ASSIGNMENT 7

Read the following messages, then (1) analyze the strengths and
weaknesses of each sentence and (2) revise each document

Message A:
As an organization, the North American Personal Motor sports
Marketing Association has committed ourselves to helping our
members – a diverse group comprising of dealers of motorcycles,
all-terrain vehicles, Snowmobiles, and personal watercraft – achieve
their business objectives. Consequently, our organization, which
usually goes under the initials NAPMMA, has the following aims,
goals, and objectives. Firstly, we endeavour to aid or assist
Our members in reaching their business objectives. Second,
NAPMMA communicates (“lobbying” in slang terms) with local,
state, and national governmental agencies and leaders on issues of
importance to our members. And lastly, we educate the motor
sports public, that being current motors sports vehicle owners, and
prospective owners of said vehicles, on the safe and enjoyable
operation of they’re vehicles.

Message B:
Dear Ms. Giraud:
Enclosed herewith please find the manuscrip0t for your book,
Careers in Wool-gathering. After persuing the first two chapters of
your 1,500-page manuscript, I was forced to conclude that
The subject matter, handicrafts and artwork using wool fibers, is
not coincident with the publishing program of Framingham Press,
which to this date has issued only works on business endeavours,
avoiding all other topics completely.

Although our firm is unable to consider your impressive work at the

present time, I have taken the liberty of recording some comments
on some of the pages. I am of the opinion that any feedback that a
writer can obtain from those well versed in the publishing realm can
only serve to improve the writer’s authorial skills.

In view of the fact that your residence is in the Boston area, might I
suggest that you secure an appointment with someone of high
editorial stature at the Cambridge Heritage Press, which I believe
might have something of an interest in works of the nature you
have produced.

Wishing you the best of luck in your literary endeavors, I remain

Arthur J. Cogswell
Editor
MESSAGE A

Q 1. As an organization, the North American Personal Motor sports

Marketing Association has committed ourselves to helping our
members – a diverse group comprising of dealers of motorcycles,
all-terrain vehicles, Snowmobiles, and personal watercraft – achieve
their business objectives.
This statement is really long. It becomes difficult for
readers. It would be better if they mention the company name as a
letter head and used an abbreviation as NAPMMA. Instead of
ourselves we would be better.

** aims, goals, and objectives. Firstly, we endeavour to aid or

assist our members in reaching their business objectives. Second,
NAPMMA communicates (“lobbying” in slang terms) with local,
state, and national governmental agencies and leaders on issues of
importance to our members. And lastly, we educate the motor
sports public, that being current motors sports vehicle owners, and
prospective owners of said vehicles, on the safe and enjoyable
operation of they’re vehicles.
When a company is mentioning about the goals and
aims it is very important they make it very simple and clear. This
would be put in a bulleted way so that information is more
productive. Usage of slang terms is not advisable. Using NAPMMA
again when it’s already been introduced.

Q2. North American Personal Motor Sports Marketing Association

(NAPMMA)

NAPMMA is an organization committed to helping our members and

achieves their business objectives. Our diverse group is comprised
of dealers of motorcycles; all-terrain vehicles, snowmobiles, and
personal watercraft to achieve their business objective.

The aims and objectives of the company are:

 Assisting members in reaching business goals.
 Members are respected.
 Educating motor sports vehicle and prospective owners.

Thanks & regards,

James Matthew,
Marketing Manager,
NAPMMA
MESSAGE B:

Q1. Enclosed herewith please find the manuscrip0t for your book,
Careers in Wool-gathering. After pursuing the first two chapters of
your 1,500-page manuscript, I was forced to conclude that the
subject matter, handicrafts and artwork using wool fibers, is not
coincident with the publishing program of Framingham Press, which
to this date has issued only works on business endeavours, avoiding
all other topics completely.
Here the editor is basically trying to convey to the
reader that, he is not happy with the work. He puts it in a much
elaborated way. He can use two sentences rather than putting the
whole stuff into a big paragraph. Its not necessary for him to him to
mention the page numbers.

** Although our firm is unable to consider your impressive work at

the present time, I have taken the liberty of recording some
comments on some of the pages. I am of the opinion that any
feedback that a writer can obtain from those well versed in the
publishing realm can only serve to improve the writer’s authorial
skills.
The editor’s tone is gentle. Though he is not accepting
the writing as of now, he is telling him what is lacking and how the
person can improve. This will help the person in knowing where he
is wrong.

** In view of the fact that your residence is in the Boston area,

might I suggest that you secure an appointment with someone of
high editorial stature at the Cambridge Heritage Press, which I
believe might have something of an interest in works of the nature
you have produced.
Here the editor tells that as the writer is in Boston. It
would be convenient for him to consult the other press which is in
the same locality.

** Wishing you the best of luck in your literary endeavours.

The editor is being gentle. He is putting across in a
positive way though he is not accepting the writing. He is not
demoralising but he is encouraging him by wishing him good luck!
Q2.

FRAMINGHAM PRESS

Dear Ms.Giraud,

I would like to inform you that we issue works only on

business endeavours. After going through few pages of your
manuscript, I realised that your book is impressive but we are
unable to consider.

I would also suggest you to take appointment with Cambridge

Heritage Press as u reside in Boston. It might have interest in works
of the nature you have produced.

Wishing you all the best in your entire endeavour and wishing
you success.

Thanks & regards,

Arthur J. Cogswell,
Editor,
Framingham Press