Pain In The Heart

Every day i sit here thinking about how i did wrong with her. every day i know that my
actions were at fault and im trying to make a change and put effort into it looking to the
future and daydreaming about what we could do together and every day i cry a little hurt
alot inside i have slept like 3 hrs in the last 5 days with no drugs a little coffee here and
there. and my chest hurts like hell 
its physical pain not just emotional when my eyes start to close my mind will go mach30 and
sleep will again stop for the day.
my hands and legs wont stop shaking and the headache feels like a sparkler in my
eyes.any yet with all this going on i cant get her out of my mind or heart?! i cant stop the
fears or the worry but when i go downstairs i have to remain calm and collected because
she asked me to. my family thinks im foolish and i think im acting stupid atleast thats what i
hear from up the stairs .
i hear the back talk about her and want to start yelling at them all. they always called me
heartless and my emotions were always in control im diabetic and the 3 hrs of sleep i got
the other day was interupted be a low blood sugar seizure first one in ages 
its like telling her not to defend her sister not ever going to happen 
i need to find a job and in this state i would get locked up for being on drugs or something 
my emotions werent in check they were learning how to surface i was learning from her. i
did the wrong things and said no one to many times and she's gone yet that longing and
hurt is boiling for my mistakes i do want to defend her i do want all of that in my life the
plans we had made and the thing we were going to do i can still see 
the walls around my heart were there to protect me ....why arn't they now and why cant i
turn it off i need to get away from here and continue to grow and learn but the one i really
needed i so far away all these i have been living a ........lie no one knew how bad i hurt
inside .she knew i hurt but talking about it didnt work it led to anger. god!! and i was never
angry at her for my lack of 
ability i was mad at me for not being able to talk and tell her how much i love her the first
time she said she loved me i almost burst into tears!? the first time i saw her i was awstruck.
when i woke up in her arms i felt amazing the walls started to fall 
and to my own family i have to remain calm and collected like always cant vent or talk about
it to them its pointless and i have tried how do you look on the bright side? how?how do you
turn of your mind ? no drugs i hate them anyway 
i did get drunk like 9 shots i was balling like a school girl not going to do that again sorry
shawn!
i dont need to kill my self my mind is going to do it for me my heart is just pushing it till its
done