Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Email Error
It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes
unintentionally, with serious consequences……..
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to
meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his
wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away
only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on
the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers
receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the....
PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just
stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no
one will answer anyway…..
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward
them.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young
man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her
purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the
young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean
my house."
A good salesman
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can
sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one
for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything,
anytime!"
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample.
Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he
walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets
down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and
sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones’ and this one is Mrs.
Johnson's."
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers
convention -
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
A crowded train
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking
for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed
middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You
Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is
using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip
down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are
you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the
soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you
Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b**ch out of the window."
Virus warning
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open
it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream
melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be
honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun
until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense
and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
interpretations of key sentences.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun
game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls
over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some
sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me,
I will pay you $500!."
Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde
doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and
hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a
puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net
and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-
workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde
politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her
purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep…….
New drugs invented for women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed ! before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge
to flip off other drivers.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and
credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation
level as nagging him.
Just how drunk are you ?
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you
really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below
truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer
values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final
answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful
woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the
planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new
chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented,
rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers.
If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can
even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about
standing up.
For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too
many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate.
Standing up will probably result in injury.
For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking
now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you
want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a
problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be
getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of
driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to
the bar this very moment
Expensive Barbie
A man walks into Toys-R-Us and says to the sales assistant, 'Could you show
me your Barbie dolls, please?' 'Certainly, sir,' she says. 'Here, we have
Fashion Barbie at £15.95, Vacation Barbie, also £15.95, Housewife Barbie -
that's £15.95 too - and Divorcee Barbie, at £215.95.' The man is astonished.
'Why's Divorcee Barbie so much?' he asks. 'She looks the same as the others
to me.' 'Well, sir,' says the assistant, 'that's because Divorcee Barbie comes
complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog...'
Alcohol warnings
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you
finish.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of
teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet.
You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat
yourself to a lie in.
"I know they say milk does a body good but damn, how much have u been
drinking?"
"That dress looks great on you! It would look even better in a pile on my
bedroom floor!"
"Just wondering, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning?"
"If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!"
"Your father must have been a thief... he took the stars from the sky and put
them in your eyes."
"It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us."
"Why don`t u come here sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing
that pops up."
"Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day."
"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?"
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them
up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open
them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open
them up everything is color coded.
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them
asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless,
and their butts and brains are interchangeable".
A very busy bull
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley
that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He
mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times
last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365
times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this
one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with
the same cow."
Expensive perfume
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive
perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very
expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is
about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in
the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
Reasons for allowing drinking at work
2. It reduces stress.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't
care.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't
recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old
friend of mine..."
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first
and last names.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a
clue, do you?"
Doctor’s diagnosis
After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up. The
doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad
news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'. The man looks
shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?' 'Ten' replies the doctor.
'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you
mean?' The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'
10 Signs that proves you are really drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have
forgotten what one looks like.
The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins…….."
"Chicken Little"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then
asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A
talking chicken!'"