William O.

Eisele

WR122

Paper #4

10 Things she hates about me.

First things first: This essay was written to serve as a what not to do advice that will, it’s hoped,

keep from getting deep in the fryer with your significant other. Please, don’t read too much into

the title. In no way does it mean that my wife hates me because of the Martial Arts. Hell, I’m still

on my second wife and as far as I know she has nothing against the Martial Arts. Maybe that’s

because of the lessons I learned while unknowingly “experimenting” with a few of the behaviors

listed below. …

Watch every MMA event on the big screen in the living room, which is exstremely often

with pay per view fights and Spike T.V. Make a big to-do out of them and invite your friends

over. It’s okay if your wife doesn’t know who they are. She’ll still enjoy cooking for everybody.

Practice techniques on your wife—even when she is in the mood for something different

—because it’s fun to show her how easily you can make her tap.

Teach your son how to break boards in the living room. Don’t worry about the splinters

that imbed themselves in the carpet; the vacuum should suck them out.

Constantly ask your wife what she would do if she were attacked. When her proposed

plan of action isn’t enough, nag her to start carrying a knife or pepper spray. Or take lessons

from you.
 Go to the karate school on her birthday, your anniversary, Valentine’s Day and so on.

After all, you’ll be gone for only two hours, and those special days last twenty four.

Make sure every item on your Christmas list is ninja gear. The more exotic the better..

throwing stars, climbing claws, blow guns and so on.

Wear your gi (karate uniform), don’t forget the karate kid headband, to every Halloween

party you go to as a couple. If she says the look is getting old, offer to change from a Japanese

uniform to a Okinawan karate uniform.

Load up your Netflix queue with obscure Shaw Brothers flicks—you know, like the one

in which the Chinese dude with one arm trains his whole life to fight the Chinese dude with one

leg.

Just before you sit down for dinner, tell your wife that you cant eat the meal she just

prepared because [“insert the nationality that created your art”] don’t eat that. For example: your

wife makes a nice pasta dish. You respond: “Sorry, dear, but my Kempo instructor doesn’t eat

pasta. He says rice is the only good source of carbs. Remember how Chuin, the Korean master in

Remo Williams, said rice was nature’s perfect food?”

While she is dropping her dirty dishes into the sink, feel free to flick roundhouse kicks at

he back of her head. The closer, the better. If she turns around and gets accidently bashed--- oh,

well. She will only do it once.

Which is the number of times you’ll be making a return trip to the alter, in all likelihood.