Jasmine Coe

W2 WP1

A Whale of a Future for Orcas at SeaWorld
The California Coastal Commission, or CCC, has recently voted to permit SeaWorlds
expansion of their tanksbut has barred the breeding of Orcas in captivity, the artificial
insemination of Orcas, and the sale, trade, or transfer of Orcas in captivity. The topic of
SeaWorldtheir business of capturing, breeding, and using Orcas as show animals along with
their harsh living conditionshas been one of great controversy and debate for a long time,

Comment [1]: Nice use of dashes here, Jas.

discussed on a plethora of social media sites and news outlets. The future of the Orcas is
important, they are a contributing part of our eco system, and they deserve to be rid of the harsh
lifestyle theyve become subject to at SeaWorld. Three news articles have recently been posted
covering the CCCs decision and the uproar it has caused from Fox 5 news, BBC news, and
Times of San Diego. Each of these news outlets offer information on the subject in an unbiased

Comment [2]: Here, it sounds a bit like the news

articles *caused* the issue, themselves.

article; while holding the same general conventions and rhetoric, these articles also differ a little
in style and information.
The first article I read on this topic was SeaWorld Wins Bid to Expand Killer Whale Tanks,
But Breeding Is Barred, from Times of San Diego. This was written simply for the publicfrom
animal rights activists and SeaWorld supporters to your average office employee or teenager. It
was written with the purpose to inform people of an event; A state panel Thursday approved
SeaWorlds plan to nearly double the size of its killer whale enclosure but sentenced the San
Diego theme parks famed Shamu show to eventual extinction by prohibiting the breeding of the
mammals, (Stone, 2015.) The context in this article is ideally centered around what the CCC
was voting on and why SeaWorld disagreed with their conditions while also containing
context about why the organizations and citizens did or didn't support the decision, and the

Comment [3]: I need more of a specific, driving thesis

statement, Jas. What, exactly, are you going to be
arguing here about genre and rhetoric? And what
specific points are you going to use to make that case?
What about the conventions within this genre will you
be emphasizing?

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1

potential it has to destroy SeaWorlds already plummeting business along with the Orca
attraction. The writer supported all this with direct quotes from people attending the meeting;
Jared Goodman, the PETA Foundations director of animal law said, SeaWorld has admitted
that it intended to breed even more orcas to fill the new tanks, but the commissions action today
ensures that no more orcas will be condemned to a non life of loneliness, deprivation and
misery. This article has an informative style to it, using an orotund and sophisticated tone of
voice throughout the entire piece. This kind of stylistic tone in the writing is because the author
has no bias; the purpose of the article isnt to persuade the reader in the CCCs or SeaWorlds
favor, its to inform them of the decision on both parts. In the article from Times of San Diego,

Comment [4]: When I see thiseven before I start

readingI think, Ahhhhhhh! Attack of the page-long
paragraph!
See if you like this metaphor:

Pretend your whole paper is a big, juicy steak. Do you
want your reader to enjoy that steak in easy-to-chew,
digestable bites? Or do you want them to start
gnawing away at whole thing in one piece (think:
zombie).

Paragraphs are like those bites.

Give your reader your argument in little, digestable,
one-idea-at-a-time bits.

Readers need to be able to see the different
parts/pieces/bites of the argument that theyre chewing
on.
Comment [5]: OK, this is an important observation.
Now you've gotta ask: what kind of rhetorical impact
does this have on a reader? And why?

theres all the typical conventions youd assume to come across in a news article. It has a video
of the Commissioner, Dayna Bochoco, speaking at the event the article is about, and pictures of
the whales at SeaWorld with captions throughout it that connect to the topica visual
representation of the topic, these depict on a different and more visual level what the writer is
saying (Losh & Alexander, 2013). Throughout the entire story it has direct quotes from PETA
members, Commissioners, attending citizens, and the SeaWorld park president. The use of
quotes in this article are to establish credibility with the reader, if a reader has quotes from an
exact source it will increase their trust in what the writer is telling them. It also has a bold
heading for the piece to kind of give the reader a taste of what theyre reading and grab their
attention, as well as links to different social media sites where you can share the article itself.
Additionally, included in it are links to direct you to posts and articles that relate to the topic. At
the bottom of the page it also has a comment section for readers to post on and other news posts
available on the site.

Comment [6]: I like how you're incorporating the

readings and getting at visual literacy, but this
paragraph seems to be jumping around a bit too much.

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1

The second article I read was called Coastal Commission approves expansion of SeaWorld
orca tanks from Fox 5 news. This article too, was written entirely for the public; purposefully to
brief them on what decisions were being made by the CCC about the Orcas, and the potential
outcomes it could create, The ruling was a blow to SeaWorld and a stunning victory for animal-

Comment [7]: Try to find a way to link your topic

sentences to how the upcoming idea (of the paragraph)
relates to your central argument.

This one is basically saying: here comes the 2nd
article. I'm wondering -- well, what *about* the 2nd
article should I be on the lookout for?

rights activists who have blasted the park's treatment of whales, (Fox 5 Digital Team, 2015.) In
comparison to the first article, this article was shorter in length, much more concise and straight
to the point of what the writer had to say. The context of this article was more about the CCCs
vote and SeaWorlds views on their decision, and how it could affect not only SeaWorlds
business but the entire Orca show all together, Stephen Wells the executive director of the

Comment [8]: Context is huge! You brought this into

the discussion in the previous paragraph.

Whenever you can spot recurring threads, consider
how you can weave it into your central argument more
explicitly.

Animal Legal Defense Fund said after that vote that SeaWorld's business, is circling the drain
as an enlightened public is objecting to the confinement of orcas in bleak bathtubs for the sake of
entertainment. Unlike the Times of San Diego article, this article didn't contain any information
about why the attending organizations or citizens felt about the choices made. This article
while still being formalwas a little more casual and easier to keep up with the Times of San
Diego article, this article didn't contain any information about why the attending organizations or
citizens felt about the choices made. This article while still being formal has a more casual tone
and is easy to read; while discussing the CCCs decision to put a cap on the amount of Orcas
SeaWorld can have the author uses a sarcastic tone to address that The park has 11 killer
whales, (Fox 5 Digital Team, 2015.) Similar conventions of the previous article articulate a lot
in this one as well, with only slight differences. It has the name of the news station at the top of
the web page, instead of the newspapers title. Following the title of the article is also a video,
except this video isn't a clip from the event but a clip of the article topic being covered on TV on

Comment [9]: Worth devoting a paragraph to tone, then

discuss it across all the sources? Would that help your
piece unfold in a more reader-friendly way?

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1

Fox5 news. Like the San Diego article, this one followed the writing with links to related articles
covering the same topics and a comments section for readers to have discussions in. Also similar
in this article is the use of social media links at the top of the page for you to share the story. It
also contained direct quotes from the SeaWorld park president, PETA members, and the director
of Animal Legal Defense Fund. The the writer of this article, like the one of the Times of San
Diego article, uses quotes directly from sources at the event to establish a credible relationship
with the reader.
The last article I read was SeaWorld barred from breeding whales in captivity from BBC
news. As the two previous articles, this one was written initially for the general public. The
purpose behind this article of course, was also to inform the reader(s) of the event, The building
project was approved "under a condition that would prohibit captive breeding, artificial
insemination, and the sale, trade or transfer of any animal in captivity,"(BBC News, 2015.) This
article was incredibly short compared to the previous two articles, and it covered just the bare

Comment [10]: Jas, Im wondering if your paper would

benefit from re-structuring the organization. Instead of

-Source #1
-Source #2
-Source #3

Could your paper/argument unfold a more
integrated/interwoven way if you did something like:

-Idea #1 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #2 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #3 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)?

minimum information giving necessary facts and quotes to be sufficient enough to cover the
article. The context of this article was essentially the same as the Fox 5 onewhat the Coastal
Commissions was voting on, how the SeaWorld president felt about it, and how it could ruin
SeaWorlds business and their very popular Orca exhibit. The tone and style of this article was
mature and informative, it didnt have any underlying humor it was strictly facts, In a statement
SeaWorld said it was "disappointed" with Thursday's ruling. SeaWorld plans to build two
additional tanks for viewing and research, (BBC News, 2015.) Preceding the title of the article
was a picture relative to the text and a caption to explain it. After the article there was once
again, links to social media sites in order for the reader to share the article on, as well as links to

Comment [11]: Good textual evidence here.

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1

news stories with related topics. As did the other two articles, this one contained direct quotes
from the park president and PETA members, trying to build a credibility and reputation with the
reader.
As far as surface level features go, these articles have the same ones in common. At the top
of the page is the name of newspaper or news channel the story was featured on. Theres also big
bold titles to capture the reader's eye, and publication informationwho wrote it, when it was
posted. They contained pictures or videos that by first glance you could tell were linked to the
reading, and connected the reader to the story in a visual aspect. The structure and amount of
quotes present in the story also gave it away the kind of genre these pieces of writing belonged
to, news stories tend to have a lot of direct sources to institute credibility with their reader.
Similar techniques used by these writers was 2nd order thinking. 2nd order thinking is
conscious, directed, controlled thinking, and it's when we examine our premises and assess
the validity of each inference, (Elbow, 1986.) The authors of these articles clearly had to
formulate and organize their information and ideas to properly portray the event in a formal
matter. There were few dissimilarities, only present in the amount of information the writers used
and the level of sophistication in their tone. The similarities in techniques they used stems from
the fact they were writing news articles. To write for the public and represent a newspaper or
news channel, you have to write in a formal manner. 2nd order thinking is a way of writing in a
logical and accurate forman appropriate way to cover a story and present it to the public. The
dissimilarities I think are because of the different writing styles. Not everyone writes the same
exact waythe amount of information and tone of each article is more likely than not, because it
was three different writers, writing for three different newspapers/channels.

Comment [12]: Nice tie-in, Jas.

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1

The articles Ive covered are only one type of the many textual genres out there. Its
incredibly important to learn genre because it can be beneficial to your writing not only
academically, but in your everyday life. If you ever have to write somethingwhether it's a
report, business document, or an emailyoure writing for a certain type of genre. But once we
recognize a recurring situation, a situation that we or others have responded to in the past, our
response to that situation can be guided by past responses, (Dirk, 2010.) What Dirk is saying is,
if you've never written for that particular genre before, you might look to previous works in the
same genre to get a general idea of what you're supposed to be writing. This could nonetheless
improve your writing, simply because you have something to go off that is relative to what
you're writing. Studying or knowing genre can not only be beneficial to students, but your
everyday person who has to write anything. A sense of genre overall can just better your
comprehension of any type of text; this displays understanding and competence which can
potentially open doors into bigger and better things.

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1

Works Cited
Alexander, Jonathan. "Introduction: Spaces for Writing." Understanding Rhetoric: A

Graphic Guide to Writing. By Elizabeth Losh. Boston: Bedford-St. Martins, 2013. 2-23. Print.
"Coastal Commission Approves Expansion of SeaWorld Orca Tanks." FOX5 San Diego
San Diego News Weather Traffic Sports from KSWB. 08 Oct. 2015. Web. 10 Oct. 2015.
http://fox5sandiego.com/2015/10/08/coastal-commission-approves-expansion-of-seaworldsorca-tanks/
Dirk, Kerry. "Navigating Genres." Writing Spaces: Reading on Writing. Vol. 1. Anderson:
Parlor, 2010. 249-62. Print.
Elbow, Peter. "Teaching Two Kinds of Thinking by Teaching Writing." Embracing
Contraries: Explorations in Learning and Teaching. New York: Oxford UP, 1986. 55-63. Print.
"SeaWorld Barred from Breeding Whales in Captivity - BBC News." BBC News. 09 Oct.
2015. Web. 10 Oct. 2015. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-34489029
Stone, Ken. "SeaWorld Wins Bid to Expand Killer Whale Tanks, But Breeding Is Barred."
Timesofsandiego. 08 Oct. 2015. Web. 10 Oct. 2015.

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1

Writing 2 Feedback Matrix for WP1

Table of Textual Features

Thesis Statement
Use of Textual
Evidence from Genres
Use of Course
Readings
Analysis
Organization/Structur
e
Attention to
Genre/Conventions
and Rhetorical Factors
Sentence-level Clarity,
Mechanics, Flow

Other Comments

Did Not Meet

Expectations

Met Expectations
~

Exceeded
Expectations

Jas,

Solid piece here -- nice going. To get this to the next level, I
think you need to shoot for more depth. Id like you to get
super-specific and provide me with more detailed examples of
your points. You started doing that a lot more about halfway
through your paper, and I think it was effective.

Id also like you to think about your organizational/structural
decisions. I couldnt pinpoint any logic to your design -- how
you laid out your ideas, one by one; it seemed like I was reading
about these articles without a clear reason as to why I was
reading it at any given moment.

Lastly: please feel free to inject more of your own voice into
this piece. With all due respect, it came across as a bit dry in
some places and I wouldve loved to read about your stance on
this issue if you could find a way to work it in.

Z
8.5/10

Jasmine Coe
W2 WP1