Dont meddle with coee

S.V. Vijayaraghavachariar

ere are a multitude of things in which my wife and I seriously disagreefor

instance, the purchase of a saree or keeping an expensive brother-in-law at college.
But when my wife, one day, seriously proposed that we should retrench our
expenditure and save up something, I was struck all of a heap.
We cannot aord to go on like this, without a thought for the morrow, she wisely
began.
inking of today is deuce enough, I cut in; having only a quarter of an hour ago
dodged my wifes tailor.
e fact is, this was not our rst attempt at regulating our domestic nances. e
rst time we thought about it, we believed that strict account-keeping should
impose a check on our expenditure. With an enthusiasm born of rst attempts, I
hastily invested some amount in purchasing an account book, as respectable as a
domestic account book can be, elegant in the make-up, double-ruled, for debit and
credit entries, in thick glazed paper, and bound in ne morocco leather. It was a
charming sight to see the dear girl sitting in front of a table under an electric lamp,
her bracelets clinking sweetly at every stroke of the pen; while I lay stretched on an
easy chair beside her, plunged in e Hindu and enjoying the Opposition in the
Council, heckling the Ministers for the sheer fun of the thing. But the pity of it
was that half the items of expenditure had got forgotten before she started
entering them.
What all did we spend this evening, dear? she would say. We took Rs. with
us and I cannot account for thirteen.
And then I would start, Rs. for saree, for petticoat, one-ten for lace, one-six

for insertion, annas face powder, annas pu, one-four Hazeline snow, Re.
lime juice and glycerine, and suddenly break down.
I have entered all that up. Havent you purchased anything for yourself?
Yes, tie clip for two annas. Men never buy anything for more.
Of course; but that still leaves twelve-fourteen unaccounted; and we left
twelve-fourteen to roll into our memory over night. After a fortnight, our
accounts no doubt showed great economy in expenditure, but twice the amount of
cash had gone from the box. We desperately gave up account-keeping.
Going over the accounts of amounts we have wasted is not the thing to put a
check on it, she said, as a result of the process of rationalisation as new
psychologists would call it. One or two other desperate devices of the kind left us
where we were. You therefore see why I got furious when the hateful subject was
raked up again.
But we must do something, she said, Suppose you cut Rs. out of the allowance
you make for household expenses. What follows?
A devil of a row, I said sulkily.
Dont be silly, she frowned. Please be a little serious. Rs. a month makes
in the year, , in ten years and interest year after year.
Yes that should leave a fortune for three generations of our descendants, I put in.
But she was not to be stopped; and I also began to think there might be
possibilities in the proposal.
Coee they say is injurious to health and we spend between Rs. and Rs.
every month over it. Suppose we cut it out, she suggested.
at we may, I readily assented. I never suspected what dangerous consequences
lurked behind the step. I thought it only involved a resolve.
I cannot understand why every domestic retrencher starts with coee. But that he
does; and little knows that it is a dangerous rock on which most honest resolves
get disastrously shattered. Besides, the step develops in the human body canine
tendencies of the most ferocious character. I tell you seriously, and after bitter
experience; whatever you do, dont cut out coee. You may cut out food, you may

go about in rags, or walk three miles to your oce, but dont meddle with coee, if
you dont want to lead a dogs life through the rest of your existence.
We determined to save the coee item, and put our resolve to practice the very
next day. On the rst morning, we looked heroically virtuous.
I am feeling so happy that we have after all done something, beamed my wife,
and I felt proud that I was also not a little responsible for the happiness.
At oce, in the day, a friend of mine oered me coee. I dont take coee, I said.
Really! How is that? he said in surprise. Neither I, nor my wife, I said, and
proudly shook my head; indicating that he might take a lesson if he would.
On the second morning, my wife said, It is all a matter of habit. Four or ve days
abstention like this should accustom us, and set things right. Of course, we may
feel a bit queer now, but we will get over itby doggedness. And doggedly we
abstained that day. In the evening when I came home, my wife was grousing and
quarrelling with every servantan unusual thing with her. Unconsciously I also
felt a bit quarrelsome, I couldnt say why. However we slept over it in the night.
On the third morning, I was sitting in my room unaccountably moody, and
vaguely contemplating nothing in particular, when my wife entered, and asked me
as usual, What shall we have for our food today?
Have any damn thing you like. What do you want to plague a man for with all
kinds of silly things as if a man has nothing else to do in the world than answering
wifes silly questions? I shrieked.
It is really ne of you, Sir. Why must you go into a rage as if the heavens have
come down? at is the reward I get for toiling and sweating in this house. Let
your food precious drop into your plate from heaven, she thundered, and left the
room loudly banging the door behind.
e situation was getting serious, and I was meditating peace proposals with as
much grace as was necessary to support a husbands dignity.
And my wife came into my room a quarter of an hour later, quite in a chastened
mood.
Dont be cross, my dear. I was in the wrong. Promise me you wont be cross, she
lisped.

I also want to ask you one thing, she said. Shant we reinstate coee and cut out
something else?
Shant we? Why? We shall, I said.
In a minute, the kettle was singing gaily on the stove, and we hugged each other in
anticipatory happiness.
I tell you, my little house-wives and husbands, if you will prot by experience,
please dont meddle with coee. Whatever you may cut out, dont cut coee out.