Marriage: What’s it The state of our unions is shifting in unexpected ways. A Time/Pew special report shows how income, age and experience alter our chances of wedded bliss BY BELINDA LUSCOMBE tury, in 198t, celebrated amar riage that turned out to be a hhuge bust. It ended as badly asa relationship can: scandal, divorce and, ultimately, death and world: wide weeping. So when the firstborn son of that union, Britain’s Prince William, set in motion the wedding of this century by getting engaged to Catherine Middleton, hedid thingsallittledifferently. He picked someone older than he i (by sixmonths), who went to the same university he did and whom hed dated for a long time. Al- though sheisnot ofroyal blood, shestands ‘to become the first English Queen with a university degree, so in one fundamental ‘way, theirsisa union ofequals.In thatre- gard, the new couple reflect the changes in the shape and nature of marriage that have been rippling throughout the West em world for the past few decades In fact, statistically speaking, a young ‘man of William’s age—-if not his royal English heritage—might be just as likely not to get married, yet. In 1960, the year before Princess Diana, Williams mother, ‘was bor, nearly 70% of American adults ‘were married; now only about half are. Bight times as many children are born out of wedlock. Back then, two-thirds ofGood For? 20-somethings were married: in 2008 just ao were, And college graduates are now farmore likely so mary (6) than those ‘with no higher education (48%) ‘When an institution so central tou rman experience suddenly changes shape in the space of a generation or two, i's ‘worth trying to figure out why. This fall ‘the Pew Research Center, in association ‘with Tiss, conducted a nationwide poll exploring the contours of madera mar riage and the new American family, pos ing questions about what people want and expect out of marriage and family life, why they enter into committed rela ‘ionshipsand what they gain from them, ‘WhatWeroundis that marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as nec essary a5 It used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success oF respect or even children—yet marriage remains revered and desired ‘Andfall the transformations ourfam- ily structures have undergone in the past 50 years, perhaps the mest profound is ‘the marrage differential that has opened between the rich and the poot. In x96 the median household income of married adults was 22% higher than that of single adults, after adjusting for household size, By 2ooBthisgaphadgrownto 41%. Inotber ‘words, the richer and more educated you are, the morelikely you are to marry, or 10 be married—or, conversely, if you're mar. ted, you're more likely tobe well off The question of why the wealth dispar fay berweon the married and the wnmar ‘ied has grown so much istelated to other, broader issues about marriage: whom ft best serves, how it relates to parenting and family life and how its voluntary nature changes soialstructures, The Marrying Kind 1N 1978, WHEN Ta DIVORCE RATE WAS much higher than itis today, a Time poll asked Americansifthey thoughtmarriage Photograph by Horacio Salas for TIMEwas becoming obsolete. Twenty-eight percent did. Since then, we'vewatched that famous royal marriage and the arrival of Divorce ‘Court. We'vetuned into Family Ties (aucle arfamily with threekids) and Modern Bamn- ily (ouclear family with three kids, plus gay uncles with an adopted Vietnamese baby and a grandfather witha Colombian second wile and dorky stepchild) We've spent time with Willand Grace,who ick credlikespousesbutweren’, andwith the starsof Newlyweds NGk6 festea who were spouses, bickered and then weren't any- ‘more. We'veseen some politcal marriages survive unexpectedly (Bill and Hillary (Clinton) and others unpredictably falter (Aland Tipper Gore), Weve sen these ofa sso billion-pius ‘wedding industry, flames fanned by dating sites, and reality shows playing the soul- ‘mate game—alongside the rise of the pre- ‘up the postaupand,mostrecently, divorce insurance. Wecareaboutmarziagesomuch that one ofthe fiercest political and legal fights in years is being waged over whom, ‘thestate permitstogetmarred: We'veseen. former head of states child (Chelsea Clin ton) marry after living with her boyfriend and potential head of state's child (Bristol Palin) haveachild before leaving home. So,as we circle Back around to witness another royal engagement, where are We fon the marriage question? Less wedded to it. The Pew survey reveals that nearly 40% of us think marriage is obsolete, This doesn’ mean, though, that were pessimis- ticabout the future ofthe American fam- ily; we have more faith inthe family than. ‘we do inthe nation’s education system or itseconomy: Were just moreflexibleabout ‘how family gets defined. Even more surprising: overwhelm. ingly, Americans stll venerate marriage enough to want to tryit- About 70% of us havebeen marriedat lastonce, according tothe 2010Census,The Pew pollfaundthat although 44% of Americans under 30 be lieve marriage is heading for extinction, only $3 of those in that age group do not ‘want o get married Sociologists note that Americans have a rte of marriage—and of remarriage—among the highest in the ‘Western world. (In between isa divorce in the European Union) We spill copi- ‘ous amounts of ink and spend copious amounts of money being anxious about ‘marriage, both collectively and individu. 50 ally. We view the state of ourfamiliesasa symbol ofthe state of our nation, and we {eat marriage asa personal project, some ‘hing we work at and try to perfec. "Get ting married isa way to show family and iends that youhaveasuccessfal personal life” says Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University and the author ‘of The Marriage Go Round The Stat of Mar age and the Family in America Tada. “1's Tike theultimate meritbadge” ‘But marriage is no langer obligatory ‘or even—in certain cases—helpful, then ‘whatisitfor'simpossibletoaddress that uestion without fistanswering another: Whois marriage for? The New Marriage Gap TO BEGIN TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION, 1r right be useful to tae look atthe brief Dut illustrative marriage of golfer Greg Norman and tennis star Chris Evert, ‘who married in june 2008 and divorced 435 months later. From all reports, their union had many ofthe classi hallmarks of modem partnerships, The bride and ‘groom had roughly equal sucess in their Careers. Being wealthy, sporty and blond, ‘they had similar interests. She was older than he, and they'd had other relation- ships before, held had two previous spouses and he one) Plus, they known, each other a while since Evert's newly ‘minted exhushand, Andy Mill, was Nor ‘manis bestfriend. "Apart from the interest the union gen. crated in the tabloids, this istypical ofthe ‘way many marriages start. Modern brides and grooms tend to be older and more similar. In particular, Americans are in creasingly marrying people who are on the same Socioeconomic and educational level. Fifty years ago, doctors commonly proposed to nurses and businessmen 10 ‘Getting married is a way to show family and friends that you have a successful personal life. It’s like the ultimate merit badge.’ their secretaries. Even 25 years ago, a pro- fessional golfer might matey, say, a fight atindant Now doctorstendto cleaveunto ‘other doctors, and executives hope 1 be partofapower couple. “The change is mostly = numbers game, Since more Women than men have grad ated from college for several decades, t's ‘more likely than it used tobe that a male college graduate will meet, fall in love with, wedandsharethesalary ofa woman. with a degeee. Women's advances in ed cation haveroughy paralleled the growth, tf the knowledge economy, so the slic of the family bacon she brings home will be substantial ‘Women’srisingearningpower doesn't affect simply who cooks that bacon, al though the reapportioning of household Inborssasignificantissueand means mar- ried people need deft negotiation skill ‘Wellaff women don't need to stay ina ‘marriage that doesnt make them happy: ‘tworthirds of al divorces its estimated, are initiated by wives. And not just the Sandra Bullock types who have been ‘reatedshabbilyand havemanyatherfsh ‘on their line but also Tippee Gore types ‘whose kids haveleft home and who don't necessarily expect to remarry but are putting on theie walking boots anyway ‘Thechangescan beseen in moresubtle waystoo, New York Univesitysocologist Dalton Conley notes that between 1986 and 2003, the most recent year for which Figures ave availabe, the proportion of ‘marriages in which the woman was tall: erthan the man increased by more than. 10% “In absolute terms, its tila small ‘minority of marriages” he says, “But 1 think the endsignalsanincredibleshift in marital and gender norms. There has also been a sharp uptick in the percent: ‘ageofmartiagesinwhich the wie solder, ‘Signifying, Conley beliovesawholedifer ‘entunderstanding oftherolesofmen and ‘women in the union ‘Despite the complications that have en sued from this marta restructuring iS natlikelytobeunone. Inthe 978pallew- erthanhalfofallzespondentsthought that thebest kind of mariage wasonein which both the husbandand the wifeworkedout- side ive home. Inthe new Pew poll, 63% do. Pethaps chats not surprising given these parallel data in 970, 40% of Wives worked Outside thehome, Now 61% do. So fundamental isthe shift that it be- ginning to havean impact on what peopleTIME / Pew Research Center Poll. 4 nation weighs in on the ideals, expectations and realities of contemporary marriage Do you think itis easier to... Is marriage becoming ror Ear Bees, engepere area Peps mosis AS eo = 62% 11% EST 35% 5% BEN 20% Do you want to get married? Pecos cf armies poole who elses 2Q@es = es : = >a a uma aa. aa ee ey ase 41% Pas ‘ALL oROOS a : 39% i 36% — 2 32% yeti raed Eoeectescarcotite 31% pores ae 43% 20% ‘Mustations by Peter Arle for TREook for in spouses. While two thirds of all people think a man should be a good prosider, more men than wemendo, Mean- While alimosta third people thinkit’sim- ‘portant fora wife tobea good provider oo. ‘Onthefaceof it, thismight explain why {ewerpeopleare married. They wanttofin {sh college ist. In 2010 the median age of ‘men getting hitched for the frst time is 282, and for women its 26x. I's gone up bouta year every decadesincethe'6os But here's the rub. In the past two decades, people with only a high schoo! education started to get married even Jater than college graduates. In r9g0more high-school educated couplesthancollege traduates had made it to the altar by ge 30.By2007 it was the other way around. ‘What has brought about the switch? les not any disparity in desire. According tothePewsurvey, «6% of college graduates ‘want to get marsied, and 448% ofthe less educated do. “Fifty years agp if you were high schoal dropout (rif you were aco: lege graduate ora doctor marrage probably ‘meant more or less the same thing,” says Conley. “Now its very different depending here you are in society.” Getting marred isan important part of college graduates plans for their future. For the less well educated, he says is often the only plan. Promising publicly to be someone's partner for life used vo be something people did to lay the foundation of their independent life was the demarcation ‘ofadulthood, Now t'smore of finishing ‘ouch, the ast riekin the edifice, sacolo aistsbelieve.“Marriageis the capstonefor both thecollege educated and he less well educated,” says johns Hopkins’ Cherlin, “The college educated wait until they're nished with theireducationand their ea reersare launched, The ess educated wait until they feel comfortable financially” But that comfort keeps getting more elusive. "The loss of decent paying jobs ‘that ahigh-schoo! educated man or wom. aan could get makes it difficult for them ‘togetand stay married" says Cherlin. As the knowledge economy has overtaken the manufacturing economy, couples in which both partners ob opportunitiesare Aisappearingare doubly disadvantaged. So they wait to get married. But they don't -waitto set pphouse ‘All this might explain why there was «213% increase n couples living together from 2009 to 2010. Census researchers ‘were so surprised at the jump that they double-checked their data, Eventually they attributed the sharp increase to the recession: these newly formed couples ‘were les likely tohavejobs. So, people are living together because theydonthave enough money olivealone, but they arent going to get married until they have enough money. That's the catch. Infact, the es education and income peo. ple have, the Few survey found the more ‘ikely they are to say that to be ready for ‘marriage, aspouse needs to bea provider. Cohabitation is on the rise not just ‘because ofthe economy. Its so common: place these days that less than half the country thinks living together isa bad ‘des. Couples whomoveln together before ‘Amarriage gap and a socioeconomic gap have been growing side by side for the past half- century, and each may be feeding off the other.’ Srins/rew stumy ‘marrying don’ divorce any less often, say stacies although that mightchangeasthe practice becomes morewilesread Inany {ase,academicanalysisdoesntseemato be ascompellingtomostpeopleastheexam. Dlesetby Angelina Joie and Bad Pitt Or splitting herent. ‘ut colabitation among the econom cally blesedisa whole ferent tall game than itis among the strugling for most college educated couples, tivingogetheris likea warmuprunbeforethemartal mar athon. They work out afew ofthe kinks 5nd do abit of house taining and events allygetmazredand have kids Those with Out a college degree says Chedi, tend 10 doit the other way around—move in to {ether have kids and then aim forthe a. {ar Andhildren,asBestl Palin and Levi Johoston discovered change everything The Kids May Not Be All Right {ween what Americans believe to be the Dest thing for society and what actually hhappensthanin hebearing and vaising of chile. alforenoreoftherspondensin ‘heFexpolsaythatmarialstatsisiee- vantioaehiering respect happiness career foals, fancial security or fulilting sex fe When tcomestorasing is, thogh, its a landslide, with more than three quarters saying she done marred. Yet very few people say children are themost important reason ge itched. Inded 1 Svorbabies nerebornoxnmar ried mms in 008, ghd increase fromsoyearsogo and35% eis ivedina single parenthonne almost iplethenar- berfrom ogo, Contrary tothe stcreotype, sttaros ot hat most ofthe infants horn totenmaeried mothers ate notte prauct of eaveal sexual encounters. One of the ‘mostextesiectabaseson skids the Fragile Faies nd Child Welling Study joint project of Princeton ane Columbia “universities, which has been following $00 chilien from birth to age, found thatmore than half mmarreg pr {ntswerelivingtogetherst etme their hild as horn and 30% of them were romantically involved (bat ving apart ‘Most of those umwved mothers sald {heir chances of mareying the Babys {her were sot or greater, tater Ave $year omly 16% ofthem had done so and nly about 20% ofthe couples were tl Eohabiting, This did't mean thatthe childcen did't lve with = man, how ‘ver sinceabouts quarterofthelrimoms ‘rerenow lvingwithormarieétoaney partner That doesnt alvaysworkoutas Wella it seems so i Norm Fy oF hie 6 Fork Ofsprng from eal Intonshipsput pressureannew ones Por the east wealthy children, Mom's new boyfriend olen mesns thei biological fathers ess ely tvs sr es ke Jy to support thefr mother Many step ‘tenis are wonderful and commited, bata series of live sn lovers is nota all thesame thing “About 5 of American shilrenwillse atleast twolive in part. netsoftheirmothersy the time theyre TP saysCherlin. “And national 6 willsee hee or more ‘Would marrage ely top the convey ox elt of parent figures? "Marriages stil the way Americans tend odo longterm, Stale partnershipa” says Chenin. "We ‘have the shores eobaitng reitionships of any wealthy country inthe world. a Some Fropean cures, we see couples ‘who live together for decades” To this dy, only SsofAmericnchilérenhavepaents 3Fewer U.S. adults are married... “gy Moro wives are werking a ‘Sie of tne average hovshold fr snaking hhh 33 oft 2.6 pees ey ala 23% . ats gp 20a ode aaa 14% coming and more kids are born to unmarried women 78 imernenonl oy comparison sar om 22% 53% * 2s ket I wom A 48% om ee Tey an Sten By 29% Petcntags of hdr % I with mara parents Sars 87% 64% who live together without being martied, Cohabitation seems to have no nega. tive effect on a marriage’s chances if its preceded by an engagement, no previous livein lovers and no children. Who has the clout to put those conditions into place? Women with their own means of support and guys who don't need a ‘woman to look after them: the wealthy and well educated. The others often are left in limbo not able to get married and not able to move on “Ironically, the ‘very people who would benefit from a committed marriage the most are the people who have the toughest time lo- tating reliable long term partners; says Stephanie Coontz, a marriage historian. ‘who teaches at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash, ‘TheD Word life isa different experience forthose with college education and those without one, Professional occupations are much more likely tooffer provisions forparentalleave, ‘heabilty to work from home and flexible ‘hours. Wealthy people can outsource the ‘more onerous or dreary or time sucking tasks that couples fight over. And the college educated tend to have picked up ‘more conflict zesolution and negotiation slaills along the way. Their marriage sin ulated fromsome othe stresses of alan ‘ng work and amily A sickehild throwsa zmuch bigger weench into the machinery ofa factory orretal orservice worker’ life. ‘In recent years, the overall rate of di voree has plateaued somewhat, and lev. ing a spouse is on the dectine among college graduates. But that drop is being offset by ariseinsplitsamong thoseat the lowerendofthesocioeconomicspectrum, the people least able to afford to divorce, so the rate stil high. Says Cheslin:“One statisicIsaw when writing my book that ‘gored me was that achildliving together with unmarried parents in Sweden has a lower chance that his family will disrupt than docsa child living with martied par_ entsintheUS” seems thatthe 2sstcentury marriage, ‘with its emphasis on a match of equals, has brought about a surge in inequality, WS easier for the colleye-educated, with ‘their dominance ofthe knowledge econ- ‘omy, to get married and stay married, ‘The less well off delay marziage because their circumstances feel so tenuous,then often have kids, which makes mar ying even harder. “A marriage gap and a socioeconomic gap have been growing side by side forthe past half century," the Pew study's author’ note, “and each may be feeding off the other” But because its uunclear whether the burdens of poverty are making people’ relationships less permanent or people’ impermanent re lationships are worsening their poverty, ‘thesolution isnot obvious, What to De About! Do drat: nowhecoming morelike West Poin, sxmitting only the elite and sending the ‘othersoffto the front line? Depends whom youask."Thebasisofmarrage changedin 56 thelast century says Seth Eisenberg, pres ‘dent and CEO of the PAIRS Foundation, ‘one of the biggest relationship education ‘operations in the country. “But very few couples have had a chance to lear really what ate the new rules of love and Jntimacy—not because the rules are so difficult to learn just because no one told them. Tointerpretthatas meaningthere's something broken about the institution of marriage itself wouldbeahorzible, hor ible mistake Marriage educators’ solution is to bolster marriage, to teach people how to better communicate with their spouses. While they believe their techniques could work with any couple, they'e big advocates of the legal union, Marriage is like glue, says Bisenberg. You can build something withit-Livingtogetheris ike Velcro, “The commitment of marriage gives people the opportunity to grow and ‘thrivein waysthat otherrelationshipsdo nol” he says Ei Sociologists tend obelievetheanswers lie outside marriage. Coonte thinks that iff we changed our assumptions about al ‘etnative family arrangements and our respect for them, people would be more responsible about them. "We haven't raised our expectations of how unmar ed parents will react to each other. We haven't raised our expectations of divorce ‘orsinglehood," she says. "Ir should not be that within marziage youoweeverything and without marriage you don't owe any thing. When weespectresponsiblebehay fo outsice as well as inside marriage, we actually reduce the temptation toevade or scape marriage” Asan exampl Fox reality show 7 which couples who were living together were invited to a desert island to see if they could be lured into cheating. “They found one couple was married, and with 2 great show af indignation, they threw ‘them off the sland.” says Coontz, “In my point of view,itsjustas immoral to break lup a committed cohabiting relationship asitisa marriage” Could living together become re: | spected and widespread enough that it challenged the favored-nation state of marriage? The American Law Institute thas recommended extending some ofthe rights spouses have to cohabiting part ners. But cohabitation has not yet proved to bea robust enough substitute for most |= Americans to believe they can build a familyonit. Andasa successful marriage inexeasingly becomes the relationship equivalent ofaluxury yacht—hardtoget, laborious to maintain but a better vessel to be.on when there ae storms at sea— its status is unlikely to drop. Asitstands, the way America marries is making the American Dream unreachable for many ofits people. Yet marriage is still the best |! avenue most peoplehaveformakingtheir |i Atreams come true Prince William govehisintended bride Diana’ engagement ring. He wanted his mother to have apart in the day, he sad, | And despitehow hisparents’martiagefal- | tered, notall the ld traditions of marriage are obsolete . "rate: Noveniberay, 2010