Today

High: 39F Low: 35F

Looks like everythings melting.

Tomorrow

High: 38F Low: 27F

All this shits gonna freeze.

Days left of Probation: 639

The

-ISH

Friday, February 19, 2016

Vol. 67, No.13

Daily Bull

The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under the age of 18 and should not be taken seriously...like Ted Cruz!

Aliens Pleased by Progress of

World Takeover Plan
Anna Hohnstadt
Staff Writer

Transcribed from the dictations of Leslie

Ann Smith, junior correspondent, by her
long-suffering and grossly underpaid
secretary.
Classified Location, NevadaIts Valentines Day weekend, and Ive been given
the privilege of having an exclusive interview with Cinder Fall, leader of a highly
secretive band of invading Martians. Being perpetually single, obviously I didnt
really mind giving up my Valentines Day
weekend for my editor. Im not bitter. No,
really, Im not. Hed just better not make
me do it again, or Im going to take my liberal arts degree-having ass off to a different publication and he can find himself a
new junior correspondent.
Many questions raced through my head

theater

the studio pizza

downtown hancock

4825100
MR B. BOOGIE-WOOGIE

THU

Feb 18

FRI

Blues, Jazz and Boogie Woogie

pianist and singer Mr. BMark
Braunis widely regarded as one of
the finest living traditional blues pianists. Hes even played on Grammy
Nominated Blues Recording!

SCOTT ROBINSON, MIKE IRISH &

Feb 19 MIKE CHRISTIANSON!

Northern Standard Time + two times

Grammy winning Jazz musician, Scott
Robinson of NYC. Scott is a multi instrumentalist: tenor+bass saxophone,
theremin, tarogato, trumpet, & clarinet!

THU

Feb 25

ANDREAS KAPSALIS OF THE

AKGI GUITAR DUO

Saloon

Dont miss Andreas solo in this

showJazz & Classical fingerstyle
guitar! You wont believe your ears!

Above: Martians?

as I neared the top-secret compound

where Ms. Fall does her work. What
would the Martians look like? How would
I be received? Would they let me take my

blindfold off? Fortunately, the ride in the

white 15-passenger van was mercifully
swift, and I soon found myself in a comSee Raelian on back

r/NotTheBull
Rory Straubel
Scape Goat
For those of you who havent heard of r/
NotTheOnion, its a subreddit where articles are posted that on the surface seem to
be satire, but are actually real news headlines. Below are some headlines that we
didnt write, since Upper Michigan Source
had to actually report them.

much else to do, but rarely do they result

in archery shoot outs. The man has been
charged with attempted murder, which
is severe given he was probably trying to
make a Skyrim reference.

One of these headlines is fake. Can you

guess which one?

Police: Woman Hid 32 Grams of

Meth in Vagina
32 grams of Meth certainly has some volume. She probably trained for months to
get to that level; and that kind of dedication is respectable. That said, there is a
reason why most people use their ass.

Hancock fight; Man shot with arrow

Local residents often have drunken brawls
in the Winter months, since there isnt

NMU Student Becomes Victim of

Identity Theft After Swiping Right
Men will do anything for sex. The stuSee Fake on back

Top Secret Stuff

One student found the $235.66 secret

to get a more transparent university!
!
m
i
h
e
at
h
s
l
a
ci
I
f
f
o
MTU
Scan here to find out
how to get it for free!

PETA Cancels Greased Pigs on Ice

Protest After Discovering No Pigs
Involved
Unlikely PETA, having no pigs involved
actually makes me more interested in the
event. Sadly it was just a man dressed in
a pig costume, being chased by kids on ice
skates, -AP. Even still, it sounds like a
perverts ploy to get children to chase him
around.

Answer: The third one is fake, though

it seems plausible and like a good article
idea. Maybe I should have written that instead of this shit.

From Raelian on front

fortable sitting room roughly five stories

underground, un-blindfolded and seated
comfortably close to a large pitcher of
wine and a glass.
You are the journalist, I presume? A
tall, dark-haired humanoid female smiled
pleasantly at me from the shadows. Ms.
Fall was exquisitely dressed in an A-Line/
Princess Off-the-Shoulder Floor-Length
Tulle Evening Dress with Applique
Lace (available from JJs House for U.S.
$172.99) and a delicate ebony crown.
That would be me, maam, I replied
nervously. The comely Martian leader was
obviously attempting to put me at ease,
but something about the ominously dark
lighting and Hitchcockian background
music was setting me on edge. Would
you mind telling me a bit about your plans
for world domination?
Of course not, my dear. At this point,

From Fake on front

dents credit card information was stolen

after he chatted up a girl on Tinder and
she offered her services. His card has since
been canceled, but I doubt he will show up
in classes for a while.

theres no way any of you pathetic humans

could stop me, Ms. Fall replied graciously. Id love to fill you in. I settled down in
my chair and tossed back a glass of wine,
eager to hear more.
As youve probably already guessed,
we Martians have been infiltrating your
human groups for years. Donald Trump,
Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, Kim Jong-Un,
David Cameron, most of the members of
Westboro Baptist Churchtheyre Martians. Obviously we have many more operatives here on Earth, but given that youre
an American, you probably havent heard
of most of them, Ms. Fall said. I nodded
fervently in agreement and downed another glass of wine.
What were doing here is turning all
of you people against each other. Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives, theists and atheiststhanks to
our efforts, youre all well on your way to

hating each other so much that soon you

wont be able to cooperate with each other
in the slightest. Then, well be able to take
over without so much as lifting a finger.
Divide and conquer, as you say here on
Earth, Ms. Fall purred.
Is there anything youd like to say to
the people of the world, Ms. Fall? I asked,
already feeling woozy and forgetting most
of my meticulously planned-out questions, thanks to the wine.
Please tell them to keep watching Fox
News and believing all the news stories
they read on reddit and tumblr. That
would make me very happy, Ms. Fall
said with a smile.
Will do, I muttered. Sabathroom?
After half an hour of vomiting, I was escorted out of the fortress and back to my
hotel. So there you go, people. Your future
Martian leader wants you to watch Fox
News. Make her happy.

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from the comfort of your own room on those days when you just cant be bothered to go to class.
Editor-in-chief Rory Straubel
Composition Editor Vincent Padget
Treasurer Alex Piotrowski
Business Manager Julia Scruton
Secretary Sophia Farquhar
Advisor Carl Blair
Symptom Rico Bastian
Staff Writers: Shan Amarnani, Neil
Hawke, Anna Hohnstadt, Peter Jurica,
Nick Minarich, Jacob Noorman

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