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O riginally publishe d March 02, 2011

Clarence Thomas Stars in Sexually Charged Memoir

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by Zenitha Prince
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D.C. Unmasked & Undressed, the memoir of Lillian McEwen, a former judge and exgirlfriend of Supreme C ourt Justice C larence Thomas, hits the shelves March 5. But, as the
author told the AFRO, this book is definitely not for the G-rated crowd. While the tale
chronicles the often painful journey of the writer from the despair of a dysfunctional,
abusive home to the travails and triumphs of a C apitol Hill and judicial career, it is a trail
marked with sex lots of it. And Thomas figures prominently literally and figuratively in
this tale. McEwen gushes over Thomas prowess and fantasy [package], describing his
body as coffee-bean ... velvet-covered cement.

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He was a national treasure, she said, one she shared with other women in mnages trois
and in a voyeuristic pleasure palace. And she described her then-lover as being easily
aroused, with a strong interest in pornography.
In a one-on-one interview with the AFRO, McEwen shared her thoughts about Thomas, about
love and lust, mental illness, suicide and about evil and the will to survive it.
AFRO: So Im guessing that this book is going to make retirement more exciting.
LM: Most definitely [Laughs]

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AFRO: At the end of your book you seem to suggest why you wrote it, but what
were your reasons? And why now?
LM: Its a book that I had always planned to write and had always been pressured to write.
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I never understood why it was that my friends and family kept saying, Youve got to write a
book, Lillian. And really it wasnt until I finished the book that I realized that my life was
kinda unusual. I wasnt really thinking of it that way while I was living it. The impetus for my
retirement was really the same as the impetus for writing the book as a catalyst. And that
is, one of my best friends in life had died and it made working at the position I had very
difficult. And then my mother was dying at the same time. My brother died within a few weeks of my mothers death and it just
seemed like it was time to assess my life and figure out for myself what was important. It was also time to relieve a lot of stress
that I had been feeling for many years from the pressure of reporters, the pressure of a public description of what our
relationship had been between me and C larence. And I just thought it was time for me to tell my own story in my own words.
The book is an assessment of my own life.
AFRO: Throughout your book you talk about some of the mechanisms you used to cope. Had you ever before this
book, looked at your life, assessed it and dealt with some of the underlying issues?
LM: The only reason that I was able to survive and flourish and become as successful as I was, was because I, throughout my
entire life, had been engaged in a constant search of how to live my life, how to view myself in relation to other people and how
to become the kind of a person that I had some kind of respect for. So it was really a long-term process of finding these means
by which to figure out how to live my life.
AFRO: If Clarence Thomas had not been a Supreme Court Justice would he have figured so prominently in this
book?
LM: Yes. The reason is because he was without a doubt the most important relationship that I had other than the relationship with
my daughters father. I was married to the same man for about 13 years, and the relationship with C larence lasted about six
years, so he was an important part of my life.
AFRO: Was it love or just lust?
LM: Its a little difficult for me to tell the difference between the two in the way that I lived my life. Mostly what happened was
that if I was in an intense sexual relationship with someone for a significant length of time and by that I mean more than three
months or so I began to love that person; I began to be emotionally attached to that person. And it wasnt anything that I could
really help. In C larences situation, I had known him and become really good friends with him for many months before we had a
romantic relationship.
AFRO: Have you had a call or do you expect a call from Justice Thomas or his wife, Virginia about this book?
LM: Well, seeing as how she called Anita Hill ... [LAUGHS] after so many years for something that she probably shouldnt have
expected, theres no telling whats going to happen with Ginni Thomas in reference to a call to me about this book. But certainly I
expect no such communication or call from C larence. Hes not going to be happy.
AFRO: Had you been in contact with him throughout the years since your relationship ended?

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LM: The last time I saw him was last year. I had gone to a talk that he had given about his memoir called, My Grandfathers Son.
And it was an assessment of his life. I went to the talk to see whether he was talking about his life differently from the way he
had written about his life. The memoir he had written, to me, was not exactly honest. So I was curious, and I went to the speech.
He talked for a few minutes, took one or two questions and then left the podium. It was at Howard University Law School which
is another reason why I went; thats my alma mater and I usually attend things that happen there of any significance. I had
bought the book so I went up to him after his speech and shoved the book in his face, told him to autograph it. He was so happy
to see me. So he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me he was happy to see me and asked about my daughter. So, up until
this point in time we have had a friendly relationship.
AFRO: You did something that was perhaps, improbable to some people which was to make Clarence Thomas into a
sexual creature and you were pretty descriptive. So, why take the chance in terms of giving all those details and
airing your time and life together?
LM: Well, what chance do you think it is? The chance that I would be ridiculed or hated or that I would be despised or judged to
be a slut? [LAUGHS.] Is that the chance that were talking about here? [LAUGHS.]
AFRO: Its quite possible
LM: You have to remember that I am not the only person who was active with C larence during this period of time. So anybody in
a field of maybe dozens could have easily said the same things about me or worse that are in the book that Ive said about
myself. And then I would be in the position of having to defend what was said about me. I have not named any names in the
book, but that doesnt mean somebody else wouldnt. Somebody else could have written a memoir exactly like mine and put my
name in it. And then I would be having this interview with you in very different circumstances. So, what happened was when
Anita Hill testified against C larences confirmation in the Senate, that door got opened as far as his sexual life and personal
relationships with women. Even though he and the Republicans tried to shut it, there were women who were lined up to testify
about what it was he had said to them or what kind of working relationship they had had with him and that sort of thing. So the
door was already opened pretty wide before it became time for me to write the story of my life.
AFRO: You seem to suggest throughout your book and in your statements a little while ago that the Clarence
Thomas we (the public) sees is a faade. So who is the real Clarence Thomas as you knew him?
LM: C larence, like most of us, is wearing a mask that is firmly affixed because of his age. The real C larence, at this point, I dont
really know what he is, because there is a point in time where the person themselves you dont even know whats important to
you, you dont know what your values are, you dont know what your heart really tells you, you dont know what your real
personality structure is after youve been hiding yourself and transforming yourself over so many years. But the C larence that I
knew and appreciated and that I hoped would remain the true C larence certainly is not sitting on the bench. Hes a person with a
wonderful sense of humor who listens to people, is compassionate, cares about his family and is loyal. The person whos on the
bench is the person, however, who started a transformation when I knew him.
AFRO: Lets talk about you and your mom. You seemed to have a love-hate relationship with her. Did you ever
understand why she treated you and your siblings the way that she did?
LM: I have always been fascinated by the concept of evil as removed from mental illness, and as removed from lack of selfawareness. And I have to say that after many years of talking to her, questioning her, interviewing her and trying to understand
her was, a large part of what was going with her was plain evil.
AFRO: Thats a hard thing for a child, even an adult, to accept...
LM: I had to face that reality when I was very young. One of the scenes in the book is something that haunted me for many
years and also motivated me for many years and that was when I sat down and realized my mother did not love me. Thats a
horrible, terrible, awful thing for a tiny child to have to live with and accept and work around, and thats the burden I had. But I
also succeeded in adjusting to that fact. And it was not like I had to work real hard at it my mother never pretended otherwise.
[LAUGHING] It wasnt as if she was pretending something; she made it real clear.
AFRO: Youre laughing about it but not many people would be able to
LM: I have to laugh about it because its just so bizarre. And I think we have a temptation to always disregard the presence of
evil in the people around us, and we really want to believe people can change and that there is a rational reason why people do
things. And, you know what, sometimes there just isnt , and you just have to accept that reality and figure out from that point
on, OK, now what do I do? [C HUC KLES.] Thats exactly what I did.
AFRO: Did you ever fear youd come to be like her in any way?
LM: Thats an interesting question because my sister accuses me of being like my mother and it infuriates me when she does
that. Because, my mother, like a lot of sociopaths, always knew what she was supposed to act like; she always knew what she
was supposed to say; and she always knew what a normal, loving person would resemble. So there were some points in time in
the relationship between her and us when she would to that. That was the mask that she had.she would put on the mask of a
caring mother [C HUC KLES] when the occasion called for it. So that mask that my mother had confused some people in the
neighborhood ... the neighborhood was crazy about her. She lived in one of the most terrible neighborhoods in Washington, D.C .,
plagued by juvenile gangs and rapes and murders and drug dealings, thefts, burglaries, you name it, [but] my mother was never
the victim of a crime in her entire life.
AFRO: Thats amazing. I found it interesting, though, that given how badly you said she used to beat your brother
and sister that none of the neighbors ever [overheard and] stepped in ... called the police ... came to the door ...
and yet you said that they loved her...
LM: They loved her; they didnt love us.
AFRO: [SHAKES HEAD] I cant comprehend that ... Anyway, throughout your book you talked about this issue of
mental illness in your family and even your extended community around you in the form of Adam (a little boy she
fostered). Were you ever afraid that you would somehow inherit this illness?
LM: The answer is no, and the reason I say no firmly is because I saw my brother and sister driven insane. And I knew how
they were before that transformation occurred. I also understand why they were driven crazy and that was what I fought against
while I was a child. I fought against acting the way [they] acted in their relationship with my neighborhood, with the community,
with the school, with my mother and with my father and with the people around us. What I did was I resolved to learn, really,
from the mistakes that my brother and sister made. They were not really mistakes, in that, in a normal, rational, loving
community-family situation that they would suffer. They were mistakes, in that, they acted normally in an abnormal situation. For
example, they tried to please my mother ... and [they] tried to assert their independence and their maturity and their knowledge
in the face of my mother and my father. Those were the things they got punished for. So, what I was I resolved not to do those
things ... I would not call attention to myself and, as I called it in the book, I melted into the walls, and I became a watcher.
Thats how I preserved myself, but that was never a situation where I thought that I would become mentally ill. It was a situation
where I thought that if I did not protect myself then I would be destroyed. I thought of it in terms of destruction on several
levels: First of all, physical destruction because my mother could have easily, one of those days, killed my sister or brother

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very easily. I thought of it in terms of psychic destruction ... that she would destroy the kind of person that I wanted to be and
that I knew I could be. And I wasnt going to allow that to happen. I was always aware of this danger of slipping into or being
really compelled into a state of insanity that I am hypersensitive to it in others I see it, I try to fix it ... [LAUGHS] and on some
level I run away from it.
AFRO: And yet you said in fact your book begins with it that at some point you sought to destroy yourself in
the form of suicide. What led you that place?
LM: To me suicide is a rational choice. If you look at the life that youre living, and youre looking down the road and you dont
see anything different from whats happening to you right now, and you dont see a chance, you dont see a choice, you dont see
changes that could occur in the future ... why would you not kill yourself? If youre in agony, if youre tortured every day, if your
mental state is one of utter despair, why not? To me, the temptation of suicide is something that has to be resisted actively in
those who think of it. By the time I was in my teens I had attempted suicide twice because of the situation I was in. I had to
actually use books, the characters that I had found in writing in order to get myself out of that particular view of my world. I had
to imagine for myself a future that would be very different from the present I was living in. And that is what saved me.
AFRO: Going back to this issue of mental illness and just even emotional distress, did you see your situation, your
familys situation, mirrored in the community around you?
LM: I saw it not then in the community around me because at that point I was really protecting myself from my own neighbors,
from my own streets in Washington, D.C . So I saw myself as being in danger from the people around me, up until the time when
I graduated from college and law school. And it wasnt even when I was a prosecutor. It was really not until I became a defense
attorney that I realized that my story was not unusual, because the vast majority of the people that I represented who were
accused of criminal offenses came from households that were very similar to mine. They were different on some level because
usually the trauma and the abuse, the hatred, the evil that surrounded them resulted from alcoholism or drug abuse or from
domestic abuse that went three generations back or from some horrific criminal offense that had been perpetrated throughout
the family and hidden So there was always, for these people whom I identified with, there was always something you could put
your finger on and say, OK, there it is; thats why this person is crazy. [LAUGHS.] So there all these stories that were similar to
mine but then not exactly like mine, because my experience had nothing to do with that thing you could put your finger on,
unless you can put your finger on evil. [LAUGHS] But to answer your question, I would say the childhood I had was not that
different from the childhood that is suffered by a huge number of children in the Black community.
AFRO: You were very open about your life. Is this something that you discussed with your daughter, with your
family and friends and associates before you wrote the book and what kind of responses have you heard back
from those people?
LM: None of my friends really have read the book. And thereve only been like two members of my family that have read the
book so far and Im not so sure they read it in its entirety. Only my daughter I gave her the manuscript and told her that shes
the only person that could tell me to change something in the book, and that I would be totally willing to change anything she
wanted me to in the book if it bothered her or she thought it was too personal. She said, no, she wasnt going to change anything.
But what she did say was that there was too much sex in it. [LAUGHS]
AFRO: [LAUGHS] Of course she would, shes your daughter.
LM: I was like, What do you mean? because it didnt occur to me that there was anything in there that was unusual. And she
just shook her head and gave up on me at that point.
AFRO: How old is she now?
LM: Shes in her 30s.
AFRO: But you know, even in your 30s, mom is still mom ...[LAUGHS]
LM: Yeah, you dont want to know [sex details]; its TMI. So my friends dont know all of me. So, theres a little tiny part that
my friends know about my life, my lifestyle, my experiences and that sort of thing. And my family knows even less
AFRO: Well, now theyre going to know all
LM: [LAUGHS] So, Im trying to tell people read the book before it hits the shelves and theyre not doing it.
AFRO: Are you prepared for the onslaught?
LM: I dont think its going to be possible for me to be prepared
AFRO: In the book you painted your dad as someone who was abusive, but mostly complacent ... passive .... How
did that affect your relationship with men?
LM: [PAUSES] I dont know. I mean, I wasnt looking for my father in men. I liked to be ordered around; I liked to be told what
to do by a man in romantic matters. I dont like to be the one who initiates anything ever.
AFRO: And yet you seem to be very confident.
LM: Yeah, but that has nothing to do with sexual, romantic matters. That kind of a landscape is completely and utterly different
for me. I prefer to order other people around [C HUC KLES] in other parts of my life.
AFRO: [CHUCKLES] Not everybody would admit to that.
LM: Im not a team player; if I cant be president I dont want to be anything ....I dont like to ask permission of anyone ... So I
end up being most attached and most turned on my men who are not like my father at all. I have no idea what he was like in the
bedroom, but in personality structure, not a whole lot like him.
AFRO: Looking back on your life ... any regrets?
LM: No. And the reason that I dont have regrets is that I started out at a very young age that I was going to learn from the
mistakes that others had made. I looked, I watched, I controlled myself, I melted into the walls, and I made a study of how it
was people went about in the world. And I didnt have to do the trial and error that most people have to do; I didnt have to make
big mistakes and then recover from them; I didnt have to go through that trauma of acting on a whim and then being terribly
sorry that my whim carried me to this place .... So, I havent made any mistakes in my life so I dont have any regrets.
AFRO: What impact do you expect this book to have?
LM: What Id like this book to create is a new way of looking at ones childhood ... a realization that its never too late to have a
happy childhood ... an appreciation for the happy childhood that you had if you had one. Thank your mother and father for your
happy for what they did for you, because you could have had a mother or father in your household who wouldnt have parented
you. Theres a difference between having a mother and father and having parenting. So thats No. 1. No. 2, for people who are
depressed, I would really if I could just save the life of one person and make one person understand and know that they can
create a different life for themselves, and that life can be created from people that theyve not met yet. Strangers can become
friends, and friends can become your new family.

AFRO: So, dont give up on the possibilities

LM: Dont give up; its never too late. And then the final thing is that you can have fun in your life. You can have the best that
people have to offer to you without being drugged, without being drunk and without being distracted by foolish, stupid things that
mean absolutely nothing.

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