Down the Drain

Our Special Valentines Day Edition!

Volume 4 Issue 1 Whole Number 37

February 2016

The true history of

Valentines Day
Last June we assigned
our crack team of
researchers to dig out the
true story of Valentines
Day. We wanted to know
how it began, why it
began and what, if
anything, was its real
meaning.
After several months of
drinking their lunches at
Oscars, playing around on
their laptops, evaluating
information and the
sources from which that
information came, they
finally came up with the
following.
The eds.
The origin of Valentines
Day is shrouded in legend,
myth and speculation, as
is, indeed the saint for
whom the day is
remembered.
History reveals at least
three St. Valentines, with
hints at one other, but only
two of likely importance.
The earliest mention of a
man called Valentine is of
a St. Valentinus of Rome
who flourished in Rome in
the third century and was
put to death on February
14, 269 by the Emperor

Plumbing
news from
around the
world
Attempt will be made
to take water from
Arctic to Michigan

INSIDE
THIS ISSUE
WHAT

DOES THE
DISCOVERY OF
PLANET 9 MEAN FOR
YOU? WE ASK THE
EXPERTS!

Claudius Gothicus for

attempting to convert
Romans from their pagan
beliefs and for marrying
some of those same
people who did convert.
The second St. Valentine
was said to be a
wandering matchmaker in
England in the time of
King William II at the end
of the 11th century. As the
kings court was itinerant
in those distant times, it is
perhaps not surprising that
the wandering Valentine
happened to run into the
kings court while it was
moving around the fairly
new Anglo-Norman
kingdom.
Upon seeing the
Williams court, Valentine
was immediately offended
and outraged by the dress,
hair and manners of the
kings courtiers, who
sported long hair, curlytoed shoes and seemed to
have no ability to conform
their manners to the
manners of gentlemen.
Afraid their girl y
costumes and boorish
behavior would spread to
the common people and
thus confuse his attempts

to make sensible and

suitable
matches,
Valentine began ranting
and raving against the
king and his merry men.
Unfortunately for
Valentine, William the II
was not a particularly nice
man, and he promptly
tossed the matchmaker
into the nearest dungeon
and condemned him to
watch I Love Lucy reruns
for the rest of his natural
life and where he spent his
remaining years living on
bread and water and,
during the commercial
breaks, scratching things
on the dungeon walls such
as Lucy loves Ricky, and
Ethel loves Fred, which

scratchings became the

basis
for
todays
Valentines Day greeting
cards.
It is thought Valentine
died sometime in 1091 or
1092, though the date of
his death remains entirely
speculative and is based
on a few obscure
references in the works of
Orderic Vitalis and the
anonymous chronicler of
Burberry Abbey.
P erhaps t he m os t
compelling of all origin
stories, however, is that
two Boston printers
named Hall and Mark who
came up with the idea for

water from the Arctic to

California.
Because of Flints
location however, the
AP&WPC said it was
unsure how many miles of
garden hose would be
involved, whether or not
the hose would be above
ground or underground
and that the plan would

require the approval of the

Canadian government in
addition to our own EPA.
Permit applications will
be expedited, the company
said.
When asked why water
from the Great Lakes was
not considered as a source
for Flint water, as those
lakes are closer to Flint

than the Arctic, AP&WPC

said there would be no
question about the purity
of the water from the
Arctic, whereas water
from the Great Lakes
could prove to be
problematic both now and
in the future.
Permits, the company
said, will be expedited.

Flint, MI The Arctic

Panhandle and Western
Pipeline Company has
announced a plan to link
thousands of miles of
garden hose from the
Arctic to Flint, Michigan,
in order to provide clean
water to that beleaguered
city.
At a press conference
held in Flint two weeks
ago, executives of the
AP&WP said their plan
would be very similar to
the plan they announced
in January to bring fresh

THE WIT

AND
WISDOM OF JOE
FRIDAY OUR
FAVORITE QUIPS AND
QUOTES!

BUYING

TIME ON THE
INSTALLMENT PLAN
THE HAZARDS AND
PITFALLS!

WHAT

SHE REALLY
MEANS WHEN SHE
SAYS A
BEGINNERS GUIDE!

PLUS
WIENERS
BEANS

ON TOAST!

TOAST

ON FIRE!

ALL THIS AND MORE!

RIGHT HERE! RIGHT
NOW! IN THIS
MONTHS EDITION OF
DOWN THE DRAIN!

But seriously, folks,

(Continued on page 2)

(702) 876-5969

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Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
NV License #58722
Ted Cruz, call your office. Your staff wants to know what your position is on Valentines Day.

Call us today!
876-5969

Down the Drain, February 2016

Page 2

Adventures, letters,
A life in the
day of a
plumber
By CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber

Last month: Chip finally

learns why he had been
summoned late at night.
And she was right.
The next morning when I
arrived at work there was
a black limousine parked
in front of the office with
two very large SUVs
guarding it.
The limousine wasn't
quite as long as a cruise
ship, but I imagined the
driver probably had to
swing really wide when
making a left turn.
The limousine and both
SUVs were so highly
polished that the sun
reflected off of them to
the point they were
probably causing anxious
moments for the pilots in
the airliners overhead who
were taking off from
McCarran airport.
Two men wearing black
suits and sunglasses stood
at the entrance to the
office.
I knew I should have
parked around back at the
warehouse entrance, but
after thinking about it I
figured they probably had
that covered, too.
As soon as I got out of
my van and approached
the door, the two men
began mumbling into their
sleeves.
I didnt like it. I didnt
like it all, but it was too
late to get back into my
van, go home and call of
sick for the day. Melanie
and Kimberly and Lori
were all standing at the
door, peering through the
glass and waving at me.
What have I gotten
myself into, I wondered?
Or, more precisely, what
had the Countess
Lumarchesi gotten me
into?
When I got to the office
door, the black suit on the
left held out his hand and
said, ID. It wasnt a
question.
I reached into my back
pocket and pulled out my
wallet, but before I could
even get it open, the black
suit took it away from me.
Very deft at it he was,
too..
He opened it, began
going through it and
pulled out anything and
everything that seemed to
catch his eye. Then he
commenced mumbling
non-stop into his sleeve.
I waited and then waited
some more. A dialogue
ensued between the black
suit and whoever was on
the other end of the line. I
coul dnt unders t and
anything that was said, of
course. They must take a
special class in mumbling,
I thought.
Finally he returned my
wallet,
mumbled
something to the other
black suit, stood back and
opened the door.
Go in, he said.
To be continued...

advice and more!

Your opinion counts!

Letters to the Editor

To the Editor:
Greetings all.
It is I, Schofield Skoof
Whiffletree, running for
the soon to be vacated
office of senator whatshis-name. I want all of my
family, friends, followers
and supporters, as well as
the superb staff of Down
the Drain, to know that I
personally,
Schofield
Skoof Whiffletree, wish
all of you a happy
Valentines Day!
Remember!
Make
Nevada Great Again! Vote
Whiffletree!
Hugs,
kisses
and
handshakes from yours
truly,
Schofield Skoof
Whiffletree,
Bunkerville, Nevada
To the Editor:
I am not one to engage in
personal attacks or to go
negative, as they say, but
I cannot let pass certain
remarks made by one
Schofield
Skoof
Whiffletree an alleged
candidate for the soon to
be vacant seat of Senator
whats-his-name at a

recent rally he held in

Tumbleweed Flats where
his
only
supporters
seemed to be a couple of
unhealthy-looking cows
and bored housewives.
(Or maybe it was the other
way around. I dont really
remember.)
I do know, however, that
I am not, as he said,
Unfit to hold the office of
cattle guard inspector,
much less the office of
senator from the Great
State of Nevada.
I think it should be noted
that cattle guard inspectors
play an important role in
the ranching community
of Nevada.
Not only do the cattle
guards keep our livestock
from wandering off, as
some ranchers let their
cattle do, particularly in
the Bunkerville area, they
also provide our young
boys and girls a chance to
practice their balancing
skills as they walk across
them every day on their as
they go to and from
school.
I also do not, as he
alleged, mix my bourbon

with branch water, a

practice I not only find
abhorrent but an insult to
good bourbon everywhere.
Nor do I smoke only
cheap cigars and put my
underwear on inside out!
Whiffletree would seem
to have a problem with the
truth, and I would strongly
encourage
anyone
considering voting for him
to read his tax reform plan
carefully, as his plan
seems only to benefit
those who allow their
cattle to graze on public
lands without paying the
necessary fees to the
public treasury of the
United States of America,
as apparently does Mr.
Whiffletree.
Those fees benefit all
Americans,
and
any
rancher who fails to pay
those fees is clearly an
unpatriotic,
rotten,
socialist, under-achieving
tax-evader! And probably
a horse thief, too!
Odum B. Gage,
candidate for the soon to
be vacant office of Senator
whats-his-name,
Stovebolt, Nevada

Answering your most challenging questions!

Ask the Perfessor!

Dear Perfessor,
Why do we have leap
years? And what exactly s
a leap year?
Always Late
In Henderson
Dear Always Late,
Those are excellent
questions, and as always
the answer is quite simple.
Millennia ago, after
women
invented
agriculture, mani-pedis,
the art of weaving and
other important things we
all take for granted today,
it became necessary for
them to know more than
just what season it was.
The women had to know
the best time to plant their
crops, what time their
appointment at the salon
was and how much time
they had to devote to the
domestic arts. All of this
in addition, I might add,
taking care of the children

and tending to their

husbands.
The men, on the other
hand, didnt really care
what time it was. They
would just get up in the
morning,
scratch
themselves, belch, eat a
hearty breakfast made by
their wives and then go off
with their buddies to drink
beer and hunt a few large
animals to knock on the
head and drag back to
their caves for their wives
to gut, butcher and, of
course, to tan the hides.
As a result, the women
got together one day and
invented time so they
would have a much better
idea of when was the best
time to plant their crops,
As the years rolled by,
however, they noticed that
the time they had so
carefully invented was
slowly falling behind the
time when they planted

their crops. This slippage

of time also made them
late for their mani-pedis,
which they didnt like at
all.
It took a while, but
eventually the women put
their heads together again,
made a few calculations
with a stick on a clay
tablet they hadnt yet
had the time to invent Big
Chief tablets and #2
pencils and figured out
that time didnt precisely
correspond with the
Earths orbit around the
sun, but that if they added
a day every fours years,
their calendar would stay
in agreement with the sun
and all would be well.
That added day every
four years changed the
normal year into a socalled leap year because
time would jump ahead or
leap in that year.
Quite simple, really.

The true history of Valentines Day

idea of the folding
greeting card as we know
it today was born, and 14
February, again according
to Halls diary, was
chosen as the official day
for their annual cards in
honor of the martyred
saint of romance who
gave his life to marry
couples in love.
Some
historians,
however, claim Halls
diary is a forgery created
by Mark after Halls
untimely death from a
broken heart when his
fiance ran off with an
itinerant matchmaker from
England. Mark, it is said,

A special happy
birthday wish
goes out this
month from all
the crew at
Pentagon Plumbing
to
Kimberly Stokely,
whose presence in
our office makes
everyone smile!
You rock, girl!
Now go celebrate!
Yaaaaaay!

Investigation into
Down the Drain
offices vandalism
continues
By Marlow Archer
Crime Beat Reporter
According to an
individual associated with
the Special Task Force
investigating the break-in
and vandalism of Down
the Drains offices last
September, a credible tip
has been received naming
the perpetrator of that
terrible crime.
Our informant would not
name the individual
suspected, but would only
say it was former
employee who was in
search of her last
paycheck and who
became frustrated after
being unable to locate it.
Down the Drains policy
has always been to release
the paycheck of a former
employee as soon as
possible, and as Bella
Donna Lovelace was the
only employee to have left
our employ prior to the
break-in, we are confident
the task force is on the
right track at last.
As of this writing, all
local, state and national
law enforcement agencies
are searching for our
former gossip columnist.

The Guru

Continued from page 1

Valentines day in the

1890s while watching
courting couples stroll
around the town square on
fine spring days.
According to Halls diary,
he and Mark soon realized
there
was
great
commercial potential in
printing calling cards with
a romantic sentiment
printed on the reverse side
of the card.
The cards were an
immediate success, but
customers soon began
asking for a card in which
they could inscribe their
own personal and private
romantic messages, and the

The Birthday
Box

Says
concocted the diary to
bolster a copyright claim
he had filed on the words
Valentines Day, which
claim the copyright office
denied, much to the
chagrin of Mark as he
watched as hundreds, then
thousands of printers
began printing their own
Valentines Day cards.
Eventually the small
printing company of Hall
and Mark went bankrupt,
unable to compete with
larger printing companies,
but their contribution to
romance survives to this
day.

All that is real is

ephemeral, and all that is
ephemeral is real.
A coin has two sides.
Both sides are real
because the coin has only
one side.
One side is ephemeral
because the coin has only
two sides.
Truly the coin is united
in its duality and divided
in its unity.
Thus the coin is both real
and ephemeral.
The wise person knows
this and seeks not to
understand but to act
accordingly.

Down the Drain, February 2016

Page 3

The Really Important Stuff!

Down the Drain

Is published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted
Deputy Editor-in-chief Reginald Phipps mum
Copy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra
Assignment Editor Gowanna Getouttahere
Society Page Editor Alice Hashtag
Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps
Fact Checker Al Gore
Assistant Fact Checker Brian Williams
Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by The Group for the Advanced Study of Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies and Impossibilities
Business Reporter Yale Princeton
Construction and Building Correspondent Roger Red Tag
Crime Beat Reporter Marlow Archer
Environmental Correspondent Washoe Evergreen
Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia Impasto
Food Critic Candy Pye
Gossip Columnist Bella Donna Lovelace (current whereabouts still unknown)
History Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus
International Affairs Correspondent Mac The Knife Machiavelli
Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply
Assistant Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply, Jr.
Legal Correspondent Blackwell Coke
Media Correspondent Tweety Byrd
Medical Correspondent Sue Tchurme
National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley Huntly
National Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart
Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse Noel
Science Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.
Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna
Demolitions Consultant Candy Pye
Dog Whisperer Toto Baskerville
Office Manager Loosey Arnez
Receptionist Tiffany Whatevs
Fashion Advisor The Gaga
Relationship Advisor Taylor Swift
Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho Marx
In-House Therapist Lady Heather
Psychic Consultant Madam Blovotsky
Computer Services and Expertise by provided by The Gigglebits Computer Gals
Photo Editing provided by The Cutting Edge Scissors Company and Elwoods All-Purpose Glue
Rehabilitation Services provided by The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of Wickenburg, Arizona
Leftovers, munchies and midnight snacks provided by Moms 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium
Jewelry by Jodie
Makeup by Gor-Don
Hair by Mr. Clean
Mani-pedis by The Cats Meow Veterinary Clinic
Bunny Slippers provided by Bunny Slippers for All (At Fashionable Malls Everywhere!)
Artwork provided by My Sisters Refrigerator: A Unique Boutique for the Elite
Musical Soundtrack by
Cyndi Lauper
Emilie Autumn
The Pretty Reckless
Hole
Strawberry Switchblade
Alison Sudol
and
Olivia dAbo

This space deliberately left blank for future use

Down the Drain

is owned, operated, managed, imagined, inspired, created, written, produced, published and copyrighted 2016 by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
However, permission is granted by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. to redistribute this newsletter at will with proper attribution.
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5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969
Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
My

My
My God,
God, its
its full
full of
of pink!
pink!