Friday, April 1, 2011

My meeting with supervisor (March 30)

Yesterday I went to the university to meet with Maria. I walked to her office, stood at the door.
She invited me in as she continued typing at her computer. As I went to sit down she remained
on the computer, little to no eye contact. A large wide window is next to the chair and students
walk back and forth. Before sitting down I quietly draw the blinds (which is what we do when
clients are in the room). As I do this she says:”Is there going to be crying?” spoken in her usual
gruff, authoritarian voice. I felt a shift within...that shift to powerlessness, feeling unsafe,
thinking (she figures she’s got me). I wanted to leave because I could. A stronger voice was
trying to assert itself telling me that if nothing else I need to let her know in what ways I am
feeling unsafe. In hindsight using immediacy and remaining curious as to why she would ask that
may have been a good starting place.

She asks me what’s up and has still not approached the table where I am sitting. Her avoiding me
didn’t fool me. Behind that tough exterior she was uncomfortable too. We were both about to
engage in difficult dialogue. I begin by stating that I came to address the tension between us and
I want to clear the air. She denies any tension, says she is perfectly fine, so it must be me who
has the problem. Implying very clearly, “what is your issue”.

I begin to explain that I am feeling uncomfortable around her and I want to talk about some
recent comments she has made to me during meetings with the team...”I can fail you you
know”. ...”then I’ll be rid of ya”...”come on then and we’ll do your ‘stupidvision”. I told her I
was hurt by all of these comments. She came back on the defensive...voice was rising, angry
tone, getting quite hyper-aroused. I was feeling more unsafe. I stand up and tell her that if we
cannot carry on this conversation more calmly I will leave and come back when she has calmed
down. She then got even angrier and said that she is frustrated and feeling accused...etc...she
basically was not accepting that I was wanting to leave (power). I understood what was
happening and let her rant some more...

I then quietly said:”When I came here today I knew I was taking a huge risk. You are in the
position of power and I am not. You could fail me. The academic piece in here is huge for me.
More than you will ever understand. However, I am here as a caring human being who cares
about you and this relationship. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be here. I could plough through the
next few weeks and be gone; most likely never to be seen again. But it is important to me to feel
safe in relationship with you and that is not how this feels”.

She then went on and on about how I am safe there and I am not in danger of failing and that I
am a damn good counsellor. (Hard for me to hear those words when her tone is angry, the
gruffness, the power was coming through.) After she ranted some more I quietly said through my
flood of tears...”you know you can tell me until you’re blue in the face that I am safe...but until I
feel it I won’t be safe!” (Made me realize how difficult it is for her to understand my
worldview...my subjective experiences)...as I told you a few months ago, in my attempt to relate
to her my understanding of trauma experiences, until I calm the emotion I cannot think clearly
and function as I should.
The more Maria rationalizes and tries to talk me in and out of stuff the less safe I feel; the more I
retreat into my own frightened inner world...maybe that is the struggle between us...as we talked
back and forth eventually she softened, her tone calmed down, and she showed she heard even a
bit of what I said. I made it clear that for me to feel safe it is important for the negative messages
to stop. If it means saying nothing to me then please do that. I will embrace the silence more than
the harsh words...we both struggled, I cried, she rationalized, the more I cried the more she
rationalized, I cried even harder...I noticed how difficult it was for her to be with me and my
pain. She talked through it around it, over it, under it...but couldn’t help soothe me...make me
safe. I continued to cry. We did come to an agreement that we are both hurting in the relationship
and managed to agree to be sensitive to words, she will come into a few more sessions. At the
end she asked me to stand up and she came and gave me a hug. It was a powerful moment and I
know she realized how hard this was for me.

Now my wounds feel wide open again...I just made the connection yesterday about the threat of
failing me...my academics were my connection to mom...a promise I made to her on her
deathbed (get this MC degree) I hadn’t realized this connection but now I do...I was prepared to
defend that no matter what. I was primed to stand up for that...as Natasha said to me on the
phone yesterday...I should be proud of myself for standing up to her...which I am...N was
disappointed that my supervisor was not willing to take ownership of her part in this...I agree...N
suggested I write down some positive affirmations and read them over many times over. This
will start to create new neural pathways in the brain to begin the healing process. (Haven’t done
that yet.)

A few months ago I was trying to engage my professor in a dialogue about the importance of
calming the emotion first and then engage the thinking. I was trying to relate to her information
from the CAAP 615 course. She works pretty much from a cognitive perspective. I have used
cognitive techniques this year...kind of hard to do this work without using it. Rather than engage
me she told me to go research it and come back with the information and then we’ll talk. Feeling
dismissed I never brought it up again...nor did she ask...so all along anytime we talked clients she
was pushing David Burns and cognitive worksheets...not my preferred way of working. Anyway,
when I had no choice I followed that...when I had a choice ( in session by myself) I went with
my gut...empathic attunement, offering a pillow for comfort, relaxation, meditation,
breathing...whatever the client and I have figured out is working...

What I learned about myself:

 Taking a risk to confront a supervisor is huge, frightening and the most difficult task I
have ever engaged in.
 When I feel unsafe I do not function well.
 It’s okay to have my needs met.
 I may not always get what I want but I am free to express what I need to feel safe.
 I cannot change anyone but myself.
 When I am genuine and authentic this can deepen even the most difficult of relationships.
 I can let others feel that they have the power. Even when I feel exposed, weak, tearful, it
is not a sign of weakness. It speaks to my ‘humanness’.
  By being vulnerable with others I allow them to see my caring and just maybe I can touch
a similar part of their humanity.

Reflecting on this experience I realized there were a few times this year that my supervisor was
pointing out my ‘woundedness’. I would always answer with:”Yes, and that is why I continue to
pursue personal counselling”.

I am profoundly moved by this supervisor in some ways...I have a sense of sadness that she has
no awareness that she scares others (her colleagues) and that although she thinks it’s okay to talk
to them that way, they are afraid of her. I wonder what it would be like for her to come to that
realization. It is not how she truly wants to be I don’t think. She is defending against
something... Even though I told her I was unsafe, walking on eggshells, she dismisses that as...
my issues, my “cognitive distortions”...well, no plans to do some of the Burns inventory on
myself anytime soon! She could in fact slam me with the DSM and find I fit many
categories...and...so...I am still a human being, who, if you get to know and listen to, can be
warm, caring, and empathic.

Perhaps this struggle was meant to be another learning experience on this journey...I will soon
need to retreat to my family and home for good to heal my wounds and process all that has
transpired...being in relationships is difficult.

Irene