KINDERGARTEN TATTOO ARTIST

By Katie Ruppert
Version 2
Characters (2m, 1f, 1 flex)
Nate & Chad- M, late teens-20s, two bros on a mission.
Alex- M/F, 20+, the tattoo parlor receptionist, and
hard-core rocker type.
Madison- F, played 6-8, the tattoo artist.
---------------------------------------------------------------Two bros, CHAD and NATE enter the tattoo shop. We see ALEX
is sitting at the desk, looking badass. Chad is very
nervous, but Nate is excited.
NATE
BRUH, if youre gonna get a tattoo,
this is the place to DO-IT. The
artist here is IN-CRED-IB-AL. You
just gotta let her do her thing...
CHAD
(To Alex) Hi, I made an appointment
with Madison.
ALEX
Ah, yes you must be Chad.
Congratulations, Madison is very
talented. She did all mine!
Alex shows Nate and Chad her impressive tattoos.
NATE
Mine too! She is a VIS-ON-ARY.
ALEX
Ill go back and get her. Wait
here.
Alex exits.
CHAD
I dont know man, Im really
nervous. You promise me this artist
is good? I dont want to get
anything Im gonna regret.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.
NATE
Aw, hell yeah man! Trust me the
artist is OFF-THE-CHAIN.
CHAD
Alright, if you say so...

Alex enters holding the hand of MADISON, a little girl in a

pink sweater, looking tired and shy.
MADISON
Hello. My...my name is Madison and
I will be your tattoo awtist today.
Pwease take a seat.
CHAD
Oh my God, is she...?
NATE
The artist? HELL YEAH man... what
up Madison? Hows first grade
treating you gurl?
MADISON
Pretty... pretty good. My teacher
is Mrs. V and shes nice, and...
and I like her a lot.
ALEX
Is there anything you need Madison?
MADISON
Juice box pwease.
Alex exits.
CHAD
Youve got to be kidding me!
NATE
What are you talkin about dude?
Shes the best in the biz.
Alex enters, she gives Madison a juice box.
MADISON
Tank you. Now wets discuss your...
your... tattoo. Would you like a
bunny? Or a bunny, kissing a kitty
and Santa is there and...a...and
grandma comes and... and shes
there too? Or... or... or... a
unicorn, but hes dead.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

NATE
Dude, her bunnies are A-MAZ-ING.
ALEX
And, dead unicorns are our most
popular design.
CHAD
Actually, I was thinking maybe
three Xs and a snake going through
them...
MADISON
Im afraid of snakes!
CHAD
Oh, but youre fine with dead
unicorns?
NATE
Common man, no snakes. Dude, you
gotta go with them bunnies BRUH!
CHAD
Alright, well how about like the
words "Free Parking" or make my
crack look like an ATM machine? Oh!
I got it! "Members Only"! Its like
writing "boner garage", with class.
Or maybe, I should just get "boner
garage"? Thats funny, right?
NATE
Look man, do you really want to
explain why you have a tattoo of
the words "boner garage" to your
future wife and kids? You dont
wanna get something you regret. And
you know what nobody ever regrets?
NATE & ALEX
(In unison) A dead unicorn!
CHAD
(In unison) My moms name?
MADISON
(In unison, improvs line)
CHAD
No, you know what. Screw the wife,
screw the kids, I dont even know
them yet. Its my butt, and I want
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

CHAD (contd)
to horrify my parents by writing
"boner garage" above it.
MADISON
My parents dont know Im here.
CHAD
Yep decision made, Madison
sweetheart, come over here and
deface my butt.
Chad lays down on the table, while Madison starts to prep
her tools, making whirring noises.
MADISON
Okay, here... here we go. B as in
buddy. O as in oval. M as in
Mummy...
CHAD
No! N! N as in number! N as in
Nemo!
MADISON
N as in Nemo...
CHAD
Madison, how old are you?
She stops and puts up six fingers.
MADISON
This many.
CHAD
Nate, is this even legal?
NATE
Dude, the question isnt "is this
legal..." The question is, "does
this place have a bathroom?"
MADISON
You want a flower?
CHAD
No, just write "boner garage",
plain and simple. What is a six
year old doing running a tattoo
parlor?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

MADISON
Times... times are tough.
Alex enters carrying a pink kiddie phone.
ALEX
Madison, Teddy is on line one.
MADISON
Tell teddy Im wif a client.
ALEX
He says it cant wait.
MADISON
Gimme. (Alex hands her the toy
phone.) Hello? Teddy, I cant... I
cant talk. The...the tea party
will just have to wait. Okay, tell
the Barbies I love them. I love you
teddy. Fine, dont say it back!
(She hangs up) Bears, am I right?
ALEX
Madison, when youre done you have
another appointment for 5pm. And I
need you to sign these...
MADISON
(Tearing up, developing into a full
tantrum.) Alex! Gimme a rest! I
have so much on my plate, with
school, and my coloring, and Teddy,
and this... I just... I just need
you to gimme a little... a little
break. Its hard! Its hard having,
a caweer and a teddy, and all
those Barbies to feed ...
ALEX
Of course, Im sorry Madison. Do
you need another juice box?
MADISON
Yes pwease. Okay, pull it together
Madison.
Alex enters with another juice box.
ALEX
This one is strawberry.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.
MADISON
Dats my favorite! Okay, Im gonna
add a heart.
CHAD
No, no hearts!
NATE
(With false depth) Trust me man,
let her put her heart into it.
ALEX
She always does.

Madison finishes. Chad stands up, and he picks up a hand

held mirror to examine his tattoo.
MADISON
All done. Keep your bottom dry for
48 houders. Thank you for coming to
Tots Tats. Come give me bye-bye
hugs.
CHAD
Oh wow, this is... beautiful.
Thats amazing Madison. How much do
we owe you?
MADISON
Nine and seven dollars and
eleven-four cookies.
CHAD
Oh man, do we have eleven-four
cookies?
NATE
Dont worry man, I got you covered.
(He hands a hundred to Alex) For
you. (He takes another $5 out of
his wallet) and for the artist!
(Madison holds out her piggy bank
and he puts it in.) That should
cover your cookie costs. Bye bye
Madison. Catch you on DA-FLIP.
Nate and Chad lean down for bye bye hugs.
CHAD
Bye, and thank you! And Madison, I
know youre really talented and
stuff, but remember, you come first
and some things in life are more
important than work.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

Chad and Nate exit.

MADISON
Bye bye big guys. Alex, its been
a... a long day. Reschedule the
rest of my pointments, and tell
Teddy Ill be home in time for
the.. for the tea party. Also, call
my school, they dont know where I
am.
Madison exits. End of scene.