its just a new thought once again from the core of my mind.

well i won't say its from the heart

because its just an illusion to say it from the heart because our mind makes us think all this..........

so i would just say even though these are my thoughts, one will surely find the image on the mirroe of
my post!!!!

sitting in this small room which has become a part of my daily life, i am staring at the one of the clocks
gifted to me. i wonder when you are all alone sitting and have nothing to do then those ticks of the
watch haunt you a lot. the room was all silent and my mind is still harassed by the small sound coming
from that small watch.

i just grab it and took out the cell because it makes me fill with fear. now its all silent but still my mind
has a lot of fears and pains. dont know why but there is still something annoying me.

then i notice that its the shine of the tubelight which is trying to illuminate my room and may be me.
but i just wanted to be totally alone for some time. so i switched off the light and searched for my bed
to give me some comfort and peace from the unknown and unexplainable thoughts which are endless.

but i wonder that didn't helped much because still there was something continuously harassing me
and it wasn't the kind of peace i wanted. it wasn't the kind of atmosphere which were able to keep me
calm. this time i wondered the reason is just "ME". the faint but yet louder sound of my breath and
the beats of my heart.

then a thought popped in my mind that i can assume to run away from time by stopping the watch, i
can run away from the light by keeping the switch off but can i still make this room a calm place for
me by in any way removing the noise of my breath and the beats of my heart??
i laughed at the same time i cried because i thought what were i thinking is the combination of a
possibility and its exactly opposite impossibility. i.e. "what i wanted was is to live and yet wanted to
be immune to everything".
i didn't had any clue that once again i started my own journey of thoughts and i am once again
coming back to same point where i started. it felt like it were a round path which were i trying to
travel to get away from my thoughts because i aimed to be calm and away from everything but this
darkness was rather as a catalyst in enhancing the crowd in my mind.

this darkness always carries me into yet another world where i am all alone blind and searching for
my path but can't see because of the darkness i created. it drags me into time which i assumed i can
control by keeping my watch away. its just a foolish attempt to think that the time is in our control by
doing such stupid things but still sometimes illusion helps you to get away from reality for a while at
least even though not for long.

this life is a bitch and you will think that you are about to win it and the same moment it will give you
something new hurdle to again try to win and i feel by the personal as well experiences of my friends
that one can never say with confidence that he or she has cracked this puzzle of life.

now i were in the flash back and there were a lot of things to smile for, a purpose and no fear of the
unexplainable because till then never had a moment to think about the shit which hasn't happened
but today when i have a lot of spare time then i am fearing of the things which i myself don't know
whether exist or not?

as we grow up the fear to survive increases and a lot of constraints block us from leaving the tension
of survival. i can guarantee one that everyone who is reading this or who felt this darkness has always
got a feeling to quit but stopped because of the constraints like family which is the foremost priority
and the biggest shackle in getting free from this life. and then like everyone we live, fight each day
with the tasks given to us and at last we rarely win and the next day we are ready for another unseen
blunt truth and task.

didn't knew that so much time has passed in the memory lane when i came to my sense for sometime.
i wondered where were i standing with the happy time and the lovely reasons to smile  and then
where the train of my thoughts dragged me that i happened to land at the last destination and option
i.e. "to quit".
i once again closed my eyes so that i could put my present fears aside and once again ride into the
word of my dreams and my memories. no matter although its an illusion but still we love to be in the
wonder world of our thoughts. i smiled in my dreams and tried to analyse how i used to look like with
the fears away, a big contradiction existed between the present me and the past me.
i felt a bit of pain in the heart and then moved my wagon to next station. so i landed into the day
when i felt that i am someone special and i too have a definite purpose to live and also i had few plans
to work for , the continuous planning for the happy future (happy which we always assume)that will
come and my life had its wings to fly higher.

don't know what happened but these fears had detached the wings of life from us and at once we are
on the surface of blunt sad truth of life that this world is always a battleground and we will everyday
fight with the same mammoth size life and hope that someday life would be a free flow passage of
river without any hurdles.

i just wish that  this river doesn't gets so free that it floods the dreams and memories of my life.

so i am back to where i started because the knock at the door made me come back into the real world
and leave the mirage but yet the calm oasis for me.

so its me once again left with the unexplainable and unknown fears to keep me interested enough in
the darkness i am carrying or rather say the darkness which is carrying me. i have a lot of questions
but i don't know what they are and not a single answer for those unknown yet haunting questions.

so i am leaving along with my companion "darkness" with questions for you and
a mirror of my post to search your part of life which you can't say in words!!!!