INT.

OFFICE

In an average, dull apartment. JOE walks around the room,

hands clutched over his head. Muttering to himself.

JOE (V.O.)
Another day.

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Another word.

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Another sentence.

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

You get the drift.

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

That’s my profession. The
screenwriter. I write the shit you
see. On screen.

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Action. Joe sits at his computer...
and doesn't have any fucking idea
what to do...

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

He stares at a coffee cup in
horrible defeat.

But he smiles as he sees a plate at the edge of his desk

JOE (CONT’D)
Fortunately for me. I have
inspiration.

JOE grabs a plate full of cocaine on his desk.

JOE (CONT’D)
Come to papa.

JOE snorts the plate and is taken into a world of many colors
and other pretty things, like ponies and cookies.

EXT. PARKING LOT

JOE is sitting Indian style in a parking lot in front of a

tea set. Across from him is AMANDA, his drug induced friend.
To his left is a teddy bear named Mrs. Nesbit.

Joe clears his nose.

 2.

JOE
Amanda.

AMANDA flashes a big smile at JOE.

AMANDA
What’s goin on Joe?

JOE points at the tea kettle.

JOE
What’s this?

AMANDA
Tea party.

AMANDA (CONT’D)
Uh... tea?

JOE looks around the parking lot in sheer confusion.

JOE
What is this place?

AMANDA
Don’t ask me. It’s YOUR cocaine
induced hallucination. I just live
in it.

JOE
You got any ideas for me?

AMANDA
Don’t I always? Isn’t that right
Mrs. Nesbit?

Silence.

AMANDA (CONT’D)
Tea?

JOE
Yes please.

AMANDA
You wanna make something bad don’t
you?

JOE
Yeah.
 3.

AMANDA
Your nose can only take so much of
that shit at a time you know.

JOE
You preach to me inside my mind to?
Why don’t you get that stick out of
your ass?

AMANDA hands him a stick.

JOE (CONT’D)
You still have jokes I see. Don’t
ever change.

AMANDA
You want ideas?

JOE
Yeah damn it.

JOE notices AMANDA continues to pour tea. But the cup never
fills.

AMANDA
Well, you’re trying to write a
movie. Why not write about that.

JOE
Because it’s a dumb idea.

AMANDA
Have I ever steered you wrong?

JOE
You’re a hallucination.

AMANDA
Dude. Listen to me. I know these
things. I’m you.

JOE
I think I’ll go with my dream
project.

AMANDA
What’s that.

JOE
Fuck, I’m starting to sober up.

AMANDA
Under next time then.
 4.

INT. OFFICE

JOE is on the floor, LAUREN, his wife, is kicking him

violently

LAUREN
Hey! Get the fuck up! God damn...

JOE
How’d you get in?

LAUREN
I’m your wife... Idiot.

JOE
Nice...

LAUREN
Remember, the cameras? They’re here
to do the documentary.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
Adam Kirby told you yesterday.

JOE
I was just talking to Amanda
about...

LAUREN
No one is here Joe. Just us... And
the camera guy.

JOE
No, we were out in the parking
lot... she inspired me.

LAUREN
You know what. Don’t say anything
else. Come on. Let’s get you
cleaned up.

JOE gases are Lauren, still half high.

JOE
You look pretty today. You change
your hair?

LAUREN
Jesus Christ...

JOE walks over to a computer and sits down.

 5.

JOE
I, Joseph Black am about to embark
on a voyage of artistic excellence!

Silence. Then Joe bangs his head on his desk.

JOE (CONT’D)
Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

INT. BATHROOM

JOE is taking a bubble bath. LAUREN is sitting just outside

the open door.

JOE
Another day. Another artistic
triumph.

LAUREN
Yeah fucking right...

JOE
Great art takes time. You know that
great things take time. Did anyone
rush Mozart when he did he requiem?

LAUREN
Mozart died before he finished that
shit. If you wanna die. That can
arranged.

JOE
Okay, that was a bad example.

LAUREN
I want something. Soon. You
understand?

JOE
I gotca. Don’t worry about it. I’ll
talk to Adam Kirby later.

LAUREN
That man is just a faggot. He’s the
worst agent ever.

JOE
No, he’s cool.

LAUREN
I can see your sack. Fix that.

JOE adjusts his position in the tub

 6.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
I don’t even know why he still has
a job.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
There a reason why I’m in here with
you all naked and shit.

JOE
I’m jacking off.

LAUREN
Mature.

The phone rings. LAUREN continues to give JOE a glare. It’s

clear she’s not going to go pick it up. JOE groans and picks
up a phone near the tub.

JOE
Yeah, what’s up Kirby.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Hey... how’s my favorite
writer/director superstar person?

JOE
Stop with the bullshit Adam. You
have some shit for me?

ADAM (ON PHONE)

I’m your agent., don’t I always.

JOE
No.

JOE puts it on speaker.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Well fuck you. You remember that
treatment you sent me, Niggas Don’t
Know.

JOE
Yeah, that thing was fucking
brilliant.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

The studio loved it.

LAUREN
I heard the phase “Garden Variety”
like ten times.
 7.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
Many times.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

They don’t care about that.

JOE
The woman wiped her ass with it and
muttered something anti-semetic.

LAUREN
She hates niggers too.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Hey. Okay, listen bro. I just got
off the phone with some bitch named
White Rabbit.

JOE
Fuck is that?

ADAM (ON PHONE)

No clue. But she agreed to pony up
the cash.

JOE
What’s the catch.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

She wants to make a documentary
about it...

JOE
Bye Adam!

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Dude dude dude. He agreed to
distribute this shit. That’s free
advertising. Everything. You just
need to churn something out.

JOE
Not as easy as it looks man.

ADAM
Sure it is!

JOE
I guess I’ll do “Niggas Don’t
Know”.

LAUREN
Oh my god.
 8.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Who’s the best.

JOE
You are Adam.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Adam who?

JOE
Please don’t make me say it.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Come on...

JOE
Adam Fucking Kirby is the greatest.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Sorry, can’t hear you.

JOE
Adam Fucking Kirby is the greatest.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

You so want to suck the cock of
Adam Kirby don’t you?

JOE
Yes... yes I do.

ADAM (ON PHONE)

Yeah...

JOE
Bye Adam.

JOE hangs up the phone.

JOE (CONT’D)
Joe, now is your time to shine.

JOE (CONT’D)
After this bath.

INT. OFFICE

LAUREN
You know when they’re getting here?

JOE
Dunno.
 9.

LAUREN
It’s so messy.

JOE
Look who’s domestic all of a
sudden. I’m getting a June Cleaver
vibe over here.

LAUREN
Fuck you.

There’s a knock at the door. JOE and LAUREN freeze.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
You get that.

JOE walks over to the door and answers it. JEREMY is standing
there with a camera.

JEREMY
Hey.

JOE
What’s the deal Jeremy?

JEREMY
I’m here to like... film you and
stuff.

LAUREN
I don’t look good yet. Don’t start.

JEREMY
I don’t think that would really
matter much.

LAUREN groans and goes into the next room.

JOE
You just got up 15 minutes ago
didn’t you?

JEREMY
Shut the fuck up furry. Let’s just
get this shit done.

EXT. ROAD

JOE is walking down a road. Camera following him as he’s

being interviewed

JOE (V.O.)
My name’s Joe. I make movies.
 10.

JOE (CONT’D)
Some think all it takes to make a
movie is a cheap camera and stupid
idea.

JOE (CONT’D)
They were too right.

JOE notices a car approaching

JOE (CONT’D)
Oh God... not again.

JOE (CONT’D)
Having a reputation as a furry
around these parts is never easy.

A person in the car hang a pie out of the window and smacks
JOE in the face as they roll by. They drive away laughing

PERSON IN CAR
Furfag!

LAUREN shows up to help JOE to his feet.

LAUREN
You okay?

JOE
Who throws a pie!? Honestly!

EXT. ROAD

JOE stands in front of a car. Wiping pie off his face.

JOE
It’s like they wait for me.

JOE (CONT’D)
At happens three times a week at
least. But, a wolf can never
falter.

JOE (CONT’D)
Cherry. It’s good.

EXT. ROAD

LAUREN continues her interview.

 11.

LAUREN
Me and Joe have been married for a
few years now.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
We met on the indie circuit. Kinda
a whirlwind. I was so young then.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
God what have I done with my life.

EXT. ROAD

JOE continues his interview

JOE
I’m just another director right
now... another black director. What
fun is that? You gotta make a name
for your own damn self.

EXT. ROAD

LAUREN continues her interview.

LAUREN
He’s a really talented guy.

INT. CAR

JOE and LAUREN the car, listening to “Don’t Try to Stop It.”
lip syncing as they go.

EXT. PARK

JOE
This is where I go... to write.

JOE (CONT’D)
It’s very peaceful here. I like to
set up my PC as such.

We pan to camera to see JOE’s desktop computer set up on a

picnic table in the park.

JOE (CONT’D)
Beautiful.
 12.

EXT. GUZY’S HOUSE

JOE approaches GUZY’s house slowly and knocks on the door.

JOE
He’s a really hard nosed dude. So
don’t expect anything interesting.

GUZY
OHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOODDDDDDD!!!

JOE closes the door. Snickering can be heard behind the

camera

JOE starts to walk away.

JOE
Done... just done.

LAUREN
Just do it man.

JOE
Oh... fuck you.

JOE walks back over to the door.

GUZY
I can’t believe it’s you.

LAUREN
You actually know him?

GUZY
How can I forget... “Mr. Deserted
Island”, “Fire Truck Vs.
Wahmulance”, or “You don’t know
me!”

LAUREN
I’ve never heard of any of those.

JOE
Well Guzy... you ready to get
creative and shit?

GUZY
Hell yeah!

EXT. OPEN FIELD

GUZY and JOE are sitting in chairs being interviewed.

 13.

GUZY
The man is deep. I can’t believe
they threw him out of Sundance.

JOE
I was too real.

GUZY
I know man. I know.

JOE
Actually, we’re doing much more.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Huh?

JOE
We’re making a masterpiece

JOE looks around.

JOE (CONT’D)
Guzy, he’s making me sweat. Answer.

GUZY
Uh... yeah. It’s a hybrid genre.

LAUREN
Oh god... we went through this
already.

GUZY
Joe hit the scene hard a few years
back with his docudrama, “For I
have Seen How the Dog Pees.”

JOE
It was essentially scenes of dogs
taking a piss on synced to the
tunes of REO Speedwagon. Instant
hit.

LAUREN
How many awards have you won.

JOE
My associate Patti tells me it’s a
hit on Youtube... You know, 100k
views, lots of follows.
 14.

LAUREN
So none.

JOE
Smart ass.

JOE (CONT’D)
How’d you and we meet?

GUZY
Well we met at the local Ice Cream
place. He was filming some ice
cream melt for his documentary on
the dangers of sunlight.

EXT. ICE CREAM JOINT - AFTERNOON

Joe is sitting at a table behind an ice cream cone.

Staring at a camera. GUZY sits a table away, watching in awe.

JOE
See that America? That could be you
don’t protect that fucking ozone
layer.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
How did you get your start Guzy?

GUZY
Well...

INT. BEST BUY

GUZY and JOE are sitting in chairs being interviewed.

GUZY (V.O.)
I was in best buy. I think I was
picking up a new Hannah Montana DVD
or some shit.

GUZY strolls down an aisle and picks up a Hannah Montana DVD.

He licks his lips in victory.

GUZY (CONT’D)
I just need to buy some lotion.
 15.

GUZY (V.O.) (CONT’D)

I saw the Ghostbusters Blu-Ray set.

GUZY (V.O.) (CONT’D)

And I decided to make a movie.

INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
When was this?

GUZY (V.O.)
Three days ago.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

GUZY and JOE are sitting in chairs being interviewed.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Well, where are you gonna start.

GUZY
We’re not quite sure yet. Joe?

JOE
No clue...

Joe starts holding his head and rocking back and forth.

GUZY
Is that a flash of inspiration?
I’ve heard about this!

GUZY (CONT’D)
You filming this? This is a once in
a lifetime moment!

LAUREN
Or he just needs to lay off the
crack.

JOE
Get my stash.

LAUREN
Oh God...

EXT. VACANT LOT

LAUREN
This is the set huh?
 16.

JOE
Yeah, you like it?

LAUREN
It’s very you. I’ll put it that
way.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
It’s got charm though.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
If you like it. Then I like it.

JOE
Thanks sweetie.

LAUREN
Who’s ponying the cash for this
thing anyway?

WHITE RABBIT
Hello.

JOE
And you are?

GREY WOLF
Well, I’m Grey Wolf. And this is my
wife, white rabbit.

LAUREN
I’m just gonna wait in the car.

EXT. THE SET

The “set” I.E. A vacant lot has very few pieces of equipment
and a few chairs used for interviewing and shit.

WHITE RABBIT and her husband GREY WOLF are being interviewed

WHITE RABBIT
People say being a producer is the
easiest job there is.

GREY WOLF
Far from the truth.

WHITE RABBIT
These movie folk are the strangest
people. Their damn demands.

GREY WOLF
We want bathrooms.
 17.

WHITE RABBIT
Running water.

GREY WOLF
Shade.

WHITE RABBIT
These things all come from china
where they do slave labor.

GREY WOLF
Slave labor isn’t right.

WHITE RABBIT
Unless it’s black people.

GREY WOLF
Whoaaaaaaaaa...

WHITE RABBIT
I’m just saying they’re made for
this sort of thing.

WHITE RABBIT (CONT’D)

Nothing racial. It’s an advantage
that they have strong upper body.

GREY WOLF
We can cut that out right?

WHITE RABBIT
We believe in the preservation of
the earth.

GREY WOLF
That’s why we’re going to create
the first green movie.

WHITE RABBIT
Single camera. No emissions.

GREY WOLF
I love the environment.

WHITE RABBIT
I love you.

GREY WOLF
No I love you.

IDA
So you both love each other. Glad
we got that out of the way.
 18.

GREY WOLF
Who might you be.

JOE
That’s Ida, she’s been my assistant
for a while.

WHITE RABBIT
Pleased to meet you.

IDA
Wow, real live hippies. Guys, the
Bob Seger concert was last week.

EXT. FIELD

IDA is being interviewed

IDA
This shit doesn't happen without
me.

EXT. FIELD

JOE is walking around set and finds IDA eating some sort of
breakfast sandwitch.

JOE
Is that my breakfast?

IDA looks at it for a second.

IDA
Yeah.

JOE continues to stare in disgust.

IDA (CONT’D)
See something you like? This is
sexual harassment bub.

JOE
Every time, do we have to go
through this.

IDA
Through what?

JOE
You being you.
 19.

IDA
Hey, I gotta put up with you. I
think you’re well compensated.

JOE
Did you at least get those
elephants I wanted.

IDA
You know I gottca.

JOE
Well I don’t need them.

IDA
They’re coming right now.

JOE
Well stop them.

IDA
It’s a truck for of elephants dude.

JOE
Well make it happen. That’s what I
hired you for.

IDA
Right.

JOE
That’s why I love you.

IDA
Fuck.

EXT. SET

IDA is being interviewed

IDA
Joe’s got a little drug problem you
know. Maybe it explains his
writing. I dunno.

EXT.

JOE
Then we’re gonna blow that shit up
over there.
 20.

IDA
You’re fucking serious aren’t you?

JOE
Dead fucking serious.

IDA
I could make a call.

JOE
Could you?

IDA
Hey, I’m your girl.

JOE smiles and walks off.

IDA takes out her cell phone and makes a call.

IDA (CONT’D)
Yeah, I need someone to blow shit
up for free.

IDA (CONT’D)
Stop laughing!

EXT. SET

IDA is getting interviewed

IDA
Like I said, shit just doesn't
happen without me.

EXT. SET

LAUREN runs into JOE who’s actively trying to avoid her.

LAUREN
You got that script?

JOE
Yeah...

LAUREN
Why like that?

JOE
I just don’t like it.

LAUREN
Don’t start.
 21.

JOE
I...

LAUREN
Don’t. Last time. We ended up going
to Peru so you could “Find
Yourself”

JOE
That was a fun time wasn’t it? You
know the mountains and...

LAUREN
No. It’s not fine.

JOE
We talked about this before.

LAUREN
What?

JOE
You taking control?

LAUREN
Someone’s gotta. I’m not going to
Peru again.

JOE
You don’t have to worry about that.

LAUREN
I hope not.

JOE
Don’t worry about it. Kay?

EXT. SET

LAUREN continues her interview

LAUREN
I worry about him, a lot. He seems
to be into you know...

LAUREN (CONT’D)
Extracurriculars.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
Yeah, I gave that shit up. It’s not
worth it.
 22.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
Sometimes I’m like. Lauren, you
don’t need that shit. You’re not
writing children’s books anymore.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
I kinda miss it though.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
You ever been on a trip.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
Well it’s different for every human
being. Some of us start flying,
others may get naked and run around
our apartment complexes at three in
the morning singing Elton John.

LAUREN (CONT’D)
Apparently, Joe has tea parties
with our friend Amanda.

EXT. SET

JOE is getting interviewed

JOE
Drug usage is a big part in
creating the film. Look at the
Beatles “Yellow Submarine”

JOE (CONT’D)
Motherfuckers were on Acid, I swear
to God. And look what they did.
Fucking art.

JOE (CONT’D)
I see you judging me with your
eyes.

JOE (CONT’D)
I could have you killed.

EXT. SET

JOE is looking out on the set and IDA approaches him.

IDA
Why the fuck do we have a light
guy?
 23.

JOE
Shit, he’s still here.

IDA
I swear to God, how many times do I
have to fire that guy.

IDA (CONT’D)
Just another one of my
responsibilities... you know.

IDA (CONT’D)
And where’s my sandwich?

IDA notices DAHL, the light guy eating her sandwitch.

IDA (CONT’D)
Motherfucker!

EXT. SET

DAHL is getting interviewed

DAHL
Yeah... I’m Simon Dahl...

DAHL (CONT’D)
Yeah. She totally flipped over
nothing. It’s just a sandwich.

IDA (O.S.)
I know where you live fucker!

JOE (O.S.)
Both of you. Shut up.

DAHL
You shut up!

JOE (O.S.)
Dude, you do lights. No one gives a
shit about you.

DAHL stares at the ground in discontent.

EXT. SET

DAHL, after composing himself, conintues with the interview.

DAHL
There people just don’t get it.
Without light.
 24.

DAHL (CONT’D)
You have nothing.

DAHL (CONT’D)
And God said, let there be light!
Fucking God man! Fucking Bible.

EXT. SET

JOE is talking to DAHL

JOE
How many times have we done this.

DAHL
I know you’re not serious. You need
a light guy.

DAHL (CONT’D)
Just ain’t right to do otherwise.

JOE
I could bring Ida over here. She
already wants your blood...

JOE (CONT’D)
And no court would convict her.

DAHL
But the lighting...

Joe sighs.

JOE
Dude...

JOE (CONT’D)
We have...

JOE (CONT’D)
No.

JOE (CONT’D)
Lights!

DAHL
Therein lies your problem. Maybe
that’s the link between you and
your writers block.

JOE
Who told you I had writers block?
 25.

DAHL
Your wife told me, she’s very
conserned.

JOE
Well I appricite it, but I have no
problems writing.

DAHL
You sure.

JOE
I’m sure.

DAHL
No shit?

JOE
No shit.

INT. LEIA’S HOUSE

LEIA, JOE’s psychologist is being interviewed

LEIA
Joe sometimes comes to me when he
can’t write. I guess I inspire him
or something. I just wish he’d go
to the office.

INT. LEIA’S HOUSE

JOE is laying on a couch. LEIA is sitting in a chair next to

him.

JOE
I still can’t write.

LEIA
Joe, this really isn’t the venue...

JOE
Of course it is, you said I could
see you any time.

LEIA
I haven’t had breakfast. I can get
really grumpy. I don’t know how
much help I can be.

JOE
I need something.
 26.

LEIA
Fine. Have a seat.

LEIA (CONT’D)
Can I get you anything?

JOE
No, no. That’s fine.

LEIA
Still not sleeping?

JOE
Not a wink. It’s been killing me.

JOE (CONT’D)
And Lauren is no help.

LEIA
I’m sorry to hear that.

JOE
Shit happens.

LEIA
You’re not still doing drugs I
hope.

JOE
No...

LEIA
Don’t lie to me, I don’t have the
time today man.

JOE
Just a little, from time to time.

LEIA
How many times a day.

JOE
Don’t be.

LEIA
Joe, do you want me to speak to you
as your doctor or as your friend.

JOE
Chirst... will you be my friend
today.
 27.

LEIA
I good friend would fill up a
pillow case with bars of soap and
beat the shit out of you.

LEIA (CONT’D)
Still want me to be your friend
today?

JOE
No...

LEIA
Okie then. If you really want to
get inspired...

JOE
Yeah?

LEIA
Embrace those visions.

JOE
What?

LEIA
You heard me, embrace the visions.

JOE
So play along.

LEIA
You said there were tea parties.
Play along with the tea party.

JOE
You serious?

LEIA
It’s before breakfast. I’m nothing
but serious.

JOE
Can I tell you about another vision
I had.

LEIA
Sure.

JOE
I illustrated it using RPG maker
2000.
 28.

JOE proceeds to pull out a laptop from behind the couch and
fires up RPG Maker 2000

LEIA
Oh God... Joe...

JOE
Just wait for it.

JOE flips the screen around to show the animation.

JOE (CONT’D)
Okay, you see me walking.

LEIA
Duh.

LEIA (CONT’D)
Why are you white? Is this some
kinda...

JOE
No, I’m too lazy to change the
sprites. Let’s focus.

JOE (CONT’D)
We’re walking, we’re walking. And
THEN!

JOE (CONT’D)
Cliffs.

JOE (CONT’D)
One would think I could jump this
shit.

LEIA
But you didn’t program it that way.

JOE
I was just IN the dream. Gotta keep
up.

LEIA
Stupid me.

JOE
Okay, after a few tries. I get onto
this ice platform thing.

JOE (CONT’D)
Then the fucking Yeti attacks.
 29.

LEIA
The fucking Yeti... I think that’s
enough of you for one day.

JOE
But we’re not at the anal sex yet.

LEIA
I think that can wait.

INT. LEIA’S HOUSE

LEIA continues her interview

LEIA
I swear he’s losing his mind.

LEIA (CONT’D)
But as his friend, and a
professional. I have a duty.

EXT. SET

IDA
I think your shrink is an idiot.

JOE
We can’t start production until the
script is done, and that’s all me.

IDA
Bullshit, we can start. We’ll just
shoot in sequence.

JOE
You know how ridiculous and moronic
that would be.

IDA
Yeah, I thought it was something
you’d do.

JOE
When are the actors getting here?

IDA
They said noon, but I feel like
they’re running on colored people
time.

JOE
You mean they’re late?
 30.

IDA
Yeah, what’d I say?

JOE
Well go find out for sure.

LAUREN
You see her this morning?

JOE
Yeah, Leia was a big help.

JOE (CONT’D)
No, I lied, snarky as always.

LAUREN
Had to have told you something?

JOE
Yeah, she said to play along with
the visions.

LAUREN
What?

JOE
Yeah, I think it’s worth a try.

IDA
They’re coming. Gird your loins.

EXT. SET

ZAP CANNON, a douchey looking actor steps out of a car and

takes off his sunglasses in slow motion.

ZAP CANNON
Where’s the director?

JOE
That’d be me.

JOE extends his hand for a handshake but is denied

JOE (CONT’D)
You must be Dave...

ZAP CANNON
Zap... Zap Cannon.

IDA
Judaic action superstar. We know
the drill. I briefed him.
 31.

JOE
No you didn’t.

IDA
(Muttering)
Shut the hell up.

ZAP CANNON
Where’s my banana. I require one
every hour because of my potassium
deficiency.

IDA
And it begins.

JOE
Who are these two?

ZAP CANNON
Bebop and Rock Steady.

ZAP CANNON (CONT’D)

You think that’s funny?

JOE
Very.

IDA
I’m gonna go get your fruit.

IDA walks away.

ZAP CANNON
Now there’s a good woman right
there.

JOE
Oh, you’ll learn.

ZAP CANNON
So where’s my trailer.

JOE
You see that’s the thing. There
isn’t one...

ZAP CANNON
You’re going to jail. I’m gonna get
my attorney on the phone. You know,
he’s Jewish too.

JOE
Wait, hold on.
 32.

ZAP CANNON
Remember what we did to your people
in the book for Genesis? Well that
time’s coming again motherfucker.

JOE
Wait. Hold on, maybe we can work
something out.

ZAP CANNON
Perhaps.

JOE
Your co-star should be here pretty
soon. I’m sure you won’t be
disappointed.

ZAP CANNON
We’ll see...

IDA returns with a banana

IDA
Here’s your banana. Watch or for
those damn turtles.

ZAP CANNON smiles and walks away.

JOE
This was a mistake wasn’t it?

IDA
The biggest.

JOE
What’d you do to that banana?

IDA
Let’s just say it smells like vag.

JOE
You’re sick.

IDA
That’s why you love me.

EXT. SET

IDA continues her interview.

 33.

IDA
Actors are like that sometimes,
they think they’re on top of the
world, they think they’re
untouchable.

IDA (CONT’D)
Next thing you know, they’re
putting on a fat suit as an excuse
to wear a dress.

IDA (CONT’D)
It’s a sad cycle. That’s why I
don’t act.

EXT. SET

LAUREN runs into DAHL in the middle of the set.

LAUREN
Oh my God, you’re still here?

DAHL
Fuck wouldn’t I be?

LAUREN
I thought they fired you?

DAHL
Yeah.

LAUREN
You know what, you keep doing what
you’re doing.

DAHL
I’m trying to find the perfect spot
for the lights.

LAUREN
Dude, there are no lights.

DAHL
You need to be prepared my dear.

LAUREN
You’re too much.

DAHL
Your ass dosen’t look so big from
here.
 34.

INT.

DAHL
I learned today that even writers
are extremely insecure about their
self image.

IDA gives DAHL a steak.

IDA
Put this on it.

DAHL whinces.

DAHL
It’s marinated.

IDA
I’m gonna be hungry later.

INT. CAR

LAUREN walks by a car and finds JOE snorting up again.

LAUREN
What are you doing?!

JOE
I need to be inspired. And I need
to be inspired now.

LAUREN
No.

JOE
Don’t get so uptight.

LAUREN
I can’t cover for you here. You
know that.

JOE
Don’t worry about it. Just keep
everyone busy.

LAUREN
Fine.

LAUREN walks away.

 35.

EXT. LAKEFRONT

The city in the background. We find ourselves at another tea

party.

AMANDA
Hey Joe. Welcome back. Me and Mrs.
Nezbit missed you.

JOE
Beautiful view.

AMANDA
Isn’t it?

JOE
Great city.

AMANDA
Tea?

JOE
Oh yes.

AMANDA
How’s the writing?

JOE
Slow.

AMANDA
And Lauren... you two still
fucking?

JOE
When she lets me.

AMANDA
You need to. Your balls will stop
working.

JOE
Hey, lets stick to the writing.

AMANDA
But your balls...

JOE
The writing!

AMANDA
Shit, he’s really mean today. Isn’t
he Mrs. Nizbit?
 36.

JOE
And damn it, does this thing ever
fucking fill.

AMANDA
Someone’s a little angry. You need
a nap?

JOE
I’m fine Amanda... just fine.

JOE (CONT’D)
But what do I do??

AMANDA
Sweetie...

JOE
I gotta know, I’m sitting out there
in a car, high as fuck.

AMANDA
Let me see.

AMANDA (CONT’D)
“Niggas Don’t Know About My
Suburbs”.

AMANDA (CONT’D)
First off, this name sucks.

JOE
The name stays.

AMANDA
Do you want my help or not?

JOE
The name I believe encompasses all
the crap we suburbanites go
through.

AMANDA stares in a “fuck you” manner.

AMANDA
So hookers, high stakes poker, and
high speed chases.

JOE
Uhhh... yeah. Duh. Don’t be stupid.

AMANDA
Real hood. Cool story bro.
 37.

AMANDA (CONT’D)
I’m your imagination. I’m only as
dumb as you are. But maybe I’ve
giving you too much credit.

AMANDA (CONT’D)
Nigger please!

JOE
Does this damn cup ever get full?

AMANDA
Okay... this.

JOE
Huh?

AMANDA
Film this. You can’t lose.

JOE
Oh thank you.

EXT. CAR

IDA is staring at JOE through the window.

IDA
Wow.

JOE rolls down the window.

JOE
How long you been there?

IDA
Since you started jacking off on
your steering wheel.

IDA (CONT’D)
You need to be alone?

JOE
That’d be great, thanks.

EXT. SET

It’s the first day of actual filming.

 38.

JOE
Okay, in the scene, it’s very
simple. You’re gonna slide over the
hood of this car.

ZAP CANNON
That’s it? No explosion? No
nothing.

JOE
It’s just an establishing shot. We
don’t really need to...

ZAP CANNON
Who do I need to talk to about
rewrites?

JOE
Me, and we aren’t going to have
any.

ZAP CANNON
Your script sucks, it’s crying out
for help man.

JOE
No...

JOE puts the script up to his ear.

JOE (CONT’D)
It’s telling you to shut the fuck
up.

ZAP CANNON
I need to call my agent.

EXT. SET

JOE is continuing his interview

JOE
It’s crazy man. It’s crazy.

JOE (CONT’D)
But I have here the finished
product. It’s been a long fucking
time coming.

JOE (CONT’D)
Who’s that?
 39.

EXT. SET

IDA walks up to JOE with AMY, a young actress.

IDA
Yeah, this is Amy... Cumshot.

AMY
That’s Timshot.

IDA
I know, what did I say?

AMY
Fucking bitch.

IDA
Joe’s over there, try not to suck
any dick on your way this is a
disease free sit.

AMY
Fuck you old lady.

EXT. SET

AMY is giving her interview.

AMY
Yeah, I’m Amy, you might no we from
such films like I Knew What You Did
Last Tuesday between 4-and 6”.
“Bikini House Party 6”

DAHL (O.S.)
Personal favorite

DAHL (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Just sayin...

AMY
Adam Kirby gave me a call and said
there was a part for a hot Mexican
girl.

AMY (CONT’D)
And since I was the only one on the
list who wasn’t pregnant, who
better right?
 40.

EXT. SET

IDA is finishing her interview, half drunk.

IDA
This new generation of actresses...
always party party party.

IDA (CONT’D)
When I was her age, I was in
fucking school.

IDA (CONT’D)
Don’t you walk away from me!

IDA (CONT’D)
This film, is gonna be something
amazing. I can feel it. I know
these things. Been in the business
for... since before your parents
fucked.

EXT. SET

JOE is finishing his interviews

JOE
I feel as if these actors, just
aren’t in it for the cause of
cinema. They have no respect at
all.

JOE (CONT’D)
It’s a sad reality quite frankly.

JOE (CONT’D)
We’re a dying breed you and me.

JOE (CONT’D)
People don’t want indie films
anymore. You gotta spend money to
make money. And we indie filmmakers
don’t have jack shit to spend.

JOE (CONT’D)
We’re all just drunk on our own
passion I suppose.

EXT. SET

DAHL is finishing his interview

 41.

DAHL
I finally got some good spots for
the lights. Too bad it’s too late

EXT. SET

ZAP CANNON finishes his interview.

ZAP CANNON
I have respect for what he’s doing.
I just don’t think Joe is doing it
very well.

ZAP CANNON (CONT’D)

I mean shit. We’re in an open field
at an old drive in... about to
shoot a car chase. What the fuck is
this?

ZAP CANNON (CONT’D)

The girl doesn't look half bad
though.

EXT. SET

IDA and JOE are standing in front of a car

IDA
Okay, we oiled down the hood a
little bit. Should be easy to slide
across now.

JOE
Let’s give it a whirl then.

JOE slides across the hood and busts his shit.

EXT. SET

JOE giving his last words to the camera

JOE
I feel it’s important to test the
props for the actors. They’ll do
anything you do.

JOE (CONT’D)
God... my back...
 42.

EXT. DALEY PLAZA - 6 MONTHS LATER

JOE and LAUREN approach IDA who’s sitting on a bench.

JOE
Hey.

IDA
You wanted to meet me. What for?

LAUREN
Hey.

IDA
You guys were planning to kill me
all this time I knew it!

LAUREN
Get over yourself. Just wanted to
discuss the film.

IDA
It’s been in post for a while now
hasn’t it?

LAUREN
It’s a hit. Look.

IDA
Well fuck me in the ass and call me
a bitch.

LAUREN
White rabbit wants a sequel. We
already signed the actors back.

IDA
I’m in.

JOE
Good. Let’s go eat fried chicken or
something.