Named “Best Publication on Campus” by the Dayly Campus (“Best of” Reader’s Poll)

themuddler.smu@gmail.com Volume Four, Issues 1 & 2

www.scribd.com/TheMuddler September 2010

“4 Nails” Event Worse Than Last

Year’s Girl Talk “Concert”
SMU - We here at the Muddler
thought that nothing could top
SMU now ranks 56th in the nation ac- the fail that was PC’s Girl Talk
cording to US News and Reports. That concert. We were wrong. On Sep-
means there are probably 55 schools you tember 23, a group called PULSE
couldn’t get into.
(People Undermining Legitimate
PULSE plans new event to illustrate how Science Education) held an event
the Earth is actually at the center of the called “4 Nails in Dar-
galaxy. win’s Coffin”.
Dayly Campus strives to be compatant
for the first time in years. (You see what
Let us begin by
we did there?) saying that the Mud-
dler doesn’t really
PULSE to hold anti-gravity event in ever do its homework
protest of gravity’s radical secular agenda when it comes to
against the heavens.
events on campus
Glenn Close appears on campus, con- so we thought going
tinuing SMU’s tradition of making a big into the event that
deal everytime someone you’ve never we were going to be
heard of comes to campus. watching a porno be-
PULSE to team up with Insane Clown
tween Ryan Reynolds’
Ruined that childhood memory
Posse to figure out all the mysteries of character in “Bur- for you, didn’t we?
the world. Finally, we will understand the ied” and Darwin,
magic behind magnets. the chimpanzee
from “The Wild Thornberrys”.
Boy, were we wrong.
Help make the print media re-
dundantly irrelevant. Subscribe to It was actually an event
the digital version of The Muddler. for crazy people who appar-
Send an email to ‘themuddler. ently don’t understand evolution. tion for God’s sake.
smu@gmail.com’. Clearly, no one in attendance is
a South Park fan because those
The Muddler 1
of us who are avid watchers of
South Park know that evolution
is when monkeys have butt sex
with fish-squirrels or something
like that.
This calls for a Muddler
smackdown.
They teach evo-
lution in 8th grade
biology in Texas. While
none of the Muddler
staff is allowed within
50 feet of a middle
school, we think its
safe to say that a lot
of 14 year old middle
schoolers currently
understand evolution
better than the stu-
dents that attended
“4 Nails”.
And another thing, SMU
already has enough problems to
be dealing with this kind of igno-
rance amongst the student body.
We have a new possum infesta-
Continued on Page 3
 8) Best Drinking Games-- #3 Flipadelphia, #2 Pong,
#1 The Muddler presents Dayly Campus Drinking
Game: Find typos and take a shot! (The Muddler is
not responsible for alcohol poisoning.)
9) Boaz Hoes are God’s gift to humanity. RAs are
Satan’s curse upon humanity.
10) It’s going to snow one of these days. You are
Christian Cornwallis going to want to build an igloo. Then you are going
has been imparting to want to smoke weed inside that igloo. You think
his vast knowledge it’s going to be a good idea. And it is. Do it.
on those in need 11) Half of your tuition goes towards the football
for many years for program. That is why people only stay for half the
the general better- game.
ment of human- 12) The M.R.S. degree is real. And it’s not a coinci-
kind. Christian is dence that most of them are in Cox.
currently a practic- 13) If you have a good outside-the-classroom
ing gentleman of relationship with your teacher, they might bump up
leisure and advice your grade a little bit at the end of the semester.
columnist for the However, making some loser do your homework is
Muddler. a lot easier, and unlike hanging out in a professor’s
office, doesn’t smell like cats.
14) The B.A. on your degree-in-progress doesn’t
stand for “Bad Ass”. It stands for saying, “Would

Christian Cornwallis’ Tips you like some fries with that?” to people that got a
B.S. and thus have real world skill sets.

For Success
Want to have as successful of a freshmen year as I
did? Haha. I’m just kidding, that is impossible, but
here are my tips for a successful freshmen year:
1) Don’t live in Virginia-Snider.
2) UMPH is for those that have resigned them-
selves to gaining the Freshman 15.
3) Don’t buy an umbrella, use the Dayly Campus
instead.
4) Don’t do homework unless something physical-
ly must be turned in. If that is the case, only do it if it
is worth at least 8% of your total grade in the class.
5) Adderall.
6) Don’t live in Smith or Perkins.
7) A good hour-long workout for girls in Dedman
is jogging on the treadmill for 15 minutes and then
standing around and flirting with guys for 45 min-
utes.
15) Fraterday sounds like a cool idea for a Satur-
day, but it basically involves just sitting around with
a bunch of guys drinking beer, farting and watch-
ing college football. Cornwallisday is what I call my
Saturdays, when I lounge around on my yacht, eat
fondue and take my Saturday sexual encounters like
I take my scotch: straight.
16) Saying you are hung over during class isn’t
a good reason for not being prepared for class, so
just don’t show up in the first place. Unless it’s Well-
ness, in which case the professor should be grateful
that you were only 15 minutes late.
17) Don’t live in Mary Hay or Peyton unless you
are gay or a fat chick.
18) SMU strives to make sure that every student,
regardless of their socioeconomic background, feels
welcome and equal while at SMU. Study Abroad is a
good way for rich kids to get away from the riff raff
for a semester or two.
19) If you find a glory hole on campus, please
email us at themuddler.smu@gmail.com

2 The Muddler
 MOM Meetings Try to WOW Students “4 Nails”
But Only Create Hot Tub Orgies continued
SMU-- At the most recent MOMs rest of their lives. Also, SMU has been acting
meeting, the speaker’s Power- like a bunch of little girls at a Jus-
Point typo inspired members of Fact: New students will do any- tin Bieber concert since the latest
chartered student organizations thing to feel accepted by the national school rankings came
to party fucking hard. group. out last year. Do you really think
a bunch of people saying “I don’t
“A misinterpretation 2. Hot Tubs: understand simple science.” is go-
might have been exactly what Fact: Drinking in a hot tub dra- ing to help SMU continue to gain
SMU students have needed in or- matically increases the rate of national respect?
der to regain our place as a party intoxication.
school dynasty,” attendee of You know something is
MOMs meeting and SMU student Fact: Being alone with an at- horribly horribly wrong with this
Williamson Scraff commented tractive other can lead to sexual event when SMU professors
after. tension and decisions are more disappointed in this
you both might regret on-campus “educational” event
“The pre- later. than they are in what happens at
sentation was full fraternity costume parties. Be-
of great ideas for 3. Mixing substances ing ignorant about the scientific
taking my stu- and substance abuse: theory of evolution is now more
dent organization Fact: You might not embarrassing to SMU than girls
party on Friday remember last night puking in the middle of Greenville
to a whole other when you wake up. Ave and guys teabagging each
level. Who cares other at 3AM in the morning.
what’s legal? Fact: When mixing
It’s going to be prescribed medication As for PULSE, obviously
the shit!” added with alcohol, some every organization has the right
Jameson Tuft, students have report- to be at SMU. God only knows
SMU senior. ed overwhelming feel- how the obstacles the Muddler
ings of confidence, has overcome to keep on keep-
We assume If you are lucky, the Hot Tub Time euphoria, and hal- ing. (Can we get an Amen?) How-
the real message Machine will take you to a time lucinations followed
when MOM meetings didn’t ever, it is time to chose whether
was supposed to by extreme hunger to be a contributing member of
exist.
be “The Don’ts of and an uncontrol- the SMU community, or just to
Parties: Cold Hard lable desire to order everything stake permanent residency in
Facts.” Below is a copy of the ac- on the menu at Whataburger. Crazy Town. Its really your choice.
tual PowerPoint seen by students
who attended the meeting: Fact: Some students will report We will end on a more
of enjoying reading the Daily positive note: we did eventually
The Do’s of Parties : Cold Hard Campus. find the porno with Reynolds and
Facts Darwin. The film was very ap-
While The Muddler does propriately named “Idiots Spew
1. Hazing: not condone these activities, we Out Lies in an Attempt to Confuse
Fact: A new student will carry certainly do participate in them. Uneducated Young Adults”.
the memory of this event for the By Adam Ingram
September 2010 3
 A Very Muddler Reflection
SMU - Well, we are two months
into school. Isn’t it spiffy? We
thought we’d ask around the
campus to see how everyone en-
joyed their first months. Then we
realized no one gives
a crap what other
students think. So we
at The Muddler will
re-imagine SMU and
present to you: What
TV characters (our
actual friends) would
say about their first
theoretical month at
SMU.
Rachel Berry, Glee
- JUST A SMALL Let him stare into your soul.
TOWN GIRL (wha),
LIVING IN A LONELY
WORLD (whoo), TOOK THE MID-
NIGHT TRAIN GOING ANYWHERE
(SHAAAAA)!!!
No, but seriously, I’ve never done ties are rushing me, but I feel like
anything original, so I have to
go before the honor council for
plagiarism.
Don Draper, Mad Men - I was
walking around campus one hot a HELICOPTER? Hello? Bus par-
August evening. It reminded me ties? Gross. Lastly, Chuy’s? I mean,
of... But that part of my past really? Maybe for peasants or the
doesn’t matter. I saw a woman middle class, but not for Upper
in what appeared to be her dress East Siders.
from last night,
and I thought... she Dexter Morgan, Dexter - The past
probably wasn’t two years have been produc-
very clean. Women tive. The code that Lori White
want to feel new. taught me has served me well.
To feel good. But KA. KA-put. Lambda Chi. Taught
they also want to a lesson. I expect to make many
realize this when more friends this rush season,
they are blackout and remember IFC, Lori and I are
drunk. Gentlemen, waiting for our play dates...
I present to you
cleanliness-checking This Man - Would you fuck me? I’d
glow-in-the-dark fuck me.
tampons: If the
stick is glowing, you
know bacteria ain’t
growing.
Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl - SMU is
disgusting. I mean, all the sorori-
I am honestly just too good for
them. I’m a Waldorf, and have
they met Chuck Bass? Do they
know that Mercedes mean noth- Have you seen This Man?
ing to a girl who dates a man with

Meadows to Offer Class in Living With Parents

SMU - The Meadows School of
the Arts will be offering a new,
exciting course in Spring 2010:
Living With Parents After Gradua-
tion. Designed to prepare art ma-
jors for life after graduation, the
course will explore many facets
of living at home. The first half of
the semester will be devoted to
formulating excuses. Students
will devote two weeks to coming
up with excuses for questions
from lonely mothers, such as
“Why were you out so late?” and
“Why don’t you ever bring girls
home?”
Further course work en-
tails day-long marathons of Law
and Order and Ramen, and wear-
ing the same sweatpants for
weeks on end.
“I’m excited,” said a soph-
omore music major. “This course
will help me transition from my
life as a free adult to my future
as a man tied to my mother, still
hoping to get my big break.”

4 The Muddler
UMPH Fools Students Into Thinking SMU Pioneers
It Has A Quality, Variable Menu Fashion Craze
SMU - SMU’s cafeteria, Umpherey holds up the line because his ID SMU = “Fashion and sex appeal
Lee, has successfully tricked card doesn’t swipe. “It’s only no longer go hand in hand,”
freshmen into thinking its menu a matter of time before these claims fashion guru and profes-
is full of quality and variable food kids are lining up like pigs to the sional bitch Tyra Banks. “And it’s
items. “What a deal!” one naïve trough,” one expert said. all thanks to SMU!”
student exclaimed, “This general
chicken is amazing, and to think Past classes During a recent trip to
I had to have shown Dallas to scout for talent for yet
choose similar another cycle of America’s Next
between results that Top Model, Banks visited SMU’s
perfect correlated campus and was shocked by what
omelets, with in- she saw.
scrump- creased vis-
tulescent its to Steak “These girls are fear-
ham- & Shake, less,” said Tyra Banks. “They
burgers, Jimmy parade around campus in these
awesome John’s, and shorts too small to be used as a
pizza, and Campisi’s baby blanket. There’s no sense
freshly as the year of modesty here.” Added an
cooked amazed Banks as she sucked the
stir fry. What a UMPH presents its new Tuesday progresses. Within
Dinner special in the the cafeteria itself, soul out of a young child that
selection!” Home Cooking section. students can be dared make eye contact, “And
expected to fall what’s most important, these
This student, back on safer option such as the girls don’t care that the people
along with thousands of other mediocre (but consistent) pizza walking behind them can see the
short-sighted pupils, however, to avoid the wait in the “Home puckers in their skin. They don’t
lacked the foresight to acknowl- Cooking” section... whatever that care that when they sit down,
edge the eventual redundancy means. their legs turn into a piece of
and lowered quality of the caf- Swiss cheese. They’re fearless.
eteria after the first two weeks When informed of Fearless. Absolutely fierce.”
of class. Experts believe these Umpherey Lee’s eventual medioc-
same students will soon be lining rity, one freshman replied, “Well Said Banks before she
up with less enthusiasm over time there’s always Mac’s Place.” stepped into her limousine cur-
and begin to resent that guy who rently driven by His Lord Satan
himself, “Being a model shouldn’t
Filler be about being sexy. Being a
We didn’t have anything to go here model should be about being
and we are really new to edit- comfortable. I think every super-
ing. Why else do you think we are model can take a lesson from the
releasing the September issue of girls at SMU, who obviously don’t
The Muddler in October? Enjoy this dress for sex appeal. Maybe the
picture of Giada De Laurentiis new faces of fashion have legs
(, Thane). that resemble the craters in the
moon.”
September 2010 5
No One Expects Roommates to Last
More Than a Week
SMU - Just one day into the new
school year and analysts were
already predicting the biggest
roommate busts throughout
campus. Analysts predicted that
controversy was bound to result
from the pairing of James Wilk-
erson and Vincent Henderson.
Gratuitous Facebook-stalking
by Roommate Relations special-
ist Stephen White revealed that
these two individuals couldn’t be
more opposite.
According to White, “Wilk-
erson’s Facebook page reveals a
love for Dan Brown novels, hope-
lessly bad action movies featuring
Shia LaBeouf, and a baffling love
for the contradictory music genre
of punk-pop. On the other hand,
Henderson’s hobbies include
bragging about that one time he
Freshman Surprised His Fakeness
is Going Unnoticed by Fraternity
SMU - Amidst the chaos of the
first months of parties and the
lobbying by freshmen to get their
favorite fraternities to like them,
freshman Keith Hanson couldn’t
believe that his fake enthusiasm
was going unnoticed .
“This is absolutely ridicu-
lous,” said Hanson. “I’m utterly
amazed. How is it possible that
the fraternity members haven’t
noticed my fake smile or my
I’m-not-sure-what’s-so-funny-but-
everyone’s-laughing-so-I-better-
laugh-too laugh?” Throughout
6 The Muddler
got alcohol poisoning, bragging
about that one time he went to
the hospital after getting alcohol
poisoning, and bragging about
that one time he got alcohol
poisoning after he went to the
hospital after getting alcohol poi-
soning.”
Currently, odds for this
relationship lasting no more than
the semester are at 3-1. The odds
that Wilkerson tries using passive
aggressive tactics to get Hender-
son to clean up after himself are
similarly high (6-1) as are the odds
that the roommates will pretend
to like each other (2-1).
More likely than not, they
will pledge the same fraternity
and end up pretending to be
friends.
the night Hanson could be seen
asking active members questions
such as, “So how long have you
been a brother?” and trying des-
perately to act genuinely inter-
ested in the answers.
Even more surprising to
Hanson was the fraternity mem-
bers’ enthusiasm to see him at a
later date. “They invited me to
lunch on Sunday. This is going to
be great! I was worried that they
would only take interest in peo-
ple that legitimately care about
getting into a frat.”
Top 10 Reasons to
Write for The Muddler:
1) Muddler writers get more ac-
tion than Dayly Campus writers.
2) It makes people finally like you
for a day.
3) Learn Spell Check.
4) No nagging editorial over-
sight.
5) Free student tickets to foot-
ball games.
6) Muddler writers demonstrate
a brand of journalistic integrity
not found in other SMU publica-
tions.
7) Warm, fuzzy feeling inside -
We go out for chocolate molten
lava cakes A LOT.
8) The Dayly Campus writes
about “penetration with a finger”
in their front page articles. The
Muddler delivers on that promise.
9) We participate in open slam -
poetry slam gang wars. Fight with
words, not your fists, yo.
10) For legal reasons, we can’t
say we haze, but...
“A poem begins in delight and
ends in pain.” - Robert Frost at
the 1952 Open Slam
If interested (in pledging), contact
‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com’.
 A Muddler Article FROM THE FUTURE:
College ACB Shuts Down - Students Riot
THE FUTURE - Since the closing
of SMU’s most trusted internet
resource (CollegeACB.com),
students have reacted with tears,
shouts to respective deities, and
full-force rioting on the beautiful,
green boulevard. Not knowing
how they will be able to anony-
mously talk about how great
they are, or slam people they
don’t know but know they don’t
like, the youth of SMU has been
forced to resort to more creative
methods of opinionated expres-
sion.
Since the respectable
web page’s termination, strange
instances have been regularly re-
ported. Anonymous messages in
bottles left randomly throughout
campus have been found with
conflicting lists of sororities and
fraternities ranked in various or-
ders, and a surprisingly accurate
comparison of fraternities and
the beers to represent them. But
then again, under-aged drinking
is bad and you don’t need alcohol
to have a good time, right? Right?
In a future with no College ACB,
students will rip out their faces in Finally, the once clean
protest, and then stand around sidewalks in front of Dallas Hall
like models.
SAMSA, however, has
profited from a sudden increase
in orders for picket posters, the
only signs allowed on the bou-
levard. They’ve been busy mak-
ing promotions for “the best” in
every physical category imagin-
able from best asses, hottest
neck, and “easy” accounting
teachers (oh yes, we know what
you meant). One informational
poster includes the beginnings of
“Top ten Big Dick’s on Campus,”
which is not only informative, but
also grammatically correct. One
scholar commented, “Not many
people know this, but when a
penis gets that large it becomes
possessive and needs to be capi-
talized.”
have been defaced in an act of
villainous pastel graffiti. The
culprits inscribed topic starters
like “It such a nice day!”, “ZAC
EFRON”, and “Twilight in Forks?”
but ultimately no one cared.
By Caroline Langley

Giddy Up’s Late-Night Transportation Monopoly Send

Ingenious Freshmen Out to Diversify Field
SMU - “Giddy Up’s monopoly on
late-night transportation has got
to stop,” claims freshman Stanley
Smith. Smith explained he came
up with his service when learn-
ing about supply and demand
in his economics class. “Instead
of stock, I thought of livestock,
freshman livestock and their well
being, and my ability to exploit
them.”
After getting to the intra-
mural fields from a bus party and
then having to wait for Giddy Up,
he decided to take matters into
his own hands. Now, Smith gra-
ciously escorts any female back
to his dorm in a golf cart he stole
from his dad’s law firm. Smith
stays in a luxious dorm room
which includes such amendies as
a couch, a TV, and multiple movie
posters, including Fight Club.
Thought of by many as
Resident of the Year, Smith
claims, “I’m just a student helping
out my fellow Mustangs. You’re
welcome, SMU”. Smith’s room-
mate, Pennington Brown was
unsure of this situation at first but
now says, “It has been beneficial
for me as well the rest of the hall.
Thanks, Stan!”
RAs in Boaz say that
sometimes an entire floor of girls
will go missing, only to return the
next day from Smith’s floor in
McElvaney.
By Elizabeth White

September 2010 7
 Class of 2014 Continues Fine Rap Lyric of
Tradition of Bitching the Month:
I’ll fucking tie you to a fucking bedpost
SMU - On August 23, SMU stu- custodian from Hughes Trigg. with your ass cheeks spread out and
dents of the class of 2014 officially “Those kids just would not stop shit...
began their transition from one bitching. But the class of 2014 Put a hanger on a fucking stove and let
sheltered, cushioned environ- blows them out of the water.” that shit sit there
for like a half hour
ment into the other. While many Take it off and stick it in your ass slow
students have “At first it like
spent their free was the usual, Tssssssss
time making ‘My professor Yeah, I’ll fucking
friends and de- is too hard, my Yeah I’ll fucking lay your nuts on a fuck-
ing dresser
veloping time professor is too Just your nuts laying on a fucking
management boring, my pro- dresser
skills, most new fessor doesn’t And bang them shits with a spiked
Mustangs have let us out early, fucking bat
already gone I barely have
time to get to Method Man
above and be-
By: Wu Tang Clan
yond in keeping Everyone will look like this by class, I get poor
with SMU’s finest Spring Semster. cell phone signal in the impressive accomplishments
tradition: bitching. the classrooms...’” of 2014. “I’m really impressed,”
said an Umphrey Lee employee. he said. “For the past few years,
RAs, professors, and the She brushed a tear from her eye. each incoming class at SMU has
many hands that make up the “Soon they’ll be bitching about grown in size, academic merit,
custodial staff have already re- the food here. It’s so touching to and bitching ability.” Added Turn-
ported record amounts of bitch- see the dedication these students er as he reviewed blueprints for
ing just within the first month of have with keeping SMU’s finest another fountain, “All this bitch-
school alone. tradition.” ing just proves that SMU students
are doing what it takes to further
“We were impressed with Even President Turner our legacy.”
the class of 2013,” admitted a himself decided to weigh in on
The Muddler is an independent satirical news-
paper. The opinions expressed herewith are
those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
The Muddler Staff orative effort and are occasionally edited (but
David de la Fuente rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we
Sarah Miller have plenty of creative people to make up for
it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a
Morgan Schlesinger
good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes
no liability for any injuries you incur while
reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome
letters to the editors but only if they’re in the
spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.
8 The Muddler