The first 18 chapters are in this thread.

The rest of the story will be on page 1 of

thread 2. I don't like huge threads with stories on later pages.

Thread 2
http://www.bwboard.net/index.php/topic,102288.0.html

Beyonce as... Beyonce

Beyonce, the protagonist of this story, starts her freshman year at FAMU, leaving
home in Texas to experience life at a Historically black college. Only 17 as a
home schooled student that graduated early, she discovers that life back in her
sleepy town back home doesn't compare to the richness and craziness of a
college campus. Through her four years at FAMU, she falls in love with people she
shouldn't fall for, develops rivals with other women, and takes the campus by
storm, becoming one of the most celebrated students in her class. It all comes to
a head, when she has to stand trial naked, in front of a juror of peers.

Jay-Z as... Professor Carter

Mr. Carters classes have long waiting lists and fill up within minutes, as
upperclassman and underclassman fiend to take his many courses. An
ethics/philosophy professor, he is one of the most respected and celebrated black
intellectuals in the south, writing two books on ethical principles. Irony takes
center stage as one of his most celebrated pupils, becomes his lover in secret.

Kelly Rowland as.... Kelly

Beyonce's childhood best friend didn't get accepted into FAMU, due to a low GPA
and test scores. Still, she moves from Texas to Florida with her best friend and
enrolls at neighboring Tallahassee Community College, with the hopes of
transferring to FAMU and getting an apartment with her bestie. But as the
semesters past, the two friends drift further apart, culminating into an argument
that will put the future of the friendship in doubt.

Michael B Jordan as... Wallace

A freshman artist when Beyonce is a senior, Wallace learns the meaning of "Paint
Me In Your Sunshine".

Chris Martin as... .Chris

Chris experiences discrimination, prejudice, and his first love as one of the few
white students enrolled at the predominately Black Institution. While the other
musicians and talents at the school are into step team, hip hop, and other urban
models of art/entertainment, Chris recites poetry while playing his acoustic
guitar. Can he find a way to fit in as the minority?

Michelle Williams as... Michelle

Beyonces roomate freshman year eventually becomes one of her most trusted
friends. The two immediately click as they share similar taste in music, religious
backgrounds, and moral codes. As Beyonce drifts apart from Kelly, Michelle and
her grow closer and share secrets; and a moment together that will have them
both questioning themselves and their moral codes.

Clifford Harris as.... Tip

A highly intelligent drug dealer, originally from Atlanta, but now making his
rounds in Florida. After discovering that college campuses were a gold mine, he
starts selling weed and pills to the students; making friends and enemies along
the way. Tip eventually sets his eyes on Beyonce, and the two of them engage in
a tumultuous love affair with a tragic ending.

Nicki Minaj as.... Nicki

Tip's ex girlfriend, and the self proclaimed baddest b*tch in the school, this
sorority leading lady naturally clashes with Beyonce, who becomes a threat to
her own status. Although rivals in government, NAACP meetings, and social
standing, the two realize they are more alike than they thought.
Rihanna as... Rihanna

A model trying to save up enough money to move to New York, this feisty gal
introduces Beyonce to art modeling, post-modern feminism, drugs, and a hipster
lifetyle that forever changes the Southern Belle. Unafraid to show her body or
explore her sexuality, Rihanna becomes an unlikely friend, lover, and unlikely
guiding force in Beyonces life.
CCH Pounder as... Professor Pounder

Although hard on Beyonce initially, Professor Pounder becomes one of her

biggest supporters when everything unravels. This openly gaay professor, human
rights advocate, and former Hippie provides the moral fabric Beyonce needs to
cover her nakedness.

Neyo as... Jarvis

Beyonce befriends her first openly gaay male after being sheltered in Texas.
Jarvis apologizes for no one, but his hardnosed attitude towards people, soften
after he betrays the trust of the one person that gave it.

Lupe Fiasco as Lupe

When Beyonce travels to France on a school trip, she gets an cultural lesson,
learning that there are black men in Europe. To the point, she has to decide if she
will get close to a man that lives across the ocean.

Plies as.... Smurf

Tips partner in crime, this non-student shows up at college parties to hustle, pick
up women, and show out of towners how they get down in Flawda.

Quinton Aaron as... Quinton

His Story Arch to be announced later.

Setting: FAMU in Tallahasee, Florida

As one of the most prestigious HBC's in the country and located in the States
capital city, it becomes Beyonce's school choice. It also becomes the home to the
drama surrounding the many characters in this story.

Chapter 1
There are all types of jitters and uncertainties surrounding the day you leave
home and get away from the people that made up your world. Will these new
people like me? Will I miss my old world? Will I flop around and die like a fish out
of water or a whale stuck on the beach. Or will I thrive and adapt like a
Chameleon. I couldn't help but wonder if adapting meant blending in like the
Chameleon or standing out. I didn't want to move all the way from Houston,
Texas to Tallahassee Florida just to become another Floridian. I wanted to
become someone that would be unique; someone that would be remembered.

I chose FAMU University primarily because it was such a large historically black
school, and I wanted to feel closer to my people. I attended public school for only
a few years when my dad had pulled me out in fourth grade. I was pulled
because the curriculum included sex ed and evolution talk, which my parents
were both weary of. See, my dad is a head deacon in my church, and it was a
huge no-no for him to allow his children to be corrupted by the evil secular talk of
science and sex. Hell, I was still calling my pussy my special place instead of a
vagina back then.

My dad met with the other decision makers on our church board and they set up
some funds for home-schooling. They decided private school cost too much, and
they could buy books and pay tutors for an entire year what it would cost to put
us in a semester of a christian private school. Once it was set up, parents at the
church immediately started pulling their kids from public school and letting paid
tutors home-school us, but with a church approved lesson plan.

I initially was devastated to be taken away from my friends; well what little
friends I had. I learned a lot more shit at school than I learned at home. Not
school stuff, but life school. I learned slang and the joys of cursing and all kinds of
sex jokes that I was sheltered from at home. Both my sister Solange, and I were
going to truly miss that note passing and gossip that we were immersed in as
third and fourth graders.
After we were out of public school for a few semesters, we eventually got over it.
My tutor was pretty cool; she was a Haitian lady with tons of life experience
(which means she was old as shit) and many funny stories she would tell me
once my work was done. My parents never knew it, but she was a closet Athiest,
and had no problems polluting my head with secular seeds in our downtime. She
had received her degree in education from a Historically Black College, although
it wasn't by choice. In her time, college was a rarity for black folk, especially
immigrants. But she worked her ass off and eventually was accepted into FAMU.
She would tell me all types of stories of racism, but she'd also include such rich
and exciting stories of racial identity and belonging.

I felt like I didn't belong to much culture out in the Burbs of Houston. Most of my
family lived in New Orleans, and most of our neighbors had blond hair and blue
eyes. I never even noticed it until I went to a Family Reunion and my cousin
Angie told me I sounded like Dione from the movie Clueless. I was clueless to the
reference being a bad thing, so I smiled and thanked her. My best friend Kelly
had to point it out to me that it was an insult for a black girl to sound like a Valley
girl. Ever since then, I was conscious of how I talked, trying to make sure I
sounded more urban and hip. But it was hard, being away from the hipsters of a
public school and staying hip.

Our parents limited TV time, but my channel stayed on BET when I did have the
opportunity to watch. 106 and Park and Kelly were my teachers on how to be
black.

Kelly was going to have to be my life line when I moved to Florida, but I was
going to have to be away from her for my first 3 months. That was maybe scaring
me more than being away from my parents and sister. See, Kelly liked to party a
lot, and school never really came natural for her. She was one of the few kids in
our church that remained in Public School, and when it came time to apply for
colleges, let's just say she got more rejection letters than a inmate applying for
an appeal. No college wanted her. She decided she would continue working her
job at Wal-Mart and move down to Tallahassee with me in September where she
would enroll in Tallahasse Community College. The ultimate goal was she would
transfer to FAMU in two years and me and her would get an apartment together.

While she struggled with school, I excelled. My text scores were through the roof
and I had my pick of colleges, getting accepted into Duke, Stanford, and
Spellman. I had applied all over the country since my application fees were
waved and I wanted to weigh my options, but there was something about FAMU
that kept calling me. Maybe it was the voice of my Hatian tutor telling me all of
those stories about the school in the 60's or maybe because it was close to Miami
and Atlanta, but when I told my parents I'd be going to FAMU, I knew in my heart
it was going to be a place for me to escape.

Of course they objected the idea. My mother wanted me at Spellman, the all
womens liberal arts HBC, and my dad wanted me at Rice, the prestigious Texas
college, but for maybe the first time in my life, they took a step back and allowed
me to make my first adult decision. And my decision was to get the hell away
from them and their plans for me.

I have nothing against my parents. I know they love me and only want their idea
of the best for me, but I had spent 16 years as a sheltered church girl, protected
from the great sin of the world, and I wanted to break free.

There were some things I would surely miss, though. My mom and grandma, both
of Creole descent, had owned a Soul Food restaurant which was one of the most
popular spots for black people in Houston. Even the white folks loved their special
recipe for fried chicken, macaroni, and oxtails. I was going to miss that. We
weren't allowed to eat it all the time, like the family from that movie Soul Food,
but when they did decide to make dinner using those recipes, I feasted. For some
reason, they never allowed me or Solange to know the recipes or spend much
time in the kitchen. She would always say we would learn the recipes when we
had use to learn them. Solo would tell me that meant when we got married.

Solo, as we call my sis, is a year younger, but many eons wiser than me. Her
wisdom was beyong that of the typical 15 year old. Or maybe I just thought that
way since she wasn't a virgin, and with eating the forbidden fruit came a wealth
of knowledge. She didn't take a bite from the tree of knowledge, she ate the
entire damn fruit without saving me any. She lost her virginity at 14 to a guy
from Christian Summer camp, and started regularly f*cking on our weekends out
at the movie theater. So she could get hers, we would typically go see movies
with our dates at boring, old, empty screenings and sit at the top. She owes me
for all of the terrible movies I ended up seeing so she could scratch an itch.

We were the typical church girls, perception wise, but she was already becoming
a little devil, and I loved it. I wanted her spunk and courage and care-free
attitude, and I was going to miss it being an everyday part of my life. But, as with
Kelly, we had a plan that she would too enroll at FAMU after receiving her HS
diploma in May, and all three of us would eventually get an apartment together,
as the three amigos.

We both were graduating early after receiving nearly double the credits that
normal HS students received during a semester, which only made our parents
even more fearful of letting us go. I was going off to college as a scrawny,
sheltered, 16 year old, although I'd be 17 by September. I had decided to enroll
during the summer to get a jump start on the other freshman, which meant
moving in the dorms in May 2006. I couldn't drink, couldn't vote, could barely
legally drive, yet I was going to be living on my own. The horror of it all was
overwhelmingly enticing to me, and overwhelmingly repulsive to my parents.

My dad was a good guy. Worked in a cubical in the day and the pulpit as night.
He came from poverty in New York but after going to school and marrying my
mother, had started a new life in a white picket fence community in Texas. He
got called a coon for the longest because of how he moved his family away from
what he grew up calling home, but he always said he'd rather be living good as a
coon that living bad as a brother. Still, I would miss the way he provided for his
girls, and how he was really the only male influence in my life. Now, I'd be
surrounded by all kinds of strange boys and men. Then again, that was enticing
as well.

My grandmother had recently passed. It shook our family when in happened, and
we were still trying to recover from it. But it was her passing and ultimately the
inheritance she left behind that allowed me to attend an out of state University
with rising tuition and have my entire education be paid for without a loan. I
missed my grandmother, but part of me, a selfish part I wouldn't dare speak out
loud, appreciated her parting gift. Did this make me a bad person?

Our family was considered middle class and we had good financial standing, but
the look on my dads face when he saw that first school bill was concerning. Our
little cousin Ricky had moved in with us from New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina
forced his family to move elsewhere, and this meant we had less disposable
income. Still, our daddy made it a habit of taking us out to eat as a family.

Usually he looked at bills and smiled. When we went to restaurants or he bought

us new clothes or something like that, he'd peep the bill, smile to himself, and
keep it moving. But after just one semester of room and board and tuition, he
didn't smile. He looked, and looked, and looked. Long and hard. Long. And. Hard.
And then he asked what was for dinner. I didn't say anything, but I wondered if
we really could afford this. He'd usually get upset if Solo or I asked about
finances, so we didn't. But I really wanted to ask him about it that day. That day,
was this day.

We packed into the family van, ready to drive down to Florida on the day I would
be moving in. The van was packed with my things, clothes and whatnot, but most
of my things were to remain in Texas. My dad had given me a special credit card
that was to be used to purchase food, toiletries and my girl shit, and things like
books and a computer. It would be my most prized possession that I was taking
with me. The limit was 5 grand, but there was no way I was buying 5 G's worth of
tampons and textbooks. I could only imagine the outfits that I'd sport when I had
a day to myself to hit that famous Tallahassee mall.

"Look at Bee, all cheesing and stuff," cousin Ricky said as we were pulling off.

I sucked my teeth and shot him a look.

He was a little punk ass, always starting shit and always trying to be funny, but
he was right. I had been smiling hard all week even though I was trying to contain
myself. And even though it was a little pass midnight and everyone else, Solo, my
mom, and my dad were looking sluggish and ready for long ass drive to Tally to
start and be over, I was enjoying every second of the day I would become
independent.
"Beyonce, you seem awfully eager to leave home. What you got planned?," my
mother asked, partially tongue in cheek.

"Nah, ma. Not eager. Just excited," I said.

"I can't say I'm too excited about this," my dad chimed in, turning the wheel and
looking in the rear view.

"Daddy. You not excited about your daughter starting college?" I pressed,
smiling.

"Oh I'm excited about you going to college. But you could have went to college
here. You ain't have to move to no Florida".

"Yeah Bee. And even if you did choose to leave Texas. I think I would have felt
more comfortable with you at Spellman" my mother chimed in.

Solo, who had been looking sleepy, gave a crooked smile.

"Now you know Bee ain't going to no school that don't have any boys" she
snickered.

"So not true. Morehouse is right next to Spellman. A plethora of boys, if that was
what I was looking fo'" I said.

"Wamp Wamp" Solo laughed.

"Don't project your wants on me, Solo" I laughed back.

"What does pleh-the-ruh mean" Ricky asked in his laughably strong New Orleans
accent.

"A bunch" Solo answered.

"So More-House, has a bunch of boys?" he asked.

"It's an all boy school like Spellman is an all girl school" I said.

"I'd definitely go to the all girl school if I was you" Ricky cheesed.

We all laughed. And thus started the beginning of our journey of our 16 hour
drive to my new home. After some more busy conversation and teasing about me
leaving home, we all dozed off to sleep which is what we did for the majority of
the trip. I put on my ipod, listening to the new Fray Album about 10 times, and
after almost dying of boredom and limb tightness we arrived in Florida, and
everyone became all wide eyed and excited. Just as excited as I was when the
trip first began.
When we arrived to Tallahassee, we stopped at Mcdonalds and ate lunch, but as
hungry as I was, I could hardly eat. I was excited, too excited about what lay
ahead in the next hour, and next semester, and next four years of my life. New
faces and smells and experiences lay ahead. A few of the smells and faces hit me
as soon as I walked in the packed fast food joint. I could tell a lot of the people
there were college students as they rocked the latest clothing fads and most of
them had their cell phone out. I don't think anyone was actually talking on the
cell phones, but for one reason or another, each of them were being put to use.

Solo and I walked to the bathroom so we could wash our hands and before we
could even make it to the door, a few guys had spotted, tapped their friends, and
pointed us out. Fresh meat. Being devoured by the eyes of chaste deficient boys
seemed so degrading and dehumanizing, but it was rejuvenating for this girl. I
had been deprived of these assholes for too long. I enjoyed their rude, blatant,
stares. Solo seemed to not mind the attention either.

"Did you see all those niggas checking us out?" she laughed when we were
washing our hands in the surprisingly (relatively) clean restroom.

I giggled.

"Daddy saw it too" I grinned.

"You are so lucky, girl" she responded.

I guess I was. I was finally going to be able to do me.

Even the fries down here tasted different and seemed new and exciting. I
couldn't wait to ditch my parents and explore this new city and the people that
decorated it. But first, I had to down the rest of the McNuggets. Each time I
dipped, I noticed a guy watching me eat. As obnoxious as it was, I found a great
deal of enjoyment in captivating the guys of this fast food joint. Even if I was only
wearing a tshirt and shorts. If that could have them eye-f*cking me, I figured I'd
have them eating out the palm of my hands when i actually did some shopping
for some clothes my daddy would never let me out of his house wearing.

We got back in the van and made our way to the campus, Solo and I exchanging
looks about the guys that had been checking for our jail bait asses. Ricky picked
up on it.

"Bee, so are you going to tell Lyndell about lunch" he smiled.

Oh shit. Lyndell. That's right. With all of the excitement of new, fresh, Floridian
testosterone, I had forgotten all about my own boyfriend of three years. Lyndell
and I met at a dance that I had to beg my daddy to attend, and he eventually
become my boyfriend, although most of our first years of quote on quote dating
as done exclusively over the phone. We'd stay up late, talk about shit we were
too young to be talking about, and giggle and whisper sweet nothings. Then,
when we actually went on a date, we'd be shy and awkward and distant.

Eventually he gave me my first kiss and I guess I got comfortable with him. I liked
him, he was a cool guy, but he too was something I was willing and ready to give
up so I could explore something different. He was a reminder of Houston, and my
sheltered life, and the innocence of our puppy love kisses and cop and feels.

We decided, which really meant I didn't want to be mean so I agreed, to carry on

a long distance relationship. He was still in HS and I would be in college, so in my
heart I knew I had outgrown what we had. I just didn't have the heart to tell him I
wanted to break up. I figured after I ignored him long enough, he'd get the hint
without me actually having to say anything to his face.

I had thought about losing my virginity to him before I left for school, but decided
against it. I didn't want to f*ck him because it was convenient and I'd be
comfortable doing so. I wanted to want to actually f*ck my first. And knowing the
decision to have sex would also mean losing my virginity allowed me to preserve
that unique layer of decision making. I wanted that layer when I started college. I
wasn't naive. I knew I'd end up losing it to some guy out here. I knew I'd probably
regret whoever I ended up f*cking. But I didn't want to part with my virginity right
before parting to my new life. I wanted it to come with me and make that
decision here.

When we got to the campus, the big ass campus with buildings and students
everywhere, I felt the butterflies swarm in my belly, and just briefly, I wondered if
I was completely in over my head. Maybe I was so eager to make an adult
decision, that I didn't make the one I could actually live with. I wanted life to be
so different, that I forgot the grass wasn't always greener. But as I looked at the
buildings surrounded by green as green goes grass, I quickly tossed those
thoughts out of my ear and took in the campus air. This was what I had been
waiting for. My first day of college.

Chapter 2
My parents helped me get situated by moving in my things and talking with the
RAs and faculty about my special situation. I would be the youngest person living
on campus but they had dealt with 16 year olds before and they assured my
worrisome folks that I would be taken care of. The talked that help ease my dad
the most was when they said boys weren't allowed in the dorms. The fine would
be $500 if a boy was caught in a room. And my daddy told me it would come out
of my money. There was no way in hell I would be willing to risk it. The
punishment was too severe.

"Bee, I can't really believe you are leaving. Man. I'm happy for you but I dont
want you to leave me" Solo said with a sad expression sweeping over her face.

"I wish I could keep you here with me" I said.

Ricky just looked, seemingly annoyed by our show of affection. Campus activity
was to a minimum since it was the summer and most of the residents had went
home or weren't attending classes, but even with it being nearly 5:30 P.M., there
were people out and about. All of them black, all of them looking more hip to
things that I was. I knew almost immediately if I was going to survive out here, I
was going to have to become cool with those that were cool.

My dad paid a bit higher for me to stay in Diamond Hall, which offered bigger
dorms and would be located on the infamous spot known as The Set. Now I had
heard about this place on campus where everything happened, but I had to see it
for myself to truly believe it. I didn't explain to my daddy what The Set was, but it
was a large reason why I wanted to stay in that dorm building.

My roomate Michelle, who I had briefly chatted with on the phone a few weeks
earlier, wasnt in when my family started moving things in the room, but she
came in the middle of it. She seemed shocked by the room full of strangers that
she walked into.

"Opps. I'm sorry" she said in the same raspy but intriguing voice I had heard over
the phone.
I turned around and finally got a chance to put the face with the voice.

"No, sweety its fine. This is your room too" my mother said to the lanky girl that
stood at the door.

She was cute to me. Low cut hair style, glasses, but a bit skinny and unsure of
herself. I could tell she lacked confidence just by the way she stood and the
apprehensive tone of her voice.

"Hey Michelle" I said to her, hoping she'd recognize my voice.

"Hey" she said simply.

"This is my family. My mother Tina, my daddy Matthew, my sister Solange".

Ricky walked in the room looking weighed down by the luggage he was carrying
and I mushed his head.

"And this, is my little cousin Ricky".

"Why I gotta be your little cousin?" Ricky complained.

I elbowed him and smiled. Michelle gave each of them a weak smile and one
wave.

"Nice to meet you" she said to return the greeting.

My dad looked full of questions and I knew they were coming.

"So Michelle, what are you majoring in?" he asked.

"Journalism" she said, simply.

"Ahh, A writer I see" my mother smiled.

"Yes Ma'am".

"This your first semester too?" my dad asked.

"Yes. I moved in yesterday. My mom thought it would be better if I started in the

summer instead of waiting to the fall".

"Sounds like a good plan. We thought of it first, though" my dad said, trying to
make a funny.

I ended up giving an embarrassing sympathy chuckle so we wouldn't only hear

the roar of the AC.
"Keep trying Uncle Matt" Ricky said.

My dad coughed and kept it moving.

"So Michelle, are you in state or out of state? Beyonce is coming from Houston"
my dad said.

"I'm in state. Born and raised in Miami. Came here on a Bright Futuers
Scholarship" she said.

"Well good. We'd like for Bee to have some friends that are native Floridians" my
mother smiled.

Michelle gave a polite smile and we searched for more words to help move past
this awkward meeting.

"Was that everything?" my dad said to Ricky.

"Yep. Last bag. And yall ain't even help me" he barked.

"Thank you Ricky" I smiled at him.

"Yeah, whatever. Just know, I'm moving all of my stuff in YOUR room back home"
he grinned evilly.

Such a punk ass.

"Well Beyonce. That's everything. I guess you girls can arrange everything
yourselves, right?" my dad asked, obviously dreading the moment.

"Yes sir" I smiled, ready for him to leave.

"Well" he sighed.

"Well, I guess we should be heading back" my mother said finishing his thoughts
and looking me in my eyes.

I could sense her search, looking for any signs of fear of the future, once they left
my ass here. She didn't find fear though. She found the look that confirmed to
her that it was time for them to leave and time for me to breathe.

"Well come here" she said, arms extended.

I went over to my mother who gripped me tight, my dad soon followed, and then
Solo who dragged Ricky to the group hug. They hugged me, and at that moment,
I was glad to have them as my family, even the punk ass. I held my breath and
smiled, embracing their bear hug but I regained my composure when out of the
corner of my eye I saw Michelle just standing there, probably disgusted by our
Brady Bunch moment.

"Ok guys. I love yall. Now let me go" I said.

They let me go and seemed glued to the floor. I guess it didn't sink in that after
the hug, they were suppose to leave.

"Call me, ok Bee" Solo said.

"Everyday" I said back to her.

"And call me too" my dad said.

"Once a month" I smiled to him.

He didn't laugh. And it took my mom dragging him by the arm for him to leave.
Once they were gone, out of the building and walking towards the parking lot, I
relaxed a bit, just trying to live in the moment. The moment that I had
anticipated for years. I was finally here. Finally transfixed in the moment my
imagination struggled to articulate. I was free.

"I can't tell if that look means you are happy or sad" Michelle said, breaking my
trance.

I turned towards her and breathed a sigh.

"Happy. Complete. Pure. Unadulterated. Happiness" I said, choosing my words to

help describe the tranquility of the moment.

She smiled, "Yeah, I know how you feel. I wanted to just dance when my mom
left".

"Did you?" I asked.

"Nah. Still too new at this being on my own thing. These walls still feel so distant
and unfamiliar".

"Yeah. But I think that is what I love about it. I guess I'm tired of being so
comfortable" I said.

"Well just wait until you have to use the community bathrooms. You will be
smitten" she laughed.

I laughed too. I guess I hadn't thought about that reality. I'm sure I would be
missing my bedroom bathroom and my bed and my privacy as soon as the
novelty of being here wore off. But I wasn't ready to miss home. I wanted this
high to last as long as it could.
"Lets go on the Set" I said.

"Lets go" she smiled.

Michelle and I had already talked before on the phone. I found out we had a lot in
common. We both came from a Pentecostal church background. Her mom was an
Evangelist. I found out we both loved Janet Jackson's first album but hated her
last one. She wanted to major in Journalism and I was going to major in
Education, but we both had been in Who's Who for being outstanding students in
HS. I had heard horror stories about roomates from hell, and I think we were both
happy that we seemed to be compatible. Hell, maybe she'd even become my first
friend here.

We hit the Set, which was really a big ass patio area with a bunch of people
hanging around and peddling something. There was music playing, fine ass men
stepping, and a ton of sign up tables set up for various organizations and groups.

"The Greeks run this place" Michelle whispered to me as we walked.

"You going to pledge?" I asked.

She shot me a look.

"I refuse to go through with ANY of that hazing stuff, so no" she said.

Michelle showed me around the campus like she was a pro. She had visited the
school several times so she said she had a pretty good grip on where things
were. She pointed out each dorm, like the notoriously small coed building
Paddyfote Complex, and then we went to the Dining Hall where I was sure I'd
spend many a days, and then to the book store.

Somewhere along the way, we ran into a short but interesting looking light bright
student. Or should I say, he ran into us, literally running right into me.
"Oh, excuse me ladies. I wasn't looking" he smiled.

"It's fine" I said back to him, wondering if this was game or a genuine mistake.
"Yes, you are fine" he smiled.

Ok, it was game and I knew it.

"I'm guessing you two are freshman. I haven't seen yall around here before. My
name is Tip" he said extending his hand.

Michelle shook, then stated her name and then he looked towards me and I did
the same.

"Michelle and Beyonce. Most def a welcomed edition to this campus. Where yall
stayin?".

"Diamond" I said, before being elbowed on the sly by Michelle.

I guess she didn't want him knowing and I, like a newbie at this, had f*cked up.

"That's wassup. Right on The Set. At least yall ain't at Paddyfote" he grinned.

"Yeah. Heard it's really bad there" I said.

"Oh it is. I'm a former P-Foot Solider so I know first hand. I stay in one of the
campus apartments now, though" he said.

"Upperclassman?"Michelle asked.

"Yeah, i'm a junior" he said.

"Well, Beyonce here is only 16. I'm only 17. So..." Michelle said, cockblocking for
both of us.

"16 and 17? Damn. Yall are some youngins" he said, smushing his shocked face.

I looked at Michelle who was laughing.

"Well looka here Shawty. I'm a man of many talents roun these parts. I'm sure
yall will be hearing about me and seeing about me in the future. Maybe, near
future" he smiled.

"Maybe" Michelle said.

"Be easy, Beyonce, and Michelle. Or should I say, 16 and 17" he laughed, before
rubbing my Shoulder and walking off.

When he was out of sight, I side eyed Michelle and smiled to myself.

"17?".
"I'm really 18" she laughed.

"So why lie?"

"We will have plenty of time to get hit on. The first day should be school only,
though" she said.

I guess the glasses she wore signaled that she really was a nerd. She'd be cool I
figured, but Michelle wouldn't be one of the in-crowd students I knew I'd have to
become cool with. TIP? The man of many talents? The man that presumed I'd be
seeing about him in the future? I was sure, right off the bat on our first
encounter, that he was one of the cool cats.

Michelle and I went to the book store and stood in the long ass line to get our
books. First semester books? 1 for Calculus. One for Criminal Justice. 2 for Lit and
one for Ethics. Book total? Over $500. I feared what my dad would think when he
saw the bill.

"You're taking Ethics?" Michelle said when she saw me get the book from the
shelf.

"Yeah. It's a class a lot of freshman take".

"Whose class are you taking?"

I looked on my class schedule.

"Professor Stone" I shrugged.

"Oh no girl. We gotta go switch your class right now before it's too late".

"Switch? Why?"

"You have to take Mr. Carters ethics class. He is one of the best teachers here. He
has a perfect approval rating on ratemeprofessor.com and everything. I'm taking
his class too. You HAVE to take it" she said.

I had never really thought about professors and the quality of them before. I
guess I was so use to my tutor that I never thought about it. But Michellees
excitement for the man had me excited. That excitement only increased when we
talked to the student assistant at the registration building.

"Oh you want to switch to Mr. C's class? Good luck with that one" he laughed.

"Good luck, why?" I asked.

"Mr. C is the most popular teacher here. His classes fill up in hours. I'm sure its
too late to be put in the class".
"Why is he so popular?" I asked.

The tall dark skin brother eyed me and smiled softly. I had noticed the same
smile before from other guys around the campus. It was either a sign that he was
about to compliment me or some say bullshit pick up line.

"You know you girls are really pretty" he said.

"Thanks?" I blurted.

Damn, only an hour on campus and I was already getting annoyed by the empty
compliments. Or maybe I only was annoyed because he smelled of Axe and Musk
and had bug eyes.

"So, is there any way, any way at all, that I could get in his class?" I asked.

He looked me over, then Michelle who had her puppy dog eyes flowing, and he
crackled his knuckles and fired up the database in the computers.

"This must be fate. Someone just dropped his class about 10 minutes ago. No
waiting list, it's first come first serve. So looks like you just got the last available
seat" the student said.

He clicked around a few times and handed me a print out of my new schedule.
He eventually asked me out as well, but I told him I was 16 and he saw on my
Student ID that I wasn't lying. My date of birth truly was some nigga repellent,
which was funny considering I'd be 17 in a few months and 17 was legal in the
state of Florida for college aged students. I guess I couldn't hate on it though. I
was here for school. An education. Or some other bullshit like that. But I most
definitely wasn't here for bug eyed niggas.

**

My first week of classes was great. I had fear of my teachers being hard nosed
dictators, but they all seemed accommodating and accessible even though the
class sizes were huge. I went from being in a class of one to a class of 50 to 100.
Mr. C's class was one of the ones with 100.

I had no idea what the guy looked like, although Michelle had went on and on
about how cool and cute and awesome he was. I guess I was slightly dissapointed
when the mysterious man walked in the classroom two minutes late with a Cosby
sweater and thick black framed glasses. He had no facial hair and didn't seem to
have a particularly impressive frame either. Seemed pretty plain to me. What a
letdown. Cute? Hell, he was barely passing for not being ugly. Michelle's taste in
men took a dip when I saw him. I looked at her and she seemed to be intoxicated
by the guys walk into the lecture hall.
I think most of the students in the class were struggling to accept the image of
Mr. Carter. We most likely had all joined the class based on word of mouth, and
instead of getting Denzel Washington, or at least that is who my fantasy had
presented, we got a camel looking dude in a Cosby sweater in 90 degree
weather. What a huge letdown.

He walked towards the center of the room and put his brief case on the desk. Out
of the briefcase came a laptop. He set his laptop up as the room remained
completely silent. The room had been brimming with chatter and people beat
boxing and freestyling and such, but the man of the hour had the floor. A man
that had a perfect rating on a professor rating website. What was it that made
this man so well liked, universally?

After he had his Macbook set up, he looked out at the wide eyed students staring
back at him. This was a 9 a.m. class, but everyone seemed wide awake. Maybe
because it was the first week of classes, or maybe because it was the first week
of the most popular teachers class. I thought about the bug eyed guy that helped
me register for this class and that he never answered me when I asked what
made Mr. Carter so popular. So popular, that he had a damn nickname. Mr. C?
Who calls their professor, by their first initial? It had to be more to it than what I
saw standing before me.

"Hello class" he said loudly, in a voice I couldn't quite believe when I heard it.

His voice was lightly flavored, like low fat butter on popcorn. Not quite high-pitch,
but not the baritone monster that I imagined after hearing Michelle speak so
highly of him as a sex symbol. Well damn, there goes my masturbation material.

I guess the class was as taken back as I was. No one replied.

"Hello...class" he repeated, this time stressing his statement.

The class responded with a very light, unenthusiastic good mourning.

Mr. Carter smiled to himself, stepped from around his desk and walked closer to
us. He looked around at the rows of freshman and took a deep breath. I don't
think any of us were prepared for what he was about to say.

Full of playful energy he leaped to the right side of the room and loudly yelled,
"Ok let me hear you say HEY!"

Then quick, sprinted to the other end and said "And let me hear you say HOO!".

Maybe it was the sheer absurdity of this behavior, or the fact that all of us were
caught off guard by it, but the room filled with laughter, genuine laughter. I
looked at Michelle who had a bright smile planted across her face, a smile that
said SEE I told you he was awesome. Meh. Ok, so he got a good one in. Wamp
Wamp. That still doesn't mean he was worth all of the hype. I finished my laugh
and focused back in on the teacher turned comedian.

"Ok. So this is the first day of class. And usually what happens on these days is
the instructor hands out the syllabus, talks about himself and the class, and then
asks each person to stand up and introduce themselves. Well. Personally, I'm not
very interested in talking about myself or hearing yall talk about yourselves" he
began.

"But. I am a bit interested in hearing what you freshman have heard about me. I
seem to have this reputation of being....cool. And most freshman take it because
the other students tell them about how cool I am. Am I off base here?" he asked.

"No" the class echoed down to him.

He smiled.

"Thought so. So instead of me giving you my life story. Ima let yall tell me what
you have heard. I get different answers each time I do this. So shoot".

The room remained silent as Mr. Carter walked over to his desk, sat down and
took a sip from his coffee mug.

One brave soul raised her hand.

"You don't have to raise your hand. Just speak" Mr. Carter said.

She stood up.

"I heard you use to be a drug dealer and now you teach" she said.

"I heard he never stopped selling drugs and the teaching thing is a front"
someone else blurted.
"I heard you won some awards because of a book you wrote".

"I heard you are a real nigga" some guy said, which promoted many laughs.

Mr. Carter seemed to be enjoying the rapid fire comments. He sat back, sipped
his coffee, and smiled. Once the students started running low on what they had
heard, he put the mug on the table and stood up.

"You guys have heard a lot of things" he said to a wave of chuckles, "but the
question is. Does it matter that you know my past?"

"I think it matters. I mean, if you use to sell drugs and stuff and now you are
teaching us about morals. It's important for us to know that" someone said.

"So the contents of the message isn't as important as who the message is
coming from?" Mr. Carter asked.

"Yeah" a nice sized portion of the class responded.

I remained silent and just watched.

"Why?" Mr. Carter asked.

"Well I don't want to hear a prostitute lecture me about saving myself for
marriage, you feel me?" a girl said.

"Hell yea. That's like a broke nigga trying to tell me about saving money" a husky
guy with gold teeth said.

Everyone laughed.

"So if I told you guys right now that I sell drugs. Kingpin status. You're saying that
would destroy my credibility as an instructor on ethics?" Mr. Carter asked.

"Yes" most of the class, including me, responded back.

"Well, do I look like a drug dealer?" he asked.

"No" some girls responded, "yes" some others responded.

"Looks can be deceiving. You could be a wolf in sheep clothing" the husky guy
said.

"Do you guys think my man right here, looks like a drug dealer?" Mr. Carter
asked, pointing to the husky guy with gold teeth.

The majority of the class turned around and looked at him. He had mean eyes,
ashy knuckles, and a mouth full of gold, and his voice was thunderously bold. He
looked like one or some sort of thug. No one answered, though. They just looked.

"Hell yeah they think I look like a drug dealer" the guy said.

"Why is that, fam?" Mr. Carter asked.

"Cuz of my gold teeth, and the way I talk and shit".

"I see" Mr. Carter said, "anyone care to debate with my man's thoughts?"

No one said a word.

"Hmm. So most of us in here are black, right?" he said, looking around.

We were all black.

"So most of us agree that prejudice is unethical right? Thinking homie is a drug
dealer because of his 'gold teeth and shit" he said, mimicking the tone of the
guys voice.

This caused more chuckles.

"Prejudice would have you not taking his--what's your name, fam?"

"Deshawn. But they call me Day-Day".

"Ok Day-Day. Prejudice would have people not taking your words serious".

"Right" Deshawn said.

"But wait a minute. Isn't that what most of yall just agreed with in regards to
me?" Mr. Carter spoke.

"We said if you were a drug dealer" a girl spoke.

"Like a Pharmacist?" Mr. Carter spoke?

"No. Like selling crack and stuff" another girl said.

"Oh but you assumed drug dealer meant crack?" Mr. Carter said.

"Semantics" a guy next to me loudly said.

Mr. Carter smiled at him.

"Ok. So if I use to sell 'crack and stuff'. And then wanted to teach students the
basics of ethical principles, it would be ok for you to show prejudice towards me?"
The room remained silent.

"Yes. I think so" someone eventually said.

"And why is that?" Mr. Carter asked.

"Because it can be a conflict of interest" the girl said.

Mr. Carter looked at her and smiled.

"Smart group we have here. A little smarter than I thought when I first walked in
here" Mr. Carter said.

Some laughed.

"Prejudice!" someone yelled.

"And apparently, it's ok" he laughed.

"Only if it's a conflict of interest" someone said.

"Conflict and Interest. Choices and points of views. THIS is what this class will be
all about this semester. This is what ethics is. Your goal for this semester is not to
be right, but to be strong in your convictions and not waffle. But I want you to
also understand why you feel the way you feel. There are no test in this class".

Many cheers erupted from the students.

"No final exams and no midterms" he said, which followed more cheers.

"But I do have you write three papers. The first paper, is due next class."

Boos and other noises that expressed dissapointment followed that statement. So
much for him being a teacher of the students.

"I want you to answer. In as many or as short as you can express. If I told you I
was a drug dealer, would it destroy my credibility as an ethics instructor".

"Is this double spaced and do we have a word count?" Michelle asked.

"I don't care the format. Just write it. It can be one sentence or a 20 page paper if
you like. I just want your strong conviction. You will be graded on that
conviction".

With those last words, he dismissed the class. We had only been in the class for
around 15 minutes, and in that short time, I knew his class was going to be a
highlight to my summer.
**

"Giri, I already miss your ass" Kelly said over the phone, full of excitement but a
hint of sadness too.

"I don't miss Houston yet. But I damn sure miss you too" I responded, meaning it.

"Ok, so tell me about the first week of classes. And don't skip the part about the
college men" she laughed.

"There is no part to skip. It's been all school so far" I said.

"No guys tried to holla at you at all?"

"A few here and there, but nothing serious. They run like Olympics sprinters when
I tell them I am 16" I snickered.

"Shit, alot of the guys I know wouldn't care" she laughed back.

"Nah but there was this one guy. Named Tip. He tried to flirt with me and my
roomate. He was kinda cute. I found out that he is a drug dealer though, can you
believe that?"

"A drug dealer? Girl, I told you that all black school was trouble. Students
suppose to be aspiring doctors and lawyers. And the first cute guy you mention is
a damn drug dealer. We got to do better, black people" she said sarcastically.

I laughed.

"He supposedly sells weed and pills at the parties. Real popular dude. I'm sure
I'm going to run into him around campus again".

"Parties, huh. You been to any yet? When I imagine college that is the first thing I
think of".

"Nope. Haven't been yet".

"Church girl" she teased.

"Child boo. Ima go. I just had to get settled into school first".

"Nerd" she teased again.

I laughed. Kelly always had a way of making me laugh at her teasing. Partially
because I knew it never came from a harmful place. Kelly was adopted by after
spending a few years in foster homes. She had been through a lot, much more
than I ever had. Molestation, abuse, eating disorders. And all of this happened in
the foster care system. The state passed her around several times until she was
finally adopted at 7 by a bourgeois black family, that also happened to be
members of the church my dad was a deacon for. I was only 5, but my mother
ended up baby sitting her a few times.

Kelly was a mute back then. She didn't say anything to anybody. Just sat and
looked at the floor. She was such a joyless, pain filled child. I was the opposite,
happy go lucky, curious George that badgered the poor girl with so many
questions that she finally uttered a word to shut me the hell up. After a few
months of my mom baby sitting her, Kelly and I had our first breakthrough when I
started singing I'll Be There by the Jackson 5.

"You and I, must make, a pack. We must bring salvation back" I sang in my off
key 5 year old voice.

I barely knew the words, just bits and pieces, but the song was stuck in my head
so I kept singing. Little did I know, it was Kelly's favorite song, and I was
butchering the words. After I had said "pack" three or four times, she had, had
enough.

"It's PACT, not pack. You and I must make a PACT" she screamed at me.

I think I called her a name, she called me a name, and we scuffled on the floor,
her pulling my hair and me biting her arm. And from the day on, well maybe the
next day, we were besties. How we became friends after that is still a mystery
me and her laugh about. Moral of the story was not to f*ck up Michael Jacksons
songs.

Thinking about our friendship made me want to tease her back.

"You and I must, make a PACK" I said into the phone.

"No you didn't. Girl, BYE" she barked.

"Love you".

"Love you too. Call me tomorrow".

I hung up grinning and laid in bed looking at the ceiling. It had taken me a while
to get use to the feel of my new bed. It wasn't shit compared to my bed back
home and it was squeaky. There was no way I could have sex in this thing and do
it on the low. Such a squeaky bed made me think it was designed that way. To be
a sex detector. Parents all over buying them up in droves.

Michelle was finishing up her Friday evening class. I didn't understand why she
had a class on a Friday, but maybe it was the nerd in her. I always thought I was
a school Nazi, but she took it to a new level. Waking up an hour early for a 6 am
class, studying extra diligently, and already trying to sign up for the School
Paper. I guess I both admired and pitied her. I was determined to be a straight A
student without doing half of that. I guess the school work just came more
natural to me.

Michelle came in the room and flopped right on her bed. Seeing her so exhausted
made me exhausted.

"Tired?" I asked.

"Tell me why I scheduled a Friday class" she said, defeated.

"Because you are Michelle" I laughed.

"Don't remind me" she hissed.

My phone went off, it was a text from my boyfriend Lyndell. I guess he was
technically my boyfriend, but in my heart, he was just that boy from back home
that I left there for a reason. I had avoided his calls all week, only texting him a
few times that I was busy from adjusting to school. He was starting to get on my
nerves with all of the text. Especially the ones that fished for me to tell him that I
loved him.

I opened my phone and saw it was yet another one of those text.

Received 8:56 PM: I miss u so much babe...hope ur 1st week was ok...luv u

I took a deep breath.

"Who is that?" Michelle asked.

"The boyfriend from home that I told you about" I said.

"You don't seem too excited to hear from him".

"Yeah I know. And I feel awful because of it".

"Just break up with him. The sooner the better" she encouraged.

Sent 8:58 PM: I miss u 2...

I sighed when I hit send. Not even a minute later, he was calling.

I decided to not be a total b*tch and answer.

"Hey".

"Hey. Can't believe I got you this time. So happy to hear your voice" he said.
"Sorry we haven't talked much this week. I just been really busy, Lyndell".

Michelle and I looked at each other, she shaking her head and me shrugging my
shoulders.

"It's fine baby, I understand. You are a college girl now and everything. You're
gonna be busy. Just as long as you ain't getting busy with no college guy" he
laughed, I guess joking about his not so funny insecurity.

"I'm not" I said simply.

Michelle was making gestures with her hands. I couldn't quite figure out what she
was trying to tell me. Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out.
Lydell was saying something, but I wasn't paying it any attention until I caught
the end.

"....how your week has been" he said.

I deduced that he was asking me to tell him how my week was, since he was
silent after his statement. But I was much more interested in seeing what the
grinning Michelle was trying to tell me. It seemed she was telling me to get off
the phone, while pointing to the clock.

"Um..babe. I gotta go. I got..some homework to do" I lied.

"Oh...ok. Well do your work. Just text me when you are done. I'll be up" he said.

"I might pull an all nighter though" I said.

"Well...just call me when you are done...k? I wanna talk to you. I'll be up".

"....Ok. I will" I said.

"Aight. I love you" he fished.

"Uhmm. Love you too" I said.

I hung up and felt terrible. Especially when I looked and saw Michelle shaking her
head at me.

"You are going to break that boys heart, girl" she said.

"I'm going to break it no matter what I do. Lose, lose. Maybe I can keep this up
until he cheats on me and then I won't feel bad for breaking up with him" I said
half joking. I would never want to be cheated on. I don't even know why I joked
about it.

"Anyway. I just remembered Chubbys is having a back to school party tonight. All
women get in free till 10" she said.

"What's that? A club?"

"Yeah. You ever been to one?" she asked.

"Michelle. I am 16. Remember?"

She laughed, "Oh yeah. Brain fart. I haven't never been to one either. Always
been curious about them though. I heard about it on my way to class".

"You trying to go?" I asked her.

"Only if you go with me" she said.

"How would I get in?" I asked.

"See Tip. He can get you in. He works there" she said.

"Tip? The Drug Dealer? How do you know?"

"That boys name rings bells around here. I just eavesdrop in classes and
someone is always talking about him. Who he done had sex with, who he done
sold weed to, a teacher usually, or some other crazy stuff."

I kicked the idea around in my head and pondered. I always did want to
experience a real life club. But I had also promised my family I would steer clear
of that atmosphere. Could I betray those words in just my first week away? Could
I not even hold off until the next semester? And did I really have to go see Tip to
get in? That seemed like too much work. Why would he do it for free? What would
he want from me in return?

"If you don't want to go, it's cool. Just was wondering if you wanted to do
something this Friday night. And if we went, we'd have to get ready now so we
can get in free".

I could either write my paper for Mr. Carters class that I had planned to do, or hit
the club with Michelle. I penciled in Michelle as the biggest nerd of us, but if I
would have chosen to write the paper, I would have been the certified geek. And I
wasn't going out like that. The two church girls, were going to the club.

We only had to ask one student in the dorm to get Tips phone number. I felt like
such an idiot calling him like this, especially since he told me I would be seeing
about him. But I didn't have time to dwell on it with Michelle watching. Tip picked
up on the first ring.

"Who dis?".
"Hi Tip. I don't know if you remember me. But this is Beyonce. I met you earlier
last week on the Set".

He remained silent at first, I guess running the memories through his head.

"Beyonce....Beyonce......oh...OH. 16? What's good with you shawty".

"Hey. I'm good. How are you?" I said, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm maintaining. So what's on your mind, 16? You called my hot line so I'm
assuming you looking for something".

"Yeah. Um. To the point, I heard that you could get me into the club Chubbys
because you work there".

"You heard I work there?" he laughed.

"You don't" I asked, looking directly at Michelle who was shrugging.

"Nah shawty. I work the club, but I don't have a position with their organization,
you feel me?"

"Oh. Ok. Well I am sorry for bothering you, then".

"When you trying to go? Tonight?" he asked.

"Yes".

"Ok, I got you. I don't work there but my podna does. He'll get you in. No
wristband too. You need anything else, 16?"

I chuckled, this was like ordering from a restaurant.

"Why you keep calling me 16?" .

"Oh that's my name for you now. Get use to it because it ain't changing. Even
when you turn 17 in September" he said.

Damn, how did he know all of that?

"Tell 17 I said hi, too. Even though she ain't 17" he chuckled in a high pitch voice.

"No, I don't need anything else. Just getting into the club, thank you" I said.

"Aight shawty. Ima call my nigga. He's the bouncer. Tell him your name is 16 and
he'll get you in".
"Ok. Thanks again, Tip" I said.

"No problem, beautiful."

I clicked my phone close. I felt dangerous, alive, and naughty. I had called a drug
dealer and he was going to pull some strings so I could get into a club. This was
too much fun. And it was only the first week. What more was in store from the
characters of Tip and Mr. Carter and even Michelle. I went to the club, danced my
ass off, and didn't think about Lyndell one time. I left Houston in Houston. This
was my new life.

Chapter 3

Momma forgive me, but as much as I love her cooking, I could not get enough of
the buffet style lunch and dinner in the dining hall. BBQ chicken one day,
meatloaf the next, and always with a strong helping of rice and cabbage and a
few rolls to boot. Knowing at any time in the day I could go and get my grub on
with my meal plan was about as mentally pleasing as a vibrator was physically
pleasing. I used it to my advantage eating as often and as much as I could
handle, with or without skinny Michelle at my side.

College life was still new to me and the friends didn't come as easy as I thought
they would. It's not like you just go up to someone, say hey, you're cool, and I
want you to be cool with me, and the next day you're officially in with the
exclusives. All I kept remembering was when Michelle had told me the Greeks ran
the school and if I really wanted to branch out and make friends quick, the
easiest, or most effective way would be to look into pledging.

A few of the popular girls of the school had spoken to Michelle and I in the dining
hall. Asked if we were interested in IGing, which I learned stood for Interested
Greek. You had to start IGing in order to go through the process of pledging for a
sorority. I was cautiously interested in it, but Michelle quickly turned it down. The
girls smiled, a truly stank smile, but left our table and moved on to the next one. I
knew i'd have to decide one way or the other if I was going to become IG.

I held off on using my credit card for a a week, but when Michelle mentioning
having to go to the mall, I was all on it. I bought a 400 dollars worth of clothes,
paid for lunch, and bought two new purses, and when I looked at all of my
receipts, I was sure I looked just like my dad the last time I saw him peep a bill. If
I wasn't more careful, I'd max on this card in less than a month. I had to become
more responsible or learn some self control, or something. Remember why you
are here Bee, is what I kept telling myself.

It didn't take long for me to get use to college, as far as the school work went. I
already had experience with intense course loads and lots of studying. I didn't
have to go through lousy public schools and become shell-shocked by the
transition to college, like so many other first year students. As the weeks passed,
I could tell which students would contribute to lowering the graduation rate and
which we destined to become alumni. Most of the classes shrunk by 30 percent
as kids either dropped the class or just stopped coming to class. While I knew I
probably could skip class and still do well, I attended because I actually enjoyed
the material.

I learned a lot in Criminal Justice, had some interesting reading assignments for
Lit, and even got a kick out of math, but the highlight of the week was definitely
Mr. Carters class. He always had some out of left field scenario for us to debate
over, like abortion and water-boarding. The fact that he would never tell us if he
actually was a former drug dealer only added to the allure of it all.

While my other classes started getting smaller the more I went, Mr. C's class
remained full. The conversations were too lively and the teacher to engaging for
us to skip or drop. And I soon learned, Mr. C wasn't the only reason to attend the
class. Some of the students were hilarious characters themselves. Aside from
Day-Day and other niggas with attitude, there were the overzealous nerds like
Michelle and then the flirty girls always trying to slide in some innuendo. This
prompted a discussion on the ethics of Faculty/Student dating.

Everyone seemed to have an opinion about this one, and unlike most of our
debates it seemed to be cut right down the middle. Half of the class felt it was
unethical while the other half felt it was ethically fine. While everyone chimed, I
sat and observed. It was all so fascinating watching them debate with such
furious passion. I had a hard time picking a side because each argument was
convincing to me.

This kid Jarvis in particular seemed to have the most sound and rational points.

"Check it. You teach Philosophy, right Mr. C?"

"I do".

"Well just look at the Greeks. Them cats actually had names for the male
teachers that were sleeping with the students. I forget the name, what were
they?"

Mr. Carter chuckled.

"Pederasty. I follow you. Your point?" he said.

Jarvis smiled, "My point is, education included sex with teachers. It was their way
of life. And no one blinked an eye to it, even the cats like Socrates and Plato, and
the other dudes who were creating the principles of ethics. If the creators of
ethics had no issue with it, why should we? It's all relative and it works on a
sliding scale. We only think a teacher messing with a student nowadays is wrong
because of a broken moral compass".

"First off Jarvis. They didn't create ethics. You can't create ethics, only attempt to
label the terms. Secondly, what makes you say the compass is broken? Maybe
the Greek way of ethics was antiquated."

"It's broken because it doesn't work but except two times a day like a clock. It's
why a female having sex with her male teacher makes the man a monster but a
dude having sex with the female teacher makes the dude the man. You tell me
what's outdated".

The students clapped when Jarvis was finished. He was obviously a smart guy,
but what we loved most about him was his humor and how he could have us
crying from laughter. He was so arrogant and brash, but it was that heartless
arrogance along with his quick wit and deep intelligence that we all loved.

"So the rapper Camron said if he lived next door to a Serial Killer, he wouldn't
snitch, he'd just move. Unethical?"

"I think it's unethical for the news reporters to seek out the most ignorant people
that can find to help speak for a culture. I mean, who cares about the opinion of
some rapper who wears pink and says no homo?" Jarvis said.

"Still didn't answer the question, Jarvis. Is it unethical for Camron to move his
family instead of telling the police?"
"No. It's the natural order of life. Survival of the fittest."

"Could he have not called the police and tipped them and still protected his
own?" Mr. Carter asked.

"You can use a lighter to start a fire or rub wood together. Two different choices,
but is a lot more convenient than the other" he responded, chuckling.

And that is the type of debater Jarvis was. We'd end up going in circles because
of his ability to keep pulling up analogies and forcing us to reword, rephrase, or
reinterpret a situation. I believe Mr. Carter both loved and hated him for it.

Everyone seemed to always find a way to hop in the debates, but I mostly
remained silent. I wasn't use to participating in group discussions or debates. My
class room sessions were one on one with my tutor. This class was a free for all,
royal rumble. I didn't even know the man knew my name until one day as I was
leaving class he gave me a suggestion.

"Try being more vocal Miss. Knowles. I'd love to hear your thoughts on these
subjects" he said.

I was startled to hear him speak my name and tell me to participate more. And
surprisingly, my heart had dropped when I heard my name roll off his tongue. I
didn't know how really to respond to him, so I nodded my head and walked out of
the classroom. As with most classes, a few students stayed behind and chatted
with him, Michelle being one of them.

I was hungry and was going to the dining hall to get something when I heard a
voice from the side of me.

"You like Mr. C's class?"

I turned and it was Jarvis.

"Yeah. It's different" I responded.

"Shit. You got that right" he said.

"I really enjoy some of your thoughts on the topics. Really funny and really true a
lot of the times" I said as we walked.

"Well thanks. I try. Why come you don't be speaking up? I'd think you had a
wealth of info to share" he said.

"Why do you say that?"

"Aren't you the home schooled girl? If you could be in college at 16, you must be
smart as hell".

Damn, was it common knowledge that I was home schooled and only 16?

"How did you know all that?" I pressed.

"Oh it's going around. A lot of guys, well and the girls, are talking about you. You
got fans...and some haters... I will say that".

"Hater?"

"Yeah don't be surprised. You are a pretty girl, smart, and got a nice shape. The
hos is jealous and the niggas wanna hit. It is what it is" he laughed.

"Is that so? Is that what you want too?" I rolled my eyes.

He laughed hard at this as we entered the hall and made our way over to the
buffet line.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"You thinking I want you" he said like it wasn't as piercing as it was.

I turned around in shock at how bold and rude that was. I didn't even know how
to respond to such a thing. Just initiate convo and then diss me like that? What an
asshole.

"Girl don't take it personal. I think you are gorgeous. It's just not physically
possible for me to want you" he said.

I didn't quite understand where he was going, so I didn't say anything, just
grabbed a plate and kept walking down the line. Still, he had my attention and I
was waiting for him to clarify.

"Wow. You really can't tell, can you?" he asked.

"Tell what?"

"That I'm ghay" he laughed.

I nearly dropped my plate when he said this. I did a double take to see if he was
serious. Even though he was grinning, his words seemed to still be full of
honesty, not jokes. Damn, I had never noticed or even thought about him being
ghay.

"Oh wow. I honestly didn't know" I said, embarrassed.

"Don't be shocked. It's not a secret or anything. Just figured your ghaydar would
have went off by now. But I will chalk that up to the home schooling" he laughed.

We got our food and made our way to an empty table, he seemed head-bent on
us keeping up this conversation. But I didn't mind the company, especially after
the realization that the dude was a homosexual. I didn't know any real life ones.

"Honestly Jarvis, I come from a very strict Christian home. So I was kind of taken
back by you saying that" I said.

"It's cool. Christian huh? So am I going to hell?" he grinned.

"That is between YOU and GOD" I grinned back.

"Nah. I want to hear your opinion. Mr. C did say for us to be strong in our
convictions. So what you say? Are ghays the devil?"

I picked at my food and tried to find the right words for him, so he wouldn't be
offended. He seemed like a cool guy, why would I alienate myself from him by
talking against his sexuality? I never really cared one way or the other if someone
was a homosexual, that was my daddy always talking about them being destined
for hellfire and brimestone. But I wasn't around my daddy anymore. I didn't have
to regurgitate what I had been spoon fed as a church girl.

"I really don't think it's wrong or anything. I've just never really met someone
that was like that".

"Like what?"

"Come on Jarvis, you know what I'm getting at".

He laughed and stuffed a buttered roll into his mouth.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just messing with you. I know a lot of people feel some way
about it. Hell, my dad is a pastor".

"Wow really? My dad is a deacon".

He laughed, "well you see where I'm coming from then. Always hard for a church
kid to come out of that shell and be something other than what their parents
want".

"How did your parents take it? When you came out?"

He took a sip of his Sprite and made the face that people make when the soda
first hits them. I took a sip of soda as well.

"Let's just say the biggest sin in the world for a black man is to be ghay. Worst
than rape, murder, stealing and all that. Let a black dude boast about killing
someone and he is immortalized, like tupac and them. Let a black man talk about
loving other black men and he is the devil himself. I'll be in hell with the other
sinners" he said, more jokingly than his words would have suggested.

I understand he was going for sarcasm, but I felt the piercing pain in what he was
saying. I decided that I wasn't going to be that person.

Jarvis and I ate lunch and was joined shortly by Michelle. We all talked about how
much we were feeling Carters class and then we talked about what we had wrote
for our first essay. Michelle wrote that him being a former drug dealer wouldn't
hurt his credibility, while Jarvis wrote that it did hurt his credibility. I was with
Michelle on the subject, but I found myself waffling in my opinion after hearing
Jarvis speak his mind. One thing I loved about him on just my first time really
talking to him was he was very passionate and blunt. He said what he had to say
and made no apologies for it, regardless of how aggressive or politically incorrect
it was.

But he did it with such flare that it usually would provoke laughter instead of any
ill feelings. Even when he spoke out against Christianity, I found myself as a
Christian laughing at what he had to say instead of being defensive. There was a
certain charm about someone that could verbally chide you and still make you
love them. Jarvis was that guy.

As we sat and talked, I realized that as much as I liked hanging with Michelle,
Jarvis was on a different level. He would be someone I'd want to hang out with on
the Set and just listen to him talk. That is eventually what happened in the
coming weeks. He and I went to the movies, studied together, and I even came to
his dorm a few times. The no guy rule was much stricter in my building, but it
wasn't no thing for the boys to help sneak girls into their dorms.

What made me so comfortable was I knew Jarvis didn't want me in anyway, other
than someone to joke and shoot the shit with. The only male I had ever been
around consistently was my daddy, and he was a stark opposite of him, maybe
that it why I was so drawn into him. We became friends quick, him the loud
mouth, opinionated, arrogant, conceited, male and me the shy, soft spoken, laid
back, gal. Although opposites, we clicked.

Lyndell had been pressing me about calling him more often and I was really
getting to the point where I was going to break up with him. He was needy and
starting to get really jealous and possessive, always accusing me of cheating on
him with some college guy. While I had been thinking of breaking things off with
him officially, I wasn't cheating. I was spending too much time doing school work
and hanging with Michelle and Jarvis to be cheating with any guys. Word got
around quick that the fresh meat in Diamond Hall was only 16. I still got the
stares from the guys, but not nearly as many of them were stepping to me.

To celebrate the halfway point in the semester, Jarvis and I went out to Chubbs,
where once again the bouncer let me in. That club was as hood as you could get,
and that was probably why I liked it so much. The loud outfits, the loud booty
shaking music, the loud smells and loud people. This was why I had come to this
school. To be close to my people. And in the club, Jarvis was my bodyguard. He
allowed me to dance with whomever I pleased, but his presence there made it to
where no guys were going to take advantage of me.

That was the thing about having a platonic male friend that wasn't trying to f*ck
you on the sly. They would look out for you like a lil sister. Female friends were
cool and everything, but many times they were more concerned about getting
theirs than making sure you weren't getting taken advantage of. When I first
went to the club with Michelle, she pretty much did all the watching while I did all
the dancing. I had to make her come to the dance floor to dance with me
because she was taking it all in like she was a reporter instead of a college girl
having fun. It kind of became a burden making sure she was having fun.

Not with Jarvis though. He'd booty dance and grind on me for one song, laughing
and cutting up the entire time, and making fun of people in my ear on the next
song, keeping me laughing the entire time. He was fun to be around. I
appreciated how he could make things fun. It was why after the club, when he
invited me back to his dorm, I accepted.
It was around 1, I had missed calls from Lyndell and my daddy, but I wasn't ready
to turn in and call it a night. He wasn't either, as he pulled out some beers and
sat on his bed when we came in. I'd never taken a drink before in my entire life.
But something in me told me that I was going to drink my first beer that night.

"Bee. Where the hell you learn how to shake your ass like that? Not in them
pews" he grinned.

"My sister and I watched BET all the time. We learned a lil something something
from them Ciara videos. But I should be asking where did YOU learn how to shake
yours".

He cracked open one beer and handed it to me. I took it instinctively, before my
mind even wrapped itself around the concept.

"I got all sisters too. Older sisters. They taught me a thing or two" he said before
cracking open his beer.

He immediately took some down, making the same face he had made when
taking down a Sprite. I looked down at the can in my hand. The smell was already
coming out and it wasn't very pleasant. I hoped this shit didn't taste disgusting.

"I keep on forgetting your age, mama. You ever drank before?" he asked.

"Nope. Closest to alcohol I ever had was when my grandma would put some in
her chicken" I said.

He laughed.

"Aww shit. Well you ain't got to drink it if you don't want to".

"But I kinda do want to" I said.

He lifted up his hands, motioning for me to be his guest, and i looked back down
at the can. I slowly brought the can to my mouth, slowly tilting it so the beer
could touch my lips. I tried to anticipate a taste. I tried to prepare for the worst as
I started drinking down what filled my mouth, still not yet tasting anything. When
I dropped the can, swallowed, and assessed, the taste hit me. So this was beer? I
frowned my face and started laughing.

"Eww. Yaw actually like dis stuff?" I said.

He laughed and sipped some more of his.

"You'll get use to it. It's an acquired taste. Even sex sucks the first time."

I walked over to his bed and sat down.

"And how would you know?" I asked him playfully.

"Trust me, I know" he replied, in between sips.

"I'd imagine that it would hurt" I said, immediately imagining a guy getting
pounded in his ass. Frightening. I frowned my face up when thinking about it.

He laughed some more and finished off his beer, tossing the can in the trashcan
on the side of his bed and then laying back on his bed. I wasn't even halfway
done with mine, only taking small sips, but I decided to take a big gulp so the
damn thing could hurry up and empty out. He laughed at my attempt to finish it
off.

"Slow down, virgin" he said.

"How do YOU know I am a virgin?" I asked, bitterly.

"Well, I was talking about you being a virgin to alcohol. But I know your ass is a
virgin to sex too. It's so obvious".

"Why is it obvious? I could have been the church ho for all you know".

"Nah, if you was a ho, I would know. I got ho radar. I got a good ghaydar too.
Trust me, let me hang around anyone for five minutes and I'll tell you if they are
ghay or a ho" he said.

"Sounds like you are judgmental as hell then" I shot.

"Oh I am. I judge the shit out of people. And just know that I know you ain't no ho.
You one of those prudes though" he shot back.

"Nigga please. A prude?".

"Yep. Don't get mad. You know it's true. I still love you though" he laughed.

I shook my head and finished off the beer, tossing it in his trash.

"Want another?" he asked.

"How many does it take for someone to get drunk?" I asked.

He ignored my question, reached in his mini fridge and pulled out two more
beers, smiling as he handed me one. I took it, cracked it, and put it to my lips,
still looking at him.

"So tell me about sex with a guy" I asked, dropping my heels on the floor and
sitting indian style on his bed. He was laying on his back on the far end staring at
the ceiling.

"I've never had sex with a guy" he said.

Wait what? I didn't quite understand.

"I lost my virginity to the chick I went to junior prom with" he said,

"Did she know....you..were?"

"Ghay? Nah. No one ain't know for sure. She had the biggest crush on me for a
few years so I let her ass take me to prom" he grinned before turning serious.

"I could barely even get up the night it happened though. I think that is when I
really knew. I was ghay. Not straight. Not bi. But ghay. She was one of the finest
girls in the school. But naked in front of me. And I had to think about 50 Cent for
my dick to get hard".

I couldn't help but giggle at this.

"Ugh, 50? Nasty".

"The nigga is kind of ugly in the face. But that body is something serious. I was
thinking bout them bullet wounds in his chest when I was rubbing on hers" he
said.

"Did you even cum?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Nah. I couldn't. I felt so out of place. She was a good sport about it though."

"Wow. I can't even imagine. How you know you would like sex with a guy though
if you've never done it?" I asked.

He repositioned himself on the bed and then looked at me.

"How would YOU know you would like sex with a guy if you ain't never did it, Bee?
Sexuality aint based on experience, you feel me? I know what I like".

I thought about his response and accepted it as real shit. But 50 cent though?

"Yeah, you like ugly ass 50" I shuttered.

"I like alot of the thug guys. I don't know why, I just do. I don't like guys that act
like women. I mean being ghay doesn't mean you want to be a woman. I'm a
man, love being a man, and just happen to love men too. It is what it is".

"Have you ever kissed a guy or anything before at all?"

This question seemed to catch him off guard. He has been so open and natural
with answering questions about this so far. But his demeanor changed when I
asked about him kissing a guy. I wondered if maybe I had hit an open wound or
something.

"Was that the wrong question to ask?.

"Nah, you're good. Just thinking about it. And thinking how to tell you" he said.

"Do you want to tell me?" I asked.

"I do. I trust you, for what it's worth. I have just never told anyone this story. Not
even my friends back home. Just trying to justify telling some 16 year old prude"
he laughed.

"I resent that, Jarvis" I smiled.

"Ok. So peep it. I was a freshman in HS. On the football team because my daddy
wanted me in sports. Wanted my ass to get a scholarship so he wouldn't have to
front the cost. Well just know, for me, a 14 year old dude unsure of his sexuality,
being around all of those naked dudes in the locker room opened up pandoras
box. Fantasies and more fantasies, you feel me? I ain't know how to take it cuz I
was embarrassed".

"I can only imagine. I'd go crazy if I was in the Houston Texan locker room when
they were showering. Wheww" I said, fanning myself and trying to keep this light
hearted.

I think he appreciated it because he laughed.

"Yeah. Well as you could imagine, by the middle of the season, I was confused as
hell. I wanted to be straight, really, really wanted to not have the thoughts I was
having. But I was going through puberty, and I couldn't stop the emotions and
sexual thoughts. So I started...."

He sighed and looked over at me.

"Started what?"

"This is really embarrassing" he laughed.

"Go ahead and say it" I pleaded.

"I don't know, yo. If I tell you this, then you are gonna have it over me. I don't
know about all that".

"Don't you trust me? Agh. Ok, well how about this. You tell your embarrassing
story, and I will share one about me. Deal?".
"It gotta be a SEXUAL embarrassing story. Not something like you tripped and fell
or some shit."

"Oh trust me, Jarvis. The story I have in mind, is super embarrassing. I have
never told it to anyone".

He reached over for his fridge and pulled out two more beers.

"Aight. Deal" he smiled.

He cracked open his beer, took a long and hard sip, and then burped. I cracked
mine open and awaited his reveal.

"Ok. So I didn't play on the team. I'm not all that athletic. I was blessed with good
looks and intelligence so God couldn't give me everything" he joked.

I shook my head and sipped.

"So I would be on the sidelines during practice. Well, this one particular day I was
horny as hell. Like, it just couldn't be contained. I didn't even wear my jock strap.
My dick was hard enough to cut diamonds, I tell you. And for some reason, on
this day the damn coach actually wants me to step in and practice. So my small
ass it put in at running back and they give me the ball, where I run two feet and
get gang tackled by five or six sweaty ass niggas."

"I bet you loved that" I joked.

"Nah but listen. That shit hurt. It wasn't much of a turn on. I ain't wanna be
tackled. So the next time I got the ball, I ran hard as hell to avoid being smashed
by them niggas. And can you f*cking believe it, I scored a damn touchdown. So
i'm like, damn, I actually did good? And the finest nigga on the team. I mean, tall,
chocolate, handsome, star QB, comes up to me and pats me on the ass, talking
about 'good run'. My erection had never been as hard as it was that moment" he
said, shaking his own head.

"Aww. So what you do that was so embarrassing?"

"I told the coach I had to use the bathroom. I went to the lockers, dropped my
pants, and starting jacking off. I had to get that release because I couldn't hold it
anymore. I was past gone. I don't know what it was. But the dirty smell of the
locker room along with the adrenaline of me scoring a touch down and the
Quarterback patting my ass, it was enough for me to nut a waterfall".

I burst out laughing at his confession, thinking it was done. But it wasn't.

"So I'm butt naked in the locker room jacking off"

"Wait, you were naked?"

"Yeah, my pads were in the way. They had to go. And as Im doing it, someone
walks in. I grab my pads and run my black ass to the bathroom stall. I ran ever
faster than what I scored that TD. But whoever walked in had saw me running. I
wanted to f*cking cry. I was in the stall knowing I had been caught but not
knowing who had seen me. Turned out it was the Quarterback."

"Oh wow? WHat he say?"

"He didn't say shit. He left. He didn't even mention it until after the season was
over, when the coaches took us all out for pizza. I was taking a piss in the
bathroom and he came in and started pissing right next to my urinal. I look over
at him, he looks over at me. We give each other a nod. I'm nervous as hell,
butterflies and shit because I have the biggest crush on him and I know he saw
me that day at practice. And out of nowhere, he brings it up."

"Brings up what?"

"The day he caught me in the locker room. He says he couldn't believe it and
whatnot. And this was while we were pissing mind you. I didn't even know what
to say. I just shut my mouth".

"And I know that must be hard for you. To keep that mouth closed".

"Oh shut up" he laughed.

"Damn though. He just brings it up while yall are peeing?"

"Yeah. And then some other cats walked in and we both finished without another
word. We ate pizza and everything but I felt weird the entire night. Afterward, he
offered me a ride home since my dad was late picking me up. And well. That was
the night I had my first kiss"

"He kissed you?"

"Yeah. It's really hard to even explain what led up to it because it caught me off
guard. We were just talking about the season and stuff and he brought up the
day in the locker room again. And he was looking at me and I was looking at him.
And well? He kissed my ass."

"You kiss back?" I asked.

"I was too shocked too."

"Oh wow. So whatever happened with yall?"

"Me and him messed around for the next four years. I pretty much fell in love
with the dude. We'd fool around, but he never wanted to take it past that. We'd
kiss and touch each other and stuff but that was it. He would always say he
wasn't ghay, and I'd say I wasn't ghay too. He had this enormous rep to keep up.
Funny thing is, I see him on TV all the time now. He is a QB for a college football
team now".

"Do you guys still talk?"

"I hit him up on facebook and myspace a few months ago but he never accepted
me. Kind of like him never accepting his sexuality. He pretty much broke things
off with us after prom our senior year when I gave him head. First and only time
that happened. And yeah. Now I am totally embarrassed after telling that story"
he said, closing his eyes, smiling extra hard, and reaching for his beer.

"Aww. Jarvis. Your HS sweetheart was an asshole. I can see why you wouldn't
have told that story before. But it's really nothing to be ashamed about. He is the
one that is f*cked up."

"Yeah, but it still hurt, you know? Anyway, I'm over it. Moved on. But its kind of
hard to find guys that are not queens and aren't on the DL. I mean, it's easy
enough to find guys that live so called straight lives but still f*ck with niggas. But
it's hard to find a regular guy who doesn't want to be a woman but isn't afraid of
admitting he is ghay. It's pretty much why I'm single. I refuse to get my heart
wrapped up in that shit again".

"I feel you, booboo. That's crazy, though. I'm glad you told me".

"Oh I ain't tell your ass all that for the heck of it. Now you have to yell me your
embarrassing story" he said, totally serious.

I looked at my unfinished beer, still not quite use to the taste, and frowned my
face as I took a large sip.

"And don't get all drunk before you tell me. I want you coherent and sober, miss
Beyonce".

"Ima tell you. I just have to prepare myself. This is REALLY embarrassing for a
girl" I said.

"No more embarrassing than what I told you as a guy. Trust me" he argued.

"Ok. So I have been dating this guy back home for a while now. We say we've
been dating for four years but we broke up a few times inbetween then."

"What yall broke up for?"

"I don't even remember. Stupid stuff, really. Like he didn't call me enough or
some other high school stuff".
"Very high schoolish" he agreed.

"But anyway. One time, we broke up or whatever but my sister wanted to go on a

double date. And I didn't have a date, so she got her boyfriend to bring a friend
along. Well, the dude he brought was FINE. He was an older guy. I was really
nervous. We ended up going to play minerature golf and it was really hot. Like 90
degrees outside. We were sweating something fierce."

"Sweating? I think I know where this may be going".

"Stop" I laughed, "Well if you know then it ain't no use in me telling".

"Nah, you gon tell. Go ahead".

"Anyway. After that, we went to the movies, sat in the back. Solo and her date
were kissing.."

"Who is Solo?"

"My sister. Her name is Solange. We call her Solo".

"You and these names. Beyonce and Solange. The hell wrong with yo momma?"

"Don't talk about MY momma, Jarvis. "

"Finish your story, Bee" he grinned.

"Anyway. I was really mad at Lyndell for whatever reason so I was going to get
him back by messing around with the other guy. I wasn't going to f*ck him or
anything. But I kissed him and I let him suck my titties and everything".

He raised his eyebrow as if the story had gotten a lot more interesting.

"What titties?" he teased.

"You know what? I begin.

"I'm joking with you girl" he started laughing.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm not telling you, so keep on joking".

He tried to halt his laughing, "Bee I'm just playing with you. You got nice titties.
Plus, they still growing, hopefully" he said before laughing some more.

I ain't wanna laugh, but maybe it was the buzz I was starting to get, but I
chuckled anyway. Bastard.
"Can I please finish?" I said.

"You may, you may. I'll shut up now".

"Ok. So. Me and the guy. At the movies. Kissing. Touching. And he tells me he
wants to finger me. Now, I have never let a guy finger me before. But, I guess I
was curious about it, so I decided to let him try. I wasn't thinking. I was kinda
horny and I was still mad from earlier in the day, so I let him. He put his hands in
my pants and you know...did what he did...and...see, now I am embarrassed".

"DONT BE, girl. TELL me THIS SHIT!" he said loudly.

"Jarvis. You better not ever tell a soul what I am about to tell you. You're not even
allowed to think about it past tonight. Promise me, this shit is between us" I said,
worriedly.

"You got my word, Bee. Real talk. Between me and you" he said, this time
appearing serious.

"Ok. Soooo. After a few minutes of...touching my special place".

He rolled his eyes, "Lawd".

"We both kind of start...to smell something. Sort of smells like popcorn, but ain't
none of us have no popcorn. I smell it and I got this empty feeling in the bottom
of my stomach. He is like 'anyone smell dat?' and I move his hands from inside of
my pants".

A thick ass smile appeared across his face, but I continued, just ready to finish
the damn story.

"And Solo and the guy are looking around like 'smell what' and then the guy
looked at me. And I guess he saw the look in my face or something because he
put his finger to his nose. And well yeah. The most embarrassing night of my life
was cemented".

These words caused Jarvis to fall out of the bed, hit is head on his night stand,
and nearly chock on his own saliva from laughing so hard. I couldn't do anything
but sit there and take it all in. Yeah, it was embarrassing. Yeah, I had been
caught off guard. But everyone had at least one story like this to share, right?
Right?

"Well that is the ONLY time I have been caught being musky down there. I make
sure of that now. And stop laughing, it ain't THAT funny."

I couldn't see him, he was on the floor on the other side of the bed still laughing
but after a few more moments of his non-stop ugly ass laughing, they began to
subside and he put his chin on the bed, looking directly at me.
"I was wrong about you girl. My radar was off" he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You let the guy get the goods on the first date? Had him fingering your sour
pussy and sucking your mosquito bites, on the first date? Damn. And here I was
thinking you were a prude. Nah, you are definitely a ho".

I couldn't believe he was going in on me like that. Especially after I had been
sensitive to his reveal. Niggas.

"Oh don't take it to heart Bee. I love you. You're my girl. But facts are facts. I love
hos and prudes, so don't worry. But that was some ho shit. Just like me beating
off in the locker room was some ho shit. Embrace your ho side, don't be shame"
he laughed.

"I don't know whether to be offended right now or what" I said, sighing.

"You should know me by now that I am blunt. Maybe even to a fault. I'm not
saying anything to offend you, I'm just being 100% honest 100% of the time.
Trust me. I don't say it to be an ass. But hey, you got something on me, and now
I know you have stank coochie sometime. We're even" he said, with a smile.

"My coochie is fresh and lovely. That was one of those once a lifetime tragedies" I
smiled at him.

"I hope so. I don't want to have to bust up a b*tch for talking bad about my
Beyonce. Make sure that NEVER happens on this campus, because you'll never
hear the end of it".

"Oh you ain't have to tell me that. I made a mistake, we learn from mistakes. You
just try not to get caught beating off in the football locker room again, k?"

"Oh so it's like that?" he laughed.

"Yep. And at least I ain't get dumped after sucking dick. So HA" I shot.

"You ruthless, cold, cunning, trifling, B*TCH" he laughed.

"Give me another beer" I demanded.

And this was life hanging with Jarvis. You never knew what we were going to talk
about next.

Chapter 4
I couldn't believe my f*cking eyes. How could he? How was this even possible?
C-? Not just a C, but to add insult to injury, there was a minus next to it. I just
stared at the paper in disbelief waiting for the punchline for this cruel joke to kick
in. How did I get a C- on my paper? I typed up a 5 page essay, used impeccable
grammar, and answered his stupid ass question, and I got a C-? This made no
sense to me. I turned to the last page where written in red, Mr. Carter wrote

"I need more conviction from you, Miss Knowles".

That was all the critique I got? What the hell did that even mean? What an
asshole teacher. I sat on the bench and tried to understand how I had gotten
such a poor grade on my first essay for Mr. Carters class. I had never gotten
anything below a A in my LIFE. Never. And my first grade was a C. C meant
average, C- must mean almost below average. I couldn't believe it. I was almost
below average. This wasn't fair.

"What did you get?" Michelle asked as she sat down next to me on the bench
right outside of the class building.

I didn't say anything.

"What did you get?" I asked, instead.

"I got a A. Said he loved my conviction. I was afraid I'd get a lower grade than
you because I remember your essay was 5 pages. Mine was only 3" she said full
of the relief you get after you make a great grade.

"So what did you get, Bee?" she asked again.

I rolled my eyes and showed her my paper, looking straight ahead to avoid the
look of surprise I was sure that was going to invade her face.

"Oh. Hm. Well, it's only one paper, girl. Don't be down. Did he tell you why it was
a C?"
"He said I needed stronger conviction" I barked.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Exactly. I don't even know".

"Well you could go ask him. He is always encouraging students to talk to him
after classes and stuff. I'm sure he'd go over it with you".

I didn't say anything. I was angry and really was just wanting to be left alone.

"Well suit yourself, Bee. But you need to interact with your professors more. You
get more out of the class by participating more. I'm about to go to the mall. You
wanna come?" she asked.

"No. I'm fine" I said bluntly.

"Okay....well I will see you later" she said, before turning and walking away.

I just sat and wondered if my GPA would forever be destroyed because of a C on

my first assignment. I had been so confident in the quality of my paper. I thought
it was well rounded and an easy A. How in the world did Michelle get a A with less
pages yet I got a C? Was it because her ass was a teachers pet always trying to
stay after and talk to him? That had to be. The asshole must only give good
grades to those that try to get in cool with him. That was the only logical
explanation for why I had gotten a stupid C. It HAD to be the reason.

"What's good Shawty" I heard from my side, immediately recognizing the voice.

When I spoke, it was then I noticed my eyes were teary and I was on the verge of
crying. My "hey" sounded pitiful as it escaped from my lips. I didn't mean for him
or anyone to see me like this. I had to snap out of it quick.

"What's wrong with you? You ok?" he said, taking a seat on the bench next to me.

"I'm fine" I said, quickly trying to get my voice back to normal.

It didn't work. He saw right through me. And I could sense he would be prying to
get the truth out.

"Come on 16. Wassup? Can't be just sitting around crying and not expect for me
to see if you're aight. It ain't guy trouble, is it?"

"No".

"You homesick?"
"No".

"You gonna tell me?"

"No" I smiled, trying to make a joke of the repetition.

It was then, he noticed my paper in my hand and the big fat red C- on it.

"Wait a minute. Is this why you're over here crying? Over a C?"

"No" I said louder than any of the other times I had said no, which confirmed that
it was the reason.

He grabbed my paper out of my hand, shielded me from trying to grab it and

flipped to the last page, reading Mr. C's critique to me.

"Damn. In Mr. C's class? I remember getting all A's in his class."

My feelings were even more hurt in hearing this.

"But is this why you're really over here crying?" he asked.

"I've never gotten a C before, ok? I'm just not use to bad grades".

"Oh my God. It is NOT funny" I said, truly not appreciating him laughing his ass
off over my misfortune.

"Nah Shawty" he said, trying to stop the laughter, "I ain't trying to laugh. But it's
just interesting seeing you so tore up over it. A C ain't really a bad grade. Ain't a
good grade, but it ain't bad. But I do forget, your home schooling schedule makes
you a different breed from the regular public school folk out chere".

"Ok, well whatever. I'm mad I got a C. Sue me".

"Looka here Shawty. Let me take you out tonight to help you get your mind off
this C minus".

"Tip. I have a boyfriend and I am only-"

"You're 16. I know this. I'm 19. I'm taking you out, to get out, not on a date. Trust
me. You'll get your mind off your failure" he grinned.

"Where would we go?"

"Out. Bring 17 along. We'll make it a group thing. Have some fun. You'll be back
in before your normal bedtime" he said.

It sounded like fun, as much as I hated to admit it. There was something about
his confidence and southern drawl that had me going. I was a southern belle, for
sure, but his accent was so deep and sexy, and his laugh so dangerous and lush,
I couldn't see myself saying no. And when my mouth did open, I had accepted his
offer, without thinking of any of the layers surrounding such a decision. First, I
had to convince homebody Michelle to go with me, and second, I had to justify it
to myself that it wasn't a date. The ladder ended up being more easy than the
former.

"Michelle, please. It's not even a date. We're just going out and chilling".

"Where would we be going?" she asked, arms folded.

"Wel....he didn't tell me. But he told me it wouldn't be a date".

"Beyonce. That is game he is running. Of course he would say it's not a date.
That's the number one thing they say when you say you have a boyfriend back
home. They say it to not make you feel bad about doing something that you
know is cheating".

"But it's not cheating, Michelle. I'm just hanging out. Is it cheating when I hang
out with Jarvis?"

"That boy is a faggot. That is different" she said harshly.

"Well it's not for me. I can have platonic friends and just hang out".

"Then why you need me for?"

"Because I thought we were friends and cool all hang out together" I said, pinning
her against a corner with my words.

She didn't immediately respond after this, I could see her weighing the words. I
could tell she felt this was a test of our new friendship, seeing if we could have
each others back and sacrifice. It was a truly selfish move on my part to bring
friendship into it, but hey, I wanted to go out. If a passive aggressive ultimatum
would ultimately decide if I'd go or not, then ultimatum it is.

"Michelle, if you don't want to then nevermind. I will just go by myself" I sighed,
adding more fuel to the fire by trying to guilt her into accepting.

"No you aren't" she said.

"I consider you my responsibility since you are a minor. I ain't gonna let you just
go out with someone like him by yourself. But just know. I am doing this for you,
not him and not for me. For YOU. Ok Bee?"

"And I appreciate it for real" I said.

"Yeah, yeah. Let me take a shower so I can get ready".

I wanted to discuss my grade with Mr. Carter so I made the short walk to his
office while Kelly got ready for our not-a-date outing. When I got there, there was
a waiting line, mostly women, that stretched out into the hallway. Damn. There
was no way I could wait in this long line to talk to this man. I decided I'd try to
talk to him on the next class, which meant going an entire weekend with this
irritating C minus on my mind. Hopefully, Tip would work his magic and make me
forget.

**

"Come on Michelle, it wasn't that bad" I laughed, as we made our way into the
dorm after our outing with Tip and his friend.

She hissed, "Girl, the only person that enjoyed the outing was you and Tip. I
wasn't into that dude. I mean, what kind of name is Smurf? Is it cuz he is as tall
as a smurf? I'm like 5 inches taller than him. No. I won't ever go on a blind date
again" she went on.

I giggled, because it was funny but true.

"Well don't look at it like a date. Just four friends bowling" I argued.

"Friends? Wasn't nothing 'friendly' about this. The guy couldn't even remember
my name. He kept calling me 17 for goodness sake" she complained.

This sent us both into laughter, except hers was out of frustration.

"Aww. Well thanks for coming with me. I know you didn't enjoy it but I'm glad you
still suffered through it anyway" I said, calming down.

"You don't have to thank me, girl. But your next date with Tip is going to have to
be solo, cuz I can't do that again" she chuckled.
"Next date? Hm. I don't know about that. I really just used this one to help get my
mind off that C. Mission accomplished".

She eyed me.

"I don't believe that. I could tell with the way you were smiling around him that
you really liked him. And surprisingly, he seemed like an okay guy. More of a
gentleman that I thought. I think there will be a second date".

"You think?" I asked.

"I sure do, 16" she giggled.

"Ok now. Don't make me call Smurf for you, 17" I said.

Michelle and I took showers, and relaxed, laying in our beds with the main lights
off, the TV providing the only light in the room. The weekend was soon
approaching as well as the end of the semester. It didn't seem like it, but we had
grown as decent friends in the few months we had known each other. But there
were some basic things we still didn't know about each other. Jarvis knew more
intimate details about me than she did, and she was my roomate! This had to
change. I was determined for us to become closer.

"Shell?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?" she said, half sleepy.

"You ever been in love?" I asked.

"With a guy?"

"No, another woman" I said sarcastically, before giggling, "Yeah. A guy".

"That's kind of personal, Bee".

"Too personal to share with me?" I asked.

"No. Not necessarily. I'm just not completely over it yet. But yes. I've been in love
and had my heart broken because of it. Why?"

"Just asking, no real reason" I said.

"Why? Have you ever been in love?"

"No. I haven't" I replied, "What's it like?"

Silence followed, an awkward silence that was only halted by the sound of
another commercial from the TV. I wondered if she heard my question.

"You heard me?" I asked.

"Yes. I'm trying trying to think of how to describe it to someone that has never
experienced it. It's kind of like trying to describe yellow to a blind man" she said,
laughing afterward.

"Ok. Being in love is like the same feeling you get after writing a paper and
getting back a perfect grade. It's like when writing and having all of the perfect
words come to you. Effortless. Being in love is like taking every happy moment in
your entire life and blending them together, creating one blissful, encompassing
feeling. Being in love is like Friday night, Christmas morning, and roller coaster
ride, all in one. I hope I'm explaining it ok.

"You are. It sounds amazing" I said.

"It can be. But it can also be like when you get that C. It can also be like getting a
C minus every day no matter how much effort you put into writing a good paper.
You try and try and try, and all you can manage to get are C's. That is the yang of
being in love; falling out of love. It's equal to the happiness of falling in love,
except you exchange happiness for sadness. That's the best way I can describe
it. Sometimes I wish I never experienced the joy of love, so I wouldn't have to
experience the low of a break up. That is one reason I said you should break up
with your boyfriend, as soon as possible".

"Did the guy you were in love with break up with you?" I asked.

"No. The nigga just cheated on me. With some girl that turned out to be the
opposite of me. Had me questioning if I was pretty enough. But it turns out he
cheated because I never put out. Guys, all they want is sex".

"If you loved him, why didn't you lose your virginity to him? What was missing?"

"I was scared, Bee. Confused about a lot of things. I just wasn't ready. Plus, I want
to save myself for marriage. I want my wedding night with my husband to be
special".

"I hear you. I always wanted my wedding night to be special too. It just seems
like it would be too long of a wait, though" I confessed.

"Nothing wrong with waiting, Beyonce. Patience is rewarded".

"Is that why you don't want to date? So you won't be tempted to have sex or get
close to a guy?" I asked.

"It's not that I don't want to date. It's just it has to be the right person. Guys like
Tip and Smurf are not right, for me at least. Maybe for you. But I need someone I
can truly trust and someone more mature".

"Someone like Mr. C" I teased, thinking about her crush on him.

She laughed, "Ideally, yes. I imagine him being the perfect man for me".

"He is so old though, Shell. How old is he?" I asked.

"I think 34. He's single though, I know that".

"You think there is a reason he is that old and not off the market yet? That
probably means he is a playboy or afraid of commitment" I joked.

"Or it could mean he just hasn't found the right person yet. He could be waiting
patiently, just like I am" she retorted.

"I guess. I don't see the big deal about him though. He is not cute, to me at least"
I laughed.

"Well that's cuz you are young. You are into the thug guys wearing Jordans and
Jerseys. You aren't really checking for the refined, sophisticated, mature look yet"
she said, slightly on the defensive.

"We are both young, though. Ima be 17 in a few weeks. You're barely 18. You're
acting like we are ages apart".

"No, I'm just saying. Our taste's are in two different places. You see Tip, and I see
Shawn".

"Who?"

"Mr. Carters name is Shawn" she said.

"Oh. Shawn, huh" I said to myself.

He was so much more ordinary than I wanted to believe. And the like I had
developed for him quickly turned sour when he gave me that damn C. I just didn't
buy the hype. He was more of a fraud than some super awesome person, like
everyone tried to make him out to be. I just couldn't get why everyone was
memorized by him, always on his dick. I made up in my head that I'd never get
on his dick like everyone else was. He'd be plain ole Mr. Carter to me. Not Mr. C
or Shawn or any of that shit.

"I'm sleepy. Night Bee" Michelle said.

"Night, Shell".

I dreamed of Tip that night.

Chapter 5

"Giiiirl, I got some GOOD news for you" Kelly said as if she was singing a nursery
rhyme.

Little did she know, I had ever better news for her.

"I got some great news for you too. That is why I called. But you first" I said.

"No, you go first. I don't want my news to trump yours" she laughed.

"Ok then. If you insist. Guess what?"

"What?"

"I talked to Michelle earlier today. Michelle is my roomate, you remember her
right?"

"Yeah, I do. What she say".

"Ima get to that, don't rush me" I said, "Well, she is from Miami right. And her
uncle owns a condo. He is going to be gone for spring break and he said that she
could come stay up there for break and bring a few friends. Michelle invited me
and I asked her could I invite you. She said yeah. SO you know what THAT
means?"

"We going to Miami for Spring Break?"

"YES" I exclaimed into the phone.

We both cheered for this. We had always dreamed about heading to one of those
lovely beaches along a coastline. We always said we'd vacation to a place like
Miami or Jamaica or Cancun. Michelle had made this dream turn into a reality a
lot quicker than we could have expected. Spring Break was going to be crazy.

"Ok, ok. So what's your news? I bet you can't top that" I said.

"Actually, I think I can, girl" she said.

This had to be good, then.

"What you got planned for tonight?" she asked.

"Nothing really. Just lay around my dorm and surf the net, I guess" I said.

"Well, I guess you can say there has been a change of plans" she said
confidently.

"Spit it out, Kelly. What's going on?"

"I'll be in Tallahassee in an hour. I'm coming early, gonna stay with one of my
cousins. Ima see your ass TONIGHT, so get ready".

I couldn't believe it. My bestie was coming and didn't even bother to tell me until
now. I screamed into the phone and which sparked a return scream and laugh
from her.

"Dag Kelly. When were you gonna tell me you were coming early?" I asked.

"I was gonna just show up at your campus and ask for your dorm. Just pop up and
pray to God I didn't walk in on you f*cking or something" she laughed.

"Ooo yes let me tell you. I'm participating in wild orgies and everything. You
might not recognize your Bee no mo" I joked.

"Oh don't worry, I believe you. I BELIEVE you" she said.

"We gotta do something tonight then, Kelly. Ima introduce you to the people I
done met down here and we can go to one of the parties they having".
"What? A Party on a Wednesday?"

"Girl its a party almost every day this way. I guess some of the dorms is so small
they never want to go inside" I laughed.

"Cool, cool. I'm excited to see you though. It was hard leaving home. But I had to
be brave. It was time to leave the nest".

"I feel you. But Kelly I do have to say. As much as I love you and I'm excited
about seeing you today. Your news doesn't trump mine. We are going to MIAMI. I
could hold off on seeing you for a few weeks if it meant we'd go to M-I-A" I said,
joking but for serious.

"Uhmm. I see how you are. But I will beat your ass later. Let me get off the phone
before I crash".

"You drove?"

"Of course. Had to get my car down there somehow".

"I'm surprised that bucket made it this far" I said.

"We gon fight in about 45 minutes. Get your gloves on, chick" she said, right as
she hung up.

I giggled, screamed some more, and got out of bed, ready to see my friend. I had
been lazily lounging around since I didn't have class on Wednesday and had a ton
of laundry that had to be done. My side of the room was messier than Michelle's
which I think was starting to bother her, although she never said anything. I
decided to straighten things up a bit for the arrival of Kelly and as a bonus for
Michelle so she wouldn't mind her spending time in our room.

Michelle was at the library typing up a paper, but I decided to text and let her
know the news.

Sent 4:43 PM: Hey, remember my friend I told u bout..Kelly? she will b here in
bout an hour...is it cool if she comes 2 da room?

Received 4:46 PM: sure...i thought she wasnt comin till Aug?

Sent 4:48 PM: she came early...hope u dont mind...ima wanna show her
around...do u wanna come with us to the party 2nite?

Received 4:49 PM: Cant..gotta study...and a early class 2morrow..yall go and

have fun

Sent 4:51 PM: Ok...well see u in a bit...i want u to meet her

Received 4:51 PM: K

I had talked to Michelle about Kelly a few times, which is why she was ok with me
inviting her along when she told me about the trip to Miami. But during our
conversations I never got the feeling that she was over enthused with the idea of
Kelly coming. Maybe it was because her best friends were still in Miami while
mine was coming here with me. But I sensed that she had some reserves about
the entire idea.

I didn't want things to be like that. I wanted all of my friends to be close with
each other and get along, so I made sure to list all of their best qualities when
describing them. I told Michelle that Kelly was funny, caring, and extremely loyal
and I told Kelly that Michelle was super smart, dedicated, and trustworthy. I
wanted Kelly to love Michelle and vice versa. I had dreams of us all being the
best of friends like the girls on my favorite movie Waiting To Exhale.

Solo, Kelly, and I were all going to be getting an apartment together the next
year. My parents felt it would be cheaper to help pay for an off campus
apartment than to pay the room and board for two girls at an out of state college.
We were already looking for the best apartments we could find in the area and
were going to go all out. But I was starting to think that maybe I should have also
be trying to include Michelle. Maybe we could get a four bedroom apartment and
she could help pitch in for rent. And all four of us girls could live together and
become the fearless foursome, or something like that.

I daydreamed about the concept but had not ran it by anybody else, especially
my dad, who was still wearily looking at the numbers side of this. Either way, I
was eventually going to slip the idea by him and see what he said. I figured
Christmas time when I went home. He would be able to easily tell me no over the
phone, but if I gave him my best little girl face and beg him face to face, then
maybe, just maybe he'd give me a slow yes instead of a fast no. Or maybe I was
just getting ahead of my self in thinking my girls would all clique.

When Kelly came, Michelle was just leaving the library. They were both cordial to
each other, but neither seemed to share the excitement in meeting one another
that I had hoped for. Eventually, Michelle said she was going to get something to
eat. She dissapered from the room before I even have a chance to invite us. I got
the hint.

Kelly and I caught up on old times, hugged, and teased each other like we use to
do back home. She looked wonderful. Her hair was done up, she had a new outfit,
and her skin was looking clearer than I had remembered. She was definitely
ready to party.

The Party wasn't going to get hot until later, so we took the next few hours to
tour the campus, take pictures, and upload them to myspace and facebook.
Although I didn't miss Houston much, I was glad to now have a piece of it here in
the flesh. Kelly knew me better than anybody. I knew her better than anybody.
The doctors said I was her muse, the reason she started talking again. They
recommended that we played together more often so she could continue talking.
Some of them had completely written her off. Thinking she was slow or too
damaged to ever become a whole person. Kelly proved them all wrong. And she
did it with me by her side. For this reason, she and I would always have a special
bond that no one would be able to touch.

Around 9:30, we made our way to the frat house which was throwing the party.
Alpha Phi Alpha had the place jumping. Music blasting, booties shaking, and
drinks flowing. I had only been to one college party since I had been down in
Florida, I had left after only half an hour, but with my bestie by my side I felt
more comfortable. More ready to take on the danger that this atmosphere
provided.

It didn't take long for people to start checking Kelly and I out. No one had ever
seen her before, so she was the fresh meat. Kelly never had problems getting
dudes back home and she wasn't as sheltered as I was, so she had experienced
her share of dating. I was sure she wasn't as smitten with the idea of being the
fresh meat of a campus like I had been.

"Damn it's a lot of niggas here" she said in a tone that suggested it wasn't
exactly thrilling.

"Frat party. What do you expect?" I said.

She shrugged and popped some gum in her mouth before dragging me towards
the area reserved for dancing. Chris Browns Gimmie That was coming out of the
speakers by the DJ table and since that was my shit, it didn't take much for me to
start getting loose. I was much more reserved in my dancing before Kelly came,
mostly because I wasn't as sure in myself and my surroundings. When I went to
Chubby's with Michelle, it was mostly a conservative two step. With Jarvis, it was
a bit more out there. But with Kelly? All bets were off. I started dropping it,
popping, and letting that ho side out, as Jarvis liked to joke.

Although we weren't the only ones dancing, I noticed we had the most eyes
looking at us, from males and females. I could have become self conscious, but
the eyes focused on me made me feel alive. Being the center of attention as I
moved to the thump of the bass was an adrenaline rush that I hadn't experienced
since I had been in college. Something about having so many people eying your
every move was exhilarating. They looked. I danced. The harder they looked, the
harder I danced. Like Will said, I make that shit look good.

After the dance floor wore me out, I dragged Kelly away so we could catch our
breath. It was a hot summer night, with a lot of bodies moving and exerting heat,
from arm pits and private parts. It wasn't long before the place started to smell of
liquor, weed, and bodies. Although I had drank that one night with Jarvis, I still
didn't care much for the taste of beer, so I instead got a soda and stepped
outside on the porch with Kelly. We talked for bit, she laughed talking about my
ass getting phatter, and that my daddy would kill me if he saw what I was
wearing and how I was dancing.

"That's why I'm wearing it" I said, so serious.

Not even five minutes after we had stepped outside, I saw Jarvis and some
people I didn't recognize walking up with him.

"Oh, Kelly I gotta introduce you to this boy. He is CRAZY. My boo" I said.

Before I even had the chance to get his attention, he had spotted me and was
already making crazy faces.
"Well look at what we have here. Beyonce done finally decided to come to a
party" he said as a greeting.

"Well you know how us prudes do it. Once a blue moon" I said matter of factly.

He cheesed and then turned his attention towards a smiling Kelly.

"Ok, so Jarvis. This is the girl I told you about from back home" I began.

"Oh, this is your bestie? Kelly?" he said.

"Yep. And Kelly, this is the one....and only...Jarvis...no one like him".

Jarvis took in his introduction like I knew he would, by posing. Kelly laughed and
tried to shake his hand but Jarvis wasn't having it, he pulled her in and gave her a
hug, which caught Kelly by surprise. She laughed and hugged him back. When
that was done, Jarvis took the opportunity to introduce me to some of his crew.

"Yo, Bee since we introducing Besties and shit. Here is my home girl from back
home. She'll be starting school in August".

Who emerged from behind him was a hard smiling, tatted up chick with a serious
ass figure and an interesting choice of wig and hot pink lipstick. I knew
immediately that her ensemble would cause problems when she started school.
She was cute, although her stank smile kind of irked me. I couldn't tell if it was
real or plastic, but something told me it was the latter.

"Hi. I'm Nicki" she said, her white teeth shining as she spoke.

I tried to match her smile, but struggled in doing so.

"Hi, I'm Beyonce" I said extending my hand. She barely graced it when she shook
and when she was done, she turned towards Kelly and waved. Kelly waved back
half halfheartedly, and Nicki stepped back behind Jarvis. I didn't know what to
make of this little meeting, although it seemed really forced. I tried not to look
any deeper into it than that.

The party continued as Kelly and I hung with Jarvis and the rest of his crew
although things weren't as energetic and organic as they were when it was just
Kelly there with me. I felt like I had to be a bridge between two factions, and
make sure I kept Kelly entertained while still having fun with Jarvis. Jarvis and
Kelly seemed to hit it off good enough, but it was the other people crowding that
space that seemed to be like outsiders. Jarvis was the popular guy so I tried not
to trip. They were his friends too. I couldn't be selfish.

At one point, some sorority girls came over and complimented me on my outfit as
well as Nickis look. The same girl asked if Kelly went to school there. When Jarvis
told her no, she looked Kelly over one good time and rolled her eyes. The rest of
the girls behind her followed suit, making comments under their breath as they
walked by. didn't understand why they'd so blatantly make a scene like that,
especially to my girl. It was then, I finally made my decision to whether I'd pledge
or not. There was no way in hell I'd even for a moment associate myself with
such petty and hateful b*tches.

I danced with Jarvis a few times and Kelly danced with a few guys, but it was
much toned down than it had been with me. As I danced with Jarvis, I felt a tap on
my shoulder. I turned around and it was Tip, smiling. He all but pushed Jarvis out
of the way and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"Can I get a dance, 16?"

I could have felt a certain way about Tip dissing Jarvis like that, but instead I felt
turned on by it. I couldn't say no to a dance from him. He grabbed me by the
waist, and we started. I was too self conscious of Kelly, Jarvis, and Smurf right
there watching to truly lose myself but when he rubbed on my booty, I let him. I
liked it. His hands felt good and the dancing was good excuse to let him explore.
When I saw Kelly getting the screwface I winded it down. WHat i didn't expect
was for Nicki, the girl Jarvis said he was cool with, to be rolling her eyes at me.
Tip seemed oblivious to it all, more so satisfied with the short bump and grinding
session we had engaged in.

We talked, or tried to, but the music was too loud, and eventually he said he had
to get back to work, which meant supplying the weed heads with their vice.
Smurf and Plies were there for work, not play, but Tip just couldn't skip the
chance to play with me for a few minutes.
Kelly and I left soon after, she claimed she was sleepy, but I knew her feelings
had been hurt because of the illogical disrespect she had been shown and the
turn in mood once Jarvis and his friends joined our space. Plus I knew she had
tons of questions about my dace with Tip and what it all meant. Once we got in
her car, I spilled the beans.

"So that is the drug dealer dude you were talking about?"

"Yes. Does that make me a bad girl?" I asked innocently.

"You haven't f*cked him, right?"

I frowned.

"Kelly. You think I'd lose my virginity and not tell you about it?"

"Well I don't know. College can change people. I mean, I have never seen you
dance with a guy like that. And I only been here a few hours. Who knows what
you been doing down here without me watching over you" she said.

"Don't exaggerate. It wasn't that bad" I said.

"Well it was bad enough to have that Nicki girl looking like she wanted to beat
your ass. She was hating hard when the light skinned boy started feeling up on
you".

"Yeah, I noticed that too. Weird. I swear that's my first time even seeing her" I
said.

"I'd bet bread she and the dude have some history" Kelly stated.

"Maybe. I don't really know much about Tip".

"Well maybe you should find out before you get caught up in some drama. I
mean, he knows the feel of your ass before you probably even know his real
name" she said.

"It's Clifford. He told me and showed me his student ID" I said.

"Yeah. Well does he know you are 16?" she pressed.

"Damn Kelly, you sounding like my momma right now. Yeah he knows I will be 17
in just a few weeks. He is only 19. No big deal".

"Aight Bee. I'm not trying to cramp your style or anything. Just want you to be
careful. Kinda took me back seeing you so loose there. I tease you about being a
nerd and all that but I want you to stay my little nerd".

"Don't worry about that Kelly. This is only my second party. I'm staying on track".
"I know you are girl. I'm just blabbering. Still don't know how to feel about those
b*tches that were rolling their eyes at me".

"Yeah, I didn't get that either. Now you see why I didn't want to go to Spelman. I
don't know if I could take being around all women, 24/7".

"Halleluja" she exclaimed, raising er hand in the air to the lord and almost losing
control of the steering wheel.

"Get your hands on the steerling wheel before we're at the pearly gates" I
laughed.

We drove in silence for a few minutes after Kelly turned the radio on. I felt my
eyes growing heavy. But before I drifted off, I let her know what I was feeling.

"Kelly, I'm glad you are here. I don't think I could do this college thing without
you".

She smiled and patted my head.

"Bee. I forgot to ask you. Did you ever end up breaking up with your boy?"

Damn. I had forgot all about that.

"Um...no...not yet" I said.

"Yeah. College done changed you. I gotta get your ass back on track" she said
before turning into the Campus parking lot.

**

I waited patiently while a few of the students chatted with Mr. Carter about this
and that. It aggravated me to no end how so many of them seemed to think
having a conversation with him after class somehow made them cool. It wasn't
cool, it was pathetic. Who wanted to carry on friendly conversations with a
teacher after class? These losers, apparently. I had important issues to talk to
him about, like why I had gotten a C on my first paper. I had already written the
essay which wasn't opinion but a recap of some of the lectures we had about the
different ethical models. But I was fearing how well I would do on the final essay
which would be 50% of our grade and would once again be an exposition style
opinion essay.

The final paper would be on if faculty student dating was ethical and I had no
idea which path I'd take. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other, but I wanted
to pick a side that would get me the best grade. The classes had undoubtedly
been interesting and, even enjoyable, but I feared the grading process. There
was only one week of classes left before the semester was over and I still had no
idea what my final grade was looking like. In my other classes, I was positive I
had A's, but my grade could have been anywhere from a D to a A with Mr. Carters
class. Shit, with exams, at least you knew that all you had to do was learn the
material, cram for the exam, and just ace it. But with Mr. Carter, you had to worry
about how he felt about your opinion.

He'd stress conflict, interest, and conviction when talking about what made a
paper a A and what made a paper a C. But I still didn't quite get what about my
paper wasn't convincing enough. I needed to know before I wrote my final essay.
I waited, and they students continued chatting with him. He eventually broke it
up by saying he had to go to an appointment. In other words, I had waited after
class for 20 minutes and once again, wouldn't get a chance to talk to him.

This was the last straw. He was always busy. Busy with students in his office and
busy chatting away after class. This was the weekend and there was only one
more week until the end of the course. I could no longer wait for him to not be
busy. I needed his feedback now. I was embarrassed about asking about my
paper with other students lingering around but I couldn't worry about that
anymore. I needed help.

"Mr. Carter. I needed to talk to you about my first essay" I said, walking from the
seat I was seated in towards his desk.

He turned his head as did the other students.

"Ahh Miss Knowles. I didn't even see you there. I think that's the first time I've
heard you speak all semester. What a surprise" he smiled.

"Um. Yeah. But I needed help with understanding why you gave me a C" I said.

"First off. I didn't give you a C. You earned your C minus" he said, still smiling.

I had to control myself from getting angry. Calm down Beyonce. He controls your
grade. Curse him out after the semester.

"OK. I stand corrected" I force smiled.

"I'd love to discuss your essay with you. I do wish you wouldn't have waited until
the last week, though" he said, looking at his watch.

"Sorry" I said with an attitude.

I wanted to tell him I would have talked to him sooner if he didn't have a million
groupies all up on his face 24/7. Man I really hated this guy.

"Don't apologize. I have to go so could you IM me anytime after 6? I'll be on and I

can answer you in full and re-read your essay. Fair enough?" he asked.
"Do I have your IM?" I asked, not knowing how I was suppose to contact him.

"It's on the top of the syllabus. Or you could call me if you would rather do that.
Up to you. My cell is on there too" he said.

"I'll IM you" I said dryly.

He nodded his head towards me and ushered me and the rest of the students out
of the class. I was boiling on the inside but I couldn't quite figure out why. I think I
was most angry at his f*cking smile. Second most was him saying I earned my C
minus. And then there was a tie for him joking about me not speaking up in class
and making me IM him to get help. I was just mad. I would never take Michelles
advice again when it came to scheduling classes. I remember bug eyed boy said
it was fate for me to join that class. More of a curse than a gift.

I needed my hair done, and with Kelly back in town, I had my very own stylist.
That was one thing Kelly excelled in, doing hair. She had thought about going to
school for cosmetology, but decided she'd be better off going to school for a four
year degree, especially since her adoptive parents would be paying. Kelly picked
me up and drove me to her cousins crib which was about 35 minutes away. We
ended up talking and clowning like old times as I sat between her lap for the next
five hours. We ended up going to Popeyes for dinner, somewhere we spent many
a days at back in Houston.

By the time we finished and I got back to my dorm, it was half past 10. Michelle
was in bed early, I guess exhausted from cramming for finals. I quietly walked in
the room got undressed and got in bed with the laptop I had purchased with my
credit card. I wanted a Macbook, but had went for the cheaper option so I could
preserve the money on my card. I just couldn't justify spending over a grand on a
laptop when I could get one for 500.

I logged onto myspace and facebook and checked my messages. A few from
Lyndell, one from Tip, and an ongoing chat I was having with Solo. She was
telling me about the guy she had been seeing and how he put it on her. She
wondered why I didn't yet have any stories about any guys putting it on me, but I
did tell her about Tip's cop and feel at the party I had went to. That was as much
action as the summer had provided me. Seeing my baby sister talk about the
action she had been getting as a home schooled sheltered girl and comparing it
with what I'd done while on my own made me feel a certain way. Like I really
hadn't changed much, despite what Kelly had said. I was the same shy girl that I
was back in Texas.

I was about to log off when I remembered Mr. Carter had told me to IM him. It
was late, after 10, and I was falling weary of IMing him at this hour. But then
again, he had told me to IM him past 6. He didn't put a cap on it. I went in my
backpack and pulled out the syllabus for his class and saw his YIM at the top of
the page.
S.Carter@Yahoo.com

I typed his scree name into the search bar and his profile came up. It was bare,
no picture and no other info aside from his name. He was online according to it,
which made my heart drop. Was I really going to IM his this late? It was almost
11. And then some crazy thought hit me. What if he was at his crib f*cking some
chick right at the moment I Imed him. I don't know why I thought about that. But I
figured that would be crazy. Maybe it would be best to wait until the morning.

I closed my laptop and snuggled up in bed, wrapping the covers around me. I
closed my eyes, but sleep never overtook me. I was sleepy. At least I thought I
was. But there was something unfinished that wouldn't let me rest. I had to IM
him. I had to know why he thought I earned a C. And I had to know it tonight. I
reached over for my laptop, placed it on the bed, and opened it right back up. I
had laid in the darkness for over half an hour and it was now closer to midnight.
Still, his user name said he was online.

I double clicked it which brought me to his IM window. I moved my pointer into

the words box and clicked. The blinking word bar pulsed on and off, waiting for
me to start up this awkward conversation. First I typed 'hey' then deleted it as it
sounded too friendly. Then I typed 'Mr. Carter' then deleted that as well. Damn,
what was I suppose to say? This was stupid. Maybe it would be better to just call
his cell phone and leave a message. But what if he answered? At midnight? And
then chided me for calling so late? That would be embarrassing.

I wrestled with how to contact him and what to say in my heads for a few more
minutes, finally deciding to just type whatever came to my mind and then
pressing enter before I had a chance to change it.

QueenBey2005: Hi, this is Beyonce. You said to IM you so here it is. Wondering
about my grade...

After pressing enter I looked at the IM box and waited for it to say that he was
typing a response back to me. But, there was none. Two minutes passed, with no
sign of him responding back to me. I felt really dumb. Why would a professor be
on this late, chatting on IM? He probably just let his computer on all night. Oh
well, I was sure he would read the message in the morning and respond to me
then. I prepared to close my laptop when I saw the IM box come to life.

S.Carter is typing a message...

My heart dropped.

S.Carter: What's good with you Miss Knowles? Just caught me right before bed. I
read your essay earlier today and my grade of a C- still stands. The main issue
with your essay was that it lacked a sense of critical thinking. Your grammar was
good, the structure was solid, but you simply repeated what the book said
instead of really giving me your opinion and backing it up. You did not step out of
that box. You have to expand past home school conventions and put your
cognitive skills to the test.

QueenBey2005: Ok. So what do you suggest for the next paper?

S.Carter: The next paper is about your thoughts on students and teachers that
date. You've read the book, I am sure. So definitely include what you have
learned in the chapters and in the lectures, but speak your mind by putting
everything into a singular context. Is it wrong? Is it not wrong? Give me a strong
argument for one or the other. Make me believe you...

QueenBey2005: Ok...

S.Carter: Did I answer your question? Or do I need to elaborate?

QueenBey2005:No, I think I understand. I'm just not use to getting C's. But I
think I got it now...

S.Carter: Welcome to college Miss Knowles. Have a good night and good luck
with your paper. Godspeed.

And like that he logged off.

**

"He's just an asshole. No other way to say it" I said to Kelly over the phone while
laying in bed.

"Bee, I hear you and everything. But he just sounds like he is doing his job. He
can't be an asshole just because YOU got a C. Tighten up, girl" Kelly said sternly.

"Yeah whatever. You just don't understand" I said, rolling my eyes at her
indifference to my venting.

"What don't I understand Bee?"

"College and everything. I mean this isn't High School or Community College. This
is real college here and YOU are up here telling me to tighten up" I said out of
being on the defensive.

When she didn't say anything to my comment, I knew I had said something to
really hurt her feelings. Damn, why was I being such a b*tch all of a sudden?
Kelly didn't deserve that. Especially after all of the shit she had been through as a
child when people thought she was stupid. Me and my big mouth.

"Girl, I am sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just stressed over finals and stuff. I
shouldn't take it out on you" I said, in my most humble voice.
"Beyonce, listen to me. I may not be the straight A student like you are. I may not
have the natural intelligence like you do. I may not have been blessed to go to
any college I wanted to. I might have to go to a dumb community college. But I
am not stupid. I do have common sense. And how you are acting, IS stupid. That
goes to show, intelligence doesn't always mean smart. Your teacher is trying to
help you. But he can't help someone that thinks they are always right. Grow up"
and she hung up.

Ahh damn. I really didn't mean for our girl talk convo to end like that. I knew I
was being a brat and everything she said was right. I guess I just wanted
someone to take my side and pacify me instead of actually being convinced that I
just wasn't as ready to master college as I thought I was. Damn. I hated to be
wrong, I hated it. But what I hated even more than that, was hurting my best
friends feelings. I called her back but she didn't answer. I would try back a few
more times but only got her voice mail. She ended up texting me the next
morning and telling me that she loved me and just needed some time to herself
before she went off on me. We called and made up that afternoon.

But it was something about the way she looked at me that suggested she was
still feeling a certain way about how it all went down. I didn't think Kelly was
stupid. I would never want her to even think that was how I felt about her. My
comments were strictly said out of frustration and immature emotions. That
wasn't how I felt. Even after I told her this, I sensed that she had trouble
accepting it. How could she? She'd been told all of her life the same things her
best friend had said to her. If I could say it, what did that say about me?

Tip called me later in the day and asked if I wanted to chill at his apartment. This
had caught me completely off guard. To his apartment? This didn't seem like him
at all. He was always a gentleman whenever we talked, always aware of my age
and suggesting we only hang out in public places. I was on the phone with my
mom when he had called so I told him I'd think about it and call him back with an
answer. In actuality, I had to call Solo and ask what the hell I should do.

"Bee. If you go over there, he is going to try and f*ck you. Don't be dumb" she
said when I told her my dilemma.

"So should I just tell him no without a reason?"

"Girl if he likes you or whatever then he should be fine with your reason. You
aren't comfortable and you aren't ready for sex. It's really as simple as that. If I
find out you are being pressured into any kind of date rape Ima be up there
myself to murder someone" she said bluntly.

"Ok, ima call him right now. Stay on, I want you to hear, ok?"

"Yeah".

I called Tip who picked up on the first ring. He had a knack for doing that.
"Sup 16" he said, in his usual drawl.

"Hey Tip. I was just calling you back to tell you I thought about your offer" I said
nervously.

"Cool. And what did you think?"

"I.....I think...I'm not quite ready to be alone with any guys. That's all just too
much for me right now" I said, choosing how I worded things. I really did like him
and I didn't want him to start to not like me.

"Oh that's cool shawty. I respect that. No worries" he said calmly with rock music
blaring in the background.

"So we're cool?" I asked.

"We're cool shawty".

"Ok...good" I laughed, not knowing what else to say.

"Aight. Well, me and the rest of the folk here about to hop back on this Guitar
Hero. I guess I'll talk to you later, aight?"

"Ok. Bye".

I clicked, and Solo was laughing her ass off when I did.

"What's so funny?"

"Bey are you sure he didn't tell you he was inviting you AND others over?
Because he said they were playing Guitar Hero".

"What's Guitar Hero?" I asked, truly not knowing.

"Damn Bee. Sometimes I worry about you and how slow your smart ass is" she
laughed.

"Is it a video game or something?"

"Yeah. It's what everyone is playing. Fake guitar, button pressing. He probably
invited you over to play" she said.

"Oh wow. I think he did say something about us playing a game. I was too busy
focusing on his apartment. Should I call him back?" I asked.

"Nah. You still prolly shouldn't be over at his crib. Opens up to many doors for the
future. Stay your ass there and do your homework" she laughed.
After I hung up from Solo, I had this weird feeling in my stomach. I was still
feeling bad about what happened with Kelly and I was angry for still feeling like a
child when it came to certain things. I was on my own but still not able to act like
an adult would act. It was getting on my nerves. And every-time Tip called me 16,
his tongue in cheek pet name for me, I'd be reminded of how much of an outcast
I was.

I needed to take it out on someone, and there was only one person I could think
of contacting. Maybe he was part of the reason why I still felt like a child. Maybe
still being attached to him was cause for my negative feelings about my growth.
Maybe it was all his fault. I called Lyndell and prepared to do what I should have
done a long time ago.

"Lyndell. I'm unhappy. I don't think I can do this anymore" I said after five
minutes of filler talk.

"Unhappy with what? Do what?" he said, full of concern. The type of concern that
made him sound weak.

"This. Us. It's just not working. We're so far apart and I'm meeting new people
and I'm sure you are meeting new people--"

He cut me off "But no one I meet compares to you, though".

"Lyndell. I want to break up. I don't want to be with anyone right now. I need to
be single" I said, finally cutting past the side stepping.

"Why?" he said, his voice rising, his anger clearly starting to show.

"...Because. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to be by myself" I said, trying
hard not to hurt his feelings.

"We been together for four years Beyonce. Four years. Did you f*ck some other
guy or something? I mean, all of this out of nowhere?" he screamed.

"It's not out of nowhere. I have been feeling like this for awhile. This long distance
stuff isn't healthy for either of us. We can still be friends. I just don't want to be
with you" I said, really hoping he would get the point.

"You didn't even answer my question. You did f*ck someone else, huh. I bet you
did. I can't believe this. After all of this time".

"Lyndell. I did not cheat on you" I said calmly with my hand over my face.

"Yes you did. I know you did. You said you would save yourself for me. You
promised I would be your first" he yelled.
"Lyndell we were 14 when I made that promise. Too young to be making any
promises about stuff like that. We both said a bunch of stupid things that we
knew we couldn't actually do" I said, trying to keep my voice calm but not doing a
good job of it.

"I kept all of my promises to you. I can't believe you. I know its some other guy.
GODDAMN I hate you" he said.

"You hate me because I don't want to be with you?" I yelled.

"I hate you because you are a b*tch. Playing with my heart and shit and lying to
me. I can't believe I trusted a ho like you".

He kept pressing. He kept pressing and pressing and wouldn't accept my

kindness. Ok, he wanted me to be a b*tch, or a ho, or any other nasty word?
Then I'd show him how much of a b*tch I could be.

"Ok, you want the truth? Yes. It is another guy. He's handsome. He's funny. He's
sweet. And I like him. Ok? I like him. But you know the thing that I like most? He
is HERE! I can actually see him and touch him and dance with him and kiss him.."

"And f*ck him?" he interrupted.

"Yep. And f*ck him. I can do that too if I wanted. But you? You are a voice on the
phone. Out of respect for you, I never did anything with him. But I wish I would
have. I wish I could prove you so right since that is what you want" I said.

"The only thing I want is to be with you. For things to be like they were".

"Things will never be what they were Lyndell. Never. Get it out of your head. Like
I said, the only thing I would have with you at all right now is friendship and even
that is on thin ice right now. It's over. I'm done. Move on. Don't call me. Bye" I
said, hanging up and turning off my phone so I wouldn't be bombarded with his
calls and text when they came.

I felt a release that I hadn't felt in a while. A release that was akin to taking a shit
after holding it in for hours. It hurt so good.

**

Jarvis helped me find my muse for my final paper as we both wrote and
compared ours in the library on the Saturday before the last week of class. I had
printed out the IM conversation I had with Mr. Carter and read it over a hundred
times, making sure I understood exactly what he wanted from me. We submitted
the essays online in a drop box, which marked the end of the work for the class.
We'd have one more class that would be a wrap up for anyone that wanted to
attend. Of course, everyone would want to attend because he promised he would
reveal once and for all if he use to be a drug dealer. I had to admit, even I was
curious about his entire backstory.

Jarvis also suggested that I should get out more and stop being lazy in my dorm
room all day. He said something that would be good for me, considering I wanted
to get cultured, was to go to the NAACP meetings on campus. He said it was an
organization he would eventually run for because it would look good on a resume
when you were done with school. It sounded like a good deal and would be
another way for me to meet people. I decided I'd be down.

On the final class of Ethics, we had a big discussion, returning to the topic of the
first day of class. It was even more lively of a debate now that we had received
information on how to evaluate stakeholders and conflicts.

"So if I tell you guys RIGHT NOW" Mr. Carter grinned, "Right now than I use to sell
drugs. Does everything you have learned in this course became pointless?"

We didn't have a raise hand policy so dozens of kids started speaking over each
other trying to get their point in. For some reason, a reason I cannot pinpoint
other than it being an urge, I raised my hand. While the other students fought to
talk over one another, Mr. Carter found my hand raised out of the corner of his
eye. His eyes widened when he saw this, I hadn't even attempted to participate
in a discussion once. But I had something to say and there was no way I would be
able to project my voice over all of the barking of the others.

"Calm down yall. We got a special speaker that wants to talk" Mr. Carter grinned,
looking right at me.

The students in front of me turned around, all shocked and shit that I was going
to say something. Or maybe just shocked that I had raised my hand and he
decided to single me out. Whatever the case, it added a significant amount of
pressure to what was already a daunting task. To speak in front of all of these
people and try to make a point that would sound as smart as it did in my head.

"Miss. Knowles. You have the floor" he smiled.

I didn't know whether to stand or what. But with all eyes beaming on me, I so self
conscious, like I was naked in front of their hungry eyes, devouring my
nervousness. I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves.

"I..I don't think it would be useless because you taught us that ethics is a big
picture. We can't just focus on the black and white, but the other shades of gray
that paint it. Like, you might have sold drugs because you were homeless or
because you had to provide for a family. I don't know. And"

I started off good but I started to forget what else I had to say. The eyes were still
looking hard at me. I swallowed the wad of spit that had settled in the top of my
throat and continued before I lost all steam.
"We now know that egosim can someones be the best moral choice to make".

Mr. Carter was scratching his chin as I talked. He took off his glasses and
coughed. I couldn't tell if he was digging my answer or not. But there was
something, which was very small when I first raised my hand, but had grown
exponentially as he listened to me speak. But something so overwhelmingly
strong that wanted; needed for him to approve of my opinion. I had longed all
semester for his acceptance, for a validation. I didn't realize it until that moment,
but I wanted him to like me as a student.

"Can egoism be the best moral choice if it infringes on others? You did write in
one of your essays that Utilitarianism was the most sound ethical principle in
your opinion" he asked me, without showing one way or the other if he was
feeling what I was saying.

"Well...um...Yeah.." I was losing my footing, about to fall flat on my face. I could

feel it. My chest felt as it if was caving in under the pressure of an avalanche of
emotions. But I breathed, focused, and stood tall. My livelihood depending on this
one minute conversation in a two hour class.

"At the end of the day. We have to weigh our priorities. And family and self is
more important than the world. If you can't save your family, how can you save
the world? I like Utilitarianism. It is the most sound. But, it doesnt work unless
every single person in the world agrees with it too. Even Communism, is ok in
principle, but unless Jesus Christ himself was the leader of it, it would fall flat
because of selfishness."

This caused numerous laughs including a small grin from Mr. Carter, the first
emotion he had shown in my words. His once cold stare didn't look so cold.

"We're selfish people. And we have to look out for ourselves and our family first.
Second is the world" I said.

I took a deep breath and was getting a round of applause and amens from my
fellow students. Even Michelle was patting me on the shoulder. Mr. Carter was
nodding his head and grinning at the ovation I was receiving.

"Very interesting Miss, Knowles. Very" he said.

He didn't argue a counter point and his pat on my back was very short and
sweet. But it meant something. It meant so much to hear it. I smiled and couldn't
stop. We ended up moving on, I wouldn't dare raise my hand again to offer
another point that could help take away from the victory I had gained. It was
being up at the gambling table. Quit while you were ahead. And I was ahead. On
cloud 9 after speaking up in class and having this teacher hear me out and
applaud my thoughts. Life was good.

The class ended in a shower of boos, as Mr. Carter told us he had lied and was
not going to tell us his life story. He said he had told us this so that all of us would
show up to class for a final discussion even though the grading was complete. He
said he felt it was morally right because it was for the benefit of our education.
We booed, he laughed, and class was dismissed.

I gathered my belongings and walked down the steps prepared to go get a bite to
eat, when Mr. Carter stopped me.

"Miss. Knowles, let me rap with you for a minute" he said plainly.

I feared what he could want. A deep fear of what he would say. The butterflies in
my stomach almost caused me to trip over my numb legs which struggled to
keep pace with my racing mind.

"I just wanted to say that I was proud of you for speaking up today. You made
some great progress in the class".

"Thanks" I smiled.

"Another thing. I'm glad you took my advice to heart. It showed" he smiled,
reaching in his brief case and handing me a thick layer of papers.

It was my paper, the final paper I had wrote about if students and faculty
members should date. Planted across the paper, was the most beautiful thing I
had ever seen.
I could not contain the happiness that flowed into me. I jumped into the chest of
the man that gave it to me, sudden and irrationally hugging him. His laugh and
small pat on the top of my back brought me down to reality quick. Damn, had I
really just hugged my teacher in front of everyone like that? I stepped back and
played with my hair out of sheer embarrassment. I was a klutz.

"I'm sorry Mr. C. Sorry. Thank you" I said, stumbling over my apology.

"It's fine. And don't thank me. You earned it" he said, closing his brief case and
turning his attention towards the other students in the class who were wanting to
talk to him.

"How come she got her paper back?" Day-Day asked.

"I read hers early. The rest of yall can check the website and your grade should
be there by Tuesday" he said.

"What? Why she got hers read early?" Day-Day complained.

"I hear you guys talk every day in class. I was interested in reading her paper a
little more since she doesn't speak" he laughed.

They went into a debate, an after class debate. I left to celebrate my grade. I was
fearing his class because it would be the difference between straight A's or an
ugly B on my report card, or worse. But with the A+ along with the A on my
second essay, I was able to overcome the C minus to open the semester and still
finish with deans list. I was thrilled.

**

Straight A's meant attending the summer bash that was going down at one of the
students houses. It wasn't a frat house this time, it was in a secluded
neighboorhood so that everyone could drink and party as hard and long as they
wanted. It was an exclusive party, and Michelle and I had been invited. I told
Kelly we'd hang out the next day, but I was going out with Michelle to celebrate
my first semester.

Michelle and I went shopping for clothes and came looking our best. Not really to
pick up any guys, but to keep them and the other ladies on their toes. It's just
something about a new outfit at a party, especially when there was reason to
celebrate, that could make a girl feel like the baddest b*tch alive. I felt it, and the
guys knew it.

One guy approached me, I didn't know him well but I had seen him around. They
called him Wiz, for whatever reason, and he was a known weed head. He had a
disgusting amount of tattoos all over his body, and I heard a story about him
giving some girl Herpes!
Let's just say when he pulled me to the side to whisper in my ear, I had no
interest in him or any of the game he was trying to run.

"Baby girl, you are looking fabstanding tonight. My name is Wiz, what's yours?"
he said, his weed breath giving me second hand smoke.

"Beyonce" I said quick, looking to walk away but trying not to be rude.

"Beyonce? What you Egyptian or something? Fine as hell" he grinned, eyes

sagging and words slurring.

"Thanks".

He next put his arms around the lower of my back and immediately I stepped
back right into some guy downing a beer which spilled on him.

"The f*ck ?" he screamed.

"Oh. I'm sorry" I said.

"Chill fam. Beyonce ain't mean it" Wiz said, as if he was coming to my rescue.

The guy brushed off his arm and made his way over to where the bathroom was.
Honestly, I would have rather the guy yelled at me than for Wiz to run him away.
Where was Michelle when I needed her? I wish Jarvis wouldn't have went home
for a few weeks before school started back. I knew he would have protected me.
"Ok, well nice meeting you Wiz" I said, hoping he got the hint as I turned my body
to leave.

He grabbed me by my wrist.

"See you around" he said in a voice that almost sounded threatening.

I brushed off the words, got my wrist back from his arm, and walked away to
where Michelle was. Turns out, she had been watching the entire thing.

"Was he bothering you?" Michelle asked.

"Well, I wasn't interested in what he had to say" I replied.

"Oh. Cuz sometimes I don't know with you. I don't know if you want the attention
or not" Michelle said.

I didn't know how to take that so I ignored it and sipped my soda. I eventually
forgot about Wiz and tried to enjoy the rest of the party, dancing with a few guys
but mostly sticking close to Michelle and just chatting. I refused to drink any beer
at a party, and since Michelle was real about her Christian lifestyle, it was easy to
steer clear of it and stick with soda and juice.

A few times I went to get another drink, I would see Wiz around looking at me. It
was starting to get annoying. Even in a crowded party, I kept mysteriously
bumping into him. He'd smile and wave and I'd smile and walk right on away. It
was as if he and I were the only two people at the party, everyone else in black
and white. I felt him watching me no matter what I did, no matter where I went.
My mind wouldn't let me forget the fact that he was lurking somewhere which
made it impossible to enjoy myself. That was until I heard a loud commotion and
saw that Tip and Smurf had entered the building.

Smurf wasn't even a student but he was one of the main party goers. He and Tip
helped provide the fuel for the parties to get started with anything from drugs to
pain pills to alcohol being at their fingertips. Although I knew it was wrong, there
was a certain level of excitement in knowing what Tip did. All that ethical shit was
for the classroom, not real life.

Tip eventually spotted me and gave me a hug, and out of the corner of my eye I
saw Wiz looking, this time with his shirt off. Damn, would he just leave me alone.
Tip told me he had to work and would come look for me later. I was just glad to
be in his presence but I didn't know if I would be staying for much longer. I didn't
feel so good all of a sudden. I started to feel light headed, and really hot. Like, I
knew it was another hot summer night, but I shouldn't have been that hot and
sweaty. Eventually, the more I dance, the hotter I got, and the hotness started to
settle in my pussy. I could feel the burn down below, a burn that had me talking
gibberish to Michelle whenever she would ask if I was ok.

The fact was, while I felt different, I didn't feel like leaving anymore. I wanted to
dance and be touched and be watched. I danced with Michelle, but that wasn't
satisfying enough. I turned to the guys that surrounded us and they happily
accepted the open invitation to let me shake my ass on them.

I remember, I remember when I lost my mind. It was when the Gnarles Barkley
song Crazy filled the speakers and Wiz stepped into get his dance. I closed my
eyes and lost myself in the song, the music, the beat, the touch of the man I
wasn't even looking at. This was crazy, but I was just so hot...and horny.

Wiz felt me up, as he gave me a shotgun, blowing smoke directly into my mouth.
Before I could really understand what was going on, I felt myself being pulled.
Pulled where? Pulled by whom? My eyes were closed and I was letting the wave
of emotion and gravity carry me away.
Suddenly, I heard Michelle screaming my name which caused my eyes to open
wide. What was happening? And why was a crowd gathering? I turned quick, no
longer feeling a pull, and saw Tip on top of Wiz smacking him to a bloody pulp
with a handgun. He was screaming, I could tell, but I could no longer hear
anything. It was like watching a movie on mute. I could see that things were
being said, but I could only try to read lips.

My head ached and my heart hurt. What was going on? Why did I feel so dizzy?
Why did I feel like this was all my fault? The tears were filling my eyes and when
the first one fell, that was when the sound returned.

"Muthaf*cka I should kill yo b*tch ass. If I ever catch you trying to drug any chick
on this campus again, I swear to God I'm not stopping here. You hear me podna?
You hear me b*tch nigga? " Tip yelled at Wiz who was on the floor coughing up
blood.

Tip stood up and looked at me.

"You aight 16?"

I nodded my head. Embarrassed by what had happened. Embarrassed that like a

little girl, I had to be saved. I nodded my head and wiped my eyes quick. Tip
looked at me hard, accessing the damage. He walked closer and looked in my
eyes, seeing how far gone I was when I had apparently been drugged by Wiz.

Tip turned away quick and walked towards the DJ table, grabbing the mic and
motioning for the DJ to cut the music. He did as was told. Tip grabbed the mic
and everyone awaited his words. He had their full attention.

"Look. This girl right here. Beyonce. Is only 16. Her birthday is September 4th.
She won't be 18 and legal for yall ho ass niggas until next September. Until then,
she is OFF LIMITS. Don't invite her to no parties. None. Period. I f*cked up by
letting her get in the club. That shit is out too. If I found out any nigga is trying to
f*ck with her until she is legal, it's gon be me and them. All yall niggas. She is off
limits from me and everyone else until she is 18. This shit ain't right, right chere"
he said, passionate and sincerely.

Everyone was nodded their head or looking at me. I couldn't even look anybody
in the eyes. I felt exposed and vulnerable. Everyone looking at me. The party
stopping because of me and Tip feeling the need to have to do this.

"I'm disgusted at yall niggas. Let the girl breathe before yall try to take
advantage of her" he said, before dropping the mic.

Michelle grabbed me by the hand and Tip made his way over and they escorted
me from the house. Even outside people were posted up on cars and looking. The
stereo system played outside as well, so they had heard the entire rant. I didn't
feel under the influence of anything anymore, just shame. I wished I was feeling
drugged, because that reality couldn't have been worse than the humiliation that
I was so aware of at this moment. Naked.

I learned later that Tip and no one called the police on Wiz because there was
drugs and alcohol at the party and minors had been drinking, so everyone would
have potentially got in trouble, including Tip. Tip figured he would handle it his
way. With fear.

I couldn't stand to be on campus for the down time until the fall semester started.
I had to go home, I had to get away. I paid for a one way ticket home to Houston,
where I would regroup and find out if I even wanted to go back to FAMU.

Chapter 6

"And he got on the mic and told ALL them people not to invite you anywhere?"
Solo asked, in shock as I told her the story of the most embarrassing night of my
life. Even more embarrassing than; well I won't speak of that again.

I nodded my head and sighed. Damn Tip. I appreciated what you had done for
me, saving me from possibly being raped or something, but did you have to do all
of that? I just could not see how I could face that student body ever again.

"Yeah. And he pretty much runs things there, Solange. They are gonna listen to
him. I was so embarrassed".

"Wow. Well I know that had to be a bad feeling but what if he wouldn't have been
there, ya know? Got to look on the bright side, I guess. It could have been worse.
What if he had raped you and then it got around school and everything?" she
reasoned.

I wasn't really trying to hear any alternate reality because it didn't exist. It was
just speculation. I could not base my life on what could have happened, I could
only base it on what did happen. I wasn't raped, whatever Wiz had slipped in my
drink didn't kill me, and I had learned a valuable lesson that only experience
could teach. But the fact remained that I was pretty much banished from the
inner circle of an entire in crowd of the school I was living at. Everyone there was
an exclusive invite, and Tip had made sure I'd never be exclusive in the coming
year, and maybe ever again.

"Are you going to tell mom?" Solo asked.

"No. Of course not. She'd just tell daddy and my entire life would be ruined all
over again. Forget pulling me from public school, they would wouldn't let me
leave the house ever again" I said.

"I hear that. They wouldn't let me leave the nest either" she said, in deep
thought.

"I just have to suck it up. If I tell them I don't want to go back to FAM they would
wonder why and wouldn't let me hear the end of it. I'm stuck".

"Well it's not like that boy runs the entire city. You can still have fun. There are
other places you can go. With Kelly, and your friend Jarvis that you were telling
me about".

"Yeah but Solo you ain't hearing me. It's not just about not going to a party. I
don't do much of that anyway. It's that everyone will look at me different now.
When I went back to the dorm at the party, everyone who wasn't even at the
party had heard what happened and were gossiping about it. All of the girls in my
building were asking if I was ok and stuff. But the way they asked was so fake.
They didn't want to know if I was ok, they wanted to be nosey. I just don't want to
be around all that" I said.

"Damn, Bee. That's tough. I don't even know what to say" she said.

"Nothing to say" I sighed.

We finished eating our burgers and pulled out of the fastfood parking lot, where
we had stopped for dinner and to talk. She told me about being ready to get out
of the crib as my parents had become even more strict with her since I left. They
had certain thoughts about her going out alone, as I was her usual chaperon
when she went on dates. I ended up telling her about my Spring Break trip to
Miami that was to come, and we figured we'd ask our parents could she come
visit me for spring break. Then, we'd all go to Miami together.

I still had to run it by Michelle, to have Kelly and Solo come with me, but I was
sure she wouldn't mind. Michelle didn't have much friends at college, so who else
would she bring? I wanted to treat Solo out and a trip to Miami, on the low and
away from our parents, would be exactly what she needed.

I ended up calling Jarvis who was back home for a few weeks and telling him the
story. He was concerned about the Wiz thing more than what Tip had done,
which wasn't shocking. He could play, but when it came to the people he cared
about, he took things serious. He was raised with sisters and was always
protective over them, I guess he felt the same way about me, seeing me like a
little sister. I vented hard to him but he was out and couldn't talk as long as I
wanted to talk.

I tried to enjoy my official summer vacation, which was only 2 weeks, but I
couldn't. No matter what thought I started with it would always come back to the
party, what happened, what didn't happen, what could have happen, and what
will happen when I get back. I'd be shunned, laughed at as the little girl who
needed a guy to make a public service announcement that I was a baby. That's
what it felt like to me. Like he was announcing I couldn't handle myself. I thought
about calling him, but I didn't. I didn't know what I'd say or what I wanted to say
to him. I was sure he thought he had been my knight and shining armor. He
wouldn't understand the spot he put me in by putting on his cape.

Lyndell found out that I was home and tried calling, although I told my parents
and Solo not to answer for him. I guess I should have expected punk ass Ricky to
be the one to ruin everything, as he brought me the phone early one morning
when I was still sleeping, telling me it was important. I answered and it was
Lyndell, begging and pleading for him to see me so we could talk. He wanted to
apologize and make things right. I told him ok, just so I could get off the phone
and go back to sleep. But for the remaining time in Houston he blew up the
phone wanting me to follow through on my promise.

I left Houston a few days early just so I wouldn't have to. I didn't want to see that
boy. I didn't want to be home in Houston. I didn't want to regress to the home
schooled girl I had been my first 16 years. I needed to go back to Florida, no
matter how hard it would be to cope with the after effects of the Wiz incident. It
was better to be a baby that was on her own than a baby that was living with her
parents.

Solo left me with a parting comment that stuck with me when I boarded the
plane.

"I don't know what you eatin' out there, but your butt has gotten phatter. Slow
down, girl" she laughed.
My mom agreed.

"Yea Bee. You do look a little thicker back there. You sure that aint them new
padded jeans?" she asked.

I laughed and immediately wished I was in my room so I could look in the mirror
and judge for myself how noticeable it was.

"You be safe, Bee. Ok?" Solo said, looking me directly in my eyes.

"I will" I said before hugging her.

I hugged my mother, my dad, and stuck my tongue out at the punk ass. It was
time for round 2 in Florida.

**

Fall semester kicked off and the campus came alive in a way I didn't even know
could be possible. I thought I knew how popping the set could be, but when the
influx of freshman and kids returning to college after taking the summer off, it
was PACKED. Everyone was out, every club, every organization, everybody out
stunting in their new back to school outfits.

I was still embarrassed by the episode that occurred in the summer, but seeing
so many new faces made me think that maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I thought
it would be. I had a head start on all of the freshman which made me feel
somewhat more settled in than them, but we pretty much got treated the same
by everyone else. Everyone wanted us to join their clubs but the one group I
decided to look into was the one Jarvis had recommended.
NAACP was a campus chapter of the national organization that talked about
issues in the black community and looked to make a difference and spread
awareness. They met every first and third Wednesday of the month and were
open to all students. I had missed the last meeting in August because I was still
in Houston but I made up in my mind that I would attend the first one in
September, which would be right after I turned 17.

My class schedule still included Gen Ed stuff and electives. I took my science,
history, and foreign language class, but for an elective I decided to take Mr. C's
philosophy class. After Ethics I was interesting in what his Philosophy class would
be like, and how far the rabbit hole went. I wasn't really interested in philosophy,
but I was interested in what his class would be about. He had that magic when it
came to presenting subjects. He could teach a class on how to watch paint dry
and it would probably be interesting and engaging. I was sure of that.

I ended up taking six classes this time around, squeezing in a course about
Women in America. The professor, Ms. Pounder was well respected by the many
people around the campus and the subject sounded interesting enough. Many
warned me that taking 18 credit hours was a daunting task for a freshman, but
since I assumed there would be no more parties for me, I wouldn't have anything
else to do.

I couldn't yet tell if there were any after effects of the Wiz incident. I needed a
large sample size, but as the days progressed I realized that Tip had shut down
my social life. Guys would not even look me in the eye, let alone try to holla at
me. I mean, it eliminated the awkward rejection I'd have to give to guys I didn't
want to entertain, but it also meant all of the random conversations I had with
seemingly interesting guys came to a stop as well. The only male still man
enough to step to me was Jarvis, and of course, he was GHAY!

So with my social life done for, I decided being involved in everything academics
would be pretty productive. I celebrated my birthday with Kelly in the morning as
we went to a cafe for breakfast. She also bought me a ipod nano so I could get rid
of the outdated one I had. I celebrated with Jarvis by going to the movies, and
Michelle and I ended up having dinner at Red Lobster with one of her lab friends
who convinced them to sing me happy birthday. It was a great day, even if it
didn't include clubbing or partying. I enjoyed spending the day with those that I
considered my friends.

Tip called me and wished me a happy birthday, and of course refereed to me as

16 the entire time we were on the phone. It was annoying, as it reminded me of
the summer party, but I still found it a bit funny. He had a way of doing that. I
couldn't stay mad at him.

The first NAACP meeting had a good turnout, much more than I had expected it
would be. I just couldn't see a lot of these people finding this stuff interesting. But
they came, clicked up, and participated in the first one that had full participation
from graduating seniors and incoming freshman. I sat with Jarvis and Nicki, who
had tagged along. There was something about her that I didn't like. She was
cordial enough, but that is it, she was too nice and smiley. Her smile was so
barbe dollish that it felt like she was a caricature of something instead of a
genuinely nice girl. Still, I kept it to myself since that was Jarvis people. If he was
cool with her, then I guess she was cool with me.

One thing I was excited about was football season. I liked watching the NFL, the
being a huge fan of the Texans, but I didn't know much about college football. Tip
heard this and insisted on taking me to my first football game at a black college.
Now I had seen the movie drumline, but I really could not have guessed how
hype the atmosphere for the game actually would be.

People were still weary of me, guys specifically, but that didn't stop them from
looking when I showed up at the game on Tips arm. What can I say, I felt a little
special because of it. He was the dude that pretty much ran the school, and I was
the girl on his arm. He wasn't my boyfriend, but that was ultimately what made it
even more of a privileged. I wasn't having sex with him, we weren't a couple, and
yet still I could go to a game with him and stunt on all of the other chicks that
were envious of my position.

After I got over myself and settled down, I took in the atmosphere and quickly
realized nobody was hear to watch the football team play. It was all about the
band. And man, the band was crazy as hell. SHaking their ass, playing all of the
best jams, and generally pleasing the crowd who roared for every detail of their
routine. I was captivated by it all.
After half time, and the colorful performance, which was more than just the green
and orange of the team colors but also the climax of the game, we exited the
stadium along with half of everyone else.

"You enjoyed yourself?" Tip smiled.

"I did. That band. Crazy" I laughed.

"I know, right? They trip me out every-time".

"I ain't never seen no stuff like that. I mean, the team is pretty sorry. But
everything else was great" smiled.

"You ain't right" he said, shaking his head with a grin.

"Me? You the one that deciding to leave in the third quarter" I shot.

"Yeah but them boys losing 24 to nothing. They ain't coming back" he smiled.

We heard from the outside of the stadium that the Rattlers had just scored a
touchdown. Tip and I laughed all th e way back to his car. He told me he had to
make a few errands and that I could ride if I wanted. With me not having much of
a social life, it sounded a whole a lot more exciting than going back to the dorm
to watch Michelle study.
"Sure. I'll go" I smiled.

We rode in his Chevy with the windows down, into the night, music blasting. He
drove so fast that the wind would literally drown me as it blew in my face. I had
to actually hold my breath until we'd hit a red light or a stop sign. I think he
noticed because he asked if he needed to roll my window up. There was still so
much about him that I didn't know and wanted to ask, but I didn't know where to
begin. I was so inexperienced with guys. I mean, I had dated Lyndell and had
kissed a few other guys here and there, but none of it was that serious and none
of the opportunities came too often. But here Tip was, or should I say there I was,
in his car riding around Tallahassee.

"What you thinkin bout?" he asked, breaking my thought.

"Nothing, really" I said, not wanting to tell him.

"Come on 16. Whats going on in your head" he smiled.

"That right there" I laughed, "The entire 16 thing" I said.

"What bout it, shawty?"

"Why I gotta be 16? I'm 17" I said.

"Don't matter. You're always gonna be 16 to me" he chuckled.

"Huh? How does that make sense?" I asked.

"I name people I meet based on first impressions" he said.

"And your first impression of me was that I was 16? I thought it was that I was
fine? Ain't that what you said?" I accused.

He laughed, "what?"

"The first comment you made to me was that I was fine. That was your first
impression. You didn't find out that I was 16 till later" I said, building my
argument.

"I said that?" he grinned.

"Yes you did" I said.

"Shit. I guess you right, 16".

"SEE! You keep calling me that. Stop" I said, sighing while he laughed.

"How about this Shawty. When you turn 18. I will stop calling you 16. Till then, I'll
keep calling you that" he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"It reminds me that you are off limits" he said, this time serious.

"Yeah, no thanks to you. No guy will even look at me" I said.

"Which is how it should be. You should at the least finish off your minor years
without getting with the likes of me and them other thirsty niggas" he said.

"If you feel like that then why even hang with me? It's like you are being a tease,
Tip".

He drove with his eyes focused on the road, he didn't reply. Eventually he pulled
up to a project complex slowly, looking around, and then he parked.

"Shawty. We in the Trap right now. I gotta re-up. Stay here. I'll be back in 5
minutes. Don't open the door for no one. Here" he said before tossing me his cell
phone.

"Hold 1 if you see anybody around, aight?"

What the hell? I hadn't signed up for this. He took me to a place where he would
get his drugs? And he wanted me to be some sort of lookout? When I gave him
the concerned look a smile crept across his face.

"Don't worry. It's no thang. I'll be right back and I will answer your question when
I get back".

He closed the door, winked at me, and walked onto the sidewalk towards the
apartments. I couldn't believe it. I looked around and noticed one of the
streetlights was out, leaving a dimly lit parking lot in this unfamiliar part of
Tallahassee. This was crazy. What did he mean don't open the door for anyone?
Anyone like who? And if I seen anybody like who? I held the cell phone and my
curiosity got the best of me, I opened it. I figured it was his personal phone, and
his other cell was his work related phone.

I was really annoyed with Tip for bringing me there without my permission. I
mean, maybe I should have expected it when he said he had to run an errand,
but still, I didn't know. I wasn't all street smart and shit. Guys could really be
asses, even the sweet ones. But what should I have expected? He is a drug
dealer. A damn drug dealer. Maybe everything I liked about him was too good to
be true. Maybe. But since he had brought me here without asking, I was going to
go into his phone without asking. I went straight for his text messages.

The first one I saw was from someone named Cris. Not Chris, but Cris.
Received 4:55 PM: Let me know if you can do it or not

I started skimming through the messages quick. I couldn't decipher what any of
them meant. There was hardly any context behind them at all. I looked around to
make sure no one was coming and continued to skim. My skimming eventually
paid off, in a big way. There was a text from a girl named Nicki, and when I
clicked on it, her picture came up. The same Nicki that had rolled her eyes at me
at the party and had been chilling with Jarvis.

Received 1:03 AM: What does she have that I don't Clifford? WHAT?

Received: 1:06 AM: I can't believe I lost anything to you. Everything remotely
bad in life. I hope it happens to you. JUST YOU...

I was going to go to the next message and then go into his outbox to see what he
had seen but I heard a tap on the window, it was Tip. I quickly exited his
messages and returned to the home screen, on the low. I didn't think he saw me
because of how dark it was. Plus, he was smiling. He opened the back door and
put some bookbags in the backseat. Whatever he was carrying looked like it was
heavy. He was straining.

Smurf came right behind him and loaded a few more bags in the backseat. I
couldn't believe this. I was about to be riding DIRTY with him. What if we got
pulled over by the police? This was crazy.

"Wats happening baebay" Smurf as he peaked in the car, looking at me.

I waved back silently and even in the dark night I could see his grill shining. They
finished loading the backseat and said a few words to each other before Tip
returned to the drivers side and got in. I was uncomfortable with this entire set
up. From the message with Nicki to the drugs in the backseat. I had to pick one of
them to express to Tip, and as crazy as it sounds, it was a difficult decision. But
fortunately, I cared more about my freedom than my pussy, and I decided to
bring up the drugs.

"Tip. Why didn't you tell me you were coming to re-up"? I asked.

He giggled, "I didn't think it was all that important" he replied.

This angered me. This was worst than treating me like a child. He was treating
me like I was a dummy. Not important? Who was he to decide what was
important?"

"Tip. I don't feel comfortable with you having drugs in your car while I am in it" I
said, fully intending to call Kelly and have him put me out.

He laughed. Can you believe it? Laughed at my comment. He saw the anger in
my eyes but proceeded to pull over to the side of the road. What was he doing
now?

"Why are we stopping?" I asked.

"I want to show you something" he said, still grinning.

"Tip. No. I think I am just going to get out and call my friend" I began.

"16. Chill out Shawty. Just look" he said.

He reached in the backseat and strained as he pulled one of the backpacks into
the front seat. What was he doing? I didn't want to be caught dead with any of
this.

"Tip, no" I said.

He put his hand up, "Shawty...just look. Trust me".

I looked down at the bag, and he unzipped it. I guess you can say what I saw was
unexpected. I saw scantrons. Pencils packages. Pen packages. And a host of
other things. But not one pack, but tons of them. WHat was this

"I don't get what I am looking at" I said.

He laughed, "You're looking at school supplies" he said.

"Ok. I see that. But" I didn't even know what to ask, I was confused.

This amused him greatly but it was pissing me off.

"Aight Shawty. I see you are getting mad. I apologize for f*cking with you. All of
these bags are filled with school supplies me and my podnas get a discount on.
We sell them on campus cheaper than they sell the same stuff in the bookstore.
Big money. My re-up wasn't to get drugs. It was to get more supplies" he said.

WHAT? Wow, I was completely out of the loop with this one.

"I thought I'd play with you. But seriously Bee. You think I would ride around with
you with drugs in my car? Come on now. You gotta think I'm better than that" he
said.

"I thought you were better than that" I said.

"Well. I wouldn't do that to you. I respect you too much. But I am a man of my
word. I told you that I'd answer your question so here it is. I like you. I really like
you alot, you feel me? You're the type of chick I can see myself f*cking with on a
serious tip. But I also know I'm walking a thin line with you because you are
younger. I guess I'm just too selfish to give you up completely. So I try to get to
know you while still kicking things on a friend tip. I don't mean to tease. I like
you, and I want you to know it if you were confused. But I don't want to take
advantage of your youth either" he said.

"How would you be taking advantage of it? The age difference is only 2 years,
Tip" I said.

"Maybe. But it still doesn't sound right. I guess I couldn't live with myself" he said,
showing a side of him I hadn't seen.

"So what? Are you waiting for my 18th birthday and then you are going to try and
be with me?" I asked.

"It sounds bad when you put it like that. But. I guess the boot fits" he said.

"That is so tacky" I laughed.

"I know it is. Blame it on the weakness of men. We are some weak creatures for
beauty".

I laughed, listening to him try to explain his way out of this one. I should have
been mad, I waned to be. But in a way, his honesty, and his willingness to be
honest about it was really cute. Made him seem more human that he had been to
me before. His nobleness was all relative. He had first dibs on me and he knew it.
He could keep me pure while he waited for me to be legal so he could have me to
himself. What an asshole. But an honest asshole, I guess.

"Tip" I said.

"Yeah?"

"Crank up the car and lets go get something to eat" I smiled.

"Yes Ma'am".

"And give me a few of those pencils and scantrons. I need em" I demanded.

He laughed.

We went to eat and I thought about asking him about Nicki but I decided against
it. I was going to observe Tip from now on, especially since I was finally privy to
his feelings for me. I had taken some power away from him. I think I grew up
before his eyes in just one night.

**

The semester went by quick, much quicker than I had realized when homecoming
rolled around. Even though I no longer had partying to keep me occupied, I was a
busy girl. When I wasn't studying or doing homework for one of my six classes I
was hanging with Jarvis or Michelle or Tip. Since Kelly lived almost an hour away,
we didn't have much time to spend together especially since my school schedule
and hers weren't at all compatible. She was doing well at TCC in her first
semester, and we'd try to see each other on weekends as much as we could.

One Saturday while we were out eating ice cream she told she had something to
tell me.

"What?" I asked, eating the cone from the bottom.

"I met someone" she said, real low and checking for my reaction.

"What does THAT mean?" I smiled, "You met someone. Someone like who".

"A guy, girl. A very sweet, kind hearted guy".

"Sweet and kind hearted? I want to know is he FINE?" I laughed.

She didn't laugh.

"I think he is handsome. Kind of chubby, but he is nice looking".

Nice looking? That is what people said as a euphemism when someone was ugly.
Kelly had never once described any guy she liked as nice looking. It was either
ugly with a nice body, or fine, or fine as hell, or fine as shit. That was how she
would describe her new guy to me. But nice looking? And kind hearted? What
was this shit?

"Well. I'm guessing you are telling me cuz you like him, right?" I asked.

"Yeah. I really do. I didn't think I would, but he's great. We have a lot in common.
He's at TCC too" she said.

"A lot in common like what?" I asked.

"Well for one. We were both adopted. For two. He was told all of his life that he
was stupid and wouldn't amount to anything. For three. We like the same kind of
movies and music. I mean, me and him can talk for hours".

"How long yall been talking Kelly?"

"Since August. We both got math together. Intermediate Algebra. And you know
how I suck at math right. Well he is actually really good" she said.

I wanted to laugh at that statement.

"How is he really good if he is taking Intermediate Algebra? I took Cal my first

semester" I said, dangerously close to boasting.

"Well it's because he has been out of school for a while. But he decided to go
back".

"How long has he been out?" I asked.

"...Ok. Now promise you wont judge me" Kelly said, shyly.

"Kelly....how long has this NIGGA been out of school" I said.

"7 years" she said timidly, in a fake ass smile.

"Seven years? Well how old is he?"

"He is 26. But Bee. He is really a sweetheart. I'm telling you because I want you
to meet him" she said.

I got this strange, very strange feeling seeing Kelly tell me about him. She had
told me about so many guys before, but none of them were ever explained to
me like this. It was weird. Something was fishy. I had to ask.

"Kelly, did you f*ck him?"

She laughed. I wasn't laughing. I was waiting for an answer. But I guess it was
never going to come verbally. She simply nodded her head yes.

"Oh my God. In 2 months? When did this happen, Kelly?" I exclaimed.

"We slept together earlier this week. First time. Afterwards, I was like damn. And I
haven't even introduced him to my girl yet. That's all extra backwards" she
blushed.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me" I laughed. But then, I thought about the
summer party. The party where I could have been raped. I had deliberately
decided not to tell Kelly because I didn't want to worry her. Plus, all of my other
friends had the mandate to not let me party, I didn't want Kelly to start getting all
over protective too. I guess we both had witheld something from each other that
usually would be told as in a matter of minutes.

"I'm sorry. But I really wanted to make sure there was really something there
before I told anyone. And well, after that night, I can confidently say there is
something there" she grinned.

"Was he any good?" I asked. Of course I'd ask that. It's a rule.

"He was really good, girl. He worked me. Shit, he passed all of the rest when it
came to being sweet and everything. But he wasn't going to be my boyfriend
until I found out how he was in bed" she laughed.

I shook my head and laughed, "Trifling girl. Straight trifling".

"Well Hey...im honest. But he passed, girl. With flying colors, or however that
saying goes. And I want you to meet him".

"Ok cool. When?"

"How about tonight?"

"Tonight?"

"Yeah. He has his son for the weekend though" she said.

"Wait, wait. WHAT? This guy has children?"

"Not childDRAN. A child. One. He's 5. He's a sweetheart too".

"Kelly, I don't know about this. You are dating an older guy that has a baby?
Where the baby momma at?"

"She lives in Tally. But it's really no drama there. Trust me on this one Bee. I
would not be trying to be with this guy if I didn't really feel it was something
worth exploring".

She seemed passionate about this. Way more passionate about defending a
jobless, dude with no education and a baby momma than she ever had before.
But hey. If this was what she wanted, so be it.

"Aight girl. Let's meet him".

She called him and he showed up at the Ice Cream place about 20 minutes later,
with his son. Kelly had straight lied to me. Nice looking? This man was fat!
His little man was cute. I had no issue with that. But come on Kelly. This was the
best you could do? I talked to the guy but I just couldn't get over how
unattractive I found him to be and that my best friend had actually slept with
him. Usually anytime she linked up with a new guy I would want all the details. If
she sucked his dick, if he ate her pussy, and all the nasty details like how big it
was and what positions. But with him? Quenton, which was his name, I didn't
even bother to ask when Kelly drove me back to my campus.

I lied the entire time. She asked if I liked him, I said yeah. I mean, he seemed cool
and all. But just not good enough for Kelly. I didn't think I was being a prude or
superficial by saying that either. He was unemployed at 26. Had a child out of
wedlock, and was in his first semester of a community college. Kelly deserved a
senior Pre-Law that was in shape and had a car. This guy walked with his son to
the ice cream place. Granted I didn't know how far their home was from it, but
still. Sigh. Kelly, girl, what happened?

I gave her a kiss and kept my comments to myself. Comments like that could
seriously hurt some feelings, and I was prepared to never hurt hers again.

**

Professor Pounders class was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. She
was so eloquent in every thought she expressed and she opened my eyes to the
demeaning of women in this country. From sex trades to lack of jobs to even 90%
of women in the military claiming they had been sexually harassed by their
peers. Her class was all about illuminating issues for black women, and all
women. But instead of shining a flashlight on these things, it was like looking
directly into the sun. Too much. Too overwhelming. Too much truth.
Mr. Carters philosophy class was equally as rewarding, although less painful. His
wit and charm was every bit as alive in that classroom as it was in Ethics. But this
time, I appreciated it to the fullest, participating in the class discussions and
taking heed to his directions when I wrote papers.

I finished the semester once again with straight A's, and by winter break, I
already had 30 credits complete, not including my AP credits that transferred in
from High School. I went home excited, ready to tell my people about my grades
and everything I had learned from the courses. I felt more sophisticated and
knowledgeable about the world. I felt more like a woman than when I had left in
August. From NAACP to philosophy with a one of a kind professor to womens
studies with a true feminist, I was being transformed from the sheltered girl I
was.

I was happy when I came home for Christmas break. But my happiness was shot
down after hearing my family make comments about me that I didn't even realize
until I stepped on a scale.

"Damn Bee. You done got FAT girl" Solo laughed as I stood butt naked on my
bathroom scale, hoping losing my clothes would shave some pounds.

I couldn't believe my eyes. I had gained 23 pounds in 5 months. It started off with
me having a phatter ass, but now my cheeks were puffy, my titties were hanging
a little lower and my thighs and legs looked were full of jiggle.

"Solo, I look AWFUL" I screamed, truly staring at my self in the mirror first time in
months.

it was crazy how some of these things never really were noticeable until someone
pointed them out. And Ricky, my daddy, my momma, and Solo herself all pointed
it out to me within the first few seconds of seeing me. I mean, of course I wasn't
oblivious to a little weight gain. But all of the people around me said it looked
good. They said I was thick. And I blamed the clothes getting smaller on me not
knowing how to properly wash my clothes since laundry was new to me. I would
blame it on my clothes shrinking instead of me getting fat. And plus it gave me
an excuse to go buy new clothes.

But when dad picked me up from the plane station. What did he say?

"Getting some puffy cheeks sweetheart".

And what about my mom when I walked into the kitchen. What did she say?

"You look great baby. You sure are eating good".

What a blatant euphemism for how did I get so fat. Oh and of course Ricky had
something to say. Except he flat out said it.
"Beyonce...the heck happened to you? You're huge".

I'm fat. Eating all that food whenever I wanted and not working out at all had
caused me to go past the freshman 15 in just half a year. Ok, so sure I wasn't a
whale. I was only 144 at 5'7, but when I was in the 120s when I started, that was
a dramatic change for me. But I was surrounded by the goodness of home
cooking when I came home. I didn't want to starve myself, especially since I had
missed this food so much. I decided for my new years resolution, I'd join a gym
and lose 25 pounds. There was no way I'd get fatter than what I was now. No
f*cking way.

Well, that went for AFTER the holidays.

Chapter 7

Some things just don't fit and never will fit. They just don't go together. Black
people playing hockey. Or eating cereal with water. Or Skinny Jeans on men.
Well, it seems they were finding a way to make those fit, but that is beside the
point. The point is, some things from the outside looking in just never makes any
rational sense. The day I walked into my African American History class; a class
on a predominately black campus, and saw a guy as white as Mary's little lamb, I
wondered if it was some sort of trick. His name was Chris, I had seen him around
campus a few times, he stood out like a pimple. A random ass pimple on an
otherwise consistent face.

I had no problem against white people, hell I grew up around them and I had
been accused of being a "white girl", but I could not for the life of me understand
why one would even want to subject themselves to the scrutiny and microscope
of a mostly black campus. Every little thing they did would be magnified because
they were the minority. Everything they did would represent their race. You
couldn't be an individual as a minority in a place dominated by the majority. You
were a representative. Fair or not, you were the microcosm for everything
associated, loosely or tightly, with your race.

I learned in my women in America class about race, gender, and their respected
roles in a society. Well, this campus was a society and although we could be cute
and act like these things didn't matter. They did. I didn't see Chris, one of 30
other students sitting in a classroom waiting for the teacher to arrive. I saw Chris,
the one white kid in the class, so out of place that it was distracting. Like, no one
accidentally winds up at this campus. There are reasons you come to FAM. What
was his and how did it compare to the other 96% of the school that was of color.

Of course I kept my mouth shut. Who would I be to judge him out loud? I would
keep it to myself, like I did everything else. Our teacher walked in, a militant
looking black man with a limp. He looked like he meant business, and I guess that
is what complicates this all the more. He asked us, first day, who was the most
important black man in the civil rights movement that didn't receive press.

A few people raised their hands, some knucklehead said Martin Luther King, and
someone said W.E.B. Dubois, but every answer that was thrown out was wrong.
This seemed to anger the teacher.

"NONE of yall can answer this question?" he asked.

We all looked around at each other, silent. I got the feeling he was the type of
teacher that wanted to revoke our black cards for not knowing the answer. We
would have to prove ourselves to him before we could have the privilege of
calling ourselves black. I guess it would be a grueling semester for us to get to
that point.

"Was it A. Phillip Randolph?" said a British voice that could have only belonged to
one person.

We all turned around where the sore thumb was standing out and smiling. I
looked at him and we locked eyes briefly before he turned his attention towards
the instructor; I followed.

"What made you come to that answer?" asked the instructor.

"Well I believe he organized the marches that Dr. King and the other civil rights
leaders were apart of".

"Hmm. This is going to be an interesting semester. That was absolutely right sir.
What is your name, son?" asked the instructor.

"Chris" he said gently.

"Well Chris. I'm glad at least you have some understanding of African American
history, before taking this course".

Men wearing skinny jeans. I guess it can fit.

**

I didn't want to go to the gym on campus. I had certain feelings about trying to
lose weight around my peers, it seemed like it was an infringe on my privacy. I
didn't see that as something to share with people I knew. Losing weight or trying
to do so was kind of embarrassing. Nothing to advertise and nothing I wanted to
go around school. If they noticed I lost, that was one thing. But I didn't want them
having the opportunity to watch the process. I signed up for a 6 month
membership at a gym with some Christmas money I had received for getting
straight A's from my aunt and uncle. I figured I would go four days a week and
work out for two hours and hopefully I could lose all of the weight I had gained by
Spring Break.

There was no way I'd be happy going to Miami having to wear a one piece
bathing suit because I was too self conscious to be seen in a two piece. I didn't
want to be ashamed of my body. I wanted to show it off with confidence. My ipod
nano that Kelly had bought me would be my company, I downloaded a ton of
workout music and bought sweats and running shoes for the treadmill. I was
going to get this weight off of me; no questions asked.

I caught the bus to the area, which was 20 minutes away from my campus, and
walked through the parking lot carrying my gym bag, which had a change of
clothes, a towel, a bottle of water, and some smell good shit. I was always
prepared for funk.

While in the parking lot I ran into a few other girls who were headed my way.
They were cordial and nodded their head at me which I returned. They didn't look
as if they needed to lose any weight though. They looked fine to me. Which only
pissed me off. I had to get myself to look like that, and fast.
My first workout was pretty light, as I had never worked out before in my life. My
shape and weight had always came natural, but I watched what the other women
were doing and just followed suit. I did the treadmill for 30 minutes, then did a
few reps with some weights than i did the treadmill again for another 30 minutes.
I was exhausted when i was done and my muscles hurt when I went home to
sleep, but I felt accomplished. I had a goal in mind. No pain, no gain.

I became a consistent gym rat with nothing else to do when I wasn't doing work.
Jarvis had gotten more involved with school functions and Michelle was always
studying or something so that left me alone so much of the time on campus. Tip
refused to spend too much time with me, for fear of him slipping up. He loved the
weight I had put on, said he liked the meat on my bones. I told him well he should
like that I was working out since it would mean he would be less tempted. Kelly
was spending so much time with her man that our already small window of
opportunity to hang out got even smaller. It had been weeks since I had seen her
and even phone calls were usually short.
I decided going to the gym to help cure my boredom and reach my goal of weight
loss was productive enough to kill two birds with one stone, and it could make me
feel better. There were many people at the gym that I saw often, but one of them
caught my eye. It was the same woman I saw the first day I had came. Her body
was great, from what I saw and I found myself comparing mine with hers. She
had an interesting look, I was curious as to what her ethnicity was. After weeks of
my random stares, she finally spoke to me as we both walked the treadmill to
cool off after a 15 minute jog.

"What's your goal?" she asked, in a very intriguing accent.

"My what?" I asked, as I walked.

"Goal. How much you trying to lose?" she asked.

"Oh. Like, 15 to 20 more" I said.

She nodded her head, but remained silent, just walking.

"What's your goal?" I asked, in a small grin.

"To not look like that woman over there" she said bluntly, motioning with her
head who she was talking about.

She was referencing a woman that had to be at least 300 pounds who had a
personal trailer helping her do cardio exercises. I didn't know if that was suppose
to be a joke, and even if it was, I wasn't suppose to laugh at it. But I couldn't help
it. The politically incorrect statement along with how serious she looked made it
something I laughed at for the next two minutes. She wasn't even smiling. She
was dead serious.

When I calmed down from laughing, she took a sip of water and extended her
hand.

"My name is Rihanna. Most call me RiRi. Or when they want to f*ck. So take your
pick" she smiled.

I started giggling again, this girl was crazy, but I reached for her hand when I
noticed something that almost scared me. Her arms were covered in bubbled up
scars. My God.

"Don't worry, it's not contagious. Addicting, but not contagious. They are self
inflicted" she said.

"You're a cutter?" I asked, still focusing on them.

"Is that was it's called?....hmmm then yeah. Cutter. That's what I do" she said.
I didn't know what to say. This was a strange way to start a conversation. I tried
to smile just to hide what was really going on in my head.

"So are you gonna tell me your name? Or do you want another close up of my
arm?" she asked.

"Oh. Sorry. Just kind of taken back by those. They look...interesting. But. I'm
Beyonce. People call me Bee".

"Well Nice to meet you Beyonce. I see you in here all the time. Thought I should
speak. And I guess offer my opinion that I don't think you should lose. You really
carry your weight well. Not everybody should aspire to be a skinny b*tch".

"Well I don't want to be skinny. But I would like to lose some so I can fit into a
respectable bathing suit for Spring Break" I said.

"Any bathing suit that shows off your ass is respectable" she smiled.

"Yeah, for the guys" I laughed.

"Isn't that who the bathing suits are for anyway?" she laughed back.

"Not ALL the time. I want to look good for me too" I said.

"Yeah I guess you are right. Sometimes I do like to just look at myself naked in
the mirror, admiring everything. Ain't nothing wrong with a little narcissism".

"Just a little" I added with a grin.

"So Beyonce, is there a special guy you are wanting to lose weight for? A guy that
doesn't like ass and thighs?" she asked.

"No one in particular, no" I said.

"Well hunny don't go to spring break hoping to catch one worth keeping. Cuz
after the spring fling on spring break, they break. Although I salute you if you are
the one looking for a hit and run" she went on.

She was so to the point and slick at the mouth, it was hard to even believe it.
Was I on Punk'd or something? And for the next hour, we talked as we worked out
and she kept me laughing the entire time. It was something about her that was
highly intoxicating. From her accent to her potty mouth to her scars, I got lost in
the conversation with her. I had never met someone that could remain soft and
feminine while cursing so much, not to mention the tattoos and other markings
she had on her body. What an intimidating beauty.

"Rihanna. What are you? Like, your ethnicity?" I asked.

"Congrats!" she said, out of nowhere.

"For what?" I asked, curiously.

"You are the 1 millionth person to ask me that. You win a trip to the vending
machine over there" she smiled, pointing towards the soda machines.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

She stopped her treadmill, reached in her pocket and pulled out a $5 bill.

"Get me a diet coke. Get something if you want. And bring me my damn change.
I'll tell you my ethnicity upon your return and my exact change. Thank you very
much" she smiled.

This is another area where gender matters. If a male would have said this to me, I
probably would have gave him the bird. But this chick? I couldn't help but laugh
at everything she said and did. Her antics, her confidence in it, and her smartass
mouth was something I needed in my damn life with Jarvis out doing other things.
I happily walked my ass over to the vending machine, got me some Gatorade,
and made sure to bring her exact change back. I handed her the diet coke and
change and smiled as she counted each and every penny. I loved this girl.

"My mom is Afro-Bajan, and my dad is Italian. I lived with my mother in South
America for 10 years. She couldn't raise me properly so I was sent to live with my
dad here in the States. I know you didn't ask, but I know that question was next
so I got it out of the way. Any other questions regarding my light brightness or
accent" she asked.

Her words could have been perceived as rude or that she was annoyed with
answering, but the smile on her face said otherwise. And if she really didn't want
to answer, no one was forcing her to. I really think this was just how she was;
functionally crazy.

We ended up chatting past our normal workout times and when I told her I had to
catch the bus she offered me a ride.

"Where you going?" she asked.

"FAM" I said.

"Oh Gawd. You go to DAT ghetto ass school?" she frowned.

"Hey now. I'm a proud Rattler" I smiled.

"Do not ever say that out loud ever again. Ever, in life. If a killer put a gun to your
head and told you to say you were a proud Rattler or he'd pull the trigger. Take
that time to get your life right with Jesus Christ" she said, seriously.

I laughed hard at this, but was still feeling offended over her dissing my school.

"Hey. FAM is really not that bad".

"Beyonce. I would not lie to you. I really wouldn't. No reason to. But yes, it IS that
bad".

"Why? What's so bad about it?"

"I had a girlfriend that went there. A friend that was a girl. Not a b*tch whose
pussy I was eating. Anyway, she told me about all types of ghetto ass shit going
on there. Some that I wont even repeat out loud. But the fact that its a crab
outbreak there in the female dorms every year and that half of the niggas
accepted there wrote their who is your role model paper on Tupac should be
enough to never step foot on that campus".

"I think your friend was just telling urban legends. I've been there three
semesters now. I've seen none of that".

"Ok Beyonce. If you say so. Be a Proud Rattler. Don't ever say I never tried to
give you anything" she grinned.

"What did you try to give me?" I asked.

"A dose of reality".

"Girl, Whatever. Turn left here" I laughed.

"So what do you do? You a student? You go to FSU or something?" I asked.

"Nah. I dropped out of school. I'm a cliche. A girl saving up money so she can
move to New York or L.A. to get her modeling career going" she said.

"Oh wow, so you model? That's believable. You are gorgeous.....But" I paused.

"But what? My scars?" she said.

"Yeah. I mean, how does that fly?"

"It doesn't. These usually go away in a few months. I have a portfolio of pre-scar
pics. Right now I am doing other kind of modeling. Life Drawing modeling. I want
a Big Mac, you hungry?" she asked out of nowhere.

"How you gonna eat a Big Mac right after working out?" I asked.

"You're right" she said, "Make it a Quarter Pounder instead".

She got her food, the full meal with large fries and two apple pies to go along
with a diet soda. I passed as I didn't want to ruin what had been a productive
workout. Maybe she could afford to take down some apple pies. She was as thin
as a twig. Me? I had to get this last bit of weight off of me. She drove while
stuffing her face, burping and farting like it was as natural and socially
acceptable as breathing. Did I mention that this girl was crazy?

"I gotta introduce you to my friend Jarvis. You guys must have been separated
from birth" I laughed.

"Jarvis? Sounds like he is ghay. He is ghay isn't he?" she asked.

"How in the hell did YOU know that?".

"Well if we are alike then I assume he is flamboyant. And I don't know. Jarvis
sounds like a homosexuals name. Plus I don't see you hanging with too many
straight guys as friends. You're too sexy for all that".

"Is that your way of complimenting me? I don't know your methods yet" I said.

"No I complimented you earlier when i said you shouldn't lose any more weight. I
was analyzing with that last comment. Fine b*tches can't have straight male
friends. Just doesn't work" she said.

"Well that's where you are wrong. I do have a very straight male friend" I said.

"He wanna f*ck you?" she asked.

"Yes. But he is waiting" I responded.

"Then he is on the DL or f*cking another girl. Guys don't wait. Trust me" she said.

"Whatever" I said, shaking my head.

What if Tip was f*cking other girls? I mean, that was to be expected right? What if
that girl was Nicki, though?

When she dropped me off we exchanged phone numbers and made plans to work
out together more-often. I had never met someone in the manner that I met RiRi.
Getting into Mr. C's class my first semester may have been fate. But meeting RiRi
at the gym was destiny.

**

My African American history class took an interesting turn when the professor
said we had an assignment to find someone that is a valuable asset to the African
American community and write a paper about how they contribute. We were to
interview them and find out as much about their life as we could. The teacher
had assigned us partners and of course I was assigned with Chris, it only made
sense. Put the minority (17 year old) with the other minority (white boy). Chris
ended up emailing me and suggesting we do our assignment on Mr. Carter.

I realized that the boy could have some great ideas. Mr. Carter was a perfect
choice for the assignment. He was involved in NAACP, a great teacher, and was
right on campus so he would be easy to reach. But first, I had to convince Mr.
Carter to accept our proposal.

I went to his office early one morning, before class and before any other students
invaded. He was surprised to see me. I was in my Rattler sweater and panjama
pants, sitting down by his door. He jumped back when he saw me.

"Please tell me you just sat down there and didn't sleep there" he said.

"What do you think I did, Mr. C?" I grinned.

"I don't know with those pajama pants" he said, putting his key into his office
door and opening it. The building was virtually empty. It was 6:45 am.

"So what brings you to my offices so early Miss. Knowles" he asked.

"I have a question to ask" I said, rising from the floor.

"Hopefully I have an answer".

"Ok. So".

"Wait wait wait, stop" he interrupted.

I raised my eyebrow. Stop what?

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" I asked.

"You begin your sentences by saying Ok So".

"I do what?" I asked, laughing.

"This is you. OK. So. Blah Blah Blah", he said, "Why not just start with the blah
blah blah".

"Mr. C is it that big of a deal?"

"Yes. And you know what. I will not answer whatever question you have unless
you promise me something" he said.

"Promise you want?"

"Promise me you will take a Public Speaking class next semester".

"WHat? Why".

"Because you say Ok So before talking. You have a great way with words. Your
essays in both Philosophy and Ethics showed that. But your public speaking
needs some work. I want to see you well rounded" he said.

"Just hurt my feelings, why don't you" I sighed.

"Welcome to college, Miss Knowles. It's all about having your feelings hurt so you
can become the best student you can be. Promise me you will take public
speaking as an elective before it's too late" he said.

I looked in his eyes, and they were sincere and true. He wanted me to take the
class. If Mr. C wanted it, then he got it. How could I say no?

"Ok. I promise. I'll take Public Speaking" I sighed, "BUT, you have to do this one
favor for me".

Now he was raising his eyebrow.

"Ok. So" I started, which made his eyes grow wide and made me laugh.

"Ok for real for real. I have this assignment for An African American class".

"Professor Alexander or Lewis?" he asked.

"Lewis".

"Ouch. I heard he is tough. But continue".

"So, we have to do write a paper on someone who is a pillar in the black

community".

"And?".

"And...Well, I think you would be a great choice for the assignment".

"You want to write a paper on me?" he asked, looking for clarity.

"Yeah. Me and my partner. We have to interview someone in the community and

chronicle what they do. Well you are a teacher and in NAACP so I think you would
be great".
"Beyonce, I don't really like the sound of that" he stared.

"If you say no then I won't do public speaking" I said.

"But the public speaking is for you, Miss Knowles. It's not for me. It's for you" he
said, emphasizing it.

"Nope. If i took it, it would be for you" I countered.

He didn't say anything at first. We looked at each other for a minute and he
assessed my grin. I figured I had him cornered.

"So you really won't take the class if I say no?"

"Nope. I will take something non-stimulating and easy like TV or sports" I smiled.

"Ugh" he said, shaking his head.

"Well are you going to let me do that if you can control it? Is that ethical?" I
asked, still grinning.

"What exactly do I have to do?".

"Just whatever you normally do. My partner and I will just shadow you a few
times, interview you, and then write the paper. You don't have to do anything but
be receptive to our questions" I said.

He took a deep breath and then sighed.

"Ok Beyonce. Just know. I will be checking your schedule next semester and
public speaking better be on there. If it ain't, I will come looking for you" he said,
sternly.

"Thank you Thank you Thank you Mr. C" I said.

"Yeah. Thank me by not saying Ok So anymore to begin a sentence" he said.

Mr. Carter could be so awesome.

Chapter 8
I continued my goal of weight loss by sticking to the Vegetarian side of the buffet
line, including eating lots of fruits and veggies and protein. I figured once I lost
the weight I could ease back into eating the foods I normally ate. I could keep the
weight off by continuing to work out, which I actually grew pretty fond of. Maybe I
liked it because I was showing progress or maybe I liked it because RiRi was
there with me most of the time, cutting up. Either way, the gym became my
second home.

In late February I attended NAACP meeting with Chris because we were suppose
to record some footage of Mr. Carter. Chris was good with video editing, so we
got approval from Mr. Lewis to make a documentary, 20 minutes or so, about Mr.
Carter. If it was good enough it would actually be submitted to the school Library,
which added extra incentive for us to do it right.

While there, I ran into Nicki who I had seen around but didn't speak to much. I
spoke to her, still thinking we were cool because of our mutual friend in Jarvis,
but still very aware that she and Tip had some sort of history.

"Hey, Nicki. How are you doing?" I asked.

She looked at me for a few seconds, then at Chris. She tilted her head and then
smiled, showing off those unnaturally white teeth.

"I'm great sweety. And yourself?"

"Good. I see you at the meetings all the time. Are you looking to be on the
committee?" I asked.

"Yes. I will be running for school government and NAACP board member. Jarvis
too" she said.

"Oh that's cool. I haven't hung with Jarvis in a minute. Ima have to call him" I
smiled.

"You do that" she smiled back, before looking past Chris instead of at him.

"Whose your friend?" she smiled.

"Oh this is Chris. He's my partner for an assignment. Chris, this is Nicki" I said.

She shook his hand and then turned her attentions back to me, a small smile still
visible.

"Beyonce, can I ask you something? I've been wondering it for awhile" she said.

I didn't know what it could be, but I assumed it had something to do with Tip. I
braced for the worst.

"Yeah, sure. Wassup?" I asked.

"Are you even black? You look mixed with something" she said.

What kind of question was that? And why did it matter anyway? I was sure I
looked at her with my side eye face, but she just continued to smile, like shit was
all good.
"I'm black, Nicki. My dad is black. My mother is black creole. I'm black" I said.

"Creole? Aren't Creoles French? I think that makes you bi-racial, sweetheart" she
smiled.

"No. It makes me black" I said, defensive.

"Woah woah sweetness. No need to get hostile. I just was curious. You are
beautiful either way, it doesn't matter if you are black or not" she insisted, truly a
back handed compliment.

I couldn't believe how rude she was. She turned to Chris, frowned her face while
still smiling, how was that even possible?

"See you around Beyonce; and Chris" she said before turning and walking away,
making sure her big ass swayed back and forth for all to see.

"What just happened" Chris smiled.

"We just got disrespected. That's what happened" I said, focusing in on that girl
and hating her with all of my being.

"She was only partially right about the Creole thing" he said, although I wasn't
even really listening to him. I was staring at her, watching her walk over to a
group of women, all of the IG, who were looking over at me and laughing.

What had I done for them to just be so blatant in talking about me? I had done
nothing to those chicks. I didn't have experience with how to deal with this. My
first instincts were to cry, being made fun of my women and not even knowing
why. I never had been around a large group of peers like this, not since I had
been taking out of public school. How was I to deal with this?

The first thing I did after NAACP was call Jarvis. I mean, this was HIS friend.

"Hey momma. I ain't heard from you in a minute" he said, sounding happy to
hear from me.

"What the hell is wrong with your idiot friend, Nicki?" I barked.

He laughed, "What this ho done did this time".

"She just was being a b*tch to me for no reason. Saying I ain't black. Laughing in
my face with them other sorority girls. Like, for no reason. How is this girl your
friend?" I asked.

"Bee. Nicki has changed. She was my best friend growing up. She a church girl
too. I mean real conservative. She wore glasses, she was tomboy pretty much"
he laughed.
"Yeah, well she had changed for the worse. And know what. What is up with her
and Tip? I know you know" I said.

"You sure you wanna know, Bee?"

"Yes".

"Tip moved from Atlanta here to go to our HS. He met Nicki there. Pretty much
turned her out. She changed her whole style. Got contacts, started doing her
hair, make up, and wearing clothes that showed off that body she got. She fall
hard for that boy. I guess she thought if she changed and became all sexy, then
he'd stay with her. But he ended up breaking things off with her" he said.

"Did he take her virginity?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. He was her first everything. Like I said, straight turned her ass out.
Had her crying over him and everything. I told the b*tch I bet she only came to
FAM to try and get him back. She deny it but I see right through her ass. So yeah,
she can be a b*tch sometimes, but she is just insecure. That's still my girl. She'll
come around, don't take her shit serious".

"It's hard not to Jarvis when she is all smiling in my face and then rolling her eyes
the next minute. Her attitude is so stank. Talking about she is going to run for
NAACP and Government".

"Oh she is. She is smart as hell, Bee. She may not seem like it, but she was
Salutatorian at our HS. Hell she helped tutor me at times" he said.

"Well whatever. I still don't like her. She's a b*tch".

"5 star b*tch" Jarvis laughed.

"So why didn't you tell me you were going to run for government?" I asked.

"I haven't seen you around much. Michelle says you are barely in the dorms
anymore. Just never got a chance to".

"Well yeah, I been working out a lot. If you and her are running for government
then I might do it to. I'd love to beat her ass in a race for class president" I
laughed.

"Yeah right Bee. I hate to spoil that thought for you, but it would be impossible"
he said.

"Why is that? You are acting like she is God or something".

"No, I'm saying it because you aren't pledging. If you don't pledge, you don't get
to do shit in the school. It's all fraternal. No way you get in on government by
being an outsider".

"So wait, are you pledging?" I asked.

"Yeah. Gotta get in how I fit in" he said.

"Oh great. Now you will be one of them" I sighed.

"Nah momma. I got you regardless" he said.

"Uhm. We'll see".

**

Spring Break came, which meant Solo and I had conjured up the plan for her to
secretly take a trip to Miami with me and Michelle. Kelly decided not to go, she
said she had to work and wanted to spend her off time with Quenton. Whatever,
it was her lost.

Solo and Michelle seemed to hit it off pretty good. They didn't seem like they
would end up as best of friends or anything, but they got along well enough. They
hit it off better than Kelly and Michelle did, at least. We took the bus from
Tallahassee to Miami and first thing we did was go and meet Michelle's mother.
She was a nice lady, skinny just like Michelle. She was actually a splitting image
of Michelle, just older. She made us lunch and took us over to Michelle's uncles
crib where we would be spending the week.
We settled in quick, Michelle hissed her momma away, and Solo and I
immediately got into our bathing suits, ready to hit the beach. We were so
excited and Michelle seemed to get a kick out of watching us be so giddy. She
had probably been to South Beach a million times, but this was different for Solo
and I. This was a new adventure.
The first thing we did was walk around. The beach was packed, full of sunbathers,
volleyball, and things associated with spring break. College kids, cleavage, abs, it
seemed everyone had been in the gym just so they could show off their bodies
for this week. Well, not everyone, even the out of shape people were out enjoying
the sun. And the sun felt especially good hitting my body on this day, so I
couldn't even blame them. We got some drinks, placed some towels down, and
relaxed.

"I can't believe I am on South Beach right now" Solo smiled.

"Yeah. It's a lot different from Texas, huh?" I grinned.

"I actually want to visit Texas" Michelle stated.

"Ill, why? Nothing to see in Texas" Solo said.

"Well I want to visit all of the big states. California and Nevada and Texas. Just to
see it" Michelle said.

"Well how about this. You can come home with me next time I go back there" I
said.

"If I ain't in school, then cool. I was thinking I'd do all of my traveling once I
graduated. I plan to be writing on the road a lot anyway as a Journalist" she said.

"That's your major?" Solo asked.

"Yep. Always wanted to write for a paper or magazine or something".

"That's wassup. I'm still undecided on what I want to do" Solo said.

"You don't wanna be a teacher like Bee?" Michelle teased.

"Oh no" Solo said as the three of us laughed and sipped our fruit drinks.

It didn't take long for the guys to notice three beautiful girls enjoying themselves.
Which meant a football came flying our way, almost hitting me in the head as I
screamed and hurried out of the way. I should have been mad, them niggas could
have given me a black eye which would have ruined my weekend. But when I
saw the guy running up with his shirt off, I forgave it. He was FINE.
"Sorry about that" the tall, handsome, shirtless man said.

"You almost knocked my sister out" Solo spat. I poked her and gave her the do
not scare this guy off face.

"I really apologize about that. How could we make it up to you?" the man said.

Behind him were two other guys, shirtless, black, and smiling. Hm. I was sure it
was something they could do to make it up to us. They came over and sat with
us, asking us all types of questions. We all said we were college students, which
was a lie in Solo's case, but hey. We were just talking. A little fib wasn't going to
hurt.

They were flirty, really flirty and touch feely. The dark skinned guy that had first
spoke to me said I had some sand on my stomach, so he brushed it off for me.
His hands, so strong and chocolately, sent shivers through my body. I'm sure he
noticed because he grinned as I eyed him. His name was Derrick and he said he
was a student at Florida International, a school in Miami. We talked for half an
hour or so and eventual they invited us to play football with them. What the hell?
Why not. Even Michelle seemed to be enjoying herself.

We picked teams. Michelle, me, and this one tall guy were on one team vs
Derrick, Solo, and the other guy. I guarded Derrick the entire time. Anytime they
threw him the ball I was right there with him. It was suppose to be two hand
touch, but it was more like full body touch, as our colliding bodies stayed stuck
for a few seconds each time. He was so toned, that it made me self conscious. I
had lost a lot of the weight, but I still wasn't very defined. Just plain. He didn't
seem to mind though. He licked his lips and wouldn't hesitate to get a good grab
of my body whenever I got the ball.

One time, they threw it to me and I ran all the way in for a touchdown. It still
didn't stop him from falling on top of me. He broke my fall by having me land on
him, and I laughed as we came down.

"No tackling!" I screamed.

"Opps" he smiled.

We ended up playing girls vs boys, and they let us win, finding more fun in
tackling us late after the play than competing. It was all gravy, they weren't that
good even when they were trying. I enjoyed the alternate game anyway.
Everything was going fine until Solo decided to speak for the group, and step out
of line by inviting them back to the condo. Michelle nearly caught whip lash when
she heard those words come out of her mouth.

"Yall have a condo?" Mike said, which was the guy Solo had her eye on.

"No...we don't" Michelle said, staring at Solange.

"Ok it's cool if you girls don't want to invite us back. But how about this. Join us at
the club on Friday night. We'll be in VIP. Pit Bull is performing. Come through and
we can chat" Derrick said.

This was a more reasonable deal than bringing them back to the condo, and we
accepted their offer. Solo apologized to Michelle for being so brash, and they
made up. We went back to the condo to watch TV, shower, and play pool, talking
about the day so far and what else we had planned for the week. It included a
trip to the spa to get a full body massage, then to a few stores, and even a bit of
water motor boating.

When Friday came, we met the three guys from the beach at the club. Michelle
managed to get in touch with a few friends from HS who hooked her up with
some fake IDs for Solo and me. The guys looked great and smelled good. They
brought us to the area of the club where only the exclusive party goers went. We
had a great view of the stage where Pit Bull was performing and eventually I
noticed there were some athletes there, Ronnie Brown from the Dolphins and
Dwayne Wade from the Heat. I was star struck, couldn't believe I was but a few
feet from millionaire men I had only seen on TV.

I didn't normally drink. But this was as adult of a place as I had ever been, a lot
more high class than Chubbys or any of the parties I had been to. I had to drink
something. The guys were paying, so I figured we could just enjoy their
generosity. They ordered Champagne and we vibed to their sexiness and the
music. Things were great.

"Come with me to the bathroom, I gotta pee" Solo said.

Michelle and I accompanied her.

"I feel so grown, it's crazy" Solo laughed, once we settled in the restroom.

"Yeah but feeling grown doesn't mean we have to do anything grown" I said,
trying to get her buzz down.

"Ok Tina Knowles" Solo mocked.

"Girls its getting kinda late. Can we leave within the next hour or so?" Michelle
asked.

"Sure. I am getting kind of tired" I said.

"Yaw tired? Didn't we come here to party? We got free drinks. Sexy ass niggas.
And it's the last night of our trip and yaw wanna leave early? We ain't even hit
the dance floor yet" Solo said.

I had forgot this was her first time at a club. She had grown tired of going to the
beach every day, maybe we should have took her to the club earlier.

"Solange. Chill. We ain't leaving just yet. Go have your fun. But in an hour or so,
we're gonna go. Ok?" I said.

When we got back to VIP, Solo pulled her date Mike up and they made their way
to the public dance floor. I told her I'd call her phone when we were ready to
leave. I didn't feel like doing much dancing, I wanted to talk to Derrick. We
talked, but the more he talked, the more I realized the infatuation I felt with him
at first was just that. He really wasn't all that interesting. He was so arrogant too.
He wasn't Tip, that was for sure. Tip held my heart, this guy was just a
placeholder and prop so I could enjoy his sexy ass body on spring break.

I was sure he thought he was going to f*ck me. We had talked on the phone all
week and he kept saying he couldn't wait to see me on Friday. I wanted to see
him too, but now that I had, and had talked with him for some hours. I saw there
wasn't much more to it than that. Nothing else I wanted to see. I looked at my
phone and saw that it was about time we leave. I looked at Michelle and I could
tell she was feeling the same way.

"Well, Derrick. It's been great. Thank you for the great night, but we are kinda
tired so we're about to go" I said, smiling.

"Go? Girl we just GOT here" he said.

"Derrick. We've been here for 2 and a half hours" I said.

"And yall already ready to go?" he said, stressing his displeasure.

"Yeah. I just have to get my sister and then we can leave" I said, opening my
phone so I could call her.

He didn't say anything. Just sat back and looked as if he wanted to pout. Like a
little baby. It was not sexy. The first time I called Solo, she didn't answer. I tried
again and the same happened. The third time I called and there was no answer, I
started to get a little worried.

"What's wrong?" Michelle asked.

"She isn't answering" I said.

"She probably doesn't hear it ringing. Let's go look for her" she said.

"We'll help" Derrick insisted.

The four of us left VIP and went on the dance floor looking for my sister who had
just turned 16. There was no sign of Mike or her. I tried calling again, but the
heavy noise of the dance floor made it impossible to hear anything. The flashing
lights made it difficult to spot someone. We walked for the next 10 minutes and
still, nothing. I could feel my heart continue to sink, eventually it settled in my
stomach. I wasn't worried anymore. I was terrified. Where was my little sister?

I checked the bathrooms, back in VIP and did a once around the dance floor again
and there was still no sign of her or Mike. I called her again, and my heart got a
sense of relief when she finally picked up.

"Hey" was all she said.

"Solange, where the hell are you?" I asked.

"Outside. I'm ready to go when you are" she said.

I clicked off my phone, angry as hell, and made my way out of the club where she
and Mike were standing. Derrick was right behind me and when i turned to him,
he was smiling at his friend. A friend that suggested something sinister had
happened. Mike came over and gave Derrick a pound and then the three guys
looked at Michelle and I.

"So, ladies. You think we can hang out at the condo she spoke of? It should be
fun" Mike smiled.

Solo had her eyes towards the ground. I knew that the look meant. I know what it
f*cking meant.

"No thank you. We're getting a cab. Thanks for the night" Michelle said.

Derrick grabbed me.

"You sure? We could have a great time" he said.

"No" I said sternly, remembering the night with Wiz.

This caused him to wince. I guess he didn't think I had a strong no in me.

"Come on now. We paid all this money and yall acting like that? Who comes down
for spring break and doesn't get their freak on?" he said.

"Not her" Mike grinned, which caused laughter.

I was humiliated for Solange, and humiliated for myself. I could not believe I had
been to stupid to invite Solo here and then not watch over her every move. Sure,
I thought she could handle herself, and she was a strong willed girl. But she was
not suppose to be making these types of decisions by herself. I should have been
there. I should have never let her out of my sight.

"Come on yall. We're going" I said, grabbing Solo by the hand as we left.

"Damn yall some prude b*tches" I heard one of the guys say. I didn't take the
time to turn around and see who it was. It didn't matter to me. They were all cut
from the same cloth.

We got in the cab and rode silently. Solo looked out of the window and Michelle
eyed me with a concerned look on her face. Michelle paid the cab driver when we
got to our destination and when we got in the condo, all hell broke loose.

"Solo I cannot f*cking believe you. You f*cked that guy at the club? What were
you thinking?"

"Bee, just leave it alone, ok? I did it. You didn't. Don't worry about me" she
barked.

"How can I not worry about you? Where did this even happen?"

"In the car, ok. Outside in the car. You happy? I'm a ho. Go ahead and say it.
That's the only thing you are mad at. That you think I'm a ho. So just say it" she
screamed.

"No that's not why I am mad Solange. You told me you were going to go dance
and instead you went with a guy you don't even know out to his car and
did...what you did. That was stupid. You are smarter than that".

"Bee, whatever. I did what I wanted to do. He was right. I wanted to come get my
freak on for Spring Break. It ain't like I can do it back home now with you gone.
So sorry because I wanted some dick. I am such a bad person and stupid girl" she
said sarcastically.

"Know what. I can't with you right now" I said, dropping my hands and giving up
on this argument.

I walked away and into the bathroom where I hoped in the shower and cried. I
didn't know why I was crying. But that was how I dealt with being overwhelmed. I
was such a baby I thought as the tears flowed. When I got out of the shower, Solo
was sitting on the couch, wrapped in blankets. I walked into the kitchen for a
drink and intended to walk right past her into the bedroom and go to sleep. We
had the long bus ride back to Tallahassee the next morning.

She stopped me before I could go.

"Bee. I'm sorry, ok? You are right. I was wrong. I talked with Michelle and she
helped me see your side of things. I'm sorry. I could have handled this entire
thing better than I did" she said.
"Solange. You know I forgive you. But do you really think that I think you are a
ho? Or that is why I was mad?" I asked.

"No. I guess...I guess I was just feeling that way about what I did. I felt stupid
after Mike laughed about it and you and Michelle weren't down for anything. I
don't know. I just didn't handle this right" she said.

I sat down with her and she ended up crying. Solange was a fighter, a strong,
independent, girl. I had not seen her cry since she was a very little girl. She was
the one usually comforting my sensitive ass. She was the one patting my head as
I cried on her shoulder about something that had emotionally upset me. But roles
were reversed on this spring break. I held my sister who had did something she
would regret.

**

The more time I spent shadowing Mr. Carter, the cuter he became to me. There
was something about him that continued to draw me in. I felt privileged that I
would be the one to find out his life story when so many other students had been
left out on the outside. Of course when I wrote my interview questions, they were
school appropriate but I also wanted to ask them for my own personal interest. I
found out that he was 32 and originally from New York. He had written two books
under a Pseudonym and had been involved with NAACP for 10 years. He
graduated from Howard with his bachelors in Philosophy and got his MBA and
PHD from Yale.

"Why Philosophy?" I asked with Chris filming.

"I have always been interested in understanding why things are the way they
were. Why did we live life in accordance to certain values and roles. Philosophy
gave me the microscope to explore and examine all of the different thoughts
regarding what life is about" he said.

"And what is life about, in your opinion?" I asked.

"Interaction with people. Some may call it love, some may call it friendship or
companionship. But I've studied enough cases to come to the conclusion that
being isolated from people is not living. From the prisoners in solitary
confinement for 23 and a half hours a day to the people living alone and
depressed".

"Are you married? Do you have a companion?" I asked, which wasn't on my

sheet.

He smiled.

"No. I'm not. My students are my companions" he said.

We had interviewed him for 20 minutes, and the footage seemed good enough so
we called it a day. Something about the way he answered the last question was
intriguing to me. His students were the reason he lived life was how I deduced it.
It made me wonder why there wasn't a Mrs. Carter. I couldn't ask him that on
tape. That would be unprofessional. But I wanted to ask him on a personal level.

He was such a inspiration, a motivator for me. I wanted to excel in all of my

classes so when he checked my schedule, he would see how well I was doing. I
remembered and replayed in my head over and over the time he said he waned
me to be well rounded. I wondered why he cared so much. Why was it important
to him for me to be well rounded. Did he take that much interest in every
student, or was I special? I mean, how could he show that much attention to
every student? At any given time he probably had several hundred students. But
he had read my essay early. That made me special in his eyes, right? It had to.

I told Michelle about the project and she seemed to be a bit jealous. Every day I
spent with him she would ask what did I learn about him. I think she was building
a mental profile of him, I guess figuring out her plan of attack, or maybe she just
wanted some good masturbation material. She didn't know it, but I had
overheard her masturbating in the shower before and after his class. I thought it
was disgusting at the time. But hey, I guess I couldn't hate on it. I was finding
myself thinking about him when I laid in bed more and more.

One night even Chris ran through my head. I was spending a lot of time with him
as well, and learning about him while I learned about Mr. Carter. He was from the
UK, but had came here to study.

"Why would you pick FAM out of all of the places you could have picked though?"
I laughed.

"To challenge myself" he said.

I didn't really understand his answer, but I accepted it for what it was worth.

"Well, I hope you aren't turned off by all of the shenanigans that goes on around
here" I said.

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest man" he smiled.

I laughed, "Nice quote. Who is that by? Plato or Socrates or something?"

"Willy Wonka" he grinned.

"What? That childrens movie?"

And then I learned that Chris's favorite movie in the entire world was Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate factory. It wasn't just a favorite movie, it was an obsession. He
knew the entire movie word for word and would often hum the songs out loud
and quote from it at the most random times. It was funny to me. Chris was funny
to me. He was a good guy. One day after class he decided to take me out for
lunch since the semester was winding down and he said i had been a great
partner. We had subs, nothing too fancy, and made went down town to see the
sunset. He was a very playful man. Always smiling and commenting about life
and how great it was, but in a funny way.

"All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by" he said as we walked by a small
fountain and pond where ducks were swimming.

"Let me guess, Chris. Willy Wonka?"

He smiled, "How did you guess?".

I used his camera to take a snapshot of him acting crazy. It was a great shot. He
took off his sandled and walked in the water, inviting me in.

"Nope" I laughed, "That water does not look clean".

"Ahh come on, Bee-Yawn-Say" he said in his cute accent.

"Chris NO" I said, like a true girl, grinning.

He splashed his feet around and held his arm out. There were people looking
over at us. I was slightly embarrassed, but Chris's smile was so bright and his
personality so infectious, that I guess I couldn't help but give in.

"Now if I get a ring worm. I'm coming after you" I said, kicking off my shoes and
walking with him in the water, holding his hand.

I told him to let me have the pic that I had taken of him so I could upload it to
facebook under my album with all of my friends. I was sorry for the way I had
judged him so early in the semester. I liked Chris. I considered him a friend.
Derrick called me a few times but I ignored him. I don't know how he expected
me to want to talk to him after he had treated me and my friends. He was a
reminder of a terrible spring break as far as I was concerned. Plus, I had better
and more interesting guys right here in Tally. In all, I was too busy to have a
boyfriend. Sure, I liked Tip but it had been nearly a year of knowing him and I
considered him more of a big brother type now than someone I really wanted to
be with.

I wasn't so sure on where we'd go once I did turn 18. Maybe I'd date him, or
maybe I'd look to the other guys on campus that were waiting for September 4th.
I guess it would be my call. The thought of this excited me. It humored me as
well.

When I had lost all that I had gained in the previous year, I still kept going to the
Gym, mainly because of RiRi. She was a character and someone I enjoyed
spending time with while working on my figure. I wanted to get tone. She would
shoot down the idea that I needed to, but who cares, I was doing it for me. I still
let her talk though.

"Bee, I'm telling you. You are so much hotter when that jiggle that you seem to
hate so much" she said.

"That's so hypocritical Rih, especially since you don't have any jiggle on you" I
countered.

"Well that's because I have a modeling career I'm pursuing. Trust me, they don't
want no ass and thighs" she laughed.
"Why do you want to be a model anyway? It doesn't even seem like it fits you" I
said.

"Long story" she said.

"Well I got time. Tell me" I said.

She turned up her treadmill and started running.

"Busy" she said, using it as an excuse to not tell me this supposed long story.

I shook my head, turned my treadmill up and started running too, ready to finish
these last 10 minutes so I could go home. She drove me back to the campus and
I wondered about why she was reluctant to tell me why she wanted to be a
model. She seemed to always be trashing guys and the way they degraded
women. So why would she want to be an object for them?

"Rih?" I said.

She looked over at me but and waited to see what I wanted.

"Where do you stay?" I asked.

"I got this one bedroom like 10 minutes away. Why?"

"I wanna see where you live" I said.

She laughed, "Why?"

"Cuz I do. Why I need a reason?"

"Cuz that sounds like a pick up line a guy uses when he wants to f*ck you. You
trying to f*ck me?" she smiled.

"Yep. Strap on and all" I teased.

"That actually sounds hawt" she said back to me.

"You are so nasty" I giggled.

"I am" she agreed.

She drove me to her crib and she was right. It was in a pretty poor neighborhood
and apartment complex. I didn't even feel comfortable walking to her apartment,
let alone living there. There were broken bikes in the grass, little kids running
around shirtless, and beer cans and cigarette buds littered everywhere. I guess
living in a middle class neighborhood my entire life had spoiled me. Or maybe Rih
was simply living in the same damn ghetto that she spoke against so many
times.

Chapter 9

She cut on her apartment light and a little dog immediately ran up to me. I
jumped back, ready to run out of the house which caused RiRi to laugh.

"Girl he is harmless. My farts scare him away" she smiled.

"I wonder why" I laughed cautiously as I looked down at the little fury dog.

"Say hello to my friend, Peanut" she said.

"His name is Peanut?" I laughed.

"Yeah. Don't ask" she said.

I giggled at the little dog that was smelling my feet and checking me out.
Rihanna came over and picked him up, shoving him in my face.

"Give BeeBee a kiss" she said in a baby voice.

"Oh No, Rih. I don't want any dog breath" I said, sliding away from that shit.

She took the time to let the dog lick her in the face. I never understood dog
owners doing that.

"Aww, she no want no kiss from you Pea Pea" she said, baby like as the dog
licked her.

"What kind of dog is that?" I asked.

"Havanese. Expensive ass mutt" she said, putting him down and watching him
scramble away into the kitchen.

I guess he was ready for dinner. Her place was very small, basic sofa right next to
the kitchen and a single hallway that I figured went to her bedroom. She went
into the kitchen and opened a closet, pulling out a bag of dog food. I watched her
with my hands on my knees and my face rested on it, taking in the atmosphere.
There was still something about Rihanna that I just couldn't put my finger on. She
was an open book, but the problem was asking the right questions. She was as
mysterious of a person as I had ever met, even more so than Mr. C.

"Rih, when are you going to tell me why you want to be a model?" I asked.

She emerged from the kitchen topless, after having removed the tank and bra
she worked out in. Nudity between my sister and I was nothing. But I had never
been one to be comfortable around naked people in any other setting. She had
completely caught me off guard here. But I couldn't turn away, I immediately
looked at her nipples, which were plump and pierced, planted on small breast.
She caught me looking too.

"Wanna see the piercings up close or something?" she asked.

I laughed, "Um...No. Sorry. Damn girl. You just getting naked and shit?" I
exclaimed.

"I'm about to take a shower. I stank. Kick your feet up and watch TV or
something. I don't have shit in my fridge but water, diet coke, and pop-tarts so I
have no Scooby snacks and shit to offer. But you can have some dog food if you
want. It's not half bad" she said, dead serious as she walked into her hallway, still
stripping.

I heard a door open and a few seconds later heard the shower cut on. I took a
deep breath and just tried to take it all in. After sitting for a few seconds and
listening to the dog devour his dinner, I looked for the remote. After locating it on
the coffee table I turned on the TV. It was on HGTV, and House Hunters was on.
Hmm, so she was a viewer of that channel, in this house? Interesting.

"Rih!" I screamed.

"What?" she screamed back.

"Can I go in your room? I wanna see it" I screamed again.

"Whatever" she yelled back.

I chuckled and got up, making my way down the narrow and bare hallway. I
guess I expected her bedroom to be bare as well, considering how basic her
living room was, but I could not have been more wrong. Her bed spread was a
beautiful beige, and her walls were plastered with all kinds of art. The art,
paintings, drawings, and photographs were the focal point of the room. I stepped
in and made myself to the first wall and it was then I realized that the pictures on
the wall were of her!
There were all types of shots, but most of them seemed to be pencil drawn. They
were incredible. I wondered if these were drawn live or some other way. I kept
looking around the room and eventually came to her DVD collection. She had a
PS3 on the floor and a 32 Inch flat TV sitting on a stand. Her room was the exact
opposite of her living room. It was high quality and tasteful while her living was
boring and so everything I'd not expect from her. I wonder why the drastic
juxtaposition.

The shower cut off by the time I had explored all four walls, and she emerged
wrapped in a towel.

"Nosey ass" she said as she walked in.

"Rih, I didn't know you did this kind of modeling. I figured you were talking about
runway stuff. Were these done from like real life?" I asked, pointing at the many
naked pencil drew portraits of her.

She laughed.

"You do not listen. I told you the first day I met you that I did life drawings. That
is, drawings from real life" she said, continuing to dry herself while she spoke.

"Oh well I didn't know what that meant".

"Well you should ask next time. But yeah. I go to art classes for students. Get
naked. They draw me and shit. That is what pays my bills. Well and it paid for my
Playstation, which was almost a thousand dollars girl. Damn Blu Ray. Oh and it
paid for my Pea Pea" she said.

"Students drew these?" I asked.

"Yeah. Aspiring artist. Well anyone can sign up to take the class. But it's mostly
only serious artist that come" she said.

"Damn. That sounds crazy. This is done at colleges or something?"

"Shit no. I go outside of the city to this Academy. It's an extension of a Museum.
They sponsor an art program. Mostly older people take the classes. A few young
people here and there. But they are cool. It pays good. It's easy. It's only a few
nights a week" she said.

"How much do they pay?" I asked.

She dropped her towel, standing completely naked, and laughed.

"You sound awfully interested in this, Beyonce. You tryna do it or something?"

she asked.

"Oh no. I could never do something like that. I'm just asking. I'm curious" I said,
meaning it.

She went to her closet and started pulling things off the hangers. I couldn't help
but look down at her ass. This girl really was just freely standing naked in front of
me. And I was completely infatuated by the entire thing.

"It pays 30 bucks an hour. The classes are usually three to four hours long" she
said.

I looked at the walls of pictures again and then back at her; as she put on a Tshirt
and some panties.

"You are a very interesting person, Rihanna" I said, holding in a grin.

"Is that code language for something else?" she smiled.

"No, I'm serious. You're really interesting" I said.

"Yeah well, thanks or whatever I'm suppose to say to that".

"You're not suppose to say anything Rih. I'm just saying" I said, not getting why
she was so cold sometimes.

"Anyway" she said after she had put on her clothes, "You've seen my crib. You
ready to leave?".

"Yeah" I said, not quite getting if she was mad at me or something. She could be
hard to read sometimes.
When we got in the car, I thought about the unanswered question that she was
avoiding. I could have dropped it, but I didn't want to. I wanted to know. What
was she hiding?

"Why do you want to be a model, Rih?" I asked, for the third time.

"You just don't want to let that go, do you?" she asked, dryly.

"Your reluctance to answer it makes me want to know even more. You're so open
to showing yourself in every other area. Why can't you answer that?" I asked.

"Beyonce, to explain it would be to explain my life story. I can't do that in five

minutes. I can't be marginalized into a few sentences. Not my desires or my
goals" she said, on the defensive.

"Who said I'm asking for five minutes? I'm asking because I'm willing to listen.
There is a lot about you I don't get. And, like, we're friends right?"

She laughed, "If you have to confirm, then i guess not".

"Ok, so we're friend" I said, "So why can't I know these things? Like, why do you
cut?" I asked.

"Oh I do that shit for fun. Started as a hobby when i was younger. I read a book
about cutting one time. I think it was suppose to discourage the reader from
doing it. But it made me want to. I guess I enjoy self destruction. Something
about it that's enticing. Yeah I know some do it cuz they are depressed and
suicidal and blah blah. Not me. I'm happy. I cut because it feels good and I enjoy
how taboo is. I like making people uncomfortable" she said.

"It doesn't hurt?" I asked.

"It hurts. But pain can be pleasurable too, Beyonce. See, this is why I can't just
explain this shit to you in this car. You won't get it. You'll be even more
confused . It's better to not get half of the story" she said.

"No. I want to know. So whatever with all of that. Why did you move to the
States?" I asked.

"My momma couldn't raise me. My dad could" she said simply.

"Where is your dad now?" I asked.

"Beyonce. Just drop it. Okay? Ask me if I like drugs. Yeah, weed and ex. Ask me if
I like anal. Yes. Pain can be pleasurable. Ask my my favorite book. Alice In
Wonderland. The novel, not that Disney shit. Ask me did I ever like the
Backstreet Boys. Yes, went to three concerts, wanted to f*ck AJ and hated Justin
Timberlakend and N'Sync. Ask me if I like your ass. Yeah, I do, you're a sweet girl.
I'm glad I met you. But don't ask me about shit I obviously don't want to talk
about, ok?" she said really harsh.

We pulled into FAM in silence, she gave me a hug and left without a word. There
was something deep going on in her life. And I had an inkling that it had to do
with her father, who she would never want to talk about. She could try to keep
me away from knowing what it was. But as long as we were going to be friends, I
wasn't going to stop trying to understand her. That was the natural progression
of friendship. And if she was trying to stop me from knowing her, she was trying
to stop our friendship from progressing.

**

I couldn't sleep. My conversation with Rih and subsequently her wish to keep me
from something in her life was bothering me. Plus, Michelle was snoring loud. I
looked over at my alarm clock and it was nearly 3 in the morning. I wasn't sleepy,
although I was tired. Tired from the long workout from earlier and tired from the
emotional roller coaster I had been on lately. I was horny. Not from any particular
person or situation, just in general. My body was changing. Despite me
continuing to work out, I was growing. My breast were getting bigger and my
booty was shaping up. I figured this was my last growth spurt of my life, but I
didn't know why it was also causing me to be really horny all of a sudden. Was
this typical?

I had masturbated before, but it wasn't really anything I particularly liked. It

always felt forced and I would wonder if I was doing it right. Eventually, I'd stop
because it didn't feel sexy and I didn't feel comfortable doing it. Maybe I needed
to look at porn to be able to get off the right way.

It was late, I was horny, and I had a laptop. I silently reached across the bed and
grabbed my computer, sliding it towards me. Michelle skipped a breath, coughed,
and started snoring again even louder. She snored when she was in a deep sleep.
She wasn't waking up anytime soon.

I turned on the laptop and double clicked firefox. I didn't know of any porn sites,
so I just decided to google something I wanted to see.

Teachers f*cking students I typed.

It didn't give me the results I was looking for, so I added porn to the search term
and re-hit enter. A ton of videos popped up, I turned down the volume and
prepared to watch. The plots to these were silly, the girls didn't even look like
students. They looked like 30 year olds wearing skimpy school girl outfits. And
the teachers didn't look like teachers either. But I watched, out of fascination and
because I was horny.

I watched as teacher after teacher held each girl after class and they magically
ended up having sex for no apparent reason. How boring. There was no real
tension there. I didn't feel it from them, that they were superior and subordinate.
But I guess the sex did kind of keep my flame going. I liked watching the girls
suck the guys dick. It was interesting, especially when it was a lot of spit. I
wondered what it felt like, how it tasted.

In the middle of my fourth video, I noticed at the bottom left of my screen that
someone had signed in. It was exactly the person it shouldn't have been.

S.Carter has signed into Yahoo Messenger

I couldn't believe how convenient that was. I was watching porn with
student/teacher undertones and my teacher had signed in at the exact same
time. Why would he be up so late? I wished I could have been a fly on his wall to
see what he was doing. Was he grading papers? At 3 in the morning? Impossible.
I bet he was searching for porn. He had to be. I wonder what type of porn a guy
like Mr. C would like. I figured something sophisticated like that softcore stuff on
Cinemax.

Nah, Mr. C was black. I bet he liked stuff with big booty black girls. Or maybe he
liked lesbian porn. What the hell was wrong with me? WHY WAS I THINKING
ABOUT WHAT TYPE OF PORN HE LIKES? I giggled to myself, thinking about what it
would be like to ask him during our next interview what kind of porn got him off.
That would be something. That would make my documentary a best seller, I
laughed to myself.

I tried to just forget about him being online and watch the porn. But it was like a
splinter in my mind knowing he was online doing something so late. I thought
about IMing him and playfully asking why was he up so late. But, it didn't seem
like it would be right. It would be too late to IM him. But then again, it wasn't like I
was doing anything wrong. Just saying hey. There was nothing unethical about
saying hey to my professor.

But what if he took it for something else? But Mr. C wasn't the type to jump to
conclusions, I thought. Ugh. Why was I over-analyzing this so hard? It wasn't that
big a deal, I reasoned to myself. Just a simple hey. What's the worse that could
happen?

QueenBey 2005: Hi

I was nervous, extremely nervous that I started biting my nails, wondering what
he would say and how he would say it. I wondered what his face looked like when
he saw my IM. Was he happy? Or annoyed? Oh God, I hope I wasn't annoying
him.

S. Carter is typing...

S. Carter Hi lol
YES! He replied. And he put "lol" after it which meant he was cool with it. I think.
Or did he put lol to be disingenuous? He didn't have to IM me back, so if he did it
must have meant he was open for talking.

QueenBey 2005: What you doing up so late? lol

S. Carter If you can come up with an argument in less than 100 words why that

is any of your business, I will tell you

QueenBey 2005: ....

S. Carter: That is what I thought. Night, Miss Knowles...

QueenBey 2005: I just wanted to tell you the documentary is going good and

ask you a question about it...sorry for bothering u

S. Carter: You are not bothering me. I'm just conscious of the imaginary
boundary that us teachers must make visible...

QueenBey 2005: ...You mean like us talking on IM at 3 in the morning?

S. Carter: See, you can see the boundary too

QueenBey 2005: Would it be better if we were talking at 3 in the afternoon?

S. Carter: Yes

QueenBey 2005: Why?

S. Carter: ....the answer to that is obvious

QueenBey 2005: Not really. We talked at almost midnight one time before...

S. Carter: That was school related

QueenBey 2005: This is school related. The documentary...

S. Carter: Oh really?...speak your mind

QueenBey 2005: No, I don't want you to be uncomfortable chatting with me

S. Carter: Well, goodnight then, lol.

QueenBey 2005: Ok if you insist I will ask, smh (where is your sense of
humor???)...Ok..so..

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: The documentary is going great. Chris is editing all of the
footage this weekend. But he wanted me to ask you if we could film some
footage with you interacting with your family. He said it would bring the segment
alive when you are talking about family values...

S. Carter: None of my family is in Florida

QueenBey 2005: Well, do you have any pictures? Pictures work fine...

S. Carter: ....How about I get back to you about that

QueenBey 2005: Well it will have to be soon. The project is due in a week

S. Carter: How important is it that you get pics of my family. From 1 to 10.

QueenBey 2005: 10

S. Carter: Liar

QueenBey 2005: I resent that, Mr. Carter. Why ask if you already think you
know?

S. Carter wants to share a picture. Do You Accept?

I accepted with the quickness.

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: AWWWW. Who is that?

S. Carter: My nephew...

QueenBey 2005: Aww. So precious. You look so tender and attentive.

S. Carter: Satisfied?

QueenBey 2005: Uh. No. We need more than ONE picture. We need at least 10
or so, to play while you are talking

S. Carter: 10? I don't even think I have 10 on my computer. I only had that
because my sister sent it to me in an email earlier today

QueenBey 2005: Well like I said. You got a week. Get me some precious pics
just like that.

S. Carter: ...I'll see what I can do

QueenBey 2005: Mr. C, can I ask you a question?

S. Carter: Sure. Doesn't mean I will answer.

QueenBey 2005: Why aren't you married? You don't want to be a husband and
father one day?

S. Carter: No comment...
QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: Imaginary boundary

QueenBey 2005: Why are you so friggin secretive about everything? I don't get
that

S. Carter: Help keeps my legend alive. Helps keep students engaged. I'm really
not that interesting without the secrecy

QueenBey 2005: To me you are...

S. Carter: I hope your documentary turns out good, Miss Knowles. But I've
provided all I can provide. I'll try to get a few more pics but you're on your own
from there

QueenBey 2005: Yea, yea, yea. You have the power to make the documentary
eye opening for students. Instead, it will be just another ambiguous puzzle.

S. Carter: Puzzles are all about finding the missing pieces. So is life...

QueenBey 2005: What does that even mean? Like, seriously. Philosophical
mumbo jumbo or does it really mean anything?

S. Carter: Mumbo Jumbo, lol.

QueenBey 2005: You frustrate me so much sometimes Mr. C

S. Carter: Then I am doing my job. Never should you stay too long in a comfort
zone.

QueenBey 2005: Then why are you always in your comfort zone? How about
you step out of your comfort zone for five minutes and tell me why aren't you
married?

S. Carter: You're being mighty forward and almost rude right now, Miss.
Knowles.

QueenBey 2005: ....I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. Just forget about it.
Goodnight..

S. Carter: I have a daughter. She lives with her mother in Connecticut. I don't
get along with her mother. I'm single because I am engaged to my profession and
helping students like yourself be the best they can be. Happy?

QueenBey 2005: I'm not happy if you aren't. But I appreciate you telling me.
S. Carter: Yeah well consider yourself a special woman, Beyonce.

QueenBey 2005: Oh wow. I can't believe it.

S. Carter: ?

QueenBey 2005: You called me Beyonce. You've always called me Miss

Knowles.

S. Carter: Heh...I guess you're right, Miss Knowles.

QueenBey 2005: Aww. I do feel special now. Yay me. lol

S. Carter: Yay you.

QueenBey 2005: Ok, so if you are engaged to your career. What do you do in
your off time? Like, for fun? What did you do for spring break?

S. Carter: Read and wrote and graded papers.

QueenBey 2005: That's the boring answer. What did you do? For real for real?

S. Carter: Well add eat, sleep, and shit to the above then.

QueenBey 2005: LMAO.

S. Carter: No joke

QueenBey 2005: You want to know what I did for spring break?

S. Carter: Not really...

QueenBey 2005: . I am going to tell you anyways. I went to Miami. South

Beach. Rode the water motor things and everything...

S. Carter: How exciting and overwhelmingly interesting.

QueenBey 2005 wants to share a picture. Do you Accept.

S. Carter: What are you trying to show me?

QueenBey 2005: Pic from Spring Break. Duh, lol...

S. Carter declines picture sharing

QueenBey 2005: LOL, why you do that?

S. Carter: I'm not interested in your thong pictures, Miss. Knowles.

QueenBey 2005: Mr. C. You sound like such a square right now. And you are too
young to be sounding that old. I'm not in a thong. I'm not even in a bathing suit

S. Carter: So you're naked? Uh..no

QueenBey 2005: LOL. Just click it, man. I promise it's nothing that's revealing.

QueenBey 2005 wants to share a picture. Do you Accept.

S. Carter accepts picture sharing

QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: Cute pic..

QueenBey 2005: Did you just call me cute Mr. C?

S. Carter: No, I said the pic was cute. The water, mostly.

QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: You are a pretty girl Miss. Knowles. And I guess you won this round.
You got me to stay on here much longer than I should have and said some things
I'll probably regret. Congrats. Go to sleep. Good luck with the documentary.
Godspeed.

S. Carter has signed off...

I closed my laptop, no longer needing to watch a porn scenario play out on

screen. I went to sleep with the biggest smile on my face, where I had a pussy
dripping wet, slippery, sweaty dream about the man I could never have. Shawn.

Chapter 10

Chris and I completed the documentary a few days before it was due. We
watched it in a study hall on his laptop and I was truly amazed by how well it
turned out. His editing skills were awesome, nice transitions, and subtitles and
music. It looked very professional. I was sure it would not only get a A, but
eventually become a part of the school library.

"Chris. You are amazing" I said as I watched.

He smiled.

"You are amazing yourself, Beyonce. You asked the questions. You got him to
open up" he said.

"How bout this. We're amazing" I laughed.

"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams" he smiled.

"More Wonka, Chris?"

"Wonka has the best quotes for any situation" he laughed.

I showed Michelle the finish product once I got back to the dorm. She was
enthralled by it, although she wasn't the best sampler of the product. She was
enthralled by Mr. Carter in general, so anything would have gotten her attention.
Every since I told her about my late night chat with him she had been accusing
me of having a crush on him. I denied it of course, but the truth was I had
developed one. It really started when I had the freakiest dream of my young life.
Mr. Carter f*cked me something serious, on his desk, just like the girls in those
pornos.

When I awoke the next morning, Michelle told me I had been moaning. I told her
it was a dream about Tip, but I don't think she believed me. I could tell she didn't
want me having a crush on him the same way she did. So I decided to let her
think he belonged to her, as far as infatuation went. The fact was, Michelle was
only one of countless females on campus that had a thing for him, and it was
hard for any of them to stand out. I think maybe that was what got to her the
most. I did stand out because I had done the documentary on him and had gotten
him to send in numerous pics of him and his family. His sisters, and his nephews.

He didn't send any pictures of his daughter. I wanted to ask why, but thought
against prying too much. He had already told me so much, much more than he
had told anyone else. I was appreciative of it. It was why my final project for that
class was going to become a school asset. Maybe that was what stung even
more. I interviewed Mr. Carter. My voice was heard asking the questions.
Beyonce Knowles rolled in the credits as the interviewer and writer.

I had given a journalistic report. Michelle was a Journalism student. There was
bound to be some hard feelings there. I worried that there would be, but Michelle
never once said anything about it. She seemed to take it in stride. Our daily
interactions with each other didn't change and I didn't feel that she was being
hostile about it in anyway. Then again, Michelle was one of my most mature
friends. If anyone would be able to handle such a thing, it would be her.
While things between her and I didn't change, things with me and Mr. C did. I
could not get him, or that dream out of my mind. It was so vivid and erotic and it
penetrated my thoughts as forcefully as his dick had in my pussy; in dream land
of course. When he tapped me on my shoulder in NAACP meeting, I felt the inside
of my thighs melt. Gosh. I was literally getting wet just from his touch.

"Miss. Knowles. Can I chat with you after the meeting? I have something to ask"
he said.

I sat with Jarvis for the meeting, and ignored the entire thing, instead trying to
figure out what Mr. C wanted. I kept thinking about my dream and how it had
started off the same way. He wanted to see me, he brought me in his classroom,
he gave me a spanking, and our clothes came off. Could this have been
happening again? I got a strong case of deju vu, feeling like I had been here
before. When the meeting was over, I grabbed my belongings and made my way
down to where the faculty sat.

He was chatting with another teacher while I waited and I wondered if I should
give him some space first. I didn't want to cramp his style if he wasn't ready to
sat what he had to say to me. I watched him silently as he spoke to the other
teacher. His face had defined features, full of war stories and life experiences.
Full of beauty. I knew right then. If this man were to ask me to have sex with him,
I would not decline, and that was the first time in my life I had ever been so
certain of that reality. I was under his control. Just like all of the other silly
groupies he had.

"Hello! Anyone there?" Mr. Carter said, waving his hand in my face and breaking
my trance.

"Oh. Sorry. I was thinking" I blushed.

"Yeah you seemed to be deep in thought" he grinned.

I bit my lip as he locked eyes with me. Could he see through me? Could he see
what he was doing to me? Could he read me like a book? Did he know I had fallen
for him? And if he did, was I any different from the other chicks he had to know
had a crush or thing for him.

"I wanted to ask what you had planned for the summer" he said.

"Um. I didn't really have anything planned. I mean I was going to go home for a
few weeks, but come back".

"You're not taking any courses?" he asked.

"Not for Summer A. I will for Summer B" I said which was late June classes.
"Ok good. Well I think we could make this work" he said to himself, more than
me.

I swallowed hard. Make what work? Was this my dream all over again? My legs
felt sticky. Oh Gawd.

"I'm taking a group of students around the Southeast for a few weeks this
summer. We are going to talk to some underprivileged women. Runaways. Girls
that have been involved with prostitution and other sexual abuse. All teenagers
or younger. We're going to be promoting safe sex practice as well as educate
them on STDs and pregnancies and scholarships for school. It should be a great
opportunity, especially for someone like you majoring in education. I spoke with
Professor Pounder and she recommended you" he said.

"Wow. I wasn't expecting that" I said.

He smiled, "What were you expecting?"

Trust me Mr. Cater. You wouldn't have believed me if I would have told you.

"Nothing" I said.

"Anyway. So would you be interested? I need to know by tomorrow so we can

have all of the paperwork completed by the weekend" he said.

"Yes. I would. I would definitely want to do it".

He nodded his head, "That's wassup. I'm glad you accepted" he said.

"When will this be?" I asked.

"In 3 weeks we will leave to go to Jacksonville. Stop by my office tomorrow

morning and I will give you the paperwork to fill out and give you the exact
details. Everything is paid for, like hotels and food and stuff. But you are going to
have to to attend a workshop for a week where they will go over he basics on
what they want the students participating to know. But just stop by tomorrow.
We'll go over all of that" he said.

He rubbed my shoulder, towering over me, and smiled.

"Thank you for considering me for this Mr. C".

He didn't respond verbally, just nodded his head down and walked away. If any
other professor would have asked me about doing this, the chances of me
accepting on the spot would have been tremendously low. But Mr. C wasn't every
other professor. I accepted, just because he asked. Sprung wasn't even the word
to describe it.
**

I closed the door, almost slammed the door and approached my little sister who
had been b*tching at me for no reason for the entire week I had been home. I
didn't know what was going on with her, but it was time for it to end right now. I
decided to come home for a few weeks before going back to Tally for the
workshop that Mr. Carter had signed me up for. It was going to be Sex Ed for
Dummies, but also was suppose to educate us on the realities of so many young
girls in the southeast. I realized that being around these women, and the
students I would be traveling with, was going to be all work and no play. So I
wanted to relax for a bit at home to get my mind right.

Usually it would be Ricky that would be annoying or distracting me. But for some
odd reason, it was Solo that was being the punk ass.

"Solange what the hell is wrong with you? I'm really getting tired of your smart
ass comments" I said.

The last had come when I told her she needed to start thinking about what she
wanted to major in so she could go ahead and get her class schedule done early
and she told me not everyone can be like me. She would be moving to FAMU with
me in September and our parents were going to foot the bill for a two bedroom
apartment. Kelly had moved in with her man, totally ditching our plans for all
three of us to move in. So Michelle and I went around Tally to find the perfect
apartment. Michelle was good at finding things for sale and deals and shit like
that. She had went crazy on Black Friday, finding a big screen TV and a laptop for
the cheap.

Through my persistence and Michelle's understanding of the city, we found the

perfect Duplex which belonged to a 30 something old black guy that had also
graduated from FAMU. Michelle worked her magic by providing the good convo
and we used our cute girl faces to convince the guy to hold the apartment for us
until July, even though someone had moved out. It was a great deal for a really
nice place, especially for college underclassman. Solange and I would live
together there. My dad had agreed to pay for it, and we'd be living like middle
class adults instead of college students. But something was wrong with Solange,
something that was causing her to lash out at me.

"Bee. Get out of my room. Just leave me alone, ok?" she barked.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked, matching her annoyed tone.

"Bee. I'm tired. Just leave me alone".

"Solo ever since Spring Break you have been tripping. I thought we agreed that
what happened there would stay there and that we'd forget the whole thing. So
why the change? What are you acting like such a b*tch".
"If I could have left what happened there, I would have" she said in a small voice,
unlike the way she had made her previous statements.

"What?" I said.

"Bee. I can't hide it anymore" she said, looking me in my eyes.

"Hide what?" I asked, searching her.

"Can you NOT tell, Beyonce? I'm pregnant!" she shouted.

My brain took a few moments to digest that statement. Solo just rolled on her
bed and faced her window with her back to me. Pregnant? My little sister was
pregnant? A few months before she was going to move to a new state to start
college?

"When...when did you find this out?" I asked softly.

"I've known since April" she sighed.

"You haven't told anyone?" I asked, still standing by the door and watching her.

"No."

"Solo...DAMN. How did this happen?"

"From f*cking with no condom, Beyonce" she said full of spite.

"Why are you still taking this out on me, Solo? YOU made the decision."

"I know what I did, Bee. You don't have to keep freaking reminded me of it. Just
go" she said, her voice starting to shake.

"Ok, I'm sorry, but I have to know the details. Who are you pregnant by?"

"Remember when i said I wish I could have left what happened in Miami back in
Miami?" she said sarcastically.

"Oh my God, Solo. What was his name? Mike? Are you sure it's him?"

"Beyonce I am positive. He was the last person I had been with. I hadn't even be
allowed to go out much when you left for college. Mike was the only guy I had
been with for months".

"Solange, why didn't you use a condom?"

"Because I am stupid".
This was it. The turning point. The official turning point in the relationship
between Solange and I. For so long, actually since both of us could remember,
she had been the big-little sister. She was the one I looked up to, the one I sought
advice from. The one that seemed to have the strongest grip on reality when I
was somewhere in the clouds. But as I looked at my broken sister laying in bed, I
saw myself for the first time as the big sister. The voice of reason and the wiser
of us two.

I walked over towards the bed and laid across her arm, my head resting on her
turned shoulder. She was shaking and crying. The second time I had seen her
cry, all over the same situation. Potential and Kinetic energy coming together
into a burst of energy that was now residing in her belly. I put my hand on her
stomach and rubbed.

"So you're two months" I asked, very gentle as I rubbed her stomach.

She nodded her head.

"Then we have to make this decision soon, Solo. What are we going to do" I said.

"We? What do you mean me? I have to make this decision" she said.

"No you don't. I'm not letting you do this by yourself. We are sisters. We are in
this together. We're going to make this decision".

"Bee, you know me. I don't believe in abortions. But, I can't have no baby. He
won't even have a daddy. What would mom and dad think? My church? Me
bringing a bastard baby into the world at 16. I can't go through with that" she
cried.

"Solange. You can't make this decision based on everyone else. It's what you feel
in you to do. Even if a daddy isn't in the picture. Your baby will be loved. You
know that".

"I'm just ashamed of myself, Bee. I don't know what to do. And I don't want
anyone to know".

"Solo. We've done a lot of sneaking and lying and going around our parents back.
But we have to tell them. Come clean about everything" I said.

"Beyonce, NO! I don't want them to know. They won't understand. They just
wont" she barked.

My sister was angry and in a place I couldn't relate to. I charged it to her head
and not her heart. I laid with her and stroked her hair, without another word.
Eventually, she fell alseep and I went to the computer to look up abortion clinics
and their procedures. I was going to pay for it, if need be.
While in the middle of searching and bookmarking sites, Ricky came in talking
about he had to check his email. I quickly minimized the browser.

"What you looking at porn or something?" he snickered.

"Boy, get out" I said.

"This is MY room now Beyonce. You get out" he said.

"Lil boy this will always be my room. You're the guest. Scram before I show my
daddy all these porn sites YOU have in the internet history, ya nasty" I grinned.

He frowned up his face and gave me the bird. I laughed at his punk ass as he left.
He had actually gotten a lot bigger since I had last seen him. Growth spurt and
his voice was deeper. He was almost as tall as me now. I wondered for how much
longer he'd accept my little cousin teasing.

When I had found what I was looking for and I talked with Solange about it some
more. She had to keep herself from crying because the house now had my
parents in it, who had been at work when i first discussed it with her. She was still
ambivalent to it, but I sensed she ultimately would decide to abort the
pregnancy. I didn't feel at ease with the decision, but it wasn't my decision to
make. I wasn't in her shoes. My life wasn't the one that would drastically change.
I was going to support her with whatever she felt she needed to do, even if it
went against our Christian beliefs.

Our church had once campaigned in front of abortion clinics, telling them they
were killing their babies. Solo and I both held signs telling the people coming in
and out that they were murderers. Not in those words of course, but isn't that the
message we were sending anyway? It was funny how the tables had turned.
Maybe we would be protested against when I went with her.

After dinner, I decided to go see a movie by myself. I invited for Solo to come
with me, but she had declined. She wanted to sleep. It wasn't even 9 and all she
wanted to do was sleep. I understood.

After returning from the movie, I turned my keys into the door and walked into
the living room where my mother and father were waiting. This could not be
good.

"Hey yall" I said, trying to gauge what was going on.

"Beyonce. Can we talk to you" my mother said sternly.

Oh boy. What had happened now.

I sighed and walked over to the sofa where they were sitting. They told me to sit
down, which really meant this was going to be a long lecture or a long scolding.
Either way, I knew it was nothing but trouble.

"What's going on in your life, Beyonce?" my mother said.

My daddy was looking hard at me, not a hint of happiness on his usually joyful
face. He looked angry, hurt, and disgusted all at once. Something told me this
had to do with Solange.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Beyonce, do not play dumb right now. DO NOT" my dad finally spoke, anger all
in his words.

"I'm not playing dumb. I don't know what this is about" I said.

"Nothing is going on with you? Nothing you want to tell us?" my mother asked,
raising her voice a little.

"No. I mean, like what? Nothing I can think of. What did I do?".

"I cannot deal with this child lying in my face, Tina. I knew I should have NEVER
let her leave home. She had never been a liar. I can't even look at her" my dad
said, standing up, shaking with anger and balling his fist.

I stood up, afraid of what was to come.

"Beyonce. Do not lie to us anymore. If there is ANYTHING going on with you, tell
us right now" my mother warned.

"I'm not lying about anything" I said, refusing to admit to something that I wasn't
doing.

"Who knocked you up, Beyonce? Which one of them demons at that school
knocked you up? And when was you going to TELL us you were having an
abortion?" My dad yelled at me.

My heart started to eat at itself and my breathing became quicker. I felt tears
forming.

"Daddy I am not pregnant. I am not having an abortion" I said truthfully.

My daddy lost it, lunging toward me, putting his cold hands on my collar bone
and driving me towards the wall. My head hit the wall forcefully and bounced, but
when I opened my eyes I didn't see the concerned man I had always known as
my daddy. I saw someone I didn't recognize. I saw such contempt in his eyes. I
saw a man tha would murder me for something I didn't do.

"STOP LYING to me child. You think because you leave and go off, now you're too
grown to tell me the truth? Look at me" he said, forcing my now tear drenched
eyes to focus on his fiery red ones.

My mother grabbed him and pulled him back and I dropped to my knees. I was
now balling in my palms, still not yet believing I had been pushed into a wall by
my daddy. The same man that never once spanked his kids because he didn't
believe in violence against children. He was steaming mad, and my mother had
to stop him for picking me up off the floor and nailing me back against the wall.

"Beyonce. Ricky used your computer and he saw all of the abortion clinics you
had been looking up. We saw every search term you used. We know you
searched for addressed and prices and procedures and if minors could get one.
Everything you searched for today, we saw. Stop lying to us" my mother said.

"I'm not lying" I barely managed to say through my sobs, barely above a whisper.
I could hardly even talk. My head was pounding after bouncing off a wall and the
room was spinning from being accused of something that wasn't true.

"Beyonce" my mother screamed at me, I guess not believing what i was saying. I
couldn't even defend myself because I was hurting.

"See, Tina. You put trust in children and this is what you get. Lying, sinning, child
killing children" my dad yelled.

"Beyonce is not pregnant. I am" I heard a voice yell from the staircase.

My parents caught whiplash as they turned to face her. I raised my eyes up at

her and tried to adjust. The blur of the tears and the weight of the room were
making it difficult.

"Beyonce hasn't done anything wrong. It was me. I went out and got pregnant
and Beyonce was just looking up the stuff for me cuz I told her to" she said
confidently.

I saw my dad look down at me and then back at her. My mother kept her eyes
glued to Solo. I saw Ricky at the top of the staircase watching. He didn't look like
he was enjoying what he was watching, which was surprising. He had never seen
my dad or mom react like this, so how could he have expected it? He looked at
me and I could see the sorry in his eyes. I was too hurt to move, let alone care
about if he was sorry. This was all his fault.

My daddy ended up leaving the house, cranking up the car, and driving off into
the night. My mother pulled me up, wiped my eyes, and examined my head
where a knot had formed. For the next two hours Solange and I explained the
entire story to her. Spring Break. The secret trip to Miami. The Friday night at the
club. And the secret Solo had kept close to the vest until earlier that morning. We
told her everything and she listened without speaking. All three of us were crying.
I wished I was back in Florida.
My dad eventually returned, around midnight and without looking at me or Solo
went to his room. Our mother went up and I guess filled him in on the details of
what was going on. Solange and I went to her bedroom and eventually fell
asleep, but it was interrupted when my father came into the room around 3 in
the morning. We woke up immediately when the light turned on.

He didn't look like the mad man he had been earlier, but he still looked disgusted
at both of his girls. His normal speaking voice had returned, but I couldn't tell if
that meant anything positive or not.

"Solange. You are not having an abortion. You are not killing God's child. And you
aren't going away to college. You will take care of that child and accept your
responsibility" he said simply.

"Beyonce. I am not paying for the apartment you want. You are staying on
campus or you are moving back to Texas. I refuse to pay for you to make all
kinds of terrible decisions with no supervision. You have shown you are not
responsible like I thought you were. I trusted that you would watch Solange, and
this happened. I love both of you. I am sorry for the knot on your head Beyonce.
But I am so hurt by both of you. Goodnight" he said, turning off the light and
closing the door without either of us being allowed to say anything.

Solo ended up crying herself back to sleep. I didn't go to sleep. I kissed my sister.
Wrote my parents and Solo separate notes. Packed my bags, bought a plane
ticket, and caught a bus to the airport. I wasn't going to stay there. This was no
longer my home.

**

My dad canceled my credit card after the stunt I had pulled to leave home
without telling them. It was the expected move, although I no longer knew what I
was going to do for money. I talked with my mom on the phone who told me he
wasn't going to stop paying for the tuition, but that if I wanted to be grown and
do things my way, then he wasn't going to aid me in it. I was going to be on my
own.

The workshop was very informative although it kept reminded me of Solo. I

wished I had known so many of the Sex Ed things I was learning. This was never
taught to me by my tutor. We had been taught abstinence and nothing else.
Proper condom usage, STD statistics, pregnancy statistics, and sexual abuse
statistics were all something I had learned in the past year. It was crazy how
underprivileged women and women in strict church environments were equally ill
prepared in dealing with their sexual lives. I was determined to not become
another statistic.

Chapter 11
The 2 week trip all over the southeast was an enlightening experience. When I
left, I was still distraught from the fight I had with my parents and subsequently
being cut off from their financially, at least for the moment. I didn't know what I
would do or how I would do it, but I took up Mr. C's offer just in case it would be
the last time I'd be able to attend a school sponsored program here in Florida.

I met so many different women, all with unique and equally painful life stories.
Kelly had told me similar things about her life growing up, from sexual abuse to
mental abuse, but these women had all experienced that as if it was the
standard. Every single one of them, didn't matter if it was in Ft. Lauderdale or
Valdosta, had been sexually abused in their lifes. Some of them had ran away
from home and got involved with men who after sexually turning them out, chose
to exploit them for money. I cried many times listening to these girls explain how
they went from naive little girls to prostitutes, all wrapped in a teenage body and
mind.

I realized many of these girls were more knowledgeable about sex than I was.
Our workshop training when it came to sex ed was virtually useless. They had
been to clinics before, tested, and knew the ins and outs to their lifestyles. What
did come as useful were the opportunity we got to chat with them one on one
about school and the things they could do to try and turn their lives around.

The issue was many of these girls were illiterate or reading and writing well
below grade level, which made talks of college almost cruel. They needed much
more help than the traveling students and faculty of FAM could provide them.
This weighed heavily on me for the two weeks I was speaking with them. Mr. C
told me FAM had donated funds to each of the centers and sheltered we had
visited for education help, but he also agreed with me that it wasn't nearly
enough. In fact, the contribution was probably more helpful for positive press for
our school than it was for helping these girls actually get ahead.

At the end of the trip, there was a banquet where they all honored Mr. Cater, who
was the visionary of this annual program and the one who did most of the
groundwork to set up these visits. He accepted the award modestly, giving a few
words and then asking for the crowd to applaud the students that had given up a
part of their summer to volunteer. The banquet would be the next to last night of
the trip, before we made the drive from North Carolina back to Florida.

The last day would be for us, as we were given a chance to explore the city mall
and stores. We had been on the road so much that it felt like a release to be
finally given some time to not think about the abuse of the many girls we had
come in contact with. One girl stuck out in my mind. Her name was Camile, and
she was a 14 year old with HIV and could no longer talk after her voice box had
been damaged from a gang rape in which the men chocked her and then
dumped bleach and cleaning products down her throat to rid the evidence of
semen. Police had found her on the side of a road half naked and left for dead.

Her case was particularly interesting because she was illiterate and could barely
write a legible sentence. Her testimony was mostly done by nodding her head as
the only way the police could figure out what had happened to her was by asking
the right questions.

She was so pretty. Dark skinned with bright smile. There was so much I wanted to
ask her, but didn't out of fear for saying something insensitive. She would nod if I
asked was she having a good time or was she learning anything. Then she
touched my hair and smiled. I smiled back not knowing what she was trying to
tell me.

I had to ask to get the answer.

"You like it?" I asked.

She nodded yes. But I didn't think that was what she was getting at.

"You like the texture?" I asked.

She shook her head no. Then she snatched a strand of her own hair and held it
out. I followed it with my eyes as she then pointed to herself and then at the hair
and then at herself again. I think I understood.

"You want to know is the hair mine?" I asked.

She smiled as bright as she could and nodded her head quickly. I smiled.

"Yes. This is my hair. All mine".

She nodded her head, still smiling and then frowned. I didn't know what that
meant.

"You have beautiful hair too" I said.

She shook her head no and then put her thumbs down. I rubbed her bushy hair
and nodded my head yes and then giving her a thumbs up. She laughed at this
but continued to shake her head no, before pointing at mine and giving a thumps
up. One of the most heartbreaking conversations I had ever experienced,
especially when after an hour of us doing this I had to tell her bye. She frowned
and nodded her head no, her eyes filling with tears.

I didn't know what to say to the girl. We weren't suppose to do what i decided to
do, but there was no way I could leave so effortlessly while this girl would have to
live the rest of her life with her condition. I wrote my name and number in crayon
on a small sheet of paper, and slid it to her. She looked down at it and smiled.

I gave her the call me sign with my hand, before I even realized how she wouldn't
be able to talk if she did. I don't think this ran through her head. She would find a
way to call and communicate with me.

On the last night in Charlotte, Mr Carter decided to take all of us out to eat. I
figured it would be a place like TGIF Fridays or something, but it was one of those
fancy restaurants. He told us to dress nice, although most of us had only brought
one pair of nice clothes for the banquet, so we ended up wearing the same thing.

Mr. C enjoyed the finer things in life, the type of things most of us had never even
seen before. The 15 kids that made the trip walked into this restaurant so the
astonishment of the many rich looking people that batted their eyes to us.
My mouth dropped when I saw dishes going from $50 to $200, especially when
the other students started cracking up.

"Do they have a dollar menu, Mr. C?" one of the girls laughed.

"Do they accept Coupons?" another joked.

"Order your food, you heathens" Mr. C grinned.

"Mr. C, you're balling like this? What if we all got the most expensive thing on
here? That's like 3 G's" one of the boys said.

"Who said I'm paying?" Mr. C smiled.

All of out mouths hit the table when he said this. We could NOT afford this.

"Order what you want, aight" he insisted, this time not smiling, but serious.

And that is what we did. Ordered steaks and lobster and shrimp and lamb and
whatever else that sounded like something we'd never be able to afford
otherwise. Mr. C ordered the seafood special of the night and I got the same
thing he was having without looking at the menu, just so I could joke about it
later on. I wasn't even that hungry.

"Miss Knowles, you trying to copy me?" he chuckled.

"Why it always gotta be about you? I like seafood" I said, smiling.

He laughed, "Ok. If you say so".

I nearly ran away from my plate when the waitress returned with my dish.
"WHAT is this?" I said, eyeing my grinning professor.

"Did you not order the seafood special?" the waitress asked me.

"I did. But this looks like...what are these legs? This isn't fish" I said.

"Miss. The special of today was fresh Octopus Salad" she smugly said, as if I was
a complete idiot.

The fact was that i was one. And everyone laughed, including Mr. Carter as I
made the funniest faces.

While everyone else dug into their steaks and shit I was picking around the sea
creature that was on my plate. Mr. C eventually waved down the waitress,
whispered in her ear and she removed my dish and 20 minutes later came back
with some fresh fish.
"Sorry for the mixup, Ma'am" the waitress said.

I smiled at her and then rolled my eyes up at Mr. C who was winking.

"Beyonce, you should have at least took it home in a doggy bag" one of the kids
laughed.

I stuck my tongue out at them and we all enjoyed our dinner, completely
breaking away from what we had witnessed from the underprivileged girls of the
past few weeks. It was funny how that worked. We left to eat fancy food and then
go back to our normal lives. Those girls got a chance to see us and then watch us
leave. And here we were, grinning and laughing and filling our bellies. This was
life.

After dinner we all got a ride back to the hotel and got ready for bed. I shared a
room with this one chick that snored like she was dying, even louder than
Michelle. My Ipod had died which meant I'd have to suffer through her loudness.
After tossing and turning in bed, I got up, needing something to snack on. I
wanted a Snickers or something so I put on my slippers and took the elevator to
the vending machines, getting two of them and a Coffee, and sitting on one of
the chairs.

I thought about Camile and Solange and my dad and what I was going to do. I still
wanted that apartment and I still wanted to finish off my school career at FAM. I
didn't want to go back home. But if my dad really had canceled my credit card to
teach me a lesson, surely he would refuse to pay for my room and board to force
my hand and get me back in Texas. I was stuck. I was going to have to get a job
or either move back home, I was sure of it.

I put the first Snickers in my mouth, the entire thing, and let it melt in there. The
chocolate stuck to the root of my throat and my tongue, and for some odd
reason, I imagined that it was a penis. Tips at first and then Mr. C's. By the time I
was done deep throating the candy bar and it had all but absorbed in my
stomach, Mr. C spoke to me and nearly caused me to gag.

"Can't sleep?" he asked.

I quickly turned and saw him making his way toward me, stopping at the vending
machine and getting him a bag of chips.

"Not really. Doing a lot of thinking. Going through some things right now" I said
after I had completely managed to swallow the thick mix of spit gooey nuts and
chocolate.

He looked at me, laughed to himself, and reached into his pocket, pulling out a
napkins and wiping my mouth with it. Apparently there was chocolate all over my
lips. I bet he thought I was such a goofball sometimes.
"Thanks" I blushed.

He sat down on the sofa next to me and opened his bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

"So what's going on? Anything you want to talk about?" he asked.

"Just some stuff back at home" I said, not wanting to give too much.

"I see. Anything you want to talk about?" he said, emphasizing the part of his
previous question that I didn't answer.

I laughed.

"It's not that I don't want to. It's just so much. I doubt you'd be interested in
hearing it all" I said.

He took a few chips in his mouth and looked at me.

"Suit yourself" he smiled.

That stung a bit. I kinda wished he would have been persistent in asking what it
was. But he seemed to move past it like I was right all along; he wasn't
interesting in hearing it.

"How much was the bill at the place we ate at tonight?" I asked, changing the
subject.

He chuckled, "About 800 dollars".

"Wow. I wish I had that kind of money to spend" I laughed.

"I do too, trust me" he said, grinning.

"Wait. You didn't pay for it?"

"Our leftover funds for this trip paid for it. I wasn't going to give it back because
we came up under the bottom line" he said.

"Then why did you act like it was YOU who was paying for US?" I asked, hand on
my head.

He looked at me, then reached his hand over and wiped the side of my mouth,
this time with his finger. Gosh, there was still more chocolate on me? I
embarrassingly wiped my own mouth trying to get rid of any other residue as he
wiped the chocolate on the tissue.

"Sorry" I said.
He smiled, took a few more mouth fulls of the chips and said "It's late Beyonce.
I'm heading back to my room. Don't sulk here too late, ok?".

He stood up, and I grabbed his arm. I didn't want him to leave. He looked down at
me and into my eyes. My eyes told him to stay.

"Mr. C. I don't know if I will be able to go back to FAMU" I said softly.

He looked, swallowed, and sat back down. "Why is that?".

"Money problems. My mom owns this restaurant back home and ever since my
grandma died who co-owned it, the sales have gone down. And my little sister
just got pregnant and my daddy blames me for it and he wants me to move back
home or he won't pay for my room and board" I vented.

"Why would he blame you for your sister getting pregnant?" he asked.

"Because she had came to visit me over...."

"Over spring break?" he finished off my statement.

I nodded my head.

"Hmm. Spring Break. I see" he said to himself more than to me.

"Yeah. And even though he says he won't stop paying my tuition since it's from
my grandma's will, he said I am on my own if I plan to stick around here".

"How old are you again, Beyonce?" he asked.

"I'm 17. I'll be 18 in a few months".

"Well I believe you are eligible for work study, if you needed a job" he said.

"I already called them but they said my parents make too much money for me to
be eligible. I'd have to get an off campus job or something" I said.

"Is that too much of an issue?".

"I mean, yeah, kinda. I take a heavy course load and I am involved with a lot of
stuff. I wan to run for government and NAACP. But I can't do all that if I am
working and trying to get Straight A's in my classes. I'm only one person" I
sighed.

"Do you not want to go back home?"

"NO!" I exclaimed, "I love it here. I love the people, the city, my teachers" I
smiled.

We shared a small and knowing chuckle together. I adjusted in my seat as did he.

"Well I definitely see your dilemma. I personally think you should just try to talk
to your father or mother and explain how you feel" he said.

"They wouldn't care. Trust me. My mom maybe would, but not my dad. He feels I
have already proven I can't be trusted".

"Do you think you have earned his trust?" he asked.

"Yes" I said before even considering the question and what it meant.

"Seems like you are going to have to prove to him you can handle yourself before
he treats you like you are more than a child. Getting buckwild on Spring Break
doesn't do much to help ease any fathers mind. You have to look at it from his
side" he said.

"Yeah but who cares if I get buck wild for a week when I am still bringing home
Straight A's? My GPA is still flawless" I insisted.

"It's more than just grades, Beyonce. I heard about what happened to you at the
party with that guy Wiz. It's those type of things that he fears, as any dad would".

"How did you hear about that?" i asked.

"I have my sources".

"Well, I wasn't raped or anything" I said, making sure he knew the true story.

"Yeah, I know. Doesn't change the fact that I was concerned, and still am about
you" he said.

"You're concerned about me?" I asked.

"I am concerned with all of my students".

"No Mr. Carter. I'm not talking about all of your students. I'm talking about me.
Just me. Are you concerned about me?".

"I am" he said, after he had played with it in his head for a moment.

"Then you think I should leave FAM and go home?" I asked.

"I don't think I should offer an opinion about that" he said.

"Mr. Cater, please. For once, just be real with me. I want to know".

"You sure?"

"I'm positive. I need your opinion".

"I saw how you interacted with the girls on this trip. They flocked to you. You are
natural with them. More so than most of the other students who treated them like
they were beneath them. You hugged them, touched them, laughed with them,
and I saw you slip the one girl your number. I see the potential you have to really
connect to and help people. But for that potential to come full circle, I think you
have to grow up...a lot. And the only way I think you will grow up is by severing
ties with whatever is trying to keep tied down".

"Like, my daddy, right?" I asked.

He licked his fingers, eyed me without a word, balled up the bag of chips and
tossed it near the waste basket; perfect swish.

"Goodnight Miss. Knowles" he said, "See you in the morning".

"Mr. C" I said after he had gotten up and prepared to leave.

"Yeah?"

"You do realize you called me Beyonce all through this convo, right?" I grinned,
thinking he hadn't caught it.

"I know" he simply said, "Night Miss Knowles".

"Goodnight" I said simply, even though in my head I had added Shawn to my

parting word.

**

"Are you sure about this Bee?" Michelle asked me, smiling at my offer.

"I am sure. I mean, you helped secure the apartment for me. Why shouldn't we
stay there together?".

"Yeah but how can we afford it?" she asked.

"We'll go half on the rent. Your still doing the work study thing right?" I asked.

"Yeah. I will be working in the library. And the student paper is a paid position
too, although it's less than minimum wage" she said.

"Well that's all we need. You do 500 a month and I'll do 500 a month. I'll go look
for a job. I think we can do it" I said.

"What about your parents? Are they gonna be aight with this?" she asked, truly
trying to examine every area of this.

"Who cares, Shell. They cut me off financially. They can't make me move back.
I'm not leaving FAM. We already have the place, the landlord is keeping it for us.
Let's take advantage of it".

"And what about groceries and utilities and stuff?" she said, still skeptical of the
idea.

"We'll find a way. We will just have to be smart with our money, ya know?" I said.

"Ok. Well, to get this place we have to have the deposit in a few weeks. If you
can get a job by then and we can come up with it. Then I'll give it a go. I don't
want to be in these dorms much longer and I definitely don't want another room
mate" she smiled.

"Yes!" I said, grabbing her and hugging.

Michelle wasn't one for being all touchy, so she patted me and shook her head. I
laughed at it, I was just happy she had agreed to be my roommate so we could
get this apartment. I had filled out a few applications already at stores and
restaurants, and a few days later was offered a job at a restaurant busting tables.
I accepted and was told I would start Monday, but wouldn't get my first paycheck
until three weeks later. This would put us past the deposit deadline. I couldn't
figure out how we'd work our way around this obstacle.

But deep in my mind, there was a solution. A solution that had been calling me
for weeks. I finally answered her call.

"Girl, the hell you been? You lost all the jiggle and now you don't want to work
out anymore?" Rihanna barked at me.

I laughed, "I haven't been in Tally. I went home and then I went on this trip with
my school. I'm back now. I missed your ass. I had just been going through some
stuff" I said.

"I thought you straight ditched me like you ditched that ass you use to have. I do
tend to run b*tches off because of my shit" she said.

"You're not running me off. In fact, come pick me up. Let's go get lunch" I said.

"Can't right now, Bee. I'm about to go do my modeling shit. I'll be free later
tonight though" she said.

"Your modeling shit, huh?" I asked, getting goosebumps.

"Yeah. You've seen my wall. More of that shit" she sighed.

"How much did you say that paid again?" I asked, wanting to confirm the amount.

"30 for the class I'm doing now. It varies from 20 to 30, though. Why?".

I didn't say anything. I was so nervous. Too nervous to even think what i was
thinking out loud.

She laughed.

"Let me find out you want to take off your clothes for some quick cash. Let me
find it out. I SWEAR to Gawd" she giggled.

"Do you get paid the same day?" I asked, skipping past her teasing.

"Oh My Fawking Gawd. You are dead serious, aren't you? Are you in debt with a
loan shark or something? Do you have to pay a ransom? What has actually made
you serious about even considering this?" she asked.

"I need the money, Rih. And, I mean. You said it pays well and it's easy".

"Yeah.... For ME. I don't care about taking off my clothes. The shit is easy for me.
It's the sitting still for hours that is the hard part" she said.

"Well I haven't said I'm going to do it or anything, Rih. I'm just considering my
options" I said.

"No, no, no. When I first told you, you said there was no way you would even
think of doing something like this. What changed? Something drastic had to
change" she insisted.

"What changed? I can't depend on my people to pay for my room and board. I
need the money to get an apartment" I said.

She laughed hard at this.

"Well at least you considered this before stripping or doing porn" she chuckled.

"I'd never strip" I said.

"You said you'd never do this. Don't speak in absolutes. Cuz damn, you are
sounding real desperate right now".

"Rih, can you be serious for a minute? The place you are going to. Are they
hiring?"
"They are always hiring. They are always looking for fresh bodies to use for their
artist" she said.

"Do you think I am skinny enough?" I asked.

"I should hang up on you for asking me that stupid question. I won't even
entertain it" she said, "But they don't care about body types. They accept
whatever. Fat, skinny, ugly, pretty, white, black. They prefer a wide variety".

"Well. Where would I go to fill out an application or something?".

"Are you ready to go right now?" she asked.

"Go where?"

"Fill out your application".

"Um. Yeah, I guess".

"I'll be there to pick you up in a few minutes. You're coming with me" she said
before hanging up.

I told Michelle I was going to hang out with my other friend and left to meet her in
the parking lot. Michelle and I had already packed our bags and put in the notice
that we wouldn't be staying in the dorms for the next year, which meant there
was no turning back from here. This was a decision that would take me past a
place where regret could consume me. But after the late night snack with Mr. C, I
refused to turn back and go home. Any means necessary, I was going to stay in
Tally.

Rih picked me up and was just staring at me grinning. I don't think she truly
believed I was serious about this. Maybe she had reason to think so. Even in the
lockerooms at the gym when she would be ass naked along with other women, I'd
get dressed in a stall or with a towel wrapped around me. Even I couldn't show
her my body, how could I show a class full of strangers? It made no logical sense
to her or even my own head. But I felt I had to transcend the logical. I felt I had to
do something drastic. And this was drastic. This would be the death of Houston
Beyonce and the birth of Tallahassee Beyonce.

"Bee. Let's rethink this. I don't know if you are the life modeling type" RiRi said,
as serious as I had ever heard her.

"Why not?" I asked.

"You're just....so..." she stressed, trying to find the word.

"So what?" I hissed.

"So...boring" she laughed.

"Huh?"

"You are boring. And I've met a lot of people, male and female, that have done
the life modeling stuff. But all of them were as outgoing and crazy as I was.
You're too sane for it. No offense" she said, as if not being crazy was a bad thing.

"So you are saying I have to be crazy to be the type to do it?"

"Yeah. You do. You're too introverted".

"WHy do you like hanging with me if I am so boring, then?" I asked.

She giggled, "I can't hang around too many crazy b*tches. I need to be around
sanity. You're sane and boring. I like boring".

I refused to acknowledge her. I was angry at her for being so quick to label me
and tell me that I couldn't do what she did. Or maybe I was only angry that deep
down I felt she was right. I would NOT be able to go through with this. I was too,
boring, and sane, to allow myself to be so open to people. I just didn't have it in
me and I knew it. Houston seemed so much closer than Tally, even as I rode
around in Rih's car on our way out of the city, to the place where she posed for
art students.

"Bee" she ended up saying after half an hour of silence.

I didn't say anything.

"Ok, stay mad. Whatever. Just know that although I can say whatever I say, you
don't have to accept my words as your reality. I had to learn that on my own. I
didn't have to be what other people said I'd be. I could go down my own path and
defy everyones expectations of me. Everyone. Including my father" she said.

Her words now had my attention. I looked at her and she looked hard at me.

"I wish I could defy my dads, expectations" I said to respond to her.

"You can. YOU have that power. Not him. Or me. Or anyone else. It's all you" she
said softly.

I looked at her and smiled. I appreciated her for once stepping down from her
insane state and speaking to me on a mellow level. I needed that.

"Rih. You are so much saner and boring than you think you are" I said.

She laughed for a minute off that one. I was joking, but she kept laughing, and I
knew it wasn't that funny.

"Is it really that funny?" I asked.

"Yes. Because you are so right".

"How?"

"Beyonce. I model because my dad wanted me to be a Doctor, just like him. My

daddy wanted me to be, just like him. And I refuse to be, just like him. I will go
out of my way to not be, just like him".

"What is it about him that you hate so much? Did...he ever...do something to
you?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. He did a hell of a lot of shit to me" she bitterly said.

"Like. Sexual abuse or something?" I asked, searching her and thinking about my
time with Camile and the other girls.

She chuckled, "Nah. None of that shit. He isn't a pedophile or a rapist. He's just a
conniving monster" she said.

"How, Rihanna? Tell me" I insisted, hoping she would stop her laughter.

"It's a long story, Bee".

"I'm tired of hearing that shit, Rih. Stop hinting that it's me that can't or won't
have the energy or time to listen to this long story. It's you that is making all of
the excuses" I abrasively said.

She took a deep breath and focused on the road. I saw a switch in her demeanor.
No more chuckles, no more smiles, no more bullshit. And I needed her to not feed
me more bullshit. I needed her to be real with me.

"Rih. Please. Let me in" I gently insisted.

"You know Bee. I try to avoid all of this Hallmark sentimental shit. Not because
I'm a heartless, cold, b*tch. Not because I don't have emotions or feelings. I'm
sensitive too. A lot of people just are too stupid to see that tats and scars and
cursing and liking sex more than relationships, don't make me less human".

"I never said you were not human" I began.

"I know. Let me finish, I wasn't saying you were. You have in a round about way,
proven to me that you aren't on that dumb shit like so many other people I meet.
They see me and immediately treat me like an alien. I don't say anything to their
dumbasses. I just let them live. Hell, half of those dumb f*cks are my friends. I
befriend dumbass people all of the time. I thought maybe you were one of the
dumbasses too. But I see, you have at least half of a brain, even though you go
to FAM" she smiled.

"Well...thanks" I said, still unsure of her direction.

"I say all that to say that the reason I didn't want to tell you so much is because I
didn't want it to change the way you treated me. If I keep people from seeing
how f*cked up I am, they don't try to project their wants and desires on me. They
just hang, milk entertainment from me, and we either grow apart or just stop
caring. I'm cool with that. But I see now, with you it's different. And that is the
only reason I am going to tell you this shit. Not because you begged me, or
because you used some passive aggressive rhetoric to try and make me feel bad.
Nice try, but it didn't work. I'm telling you because I think you are worth telling,
and I wasn't sure until now".

I started to say something but she stopped me.

"Don't speak. The floor is mine. You asked, now you're ass is going to listen. Shut
the hell up and keep it shut until I am done. Capeesh?" she grinned.

I shook my head and smiled at her demanding ass.

"Speak" I said.

"My mother wasn't shit. Never was shit. And I doubt she will ever be shit. I lived
with her for my first 10 years, so I was being bred to not be shit. We stole from
people. Men, women, family, friends. She trained me. Me and my siblings. I have
too many half sisters and brothers to count. One of them men she ended up
trapping was my father. He was visiting South America. She poked a hole in a
condom, and now you're looking at the product of some evil b*tch sex".

I nodded as she drove. We were out of Tally and headed south.

"My mom told me much later how I was conceived. She also told me he wanted
to pay for an abortion, but she wouldn't do it. They dated for a while, and broke
up a little after I was born. So fastforward 10 years of me receiving letters and
money from him, and my mother finally realized she couldn't take care of me. I'm
sure it was when she caught me in bed f*cking her new boyfriend. Of course, it
was my fault. And she was glad to get rid of my ass. Sending me to be with my
daddy".

"Wow" I said, intending to ask a question.

"Shut up, Bee. Just listen. Hold your damn questions" she barked.

I put up my hands, and let her have the floor. She was such a damn firecracker.
"So I live with him. He puts me in private school. Tries to reform me".

I forgot she had the floor and interrupted, "He could afford private school?" I
asked.

She sighed angrily.

"Didn't I say to hold your questions? You hard headed child" she smiled.

"Yes. My dad has money. A LOT of money. Why you think my mom tried to trap
his ass? And when I say a lot. I mean, millions. He's well off. Plays with his golf
buddies, lives in a gated community. All that shit. Had me living there and trying
to change my slutty ways. I wasn't allowed to do shit but study, which was ok
initially because I enjoyed it. I was a Straight A student. I was in Who's Who. Had
my pick of colleges. All that. And of course, he wanted me to become a doctor".

I looked on, wondering what the hangup was between him and her.

"The problem was. I got pregnant from a guy at the school. I was 17. My senior
year of HS. It wasn't something I planned, but hey. I was going to suck it up and
take care of my responsibility. But, he would not have it. See, the thing with
Doctors and shit. They care more about looking all perfect with their golfing
buddies than being good parents. He was seen like such an Angel by taking me
in, but he would have been embarrassed if his 17 year old daughter was going to
be having a baby. So he straight up told me. TOLD ME, I wasn't going to keep it.
Told me I wasn't going to ruin my life. I said some shit, like 'ruin it like how mom
ruined yours?'. OH shit. That pissed him the f*ck off. It was in front of his new
bimbo girlfriend. I liked making him feel uncomfortable since he cared so much
about looking a certain way. I went out of my way to do it. He gave me this book
to read called Cut, and I started cutting my arms just to piss him off. Shit like
that. But when he told me I was going to abort my child, I told his ass over my
dead body".

Her phone went off, she checked the number, and then pressed ignore.

"Someone important?" I asked.

"Some guy I met. I let him eat my pussy and haven't called him back since" she
smiled.

"Why?"

"Well, cuz I haven't needed my pussy ate since" she shrugged.

I laughed as she continued.

"So I think he was content to literally kill me so I wouldn't embarrass him.

Threatened to send me back to my no good mother, or kick me out on the street.
Shit like that. He got mad because he couldn't force me to abort my pregnancy.
So he conjured up some shit to force my hand".

"What?"

"Even though I knew my mother wasn't shit. I still loved her, ya know? And he
had been supporting her for years. He moved her to the States, her and her
billion children, which kept her from hoeing and whatever else she did for money.
He told me straight up if I had the child, they were all going back to that poor ass
city. And you know what? I had vivid memories of my mom being passed around
like a blunt to guys so she could pay rent. I didn't want that. I didn't want to be
the cause of that. I didn't want that to be her life again. So I took my ass to the
clinic, by myself, and they sucked the fetus out of my pussy. There. Over. I would
not be a mother".

"What an asshole" I said.

"Monster. I like that word better. I'm an asshole. I don't mind them. But he is a
monster. And he thought because I aborted it that I'd resume my role as his Pro
Bono child and be his daughter that went to Harvard and became a doctor. I
wasn't having that shit. I dropped out of school in my last semester. Moved out of
his house and I've been on my own ever since".

"Why did you drop out of HS?"

"To piss him off. I got my GED later. And after remembering some derogatory
remarks he had made about models. Some shit about them not having proper
parenting. I decided that was what I was going to be. A model. On TV and
magazines. Laughing right in his face. And that's what I am going to do. I even
sent his ass a wall sized photo of my naked ass posing. The one you saw on the
wall? Sent it to him last Fathers Day" she laughed.

I don't think I was truly prepared to hear the story Rih had told me. I didn't even
know how to respond to it. She truly, WAS crazy, and it WOULD have been
impossible for her to tell me why she wanted to be a model in five minutes.

"So, you living in the Ghetto and stuff. Is self inflicted" I said, making sense of
everything.

"As self inflicted as my scars. My dad offers for me to come home all the time. He
offers me money. He offers to pay for my school. He's apologized. All that. But I
refuse. I refuse to accept any of his help. I refuse to feel like charity ever again" .

"It's weird. My sister would have actually wanted to abort her child. Your dad
wanted the opposite" I said.
"Yeah and either way, its about control. Men can be some vindictive, monsters
when it comes to control. They think they have some sort of authority to tell a
woman what she can or should do with HER body. I refuse to adhere to it. I will
cut my skin. I will get tats. I will f*ck who I please. And I will make them
uncomfortable while doing it".

"You a Feminist or something?" I asked.

"Remind me to show you my bookshelf when we get back to Tally. I think you
should be introduced to some Post Modern feminist literature" she giggled.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you are proving that you aren't the boring girl I pegged you as" she
smiled.

We pulled into the parking lot of the professional looking academy. I grabbed my
belongings, she grabbed a bag from out of the backseat, and we made our way
into the front doors. I stepped foot inside, heart thumping against my chest.

"Hey, Rih. How are you" an older white lady said.

"Living" she replied.

The older lady looked over at me and smiled, "And who is your friend?"

"She actually came to see you Tiff. She is interested in modeling for the life
drawing classes. You did say you wanted some fresh bodies" Rih said.

"Oh yezzzz" Tiff said as she looked me over, "HAve you ever life modeled before,
sweety?"

I shook my head no. I couldn't believe where I was and what I was being asked.

"Do you have any modeling history, at all? Any background in art?" she asked.

I shook my head no again.

"Hmm. SO she is completely fresh to this. Do you know what this all consist of?"
she asked me.

"I have been told some of the basics" I said, shyly.

"Ok. Well I can bring you up to speed on what life models do. And if you want,
you can sit in on Rih's class tonight. Just to get a feel for what you'd be doing"
she said.

I looked over at Rih, who was looking at me and making sure I was ok and not
going to run. Rih laughed.

"Ok. But I have a question. Are their any, like pictures or anything like that? Like
cameras? Can this get on the internet?"

"Oh no sweety. This isn't porn" Tiff smiled.

I gave a weak smile.

"There is no pictures of any kind allowed. Everyone of the students in this class
are serious art students. Life Drawing is usually one of the first classes artist take
because drawing the human body is one of the foundations of art. It's also one of
the most difficult things for any artist to do; to try the nude human body. It was
what most classical art was centered around. Picasso. Leonardo Da Vinci.
Rembrandt. All of them did figure drawings".

"Like Bee knows who those people are" Rihanna laughed.

Tiff looked at her, and then back to me.

"Nothing goes on the internet. The students use these classes to help tighten
their skills and build a portfolio. Our models are shown nothing but respect, as
I'm sure Rihanna here has told you. They pose in classical poses, meaning no
explicit poses that display genitals. And our students draw them. Strictly
professional. Always tasteful" she insisted.

"Girl you don't have to sign no contract. You can just watch me. If you don't think
you can do it. No big deal" she said.

"When does the class start?" I asked.

"In about 15 minutes" Tiff said, looking at the wall clock.

A few people walked in the doors behind me. An older guy, looking like he was in
his 40's, and a red haired girl with a backpack and sunglasses. They smiled as
they passed and the girl stopped.

"Hey Rih. Are you the model for tonight?" she asked.

"I sure am. Ready to draw my naked ass again?" she laughed.

"Yeah. Hopefully I capture those scars on your arm better than I did last time.
Fingers and feet are so hard, though" she said.

"You are getting much better Rebecca. Don't be too critical" Tiff said.

"Hopefully" the red head named Rebecca said as she made her way into the
room where about 7 others were already in.
"So are you up for it, hun? No pressure" Tiff asked me.

The question was multi-layered. Basically, the real question was. Do I want to go
back to Texas or do I want to stay in Florida. DO I want to home to my daddy or
did I want to make my new home with Michelle. COuld I really push myself past
the obvious fears associated with this type of thing?

"Sure. I'll watch and let you know if it's something I could do" I said, smiling a
nervous grin, and exhaling the breath I had been holding in.

Rihanna smiled at me.

"Boring Beyonce no more".

I guess so.

Chapter 12

Tiff led Rihanna and me inside of the room where the class was seated. This was
the last class for them, with new classes resuming next week for new students.
The drawings for this class will be their master drawings which were suppose to
be their best works. Tiff ushered me to a seat in the back so I would not disturb
the other artist. It turned out she was the teacher for the class.

The image of the place was a lot different than I had imagined it to be in my
head. For one reason or another, I envisioned it being like a photoshoot with
large lights and a bunch of people around. It wasn't though. It was a cozy little
room with smooth carpet and only 10 or so actual students in the class. Tiff stood
near the front of the class near a podium where the model was suppose to be
positioned.

"You guys, this is Beyonce. She's considering being a model for one of our future
classes" Tiff said.

The students turned around at me and smiled and waved.

"Very beautiful woman. I may have to take that class" one of the men joked
which caused a small chuckle from the others.

"He's just teasing Beyonce" Tiff said.

I sat back and just observed, hoping I wouldn't die from being so nervous. I
wasn't even the one that was getting naked and it felt overwhelming waiting for
it to actually happen. I looked at Rihanna who was still dressed but chatting with
one of the students. A few more students walked in and got seated.

"Who is the pretty girl in the back?" one of the late comers asked.

"She's considering modeling in the next wave of classes. Just wants to get a feel
for how it is" Tiff stated.

The woman smiled at me and waved then turned around, pulling out her art
materials. They all seemed friendly enough, and at least there weren't any
noticeable guys that looked like scumbags, which is what I also had envisioned. I
figured there would be some guys there just to see a girl naked. Figuring why pay
for a strip club when you can pay to go to one of these classes. My fears were
relieved when I actually saw the crowd. They were serious about their craft.
"Oh guys. It's 5. Let's get started so we have more than enough time to get these
done. Tonight is the big night" Tiff said before sliding over and giving Rih the
floor.

I ate my own heart watching her step forward. Some of the students were
watching while others were getting their supplies ready. I guess they had seen
her before, and I was the only one nearly panicking about it. It was just too much.
Rihanna opened her bag, leaving it on the floor, and then snatched off her shirt.
She vent over and untied her shoes, placing them near the podium and then
rolling off her socks and dropping them in her bag. She looked over at me and
smirked, I guess finding humor in how easy this was for her, and how hard it
would be for me if I decided to.

When she undid her bra and let that fall in the bag, I was surprised that her
piercings were removed. Her nipples were just as hard and plump as I
remembered, but seeing them in this room compared to her living room made it
an entirely new sight. She didn't waste any time undoing her jean shorts and
kicking them in the bag. She was standing in the middle of the room barefoot in
her panties and was doing so with such confidence that I immediately envied her.
Without another moment wasted, she slid down her panties, dropped them in the
bag and stood before the onlookers completely naked, grinning back towards me.

This was too much. I would never be able to do that. There was no way.
"Ok. Remember what we went over in our last class about convergence. Focus on
your lines and the dimensions. We'll start with the usual 30 second poses" Tiff
said.

Rihanna turned to step on the podium and I devoured her body, still not quite
believing how people could do this so effortlessly. Like seriously, she was just
standing there out in the open. I had to take a relax just so I wouldn't pass out
from holding my breath. A few people turned around and chuckled to themselves
seeing my reaction to this. They all eventually had their charcoal sticks out and
their full attention was on my naked friend.

When Rih was comfortably standing on the podium she put her hand on her hip,
bent forward, and then stretched one arm out. Looked like something pulled right
out of Greek mythology. The students immediately went to work, the scratch of
the sticks the only noise in the air. The way their eyes moved was like poetry to
me. Quick glances towards Rih, but never longer than a second and then right
back to their papers. Rih was standing completely still holding the pose, looking
straight ahead.

After 30 seconds, she switched her pose by turning around, her bare ass facing
the class, and moved her knees together, put her head down and locked her
arms around her back, her right hand grabbing her wrist. The students
immediately followed this and were drawing all kind of shapes. Squares, spheres,
circles, and after only a few seconds, those odds shapes begin to resemble the
pose Rih was standing in on the podium. She ended up doing about 8 more of
these, each one looking precise and interesting. I didn't know how it worked. I
didn't know if these were poses she had been told to do before hand or if she
were making them up on the spot, but as she did them, I imagined myself on the
podium doing the same.

When she was done doing the short poses, she moved on to longer ones, still no
longer than a minute, but allowing her to do more elaborate poses. The look on
her face was maybe the thing that stood out the most to me. She was so
confident and at ease. Not a hint of laughter or nervousness. This obviously was
her. The real question was could this ever be me.

After 10 or so longer poses, she pulled out a stop watch that was in her bag.

"Ok, so we were moving on to the 30 minute pose. We're going to try and get
three of these from multiple angles, ok Rih?" Tiff said.

Rih simply nodded her head as the students readied a new sheet of paper and
awaited the new pose. They all looked in tune to what they were doing. I guess I
expected it to be a lot more, embarrassing for everyone involved than it was. But
maybe it was because they had seen Rih naked many times before.

Rih dropped to her knees, turned around, her ass resting on her ankles, and put
her right arm on top of her head. She was at an angle, to where one side of the
class had her at one angle and the other had a completely different angle. I tried
to focus in on the lines and shapes and circles the students were drawing, but I
couldn't keep my eyes from turning back towards Rih. Her nudity on full display,
her nudity completely demanding their attention, was an intoxicating concept
that kept me glued in all throughout. There were times she had to take deep
breaths and a few times she put her arms down to rest them before putting them
back in their place.

Tiff was drawing too, I was the only one just watching her be naked. I was the
only one that didn't know how to feel about it all. And soon, I'd have to decide if I
was going to grace the stage. When Rihannas timer went off, she sighed and
stood up "Thank Gawd. My legs were tightening up.

"Ok guys, 15 minute break" Tiff said as about half of the class stood up and made
their way towards the door, walking right past a stretching naked girl. After
yawning and kicking her legs a few times, Rihanna made her way towards me,
still naked, and still confident in it all. I didn't know what was worse. The fact that
she was naked in front of everyone or the fact that no one but me seemed to
care. How I the only sane person in this room? Was this only crazy to me?

"So. You think you can do it?" she smiled at me.

"Rih...you are naked" I whispered.

She cracked up at this, looking down and then making a surprised face.

"Oh, My God, BeeBee" she said like a valley girl, "You are right. I am nakie" she
said covering her breast with one hand and her vagina with the other.

I laughed at this as did a few of those that had remained behind.

"So what do you think Beyonce? You think you'd be up for the challenge?" one of
the guys in the class asked me.

Rih moved to the side so he could get a clear view of me instead of her bare ass.

"Oh wow. I don't know man. This is really something" I declared, truly not
knowing what to say.

Tiff was smiling over at us but she didn't say anything. She started walking
around the room and critiquing the work of the artist.

"David. You're still doing what you did weeks ago. Why are you completely
ignoring the perspective?" she asked one of the students.

Rih leaned in and whispered, "Tiff is kind of a b*tch when it comes to these
drawings".
I laughed at this and listened to her go in on each and every drawing, giving very
few praises. What was interesting, is she never once mentioned a body part or
anything. She kept speaking in artsy or mathematical language. I had no idea
which body part she was even referring to when she would critique. It was hard
to believe, but the nudity did seem to take a backseat when the classes started.
Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be.

"It's interesting. I'm thinking" I told Rih on the low.

She smiled at this and skipped her ass back to the podium as the others returned
to their seats. Eventually she did her hour long pose, this time laying on her back,
eyes closed and her arms behind her head. I thought it was a pose, but really the
girl just went to sleep. She woke up when the timer went off. They had actually
drawn her as she slept naked on the podium.

If this girl could go to sleep with people watching her naked ass, then it had to be
something I could at least try. I made it up in my mind, I wasn't going to sleep on
this opportunity. I was going to do it.

**

QueenBey 2005: Guess what?

S.Carter: What?

QueenBey 2005: I got a job!

S. Carter Word?

QueenBey 2005: Yeah, whatever that means. I'm going to be able to stay at
FAM. Isn't that exciting?!

S. Carter: It is. I'm happy for you. Was hoping things would work out for you...

QueenBey 2005: Why is that? Didn't want to see my pretty face go?

S. Carter: Not quite. You couldn't leave here without taking that public speaking
class you promised you would take

QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: Whatever. I forgot to tell you. I saw the documentary. I must say, it
turned out really good.
Congrats

QueenBey 2005: Thanks. The professor told us it was going to be submitted

and reviewed by the Library and they would decide if they would put it in their
archive for students to check out. *fingers crossed*

S. Carter: Oh don't worry. It will be approved.

QueenBey 2005: And how would YOU know?

S. Carter: Girl do you know who I am? I know things before the school president
does

QueenBey 2005: lol. No I haven't forgot. Mr. C is like God. All knowing

S. Carter: I'm not quite on God's level. But I'm in the same sentence

QueenBey 2005: How sacrilegious is THAT? So arrogant

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: You're lucky you're my favorite teacher

S. Carter: And you're lucky you're my favorite student

QueenBey 2005: I am??? For serious?

S. Carter: lol...

QueenBey 2005: Awww! I am so cheesing right now. *blushes*

S. Carter: lol so I guess I shouldn't tell you I was just joking, right?

QueenBey 2005: Mr. C. Don't play with my heart like that....

S. Carter: Where is your job?

QueenBey 2005: I'm not telling

S. Carter: So it's like that?

QueenBey 2005: Yep. Both of us can be all secretive and stuff...

S. Carter: Lol, i'll talk to you later, Miss Knowles

QueenBey 2005: NOOO! Stay. I'll tell you....

S. Carter: Can't stay. I have a class to teach. We'll chat later...

QueenBey 2005: You promise?

S. Carter: I promise...

QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: Later

**

I had lied to get hired as one of the models for the upcoming life drawing class.
The position was 18 and up, but I was still two months off from being 18. I still
had the fake ID Michelle had gotten me and the screening for the modeling gig
was so easy to fool than Tiff never questioned me more than once about my age.
They were excited to have me as a model. Although they accepted all types of
models, they preferred those that looked natural, meaning they didn't want girls
that had huge breast or looked like porn stars or strippers.

Tiff also told me she was happy to have a model of color since most of the people
that came in were white and skinny models. Rihanna and I were a breath of fresh
air, especially me since I had more curves. She said for an artist they would
rather draw figures with more curves and lines since they are more dynamic to
draw. Drawing skinny people wasn't as much fun. In fact, the most exciting
subject for most artist were the fat people that came through every now and
then. It was more challenging and therefore more a more exhilarating
experience. I figured this may have been why bigger women were considered the
beauties of Classical times.

The class I had been hired for was actually an anatomy class, in the same
building where Rih had taken me. It paid $25 and would be a four hour class.
They met once a week and Tiff recommended me because my body was perfect
for the subject. In the anatomy figure drawing classes, they were entirely focused
on drawing the human body in as much detail as possible, as opposed to the
motion drawing class that Rihanna had posed for. They needed a body that was
both aesthetically defined and toned.

Although Tiff explained to me the basics, the rest was left up to me. I still didn't
know exactly how I was suppose to go about doing things.

"Should I shave?" I asked RiRi the night before. I was a nervous wreck.
"Do whatever you want to do, Bee" she said, halfway sleep.

"Thanks again for the loan Rih" I said.

The deposit for the apartment was due so Rihanna had paid my half and in return
I'd pay her back. She was sleepy though, it was 1 in the morning, and I was really
just looking for company more than anything else.

"Yeah yeah. Just pay me back" she sighed.

"Rih. Wake up. Can't you see I am stressed to death! I don't know if I can actually
go through with this" I said.

"You'll be fine, girl. Just breath and relax. I promise. After five minutes, it won't
even be a big deal" she encouraged.

"I hear you. I'm just so nervous. Just thinking about it has me wanting to throw
up".

"Those are just butterflies. You'll be ok. Everyone has em their first time".

"Even you?" I asked.

"Even me. I am human Bee. I get nervous every class. It's a certain excitement
and anxiousness that comes with it. But the bad feelings go away and the good
feelings stay. You'll be fine. I wouldn't lie to you and if I thought you couldn't do
it, I'd tell you".

"OK...but I have one question"

"Uhmm?" she moaned sleeply.

"Have you ever got horny up there?".

She laughed a sleepy laugh.

"Girl, all the damn time. I was horny when you was there. But even that too goes
away after awhile. It's not a big deal. We're human. It's natural. The artist don't
care. They are too focused on not f*cking up their lines and shapes and shit" she
said.

"I'm scared ima be horny" I stated.

"Well just be happy you aren't a guy. They frown upon erections there. I
remember this one guy had a boner for the entire three hour class. He wasn't
invited back" she laughed.
"Why? It's natural" I said.

"Being naked is natural. But having your dick hard and winking at female artist is
sexual. Difference between porn and art" she said.

"You think they will like drawing me?" I asked.

"Bee I love ya but damn you can be annoying. Shut the hell up and go to sleep,
right now. I'll see you in the morning" she said.

I laughed, "Aww, Rih I wuv you too".

"Say you 'wuv' me one more time and we're not friends anymore".

"I wuv you!" I laughed, right before she hung up on my ass.

My dorm room was bare as we'd be moving into the apartment in two days. The
bags were packed and we were ready to move on. The next two days of my life
would be a new direction in my life. This fact alone made it impossible for me to
sleep. I got up and went into the bathroom, taking a shower and shaving every
inch of my body. I wanted to be smooth and pretty. I wanted to be confident and I
knew I'd feel self conscious if I had too much hair on my body. After cleaning
every crevice, spot, and hole of my body, even though I was sure I'd shower
again in the morning, I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself.

I began posing, the same way I had seen Rihanna pose for the class. I held the
pose for a few minutes and then switched to something else. I can do this I said
to myself as I looked in the mirror. I can and I will.

**

I woke up into a reality that seemed more dream than real life. The butterflies in
my stomach had now been replaced with a suspension of disbelief. As I rode with
Rihanna to the art class, I realized there was so much about me that I still had yet
to uncover. My strengths, my weaknesses, my fears, all seemed to be in a blur as
the rain drops fell slowly on my girls windshield. I thought about the ethics of
what I was doing. I thought about what Mr. C had taught me in regards to
evaluating a situation and making a moral decision.

I could have told Tiff the truth. That I was 17, about to turn 18, and she could
have keep me in mind for future classes. What would be the outcome? I'd lose
the apartment, Michelle would have to apply late for a dorm, and I'd have to
leave the one place that ever made me feel alive. This would be the ethical
choice based on the textbook. I was a minor, the position called for models only
18 years or older. And me deciding to go through with this, even if technically the
age thing was just weeks off, would be a disrespect to Tiff, the students, the art
academy, and the law.
But then, there was the other decision I could make. Consequentialism. The
alternative concept that said I should make the choice that would provide the
best consequences for the people involved. For me, I'd be able to quickly pay
Rihanna back, the students would the perfect model for their subject, and
Michelle and I would get the apartment, and I'd be able to stay enrolled at FAMU.
This concept told me that I was morally right to do what I was about to do.

I weighed them both, and by the time we reached the building, I knew which one
I would go with. Consequentialism was my least liked ethical principle that I
learned about because I felt it was selfish and too relative. But in this instance, it
was the only choice that I could live with.

Rihanna wasn't going to stay for my class as she had errands to run, but she told
me she would be back to get me after my four hour first class was over. Without
her, and the safety blanket of her car, I would truly be on my own. When I walked
into the class, there would be no turning back. No easy way home. I was an hour
from Tally and I didn't have any money. Shedding my clothes was the tall task,
the action that would have to be taken on this early, rainy morning. But really, it
wasn't the clothes I would have to shed. I would have to shed my own self image.
I would have to let a part of myself go, simultaneously while letting my clothes
fall to the floor.

"You sure you don't need me here, Bee? I can stay if you reaaaly want me to" Rih
asked.

I sighed, "No. No Rih. I have to do this without a babysitter. I have to. I need to" I
said.

"Trust me girl. It's really not that bad once you're doing it. Remember what I said.
Breathe. I held my breath and almost passed out the first time I did it. If you get
dizzy, let them know you need a breather. Use your breaks to relax your body
and your mind. You'll be fine, ok? You can do it" she encouraged.

"And your advice for if I get horny?" I smirked, trying to joke away my
nervousness.

"Use your break to rub one out in the bathroom" she shrugged.

I laughed, "ILLL"

"That's real shit. But frown up your face if you want to" she said.

The rain had been at a steady drizzle, but the sky became darker which signaled
a storm was coming. No sooner did I reach in the backseat for my gym bag the
drops of rain became thick, quick, and numerous, thumping hard against the
windows.

"Shit. You got an umbrella?" I asked.

"I sure do. But that is MY UMBRELLA" she smiled.

"You want me to run out to the building in all of this?"

"Look girl. You're about to be bucking naked anyways. Who cares if your clothes
are wet. I can't be running my errands in wet clothes. Sorry, should have brought
your own" she said.

"RiRi, you are not right" I sighed looking out the window as the rain kept coming
harder and harder.

"You've known I wasn't right for months now. Don't act brand new. Now go do
your modeling shit. I'll be here to get you at one. If you need more just call me.
Oh yeah, are you sure you don't want any breakfast? You shouldn't do this on an
empty stomach. I can go get you a egg mcmuffin or something real quick".

"Nah Rih. I dont even want to think about food right now, i'm so nervous. I have a
feeling if I eat anything I will be throwing it right back up. Plus I ain't tryna get
gas or have to use the bathroom or anything. Oh Gawd. Rih, what happens if I
have to go to the bathroom or sumnthin?" I asked, dreading being in the middle
of a pose and then getting bubble guts.

"Bee. Get out. Just get your shit and get out. You're going to psyche yourself out
if you kept going over disaster scenarios in your head. You'll be fine. Go. Now"
she said, automatically unlocking the doors and unbuckling my seat-belt with her
right hand.

I looked and her and pouted. She was really kicking me out in this rain to go
expose myself for strangers. She was really kicking my ass out.

"Out, Bee. Go. Your class starts in 15 minutes".

I sighed one last time, looked at my friend who no longer was smiling, but looking
annoyed by my reluctance to move, and then I opened the door. A few drops of
rain crashed in, causing me to bring the door back in but when I looked over at
Rih and saw the way she was looking at me, I opened the door, yanked my bag
and made a dash with the bag over my head towards the door.

I didn't have time to rethink walking in the doors because I needed to escape the
rain which had soaked me even though I was only in it for a few seconds. The
warm summer air didn't prepare me for the chill of the building when I walked in,
drenched from head to do. I caught my breath and tried to adjust to the shock of
the chilling air when I was greeted by Tiff.

"Hi Beyonce" she grinned, finding some humor in me out in this weather without
an umbrella.
"Hay" I managed, catching my breath and shivering.

"Nice weather, huh" she smiled.

"Yeah, for the frogs".

She giggled, although I couldn't tell if it was at me or with me. It didn't really
matter. I actually was anxious to get out of these wet clothes because I was
going to freeze to death if I stood in them too much longer.

"I'm glad you showed. So many of the first time models never do. I understand
the first time is always a battle of the mind. Getting naked. Having strangers see
you. Not having anywhere to hide. Every eye in the room looking at every inch of
you-"

"Ok I get it, I get it" I laughed wearily.

She laughed too, "I'm just joking with you sweety. It's good you can laugh at
yourself. Trust me. It helps".

"Have you ever done this before?" I asked.

"What? Model Nude?"

I nodded.

"Oh yes. Most artist that teach these classes have. So I definitely know how you
are feeling right now".

"I don't know Tiff. I'm just hoping I don't make a fool of myself and do something
wrong".

"Like show up drenched from head to toe?" she smiled.

I giggled, "Yes. Like that. Not a good start for the day. And I'm freezing".

"Well, the dressing room is over here. You can change out of those clothes into
your Kimono and meet your class inside when you are ready. Tell the instructor
to turn up the heat if it's too cold for you" she said.

"Wait? You're not teaching the class?" I asked.

"Oh no. I teach the motion drawing class. This figure drawing class is for
anatomy. Porter is the instructor for your class. Although if you handle this one
well, I would love to have you in my class".

Students were walking in, umbrellas and raincoats protecting them from the
downpour, which made me stand out all the more. Why had I not brought an
umbrella or raincoat? I was so focused on picking out the perfect pair of panties
and cleaning and shaving myself that I didn't dedicate a thought to anything else.
What did it matter that I had worn my best pair of panties? It DIDN'T EVEN
MATTER.

"Are you the model?" an older male said as he approached me.

He had grayish brown hair and was balding, likely one of the 40 to 50 year olds
that Rih had told me about. He had a warm smile on his face, one of genuine
curiosity. But still, it was difficult to approach. It was hard to admit aloud that I
was the girl he was about to see in the nude. I was the girl all of these people
were about to see. It's one thing to accept it, but to say it aloud? Man, that was
torturous.

"Yes" I said, sounding small and intimidated.

"Aww. Well good luck. Glad to see a fresh face" he said before making his way
into the classroom.

I peaked inside the room, which was not the room Rih had modled in, and
swallowed hard. The room was a lot bigger and more intimidating than the cozy
little room of Tiff's class. That was the room I had imagined myself in. That was
the room I prepared myself for, not this open room with even more students than
the one Rih had been in.

"Well, Beyonce. Good luck with the class. I'm sure you will do great" Tiff smiled,
before patting me on the shoulder and making her way into the hallway.

I looked at the clock on the wall and it was nearly 9. The class would be starting
soon and I still wasn't anywhere close to being ready. I walked to the room Tiff
had stated was the dressing room, when really it was just an office with a mirror
and some chairs in it. When the door shut, I locked it, and looked at myself in the
mirror.

My hair was a mess, my skin was becoming wrinkly and damp, and I felt ugly.
This was going to be a disaster, I just knew it was. I wanted to cry. I wanted to
f*cking cry, because it was feeling too overwhelming. Everyone kept saying they
knew I would do a good job and were not worried, but I couldn't accept their
words as truth. I was a frightened girl, not considered a woman by anyones
standards, and they were expecting me to shed 17 years of conditioning in less
than 10 minutes, as well as my clothes.

I sat down in the chair and rocked, holding my arms close to my chest, just
wishing I could run away from it all. The pressure of this moment, the pressure of
school, the pressure of defying my parents and really doing things my own way. I
had bitten off more than I could chew. Written a check I couldn't cash. I felt sorry
for myself, and the tears, like they always would, started to flow. I was such a
damn baby. Can't do anything without crying. Can't face any adversary without
crying. I would never be anything other than Beyonce Knowles, the home
schooled girl from Houston.

Before I could wallow in more self pity, I heard a knock at the door.

"Hey You? You are the model for the class right?" a male voice said.

I wiped my eyes, cleared my throat and answered "Yes...I am".

"Ok well the class starts in a few minutes and our other model has to get
wardrobed, so speed it up".

With his urgency that I hurry it up, I glanced in the mirror at the tearful girl one
last time, and stood up. I had no plan. No real confidence in what I was doing. But
I figured I'd know within a few seconds if I could actually go through with it. I
dried my eyes as I slid my feet out of my tennis shoes. My white socks came
next. Without much thought, I started with my wet shirt, which was sticking to my
body. I managed to get it off, and then I reassessed.

I was cold, the open air touching my bare shoulders, but I didn't think I had been
pushed past my threshold yet. I could endure more. I started messing with my
jeans button, struggling with it more than I needed to, and opening it as I took a
breath. I rolled down one leg and stepped out and then stood on one leg as the
other cuff came off. I dropped the wet jeans on my wet shirt.

I reassessed. I was standing in my bra and panties. The set I had taken 15
minutes to pick out. I looked in the mirror and wondered what the students would
think of me. I didn't even know what to think of myself.

The second knock at the door came.

"Excuse me miss, but I really have to get in my robe" a different male voice said.
I assumed this was the other model.

"I'm sorry. Give me a minute" I said, quickly reaching for my Bra strap. It
unsnapped a lot easier than I wanted it to. And when the straps fell back and I
was left holding it against my breast, I felt a thunderous shiver overtake me. I
caught myself looking in the mirror. I was almost there. Almost.

I snatched the bra away from it's hiding place, and quickly looked at my breast in
the mirror. It wasn't a shock to me that my nipples were hard and pointed. It was
cold. And I was feeling strangely excited. Not horny. But excited about what I was
almost doing. Riding this wave of excitement, I pealed both sides of my panties,
and gasped as they easily came down my hips. I didn't bother to look at myself
finish this last stage. I stepped out of my panties and dropped them in the gym
bag, refusing to look at myself.

"What am I doing" I said aloud, although I didn't even realize it until the words
had escaped.

My bare feet on the carpet made me feel odd. The cold air blowing against my
chest made me feel strange. The gravity I felt from my breast being free made
me feel weird. But none of those feelings compared to the utter horror I felt when
I looked in the mirror by accident and saw how exposed my vagina actually was.
EVERYTHING was visible. My lips, my clit, and the meat that usually was hidden
by my natural curtain.

I couldn't believe how much I had actually shaven. I couldn't believe I was so
dumb to take it this far.

"I will just use this other room" the male voice on the other side of the door said.

I wasn't focused on him. I was focusing on the shocked eyes of the girl I stared at.
This was me. That image was me. I was here and doing this. When I could no
longer look at myself and tolerate it, I reached in my bag and grabbed the
Kimono I had bought the previous day at the mall. I put it on quickly, tucking the
sides in, and making sure there was no way I would accidentally expose any body
parts. There wasn't a real logical reason for doing this, but I did it anyway.

I wrapped my hair in a bow, because of how sticky and nasty it was, and made
sure my belongings were secure in the locker. It was 9 a.m. The class had
started. And if I didn't want to cause any more attention to myself than was
necessary I had to get in there now. No need to be naked and embarrassed
because I was late and holding up the class.

Opening the door was a step all in itself, as was stepping into the hallway on the
cold floors. Rih had told me to buy flip flops, but I had forgotten them at the
apartment because they were packed in one of my moving bags. Oh well, there
was no looking back, I had to get to the class. I quickly walked across the floor,
holding my robe shut in a death grip, and hoping this day would end with me
somehow not dying. I felt like I was going to die, either of embarrassment or lack
of oxygen to my brain. Rih was right, I was holding my breath way too often, and
I hadn't even started yet.

I made my way past an open door where a class was already stating. I figured it
was possibly with the other model that had come. To my surprise, the guy wasn't
in shape at all. He looked like someones dad. And not the one you'd fantasize
about.
I giggled to myself, thinking about how the guys in the glass must have felt but
quickly dropped those thoughts. I had more on my plate. I breathed when I made
it to the door of my class which was open and exhaled when I saw every student
inside look towards me. Here I was. At the doorstep of a new life.

"Come on in. Take a seat and relax" the instructor I was assuming was Porter,
said.

I did as I was told and walked in, sitting all the way in the back. I weakly smiled at
the students in the class, who all looked kind, albeit amused at my entrance.
They sat in a circle, with an unusual arrangement of pillows in the middle of the
class. They all looked at me for a second, smiled, and then re-focused on the
teacher. I took the time to focus on the room.
Porter stated that the bags were from a previous class and he had the male
students to move it from the podium. I sat still, just knowing he was going to put
me on the spot and asked me to get naked. I waited, and waited, and waited,
thinking the second I dropped my guard would be the second I'd be called upon.
But my anticipation was all in vain. That ended up being the hardest part of it all,
knowing it would have to happen sooner or late, but agonizing over how much
longer it would be. I could have stayed in my clothes and cried a little longer in
the dressing room if I knew it would take this long.

Since it was the first day of the anatomy class, Porter took the first hour of the
class to talk about the human body. He had one of those skeletons that you'd see
in a science class, standing right in the middle of the room where he spoke. He
pointed out collar bones and knees and ribs, speaking in terms I didn't
understand but artist seemed to understand. A few people would glance at me
whenever he would mention "subject", which I quickly learned was code word for
me, but mostly people seemed in tune to his words.

He was an aggressive guy, aggressive in his words, his body language, and even
in his appearance, a bushy beard hiding his face. He scared me. A total opposite
from Tiff. I wished I would have been in her class instead of this guy. But the
more he spoke, the more I started to forget where I even was. I became empty
headed, daydreaming about Mr. Carter and wondering what would he think if he
knew I was doing this. Those thoughts led to my parents. What would they think
if they knew I was doing this. I actually enjoyed the fact that they would have
been shocked. That made me feel justified in what I was doing. Totally defying
their expectations of me. Shattering the innocent and docile image of their oldest
child.

I wasn't that girl anymore, I thought as my bare feet touched the ground,
reawakening my senses and reminded me that I was completely naked
underneath my robe. The rain outside had stopped and the sun was starting to
peak in, which gave the room a new look. Still intimidating, but not as dreary.

"Pay attention to the models unique bone structure and use them as reference
points. The head references the shoulder. The hips reference the toes. See the
reference points and you'll see the whole. See the whole and you'll draw what
you see" Porter said to the listening students.

He had been speaking like this for an hour, so when he finished the statement, it
didn't settle into my head that it was a closing statement.

"Take 10 and we'll start with the live model" Porter said, immediately followed by
most of the students making their way to the door, already reaching for
cigarettes and cell phones. They all looked at me as they passed, knowing they
were a countdown away from getting to see me in all of my glory. What a
privileged. They sit in the comfort of their seats and mentally dissect me while I
squirm and wonder what they will think. What an arrangement these figure
drawing classes were.

"You ready, miss?" Porter asked, breaking me out of my trance.

I looked up and saw that his eyes weren't as hard and empty as they initially
seemed to be. He wasn't smiling, but he wasn't grilling me either.

"I'm as ready as I will ever be, I guess" I said.

He nodded and that was the end of his acknowledgment of me. I was truly on my
own here. No encouragement from anyone, no more words from people like Tiff
or Rih telling me I could do it. That was all gone. If I was going to do it, the last
push would have to come from elsewhere. That last bit of encouragement would
have to come from inside. I would have to do this. No one could carry me to the
finish line.

The clock must have taken speed, because 10 minutes went by like 10 seconds,
as the students were back in their seats and the floor was mine before I even had
a chance to inhale and exhale. Or maybe I had literally held my breath for 10
minutes. I did feel lightheaded and like I wanted to vomit. But I pushed through
the first level of doubt and stood up, and taking the first few steps toward the
center of the universe. The students eyed me curiously. They could tell it was my
first time. This was an exercise of will. A battle between fear and courage. David
vs Goliath. Houston vs Tallahassee. I refused to let Houston win.

"Go ahead and disrobe and we will begin" Porter said in a calm but demanding
voice.

He said it so effortlessly, with little care or concern for the effort it would take for
me to follow through. All eyes were on me. I think I even felt the eyes of God
watching. I was being touched while not being touched, from every direction, as
the circle of anxious students, and an impatient teacher, awaited my moment of
truth.

I caught myself doing the number 1 don't yet again. I was holding my breath. I
breathed in and then out, like the pregnant women did in their Lamaze classes.
And that was what this was like. Pushing. PUSHING. Pushing it out. Birthing a
manifestation of myself. The only way I think you will grow up is by severing ties
with whatever is trying to keep tied down. The words Mr. Carter had spoken to
me. I knew then, he wasn't talking about my father. He was talking about me. He
was talking about the old me. I opened my robe, and the heart monitor of
Beyonce from Houston flat-lined.

Chapter 13
There is nowhere to run when there are eyes watching you from every direction;
nowhere to run but inside. As my robe lay on the floor, kicked to the side, and I
stood before wide eyed strangers, it took every ounce of energy I had left in my
weightless body to keep from fainting. For a moment I covered myself with my
hands, but when I heard the teacher cough, I let them fall at my waist.

I felt heat, literally felt heat coming from their glares, burning my skin and
causing me to sweat. I wasn't cold anymore, I was feverishly hot. But in their
eyes, I simply was naked. And maybe that was where the crux of this experience
was it's most frightening. It was a simple story, with a clear beginning, middle,
and end. I disrobe, they draw me, and I put back on my clothes. No plot twist, no
contrived character development, no moral to take home and digest. I simply had
to be naked for three plus hours.
Initially, I didn't want to look at any of the students. I was afraid of how they
would look at me. What part of me were they focused on? My breast, with my
erect nipples clearly visible? My hairless crotch which offered an intense view of
my most intimate spots. Or were they looking at my face, in my eyes, which left
little to the imagination as clearly as my naked body did. I was a wreck. I was
horrified. I was NAKED.

Before I even had a real chance to announce that reality to the world, which had
a population of one, myself, Porter was already using me to teach the class.
Literally, using me. I looked at him and wanted to be offended because he wasn't
looking in my eyes, they were firmly centered in on my chest. I wanted to shield
myself from him, it only seemed natural. It seemed unnatural to have people just
gawking at me while I remained still and defenseless.

What I immediately became aware of was the movement of my hands. I didn't

know what to do with them. Instincts told me to move them to my private parts.
But I had to consciously tell myself to keep still. And then I had to tell myself
what to do with my hands. You never notice you even have hands until a moment
like this. I never noticed I had toes until this moment. I was sure my hands and
toes were the last thing anyone else would notice as well.

Once I got over myself, and my ears stopped ringing from being on cloud 9, I paid
attention to what Porter was saying. It was also the first time I took a look at the
students. To my surprise, none of them were giggling or pointing or even staring.
Most of them were actually looking at the instructor or at their papers.

In one of the most irrational moments of my life, I actually got offended. I'm
naked here, people. Can you please show a little more enthusiasm? The nerve of
you to not treat me like the center of all attention right now. I had to close my
eyes for a moment and calm the hell down. What was wrong with me? Mad
because they weren't looking? What was worse? Full attention on my nakedness
or partial? I couldn't decide.

"What I really want you to focus on is the back and shoulders. This is the area in
which most drawings will either fail, or succeed because they reference the entire
body" Porter said.

I looked at him and he eyed me for the first time. No lust were found in his. I
guess this wasn't anything new to him.

"Could you turn around" he smiled.

I turned around, my ass now facing where a good portion of the class was sitting
and now my face being visible to the other side of the class. This was so
humiliating. I felt so vulnerable and defeated. My bare ass just open for public
examination.

"Very nice back and shoulder structure" he said to me.

He went on about my back and shoulders for the next 10 minutes as I just stood
and turned when he directed me to. He went on and on about how backs and
shoulders must be compelling and defined to be believable as portraits and that
it helps when the model has perfect structure. Apparently, I did. Still, I couldn't
quite get over the fact that each side of the class was getting multiple angles of
my ass. Sure, he was referencing my shoulders and everything, but could it be
possible that none of them were secretly just peeping my booty? Damn, and the
fact that I couldn't watch them as they looked only made it worse. At least when
it came to the front I could tell what they were looking at. But for the handful of
students at any given time to my back? They had a free view and all I had was
speculation.

Once the initial shock of being naked started to calm, my adrenaline level
dropped and I started to notice the little things. My legs were getting tired from
standing, my hip was itching and I didn't want to scratch in front of them, and my
neck was starting to feel cramped from standing so still. I couldn't relax being on
display. My posture was like a robot. One with no personality. I was literally a
dead skeleton with skin attached.

For the next half an hour, Porter had me stand side by side with the Skeleton and
went into detail talking about my bones and how to draw them. My legs started
to wobble and shake the longer I stood. I wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down
more than I wanted to cover myself, at this point. But I kept standing,
uncomfortable by the heat of my aching legs more than the heat from the staring
eyes.

"Start with a line that will blend skin, bones, light, and shadows and let the
natural progression of your eyes lead you. Each angle presents a unique way to
draw. But you should always keep the same mental process. Reference points
and remember that you are drawing a whole picture. Hair isn't a hat. Eyes aren't
decorations. Your most simple brushes are always the most powerful" he
preached.

The way he talked started to annoy me in a way. He talked of individual body

parts like they were inanimate objects. I understood why. It had to be that way.
But it didn't stop me from feeling slighted. Here I had undressed to my barest
essence and he was all but trying to make sure they had unseen my nakedness,
and only saw my lines and curves and structure. These were more than just
individual shapes that made up a picture. It was more than a breast or a leg or a
butt cheek. They were my breasts and my legs and my butt cheeks.

"Ok. We'll take a quick five minute break and we'll get to drawing" Porter said.

Only a few students left this time, as the majority of them remained in their seats
and looking up at their subject.

"I really appreciate you being a natural beauty. We get way too many people with
boob jobs and plastic surgery and makeup. Your youthful look is classic art"
Porter said in as collected and genuinely nice a tone as I had heard since I had
been in the classroom.

"..Thanks" I said, finding a bit of comfort in his words. I guess the makeup that
ran off because of the rain actually had helped me out.

He motioned towards the floor where my robe was, and I quickly squatted down,
surely giving a view to those in the back of me, and picked it up. I slid it around
my body and relaxed my posture for the first time in nearly an hour. Finally. I
could release some of the tension.

"You're doing a great job, Beyonce" a woman from the right of me encouraged.

"I concur. I can tell you are nervous. But you've definitely risen past it" someone
else behind me stated.

I couldn't look at them all at once, which had me feeling a bit weird, but I
accepted their compliments.

"Thanks everyone. I really am nervous" I smiled, a true sign of my nervousness.

"What do you do, Beyonce? Are you a student?" the guy I had met outside of the
classroom asked.

"Yes. I'm about to be a Sophomore" I replied.

"What are you studying?" he asked.

"Education. I want to be a teacher".

He nodded his head with his naturally bright smile attached, "Smart girl, I see. My
mother was actually a teacher for 50 years or so" he started.

And before I knew it, I was wrapped in a conversation about education and the
school system with these people that had just spent an hour seeing me nude.
Comments came from each direction, limiting my ability to fully participate, but I
commented on what I could. For some reason, I was appreciative of their
friendliness. It made it feel less cold and distant. Sure, I was still embarrassed,
but I was also glad that were able to see me as more than a subject to draw. I
was also a scared woman doing something completely new. They recognized it
and didn't want me to go at it unacknowledged.

When the few breakers returned from break, Porter returned to the center of the
room and looked at me. I knew what the look meant. Time to disrobe yet again.
Time to start this thing all over again. Surprisingly, the second time wasn't as
dramatic to my mind and body. I slide it off, dropped it, and took a deep breath.
This time, Porter told the students to get their charcoal and pads ready.
"You can go ahead and start your 20 one minute poses" he said, bluntly.

He looked over to the podium which told me that was where I was suppose to be.
I walked over, feeling really self conscious and hoping I wouldn't fall or
something, and then I stood on top of the platform. Now I was positive those in
the front had a clear view of my explicit lady parts. I could feel my clit being
devoured by their eyes. And, it was then, my biggest fears came true. I had joked
with RiRi about it, but I never actually expected it to happen. I was actually
getting aroused!

And in this shocked state of hornyness, I completely forgot what I was suppose to
do and how I was suppose to do it. My mind went blank as every part of my body
except my pussy went numb. Beyonce. You are buckin naked and horny and all
of these people are watching. RUN! Get OUT of here!

I tried to remember some of the poses Rihanna had done, but nothing came to
mind. All I could think of was my protruding clitoris out in the open. All I could
think about was running bare ass out of this place to the safety of my clothes.
The second time disrobing had actually became worse than the first time.

"Do you need help with the poses?" Porter asked, after he saw me looking
dumbfounded for God knows how long.

"Yes" I replied quickly, hoping tears wouldn't come.

He walked over quickly, his arms moving feminine like as he walked, and making
me wonder if he was ghay.

"May I touch?" he asked me.

Touching, unless allowed by the model, was strictly forbidden. But I guess I didn't
actually see the harm since I was out here making a fool of myself. He grabbed
my arms forcefully, and positioned them around, making me feel like the
Skeleton at the other end of the floor. For the next 20 minutes, he moved me
around like Gumby, allowing the students to get warmed up by drawing 20 quick
portraits of me. At first, I found myself cheesing in the poses like I was taking a
picture. A few students laughed about it.

"Don't smile like it's going up on myspace" Porter said.

"I'm sorry" I smiled, not being able to help how wide it was.

He grinned, "Think Mona Lisa. A small, Mona Lisa smile is fine".

I was shocked at how little the class was actually structured when I had the floor.
It was all up to me to keep the class going. I wished there was a routine I could
follow so I could lose myself in formula instead of being aware of both my nudity
and trying to please my drawers.

I was so afraid of not doing it right that I briefly forgot all about the overwhelming
consciousness of my nudity. It was brief though, as an open window reminded me
all over again. I guess it was silly, considering I was being seen by people
already, but I felt self conscious with the window open like that. What if someone
was just walking by and they saw me? I didn't want that. I didn't want anyone
looking that didn't have the privilege to look.

"Do you mind closing the window?" I asked.

Without another word, one of the students immediately went over and shut it.
Maybe for the first time, I remembered what Rihanna had told me about the
models in the classroom. They were in control of the class, even more than the
teacher. They controlled the poses, the music that would play, if any did it all, as
well as the intensity of the sessions. This thought startled me. But in a good way.

It made me feel; empowered by the situation. I controlled this. I controlled their

pencil. They were all my pawns. And with this thought came the desire to once
again do this by myself.

"I think I have it, Mr. Porter" I smiled.

He stepped back and grinned at my sudden boast of confidence. It was amazing

how being at your most humiliated state could build confidence. The soul
searching involved with overcoming the shackles of fear was a one of a kind
strength that no clothed person would ever understand.

I moved on to longer poses, making them up on the spot as I went, some

standing, some sitting, but all of them imaginative. I used a few poses to help me
rest my pressure points which were being worked on. You never truly realize how
mentally and physically exhausting it was to hold a pose for longer than 20
minutes. But my desire to tell a story with my body language helped to numb the
pain. Some poses, I could remain as still as the waters of a lake while others were
filled with ripples that never went away. I looked in the artist eyes as they drew
and tried to imagine what they saw, just so I could give them poetry in motion. I
remained calm and still, so their trance wouldn't be interrupted.

"Draw what you see in front of you. A first time model. Most of her poses are of
self defense. Her body language is speaking a language that all of you can relate
to. The first time. The balance between tension and release. Draw this. Let your
arms remain strong and yet relaxed. Balance. Stroke. Firm. Soft" Porter said.

It sounded like sex to me, and I giggled to myself. Hell, maybe this entire
experience was a mix of art and sex. Or maybe sex was art. Or maybe I was over-
thinking it. And it really was a simple story with three parts. Getting naked,
drawing, and getting dressed. No climax.
Before my last pose of the class, I startled the class when my stomach made the
biggest growling noise ever. It sounded like a mix between a queef and a sneaker
on a basketball court. I had tried to push it to the back of my head. But I WAS
starving. The class laughed, they all heard it and they all knew what it meant.

Porter used tape to mark my exact positioning on the podium and one of the
students offered me a half of their Sub Sandwich. I didn't want to accept, but she
insisted. It was a Turkey breast sub with extra Mayo and green peppers. I
devoured it, wearing my robe of course, and laughed at how great food tasted
when the hunger unexpectedly snuffed you.

When the final seconds ticked off my timer and marked the official end of the
class, I silently thanked God for allowing me to survive. I immediately went for
my robe, not caring that half of the class once again had a clear view of my bent
over ass. Once it was on, I was finally able to truly relax. Posing meant I had to be
in a state of shallow breathing. It felt good to finally be able to breathe normally
again.

A few of the students offered me a chance to see their drawings as Porter walked
around and critiqued them.

"Do you need your eyes checked? I know you don't think these hands belong to
the same person?" Porter barked at one student.

And then it hit me. What exactly had these people captured? Did their drawings
of me perfectly capture my flaws or did they greatly exaggerate them? And even
worse, would I even be able to tell the difference?

"What do you say, Beyonce? Want to take a look? You did awesome by the way"
the guy I had met said.
"Oh wow. This is me?" I laughed.

"No. But I tried. I still need a lot of work. But hey, only the first class" he replied.

Porter went around and pretty much critiqued everyone. It made me feel weird,
since I thought they all were beautiful. It was intoxicating going around and
looking at the different interpretations of me. Each person saw me differently.
Each person captured something different. All of them had a unique sight of my
nudity, their eyes seeing something that only their eyes could see

The drawings the students drew were usually kept so they could improve upon them. They
hardly ever gave them away since they could be used in portfolios and improved upon from
memory. When a model wanted one of the portraits, liked what RiRi had on her walls, they
had to pay for them. But since this was my first time and apparently they had taken a liking to
me and my demeanor, one of them offered to give me his work so I could remember it.

"You'll cherish it hopefully" he smiled.

"Thanks. I'm sure I will" I said.

I left the classroom and got dressed quickly, finding the feel of my clothes to be briefly
foreign. I discovered Tiff had washed and dried them for me. All of my personal belongings
had been left at home, which was what they suggested be done, but I still felt a bit weird about
her washing my clothes without my permission. But then again, the clothes were warm and
fresh. I couldn't be too mad at a kind gesture from a kind woman.

When I saw Rihanna in the hallway, I wanted to jump into her arms. After all, she was the
reason I had ever experienced something like this. She was the bridge.

She was grinning evily when she saw me. I couldn't help laughing.

"Damn, so I missed your naked ass?" she said when I was in her face.

"You missed it. But I did it. Can you believe it? Boring Beyonce did it" I teased.

She nodded her head and tucked her bottom lip in.

"You did. I can't take that away from you. You definitely proved me wrong, girl".

"I proved myself wrong" I said.

"See you later Beyonce. Again, great job today" the man I had met earlier said as he exited.

"Thanks. I never caught your name" I said, trying to be nice.

"Oh it's Carson" he said, shaking my hand.

I felt a little uneasy when he shook my hand. This guy had seen me seen me. In a way no man
had ever seen me before. And now I was shaking his hand, outside of the classroom. That had
a different dynamic to it.

"Nice to meet you again Carson. And thanks for all your kind words".

He smiled, "Rih. Make sure this isn't Beyonces only time" he smirked.

"Trust me. I think Beyonce has opened up Pandoras Box. She wouldn't stop even if she
wanted to now" Rih smiled, looking directly at me.

**

I soaked in the water, completely overcome by the adrenaline rush of the day.
It was as if I had spent the entire day at an amusement park or in the pool, and now all I
wanted to do was eat and sleep. I was starving, but too tired to eat. I was even too tired to
sleep. I hadn't felt like going back to the empty dorm room at FAM, and I definitely didn't
want to shower in the community showers, so Rih had let me bathe at her crib. She said she
was proud of me and then I had taken a larger step into womanhood than I realized.

Her words were soothing, but not as soothing as the steaming hot water surrounding my
overexposed body. I replayed the events of the day in my head, over and over. But now, I
needed to relax my body and my mind. I needed to the days events marinate in my soul. I
hadn't yet absorbed what it all meant and I wouldn't for a while. It was all still one big blur.
One big naked blur. But the naked picture of me that the artist had given me was a reminder.
A reminder that this wasn't a dream. I had awaken.

My eyes had witnessed firsthand what power I held. A power that had been dormant my entire
life. A liberating strength that could push me past my biggest fears and drive me toward any
final destination. I was proud of myself. For once in life, I felt in control. I could choose my
own paths and there wasn't anything that anyone could do about it. This was more than about
posing for a class. I was wrong. The narration was not that cut and dry. The story wasn't that
simple. This was evolution, the science that my dad had fought so hard to keep me from
seeing. My femininity. My sexuality. My confidence. My body. My soul. All personified by a
life drawing class.

I swam in an ocean of emotions as I rested in the tub. Allowing my mind to stretch into vivid
recollections of my life up until this point. Life drawings. Life experiences. Like lines that
twist and turn and curve and eventually form a recognizable picture. Something worth
remembering. Something worth cherishing. Something worth calling priceless art.
I laid on RiRis sofa, just staring at the drawing, and eventually, much needed sleep overtook
me. It was only 4 in the afternoon, but I slept soundly for the next 14 hours. I needed the rest.
Even my dreams took the night off. The day in itself had already been a dream come true.

Chapter 14

Getting an apartment with Michelle was one of the greatest joys of my life. Accepting the
keys, signing the lease, moving in my belongings and understanding that this was mine. It
cemented the fact that I really was on my own and I could choose my own way. The place
was virtually bare, neither Michelle nor I really having much money to furnish it, but we
knew it would come with time. I opened up a savings account where I'd save for a car and
helping to decorate our place.

The first check from the figure drawing class felt great. But by itself it wouldn't have been
enough to actually pay for anything. I had to be diligent and determined to consistently get
booked for classes. Over the next month, I went with Rihanna every time she went to work,
and the artist and teacher got to know my face quick. I became aware of the numerous classes,
all based around life drawing or motion drawing, that were available at the academy or a few
miles away at a drawing group. I was immediately refereed and offered gigs ranging from 20$
to 35$ an hour.

Eventually I settled on doing three classes. One on Tuesday morning, one Thursday morning,
and one Thursday afternoon. Just two days a week I'd actually be working, and would still be
bringing home nearly $300 a week. Getting naked for the artist was still daunting, especially
the first time. But after completing the first class and knowing I could push forward, I found
myself looking forward to the new challenges.

I didn't just want to be there, I wanted to actually be good at what I was doing. I practiced my
posing and bought a book on classical poses, learning the proper techniques for each. I needed
to become more flexible to do the really good ones, so Rihanna and I started going doing
Yoga at the Gym which was discounted for us since we were already members.

I had never been a girl that wanted for money, growing up in home with stable income, but
living on my own taught me to be reliant on deals, discounts, coupons, and the resources
available to me. I could no longer afford the meal plan at the school, but Jarvis could, and he
brought me food whenever I called and guilt tripped him. I cut out coupons from Newspapers
and and ended up buying my school books used on amazon.com. I felt like I was being
productive and intelligent when it came to handling money, and this only gave me even more
confidence. I was becoming an adult.

Although Michelle and I were barely at home, we still decided we needed internet and cable,
and Rihanna's smirking ass knew just how to work that in our favor. Michelle was out writing
a story for the paper but she had called the Cable guy and I had to be there when he came to
install it. Rih came over to keep me company, and get me a discount.

"Rih. NO! I will not" I said, shaking my head.

"How do you think I get my cable, Bee? I have all of the channels. HBO. Showtime. Playboy.
And it's free" she shrugged.

"Yeah but...No...I can't do that".

"Can you stop saying what you can't do? By now, you should know it's what you won't do"
she argued.

"Well yeah. I won't do it" I said.

The doorbell rang and I saw Rih get a twinkle in her eye.

"Oh well. If you won't, I will" she said, snatching off her top and pulling down sweats.

I whispered loudly, "Rih NO! Put back on your clothes".

She laughed at this, and started making her way to the door. Wearing nothing but boyshorts,
topless, and grinning.

I ran after her, but it was too late. She had opened the door, as if this was her crib, and the
cable guy nearly choked when he saw her at the door.

"Oh....I'm...here for the cabel" he nervously said.

He was a young guy. College aged, I'd guess. Stocky, but not ugly either.

"Yes, come right in, Chad" Rih said, reading the guys nametag and sounding seductive.

All I could do was shake my head at this girl and her ways. Over the next 30 minutes, the guy
nervously started doing the installation, taking his sweet time, and finding reasons to keep
looking back and asking Rih a question, staring right at her pierced nipples. I don't think the
guy even noticed me. And this was my crib.

"How much extra is the HBO, stuff? And the highest speed internet?" she asked.

"Well" he looked at her breast and then at her face, "The..HBO package is an extra 15 a
month. The highest speed internet is an extra 20 a month".

Rih sighed, "I don't have that kind of money. Which is a shame, because I really do like
HBO".

She looked at Chad in his eyes as she said this. I could tell he was intimidated by her. What
sane person wouldn't be? She was crazy. But it was her craziness that was so adorably
irresistible.

"Well, I'm sure I could...give you a discount..or something" he smiled shyly.

"How much of a discount are we talking?" I asked.

Rih looked at me and gave me the eye. Ok damn girl, my bad. I guess I had to let her do the
work.

"Um. Well I can give you the HBO for free for 3 months and the high speed for 6 months".

Rih sighed as he talked, not even letting him finish.

"That's not a deal, Chad. How about" she smiled as she touched the ends of her boyshorts,
pealing them just slightly so that the space between her belly and her vagina were showing.

He swallowed hard.

"How about...we...take...everything....off" she seductively grinned, pulling down the

boyshorts even more.

"I...I" he said.

"Would that be too much to ask for?" she playfully said.

"Well...I could..I'm not suppose to".

Rih continued pulling down the shorts, almost to the point that her privates would be seen by
the guy but before he had that pleasure, she pulled them all the way back up and started going
for her shirt.

"Well never-mind then booboo. Do what your suppose to do.."

"So you want HBO and the high speed internet? Do you want anything else? Showtime?
Cinemax?" the eager guy said.

"I want it all" I barged in, seeing the offer right before me.

The guy didn't even pay attention to my words, he was still focused on Rih.

"Aww. That's sweet of you to offer that, Chad. Sure. We'd love for all of the channels. For
free. No charge at all" Rih demanded more than suggested.

"That would mean I'd have to cancel your order" he said.

"Exactly. We want it all...for free" Rih said, once again sounding seductive.

"Ok. Ok. Let me get this straight. You want me to give you free high speed, free cable, and all
of the channels? For nothing?" he asked.

"Well, you did offer it Chad" she responded.

"Yeah but I offered it...thinking..."

"Thinking what?"

"You know..."he shrugged.

"No. I don't know. What's on your mind, Chad?".

Gotddamn this girl was a pro. I was sure she could persuade Jesus to let her into heaven just
with her seductiveness. And with the way she was acting, she almost certainly would have to,
because she was earning a first class ticket straight to hell.

"...I wanna see you...all the way" he embarrassingly said.

Funny how Rih was the one naked, yet he was the one that was embarrassed. What power our
bodies could have over these people.

"Install everything. Cancel our order. And you have yourself a deal, ok?" she said.

The guy went to work. Bringing in cable boxes and working tirelessly to program and set
everything up. In another half an hour, he was done. We had every single channel imaginable,
wi-fi throughout the apartment and super high speed connections. To repay him, Rih simply
took off her shorts, grabbed the guys hand, and walked him to the door, smiling and thanking
him for his kind gesture.

"Hey. I know this might be kind of awkward. But hey. I guess all of this is. But do you mind
if I get your number? Maybe we can go out or something?" the guy asked before being
ushered out of the door.

"I'm sorry Chad. You're sweet and all. But I don't think my girlfriend over there would like
that. Right, Bee?" Rihanna asked.

I smiled, contained the laughter that wanted to consume me, and nodded my head.

"Oh...Oh" he said.

She opened the door, still nude, and whispered softly another thanks, closing the door, and
pretending to shoot her brains out with her hand.

"What a loser" she said as she walked back into the living room, grabbing the remote from me
and turning to Lifetime.

"You are a damn mess, Rihanna".

"Yeah and thanks to me, you have free everything. You owe me" she said, flopping her ass on
our sofa.

"Um. You think you can put your clothes on? I don't want Michelle coming home and seeing
your ass all naked on our furniture. Have her thinking ima dyke or something".

"Are you a dyke?" Rih asked.

"Uh. No" I shot.

"Then why you care what she think? It's your crib too. Are you bothered by my nudity?"

"No...I'm...I'm not. But she might be. It's her place too"

Rih smiled to herself, not her usual joking smile, but one that seemed sarcastic. Like she was
disappointed in something I had said. She got up, put on her clothes, gave me a hug and said
she was leaving.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To be naked in my own home" she smiled.

**

"Beyonce, YOU are the older sister. YOU should have been watching over her" my father
barked into the phone.

"I understand all of that daddy. And I said I was sorry. But you can't blame me for something
Solange did. She made the decision to have sex. Not me" I shot back.

"But who set up the trip to Miami, Beyonce? You keep making all of these excuses and trying
to put all of the blame on your sister. You share equal blame in this".

"Well what more do you want me to say? Jesus. I said I was sorry and I messed up. What
more do you want?"
"I want you to move home where you belong" he said.

"I'm not moving back home daddy. I'm not. I want to be here".

"You want to be disobedient and defiant" he scoffed.

"Daddy, I am not trying to be defiant. Why can't I just stay? You make it sound like I am the
worst daughter in the world".

"Beyonce, stop exaggerating. I'm acting like my daughter has lied to me, spent money
unwisely, took secret trips with her little sister who got pregnant and has proven she can't
handle being on her own" he said.

"You are punishing me because of Solange" I screamed.

"No I'm not. And even if I was, Solange wasn't doing this type of stuff until she went with you
on that trip that you set up. She straight changed after that".

I wanted to SCREAM at him because he was so ignorant. He didn't know ANYTHING about
his daughters. Solo had been f*cking for years behind his back. He was acting as if I had
corrupted her, when she had been the one on the verse of corrupting me. If only he knew all of
the things she had done, solo, behind his back. The sex, the weed, the sneaking out of the
house. I was the one staying on the right track. I was the one keeping on the straight and
narrow. And he was treating her like a perfect angel and me the devil that turned her into a
demon. As much as I wanted to fill him in on the details of his daughter, I knew I couldn't do
that to her. She was still living there and suffering. I couldn't out her. I couldn't cause her
situation to get worse. I would just have to endure his accusations. I would have to be the
cause of her pregnancy. I'd take the blame.

"Daddy. I make good grades, I'm not drinking and partying and having sex-".

"I find that hard to believe" he said.

I sighed. There was no way I could win this fight. No way.

"So daddy, are you going to give me back the credit card or not?" I asked, frustrated with the
conversation.

"No. I'm not. If you want to be grown. Then be grown. You went and got the apartment I told
you not to get. So you are responsible for it. You want to be a big girl, then handle it by
yourself, big girl. When you fall flat and can't handle the bills, pack your bags, apologize, and
I'll be ready to move you back where you belong" he said, before hanging up in my face.

Once again, this man had made me feel the lowest of lows. He didn't trust me, didn't believe
in me, and didn't even want me to make it without his help. He expected, even desired to see
me fail. That hurt. It really hurt. Regardless of his personal feelings, he was suppose to wish
me the best and love me because I was his child and I was following my heart. Instead, he told
me I would fail and hung up in my face.

Rihanna was coming to pick me up for one of my life drawing classes, but at this point, I
didn't even want to go. I was crying and my head hurt and I couldn't take any more emotions
than I already had flowing through me. When she came to the door after I had ignored her
phone calls and car honking, I let her in, still wearing my pajamas.

"Bee. What the hell are you doing? Why aren't you ready?"

"Rih. I'm not going" I said, walking into the living room, and curling back up in my blanket.

"Why? What's wrong?"

I told her the story, the entire story about Solo and I, and then the aftermath with my dad and
our latest fight. I was a daddies girl growing up. We never argued. But the past few months
had been filled with such arguments. I didn't know what to do to mend our relationship and
still stay here. I didn't know what to do anymore. I guess I expected Rihanna to help comfort
me and dry my tears. But I guess I should have learned a long time ago not to be so sure in
guessing her next move.

"Bee" she said, snatching the blankets from around me.

I reached back for them but caught a glimpse of her eyes. She was heated.

"Get your cry baby ass up".

"What?" I asked.

"Stop your crying and get up. All you do is cry and feel sorry for yourself. Well I'm not going
to pacify that shit. Get up. Wipe your damn face. And lets go. I don't even care if you ain't
brush your teeth or wipe your pussy. We're going".

"Rih. I'm not going. I don't want to go today" I said.

"Then we are not friends anymore" she shot, standing up and walking towards the door.

"What??? Not friends because I don't want to go to this damn class?"

She turned around.

"No Beyonce. Not friends because I refuse to sit and watch you do this every single time
something hard comes along. You are strong. I've seen it. I've witnessed it. But every single
time you take a step towards accepting your own strength, you take 50 steps back. You say all
the damn time how you want to be a woman and grow up and become strong like me-"

"But I can't be like you, Rih. You are strong. I'm weak" I sighed.

"Bullshit. You don't have to be like me, Beyonce. I hurt. I want to cry. I want to give up. But I
don't. Know why? Because I refuse to let other define me. This is something I thought you
were going to do, but I guess I was wrong. Your content being used like a damn puppet".

"You think I want to be like this, Rih? Damn. You think I like how I am?"

"You do like it. Because you're comfortable with it. And anything that your comfortable with,
you settle with. Sure you can take off your clothes a few times because of pure adrenaline.
But have you really let go of what is underneath that?"

"I'm trying. I. Am. TRYING" I sighed.

"Don't try. Do. Get your ass up. Wipe your tears. And let's go. From now on. Don't cry or try.
Do and don't apologize for it. I'll be waiting in the car. Clean yourself up" she said before
leaving.

I couldn't believe how angry she was at me. But for some reason, I agreed with it. I was angry
at myself, for allowing my daddy to get to me like that. I was angry because I knew that was
what he wanted my reaction to be. He knew me. He knew his daughter. He knew I would cry
and feel sorry for myself and rethink everything. And I did it. I couldn't even recognize he
was intentionally trying to break me. But Rih did. She saw it clear as day. She saw the naked
truth.

I quickly cleaned myself up in the bathroom, dressed, and met Rih in the car.

"Bee. Do you want to life model?"

"Yes" I softly replied.

"Because of the money? Just because of the money?"

"No. Not just for the money".

"Bee. I wouldn't have stopped being your friend, either way. I'm just impatient. I'm quick to
anger. I'm overly emotional. And i'm bleeding right now. I just get frustrated when I see you
regress. If you want to stop life modeling, that is fine. That doesn't define you. It doesn't
define me either. But don't stop doing it because your dad tried to shame you. Don't. You are
stronger than that".

"You really believe that?" I asked, eying her.

"The question is, do you believe it" she said before cranking up the car.

"Rih?" I asked after we had been driving for nearly an hour.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Never threaten to end our friendship ever again. That shows your lack of strength. And as
someone who looks up to you, I don't appreciate it. I dont take you as the type to try to guilt
me into feeling a certain way. But that is exactly what you did" I said.

She drove in silence for a few moments, not even acknowledging that she had heard my
comment. But I knew she heard me.

"Your right, Beyonce. I can't even say nothing. You're absolutely right" she eventually sighed.

"You seem shocked" I smiled.

"No. I just don't like to be wrong. But I guess when i'm wrong with you. It's not that bad".

"Was this our first argument?" I laughed.

"Yep. And our first make up. Now we can really say we're friends" she said, shaking her head.
"Best friends" I grinned.

She rolled her eyes, "That's that hallmark shit I hate".

"And? Deal with it, girl. I deal with your crazy ass so you can deal with my sentimental ass.
It's what we signed up for" I smiled.

"I didn't sign shit" she spat.

"I didn't sign shit" I mocked her.

She laughed.

"So are you gonna stay this time and watch me?" I asked.

"Nah. If I ever see you naked. It won't be for art" she grinned.

"Was...that..some Dyke shit?" I asked.

"Nah. It was some real shit" she smiled.

"Real ghay" I joked.

"Call it what you will" she said, turning up the radio.

What else should I have called it?

**

Having this new apartment meant even more freedoms than the dorms. I had my own room
again, and because of this I found myself walking around naked all the time. I started
watching porn more, which led to more experimenting with masturbation, and discovering
what I liked sexually. I also started staying up late more often.

One night I caught Mr. C online, and I IMed him. He tried to warn me of the imaginary
boundary bullshit, but I kept trucking right on past it. We ended up having an hour long chat,
mostly about school and stuff. But I noticed some of the comments started to become more
flirty. We both would use smileys a lot, and he'd hint around complimenting me on my looks.
I couldn't quite say for sure that we were technically flirting with each other, but it sure did
feel that way. Soon, we started chatting almost every night, talking many times into the late
morning.

I was so fascinated with him and I think he genuinely enjoyed talking to me. My nights didn't
see as complete unless I had a chat with Mr. Carter and told him about my day. He would
always act uninterested, but I knew he cared more than he let on. I wanted to tell my friends
about our late night chats, but I decided against it. There could have potentially been big
trouble if anyone were to find out.

When the Summer B semester ended, and I had once again ended it with straight A's,
Michelle and I decided to throw a small house warming get together. Michelle invited a few
of her school paper pals and I invited Kelly, her man, and Jarvis. It was fun, and funny since
all of them brought gift cards instead of house items. I guess no one wanted to buy anything
we wouldn't use. We ended up playing Spades and joking about how school had been so far,
mixing drinks into the process and someone saying we should add stripping in as well.

"We got the two biggest prudes on Campus here with Michelle and Beyonce. Ain't neither one
of them skrippin" Jarvis laughed.

"Oh we don't wanna talk about stripping" I evily eyed him/

He gave me the Oh Shit face and a defiant smile.

"Hey everybody. Did Beyonce ever tell you her movie story?" Jarvis laughed after had had
sipped on some wine.

I gave him the look from hell. Not even Kelly had heard the story.

He laughed, "I'm just joking with you mama" he said, hugging me, "but you had that one
coming".

"You don't love me, nigga" I pouted.

"Oh I don't? See if I make the trip over here to bring your unappreciative ass anymore food
then" he laughed.

"What story?" Kelly asked curiously.

"Nothing. Jarvis is being funny" I insisted.

She looked at me and shrugged, "I guess we don't tell each other every story no mo".

I could feel the tension between Kelly and I. I couldn't pinpoint why it was so strong, but we
seemed to always be making smart comments back and forth to each other. This get together
had only confirmed to me what I had thought. Our friendship was slipping. Kelly had always
been my best friend, the one person in life I trusted with 100% confidence. And it just didn't
seem like any of it mattered at this point. I didn't know what was going on in her life and she
didn't know what was going on in mine.

"Kelly, can I talk to you outside?" I asked.

She patted her man on the knee and we went outside.

"Wassup, girl?" she asked, upbeat.

"I heard what you said in there" I stated, simply.

"I was just joking with you, Bee" she grinned.

"No Kel. You were right. What has happened to us?"

"Nothing has happened to us, Bee. Life just has come in the way for a season. Don't worry
about it, we'll get back to how things use to be" she said confidently.

"Kel. I love you, you know that right?"

"I love you, Bee. And I know you know that" she laughed.
"How is your boy treating you? Quenton?" I asked.

"Girl. He is amazing. Like, easily the best boyfriend I have ever had. He's really help me
adjust to being here."

"I was suppose to help you adjust" I said, pouting.

"And you still can, chick. We just have to make time for each other. I'll just have to tell him to
go out with his boys and me and you can have some girls night out. You know I miss having
my bestie around all the time".

"Girls night out sounds great. I'll bring Michelle too".

"Cool. Oh and give me your sisters cell phone. I forgot to get it from you. I wanted to call her
and talk about her pregnancy and everything. But I ain't have her cell, just the house number.
And uncle Matt been kinda tripping lately so I don't even wanna call the house".

"He took away her cell" I sighed.

"What? Are you kidding?"

"Nope. He has her locked up like a prisoner, or something. I'm afraid to even know what's
going on at that house."

"Got-damn. See I didn't even know how bad it was. Solo is like a lil sis to me, so I gotta get
up with her".

"Yeah. Getting up with her now means getting past my daddy. He is like a Nazi now. I think
it's because he is afraid of her leaving home like I did. He wants me to come back".

"I mean I can understand why he would want you back. But that man has to let you go. You
and Solo. Shit, you're about to me 18 in what...12 days?"

"Yep. Finally" I laughed.

"You know we're going out right?!" she smiled.

"Hey. That is if none of these niggas that's been waiting for my bday ask me out" I joked.

"Shit I forgot all about that. I remember how Tip set their asses straight. So are you ready for
all them to start jocking?" she asked.

"...Honestly, I don't even know. I'm kind of nervous".

"I bet. It's like once you are denied something for so long it only makes you want it even
more. I know them boys have the 4th circled on their Calender. But I have a feeling the only
one who you are gonna give them draws to is Tip" she pressed.

I laughed.

"If only you knew".

"If only I knew what, girl? You better tell me" she barked.

Quenton came to the door and looked outside.

"Babe, you coming back in?" he asked.

"I'm rapping with my girl, Quenton. I'll be in, in a bit.."

"What's a bit?"

"I dont know. Shit. When we catch up. It's been too long" Kelly grinned.

He laughed, "Aight then. Ima check up on yall if it takes too long" he said, before closing the
door.

I shook my head.

"Uhmm".

"Uhmm what?" she asked.

"Seems like he needs extra attention. You can't even leave for 5 minutes and he looking for
you" I teased, but meaning it.

"Oh child boo. He's just nosey. Don't worry about that. I want to hear about what you were
going to tell me".

I giggled, thinking how to even begin.

"Well. Kelly, I still like Tip. We talk every now and then. He's good people. But...I
kinda...been feeling someone else" I said.

"Someone like who? Have I met him? Is it the white boy on your facebook page?"

I laughed, "Who Chris? Nah, it ain't him. He is my teddy bear. He's adoerable but I don't like
him like that. I don't even think he likes black girls. He's just a homie. He's good people too".

"Then who are you talmbout?"

"Guess" I smiled.

"Bee, I don't know who all you talk to. It bet not be Jarvis" she spat.

I bust out laughing, "Oh. No. No. No".

"Shit. I hope not. Don't be messing with them ghay boys. Nah. They like to get it in the booty"
she said, shaking her head.

"Keep guessing" I smiled.

"Bee. Tell me. I don't know. Is it that girl you been hanging with? The girl Michelle says you
are always with?"
"Who? Rih Rih?"

"Oh shit. You got pet names for her and shit. Beyonce Knowles let me find out your Jesus
Loving ass likes girls now."

"Kelly please" I chuckled, "Rihanna is my homegirl. You suck at guessing".

She shrugged, "I give up. Just tell me."

"Kelly. Like always, this is between me and you right?"

"Of course girl. You don't even have to ask".

"Remember the teacher I was telling you about? The one that gave me a C minus?"

"Hm. Yeah. I remember him. That was the conversation when your ass said I was dumb".

"Kelly, I didn't--"

"I'm joking with you girl. I know who you are talking about. The cosby sweater guy. Mr. C or
D or E or whatever. What about him?"

I shrugged my shoulders and looked towards the window and door, making sure no one could
be listening in. I was finally happy to be able to release my feelings to someone. Someone that
I felt comfortable telling.

"...Him" I said.

Kelly's mouth dropped which followed intense laughter. She had to cover her mouth and hop
around to compose herself.

"Him WHAT?"

"Him as in he is who I have been feeling" I said, unsure of how she'd react.

"Feeling in WHAT way?"

"Kelly. You know. I...I like him".

"You....Scallywag" she laughed.

"Nothing has happened, though" I added.

"So wait. Is this just a little crush on a teacher. Or, is this mutual like?" she asked, trying to
put it in perspective.

"Kelly, honestly. I think he likes me too. We talk on IM like every night. In fact, I'm pose to
meet him online in a little bit. It's become consistent. I just don't think I'm making it up in my
head".

"Damn. Are you serious? How old is he?"

"32. Turns 33 in December".

"Damn Bee. He is old. Don't he know you 17?"

"Yeah he does. But, it's not like he has tried anything with me. We just talk..."

"Talk huh? So is he one of the million other niggas that's waiting for the 4th so he can pounce
on that ass?"

"Kelly I don't think he wants to pounce on anything".

"Listen to your naive ass. If a guy likes you, he wants to sleep with you. That's ABC, 123,
easy".

"Kelly, I honestly don't think so. I think his intentions are honest and everything. It's hard to
explain".

"Kinda like how it was hard for me to explain Quenton?"

I chuckled, "I guess so".

"Don't guess, Bee. I could tell you didn't like Q. Lied, talking about he seems nice. You have
never once uttered that phrase when talking about someone I was dating".

"I didn't know what to think about him, Kel. But I did want to give you the benefit of the
doubt".

"Which is exactly what I am going to do with you. I don't know this man you all of a sudden
call yourself liking. I can only go by what you say. And while I think your teacher having late
night chats with you is kinda creepy, I'm not going to judge it. Just tell you to be careful, and
fill me in on all of the details, as they become available" she grinned.

I laughed, "I don't actually see it going anywhere, Kelly. But I'm just saying I have caught
feelings for him. I don't know if I can feel the same way about Tip or the other guys".

"I feel you. The heart is funny like that. Can't control who you feel something for. But I am
here for you every step of the way, aight?"

"Aight".

"So let me get back to this man before he comes looking for me" she said.

"Kel?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"If you should ever find someone new. I know he better be good to you. Cuz if he doesn't" I
sang.

She was cracking up, "You better be there, chick".

"Kelly. Before we go in. Did you REALLY call me a scallywag?"

"Would ho have been better?" she asked.

"Nope. Nerd" I laughed.

"Well having fantasies about effin your teacher ain't really nerdy. It's this one brotha at my
school and...and well we'll keep that on the low low" she grinned.

For once. It felt like old times with Kelly.

**

I didn't feel any different. The morning felt like just another morning. It was the day after
labor day, and I had a life drawing class, nothing out of the ordinary. But today would be the
official day that people would treat me differently. I was 18. A sophomore in my 5th semester
of classes. Legal. Legit. An adult. A woman.

I woke up to pancakes with a candle in it, via Michelle who was up bright and early. When I
came in the kitchen, she was started teasing me by singing a happy birthday song, knowing
that I hated to be wished a happy birthday with that goofy song.

"Shell, dont!" I laughed when I saw it coming.

"Haaaaapeeeee" she started, grinning.

I put my face in my hands and sighed. Here it comes. Yay me.

"Happy birthday....to Bee...you...are now 18" she started.

I let my hands fall and checked her out after. Had this girl really changed the words?

"You goooooot us freeeeee cable....and free internet with highspeed" she sang, laughing right
afterwards.

I just shook my head and laughed. Of all my friends, she was the least crazy, but her ass could
be crazy too.

"Shell, how long did it take you to come up with that?" I asked, even toned.

"Don't worry bout all that, girl. Eat your pancake. Blow out your candle. Happy birthday".

Rihanna showed up with a card and envelope around half an hour later, ready to take me to
my class. When I walked outside, I noticed a SUV in the damn parking lot.

"When did you get this?" I gasped.

"Few days ago" she grinned.

"Got dam girl. You sure your tiny ass can even drive this thing?

"My tiny ass is use to handling big things" she said, hand on hip.

"Rih. Sometimes I think you just want to shatter every single stereotype there is for a petite
girl".
"What makes you say that? The casual sex, tattoos, potty mouth, farting, or this Chevy
Suburban?" she grinned.

"ALL OF IT" I screamed.

"I try" she smiled, hopping into that big ass black SUV and motioning for me to get in.

I looked back at my apartment, where Michelle was peaking out the window. I shook my head
at her and made a signal for her to pray for me. I hoped to God Rih would be able to handle
this monster of a vehicle.

"How was you even able to afford this, Rih? It looks kinda new" I asked.

"Been saving up. You want my old car? I'll sell it to you. Then I won't have to take your ass to
work every" she said.

"I would buy it Rih, but I don't have any extra money right now. I honestly dont even see how
you have enough extra money to save" I stated.

She laughed, "Well, I do some other shit too".

I side eyed her, "Other stuff like WHAT?"

"Don't look at me like that Bee. I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. But I do personal
modeling for some of the artist in the class. They pay extra for me to come to their studio and
do the same thing I do at the class".

"How much extra?"

"Well they are flexible. Sometimes its a rate or just a flat fee. I can choose, depending on
what they want".

"And you go over there by yourself?"

"Yeah. I have. Trust me girl, I take precautions. But most of the time, its an older couple or
someone that wants the extra practice or an established artist just looking for a fresh body. I
get referred a lot".

I sat and listened. How deep down the rabbit hole did this shit go? And how much money
could you really make from doing this, without doing anything sexual? I wondered
sometimes, could this really all be as innocent as it seemed? Did anyone ever use the art angle
just to get some pussy?

"I don't know about that Rih. And you're sure you have never did anything sexual?" I asked.

She looked at me and frowned. Then twisted her face and sucked her teeth.

"Bee. I may be a lot of things. You can go down the list. But I'm not a prostitute. I have never
once had sex for money. My mother did. I never have. If you haven't been able to tell yet, I
don't want to be like her or him. I love my body. I'm comfortable with my sexuality. But I
would not lower myself past the standards I do have. And yes, I have standards" she spat.

"I'm not saying you are a prostitute, Rih".

"Ok. And I was shooting that shit down before it ever came out of your mouth. I'd go to my
dad for money before I considered f*cking someone I didn't want to f*ck for some money.
That should tell you how much I hate prostitution".

"I hear you. My dad would say what we did was already prostitution. Selling our body for
money" I said.

"Well your dad is a damn dumbass. No offense. He's a dumbass that raised a smartass
daughter".

"No offense taken. I'm really started to get comfortable with the modeling thing" I said.

"Oh I know you are. Tiff was just telling me how you are a natural".

"Natural at taking off my clothes, or modeling?" I laughed.

"I'll let you decide that one" she joked.

"Rih. You missed the turn. Where are you going?" I asked, realizing she had passed the exit.

"Open your damn card".

I looked at my birthday card and opened it. I laughed my ass off upon seeing the card.

"Just rub it in why don't you. I'm getting drawn naked on my birthday" I smiled.

"No you're not. Does it look like we're going that way?"
"Well where are we going, Rih? They are expecting me".

"I talked to Tiff. She gave you the day off. I'm taking you to the spa. We're about to get
pampered" she said.

"Spa? Pampered? No work?" I laughed.

"Yep. Full body massages. Sweat room. Facials. Just like sex, except no semen" she smiled.

And I spent the early morning and early afternoon with Rih at one of the best Spas in Florida,
and boy did I get pampered. I felt like one of those rich celebrities that had everything
available to them, including a team of people making sure every desire they had was met from
drinks to finger foods to lotions and ointments and skin creams. When I saw Rihanna off to
the side, with some cute ass hispanic guy massaging her, I thought that she probably did this
just as much for her as she did for me. Just like her to use this as an excuse to get rubbed
down by some guy. I laughed to myself, and felt the hands of the guy massaging me tighten.

"Am I tickling you?" he asked sensually.

"Uh Uh" I said shyly, closing my eyes and letting him work his magic.

Rih eventually removed her towel, and the guy gave her a real full body massage, including
her butt and back thighs. It looked wonderful. I was a bit more comfortable with my body,
and well? It was my birthday so why not? My towel came off, and the guys hands came on.
Turning 18 was so damn awesome.

**

The rest of the day was filled with all kinds of phone calls, text messages, and facebook
comments from people around the school. It was as if this day meant something school-wide.
By the end of the day, I had over 80 comments from people, some that had just facebook
friended me that day. A lot of guys and a lot of winks in their comments. It was too cute.
Jarvis slid through, kissed me on the cheek, and promised he'd get me a gift when he had
some extra funds, but I turned it down. His friendship was enough for me.

By the end of the day, I got a call from Solo, and hearing her sad ass made me so glad I was
away from home. She wished me a happy birthday, but sounded so dead. I tried to lighten up
the mood by telling her about my day, including the full body massage, but she said she had
to go. That put a damper on my night.

I checked my facebook one more time and noticed I had a message from a girl I had only seen
around campus. I had never even spoken to her. She was a senior, if I remembered correctly.

Subject: Happy Birthday

Message:
Hey Beyonce. I'm throwing a party this Friday and since you are now the most talked about
girl in the Sophomore class, you are most definitely invited. This is exclusive invite only (No
Wiz, lol), so don't drag any friends, but you can bring your roommate Michelle since you two
live together.

The directions to the place, party info, as well as your official invite is included below.
P.S. Be Cute. Every guy there will be checking for you.

My heart jumped for joy as I read the message five or six times before it finally sank in. Was I
really the most talked about sophomore on campus? I hadn't been to school yet since turning
18 and I could already tell things would be different. My new found popularity, thanks largely
in part to Tip telling everyone I was off limits, along with my newfound confidence thanks to
Rih, was going to take this campus by storm. I told Michelle, and we both made it our
business to visit the Mall the next day, checking out outfit after outfit. We even dipped into
our rent money so that we'd be looking like the baddest chicks there.

Michelle never was one to party a lot, but I think she was starting to feel left out, especially
with me starting to get more friends and popularity. As silly as it sounded, I think she felt she
had to keep up or she would risk losing me as a friend. I had been so aware of this issue, that
I'd invite Michelle along everywhere I went when it was with Kelly or Jarvis. But she was so
Christian-like, that I think she took issue with the fact that Jarvis was a homosexual. I had to
check her one time because she called him a fag. If she was that way with a sweetie like him,
then I sure she'd have a field day with Rihanna. I decided then that as much as I wished it
would happen, all of my friends wouldn't befriend each other. Rih wouldn't mix with Michelle
and Jarvis would barely mix with her. The best I could do, was Kelly, Michelle, and I on girls
nights out.

But this night, there would be no Kelly. It would be just me and Michelle, going out at night
for the first time since last summer. We got did up, got our hair did, and stepped out of our
apartments wearing our rent money. I figured I'd worry about next months rent when that time
came. Right now, I was all concerned about making this party a success, and really
introducing myself to FAM the right way. The rest of my college years depended on it, as far
as I was concerned. Would I simply be the nerdy girl that was humiliated by Tip or would I
become something special, someone that would be remembered as a diva? I so wanted it to be
the last one.

Jarvis picked us up and we made the 20 minute drive to the place where the party was being
held. Nice neighborhood, with a ton of room for parking. I could tell this place was going to
be packed.

"Even some of the Florida State players are at this party" Jarvis said.

"Any specific quarterback that you use to know?" I asked him.

He looked, and sighed, "I think so".

He had told me that the guy he talked about in HS had went to FSU. I wondered if they would
run into each other and what it would mean. Jarvis was such a confident and brash guy, but
this boy could break him down to a nervous, mumbling fool. I wish someone had that kind of
power over me. I was sure it was humbling, but I was also sure it was delicious. I wanted to
know what it was like to be totally sprung.
We got there slightly late, a little past 11, trying to make one of those "now the party can get
going" entrances. I was nervous, almost as nervous as I was right before I dropped my robe to
let strangers see me naked. But I had overcome that. I knew I would overcome this. In fact, I
looked forward to it. I looked forward to being able to wield the power I now knew I had. I
was beautiful, I knew this. I was confident, I knew this. And now, I wouldn't have to adhere to
any rules that tried to keep my beauty and confidence in check. I was my own woman now.
And it was time for announce that to the entire universe, or for the moment, these exclusive
college students.

The party was already going on outside as dozens of dressed to the T chicks and dudes stood
outside, taking pictures, laughing, all with a cup in their hand. When I stepped out of the car
and made my way up the grass, I knew that every eye was on me. It was how I envisioned
college parties being. It was what I wanted. Their eyes, all on me. I worked it just by walking,
adding a slight twist and giving just a small hint of a grin to let the niggas know I looked good
and the females know I looked better than them. I didn't know what it was, but I really did
feel and wanted to feel like the baddest chick ever.

Stepping to the front door only added to my self indulgence. There was an actual bouncer
there, I guess to truly keep the thing exclusive. I showed him the invite, he smiled and moved
past, letting Michelle and Jarvis past when the showed their invites.

The music was loud like it should have been for my arrival, and eyes from all over turned
when we entered. A few people started pointing and someone whispered something to the DJ
who was in the corner with his headphones halfway on his head. He nodded his head and then
peeped me.

"Awww shit. Guess who just entered fellas? She's been off limits for a year but Miss Beyonce
just had a birthday this week and she just walked her fine ass in. Watch you men, ladies" the
DJ laughed into the microphone.

Damn what an introduction. I didn't know how to take it except straight to the head. It was
like drinking liquor with no chaser. I was intoxicated on my own self importance. It was
crazy. I was more popular after being out of the limelight for a year than I was when I was
actually trying to become popular. Sure, people saw me around because I was active on
campus. I was in NAACP faithfully and took interest in government, but my facebook page
had blown up in just a week and everyone was treating me like some sort of A-list school
celebrity.

"Hi Beyonce. I am so glad you made it" the host of the party said, dressed in a halter top with
matching capirs.

"Thanks for inviting me" I smiled.

She smiled at Michelle but didn't say anything and then waved at Jarvis.
"Well you guys have fun. Drinks are plentiful. Four kegs" she laughed before winking and
walking off.

"She's running for government later on. That's why she's throwing this party" Jarvis whispered
in my ear.

"She greek?" Michelle asked.

"Nah. And that's why she won't win. Party or not" he said.

I didn't really care about all that. I was here to be seen. I was here to be announced to the
world. And as I looked around, I noticed so many different stares. Some were curious eyes.
Some were lustful eyes. Some were hating eyes. Some were rolling eyes. It didn't take long
for me to locate Nicki, who sported the rolling eyes.

"There go your hating ass friend" I whispered to Jarvis.

He laughed, "Yeah, there go that ho. NICKI! Get over here" he waved.

"Why you bringing her ova here" I barked.

"Cuz yall hos need to kiss and make up" he quickly said, waving her over.

Nicki gave a look to the other chicks she was standing by and walked her cute ass over. I had
to admit, she was looking extra cute tonight, easily standing out next to the other sorority
chicks.
Her cleavage gave the impression that her breast were perky and that smile that never left kept
her looking like a cartoon character. I hated it. But I think I hated it so much because she
pulled it off so well. She walked over, smiled at me, blinked her eyes, and then spoke to her
friend.

"Hi Jarvis, Boo. What's going on?".

"Don't hi me, ho. Why you hating on Bee? I can't have both yall hos over here cat fighting" he
said.

"I have no beef with Beyonce, at all" she said, turning her attention towards me, "Do you have
an issue with me, sweetheart?" she smiled.

I had, had enough of her fake friendliness.

"First off. I'm not your sweetheart. Second, you are the one that has been rolling your eyes
and making slick comments. You've been hating from the beginning" I smiled.

"Hating, babygirl? What is there to hate on?" she grinned.

"Maybe the fact that I could have your ex if I wanted to" I smiled.

I saw her demeanor change for a split second. I knew THAT had done some damage and it
gave me a lot of satisfaction. The gloves were off when it came to her. I didn't like this b*tch.

"Aight yall, no low blows here no low blows" Jarvis tried to intervene.

Michelle looked scared. Like she wanted to say something but was too fearful of what to say.
So she watched without a word.

"No Jarvis, I can handle this. I'm a woman. A lady" Nicki began, "but your little friend here.
She's a little girl. A little girl trying to become a lady. Wearing Forever 21 knockoffs and
bragging about her open legs. Obviously, turning 18 didn't make her a classy lady" she smiled
at me and tilted her head.

I opened my mouth to stay something and she put her hand up, "Stay classy, sweetness".

"Know what. You're not even worth it. Have fun with your friend, Jarvis. Come on Shell" I
said, making my way past the smiling Nicki who seemed to enjoy making me leave the area I
was in. Was this girl serious?

I walked and balled up my first. I hadn't even been here 10 minutes and I was ready to leave.
Either leave or knock her the hell out. Wipe that stupid smirk off her face.

"WHAT is wrong with that child? Is she slow or something?" Michelle asked.

"No. Not slow. Just a b*tch" I said under my breath.

"Bee. Was that over Tip or something?" she asked.

"I don't even know, Shell. I just think she has emotional problems".

"Speaking of the devil" Michelle said, pointing towards the door.

Tip and Smurf had walked in and immediately all the dudes tried to give them a pound. It was
funny how they showed up right after we did.

"Tip and Smurf are in da mutha-f*cking hooouse" the DJ screamed, causing anybody who
hadn't noticed already to call their names and do some other ghetto applause.

I wanted to go over and speak to him. He the man in this place. He was the man everywhere
on campus. And I loved the fact that he had an interest in me. As hard as he portrayed himself
to be at parties and such, he was such a sweetheart with me. Kind, gentle, soft spoken. I
wondered if he was here for business, supplying the place with their fix of drugs, or if he was
here for pleasure. Deep down, I hoped he was here for me.

I decided not to make my presence known. I didn't want to seem desperate for his attention.
He had wished me a happy birthday through text message. Didn't even call me. That hurt. I
wondered why. Had he lost interest in dating me? Had he moved on or found someone else? I
didn't know, but I didn't want to press for answers either. He would have to find me.

He didn't have the opportunity to as the first brave male since I had turned 18 stepped to me.

"Sup beautiful. Happy belated" he smiled.

I smiled back.

"You wanna dance?" he asked.

I peaked over and saw that Tip was talking with some other guys. Damn, I wanted him to
notice me. I wanted him to see me and move every other guy out of the way so he could talk
to me. I decided that the best way to do that would be to make him jealous. This guy was cute
enough, I figured.

"Sure" I said, looking at Michelle and then back at the random guy.

Buy U A Drank, the new song by T-Pain kicked into the speakers, the snaps causing everyone
on the floor to immediately start going crazy. T-Pain was like a legend around these parts
since he was from Tally and everything, and when his jams played, everyone danced. Me and
the guy started off slow, vibing to the beat and grinning at each other. I noticed for the first
time what he looked like. Medium height, almost shorter than me because of my heels, but a
strong upper body and a full beard. His mahogany skin was flawless and piqued my interest as
we rocked and I scanned his face.

By the time the hook came in, he had moved into me and slid his hands down to my lower
back. I figured this was a good move and would definitely make Tip jealous. I decided to turn
around so I could see, and let the guy grind his pelvis into my ass. I scanned the room really
quick, not to make it so obvious and Tip was still talking to the guy, totally ignoring me.

I decided to step it up a notch, turning back around and moving closer. The guy liked this, I
could tell, because his smile vanished and lust took over. I was nearly touching his lips with
mine and could all but taste his minty breath. Altoids I figured. I reached for his hands and
moved them down where they were suppose to be. Right on my ass, for all to see. Only one
song in, and I was getting freaky. I heard a few whistles and could feel myself become the
center of the dance floor. But all I really wanted was to be the center of Tip's attention.

"You smell good" the guy whispered into my ear after leaning in.

When Young Jocs part came up, I stepped back a bit and moved my skirt down, as I could
feel it sliding up the more I danced. I rocked a bit, not wanting to dance to slutty for the guy,
and when the walk it out part came on me and the guy both leaned with it and rocked with it. I
laughed as did most everyone else on the floor, since that part was the fun part of the song.
After doing it a few times I took the time to quickly scan the room, and to my surprise, Tip
was nowhere in sight. He left. Nowhere to be found.
The song ended and the guy was talking to me, but I was still looking around the room.
Where had he gone?

"You heard me?" he asked.

"What?!" I asked annoyed.

"Woah, baby. I was just asking if you were single or not" he said, softly.

"Oh. Sorry. Yeah. I am" I said, half interested.

"Well, you think I could get your number? Or something?" he pressed.

I could already tell he was weak. Who asked? Tip wouldn't ask. Tip would demand. This guy
wasn't Tip. I wasn't interested.

"Sorry, but no thanks. Thanks for the dance though" I smiled.

The guy embarrassingly looked around and tried to ease away. He didn't know he was only a
puppet. More guys followed in line, looking to take his place as my dance partner, but they all
were rejected. I sat with Michelle who was being her usual wall flower self, and drank a
canned soda. I couldn't find that boy anywhere. And with him not being anywhere to see me, I
didn't even want to talk to the other guys.

"Girl, why you ain't dancing no more?" Michelle asked.

"Why you ain't dancing?" I asked her.

She laughed, "You know this isn't really my scene, Bee. I watch. And 2 step when a song I
like comes on".

"Like what? Kirk Franklin" I teased.

"Oooh Yeah. You think the DJ has that?" she smiled.

And that was when I spotted him. And I spotted her. Tip and Nicki were coming from
upstairs, him following behind her as she lightly held his finger tips. I couldn't believe it. He
had been up there WITH HER? What had they been doing? Could they have been? No. Not
that quick. Damn. But what if he had? And to believe I had wasted my time trying to get his
attention.

He was falling right into that tramps spell.

Jarvis came out of nowhere and wrapped his arms around me.

"Damn, Jarvis. The hell?" I barked at him.

He looked shocked and then smiled wearily, "The f*ck wrong with you?"

I sighed, still looking at Tip and Nicki standing by each other, "Nothing".

He saw what I was looking at and then chuckled, "Oh. That".

"Grr. God I hate that girl" I said aloud, on accident.

"And she loves that boy. Since HS she been trying to get the dude back".

"If he don't like her no more, why is he even paying her any attention?" I asked, wanting to
pin my hopes on something.

"Even if he don't like her, that don't mean he wont f*ck her or let her suck his dick" Jarvis
said.

"Ugh. You think that's what she did?" I asked.

"Oh she has. Plenty of times. She is just so dumb to realize it doesn't make him want her".

"I thought you said she was smart" I asked sarcastically.

"She is booksmart. Even more book smart than your ass" he laughed, "But when it comes to
love. Everyone becomes dumb".

Whatever, I thought. She was a dumb broad. And Tip was dumb if he would choose her over
me. He said when I turned 18 he would be all over it. So why had I turned 18 and he wasn't
even looking at me? Something had to give.

"Jarvis, get me some beer" I told him, not asked.

"You better say please or something" he grilled me.

"Please" I said, still mad, still staring them down.

I watched from the corner as they danced, she shaking her ass all on him, and him rubbing his
hands all over her body, from her breast to her crotch. F*ck that, I thought. He wanted to play
it rough. I could too. I downed my beer quick. And grabbed some niggga from the corner,
ready to destroy his scrawny ass.

Song after song I danced, the DJ making tons of comments, one of them causing Tip and I to
make eye contact. He didn't smile. I didn't smile. We stared each other down, as if we didn't
know if we were friend or foe. Something about it turned me on.

When I needed a rest, I walked over towards the corner where Jarvis and Michelle was
dancing. I figured he got tired of seeing her do nothing so he made her ass get up and dance.
That was one thing about him I loved. He would get annoyed at wall flowers. Especially if
they were in his crew. When they finished, he pulled my ass up.

"Jarvis, I am tired. I need a rest" I exhaled.

"Nope. Get up. Shake that ass" he laughed, pulling me up.

I couldn't refuse it. We danced until I was laughing and had briefly forgot about trying to
make Tip jealous. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and sure enough, it was him.

"16. Wassup, Shawty" he smiled, coyly.

"Not 16 anymore" I said at him with slight attitude.

"That's who you are to me" he replied.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. I wanted him to know that I was mad at him.

"Is that pose to be your mad look? Your jealous look? Or your furious look" he asked, chin
raised.

"It's my why haven't you said anything to me all night look" I said, still with a stank attitude.

"You were too busy dancing on some nigga. This was the first time I saw you dancing with
someone who wasn't trying to f*ck you tonight" he said, eyeing Jarvis.

"Oh? So you scared now? That never stopped you before" I spat.

"Look Shawty. I gave you your space so you didn't feel obligated or tied down. You're free to
do whatever it is you want to do" he said.

"Did it occur to you that I only wanted to dance with you?"

"Before or after that dude was rubbing on your ass?"

Jarvis stepped in, "You did see that I was dancing with her, right?".

Tip smiled at him, then turned to me, "Well I am dancing with her, now".

He leaned in to me, brought me close to him, and instinctively I started rocking to the music,
Kanye West's Flashing Lights filling the speakers. The DJ dimmed the lights on the dance
floor, which gave the entire place a new atmosphere. It felt right, as I looked at Jarvis and told
him I loved him, before fully giving my attention to the man of the hour. I looked in his eyes,
and the lyrics spoke to me. As if they were Tips thoughts.

I know it's been a while,

Sweetheart, we hardly talk,I was doing my thing
I know I was foul bay-bay,
lately you been all on my brain,
And if somebody would've told me a month ago
Fronting though, yo I wouldn't wanna know
If somebody would've told me a year ago

I felt in tune with Tip, not even noticing his hands were all over my booty. He didn't move
much, but he had enough rhythm to where it could be considered dancing. I didn't care
though, I took up the slack by moving my body against his and making sure he got a preview
of what he could have. My attention was all on him, until I accidentally saw Nicki with those
other b*tches, looking my way and hating hard.
I was tired of it. I was tired of the neverending hate. And I was going to do something about
it, right now. I was going to cement this and give them something to hate me for. I grabbed
Tip's face, looked into his dark brown eyes, and our lips connected in what was my first kiss
since I had been in college. And it wasn't just a peck. I slid my tongue in his mouth and he
rubbed my ass, and I closed my eyes, as the final beats of the instrumental faded out and the
lights cut back on.

We were met with a round of applause.

"Gooooooooot Deoaaaaaam" the DJ said over the speakers.

I looked around, caught off guard that everyone, not just Nicki and her crew, were watching.
Michelle looked shocked, but she had a grin on her face. Jarvis didn't seem to have much of
an expression at all. I turned back towards Tip who was still looking at me. He leaned back in
and I pecked his lips, soft and lush.

"Looks like Tip has won fellas. And know what? The way all yall is checking them out. They
might be the baddest couple in the damn school" The DJ spoke, loud and clear.

Couple. That word was something that caught me off guard. The Dj cut to the next record and
after a few moments of people wondering what Tip and I would do next, they went back to
their regular routine. I looked and saw Nicki. She was no longer smiling. No longer hating.
No longer looking like a plastic barbie. She looked hurt. Shamed. Scorned. And I loved it.

"Shawty, I gotta put in a little work. Could I meet you back out here in a few?" he asked me.
I nodded my head, "I think ima go outside and get some fresh air".

He nodded and bounced. I grabbed both Jarvis and Michelle by the hands and we went
outside.

"On the dance floor though, Bee?" Jarvis grinned.

I was sort of embarrassed. I laughed it off.

"I can't believe it either. Definitely not the church girl that came here last summer" Michelle
grinned.

"Was it that bad?" I asked.

"Yall practically ate each others faces. Right after f*cking on the dance floor. Mines well just
go give him the pussy now" Jarvis said, shaking his head.

All three of us went over by a tree, drink, and relaxed. I was getting a buzz. Wondering how
my life would be different after tonguing down Tip in front of everyone like that. I wondered
what it would mean in regards to Nicki. I wondered if it would get around the school. Shit. I
wondered it Mr. Carter would find out about it. He said he had sources. That was the one
person I wouldn't want to know. I'd rather my dad know than him.

Tip made his way out of the crib with Smurf and some girl on Smurgs arm. They approached
us grinning, and lazy eyes.

"Bee, you wanna ride? We bout to go to Dennys" Smurf asked.

I looked at the two friends I had came with. I could tell they didn't approve.

"Ride with me Shawty. I'll have you home by a decent hour" Tip smiled.

I looked back at my friends.

"Bee. If you want to go with them. I can take Shell home and everything" Jarvis said.

"Well why can't yaw go too? Jarvis? Shell" I asked.

Both of them were shaking their heads, as was Smurf. I see. This invite was only for me and
everyone could tell except me.

"Bee, go and have fun. I'll see you later, ok girl?" Michelle said, trying to make it seem as if
she was ok with it.

"Come on Shawty" Tip smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist and tugging me.

"Ok. I will call you when I'm on my way, ok Shell?" I said.

"Sure. I might be sleep though. But call me" she replied.

"I won't be late. I promise. And Jarvis, thanks again" I said, as I was being led away.

"Why you be hanging with that clown?" Tip whispered as we walked.

"Who, Jarvis? He's cool. That's my boy" I said.

"He's a clown" he said to me under his breath.

I was nervous and sorry that I was leaving my friends. But I had to admit, I desired to spend
some more time with the dangerous and mysterious man known as Tip.

Chapter 15
We rode through the nite, tipsy, no seat belts, loud music blasting. I rode in the front with Tip
as Smurf and the other girl rode in the back. I could tell she was high off something, but I
didn't know what. I didn't know much about drugs. Tip was hitting a blunt, undressing me
with his eyes when he glanced over. It turned me on, I couldn't lie. The fact that he was
halfway legit, but mostly illegal, was sexy.

He took the blunt from his mouth and offered me a hit. I shook my head. He chuckled, and
then offered it to Smurf, who took it with no hesitation. The music was too loud for anyone to
talk. But we spoke with our body language and eye contact. I couldn't keep my eyes from
Tips and vice versa.

We made it to Dennys where we unwinded a bit and talked. I found out a little more about
Smurf, and for the first time I realized he was actually a pretty smart guy. He was born and
raised in Florida, played football at a college in Ohio before dropping out and moving back
home. He stared slanging after he had a child. Had been doing it ever since. He was more well
spoken than I had originally thought and definitely had the hustlers spirit. I see why he and
Tip were so tight.

"So I hear you wanna teach?" Smurf asked.

"Yeah. It's been my dream since I was little" I responded.

"Well if you have a choice. Make sure you try to teach in one of the inner city schools. Sad
that so many of the poor schools got shit for teachers. Most of the ones worth a damn end up
teaching at some school with all the white kids".

Tip laughed, "Here this nigga go".

"Nah, let him speak" I smiled.

Smurf laughed, his gold teeth shining as the girl in his arm rubbed his shoulders.
"Nah, I'm just saying. One of the things that f*cked up the schools for black folk was
integration. Took all our good black teachers away. Now they go to where they can make the
most money and have the least amount of trouble. Most of the teachers in the poor schools
don't give a damn. Just show up and collect a check. I'm just saying Beyonce should be one of
the teachers that wants to make a change in the community" he said.

"Aww. I like the way you think Smurf. I agree though. I do want to make a difference with
my own people" I said.

Smurf looked at Tip, "I think you got a good one, nigga".

When we were done eating our breakfast dinner it was 1:30 am, and Tip decided to drop
Smurf and the girl at their destination. She was giggly and flirty, seemingly out of it from
whatever had her high. When we got in the car, not even five minutes after pulling off, I
randomly looked in the rear view and saw her sucking Smurfs dick. I wanted to look away.
But I couldn't. I needed to know if my eyes were deceiving me. But they weren't. I know they
weren't. Smurf had his eyes closed and his head back and the girl was bent over, moving her
head up and down.

Tip started laughing. I looked at him shocked and he shrugged. It took every ounce of energy
for me not to look again, but I managed as we pulled up to an apartment complex and the two
in the backseat got out.

"Yall kids have fun" Tip grinned, showing his white teeth.

Smurf laughed as he and the girl made their way up the steps. We pulled off before they even
made it in the door. We drove for a while, still listening to the club music that we started out
jaming to. When we got to a red light, Tip reached in his glove compartment and pulled out a
book of CDs.

"Let's play something a little more chill" he said to me.

I took a breath and let him do what he was going to do. He pulled out a CD and placed it in
the custom installed CD deck.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was Brown Skin by India Arie. The shocked caused
me to laugh.

"BOY. What do you know about Acoustic Soul?" I laughed.

He grinned, "I know it's beautiful music".

"It is. But I ain't think you would listen to....'beautiful music".

"Oh what you think I only listen to rah rah thug music?" he laughed.

"No. I would think you might listen to some Usher or R. Kelly every now and then. When you
trying to romance a girl. But India Arie?"

"I listen to Floetry. Jill Scott. Erica. Common. Maxwell. I'm a neo-soul type of dude" he said
seriously.

"What? You serious?"

"Look in my CD collection. I got it all".

"Hm" I said, flipping through the booklet, which contained all he said and more.

He grinned as I looked. I figured he liked the surprise look on my face.

"Fred Hammond? You listen to Gospel too, Tip?" I laughed.

"Oh yeah. I love the lawd too Shawty" he smirked.

I shook my head.

"Him got Yolanda Adams. Tip, this big bad drug dealer has him some Yolanda Adams" I said
before laughing uncontrollably.

"Know what. Close my shit if you gon' be clownin" he said.

He reached over for the book but I held it away from his reach.

"I'm not clowning. It's just funny. I just can't picture you riding down the street playing this
stuff".

"You cant huh? Well put it in. Put the Yolanda Adams in right now and I'll jam it. Volume all
the way up" he challenged.

I accepted, popping out the CD and putting in the gospel CD. He followed through, riding
around with Never Give Up blasting on his expensive speakers. I laughed the entire time
while he lip singed the lyrics.

"Sang with me girl" he teased.

After he had nudged me with his elbow a few times I joined him in singing the song, no
words coming from out mouths. We eventually stopped at a red light, still in the hood mind
you, and a car full of rough looking guys pulled up beside us. Did Tip get self conscious and
stop making a fool of himself? Did he get embarrassed? Did he stop acting goofy and try to
become hard and tough? Nope, he balled his fist like a microphone and started fake singing
into it, acting out the facial expressions for the song and everything. When the track hit a high
note, his face expressed it. I lost it, tears coming out of my eyes from laughing so hard.

The guys in the other car shook their heads and when the light was green, drove right on off,
playing their tough guy music. After the track was done and I finally got a chance to catch my
breath from laughing, he put on some Jill Scott, He Loves Me, and put it to a low volume so
we could comfortably talk.

We talked mostly about nothing, until he brought up the girl that had given Smurf head in the
backseat. We pulled up in the driveway by the time we got to this convo.

"I mean, she had to be high or something to just do it like that" I insisted.

"Why the girl had to be high? Couldn't she have just wanted to do it?"

"Yeah. But not in the backseat with us in the front. She was on something, Tip. Wasn't she?" I
asked.

He laughed, "Yeah. Ex. She was gone".

I shook my head, "I bet you wish I was on something like her, huh?"

"Nah, 16. I like you the way you are. Pure. Not all out there like them other ones" he said.

"Oh so you don't like the girls that are out there?"

"Nah" he replied.

"I don't believe you".

"Why not?"

"....Cuz" I said, like a little girl.

"Aight. You say you don't wanna be called 16. But you acting like 6 right now" he grinned.

I looked at him, he was sincere in what he was saying, which caused me to drop my hard to
get act.

"Tip. I wanna ask you something. But I want you to be honest" I said.

"I've been 100% honest with you all along. But ask".

"....What's going on with you and Nicki?"

"Nicki? From the party?" he asked, looking surprised I had asked.

"Yes. Nicki from the party".

"Nothing, Shawty. There is nothing between us" he said, matter of factly.

"Honestly Tip. You have no history with her?"

He looked at me hard.

"I...have history with her. But no future with her".

"Why did you two go upstairs tonight? At the party?"

He chuckled to himself and then took a deep breath.

"She wanted to talk, Beyonce. And that's all that happened. She said her piece, I said my
piece, and that was that".

"Talk about what? Why couldn't yall had talk downstairs?"

"She wanted to talk me into being with her. A bunch of shit I'm not interested in" he said.

"Why aren't you interested?"

"Because I'm not attracted to who she is anymore. She use to be a good, sweet girl. I don't
know what she is now. But I ain't interested".

"Did she give you head?" I asked, thinking about Jarvis.

Tip started cracking up, shielding his mouth as he laughed.

"I'm serious. Don't laugh at my questions" I sternly said.

"Shawty. The hell? No. I haven't touched that girl in some years now".

"Then why you still text her?" I said, putting all my cards on the table.

"She texts me. And it aint like I can keep my number hidden. Everyone in the school knows
my number".

"But she texted your personal cell" I pressed.

He side eyed me and then laughed to himself. I guess he couldn't figure out how I knew so
much. I liked seeing him squirm. But I didn't like that I had to let him in on what I knew for
him to speak on it.

"Aight Shawty. This is the deal. I was with Nicki for a minute. She was my chick. Thought
we'd have a future together. But. Basically, the girl cheated on me. We had went through a
period where we wasn't f*cking and I guess she needed something I wasn't giving her and she
ended up sleeping with....your boy".

"Who? JARVIS?" I yelled.

"Yep" he sighed.

"That can't be. Jarvis is ghay" I said.

"He may very well be. But he and Nicki slept together back in high school".

"Tip. I did not know that. Wow".

"Yeah. She said she was drunk and he was there and it just happened. You know how that
goes. But I ain't want nothing to do with her like that again. Since then she's been trying to get
back with me. But, I ain't interested in a girl that cheats and changes her whole style up, ya
know? I want someone....real" he said, eyeing me.

His eyes made me melt. I inhaled and sighed. I wondered if Michelle was watching us out of
her window, since we had pulled up. I was glad Tip had tinted windows just in case.

"You know. The DJ said tonight after we kissed that you won. Is that all this was to you? A
competition?"

He leaned in, "Bee. Since the day I met you I knew. There was no competition. None" he
stressed, his soft warm breath blowing in my direction.

I swallowed.
"What if I told you there was another guy?" I asked, thinking about the man I had been having
long IM chats with.

"I''d wonder why you're kissing me right now instead of him" he said before I met his lips
halfway, leaning in and kissing him again. It was slow and warm and his lips were gentle. I
closed my eyes and put my arms around his head.

I had kissed guys before. Plenty of times with Lyndell, so I knew how to kiss. But never had a
kiss felt so right for the moment. Even though his breath had an alcohol tint and the weed
smell was ever present in his clothes, it all was pleasing to my senses. It all felt good. The
danger. The mystique. The fact that he was a balance between soft and hardcore. A drug
dealer that could sing gospel. A mouth with a marijuana after taste but a sweet tongue and
gentle lips. I kissed him until I couldn't no longer breath, and kissed even past that.

He bit my lower lip and our tongues danced together, as rough as our bodies had earlier on the
dance floor. He was a very good kisser, knew not to give off too much spit and was smart
enough to not have his eyes open the entire time. I couldn't exactly explain a perfect kiss, but
his would always come to mind. Perfect for the moment.

When he backed off, I still wanted more, which I think was a surprise for him. Or maybe he
was hinting that he wanted more past kissing.

"What?" I asked.

"You're a virgin, right?" he asked.

I nodded my head without a word, unsure of what he was trying to get at.

"That's crazy" he laughed to himself.

"Why?"

"I promised myself. After Nicki. That I'd never take a girls virginity again. I swear, that shit is
metaphysical. It changes people" he said.

"You superstitious or something?"

"Nah. But I do believe in the spiritual world".

"....Well. Tip, it's not like I was going to sleep with you tonight or something" I said.

"I know, Shawty. I'm just saying".

"Would you prefer I wasn't a virgin?" I asked.

"No. Like I said. I like you the way you are".

"So would you break your promise to yourself to be with me?"

He looked in my eyes. He searched. I searched. He breathed in. I breathed out.

"I would"
We kissed some more, petted each other and I left before the windows got too fogged. I was
close to actually betraying my own word. I was that close to losing my virginity to him that
night in the car. That close.

**

I stripped down to my underwear, taking off my top to let my breast breathe, and laid across
the bed, not even interested in showering. I was too tired. It was 3 a.m. Apparently the kissing
between Tip and I had gone on far longer than I thought it did. It was sweet to me. Fun too. I
had finally gotten a chance to kiss a guy here and it was the one student I could see myself
linking up with. I wasn't sure yet if I trusted Tip, but I did love the way he made me feel. I felt
alive when talking to him or being around him. Maybe it was his status in conjunction with
his personality, but they both were sexy and engaging.

He was so confident and would always take charge in a situation. But I did wonder why he
didn't make a move on my in the car. He had every opportunity to, despite what I said about
not sleeping with him. everything was in his favor. I was tipsy. I was horny. And I was letting
him feel me up. He had rubbed on my butt and I let him rub my thighs under my skirt. I
thought he would end up going for my pussy, but he never did. He would back off ever time,
and simply keep kissing.

I liked the kissing. Was just surprised he didn't go for more. Deep down, I believe if he would
have made the move, I would have let him have me. I was that turned on by him and the
situation. So much that I would have f*cked him in the driveway of my Duplex, in his car. On
the first week I had turned 18. He could have had me. But he didn't take it. Guys could be so
hard to figure out at times.

I rolled out of bed and grabbed my laptop just so I could see if I had anymore facebook
messages. Once Windows booted up, something else caught my eye. He was online. At 3 in
the morning. Sure it was Saturday now, but I still never got why a teacher would be up so late
not doing anything. We had gone past formality when it came to IMing but for some reason
he still would never contact me first. I was always the first to speak. I decided to do so again,
tonight. And see if maybe his source had told him what I had did at the party.

QueenBey 2005 Are you on?

There was no reply at first. I guess he was logged on but not at the computer. I was prepared
to log off myself and go to sleep but he caught me.

S. Carter is typing...

S. Carter: Yeah. Sup?

QueenBey 2005: Nothing much...saw you on....wanted to speak...before I went to bed

S. Carter: You're getting on kind of late. Did it have anything to do with the party tonight?

QueenBey 2005: lol maaaaybeee

S. Carter: I already know you were there... Heard you were the center of attention too
My damn heart dropped when he said this. How did he know? And what did he think? I
wonder if he had the entire story, including the kiss with Tip in the middle of the floor.

QueenBey 2005: ...what exactly did you hear?

S. Carter: Enough

QueenBey 2005: Enough? Enough for what?

S. Carter: To know you don't shy away from drug dealers...

QueenBey 2005: Wow. I dont even know what to say. Are you disappointed?

S. Carter: Nah. Slightly surprised though.

QueenBey 2005: It just kind of happened....

S. Carter: lol Beyonce you don't have to explain why you kissed a guy.

QueenBey 2005: I know I don't...but I want you to know why...

S. Carter: ....why do you want me to know?

QueenBey 2005: Isn't it obvious?

S. Carter: No. It's not.

QueenBey 2005: Don't you know by now that I care what you think of me??

S. Carter: Yeah but I guess I don't understand why...

QueenBey 2005: Ugh. You can be so dense sometimes...I think it's all an act too

S. Carter: lol

QueenBey 2005: See? It's like your intentionally playing around with me

S. Carter: I'm not playing. I just thought your last comment was funny.

QueenBey 2005: *sigh*...this is so one sided. You do this all the time. I do all the talking and
you do all the laughing...

S. Carter: Then why do you keep coming back for more?

QueenBey 2005: I guess thinking things would change. But hey. Insanity is doing the same
thing over and over and expecting change...

S. Carter: No shit Einstein lol

QueenBey 2005: Asshole...

S. Carter: ...how exactly do you want me to interact with you, Beyonce?

QueenBey 2005: Stop being so robotic and predictable. I KNOW you're not as plastic and
mean as you make yourself seem. I see right through it. And I'm just wishing you'd drop the
whole shtick

S. Carter: I don't think you could handle it, Beyonce.

QueenBey 2005: And how would you know?

S. Carter: You'd be embarrassed by what I said

QueenBey 2005: Try me...

S. Carter: Ok. How about this. I know you have some sort of thing for me that a student
normally has for their teacher. You and a million other girls. I know you get hot and bothered
when I come around. I see it in your face. I see the twitch in your body. I saw you going to
work on the snickers. I see a lot of things about you, that you don't think I notice...

I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say.

S. Carter: You there? lol

QueenBey 2005: Yeah...well if you know so much...why you still talk to me? Knowing I feel
a certain way about you...

S. Carter: Cuz I like hearing you talk...in class or outside of class

QueenBey 2005: You are so full of it. It's 3 in the morning. Why would you wanna hear me
talk this late?

S. Carter: You IMed me....

QueenBey 2005: So and you still replied. I don't like how you try and make it seem like its
only me. It takes two to talk at 3 in the morning

S. Carter: And it takes one to misinterpret the nature of our talks

QueenBey 2005: WHat am I misinterpreting??? God you can be a prick...

S. Carter: lol. thanks for noticing...

QueenBey 2005: I see why you are single and don't get along with your baby momma

S. Carter:.....what did you just say?

QueenBey 2005: .....

S. Carter: Wow
QueenBey 2005: You mad yet? Good. Because I'm mad too. I want to see what makes you
tick. You say I'm misinterpreting our convos yet you don't help by being so vague.

S. Carter: What exactly do you want from me? What do you want to know? Please. Ask
away

QueenBey 2005: Why do you talk to me?

S. Carter: Because I enjoy it...

QueenBey 2005: Do you talk to any other students on IM like you talk to me?

S. Carter: No

QueenBey 2005: So why me?

S. Carter: That's a good question.

QueenBey 2005: And I want a good answer

S. Carter: Well. That right there. What you just did. Your...persistence. To push past the wall
I put up. It's both entertaining and....cute. I guess, for lack of a better word.

QueenBey 2005: No other students do that?

S. Carter: Nah. I hit them with the boring teacher talk and call them by their last name and
eventually they grow tired of the convos. But you? You just keep coming back. It's enthralling
to watch...

QueenBey 2005: And you don't think that is leading me on, Mr. ethics teacher?

S. Carter: Leading, how?

QueenBey 2005: To make me think...I am...a favorite student or that you...feel a certain way
about me. Make me think im your type of something.

S. Carter: A type huh? A student has never been my type

QueenBey 2005: Well pretend. Just for a second that I ain't a student. Pretend I'm just a
woman you met. Would I be your type?

S. Carter: Under this pretend scenario. Would you still be 18?

QUeenBey 2005: Why does that matter?

S. Carter: Perception purposes...

QueenBey 2005: Mr. C. PLEASE. Just answer my question. For once in your life. Please.

S. Carter: I'm trying to answer it as honestly as possible. But I need clarity. Are you basically
asking, if you weren't my student, would I be interested in dating you?

QueenBey 2005: ...yes. That's what I'm asking.

S. Carter: No. I wouldn't.

QueenBey 2005: ....

S. Carter: That surprise you?

QueenBey 2005: It doesn't make sense to me. Why? My looks?

S. Carter: Nah. You are very attractive...

QueenBey 2005: Then what? You say you like when we talk and then you say I am
attractive. SO why wouldn't you hypothetically date me?

S. Carter: I don't feel I would be healthy for you. You are still growing. I don't want to
interfere with that.

QueenBey 2005: Yet you can chat with me for long hours even though you KNOW I like
you...

S. Carter: Beyonce a lot of people end up liking me. I'm pretty use to that. I can't shun away
every student that develops a little crush...

QueenBey 2005: A little crush huh. Nice way of wording it.

S. Carter: What else would I call it lol? Love?

QueenBey 2005: You make it sound I like you in a childish way...but its whatever. I wont
even stress it...

S. Carter: Exactly. I don't want you to stress over me, Beyonce.

QueenBey 2005: You have a goofy way of showing that. You are a tease. Want to see how
far you can go without actually acting on anything. And you say I am childish...

S. Carter: I love your conviction there. Passive aggressive. But still nice.

QueenBey 2005: Doesn't change the fact that everything I said is true

S. Carter: Truth is subjective. It's your truth. It ain't mine

QueenBey 2005: What's your truth, then? You ghay?

S. Carter: LMAO. Why is it that women assume you have the ghay if you don't take their
bait? Can the female species deal with rejection?

QueenBey 2005: I'm just asking. I'm connecting the dots. It would make sense, so whatever.

S. Carter: I'm 100% straight...

QueenBey 2005: I bet you are...

S. Carter: You really are mad right now, aren't you? So hostile. And because of what?

QueenBey 2005: Because you are full of shit

S. Carter: How do you figure that Beyonce? What makes you so sure?

QueenBey 2005: Because I know for a fact you wouldn't let all of your other students talk to
you like this. But I just did and you are still talking. That MEANS something that you
REFUSE to reveal. You keep downplaying it all. And you will follow this up with some more
bullshit. Asking me how do I know and whatever else. I'm so over your gimmick.

S. Carter: You know me so well...

QueenBey 2005: No. I don't know you, Shawn at all. I know Mr. Carter well though. And
he's full of shit.

S. Carter: We on a first name basis now?

QueenBey 2005: You've been calling me by mine, so why not?

S. Carter: Look. I like you, ok? I like your naive mind and your youthfulness. I notice you.
You stand out. And selfishly, I did want to explore more. And some of what you said up there
is right. I do straddle the fence. But there is a point I won't allow myself to go past. I can
admire you, your beauty, and your development from afar. Ok?

QueenBey 2005: What point won't you cross?

S. Carter: Admiring you up close and personal

QueenBey 2005: See. I knew it. I knew there was SOMETHING there. That's all I was
asking you to admit

S. Carter: That may be nothing for you to admit. But it takes a lot for me to say something
like that to someone like you...

QueenBey 2005: Well just pretend I'm not your student. Just pretend. We don't have to be
student and teacher on here. Not Miss Knowles and Mr. Carter. Just Shawn and Beyonce.

S. Carter: Impossible...

QueenBey 2005: Just try it. For five minutes. Pretend. If I wasn't your student. What would
you want to say to me? What would you ask or want to know about me?

S. Carter: ...

QueenBey 2005: There isn't anything you'd want to know?

S. Carter: There is. But it's not appropriate.

QueenBey 2005: Yeah for student and teacher. But this is just you and me. No one else.
S. Carter: Are you drunk right now lol? This sudden sense of confidence and boldness is ing
my mind up

QueenBey 2005: I had some drinks. I'm not drunk though. I'm aware and I'm waiting.

S. Carter: Between me and you....huh

QueenBey 2005: I promise...

S. Carter: You a virgin?

I was shocked that the first question he wanted to know was regarding my sexual purity, but
as I thought, it really wasn't that surprising. Isn't that what most guys wanted. And at the
moment, he wasn't Mr. C. Just another guy. I liked that my boldness was messing with him. I
liked that it made me appear more mature and confident. And because of this I didn't want to
tell him I was a virgin and totally kill the moment.

QueenBey 2005: No. I'm not

S. Carter: Word? Surprised at that...

QUeenBey 2005: Why are you surprised?

S. Carter: I don't know. Just the vibe I had. So, did you lose it before you got to
college?

QueenBey 2005: Yeah. To my HS sweetheart.

S. Carter: Part of me wants to know what happened when you left the party with Mr. Harris

QueenBey 2005: Who?

S. Carter: Tip. Damn, you don't even know the boys last name? I hope you didn't sleep with
him...

QueenBey 2005: Oh...him lol. Um. No. We haven't slept together.

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: I promise we havent lol. We did other stuff. But not sex.

S. Carter: Other stuff? As in? Head?

QueenBey 2005: No. Just kissing and petting . I want the first guy I sleep with out here to
be someone special...

S. Carter: You making a pass at me?

QueenBey 2005: What if I was?

S. Carter: You are seriously a stubborn child...

QueenBey 2005: But you're still talking, so I dont wanna hear that. Any more questions?

S. Carter: What do you have on?

QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: Don't act now. You said pretend. And that's what I would ask an attractive woman
at this time of the morning....so spit it out.

QueenBey 2005: lol...my...my...my. That caught me off guard. I must say....but...im...wearing

panties...

S. Carter:...

QUeenBey 2005: What?

S. Carter: That's it?

QueenBey 2005: Yep...

S. Carter: ...So you're just typing topless?

QueenBey 2005: Yeah. Do I have permission to be half naked in my house?

S. Carter: Anyway.....What are you doing right now?

QueenBey 2005: Playing with my pussy

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: LOL. My stuffed cat. I'm playing with it while I type to you...

S. Carter: That's not funny...

QueenBey 2005: Yes it is. Talking about I can't handle it. I don't think YOU can handle it.
What if I WAS touching maself?
S. Carter: I'd ask who you were thinking about...

QueenBey 2005: lol..some guy I know. Tall. Handsome. Wears some Bill Cosby sweaters
sometimes. Talks in circles. Maybe you know him. Name is Mr. C

S. Carter: Never heard of the guy...

QueenBey 2005: lol. What are you wearing?

S. Carter: That's not a question you ask the guy smh

QueenBey 2005: And why not? Don't be sexist, Shawn Carter...

S. Carter: Oh I forgot, you've been taking them new aged feminist classes with Pounder.

QueenBey 2005: And what's wrong with feminism?

S. Carter: What's right with it?

QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: I'm wearing a T shirt and boxers.

QueenBey 2005: Oh so now we're changing the subject? Don't tell me you are a feminist
hater...

S. Carter: You are just going through that phase. Every early college student goes through
that pseudo intellectual wanna be high cultured artsy hippie conscious phase. If you are a
feminist 10 years later, I'd take it serious then

QueenBey 2005: You think you know me, huh...That i'm like "every early college student".

S. Carter: I may not know you all the way. But I know the phase when I see it. It's not a bad
thing. I just don't see it as a permanent thing either. Trust me, I went through the same thing in
my first philosophy class

QueenBey 2005: Well you don't make for a good example to hammer home your point. You
ended up as a PHILOSOPHY teacher. So it was permanent

S. Carter: lol. I ended up teaching it because I love to see people go through the phase when
their intellectual "eyes" are open. It's funny. Mr. Carter loves teaching it. Shawn thinks most
of it is crap. South Park is more mentally stimulating that half of the Western Philosophers

QueenBey 2005: Family Guy>South Park

S. Carter: See, now you're just crazy...

QueenBey 2005: Wait I just thought about something. Did you just call me a pseudo
intellectual on the low?
S. Carter: No, I said it very plainly. It took you THAT long to realize it? Point proven

QueenBey 2005: So now I'm dumb?

S. Carter: No, you're very intelligent. But you are in that stage where you think you are wiser
than you really are...

QueenBey 2005: And what stage are you in, smartass?

S. Carter: The one right before Midlife crises, lol

QueenBey 2005: Calm before the storm, eh?

S. Carter: Correct

QueenBey 2005: Do you think I will be a part of the crises?

S. Carter: Do you want to be?

QueenBey 2005: You ask the most obvious questions....

S. Carter: Blame Socrates, not me

QueenBey 2005: Grr...whatever. I'd rather talk about your boxers and tshirt. Why not briefs?

S. Carter: Cuz its more comfortable. Why not a thong for you?

QueenBey 2005: LOL....would you rather me be in a thong?

S. Carter: You ask the most obvious questions

QueenBey 2005: lol....hey...Wanna talk on webcam?

S. Carter: IMAGINARY BOUNDARY!

QueenBey 2005: lol we've went way past that now. Don't worry, I will put my top on. I just
want to see your face and let you see me ok...please?

S. Carter: Why would you put it back on?

QueenBey 2005: Well, would you want me to leave it off? I would have put it on so you
wouldn't be uncomfortable...

S. Carter: I'd be uncomfortable either way. Webcaming with you in your bra and panties or
topless is pretty much the same thing to me...

QueenBey 2005: So what are you saying?

S. Carter: Web caming is not exactly a good idea...

QueenBey 2005: just for 2 minutes. PLEASE. I just want to see you.

S. Carter: How about this. I snap a pic of myself on my web cam and you take one of you?

QueenBey 2005: Should I have my top on or off?

S. Carter: Ima leave that one up to you

I was extremely turned on by this point. This was as blatantly flirtatious as our conversations
had ever been. And I had the opportunity to really turn it up a notch. The more he talked to
me, the surer I was that deep down he liked me. Maybe not as much as I liked him, but
enough to be intrigued. I mean, why else would he agree to exchange pics this late? I thought
hard about what type of pic I'd take. He sent his first, just a plain dark pic of him with a hat
on, covering his eyes. I laughed.

QueenBey 2005: LMAO...I can't even see your face. Why you have a fitted on? You ain't
gangsta!

S. Carter: Oh, I thought that was how you liked your men. Thugged out

QueenBey 2005: So you're trying to be like the dudes I like? Is that how it is, Shawn?

S. Carter: Ima have to put an end to you calling me by my first name...

QueenBey 2005: Sean. Shawn. Shaun. What YOU gon do about it? Huh?

S. Carter: Hurry up and send your pic...

QueenBey 2005: Aggressive much? Give me a sec...didn't know you could get so pushy...

I went into my closet and got one of the FAMU hats I had bought. I decided to be gangsta too.
I put the hat on my head backwards, left my top off, and took 5-6 pics with my webcam,
making different faces with each one. When I found a pose I liked, me frowning my face up
like I was a gangsta, I took the pic to MS Paint and cropped my breast out of the shot. He
would be able to tell I was still topless, but he wouldn't be able to see my breast. I couldn't
take that chance.

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005:
S. Carter: Speechless

QueenBey 2005: ...is that good or bad?

S. Carter: Both...

QueenBey 2005: Good as in you like it? Bad as in you shouldn't?

S. Carter: Good as in damn. Bad as in DAMN!

QueenBey 2005: LOL...

S. Carter: Don't show anyone the pic I sent you...aight?

QueenBey 2005: I wont...promise. Don't show my pic to anyone either...

S. Carter: You need not worry about that...

QueenBey 2005: Good.....

S. Carter: Bad...

QueenBey 2005: Good girl gone bad...

S. Carter: Let me ask you another question...

QueenBey 2005: You have my undivided attention...

S. Carter: Hypothetically....completely. If Shawn was interested in you....what would happen

with you and Clifford?

QueenBey 2005: ....there would be no me and Clifford. Just me and Shawn...

S. Carter: No one would be able to know about Shawn and you, though...

QueenBey 2005: I don't care. I can keep a secret. I don't need the whole world to know about
my man...

S. Carter: Seems the "whole world" already knows about you and Clifford. Aren't you two
now the, "baddest couple in the school". Why give that up?

QueenBey 2005: First off. We aren't a couple...yet at least. It was just a kiss. Secondly, he
doesn't make me feel the way that Shawn does...

S. Carter: Which is what?

QueenBey 2005: Let me put it like this. Tip makes me feel like a bad b*tch. Shawn makes
me feel like a woman.

S. Carter: Shawn isn't looking for a bad b*tch. He's looking for a woman. What are you?
QueenBey 2005: A woman that smiles at Shawn referring to himself in the third person lol

S. Carter: Is that it?

QueenBey 2005: No. A woman that thinks about Shawn all the time. A woman that would
give up the boys of the school to be with the only MAN she sees. A woman that shivered
when Shawn wiped chocolate from her mouth and stays up late even though she has work the
next morning just so she can talk with him... A woman that is mature for her age. A woman
that is willing to do whatever it takes to love her man the right way, even if it includes total
secrecy...

S. Carter: What about a woman that kisses and dances on random guys at random parties?
What was that?

QueenBey 2005: That was a lapse in judgment. A mistake this woman would never make
again if Shawn would just give her a chance. A chance to prove herself as woman enough. A
woman willing to promise him she would do whatever it took...

I waited anxiously to hear him respond, but he didn't. Seconds passed, then minutes and still
no response. My heart was shaking in my chest. I really meant that I was telling him and all I
wanted was him to respond with how he felt.

QueenBey 2005: You there?

S. Carter: I'm here...

QueenBey 2005: You have nothing to say?

S. Carter: I don't know how to say it...

QueenBey 2005: Just speak...w/ conviction

S. Carter: Beyonce. My life could become totally f*cked by continuing down this path with
you...

QueenBey 2005: Or it could be totally fulfilled. I promise...no one would ever know. I don't
talk to anyone about you or my feelings for you...

S. Carter: No one? Not one friend? Not your room mate? Not a blog or diary? No one?

QueenBey 2005: No one. I wouldn't do anything that would put you in jeopardy...

S. Carter: ....Well....it's late. I think I am going to call it a night...

QueenBey 2005: You aren't going to respond to what I said???

S. Carter: Not in the state I'm in right now. I don't want to lead you on or say anything out of
emotion. I need to think about some things.

QueenBey 2005: Like what? I hope you aren't treating this like an ethics class...

S. Carter: I'm treating it like it is. A student who just turned 18 this week and her teacher
discussing a potential relationship. And the more I think about it, the more the dissonance sets
in

QueenBey 2005: So what would you have said if you were just going off emotion? What

would your heart say?

S. Carter has signed off...

He logged off without responding to me. I was heart broken after spilling my emotions to him
like that. It was past 4 in the morning but I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was the fact
that he was pondering what I had said to him. It was surreal. I didn't even know I had it in me
to be so bold. Maybe it was the buzz I still had going or maybe it was because I was still
horny after the kissing session with Tip or maybe it was the same adrenaline that allowed me
to take off my clothes for that class. Maybe it was a mixture of it all. But I had bared all for
Mr. Carter.

Well, almost all. I took out the syllabas and called his cell phone. He didn't answer, but that
was quite alright for me. I was going to let him hear the sincerity in my voice. I had already
gone as far as to him a sexually charged conversation with him, included a revealing pic of
me, as well as telling him straight up that I wanted him. There was no turning back now. It
was all or nothing.

"You've reached Carter. If you are a student, leave your contact information and I will call
you back ASAP".

I was a student, but this wasn't school related.

"Shawn. This is Bee. I understand that you have to think about what we talked about. But I
want you to know that I really do mean everything I said. I have strong feelings for you. I
think you have strong feelings for me too. And, well, I don't want to have these feelings for
nothing. So I will give you your space, but please let me know soon if you feel the same way I
do.......yeah...ok....goodnight".

I went so sleep with my cell phone in my arms.

**

I ended up adding one of Mr. Carters classes to my schedule, a class I didn't even need to take
since this was my last semester of Gen Ed before I declared a major. I didn't care. I took his
class unexpectedly because I wanted to be around him. He could hide by not signing into IM,
but he had to show up to teach.

Rihanna started letting me drive her car to work, telling me I could buy it when I got the extra
money. She was cool about helping me out, but I really think she was just tired of taking me
to work. Instead of seeing each other on those days we would meet up for Yoga or on the
weekends. I was so busy with school and I had applied to a committee spot in NAACP. I
wanted it on my resume. I wanted to be involved.

The aftermath of the party had boosted my popularity sky high, so fast that it was a shock to
my system. In just a week, I went from the homeschool girl to the girl that had snagged Tip.
Tip and I weren't even dating, technically, but the kiss and the dance became school gossip,
especially since everyone knew Nicki had a thing for him. While I was getting so many
comments and friend request on facebook, it wasn't long before the hating started too.

The nasty looks and stares from the Sorority girls had truly started to get on my nerves. I
asked Jarvis why so many of those chicks hated me, and he said it was because they were
scared of me. I soon found out the chicks that seemed to dislike me all were associated with
Nicki in some way. Nicki and her goonettes were the first enemies in my short life.

"Bee. B*tches hate. The sooner you figure that out the sooner you'll stop caring about em"
Rih said to me as she drove to the tattoo parlor.

"It's so annoying though, Rih. Like, they acting like I took their man or something".

She laughed, "You never know. Maybe they caught their man friend requesting you or
something. You did say your shit blew up when you turned 18".

I hadn't thought about that possibility, but I guess it could have been true. Didn't change the
fact that it was a dumb reason to be mad at me.

"RiRi, why are you getting another tat" I asked.

"Cuz I want to" she said simply.

"You don't think that will make it harder to become a mainstream model?"

"It could. But I do what i want. So whatever".

"I see all of those scars have healed on your arm".

She grinned, "Yeah. That's probably why I want a new tat. My body needs to be adjusting to
some pain".

"That sounds so dumb, Rih. Why you need pain to operate?"

"Let your ass experience some pain that gives you an orgasm. You'll understand why pain can
be lovely".

"I've never even had an orgasm before" I shrugged.

She almost lost control of her vehicle as she looked at me.

"WHAT?"

I laughed, "Watch the road".

"F*ck the road. It will be there. You've never had an orgasm? Don't you masturbate?"

"...Sometimes. But, I never cum. I don't think I do at least".

"If you have to wonder, then no. You don't cum. That's a damn shame" she said.

"How is it a shame?"

"It's a shame that you don't even know how to get yourself off. You can't even say you know
your body if you don't know how to make yaself nut".

"I thought I'd experience it when i finally had sex. And I told you I almost did it with the one
guy in his car last week".

"Beyonce please. You won't nut ya first time. Or second time. Shit, you may never nut from a
guy f*cking you. 99% of the time, a womans first nut will be at her own hands. Can't depend
on no nagga to handle that for you".

"That doesn't seem right. Why have sex then if you won't even cum with the guy?"

She grinned, "Well for me it's cuz I like penis. The smell, the taste, the feel. I love a nice dick.
Even if the shit don't make me cum, and sometimes I gotta handle it myself. Still don't mean I
don't need a dick in my life every now and then".

"What's giving head like?" I asked, curiously.

"Bee. I'd be trying to get some head right now instead of worrying about giving it. You need
to worry about gettin yaself off first".

"I'm just asking. I know guys like that kind of stuff".

She laughed hard, "LIKE? Please...the way through to a mans heart is through his Urethra and
into your mouth".

"Do I gotta swallow and stuff?" I frowned.

"Look Bee. YOU, just need to worry about getting YOUR nut. Too many times a b*tch
focuses on how to please a man and they never learn how to please themselves. Plus, you told
me this guy has some other chicks sweating him. Trust me, the nigga is already getting his
dick sucked. You just get yours" she said as we pulled into the place.

She ended up getting tats on her hand. When I asked her why, she would put her finger to her
lips and shush me. I loved her crazy ass.
I ignored Tips calls while I anticipated Mr. Carters. The days passed, but he never called. So
when I showed up to his once a week class on Friday afternoon, I was eager to see his
reaction. I was sure he knew I had added his class, but I was also sure he would be wondering
how it was possible. I had convinced the guy at registration to allow me in the class even
though it was full. He told me he wasn't allowed to make the class size any bigger than what it
was but he'd go against policy and put me as the first name to get into the class if anyone
dropped. Well, someone dropped, and I made it as the last seat. This made the second time it
had happened. Lucky me.

I had learned many things from Rih, one of which was the art of seduction. She had let me
borrow the book, but just watching her work was all the material I needed. I leaned into the
guy, flirted, smiled, and his melting ass followed my every command. I wasn't sure I could
bare all to get free cable, but I'd definitely smile in a niggas face to get some things I wanted.
And the one thing I wanted now was Carter.

The class was Media Ethics, a class interested Journalism students ended up taking, Michelle
included. She couldn't understand why I had decided to take the class, but I told her I was
considering majoring in journalism after the documentary. It was a bold face lie, education
was still my career choice, but she took it as truth. She was glad to have me in the class with
her, as most of the time we had completely different schedules.
When Carter walked in, wearing a Blue long sleeve dress shirt and khanki's I wanted to hurl
myself at him right there. All I could think about was our late night convo over the weekend
and the fact that I knew he had heard my voice mail. I so desperately wanted to know what
was going on in that head of his. If he wanted me as much as I wanted him, and how he would
process the potential of dating me. Michelle spoke to me, but I wasn't really listening.

"Bee!" she whispered, loud enough that it echoed through the room.

Mr. Carter looked towards our direction and we locked eyes, briefly before he turned away. In
that short instance, I knew he had saw me and thought about our little secret. It turned me on.
To be in his class after what we had talked about. I wondered if he felt the same way.

"Sorry, Mr. C" Michelle said.

He smiled and went on with his directions. I had missed the first week of his class, so I was
caught playing catch up. What disappointed me is for the next few hours he never even looked
in my direction. Never once acknowledged my presence. He would act as if I wasn't even
there.

"So should a journalist print a quote exactly how it reads? Even if they know it's not what the
person meant to say?"

"I think it depends" said one of the students.

Mr. Carter sat on his desk, not at his desk, as he often did when he was ready for a debate and
sipped his coffee.

"Ok. Say you are interviewing a baseball player. And he says this. 'I am so pumped for the
game. I know the steroids will be pumping through my veins'. If you knew he MEANT
adrenaline, would you put steroids in the publication or put steroids as he said it?"

No one immediately raised their hand. I wanted his attention so I raised mine. He scanned the
room, ignoring my raised hand, and when he found no one else wanting the floor, he finally
focused his eyes on me. He smiled, "Yes? What do you think?"

Michelle looked at me, unsure of what I was going to say. I didn't even know what I was
going to say. I had never taken any sort of Pre-Req journalism course.

"I think you should print it as is. If they didn't meant it, they shouldn't have said it. Your job is
to just quote what they say" I said with conviction.

Michelle raised her hand right after me. Mr. Carter remained grinning and pointed at
Michelle.

"I don't agree. I think our number one goal is to report truth. And that wouldn't be the truth.
Secondly, we should strive to maintain a good standing with our sources. No need to alienate
them by running something that we know is not what they meant. That's what a journalist
should do" she said.

Mr. Carter nodded his head as if he was weighing it in his head.

"Aight class. What do you say? Do you agree with option A" he said pointing at
me, "Or option B".

"B" the class responded back.

He smiled.

"I think I'd agree with that as well. The goal here is accuracy. To print human
error like that would be just a step below yellow journalism. Sensationalism. The
same goes for grammar."

I didn't raise my hand for anything else for the remainder of the class. Michelle
participated, as did the other kids, but I sat and doodled in my notebook. When
the class was finally dismissed, I waited at my seat. I waited for the usuals to talk
with him after class and then I would ask him point blank, was he going to ever
get back to me.

"You coming Bee? I was gonna go get something to eat" Michelle asked.

"I have to ask Mr. C something. Go ahead. I'll catch you back at the apartment" I
smiled.

She smiled weakly and left, waving to Mr. C before exiting. After 10 minutes, the
last straddler had left and I was at his desk. He was moving around papers as I
stood there. But really, he was simply avoiding eye contact with me.

"You don't belong in this class, Miss Knowles" he dryly said.

"...Is that all you have to say to me?" I asked.

He looked up.

"What else do you want me to say?"

"I'd like for you to tell me why you never responded to the last thing we talked
about".

"Beyonce. You are my student. I'm your teacher. We're at school. This isn't your
class" he said, eying me hard.

"Ok. I will drop the class if you want me to. But still. Are you just going to ignore
what we talked about now?"

"Beyonce, what we talked about was a mistake. I made the mistake. I was wrong.
I shouldn't have said the things I said. I'm sorry'.

"I don't get why it is a mistake all of a sudden".

"It was a mistake from the beginning. I should have never entertained it. Again,
that was my fault. I got another class coming. So..." he said as two students
came in the doors.

I whispered "Please...can we just talk about this later? I can IM you".

He looked at his students who were chatting amongst themselves and then back
at me.

"..nothing to talk about, Miss. Knowles. If you want to drop the class, then fine. If
not, I will see you next week".

A few more students walked in the class and Mr. C started talking to them,
leaving me standing there with books in my hands. I wanted to say something
else to him, but he wouldn't even look in my direction. He wouldn't even look at
me. I turned and slowly walked out of the class, checking behind me one more
time to see if he was watching me leave. He wasn't. He was chatting with his
students.

I had to truly contain the tears that I felt wanting to knock me out. I was sure I
would cry, but I just couldn't let it happen while I was at school. When I got the
the car, Rihannas loaned car, I threw my bags in the backseat, put my head on
the steering wheel and let it out. I was so angry at him. I was also angry at
myself. I had all but thrown myself at him and this was how he had reacted.
Where had I gone wrong? I was SURE he felt similar things for me the night we
chatted. Why had he let a weeks worth of detachment from the the conversation
disengage him from those feelings?

I couldn't even properly get my cry on because I heard a knock on my window a

few minutes in. I peaked my head up, and it was Chris, smiling like he always
was. I didn't want him to see me crying, and I definitely didn't want to be around
his smiling ass at the moment.

I couldn't just ignore him, so I quickly blinked my eyes and wiped them, before
rolling down the window.

"You okay Be-Yawn-Say?"

I gave a forced smile, "Yes. I'm fine, Chris. Just...I just have to shed a few
tears...but I'm ok".

His smile was gone now, all that remained on his face was a look of concern.

"You sure?" he asked.

I nodded my head and continued to force my smile.

"..Ok. I thought you were sleeping. I just wanted to ask if you had read your
email today".

"No, I haven't. Why?" I asked.

"The library reviewed our documentary and they rejected it. I don't get why. I
thought you had said Carter insisted it would make it through".

I was sure Chris saw the anger in my face as soon as I felt it in my heart. That
asshole. He had done this. i just knew it.

"Yeah. I was mad too. Oh well" he said, still looking concerned.

"Chris. I have to go. I'll see you later, ok?" I said trying to not sound angry but
failing.
"You sure you're ok? I'd be willing to listen if you wanted to talk" he expressed.

I smiled, "Thanks Chris. But this is just something I have to handle right now on
my own. But again, I appreciate your kindness".

He took a step back and waved as I cranked up the car, reversed, and shot out of
the parking lot. I had an email to read and one to write.

**

Students interested in being on the NAACP committee at the school had to

attend a City Hall meeting on Monday. Jarvis, Nicki, me, and about 10 others
showed up. Rihannas car had overheated on me and was in the shop so I had
rode with Jarvis. Little did I know, Nicki had rode with him as well. It was like
sitting in the eye of a hurricane when i rode shotgun and Nicki rode in the back.
Jarvis seemed to find it funny.

"Are all gon talk or anything? " he grinned.

"I said hi to the girl" Nicki smiled from the backseat.

"I don't need to respond to her fakeness" I hissed to myself.

"Fake, sweety? Nothing fake in here except that purse you are carrying" she
said.

"Sorry. Not everyone cares about conspicuous consumption" I rolled my eyes.

"Can you even spell the word, little girl?"

"It's a phrase, not a word, dummy" I shot.

Jarvis cracked up.

"Yall some SILLY hos. Calm down, Damn. Don't start fighting in my whip".

"Jarvis, why didn't you tell me you were picking her up too?" I barked.

"Cuz I knew your ass wouldn't come if I did. And you need to be here. I want you
on NAACP with me. And damn, yall need to stop that fighting and shit" he said.

"Sorry Beyonce. The world doesn't revolve around you. Jarvis has other friends"
Nicki added.

"Yeah. I bet yall are real close friends. Close enough to f*ck, huh" I blurted.

"What?" Jarvis looked at me, with shades of anger in my eyes.

"Nothing" I said, looking out the window.

"No. What did you say?" he asked again.

"Nothing Jarvis. Just forget it".

"Who told you me and her f*cked?" he barked.

"I bet it was Tips lying ass" Nicki blasted.

"So it's a lie? Yall never had sex in High School?" I asked, looking in the rear
view.

"It's none of your business if we did" Nicki yelled.

I was happy to have gotten her out of her element. She was mad.

"Yall can do whatever yall want to do. Just don't be acting" I said, defensively.

"Acting what? Now I'm acting ghay?" Jarvis said.

"Your words. Not mine".

"I can't believe you, Bee" he barked, driving recklessly.

"And you call this girl your friend" Nicki said.

"Bee. I told your ass from the get go that I had been with women before. I told
you that I didn't come out until after I had been sexually active with women. That
doesn't change my sexuality. And I can't even believe you are over there judging
anything I did in High School".

"Like I said Jarvis, you can do whatever you want. I don't even care".

"You cared enough to try and use that as an insult to me. And make it seem like
it makes me fake?"

We pulled into City Hall arguing. All three of us. Jarvis was pissed at me, and he
had reason to be. Even if he had slept with Nicki back in HS, I knew it didn't
mean he wasn't ghay, or that it meant anything at all. Hell, she could have been
the girl he lost his virginity to, he did tell me the girl was one of the finest in the
school and he couldn't get hard. I shouldn't have used that as an insult to him.
But I guess I was so angry at the past week, that I was taking it out on whoever.

"She doesn't need to be worrying about what I did in High School. She should be
worried about letting her high school sister get knocked up" Nicki barked, before
walking off.

My eyes widened. HOW did she know this? I looked straight at Jarvis.

"Did you?"

He interrupted, "I swear to God I never told her that. I haven't told anyone that,
Bee".

"Then how could she know? Only people that know is you and Michelle".

"Well ask Michelle, because it wasn't me. I wouldn't do that to you" he pleaded.

"Whatever, Jarvis. I'm sorry for throwing the shit with you and Nicki in your face
like that, but how else could your friend know about my little sister? Know what,
f*ck this. I will catch my own ride home" I yelled.

"Well f*ck you too. Don't trust me. Shows what kind of friend you are" he bitterly
said.

There were people, all kinds of people standing outside in the parking lot
watching us. Business men, school officials, TV crew. As I walked into the building
I heard someone whisper that we were FAMU students, there for NAACP. I felt
bad for dishonoring my school like that.

I sat in the back after I had signed in. Jarvis and Nicki sat on the other end. We
forced ourselves to not look at each other, Jarvis and I. Nicki would openly look
and roll her eyes at me. But that was to be expected. I didn't really care about
her stares anymore. But Jarvis. He was my first buddy here. The first person I felt
open sharing some of my biggest secrets. Had I really assumed the worst about
him? And was I wrong about my assumption?

I tried to run it in my head who could have told Nicki about Solange being
pregnant and it being my fault. Could it have been Michelle? That wouldn't have
made any kind of sense. Michelle didn't associate with them. And even if she did,
why would she tell them shit about me? We lived together. We were solid friends.
But then again, she was there in Miami with us and maybe she felt a certain way
about me doing that documentary. Shit, I didn't know, but the more I thought,
the more it seemed like neither of them would have any incentive to talk shit
about me. What would they gain?

Maybe it had come from elsewhere, but who? I wore myself out thinking about
the endless scenarios of this info leaking out, and by the time the meeting was
about over, I was exhausted emotionally. It didn't help when I noticed out of the
corner of my eye, Mr. C was sitting all the way to the other end.

I had forgot all about him being involved with City Hall meetings and NAACP. He
was the faculty representative for the meeting, and was sitting quietly watching.
I wondered if he had seen me here. He had not been on Yahoo since his Friday
class. I figured that he might have been on but had just signed in as invisible. I
sort of liked that I had the power to change his internet activity or behavior,
since he had come online everyday for the past few months.

The meeting let out about 10 minutes later, and when I turned, Jarvis and Nicki
had already exited the building. It seems I really was going to have to get a ride.
The campus wasn't far from City Hall, but I needed a ride to the Duplex where I
lived. I quickly took out my cell phone and walked outside, watching as Jarvis
pulled out of the parking lot.

I called RiRi and she picked up after five or six rings.

She breathed heavily into the phone, "Wha?"

"Hey. This is Bee. You busy?"

"Getting...busy" she breathed hard.

I then took the time to notice the smacking in the background as well as the bed
squeaking.
"Damn. My bad. Never-mind".

She laughed, "Ya...call ya later" she panted before hanging up.

I called Chris but he didn't answer. I called Kelly and she didn't answer. I called a
few people I knew in other classes but all of them were busy or couldn't come get
me until later. I was stuck.

I was going to have to call Jarvis. It was the only person I could think of. Or I was
going to have to walk or call a taxi. None of those options were appealing. But
there was one option that was. And he walked out of the City Hall meeting and
we locked eyes as I moved from in the middle of the doorway.

"Hey" he said even toned.

"Hey" I responded just as even.

"You enjoyed the meeting?" he asked.

"It was alright".

He laughed, "You can admit. It was boring. But I'm glad you ended up doing it so
you can run for NAACP".

"Yeah, well I have to do what I have to do" I responded dryly.

He looked around.

"Where your ride I saw you pull up in?"

"Gone" I barked.

"Someone else coming?" he asked, looking around the emptying parking lot.

"Nope".

"So how are you getting home?".

"I don't know" I said, slight attitude.

We shared a knowing gaze. He knew why I had an attitude. I had told him in
many explicit words in an email that weekend. Called him all kinds of names.
Asshole being my favorite. It was awkward now being in front of him and seeing
him so friendly. He had all but ignored me for a week.

He sighed, "Miss Knowles. Do you want a ride?".

"Is that a real offer? Or a tease?" I asked.

He nodded his head.

"I guess I deserved that. As well as the colorful email you sent. But my offer is
genuine. Where do you live?" he asked, starting to walk down the steps.

I followed, clutching my purse to my hip and fiddling with my nails with my other
hand. When we had made it to his car, a silver Benz with a dark tint.

He unlocked my door and as I got in, grinned to himself.

"What's so funny?" I asked, still making sure I sounded mad.

"You're going to think I have money cuz of this car".

"Well. I do think you have money. The wardrobe you have ain't exactly cheap" I
shot.

He cranked up the car and I told him where I lived.

"Yeah, I know where that is. Not too far from here. You could have walked" he
joked.

"Yeah" I said dryly, not finding humor in any of this.

After we had pulled out of the driveway and was buckled up, he looked over at
me. I was pretending to be staring straight out the window. But I felt him. I felt
him watching. His glare made me feel alive. I just hoped none of my body
language gave it away. My leg vibrated but I ignored it.

"Beyonce. I'm sorry about everything, aight? I admit. I haven't handled this
situation very well at all. I teach, and to you that might make you think I always
do everything perfect. But I don't. I make brash decisions and bad mistakes too.
I'm sorry for how I contributed to the misinterpretation of our relationship" he
said.

"So you're saying everything about us? Our chats? Our talks? Everything was a
mistake?" I barked.
"Everything that polluted our relationship was" he said.

I shook my head and took a deep breath.

"Beyonce. I know you won't understand it now-"

I interrupted.

"Stop saying what I won't understand. I understand that I had feeling for you and
you had feelings for me and that you b*tched out, basically" I said, feeling the
tears coming.

"I didn't "b*tch out" Beyonce. I smarted up".

"What was so smart about you running from this?" I asked.

"It's called foresight. Maybe you will develop it when you get older. But I saw us
and then I saw the end of us. And it wouldn't be pretty. There is nothing good
that can come from this. Either it leaks out somehow or one of us breaks the
others heart" he said.

"I wouldn't break your heart and I wouldn't leak anything. So it seems you are
just worried about you doing something crazy" I spat.

"That's your lack of foresight. Neither one of us would have to intentionally leak
anything or try to do something to hurt each other. Doesn't mean it wouldn't
happen".

"Keep making excuses. You say I have a lack of foresight, and I say you have a
lack of courage. You are a coward, Shawn Carter" I said, the tears now in my
eyes.

"I can take being called a coward. Because I am. This right here. Scares the living
shit out of me. And I have every right to be afraid of it. Every reason to be" he
reasoned.

"How can it scare you? It excites me. It makes me feel alive. I FEEL the
connection we have. You don't?"

"I've felt it" he sighed, turning a corner.

"And it doesn't excite you?"

"No. It scares me. I cant be impressionable and excited about every connection,
like you can Beyonce. You have your entire life ahead of you. To love and f*ck
and break up and make up and love again. It's exciting for you. Me? I've laid the
foundations for my life already. And any mistake by me can send the foundation
crashing".

"You won't even give it a chance though" I spat.

"Chance is always against us. It's like rolling the dice, Beyonce. I can't roll the
dice on this and then I lose everything".

"Shawn. Chance is more than expectation or possibility. And even if it wasn't, is

there a better bet than love?"

"I wouldn't call this love. Lust, maybe" he said, eyeing me.

"How can you define it when you won't even give it a chance? Chance is only
what we make of it, Shawn. And it's all I need".

We pulled up to the Duplex but remained on the side of the road. I guess he
didn't want to pull in the driveway. He truly was attempting to drop me off.

"This your place, right?" he asked, as if the conversation was over.

"Shawn. Give me a chance. Give us a chance" I said, nearly begging this man.

He looked in my teary eyes and I could feel him rethinking his entire decision. I
wish I could have been Rihanna at that point. She could seduce a guy. Look at
him, grin, and have him thinking with only his dick. But I wasn't her. I was a
tearful girl, still trying to find my way, and hoping that way would be with the one
guy that truly had my heart. Someone could have asked how did I fall for a man
through lectures and IM chats. I couldn't explain it. I wouldn't have been able to
explain it. And that was how I knew it was real. It wasn't rooted in an easily
understood narrative. My heart was telling the story, not the mind of a romance
writer.

"So what do you want? A date? A kiss? A relationship? What exactly do you want
a chance to do?" he asked.

"I just want a chance to be with you. Whatever that entails".

He took a deep breath and sat back in his seat. The car was running, which gave
me the impression that it would help decide his decision for him. I didn't want
him to be in any rush. I put my hands on the gear, put it to Park, and then turned
the car off for him. He eyed me as I did this and swallowed hard.

"Beyonce. Logically. I can't make this decision. I just can't let myself do this" he
eventually said.

I shook my head as he spoke. And something hit me. As hard as anything had
ever hit me in my life. A feeling of empowerment and confidence. Stronger than
what it had been that first life drawing class. Stronger than it was when I left
Houston without telling my parents. The feeling that when there was a will, there
was a way. And my will couldn't had been stronger at that point. I knew what I
wanted. I knew who I wanted. And I wasn't going to take no for an answer. I
wasn't going to let the moment slip, without taking full control of it.

He continued talking, but at this point I had blocked his defeated words from my
brain. My will built a barricade around my mind, so nothing unhealthy could
destroy the power trip I was on. Nothing was going to stop me from doing what I
had in mind. Not fear, or doubt, or logic, or Carter himself.

I moved over in my seat and quickly reached my hand towards Carters pants. He
had been wearing a business suit, which seemed like overkill for a City Council
meeting, but what did I know. Carter was just that kind of a guy. Dressing to
please himself and not others. He immediately went for my arm and I was
prepared to fight him away.

"Wut chew dawin?" he quickly said, sounding halfway slow and all the way
confused.

He was uneasy. I was excited. Like a microcosm of our emotional states when it
came to us. And the even bigger microcosm would be his inability to say no to
me.

I reached for the bulge, which was hard to miss, a clear curve sitting near the
seat. He was fighting with me, his hands pulling my arms, but he wasn't putting
enough muscle into it for me to believe he was serious. He didn't believe his
reluctance. He had no conviction. If he were being graded on his conviction, it
would have been a C Minus.

"Bee....stop" he whispered, looking around.

I took that to mean keep going. I mean, why look around? I went for his zipper
and tugged it down, the distinct roar sending a tingling rush through my body.
He was breathing hard now, still telling me to stop, but barely above a whisper.
Soon, he wouldn't be saying anything, I was sure of it.

His button was next, which took me a second to get undone, but when I
managed his fly came open which revealed black briefs. So much for the boxers
being more comfortable. Once I actually saw the briefs, a small amount of self
doubt filled my head. I guess I really started to realize what I was doing. It was
the same self doubt I felt when I pulled my panties off in that dressing room. And
just like that time, his bulge staring back at me was like a mirror. I could imagine
myself pulling it out and sucking on it, but actually doing it was the taller task.

My indecision gave him the courage to pull me up.

"Bee. No. I can't let you do this" he said, going for his zipper and intending to zip
it back up.

I was loosing my footing. My waver in confidence gave him the strength to stop
me. I had to do it. I wanted to do it.

Without a word, but replaying him telling me he can't let me do it, I leaned in,
stopping him from zipping his pants back up. I grabbed the top of his briefs and
slowly begin easing them down. I didn't want my nails to accidentally scratch him
so I took my time, making sure I'd clear his bulge without hurting it in any way.
He was breathing heavily, but I couldn't tell how he was looking. I didn't have
time to check.

After one final tug, the bulge transformed. It raised itself up like the school flag,
proudly waving before settling into a firm salute. So this was what a close up
penis looked like. I looked at it in awe for a moment. Brown and stiff. Slightly
curved towards me. I was especially interested in the tip. It looked fascinating.
Mushroom like except with a hole. I wanted to keep staring at it but when I felt
Carter reposition himself, I remembered that I had pulled it out for a reason, and
the reason wasn't to pull out the microscope.

His dick didn't need one of those though. I couldn't put a number on it, as I had
never measured a dick. But when i guesstimated how much of it I could
comfortably fit in my mouth, I knew it wouldn't have been the entire thing. It was
too long and too wide. I was cautiously optimistic that I could even get half of it
in there.

My mouth was watering thinking about fitting it in. I really wanted to know how it
would taste. But with it in front of me, all I could taste was my own saliva. I took
a breath to calm my nerves and get a grip on the free flow of spit that had
flooded my tongue, and I leaned all the way in.

I placed my right hand on my lap and my left hand on his chest for leverage. This
was my moment of truth. This penis was about to become mine. I kissed the
mushroom head first, wanting to get a feel for the texture before it went in my
mouth. I was surprised when I felt fluid on my lips. Precum. How could I have
forgot? I didn't learn about at home school because my curriculum never
included sex ed. But I had learned about it at the workshop. Precum helped with
lubrication, but it didn't have much sperm so pregnancy wasn't likely. That's
what they had told us.

I thought about precum, and the fact that it was in my mouth as I gently kissed
his tip, feeling him tense up at each peck. I loved this. The danger. The power.
The overpowering lust. The fact that I was forcing him to give in to me. Never
again, would he be able to take solace in knowing there was a boundary between
us. There wasn't. My tongue was circling the tip of his dick. No such boundary
existed anymore.

I wanted to taste the rest of it before I put it in my mouth. I wanted to know

every reaction from him. I wanted to know if he liked small pecks or licks or
tongue kisses on his dick. And I wanted to know how his body would respond. I
leaned in some more and placed my lips around towards the base , which was
some ways down from the tip and I allowed myself to kiss him from the bottom
to the top. His entire body tightened as I did this. I could fell his heart beating
with my hand, a quickened thump against my palm.

I decided to do it again, this time starting from the top and pecking my way
towards the base, allowing my tongue to slip out every few pecks. Again, like
clockwork, he held his breath and tightened his body. I could sense I was doing
something to him. I was driving him crazy.

He responded by the second round of full penis tongue kisses by putting his hand
on my head and pushing down. I guess he was ready now. No reluctance. No
no's. No stops. He wanted this. Although it was halfway because I had pushed
him into a corner of no return. I opened my mouth wide, not sure how wide I'd
need to go to do this right but the gap adjusted to his size once the entire head
went in my mouth.

Feeling the head, wide and hard, in the inside of my lips was a thrill as well as
the loud moan that escaped from his lips. This was no longer a want. We were
treating this as a need, right up there with food and water. And as more of his
dick eased into my mouth, I relished it like a delicate treat. Like chocolate. Like
melting chocolate. Filling every space in my mouth. And when my mouth had
been filled to the point where I could no longer take anymore I came up for air,
like A dolphin coming out of the ocean. I swallowed the build up of pre-cum and
spit, and dove back in for more.

I had never even used some of these mouth muscles before, and I felt a small
ache in my shoulder area. But I looked at the ache as a plus. Like the first time I
worked out. No pain, no gain. The aches eventually faded in the back of my head
as I continued slowly moving my head up and down his penis. I was able to fit
about half of it in my mouth, but desire called for more.

I sat up, and he looked at me like I was crazy.

"You done???" he blurted.

I grinned at him and repositioned myself. He did the same, giving me a better
angle for him and looking around and making sure the area was secure. Our
street wasn't very busy, but the biggest concern was somehow if Michelle came
outside to see what strange car was parked outside of our crib.

I held his dick with my right hand and used my knee against the chair to support
me this time. I felt a lot more comfortable when I took him in my mouth the
second time. He seemed a lot more comfortable too. Not holding his breath time
time, but jumping and then settling down. Out of curiosity I took as much of him
into my throat as possible, although it wasn't much. I guess I still needed practice
with that.

In this new position I could suck and look towards him. I liked it. I could feel his
body react to me and see his face. He looked down at me which sent even more
electricity through my body. I had an innocent glare in my eyes as I sucked. Slow
and steady. I imagined what he was thinking. Shy Beyonce, the girl that wouldn't
speak up in class, now giving him a blow job in his car on the side of her
apartment. There was a delicious coat of irony to this entire thing, making
sucking his dick even more thrilling.

He reached for my head and moved my hair out of the way which had fallen in
front of my face multiple times. This excited me. He wanted to watch as as I
pleased him. He wanted to see me. We locked eyes and I sucked, loving each
time his penis hit the sides of my mouth and scraped against my tongue. I'd stop
a few times, for air mostly, but licked him while we stared at each other. This was
my first time, but all of this felt natural. Pleasing the man I had feelings for felt
natural. I didn't feel degraded or submissive or lower than him. I loved the feeling
of catering and providing and pleasing. I loved that I was making him feel good.

I couldn't tell how much time had passed but the longer he remained in my
mouth the more things I started to notice. Like the differences in texture, some
parts more rough and others more smooth. The fact that when I speeded up he
would hold his breath and when i slowed down he would exhale, and realizing I
controlled whether he breathed or not. And then I noticed I could actually feel his
heartbeat. It was like having a stethoscope placed on his chest. But instead, his
dick, carrying blood directly from his heart, carried each tremble from his beating
heart.

My pussy was overfilled with my own juices as I sucked on him, and after I
noticed his heart beat, I started sucking as hard as I could, my neck beginning to
suffer from cramps. He put his hand on my head and helped guide me at the
pace he wanted, and then I felt his entire dick harden, as did his body. I looked
up, and he was still eyeing me. Our eye lock didn't prepare me for the rush of
fluid that filled my mouth as he shook and cringed from a car shaking orgasm.

I had always thought that swallowing semen was nasty. But as the salty mixture
of semen and spit flooded my tongue, I didn't feel nasty. I felt accomplished. I
felt like a bad b*tch and a woman. Instincts took over as my body told me to
swallow, totally overriding anything my mind would have told me. The thick build
up of semen and spit went down as smooth and eagerly as a melted Snickers
bar.

He was breathing hard, as if he had been in a marathon. He had said God a few
times and had his eyes closed. I took the down time while he caught his breath
to kiss his still moist tip, hole and all, and swallowed that small bit too. I still
wanted it in my mouth. I didn't want to stop. But when I attempted to suck on it
again he shook violently, and snatched me up.

"Chill. It's sensitive" he managed to say.

I sat up and assessed him. He looked exhausted. And I was the one that had
done all the work. I bit my bottom lip and tried not to laugh at how defeated he
looked. He looked like he had been in a fight and lost.

"You ok?" I laughed, quietly.

"Damn...you...sucked the Jesus out of me" he exhaled, trying to find laughter but
only finding a shortness of breath.

I giggled at this. And covered my mouth, slightly embarrassed, but inspired by

his compliment.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. He had his eyes closed and his head rested
against the seat. I was leaning on the car window and looking at him. He looked
like he was sleeping. But I knew he wasn't. He was playing with his fingers.

"Are you mad at me, Carter?" I asked, breaking the silence.

He laughed, still with his eyes closed. I guess he had finally caught his wind.

"Beyonce. Mad is the last thing I am feeling right now".

"Well...Say SOMETHING. I'm feeling insecure over here after just....doing

that....and you not saying nuttin".

"I don't wanna say anything based off emotion" he said, eyes still closed.

"Are we still stuck on that? After what I just did?" I asked, starting to get an
attitude.

"Nah. It's not like that. The imaginary boundary stuffed. We're past that" he
laughed, "But. If I were to speak off the high of....what you just did. I might tell
you that I f*cking love you right now".

"Love? I thought this was lust?" I grilled.

"Exactly. Why I can't speak from that place. I gotta wait for my feet to land back
on the ground".

"Do you think I only did that for lust?" I asked.

He finally opened his eyes and looked at me.

"I know why you did it. And I know it wasn't just oral sex for you. And that's what
is tripping me out. I felt it. And I don't want to stop feeling it".

"Feeling what?"

"That connection you keep bringing up. It's there. And after tonight, shit. It ain't
gong nowhere. I guess ain't no way I can downplay it now".

"Why would you want to, Carter?" I asked.

"Beyonce. Don't you see the position I am in? I mean, I see where you are
coming from?"

"And I see where you are coming from" I insisted.

"No pun" he laughed.

It took a while for me to get the reference. We both chuckled shyly. The tension
was still thick, the embarrassment still smeared on our faces, despite the release
for one of us. We hadn't even kissed yet and I had sucked his dick.

"Look. I'm your teacher. I'm expected. Counted on to remain neutral and distant
from my students. I'm expected to be the adult when I'm dealing with young
adults. If I act on this. I'm the devil. I'm the villain. I should have knew better. I
should have done better. I should have stopped it. And what makes it worse is
that you started my class at 16".

"But we aint do nuttin till now".

"Yeah, barely a week after your 18th birthday. If this came out, it would look like
I....waited on this moment".

"But it's not going to come out...No Pun" I laughed, deciding I wasn't going to use
that word in this convo anymore.

"You promise, Miss Knowles?" he asked, looking at me heard.

"I promise, Mr. Carter" I smiled at him.

He leaned in to me and motioned me over. Oh my god. We were going to kiss for

the first time. How backwards. I felt more nervous for our first kiss than when I
had whipped out his penis. Different dynamics here. I had given him head. But
HE was kissing me.

His lips pressed against mine and I almost lost feeling in my pussy because of
how hard the arousal hit me. I wanted this man so much. Lust had completely
raped me of any other want or desire or longing in the world. And I felt 2 feet tall
as he kissed me and I kissed him back. I felt overwhelmed by emotion. He didn't
use tongue, like Tip had the first time we kissed, but our lips danced together as
did our heads.

When his hands reached for my thigh, something I mentally wasn't prepared for,
a loud rumble that caused both of us to panic as he jumped and my eyes
widened with shock. We were both so panicky and jumpy. It was only my cell
phone, vibrating against the door. Usually the vibrating was subtle, but my leg
was planted against the door so and my keys so it had made a louder noise. He
grabbed his heart and let out a huge sigh, closing his eyes and chuckling. The
same chuckle that comes out after a jump scare during a horror movie.

"Yo, I gotta get out of here. This shit has me on edge" he said.

I looked at the phone and it was Jarvis.

"Hold up ok?" I asked Carter.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Where you at? Michelle said you ain't came home yet and I don't see you at the
place" he pressed.

"...Um. I got a ride".

"From who?"

Mr. Carter was shaking his head at me and doing a throat slash.

"From one of my other friends" I lied.

"Well damn. You should call your people and let them know wassup. Michelle
calling me and asking where you at and I'm getting scared thinking your ass
walked home or some shit. Don't be scaring niggas like that. Call someone" he
barked.

"Ok. Well, sorry. I'm fine".

"Where you at? Michelle said she tried calling you a few times and that you ain't
home. So where you at now?"

"I'm just riding around with my friend...We're talking".

"Who, Tip?"

"No. Jarvis, can I just call you back?" I asked, seeing Carter staring at me.

"Call me back tonight, ho. We gotta talk about this bullshit from tonight, aight?"

"Ok. I will call you. Thanks for checking up on me and everything".

"Yeah whatever. I dislike your ass right now but I still love you. We'll fight later.
Talk to your 'friend'" he said.

I laughed, "Love you too. Bye".

Carter raised his eye and grinned, "Jarvis? The one that was in my class?"

"Yeah" I smirked, "We kinda had a fight tonight. He all overprotective though so
he was wondering if I had made it home".
"Anyway. Bee, can I just IM you tonight? I'm bout to have a heart attack thinking
Michelle is going to come out here or someone I knew is gonna recognize my car"
he said.

"IM? Haven't we moved past that? Why can't I call you?" I asked.

He laughed, "Ok. Call me. But call me before you call your friend" he said.

"Why?"

"To get our alibis together".

We kissed for a few more moments and then he backed off and rushed me out of
the car. When I walked into the house, Michelle was on the couch watching HBO.
She sat up when I walked through the door.

"Bee, where you been? You ain't answer none of my calls" she said.

"I'm sorry Shell. I was with a friend. We were talkin and stuff" I said, self
conscious of my breath and hoping it didn't smell of penis and cum.

"Friend? Tip?" she smiled.

"Um....No...Not Tip" I smiled back.

"Rihanna?" she asked.

"Yeah" I lied, hoping to God that it sounded believable.

"Hmm. Well I hope yall ain't doing no lesbo stuff, cuz she got you glowing girl"
Michelle smirked.

I laughed, "Never. But anyway I'm about to shower".

I walked into the hallway, hoping to hurry and get the hell out of there before I'd
have to think of another lie.

"How was the meeting?" she asked before I could.

"It was ok, I guess. Kinda boring".

"Was Mr. Carter there?" she asked.

"I think so" I screamed from the bathroom before shutting the door.

I just stared at myself in the mirror and cracked up laughing. If only Michelle
knew that her biggest fantasy had become my reality. I got in the shower, still
smiling from the nights events, and attempted to masturbate to the thoughts.
Michelle knocked on the door in the middle of it.

"Bee. I forgot to tell you. Rihanna called me for you a little bit ago" she said,
matter of factly.

I reached for my pants on the floor and pulled out my cellphone. I had missed
calls from Michelle and Rihanna. Wasn't a very good start to this lying thing.
Chapter 16

My ankles throbbed trying to hold a kneeling pose on the platform. I had already taken two
rests and didn't want to distract the artist anymore by taking a third break. This was the final
pose for the day, an hour long sketch, and as always the most physically grueling part of the
class. At the beginning of each session, I'd be nervous and reserved about my nudity but
everytime we reached that hour long pose, those feelings would be replaced by restlessness.

"Those that are drawing from the front. Capture her tremble. Her overheated muscles. Her
exhaustion. Those with a back view, draw that pain in her back. In her feet. The pressure on
her toes. It's more than just an image you are trying to capture. It's emotion too" Porter said.

I continued to hold pat although I didn't know if I could hold it much longer. I gnawed my
teeth together and closed my eyes, thinking I'd have to give up and take another break any
second now. I felt the burn all over my body, a burn equal to that of the most excruciating
exercise. The Yoga training had helped with my flexibility and stamina, but this right here
was torture. I started wobbling, and waved my arms like a see-saw to catch my balance. I
couldn't take it anymore. But I ended up being saved. Saved by the ringing timer. The hour
was finally over.

I stood up and exhaled a huge sigh of relief, stretching my legs and curling my feet to bring
the normal feeling back. I grabbed my kimino and quickly threw it around my body. Soft Jazz
was playing, the music I had requested be played during my sessions. When I looked back at
the students, only a few of them had started to pack up. The rest of them continued staring at
where I had been and drawing. I was no longer the subject. the ghost of my pose was and it
had their full attention.

"Great poses tonight, Beyonce" Porter whispered to me.

I nodded and smiled. He didn't give much compliments. So when he did, I knew they were
genuine.

I put on my slides and began walking towards the door so I could get dressed in the dressing
room. I had to hurry and get back to the school campus for the Government Meeting. I had
decided to go full throttle with both NAACP and Government , and with me taking another
heavy course load I didn't have much time for anything else.

When I left the dressing room, one of the older students Carson was waiting outside.

"Hey. You did great again today" he complimented.

"Thanks. But that last pose almost killed me" I smirked.

"You and me both".

"How so?" I asked, making my way towards the exit. He followed.

"I just have the hardest time drawing backs and shoulders. I hated my work tonight. Which is
why I want to ask you something" he said cautiously.

"Ask me what?"

"I have a studio at my place. I'm actually a photographer but I'm trying my luck with drawing
now. I was wondering if you could come by and I could have some more practice".

I was caught off guard by this. I had heard Rihanna talk about these private sessions but this
was the first time I had ever been approached about it.

"I understand it's kind of forward. Just thought I'd ask" he said.

"I'm kind of busy, with school and everything" I shrugged.

"I definitely understand. Well anyway, here is my card. If you decide to change your mind
just give me a call. I would work around your school schedule, weekend or weekday is fine by
me. Just let me know" he smiled, reaching in his pocket and handing his business card.

I took it and smiled softly, and he turned to walk away.

"Hey. Carson. How much would you pay?" I asked, curiously.

He chuckled, "I would pay for your gas to drive to my place and a flat fee. How about $200?"

"For one session?" I asked.

"Yeah. About 3 hours or so".

"Would it be ok if I brought a friend along?" I asked.

"Not a problem at all" he smiled.

"Ok. Well thanks for the offer. I'll think about it" I said.

We exchanged partings and went our separate ways. I immediately called Rihanna and asked
her about it.

"Carson is a cool guy. He's a photographer. Pretty good too" she said over the phone.
"If I did it, would you come with me?"

"Yeah I would. Just pick a day I could be there."

"Ok".

"Are you gonna do it?"

"I think so. I need to get that raggedy car fixed" I laughed.

"Don't call my shit raggedy. It worked fine till your ass started driving it" she laughed.

"Yeah well. It ain't working now".

"You just be happy I gave it to you. Damn you are so unappreciative".

"Girl you know I appreciate it. But I do find it highly suspicious that you got a new car, let me
drive your old one, and as soon as I do it stops working. AND you were tryna sell it to me.
Just think if I would have bought it?" I giggled.

"Yeah, yeah. I gotta take a shit. So unless you wanna hear, I will talk to you later" she
sneered.

"Uuggh. Bye!" I said, hanging up.

I looked at Carsons card. Carsons Photography was on the front. I put it in my purse and
walked to the bus stop. I had to hurry and get that car fixed so I wouldn't have to be taking the
bus everywhere. 200 bucks in one day didn't sound half bad, especially if I'd just be there for
three hours. That was the one thing I loved about this life modeling gig. I was so busy with
school that it left little time for me to actually work a job. And most places willing to hire a 18
year old college student were minimum wage type jobs where I'd have to work long hours
picking up after people in order to even pay half of my portion of the rent.

With the classes I was booked for, and the potential for extra income from private sessions
with the many artist looking for fresh models, I could work just a few days a week and make
twice as much as the minimum wage jobs. This left me time to handle all of my business at
school and kept me from having to go to my daddy for money. I knew he was surprised I had
made it this long. Almost the middle of September, and I hadn't asked him for a dime. I
decided I'd take Carson up on his offer.

**

Kelly, Michelle, and I went to the comedy show to see this new comic Katt Williams who was
blowing up. This was my late birthday gift from Kelly as she and I were unable to hang
together during the week I turned 18. Katt was a straight clown, having all three of us
cracking up.
After the show, we rode back in my newly fixed car, paid for by the private session I had that
week with Carson. I hadn't told anyone about my life modeling gig. Michelle was
dumbfounded as to how I was coming up with my half of the rent after I told her I didn't take
the waitress job. I would laugh it off and say I had another job. It bothered her to no end that
she couldn't figure out what it was.

"Bee, where you got this car from anyway?" Kelly asked, riding shotgun.

"RiRi gave it to me" I smiled.

Kelly raised her eyebrows, "She GAVE it to you? What kinda friend gives a chick a CAR?"

"Same thing I asked, Kel" Michelle said from the backseat, trying to instigate.

I laughed at both of them.

"She got her a new one. She gave me this one. I still had to put some work into it and
everything" I said.

"And that's another thing. Where are you getting money from to put work into this car?"
Michelle pressed me.

"My job" I grinned.

"But you ain't GOT no job...MAN!" Michelle laughed, like this was Martin and I was
Tommy.

"Shell I'm thinking Bee done got turned out by this Rihanna girl. Out late at night. Got money
out of nowhere. Giving her cars. Bee, you skrippin?" Kelly asked, so serious.

"No I ain't 'skrippin" I laughed.

"Then ya dawin SOMETHING that ain't right. And if you are hoing, then we gon fight" she
said.

"Yall is so damn nosey. I got a job. And no I ain't doing nothing sexual. No stripping, no
porn, no prostitution. None of that. But I just want to keep what I do on the hush for now. I
promise, it's nothing bad" I reasoned.

Kelly turned around and looked at Shell in the backseat. I giggled to myself because they
were so mad to be left on the outside. It was funny to me.

"I think she skrippin" Shell pronounced in a grin.

"Like Diamond from Players Club girl" Kelly added, as they high fived each other.

"And Rihanna might be like the one girl. Roxy" Michelle said, looking straight at me.

"Didn't Roxy turn Diamond out in the movie?" Kelly grilled at me.

"Yall, I SWEAR. I ain't stripping. And ain't no one turning me out. Rih is my friend" I
laughed, but trying to be serious.

"Then why come you ain't introduce us to her yet?" Kelly asked.

"Cuz she is crazy. I don't think yall would get her. I mean, Michelle has met her before at our
crib. Shell, what did you think of her?" I asked, looking in the rear view.

"I thought she was crazy. Cuts all over her body and saying all this crazy stuff. Clinically
crazy" Michelle grinned.

"I rest my case" I smiled.

"Ionknow, Bee. Still sounds kind of sketchy. Whatever you are doing through, be careful,
aight?" Kelly said.

"Kel. I didn't tell you that Bee lied to me about who she was out with the other night. Said she
was out with Rihanna, when Rihanna was looking for her. Bee is definitely doing something
sneaky" she insisted.

"Yaw need to get off me" I smirked.

My phone went off and from the special ring tone I knew it was Carter. I had programmed his
name into my phone as "Vicky". He lived on Victoria Avenue, so it was my code name for
him. I let it ring.
Kelly looked at me suspiciously.

"You ain't gon answer?" she pressed.

"Nah" I said, acting nonchalant about it.

"Uhmmm. Is it Tip? I bet it's Tip giving you this money. Got you carrying his drugs in your
ass or something" Kelly said trying to pry. She was trying to put all of these pieces together
but was so off track.

Eventually they got tired of me dodging their questions and we talked about Katt, Quenton,
and then Michelle not having a man.

"Yeah girl, we gotta hook you up with someone. You can't be the only one not getting no
play" Kelly said.

"Nah Kelly. I tried the blind date thing once. I'm not doing it again" she smirked.

"Well, don't let the cobwebs get in ya pussy. I know Bee fast ass is gonna be f*cking soon, if
she ain't doing it already" Kelly looked at me, "so ima need you to get some action to so we
don't seem like the only hos".

"If the right guy comes along, maybe. But like I told Bee. I ain't here for all that. I'm trying to
keep my virginity as long as humanly possible. My wedding night, hopefully".

"Well then we need to get you murrried then" I laughed.

"What's your type, Shell? I'm serious. I got some nice looking male friends at TCC. Smart
guys. Got their heads on straight. Got a job".

"Then why you choose Quenton?" I joked.

She side eyed me.

"Ima let that one slide, Clifford" she rolled her eyes, "But yeah. I can hook you up with one of
em".

"I don't really have a type" Michelle shrugged.

"Oh everyone has a type. Who get your pussy wet? And don't say your pussy don't get why"
Kelly smirked.

"Oh she has a type, Kel" I smirked mischievously.

"Who?" Kelly asked.

Michelle and I caught each other in the rear view. And then I remembered that I had told
Kelly about my crush. I should have kept my big mouth closed.

"Who, girl?" Kelly asked again.

"She's talking about our teacher. Mr. Carter" Michelle answered.

Kelly looked like she had seen a ghost. She looked at me, then took a deep breath and held in
her shocked grin.

"What?" Michelle asked.

I was hoping to God Kelly didn't say anything about what I had told her. But she knew me
well enough to know what the look on my face meant. She knew how to play things down.
And push to shove, she knew Michelle was just a casual friend. The new girl. I was her bestie.
She would always have my back first.

"Well do your thing then Shell. Although Bee told me he is ugly. Wear some Bill Cosby
sweaters" Kelly joked.

Michelle grinned, "Well that's what I like. He is fine to me. Forget all yall. I'll keep him to
myself".

We all laughed, although Kelly and my laugh was disingenuous. We made it to Kelly and
Quentons crib talking mostly about celebs we'd f*ck and then finished our conversation
talking about church. Don't ask me how we went from riding Tyrese's face to praising God.

**

"Hey" I said sheepishly when I was out of my clothes and laying in bed.

"Sup" Carter said smoothly, so pleasing to my ears.

"Just getting home. Sorry I missed your call, but I was around people" I said.

"No problem. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. We went to go see Katt Williams. He was so funny".

"Katt? Yeah I got one of his DVDs. I thought the DVD was wack though. I don't like his
gimmick".

"You don't like anything. So critical. You should be a critic" I teased.

"I'm picky, what can I say? Highest quality for me" he said.

"Like me?" I smirked.

"Like you" he answered.

Carter and I had talked everyday since I had seduced him in the car. We didn't speak on what
had happened, but the knowledge of it happening was enough to make every single comment
we made sexually charged. It was even worse when I had attended class that week, deciding I
didn't want to drop it, and we kept glancing towards each other. There was something entirely
rewarding about seeing him smirk at me after I had given him head almost a week earlier.
Something so dirty and bad about it.

It hadn't even sank in yet that I had actually given someone head. I had always been so
reserved. But the more time I spent with Rihannas free spirited ass, the more I started to view
sex as something I could do without the rules I had placed on it before her. I was still a virgin,
but I would be willing to lose it to Carter when and wherever he wanted. Tip and I talked a
few times, but I remained distant from him. He would ask if I was ok and I'd give the age old
excuse that I was just busy. I guess he was wondering how I had went from hot and bothered
in his car, letting him feel me up as we french kissed, to barely even answering when he
called. Carter had that much of an influence on me.

He was so different from anyone else I'd ever taken a liking to. To compare Tip and Carter
would be like comparing a comic book to a novel. Sure, I still liked Tip. He was funny and
had a colorful personality. But there wasn't any depth there. There was so much more to
explore with Carter. So many areas of him I wanted to see and touch and connect with. And
through our phone conversations, I became more familiar with who he really was.

He was an oldies head. Listened to a lot of older musical artist like Teena Marie and Michael
Jackson and Aretha Ray Charles. Tip mostly liked artist from the 90's onward. Carter liked
movies like The Godfather, and Vertigo, and 2001 Space Odyssey, while Tip liked Menance
To Society and Baby Boy and Oceans 11. Even their taste in horror movies were night and
day. Tip loved Hostel and Scream and Tales from the Hood. Carter liked Physcho and The
Shining and the original Halloween. I felt slightly alienated from Carters taste at first, but the
way he spoke of his likes made me want to experience them myself so I could be more in tune
with him.

If he said Katt Williams was wack, then I wanted to know who he liked instead.

"So who you like? What comedians?"

"I'm more of a Richard Pryor, Paul Mooney, Robin Williams, early Eddie Murphy type. But
from the new school, I'm feeling Dave Chapelle. Chris Rock is cool. Jerry Seinfeld is
probably my favorite though".

"Seinfeld? From that TV show?"

"Yeah. You don't like Seinfeld?" he asked.

"Um. Not really. It was always kind of boring to me. I ain't get it" I shrugged.

He started laughing.

"You just lost a massive amount of points, Beyonce. We have to have a marathon of nothing
but Seinfeld" he laughed.

"Well, how can I make up for it?" I smirked.

"By coming with me to New York next weekend".

"New York??" I gasped.

"Yeah. I need to go there for an event. Speaking engagement. But on Saturday I want to go to
a show. I can take you. Let you see the city".

"Wow...I...Wasn't expecting that" I said, wrapping my head around the offer.

He chuckled, "You don't gotta answer tonight. Sleep on it and tell me in the morning".
"It's not that I dont want to go. I do. But. What would I tell Michelle? How would we keep
that a secret?"

"I'd handle the tickets. They wouldn't trace back to you, or anything. And I don't ride coach"
he grinned, "And just tell Michelle you need to get away for a few days. Take your car and
park it at my house" he said.

"...Ok. I think I can do that. Wow, though. New York City? Are you going to visit your
family?"

"Nah. My family and I don't really speak at the moment" he said, as if he didn't want to go
further. I decided not to push it.

"I'll go" I said, feeling all kinds of butterflies.

"Cool. Bring a nice dress for the Broadway and then some comfortable shoes so I can show
you around the city" he said.

"Yes sir" I teased.

"You tryna be funny?" he grinned.

"No. I just like when you take charge like that. Telling me what to do. It's sexy".

He laughed to himself.

"Well I'm not saying it to be sexy. But if you want to walk around the city in heels and wear
jeans to a Broadway then gon head".

"How nice of a dress do it gotta be?"

"The one you wore to the banquet is fine" he insisted.

"That ugly thing?" I whined.

"How bout this. We can shop for a dress for you once we get there. Just bring you some
comfortable shoes".

"Carter. Why are you always fronting like you don't have money?" I laughed.

"I don't" he said simply.

"Yeah right. A teacher can't afford all the stuff you be wearing and doing".

"But I'm a drug dealer too. Remember?" he said before laughing.

The way that rolled off his tongue cut deep. I had all but forgotten about that. There was
nothing really about him that suggested he was involved in illegal activity. But the cars, the
trips, the expensive clothes. Could it really be TRUE?

".....are you?"

He laughed, "No. I'm not I'm just teasing".

Solo was calling me. She had just gotten her phone back and since it was late I figured it was
important. I had to answer.

"Carter, can I call you back? My sister is calling me" I said.

"Just call me in the morning. I'm about to go to sleep" he said.

"Ok. Night".

"Godspeed" he said.

I clicked over.

"Hello"

"Hey, Bee" she said, sounding upbeat.

"Hey girl. Wassup? Why you sounding so giddy" I smiled.

"Daddy got me a car" she laughed.

"For real?? You lying" I spat in disbelief.

"Nah, I couldn't believe it either. But Momma and him went and got me one. Been driving it
around all day today" she said.

"Wow. Really? I thought they was having money problems" I said.

"Well, we are. But they said I needed one and that they trusted me. Handed me the keys. And
that was that. I thought it was a test at first and still kinda do. Kinda why I'm calling you.
Tryna see what you think about the whole thing".

"I think its weird they got you one but wouldn't give me the money for me to get one" I said.

"Beats me. But I ain't complaining" she laughed.

"How you doing?" I asked.

"I'm aight".

"How my nephew doing?"

She laughed, "Why are you so sure it's a boy? I'm thinking it's gon be a girl".

"Cuz Knowles girls have suffered enough. We need a Knowles boy in this family" I said
seriously.

"What about Ricky? He is a Knowles" she joked.

"He is a little punk. That's what he is" I said.

"Girl, he ain't little no more. This nigga is towering over everyone now. Playing basketball
and everything. Wait till you see him" she said.

"Forget him. I'm tryna see you. And that belly bump" I teased.

"When are you coming? Thanksgiving?"

"I don't know yet. But I will definitely come home for Christmas break. I promise" I said.

"I'm pose to deliver in December"

"I know. Which is why I'm coming then" I laughed.

We talked some more, and I caught her up on how school is going. I didn't mention Carter or
the life modeling but I told her about Tip, which had her interest. She said for the first time,
she wasn't dating any guys and was strictly focused on getting ready to be a mommy. Said she
had been going to church more and that she had a job. The best news she told me was that
after the baby was born, daddy had told her he would pay for her to go to school at one of the
local colleges.

It was funny. I didn't know where Carter was getting his money. No one knew where I was
getting my money. And I didn't know where my parents were getting the money to buy Solo a
car and send her to college. Financial mystery surrounded everyone.

**

Jarvis ended up being President of NAACP for the upcoming year, and was appointed by Mr.
C at the next meeting. Although the open meeting was only twice a month, the members met
more times to discuss what we'd be talking about and doing in the community.

Jarvis was a natural for President. He was intelligent, holding a 3.7 GPA as a Pre-Med student
and was also outspoken and easy to get along with. Along with being the face of the
organization for the students at FAMU, he also got to hand pick who he wanted on the
committee with him. As most Presidents did, he appointed a mix of friends and other Greeks.
I was the only non-greek on the committee, which causes some dissension amongst those who
didn't make it. Jarvis went out on the limb for me to do that. Nicki would serve as his Vice
President while I would be his second Vice President. The only bad thing about it would be
that Nicki and I would have to be around each other at least four times a month. I definitely
wasn't looking forward to that.

Sitting in Mr. Carters class on Friday morning, and knowing we'd be leaving for New York
that evening had me having hot flashes. I couldn't even concentrate. I think it was even
affecting him, because he was stuttering and seemed more empty headed than usual. I couldn't
help but think of what we'd do once we were alone in the hotel. He had told me that we had
separate beds and everything, but I didn't understand why.

I didn't even get what we were at this point. We flirted and talked a lot, but there was no
clarity. Was I his girlfriend? I had sucked his dick. So I had to be something. I tossed these
thoughts in my head and eventually came to the conclusion that me and him would
consummate our relationship on the trip. We'd have sex, I'd lose my virginity, and then we
could say we were together.

This both excited and scared me. I had lied to him and told him I was a virgin. And after I had
confidently given him head, even if it was based on false bravado, I was sure he expected me
to be good in bed. What if I wasn't? Would he be able to tell I was a virgin? My hymen had
already broken, long ago, so I wasn't worried about that revealing my lie, but I was afraid my
inexperience would.

I figured I'd have to tell him before we had sex so he could prepare for being the one to take
it. I nervously smiled to myself and ran it all through my head. I was going to lose my
virginity this weekend. I was sure of it. Michelle passed me a note.

You've been daydreaming all class. Wats up?

I laughed at the note and decided this would be the time to start my lie.

Nothing. I just need a break from school. I think ima go get away this weekn

And go where? You want me to come with you?

Just driving...to a hotel or something....and nah...i wanna just relax alone

She looked at me and nodded her head then shrugged and refocused on the teacher. I
wondered if I had hurt her feelings. I could tell Michelle had put more effort into us becoming
close lately. Maybe she felt a certain way about me spending so much time with Rihanna, or
that I wouldn't tell her what I was doing for money. I figured at some point I would have to
throw her a bone. I'd have to let her know in some way that I trusted her as a friend and that I
could share a secret with her. I just didn't know which secret I'd trust her with. I guess that
was the problem all in itself. If I had to wonder, then why would I tell her?

When the class was out, about 30 minutes early to the excitement of the students, I walked
passed Carter and smiled.

"See you next week Mr. C" I grinned.

He laughed to himself and focused on the next batch of students who were talking to him. I
drove back home so I could pack my bags, and Michelle looked out the window.

"Shell" I said.

She turned and looked at me.

"I'm modeling on the side. That's how I'm getting my money. I just didn't want anyone to
really know because I'm tired of people hating on me for no reason. I know models get teased
a lot" I said.

"Model?" she asked.

"Yeah. For art students. Pays like 20 to 30 dollars and hour and I do it a few times a week.
That is where Rih would take me when she came to get me early" I said, as we stopped at a
red light.

She smiled, "I wouldn't have even thought about modeling. Although you definitely pretty
enough".

I laughed, "Yeah, well. It's only a temporary thing. When they get tired of drawing me, I will
be out of a job. I'd have to bust tables".
"Well try to keep that job as long as possible. Cuz we're living good right now. I ain't tryna go
back to eating Ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner" she joked.

"Shoot. I still will eat some noodles for breakfast. The shrimp one is goood" I smirked.

We shared a laugh, then she returned to looking serious.

"Bee. Are you really just going to get away? I don't know. I just get kind of worried when you
do things so secretly" she said.

"I promise. I just need a break from Tally. I think ima drive to Atlanta or something. Just stay
for a few days. Get away. I'll be back by Monday morning" I insisted, in my most believable
voice.

She smiled and accepted my response. I packed my bags, just a few days worth of outfits,
several pairs of underwear, my girl shit, and some shoes, and I pulled out of the driveway by 2
PM. I headed straight to Mr. Carters house and parked.

I called him to let him know I was there and he told me he was on his way and would be there
in less than 15 minutes. I hung up and tried to once again calm myself. The butterflies were
eating me alive. The mysteriousness of everything. The fact that I was going to go away with
this man, without really having a clue as to what we were going to do. Well, I had a clue, but
we could have sex anywhere, including his house. Why would we go all the way to New York
just for that?

Somewhere between me closing my eyes to block the sun from shining in my eye and
thinking about Carter, I dozed off. He startled me when he tapped on the window, slob
coming down my face. He was laughing at this.
"First the chocolate, now this? You need a bib" he grinned as I opened the door.

"Ha-Ha" I said with an attitude, wiping my mouth.

He extended his hand and helped me out of the car, like he was a gentleman. I didn't buy it. I
still had an attitude since he still had a smirk on his face. He took it upon himself to open my
backdoor and get my bags out, carrying them to his home. He opened the door, put the bags
inside threw my my keys.

"Pull into my garage" he said.

I got back in the car as he used his keys to open up the garage doors. I cranked up and pulled
inside. He showed up from a door inside his crib that led inside the garage and motioned for
me to follow him. I took a deep breath, really anxious and nervous to being in a place so
foreign to me, but I followed his lead. His place was ridiculously clean and smelled great.
Like a mix of incense and fresh air. It reminded me of his wardrobe. Sophisticated yet with
much personality. It fit him.

"You want a drink or something?" he asked, trying to be a kind host.

"Some wine" I teased.

"I ain't supplying you with alcohol" he laughed.

"You got anything diet?" I asked.

"Diet? Girl, why you drinking diet anything? Not an ounce of fat on you".

"Well if you had seen me earlier this year you would have seen a bunch of fat. I lost like 25
pounds" I said.

"You didn't need to lose it. You looked nice, to me".

"Nice. Well I don't wanna look nice. I wanna look good" I rolled my eyes.
He shook his head and went to the fridge. I followed. His kitchen was equally as clean as the
living room. I didn't know if I liked his place being this clean. My room was a little messy.
Made me feel insecure. Like if I would to drop a crumb on the floor he would throw a fit.

He opened his fridge then reached towards the bottom. His body shielded me from seeing
what all he had in there. He came back with a bottle of water.

"This is very diet friendly" he smirked, before tossing it to me.

"I want juice" I pouted.

"Ahh, drink that water and hush up" he said, walking out of the kitchen and leaving me
grinning.

He showed me around, it was a three bedroom home, three bath, home, although one of the
rooms was made into an office.

"And what about the other room?" I evily smiled.

"It's for my daughter, when she comes to visit" he said simply.

"How old is she?" I asked.

"11" he replied, walking away from the room.

"Wow. She only 7 years younger than me" I teased.

He didn't respond to my teasing at all. In fact, he totally ignored it and showed me the master
bedroom. It was the only spot in the crib that looked even a little messy. And that was only
because the bed was unmade and he had bags sitting on the bed. What caught me eye was a
huge walk in closet right across from his bathroom.

"Can I?" I asked excitedly.

"Go ahead" he said softly.

I nearly ran my ass to the closet, filled exclusively with coats and shoes and sweaters and
pants, all pressed, clean, and smelling fresh. I loved it. I also made it my point to check for
any female clothing. I don't know why, I just though I should look just to be sure. But I hadn't
seen a trace of femininity in the entire house, from the bathrooms to the rooms. I had no
reason to not believe him when he said he was single.

"Did the house come with this?" I asked.

"Nah. This was a four bedroom. But what did I need four bedrooms for? I turned one of the
bedrooms into this closet" he said.

We ended up sitting on his bed and chit chatting for a moment. I was happy that I felt
comfortable around him. I was afraid I might act so goofy or young then he would be turned
off. But he seemed relaxed and to be enjoying our time together, which made me relax.

"How are we getting to the airport?" I asked.

"I got someone picking us up" he said.

"Someone like who?"

"Taxi" he grinned.

"Oh. Thought it was more dangerous than that".

"It's dangerous me being with you period. I'm stressing even making it through the airport
without anyone spotting us" he said.

"You having second thoughts?" I asked.

"I had second thoughts last night".

"Then why you gonna go through with it?"

"Cuz I don't want to b*tch out" he said, teasing something I had previously said.

We looked at each other for a few moments. Was this THAT moment, I thought? I had forgot
that I figured we'd end up having sex this weekend. But I didn't think it would be this early. I
had packed some of my best underwear and shaven this morning, but I still hadn't mentally
prepared for it to happen so soon. We just got here.

"I'm about to shower. Taxi should be here in like an hour. Make yourself at home, aight?" he
said.

I nodded my head and he made his way into the bathroom. I sighed a relief. Whew. Ok, so sex
would come later. I went into his kitchen and got me some juice then walked around some
more. I went into the room he had reserved for his daughter. It was pretty basic. A bed, some
random pieces of art on the wall, and no clothes in the closet. I looked in the drawers and they
were empty too. I wondered when the last time she had come to visit him. There was a lot
about him and her that I wanted to know. I just didn't want to push him if he wasn't ready to
talk about it.

I remembered how Rih had been so reluctant to share her story with me. I figured Carter was
having similar thoughts. I would find a way to slip more questions about his childs mother
and his daughter, but I wouldn't press him. I didn't want to do anything to make him clam up.
I went into his office and looked around. It was filled with books on one end, and a iMac was
on the other. I wondered if this was the computer he used to chat with me. Then I remembered
he said he was laying in bed when we talked. Must have been on a laptop. I guess this was
strictly for business. I wanted to log in and see what was in his internet history and on the
hard drive, but I decided against snooping that much.

Instead, I sat down in the chair and spun around a few times. When I let go the last time I
landed in a direction where my eyes were in the direct line of vision with a photobook on his
bookshelf. I rolled over to it, grabbed the book and opened.

The first few photos were pictures I had already seen, the ones I used in the documentary. But
as I flipped the pages, I saw pictures that he hadn't shown. Pictures of him as a child, with a
dark skinned lady and a lighter skinned man. Were these his parents? I then saw pictures of
him with other kids, I figured these were his siblings. Two girls, they looked older, and one
boy that was clearly older. I looked into his eyes, and he looked so happy.
I started cracking up when I came to one of his childhood graduation pics. He was such a
goofy looking boy, but so adorable. Aww. Mr. Carter.

At a certain point, pictures of Carter as a child stopped. There were no more pictures of him
as a kid with his family. No teen pictures, none of him past a child. I flipped to the last page,
and they were all pictures of a little girl. First baby pictures, then what I assumed was the
same girl as a toddler, and then her even older. This had to be his daughter. And none of her
pictures had him in the picture. Most of them looked like school pictures. The pics you took at
school for that one day where you dressed up, and then your parents sent them to family
members.

"Having fun?" he spoke, startling me as I dropped the book closed in my lap.

"You scared me" I said, holding my chest.

"I guess you saw her" he said, walking towards me.

"Your daughter, right?" I asked.

"Yeah" he responded.

"She is so pretty. She must get her good looks from her mom" I joked.

He wasn't in the joking mood. I slumped my shoulders, sorry that had come out of my mouth.

"Sorry. Was just joking" I said.

"She got all of her looks from her mother" he said, extending his hand and pulling me up.

He was dressed in a hoody and blue jeans, something I had never seen him wear before. I
wondered if this was a disguise or something.

"What's her name?" I asked.

"Shaun" he replied.

"Aww. She was named after you?"

He nodded his head.

"That's so sweet. When was the last time you saw her?"

He chuckled to himself, went for the photobook and then returned it to the bookshelf.

"Taxi should be here in a minute. Come on" he said, bypassing my question and leading me
out of the room.

Our ride to the airport was quiet. He had his hoody on along with sunglasses. He looked so
different than what i was use to. He looked younger too. I did miss his usual kind face,
though. He looked so much more distant. And I first noticed it after I had asked questions
about his daughter. He would whisper things to me on the sly, but nothing that suggested he
still wasn't over me prying into his personal life.

He paid the driver and we made our way to catch the flight. We walked some distance apart,
and he mostly kept his head towards the floor and his hands in his pocket. For the first time, I
really started to feel uncomfortable about this entire thing. I felt the distance and disconnect.
But what was I going to do now? Back out? After all of the instance I had put into it? I hoped
this was just a small, necessarily evil for our relationship and that the fun loving man I had
fallen for would return once we were in the hotel and exploring the city. We boarded the
plane and I sat on the inside. I was nervous. Flying away from home with my teacher. What
would my parents think? What would Michelle think? I started to worry. I should have told
someone where I was going and who I was with. SOMEONE. Rihanna or Solo or Kelly.
Someone should have known I was going away with him. I had handled this so wrong.

Maybe Carter felt the worry, or maybe he finally felt comfortable enough to return to the guy
I knew, but he brought a great sense of comfort to me when grabbed my hand on the low. We
held hands as the plane took off.

Chapter 17

The ride from Florida to New York was a high for me. My first time flying first class and my
first time flying away with a man. Carter returned to normal after takeoff, making jokes and
trying to make sure I was ok. They served dinner for us, but I was too nervous to really eat
anything. I ended up just picking from his plate, which he didn't mind. He said he wasn't that
hungry anyway. We held hands for the majority of the flight, so long that when we let go, it
felt foreign and cold from the sweat that had built up.

"And there is the city" he said, pointing out the window as we were approaching our stop.

My heart did a few flips when i saw the night skyline of the city that never slept. It was
beautiful.

When we had stopped, we let go of each others hand, still a bit nervous of any surrounding
people watching us, but we remained jovial. Once we got our bags and we immediately got in
one of the many Taxi's surrounding. It seemed as if the entire city street was made of Taxi's. I
was so taken back because it i was intimidating. It didn't seem to phase Carter, though. Then
again, he was born here. This was home.

We returned to holding hands during the ride into Manhattan, which was surprisingly long of
a ride. I didn't mind though. My emotions were into overdrive and I needed to process them
all. Too many feelings were rushing through me. Excitement and knowing I was in New York
City. Fear, knowing I was so far from home and familiarity. But I also felt comforted, holding
hands with the man that knew this place like the back of his. I knew I was protected. And in
the soft but firm embrace of his hands, I knew he was glad I was here with him.

Walking into the hotel room with him still holding my hands made me feel special. Not
special in the way that I felt being with Tip with everyone watching. The opposite effect. No
one was watching Carter and me, but that is how we wanted it to be. We didn't need
validation from anyone else. Through all of the fears he had, he still had went through with
this. That made this so special. And I valued our simple but powerful sign of trust.

It was late, a late Friday night, and after we made it in, he got the room situated the way he
wanted. TV on ESPN, his clothes hung on the hangers, and his cologne and other male
grooming items placed on the table. I followed his lead and put my clothes in the drawers,
although I kept the lingerie I had bought in my bag. That would be a surprise, if our trip took
that route.

"I gotta get up early tomorrow. I speak around 9:30 and then we can go shopping so you can
have something to wear when we go to the show tomorrow night" he said.

"What should I wear to the speaking thing?" I asked.

"I can't run that risk. There will be cameras and stuff. You just stay here. I'll be back as soon
as I can. Then we will have the rest of the weekend together, aight?" he said.

"Alright".

We ended up changing into night clothes, I had an over-sized T on with shorts and he had a
tank top with shorts. I still wondered if we were going to use separate beds, but when he got
on the one on the end and didn't look as if he expected me to join him, I slipped into the other
bed.

"Man, I have so many missed calls and text right now" I said, checking my phone.

"Are you good?" he asked, looking over at me concerned.

"Yeah I can handle it. Mostly just from friends. I got one missed call from my mom. I will
call her tomorrow" I said.

He nodded without a word and laid back on his pillow.

"Why we gotta watch ESPN though?" I laughed.

"What you wanna watch?" he smiled.

"Lifetime" I said.

"Let me think about that.........no" he chuckled.

"Ahh, why not?"

"That's the man bashing channel. But I forgot, that's all you new aged feminist like doing" he
smiled.

I laughed, "Ok. So yeah its some man bashing on there. But my girl Rihanna has me addicted
to it now. It's so funny, the movies on there".

"That shit ain't funny. It's about as bad as soap operas".

"Man, do you like ANYTHING?" I barked.

"Seinfeld" he laughed.

"If you make me watch a marathon of Seinfeld then Ima make ya watch a marathon of
Lifetime" I said.

"Keep thinking you got pull like that" he grinned.

"I don't?" I gasped, shocked smile on my face, "Then what do you call this?!" I said, pointing
out that I was in a hotel with him in another state.

He laughed, cut off the lamp on the side of his bed and the tossed me the remote.

"Watch your man bashing shit. Godspeed" he said, turning in his bed.

I wondered if there would be more to our first night here. I hoped there would be. But there
wasn't. He went right on to sleep. And I channel surfed and wondered if the rest of the trip
would be spent in two separate beds.

**

Carter had already left by the time I woke up. I was freezing, having to walk over to the AC
which was at 65. How could men survive in such cold conditions? Then again, I was from
Texas, he was from up north. I had to remember that. I ended up texing Kelly, Jarvis,
Rihanna, Michelle, Solo, and my mom and telling them I went on a small road trip. None of
them seemed to like the idea, except Rih, who told me to sew my royal oats while there. I
laughed at her, then showered and got ready for the day.

Carter returned before noon, with Hoagies, and we ate before leaving to shop. For some odd
reason, I figured we'd go to a mall, or somewhere like Macys or Sears, but we went to some
expensive looking place on somewhere called firth avenue that I would never actually think to
stop in. When I looked at the first price tag I was ready to walk my ass right on out.

"$1,015 dollars?" I whispered , but loud enough for everyone, including the store clerks, to
hear.

"Shh. You gon have these white folk thinking we can't afford this" he whispered, smiling a
fake smile.

I looked at him then at the price of the boots, the single pair of boots and asked "CAN we?"

He laughed at me, "We can afford it. Just try to blend in. Act like you own the joint. Don't be
intimidated" he said in my ear, touching my shoulder.

The clerk walked up to us suspiciously, looking at me and then at him, before smiling.

"Yes. Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yes ma'am. We're looking for a dress for the young lady. Something contemporary.
Something appropriate for the Broadway" Carter smiled.

She looked over at me and I tried to not look so intimidated. I smiled and she forced a smile
with me.

"Ok. Well, come this way" she smiled as led us to a section of the store.

Over the next half an hour, I tried on so many different dresses and accessories, that I felt like
some sort of movie star. When he had said shop, this wasn't what I expected. I didn't expect to
be measured, and have them bring me clothes to try on, things that fit exactly what I said I
was looking for. Carter knew this, because he smiled the entire time it went on. When I would
try something on, I'd walk out he'd make a face and then give me a thumbs down. He didn't
seem to like any of it, although I LOVED each and every ensemble. It seemed his displeasure
was started to get on the clerks nerves. After I had tried on at least a dozen dresses, Carter said
he had seen enough. He did end up buying me a pair of ear rings, and afterward we left to go
to the next store.

We went to two more stores before he finally saw something he liked. It wasn't a dress, more
of a leather jacket skirt that went with leggings. Seeing him finally give me the thumbs up
made me feel tingly inside. I was happy that he was happy. I felt sexy and more womanly
than I had ever felt.

"That's the one" he smiled.

"You think? Finally?" I laughed.

He nodded his head and licked his lips. The store clerk at this particular store, a middle aged
white lady with a perpetuated frown on her face, smugly told us the price.

"That will be twelve hundred dollars".

Carter raised his eyebrow at her. I hadn't really seen him become annoyed before, but the look
on his face said it all.

"Yeah....thanks for the memo. Bag it" he smiled at the lady, before looking at me knowingly.

It was SUCH A TURN ON seeing him handle that bigot lady like that. We left the store
holding hands and went back to the hotel to drop my bags off. Then we went back out as he
acted as my tour guide. I was glad he had suggested comfortable shoes because it ended up
being an exhausting tour of the city. The one thing I hated was that he refused to take any
pictures with me. I had to settle on him taking pictures of me in front of tourist spots by
myself. I understood the issue though. I understood he couldn't take any chances.

We went back to the hotel after a few hours, showered, and got dressed, ready to go see Lion
King. He did his best Mufassa/James Earl Jone impersonation as we rode there. I was
completely lost in the fantasy of the day. I didn't feel like a college student anymore, or even
a teenager. I felt like a woman in every sense of the word. One that was getting a chance to
experience all of the finer things in life. Carter said he liked his things high quality, and he
had found a high quality woman.

As were ushered to our seats and when i sat down I literally had to calm my nerves because I
was overwhelmed by it all. This was an actual date. This wasn't a trip to the bowling alley
with Tip or the movies. This was a date that would end up totaling over a thousand dollars.
This was amazing.

"You ok?" he smiled at me, as I held the program and we waited for everyone to be seated.

"I'm more than ok" I smiled back at him.

The lights dimmed, the thunderous roar of the male vocalist rung across the room, and Carter
reached for my hand. I was falling in love.

**

I couldn't understand why. For the second night, this time after an amazing day and romantic
date, we were both sleeping in separate beds. I couldn't believe it. He was sleeping, and I was
under the covers in the dark wondering why. I wanted him to want me as bad as I wanted him.
What was he waiting for? I had showered, shaved again, and applied my favorite lotion all
over my body but when I had come out of the bathroom he was under the covers sleeping. I
thought about just sliding in his bed, but I didn't out of not knowing how he would react.

Why wouldn't he touch me? The way he would tenderly hold and caress my hand would send
chills through my entire body. But it was my entire body that was otherwise being neglected. I
was horny and I needed some type of physical contact. Even if we didn't have sex, why
couldn't he rub me or kiss me or hold me in his arms?

Did this mean as much to him as it was meaning to me? Was he still afraid? Would I have to
make the first move? He was such a take charge man in every other way, why would I have to
force him to touch me? I had done it the first night in the car, but that was different. That was
out of desperation. We were more settled in now. I had even taking a trip with him, but I was
laying in bed sexually frustrated and emotionally bent out of shape while he was snoring. It
made no sense. And we just had one more day here to be together. One more chance.

**

The lights chased away the darkness as the credits filled the screen. The tears that had dried
on my face remained visible. I felt lightheaded but so full of riveting emotion. Tears that were
birthed from happiness and sadness and other paradoxes. I felt like I had just finished riding a
roller coaster, and holding my hand, was the man that had convinced me to take the ride.
"You crying?" Carter asked me as other people started rising from their seats.

I blinked and laughed away the happy tears.

"That was...so beautiful" I said, wanting to cry just thinking about how much the movie had
surprised me.

"And you said you wouldn't be able to follow it because of the subtitles" Carter laughed,
rising from his seat and pulling me up.

He had the popcorn we had shared in his arm, and I picked up the drink with my hand we we
began walking out of the theater.

"You want anymore of this?" he said, pointing at the bag of popcorn.

I shook my head, wiping my eyes and still trying to get over the movie.

He laughed, "You bet not. You nearly ate the entire thing" he said as he tossed the bag in the
trash. I followed by throwing the soda away and playfully shoving him.

"Yeah well when captivated by a movie, I eat" I smirked.

"Ima keep that in mind for next time. We don't even need to have dinner tonight" he teased.

"OOO. Lets get another one of those pizzas" I smiled.

"Girl. You done had hotdogs and pizzas and popcorn and M&Ms. What kinda diet are you
on?" he joked.

"I'm on vacation. I'll work all this off when I get back to reality" I smiled.

We held hands and walked out of the theater joking on each other. We had went to see The
Diving Bell and the Butterfly, a french movie that recollects the events of a dying mans life.
The way the movie was shot, the atmosphere, the colors, the music, the plot, everything about
it had me drawn in. I always just thought Carter was just a movie snob, but maybe there was
more to it than that. That was a REALLY good movie, and it had made me cry. I didn't think
I'd like seeing a movie in french, but I had been proven wrong. I think he was happy that I
enjoyed it so much.

It had been a long day. We got up early, had breakfast at this bagel place he loved, then we
went to a museum, where he showed me some of his favorite art. I was tempted to tell him
about my life modeling, but decided against it. I figured I would tell him in time. We stopped
on a corner and got few hotdogs and after touring Central Park he took me to a Pizzeria to get
what he called a "real pizza". He said he wasn't hungry, and maybe I wasn't either, but I just
wanted to keep eating whatever he would put in front of me. He got a kick out of seeing me
eat so much, especially since he said I was so small.

After the movie he suggested we eat at a restaurant but I was tired from the walking. Instead, I
begged him to take me to one of the McDonalds on Time Square. He laughed at me request.

"We come all the way our here. And you want to eat at McDonalds?"
I smirked, "Hey don't make fun. I wanna try it".

"ITS MCDONALDS" he stressed.

"Nah but it's in New York. It's different. I mean, it has lights outside and stuff like a
broadway. I just wanna taste it" I laughed.

He shook his head and gave in. When we got there he looked at the menu as if it was in
french. I knew exactly what I wanted.

"Can I get a Double Cheeseburger with Bigmac sauce, a medium fry with no salt, a 6 piece
chicken nugget with ranch and buffalo sauce, and a diet coke" I smiled.

He looked down at me like I had spoke hebrew. I shrugged and smiled.

"And what would you like sir?" the woman up front asked.

Carter frowned up his face and looked up at the menu again. It was so funny. He was so sure
and confident when ordering at fancy restaurants. But here, at Micky D's, he looked
uncomfortable and unsure. Like he was in a foreign country and everyone spoke a foreign
tongue.

"...Um...yeah, let me get...a hambuger...no tomatoes"

"It doesnt come with tomatoes, sir" the lady said.

Carter laughed and shook his head.

"Ok, Miss. What would you suggest for a man that hasn't eaten at McDonalds since the 90s?"

She smirked.

"The Fish Filets are pretty good".

"Ok, well give me that. The meal" Carter shrugged, still smiling.
They gave us our tray and we made it to a table, which had an empty ketchup package on it.
Carter almost had a fit.

"Yo, they don't clean this shit?" he said.

"Oh stop complaining and sit down" I laughed, pushing the package on the floor. Now he
turned his disgust to me.

"Litterer" he barked.

"Yeah whatever" I rolled my eyes, digging into my fries.

He opened the sandwich and was examining it like a doctor would his patient.

I laughed an annoyed laugh, "Why you lookin at it? Eat it. God. You are so picky".

"This don't even look like fish" he said, frowning his face and looking hard.

I rolled my eyes, "Ok well here. Want some of my nuggets?"

He picked one up, broke it in half and looked at the meat.

"This don't look like chicken" he said, still looking disgusted.

I laughed hard, "And what's next? The fries don't look like potatoes? Eat it or starve" I said,
double dipping a nugget and putting it in my mouth. I ain't have time to be looking at the food
under a microscope.

He ate, although he complained the entire time. When he was done, he still had several
handfulls of fries and about half of the fish sandwich left. I teased him as we threw away our
trash and left, catching a taxi so we could head back to the hotel. It had been such a long day.
But it had been the best day so far. I had gotten a chance to spend the entire day with him,
morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and now night. But it was the night part that had me
guessing if it would end as uneventful as the other nights had. We'd be leaving for Florida
early that morning so if I knew him well he would be going to sleep as soon as we got back to
the hotel, even though it was only 9:30.

I had to admit, I was tired too, so tired that as we rode, I laid my head on his shoulder as we
held hands. Holding his hand had become second nature. My hand felt empty unless his was
interlocked with mine. With my head on his shoulder he kissed my forehead, a first for us in
this little thing we had going on.

We made it to the room and he said he was going to shower. The last time he had done that,
he showered, then I did, but when I got out he was sleep. I refused to do it like that again.

"No. Let me shower first" I insisted.

"So you can take up all the hot water? No" he grinned.

"I won't take it all. I just wanna shower first. Ladies first" I said.

"Ain't you a feminist? Yall don't believe in gender roles or chivalry. Yall want equality. So
ima shower first since I called it first" he said, walking towards the bathroom.

I ran after him and then jumped on his back, falling straight on the bed. He was laughing
when he went face first into the mattress. I mushed his head down, hopped off, and ran right
into the bathroom, closing and locking the door.

"So that's how it's gonna be? It's like that?" he said from the outside of the door.

I laughed to myself.

"Ima be out in a lil bit, Shawn Carter" I smirked.

"Beyonce. If you take up all the hot water. Im leaving your ass here in NYC. Try me if you
think im playing" he laughed.

I hopped in the shower, sighing from the pleasure of the steaming hot water. I quickly
drenched my body with soap and cleaned hard and deep. This HAD to be the night. And even
if it wasn't, at the very least, we were going to cuddle. I just couldn't see him falling to sleep
on me again or not touching me. Even though I had shaved the previous night, I ran the razor
across my body again, just to get that baby smooth feel again. After about 10 minutes, he was
knocking on the door, warning me about not leaving him any hot water. I laughed, and
decided I'd make the shower last even longer just to mess with him.

After I could tell the steaming hot water was starting to become warm, I decided I'd get out. I
wanted both of us to be as clean and smooth as possible if what I thought was going to
happen, would happen. I wrapped myself in tons of hotel towels and walked out. He was
shaking his head and looking at his watch.

"22 minutes. The hot water better still be there" he said, before walking right past my grinning
ass.

Once I heard the shower cut on, I quickly dried myself, sitting naked on the bed and applying
lotion. I had to hurry up and get myself looking right and ready. Once I had myself smooth
and smelling good, I went for my bag and pulled out my lingerie. I was nervous about putting
it on, because it was be a blatant move on my part. But all was fair as far as I was concerned.

I put on the matching black panties and bra and got a battle of water to rehydrate. One thing
that was stressing me was how to present myself once he came out. Should I pay on the bed?
Should I be under the covers? Should I go on his bed? Or should I just pretend to be sleeping?
I decided against making things too hard for him and that I'd just lay on the bed, under the
covers but with my bra showing. I had slept in a Tshirt the other nights, but I would skip it
this night. Hopefully that would be enough of a sign for him.

I turned the TV on to MTV while I waited, trying to calm my nerves. I scrolled

through the channel guide seeing if anything good was on and then I came
across a few porn channels. What if? Nah, I couldn't do that. He would think I'm
some nympho if he came out and I had ordered a porn flick. Or maybe it would
turn him on, seeing me be so proactive. I didn't have time to decide because the
shower cut off and he was calling my name.

"Yea?"

"Could you order me some room service? I'm hungry as hell" he screamed.
I shook my head at this. We had just eaten at McDonalds and he was hungry.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Whatever pasta they have is fine" he yelled back.

I called room service and ordered a chicken Alfredo for him. By the time I had got
off the phone he was emerging from the bathroom, tshirt, and shorts on, just like
the other nights. He looked at me and walked right past me, even though my bra
was clearly showing.

"How long it's gon take?" he asked.

"They said 45 minutes".

And for the next 45 minutes, I watched him check his email on his macbook and
then make some phone calls to people. People were thanking him for his
speaking because he kept saying 'no problem' and 'i appreciate it' as he talked to
each of them. When there was a knock at the door, he was still on the phone. I
couldn't let room service see me in bra and panties.

I looked at Carter and he looked at me, still talking on the phone. He motioned for
me to get the door, completely oblivious that I was in bra and panties. How rude.
This man hadn't even noticed. I angrily huffed and puffed and snatched the
blanket off the bed and wrapped myself in it. He didn't notice me doing that
either.

I made it to the door where some guy was smiling with the box in his hand.

"Chicken Alfredo?" he smiled.

"Yeah" I said, grabbing the food, "Thanks" I said, closing the door in his face.

I scooted my way into the room, the covers dragging like a wedding dress, and
Carter laughed.

"Yo, ima have to call you back later, ok? Aight man. Thanks. Godspeed" he said
before clicking off.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked me.

I didn't say anything, just gave him his food and went back to my bed. I seriously
couldn't believe he hadn't noticed.

"Did you give homie a tip?" he asked me.

"No, you didn't tell me too" I said.

He nodded his head, "My bad" and opened the box, commenting on how good it
looked before opening a plastic fork and digging in. I watched him eat.
Frustrated. Angry. My feelings completely hurt. How could he be so caught up in
that food when I had been here all weekend and he hadn't even touched me
while in the room. I watched and eventually he noticed me watching.

"You want some? Sauce is really good" he said.

"No" I barked.

He went back to eating and focused on the TV. He hadn't even noticed I had an
attitude. He ate and finished and I had laid down, just staring emotionless at the
TV. He told me how good the food was, asked me if I was watching the TV, and
when i said no, he turned it off and cut off his lamp.

"Bee. I hope you had a great weekend. I'm glad I asked you to come" he said as
we lay in our separate beds in the dark.

I didn't say anything. I was pissed off and if I were to say anything I would have
said something immature.

"You heard me?" he asked.

"I heard you" I responded.

"You mad or something?"

"No" I lied, "Just confused".

"Confused about what?" he asked.

"About why you don't want to touch me" I said, having to calm myself because it
hurt emotionally to say it.

"Who said I don't want to touch you?" he said, repositioning himself in the bed.

I could see from the corner of my eye that he was now looking directly at me.

"You don't have to say it. Your actions speak loud and clear".

"Ok. Slow down for a sec. You're going to have to explain this to me. What have
my actions said?"

"Are you really this dumb?" I asked, past frustrated because he didn't even know
what I was talking about.

"Is it because we're in separate beds? I told you before hand we would be" he
said.

"But why?" I asked.

"Because its the right thing" he said.

"Oh My God, Shawn are we still talking about ethics right now? You make me feel
like a woman one minute and then treat me like a child the next. You are so hot
and cold that it's not even funny" I barked.

"Do you want me to come over in your bed?"

"No" I yelled.

"No? Then I'm really confused now. You're not making any sense".
"No. YOU aren't making any sense" I shot.

"Explain it to me, Bee. Explain what I'm not getting".

"You are just so dense. Carter I want you to want me. I want you to notice me.
You haven't even noticed I'm wearing lingerie or that I have have an attitude the
past hour. How could you simply ignore those things. It's like, why you even want
me here if you don't notice me?"

"I notice you, Bee. I noticed your lingerie. I noticed your pouting. I noticed it all. I
guess I'm just f*cked up over here" he sighed.

"What?"

"Bee. Ever since you said at the crib that you were only 7 years older than my
daughter, I've been tripping. I just can't wrap my head around this. I mean, I try
to see you for you. A woman I'm deeply attracted to and a woman I want to
touch, emotionally, physically, spiritually. But then, at the oddest times, I look at
you and I see your youth. I see your immaturity. And...I guess it reminds me. No,
it slaps it in my face that you are someone elses child. And then I get angry at
myself. I don't know. I'm just f*cked up trying to handle this shit the right way".

"Stop trying to do things the right way and just do it the way you want. If you
want me, then that is all that really matters. We are both adults" I said.

He chuckled.

"You don't think I'm an adult?" I barked.

"I don't know what I think Bee" he said.

"I guess you are right then. You just are f*cked up" I yelled, turning away from
him in bed an pulling the covers over me.

We laid there in silence for a long time. I thought for sure I'd cry, but I didn't.
Maybe Rih was rubbing off on me or maybe I was too hurt to cry. I felt empty.
Empty of tangible emotion that I could use to turn into tears. I felt like a fool, like
I had been picked up only to be let go.

"Beyonce. I haven't seen my daughter since she was 2. Not in person anyway.
Her mother and I just don't get along. Me and her didn't get along from the
beginning. We had what most people call a love/hate relationship. We loved hard
and fought even harder. And my child was conceived after we had broken up, but
had slipped into each others bed".

I still had my back turned, but I was wide awake and my ears was fully tuned in
to what he was saying. We were breaking a barrier here, and I could tell it was
taking a lot of courage for him to tell me this.

"When my daughter was born. I had a lot of anger built up in me. Anger because I
had a child out of wedlock with a woman I didn't wanna be with. But I was there. I
had to be. It was the right thing to do. When Shaun turned a year, someone
whispered in my ear, a mutual friend, that she might not be mine because her
mother had been sleeping around. I questioned her about it and we got into a
fight. I called her all types of names, she hit me. I stormed out. Told her I was
getting a paternity test. Over the next year I stopped supporting them. Both her
and the baby. I didn't believe she was mine. I didn't think she looked like me. She
was too light. I straight up denounced her" he said, his voice trembling.

"Did you take the test?" I asked, still turned the other way.

"Yeah. And she was mine. Like deep down, I knew she was. I had moved by then.
I was ashamed. She had gotten married and had the other guy calling her daddy.
Her family wanted to keep me away. So they did. Sure I had legal rights. I could
and should have fought it. But I didn't. I accepted it. When I did come around,
after I got my PHD. I contacted her and she ain't want me to just come into her
life now after being gone so long".

"If you haven't seen her in so long, why you have a room for your daughter?" I
asked.

"Her mom promised me she would explain to her the entire story and they would
work out a way for me to get her for a summer. She divorced the other guy, so I
guess she's more open to doing it now".

"Why not just use your legal rights to see her?" I asked.

"It's too ugly of a process. I'd rather just keep the state out of it. This summer,
they are both planning to come down".

"Have you talked to her?"

"Yeah. She explained to her that I was her dad not too long ago. It was your
documentary actually that made me force the issue. Shaun talked to me for a
little bit. But we didn't have much to say. She's very polite. Yes sir, no sir. Seems
so intelligent. And, I wasn't there for none of it. You think that makes me a bad
father?" he asked, as if I was the ethics teacher and he was the student.

"I don't think the story is complete. You can still be the father you want to be" I
encouraged.

"Yeah....well. I know this don't really relate to why you are mad at me. But I am
f*cked up. I have a lot of issues that make this situation hard for me, despite my
feelings for you" he said.

"I have issues too, Carter. And I was willing to push through them because I felt
the connection with you. I feel it every time we're close. And I just want you to
attempt so push past and just follow your heart" I said, hoping I was making
sense.

"The night you gave me head, Bee. How could the shy girl I thought I knew, just
do that?"

"Because I wanted to push past any boundaries I had within. And it was
something I wanted to do. I wanted to make you feel good and see that I could
make you feel good".

"You shocked me. But what shocked me most is that I couldn't stop you".
"Funny how you can't stop me but you can stop yourself" I said, sarcastically.

No words were exchanged for a few moments. I understood his position. But I still
thought he was holding back when he didn't need to. It wasn't even about sex
anymore. It was about pushing past what was holding us back.

"Some guy once told me the only way I think you will grow up was to severe the
ties with whatever was trying to keep tied down" I said.

He laughed out loud at this. And suddenly, unexpectedly and suddenly, he sat up.

"I'm tired of you having this over me" he said, rising from his bed and coming
over towards me.

I started to sit up but he softly nudged my back down.

"Just lay there. We're about to get even" he said with a thick coat of confidence,
almost like a threat.

I laid there and he yanked the blankets from over me. I squirmed out of instincts,
him seeing me in my bra and panties. I didn't even have time to reposition myself
and he had grabbed my legs and pulled me towards the edge of the bed,
forcefully. His hunger filled eyes focused on my submissive eyes.

He admired me for a second as my breathing picked up. This was what I had
been desiring. And with it here, I got scared. He stood inbetween my legs and
leaned in to me, planting a much longed for kiss on my lips. Not long enough to
make up for lost time, but it got both of our lips wet and christened the moment.

He knelled down, and starting kissing my legs, starting at my ankle. I became

overstimulated and immediately jumped at the touch of his lips gliding across my
skin. He kissed my legs softly, working his way up to the thigh and eventually to
my naval. My breathing had doubled in intensity, as I grabbed his head and let
his tongue work it's magic. He licked inside my naval then followed it up with
kisses to my belly, all while using his large but gentle hands to caress my hips.

I could fill my juices escaping my pussy and drenching my panties. I could feel
my blood pressure rising and the goosebumps poking out of my arms. The AC
was to 65, like always, but his warm tongue and lips working my lower body had
heated my body.

"You got goosebumps all over" he grinned, feeling my legs that went from baby
smooth to bumpy.

I bit my lip while looking at him and then laid my head down to relax. He took this
as his cue. He slowly ran his fingers across my stomach, the softness causing it to
both tingle and tickle, and stopped once his hands reached the center of my
body. My panties were soaked and he when he ran his thumb over my pussy lips,
even through the fabric of the panties, I almost lost it.

I was so wet, once he was down massaging the top of my panties, his fingers
were moist. He licked his index, the sight of it sending me into a frenzy, and then
leaned back down.

We kissed again, this time I wrapped my legs around his waist, where I could feel
his penis poking me. His shorts blocked the entrance as did my panties, but for a
moment, we pushed our private areas together. His erection dipped into my
pussy, it was the first form of penetration I had ever experienced. But it didn't
count. I still had on panties and he still had on shorts. We were dry humping.
Except there wasn't anything dry about my vagina.

He backed up off me and laughed to himself.

"I'm getting even" he said in a whisper before kneeling down again and reaching
for the top of my panties. He pulled them down slowly, reminiscent to when I had
pulled down his briefs. I lifted myself up so they could more easily slide down and
before I could even blink, my panties no longer hid my center, they were to my
ankles.

He stumbled over his own breathing at the sight of me, wet and waiting. He held
the panties in his hand after sliding it past my foot and then dropped the pussy
drenched fabric on the floor. I had instinctively closed my legs, he was standing
in-between them which made it impossible to do completely. He smirked at my
body trying to hide from him. Virgin bodies tended to do that.

He knelled down again and quickly rubbed his index across my slit, I gasped, and
he eyed me hard. ENOUGH already, I thought to myself. I guess he saw it in my
facial. He saw that I couldn't take the teasing anymore. I needed him the same
way he needed me.

He tongue kissed the entrance, my lips connecting with his. Once he started
sucking, I started moaning, unable to stop the tears from coming to my eyes. He
went back and forth from kissing and sucking, and eventually stuck his entire
tongue into my pussy, moving it around long enough for me to call for God
multiple times.

Carter ate me out and I ventured into a dreamworld. Where opposites were
interchangeable. and down seemed up and wrong seemed right. Pain and
pleasure was one. Love and lust was one. His tongue and my pussy was one.

I couldn't think straight. I wasn't thinking at all. I was dreaming. Dreaming while
being wide awake. And with each kiss to my clit, a wave of unexplainable
pleasure flooded me. With each suck of my clit, a shower of bliss drenched me. It
felt too good to be true. It felt too good for me to take. I felt as if I was...I was...I
was getting dizzy. And lightheaded. And...I couldn't.....Couldn't....BREATHE. I was
HOT and...and I was squirming...I couldn't keep STILL....I had to GRAB
something...his head was all my arms could reach...I felt his arms spread my legs
wide and high over my head. I felt like I was being curled into a ball...but he
licked, and I tried...to...remain calm. But I...just couldn't take....it.

I had a violent orgasm. It wasn't violent because the bed was shaking as if we
were in an earthquake, although it was. It wasn't violent because I had bit my lip
so hard that it had punctured and I was bleeding, even though I did. It was a
violent orgasm, because my strong legs had Carter in a deathlock. His licking of
my clit eventually led to him almost being suffocated from the sleeper hold
leglock I had his head in. He was moaning as I moaned and became acquainted
with heaven, except it was because he was about to meet Jesus as well.

He finally was able to push me off of him, but it was only because I lost feeling in
my weak legs as I took long and hard breaths, blood painting my tongue and
giving my tastebuds an unusual treat. Rihanna, I would never doubt you again
when you said pain could be pleasurable.

I looked towards the sky, trying to regain my vision. I felt like I was high,
especially when Carter came into focus, except three of him. I focused on the one
in the middle.

"You almost killed me, girl" he coughed, with a grin on his face.

I guess he had enjoyed his near death experience.

I panted, "I...I'm..."i'm sorry".

He cracked his neck and shook his head.

"I can't lie though. The pussy was to die for" he grinned.

I laughed, but hurt my ribs when I did. Still, I kept chuckling through the pain, as I
lay frozen in bed after having my first orgasm.

"We're even now. You did me. I did you. Now we can slow it down and go on
normal dates like regular people" he said after my breathing shallowed. All of a
sudden, I wanted sleep. I wanted to turn around, close my eyes, and sleep until
my body and mind returned to normal.

"Carter. I don't think things can ever go back to being normal between us" I said.

"Knowles. I know it can't".

**

We walked out of the hotel room holding hands. It was early, the sun barely
peaking in the sky. But I had slept well with Carter laying beside me. We didn't
end up having sex, like I figured we would, and I was technically still a virgin, but
we both knew we had twice had sex with each other. We couldn't swallow each
others juices and give each other orgasms and then turn around and say we
hadn't had sex, even if there had been no penetration. We were real giggly when
we woke up, or at least I was. He kept wondering why I kept smiling.

I couldn't help it. I was so....happy. The weekend had been amazing and I was
coming back to Florida having experience things I had never experienced. Not
just that, but I felt like I had learned a lot about the man I had fallen for. I didn't
tell him, but deep down I knew it. I was in love. The shit that Michelle had spoken
of that night when I asked, was exactly how I was feeling. On cloud 9, not
wanting to be anywhere but in his presence. Feeling naked without him holding
my hand, and totally secure with him.

We boarded the plane, and I just continued to grin his way.

"Yo. Just make sure you stop the grinning when you get to my class, aight?" he
said.

I laughed, "Nope. Ima be grinning just like I am now. What you gon do about
that?" I teased.
"Give you a C Minus" he joked.

"I don't even care. As long as I get more of that A plus plus plus plus loving I got
last night" I smiled.

"Just wait till you get..." he stopped what he was saying as the couple next to us
were looking.

We both giggled and embarrassingly turned away from them.

"We better stop" I whispered.

"Oh, now you wanna stop?" he joked.

He was right. There was nothing stopping us now after this weekend.

Chapter 18

Rihanna! What would POSSESS this woman to send me something as vile and
inhumane and horrible and stomach turning as this shit. Of course she had sent
me nasty things before through email, such as a guy getting f*cked by a horse
and midget porn. She had a sick fascination with sending me the craziest things.
Most of them I laughed off. I'd always reason, that's RiRi for you. Always trying to
gross someone out. But this was a new level of gross.

Michelle was laughing hysterically as I shuttered, tears in my eyes, after having

viewed the nastiest thing on earth. I quickly shut off the webcam and had to
compose myself so I could call Rih up. This was her doing. I knew she'd be
amused by my reaction no matter how pissed I was, but I was pissed and I
wanted her to know anyway. The calculated precision in it all was what had me
irate.

She had sent me an email telling me to set up my web cam and watch a video
link while recording my reaction. I knew it had to be something crazy. But my
curiosity got the best of me as it always did when she sent me an email with a
link in it. The video link was called 2 girls and 1 cup, and at worse I expected
one girl to be shoving a cup in another girls pussy or something. It couldn't have
been worse than that, right? RIGHT?

She answered after a few rings.

"Hey" she mumbled.

"RIH. What the F*CK did you send me?" I barked, tears still in my eyes as Michelle
laughed her skinny ass off.

Rih started laughing as soon as I spoke.

"Aww Bee. You watched it?" she snickered.

"Why in the f*ck did you have me watching them girls shit in each other mouths
and shit" I screamed.

I wasn't much of a cusser. I mean, I cursed. But not like this. This was some
OTHER shit. Michelle continued to laugh wildly.

"Did you record your reaction?" she said, totally ignoring my outburst. I could
hear the grin in her voice.

"....I did. And? That was nasty Rih. I started crying. Like, I almost threw up
watching it. I screamed so loud that Michelle ran her ass in here thinking I was
being raped or something".

Rih laughed, "Good. I definitely have to see it. Upload it to youtube and post it on
facebook. I just had to send it to you when I saw it. I usually have a strong
stomach but even I had to turn away from it".

I shook my head as Michelle calmed down from laughing and started clicking
around with the laptop so she could review the recording. I would definitely never
watch anything this girl sent me again.

"Please tell me that was chocolate or something. Was they really eating booboo?
That had to be fake" I said, hoping to God it was.

"I don't know. I ain't never seen no shit that looked like that. And I look in the
toilet every time after I shit" she said.

"ILL. TMI" I cringed.

"Oh shut up. You don't check yoself after you shit? It's healthy to know yo
bowels" she said as serious as a heart attack.

"Rihanna. I luh you but I ain't bout to be throwin up all night... BYE".
She laughed, "Post the vid" and we hung up.

Michelle was too busy laughing at the video to notice I was beaming hard at her.
Did people really find this to be funny?

"Bee. Look at you. Looked like you almost had a heart attack, girl" Michelle said.

I ain't wanna see that shit. I was going to delete it and try to purge it from
memory. But Michelle wouldn't let me. She kept laughing and rewinding and
trying to get me to watch. I finally gave in, just to shut her ass up, and moved in
so see what was keeping her grinning.

The reaction video had my bed in the background, and started off with me
looking towards the camera, but not making contact with it. I was looking at the
porn which started off with some lullabye music playing. I put my hand on my
chin and continued watching. After a few seconds of me watching blankly, my
face pinched up, my lips started quivering, and my eyebrows went up to my
original hairline. My face stretched out wide as I let out a loud shriek, which had
to be at the part when the poop was being pushed out of the girls ass into a cup.

I continued watching with a horrified look on my face and after a few more
seconds, my eyes became glossy. Michelle came bursting into the frame, looking
around and then frowning hard as she started staring towards the camera too.
We both finished off the video by watching the girls eat the poop and then vomit
it into each others mouths.

I didn't realize it, but by the time I was finishing watching my reaction to the
video, a small smile had crept across my face. I was still horrified, but maybe I
did find just a small part of it funny. Maybe my loud scream or the way Michelle
came running her ass into my room and then looking crazy once she saw what I
was looking at. It was kinda funny, I guess. I started laughing, tears still in my
eyes, as we watched the reaction vid a few more times.

"Shell you ran in here FAST" I laughed.

"I ain't never heard you scream so loud Bee. Thought you was dying or
something" she laughed back.

Michelle convinced me to upload the video and then post it to facebook. Since I
had turned 18, my facebook friend list went from 112 to over 300, and when my
vid got posted on the social networking site, it blew up. Comment after comment
of people going on and on about how funny it was. By the end of the night I had
56 comments. Most people finding humor in the fact that I had burst out crying
while watching it. So many "LMAO" and "ROFL" that I lost count.
Over the coming days, I found out that reaction vids to the doodoo porn was
actually quite popular on youtube, and the video had become a viral
phenomenon in just a few months. My vid got over 20,000 views and around 100
comments in just a week. Although I got plenty of comments about how funny it
was, most of the comments kept saying how hot I was. In a strange way, I liked
the weird compliments. Though I didn't particularly like the dozens of messages I
ended up getting in my inbox.

I liked the attention, but I also knew Carter knew of the attention I was receiving.
In my mind, he was really the only one I NEEDED attention from. Everyone else
could go to hell. Ever since the party with Tip, tons of people seemed to want to
get in cool with me, the same ones that had ignored me before. In random
classes, girls would speak to me and compliment my clothing or my hair or
something like that, and guys would be right there smirking and trying to show
out.

It was funny watching them, in a way. I was aware enough to know that most of it
came because I had supposedly snagged Tip, and since he was so popular it
would only boost my popularity. I came to FAM wanting this type of popularity,
but when it came so sudden, so out of nowhere, so strong, I kind of found it all to
be a joke.

Carter didn't, unfortunately. He called me and told me he saw the video and all of
the response it got. When i asked did he dislike it, he wouldn't answer it directly.
Just laughed, said it was a funny video and then changed the subject. I didn't feel
as if he being all the way truthful with how he felt about it, so I deleted it from
youtube. I wanted to truly show him that I was willing to forgo all of the college
crap, so I could be with him.

Upon our return from NYC, our relationship started off very undefined and very
hard to understand. We talked almost every night, but it was almost always
about school or how our day went or something like that. We didn't seem to
discuss us, our future, or what we actually were to each other. I didn't want to
push it either. It was obvious we were something, but I guess he wasn't ready to
label it.
I decided not to drop his class, and that was when things really got intense.
Seeing him teaching and knowing he had ate me out and I had sucked his dick,
made it almost impossible for me to pay attention in class. I'd drift off into
memories of the night in his car, and the night on the plane, and the night at
Broadway, and the night he told me about his daughter, and the night we
spooned as we slept. How could I just go back to being his student? In New York,
he taught me about fine dining and shopping and theater and how to have a
mind blowing orgasm. I couldn't just be reduced to him teaching me about media
ethics. Not after what he had taught me on our trip.

It blew my mind watching him up there interacting with students and trying not
to give me eye contact. It was so erotic. Even more so when he would call on me
and we'd engage in teacher student dialog, all the while knowing we were so
much more. The fact that we held a secret, and no one else in the class, or the
world for that matter, knew turned me on. Michelle was oblivious to it all as well,
which made our talks before and after class so much more thrilling. Her crush on
him had only grown since she first revealed it. I knew then I could never tell her
about Carter and me.

The classes weren't the only places we'd have around each other. I was now on
the NAACP board which meant constant contact with him regarding the meetings
and our community outreach programs. What got me was the fact that he would
never break character and become unprofessional when dealing with me, in
private or in public. When we were talking business or academia, he was serious.
It wasn't until we talked later that night that our flirting and sweet nothings
returned.

I did most of the sweet talking. Calling him babe and handsome and things like
that. He'd laugh it off most of the time, but he was sweet in other ways. He was
sweet by acting like he was ignoring something I said but only to bring it up again
an hour later with some commentary. One time I told him that my feet were
hurting after doing so much walking from class to class, he totally switched the
subject to something else. Ok, whatever. I didn't stress it. We ended up talking
about 100 different subjects and when it was time for bed, he told me about this
place that sold comfortable shoes. He asked for my size and told me he would
get me some. He listened. A GUY THAT LISTENS. He amazed me every time he
would do that.

It wasn't long before I found out that spoiling me would become the usual. I
figured he wanted to dress me because it could help him forget about my age. He
could dress me up to look like a woman instead of the young college student I
looked like. But when I actually discovered that I loved the changes he suggested
for my fashion, I thought better. He saw my potential. In fashion, in school, in my
relationships, and in life. And he wanted to have a hand in cultivating it.

He brought it up one Sunday afternoon as I laid on his lap while we watched the
pre-game for the Jets vs the Texans. He was a huge Jets fan and I was a huge
Texan fan. We both liked football so we had trash talked the entire week leading
up to the game. It was funny seeing him take it so serious, so I pushed on with
the trash talking, even though I cared more about spending time with him than
watching my team win. Win or lose, I just wanted to be in his embrace.

"Get ready for this butt whoopin" I grinned, my head facing the TV but on his leg.
"You sure do a lot of talkin. The Oilers, I mean the Texans ain't won shit in how
long?" he shot.

"When the last time the sorry Jets won anything?" I laughed.

"I guess you ain't never heard of Joe Nameth" he said, dismissively.

"Ain't he some old quarterback? Sorry, I didn't watch football when they played in
leather helmets" I grinned.

"You wasn't even born" he shook his head.

"Yep. So all I care about is the new school. Michael Vick. Peyton Manning. Tom
Brady. No no Jets quarterbacks" I smiled.

"Yeah, yeah. Shut that up, youngin'. All you do is run yo mouth. You taking that
public speaking class, right?" he asked, switching gears as he often did.

"Yeah. You noticed I haven't said 'ok, so" right?" I smirked.

"You're getting better. Still verbose and choppy sometimes, but better than last
year".

"Ver who?" I giggled.

He shook his head, smacked me on the ass, and focused in on the game. They
were set to kick off. And for the next three hours, I clowned him as the Texans
beat the Jets by four touchdowns.
It felt so good watching him get angry, because he didn't react. He would sigh
and clench his teeth together and his face would tighten up, but he wouldn't yell
or anything. I only made it worse when each time my team scored I would stay
silent and just giggle. At one point, he moved me off of him so he could go get
something to drink.

"You want something?" he asked, almost no enthusiasm.

"No babe" I smiled.

I could sense him tighten up. When he returned, he sat down, but in a way where
I could no longer lay on him. He was so cute when he was aggravated.

"Well. At least the Jets scored" I smiled when they kicked a field goal to make the
ass kicking 31-3.

He responded by not responding, but turning the channel to Lifetime.

"Aww, babes. Turn back. We can both cheer for the Jets. Don't be like dat" I said
in my innocent voice.

He shook his head and laughed out of defeat.

"Just remember who grades your papers" he cautioned.

I leaned in to him and kissed his lips, although he didn't kiss back. I laughed.

"Why you ain't kiss me back?"

"I did" he shrugged.

"No you didn't. You ain't make the smacking noise" I grinned.

"The what??"

"The kissing noise. It's not really a kiss unless you make the noise too. It's just
lips touching without the noise" I smiled.

He raised his eyebrow.

"Oh please, you know the sound. Come here" I smirked as I leaned in and planted
another peck on his lips.

I made the kissing noise as he remained still. I laughed again.

"Ugh. You are so stubborn" I barked.

He was grinning now, like it was funny.

"Am I?" he asked, throwing the bait.

"You are. Can't even kiss me right now. So cold and hard. So hard to get. Why
you always like that?" I whined, still all in fun.

He leaned back on the couch and just stared at me. I couldn't tell if he was being
serious or not. He had his bottom lip tucked in and seemed to be curious about
something.

"You have a lot of dudes trying to talk to you, don't you?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"At school. Or around town. Dudes are approaching you, right?".

"Yeah, sometimes. But I don't pay it any attention. Why?" I asked.

"Cuz I'm thinking if maybe you should be paying it attention".

I didn't get it. I looked at him and expressed with my eyes that I didn't get it.
What was he saying?

"I'm just sayin'. You was seen with Tip at that party, and now, you're single in
everyones eyes. You don't think people will wonder why?" he asked.

"Who cares what they wonder. Let them think I'm single. I don't care" I insisted,
hoping this wouldn't lead to anywhere.

He nodded his head and took a sip of water. I was still looking at him, wondering
what was going on in that mysterious head of his. But he wouldn't say. He didn't
say anything immediately after. He was thinking. In deep thought. He did this a
lot. And each time it would scare me. It was the same distant deep thought I saw
as we made our way to the airport when we left for New York. But it never would
last. He'd think. And when he was done, he'd return to the grinning man I had
fallen in love with. It didn't change this time either.

"Come over here" he said, opening his arms and his legs to make room for me.

I scooted over and laid on his chest. We watched a Lifetime movie, one about a
husband molesting his daughter. He cringed and shook his head as he watched.
But the point was, he watched. He watched it with me. And during a commercial
break he kissed my forehead which caused me to let my head fall back so I could
extend my neck and connect my lips with his. We kissed, this time he made the
kissing noise, and this time we added tongue.

I got turned on for the rest of the movie as he'd go from rubbing my stomach
gently to pecking my neck to breathing on my ear. I wanted him to explore
further. I desperattely wanted him to. But he didn't. I had been over to his home
many times in the weeks after our trip, yet we still had not taken the next step
into our relationship. No sex. No oral sex. Just scenes like this. Our cuddling and
conversations getting me so wet that I could only imagine what the sex would be
like. The only issue was, would the sex ever come?

We fell asleep in each others arms somewhere during the movie. I opened my
eyes and saw him dozed off, the sky now in a purple and orange glow, signaling
that the night sky was soon to follow. I woke him up by pecking him slowly and
gently all over his face. He opened his eyes while breathing in as we locked eyes.

I stared hard at him and eventually he broke eye contact and looked around.
"Damn. It's getting dark. You ready to go?" he asked.

I shook my head no. He questioned it with his eyes.

"I wanna spend the night" I said.

"What about your people?"

"I don't care about them" I softly said before placing an equally soft and subtle
kiss on his lips.

When I backed off, he was seemingly deep in thought again, or at least headed
that way. I had to stop it.

"Shawn. Please. I will call her and tell her I'm at my other friends house" I
pleaded.

I leaned in to him and initiated another soft kiss, my lips gracing his, our warm
breath colliding. He strengthen his grip on me and leaned in to initiate his first
kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth, exactly what I wanted. I guess I thought
this was his way of saying yes. But it was the exact opposite. When our lip
embrace broke, he leaned in to my ear and licked my lobe. I inhaled and closed
my eyes, unprepared for the words he was about to speak.

"If you stay tonight, I'm going to f*ck you. I want us to hold off for awhile. Go
home. I'll see you tomorrow" he whispered before kissing the side of my head.

He slowly eased his way off me and slid off the sofa, going for his shoes that were
on the floor next to mine. I couldn't believe him. I wanted him. I wanted him to
f*ck me, to take my virginity. And he was f*cking up my mind by denying me of
it. My legs started shaking from the frustration of it all. I tried to stand but my
knees were wobbly. My juices caused my legs to stick together and I'm sure my
face showcased my displeasure. But in a strange twist, I found the
disappointment to actually be fulfilling. He said he wanted us to hold off for
awhile, which mean it would come. Patience. Endurance. Stamina.

I gathered my emotions as I stood and managed a smile. He was so good at

milking every tense moment for all of it's worth. We kissed at the front door and
he led me outside to my car. When I get in my car I decided to make him a little
jealous as a parting. Hey, he can't just turn me on like that and then send me
home.

"Guy named James asked me out in my Public Speaking class. I might just take
him up on the offer, now" I smiled before cranking up.

"Is that right" he grinned.

"Yep. Pre-Law student too. Very smart. Very cute. You mad?"

He shook his head and tapped the roof of my car.

"Drive safe, Miss Knowles".

I drove home smiling. There was only one man who had my heart.
**

I think my new sense of fashion was starting to rub off on me in various ways. I
wasn't wearing outfits anyone could get at the mall. I was wearing things that
was both sophisticated and sexy. Maybe it made me feel more sophisticated and
certainly more sexy. I had always been described as cute in my life, but Carter
had helped me come into my own as a sexy woman. Because of this, I didn't
even feel the need to pay attention to the negativity surrounding me, particularly
from Nicki and her crew. I made up in my mind that I would refuse to participate
in any more petty, catty, banter with her.

But there was still a part of me that wanted to out do her. I just decided I'd make
her pay by being better than she was. Letting my actions speak for me instead of
my mouth. That meant shining in NAACP meetings. Jarvis was the leader and
Carter stood in on meetings along with a few other teachers to make sure we
stayed on track. But the floor was pretty much ours. We had to decide what we
were going to discuss at the next open meeting, which were the meetings open
for students to attend.

Jarvis went around the table and asked for ideas. He started with Sorority chick
number 1.

"We could talk about community involvement and stuff" she threw out, almost
absent minded.

Next was Sorority chick 2.

"...uhm. I don't even know. Ain't nuttin really goin' on right now" she shrugged.

"Yall was pose to come up with ideas" Jarvis said, eying her.

"Well I was busy, dang. It's other people in here" she said.

He rolled his eyes and moved on to the next. Frat brother 1.

"Racism is always a good topic".

"What about racism?" Jarvis asked.

"How it's happening on campus and stuff".

Jarvis sighed, and continued going around the room. No one had anything
noteworthy to say. I couldn't believe how unfocused and lazy they were about the
whole thing. Carter couldn't either. He eyed all of us with the most disgusted look
on his face. I felt bad for Jarvis because ultimately, he was the President and he
had chosen us. I guess this was what happened when you chose friends and
Greek members instead of the best qualified candidates. So many people cared
more about how it looked on their resume than anything else.

"I think we should discuss next years election, and if Barack Obama is the
candidate we should endorse" Nicki smiled.

"Bawawk-a-who?" Sorority girl 2 asked, wide eyed.

"The senator from Illinois. Black man. Running for President. Yall don't know?"
Nicki asked, looking at her as if she was crazy.

"Oh. Yeah. I knew bout that" she responded, sounding like she was lying.

"That's a good idea, Nicki. Really good" Jarvis commented before looking at me.

I had to admit, it was a great idea. Better than mine.

"Uhm. Well, I think Nicki had a good suggestion" I said, putting my hands over my
notebook so no one could read what I had written down.

"Nah. What did you have? I want to hear everyones thoughts" Jarvis said.

"Well. I was just thinking maybe we could talk about NAACP as a whole".

Everyone seemed to be dumbfounded by my statement. Even Carter looked on

without a clue to what I was getting at.

"Well, I mean. A lot of people on campus don't even know what it's about" I said.

"And we explained it during the first meeting of the new year" Nicki said.

"Yeah, I know that. But we spent five minutes talking about our mission
statement. But so many people I talk to just think we're on here to boost our
resume and that all we do is, excuse my french, b*tch about black this and black
that. People don't seem to understand the point of this" I stated, trying to defend
my idea.

"Keep going" Jarvis said, giving me a chance to further elaborate.

"Ok, so I told my room mate about it. And she's a smart girl, but she doesn't even
see the point. Sure when we were fighting for rights and stuff, NAACP was
important. But in 2007, she thinks most of it is arbitrary".

"So she doesn't think racism exist" said Sorority Chick 1.

"No. Not that" I said, feeling like I was being ganged up on, "Nevermind".

Carter spoke up, "No. I think you're on to something good. Keep elaborating".

"It's just. I think we should be doing more to help people understand the issues
and what we can do to actually help. Some of the meetings are so formal and
lecture like that people feel intimidated or that it's pointless. I don't know. Maybe
only meeting twice a month hinders them from actually feeling involved. I just
think we should be doing more. Actively trying to get people to understand things
like Affirmative Action".

"Who doesn't understand Affirmative Action? It's just about quotas and stuff" Frat
boy 2 said.

"No it's NOT!" I laughed, "I mean, see? A board member doesn't even get
affirmative action".

He tried to defend himself, "Ain't affirmative action like the Rooney Rule in
football where they gotta hire a black coach so the ratios even out?".
"No" Carter answered him.

Everyone started talking amongst themselves. Jarvis had to get everyone in

order.

"Aye Aye! Shut up, yaw. Bee. Tell us what Affirmative Action is" he said.

"Ok. Let's say a high school is looking to hire 10 teachers that just graduated
from college" I began.

"A few of them would have to be black, right?" the Frat boy said, just hoping he
would be right.

"No" I barked. He dropped his hands and exhaled, "Whatever. Explain it then".

"I'm trying to" I grinned, frustrated at their ignorance.

"Keep going Bee. There will be no more interruptions" Jarvis said, eying the rest
of the committee.

Boy, they always said two things you never want to see was the making of
sausage or the behind the scenes of a board meeting. I agreed. How could the
leaders of this organization be so deficit?

"10 teachers need to be hired. If the school only recruited teachers from Florida
State, which is a predominately white school, then the applicant pool would
almost certainly be almost all white. That ain't racist. It's just the numbers" I said.

They were looking like they still didn't get where I was going. I took a breath and
continued anyway.

"Affirmative Action is when the high school then goes to FAMU, a predominately
black school, and gets applicants from there was well".

"That is what I said?!" the boy blasted.

"No. You said they had to hire a certain amount of blacks. That isn't true. They
could hire 10 whites and still be using affirmative action because they actively
sought to make the applicant pool more inclusive. And its not just about blacks.
It's for women and disabled people too. All Affirmative action is, is including more
people in the hiring process than typically looked at. It's not about meeting
quotas or hiring less qualified people. Quotas are illegal anyway" I finished.

I couldn't tell you what they thought about what I had said, they just looked. I
hated that I had even shared my idea, and I definitely hated I had to defend it. At
least I actually had an idea. Carter smiled and walked over towards the table.

"Have em vote" he said to Jarvis.

"Ok. Those who want to go with Bee's idea on educating the people on what
NAACP is about" raise your hand.
No one raised their hand.

"If you wanna go with Nicki's idea on the election, raise your hand".

Everyone raised their hand, including me. I couldn't hate on it. It was a great idea
from Nicki and something that could be implemented quicker than my idea. I just
hated that I felt everyone was raising their hand for the wrong reason.

**

James was a nice guy, he really was. But I wasn't interested in him and my polite
rejection of his offer to take me out had all but been ignored.

"Ahh come on. You said you are single, right?" he asked.

"I am. But I'm just not looking for a boyfriend right now".

"Why? Tip? he said you're free to do whatever you want now" he smiled.

"No, not because of him. I'm just busy with school and everything. I don't have
time for anyone" I said, not even getting why I was having to explain myself as
we walked out of the Public Speaking class.

"Oh you think you're busy? How about this. I'm involved in three clubs; student
government, debate team, and royal court, and I would definitely make time for
someone as beautiful as you" he pressed.

"Well good for you. I'm not as multi-talented as you" I said out of being annoyed.

He took the shot but instead of taking the full brunt of the sarcasm, he laughed it
off. Damn, this boy just couldn't take a hint.

"I'm sure you are very talented. It's why I wanna take you out. No strings
attached. Just out. Get to know you a little better" he kept on.

"James. The answer is no".

"Just tell me you will think about it and I will leave you alone" he grinned.

I couldn't believe him, but his presence was seriously annoying me. Anything that
would get him to leave me alone was worth considering.

"Ok. I will think about it. Happy?" I beamed.

"All I wanted" he smiled, "See you in class".

He left and I shook my head. He was a prep, wore glasses, khakis, and designer
shirts tucked in. But he was alarmingly pushy and loved to antagonize. I guess
that was why he was going to be a lawyer. Right up his alley. I told Carter about
him, although he didn't have much to say about the whole situation. I wasn't
telling him to try and make him jealous, but I sensed that was how he was taking
it. But then again, Carter could be hard to read when he wasn't explicitly telling
his feelings. Everything was guess work with him.

"Maybe you should go on a date with him" he suggested on our date to a

restaurant some 45 minutes away from Tallahassee.

"Why?" I spat, not seeing any sense in it.

"I don't know. I'm just saying" he shrugged, snapping a piece of his crab legs.

"Just saying what? You want me to date other people?" I asked.

"It's not what I want. I'm just saying. Maybe it's in your best interest to".

"So you don't think it's in our best interest to be exclusive?" I said, dropping my
fork and staring at him.

"I'm not saying that, Beyonce. I'm just thinking out loud. It's not like I have a
manual on how to handle this. All I'm saying is, if you did decide to date another
student. I would understand".

"You would understand, Shawn? How would you understand? Do you not even
want me for yourself?" I said raising my voice.

He looked around, we were the only ones seated outside, the star filled sky filling
out the background of the night.

"Bee. I wouldn't be risking everything I am risking if I didn't want you. And I need
you to stop questioning that. Ok? Cuz everytime you do, it makes me think about
how much you ain't ready to accept what we have" he said in a low tone.

I lowered my voice and relaxed my muscles. He was right. I had to stop

questioning him. But my own insecurities and uncertainty about what we had
made it difficult.

"I know you are risking a lot. I'm sorry for making it seem like I didn't understand
that. I just. Sometimes I just can't really read you. And I don't want to be with
anyone else. I just want to be with you. When you say maybe I should date
someone else it makes me feel like you don't really care if I do. Like it would be a
relief for you or something".

"I understand your feelings, Bee. And I'm not saying go out and have sex with
someone. I'm just saying maybe the best look, so Michelle isn't in your business,
or your friends, or facebook. The best look might be for you to hit the dating
scene. Looks less suspicious" he said.

"But what if I dated someone? And yet I'm seeing you? Then I'd be cheating and
stuff. I'm already creeping just to be with you. Going all the way out the city at
night so we can have dinner. And then I'd have to be dodging phone calls from
some guy i'm dating? That's too much pressure on me" I expressed.

He nodded his head and breathed slowly. We ended up eating the rest of our
meal in silence, looking down at our plates instead of speaking directly to each
other. I hated it when the atmosphere became like this. And it only happened
whenever we were trying to make sense of what we had and how to deal with it.
It was so complicated and frustrating. But this was what I signed up for. This was
what my heart was going to have to endure to be with this man.

"What are we? What do you consider me?" I asked, still looking at my half eaten
plate of Crawfish and shrimp.

"Do we have to go through this again?" he asked.

"I need to know. In simple words, what we are, Shawn. If I'm going to date other
people. I need to know what the man...the man I want to be with considers me".

"Bee, you don't have to date other people. Like I said, I was just thinking out
loud".

"But you said it more than once. So you've obviously thought about it a few
times".

"Can we just finish our dinner, first?" he asked.

I had to control a small temper tantrum that wanted to engulf me. I quickly shook
my head and exhaled angrily as I threw the food in my mouth and looked to the
side, watching people walk past and wondering if their lives were more enjoyable
at the moment than mine was. I was having a romantic dinner with the one guy
that both physically and mentally stimulated me. This was suppose to be
romantic. But all I felt was insecurity and unsure about us. He refused to tell me
what I was to him. Why? Why was it so hard of a question to answer?

"I'm not good with labels, Beyonce. I consider you someone I have a deep
connection with. I like being around you. I want to be around you. I want to be in
your life. But I just don't feel comfortable with the whole boyfriend, girlfriend
label".

"Is it because of another woman? You dating other girls?" I shot.

"No. I swear to you. You are the only woman I'm even remotely interested in
pursuing. But I'm just trying to approach this shit cautiously. Make sure all angles
are covered before I jump head in to it".

"Yet you could jump head first into my pussy" I rolled my eyes.

"So now you wanna throw that into my face too? Very mature" he sarcastically
laughed to himself.

"Ok, Carter. You win. No labels. No commitment. No nothing. Whatever" I

conceded.

"Yeah, cuz that is all this is about. Winning and losing" he barked.

"Can we go? I'm not hungry anymore" I said, standing up, dropping my napkin on
the table and walking away from the table.

I had to leave because I was sure I was going to cry. I hated being a cry baby, but
I couldn't help it. I couldn't HELP how much my emotions were eating at me. I
walked straight past the concerned looking waitresses and into the restroom
where I had to quickly compose myself in the mirror, rubbing water in my eyes. I
sat there for a minute and thought. I was guessing Carter was annoyed with me
by now. Hated that I couldn't accept his way of viewing our thing we had. Maybe I
was being selfish. But was I the devil for wanting to have something to cling to?
Some sign of security? But there was nothing to cling to. No security. No safety
net. Nothing. I had nothing from him. Just a hope without a promise.

I walked out of the restroom, purse on my shoulder, no emotion on my face, and

ready to leave. Carter had already paid for the meal and waiting for me by the
exit. When he saw me he looked to be in thought. Here we go again. I didn't even
bother trying to read him. I didn't have the energy to care. If I put forth the
energy to think it over, I was sure he'd be convinced to stop dealing with me and
just drop me off with my doggybag.

It wasn't suppose to happen like this. We weren't suppose to argue on our date,
one of the few times we could get out of the house and be together. But like so
many other things, this was just the hand life would deal to me. Too good to be
true. Never a perfect fit.

We walked silently to his car, a few feet from each other, like we were complete
strangers on the sidewalk that magically wound up at the same car. He unlocked
it, I got in, put on my seatbelt and turned to look out the passenger window. I
couldn't even stand to look his way. I was afraid of what would happen if I saw his
eyes. And the last thing I wanted right now was to lose myself in another outburst
of emotion.

He didn't say anything to me. We drove in silence for a few minutes and then he
cut on his stereo, where soft Jazz filled the car. I guess that meant we truly
weren't going to say anything to each other for the next 45 minutes. I surely had
already said enough, so what would be the point of speaking up now? He knew
my feelings. Nothing else I said would make a difference. There was nothing left
to say.

When we made it to his house, I was just ready to get in my car and drive home
before Michelle called and I had to make up a lie on the spot about where I was. I
didn't feel like thinking. I just wanted to get away from everyone. I was angry at
Carter, sure. But I was angry at a lot of people. Angry that society had made it so
hard for me to be with him. What really was the big deal? I understood Carter
was put between a rock and a hard place, but why? So what if me and him
wanted to be together. What did that change? He was still a great teacher and a
great man.

As I thought about him, I really didn't want to be angry at him. But what else was
there to do now? I had completely ruined dinner.

"Carter. I'm sorry. I'm...just sorry" I said softly as the car shut off.

"Don't apologize, Bee. You have every right to feel the way you do. I'm putting
you in an unfair position" he said.

"It's just so hard. Hard to accept that we can both wanna be together but can't" I
sighed.

"You do know that I want to be with you, right Beyonce?"

"I know. I know you do" I said, finally turning to look at him.

He looked at each other with such pathetic longing, that it hurt my soul. There
was no misunderstanding here. I know Carter wanted me. I HAD to give him that
benefit of the doubt. Those eyes could not and would not lie.
We managed to break free of the gazing and get out of the car. I made my way
over to my car as he walked me over. It was the beginning of fall, Halloween just
right around the corner. Florida never really got freezing cold, but it could get
pretty chilly around this time, and the chill from the night air was starting to set
in. The wind picking up and smashing against our frames, my hair blowing wildly.
He met my at my door, and I waled into his arms for a goodnight hug.

The hug, nothing I would have thought could have blown me away, did just that.
It took my breath away as he held me, protecting me from the whirlwind of air
that surrounded us. I just laid in his embrace as he held me. A goodbye hug
shouldn't have lasted this long. And a goodbye hug should not be without a
goodbye kiss. He lifted up my chin and we slowly moved in for a peck. The peck
was quick and over before I could blink. We backed off and I looked into his eyes.
I saw how much he didn't want to say goodbye. We kissed again, small pecks
turning into wild pecks which turned into lip locking and smacking.

I lost myself in his kiss, our tongues tasting each other as our lust took over. His
hands dropped from my arms to my lower back, but our lips stayed connected.
We leaned in and out and over and under as our kisses became more and more
aggressive. His hands continued downward, until soon they were cupping my
butt, sending a chill through my body, a chill that had nothing to do with the
wind. I took that time to calm myself down. I put my face into his shoulder and let
him hold me like this. He slowly placed his lips against my neck and started
kissing gently. I grabbed him hard, my nails clenching his coat, as his kisses
started to turn into sucks. He was sucking on my neck in the middle of his
driveway.

"Get a room" I heard someone yell from across the street somewhere.

Carter stopped briefly to check out who had yelled and then I turned around. It
was too dark to see the guys face, but it was someone that had went to his
mailbox. When I turned around, Carter had grabbed my wrist and was leading me
towards his home. I didn't know what would happen when we got behind his
doors, but I was ready for whatever he had in mind.

He fidgeted with his keys, and I took deep breaths as he struggled to find the one
to open his door. When he finally got it open, he nearly knocked over the door as
he rush inside and dragged me behind him. The door shut quick and our mouths
met and locked quicker than the hinges did.

These weren't soft and gentle pecks. These were violent, lust filled, and
passionate kisses. Kisses so strong, that I almost didn't even notice his hands
were under my shirt and rubbing on my stomach. I allowed my hands to rub his
hips and then it hit me. This was it. This was the moment everything would all
change.

My shirt was over my head before I could even completely understand what was
happening, and my hands had managed to remove his coat and was working on
his shirt just as quickly. It was as if my body and mind were on separate pages. It
was like I was having an out of body experience, watching my hands do things I
wasn't commanding them to do. Instincts were a crazy thing.

We kissed and continued to forcefully strip each other of our clothes, he removed
the straps of my bra and buried his face to the top of my chest, my breast still
sitting in the cups. I was pinned against the door, moaning with my eyes closed
when my bra fell harmlessly to the floor and my breast fell into his mouth. His
tongue circled my nipple and his lips trapped my breast in his mouth as he
sucked hard.

My hands stopped working him as he went to work on my titties, kissing and

sucking on them like it was his first time every enjoying breast. And he enjoyed
them, because he didn't concentrate or anything else until my hands went back
to work, trying to remove his belt. He stopped long enough for me to unsnap his
pants, which slowly dragged down to his knees and then his ankles, and then he
was back to working on me.

The pants he had bought me not even a week ago were being nearly ripped
apart, as a button popped and rolled on his hardwood floor and then too slid
down to my ankles. I returned the favor by ripping his shirt open and removing
one arm from the sleeve. He didn't even wait for the second sleeve before he
took me in his arms and carried me into his bedroom, his ankles still bound by his
pants.

He laid me on the bed and slipped out of the cuffs before looking toward me. We
were both grinning by this point. But those grins turned back to lustful eyes. He
walked closer as I sat up on the bed. His boxers were pointing out. His erection
hard and directly in my face. There was only one thing I wanted right then. I
helped slide his penis out of the slit in his boxers and my mouth watered. I put his
penis into my mouth, truly being taken back by how good it felt in there.

I closed my eyes and sucked him faster than I had the first time. It tasted so good
and was so hard and stiff. I forgot about my own limits as I almost gagged from
taking too much of him in my mouth. I was biting off more than I could chew, but
I sensed he liked that I was so into it. I opened my eyes and saw him staring
down at me. I could tell he enjoyed the view, because he looked so turned on,
like he couldn't concentrate on anything else but my mouth on his penis.

I took him out of my mouth and put my hands on his boxers, moving them down
so he could be naked. I wanted him naked. And I returned to pleasing him in the
way my mouth naturally longed to. Before I could get too settled into what I was
doing, or before he could cum, he pulled back. He wasn't ready for that. He was
wanting more this time around.

He gently pushed me back, before crawling on the bed on top of me and kissing
my neck as he massaged my nipples with his fingers. I wrapped my legs around
his naked body as his dick pressed against my naval. Shit, I was sure he'd f*ck
me there if he could. We rocked as he sucked so hard, I was sure I'd have a
hickey the next morning.

I needed to feel what the next step felt like. And I was sure he wanted to
experience it as well, because he pulled back again and stared down at my
panties. The first time he removed them, it was slow and steady, as he paced
himself before viewing my womanhood. This time? He snatched it off like a kid
snatches off the wrapper of a lollypop. The wrapper didn't mean shit anymore. It
was the sweet thing underneath that he cared about. The panties fell to the floor
and my pussy was devoured by his eyes.

It was overwhelming. It was frightening. I was about to finally have sex. Carter
kissed my pussy, he didn't eat me out, simply kissed my lips as if they were on
my face and then stood back up. I almost orgasmed simply from that. He walked
over to his night stand and returned with a condom after he had went in the
drawer.

Condom. Wow. This was happening. He had a gold condom in his hand. And it
was in his mouth, the top of the wrapper being ripped off as he made his way
toward me. I got scared. I tensed up, every muscle in my body tightening. I
looked up at him, wanting to cry from the emotional overload. He was looking at
my pussy, not my face. But when he did...boy did his entire facial change.

I swallowed and panted while laying in the bed with my legs spread for him. He
stared at my shaking body. I was actually shaking from the fear.

"Bee. Are you a virgin?" he said softly, more of a statement than a question.

I couldn't lie to him. Even if I tried to, my body was telling him the truth.

"I knew it" he said to himself, before backing up a step.

I sat up, completely ashamed that he was able to see the truth just from my
body. I wondered what he thought, if I had once again been reduced to a child in
his eyes. I wrapped my legs in my arms and tried to look at him, but turned away.

"Why you felt you had to lie?" he asked softly.

"I don't know" I responded, still avoiding eye contact.

He exhaled hard at this, as if he was beyond dissapointed in me and deservedly

so.

"Do you not want me anymore?" I said, conjuring up just enough courage to look
up at him. His eyes were soft and empathic. I didn't expect that.

He walked around the bed, his penis noticeably more limp than it had been, and
removed the chain from his neck, placing it on the night stand. He motioned for
me to get off the bed and I did as he said, covering myself out of instincts. I had
shown my body to strangers in drawing classes, but I was no terrified for him to
catch me in my naked lie. He untuched the cover and pulled it back before
looking back at me. With his eyes, he told me to get back on the bed. I slowly slid
back down as he did the same.

We were on completely different sides of the bed as I pulled the covers up over
me to hid myself, still feeling uncomfortable about making eye contact with him.

"Come here' he whispered.

I moved over to the center of the bed.

"Come here" he said again, this time with more force.

I moved toward him and he turned to the side and kissed me softly. I was still
upset by my lie and sorry I had misled him because of my petty insecurities. Why
did I keep messing up when it came to him. I shamefully looked in his eyes when
he backed off, but he didn't look mad. He looked concerned. He looked scared.
"Bee, are you sure this is what you want?"

I nodded my head at him. I did want this.

"You know. Deep down, I always knew you were a virgin. I just ain't wanna
believe it" he said gently.

"I'm sorry"

He accepted my apology by kissing my forehead and gently tracing the outline of

my arms. I leaned in, wanting to kiss him again and he gave me what I desired.
He also managed to crawl on top of me. We kissed face to face, completely
naked and I could feel his dick pressed against my inner thigh. I was horrified.
But something about the gentleness of his kiss was relaxing me. He wasn't
resting his body on mine yet, his arms were supporting him, but I knew that any
moment all of that could change.

That moment came when he reached for the night stand for the opened condom
wrapper and pulled out the symbol of sex. The symbol that I was truly about to
lose my innocence. I closed my eyes. It was like being on top of the roller coaster,
just knowing you were about to take a 90 degree drop. Completely out of control
and wondering if the shallow feeling in the pit of your belly was fear or
excitement. I figured it was a mix of both.

He looked down at me one more time to see if I was ready. I let him know I was
by kissing his lips. He reached under the covers and did what he had to do with
the condom and I took one final deep breath. The straight shot down on this
emotional roller coaster.

I felt it when it touched. I felt the tip of his dick against my pussy. I felt the
pressure as he slowly pushed it into my entrance. I felt him adjust his body
weight and I felt my joints tighten. But I wasn't prepared for the PAIN of it all. I
wasn't prepared for that. I moaned out of pain, not pleasure, as he took his first
stroke into me and I was officially not a virgin anymore.

He immediately stopped.

"You want me to stop?" he whispered, searching my eyes.

I DIDN'T want him to stop. I wanted to experience this. I wanted him to enjoy
being inside of me. I wanted to complete this without backing out.

"Keep going" I managed to get out.

He leaned down and filled my open mouth with his lips, as my eyes closed and I
anticipated the continued stroking. He softly resumed thrusting. And I nearly lost
my mind. My stream of consciousness took over.

OH my GOD. He is inside of me. He is f*cking me. I'm f*cking him. And...it hurts.
Tears are in my eyes, and now one is falling down my cheek. But don't stop. He's
looking at me. Keep going. Please, Carter, Don't stop. I need this. You need this.
We need this. Ouch. No. Good pain, Carter. Keep f*cking me. See, I just moaned.
Ok, Bee, close your eyes. feel him. Feel him. FEEL him. But I DO FEEL him. And he
so BIG. I can't feel my legs. Oh my God, they've gone numb. I'm paralyzed.
Where are they? I see them, dangling in the air, around his head. How they get
there?

I just SCRATCHED the shit out of his back. OH GOD. He is bleeding. His eyes. So
harmless. SO wide. I love you. I LOVE this. NEVER leave me. NEVER stop. The
hurt. The pain. The pressure. I take it all. ALL of you. JUST for you. No one else.
He's going faster. He's eating my neck. Like a vampire. Sucking me of life. And...it
feels good. Let me bite you back. You like that? YES. I'm moaning. I'm loud.
REALLY loud. I wan't to calm myself. But I cant. His dick is buried. Deep, deep,
deeep in my pussy.

What? Change positions? I've never done this before. He's moving me. I'm
following his lead. I'm on my knees now. He's behind me. He's mounting me. HE's
INSIDE ME AGAIN. He's stroking. It hurts still. How long will it hurt. But that...Ooo,
that. That felt...kinda...good....goood.....GOOD GOD. F*ck me. He's grabbing my
hair. Grab it baby. OUCH. He smacked my ass. SMACK IT HARDER, NIGGA. SHIT.
Ouch! Well not that hard. I'm f*cking doggystyle. Like an animal. Like a f*cking
dirty animal.

What now? I'm exhausted. My legs hurt. My pussy aches. My body still responds
to you, and only you. The room is spinning. But I'm on top of you. And I'm sliding
down. You're sliding up. Locked inside the grips of my pussy. And you're helping
me. And I'm f*cking you. And I'm riding you. And it hurts so good. And my titties
are bouncing. Bouncing out of control, smacking my face, out of place. There you
go. Grabbing them. Rubbing them. With one hand grabbing my ass. And you're
squeezing my nipples. So hard, so rough, they might burst. Might erupt. Like the
ugly scream that just came from you. You came. Nutted inside of me. And we're
exhausted. Breathing hard. Breathing for life. And I collapse on top of you. My
virginity gone. My innocence gone. My pussy still filled with you. All of you.

**

I woke up in the middle of the night, still sore after the beating my pussy took
from the man I had given it to. I had to laugh to myself. I always thought my first
time was suppose to be sweet and gentle. And maybe Carter intended it to start
out that way, but the more he stroked, the more I saw his eyes fill with lust and
the harder he went. When he had bent my ass over and had my face in the
pillow, I knew all bets were off. That shit HURT, but I wasn't mad at him. I thought
it was sweet, in a strange sense. He couldn't even control himself. He couldn't
make love. He had to f*ck me. Just the thought made me giggle.

I couldn't even walk right as I made my way into his kitchen to get me some
juice. I wonder how long the hangover lasted after being f*cked silly? Would I be
walking funny all week? Would my pussy feel so sore for awhile? Man. I couldn't
believe it. I had sex. I really had sex. And with my teacher. My f*cking teacher.
And the thing was, I couldn't tell ANYONE about it. I stood there naked as I drink
the apple juice and just thought about it all. Maybe Carter and I still didn't have
an official title, but he would always be my first. That would never change. And
that brought another smile to my face as I walked my crippled ass back to his
bed.

He was awake, laying in bed waiting for me. I snuggled up next to him and he
kissed me.

"You were awesome, tonight" he whispered in my ear before kissing my temple.

"Was I? You were kinda rough" I teased.

"I'm sorry. I haven't taken a girls virginity since High School. I ain't know hot to
act. Did I hurt you?" he asked, looking all concerned and stuff.

I laughed.

"I'm sore. But I'm ok".

"Damn. My fault" he laughed out of sheer embarrassment.

I kissed him hard and he held me in a close, tight, grip.

"You didn't call Michelle, did you?" he asked.

"No. I forgot. She'll be ok".

"Yall got my class in the morning though. What are you going to tell her?" he
pressed.

"I don't know. If she asks I can just not say anything. She'll be mad or whatever
but she can't make me say where I was".

"Yeah but still. What we are trying to do here is not make people suspicious.
When people suspect something, they snoop. I don't want anyone snooping" he
cautioned.

"You're right" I said.

"Damn right I am" he teased.

"You are. And that's why I'm going to follow your suggestion. I'm going to go on a
few dates" I said.

He looked at me, but didn't respond at first. He was taking in the statement.

"Shawn. Just cuz I go on some dates doesn't mean anything, past that. This" I
said, pointing down at myself, "belongs only to you".

He chuckled at this, as did I, although I was dead serious.

"Just mine, huh?"

I nodded, "all yours".

"Well give me some more of that" he grinned.

He pulled me on top of him, and we engaged in round 2. I enjoyed it a lot more

the second time around, although it still hurt. He made sure to be more gentle
with me all the way through. He kissed me hard when he came into me. After he
removed the condom and tossed it in the waste basket, he got up and went to his
bathroom. I laughed at his small booty making it's way across the room. I heard
the sound of piss smacking the toilet water soon after the light cut on, and I
looked around his room. Hard to believe only months ago I could only imagine
how he lived.
Now, I was laying in his bed after I had given him multiple orgasms in one night. I
felt accomplished in knowing this. But it still felt surreal. His room was
surrounded by elegance and expensive decorations. I had always wondered
about it. How could he afford this on a teachers salary?

When he returned, I had made it up in my mind that I would ask. I wouldn't press
if he didn't want to talk about it. But I felt I wouldn't be out of line to just ask him
the question. What's wrong with asking? When we were snuggled up under the
covers again and he had closed his eyes, I took the plunge. Hopefully, he
wouldn't get mad.

"Babe" I said, kissing his chest.

"Sup?" he said with his eyes still closed.

"I want to ask something. But I don't want you to get mad at me".

"Oh, here it comes" he said sarcastically, eyes still closed.

"It's just something that's been bothering me. And I wanna know" I said.

He kept his eyes closed but laughed, "What you wanna know, Bee?"

"See, you are already kinda getting an attitude. I promise, it's just a simple
question" I said.

He opened his eyes and looked at me. Didn't say anything, but his look told me
that I was free to ask.

"....babe, are you a drug dealer?"

He burst out laughing when i asked this. I didn't like it. What was funny about it? I
was serious.

"For real. I'm asking for a reason" I said, slightly annoyed by the laughter.

"No, Beyonce. If you have to ask, I will answer. No. I'm not and I've never been a
drug dealer. The unsolved mystery is now solved" he said sarcastically, laughing
to himself.

"Then why you can afford all this stuff? You seem to spend more than a teacher
should be able to afford. Ima be a teacher so I've looked up salaries and stuff. But
you fly first class and buy-".

"And buy you fancy clothes and take you to the broadway? Yeah, I do that. A
teacher can't do that?" he interrupted.

"I'm not saying you can't do that. I'm just saying I don't see how you can afford
it" I said, still trying to sound non-confrontational. I didn't want to argue with him
about this.

"You wanna see my back account or something?" he shot.

God, why was he being like this?

"Shawn. I'm just asking a question. Why are you jumping down my throat? You're
acting like I-"

He interrupted me again, "Like you're questioning me. Yeah, I am. Because you
are" he said.

Man. I just couldn't win, ever. Everytime, people always took my words for what
they weren't. I didn't mean to sound like I was questioning him. I just was curious.
I didn't understand how he could get offended over a question.

"I'm sorry, then. Just. Never-mind. I won't ask anymore questions" I said humbly,
defeated and hurt as I slid off him and on the other pillow.

I wrapped the covers around me.

"Damn Carter. She got you" I heard him say to himself, which caught me off
guard.

"Beyonce. Turn around" he demanded.

I could have been defiant. But when his voice sounded like that, it made me
tremble. Not in a fearful way, exactly, but in a way that made me feel humbled. I
did as I was told.

"Look at me. You keep breaking down my defenses and I don't know what to do
anymore to keep you out. You have completely, completely, broken me" he
confessed, in as defeated a tone as I'd heard from him.

"Why do you want to keep me out?" I softly asked.

"Bee. Cuz if I let you in. If I give you this key to my heart and shit. I'm completely
vulnerable to...."

"To what?"

He didn't answer my question. He smacked the bed on the other side and huffed
and puffed like he was having a nervous breakdown or something. I was literally
starting to feel afraid.

"Babe. What's wrong?" I asked, painfully.

"I never sold drugs. Only because I wasn't allowed to. That wasn't the plan my
family had for me" he started, eyes staring at the ceiling, his head sunken into
the pillow.

I just looked at him.

"My dad was. What most of yall youngers consider an American Gangster. He did
his thing in Harlem. In the 60's and 70's. Yeah he sold drugs. But he was much
more connected than that. Pimped. Gambling. Bootlegged. He was a jack of all
trades. A hustler. Could make money no matter the weather. And he became
rich. One of the few hustlers that made it rich before being killed or thrown in
prison" he said.
I could sense this was difficult on him. It was taking a lot out of him to tell me this
story. So I made it my damn business to listen carefully to every word.

"He met my mother, Gloria. And they had four kids. My sister came first, then my
brother, my next sister and then me. Four of us in total. I was the baby. I was
born when we were already rich and out of the hood. I never seen the hood in my
life. I was raised in the burbs. And that is where my dad wanted to keep me. Me
and my sisters were put in private school. My oldest brother was pose to help run
the family business".

"Like the movie the Godfather?" I asked, remembering the time we had watched
it together in his living room.

He nodded.

"That movie ain't a favorite for nothing" he said, trying to make a joke but not
finding any laughter.

"What happened to you Shawn? What happened to your family? Why don't yall
talk?" I asked, reaching for his hand and massaging it.

He eyed me. He had tears in his eyes. What HAD happened to my man?

"They ain't want me near that shit. Said I was too soft. My brother was bred to be
able to handle himself in the streets. They told me to handle myself in the
classroom. Had plans to send me to the best schools and become a lawyer or
something. Stay clear of the street shit. Me and my sisters. But even though we
had enough money to leave the street shit alone. My dad and my brother. They
kept at it. Ain't wanna give it up. My momma would plead for them to quit the
game. But they wouldn't. And it caught up with them".

"How?" I asked, sensing he was close to shutting down and shutting me out. I
squeezed his hand, to signal that I was here for him. I wouldn't judge him. I
wouldn't see him any different. I just needed to know what happened. And how it
still affected him.

"When I was 17. My brother got snatched up by some up and coming cats. So
called thugs. No real respect for the game or the people that put in work before
them. Young niggas. My age. Just snatched him up. Demanded that my dad give
up his territory and pay a ransom or they would kill my brother. I was there when
my dad got the call. I was in the room with him. I heard him yelling into the
phone. They hung up on him after telling their demands and he was hot.
Throwing shit. Yelling. He told me what was going on. I told him to go to the
police. He ignored it. Wasn't tryna hear about no police".

"Why not?"

"Although he believed my ass could get some sense if I learned about law. He
ain't trust it for himself. Felt if he involved the cops they would investigate our
family. They already had been trying to bust him. But they couldn't touch him.
His money was too long, too many lawyers and he never touched any drugs or
women anymore. He felt if he got the police involved, all of the money we lived
off of would be in jeopardy".

"So what did he do?" I asked, sensing this story was about to get very ugly.
"Told his soldiers to go get his son back. Said he wasn't giving up his territory and
he wasn't paying a ransom to them niggas. Called their bluff. I yelled at the man.
Told him to forget the money and the territory. Told him to save our brother and
listen to them niggas. He ain't listen to a thing I said. I hated that. I got in his
face. I stepped to him. He laughed. Called me soft. I punched him. He was old by
now. Wasn't no fighter. I had been boxing. His workers threw me out. They shut
me, my mom, and my sisters out like we were strangers and they did what they
did. Week later, my brothers finger and toe came in the mail".

I wanted to vomit hearing him go on. But he wasn't done yet. He talked like he
was in a trance. I couldn't break down on him. I held his hand, hard and listened.

"My dad had too much pride to give up. Too wrapped up on who he use to be. He
went to war. A war he quickly lost. His right hand men were killed. One of them
got his nuts cut off. The young cats was tryna send a message. Told him we had
one more week. My dad was too far gone by then. He would never give up. The
week came and went. And the next week we were burring my brother. I told my
dad, I'd never forgive him. Told him in his face. I left the state. Didn't want
anything to do with em. Few months later, he died of a heart attack. My mom, my
sisters, my family. All got paid. He had money stashed away for all of us. But I
refused to come. I wouldn't come to the funeral. That man had enough money to
pay the ransom and drop out of the game. But he didn't. Too much pride. Too
headstrong. He watched his empire crumble. And I watched my family crumble.
They told me to come pay my respect. Pay respect to the man that had us set for
life. But I couldn't Bee. They would tell me what happened was all in the game.
My own mother said that. But I ain't see that shit. I saw a man that let his son die
to protect money. I couldn't respect that. No honor in that type of pride. I didn't
respect it. And I still don't. I refuse to respect that man, whose face is just like my
face".

"Is this why your family doesn't talk?" I asked, trying to put the pieces together.

He laughed, "I'm the outcast. The one that refused to respect the man. They call
me a hypocrite for using the money that he saved for us. Tell me to this day it
wasn't my dad who killed my brother, it was them gangstas. Tell me to be mad at
them, not my daddy who went to war over his family. I laugh all that shit off. I will
never accept that as justification, Bee. I was in the room. I was there. He could
have paid that ransom. He could have gave them the territory. He could have
went to the police. But he didn't....not for his own son".

He sat there for a moment. I didn't even know what to say. I couldn't even
fathom. My sheltered ass only saw stuff like this in the movies. And that is what
this felt like. A scene out of a movie. And every thought that came to my head in
how to comfort him was a cliche movie move. He turned towards me and eyed
me.

"I'm telling you this Beyonce. Because I trust you. I may not be able to give you a
label for what we have. But I just gave you a piece of my heart that no one else
has. As irrational as it may be. I've given that piece of myself to you. Please,
don't do anything to shatter that trust".

We held each other for a long time. A long time in the dark, both awake, just
listening to each other breathe. I don't know who fell asleep first, but he woke me
up when he was sliding out of bed. When he got into the shower, I decided I'd
make him breakfast. I wasn't a chef or anything but I at least knew how to make
bacon and eggs. I went into the kitchen, still naked, and by the time it was done
he was walking into the kitchen with his normal teaching attire on, glasses and
all, and a huge grin on his face.

"I don't know what I'm more excited over. The bacon and eggs"

"And toast" I added, bringing the just finished bread to his plate.

He laughed "and toast. Or the fact that you did it while naked".

"You get both" I smiled.

He ate, and I served him orange juice and brought him butter and stuff. I liked
serving him. And I especially liked serving him in the nude. It was sexy. A
catering I could get use to.

I sat down at the table naked and drink some juice. We found ourselves giggling
the entire time. I liked the fact that I didn't feel shame in front of him like this. It
was a sign for something. I didn't know what yet, maybe comfort or trust?
Whatever it was, I liked it, and I liked when he asked me to get him some more
juice and he slapped me on the ass.

He finished up, I told him I'd wash the dishes and would shower and meet him at
school in an hour when the class started. He had to be to his office earlier for
anyone that wanted to talk with him before class. When he was at the door, I
wouldn't resist myself. I kissed him and got on my knees. He tried to resist, but I
couldn't put into words how much I wanted to cater to this man. My man. I pulled
his dick out and gave him head, good morning head, before he went to work. He
exploded in a matter of minutes and after I swallowed every drop, I wiped my
mouth and pushed him out of the door, telling him not to be late. His students
needed him. He laughed as he stumbled out to his car, walking all funny.

I laughed to myself, showered, and got ready for his class.

**

"I wouldn't be asking your ass unless I was sure. You wanna come or not?"
Rihanna blasted into the phone, all humor gone from her voice.
"Girl you know I do. I was just making sure you wanted that. I'd love to meet your
dad" I said.

"I just gotta go there, get my mail since he won't send it to me, and we'll be out. I
want you there so he won't try and make me stay".

"Where he live?"

"Panama City. Not that far. A lil drive".

"Ok. So when you coming to get me?"

"I'm already outside of your house. Come outside" she laughed.

"What? What if I woulda said no?"

"I would have hung up on your ass, called you a b*tch under my breath, and kept
on driving" she said bluntly.

I laughed, "Girl bye".

I walked grabbed my purse and left my room. Michelle was in the living room
working on an essay. I had already written the essay at Carters crib. It was
unethical, but he had given me extra help with the assignment. We kissed as he
told me answers and ended up having sex on his sofa. Just happened the
previous day.

"Where you going?" she asked, keeping her face towards the computer screen.

"Out with Rih" I said, "To see her daddy".

"Uhmm. You gon be out all night again?" she snickered.

I giggled, "No. I'll be back before it's late. Hopefully at least. He lives in Panama
City. If not, I will call and let you know" I said.

"Ok, Bee. Whatever you say. Be careful" she sighed.

"What?" I grinned.

"Nothing" she grinned back.

"Nah for real. I know you holding something back".

"Well personally. I think you are effin someone. You just a smiling. And wearing
new outfits. Tight clothes. Out all night. But hey, you say you ain't so, whatever.
Do you babygirl" she said.

I laughed and walked over towards her before giving her a hug she didn't want.
She resisted but I planted a big kiss on her cheek anyway.

"I promise. We'll talk" I said, before making my way towards the door.

"And I want all the juicy details" she smiled as I left.

I was going to give her details. But not of me and Carter. I had decided I was
going to have to make up a guy that I had been seeing because it was obvious
she was on to my behavior. If I could calm her nerves and let her think she is on a
big secret, me getting busy with some guy, then her curiosity would no longer
get the best of her. Carter and I both decided it would be the best route. Let
everyone think they are right.

I made it out the car and was surprised when I saw Rih. She looked, for once,
conservative. Not much make up, clothes that fit, and no outlandish jewelry or
accessories. And her newest tat was covered because she had on gloves. Me and
her had gone to a Halloween Party the other week at the club, she as the White
Swan and me as the Black Swan, but that was for play play. Dress up and shit.
Why was she now still looking innocent and pure?

"You look.....normal" I said, eying her casual jeans, tennis shoes, and sweater.

"F*ck off" she said as she backed out of the driveway.

I laughed.

She shot out of the driveway and seemed to be jittery. I had never seen her like
this. Not even when she was going to get naked in front of people did she seem
this uncomfortable. No evil grin. No smartass comments. Just jitters. Shit, her
eyes were even focused on the road.

"Girl, what's wrong? You actin' funny" I stated.

"I hate going over here" she said.

"Why he just won't send you the mail? What kinda mail is it?"

"Cuz he is a monster. I told you that. Just wants to make my life a living hell. And
he has letters from my mom. She ain't have my new address. And he won't give
her my number or nothing. Told me I gotta come get the shit. I've bee avoiding it
for months".

"I'm kinda scared. You make him sound like some predator. Like Ima have to
watch my back in his house" I sighed.

She didn't say anything. Just turned up the radio and turned the corner.

"Rih" I said, trying to get her out of this weird trance. I knew just the subject to do
it.

"Rihanna!" I screamed.

"What? I'm trying to get my mind right" she barked.

"You invited me, asshole" I laughed.

She shook her her and grinned, before turning her head "Yes, Beyonce. How may
I help you?"

"I did it" I said softly.

She frowned up her face and raised her eyebrow.

"Did, wha?"

"It" I smiled, harder.

"And WHAT is IT?" she said, raising her voice and losing control of the SUV. She
did this all the time when she was focusing on something else. I knew quickly not
to tease her for too long. Shit.

"Sex. And. I liked doing it too" I laughed out loud hearing my words.

She looked at me and then the road, then me for a few seconds longer and then
shook her head.

"You lying. Stop lying to me. You're not a good liar" she reasoned with herself.

"I ain't lyin'" I smirked.

"Yes you ARE" she barked, as if she was mad, but her grin slowly creeping
through.

"Ok. Believe what you want" I rolled my eyes.

"Ok then. If you did it. How did it feel? The first time" she side eyed.

"It hurt" I shot quickly.

She laughed, "Oh My Gawd. You are telling the truth. WHO, b*tch? Who
deflowered your undercover fast ass?"

"A guy from my school" I smiled.

"Beyonce, NO! A guy from FAMU? Please, tell me you're lying. Not one of them
niggas" she pleaded with me.

"Rih you are gonna stop talking bad on my school. But no I'm not lying. He is in
one of my classes" I said, telling the truth.

"Damn. You are serious, huh? Jesus. You're getting too fast for me. Just getting yo
cherry popped out of nowhere. I ain't even know you was seeing someone. It
wasn't that drug dealing nigga, was it? Please tell me it wasn't. I will disown your
ass if it was" she pressed.

I giggled, "No. It wasn't him. Tip and I are just friends. The guy is a sweet guy. I
really like him".

"You suck his dick?"

I laughed.

"YOU DID?! Oh wow. I guess you do like him. Wait, did you swallow? If you
swallowed, then you might even love the man".
"It tasted salty" I giggled which almost made her lose control of the SUV yet
again.

She nearly lost control another four or five times as we made our way down the
highway. I wouldn't tell her it was Carter, but I gave her the explicit details of my
first time, from my hair being pulled to his morning blowjob and breakfast on the
table. She was usually a talker. But as I told the story, her ass just listened. She
seemed shock by the details. Seeing her be so surprised made me reevaluate my
own actions. Was I really fast? Did I really act so out of character? Shit. I just
wanted to please the man I was feeling. What was so shocking about that?

"This man got you cooking him breakfast, ironing his drawls, and swallowing his
children. What are you getting out of it?" she asked.

"Where you get ironing his underwear from?" I burst out laughing.

"Cuz, negro. If you making him breakfast and sucking his dick. Then when he got
time to iron his shit? You prolly took care of that too. Right after running his
bathwater and wiping his ass" she said, shaking her head.

"Oh shut up. You make it sound like the worst thing in the world to cater to a
man" I said.

"Hey. That's you. Couldn't be me. I ain't into that 1970s leave it to beaver house
wife shit. I like to suck dick. I like to get f*cked. In my ass or my pussy, shit. But I
ain't cookin shit unless I'm eating it. He can have whatever I don't want. And
even then that's a stretch cuz I might want leftovers later. I'm just not down with
all that submissive shit. Gives me the heebie jeebies" she said.

"Mess. Nothing but a mess" I laughed.

I think she was glad for my company and my virginity tale. She relaxed. She
calmed down. And she got a chance to not think about seeing the man she
considered to be a monster. I was happy to help ease her mind as we rode. We
talked and laughed most of the way, but when we were about 10 minutes away,
she reverted back to the nervous wreck she was when I first got in. This man had
to be something else. And I wondered if all of her feminist ideology came as an
after effect of her cutting ties with him.
We pulled into a community filled with mansions. Surely for the rich retired old
people in Florida or the hot shot lawyers and doctors in Florida. Rihannas dad was
one of the hot shot doctors. When I looked at her ass, still not believing the size
of her dads crib, she gave me a look and simply sighed.

"Looks can be deceiving. This place is hell. And he is the devil" she said as she
parked.

We walked up to the house and I started to get butterflies. I didn't know what to
expect. I expected the Scrooge. Some evil villain that I could hate upon first view.
But when the man answered the door, I instead saw a soft faced well groomed
man with a golf shirt and pants on. He looked right at Rihanna and a smile spread
across his face before he turned to me and smiled.

"Been a while" he smiled towards, Rih.

"2 years" she responded dryly.

"2 long" he responded, looking at her.

He turned his attention towards me while she looked annoyed.

"And who is your friend?"

"My girlfriend. We're dating" Rihanna answered for me, which caught me the f*ck
off guard.

He tilted his head back as his mouth dropped a little, but he quickly twisted it into
a smile.
"Your name?" he asked, extending his hand.

"B...Beyonce" I said, giving him my hand while looking at Rih. She was telling me
with her eyes to play along.

"Nice to meet you Buh Beyonce" he smiled.

He invited us in, and immediately I was surrounded by wealth. I could hardly

stand it. How much was this man actually worth? Who was he a doctor for? The
President?

"Rih I am really glad you came. I know you hate me for not sending you the mail.
But I think it's a shame that you refuse to come see me or let me know where
you are staying. So if this is the only way I can see you, then I will play the bad
guy" he said.

"What you mean? I sent you a pic of me not too long ago. You can see that
anytime you want" she said, referring to the naked picture of her.

"Oh yeah. That" he said before motioning for us to follow him. We walked past a
bunch of luxurious living shit right into a room with art and sure enough, the
portrait of Rihannas naked ass was framed on the wall. I could tell Rih was pissed
when she saw it because she walked right out of the room.

"Where is the mail, so I can go?" she barked as she walked out.

"Beyonce. How do you deal with this girl? Does she always want it her way?" he
asked me, smiling.

"Uhm. Yeah" I said, really feeling upset that Rih had dragged me in the middle of
this. I didn't understand why.

Her dad was quite attractive, which surprised me. He looked young. Maybe his
early to mid 40's, and he was in good shape.

"I don't act this way with everyone" Rihanna said.

"Oh just me? Because I am the worst man in the world, right" he responded.

"In my world, yes" she shot.

"Rihanna. I haven't seen you in too long. I won't give you the mail until you and
your girlfriend come sit down and talk for a minute" he said.

She looked over at me and I was still tripping over the fact that I was suppose to
be her girlfriend. But I followed along, out of confusion and obligation since she
was my girl. He led us into another room, which I figured was one of many living
rooms. But this was also was connected to a patio with a damn tree in the middle
of it. This man was loaded.

"To be honest. I didn't know you were, ghay, or bisexual, Rihanna" he said.

"You don't know a lot of things, dad" she spat.

He offered us something to drink. Rihanna answered no for both of us. I was kind
of thirsty, but I decided not to play too much into his hospitality. After all of the
horrible things she had said about him, maybe she was acting this way for a
reason.

We sat down and he looked over at us. Rihanna was seriously f*cked up. She was
bouncing her leg nervously and looking so uncomfortable. I had never seen her
like this.

"Beyonce. I am curious. What has my daughter told you about me?"

"None of your business" Rihanna said.

He didn't even pay her any attention.

"Beyonce, please. I'm curious" he said.

"Hey, I don't want to be in the middle of this" I said, holding my hands up.

"She told you about the abortion, right?" he asked.

I looked at Rih and she was rolling her eyes and staring out to the tree on the
outside.

"Well, Yeah" I said, hoping I wasn't stepping on any toes.

"Did she tell you I apologized for it?"

"How do you apologize for forcing me to kill my child?" Rihanna shot.

"Rihanna. You know why I wanted you to have that abortion. And you know why
you got pregnant in the first place" he said.

Rihanna was looking at me now. I felt so uncomfortable. I hated being in the

middle of someone elses argument. It was so embarrassing and rude. I just tried
to remain neutral about it all.

"Beyonce. I don't know what all she has said. But I was wrong and I have
apologized to her for my role in it. But it's something deeper with Rihanna" he
said.

"Yeah whatever. Keep trying to play down the fact that you threatened to make
my mom start whoring again if I didn't kill my baby".

He looked at her and lowered his head. He stayed like this for a moment. And I
felt the tension between both of them. I hated it. When he raised his head, he
smiled embarrassingly and stood up.

"Beyonce, wanna see RiRi when she was a little girl?" he asked.

"Oh Gawd. You are so evil" she angrily grinned while balling up her first.

I looked over at her. I wasn't going to go if she didn't want me to. But she was
rolling her eyes like she had an attitude with me. The hell? I didn't even do
anything.

"Gon head" she hissed at me, waving me away.

I got up, and wearily followed the well dressed man into another room where he
had all kinds of family pictures up. I immediately noticed many of them were Rih.
He was in many of them, they were smiling, seemingly happy, seemingly normal.
I had no idea how it got to this point.
"She use to be so much happier. So much more reasonable. She's still intelligent.
Just as determined as I've always known her to be. But it's as if my one mistake
when dealing with her caused her to turn every inner hurt she's ever felt in her
life against me".

"Well, not to be rude, sir. But you did force her into an abortion. I can understand
why it would be hard for her to forgive you" I offered, in as nice of words as I
could put it.

He nodded his head while putting his hands behind his back.

"She ever tell you why she got pregnant?" he asked me.

Before I could answer, Rih had joined me.

"Is he filling your head with lies, Bee" she burst in.

"What lies am I telling, Rihanna? That you only got pregnant so you could get
back at me?" he said.

She didn't say anything, just angrily stared at him.

"You what?" I asked at her, "You said you didn't plan to get pregnant".

"Oh she planned it. She planned it right after I met and got engaged with my ex
wife. Thought that would get rid of her. Thought by self destructing, as she has
done ever since she moved with me, that she could keep me to herself" he said.

"You don't know anything" Rih spat.

"I know you needed help, Rih. I know you still do. And I know you may not trust
anything I ever tell you. But I do love you and I do want you to snap out of this
stage you are in. You are too smart and too beautiful and too"

"Shut the f*ck up, damn. Give me my damn mail so I can leave" she yelled out of
anger.

She was full of tears now. I had never seen her even remotely close to crying.
And here she was, breaking down, and I was getting mindf*cked when I tried to
understand why. I mean, my mind was attempting to connect the dots here, but
none of it was adding up. NONE of it.

"Beyonce. My daughter needs someone that won't judge her for...how she is. I
hope you can do that, because I admit. Over the years. I failed" he sighed.

She was crying now, tears streaming down her red eyes.

"You did. Failure. You f*cking failure. Loser" she said out of breath before looking
at me and walking out of the room and then out of the front door.

He started to run after her, but she was gone. He cursed at himself and then
turned to me.

"I pushed her too hard. I wanted to actually get through to her this time" he said
before reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a stack of letters, all of them
unopened.

"Here's what she came for. Obviously, she still isn't willing to forgive me" he said,
handing them to me.

"What is wrong with her?" I asked him, feeling my own tears coming to my eyes.

"Something happened when she was living with her mother. And she thought the
same thing was going to happen while living with me. And she self destructed
when it didn't happen. I can't reach her. She won't let me. It's going to take
someone she can trust" he laughed to himself. A pitiful and sad laugh, before
finishing.

"Unfortunately. She doesn't trust anyone" he smiled.

I left his home and headed towards the SUV where she was sitting, her eyes
dried, her eyes revealing a broken spirit. I got in the car and handed her the
letters. She didn't say anything. She took the letters and tossed them in the
backseat before hauling ass out of his parking lot.

I was afraid she wasn't going to be focusing on the road and sure enough, we
almost hit another car because she wasn't paying attention when she switched
lanes. I wasn't going to risk this.

"Pull over. Ima drive" I said.

"Just shut up" she barked at me.

"Rih. Pull over. Right now" I said sternly.

"Bee, just please shut up. I'm really annoyed right now".

"Which is why you shouldn't be driving. Pull over. I will drive. You can relax".

"No" she blurted.

"Then let me out. I'm not riding with you" I said, meaning that shit.

She laughed, "And how you gonna get home, dipshit? Walk?"

"If I have to" I said, bypassing her namecalling.

She rolled her eyes and when she saw a gas station she pulled into it, put the car
in park and we traded spots.

"Happy?" she fake smiled after being buckled in.

"No. I'm not. I am f*cking far from happy right now, Rih. What in the world went
on back there?" I said, trying to get use to the feel of the SUV before I pulled off.

"Nothing you'd understand, miss perfect" she shot at me.

"Why are you taking whatever you are feeling inside out on me?" I barked at her.

"Oh don't worry. When I get home and a knife is in my grasp, I will turn the anger
back on me" she grinned evilly.

I felt the tears coming to my eyes again. Why was she being like this?

"Rih. I am f*cking scared right now. Please, tell me what is going on with you" I
said.

"Beyonce. It's something you would never understand so don't even waste your
time trying" she sighed.

"Stop telling me what I won't understand, Rihanna. You wanna know what I don't
understand? Someone that I trust with my life, now acting like I am so dumb ass
stranger that has never attempted to get her".

"Ok, so you've tried to get me. Doesn't mean you get me" she said, rolling her
eyes.

"You won't let me" I yelled.

"Beyonce, please. It's just some things in life that some people just don't have it
in them to understand. They just don't. I know you. I've been around you long
enough to know you would find me disgusting and a f*cking mess if I tried to
make you understand me. I'd rather you know me as the fun loving girl. You don;t
need to be stressed about the other shit".

"Try me, Rihanna. TRY ME. I've accepted you for YOU this entire time we have
known each other. If you are too much of a coward to express who you are, then
that is on you. Don't blame it on me".

"Try you? Coward? Ok, how about this, miss understanding. How would you feel
about me if I told you I tried to f*ck my daddy when I moved there? Huh? How
would you feel knowing that I tried to get rid of all them b*tches he would mess
with, huh? How would THAT make you feel about your friend? Still like me? Still
love me? Miss home schooled. That the type of honesty you think you can
handle?"
"You are the most conditional person I have ever met, Rih. I love you for you. I
don't care about your issues or your past or how f*cked up you think you are. And
it hurts me that you actually think I would treat you differently based on what you
just admitted to me".

She laughed, "Well you'd be the first, shawty. That's for damn sure".

"So why not let me be the first? You are the FIRST b*tch I let talk me into taking
off my damn clothes for a class. But YOU DID IT. You are the first b*tch I trusted
enough to change my entire outlook on life, from men to feminism to art. But I
guess you can't see that, huh? Too focused on your self to see that you mean a
lot to me".

"All that shit you did, you did it cause you had it in you to do all along" she said,
this time sounding more soft.

"No. I did it because of you. Because I trusted you and your opinion and your
encouragement. The day you told me you wouldn't lie to me. I believed you. I
don't know why, but I did".

"Well you shouldn't have" she said, looking out the window.

"No. I'm glad I did. Because I know you meant what you said. You are just letting
whatever fear you have built inside that no one can love you for you, make you
have doubts about a friendship when it's in front of you".

Releasing my anger at her felt good at the moment, but not when I saw her eyes
become glossy again. Now I was the one about to crash. I wasn't use to driving
this big of a vehicle. I ended up turning on the next exit just so I could get
something to drink and relax my head, because I was about to dehydrate. When
we made it to the gas station, neither one of us got out immediately. We were
thinking. She had wiped her eyes, determined not to cry in front of me again. I
just started looking over at her ass. She made me so sick. But for some reason.
Whatever reason. I had to be here for her. I couldn't abandon her like she thought
I would. I wouldn't judge her. I wouldn't become what she expected. I would defy
those expectations.

"Rih. You are my friend. And I'm not letting you weasel your way out of it. I don't
care what you say, or what you did, or how you feel. You're stuck with me now" I
said, trying to make a joke.

She eventually laughed at it after trying to hold it in. She was staring out the
window.

"Bee. I hate that you saw me like this".

"I'm glad I saw you like this. You've seen me at my worse. Why can't I see you?" I
asked.

"Cuz you said a while ago that you looked up to me. Don't know how you can do
that now".

"I still do, Rihanna. I mean, who else do I know that would send a naked drawing
of them to their dad? I'm tryna work up the courage to send my own daddy a
picture" I said, which caused both of us to start laughing, out of irony,
embarrassment, and relief.

"Bee" she said aloud after we had calmed down.

"What?"

"Thanks" she said simply.

"Thank me by going in the store and getting me a Snickers, some beef jerky and
a coke" I smiled.

She side eyed me, "So it's like that now?"

"Yep. And bring me back my damn change" I grinned.

She left to go get my shit. I was still a bit angry at how she had reacted. But push
came to shove, she wasn't going to run me off. I STILL loved her crazy ass.
Although now I knew that the crazy part of it wasn't much of a joke. She had
some deep rooted problems.
Chapter 19

Calm. Bliss. Beautiful. The sunset, just a brief moment in the sky before darkness
engulfs every area. The tense transition between two opposites where the sky
becomes a painting of contrasting colors. Calm, right before a storm. While
holding the hand of the man of my dreams, the sunset just seemed all the more
awe inspiring to me.

"What you thinkin?" Carter asked as we drove to his house from the grocery
store.
I continued staring out at the purples and oranges and yellows of the sky.

"Nothing" I lied, knowing he'd be able to read right through it.

He chuckled to himself and tightened the grip on my hand as he drove. When we

got to a red light he looked over at me.

"What are you thinking?" he asked again.

I smiled and looked at him. He was smiling too, a weak smile contingent on a
truthful reveal.

"How amazing my life is right now" I said, hoping it didn't sound as arrogant to
him as it did to me.

"How so?" he asked as the light turned red and he re-focused on the road.

"When you come from where I came from. Never having experienced the world.
It's almost surreal to then be introduced to a whole nother world filled with
people and experiences and food and culture. I'm just trying to take it all in
stride, but it's overwhelming".

"Did you really throw food up in there?" he laughed.

"Yes I did" I shot at him, "I might even be willing to try Octopus salad next time" I
grinned.

"Thought you said your parents own a restaurant?"

"They do. But soul food and the places you take me to eat is just two different
things. I'm finding taste buds I never even knew existed every-time you take me
out".

"Well ima show you i'm more than just a eat out type of guy. Ima throw down
tonight" he said confidently.

"I'm looking forward to it. And it better be good, since you brag so much" I rolled
my eyes.

"And what if it ain't?"

"You get C minus loving" I joked.

We both laughed.

We pulled into his driveway and both got out of the car so we could carry the
small amount of groceries from the backseat. When our heads dipped inside the
back of the car, we shortly stopped for a kiss, something we had started doing on
a consistent basis at school. The night sky was now in place, the autumn breeze
circling around us. It was just past 6, and I was starving. Starving for food and
starving to make love to my man.

Once inside, he hit the fireplace, one thing about his house that I loved,
especially since we lived in Florida, and motioned for me to join him in the
kitchen. He was going to cook stir fry with sauteed veggies, wine, chicken and he
said my only responsibility was to cook the rice. It was cute the way he'd make us
work as a team anytime we did something together. When he looked at my car,
he was explaining to me every step and having me hand him tools and towels
and stuff. When I needed a cake for Michelle's birthday, he insisted we bake one
for her, and he had me in his kitchen beating the batter in a bowl. I especially
enjoyed that because we ended up licking chocolate off each other the entire
time.

He had one of those kitchens designed for people that loved to cook. Expensive
steel pots and pans and and all types of knives and cutting boards and
seasonings. I was shocked one day when I went over that he barely had any food
in his fridge, just drinks. He told me it was because he preferred to shop for
groceries every day, just to get what he was going to cook and eat for the day
instead of stockpiling at one time. This allowed him to only eat fresh fruit, meats,
and veggies. It was a must for him, especially since he was a huge sea-food guy.

He said his love for seafood was inherited from his father, who once worked at
the fish market in New York as a teen. His father developed a love for fishing and
all kinds of seafood and when he had a family, he got his kids and wife hooked on
things as exotic as calamari to sushi. Carter was very selective with his though,
he scuffed at the idea of eating at Red Lobster and would say places like Long
John Silver should be shut down. But I couldn't hate the man for his strong
preferences, especially since I felt in my heart he saw me as one of the finer
things in life.

Our relationship still lacked an official title, but I still considered him my man. We
went on dates often, a lot of times out of the city, and even went to a Jazz
Festival down in Tampa for a weekend. In just a few months, we had learned so
much about each other that it felt silly to consider us anything less than a couple.
I was always at his house and even when we couldn't spend time together in a
traditional sense, we found ways to at school.

He was reluctant at first, almost adamant that we kept our distance in public. But
I pushed. I pushed because I discovered that while Carter was a strong willed
man, he was pretty weak when it came to saying no to me. Once I understood
this fully, I started raising my hand in class and slipping in some innuendo or
inside joke that only he and I would understand. The class seemed oblivious to it
all, Carter seemed a bit aggravated, but I could tell he thought it was sexy.

"See you next week, Miss Williams and Miss Knowles" he'd say sarcastically as I
left with Michelle.

After a few weeks of this, I made a bold and daring move. I was just too excited
and horny in class and on campus to know that my man was around and I
couldn't have him. One day I made my way to his office while he was on lunch
break. He wasn't there so I decided to wait at his locked door. When he finally did
come, I told him I needed some help with my work. He knew I was full of shit but
he shook his head and let me inside anyway. Once the door was closed I made
my way over to him and we started kissing.

The door was unlocked which made our little break in character all the more
exhilarating. He grabbed my ass as I sucked his lips. But I wanted to suck on
more than just that. See, I discovered that my favorite part of pleasing Carter
was giving him head. It was so rewarding to see him literally break down
whenever I had him in my mouth. It was my love for doing it that made me quite
a natural at it. He'd often question where did I learn how to do this and that, but
I'd laugh off his questioning and reaffirm that he was my first, in everything.

When I started to push him back towards his chair I could tell he was both
frightening and excited, the only question was which would win out.

"No...Bee....NO" he whispered loudly as he wrestled with my probing hands that

were reaching for his belt buckle.

"Yes" I seductively said.

He was scared now. Holding my hands away from his body and looking directly in
my lust filled eyes.

"Bee. Wait till later tonight, ok?" he tried to reason with me.

"No. I want it now" I demanded.

He tried to fight with me some more, but he never put any real conviction in his
voice or body language, just like the night in the car. I pushed him in the chair,
got under his desk and pulled out his dick and went to work. The danger of the
situation made him taste so much better. I was sure it made the blowjob feel
much better for him too, because he came in a mater of minutes.

I swallowed and was cleaning him up with my tongue, when the door came open.
I couldn't tell who it was, but Carter immediately postured up in his seat and my
heart nearly stopped in my chest. We were caught, I just knew it.

Fortunately for both of us, his desk was long on the back so no one could see that
I was underneath and when I recognized the voice was Professor Pounders, I
wiped my own mouth and waited it out. I prayed to God she wouldn't walk to this
side.

"Were you busy?" she asked.

Carter coughed, and slowly started putting his penis in the slit of his pants, "No.
Just got back from lunch" he said uneasily.

"Oh yea? Where did you eat? You are forever eating at some spot I never heard
of" she said.

I helped put his penis back in and slowly, very slowly, started zipping him back
up. If she heard the zipper, either she would think he had been masturbating or
that something crazy was going on under the desk.

"Nothing crazy today. Subway" he said, his voice returning to almost normal.

She laughed, "Well can you look at these pap-"

He stood up, "Uh. Yeah. I can" he said sharply, walking from around his desk. I
assumed she had started walking closer to the desk. I felt dizzy from holding my
breath and thought my thumping heart could be heard through the entire room
because it was so loud in my head. Carter cut off the light in the office and led
her outside of the room. I stayed on my knees under the desk and waited. He
came back about 10 minutes later, cutting on the light and calling for my name.

When I came up, he was heated.

"Bee. You could have gotten me caught" he spat at me.

I didn't say anything. Felt like I was being scolded like a child, but he had
participated in it too, why should I accept all of the blame?

"Do you want me to get caught?' he eventually asked.

"You know that isn't what I want" I said in a low tone.

I left the office without even a kiss and we went the rest of the day with an
attitude with each other. He texted me later, I came to his crib, and we had make
up sex, laughing in bed about what had happened earlier in the day. Soon after,
our school moments of passion started occurring more frequently. He knew
where all of the cameras were and we made sure to avoid them. He ate me out in
his office, with the doors locked this time. We f*cked in the back of the classroom
after his last class for the day. We even showered together in the basketball
lockeroom one night since he had gotten the keys from the janitor, 69ing each
other on the bench to help dry off. We were taking all types of risks. And those
risks were almost as addicting as the sex itself.

I had told Michelle I met some guy that I was having sex with, and it explained
away why I either would come home late or not come at all. We were taking risks,
but we were also covering on tracks, especially Carter. He double and tripple
checked situations before we'd engage in any risky behavior, from sex at school
to going out on dates in public. He wasn't as reckless as I tended to be. His risks
were all calculated.

As he cooked the stir fry for our little date, I measured and started on the white
rice. It was a simple task, over in less than a minute, so I decided to make us
salads too. Fresh lettuce, fresh cucumbers and carrots. I loved using his knives to
cut food, it made preparing food more fun than it was any other time. We'd stop
for a few seconds to examine each others work, make a joke, and kiss, and then
get back to what we were doing. He tossed the stirfry around like he was a chef,
the flames briefly jumping up like they did on those cooking TV shows.

In less than half an hour, our dinner was made. The stir fry was incredible, just
like he said it would be, although I told him I had tasted better. He could tell I was
lying. The dishes went into the dish washer and our horny asses went into his
bedroom where he lit candles and put on some music. He gave me a massage
first, one better than the one I had received at the spa, but maybe that was
because his hands knew my body better than the masseuse did.

He was firm and confident with his hands and fingers, and actually did a
wonderful job of hitting my pressure points and relaxing my body. After we gave
each other a round of oral sex, we f*cked ourselves into multiple orgasms and
were ready for bed by 8:30. My stomach wasn't sitting right, so I discretely
slipped out of bed after I had been holding it in, and made my way to his
bathroom. Before I got there I glanced over towards his walk in closet and smiled
to myself. Just months earlier, it was filled with only his clothes. Now, a good
portion of the closet had my clothes and accessories that he had bought as well.
There was no way I was anything other than his woman.
I still felt funny about using his bathroom but I pushed the thoughts out as I
handled my business, lighting a match like I had been told to do anytime you
ever had to use a guys bathroom. I figured still be sleeping when I came back
anyway.

I was wrong. He didn't have locks on his bathroom doors and as I sat on hit toilet,
dropping loads, his ass came walking in.

"I'm using it" I said, which was futile, because he walked in anyway just a
grinning.

"I know you ain't in here stankin' up my bathroom" he laughed.

"Shawn. OUT!" I barked, feeling so embarrassed.

"Why? It's my bathroom" he said, standing there with his arms crossed.

"For real, Shawn. Please. This is private" I said, hoping he wouldn't see this as a
joke.

He didn't budge. Standing there with his arms folded, looking at me. I was getting
kind of angry, but there wasn't really anything I could do about it. I was naked
sitting on his toilet and I still had to wipe so I couldn't just get up. I just looked at
him, like, really?

"You really dont want me to see you like this?" he asked, his grin fading.

"No. It's private" I said.

He laughed to himself, shook his head, and closed the door. I was annoyed by the
whole exchange, but I simply cleaned myself, washed my hands, and took a deep
breath when I returned. He wasn't in the bedroom. His boxers were no longer on
the floor either. I picked up my panties and t shirt, put it on and went looking for
him. He was sitting on the couch in his living room watching CNN. I wondered if
for some reason he was mad at me, when I was the one that should have been
mad at him.

I made my way over to the couch and sat down, a little away from him, just in
case he didn't want me to be on him. He didn't say anything, just watched the
TV, not even looking my way. I looked at him for awhile, and when I could tell he
wasn't going to acknowledge me, I looked at the TV. I watched in silence for a
few minutes, and when boredom set in, I decided to break the silence.

"Who are you gonna vote for?" I asked.

He shrugged, "I don't know yet".

He would normally elaborate on an answer, but he didn't this time.

"You think Obama has a chance to win?" I asked again.

"He has a chance. Don't know how strong" he said simply, still staring at the TV.

I was getting the hint. He wanted to be left alone. I got up and and left him
staring at the TV and ignoring me, walking into his room, and laying in the bed.
Was he really mad at me over that? I turned on his bedroom TV and channel
surfed, eventually stopping at MTV where The Real World was on. Eventually, I
fell asleep and didn't re-awake until dawn. I was surprised that Carter didn't even
join me. He had slept out in the living room.

I walked into the kitchen and he was still sound asleep, remote control in his
hand. I made me some cereal, not caring to cook him any breakfast, and stared
at him while I ate. The crunching of the raisin brand woke him up.

"Where mine at?" he joked, sleep still in his eyes, as he looked my way.

"In the box" I said, upset that he had slept on his couch instead of in bed with
me.

He got up, stretched and yawned, and walked in the kitchen, giving me a kiss on
my forehead, before walking towards the refrigerator.

"Why didn't you get in the bed last night?" I asked, before putting a spoonfull in
my mouth.

He yawned, "Fell asleep watching Cooper. It wasn't on purpose".

I rolled my eyes and took another spoon full.

"You sure it ain't have nothing to do with last night?"

He walked towards me and stopped at my side, "What you mean last night?"

"The bathroom thing".

He laughed, "You not wanting me to see you sh*t?"

I took another bite, and just eyed him.

"Nah, Bee. I just fell asleep".

"So you weren't mad at all?"

"Mad? Nah. I mean, I'd like for you to be comfortable around me to do that, but I
ain't stressing it" he smiled.

"Why would you wanna watch though?" I asked.

"Watching wasn't the point. I wanted to see if you were comfortable with me
seeing you like that" he said.

"Well. I wasn't" I said.

"I know" he smiled, before kissing me on the cheek and then making his way
towards his hallway.

I finished my bowl of cereal wondering what the hell had just happened. I started
thinking about all kinds of things. Like if it made sense that I could strip for
strangers and then be ashamed for Carter to see me in a compromising situation.
I still had not even told him about my job. There were still things about me I was
ashamed for Carter to see or know. What was weird was I was comfortable going
number 2 in Rih's crib with the door wide open, but I'd never in a million years do
it at Carters. What did that mean? Why was it like that? And why did it matter?

We got dressed, undressed each other and had sex, got dressed again, and then
left for school.

**

"You catch on quick, Shawty" Tip smiled as I mashed the buttons as quick as I
could.

The students that had gathered around the 50 inch TV were all laughing and
cheering me on, as I held the plastic guitar and focused in on getting the
sequences of notes down. Michelle was on the side of me playing her guitar, but
she was missing notes left and right. It obviously wasn't something she was very
good at. But this was my first time even attending one of Tips Xbox get togethers
at his apartment, and the first time I had played Rock Band, and I was tearing it
up.

One of Tips friends was on drums, and even with Michelle being the weak link on
bass, we managed to get a pretty good score after a few times trying.

There were around 15 or so people at this get together, with pizzas and sodas
flowing, no alcohol since most there were under 21. But what shocked me was
how fun it actually was. I guess I expected drugs and sex and rock and roll, but
things were a lot more innocent that that. I got a chance to talk to some of the
people I had seen around campus but never really talked to, and when the guys
put on Madden and got really serious about it, the girls broke away and went on
the porch, just talking and enjoying the the conversations. No hating, no jealousy,
no drama.
Carter had insisted I still be active with my friends and people on campus, along
with the whole dating thing, to keep all suspicion at a minimum. I was glad I had
taken his advice because as much as I loved spending time with him, the night
out with Michelle, chilling with Tip, was refreshing.

"I guess the question is, am I black first, or a woman first" Michelle said, as we
discussed Hilary Clinton vs Barack Obama.

"It's a good question" I said.

"Above all else, we are women first" one of the girls said.

"But would more forward progress be shown with a woman being president or a
black man? I think a black man" another girl said.

"I don't know yall. I think even the most racist people would rather a black man
run the country over a woman. A lot of people can't stand the thought of a
woman running anything" I said.

"Beyonce, are you going to run for government next semester?" another girl
asked.

I laughed, "I want to. But, the way I see it. What's the point? Only the Greeks end
up winning".

"Ain't that the truth" Michelle agreed.

"But still. It's worth trying. Shit if it's you vs Nicki, you already know who I'm
voting for" the girl who asked the question laughed.

"Yea. I can't stand that girl. She is so......." Michelle started.

"Fake?" I answered for her with no hesitation.

We all laughed.

"See Bee. We need someone that will stand against her cuz a lot of the chicks on
campus is intimidated by her and her goons" one girl said.

"She calls them her hood barbies. Ugh. She gets on my last nerves" one girl
mentioned.

"Yeah, but her influence is strong yall. And she is really smart. She is majoring in
political science so she knows how to manipulate and talk a good game. I see it
every time I go to the NAACP meeting" I said.

"Well, either way. If you decide to run, we got your back. Last thing we need is for
her to become class president" another girl said.

I eyed each of them, and smiled. It felt good to hear them say all of this.

"Aye, I ain't invite yaw over here to have ya gossipin outside. Come in here and
get beat down on this game" Tip said, peaking out the screen.

"Beat down? You don't want it" I teased.

"Is that a challenge, Beyonce?" he asked.

"It's a warning. I use to play Madden all the time with my cousin at home".

He side eyed me before laughing out loud. The girls that surrounded seemed to
be enjoying our little banter too.

"Ok, miss confident. Lets bet for this game we're about to play" he said.

I raised my eyebrow, "What kinda bet"

"When I win. You let me take you out cuz you've been avoiding me the past few
months" he smirked.

"And what about if I win?" I smiled.

"I'll let you take me out" he laughed.

I shook my head, "Nope. Terrible deal. But I got one in mind" I said looking at the
girls.

"And what's that shawty?"

"If I win. You become apart of my campaign" I smiled.

He lifted his head, "Campaign for what?"

"When I run for government next semester".

The girls laughed and cheered and Tip reacted to us by shaking his head with a
funny smirk across his face. He agreed to the terms and we all made our way
inside. I picked the Eagles and he picked the Falcons, which still had Michael Vick
even though he had been arrested for dog fighting.

Tip jumped out early, I had only played Madden 07 on PS2 so I wasn't use to the
new madden on the Xbox 360, and he capitalized by taking a 14-0 lead. The guys
were laughing, telling me I should put the controller down and things like that.
Even the girls thought it was no way I'd win. I just had to get use to the button
schemes, but I was determined to come back.

He had the ball and was about to score another touchdown when he took off with
Vick for a 40 yard run, but I managed to strip the ball from him and fall on the
fumble. Two plays later, I hit a wide open receiver for a touchdown. The girls
went wild and the boys clowned Tip.

"Damn dawg. She punked you" Smurf laughed.

"I let her score. You know I can't totally embarrass her" Tip said, looking my way
seductively.

I didn't say anything. I wasn't going to trash talk. I was just going to beat him
silently.

The game started to become a defensive struggle as neither of us scored again

by halftime. Tip had been all laughs and giggles when we first started by when it
was the middle of the third quarter and I converted a 3rd and 14 for a first down,
he wasn't smiling anymore. The chatter around us had calmed down a bit,
although people were still making jokes about Tip.

"They are straight cheating" Tip said sucking his teeth after they called a penalty
on him after he had sacked my quarterback. I didn't say anything. Others
laughed.

"The very next play, I ran right up with middle for a touchdown to tie the game at
14. Tip drove down the field, but ended up kicking a field goal to retake the lead.
The 4th quarter came and all of my girls were crossing their fingers and cheering
me on. Tip was tense. Not talking, and just focusing in on the plays.

When he didn't convert a 4th and 4 that would have won the game for him, he
sighed hard and nearly dropped the controlelr on the ground.

"Fvckkkkk" he said as everyone, the girls and the boys, cheered wildly.

It was a minute and a few seconds on the clock. I was down by just 3 points and a
touchdown would win the game and the support of Tip for my campaign. It all
seemed like fate, as I completed two first down passes on my first two plays. I
was confident. I was going to win this game.

I ran with McNabb a few plays later and got down near the goal line with just 25
seconds left. Unfortunately, I got sacked on the next play which forced me to use
my last time out. With 13 seconds left, I faced a 2nd and goal from the 15 yard
line. On the next play I threw a pass to my running back and ran for about 10
yards before being ran out of bounds. There was only enough time for one play. I
could kick the field goal to tie or go for the touchdown, which was only 5 yards
away. I decided to go for the win.

I had the perfect play. I would run all the way to the right side of the field, making
Tip think I was going to run it with McNabb like I had done many times during the
game. And when all of his players came to try and tackle him I would throw it to
the left side of the field to the running back who would be be open in the flats.

The tension was thick. We could hear a grain of sand drop it was so silent. I felt
my heart beating and I could taste the sweat that was dripping from Tips
forehead. It was funny how serious a game could become.

I hiked the ball and did what I wanted to do. All of his defenders tried to tackle
mcNabb as I ran, just like I knew he would. Michelle stood up and was yelling "run
girl, run, run!". This only helped make my fake more effective as I ran to the
sideline. Four or five Falcon players ran in my direction and one was about to hit
me hard. I waited to the very last possible moment before I hit the B button and
threw the pass across the field, all of his defenders crashing into McNabb as I
did.

The ball floated to my running back, and I could sense the air come out of the
room. What a fake! The play was perfect. The execution was perfect. And my
running back was going to easily walk into the endzone when the ball dropped in
his hands. Well, dropped was the keyword there. HE DROPPED IT. I dropped the
controller and dropped my head in anger as the clock showed 0 seconds and Tip
had managed to beat me 17 to 14.
Everyone was booing as Tip laughed.

"Bout time the game stop cheating for her. Got damnit" he smirked.

"What? The game cheated for YOU. She faked your entire defense and then he
gon drop the pass. You got luck on your side, nigga" one of his boys said.

I lifted up my head, sighing, and smiled at the victor. We smiled at each other.

"I ain't even gon lie. Your ass had me mad for a second" he said.

"Give her a rematch" Michelle said.

He looked at her and shook his head, "Nah. I won my date fair and square" he
said, doing a slashing throat gesture.

"He did. He won it fair. And a deal is a deal" I said, eying him.

He stared back and frowned up his face.

"And a friend is a friend. You should know you ain't have to make a bet for me to
help you out with your campaign. I'll do that sh*t just cuz you asked me to".

"Is that right? Well can I admit that I let you win so I could get that date with
you?" I joked.

Everyone laughed again. Someone eventually suggested putting in a scary movie

to watch before we all left for the night and Tip and I went in the den area to talk.
I felt uneasy about it, since I didn't know what exactly he wanted to talk about.
But I felt I owed him that. I had kind of avoided him ever since that kiss in his car.
It was weird how I felt like I would have slept with him that night if he would have
pressed, but now, I didn't even desire to be around him like that. My heart
belonged to one man at this point.

When we sat down and was away from everyone, he grabbed my hand and
looked at me.

"Bee. You know I wouldn't use a bet to get a date with you. If you really don't
wanna go on a date, I'm cool with that. But I do want to know, why? Who have
you been seeing?" he asked.

"Who said I've been seeing anyone?" I smiled.

"Michelle" he laughed.

"What? What she say?"

He laughed, "She ain't say nothing intentionally, Shawty so don't be mad at her.
Earlier tonight she tried to be slick and asked what me and you were doing the
other night. I was like, what you mean? She was talmbout don't play dumb. But I
told her me and you ain't been kicking it. So I knew then you had been seeing
someone and she was thinking it was me".

I shook my head slowly, "Well. I've been seeing a guy, kinda " I said.
"Kinda? What that mean? Either you seeing him or you ain't" he smiled.

"Ok. Well, yeah. I'm seeing someone".

"Damn. After the night in my car, I could have sworn me and you would kick it
more. Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

"No. You didn't. You did nothing wrong, Tip. I just. Kinda wasn't ready for you in
that way".

"In what way?"

"Being with you means the entire school would be in my business. It's kinda hard
to take that" I said.

"Ok, I get that. But did you have to just totally avoid me? Even if we ain't gon kick
it like that Shawty, we are still friends, right?"

I searched him. I felt the sincerity in his tone.

"Yes".

He laughed, "Well good then. So next time I have one of these, you gon be here
right?" he asked.

I nodded my head, "Yep. To beat your ass in Madden" .

He grinned, "Whatever, Shawty. But on the real, you can bring your dude too".

"Is that right?" I pressed.

"Yea. I ain't got no issue with my friends bringing their dudes".

"You won't be jealous?" I teased.

"Of course ima be jealous. But that don't mean sh*t. You're beautiful, I can't help
that".

"Do you tell all the girls that?"

He laughed, "Let's get back to the games, aight?".

He got up, reached for my hand and helped pull me up. Our hand hold lasted a
little longer than it needed to last, and honestly, it felt kind of good. I had to
compose myself.

"Tip?"

"Sup?"

"We can still go on that date if you want to. We just won't call it a date" I said.

"So what we gonna call it? Kicking it?" he smiled.

I nodded and tried to imitate his deep accent, "Kicking it is fine with me" I
grinned.

He playfully pushed me and we made our way up to where everyone else was. I
left his apartment about two hours later, horny and feeling guilty because it was
Tip that had made me horny. I called Carter as soon as I was in my room and the
door was locked and told him about the night and the date. I felt that if I would
keep that from him, then it would mean I had something to hide. I didn't want to
hide anything. I wanted to be upfront and honest.

"Are you mad?" I asked.

"Nah. I told you to do it" he responded.

"But still. That don't mean you ain't mad that I have a date with another guy".

"Bee, listen to me. I trust what we have right now. As long as you trust it too,
then it ain't no reason to be mad or worried. Whatever happens, happens" he
said.

I didn't like the sound of that last part. Sounded very unconvinced.

"Do you think I'd cheat on you?" I asked.

"Bee. That's an unfair question".

"Why is it unfair?"

"Because what we have is so complex and nontraditional that I don't think we can
use traditional terms to label it. If you did anything with Tip, a guy you liked
before me. Would I consider that cheating? I don't know. I think I'd consider it you
following your heart".

"But my heart is with you. The only reason I even agreed to do the whole dating
this is because you told me to".

"And you said you understood why".

"I do. But I don't understand why you wouldn't consider it cheating. I want you to
consider it cheating. If you were f*cking some other girl I would consider it
cheating. I mean, you're not making me feel confident when you say you don't
know if it's cheating".

"It's apples and oranges, Beyonce. I'm not the one people are looking at and
wondering why I'm out at all times of the night. You are. You are the one that has
to throw off people. So you going out with other people could already be
considered cheating if we're using definitions. That's why I said it's more complex
than that. If you are out with a guy on a date and yall kiss, do I have the right to
be mad?"

"YES. You do. And I want you to feel some type of way about it".

"I would".

"Just not that I cheated?"

"Maybe I'm just afraid to see it that way. Because I'd be hurt over it" he said.

"Can I make you a promise? Right here, right now?" I said.

"I don't like promises, Bee".

"Why?"

"Because people are too day to day to follow through on them".

"My feelings for you are not day to day. They are consistent".

"For now".

"Is that how you feel about me? You like me, for now?" I asked.

"No that's not what I'm saying".

"Then you're saying your feelings for me can be consistent, but mine can't for
you? Is it because I'm younger? So my love for you must not be real, then?"

We remained silent for a few moments. I was angry. Angry at how hard this entire
relationship was.

"What promise did you want to make, Beyonce?"

"I promise you that I will never, ever, ever, cheat on you. You may not believe me
or accept what I'm saying. But I promise I won't hurt you like that. I promise on
everything I love and cherish".

"Why do you want to tell me that? To build my confidence?" he asked.

"I'm telling you because I'm not afraid of committing to you".

"You shouldn't be. Your life won't be ruined if you do" he said.

The hurt came immediately.

"So your life is ruined by committing to me?" I asked, tears coming to my eyes.

He sighed, "Beyonce. I ain't mean it like that. I meant if it were to come out".

"Yeah, I bet. I'm sorry for ruining your life".

"Beyonce, stop it. You know that's not what I meant".

"And how do I? How do I know that?"

"So now you are questioning me? Bee, why the f*ck do you think I risk everything
to be with you if I think you are ruining my life? You have been the best thing to
come into my life in a long time. Can't you see that? How don't you see that?"

"It's hard to see it Shawn when you are always acting as if you won't be hurt if
you lose me. It's like you are so sure I'm going to do something to f*ck us up and
because of that you keep one foot in and one foot out. Pushing me to date others
and then saying whatever happens, happens".

"Beyonce. I have told you things I haven't told anyone. I have given you a piece
of my heart that no one else has. Just you. WHat more do you want? What more
do you need to accept that I am all in with us?"

I sighed, "I don't even know anymore. I don't know. Just, whatever. Whatever
happens, happens".

"So now you're mad" he said.

"I'm not mad. Just madly in love with someone I'm not suppose to love".

We breathed into the phone for the next 10 minutes. No words, just breathing. I
was tired. Emotionally and physically spent. I had just told him for the first time I
was in love with him. And my head hurt from the silence being so loud.

"I love you too, Beyonce Knowles" he finally spoke, breaking the silence and a
shackle in his own head.

I tried to hold back the tears, but they came. I had waited and wanted to hear
those words from his mouth. And when they came, I didn't know how to respond
to them. We had known each other for a year and a half, been chatting for nearly
a year, and been dating for just 3 months, but I felt what we had was real and
genuine. I believed a teacher and a student could fall in love with each other. I
believed it and I embraced it.

"You crying?" he asked.

I laughed while the tears flowed, "Yes".

He laughed and took a deep breath, "Just a big baby".

I laughed again, wiping my eyes and the tears that came from several emotions
at once, "I'm not".

"Yeah, you are. My big baby, though".

"Whatever. You can act like a big baby too" I said.

We talked for the next hour, mostly joking with each other, until we both were
about to past out from lack of sleep. We ended the conversation with our first
exchange of I love yous, and I slept peacefully, as peacefully as I had ever slept.
Yet another step in whatever this was that we had. Next step? Letting him see
me use the bathroom. That one was probably still some months (or years) off,
though.

**

I had been getting this weird call all day and it was annoying me. It was an area
code I didn't recognize. I'd get the call, say hello, and then no one would say
anything even though I could clearly hear them on the phone. It was creepy
because they would be breathing and grunting. I told Michelle about it right and
she told me to just ignore the calls, so I did that for the rest of the day.
I went to Carters crib, and he told me I had gotten a A in his class for the
semester which meant I once again had straight A's for the semester. I was
excited, life was good. Carter and I had spent Thanksgiving together in the
evening, although I spent the early part of the holiday with Rihanna. I was so
tempted to tell her who I was seeing, but I just couldn't do it because of the
promises I had made to him.

With the semester over and Christmas break just a few weeks away I was
planning my trip home, where I'd finally get to see my family face to face for the
first time since the little incident. I had spoken to my dad plenty of times since,
we had a pretty decent conversation about moving past the night, but it would be
different actually being there. I still was uneasy about it, but with a lot of family
coming from all over to spend the holidays in Houston and Solange ready to
burst, I knew I couldn't miss it.

I had recently went shopping on Black Friday and bought a bunch of gifts,
including a stroller for my future nephew, Wii for our apartment (Michelle and I
went half on a HDTV), a new digital camera for me, Michelle a blow dryer and hot
comb so she would stop using mine, some cologne for Jarvis, the full series of
Soul Food for Kelly (she was a big fan), some handcuffs and a whip for Carter and
some gift cards for people like Chris and Ricky. I was there with RiRi the day she
opened her mail which included a picture of her and her mom. It was a faded,
almost ruined picture. I borrowed it without asking, went to see if the picture
could be fixed and then blown up for a portrait, and after I discovered it could be
saved, I paid for that which would be her Christmas gift from me. She'd probably
b*tch about me taking the picture and everything, I know how she was, but I also
knew deep down she'd appreciate it.

When I was done shopping, I had exhausted a lot of my savings. So much for
saving up for a rainy day. I decided that instead of purchasing a plane ticket,
which would be expensive around this time, I would just drive to Texas. Carter
would have paid for my ticket if I would have asked, but I decided not to. I guess
a part of me wanted to have my car there with me just in case.

When I got to Carters we ate and talked and I helped him pick out a bedroom
theme for his daughter out of an online magazine.

"When is she coming?" I asked.

"I don't know when exactly. But I want her room to be nice when she does get
here".

"Well babe, just cuz I like this doesn't mean she will".

He laughed, "I know. But you do have a feminine touch".

"You wanna feel my feminine touch?" I teased.

Before he could answer my phone was going off. Once again, it was from that
area code I didn't recognize. I rolled my eyes and threw my phone in my purse.

"Who dat?"

"I don't even know. Someone has been calling me and not saying anything. I
don't even know the area code".

"Did you google it?" he asked.

"Nah, I just left it alone".

He smirked to himself and reached for the phone in my purse.

"Damn, all up in my koolaid. What flavor is it?" I said, only because someone had
said it to me earlier in the week.

"The hell does that mean?" he spat while looking at the missed call.

I laughed, "I don't even know. Sounds funny though. But you is being nosey right
now".

"This is a North Carolina area code" he said, handing me back the phone, "You
don't know anyone in North Carolina?".

"No. Not that I can think of" I said.

I put the phone away and I laid on top of him as he ran his fingers through my
hair. And then it hit me. I knew who it was. I knew who had been calling me. I
jumped out of his arms and hurriedly searched through my phone for the
number. I called. It rang. Someone answered but didn't say a word.

"Hello? Ca...Camile? Is that you Camile?" I called out.

"Who is-" I put my hand up to keep Carter quiet.

"Camile this is you isn't it?" I asked, just knowing it was.

I heard the person on the other end, but couldn't make out what they were trying
to say.

"Ok. Camile, if this is you, press 1. If this isn't Camile, don't press anything".

Immediately, I heard a button in my ear. I screamed.

"Oh wow. Hi Camile. I'm so glad you called me. I'm sorry I didn't know who this
was at first" I said, checking Carter looking crazy out of the side of my eye. He
didn't know what was going on.

I didn't exactly know what she was calling for, but I remembered how she liked to
just have people talk to her. SO I decided I would just talk. What else could I do?

"Well, Camile. I hope you had a good thanksgiving. I had turkey, and ham,
and....damn, what else did I have?" I asked, looking Carters way.

"Cabbage, mac-"

"Oh yeah. Cabbage and Mac and cheese. I cooked the cabbage and dressing
myself. Girl, you should have been there, it was good".

I could hear her laughing. It wasn't a laugh you'd recognize if you hadn't heard
her laugh before, because it was strained and rough. I was so glad that she had
actually called me after all of this time but I was wondering why it had taken so
long and why she had called me so many times today. Was she in trouble? Or did
she just want to hear me talk to her? There were so many questions I wanted to
ask her. But I first continued talking. I told her about school and that I had
recently become a fan of Seinfeld, and that I was hoping to see her again next
summer.

"Camile, are you ok? If something is wrong, press 1. If nothing is wrong, don't
press anything" I said.

The sound from the one button went off several times, the last time it held in my
ear for a few seconds. Something was wrong.

"Sweety, what's going on? Is someone hurting you?"

She pressed 1.

"Ok. Have you told anyone? Press 1 if you told someone what is going on".

She didn't press anything.

"Camile. Listen to me, you are going to have to tell someone that someone is
hurting you" and then I remembered how difficult it was for her to communicate.
They usually had to ask the right questions for her to be able to tell them.

"The person who is hurting you. If it's a man, press 1".

No response.

"If the person is a woman, press 2".

No response.

Now I was puzzled.

"Camile, sweety. I'm confused. Who is...How..."I didn't even know what to ask
anymore.

"Bee, we gotta call the police if she is being hurt by someone" Carter said, after
catching on.

"Camile, I'm going to call the police, ok?"

She pressed 1.

"Do you want me to call the police? If yes, press 1".

She didn't press anything.

"So you don't want me to call the police?

She pressed 1. I assumed 1 now meant yes for her. Like one of those voice
automated things. But this was still a big mystery. She said a man nor a woman
was hurting her and that she didn't want the police to be called. Maybe we had
gotten our wires crossed somehow.

"Camile. Ima ask again. Is someone hurting you? If someone is, press 1".

She pressed 1.

I sighed, because it didn't make sense. What was she trying to tell me?

"Is someone touching you? Sexually?"

She didn't press anything.

"Is someone hitting you?"

She didn't press anything.

I wanted to simply ask her how was she being hurt, but it would be pointless. We
went around in more circles and I ended up getting the number from Carter to
the girls home Camile was placed in, and calling the director. I told her about
what happened, which was apparently against the rules of the home. They had
scheduled times they could call people, but Camile somehow had been calling me
on a cell phone. When I told her what all Camile had communicated with me, she
said she would look into it and give me a call back.

When I hung up with no answers, I was heart broken. I felt like Camile was
counting on me for something and I had let her down. She was attempting to tell
me something, but I just couldn't put the pieces together. And because of this,
whoever was hurting her could still possibly continue to do so. I started crying
right in front of Carter as I remembered the battered girl that had been through
so much already and how I was helpless.

"Bee, it's nothing you could have done differently. You can't save the world. I
know it's f*cked up, but that's just how things are sometimes" he said to me.

"I'm not trying to save the world though. I just wanted to help her. The director
there didn't even seem to care about what I was saying. She seemed more
concerned with how Camile had a cell phone".

"Do you want to call the police?" he asked, "I'll support whatever you decide to
do".

"I don't know, Shawn. I just want to help her. And I don't want to do anything else
to make things worse".

"You didn't make anything worse, Bee" he said.

"I didn't help matters though. I just wish it was something more I could do. That
program is really bad if they haven't taught her how to read and write yet" I said
angrily.

"Only so much money people are willing to invest in black girls in that area. It's
sad" he sighed.

The conversation stuck with me the rest of the night. EVen when Carter and I
made love that night I had Camile in the back of my head. And then I kept
thinking about what he said about investing money in the girls. The next day I
researched the area and what it would take to start a non-profit organization. I
ended up running the idea by Carter the next time we spoke.

"You want to start a fund raiser for Camile?" he asked over the phone.

"Not just Camile. But girls in general that can't read and write. There isn't any
excuse why she hasn't learned yet. If they need better tutors or more money or
something then I can help spread the awareness and get people to donate. Why
be on NAACP with this type of platform if I'm not helping anyone?"

"You know to get that type of project off the ground, especially since she is in
another state, it's going to take a lot of action on your part. Money and time. It's
hard to get people interested in people they can't see and then give up their
money" he warned.

"I know. But what's the alternative? Do nothing? Chris builds websites, I can see if
he can help me with it" I said, running through my mental Rolodex.

"Sounds like a good plan. But how you gonna front the cost for that?" he asked.

"I don't know yet. Car wash or something. I'll run the idea by Jarvis and see what
he says. Michelle could possibly write an article about it for Newspaper to help
spread awareness".

"Sounds like a very reasonable plan, Beyonce. Very reasonable".

"You think so?"

"For someone as persistent and determined as you. Yes. I believe in anything you
decide to put your mind to. Which is why I'm gonna front your project".

"Project?" I asked.

"Ok, sorry. Your Foundation" he corrected.

I laughed, "I didn't mean it like that".

"Seriously though. You got my support on this. I can see it does mean a lot to
you" he said.

"Thank you. I really do appreciate it".

"I'm sure she will too" he said.

"You want me to come over later?" I asked.

"Nah. I got some work to take care of and I don't wanna bore you. I'll just see you
tomorrow at the NAACP meeting" he answered.

"Ok bae. Thanks, for the talk. I love you".

"Love you. Godspeed".

I laughed, "Godspeed to you too".

The next day, I ran my idea by Jarvis and he ran it by our committee, and with a
majority vote, we agreed that it was worth exploring, and could possibly give
FAMU good publicity. Most of us were about to go home for break so we decided
Jarvis and I would do the research and for the first meeting of the new semester
we would bring it up at the meeting that was open to everyone. I could tell even
Nicki thought it was an interesting idea. I never initially did it to get brownie
points, it was all because of the hurt I felt in my chest. But I had to admit, it did
feel good to have so many people in support of my idea. It felt damn good.

**

Tip surprised the hell out of me by taking me fishing for our date. I didn't know a
thing about fishing, but the way Carter went on about it I thought he'd be the first
person to teach me, but I was wrong. Tip said he use to go fishing all the time
when he was younger, learning how to bait the hook at camp and spending many
summers down by the river just relaxing. We did the whole 9. Went and bought
live bait, fishing gear and he bought me a brand new rod. It was funny seeing him
in a fishing cap instead of a fitted, but it was cute.

Our date ended up being just as cute as we sat there talking and catching
nothing. We took a few pictures for facebook and ate some lunch. Even though it
was December, it felt pretty good outside, in the 70s, although it was suppose to
drop to the 50's when night fell. That was Florida for you. Hot one weekend, cold
the next.
"When the last time you talk to Nicki?" I asked.

He laughed, "Wassup with you and that girl?"

"Wassup with YOU and that girl" I countered.

"Nothing".

"Uhmm".

"Why do you so want me to be messing with her?" he asked.

"She has an attitude with me all the time, so I figure it has to do with you".

"She hates on you cuz she is insecure. That's it" he said.

"There ain't even nothing to hate on. She is cute and smart and all that. Why she
gotta hate on me?"

"Cuz she gotta front to be popular. Your popularity came naturally".

"Is that what it's about? Being popular? Nah, I think it has to do with us. I think
she jealous cuz of the night me and you kissed".

"That too. But I'm telling you. It's deeper than that with her. I know Nicki. The real
Nicki. She is just an insecure girl. Always has been".

"Did you love her?" I asked.

"I did".

"You still love her?" I asked.

Before he answered, I felt a tug at my line. I couldn't believe it, I had a bite. He
coached me through but I was too excited to really pay attention to what he was
saying. He was laughing at me because I started panicking as I tried to reel it in.
He laughed even harder when the fish got away with my bait.

"Don't worry Shawty" he laughed as I pouted, "There are plenty of other fish in
the sea".

I elbowed him and became determined to catch at least one before we left. And
for the next few hours we teased each other as we caught nothing. It just wasn't
our day; at least for catching fish. But it was a day for us to enjoy each others
company. What I disliked about Tip in the car was what I liked about him at this
moment. He didn't try to pressure me for a kiss or to treat our date as anything
more than kicking it. I was nervous that he might try to come on to me and even
more nervous because I knew he had the ability to make me horny, but he never
made a move.

When the date was over, and we only had caught a few small fish, which we
tossed back, the sun started setting. I was reminded of the beauty of the sunset I
had seen with Carter. Calm. Bliss. Beautiful. The calm that came right before a
storm. I was on good terms with all of my friends, Carter and I were in love and
f*cking like rabbits, and school was going about as well as it could possibly go.
Yet still, off in the distance I could see storm clouds forming.

The Red sun sinks at last into the hills of gold

Re: Your Eyes, My Nudity Thread 2 (Chapter 19 and 20 Posted)

« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2011, 02:58:27 PM » Quote

Chapter 20

I could have started by saying it was a dark and stormy night. But the story didn't start during
the dark and stormy night. The signs were there beforehand. The change in the weather was
there even when the skies were calm and the breeze was welcomed. When it rained it poured,
and it only took a few weeks for my calm skies to turn into a downpour. It reminded me of
Hurricane Katrina, which had destroyed the homes of so many of my family members that
lived in Louisiana. Everything they knew was wiped away. While some people simply lost
mansions, others lost families. Others lost memories.

I was going to lose more than what my heart could take. And the beginning of the end came
when I got that phone call as I drove to Carters place from school in the cold, hard, rain.

"Hello" I said while putting the phone on speaker and trying to focus on the road.

"Bee. Change of plans. I can't have you come tonight" he said sternly.

"Why?"

"It's a long story. I'll tell you when I get a chance".

"Why can't you tell me now?" I asked, frustrated by being nearly by his house and having to
turn around.

"I can't now" he said in a sort of whisper.

"Why?"

I heard a womans voice in the background but I couldn't make out when he said, "I'll call you
later. Godspeed" he said before hanging up.

I was furious after hearing another woman's voice. Someone was in his home, another female,
and he had hung up as soon as she made her presence known. The bigger part of me tired to
rationalize that maybe I was overreacting and it was the TV or something, but that still didn't
explain why he had canceled our date or why he was so quick to get off the phone. Was he
creeping with someone else? That was the only thing that made sense to me.

I probably should have turned around. Carter had never given me a reason not to trust him or
give him the benefit of the doubt, which is partially why I was so taken back by the abrupt
change of plans. I was only a few minutes from his place, and my mind just wouldn't drop the
issue. Something was going on, something that was scaring the hell out of me. I had to know
what it was.

I made the turn to get on his street and picked up speed, anxious to hurry up and put an end to
the suspense. I was driving reckless, much too fast for a downpour, but I wasn't thinking
about my safety or anyone elses. I was thinking about that voice I heard and who it belonged
to. I was to vomit, thinking maybe it was another student in his home. But the voice didn't
sound like it was from someone young. I had to know for sure.

I hit the gas as the drops of rain pounded my windshield. When I pulled up to the house, I
noticed his car wasn't parked in the driveway. It must have been in the garage. That also
meant there was only one car at his home because there wasn't room for two cars in there. For
a split second, I thought maybe I was going crazy. Maybe I should reassess and make sure I
had heard what I thought I heard. But the more I tried to figure it was something I was
misinterpreting, I couldn't forget that he whispered and then hurried me off the phone when I
heard another woman's voice.

I sat in the car for a few minutes, just letting my mind run wild. When my imagination had
gassed me up enough to believe this man was f*cking around with some other chick, I got out
of the car in the pouring rain and made my way to his front door. The jacket I had on didn't
have a draw string for the hoody, so the cold rain was flying in my face and I had to hold the
hoody in place with my hand as I ran. When I was halfway there, I slipped in a puddle and
twisted my ankle before taking a tumble. I tried to break my fall with my hand, but my wrist
took on the full force of my body weight hitting the ground and I felt the crack.

The pain shot through my body quick, triggering that throbbing sensation that accompanied
an injury. My ankle was twisted, possibly sprained, and my wrist felt like it was fractured,
and I was laying in the middle of his driveway with thunder and lightening filling the sky. I
felt like my world was crashing down, the hurt I was feeling in my body didn't compare to the
hurt I was feeling in my heart.

Carter and I had went a week without spending much time together. I chalked it up to the
holidays coming. This was going to be our last date before I went home for Christmas break.
Had he really decided to cheat on me right before Christmas?

No one was there to help pick up my defeated shell of a body, I was on my own. I crawled
towards the door with one arm and managed to get myself up, although my ankle was still
throbbing. I was hurt, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't cry until I knew what was going on
behind that door. I screamed out when I grabbed my wrist. I wanted to scream out in anger as
loud as the thunder that roared, but I limped my way towards the door, holding my injured
hand. I had to know. I had to see for myself who was there.

I got to the door and twisted the knob, but it was locked. I rang the doorbell twice with my
good hand and tried to balance myself so I wasn't putting much pressure on my bad ankle. I
knew I looked a mess. I knew I looked crazy. But I didn't care about how I looked at the
moment. I didn't care about my injuries. My only care in the world was behind door number
1.

The door swung open and I came face to face with a 5 foot tall light skinned girl in a pony
tail. She did a double take when she saw me, looking me up and down before frowning her
face and letting her jaw drop. I stood frozen, unable to speak and unable to move. I had seen
that face before. I had seen this girl before.

"May I help you?" she asked uneasily.

"Who is it?" I heard Carter yell from another room.

"Some girl" she yelled back.

I couldn't speak. I just stared at the young girl, who eyed me with a suspicion beyond belief.
Carter entered the picture and froze in horror when he saw me, injured, crying, at his door.

"What happened to you?" he asked, looking hard at the way I was standing.

"I fell" I said, humiliated by it all.

"Come in" he said, as his daughter moved out of the way and he helped me inside.

He helped me into the living room, where a woman was sitting and watching wide eyed.

"Who is this?" she asked to Carter, but staring at me.

"One of my students. She is the one I told you about that is starting the foundation. She fell in
the driveway" he said, looking in my eyes.

"Poor girl" the woman said.

""Is her arm broke?" his daughter Shaun asked.

Carter gently touched my wrist which sent me into more tears and screams. It really did hurt.
But not as much as my pride did. I just wanted to die.

"I don't think it's broken. She can still move it. But we gotta take her to a hospital" he said.

"Well, I don't want to go out in the rain. And I don't want Shaun out in this weather either"
the woman said.

"Ok. Well let me get my jacket so I can take her up there" Carter said.

"Whats your name" Shaun asked.

"...Beyonce" I said softly, not even able to look the pre-teen in the eyes.

"Beyonce, what made you come out in this weather?" the woman asked.

I thought of a quick lie, "....I needed Mr. Carter to see my research...I had it saved on my flash
drive" I said, using my free hand to pull out the flash drive I did have in my pocket, although
it didn't contain any research.

She nodded her head, "Well I'm sorry this happened to you. Shawn has told me about you.
Says you are one of his favorite students. I personally thought your idea to help the girl
Camile was very admirable" she said.

"....Thank you" I said weakly, trying not to focus on the throb of my ankle and wrist.

"And where are my manners?" she said to herself, "My name is Rosario. And this is my
daughter Shaun. If you haven't guessed yet, Mr. Carter is her father" she smiled at me.

"...Yes. I've seen pictures of her".

"You have?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am. For a documentary I made".

"Oh yes. I remember him asking me about some pictures".

When she answered, Carter had come out of the bedroom with his jacket and an umbrella.

"I'll be back yall" he said.

He helped me to his car in the garage and we left for the hospital, in complete silence. I felt so
embarrassed. My injuries only added to it.

"Bee, I told you I would call you" he said, noticeably upset at this whole situation.

"I'm sorry" I said just above a whisper.

"Damn, Beyonce. This is the kinda shit I feared. You just getting so bold that you come to my
house when I say not to. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking, ok" I barked.

"Obviously not. Obviously f*cking not".

"I'm sorry Shawn, but let's not act like you didn't give me reason to wonder what was going
on".

"Bee. I told you I would call you later and explain".

"Yea but you had been acting funny all week. Why are you just now telling me that your
daughter and her mom was here?"

"I had to figure out some sh*t first, Bee. I didn't want to tell you and then not have any
answers for the millions of questions you were going to ask".

"Millions of questions?"

"Yes, millions of questions. I know you. You would have wanted to know the who, what,
when, where, and how".

"Is that wrong?"

"No, it ain't. But I wanted to wait until I had all of the answers before you started asking".

"The answers to what?"

"Everything".

"SHawn, you are acting like I wouldn't understand if you would have told me your daughter
was coming down. We had talked about it before. Why do you think I'd think it was a big
deal?"

"Because it's more to it than that" he said, pulling into the hospital parking lot.

"More than what?"

"Let me go and get you a wheelchair" he said before getting out of the car, totally ignoring
my question.

I hated that he had dodged my question, but what could I do about it? He went inside, and
returned with a wheelchair, keeping it covered with his umbrella and keeping his head dry
with his jacket. He helped me on and gave me the umbrella to hold while he pushed me into
the hospital. I had hurt my left wrist which meant I could still write, so I filled out my
paperwork as he sat next to me. We didn't say anything to each other until they had called my
name to be seen, some 45 minutes later.

"Do you want me to go back there with you?" he asked.

I was angry. I didn't say anything to him, just gave him a look that it was the dumbest
question ever. He followed me inside of ER as the nurse took us to a bed behind a curtain.

She asked me the preliminary questions, how I fell and everything, but the question that was
most memorable was "who is this" when she looked at Carter. I found the question kind of
funny, on multiple levels. Who was this man? My man? My f*ck buddy? My teacher? My
lover? My significant other? I didn't even know.

"My uncle" I said sarcastically, just to stir the pot. He looked at me briefly.

"Ok, well the doctor will be in shortly and he will get some X-rays to see what's all going in,
ok Miss Knowles?" she said.

I nodded and Carter thanked her as she left. I could tell we were both angry at each other. Or
at the least annoyed. But neither of us wanted to break the silence. It took a phone call from
Rosario for anything to be said.

"Yeah, we're waiting for the doctor. They are gonna take a few X-Rays and I'll be back,
hopefully within the hour" he said.

I rolled my eyes.

"Aight. Bye" he said before hanging up.

"You can just leave me here if you want. I'll catch a cab to get my car" I said.

"Beyonce, just shut up. You are really working my last nerves right now" he said.

"Then leave. No one is forcing you to be here" I barked.

"Why are you being like this, Bee? This is why I said in the first place I didn't think you could
handle this".

"You are keeping things from me. All you had to to was tell me. But you didn't. I had to go
searching for the truth" I spat.

"Beyonce, I kept it from you just until I was able to determine what I was going to do".

"Do about what?" I asked, right before the doctor came in on us raising our voices.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Should I come back?" he asked.

"NO" we both yelled at him.

He uneasily looked at me and then Carter, right before Carter apologized, "Sorry, sir.
Tensions running high".

"I understand. Right before the holidays and she gets hurt. My wife got hurt right before our
honeymoon and we were at each others heads" he smiled.

"This isn't my wife" Carter spoke, "It's my niece".

The doctor nodded his head.

"Anyway, Beyonce, I want to look at your wrist and ankle. But I see they didn't tell you to get
into your gown. So I'm going to leave for a few minutes and have you slip into your gown.
I'm sure your uncle can give you some privacy too" he said, looking over at Carter.

The Dr. led Carter out and I struggled to get out of my clothes since it hurt to move both my
wrist and ankle, which both were kind of important when taking off clothes. That made me
think. What if I had to wear a cast? How would I be able to life model like that? Who wants
to draw a naked girl with a cast covering her arms and legs?

Carter peaked in and asked if I needed help, although I didn't answer him. He came in
anyway and helped get my gown on. A few minutes later, the doctor came back. He checked
my wrist and ankle and immediately said they weren't broken from what he could tell, but he
ordered the X-Rays anyway just to be sure.

"Before I order the X-Ray, Beyonce. Are you pregnant, possibly pregnant or trying to
become pregnant?"

"No" I answered quickly, sure because Carter and I had used protection every time we'd had
sex.

About 10 minutes later a goofy nurse guy came along and wheel pushed me bed to the X-Ray
room where he snapped shots of my bones.

It took over an hour for the X-Rays to come back but when they did, it showed no fractures in
either my wrist or ankle. He said I had a slight sprain in my ankle and and wrist, grade I level
for both. He said in a few weeks, I'd be better and that I could take pain meds to help stop the
pain. We had been at the hospital for over 2 hours, and went home with an ice pack. I could
have gotten that at home. Carter laughed when the doctor told him my injuries weren't
serious, or at least anything that would last long, but shit, it did hurt.

The fact that we had spent that much time at the hospital for minor injuries kind of made both
of us lighten up and giggle. He wheeled me to the car and I limped my ass in his car before he
returned the wheelchair. When he came back to the car, he was on the phone.

"I'm on my way home now. No, nothing serious, just minor sprains. She'll be ok" he said to
Rosario.

They chatted for a few more moments before he hung up. It was inevitable we were going to
finish this conversation.

"Carter. Please. I don't want to fight. Just tell me, what is going on with you and Rosario, and
us" I said, focusing in on him.

He looked intense, like he was dreading this conversation. But I needed honesty from him. I
needed to know what was going on.

"Bee. I love you, you do believe me when I tell you that, right?" he asked.

"I love you too. And yes, I believe you" I said, wondering why he felt the need to say this to
me before we had this convo.

"Bee. Rosario is sick. She's been sick for a while now. She just recently told me. She just
recently told Shaun. She's been keeping it as a secret for years"he said.
My heart dropped.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She has a terminal disease. A heart disease. A rare, heart disease" he said.

"...is, she gonna be ok?"

He looked at me and the back to the road. His lack of a response spoke volumes.

"Shawn. I am so sorry to hear that. I'm sorry" I said.

"I got her seeing some of the better doctors I know, but it's still looking like it's a little too
late".

"Is that why she is down here?" I asked.

He nodded, "Yeah. She and Shaun are going to move in with me".

My heart sank to my stomach. Move in? That was far from what I expected him to say, but I
couldn't get angry. I mean, she was dying. How could I be angry? But I was. I was angry.

"For how long?" I asked, even toned.

"Permanently, Bee. She put her home on the market, resigned from her job, and getting
everything done so they can move down here".

"But you only have two rooms" I said, thinking out loud.

"I'm going to give her my room and turn my office back into a bedroom for me" he said.

I didn't even know what to say. Just two weeks ago, my clothes were in his closet and we
were making dinner in his kitchen and now, his room would belong to his ex. It was too much
to take so suddenly.

"You not gonna say anything?" after we had rode for a few minutes.

"It's just all coming on so fast" I said staring out the window, the rain now just a drizzle.

"Yeah. Happened fast for me too. I just found out about her sickness and I told her I'd help
her find a better doctor. I also told her to come down here so I could take care of her and
Shaun".

"I think it's good that you did that. I'm sure she appreciates it" I said, trying to look at the
bright side of this. He was doing something admirable, and as an ethics teacher, why should I
have expected anything different?

"When did they come?" I asked.

"Few days ago. It's why I couldn't talk to you much. I was getting everything situated. I was
gonna tell you when I was sure about everything".
The way he was talking seemed....strange. Like he was holding something back. Immediately,
I got this strange empty feeling in my stomach.

"What does this mean....for us?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Bee".

I fought hard to keep a straight face. I wanted to cry because I knew what was coming. All
that was left was the words that I was sure I was about to be hit with, like a baseball bat to my
face.

"Beyonce. We gotta stop seeing each other" he said.

I laughed and just looked out of the window, having to laugh to keep from crying.

"Bee, listen to me" he said, which only caused me to stare even harder out of the window, the
tears now ready to drop at any moment.

"I can't run the risk anymore. I have my daughter with me and my childs mother and I need to
make them my priority right now".

"Why can't you make them a priority and still see me? Why does it have to be one or the
other?" I barked, red eyes and everything.

"Because it's the right thing to do. It's just too messy Beyonce. This entire thing, is just
too...messy".

"Was it too messy when you were getting your dick sucked every morning? Huh? Too messy
then?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand" he sighed.

"And I knew you would do this to me. Build me up and then just drop me. I knew it was all
too good to be true".

"You are so selfish, Beyonce. You remind me every time we fight that you are 18. You just
refuse to see the bigger picture" he yelled, raising his voice significantly.

"I'm selfish because I don't want to give up the man I love? The man I gave myself to? My
virginity? My heart? My spirit, body and all of that shit? Oh yeah, I am so selfish, let me tell
you" I yelled back at him.

"Beyonce you said something to me that stuck with me. It was one of the wisest things you
ever told me. When I asked you if I was a bad father, you told me my story wasn't complete.
You told me I could still be the father I wanted to be" he said.

"And you can be, Shawn. But why do you have to break things off with me to be that father?"

"Because I missed out on every single part of Shauns life, Beyonce. I missed it. And now she
is here with me. I don't want to be a father that is late coming home because I am at a hotel
with one of my students having sex. Or sneaking and creeping and lying to her so I can be
with someone other than her sick mother. I don't want that to be her images of me. She
already knows I abandoned her. And in these few days, me and her have surprisingly had
some good talks. She is willing to give me that second chance that most dead beats never get.
I don't want to ruin my chance".

"But what do you want me to do, Shawn? Just walk away like I don't love you?"

"Bee, this is hard for me too. I love you too. I don't want to walk away from what we have.
But I have to make the choice that is the right one. Continuing this with my daughter and her
sick mother in my care is not something I can live with".

"And I can't live with knowing I love you but not being able to have you" I cried.

"Bee, you are strong. So much stronger than I could have ever imagined when I first met you.
I know it hurts. And I knew it would be hard for you because we spent every f*cking moment
together the past few months. But you'll move past it. You will love again. I told you I don't
like promises, but I PROMISE you that you will find someone else to love".

I laughed at this, a laugh mixed with tears, "This. Is. BULLSHAT. Like telling me I will meet
somebody else is suppose to make me feel better. Like I want anyone else, Mr Carter. Let me
ask you this question. Are you gonna f*ck her?"

He eyed me hard, "What?"

"Are you and your ex now gonna be intimate? Sex? Making Love? F*cking? I don't know
what to call it. I just can't see this woman being in your house and yall not reconnecting on
some romantic shit".

"Tell me that is not what you think this is about" he said angrily.

"It's a simple question"

"It's a question a child would ask. A child that can't see that the world is bigger than her. A
child I thought would love me enough to understand my decision. But I guess not".

"Whatever. You keep calling me a child, yet you are the one that decided to be with me.
Blame yourself, not me. I'm only being myself, right?"

"I do blame myself. Huge mistake".

"So now I'm a mistake?" I laughed.

"Do you need me to call you a taxi, or do you think you can drive home?" he asked, ignoring
my question as we pulled up to his house.

"Do you regret us, Shawn?"

"Do you need a taxi, or can you handle it?" he repeated.

I was crying again, but he was ignoring me.

"Shawn, do you regret me?"

"Taxi? Or no?"
He wasn't going to answer my question. This was it. The end of us. He got out of the car and
walked around, the rain now completely stopped. He helped me out, avoiding all eye contact
and walked me to my car. My limp had gotten better, especially with the news that it wasn't
serious, so I guess I felt more comfortable putting pressure on it. But I was hurting even more
than I had been when I first fell. The pain of a broken heart was much worse than the pain of
a broken body. The emptiness. The void. The deafening silence. The unspoken words I
wanted to say. It all hurt.

"Do you regret me?" I asked again, my eyes red, tears dried on my face.

"Call me when you get home to let me know you are safe" he said simply. We locked eyes for
a few seconds and it took every ounce of energy I had not to jump in his arms and attempt to
kiss him. Make things like how they were. But after he took a deep breath, he patted me on
the shoulder, turned around and made his way back up his driveway.

I watched as he went inside. To his daughter. To the woman that had carried his seed. To his
family.
**

"You ready for the news?" Kelly asked me, all extra giddy.

"Shoot" I said, nowhere close to matching her enthusiasm.

"Quenton proposed. I said yes" she said.

"You said yes?" I asked, taken back by what she was saying.

"YES!" she shrieked into the phone.

"When did this happen?"

"Like, an hour ago. He proposed, I said yes. I gave him some, and you are the first person I
have called to tell" she laughed.

Carter had broken things off with me the day before, I just wasn't in the mood to be hearing
news like this, but I still tried to be excited for my girl.

"Well congrats" I said.

"Congrats? Did you hear what I just said Beyonce? I am getting MARRIED".

I smirked, "Yeah, I heard you. Hasn't really sank in yet. Tell it to me a few more times".

"I'm engaged. I'm engaged. I'm engaged. I am f*cking engaged" she screamed proudly.

I laughed to myself, still laying in bed with all of the lights off.

"He got you a ring?" I asked.

"No, not yet. But he is suppose to be getting it with his Christmas bonus" she said.

"Well that is kinda backwards. Why didn't he just wait till he had the ring? He could have
proposed on Christmas morning or something. Seems like it would have been better" I
insisted.

"Bee, who cares how he did it, girl? The fact is he did it".

"Yeah well i'm just sayin'. But anyway, i'm happy for you".

"You don't sound happy".

"Well I'm just not feeling too good. I was out in the rain last night and fell. Just kind of tired
and drugged up on them pain meds".

"Oh, well I'm sorry. I didn't know. You want me to come over?" she asked.

"Nah. Celebrate with your man".

"Girl, me and him will have plenty of time for celebrating. But if you need my company I'll
be over there".
"Nah, Kelly. I'm good. I just wanna sleep. Got too much on my mind".

"Like what, Bee? I don't like how we haven't been keeping tabs on each other. What's going
on?"

"Nothing I feel like talking about, Kel. Plus I don't wanna bring down your high with my
crap".

"Ok, Bee. If you don't wanna talk about it right now I understand. But I'm always here when
you are ready".

"Unless Quenton is there" I joked, but still meaning it.

"What?"

"I'm joking girl".

"How was that a joke?"

"Cuz sometimes you and him are busy. Like when I wanted to go to spring break with you" I
said, trying to make a point.

"Bee, I told you I had to work".

I laughed, "Aight, Kel. Whatever. I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"

"When you do, I hope you elaborate on what your joke was suppose to mean".

"Kelly. It doesn't need an explanation. You live with him, yall are sometimes busy. I gotta
catch you when yall ain't busy. It's that simple".

"Bee, you know I am NEVER too busy for you if you have an issue. You know that. I don't
even know why you are selling out right now. You are the one that has been so secretive and
busy, out late at night with some mysterious man that no one knows ".

"What the hell are you talking about? See, you're taking it somewhere that it don't even need
to go, Kelly. Watch it" I said, my eyes closed, and trying to block the headache that was
coming.

"Beyonce I am not taking it anywhere. I just don't see how you are even joking that I am too
busy for you when everytime I ask what's going on in your life, you dodge the question".

"Kelly, on more than one occasion I have tried to hang out with you, but you and Quenton
were doing something, or you were playing momma with his son or something. Don't even
act".

"Playing momma? Well Bee, call it whatever you want to call it, but you can't call it being
secretive and selling out. I don't desert my friends to have secret relationships with teachers
and lesbians".

"Yeah, but you will sure shack up with a broke man that can't even afford an engagement
ring".
She laughed out loud, one of those laughs that signaled the gloves were off.

"Yeah I bet you would care about if he was broke, considering you are f*cking your teacher
because he buys you clothes. I may be happy dating a broke man, but at least I ain't hoing for
purses".

"Hoing? After all the gold diggin your ass did in high school? After all them dudes that ran
through you? You got the nerve to call me a ho?"

"Bee. I'm not calling you a ho. But messing with men because they got money is hoing. I
mean, I don't know what to think anymore. You have straight changed since you got to
college. F*cking drug dealers and teachers twice yo age and prolly messing with that Rihanna
girl. I just can't believe you are up here judging me"

"How did I judge you, Kelly? You are the one assuming shit about me that isn't even true".

"How did you judge me? Beyonce, stop the bullshit. You have been acting like you are better
than me for how long now? And when I tried to be your friend through all of it, all you did
was keep pushing me away so you can hang out with those other women. Just abandoning our
friendship".

"You abandoned our friendship long before I did, Kelly. Be real. The entire first few months
of you dating that nigga you had no time for me. So yeah, I moved on. Whatever"

"Moved on to expensive purses and jewelery, huh" she mocked.

"Glad to finally hear how you feel about me, Kelly. Have fun at your wedding. Oh wait, I
mean court house marriage" I barked before hanging up on her ass.

Kelly was my best friend since I could remember. But I was hurting and she had called me at
the absolute worst moment. I cried myself to sleep, saying things to her that I just could not
see us coming back from. I made my bed, now sleep.

**

I tried my best to forget about the two days from hell, but there were constant reminders of
them all around. My entire closet was filled with things Carter had bought me and even the
ipod I had was something Kelly had bought. Michelle could tell something was wrong, but I
avoided telling her anything detailed. Rihanna was out of town with some dude who had
offered to take her to Vegas, so that pretty much left me by myself as I counted down the
days before I'd go home.

I had talked with my mom who told me she had started a catering service which was doing
well. But she neglected to tell me they only opened it to try to bring in extra income because
my dad had lost his job. The economy was really starting to rot, with some people predicting
a recession was on the way.

I was just so angry at everything, that I didn't want to be around anyone. I got one of my
friends I had met at the academy to fill in for me for the life modeling classes and spent most
of my days in my room, crying or eating or sleeping. Many times, crying while eating and
then going to sleep while crying. Carter and I were not on speaking terms at all; ditto Kelly
and I. I didn't feel I had anyone to talk to about my issues and even if I did, I couldn't tell
them the whole truth because I had promised Carter I'd keep our relationship a secret. I had
already messed up by telling Kelly about my crush on him and she had taken it to the next
level even though I never told her I was actually seeing him.

After a few days, my sadness turned pure anger, which combined with a lack of dick, made
me sexually frustrated. I would masturbate thinking about the many times Carter and I had
done the nasty at school. Each time I orgasmed from those thoughts, my eyes grew watery. It
felt so good to cum from the thoughts of us, but it was like a drug addict taking a hit of drugs.
Yes, the orgasm was like a hit of drugs. Like heroine.

Like a long heat wave through my body. Any ache or pain or sadness or guilty feeling was
completely flushed out. Well I had never actually done drugs, but that is what Leo said in
Basketball Diaries so I figured the feelings were similar. And like with drugs, when the
effects of the hit wore off, I fell even worst, lower and sadder and more guilty than before,
completely surrounded by the piecing reality of my thoughts. Thoughts of Carter and how he
was right. I still longed for his lips and his touch and his security. But all I had was my hand,
which still hurt, and my pussy.

Maybe I should have stayed in my bedroom and masturbated every few hours like I had been
doing, but when Tip called me and suggested we hang out before he left for Atlanta, I saw it
as another hit. An escape from this sad world in these four walls. I took him up on the offer
and met him for lunch at Red Lobster, maybe one of the few places on earth I knew I'd never
catch Carter in.

I was starving when I got there, even though I had eaten three hotdogs just an hour earlier. I
ordered shrimp scampi and clam chowder and ate about seven cheese biscuits. He couldn't
believe how much I was eating. We talked about school and how he was going to stop
slanging soon because he was close to graduating, but I made sure to avoid all discussions
about my life. I just wanted to hear him talk and talk and talk. I could forget about my own
life, and just focus on the fantasy of his.

After I had eaten a few shrimp off his plate, I felt my stomach rumble. He laughed when he
heard it.

"See there, now your ass got the bubble guts. You bout to blow them people bathroom UP" he
teased.

I tried to laugh, but I really wasn't feeling good. I didn't have to sh*t, I just felt like I was
about to.....

I stood up, knocking my fork on the floor, and covered my mouth as I quickly paced to the
bathroom. I nearly ran into a waitress as I moved through the maze of tables and customers,
but finally made it to a bathroom where I ran to an open stall and threw up everything I had
eaten.

When my body was done purging itself, I dried my eyes and rinsed my mouth out in the sink,
which was totally disgusting to the women that had walked in and right back out. I didn't
care. There wasn't much that I cared about at this point.

I walked back in where Tip was waiting for me with a doggybag. Where had I seen this scene
before?

We left, our date finished, and he drove his Chevy on the road that led to my apartment. I felt
a little defiance in me. A little madness too, maybe.

"I'm not ready to go home" I said.

He grinned, "You sure? I ain't tryna have you throwing up in my ride. What you tryna get into
now".

"Lets go back to your apartment" I said.

"To my place? You sho bout that?"

"Yeah. I don't wanna go home. I need to be entertained. Be around people. Keep my mind
occupied" I said.

He smiled at this, licked his lips, and made a U Turn at the next intersection. When we got to
his apartment, he seemed kind of nervous which is something I would have never expected
from Mr. Confident. He was picking up and apologizing for the mess and quick to see if I
wanted anything. Again, cute, but really making me reevaulte my thought of him. Behind the
tough exterior lay a sweetheart through and through.

We ended up in the Den area where he cut on the TV and we watched Oprah.

"You watch Oprah?" I laughed.

"Nah but I figured your ass did".

"I do sometimes. But Sometimes it's just too deep for me. I don't wanna constantly hear about
sad stuff" I responded.

"Seems like you are going through some sad stuff in your life right now. Wassup?" he asked
me, fully locked onto my eyes.

"Tip. It's...nothing I feel comfortable talking about".

"You don't trust me?" he asked.

"It's not that. I just want to keep that part of my private. I'm sure its some stuff about you that
is just for you, right?"

He nodded his head while his smile grew like a steady erection. Or maybe my mind was just
in the gutter. I was just angry and tired. Angry at everyone. Tired at everything. And the only
thing I truly wanted to do was have sex. I wanted an orgasm. I wanted to have my legs high
over my head while a strong and confident man pounded my pussy like my heart pounding
against my chest. I wanted to have a penis in my mouth, strong and hard. I wanted to swallow
that dense shot of cum that exploded from hardcore lust. I didn't want love or gentleness or
hand holding. I wanted animalistic passion. I wanted some d*ck.

Without even a notice, I moved into Tip and kissed him hard, wanting to feel the same urge to
f*ck him that I had felt in his car months ago. He was caught off guard by this, I was sure, but
when he caught on to my desire, his hands started exploring and my tongue did the same. I
briefly thought of Carter and I got angry. I bit Tips lip which caused him to jump back in
pain. I didn't care. I wanted to mix the pain and the pleasure. I needed this f*ck more than I
needed to breathe.
"Woah, Shawty, wait" he said when he broke free of my seduction.

"What? I want to f*ck" I shot at him angrily.

"I can see that" he laughed, "But I ain't got no protection".

"Well, can't you get some from one of your friends or something?"

"Everyone already went home for the holidays. Ima have to go to walmart" he said.

I sighed. Man, I was wanting it now and he was killing the mood. I knew the way I was
acting could forever change my reputation, from the sweet and shy innocent girl to a certified
slut, but at this point I didn't care. Hell, I was even considering dropping out of FAMU and
moving back home anyway. All I wanted, in the whole world, was a mind blowing, body
numbing orgasm that could, even temporarily relieve me me of my sanity. It was unhealthy. I
would later regret it, I was sure, but regrets were a necessary evil in life as far as I was
concerned.

"How about this. My room is trashed right now. Take my car to Wal Mart, get some
condoms, and when you come back I'll have the bed cleaned off and we can do what we do"
he suggested.

I rolled my eyes, "Ok Tip. But be ready when I get back, ok? I really, really, really need this
right now".

He smiled.

"Oh and shower. Make sure your dick is clean cuz it's going in my mouth" I grinned.

I was acting out. I knew it. He knew it. But I felt it was the only way. I nearly morphed to his
car and then to Wal Mart, which was only five minutes away, so I could hurry and get the
condoms and leave. When I got there, I realized I didn't even know what to get. Carter had
always provided the condoms, I never even worried about it. I had never even bought
condoms before. And when I got to the aisle, I was shocked that there were so many different
kinds. The different choices intimidated me.
I stood there for ten minutes just looking at the boxes, afraid to touch them because people
kept walking past me. Why had I agreed to purchase this? This was the guys job. And why
didn't he have any protection anyway? I figured his room was trashed because he had been
f*cking other girls, but I didn't even trip. The way Nicki and other girls were whipped over
him, it meant he had to have some good d*ck, and that was all I really needed right now. I
was using him just like I was sure he was using me. I decided to get the Magnums, the kind I
would see in Carter's drawers.

It seemed as if the entire store was watching me as I made my way to the line. Yeah, a girl
carrying a box of condoms made for big d*cks. Yes it means what it looks like it means, I
thought as I saw random glances. And just my luck, when I got in the line, there was a lady
with about two cars full of things. She turned around when I walked behind her and smiled
when she saw me cradling the gold box, a dead give away for what I had come to Wal Mart
for.
"Is that all you are buying" she smiled at me.

I nodded.

She nodded and then motioned for me to cut her. The people behind me then watched as the
girl with condoms walked to the front of the line.

"I'd let her cut too" I heard a guy whisper.

"Yeah, she lookin anxious" someone else joked.

"How mature are you guys" the lady with the full carts said, "At least she is protecting
herself".

I didn't pay any of that any attention. I paid for it quick and nearly ran my ass out of that
store. Did these people really just make comments about me buying condoms? I threw the
condoms on the passenger seat and sped back to the campus, parking and throwing the
condoms in my purse so no one else would see me with them. I used his keys to unlock and
open the door and when I walked inside I heard the showers running. I used the time to
venture into his bedroom for the first time.

It was kind of messy still, but cozy enough. The bed sheets were at least clean. It was almost
night time, which is when I most preferred to f*ck because of the mood it set, but I didn't feel
like waiting for the night sky, I was just ready to do it, period. I sat on the bed with my purse
and took the box out of the purse. I looked around his room some more. A lot of bookbags on
the floor, posters of girls and rappers on the wall and jewelry on his dresser.

The shower cut off and not long after he finally emerged from the bathroom, shirt off, towel
around his waist. Finally, nigga. Get your ass in here and lets f*ck, I thought. He still looked
kind of shy, like a little boy almost, as he saw me sitting on his bed and made his way into the
room.

I stood up and met him at the door, kissing him and letting my arms explore the definition in
his abs. Carter didn't have much tone at all, which made this a new experience for me. He was
still warm from the shower and I liked that. I wanted him warm, clean, hard, and ready.
Which is why when I dropped his towel, I was a bit dissapointed. All I saw was a little lump
where his dick should have been, a lump with another lump underneath. How was it possible
that his nuts were longer than his dick was?

I wanted to keep looking but he went back to kissing me and pushing me towards the bed. He
started kissing on my neck and when he did I looked down again, his dick still not having
grew any longer. I knew he was still flaccid, so there was hope that he'd get much bigger, but
I was wondering why it hadn't happened yet. When me and Carter had sex, it was hard just
from the sight of me. Oh well, I guess I had to get him hard.

I touched his still soft penis with my hand and attempted to massage it, but I didn't even know
where to begin. My hand swallowed it whole. I was so focused on his dick, I hadn't even
noticed he had pulled my shirt over my head and was kissing my chest. Grow. GROW,
damnit.

I aimlessly pulled his soft dick back and forth while he undressed me. I stepped out of my
underwear and we both crawled on his bed, his penis still soft. Damn. Was he still not
aroused?
He laid me down and I was on the verge of tears because he still wasn't hard. All I wanted
was some d*ck. Was that too much to ask for? Jesus Christ.

"You ok?" I asked him, obviously frustrated.

"Get me up" he said softly.

He rolled on his back and I stared down at the shrimp of a penis that looked at me. It
reminded me of the shrimp I had eaten earlier. The shrimp I had already vomited.

"Come on girl" he smiled at me.

I rolled my eyes. This better get him hard enough to cut diamonds, I thought as I bent
forward. I took him in my mouth, his entire dick fitting in the shallow part of my mouth, and
sucked a few times, not even having to move my head to run my lips from his tip to his base.
And suddenly, there was life. Like Frankenstein and I was the mad scientist. His dick came
alive in my mouth, shocking the hell out of me, but in a good way. He's alive!

I came up from breath and looked at the transformed dick. It went from a weewee to a dick in
just a few sucks, long enough and wide enough to do the job. Thank God. I went back down
and had no problems putting him back in my mouth. He moaned with his eyes closed as I
went and I wondered if he knew I wasn't doing it so he could finish in my mouth, I just did it
so he could be hard. When that was accomplished I came up and laid back down. It was his
turn.

"Oh, I don't do that" he said when I gave him the eye.

"You don't do what?" I asked.

"Eat pussy" he shrugged.

I wanted to go off. But when I looked at his hard dick, I didn't even stress it. More than
getting ate out, which was an appetizer, I wanted to be f*cked.

"Whatever. Just f*ck me" I said.

He opened the box and pulled out the rolls of condoms, breaking one off and then opening it.
I awaited anxiously, just tasting the orgasm I was sure to experience once he started stroking
it right.

He got on top of me and went to put the condom on, but he seemed to be taking a long time
down there.

"You got it?" I asked, really starting to get annoyed.

"I went soft again" he sighed, as we both looked down at his dying peen.

He jacked himself off inbetween my legs and eventually he got it halfway back up, although
it was still limpy. I opened my legs and just wanted to feel something inside of me, anything.
He poked all around my inner thighs and pussy trying to find the hole, fumbling like he didn't
know a pussy from an asshole. I grabbed his limp dick and helped him get in. I was so
frustrated I didn't even appreciate the initial penetration. He stroked a few times, literally a
few pumps and slipped out.

"Damn you're too wet" he said aloud.

No nigga, you keep going soft, I thought to myself. We tried for the next 15 minutes, three
different positions, me on top, doggystyle and then missionary again, and he couldn't keep his
dick hard for more than a few pumps. I literally wanted to cry from frustration. What a waste.
My feelings were hurt from Tip being this lousy in bed.

He had bent me over again and was rubbing my ass with his hands. I was just waiting,
impatiently waiting for him to fill me up.

"Bee" he whispered.

"What?" I barked.

"Let me put it in your booty" he said, slapping his now hard dick on my asshole.

I turned around quick.

"Uhm. No. I don't do that" I shot, "Just please put it in my pussy".

He climbed on top again and we managed to have sex for a few unfulfillng minutes before I
just gave up.

"Tip, this isn't working" I said.

"I'm sorry. I must be tired or something cuz I just can't stay hard" he said, sounding
embarrassed.

I rolled out of bed and begin putting my clothes back on, angry, frustrated, and disgusted that
I had not gotten any type of satisfaction. This was the type of shit that would make a girl
swear off sex. We got dressed and he took me home, not saying much on the ride back. He
seemed so much weaker to me as we rode. When we were to my apartment, he went for a kiss
but only got a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Sorry about tonight. It will be better next time, trust me" he assured.

I gave a weak smile and nodded, "Have a good Christmas break" I said.

I walked to the apartment feeling like a fool and feeling him watching me. All of this time
courting and flirting, for that? I still liked Tip. He was cute. He had a nice size penis when he
was hard. And he was a pretty cool guy in general. But that was almost unforgivable. Next
time? Next time?

I walked inside even more depressed.

"Hey girl" Michelle said.

I tossed her the doggybag, "Here some cheese biscuits if you want em" I said before walking
in the hallway to the shower. I bathed and then masturbated, rubbing my pussy aggressively.
That was maybe the first time I had an orgasm with an angry scowl on my face.
I ended up falling face first in bed, needing someone to talk to. Someone to vent to mostly.
First person I thought of was Rihanna, but with her being out of town with her dude I decided
not to f*ck with that. Kelly would have been the next choice, but that was out. I settled on
Jarvis.

"Sup bighead" I teased him when he picked up.

"Sup stank puss" he laughed.

"Jarvis. Can you please come over and f*ck me? Hard" I sighed.

"Ugh. You paying? I will prostitute myself out if you paying. Otherwise, I ain't touching yo
stankin ass" he teased.

"Man. I had the worst sexual experience ever. Even worse than the night at the movies".

"That's impossible, Beyonce. Worse how? And with who?"

"Tip" I cried out, hating that it was him of all people that had been so bad.

"Tip? You gave him some?" he asked, seemingly shocked.

"Jarvis I just wanted some good sex. I'm so frustrated right now. I liked him and everything
so yeah, I decided to give him some".

"What happened?" he asked, like he was so concerned.

"He couldn't even stay hard. And then he said he didn't give oral. I had to finish myself off
when I got home" I whined.

"Damn. That's crazy. All the girls talk about him like he is king dingaling" he said.

"I know, right? I don't know what happened. He told me next time would be better"

"So there is gonna be a next time?" he asked.

I laughed, "I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. I'm swearing off sex now".

He laughed along with me, "I'm sorry it was bad for you".

"Well anyway. I got myself off so i'm straight now. But I'm bored. Come get me and let's go
to a movie or something" I said.

"Can't. I got a date tonight" he said.

"A date? Nigga with who?"

He laughed, "Some nigga I been seeing for a minute. I'll introduce you to him. You don't
know him".

"Aww shit. Jarvis you f*cking now?"

"I might be" he teased.

"Ewww, butt secs. Tip tried to do that with me too".

"Wow, he did?"

"Uhhmm. I don't see how yall like that stuff but anyway".

"Shit feel good" he laughed.

"Wait, so you have had sex with a dude? And you ain't told me? Nigga?"

"Bee, everyone knows your ass is always busy now. But how bout this. Tomorrow we'll hang
out together and we'll catch up on everything?"

"Aight. Tell me about your date too" I giggled.

"Even the butt secs?"

"Yep. All-lat shit".

He chuckled "Aight b*tch. Love ya, bye".

Later that night when I went looking for my Student ID I realized I had left my purse over his
apartment. I hopped out of bed and immediately Tip, who didn't answer. Damn, he was
leaving tomorrow, and if I didn't get my purse I would be assed out. I threw on some shit and
drove as fast as I could to his apartment. It was nearly pitch black outside because one of the
streetlights were out, which kind of made me feel uneasy. Although these were college
apartments, I still had heard stories of girls getting raped and stuff. I didn't even have the
pepperspray with me, that was in my purse.

I hurriedly walked towards his apartment and spotted two shadows walking toward his
building. I looked hard and could tell by the one the first one moved that it was Tip. But who
was the other guy? I thought it might have been Smurf at first but he was a little taller. His
walk looked awfully familiar. Tip put his keys in the door and the two moved inside, quickly
closing the door behind them. Odd, it was past midnight.

When I made it to his front door I knocked. I knew he was there. But he wasn't answering. I
knocked again. And I kept knocking until he decided to answer.

Finally, he came to the door, wiping his eyes and yawning.

"Damn Shawty, the hell you over here for?" he smiled lazily.

"I forgot my purse".

"You did? Well shit let me get it for you" he said.

I walked past him to get it myself.

"Girl what you doing?" he said, grabbing my arm.

"I need to get my purse, Tip" I said.

"I can go get it".

He told me to stay in the living room so I did. But I had this sneaky suspicion in my stomach.
I knew that walk. I just didn't want to believe it. But my brain was quickly putting the pieces
together. Something in the air was stankin, and it wasn't my pussy. I pulled out my cell phone
and called Jarvis. Within seconds, I heard a ring tone going off, before quickly being shut off.

Tip was coming back with my purse, a look of horror on his face. I was nodding my head. I
couldn't believe what I had walked into.

"This is Jarvis. Leave a message after the tone" the voice recording said.

The tone went off and my message started, "Well, Jarvis. I guess I see what you mean when
you said you liked thug guys. And Tip" I said before taking my purse from him, "I think I get
why your dick wouldn't get hard until you mentioned booty sex".

"Shawty, you don't know what you're talking about" he said.

"If I don't then let me go check your room right now. Let me go check in your closet and
under your bed. Huh?"

He didn't say anything, just looked at me with while gnawing his teeth.

"I thought so. Both of yall niggas is nasty. And Jarvis, you are a f*cking liar" I said before
turning around and exiting.

"Beyonce. Beyonce!" Tip yelled after me.

I turned around rolling my eyes.

"Can we talk about this?"

"Nothing to talk about. And if you scared, don't worry. I won't tell nobody your ass is on the
DL" I said, loud as hell, where anybody could have heard if they were listening from their
apartments.

He shot me a look, and then I remembered the man did own a gun and was a street guy,
regardless of the type of sex he apparently enjoyed. I checked my purse, going through my
cards as I walked away and everything was in place. I didn't take Tip as a thief. Although he
was a booty pirate.

When I got my car, I felt nauseous again. I tried to push it aside as I pulled off, but when I got
a call from Jarvis on my cell, the feeling returned.

"What?" I barked.

"Bee. Calm down. Let's talk about-"

"Nothing to talk about. You are f*cking the guy you knew I liked and had been talking to. I
don't even wanna think about how long this has been going on. Putting all the pieces together
and remembering that yall went to the same HS. UGH. Yall are nasty. F*ck you" I said
before hanging up, feeling my stomach turn.
I had to pull over. I pushed the door open and threw up on a curb. As I vomited, I thought
about the fact that I had sucked his penis. I remembered the Oprah special I saw once about
men on the DL giving girls aids and then I remembered the workshop I went to and how we
had talked to people about STDs. I was now fearful. What if I became one of those women?

I stormed through my apartment door, causing Michelle to come out of her room to see what
was going on.

"Girl what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing" I said as I walked right past her and into the bathroom.

I put my head over the toilet as my stomach contracted. I didn't throw up, but I kept feeling
like I was about to.

"Beyonce, are you ok?" Kelly asked from outside of the door.

"I don't feel good" I said, wondering if maybe I had food poisoning or if I was just disgusted
from the thoughts of Jarvis and Tip messing around behind my back.

I took a shower to clean myself of the disgusting day from hell and struggled to fall asleep
when I got into bed. I thought about STDS and sex and garlic shrimp. I would never eat at
Red Lobster again, I thought as I ran to the bathroom to throw up again.

The very next morning I went to the free clinic to be tested. I didn't even know if I could find
out if I had a STD this fast, but with my luck, I figured I would get some bad news.

I was there bright and early, and was one of the first people seen. I wanted to hurry up and get
it over with because not knowing was the hardest part. They took my blood, I pissed in a cup,
and awaited the results. I wasn't even prepared for what the doctor had to say.

"Ok, Miss" he looked hard at my name, "Noooes. I will be up front with you. Are you
ready?"

I swallowed hard and nodded, bracing for the worst.

"So you tested negative for all sexually transmitted disease but you tested positive for
pregnancy" he said, looking at his charts, not even focusing on me.

My mouth dropped, my eyes watered, and I felt like throwing up all over again.

"HUH?"

"You're pregnant" he said, still looking at his clipboard.

"Pregnant?"

"Yes. I take it you weren't expecting?"

"Noooooo" I whimpered as tears started to fall.

"Well have you been having unprotected sex?"

I shook my head no, "I've used condoms every time".

"Ummhmm" he said looking at his papers, "Well even condoms aren't 100%. Although if
they are used right they should be nearly 100% effective. Has your cycle stopped?"

"My cycle is irregular".

"Well. You can speak to one of our counselors for first time mothers if you want to and she
can advise you of your options" he said, finally looking at me.

"I just need to get out of here" I said, grabbing my belongings, getting my paperwork and
leaving.

I wanted to drive to Carters place, but remembered his family was there. He was the only one
I was with and could possibly be 3 weeks pregnant from. But with everything going on in his
life, I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to further bother him. He already regretted me.
How would he feel once I told him I was pregnant?

And what would my parents think? First Solange, now me? I would never live this down. I
was going to see them in a few days and I was freaking pregnant. The missed period, the
appetite, the throwing up, the mood swings, the fatigue. It all made sense now. I had a life
growing inside of me.

I went the next few days in a zombie like trance, refusing to eat, and ignoring calls from
Jarvis and Tip. I didn't even care about them anymore. My mind was on this pregnancy
situation. I kept replaying sexual events in my mind and wondering how I could have gotten
pregnant. I even wondered if I told Carter, would he believe it was his, or question it like he
did with his first child.

I was scared. Horrified even. I curled up in the fetal position on my bed and cried for two
days straight. What had happened to my life? My first love broke my heart. The guy I liked
had been sleeping with my male friend behind my back for God knows how long. Kelly and I
were no longer speaking. How could my life crash and burn so fast and so suddenly? Where
had I gone wrong? Why was God punishing me like this?

I needed to get away. I wanted to go home. My real home. Houston, Texas. I wanted my
mommy to hug me and kiss me and I wanted to feel my daddys embrace. I wanted to just get
the hell out of here, away from Carter and Tip and Jarvis and somehow leave this pregnancy
in Florida too. I packed my bags, needing to get away and clear my head. I was hoping I
would somehow find myself once I made it back home for Christmas.

But God was interested in kicking my ass, because my month of hell kept getting worse.
After driving only a few minutes down the street, the car overheated and shut off. Michelle
was at work when I called.

I refused to call Jarvis or Kelly or Carter, so I called the one person I was cool enough with
and knew had a car; Chris.

He answered on the third ring, "Hey Beyawnsay" answered.

"Chris. I'm in a jam. I'm stuck on the side of the road and was wondering if you could come
get me. I need to call a mechanic" I asked.
"Cool, I can come pick you up. Where are you?" he asked.

I told him the intersection and after turning down a few guys who stopped to see if I needed
help, Chris came in his pickup about 20 minutes after I called.

"I appreciate this so much, Chris" I said once he was out of the car and making his way
toward my smokey thing.

"You know anything about cars?" I asked.

"I know some" he smiled.

He was looking cute today. Sporting sunglasses like he was hip. He did it in such a don't-
take-it-serious way that it worked for him.

He popped open the hood and did his thing. I just stood back with my arms crossed and
watched. I could tell this boy had no idea what he was doing. I was angry at how much my
life was sucking, but seeing him inspect the car with sunglasses made me laugh a little.

"So, what's the problem?" I asked.

"It's broken" he said back to me like he had said something profound.

I laughed, "Well thanks for the diagnoses, doc".

"So shines a good deed in a weary world" he smirked.

"Anyway" I rolled my eyes, "Can you give me a ride home? I got the number to a mechanic
on my fridge".

"Of course I'll give you a ride" he smirked, which meant more Wonka was to follow.

"If God didnt Want us To walk he wouldn't have invented roller skates" he said.

I giggled, "Well I'm kind of mad at God right now so f*ck him".

"Cuz of the car?"

"Cuz of everything Chris. This entire month for me has just been so horrible" I said as I
opened my trunk.

"Were you going out of town or something?" he asked looking at the bags.

"Yeah. I was going to Texas for break. I kinda need to get away for a little bit".

"Texas, huh? That's a pretty nice road trip there".

"Yeah and if I can't get this car up and running by today then I'm going to have to buy a plane
ticket or something. I'm scared to even look at the prices".

"A ticket this time of the year on short notice is gonna cost you a fortune. Your parents can't
send you a ticket?" he asked while helping me transfer my bags and Christmas gifts to his
truck.

"My parents are broke right now" I laughed.

"Guess you shouldn't have spent all that money on these new outfits and purses you have
been wearing lately. Gucci this. Prada that" he smiled.

"I resent that Chris" I smiled as I locked my doors and walked around to get in his truck.

"Hey, i'm just saying. You don't need that to produce magic. You are beautiful as is".

"Is that more Wonka?" I asked.

"Nah that one was all me" he smiled.

I playfully smacked his arm and he looked over at me.

"You know, if you want, I could take you to Texas".

"Boy, don't even play like that" I said, totally dismissing the idea.

"I'm serious. I wouldn't mind".

"Chris. I know you are from Europe and everything, but from here to Texas is like 12 hours.
It's a loooooong drive".

"I passed geography, Beyonce" he smirked, "I wouldn't mind. Plus it would save you a lot of
money".

"I wouldn't have you drive me all the way up there and then turn around and leave. Plus I
would still need a way back so I'd end up buying an expensive ticket anyway".

"I can stay up there until you are ready. I'd like to explore a new state".

"Chris, stop it. What about your family?"

He laughed, "My family is in Europe. Chrismas is really just another day for me".

I assessed the situation. Chris was serious about this. He was offering me a free ride to Texas
and then a ride back to Florida. I was running low on money, even after taking Jarvis
Christmas gift and the wii I had bought back. If I took a plane, I'd have to pay for the tickets
and then have to get my car fixed when I got back.

Was Chris the Angel that I had needed for the past month? Still, I couldn't just do him like
that. Use him for a ride. Where would he stay? A hotel? In his car? I was going to be there for
at least a week, maybe two. What would my parents.....

The idea hit me and almost knocked my out of the seat. It felt so good. So sneaky. So funny.
So daring. It was the perfect idea for the perfect situation. But could I really pull it off?
Would Chris go for it? Would my parents fall for it?

"So....." Chris said breaking my thoughts.

"Ok, I have an idea. It might sound stupid. Just let me know if you are totally against it or
totally for it" I smiled.

He chuckled, "Let her rip".

"I can't let you take me to Texas and then you stay at a hotel or something. SO how about
this. You take me and I pretend that you are my boyfriend. It would be like, i'm bringing you
home to meet my parents. Then you could stay there. And we can have a lot of fun in the
process. Is this totally crazy to you?" I asked.

He was grinning hard and looking crazy.

"It would be like that one movie Guess Who. With the white guy and the black girls family" I
added.

"And you would be ok with that?" he asked.

"Why not. It would be fun" I said, thinking about the reaction my family would have to me
bringing Chris home.

I was so wanting to get my mind off my pregnancy and the broken relationships that had
occurred in the past few weeks. I needed a distraction. Chris could be just the key. A care free
guy that didn't take life so serious and could keep a smile on my face. They would be so
focused on him, no one would even notice any subtle changes in me. Chris had crossed my
path at just the right moment in my life. After the storm. The colorful presence that emerged
in the sky. The type of person I needed to be around right now. The type of person I needed in
my life.
"Ok Beyonce. I do".

"Do what?" I asked.

"Take you to be my girlfriend, for Christmas break" he said grabbing my hand and kissing it.

"And I do, Chris, take you to be my boyfriend. Till Christmas break do us part" I smirked,
kissing his hand.

I called Triple A and had my car towed to my apartment and then we made our way to the
highway. It was time to go on an adventure. An adventure home.

Chapter 21

There is something about a road trip that brings out the kid in you. Getting away from the
routine of living your life and enjoying the company of the person doing the same as you.
Both of you partaking in the escapism. You are taught all of your life that it is wrong to quit.
That running away from your problems was a coward move and not a virtue. But on that
same note, jobs give vacation days and we create holidays that only encourage quitting for a
little while. What was a vacation exactly? A Christmas break?

It was an excuse to run away for a little bit. Forget about your real life and focus on the
fantasy of an ideal life. Northerners come down south to hit the beaches and southerners go
up north to hit the slopes and Americans go overseas to not feel so Americanized. Of course
there are the few that get away to experience new things, but there was something more.
Something so much more rewarding under the surface. Getting away, vacationing, breaking,
was nothing more than a euphemism for running away. I was running away with Chris, to get
away from the things that made me cry every time I thought about it. I was running away to
remind me of why I wanted to be in Florida in the first place. I knew why I was running. I
knew why I needed temporary relief. I just didn't know why Chris was running. What was he
running from?
He was always smiling. His eyes were deep and blue, like the water you see on paradise
beaches. I found myself often staring into them. I made him remove his sunglasses just so I
could. I realized as we drove, that even though he talked a lot, he never had said anything that
made me feel as if I actually knew him. He was open and courteous and honest, at least his
eyes suggested honesty, but I still felt a slight disconnect. And on some level, I felt that
disconnect was planned on his part.

We had hung out plenty of times before, mostly during spring semester where he worked on
the documentary and followed around Carter. But nothing he did when it came to me made
me feel as if he thought of me as anything more than a girl from his school that he liked to
chill with. He dripped with likability which is why he was liked by most of his peers. I had
never heard a negative word about him. Despite this, he was still isolated from everyone. And
it was more than his skin color that did it. It was more than his UK heritage that did it. He
wasn't like anyone else there. The way he spoke. What made him tick, laugh, angry, horny.
All of it was foreign.

I believe he held that part of him close to his vest while laying everthing else on his sleeve.
Looking in that boys eyes as we had driven about 45 minutes, I convinced myself to find the
key to that lock and get inside of him. Figure out what was he hiding from the masses. Find
out why he didn't go to parties. Why he didn't hang out on the Set. Find out why he had gone
to a school like this, when it obviously wasn't a perfect fit. Everyone had a story. Chapters
that made them unique. Paragraphs that foreshadowed their character traits. Events that
defined them. I had once judged that book by his cover. But now, I was willing to read.

Or maybe I wasn't that curious. Maybe my curiosity in him was much more selfish. Maybe I
just wanted to read him so I can distract myself. Like someone reading a book to distract
them from their own mundane or sad life. Dissecting his flaws and imperfections seemed so
much more fulfilling than dwelling on mine. I let go of my stomach, which I had been
rubbing subconsciously, and poked him in the arm. He turned my while smiling. I poked him
again.

"What is this, kindergarden?"

I mischievously smiled like a naughty schoolyard girl with a crush and poked him back.
Poke, poke, and one more poke. He laughed, like a schoolyard boy that shared a crush. Like
he always did when something trivial aroused his humor. He decided to play my game. He
poked me back.

Our road trip, one with two supposed adults, played out more like a circus with two clowns.
He found it hilarious, and his infectious smile had me matching his laugh. We weren't
laughing at anything that made sense. We were laughing at ourselves. This was totally stupid.
Totally immature. Totally nonsensical. From the pretend relationship we had concocted to the
poking game that had no winner or objective.

With Carter, we spent our road trips talking about current events or debating movies or
conjecturing about race, or religion, or philosophy, or sex. It was always stimulating. Always
engaging. But it also took energy, an attentive mind and active imagination.

With Chris, we entertained ourselves by acting like children. Quoting nonsense from TV
shows and making faces at each other. Still stimulating, still engaging. But the mingling
required much less energy and effort. It flowed, and bonded us through those first few hours
on the road. I was hungry, he noticed by my stomach growling, so he exited and we decided
to eat brunch at a Mexican food spot that had a special for the day. All you can eat for only 6
bucks. He paid, like he was a gentleman for spending 12 bucks on us, and we stacked our
plates with tacos and burritos and spanish rice and lots of corn on the cobb.

I was on my second plate, hungry as all hell after not eating the previous few days, when we
decided to set the terms for our trip.

"So how is this gonna work?" he asked, biting into a burrito.

I grinned and shrugged, "Dude, I don't even know yet. It's totally crazy. I am totally out of my
mind".

"Is there a particular reason you want to even do this? I mean, your parents aren't black
panthers, are they?" he asked.

I cheesed hard. That would have been hilarious.

"What if they were?"

"Then I am turning around right now" he frowned, "You can take a bus from here".

I laughed.

"Aww. I'm joking Chris. No.. black power extremist or anything. They are super religious,
but not racist".

"And why do you want to pretend i'm your boyfriend?"

I was chewing when he asked. I chewed and tried to even think of what to say. I had no idea
why I wanted to do this. There were so many things going on with me that didn't make sense.
But like one domino falling, there is a slope which forces every standing mental block in your
mind to come tumbling down in a series. I couldn't tell Chris that. I barely could admit it to
myself. But I was close to the edge. After the past few weeks, I was dangerously close to
losing my mind and having a mental and emotional breakdown. If he would have known this,
if I would have given him some type of warning, then he would have understood it was
dangerous to go with any poor idea I decided to verbalize. But he didn't know. He couldn't
have known.

"You make me laugh, Chris. You always make me laugh. Anytime I come in contact with
you, you make me laugh. And. My home isn't a place with a lot of laughter right now. I don't
want to go there alone".

I could tell he didn't expect an answer as bleak as that. He didn't respond in his usual way. He
simply eyed me.

"I hope I'm not creeping you out or anything" I said, wishing I hadn't laid it on so thick.

He smiled, "Do I creep you out when I randomly spout off Willy Wonka quotes?"

I grinned, "Yep".

"Then we're even. Two creeps. I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here. I
don't belong here" he sang.
A few people turned around to look at us and I ducked my head, covering my mouth in
embarrassment as I giggled. He had no shame in his game.

"Beyonce. Even if you were creeping me out. I'd still be fascinated enough to follow it. Like a
moth to the light".

"That doesn't sound too healthy, Chris. You have a fetish or something?"

He tossed the question around in his head.

"No. Just an interest in you".

"Interest in what, exactly?"

"Your family. Your background. Your humorless home. It's piqued my interest".

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Does that creep you out?"

I laughed, "Nah. No more than you knowing every line to a childrens movie".

He shook his head, "Have you seen that movie? That is far from a childrens movie. I consider
it a horror film".

"Horror?" I laughed.

"Yes" he exclaimed in his obvious accent, "Little orange men that sing and a crazy lunatic
candyman that kills off naughty kids. He's like Santa after lipo and a lobotomy" he grinned.

I nearly choked on the rice when he said this. We shared more laughs, totally distracting the
eaters around us. We didn't care. Two college kids with a tank full of gas and soon to be a
stomach full as well. We walked out of the place intentionally bumping into each other.

"Chris, I swear you are a 7 year old at heart" I said once we were inside his truck.

"Would you like me to be more mature when I meet your parents? Tell me what's my role" he
smiled.

"Hmm. Good question. Do you think you could pull off being a a mature guy? A respectable
Brit " I teased.

He straighted his posture in his seat and tightened his face. He coughed and held his chin up,
like he was royalty.

"Cheerio madam. My name is Christopher" he said all formal and asstight.

I laughed, "Ugh. That is so ugly. No, not like that".

"How about I be French instead?" he coughed again, then got a sexy look in his eyes.

"Bonjour Mademoiselle" he said before grabbing my hand, "Je mapelle Chriiiiiis" he said,
trying to sound sexy but sounding more like Pepe Le Pew than a French playboy.
He brought my hand to his lips and gently kissed the back of it while I frowned from how
funny it was.

"Ewwww, Chris. No, that doesn't work either" I smirked.

"Well how about I just be a wigger then? When we tell them we met at FAMU, then that is
what they are going to think anyway" he said.

I shook my head because I knew his theatrics were coming.

"Ok Chris. Give me wigger" I passively grinned.

"Aye, wazzzup, shorrty. I'm Chris D-O-Double G" he said, totally butchering ebonics and
making it sound even worse because he never lost his english accent.

"Know what. Just forget about the act" I laughed, "Just be....Chris".

"That's boring. Why pretend if we're gonna be ourselves? At least give me some kind of role".

"Ok. Instead of majoring in computer science. Be a pre-law student. They will think that's
more impressive".

"4.0 GPA?" he asked.

"3.8. Make it a lil more believable" I suggested.

He nodded.

"Chris, what is your GPA?" I asked.

He shook his head, "You don't even want to know".

"Is it bad?"

"Speak a little louder next time... I'm a trifle deaf in this ear" he joked, obviously quoting
from that kids horror movie.

"Chris, I find it hard to believe your GPA is bad. You're one of the smartest people I know" I
said seriously.

"We're on break, Beyonce. Can we not talk about school" he grinned.

I side eyed this.

"Are you trying to hide something from me, Chris?"

"Like my academic probation?" he smiled.

"Probation? You're close to flunking out?"

He nodded, still not letting that grin leave his face. I couldn't tell if he was pulling my leg or if
he was serious, because he was smirking like it could go either way.

"Are you serious?"

"I'm serious. But it's my own fault. I've put more effort into my music than my studies".

"You play guitar right?"

He nodded, "Yeah.. But getting noticed in Florida while playing Brit Pop is like trying to sell
hotdogs at a Peta Convection" he smiled.

"Then why you in Florida anyway?

"Long story" he said.

"Long drive" I countered.

He sighed, "It's really not that interesting of a story".

"Chris. Shut up. You said you have a fascination and interest about my life and background. I
have one for you too".

"So if I tell you my life story, honestly. You'll tell me yours? You'll tell me why you were
crying that day I saw you in your car? And why you said you are mad at God?"

I didn't respond directly to this question. I didn't want to. I wanted to know about him but
there was just too much at stake for him to know about me.

"So. 3.8 GPA and a pre-law student. Cool?" I said.

He looked dissapointed by my drop of the subject. I still refused to budge.

"Cool".

We entered Mississippi a little less playful than we'd been when we started the trip. Like
children that were now suffering from the side effects of a sugar rush, we were tired
emotionally and physically. I was close to dozing off and he could sense it. I guess he wanted
the company so he asked a question that woke me up.

"Did you sleep with that Tip guy?"

He asked it straight face, looking at me, not feeling any kind of guilty of such an invasive
question.

"What?"

"That guy that everyone said you were dating. I'm just curious. You don't have to answer if
you don't want to" he said, backing off a little but still eyeing me hard.

"Wow. That's kind of personal, Chris".

"So you did" he grinned.

"That's not what I'm saying".

"But it's not what you're not saying, or is it?".

"Huh? Your confusing me" I said, laughing once I realized he was trying to confuse me.

"It's cool. I know it's personal. Women, especially American Women are so protective of their
sexual history".

"I'm not protective of it. I'm just not an open book" I said.

"Oh you are protective. Of your history in general. I asked about your life story and you were
so protective that you couldn't even make up a lie about it. You just changed the subject" he
smiled knowingly.

"I just didn't want to talk about it".

"To me? Or at all?" he said, his deep blue eyes wide and focused on me, not the road.

We were on a plain boring road, with lots of field and miles of road ahead. In the middle of
nowhere is how most people would describe it. It was fitting, given where Chris and me were
in our friendship.

"I slept with him. Once" I said honestly, more embarrassed than I thought I would have been.
This was the first time I had told a straight man that I had slept with another guy. It felt weird
saying this bit of info out loud.

He nodded his head, like he was sure I was being truthful. I looked at him.

"Have you slept with any girls at the school?"

"Nah" he answered.

"Why?"

"I don't think they are interested in sleeping with a British guy" he joked.

"No, honestly Chris. I know you have girls there that like you".

He smirked, "Can I get their numbers?"

I rolled my eyes, "Whatever. You are lying. I told the truth but here you are being protective
of your sexual history".

He laughed, "I'm not lying about not sleeping with any girls at FAMU. It's the truth. But I
think the reason is I haven't been interested in any of them".

I felt a certain vibe when he said that. A bad vibe.

"Chris, are you ghay?" I blurted, staring hard.

His white teeth came into full view once he started laughing at my question.
"Do you think I'm ghay?"

"I don't know. I'm just asking. I want you to tell me the truth if you are".

"No Beyonce. I'm not a homosexual. I'm not bisexual, either. I like women".

This Q&A didn't produce any immediate dialog between us. I guess it was awkward for both
of us.

"Chris. I'm sorry if I offended you or something. I just, got a vibe. That's all".

"A vibe that because I'm not having sex with women at FAMU, then I must be ghay?"

"No, Chris. Not that" I said, trying to think of how to explain it.

He laughed, "It's fine Beyonce. I understand the sentiment".

"No. It's not fine. I shouldn't have been rude like that".

"You weren't rude. I mean I just up and asked had you had sex with a guy" he rationalized.

I looked at him. He was still looking at me with those soft and pure blue eyes. He wasn't
offended. I know most guys would have been. A girl questioning their sexuality would
produce instant offense. But I didn't sense that with him. I didn't sense a change in his body
language or his tone of voice.

"I'm glad you see it that way" I smiled, "The maturity is kind of sexy".

"The last time a woman called me sexy. I was in a strip club with a few hundred dollar bills in
my hand".

We laughed.

"So are you like a virgin or something?" I asked after the laughter wore down.

"No. I'm experienced. I've had sex, Beyonce. Just not with girls at FAMU".

"Why? Cuz they are black? You don't like black girls?"

"Are you black?" he asked.

"Uh...Yeah?" I answered, a bit taken back.

"Then I like black girls" he said.

I didn't expect that answer. But when I got it, I felt a wave of excitement. I wasn't suppose to
be feeling this way. Chris was my friend. My goofy, pretend boyfriend at most.

"Did that creep you out?" he asked.

I shook my head no. But the reality was that it had. I was creeped out because I liked the way
he had said it.
He ended up putting on some Radiohead, who he said was his favorite band, and then telling
me some about his singing and the band he had back home. Eventually, he came back to the
question I had asked him before. I didn't have to ask him, he volunteered the information.

Chris lived in the UK until he was a teenager but moved to America after his dad, who was in
the military, got stationed in Iraq. He came to the U.S. to pursue his dream, being on
American Idol. I couldn't believe it when I heard it but he was serious. He went to the
auditions in Florida and made it past a few rounds, but he never actually made it onto the
show.

I also learned there were more layers to this. His father wanted him to have a military career
as well, but said that if he didn't join the military than he'd have to go to school. Chris put
more time and energy into music than schoolwork and it showed in his transcripts. It was
hard enough transferring grades over from a different country and when it came down to it,
only a few schools would take him.

Chris came up with a plan. He could go to school and get money from his dad and secretly
pursue his ambitious goal of starting a band and making it big. He chose FAMU, one of the
few schools willing to accept him. But after a few years of so-so grades, he was on the brink
of flunking out.

"When do you think you will give up chasing that dream and get your act together?" I asked,
hating to hear about his smart ass being close to being kicked out of school.

"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams" he smiled.

I wasn't in the joking mood.

"Chris I am serious. I'm sure you are a good muscian and everything. But you are too smart to
be a slacker. Too talented. I mean, in the class I had with you, you were easily the most
educated guy there. You have skills with editing videos and web design and stuff like that.
You don't have to spend all of your time on music".

"I put my all into what I love, Beyonce".

I rolled my eyes, "Ok, Chris. Whatever you say".

I wanted to give him attitude for showing such little interest in academics, but there was
something else going on. My stomach was hurting. I needed him to pull over. He noticed it
too.

"You ok?" he asked as I tried NOT to squirm.

"Yeah....I just gotta...pee, could you pull over at the next exit?"

He laughed, "Beyonce do you see the road? I don't know when we'll even see another human
being, let alone an exit. I can pull over and let you pee on the side of the road or something"
he said.

I sighed realizing he was right. My stomach pains would have to wait.

"I can hold it in" I said, not knowing if I could really hold it in.
We drove some more as I hoped we'd come across an exit. The more we drove the more I
realized we weren't coming to one anytime soon. Damn, the south sucked. I had to fart
because of that mexican food and I was stuck in the car with this guy. I kept repositioning
myself in the seat to keep my ass tight and keep that gas from sinking from my stomach
downward.

"You sure you ok? I don't want you to piss yourself" he said, noticing how uncomfortable I
was.

I held my stomach, "I'm fine".

We drove some more as I got my game plan together. I turned on the music and decided I was
going to just let it out slowly. Maybe he wouldn't even notice. I rolled my window down,
saying I needed some air, and when I felt he wasn't paying attention to me, I let my stomach
relax so I could ease the gas out. The first little bit was silent. I waited for a few seconds,
hoping it wasn't deadly as well.

He didn't flinch. This gave me the confidence to force out the last bit of remaining gas. I
couldn't even concentrate or anything but my hurting stomach. But I was also a girl, and girls
don't fart in front of guys. So I had to be stealthy. Like a ninja, creeping in the shadows,
unnoticed by the city dwellers. Like an assassin of the night. I discreetly coughed, ready to let
it out.

Just when I was about put an end to the uncomfortable last half hour that came from holding
in a fart, Chris turned the music down and started talking. I wasn't even focused on what he
was saying at first, I was mad. Men just had to ruin everything.

"Where will your parents have me sleep?" he asked.

"I don't know" I barked way harsher than I intended.

He laughed, "I hope they don't ask if I have a job".

"Do you?" I asked, flinching because the pressure of gas build up.

"Nope. Do you?" he asked.

"Yeah" I said, answering before I even thought about it.

Damn, now he was going to ask where I worked.

Suddenly I started to smell something foul. Like rotten eggs, or the smell that is in the air
when you pass a sprinkler. And it filled the air immediately. That couldn't have been me. I
was still holding it. I looked towards Chris to see if he smelled it too but he was damn near
laughing. This nasty, nasty, boy.

"I guess I shouldn't have ate that last burrito" he grinned.

"UGH" I said, hand over my mouth as I ducked my head out the window, which prompted
plenty of laughs from him.

I had to let the damn car air out before I let my head back in. He was still laughing when I
did. I eyed him with half a grin, half a scowl on my face.
"Ahh, Beyonce. Don't tell me you are stuck up over gas. Americans, I tell you" he said.

"It's not that" I pouted.

He laughed, "then what is it?"

"Chris. I have been holding in my gas for damn near an hour and you just fart like it ain't
nothing" I said seriously.

He laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more. And when I thought about what I had
said, all I could do was laugh too. This was all so silly.

"Know what, f*ck you" I smiled, before rolling my eyes, looking towards the window, and
pooted.

I ain't say excuse me or nothing. I defiantly just grinned like I was a man. If they could do it, I
could too. He took it as a challenge. Moments later, he was pushing, and eventually he let
another one rip. My mouth dropped and then I laughed.

"Top that" he challenged.

I grinned and then frowned up my face like I was gangsta.

"Ok. You want a piece of this?"

I pushed and pushed until I found more gas, letting it rip freely. It was loud, much louder and
ugly than the first one which was soft and musical.

He laughed at me and I rolled my bottom lip in my mouth.

We exchanged farts for the next few minutes until we were out of gas. And then, to keep the
contest going, we burped. He thought he could have me beat there, but little did he know, I
knew how to belch full songs. It was something Solo and I would do when we were bored. I
burped the alphabet, the entire lullaby, and he gave up. He bowed his head to me like I was
UK Royalty, laughing hysterically.

"You win Beyonce. You win the whole enchilada".

I smirked, "It was the enchilada that had me like this".

For the next hour we drove, totally rejuvenated from the thrill of our childish fun. From
poking each other to farting. Chris and I amused each other to no end. I even forgot, for the
first time in days, that I was pregnant and was nursing a broken heart.

I eventually fell asleep, feeling totally comfortable around Chris. Maybe as comfortable as I
had ever fell around the opposite sex. In just a short drive, I felt close to the guy. When I
woke up from my nap, it was night time and the temperature had dropped tremendously. I
was trembling even though I now had a jacket over me. I assumed Chris had placed it over
me to keep me warm. When I raised my head, he was smiling. He never stopped smiling.
There was never a moment of sadness when I was with him.

"Hey, I was going to wake you up in a bit so you could tell me exactly where you live" he
said.

I yawned and stretched before going back to trembling.

"How long was I out?"

"Few hours. We should be in Houston in another 2 hours or so".

"Do you want me to drive from here? So you can get some rest?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm fine. Too much going on in my mind for me to sleep anyway".

"Shit, I forgot" I said, "I gotta call my mom and let her know you are coming with me".

"You didn't tell her you were bringing a guy home?"

I shook my head. And immediately went for my phone. I should have been more careful with
this. But I really had not been in my right state of mind. I called. My dad answered.

"Hey" I said simply.

"Hey sweetie" he answered, sounding upbeat, "Where are you?"

"On the road. I should be there in a few hours".

"Ok Good. I'll let Tina know" he said.

I remained silent. What I dreaded was happening. I was scared. I was nervous. I was a mess.

"You ok?" he said after I didn't respond to his last statement.

"Yeah, I am" I lied.

"You sure? You sound like something is wrong".

"No, nothing is wrong" I said, staring at Chris who kept glancing at me.

"Ok, well I will see you in a little bit. I don't want to distract you while you are driving" he
said.

He was about to get off the phone. If I wanted to at least prepare my parents for what was
about to come, then I had to tell him now.

"Daddy" I said.

"Yeah?".

"I'm not driving" I admitted.

"What?"

"I'm not driving. I'm.....I'm with someone. He is driving" I said, uneasy about detailing the
situation.
"He? Who are you with, Beyonce?"

"....my boyfriend" I lied, looking Chris in his eye.

"Boyfriend?" he asked, his voice a little shaken.

"Yeah. I'm sorry for not saying earlier. But I'm bringing my boyfriend. It's ok if he stays,
right?"

"Beyonce. I wish you would have told me sooner. I mean, what can I say? No? Why would
you wait till the last minute to ask me this? I didn't even know you had a boyfriend".

I didn't want Chris to overhear the conversation so I moved the phone to my right ear.

"I know daddy. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking" I said.

"Is he near you? Right now?" he asked.

"Yes. Driving" I answered.

He mumbled something under his breath. I didn't know what he said, but I knew it was
something that expressed his displeasure with the situation.

"Ok Beyonce. I can, fix the sofa for him. But you did remember your cousins and everyone
was coming for the holidays too, right?"

"Yes. I know. But if it's too much trouble then I can just have-"

He jumped in, "No Beyonce. He can stay. I just want you to be aware that you messed up for
not asking sooner. But anyway, I will just see you when you get here, ok?"

"Ok"

We said our goodbyes and I hung up. Chris was wondering the results of the conversation.

"My dad said you can stay" I answered before he even asked.

"Is it going to be a problem? Because I can stay in a hotel".

"No, Chris. There won't be a problem. I just forgot to ask earlier" I reassured.

"And you're sure I will be safe, right?"

I laughed, "I promise. I wouldn't let anything happen to my boyfriend".

He liked how I said that because he blushed. He turned fire red. It was so cute.

"You know what's interesting?" he asked.

"What's that" I grinned, before resting my head on my arm.

"You seem more nervous about seeing your parents than I am about meeting them. Why is
that?"

I was painted into a corner. I had managed to avoid talk of me and my situations. And he had
told me alot about his life in the many hours we were cramped up in the car. Would it be fair
to keep dodging his questions?

"I am kinda nervous" I said, still trying to figure out if I would tell him about the extent of my
fears of home.

"Why?"

"It's a lot of things Chris".

"Well you don't have to go into all of them. Pick one out. One you are comfortable sharing
with me".

My mind was racing. I didn't really have anything I was comfortable sharing, at least off the
top of my head. Could I tell him about my dad slamming me against the wall? Or how
everything between us since had been awkward? Or how about them blaming me for my
sisters pregnancy. I felt like they secretly were still angry at me, even though they were acting
like they weren't mad anymore. I felt like they thought I was the rebellious, hardheaded, child
that got away. Solange was the one pregnant, but I still felt like they thought I was the bad
one. And the truth was, I was pregnant too. What if I had morning sickness while there?

"Come on. There isn't ONE thing you're comfortable enough to share with me?"

I blurted out the thing furthest from my mind, but still one of the things I was nervous about
when it came to my parents finding out.

"My job".

He smiled, "Your job? What are you a hitman for the mob?" he joked.

"Nope. Worse" I said.

"Uh Oh. This sounds bad. What is it?"

"I'm kind of ashamed to say".

"That bad?" he asked, looking concerned.

"To them it will be. My parents are super religious".

He laughed, "Damn. What are you? Beyonce the teenaged witch or something? What can be
that bad?"

"I take my clothes off and let strangers draw me" I said.

He nearly chocked when I said this, almost losing control of the car.

"Life model?" he asked.

"Damn, how did you know?"

"Well. Only life models do that".

"Yeah, well duh. I was just saying. I didn't even know you knew what that is".

"Life modeling is done all over the world, Beyonce. Especially over in Europe. Nudity isn't as
frowned upon as it is over here" he said.

"So you're not weirded out by it?"

He laughed, "No. Surprised. I wouldn't have ever thought about that. But it's not weird or
anything".

"Yeah, well tell that to my parents".

"They know?" he asked.

"No. And I don't think I will ever tell them".

"Why?"

"They wouldn't understand, Chris".

"Why wouldn't they? There is nothing wrong with being naked. Didn't God create Adam and
Eve naked? Christians should be understanding" he smiled.

"Yeah, and when they ate the damn apple they realized being naked was wrong and shameful.
That's what they would tell me" I countered.

He nodded his head"Touche.....So? Do you enjoy doing it?"

"It?"

"Being drawn naked"

The truth was, I had started enjoying it. It was a thrill. And it gave me a lot of confidence.
And I met a lot of cool people by doing it. But it still wasn't anything I wanted anyone to
know. They would look at me differently.

"I like doing it. But..."

"But nothing. If you enjoy what you do then don't be ashamed of it. You should tell them.
Assert your independence".

"Chris, trust me. You don't understand how my parents are".

"Beyonce, trust me. I have a military dad. Imagine how it was when I told him I was leaving
home to become the next American Idol".

"Well, Chris. That prolly was hard. But it's different for a girl to tell her dad she takes off her
clothes for money. It's just a weebit different" I stated.
"It's really not. A confession to a parent is a confession to a parent. But I'm telling you. It
feels good to release it. Don't hold it in".

"Holding it in works just for me".

"Like when you had to fart earlier?" he laughed, "better out than in. Don't torture yourself by
letting the pressure build up".

I rolled my eyes while grinning to myself.

"Horrible analogy, Chris".

"I thought it was pretty clever".

"It was. You are a clever and quick guy. Which is why I still have an issue with you not
trying harder in school".

"Back to that?" he asked.

"Yep. Off of me. And on to you, slacker".

"Well I am an honest slacker. I'm not ashamed of it".

"Just because you aren't ashamed doesn't mean what you do...or don't do, is any better".

"Ok. Well how about this. How about we help each other".

"How?" I asked, my eyebrows raised.

"If you tell your parents about your modeling, then I will pull in straight A's the next
semester".

I laughed, "That is so uneven of a bet. You benefit either way".

"How? We both benefit".

"I don't see how getting yelled at by my parents benefits me at all. But straight A's benefit
you".

"It benefits you because it's one less thing that holds you captive, Beyonce. I know there are
some things that you are hiding from me and the rest of the world. I know those things are
hurting you in various ways. I know they are causing stress. I hope, for your sake, you let
some of those things go. Like a wise man once told me, you have to go forward to go back".

I was following him until he said that quote.

"Got to go forward to go back?"

"Yep".

"What does that mean?"

"I have no idea. But it fit" he grinned.

"Chris, if you quote another line from that damn movie" I said, as he smirked.

"So does this mean you will tell them?"

"I'll think about it" I barked.

He nodded his head and grinned. We both locked eyes for a mere moment. And in that
moment, I felt that shiver I had felt when he told me he liked me.

"Pull my finger" he smiled, putting his index in my face and totally breaking the mood.

I did, he farted, we laughed like little 5 year olds.

"Clamp your fingers on your tongue and then say stinky apples" I smiled.

"Why?"

"Just do it" I pouted, lips puckered.

He looked around, the road was pretty clear, and then he did what I asked him to do.

"sinky...ahholes" he said.

That was my cue. I lifted my leg and there it was. Sinky ahholes.

We made music for the last remaining miles of our trip.

**

The last few minutes were nerve wracking. Seeing my city, brought back a ton of emotions,
some unwanted and some welcomed. Everything looked so familiar yet so different. So much
had changed for me since I'd been gone which was like giving me a new set of eyes. I saw life
differently. I wasn't a virgin anymore. I had fallen in love. I had experienced a broken heart.
And those experiences had me seeing things in different shades for the first time. The city
was painted in lights, as were the rows of houses that decorated the neighborhoods. Light
bills were sure to be sky high. Hell, I was convinced the electric companies invented
Christmas lights. We stopped by a store so Chris could get him a razor, toothbrush,
underwear, and socks, and then we made our way into the intimidating stretch of road that led
home.

When we pulled up to my house, I did all I could to swallow my emotions. Here it was. Here
was my previous life. I felt funny knocking on my door. The door I had walked in and out of
for 17 years. I felt like a stranger. Like I didn't belong. Chris was the stranger in actuality. The
one who didn't fit in the picture, but I think he was feeling more comfortable than I was. The
door opened, and a man I didn't recognize was staring down at me. Who was this nigga?

It was Ricky, my not-so-little cousin who now towered over me. He briefly looked at me but
quickly turned towards Chris. He became the first person to lay eyes on my make believe
boyfriend.

"Uncle Matt. Beyonce here" he said.

"And hey to you too" I beamed at him.

"Wassup" he said in a deep, manly voice. I didn't like his transformation.

He moved out of the way and let Chris and me walk inside. The place was warm and cozy,
like I remembered.

My dad emerged at the top of the steps, a curious look on his face, as he started walking
down. Solange appeared, looking like she was going to pop any minute now, and then my
mother came. I took a breath realizing they were all looking at Chris, not me.

When they got to the bottom of the steps I looked at Chris was was smiling, like his usual
self. I wondered what was going on in that head of his.

"BEYONCE!" I heard Solo scream when she had wobbled her way down.

She bumped my parents out of the way and we embraced. I really had missed her ass. I was
still shocked to see her like this. Her stomach having a living child in it. I quickly fought to
not think about my own pregnancy. My mom and dad followed right after, hugging and
kissing me and all of that other reunion stuff.

"And who is this?" Solange asked, grinning hard at Chris.

"My name is Chris. I'm Beyonce's boyfriend" he smiled, extending his hand.

Solo knocked his hand out of the way, "Boy we don't hand shake around here".

She gave him a big hug, laughing like seeing me with a white boy was the funniest thing in
the world. He rocked as he hugged her like they had known each other for years. It was quite
comical. My mom gave him a small hug and my dad shook his head.
"Mom can you believe it? Bee went out and got herself a man" Solo cracked.

"A British man" my dad added.

"A white boy" Ricky commented.

My mom laughed although I could tell she didn't try to.

"Boy. Go out there and get her bags" my dad pointed.

"What? I'm only saying what yall thinkin" Ricky smiled.

"I'm glad to see some things never change" I said at my cousin.

He shrugged, grinned, and asked for the keys to the truck. My mom invited us to the living
room where we sat and awkwardly tried to find some opening conversation. Chris lied and
said he was pre-law and an honors student and I could tell they quickly ate it up. He was well
spoken and intelligent. It was easy to believe the lie. But when more questions came in, I
realized we were poorly prepared for this. We didn't rehearse any lies.

"So when did yall start dating?"

I looked at Chris.

"Um...earlier this year" I said.

"Why you never told me?" Solo asked.

"I wanted it to be a surprise" I smiled.

"Well we are definitely surprised" my momma stated.

Chris seemed to be cool with it all. He took it in stride.

"Enough of me. When is that baby coming?"

Solo laughed, "Soon, girl. I'm just hoping he don't come on Christmas".

"You scared?" I asked.

"Yeah. Momma was telling me them horror stories about when she had me and you. I just
don't know if I can do it" she whined, shaking her head.

"You just make sure you're not having any, no time soon" my daddy said at me.

I swallowed hard.

"No sir. Beyonce and I are very careful" Chris blurt out.

I elbowed his ass. Did he really just hint that he and I were having sex? Didn't he remember
that my parents were super christians? Fornication was a sin. My dad stared at me but didn't
say anything. An awkward silence followed.
"Well. I will make a bed for Chris to sleep out here. Beyonce, you can sleep in Solange's
room" my dad said, obviously wanting to set our sleeping arrangements.

It was a little late, which made for a weird transition for us. We met, talked for a bit, ate some
pizza that was in the oven and it was already time for bed. My mom said she was going to
bed and Ricky was in his room listening to music. I was going to retire to Solo's bedroom but
I gave Chris a final look to make sure he was ok. He smiled as he sat on the sheet covered
sofa.

"Night, Beyonce" he said.

"Night, Chris" I smirked.

Not even a full second after Solo's door closed was she all in my face, list full of questions.

"Girl, when the f*ck were you gonna tell me you had a man? A white boy at that" she said.

"Shhhhh!"

She laughed, "Don't shush me. Sh*t, I wanna know. How long you been with this dude for
real?"

"A few months" I lied yet again, "What, you don't like him?"

She lowered her voice.

"Nah it's not that. He seems cool. Cute. I just never pictured him as your type. What happened
to the one guy? The drug dealer?"

I shook my head, "You don't even wanna know" I said in disgust.

"What?"

"I'll tell you later. I don't even wanna think about him".

She was still looking at me. Looking with a smirk. She was having too much fun with this.

"You and that boy are f*cking, aren't you?" she accused.

"No" I said, which was actually the truth.

"You lying. I heard him out there. Me and Beeeyaaawnsssay are careful" she said, mimicking
his accent.

We both giggled.

"Girl, don't lie to me. Can't believe you are finally having sex. Tell me, is he any good? How
big is he?" she pressed, having so many questions that she could barely get them all out.

I decided to feed her inquiring mind. She wouldn't believe the truth anyway.

"He's good, girl. A big, phat, dick. And he can go all night" I said, moving my hips sensually.
We both shrieked. Ricky told us to shut up through his wall and we laughed silently. I caught
up with my sister that night. If there was anything I had missed about home. It was having her
around me. And in days she was going to become a mommy. These were the last few days
we'd have before she made that transition in life. We both knew things would be different
soon. She told me all about pregnant life, how life had been without me, and how mom and
dad were coping with the drop in finances.

We talked until sleep overtook us. She laid on her back, her hand on her stomach, which
made me place my hand over mine. My pelvic are had been hurting for a while, but I thought
maybe it was normal since I was pregnant. I told myself I'd ask Solo about it in the morning. I
was close to sleep, lying in bed with her, but I decided to check on Chris first. I slipped out of
the room and went to the staircase. The lights were now off which made it harder to see
before my eyes adjusted. I squinted and then saw that Chris was wrapped in the covers. It was
a poignant scene for some reason.

There was no way he could have ever imaged, just 24 hours ago, that he would be sleeping on
someones sofa in Texas. I would have never thought it either. A lot had changed in 24 hours.
And that change would dictate the next chapter of my life.

**

Everyone was up bright and early. It was two days before Christmas and our family was in
town. There was a buzz in the atmosphere, a pure wave of excitement that affected everyone
in the house. Holiday spirit, family, and of course the new guy in the house, had everyone
brimming with cheer. My mom was cooking for Christmas Eve and had already started the
prepping. Her sisters were going to help once they got here. I was excited to see the rest of
the fam from Louisiana. Katrina had forced a lot of them out of their homes and things were
just now getting back to normal.

Ricky could have moved back in with his folks, but he said he wanted to stay since he had a
role on the basketball team and had met a lot of friends. I found it a bit unfair that we had
been home schooled yet he could attend public school, but then again, Ricky wasn't their
child. He would be leaving the nest in a few more years anyway.

We all showered and had eaten breakfast by 10, and then Solo got the call from cousin Angie
that they were in the city. Half an hour later, they were in our driveway. It was cousin angie,
her mom, her dad, and two of our other cousins. Another van of family members were
coming but they weren't set to arrive until later.

Everyone was all over Solo and her baby bump. They couldn't believe the girl was having a
baby, especially since she was just a young teen the last time they saw her. Once the shock of
seeing her wobbling around wore off, they then focused on the second most interesting
development. Beyonce and her white boyfriend. I introduced Chris, who charmed them with
his accent and smile. I could tell they liked him. He was a likable guy. But I could also sense
they hadn't yet digested the thought of me dating him. I found a lot of humor in it. Both Chris
and I did.

We played on it. We held hands and called each other pet names like snuckums and
sweetheart. He fed me a banana, which really had Angie howling in laughter. We cut it out
when my Dad walked in the kitchen, though. Angie was still laughing while me and Chris
stood at the table, looking around. He was such a natural at playing this off and it rubbed off
on me.
Later that afternoon, the second wave of family came, uncles, male cousins, and aunties, with
a few little ones running around, and the holiday kicked into full gear. My aunts made their
way into the kitchen to do their thing with my mom, male cousins went into Ricky's room to
play video games or chat about girls, or whatever they did, and the girls went out in the
backyard. They got their full dish of gossip by going back and forth between talking about
Solange and talking about Chris.

We hit a small speed bump along the way when someone asked who was Solo's baby daddy, I
guess no one had told her that it wasn't to be discussed, but Solo laughed it off and we kept it
moving. When mid afternoon rolled around we all decided to head to the mall. I had planned
to take Chris with me but all of the girls had other plans.

"No. Let Chris stay here and get acquainted with his future family" Angie smiled.

I looked at her and then him, "Nah, I don't think Chris wants to hang around Ricky and them
or my aunties".

Chris smiled, "You ladies go out and have fun. I'll be fine Beyonce. Maybe your mom can
teach me a thing or two".

I eyed him and he had a twinkle in his eye. He was dead serious. I admired that confidence
about him. I admired a man willing to not by shy around family. And he wasn't even my man,
for real for real.

"You sure boo?" I asked, putting emphasis on it.

He smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I had to smile. He was putting on an academy
award winning performance. And he got free kisses out of the deal. We piled into the rental
van as Angie cranked up so we could go window shopping at the mall.

"Beyonce, that boy is too much" she said.

"That's my boo. Lay off".

My cousin Liane spoke up, "You know the reason we said he couldn't come right?"

I shrugged.

"Girl, we want all the details. From the size of the dick to the taste of the cum" Angie
smirked, looking in the rear view at me.

I was super embarrassed, but found the attention to be numbingly welcomed. So I made up
lies. Elaborate lies about the first time we had sex and how great he was in bed and the crazy
positions he would put me in. I was literally recollecting scenes I had seen in pornos or read
in Zane books. They ate it all up. It was fun. Fun to be around cousins that I use to be so cool
with. We spent many summers going swimming and calling boys and staying up late
gossiping. Years later, we now had boops and baby daddies. But it was just like old times,
like we were back in New Orleans on my grandmas front porch, eating hot sausages and
talking about what we'd do when we started f*cking.

Solange actually had factual sex stories that blew their mind, and she told them, all while
rubbing that baby bump.
"Yeah, we see where all that pussy popping got you, Solo" Angie grinned.

"Beyonce better watch out. She gon be having a mulatto baby" my cousin Keisha teased.

I laughed with them, although everytime they joked about me getting pregnant I was
reminded of my actual situation. I was reminded of Carter and it made me wonder what was
going on at his house. Were they celebrating Christmas like a real family? I had managed to
go a whole day without thinking about that while I was with Chris, but now, the thoughts
returned. The thoughts burned me. The man had his child growing in me. And I didn't know
what to do about it.

We ended up doing what women did to make themselves feel better; shopped. It turned into
just buying something small, like some pajamas for Solo's baby. Next thing you know, we
were in line with the other crowded shoppers, buying clothes and shoes and purses that were
on sale for the holidays.

We ended up buying expensive ass food from the food court and also went to go see I Am
Legend, the Will Smith movie with the vampire things. It took nearly 25 minutes just to get
out of the mall parking lot and after walking around all day, we were spent. Walking into the
house was like walking inside of a restaurant, the fragrances and aromas of greens and ham
and macaroni and cakes dripping from the air.

"It smells GOOD up in here" Angie exclaimed as we walked into the kitchen.

Solo went straight for the lemon cake.

"Solange, go sit down" Angie's mom said.

"Auntie come on now. I need just a small piece. For my baby" she smiled, rubbing her
stomach.

"Nope. Out. All of yall. Out" she grinned, pointing towards the living room.

"Where is Chris at, ma?" I asked.

"Upstairs with the boys" she said, barely paying me any attention.

Oh no. What were them hoodlums doing to my friend, I thought. I sighed and made my way
to the staircase, hoping to God Chris had managed to have a good day without me. I tried to
open the Ricky's room door but it was locked. I knocked.

"Ricky, is Chris in there?"

I heard snickering. I knocked some more.

"Open the door, punk".

The door swung open and Ricky and my male cousins were huddled around the door smiling.
What had they done with Chris?

"Where is he?" I asked.

"Who?"

"You know who" I said.

"C-Dog?"

"Who?" I barked.

"C-Dog" Ricky laughed, before moving out of the way.

My line of sight brought me to the goofiest thing I had ever seen in my life. Chris and his
skinny ass was wearing baggy jeans, a Yankee Cap, jordans, and an oversized white tee.

"Chris, what the hell?"

He was grinning and posing, "Sup baby thug" he said, grabbing his crotch.

They all started laughing, I screamed and ran downstairs. They had turned my boo into a
wigger and he had gone along with it.

We all had a good laugh about that one.

**
Christmas Eve began even earlier than the day before. I think we all had woken up so early
because we all wanted some of that food. Everyone was suppose to meet back at the house
around 2 and we'd eat. Solo had managed to baby her way into the kitchen for some lemon
cake while I had stole some ham and carrot salad. Our family had a tradition to eat Christmas
dinner on Christmas eve because that is how my Grandma had been raised to do it. Even
though she had passed, we decided to keep that tradition going. We were planning to spend
Christmas Day out in the city.

I got a text from Rihanna while Solo and me were getting dressed, trying to look cute for the
day.

Received 11:33 AM: Wait till I tell u bout this nigga....

Sent 11:34: AM: lol wat happened?

Received 11:35 AM: Ima tell u when I get back to Fla...the nigga is singing in the shower
rite now...he better be lucky his penis is decent

Sent 11:36 AM: lol, i got some SHIT to tell u too...

Received 11:38 AM: u at ur parents? how is dat going?

Sent 11:40 AM: Its going...no drama yet...

Received 11:42 AM: Ur sis pop yet?

Sent 11:46 AM: Waiting anyday now...

Received 11:48 AM: Anyway...im bout to go get me some penis...call me asap if ur dad goes
wild on u again...n let me kno when ur sis has da baby

Sent 11:49 AM: k...be safe...love u

Received 11:50 AM:...luv u 2 booboo

The family arrived a little before 1 and the photo albums came out as did the memories and
laughter. We came across pictures of all of us on our bad days, the terrible fashion of the 80's
and 90's, and the hairstyles. My mom teared up a bit when she came across pictures of her
mother, but her tears faded when she got to pictures of Solo and me as babies. She didn't
hesitate to show Chris.

"Oh momma, no. Not that one" I shrieked.

Chris was all into the photo album, "Oh wow".

I covered my face.
"Ugh. Showing all the ugly pics" I said.

"All your pics is ugly" Ricky teased.

"Boy, don't make me go to your ugly baby pics" I said, yanking the photo album to get to the
picture of him with that five head.

Chris seemed to enjoy the family jabs. I sensed he wasn't use to that sort of thing. Like it was
new and fascinating to him. I was happy that my family had actually accepted him in. We
played our role so well, I almost forgot that we were pretending. But family could never just
stay with the subtle jabs. They just had to go for the jugular. Angie told stories about me
peeing the bed when I spent summers in New Orleans, which my mom confirmed.

"Oh yes, lawd. Beyonce didn't stop peeing in the bed till she was what? 12, 13?"

"13" My dad said.

"Really, yall?" I rolled my eyes.

Ricky was laughing. But the jokes on me didn't stop there. Next up was the day I almost
burned the kitchen down because I started a grease fire.

"I see why yall don't let her cook" my mommas oldest sister said.
"My cooking ain't that bad" I said, defending myself.

"Bee. Don't you even start fronting for Chris" Solange said.

"I can cook" I began, before realizing this was a joke on me session.

I understood this was one of those things that happened because I had brought a guy home. It
was tradition for them to bring up embarrassing stories about me. But they knew I was
sensitive. They knew I wasn't very good at handling a bunch of people making fun of me.
They knew if they kept at it, they'd get me to crack. I tried my best to let it ride, though.

"Aunt Tina. Remember when Beyonce kept getting bullied at camp and Solange had to beat
that one girls as...um...butt" Angie laughed.

My mom looked at her, "Uhmm. I heard what you was about to say, And. And yeah, I
remember. Beyonce was afraid to tell anyone she was getting bullied. Just cry and stuff".

Ricky butted in, "Dang. The lil sister had to protect the big sister?"

"It's always been like that" Angie said, "Solo was the big lil sister because Bee was so dag on
scary".

"She still is" Solo said.

"Yall leave Bee alone" my youngest Aunt, Angies mom said.

"No. Her man need to hear these stories, ma" Angie said.

"Yeah but yall gon make the girl cry, yall know how sensitive she is" she said.

I rolled my eyes at this dumb shit.

"I can't cook. Can't hold my bladder. Can't fight. Guess I don't have no good qualities, huh" I
said.

Angie frowned, "Bee. Stop it, girl. You know everyone is just teasing you. That boy see all
your good qualities that is why he is here. We just letting him in on the embarrassing stuff".

"Whatever. " I said under my breath.

"Beyonce. Are you seriously getting upset over this?" my momma asked.

I didn't say anything. I was mad. And I knew if I would say something there was a good
chance I'd start crying.

"Yall leave my baby alone" my daddy said.

"That's just it, Matthew. Everyone up in here is playing and she just got to be the one to take
it to heart. Beyonce know we joking. She's just a big baby" my mom replied.

"No offense, but if Beyonce is sensitive to being teased. Then why tease her?" Chris said,
totally catching everyone off guard.
"She needs thicker skin, Chris. We understand that is your boo and everything. But if she
can't take teasing from her family then she ain't gon never grow up" Angie said, "And she
know we all love her".

"Ok, everyone just stop it" my oldest aunt said.

"Tina, you know your child is sensitive. No need to push it. Can we just get back to looking
at the pictures and stop embarrassing the girl?"

She was the eldest of everyone with grandma gone. She had the wisdom of my grandma. The
same facial features and tone of voice too. If anything, I felt as if it was my grandma that had
spoken those words and put an end to the joke on me moment.

I was so tired of people thinking I was a coward or scary or shy or reserved. I had jumped out
of that shell. And I was going to prove it. When later that night my mom asked what had I
been doing for money, I decided I was going to tell them the truth. They would see, their little
girl was no longer a little girl.

"I life model" I told her with a straight face.

She didn't know what this is.

"What's that?"

"I pose for art students so they can draw me" I said, only telling half of the truth, leaving out
the nude part.

"And you get paid for this? That is how you have been paying that rent?" she asked.

"Yes".

"Well. As long as you are paying your bills. I was hoping you weren't doing anything crazy
like taking your clothes off for money" she said.

"I am" I said, looking her straight in her eyes.

I wanted to know her reaction to this reveal.

"What?!"

"Ma. Life models pose nude for art students. It's the same type of art that the famous artist
did".

"Pose nude? NUDE? As in you are naked?" she asked, wanting further clarity.

"Yes Ma'am. It's tasteful. Nothing bad or sexual".

"Nothing sexual?" she said raising her voice, "How is taking off your clothes not sexual?"

"Because it's not porn, ma. It's art".

"You can call it whatever you want to call it Beyonce. I'm sure Hugh Heffner calls Playboy
art too. That don't make it true".

"Mom that is different. Life modeling is classical posing".

"But are you naked when this is going on?" she asked, still focusing on that part.

"Yes".

She looked like she had seen a ghost.

"Matthew!" she yelled.

My dad came running. It was time for the real moment of truth. I prepared. I refused to be
thrown against a wall again. I was an adult now. I didn't have to take it.

"Beyonce. Tell your daddy what you are doing for money".

"Daddy. Listen" I said, hoping he would hear me out before getting angry.

"I'm listening" he said.

"I'm life modeling. It's only a few nights a week. 30 dollars an hour. What I do is pose for a
group of artist in a classroom".

"Don't leave out the naked part, Beyonce" my mom added in.

His eyes got wide when she revealed that detail.

I nervously awaited a reaction. I looked at him and hoped he wouldn't turn away from me. I
didn't necessarily need them to agree with what I did, but at least don't shun me. That was
how I felt.

"So you take pictures nude?" he asked.

"No. No pictures. They only draw me. With pencils. It's classical art".

'Beyonce. But what if they did take pictures? That type of stuff can get on the internet. And
then what? Who would hire a teacher with naked pictures of them on the internet".

"Ma, listen. There are no pictures. Cameras aren't even allowed in. No pictures unless the
model okays it. No pictures of me are getting on the internet. Most of the drawings don't even
have my face. And they go in their artists portfolios".

"Beyonce you can dress this up however you want. Fact is. You are taking off your clothes
for money. Prostitution. What is the difference between what you are doing and what
strippers do?"

I sighed, "Ma. How is shaking my ass for horny men the same thing as posing for artist?"

"So now you are cursing? Matthew, handle your child" she said, putting her hands up in
defeat.

My dad took a deep breath.

"Beyonce. What made you start doing that? You would rather get naked than to ask us for the
money?"

"Daddy. You basically said I was on my own. So I discovered that. I wasn't going to beg for
money when there were other options. Plus, I know yall were having some money problems".

"Beyonce I'll do whatever I can do to not have you degrading yourself for rent".

"But I'm not degrading myself. It's really not as bad as you are taking it. It's art. It's not porn".

"Well if we started sending you money. Would you stop the art?" my dad asked.

"You would pay the entire rent?"

"We can't afford the entire rent. But we could send a few hundred dollars. And you can get a
regular job to help with the rest" he replied.

I looked at both of them. I knew they would never accept what I was trying to get them to
accept. It wasn't a matter that was up for debate. They had their minds already made up. Life
modeling, was sinful porn. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Ok" I said.

I noticed for the rest of the day, they seemed withdrawn from me. I think the fact that I had
told them what I was doing made them see a side of me they didn't know existed. Their oldest
daughter, had chosen to make money with her body. I knew in their head they were
wondering where did they go wrong.

**

"I don't believe that is even your man" Solo said to me as we got ready to go out.

Our parents were already gone which just left Solo, me, Angie, Chris and Keisha at the house
still getting ready to go see the lights.

"Believe what you want" I grinned, applying lotion to my legs.

"I mean, yall ain't even tried to have sex since yall been here. And I been clocking you so I
know" she said.

She was right. It was Christmas evening, and Chris and I had not had sex.

"So".

"So. Then I think yall fronting" she eyed me.

I laughed.

"Ok. We're fronting then".

"Yall have to be. You described that dude like he was a sex machine. And since yall been
here, yall aint even tried to touch each other".

"Chris is respectful. He ain't trying to have sex with me in my parents house".

"Bull...shit...Beyonce".

She continued to drill me but I kept downplaying it. I think my unwillingness to take the bait
only made her even more curious about my relationship with Chris. I thought about this while
we all walked in the park, admiring the spectacular lighting. Chris held my hand through this,
but I didn't know if it was for show or for real. I did know I liked the feelings I got as he held
it, regardless.

When we got back to the house, Solo thought it would be funny to trick us into standing
under a mistletoe.

"Aww. Now yall gotta kiss" Solo said in front of the entire family.

My dad looked uncomfortable. My mom was smirking. Everyone expected something. I

looked at Chris who looked willing and ready to keep out act going. What the heck. We had
gone this far already. He leaned into me and we shared a very nice, a pleasantly nice, peck on
the lips. Our kiss got a round of applause and "awwws". More than anything, I was shocked
by the electricity I felt when I kissed Chris.

Chris ended up bringing in his accoustic guitar and we sang Christmas carols and that was the
first time I ever got a chance to hear him sing. His voice was whiny, but joyous and piercing
at the same time. It made me melt.

To add even more fuel to the fire of speculation, I pulled Chris inside of Solo's bathroom
when we got back to the house. Angie And Solo were sitting on the bed, so I decided to give
them something else to gossip about.

"Shh" I whispered to Chris, who was wide eyed and wondering what was going on.

"Follow me" I whispered.

He nodded his head slowly.

"Uh" I moaned, trying my absolute best not to laugh.

Chris looked at me like I had farted or something. I cheesed at him hard and motioned with
my head for him to play along.

"Oooo yeah, baby" I moaned.

He silently chuckled to himself before straightening up his face.

"Ahhh. Ahhh yeah. You feel so good, Beyonce".

We started making smacking noises and kissing our hands to simulate kissing sounds. Then
Chris started making smacking noises with his arm.

"F*ck" he screamed.
I tried not to laugh. We really got into it.

"Harder, harder" I moaned.

"Yes harder. In my ass!" Chris smirked.

We both burst out laughing, knowing there was no way they would actually believe we had
been having sex. We opened up the door, thinking we'd be met with laughter from my cousin
and sister, but there was a third person waiting...my mom.

She just looked at us with this weird, semi smirk planted across her face. Chris looked at me
not knowing whether to smile or frown. She ended up walking out of the room, that weird
smirk still on her face. When she left, Solo and Angie clowned us. And Solo laughed so hard
that her water broke. Christmas night, and we were headed to the hospital.

**

My nephew was born December 26, 2007. But something else happened. Something born of
irony and horror. It started when I had received a voice mail from Carter. It came late
Christmas night, around the time we were rushing Solange to the hospital. The excitement
was too much for me to pay attention to my vibrating cell phone which read Vicky.

I didn't check my phone until a few hours later. I stepped into the hallway to listen to the
voice mail. I was shaking with anticipation. Every negative thought in my body erased. I
wanted to hate him. But everything from my bones to the breath in my lungs longed to love
him. I tuned out the world and closed my eyes, all of my senses focusing on his voice.

"Hey Beyonce. Just wanted to wish you a merry christmas. I hope everything is going well
with you. Anyway. Take care and I'll see you next semester. Godspeed".

I replayed the message, then again, and once more. I memorized the words. I replayed them
in my head. And I fought with myself on whether I should call him back. Chris ended up
meeting me in the hallway. He startled me.
"You ok?" he asked.

I nodded.

I had been having cramps but I thought it had to do with me being nervous or something I had
ate. But when the pains were starting to become a lot more intense. Any other time I would
have assumed it was my period. But I was pregnant, so that was impossible. But as I stood, I
felt the need to check myself in the bathroom. Chris saw the pain in my eyes and he followed
me.

"Do you want me to get your mother?" he asked.

I quickly shook my head, "No. Chris whatever you do. Don't tell anyone" I said, breathing
hard from the pain.

I went into the hallway bathroom and locked the door. I was afraid to make a move. I stood in
the dark and prayed to God. Please don't let this be what I think it is. I pulled down my pants
and immediately saw that I had been spotting. It was a brownish greyish color. Blood
shouldn't look like that, and I shouldn't be bleeding, I thought. I panicked. I started crying and
losing my breath. I lost my balance and fell against the door.

"Beyonce!" I heard Chris say from outside.

I couldn't breath. I felt like I was suffocating. Like I was drowning in fear. Chris was
knocking on the door. He said he was going to get a nurse. I came to my senses and unlocked
it. I didn't want any nurse. I didn't want any of my family to find out. Not like this. Not in
here. Not on this day.

"Chris please. No" I said from the floor.

He walked in the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He helped me up and on the
toilet, and after he saw the blood, I was a terrible wave of fear overtake him.

"I gotta get the doctor" he insisted.

I pleaded"Chris, No. Please. PLEASE".

He knelled down next to me on the brown floor. He didn't say anything. But he attempted to
comfort me with soft hands and soft eyes. He was concerned. I was concerned too. But I
didn't want to tell anybody. I couldn't tell anyone.

I cried and begged him to keep the episode a secret. Eventually he left out of the bathroom
and said he would be downstairs in the Garden where the patients went to get fresh air. I
could tell he was afraid for me. But as painful as it was, he still adhered to my wishes. He
didn't tell anyone that I was having a miscarriage.

I met him down in the garden.

"Beyonce. You have to tell someone. You are at a hospital" he urged.

"Chris. Just stay out of it, ok? Mind your own business" I barked at him.
He could have responded with bitter words, but he didn't. He didn't say anything. We sat in
the garden, the beautiful garden that had survived despite a cold winter. I cried. He put one of
his arms around me and I cried on his shoulder. How was it possible, that on the day my sister
was having her baby, I was losing mine.

I gathered enough strength to go up to the room with Solange, and a few hours later my
nephew was born. I forced myself to smile at the beautiful baby boy. I kissed my sister, who
had been through hell to bring this baby out. And even in her worst state. Drugged up, cried
out, and exhausted, I envied her. I held the baby, and just marveled at how small he was. His
fingers and hands so delicate and tiny. Such a fragile creature I held in my arms. But his
breaths were strong. Violent almost, shaking his entire little body everytime he breathed in.
They took my tears for tears of joy, but they were more than that. They were so much more.

Over the next few days the pains intensified as did the spotting. Chris kept urging me to tell
someone, but I'd ignore him or curse him out. He just didn't understand the predicament. He
didn't understand. No one would understand.

My family was celebrating new life. Everyone was happy and excited for the new baby.
Playing games, dancing, laughing. And I had to pretend, while in the midst of losing my
pregnancy, that I was as happy and joyful as they were. When I got a pain and they asked
what was wrong, I would tell them I had gas. When they were doing the electric slide, I
joined in.

And then the most gruesome moment of my life occurred. I had to look in the toilet at my
baby. The tissue that made up my child had passed through me and lay waste in the place
people defecated. I didn't want to throw up on the tissue so I instead threw up in the bathtub. I
didn't want to flush either. I ran the shower and just stared at the remains of my baby. Carters
baby. What we made together. The child I had decided on the car ride here that I'd keep.

And then I felt guilty. It was my fault. For falling in the driveway. For not telling anyone I
was spotting. It was my body that had killed my baby. It was forever my fault.

Chapter 22
It happened around New Years Eve when I got the idea. I had been calling myself a murderer
in the mirror for the past few days, hating the monster in my reflection. I truly felt as if my
body's rejection of the pregnancy was my own fault. From me not eating to me stressing so
much. I truly believed stress could cause a miscarriage. And I truly believed I had stressed
myself into one.

Most people made new years resolutions to lose weight or write a book or save money or
something like that. My goal wasn't anything like that. My goal was to forgive myself. My
goal was to look in the mirror and not cry. I didn't know how I'd do it. But I wanted to be able
to look into the mirror and not hate my reflection. I wanted my reflection to show someone I
could love again.

I decided the first thing I'd do was chop my hair. I had never cut my hair before, and my
family thought I was crazy. And that was mainly why I wanted to do it. It was something
drastic and it would instantly make my reflection look different. Angie went with me to the
salon where I held my emotions in long enough to see my hair cut. I didn't shed any tears over
the change. It was change that was needed. I was going to be a new person. I could not live
being the woman that had killed her baby.

Chris was with me through it all. He was a comfort to me in ways he didn't even realize. I had
given him attitude ever since the bathroom spotting at the hospital. And never once did he
take it to heart. Never once did he do what I was provoking him to do, and that was lash out
at me. He was the only person in the whole world that knew what I was going through at the
moment. He was the only one that had the power to help me through it. And his kind heart
had the strength to take on the challenge.

When we left for Florida, it was like we were two different people. Gone were the immature
farting contest or the hours of pointless chatter. We were silent, but still communicating in
other ways. I could look into his eyes and feel comfort because I knew what his heart was
wanting to tell me. I didn't cry, surprisingly. I didn't know if I could anymore. There was an
emotionless void where my baby should have been. I felt empty.

Chris was exhausted after driving for 8 hours straight so we decided to stay at a hotel for a
night. We got a two bed motel for cheap. We didn't realize until we had already paid for it
that their heater was down. Chris complained and we got the night free. We could have went
to a different hotel, but I insisted we take the free night. I got in the bed and tried to sleep. But
I was too hurt to sleep. Too hurt to cry. Too hurt to eat. I hurt so much, that I felt like I
couldn't do anything. I laid there freezing as the overnight temperatures dropped.

Chris saw me shivering and I felt him when he got in the bed with me, removing his shirt and
pulling me close to him. I didn't realize what he was doing at first, but when I felt his body
heat warming me up, I knew then. He held me close, tight, and secure. He wasn't trying to
have sex with me or take advantage of my vulnerability. He was just trying to help me
through the night. He warmed me with more than his body heat. He warmed me with his
presence. The kind of warmth that instantly gives you rest. Peace within. He put his hand on
my stomach. On my womb. On my emotional scar. I fell asleep in that embrace.

I woke up that morning and saw Chris sitting in a chair writing in a notepad.

"Morning beautiful" he said to me.

I smiled.

"Just so you know. You fart a lot in your sleep" he grinned.

"I do?" I grinned back, before yawning.

He nodded his head.

"Well I'm sorry I ran you out of the bed".

"You actually did. Made me just decide to write".

"What are you writing?"

"A song..."

"Song about who?" I asked, before sitting up.

"A woman I admire very much" he said matter of factly.

I took in the compliment that was about me, based on his smile. Chris had been so awesome
this past week. And even though I still felt empty, I valued his efforts.

"Chris. Thank you for everything. You don't know how much I appreciated you".

"Thank me by not bottling up whatever you are feeling right now".

"How?"

"Write" he said, handing me a pen and pad.

"I don't really write thought Chris. I'm not talented like you".

"It's not about that. Write whatever comes to you. Write however you feel. It's unhealthy for
you to keep all of it in. Release it. We'll write together, ok?" he suggested.

I took the pen, not knowing what I'd end up writing. After scribbling on the notepad for a
minute and seeing him ponder and write, I decided to just listen to what he was saying and
not be hardheaded. I wrote the first word. I let what I was feeling, take place on the page.

I sit in my dark world

In a dark corner
Of my dark room
As waves of self-loathing
Rock me back and forth
On this sea of pain
In this vessel of hate
Manned by fear
Hand-made with broken dreams
And shattered hearts
Held together with threads of despair
And hopelessness
I feel nauseous
Waves crashing against my brain
Relentlessly spraying me
With the fine mist of failure and regret
Until I am drowning in them
Unable to breathe
As the current pulls me under
The reality of my life soaking me
Inside out
And I am dragged down
To the bottom of my
Worst nightmares
I gasp for air
But my lungs fill with
The salty tears that form the ocean
In which I am engulfed
I kick for the surface
Only to find there is no daylight to reach for
Just a chasm of emptiness
My body grows weak and surrenders
As waves of self-loathing
Rock me back and forth
On this sea of pain
In my dark room
In a dark corner
Of my dark world
**

The next few weeks would be about rebuilding. Rebuilding my confidence. Rebuilding my
happiness. Rebuilding my broken heart. I had lost friends I thought were gone for good and in
the back of my head I would always feel responsible for my miscarriage. But the one person
who knew about my lost refused to let me wallow in self pity.

He called me, told me jokes, invited me out of the house, and kept telling me I wasn't to
blame. His words were ultimately futile, for the moment, but they were appreciated. He
couldn't have possibly understood how damaged I was at the moment. I felt like my body was
dirty. Like it was unworthy of being loved. But his encouragement did keep me from
completely falling into the black hole that was sucking the life out of my world.

The other person that could bring new life in me was that crazy ass friend of mine that I
hadn't seen in weeks. She came back from her trip to Vegas and we met up for lunch at this
one spot we ate at a few times. This girl was mad at me for a couple of reasons and the first
word out her mouth when she saw me was b*tch.

"Nice to see you too" I smirked.

"No you did NOT cut your hair" she said looking me over, still not having even said hello
yet.

"I did. So what?"

"What? You trying to be like me or something? You shouldn't have cut it".

"No I ain't tryna be like you. I got my own mind. I wanted something new. And you still ain't
even said hey to me" I shot.

"Hey. Now tell me why you chopped off your pretty ass hair, nigga".

I laughed, "Sit down. Tell me about your trip".

She had her dog with her, which could fit in her arm or on her shoulder, but as we ordered our
food and drinks I still noticed her looking at me like she was mad. It wasn't a look that she
was angry, just the kind of look she got when she wanted to b*tch at me for something. I
knew the reason why, especially since she hadn't mentioned it yet.
"What did you get for Christmas?" I smiled.

She was looking at me with the most evil smirk.

"B*tch" she smiled, "I swear you had me crying when I saw that sh*t. I wanted to kill your
ass".

"Why?"

"Cuz I wasn't expecting no kind of shit like that. And I wondered how you had it done. It
dawned on me that you must have STOLEN it".

"No, I borrowed. And damn you are so unappreciative. You're welcome, Rihanna".

"Thank you" she barked, in the same tone of voice she had called me a b*tch in.

We laughed.

"Tell me about your trip. You said the dude did something crazy or something" I said.

"Oh boy. That simp ass nigga".

"What he do?"

"Bee, you know I don't do all that sentimental Keith Sweat shit. I come into the hotel room
the first night and he got it decorated with candles and rose petals on the bed and shit. He had
literally booked a hooneymoon suite. Music playing and shit. I'm looking at this dude like, the
f*ck is this?"
I started laughing, "Uh Oh. Did you tell him before hand you don't like that kinda stuff?"

"Bee, I swear to you. He knew the deal. I told him before hand. Look, I ain't tryna be nobody
girlfriend. I came to gamble and f*ck. That's it. Oh and maybe shop a little too".

"Well, was the sex at least good?"

"Hell yeah it was. I wouldn't have made the trip out there with him if I didn't already know he
could f*ck. He was good and all, but he kept doing shit wrong".

I put my hand on my cheek and batted my eyes, "Like what, RihRih? What shit did he do
wrong?"

She rolled her eyes, "Like for example. The first night, he is asking what movie do I want to
watch. He is mentioning all these romance chick flick movies, like the Notebook and shit. I'm
like nigga, we can watch porn. I don't need to see no romantic comedies with Ben Stiller and
the white b*tch from Friends".

I giggled, "Aww. He sounds like a sweet guy".

"The hell with all-lat. I ain't want sweet. Like, the nigga is holding me in bed and trying to
spoon and caress my cheek and stuff. I let it happen and ere-thing cuz I ain't wanna be a total
b*tch about him showing me affection or whatever, but then he started calling me pet names
and stuff and I was like, feeling nauseous any time he did it. Baby this and sweetheart that.
Ugh."

"Most girls would love that, Rihanna" I said shaking my head.

"Girl, do you know who I am? I ain't most girls. I don't wanna make love till the sun comes
up. I want to f*ck, get my nut, roll over and sleep" she laughed.

"I think you are really a man, Rih. You should look into plastic surgery" I joked.

"I prolly should. I do have penis envy. I would like to slap a b*tch in the mouth with a dick at
least once in my life" she laughed.

The waiter brought us our food, but overheard her last comment. I was embarrassed, but Rih
didn't care. When the waitress gave her the face, she took Peanuts paw and waved it at her.

I shook my head, "She gon spit in your food. Keep playing with em like that".

"That chick ain't gon do a damn thing. But anyway, about that transgender shit. I was joking
about that. I'm a woman, Bee. I just know what I want in life right now. And I don't need a
man to come in and take over and try to be my knight and shining armor. I don't need any of
that and I don't want it right now".

"But you do want it eventually?" I asked.

She shrugged, "I guess".

"No, don't guess. You don't want the traditional role as a woman, one day in life?"

"Traditional how? Washing drawls and cooking dinner everynight?"

I laughed, "No. I mean like being a mommy and being a wife one day. Settling down".

"Iono about the settling down, marriage thing. I don't even know if I believe in monogamy.
But I would like to be a mother one day. I do want to have a baby. And even still, I don't need
a man for that. There are banks out there they can shoot sperm up my vagina".

There were people around us outside that were eavesdropping. I just laughed at how bold she
was.

"What? Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina" she said, before pouring ranch dressing
all over her salad.

"Rih they are gonna not let us come back here".

"Well, it ain't all that good anyway" she said crunching on a crouton.

"So did he do anything you liked?"

"He ate my pussy good. He paid for everything" she laughed, "But he kept trying to romance
me and then at the end of the damn trip, offered me some jewelery and on the sly tried to say
I should be his woman".

"What did you say?"

"First off I told him I wasn't accepting no jewelery and that he knew I didn't want to be
anyones woman. I mean, damn guys can be so damn dense and stupid. They can f*ck up a
good thing. He had pussy with no strings attatched and he messed it all up. Most guys would
be happy with f*cking and no other commitments".

"Well, guess what? That just means he ain't like most guys" I smiled.

"Nah. It means I put it on him so good that he tried to wife me. It ain't the first time it's
happened. I have the ability to break a nigga down to his knee and pull out a ring" she
laughed.

"You are so conceited".

"I'm only being honest, booboo. Two niggas have proposed to me. Too many to count have
started off as f*ck buddies and then tried to woo me into being their woman. Men are such
pussies" she said.

We paid for our lunch, and on the way out a guy stopped to try to holla at Rih. He could have
talked to either of us, but he picked her. I wondered what it was about her that had all of these
men vying for her attention. Was it the fact that she gave off the vibe that she didn't want it?
Men want what they can't have? Seemed to be true. Maybe that was how I should have
treated my relationship with Carter.

We continued our date back at her crib. She fed her dog and like normal, started stripping. I
had grown use to it. She liked to be naked. It didn't bother me, but it did amuse me. She
walked out of her bathroom topless with shorts on and we turned on the TV to lifetime. Just
what the doctor ordered, movies about men not being shit.
We ended up watching this movie called Hard Candy. It was about a 14 year old girl meeting
a 30 something old photographer on the internet. He was a pedo, but she switched the script
on him by tying him up and then castrating him. It was a beautiful thing.

"That b*tch is my hero, Bee. I love her" Rihanna said.

I raised my hand to agree as Peanut lay sleeping in my lap.

"Would you ever castrate a guy?" I laughed.

"You don't want me to answer that, Bee".

"Wow, you would?"

"Shit. I think pedos should be castrated instead of given short prison sentences. If it was legal,
I'd go to med school to become a castrateologist" she shrugged.

I shook my head at her and we continued talking about the movie. Eventually, she told me
she really did like her Christmas gift, the blown up and framed photo of her and her mother
when Rih was a child. She seemed to drift off into deep thought when this subject came up.
Like she was reminiscing. Like the photo was a sort of nostalgia.

"You know. I still remember the day that picture was taking. With my mom" she said.

"You do? You seemed young".

"I was. It's funny. I remember more of the things when I was little than I do of recent things".

"What else do you remember?"

She smiled, "I remember summers back in Brazil. Summers with my sisters and friends. It
was a fun time".

"You lived in Brazil?"

"I lived a lot of places. But I was born in Brazil".

"Tell me more about your mom" I said.

I was curious about Rihs life, but I made sure never to press too hard. She was slowly but
surely revealing more and more about her life. But one subject she always seemed to neglect
was her mom.

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything. How she was. Where she came from. Where she is now".

"She's in L.A. now. It's one reason I'm going to New York instead of Cali. I don't want to be
over that way".

"But why, Rih?"

She rolled her eyes, "You really wanna know? You wanna know the real deal about her?"
I nodded my head, "I wanna know why you are the way you are".

We locked eyes for a moment. I knew she had reserves about revealing too much. She held
this part of her close. So close because she didn't want to be hurt. But I wasn't going to hurt
her. And I hoped she could sense that as she looked into my eyes.

"My mom was kidnapped when she was younger. Sold into the sex slave trade. It's actually
something that happens a lot in third world countries. Big commercial market for sex slaves
in Brazil. So all of her teen years she was a prostitute. I mean prostitutes in Vegas got unions
and shit. My mom and a bunch of other girls were living in some apartment backroom. One
bedroom, about 10 other girls. Had sex all day, collected the money, which they didn't get of
course, and that was her teenage years. No prom. No dates. None of that shit. She eventually
got away. Managed to escape. And was out on the streets. So what did she turn to? What she
knew best. Prostitution. It was no shortage of it in a place like Brazil".

"Why didn't she go to the police?"

"She was afraid. Afraid to get caught by the niggas she was running from. Gangsters and
pimps. She decided to just try and live her life. She met up with some other women that
taught her how to hustle. So that's what she did. Met men, scammed them out of money. Shit
like that. That' when she met my dad. Met him at a club or something. He was vacationing
there. And they I guess started a relationship. He didn't know about her past. See, my mom
was a great actress. Could be anything she wanted to be. But anyway, she ended up getting
pregnant with me".

"You said she trapped him, right?"

"Yeah. Once she found out he had money. She also found out he had a girlfriend back home.
This was one of those summer affairs. But I think he really did kind of fall for her. My mom
is beautiful. She really is. I know I get my seduction from her. She had him sprung".

"But he had his girlfriend back home, right?"

"Right. So he supported me from afar when he moved back to the States".

"Your dad doesn't really sound like a bad guy, Rih. I mean, yeah he made mistakes and did
some shitty things. But does that make him a shitty person?"

"Bee. You never lost a baby. And the hurt that comes from it. He is the reason why. He's a
monster. A f*cking monster".

I backed off, especially since I was still mourning the lost of my own baby. I didn't let her
ignorance get to me.

"Ok, Rihanna. I won't even go there. But anyway, what happened when he moved back?"

"My mom got pregnant from other guys. Had twins. Had to resort to f*cking any guy that had
money. I remember it being late and three or four guys would come into the house and into
her room. She thought I was sleeping, but I could hear them. Moaning, calling her names,
then leaving. I was young, but I was aware. I knew what was going on. When I got a lil older,
she started teaching me things. How to steal. How to lie. How to seduce. I learned a lot from
her. I was only 9. But I already knew how to impersonate a 15 year old. "
"Was she teaching you how to be a prostitute?" I asked in disgust.

She shook her head, "No. But she was teaching me how to get a man. I guess she thought if I
met an older guy, he'd marry me and take care of me. But before that happened, she met a
dude. A dude that she fell for quickly. A dude that took her off the street. He was a drug
dealer. But he found my mom to be beautiful. He quickly moved me and my sisters in. And
for once, we were set. No more prostitution for her and no more scrambling for money for
us".

"Well that's good..." I said, thinking the story was complete.

She shook her head, "Not from my perspective".

"What?"

She laughed. A sad laugh. One that suggested her next reveal would be far from funny.

"My moms boyfriend. Guy named Bert. He kinda looked like Bert from Seasame Street. He
would look at me all weird all the time. I always acted older than I was, so he wouldn't
believe me when I said I was 10. He'd say I could pass for 16 cuz of the way I acted. He said I
was flirty. He said a lot of things. He had a lot of friends that would come over. Make me call
them uncle. Uncle Roberto and Uncle Cecil and Uncle blah blah".

"I don't like where this is going, Rih. Did anything happen with them?"

"You're a smart b*tch, Bee. A college gal. Even if it's a FAMU education. What ya think?"

"I don't know. That's why I am asking".

She nodded.

"I lost my virginity to one of my fake uncles. I was drunk. He had me drinking down shots.
Later that night He came in the bathroom when I was bathing. He didn't even say a word. Just
bent me over and f*cked me. I bled. He told me not to tell anyone. I told Bert. Bert went beat
the guys ass. But for some reason, he made me promise not to tell my mom. I did as he told
me to do. I didn't want to mess anything up".

I stroked Peanut as this story continued.

"Like a few months later. Bert was asking me all of these questions. About the guy that had
did what he did to me. Asked me if I liked it. If it felt good. Shit like that. I told him the shit
hurt. He told me it would feel better if I did it more. So he arranged for that to happen. He got
me drunk. He got me high. We'd go in the hot tub. He's kiss me. Make me give him head. We
started having sex. And. I know it was rape. I know now he was manipulating me. But. It did
feel good. I did have orgasms. And I was only 11 or so. This went on behind my moms back.
I kept quiet because I didn't want him to kick us back on the street. If having sex with him
could keep our family together, then I was all for it. And then one day, my mom caught us".

"She blamed you?"

"Girl, she was all discombobulated. She was cursing in spanish and english. Crying. Yelling
at me, hitting him. She said she was going to the police, but it took just one slap from him to
put an end to that. She ended up just asking him could she go and she'd not report it. But she
knew they would keep tabs on her. Threatened that if she made any move toward the police,
all of us would wind up in a gutter. So yeah, we were back on the street. But I could tell she
didn't trust me anymore. Like, she halfway blamed me for it. For being flirtatious. Ror being
seductive".

"But she taught you all of those things" I said.

"Yeah well, no one would ever confuse my mom for a morally consistent person. She ended
up getting in touch with my dad and crying to him, asking could he take me in. I don't know
what arrangement they made. But he agreed. So I moved to the States with a man I had never
met before in my life. I was going through a lot of changes. Emotional and physical. Plus, I
was horny all the time. Bert had started something in me that should have never started".

"Which is why...."

She nodded her head, "Which is why I saw that Italian man and one day tried to f*ck him"
she confessed.

"What did he say?" I asked.

She laughed, "He thought I was crazy. Didn't know what to think. I just came out of the
shower naked and went into his room and tried to kiss him. He was saying he was going to
send me back. But I ain't care. I didn't want to be there anyway".

"Why didn't he send you back?"

"Well, after I tried unsucesfully three times to seduce him, he took me to a mental doctor.
They asked all kinds of stupid questions. Tried to get me to break. They told him I was acting
out because of what went on with my mom. I ended up breaking down one time. I don't
remember why. But I cried and confessed a lot of stuff. Told him about my mom being a
prostitute. He claimed he never knew. Then we made a deal. If I agreed to stop what I was
doing, he'd move my entire family to the States and help her out. And...I stopped trying to
f*ck him".

"Do you know why you were trying to in the first place, Rih?"

"To f*ck him? Well, Bee. First off, I was a child. I had issues".

"You still do" I teased.

She laughed, "Ok. But these were even worst. I was going through some withdrawal from
Bert. And my dad is an attractive man that I felt no connection to. I didn't see him as daddy. I
saw him as some man I was now living with. And every other male in my life had tried to
f*ck me. Guess I didn't see it as any different with him".

I was trying to put pieces together, "Is that why you like to be naked? Did it stem from him?"

She shook her head, "Nah. Growing up, we didn't have an issue with nudity. My sisters and I
would bath in rivers the few times we were homeless. We'd literally get naked, stand by the
river and bathe. We went skinny dipping all the time on the beach".

"Wow. You had a rough childhood".

"I did. But all of my memories of my childhood aren't bad. I remember good times too. I did
have fun in Brazil. I had a lot of friends. We played football, soccer for you Americans. We
played tag and had watergun fights in the summer. We had sleepovers. I do have a lot of good
memories. They are just sandwiched inbetween the bad ones. Especially knowing now in
hindsight that a lot of my friends were involved in the sex trade. It's big business. A lot of
men come to Brazil just to f*ck preteens".

"Why don't you ever talk about your sisters? Aren't you close?"

"Not anymore. They, for lack of a better word, are jealous b*tches. They blamed me for a lot
of things. It's a long story Bee. So much stuff I'm leaving out. But anyway. I'm not stressing
over it. That was my life then. This is my life now".

**

I told my parents I would stop life modeling and do something else. But I didn't want to stop.
I wanted to continue doing it. I liked the way it made me feel. I liked the thrills. I liked the
posing. I liked the heat that ran over my body as they all dissected me with their eyes. They
didn't send me enough money to pay for my bills, and as far as I was concerned, I was still on
my own when it came to providing for myself.

I needed my car fixed so I decided to call Carson again for a private session. He was always
eager to get me into his studio. But when I called him, he told me he wasn't doing drawings at
the time. He was concentrating full time on photography. He did say he needed a model, if I
was still interested.

"I'm not comfortable having pictures taken of me. I don't want that being on the internet or
anything".

"What about implied nudity?" he asked.

"What's that?"

"I can do special shots that don't actually show any nudity. Or your face".

"Would I be naked?"

"In the studio, yes. But the final prints wont show any nudity and again, your face won't be
included in any of the shots".

When he told me a grand for the shoot, I agreed. I got Rihanna to go with me to his studio
and we did the shoot. I was nervous, more nervous than I had been with the drawings. He was
actually taking pictures of me nude. Before each shot, he'd describe what he wanted and what
the final print would look like. He took a lot of pics of my legs or my arm or my hands. He
used all kind of lighting techniques that kept my face in the shadows and kept my actual
nudity implied only. I was naked in his studio, but the pictures always had something
blocking the nudity, like hair, or a shadow, or a prop like an apple.

When the shoot was over, I asked could he take one more shot of me. But one where he
showed my face. I told him I wanted to keep it for myself. He agreed. The picture wouldn't go
in his portfolio. He even said he'd develop it and give it to me for free. I wanted a piece of
this experience to take home. To remember it by. I had a drawing of me from my first time
life modeling and now I wanted a photo of my first nude photoshoot. I wanted to look into
my eyes. I couldn't do that in drawings. Drawings were intereptations of my body. Photos
were frozen moments. I wanted to see myself, at this point in my life, in every emotional
detail. The detail that only my reflection in the photo could reveal.

**

Chris had convince to take me out for a day. An entire day of fun was how he put it. I needed
to get out. School was about to start back and I needed to enjoy a day out before the grueling
grind of the semester started. I still had not faced any of my former friends. I had to prepare
for it. I was going to have to face both Carter and Jarvis in NAACP meetings and with my
mom telling me she was going to cater Kelly's wedding, I knew I'd have to face Kelly soon
too. It was making me nervous. I wasn't looking forward to running into any of these people.

Instead of dwelling on what I wasn't looking forward to I just decided to take Chris up on his
offer. All he told me to do was wear comfortable shoes and pants and a love sleeve shirt.
When I asked what we were doing, all he told me was something different. I found the
mysterious date to be kind of sexy.

I didn't quite know exactly how I felt about Chris. I was so comfortable around him in some
ways, but I didn't like that he had seen me at my absolute worst. I mean, I didn't even tell
Rihanna about the miscarriage, but Chris knew about it. In a way, I felt a bond with him
because of it. A bond that also birthed attraction. I saw him as just a friend, I really wasn't
interested in dating again. After Carter and Tip, I was weary of another broken heart.

But Chris was doing his best to help mend that broken heart. And it was helping. It was
working.
He picked me up in his truck and he was wearing running shoes, a long sleeve shirt, and
pants. I thought that maybe we could have been going paintballing but he rode right past the
only place in the city I knew that did that.

"Chris, where are we going?" I asked.

"You'll see" he smiled.

And it was his smile that carried me for the rest of the ride. He left me on edge, hanging on
by a thread of emotion. This better be good, I thought. We arrived to an open field about half
an hour later. I still didn't know what was going on. This didn't seem like a place to have a
date at. We walked inside a building, the only building next to long open field, and were met
with excited looking men with backpacks on. There were about 10 other people sitting down.

"What is this?" I whispered to Chris.

He grinned.

"Are yall ready?" the man with the backpack smiled.

**

Only a man. Only a man I trusted. Only a man I trusted and deep down had feelings for could
have convinced my ass to even consider this. I was in over my head. Tears ran down my
cheeks. My heart was somewhere other than in my chest and all adrenaline was replaced by
nerves. I held Chris hand, but I was squeezing it like Solange had squeezed my mothers hand
while in labor.

I had done a lot of things the past few years. I had broken character and risen past my own
fear. I had shown courage and bravery and overcome the expectations that other people had
for me. I had proven to myself that I wasn't a coward. But the woman that had allowed people
to see her naked was now attempting to take another step. Not a step out of my clothes, but a
step towards a dangerous liberation. Statistically speaking, we were fine. The probability of
this of anything going wrong was low. But the danger wasn't in dying. The danger was in
actually betraying myself and throwing myself in front of an incoming bus. Putting the bullet
in the gun, spinning the chamber, and pulling the trigger with the gun to my temple. All for
what? All for nothing. I cried, and shivered, trying to figure out in my last remaining seconds
what the point of this was.

"On the count of three" the man I was hooked up to said.

I shook my head.

"You ok?" he asked.

I shook my head. I couldn't even talk. I knew briefly how Camile felt.

"If you don't want to let me know right now" he screamed, the overwhelming sound of the
engine and wind dominating the airwaves.

I looked behind me. Chris was there. He was staring into my eyes. He was concerned.
"You don't have to Beyonce. I already think you are brave" he screamed.

I turned back towards the opening. I didn't want to look out but I did.

"Ok, guys. I don't think she is gonna do it" the instructor said.

"No" I finally spoke up. "I...I want to" I said.

He asked if I was sure and I nodded. I wanted to prove to myself I could do this. I wanted to
prove I could push myself to the brink....for nothing...just because I wanted to.

**

The day had been one of incredibly highs. Literally and figuratively. I had jumped out of a
plane. I had f*cking jumped my scary ass out of an airplane. And I liked it. Sure I cried the
entire way down and kissed the ground when I was safe. But my tears were mixed with
laughter. It was an emotionally transcendent experience. Even more so than the life modeling
was. And Chris had brought it out of me. He did it with his amazingly organic smile and laid
back attitude. His confidence was comforting. His smile made the challenge of an obstacle
easier.

And I loved him for that. I figured there couldn't have been anything else he could have
pulled off to top the emotional high of skydiving. But I was wrong. I would learn to never
underestimate him again. He took me to a poetry club that had open mic. One I didn't even
know existed. Poets and artist went on the stage to perform original pieces. I knew Chris was
going to perform because he had his guitar with him. When it was his turn, I smiled and
anticipated hearing one of his songs that I knew he worked so hard on.

He took the stage, confident and easy going, never breaking character, only being himself. He
took a seat and they dimmed the lights on stage.

"This is a song I wrote...a few weeks ago" he said into the microphone.

There were maybe 50 or so people in the club, but the only person I saw at that moment was
the talented, man that had completely f*cked up my life in a matter of weeks. He had me
feeling emotionally involved again. He knew I had been pregnant but he never once judged
me or asked who the father was. He respected me regardless. He cared for me despite the fact.
His selfless spirit was something special.

I still loved Carter. I was still in love with him. That wouldn't change. But as I looked at the
guy on stage staring down at his strings, I thought of the promise Carter had made to me. The
promise that I would love again.

He started off playing the strings slowly, a beautiful lullaby like melody filling the air. The
spotlight shined on him.

You walk alone in the valley of life

In the shadow of love
Under the trees of happiness
You walk along like a baby unborn
Like a father unknown
Like a pocket penniless

I'm happy that you really care

But do you really know how scary
This is for you and is for me
Oh do you really know
Do you really know

Oh Beyonce, all I can do

Is write a song for you
Beyonce, oh Beyonce

For you I sit alone on the cozy ground floor

On a bench by the garden waiting also
Waiting for love and thinking of all of your catty remarks I also swallow

And as I've often asked before

Does anybody know how scary
This is for you and is for me
Does anybody know, anybody know

Oh Beyonce, all I can do

Is write a song for you
Beyonce

The song Chris wrote brought tears down my cheek. He had written a song about my
miscarriage. The night at the hotel when I woke up to him writing. This was what he had
written. The garden where I met him after my first spotting. The mean things I said to him.
My family not knowing anything was wrong and the fact that he was scared for me. It was all
there. It was all in the song. And only me and him knew it. Only we'd know what the words
meant. He felt helpless when he couldn't do anything to stop me from hurting from my
miscarriage, so he did the one thing he felt he could do. Write a song. And those words stayed
in my head for the rest of the night.

My baby unborn. The father unknown. My catty remarks. The shared fear between two
friends. I cried until I couldn't anymore. The crowd clapped. And Chris and I left. I didn't say
anything on the ride home. I just held his hands and looked out the window. I had so much I
wanted to say, but couldn't verbalize. I was afraid to state what I was feeling. So I held his
hand.

"I hope the song didn't upset you" he said gently.

I looked at him, without a word, and let my eyes answer that for him. When we got back to
my apartment, I gave him a hug. A hug that lasted. A hug that meant the world to me.

"Come inside" I whispered in his ear, not wanting the night for us to end.

I felt I would swear off sex after what had gone done the past month. I felt like my body was
dirty and not worth loving. But Chris had made me feel differently. Chris had helped me to
look in the mirror, and still feel like I was worth being loved. I held his hand and led him
inside.

Chapter 23
Waking up to soft breathing does something to me. Waking to soft eyes and soft
touches and soft pillows. It always feels comforting to wake up with someone you
trust right there with you. It's even better when you both wake up at the same
time, opening your eyes to eyes. Sharing a knowing look as a small smirk
appears.

Chris was shirtless and rubbing my hair before telling me good morning. His
touch, scent, and smile were all doing their usual number on me, and I loved
having those things be the catalyst to kick my senses into gear, this early.

"Morning" I moved with my lips, although no sound escaped.

He kissed my forehead, which felt too good, and then rolled out of the bed. It was
then I was able to actually reboot my brain so I could remember what this scene
meant. He was shirtless, his pants from last night still on, and was searching for
his cell phone. I looked down at myself, I had on an over-sized Tshirt and shorts.

"You mind if I use your bathroom?" he asked.

"Go ahead, first door on the left" I said, still trying to figure out what exactly had
happened.

I wasn't intoxicated, but I was still heavily under the influence of something. I had
a slight hangover from emotional drunkenness. Chris hadn't f*cked me, at least
not physically, but he had d*cked down my heart with how sweet he had been to
me. It was like a fairy tale or something. The man took me on magical dates, had
me jumping out of planes, and could make me smile no matter the day or time.

I had brought him into my apartment last night, and sneaked him into my room
since Michelle was in her room with the door closed. I remember we talked for a
good while on my bed. I remember I had kicked off my shoes and he did the
same and we sat Indian style facing each other, recapping the day. I remember
asking him about the song he wrote and him telling me he couldn't sleep the
night at the motel. He said I was shivering and sweating at the same time. He
said he could see that I was hurting, from the inside, out. He said he could see
that I had been hurting for my entire trip. He could see that I had been running,
from something or someone.

And it hurt him because there wasn't anything he could do to help me, to
properly comfort me. He wrote the song with the hope that even for a brief
second, it could be an oasis for my heart. I remember crying when he told me
this. I remember kissing him. I remember us laying down in my bed. I remember
feeling at peace.

The morning started off peaceful enough, but it was Michelle's scream that
brought things back to reality. Bye, Bye, Fairytale. I jumped out of the bed and
ran outside my door where Michelle was staring directly at me.

Chris was in the bathroom, standing over a toilet with piss on it, looking out in
the hallway at us. I tried to apologize before she even started.

"Shell I'm sorry. Chris spent the night and..."

"Why didn't you tell me he was here? What if I would have come out here
naked?" she said.

She was breathing hard as if she was on the verge of a heart attack. I couldn't
blame her. I would have freaked too if I would have lazily opened the bathroom
door and some shirtless guy was pissing on my toilet. Especially since I usually
slept in the nude.

"I'm sorry Michelle" Chris said, that unintentional pitiful look on his face.

She breathed a sigh and looked over at him before saying "Chris, don't be sorry. I
just wish Bee would have warned me. Sent me a text or something".

She eyed me and I eyed her. I apologized again and when she saw the intensity
of my sorry eyes, she eventually smiled. Chris was cleaning up the toilet,
apparently because Michelle opening the door and screaming had caused him to
spray it everywhere but inside the toilet bowl. When he was done he met me
outside and Michelle went to do her business.

"Chris, you have terrible aim" Michelle laughed before closing the door.

We all laughed and continued the morning. It was the first day of the new
semester and I had a class in an hour. Chris said he didn't have class that day
but would gather his things and leave, but I told him to at least stay for
breakfast. Michelle had just went grocery shopping so we had tons of hot foods.
Chris instead went for a poptart while I poured me a bowl of cheerios. Michelle
came in soon after, and all three of us eyed each other in a mix of grins and
scowls.

It was the most awkward breakfast ever with none of us really knowing what to
say. Leave it to Chris to break the silence.

"My aim is usually a lot better when someone isn't screaming at the top of their
lungs" he smiled at Michelle.

She started howling. I nearly shocked on a dry cheerio that fell down my throat.
"Man I ain't know what was going on. I'm half asleep, I open the door and see
some dude pissing. Lawd Jesus, my heart stopped" Michelle laughed.

"I think I was more scared than you were. As you could see by the bad aim" Chris
smirked.

We all laughed.

"And you, Miss Beyonce. You ain't warn me or nothin'" Michelle sarcastically said.

"I honestly forgot. I wasn't thinking straight. I was half sleep myself".

She looked at me grinning. I could already tell what that look meant. She was
already putting pieces together.

"So.....how was yalls date, last night?" she smiled.

I looked at Chris who had half of the poptart hanging out of his mouth. Michelle
looked at us looking.

"Uhhmm. That's what I thought. I'm telling" she laughed.

"Tell what?"

"That yall was in there hunching" she said.

"Hunching? What's that?" I asked.

She laughed again, "It's Florida slang. Don't worry bout it. But um. At least yall
ain't keep me up all night doing what yall do".

"We just talked" I said.

She laughed, "Talked?!"

"Talked" Chris smiled, the pop tart devoured in a matter of seconds.

"Talked" I echoed.

"Like we talkin, right now?" Michelle said.

"Just like that. Talked" I smiled.

"So you talked his shirt off?" she retorted.

I looked over at him, "Chris, when did you take your shirt off?"

I didn't remember him taking it off when we were laying in bed. He laughed at
both Michelle and I looked at him.

"After you took your panties off" he shrugged.

My eyes widened as did my smirk when he said this. This little bastard. I had
changed panties in the bathroom while he waited in my room, but the way he
painted it up made it sound like we definitely had f*cked. Michelle and Chris were
both laughing. I gave him the eye.

"Michelle, I'm kidding. Beyonce and I did really just talk" he said.

"Talked?" she smirked.

"Talked" I echoed.

"Talked" Chris said one more time.

We laughed and went on for the rest of the morning saying "talked" as a sort of
inside joke.

**

Being on campus again felt surreal. I hadn't seen this place and these faces for
almost a month and I felt like in that time, I had become a brand new person. I
had new insights on life, new experiences, and a new outlook. I had miscarried a
child. I had lost my first love. But instead of being able to move on from that
hurt, going to school meant facing it. My first love and the man that had
impregnated me was on the campus, and it was inevitable that me and him
would come face to face. I had no idea what would happen when we did.

I hadn't even done much thinking about it because the thinking gave me a
headache. I had spent so much time with Chris and let him control the flow of my
thinking that I never prepared myself for running into Carter. I still loved the
man, maybe even more than I did when everything was going fine with us. I kept
replaying his voice mail to me which came moments before the first wave of
blood and tissue left my body. It made me cry and made me happy,
simultaneously. At least he was still thinking of me. At least he still cared.

I was too scared to call him back or even text back. I thought about sending an
email but even then I didn't know what to say. Thank him for calling me? Ask
how was he doing? I didn't know what would work. It felt like we were strangers
all over again, even though I had given him all of my body and mind and spirit.
Strangers that bumped into each other while my head was running in a million
directions. I stood frozen when he spoke. It felt like a dream.

"Hi, Miss Knowles" he said, no different than how he usually said my name on
campus.

"...hey" I managed to get out.

I was nervous and jittery. He seemed to be calm. He smelled good, too damn
good. He was dressed in the same outfit I had helped pick out for him when we
went shopping in Tampa. He was wearing what I picked out. And he looked damn
good in the brown vest and beige pants. My pussy hurt just thinking about him
being in front of me like this and us having to pretend we hadn't painted this
entire campus with my pussy juices and his cum. My pussy, chest, and head hurt
at this point.

"How was your break?" he asked.

"Good" I said, struggling to find anything else to say.

My mind was telling me verbiage on top of verbiage, but I couldn't articulate any
of it. There was a mental block and I knew what did it. It was his scent. Some
cologne he said he bought while in Paris. I remembered it all too well. It was what
he wore in the hotel the night he ate me out for the first time. I remember
smelling it, so thick and intoxicating while he held me. I also remembered
smelling it in my thoughts the day after he broke things off with me. I couldn't
quite taste his lips in my mind, but I could vividly smell him even as I lay curled
in the fetal position.

That was maybe what i remembered most about Carter and why it was so hard
to break free of the thought of him. It's hard to forget distinct smells. Those
smells stay with you. They stick to you. Your brain saves a special place that
stores the energy that the smell created in you. And Carter was a man of
powerful scents and fragrances. His house smelled fresh but manly. When I
showered with him in his bathroom, he had unique smelling soaps. I bathed with
his scent, which was almost a sexual experience because of the way my brain
would forever equate those scents. That smell, meant passion, and lust, and
love, and orgasms.

His scent was overwhelming, not like the scent of the most of the college boys
that wore cheap or sample cologne they got from the mall. It wasn't overbearing
or over applied. It was overwhelming because of the emotions it sent my way
once it entered my nose and to my brain. It was like a drug. Like a drug inhaled
through the nose and then shot in all directions of my body. His smell was a high
in itself, and I was going through withdrawal. And here my addiction was, right in
my face, the smell of my first orgasm dangling in the air.

"You ok?" he asked me, looking concerned.

I avoided eye contact, "Yea".

And suddenly, I got angry. Angry as shit. Angry because I wasn't ok. I lost our
baby just weeks prior. OUR baby. And he didn't even know. Here he was living his
life like normal, with a new family and everything. And I had lost our child.

And then that nasty thought entered my head. That thought I had forced out of
my head a few times already. The thought I refuse to even mention now.

"...Ok, Miss Knowles. See you at the meeting, tonight?" he said, breaking my
brief moment of pure anger.

I took a breath and finally looked in his eyes.

"What meeting?"

He looked taken back, "NAACP? For Camile? The final proposal is tonight".

I had forgotten all about it. ALL about it.

"...Oh, that meeting. Yeah. I will be there" I said.

We shared a look at each other. I wanted him to be able to see through my short
words and into my heart. I wanted him to be able to recognize I wasn't right and
that he was breaking me down like a fraction. I wanted him to notice that I was
missing a piece of myself. I wanted him to notice he was missing a piece of
himself. Notice I was different. Instead, he smiled, and sipped his coffee.

"See you then" he said.

He turned to leave, and I hated him for it.

"Oh" he said turning around. Maybe there was hope yet.

"Nice haircut. Looks nice on you" he said.

I nodded, without a word, and he nodded back before leaving towards his office
building. There were tons of students walking by us. Everyone focused on getting
to their class. The usual excitement of a new semester in the surprisingly cold
Florida air. The air was made a little bit more colder as I walked to my first class.

This was my last semester of Gen Ed, as I would officially be an Education major
once spring was over. I had a foreign language class along with a math class and
two liberal arts classes, one of them again with Professor Pounder. She was one
of the coolest ladies you would ever meet. Super funny, super engaging, and
very knowledgeable. She had a tough exterior and a lot of people didn't like her
because she was very demanding, but those that understood her methods, loved
her. Her discussions rivaled Carters. The richness in the dialog and debate made
attending every class fun.

I was taking her Social Evolution course, and just like on the first day of the last
class of hers I had taken, she taught it in a study hall, with about 50 or so
students. Most of them were female, a few of them I knew, but no one I was
really close to or anything. I decided to sit in the middle, my mind still on Carter.

Pounder waited till we were all seated, and had someone pass out a syllabus. At
the very top, right below the title of the course and her email address was a
bolded rule. The number one rule for her class.

DO NOT MISS CLASS. WE ONLY MEET ONCE A WEEK. BE HERE.

She went over this rule several times when she started her lecture. A few kids
made comments under their breath, talking about how they were going to
intentionally break this rule.

"This is a great class. Every year it produces great dialog. Great conversation.
Great insight. And great people. But I have only one rule and one rule only. Come
to class. This is my garden of eden, and I am sure some of you will want to test
this rule" she said before laughing to herself.

"So does that make you God?" someone blurted out, which brought about a few
chuckles.

Her smile dropped and she stared at the student as if she was insulted.
"You goddamn right" she said.

I don't think any of us was quite prepared for that, but it was sure funny as hell in
the way she said it. We started laughing and after a few seconds of her keeping
that hard facial expression, she let her guards down and laughed right along with
us.

"I'm actually an atheist. Grew up Catholic. I'm also a mother, though I am a

lesbian. I'm also a just-say-no-activist though I use to be a hippie, if you catch my
drift" she smiled.

A few more people laughed.

"The point of that is to show that people. Individual people change. You aren't
the same now as you were when you were in middle school. And you aren't the
same when you were in middle school as you were in Pre School. Hell, even pre-
schoolers and babies are night and day different. Growth is the defining
characteristic of life. And that is what this class is about and that it's why it's
important for you to come to every single class. Every class I will have a unique
exercise that you have to be here for to get. Miss the class and you aren't
growing. Anything short of death or giving birth to a baby is not a good reason to
miss this class. So, yes, in this classroom, I am God. The sovereign figure in
charge. And I am telling you, again. Don't miss my class" she said.

Someone raised their hand.

"What if we are sick and bring a doctors note?"

"I don't want no doctors note. I want your butt sitting in that chair when we have
class" she said.

This didn't seem to appease anyone. So she smiled to herself.

"Ok. How about this. We only have 15 weeks in this course. That is 14 after
today. And 13 after spring break. Only 13 classes. In the back of the syllabus,
you will see that I only have us meeting 8 Mondays. The other weeks I have
exercises for you to do online. So that leaves only 8 classes for you. 8. All 8 will
be group discussions and evaluations. Can you be here, 8 out of 15 weeks?" she
asked.

The majority of the people that responded said yea, but there were a few still
mouthing off over the rule. I didn't have an issue with it either way. I liked her
classes and I was sure I would enjoy this class too. I was ready to grow. She
ended up explaining what we would be doing this semester. Creating a profile of
ourselves which included everything from religious status to sexual orientation. It
was pretty invasive, but she said for us to be honest with ourselves if we wanted
to get anything out of the course.

I decided I'd sit down and fill out my profile later. We were also going to study
the collective profile of America throughout the years, but focus on the last
century. With Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton running for the Democratic
domination, the relevance in the course material shot up tremendously. In just a
generation, we were on the verge of a tangible social shift. The class wanted to
mark both social and individual growth.

I managed to break free of the thoughts of Carter as the class went on, which
truly was a testament to how much I enjoyed the material, but when I left to go
get exercise for a little bit, I couldn't help returning to the prior state of despair. I
had to present my final proposal to the NAACP committee and the vote would
determine if we would present it to the student body and staff.

I had forgot that Carter told me he would help put up funds and that Jarvis was
suppose to be researching what exactly we'd have to do to properly manage the
foundation. He had called me numerous times during the break and left
messages, but I had deleted all of them before I even listened. I was so disgusted
at what happened that I didn't even want to hear his voice. He had been f*cking
the guy I had been feeling since I came to this school.

I wondered who was the top and who was the bottom. Who did the f*cking and
who got f*cked. I just couldn't picture Tip being a faggot. But I caught him red
handed. I caught my best male friend and the man I decided to sleep with, doing
their thing behind my back. There was no coming back from that. And there
wasn't any forgiveness in my heart for either of them.

I worked up at the gym, running the treadmill to help relieve stress and keep my
body in shape. I hadn't worked out in almost a month and I could see my belly
returning. Or maybe it was the fact that I had been pregnant. I didn't know. But
that nasty thought returned to my head. I shook my head and went for my ipod,
turning it to hardcore metal music so cleanse it out. I didn't want to think about
that. I couldn't handle that truth.

I ran and eventually my thoughts settled back on Jarvis. I was going to have to
suck it up and call him. I needed to know exactly what he had researched and
see how it could help me with my proposal. I refused to go in front of them and
half ass a proposal, embarrassing myself and shaming Camile. I had to have a
plan together by this evening.
After an hour workout, I went home for a shower, and called Chris just so I could
hear a soft voice. He was my refuge at this point in my life. That constant and
consistent positive energy. I loved him for his energy.

"Hey" I said while biting into an apple.

"Hey" he said, "The hell are you eating?"

"Guess" I smirked, still chewing on the first bite.

"Fried chicken?" he said.

I laughed.

"You think all black people like chicken, or somethin'?"

"I think all people like chicken. I could go for some KFC right now" he replied.

"Eww. KFC is nasty. Too greasy. I like Popeyes, though" I said.

"What is Popeyes?"

I took another bite of the apple, "You don't know what Popeyes is, Christopher?"

"I thought for sure he was a cartoon character".

I shook my head, "Nevermind. Ima just have to take your ass there to get some
one of these days. Keep guessing".

"Keep eating. But crunch louder into the phone" he said.

I giggled and took another bite, making sure to chew it obnoxiously loud into the
phone mouthpiece.

"Popcorn?"

"Chris, why would I be eating popcorn for brunch?"

"Uncooked Ramen noodles?" he asked.

I laughed loud, "Ugh. You mean out of the pack? Where they do that, at?"

"FAMU, apparently. I saw someone walking around campus eating one like it was
a candy bar".

I laughed, "KEEP GUESSING".

"Pop rocks and coke?" he said.

I could tell he was intentionally getting it wrong now.

"Dude, you suck at guessing" I smiled.

"I bet you are eating a green apple" he responded.

I looked down at the green apple I was eating. I don't know why I looked down,
as if I needed to validate. I laughed at myself.

"How'd you know?"

"You had some green apples on the table this morning".

"Then that doesn't count as a guess. You still suck. Ha!"

"Ahhh" he laughed, "So it's like that?"

"Yep. What are you doing anyway?" I asked.

"I was writing".

"For class?" I sarcastically said, knowing it wasn't.

He chuckled, "Now who is the sucky guesser?"

"I hope you're writing a song about me" I said, flirtatiously.

"If I did, it would be called stinky apples".

My mouth dropped and an ugly laughed escaped.

"And why is that?"

"I told you already. You know how some people sleeptalk? Or eat in their sleep?
Or crazy things like that. Well, you fart in your sleep. All night. It's hilarious" he
said.

I could have been embarrassed, but I wasn't. And that made me smile. Made me
happy too. I wasn't easily embarrassed by him. I probably would have died if
Carter had told me the same exact thing. Instead, I laughed. I was always very
conscious of making sure not to even burp in his presence. I had burped the
alphabet with Chris. And then, a terrible thought entered my head. What if Carter
had heard my apparent sleeping gas when I was sleeping with him? Oh man.
Damn.

"You ok?" he asked.

"Do it stank? When I do it?" I asked.

He chuckled, "Did you hear when I said, stinky apples?"

"Is it loud? Like, what they sound like?"

He laughed, "Like farts".

"No. I mean. Like there are different kinds. Are they like, squeaky" I said before
making a squeaky fart sound, "Or like, rough, like this" I said before making a
rough fart noise.

He laughed hard.
"It's like a mix. Short farts. Long farts. Bubbly ones too. It's like an orchastra
going on in the bed. Trumpets and drums , and bells, and saxaphone solos. You
have amazing talent".

I couldn't help but giggle at this.

"Did you say, bells, Chris?"

He tried to keep a straight tone, but even he had to burst out laughing at his
description. It was infetious. We both were laughing hysterically. He was still
laughing when I tried to bring it back down. It was funny, but the thought that
Carter had seen what Chris had seen wasn't very amusing to me.

"You are exaggerating, ain't you? Tryna make me feel bad" I said.

"I am a musician, Beyonce. And I am envious of you" he laughed.

"Is that the real reason you got up and wrote the song?" I asked.

He laughed, "It contributed. Hard to sleep when every five minutes, there is a full
orchestra in the room".

"Every five minutes? You serious? I don't do it that much" I argued.

He laughed.

"For real, Chris? That is bad if it's true. That's unladylike. Are you for real,
though? I do it all night?" I asked, trying to picture Carter's expression if I was
laying in bed with him, sleep, yet making music, which is what Chris and I were
starting to call it.

"The suspense is killing me. I hope it will last" Chris said, an obvious Wonka
quote.

"Grr. You've seen way too much of me" I said jokingly.

He took it as more than a joke.

"Is that a bad thing?" he said, no trace of laughter.

"No. Not a bad thing. Just kind of weird. No guy has ever seen that side of me".

"I feel privileged. To see Beyonce fart" he said.

"No. Not that. I mean. That, yeah. But just everything.....everything that you
have seen" I said.

There was a small pause. Just that tiny bit of empty dead air on the line where
you briefly regret something you've said and wonder what the conversation will
turn into.

"I understand you, Beyonce. I understand what you are saying".

"Thank you...for understanding".

There was another small pause. This one more comforting than the last. The bit
of empty dead air on the line where you both feel at ease with something that
had been said.

"Well, Chris. I just wanted to hear your voice. And talk with you. I will let you get
back to your writing".

"Talk?" he said.

I giggled to myself. I knew what he was referencing.

"Yep. Talk. I love talking to you".

"Yes. We have good talks" he responded.

"Good? Great talks".

"Super Duper, amazing talks" he said quickly.

"Hot, spicy, passionate, talks" I added.

"Rough, aggressive, ass smacking, talks" he countered.

"Tasty, sweet, finger licking talks".

"Drop of milk in hot cocoa, burn your tongue, but still delicious, talks" he said,
putting the nail in the coffin.

I laughed, "Bye, Christopher".

"Bye stinky apples".

We hung up and I felt good. He had that effect on me. But I did resent him giving
me a nickname based on my nightly gas. What was with dudes picking
unflattering things and nicknaming me after them? First 16, and now stinky
apples? Men and their terrible nicknames for women.

**

I avoided eye contact as I made my way into the conference room for our board
meeting. Well, I avoided contact with the two people that mattered. Both Carter
and Jarvis were people I couldn't look in the eye at this point, even if it was for
vastly different reasons. A few hours prior, I had talked with Jarvis on the phone.
It was a miserable 4 minute and 23 second talk in which he told me what his
research produced and tried to apologize. I told him to keep it strictly
professional and focus on the meeting.

I had to admit, when I gave him the cold shoulder like that I felt kind of bad. It
really did sound as if he was sorry for what had happened. And I had never
known Jarvis to be someone that could stay humble for five minutes, let alone
several weeks, but ever since the incident he had been calling me and trying to
get things right.

That was partially what made it difficult to look at him as I stepped inside. I wish I
had it like Rihanna where I could be a cold b*tch that wasn't swayed emotion.
But at my core I was a big baby, and it was hard for me to hold grudges or not
feel sorry for people. It was my weakness. Compassion. Having a heart. All of
that shit I hoped to shed with my new haircut and a new outlook. People could
hurt you, especially the ones you considered friends or lovers.

I didn't want to give those people the power over me anymore. The power to
make me cry or make me not eat or make me wonder why I am not good
enough. I refused to go back to that place.

"Hey, Bee" Jarvis said when I had sat down and was pulling out my folder.

I smiled and finally made eye contact with him, for the first time since I found
out. I really got angry when I saw him and heard his voice, but I held it together.
This was for Camile and girls like her. I couldn't let my pride get in the way of
this. I was 10 minutes early and when I got there only Jarvis, Nicki, and two
others were there. The rest came in late, as usual, acting like it was a chore to be
here instead of a privilege.

We got right down to business, although without Carter who would be coming in
later. Jarvis and I presented the idea, the nuts and bolts of keeping it going, and
why it would be good for not only the girls it would be helping, but also the
school. Not only were the students impressed, but the select faculty in
attendance were as well. And for a split second, Jarvis and I were a team, passing
the floor back and forth to each other as he explained the part he had
researched and I explained my overall vision.

"I even believe in a few years or so, we could also set up a scholarship for the
same girls that are being tutored now" I said.

"What are the funds coming from?" Nicki asked.

I felt kind of nervous because Carter still wasn't there yet, and I wanted him to be
able to confirm everything to them that I was saying.

"Professor Carter said he would start it off" I said.

They all eyed each other at this statement but no one scoffed at the idea. They
all seemed to love it, and with a unanimous vote, they decided to go through
with it. It would be top priority at our next meeting for the student body.

"That was really a good idea" Nicki said out loud, to anyone that listened.

For some reason, I blushed when she said this. As much as I hated the check, I
did know she was smart as hell and focused when it came to academics and
clubs. Her opinion really did mean a lot, although I wouldn't ever tell her that. For
once, she seemed like an alright chick.

On Thursday, we had a meeting open to everyone and presented the idea. My

public speaking course had really improved the way I spoke in front of people.
But the thing that helped me the most wasn't that. It was my life modeling job.
Getting naked in front of people every week had desensitized me to a lot of those
butterflies. I still got nervous, I was still shy. But I wasn't the same shy 16 year
old that was afraid to even raise my hand in a class. I felt confidence in front of
people now.
Although I really did think the Camile Project was worth pursuing, I would have
never guessed it would have been as widely liked as it was. A week after the
presentation, the group home manager, me, Carter and Jarvis all sat down and
discussed the foundation. Carter paid for a professional to build the website and
opened an account. I talked to Camile over the phone, and she seemed excited
about the idea.

Unexpectedly, the President of FAMU, Mr. Ammons called me into his office and
essentially kissed my ass, saying me and Jarvis had a great idea on our hand.

"You two are doing a great job with NAACP. Better than in previous years, that's
for sure" he said.

I smiled, "Thank you".

I always felt embarrassed when I was getting a lot of praise. I never knew what to
say. He went on to talk about how I was doing in my classes and what I would be
majoring in. He was the new President of FAM, so this would be a big project on
his watch. He wanted to know the people in charge of it, personally.

It was my idea, but Jarvis was president of NAACP, so he got a ton of the credit.
And with him running for Government, it would definitely help him in the long
run. I wanted to be kind of salty that he was getting kudos for it, but I couldn't
dwell on that. After all, this was for Camile. It didn't matter who came up with the
idea.

The school paper ended up doing an article on it and they originally only
interviewed Jarvis and the assistant President for quotes.

"I think the southeast is filled tragic stories of underprivileged teens. We feel as
an organization it's our duty to do what we can to help" Jarvis said in the paper.

It was going to print without any mention of me, and I was the one who came up
with it. But Carter came to the rescue on that one. He had early access to the
papers and he demanded, behind closed doors, that they interview me and
include my quotes. The paper was to be printed the next morning, so the person
who wrote the paper, a friend of Michelle, called me at 12 a.m from the school to
get some quotes from me.

"So when did the idea for this come about?" the sleepy student asked.

"Right before Christmas. She called me and I obviously as you know she can't
talk, so I had to try and figure out what was going on with her. I just thought it
was a shame that after all this time, she is still struggling with reading and
writing. I think all of the girls in the group homes I visited should get better
education than that".

He sounded bored by it all but he kept asking questions he had obviously written
down. When he was done he asked for my major.

"I will be an Education major come the summer" I said.

"Ok. Well, thanks Beyonce. And sorry about calling so late" he said.

"No problem. Thanks for including me".

I hung up, feeling more excited than I should have been late at night. Excited and
thankful. No one had looked out for me on this, except the man I was still deeply
in love with. Carter basically had them reprint thousands of papers, and work late
into the night, so that the story would rightfully include me. It felt good to know
that through all of this, that man still had my best interest at heart.

He was still uncomfortably charming and attentive to me, which only made trying
to move on worse. In the back of my head, I was constantly having flashbacks
and remembering our moments together. I wondered was it possible for him to
continue on without having those same flashbacks. I wanted to ask him, I really
did. But I didn't want to make a fool of myself yet again. I felt like I would rather
act like I didn't care and not be hurt than to openly wear my heart on my sleeve
for him to only push me away and remind me that I'm an immature little girl.

I got an email from him to stop by his office and get a pair of shoes I had left
over his house. When I did come, the butterflies were had me biting all of my
poor nails. But i had to compose myself. I had to prove I could be mature and
move on.

His door was halfway open and he was talking with a student when I peaked in.
The student, seemingly upset about her grade, turned around and looked at me.

"I'll be right with you, Miss Knowles" Carter said.

"Oh. Sorry" I said before stepping back out and sitting in a chair by the door.

I could still hear everything that was going on inside.

"I thought I followed all of the directions" the girl said.

"I told you to answer a specific question. You wrote 5,000 words, but didn't
answer my question. Not once. I can't give you a passing grade when you didn't
answer. Regardless of how well it was written".

I smiled to myself. This sounded like me, my freshman year with him.

"There are still 2 more papers. Do well on them and you will be fine" he said.

She had an attitude, I could tell because I heard her snatch a paper from him and
walk out of the door mumbling to herself. I wanted to tell her I knew the feeling.
Frustrating as hell. I put my purse around my shoulder and made my way into his
office, where he was grinning.

"Freshman" he said with an abrasive laugh.

"What's wrong with freshman?" I asked.

"They know everything. But don't know anything" he said, "And they talk but
never listen".

I rolled my eyes, "All freshman?"

He nodded his head, "All freshman".

"Well what about sophomores?" I asked.

He smiled, "Sophomores are a little better. They survived that first culture shock.
But they still think everyone is out to get them".

"And why would a man that feels that way, only teach freshman and
sophomores?" I asked.

"I enjoy humbling them".

"Is that what you did to me?" I asked.

His face changed. I could tell he was joking, but took my question as more than
that. We had a stare off for a few moments, and then he reached down between
his desk and pulled out a brown paper bag. I assumed it contained the heels he
had bought me and I left over there. He handed me the bag. I took it, but my feet
stayed glued to the floor. Was I just suppose to leave? I felt a knot in my throat
because when I walked closer to get the bag, I was able to smell his scent. It
drove me wild. He smelled so good. He smelled like my first orgasm.

"You're doing a good thing, Miss Knowles. With Camile. I want you to know. I am
proud of you".

I didn't say anything. Sounding about him calling me Miss Knowles, in private,
pissed me off. I could see him doing it in public. But why behind closed doors?
Did he think acting like we were only teacher and student change the fact that
we were forever more than that?

"What's in the bag" I asked.

He knew. I knew. He knew that I knew. But I wasn't going to let him off like that. I
would act the hell out. Dumb and oblivious. Since he wanted to play that game of
our past didn't happen. I wouldn't let him give me this damn bag unless he
acknowledged where it came from and what it represented.

"What do you mean?" he asked, eye raised.

"This big you just gave me, Mr. Carter. What is it? Why are you giving it to me?"

"It's yours" he answered, looking hard at me.

"It is? What is it? What's in the box?" I smiled.

He knew what was going on. He caught on easy. But I could tell he didn't like it. I
could tell he wanted this process to be as painless as possible. Give me back all
of my stuff on the sly, like we were never lovers. Like I never sucked his dick in
the hair he sat in. Like he never ate my pussy on that desk. Like we never loved
each other.

He stood up and I stood my ground. He walked from around his desk slowly,
taking his time and still keeping his eye on me. The closer he got, the stronger
his scent became, and the weaker my knees became. He walked past me and
looked outside of his office before closing the door all the way. We were now, all
alone.
We faced each other and I swallowed hard. I wanted this man. I could see in his
eyes that he still wanted me. A few months ago, in this same situation, our hands
would have been all over each other. But now, I fought against my instincts and
focused all of my will power to keep my hands lifeless at my side.

"Beyonce, can't you see this is hard for me too?" he asked, breaking the silence.

I didn't say anything.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked.

"Follow your heart" I responded.

"I made my decision, Bee".

"Did you follow your heart?"

"I did the right thing. The ethical choice. The one you would make if you were in
my shoes. The only one I could make and live with".

"Oh please, Shawn. What is right about it?"

"Rosario is sick, Beyonce. She is dying. Every day. She is dying. DYING. My child
is watching her mother deteriorate before her eyes. My daughter is losing her
best friend. The pain they are experiencing right now, is more important to me,
than the hurt I am feeling by not having you. As it should be, Beyonce. I love you.
You know that. But, I made the right choice. Accept it".

His voice cracked as he spoke. I could see the veins popping out of his neck. I
saw the beads of sweat on his forehead as well as the lines of stress on his
cheeks. I hadn't noticed it before but I saw Shawn clearly at that moment. He
was hurting. He looked burnt out. Like he had aged 10 years in a month. Behind
the cologne and the nice clothes and the smile, was a man hurting.

"I love you" I said, unable to control my emotions. They always got the best of
me. They always would.

There was a knock on the door, and we both jumped. I wiped my red eyes, when
I noticed tears were there and he coughed before heading before telling them to
come in. I turned and it was another student. The student looked at me, drying
my eyes which were obviously filled with tears. He seemed taken back by it.

"Just, write the next paper like I told you and you'll be fine, Miss Knowles. Just
remember what I said. Make the right choice" Carter said.

I turned to him. It was time to say goodbye, yet again. So much for being able to
keep it together and pretend I didn't care.

"Thanks....Mr. Carter" I said before walking past the student. I walked right into
the girls restroom and cried in the stall.

**
I loved Chris's messy bedroom. It had a charm to it that made me feel so
comfortable. His bed was never made, he had his guitar on the side and shoes
sprawled across the carpet and a bean bag chair with books by it. It was
organized confusion that fit him perfectly. His room smelt good, but not in a sexy
sort of way. Just fresh. The Willy Wonka posters on the wall only completed the
room.

The first time I came over, I sat on the bean bag as we watched TV and talked.
By the forth visit, when I came over, I'd kick off my shoes and make my way to
his bed as if it was mine. His room had that effect. Or maybe it was his
personality that extended to the bedrooms allure.

I found myself comparing being in Chris apartment to being in Carters home.

There were so many differences, but both of them made me feel good in a way.
Carters place was so clean and neat, spotless even. When I slid in his bed, on his
silk sheets, I felt like royalty. Like a sexy mature woman experiencing the best in
life. It made me want to have sex. It made me want to be naked underneath that
heavy blanket. But on the flipside, it made me self conscious of not messing
anything up.

I made sure to not make a mess when over his house because I didn't want to be
corrected like a child. Carters place was nice and eloquent, but it was sometimes
intimidating. I felt like if I dropped a crumb on the floor, he would trip. I would
always fold my clothes and put my belongings neatly in a pile by the bed. I was
ever so conscious of keeping everything in their right place. So while I felt
comfortable, I also felt on edge. Like I had to maintain.

It was different at Chris's place. His place wasn't dirty by any means, but it
wasn't neat and tidy either. Pillows on his sofa didn't look strategically placed.
Picture frames weren't perfectly straight. His closet wasn't organized by color. It
was a simple place. Simple colors and simple decorations and simple style. But it
was the simplicity that gave me a complex set of emotions everytime I visited. I
would have no issue jumping in Chris bed when I needed to have some fun,
something I would never do on that expensive bed Carter had.

And Chris and I did just that one day when I visited. He had a small basketball
hoop that stuck to the wall we ended up playing a game on the bed, using it's
spring as a trampoline. We used his rolled up socks as a ball. After I dunked on
him to win the game, we collapsed on the bed, laughing uncontrollably. I was
starving. We ended up ordering pizza and eating in bed and watching a
marathon of Family Guy.

This was how we spent our days together. It was a different sort of date. Instead
of going out at a fancy restaurant, coming back and listening to jazz or having a
deep convo like I would do with Carter before f*cking him with all my being, I
would come to Chris house and he'd make hamburger helper and we'd eat in his
bed and watch whatever was on TV. It was simple. But I loved every minute of it.
I loved feeling so comfortable with him.

One Thursday morning, a day neither of us had school, I came to his crib to chill
before I had to leave for work. I brought him some breakfast some Mcdonalds
and we ate hotcakes, and hash browns, and biscuits, everything drowned with
syrup. He was shirtless, like he often was in the morning, while I was fully
dressed in pants and a sweater. It was a bit cold when I woke up that morning.

There wasn't much on TV so after eating we cut it off, I dropped my sweater, and
and we both laid in his bed. He told me he was doing better this semester and
that his dad was threatening to cut him off in the way my parents had did if he
didn't improve his grades.

"It's good that he is being hard on you. No excuse for you to be slacking like
that" I said.

"I hear you. But my music is still my priority, Beyonce. It's my dream. You have
to follow your heart, right?"

"Yeah. Follow your heart, Chris. But still have a backup plan" I said.

"What's your backup plan?" he asked.

"Work with my mom. She has her own restaurant".

He laughed, "Really? That's my backup plan too".

"To own a restaurant?"

"No. To work with my parent. I figured if my music didn't work out. I'd enlist in
the military".
I laughed, "Your scrawny ass. You wouldn't last".

"And what makes you think you would last in the kitchen? Didn't your family say
you almost burned down the house?" he smirked.

It was on. I pushed him. He pushed me back. And we started play fighting in his
bed. I won, like I always did, when I got the upper hand by pinning him. I was on
top of him holding his wrist against the bed, my legs straddling both sides of his
waist. And when we stopped laughing, we both felt the tingle.

We breathed hard and heavy. And then, I felt it. His erection touched against my
inner thigh. I looked down at it and then back at him. I wanted sex. The same
way I wanted sex when I was at Tip's apartment after our date. I looked down at
my friend and wondered could I use him as a means to have an orgasm.

"People....people think we are having sex" Chris said, our eyes keyed in.

"Maybe we should" I responded, again peaking at his dick pressed against his
pajama pants.

He grabbed my ass and I bent over and we started kissing. I kissed him
aggressively, kissing his face, so rough and prickly from not shaving, and then
his lips. I kissed his chin and his cheeks and his nose while he started lifting up
my shirt. I stopped kissing him long enough for the short to get it over my head. I
went back to kissing him as he went for my black bra strap. After struggling with
it for a few seconds, he managed to unsnap it. I rolled over in bed and covered
my breast as the bra came off.

He didn't give me a chance to recover from the shock of what was about to
happen, as he started kissing my neck. I closed my eyes and rubbed his hair.
Finally, I was about to get what my body had needed for so long. Touch.
Affection. Sex.

He got on top of me and kissed me softly. Hips lips felt wonderful. His tongue felt
even better. I wanted him bad. I had been so frustrated, sexually and
emotionally, but Chris was always the one that would help relieve it. He would do
it in subtle ways. By making me laugh or making me forget about my issues for a
second. But now, he was going to do it by f*cking me. Or he would have, if that
nasty thought didn't enter my head.

Everytime it did, I felt nauseous. I felt like a horrible person. Dirty and unable to
be loved. I felt guilty and ashamed. And I started to cry as Chris unzipped my
pants. When he came back and saw I had tears, he stopped frozen.

"What's wrong?"

I couldn't talk. I felt hot and short of breath. I was sweating hard. I felt like I was
going to pass out. I couldn't even speak, I just kept stuttering.

"I...I" I couldn't breath enough to get it out.

He stood up, unable to understand what was going on with me.

"I will be right back" he said before running out of the room.
I grabbed my top and clung it to my chest, although I still didn't know what was
going on. Was I having a nervous breakdown? A heart attack? What was wrong
with me? Chris returned with some water and a wet rag and he wiped my head
and put the glass up to my lips and helped me drink. I felt like a child. I looked up
at him like he was a doctor. I was once again so humiliated. My body. What was
wrong with my body? My body was betraying me again. AGAIN. It wouldn't even
let me have sex.

"Breathe. Stop holding your breath, Beyonce" he said.

I gasped for air like someone who had been submerged in water did when they
finally came up for a hit of air. I was shaking and I felt as naked as I have ever
felt in my life. More naked than I was in front of those students. He was rubbing
my back and telling me to keep breathing. I did like he told me to. He coached
me through breathing like a dad did with teaching his son how to ride a bike on
training wheels. Eventually, the room stopped spinning and I felt some
semblance of normalcy. My head was still spinning though, because I didn't
understand what had happened to me and why it happened.

It was like I couldn't do anything right. It was like my body was incapable of
functioning like a normal persons body did. How was it possible, that I freaked
the f*ck out when I attempted to have sex?

"What's wrong with me" I said to myself out loud.

"You had a panic attack, I think" Chris said, looking at me hard.

"A what?"

"My sister had them. I think that's what happened to you. The same look in your
face is what I would see in hers. But I think you should call your doctor, just in
case" he said.

I shook my head. I didn't want to go to a doctor.

"Beyonce. You really need to see a doctor. After the miscarriage-"

"Chris. No" I said, "I...just need to rest for a little bit".

He looked angry at me. A look I wasn't use to. Not from him, anyway.

"Please....I just...need to rest. I will be ok".

"Beyonce, I am concerned about your health. Even if you don't go today, can you
promise me you will go see a doctor?"

I nodded my head. I didn't know if I actually would. But I just said yes so he could
be appeased. I laid down and somehow, I drifted off to sleep. I ended up having a
nightmare. But the nightmare was reality. In my dream, I was happy that I had a
miscarriage. Happy that my body found a way to do what my mind wouldn't let
me do. It was the nasty thought that I kept forcing myself to not think about. The
fact that I was happy that I lost my baby. That I could blame it on my body and
not my heart. That I wouldn't have to live with that responsibility or confront
Carter or be seen as a failure.
In my dream, I saw two Beyonces. One with long pretty hair, the other with short
hair. The one with long hair was pregnant. A huge belly bump. She was crying
too. The other me was smiling. Pushing the pregnant Beyonce down. When she
fell on the ground, clouds circled and the rain poured. She had killed the other
me.

I woke up in a sweat. Chris was right there trying to calm me down. I had to get
out of there. I had to get the hell out of there. I had successfully managed to
avoid the thought that I was relieved to have miscarried, but something at Chris
place had triggered it in a way that had me panicking and unable to run from my
biggest fear.

"Where are you going?" he asked me.

"To work" I blurted, grabbing my purse and shoes.

I left his place with him trailing behind. I was sure he would forever think I was a
crazy, unstable, chick. And the sad part of it was that he'd be right in thinking it.

**

In the two weeks after my breakdown I had visited a doctor, who confirmed that
he did believe I had a panic attack. He said I was under heavy stress and said
there was medicine I could take for it if it continued. But I wasn't interested in
any drugs. I simply hated that my body was always going through things that I
had no control over. They found no other noticeable medical issues with me.

Chris went to the doctor with me and met me outside of the door. He went with
me because he knew I wouldn't go unless I was forced to. I wanted to be
annoyed at him for steadily reminding me to take care of myself, but I couldn't.
He cared about me. He really cared. I couldn't hate him for caring. It was
valentines day and I had to go to work so after my doctors visit we said our
goodbyes and I left for the life drawing class.

He had sang me a song. Not as emotionally moving as the other song. This one
was about stinky apples. That was the name of it. It made me laugh hard. He
could be so goofy. But he had me smiling as I drove out of the city to my spot.
The spot I had kept from everyone but Chris. He was the only one, aside from
Rihanna and my parents, that I was doing this. It had happened so fast. I had
become a pro at it. Dropping my clothes and posing had become second nature.

I found a certain release in it. To disrobe before anxious eyes and control the flow
of an entire class. Finding ways to position my body and finding the inner
strength to allow them to see me as free and naked as I could be. Every time I
felt weak, like I had nothing else to give. I'd go to that class, and draw from inner
strength that I could only find at that humble place. I loved doing it. And I wasn't
going to stop because it made me feel strong. It made me feel beautiful. It made
me feel alive.

On this day, I was smiling more than usual as I posed. This was a new class for
me; motion drawing and it was only the third time I had posed for them. There
were 6 different nude drawing classes going on between three locations in two
cities, four of them by the academy and two of them on a college campus. I
became a pretty connected model. They liked that I was consistent, in good
shape, and had curves, which was more interesting to draw. I was also on call on
most days because this was a high turnover position. Some strippers only came
by when they needed a buck. Some people only did it because of a life long
fantasy but only would do it once. And some booked but never showed up at all.
So I was a backup model that they knew they could count on. I booked classes all
over. Each class was different, but the same basic principles applied for each.

Disrobe, do a series of warm up poses, 30 seconds. Move on to minute long

poses, then five. Then take a break and move on to the longer poses. Most of the
poses I learned just by looking at art and copying them. But some of them I
created on the spot. Some poses I felt inspired to do. Unless there was
something specific the instructor wanted me to do, the floor was mine. The three
hour class, would flow at the pace of my body. A body that I ironically hated
except for when it was on display for the artist. They saw my nakedness as art.
Something special and worth exploring for hours. Every detail interpreted by
their imagination. That was the only time I really felt comfortable in my own skin.
Being naked, for them.

"You seem especially smiley today, Beyonce. Got a special valentine?" one of the
ladies asked me as I posed.

I held pose and smiled. When I first started doing it, I couldn't talk while posing
because I had to focus so much on not moving. But over the months I had
learned how to talk a little while keeping a pose steady. Some classes were
talkative and some were quiet. It depended on the artist, mostly. But since I was
the model, I usually had ultimate control of the class setting. Today, I felt like
talking and I also had soft music playing in the background.

"I do" I smiled as I lay on my back, my legs tucked beneath me; my toes against
my lower back.
One guy had a clear view of my crotch and I was definitely going to check out his
drawing when we had a break.

"Tell us about this valentine" another lady said. She was in her 40's and was a
mother of 3. I liked her. She was pretty lousy at drawing, but she had a great
sense of humor and a warm smile.

"Well...he's someone at my school. Really sweet. My best male friend, actually.

He sang me a song today".

"A song? That IS sweet. I wish someone would sing me a song" the 40 year old
lady said, obviously talking about her husband who was a row behind her.

A few people laughed.

"What was the name of the song?"

I blushed. I couldn't tell these people what that boy had wrote about me. They
picked up on it. I was pale in the winter so my flushed cheeks were clearly visible
on my peach skin.

"Aww. Don't be shy. What's it called?" the guy with the crotch view said.

"....Stinky Apples" I smiled.

Everyone in the class stopped for a minute. They were confused, I guess.

"Oh I get it" the mother said before holding her tongue and saying it out loud.

They all laughed. I laughed too and my timer went off. On my break I called Chris
and told him I wanted to see him tonight. I wanted to spend the rest of my
valentines with him.

**

"So now you are canceling our movie date? That's messed up Rih" I teased over
the phone.

"Oh hush, we can go see a movie tomorrow" she said.

"So who is she?" I asked, referencing the friend that had showed up at her front
door in need of a place to stay.

"An old friend. Chick that was my best friend when I moved here. She had
left...but I guess she's back in Florida now".

"I feel like I'm being replaced" I pouted.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go hang out with that white boy" she laughed.

"Hey now. He has a name".

"He does. White boy".

"Rih, you are half white".

"I'm half Italian. Huge difference".

"What-Ever. Anyway, let me meet yo friend".

"Bee, trust me. You don't want to".

"Why don't I?"

"Because she is even crazier than I am. No. You don't wanna meet her".

"Oh, but I do. I wanna see who use to be your bestie before I came in the
picture".

"Did you just say bestie? Why must you torture me with that girly lingo?"
"Shut up. You like it. That's why I'm your bestie, now. You love me, chick. Don't
front".

"I won't love you if you keep booking up all the classes. They don't even wanna
draw my ass no more" she laughed.

"Yeah. They can't get enough of me. It's so lovely to be wanted".

She giggled, "You are becoming more conceited by the day. I can't even lie
though. You are a bad b*tch".

"You are steeeeel the baddest" I said.

"Kiss my ass when I need you too. I'm bout to entertain this b*tch, and I will talk
to you tomorrow, ok?" she said.

"I'm bout to go to Chris house. But let me stop by to meet her tonight? I gotta
ride past your place anyway".

"Damn, you really wanna meet her, don't you?"

"I do. I'm serious, Rih. I don't wanna be replaced as your bestie".

"Ugh. Stop using that word. I get itchy everyime you say it. But come on. We'll be
here".

I showered, got dressed, and made my way over to Rih's so I could meet this girl
that would be staying with her. Rihanna didn't sound too enthused with the girl
showing up, but since they use to be best friends I was alarmingly curious about
their backstory. And I was curious about who this girl was, especially after Rih
said she was crazier than she was.

I got a call back from Rih right as I was leaving.

"Could you do me a favor?" she asked.

"What?"

"Could you stop at Public and bring this b*tch some Butter Peacan Ice Cream. I
don't feel like going to get it you could you?"

I laughed, "Damn, this girl got you going out to get ice cream?"

"Just bring it, Bee. Bye".

I stopped at Publix, and got a small thing of it. Shit, they ain't give me no money
for it, I wasn't about to get a huge box of it. I was even more intrigued with
meeting her now. I knocked on the front door just as the sun was starting to set.
Rih opened. She was fully clothed, which was kind of unusual because she was
always half naked when I came over. I don't think the girl liked clothes.

I handed her the ice cream as she blocked the door and started looking past her
trying to find the friend.
"Where she at?" I said, peaking in.

She giggled at me but continued blocking the door.

"Move" I said.

"My-YUH. Get your ass out here" Rih screamed.

"WHY?" I heard a scream from the bedroom.

"Cuz I said so" Rih screamed back.

Out emerged the mysterious old friend. She looked Indian, crazy sense of style
and a vibrant smile to match. I couldn't keep my eyes off her at first. She just
looked so interesting.

"Who dis?" she said as Rih moved out of the way and let me in.

"This is my girl, Beyonce. Bee, this is my girl, Maya".

"Messy Maya" the girl corrected her.

"Messy Maya" Rih sarcastically repeated.

I went to shake the girls hand but she pulled me in for a hug.

"Bee. I warned you about Maya. She don't have em all" Rih said.

"Beyonce. I like that name. You black?" she asked me.

Question kind of took me back to Nicki, and I hoped this wouldn't be deja vu.

"Yes. I'm black. You?" I asked.

She laughed, "No. I ain't black. Ever heard of Sri Lanka?"

I laughed, "Um..."

"That's that FAMU, geography education" Rihanna joked.

"Oh you go to FAM?" Maya asked.

"Yeah. Unfortunately" I said, looking at Rih.

"Why unfortunately? Girl, don't let Rih make ya shame over your school. At least
you are in school" she said, sticking her tongue out afterward at Rih.

My phone started ringing; it was Chris. They let me be as I answered the phone
and told him I would be on my way. We decided we'd meet at the movie theater
since Rih had canceled on me. I hung up and looked back towards them. They
had spoons and were both digging in the ice cream. Maya took a spoon full and
extended it to me, "Want some, Beyonce? It's good".

I shook my head, "Nah. I'm fine. Anyway I gotta head out. Meet my date".
"Oh you gottta man?" Maya asked.

"Not officially. But he's a sweetheart".

"He's a man. So he's a loser" Maya said before eating the spoon full of ice cream.

I laughed, "What does that mean?"

"It means she a dyke" Rihanna answered.

"You are a lesbian?" I asked, staring at her.

She smiled and had another spoonful.

I giggled, "Oh. Well damn. I ain't mad at you girl. Anyway, Rih we still on for
tomorrow?".

"What's going on tomorrow" Maya asked.

"Bee and I were gonna go out".

"And you wasn't gonna invite me?" Maya shot.

"Nope" Rih smiled at her.

"Well I'm inviting myself. All three of us can go out. I need to hit up a club
anyway".

"We were going to a movie" I said.

"A movie?" she said looking at me, then at Rih.

"Ok. Well if I'm infringing or anything then never-mind".

"Maya, shut the shit up. You know you don't give a damn about inviting yourself"
Rih said before laughing.

"Nah but iono ur friend like that".

"I don't mind if you come" I said.

Rihanna looked at me. For some reason I felt like she didn't want her to come.
There seemed to be something off about this entire picture. But I left, saw the
movie with Chris and went home to do homework.

All three of us did end up going to the movies that Friday and I got to learn a bit
about this bad b*tch that came from Sri Lanka. She and Rih met as teens in
Gymnastics class. I didn't even know Rih knew Gymnastics, but it helped explain
why she was so flexible when we posed or did yoga. They immediately hit it off
because they both had a blend of ethnic qualities that made them exotic and
they both were bat crazy. I only caught a glimpse of it on Friday. She could be
loud as hell but she was always funny and entertaining. She was quick, and had
potty mouth as bad as Rih did. They called her Messy Maya because she was a
mess, according to Rih. She had that same crude but infectious personality that
Rih had, which made it easy to see why they once were best friends.
While we stood in line at the movies, she would crack on people that walked by,
talking about anything from their f*cked up hairstyles to their clothes. She mostly
cracked on dudes. Saying one dude was so ugly, aids wouldn't infect him. She
had my dying although every time she cracked on someone I felt bad about
laughing. I had to cover my mouth a few times and act like I wasn't even with
them. Surely if she kept at it, and someone overheard her, they would try to beat
her ass.

We ended up seeing 10,000 B.C. which was one of the most boring movies I ever
seen, but fortunately her commentary made it laugh out loud funny. Luckily,
there weren't many people in the theater so her talking didn't seem to be a
disruption. The people who did her her comments seemed to find them funny
too.

"So we evolved from blue eyed white people with dreads?" she said at one point
when they showed the clan.

The entire theater, all 10 of us, burst out into laughter. When the movie was
over, a few of the people in front turned around and gave Maya a standing
ovation. She bowed and said she's here every Friday, which prompted more
laughs. One thing was for sure, she was a comedian.

Maya was wanting to go clubbing so we made a date to do that the next night. I
had only been to one club in my life, the hood club known as Chubbys, but Maya
suggested we go to a more bougie place with better music for dancing. We
ended up at club Fire/Ice, a huge place that had one floor with a fire theme and
the bottom level an ice theme. It was definitely unlike anything I had ever
experienced.

Definitely a lot more diverse than Chubbys as whites, blacks, asians, latinas,
every persuasion was represented and enjoying themselves. This place also had
a strict dress code. No Jerseys or Baggy jeans or any of that shit. Everyone was
looking nice and I had an excuse to wear what Carter had bought me on our trip
to New York.

I found out soon that although Maya was a lesbian, she found fun in grinding on
guys, only to diss them when they asked for her number. She liked the look on
their faces, so she said. I wasn't really interested in dancing with any guys, I just
wanted to drink and have fun. I danced with Rih for a bit and Maya got jealous
and pulled her away from me while laughing. Eventually, Maya got her dance
with me and she slapped me on the ass a few times. I laughed it off.

"Don't be smacking that girl booty" Rih yelled over the music.

"Don't be acting like you never did it before" Maya laughed.

Rih rolled her eyes, "I haven't. Bee is my friend".

Maya yawned and we all went and got another drink. Maya and Rih seemed to be
real cool at times, joking with each other and everything, but every now and then
they'd get real quiet and annoyed with each other. It was fascinating to watch
and really made me want to understand what their story really was.

"So Beyonce, how long you and Rih known each other?" she asked.

"About a year now" I said.

She nodded her head, "Where yall meet at?"

"At the gym" I said, wondering why she was so curious.

She took a sip of her drink and fanned herself before commenting on how lame it
was in here tonight. Rih gave her a look and then Maya smirked, before going in
her purse and pulling out something. I couldn't see what it was but the look on
Rihannas face suggested that it wasn't good.

"Put that up" she said.

Maya laughed and then looked at me, "You want one, Bee?"

"No, she doesn't" Rihanna answered for me.

"Want what?" I asked.

"You roll?" she asked.

I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.

"Maya, stop. No that girl doesn't pop pills".

"The way you are tripping, Rih. You would think that you don't either" Maya said.

"Are yall talking about x or something?" I asked.

Maya looked at me and grinned before nodding.

"You'll have a better time" she said.

"Maya, stop. Damn. Beyonce doesn't need to go to that place".

"Rih we use to party like this all the time. Why you all-love-a-sudden telling her
ass to say no?"

"Because Bee isn't into that kinda shit. Let her stay how she is".

I sat, really uncomfortable, as they fought over my participation. That didn't sit
right with me. I was my own woman. Eventually, Maya dropped it, and the drugs
back into her purse and we got up and headed back to the dance floor. But even
when we left, that whole situation bothered me.

Still, over the next few weeks we went clubbin four times, and the more I spent
time with those two firecrackers the more I realized that Messy Maya was the
brains behind who Rihanna was. Rih was right, she was crazier and I picked up on
small things where it seemed Maya had some type of mind control over her. It
was weird to even watch because Rih was so strong and independent to me. Just
little things I saw that honestly freaked me out.

I thought we were going to Fire/Ice again but Rih told me Maya said we're going
to The Moon. It wasn't the fact that she said it, it was how she said it that freaked
me out. "Maya said we're going to the Moon" as if she didn't have a say. I didn't
mention it. But I mental noted it. There was something about this chick that
bothered Rih.

I still found myself taking a liking to her. She was fun to be around. And when
they weren't arguing about something trivial, the tandem or Rihanna and Messy
Maya was unbeatable. They could crack jokes like no one's business and they
had a lot of funny stories about when they were teens. After going to the Moon
we came back to Rih's crib and pretty much got drunk while I listened to them
reminisce about old times.

"Rih. Remember when we would went to that bike race down the hill?" Maya
asked.

Rihanna's drunk ass started laughing as soon as she the question was asked.

"What happened?" I asked, wanting to share in the hilarity.

"We mooned the bike riders" Rih smirked.

"And saw each one fall their ass down" Maya added.

I laughed too. Just seeing them laugh about it made it funny.

"Member the first time we ran away?" Maya asked.

"B*tch, I don't call going into my dads backyard and sleeping in the garden,
running away" Rih laughed.

"But he called the police, though. So it counts" Maya countered.

"Why yall ran away?"

"We weren't sh*t, Bee" Rih said, drunk out of her mind.

"We still aint" Maya laughed.

I had to admit. I felt kind of left out. They had so many funny stories and
adventures they had together. They had a special bond. And even beyond that,
their style of doing things was rubbing off on me. They way she dressed and the
way she talked, more specifically. The extra cursing, the way the F word slid off
her tongue. I wanted to be like that. I wanted that confidence.

"You ain't got no funny stories about your bestie back home?" Maya asked me.

I had stories, but none of them were very funny or as original as theirs was. And
in my drunken state, I realize I did miss Kelly and how close we were. When I
thought about it further, Rih was really the only female friend I had now. Michelle
and I were cool, but we didn't hang out that much and I could tell we were
drifting apart.

Maya and Rih were hipsters. They read pop culture magazines and would spout
off pop references that I just didn't understand. But I wanted to understand and I
wanted to be included in their circle. If Maya was here to stay, like it seemed to
be at the moment, I needed to fit in with their lifestyle. I didn't want to be one to
cramp their style.

I didn't want to go home to Michelle all drunk so Rih told me I could stay the
night. Michelle was saying I was changing, and coming home drunk wouldn't do
anything but add credence to that. Maya invited herself into Rih's bedroom so I
could sleep on the sofa. For a split second, I saw that look on Rih's face. That
annoyance look. But it went away as quickly as it appeared. They went into the
bedroom, closed the door, and I sat up for a good 15 minutes, wondering what
was going on behind closed doors. Were these two, lovers?

**

The stone cold bathroom tile

Stings against my sunken cheek

My eyes burn as they open

I Haven’t seen daylight in weeks

I stumble to the bedroom

And pick up the phone to call

I need another hit of you

To help ease my withdrawal.

With each ring I grow more frantic

Thinking I might miss my buzz

Your drug runs through my veins

And hits me like no other does.

I’m a junkie for your presence

I’m a fiend for your embrace

I’d walk through hell and back

If only I could score a taste

No answer, no surprise

I already knew my fate

You unlocked a door to my soul

In which there is no escape

I was writing poetry to help get over some of the pain in my life. After my panic
attack I realized there were things I had bottled up that I needed to release.
Obviously I couldn't just tell people or vent these things, so I bought a notepad
and vented them to the pages. A diary of some sort. I read on the internet that I
should write a poem every day, at the exact same time, for one month to help
me with my stress. I decided to do it. That was poem 1 of the 31 that were to
come.

I couldn't understand why the Landlord of our duplex was taking so long to fix
things or why he was raising the rent when we would renew. We were living
comfortably, but the 100 dollar raise didn't seem to make any sense. But we
gave him the benefit of the doubt because we were officially in a recession
according to the government. Maybe he had lost his job or something. Maybe I
would write about the increased rent. Or maybe my next poem would be about
Chris.

Chris had been heavily on my mind. I liked him, I really did. But I just didn't know
if I was stable enough to handle the emotional roller coaster of being his woman.
I told him this one night and he told me he understood. The next week, I saw him
at school talking to a girl and I almost lost it. I felt betrayed. Betrayed because he
was making some other girl laugh that wasn't me. It didn't make any sense. I
basically told the guy to not wait for me to be ready. But I didn't mean it. I
wanted him to wait. That was why I had called him and told him to pick me up
and lets spend a day together. When he told me he had a date that night, I got
silent.

I knew I was being unfair, but I didn't care. I wanted him to myself. Even if I kept
him a certain distance. He told me that although he had a date that night he
could still hang with me for a little while that afternoon. I took him up on the
offer. Selfishly, I knew that I wouldn't let him go on that date.

We went to the mall for a bit, window shopping and even ducked into Victoria
Secret for shits and giggles. We ate some ice cream, took pictures, and then I
went over to his crib. It was 5, he said his date was at 7, but I still wasn't leaving.
I popped in Willy Wonka and got comfortable in his bed. He laughed and sat
down with me, watching until Charlie got the golden ticket. He sang the song out
loud. After he was done he said he had to shower.

"Can I watch?" I grinned.

"Sure" he smiled.

I laid back down as he went and showered and thought about the last time I
attempted to have sex with him. The panic attack. The realization that I couldn't
have sex because I was angry at myself for my feelings regarding my
miscarriage. The realization that I didn't believe I was good enough to be loved
by someone. And then I thought about how Chris treated me afterwards. He
didn't suddenly act like I was a fragile twig that could break at any moment. He
didn't walk around my feelings like they were egg shells. He remained Chris and I
remained Beyonce. He was everything I could have wanted. But was I ready?
That was the part I couldn't answer.

I still loved Carter. I was sure that I could have been married to Chris, and if
Carter wanted to f*ck me on my hooneymoon, I would go through with it. I loved
him that much. But Carter had moved on. It had been almost four months. It was
time for me to do the same.

Chris returned to the bedroom with a towel on. I didn't expect him to, but I joked
and told him to drop the towel. To my amazement, he did just that, letting the
towel drop and standing butt naked in front of me. Of course, he had his back
facing me while he went in his drawer for boxers, but my mouth still dropped
when I got an eye full of white booty.

He got dressed like it was nothing while I watched. My smile turned to a frown
because I knew he was getting dressed to go on a date with another girl. I was
the first girl from FAMU that he got involved with romantically, but now, it
appeared that he would get involved with another. I didn't like this. In fact, I
hated it. And I wanted him to know.

"Chris. I don't like her" I whined.

"Who?" he asked.

"Her. Your date".

He laughed, "Why?"

"Cuz" I pouted.

"Cuz...whaaaa?" he said, sliding on the bed by me.

I faced him and grabbed his hand.

"Because she is taking my place".

"She isn't taking your place, Beyonce".

"Yes she is. You are dating her".

"Do you not want me to?" he asked.

"What do you think?"

"I think you are crazy if you think I am replacing anything. You're still my best
friend here" he said.

It felt good to hear those words.

"Really?"

He nodded.

"You are my best friend. Male friend, at least. Top 3, though" I laughed.

He laughed too. "I can live with that".

"Chris you have been so wonderful to me the past year. I don't think I could have
handled everything without you. And I guess....I just feel like you think it's been a
waste of time. Because....you know".

"Because of what?" he asked with his eye brow raised.

"Chris. You know".

"I don't. That is why I am asking".

"I tried to have sex with you and I couldn't. I mean you are a patient guy and
everything but you are still a guy, with needs. And I feel like you think I've been a
waste because I couldn't even return the favor. So you're talking to a girl who
can do that" I said.

He frowned at this.

"Are you mad? Please tell me you are joking or something".

"All I'm saying is. I want to be with you. I want to repay you for everything you
have done for me. I want to be able to make love to you. But"

"Beyonce, there is no but. You don't have to repay me for anything. I did all I
have done because you are worth it. Sex has nothing to do with it. I value your
friendship. I think you are a beautiful person. I don't need anything else, but your
friendship".

"But I want to be able to give more. Can't you get that?"

"I get that. But. Your body rejected it. You're not ready, Beyonce".

"But I'm also not ready to share you, Chris. I know it's selfish. I'm sorry. But...I
don't want to share you".

"It is very selfish" he smiled, "and not very fair to my date".

"F*ck her" I said.

He laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I remember your parents saying you were a big baby. It was harsh. But it's true,
too. Babies don't like to share. Mine. Mine. Mine. Everything is theirs" he grinned.

I shrugged, "Well. I'm sorry for what I said. I'll leave".

I stood up and he grabbed my arm and pulled me down to the bed. I flopped
down and watched as he pulled out his cell phone. He scrolled through names
and clicked a name before looking at me.

"Hello? Hey, Tracy? ....not so good. Yeah. I'm sorry it's on short notice. But Ima
have to cancel our date tonight. Yeah. Yeah I know it's almost 7. Yes....uh...Yes.
I'm an asshole. Yep" he smiled, staring right at me.

I can't lie. When he hung up, I felt like giving him some right then and there. I
tried not to smile, but I did.

"See. Now I'm an asshole" he said.

I laughed, "You are so not an asshole. You are amazing".

"Try telling her that".

"F*ck her" I said, yet again.

He chuckled, "Yeah. F*ck her".

"Did you wanna f*ck her?"

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"Did. You. Want. To. F*CK. HER!?"

"Is this a trick question?" he laughed.

"No. Just answer. Did you want to sleep with her?"

"She's a beautiful girl-"

I interrupted, "Chris. Did you want to have sex with that girl? I'm going
somewhere with this"

"YES!" he shouted, matching my tone and then widely grinning right afterward.

"And you're willing to turn down her, just to spend a night with me watching
movies?"

"No. I'm willing to turn her down just because you wanted me to".

"I want you to kiss me" I said, not caring about anything that could prevent this
from happening.
"Bee".

"Kiss me. Now" I demanded.

He leaned in while I closed my eyes. But the bastard kissed my forehead.

"No. On the lips".

"I refuse. You're not ready" he said.

"I might not be, Chris. But I'm willing. I want to be with you. I want to be your
girlfriend. I don't want to run from it. I might be a mess. But we can work on me,
together, right? As friends and lovers. Right?"

"The friends part, i'm cool with. It's the lovers part that scares me".

"It scares me too, Chris. But what did your song say? It's scary for both you and
me. You said you'd wait for love. And you have. You said you would swallow all of
my catty remarks. And you did. And you said the only thing you could do was
right a song for me. And you did. Now, there is something else you can do. Not
run from me. I need you".

"What do you need from me that you don't already get?" he asked.

"Touch. I need you to touch me. I need your commitment. Chris I" I felt my eyes
starting to water. I was about to tell him something I had never told to anyone. I
had been feeling like this for awhile now, but to verbalize it? Chris had already
seen so much. He seemed like the perfect person to release this to. I had to
release it.

"I'm a f*cked up person right now. I know I'm not very stable. Sometimes I feel
like I'm going to go crazy from stress. And if I was a selfless person I would tell
you to run away from me. But do you know the reason I jumped out of that plane
with you? It's the same reason I am telling you this. I trust you. I trust you, Chris.
And I don't trust a lot of people. All of these people I know in my life trust me.
They tell me all of their secrets. Their biggest and darkest secrets. I am an
emotional trash can for them. And I hold all of it. But I have no one that I can
release my biggest darkest secrets to....I have never had that person in my life".

He looked like he was on the verge of tears. He was 100% glued in on me. I
grabbed his hand.

"And then you came along. A person that I could be at my lowest with. My most
unladylike. My most irrational. At my ugliest state. And you still see me for me.
It's....hard...Chris. To find people like that. And I don't want to have that guy in
my life and I not follow my heart to be with him. I know I might not be the ideal
significant other. I got a lot of flaws and insecurities and fears. But I trust you. I
trust you with all of me. There isn't one secret in my closet that I would not allow
you to see. And I want that trust to mean something. Something I can touch and
hold and feel and love".

He squeezed my hand as I confessed to him what I had been feeling. I was crying
now. But it felt good. Felt good to finally release all of this. Tell a living,
breathing, person instead of a notebook.
"And the one secret I have held. Is that I was happy I miscarried. I was happy,
Chris. And I hated myself because I was. And I still do. And it hurts....it...hurts".

"It's not your fault" he began.

"It is my fault. And that was why I was relieved when it happened. Because I'm a
coward".

"A coward? Beyonce, how are you a coward? You mean to tell me the woman
who lets strangers draw her in the nude. Who came to a different state by herself
at 16. Who jumped out of an airplane. And who just told me her biggest secret, is
a coward? You may be slightly delusional right now. But you aren't a coward. You
are one of the strongest people I have met. And it's your strength that I am most
attracted to".

"Then be with me, Chris".

This statement was followed my silence. Intense silence as the future dangled in
our eye embrace. My heart was racing. I felt like I was begging him for this. And
as humbling and weak as it felt, I still didn't care. I would get on my knees and
beg for him to kiss me and let me feel his touch. I needed it.

And I got it. He kissed my tears. He kissed my forehead. And then he kissed my
lips. I closed my eyes and kissed him back. We kissed while the Ompa Lumpas
sang in the background. This was a twisted fairy tale. I didn't know if it would end
in us living happily ever after. I was just interested in the happiness of the
moment.

**

Michelle had been asking me to save on lights by cutting off my TV and not
leaving on my laptop and save on water by taking shorter showers. It was
starting to aggravate me because she was sounding like my mom instead of a 19
year old. I ended up leaving the house to go over Rih's crib. I always knew when I
went over there I would have a good time. We started calling ourselves the three
amigos and were soon hanging out almost daily.

I always figured I would have two best friends when I went off to college, but I
figured it would be Kelly and Solange. With Kelly and I still not speaking and Solo
being a mommy, this was the only option. And this seemed like an even better
option. I had so much fun with them, from riding go carts at Celebration Station
to visiting Maya's grandma in their old neighboorhood. Why was that fun?
Because her grandma was an old lady that sat in her lawn chair, cursing people
out all day. I could see where she got it from.

"He nana" Maya said when we came to see her. This was my third time over, and
she always had cookies or something in the oven.

"Hey nana" I spoke. She had everyone call her that, even people she had just
met like me.

"Hey. Beyonca? Deyonca? What is it again, child?"

"Beyonce" I smiled.
"Yeah. That. You kids and these crazy names. But I don't forget your pretty face.
Go and get you some cookies" she said.

She was sweet then. But I knew it was only a matter of time before the other,
more hilarious side of her came out. And it did. When me, Maya, Rih, and one of
Maya's cousins ate all of the cookies she had baked.

"Yall ugly muthaf*ckas ate all the cookies" she spat.

Maya shrugged, "Nana, you said to help ourselves".

"That don't mean eat all of the cookies" she said.

Maya laughed, "Well sorry. I ain't know you wanted none. I love you" she said as
she kissed her cheek.

Nana rolled her eyes, "Yall don't love me. You bet not cry at my funeral either. If
you do, I swear Ima wake up and kick your ass from eating all my cookies up".

I loved this woman. We ended up going outside where the block was alive. Kids
were outside riding bikes and playing football. Maya's cousin ended up bringing
out a stereo and turning on some music. Shit like this never happened in my
neighborhood growing up. But people came over to the area and just started
dancing. Out of nowhere. Neighbors and other people just started dancing and
having a good time.
I just watched at first. Rih laughed and said how this was how it was back in
Brazil. Maya got up and started dancing with her cousin and then some guy that
was passing. Nana sat in her lawn chair and watched, cursing every few minutes
or so.
I ended up dancing too, Maya smacked my ass like usual and made a comment
about how it jiggled. I laughed it off again. Rih shook her head. We ended up
leaving that hood and going back to Rih's place, which was also in the hood.
Maya said she would cook for us. She said she had a special recipe for Spaghetti
but needed to go get some things from the store.

"Rih, could you go to the store and get it?"

"No" Rih replied.

Maya rolled her eyes, "Ok. Bee, can you go?"

"No. Beyonce is staying right here" Rih said.

"Damn. I offer to cook and no one even can get me the recipes? Fine then. I'll go
get it myself".

I laughed, but Rih remained looking serious. What was up her butt? When Maya
left, I just had to ask. She would get like this at the weirdest times. I liked Maya.
But Rih seemed to catch an attitude with her at least once every hour.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked after Maya had left the parking lot in Rih's
SUV.

She didn't say anything. Just rolled her eyes.

"Rihanna. Why you be acting like that with her sometimes?"

"You are so blind, Beyonce. It's so annoying".

"Blind to what?"

"Can't you see the girl wants to f*ck you?"

"Who? Maya?"

"No. Sarah Palin. Yes, dipshit".

"Child boo" I said, "And even if she wanted to. Don't mean it's gonna happen. I'm
straight".

Rih laughed to herself, one of those bitter laughs.

"Did you and her use to date or something? Are yall dating now?" I asked.

"No and no. Never dated. Never will date. That is my friend, Beyonce. MY.
Friend".

"Then why do you have an attitude? Like, you have this huge tude and you're
b*tching like you are a scorned lover or something".

"Ok, then Beyonce. I won't b*tch. I don't care. Do you".

"What are you even talking about? Like, I am seriously confused".

"Just forget it" she said.

I didn't forget it. Even when we dropped the conversation and Maya returned.
The spaghetti was actually good, very good. And after two plates of it and some
garlic bread I felt like I would be on the toilet for a good hour. When I came out
after spraying air freshener, they were both laughing at me.

I flicked both of them off.

"Just stank up my bathroom" Rihanna smirked.

"Bathroom? I smell it out here. Girl stunk up the whole house" Maya laughed.

I sat down grinning, "Yaw can both lick my asscrack".

"I'd love to, actually" Maya said.

"Yuck" I responded.

Rih didn't say anything. That was the first blatant flirty comment Maya had made
to me. I didn't really feel bothered by it because I liked her. It wasn't
disrespectful or anything, but Rih's comment earlier did make me feel a bit more
uncomfortable than I would have been if she didn't say it. Maybe I was being
blind to obvious signs.

We watched a movie but right in the middle of it Maya said she needed to
smoke.

"You mind?" she asked, looking at me and pulling out a bag of weed.

I really hated that Rih and Maya did things together that Rih didn't do with me.
Made me feel like I was an outsider. I didn't want her to do things with one friend
but not with me. And I also hated to be looked at like I was a goody goody.

"Nah" I said.

Rih started to say something, but she didn't. She just sat there with a fake smile
on her face, her cheek resting n her palm.

Maya rolled up the joint and lit it. I only pretended to watch the movie, but I was
really watching her. I had never smoked weed before, but I was always curious
about it. It was funny how Tip could offer it to me and I rejected it, but I knew in
my heart if Rih or Maya asked me, I would try it.

Maya took a hit and passed it to Rih who took a hit too. They were passing it
back and forth and I was being left out. It was like a microcosm of our three
amigo friendship.

"Bee, you ever smoke trees?" Maya asked.

I looked over at her and she blew a cloud of smoke over my way. I shook my
head.

"I wanna try it though".

A smirk came across Maya's face. Rih shook her head and took the joint from her,
taking a hit.

"Pass it to Bee" Maya said.

Rihanna looked at me. She was smiling, sort of. But she looked dissapointed in
me. Like she expected better. I reached out my hand for the joint, anyway. I
wanted to at least try it. Rih sighed and passed. It was wet, their spit having
lubricated it. For a split second, I feared for my virgin lungs. Maya was on the
edge of her seat waiting for me to puff while Rih was non-nonchalantly looking at
the TV, ignoring the fact that her friend was about to give in to drugs.

I put the joint to my mouth, holding in between my index and thumb, and slowly
took a hit. I didn't cough like I expected to. I simply took it in, breathed it out,
and handed it back to Rihanna. She grabbed it without even looking at me. I
don't think she wanted to look.

"She took it like a pro" Maya commented.

I laughed.

"You take everything like a pro, your first time?" Maya grinned.

"Must everything be sexual innuendo for you?" Rih spat.

"Rih, stop being such a dick" Maya said.

"I am what I eat" Rih smiled.

"You eat dick? Do you blend it first?" Maya said.

They were too high to really argue. They both just ended up laughing and
passing the almost finished joint back around. We lit up another joint and I
helped smoke the entire thing. I got high for the first time in my life, though it
would be far from the last time.

I went home later that night still lit, and saw Michelle at the kitchen table looking
pissed. I went into the kitchen to make a few sandwiches. The weed had made
me really hungry. I just wanted to eat and eat. I made one peanut butter and
jelly sandwich and one ham and cheese and a big glass of grape juice.

"What's up with you?" I asked when I sat at the table, biting into both
sandwiches.

She looked at me suspiciously and I wondered could she tell I had been smoking
weed. Even though we were both college students. Just sophomores. I felt like
she would look down on me if she found that out. She already thought it was bad
I was getting drunk. She was a 40 year old mother in a 19 year old students
body. And even still, I didn't want to disappoint her.

"Talked to the landlord today. Stringer" she said.

"And?"

She shook her head like she didn't want to answer.

"What happened, Shell?"

"He got fresh with me".

"Fresh?"

She turned, like she was frustrated by my questioning.

"Yes Beyonce. Fresh. He hit on me. Asked me out on a date".

"What did you say?"

"I said no. And...he got...like an attitude. Saying he rented to us below it's value.
Saying he is gonna raise our rent way up".

"He can't do that" I insisted.

"He can, Bee. Basically sounded like, either I go on a date with him, or prepare to
move, cuz we can't afford for him to jack the rent all the way up".

"Then we move then" I said.

"Move where, Beyonce? What other 2 bedroom place as nice as this are we
gonna stay? And I can't move back on campus".

"When did this start?"

"His flirting? I don't know. It's been going on since the beginning. I thought he
was just friendly. Cuz you remember? I helped you find this place and I was really
nice to him. I kinda flirted then. Just to help get this place for you and your sister.
I never expected to be the one living here. And I guess he thought it was for real.
He's asked me out a few times. But now, it's like he's giving me an ultimatum".

"What? Sleep with him to keep an apartment?"

She handed me the paper telling us that our rent would be going up. I read it and
got angrier at each word. $500 increase in rent? That made absolutely no sense.

"Looks like we better start looking for a new place" she sighed.

I wrote about Stringer, our landlord, in my poem book. It wasn't fair. But what
could we do? She wasn't going to herself out for an apartment and I sure as hell
wouldn't either. But I did love my place. It was in a quiet neighborhood. We had a
backyard. It was spacious. And we had it decorated just like we wanted. I didn't
want to move. But what could I do?

I called Chris the next day and told him my predicament. He told me I should
report the landlord to the police. But that seemed like it would be pointless. What
proof did we have? Our lease was coming up. He could do whatever he wanted,
for any reason. It seemed like we were literally, screwed.

"Anyway. What are you doing today?" he asked.

"I'm going to the fair with Rih and her friend" I said.
He didn't say anything at first.

"Chris?"

"What?"

"Why you ain't say nothing?"

"I don't really like her. Or you hanging with her" he said.

"Why?"

"You seem to be going out alot with her and getting drunk. Plus you told me you
smoked weed with her last night".

I laughed, "Aww. You don't want your girl doing drugs and alcohol?"

"I'm not really joking, Beyonce. I don't think those things are in your best
interest".

"Uhm...ok. Well. It's not like it's something I do all the time. And even if it was. I
am my own person. You can't dislike her because of something I do".

"Yeah" was all he said.

"You don't agree?" I asked.

"All I'm saying is association breeds similarity. And I've just noticed some things
in your behavior lately".

I was getting aggravated hearing this. Rih was my friend. Sure, he was now my
boyfriend, but he was for the first time in our friendship coming across as holier
than thou.

"Ok, Chris. Whatever. Will I see you tonight?"

"I got a gig tonight. But you can come to my house afterwards".

"Ok. See you then".

"Bye".

I brushed off his comments about Rih and got dressed. I drove to Rih's crib, we
piled up in her SUV and the three amigos went off to the fair. It was suppose to
be a care free day. Lots of eating of foods we weren't suppose to eat and riding
rides until we wanted to throw up. But it was something else that made me feel
nauseous. Something I didn't expect to see. Carter was there with his daughter.

He was dressed down. A jacket and jeans with tennis shoes while she had on a
jacket and jeans with her hair in a ponytail. She looked like a splitting image of
her mother. Her mom was nowhere to be found, though. I spotted them eating
cotton candy together, but I was sure they hadn't seen me. Rih and Maya was
saying something, but I wasn't listening. I was focused on his interaction with
her. They had literally went all of her life apart from each other, and now he was
attempting to make up for it with father/daughter time. It seemed to be working.
She seemed happy. Like she was having a good time.

I looked hard at him. He looked happy too. At peace. He didn't seem as old and
stressed as he looked the time I was in his office. When they turned towards
where I was, I hid behind Rih. I didn't want him to see me. And for the rest of our
time at the fair, I avoided them. Even still, I kept my eyes on them. I was just
fascinated by him being with his child. He had chosen these moments with her
over future moments with me. That fact kept me glued to them, like a stalker.

"I'm gonna get me....a pizza" I said to Rih once I saw Carter and Shaun playing
one of those games where you try to win a goldfish.

The pizza vendor was right next to it but there was a long line I could hide
behind. I watched them, finding it so precious when he elbowed her after he had
won her the fish. She elbowed him back and they started laughing. It both
warmed my soul and hurt it at the same time. I really couldn't hate him for
choosing a relationship with her over one with me. I guess the trance I was in
was so strong that I didn't figure out there were headed my way until it was too
late. She not only spotted me, she pointed me out to her father.

He looked wide eyed at me. There was nowhere to run. I had been caught. She
looked at me briefly as she walked before looking into the bag of water with her
fish. I guess she found that more interesting than the girl she had seen at the
door back in December.

"Miss Knowles" he said.

I smiled, "Hey, Mr. Carter".

I looked at his daughter and waved. She gave a weak smile and then waved
before looking back down at her fish.

"How you doing?" he asked me.

"I'm good. Just here with some friends" I said.

He looked around and didn't see anyone. I looked around and didn't see any
signs of them either. He nodded and laughed.

"Imaginary friends?" Shaun blurted.

I smiled at her comment, although I didn't like it. She was a little smartass.

"How the semester going?"

"It's going good" I said, "Straight A's so far".

He smiled and we briefly locked eyes. I was a taken woman, but a large of my
heart was still with this man.

"You said this was our day. No school stuff. Can we go to the Ferris Wheel?"
Shaun said, her little ass breaking my my rare chance to look Shawn into his
eyes.
He looked down at his pre-teen and then back at me.

"She's right. Sorry, Miss Knowles. I'll see you in school" he said his daughter
pulled him by the jacket.

Before she left she turned to me, "have fun with your friends".

That little asshole, demon child.

I didn't even have an appetite anymore. I skipped the pizza and looked around
for my friends. I couldn't find them so I called her cell phone. Turned out they
were in line for the Ferris Wheel. I didn't even want to walk over that way
because that was where Carter and his demon seed would be. I decided to just
sit down and wait for them. They came almost half an hour later, laughing and
saying how I had missed out and all of that other shit.

"Who was that guy you went to talk to?" Maya asked.

"What guy?"

"The guy you talked to in the pizza line. We saw him in line with us".

"Oh. That was just my teacher" I said casually.

She nodded and the subject was dropped. It would be brought back up an hour
later when we were leaving the fair. It caught me so off guard, I almost chocked
on the gum I was chewing.

"You f*cked him? Didn't you?" Maya asked.

"What?"

"Your teacher. You had sex with him. You two had an affair. Right?"

Rih looked in the rear view for my facial expression. I was sure she saw the
shock. Maya was turned around in the seat with a grin on her face.

"Be honest, girl. I already know you did".

"How.....did you know?"

She laughed and then looked at Rih. Rihanna returned the grin. What was going
on?

"It's something I have to tell you, Beyonce" Maya said.

I had the most dumbfounded expression on my face, wondering what it could

possibly be.

"What?"

"I have a super power" Maya said, seriously.

I just looked at her, waiting for the punchline that didn't come. I started to smirk
to see if that would cause her to smirk and give away that this was a joke, but
she didn't. Ok, so she was serious?

"OK?"

"I have a special gift. Had it since I was a little girl. It's a sixth sense. A super
power".

"It's true Bee. Maya has this thing where she can figure out a persons biggest
secrets. She straight up told me when we first met, that she could tell I wanted to
f*ck my daddy. We were like 14 at this time. And she told me that out of the
blue. She was like 'your daddy isn't really that cute. why do you want him?' shit
still scares me to this day".

This was some twilight zone type shit. But both of them seemed dead serious
about what they were saying.

"So. You are saying you are a psychic or something?"

Maya laughed, "No. But I am saying I have this awareness. I can just look at
people. Look in their eyes. And know if they are lying. Know if they have a big
secret. And if they are around that secret, I pick up on it. I saw the way you
looked at your teacher. The body language. It was obvious. You two not only had
sex. You had lots of sex. All over your face" she went on.

I was speechless. F*cking speechless.

"Judging by your reaction. I'd guess you loved him too. Did he take your
virginity?" she asked.

I didn't even have to say anything.

"I thought he did. Crazy. Losing your virginity to your teacher? That sounds hot.
Too bad it was a guy teacher" she smiled.

What the hell was my face doing? How was it revealing ALL of this? I wanted to
cover my face just so her ass couldn't read it anymore. This was too scary. Too
much. And her grin only made it worse.

"Bee. Don't be freaked out. Maya is just really observant. She notices things
about people that most ignore. She gets off on that shit" Rihanna said.

"I surely do" Maya grinned.

I couldn't believe what had just happened. My biggest secret was revealed from
some chick just watching me around Carter? I thought about that super power of
hers as Rih drove. They ended up arguing about something, as usual, but I was
barely paying attention. My mind was still tuned in to the encounter I had with
Carter and the fact that this chick had deciphered it in a night.

"Maya?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"Do you wanna go to the club?"

She laughed, "Why?"

"Cuz I need a drink. And I need to go dance. You got my head f*cked up right
now".

She smiled at this, "I have that effect on women. Ask Rih".

Rihanna shot her a look, "Maya, shut the f*ck up".

"What did that mean?" I asked, finally hoping to get a clear answer.

"It didn't mean anything, Bee".

"So I didn't mean anything to you?" Maya smirked. I could tell she was enjoying
this.

"Did yall use to date?" I asked. Rih looked pissed, but I wanted to know.

"No. We never dated" Maya answered, "But I've had her pussy in my mouth. So
take that for what it's worth".

"I can't believe you" Rih said under her breath.

"Wow" I said.

Maya laughed, "Rih. Stop it. I don't know why you get so mad about this. We had
sex. It happened a long time ago. Stop being such a prude about it".

"You hold that shit up like it's some kind of achievement or trophy. It's f*cking
annoying" Rih spat.

"No. I hold it like it's the truth. And you want to deny it. That is what annoys me.
Stop it. You know you liked it. That is gonna always be my pussy, girl" she
laughed.

Rih didn't like this one bit. One bit. She turned up the music as loud as it went
and put her foot on the gas hard. When Maya tried to turn down the volume she
slapped her hand away. Maya grinned at her tempter tantrum, turned around to
me and did the you-are-loco sign with her hand.

We drove like this until we reached Rih's crib. It took some convincing because at
first Rih wasn't having it, but we did convince her to get dressed so we could go
clubbing. I did want to be out and having a good time. Chris wasn't the party
type. He didn't enjoy clubs, so if I wanted to go clubbing it had to be with Rih and
Maya. Michelle never enjoyed herself when she went and Jarvis and me weren't
speaking.

When we got to the club, I went straight for the drinks. I had some guy buy me a
Cosmo and I took my mind off the whole Carter reveal. Rihanna had went to the
bathroom when Maya sat over by me and put her arm around my waist.

"Thinking bout him?"

I nodded my head and moved my body so her arm fell off.

She laughed before reaching in her purse and pulling one a pill. She popped it in.
I watched. She did it effortlessly like it was a jellybean.

"What exactly does it do?" I asked.

She grinned, "Makes you feel good. Like the first time you and your teacher
kissed, good".

I knew she was trying to get me to try it. But the truth was I was already curious
about it. I surprisingly liked when we had smoked weed. I liked the high, even
though it simply made me hungry and relaxed. But this was something Rihanna
and Maya did all the time. I wanted to at least experience what "that place" that
Rihanna refereed to was.

"Let me get one" I said.

She smirked, "Girl. You know your baby sitter Rihanna ain't having that".

I turned up my nose at her, "Give me one".

She looked around, making sure no one was watching and that Rihanna wasn't
coming, and then she passed me the pill. I felt dangerous with it.

"It's gonna make you hot. So just make sure to drink a lot of water, ok? Death
only happens when people dehydrate" she said.

Death...Death? Rihanna tapped me on the shoulder.

"Let's dance" she smiled.

I looked at Maya who was seductively sipping her drink and eying me. I discreetly
put the pill in my mouth as Rih grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor. I
didn't know what to expect and that was part of the excitement. I had heard all
about college kids popping pills. It was so common around campus. It was what
Tip sold a lot of. Everyone was popping pills to help them study or to get high or
for some other recreation. Why couldn't I try it at least once?

The X kicked it after the first few songs. Words can't describe the pure euphoria
that took over my body. The music seemed so orgasmic. I felt horny. Kind of like
how I felt when I was drugged by Wiz. But knowing I had done this to me made it
feel more controllable. I danced and screamed and laughed. And I smacked
Rihannas ass and I told her to smack mine. I just wanted to be touched and felt
on. The thing that centered in my gut was the feeling of pure happiness. I felt
happy. Truly happy. Happy like a smiley face you draw with a pencil and paper.
Happy just for the sake of being happy.

I danced with strangers. Men, women. Whoever was around. And then I got hot.
Burning hot. I could feel the tingle in my fingers, like my nails could conduct
electricity. I remembered what Maya told me about drinking water so I went over
to the bar and got a bottle. I nearly swallowed the entire bottle in a few gulps so I
could get back on the dance floor and moving. I was too anxious and my heart
was racing so fast. I had to keep moving. I had to dance.
It took a while, but Rihanna eventually noticed the symptoms. She was pissed
when she did.

"Bee. What the f*ck did you take?"

I smiled at her and gave her a hug. She pushed my ass off of her and went
looking for Maya, dragging me with her. Maya was talking to some chick.

"We're leaving" Rih said at her.

Maya looked at me and then shook her head, "Rih is really tripping right now"
she said.

She stayed and talked to the girl a while longer, I guess to get he number and us
at the SUV. The high wasn't like being drunk. I felt happy and alert. But I also
knew shit was about to go down. I was fully aware of this face. I really didn't like
that Rih was pissy about this.

"Rih. Don't be mad at her. I asked for it" I said.

She didn't say anything, just got in and cranked up. I sighed. Man, how could she
be mad at something she does regularly? Maya was feeling the same way as she
got in the car. Rih pulled out of the parking lot like a mad man.

"Rih why are you acting like this? This is a grown ass woman".

"Maya, you promised me you wouldn't do this shit".

"I didn't offer the girl anything. She asked for it".

Rih was pushing it through traffic. She became a terrible driver when she was
angry.

"Just shut up. I can't drive and focus on yall shit. Don't talk to me" she barked.

Maya rolled her eyes and turned in her seat to look out the window. I sat back in
the seat and crossed my arms. I hated the way she was acting. And what
promise did they make? And why did they feel the need to make it? Maya was
right. I was a grown ass woman. I can make my own choices.

When we got in the apartment, all hell broke loose.

"Rihanna. Everytime we go out. We pop pills. But ever since she came around
now you wanna act like you don't party. You are being ridiculous".

"Keyword, b*tch. We. We. Me. And You. Beyonce isn't like that. She ain't f*cked
up like we are. She don't need to be f*cked up like we are. And you told me you
wouldn't give her any of that shit".

"No. I said I wouldn't offer it to her. She asked".

I just sat and watched them argue over me as if I wasn't there.

"Maya you are so full of shit. I'm tired of your shit" Rih barked.

"My shit? Girl, look in the mirror. You are the one acting like a damn hypocrite. If
a grown ass woman wants to do drugs, let her do drugs".

"Bee is different. Why cant you just let her be her? Not everyone needs to be
corrupted by you".

Maya laughed hard, "WHAT? Corrupted? Know what. I know what this is. I know
what this f*cking is. You just want the chick to yourself. Just like you wanted your
daddy to yourself. You pull these little stunts for sympathy. You're just as selfish
as you have always been" Maya yelled.

"PLEASE. I had no issue with you being friends with her. I took issue with the fact
that I knew your predator ass would try to f*ck her. Like you do every straight girl
you meet. You are worse than the men you hate so much. You can't have one
f*cking platonic friend without trying to f*ck them. The drugs, the flirty
comments, the weed. I know your methods, Maya. I know what worked on me".

"You are a f*cking liar!" Maya yelled, "So now drugs is why you slept with me?"

"Just get your shit and get the f*ck out. You ruined our friendship a long time
ago. I don't know why I ever think things will be different" Rih said before walking
away.

"You want me out? I will get out. But at least give me the honor of having the last
word, Rihanna" Maya said.

Rih turned around with tears in her eyes and her arms crossed.
"Rihanna. If I knew sex would cause me to lose my best friend, I never would
have done shit with you. I never would have done it. I regret ever doing anything
with you. But what hurts me the most if that you act like I made you do it. One
day you are gonna have to look in the mirror and face the fact that you did what
you wanted to do. Maybe then you'll stop blaming everyone else for how you
turned out in life".

"Get the hell out of my life. For good this time" Rih said, eerily calm.

Maya stormed into the bedroom to pack her things. I felt powerless. I felt like I
was watching a trainwreck happen before my eyes and there was nothing I could
do to stop it. I felt like I was the trigger that opened all kinds of unresolved
issues. And I hated it. I wanted to just rewind the past few hours. As happy as I
felt when I firs took the drug, was as low as I felt watching these former best
friends walk away from each other and ultimately out of each others lives.

"Rih. Stop her" I said, not wanting to see this happen.

Rihanna simply left her own apartment and went walking. Maya called her cousin
who showed up about 20 minutes later. I tried to get her to reconsider leaving
and for them to make up, but it didn't work. There was so much damage done, it
didn't look like it could be patched over. Too many accusations and insults. Their
friendship was totaled.

Rihanna came into the apartment still steaming mad. I tried to calm her down
and get her to open up but she didn't want to talk.

"Bee, leave it the f*ck alone. Matter fact. You just go home" she barked.

"Rihanna. I don't want to leave you like this".

"Go home, Beyonce".

I tried my best to get her out of this rage, but it only made her angrier. She was
literally on the verge of pushing me out. It hurt my heart to see this.

"Rih. Please don't do anything stupid. I love you. Please answer when I call you.
Ima call you when I get home".

"Goodnight, Bee" she said calmly.

I left. I called. She didn't answer. I checked facebook. And her status read:

Rihanna Fenty
The biggest hurt in the world is being forced to hate the one you absolutely love.
Time 4 sex with the stainless.
10 mins ago · Like Unlike ·

Rihanna was back to cutting.

Chapter 24
The Jarvis and Nicki camp cleaned up once the Government votes were tallied.
They both won in the positions they ran for while I came in last place. With no
one important by my side and me only half halfheartedly running, I stood no
chance. I proud of Jarvis though. Time had healed a lot of the wounds I felt when
it came to him. We had worked together so many times in NAACP that we were
forced to talk to each other so it wasn't like I could avoid him.

I hadn't told him I forgave him, but I was feeling like I had. Or maybe I just didn't
care anymore. I was completely over Tip after his deception and the fact that he
was DL sank in. And I had a new man who was my everything. My therapist, my
study partner, and my best male friend. Moving on and letting go was a lot easier
when you had someone to feel the void that was left.

Project Camile became official with just a few weeks to go in the semester and
we had a banquet to honor those that helped put it together. Jarvis got a lot of
the credit, and rightfully so. He laid a lot of the groundwork with his research.
We had accomplished a lot under his leadership and I had no issue sharing the
spotlight with him for his hard work. Even if he was a backstabbing best friend,
he was still a great president.

Camile even showed up, which was the highlight of the whole thing. She wanted
to take a lot of pictures with me. She was excited about her dress. She wasn't
use to wearing formal clothes. I found this out because she wrote it. That had me
excited. It was still bad grammar and bad spelling, but she was already making
progress. I could only imagine how it would be once she had more than a few
months with paid tutors.

The group home manager showed up and took pictures with Jarvis, me, and
Carter. I stood and watched as Carter took the picture with her.
I had been watching him closely because he brought Rosario and Shaun with
him. Rosario looked beautiful in her black dress, although she looked a bit
thinner than I remembered. I avoided being close enough to her where she'd
want to talk to me, but I waved at her at one point.

But when you are trying to avoid multiple people, you're bound to run into one of
them. The one I ran into was the one I didn't mind as much. My old friend. The
one who knew about my sour pussy incident. That nigga.

"You looking nice, tonight" he said to me.

I rolled my eyes, "You ain't lookin too bad".

He actually looked very hansom. He could definitely rock a suit. He had the
confidence to pull it off.

"You really did a wonderful job with everything, Beyonce. This whole thing is
really because of you" he said.

I looked at him and he was grinning. I really didn't want to accept his
compliment. But then again, it was true. A little bit of ass kissing wasn't that bad.

"Thank you, Jarvis. You did a great job too" I said.

"Can I ask you one question?"

I took a deep breath. I figured I knew what it was.

"Go ahead".
"You still mad at me?"

"Should I be?"

"Yes and No".

"Oh? How is that?" I asked with my hand on my hip.

"The whole Tip thing. I only started talking to him when you told me you were
talking to someone else. So no, in that sense. I didn't intentionally try to hide it.
But yes, because I still did hide it. I should have told you" he said.

"You should have. Before I slept with him" I barked.

He smirked, "I'm sorry it was bad".

"Horrible" I remarked.

He laughed.

"Bee. I missed your stankin ass. Stop being mad at me".

"How can I be sure I can trust you, Jarvis?"

"Does anyone know about your stank pussy?" he grinned.

He said it a little louder than I wanted. I shushed him and he started laughing.

"And no one ever better know about that" I warned.

"Come...here" he demanded with his arms opened.

Ah, what the hell. I did kinda miss him too. He was my homie before that shit hit
the fan. And unless he was secretly f*cking Chris, I doubt there could have ever
been a duplicate in store for us. I shuttered at that thought. And he forcefully
brought me in for a hug. I laughed, he laughed, we laughed. This was a good
occasion. We had started a foundation to help people. The least we could do was
help ourselves too.

We ended up talking for a lot of the night, catching up with each others lives.

"Yeah I heard you was dating Chris. Kind of a big switch" he laughed.

"Why? Cuz he white?"

"Cuz he's British" he joked.

"Ok, so he's white? So what?"

"You go to an all black school. You are on the NAACP. Trust me, you're gonna get
some shit because of it" he warned.

"Anyway. Enough of me. How are things with...."

He shook his head, "He cut off everything. You know how that goes".

"What happened with him? The thing with the teacher?"

"One of the students turned the teacher in and the teacher turned Tip in. So Tip
got expelled and the teacher got fired. He won't return my calls so I don't know
what he doing now".

"Sounds like a pattern with you" I said.

He laughed, "You might have a point. Anyway, let me mingle with some other
folks in here" he said before popping his collar, "As a politician, I have to make
friends with everyone".

He ended up strutting to the other end of the room which made me laugh. I
didn't even get a chance to finish my laugh when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It
was Rosario!

"Oh, Hi" I said surprised I was being approached by Carters baby momma.

"Hi Beyonce. First off, you look beautiful tonight. Secondly, I just want to
personally say I think you really did a great thing with this foundation. You should
be very proud" she smiled.

"Thanks. And thanks" I smiled shyly. This was always so flattering and
embarrassing.

"So how is school going? What's your major again?"

"I'm be declaring as an education major next semester. And it's going really well.
I should have Deans list again".

"Deans list? Awesome girl. I remember when i was in college. I definitely wasn't a
Deans list student" she laughed.

"What school did you go to? What did you major in?" I asked.

"Yale" she smiled, "And I was Pre-Law".

"Yale?"

"Yeah. That was where I met Carter. Or, Mr. C. What is it yall call him?" she
smirked.

"Wow, graduating from an Ivy school is pretty incredible".

"I didn't graduate. I dropped out. I got pregnant" she said looking over at her
daughter, who was taking pictures with her daddy.

"Oh. I'm sorry" I said.

"Don't be sorry. Shaun is the best thing to ever happen to me. I mean my
daughter, not Mr. C" she grinned.

"She is a very beautiful girl. She looks just like you" I said, giving a compliment
because she had given me so many.

"Yes. Better she look like me than her daddy" she joked.

I laughed unexpectedly at this. I never really realized how playful she could be.
And I had no idea that she was Ivy League intelligent. What surprised me most is
that she actually seemed to be enjoying having this conversation with me. The
presentation part of the banquet was over, now it was more so a mingling event.
But I didn't even feel the need to mingle, because Rosario and I were having a
good time just chatting. She was a genuinely nice woman. I kind of hated that
she was. I wanted a reason to hate her. But how could I hate a nice woman that
is dying?

Carter came over at some point with Shaun. He looked uncomfortable with me
talking to her. But I wasn't doing anything wrong. She had came over to me, so I
wasn't going to stress it. When he left to give us privacy, I decided to ask a
question that had been heavily on my mind.

"So. Are you and Professor Carter getting married? Or something?"

She giggled at this.

"No. No marriage for us".

"Oh. I'm sorry for invading-".

She stopped me, "You're not invading. We're chatting. Girl talk. It's fine. I would
wonder the same thing if I was you. Why am I moving in with him".

I nodded my head, wondering if that was a question or a statement.

"....So. Why are you moving in with him?"

She searched my eyes. I wanted to turn away from her piercing eyes. I didn't
want her to see what Maya had seen. But I knew if I turned away it would be a
dead give away. I had to stand my ground.

"Well, Beyonce. I'm....I'm sick....Sick to the point that. I don't know how much
longer...I can be here" she said.

She was still smiling. One of those smiles that people forced when talking about
something extremely sensitive. I was almost sorry I even asked. I felt horrible
that she was only confirming what Carter had told me back in December.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" I said, giving her the easy out.

"No sweety, it's ok. You seem to be a wonderful, understanding person. I trust
you" she smiled.

I shifted in my seat a little.

"Carter is taking care of me. Taking care of my medical bills. Finding me

treatment. And taking care of our daughter. All things I can't do anymore".

I didn't even know what to say. So I didn't say anything. I just looked at her. She
ended up looking over at him.

"Don't ever tell him I told you this. But. He feels guilty. Wrote all of them books
and his own home was a mess. He's a good person, although he doesn't feel like
he is. He's trying to make up for it. I guess I can't blame him".

"Do you love him?" I asked, totally overstepping my boundaries, but feeling like if
it was any time to ask it would be now.

She chuckled to herself.

"Of course I do. That is my childs father. And before that. He was my first real
boyfriend. It's just" she stopped.

"Just what?"

"This isn't too much info?"

"No" I replied.

"Carter and me argued. We argued and argued and argued. We even fought a
few times. Like, fist fighting. COllege kids. We were both too immature for what
we said we wanted".

"Which was what?"

"Each other" she laughed.

She ended up telling me story after story of her and Carter in college. From how
they met at a Frat Party, to an argument they had one time because she washed
his colored socks with his white socks. She volunteered most of this. But I wanted
to know every last detail. Every drop of detail was appreciated for my thirsty ass.

When Shaun came over, Rosario dropped the story telling mode and jumped into
mom mode. I was still fascinated by it. Just because this was Carters child and
technically, he knew me longer than he had known her. I started to feel like I was
invading their space so I told Rosario I had a good time chatting and decided to
go get something to drink.

"I had a good time too, Beyonce. Again, great job with the foundation" she smiled
before I left. I ended up taking a few more pictures with Camile, who couldn't get
enough of picture taking. In the middle of one, I got a phone call. It was from
Michelle.

"Hey girl" I answered.

"Bee. Get over here right now. Your man is outside. And he is drunk and acting a
damn fool. Get over here and get him under control. Or Ima have to call the
police".

"What?"

"Chris is drunk. Get over here. Now".

I called Chris's cell phone but he didn't pick up. What was going on? I excused
myself from the banquet and told them I had a family emergency. I flew to my
crib, which wasn't far. Sure enough, Chris car was parked in my driveway. When I
got out of my car I was shocked to find Chris was laid across my lawn, speaking
gibberish. He was face first, dirt all over his mouth.

"Chris, what the hell?"

"DEAD. Beeeeyaaaaaaawwwnssaaaaay"

I was horrified at this sight. I didn't know what to do.

"Chris. Baby. What is wrong?"

"Why ain't you home?" he said, looking up at me.

"I'm right here, Chris. Let me help you up".

"I want to laaaay heeere" he spat at me.

This wasn't the man I knew. What had caused him to get this drunk? I called
Michelle. She picked up, although I could see her looking out the window, as
were a few other people in the neighborhood.

"Shell, help me bring him inside. If not, they are gonna call the police".

"They? Girl I am 5 seconds away from calling the police".

"Michelle please. You know Chris. He isn't a bad guy. He's just wasted for some
reason. Just help me get him inside".

A few seconds later, she came outside wearing flip flops and a hoodie. Chris was
still talking nonsense. His eyes were red and his breath was unbearable. But
Michelle and I managed to get him up and into the house. He was pulling on the
sofa and kept calling my name.

"Beeyawnsay...beeywansay"

"Chris, yes? What is wrong?"

"It hurts...make it stop" he whined like a little child.

"What hurts?" I asked him.

Michelle just looked on from a distance. I thought about calling the emergency
room, but I didn't. I was hoping he'd come around. He eventually passed out on
the couch. Michelle was pissed off that he had come over this way.

"Get your man under control, Bee" she said before she went to sleep, locking her
door.

I didn't know what was wrong with him. But I stayed there and watched him
sleep. I watched him until I fell asleep only to be awakened at 3 in the morning
by Chris walking into the kitchen. He put his mouth underneath the faucet in the
sink and turned on the water.
"Chris, you ok?" I asked.

He turned around and seemed to be confused about where he even was. Or who
I was. He stumbled back into the living room, wiping his mouth and blinking his
syes.

"Chris. Please. Tell me what happened. Why are you over here pissy drunk?"

He sat down. He looked dazed and confused. It took him a while before he looked
like he understood that his name was Chris and I had asked him a question. At
some point, all of his senses came back to him. And then the fear returned to his
eyes. He was staring off into nothing. I waved my hand in front of his eyes to
snap him out of it. It didn't seem to work. Chris was gone some place dark.

"My dad....killed in action. He's dead" he said, still in a trance.

"Oh my God, Chris. Are you sure? When did this happen?"

He was still heavily drunk so there was only so much he could verbalize. I didn't
need to hear anymore though, not at this point. I went over to him and held him.
He cried. And then he slept. When we woke up the next morning, Michelle was
leaving for class. Chris was a little more sober and he told us the entire story.
The phone call he got. His father being shot by friendly fire. And him drinking
everything he could find until he blacked out. He said he didn't even remember
driving over here. That was the scariest thing. He could have literally went out
and gotten himself killed. I was thankful he was ok.

Michelle couldn't stay long to comfort him but she did give him a long hug. She
left us there and I continued to hold my man and tell him to let it all out. I didn't
know what else to say. You never know what to say to a person in a situation like
this. He lost his dad. In a freak accident. How could I help him through that?

But I felt like I had to somehow be there for him. I held him as he stared off into
the wall. He wasn't crying now. Just staring lifelessly. I felt so helpless. Like there
was nothing I could do to be an oasis for him like he had been for me. When I
was at my lowest, he held it together for me. I was on the verge of crying
watching him be so lifeless. But I couldn't do that. I had to stay strong for him. I
kissed his forehead and held him close.

He ended up kissing me on the lips. I kissed him back. I expected a peck, but he
kept kissing. There was no way I would deny him of kissing me if that was what
he needed at this point so I kissed him. He ended up backing off and laying his
head on the sofa. This boy was broken. And it hurt my heart to see HIM like that.

Maybe this wasn't the most rational move. But I wanted to be able to give Chris
something to make him feel better if even for a second. All I cared about was
removing his pain. That was all that mattered. He had wrote me a song when
that was all he could offer. I didn't make songs. But I could make love to him. I
could offer him that. My body, repaired from his love. My self esteem, restored
because of his patience.

I kissed my man and started to unbutton his shirt as I kissed.

"What are you doing" he whispered.

I ignored this. I opened his shirt and kissed his breast. I kissed his chest and his
beck. He closed his eyes and I kissed where his heart was, feeling the thump
against his chest. I had slept in my dress from the banquet, so I only had to slide
that over my head to be in my bra and panties. Chris seemed shocked by this,
but he remained silent and still. Maybe this was a stupid idea. But it was the only
thing I knew I could give him right now. My body belonged to him. And I wanted
him to have it.

I pulled down his pants and underwear and for the first time I saw his penis. It
was limp. But it wouldn't be for long. He looked at me and I kissed him one more
time on the lips before I took his penis in my mouth and gently sucked him until
he became hard in my mouth. He was breathing hard. I sucked him gently and
slowly. This wasn't just about a nut. This was about the entire experience. The
entire build up.

When he was strong and hard I reached in his pants pocket for his wallet. He had
a condom inside, thank God. He still seemed to be dazed. Like he wasn't really
sure what was going in. Either way, I just wanted him to feel good. I wanted to
make him feel good. I undid my bra strap and Chris watched it fall to the floor.
He froze for a moment before turning back to look at his topless girlfriend. His
topless girlfriend that was about to be completely naked, just for him.

"Beyonce. You don't have to-"

I stopped him.

"But I want to. And I'm ready to. I want you to have me right now".

He took a deep breath and laid back, obviously overwhelmed by the multitude of
emotions and feelings rushing through him. There was no way I could stop the
pain he was feeling of losing his dad. But I had to try. I pulled down my panties
and kicked them to the side. I had stood naked in front of maybe hundreds of
people after the life modeling. But this was special. More special than any other
time someones eyes had saw my nudity.

I slid the condom on and got on top of him, my pussy just resting above his dick.
I kissed him as his hands explored my curves, from my lower back to my hips to
my ass. I loved that he was wanting to explore me. We kissed and I slowly sat
down on his penis. The initial penetration hurt, but once it settled inside, the pain
turned to immediate pleasure. I didn't want to f*ck him. I wanted to make love to
him. I wanted this to last. I wanted this to last as long as possible. So I didn't ride
him like a girl rode a pony. I rode him slowly, moving my hips like those snake
dancers.

Every few moments I would completely stop moving on his penis and just kiss
him. He held me tightly against his body. I could feel his racing heart. When he
couldn't take anymore of me just sitting and not moving, he'd move his own hips.
He pushed his dick further into me when he did this, and it felt good. I was
focused so much on making him feel good that I forgot about how sex would
make me feel. It had been so long. My body had rejected sex the last time I tried
it.

But not this time. This time it was right. This time it was for selfless reasons. I
was giving my body over for something higher than my own nut. And I rode Chris
on my living room sofa as he sucked my titties. He sucked my neck and I buried
my fingernails into his back. He bit my neck in response, a painful bite that only
added to the pleasure.

"I love you" I whispered in his ear as he bit my neck and thrust himself deeper
into my pussy.

He stopped biting and looked at me in my eyes. He was sweating and breathing

hard. Our sweat and juices had completely ruined the couch. But none of it
mattered. This was all that mattered. The moment.

"I love you too" he replied.

Our love making went on for another hour. More kissing and holding than actual
thrusting. It was perfect. An hour where Chris could forget about his pain. An
hour when my body could be the most important thing in his world. When he did
cum, we locked eyes. My pussy grabbed his dick and his arms grabbed my waist.
We both refused to let each other go, even after the orgasm was complete.

I fell asleep with him still inside of me. He woke me up half an hour later and
reminded me that I had a class that morning. It was Pounders class. I looked in
his deep eyes. I saw the pain in them. Chris didn't need to be alone. He needed
me. I led him in the bathroom and we showered together. We bathed each other
and sucked his penis as the hot shower water poured over us. He attempted to
go down on me, but I stopped him. This wasn't about me. It was about him.

Even after another orgasm, this time in my mouth, I brought him in my room,
and we would go on to make love yet again. Once we were both exhausted, and
collapsed while wrapped in each others body, I lay on his chest.

"I love you" he said to me.

I kissed his chest again and again and again.

"I love you".

He ended up rolling out of bed and calling his mother. I watched him as he talked
about the funeral arrangements.

**

S. Carter: Can I ask you something?

QueenBey 2005:...sure

S. Carter: What were you and Rosario talking about last night at the banquet?

QueenBey 2005: Stuff.....girl stuff...nails and stuff...stuff like that...

S. Carter: Could you be serious?

QueenBey 2005: Why does it matter?

S. Carter: Ok. We'll make it simple. Did you talk about me?
QueenBey 2005: We might have. Might not. I don't think it matters, Shawn. We
were just talking...

S. Carter: Ok...

QueenBey 2005: Is that it?

S. Carter: Even if it wasn't, why would it matter? You're not answering.

QueenBey 2005: I'm just not answering that because it's confidential. But you
can ask me anything else.

S. Carter: Are you and Chris together?

QueenBey 2005:....why do you want to know?

S. Carter: lol...just forget it. You're playing games...

QueenBey 2005: Yes...me and him are together

S. Carter: Interesting...

QueenBey 2005: What does that mean?

S. Carter: That it's interesting...

QueenBey 2005: ok...and what about it is interesting?

S. Carter: The part about you being with him

QueenBey 2005: Sigh...whatever

S. Carter: Have you slept with him?

QueenBey 2005: Excuse me?

S. Carter: Problem?

QueenBey 2005: Why are you even asking that?

S. Carter: Yes or no question, Beyonce. Stop running in circles.

QueenBey 2005:....no...we haven't slepped together.

S. Carter: word?

QueenBey 2005: That surprising?

S. Carter: It's interesting....

QueenBey 2005: What's interesting is you asking me these questions out of the
blue...

S. Carter: Ok...sorry for bothering you.

QueenBey 2005: Yes. Carter. Chris and I slept together. you think ima ho or
something?

S. Carter: lol, no. I told you that you would love again...

QueenBey 2005: have you slept with Rosario ?

S. Carter: No.

QueenBey 2005:Do you miss me?

S. Carter has signed out...

**

I had missed just one of Pounders classes and I had fallen behind. The day I
missed had been a discussion on Prop 8 and ghays marrying. Mostly everyone on
campus was behind Obama but still a lot of them were split on the issue of ghay
marriage. She singled me out for missing class and asked me in front of
everyone what my views were on the subject. My profile was Christian and she
knew this.

"I think marriage should be between a man and a woman. Ghays can get
something else that gives them the same benefits but just don't call it marriage"
I said.

I knew I was potentially stepping on her toes, as she was a lesbian with a
partner.

"Do you believe homosexuality is a choice?" she asked me.

"I believe everything is a choice" I answered.

She smiled.

"And what about your orientation? What are you?"

"I'm straight" I said.

"Because you chose to be?" she asked.

"....yea. I choose to be with men".

"And if you chose to be with a woman. That would make you ghay?"

"yes".

"What if you chose both?"

"Bisexual, I guess".

"You missed a lot, Miss Knowles. What did we learn last week?" Pounder asked.

A girl raised her hand and stood up.

"Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are two different things. Just
because someone is heteroromantic, doesn't mean they can't be considered a
bisexual. A person can be biromantic but not bisexual, or bisexual but not
biromantic".

"I don't get it" I said.

"The terms heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic and aromantic are mostly

used in the asexual community but I've seen some non-asexuals use them
too.....The combinations are endless. A person can be a homoromantic asexual, a
biromantic heterosexual, a heteroromantic bisexual or even a homoromantic
heterosexual. There's a woman in this very class who identifies as homoromantic
heterosexual. Emotionally, she's only attracted to women, but sexually, she's
exclusively attracted to men" Pounder said.

I still didn't get it, but I let it go. There was no reason for people to have all of
these labels. Either you are ghay or either you are straight. It was as simple as
that. Tip was ghay. Maya was ghay. Rihanna? I wasn't sure yet. Me? I'm straight.

I left the class pondering the whole question of sexual orientation. They said old
thinkers only saw it as a binary thing. There was no gray areas for them. Social
evolutionist believed there were more than one way to identify. I was having
trouble really understanding the concept. Religious beliefs aside, how can
someone be romantically exclusive to one gender but sexually exclusive with the
other? It reminded me of the DL men who claimed they were straight but just
had sex with men. Hell no. I wouldn't accept that. They were ghay.

I got a facebook message from Tip just two days later that brought the entire
class discussion right back to me. It was weird how the timing could be so on
point.

Received from Clifford Harros

What's good shawty? Been wanting to talk to you for awhile. Here is my new
number. Call me. Please.

Maybe it was because I was bored, or maybe it was because of the class convo,
but I decided to take him up on the offer. What did he really have to say at this
point? Almost 5 months later.

"Hey" I said when he picked up.

"Hey. What's good?"

"Nothing much. You asked me to call. So I called".

"I'm glad you did, Bee. Real talk".

"Why?"

"Because I never got a chance to tell you I was sorry for what happened".

I laughed, "Ok. Well thanks for the apology".

"I also wanted to thank you for not....you know. Tryna tell the whole school what
you saw".

"Well, technically Tip. I never saw anything. And I'm glad I didn't. I'm just glad I
found out you were ghay before I got even more involved with you. It was bad
enough I slept with you".

"I know this is gonna sound funny. But I'm not ghay" he said.

I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me do it. This nigga.

"Then what are you?"

"I'm straight. I just experimented with something else".

"With another man bootyhole? Or did you get it in the bootyhole?"

"It doesn't matter what I did, Bee. But hear me out. College is all about
experimenting. Trying crazy shit. Drinking and partying and doing shit you end
up regretting in the morning. And it's a double standard. A chick could kiss
another girl, let another girl eat her out, eat another girl out. And it's bi-curious.
It's just experimenting. And no one disagrees with that. But let the same thing
happen with two dudes. And it's ghay this and ghay that".

"But as a man, Tip. A man. How can you lay with another man? I mean, what is
there to experiment with?"

"Something different".

"Ok, well then tell me this. Why couldn't you get hard with me?"

"I told you I was tired. I had f*cked another girl the night before. I needed more
rest. You don't believe me, I could come over there right now and put it on you,
shawty" he smirked.

I laughed to myself, "Uh...No. I got a man anyway".

"Yeah, Mr. Mystery man. That no one has met. I think you made him up".

"Believe what you want to believe. But I'm not with him anymore anyway. I'm
with someone else".

"Well, Bee. I'm glad you're dating again and whatnot. My intention wasn't to call
you and try to get in your drawls again. I just wanted to apologize and say I
appreciate you keeping shit to yourself".

"It wasn't easy, Tip. You should hear all the rumors about how you broke up with
me, f*cked me and then threw me away, and all that kinda stuff. If only people
knew the truth".

"But you know the truth. It's all that matters. And it's that loyalty that I like about
you. And it's why I still want to be friends".

I laughed, "Friends? Why?"

"Because everything I said about you was true. You may not believe any of it. But
it was true. I do like you. And I think you're a cool girl. And I also said I would
support you in your campaign, the one that you just lost. I want you to remember
that I am a man of many talents. That never changed. If you need anything.
Don't hesitate to call me. Aight?"

"Anything like what, Tip?"

He laughed. That laugh that I remember use to send shivers through me. Hi pitch
with that deep southern drawl. It was still cute.

"Don't let the shit that happened with that nigga Jarvis make you forget who I
am, 16. Whatever you need. I got you".

I laughed and then sighed, "Ok Tip.....I hear you".

"Aight..."

"Before you go" I said.

"Yeah?"

"Call Jarvis. He's been trying to get in touch with you before you cut him off".

He laughed.

"Be easy, shawty".

It amazed me how my heart could forgive people. I still thought he was a

homosexual. But even if he was. He was still one smooth ass nigga.

**
Chris had changed since he returned from his fathers funeral. He seemed really
distant. He was drinking a lot. And he didn't handle alcohol very well. He actually
yelled at me because I asked him a question he didn't feel like answering. It was
so unlike him. Chris wasn't an impatient guy. Not the Chris I loved.

But that Chris didn't seem to be here at the moment. Still, I recognized that it
was me that had to be patient and help him through this possible depression.
When i was at my lowest, he put up with all of my shit and refused to let me
wallow in my self pity. I had to do the same. I had to return the favor, despite
what he said. I had to be there for him like he had been for me.

So I didn't trip when he got snappy. I remained calm and still spoke kind words to
him. He'd apologize whenever he did snap at me, which I really loved. He knew
when he was wrong and wasn't the type that was too proud to say sorry.

We started having sex more frequently. It started off really sweet and gentle like
our first time, but as the repetition increased, the gentleness did as well. Soon, it
wasn't really love making. Just f*cking. It felt good. I liked it. But there was
something missing. Or should I say, someone missing. I was having sex with his
body. But my man was missing. That infectious kind hearted soul that I loved so
much. It was in the shell. But I was determined to wait until he returned from the
depression.
I met Rihanna at the the gym and I immediately brought up Chris as our first
conversation. I talked about him being distant. Him snapping at me. Him not
being as loving and passionate as he was before his dad dying. She seemed to
be concerned about something else.

"How's the sex?"

"What?" I asked.
"The sex. How is it?"

"It's fine?"

"Fine? Wow, that bad?"

"No. It's not bad at all" I said.

"No woman that loves sex with her man describes it as fine".

"Fine doesn't mean bad, Rih".

"Say you sucked a guys dick. And you asked him afterwards how was it and he
said fine. What that make you think the head was good?"

I thought about it. Using Carter as the example. If I sucked his dick and he said it
was fine?

"See. Thought so" she said before letting me even answer.

"Well, ok. The sex isn't bad, Rih. It's not really great. It's good....good sex".

"Good is just another way of saying fine. He eat you out?"

"Yeah. It's good too".

"Good? Uh Oh".

I laughed, "Girl good doesn't mean bad. It means good...."

"It means mediocre" she said.

"Oh, please. But why we talking about sex anyway? I was telling you about his
depression and stuff".

"I needed to see if he was at least satisfying you there. He isn't. So drop him.
You're too young to be stressing over him. He kinda sounds controlling too. I
don't like him".

"How do you not like him? You haven't even met him?"

"Just from your description. But whatever. Do you.

"He said he don't like you either. Say you are a bad influence on me" I laughed.

"See. Now I really don't like him ".

I had to hurry and switch the subject before my friend went in on my boyfriend. I
noticed this was starting to become a theme. It was really starting to get to me.
No one seemed to like that I was with Chris. The first culprit was the one and only
Nicki. She had something to say when she saw us kiss on campus right before we
met for a meeting.

"That's your boo?" Nicki smiled.

"Yea" I said, choosing to answer instead of ignoring.

She smiled, "Beyonce, I beem meaning to ask you. What did you use to get your
skin so light? I noticed you've been a lot more...light, lately".

"I get pale in the winter, Nicki" I said.

"It's prolly from her half white side" a girl said.

"And that comment prolly came from your dumb b*tch side" I yelled.

"Wow, Beyonce. Such foul language. Stay classy" Nicki said.

I left. I couldn't deal with that shit today. I couldn't deal with her. I called Chris
and told him what happened. He listened of course, that was what he did. But if
there was one negative about dating outside of my race, it was that he couldn't
identify with what I was saying.

"Just don't let it bother you. They are narrow minded" he said.

"I know that, Chris. But it still hurts my feelings. Like I have to go out of my way
to prove to them that I am black enough. Every step of the way. I'm questioned.
And then she says I am bleaching my skin? That really pisses me off".

"Why do black people think being light is a bad thing? Some of the greatest
African American leaders were light skinned. Are people only real black if they
have dark skin?"

"Chris it's a lot of history behind that. Why there is a color divide, especially for
black women. Light skin vs dark skin. Straight hair vs natural hair. Just a whole
bunch of stupid shit. And you can never win on his campus. And I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of all of the side comments about me being with a white boy on a black
campus. Why does it even matter?"

"I don't get why you let it bother you. It doesn't bother me" he said.

"Because you are not getting the bulk of the comments, Chris".

"How would you know, Beyonce? You know what I hear every single day? White
boy. That is my defining characteristic. That I'm white. And now, I hear the little
comments that I shouldn't be with you. It's reverse racism. But I don't let it
bother me. In the end, why should I care?"

"Chris I don't think you're really hearing what I'm saying. I'm black. I'm proud to
be black. But these people try to make you less than black. Calling me a wanna
be white girl. Saying Im tryna be white. Or I look white. It's degrading".

We ended up agreeing to disagree on the topic, which really made me feel even
worse. My man just couldn't see what I was saying because, as bad as it
sounded, he was still on the other side. He didn't see what I saw and he would
never be able to.

**

I had a plan. I refused to be ran out of my apartment by Stringer. He said he

wanted a date with Michelle and after that, he would reconsider the rent charge.
I didn't have anything to lose by putting this plan into motion. Worse case
scenario is that it didn't work and we were forced to move, like we were being
forced to right now.

Michelle agreed to a date with the man. At a fancy restaurant. It was no secret
that he wanted sex. Figured he could manipulate the 19 year old college girl into
sleeping with him so she could keep her apartment. It might have worked on
weaker willed women, but both Michelle and I were strong. And I had a plan. I
had a damn plan. We both got dressed to impress. I wore one of the outfits
Carter had bought me and Michelle wore something she had picked up around
Christmas. He didn't know I was coming and he definitely didn't know I was
coming with a friend.

She met him for dinner and the first part of the date began. She would flirt with
him and get him to say out loud what he wanted. We were recording the
conversation. And if that didn't work, we had a backup plan. I waited in the
bathroom for the first 20 minutes of the date to be up, which was when Michelle
was suppose to go to the bathroom.

She showed up in the bathroom on time.

"Well?"

"He wouldn't say anything out loud. Looks like Plan B is gonna have to do" she
said.

"Good luck" Michelle smiled.

"I got this" I said as I left from out of the bathroom and made my way to the
table. He was taking a sip out of his drink when I sat down.

He started talking before he even looked up but when he did see me he froze. I
looked around at the surrounding tables and winked my eye.

"What is this? Where is Michelle?" he asked.

"Look. We pay our rest. We've been good tenants. There is no explanation to why
the rent is being raised half a thousand dollars".

"It's being raised because I said so. Doesn't need to be an explanation".

"Then why did you tell Michelle you would reconsider on this date?" I asked.

"Because I said so. Doesn't need an explanation".

I saw he wasn't going to budge. He was harder than stone. But if he really was so
hard, than he was going to have to prove it.
"Look, asshole. We are not prostitutes. Just because we are young doesn't mean
it's cool to pick on us or try to bully us into sex. And since you like to pick on
people less powerful than you. Maybe you would have no problem picking on
someone you're own size".

I took a sip of my wine and stood up. I nodded my head at the table behind
Stringer and grabbed my purse. I walked away in my heels swinging back and
forth. I felt sexy. A dangerous sexy.

I turned around and say Tip, Smurf, and a big dude sitting at the table with a
horrified Stringer. I had no idea what they were going to say, although I made Tip
promise not to use any violence. I was nervous after the incident since I didn't
know if they accomplished their mission or not.

Two days later, we received a letter from Stringer. It was signed by Stringer
himself and it said our rent would not be raised. I screamed when i read it. That
was some gangster shit. I really had called a drug dealer so he could set
someone straight and it worked. Tip gained major points again, in my world.

**

"So have you heard from her at all?" I asked Rihanna as sat on her back-porch,
staring out at the rain.

"No. And I don't want to hear from her, Beyonce" she responded.

"You can't see yall ever coming back from it?"

"I don't need Maya in my life, Bee. So no. There is nothing to come back to".

"I still don't even get what yaw were actually arguing over".

"And you never will" she said.

"Are we back to this, RIh? Why do you say what I won't understand? You don't
even give me the benefit of the doubt".

"Beyonce. It's just a lot of shit about me that is hard to explain".

"Ok, and? I love you, Rihanna. I want to know as much about you as possible. But
you gotta stop thinking I won't be able to understand you".

She smiled and then rolled her eyes.

"So what do you want to know?"

"So it's true. You and her had sex".

"Yes".

"How did it happen?"

"It happened more than once" she said.

"Well how did it start?" I asked.

"It started off with Maya being my best friend in the entire world, Bee. The girl I
told everything to, because I trusted her. My dad once said I don't trust. Well it
ain't true. I have trusted. And Maya was the one I trusted with all of my heart.
Ever since she displayed her super power. And believe me. It is real" she
laughed.

"Oh I believe it. She figured out a huge secret of mine".

"And that's where the problem started. Her being so sure of that awareness she
has" Rih said.

"What does that mean?"

"Ok, Bee. Maya is a lesbian. But Maya didn't start off that way. She dated guys
just like I did. She got done wrong by some guys. And she decided, for fun, to
turn those same guys girlfriends out".

"Make them turn ghay?"

"Yeah, pretty much. She got off to the idea of turning straight women ghay.
Turning them out. And I was her first project".

I frowned up at this.

"Maya used her 'super powers' so decide that I was really bisexual and that I
would be open to sleeping with her. I would tell her no, I'm straight. But she
would insist that she knew the truth and that I was lying. And remember, she was
my best friend at this time. My best friend of 5 years. We did everything
together. Included drink and get high. But I started noticing, whenever we would
get high or drunk...she would start saying slick shit...and touching me on the sly".

I swallowed.

"Beyonce. I didn't want to sleep with her. She was my friend. MY FRIEND. My
f*cking friend. But she knew me. She knew my weaknesses. She knew I was
sexual. And she knew how I get why I was high. So she would wait until I got high
to start trying me. And one time, she put her hands in my pants and fingered me.
The shit felt good. I was high. I told her a bunch of times to stop, but she pushed
past it. I told her ass after it happened that I didn't like it but my stupid ass was
too blind to see that she didn't really give a damn about how I felt. She just
wanted to prove her damn point".

"That you were bisexual?"

"Yes. So again. Like weeks later. We're drinking. Pop some pills. I start tripping.
She starts touching me. I'm like, Maya stop that shit. She keeps going. And
Beyonce, at some point your body betrays your mind. I didn't want to do
anything with her but her touch DID feel good. And that night she ended up
eating me out. And I came. And I felt really dirty afterwards because I didn't like
that I had an orgasm from something I didn't want done to me".

"Rih. That is date rape".

"I know what it was. I know all too well that she date raped me. When people
mention rape. They only think of a big greasy sleazy nigga f*cking some petite
girl. But it ain't always like that. I was date raped by my best friend. And because
I came from it, she tried to convince me that I wanted it all along. That I was
bisexual. That our sex was just sex. I told her ass, how is it sex when I never
touched you? I never ate your pussy. I never sucked your tities. You did shit to
me. With me intoxicated.... All while I am saying stop and shit. She then uses the
one f*cking time me and her made out. She said that was the proof that it was
consensual".

"You and her made out?"

"Beyonce yes. One time. We did drugs every weekend. We experimented like
almost every other person does at least once in life. And that happened way
before she f*cking started trying to f*ck me. That was just some truth or dare,
spin the bottle type shit in 8th grade. That didn't mean shit".

"I believe you, Rih. I'm not accusing you of anything" I said.

"Beyonce, that shit really f*cked with me. Because I know at her core, Maya is a
good person. And I love her. She was my heart. My best friend. My sister. I
considered her my sister. But she got so caught up in turning straight girls ghay
and proving points and trying to show me that she knew me better than I did,
that she took advantage of the weaknesses I had. She did the same damn thing
the men she hates do to women. Gain their trust, find out their insecurities, and
exploit them. Just because my nipples got hard when you touched me or my
pussy got wet when you were in my face doesn't mean I wanted to f*ck you. You
are my friend. My sister. She wasn't tryna hear that. She thought because I liked
to be naked and that I was a flirty person by nature that it meant I was cool
having sex with her. ".

"Did you think she was doing the same thing to me?"

"Beyonce. I KNOW that is what the b*tch was doing. She was trying to turn you
out. From the beginning. Make you like her. Make you trust her. Introduce you to
drugs. Get you high. Compliment you. Flirt with you. Touch you. And next thing
you know, her hand is forced down your pants and her tongue is in your throat
and God forbids the x has you feeling horny because then she will say you
wanted it".

"Why didn't you just tell me, Rih?"

"Because it's hard. You don't know how hard it is for me to trust people. You
don't know. And I trust you. But I still struggle with just telling you shit. Iono. I try.
But it's hard to tell someone I was raped by a female. I feel retarded when I even
say it out loud. And I feel even dumber since that female was my best friend and
even after it happened I considered her my best friend. I went on....or at least I
tried to go on like everything was ok and that it was just sex. But I knew it wasn't
sex that I wanted. And I knew I had resentment for her for doing that to me. It's a
love hate thing I have for Maya. I just didn't want you to be put in that same
situation. I'm telling you. I would have murdered that b*tch if she would have
tried to rape you like that. I almost went off in the club. I almost grabbed a bottle
when I saw you rolling on that shit".

"Why did you let her stay with you? After all of this?"

"She just showed up at my door step. She had ran away to Chicago a few years
back. I thought I'd never see her again. When she showed up. I was happy to see
her. I was happy she was ok. I missed her. I love her. That's my sister. I guess I
just wanted to forget about that other shit. But seeing her try to do the same shit
to you. It reminded me. She hasn't changed. She never will. And I don't need that
in my life. Bee, you are the best thing to happen to me, believe it or not. And I
like you because you aren't a remainder of my past. I don't want you to try to be
like me because all it does is make me think I corrupted you. Stay who you are.
Stay that innocent b*tch".

"So quit life modeling?" I grinned.

She laughed.

"That's normal. Being naked is natural. Smoking weed is natural too actually" she
smirked, "But all that other shit? You don't need to pop pills. You don't need to be
cutting like I do. You don't need multiple sex partners. I mean, how many is your
ass up to right now?"

"Only 3" I shrugged.

"Yeah. That's how it starts off. Only 3. Then 4. Then only 5. Then 6. Then 5 again
because 6 didn't count. hen 10. Then 15. Next thing you know you say f*ck this
and stop keeping track. That's where I'm at. You don't need to ever get to that".

"Well the boy im with. I see us lasting. I don't see me having any other sexual
partners anytime soon" I said.

"Good".

"Rih?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"I know you said you didn't want to have sex with her. But was she right? Are you
bisexual?"
"Maya's super powers are real, Beyonce. Ima just leave it at that".

We lit a joint, got high, and watched the rain fall.

I found myself thinking about Pounders class. I didn't know it at the time. But I
was about to go through yet another transition in my life. My boyfriend disliked
my bestfriend and my bestfriend disliked my boyfriend. I should have sensed it a
mile away, but I didn't have that kind of foresight. I didn't know that the perfect
storm was developing yet again.
Chapter 25

Chris didn't like the photos, I could tell just by his lack of a reaction. Chris was a
lot of things, but emotionless was the last thing I'd label him as. His face always
revealed either an extreme high or an extreme low. I had dealt with more low
than high ever since his father passed. He attended the funeral back home and
returned supposedly ready to move on. I didn't buy it.

I remembered what Rihanna told me about not putting up with his depression
because I was too young to invest emotionally into it. But I could not consciously
forsake him while he went through the toughest period of his life, especially after
he was the biggest bright spot when I went through my rough patch. He was a
beautiful and fun person when he was his normal self, I just feared he would
never be the same after such an abrupt blindside of emotion.

He confided in me one night that he felt like he let his dad down because he
slacked off. He said he thought he was a disappointment. Spending his time
focusing on a dead end music dream instead of excelling. He didn't cry when he
told me this. He said it in the same monotone and emotionless state he was in
now as he looked at the photos I had taken with Carson, the photographer I met
at one of my life drawing classes.
Carson was still trying to get his business off the ground. He was in his mid 40s
and quit his full time job to concentrate fully on photography. He had a few
models he commissioned to take photos of, but he said of all of the models he
worked with, he enjoyed me the most. I would never consent to photos that
revealed my face, especially since these were pictures that would be going on his
website, but it was no problem for him. He worked around the issue by always
making sure I remained faceless and nameless in his prints.

Not all of them were implied nude pictures. He did an entire gallery of photos of
my hands holding apples. He even placed in a local contest with that as his
theme. I always saw what I did as a hustle, an easy way to make money on the
side without actually putting in tons of hours a week. But maybe for the first time,
I really did consider myself a model. The thought hit even harder when I had to
fill out my taxes and I realized I had made nearly 15,000 in less than a year, not
including what I made from private sessions.

The only people that knew about my modeling were Michelle, Kelly, my mom and
dad, Rih, and Chris. But the only people that knew I actually did nude figure
drawing was my parents, Rih, and Chris. He had originally said he was fine with
what I did. But I started to sense that he felt a certain way about it. It came out
fully when he looked at the 10 photos Carson had done of me the previous
weekend. I did these for him for free, as a favor since he had quit his job. Carson
had been a good guy for me. I had no issue posing for a few hours for him to help
really get his business going. It would no longer be something he did on the side,
it would be his career.

When Chris asked how much I made from going to Carsons home studio to take
the pictures, he looked dumbfounded when I told him I did them for free. When I
showed him the photos, he kept that same distant look on his face. I really could
no longer read this man.

"What's wrong with them?" I asked.

He shook his head, "Nothing".

"Then why won't you say nuttin?"

He finished casually flipping through the pictures and stopped at one that was a
full size photo of my breast. Just a close up snapshot of my breast, my nipple
dripping with moisture.

"How did he get it wet like that?" he asked.

"He has a spray bottle. It's like applying make up kinda. He just sprayed it a
certain way until the water looked the way he wanted".

He didn't say anything, just flipped to the last picture. A full frame photo of my
ass, one half of it tucked in the shadows, but the other half illuminated by green
light. It was my favorite photo from the shoot. I remember giggling as he set up
and explained the shot. He had long ago turned his garage into a studio but he
was having his upstairs renovated so he could have more control of the lighting
and such.

I still was weary when it came to going to peoples homes to do private sessions
with them and for that reason I always brought Rihanna with me. But I felt more
comfortable with Carson. He had photographed Rih and a few other girls from the
academy and all of them had nothing but positive things to say. My first few
sessions in his home studio were fine. He had already seen me naked for months
but I still felt weird in his home. He gave me as much space as I needed and
never rushed me. He also said he'd understand if I changed my mind. Rihanna
laughed at my hesitation and challenged me to do it, so I did.

Carson found humor in my shyness but acted as a total gentlemen the entire
time. Posing for photographs was a lot different than posing for art classes. For
one thing, in my figure drawing classes the dominant light was all natural. In the
studio, there were bright and hot lights totally illuminating my skin. But it was
more than just the lighting. The entire dynamic was different. I chose my poses in
the classes, without much prep if any at all. But with photography, I did what he
told me to do and there was a lot of prep and explanation for the shots. It took a
while, but I got the hang of it my first time doing it.

This last time, which produced the photos that my boyfriend were reviewing, was
one of the few times I did it without Rihanna there with me. The butterflies were
there initially when I disrobed, but they eventually went away as Carson calmly
spoke to me. The last shot ended up being the ass shot. For this shot I had to
stand on my tippy toes with my arms extended and looking straight. It was pretty
awkward to be naked and in this pose in someones garage as he snapped dozens
of pics while crouching on the ground right under me. And it made me laugh. A
very embarrassed laugh, but a laugh none the less.

He ended up spraying me down with water after I had lotioned myself so my skin
could be as milky smooth as possible, and we finished the shoot after the last
shots of my booty. Chris had never asked me much about the process for the
pictures. But I knew this would be the first time he'd bring it up, just by how he
was looking at the pictures.

"You didn't feel weird being there by yourself?" he asked me, breaking the
silence.

"Not with him" I answered honestly.

He laughed at this, his first sign of emotion. But it wasn't a laugh that suggested
he found this humorous.

"So you're comfortable doing to this guys house by yourself and having him
photograph you naked, in his garage?"

"Chris. You're making it sound like something it isn't. I'd prefer to have someone
there, but Rih was busy and Carson is a good dude, so I felt comfortable enough
to do it with him".

"I wish you would have told me this before you went" he spat.

"I just found out right before I was pose to go there. It's not like I tried to deceive
you and let you think Rih would be with me".

"Yeah well if you would have told me I would have went with you".

"Why???! Why are you acting so insecure all of a sudden?" I asked, raising my
voice significantly.

"So it's insecure to care about my girlfriends safety? Women get raped and stuff
all the time in a guys home. I just don't think you should go to anyones house by
yourself".

"You are acting like I need a babysitter or something, Chris. I'm fine. Carson owns
a business. He has a ton of models that give him nothing but great reviews. I
wouldn't just go to anyones house" I said, defending my behavior.

"But you would go to his? And do it for free? Help me understand what kind of
business arrangement is that" he asked.

I rolled my eyes, took the photos out of his hand and got up off of his bed. Here
we go, was all I could think.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I don't want to have this conversation. If you think I am f*cking the man then
please just tell me and stop pretending like you are concerned for my safety. I
prefer honesty, Chris".

"Are you kidding me? Excuse me for wondering about the motives of this guy. A
guy you says has a ton of models but constantly calls you for his private sessions.
A guy that you are giving free sessions for. A guy I don't know. And a guy you are
naked for. I trust you, Beyonce. But I don't know him to trust him".

"What is there to trust? What happened to the guy I knew that was so care free
and understanding? Wasn't it you that told me nudity wasn't a big deal? And now
you are acting like I am filming a porno or something".

"I said your figure drawing work wasn't a big deal. That is totally different than
you putting your trust in private sessions with middle aged men. I'm skeptical,
that's all. And you're getting defensive over me asking a question any guy would
ask".

I rolled my eyes again, "That's the problem. I never took you for any guy. I took
you for something different".

My mouth could really get me in trouble. I knew how to eat at the heart of
someone when in an argument. I had already gotten rid of my best friend
because of a feud. I was hoping to God I wasn't about to lose another one.

"I'm sorry for caring" he said, standing up with me and walking past me out of his
door.

Dammit. And now I had hurt his feelings. I sighed hard and followed after him into
the kitchen where he was drinking milk out of the carton. I didn't want to leave
with things like this. I hated the way things had started going downhill in our
friendship since we became a couple. We argued in ways I never thought possible
when we were just friends. And instead of sex bringing us closer, it had created
even more disputes. We had just got through having sex and I had showed him
the photos just because I thought he'd laugh at them, but not even 20 minutes
after him cumming inside of me, we were arguing. I hated this.
"Chris. I didn't mean it like that. I want you to care" I said, as he stood watching
me emotionless.

He didn't say anything.

"Baby, please. Can we not argue over trivial shit?"

"What about this is trivial? I have concerns that you just don't give a f*ck about"
he said.

"I care about them. I just wish you could trust my decisions and give me the
benefit of the doubt. I have discretion. I wouldn't just put myself into danger so
recklessly".

"Yet you are doing drugs" he said, which totally caught me off guard.

"What? Where did THAT come from?"

"I feel the same way. Seems like it came from your friend".

"Is that what this about? Rihanna?"

"It's about you doing stupid irresponsible shit, Beyonce".

"You're one to talk. You drove to my house drunk out of..." I stopped in mid
sentence.

I was about to say some shit I would regret. This conversation hurt because I
didn't expect it to come from him. Not Chris. But it was coming from him and it
hurt my soul. I started to tear up.

"Chris, please. What are we fighting over? Because I don't even know anymore" I
said, tears forming fully in my eyes.

I saw him scowl for the first time on our long standing friendship. I saw anger in
his eyes. He hurriedly walked out of the kitchen past me like he was late for
something. It scared me. I slowly followed after him, but kept my distance as I
waited to see what was going on. He went into his room and I heard him open his
drawer. One of my pictures had fell out of the folder onto the floor. By the time I
picked it up, he was back into the living room. We locked eyes for a few tense
moments before he slowly sat down on his sofa and motioned for me to come
over.

I walked towards my boyfriend and wondered what he had frantically searched

for. My tears had dried momentarily. I was hoping whatever he had for me
wouldn't continue our fight. At this point I was willing to throw up the white flag
just so this could boil over. This really wasn't worth fighting for. Carson wasn't
worth me losing my man. I sat down close to him and he took a deep breath. I
could tell neither of us liked that we had been at each others throats. It was
apparent something was wrong with us. It was apparent from our kissing to our
sex that something was missing.

"Remember, the first time...we almost...had sex" he said to me before grabbing

my hand. He held it tight.

I nodded my head.

"Remember how I spotted the symptoms of the panic attack?" he asked.

"Yes. You said your sister had them".

He nodded, "And did you ever wonder why she use to have them?"

I thought about this. I had never asked and he never volunteered the info. But
what did this have to do with us? He opened up a photo album and flipped a few
pages before landing on a family portrait with two kids and two adults. The two
kids were young, and I assumed it was Chris.

I smiled, "You?".

He smiled back, "Yes. My family. I was 6, here. My sister was 4".

I then saw his dad. Dressed in a military uniform and a bright smile on his face,
his daughter sitting in his lap. I wondered if we were going to talk about his dad
again.

"My sister. She was always a happy kid. Happy and energetic and trusting. My
family told me stories about when we were little, I would cry when other people
tried to hold me as a baby. But Gwen, my sister. Man. They say she would go to
any and everyone that reached for her. So friendly and easy to get along with.
You talk about me being a happy guy. Well she was an equally happy girl. Just
the way she was" he started.

He turned the pages a few times, stopping at pictures of them playing soccer and
then of them at her 7th birthday party and then of them at Disney World. He
seemed to be thinking hard as he turned the photos. Where was he going with
this.

"There was this guy. A neighbor of ours. I use to wash his car for money in the
summer. Nice guy. My parents trusted him and his wife. Well, when my sister
turned 16 she started to party a lot. Drugs. Drinking. And my mom had to always
keep an extra set of eyes on her. So she told our neighbors to keep a close eye
on her. One weekend, my parents went off to celebrate their honeymoon and
once again they had our neighbors keeping a close eye on our house. My sister
ended up getting arrested. She tried to call me but couldn't get me. The only
other person she thought to call was our neighbor. She called him, he ended up
getting her out and he made her a promise he wouldn't tell our parents. He said
that she would owe him one".

"What happened, Chris?" I asked, looking at the picture of the bright smiling girl
and then at Chris.

"Beyonce. People don't do things for free in this world. You know I'm an optimistic
guy. I don't think negatively. But I've learned. There are always motives. And lets
just say after my sister paid the guy back, she had panic attacks. And when she
got married, she couldn't have sex with her husband because of the attacks".

He turned to a newspaper clipping. The headline read that a teen confessed to

Exeter police that her neighbor coerced her into sex. I knew what Chris was
getting at now. The trust thing. The owing someone thing. The favors I was doing
for Carson. Chris had trust issues with people because of what happened to his
sister.

"Beyonce. I have to ask you. I didn't ask you before because I respected your
privacy and I know these things are hard to talk about. But. Your pregnancy. That
didn't come from....any sexual abuse, did it?" he asked, looking in my eyes.

I shook my head, "No, Chris. It didn't".

"I'm sorry for how I have been acting lately. I'm struggling to deal with things
right now. I understand if it's something you can't deal with" he ended up saying.

"Chris. Look at me" I said. He looked and I squeezed his hand.

"I love you. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm sorry for not taking your concerns
into consideration. It....it makes sense why you feel the way you feel".

"I love you" he said back to me.

My heart nearly stopped as the butterflies stormed through me.

"Chris. I'm not going to do anymore private sessions. Ok? I can just do the figure
drawing classes" I said, mostly out of emotion at that point.

"Beyonce you don't have to stop going" he insisted.

"I don't need to do that. I make enough money without it. And I understand your
concern. I'm willing to compromise" I smiled.

He returned the soft smile and we hugged. He kissed my temple and it was that
moment, I remembered why I wanted to be with him.

Rihanna couldn't understand why.

"YOU WHAT? Beyonce, tell me you are f*cking joking right now" she barked at me
over the phone.

"I'm not going to do anymore private sessions" I repeated calmly.

"Because of your insecure ass boyfriend?"

"No. Not because of him. I just..." I didn't know how to explain it.

"Bee, why are you letting this boy control your life? Remember the whole convo
we had about men manipulating people? That is what he is doing to you. You
were doing fine before you let this guy-"

I interrupted her, "I'm not letting him do anything, Rih. He expressed his concern
and I'm ok with not doing it. It's called communication and compromise, Rih.
Sorry, you can't see that".

"All I see is you still holding on to those archaic ideas about submitting to a mans
wants and totally ditching what you want. It wasn't even a month ago that you
were so proud of the photos you took with Carson. You even paid for one with
your face in it".

"You are being so extreme. It's not like I'm quitting everything. I'm just not going
to do the private modeling. Especially by myself".

"By yourself? Bee, you know I will go with you".

"I know but I don't like always depending on you to be free on a particular day".

She laughed, "B*tch you are just making excuses for this guy. Admit it. He guilt
tripped you and you b*tched out. But Ima just keep my mouth shut. Dumb ass
broads always end up bowing down their masters".

"Whatever. You have issues" I said before hanging up.

I knew when i told her she would overreact like that. She was always a ticking
time bomb and the thing that always put her over the edge is when she thought
a man was controlling a womans life. I don't know if it was feminism that did it to
her or that bullied abortion, but this topic always made her explode. And she
seemed to take extra issue with Chris. Chris treated me well. Yeah we had
argued some since his tragedy, but he never stopped treating me well. He had
taught me to love myself and my body all over again. It was Chris that had
helped me through my rough period, not Rih. And I hated that she was trying to
come between me and my man.

It reminded me of what Maya said. Rih wanting people to herself and throwing
tantrums until she got her way. I loved that girl, but I wasn't going to have any of
that. If she couldn't accept my relationship with Chris without such blowups, then
maybe I would have to distance myself from her.

Kelly and I had a pretty strong distance thanks to our little fight, but if I could
forgive everyone else in my circle, why couldn't me and my best friend since I
could remember patch things up? It was a matter of pride for both of us. But we
had to get over that. Could pride really destroy our friendship?

I swallowed my pride and wanted to use the phone call to Kelly to kill two birds
with one stone. Help me get over the fight I had with Rih and help bring my
friendship with Kelly back from the dead. I dialed the number and hung up after
only a few rings. I just felt weird calling her after all of these months of nothing. I
was thinking of calling her back, when I got the return call from her. For some
reason, I didn't answer, just let it ring. One missed call displayed on my cell and
then a few moments later it alerted that I had a voice message. I immediately
listened.

"...Hey. You called me and I'm calling you back" she said before the voice mail
ended.

So short and so cold. How could we be reduced to this? Playing phone tag? This
wasn't right. But I didn't know how to fix it. How was it easier to fix my broken
friendship with Jarvis than it was for the girl I grew up with? I thought about this
long and hard as I sat in bed and eventually decided to call her back, for real this
time.
"Hello" Kelly said when she picked up.

"Hey" I responded.

.......

"Wassup. Long time no here" she eventually said.

"Yeah. Like, Christmas" I said, trying to joke about it.

"Yeah...."

"....sooo...How are things with you and Quenton?"

"Good"

"The wedding still on?" I asked.

"Oh, the one in the court house?" she responded.

"Kel...please" I sighed.

She laughed, "You know I had to say it. That hurt, Bee".

"Well, you called me a ho" I commented.

"We both said things we ain't mean. But that ain't why I'm trippin" she said.

"What you mean".

"Bee. We've had little fights before. But never one that went damn near 5 months
before we made up. I'm trippin because we fought and...we were cool with it
staying like that".

"I wasn't cool with it, Kelly".

"But you ain't call. Just like I ain't call. We were both cool with it. That sucks".

She was right. We went on with our lives like it wasn't nothing. How did this
happen? Growing up we couldn't go but a few days without each other. How had
life changed so much, that we could live them apart like this? Was it men? New
friends? The new city? Had we grown apart? Grew out of our childhood
friendship? It was so puzzling how fast it happened.

"It does suck" I said.

"The wedding is for next February" she said out of nowhere.

"Where?"

"We're having it in Texas. Your mom is gonna cater it".

"Yeah she told me that but I ain't think it was gon be in Houston".

"Well, Q doesn't have much family. I don't have much family. But I do have a few
more people in Houston than he has down here".

"Well....I'm glad I know now" I said.

"....It's something else I want you to know" she said.

"What?"

"I want you to be my maid of honor".

I smiled when I heard this. Five minutes into our conversation, and I was already
hand picked to be in her wedding.

"You know. No matter what happened with us. I wouldn't miss your wedding for
the world".

"Unless it was at the court house, right" she laughed.

We laughed together. It felt good to laugh. We talked briefly about Solo being a
mommy and how she had decided to finish off her degree at FSU instead of
transferring to FAMU and then she asked about who I was dating.

"I have someone..." I giggled.

"Uhhmm. I know you do. Solo told me all about him".

"Damn. You and her been talkin or something?"

"Hey, I needed a Knowles to shoot the shit with, so her ass filled in nicely in your
absence".

I rolled my eyes but laughed, "What-Ever".

"So how you and him doing? Is this something long term?" she asked.

Before I could answer, I heard a child's voice in the background. I figured it was
Quentons child.

"Bee. I gotta go play mommy. Can we pick this up later?"

"Sure. We can" I said, slightly disappointed since right when I was going to finally
get to talk to someone about Chris and not be judged, she had to tend to her
soon to be step child. But I accepted it. This was what our friendship would be
like now, I guess. But it was better than not having her friendship at all.

**

One thing about my friendship with Rih was we made up quick. In fact, I would
think we were mad at each other or not talking and she'd come over the very
next day after a fight like nothing ever happened, just grinning and carrying on. I
wanted to stay mad at her, but I didn't. I couldn't. I loved her, at least when she
wasn't being so judgmental. We ended up having breakfast and then going to a
spa.

After a few minutes of her going on and on about how wack her last sexual
partner was, I shut her ass up and brought up the other night. She tried to
downplay it, but I was tired of her doing this in our friendship. Argue with me and
then think everything is peachy when she says it is. I set her ass straight.

"Look. I love you. You know that" I started.

She tried to interrupt, "Bee...im tryna relax"

I put my hand up "Uh Uh. Shut up. I'm talking here".

Her jaw dropped and she held in a laugh before grinning wildly and leaning back
against the steam room wall.

"I understand you have this way of communicating with people. You curse and
yell and b*tch and moan. Like a little spoiled brat. And then you think you can
charm and grin your way back into being cool with them the next day. I'm tired of
that".

"Bee" she tried to say before I stopped her yet again.

"Shut...Up! I'm not going to let you relax until you tell me".

"Tell me what?" she asked.

"That you are sorry for what you said".

She laughed hard, "Hell naw. I ain't sorry for what I said".

I side eyed her. She side eyed me back. I leaned in to her still eying her hard. We
had a little stare off. And then she laughed. I kept grilling her.

"What? I'm not sorry. I don't like him" she laughed.

"But you didn't have to say it like that. And you hurt my feelings".

"Beyonce. Everything hurts your feelings" she rolled her eyes.

"So what. I'm your friend. And if you love me, then you wouldn't hurt my feelings
like that".

"BEYONCE!" she screamed.

"Apologize. Right now".

She sighed hard and balled her first and then screamed. She was gonna have
these people thinking we were in here having sex or something.

"Ok. How about this. I'm....sor...."

"Sor?" I said, teasing.

She tensed her muscles.

"I'm Sor.....Sorry...."

"For what?" I smiled.

"...for how I said it. Not what I said. You happy?"

I bit my lip and thought about it. I didn't hear her apologize for anything she did.
So I guess I could accept this baby step. After the spa we went and got our hair
done and then decided to go out to the club. I guess the shit I said about
distancing myself from her was just that, bullshit. I couldn't give this girl up for
anything. I smiled as she stared in the mirror admiring herself. While I knew a lot
of chicks took forever in the mirror because they wanted to show off for other
women or impress dudes, I knew Rih's vanity wasn't because of any of that. She
was just a narcissist that loved the smell of her own pussy. And it was rubbing off
on me big time.

"Take a pic of me. Ima upload it to facebook" she said.

I smiled, "Conceited ass ho".

"Takes one to know one" she grinned.

I rolled my eyes and took her picture.

I got home from the club around 2 and surprisingly Michelle was still up. She was
usually an early to bed early riser, but she was on the sofa watching MTV, which
was another shocker. What was bothering her? I couldn't tell. We didn't talk
much, and after the thing with Stringer she felt a little embarrassed because she
had led him on. She was such a self conscious girl, especially when it came to
doing anything that could be considered slutty.

We both were church girls. Came from families heavily involved in the church and
that was what we originally thought our friendship would be based off of. But I
had branched out. I had turned out to be the wild child. Clubbin. Having sex.
Drinking and doing recreational drugs. Plus, I had only attended a church service
a few times since being in Tally. She belonged to a church a few blocks from our
apartment and was steering clear of the club scene. It was annoying on one hand
because I hated to feel like I was sinful and she was a perfect angel. And I hated
for her to think that was how things were.

But on the other hand, I admired her. I admired her strength. Sinning was such
an enigma. Sin was amazing. The sex, the drinking, the partying, the freedom. I
was denied from sin for way too long when I was home schooled. I had to get a
lot out of my system. And there was no way my boyfriend could have his own
place and my best friend could be as wild as Rih was and me not sin on the daily.
But Michelle was always a reminder. That what I was doing was wrong. And
where I was headed was wrong. And then I felt guilty. Like I was playing with
God.

I still believed in God although a lot of my friends didn't. It seemed like in order to
be considered intelligent, you had to be atheist as well. I was glad I had someone
around me that still read her bible and believed in being on the straight and
narrow. But my thing was, did Michelle always have to be on the right path? She
couldn't dance on the edges at least a few times? I mean, the times she went to
the club or to a party didn't really count because she didn't do anything. No
drinking, no mingling with dudes. I understood she was a nerd and all but I was a
nerd too and I still got action. She was cute. I was sure it would only take a little
push and she'd be out having fun like the rest of us heathens.

She didn't let many people get close enough to her for them to give her a push.
But I knew I had some sort of influence. I didn't want to be the only one in this
apartment going to hell, so I decided in my mind I was going to convince her to
eat from the tree of good and evil as well.

She was up for no particular reason, other than she was bored. We talked about
my outing and I said for her to come with Rih and me the next time we went out.
She wasn't with it, though. She didn't like Rih, I could tell. She was intimidated by
her. I use to be intimidated by her too until I got to know her. Rih was a big softie
just like any other girl when you got to know her. But Michelle I guess had her
own preconceptions that she couldn't get past.

The next few days I kept trying to convince her to go out with me. Her goody
good ass suggested something like go to the museum but I shot that down quick.
I told her that I was talking about going OUT and having fun. Her problem was
she found fun in too many school related things, like museums. I needed her to
find fun in things like penises or alcohol. This was COLLEGE for goodness sake.

"Shelle, do you even know what a penis looks like? Not no drawing from a health
book either" I laughed one night as we stayed in and watched a movie.

"Shut up" she grinned.

"I'm serious, girl. You don't get bored being in the house all night?"

"I find things to do. I have blogs to write and papers to write and articles to edit.
I'm busy".

"Michelle. I don't wanna hear that. I have a 4.0, right now. And I still have time for
fun".

"Yeah. And that's because you only work a few hours a week. I still don't know
how you be coming up with your half of the rent".

"I told you a million times. I model".

She rolled her eyes, "Uhmm. I still think you skrippin on the side" she grinned.

I laughed, "Shelle. You need a better conspiracy theory. There ain't even no strip
clubs in Tally".

She thought hard and then smiled, "Well. I guess you're right".

"Speaking of which. Why isn't there? I always wanted to go to one. Especially

since I'm in college. I wanna experience everything at least once".

"Well, its the state capital. Politicians here don't want that in their city".

"Girl, ain't there like a million strip clubs in Atlanta? That's the capital of Georgia"
I commented.

She laughed, "Well....Maybe that is where your butt goes to strip".

And then I got a great idea. Road trip. To ATL. She wasn't down with it when I first
mentioned it with her but I wouldn't take no for an answer. I told her we were
going to Atlanta that weekend and we would hit up a few strip clubs to get it out
of our system. And even though she b*tched the entire week about us doing it,
she had her bags packed and we were in my car headed there for the weekend.
The Spring semester was over. Summer was beginning. There was no way I
would let this girl be a square her entire life, at least not around me.

The first thing we did after we checked into our hotel was head out to shop. We
shouldn't have been shopping. The rent was paid but we should have been doing
more saving than spending. But we were teenage adults. We still had some
growing to do.

We bought shoes and purses and clothes and got cash back from our debit
purchases so we could have some bills for the strip club. The first one we hit was
this place Tip recommended called Magic City. When I asked him were there any
good male strip clubs he laughed me off and then said there was a Male Review
we could check out. Of course when I asked had he been there he said no. But in
dealing with the area since that was where he was originally from he said he
knew the entire city like the back of his hand.

I'd drove up there before but I had Tip on speed dial on this trip asking him for
directions to this and recommendations for that. By the time Michelle and I had
the strip clubs we were almost already past our budget. Fortunately, the dances
at Magic City were only 10 dollars, but the bouncer let us in free, presumably
because we were female. I knew it would be nothing but naked chicks in there
but I was still interested in seeing what it was all about.

I wasn't prepared for the guys to be hitting on me and Michelle, though. I mean,
they had naked b*tches shaking their ass right in front of them, but they found
the need to try to holler at us? It made no sense. But nothing really made sense
when it came to men. Michelle didn't have a fake ID like I did, but after I let a guy
buy me a drink I told her to sip from my glass. She was reluctant at first, of
course, but the more she saw everyone else getting loose, including me the more
she started to move her little shoulders to the hardcore hip hop music. She took
her first sip of my martini and tried to ease her way into the second one. She was
getting loose and I loved it.

We paid for a couple lap dance which was hilarious because those strippers really
were into giving two cute girls lap dances. I spent most of the time smacking ass
and grinning while Michelle looked wide eyed and shocked by the face full of
titties she was getting. We only stayed in there for about an hour, but I could tell
her mind had been blown by such dirty fun. She tried to play it off like she didn't
like it, but I could tell otherwise because she kept making comments about it,
even the next day.

"And that one girl. With the butterfly tattoo. On her butt cheeks. That was so...."
she started.

"Sooo what?" I grinned.

"Weird" she finished.

"Seeing them wings clap was weird?" I teased.

She shook her head and blinked her eyes, "What I saw, cannot be unseen".

Still, on our last day in Atlanta we went to a male strip club. Although it seemed
like I was confident in what to do, I really wasn't since it was also my first time in
a place like this. But being around Rihanna for a year had given me more
confidence in being in a club atmosphere. I knew how to work the bar, how to be
polite, sexy, but not have to f*ck somebody to get what I want. And being in the
strip club was similar, except with more attention being focused in on the stage.

This time around, the place was packed with women. Crazy, loud, thirsty ass
women. And after I had a few drinks in me, I was one of them, right along with
Michelle. Seeing her transform from goody goody to dollar bill waving heifer was
worth all of the money I had spent to go on this road trip. She still mostly did her
thing in modesty. She wasn't going crazy over male peen like the other chicks
were. Before I left, I had to do one more thing. I waved over one of the cuter
looking strippers, which was a rarity because most of the guys were all body, and
when he came over I whispered in his ear.

"Give me friend a special private dance. And make it special".

He winked at me and turned to Michelle who was sipping her drink like she did
this every weekend. She looked like she seen a ghost when the guy looked
straight at her with his arm extended. There were private rooms all over the
place, with a red curtain hiding what went on behind closed doors. She shook her
head right before looking at me nodding my head.

"Bee. No" she said.

"Shell. Yes" I grinned.

The stripper spoke up, "I promise to be gentle".

He was a 6'4 caramel colored man with dimples. He looked like he was hispanic
and black mixed together. I had to admit, I was kinda hoping I could get me a
special private dance with him too. But this was for her. She pleaded with me but
she reluctantly gave him her hand and he led her away. They walked a few steps
away from our table and she immediately dropped his hand and ran back to the
table. Damn, what was her problem.

"Michelle?" I barked.

She ignored me and took her glass and emptied it into her mouth before closing
her eyes and tensing up.

"I don't wanna remember this in the morning" she said.

I laughed hard ad she got pulled away. She returned 20 minutes later with the
most shell shocked look on her face. He was smiling hard. He ended up smacking
her on the ass and then rubbing my shoulder when he passed me to go towards
the bar.

I leaned in to her, "Was he good?".

"Bee. I got hit with it" she said, expressionless.

I giggled, "What?".

"His...penis. He waved it in my face....and...it hit...on my forehead" she said,

looking straight ahead.

"Did you like it?" I laughed.

"I need to repent. Right now" she responded, before I started laughing again. She
ended up laughing too before ordering one final drink before we left.

"You girls come again, aight?" Mr. dick-on-the-forehead said before we left.

Michelle ran outta there and I clowned her the entire way home. We left sin city
as heathens. And I loved it.
**

My relationships with people were getting better, much better. My relationship

with my man was at the top of the improved list. After a rocky first few months
together, things looked to be back to normal. I think what helped us out the most
was that Chris started getting more gigs all around Florida. With it being the
summer and him not taking summer classes, he had more time to travel and
perform. I told him that he needed to come up with a stage name because Chris
Martin wasn't exactly going to set the world on fire as an artist name.

He found his muse during this time, writing love ballad after love ballad, and
fortunately, none of them were called Stinky Apples. When he had a performance
in a club in Jacksonville, I drove with him so I could support him. Little did I know,
he would call me on stage so he could sing to me. He was such a damn
sweetheart when he wanted to be, and as cheesy as it was, his gestures always
made me feel special. Truly special.

He got repaid for it too, because I put it on him. There were times when we had
meaningful, soft and gentle sex, and I liked that. But the more sex I had, the
more I realized I was a firecracker in bed. I needed fireworks to fully be satisfied.
Chris didn't do any tricks or anything noteworthy, so I picked up the slack. I rode
his d*ck like a cowgirl, and would throw it back so hard, he'd grow weak in his
knees, and of course there was the amazing head.
I liked sucking penis. It was fun and empowering and I loved the feel of it in the
back of my throat, resting on my tongue. It was maybe my favorite thing about
sex, outside of having an orgasm. And because I liked it so much, I developed
techniques for doing it well. It started with watching porn and copying what I saw
that girl Superhead did, and then I just started doing what came naturally. The
spitting, the slurping, the deep throating, and moaning. And then making sure to
make eye contact with him while massaging his balls. I think I got too good for
him because he would cum so fast when I gave him head, I didn't even get a
chance to enjoy it. But I felt happy in keeping him satisfied sexually.

He tried. When he ate me out he'd put the effort in, but I'd have to coach him on
where to lick and how to do it in rhythm. His best attribute was probably how well
he sucked my titties. I remembered Carter being so rough with them, but Chris
was gentle. He also did it long enough to not just get his dick hard. He did it till I
was begging for him to f*ck me. The only problem was my orgasm was hit or
miss with him. Sometimes I came, but the majority of the time I didn't. I was still
happy he was getting his, but I felt bad when I had to fake like I was cumming,
before going into the shower and finishing myself off manually.

Rihanna didn't like hearing this. She already didn't like him and hearing that I had
to masturbate so I could cum more times than not really sent her over the edge.
She had tried to be civil in discussing him with me, but when it came to sex, I
tried not to get offended when she went on her tantrum. There were times when I
truly believed she only thought men were good for hard d*ck and hard orgasms.
Chris provided the hard d*ck, but the hard O's? Hard to come by, no pun
intended.

"I will just keep all comments to myself. I don't wanna hurt your feelings" she said
sarcastically.

"No. You giving me the stank face. So just say what you gotta say. Get it out of
your system".

"Nope".

"Pretty please. And be as mean as you wanna be. I wanna hear what you have to
say" I laughed.

"Trust me. You don't want to hear what I think".

"I'm asking ain't I?"

She laughed, "I think you are getting what you f*cking deserve for not heeding
my advice. I told you not to f*ck with that white boy".

"Why he gotta be a white boy? I mean damn. You act like you're black or
something".
"See? Told you. You already on the defensive" she laughed.

Touche. She was right. I was gonna defend my man.

"Ok, so he ain't the best sex in the world. What does it matter? Everything else is
perfect".

"Everything but the most important thing" she sighed.

I laughed.

"So tell me. You said he cums quick when you give him head?" she asked.

"Yeah. But that ain't a knock on him. I put it on him".

"Child, boo. What you know about putting it on a nigga? You only sucked what? 2,
3 dicks before?"

"3, thank you. And all of them....well, except one were satisfied".

She laughed, "Oh yeah. You're talking about Mr. Downlow".

"Yeah....I dont even think I should count that".

"I wouldn't" she grunted, "But anyway. Just cuz they cum don't mean they are
satisfied".

"Well, I know they were satisfied" I said.

"But how? What are the tell-tell signs, since you wanna claim you're such a pro at
it".

"Their toes curled up" I smiled.

"Don't believe the Zane books, Bee. That ain't the sign you look for" she grinned.

"Ok, then tell me. How do I know ?"

"You can't base it off of how they cum. Or what they do when they cum. Cuz girl
trust me. We are all retarded when we cum. You gotta base that shit off how they
act. A nigga doesn't want to lose a girl that gives superhead. They go bat crazy
trying to keep you around".

"So unless the guy stalkin me, then I ain't sucking his d*ck good enough?"

"Pretty much" she said arrogantly.

"Whatever".

"Be mad if you want to. I'm only telling the truth, girl. To keep a man, you have to
possess his soul. And the only way to do that is to suck the skin off his dick. Suck
the soul out of his urethra. Suck it even after he cums and is begging you to stop.
Suck it till he has tears in his eyes. Show him who the muthaf*cking boss is.
Break his legs down. Make him beg for mercy. You break a nigga down like that.
Show him you're a bad b*tch. Show him he doesn't run shit. And you will possess
his soul. Add a little bit of anal and some act right. And he's begging to marry
you. BEGGING. I know. I've turned down more than a few proposals" she laughed.

She had a menacing laugh when she got like this. But I liked it. I wanted a
congregation to say amen when she got done. Because she was preaching. And I
had to learn how to do that kind of jedi mind trick on a man. If I had done it right.
Carter would have never left me. And Chris would never leave me.

After she made me feel inferior when it came to sucking penis she got in her SUV
to go home but challenged me to take ownership of what was mine. She waved,
her little arrogant and cocky wave, and left.
I took her up on the damn challenge. It was poetry night at the one club Chris
liked to go to and we decided to go out. I got myself ready to take control of the
boys soul. We got dressed like normal. We took his truck because he had tinted
windows and once we got in the parking lot, I told him to stay put in the seat. I
was biting my lip the entire ride over in anticipation. The way Rih described penis
sucking made me want to get better and better and better. And I figured an
amazing way to put him over the edge would be to do it in a public spot.

He looked and me in wonder and all I did was lean over and unzip his pants. No
words needed to be spoken during this fellatio exorcism. He tried to talk me out
of it, kind of half halfheartedly like Carter did in the car, but I wasn't paying it any
attention. I pulled him out as he looked around and I did my usual thing. Like
usual, it only took a few minutes of me slurping him good for me to feel his knees
tighten and my mouth fill with his sweet cum. I swallowed it while continuing to
suck, remembering what Rihanna had told me about making it painful.

He expected me to stop. He thought this was the end of my spontaneous

behavior, but this was just the beginning. He struggled to free his penis from my
mouth but I kept sucking.

"Bee..Beyoncsay" he whined.

I ignored him and kept sucking. He made all kinds of noises. Moans and shrieks. I
couldn't tell if I was giving him pain or pleasure. I don't think he even knew. I
came up for a few breaths and stroked his moist dick in my hand before going
back down. After failing to remove my head from his lap, his arms stopped
struggling with me and fell lifeless as I continued. He had surrendered to my
control. First step.

My neck started to hurt a little but I pushed past it. I moaned as I sucked him,
which added to the lust filled atmosphere. He moaned, sounding like a dying
animal. Maybe I was literally killing him. Draining him of his life force. Because
after a few more minutes, he was grunting even harder than before as another
wave of cum rushed into my mouth. I was deeply overjoyed by this. I had made
him cum twice in 15 minutes. It tasted good too.

I could have stopped. I should have stopped. I had broken him down. But I felt he
could have been broken even more.

"Beyonce. Please...." he begged.

He was begging me to stop. But I grabbed the steering wheel and refused to
budge. My head kept bobbing and mouth kept sucking. Could I? Could I really
make him cum a third time? He was talking to himself by this point. Literally
going mad. Speaking gibberish. Rubbish as he liked to say. And his fight made
him taste even better. I deep throated him multiple times, almost gagging and
emptied my mouth of the built of saliva all over his penis. I looked down and it
was blood shot red. I doubted his penis had ever been put through something so
strenuous.

"I can't take it" he yelled out, as my neck started burning.

I didn't know if I would be able to continue at this pace, but I gave it my all, using
every once of endurance I had to finish the race for the third time. A car ended
up pulling up beside us and a group of men got out. I could hear them talking. I
didn't know if they could see inside, but something in me forced me to continue.
Maybe I had this wrong. Maybe I was the one becoming possessed.

"People" was all Chris could say as his legs tightened yet again. I moaned and the
vibration from it caused him to erupt into a third and final, exhausting orgasm.
There wasn't much cum this time around, but I swallowed the bit that did slide on
my tongue.

I had sucked him into three orgasms in 30 minutes in the parking lot. And even
though I did all of the work, we were both exhausted. We just sat there for
another half an hour, breathing hard, and drifting off to sleep. We had been in the
parking lot for an hour, and I was honestly ready to go home and go to sleep. But
Chris eventually gathered his composure and we made our way out. He could
barely walk and I felt woozy. My head felt too big for my shoulders. Was it from
the huge ego boost I had or because I was tired from 30 minutes of head? Maybe
both.

We enjoyed the poetry holding hands but I had to rest my head on him the entire
time. I was spent. The poetry club photographer snapped a pic of us around the
time it was time to leave. I didn't feel like going home. I was going to go back to
Chris' place and crash on his bed. Too tired to have sex. To happy to need sex.

I couldn't help wondering how much Rihanna had rubbed off on me and if I was
changing like everyone seemed to think. I had gotten Michelle to drink and go to
a strip club and now I was going all porn star on my boyfriend in a car. I wasn't
the innocent girl I always saw myself as anymore. And nobody in my immediate
circle thought I was innocent either.

Rihanna still thought I was being a pushover though. I ended up telling her all
about the miscarriage and how Chris was there for me. It was the only thing I
could say to make her see why I loved and needed him in my life. She was pissy
for a while because I had went this long without telling her I had been pregnant
but I guess she got over it. What she did end up saying was although Chris was
there for me, I didn't owe him anything. She said I didn't have to pay him back for
being kind and that I shouldn't forget about the feminist literature she had given
me. The stuff that talked about gender roles and letting men run my life. She said
I still needed to have an individual identity apart from him.

That stayed with me. And it bothered me. Since I started college, I felt in touch
with feminism. But I wondered if by caring to please my man and give up things I
enjoyed for him meant I was letting him run my life. Or that I was being a push
over. Nicki and her goons made a joke about it one time, saying I was bowing
down to messah. It messed with my head sometimes.

Was I losing my identity? Was I bowing down? Was I less feminist now? There was
one woman I knew that was well versed in answering these questions. I stopped
by Professor Pounders office during office hours even though I no longer had her
as a teacher. She seemed surprised to see me. I got my first B ever in her class.
But I knew why and I accepted it. I had missed class to be with Chris in his time of
need. And I missed a bunch of class participation projects. She smiled when I
walked in and offered me a seat.

I didn't even know where to begin.

"What can I help you with, Beyonce?" she smiled.

I sat down first trying to go over the things I wanted to ask. She was an
approachable woman but she was still a bit intimidating. She oozed that no-
nonsense attitude. I was hoping she would be ok with this.

"Um...I just had a few questions...."

"About?" she leaned in.

"A friend" I lied.

She chuckled at this and sat back in her chair, "Ok. What about your friend?"

"Ok, so she is a feminist".

She nodded her head.

"And...well. She was confused about if she could be a feminist and still be
submissive to the guy she is dating".

Pounder looked at me funny and then chuckled again to herself. She seemed
annoyed and amused at the question at the same time.

"Is your friend a post modern thinking girl?"

I nodded, "Yes. She was introduced to it....by...another friend" I smiled.

"So what makes...your friend think a feminist woman can't be submissive to a

man?"

"The whole patriarchal society thing. Wouldn't it be buying into that?" I asked.

"Why is your friend submitting to him? And in what areas of her life?"

"She gave up something she liked doing because he didn't like her doing it" I
said.

She nodded again, "I see".

"So...what does that mean..for my friend?"

"Your friend" she eyed me, "Shouldn't worry about if what she does makes her
less feminist. It doesn't matter. It's her life and there is no one way to live it. But
your....of your friends original question isn't one that makes sense. She shouldn't
be asking if she can be submissive and still be feminist. She should be asking can
she maintain her dignity and submit to him".

"What do you mean?"

"Do you feel like lesser because you submitted to him? she smiled at me.

"No" I answered.

"I meant your friend" she corrected herself in a grin.

I blinked away my trance like state and apologized, "I meant my friend. I'm
sorry".

She laughed again, "Well tell your friend that although feminism is liberating. It
can also be a prison if you let it control you. Tell her to follow her heart. Not what
any bitter b*tches, from any literature tells her to do".

I nodded my head and smiled. I loved that bit of advice. Even if I couldn't even
pretend for 2 seconds that it wasn't for me.
"Thank you Professor Pounder" I smiled.

"Anytime, Beyonce. Keep growing" she said.

**

The Obama campaign heated up in the early part of the summer, and of course
NAACP was right there leading the charge around Tally. A bunch of us printed up
Obama/Biden Tshirts and attended rallies in two different cities. A few of the girls
were in support of Hilary Clinton and her camp but most of us was for getting
that first black president in the office. It was interesting hearing everyone debate
first woman vs first black president. We actually discussed that more than we
discussed the issues. Chris once joked with me that black people were only going
to vote for him because he was black. I took it for what it was, a joke. But we
actually debated that same issue in a meeting about educating everyone on the
issues and not blindly following someone.

I felt some dissonance because I could rebuke those on Fox News that said blacks
were only voting for Obama because he was black, but when my own boyfriend
said it, even as a joke, I let it pass. I had to find out if Chris really felt that way or
if it was really just a joke. He cooked us dinner one night, nothing elaborate, just
some Jambalaya, and while we ate on his bed I decided to bring it up.

"If you could vote, who would you vote for Chris?"

"I don't know yet. But I'm leaning towards Obama. That Palin lady is stupid and
McCain is going to die any second now" he laughed.

"But what about the actual issues?" I commented.

"You have to remember Beyonce. I wasn't born here. But I do know the rest of
the world is tired of the country's shit. So they are looking for change. And a
change from the Republican party is what I think I'd go for. And from what little
I've heard of the two Democratic nominees. I like Obama better".

"And you sure you wouldn't have an issue with a woman as president?"

"I have no issue with queens" he joked.

"Yeah. Do you really believe blacks only want to vote for Obama because he is
black?" I asked.

"Not all. But a lot. I see it on this campus all the time. The hip hop rappers help
the cause a ton. I read that more young blacks are involved in the process. Has to
be a reason for that".

"And the reason is cuz he is black?" I asked.

He ate some some more of his rice while staring at the TV. I guess he couldn't
even tell I was getting a little annoyed.

"For the most part, yes" he said while watching the screen.

I ate the rest of the food without anymore questions. I felt really weird in my
stomach and it wasn't just the gas I had. We ended up laying in bed together and
he tried to remove my top but I told him I had to go do some homework. We
kissed and I left. Mad that my boyfriend believed something that would get me
ostracized by my peers and that it forced me to pass on sex for the night. I
should have at least got mine before I left.

When Obama came to Tallahassee for his rally, the city shut down and of course,
NAACP was present and supporting. Jarvis was really my only friend on the board
committee, but because he and Nicki were so close, she always ended up being
around us. I hated being around the girl. Everything about her was so phony,
from her smile to the wigs. But it hurt my heart that she was actually as
intelligent as advertised. She was a history buff and could name every past
president and vice president like it was her ABC's and she also had a deep
interest in the political process as a whole, which is why she was a Political
Science major. This was her lane, much more than it was mine, and as much as I
wanted to hate on her growing popularity, it was well deserved.

At least some of it was. The rest of it came from her being so outspoken and
dressing so wildly, from pink wigs to blue wigs and matching purses, she kept her
fashion game on point and ahead of the curve. Then you add that huge ass of
hers and every nigga wanted to hit it and every chick wanted to be associated in
some way with her. She was going to run for Student Body President the next
spring and from the looks of it she was the odds on favorite to win. With her
being a popular sorority which, no other female stood a chance. Jarvis seemed to
be her only real rival politically.

And with her status came the asskissing groupies that surrounded her. They
started to annoy me more than she did. One of them said something about Chris
at the Rally and the first thing I thought was, who the hell are you? I seriously
didn't even know the girls name and yet she was making comments about my
white boyfriend.

Carter was there, along with Rosario and Shaun, and they ended up overhearing
the little back and forth exchange between me and b*tch-I-don't-know.

"The man you are voting for is half-black. So what difference does it make?" I
said matter of factly.

"I'm not saying anything is wrong with it girl. I was just making an observation.
Stop being so defensive".
"Why make an 'observation' bout who I date? Black, white, whatever. Why does it
matter?"

Nicki stepped in, "It does matter when a black girl tries so hard to not be black.
Not that you are doing that. Just speaking in general" she smiled.

"What does it mean to try not to be black?" I asked, as Carter and a few other
faculty members looked on.

Obama was still yet to arrive, so most people were just chilling and taking
pictures and stuff. I guess they took it upon them to use me as a debate topic.

"Beyonce, sweety. Let's not act like this is a foreign concept.

"There are many black people out there that want so shed their blackness. They
talk different. They dress different. They date a certain person. Some of them
even bleach their skin and dye their hair blonde" Nicki smiled.

My jaw dropped. I had been experimenting with hair styles the past year. Mostly
just so I could express myself and find a new look other than the one I came with.
And this b*tch was trying to turn it into something else?

"And some wear colored wigs too, right?" I eyed her.

"I didn't know pink was a native hair color. I guess I missed that in biology" she
retorted.

Surprisingly, Rosario stepped in. She had been listening just like everyone else in
our vicinity.

"You get perms?" she asked directly to Nicki.

"Excuse me?" she asked.

"Do you, as a black woman, perm your hair?" she asked again.

Nicki just looked. Even she knew where it was going.

"So what if someone said you were trying to not be black because you didn't go
natural? Why can't black people have preferences?" Rosario asked.

Carter tried to step in, "Ro, let the kids debate this nonsense amongst
themselves".

"No, Carter. I'm just curious in this rhetoric. I haven't been involved in a good
debate since I quit the debate team. Back in Yale" she smiled at Nicki.
Ahh shit. That shut Nicki and her goonettes up quick. They looked at the lady
they probably never gave a second look at before this war of words and then
rolled their eyes.

"Miss. None of us are saying Beyonce isn't trying to be black. My friend just
pointed out something obvious about her and Beyonce just gets defensive over it
instead of discussing it like an adult. People noticed she looked lighter and she
got mad. People noticed, in a school of 99% black men, she started dating a
white one. And people noticed when she chose a blond hair style. These are all
things people notice and talk to her openly about. If we are honest, and we are all
an honest group of people here, then you will see that these are noteworthy
topics of debate. If Michelle Obama had blonde hair and light skin, people would
question Obamas blackness too. It just goes with the territory. And we all know
what I mean by blackness. A connection to your culture. And this is a historical
issue. " Nicki said.

"That's right" one of the goonettes said.

Carter looked down at Shaun and then sighed. Rosario held her smile.

"What is culture?" she asked.

Nicki laughed at the question, "Is that a rhetorical question?"

"No. I want you to tell me. What is culture. You brought it up. So define it for me"
Rosario smiled.

Nicki's smile faded for a bit as she tried to come up with a definition. I
subconsciously had allowed a smile to creep across my own face, watching her
squirm.

"Culture is the way we behave and live life in society. Everything from arts to
fashion to food is included".

"Ok, so what is black culture?" she followed up/

"It would take an essay to tell you that, miss. Not 5 minutes".

"Going to college, is that black culture?" Rosario asked, still smiling.

"Yes. Blacks in Africa had their own universities long before their encounter with
the West".

"Going to Ivy league colleges. Is that black culture?"

"No" Nicki answered, "That's a white institution".

"So W.E.B. Du Bois isn't apart of black culture?" Rosario smiled.

Nicki hesitated before Rosario added, "He's a Harvard Grad, and not to forget he
was the head of NAACP. But forget about that. Let me ask you this, is sorority
black culture? Greek life? Think about the name. Greek Life"

Nicki didn't have anything, she just eyed Rosario.

"Or how about this. Is Welfare black culture?"

"I know where you are going with this" Nicki started.

"No sweety. If you knew better, you would do better. You are too smart of a girl
to believe culture is monolithic and static. 'Being black' has nothing to do with
what you girls are in here arguing over. Being black is valuing yourself as an
independent person and being appreciative and aware of your history and the
context of it. As a black woman, how can you criticize a like skinned woman when
it was Rosa Parks , a light skinned sister, that helped inspire our civil rights
movement?"

"I wasn't criticizing her for that" Nicki tried to step in.

"But you did. You did. And in 2008, with everything going around us, it's no use in
having a crab in the bucket mentality. Worrying about who we are dating and
what our hair looks like. Cuz you know what I think is the epitome of blackness?
Helping people. Like the dozens of black girls Beyonce has already helped
because of her foundation. Helping your own instead of tearing them down. I
think that should be what we're focusing on".

She said a mouthful. And when she was finished, she looked down at her
daughter and then rubbed her shoulder. Nicki was speechless. For the first time
ever, this girl was speechless. Her friends were looking amongst each other
trying to figure out if what happened, really happened. And Jarvis was grinning
hard. Class dismissed.

Obama ended up coming on stage and we all cheered and had a good time after
that. And while that was a great moment, it was Rosario's speech that I would
remember. NAACP ended up going out to eat after the Rally, although Carter had
to do some work so his family didn't go. Before they left though, she pulled me
aside. I was nervous. She was a kind and gentle soul, but she was also living with
my first love. My desire to dislike her had been destroyed by her kindness.

"Thanks for everything...at the rally" I said.

She smiled, "Honestly. I don't know how you put up with it. I would have whopped
that b*tch's ass if I was you".

I laughed hard, I didn't expect that at all.

"I'm serious. If I was 10 years younger and didn't have a daughter that looked at
my every move, she would have got it".

"Wow" I said before continuing to laugh.

"Hey. Black culture" she joked.

I found it funny how she could switch between classy and trashy, and even
envied it. I struggled with maintaining a classy or intelligent demeanor when I felt
threatened. I'd either cry or lash out. I had to learn how to verbally assault an
attacker like that. Kill them with kindness, as they say.

"But really. I just wanted to tell you that I admire your strength. I think you're
doing a great job and I hate to see women tear down each other. It's why I'm
always trying to instill confidence and self-esteem in my own daughter. I fear how
bitter chicks will be toward her when she is an adult".

"Yeah. She seems like a really smart and confident girl. I can see where she gets
it from" I smiled, but thinking about how she was more of a smartass than
anything.

"Yeah. She's smart, alright. A little too smart for her own good. But I think she
gets that from her daddy. And her talents. I didn't have much talent".

"What talents?" I asked.

"She sings. All that girl does is sing".

I laughed, "Carter sings?"

"Oh no" she laughed, "His family played music though. They were all musicians.
Shaun sings and she plays piano too. Carter and her play together all the time.
She actually has her first recital in a few weeks".

"Really? That's really cool. Like the next Alicia Keys" I smiled.

"Don't tell her that. She already had a big head".

She had been talking to me by the entrance of the restaurant while Carter and
Shaun got their car out of the packed parking lot. He ended up pulling up next to
us and blowing the horn. I looked right at him. He looked at me hard. I melted. It
was so hard trying to cleanse him out of my system. It was impossible to just
forget everything that happened between us. I could never forget.

"Hey...speaking of which. How would you like to come?" Rosario asked, breaking
the trance.

"Come? Where?" I asked, confused.

"To Shaun's recital. It's going to be at a park. I'm still learning the names of
everything down here, but the big park. They are having a youth musical. Carter
entered her in the contest. You should stop by" she said.

"Ro. Come on, I'm holding up traffic" Carter yelled.

She turned around, "They can wait!" she yelled back.

She rolled her eyes, "So. How about it?"

"That sounds good to me" I said, not wanting to turn her down.

"Here. Call me" she said as she dug in her purse for a pen.

Horns were blowing and people were yelling but she didn't seem to care. I guess
at this point in her life, the world really did wait for her. She wrote down her
phone and told me to call her for details. We exchanged good byes and she left
with my first love and their child. I felt conflicting feelings about the entire
exchange.

Why was she so nice to me? Why did she pull me aside so much to talk to me?
Could I really trust her? And even if I couldn't, why did I like her so much? I called
a few days later, and she gave me the exact details for the musical. I decided to
bring Chris with me so keep things less awkward. I hated to feel like I was pissing
Carter off by interacting with her. But what could I do? I wasn't initiating these
encounters, she was.

When Chris and I came to the event, it was the first time Carter got a chance to
see and him holding hands. I was so self conscious of it. For the first time, it
wasn't because he was white. It was because I was holding hands with one guy
while I was still in love with another. I felt so confused and so guilty. I loved Chris.
He was my best male friend by far. I trusted him. I really trusted him. But I
couldn't just turn off the feelings I had for Carter. Everyime he looked at me I felt
a burn. Everytime he spoke to me I got butterflies. I briefly regretted even
coming.

Rosario seemed happy to see me. She shook Chris' hand and then told me Shaun
would be coming on in a few minutes. There were white chairs outside in rows
and a stage up front. Rosario and Carter were already seated when we came. She
told us to sit right next to them.

She initiated most of the small talk while Carter just watched. He asked a few
questions, like how we were doing in school and if we were going to take the
entire summer off. But inbetween the small talk, me and him kept looking at each
other. It was intense; the back and forth. But it never lasted more than a glance,
because neither one of us wanted it to be obvious. I had my man with me and he
had his childs mother with him. We had to keep whatever unresolved emotions
we had under control.

When Shaun came on stage, that became a little easier. I just focused all of my
attention on the little 12 year old. She was so pretty, that was the first thing I
noticed. I could tell she was just starting to develop physically. She was going to
be a damn fine woman when she reached adulthood. Rosario was clapping wildly
when she was brought to the stage. Carter just watched, without much reaction. I
looked at Chris who was mesmorized by it. He was a musician himself, so he liked
to see others perform. It was partially why I was able to convince him to attend.
That and the blow-job I gave him a few days before.

Shaun looked nervous. She was such a confident girl from everything I had seen.
But I figured this was new territory for her. To perform in front of strangers. To let
them hear her voice. I remembered the first time I stripped in front of strangers
and the anxiety I felt. It wasn't the sing thing obviously, but I think there were
some parallels. Knowing the spotlight was on you and everyone would be able to
pick at your flaws. It was always a humbling experience. And I know it had to be
even scarier with her dad watching. I glanced over at him right before she
started. He eyes were dedicated to his daughter. I smiled to myself. He really was
getting the second chance that he wanted.

"I'm...I'm going to sing 'The Best Day', by Taylor Swift. And I'm dedicating it to my
mom. She is my best friend" Shaun spoke into the microphone as she sat down at
the piano.

I wasn't sure what to expect from her singing. But her voice was shaky when she
began. She was looked like she could start crying at any moment. But she
pushed past it as her fingers slowly played the keys. I could tell the first few keys
were off and I cringed. But she pushed past it. Her voice elevated past the shy
and nervous noise that first escaped from her vocals. Now what remained was a
passionate and painful young voice. One that matched the pain and passion of
her beautiful face. She was singing from her heart and it touched mine. I could
tell it was touching everyone in the audience. But it touched no one more than
the person she was singing to. Her dying mother.

It's the age of princesses and pirate ships

And the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart
And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you were on my side
Even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn't know if you knew

So I'm taking this chance to say
That I had the best day
With you today....

By the time she finished, there wasn't a single dry eye in the seats in front of the
stage.

Rosario was rushed to the hospital 2 weeks after the day at the recital. Her heart
was failing. I didn't understand all of the medical talk but the consensus was that
she didn't have very much time at all left. She was dying and nothing was going
to stop it. Carter emailed me the info, which hurt. I wondered why he didn't call
me to tell me but I didn't have time to dwell on it. I barely had any connection
with this woman, but even in our brief time knowing each other I had developed a
difficult to categorize bond with her. And poor Shaun. I couldn't even bare to
think about losing my mother at that age.

I didn't want to tell Carter I was visiting her in the hospital so instead I called the
hospital directly and got her room number. I wanted to visit her. I felt I was
morally obligated to visit her. Not because I would feel guilty for not visiting, but
because I would be guilty for not visiting. I owed her the visit. I told Chris and he
accompanied me to the hospital. The same hospital I visited when I had my fall.
The fall that potentially caused my miscarriage.

I really disliked hospitals now because they made me sick to my stomach. The
last time I was in one, I was in the bathroom passing bloody tissue on the floor,
feeling broken. Chris had picked up the pieces but the smells and atmosphere of
the hospital still gave me vivid memories of my emotional state. No one ever
knew the extent of my state then. But I was mentally and emotionally unstable. I
was literally one more bad stroke of luck from giving up and losing my mind. I
was happy that my luck never got that bad. But happiness was the last emotion I
felt as I took the elevator with Chris to room 210.

I asked the nurse to ask Rosario if I could come in and when she returned, she
told me her daughter and husband was in there with her. Carter wasn't her
husband, but I could see how the nurse would misinterpret the setting. A few
moments later, Carter met me outside of the door. He didn't look too enthused to
see me and Chris there.

"Hey...is she...alert?" I asked.

He looked at me for awhile. My heart raced because I started to feel stupid. This
wasn't my family. This was his family. And I was invading. But, why would he
email me and tell me where she was if he wouldn't be ok with me visiting?

"She's alert" he responded dryly.

We locked eyes. I knew then. He didn't want me there.

He moved aside and Chris and I walked in. Rosario was hooked up to all kinds of
things like monitors and IVs and oxygen. She smiled when she saw me. She
didn't have the same cold eyes that Carter had. She looked happy to see me. I
didn't really know what to say but she took care of it. She asked how I was, which
seemed really backwards and said she was happy Chris and I came to see her.
Shaun looked on at us like we were foreigners. But she didn't say anything. Just
sat and observed it all.

I hated the feeling I had inside. She was dying. But instead of tons of doctors
rushing in and out and trying to save her, everyone had accepted her fate. It was
inevitable. It seemed they were just all sitting around waiting for it to happen.
And the wait was torture. How can you wait around for someone to die? Just sit
and watch them as they die. Not from a gun shot, or a severe injury. But
something we couldn't see. A silent killer. Something not even the best doctors in
the world could fix. Hopeless was an understatement.

No one was saying much, except for Rosario. She was the only one that seemed
to be in any kind of high spirits. It was weird how the one dying could accept it
before the people who would go on without her. She eventually said she wanted
to talk to me alone. This shocked me. What in the world did she have to say to
me, and me alone? Carter looked equally as shocked. But she got her wish. Chris
said he would go get something for her from the gift shop and Carter and Shaun
said they'd go get lunch. When they left she told me to ease the door shut.

My heart was thumping hard against my chest but I did was she asked. I
wondered what she had to say. But intuition already had long ago told me we'd
have this conversation.
"I'm glad you came to see me, Beyonce" she smiled softly.

"Well....it was the least I could do...when Carter told me you were in here...I
mean, I hoped you wouldn't feel awkward about me seeing you like this".

She was picking at her IV. And her smile developed into a small frown. Tears also
seemed to form out of nowhere. Her entire face had transformed in a matter of
seconds. Had I said the wrong thing?

"Beyonce. I have to be honest with you" she said, looking off in the distance
before turning her attention towards me.

I swallowed.

"I know" she smiled, as a tear rolled down her cheek.

I felt goosebumps cover my entire body. I was covered in them. I shivered from
the meaning of her admission. But I had to clarify. I needed her to clarify. What
did she know?

"Know what?" I said soft and pitiful.

"I know you love him. Shawn" she said.

My own eyes started to water. Was this written on my face or something? How
did these people know this? And what did she think? Had he told her?

"...huh?" I said, as I started to get dizzy.

"You have the look of a woman deeply in love, Beyonce. Both you and Shawn
have that look. And I noticed it the first time I saw you two together. I know the
look. And I know he loves you just as much as you love him".

"Did...did he?"

She stopped me "No. He didn't tell me. He did everything he could to hide it. But I
could tell. You can't hide love".

I was afraid. I heard what she was saying but I couldn't yet tell how she felt about
it. Was she angry at me? Angry at him? Surely, she had to feel some anger
towards someone about this.

"...I don't know what to say" I said, ashamed I had been found out yet again. I felt
naked. A strangely familiar feeling. I was growing use to being put on display in
front of the public. Examined like a novel protagonist.

"You don't have to say anything, sweety. I'm not mad. Well. Not anymore" she
snickered.

I forced a fake laugh but I continued to look at her. She asked could I hand her a
bottle of water because her throat was dry. When she had struggled with a few
sips, she looked back at me.

"My daughter is going to be without a mother soon, Beyonce" she sighed, the
tears now coming down her face in bundles.

I couldn't help but start to cry too. I hated it.

"I don't mean to make you cry" she said, wiping her eyes.

"It's ok" I said, forcing a smile.

"Beyonce. I needed to find out who you were. When I saw how caring Shawn was
for you. WHen I sensed how much he loved you. And I knew this wasn't just some
teacher/student fling. I had to find out what was it about you that he loved so
much. I had..." she stopped in mid sentence as the pain of holding in tears
started to get to her.

We were both a wreck. A train wreck of tears.

"I had to see...if I could trust him...if I could trust my daughter.....with you" she
cried.

I wiped my eyes. I really was speechless.

"I may be out of line, Beyonce. And I'm sorry. But I want you to know....I think the
one you call Carter...I think he fell in love with a beautiful person...and you should
follow your heart".
I cried like a baby. She motioned for me to come over and she held my hand. We
didn't talk anymore about that. But I think we both felt at peace about a few
things. Never had I experienced such an unexpected bond with someone. I was
thankful for it.

I felt weird when I left with Chris after she all but gave me her blessings when it
came to me loving Carter. I didn't even give Carter eye contact when me and
Chris walked past him and Shaun. I held my mans hands. He held his childs
hands. We were all holding on for dear life in this emotional roller coaster.

Rosario requested and was granted a release from the hospital so she could
spend her remaining time at home. She died 3 days after her release from heart
complications. Her will stated that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes
spread into the ocean. I cried for hours when I got the news. I stayed locked in
my room so Michelle wouldn't pry and wonder why i was crying. No one would
understand why I was crying over the death of my teachers ex girlfriend. It
wouldn't make sense to them. It barely made sense to me.

The funeral was held up north where her family could all grieve together. That
afternoon in the hospital was the last time I saw her. But it wouldn't be my last or
more memorable thought of her. I would always remember the way she stood up
for me with Nicki. I would remember her smile and her quick intelligence. I would
remember her thinking I was a beautiful person. And when I saw her daughter, I'd
always remember her.

I ended up getting a late night call from Carter on the day of her funeral. He was
still in Connecticut. He said he had been thinking about me.

"I'm sorry about how cold I have been toward you...Bee".

"Carter. I understand. It's been tough on you. And Shaun. How is she doing?"

"She's a fighter. Just like her mom. I'm proud of how she has handled it".

"How are you handling it?" I asked.

"I'm being strong for her".

"But how are you handling it, Carter? You".

He was silent for awhile. I knew it was a tough question.

"I'm not that good with dealing with loss, Bee. Ever since...my brother...I just dont
get close to people. Me and Rosario lost contact through the years. But she was a
good person. It hurt to see her like I had to see her. But I'm glad she isn't in pain
anymore. Just waiting to die".
"She did seem like an amazing person. It's a shame you never wifed her" I joked.

We both shared a little laugh. I hadn't laughed with him in so long. It felt
wonderful to laugh with him.

"She was a good friend. But it just wasn't meant to be...you know" he said.

"Yeah" was all I could say.

"Bee. It's good to talk to you again" he said softly.

"Good to talk to you too. Even if it is 1 in the morning".

He chuckled. I loved his hi pitch laugh.

"You know...Shaun asked about you...she asked why didn't you come...to the
funeral".

"Carter I couldn't just go up there...-"

He stopped me, "I know, Bee. I know. I'm just saying. I guess she thought you
were going to come too. You know how kids are sometimes" he said.

I nodded my head even though he couldn't see it. I felt something at that
moment. Something strong. Sure, I loved Carter. But Rosario's last words stuck
with me. Love sometimes meant being selfless. Love a lot of times meant letting
go. And I had to let go of this. I had someone I was growing with. Chris was my
future. Carter had his future. I had to follow what my heart was telling me. And it
wasn't telling me to regress into the unhealthy relationship I was in when Carter
and me were f*cking all over the school.

"Shawn" I said.

"Yeah?"

"You did the right thing".

"What you mean?" he asked.

"That night. The night I fell in your driveway. And the conversation we had in the
car. It took me a while. But I know now. You did the right thing".

"Sometimes I think I didn't" he responded softly.

"Trust me, Mr. Carter. You did. And your daughter will forever love you for it".

There wasn't much else for us to say after this. We said our goodbyes and hung
up. I called Chris and he told me a few jokes that had me laughing. His voice
helped put me to sleep. And I didn't feel guilty anymore when I did.

Chapter 26

Obama won and we partied like cancer had been cured, world hunger ended, and
Jesus came back. It was such a fun time to be at a predominately black school.
The campus was always alive, but Wednesday morning was filled with activity. A
lot of kids from Florida State had come over as well, including dozens of the
football players. A HBC was the place to be with the first minority being voted
into office.

I personally had dedicated the entire month of October to the cause. Handing out
pamphlets, helping people get registered, speaking at different places, and
speaking the word on social networking sites like twitter and facebook. Social
Media was starting to become the number one tool a person could use to
promote and campaign and our professors were telling us to embrace technology
and the benefits that came with it.

The kids at FAM used facebook to promote the Obama party they had planned for
Friday. Gotta love technology. Carter had an idea that we should raise funds so
we could go to the inauguration in D.C. So in our next meeting we discussed how
to get the funds so we could all fly out there for the historic event. Most of us
were thinking of elaborate money raising drives that would never work. Nicki
stated we should do something simple; a car wash.

One car was wouldn't have been nearly enough so we decided to have a car
wash three saturdays in a row. We decided the only way to get traffic was to do
like the cheerleaders did on Bring It On. We wore bathing suits, in the middle of
November, and washed cars. Florida's November wasn't that bad, the
temperatures were mostly in the 70s , but it was still weird washing cars in
bathing suits near a store with Christmas decorations up.

We raised a good amount of money and Carter made a donation for the rest and
in January we made our way out to D.C. to see the President sworn in. I knew it
would be cold, but I didn't know it would be freezing out there. I had to go
shopping for warmer clothes as soon as I got there. But it was worth it. I shed
tears. I would always have this memory and would be able to share it with my
children and grand children and hopefully great grand children.

Since Rosario's death, me and Carter had patched things over and were very
cordial with each other. There was still obviously feelings there, but we were
being mature about them. No flirting. No bringing up the past. No prolonged eye
contact. It worked well enough. We were able to pretend that all we were and
ever would be, were teacher and student.
Seeing D.C. and the monuments and the history behind the political heartbeat of
the world really inspired me. Jarvis had convinced me to be his Vice President
when he ran against Nicki. I mean, there were other candidates running, but
everyone knew it was going to come down to those two. Jarvis had excelled as
President of NAACP and he was Greek and popular enough, and then Nicki was
Nicki. I thought we had a great shot of winning, but after returning from the
Inauguration, Jarvis felt otherwise.

Apparently Nicki had told him straight up that she wasn't going to hold any
punches when it came to the election. They were friends. Hell, she had even once
f*cked him. But she was willing to do anything and everything it took to win.
Including discrediting or embarrassing her opponent. Jarvis wasn't one to back
down and he was up for the challenge, but there were rumblings everywhere
from the higher ups on campus that the Greeks wanted a woman to be President.
This was suppose to be an objective, resume based election. But we all knew it
was bullshit. The game was rigged.

People picked sides long before votes were cast and those not in the plans of the
Greek consensus had no chance. Even though Jarvis was Alpha Phi Alpha and had
all of the credentials, he was hearing he had already lost before it began. They
wanted a woman to win this go around, which is why every candidate on the
ballad was female. Politics, politics.
I tried to be the voice of reason and get Jarvis to stick it out, but he called me one
afternoon and told me he wasn't going to run.

"Jarvis, are you serious? You b*tching out a month before the election?"

"Bee. This is all a game. And the game is rigged. I'm not putting all of that energy
into a losing effort. There is no point for me to run" he said.

"I can't believe you are just going to let her win. Didn't you just tell me you were
fed up with her shit and now you are just going to let her win?"

He laughed. What did he think was so funny.

"Bee, I didn't say I was going to let her win. I said I wasn't going to run for
president".

"You have me all kinds of lost" I said, while I sat on the toilet to pee.

When the pee hit the water, he picked up on it.

"B*tch are you pissing while talking to me on the phone?" he laughed.

"No" I lied.

He listened in some more and heard more pee hitting the water.

"Lying stankin pussy ass, ho" he said.

I laughed, "Shut up. Just tell me what you are talking about, nigga".

"I'm talking about YOU, b*tch".

"Me what?"

"Damn you are slow" he laughed, "I'm talking about you running for President
and me backing you up as the Vice".

Hearing that caught me so far off guard that I accidentally farted when he told
me.

"B*tch...do not...just tell me you just pooted....damn you nasty" he said, this time
not laughing.

"That was my shoe, boy. What you mean me as president?" I said, trying not to
laugh at my accidental release.

"Man, you sure you ain't gon shit when I tell you? Do I need to call you back?"
I wiped myself and stood up.

"I'm done. Finish".

He laughed, "Ugh. Anyway, before your stankin ass interrupted..."

"Let's not talk about stankin ass. It didn't smell to fresh up in Tips house that
night I came over" I barked.

"It was prolly left over residue from your sour pussy" he laughed.

"Nah, it smelled straight up like ass in there".

"You lying. You came over before it got to that. We was doing other stuff" he said.

"ILL! Yuck. Bad image" I laughed.

"Anyway, can you be serious for one second? I'm trying to be mature and shit,
right now" he said.

"Speak your mind. I'm listening" I said, as I checked myself in the mirror before
leaving my bathroom.

"They are going to vote a b*tch into office. They are going to vote a popular b*tch
into the office. You are a popular b*tch. A lot of hos like you, and a lot of niggas
like you too. You are good for a good majority of the votes. The only problem is
you ain't in a Sorority".

"And what's the way around that? You are the one that told me non-greeks never
won anything".

"That's because there never is a Greek and non-Greek on the same ticket. But if
I'm your Vice, I can get a lot of people in my Frat to vote for you because I'm
backing you. All we really need to do is compete with the party that Nicki is about
to throw. It's really a simple ass process this year. Biggest party, and biggest ass
is gonna win".

"Well her ass is bigger than mine" I said sarcastically.

"But we can make your party bigger to even it out".

"And what about the issues, Jarvis? The issues?"

He laughed, "Nigga you know these students don't give a shit about any issues. I
mean, we just roll with the same agenda we had when I was gonna be President.
And instead of my pretty face all over the flyers, we'll have your ass cheeks
painted on the front".

I laughed, "Or how about my pretty face?"

"You trying to win, ain't you?" he joked.

"Shut up".

"So are you in?" he asked.

"I don't know, Jarvis. It sounds good on paper and all. But you and I both know I
can't win vs that chick. She got too many goons that hate me".

He laughed, "Are you seriously afraid of that ho?"

"No. I'm just a realist. I was cool running as your Vice, but I don't feel like being
talked about and hated on and all that. And you told me she is prepared for the
dirty blows and vicious rumors. You think I want her focusing all of her energy
into spreading dirt about me?"

"Bee. It won't work because she doesn't know you like that. She knows me. She
don't know your ass. Only thing she can use is the same shit she says every other
day. You're a white girl. You have a white boyfriend. You are spoiled. All things
that are true, but anyway" he laughed.

"I don't know. I'm really not trying to go there with her. It's my junior year. I'm
trying to stay out of trouble. I got a feeling Ima end up fighting the girl if she
starts some mess about me".

"And if she do, then you got a justifiable reason to beat her ass. But till then,
don't you wanna be the first chick to put that girl in her place? Trust me,
Beyonce. You have that it factor to take her down. A month of campaigning and I
promise. You're gonna take that b*tch down. You down?"

I thought about it. I really didn't think I could win. Too many odds stacked against
me. The hate I got around school for no reason. Not being in a sorority. The white
boyfriend thing. The fact that it was going around that I had dissed Tip so I could
be with Chris. It was just too much.

But then I remembered the rally. And I remembered Rosario. And I remembered
how she put Nicki in her place. That look on her face. That blank, defeated, lost
look on Nicki's face. I wanted to see it again. I had to see it again.

"Ok. I'm in. What I gotta do?"

"Change our ticket first thing tomorrow morning" he said.

"Cool".
"Aight. I'm bout to get up in this chicken salad. I will hit you up later tonight,
aight?"

"Ok........Wait....Jarvis?"

"Yea?"

"You really think we can win?"

"Did your pussy run off a nigga in a movie theater?"

I laughed, "Bye. Nigga".

He laughed, "We got this Bee. Trust me".

**

Kelly moved her wedding to early January so they could have their honeymoon
over Valentines day. It wasn't a very big wedding, only 50 people or so there,
including the 3 bridesmaids and 3 groomsman. I was one, then Solo, and then
some chick Kelly had become friends with at TCC. I was excited to go home and
see my family, especially my nephew who was already a year old.

He looked like his dad, which was our biggest fear, but he was still so cute
anyway. As soon as I got there I wanted to hold him and kiss him and carry him
around with me all day. I could get use to being Aunt Bee. Ricky looked like a
grown man, with a beard and waves all in his hair. He even hugged my ass when
I came through the door. He was usually a punk ass, but he was actually being
sort of...cool.

I was super excited to see my sister again. But it was hard hell to accept her 18
year old ass as a mother. But seeing her in action was believing. She had good
maternal instincts, surely better than what I had.

"Beyonce, everytime I see you, you have a new outfit of some kind. Where you
getting all the extra money for this stuff? That modeling thing?" my momma
asked me.

"I make it work, momma" I laughed.

"I get scared every time I click on the internet. Thinking your pictures are going
to wind up on some website" she said, shaking her head.

"Ma. I don't do that kind of modeling. I told you. Stop being so paranoid" I said.

And this was the first day of me being back. Just like old times, I thought. Chris
surprised me the day before the wedding by calling and letting me know he
would be at the airport in a few hours. He said he wanted to see me in my dress. I
think he really just wanted some pussy since he hadn't had any in a few weeks
because he was out of town. I laughed at how thirsty he sounded on the phone,
telling me he loved me and couldn't wait to see me. I knew the truth. He couldn't
wait for my lips to wrap around his dick. Men, all the same.

My family were excited to see Chris again. They liked him. And they liked seeing
my happy most of all, and I was genuinely happy in my life. It wasn't quite a year
me and him had been together, but it seemed like longer. I could barely
remember what life was like before him. I had learned almost every main quote
from Willy Wonka just from being around him, and it seemed as natural as any
relationship I had with anyone back home. Chris grew on me that quick. Our
relationship was special in my mind.

I had my doubts with Kelly And Quenton, but I had to admit that most of them
were superficial. I guess I always thought she was only settling for him because
she could relate to someone that came from nothing. But I thought she would
eventually realize that just because he was a nice guy, it didn't mean she had to
fall for him. She was use to rough necks and guys like that so I thought she was
doing the equivalent of buying the first car the salesman showed her.

But hell. After a year of everyone hating on what I had with Chris, how could I
judge Kelly for who she was with? Maybe she wouldn't grow out of love with him
like I projected. Maybe they really were in love. Seeing them together at my
mothers house was kind of weird. He was kind of goofy and standoffish to me. He
just sat there looking around and not saying anything. When he did speak up, it
would be in Kelly's ear. For example, when he wanted a drink of water, instead of
asking the host of the house, like my mom, he whispered in Kelly's ear and she
asked 'aunt Tina' for something to drink. I couldn't tell if I was still hating or if that
was a legit griped. But it irked me.

"So are yall ready for the big day?" I asked them as we all sat in the living room.

She looked at him. He looked at her. They held hands. It made me want to vomit.

"Awww. Look at them. They are ready" my mom said.

"Nah ma. They just ready to eat that FOOD you got cookin up" Solange joked.

Kelly nodded her head, "Amen. Solo know what's up".

"That's the only reason I came" I added in.

Everyone laughed, even Quenton. He actually had pretty white teeth. Maybe the
one physical attribute I thought was a good look on him. I wished he would smile
more. Maybe I'd think he was cuter. He always seemed to be in a perpetual
frown. Frowning like that could make anyone seem ugly.
Quentons son arrived with his adopted sister later on and checked into the hotel.
Kelly said she didn't want a Bachelorette party, but Solo insisted we all went out
that night. Ricky took Chris, Quenton, and his groomsman out on the town and
they did their thing.

"You care if they go to a strip club?" Solo asked.

"Honestly? I don't. I trust him".

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I'm marrying him. Dud" she said, looking at me.

"He seems like a good dude. His son has home training. He seems trustworthy.
Let him go and smack some ass tonight" Solo chimed in.

"Why ain't we going to a strip club?" Kelly's friend from Tally asked.

"I don't want to, yall. I just wanna do something real chilled and nice. Just me and
my girls. Don't need no dudes" Kelly said.

It was weird. I had never seen her like this. So attached to a guy. I remembered
when we were younger we would plan the night before our make believe wedding
and talked about how we'd order strippers who would dress as policeman and
then arrest us. We talked about it being an event. But Kelly had somehow
become a homebody. One that would rather stay in and watch movies than go
out to the club. Or in this instance, going to get some ice cream instead of going
to the strip club or something.

This was her day, though, and I wasn't going to do anything to ruin it. Her
moment where everything she wanted, happened. We ended up just talking at
the ice cream place, outside reminiscing about our childhood. We talked about
love, and sex, and our future.

"I'm not even focused on a man, right now. It's just me and my son. But when I
do start looking, the man is going to have to accept my son" Solo said.

"Was it hard to accept that Quenton had a son?" I asked.

"At first, yeah. I mean, you always want your the first time you have a child to be
with a first time parent too. So yall can share it together. But I love Quenton more
than I love the ideal of everything. And since I love him, I love his child too".

Me and Kelly shared a brief glance. We smiled softly. I was happy for her. She
had been through so much. If he was the one that finally could fill that void, I was
happy. We had already eaten dinner earlier, but after eating the ice cream and
talking about the food my momma was cooking for tomorrow, we got hungry
again. We decided to go to one of the local wing houses we ate at a lot of kids. It
brought back a ton of memories, most of them good. It was a place the guy I ran
away had taken me to one time, so not all of the memories were good.

We ordered some wings and curly fries and pretty much shared off one plate. The
place was nearly empty, with it being a little past 11 and it closing at 12. Kelly
was still glowing from the night and the anticipation of the next morning, so when
Solange suggested that we do Karaoke, she immediately jumped up and ran
towards the stage. They originally told us the Karaoke was closed, but when we
told them Kelly was getting married, the few people in there joined in the
begging. We got our way.

First went Solange, who got on stage and sang We Are Family. Even though I
didn't really know the girl Kelly had brought along, all of us seemed to vibe.
Singing, playfully dancing, and just clowning around. The 'I got all my sisters and
me' part even made me feel tingly a few times. For once, it felt like how I
expected things to be when I first went off to college. Me, Kelly, and my little
sister.....oh and this other girl, I guess.

There was only one song I could sing when it was my time to go. When the music
started playing, Kelly screamed out in laughter and stomped her feet on the
ground. This was our song. And I was singing it right before her wedding day.

"I'll reach ouuuut....my hand to you...I'll have faith...in all you dooooooooo. Just
call my naaaame" I sang.

"I'll be theeeere" my girls said while pointing at Kelly who couldn't stop laughing
and blinking away tears.

When the "just look over your shoulders, Kelly" part came up, I pointed with a
wide grin. Everyone still in the restaurant stated laughing. The song ended and
her ass met me with her arms wide open.
The wedding turned out beautiful. Kelly's friend actually had a good voice and
she sang a church song. Kelly's adoptive father gave her away and when
Quenton gave his voice, I cried.

"You accepted me for me. You never made fun of my faults or made me feel like I
wasn't worthy of you even when I felt like I wasn't. And I love you for it. Forever"
he said, holding her hands and eying her.

She was crying. My momma was crying. The only one that I could tell that wasn't
crying was Ricky, and that was only because he wasn't paying attention. He was
texting. Apparently, he had girls on top of girls now.

I saw Chris smiling at them as they have their vows. He then saw me looking at
him and he gave me a bright white boy smile. I couldn't help but giggle. My man
was so goofy looking sometimes, but I loved him anyway.

The reception was what everyone was waiting for though, even the newlyweds
because my mom went all out with the food. I packed my plate down like it was
MY day and filled my stomach with all kinds of chicken and greens and macronni
and cornbread. I was sitting across from Quenton and he was getting it too.

"Slow down, boy" I smiled at him, trying to establish some sort of communication
with him.

"You better pick it up, girl. Or I might eat what's on your plate" he smiled at me.

I laughed. I liked that he at least had some wit in him. The food was just the
beginning of the fun.
The first dance with Kelly And Quenton was so cute. It was to Fortunate by
Maxwell, and the boy had surprisingly nice feet on the dance floor. He could
move for a big boy, even though it was only a slow song. They locked hands and
eyes as they danced to the song. I was sorry that it took the wedding day for me
to see it. But the way they stared in each others eyes. I knew it then. They only
saw each other.

The party really got going when the DJ got everyone up for the Cha Cha slide. We
all danced. ALL OF US. Little kids, old people, pregnant people, and Chris non-
dancing ass. I swear I had never seen Kelly's dad dance ever in his life, not even
in church. But we they played September by Earth, Wind, And Fire, I thought the
man had time traveled back to 1975.

I don't know what it was bout black folks and receptions, but I guess they all
thought it was ok to do the most vintage dance moves they could think of. My
mom stopped catering long enough to do the wop and my dad...well I don't know
what my dad was doing, but he did it to Mo Money Mo Problems by P. Diddy, so it
was a fail all around. Old people dancing to hip hop just wasn't right, but it had all
of us cracking up.

Solange requested Back That Thang Up by Juvenile which had all them church
folk looking at the young people like crazy, thankfully it was the clean version to
the song. When everyone else wanted to rest, I dragged Ricky to the dance floor
when I Know I Got Soul by Rakim played. He fronted like he aint wanna dance,
but I bobbed my head to the beat and eyed him down till he started grinning and
moving with me.
Chris and I danced to Step In the Name of Love by R. Kelly and we booty bumped
a few times. He liked it, his goofy ass. I thought we were going to slow dance
when All My Life by KC and Jo Jo came on, but my daddy grabbed me from
behind. I couldn't turn him down. Plus, Chris had all night to rock with me slow.
He ended up dancing with Solange on that song, they clowned around the entire
time.

While I danced with my daddy he whispered in my ear.

"You plan on having any of these anytime soon?"

I shook my head, "No sir. I'm focused on school first before I'm even thinking
about marriage".

He nodded his head and twirled me around. It was so corny, but what wasn't
about wedding receptions? Good, corny, fun. When everyone was focused on the
bride and groom, I took that time to sneak away with my man to one of the
bathrooms, where we got a quickie in. I felt his d*ck on me everytime we danced,
so I knew he was as arouses as I was. We came back holding hands. My mom
apparently had saw when we went off and when we tried to ease back in. She
gave me the look. But she didn't seem mad. It was more like one of those, don't
think you're slick, looks. For once, it seemed like they treated me like I was an
adult. Like they accepted that I was now having sex. With Kelly married and Solo
a mommy, maybe they had no other choice but to accept it.

The reception ended about three hours after it started and the newly weds left to
get their f*ck on, non-fornication style this time. Everyone was tired from the long
day when we got back to my house. We took turns showering and everything and
my parents and Ricky retired to their bedrooms. Solo had put her baby to sleep
and Chris was showering when me and Solo went on the back-porch. We talked
about the wedding, how happy Kelly looked and that we wanted our wedding to
be as fun filled.

"You think you'd marry Chris?" she asked me.

It was a topic of interest I guess, considering we had been dating for a while and
just saw a wedding together. But it was also a question I hadn't gave much
serious thought to. I wasn't ready to be married. But I did know I loved him and
he was my best male friend. Wouldn't that be reason to marry him if it ever got
to that point?

"Yeah. I would marry him" I said to her.

Those words, spoken in private to my little sister would be words I would later
regret saying. The words would haunt.

When we got back to Tallahassee, Chris told me he had overheard the

conversation I had with Solange. He said he loved me and that he wanted to
marry me. He held my hand and proposed to me, with a ring he said his mother
had given to him. I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. This was never how I
expected it to be. I always expected happiness and pure joy when I got proposed
to. But instead, all I felt was pain, because I was going to have to tell Chris that I
wasn't ready for marriage. I told him. He put the ring back in the box and smiled.
He said he understood. And then he tried to act like nothing had happened. Like I
didn't just reject his marriage proposal.

I wanted to talk about it. I wanted him to know what it didn't mean that I didn't
love him, It just meant I wasn't ready yet. But the more I tried to explain why I
couldn't, the more he seemed to resent even the sound of my voice.

"Beyonce, just forget I even asked. It was dumb of me. I was stupid" he said.

"Chris, no. It wasn't stupid. It was sweet. And I love you for it. I'm just...not ready
to be engaged. I-"

He laughed, "Beyonce. I already told you. I understand. It's ok. I'm not mad" he
insisted.

One he assured me that he was ok and everything was all good, he went into his
kitchen and I went and got ready for bed. I removed all of my clothes and got
under the covers. I was going to make love to him really good and make him
forget about the proposal. But for some reason, he didn't immediately come
back. I had been laying naked in his bed for 20 minutes.

"Chris, when you coming?" I asked.

"A second" he said.

That second turned into another five minutes. I got impatient, and turned off, and
got out of bed, carrying the sheets with me into the kitchen. Chris had his back
against his counter with a bottle of liquor in his hand. Chris hadn't drank in
months. The only time I remembered him even drinking heavily was when his
dad had died. I knew he was lying. He wasn't ok. But to think my rejection of him
was bad enough to make him drink again? That hurt my soul.

"Chris, stop. Come to bed, ok baby?"

He took a sip and smiled at me.

"You're really beautiful, you know that" he said sloppily.

I hated when he got like this.

"Chris" I sighed, "Come to bed" I said when I grabbed his hand.

He tried to take another sip of the bottle but I grabbed it from him and placed it
on the counter. He tried to kiss me but I pulled back. I was angry that he had
gotten drunk like this. And that he was lying to me about how he felt. He had to
know I loved him and didn't want to hurt his feelings. Why was he acting out like
this?

We ended up back in his bedroom and I made him brush his teeth before he got
in bed with me. He came out of the bathroom naked and I let him in the covers
with me. We didn't even kiss. He went right to sucking my breast and he sucked
them roughly. Not gentle like he normally did. I didn't even want to have sex
anymore. But I did. He got on top and f*cked me hard. Not hard in the way that it
was passionate. Just hard. With hard eyes. And hard hands. Just hard. As he
pushed himself in me, he didn't once give me eye contact or kiss me or anything.
He just f*cked. When he came, rolled over and left the condom inside of me, I felt
dirty. I had never felt dirty with Chris ever.

He turned the other way without a word, a goodnight, a kiss, anything. I laid
there and cried. Really, Chris? The understanding mature guy was acting like
this? I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe he was seriously treating me like
meat. Not him. Not the guy that wrote me that song and was there for me at my
lowest. Not the guy I supported through his lowest. And it wasn't like I did
anything wrong. I had done nothing wrong.

I rolled out of bed and grabbed my clothes.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Home".

"Why?"

"You know" I shot at him.

"I don't know. Why are you leaving?" he asked, sitting up.

I had my bra on and was putting a foot inside my panties.

"Beyonce. Why are you leaving?"

"Chris. You know. You have always made me feel so good about myself. You
make me feel loved. You make me feel appreciated. But just now. You made me
feel just as low as I felt in that damn bathroom on the floor" I said.

He had tears in his eyes now.

"I didn't mean.." he started before stopping himself, "I'm sorry".

"Yeah...well...I'm going home. I need time to think".

"About what?" he asked.

"Just think. Chris you used me like I was just a hole for you to ejaculate in. I don't
know how to even feel about that right now. So I need to go and formulate my
thoughts before I say something I regret".

"Beyonce, I'm sorry. But I'm hurting too. I just don't get how you can tell your
sister you would marry me and then when i ask, you're not ready".

"Chris, I meant in the future I could marry you. After I graduate and stuff. What
do I have? What do you have? We aren't ready for marriage".

"What does Kelly and the big guy have? Nothing but each other. And it was
enough for them" he said, clearly drunk.

"Chris. This isn't about them. This is about YOU and ME. And you just did
something to me that makes me question you" I sobbed, because it hurt to say
those words.

"Beyonce. I'm afraid of losing you. It's like. I fear it. The pressure you get from
dating me. The rumors that come out now that you're running for president.
And...I guess I wanted some security. That you are in this for the long haul. And
I'm sorry for hurting you. I never, ever, want to hurt you" he said, tears rolling
down his face.

"Chris, why don't you feel secure with me? What do I need to do to prove that I
love you?"

"You don't have to do anything, Beyonce" he said.

"Obviously I do. Your insecurities in this relationship show up every few months.
Just when I think we're good again, something like this happens. What do you
want?"

"I just want you. And I don't want to lose you".

"You're not in danger of losing me, Chris. But I do feel like I am in danger of
losing you. Every single time you go back to drinking to drown your insecurities
about us".

"Well I am sorry, Beyonce" he said raising his voice.

He stood up and started pacing. I closed my eyes to stop bleeding tears.

"Beyonce. I am insecure. I am. And there are things about you that I struggle
with. You being with that girl all the time. You doing the modeling thing. You-"
I interrupted, "Wait. Is that still what this is about? Rihanna? And my modeling?"

"it's about everything. I''m just expressing to you that I struggle with some
things. And I drink to"

I stopped him again "Then f*ck it. If I need to prove to you that I love you. That I
am in this with you for the long haul. If I need to prove it. Then f*ck it. No more
modeling. I quit. I quit, Chris. You happy? I f*cking quit, just for you. I don't want
you to get pissy drunk. You don't want me getting naked for people. So we're
even. You happy now?"

"No I'm not happy. I don't want to take away something you love".

"I love you more" I said harshly.

"Beyonce, can we just back up? This is not what I am saying I want you to do".

"But it's what I'm going to do, Chris. I'm tired. I'm really tired of having to prove
everyone wrong. I'm tired of everyone doubting me. Even the person I give my all
to every day of the week. So if you think for one second, my rejection of your
marriage proposal means I don't love you, then maybe you can accept it when I
quit doing the one thing I found here that set me apart from everyone else".

I finished putting on my clothes and I left. I felt like I was being suffocated in
there. I had to get out. I cried the entire way home.

The next day, I called each one of my employers for the modeling and I told them
I'd no longer be available for classes. They were all shocked at my abrupt
resignation, especially in the middle of a new session of classes. They'd have to
scramble to get consistent models to show up for the classes. Most people only
did figure drawing for a time or two when they needed some cash, but only a few
dedicated people that actually loved what they did could make a steady income
from it. I had been dedicated. And I loved doing it. I didn't want to quit. I felt
foolish for quitting just to please Chris. Even though he never told me to quit, I
felt like it was a strain on our relationship. He seemed so damn insecure about
what I did. Like me disrobing for art meant I was giving a part of myself away that
he only wanted to himself. On one hand it was a little flattering, but not when it
meant not trusting me.

I did everything for him, how could he not trust me? When I asked Rihanna that
same question she told me that was why. I gave him so much and he get so
accustomed to it, that he started to freak out when thinking about it going away.
She said that was the side effect of great blow jobs and catering to his needs.

"Did he f*ck you in the ass?" she asked.

"No".
"Then you're lucky. He'd be outside of your window with a radio over his head
every night" she snickered.

"Rih. I'm serious. I don't know what to do about him".

"I already told you. Drop him. I'm still mad you decided to quit something you
loved for a dude that ain't even acting right. But hey, that's on you".

"He acts right most of the time, though. That's the thing. I wouldn't just give so
much to someone that, like abused me or didn't appreciate me or something. It's
just every now and then. He just starts trippin'.

"That's all fine and dandy, Bee. But does he pay your bills? Does he pay your
telephone bills? Does he pay your automobills? If not, then f*ck his trippin. You
need a job. I swear when you told me you couldn't continue paying your gym
membership cuz you couldn't afford it I almost cursed you out".

I laughed, "Why didn't you?"

"Cuz I'm trying to watch my mouth. Try not to hurt ya lil feelings so much".

"See. You understand me. You get me. Boys just don't get it" I smiled.

"Don't give me too much credit, Beyonce. I don't b*tch as much just cuz I get
annoyed every time you start acting like a baby. It's more for me than it is for
you" she snarled.

"Uh Huh. Keep acting like you don't do shit for me. You love me, stop denying it".

"For real though, Bee. Your dude is an asshole. A real man wouldn't let his girl
quit doing something she loved to please his insecure ass. I know you saying you
love him and everything. But put yourself first".

I listened to her. But I ate the meat and spit out the bones. She couldn't really
see why I was willing to go through so much for Chris, but I knew why. I knew he
could make me smile unlike anyone else on earth. I knew he could make
passionate love to me and make me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth.
He could be everything I wanted and needed. I just had to get him back in the
right lane, or wait it out.

First things first, I needed a job. I had the rent paid for that month but the next
month would be a different story. Plus I had car insurance and gas and of course I
needed spending money. I had a little saved up but I didn't want to spend on
that. I needed some steady income. I applied for a few places at the mall but
Rihanna suggested I try at the place she got her dog from. I went, they were
hiring, and I got hired. I wasn't much of an animal enthusiast, but I lied on the
application and I guess they liked my pretty face and speaking skills enough for
their front desk position.

I made around $8.50 an hour and would work four days a week, from open to
close a few days. It was so much different from my schedule as a model. I hated
it. I now actually had to WORK. Cleaning up poo, dealing with all kinds of
questions from customers, and wasting entire days there. Chris continued to tell
me I didn't have to quit, but the more he said it, the more I figured I did the right
thing. He couldn't b*tch at me for what I did anymore. Now I had a regular job
like everyone else. Now I hated my job like everyone else.

I didn't hate the animals, just the lack of excitement and creativity. And I hated
customer service. Usually when I was frustrated I would go to the classes,
disrobe, and get engulfed by the overwhelming emotions of being drawn in the
nude. I always left feeling refreshed. Tired, achy, and horny too, but always
refreshed.

Now I just left tired and achy. I think it started to show in my schoolwork too
because I didn't do so well on my first few assignments. Now I saw what other
students went through that worked and went to school. It didn't seem like it was
enough time in the day to take care of all of my obligations and still have time for
myself. I had issues budgeting my time and energy now. Especially with the
school election campaigns going on.

Nicki and her camp, like expected, surged ahead in the early polls. Of the few
hundred students that did an early online poll, 80% of them said they were likely
going to vote for Nicki. 80 freaking percent. I was fourth on the list. It was
demoralizing to see that early poll. It made me want to quit right there. Why
spend the time and energy into a clear losing effort?

Then, a rumor came out that I had herpes and that my sister had gotten knocked
up because of me. One of the rumors were true, but the herpe shit? It started
because Chris had some acne and it blew up from there. I know who the rumor
was started by and it made me sick. How was it that even when crushing her
competition, she still put her foot to their throat? It was so unnecessary, like
killing ants with sledge hammers.

Jarvis said we needed some backup, so he called the one person he knew that
could help make a difference. Tip had been expelled from school for selling weed
to a teacher, but it was only a first offense so he didn't serve any real jail time.
And although he was out of school, he still had a large following on the campus.
The students loved him, and a lot of them hated me because it was believed that
I dissed Tip just so I could be with Chris. Everyone remembered how Tip had
saved my ass at the party my freshman year and looked after me and he got a
lot of respect for that. Tip and I were actually cool. Not necessarily friends again,
but we talked every now and then, especially when I was in a bind.

He and his goons took care of the Stringer situation and he gave me advice on
how to get around Atlanta. Jarvis thought we would have even more use for him
with this campaign. He wasn't allowed on campus, but it didn't matter, because
we had another idea. Tip and Smurf ending up recording a rap song about voting
for me. The beat was banging, and although the lyrics were kind of corny, the
hook was catchy and it had the cool factor because it was by a school legend.

The song hit youtube and then facebook, twitter, and myspace and the youtube
video had over 10,000 hits in a week. Jarvis took some of the money he had set
aside for our camping and massed produced about 1,000 cds with the song on it
as well as a Q&A I did with Michelle. I had to admit, it was pretty cool hearing
people playing a song with my name in it and then knowing the student body
could pop in a cd and listen to me speak on the issues. Track 1 was the song
though, so I doubted anyone even paid attention to the talking in track 2. It didn't
bother me much, just as long as it helped me in the polls.

The school site updated the early polls every week and by the second week,
Nicki's lead had shrunk to 65% and I came in second 20%. I was still far behind.
Her base was strong. But even the slightest move meant something. It meant I
had a fighting chance. Jarvis got a ton of his friends to help me out on the
campaign tip, and Tip told all of his boys still on campus to vote for me. Tip said
we should dish out some dirt on Nicki, but I didn't want to go there with her. It
was a slippery slope. If I tossed sh*t back at her, then we'd both have crap on our
hands. I would be no better than her.

Jarvis thought differently.

"Bee. The only way to not get dirty, is not to play" he said.

"I'm going to run a clean campaign" I said.

"And we're not going to win, if we do" he sighed.

This was how politics worked. The issues were always secondary. It was all about
who you know, who you wouldn't piss off, and whose ass you could kiss the most.
Me and Jarvis did all kinds of ass kissing to the different clubs and organizations,
promising we'd consider getting them funding, and would improve the fun factor
of the school. Then we had to satisfy the academic nuts that only wanted to
improve the reputation of the school. And then there was the majority. The
people who didn't really care at all about the process, but we had to convince to
log in to the school site in two weeks and remember to click "Knowles" on the
ballot.

We knew what the deciding factor of this process was going to be the final parties
before election week. We decided to wait until Nicki threw her party to see how
much we'd have to outdue her. She had the support of her sorority and the
pocketbook to go along with it. She threw a party open to everyone, including me
and Jarvis, although neither one of us attended.

We heard about it though. And the consensus was it was the best.party.ever. At
least that was what the facebook and twitter updates were saying. But we didn't
get the official word until the polls for the week came out. More than 500 people
voted and Nicki now held a 83% advantage. Even higher than it was before Tip
got involved. There was only a week left, we had yet to throw our party, and we
didn't have nearly enough money to outdue hers. It was over.

At least, it should have been over. If this process was a fair one. Without dirty
funds and illegal support, Nicki should have been class president. But Carter
called me that week. He had one thing to ask.

"How much you need?"

This was against every school code there was. A teacher should not openly lend
support to any parties and he definitely shouldn't be offering any campaign
money. But then again, the man also shouldn't had been f*cking me in his
classroom, so what difference did it make? He was offering me a blank check and
I wanted to at least make the election interesting. What could go wrong? Carter
was very discreet about these things. They could speculate all the want about
how we paid for such a party, but it wasn't with school funds, so it was nothing
they'd be able to do without it. This would be an off-campus event.

The first order of business would be to pick a venue. There were plenty inside
places we could rent for the night but I didn't want to go that route. I ended up
renting a party tent at one of the parks right outside the city. It was a risk,
expecting college kids to travel an hour away from Tally to attend a party. But I
didn't want my party to be in the city because I didn't want what happened there
to be something just everyone could be in on. It would be an open party, for the
kids of FAMU, but I knew word of it would get out and people from FSU and other
colleges would want to show up. When I told Jarvis this, he suggested we hire
some bouncers and make people show their student ID to be able to get in. I
thought it was a great idea.

"Bee, how in the hell are you able to afford this?" he asked as we looked up
prices on google.

"The money my grandma left me" I lied.

"I'm hoping you don't go broke with this one party. I mean, I understanding
wanting to beat Nicki. I halfway pushed you to do it. But don't go overboard" he
warned.

I smiled confidently, "Going overboard is the only way we're going to win this".

He was taken back by my confidence. I had Carter in my corner so it was false

confidence. I didn't have to worry about overspending but I was still aware of the
10,000 budget I gave myself. I originally told Carter just a few thousand but he
laughed and said if I was sure. I said 5 thousand, and he laughed again and said
how about 10. If he was offering it, why not?
We did it up. We bought booze and kegs and and even had wristbands so only
students over 21 could get alcohol from the them. I was still underage, although
Jarvis had turned 21, so I also wouldn't even be allowed to drink. I had ways
around that though.

We only had a few days to get the party together, which was difficult since I was
also going to work. I only got a few hours of sleep each night because I was
ripping and running trying to get everything bought like food and drinks and
balloons. Chris even pitched in by getting me the number to this local rock/rap
band he knew who said they would perform for free, just for promotion.

Tip also told me he had convinced a few rapper friends to perform, although he
took care of the financial part of that without me even knowing. Everything was
going well. It was stressful, but still exciting. And when the day came for the
party, I could hardly contain myself. I woke up around 6am, which was the first
time I had been up that early on a Saturday in a long time. I showered and took a
jog and then showered again before eating breakfast. Michelle said she had some
errands to run but she and a few of her friends would show up to the party by 4
to help with the prep. The party started at 5.

I called each member of the set up crew to make sure they were all ready. Chris
and Rihanna both had promised to help. They didn't like each other, but they
agreed to put up with each other just for me. It made me smile. Chris picked me
up in his truck and then we picked up Rihanna and made our way over to the
store we had pre-ordered paper plates, and plastic silverware, and plastic cups,
and boxes of food. We loaded up and took the first load over to the park, where
Jarvis and a few of his friends were already setting up. Once we unloaded, we
went for our second load of supplies.

Rihanna and Chris didn't say much to each other during the ride. In fact, none of
us really said that much, at least in the way of conversation. We only spoke when
it was regarding a detail for the party. To combat the silence, Chris turned on
some music. Rihanna didn't appreciate that kind of music and she spoke her
mind.

"Can we just listen to the radio?" she said.

I gave her the eye and she acted oblivious to what she had done wrong. Chris
didn't protest or argue. He turned off his rock music and switched it to the hip
hop radio station. Rihanna laughed to herself, closed her eyes, and we rode like
that to get the rest of the miscellaneous things we needed.

By 3:30, things were looking good, but my phone was blowing up. People I didn't
even know were calling with a list full of questions. They wanted directions to the
party. Wanted to know what time it started. When it ended. If they could invite
people. If there would be beer. It was a mess, especially since there was a mass
event notification sent out on facebook that explained all of that. I got a text from
'Vicky' after Michelle had arrived with her small crew.

Received 3:26 PM: How is it going?

Sent 3:29: Good...so far. Ppl are started to arrive

Received 3:31: Be smart out there...aight?

Sent 3:32: K...u not making a cameo appearance?

Received 3:33: That wouldn't be smart...now would it?

I giggled to myself and threw my phone in my purse. I asked Jarvis did he have
everything under control and he said yeah. I needed Chris to drive me home so I
could shower more more time and get dressed. I figured the place wouldn't really
be packed until around 6 or 7 anyway.

I wasn't shocked to find out that Rihanna and Jarvis had really hit it off. They
were laughing and clowning each other like they had been friends for years. I was
glad, for once, my friends were all getting along. Chris got me home in in about
40 minutes and then I showered, for the third time that day. I picked out the
outfit I had bought the day before and looked at myself in the mirror for about
five minutes, making sure this was what i wanted to wear. When he had assured
me three times that I looked fine, sexy, and beautiful, I finally settled on it and
we were out the door.

"You excited?" he asked.

I took a deep breath, "And nervous" I responded.

"You're going to do fine, beautiful. Just try to enjoy yourself. Have fun".

"Ima try, Chris. But as host, I have to make sure everyone else is having a good
time".

"Looking at that place. All the beer back there. It's impossible for them to not
have a good time" he laughed.

He grabbed my hand as he drove. I closed my eyes and just tried to relax. I

needed some down time before the big night.

I was right. Not many people showed up before sunset. Maybe three dozen
people or so, mostly friends of Jarvis. But my phone kept blowing up and Jarvis
kept checking facebook on his phone and there was a ton of chatter about my
party, so we knew to just be patient. I walked over to every area of the lawn,
making sure the food was right, the bouncers had the right orders, and there
were no unforeseen problems on the horizon.
Around 8 was when cars started showing up in droves. Cars with 6 and 7 people
cramped inside. Most were car pooling since it was an hour drive from the
campus, but I was happy to know that they wouldn't miss this party, even if it
meant being packed in a small car for an hour. I had a wall set up which
resembled a red carpet wall, so people could take pictures with their friends.
Everyone wanted to show off their outfits and upload them to facebook so I made
sure they all had a great place to do that at. It was actually Jarvis' idea, but he
had capitalized off my idea before, so it was only fair he returned the favor.

Around 9, the first band started performing and there was easily over 100 people
having a good time. People I didn't know were coming up to me and making
small talk. It felt good. I was polite, like always, and tried my best to laugh at
their little jokes and keep a smile on my face so I always looked approachable. It
was amazing how much of a popularity contest this all was. That a party was
going to decide a presidential election.

There were a few issues when some underage guys were denied beer and their
asses were kicked out. It only took them as an example for everyone to follow the
rules set by the bouncers and act like they had some sense. Still, I couldn't relax
yet. Not at least until I knew if....if....I turned around and saw her on my pseudo
red carpet.

She stood out like f*cking crazy. The chick had pink and blue working in her favor
with the widest grin all on her face. She was trying to upstage me at my own
party, and making an appearance with her crew was the way she had decided to
do it.
She came right up to me when she saw me. I swallowed my pride and smiled
when she did.

"I have to admit. I am impressed" she smiled.

I nodded my head, "Nice outfit".

"You're looking fab yourself, sweetness" she smiled.

"Free food, free drinks, free music. Have a great time" I said to her as nicely as
possible.

I walked past her and made sure to wiggle my ass as I walked. I wouldn't let her
get the best of me in anyway. This was MY party and I was going to stand out. Tip
showed up with Smurf around 10, which was like a celebrity walking into the
building. He got pounds from everyone who was happy to see him in the flesh. He
had on sunglasses, even though it was night time, and a hoody on his head. I
wondered if he was here to work or was it for me.

When he came and gave me a hug, I asked.

"Work or play?"

"Support. For you" he smiled.

I gave his ass another hug and thanked him for everything. He really had been a
much appreciated asset in this campaign. The rappers he brought with him
performed, although they were really loud and no one really understood what
they were saying. My live entertainment wasn't really all that and I could sense
my partygooers were more focused on the booze than the stage.

The lawn was packed inside the tent and outside by 11, and I was exhausted
from doing so much monitoring. I didn't realize having a party would be so much
work. At one point we ran out of soda, even though I knew it was no way we
could have ran out that fast. We searched for 20 minutes only to remember I had
a few dozen boxes of soda in the backseat of Chris' truck. Just little things like
this kept me from having any real fun. It was all work and anxiety.

People started leaving around 11:30, which was the last thing I wanted since my
party wouldn't be over till 2. I was hoping they didn't find it boring or anything
like that since all of the live entertainment was over. Tip saw this as his que. He
took the stage with the mic and said they were going to have a booty shaking
contest and the winner got 300 dollars. He pulled out the money right on stage
and a ton of girls, probably needing to replace the money they used to get their
hair did, signed up for the event by raising their hands and rushing to the stage.

It was added comic relief for everyone, seeing the girls shake their ass for cash.
Tip played as the commentator, saying stuff like "Is that all you got, shawty? or
one girl and "Shawty right here want that 300. She want it". Rihanna even took
the stage, which shocked the hell out of me. She shook her tiny ass and played
with her skirt, teasing the thirsty, drunken men in the crowd and winning their
approval when she lifted it up to reveal red panties. I was happy that she was
wearing panties because a lot of the times when we went out, she didn't.

But the contest was shut down by this 250 pound girl that got on stage and
started doing splits and bouncing her ass and twirling around like she was a
stripper. Seeing a big girl do it like that put all of those other girls to shame. She
won the contest, and by 12, everyone was laughing and probably a little more
horny. I got a call from 'Vicky' and he had some shocking news for me.

"I got you someone to perform. Don't ask why. Thank me later. He's in the
parking lot. Introduce him" he said.
I made sure no one was around me before responding.

"Shawn, who did you get?"

He laughed, "Meet him in the parking lot. He's waiting for you".

I grabbed Jarvis and we made our way to the parking lot. I was shocked by who
was out there. The crowd was even more shocked when I got on stage with the
mic and got ready to introduce my surprise performer.

"Hey, how all yaw doing?" I yelled.

They all yelled shit back to me. The lights were on me and I figured most of them
thought I was going to thank them for coming or something like that. Well, I was
going to, but I had one more part to add to it.
"We got a little more than an hour and a half left, yall. And for the ones that
came and stayed. I want to thank yall. And I want to thank you by bringing out
someone that you may all know".

I found Nicki in the audience. She wasn't hard to find in that pink. She looked
nervous. Like she knew what I knew. That I was about to get a check f*cking
mate in this chess battle between us. I smiled hard and waited for my performer
to make his appearance.

"I'm spruuuuung. Dawg, she got me. Got me doing things I'll never do" was all he
needed to say to get that place freaking the hell out.
T-Pain, the Tallahassee born star, ran out on stage and shut SHIT DOWN. He
performed all of his chart topping songs and Jarvis, Tip, Rihanna, Michelle, Chris,
and a few others danced on the side of the stage. It was a perfect cherry on top
to my party. Carter, was f*cking amazing.

I ended up going to one of the Porta-Potty's to pee and was shocked when I saw
Michelle walk out of one, with another girl. I started to say something but she
stopped me before I even had the chance.

"She spilled something. I was getting it out".

It was the girl from her journalism class that she had become cool with. I had to
pee and T-Pain was still on stage, so I just laughed and kept it moving. Before the
party was over, I had gotten tipsy even though I wasn't suppose to be drinking
and I truly had enjoyed the last hour or so.

It was suppose to be a great night for me. But fate just wouldn't have it. A crowd
had gathered off stage after T-Pain finished. I figured it was a little scuffle or
something, but Rihanna told me Chris was getting yelled at by a few of the men
there. Oh gosh, what had happened.

I made my way through the crowd and saw Chris with a beer, and Nicki and a
bunch of others by her side.

"What happened?" I asked, pissed at the thought that they were attacking my
man.

"Beyonce, you just let this cracker say nigga like it ain't nothing, huh?" one of the
guys said.

"It's in the song" Chris said.

I was confused. What?

"What happened?" I asked again.

Nicki seemed excited to tell me.

"Your man saying nigga, that's what happened" she said, pointing at him.

I looked over at my drunken man. He looked angry.

"Beyonce. It's in the song. I only said what the song said. I didn't say nigger or
anything. I just said what the song said".

"Look, he said it again" one of the guys yelled.

Chris looked confused.

"I've heard it a million times tonight, alone. Why is it so bad if I say it in a song?"

One of Nicki's goonettes laughed, "And this is her man yall. Her man".

"Coon ass chick" one guy said.

"Yeah. White people vote for Obama and then think they own our culture. Going
to a black school and dating a black chick and voting for a black president don't
make ya black" Nicki said.
"It's just a song. It ain't even that serious" I said, immediately defending Chris.

"I bet you would think that" another guy said.

It was clear. They were attempting to use this as a way to make me look bad.

"Chris isn't racist. He just repeated a song. Yall are just trying to twist this into
something it's not".

"Beyonce. This is an issue we discussed on NAACP. And now you are saying it's
not a big deal? Which one is it?" Nicki said.

"Shut up. I'm tired of you" Chris lashed out at Nicki, which was the wrong thing to
say with the tension brewing.

"Ooh, yessir messah" Nicki mocked.

I sighed, and grabbed my mans hand so we could just walk away.

"Yeah. Side with the white boy. Side with him over your own people" someone
said.

I wasn't even paying attention to who was speaking. I was heated over the entire
situation, which came just at the end of an otherwise great party. We had paid for
a cleaning crew to clean up the party, but I still stayed an hour after the party
ended to help get the process started. Chris and Rihanna helped, although Chris
was cursing and talking to himself the entire time.

When we got in his truck to leave, Rihanna said she would ride with Jarvis home. I
guess it was her way of giving me a chance to talk with Chris by myself. No one
said anything about the whole N word thing, but I could tell they felt embarrassed
for me. Chris kept going on and on about how hypocritical everyone was.

"Why is it. You can say it. Rihanna can say it. Everyone can say it 100 times a
day. But if I say it in a song. I'm the devil" he said.

"Chris, it's cuz you are white. People of color say it because it's a term of
endearment".

"That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard" he said bitterly.

"Yeah, Chris. It might sound dumb to you. But you still should have just
apologized and tried to let it blow over instead of defending it".

"Apologize for what? For repeating lyrics in a song? Beyonce, I did nothing wrong.
Black people can be so hypersensitive over white man this, white man that".
I sighed and just looked out the window.

"Beyonce. Do you think I'm racist?"

"No, Chris. I know you aren't".

"Then why should I apologize? What am I missing?"

"You aren't getting that it's still a sore topic. It doesn't make you racist to say it,
but it makes you insensitive for not caring that other people that don;t know you
would get offended".

"Yet it's ok for everyone to call me white boy every day. Or cracker. Somehow
that isn't reverse racism?"

"Chris. You are on an all black campus. What do you expect? You are dating a
black girl. What do you expect? Now cuz of all this shit, I don't even know how my
party went. I know Nicki and them is gonna use it against me. Just another thing
you gave them to use against me".

"Is that what this is about? Your stupid party? This dumb election? This
conversation isn't about the fact that I just got lambasted by a group of people
for something totally taken out of context?"

"Chris. I defended you front of them. I wasn't going to let them gang up on you.
But you have to realize. By me defending you, I just looked like a total coon in
front of everyone. It made me look bad".

"Ok. Yeah. That's all that matters. How you look in front of people that are going
to hate you no matter what you do. I'm glad you have your priorities in order" he
said sarcastically.

He drove and I cried. He just didn't get it. And it hurt me, because I knew he
would never get it.

**

The party was the talk of school the last week before the election. T-Pain grabbed
the most headlines, but people were also talking about how my boyfriend said
the N word. Of course it got twisted into all kinds of unbelievable lies. Like he
called me a nigga or he told Nicki "I'm tired of you niggas". Just vicious lies. And
when the polls came out, Nicki was still ahead by more than 20%.

I had given it my best shot, but I held some resentment for Chris because I felt
like he had sabotaged it with his indiscriminate behavior. I even avoided having
sex with him the entire week. I was frustrated because I was fighting an uphill
battle already, and Chris had forced me to take 10 steps back after taking 3 steps
forward. Deep down, I knew it wasn't his fault and I knew he wasn't racist. But
politics were never about the full truth. Just perception. And it was perceived that
I was dating a racist, while being in NAACP at an all black school.

I got so many side eyes that I hated even being on campus. When I walked by,
people would whisper to a friend or give me the eye, or even pretend to be
looking somewhere else so they wouldn't look at me. It was annoying. But I found
out it was just as bad for Chris. Even worse because people were calling him
names and he told me he even was threatened. Why did people feel so
threatened by him? Maybe this was why he was so insecure about us. He couldn't
see me continuing to take this abuse.

When someone posted on my facebook wall a photoshopped picture of Chris'

head on Imus body, with the caption "nappy headed hoez", I lost it. I cursed out
facebook and then deleted my page. I was just so over it. Completely over it.

Chris called me that night, and we got into yet another argument. I was so tired
and frustrated, that I didn't even remember how it stated. Everything was a blur,
really. Pain on top of pain, it was hard to differentiate where one came from over
the other.

"Chris, I don't even care anymore" I said, laying in bed, eyes closed.

"You don't care about how I feel?"

I lost it.

"If you ask me that stupid question one more time, I swear to God. I do nothing
but care about how you feel. I quit doing the one thing I loved. I sex you
whenever you want it even when I don't f*cking cum. And you can question if I
care how YOU feel? It's not always about how YOU feel. How about how I feel for
once?"

"Are you seriously....SERIOUSLY, listing the things you have done for me? I can't
believe you" he laughed, "I cannot believe you would sit here and list things that
are suppose to be selfless. As if I can't spout off a list of things. I did them
because I loved you. I wouldn't throw them in your face like you just did to me".

I started crying, "I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do,
how to do it, or nothing. I wanted to be with you because it felt so right and
perfect. But now, everything is so f*cking complicated".

"So do you not want to be together anymore?" he asked.

"I don't know Chris. I don't know anything".

"Yeah. I thought so" he said before hanging up.

I tried calling him back but he didn't answer. The last thing I needed to do was be
sitting in my room alone at 10 and crying my eyes out. But it was exactly what i
was doing. I couldn't take this anymore. The arguing and the pressure and stress
of being with someone that no one wanted me to be with. Hell, Romeo and Juliet
killed themselves over shit shit. I couldn't let this kill me. And crying in bed was
one way of killing my spirit. I called Rih. I needed to get out of the house.

"Where you wanna go?" she asked me when i called.

"I don't care. Anywhere" I said, drying my eyes.

"You wanna hit the club?" she asked.

"Whatever. I don't care. Anywhere where I can get a drink".

"Ok, girl. I'll come get you in 30 minutes. I gotta shower".

"Ok. Me too" I said.

I showered, refusing to let myself cry and slip further into depression. I was so
stressed that I could hardly breathe. Working at the pet shop took too much time
out of my schedule with everything I had going on. I had missed a few classes
because of prep for the party I threw, which turned to sh*t because my boyfriend
had to say the N word around hundreds of drunk black people. I couldn't take this
shit.

She picked me up wearing a sexy outfit. She had on Usher's You Don't Have to
Call, playing when I got in. She was grinning. I was still looking sad and shit, even
in my tight red dress. She bounced to the music in the driveway and even started
bankhead bouncing to get me to lighten up. It worked. We danced out there in
the parking lot of my crib in her car.

"We're gonna have fun tonight, ok? Don't even think about Chris" she smiled.

I nodded and we went off. First stop for me inside of the club was to the bar to
get a drink. I needed to feel a lil buzz. Still, Chris was pressing on my thoughts. I
would have to drink some to stop thinking about him. I couldn't help but think
that maybe we had broken up and I just didn't know it. I texted him and asked
him to call me but before I could finish hit send, Rihanna grabbed my phone and
tossed it in her purse.

"He doesn't have to call. It's ok, girl. Cuz you're gonna be aight tonight" she
smiled at me.

She had this way of sending me into laughter when she took control. She was
such a controlling girl. So dominating and demanding. But I liked it. It was what
made her so unique. She pulled me to the floor and I managed to rid my thoughts
of Chris. When she got tired of dancing with me, she went to some random guy
and I did the same. It had been a while since I had danced with someone I didn't
know. I was always conscious of the fact that I had a man. But now? With us
being in limbo? I didn't know how to act. I wanted to have fun and enjoy my
night. But if I sat around worrying about if it would make him mad, then what
would be the point of even going out? I needed this. For me. I had to do this, for
me.

So I danced with the guys. I let them touch on me. I let them whisper sweet
things in my ear, and some of them made me corny, especially the rude
comments. I couldn't understand why sometimes I enjoyed a rude comment like
"You got a nice phat ass" or "you are fine as f*ck" over the more gentleman like
comments. I wondered if every girl felt that way or was it just me.

The moment of truth came when Rihanna came over and told me Chris had
called.

"You gonna call him back?" she asked.

I thought about it. I debated what would happen if I did. We'd probably have this
long drawn out conversation that would make me want to leave the club and go
to his house to cry some more. And I didn't want that. I didn't feel like crying
anymore. I just wanted to be free. Free of the worry and pressure.

I pushed the phone back to her. She smiled hard. We went back to dancing. At
some point, I believe she took a strong liking to a guy. He was fine as hell.
Looked like a mature guy. Maybe 30 or so. I could tell she wanted to f*ck him,
and I could tell she would f*ck him if I wasn't around. They ended up exchanging
numbers, but I didn't want to ruin her night if she wanted some dick.

"You wanna f*ck him?" I asked.

"Sure do" she laughed.

"Then go do it. I don't mind. You can just drop me off" I said.

"Bee, no. I'm bringing you back to my house anyway. I can't have you over there
all depressed. Plus, I'm not a total ho. I gotta at least wait 24 hours before I give
him some" she smiled.

I laughed, "He's still over in the corner looking at you. Like I said, I don't mind.
Yall can go in the room and I can sleep out on the couch".

"Bee, no. I ain't f*cking him straight from the club" she said, "I'm trying to be
more selective with my pussy now. I ain't had none in like 3 months, too. Been
doing my spiritual cleansing shit. I can hold off some more".

"Spiritual? Girl, ain't you athiest?"

"I don't believe in God, Bee. But I do believe we have a spirit. If you meditated
you would see it too".

I laughed, "Whatever. I'm ready to go now. Horny as hell, but I guess I'll have to
handle that myself".

"Or you can get Mr. Chocolate over there to handle it. He asked bout cha. Asked
why you were looking so lonely".

I looked over at the Omar Epps looking guy.

"And what you say?"

"I told him you just need some good d*ck".

I smacked her on the shoulder as the guy kept looking over towards us. He
nodded his head when I gave him eye contact. I waved shyly.

"He totally wants to make you feel better. You should let him" Rih joked.

"And what happened to YOU wanting to screw him?"

"Oh, I do. Hell, he could f*ck both of us. I ain't tryna marry him".

"For real?" I asked.

"Nigga yes. You know I ain't tryna get married no time soon".

"No. I meant about him f*cking both of us".

She seemed startled by this because she made a funny face and then looked at
me.

"Bee. Huh?"

"Nothing" I said, quickly trying to drop the thought I had in my head.

"No. What did you mean? You thought I was talking about a threesome?" she
grinned.

"No" I lied.

"You lying. Oh, My, Gawd. Your fast ass. You want me to go over there and see if
he wanna take us both home" she teased.

"No" I lied.

"Ima go over there and see wassup" she smiled.

"No, RIh. I was just talking. I don't know that man. I ain't doing no threesome".

"Why not? Chris? Or because you don't want to. Be honest".

I looked over at the man and felt the sensation between my legs that his glare
gave me. I was super horny. I was very frustrated after having not had sex for
weeks and being so stressed out.

"Chris" I answered truthfully.

'For all we know, girl. Yall are broken up. And even if you're not. Yall are hanging
by a thread. You are 19, Bee. You're not married. You don't owe anyone. I'm not
saying go f*ck someone if you don't want to. But if it IS what you want to do. Be
inhibited. Go for it. I got your back".

I frowned up my face, "You just saying that so you can f*ck him".

"Don't make me get Chris to call you a nigger. Cuz that was a nigger comment. I
can get him right now if I wanted".

"Then why would you do a threesome?"

"Cuz I wanna see your f*ck face. I'm thinking it would be hilarious" she
responded.

I didn't even get a chance to respond and Rih was waving the guy over. Oh shit.
Was she really going to try to seduce him into a threesome? Right from the club?
I couldn't go through with anything like that....could I?

"How yall doing" he said in a deep, baritone voice.

I shuttered when I heard it. Rih just smiled.

"We're good. Just wondering wassup with you tonight" she said seductively.

He raised an eyebrow at this.

"Nothing planned. Why?" he said looking right at me. I had to turn away from
him. This was embarrassing.

"Me and my girl got an itch we need scratching. You a good sctatcher?" Rih said,
no shame in her game.

His calm demeanor switched up. He was nervous at this, which was funny. Even
the mature guy could be totally f*cked up over Rihanna. She had that power.

"I...I can do that" he said, "Yall need a drink?"

Rihanna frowned, "Nope. We want to be sober. We don't know you".

I wanted another drink, though. I didn't think I could do this while being sober.
But in the blur of the moment, we were all leaving the club together and I hadn't
spoken a word. I felt like I wasn't in control. But yet my feet were moving and
they were following the sexy man and my friend to our cars.

Rihanna made things even more akward when she grabbed the guys crotch out
of nowhere. He jumped back.

"Yo, what the hell?"

"Sorry. I had to check. Make sure you working with someone" she smiled.

He was shocked by the little firecracker. But he laughed anyway. Hell, maybe he
liked it. We decided to go to a hotel that wasn't far. It felt surreal. I was seriously
doing this. When Rih and I got in the car, she looked over at me.

"Bee, you sure you wanna do this? I can send his ass home right now if you're
feeling a certain way right now. I don't ever want to coerce you".

"It's no that I don't want to" I finally spoke, "I am so horny. And just thinking
about it has me so wet. I just don't know if I can actually do it. I mean, Chris".

"Ok, well let me wave the guy over and tell him nevermind".

"No" I barked, which surprised her.

"No?" she asked.

"I want to do it, Rih. I want to do something I want to do. I'm tired of thinking
about others".

It was true. I wanted to be selfish. Completely selfish. I didn't want to think about
doing the right thing. Keeping secrets, hiding relationships, not wanting to hurt
feelings, wanting to be there for depressed people, it was all so tiring. It was all
something that I didn't have the energy to deal with. At least not now. At the very
least, tonight. I needed this night to enjoy for myself. It was all about me. No one
else.

"You sure?" she asked.

I nodded. She took a deep breath and we kept going, pulling into the parking lot.
He paid for the room and as me and Rih waited in the car. She was looking at me,
still trying to make sure I was down. I was terrified. But I was also horny. It was a
deep sensation. Deep and satisfying. When he came back out, I realized I didn't
even know this guys name. He waved us in and for a second I remained frozen in
the seat.
Rih looked, "You ok?"

I started breathing hard. I wanted to be ok. But this was another out of character
experience for me. I really didn't know this man. And after being in charge of the
health chair for a year in NAACP and talking to people about safe sex and smart
behavior when it came to sex, I felt like I was betraying myself. And what about
Chris? What kind of betrayal would this be?

I got out of the car and held my arms together as I walked. Rih needed me to
speak up.

"Bee. Please. Are you sure you're ok with this?"

I nodded.

"No. I need you to tell me".

"I'm fine with it. I'm just nervous. But I'm ok. You're doing it with me" I said.

She held my hand as we followed the guy inside. Once inside the room, I got
surrounded by goosebumps. It was so cold, the AC blowing hard. He walked over
and turned it down some before sitting on the bed. RIhanna continued holding
my hand and searching me. I gave her a smile to let her know I was down for
this.

The guy took off his jacket and laid it on the bed. It was King sized but still likely
wouldn't fit all three of us unless we were in special positions. I didn't even know
what to expect. I wanted to shower. Clean my private parts really good before
some guy I didn't even know had the privilege of....

"You girls lesbians or something?" he asked, his deep voice dripping with dark
chocolate.

"Why it matter? Only thing you need to know is we need some dick. That's all we
need from you" Rihanna said, hand on her hip.

He laughed at this, "I don't think I've ever been used before"".

"First time for everything" Rih smiled.

He swallowed. I could tell she was driving him wild. Hell, her voice was driving me
wild. I could hardly contain myself. I could feel the juices dripping down my inner
thigh.

"Your friend don't talk?" he said looking at me.

Rih looked at me too. I guess they both needed me to partake in this

conversation that acted both as foreplay, and a form of consent.

"I f*ck. That's all you need to know. I don't need small talk" I smiled, trying to be
sexy.

They both laughed, "Keyword on small talk" Rihanna added.

"Aight then. No more talk needed" Rihanna said.

Everyone was frozen. I guess everyone a little scared, even confident ass
Rihanna. But she made the first move. She walked over towards him. I followed
her. He met us halfway and we stood in front of the foot of the bed, me on his
right and Rih on his left. I bet he felt like he was in heaven. It was very sexy.
Knowing I was about to make some guys night. Hell, maybe his week, month,
year, maybe give him the most memorable night of his life. He looked so thirsty,
like he just wanted to devour both of us. I wanted him to, anyway. I needed my
pussy ate something serious. And I needed it done good. Without me coaching
him what to do.

"Can yall kiss each other first?" he asked, grinning at both of us.

The question made me even hornier. I looked at my best friend and got chills. I
don't know why at that point it was so strong. But I really noticed how beautiful
she was. I had never seen her look so sexy as she did then. And for some reason,
my mouth watered when I looked at her lips. She looked at me with the same
eyes. Rihanna always skated around the question when I asked if she was
bisexual. But I always accepted that she was. But me? I was straight. I never had
thoughts about other women. I was strickly dickly, as they said.

But I wanted to follow through on the mans request. I wanted to kiss her and she
wanted to kiss me. So I closed my eyes. I anticipated and I breathed out. And
when I breathed in for air, I also took in her tongue in my mouth. I jumped. Her
hands rested on my waist as her lips softly kissed mine. I kissed back, except it
was with virgin lips. I kissed like I had never kissed before. I was shaking. Her
touch was so warm but yet so frightening. But I kissed her back. Our tongues
swirled together and we tasted.

A hand that didn't belong to Rih touched my ass and I felt the guy breathing in on
my cheek.

"Hell yea" he said aloud.

I opened my eyes and felt angry. What the hell was he doing? And then I
remembered. This was a threesome. I was suppose to have sex with this guy.
Wasn't I? I felt like I had been jogging because I was breathing so hard and
sweating even in the cold room. But when I looked at the guy, I realized I really
didn't want to have sex with him. I felt as if he had interrupted what I really
wanted to continue.
"Go get us some ice" Rihanna said to the guy after she had looked at me.

"What?" he asked, sounding annoyed.

"Some ice. Go get some. We need it...." she demanded.

He eyed her for awhile and then got a smile on his face.

"Oh I see. Yall like them games with ice. I can do that. But don't start without me"
he grinned.

Rih wasn't grinning. And when he left, she went to her purse. I didn't understand
what she was doing. But I watched. She pulled out a marker and started scribbing
on a piece of paper.

"How much was the room?" she asked me.

"I think it was $59.99" I shrugged.

She reached into her waller and pulled out some 20 dollar bills.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She didn't say a word, just showed me what she wrote.

We changed our mind. Sorry for wasting your time. Here is 80 dollars. Goodbye.

She opened the door and put the money in the envelope before closing the door.
I guess he didn't have the key card to get inside. What was she up to?

"RIh, what-"

I didn't even get the chance to get it out. My open mouth was filled with her
tongue. Something took over from there. Lust. Instincts. Love. I don't know. But I
kissed her with intense aggression as her hands explored my body and mine
explored hers. I was always one that said I would follow my heart and do what
felt right. When I decided to be with Chris. It felt right. When I decided to give
Carter head in the car that night. It felt right. And as Rihanna removed my dress
from over my head and I closed my eyes from her kissing on my neck, I knew this
felt as right, if not more right than those moments.

Gravity knocked me on the bed and Rihanna fell on top of me. I grabbed her ass
and squeezed it while wrapping my legs around her. What were we doing? And
why did I want it so bad? Why did each kiss she gave on my neck and collar bone
and lips feel so good? I wanted to feel her breast. I had seen them so many
times but I wanted to feel them. Touch them in a way that I never touched them
before. Intimately.
I reached around her back and undid her straps. When her bra fell down, I leaned
in. Her nipples were pierced and the piercing on my tongue was a buzz to my
overall senses. I closed my eyes and just allowed my body to take over. I shut off
my mind, my conscious. I kissed her titties and she moaned. We were both
breathing so hard. Like we were both having asthma attacks.

She pushed my bra up some and licked my nipples. She flicked it back and forth
with her tongue. I nearly screamed. And then I heard bamming at the door.

"Hey. What the hell? CHanged your mind?"

I opened my eyes and looked towards the door. He sounded pissed. I looked back
at Rih to see if we should stop. But her eyes were intense. She didn't care about
his banging. She didn't seem like she even heard it. She seemed only focused on
me. She leaned in and we kissed again. And I felt at peace. F*ck him.

She moved down the bed and I followed her with my eyes. We locked eyes as she
reached for the ends of my panties and began moving them down my waist, and
then my legs, and then my ankles. I made it easier for her by moving the proper
way so she could get them down. She didn't even waste time. I watched as she
took my pussy in her mouth. And she watched me watch her. And I screamed
out.

"Oh hell naw. Yall in there f*cking? That is messed up" the guy said outside.

But I couldn't stop moaning. Rih had my entire vagina in her mouth and she was
still fixated on me. She eye f*cked me as her tongue slid inside my pussy. I was
sure I was drowning her with all of my pussy juices. She lifted my legs in the air
and I looked down and noticed my clit was all the way exposed. She went for it.
Licking it in a way that it's never been licked before.

Carter ate me out good. Chris was decent. But never had having my pussy ate
felt this good. She was doing everything right. EVERYTHING. And all I could do in
response was moan and breath like I was about to suffocate. And she never
stopped looking at me while she did it. She did say at the club that she wanted to
see my f*ck face. She was getting her wish.

"Can yall please reconsider?" I heard him say right as I came.

I yelled out. I yelled like I was in labor. My orgasm was just too intense, too
strong. But Rihanna didn't care. She kept eating me out. Even after I had came
the first time. In just another minute, I was cumming again. Multiple orgasms...a
first for me.

And then she came up and kissed me. And I tasted my pussy on her tongue. And
it tasted good. But she wasn't done yet, far from it. She pulled me up and we
kissed some more, but she put her hands around my bare ass. I was fully under
her control. Whatever she wanted, she got. And she wanted me on my knees.
She bent me over in the doggystyle positon and from behind she started licking
my pussy again. But this time, she shoved her index finger in my ass. I screamed
again at this new sensation. But I didn't tell her to stop. She owned me. And she
moved her finger inside and out while her tongue wrestled with my protruding
clitoris.

And she did this for awhile, spanking me on the ass a few times. She didn't spank
soft either. She smacked my ass like it had done her wrong. And she smacked it
again. I screamed because it hurt. But I still didn't want her to stop. And she
didn't stop. She ate my pussy until I was about to cum for the third time. And she
could sense it as my knees grew weak and I started the pre-orgasm shake. She
returned that index finger to my asshole and started finger f*cking me. I didn't
know how. But another two fingers entered inside of my pussy and yet tongue
still played with my clit. And it was all too much to take. I screamed for Dear
Jesus, as I had a pussy numbing orgasm.

I felt weak. And dizzy. And burning hot. And then I collapsed. I just laid on my
face butt naked, after having f*ck that literally put me to sleep. I woke up the
next morning wondering if it was a dream. If I had maybe fallen asleep in my bed
after arguing with Chris and that I had dreamed the entire night with Rihanna.

But when I opened my eyes, I realized I wasn't in my bed. And then I saw Rihanna
sleeping next to me. The sobriety of the situation was overwhelming. I shot up
and panicked.

"Oh my God. That was real" I said.

Rih woke up behind me wiping her eyes. She seemed annoyed.

"Huh?"

"Rihanna. We had sex. Oh my God. I'm going to hell" I said, tears in my eyes
when I got up.

I was still naked and I felt ashamed. I scrambled to look for my clothes. She was
still wiping her eyes but she ended up giggling seeing me act a fool.

"Well you were in heaven last night" she grinned.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" I cried, "We had sex for real?" I said in disbelief.

She sighed and threw the covers over her head.

"Oh my God. I really am going to hell. This isn't right" I said.

"Bee. There isn't a hell. And even if there was. You were going there anyway for
f*cking before marriage" she said from under the covers.
"Chris" I said, thinking about him.

"Oh. He called you last night" she said.

"Rih, I gotta go".

"Why?" she said, taking the covers from over her head.

"Cuz...I....I gotta just go...I'm sorry. I will call you later".

She laughed, "Beyonce. Calm down. How do you think you even got here? My
car. I gotta take you home".

"I will...catch the bus home...or I can walk. It's not far. I just need to think, Rih" I
said, while putting on my panties and looking all around the room for my bra.

"Bee. Are you ok? I hope you ain't mad" she said, sounding more concerned now.

"I'm not mad. I just...can't believe I did that. And Chris. What is he going to
think?"

"Why tell him, Bee? He doesn't need to know".

"Because me and him are honest. And I can't not tell him. I don't know" I said
finally finding my bra under the bed, "I just gotta think".

I got dressed and she watched me. She didn't say anything. I think she was upset
that i was acting this way. And the truth was I wasn't mad at her. She had given
me mind blowing orgasms. But I was mad at the morning after feelings I had
now. It's morning was all I could think of. Now it was time to deal with the
consequences of a night of...whatever the hell that was.

"I will call you later, ok? I promise" I said.

"....Ok" she sighed.

I left. And the first thing I did was take the bus to the confessional at Michelle's
church. I hadn't been to church in so long. And even though I had been
fornicating and drinking and stuff. I didn't feel so sinful until now. I had really had
sex with a girl. And....I liked. Did this make me ghay? What did this mean? How
could I have sex with my best friend and like it? And just move on from it?

"Father. I have sinned" I said once inside the confessional.

I remember crying and then saying a bunch of nonsense. Then I got another call
from Chris right in t he middle of telling him I had sex with another girl and if that
meant I was a homosexual. And I left right in the middle of him giving me some
scripture. I was so afraid of what my future held. I could do what Rih suggested.
Don't tell him and then just act like normal. But that would be stressful. I'd have a
guilty conscious. And then how can I just pretend me and Rihanna never f*cked
after a night like that?

I stressed with it all day. Eventually, I decided to give Chris a call back. His voice
was so soft and sorrowful when he answered.

"Hey" he said.

"Hey" I said softly.

"Can I see you tonight?"

I told him yes. And locked myself in my room trying to figure if I was going to tell
him or not. The thing I always loved about Chris was I could tell him anything. But
this? This would kill him. I knew it would. But I didn't want to lie to him either.
Even when I was driving to his house I hadn't figured out yet if I would tell him or
not.

He met me at his door and the first thing he did was hug me. I held him hard and
I broke down. I was so sorry for everything we had argued about and how I had
acted the previous night. And I felt even worse that I was on the verge of keeping
that secret from him. He ended up apologizing for the fight. He said he loved me
and I told him I loved him. And when we locked eyes, I knew he meant it. Chris
loved me. I truly believed he did.

And that made it even harder to look in his eyes. When he saw me avoiding eye
contact, I was sure he knew something was wrong. I tried to hide it, but I couldn't.
I always gave away what i was feeling.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I didn't say anything. He put his arm on my shoulder as I cried.

"Beyonce, what's wrong?"

I couldn't speak. He took a deep breath and exhaled aggressively. His biggest
fears had returned.

"Did something happen last night?" he asked.

I just looked at him. I didn't have to answer with words.

"You had sex with someone else?" he asked, struggling to get the words out.

I lowered my head. I couldn't even look at him. I felt so bad.

He closed his eyes and exhaled again. Then let go of my back and rubbed his
hands through his air. He was struggling with accepting it just as I was struggling
with accepting. I had cheated on him. Even if our relationship had been on the
ropes. I knew we had not officially broken up. I knew it. And I knew I couldn't hide
behind any excuse that said otherwise. I cheated on him. The guy that had been
my everything.

"I thought so. When you didn't call me back at all" he said.

"I'm sorry" I managed to get out, my eyes and nose both leaking.

He looked me over. But he didn't look at me like I was dirty, which was what i
expected. He looked at me with still loving eyes. And my heart melted. He put his
arm around my shoulder and brought me in to him. I laid my had on his shoulder
as he rubbed my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I love you" I said softly.

He didn't respond with words. He just kissed my head. A long and tender kiss.

"You don't hate me?" I asked, laughing with tears all in my eyes.

"I love you" he answered.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked.

"I still want to be with you" he answered.

I grabbed his hand. We sat like this for awhile.

"Who was it with?" he asked as he held me.

This was a loaded question. And I struggled with how to answer. I could have lied
and just said some random guy from the club. I could have twisted it to where it
seemed like a meaningless f*ck to get my mind off him. You know, say I was
drunk and he was there to comfort me and blah blah blah. I could have said it to
help pick up his broken ego. But I didn't want to tell a half truth. I wanted to know
if Chris could love and still accept me after I told him the whole truth. If he could
see all of me and still want me.

I sat up and looked him in his eyes. I wanted to see how he reacted when I told
him. His eyes never lied.

"Rihanna".

He turned red at the mention of her name. He turned red and he tensed up. And
then breathed our sharply and looked away from me. I continued to hold his
hand.
"Chris. I still want to be with you. It was a one time thing".

"Her? Of all people? I thought you told me you weren't bisexual" he said.

"I'm not" I said which sounded dumb as soon as it left my mouth.

He let go of my hand and stood up.

"Beyonce. What the hell? You have sex with a woman. You are bisexual" he
yelled.

I looked up at him and my tears came again, "It's hard to explain Chris.
Everything is so hard right not. But even though what happened last night
happened. I'm not bisexual. I'm not ghay. It just kind of happened".

"Bullshit, Beyonce. Bull. Shit. What kind of fool do you take me as? So if I f*cked
some guy last night, I could come back and say I'm not ghay?"

"Chris I don't know. I'm just telling you I'm not".

"So what? Was it love? Why her? Her of all people. I told you that she would try to
turn you out when you told me you thought she was bi. And you laughed it off.
And said it wouldn't happen. I freaking knew you would f*ck her".

I felt so defenseless. I had nothing I could say that could prove my words as valid.
My actions had painted me in a corner of no return. And there was nothing I could
do, but cry.

"Dont cry. Don't f*cking cry. You don't get to cry this time" he said, tears filling
his eyes.

"Chris I am sorry. I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I didn't mean for
it to happen".

"Ok then. Say I forgive that. Then what? We just move on like nothing happened?
And every day when you're with her I have to wonder if you are f*cking her
again?"

"Chris it's not like that with us. We are friends" I sighed because I couldn't explain
it to where he'd understand.

"Friends that have sex. Ok" he laughed bitterly.

"Friends that had a lapse in judgment, Chris".

He was pacing back and forth now.

"Beyonce. You can't have both of us. You can't have your lesbian friend that you
f*ck anytime we are arguing and then me when it's convenient for you".

I looked at him hard, "Are you giving me an ultimatum?"

"I'm telling you that you can't have us both" he said sternly.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. Forcing me to choose between him and my
best friend?

"Chris. No. She is my best friend. I need her".

"Do you need her like you need me?" he asked, surprisingly calm. He was
focused on me.

I was speechless. And the tears made it hard for me to even see him straight. My
throat was hurting from crying.

"Chris. That is not fair" I yelled, barely able to talk.

"It's simple. Just answer. Do you need her like you need me?"

I put my face in my hands and just cried. There was no way I could answer that
question truthfully and not have him take it the wrong way. I was defeated. There
was nothing else I could say. Nothing else that would ease the sting off the
answer to that question, in his mind.

"Beyonce. I want you to leave" he said as I cried.

I looked up at him. He was emotionless. Dead. Like we were millions of lightyears

apart instead of only a few feet. I tried to open my mouth to say something else
but he didn't even give me the chance. He turned around and walked into his
room, leaving me on his sofa in tears. He shut his door and it closed with a hard
thud. The walls shook from the force of it. I had spent so many happy days over
here. Laughing with him. Eating with him. Making bodily music with him. And
making love to him. And now this.

I gathered my belongings and stood up. I looked towards his door. Wanting to
open it and make things right, but realizing we had gone too far to simply fix this.
A band aid could not fix our broken hearts.

"Don't forget what happened to the man that got everything he wanted" I
screamed towards the door.

It was the Willy Wonka Quote that ended the movie. The one Chris said was his
favorite. He said it made him believe in fairy tales. It made him believe in us. I
waited for a reply that never came. As if my call to him was just a gust of wind.
I closed the door behind me and walked to my car as the rain clouds formed in
the sky.

"He lived happily ever after" I said to myself, finishing off the quote.

Chapter 27

She was really starting to creep me out, this Rihanna character. We had sex. She
knew we had sex. Hell, she had done all of the work. But here we were three days
later and she still had not even mentioned our impromptu get down. I avoided
her the first date just because I didn't know what to say. I felt extremely
embarrassed by the entire thing. I couldn't understand why I let it even happen. I
kept replaying the night over and over. The three-some that I stupidly agreed to
then the moment I let my defenses down completely and let Rihanna kiss me. I
lost it at that point. My mind shut off and I let her hands take over. She was all
over me and all I could do was take it all in. And she WENT all in. The girl ate my
pussy like she was in a pie eating contest, no hands and all. She devoured
everything that my pussy gave her. And to top it all off, she jammed a finger up
my ass while I was cumming.

How was I suppose to respond to this? I was so confused about how I felt about it.
And my confusion was doubled because she seemed to carry on like the night
never even happened. She called me and left a message about some movie she
just got through watching. The tone of her voice was the same as it had always
been. The next day she sent me a text reminding me that we had yoga. I never
responded to either. I was too afraid and confused and embarrassed.

And then there was the Chris thing. I was still heartbroken over that. We were
officially over and judging by the box full of things he had left on my front porch, I
figured he didn't want anything else to do with me. In a way I understood why he
felt that way. I betrayed him. And I betrayed him with a person I said was nothing
more than a friend. He was always worried that Rih was a bad influence on me
and would somehow turn me out, and my sporadic night with her made his
nightmare come true.

But I still felt that me and Rih were just friends, nothing more. And that is what
most frightened me about this. There wasn't anyway I could rationalize that we
were just friends after I had orgasmed in her mouth. And it was creeping me out
that apparently she was trying to carry on like we were still just friends. But then
again, maybe this wasn't something so hard to deal with for her. Maybe she had
done this type of thing before. Sex was always so casual for her, that maybe she
could eat me out on Friday and we could chill out on Saturday like nothing
happened. Maybe she really did use sex as a means to get a nut and nothing
else. But the issue with that was, she didn't get a nut. She had pleasured me.
What did she get out of it? She had to get something. My question was what?

I was pondering that all day as well as if this made me....ghay. It scared me to
even think about it. I would have never thought in a million years I'd be one of
the girls that went off to college and got turnt' out. It didn't make sense to me.
But it happened and there was nothing I could do to take it back. I willingly had
sex with another woman. And...I liked it. Oh lord. What did this mean? What did
this make me?

My strategy of ignoring Rihanna while I tried to find answers to these questions

were interrupted when her ass showed up to my door so we could go do yoga. I
wasn't even prepared to go and I figured she'd catch the hint because I never
returned her calls. Knowing her, she probably did catch the hint, and simply
refused to acknowledge it. That's just how she was. We could fight one day, and
the next day it would be like we never ever said a negative word to each other. I
always found it cute how easy she could forget. Cute and annoying. But this time,
it was creepy. Could she really just forget about that?

Michelle opened the door for her and told her I was in my room. It was at this
point I had to face the music. Either that or hurt her feelings by telling her I
wasn't coming. I wasn't very good at hurting someones feelings or saying no so I
reluctantly invited her in my room. My heart was thumping when she came in. I
hated being so nervous around her. She always made me feel so comfortable any
other time, but it was still only a few days after she had sexually dominated me. I
had no way of preparing for how to deal with the aftershocks. It made it worse
that she smelled exactly like she smelled that night. She smelled good.

She was wearing sweats and a tank top and had her hair in a headwrap. Her
hazel green eyes twinkled like they normally did, but seemed to be extra clued in
on my own. I couldn't even look her in the eye.

"Hey" I mumbled under my breath.

"Why you ain't dress yet shawty?" she smirked.

"I got up late" I lied.

"Well hurry up then. I got my car running and shit."

"I still have to shower" I said.

"Go shower then. 5 minutes, though. Don't be taking them extra prolonged
showers like you normally do. Wipe ya pussy and face and come on" she said, no
different than how she'd give me orders any other time.

I smiled since I didn't know what else to do and she left my room. As I cleaned
myself in the shower I thought about how she told me to wash my pussy. I
wondered how she could even mention that phrase without thinking about our
night together. It frustrated me because I was doing everything in my power to
not think of it. Such a charged word made it impossible for me. Why not her?

This little back and forth internally went on for the duration of my shower. If it
were possible I would have stayed in there until I died, but Michelle knocked on
the door and told me Rih was growing impatient. I decided I was going to have to
woman up and stop being so afraid of just facing this shit. Ok, so we had sex. So
what? So f*cking what? Dry yourself off Beyonce and go do yoga. Take your mind
off of the shit you don't want to think about.

The little pep talk worked for a bit. I got in the car with Rih and we jumped right
into normal conversation; which for us meant gossip and shit talk. The fact that
nothing about her had changed was a little comforting. She was still herself.
Mean, quick, energetic, and full of spunk. She didn't make me feel totally stupid
for avoiding her for a few days, and that was cool.

So we did yoga and it really made me feel alive. My body needed it. The stress of
the past few weeks had literally made me feel old as shit. Body aches and
tenderness and tingly limbs and fatigue. But the yoga was just what the doctor
ordered. I loved stretching and meditating and releasing the negative energy
from my body. And my body had a ton of it that morning. Most of them mental
and emotional but all off them weighing heavily on me. But I felt them releasing
in the air conditioned air of the room, filled with 10 more girls, not including the
instructor. Rihanna was a lot more flexible than me when we first started, but I
glanced her way at one point and I saw that I had really come a long way. The
yoga along with the weekly life modeling had really transformed by body and
mind. Together, they could move and bend and glide as far as my imagination
could take them. And it felt good.

I couldn't help but notice Rihanna with her eyes closed, moving with the rest of
us. Although I no longer saw anyone else, just her. She seemed deep in thought,
lost in the poetry that was her body. And I lost myself in her symmetry. It was
weird seeing her in this light. But I didn't particularly hate it, not at this moment
at least. She was beautiful. And she was my best friend. And I knew she had my
back. I just hoped that our little night together wouldn't be blown out of
proportion and our friendship would be in jeopardy.

And I kept finding myself looking at her. She was totally in another world. The
usual smirk on her face was gone. She was in tune with her body and her
movements. She always spoke about how meditating was helping her become
more spiritual and this was one way it did. I was a bit memorized even watching
her. I managed to catch myself as I eyed her and it totally pissed me off. What
the hell am I doing? Am I fantasizing about her? God, what is wrong with me?
What had this b*tch done to me? I bit on the sides of my cheek as I started
getting frustrated. She was just breathing in and out like shit was normal. But it
really wasn't. It wasn't normal.

I tried not to cloud my head with those thoughts. I tried to breath and relax and
focus on my spirit and not my carnal being. I needed to focus on the spiritual
exercise of this class. Everything was so peaceful in yoga class. Peaceful like the
waves of the beach. And the voice of the instructor with the light music playing
only added to it. I closed my own eyes for a moment to fully cleanse myself. And I
drifted.

We decided to do a little bit of the treadmil after the class. I hadn't worked out in
a minute so I needed it. I smiled thinking that this was the place where Rih and
me met. I was about 30 pounds heavier then. And she thought I was perfect the
way I was. She still would tell me she wished I wouldn't have lost the weight. She
said I was a bad b*tch either way, but she thought I was more naturally beautiful
when she first met me. I didn't know how to take it, but I always took it. I didn't
gain the weight back, but I always thought that maybe I should.

We engaged in chat chit like we normally did. And I guess somewhere along the
way, I calmed the hell down. I still wanted to yell at her for taking me to this
place of insecurity about myself and us for that matter, but I loved her too much
to be mad at it. She obviously saw that it was something I desired at that
moment and she gave me what I thought I wanted. Could I be mad at her for
that? I didn't think so. But I could be mad at her for not bringing it up and just
acting like nothing happened. When we left to go get brunch, she caught me
gazing out the window.

"What chu thinkin bout?" she asked.

I turned my head but remained silent for a second. I didn't want to tell her what I
was thinking about.

"I'm thinking about why we go get doughnuts after working out. What kind of shit
is that?" I smirked.

She laughed, "Girl. We work to look good. We eat junk because it feels good. As
long as we can balance the shit, then who cares, right?"

"Yeah but you stay eating some junk food after working out. It trips me out. I
remember you got a big mac on the way home the first time I met you".

"I don't believe in torturing myself. If I want something. I go get it. I ain't with that
starving myself like other models. Shit. I remember after this nigga did me wrong
one time I ate a whole family sized bag of Munchies and then an entire bag of
Oreos, double stuffed. F*ck all that. It made me feel so much better too. Gluttony
is a deadly sin and all that, but the shit feels good. I go with that everytime".

"And that is why your ass will be in hell" I teased.

She chuckled to herself, "Even if Heaven existed, I wouldn't wanna be up there

with the goody goodies. Plus, I imagine God has it mad wack up there. No junk
food. Nothing but veggies and shit. No sex. No good music. No Reality TV. I don't
think I could deal with it, Bee".

I knew she was dead serious which is why I laughed at it.

"You are a heathen" I said.

"Bee, you a smart chick. Why you do the church thing anyway? You really believe
in that shit? Talking bushes and God creating the earth in 7 days and Virgin Mary
bullshit? We all know that girl was out there ing just like the rest of em. Maury
just wasn't around back then".

I laughed a bit before turning serious.

"Yeah. I believe in it. I'm sorry. I was just raised that way. My family is all in the
church and everything. And I do feel like it's more than science at work in the
world. Life seems too complex to be all about natural selection and evolution".

"But evolution explains a lot of things though, Bee".

"But do it explain everything?" I smiled.

"Like what?"

"Like....why we have clits" I grinned hard, because I knew it would shake her up.

She frowned up at this.

"Lawd Jesus, take the wheel" she hollered as if I was crazy.

I laughed hard, "No. For real though. You ever thought about it? The clitoris
serves no other function on our body except to give us pleasure. So how did our
bodies know to put a clit on us to make us wanna f*ck?" I said, trying to challenge
her.

She chewed on this. She didn't say nothing although she was looking deranged.
She made the funniest faces as she drove and pondered this pseudo
philosophical question.

"Know what. Whatever. Maybe you got me there. But if God created man with a
dick that could shoot piss and semen and give orgams then his sexist ass better
give our coochies some orgasm power too, dammit. God prolly got hip ti shit and
realized that Eve woulda killed Adam if he was getting all the pleasure from
tapping that ass and all she got was child birth with no drugs. Hell no. Women
woulda rebelled. He knew that. So one point for Creationism and 6 million points
for Evolution".

We both laughed our way to Krispy Kreme. We got two dozen doughnuts and left
for her to take me home. Her favorite were powedered. We once ate a whole bag
of powdered doughnuts together because she was depressed after being not
getting the gig she thought she had in the bag. Rihanna was generally a happy
girl, but when she became sad, she dealt with it in one of two ways. By eating a
lot of junk or by cutting. Both could be considered a harm to her body, but we
disagreed on which was more unhealthy. She contested that cutting was a lot
safer than binging, because she never cut too deeply and the scars eventually
healed. I thought cutting was a disgusting and almost sadistic act. She'd claim I
only felt that way because I never tried it and therefore couldn't understand the
pleasure of self inflicted pain. I rolled my eyes everytime when she said it. And
when I knew she was sad, I'd buy some junk food and spend the night over her
house, making sure she stuffed her face instead of being near a knife.

I chewed on a glazed doughnut while she talked about nothing in particular. My

mind wasn't very interested in the emptiness of her words. Once again I was
thinking about the other night, but more specifically, why we were avoiding the
subject. If it was heavily on my mind, I knew somewhere in that crazy ass brain of
hers, she had to be thinking about it too. She wasn't that dense. When she pulled
in my parking lot, I sat frozen because I was frustrated that in the three hours we
had spent together that morning, we still hadn't talked about what we needed to
be talking about. I couldn't be like her. I couldn't just avoid the conversation and
keep it moving. She had tasted me. Kissed me. F*cked me into submission. Could
she do all that as casually as she was eating that damn Cream filled doughnut?
My freaky mind wondered which was sweeter. I laughed to myself unexpectedly.

"What's so funny" she asked, while still chewing.

I looked at her and shook my head, "nothing".

"Nothing what, girl? It ain't healthy to just be laughing out of nowhere for no
reason. That mean you need to see a doctor or somethin'. Don't tell me ya crazy"
she smiled.

I giggled. She had a way of keeping me giggling.

"It's just" I started before stopping. Man this was so difficult. To just jump into this
discussion. How do you initiate a conversation about this? Like, where do I even
start?

"What's wrong, Bee?" she asked me.

This was just too surreal. It seemed like a dream. Like I was still dreaming about
what happened between us. That it was some distant fantasy that my mind
forced me to have but didn't really happen. Maybe that was why when my mouth
opened, I presented my thoughts like it was a dream.

"I had crazy dream. Like. 3 days ago" I said, avoiding eye contact with her.

She took another bite of her doughnut, "Uhhmmm".

"And. Well, it involved you" I said.

"Dream or nightmare?" she asked.

"It wasn't a nightmare" I laughed, "It was....a very...unique dream".

She was sucking her fingers by then, smacking loudly. It reminded me of the
noises I heard in the bedroom that night as she licked my sweetness.

"So wha happened in da dream?" she asked.

I looked at her, "We....kinda had sex".

She smiled, "Really? We did? Was I any good in this dream?"

I was turning red by now. But her decision to follow me in this conversation made
me smile. Crazy ass.

"You were wonderful.....in the dream" I said.

"So what were you thinking about? You ain't like the dream?"

"No. I liked it. But that's the thing. I'm not pose' to be liking sex dreams bout my
best friend".

"Who says?"

"God, for one" I smiled.

She rolled her eyes, "Ok. Aside from white Jesus. Who else".

"Me, Rih. The...dream was so very incredible and hot and sexy. But it was equally
scary and alarming and confusing. And I just feel conflicted about the...dream.
And even though the dream was something I enjoyed. I don't want it mess up
what I have with my friend".

She smiled, "Everyone dreams, Beyonce. Don't feel ashamed for the type of
dream you had. It was just a dream".

"Just a dream?" I repeated.

"Just a lost memory. Remember it how you wish to remember it" she smiled.

**

The election was coming to a close and most were predicting that despite my
monster party, Nicki was going to be class President. She had too much
influence, too many friends, and too much negative shit to say about me. It was
damn near impossible to fight against a confirmation bias, and the people that
already didn't like me used the situation with Chris to validate in their mind why
they didn't. It was all bullshit. But what could I do? Really, what could I do?

I needed a miracle to turn the tide in my favor as the week of voting began. At
this point, the entire process had worn me out and I was just happy it was going
to be over soon. I could already tell politics was something I'd never want to be
involved with post-graduation. The mud slinging, the backdoor deals, the public
swaying. It was theater at best and a bukakke at worst.

Nicki was constantly making comments on facebook, suggesting she was being
humble about her apparent victory over me. She was posting bible scriptures and
quotes from philosophers and politicians and shit. It irked me because I knew her
entire facade was disingenuous. She was the type of person that could turn
humility into a mockery. She had a knack for it. I knew one day she would make a
great politician.

I was prepared to accept my defeat as the third day of votes came in. There was
no way of knowing who was winning but I gauged by simply following the chatter
on campus and the social networking sites. Kids these days couldn't keep
anything to themselves. If they had taken the time, about five minutes, to log
onto the school site to vote for someone then they obviously had to let everyone
on twitter or facebook know. I had once deleted my facebook profile because I
didn't want Carter to think I was young acting, but I created a new one because it
was important for me to connect with my peers. Young acting or not, facebook
could be the shit at times.

My wall was blowing up with people writing "Team Beyonce" on it. Jarvis had
successfully convinced his inner circle to all vote for me but there was still more
Team Nicki support that I would run across. I had never stopped to realize it until
that moment, but I was really becoming one of the most popular people period
on campus. I always thought I'd love that type of attention when i first decided to
go off to school. I still remembered my first day on campus and how I actually felt
honored by the immature catcalls from the random niggas around the city. It was
crazy how things had changed.

They were annoying now. The attention was so much of a mixed bag. Sure there
were a lot of compliments and friendly faces but there was an equal amount of
side comments and eye rolling. And the weird thing was I didn't know half of the
people that had such a strong opinion about me. I had to piece together the
events to realize how it had gotten to this point.

The first major event was the party with Tip. I was called "16" by a lot of people
then. I was known as the young homeschool girl that was almost raped at the
party until SuperTip saved me from myself. He got a pat on his ass for his heroics
and I was looked down upon as a child that couldn't take care of herself. I hated
that era of my life so much. I was an outcast. But I wasn't some loner person that
no one noticed. I was noticed by everyone but no one would acknowledge me. It
is even more hurtful to know everyone is watching you, waiting for you to make a
mistake or need saving again. It even got around to the faculty. I was already one
of the youngest students living on campus, and that scare made sure I had
dedicated watchdog groups. Some wanting to make sure I would be ok and some
wanting to be there so they could get a front row seat when I fell.

I didn't have anything to do but fully throw myself into my work. And that made
me feel better. I learned the ropes of college, how to manage time and money
because of my modeling and when that first year passed and I became an adult
in their eyes, the new chapter began. And now I was Beyonce, the fine ass chick
involved in all of these organizations and now living off campus. And then came
the rivalry with Nicki. Hell maybe it was her rise in popularity that contributed to
mine. When I kissed Tip at that party with her watching and rumors sprouted that
Tip had chosen me over her, I couldn't keep my name out of peoples mouths. It
was fascinating at first. A small distraction in my mind. But it would officially light
a fire in Nicki to bury my ass. But was that my fault? Her being mad at him and
punishing me because of it?

Either way, you combine that with my work with NAACP and my Camile Project,
and both faculty and students knew my name. Heading into the last month of my
junior year, I was on the track to forever leave an impression on the school I
heard so many stories about as a child. A school my tutor said changed her life
for the better. At this point, I couldn't tell if FAMU was changing my life for the
better or the worst. I loved my school but the experiences that it was providing
was hard to digest. Putting my all into this campaign only to watch a hating b*tch
conquer was just not the way the story should have went. Good triumphed over
evil, right?

The tables turned somewhere on that Thursday morning, and I was going to have
to decide if I was actually the evil one. Some suggestive pictures of Nicki leaked
on facebook and were passed around faster than crabs in a community shower.
The first set showed her in lingerie with captions that read "yall voting for this?"
and the next set showed her laying on a bed, obviously naked, but with her
private parts censored. The person posting the leaked pictures had
"SomeguynamedArnold" as his profile name. But there wasn't any other
identifying information, as the account had just been created. Later that night
posted a still frame video of her. She was in her room. The caption read "what
does class president look like masturbating?" which implied that he had a video
of her playing with herself.

The account was blowing up. I was shocked at what was going on. I had nothing
to do with it but of course everyone looked at me. I denied it. And the more I did,
the more accusations came. The person who posted the pictures said he would
release the full uncensored pictures and videos on Friday night on a website he
had built. Nicki posted on her facebook status that someone had stolen her
laptop and was posting the pictures and videos. When she sent me a facebook
message begging me to do something about it, I felt something for her that I had
never felt before. Empathy.

And this was the crux of being exposed in front of people. I knew Nicki wasn't
ashamed of her body. She would show it off anytime she had a chance to. She
had the perfect ass, doable breast, and a very attractive frame. But having
anyone that dared to click look at her privacy? That was different then being able
to choose how you presented yourself to their eyes. It reminded me of my life
modeling. I was cool posing nude for the art students but I hated for the windows
to be open because I didn't want anyone outside of that circle to see. Exposure
was something we wanted in our hands. And this situation was so far out of
Nicki's control that she was willing to beg the person she despised to help her.
Desperate times...

Beyonce. I know you said you don't have anything to do with what is going on but
can you please do SOMETHING? Those pictures could ruin my entire life. How can
I go into politics with that stuff on the internet forever? Please. I know we have
had our differences in the past. But I am pleading with you. Begging you. Could
you do something to help stop this? The person posting it is obviously in your
camp.
I read the message a few times then pondered. She was right. Although the
person never wrote Team Beyonce or anything, they had implied they were
against Nicki winning this election and they said to vote for the respectable
woman. They also said they would publicly humiliate her once she won. I always
wanted for Nicki to be publicly humiliated because she was always in my shit and
going hard at me. But not like this. I wouldn't want any woman to go through this.
So I did what any woman, real woman, in my shoes would have done.

Whoever is doing this to Nicki. Stop. Take down the site and delete your profile. If
you don't, I am dropping out of the race.

That facebook status update got over a hundred comments. So positive replies,
some negative. I didn't care. The girl didn't deserve that. And whoever in my
camp had decided to do it was truly an ass. Or maybe they were my blessing in
disguise. The site was immediately taken down and the profile was deleted.

Maybe that was the event that changed the tide. Maybe that was when I turned
good in some peoples eyes. But I won the election when the voted were all tallied
by the end of the week. When my senior year started, I would be the class
president of a HBCU. I celebrated with my camp that Sunday night. But I couldn't
help but wonder which of them had stooped so such a low level to secure this
victory for me. Jarvis told me it didn't matter, what was done was done. But
maybe Carter had rubbed off on me. His ethical stance had me feeling like this
entire thing was bittersweet. I wanted to be happy. But I wasn't. And it wasn't just
because of the election. I missed Chris. I missed Carter. I missed innocence. I
missed stress free living. And at some point during the celebration at Apple Bees
I excused myself from the table, went outside for some fresh air and cried. I felt
alone, which made no sense to me considering what was going on in my life. I
had friends and supporters and popularity and success. But I still felt like
something was missing.

I quickly dried my eyes when I heard Michelle walking outside to see if I was ok.

"What chu out here doing?" she asked.

"Thinking" I said, faking a smile and hoping my eyes didn't have much gloss.

"Well you can think later, girl. Come celebrate. You deserve it" she smiled.

I nodded my head and we walked back inside. I put on a smile. Wore my friendly
eyes. Wore my mask. And pretended I was as happy for myself as they seemed
to be for me. How much longer would I have to pretend that I wasn't the wreck
that I secretly knew I was?

**

I didn't really like working at the pet supply store, but the work itself was easy
enough. I just despised working long hours so I could pay my half of the rent. The
owners were nice, a black couple that said their family had owned pet stores for
decades. The store had almost anything you could want, from exotic pet food to
fashion for pets. And the customers ended up being just as diverse as the
inventory was. I could see why this was where Rihanna stopped for her dog.

Aside from the owners, I also worked with their daughter, a skinny tall chick in
her mid 20s and a heavyset white girl. The white girl ended up quitting right
when the owners were set to take their annual vacation together for their
anniversary. They scrambled to find someone to hire as her replacement but it
they couldn't fill the spot fast enough. They were going to just cancel the trip, the
first in their 30 years of marriage, until I stepped in. A choice that I would later
regret. But hey, I was too much of a sucker for shit like that. I was too nice. Too
accommodating. And even though I told them when I first started I couldn't work
full time, I let them know I was willing to fill in as much as they needed while they
took their two week vacation.

"Are you sure, Beyonce? You are in school. You really don't have to" the female
owner said.

"Yes ma'am. I don't want you your trip. The semester is almost over. I can help
you guys out" I smiled.

She thanked me, told me that kind of thing deserved a raise, and then said she
would have her son help out as well. She said he went to FAMU as well. His name
was Jabril, she said. I didn't know any Jabrils at school, so I didn't think much of it
when she mentioned it. Just as long as he knew how to do the work and could be
a real help, I didn't care about him past that.

Maybe I should have asked around, because then I wouldn't have been so
shocked when he came through the door. My face became flushed with horror.
HIM? THAT thing is her SON? Wiz was her son? When he saw me, he was taken
back too. His misstep with me had led to an ass whooping in front of a large
group of people, as well as even more nasty reputation. I didn't see him around
much at school. I had forgot he even existed. I always blocked the events of that
night out of my head, but seeing him here brought me right back. I was
disgusted.

"Jabril, this is who you will be working with. Do you know her?" his father asked.

We locked eyes and I guess he wondered how to answer. Surely he wouldn't tell
his dad, sure, this is the girl I tried to rape three years ago, would he?

"Yeah. I know of her. She just won the election at school" he said casually.

"Good. Well you two have to really work as a team with us gone. Your sister will
be in charge so follow her lead. And remember what we said, Jabril" his dad said,
looking at him hard.
Wiz laughed, "Yeah, Pops. No smoking. I got this. We got this" he said, once again
turning his gave towards me.

He usually looked sleepy when I had seen him. But he was attentive and alive
now. He had grown out his hair into a mini fro. He wore glasses and a backwards
hat. His style resembled the nerd/prep look I had noticed was becoming more
popular on campus. But behind the clothes were all of those damn tattoos I
remembered so vividly. He was seriously going to be screwed once he went into
the work force, unless his goal was to work in the family business like his sister.

Once his parents went over the particulars of running their store again, I went to
the bathroom to call Michelle. I had to tell her who I was working with.

"You won't even believe me when I tell you" I said.

"Who?"

"Wiz"

"The rapist?"

"Yes. That nigga" I barked, just thinking about his lanky ass.

"Oh my God. Really? Why didn't you tell his parents that you can't work with
him?" she asked.

"I don't know. I really don't know. You think I should have?"

"Girl, yes. You gonna be working with him by yourself?"

"No, with his sister too".

"Well, still. I wouldn't trust his butt in no way, shape, or form. I bet they don't
even know about their sons nasty self".

"Yeah. But anyway, I gotta go. We bout to open" I said, checking myself in the
mirror.

"Aight babygirl. Take care of yourself. Call me if you need to" she said.

"I will" I said.

"And don't drink nuttin' around the boy" she added.

I laughed, "Ok girl. I gotta go. Bye".

The first few days working with Wiz and his sister wasn't eventful. I pretty much
made it clear with my body language that I didn't even want the nigga to even
look at me, let alone talk to me. I worked around him not with him. He pretty
much knew how to work the store, having worked there in his teenage years, so
it wasn't like I had to teach him anything. I worked the register mostly, he helped
stock and tend to the small collection of animals we had, and his sisters helped
with customer service.

She checked me one time because I refused to answer a question Wiz had asked
about the price of some doggles. I was going to have to drop my attitude or least
not make it so painfully obvious. I wasn't making this a great working
atmosphere, but could you blame me? This guy had tried to take advantage of
me at a party. His was a certain breed. And those breeds deserved jail, not
respect. I gnawed my teeth each time I had to engage in conversation with him.

He noticed it. He could tell I hated him. And sometimes I even sensed something
that resembled remorse, but I never gave it a chance to affect me. I frowned my
nose up at him and made sure he never saw me smile when in his presence. I
was on guard. I was always on defense, just in case. You never knew with people
like him.

His sister had ordered lunch the first few days but left for lunch with her
boyfriend the third day. She said she'd be back in a few hours. That meant I
would be there by myself with Wiz for a few hours. Well, not totally by ourselves.
We had the rodents, snakes, and customers there with us. I still didn't feel
particularly comfortable but I remained professional about it. I just had to get
past the next week and a half and he'd be gone.

Once his sister saw how well we held down the store as a team, she made going
out with her boyfriend for "lunch" her routine. He'd pick her up, they'd leave for a
few hours, and she'd come back glowing. Food didn't make someone glow like
that. Unless the dessert consisted of dick. I couldn't hate on her though. She was
going to work open to close every day while her parents were away. If this was
the only way she and her man could get it in, I couldn't be mad at her. But it did
mean every day I had two or so hours to spend with Wiz. He knew more about
the business than I did, I had only been there a few months, so when she was
gone I had to suck up my pride and ask him the questions I needed answers to.

He was usually soft spoken when he talked to me. Not a hint of aggression in his
voice. He had a really nerdy voice, real proper like. Kind of like how I spoke
before I consciously made myself sound more hip. I especially liked hearing it
when he was trying to explain to old white women about items they were
interested in. I find myself giggling inside when he was explaining kitty litter to a
first time pet owner. I even laughed out loud when he took 10 minutes to explain
how great a mouse was to a customer, only to find out the customer was there to
feed the mouse to his pet snake. Wiz threw his hands up and looked at me with a
knowing eye. I smirked at it. I knew all too well how it felt. The same thing
happened to me when i tried to sell a rodent to a snake owner.

Once he had sold the pet he came back to the register area and took a seat. I
don't know why I chose to speak, but I did. I was kind of bored. The store was
empty now.

"Sucks doesn't it".

He looked shocked. Like he couldn't believe I was making small talk with him.
Every word between us the past few days had been snappy, dry, or filled with
tension. My voice was light this go around.

"What?" he asked.

"Selling the little guy to someone that is just gonna kill him" I said.

"Oh yea. It definitely sucks. I got a few pet rodents at home. Can't imagine
feeding them to anything".

"Yeah. We raise them. Take care of them. Clean their poop. Feed em" I started.

"And then sell them to be slaughtered" he finished.

We shared a small laugh. More like a grinning grunt. I was standing up and he
looked up to me from the chair he was sitting in. I quickly focused on something
else. I still had a lot of ill feelings towards him.

"I'm glad you did what you did. With the whole Nicki thing" he said, something I
wasn't expecting.

I looked back towards him and smiled, "Why glad?"

"It was a nice thing to do. Taking the high route instead of the low one. I respect
that".

I nodded. Didn't really have anything to say in response. So he got a nod. And a
dead end conversation as another customer walked in. The rest of the day didn't
produce anything noteworthy, except when I left I told him goodbye. I overslept
that next morning and rushed to get to work on time. Wiz's sister could be a
b*tch sometimes and I didn't want her to have any reason to chew me out. I
skipped breakfast and my usual Mcdoanlds Coffee and managed to get there just
a few minutes past clock in. She didn't say anything about me being a little late,
but after I settled in I noticed In the rush I had left my purse at home. Just my
luck, and I was starving.

When lunch time came around I felt like I could eat one of the damn rats.

"You going to get lunch?" Wiz asked me.

"I forgot my purse at home" I answered.

"I got you" he insisted before calling for Chinese.

I didn't feel right letting this dude buy me lunch. I didn't want to feel like I owed
him anything. But it was 2 in the afternoon and I was hungry as all hell. And Egg
Roles and Shrimp Fried Rice sounded too good. I told him my order and pushed
out the thoughts that wanted me to suffer and be hungry. F*ck that.

We closed the store temporarily so we could eat lunch in the back and I dived in.
He thought it was funny seeing me inhale my lunch instead of chewing it. And his
laugh was pretty infectious. I ended up laughing a bit too.

"You always eat like that?" he asked.

I ignored him and ate, smiling before finishing off an egg role. He chuckled some
more.

"Man, stop. Eat your own food. Stop looking this way" I finally blasted.

I tried to avoid him the next day at work. But I didn't. He f*cked me again, this time wearing
a condom. This time while on top of me, my legs dangling in the air somewhere. He pounded
me hard, no concern about the tenderness of my pussy and how he was beating it into
submission. And his lack of concern was what help got me off. His wreckless f*cking was
what had me overtaken by pure, raw, unadulterated pleasure.

I wasn't in love with Wiz. It wasn't even remotely close to that. In fact, this wasn't about him.
This was about me. And how I felt about myself. And how I felt on the inside to manifest on
the outside. I felt degraded, but it wasn't because I was having sex casually. Rihanna did that
how many times and still felt empowered? It was because I was giving myself to a guy that
didn't care about me past a nut and some smoke time, and I actually enjoyed being used by
him. I enjoyed it. I feasted on it. I devoured the self destruction. And I can't count how many
orgasms I had while f*cking him the next few days.

His sister didn't go out Sunday. So all three of us worked all day. I wanted to feel Wiz inside
of me again. But there was no way I'd go to his apartment where anyone could see me with
him. And there was no way I would let him come to my place. So the past week we had only
managed to have sex in the store. One time even when his sister was on the phone. He f*cked
me in the bathroom.

All day Sunday I was remembering the times Wiz twisted me up. We'd get twisted, and then
he'd twist me. F*cking me doggystyle on the floor, me riding him on the chair. I hated myself
for giving in to it, but I was addicted at the same time. I was addicted to the thrill of sex with
someone that saw me as nothing more than a nut. He didn't respect me and there was even a
thrill in that. We saw each other as objects. And that was something I never had in a sexual
relationship before. After one particular time where he had managed to undress me fully and
had my legs penned against my neck, he whispered "so you are a little ho, huh" and I came
right when he said it. And when I got dressed I resented him. But it didn't stop me from
continuing to do it, even when his parents came back.

We continued for awhile until we could no longer find the time or place to get down without
suspicion. He offered to take me to a hotel. I needed it. He was giving me orgasms every time.
And I already hated myself, so why not indulge in pleasure?

I insisted on a hotel outside of the city, because I didn't want to take any chances being seen
with this nigga. I didn't like him to be seen with him. I would never claim him. But I could
f*ck him. I no longer tried to rationalize why, it just was where I was at that moment in life. A
rebound? Maybe, but I think it was more sinister than that. I was dealing with a lot of my
insecurity issues in such a self destructive way, that I was fueling it by mixing it with
pleasure. I was doing what Rihanna did. Making something so hurtful and unhealthy feel
good. And Wiz was the perfect prop.
He spent money on a room with a Jacuzzi. I didn't know if he could afford it, but I didn't care.
I found myself not caring about a lot of things these days. We smoked and talked for a little
bit and ate and then we had sex.

But something about this time was different. As I rode him in the Jacuzzi and he held my ass,
he kept trying to tongue me down. I didn't want to kiss him. I never wanted to kiss him. But I
couldn't concentrate by dodging him so I let him put his tongue all in my mouth. We ended up
on the bed, but for some reason I just wasn't feeling it. This was the first time we had f*cked
outside of the pet store. And it felt odd. Maybe it was the candles burning. Or maybe because
he was stroking my hair. Or maybe because he was eating me out.

Instead of the quick, dangerous, f*ck that we normally did at the store, this was more drawn
out. Maybe that was it. I could take a quickie with Wiz because I could shut my mind off and
just enjoy the thrill for a few minutes. But here, in this hotel, the danger was gone and all that
remained was a skinny not-all-that-interesting dweeb with a pencil dick and a wack kiss
game. And then he tried to hold me. I wasn't having it. I wanted out. Out of this hotel and this
whole arrangement. As quickly as the high of me and him had overtaken me was as quickly as
I became sober to the situation. The fascination out it was gone. I left him there. I quit my job
there. And I admitted to myself that I had a problem. I still hadn't forgiven myself.

**

I called the only person I could call after I cut Wiz off for good, Rihanna. She was
understanding when it came to sex. She encouraged me exploring my sexual self. But I just
never thought it would lead me to sleeping with someone as repulsing as Wiz. I couldn't
understand how the same tattoo body that made me want to throw up was the same body that I
got off to. I needed her to help me understand this shit.

"Calm down, Bee. You're talking so fast. Start from the top again" she said.

"Rih. I'm the biggest idiot in the world, ok? I wh0red myself out to some guy that I don't even
like. Now I feel dirty. And...I just don't know what to do with myself".

"First off. You didn't wh0re yourself out. He was rebound dick. Trust me girl, we all have
been there. You just were trying to get over Chris" she encouraged.

"No, Rih. It's really deeper than that. I did wh0re myself out".

"You f*cked for money!?" she screamed.

"No. Not that. But I felt just as guilty. The dude I was f*cking is someone I would never all
my life claim".

"He ugly?" she asked.

"He ain't cute" I answered.

She laughed.

"Rih don't laugh. I'm serious. I feel really stupid right now. Like ima ho".

"Did you nut?" she asked, one of her usual questions.

"Yes. SO many friggin' times" .

"Then what are you com planing about? You're not a ho. You just enjoyed some sex. Big deal.
Get over yourself".

"He called me a ho" I countered.

"And? Men are dumbasses. Chris would call you a queen. Their interpretations of you don't
define you. Remember that".

"Is this the whole beauty is in the eye of the beholder talk?"

"So what if it is. One mans trash is another mans treasure. So ok, the guy might think you are
a ho cuz you f*cked him. First off, that speaks badly about him because he seems himself so
low that he thinks a girl wanting him must make her horrible. And secondly, that is your
problem. You care about how someone else defines you. You don't have to identify with that
shit. Men always get the pass here. Oh they can f*ck you on the first night and it's cool but if
you do it you're a ho. It's bullshit. ".

"But it's the truth, Rih. That's hoish".

"You are sounding real stupid right now, Bee. Why are you buying into this male slut
shaming bullshit? You were with one guy for an entire year. Just him. And because you gave
in to something your body needed, then it erases the years worth of good girl shit? "

"Yes. Just like if you build up a tower of cards. All it takes is to remove one from the entire
deck to fall down" I said.

She laughed bitterly, "Ok, then. I see you're set in your thoughts so believe what you want.
You're a ho. And it's the worst thing in the world, huh?"
"Why are you being sarcastic?" I asked.

"Why are you being stupid?"

"I'm not" I shot, "I'm being honest. I'm f*cking up. And it hurts because I've slept with five
freaking people since I came here. And I have nothing to show for it but a miscarriage and
bad memories".

"Five?" she asked, seemingly in disbelief.

"Four and a dream" I said, rolling my eyes.

"Damn. It didn't seem like that much" she said which only made me feel worse.

"Carter. Tip. Chris. Dream girl. And this latest guy".

"Yeah but one of them was a dream. One of them was gay and lasted 2 minutes. And one of
them you were never in public with. So you've only slept with two guys, at most" she said.

"Nigga what?" I barked.

"Listen to me. Since you buy into this whole ho shit. Then you gotta be a smart ho. Just don't
claim the people you don't have to claim. Chris is the only guy that everyone knows you
messed with. So just don't count anything else. Bad sex, secret sex, and dream sex doesn't
count. It's written in the rulebook" she laughed.

I wasn't in the mood for laughing. But I can't front like I didn't listen to every word she said.

Not only did I avoid Wiz online and on the phone, but I made sure to avoid him when I came
on campus for some early Government shit. He tried to stop me once on campus when I was
talking with two girls that was in government. I straight up ignored his ass. I guess he felt
some type of way about it. He had caught feelings for me when he was only suppose to be
enjoying some ass. That was his fault. I wasn't going to claim him no matter what he did. And
he tried some shit.

He would comment on my facebook statuses and then I removed him. He sent me an angry
message and I ignored that. This nigga was persistent. After being dissed so many times he
tried to save face. By doing the only thing he could do. He told people he f*cked me. Of
course, no one believed them. At least no one with any common sense believed him. A few
people that disliked me spreaded the rumor but I don't even think they believed it. Guys lied
on their dicks all the time, and who would believe a guy with his reputation when he said he
slept with the future class president?

Still, I had to deny it at least one good time and I made sure to do it with subtlety on facebook.

This Weeks Rumor Mill? The best one yet. LOL

I got a lot of "likes" and comments on that one. Tip also ended up running into Wiz in the
mall and "warning" him that if he kept lying about us, he'd break his face. I didn't ask Tip to
do it, but he followed all of the campus going ons and he said he was still watching my back.
When we talked he straight up asked me after the fact.

"Yeah, I told the boy to stop messing with you. Playing them lil boy games. Just a lame
nigga" Tip said over the phone.

"Yeah" was all I could say.

"Shawty...lemme ask you though. You didn't sleep with him, right?"

"Come on now Tip. Are you serious? The dude that tried to rape me? Are you serious?" I
went on, like I was going off.

"You right, you right. My fault. I just had to ask. Make sure. But I know you wouldn't do no
shit like that" he said.

So many people had me penned as someone that I wasn't. But the facade was what it had to
be.

**

I needed time away. Sort of like when I left for Houston after I had found out I was pregnant.
There was too much shit going on in Florida that was stressing me out. I needed another job. I
wanted to go back to life modeling but they had booked models all through the month and I'd
only be called if someone didn't show. Rihanna had gotten a big break and was going to Paris
to meet with an agency that had called her back. When she asked if I wanted to go with her I
was all over it. 10 days in France was just what I needed.

I promised myself after Wiz that I was swearing off sex for the rest of my time in undergrad. I
could front like two was my number all I wanted, but I knew the truth deep down. And I had
some regrets about each of the people I had slept with. I didn't need to deal with anymore
situations where I could grow weak and f*ck up again.

I was confident in my self imposed sex strike until I met Lupe in France. Rihanna had
dragged me to a rave, something that was played out in the States but still going strong over
there, and even though we didn't do any drugs, we were buzzing because of the alcohol. I
danced with her and only her.

After telling Rihanna in full about my fling with Wiz, she became increasingly interested in
what I learned about weed. Here she was wanting me to teach her a thing or two. Our roles
had reversed in some respect. She ended up buying some weed from a girl she knew out that
way and we smoked it on our hotel. I was excited that she was getting an opportunity to do
some work over here. She was such an exotic beauty, I knew she had it in her to become
something special.

The first day in Paris we explored the city. This was my first time even out of the country so it
was special to me. I took tons of pictures and was on my phone all day updating my facebook
every step of the way. Rih was going the same.
I loved being in a city so rich in culture and fashion and art. I wasn't raised to appreciate such
things but my taste in the fine arts had increased two fold because of Rihanna and of course
Carter. And even though I wasn't interested in meeting any other men, I was surprised that I
found myself appreciating the looks and accents and smells of the men in the city. How naive
of me to come into a city known for love and not become enamored with their penis bearing
species.

I looked at them but didn't approach any. I wasn't going to break my promise. Nope. I was so
over it. No men, Beyonce. None. So when I stopped in a bakery on day three of our trip to get
some coffee and something sweet, I tried to avoid eye contact with the interesting looking
black man I saw reading a book. I wondered if he was American, but when he ordered in
french, I was sure it was his native language. A french black man. How cute.

I ate my Cinabun in silence and watched the place come alive in the early morning. Business
men and business women and accents and colorful personalities all circled the little place. But
the most interesting thing was still the black guy a table from me eating a bagel and reading
his book. I couldn't see what it was called and it was f*cking with me. I loved a man that read
in his spare time, but it really depended on what he was reading. If it was one of those Ghetto
books then I guess there were no points gained for that. But something worthwhile?

I found myself leaning in so I could look at the front of the book on the sly. I guess my subtle
approach wasn't so subtle because the guy spoke to me with his eyes still planted in the book.

"You ever seen the film La Haine?" he asked.

"Oh. Uh. No, I haven't" I answered, kicking myself for being so obvious.

He took his eyes off the pages, smiled and then quickly jumped seats to my table, sitting
directly across from me. How bold of him, I thought as he smiled. He handed me the book. It
was called "Film Notes: La Haine".

"What does La Haine mean?" I asked.

"The Hatred" he answered.

"What's it about?"

"How hatred drags a society down. It's focus on three urban youths in the ghetto. Great film.
Even better when you analyze the themes".

I nodded my head as I flipped through a few pages to act like I wanted to read it. When I
handed him back the book he was still smiling.

"My Name is Lupe".

I shook his extended hand, "Beyonce".

"Interesting name".

"Yours is too" I smiled.

I would find out over the next hour that it was more than just his name that was interesting.
This was my weakness in life. I was weak for the unique. And he was unique to me. He didn't
think he was that interesting, just a college student that was spending his day off by going to a
museum. But his look and smell and the way he talked was foreign, and therefore unique to
me. We took our conversation outside where we discussed foreign films. I had only seen a
few, all of them recommended by Carter and he seemed to have an opinion on all of them.

I found out he was a film student. And even though I tried to make his background the focus
of our conversation he kept finding ways to bring it back to me. He was deeply interested in
me which I found to be silly. I was the tourist. A boring girl with no real talent. But everytime
I spoke, I ended up saying something interesting to him.

"Beyonce, you are so modest that it's not even funny. You're going to be a teacher. You're a
class president. And you life modeled? All by age 20? And you're wondering why I want to
hear more about you" he smiled.
I could sense he was close to asking me out. So I decided to cut our conversation short. He
was nice and all, a good morning chat, but he was also exactly what I didn't need. A person
with a penis down under.

"I understand you're only here for a little while, but can I at least get your number?" he asked
me when I was told him I had to go.

"I don't know about that one, Lupe" I said, trying to put his puppy dog ass down lightly.

"Ok. Then how about this. I recently finished a documentary. I'm going to enter it in the local
film festival. But I want a fresh opinion. Not any of my family or film buddies. An American
opinion".

"Uh huh" I said, waiting for his hook.

"Could I have your email? I will send you the film. And you can give me your thoughts on it"
he said.

"And you trust me? Sending me your work? What if I leaked it online or something?"

"Then at least I had your email. I would sign you up for all kinds of annoying spam sites so
they could flood your inbox".

I laughed. What the hell. He seemed innocent enough. We exchanged email addresses and
later that night he sent me his documentary. It was about French Kissing. An entire
documentary about it. First had filmed tons of couples around the city tonguing each other
down and had a freaking montage of them. And then he went into the origins. And then he
had a bunch of statistics like how the mouth worked 30 muscles when kissing and how a sexy
kiss speeded up the pulse to 100 beats a minute.

I shouldn't have been watching this late at night. Seeing people kiss and thinking about
kissing and remembering my best kisses. It wasn't what my still recovering from self
destruction ass needed that night. I cut it off in the middle and went to sleep, clutching a
pillow between my legs.

**

Lupe and I talked every day after I sent him an email and told him how much I loved the
documentary. He was interesting and best of all, he was friendly and down to earth. Rihanna
found it funny that I had already met a man on our vacation and she would jokingly say I was
going to catch body number 6 as I talked to him on the phone. I ignored her. I really was
trying my best to stay strong. And I think I did well, except on the last day of our trip.

Lupe invited both me and Rihanna out. He had a friend to meet Rih which of course meant
this would be a double date. We agreed since we would be leaving the next morning. We
agreed because as independent as we said we were, we still loved the company of men. Plus,
they were paying so what the hell. They took us to a cute little restaurant by a river, the Eiffel
Tower romantically painting the background in the distance. Things were going well until
Rihanna decided it was time to break her celibacy streak. She hadn't had sex in a while. The
friend Lupe brought along was both attractive and articulate. Rihanna didn't care if the guy
was educated or anything, she just didn't want him making her regret the decision to give him
some. And trust me, she always knew before the dude did if she was going to give a guy
some. They just had to not mess it up by saying anything stupid. But the guy Lupe brought
was far from stupid. He was really funny and just as nice as Lupe was. Rih was getting a
damn bonus.

We all talked and laughed and drank wine and had a good time. But Rih and her buddy were
getting touchy feely. And after we left and went to walk by the water, I knew she would be
spending the night with him. She was going to reward herself on this trip. The problem with
that was now I felt like Lupe would expect the same. I didn't sense that he'd be mad or
anything if I didn't go there with him, but I was going to be mad regardless because I wanted
to go there. Why did Wiz have to exist? He messed me up bad. I just couldn't sleep with
another guy after the trainwreck that was Wiz.

So I became standoffish. Lupe would try to get touchy feely but I'd brush his touch off or
avoid his eye contact. He caught on quick and I think I hurt his feelings. Damn, I really didn't
want to do it either. I thought he was cool and definitely worth getting physical with under
any other circumstances. But I had to be strong. I had to prove to myself that I could do the
right thing when it came to sharing my body. So when Rihanna and her buddy broke off from
us to get their cuddle and smooch on.
Lupe and I just walked by the water and talked. I knew I was being distant. It was all strategy.
It was all I could do to make sure I didn't start messing up.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked softly.

I looked at him. I felt sorry for him.

"You didn't do anything wrong. At all. I'm really glad I met you" I smiled.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're not comfortable around me though?"

"I don't trust myself around you. That's why" I said truthfully.

"Why?"

"Because I've made a lot of bad decisions lately when it comes to dating and getting involved
with people. And I don't want to do that anymore. I owe it to myself to be more careful".

He looked like he still didn't understand so I decided to let him in on it all. Normally I would
have never been so open after only knowing a person for a little over a week. But our worlds
were so far apart, I didn't see the harm in being an open book. I really didn't. He was nice
enough and far enough that I didn't feel like exposing myself in front of him could ever harm
me. So while Rihanna and her dude went to have sex, I told everything I could to this
mysterious man named Lupe. I told him EVERYTHING.

The miscarriage. The relationship with a teacher. Cheating on my boyfriend with my

bestfriend. And the fling from hell with Wiz. And as I told him, he listened intensely. And as I
talked, I felt such a strong release. I had been holding it all in for so long. And once I started
revealing things, I couldn't stop. And as I venting, I started crying. I wondered if he would
think I was f*cking crazy. Expressing all of this shit to him and then crying, all while we are
on a date. But he didn't seem the least bit disgusted by my candid reveal. He looked just as
calm and collected as I'd always seen him.

"You know. You're really not as damaged as you think you are" he said.

"That's a nice thing to say Lupe. But look at me? I'm boo hooing to you. Ruining your night. I
don't even know who I am anymore. I couldn't tell you who I was. I can tell you what I do. I
do things. I like things. But summing me up as a person? I don't know. All I know is when I
look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize a person I love or even like. That's damaged".

"At least it's honest. Not many people can see themselves like that. And honestly. I think that's
the most beautiful thing about a person. That they can recognize their flaws and express them
like you just did. That's growth, whether you believe it or not".

"Not" I joked, before he wiped my eyes.

Ahh man. My emotions were stirring up. He was seeing me in such a vulnerable space. And
he was so understanding and radiant. So calming and intelligent. And that kind of intelligence
was such a turn on. I kissed him even though I kept telling myself to stop. We tongued softly,
stopping briefly each time before looking into each others eyes. No commitment. No worries.
Just passion. But not reckless passion like with Wiz. So much sweeter than that.

I don't know where I get the strength from. But I broke free of our kiss and thanked him for a
wonderful date. When Rihanna found out I wasn't going to sleep with Lupe she decided not to
sleep with her date. We bid our dates farewell and left for the hotel. She could tell I was
feeling conflicting feelings. It didn't seem rewarding enough, denying myself of this. I knew
there was a reason I was saying no, but it was hard to see what that reason was at the moment.
Sleep with a guy you'll later regret or don't sleep with him and regret it at first. Where was the
reward if I'd regret either way?

Chapter 28
"It's understandable to be embarrassed Miss Knowles. But you will be ok" my doctor said to
me, doing her best to comfort the broken girl that cried in front of her.

I felt dirty. Like I had maggots crawling in my skin. I wanted to just jump out of my own
skin. My reckless fling with Wiz was coming back to bite me in the ass. Hard.

"Chlamydia is very common in women. And most that have it don't even have symptoms. I'm
glad you came in to get checked because if left untreated it could lead to some problems with
fertility. But it's easily treated" she encouraged.

I listened to her but I was far gone. I hated Wiz. I hated him with every once of energy I had.
The asshole had given me a STD! You never really believe it could happen to you, but it did.
It happened to me. The student body president. The pretty face. The safe sex advocate. The
christian girl. All of those women rolled up into silly ass Beyonce had contacted a sexual
infection. Any self respect I had regained by deciding not to sleep with Lupe was lost. Getting
that prescription for the antibiotic that would get rid of the infection was a remainder of every
lost memory I had of allowing Wiz to dominate me.

I was so ashamed of myself. How could I ever look down on what Solange did? Or anyone
else for that matter? I was lucky that Chlamydia was all I got. Because my stupid ass could
have gotten something that wasn't curable. At least the rumor that Wiz had herpes wasn't true,
or if it was, at least it didn't infect me. I almost called him so I could cuss his ass out but I
decided not to ruin the chance of letting this little bit of info leak out. I didn't want ANYONE
to know, not even my closest friends. I took the pill and tried vowed to never speak of that
STD. Just like everything I was ashamed of, I would rather pretend it didn't exist than to
acknowledge it.
Thank God I didn't sleep with Lupe. How embarrassing would that have been if I would have
somehow gave him something? He didn't deserve that. No one as nice as him deserved
something as trashy as me. And I felt trashy. Right back to square one after the little big of
dignity I thought I had when I left Paris.

I felt so bad that I just stopped going out period. I didn't want to meet anyone. No clubs no
restaurants, nothing. I'd still spend time with Rihanna but that was mostly at her apartment.
She could sense I was broken up over something but I wouldn't tell her what. How could I
admit that to anyone? I had to be honest, I always looked down on anyone that said they got a
STD. It seemed so immature and dirty. Like it defined them. It summed up their sexual purity,
or lack there of. I lost respect for people that had them. I saw them as spoiled goods. So
imagine how I felt when I was the one taking drugs for it. Self hate wouldn't even begin to
describe the negative feelings I had about who I was these days.

I felt like I was a . But on the other side of the spectrum. It someone elses eyes, I was a queen.
And that person was Carter. We were talking every now and then on IM and I accidentally
told him I was unemployed. He had a way of getting a person to answer things they didn't
mean to answer. But when he did find out I was struggling to find work, he offered to give me
some money to help with my rent. I didn't want to accept more help from him but he insisted.
He gave me the money in cash and I deposited right into my account.

I still needed the money so I did a few private modeling jobs for an older couple I knew from
one of the classes. It wasn't much, but it was enough to hold me over until I found a real job. I
found out from a mutual friend that Chris had dropped out of school. She had lost contact
with him and didn't know what he was doing. He never came on facebook anymore and he
didn't ever reply to my text messages. He was truly through with me. It hurt. I still felt terrible
about it. But Chris and I were better off as friends from the get go. We were headed towards a
dead end, even if I wouldn't have had that night with Rihanna.

Carter was online one night and decided to IM me. It wasn't out of the ordinary. We were
chatting for about half an hour about twice a week. We didn't talk about anything noteworthy,
but just the fact that he still liked talking to me was comforting.

S.Carter: You know. I've been wanting to ask you something. Just never did...

QueenBey 2005: What?

S.Carter:What happened with you and Chris?

QueenBey 2005: Looooooong story. Bottom line was it just didn't work...

S.Carter: Kinda surprised. Yall seemed to really fit. I mean, from the limited times I was
around yall together.

QueenBey 2005: Like you once told me. Chris was a good friend. But it just wasn't meant to
be...

S.Carter: I hear you

QueenBey 2005: Yeah...

S.Carter: Why the sigh?

QueenBey 2005: just kinda stressed out lately...

S.Carter: You wanna talk about it?

QueenBey 2005: You wanna hear about it?

S. Carter: I'm asking, right?

QueenBey 2005: Ok then...

S. Carter: lol, I can't call. Shaun is around...

QueenBey 2005:....k

S. Carter: So are you going to tell me?

QueenBey 2005: I don't want to online...

S. Carter: Are you mad or something?

QueenBey 2005: nope...anyway, how is she doing? Shaun?

S. Carter: She's doing good. She's about to go to band camp, actually. Next week.

QueenBey 2005: band camp lol? like on american pie?

S. Carter: American Pie?

QueenBey 2005: sigh....hol up

S. Carter: .......

QueenBey 2005: I said hold up. I'm fetching you a link

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYWQAg12Ko0

S. Carter: o_O

QueenBey 2005:

S. Carter: Did that child say she stuck a flute up her pussy?

QueenBey 2005: Uhhmmm....

S. Carter: What the hell is this a movie or something?

QueenBey 2005: lol ya. The girl in that link is a band geek through the whole movie. And at
the end it turns out she is also a slut lol

S. Carter: I might have to netflix this. For research purposes of course.

QueenBey 2005: uh huh...i bet. is shaun going to a stay over camp?

S. Carter: Yeah. She will be there for three weeks. Why?

QueenBey 2005: well...i aint tryna scare ya. But like girl said in the link. That's half of what
camp is. sex ed...

S. Carter:....not trying to scare me, eh?

QueenBey 2005: lol i'm serious. How old is she now?

S. Carter: 13

QueenBey 2005: She a teen now. She's developing. Her hormones getting jump started. Is it
gonna be boys at the camp?

S. Carter: Yeah...

QueenBey 2005:...well....i ain't sayin....i'm just sayin...

S. Carter: Saying that my daughter is going to be f*cking at camp?

QueenBey 2005: Nope. But I am saying don't be surprised if girls are there stickin flutes up
their pussy...

Carter didn't immediately respond to this.

QueenBey 2005: Did i run you off lol?

S. Carter: No. I just told Shaun she can never play the flute

QueenBey 2005: ROFL What did she say?

S. Carter: She had no idea what I was talking about. She's on the phone...

QueenBey 2005: With who?

S. Carter: One of her girlfriends back in Connecticut.

QueenBey 2005: Uh Oh...

S. Carter: Why uh oh?

QueenBey 2005: I don't wanna say

S. Carter: Help a single father out. What's the uh oh for?

QueenBey 2005: lol it doesn't mean anything. I'm just f*cking with you....Shaun will be fine.
But I do hope you have talked to her bout sex and stuff

S. Carter: Rosario already handled that

QueenBey 2005: well Shawn...Rosario has passed. She also needs reassurance and guidance
from you...

S. Carter: What exactly would I talk to her about though? Don't have sex? She knows that...

QueenBey 2005: First off. Are you for teaching abstinence or safe sex?

S. Carter: um...

QueenBey 2005: SMH

QueenBey 2005: Shawn. She's a young woman. A beautiful girl. This is a huge transition
point in her life. She's a teen now. She's feeling things she hasn't felt before. And she doesn't
have a mom to share her emotions with. Don't think sex talk just means the birds and the bees.
It's about expressing your thoughts and emotions too. You gotta let her know it's ok to talk
about it...

S. Carter: And by "it" you mean?

QueenBey 2005: You want honesty? By "it" I mean the fact that her pussy gets wet when she
thinks about penis

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: be mad all you want...i remember when i was 13...and i remember i aint
have no adults to talk to about my feelings...so i talked with my lil sister...and we
experimented with other boys...shit i wish i had a dad that would have been open enough to
school me on sex...like that life jennings song

S. Carter: What do u mean experimented?

QueenBey 2005: Kissing, touching...stuff like that. I got fingered when I was in like 8th or
9th grade...

S. Carter: Bey, you're acting like I can just walk up to her and casually spark up a
conversation about sex. She prolly wouldn't be honest with me anyway...

QueenBey 2005: Oh she won't be. Not at first. Part of being a growing child is picking and
choosing when to be honest. And she won't tell you when you come to her. Nope. But at least
she could hear that you are always there to talk if SHE needs to talk....that is the point of
going to her. She'll prolly keep her inner thoughts to herself or share it with her friends...she
wont tell u when she starts masturbating or wanting to watch porn. BUT when she starts to get
the itch...maybe 2 years from now or 3 years from now or 4 years from now....she'll remember
what u said. She might even mention her thoughts to u indirectly, but you gotta watch for the
signs. If she feels comfortable with u....she'll subliminally bring up that she is thinkin bout
sex...and u just have to be able to meet her halfway

S. Carter:....masturbating?

QueenBey 2005: lol you are so immature. YES. Your daughter will one day f*ck herself. Is
that all you took out of all I said?

S. Carter: lol, nah I heard what you said. I just can't give you the satisfaction of thinking you
were schooling me. But I did take it all in.

QueenBey 2005: ok...well anyway. I just think you should be prepared for her growing up.

S. Carter: Its weird. I went from thinking I'd have her spend a summer with me to her living
with me. Just so many different things I had to deal with and was unprepared for. 12 years of
not being in her life and then all of a sudden. I'm a full time dad.

QueenBey 2005: She has adjusted well though...

S. Carter: She has. I was afraid of how she'd feel about me. I was afraid Rosario might have
bad talked me. But our differences aside, Rosario never talked bad about me to Shaun. And
Shaun is so damn wise beyond her years. The first time we had a face to face talk, I cried
apologizing to her. And she forgave me then and there. How she still respects me I don't even
know.

QueenBey 2005: She was raised by a great woman, that's why...

S. Carter: True...

QueenBey 2005:...not to switch the subject because we can keep talkin bout shaun if u
want...but why did u wanna know what happened with me and chris?

S. Carter: I'm always interested in what's going on in your life, Beyonce.

QueenBey 2005: But why?

S. Carter:Hmm...Idk...maybe it's because I love you?

QueenBey 2005: ...my heart just skipped a beat....i love u too...

S. Carter: Did you love Chris?

QueenBey 2005: Not the way I love you...

S. Carter: But you did love him?

QueenBey 2005: yes

S. Carter: Have you been with anyone else besides him?

QueenBey 2005: What do you mean?

S. Carter: You told me you slept with him. I'm asking have you slept with anyone besides
him?

QueenBey 2005: You...

S. Carter: I'm serious Bey...I mean aside from me and him

QueenBey 2005: No...

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: Why the smile?

S. Carter: Proud of you...I think the world of women that don't go around giving their body
to everyone...just the ones they love. Whoever you settle down with will love it too. Nobody
wants someone everyone has had.

QueenBey 2005: What about you? Have you had sex with anyone since me?

S. Carter: Honestly? No. I've been intimate with someone. But I didn't sleep with them.

QueenBey 2005: Who? Rosario??

S. Carter: Yes

QueenBey 2005: I figured as much....is that why she requested to be sent home early?

S. Carter: It had something to do with it..

QueenBey 2005: Wow...when did this start?

S. Carter: right before she died...she needed comfort...

QueenBey 2005: In other words...she needed you...

S. Carter: She needed someone to hold her...she didn't want to die alone.

QueenBey 2005: And you still loved her right?

S. Carter: I'll always love her

QueenBey 2005: Yea...

S. Carter: I'm just being honest. I wanna be honest with you. You deserve that much. I put
you in a difficult situation.

QueenBey 2005: Shawn why do you love me? What do I give you?

S. Carter: I love your optimism. You came into my life when I was pretty low. You
rejuvenated me. You made me love living life again. Your smile. Your persistence. Your
innocence.

QueenBey 2005: What if I wasn't optimistic about things anymore? What if I didn't smile
anymore. And wasn't innocent anymore. What if I wasn't the same happy girl you first met?
Would you still love me?

S. Carter: My love for you is unconditional, Bey. Even if I have to love you from a distance.
Or if we're not meant to be together. Even if it's just as a friend. I'll always love you. You've
impacted me enough for that kind of love to exist for you.

QueenBey 2005: I gotta go...ok? ttul....

QueenBey 2005 has signed off

**

Carter caught a bug or something the next week. He was throwing up and had diarrhea and
was really weak. With Shaun gone I took it upon myself to give him a hand. I went to the
grocery store and bought him some Poweraid to replenish what he lost from the throwing up,
and I bought him some light foot items like apple sauce and jello. I called my mom and asked
her for that special recipe chicken soup she use to make everytime me or Solange came down
with something. I brought all of the recipes over to Carters place and made him soup from
scratch.

He was such a mess. Couldn't hardly sleep because he was in pain. He just laid there in his
bed holding his stomach and looking like death. He had a waste basket full of vomit beside
the bed and it had his room smelling foul. I had only planned to bring him some stuff and then
leave but seeing him out of commission like this had me wanting to play the motherly role. I
wiped his forehead with a wet rag, brought him a fresh bucket to throw up in, and took his
temperature every few hours. He couldn't keep down the apple sauce at first, so I just had him
sip on the Powerade slowly.

He complained that I was doing too much and that he could handle it from here but I wasn't
having it.

"Shut up. Lay down. Let me take care of you, Shawn" I said.

He opened his mouth to protest but when he saw my scowl, he backed down.

"Now. You think you wanna try some of the soup?"

It was late now. Around 9 and he still hadn't been able to eat anything.

"Yeah. I have an appetite I just can't keep it down".

"Ok. Ima give you a little bit. Eat it slowly."

He was still kind of weak but at least he was able to keep the soup down when he ate some.

"You made this?" he asked, looking up at me from his bed.

I giggled, "I did. It's good?"

"You ain't make this" he said looking down into the soup.

"I sure did make it" I shot.

"From scratch?"

"Yes. Anymore questioning? Ungrateful negro" I said, shaking my head.

It was chicken soup to my soul to see the warm soup that I made sooth him. He laid down and
looked so pathetic and cute. Like a little baby. Like a helpless, fragile, infant. I smiled to
myself when I wiped some soup from his lip and took his dirty dish into the kitchen. I cleaned
up the mess I had made in his kitchen, remembering how tidy he kept his place and when i
went back into his bedroom he was snoring; knocked the hell out.

I sat beside him and just watched him sleep. I loved that I had been able to nurse him. Take
care of him just like he had taken care of me so many times. I loved Shawn Carter. Even after
the breakup. Even after some nasty words. Even after accepting the fact that maybe we
weren't meant to be, I still realized there was nothing I wouldn't do for this man.

**

The summer came and went like a passing STD. Ok, not the best analogy out there but that
was the highlight - or should i say lowlight - for me. I didn't go to anymore clubs, no parties,
nothing. I took a pretty strong course load in Summer B as Carter continued to help me out
with my half of the rent. I eventually told him that I had been working as a model. He couldn't
and wouldn't believe it at first. He couldn't picture little old me in the nude in front of people.
I wondered if he had hangups about it like Chris did, but he seemed to find it humorous more
than anything else.

I started going to church around this time too. Michelle had invited me to a Revival that the
church she had started attending was having. I was crying so much and she could tell
something was wrong with me. I was depressed. Just going through the motions of life but not
enjoying it. Michelle wouldn't take no for an answer and she got me in that church on a
Wednesday night. I remember hearing the choir sing that new song Never Would Have
Made It by Marvin Sapp, and I shed some tears just thinking about how unhappy I was.

And then a woman sang a solo, the Kirk Franklin song Hold Me Now. And I lost it. I started
boo hoo crying, as she sang the words.

You are the only one that's patient when I fall

Your angels come to save me every time I call
You don't laugh at me when I make mistakes and cry
You're not like man
You understand me
See people change one day
They don't like you the next they do
I wish that everyone could love me just like You

The preacher man came to the rescue and prayed for me. After that i was in Church every
Sunday with Michelle and for the time being, I did feel a lot better about myself. It was
amazing how church could be that place to restore you after you hit rock bottom. The broken
found their refuge in church, and although my friends like Rihanna and Jarvis thought church
was a joke, it was something I needed at the time.

The only issue was church was just as much a dating show as it was a place of worship. There
was a very large young people influx at the church, with rap music and step teams and dance
teams being heavily involved in the service. And with all of the college age kids dressing to
impress and mingling, it was bound to be drama right around the corner. Just a few weeks in, I
had turned down "bible studies" with four guys and had been involved in a rumor that I was
trying to steal another girls man. The man was a minister too. Let's just say that bullshit
limited my attendance as the summer came to an end.

Michelle was at least happy I was giving God another try. She said that was part of the reason
she was so excited to room with me when we first met. Our parents were involved in the
church and we were both church girls. She thought it would be great to have an accountability
partner so to speak so we could help each other stay on the straight and narrow. And we did
pretty good the first year, but after we moved off campus, I had to admit that she was right
when she said I changed. Gone were the days we would talk about God or staying grounded
in our beliefs. Instead, when i wasn't doing schoolwork I was out with either Rih or Jarvis.
And then I started having sex and drinking and staying out late or spending the night at
Carters. I know she felt alienated by my behavior. I could tell she felt like I had abandoned
my beliefs and in the process abandoned the one thing we had in common.

None of my other friends seemed to be into religion much. They all wondered why I even
bothered with "the God thing". It made me question my own beliefs. Especially since it wasn't
like I was actually doing the right things. I just found it difficult to enjoy my once in a lifetime
college experience while still doing the things I did when I was homeschooled. I wanted to
enjoy my freedom and have fun. But after "fun" with Wiz left feeling dirty, I guess I started to
see that the grass wasn't always greener. What goes up, eventually has to come down.

When my senior year officially started, I was feeling better about myself and ready to take on
the responsibility of being student president. It wasn't like it meant I had ultimate power or
anything, I still had to work within a group of peers and our group still only had so much
influence. We could pitch ideas and try to arouse student support but we didn't really decide
anything that the school wouldn't approve of anyway. Being in government gave the
appearance of having power. But it was really like driving on a highway. Sure you are at the
wheel but you are following a predestined road. You could crash based on simple
incompetence or someone else s incompetence but generally speaking, just keep following the
road and you'll be fine.

We had some money we had to spread out and Michelle and her fellow journalism students
lobbied hard enough for me to allocate funds for them to start a magazine that would print
each semester. One right before Christmas Break and one right before Graduation. I wasn't
suppose to be doing anything in the interest of friends, but hell, I quickly learned politics was
nothing more than favors and ass kissing. Everyone that helped me get elected, got a bone
thrown their way.

I had to speak at Freshman Orientation the week before classes started. It was a chance to
allow parents and new students to get a feel for the school and what they were to expect. It
still had not sank in yet that i was a representative of the entire student body. But that night I
met parent after parent and shook hand after hand. All of the faces were pretty much a blur.
Talked to one parent and you've talked to them all. And then I met a girl who was 16 and
would be staying in the dorms. Her mother was concerned about the campus life and the party
scene. It was surreal, explaining to that worried parent that the school was safe and very
protective of their students. That was what i had to say. I couldn't actually tell her I had nearly
been raped at a party or that there is a crab outbreak all of the time or that teachers buy drugs
from students and f*ck students too. How could I tell her that? I looked at the 16 year old
freshman and wished her well on her journey.

I spoke to the freshman on stage and briefly talked about the basics of FAMU and my role as
student president. After about 10 minutes of the okie doke I said if anyone wanted to talk to
me I would be by the punch bowl after orientation was over. A ton of the students came over
to chat. A lot of the girls were complimenting me. Saying how pretty I was and everything. A
lot of parents were admiring me because of all I had accomplished even though I had just
turned 20. A bunch of guys tried to holla at me, indirectly, but only one of them stood out. He
didn't immediately stand out because I turned all of them down without a second thought. I
wasn't interested in dating anyone. I only took note of him because he asked me if he should
take Mr. Carters ethics class.

"If you are planning to you should hurry. His classes fill up fast" I said, remembering what I
was told my first semester.

"What makes his class so good? He has a perfect rating on rate-my-professor" the baby faced
boy asked.

"He challenges you. Every single preconception or assumption you have about an issue. He
makes you re-conceptualize it. Plus, he's a pretty cool cat. I also heard he use to be a drug
dealer" I smiled, remembering to slide that little tidbit down, which was tradition for former
students of his class to say to freshman. It helped to keep his legend going.

"A drug dealer? Teaching ethics?" he grinned.

"Yep".

"Sounds like fun" he said.

"It is. You'll get a kick out of it. But sign up quick....You have any more questions?" I asked.

"I do" he grinned.

I raised my eyebrow, just waiting for him to try to hit on me.

"Why don't you go to church as much anymore?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well I saw you at of the time at church this summer. But lately, you haven't been there
much" he said.

And then was when I really looked at this cat for the first time. I knew he had looked a bit
familiar. He was one of the guys that went to the church Michelle had brought me too. Small
world, ain't it? I laughed out loud.
"You don't remember me do you?" he said.

"I seent' you befo" I said, reverting to ebonics, "I Just can't remember your name. I remember
your face though".

"Wallace" he said.

"Ok, Wallace. Well I just been getting ready for the semester and everything".

He was nodding sarcastically, like he ain't believe me.

"You sure they ain't run you away?" he smiled.

I laughed again. He definitely knew what really was up.

"Yeah. Kind of sort of. I went to church for God, not all that other drama".

"I feel you. I could tell you were really serious about your relationship with God and
everything. You weren't faking your worship like so many others there do. I liked that about
you".

"Really? So you were like, checking me out?"

"I noticed you. Didn't want to come up to you or anything because I understood you weren't
there for that".

"But you will come up to me now? I'm here for orientation, not church" I challenged him.

"Nah, you are here to answer questions" he retorted.

"Look at you. Telling me what I'm here to do. Anyway, I don't know if I'm coming back to the
church. I like it and everything but ima be busy and it's too much drama".

"Are you in the Christian club on campus? They have bible studies and everything" he said.

"I've never been".

He laughed, "I've been on campus for what...a week and I've even been. How about you
come? So much less drama".

"You asking me out, Wallace?"

"I'm asking you to keep that light shining. Come out sometime. I like seeing people serious
about their faith".

"I'll think about it" I said, pretty much lying. My mind was already made up about that.

He seemed to accept my answer. When I went home that night I thought about him for a
second. He was cute and seemed genuine, but I decided then I wouldn't let myself entertain
anything else he had in store for me. And I knew he did. Guys that said they watched you and
noticed you, but never spoke to you, always have something up their sleeve. Plus, he was a
freshman. What did I look like as a senior even mingling with freshmen? Nah. He could find a
shining light in someone else.

The new semester also meant new life modeling classes. I was first in line to get my old job
back. I booked three classes for a slightly reduced rate due to the recession we were in, but
was glad to once again have steady income. I even told Carter not to give me anymore money.
I told him I had another job and tried to keep it at that but his nosey ass wouldn't let it go.

"Where you work?" he asked for the third time that phone conversation.

"Why do it matter?"

"I just want to know" he said.

"No. I'm not telling".

"Yes you are. Don't kid yourself".

"Who are you to tell me I am going to tell you something? If I don't wanna say, I ain't gonna
say" I snapped at the arrogant man.

"If you don't tell me right now. You will regret it. I promise you" he said, with games all in
his tone.

"Make me regret then. Do what you gotta do" I said, calling his bluff big time.

Let's just say, the nigga made me regret it.

Carter showed up to my class. He said he had signed up for the class. He was grinning hard
when I walked inside of the class room. I stood frozen at the sight of my first love, just
finding all kinds of pleasure in seeing me so caught off guard. I managed to pull him aside out
of the classroom. He had to go.

"Carter, no. NO" I barked at him.

He laughed, "I paid my money just like everyone else. I'm here to draw".

"No you aint"

"How did you even find out which class I was doing? These things are confidential" I said.

"I told you that you'd regret it. Don't underestimate me, Beyonce".

"Ok. I won't underestimate you anymore. You were right. Now can you go?"

"It ain't like I ain't never seen you before".

A few students passed to go inside of the room. The class was set to start in another 10
minutes.

"But this is different. I don't want you to see me do this. It's different. I wouldn't be able to
concentrate".

"Me either" he smirked.

"SEE! You ain't here to draw. Just embarrass me and get a free peep show".

"It wasn't free. Trust me".

"Carter, please? You see my face? Ima be blood red if I gotta do this with you in there".

"But I drove all the way out here. For nothing? And paid all that money? For nothing. That
isn't fair".

I could see the facetiousness in his eyes. He was loving this.

"How about this. After my class. We can go get something to eat. I know a place not too far
from here. And I'll buy" I said.

He was laughing, "You asking me out on a date?"

"Go do something for three hours. And we'll eat lunch, ok? Then you wouldn't have came
here for nothing"

I was kind of mad at him for always being so damn invasive. The way he would always find
out info about me was flattering in a way but so frustrating too. It was once a turn on, now it
was a complete turn off. I just imagined being married to him. I wouldn't have any privacy
whatsoever. I remember the times I spent the night over his house he would come in the
bathroom just to watch me shit or pee. Or when I told him that I wrote poems on a poetry site
he'd always ask to read them. He even googled my account and I had to make it private so he
couldn't just be reading my stuff. And then there were the times I'd get a call or a text and he
was reaching for the phone even before I did. At first I thought he just did it to be funny or
aggravate me, but I started to believe that maybe he really was insecure or something.

Maybe his questions about me and how my life was going was just his ways of keeping tabs
on me. And I didn't like to feel like I was being spied on or that I couldn't be trusted. Maybe
that was why he and Rosario didn't get along. I mean, he did say his mistrust of her came
from someone saying she was sleeping around the town. Maybe he thought that way about
me. And maybe even though we weren't even speaking on a romantic level, he thought I
couldn't be trusted with his heart anymore. Was he more clingy than I first thought when he
didn't even seem to want me as much as I waned him? I thought about these things as I
disrobed for my class. I was kind of rusty, and repeated several benign poses. My mind was
stuck on his ass.

Even when I met Carter for lunch at this spot me and Rihanna often ate at, I had a small
attitude. I really wanted to confront him on this issue, as it pertained to my privacy.
When we sat down he immediately asked if I was mad at him.

"Honestly. I kinda am".

"I told you to tell me where you worked".

"I don't have to tell you everything about me, though. Like. I'm not your child".

He didn't seem prepared for my flash of anger. I guess he thought it was all a joke or
something. I loved the man and everything, but I didn't consider private matters a joke.

"You are taking this way too serious, Bee".

"Am I?"

"Yeah. You called my bluff. I took your challenge. Simple as that".

"But this isn't the first time. It's like you're always keeping me under surveillance or
something. Do you have private investigators following me around? I swear you'd be the type
to hire Cheaters to follow me to the grocery store".

"Where is this coming from?" he asked, wide eyed as hell.

The waiter came.

"While you look at the menu, would you like anything to drink?" she asked.

"Just water for me" I said, not wanting to spend much money on this little outing.

"Ice Tea" he said, looking at me while answering.

The waiter could sense the tension with us. I didn't even know how mad I was until I started
talking. I guess this was just another one of those things I had kept bottled up. I always use to
hold my tongue. Maybe it was the RihRih in me that had me spouting off nowadays.

"Beyonce, can we back up? What are we arguing about?" he asked, carefully choosing his
words.

"We're not arguing. I'm just telling you I don't like how you don't let me breathe sometime.
Like you check my grades online. You have people watch me at parties. And lord knows what
else you do to watch me. And then you come to my job just to freak me out. I don't like that
shit".

"Ok. See now you are throwing a bunch of shit on a wall to see if it sticks. If you want me to
back up, Bee. I'll back all the way up" he warned, his eyes now hardened.

"I'm not asking you to leave me alone. Just respect my privacy a little more. Like, ok you can
find out everything you want about me, right?"

"Yeah"

"How about instead of seeking things. You just ask ME?"

"I do ask".

"And if I don't tell you, then you find out anyway".

"Cuz I wanna know".

"But can't you just sometimes give me the benefit of the doubt and not know?"
"Why? I don't think ignorance is bliss, like you seem to do. I think we should be
completely forthcoming".

"Were you forthcoming when Rosario and Shaun came down? Or were you
waiting for the right time to tell me and was wanting me to give you the benefit
of the doubt?"

He was mad now. I immediately saw lines appear in his face. Like he was biting
his tongue. And his eyes looked threatening. He could always challenge
someone, but when they challenged him, he would look like someone spat a
spitball in his face.

"Aight then. I just won't care anymore. Since that's what you want".

"No" I sighed, "I want you to care. You're not listening to me".

The waiter came back, "You guys ready to order?"

I hadn't even opened the menu yet but I knew what I wanted anyway.

"Just get me a chicken salad" I said.

Carter opened his menu but still looked angry. This wasn't how I envisioned this
going. I wanted to speak my mind and have him listen to me without getting
defensive. But it seemed like neither of us were really communicating well.

"Steak and Cheese" he said, before turning his attention back to me.

She took our menus, and said our orders would be out soon, but Shawn and I
were both staring at each other and tuning her out. I was mad. Now he was mad.
And what were we mad at, exactly? I think I knew the real reason. We both
wanted each other. And when people wanted each other but extraneous
circumstances kept them apart, they tended to argue about trivial things. They
had to release that frustration somehow. And I loved Carter. And I knew he loved
me. But since Rosario passed, neither of us had discussed our feelings much. I
guess I did it out of respect for her passing and he did it because of Shaun, but us
being friends but avoiding our feelings for each other was overwhelmingly
difficult.

It was why I signed out that night he said he loved me. I couldn't take him saying
that and even controlling myself from throwing myself at him. At this point, I
didn't even know why we were still keeping our distance. It was easy to
understand when Rosario was alive. But I didn't get it now. I just never brought it
up because I didn't want to once again be accused of being immature. So I left it
alone. Until now.

"Shawn. Help me understand this".

"What?"

"This. Us. Me and you. We talk. You give me money. We obviously still have
feelings. But we don't act on them. We don't even talk about them. I can't take it.
I can't take feeling like I mean something to you but then not be anything to
you".

"What are you asking, exactly?"

"I don't know what I'm asking, Shawn" I said, getting frustrated at my tongue
being tied with so many different thoughts.

"You go from telling me to back up to saying you don't know what you're asking?"

"I'm not even talking about that right now".

"Well color me confused. I don't know what the f*ck you are talking about" he
said.

I had to take a deep breath and count to 10. He was still on the defensive. And I
wasn't speaking how I wanted to. So much for the public speaking class.

"Shawn. Why aren't we together?"

"This again?" he asked.

"What do you mean again? We haven't talked about it since that night I fell".

"Bee, you know the reasons why. You even said it was for the best. When I was at
the funeral".

"I said your decision then was for the best. But I'm talking about now. Where do
we stand now?"

"You're asking me something that has no answer" he said.

"What? You can't answer what we are now?"

"Have I ever been able to label us Beyonce? Everything about our relationship is
so left field. I don't know what to call us. Label us. Categorize us. We just are.
You're my friend. One of my only friends" he said.

"But you love me, yes?"

"Yes"

"Are you in love with me?" I asked, tears coming in my eye.

He didn't answer. My heart dropped.

"Nevermind" I said, turning away from him.

"No. Just give me a second" he said.

"No. If you need a second to decide if you do then I know the answer".

"I don't need a second to decide if I'm in love with you. I need a second to decide
if telling you that is healthy for us".

"You are full of so much shit, Shawn. What happened to you just telling me five
minutes ago to be forthcoming and honest?"

"Yes I'm in love with you. Aight? But what is the point of all of this confession? We
love each other. We both know that, Bee. It doesn't change our situation".

"And I'm asking you. What is our situation?"

"I have a child now that needs me full time. Our relationship violates every single
code of conduct because of the conflicts of interest. There is no way we could
make anything between us work right now".

"But what about the future? What about after I graduate next year?"

"I can't predict the future, Bee".

I was crying now.

"I'm not asking you to predict the future, man. I'm asking for some sort of
acknowledgement that you think we still could work out. Damn".

"I don't know Bee. How can I be a full time dad. A good one. And still be with
you?"

"You're making every excuse in the world right now. If you want to be with me,
you would be with me. You're acting like Shaun is stupid. She would be ok with
you dating me. Why would we have to even hide it from her?"

He laughed bitterly, "The girls mother JUST died, Beyonce. And you think she
would be cool with me bringing your young ass over to play mommy?"

"Yes. She would be cool with it. Know why? Because her 13 year old ass has
better perspective than your ass does. She can see the bigger picture better than
you do. I'm amazed how someone so smart is so stupid".

"Stupid, huh?"
"Sorry but i'm being honest. You may be educated and shit. But when it comes to
understanding people. You suck".

"What I do understand is you better start watching your mouth" he said.

"Or what?" I laughed.

He stood up abruptly and just stared at me. I felt so awful at this argument. We
were both in the same book, but just on completely different pages. And it hurt
because I really did love him. I wasn't wanting to be with anyone else, except
him. And I would wait a year until I graduated if that was what it took. But he
couldn't even give me that security. That in a year we'd try us again. Why?

He pulled his wallet out of his pants and dropped a hundred dollar bill on the
table. Without another word, he left.

**

I hadn't had sex in a minute. Rihanna said I just needed some on demand dick
from someone. I had tried that with Wiz and I wasn't doing it again. But man after
the argument with Carter I really felt even more backed up. And for some reason,
the way he told me I needed to watch my mouth kept playing in my head. I had
never seen him mad like that. It was a tun on. At this point almost everything was
a turn on. I found myself reading sex stories online just so I could feed my
increasingly freaky mind. And then I remembered that Rih had bought me a gift
card to Barnes and Noble for my birthday. decided to hit the book store so I could
get me a freaky deaky book, like the Zane Sex Chronicles book I had heard so
much about. Amazon seemed to give it good ratings too. I was going to lock
myself in my room and read that shit.

I picked up that book, another urban erotica book, and then found myself in the
young adult section where I found the Twilight Books everyone were always
talking about.
What the hell. Maybe hearing about a girl want to f*ck a vampire would help get
me off too. I had the books pressed against my chest and was prepared to head
to the front desk when I heard a familiar voice call me. Oh Lord, her?

"Oh...Hey Nicki" I said as the awkward moment sank in.

She kept on smiling. Although this time it seemed a little more approachable. We
hadn't spoken at all since her message to me on facebook.

"I seen you walking around. Thought I'd speak. What you reading?" she asked
me.

I felt embarrassed as hell as I showed her the books I had. Sex shit and Twilight.
She laughed.

"Damn girl" was all she said.

I glanced towards her arm to see what book she had. She saw this and let me
know.

"Pretty good read so far" she said.

I nodded but inside was feeling like she was making fun of me. Ok, so I'm reading
bullshit while she was reading some intellectual shit. I was the student president
and she was the loser. Were the roles reversed a bit here?

She smiled, "Don't even trip. I've read twilight too. I'm team Jacob".

We were both headed to buy our books so we went together. I really didn't have
much to say because I didn't know what we could talk about. This girl had been
so rude and mean to me for years. But she was all friendly acting for the
moment. I wondered if there was a catch. If she'd have some rude comment to
say on her way out. Or if she just didn't have it in it to say anything mean
because of what had happened in the election. Because I wasn't so sure of her
angle, I just remained polite and quiet as we waited in line.

The first teller called her up and the one right next to them called me so we
bought our books at the same time and were on our way out at the same time.

"You want some coffee?" she asked me, pointing towards the Starbucks that near
the exit of the store.

I didn't really want any. But the way she asked me was all nice and shit. Like she
really wanted to talk. I decided to accept her offer, mostly to see if we could
finally clear the air. It was senior year. Would we finally call a truce? The thing
about Nicki is that she was always nice to people. Even when she was being
mean as hell she was nice. And that's what made trying to decipher her actions
so difficult. I really wasn't in the mood for another one of her disingenuous chats
that tried to make a fool of me so I made sure to be on guard as we ordered out
drinks and sat down. She asked me here, so I let her start the conversation.

"How do you like being president so far?" she asked.

"It's ok. A lot of work" I smiled.

"Glad you beat me?" she boldly asked, before taking a sip.

"I'm glad I won" I said.

She giggled, "Bee it's ok to say you're glad you beat me. I was a b*tch to you for
a long time. I know the win was a little bit sweeter because it was over me".

"Well. Now that you mention it" I joked.

We both shared another little giggle. Hmm. Where was she going with this?

"You know. I liked the way you ran your campaign. At first I thought Jarvis was
trying to pull a fast one when he dropped out and decided to be your Vice. But
you really did a good job. Clean too. I admired that".

"Well. Thanks. But we all know why I really won. That was your election to lose".
"I'm just glad you did what you did. I'd much rather lose and win, then win and
lose, if you follow what I'm saying".

I laughed, "I think so".

"Whatever happened with you and your boy?"

"Who?"

"I don't remember his name. The white boy".

"Oh Chris. We broke up" I said.

"Really? I was wondering why I hadn't seen him around much".

"Yeah. He dropped out" I said, giving her more info than I should have.

"It wasn't over what happened at your party, was it?"

"Nah. Although that did start up some shit with us" I eyed her, "It was other
things that broke us up".

"Well hey. The boy shouldn't have been saying nigga" she laughed, "But I am
sorry yall broke up. You seemed to really like him. And I could tell he loved your
ass".

"Well off me. What about you? Who you dating?" I asked, wanting to change the
focus.

"I talk to someone. He goes to FSU though".

"Oh really? Too good for FAM?"

"He on the Basketball team there".

"Oh so you trying to catch you a ball player? I see you" I joked.

She laughed, "That boy ain't going to the pros. He's a senior and barely even gets
on the court. He stays in shape though, so at least all that practice is good for
something. I don't even bother watching the games on TV. He never plays".

We laughed and sipped.

"You ever found out who stole your laptop?"

"Nah. It don't matter though. I learned my lesson. No sending pictures to niggas".

"I'm really sorry that even happened. I would have died if someone had did
something like that to me".

"Well it definitely wasn't easy to deal with. Everyone kept telling me you did it.
But for some reason, I felt that you ain't have nothing to do with it. Although if
you did, that was one hell of a plan".

"I wouldn't do that to you, Nicki".

"Why?"

"Because. At the end of the day, I'm a woman. And I understand how something
like that could destroy you as woman. I wouldn't do that to another girl. Now a no
good nigga? I'm not so sure".

She laughed and we both sipped our drinks to silence for a moment. I wondered
what she was thinking.

"I believe you Beyonce. You're good with me" she said.

"Why wasn't I good with you to begin with? I never did anything to you".

"It was Tips lying ass that made me dislike you. He liked the idea of us fighting
over him. He told me you said I had ass implants. I was like, no this hating b*tch
didn't".

I laughed because I remembered that I did tell Tip that once. But I kept that shit
to myself. I wasn't going to let her know that.

"I wasn't trying to compete against you for him".

"You coulda fooled me. I still remember when you kissed him at that party, all in
my face".

"I did that cuz I wanted to kiss him" I smiled.

"Yeah. I bet you did" she rolled her eyes, "But anyway. The nigga is old news
now. Why yall ain't work out anyway?"

"Me and Tip never officially even dated. He was cool and all. But we weren't
really compatible. Just friends".

"I don't think he is compatible with.." she stopped.

"Compatible with what?"

"Nothing" she laughed.

"No, what?"

"Let's just say I've seen some suspect behavior from him".

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yeah. But I ain't even going there. He's still my homie".

"Nicki. Can I ask your ass something?"

She looked hard, "Sure. Wassup?"

"You don't feel sorry, at all for how you treated me? Like, we're having this cool
ass conversation. You don't feel weird?"

She shook her head, "Nope. I don't feel sorry at all".

I just looked at her with a crooked smile. She had to elaborate on this.

"Look. Don't take it the wrong way. And definitely don't play the victim here. We
both went at each other. We developed a rivalry. And I don't feel sorry for having
one with you. It's taught me a lot. I've grown a lot. You have taught me a lot. Do I
feel sorry that I touched a hot stove when I was 3 and burnt my hand? No. That
shit taught me not to touch stoves. Do I feel sorry for falling in love with Tip? No.
It taught me about love. Ain't no victims here, just lessons. And honestly, I feel
like I know you and your character better than all of the them girls that call me
their best friend. They smile in your face and stab you. I knew you didn't like me.
And you had a knife. And you didn't stab me. I respect that. I've learned a lot
from that. I'm not sorry for the experiences I've had since being here".

"But don't you think it wouldn't be better if you had me as a friend for these
years instead of an enemy?"

She played with that question. Chewed it. Tasted it. And spit it back out with the
yuck face.

"Nah. Cuz then we wouldn't have been able to have this real ass convo right
here. You're a cool chick. I would be second guessing you like I do all of my other
friends if we were tight. I'd much rather it be like it is now".

I laughed at this. What weird ass logic. But I guessed it worked. I guess I could
accept that. I guess.

"Beyonce?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"Don't think I never had real dirt on you. I did. And you know how I know you're a
real ass chick? Because when you said you couldn't do a woman like that, I knew
you were telling the truth because I felt the same way. Now I could do some shit.
I could talk about your skin color and shit just to rattle you. But just know. I know
you f*cked Wiz. I know because I'm cool with his sister and she told me that you
and him were messing around at that store. I could have spread that shit. But I
didn't. And I won't. But I do want you to know that I knew the truth".

She paused, and then laughed, "And girl. I would deny his ass too".

I was probably looking a fool. But what could I say? I couldn't deny it. I couldn't
even deny it. I just looked crazy while she grinned. We went our separate ways
shortly after that. We didn't magically become friends or anything. She was still
Nicki and I was still Beyonce. We were too different and too prideful to all of a
sudden just start calling each other friends. She still irked the shit out of me and I
likely irked her too. But the lesson I did learn was that above all else, we were
both women with similar thoughts on this rivalry we had. I wasn't sorry for it
either. In fact, I appreciated every little catty thing she had done to me. I grew up
a lot because of it. We both did. It was a microcosm of what lay ahead in the real
world once we were out of college. It gave us thick skin. It made us better.

Would I have ever thrown as big and amazing a party as I did if me and Nicki
weren't competing? Would I have put as much effort into outdoing her in NAACP,
which led to some of my most shining moments? No. The competition was good.
It brought out our best. The desire to want to be better than her had made us
both celebrated women on campus. And she was right about one more thing. It
was sweet. The election wasn't sweet because I won. It was sweet because I won
against her. Now I could say, I was the best b*tch doing it.

**

You know why I love Shawn Carter? And why I would do anything for him? And
why, even after I cursed him out, I'd come running to his house? He had his flaws,
sure, but his heart was worth it's weight in gold. He cared about people, even
people he didn't like at the moment, which was me. He knew I was going to be
receiving my B.A. in education and that my specialty was math. I wanted to teach
middle school. He remembered those little details I had told him so long ago, shit
I thought he wasn't paying attention to or chalked up to conversational minutia.
But he did absorb little things I said. The smallest detail he would recall. And
when he saw an opportunity to help me out along the way, he did.

He sent me an email telling me about a chance to earn college credit and some
experience helping tutor middle school kids in math. I was assigned to three kids
in the area that I would help in after school programs with mostly Pre-Algebra.
But the hours also counted as an honors class so it would help boost my GPA
back up after I received my first B in school. I was in the running for top of the
class honors and this program would certainly help me out. Carter knew it and he
didn't hesitate to help me, even though we weren't on speaking terms at the
moment.
When he called me to tell me that Shaun needed help with her math, I didn't
even give it a second thought. I told him I'd help her. And I showed up to his
house the next weekend ready to help her with Algebra. She was in an advanced
8th grade math class, and they studied a little Geometry too, but I was happy
when I got there that she understood the basics pretty well. Most of the time
when I tutored a kid, they didn't know anything about anything. Hell, two of my
kids were still barely getting fractions and decimals. But Shaun was way further
along than them. Instead of having to give her a refresher on basic math like I did
with my other kids I could jump right into the Pythagorean Theorem.

Carter was in his room when I came over. She said he was busy grading papers
for his freshman class. I wondered briefly if Wallace was in there. She had grown
a little bit since I last seen her. Her chest looked fuller. She looked more shapely.
She had a little bit of acne but it wasn't hard to tell she was really going to be just
as gorgeous as her mother was. I found myself looking at her a lot. We sat
shoulder to shoulder at the round table and when she looked down to work on a
problem I'd look at her facial features. I searched for Carter in her. I saw it a lil
bit, but I mostly saw Rosario. And then I remembered the last time I talked to her.
The day at the hospital when she told me she trusted me with her child.

I never got clarity on what she meant by that. But I took it to mean she trusted
me as a motherly figure once she passed. It was definitely a forward statement. A
lot of pressure too. I was still a young adult. I couldn't be anyones mother.
Especially a teenager. But maybe she just meant she understood I would never
hurt Shaun or try to take her away from her dad. Maybe that was it.

"Do you like my dad?" Shaun asked casually as she finished off a problem.

"What?" I asked uneasily.

She looked up, no noticeable expression on her face.

"Do you like my dad?" she asked again, same expression. No hint that she was
playing any games.

"Car...Mr. Carter is a cool guy. But he's my teacher" I said.

She looked at me for a moment, her right cheek puffed up full of air, and then
she went back to doing her problem. Carter walked out a few minutes later and
asked if I wanted something to drink. I declined and he went back into his
bedroom. I was glad, because I wanted to know what was going on in her head.

"Why did you ask me that question?" I asked.

"About my dad?" she said, still with her head down, working the problem.

"Yes".
"Just asking. Seems like you like him. Is this a 2 or a 7?" she asked me.

My handwriting sometimes could be messy. I looked at the paper hard.

"It's a 2. Sorry" I said.

"Ok. So are these right?" she asked.

I took the paper from her and reviewed her answers. She caught on quick. She
processed my examples faster than any of the other kids did. What took them an
hour took this girl 20 minutes.

"Great job. All of these are right. Except you forgot to factor this last one" I
pointed out.

She corrected her one mistake and got up from the table.

"I'm getting a snack. You want anything?" she asked.

"Like what?"

"You like oreos and milk?" she asked.

"Love oreos and milk" I smiled.

We dumped our cookies, and finished off the hour of tutoring I had for her.
Usually the first session was mostly me explaining the same problem over and
over again, but I had sat back and watched her most of the time. She had a few
hangups along the way, but nothing that she didn't get after I did a few problems
and let her watch. I thought about the question she asked me and why she asked
it. It kind of made me uneasy. What had I done to make her think that? And what
did Rosario say to her? Did Rosario say anything at all? I couldn't put together the
puzzle. I couldn't get inside this 13 years olds head.

And now I saw what they meant by she was wise beyond her years. She could be
so dry and straightforward, but when I looked in her eyes I knew she was far
more than that. I just wished she would let me in a little. I remember when I took
the 30 day challenge and wrote 30 poems in 30 days, one of them was about
Shaun. She was such a little asshole when I first met her. I didn't like her. And I
remember writing how I thought she was a demon child. Her dryness ate at me.
Now, it piqued my interest and I just had to get some more personality from her. I
remembered how dry Carter was when I first met him. Once I got past that I
found out how funny and eccentric he could be. And then I remembered how
crazy Rosario could be. Their offspring had to possess their same traits.

"So what did you do this summer?" I asked, trying to get a little convo with her
going as I started packing up.
"Not too much. Played soccer. Played my piano. I also started learning the guitar.
I went to camp too".

"How was camp?" I asked.

"It was ok" she answered.

Damn. She really didn't volunteer much.

"How do you like it in Florida? Do you miss home much?"

"It's so hot here. Like, too hot. Plus it doesn't snow. I miss snow. I remember mom
and me would always make snow angels in the backyard".

I wondered if I had struck a chord. If maybe her mentioning her mother would
cause her to breakdown and cry. But maybe that just happened in the movies
because she didn't even seem to give a second thought to her statement.

"I'm sorry what happened to her. I never got a chance to tell you but I think
you're very lucky to have had her as a mother. She was a really great woman" I
smiled, trying to encourage her or something.

She just smirked, "Yeah. Thanks".

It wasn't quite the response I thought I'd get, but I smiled at her and got my
purse.

"I like your purse. Where did you get it?" she asked.

And then I remembered it was one Carter bought me when we were in New York.

"A friend gave it to me" I lied.

She nodded.

"Dad! We're done!" Shaun screamed.

Carter came out, his glasses hanging low on his face. We eyed each other and I
felt goosebumps. Damn, maybe this is why she could tell I liked him. I mean,
Maya saw it. Rosario saw it. And now a 13 year old saw it too. I guess I really was
obvious. I looked away.

"Aight. Thanks again Miss Knowles" he said.

"No problem, Mr. Carter" I replied.

He called me later that evening. I told him what Shaun asked me.
"What did you say?" he asked.

"I told him you were my teacher and that was it. I didn't know what to say. You
sure Rosario didn't tell her about us?"

"She didn't. Before Ro passed me and her had an open talk about everything. She
told me she knew about me and you. But she said she wasn't going to out me to
anyone, including Shaun. But Shaun is an observant child. Maybe she picked up
on something" he said.

"I don't think she was mad about it or anything though. Like when she asked, it
didn't seem like she was...what's the word...trippin over it. She just seemed
curious. Like it was interesting".

"Still. I don't want her to be thinking about that".

"Why are you so afraid of her knowing you like other people other than her dead
mother?"

"It's not that. It's just it's too soon for her to see me dating again. I want her to
feel comfortable knowing it's just me and her. She's still mourning over her mom.
Just cuz she ain't crying over it don't mean she ain't mourning. I've noticed she
brings up her mom a lot when around people. Like she wants to see how they will
react when she brings her up".

"Damn. I think she did that with me" I said.

"Word?"

"Yeah. She said she use to make snow angels with her".

"Did you feel all sorry for her and shit?"

"YES!" i said, remembering how awful I felt when she said it.

"She did it to people at camp too. Did it to her teacher. Does it to me. Just brings
up Rosario out of nowhere. But she don't do it with a sad face. She does it all
casual. First time she did it I tried to be all comforting but she just shrugged it off
and said she was fine. Asked me did I need to talk about it. Can you believe
that?"

I giggled, "She's something else".

"She is".

There was silence. I cut right through it.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sup?"

"When you told me the other week that I better watch my mouth. Were you
gonna hit me?"

He laughed hard at this, "I wanted to, I ain't going to even lie. But I wouldn't hit
you".

"I saw the devil in your eyes when you said that" I laughed.

"Well then you must have just saw your reflection. Cuz you was acting an ass
that whole conversation".

"You can't just be showing up at my spot. I was mad at you. Still am kinda, but
whatever".

"You seemed to be mad about a lot of different things".

"Sorry that I'm mad we're not together. How horrible of me" I said sarcastically.

"Don't you get that I love you girl?"

"I get it. I get it. I just miss gettin' it" I joked.

We both started laughing. And laughing. And laughing. The laugh lasted much
longer than i anticipated and I don't even know why we both found it so funny.
Maybe because we both missed the same thing. Maybe because it wasn't a joke,
it was the dead on truth but neither of us wanted to say it with a straight face. My
cheeks were starting to hurt from laughing so hard, especially since his laugh
always made me laugh harder. We calmed down after a while. But neither of us
spoke for awhile. Just let the laugh settle down. He exhaled out and I breathed in.

"I love you so much Bee. I really do" he said.

"I love you too" I said softly.

He had to go fix dinner. We hung up and I sat and listened to music, just thinking
about how real the words felt when he said them to me. He loved me...so much.
It felt good to hear. But I wish I could feel him express it to me. Feel his warm
touch and feel those big lips all over my body, like he use to do. He was a great
kisser, much better than anyone else I had kissed. And then there was the penis.
I had missed that thing too.

I found myself thinking about all of the people I'd slept with the past three years.
Tip had an average sized dick although it looked like a baby dick when he wasn't
hard. I couldn't remember much else about it. I think my mental hard drive had
deleted much of that memory to save room for more important memories.

Chris had a pretty nice sized penis. I remember the tip of it swelled when he was
really aroused. I remembered this because there was always extra pressure in
my throat when I was digesting his erection. But Chris wasn't very memorable
when it came to pleasuring me, that was what I remembered. I seemed to get the
most pleasure from pleasuring him and watching his reaction. He tried. But never
quite got the rhythm down when stroking. He never really hit any of my spots.

Carter was a great lover. He had fantastic tongue skills too. It didn't matter where
his mouth was on my body, it was always great. My neck, my lips, my pussy.
Those lips of his were always put to use. And then that dick. It wasn't huge or
anything but I had trouble getting all of it in me when we first started. It wasn't
like I every measured a dick before so I couldn't tell what it was in inches, but
let's just say I could wrap both hands around it. I knew because I vividly
remembered the many times I had went down on him. One hand at the bottom,
one hand in the middle and my tongue slowly circling the tip. That was how I
always started it.

Wiz. The longest of any of the guys I'd messed with. Really long. But really skinny
too. It curved to the left, I remembered that. I never sucked it. He was the only
guy I f*cked that I didn't give oral to. I was afraid of putting that thing down my
throat. It would be like swallowing one end of a nunchuck. But I can't hate on
him. He knew what he was doing. He had good dick. Diseased, but good in a
purely physical sense. I came every time we f*cked except the last time, and that
was because the nigga was trying to romance me like I was his girlfriend instead
of beating my pussy like it stole something.

And then there was my RiRi. My girl. My friend. Damn. The experience with her
was one I had trouble even describing because it was more than just my body
being toyed with. So many emotions flowed through me the instance her tongue
entered my mouth and you could double those emotions when her tongue
touched my damn "special place". Whew. I don't even wanna go there. No
thinking about that. It never happened.

I was horny now. Laying in bed and horny. I briefly had stopped masturbating
because going to church made me feel guilty about it but f*ck that. I needed a
release and I needed it bad. I started rubbing myself, reminiscing about some of
the great sex I'd had. And then i was interrupted.

"Bee. Can you hand me some tissue?"

"I'm BUSY!" I screamed at Michelle through my locked door.

"Well I can't get up i'm on the toilet. Just bring me some real quick" she yelled
back.

Damn heifer. I reached for my panties and went into the closet to bring her a roll
of toilet paper. I opened the bathroom door and was met with death, the smell of
death.

"Damn Shell" I screamed before throwing the roll at her and shutting the door
shut. She just laughed.

I went back into my room coughing and all out of the mood. I knew I still wanted
a nut but I had to get my mind right again. It was hard to nurture a wet pussy
with the smell of ass juice dripping from your poo sniffer. I laid down and then
thought about Carters lips. That didn't work so I thought about his dick. I rubbed
my own nipples through the thin fabrics of my shirt to try and get them hard. Ok,
I was getting there. I pealed my panties off again and spread my legs wide. I
licked my fingers and once again went to work. I was a few minutes in when I
heard my Yahoo Messenger go off. I ignored it at first, it was probably Kelly or
someone I could talk to later.
But then it went off again. And then I got buzzed. I needed to concentrate to get
off manually and this was breaking my concentration. Sigh. I got up meaning to
shut my sound off when I noticed it was Carter that was IMing me.

S. Carter: Hey

S. Carter: HEY!

BUZZ!!!

QueenBey 2005:...kinda busy

S. Carter: Too busy to talk to me?

QueenBey 2005: Yep...

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: Baby

S. Carter: You for real though? You busy?

QueenBey 2005: lol, i was in the middle of something

S. Carter: Like?

QueenBey 2005: Let me ask you a question

S. Carter: You not going to answer my question first?

QueenBey 2005: it fits in with your question. i want u to answer before i tell
u...and be honest...
S. Carter: I'm always honest

QueenBey 2005: lol you're lying RIGHT NOW...always honest my ass

S. Carter: What do you want to ask?

QueenBey 2005: Have you ever masturbated to me?

S. Carter: No

QueenBey 2005: Really?

S. Carter:

QueenBey 2005: LMAO

S. Carter: The hell you asking me that for?

QueenBey 2005:...well....I was busy....

S. Carter: hmmmmmm.....

QueenBey 2005: lol i just thought about something...when did u first jack off to
me? was it my freshman year?

S. Carter: You were like...16 your freshman year

QueenBey 2005: I know

S. Carter: LOL the hell kinda To-Catch-A-Predator shit is this?

QueenBey 2005: I'm just curious lol...tell me the truth...i won't tell nobody

S. Carter: I refuse to answer this question...

QueenBey 2005: What happened to being forthcoming?

S. Carter: Beyonce no. I never masturbated to you when you were under age. I
did however, have a few fantasies about you....u happy?

QueenBey 2005: Why you didn't touch yourself when you had them?

S. Carter: Cuz it was wrong

QueenBey 2005: lol what makes it wrong? 16 is the age of consent in a few
states. You could have f*cked me silly in Connecticut with no problem. Or over in
Europe.

S. Carter: You got me feeling all kinds of dirty right now, Miss Knowles

QueenBey 2005: And you got me feeling all kinds of horny

S. Carter: Word?

QueenBey 2005: *nods*

S. Carter: What do you have on?

QueenBey 2005: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrxLy9LgGuo

S. Carter: Damn...

QueenBey 2005: Actually I lied

S. Carter: Tease

QueenBey 2005: I just have a tshirt on...thats it

S. Carter: What's the tshirt there for then? Take that off too

QueenBey 2005: whatever you say Mr. Carter

S. Carter: You lying....you serious?

QueenBey 2005: So serious

S. Carter: You naked?

QueenBey 2005: As the day I was born...which just a few years from the day
Shaun was born

S. Carter: You sure do know how to f*ck up a mood, don't you?

QueenBey 2005: LOL. Babe i'm just joking...i love u...u 4give me?

S. Carter: hell nah

QueenBey 2005:
S. Carter: Prove you are naked

QueenBey 2005: How?

S. Carter: Use your webcam

QueenBey 2005: lol you want me to get on cam?

S. Carter: u want me to forgive u right?

QueenBey 2005: yes daddy

S. Carter: BEYONCE!

QueenBey 2005: lol ok ok...ima stop for real...but i wish u could spank
me...punish me for being a bad girl

S. Carter: You need a good spanking...

QueenBey 2005: can u give me one?

S. Carter: Get on cam...now

QueenBey 2005: You for real for real?

S. Carter: I ain't asking you again....youngin'

QueenBey 2005: Yes sir...

I had never been naked on web cam. Never even thought I'd ever go there. I had
heard just way too many horror stories of girls getting on cam for their dudes
only to have him post that shit on some porn site. And then the shit that
happened with Nicki. The situation reminded me of the sex without a condom
thing. You always rationalize how stupid it is, but in the heat of the moment, you
were liable to do anything if that heat was sitting in your pussy hard enough. And
I was so horny. And I trusted Carter. He wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I knew
my nudity would be for his eyes only. I cut on the camera. He could only see my
face and the top part of my chest at first. He couldn't see nipple.

S. Carter: Damn...

QueenBey 2005: You get on cam too...

S. Carter: Do I have to?

QueenBey 2005: If you wanna see more than my pretty face tonight then yes

He hopped on cam fast as hell when I said that. He looked funny. Like he was a
high schooler. I couldn't help but giggle at us. We were acting like high schoolers
with this entire IM.

S. Carter: Can I see your breast?

I leaned back so he could get a good view. I smiled and rubbed them together for
him. This only turned me on even more because his damn mouth was watering
from looking. It was still kind of embarrassing.

S. Carter: Gotdamn you are so beautiful, Bey...

QueenBey 2005: Can I see your dick?

S. Carter: Not yet...you've been a bad girl...i gotta punish u

QueenBey 2005: How are u gonna do that?

S. Carter: First...before we do this...u gotta promise to do exactly...EXACTLY

what I say....no if ands or buts

QueenBey 2005: This sounds scary...

S. Carter: You promise?

QueenBey 2005: Will I get to see your dick afterwards? And what all i gotta do?

S. Carter: Do as I say...you'll see my dick...ok?

QueenBey 2005: Ok

We were both trying not to laugh while on cam. Carter was trying to be all
aggressive and dominant, but he couldn't even keep a straight face. It was still
sexy. So sexy seeing him so turned on and wanting to control me. It had been
over a year since I seen his dick. I wanted to see it. I was doing to do whatever it
took to see it. Whatever it took.
S. Carter: Stand up...and back up a little bit

QueenBey 2005: Yes sir

I did as he said. He then had me adjust my laptop so I could read what he wanted
me to do and he had a good view of me. He had a view from the pussy up. I had
shaved the day before, so he had a great shot of me. And I felt extremely
aroused as he laid his eyes on my naked body for the first time in so long.

S. Carter: rub ur nipples

I rubbed them for him. Squeezed them together and tried to look devilish as I did
it.

S. Carter: lick them

I licked them. Starting with my right one. He never took his eyes off me. He
wasn't even blinking. He bit his lip as he watched me nibble on my erect nipples.
It felt damn good too.

S. Carter: You've been a bad girl havent u?

I walked over towards the keypad so I could write him but he stopped me.

S. Carter: dont type...use ur body language to answer me...

I moved back and he asked again. This time I nodded. I had been a naughty girl.
Now what, Carter?

S. Carter: Turn around...now..

I giggled at this request. Well, here goes. I turned around so he could get a nice
view of my ass. I even presented it by putting my hands on the back of my head
and sensually running them down my neck as I looked back at him. He was
memorized by it. This was sexy but also just too easy. I really did have him
whipped.

S. Carter: lift one leg on ur bed and spank urself....hard...for being a bad girl

I laughed out loud at this. Seriously?

S. Carter: Don't laugh...or ima make you get a belt

I got the rest of the laughs out of my system and then put my left leg on the bed
and left the other on the floor. Now he could see my pussy from behind as well as
any other exposed goodies. I still looked back at him as I did this. I wanted to see
his reactions. When I hit my cheek the first time it barely made a sound. Even
though he couldn't hear, he still could tell it was a pathetic attempt.

S. Carter: What was that? Harder...

So I hit my slapped my ass again. Harder this time. A loud smacking sound
echoed off my walls and I hoped Michelle was in her room with her headphones
on or something..

S. Carter: Harder

I slapped my ass even harder. It kind of even hurt that time. I bit my lip and kept
spanking myself as he watched every moment. I had his undivided attention so I
took the moment to squeeze my ass cheek before going back to spanking myself
with one hand and rubbing my breast with the other.

S. Carter: Masturbate for me...

I walked back over to the laptop.

QueenBey 2005: I did what you said...don't I get to see your dick now?

S. Carter: I wanna see you masturbate first

QueenBey 2005: Please?

S. Carter: F*ck yourself...now

QueenBey 2005: ...sigh....ok Mr. Carter

I think he liked when I called him that. I had to admit I liked it too. Being
submissive could really be a turn on. I brought the computer over to the bed and
laid it at the foot. I climbed on and made sure he could see my entire body when I
laid back. From my toes to my face.

QueenBey 2005: Can you see?

S. Carter: Yep

I laid back and opened my legs.

S. Carter: Spread your legs wider...put them over ur head

This was a little more difficult but I managed to get them how he wanted. Damn
Yoga. He watched me as I went to business on myself. Rubbing my clit, gliding
my fingers through my slit before sticking my entire finger in my pussy and
licking the juices off my own finger. Oh he loved that. He f*cking loved it. And
him loving it got me so hot. So I kept going and I eventually got lost in it. I wasn't
just trying to entertain him now. I was really about to cum from him watching me
masturbate. I squeezed my breast with one hand, did myself with the other, and
closed my eyes as my legs dangled helplessly in the air. When I opened my eyes
he had pulled his dick out and was masturbating. The problem was I couldn't see.
All I could see was his arm moving up and down.

QueenBey 2005: I can't see it

S. Carter: Keep going babe

QueenBey 2005: I wanna see it...please? Can I see it? I've been a good
girl...show me

S. Carter: Ima have to stand up because my monitor don't go down this far

QueenBey 2005: ok

He stood up and stepped back. And then I saw it. My first penis. The first in my
mouth and my pussy. It looked just as delectable as I remembered. I wanted to
taste it immediately. Taste his pre-cum and feel the texture across my tongue.
But I couldn't. All I could do was imagine as he stroked himself.

S. Carter: Keep going...

He didn't even have to ask. We both started masturbating while looking at each
other. It was so hot. So unlike anything else I had done. I couldn't even hold off
very long as I came within a minute. I had to stuff my panties in my mouth to
keep me from screaming out as I rubbed myself furiously, watching him beat that
dick just as hard.

QueenBey 2005: I wish u could be inside me right now

He didn't even stop to IM back. He just kept going. Then I remembered he hadn't
gotten his nut yet. So I laid back and played with myself so he had a good visual.
His next IM kind of caught me off guard. But I was in such a please-him mood
that I let inhibition take over. Whatever Carter wanted, he got.

S. Carter: finger ur butt

I had never done that before. I never really understood the point of butt play. But
I did remember when Rihanna jammed her finger up there, it did have a
pleasurable sensation. But I couldn't tell if it was because I was already about to
cum or if her tiny fingers just had that magic. In either event, I took my index and
slowly pushed it inside my other hole, all while he jakced himself off. His dick was
rock hard. I used my other hand to lick my nipples for him.
S. Carte: suck ur finger

Maybe I should have thought about it, but I didn't. I took the same finger that was
in the stinker and slowly put it in my mouth. I felt so dirty, so nasty, so freaky.
But I also felt accomplished because that was the moment I looked at the cam
and saw a stream of his milky cum shoot right into the monitor. And it didn't stop
there. He just kept cumming and cumming. Like a watergun fight, except with
cum. And it was everywhere but he just kept on stroking. Man I wish I had been
there for that. Or that it would have all been going down my throat. And before I
knew it, I was cumming again just thinking about it. I didn't even realize I had
been rubbing my pussy again.

Clean up for him was hilarious. He left out of the room and came back with wet
rags and baby wipes and disinfectant. I had my shirt back on by this time and
watched as he played janitor and cleaned up that mess he made. I eventually
went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my hands. All we could do at
our impromptu cyber sex session was laugh.

QueenBey 2005: that was so hot

S. Carter: I haven't came that hard in idk how long

QueenBey 2005: It was a sight to behold

S. Carter: I can't believe u really sucked ur finger lol

QueenBey 2005: it got u off didnt it

S. Carter: You damn right it did...Bey, you are a FREAK

QueenBey 2005: Thanks? lol

S. Carter: No...Thank YOU...

We opened up a can of worms that night

**

"Rih. Why do guys like anal?"

"Cuz its tighter than the pussy and it's freaky" she answered nonchalantly.

"Why do you like it?" I asked.

"Cuz it feel good. Why? You tryna get f*cked there?"

"I don't know" I answered truthfully.

She laughed, "Nigga I know you. Everytime you start asking me some shit out of
the blue it means you are gonna try it soon. So who is bout to ass f*ck you?"

"Don't laugh when i tell you, ok?"

"Oh shit. Who?"

"Carter"

"The teacher dude?"

"Yeah"

She burst out laughing at this. I just knew she would. Bastid.

"What is so funny?"

"You are a little..." she stopped, "You are something else. I thought you ain't
mess with him no more?"

"Well I didn't. But we been doing a lot of stuff lately on the computer. Sending
pics and vids and stuff".

"Wait. You are sending this man stuff on the internet?"

"Yeah. He sent me stuff too".

"Beyonce. NO. You are doing it WRONG. It's cool if you do some ho shit every now
and then. But don't do no documented ho shit. Remember what happened to that
one b*tch?"

"Nicki?"

"Yeah".

"Yeah but Carter is careful. Ain't no one gonna be stealing his shit".

She simply shook her head, "It's pointless tryna talk sense in-ya. So just forget I
said it. But anyway. Now he wanna f*ck you in the ass?"

"He's never said he wants to. But I remember looking in his internet history one
time and saw he watched some anal porn before. And the other night he wanted
me to finger my butt".

"Sounds like my type of guy" she smirked.

"Oh shut up. But I'm thinking if and when me and him have sex again. I want to
surprise him. Let him take me there".

"So why you asking me about it?"

"Don't it hurt?" I asked.

"Yea it hurts. But some people don't mind the hurt. I can't tell you if it will hurt for
you. You better try a toy first to test it".

"Toy?"

"Yeah. Get a butt plug or a dildo and just play with your ass and see if you can
take it".

"Toys, Rih?"

She scoffed, "Don't talk down on toys. I use em all-la time. Test drive first
BeeBee".

"I wanna try it. I just don't want it to hurt or be messy".

"Just clean real good. Don't eat beforehand. Get some lube. Keep the butt plug in
your ass for about 2-3 hours before hand and it will be all good. No mess and
good pain".

"Sounds like a lot of work".

"It is. For some it's worth it. For some it ain't. But I gotta admit. I'm kinda jealous
of you. Sex with a teacher? Then letting that teacher f*ck you in the ass? That
shit is hot".

I laughed at her, and secretly got all hot and bothered just thinking about it.

She ended up telling me more about anal sex and what I should do to make it a
good experience. She told me there were times she enjoyed anal more than
vaginal sex. She said she even would bring toys into the bedroom for double
penetration. One thing in her pussy and the other in her ass. I wasn't ready for
any of that shit but I still enjoyed listening to her. She was still on her celibacy
streak so talking to me about her past sexual experiences got her all riled up.
She went to take a shower while I sat on her couch and playing with her dog.

"So what do you think Peanut? You think I should do it?" I asked the small doggy.
He looked at me with his tongue dangling and gave me a lick. I guess that was a
yes.

I didn't know when me and Carter would have sex because he still wasn't ready
to let Shaun know where were talking and he didn't want to leave her at home so
we could get a room or something. So we satisfied our lustful thoughts by
sending daily things to each other. I sent him a dirty text one morning and he
went in the bathroom and text me back a picture of his dick. I responded by
going in the bathroom and texting him a pic of my tits. And we went back and
forth like this.

I made a few videos for him. One where I did a strip tease in my bedroom while
dancing to Kid Cudi's Day and Night. I worked my hips and put on a splendid
show. I told him I just had one thing I wanted in return. A video of him
masturbating while he watched my vid for the first time. Seeing him cum was just
too delicious.

This went on for a few weeks until we just got too tired of it. We wanted more.
We wanted the real thing. It was 3 in the morning and 40 degrees outside. Still,
when he told me to come over I didn't even hesitate. I put on a jacket and left my
apartment with nothing but bra and panties on underneath. Shaun was sleep and
he didn't want her to wake up from our sex so he decided we'd do it in his car. I
parked a little bit down from his house just in case she came outside she wouldn't
see my car out front.

I texted him when I was there and he came outside in night clothes and a jacket
about two minutes later. He slowly shut the door and walked to his car. I got out
of mine and quickly walked over to the passenger side. He unlocked it, and I slid
in the backseat. We had this whole thing choreographed. No words even needed
to be said. We had built this moment up for over a year. Finally, we could have
each other again. Ironic that it would be in the car, just like the first time.

My clothes came off in a flash as I pulled down his pants and hopped on. We
kissed each other violently, like we were making up for lost time. I rode him into
a submissive state as his car bounced a west coast low rider. I was going to cum
just too quick so I hopped off and sucked his dick. The tinted car windows were
heavily fogged now. And even though it was pretty chilly out, we were both
sweating like we were out in the dessert. What went down in that car was so hot
so it was only fitting that we would be dripping with sweat. We managed to
switch positions as he laid me down and got on top, pounding my pussy hard
until I was cumming. When he was ready bust he pulled off the condom and
exploded all on my chest and belly, a good deal of it filling up my naval.

Of course, I used my finger to stir up the mess and taste it. He grinned and then
fell on top of me, exhausted from the late night booty call. We fell asleep in the
car, naked, sweaty and sticky and didn't re-awake until dawn. I had a lot of
explaining to do to Michelle when I walked in the house early that morning in with
my hair a mess while wearing underwear, a jacket, and bunny slippers.

That day at school I had the biggest smile on my face. There was just something
about breaking a drought of no sex with some good dick. And now just any ole
dick. But the one from the man that held your heart. And then I got to see that
man around campus setting fashion trends and shit. I loved it. I had it like no
other girl had it. And as hard as it was to deal with this relationship I had with
Carter, I wouldn't trade places with any other chick. I loved him and I was willing
to be whatever he wanted me to be until we could be together.

He wasn't the only person I ran into on campus that day. I also caught Wallace in
the cafe trying to get his study on. I was so cheerful that day that I was speaking
to everyone. I spoke when i saw him.

"Hey Wallace"
"Oh. Hey Beyonce. Wassup?" he said, just a smiling because I stopped to talk to
him.

"Nothing much. Just about to get some orange juice. How are you?"

"I'm good. Sit down. Let's chat" he smiled.

Why not, I thought . I was on cloud 9. Carter had refreshed my entire outlook on
life. I guess I could mingle with the obvious smitten freshman.

"What you working on?" I asked once I had gotten my juice.

"Mr. Carter's classwork, actually" he said.

"Oh really? How do you like it?"

"It's exceeded my expectations, actually. Yall hyped it up so much and I guess it

was as fun as yall made it seem. He seemed extra excited to teach the class this
morning".

I think I had an idea why. I grinned hard at this revelation.

"So how is church and everything going? And Bible Club"

He laughed, "Why do I get the feeling you're making fun of me?"

"Cuz I am" I smiled.

"It's not called Bible club, Beyonce. But anyway, it's good. I'm still waiting to see
you there. Come join the Jesus Freaks".

I laughed, "Is that what yall call yaselves?"

"That's what other people called us, so we ran with it. Kind of like niggers
becoming niggas".

"Aww. I think it's good to see a young dude that's strong in his faith though. You
get props for that".

"I think it's equally good to see a young woman strong in her faith" he said, eying
me.

"Slow down cowboy. Take your compliment and keep it classy".

He laughed, dropped his head, and closed his book.

"Where you going now?" he asked.

"Home. You?"

"I got a class in 10 minutes. Wanna walk with me there?"

"No. But you can walk me to my car if you'd like".

"If I walk to your car and then walk all-la-way over to the science building, I'm
guaranteed to be late".

I stood up, "Your call buddy".

Like I knew he would, he decided to walk with me. We seemed to be really down
to earth which I liked. I didn't have many male friends. Jarvis was my homie but
we didn't hang out much because of our busy senior schedules. Chris left me high
and dry after our relationship came to an end and then who was there? Tip?
Hardly. Maybe if this Wallace guy kept cool and didn't overstep the clear
boundaries I set then he could become someone worth chilling with. I guess I was
still curious to if platonic friendships could still be had between members of the
opposite sex. Rihanna would tell me no, unless the person was fugly or ghay, and
Wallace was neither. So this would be a test, so to speak. For me at least.

He asked me a few questions about what all I did as president and I gave him
some pretty straightforward answers. In fact, almost everything we talked about
was straightforward and above the surface. But at least he wasn't some shy kid
that couldn't hold a conversation. I found out that some people were so antisocial
and bad communicators that they couldn't chit chat for shit. It's like they were
only good at conversations when they were deep or something. People
underestimated how important it was to be able to talk about nothing in
particular. Wallace was great at that, I could already tell.

There was never a dry spot in our dialog where neither of us knew what to say.
Never a time when i felt awkward moment where we were reminded that we
were virtually strangers. No, he was one of those guys that could find a 5 minute
topic in whatever you put in front of him. In the 10 minute walk to the parking lot,
we discussed school fashion, dorms, and what kind of car he wanted to have
when he was a sophomore, since freshman couldn't have cars.

Nothing mind blowing, but we found out some things about each other in a short period of
time and without having to pull teeth to get it. I liked that.

When we reached the parking lot, I thanked him for the chat and was on my way.

"I still wanna see you at a Jesus Freak meeting. Aight, Beyonce?" he said, looking all young
and cute.

I laughed, "Ok. I'll see" even though I still had it in my mind I wouldn't go. When I pulled out
of the parking lot I got a call from "Vicky". I answered immediately.

"Hey babe" I said, happy to hear his voice.

"Wassup. Who was that you were walkin' with?" he asked, right out of the gate. Oh Lord.

"Just someone I met at orientation. Well, he knew me from church but he introduced himself
at orientation".

"He look familiar" Carter said.

"He is in your class".

"I thought he might have been. And since when you go to church?"

"I started going over the summer. I needed me some Jesus. I was going through a lot".
"You ever gonna tell me what you were going through?"

"Just school related stuff, babe and my breakup with Chris mostly" I said, not wanting to
bring up Wiz or the STD I had.

"Dude that walked with you. What's his name?"

I shook my head, "Here we go. He is in your class. You should know. But his name is
Wallace".

"First or last name?"

"I don't know. It's your class, Carter. You should know this".

"Yeah, whatever. Ima keep my eye on him. Up there walkin my woman out to her car. I gotta
watch his ass" he said.

I wanted to call him out on being so nosey but I didn't even do it because I liked hearing him
call me his woman. We had decided that we were going to be together again. Just too much
heavy passion for us to deny ourselves any longer. But we also decided we would wait until I
graduated for our relationship to become public. He said that was when he would let Shaun
know what me and him were a couple. It was almost October, so only 7 more months before
we could be seen in public and not be self conscious. Just 7 more months.

A lot could happen in 7 months, though.

Chapter 29

I still had lot's on unanswered questions in my life. So many questions that I couldn't answer
honestly. Sure I could give the right answer if someone were to ask me, but I would be lying
to them. Deep down I knew there were things about my life I was still so unsure of. Things I
refused to think about for long because they made me feel self doubt and ashamed of myself
for being so conflicted.

I couldn't tell you if I believed in God or not anymore. I grew up believing. I grew up judging
others that didn't believe. But my philosophy classes along with my conversations with
friends really distorted my view of God and religion. What was once so perfectly understood
now gave me a headache. The first real shock came when I was being taught evolution for the
first time. See, most kids got that teaching in public school, but since I had a church approved
lesson plan growing up, it was all new knowledge to me. But all of the scientific community
accepted evolution. The science I had been taught by my tutor which lent support to
creationism was seen as psuedo scientific junk but the rest of the world.

The new science didn't give me any issues when it came to schoolwork. I found the subject
enthralling so I soaked it all in and did well on exams. But remembering the information
wasn't the hard part. Accepting it when I was raised to believe in something completely
different was what I had trouble with. I wanted to teach Middle School Math but I was still
open to teaching 5th grade and that meant I had to be well versed in all of the school subjects.
It seems aside from math, all of the school subjects challenged my religious beliefs, even
something as simple as Geography. The date of the earth didn't coincide with scripture and
neither did basic history. Josephus was the only historical figure I knew that spoke of Jesus in
a historical context and even he didn't seem to be the same man the Bible mentioned.

But it wasn't just that. The bible itself seemed to be all out of whack. When I was reading one
of the feminist books Rihanna had given me it talked about religion being the underlining
source of misogyny in our world. I was just 17 when I started reading that and at first I
disregarded it. But the more I read, the more I felt the cognitive dissonance kicking in. There
were scriptures in the Bible that actually SUPPORTED rape. Scriptures in the Old Testament
where God okayed men to rape women. Scriptures where God okayed genocide and incest
and pedophilia and all of these things were messing with me. How could I believe in this book
when it had some really awful things in it that didn't seem to be very "Christian" at all?

I tried to talk with my dad about it once but he told me I shouldn't believe everything I read
because the world was going to try and corrupt me. He made it seem like educating myself
was sinful. And that really turned me off. I wanted as much knowledge as I could get. Why
was he so afraid of me gaining knowledge?

And that was when I really started to doubt my own faith. I didn't even bring faith up with
Michelle anymore because she would be saying similar things like my daddy. Like reading
science was evil. Well it wasn't just science that had me doubting, it was the Bible too. Even
the first part of Genesis didn't make much sense to me. Like, how did God create vegetation
before he created the sun? How did he create water without the sun? Wouldn't it have just
been ice? It lacked basic common sense.

And then there were the hateful things in the Bible like hating ghays. I never liked that.
People always pointed the scripture that said homosexuality was an abomination but in the
same chapter God also said eating shrimp was an abomination. So were the people eating at
red lobster on their way to hell just like homosexuals?

This confused me and it made me uneasy. I no longer knew what I believed. One one hand I
felt like God existed because I could feel him. But on the other hand it made no logical sense
to believe in the Bible. I tried to not even focus on it anymore. But every once in a while I was
faced with the reality of either denouncing or owning Christianity.

Rihanna was agnostic. She said she didn't know if there was a God, but she believed if there
was one, humans had no revelation from it. Therefore she didn't believe in any religions. She
did think people could take bits and pieces of religious theology and apply it to their lives, so
as long as they didn't hurt anyone else with what they practiced. She felt that some people
needed religion to cope with their lives and the reality that they were all alone, and she could
see why they'd cling hard to it. Did God create man or did man need to create God? She
strongly believed the second choice.

RiRi had the tendency to make people believe she wasn't as smart as she was. People saw her
sexual history and that she was a model, who are thought to be complete idiots, and that she
had a GED and they immediately thought dumb ho. Truth was she was about as read up as
anyone I knew. She loved to read all kinds of literature, not just feminist theory either. She
read the classics from the canon but said she refused to make her library all dead, white,
Europeans, so she made sure to read from all kinds of minorities like homosexual, black,
hispanic, and native writers.

She was already a beautiful girl but this made her so much more beautiful to me as a person.
She had been through a lot of things in life and maybe she wasn't a finished product yet, but
she really had been a breath of fresh air in my life. Maybe even more than Carter, Rihanna
had impacted me unlike anyone else. I thought like her, dressed like her, and wanted to be like
her. She hated feeling like she was converting me over to the dark side but there was nothing
she could do about it. I loved her little spunky mind. There was only one thing about her that I
truly didn't like.

She hated men, even though she never flat out said it. She'd say other things that she didn't
think I picked up on that made me believe it. One time when we were talking about children
she said she didn't want to have a son. She said she didn't want to raise a man because she
would be unable to. Her mistrust of men past the bedroom had her feeling like she'd
subconsciously hate her very own seed if it turned out to have a penis. And the more I
watched her the more I accepted that she really did have unhealthy images of men.

She thought men were solely responsible for rape culture and that male privaledge prevented
the majority of them to ever being able to sympathize with the plights of women. She could
befeind a male, mostly ghay ones, and she truly loved having sex with men, but she still hated
them. Just like men that could f*ck a chick but still have a hatred of her. Hate wasn't as simple
as dislike. It was far more obtuse than that. I didn't even began to understand hatred until my
fling with Wiz. I hated feeling like I was lower than dirt. But I was addicted to feeding the
feeling. Giving my self worth away for cheap thrills and a truly unworthy man. But the hatred
I felt wasn't towards Wiz. I didn't hate him at all. I was dealing with self hatred.

And although all hatred was the same when boiled down to it's bare minimum, I knew me and
Rihanna were dealing with different sets of circumstances for why we had hate in our heart.

She wanted another tattoo so I went with her to the parlor one Saturday. I had thought about
getting a tattoo before but deciding against it because Carter had made a comment one time
about not liking women who had them. He called most of them tramp stamps. Carter loved a
natural body. No piercings or marks to take away from the natural beauty of the body. I
respected that, Rihanna didn't. Not because she didn't think the body was beautiful but
because she didn't like me not doing something because of a mans opinion. She said it wasn't
up for him to decide, it was my decision and my body. And maybe that was what separated
me from her. She loved herself enough to not let anyone dictate what she did with her body,
even if it included sleeping around or cutting herself. I, on the other hand, would let the men
decide what to do with mine.
When Rih got the new tat, a small music note on her ankle, we left to go buy me a new
suitcase for my upcoming trip with Carter. She went on and on about her love for tats and the
culture of body art and that one day I should treat myself to a memorable piece of body art,
even if it wasn't a tattoo. I did want one, but I never thought it was serious enough to get it
and then alienate the person I was in love with. I wanted that man to love every single part of
my body. I'd hate for him to look at any part of me and not find beauty. We hadn't been able
to have much sex since we became a couple on the low again, but we were planning to go to
Orlando for a week.

It started after I teased him for being so boring when it came to going out.

"Why we always gotta go somewhere eloquent and sophisticated?"

"You don't like my choice of entertainment?"

"I do. Don't misunderstand, I do. But why ALWAYS seem to do something mature. I am 20,
for goodness sake. I like fun stuff too. Like why can't we go play laser tag or go cart riding or
to see some low-brow gore movie like Hostel or something?"

He laughed, "The hell I look like playing laser tag?"

"See. You don't even care about doing something I wanna do".

"I do" he laughed.

"Yeah, yeah. I mean, I like the stuff you like too. But not every single time. I want you to
relax sometimes and just not be afraid to laugh at yourself. Do something goofy and don't
worry about how you look".

"So you think I'm boring, huh?"

"Yeah" I laughed, "But I'm boring too so don't worry. I just wanna have a lil goofy fun
sometimes".

"We can do that, Bee. Just let me know what you wanna do".

"It gotta be in a different city though, right?"

"Yep. Can't risk having your little yougin' friends like Wallace running into us".

"Wallace? Your insecure ass" I giggled, "I don't know anything to do in any other cities,
though".

"You ever been to Disney?" he asked.

"No".

He laughed hard, "You ain't never been to Disney for real? I thought everyone has at some
point".

"Well why don't you take me?"

"When you trying to go?"

"As soon as possible. We haven't had much time to ourselves" I said.

"Well Bee it ain't like I can just up and leave. I have a daughter".

"I know Shawn. Geeze, I'm not oblivious to it. That's why I said as soon as possible".

We ended up talking about something else, but he brought up our proposed trip by the end of
our phone conversation.

"Let me handle the trip plans. I have an idea" he said.

Turned out Shaun had befriended a girl from her school and had been wanting to spend the
night over her house for a weekend. Carter met with the girls parents and they worked it out
so that Shaun could stay with them for a week while Carter went away on "business". Carter
canceled class for that week and had his students do a reading assignment. I was shocked how
fast he has put this all together but just too damn excited that we were about to go on another
trip. Sure I had classes but missing a week wouldn't kill me.

Even though no one was suppose to know that me and Carter were together I couldn't resist
telling Rihanna every single detail. She thought it was hot. She didn't necessarily think Carter
was hot, in fact she called him ugly right to my face. But she said at least he made up for it by
being good in bed and acting as a good fantasy. She said when I would tell our sex stories she
would just replace him in her mind for Blaire Underwood or someone.

As we shopped for a suitcase I couldn't contain my excitement. I was so looking forward to an

entire week of enjoying Orlando with my boo. He said he was getting tickets for Sea World,
Disney World, and Universal Studios and we would be staying at one of the on site Hotels. He
even let me pick which one. I looked at the different choices they had online and ended up
choosing the Hard Rock Cafe, since they played music underwater in the heated pools. It just
seemed fun and different from the luxurious places we stayed at any other time we had a trip
together.

I had read that Disney didn't have many roller coasters and I loved high thrill rides so I
decided I wanted for us to stay at Universal. Carter wasn't very fond of coasters and had it in
his head that he wasn't going to ride any but I knew better. I knew I had this man whipped. I
knew how to get him to go along with what I wanted. I'd just have to really put it on him
whenever we had our alone time in the bedroom.

Rihanna said she was jealous of how Carter pampered me. I had to admit, it was true and one
of those perks that I didn't even expect came with the package. Carter had money. He would
never tell me directly how much he was sitting on, but aside from his teacher salary, I knew
he invested in the stock market and had a lot in savings. He took whatever money his father
left him and flipped it. He did tell me one time that he rented out places in New York, and his
sister overlooked that business. I didn't want to seem like a gold digger but shit. A man with
the mind to and determination to make money was extremely sexy. A man that didn't worry
for money was sexy. He wanted the best for himself and the people he loved. And he spoiled
me rotten whenever I gave him the chance.

He would have continued paying my half of the rent if I would have let him. Hell he would
have paid all of my expenses, but I didn't let him do all that. Maybe it was the independent
girl in me, but I never liked to feel like he owned me. I mean, I was glad to be his woman, but
I didn't want to be his property. If he paid all of my expenses and then I got use to that and
stopped working, then what would happen if he stopped? I'd be assed out. And I couldn't take
that risk. Our relationship was good and all but there was nothing so solid about it that made
me feel comfortable enough to just let him handle everything. I still wanted to be my own
woman. It would have been hard to do that when I didn't have any money but what he gave
me.

But shit, he did give me some money to go shopping for the trip and I did. I got me a new
bathing suit and a new suitcase and then put the rest of it in my savings. I figured I wouldn't
buy too much because I knew he would have his wallet out once we were in Orlando. I had
already made him promise me we'd take a day to go shopping.

So yeah, I had it good and Rihanna saw it for what it was worth. She joked that I had it too
good. Then she suggested I give up the booty on our trip.

"I already will be giving him some" I said, not catching immediately what she meant.

"No. I mean give up the ASS. Surprise him at the end of the trip. It will be a good Thank You
gift for him" she smiled.

"Damn. I had forgot all about that. That's a good idea though. He wouldn't even expect it.
Damn" I said.

"Did you ever buy any toys to get you ready?"

"No. I kind of just forgot about it" I said.

"Wanna go to the toy store on our way home?" she asked.

I nodded. And off we went to find some toys that would get me ready for some extra freaky
sex for our trip. I was kind of nervous to be in a place like that but Rihanna walked in the joint
like it was Toys-R-Us or something. I walked in right behind her after making sure no one
saw me. I was greeted with fake penises and porn EVERYWHERE. I ain't never seent' no shat
like that before.
Walls of porn, walls of dildos, and walls of other miscellaneous items all related to sex.
Rihanna was in heaven but I was sure if it existed, we would wind up in hell for visiting such
a place. It wasn't even sexually stimulating, it was just goofy having sex all out in the open
like this. People just browsing like they were at the Flea Market. It was too much. I laughed
and Rihanna grabbed my hand to pull me all the way inside. She led me straight to the sex
that had these things called butt plugs. She kept talking about them and I didn't even know
what they looked like, but they sounded painful. I wasn't sure about anything that was
suppose to plug up an exit.

"Rih. Are you sure about these things?" I whispered. I didn't know why I was whispering, but
I did. This was embarrassing.

"Yeah. And why are you whispering. Be proud girl. Be proud of your BUTT PLUGS" she
said rather loudly, which caused for customers to look our way.

She looked at me evilly as I blushed. She could be the devil sometimes. When we got to the
aisle that contained these things I frowned up my face. They looked weird. There were all
kinds of them, different shapes and sizes and colors. The smaller ones looked like pacifiers
gone wrong while the bigger ones looked like Rhino horns.

"Why do I need these anyway?" I whispered.

"They are gonna open you up. Relax your Sphincter muscles. You said this teacher man is a
pretty decent size so you might have a little trouble getting him in at first. Must couples give
up when he doesn't fit. They don't realize an asshole is pose to be tight, so of course he ain't
gon fit at first. Gotta let the muscles relax. That's where these come into play" she said.

I looked at the wall wearily. Just looking at these things that were suppose to go in me. I
couldn't see it happening.
"Why not just use a dildo?" I asked.

"We are gonna get you one of those too. But you don't try with a dildo. It would hurt too
much. You need the plugs to open you up. Trust me girl, I know what I'm doing. And the
plugs don't even hurt. You feel pressure, but after they are in for a minute it's nothing".

"How long I gotta keep this in?"

"The day that you do it. Try keeping it in for like an hour right before you do it. Then use a lot
of lube and you'll be good to go. Just make sure he is gentle and stuff".

It was like I was a virgin all over again. This shit sounded scary, but I also couldn't help
feeling excited. I did want to try it. I did want to surprise him. And if I didn't like it then I was
sure he would be ok with stopping. I sighed and started taking down boxes to pick one out. I
ended up choosing one of the classic brands because it was simple and not too big. Just right
for a beginner the box said.

Next thing we did was pick out a dildo for me. Rih told me she had four of them at her crib.
She also had a vibrator. She called them her best friends. Apparently they had become that
since she went on this sex strike. I got a plain one that was 6 inches long. I didn't want
anything too big. Anything big in toy form intimidated me. I wanted beginner everything. We
got some lube to go with it and were all set to leave when I noticed some lingerie over in the
corner. I HAD to go look at what they had.

Rihanna laughed at me. Said she wasn't surprised I was looking to make a fashion statement
instead of just preparing to take that dick but I laughed it off. I wanted to feel sexy too. I
wanted this whole experience to be something I felt like I had control over. And I thought I
could feel more in control if I dressed up. I ended up purchasing a black fishnet body stocking
with the back out. It came with panties but I wouldn't even wear them when the time came.
Boy I was going to really surprise Carter with all of this and I could hardly wait.

"You must really love him, Bee" she said as she drove.

"I do" I sighed while closing my eyes, "I love that nigga so much".

"Crazy how love can have you doing shit you never thought you'd do" she responded.

"Yeah" I said, "Cuz ain't no way in hell I thought I'd have some booty stoppers in my ass".

We laughed.

"Tell me all about your trip when you get back, aight?" she said.

"Oh I will. Every juicy detail. I promise" I grinned.

She smiled and continued driving. It had started sprinkling outside as the sun began setting.
We rode in silence as I listened to the rain drops hit the windshield. It had been a long day
with my best friend, just getting ready for an amazing week with the love of my life. I
remembered how depressed I was over the summer. I felt so different now. I felt happy. Truly
happy.
As we drove I noticed Rih would glance at me out of the side of her eye every few minutes.
She had a stationary smirk on her face. And she bit her lip a few times too. If I didn't know
any better I would think she was checking me out.

"Why you keep lookin' ova here, nucca?" I asked jokingly.

She smiled even harder.

"Just looking at your glow, girl. You are a really beautiful girl, you know that? Like, you are
the one that should be the aspiring model. You're gorgeous".

She had complimented me many times before. She always referred to me as a bad b*tch or a
sexy chick. But I don't ever recall her looking at me with that smile and calling me gorgeous. I
blushed from her compliment and felt all tingly inside. Neither of us spoke another word as
the little drops of rain turned to heavy ones.

I felt a certain way for the remainder of our drive. It was the other remaining question I had
about myself. The question about my sexuality. The question I was unable to answer since I
would pretend the night between me and Rihanna never happened. But even if that night
wasn't real, the feeling I had were. And I tried my best to block them when I felt them, but the
fact that I had to block them meant something. It meant, I had feelings for her.

I couldn't really process them the way I wanted. Mostly because I still refused to accept that I
was anything other than straight. The thing was, I wasn't attracted to women. I knew I wasn't.
I could look at hundreds and hundreds of attractive women and recognize that they were
beautiful or cute or pretty. But I didn't feel any type of attraction to them. I didn't like pussy.
Didn't like titties. Didn't like anything that came in a feminine package. I loved a man. I loved
men, period.

But for some reason, the only woman I ever did feel some attraction to was Rih. And it wasn't
just physical. I was emotionally attracted to her. I felt safe with her. Safe in a way that I didn't
even feel with men sometimes. It was a frustrating feeling. And the fleeing emotions I had for
her would make me second guess myself everytime they came. If I was bisexual, wouldn't
that mean I wanted to have sex with women? But I didn't want to have sex with women. I
didn't even really desire to have sex with Rih. But I did have feelings for her. The type of
feelings I felt when I had a crush on a guy. Maybe that's what it was. A crush. Maybe I was
infatuated with her. Her beauty and her sensual presence and how she made me feel about
myself. But did having a crush on a woman mean I liked women? I couldn't answer that. And
it really bothered me, especially at times like these.

"You wanna come to my crib or am I taking you home?" she asked as we were nearing her
apartment.

"Ima go home and pack. But I will call you later tonight" I said.

She drove me home and we hugged like we usually did. But I didn't feel so usual. I felt funny.
And I wondered if maybe she felt the same way.

**

Although I didn't quite have a handle on my crush (which is what I labeled it for the moment)
on my best friend I did know I would not let it interfere with my love. I loved Carter and there
wasn't a doubt in my body regarding that. I would not do anything to jeopardize what we had,
including indulging in whatever phase I was going through regarding the crush. I eventually
totally got rid of those thoughts and got ready for my trip.

Carter squared everything on his end and Sunday night he picked me up so we could catch a
plane to Orlando. Even though we knew it was a risk that we could be spotted at the theme
park by someone from the school we didn't think it was likely because school was in session
and midterms were coming up. This was a risk we were willing to take and I guess he wanted
to prove he could let his hair down, so to speak, and just live life.

"You worried about Shaun?" I asked when we were on the plane.

"Yeah. And I feel bad because I don't wanna be worrying. This is suppose to be me and you
time".

"Babe you know I understand. If she has to call you every five minutes I'm cool with that".

"Ima be the one calling her every five minutes" he joked.

"Aww. Look at daddy Carter".

"It ain't even that. I just don't know them people like that. I mean they were cool and all and
Shaun said she liked being over there. But I still don't know them. You better be lucky I love
you, Bee" he said.

"Why you say that?"

"I can't think of any other reason where I'd leave my child for a week with her friends folks".

"Do you think it's going to be difficult for you to enjoy yourself? Cuz you're feeling bad about
what you did?" I asked.

He held my hand.

"Shaun is mature. She seemed excited about staying with them for a week. So as long as I can
sense she is still cool with being over there. Then I'll be fine".

"I totally understand if we have to leave early, ok?" I said to him. I wanted him to understand
that I had her best interest at heart too. And if push came to shove we could leave early.

I was hoping it didn't come to that though. I had anticipated this ever since he mentioned the
possibility of us going on a trip and getting away. I didn't want anything to ruin our
togetherness. We checked into the Hard Rock Hotel and as soon as we were inside the room
we made love.
I felt so good to finally have him in a bed and where we could take our time and just enjoy
each other with no interruptions. We kissed for a long time too, that's what really made it
special for me. We kissed like young lovers lost in each others love for the first time.

The next morning we got up good and early so we could really start the vacation and it was
the day I asked to be my shopping day. We got on International Drive, which was 15 miles of
shops and restaurants and and just drove around for awhile looking at all the different things
we could do. I had him stop for ice cream even though it wasn't even noon yet. It was still hot
outside. I got a huge waffle cone with Chocolate and Vanilla Swirl while he thought he was
too good to be eating ice cream this early. But he tricked me because he was eating off my
cone the second the dude at the counter handed it to him.

"Why you just ain't get your own cone?" I barked at him.

"Cuz I wanted your ice cream" he smiled.

He was trying to play. And I guess I had to like it since I was the one that challenged him and
said he was boring. So I decided to play. I smushed some of the cone in his face as we sat on
the bench. I laughed right in his face when I did it too.
He just sat there at first, like did she really just do this shit? I laughed some more and then
licked some off of his cheek, giving him my innocent girl eyes after I was done. He laughed,
and we continued to share the cone. I thought he maybe had let it go, but I should have known
better. He was going to get me back.

We went to one of those outlet malls and it was PACKED even for a weekday. I couldn't
believe how many people were here. It took a good 15 minutes for us to even find a parking
space and when we did he had to speed that rental into it's spot so someone else couldn't get it.
I never knew men to be the type to shop until I met Carter. He loved it just as much as I did
and had no problem being patient with me as I tried on different shoes or outfits. He just
wanted me to be patient with him as he tried on things. He bought a pair of Jordans and some
sunglasses at the Nike store and I got me a pair of Nikes too.

We ended up in Victoria Secret where they were having a lot of big sales. I tried on lotion, let
him smell, he'd suggest some panties and slide off some sleazy remark in my ear which had
me cracking up. Little did he know, he would be getting some freak action later on. I just had
that planned for the end of our trip.

We pigged out just like we always did when we traveled. I had a Pizza Pretzel and he had a a
Hot Dog Pretzel. For the rest of early part of the day we shopped, brought the bags back to the
car and shopped some more. A girls best day ever, right? Well tell me why did the negro trip
me on purpose as we walked down a sidewalk. He put his foot out as I took a step, yanked it
up once he had me hooked and I went tumbling. I would have fell face first if he wouldn't
have caught me. And he better had been glad he caught me. Even still, it was time to fight.
We play fought right on the sidewalk as other tourist either watched or tried their best to
ignore our childishness. I didn't care that some were turning their nose at us. And I was glad
he didn't care either. I loved seeing him be able to prove he could be goofy and not always be
Mr. cool. Stop being Mr. Carter for once and start being Shawn.

Little did I know, theme parks really would bring out Shawn. No more Mr. Cool. Not even
close.

Disney was all about taking pictures with movie characters and enjoying the shops. The rides
weren't all that thrilling though, I remembered the fair back in Houston had more exhilarating
experiences. Seaworld was fun, really fun matter of fact, because I loved watching the
Dolphin and Whale shows. But it wasn't until the tail end of the week when we went to
Universal Studios that I got to see the b*tch that was Shawn Carter. My man, was a straight
up pussy and it was hilarious.

"Babe, come on" I begged him as we looked at The Hulk, a rollercoaster that shot you up like
a rocket into a loop.
"Bee I told you. I don't do roller coasters" he complained.

"Baby...come on. For me?" I asked, holding his hand and staring into his eyes, all in his face.

Our lips were close nearly brushing against each other. I pouted and saw immediately it was
working. Too muthaf*cking easy.

"Beyonce" he sighed.

"I promise everything will be fine" I smiled.

I grabbed his hand and led him past the express line. He looked uncomfortable the entire time.
The line led underneath the coaster so you could hear it on top of you. You could hear all of
the screams and roar of the coaster as it shot up. Carter kept looking up and around the place.
I put my hand on his chest and it was thumping. I laughed.

"You are really scared aren't you?"

"I told you. I don't do coasters".

"But you're doing it for me?" I smiled.

"I'm doing it for you" he repeated with a sigh.

I came into him and kissed him softly. He ain't even kiss back though. His ass really was
scared. I remembered how Chris and I had jumped out of an airplane. Carter would have been
crying tears if he was up there. My poor baby. Afraid of a little roller coaster. I soon found out
there was nothing little about this coaster, though. When it shot up, I literally felt my stomach
drop. The first five seconds of that thing was crazy scary. Once I regained my own composure
I tried to look over towards my man who I heard screaming for dear life. He was squeezing
my hand like he was in labor. His big ass hand was destroying mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsjdYQJc748

When the ride came to a stop I was finally able to look at him. The ride was too bumpy while
in flight to get a look. I swear I saw a tear in his eye. When we got off he was huffing and
puffing and could barely walk straight. I was dizzy too but I still found it just too funny to see
him so shaken up.

"Aww, babe" I teased.

"I'm done" he said.

I laughed, "Done what?"

"No more of this shit for me. I'm only doing the kiddie rides" he said, oh so serious.

"But we just got here" I smirked.

"You can ride all of the coasters you want, Bee. But I am done" he said.

He was still complaining and whining when I simply grabbed his hand, put his fingers in mine
and kissed him softly. I kissed his hands as he complained for another few minutes.

"I thought I was going to die, Beyonce. No like for real. Die" he said.

"It really wasn't all that bad, you big baby".

"Bee, I swear to you. I don't see how yall enjoy that kind of shit" he said, finally cracking a
smile.

"You just don't like taking risk".

"I'm taking a risk being here with you, ain't I?" he smiled.

We held hands and went to watch a few of the shows so he could get over the near death
experience of a 1 minute long roller coaster. Fortunately for us, Universal had two parks with
a lot of fun rides that weren't roller coasters. There was a Spiderman ride that was 3-D and my
favorite ride there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcvaX2ZsHEY&feature=channel_video_title

Carter and I rode it three times. And then a really neat Jurassic Park water ride that got us
soaked. Carter liked the Terminator 3:D show the most, we sat through it twice. I tricked him
into riding The Mummy, saying it wasn't a roller coaster when it really was. But he said he
actually liked that one because it was inside and didn't have any loops. It was more of a show
than it was a roller coaster.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydJ1M13rRYE&feature=channel_video_title

When we were done with The Mummy we sat and watched the "fake" Blues Brothers perform
in a old school New Orleans style concert. Carter liked this as well. He said his father listened
to music like this. We even danced amongst the people which was cute. I didn't know the man
had moves. Of course he wasn't stankey-leggin' it out there or anything but he had rhythm. He
twirled me around at one point which got me all dizzy and made me throw up all of that food
I had ate earlier. We had a huge breakfast that morning.

it didn't stop me from getting a Turkey Leg about 30 minutes later before we rode the
Simpsons, another simulating ride.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8hThid_BTI

I didn't realize how tiring being at the parks could be. My feet were completely gone by the
end of the day. I was so tired that when we got back to the hotel room I went right to sleep
while Carter checked up on his not-so- little- girl. We decided to go out to dinner that night at
a Japanese Steak Restaurant which was far different from the theme park bullshit we had been
eating on the majority of the week. What made it even more cool was they cooked your food
right at your table.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJvpUblXTqo

We held hands as this happened and one of the chefs asked if we were married. I swear the
biggest smile crept across my face when Carter answered that we were. He got some great
loving that night, I swear. One night we went to a jazz club which was fun because I finally
got a chance to dance with Carter on a dance floor. It was a very grown and sexy spot and we
dressed for the occasion. We sipped wine and listened to good music and just enoyed the vibe
and poetry of our bodies in motion.

I always usually wanted privacy around Carter when I was doing something less than
attractive. If I had to use the bathroom or if I had to do my hair or get dress, I would lock the
bathroom door. But for whatever reason, I didn't even do those things in our trip. I left the
door open when I used tinkled and just got dressed butt naked. He liked this, because to him it
meant we were becoming closer. I guess he thought that way when he pooted and tried to hold
me under the covers one one the second to last night of the trip.

Everything had been amazing so far. About as magical as I could have ever hoped for a trip to
be. Lots of food. Lots of sex. Lots of romance. And no interruptions. Shaun barely even called
him and when she did, I presumed it was because he made her check in. I would guess that
she was having fun with her friend and wasn't worried about her daddy. I was happy, cuz that
just meant I could borrow him from her for the week. On Sunday, the last day of our trip I got
kind of sad. I didn't want to go back. Carter picked up on it.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked as he lazily lodged around the heated hotel swimming
pool.

"I don't wanna leave" I pouted.

"Seems like we just got here don't it?" he asked, looking down at me as I stood between his
legs.

I nodded and realized I could give him some great head right there. There were little kids
splashing about though so that wouldn't work.

"Have you had fun?" he asked me.

"Funnest week I've ever had, bae".

"Ditto that for me" he smiled.

"Bae?" I asked.

"Sup?"

"Why you don't call me any pet names?"

He laughed, "What you mean?"

"I call you baby. Babe. Bae. Sweety. Hell I even call you Vicky sometimes. Only thing you
ever call me is Bee or Miss Knowles".

"What's wrong with Bee?"

"Everyone calls me that. You gotta give me something special. You gotta name me" I whined.

"You want me to name you?" he asked, lifting up his sunglasses.

I smiled playfully and nodded.

"Aight. BoopyKinz" he said.

"What?!"

"That's my pet name for you. BoopyKinz" he said.

"Boopy what?"

"Kinz"

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know. But it sounds cute".

"Shawn Carter. That is the ugliest thing I have ever heard" I barked.

"Who cares. It's my term of endearment for you now".

I pouted some more and he jumped in the pool with me. We were kissing but I remained
pouting.

"I no wanna have a ugly name" I said all baby-like.

"Your name is already ugly. Kinda name is Beyonce" he laughed.

"What kind of boring name is Shawn?" I said.

"My name is fine. Beyonce Giselle, though? Ugleee" he teased.

Ok, so it was like that. He wanted to crack jokes.

"Well at least I don't have a ugly mug" I said.

"So you think i'm ugly?" he asked.

Oh lord. Here comes the sensitivity.

"No"

"Then why you just said I'm ugly?"

"Why you said my name ugly?"

"Cuz I think it's ugly. You think im ugly though, for real?"

"Shawn, you know I am joking".

He simply looked at me turned around and got out of the water. I couldn't believe it. He really
took that as more than a joke? I hurriedly got out of the pool to catch him because I refused to
let the last day of our trip go bad because of a damn joke. Why would I be with him if I
thought he was ugly? When i reached him he turned around with the widest grin on his face.

"So you wanna call a nigga ugly, huh?" he said before picking me up and throwing me over
his shoulder. I was shocked by how swiftly he scooped my ass up and even more surprised
when I went back first into the water. It was on again. We wrestled in the water, out splashing
the little kids that were on the other end of the pool. And when I could tell the kids were
getting annoyed watching two grown ass people play fighting in the water, we got out and
tried to figure out what we'd do for the rest of the day. He suggested we go to Disney one
more time so we could see the fireworks that we missed the first time.

I already had my plans for the evening activities but since we'd be out I had to prep before
hand. After we left the pool I went and showered but I brought my bag in with me. The bag
that contained that little plug I was suppose to insert in my ass for a few hours to get in open
and ready. I had practiced using it earlier and it didn't hurt at all. It just felt weird. I had only
left it in for a few minutes before taking it out. I looked in the mirror to see if my bootyhole
got any larger. I didn't notice a difference so I figured I'd have to keep it in much longer the
next time I used it.

It was around 6 so I wouldn't be able to eat anything until after Carter and I had sex. That was
how Rihanna told me to do it to be on the safe side. I pooped and then showered and cleaned
myself thoroughly. I then gave myself an Enema to make sure I was super rinsed and then put
the little butt plug in. It felt so weird that I almost took it right back out.

"What's taking you so long Bee? I gotta shower too. And why the door locked anyway?" he
screamed.

I decided to not mess around any longer. I left the plug in, put on my panties and wrapped a
towel around my waist. He didn't even pay me much attention when he went into the
bathroom to shower. I got dressed with the plug still in and laughed because it felt really
weird. I didn't know if I'd be able to go a few hours with this thing in me. It felt too
noticeable. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything other than the pressure in my
bootyhole.

I ended up texting Rihanna as my man showered.

Sent 6:25 PM: How do u leave this shit in for so long?

Received 6:27 PM: the butt plug?

Sent 6:28 PM: yea

Received 6:29 PM: well it feels good to me...makes me feel naughty...u dont feel naughty?

Sent 6:31 PM: I feel like a dumbass

Received 6:32 PM: lol...u still gonna let him dig in dat azz?

Sent 6:33 PM: ima try....but idk how long i can keep this in

Received 6:34 PM: stop ur in' and enjoy it...

Sent 6:35 PM: yea yea yea...call u wen i get home 2morrow, aight?

Received 6:36 PM: ok booboo...have fun lol

When Carter came out we went to Disney just for the firework show. It was so romantic
looking out at the Princess castle while he held me in his arms with his hands caressing my
tummy. As the fireworks and the music played, I thought about the unborn baby. The baby
that I lost. Carters baby. I wondered how old he or she would have been now. I wondered if
the baby would have brought Carter and I together or kept us apart. I wondered if Rosario
would have accepted me if she had known about the pregnancy. Or would Shaun accept the
baby as her sibling. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head and I teared up.

"You ok boopykinz?" he whispered in my ear.

I couldn't help but smile even though the tears were still in my eyes.

"Don't call me that" I whined.

He held me closer and we continued to watch the magic above our heads. I realized that
sooner or later I was going to have to tell Carter about the miscarriage. He deserved to know.

I had managed to forget that I even had that butt plug in my ass during our time at Disney but
noticed it when we were driving back to the hotel. It had a flat bottom so it didn't hurt or
anything when I sat down but I could feel it pushing up against my cheeks. And anytime we
hit a bump on the road I felt the plug tighten it's hold up my canal. I had to admit, it did feel
kind of erotic. Naughty even. I wondered what it would feel like when I finally removed it.

Getting back to the hotel made me feel so nervous. Carter was tired, I could tell. He looked
like he was going to skip the sex and just go right to sleep. I was tired too, but I hadn't done
all of this prep for this to not go down. He was going to f*ck me in my ass, and that was that,
I thought as he sleepily laid on the bed and called his daughter.

I went into the bathroom to check and see if the plug had made a difference. I took it out and
immediately felt air fill my booty. It felt open. I turned around and tried to see from the mirror
but I couldn't really tell. I went in my purse and pulled out my makeup mirror and when I
checked, sure enough. My booty had puckered up like a fish's mouth. It was interesting to
look at. It didn't hurt at all. It just looked funny. I ended up showering again just to be safe
and emerged from the bathroom to find Carter sleeping on the bed with his shoes still on. Oh
no he didn't.
"Wake up. Go shower" I said to him.

He didn't budge. I shook him and he opened one eye.

"I'm exhausted Bee" he said.

"I don't want you stank in the bed. Go shower. Now" I demanded.

He gave me a second look and saw that I was serious. He chuckled to himself and got his lazy
ass up so he could get clean. I took that time to slip into the full body fishnet stocking I
bought. The room was cold and slipping into the thin material was strangely intense. I felt
really turned on by now. This was something new that I was trying. Not only trying to be sexy
by dressing for sex, but allowing him to enter where the sun never shined.

I lotioned myself up good, putting a little extra in my butt and then dimmed the lights. I didn't
make it too dark because I wanted him to be able to see what I was offering. I got on the bed
and had my back turned towards the bathroom so as soon as he walked into the room he
would see nothing but a winking ass staring at him.

His shower didn't last long at all. Maybe 15 minutes, and he was walking out. This was it. I
scooted my back out and used my head to spread one of my cheeks so that there would be no
mistaken which hole I wanted his full attention on. I wish I could have saw his reaction when
he saw me laying there but I definitively heard it.

"Wow".

He walked over and after looking me over bent down to kiss my face. He rubbed all over my
body, starting from my chest and down to my exposed pussy. But didn't he realize? That
wasn't where I wanted him to be tonight. I moved his hand from my crotch and put it on my
ass cheek. Then I smiled at him.

"Here".

I looked in his eyes and they lit the hell up. Lit the whole room up. He was now looking at my
asshole like it was an everlasting Gobstopper, word to my ex Chris.

"You want it in your ass?" he asked uneasily.

I nodded while biting my lip. Then I brought him close to me and licked his ear lobe before
whispering.

"Is this what you want? Mr.Carter? My ass?"

Let's just say he answered that question in a major way that night. He tore my booboo maker
up!

**

There were signs all over that I just never picked up on. Signs that Carter was waiting for me
to be as honest with him as he had been with me. And I wanted to be honest to him. I loved
the man so much. But honesty was hard. Revealing parts of yourself that no eye should see
was difficult. Carter wanted a virginal woman. He wanted someone that didn't sleep around
and only gave their body to the people they loved. That woman, as much as I wanted it to be,
wasn't me.

I had done some things I wasn't proud of. I didn't want him to know about that because I
didn't think it should matter. What mattered was I was his woman now and what I did in the
past was the past. That's what should have mattered.

The Florida Classic was a huge showdown between rival schools. It was a football game
always played in Orlando between FAMU and Bethune. I had skipped each meeting in the
past but with it being my senior year I figured I had to go this time around.

Carter couldn't make it but he said he thought it would be best if I went with friends anyway. I
went with Michelle, Jarvis, Tip, and one of Michelle's friends from her class, the one I saw
her with in the Porta-Potty at my party. FAM always brought a bus full of students to the
game but the downside to that was you had to stay in their designated hotel and it was far
from all of the clubs and everything. We decided to get our on rooms. I roomed with Michelle
and her friend and Jarvis and Tip roomed together with Smurf. My mind wondered for a split
second about that arrangement but I didn't even let it get that far. Yuck. I didn't even want to
think about it.

The football game always took a backseat to everthing else about the event. People only came
down here to watch the bands battle it out and to get buck wild. There was always some crazy
story about some girl getting a train rain on her or two guys being exposed for f*cking
around. I knew Carter would keep tabs on me so I made sure I wasn't going to do anything
even remotely crazy that could get back to him. I went to the club and everything but didn't
even drink. Just chilled and watched everyone else go crazy.

It was November now and the night air was chilly but girls were out here with barely any
clothes on at all. I was dressed conservatively, even more so than Michelle which really
proved I was trying not to get in any trouble. Carter called me while I was at the club and
when I answered Tip was saying something to me at the same time. Carter asked was Tip
around me and of course I told him the truth. He got quiet at first and then said he would talk
to me later. I didn't even know what that was about.

Carter started acting weird after that night. I tried to talk to him about it but he'd always brush
it off or say I was imagining the disconnect. I really wanted us to work out this time around. I
wasn't trying to have anything come between us again. But maybe that was my own fault. I
was so worried about not hurting us, that I didn't reveal things that should have been revealed.
And I knew who I was messing with. The master of snooping and stalking. The man that
could find out what I had for breakfast if he put his mind to it. The son of a former drug
dealer. That guy. I knew him and I still didn't see it coming.

We were going 3 months strong when he brought me to a restaurant right before Christmas.
Things between us seemed normal. We were having good sex. We were communicating well.
We were constantly talking about the future out our relationship. But this particular night he
seemed to be distant, like he was the night he called me in Orlando. I called him out on it. He
downplayed it and I got mad. He always talked about being honest, but now he wasn't being
truthful when it came to how he was feeling. Something was wrong and he wouldn't tell me.

On our way home he turned down the music that had been playing. He finally had something
to say.

"Bee. Do you love me?"

I looked at him, "Yes I love you. You know that".

"You wouldn't lie to me, right?" he asked.

I started to feel all kinds of uncomfortable. My head told me he had found out something
about me. Now he was trying to catch me in some sort of lie. I hated when people did this. I
knew I was in trouble. But I didn't know what he had on me.

"Shawn, what's wrong? What did I do?"

"Answer my question. Would you lie to me? Repeatedly lie to me?"

I felt horrible. I knew this was going to turn into something. I didn't say anything.

"How many people have you slept with, Bee? 2, right?" he asked.

I didn't answer. I just teared up. What had he found out? I turned my head to look out the
window but he yelled.

"No. You look at me. You only been with 2 people...right?"

I couldn't lie to him about it. He obviously knew the truth. I just decided to confess.

"No. No Shawn. I lied about my number".

He nodded and laughed to himself. I just prepared for a huge outburst of emotion from him.
Things were going so well between us. Why, why, why was this happening. Why didn't I just
tell him from the get go that there were others. Damn, Rihanna. Why had she told me to lie
about my number of partners.

"That ain't all you kept from me, is it" he said, staring at me as if he was disgusted by what he
saw.

"Where is all of this coming from?" I asked, teary eyed.

"You aborted my child?" he said, his voice breaking up.

"No" I answered immediately.

"No?" he yelled at me.

"Shawn, No. I never got an abortion".

"But you were pregnant?" he asked.

"Yes" I cried, the tears now coming down.

How did he know all of these things? How in the hell?

"And that ain't it, is it" he said coldly, with the same look of disgust in his eyes.

I remained silent and waited for him to continue the assault of my heart.

"You dislike Shaun, huh?"

"What?" I asked.

"You hate my daughter. She's a demon seed, huh?" he asked.

And then it hit me. My poetry account. The 30 day challenge. The 30 poems I wrote in 30
days. He had somehow read them.

"You read my poems?" I barked.

"Why didn't you tell me you hated my child?"

"Shawn I don't hate her" I said.

He turned on his turning signal and pulled into a parking lot. He reached into his glove
compartment where he had printed pages up of all of my poems. He started reading. He read
what I said about hating the demon seed of my first love. Then he read my miscarriage poem
which was called "The desired abortion". He also read the poem I wrote about Tip not being
up to bar sexually. I was busted. And I was angry at him for having these private thoughts.

"How did you get these?" I yelled, "My account is private".

"I see why it is. I got into your account since you had something to hide. And Beyonce, you
don't have any room to be yappin about privacy. You are talking about hating my daughter
and wanting an abortion".

"Shawn. That is POETRY. I wrote them years ago. At the lowest points of my life. I wrote
them so I wouldn't go crazy. Who did I have to talk to? Not your ass. So who could I vent my
frustrations to? I wrote 30 poems for 30 days about all kinds of random shit that i was going
through".

"Yet you couldn't tell me? Why the f*ck did you not tell me you were preganant, Beyonce?"

"How could I?" I said, balling now, "Your child had just moved in with you and Rosario was
there and you said you regretted me. I didn't know how to tell you. And when I miscarried, I
didn't see the point in telling you. When we went to Orlando I decided I was going to tell you
eventually-"

"Yeah right" he said bitterly, "Yeah f*cking right. You weren't going to tell me shit. You are a
liar".

"Shawn I am sorry. I'm sorry. I should have been honest about everything. But you have to
give me some type of benefit of the doubt. I was going to tell you in time. I just needed time.
We just got back together. I didn't wanna lose you over the past".

"What else have you kept from me?"

"Why did you snoop through my things, Shawn? Are you that insecure?"

"I have the right to be because of you. First you say you're not dealing with Tip and then
you're partying with him. I had every reason to question you. To question your love. To
question everything about you".

"You want the truth? Huh? Ok. Here is everything. I f*cked Tip and I f*cked another guy and
he gave me a STD. I got chlamydia this summer. I experimented with a girl. I hated myself all
summer for being so stupid. I disliked Shaun when she first came because you chose her over
me. I've since grown to love that girl because she not only reminds me of her beautyil mother
but because she is your daughter. When I had the miscarriage I was happy because then I
wouldn't have to tell you I was preganant. Ok. These are the things I have kept from you. But
I have been honest about everything else. I promise I have. I love you with all of my heart and
I am sorry for keeping these things from you".

"You are sorry you got caught?"

"No. I am mad that you went through my shit yet again. I'm mad at that. I'm mad at you not
trusting me. But I am sorry that I didn't tell you these things sooner. But all of this shit we can
still work on" I pleaded.

"I don't wanna work on shit with someone I don't know or trust. I don't know you Miss.
Knowles. And I don't think I ever did".

"You don't know me? What? All because I slept with 2 more dudes then I told you about and
didn't tell you I had a miscarriage? Now you don't know me?"

"I thought I had a real woman. A woman that was honest about herself and who she was.
You're not that woman, Bee. You're just a little girl playing little girl games. And I want you
to get the f*ck out of my car and go live your life away from me. I want you to know, I wish I
never met you. I wish I never started talking to you. My life would be so much better if you
never came into it. I'm sorry for ever putting trust into a person as selfish and fake as you. To
put it in simple terms. I hate you".

The tears that had starting falling blurred my vision. I felt light headed. This could not be
happening, all over again.

"You don't mean that" I said so weak .

His eyes didn't budge. I repeated myself "You don't mean that. You love me. I know you do. I
love you too" I said, pleading my case to a man that might as well had been a wall. He had
completely closed off himself from me. I got angry then.

"Shawn. If you do this to me. If you f*cking do this. Cut me off because of my mistakes.
Throw away all we have. If you do this. Don't you ever try to come back into my life ever
again".

"Get the f*ck out" he said.

The first time we broke up he offered to pay for a taxi to take me home. This time, he left me
on the side of the road. On the side of the road where anything could have happened to me.
Anything. Anything. Anything.

Chapter 30

I was happy when Michelle decided to come with me to Houston for Christmas
Break. She had mentioned over Spring Break our freshman year that she wanted
to visit my family at least once, so I figured she was trying to follow up on her
promise. Or maybe she just knew that I needed her. She was a very perceptive
girl. Extremely detailed in her observations. She always said she had a
photographic memory which served her well in what she wanted to do with her
life as a writer. And it was very likely that she noticed my change after Carter
broke up with me again.

The first time we broke up, I broke down. I cried. Locked myself in. And totally
self destructed by trying to use sex as a way to make me forget about him. This
time around, I was sad, angry even, but I didn't think I changed my routine. I
didn't lock myself up and away from the world, I wasn't walking around the
apartment teary eyed or anything. But even then, I can't fake having spirit. I can't
fake joy. And even as I tried to act like everything was fine, I could sense that she
knew I was going through another breakup.

I never told Michelle much about who I was dating. She didn't really even ask
anymore. After I had been reluctant to give her any real information regarding
who I was dating then I think she got the hint. She respected my privacy and just
let me be. I could tell it bothered her. When we came to school and decided to
get an apartment together, we both assumed we were going to become the best
of friends. We both had things in common, and got along well enough. But for
some reason, it just never came to that. The magical bond that most close
friends have just never materialized with us. Sure, we were cool enough to live
with each other, but at no point did I ever feel attached to her like I did Kelly
growing up or how I felt about Rihanna now.

Maybe she resented that. Maybe she resented that I had allowed some strange,
cutting, bisexual, crazy ass chick to become my best friend. Michelle had gained
a best friend, some girl that worked with her on the school paper, but I could
never really tell how close they were. I guess I never really paid much attention
to it. I guess it even took me awhile to notice that Michelle was battling with
eating disorders. She never volunteered the information but one week back in
September I noticed her eating all kinds of unhealthy things and then going to
the bathroom for long periods of time afterwards. I asked and she downplayed it
and even got annoyed. It figures. All of the times she asked me questions about
my private life, I never let her in. Why would she do the same with me?

She eventually did tell me though. She was getting help with it and her self
image. I thought she was a beautiful girl, but she never thought so. At some point
over the next few months, while I was rekindling the flame with Carter, she had
starting changing herself. First she experimented with different hair styles. She
had Kelly do her hair a few times. Then she got rid of her glasses and got
contacts. Next she started asking me where I did my shopping. Both Rihanna and
Carter had turned me on to shops outside of the city where I bought my clothes.
Every other college girl in Tally shopped at the Mall or Forever 21 and all ended
up looking like copies of each other. I had my own style. My own look. My own
secrets that kept me standing out from the crowd. Michelle wanted in so I took
her shopping one Saturday.

She couldn't afford much, but we started with a sexy black dress that we ended
up wearing to the Poetry club Chris use to take me to. She got hit on and she
liked it. I knew she did. After that, she was off. She didn't even need my help
anymore. She transformed her closet in just a few months. I think it helped her
gain some confident about herself, but out of nowhere she also started going out.
Michelle had never been someone that went out to clubs and things like that. The
few times she did, it was because I forced her to go. But after she brought sexy
back and a few guys started checking for her, she finally found herself with a
night life.

We didn't talk much about our sex lives, so I didn't ask if she was having sex, but
I figured she was close to. She even started missing a few church services on
Sunday mornings. With me and Carter broken up, I figured this would be a good
chance to get to know the new Michelle. Or get to know her at all. It's funny how
you could live with a person for going on four years and still not know them.

Kelly and Quenton were also headed to Houston for the holidays. Kelly wanted
him to spend time with her adoptive parents, since they didn't get a lot of time
getting to know him during the wedding. They decided to drive up there, but
Michelle and I took a plane. I used some leftover money Carter had given me to
purchase my ticket. All I could think about on the plane ride was how much I was
angry at him.

Sure, I was in the wrong. I was totally wrong for lying to him. But it wasn't like I
lied about everything, like he was trying to make it seem. I lied about a few
details of my sex life just because I knew he wouldn't understand. Men were so
judgmental about it. I knew if I would have told him I slept with 4 people he would
have become all insecure and upset. I knew he felt some sort of claim to me,
because he was my first. I knew he liked the virginal woman. I knew he had a
certain image of me. Beautiful, shy, reserved, and his. His identity was all over
me. From the passion marks he constantly left for the campus to see, to the
perfumes and clothes he bought me, to secret ways he had helped me out in my
academic endeavors. He was an inseparable part of my coming of age story.

But I knew it pained him that he wasn't the only part. There were other men. And
even one woman with her hand in the pot, stirring my emotions and helping to
shape how I was turning out. But could he really blame me for this? I never once
broke things off with him. He did both times. Did he just expect me to rot away
and swear off experiencing life until he was ready for me again?

That was why i told him in the car the last time we spoke to never come back if
he was cutting me off again. He knew how much my heart needed him. How
much I loved him. He knew these things. Yet he still chose to go about breaking
my damn heart all over again. And then he told me that he hated me. How could
the man tell me that he hated me? That hurt. Of everything I had experienced at
FAM, that was the most hurtful. I still hadn't digested it yet. Passionate love could
so suddenly turn into intense hate. Not just in the words in the air, but his actions
too.

Carter was overprotective of me any other day. He always was weary of me

being out alone or going to parties to anything like that. He is chivalrous to the
core. Even when he was mad at me for little things I did, he still always cared
enough to protect me from harm. But that night. The night he exposed a web of
lies I had spun, he told me to get out of his car and walk home in the middle of
the night. Maybe he really did hate me now. Only hate could have put me out of
that car in my stilettos, where I could have been mobbed or raped, or even
worse. I think maybe we both were showing our true colors.

He likely was never going to forgive me for lying to him about my sexual history
and never telling him about my miscarriage, but I don't think I would ever be able
to forget the disappointment in my heart when he told me to walk home. How
could I forgive that?

I didn't have to walk long. I walked into a store and called Rihanna who came to
get me. She went off on him when i told her the story. She told me I deserved so
much better and that he proved to me that night that he didn't love me. But I
couldn't accept her words. I couldn't accept the thought that Carter didn't love
me. She told me that if I didn't accept it, then I would be accepting the fact that I
didn't love myself. That stuck with me.

I was starting to hate Christmas. Everything bad seemed to happen around this
time. As a kid the Holidays were always my favorite time of the year. The gifts,
and family, and presents, and cheer. Now? Every Christmas carol reminded me of
my bleeding heart. Every Christmas Light reminded me of how Carter and me
had never spent a happy Christmas together. Even when I was with Chris, I felt
alone during the holidays. I felt like something was missing. My unborn child and
it's father.

I thought this Christmas was going to be different. Everything had been going so
well with us. Everything felt in place. I was completely in love. On December 4th,
for his 35th birthday , Shaun had spent the night over a friends house which
meant we had the entire day to spend together. I had multiple surprises for him
that day. It started with good morning head followed by breakfast in bed. I
pampered he did me. I bathed with him in the shower, but making sure to clean
him up with a wash clothe and my lips. I ironed his clothes for him and we kissed
at the door before he went to work.

I didn't have class that day so I stayed. I ended up snooping in Shaun's room for a
little bit, but felt guilty when I saw a picture of her mother sitting by her bed. I
looked long and hard at the picture. Rosario had been gone for a year now.
Shaun had been without her for a year. And in just 5 more months, Carter was
going to let Shaun know that we were dating. I felt guilty about it for some
reason. I tried to imagine my father dating another woman 17 months after my
mother passed. Sure, Carter and Rosario weren't married, but I don't think it
really mattered to Shaun. All she would know is that another woman is now
invading in on her space. As much as I was wanting to make me and Carter
official and not have to hide it anymore, for his sake and my own, I now got a bit
fearful of us publicly becoming a couple.

When Carter came home that evening, I had another gift for him. I had gone to
Carson and had him take some professional nude photos of me. I also had a few
of the artist in my class do some private drawings of me. I had them all
developed and laminated and put them in a leather book, just for Carter. I
thought I looked amazing in them. I had my hair done, my skin looked smooth
and soft, and best of all I thought my sexy was revealing enough to arouse him
but not explicit enough to wet his appetitie. These pics would always be a tease
of his hunger for beauty. For once, I was happy I never got a tattoo. My breast,
my legs, my thighs, and back, were free of man's touch, just like he liked it. No
lingerie. No markings. No jewelry. Just as naked as God made me.

We had sent naked pictures to each other before, but I saw this as something
special. Especially since I wouldn't let him in the class to see me work. I thought
that he would be salty like Chris for any private shots but Carter loved them. He
told me he'd keep them locked up. I felt good giving him something that he could
always keep for his eyes only.

I also let him have me anally that night which I decided would be a special
occasion only thing, and then my final gift to him was a History of The New York
Jets DVD which also had Super Bowl 3 included, a game that Carter once told me
reminded him of his father. He said football was the only thing that could remind
him of his dad in a good way. I noticed that he had mentioned wanting to get the
game, and I put it on my list to purchase for him. He couldn't believe it when he
saw it either. He didn't even think I'd remember what he said about him
becoming a Jets fan because his brother and dad were Jets fans. But I had
listened to him and I had remembered. He kissed me deeply once we made it
back to the bedroom that night.

I was still wanting to give him that special occasion sex in my booty, so even
though I could tell he wanted to make me orgasm from vaginal sex, I made him
do me anally while in the missionary position. He held me close and stroked me
passionately. We kissed and a tear rolled down my face from the intensity of our
love making, especially since it wasn't in the common spot. When he came, he
cried out and I immediately felt of his warm seed in me. I came just from the
warmness of it, and how warm it felt in that bedroom. You couldn't have told me
that this wasn't the man of my dreams and the man I would happily marry. This
would also be the first time me and him had sex without a condom.

How cruel that only a few weeks later, he was telling me that he hated me.

**

"Hey punk. Where everyone at?" I announced when me and Michelle walked
through the front door at noon.

Ricky was laid out on the couch playing Call of Duty. Now normally when I came
around him, even if the nigga hadn't seen me for months or years, he'd barely
even notice me and keep continuing to do what he was doing. But he was grown
up now. About to graduate his damn self. Tall, handsome, and seemingly more
mature. He got up and came right over to me. And then he showed that he was
still a punk ass, because he only was being nice so he could introduce himself to
Michelle. I guess he didn't even recognize that this was the same girl he had seen
my freshman year when he helped move my bags inside the dorms.

"And who do we have here?" he smiled at her.

She giggled, "It's me, Ricky. Beyonce's roomate?"

He stood back, looked hard, and then his brain registered the memory of her.

"Oh Heeey. Wassup, girl?" he said, looking at her, totally ignoring me.

I just left them there and went to the kitchen to see where my mom was.

"Aunt Tina is at the restaurant Bee" Ricky said, reading my mind.

"Where daddy?" I asked.

"Pose to be having Solo's car looked at" he said, still focusing his attention on
Michelle.

"So we don't speak in this household no mo?" I spat at him.

He turned his head, saw my smirk, and then came over to me. I figured he just
did it to put on a show for Michelle but whatever. I actually missed seeing him. I
went to give him a little hug and he bear hugged me, picked me up, and twisted
me around. Yep, totally showing off.

"Put...me...down" I said in between breaths.

He laughed and let me down, before trying to return to being a gentlemen.

"How was yall flight? Yall thirsty or something?" he asked, staring at Michelle.

"I'm not. But thanks" Michelle smiled politely.

"I am" I said, testing him.

"Well it's drink in the fridge" he rolled his eyes to me before heading back
towards her.

I laughed while he went over to help Michelle with her bags and make her feel at
home. Of course, he left me to get my own bags. He may have grown taller. Grew
some facial hair. And had a new sense of confidence after becoming a player at
his high school, but some things never changed. Once our bags were settled in
Ricky's room, Michelle and I decided to step out in my backyward to talk. Ricky
wanted to follow along, and get his holler on, but I wasn't having it. First of all, I
needed to make sure Michelle wasn't going to be receptive to his nonsense, and
if she was, I needed to know up front. I did not bring her up here to be messing
with my damn cousin.

We sat on the swing set my dad had built when I was just a little girl. It was a
peaceful day, just two days before Christmas. It was chilly, much more chilly than
it was in Florida, but it was a welcomed change of pace. It felt good to be home
again, my first home.

"Your cousin is something else" Michelle said as we sat.

"Something else like what?" I asked.

"He reminds me of my little cousins" she laughed.

"So you ain't gon be trying to let him talk to you, right?" I asked, just making
sure.

"Girl no. That boy is in High School still. He cute and all. But no. No. And no" she
said sternly.

"He mad that he got kicked out of his room while we here. He gotta sleep on the
couch" I said.

"Ain't that your room anyway?"

"Yeah. When I moved out he moved in it. But you right. It's STILL my room".

"I know that's right?" she agreed.

We talked like this for a few minutes. Nothing special. Just empty talking, until
Solo emerged from the backdoor, with my nephew who was turning two in a few
more days. I hopped up and ran to see them both.

"Look who decides to come home for once" Solo playfully sneered as I
approached.

"Oh shut up and come here" I said before we embraced long and full. And then I
turned to little Daniel.

"Oh my God, girl. He got so big" I said before reaching to pick him up. He looked
up at me like he ain't remember his auntie.

"Tell me about it" Solo said, as if him growing up was a revelation she had long
ago received.

"Hey, boo" I smiled at the curly haired light bright boy, that looked so much like
his father. A dude he would likely never meet.
"Say hi to your aunt, JuJu" Solo said. Juju was what she called him because his
middle name was Juelz.

He shyly told me hey and I hugged him and showered him with kisses. He didn't
remember me. I had talked to him on the phone and everything but it was
different seeing me again. I barely visited home at all, and he was growing up
only knowing his aunt by voice. I made a promise to myself right then and there
that I would keep him at my hip my entire time home. I wasn't going to leave
with him still seeing me as a stranger.

"There go my girl" my daddy said when he saw what the fuss was in the
backyard.

I waved at him while holding my shy as nephew on my shoulder. He tried to give

me a hug but it was hard to hug him with Daniel on my hip so I gave him a little
side hug. He wasn't having that.

"Put that boy down. He ain't going nowhere" he smirked at me.

I gave him to Solo and she shook her head, "Stop treating him like a baby. Set
him on the ground".

I guess he was still a baby to me. I missed all of his baby years. He was going on
2 now. 2 years since my miscarriage. Crazy how fast time went. I put my nephew
down and my dad gave me a big hug. He gave Michelle a church hug and soon
Ricky was out, just trying to be in Michelle's face. I hoped that she was being real
about what she said to me. I couldn't have my cousin hooking up with her, that's
for damn sho.

"When ma coming?" I asked after he had asked me the basic questions about my
flight and such. I bounced Daniel on my lap.

"She'll be home later. Doing a little overtime because of the Holidays. You know
she said she ain't cooking this year right?".

I frowned, "Yeah. Solo told me the other day. I almost canceled my flight".

He laughed as did Michelle.

"I wish someone would cancel their flight. This house is going to be packed this
week" Ricky said.

"Speaking of which, when Angie-nem coming?" I asked.

"They said they will be in later tonight" my daddy answered.

"Good. I can't wait to see them".

"Who is Angie nem?" Michelle asked.

"My cousin and all of my aunts and uncles. Every other year they come to
Houston for the Holidays. Angie is a lil older than me. She is crazy. But fun. You'll
like her" I said, trying to get her excited about meeting so much of my family.

The next few hours involved us lounging around, watching nothing in particular,
while Ricky tried to show off for the guest. I was anxious to see my mother and
my family. I needed them more than they ever knew. I needed love. Real love.
Unconditional love. I needed the kind of love that Carter was unwilling and
incapable of giving me as the anniversary of my miscarriage approached.

"I huhgwy" Daniel said as he sat on my lap.

Solo looked at him, "Want a sandwich?" she asked.

He nodded his head and Solo started to stand up. I stopped her.

"I got it. You want aunt Bee to make you a sandwich?" I smiled at him.

He didn't answer. This nigga didn't answer. I laughed, "Come here" and led him
to the kitchen while Solo and Michelle smirked.

I couldn't help think about how my life would be if I was a mother. A little me to
protect would be something else. But as I looked at Solo's baby, I saw more of
her one night stand that her. It made me wonder. What would my child with
Carter had looked like? Instead of it feeling like a little me. Would it feel like a
little him? Carter didn't seem to have dominant genes. Shaun looked just like her
mother. I confirmed in my head that I definitely would have wanted my child to
look like me.

I checked the fridge and it was packed, like usual. I still couldn't quite believe my
mother wouldn't be cooking. Cooking for Christmas and Thanksgiving is a staple
in our family. My aunts, my mom and her sisters, all were cooking before they
even got training bras. My grandmother trained them up that way. It was like the
movie Soul Food, with a big momma having all of her daughters cooking. It just
didn't make sense that they were all coming in they weren't going to cook.

"What kinda sandwich you want JuJu?" I asked him.

He looked at the fridge and then at me. He didn't open his mouth. Just looked. He
was playing so hard to get. I wanted him to like me.

"How about PB&J. You like jelly and peanut butter?" I asked.

He nodded his head.

"He's allergic to nuts, Bee!" I heard Solange scream from the living room. Seems
she was clocking us.

That would have been bad.

"Why you lie to me, lil boy?" I asked him playfully, "Huh? Why you lie to your
auntie?" I said again before going in for the tickle. I was desperate.

I tickled his belly under his shirt and although his ass tried to not laugh and be all
stank, I got the best of him and he was giggling and trying to get away from my
tickles. We laughed together. I ended up making him a ham and cheese
sandwhich with some Cheetos and a juicy juice. We sat at the kitchen table as he
ate and I decided to see if he would share with me.

"You know. I'm hungry too" I said.

He looked while chewing. I frowned my face and poked my bottom lip out like a
baby. He reached down and handed me a Cheeto. One Cheeto.

"Aww. Is this for me?" I asked.

He nodded, this time smiling. I took that one little cheeto, threw it in my mouth
and crunched down on it hard for effect. He laughed some and then went to offer
me another one.

"For moi?" I asked again, pointing towards myself.

I took it and he kept trying to feed me Cheetos one by one as he ate his
sandwich. He was a skilly lil thing. All bones, which was a shame considering he
came from the home of a cook. And when he eaten half of his sandwich and a
bite of the other half he offered the rest to me. I ate it then tried to wash it down
with some of his juice. But you know how kids are with their juice. He was stingy
with that. He shook his head, still grinning, and made me go get my own. I got a
diet coke instead.

"You liked your lunch?" I asked him as we were cleaning off the table.

"Yah" he said softly, still sounding shy but more comfortable around me.

"Yay. Me too. Thanks for sharing?" I smiled before picking him up and walking
him back into the living room.

"You just a-spoiling my baby. He ain't gon know how to act when you leave" Solo
said, rolling her eyes.

I rolled my eyes back and kissed his bushy head, "my baby" I said mischievously.

"Take him with you then" Solo challenged.

I laughed, "I will".

"You wanna go home with aunt Bee?" Solo asked her son in a baby voice.

Daniel was sitting on my lap facing me. He looked at me and then looked at his
mother and then back at me. I was pushing my lip out and pouting again. I think
he liked when I did that.

"You wanna come with me?" I asked.

It broke his little heart to shake his head no, because I could tell he didn't want to
hurt my feelings. But shit, at least he was honest. Kids are f*cking honest. I
kissed him anyway and he sat with me while we bullshitted the rest of the
afternoon.

My mom came a few hours later exhausted from work but so excited to see me. I
hugged her, she kissed me, and not even 20 minutes later Kelly was calling me
and telling me her and Quenton had made it to her parents crib and would come
over tomorrow. Just an hour after that we got the call from my aunt that said my
family from New Orleans were in the city and on their way to our crib. When they
got there, I completely forgot about my broken heart. It was a festive
atmosphere. Aunts, uncles, little cousins, big cousins, and Angie's new boyfriend.
So many people to hug and chat with and laugh with that Carter no longer had a
place to fit in my mind. He was thrown out. And I loved it. This was going to be a
different Christmas for me. I was not going to let our breakup ruin it.

"Ma, Daddy told me yall ain't cookin this year. You for real?" I asked.

My mom looked at her oldest sister, who was grinning.

"We ain't cookin" my mother answered.

"I don't believe it. First off, why is it food in the fridge? Second. Why yall giggling
and passing looks?" Angie asked accusingly.

Angies mom answered, "Oh. We didn't say ain't no one cooking. We just said we
aint" she said to her feisty daughter.

Solo, Michelle, Angie, and me raised our eyebrows.

My uncle Tim-Tim, my oldest aunts husband broke the tension.

"Angie. Yall are cooking. You. Beyonce. Solange. Keisha. Melissa" he started
names all of the female cousins that were here. All of us younger than 30. All of
us unprepared as f*ck for this.

"What?" Solo gasped.

"Every single year. Yall drag yall lazy butts to the kitchen table expecting a feast
while we slave in the kitchen all day. Not this time. All of the younger women. It's
your turn. Yall are cooking for us this year" Angie's mom said.

This was their plan all along and they didn't decide to tell us until 10 PM on
December 23rd. We were going to have to spend all of Christmas Eve getting
dinner ready for that evening. It was sure to be an adventure.

**

"Bee, you wash the greens good?" Angie asked as we rushed in the kitchen,
trying to get everything together.

Angie was bossing all of us around. She was the oldest cousin and the most
aggressive so she thought she had to control everything. All she was doing was
aggravating the shit out of everyone, especially me.

"Can you just stay over there? I got this" I said as nicely as possible.

She rolled her eyes, "Ok. I just don't know about your cooking skills" she said
bitterly.

It was only noon, and we were already at each others throats. It was funny. My
aunts and mother. Those five sisters could whip up a Christmas dinner without
any measuring cups or words. But us? Our raggedy asses? We were cursing each
other out. Measuring cups everywhere. Knives falling on the floor. It was a mess.
It was too many of us to all jam in the kitchen so what we did was have teams
designated to do certain things. My team of four consisted of me, Michelle (who
got invited to help), Angie, and my cousin Keisha. We were preparing greens,
black eyes peas, oxtails, chitterlings, rice, mac and cheese, cornbread, catfish,
and cobbler.

Solo's team were cooking chicken and dumplings, fried chicken, pinto beans,
potato salad, candy yams, cabbage, BBQ pig feet, sweet potato pie, and a ham.

Our aunts had reminded us they asked us earlier in the month what we wanted to
eat for the holidays and we spouted off a list this long. So they went shopping for
all of it. Told us some basic details for preparation and threw us in the kitchen
while they sat in the backyard, drinking wine, and laughing at us. We had a large
family here they was counting on it turning out good. So even though the
pressure was all in good fun, Angie took the shit so serious.

"Bee, can you clean up your damn mess before moving on to something else?"
she said, clearly not taking kindly to the pressure of our team.

I cleaned up my mess and made another one when I "accidentally" spilled dirty
greens water on her. She was pissed off but the rest of us girls laughed. She went
upstairs to change and for a few minutes we rested easy, happy to be away from
the dictator from hell. When she came back, she knew not to keep nitpicking, or
at least talk to me politely. She knew I was a sensitive soul.

Eventually we got our act together and the kitchen got to smelling good. In fact,
the entire house got to smelling good. Even the smell of the chitterlings, which
Angie did personally, started to get drowned out by the smell of fried food and
cheese and spices. We had one Muslim in the family so we cooked a separate pot
of Greens for him, with no pork in it. We got up good and early that morning to
start the preparation and we surprised ourselves by getting it down by the
evening.

There wasn't enough room in our dining room for everyone to sit to a table and it
was much too cold outside for us to bring tables outside for eating, so our
traditional Christmas Eve Dinner would be a little less traditional. Everyone was
going to be able to eat wherever they could find a seat. After we had dished up
the food, most of the girls went to wash up and change clothes but I was hungry
so I ate a little bit of potato salad in the kitchen. I didn't realize that friends of our
family would be coming over, and was completely caught off guard when one of
the people that walked through the door was Lyndell!

He was my first boyfriend. The boy I had dated for years before I went off to
college while he stayed back in High School. The boy I cheated on and then broke
up with. The boy I had been avoiding every time I came home. He was here, and
he saw me before I saw him.

"Hey, Bee. You look so different" he smiled, as I stuffed my face in my stained

clothes.

I wiped my mouth embarrassingly and smiled "Oh. Hey Lyndell. How are you?"

He nodded, "I'm good. It's good seeing you. Been so long".

"Yeah. Well I been busy with school and stuff".

"Yeah. Been busy avoiding me" he laughed, "But it's all good. Where Solo at?"

"Upstairs changing"

"Oh well go get her so I can speak. I just came to show my face and then make
my rounds to my girls crib".

It was then I noticed another female in the living room. A beautiful dark skinned
girl with dimples and bangs. Damn. Looks like he had came up. I could also tell
he so wanted to let me know he had a girlfriend and had moved on. It was cool. I
had moved on too. I didn't want him.

"She'll be down in a little bit. You're not gonna get a plate?" I asked.
He sniffed the air, as if it wasn't already thick with mouth watering flavor.

"What yall got up in here?"

"Everything. You want a plate?" I asked.

"Now you know I want a plate, Bee" he said jokingly.

I halfheartedly smiled and decided to fix him and his girl one. We had so much
food, that each person needed two places full of stuff to get a little of everything.
And that is what I gave them. A little of everything. He kept smiling at me which
was a bit annoying, especially since it was only me and him in the kitchen.

"You want to know what I meant by you looking different?" he asked, as I fixed.

I didn't. But I didn't want to be rude either. It was the Holidays after-all.

"What?" I said simply.

"You look a lot more mature. Like I love your new hair color. It looks good on you.
Brings out your eyes" he said.

Oh lord.

"Thanks" I said, remembering why I had broken up with him.

"So. You got a boyfriend or anything? You ain't go out and get married did you?"
he smiled.

"Nope. You gonna eat this here or take it with you?" I asked, trying to change the
subject.

"Nah. Foil it up. We are gonna roll out after I see your sister. Aunt Tina just had
told me to stop by cuz she said everyone was gonna be here. I had to see you
again since you can't call a brother" he said.

"Well. Like I said. I been busy".

"Too busy to accept my facebook request? I sent you that thing a long time ago".

He was really pushing. Hard.

"Well how would your girlfriend feel about that?" I asked him, looking her way.
She saw me look. And I could immediately sense attitude. I didn't have time for
that shit.

"Look. Ima go upstairs and get changed. I'll tell Solange you are down here".
I had barely finished that sentence and Kelly and her husband were walking in.
They were greeted warmly by everyone. Lyndell said something, but I wasn't
paying attention. I just sat and waited for Kelly to notice me. When she did, she
shrieked and came into the kitchen.

"Hey girl. And hey Lyndell. I ain't see your butt in a minute" she said, smiling ear
to ear.

"Miss. Kelly. Done went out and got married on a brother. And ain't invite me to
the wedding either" he said.

She sucked her teeth, "Child boo" and turned her attention towards me.

"Momma Tina said yall cooked. Tell me you lying. Yall cooked all this food?" she
asked.

"We surely did" I said confidently.

"Word?" Lyndell asked, now looking at his plate like it was diseased.

We all giggled.

"If you don't trust my food then don't eat it" I hissed at him.

"Ima have my girl taste test it first"

"Yall suck. We did a good job. A damn good job with this food. I cooked the
Greens all by myself too. And the cornbread" I said.

Quenton walked up and grabbed his boo by the waist.

"Q. Remind me to not get the greens or the corn bread aight bae".

He looked over the food with his tongue halfway falling out of his mouth. I could
already tell he was hungry.

"Why, whats wrong with it?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all" I laughed, "Here. Let me fix you a plate right now".

Quenton looked at me suspiciously and laughed. Homeboy was put between a

rock and a hard place. He wanted some grub, but not if us girls were giggling
about there possibly being something wrong with it.

"Damn. I'm hungry and yall are teasing. Whats wrong with the cornbread?" he
asked.
"Bee cooked it" Lyndell said, as if he was invited in the convo.

"And what's wrong with that?" Q said, looking at me.

"Thank you. See. I like you" I said, giving him a hi five. He was looking crazy but
he gave me one back.

"You must not know Bee's track record with cooking" Kelly smirked.

"Yall acting like things don't change" I said.

They laughed and joked some more. But they fixed their plates. They ate. They
enjoyed it. Even my greens and cornbread. I had really improved when it came to
cooking. A lot of it had to do with me cooking with Carter. Things did change.
People gained new attributes. Their old identities became retired. Their stories
switched direction. Just look at all of us. Me, Solange, and Kelly. We never
expected our lives to be how they were on this Christmas Eve of 2009. We all
thought we'd be living together in Tally, all going to FAMU.

But Kelly was married. Solange was a mother. And me? I was struggling to accept
what my identity was.

**

Christmas came in and my highlight was watching Daniel open his gifts. I got him
a new jacket, which I'm sure he didn't care about but Solo appreciated, and I also
got him some action figures. I played with him. And then opened my gifts which I
really weren't all that thrilled to open. Christmas changes focus once you
becomes an adult, and I wanted money and gift cards more than gifts. Unless the
gift was from Carter, because he always had unique ideas for me. Now that I
thought about it, Rihanna did too. They were one of the few that shopped with
the persons personality in mind. Most people just came with something generic.

I was a bit surprised when my dad had bought me an iphone. Damn surprised
and damn happy. I would have to switch providers and everything but I didn't
really mind. MetroPCS had ass for service anyway.

Angie and my other cousins convinced me to go to the skating ring later that day.
Something I hadn't done in a long time, since I was a teen. A young teen. But I
was really trying to make sure I enjoyed my break and not sit around and give
myself room to think about my heart, so I went. Solo brought Daniel with us so he
could get out of the house too, although I was the one watching him for the
majority of the time. We were attached at the hip.
It brought back a lot of memories, gliding on the skates and then busting my ass
a few times for good measure. Hard to think about a man when you've busted
your ass.

It did me some good, helped to make sure I stayed upbeat and when Christmas
evening rolled around and us girls were watching Christmas movies while the
men played Spades and watching Football and Basketball, I had to say I was very
relaxed. Maybe even happy. We watched Home Alone, reciting the lines that we
all knew, and then A Charlie Brown Christmas, then some Tyler Perry movies and
then Angie suggest we watch Soul Food. I didn't know how that related to
Christmas, but we all agreed anyway.

Michelle was getting along with everyone, which was cool. I was glad I didn't
have to hold her hand on this trip. She was really coming out of her shell. And I
was glad she kept her word and didn't take the bait Ricky was constantly
throwing at her. When we first started watching the movie, it was only my 3
female cousins, me, Solo, and Michelle watching. But somewhere, my mom and
Angie's mom came in to join us. And this was when a debate started about if
Cousin Faith should have been forgiven for sleeping with her cousins husband.
"Nope. Nope. Nope. One strike and you are OUT" Angie said passionately.

"I thought it was 3 strikes?" Keisha laughed.

"Not when it comes to my dang husband. Let any of yall heifers sleep with my
husband when I get married. There will be no forgiveness. There will be blood"
she said, not a hint of a joke.

"I hear what you are saying Ang. But we are family" Solo said.

"I don't give a darn" Angie laughed, "Ma. Aunt Tina. What yall think?"

"God says we have to forgive" my momma said, like I knew she would.

"So I'd go to hell because I didn't forgive them?" Angie asked.

"Yep" Solo laughed, "That's why Ima forgive".

They all went on and on. Laughing. Debating. Retorting. Barely even watching
the movie. I just listened. I didn't know what it was. But the topic of forgiveness
had struck a nerve with me. Watching a movie about sex and love and
heartbreak was messing with me. I had done so well so far. But even though I
could mask the pain, it didn't mean it wasn't there. My mother, bless her soul,
noticed this. But she didn't call me out on the spot. She went into the kitchen,
and about five minutes later asked me if I could do something for her. When I
went into the kitchen she was walking out, and she motioned for me to follow
her. I did as I was told and we went up in her room. She closed the door and just
looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Beyonce. Sit down" she told me, softly, yet still as a demand, not a suggestion.

I walked over to the bed. Hating that I could feel a lecture coming. I was hoping
that wasn't what this was.

"Bee. What's wrong?" was all she asked.

I pulled a smile out of my ass, "Nothing ma. What you mean?"

She walked over slowly and sat on the bed with me. She asked again.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, ma"

She continued staring into my eyes. The look on her face horrified me. She wasn't
buying my answer. She wasn't buying my happiness. She wasn't buying the
image I was projecting.

"Nothing is wrong" I said to her, although I was just trying to convince myself.

It was one of those moments where you burst out crying out of nowhere. Where
you cry and can't explain exactly why you are crying. I didn't have a specific
reason. It was a bunch of things. Big things. Little things. Medium sized things.
And I had kept it in for so long. So much of my life I kept private. I couldn't tell
people because I was afraid of what they would think of me. Or afraid that it
would get me in trouble or someone else in trouble. Holding those secrets it
consumed you. They overwhelmed you, until eventually, the dam broke. And it
broke. I just bent over in the palms of my hands and broke down.

I felt her rubbing my back. And I tried to explain myself. But I couldn't even talk. I
could not get a coherent sentence out. My mom shushed me and told me to just
let it out. And I did just that. I cried for I don't know how long. I hated a lot of
things about the way parts of my life had turned out. I just wish I had do-overs. A
mulligan. A chance to fix the shit that had me feeling so broken. If I could just
rewind time, there would be so many different things I would have changed to
make me better. A better girlfriend. A better woman. A better person. I just
wanted to be better, so I could feel ok about loving myself. The way it stood now,
I didn't feel ok about loving myself.

"Ma. I'm messed up" I said, once I had managed to stop the weeping enough to
talk.

"Whatever it is, Beyonce. Whatever it is. Tell me. Stop holding these things in.
You've been doing it ever since you left the nest. It isn't healthy. You can't do
everything on your own" she said.

"I had a miscarriage" I blurted, thinking that the two year anniversary was only
hours away.

She rubbed my back and didn't speak. I guess she was leaving room for me to
continue. I did.

"I had a STD. Chlamydia".

"I was dating an older man. I lied to him about something. And now he hates me".

"Was he the childs father?" she asked me softly.

I nodded my head.

"What did you lie to him about?"

"I didn't tell him about the miscarriage. I lied about being with another guy" I
said.
"How much older is he?" she asked.

I couldn't even look at her. I was just telling everything. And I was ashamed.

"35".

"You love him?"

"I love him" answered, the tears coming again.

I didn't know what to expect from my mom. She was always so by the book; a
bible thumper. I knew this little confession of mine was something she would not
expect from her oldest daughter. I knew she would think it was a reflection of her
parenting, and that I pretty much had proven I was immature and shouldn't have
went off to college by myself. I was prepared to be yelled at. Rebuked. Chastised.
Criticized. Scorned. And maybe even shunned. I was prepared for it all. I already
felt low. How much lower could I get. I just closed my eyes and waited.

"You know. I had 7 miscarriages before I had you. Doctors said I wouldn't be able
to have a successful pregnancy. I could get pregnant fine, but my body never
was able to carry to term. They told us to look into adoption" she said, still
rubbing my back. I still wasn't looking at her. But I was listening.

"I wanted a little girl, so bad. My little girl. That came out of me. I wanted that. I
wanted a baby that came from me. Not someone elses womb. I wanted to feel a
baby in my womb. Feel the kicks. Feel the connection. That's the real mother
experience. And I wanted it Beyonce. I wanted it so bad. I remember telling God.
If he blessed me with a child. A child I could carry inside of my womb. If he could
bless me with a healthy baby. I would give him that child. Raise them right.
Teach them all I know. Love them unconditionally. I told God this. On a day I was
suppose to have my tubes tied, I told God this. I remember being in that office. It
was a Tuesday morning. They said I should get my tubes tied to avoid anymore
miscarriages because my body couldn't take many more of them. Look at me
Beyonce" she said as she grabbed my hand.

I looked at my mother. She now had tears in her eyes.

"Beyonce. I felt a kick in my belly as I prayed this to God. And I knew it was a
sign. A sign that I was not suppose to be in that office. I told Matthew to get me
out of there. He did. And a month later, I was pregnant with you. Of course, the
doctors thought this was a bad thing. They warned me my chances to miscarry
were high. And the chance that I'd have complications from another one were
high. But I knew I wasn't going to lose you. I felt it in my bones. I knew you were
going to come into this world. And I loved you so much. I cried so much during
my pregnancy with you. I cried because I wanted to hold you in my arms and see
your face and finally hear you cry. Cry so I knew you could breathe and were
alive".
We were both crying now.

"My momma told me I shouldn't cry so much while carrying you. She said that I
would create a cry baby. I remember not caring if you were a cry baby. Just as
long as you were my healthy baby. And Beyonce. Feeling you grow in my womb
was the greatest experience of my life. When I got to 9 months, against all of the
doctors expectations, I knew God has blessed me. You are a miracle baby. You
are a baby they said never should have been born. And I see you now. How you
have grown. How smart you are. How dedicated you are. How independent you
are. Even if you are a cry baby" she smiled through her own tears.

"I still thank God he brought you to me. I know I've been hard on you. You and
Solange. So protective of my girls. But I don't want you to ever think, there is
anything you can ever do in life that would make me love you any less. As you
cried in here tonight. I remembered when you were a baby. The first time I held
you in my arms. And I told God that I gave this baby to him. And it reminded me
how happy I was to have you in this world. Beyonce. Even now. I am so happy
you are my daughter. My miracle baby. And I am proud of you. No matter what
mistakes you make. I am proud of you. Beyonce Giselle Knowles".

She held me and we cried together. Just like how we cried together when i was
born, so she said. And I felt a release in me. I needed that release.

"You gonna tell daddy what i told you?" I asked her after we had wiped our eyes
and were ready to return downstairs.

"What you told me. Is what you told ME" was all she said.

**

Daniel's birthday party was more manageable than I thought it would be. I did
take some time to think about what happened to me two years ago but I didn't
let it control my day. I spent the day with my nephew making sure his day was
memorable instead. He was really taking a liking to his auntie. Ricky was still
trying to get at Michelle but it wasn't happening and surprisingly I was really
getting along with Quenton. He was so shy when I first met him, but he was the
type that would really let his personality out when he got use to a person. He was
good peoples. Plus, he often was on my side when people were trying to joke on
me.

Saturday Night after Daniel was put to sleep my mother gave a toast to the
adults as we sat around and talked. She told everyone that she loved her
daughter Solange and thought she had done a great job her first few years as
mother. She also said some words about me. Words that had me tearing up yet
again. She told everyone that she couldn't have asked for two better daughters,
reflections of her. We got a round of applause.
But tell me why she had to mess up one bit of information. She said "even though
Bee life models, I still love her". Now people knew I modeled on the side. But
NONE of these people knew I life modeled, not even Michelle or Kelly.

"She does what?" Kelly asked.

I eyed my momma wide eyed.

"Yall don't know?" my momma asked.

"NO!" Michelle laughed, "She does naked modeling?"

"Oh I'm sorry Bee. I thought your friends knew" she said.

I knew it was an easy mistake to make. She thought me and Kelly were still close
like we use to be. She didn't know I was keeping things from them.

"I told you. I told you Bee was skrippin" Michelle laughed.

I was so embarrassed. But I laughed anyway. What the hell. Now they knew.
Nobody really believed it when they heard it. Not Bee, was all they would say.
Not shy, conservative, cry baby, Beyonce. Like I said though. Things change.

We ended up going to church on Sunday morning. The same church I grew up in.
Michelle, Kelly, and I were all church girls. So we decided that we would sing a
song that morning. Amazing Grace. I thought it was fitting. I wasn't perfect.
Michelle wasn't perfect. Kelly wasn't. Yet we all appreciated God's grace for our
lives. So the three of us practiced that morning and did a little something
something for the service. I thought we sounded pretty good. We got a standing
ovation.

The preacher have a great sermon too. It was what we called in our family an "on
time" message. It was about forgiveness. Fitting.
We left the church and all went to a buffet afterwards. I loved my family. I loved
my friends. I loved that we loved God. I once again felt like I belonged to
something special. I had spent so much time and energy trying to break away
from my family and my upbringing and their strict rules, that I completely forgot
that at the core of it all was a warm love that could never be duplicated. Not in
men or a new city.

When it was time for us to depart to our homes away from home, Daniel cried
because he said he wanted to go with me. Maybe it was because Solange was
going to get him a pat on his ass for being bad and I shielded him and took him in
the kitchen for ice cream and a talking. I was sure he didn't give a damn about
what I was saying, but he was thankful aunt Bee saved him from a little spanking.
Or maybe he really did come to love his auntie in the week I was there with him.

Saying goodbye to him was hard enough. Saying goodbye to my sister and my
cousins and my dad was difficult as well. But maybe for the first time in a long
time, I found it the most difficult to depart from my mother. Of course growing
up, you never appreciate being overprotected by your parents. You never see the
logic in their strict rules or their hard love. But I knew through all of it, even the
mistakes that they did make, they loved me. There wasn't a manual to raise kids,
except for the Bible in their case, but they tried their best to raise me right and
show me love the way they saw fit.

I knew leaving Houston was going to put me right back in the line of fire. I knew
the safe haven of my mother wouldn't be with me when I got back on my own.
But her words stayed with me. They would help comfort me when her touch and
smile were thousands of miles away. And I was thankful for them. Time to head
back to Tallahassee.

**

My New Years Resolution was to become the best version of myself. Corny
maybe, but it was something I was so focused on as I started my final semester
of undergrad and finished my last 4 months of president. I took the job serious
and it kept me very busy. I helped organize awareness groups on campus, spoke
at events, and pitched ideas for improving the campus and allocating remaining
funds. These improvements wouldn't affect me in anyway, but they would be
beneficial to future students that came to the school. This was a way to leave my
mark on FAMU forever.

I was featured in the school paper for my work with the Camile Project, which
became even more noteworthy because I had received a letter from Camile. She
wrote it herself, and although her handwriting wasn't the best, she was writing
coherently. She thanked me for my help and the help of FAMU, and said she was
doing much better in her studies. She even said she had developed a love for
reading. She said her favorite books to read were the Goosebumps books. Those
books were far below her grade level, but that wasn't the point. She had gone
from a girl that couldn't read, to a girl that liked to read in about two years. It was
exciting for everyone that was involved with the non-profit reading and writing
organization.

Of course me and Carter had to interact during this time. It was terrifying being in
the same room as him, but I never let it show. I was so determined to not allow
myself to break down because of him. I showed up, spoke, remained completely
professional, and never gave him anymore attention that was required. He did
the same. You would have never been able to guess that only a month prior we
were wrestling underneath his silk sheets for hours on end.

Wallace continued to ask me to attend the bible study meetings he was apart of
on campus, but I never showed my face. I was too busy with other things for that.
I could have told him I just wasn't interested in campus church, mostly because I
didn't trust or like a lot of the people on campus. I had a few close friends, and
many associates. Some girls said I was stuck up; some of the same girls that had
helped campaign for me during last springs election. They wondered why I wasn't
attending the parties or clubbing with them or eating with them or chilling with
them after they had helped me out. I think a lot of them were salty that I wouldn't
give them any of my secrets when it came to dressing fierce.

But I didn't feel I owed anyone my time or fashion tips. I especially didn't feel like
I had to fake friendships just to keep them happy. I was polite to everyone.
Cordial with anyone. But I didn't have to hang out with these people. So even I
was seen as a bougie chick because of it, then so be it. I really didn't care. This
was my last semester, and it was a stark difference from my first year on
campus.

I was so wide eyed and anxious then. Anxious to become popular and be seen
and have friends and get involved in any and every little thing. Now? I found fun
in chilling at home doing my nails or watching a movie or reading a book. I didn't
care to have a lot of friends and I didn't care to be in the spotlight. It wasn't fun
being the center of attention when Chris was my man and Nicki had become my
antagonist. I didn't like the gossip and side remarks and daily stares.

I was determined to finish my college years in the shadows. Even in the Shadows,
Wallace seemed to always find me. I liked him. He was a down to earth guy,
surprisingly for a church boy, and he wasn't hard on the eyes. But there was no
way in hell I was looking for a boyfriend. I didn't see any reason to date anyone
else my last semester of school. I had made up in my mind that I was not going
to stay in Florida after I graduated. I was already looking for job opportunities in
the Atlanta, Georgia, and Charlotte North Carolina area. My counselors were good
for helping us find jobs, especially aspiring teachers.

I would have to become certified in those states but all I needed was my
bachelors in Education to teach elementary school. My counselors would joke
that it would be funny for a 21 year old to be teaching a class full of 4th graders,
and since he knew I eventually wanted to teach higher level math, they stressed
me going to Grad school. I'd have to have a masters if I ever wanted to teach
college. I thought it would be a good idea to teach part time at a community
college, as a side job in the summer when public school was out.

I was just going to have to weigh all of my options, but either way, I was in great
shape. My grades were top 1% in the school and my resume spoke for itself. I
came to school firstly for a great education and I had received it. All I had to do
was not screw up these last 4 months.

A new year also meant new life modeling classes. By this time, I was the veteran
model of the academy as all of the other models, except Rihanna and an older
man, had moved on. I remembered my first time posing nude for students and
how I felt a transformation when it happened. It was a tangible moment in my life
where I shed my exterior and relied on my inner strength to pull me through. I
came out of my shell. I became a new version of myself.

In the three years I had modeled, I had managed to keep that part of my life
away from everyone. I wasn't necessarily ashamed of it, but I didn't feel like I had
to broadcast it either. I was growing more and more comfortable in my nudity,
but only for the people that were privy to see it. To see it for what it was; art. And
I loved that my body was art.

Each time I experienced a new class, I got butterflies. Hundreds of eyes had seen
me naked by then, but each group brought a new set of eyes and pencils, all
eager to dissect every inch of me. I had decided this would be my last class
before I retired from modeling. I couldn't be a teacher doing this. And since I was
determined to get out of Florida, mostly from the temptation of Carter, I knew it
would be difficult to find the kind of setup I had between the academies. Most
people couldn't exactly make a living off of life modeling. And although I had
managed to live well from doing it, I also knew a lot of it had to do with me
splitting bills with Michelle and receiving money from my parents and Carter
periodically.

I was 45 minutes late for the first life modeling class of the new semester. I called
the instructor Tiff to let her know I'd be late, which was ok since the beginning
was mostly filled with instruction and introduction instead of drawing. I just didn't
want her to think his model for the night wasn't going to show, like a lot of other
models that had changes of heart.

I hated to walk in any classroom late. All eyes always went towards the late
person. And as a model, I was the lesson plan. Being late allowed them to see me
as something other than a subject to draw. I found it a lot less intimidating if the
artist drew me as a subject and not a nervous girl. Being made me feel more like
a nervous girl.

When I did get in the class room, all eyes went to me of course, and then back to
Tiff. She smiled when she saw me.

"You made it. Great. I was afraid I was going to have to be the model for the
night" she grinned, "And I'm sure they would rather draw you".

The students laughed, as did I, before I shyly made my way inside. In the rush, I
hadn't even changed into my Kimono. I didn't want to keep them waiting any
longer for something they were going to see anyway so I just made my way to
the front of the class.

It was a cold night. I already felt my nipples pressing against my shirt. I had on a
FAMU jacket with beige jeans, and matching boots. It was a lot colder in January
in Florida than it was in any other month so this was usually the only time I had
to dress to keep warm. January was always my least favorite time to model
because of it. Having to spend three or four hours naked in a cold room. A room
that would be cold even if a heater was on.

The heater wasn't on in this class room, but there was a warm light behind the
podium to help keep the model warm. I was prepared for the heat of their stares
to warm me up first, though.

"Ok. So you can disrobe and we'll get going" Tiff said to me.
I had heard those words so many times but the comfort level was still non-
existent. You never quite get use to the feeling of disrobing for a group of
anxious people. Yeah they were artist, but they were humans first. Curious
humans, wondering what I looked like.

It was even worse to disrobe from my normal clothes instead of my kimono, more
invasive to come out of my everyday clothes. But I didn't complain or hesitate. I
had done this before.

I removed my jacket and put it in a pile. My shirt came next which left me in my
bra and jeans and boots. I heard someone cough although I didn't look up to see
who it was. For some reason, I never liked looking out at the students until a few
poses into the session. My nerves were always too strong to look at them. It was
like looking out of the airplane before jumping. You never look down because if
you do, it's likely you won't ever jump. I just always jumped in before I had a
chance to think about who was watching.

I kicked my boots off and rolled my socks up. I still hadn't made eye contact with
any of the artist. I needed to get on the podium and relax for a minute before I
could. Without another thought I removed my bra, like it wasn't a big deal and
dropped it in my pile of clothes. My hair fell in place over my extremely hard
nipples. The easy excuse was that it was cold. But the real shit was I was
aroused, like I usually was at the start of a class.

I undid my button, unzipped my pants and pulled down my panties right along
with my jeans. I stepped out, kicked them to the side and stood butt naked on
the carpet in front of eyes. This wasn't new. I had done this before.
I removed my jacket and put it in a pile. My shirt came next which left me in my bra and
jeans and boots. I heard someone cough although I didn't look up to see who it was. For some
reason, I never liked looking out at the students until a few poses into the session. My nerves
were always too strong to look at them. It was like looking out of the airplane before jumping.
You never look down because if you do, it's likely you won't ever jump. I just always jumped
in before I had a chance to think about who was watching.

I kicked my boots off and rolled my socks up. I still hadn't made eye contact with any of the
artist. I needed to get on the podium and relax for a minute before I could. Without another
thought I removed my bra, like it wasn't a big deal and dropped it in my pile of clothes. My
hair fell in place over my extremely hard nipples. The easy excuse was that it was cold. But
the real shit was I was aroused, like I usually was at the start of a class.

I undid my button, unzipped my pants and pulled down my panties right along with my jeans.
I stepped out, kicked them to the side and stood butt naked on the carpet in front of eyes. This
wasn't new. I had done this before.

I looked at Tiff and she looked at me in a non-threatening way. She had seen nudity before. It
didn't excite her. It only excited the part of her brain that was dedicated to creativity. She was
anxious to get the class focused on the art of capturing art. Capturing me.

"Ok. Class. Get your instruments ready and we're going to start with quick 30 second poses.
Concentrate on the figure as a whole" she said, as I climbed onto the stage. I always felt some
type of way about being referred to as a figure. But that's what i was to the artist. Finite
shapes on top of shapes.

When I was on the stage I faced my class. I scanned them quickly. About 15 or so students.
About 14 of them I didn't recognize. But the one that I did, shook me like a bucket of ice cold
water had been poured on my warm blooded body.

I saw him. And he saw me. Of course he saw me. How could he see ANYTHING but me? I
had managed to keep this job away from everyone at that campus. It worked because it was
well outside of the city and it cost money to take the classes. What college student from
FAMU would drive all of the way out here for an art drawing class?

Apparently. Wallace would. And he did. And I was standing before his eyes as naked as the
day I was born. And how convenient, his ass had a front row view.
I did what was natural. I covered myself. I covered my breast and my vagina.

"Oh my God" I said under my breath. He looked so uncomfortable and he turned his head
away from me. How could he be the one that was embarrassed?

"Is something the matter?" Tiff asked me.

Uh. Yes. DUH, was what i wanted to scream. I was sure she had explained to these students
that i was one of the better models she had ever worked with. I was dedicated and very
professional. I was flexible, in shape, curvacious, and well versed in posing in various angles.
I helped to bring out the best in the artist, is what she once said to me.

She had to be shocked to see me acting like a first time model, covering myself and looking at
any moment that I would run away.

"Beyonce. Is something wrong?" she asked me.

I looked at Wallace who was still glancing somewhere else, giving me the privacy I thought I
was owed in this caught off guard moment.

"Uh. Nothing's wrong" I lied, trying my best to remain professional about this.

"Ok. Well let's get started. We're already running a little late" she said, pushing me to get a
move on.

I forced myself. Forced my hands to leave their hiding spots and drop lifelessly at my waist.
My heart thumped and it was then I noticed the other people in the room. They looked at me
like you looked at a car crash. Feeling sorry yet wondering how in the hell did this even
happen. I could see the confusement in their stares. But only two people in this room knew
why I was acting like this. And neither one of us could look at each other.

I counted to three, asked God for some sort of strength, and started my poses. I was shaking.
Literally shaking as I tried to think of something to start off with. I decided on a simple pose.
Hand on hip, arm extended resting on the back of my neck, and my knee bent. I closed my
eyes and heard the scratch of the pencils. I peaked, just to see what I could see. Wallace was
drawing. When he glanced my way and saw me peaking, we both turned away from each
other. I hated him for this.
He had never told me he was an artist. He never even hinted at it. We had talked before about
our hobbies and interests. He never mentioned drawing or art. Why the hell was he here? This
could not have been a coincidence. Of all of the classes he could have taken, including art
classes on campus, he chose this one, at the same time slot I was suppose to be modeling? I
could not see this just happening by chance. Not after I avoided any of this for three years.

My mind started racing as I went through my series of poses. I still couldn't look him in the
eye, and he made sure to not look in mine either. He drew and took less glances than the other
students. I still tried to figure out how he could have known I would be doing this. Had he
followed me or something? Stalked me? What if Carter had mentioned it to him. Or Michelle.
Ok, I was thinking crazy. What incentive would anybody who knew what I did have to tell his
freshman ass?

That first hour was torture. Even more torture than the first time I had done this. I wasn't even
concerned with the other 14 people doing the drawing. Just the one freshman in the front seat
that I went to school with. The one that clearly had a crush on me or a thing for me. How
could he go to church and bible study and then come to a place like this?

Now I was sounding like my momma. Acting like this class was sinful. There was nothing
wrong with this type of art, I knew that, but I still wanted to demonize him somehow. It was
the only way I could preserve some dignity.

For the next two hours, Wallace got his monies worth, what was for sure. He got front row
views of my ass and breast and shaven pussy, and whatever else he dared to look at. If he
looked hard enough, he would have also saw a clitoris that was tingling from being exposed in
front of his young eyes. I always hated when I ended up horny against my own will. My body
often betrayed me like that.

When I took my first break, I took Rihnna's advice. Something she had told me but I had
never used until now. I couldn't take it anymore. Knowing he was seeing my nakedness
turned me on and had me leaking wetness. I went into the change room, still completely
naked and I touched my clit. I jumped at my own touch. There wasn't any furniture in there so
I just locked the door and laid on the carpet. I rubbed my hard ass nipples with one hand and
rubbed my pussy with the other. I had no choice. My body left me with no choice but to get
off from the frustration I was feeling.

I returned less excited, but even more angry at this entire setup. I was convinced it was some
sort of set up on his part. I convinced myself of his mischievousness. Anyone could sign up
for these classes. First time artist, professional artist, or a smitten freshman that wanted a peep
show of the girl of his dreams. Wallace was the last one as far as I was concerned.

When my timer went off on my last pose, a 45 minute shot of me sitting Indian style, with my
back facing the class, I dressed quickly and left without speaking to anyone, even Tiff. I had
an attitude. A more than justified attitude in my opinion. I was going to resign from that class
and find another one, or switch with another model or something. There was no way I was
going to go through that again.

Later that week, I ran into Wallace on campus. Or rather, he ran into me. I had been doing my
best to avoid him. I hoped this dude hadn't told anyone what he saw. But for some reason I
didn't think he would actually spill that info. He seemed to be the type that would keep my
nudity for his eyes only. He also didn't seem like a person that would intentionally try to leak
something personal about me, especially in knowing I was the Student Body president. That
type of shit could really hurt my reputation, now and going forward.
Even if he wouldn't expose my secret life to anyone else I felt so ashamed and powerless
when he saw me. One thing a gal could always control was whether a dude has seen her naked
or not. It was something we could always hold over a guy that was interested. Tease him
enough with sexy ass clothes and a little flirting here or there but make him imagination work
overtime in satisfying his curiosity. Even then, unless we decided to give them some, they
would forever be curious. Chasing cars. But that was taken from me and it was humiliating.
He saw me, with nothing left to the imagination. And for once, the class didn't seem like art at
all. Especially with my pussy on fire that night and me needing to masturbate just to get
myself under control.

His eyes weren't demeaning or cold. But they still had seen something they weren't suppose to
see.

I felt compromised when he stopped me near the parking lot. I could have kept walking and
ignored him, but I didn't. I wanted him to know I didn't appreciate what he did. I wanted him
to know our friendship, or whatever it was that we had, was destroyed by his little game of
invading my space. I paused the music I was listening to and give him a chance to say
whatever it was he had to say. When he was done, I would tell him off.
"Hey" he said.

I just looked at him. He coughed.

"I take it you are feeling some kind of way about the other night?" he asked.

"I'm feeling some kind of way about you being there, yes".

"I felt some kind of way about you being there too" he laughed. It was an uncomfortable
laugh. The kind you did when you were gauging another person. Wondering if they would see
the situation in a playful light.

"So you had no idea I would be there?" I asked him, but accusing him lying, just by the tone
of my voice.

"I swear. I never knew you....did that" he said.

"So what made you sign up for the class then? Since when are you into art?"

"I've always been to art. I signed up for the class because it would help be become better. I've
never taken a figure drawing class".

"Why didn't you take one on campus? There are plenty of art classes. And didn't you tell me
you were a religious studies and History major?"

He laughed, "My family pays for me to go to school and they weren't going to pay for a life
modeling class. I had to pay for it myself, and the class at the academy was much cheaper
than the 500 dollar course on campus".

He sounded like he was being honest. But there was only one way to find out.

"Let me see your work. I mean, if you are an art guy, you do have a portfolio right?"

He could sense the attitude in me but he remained calm. He reached into his satchel and
pulled out a book. He handed it to me. I snatched it from his hands as the wind blew around
us, wildly tossing my hair in my face. It was cold. Just like my eyes were to him before I
opened the book.
"That was my last art teacher. Mrs. Hughes. I chose her for my final project. She had such
unique facial features" he said.

I couldn't believe he was actually good. I wanted to believe so bad that he had set this entire
thing up. But as he moved closer to me and we flipped through his sketchbook, I knew that he
couldn't have faked this.
He laughed when I skipped to this page, I smiled a bit but quickly erased it from my face.

"And what is this?" I asked.

"Fooling around. I like to just draw random characters" he insisted.

I continued flipping.
He laughed, "I saw a magazine cover and I just started drawing it. Lil Wayne is an interesting
figure to draw".

I almost dropped the sketch book when I got to the last page. A face I was NOT expecting
was staring right back at me. Carter.
"Wow. When did you draw this?" I asked, studying the sketch for familiarity.

"I worked on it the past few weeks. I'm taking Mr. C's Philosophy class. I find myself wanting
to draw when I'm in that class. I don't think it's a very good sketch though. I did a lot of it
from memory".

"It looks just like him" I whispered under my breath.

"You think so?" he asked.

I was lost in the picture. His eyes. His jawline. His lips. I missed him so much, I couldn't even
front. And even a pencil drawn portrait of him could release those emotions that I had
whenever I thought about him. I wanted to ask Wallace could I have the drawing, but I knew
that wouldn't fly. Too many questions would be asked. Too many suspicions would be raised.
In fact, I had to now act like seeing the picture wasn't a big deal. I closed the book, content
that he was who he said he was, at least when it came to art.

"Carter had us taking an exam with the Who Want's To Be A Millionaire music playing last
week. Dude is hilarious. I like his style" Wallace said.

I smiled, but decided I would change the subject. Keep it off that man.

"You're good. I'm sorry I doubted the fact that you were serious about the art thing. I just
never knew it. You never mentioned it before" I said.

"Well. You never mentioned you modeled nude before" he said back.

Damn. Had me there. We both turned away from each other.

"Do you wanna see what I drew from the other night? At the class?" he asked to break the
silence.

"No. That's ok" I answered. I didn't want to see what his eyes saw. It would only embarrass
me even more. I think he took the hint.

"Well, Beyonce. I wanted to stop you that night because you seemed really upset. But you left
before I could stop you. So I just came over here today to let you know that I quit the class. I
could tell you were uncomfortable about my presence. I don't want you to be uncomfortable"
he said. He sounded sincere.

"You quit? After the class starts, you don't get any reimbursements".

"Yeah. But its cool".

"No it's not cool, Wallace. You paid your money. You be there".

"But doesn't it make you uncomfortable?"

"It would if I was there. I'll just get my friend to switch classes with me. Easy fix" I said.

He nodded as if he understood.

"So....I take it that by quitting that class. And avoiding me this week. You'll also be quitting
our friendship?" he asked boldly.

I didn't even know how to respond to such a question.

"I haven't been avoiding you" I lied.

"You've taken a different route to class. We usually always run into each other before class.
But not this week. Am I just trippin or am I right?" he smiled.

I decided to just be frank.

"Ok. Yeah, I avoided you. It's just weird you know? I don't want anyone at this school to
know that about me".

"I wouldn't tell anyone" he said.

"I believe that you wouldn't. But still. You're my church buddy. I can't have you seeing me
like that. You gotta feel where I'm coming from right?"

"I feel you. I just hope what I saw doesn't change things between us. I still want to be your
church buddy. Or just your buddy period. What I saw, doesn't make me think any less of you.
In fact, my impressions of you are even more enhanced. Tiff talked about you for almost an
hour before you came. Talked about how dedicated you were. How beautiful you were, inside
and out. How all of the artist loved you. And seeing you walk through that door was just
surreal. I think what you do is crazy cool".

"Thanks" I said, blushing like I always did when I received flattering compliments. His didn't
seem forced either. I could tell he meant what he said.

"So church buddy. Can I still look forward to seeing you make it out to at least one of our
Jesus Freak meetings? Trust me, it's fun. Not all dry and boring like you'd expect. You don't
have to dress up or be super Jesus'ed-out. Just come. We'll be good to you. Especially since
you might be able to get us more funding" he smiled.

His smile was nice. Nice white teeth. Very cute. In a young looking cute sort of way. I smiled
back.

"Ok, Wallace. I will come".

I had told him many times before I'd think about it. But for some reason, I agreed. I guess
secretly I was happy that I didn't have to hate him. He was back on my good side.

**

Me and Rih hadn't chilled with each other in a minute. Between my trip to Houston and my
school life, I just didn't have the time to really spend it with her. But I missed her. I could
never go too long without her being in my life. Her laughter, her smartass mouth, her
unorthodox beauty. I needed it around me. She was the one constant in my life at this point.

We decided to go see Paranormal Activity at the dollar movie. It was supposedly some super
scary ghost movie that was shot documentary style like the Blair Witch Project. Now I liked
scary movies, but I was also a fraidy cat. I was the one you heard screaming and jumping out
of the seat in the theaters. I liked to be scared, what can I say.

I didn't find masked serial killers all that scary. They seemed ridiculous to be honest. I loved a
good gore movie like Saw, I had seen all of them and didn't find them scary. But a ghost story
or a movie about spirits and demons? They scared the shit out of me. I watched the Exorcism
and was freaked out for months. I watched The Shining with Carter and had to sleep with a
night light for the night. I believed in the Judeo-Christian God, so of course that meant I
believed in demonic possession and spiritual warfare.

So when there was a movie about demons possession people or causing hell in a house, I took
that shit like it could happen in real life. It was real life to me. And Paranormal Activity's
documentary feel made it all the more real. I was jumping and cringing and really thinking
that maybe there was a spirit in my own home. I had heard weird things late at night.

Now this movie started out slow. I even got bored waiting for something to happen. All that
happened was they heard noises and saw doors close and stuff. And the guy was a real
asshole. But when the demon invaded the woman, and she started to act strange as hell.
Standing over the bed for hours and wandering outside and talking funny. It seriously freaked
me out. It made me think of people I knew that did crazy shit that was out of character. By the
time the last scene came up, I had nearly ripped off Rihannas arm. I was squeezing her hand,
tugging her arm, and just being an all out . She had to push me off of her numerous times.

I screamed louder than anyone else in the theater when those last 5 seconds happened. I loved
the way I was so afraid. The sign of a great scary movie.

I didn't realize that while we were at the theater I had received half a dozen calls from
Michelle. My phone had been on silent because I was in the theater. I called her back right
away to see what was up.

"Hey girl? You ok?" I asked.

"It's a mouse in the apartment. I needed you to go get some mouse traps but I already did it
now" she said.

"Eww. Where was it at?"

"The kitchen. I told you about leaving dishes in the sink. I freaking HATE rats, Bee. I refuse
to even leave my room".

I laughed, "Well I'm sorry. I was in the movie. Me and Rih are about to go back to her crib.
Will you be aight?"

"As soon as I catch it, I will be".

I laughed, "Call me when you do".

When we hung up, Rih looked over towards me.

"What was that about?"

"Shell told me she saw a mouse in the apartment. Said called me a bunch of times in the
theater so I could bring home a mouse trap. She said she went and got some though".
Rihanna frowned at this.

"What kind did she get?"

"Iono. She ain't tell me. Why?"

"Call her back and ask if she got the sticky trap or the snap trap, or what" Rihanna insisted.

"Why?" I laughed, not getting why it mattered.

"Just call her. Damn".

I rolled my eyes and called the girl back.

"I ain't catch it yet, Bee" she said when she picked up.

"I know. Rihanna wanted me to ask what kind of trap you got".

"Like the brand?" she asked.

"Nah. I think she meant like what kind of trap. The sticky kind?"

"Yeah. I got that because the man in walmart said I could hear it squeal and would know I got
it".

I relayed the answer back to Rihanna.

"Tell her to remove the sticky traps. We'll be there in half an hour" Rihanna said.

"What? Girl why?" I asked.

"Because I said so" Rihanna barked.

She had that mean look on her face. That RiRi scowl. I knew better than to argue with her.
She was so damn bossy and controlling. But it wasn't in a disrespectful way. It was cute. I just
laughed.

"Shell. Pick up the sticky traps. We'll be over there in a little bit. Rihanna's orders" I joked.

Rih drove straight to Wal-Mart and we purchased snap traps for mice. I didn't understand
what was the big deal but she seemed to make it one. She wasn't a member of PETA or
anything, but she really did feel some type of way about animals. I remembered certain
comments she made when Michael Vick was arrested for dog fighting. She told me how they
use to dog fight a lot in Brazil, and how she hated anyone involved with the torture of
animals. She said she looked at them and child abusers as one in the same. She said anyone
willing to hurt a defenseless animal on purpose was also capable of hurting a defenseless
person. I didn't quite see eye to eye on that with her. But I didn't argue. She was too
opinionated and passionate for me to really debate something that never thought about
seriously. And she did have the fact that the man that had raped her out of her virginity was an
avid dogfighter. She had that to back up her point.

When we got to my apartment, Michelle still hadn't picked up the sticky traps on the kitchen
floor. She was in her room. I called her out and she emerged wearing shoes and long socks.
Yeah, I could tell she didn't like mice. I had worked with them at the pet store. They weren't
too big of a deal to me. But then again, I once heard if you had one mouse, then you had an
infestation going on somewhere. So I guess it was important to get rid of this thing.

"Why did you want me to take up the traps?" Michelle asked at me, not really even
acknowledging RiRi.

"Rih wanted me to?" I answered. Michelle looked at her, wanting an answer.

"Glue traps are cruel and they leave a mess. Snap traps are much more efficient and they kill
the animal immediately" Rih said undeterred by the weird smirk on Michelle's face.

Michelle laughed. Not with her. At her. Michelle always thought Rihanna was an out there,
girl. She didn't like the way she dressed. The way she talked and cursed. Her tats and self
inflicted scars, and drug use, and ambiguous sexuality. She just thought Rih was a bad
influence and a sinful girl. This was why I never allowed them to mingle together, if I had a
choice. It was why I didn't invite Rihanna to Houston with me, but invited Michelle. Michelle
was much more acceptable to my family and friends. She was more like me, at least that is
what they thought.

"I don't find it funny, but anyway. How many of the sticky traps did you put out?" Rih asked.

"3 in the kitchen, one in the bathroom".

"Bee, could you pick up the one in the bathroom and I'll get the ones in the kitchen?" Rih
asked.

Michelle just continued laughing which was adding to the tension between them. I didn't want
to drama, I really didn't, so I went in the bathroom to remove the glue/sticky trap. When I
returned, Rihanna was placing the snap traps in various areas in the kitchen.

"Now what if we step on one on accident?" Michelle challenged.

"What if you were to step on a glue trap? Just be careful" Rih answered plainly.

"What is the difference? The snap trap seems more cruel to me. It just kills the thing. If I
caught it on a glue trap, I would just throw it away".

"You would throw it away with the mouse still living? Then it would starve to death. That's
unnecessarily cruel" Rih said.

Michelle laughed again, "Are you in PETA or something?"

"No. I'm not".

"But you are for animal rights?"

"No. I'm not for animal rights. I'm for animal welfare".

"What's the difference?" Michell grinned.

"Animal rights groups believe animals have the same rights as humans. I don't believe that. I
eat animals. We use animals for testing purposes. We use them for transportation and fishing.
I'm not against that. I'm against people causing pain to animals when it's not necessary".

Michelle rolled her eyes, "But isn't it necessary in this instance? You think Ima let some dirty
rodent be running all in my kitchen? Dropping poo everywhere? No. Ima get it out of my
house at any cost".

"No one suggested you let it roam free in your house. You did see that I bought traps didn't
you?"

"Yeah, but you are up here talking about unnecessary pain. It don't make sense to me. It is
necessary. It's a stupid mouse. It's in MY house. He's GOT to go".

Rihanna shook her head "You are acting like the mouse knows better. Like it knows it
shoudn't have came into your house. You can't punish it for being what it is. Look. I'm not
telling you to live with the damn thing. But if you have two options. Two traps that both get
rid of it. Why would you pick the one that tortures the animal?"

"Maybe you would be thinking about all that. I don't care. Shoot. I'd kill it with boiling water
if I had to. Those things carry diseases. And I think a snap trap will cause blood to spurt out.
It's not clean, Rihanna. And I don't think I should be worried about being nice about killing it.
It's gonna die anyway".

"Boiling water? Are you freaking insane? Why not just use a quick kill trap so the animal dies
quickly, rather than having to suffer ? Or are you going to use the excuse "they're just mice"
to justify needless cruelty? I don't know about you, but I think it's wrong to make a mouse
suffer in a prolonged way. If you need to kill a mouse, do so humanely and quickly... if you
think torturing it to death is OK, then something is wrong with you. Mice can't help what they
are".

"Something is wrong with me for killing a mouse? Child boo. I bet you think it's wrong to
step on bugs too".

Rihanna was mad now, "First of all. Again. I'm not saying it's wrong to kill a mouse. I'm
saying it's wrong to do it cruelly. That's sub-human behavior. Secondly, are you going to sit
here and compare a bug to a mammal? Bugs don't have nervous systems. They don't feel pain.
A mouse is similar to human in their makeup. They feel fear. They feel pain. They feel
hunger. And anyone that would laugh at their suffering because they are bigger and smarter is
a morally shallow person".

"Morals? Chick are you crazy? You want to talk about morals? Girl, bye. You don't want to
go there" Michelle spat.

I was watching in horror. How did this shit happen over a disagreement on mouse traps?

"Yall stop" I said.

"No. Let your friend tell me about her white Jesus and how that makes her morally superior to
me, even though she see's nothing wrong with torturing animals" Rih said.

"Rih, she didn't say she torturers animals" I said, trying my best to defuse this ticking time
bomb.
"She didn't?!?! The girl said she would poor boiling water on a defenseless animal. How
about I throw boiling water on her? Just because I don't like her? That is what she is
recommending doing to the damn mouse. People call animals dirty and nasty but humans will
always be the dirtiest and nastiest animals on this planet".

"You sound like a darn fool. Go to Africa and go live in the jungle. Your crazy self would fit
in better there anyway" Michelle said.

"Classy" Rih said before turning to me.

"Bee. I don't get how you do it. I could never be around someone that gets their jollies off on
cruelty to defenseless or smaller things just because they can. The type of person that would
kick a dog just because they can. Or punch a baby in the stomach just because they can. It's
like she has a PROBLEM with me caring about animals. Like, why would you be AGAINST
what I am saying? And then laugh at it? Like I said, she's morally shallow".

"You are a hypocrite and I hate the save the earth people like you that eat meat and then
complain about hurting animals. Do drugs and then complain about the environment".

"Of course I eat meat. People are made to eat meat. We are biologically predisposed to be
omnivores. Our teeth indicate that. The fact that we can't have a healthy diet without meat
unless we take supplements, which are in fact made from animal testing, proves that we are
meat eaters. And like I said. I'm not an animal rights advocate. I'm just against cruelty. Killing
something quickly for food and killing them slowly because you don't like them are two
different things. You can make this about me. I'm making this about the issue. Glue traps are
the dirtiest and most inhumane traps there are. And anyone that would laugh at me telling
them that is morally shallow".

"Say's the girl who cuts herself with a knife. You are bat crazy. You should be in a mental
institution somewhere. Know what. Get out of my house. And give me back the glue traps.
You can take your snap traps with you" Michelle said.

I had never seen her like that, Michelle that is. She had told my best friend off. And now she
was kicking her out of the apartment that we shared?

Rihanna looked at Michelle. Then she looked at me. She looked back at Michelle as if she had
to calm herself down.

"You don't have to like me, Michelle. I'm fine with that. I have never liked you and I'm glad
you have given me something to confirm my feelings about you. But lets not make this about
me. This is just about not being a complete inhuman person for no reason. You may think I'm
crazy. But I think crazy is being indifferent to cruelty. Maybe I don't have it all. Maybe I do
struggle with my own faults. That makes me human. But supporting something that hurts
others without justification? That makes someone less human. Let me tell you what I saw
with my own eyes 15 years ago. My family had a mouse problem and my mother purchased a
glue trap. The person that sold them to us said they scent would attract the mouse and it would
walk on it and get stuck. We believed that was an easy enough way to get rid of our problem.
I came home from school one day and I heard the damn mouse squealing in the kitchen. The
poor mouse had half its face stuck on the glue, patches of its skin was ripped off because it
was struggling to free itself. Its eyeball was loose, one of his hind legs was broken, and he
was squeaking pitifully. It was also attempting to chew its own limb off. As far as animal
cruelty goes, this was one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. And to top it off, it had
shitted everywhere from being so frightened. It was a bloody, shitty, painful mess. I got angry
when I read the trap instructions ....it told me to simply dispose of animal by putting the trap
in the trash".

Both Michelle and me were both listening to Rihanna talk as she recalled this. She seemed to
be on the verge of even shedding a tear.

"My sister wanted the screaming to stop. I wanted the screaming to stop. So I did the most
humane thing I could think of. Took a spare brick from our garage and a plastic bag and
crushed it's head. I felt horrible for doing it. But it was a mercy kill. I had no idea glue traps
were that cruel, but I later found research that also spoke on how these things were horrible.
Some places have even banned their use. Ever since then, I've told anyone who has a mouse
to get a snap trap because it's quick and doesn't torture the animal. Look, I have no qualms
about people getting rid of mice. They're pests and must be managed. But at the same time, I
see them as animals being animals - they're only doing what they do to survive, they're not
causing you harm on purpose. They feel pain, they feel fear and are aware of their own
mortality. And you know pain sucks, so why inflict pain when you don't have to? It is
inevitable that we cross paths with animals, so too is killing. But does it have to be incredibly
painful? No. Cruelty can't be avoided entirely, but it can be minimised... and when in
situations like this, we should be doing that. Otherwise, we are no better than the other
animal".

When Rihanna was done, she turned and left. She had tears in her eyes by this time. Michelle
seemed to be shocked by her whole diatribe. I followed told Michelle I would be staying with
Rihanna the night. She chuckled to herself but didn't say a word. I left with Rih and when I
tried to talk to her about this argument that came out of nowhere, she just changed the subject.
I wondered if she was somehow mad at me because of her argument with Michelle. I couldn't
call it. But after she told me her story, I now saw where she was coming from. She had such a
pure spirit and kind heart. So kind, that most people wouldn't even be able to take it serious.
Rihanna lived in a world where people didn't take her serious. But I did. I really did.

I was scared that night when it was time for bed. I usually slept on the sofa when I spent the
night but I kept thinking about the demons from Paranormal Activity. I ended up in Rih's
bedroom, under her covers, and complaining because she wouldn't let me turn on her lamp.

"If I woulda known you would be this scared. I wouldn't have even let you see it" she
laughed.

"Just don't become possessed, and I'll be ok" I smiled.

She giggled, rolled her eyes, and turned over. Our backs were to each other and that is how
we slept. Butts touching.

**

I ended up switching places with Rihanna. She took the class that had Wallace and I took the
next night. I wouldn't tell her why I wanted to switch, but I begged her and she eventually
agreed. This turned out to be a good arrangement, mostly because the class Rih had was an
advanced drawing course. There were a lot of familiar faces in the class, artist that had drawn
me before. What I also liked about it was that it wasn't all nude. There were times they were
only suppose to focus on drawing my arm or leg or something like that in detail. There were
also times when I was joined by another model and they drew us interacting. One night, my
co-model was a dark skinned man from Kenya. His body was incredible, which made it very
erotic for us to both be facing each other in the nude. He was married, I could tell by his
wedding ring, which made it seem slightly like cheating when I saw him looking at more than
my eyes.

Even though I lobbied for the switch, I still was kicking myself for taking it to seriously. In
the three years that I had been doing this, I really didn't see my nudity as something to be
shameful of. I loved my body. Nakedness was natural. It was beautiful. Even the overweight
and elderly people that I saw posing nude had beauty all in them. I loved that these classes
taught me that anyone could be beautiful. I was mad that I had let myself forget that my
nakedness wasn't a bad thing. When I saw Wallace there, I completely lost sight of that. I
wondered if I really had grown. Sure I could do it in front of strangers or people that never
had to interact with me outside of the classroom. But I didn't allow Carter to watch. I didn't
tell even my friends what I did. Why was that? Why was I so selective about something I was
actually proud of?

Rihanna told me a few weeks after we made the switch that she had someone in the class that
had commissioned her for a private session. She said he had gone to the teacher to ask for
help with drawing realistic torsos and feet, and she suggested paying extra for one of the
models to give him a private session where he could get all of the practice he needed. Rihanna
was always down for a private session, but when she told me it was a young looking cat, my
heart started racing.

"His name wouldn't happen to be Wallace, would it?"

She laughed, "Damn, how you know?"

I shook my head. "When yaw gon do this?"

"Usually I always make the client provide the place. But he doesn't have a place of his own.
Lives in the dorms. So I told him he could do it at my crib. He seemed innocent enough. But I
need you there to chaperone" she said.

"When?" I asked again.

"This weekend".

"How much he paying you?" I asked.

She looked suspiciously, "Why you care so much?"

"No reason. Just curious" I lied.

"Do you like this boy or something?"

"No. I barely know him".

"What if I told you I was gonna f*ck him this weekend after he drew my naked ass?"

I pretended like I didn't care, "Gon head. Don't bother me none".

The next day at school I was asking him about it.

"So you been having problems?"

"Yeah. I'm good at certain things. I think I do well with portraits. but I don't do so well with
drawing the rest of the body. It's a lot harder than it looks. And i haven't had much practice
from live models".

"So who did you get to agree to the private session?"

"The girl that replaced you. I forget her name. Starts with a R, though".

"Rihanna" I told him.

"Yeah. That's her. She's a funny girl. She talks a lot while up there" he smirked.

I didn't like him calling her cute.

"Cute like, you wanna date her cute?" I asked.

He seemed taken back.

"Um. I mean cute as in she's cute".

"Oh"

"You jealous?" he laughed.

"No. Just asking".

"You still coming to the meeting tonight?" he asked.

I smiled, "Yeah. I'll be there. How long is it?"

"No longer than an hour".

"See you there" I said before leaving for lunch.

That night I came to the bible club he had been inviting me to for God knows how long. It
was a lot of people there I had never even seen before. But of course, they knew me. A few
applauded when i walked in. Most everyone was casually dressed. Fitteds, Jordans, Forever
21, the usual fashion you saw on campus. Wallace was maybe the only guy that didn't look
dressed down. I found out that he was the one doing the leading the study. He seemed happy
that I did make it.
We started off playing a sort of Bible Trivia, with teams. I hadn't studied the bible in a while,
but I was brought up on it and most of the trivia questions were basic. I ended up being the
go-to person for getting the answers right. Wallace and me were both on the first team the
same round and we slaughtered the competition. To switch it up, we switched teams which
made it a lot more competitive. I may have been raised on the bible, even having to study it
everyday with my tutor, Wallace was planning to actually become a minister later in life. He
had told me that was what his father was and wanted him to follow in his footsteps. It was
easy to see he was well on his way, at least when it came to being knowledgeable enough.

I liked Wallace, or at least the image he had presented to me, but I still realized this was all
presentation. It wasn't as if I knew him at his core. I didn't know what made him tick. And
even though he was a nice guy and seemed to be doing all of the right things, I knew that
people could change at any moment. I dated Chris for a year and tried my absolute best to
love him through his faults, but the nice guy turned into a jerk just like the rest. I was sure that
there was something about Wallace that would manifest and remind me why I shouldn't give
him a chance.
I noticed something about me. The more I told myself that I didn't want or need a man, the
more I had to look for reasons to convince myself that it was the right thing to do. Usually,
when a guy approached me, I would find something wrong with them quickly. If I found
something wrong, I could push right on by. I got hollered at on the daily, so my mind became
quite good at picking up on flaws. Maybe it was hygiene, or me not respecting their major, or
knowing they had dated someone I didn't like before. But I always found SOMETHING to
dismiss them and their advances. If all else failed, I'd just remember that I was still in love
with Carter. That usually did the trick.

Tell me why I couldn't find something wrong with Wallace? 5 months of knowing him, and
he was still perfectly clean. I needed to get some dirt on this Godly artist. I wasn't going to
find any of this night though. Once the trivia was done, we talked about sex. An open ended
discussion about God and sex and fornication and virginity. This was when I found out that
Wallace was still a virgin.

"Why do yall think we have a pre-occupation with virginity?" Wallace asked.

No one immediately responded.

"I mean. Nowadays. The entire "virgin" thing can be harmful. It helps to reinforce the
medieval belief that a woman is more valuable if she has never had sex. I can't help but loathe
beliefs that are rooted in humankind's most ignorant past. Like for sure, being a virgin is
something that we shouldn't be ashamed of and can be proud of. But does a person really lose
their value if they aren't? Is it something that is "lost"?

One of the guys answered, "For women, that's how it's perceived. It's a lot of pressure on them
to be virtuous women. While men aren't counted on like that. Women even back in the bible
days were stoned if they didn't bleed on their wedding day. I mean. And the whole Virgin
Mary thing only adds to it. To have God in you, as a woman, you gotta be a virgin.
Perception".

"But isn't Gods grace sufficient? Is losing your virginity and or fornicating really something
that should have us lose value? Does any other sin make us less valuable? Doesn't value go
back to how women use to be sold to a mans family to be a bride? Trading cows and spices
for a virgin. Are we past that? Or is it the same thing, just in the 21st century?" Wallace
asked.

He looked around the room. His eyes found mine.

"You lookin like you are bursting with comments" he smiled.

I laughed. I don't know why I was acting shy. I had spoken in front of so many people. This
group of 20 or so people wasn't nothing. I mean I stripped every week for Gods sake. But I
was nervous. I found it cool to see young people discussing sex in such a philosophical and
biblical way. In a way that my parents would never discuss it. Wallace and his group, the
Jesus Freaks, instead challenged their beliefs and their assumptions and even the Bible itself. I
said something about virginity being important because no man wants a woman everyone else
has had; something that I remembered Carter telling me. A few people nodded, but Wallace
disagreed.

"Sex isn't the only way to have a woman" he said to me.

We ended up moving on from the subject and talking about if the marriage bed was undefiled.
Meaning was oral sex and anal sex and porn sinful if you were married. It was a fun topic.
Everyone seemed to have an opinion. This one girl, who was a virgin, laughed that she would
never give her future husband head. The men booed. We all laughed. The hour went by quick
and I honestly had to admit that I enjoyed myself. Before we left, we had prayer. Wallace had
everyone go around and pray something. I prayed that everyone would be safe on their way
home. Wallace prayed that everything we discussed in this room would be acceptable to God.

Something about the meeting made me call Rihanna that night. I didn't want it to be obvious
why I was calling so I made sure to have a normal conversation with her before bringing him
up again. I slipped him in when I told her about my night.

"Yeah. I went to a Jesus Freak meeting. It was actually fun. We talked about sex tonight" I
giggled.

"At a bible study? The hell kind of new age shit is that? Did yall pray missionary style too?"

I laughed, "Nah it wasn't like that. Just like an open discussion on sex. Virginity and marriage
and stuff".

"Sounds fun" she said sarcastically.

"Your boy was there" I said.

"Who?"

"Wallace"
"Who?" she asked again.

I laughed, "WALLACE. The guy that is pose to draw you tomorrow".

"Oh...cute boy. He was there? He a Jesus Freak?"

"Yep. A virgin too. How about that".

"I might have to change that this weekend" she said, not joking.

"Girl. You serious?"

She laughed, "Why won't you just admit you like this boy? I'm just f*cking with you because
I can tell you like him".

"I wouldn't say I like him. I'm just....intrigued by him. He's weird. In a good way. Not easy to
read" I said.

"What about your on and off again boyfriend teacher?"

"Carter? I don't know, Rih. I haven't talked to him none. I guess we truly are through. I mean I
love him and everything but I can't stop my life. I can't rewind time. I can't make him love me
back or want to talk to me. I just have to keep it moving, I guess".

"You think your teacher is testing you? You said he likes to observe you. You don't think he's
just waitng to see if you are going to start messing with other dudes so quick? I mean, yall
been broken up what? 2 months?"

"Yeah. 2 months. But honestly, Rih. He can go to hell if that is what he is doing. HE broke up
with ME. I can't sit up here and go back and forth with him. If he hates me, then he hates me.
He'll always look for reasons to hate me, no matter what I do. I apologized for what I did. I
don't have it in me to keep apologizing for it while he punishes me with games".

"That's them older dudes for you. Just as childish as anyone else. I always thought the man
just wanted to control you because you were younger and so infatuated with him. I say f*ck
em. You deserve better, Bee".

"Like Wallace?" I smiled.

She laughed to herself and changed the subject. I called Wallace the next morning and told
him that I wanted him to draw me. I told Rihanna we would split the money since we would
be using her apartment. Rih wasn't tripping or anything when I told her. She said she already
could tell I was a jealous chick that wanted everything to myself. Even a guys crush. And she
was right. I wasn't trying to date Wallace. I didn't want to date anyone. Not while I was still
feeling so much for another man. It wouldn't be fair to start yet another relationship with a
guy while my heart belonged to someone else. But I couldn't act like I wasn't curious about
exploring Wallace. And the jealous side of me wanted him to be able to explore me again,
artistically. I was going to let him see me yet again, this time, in a private setting. This time, I
wasn't going to be angry at him for looking.

He came over around 7. The sky had become dark and the temperature dropped. Rihanna was
in her room watching a movie, or porn, or something. I had just got out of the shower, where I
had masturbated and made sure I wouldn't be overly aroused when he started. I didn't want to
make this a sexual experience. I DID believe that life drawing could be nothing but sexual.
The night Wallace saw me was nothing but a sexual session. But I also believed that life
drawing could also be spiritual. I wanted this to be spiritual. No hanky panky. Just helping a
friend by allowing him to get some much needed practice.

I had the sofa set up. Set up like how Leo had the sofa set up on Titanic before he drew Kate
Winslet. The focus was going to be on the front of me. My torso and my feet. Wallace said he
had a ton of issues drawing feet that looked like feet. I did my nails and made sure my feet
were soft and lovely when he took his time looking at them. When he came to the door, I was
in my robe and slippers. I had the heater on. He took off his jacket and looked around.

"Where is Rihanna at?" he asked.

"In the room. She's here just in case you wanna try something" I joked. The ice broke a bit
and he laughed.

He had his materials with him including charcoal pencils and drawing paper. He was paying
me for a 2 hour session. He didn't have any time to waste. No small talk, he sat down at a desk
and waited for me. He was looking at me like a man looks at a woman. You know the look.

I reminded him that this was strictly professional. He nodded and some of the lust fled his
eyes. I let my robe drop to the floor and stood once again before him completely bare of any
clothing or jewelry. I sat on the couch, then laid out, and looked at him directly in his eyes. I
wondered what he saw. Did he say shapes. Or did he see nudity.

"Draw what you see" I told him, remembering what I had heard instructors say over the years.

And for the next 2 hours minutes, Wallace drew me. I took a break a few times and marked
my spot, but for the most part I remained still and let him work his magic. I didn't feel
ashamed being naked in front of him this time. I felt strong while still feeling vulnerable.
Excited without being aroused. Beautiful while still knowing I was imperfect.

Wallace was suppose to be drawing a full body drawing of me. And during this session he
became intense in his glares.
He no longer had those lustful eyes. Just the artistic eyes. Once the sound of the charcoal
scratching the paper filled the air, the sexual tension started to die out. He was focused. I
expected to see my breast and vagina and belly button and neck and arms and of course my
feet, on full display. But he took my words to a totally different spot. I had told him to draw
what he saw. And he drew what he saw. It wasn't my nakedness.

Just my eyes. Two hours. And he drew two eyes. Just as vivid and detailed as they ever
looked in the mirror.

**

"So why are you studying religion if you don't want to be a minister?" Rihanna asked as she
sipped her milkshake.

"My dad wants me to follow in his footsteps. I'm in training to become the youth pastor at my
church" Wallace said.

"But you don't want to?" I asked.

"It's not that I don't want to. I don't mind ministry. It's a good way to help people and make a
living. But I have other things I want to do outside of the church. Art is one. But they pay for
my schooling, you know? So it ain't like I can just take whatever I want to take" he said.

"But you are really good, though. You should be able to have some sort of control over what
you do. You really have talent. That special eye for art" I said, meaning it.

He blushed and bit into his burger. He had decided to take me and Rih out for dinner. Dinner
for a freshman in college meant a burger, shake, and fries at Checkers. It came to no more
than 25 extra dollars added to what he paid for the private session.

"So why aren't you in school, Rihanna?" he asked her.

I felt my jealousy kicking in. I wanted him kicking it with me. Not her too.

"Didn't want to. I personally think college is a scam anyway. An extension of that American
Dream bullshit they teach to us. Oh my bad. I meant bullcrap" she said.

He laughed, "BS is fine. Don't change the way you talk around me. Cursing doesn't bother
me".

"What does bother you? Name 3 things that bother you" I challenged.
"Crooked pastors. Racist. Male Chauvinist"

Rihann's eyes widened, "You just saying that to get points, ain't cha?"

He laughed, "Nah. My mom is a feminist. Raised me to be sensitive to those kind of things.

My biological dad was a male Chauvinist, among other things. He abused both me and my
brother and my mother. He stabbed me with a piece of glass one time. Got the scar on my
stomach to prove it. Having experienced it, I know how it can destroy families and
communities.

Rihanna smiled hard, "2 points. Maybe even 3".

He laughed.

I didn't like their laughing.

"What happened to your biological father?" I asked him.

"He's in prison. Got another 5 years before he is up for parole. My mother married again a few
years after he went away. Married a pastor. I consider him my father. He's a good dude" he
said.

"Do you hate your biological father?" Rihanna asked.

Wallace smiled, "Nah. I don't hate him. Life is too short to go around hating people. I forgave
him".

Rihanna liked the way he talked. She even told me after he left that she thought he was worth
giving some. I didn't even know at this point if she was still flirting to get under my skin or if
she really would pursue him. I wasn't ready to pursue anything with him, but I didn't want her
to either.

"Rih. He is a Godly man anyway" I said, trying to convince her that he wasn't her type.

"Hey. Must I remind you of all the Godly men that fell for the seductresses like me? Need I
remind you I own the Art of Seduction? Sampson. King David. Adam. They all couldn't say
no to a woman. Shit. Give me five minutes with the boy and I'd have him calling my name".

"Well can you promise me something?" I asked.

"Sure. Wassup?"

"Promise me you won't do anything with him".

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I do like him, ok? You happy?"

She smiled, "Thank you".

"For what?"
"For finally being honest with me. I don't want that boy. But I was going to see how long
you'd front like you didn't. Letting him draw your naked ass" she giggled, "You ain't slick,
nigga. Fast ass".

"How would I go about keeping him to myself without actually dating him or sexing him?" I
asked.

"Girl. Do you need to borrow some of my books? It ain't hard. His nose is already open for
you. You are already his ideal heart breaker".

"I don't want to break his heart. I just want to get to know him better before I jump into
anything. Plus, I'm still on the fence about him being a freshman and all".

She rolled her eyes, "I swear. I don't think I will ever understand you, Beyonce. If love was
blind, you'd have 20/20 vision".

We went back to her apartment and watched Martin.

Chapter 31

From: S.Carter@yahoo.com
To: QueenBey_2005@yahoo.com
Date: March 2, 2010

Leave it to my daughter to be the spark for this inferno that is now consuming me. I don't
listen to much of the newer r&b music out. You know me. I've always been more of a Stevie
Wonder, Isley Brothers, Al Green type of dude. And if I'm listening to some newer school slow
music, it's the not-so-new school artist of the 90's like Jodeci and R. Kelly and Maxwell.

Shaun was playing music all day today. Mostly slow music. I wondered why she was even
listening to slow jams. I questioned her. Apparently she has a boyfriend now. Some guy at
school that she likes. Already? I didn't think I'd have to deal with this for another few years.
But when I was in her room I noticed one of the songs she had playing. it was from one of
Usher's newer CDs. I didn't know the name of it. But the words, what little I caught, brought
me back to December.

The song is called Moving Mountains.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBT5YLsi-f8

I had to play it off that I was even listening to it. But when I left Shaun's room I went in my
own room and downloaded it from itunes. I needed to hear it. And 2 hours later, I'm still
listening. 2 hours later, and I realize more than ever that I've never let you go. I've been alone
most of my life so I have been accustomed to dealing with it. I've had girlfriends here and
there, but I never allowed any of them to get close to me. They always said I was too cold.
Full of shit. Incapable of loving or trusting.

I never once argued against it. I knew inside, that it was all true. I wasn't capable of trusting
or loving. I couldn't trust because I felt insecure about myself. I never thought I was all that
attractive growing up, so I made sure to compensate for that by dressing the best and
smelling the best. But even though I could buy some attraction, I never felt comfortable in
securing commitment. When I started dating Rosario in college, I didn't trust her from the
beginning. She was a beautiful woman. Extremely intelligent. More intelligent than I was. I
felt out of her league.

She took a liking to me, but I never trusted it. I always thought there was something fishy
about a girl like that wanting to be with a guy like me. So I questioned her. Every single step
of the way, I questioned her. I was possessive. Controlling. And cold. Our arguments, weren't
based on her going out and doing me wrong even though that was how I would portray it. It
was because I never was willing to trust her love for me. When we broke up, and her family
told me they didn't need me around to care for a child I doubted, I was relieved. Relieved in
the same way you were when you wrote that poem about the miscarriage.

I now didn't have to love anyone or try to. I didn't have to be close to anyone. My family still
see's me as an outsider. Rosario's family see's my as an outsider. I don't have many close
friends. All I had was my work. My work was my life. And then I met you.

I met someone so full of life. So much life, that it was rubbing off on me. Meeting you was like
giving myself new life. You came into my life when I was depressed, lonely, and afraid I'd
never be loved again. And you did nothing but love me. I tried to run you off, tried to frustrate
you, tried to distance myself from you. But for every step I walked away, you walked two
steps. Eventually, you were always two steps ahead of me. And I couldn't help myself any
longer. I wasn't in control. You were. And I fell in love with you.

I loved Rosario. I've had strong feelings for other women that I dated. But I never felt for any
of them, the way I felt for you the night we held hands and watched Lion King on Broadway.
Just looking in your eyes as you experienced something new. I was able to see life in a new
way, just by seeing your reaction to the abundance of life that was all around. You had me
there. Before we ever had sex. You had me.

I sit here thinking about how we even came to be. From student and teacher to lovers. Loving
each other in my car, in my classroom, in the locker rooms, and any other place where we
could have privacy for five minutes. Passionate love making. And I remember kissing your
collar bone. I remember every beauty mark that I kissed. I remember every spot on your body
that could make you jump. The right of your neck and the inside of your thigh, to be specific.

I've studied a lot of subjects in my lifetime. I've received a PHD. I'm an expert. But there is
not one subject I have explored more intimately and passionately than Beyonce Knowles.
You're the one subject I never tire of, always want more of. And since you've been gone, I've
missed everything about you. The smell of your hair in the morning. The way you would wrap
your leg around me after we finished making love and were ready to sleep. The way you
wrapped yourself in my arms. I find myself being unable to sleep in my bed, because it's
missing you.

Beyonce. I f*cked up. I told the one person I love with all of my heart (aside from my
daughter), that I hate them. And I don't hate you. My breakdown is a reflection of how much I
do love you. I'm just afraid of you. I'm afraid of you wising up and deciding you don't want
me anymore. Afraid that you weren't who you said you were and that you had motives for
being with me. My money or the fact that i helped with your rise through the school. And
these doubts consumed me when we got back together.

When I found out you lied to me. I was numb. Completely numb. All I could hear in my head,
was thoughts telling me that I should have known from the get go that you weren't true. It was
all too much to take at once. Knowing you had been pregnant. Knowing you slept with the
drug dealer after you had told me you didn't. Knowing at one point you had ill feelings
towards my child. And just accepting that you could lie to me about those things. I felt like
everything we built was a lie.

Bey. I could lose my entire life. My career. My reputation. My respect. I could lose everything
just because I want you. How do you think it made me feel to know I was risking everything
for someone that was lying to me? I needed complete honesty from you to make sure both of
our asses would be protected. Protected from what? Heart break and the public finding out
about this romance that was so passionate but so morally wrong. I needed you to be 100%
with me, Beyonce. No lies between us. No secrets. No skeletons in our closet. And you let me
down. And I felt betrayed. Felt like you didn't take my sacrifice to be with you seriously.

I was willing to lose it all, to be with you. I'm 35, Bey. I don't have the entire world in the
palm of my hands. All I had is your hand. And it was enough for me. Even if conventional
wisdom said you were only 20 and would grow out of love with me the more you matured. To
this day, I don't know if my decision to pursue you was the best decision I ever made, or the
worst, because my heart remains suspended in limbo.

I don't know what to expect from here on out regarding us. I don't know if you'll ever forgive
me for the way I reacted and I don't know if my heart will ever forgive you for what I feel was
betrayal. I don't know if this is a comma or a period on the chapter between us. But I do know
that you are the only woman I have ever been in love with, and have been willing to risk
everything to be with.
Even now...

Shawn

From: QueenBey_2005@yahoo.com
To: S.Carter@yahoo.com
Date: March 3, 2010

Thanks a lot Shaun. Thanks.A.Lot. LOL

I am crying my eyes out. And I hate you for it Shawn Carter. I hate you for doing this to me.
And I hate you for ending your email with an ambiguous statement.

"Even Now"

Even now what? What does that mean? I'm so frustrated because even after you spilled your
heart to me I still don't feel any closer to finding out what we are. What are we? But a
complicated love story with two lovers that don't know how to love each other when it matters
most. I love you. I have never stopped loving you. But you waited THREE MONTHS to tell me
this?

I can't stop crying because I told you. TOLD you to not try to ease back in my life if you broke
up with me again. And you still went ahead and shattered my heart. Shawn. I can't keep doing
this. I can't keep picking up these pieces of my heart and trying to put them back in place. A
heart isn't meant to be repaired this many times. And even though you words are like new life
to me, I have the hardest time accepting them because I spent THREE months purging you
from my system. You can't keep doing this, man. You can't keep throwing me away and
forcing me to move on, while you wait until you are ready to come back in with the sweetest
words I have ever heard.

There is no place I would rather be, IN THIS WORLD than laying next to you in your bed
right now. Holding you as you hold me. Kissing you as you kiss me. Loving you as you love
me. But on the flipside, the one place in the world I NEVER want to go again is on the side of
that road as you drive off, leaving me alone and cold and empty. Shawn, in the nearly four
years we have been playing this dangerous game, I have tried. TRIED to accept an us with no
label or security. But I can't do that anymore. My heart can't take it.

I no longer feel confident in this "whatever happens, happens" logic we base our hearts on. I
want you. But I can't have you. Not until I graduate. Not until you feel comfortable telling
Shaun. Not until I stop being mad at you for leaving me on the side of that road. Not until you
forgive me for lying. Sure we can have sex. Great sex. Passionate sex. Unbelievable sex. And
that can make us think we're all good. But those same problems are still there. And until they
are dead, buried, and gone, then we will never be able to have each other. Not each others
heart.

Forget moving mountains. I'm not confident that our foundation is even strong enough to
move a grain of sand. We don't trust each other. And the more we deny that the more we will
continue to break each others heart.

I am sorry that I lied to you. I was wrong. I was ashamed. And I didn't want you to think of
me differently if you knew the truth.
But now. I realize if you can't love me even if i've had more sexual partners than you like.
Even if I've had one night stands. Even if I had a STD. Even if I made a ton of mistakes. Then
what good is the connection we have?

You said you don't know what your message to me was. Well, I will tell you straight up what
my response to you is.

I love you. I unconditionally love you. I'm in love with you. But Shawn Carter. I love myself
too. I love myself even more. And I am unwilling, in this last semester, knowing our problems
still exist, and sexually frustrated, to give in to this moment. I'd rather continue picking up the
pieces of my heart than run back to you with half a heart. If you need to hear it from me. Then
here it is. I still believe in us. But I don't believe that YOU believe in us. You believe in our
connection, our chemistry, our love making, and our sweet nothings. But you don't, and you
never have believed in our future. And that hurts me, even now.

Even now...

Bey

I refused to do it again. Not on his terms, anyway. My heart couldn't be controlled like that.
Yes, I was wrong. I accept full responsibility for it. But I can't go three months thinking the
man hates me and then just run back to him with no sense of security whatsoever. It was too
much of a headache. I was this close to graduating as Valedictorian. I was this close to leaving
FAMU with a positive rating as president. I didn't have it in me for another heart thumping
roller coaster ride.

I had to call Rihanna the night I wrote Carter his email. I read his over and over again and
went the entire day thinking about what I'd say back to him. If I would have responded when I
first read it, I would have begged him to take me back and let me come over so we could
make up. That was what I wanted. But I didn't want love making to fuel our reconcile. We
needed more than that to survive the breakdown that happened in his car. I love you and an
orgasm couldn't fix us anymore. We had trust issues. He had controlling issues. I had honesty
issues. And then we had code of ethic issues that prevented us from carrying on this
relationship publicly. I didn't want to hide anymore. I felt like I deserved more than hiding
who I loved.

So I would rather just not love than deal with all of that. I'd rather remain single.

"So what are you gonna do?" Rihanna asked me after I had told her about our exchange of
emails.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing".

"And what about Wallace?" she asked.

"Nothing on that end either. That wouldn't be fair to him. I wouldn't be all in".

"So you're good then? Right?"

"Almost good. I'm still crazy backed up. I'm being strong though. I'm not going to have
anymore f*ckups like Wiz. A lot of dudes have been trying to holla at me. But I don't want
none of it. Been there done that" I said.
She laughed, "I'm impressed. No On Demand D*ck for you? I remember when I was 20, I had
a lot of that. Multiple dudes I could get to come scratch that itch before sending their ass
home. Can you believe I been going strong for a year now?" she asked.

I had to think, but I realized she was right. She had been celibate for pretty much a year. Her
sexually crazed ass.

"How did you do it? You love sex so much, I wouldn't imagine that you'd go this long".

She looked at me "So you think ima ho huh?".

I laughed, "Yep".

We both laughed.

"Honestly. I just been chilling. Finding myself. Hanging with my girls. Focusing on work.
And you know I got sex toys for days. That rabbit is something else. It keeps me good" she
said.

"I think I def need some more sex toys. For some reason when I masturbate I still prefer my
fingers. I be thinking I don't have the right toy or something".

"Bee, you seriously must suck as pleasuring yourself. You always talmbout how you ain't
doing something right. I could see if it was for f*cking someone else. But f*cking yourself?
How ya don't f*ck yourself good?" she smirked.

"I guess I'm just more sexually stimulated by f*cking someone else, not myself. I mean, I can
cum from masturbation. It's just not all that intense. It's not like being d*cked down or ate out.
Always feels like something is missing. Like, I can't ride a toy or get hit from the back by a
toy. It ain't real enough" I said.

"Come on" she barked, before standing up and reaching for her purse.

"Where to?"

"Sex shop. Get you something you can ride and get f*cked doggystyle with. It will help you
through this drought and keep you on the straight and narrow" she encouraged.

What can I say. I did feel like I needed something that would satisfy the hunger I felt sexually.
I knew I had been turned out, by Carter or Rih or Wiz, or all of the experienced combined.
But a switch had been turned on inside of me. A switch that revealed I was a freak. Rihanna
told me she thought both me and Solange were freaks because of how sheltered we were
growing up. She said girls from strict homes always got turned out when they left home.
Maybe she was right.

Inside the sex shop was about what i remembered. Toys and porn littered the walls and aisles.
All kinds of kinky toys and sex videos. Porn was too easy to find on the internet that I didn't
see reason to buy porn so the only thing that really could get my interest was the assortment
of penis shaped toys for women.

Rihanna took me to the vibrator section and suggested I get one of those, for clit stimulation.
But that still wouldn't help when it came to me wanting to simulate actual sex. I couldn't ride
that thing. I couldn't get on my knees and take it. I couldn't make it slap my ass or pull my
hair or suck my titty. It still wasn't enough.

Still, I got the vibrator and we were on our way toward the register when I spotted a strap on
dildo. I had seen them in a few lesbian pornos but never up close. I giggled at the way it
looked and pointed it out to Rih.

"I wonder who I could get to use this on me?" I joked.

Light bulbs went off. I shook my head. Tried to tell her I was joking. I really was joking. But
my jokes always seemed to speak to my subconscious. And we were leaving the store with a
vibrator and a black strap on, which was nothing more than a dildo in a harness, where
women could f*ck each other.

I bought the vibrator, but she had bought the strap on so I thought maybe she had it for her
and a female friend, someone other than me. I mean, I straight up told her I was joking. But
somewhere along the line, we ended up discussing the terms of this experiment. An
experiment I was down for, even though I kept trying to explain that I wasn't.

"No kissing" I said, thinking about the last time me and her had a sexual encounter.

"Right" she nodded, "no cuddling" she added.

"This is just to experiment. It's not ghay or anything" I said, trying to convince myself.

Rihanna was just following along to be funny now.

"Yep. Just play play sex".

I lowered my head and laughed, "Rih. I can't do this".

"Well shit. Can you do me then? I paid for it. I wanna at least see how it feels".

"But you already got toys. I'm the one that needs a good orgasm. I'm the one that needs to be
f*cked".

"And you're the one with hangups about getting f*cked with this strap on" she smirked.

We sat there for a minute on her couch just looking at the thing. I was horny. I just didn't want
things to be funny with us again.

"It's not a big deal Bee. We're just getting off" she said.

"On Demand Peen" I said.

"Yep".

"Aight".

I showered first. Rihanna showered second. And we ended up in her bedroom, giggling and
blushing and laughing as we got undressed. Seeing her naked wasn't anything new. Her seeing
me naked wasn't anything new. But seeing her put that strap-on, on was new. I just laid on the
bed laughing, not even believing we were about to try this. But we did. She got on top of me
and then looked around.
"Wait. I think I need to get a condom first" she said.

"Why?" I barked.

"Cuz ima wanna use it after you get yours".

I just closed my eyes and smiled hard. This was some other shit. She reached into her
nightstand and pulled out a condom. I could tell she liked this role reversal. She just kept
smiling.

"You don't know how cool it feels to have a dack" she grinned.

"Just get on with it already" I said.

It took her a while to get use to the position of missionary. She wasn't to being the one giving.
I had my legs spread and she climbed inside, but struggled to even get it in. I felt it when she
finally did penetrate me, but it didn't really feel good. It felt weird. I looked at her and cringed
as she pushed deeper into me.

"Do it hurt?" she asked.

"No. Just feels weird".

"Want me to stop?"

I smiled. This was just like f*cking a dude.

"Keep going" I said.

It took her a minute but she eventually found her rhythm. It was different with her stroking.
She moved her hips a lot differently than men did. I managed to close my eyes and imagine
that it was a guy f*cking me. The strap on had a vibrating mechanism inside which helped to
stimulate Rih while she thrust. Eventually, I got tired of being on my back so I pushed her up.
I wanted to ride it.

Everytime I opened my eyes I was reminded that this wasn't a man, so I kept my eyes closed
most of the time. Rihanna held my waist as I climbed on top of her and when I started riding I
could hear her giggling. We both started laughing.

"Damn. You f*cking up my concentration" I laughed, eyes still closed.

"My bad, my bad" she smirked, "But this is so f*cking cool".

She got serious enough to let me try and enjoy it. She ended up grabbing my ass cheeks and
helping me ride her. This really made it seem like the real thing. The song "F*ck the Pain
Away" by peaches was playing on her stereo system which helped for us both to zone out and
forget that we were using toys to help get each other off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG89dp9Z_gM

The more I rode and the more the bass of the music played, the more I got into it. I bit my lip
because it really started to feel good. When she started sucking my titties I didn't resist. But I
also didn't open my eyes. I let her handle me like a man would, but I didn't want to be
reminded that it wasn't a man. When she bent me over and started f*cking me from the back,
that was when i really lost it. I could open my eyes and really pretend that it was someone like
Carter stroking me so deep. RiRi had the time of her life back there. She smacked my ass,
pulled my hair, and I could hear her giggling as I moaned. When I felt that orgasm coming I
threw it back hard. So hard that it knocked her small ass bakcwards and I heard her scream
out. I was mad because I was 4 seconds away from cumming. I turned around and saw her on
the floor holding her leg talking about she caught a charlie horse.

Her hurtin' ass just made me start laughing even though I still wanted my nut. When the pain
of the charlie horse for her started to subside she started laughing too. What a mess we were.
Two friends. Experimenting with a dildo. We were too out of any type of sex mood to get
back into it. I went home that night without an orgasm, but with the idea in my head that if I
ever did need one, like truly need one, I would know who to call. That was my backup plan.
My secret weapon.

That night came a few weeks later after I left the bible study group, of all places. Wallace had
really turned me on with the way he was talking. He was so cute. So smitten with me. So
wanting to be my man. And knowing he had seen me butt naked had me feeling some kind of
way towards him. It was like he partially had me and I partially had him. He had images. I
had his mind. It was a very erotic tension.

I called Rihanna when I realized I couldn't sleep.

"Is this a booty call?" she asked.

"Yes. Bring the strap on. I just need a quickie" I said, seriously.

"And what's in it for me?"

"Seeing my f*ck face" I joked.

She laughed, "I'm at a friends right now. But give me an hour and I'll come over".

That hour couldn't come fast enough. Knowing we had this little toy only made me hornier
because I knew it was an option. When my only options to get off were my fingers or a toy
that couldn't f*ck me back, then it really stifled my wetness. But knowing I could experience
some kinky freaky sh*t with Rih and her toy had my panties soaked. Michelle was still up
when I came out of my room. She was watching TV on the sofa. I told her me and Rih had to
talk about something and I'd be back. I had on pajama pants but no underwear. I was glad Rih
had tinted windows.

I got in her SUV and we climbed right in the back. She still had all of her clothes on, but the
toy was resting in her lap. She was smirking evilly. This was much more embarrassing for me
than it was for her. But whatever, I got over it and got on top of it. I rode that fake d*ck and
pretended it was Wallace. It only took about 6 minutes and I experienced my first orgasm
from that thing. It wouldn't be the last.

The next month was nothing but Pinky inspired sex scenes with me and her. I learned to use it
on her and she salivated at the chance to use it on me. She even used it on me once at the
movie theater because no one was there. I was feeling sexy that night. It was right after a class
and I left wearing nothing but my kimono and shoes. I even went into the theater like that. We
were far from Tally so I wasn't worried about anyone I knew seeing me in a Japanese style
robe.

When we were inside the theater I took it off, and slid on top of Rih, where she had the strap
on ready. I bounced on her, butt naked with shoes on, while she watched a bit of the movie.
We were certified porn stars now.

It was something different. And it didn't make me feel guilty like no strings attached sex with
a dude would have been. No feelings involved, no heart breaks. Just getting off. Plus since we
weren't kissing and things like that, I didn't even consider it a lesbian experience. At least I
rationalized it in my head that way. It wasn't even sex, was what I told myself. Just fooling
around.

I liked doing the f*cking about as much as getting f*cked. It gave me a sense of domination. I
think most girls have wondered what it would be like to have a penis and it was a huge turn
on making a girl cum while dominating her. Rih liked pain. Hardcore sex. So I would move
my hips aggressively and smack her ass hard, leaving a red mark behind so she could get hers.
She even had me f*ck her in the ass on one particularly drunken night. That was....different.

The grand Finale of our month of experimenting with toys came when she told me she had
bought a double ended dildo to use. Jarvis, Rih, Me, and another dude Jarvis was cool with all
put in money so we could go to Spring Break in Cancun. All four of us ended up going to a
nude beach and walking the beach bare assed. I didn't mind Jarvis and his "friend" seeing me,
they were ghay. But it was definitely a new experience being naked outside in the sun. But the
sunbathing was amazing. Jarvis would make a joke about my stank cooch and I would crack a
joke about his needs to hit a growth spurt penis. It was all in fun. We were seniors. About to
graduate. Just enjoying the last remaining weeks of undergrad.

When me and Rihanna back to our room, Rihanna pulled out that double ended dildo, which
was really just one long dildo with a penis head at both ends. It was what was used at the end
of Requiem For A Dream, when Jennifer Conley was ass to ass with the one chick at the
party.

This was intense too. Fun, intense, and crazy. It was Rihanna boiled down to her essence. I
realized that my month of ODD with a toy and a bi chick did nothing to fix some of the issues
I had with myself and the person I was in love with. Some would even see it as taking steps
back. But know what? I didn't care. My life, my rules.

I did feel like I owed someone something. Wallace. He still was pursuing me. Asking me out
and everything. And my flirting had led him on for a bit. I felt like I had to let him know that I
wasn't the type of woman he needed in his life. He was what I was when I first came to
school. A virgin. Church family. Good morals. He didn't need a chick like me corrupting him.
I was becoming Rihanna more and more everyday.

"Come on Bee. You gotta come to at least one night of the Revival" he said after I told him I
likely wouldn't make it.

"I'm real busy all this week. Plus, you know how I feel about that church. It's a lot of drama
there" I said as we walked toward the cafeteria.

"Just do it for me. I'll owe you. How about that?" he said, clearly one step away from begging.

I laughed, "How would I go to church for you? I'm suppose to go for ME".
"Yeah but since you won't go for you. Maybe you'll go for me" he countered.

He was slick.

"Wallace. Why do you like me so much anyway? I'm sure it's a bunch of other good
wholesome girls you could be talking to".

"I see you, though" he said.

Twas so sweet. But I still had to set him down.

"Dude. Stop being so puppy doggy" I laughed, "You really don't want a girl like me. I'm not
very Christiany lately. I've been bad".

He laughed to himself as we went in the cafeteria. We got our lunch, fried chicken, mashed
potatoes, and green beans and sat down to continue this conversation.

"Why you think I'm looking for some 'Christiany' girl anyway?" he asked.

"Why would you be looking for a secular girl? You don't need someone to drag you down".

"I'm not looking for a woman I have to label. Secular or Godly or none of that. I'm looking for
a woman I connect with. Are you gonna say we don't have a connection? Seriously?" he
asked.

"We're cool. But just friends. That's all it is" I insisted.

He smirked and bit into his chicken.

"You are right about one thing" he ended up saying.

I was chewing so I didn't respond.

"There are a lot of girls looking to talk to me. But I'm waiting".

"For what?" I asked, knowing the answer, but asking anyway.

"For the one that I want to come around".

Patient, yet still persistent. An interesting mix.

"N-T-W. How is school and everything going?" I asked, switching the focus.

"It's cool. Mr. C's class is still my favorite. You ever took his philosophy course?".

I smiled, "Yes. I have".

"Awesome class. Makes you think. Makes me question a lot of things that I was so confident
in before. Love. Religion. Friendship. It's really eye opening".

I remembered what Carter told me about freshman taking his class and how they always
become pseudo intellectuals their first philosophy class. I didn't want Wallace to fall for the
hype.
"It's cool to think and all that. But don't change your core beliefs. That's one thing I do like
about you Wallace. Your faith. And your sense of confidence in what you believe. Don't
become corrupted".

"Did you become corrupted? You said you came here as a church girl".

I smirked, "Yes. I have been very corrupted the past four years".

"I imagine that's the story of every senior" he smiled.

"Touche".

"When did you actually start life modeling? Was that when the corruption started?" he asked.

I thought about when I started and laughed. He looked interested to know what was so funny.

"I actually started when I was 17. I had a fake ID".

He put his hand over his mouth and made a noise. "Whaaat? 17?

I nodded, "Yep. I told you I'm bad. Too bad for you".

"What makes you think I'm not bad too?"

I rolled my eyes, "Boy I know. You ain't bad. You're a good guy with a good heart and clean
cut past and future. And don't aspire to change that. It makes you special".

"Just not special enough for you?"

I gave him the look and he laughed.

"Aight aight. Ima stop pushing up. But I don't think modeling at 17 is bad anyway. Nudity is
natural. God made us naked for a reason".

"It's easy for you to say. Have you ever been naked in front of a few dozen people?"

"Nah. I wondered what it would be like though. Like, when you started stripping that one
night. I almost died from just watching. I was nervous for you".

I giggled, "Well. It's definitely something that is one of a kind. Nothing else gives me that
rush".

"What do you think about when you are doing it?"

"Oh my God. I'm naked. That's pretty much what I think about at first. Then I kinda zone out.
Start thinking about random things. What ima eat for dinner. What comes on TV tonight.
After awhile you just kind of forget".

"I wouldn't" he said.

And then it hit me.

"Know what. You should totally model for the class. Most artist usually do it at least once in
their lives" I said, sounding all excited.

He laughed, as if my statement was totally a joke, "Who told you that?"

"Tiff. I'm for real though. You should go to her and say you want to do it for one night".

"Nah. No can do. I couldn't do that. I really couldn't. Not in front of all of those people".

"Coward" I teased.

He nodded his head and smirked "Yep. Pretty much".

"You are no fun. You should let me draw you then. I mean, you've seen me. Why can't I see
you?" I pressed.

"Cuz I'm not a model" he laughed.

"You don't have to be. But you are an artist. As an artist you should appreciate what your
subjects go through and experience it for yourself".

"You trying to set me up, ain't you?"

"No. I'm being dead serious. Dead serious. I'll draw you. You can stay in your boxers if you
want".

"For real?"

I thought about it and then changed my mind "On second thought. No. Lose the boxers".

He cracked the hell up, "How you gon say I can keep em and then say lose em?"

"Because keeping your boxers on would suggest this is sexual. It's not. You should be nude
like every other subject. I promise. Nothing hanky panky. Just as professional as when you
drew me and Rihannas place".

He didn't believe me. How could he? This was mighty bold. He thought for sure I was crack
up and start laughing and let him know it was an early April Fools joke or something. But
there was no punchline here. I was serious. And in an evil way, I was curious to see if he
would agree to it. Curious to see if I could GET him to agree to it.

"Beyonce. You serious?" he asked me, this time no smirk on his face.

"I'm serious".

We locked eyes and I could see the sweat on his forehead. I knew it was only a matter of time
now. He couldn't say no.

The next weekend he was over Rihannas house. She had agreed to let me use her place again
only under one condition. She got to sit it on the session and draw too. Neither of us had ever
taken an art class, but after sitting in on so many we both had learned a bit about the process
of drawing. Wallace still felt like he was somehow being set up for a big hehe haha joke. But
when he came over and we had two desks facing the sofa, I don't know how he could still
believed this was for play play. We wanted him butt naked. We wanted him to see how it felt.

"Looks like yall wasn't joking about this" he said uneasily as we patiently waited for him to
strip.

"I told you I was serious" I said sternly.

"Can I have a drink of water or something first? I am kind of nervous" he said.

We had him in our palms. Me and Rih both decided we would be very cold towards him, just
to shake him up a little. We had to do this in front of a bunch of people in a cold room a lot of
times. He only had to do it in front of two females. It wasn't even a fair comparison. So for
him to get the full effect, without it feeling like some sort of foreplay before a threesome, we
knew we couldn't be as friendly as we normally was with him.

"No. If you drink water, you will have to pee later on. And if you have to pee, you will get a
boner. It's not professional to draw models with hard ons" Rihanna said.

I cracked an almost grin with that one. She was too good.

"You should disrobe now" I said to him, keeping a straight face for effect.

"Aight. But we gotta make a deal. If I do this. Then you gotta do something for me" he said.

"That wasn't apart of the deal" I said, wondering where he was going with this.

"Hey. I never signed anything. It's nothing bad. But if I do this. I want both of you to come to
Church on a Sunday".

"I don't like church" Rih said, breaking character.

He smiled, "I don't care for people to draw me naked. We should have a deal, right?"

I looked at Rih. She had a smirk on her face. I guess this was fair.

"Disrobe please" Rihanna smiled.

Wallace never took his eyes off us when he started. His shirt dropped to the floor. I tried to
make sure I wasn't smiling or anything. I tried to remain calm and collected. But I was
struggling to not grin. Couldn't believe we had this 18 year old dude about to strip down to
nothing for us, and in return all we had to do was go to church. His pants and shoes were off
quick and all that remained was his briefs.

"Drop the shorts too" Rihanna demanded.

It was then I started to feel a little bad. I hoped he was at least packing something. If he
wasn't, I imagined this could be pretty embarrassing for him. Most guys I saw that modeled
weren't very big, but then again none of them were hard either. I still use to wonder if they felt
embarrassed when it wasn't rock hard.

"Here goes nothing" he said, as Rih held the palm of her hand over her grin.

He pulled them down. We immediately looked to his penis. It was small, like I feared.
Wallace was still looking at us. I had to turn away at him and cough. Rihanna told him to just
stay standing because that pose would be better for us to draw, easier. I was slightly
dissapointed in what I had seen. It was nothing more than a thumb. At least that was what I
thought. God could work in mysterious ways.

Wallace must have got either really excited or had caught a full bladder, because something
had rushed and inflated his penis. And it kept growing and growing. My jaw could have hit
the floor if it wasn't attached to my skull. In just a few seconds, his penis had become the
most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. Beautifully brown. Just wide enough. Just long
enough. It stood out from his body, and the tip was thick. His entire penis was thick. All of
this, for Mr. 18 year old virgin?

Even Rih was caught off guard by this.

"Seems like you are a little excited" she said, trying not to drool over the sight.

"Sorry. Should I put back on my clothes until it goes down?" he asked, all embarrassed and
cute.

"No" we both answered. Easy to tell that we hadn't had any real penis in a while.

This was suppose to be non-sexual. But we knew we were full of shit. We drew stick figures
with a detailed penis and called it art. We couldn't even draw for an hour, more like 20
minutes and he was putting his clothes back on. He laughed when he saw the awful sketches
we had drawn. It hit me though that he maybe wasn't as embarassed about this as I thought.
He knew what he was working with. He knew we'd see it. No wonder he so easily fell for our
little set up. And I had to go to church with him to return the favor.

When he left, Rihanna was going in.

"That had to be the most perfect penis I have ever seen. Like, it ain't all big and ugly for no
reason like a porn stars peen. It is PERFECT length and perfect width. Lord Jesus. You didn't
know he was working with that masterpiece?" she asked.

"I had no idea. Rih. My damn mouth started watering when I saw it".

She laughed, "how old is he again?"

"18".

"I don't normally do young guys. But....."

"Oh so now you wanna do em?"

"Shit, if you don't. Somebody else will" she joked.

"Rih-"

She stopped me "Girl I'm just joking. But hey. If you invited me in on a threesome with him. I
wouldn't turn it down".

"I shouldn't have seen that. This does not help me with this no dating thing".
"You want me to get the strap on?" she smiled.

"No. I want him".

"What happened to him being a Godly man and a virgin and all of that?"

"Guess I'm just the seductress" I said.

**

Church on Sunday was just the start of me paying back Wallace. After we left, he also invited
both me and Rihanna to his home to meet his mother and brother. I found out that his blood
brother had went into the army but his step brother was a year younger and was also expected
to go to FAMU come fall.

I felt some type of way about meeting his mother, but at least Rihanna was with me. It felt
more like casual friends meeting a parent than a potential girlfriend. We stayed for dinner and
really got to know Wallace even more. It was a fun day, all things considered.

Late that night I called him and we ended up talking on the phone for over an hour. This was
the first time we had talked to each other in the late PM, early AM. This was usually how it
started...

"Your mother was really nice. Your brother was cool too" I said, meaning it.

"Yeah. They are cool. You mentioned you had a sister once. How is she? Is she anything like
you?" he asked.

I smiled, "Why? You tryna see if you can get at her?"

"Now you know I'm only checking for one Knowles".

I bit my lip, "She's a year younger than me. She has a baby. She is suppose to be going back
to school up in Texas this fall. She's a smart girl so she should do fine".

"Cool, cool. Yo where did you meet your crazy friend at?"

"Who, Rihanna?"

"Yeah".

"The gym. My life hasn't been the same since".

"I can tell yall are close. How long yall known each other?"

"Since my freshman year".

"Wow, really? Seems like yall known each other a lot longer. Yall got that twin syndrome" he
laughed.

"What's that?"

"Yall be giggling together. Finishing each other sentences and stuff. Dressing alike. It's cute. I
noticed it the most back at her crib".

"You mean when we drew you?"

"You called that drawing?" he laughed, "But yeah".

"How did you feel? Being naked in front of us?"

"Hard to describe, honestly. But it was a mix of embarrassment and excitement".

"Why would you be embarrassed, if you were blessed with....what you have".

"Why would you be embarrassed when you are as beautiful as you are?"

He was right.

I thought about something Rihanna had told me. I had to know for sure before I followed
what my instincts were telling me to do. I had to test him. He talked a good talk. He had a
golden pipe in his lap and he was a nice guy. But I had to test him before I would follow
through with seduction.

"Wallace, I gotta ask you something".

"Wassup?"

"Me and Rih were talking. And we were wondering if you wanted to come over if you aren't
busy tomorrow".

"Why?"
"We want to treat you to a wonderful night" I said, as seductive as I could muster.

He hesitated.

"You're going to have to be more specific".

"We both want you" I said, direct and to the point, "Bad".

"You serious?"

"I'm serious. We want to experience you" I said.

"Tempting".

"So what do you say?" I asked, wondering if I was finally going to find something about him I
could dislike.

"Beyonce. Listen to me. Rihanna is a fine woman. But I'm not interested in her. I'm not
interested in any of the women that are interested in me. There is only one I want interest
from. And I'm willing to wait until she alone wants the same thing I want".

Wallace passed his test with flying colors. Little did he know, he wouldn't have to wait long. I
wanted him, for dolo.

The first act of seduction started in the gym that week. He was playing pickup basketball and
I came in with Jarvis and watched him. He saw me, I was sure, and he turned it up a notch.
Right in the middle of the game I left. In that brief appearance, I was sure he now had his full
attention on me. I sent him a text after I left.

Sent 4:45 PM: Lookin good

Received 4:47 PM: Why u left?

Sent 4:50: Why u aint playin?

He sent me a text afterwards but I didn't respond. I left him hanging for a little bit of tension.
He would call me but I would intentionally not answer over the next few days. Then one
night, a little pass 1am, I called him. He picked up even though I could tell he had been
sleeping.

"Sup" he said, sleepily.

"Nothing much. Thinking about you. What you doing?"

I could hear the grin on his face, "I'm thinking about you in my dreams".

So corny. But just what I wanted to hear.

"Well I will let you get back to your sleep" I said.

"Nah. I'm awake. Wassup?"

"No. I don't want to disturb you. We'll talk later, ok?"

I laid down in bed after hanging up and felt so devilish. But I was doing this for a reason. It
wasn't as cruel as it seemed. I wasn't playing games just for the sake of it. I had seduction in
mind. Powerful, seduction. I was going to break his threshhold and then give it to him when
he had all but begged me for it. That was the plan. I was sure it would make the sex equally
incredible for both of us. He just had to wait it out a little longer.

The next consisted of me showing up to Rihannas class, because she was "sick". Posing was
suppose to be art. But it was foreplay this time. I made sure to give him all kinds of eye
contact as he drew me. I gave him intense, the most intense views of my body. From bending
over with my ass facing him to standing on a stool, giving him a very close view of my
shaven vagina. I felt accomplished, because I could see a bulge in his pants. When the class
was over, I left without even small talking with him.

I followed that up by inviting him to a picnic at the park. He was such a cutie, canceling his
plans with his friends so he could spend a few hours with me. We had to stop at the grocery
store to pick up the subs I ordered and that is when i ran into someone I really didn't want to
see. WIZ!

We were standing in line and Wiz walked right behind us. We saw each other and I turned
quickly, not even being able to look homeboy in the eye. Wiz just made a noise underneath
his breath. Wallace turned around briefly before looking in my eyes to see if I was ok. I just
made sure not to turn around, but I could tell my face was flushing red. It was such a weird
feeling, running into someone you had sex with while out with another guy. It felt like
somehow, the other guy knew. And briefly, I felt like how I felt during that summer of
depression.

When we left and were on our way to the park, Wallace asked me.

"The guy at the Grocery store. You know him, right?"

"Yeah" I said, not feeling any need to lie.

"You use to date him?"

"No".

"You slept with him?"

"Yes".
He nodded his head.

"Are you ok? Did he do anything to do or something?"

"No. He just is someone I'd rather forget" I said, a little meaner than I meant it.

We rode in silence for a minute and I started to wonder if maybe Wallace was starting to see
me for the real me. I wasn't this perfect church girl and I had been warning him for awhile
now. Maybe he could see it for what it was. I was damaged.

"You know. My ex asked me if I had slept with him. I told him no" I said, breaking the
silence.

"Why did you lie to him and tell me the truth?" he asked.

"It's a great question. I honestly don't know".

He reached over for my hand as we drove the rest of the way to the sound of soft r&b. My
plan was to go to the picnic with him, lean in for a kiss, and then have something come up
before I got the chance to. But I wasn't Rihanna, even though I tried to be. Instead of me
seducing him. I was the one being seduced. He was so down to earth and chill, that I didn't
want to leave early. I wanted to enjoy the sunshine as the spring rolled in and the flowers
blossomed. The plan didn't involve me kissing him, but I guess the plan was shit to begin
with. We had our first kiss sitting on the blanket. A soft and very sweet kiss. No tongue, no
extra lip. Just a prolonged peck while we sat down leaning in to each other.

I was so use to moving fast with guys. I had sucked Carters dick before we ever kissed. I
attempted to sleep with Chris before we ever confirmed a relationship. This was the first time
the cat and mouse game I experienced with a dude didn't jump straight from infatuation to
f*cking or trying to. The semester was almost over and we were just now enjoying a little
kiss. It was so cute to me.

He didn't have a car so I had to drop him off at his dorms. The experienced gal in me wanting
to lean in and tongue him down before he got out, but I didn't. We ended our date with a hug.
I drove home and felt all kinds of butterflies. Was I really dating this freshman?

The answer was yes. We went out to eat that weekend. I thought about wearing something
revealing. That was what Rihanna would have done. But I bypassed all of my sexy outfits and
settled on something conservative but cute. When it was time for me to pick him up I gasped
at my bed. I had tried on at least 10 outfits. When was the last time a boy had me dressing in
the mirror?

There wasn't that much to do in Tallahassee besides the club scene and Wallace wasn't the
club going type. We decided to just go see a movie. He paid for the movie and I paid for the
popcorn and drinks, which ended up being more than the admission tickets. I was use to
Carter paying for everything, but I didn't mind going dutch with Wallace. It was just
something different. He was a freshman. Didn't have a job. No car. Those perks I had with my
former lover were not perks with him. But I didn't let it bug me out or anything. I understood.

We ended up seeing the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street, which gave us plenty of
opportunity to cuddle. He kissed my forehead at some point which was the ultimate sweet guy
move. It always worked though. My heart dropped and I snuggled even closer to him.
Rihanna texted me in the middle of the movie.
Received 9:23 PM: Bey, are u busy?

Sent 9:24 PM: Out...wassup?

Received 9:26 PM: could u come over?

Sent 9:27 PM: im at da movies with wallace...could i come later?

Received 9:29 PM: nvmind. enjoy ur movie :]

Sent 9:30 PM: u sure? u ok?

Received 9:32: i will be...just 4get it

I was going to respond back to her text but Wallace was tired of me texing back and forth. He
wanted to cuddle with me and enjoy the movie. He took my phone from me and placed it in
his shirt pocket. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close and kissed me cheek. I
lost my breath when he took control like that. I would call Rih when the movie was out.

When I did, she didn't answer. Before dropping Wallace off I drove by her apartment to see
about her but her car wasn't there. I figured maybe she had gone clubbing or something.

"The night is still young. You wanna come back to my crib?" I asked Wallace.

"Sure. I'd love to see where you stay" he smiled.

I text Michelle and let her know I was having company. She told me she wasn't even home.
Good, then she wouldn't have to see who I was bringing over. I was a little shy about
bringing him in. The only other guy that I ever brought in my apartment was Chris. I wasn't
going to bring him in my room though, because I remembered how junky it was with my
outfits all over the bed.

"Make yourself at home. You want something to drink? A soda or something?" I asked.

"Nah I'm good. I just want you next to me" he smiled.

So cute. I sat on the couch with him and started flipping through the channels. There wasn't
anything particularly good on so I just left it on the music channel. Soft music. I dimmed the
lights and me and Wallace shared our second kiss. It was another peck. I appreciated him
taking things slow, but he had to move just a tad bit faster. So I initiated the next kiss which
involved a little tongue. He kept his hands at his side but I put mine on his cheeks and neck.
We tongued each other for the next 15 minutes, easy. I didn't even mind that he had popcorn
breath. His kiss was great.

I was getting very hot as he kissed me. All I could think about was that beautiful dick he had.
The powerful and disease free virgin penis that I had dreams about tasting. If Wallace was the
type to try and seduce me, I would have let him. He could have f*cked me right in that couch.
But he wasn't that type. We kissed and that was enough for him. He seemed to even pull back
when things got too hot. This frustrated me somewhat, but I still respected his reserve. We
went back to watching TV and holding hands and I got a call from Michelle who said she was
bringing home company. Damn was all I could say.
"My roommate is coming home with some company. So ima go clean off my bed so we can
go in my room" I told him.

"It's getting kind of late, Bee. If you have to clean up then I don't want to invade".

"No, you're not invading. I want you to come back. I mean, unless you want me to take you
home now".

"I'm just trying to be respectful of your roommate. You sure she won't mind?"

I laughed, "Don't worry bout her. Just give me five minutes ok?"

I left him in there and quickly got the clothes off my bed and hung them up in the closet. I
also sprayed a little perfume in my room. Just those little touches made the difference
between a kiss on the cheek goodnight, or something much more satisfying. I went to the
bathroom and brushed my teeth and got my lady parts fresh too, just in case.

When I invited him in my room he didn't seem to know what to do. He initially just stood at
the door, leaning against my dresser. I had to make him come all the way in and sit on the
bed. I had my shoes and socks off. I let my hair down. I wanted to relax and I wanted him to
feel comfortable enough to loosen up as well.

"You ok?" I asked him.

"I'm good. Do I look nervous?"

I smiled, "You do".

"If I drank. This would totally be the time for a lil bit" he joked.

"You don't even drink socially?" I asked.

"Nah. It ain't for me. I guess I'm kind of a square".

"You're not. I like that about you. You know what's for you and what isn't".

He smiled weakly but didn't say anything. I grabbed his hand and started to play with his
fingers. We played with each others fingers without words. I traced the lines inside his palms.
He gently rubbed his finger across my palm causing it to tickle. We played this game for a
few minutes until we were once again kissing each other. This time I took more control,
pushing him over and climbing on top of him. This was more like it. We tongued
passionately, and I felt it. I felt that picture perfect penis pressing against me. I wanted to feel
it inside of me. I needed to feel it inside of me.

He wasn't controlling his desire at this point either. He was rubbing me all over. From my
hips to my ass. I moaned softly, just anticipating what we were about to do. I reached over to
my night stand, not even wanting to waste anymore moments and pulled out a box of
magnums I had. I figured he wouldn't have been carrying any condoms because he didn't
think he'd be having sex with me. Not Mr. Christian boy. But after I saw his amazing penis, I
went out and purchased a box of condoms, just in case. I always felt this moment between us
would eventually happen, even when I was downplaying it.

I put the golden condom right next to the bed as we kissed some more. He briefly looked at
the condom before returning his focus to me. I looked him in the eye and I could see he was
terrified. I had never taken a guys virginity before. I felt a little nervous now. Sure he had the
potential to be a sexual beast because of what he was equipped with, but at this point he was
an untrained solider with a M16. He was likely to shoot early and not know how to work that
gun.

My phone went off by the time he had removed my shirt and I had unzipped his pants. And it
was a distinct ringer. It was the ring tone I selected for Vicky. The ring tone I had been
waiting to hear for a long time. Moving Mountains played throughout my room. I rolled off
the bed and grabbed the phone. Sure enough, it was Carter calling me at almost midnight.

"I gotta take this, ok?" I said to Wallace.

He nodded without a word, fixing his shirt and adjusting his jeans. I left the room and went
into the kitchen.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey".

Silence followed.

"You busy?" he asked.

I looked towards the door, "Erm. Kind of. Yeah. But wassup?" I asked, wanting to hear what
he had to say this late.

"Was just thinking about you. But if you are busy I can talk to you later" he said.

"Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk about?" I asked, again peaking towards
the door and making sure Wallace hadn't come out.

"Us. Pretty much. I wanted to talk about us. Our future" he said, which made for the worst
timing in the history of the world.

I sighed. I was horny. And frustrated now. I still loved him. Was he finally ready to be real
about our future?

"Why now? Why now you want to talk about the future?" I asked, not hiding my attitude.

"Because I love you. Better late than never. Right?" he asked.

I closed my eyes and just shook my head.

"You there?" he asked.

'I am. It's just....bad timing. Could we talk about this tomorrow?" I asked.

"Why not now? I mean, if I may ask".

"I prefer not to say" I mumbled.

"You on a date or something?"

I glanced towards the door again.

"Yes. I am. That's why I said bad timing".

"With the Wallace dude?" he asked.

I sighed, "Carter instead of asking me all of these questions. Can we just talk about this later?
I really don't want to be rude to my date".

He chuckled to himself, "Aight. But just answer me this question. Do you love me?"

"Yes" I quickly answered.

"Are you in love with me?"

"Yes"

"Say it. I want to hear you say it" he said.

"I will call you tomorrow" I said.

"Beyonce. I am in love with you. See how easy that flowed for me? You can't say it? For us?"

I was so angry at his request. But I have no idea why I said it anyway. I had no f*cking idea
how he had jedi mind tricked me into it.

"I am in love you with. Ok?"

"Have fun on your date" he said before I hung up.

I wanted to scream when I hung up. I wanted to SCREAM. I felt like I had been tricked or set
up. Like all of the power I had taken back my way was gone. I was so angry. At Carter, and at
myself. Why did I even answer his call when I was about to become intimate with someone
who deserved my undivided attention? I heard Michelle pulling into the parking lot, so I
quickly made my way back to the room. Wallace was laying on the bed with his hands behind
his head. He looked concerned.

"You ok? Your eyes seem glossy" he asked.

I blinked that way and smiled, "I'm fine".

"Was that Rihanna? Is she ok?" he asked.

"Nah. It was an old friend. But I'm fine. I promise" I said before sitting on the bed trying not
to allow him to see what I was feeling; pure anger.

I could hear when Michelle and her friends came through the door. At least two of them. I
didn't want them to be able to hear what was going on in my room so I turned on my stereo. I
had Maxwell in one of the CD chambers. I turned it up and sat closer to Wallace. I went to
kiss him but he stopped me.

"Bee. I don't know if I can do this" he said.

I snapped, really not wanting anymore frustration, "Why?"

"I'm a virgin. I want my first time to be more than just sex".

"Do you think this is just sex" I asked, using a line I had heard somewhere before.

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel like we have something good doing
and then other times I can't read you at all. I want you. But I'm not willing to throw away this
moment if it just will be one random moment".

"What exactly are you saying Wallace?"

"I'm saying that I'm more than fine being your friend. Just your friend. No kissing.
No one night stands. Just friendship. I like you that much and want to respect
you. But I only want more than that if YOU want more than that too. I'm not
gonna give myself to you just for a quick moment".

"Again, what are you saying?" I asked, feeling like we weren't going to have sex
now.

"I'm saying I want you to tell me what you want from this. Do you want just sex?
Or do you want a future?"

Women had asked this question to men in so many different forms throughout
the generations. it usually came right before she decided to sleep with him, too. I
had been Wallace at one point in my life. Just needing some type of security to
feel comfortable giving myself to someone. And I guess this is what ethics was all
about. From the very beginning. Doing the right thing vs doing the thing you
desired to do. Save the world or save myself.

"I want a future" I said.

That was enough for him. "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" played in the
background as our clothes came off and we became one flesh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vy2-PU_2PdU

I sat on top of him and we kissed and held each other for a long time. I didn't
even need to feel him thrust to enjoy what we were doing. Even his penis sitting
inside of me without any movement was stimulating all of my senses. I cried as
we had sex underneath my sheets. I cried because I felt guilty but I also felt so
good. I knew I could potentially ruin Wallace by using his lovemaking to help me
get over the anger of my phone call with Carter. In fact, as I f*cked him, my mind
kept drifting to Carter. I wasn't thinking about f*cking Carter. I was thinking about
how we may never be able to work out our issues.
And then I felt my body shake. I realized I was having an orgasm only after I had
one. It happened that quick. Wallace, even as a virgin, was a tremendous lover.
He touched me softly and firmly at the same time. He didn't devour my breast,
he tasted them like he wanted to relish them forever.

I did a lot of thinking and soul searching while I made love to him. Quite the time
to be doing that, huh? Maybe I really could give Wallance a chance. I mean, what
did he lack? Why couldn't he be my prince charming? Why couldn't he be the one
to finally remove Carter from my heart? I loved his body. I loved his personality. I
loved his passion about church and faith. So why couldn't I love him? Fall in love
with him? What would stop me? I pondered these and other things when I had
another orgasm. I screamed out this time and I was sure anyone outside the door
could have heard. Wallace climaxed soon after. I laid my head on his chest and
he caressed me.

There was something awfully ironic about me giving my body to another man just
minutes after telling Carter that I was in love with him. But for some reason, that
made me feel like I took a little bit of that power back. If push came to shove, I
didn't HAVE to settle for Carter. I had someone that I could tell would love me for
me. Carter, in my mind, had finally met his match.

**

Rihanna finally answered her phone after I called her three more times the next
morning. I wasn't prepared to hear what she had to say.

"I'm moving in 2 weeks to New York. I got that offer I have been looking for" she
said.

I should have been happy to hear that my best friends dreams were going to
come true. But all I felt in my stomach was sadness.

"Why did you want me to come over last night?" I asked, after I had
congratulated her on the modeling gig.

"I wanted you to convince me on if I should stay or leave".

"Why would you need convincing?" I asked.

"I just did. But I got my answer, last night. I got the sign I was looking for. And
now I am convinced more than ever that I should leave".

Chapter 32
If there was an sign that my time in Tallahassee was coming to an end it was a
remainder from our landlord that our lease was going to be up over the summer.
Michelle and I had already decided not to renew, mostly because we were both
undecided on what we would do once we graduated. I had two options, Michelle
had multiple options as well. Either way, we were sure our options didn't include
this apartment or this city.

I had enjoyed my time at FAMU, because it gave me unforgettable experiences

and gave me a solid education, but I decided that even if I did go to Grad school,
it wasn't going to be at FAM. Too many people I needed to get away from. Too
many memories, good and bad, that would distract me.

The theme of the month was moving on. It was obviously that time of the year
when seniors panicked about their choices after graduation. It was as if everyone
I knew was in some sort of transition period. Jarvis going to Georgia Tech. Kelly
was talking about moving back to Houston. And Rih was moving to New York. It
seemed like I was the only one that didn't have any sense of where I was going.
All I know was I was moving at 100 MPH, and whatever direction I chose, left or
right, would leave me unable to make a quick U-Turn if I decided to change my
mind. I was making too many pre-decision choices that would leave me with
limited options.

I put it a notice to Tiff that I was going to stop doing the classes for good. She
said she understood, my three years of modeling was longer than most people
who went there could do. But I could tell she was sad to be losing her two most
prized and consistent models in the same month. Rihanna and Beyonce were
pretty much legends in those classrooms.

My last class there was eventful. Most of the class knew me from previous classes
and during a break I let them know this would be the last time I life modeled,
because I was graduating and moving on with my life. I didn't exactly expect a
standing ovation when that timer went off for the last time, signaling the end of
class, but I gave a naked bow just because the moment called for it. When I put
my clothes on and left, I felt myself want to cry. It wasn't because I was just so
attached to posing for classes, but I was giving up an era of my life. An era where
I found strength when I thought I had none. It was surreal to realize it was really
coming to an end.

I didn't cry. I wouldn't allow myself to. As much as I wanted to let my sensitivity
get to me, I decided I would need to hold those tears. I sensed that the next few
weeks would trigger them. I didn't want to become overwhelmed by crying when
i wasn't ready to cry yet. There were too many things left unfinished for me to
feel safe about my emotional state going forward. Too many people I still had to
talk to. Too many words that had to be said before I could leave this city. I knew I
would cry soon enough. I just hoped my heart could take it.

I wondered how Wallace would take it when he found out I was leaving and not
staying in Tallahassee. 7 months of friendship changed in one night. Now, we
weren't just friends. We were lovers too. Sure, I had slept with a few people
before while not being in a committed relationship. Tip and Wiz. But Wallace was
different. I was his first, not just a girl in a list. His first and only. That would
always make me special in his eyes. More special in his eyes than he could
possibly be in my eyes.

I felt awful the morning after. I allowed him to sleep over and I woke up to him
stroking my hair and softly kissing my forehead. It was sweet. Exactly what I
would have expected out of a guy like him. But I couldn't even enjoy it because I
knew our night had meant something to him that was completely different from
what it meant to me. I needed Wallace in such a selfish way. I needed him to
make me feel good. I needed him to shower me with physical affection and
intimate touch. I took from him. I took his virginity.

Sex, particularly for women, was always a power struggle. Dominating vs being
dominated. Taking vs giving. I was aggressive with Wallace, unlike the time when
i was submissive with Wiz. When I had an orgasm from Wallace, I felt powerful
and in control. When I had an orgasm from Wiz, I felt weak and helpless. While
Wallace and Wiz were polar opposites, they were both enablers that helped me
find out a lot about myself. I needed to experience both of them to come to some
solid conclusions. The ying and the yang. The proton and the electron.

Wiz saw me as a ho, just some random girl. Wallace saw me as a queen, the one
girl he saw. But I used both of them to help with a broken heart that I never
allowed to mend. I had to face the music when it came to my sexual history. I
used sex as an external tool to try and tame my inner conflicts. I had yet to figure
out a way to move myself emotionally without expressing myself physically. I
found the moments right after sex to be the one time I felt enlightened and sure
of myself. Orgasms, though mind numbing in one respect, could bring an
emotional clarity that you could not easily get from anywhere else. My orgasms
from Wallace told me two things. One, I had to get out of Tallahassee, and two,
the pleasure I felt was not going to compare from the pain that was subsequently
attached to it.

I got dressed quickly that morning. I felt like Eve after she ate from that wisdom
giving tree and realized she was naked and was ashamed. I didn't wear my
emotional state on my sleeve, though. I kissed him on the lips and told him I
would call a little later. Later never came that day.

When Rihanna told me later that morning that she was moving, I temporarily
forgot about my night with Wallace. I was more concerned about that at the
moment. My best friend was leaving. The woman I felt an insane connection to
was about to be out of my life. I knew even when we went on Spring Break
together that we would be leaving each others lives soon enough, but actually
hearing her state that she was leaving was hard to swallow. I was hoping I could
have moved in with her over the summer until the fall, when I either started
school elsewhere or started a job.

I thought we would at least have a few more months together. But we didn't. We
only had a few weeks.

"So how was your date with the Virgin?" she asked me, breaking my thought.

"It was good" I said, not immediately wanting to tell her I slept with him.

"Is he still a virgin?" she asked, picking up on my reserve.

I sighed. She laughed.

"Well, was he at least any good?" she asked.

"I came...twice" I answered, knowing she only considered it good if an orgasm

came from it.

"Good job Christian Boy" she said, "You sure he was a virgin?"

"I'm sure. I did most of the work. I was on top the entire time. Just feeling him in
me put me over the top" I said.

"I feel you girl. So how you feeling about it?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, normally after you f*ck you feel some type of way. Either sad or happy or
remorseful or some shit. I know you were saying you ain't wanna hurt the boy. So
let me know how you feeling about it".

"I'm just feeling like I didn't make the right choice".

"Figures" she chuckled.

"What?" I asked.

"You are a heart-breaker. I know I told you that before but I don't think you really
get how you tease people, pull them in, and then make them feel like shit after
you regret it or wanna take it back. You have that power over someones heart
and you don't even realize it half the time" she said.

"I don't try to hurt anyone, Rih. It's not like I just set out trying to lead people on.
I just am really impulsive. I act before I think".

"I disagree. I believe you think about your decisions a lot. You just don't weigh
the other persons feelings before you act".

"Damn. You are just going in on me right now, huh?" I asked, feeling a little bit
like I was being attacked.

"Being honest boo. You know I luh you and everything. But you spin these really
slick webs of emotion and then wonder why your heart is caught in it. Wallace is
just one in many victims".

"It's just sometimes I don't know what I want, Rih. Sometimes I feel like I know
and then when I get it, I have second thoughts. It's not something that's
intentional".

"I get that it's not intentional. But it is still hurtful to the people that are caught
up in it. I mean, you are still head over heels in love with your teacher boyfriend.
If Chris walked back in the picture, I'm sure you'd be all torn up over that too. I
think you should just start being honest with the people you have caught in the
web you spin. Tell them the truth. You'll feel better about yourself. When you get
to talking, what you really want becomes a lot clearer".

I laughed, "Where is all of this sudden dating wisdom come from? You've always
been one to tell me to get mine and take care of myself, right?"

"Of course I have. But I also told you to be honest. When I messed with multiple
dudes. They all knew from the get go that I wasn't looking for anything other than
what we had. But you? Lawd. You lie with everything but your eyes. And it's the
reason why you are always feeling a certain way the morning after".

"I didn't expect to get chewed out this morning" I said, on the defensive more
than anything, "But whatever".

She laughed, "Yeah. Just whatever what I'm saying. Handle it the way you've
always handled it. Dishonestly. Anyway, I gotta shit. I'll call you later, aight?"
"Yeah" I said. She hung up.

**

Kelly left a voice message on my phone letting me know that Quenton and her
had gotten their loan and would be opening a Barbershop/Salon back in Houston,
right next door to my moms restaurant. It was a big deal for them. They had
been talking about moving to Houston because she missed home. Quenton
wasn't set to graduate yet because he wasn't going to school full time, but Kelly
was about to graduate from Florida State with honors in business. Quenton cut
hair and Kelly had been doing hair since she was a little girl. They thought it
would be best for them to go into business together. I had to admit that I was
proud of her.

My little disagreement with Rihanna flustered me a bit, so I decided to get out of

the house the next day and go see my girl Kelly. We didn't hang out that much,
especially after she got married, but with that kind of news I knew I had to go see
her. She lived way across town in a small apartment. I had only been to their new
place a few times so I got lost trying to find it during an afternoon shower. I called
Kelly to get directions.

"Hey. I'm up here going in circles. How do I get to your place again?" I asked her
as I drove slow down the wet road.

"Girl I ain't even home yet. I'm running late because I had to see my counselor. Q
is home though. Call him and get the directions because I ain't good at that shit".

"What's his number?"

"Hold up. I'll put you on three way".

She called and he picked up a few rings after.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey" Kelly said.

"Sup pretty pussy" he said, sounding all sexy like a late night radio DJ.

Kelly laughed, "Q, chill. Bee is on the line".

His voice turned regular, "Oh. My bad" he laughed, "Wassup?"

I just shook my head, "Dude, you better not be naked when I get over there".

They both laughed, but I was serious. Nigga over there trying to get his foreplay
on when he is about to have company.
"Q. Bee needs directions. You know the area better than I do" Kelly said.

"Aight. Where you at?"

I told him the street and the upcoming intersection.

"Alright you went too far. You're gonna have to U-Turn and go back down two
more lights. Look for the Chevron right next to the Taco Bell and then make that
left. Come down to Tucker Street and then hit that right. Then just come down a
lil bit and I'll be waiting outside with my umbrella. Kelly car is out here too" he
said.

I repeated his directions and then mental noted him. I could have programmed it
into my Iphone and used the GPS but I didn't feel like messing around with it
while driving. He stayed on the phone while I drove and after a few minutes I
heard the noisy rain coming from his end of the phone, so I assumed he had
stepped outside.

"Where you at now?" he asked.

"I'm about to turn on Tucker" I responded.

"Aight. Well I'm bout to hang up. I'll be outside. You can't miss my big ass" he
chuckled.

I laughed, "Aight. Bye" before hanging up.

Sure enough, when I arrived outside of the familiar apartment complex, he was
standing outside with an umbrella over his head. He waved me in and then
opened my door when I had parked. I got my umbrella from the backseat before
stepping into the rain and following him into their apartment.
"Yaw still ain't decorate?" was the first thing I said when I walked in and saw the
place looking exactly how I remembered it months ago. Kelly had promised me
she would put a womans touch to the place. It still looked pretty plain to me.

"That's on your girl" he smiled, "I'm a simple man. Give me my flat screen and
my remote control and I am good".

"Ima get her. But I guess it's not point in decorating now. She told me yall pose to
be moving to Houston?"

"Oh she already told you. We just decided the other day and she already telling
people" he grinned.

"Of course she told me. Why wouldn't she? I should always be the first one she
tells" I jokingly challenged him.

He nodded and smiled, "Oh, I forgot. You want something to drink or something?
We don't have many visitors so I ain't good with all that house warming stuff".

I removed my semi wet jacket and gave it to him so he could hang it up.

"Nah. I'm not thirsty. But I do smell something. What you up there cookin'?"

He flexed, trying to be funny which got me laughing. Quenton was so much

funnier than I imagined him to be when I first met him. Then again, I never really
gave him a chance. I had totally developed an opinion on him in our first
meeting. Actually, I judged him before I even met him. Just hearing Kelly talk
about him had me disliking him. I was actually pretty embarrassed when i
thought about how I judged people so superficially when I first got to college. It
wasn't a conscious choice on my part. I just didn't have the experience with
dealing with people.

I wasn't allowed to meet diverse people when I was growing up. I was only
around people from my church or family, for the most part. The few times I did
get to venture out and meet people that were different from me or the
expectations I developed from watching TV, was when I went to New Orleans for
the summer to stay with my auntie. This was part of the reason I wanted so head
off to a different state, at a historically black college. I wanted to find out what
else life had to offer as far as human experience.

Meeting Tip was my first sexual awakening. He was so confident and powerful
and dangerous. I dreamed about him; his deep accent and his endearing laugh
and even got aroused because he had nicknamed me. Taking nothing away from
him because of sexuality, Tip was the ultimate male sex symbol when I got here.
An object of fantasy. The drug dealing player with the ability to charm your
panties off. Or I guess in his case, the ability to charm a niggas boxers off too.

Jarvis was my first encounter with an openly homosexual male. He defied all of
my expectations. I use to think I'd feel uncomfortable around men who were like
that, mostly because of how I was raised and that my family were so against
homosexuality, but I ended up telling the boy some of my most embarrassing
secrets. Jarvis was the ultimate male friend. Someone I could always find fun with
and never have to worry about being hit on. He wasn't a girly man, his
testosterone and masculinity was never lacking. But he had it without getting
aroused around me, which I totally needed from someone with a penis. We
walked the beach nude and he never batted an eye. He was my buddy, an
unlikely one if I ever knew one.

I guess I should have gave Kelly the same benefit of the doubt when it came to
people she met; her new experiences were just as valid as mine. Just as I had
overlooked an initial lack of attraction to Carter, she did the same with her
eventual husband. It was a shame I never could see in her eyes that she was in
love and that was all that mattered.

Q broke my train of thought and answered my question, "Just some chicken and
rice. Nothing special" he said as he walked into the kitchen. I peaked in just to
get a look.
"You wanna cook the cornbread and greens?" he smiled.

"You got jokes, huh? Don't let me get to talkin bout your food" I warned as I
walked into the living room and sat down. He stayed behind in the kitchen and
worked on what I assumed was going to be dinner.

"Are you going to stay for dinner?" he asked me as I started looking through my
phone.

"If yaw have enough for me, sure" I yelled back.

"You know we got enough".

"If you say so. I know we both like to eat, so I don't wanna leave Kelly eating
crumbs" I said.

He laughed, "That's all her skinny ass likes to eat anyway".

I text Kelly to let her know I was waiting.

Sent 3:33 PM: I'm in ur living room waiting for u...hurry up

Received 3:34 PM: I'll be there in like 30 mins

Sent 3:34 PM: Ok...

I knew Kelly trusted me, but there was always an unwritten rule that as a woman
I wanted to follow. Never be around another womans man alone, at least when
you could help it. I was sure I would have hurt some feelings or caused some
words to be said if I would have told Kelly I would wait until she got home before I
came over, especially since I told her that I was already en route. To avoid any
potential drama, I decided to just suck it up this time and break that unwritten
rule. But I made up in my mind that if Kelly wasn't at the apartment in 30
minutes, I was going to leave and just come back another time. Anymore than
half an hour was not a good look.

"So have yall started looking for places yet?" I asked, trying to make small talk as
he cooked.

"Yeah. Kelly has been looking for awhile. But we wasn't sure if we would move
until we knew for sure we could open the shop".

"I think it's great that yall are going into business together. Kind of sweet too. I
envy you" I smiled.

"Well envy us when we actually get it off the ground and start making money.
Kinda risky to be opening up business in this economy" he said.

"Yeah but people are always going to need their hair did. And Kelly can do some
hair. As long as you can hold your own, yall should be good" I said.

He laughed, "Yeah. I ain't been taking that many classes at the community
college because I wanted to get this license to cut. But Kelly really did put it all
together. Got her license, and her degree. With honors. She's amazing" he said. It
was so sweet that he could recognize and acknowledge his woman's hard work. I
knew a lot of guys could be intimidated and even threatened by a woman
outdoing them. I had met too many of them at the school. Guys that thought
they couldn't even approach me because of how much success I had. I was glad
that Quenton wasn't one of those insecure guys.

"Yeah. Kelly really has outdone herself. Handling school, work, step mommy
responsibilities, and of course dealing with her husband" I joked.

"I'm the biggest challenge by far" he laughed, adding to the joke.

I grinned with him as he said he was going to take the trash out. He told me the
chicken was on low but to keep an ear out for the food anyways. When he left
with a full trash bag, I started playing Tetris on my ipohone. He returned a few
minutes later, washed his hands, and started putting the finishing touches on his
quick dish. Kelly text me to let me know she was leaving the school and was on
her way.

"Kelly is on her way" I said to him as he started walking into the living room.

I noticed his shoes laying on the floor. They were huge. He was such a large man.
Huge feet. Huge stomach. Just a physically big guy. But he was so soft spoken
and down to earth. He had a pretty smile. It was weird how the more I got to
know him, the more attractive he became. Not in the sense that I wanted him,
but that I could see why Kelly wanted him. I didn't like not knowing what she saw
in him. I could see it now.

"How tall are you?" I asked as he sat down at the other end of the sofa, giving us
a large gap between us.

"6'8" he said nonchalantly, as if he was asked that question a lot.

"How much you weigh?" I followed it up, smiling.

"How much YOU weigh?" he shot at me, grinning.

"You don't ask a woman that" I rolled my eyes.

He laughed, "I'm 320 pounds. Size 22 shoe. What else you wanna know? I'm a big
nigga".

"That you are. And Kelly is so tiny. I wonder what yaw kids gon look like".

"Some pretty chocolate babies with good hair" he laughed.

I laughed and looked at a picture that was on the wall.

"Who is that? Those two with you".

"My mother and sister. Well, I was adopted by her. But that's her biological
daughter" he said.

"Aww. They are so pretty. I don't remember seeing her at the wedding though".

"She was there. You actually met her. You don't remember?"

"I did? Oh wow. I'm sorry. I met so many people I guess I forgot".

He laughed to himself "It's cool. You was all into your boyfriend that whole time.
What ever happened to him anyway?"

"Chris?"

"Yeah. The British dude".

I shook my head and sighed without a word to let him know me and him were
through and I didn't want to talk about it. He nodded like he understood.

"You know. When I first met you. I ain't like you" I said, looking at him to let him
know I was going to attempt to apologize.

"I could sense it. Kelly could too. I never knew why though".

"No real reason, Q. Just some super selfish, superficial shit. I ain't like that you
had a kid. I ain't like that you wasn't a doctor or a lawyer. Hell, I guess I also felt
like you were taking Kelly away from me. I was always protective over her. She
ever told you the story about how me and her met?"

He nodded, "She told it to me in tears one night. After yall had a bad argument. It
was like right after I proposed to her. She was crying. I thought she was having
regrets or something. But she told me she had just had a nasty argument with
you. What was that about? Me?"

"It was just frustration. I was going through some things. And I took them out on
her. I was real sensitive and on edge and she made a joke that kind of was the
straw that broke the camels back. We said some very nasty things, though".

"Bee. You do believe I love Kelly with all my heart right? And that I wouldn't hurt
her?"

I looked at him.

"I didn't know then. But I know now. And it took me stepping back, having my
own failures with men and seeing you two thrive for me to see it. I know you both
love each other. And I'm glad she chose you".

"Chose me? Didn't I choose her?" he grinned.

I smiled, "Nope. Women choose the men. We just let yall think yall chose us.
Remember that".

He nodded and laughed.

"You continue to make my girl happy, and do her right aight? No cheating and
you bet not ever put a hand on her. If you do, know that I'll be there".

"Like the Jackson 5 song?" he smiled.

"I'll be there with my gun cocked" I joked, before making a gun with my hand and
pointing it at him playfully.

"Shit. Yall gon get violent on a brother?"

"Hey. It ain't me you gotta worry about. I remember when we were younger, she
told me if a dude cheated on her she would chop his dick off, put it in a blender
and make him drink it".
He went from wide eye smiling to frowning. I just cracked up laughing. Kelly was
turning the key in the door a few minutes later. He told her he had to ask her
something which got me laughing even more. That was some food for thought for
his ass. Kelly was not to be f*cked with.

We ended up eating dinner and playing spades. I didn't leave until around 10 that
night. I was glad I got out that apology to Quenton and spent time with my girl. I
was relieved to have that relationship squared and understood. But I knew there
were many others I had to face in the coming weeks.

**

"When women and men can celebrate the beauty and power of the phallus in
ways that do not uphold male domination, our erotic lives are enhanced," was the
first words I ever read from bell hooks, the feminist writer Rihanna first
introduced me to.

I didn't immediately understand what that meant. I was a virgin when I first read
it. But even when I had lost my virginity to Carter and experienced multiple
penises, I still didn't have a grip on concept that sex was largely driven by male
domination. I thought I controlled the flow of sex more than the men did. I
thought I wielded that power.

The feminist writer spoke of penis passion in words and expressions I just never
understood. I tried to identify, but I had never been molested. I was never raped.
I was never taken advantaged of or experimented with against my will. My first
thoughts of penis came from me and my sister watching late night HBO shows
before our parents blocked them. I still remember them coming into my room as
me and Solange sat on the bed as 11 and 10 year olds watching Real Sex, a tv
series produced by HBO. I tried to change the channel to The Disney Channel but
I didn't change it in time.

My mother said she could hear what we were watching so she didn't even need
to see it. But she had my press "last channel" on the remote anyway. We were
busted. My dad didn't believe in spankings, but he was so freaked out that he
called his pastor that night to tell him what he had discovered. Solange and I
made up some excuse about how we were just channel surfing and were shocked
and intrigued when we saw naked people. We said we were just curious about
the male form. It wasn't as if we had sex ed to teach us like other kids our age.

Truth was, we had been watching it for going on 2 months. We liked the way sex
looked and made us feel. But importantly, we were fascinated with the penis of a
man. At first it looked scary. Ugly even. But the more I watched, the more
watching made me feel tingly inside. I wouldn't discover masturbation until much
later, but I was discovering even then I was going to be a very sexual person.

I remember dreaming about penises. I remember thinking about it during church.

Wondering what the young minister penis looked like, or the boys in church. I
remember a boy at camp letting me see his penis in the swimming pool. In
return, I let him look at my still developing breast.

When I actually started having sex, I couldn't identify with the feelings of the
writers I read. The ones Rihanna idolized. Bell Hooks spoke of women
surrendering their "sexual urgency" and swallowing pain from dick and
pretending it was pleasure. But I never felt bad about surrendering or being
dominated or being submissive. In fact, it turned me on. I preferred to be the one
that was being dominated by the dominant male. I often wondered if this made
me less feminist, since sexual equality was a very necessary part of
contemporary feminism. I never feared dick like most in the movement seemed
to do. I never had an identity crises about my role in the bedroom. That was until
I actually got the chance to have a penis myself.

Wearing that strap-on with Rihanna was more than just us fooling around. It was
about truly becoming an aggressor. One night when experimenting with the strap
on, I truly did lose it. I f*cked Rihanna like I was angry at her. Like she deserved
to be punished just because she wasn't the one with the upper-hand in this
exchange of lust and frustration. I became an animal. I f*cked her as deep as I
could, finding pleasure in her eyes when I sensed pain in it. I squeezed her ass to
the point that I left red marks and I let so many dirty words come out of my
mouth. I called her my slut. I told her to take the dick. And I got off from her
submitting to this hyper-masculine round of demeaning behavior. It was then i
realized that sex, for a man, could be so much more than sex. It could be a way
to feel confident in a world that was so out of your control. It was a way to assert
your domination over the lesser being.

It became apparent that society had conditioned us to see penetration as an act

of defilement. It was a shaming experience to be penetrated, for both
homosexual men and straight women. Having the penis and doing the defiling
meant having the power. And the very logo for manhood was the dick. If sex
really did rule the world, like Freud and other people stated, then it was the
power of wielding a penis that kept it that way. Women that broke past the social
conditions could enjoy sex and not give in to that power struggle. Rihanna was
one of those women. She begged me to f*ck her in the ass, and I did partially
because I was curious about dominating her there. I was gentle at first, but all
she said was "f*ck me harder, f*ck me harder".

But for the rest of us? That faux power-trip we got when we were on top or
throwing it back or giving head or screaming to be f*cked harder was just that.
We could dress up our role reversal all we wanted, with cute titles and role
playing but we were not in control. A gun decorated with flowers was still a gun,
despite it's appearance. Holding that gun for the first time; as a woman, gave me
a deep case of penis envy. How unfair that they could carry this concealed
weapon.

I read some metaphysics literature that talked about the penis controlling a
woman's mind after it touched the cervix, because it interrupted a natural flow of
bio energy. I never got quite that deep into that kind of thinking, but since
Rihanna read it, I at least took it seriously as a thinking point. I thought about
how sex between men and women tended to be seen so differently. Even the
terms we used to describe our organs were so different.

For the short time after me and Rihanna started using toys on each other, I saw
penis just as negatively as some other women did. Saw them as just tools of
domination. I would at first imagine that the dildo being used on me was from a
man, but after that revelation, I didn't have to. I just saw it for what it was.
Rihanna using a toy to give me an orgasm. Her likeness didn't turn me off, even
though I wasn't attracted to women. This confused me all the more as I continued
indulging.

Wallace had managed to help me return to my previous state of penis passion.

His was so beautiful to look at. Not just use for physical domination, but just to
gaze at or look at or draw. It didn't even have to be hard for me to appreciate it,
which was the first time I ever felt that way. Even his flaccid penis was pleasing
to me. I think that was what Bell Hooks wanted from her feminist women. I was
glad he brought me to that state. Admiring without arousing. It was usually
always the other way around.

Unfortunately, there was another person who was doing that to me at the same
time. When I was on the nude beach with Rihanna, I just found myself wanting to
look at her body. I never wanted to take my eyes off of her nudity. Her breast,
the way her nipples swelled when she felt me watching. The way her eyes
seemed to change color in the sun. The way her skin complimented those
glowing eyes. The way her tats gave even more personality to her shape. I
couldn't stop looking. But I wasn't looking at her with lust. Not until we got back
to the bedroom at least.

That bothered me as much as anything. I thought about telling her about the
crush I had. I thought about telling her that she made me feel certain ways at the
oddest times. But I never did. I was afraid. Not afraid of what she would think. But
afraid of what I would think of myself when I admitted that out loud. It was
amazing how you could lie to yourself when holding in secret thoughts. If the
thoughts never materialized into words or actions, you could always conclude
that they weren't real. I continued to deny that there were anything more to
these feelings I had for my best friend.

Michelle and I went to church on Sunday. I wanted to hear the word, but mostly I
wanted to talk to Wallace who I had been avoiding since our sexual encounter.
We came a little late and sat in the back. I spotted Wallace as soon as I sat down.
He was toward the front, raising his hands in worship. I wondered if maybe he
was repenting and asking God for forgiveness for having sex with me. I felt
terrible, like I was the cause of him stepping off the straight and narrow. But what
could I do now? How could I make this right?
After the choir did a few selections and the dance ministry performed, the pastor
came out to deliver his word. The music had really made me feel guilty about my
actions. Church songs could have that effect. And if I felt guilty, I could only
imagine how Wallace, a youth pastor in training, felt. The message ending up
being about Haiti, the country that had experienced a catastrophic earthquake
months earlier. I had already donated, but the Pastor was starting a ministry that
would go over there and help the rebuilding. After speaking on how the ministry
would be funded and ran, he then talked about Christians needing to have their
life right, because at any instant it could end.

He spoke so passionately that it was difficult to not reflect on your life as you
listened. I would feel too ashamed if I thought about it too much so I found other
things to help distract me. I noticed a lot of women in the pews. A lot of women
dressed in clothes that revealed their cleavage and shape. Much too sexy for
church, in my opinion. I never understood dressing sexy in a place of worship. It
could totally take a devoted man's eye off the prize. Men were visual creatures.
How could they worship and concentrate on God with titties and legs and booty
all in their face? I knew my mom didn't play that. She dressed me and Solange in
nothing but conservative clothing. I still felt that women should have been
conservative in church.

I remembered the many college age women that didn't like me for some reason
when I had started going to this church the summer before. The rumor that got
started about me wanting some girls man. I wondered if these same girls were
after Wallace, who was really one of the more attractive guys in the church. Not
only that, but ministers seemed to attract groupies. I imagined Wallace got more
pussy thrown at him as a young minister in the church than he did as a young
college student on campus. And a lot of these women were really attractive. They
were plentiful too. At least a 2 to 1 ratio of women to men. Since there was a
shortage of good church men available, then it was no wonder the women fought
with each other over them, spread rumors, and even tried to out dress each
other. Even the house of God couldn't stop the power of the dick.

Still, out of all of the women Wallace could have had his eye on. He had it on me.
He decided to give himself to me. I wondered if I was any better than the thirsty
women in here.

When church was over, I stayed behind so I could speak to Wallace. He was
shaking hands and conversing with people that were coming up to him. His step
father wasn't far behind. He helped steer Wallace past the women that were
obviously trying to throw him some bait. As they parted the sea of thirsty women,
Wallace spotted me. I smiled softly. I was afraid he would be angry with me. But
he smiled as if nothing was the matter in his world.

"You want me to give yall some privacy?" Michelle asked me.

I looked at her, "Could you?"

She smiled, "I can take the church van home. I'll let you and him have your talk. I
know yall got a lot to say after all that noise I heard the other night" she grinned.

I shivered with embarrassment. She would not let me live down the fact that i
had screamed out when I had an orgasm and even through the looped Maxwell
CD playing, her and her friends heard it. Those paper thin walls of our apartment
were the culprits.

"Ok. I'll see you a little bit later" I said.

She touched my shoulder, waved at Wallace, looked back to me and winked

before leaving.

"Sister Beyonce. It's good to see you again. I've missing seeing you in church" the
pastor said.

I smiled, "Yeah. I've been wanting to come hear the word. It was really good this
morning".

He nodded, "To God be the glory. I'm clad you got something out of it. Hopefully
I'll see more of you" he said.
"Yes sir" was all I said. He turned toward Wallace, smiled and then kept it moving
to leave us to ourselves.

"Can we go talk?" I asked him.

He just nodded and we made our way out of the church to my car. It was hot this
day, at least 95 degrees and I was hoping for some type of afternoon shower to
help cool us off. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, so it was nothing more than
wishful thinking. When I cut on the car I had to immediately turn on the AC
because the metal part of the seat-belt was burning. Wallace even jumped when
he touched it. I laughed.

"I'm sorry".

"For what? Making the sun?" he joked.

I turned down the Drake cd that was playing and we pulled out of the parking lot
in silence. I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to say to Wallace, but I was sure
I was going to be honest with him. He deserved honesty. I just wanted to gauge
him first before I just went into my confession. He was a smart guy, I already
knew he could tell I had avoided him. I wanted him to acknowledge that he knew
before I just started talking. But he didn't. We sat and I drove and he smiled like
nothing was wrong.

"Did you enjoy the service today?" he asked me.

"Yes. It was nice" I responded.

"Yeah. I'm apart of that ministry. Ima be going to Haiti over the summer to help
out" he said.

"Really? That's really cool. I think it's a good thing. i know you will do well" I
encouraged.

He nodded, "So where we going? Where is Michelle?"

"She went home with the church van. I don't know where we are going. I just
wanted us to have some privacy. I wanted to talk to you face to face. Do you
have anywhere in mind where we can talk?" I asked.

"There is a playground next to my moms house. How about there?" he asked.

"A playground?" I grinned.

"Yeah. It's relaxing on a Sunday afternoon. I mean, unless you want to go

somewhere else".

"Nah. If that's where you wanna talk, then that's cool with me" I said.
I remembered where he stayed because I often drove past the area but I didn't
know where the park was. I was surprised when I saw it was only across the
street. I guess I had never noticed it the times I had been in the neighborhood. I
parked in a 5 car parking lot and stepped out, still wearing my church clothes,
including heels. He had taken off his suit jacket and unbuttoned a few at the top
of his long sleeve. He still didn't seem concerned or worried about what I wanted
to talk to him about. He seemed so calm, which made me stress even more. Why
wasn't he freaking out like I was? Or was he just hiding it? Waiting for me to say
what he already had to know?

We ended up walking to the swings and sitting down. The shade from the trees
as well as the sway of the trees actually were very relaxing. This was actually the
perfect spot for us to talk, without interruption. The playground was empty when
we git there.

I was thankful for the breeze blowing against my face. I hummed to myself when
we sat down and gently let the swing move me backwards and then forwards. I
wanted to talk to Wallace but for the moment I just wanted to sit with him and
enjoy the smell of the playground. He could sense this. He wasn't anxious to
know what I had to say. He was relaxing just like I was. He chuckled at my
humming.
"What melody is that?" he asked.

"One of the songs the choir was singing this morning. I don't know the words. Just
the melody. Why does it bother you?" I smiled.

"Nah. It's peaceful. Keep doing it" he said.

I was feeling a little defiant so I stopped. I had to be contrary. He laughed.

"If I would have said it bothered me. Would you have kept doing it?"

I smiled and then nodded, "Yep".

"I see. So you are that type of girl. I got you".

We kept swinging. I knew I couldn't prolong the inevitable. I reached over for his
hand which he accepted like I knew he would. I wondered why Wallace was being
so sweet and receptive to us having this talk. He had to know, absolutely had to
know this talk was concerning why I avoided him. Yet he wasn't acting defensive
at all. It was so weird. It reminded me of the men who went on the Jerry Springer
Show knowing their woman had a secret to tell them. And then they come out
and give the girl a kiss, knowing they are about to have a bomb dropped on him.
And they they are so shocked and appalled when the girl turns out to be a man.
Fortunately I wasn't going to tell him I was born with a dick, although I had
attached one to myself in the name of experimentation. That would remain a
secret though.

"Sex changes things. Doesn't it?" I asked to get right down to business.

He continued holding my hands and looked at me.

"There is no such thing as casual sex, is there?" I asked him, wanting him to say
something.

He didn't answer. He just continued holding my hand. This was really going to be
hard. For some reason, my mouth just totally switched the subject. My thoughts
were scrambled like those old TVs where you could play with the antenna to try
and watch porn or PPV TV. I had to keep twisting my mind until I could present
some sort of clear picture where Wallace could understand what I was trying to
get across.

"I want to teach, Wallace. I wanna teach kids. I want to take them on recess to a
playground like this. Watch them play and swing and go down the slides. And
then bring them in and teach them math and social studies and science. I want a
kid of my own too. At least one child I can call my own. Am I making any sense at
all?"

He smiled, "Not really. But I enjoy the jumbled vent anyway".

"Notice, I said I want to teach children. Little kids. The kind that have recess.
Wallace, listen to me. I want to teach little kids. Just a month ago I wanted to
teach middle school kids. And before that I thought I wanted to teach high school.
Do you understand what I'm getting at?"

"That you are a 20 year old know it all that doesn't know it all? That you are
indecisive and change your mind daily" and can't decide what you want to eat
later on tonight, let alone what you want to do for the rest of your life and who
you want to do it with?" he asked, surprisingly calm.

I was speechless. He squeezed my hand.

"Keep going Bee. You're doing fine. I'm following you".

I swallowed to try and wrap myself around the fact that he seemed to already be
pages ahead of me. That made this all the more awkward and torturous.

"Wallace. I have fallen for people I shouldn't have fallen for. Been with people I
shouldn't have been with. And it's ruined me being able to easily be with people I
prolly should be with. And....and....Wallace, why did you pick me? Of all people?
Huh? That bothers me. Why me? What was it about me?"

"I didn't pick you. I can't pick who I see potential in. I can't pick and choose what I
feel".

"But what do you feel? And why do you feel it?"

"I feel like you are someone I can trust. When I first noticed you last summer in
church. I saw someone that wasn't there for the crap so many others are there
for. No cliques. Or men. Or for the tradition of it. I saw someone who was
genuinely there because she wanted a personal relationship with God. You can't
fake that type of realness. You can't fake that kind of honesty".

"But that's just it. I'm not an honest person. I'm not. I'm dishonest. I can't even be
honest with myself. Let alone trying to be honest with you".

"You are being honest with me right now. Are you not?"

I sighed, "But it's after the fact. I wasn't the night we were together".

"But you are now. A dishonest person wouldn't feel the conviction you felt to
show your face in a church you don't like just so you could take me to a park and
tell me that you are still in love with that ex you speak about so much".

At that moment I looked at him. I knew then. He was so much more observant
and beyond his years than I gave him credit for. It really made my heart melt.
"My heart is torn in three ways right now, Wallace".

"Three different people?"

"Yes. And you are one of the people. I don't want me needing to get closure
before I could start another relationship to break your heart in the process. But I
know I need that closure. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Wallace,
do you hate me?"

He looked at me as if he was searching; scanning for something. I didn't expect

to get teary eyed during this confession. I thought I could just tell him, let him
yell at me and then I'd leave. He could walk to his mothers crib. And then that
would be that. But I didn't expect him to understand where I was coming from. I
didn't think an 18 year old was capable of that. I was 20, and I could only imagine
how I would have reacted if Carter would have told me something like that after
he had taken my virginity. I had been searching for a flaw, or something I could
dislike about Wallace so I could feel ok the way I used him. But each time the boy
opened his mouth, my heart continued to crack in three.

"You ever heard the saying. There is a thin line between love and hate? So many
people say it. So many people believe it. They call themselves loving a person,
but one incident later they hate them. They call it passion. Passion could make
them love one minute and hate the next. Or have them hating and loving at the
same time. But me? I don't believe in that saying. I don't. Beyonce. I am not a
broken heart away from hating you. I am two lifetimes away from ever getting to
that moment. Life is too short, I told you that before. I only have one lifetime. And
I choose to love. Unconditionally. Even if the person doesn't love me back".

A tear had rolled down my cheek. We were still holding hands. And he was
essentially telling me that he loved me. At the same time, he was essentially
acknowledging that I had rejected his love. I was angry at myself. I was doing
what those girls did that corrupted the nice guy. Threw a bucket of cold water on
a burning fire. If Wallace ending up leading a girl on and breaking her heart in the
future, I would be indirectly responsible for two broken hearts. Or three, if you
counted mine as well.

"Why do you love me, Wallace? WHY? What have I done to deserve unconditional
love? Does that even exist? This would be so much easier if you didn't love me....I
used you".

I felt his hand tighten it's embrace of mine. He was still staring into my eyes.

"Lead me on girl if you must. Take my heart and my love. Take of me all that you
want" he said, pausing at each sentence. He was repeating the lyrics to the song
we made love to. The song I had on repeat because I thought it made for sexy
love making music. Not a song I thought he would repeat to me when I turned
myself in for using him.
"That's a song, Wallace. Lyrics to a song that people buy for 99 cent on iTunes" I
said, not wanting him to say things like this. My eyes were watery. And he wasn't
making it any better.

"It's all I heard when I made love to you" was what he used as a response.

I huffed and puffed at this as a few tears dropped. I just didn't expect him to
respond this way.

He frowned, "Would it have been better if I cursed you out? Told you I hated you
and to never talk to me again?"

"Yes" I yelled, my voice cracking and my eyes burning red.

"Beyonce. Don't hate me for loving you. Don't fight it. Accept it. I love you aight?
I love you enough to where I won't try and make you feel worse for being honest
with me. I love you enough to let you go and wish you the best. I love you enough
to leave you alone so you can get your closure. I love you more than enough to
forgive you. I'd rather you betray me, then betray your heart" he said, still
clutching my hand as he spoke and my tears fell.

"But aren't you angry at me? Disappointed? Enraged? Anything? Why do you just
ACCEPT it? Why accept my shit?"

"I accept it because I accept you, how you are. Am I angry? A little. Disappointed?
Of course. Enraged? No. But no matter what i feel, I still love you. And I want you
to get your closure. A heart that betrays itself willingly, is like a nation that trades
freedom for stability".

I looked at him, just shocked by his words of wisdom. He smiled and added "The
last part isn't mine. I heard it in a song".

We sat there for a moment. I closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling. A
mother and her child ended up coming to the playground and we both turned our
attention towards the little boy sliding down the slide as his mother watched. My
eyes dried from the hot sun and I felt an inner peace inside of my spirit.
Something not even the preacher could trigger.

"There is one thing that you have given me Wallace, that I will cherish forever" I
started.

He turned from the playing child and looked at me, "What's that?"

"I was on the verge of giving up my faith. And stop believing in God. But you. You
saved me from giving up on God. You have renewed my faith in men. In people.
In God. And I love you for it. I love you for showing me that unconditional love
does exist".
He took in my words by dropping his head. He didn't say a word. I don't think we
needed words. We held hands until he got a cell phone call from his brother. He
told me he was going to walk home to help his mom with dinner. He told me if I
wanted to eat, I could come over. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't be around his
mother and brother again, not after this right here. I had to break the loose
strings of this thread of emotion I had spun. I smiled and politely shook my head
no. He nodded, stood up, and wiped the wide of my eye.

"Whenever, Wherever, Whatever. I'm here for you if you need me" he said.

I held in my tears as he walked away. I sat on the swing by myself and watched
the care free child play on the playground. I wondered if this boys greatest
character flaw was also his greatest strength.

**

My head was spinning as I rode on the passenger side of this car. This car had too
much history. It was the spot where so many breakups and makeups occurred. It
was I kissed him the first time. The place I sucked a dick the first time. The car I
rode in after I had fell in his driveway and was told he was breaking things off
with me. It was the place we reconciled by having sex in the middle of the night
in 40 degree weather. I had also been kicked out of this car on the side of the
road. How could I forget. This car; this damn Benz was a motherf*cker.

I laughed to myself and then tried to calm down. I was having yet another face to
face with someone that I needed to talk to. Just a few days after the one with
Wallace. Carter looked at me. He couldn't read me at all. I was glad because I
wasn't sure I could speak at the moment without really cursing him out.
We had both decided we needed to speak to each other in person. No email, no
cell phones. I needed to look at him when I talked. I had so much to say to him.
So much I needed him to hear without worrying about him hanging up on me. A
lot of what I had to say was going to come out in a very aggressive tone, I could
already sense it. But I wanted to articulate it so that he could take it in. I didn't
want it to be some an incoherent diatribe. This was the only way I would be able
to get closure from him. I was going to lay every single card I had on the table. I
was not going to leave this God forsaken car before I had the clarity and closure
that I deserved to have.

I drove my own car outside of the city and met Carter at a gas station where I got
in his car so we could drive around. We decided we weren't going to a restaurant
or anywhere in public where we could make a scene. I guess he knew I was likely
going to curse him out or get loud. We needed to be in a place where we could
raise our voices and not worry about who was listening or who we were
bothering.

For all of it's buildup, you would think one of us would have broken the ice and
spoke how we felt. But we didn't. I guess I didn't know how to start it. I never
knew how to start these kind of conversations. Speech classes couldn't prepare
you for spilling your heart.

"We came here to talk, but you haven't spoken a word" he said, breaking the
painfully loud silence.

"I'm thinking" I said.

"Don't you think it would be helpful if you let me know what you were thinking?"
"Can I ask you something, Shawn?"

"That's why we are here" he responded.

"Do you want me to be happy?" I asked, thinking about something Wallace told
me.

"Of course I want you to be happy".

"Even if it's not you that makes me happy?"

He didn't immediately answer. He had to evaluate the way I had asked this
question.

"I want you to be happy, regardless. I want nothing but the best for you. I want to
see you be the best you can be".

"What if I wasn't the 'best I could be', but I was happy?"

"How can you be happy knowing you underachieved? Or didn't tap into your
potential? I don't see how you could achieve happiness like that. I don't think we
can achieve happiness if we settle in life. I know I couldn't be happy knowing I
was a terrible father. No matter how many books I sold on awards I won or
classes I taught. My happiness could not be attained because I wasn't the best I
could be".

"Could you be happy being the greatest father ever, but still being alone?" I
asked him.

He thought about it before answering. He hit is turn signal and got over in the far
lane before pulling into a vacant parking lot. He parked in a parking space and
put his car in park, before looking at me.

"I don't know. I really don't know".

"What do you know? In regards to us. Name two things that you KNOW without a
shadow of a doubt" I asked, tired of him not knowing things.

"I know I love you. I know I miss you" he said quickly, still focusing on me.

"Do you know if you regret us ever getting together?" I asked.

"I don't regret us, Bee. I do resent how we have ended up. We both could have
done things so much different".

"What is one thing you would have done different, if you could have?" I asked
him.
"Told Rosario about you instead of hiding it. She seemed to understand anyways.
Maybe things would have been different if I didn't break things off with you the
first time".

I shook my head" Rosario only understood because she got to observe us being
apart from each other. Had you told her, she might have totally took it the wrong
way".

He nodded his head, "You are prolly right".

"Shawn. Do you know how it made me feel when you told me you hated me? Do
you know what it's like for a person you love so dearly to tell you that they hate
you?"

"I didn't mean it. I let my emotions get the best of me".

"I know you love me. I'm not worried that you don't. But I am worried that it will
never matter that we love each other. I'm worried that it really doesn't mean
anything in the short or long term. I'm just so tired of the word love. I'm tired of
what it entails and how it never matches up with what is going on in life. Like,
what is the point? What is the point of any of the love?"

He started laughing to himself. I could tell he wasn't laughing at me and that he

wasn't even trying to laugh. But he did and he closed his eyes and rubbed them.

"What's so funny?"

He shook his head and let the last few chuckles out.

"Do you know. One of the philosophy books I wrote had a chapter that focused on
that. What is the point of love. What is the meaning of love. Why love at all. It's
crazy. I could mouth off a bunch of quotes from the book. Complete sources and
everything. And even then, I'd realize I have no idea what the f*ck I am talking
about. The heart always humbles you. Puts shit into proper perspective".

He started laughing again. I didn't really want to, but seeing him find bittersweet
irony in our conversation was a little funny. I smiled while still trying to frown and
when that made him laugh a little more, I lost it and laughed too. His laugh
always had that effect on me. I pushed him in the shoulder and leaned my head
back against the seat, eyes closed. We both just sat for awhile as the AC blew. It
was ice cold in the car.

"You know. I almost dropped your ethics class. Freshman year" I said, reflecting
on how Carter and I came to be in the first place.

He looked over towards me as I leaned against the seat, my eyes barely open.
"Why didn't you?"

"My mommy. I called her and told her I was about to drop a class because the
teacher was too hard. She gave me this long, long, LONG ass lecture" I grinned,
recalling my mom chastising me for wanting to quit.

"What would have happened if you would have dropped?"

I took a deep breath and thought.

"Things would have been so much different".

"You think we would have ever came to be?" he asked.

"No. I don't think we would have" i answered honestly.

"Do you regret not dropping?"

I looked in his eyes. He had to know the answer to this question.

"No I don't regret it. Even if knowing you and being with you and experiencing
you led to me being hurt by you. I'm happy I was able to experience the kind of
happiness that could make me feel so bad".

"I never tried to hurt you Beyonce. I never wanted to ever hurt you".

"I know. I never wanted to lie or hurt you either. Sucks that our good intentions
don't always translate to good actions" I said.

"Where have I heard that before?" he smiled.

"The second paper I wrote" I laughed, "Damn. You remembered that line?"

"I've read and re-read your papers from my class more than a few times. I enjoy
your writing. Even the grammatical errors and naivety".

"Let's do something totally crazy" I told him abruptly.

"Like?"

"Be honest. Right here. Right now. Let's agree to be completely honest with each
other. Just this one time. No lies. You can ask me anything you want. I can ask
you anything I want. Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Rapid fire. Are you down?"

We locked eyes.

"I'm not so good with this vulnerable thing, Bee" he said. I pleaded with my eyes.
I pleaded with him to accept my offer.

"For us, Carter. Please" I added.

"No lies?" he asked.

"No lies" I confirmed.

He nodded, signalling that he was in. I asked the first thing that came to my
head.

"Am I spoiled goods to you?"

"No. I still want you. Did you sleep with Wallace?"

I took a deep breath and let it out. Honesty, Bee.

"Yes. Just once, but I did. Am I spoiled goods to you?" I asked again, after letting
him know I had been with yet another man.

"No. I still want you. Did you sleep with him the night I called you?"

"Yeah" I said, "And just a few days ago I broke things off with him. I needed to
talk to you. What's your favorite thing about me?"

He thought for awhile.

"Rapid fire, Carter. Don't think. Just answer" I spat.

"Your strength" he responded before asking "What is your least favorite thing
about me?"

"Your lack of trust. I hate that you don't trust me. Be honest though. You are
wearing that cologne because you know it f*cks with me. Right?"

He laughed, "What?"

"That is the same cologne you wore the the night you have me head the first
time. You know that smell is so vivid to me. You are wearing it to remind me. To
stir up emotions. Right?" I asked.

He smiled like he was embarrassed.

"You're good" he said, "Why did you and Chris not work out?"

"I cheated on him. We were arguing for months. We both were fed up with each
other".
He raised his eyebrow at this, like he was surprised I was capable of cheating.

"What? You shocked that I've made some mistakes?" I asked.

"I'll take that as your question" he smirked, "But nah. I ain't shocked. A little
surprised though. Did you really like all of the movies and TV shows I had you
watching with me?"

I answered straight up, "No. I hated some of them. Some were straight boring.
But I watched them because you liked watching them. Matter fact, some of the
clothes you bought me I didn't like either. But I wore it because you liked it on
me. I loved you that much".

"Damn. Hated?" he asked.

"You can't ask two straight questions. My turn. How did you find out about me at
those parties? Did you have spies or something? How did you get into my poetry
account too?"

"How you gonna ask 3 questions?"

"Just answer. I wanna know these things" I said.

He sighed, "Honesty, right?"

"Complete honesty" I stressed, staring at him hard.

"You ever wondered about the DJ at those parties? The frats all get the same
dude. Me and him go way back. I had him give me the lowdowns on the parties. I
never told him to spy on you or anything like that. But he would tell me about
any of the newsworthy happenings of the parties. And your poetry account? I
installed keyloggers on my computer. Anytime you checked your email or
facebook or anything else, my computer would save the password".

I got so angry when he said this, "What!? You have all of my passwords?"

"I have them stored, but I promise. The only one I ever used was the one for your
poetry site. I've never once been in your email or facebook. I went into your
poetry site because I thought it could help me understand some things that you
weren't telling me. I know I invaded your privacy. I know you told me before you
wanted me to give you your space. I apologize. I shouldn't have let my insecurity
betray your trust".

"That is some crazy shit, Shawn. Have you ever followed me around? Or any
other stalker shit?"

"Nah. The furthest I ever went into invading your privacy was with the poetry
account. To find where you worked it was pretty easy. All I had to do was make a
few phone calls for life modeling classes and compare the times with your school
schedule. But you knew I checked your school schedule. That wasn't nothing I
had to hide".

I just rolled my eyes at this nigga. He was so f*cking fortunate that I loved him.
Some of this was really sickening.

"If I were to be with you. Would you stop doing that shit? Clocking me 24/7? Or is
that just something you couldn't give up?" I asked.

"I want to trust you Beyonce. I don't want to be this insecure dude that can't trust
his woman. I promise you I'd do my best to have complete trust in you. But we
have to take baby steps. We have to start somewhere".

"Like no keyloggers?"

He laughed, "Yeah. No keyloggers".

"What are two things you know for sure. Regarding us. But you can't mention the
two things I said about you earlier" he said.

"I know I am extremely horny being here with you and smelling your scent. And I
know I'm not going to let myself sleep with you until my heart is ready to".

"Damn" he said.

I smiled, "Hey. Honesty, right? Have you cried over me since we've been broken
up?"

"Yeah. The same night I put you out. I cried. That's why I wanted you out. I didn't
want you to see me cry".

"You afraid to show your feelings around me?"

"Beyonce. When it comes to us. I am afraid of everything. But just like when i got
on that scary ass roller coaster. I did it just because I would be riding it with you.
I'm willing to go through the shit that scares me. Willing to go on that ride.
Because you are worth the risk, Bee".

"Life is chances that you never get back, Shawn. What is a better risk than love?"

"If I would have asked you to marry me. Back in December. If instead of pulling
out those printed poems, I would have pulled up a diamond ring, and asked you
to be my wife. What would you have said?" he asked me, as if he was this was
more than just a hypothetical.

My heart dropped and my stomach was in knots. I shivered from the emotion. I
shivered and then fiddled with my fingers.
"Well?" he asked, his voice sounding high pitched and anxious.

"I would have said yes. I would have said yes, instantly. Cried. Went home and
made love to you all night long. Shawn. I would have said yes to anything you
asked of me. I would have been your bride. Your wh0re. Your nurse. your
daughters step mother. I would have had your baby, Carter. Been Your f*cking
stock broker if you wanted. Yes. Yes. Yes. To prove my love for you, everything
would have been yes, yes, yes" I said. My eyes were leaking like they normally
did when I got overly emotional. I didn't even try to stop the tears.

"And now? What if I were to ask you now? To marry me?"

I could see his eyes were just as misty as mine were. But I knew the answer to
this question without even thinking. I just wanted to look at him before
answering. Let him see my eyes so he could know how convinced I was. I wanted
him to know I wasn't lying. I wanted him to know, without a shadow of a doubt,
that I meant what I had to say.

"I would look you in your eyes. Tell you I love you. Tell you I am still very much in
love with you. Tell you that my heart moves when you even speak of marriage.
And then i would tell you no. I can't marry you. I won't marry you. Not now. Not
like this. In this state. In this moment".

"Why?" he asked, not in a defensive tone, but a curious one.

"I have learned a lot in these for years, Mr. Carter. Most of it prolly useless. Most
of it I will prolly forget as soon as I get that diploma. But one thing I did learn is
that life is more than just indulging in every single opportunity that presents
itself. Even if I desire it in the moment. Sometimes you get more out of an
opportunity by saying no then you get by saying yes. I need to say no to you,
Shawn. Just like you know deep down, you need to say no to me".

He remained silent for a moment. I couldn't quite read him as he thought. But I
stood by my words, even if they hurt his feelings. We needed time apart, and
false security, even if it involved talk of marriage was not the solution to fixing
us. It was a band aid. He had to know this. But I couldn't tell if he agreed. Not
until he spoke.

"I remember the first time I saw you come into my class. I knew of you just
because the faculty had talked about you. Anytime a 16 year old comes to a
campus, it gets around about them being underage. I knew you were home
schooled. I knew you came from a very religious family. And I remember how
sure of yourself you looked when you came in. You tried to fake it. Fake like you
weren't nervous. Fake like you had it all down packed. Fake like you were ready
to take on this entirely new experience by yourself. I remember thinking to
myself, damn, I am really going to enjoy breaking her down. It wasn't just you. I
feel like that with most of my freshman. It's why I like teaching underclassman.
That first bit of awareness that they aren't shit is the most rewarding experience.
You can teach more by breaking them down first. They are more receptive".

"I think you get just a little too much enjoyment out of this" I smirked.

He smiled, "Maybe I do. It was amazing though. Seeing you transform through
the semesters. Even before I ever thought about the possibility of being with you
I watches as you grew. From a spoiled, shy, know it all, to a very humble,
outgoing, woman with confidence and intelligence. And then of course, I found
out you were still spoiled" he laughed.

"Am not" I shot at him. We laughed some.

"Seeing you grow up before my eyes has been rewarding, Bee. Knowing you are
about to graduate with honors as the president really makes me proud of you.
Not as a lover, or a teacher. But a friend. It makes me happy to see that you
tapped into your potential. But as proud as I am seeing your awards and GPA and
impact on the school. I am most proud of that answer you just gave me. The
conviction you had. It's exactly why i fell in love with you in the first place. You
have a strength, conviction, and confidence that even I envy. You may make
mistakes or act on impulse. But you are passionate about each thing you do.
From making love, to making dinner, to making mistakes. It's contagious".

I wiped my eyes as he complimented me. I smiled hard, although I didn't want to.

"I think I need to rethink my no sleeping with you thing after that" I said
seriously.

He looked at me, all shocked, thinking I was serious and then I burst out
laughing. Nope, sorry sweety, I loved you and all and I believed the sincerity of
your words but I still wasn't going to wind up in your bed. Not tonight, at least.

"You almost had me" he smirked.

"It's that passion we have. The passion we share. It's unmatched" I said.

"I think that's what makes our entire relationship so polarizing" he said.

"Shawn. I been wanting to ask you this question. For a while. And we are still
being honest here, so don't give me any bullshit. But do you think our
relationship? This dangerous relationship we've carried on makes us bad
people?"

"How so?" he asked.

"The code of ethics we have violated. The lies we have told. The laws we almost
broke" I smirked, "Does it mean we are bad people?"
"You want my personal opinion or academic opinion?"

"I asked Shawn. Not Mr. Carter" I smiled.

He nodded.

"I don't think it makes us bad people, Bee. It just means we are flawed. Our
passion for each other is obviously strong. But there is such thing as a
gravitational pull that is too strong. Strong isn't always sustainable. Like a black
hole. So strong it sucks everything into it, even light. So strong, nothing in it's
path is safe. Just like in our situation, nothing in our path is safe. No heart, no
code of ethics, nothing. It all gets sucked into this black hole we call passionate
love. I think we have this flawed connection because it started off going against
the grain. I think we're destined to always be flawed lovers. I think our love will
always have some fundamental flaw".

"That sounds bad. Does that mean we could never be together?"

"Nah it doesn't mean that. But it does mean we will never be able to erase the
foundation of our relationship. A love story that started when a 16 year old girl
walked through the door of an ethics class, completely untouched and unaware".

"You can be so poetic at times. But if that was Shawn answering. What does
Carter have to say? Does this love of ours make us bad people? Mr. C?"

He laughed, "Yes. It does. But he also believes that if we are meant to be

together, then we will be together. Regardless to if it makes us bad people".

He kissed my cheek and drove me back to my car. Before I got out of the car, I
gave him a soft peck on the lips. I wanted more. But I wasn't done getting
closure. There was one more person I had to talk to before I could give in to any
of these desires that tried to steer me off track.

**

It was all ending. It really was. It sank in that I was done with school when I
pressed save on my last essay. I was done. And provided nothing crazy happened
I would finish this semester with another set of straight A's. It wasn't just me that
was finishing up on my undergrad career. Michelle was busy working on her last
story. I made her take a break when i finished, mostly because I was just so
happy that it was finally over.

"Chelle, let's celebrate. PLEASE, celebrate with me" I laughed.

"Does that mean get our drink on?" she asked.

"Hell Yes it does".

She closed her laptop and grinned, "Grab me one then".

I danced my ass into the kitchen, and opened the fridge.

I grabbed two beers and joined her back in the living room. Michelle didn't drink
much, but when she did it was usually me that was convincing her. I still dont
think she even cared for the taste of beer, but we were on our forth one by the
time midnight rolled around. We were laughing and reminiscing about the past
four years.

"Remember the time we ordered that pizza?" I asked.

She covered her face in shame "Oh man. Don't remind me. I can't believe I let
you talk me into that".

"Don't go blaming me. It didn't take much convincing. I dared you and you did it"
I laughed.

We were talking about the time we ordered a pizza and answered the door in our
sexiest bra and panties. It was something Rihanna and I actually did, except
Rihanna answered the door totally naked while I stood in bra and panties, but I
knew I wouldn't be able to convince Michelle to got that far. Even still, after she
answered the door, and the young delivery boy had all but drooled over himself,
she laughed like she had just went streaking. Boredom could really convince us
to do the craziest things.

"What i remember" Michelle said, clearly stumbling over her words because she
was one beer past tipsy, "Is when we went to-dat scrip club".

I grinned, remembering the penis that was slapped across her face.

"You know you liked it" I smiled.

"I just realized Bee. All the bad things I did in college is because of your doing".

I laughed, "Don't look at it like that. Think of it this way. All of the fun things you
ended up doing in college was my doing. Spring Break. Clubs. Parties. I mean,
what social life would you have had if it wasn't for me?"

"I woulda been ok" she said, "I was worried about you for a while there".

"What you mean?" I asked, as I sipped more of my beer.

"Girl, I thought you had lost your mind for a minute. Hanging out all times of the
night. Hanging with....that girl...making mysterious money. I was scared for a
minute".

"You make it sound like I was shooting dope. Stripping. And missing for days".

She smiled, "Well, you kinda was strippin. And wasn't you smoking weed
with....that girl".

"I smoked a few doobies here and there" I laughed, "And I still can't believe my
momma let that slip. But it ain't like I was really OUT there".

"I'm mad that you ain't tell me. What you was shame or something?"

"Not shame. I just didn't wanna tell people. Yall would stay picking on me if yall
found out I was posing nude".

She nodded because she was in agreement, "Uhhhmm. I sure would have".

"Why you call Rihanna 'that girl'? I don't like how yall fight for no reason. Why
don't you like her Shell? She never did anything to you".

"Bee. That girl is just a mess. Drama waiting to happen. You told me straight up
that she was a crazy bisexual chick that cut herself. I mean, why would I wanna
be around that? I wondered why you wanted to be around that. Both me and
Kelly thought she turned you out".

I rolled my eyes "That girl did not turn me out but anyway. Enough of that. Tell
me what nucca you talking to?"
She smiled, "What makes you think I'm talking to someone?"

"Girl I ain't crazy. I done seen you get a phone call and sneak off to your room,
locking the door and talking all low. Or get a text and be all smiling when you
read it. Plus YOU the one that been coming home late. So I know you been
messing with someone. Let me find out you got yo cherry popped and YOU ain't
tell me".

"I was seeing someone. But it wasn't serious. We're just friends now" she said,
sounding serious.

"Did you have sex with them?" I asked, wanting her to be real with me.

She looked at me. I batted my eyes like she owed me this bit of information.

"Does oral sex count as sex?"

I jumped out of my seat and made a huge scene. Little miss christian girl Michelle
was having oral sex.

"Giving or receiving?" I asked her.

"Both" she said shyly, like it was so hard to admit.

I laughed, "Awwww, Shell. Look at you growing up. Now who is the one that is
being fast".

"Hey now. I'm still technically a virgin. I just fooled around a little bit. But I still
ain't been penetrated. So you still the fast one in this apartment".

I shrugged, "Yeah. I guess so. Want another beer?"

"I want a pizza" she grinned.

"Wanna order one naked?"

"Do you?" she asked.

Michelle didn't even like to be in her underwear around me, let alone naked. I
knew she wouldn't be down.

"Nah. I ain't that drunk. I'm still too vanilla for all of the stuff you are into now"
she laughed.

We ended up ordering the pizza from a 24/7 pizza delivery shop that was around
the corner. One half supreme and the other half plain cheese. Michelle didn't like
a bunch of toppings on her pizza. We ate, talked some more, and got sleepy. The
mix of drink and lack of sleep had us slurring our words and talking nonsense. It
also made for the perfect time for us to get serious for a moment.

"I'm glad I roomed with you Bee. Even though we weren't always the closest I
wouldn't have wanted any other roommate. You are my girl" she said, surprising
me because she wasn't one that said many things like that.

"I wouldn't have wanted any other room mate either, Shell. I heard so many
horror stories about bad roommates before coming to college. I'm blessed be one
of the few I know that can say they had roommate they had no beef with. Even
IF you were a little boring at times" I smirked.

"Hey. I thought you was boring too. Your booty got a lil fat and ya turned 18 and
you got turnt out. Don't be mad at me" she said.

"Yeah. I guess my ass did get a lil phat. Had all the niggas checkin it" I said,
halfway sleepy, all the way conceited and intoxicated.

"Niggas and white boys" she added.

We both laughed.

We were both sitting side by side watching TV and unwinding. I even thought she
fell asleep at one point because neither one of us were talking, just staring
straight ahead. But she wasn't sleep. Not yet.

"You know, Bee. I use to think you were so pretty. I loved your shape. Your skin.
Your style. Everything. I was kind of jealous of you when you first moved here"
she said.

"Jealous? Over what? You're beautiful" I said.

"Nah Bee. I'm me. I'm cool. But you? You are beautiful. You think I could be a
model like you? Making money? Nah. That's you. I couldn't pull off half of your
wardrobe cuz I just don't have the body. I don't know. I think I even went through
a period when I didn't want to go out with you because I didn't want to be the
ugly friend".

"Michelle. Are you serious right now? You know you are beautiful your damn self.
You have those perfect lips. Firm cute breast. Gorgeous brown skin Girl get out of
here".

"You really think so?" she asked, shockingly somber, "You think I'm beautiful?"

I locked eyes with her so she could see that I wasn't bullshitting. Known her for
four years, and never once had she flat out told me anything close to this. I felt
like I had to let her know that I meant what I was saying.
"Yes, Michelle. You are incredibly beautiful".

She took a deep breath and she closed her eyes. I looked at her wondering if she
was going to go to sleep now. She looked out of it. She looked like she wasn't in
the present.

"I love you" she whispered, her eyes still closed before she leaned in before I
could even fathom her next move. She kissed my lips like romance was in the air.
Her hands reached for my waist as well. I broke her lips quick and jumped back. I
couldn't believe that she had kissed me.

"What the hell?"

She looked like she had seen a ghost. Her eyes grew watery and wide. She
immediately started freaking out.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I am so sorry" she repeated over and over
again.

She was huffing and puffing like she was having trouble breathing. I tried to calm
her down.

"It's cool, Shelle. It was the alcohol. I'm not trippin" I said to her, hoping for both
our sakes that it really was the alcohol.

She didn't seem to find any comfort in this. She stood up and continued
whispering underneath her breath. I stood up to try and comfort her but she
backed away from me. She turned away and went into her room without another
word to me. I had many nights of drinking that turned into some crazy mess. But
this was a first. What in the hell had gotten into Michelle?

**

For my Grad school application I needed recommendations from teachers. I got

two of my department heads to give me recommendations as well as Professor
Pounder. Pounder said she didn't hand her recommendation papers back through
email so I had to stop by her office to pick it up. She seemed happy when I
walked through the door.
"Hey Miss President" she smiled when she saw me.

She would always formally refer to me. She was a feminist of course, and she
thought the the label was a powerful one. She wanted me to embrace it and not
be ashamed of it.

"Hey" I smiled, "I came to pick up my recommendation".

She nodded, "Oh I know why you are here. Sit down, though. Let me pick your
brain. Seems like just yesterday I saw you in my first class. Now you are applying
for Grad school. How do you feel about that?" she asked as I sat down.

"Honestly? Just relieved. It's been a long, long, long four years".

"Can't wait to get out of here huh?" she smirked, "I feel ya honey".
We shared a little giggle.

"So aside from school. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing really good, actually" I said. I didn't want to go into any of my business
in detail.

"How is your friend?" she asked.

I was caught off guard by this. I didn't know what she was talking about at first.
And then I looked at her smirk and realized then. My fake friend. The one I went
to her for advice. Me.

"She's good" I smiled.

"She figured still a feminist?"

I nodded, "Yes ma'am. And loving every minute of it".

"I'm glad to hear that" she smiled before turning around and looking through her
file cabinet. She pulled out stapled pieces of paper and signed it. Then she
passed it to me. It was my recommendation. The final piece of the puzzle.

I was ready to leave but she was looking at me like I wasn't allowed to leave yet.
Like I hadn't satisfied the minimum requirement of conversation before I could
leave. I decided to make some sort of small talk.

"So how have you been?" I asked.

She was smiling, "Good".

I nodded, and she just looked at me smirking.

"Am I missing something? Did I forget to say Thank you or something?" I laughed.

She shook her head, "Miss President. What happened to your diplomacy skills? I
took the time out of my day to write some very flattering comments about you.
And you can't even entertain me with five minutes of conversation? Right before
you leave this school never to return again? Cuz we all know because of facebook
no one comes to a class reunion. And yall just forget your poor teachers. Why do
you think I have students come pick up their recommendations? I don't write
them just to email them and never hear from my students again" she smiled.

I laughed, "Aight, aight. I get it. My fault".

"Were you in a rush?" she asked.

"Not terribly, no. I was just being rude. Let's start over. How am I feeling about
graduation? Nervous because I have to deliver some big speech in front of the
graduation class and their families and I have no idea what I am going to say
yet".

She smiled "Now that is more like it. I love it. Conflict. Why are you nervous?
Haven't you spoken in front of so many people since you have been President?"

"Yeah, but it is different. I don't want to just say the same ol same ol. Graduation
is special. The ceremony is something we all look forward to. I want my speech to
be a highlight, not something people fall asleep on while they wait for me to shut
up".

"Yes. I have to sit through the commencement every year. Most of those
speeches are boring, so I can understand your nervousness. But I think you will
do a good job" she said.

"And why do you think that? What makes me different from the other students?"

"You actually have something to say" she smiled.

We shared a smile. Then I looked at the picture of her and her partner sitting on
her desk. She was a lesbian with children. She was always so interesting to me as
a person. Her perspective was always unique. And something had been on my
mind all day. I decided if I were to ask anyone, she would be the one.

"Ok. For old times sake. I have a question to ask. It's about a friend".

She grinned hard. And then I remembered that she thought my friend meant me.
It did last time, but I really was talking about my friend this time. Michelle.

"No. I really do mean it this time. It's about my friend" I said.

She laughed to herself and nodded, but her smirk suggested she still didn't
believe me.

"Tell me about your friend".

"I think she is having a sexuality crisis" I said, not really knowing how to explain it
without going into detail.

"How so?"

"Well. She ..drank a lot. And then tried to kiss....her friend".

"Your friend tried to kiss her other friend?" Pounder asked, raising her eyebrow.

"Yes".
"And I assume the other friend is a female?"

"Yeah. And she told her that she loves her. It was during a night of drinking. What
does that mean? You think it could have just been the alcohol talking? "

"Well. It could be. Or it could have been her subconscious talking. I don't know.
You know your friend better than I would. Is your friend a proclaimed
heterosexual?"

"Yeah. She says she is 100% straight".

"Well you already know from my class that I don't believe anyone is 100%
anything. But I hear what you are saying. Let me ask you this. Are the two friends
moving away from each other?"

"Yeah. These are the last few weeks before they go their separate ways" I said.

"Uhm. Well in that case, I would lean towards this being her way of expressing
her desire. When it comes to people that have been holding in secret desires for
someone. The end of the year. End of the line is when they usually confess these
feelings. They bare it all before it's too late. And remember. People fall in love
with people, not genders. She could still be heterosexual" she said.

"She could be homo-romantic" I added, knowing where she was going with this.

"There are an infinite amount of combinations. Sexuality is fluid like that. It's not
a crises. But I think your friends should talk about this. Don't let it remain an
awkward moment. Be honest".

"Yeah. Ima have them talk to each other" I smiled.

She smiled back, "I definitely think you should talk to her".

"But I really am talking about a friend this time" I laughed.

She just smiled. It was as if she knew that there was somebody else I was asking
this question for aside from Michelle.

**

Rihanna was leaving the next day. We decided to head out to the club to
celebrate her last night in Tally. She invited me, a few models from the academy,
and other friends she had met throughout the years. She also invited Jarvis along.
We got a VIP table and had the drinks flowing all night. She seemed to be
genuinely happy. Excited about her new opportunity to go and become a star
model and leave this life behind.
I wanted to be sentimental. I wanted Rih to myself so I could finally tell her what I
had been holding in for so long. But I had to share her with the rest of the people
that loved her. It was then I realized we all loved her crazy ass in so many
different ways. But each of us was going to miss what she brought to our lives.

"Bee, why you lookin all sad and shit? Get your ass up and let's go dance" she
said to me.

She pulled me up and dragged my ass to the dance floor. She had me like that,
always did.
Things got really hot when Jarvis decided to booty dance on Rihanna, popping his
ass like he had much practice off the dance floor. It was sad as hell that he had
the best ass shaking skills out of all of us. After I had a few drinks, and hit the
dance floor with these crazy ass people, I did lighten up and enjoyed myself. How
could I not? I was surrounded by bundles of fun.
The drinks kept flowing but I didn't drink much after the first few. I didn't want to
be wasted. I didn't want Rih to be either. I pulled her aside.

"Hey. I got a surprise for you when we get back to your crib. And I don't want you
passed out when you get it. So no more drinks after this" I said.

She had a suspicious grin on her face. She wanted to know more but she could
tell by the way I was looking that I wasn't going to drop any hints. She took a sip
of her drink and then pushed it aside.

"It bet not be no hallmart card or some shit like that. I can be drunk and read
that".

I knew that was her crazy, difficult on purpose way of letting me know she would
stay sober enough for my surprise. I knew her ways of communicating with me.
We left the club a little after 1. None of us wanted to be out too late. The non-
drinker of our crew dropped me and Rihanna off at her apartment. I had driven
over there and would drive home in the morning.

Soon as we got inside the apartment, Rih was stripping, complaining about it
being a hot and muggy night and how she wanted to shower. She went in the
kitchen to tend to her dog and when she came out, she was butt naked. I just
laughed. Some things about her was just so....her. And only she could do it.

I thought long and hard about what I had to tell her as she showered. Her place
was basically bare. She had donated a lot of her things to the homeless, the only
thing that remained in her apartment was a sofa which she was leaving for the
next tenant and a bed that she had sold to her next-door neighbor. She said her
most important things were in storage and would be sent to New York once she
was ready to send for it. But for the most part she wasn't interested in dragging
her Tallahassee life to New York. She didn't feel a need to bring old clothes and
furniture and things that remind her of this place. She said she was ready to start
over. Move on completely.

She emerged from the bathroom wearing an over-sized Disney World T-Shirt that
stretched down to her knees. I didn't know if she had panties on underneath it,
but knowing her, I doubted it. I had Peanut on my lap when she came into the
living room with me. There wasn't a TV to watch or anything else to entertain us.
But I didn't need anything to entertain me. I didn't need anything to distract. She
thought I was spending the night just to spend one more night with her before
she left me. But in my heart, I couldn't picture Rihanna leaving me.

She sat down on the sofa and just stared at me as I gently caressed her dog.

"I'm mad" she blurted out of nowhere.

I laughed, "Why?"

"You said you had a gift for me and I don't see shit. I peaked in your car and I
ain't see it in there either. Unless it's in the trunk. Then again, maybe I shouldn't
be mad. Maybe you are giving me some money. But if you are giving me money,
why I couldn't get wasted? You got some splainin' to do, miss BeeBee" she
ranted.

"Slow your damn role, woman" I said, shaking my head.

"I want my gift. I'm sleepy. I want it now" she said.

"I'm going to give it to you. Just be patient" I said.

She hissed, "Why? It ain't like it's anything else to do. No TV. And Greys is on
tonight".

I sighed, "Damn. Shut the hell up. Chill out for a second. This is our last night.
Don't you think we should...like reflect?"

She laughed, "Ok, Bee. Let's reflect".

She said it so sarcastically that I didn't even respect it. I rolled my eyes.

"Anyway. Guess who tried to kiss me the other night?" I asked.

"Who?"

"Michelle"

She nearly chocked on her own laugh, "That b*tch tried to kiss you? What the
hell? Run this back".

"We were drinking. Just talking and stuff. We were kinda sleepy. And out of
nowhere she starts talking about how she thought I was so beautiful and how she
thought she was ugly compared to me".

"She ain't lying so far" Rih said, so damn serious.

I chuckled, "Rih. Stop. That girl ain't ugly. I told her that. I was like, you are
beautiful. You got your good qualities too. And like, she starts getting all googly
eyed. And she asks me again if I think she is beautiful. And i'm like yeah, you are.
And I kid you not. She tells me she loves me and then leans in to kiss me. Her lips
touched mine before I backed all the way up. Then she started freaking out and
went in her room and locked it. We haven't said much of anything to each other
since. When i try to bring it up, she changes the subject. Crazy shit, huh?"

"She a dyke. The super christian types always have some dirt on em".

"If she is a dyke, then what am I?" I asked to challenge her.

"You are just a heart breaker. And a fast ass chick. Damn, you even got your
roommate falling in love with you" she laughed.

"Takes one to know one. I'm not the one that has had like 3 niggas propose to
her" I said, rolling my eyes.

"Oh you know ima heart breaker. But your ass was pose to be the innocent girl. I
told you not to follow in my footsteps".

"Why are you so against me following in your footsteps?" I asked.

"Cuz. Look at me. I ain't shit. Im just a model. You? You set the beat to your own
drum. You use your mind and shit. There is no reason for you to follow after any
precedent I set. Ever".

"Then why did you introduce me to feminism?"

"That's different".

"Is it? I'm influenced by you. Can't you see that?" I asked her.

"We influence each other. But I'm just saying, you need your own identity. And it
never needed to be me".

"Maybe I shouldn't tell you the surprise then" I said.

She raised her eyebrow, "What are you talking about? My surprise is something
you have to tell me?"

"In a way, yeah".

Rih could be impatient. She didn't like the run around.

"Just spit it out, Bee. What are you trying to say?"

"I don't want you to leave, Rih. I don't. I don't want you out of my life. I need you
in my life" I said, staring at her.

For once in her life, outside of infancy, she was speechless. She didn't say
anything with her mouth, but she was speaking with her face. It looked like she
thought I was the biggest idiot in the world.

"Rihanna. I know it's too late to tell you to stay here. Plus it would be fair to tell
you to stay when your dreams are elsewhere. Plus I'm not going to be here long
anyway. I've thought long and hard about my life and the people in it. And the
one constant has been you. The one person I can count on is you. The one I know
has my back completely is you. And I don't feel like I'm ready to fly solo, without
you. So...this is my surprise. I am going to NYC with you. I am going to go to Grad
school up there. Maybe we can even get an apartment together. I don't care how
it works, I just don't want to be out of your life. Not yet" I said.

It sounded a lot more poetic in my head. But Rihanna was still looking as if I had
told her I was born a Gremlin. She didn't seem receptive to what I was telling her.
Not in the slightest. I immediately felt rejected.

"Beyonce. What the hell are you talking about? Why do you want to come to New
York? You have your life to live, Bee. And your life does not include following me.
I won't allow that. In fact, my heart cannot allow that".

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She laughed a bitter laugh to herself.

"Bee. You are like a razor to me. And our friendship cuts so much deeper than the
little blades I would use when I was feeling hurt. It actually pisses me off that you
can't see it. And what happened to your new boyfriend anyway?"

"Wallace?" I asked.

"Uh. Yeah. Unless you met someone else since then".

"I broke things off with him" I said.

She shook her head, "Figures".

"Rih. I don't understand what you are angry about. I want to be near you. Why
don't you want the same?" I asked, feeling myself getting teary eyed.

"Why do you want to be near me?"

"Because you are my best friend" I said.

"We are adults Beyonce. That doesn't fly. We can't follow each other around the
world because we are best friends. Hell, I might not even stay in NY long. I'm not
stable. I might just pack one day and go to LA. Or leave the country altogether.
You can't follow me around".

"You don't understand" I said to her, angry that she was reacting like this.

"You are right. I don't. I don't understand why you tell me this the day before I
leave".

"Rihanna. Do you wanna know? Do you really want to know why I want to be near
you? Why I'm not ready to let you go? Because I love you. I am in love with you.
Ok?"

She laughed "In love with me? Oh when did you figure this out?"

"I just recently admitted it to myself, Rihanna. I didn't know how to deal with it. I
had to be sure before I could just tell it to you".

She laughed again, "Beyonce. You don't know what love is. You end up loving
everyone. Everyone".

"Are you seriously telling me I don't know what love is?" I screamed at her.

"Yes. I am. You don't. And even if you did, you haven't yet learned how to deal
with it".

"So you are just going to reject what I am telling you? Because you just know
everything, huh?"

"Beyonce. Why are you just now telling me this?"

"Because I was afraid, Rih. Damn. I didn't know what this made me. I'm not
attracted to women. Just you. I don't want to f*ck women. Just you. I don't know
what this means when it comes to my sexuality. But I do believe I can love a
person because I love them. Regardless of what sexual organ they have. And I
know I love you, Rih. Better late than never, right?"

She had tears in her eyes now, "So what do you want from me, Bee? What, you
wanna be my girlfriend?"

"I don't know" I said.

"You never know what you want. That's why I don't accept this entire love
confession. I don't know what phase you are dealing with now. But I don't accept
it as love. You know why? Because you have never acted in a way that let me
know that you loved me. Ok sure, you luh me as a friend. But as anything more?
What have you done to show me this? Did you invite me to meet your parents?
No. That was for Michelle. Did you put me at all in your plans when you said
months ago you were moving? No. You want to talk about love? How about this. I
was offered a modeling gig in Paris last year. But I turned it down because I knew
you needed me. I knew you needed someone to be there for you and I didn't
want you to go through your shit alone. I turned down numerous job offers
because I loved you, Beyonce. And what do I get in return? A woman who cares
more about a stupid ass label then showing me that she supposedly is in love
with me".

"Rih. I'm sorry. You are right. I did a lot of shit that didn't show you what I am
saying now. But please charge that to my head and not my heart".

"Bee. I can't be bothered with that place that is your heart. Not anymore. I was
there for you through everything. And did you ever think that maybe...just
maybe. Love was already in your life? That you didn't have to jump from person
to person? Look. Let Wallace or your teacher boyfriend or whoever else mend
your heart".

"This isn't about Wallace or anyone else" I said.

"YES IT IS" she screamed, her tears flowing, "It is. It always its Beyonce. It's
always somebody else. You forever overlook me" she said weakly, "I was in love
with you for how many years? I don't consider myself a lesbian or bisexual, but I
was willing to let myself love you because I wasn't afraid of the labels. I don't let
White Jesus run me".

"Rih why are you doing this? I'm telling you that I am sorry. I'm telling you we can
start a new from here. But you just refuse to accept it. You are running from me.
Why? Why run from love when I am telling you right now it is here?"

"Because you don't know what love is, Bee" she said, once again, even more
piercing than the first.

"Stop saying that" I screamed at her.

"You fall for types, Bee. That's all you do. The older guy. The younger guy. The
drug dealer. The white guy. Now I fill in the gap as the bi-curious girl. Well I
refuse to let myself believe this. I know you better than you know yourself, Bee.
And you have not found out that you don't need to be with someone to be
happy".

I was on the defensive. My gloves were off. I was ready to defend myself and
assault her.

"I'd rather know I need someone in my life than self destructing because I am
afraid to love. You drown your feelings with pain. You are a masochist and one of
the most broken and f*cked up people I know. And you know this. Don't act like
this makes you better because you can run away. You are just using some
bullshit about me being afraid of labels to justify your fear of accepting that I do
love you".

"Is that how you feel, Bee?" she asked, calmly.

"Yes" I said harshly.

"Then why do you still want to go to NYC with me?"

"Because I told myself no when it came to you for three years. And for once, I
want to say yes. A complete, resounding yes".

We were both standing up facing each other. Tears overflowing in both of our
eyes. I wanted to make love to Rihanna. I didn't want a dildo or a strap on or any
other toys. I wanted to hold her. I moved in and even though everything about
her body language suggested that she was telling me no. Her lips told me yes
when they met mine halfway. We kissed passionately. We cried passionately. I
backed her into the wall and kissed her neck. I kissed the tears from her face.

We ended up in her bedroom. I removed my club wear and we laid in the bed
together. As much as I wanted to make love to her, I could sense she wasn't
emotionally able to handle it. So we didn't take off each others clothes. We just
laid in bed tonguing each other. I don't know how long this lasted. I lost count.
Maybe 30 minutes. Maybe an hour. But we softly kissed with our eyes closed and
fell asleep in this embrace. Rih was never the type of woman that wanted to be
held during intimacy. But she wanted it this time. She moved into me and I held
her. I didn't care what this meant in regards to my sexuality. All I cared was that
the person I loved, woman or not, was in my embrace.

When I woke up, she was gone. No trace of her. Her dog, and the one bag she
had with her. All that remained was a note she had tucked into my purse. A note I
could barely read because I was balling.

Bey. You are my soul mate. Never forget that. Never doubt it. I love you. I accept
that you love me. Soul mates transcend friendship and romantic love. Soul mates
share a deep and natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality,
and compatibility. I feel more in tune with you than I have with anyone in my life.
But soul mates do not necessarily mean lovers. And if you feel what i feel, then
you understand that. You understand that our love isn't sex, even if it includes
sex. It's not lust, even if it includes lust. You understand, just like I do, that we
became soul mates not because we wanted to be romantic, but because we
shared a soul. Twin flames as they say.

But Beyonce. Because I am your soul mate, I understand that you need to be
apart from me. I understand that I am stifling your development. You need to be
on your own. Flying on your own. Loving on your own. Living on your own. You
can't become the woman you are suppose to be with me guiding you. Please
respect my wishes and do not follow me to NYC. Ok?

You are right about me running. I am running. I am running from the disaster that
were to occur if me and you chose to try and become lovers. Our friendship
would be ruined. And even if I wanted to be with you before. I know now, it isn't
worth ruining what we have.

Rih

Chapter 33

The last few days of school were suppose to be the culmination of all of the great things that
went on the past four years. A celebration of my hard work and dedication. This was how I
tried to treat it as I sat in the library and typed up my speech. Graduation was next week and
my parents and family were coming down to see me walk across that stage. I tried to remain
happy even though my heart was heavy. It was difficult to write a speech about celebration
when I was feeling so rejected.

Jarvis called me while I typed but I didn't answer. I figured I would call him later. But he
called me again seconds later. I ignored the call again, but when he called a third time right
after, I knew it was important. He never called me back to back to back like that.
I answered quietly, so I wouldn't disturb the other students.

"What? I'm in the library" I whispered.

"Did you not see?"

"See what?" I asked.

He told me he would meet me outside of the library but he wouldn't tell me what was so
urgent. I emailed my unfinished speech to myself and left to go see what this nigga was going
through. I walked outside and Jarvis was walking towards me. I didn't immediately recognize
it, but by the time he was in my face, I saw eyes looking at me from all directions. People
were pointing, whispering, but all of them staring at me. Then I looked at Jarvis. His eyes
scared me. His eyes told the entire story. He handed me the magazine that all of the students
standing outside were reading. It was a copy of the Spring Edition FAMU Magazine, which
was a journalism program that I gave funding to. It had apparently just been released. And
sure enough, when my eyes graced the cover, my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Love, Sex, and Conflict on Campus: The true love story between the
school Valedictorian and her Professor
He has a near perfect rating on ratemyprofessor.com. His classes are among the most
popular at the school and for good reason. "He's charismatic, funny, intelligent, down to
earth, engaging, and very handsome," says Tiana Lawrence, a current student of Professor
Shawn Carter. He's written books on ethics and philosophy and heads several boards not
only around FAMU but Tallahassee and New York City as well. He's been featured on NPR
and was quoted in the CNN special Black In America. The 35 year old Professor, born in
Brooklyn, now asks questions to FAMU freshman and sophomores about the meaning of life,
and love, and right, and wrong.

She scored an unprecedented come from behind victory last spring in the President Election,
after being down considerably in the early polls. She's been featured in the local news for a
non-profit organization she started her sophomore year that focused on literacy in
disenfranchised teenagers. "I think she has done a wonderful job as president and is an
example of what can be accomplished by a hard working student. To top things off, she even
came to school when she was just 16. She's doing all of this, and she isn't even old enough to
drink," said Professor Tre Thompson, a current math teacher of Beyonce Knowles.

The plot thickens. 16 year old Beyonce first met Professor Carter like most freshman did. In
his ethics class, where the weekly firestorm of banter and debate on ethical principles help to
cultivate the moral compass that students are going to need now that they are away from
parents. This is one reason why the school encourages freshman to take ethics their first
semester. They were in a new world now; a more real "real world" with temptation and tough
choices. Mr. C, as the students often called him, was all about asking the tough questions.
One question he asked for a final paper was if dating between faculty and students was
ethical. Beyonce received an A+ on the paper.

She ended up receiving A's in every one of his classes. In fact, she took an extra class with
him that did not even count towards her major. Mr. C is a favorite teacher for many students,
so maybe that isn't so out of the ordinary. But the academic relationship between the future
School President and Professor Carter goes much deeper than the surface.
Both of them were prominent members of the school chapter of NAACP. He was on the board
that also selected Beyonce to be on the Committee that made decisions on behalf of the
campus organization. Both of them have become ambassadors for the school. Mr. C has
significant influence because of his many contributions and work within the programs and
organizations of FAMU. He could very easily use his influence to help any student that is in
need of it.

This happened when the School Paper was set to print a story on the non-profit organization
that Beyonce and former NAACP President (and her current Vice President) Jarvis Smith
pitched to the rest of NAACP. The newspaper was already printed and ready to be distributed
to the campus, but Mr. C got an early copy of the paper and demanded for the front page
story to be changed. He said the article did not include quotes from Beyonce and since it was
her idea, she deserved credit for it, not NAACP as a whole.

Even though reprinting the newspapers cost the Journalism department thousands of dollars,
his request was honored, a testament to the influence he did have. On the surface this just
looks like a teacher doing right by his students. But the conflict of interest becomes apparent
when documents were uncovered that show that Mr. C was the one that financed the non-
profit organization started by Beyonce.

This wouldn't be the last time Mr. C broke school code and helped Beyonce financially in an
area that directly helped her academic career. He transferred $10,000 dollars to her account,
which she used to throw a promotional party for her student president campaign. It was an
outside party that students on facebook could not stop talking about, especially since it
featured hip hop superstar T-Pain. Looking at Beyonces academic resume, it's hard to find
anything that Mr. C is not in someway attached to. His influence is undeniable.

Why would an ethics instructor, break school code to help a student of his out financially?
Help her get her ideas off the ground and help her become the best she could be? Maybe this
question becomes easier to answer when you consider that these two have been in love the
past four years.

Behind closed doors, outside of the city, and state, and even on campus, a romance was
taking place between the two. A romance that ethics would forbid but passion would permit.
He kisses her tenderly while they await their meal at a 5 star seafood restaurant. She holds
his hand and whispers in his ear before laying her head on his shoulder. Teacher and Student
become Shawn and Beyonce. And though secret and hidden from the outside world, their love
for each other is very real.

Relationships are private affairs, except when they violate school conduct, include public
office holders and faculty, and could possibly include academic fraud. This relationship also
could have violated Florida Laws, when it comes to Statutory rape. Beyonce was 16 when she
first entered Mr. C's classroom. She was 17 when she was one of a few dozen students, invited
to be involved with a project Mr. C oversaw. A project that every summer had students going
to multiple southern states and talking to underprivileged women. It was here that Beyonce
met Camile, the illiterate teenager that Beyonce spoke of when she gave her speech to
NAACP to get approval for her non-profit organization.

But something else was possibly happening when the then 17 year old future President was
away with Mr. Carter and the rest of the students on the trip.
"I roomed with Beyonce on that trip. I remember she left the room in the middle of the night
and didn't come back till like an hour later. I didn't know where she went. But she was gone
for awhile," said one of the students that had been on the trip. She wishes to not be named.

Florida law states : 794.05 Unlawful sexual activity with certain minors.-- (1) A person 24
years of age or older who engages in sexual activity with a person 16 or 17 years of age
commits a felony of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or
s. 775.084. As used in this section, "sexual activity" means oral, anal, or vaginal
penetration by, or union with, the sexual organ of another.

More than being a legal issue, this is an academic issue. Beyonce Knowles has a perfect
GPA, even after receiving a B in a class her junior year. But she was able to fix this by
tutoring students in math; she is receiving her degree in education so she gets honors credits
by doing this. Once again, conflict of interest is found because Mr. Carter's daughter goes on
the middle school that offered the program. When the school was contacted, they said that
they gave out flyers to all of the parents advertising the College Reach Out Tutoring
program, which allowed for recommended undergrad education majors or Grad-students to
tutor kids for college credit. Coincidence or did he have a hand in helping her out in that
area as well?

Mr. C undoubtedly has been a key asset for Beyonce in her rise up the school's social and
career ladder. An asset that other students do not have. An unfair advantage. This is why
FAMU forbids student/teacher relationships when the student is in their class, and frowns
upon faculty/student relationships at all. Even if this romance between Mr. C and his student
did not violate Florida laws and that they were consenting adults when they had sex, it still
violates the FAMU lawbook.

The School Policy is as follows:

Faculty members shall not engage in consensual relationships with students whenever a
faculty member has a professional "position of authority" with respect to the student in
such matters as teaching a course or in otherwise evaluating, supervising, or advising a
student as part of a school program. Should a consensual relationship develop, or appear
likely to develop, while the faculty member is in a position of authority, the faculty member
and/or the student shall terminate the position of authority. Even when the faculty member
has no professional responsibility for a student, the faculty member should be sensitive to
the perceptions of other students that a student who has a consensual relationship with a
faculty member may receive preferential treatment from the faculty member or the faculty
member's colleagues.

The penalty for non-compliance of that policy is as follows:

Any credible allegation of a faculty member's failure to avoid or terminate a position of

authority while in a consensual faculty-student relationship obligates the department chair,
dean, or other responsible person to conduct a prompt and thorough inquiry to determine
whether the allegation is true. Where it is concluded that a position of authority in a
faculty-student consensual relationship exists and the faculty member and/or the student
involved refuse(s) to terminate the position of authority, the department chair or dean shall
terminate the position of authority and can impose sanctions against the parties involved.

A list of chat logs and photos of the two engaging in romantic and sexual activity has been
forwarded to the school for investigation purposes. It's not a matter of if these two should be
allowed to love each other. It's obvious by the way they argue like a married couple when
they are mad at each other and smile like it's Christmas morning when they are around each
other that their love is no different from the love between any two passionate people. But their
relationship is different, because it has led to an unfair monopoly on certain positions within
the school. She even did a documentary on Mr. C (that he would later block from being
archived in the library) for a final project for an African American History course. Using a
position of authority to help your lover is admirable in the case of showing your love for her,
but morally shallow.

For at least three years they have been communicating through instant messaging and they
have been sexually involved for at least two, with chat logs and pictures to support both of
these claims. The question that is posed to the reader is, what should become of this secret
affair? Should they be punished for simply loving each other? Is love, in this instance,
unethical. Log on to the Campus Website and click the "FAMU Life Poll Question" link and
vote. Or log into the forums and discuss this story in detail. Below are candid pictures of the
two captured from the past four years. Over 100 photos were captured during this
investigation.

They love to travel together. They have been as far as New York for get away time. This time they are going to Disney
[photo taken 2009]
They drove 2 hours outside of the city to have this romantic dinner
[photo taken 2007]

Clothes coming off as they engage in sexual activity in the basketball

locker rooms (every students fantasy, right?)
[photo taken 2007]
They have early morning breakfast on a boat in the Gulf of Bay.
[photo taken 2007]
They share a drink and a smile on the balcony of an Athens hotel where they went to a Georgia football game
[photo taken 2009]
No caption needed.
[photo taken 2009]

This writer and photojournalist of this story wishes to remain uncredited.

**

My blood boiled over. I raced to my car to head home as the commotion around campus
intensified to that of a riot. People were yelling things at me and laughing and making noises.
But my mind was focused on one thing and one thing only. Finding her.

She could say she wished to remain uncredited but I knew the only person that could have
wrote that story. How could I have missed the signs? She bought a camera she said was for
photo journalism when I was a sophomore. She was observant beyond belief. She even had
told me before she wanted to be an investigation journalist and uncover political scandals. But
I could not believe she would do this to me. I had shown Michelle my back and she had
stabbed me with the knife.

Jarvis rode in the passenger seat with me and was talking about I wasn't listening. I was
replaying events in my head and trying to piece together how she could have done this.
Obviously, she had followed me for the past four years so she could take those pictures.
Hiding in bushes and things like that. How did I miss her? This puzzled me. She also had
checked into my computer history so she could read my chat logs. I hated myself for not
deleting them. I was always too lazy to delete the message history even though I did it to
satisfy Carter the first few months we started talking on the thing.

I couldn't believe the same thing I help give funds to, this magazine, was what led to my
relationship with Carter being exposed. And the person I lived with for four years would be
the person to expose it. Life was a b*tch. I sped up, anxious to confront this chick as Jarvis
spoke.
"Is all of that true, Bee?"

I just looked at him and kept driving without a word. He looked shocked. I thought about
what Carter was thinking. Damn, she painted it to make it look like the nigga was molesting
me or something. She even included shit about statutory rape which I knew would get Carter
in some serious trouble. Maybe they would even look into taking his daughter away from him.
I had to call him and see what was happening on his end, but I needed to see Michelle first.
The more I thought, the more the intricacies of how this even came about was revealed. The
Student Paper would have never ran a story like this because there were multiple faculty
members that ran it. And all of them were friends with Carter so he would have read the story
way before it came out. Hell, he would have heard about the story before it was even written.

But this magazine was an entirely new thing and the students ran it completely. If they
wanted, no faculty could even see the contents of it before it was released. This was one of the
things that journalism students fought for because they felt their ideas for stories were being
shut down by faculty. They wanted to act as watch dogs, but politics of the school didn't allow
them to say many negative things about the school or faculty members or student government.
Journalist felt that the only way a society could have a democracy as if they also had
journalist. And this magazine was a way for them to have a true democracy. They could print
a story about a secret relationship with a student and teacher, and not worry about faculty
shutting it down before going to print. It was genius on their part.

When I got to the apartment, it was empty. Michelle had packed up her belongings and was
gone. Clothes, electronics, even her toothbrush. This proved it. She double crossed me and
then left like a coward. I was so angry I knocked over a lamp, causing it to crash into pieces.
Jarvis tried to calm me down but I couldn't stay calm. I stormed back out of the door not
knowing where I was going but just wanting to know where she could have went. I called her
phone and it went straight to voice mail.

I thought that maybe she had went home to Miami. School was over. Technically, she didn't
even have to walk for Graduation if she didn't want to. They could just send her diploma. This
infuriated me all the more. How could she do this to me? How could anyone do this to
someone they considered a friend? Someone they lived with? Someone they said they loved?

I looked through my phone and tried to find the number of Michelle's friend, the girl I saw her
with in that porta potty. The girl I was now convinced was Michelle's secret lover. She picked
up.

"Hello?" she asked uneasily.

"Do you know where Michelle is?" I asked, trying not to sound as angry as I was.

"Uhm. No. Is this Beyonce?"

"Yes. Where is Michelle?"

"I don't know" she said, trying to sound so convincing. I didn't buy it.

"Where is she b*tch? I know you know".

"I swear to God, I don't know where Michelle is" she assured me.
I hung up. I was so stuck. I lost. There was no way I could find her if she didn't want to be
found. Michelle won. She simply won.

"I think I can found out where she is" Jarvis said, once he saw me on the verge of breaking
down.

"How?"

He took out his cell phone and called.

"Yo? Tip? You heard about the magazine?" he asked.

I watched Jarvis nod his head and then give me the phone, "Tip wants to talk to you".

I took the phone, "Hey".

"I am so sad about what happened" was what he said.

I just sighed. I was at a loss for words to explain how angry I was.

"I can't believe Michelle did this to me. And she kept up the act of being my friend for four
years while she collected this evidence".

"Have you talked to her?" he asked.

"No. I can't. She left. I came home and everything is gone. She just left. Our lease isn't even
up yet. She just high tailed it out of here. Last night she was acting like everything was all
good".

"She's a coward" he said.

I just laughed bitterly into the phone. Jarvis watched. I wondered why Jarvis called Tip and
how he could help.

"Shawty, I can prolly locate her. I got some friends in the journalism department. I can ask
them. If they know, they will tell me" he said.

"Please? Could you do that asap and let me know?" I asked.

"I got you Shawty. Ima hit you back in a few minutes".

"Ok. Thanks Tip".

He wasn't lying. A few minutes later he was calling me back with the address of the place
Michelle was staying for the night until she flew home in the morning. It was with one of her
journalism friends. One of the people that had helped her on the story. Soon as I wrote down
the address I programmed it into my phone and me and Jarvis were on the road, following the
GPS directions. It wasn't too far, only 20 minutes away. I thought about Tip and when i first
met him I was with Michelle. He told me that he was a many of many talents and that one day
I would need him. I would have never guessed his biggest help would be in trying to help me
hunt down my double crossing roommate.

When we got to the place, I had Jarvis knock on the door while I waited on the side, hidden
by a wall. I didn't want them to know I was out there in case they were checking peep holes. It
was a pretty quiet looking neighborhood. Middle to high class in property value. A place you
wouldn't expect a college kid to live. I assumed multiple students lived here and split the cost.

Someone answered the door and I heard them ask what did he want. Jarvis said he was
looking for Michelle and I heard her speak. I heard that raspy ass voice and I lost my damn
mind. I ran from behind the wall and inside of the home and charged at the lanky girl that sat
on the couch. She looked like she was seeing God for the first time and she knew she was
going to hell.

I jumped on top of her and started swinging. She screamed. The girls in the house screamed
and tried to get me off of her but Jarvis kept them back. He understood like I understood. She
deserved this ass whooping. He had to at leave give me five minutes to wear her ass out.

I punched her in the eye one good time and she somehow found the strength to push me off.
When she did, she ran towards the front door but I grabbed her by the shirt. She was pleading
with me.

"Bee, stop it. I'm sorry" she said, which only made me angrier.

When I got her back towards me she grabbed my hair. Stupid b*tch. I grabbed her hair back
and we spun each other around, knocking over frames and lamps and decorations and
whatever else was in our way.

"Let em fight" I heard Jarvis say, "Let Shell get what she deserves".

She bit my hand and I screamed again. She managed to punch me in my face. She was
fighting for her life. But unfortunately for her, she was too skinny and didn't have the will to
fight me like I had to fight her. She was defending herself. I was on the assault. And she was
simply making me angrier by fighting back. I charged into her ribcage and pushed her outside
on the porch. She tried to crawl away when she got on her knees but I kicked her in the head
and she went tumbling down the three steps that led to the front lawn. She coughed and cried.

I ran up behind her and pushed her on her back. I sat on her while she tried to grab my arms.

"Please. Please Bee. Stop. Please" she begged.

"Please my ass. How could you? How could you f*cking do that to me? Shell? Your girl?" I
asked.

Her eyes were red and puffy and teary. She didn't have a response for me. So I did what I
needed to do. I proceeded to punch her in the face non stop, cussing, screaming, and feeling
release with each swing. All she could do was do her best to block her head as I made contact,
each time causing her head to bounce against the grass. I could have killed her. I was
swinging that hard, where I could have literally killed her. When Jarvis saw that I wasn't
planning on stopping anytime soon he ran over to me and pulled me off saying "That's enough
Bee. Don't kill the b*tch".

I tried to jump back on her beaten body but he picked me up and walked me away. When he
sat me down and I saw numerous people outside watching, camera phones out. I lost it. I
simply broke down on my hands and knees and cried. One of the neighbors ended up calling
the police and they came out right as I was trying to leave. They kept trying to ask us what
happened but Michelle, nor her friends would cooperate. Still, they could see that I had put an
ass whooping on her so severe that she needed to go to the hospital.

One of the neighbors that saw the fight, an older white lady, told the police that I had battered
Michelle. I was promptly put in hand cuffs and put under arrest. I cried as I was read my
rights. I was taken to the local jail and booked. My mug shot was taken and I was held in a
cell for charges of battery and trespassing. Both were misdemeanors, and since Michelle and
her crew was refusing to press charges against me, they let me go once Jarvis and Kelly
posted my bond. My nightmare was just beginning though.

I found out my story was now a local story on the Tallahassee website. There was a video of
my fight with Michelle as well as the story of Michelle's article now on the front page. The
entire city saw this before I even had a chance to tell my own mother what was happening. I
felt cheated. I could only imagine how things were going for Carter.

**

The story became national news in just a few days. People were so fascinated by the story,
particularly the double cross of the writer. Michelle was gaining even more press than I was.
Her article was being posted on blogs and forums and was discussed at Harvard during a
journalism class. There were case studies being done about it and interviews being conducted
by the school. My phone blew up. The only person I answered for was my mother. I didn't
even answer for Solo. I didn't know what to say.

The school didn't know what to say either. They had a huge mess on their hands, from the
fight to one of their most respected teachers being at the center of this, as well as their highest
ranking student. They suspended me even though school was over and terminated Carter
immediately. The dean spoke to the media about how they were doing an internal
investigation and that they were extremely disappointed in the behavior of all involved.
During their investigation they didn't find any evidence that i had cheated or that Carter had
ever attempted to help me cheat. Therefore, they didn't have any power to not allow me to
graduate.

They also didn't find any evidence that Carter and I had a sexual relationship prior to me
turning 18. They couldn't find anything because there wasn't a sexual relationship when I was
a minor. This meant that although Carter was brought in to the police department for
questioning, they had to let him go and they couldn't do anything to his daughter.

I wanted to call him so bad, but I didn't. I felt it was best if we didn't communicate while all of
this was going on. I felt horrible that our secret had been found out by someone close to me. I
blamed myself for not recognizing that I was living with the enemy. Friends close and your
enemies closer. I could not figure out why she would have done this. I thought that since she
liked Carter before I did, maybe she became angry when she found out I was messing with
him way back then. Maybe she got even angrier because I never told her I was messing with
him. She did tell me she was jealous at one point.

Regardless of why she had done it, I could tell she felt guilty. It was why she didn't press
charges against me. She knew she was dead wrong. She knew what she did was 10 times
worst than anything she detailed in her article. But the damage was done. To her face and to
my heart.

With Graduation still three days away the school was forced with the task of deciding if they
would let me walk, or if it would be disgraceful. At first, I didn't even want to walk. I was
going to fly home to Houston and just let them mail my diploma. What was the point of
bringing more scrutiny to myself? What was the point of delivering a speech?

But something that Pounder told me kept ringing in my head. She told me what separated me
from others that spoke was I had something to say. I didn't really take it serious when she first
said it, but now? I DID have something to say. And I wanted to say it. To everyone. Michelle
had painted me to be some chick that used her relationship with a teacher to become someone
at the school. That was far from the truth. And it wasn't fair to me. My reputation was already
ruined. But I wanted to at least have the last word. A chance to tell everyone my side of the
story. I was contacted by the Tallahassee Democrat to do an exclusive interview to tell my
side of the story but I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to do that to Carter either because I
knew they would ask questions about him.

I wanted to speak in my own words. And I knew, that graduation stage was the one place
where I could have everyones full attention and could speak my mind.

The University saw this as an opportunity for even more press. They figured instead of
looking at the negative of this situation, they could look on the bright side. They had a
national story on their hand and saw the chance to promote
a program of the school. They decided they would hold a trial, ran completely by the
students. Student judge, student lawyers, student jurors, and they would decide if I should be
able to speak at Graduation. It was FAMU's way of leaving that difficult decision out of their
hands, so if it backfired they could just blame it on the students. Smart move.

The trial happened just a day before graduation, inside the school Auditorium. There was not
an empty seat in the house. The prosecuting lawyer was no other than James, the guy was
persistent in asking me out when I first started dating Carter. The guy that Carter even
suggested I go on a date with. James was going to be a lawyer and this was good practice for
him, to convince the jury that I should not be allowed to speak at Graduation. He thought I
disgraced the reputation of the school and that I shouldn't be allowed to graduate at all. Or
maybe he was still salty that he didn't get no play from me.

He looked anxious to convict me.

I rolled my eyes at him. He began his offense by claiming that a lack of evidence was not
evidence that I had not cheated my way to the top. When he delivered his closing argument, I
felt as naked as I had ever felt in my life. Naked, for all the world to see.

"Do we believe. For one second ladies and gentleman. Do we believe that a man that pulled
strings to get her in that newspaper. Pulled strings to help her get that 4.0+. Pulled strings to
help her win the presidency. Do we believe that this same man wouldn't pull strings to help
her pass classes? Do we have to remind everyone that Professor Carter is friends with many
teachers? And could possibly have copies of exams and essays? What about his own class?
Why was Miss Knowles taking a class with him that didn't count towards her major? Do we
believe that he never once helped her out? His lover? Even if it only happened ONCE. It is
still academic fraud. It is still cheating. And cheating is grounds for expulsion from this
University. We don't reward cheaters by allowing them to represent a graduation class on
stage. I want each of you to ask, did it happen....once? Ladies and gentleman, her academic
reputation is forever tarnished. All of her accomplished are tarnished. Everything she has
touched is tarnished. Should we reward her? Professor Carter gets fired but Miss Knowles
gets off free?"

My defense was some guy I had only met a few times during Student Government meetings.
He wanted to help get the people on my side by getting people to speak on my behalf. He
wanted them to think about me as a person and not about my indiscretions. He got Professor
Pounder, the only teacher that ever gave me a C, to speak on my behalf.

"First off, I want to respond to Mr. Macky, who stated that President Knowles is getting off
free. Jurors, do we really believe this? Do we accept that a woman who has had her personal
business in the news for a week is getting off free? Knowing that this situation will affect her
for the rest of her life. Is this getting off free? Is this trial? Having to relive her pain over and
over again, not punishment enough? They found no evidence of cheating. So you can't use
cheating as your argument against her speaking. I've watched President Knowles grow. From
a freshman to a senior. I've watched her closely. I've read her essays and had very candid
conversations with her. I've met cheaters before, and I can tell you right now. I don't believe
for one second that this woman cheated herself first of all. I don't believe she has it in her to
cheat through school because she isn't someone who takes the easy way out. In her academic
career, or as we can all see, in her personal relationships. Now I can agree that there is a
conflict of interest here. Her relationship with Professor Carter had many conflicts of interest.
But ask yourself this. How can we demonize President Knowles for conflict of interest but
reward Michelle Williams? The writer of that article and her roommate? Why is it that
President Knowles is the monster for simply falling in love and Michelle Williams gets off
free because she advanced her career?"

James responded to this by reading my paper that I wrote my freshman year. Specifically the
part when I said students should not date faculty because it's unfair to the other students and
could promote situations that led to unethical behavior. He used my own words against me. I
cringed. Pounder responded by saying that it was a paper of a girl before love and growth. She
said the difference between a freshman paper and a senior paper on the same topic could be
night and day different. She told him that my academic life was separate from my personal
life.

My defense also had one more person to speak on my behalf. Someone that could help them
see my character. Someone that most students knew I had issues with. Nicki.

"As most of yall all know. I never got along with Beyonce. We had our little issues. It started
over a boy we both liked when we were freshman. But also as most of you know. Beyonce
had a chance to really expose me. She had a chance to put her neck to my throat. But she
didn't. She came to this school as the underdog. Young. No friends. No environment. New
state. And she worked hard to get where she got. We all network. Hell, the only way I got in
certain positions was by people I knew. Networking isn't bad. If you used conflict of interest
to say someone's work is tarnished, then we should outlaw all networking. I don't think she
did anything wrong. I used my sorority to help me with my party. She used her man. Not her
teacher. Her man. She has a good heart. She isn't a bad person. And it's not like she is asking
for the world here. Just be able to graduate with her class and say some words to them. What
harm does it bring? Bad reputation for the school? Please. The only reason someone would
really want to keep her from saying what she has to say, is to be unusually cruel. She's
suffered enough. Let her have her moment to defend herself or say what she has to say".

Nicki looked at me and we both smiled at each other softly. I was so thankful for her.

James tried to bring up my arrest but none of that seemed to help get the people on his side. It
was clear that the people were for me. They gave Nicki and Pounder and standing ovation
when they were done with their words. A few people booed James. When the jurors gave their
verdict, my lawyer grabbed my hand like I had just beat murder. I laughed to myself. Looks
like I had a speech to write that night.

**

When Pounder introduced me, I had to take a deep breath. I was reminded of my first life
modeling class. When the instructor told me to disrobe and get started. I had to tell myself to
breath because I could pass out by subconsciously holding in my breath.

I got a solid round of applause although they were telling the crowd to hold all applause. I
remembered how my first speech teacher told me to imagine my audience was in their
underwear. I never thought that was good advice. It wasn't their nudity that was in display. It
was mine. I couldn't cover myself, like any sane person would naturally do. All I could do
was face their menacing stares. All I could do was face them, bare of covering, as honestly
naked as the day I was born.

"My name is Beyonce Knowles. And I life model" I said into the mic, as an eerily silence
auditorium listened in.

"Some of you might not know what that is. It's where artist draw the human body. This can be
done with clothes, but more often than not it's done with a nude model. It seems more human
to draw a nude model. More humble. More beautiful. I did this for four years. I learned during
this time that what you held secret had the most power over you. We are so accustomed to
keeping ourselves covered. With clothes and masks and facades and secrets. That the second
that cover is removed, we feel ashamed and vulnerable. We don't like feeling vulnerable or
feeling humbled. Humility is something most people never want to experience. The reason I
wanted to take this stage and speak to all of you is because I wanted to be humbled one more
time. For all to see. You aren't drawing me, but you are right now trying to capture what I am
revealing. You are forming your opinions of me. Outlining your conceptions of me in your
head. And when you leave, you'll have your mind made up. You'll have a picture of me that
you'll call the truth".

The audience was still at full attention. I looked down at my notes and then back at them.

"The truth is this. You don't have a complete picture of me. Your thoughts will always be
incomplete. I've made mistakes. I've been pregnant. I've lied I've fallen for people that were
not good for me. And I have loved. So hard. But even if you listed all of my flaws and
imperfections, you still only have one color. My picture is of many colors. I'm a president. I'm
an auntie. I'm a valedictorian. A daughter. A model. A black woman. A feminist. A miracle.
A poet. A student. A teacher".

I took a breath and smiled at my audience. I had them in my palms. I didn't even need to look
at my paper anymore. I was speaking from my heart.

"I can't be categorized; I'm controlling, self righteous, racist, sexist, mean spirited, irrational,
angry, selfish, bitter, arrogant and in the SAME SENTENCE I am understanding, humble,
embracing of diversity, kind, loving, patient, giving, selfless, forgiving and for equality and
meritocracy. All of them hold truth, only the first one is 100% true. And I think it goes for
everyone. So while you sit and try and paint me color by color into a picture you can
recognize. I will tell you that you won't be able to. Your vision is limited. And it will always
be. I'm not what you think. I'm simply me. Beyonce Knowles. What message do I give you
my graduating class? Do you want lessons to help validate your four years? Well the one
thing I learned. The one thing I know. I know who I am and no diploma or news article or
speech can summarize that so you can easily process it. Your experiences are special and
unique. Appreciate them and don't ever let someone else try and define you. Every graduate
here has a different story to tell. My story, one chapter of my story, was just made public for
all to see. That is the only difference between your story and mine".

I put the microphone back into place and walked back to my spot. Pounder was smiling at me.
She nodded and smirked. The crowd gave me a standing ovation. What the applause meant? I
wasn't sure. At this point, I didn't care to know. I wasn't ashamed of myself anymore. Not
ashamed of my own skin. My mistakes or my sexuality or my fears. What they saw, wasn't
the truth. Neither the pen, nor the charcoal pencil, nor the eyes could see it.

**

Camile

Camile went on to write a best selling memoir about her life. The book talked about her time
as a child prostitute as well as the transition point in her life when she started reading and
writing. Her memoir won her a Pulitzer Prize in the General Non-Fiction category.

Jarvis
Jarvis went on to Grad School at Georgia Tech where he received his masters and PHD. He
became a pediatrician and now lives in Atlanta where he runs his own practice.

Wallace
After the scandal with Beyonce and Carter, Wallace sent Beyonce an email and reminded her
that if she ever needed him, he would be there. After hearing her speech, he decided to tell his
parents that he didn't want to be a minister. He ended up selling the drawing of Beyonce's
eyes to an man who collected rare, obscure art. The man paid him $15,000 for the picture.
Wallace took the money and went to Italy for the summer, where he decided to quit school
back in Florida so he could study art in Italy.

Chris
The breakup with Beyonce forced Chris to go into a shell for months. He stopped going to
school, stopped grooming, and drank everyday. After a stint in rehab, Chris decided to resume
his dream of making music. He became the lead singer of a group named Coldplay, although
their debut album which was released independently never caught on. Chris did however
write a song at the end of the album called "Stinky Apples", which was his way of letting his
hate for Beyonce go. After two years of touring and struggling to make ends meet, Chris gave
up music for good and put away his guitar. He started dating again and eventually married.
With no degree, Chris enlisted in the military and was sent overseas during a military conflict.
He was killed by accidental gunfire after confronting two fellow soilders who were using
racial slurs. The military said that he was killed by friendly fire. He left behind a wife and two
children.

Tip
Tip was caught with guns a year after Beyonce graduated and was sentenced to five years in
prison. Released after serving 3, Tip tried to restart a relationship with Nicki. They dated for a
few weeks, but she dumped him after she confessing to him that she didn't love him anymore.
Tip found out that it was Wiz that set him up to be caught with guns. But before he could
retaliate, he was pulled over and sentenced to prison again for being a felon and having a gun
on him. Tip served the full 10 years and moved back home with his mother in Atlanta. After
struggling to find a legit job, Tip decided to go back to school to finish his degree. He is
currently trying to start a record label with Smurf.

Kelly
Kelly and Quenton moved to Houston and opened up a successful barber shop/Salon, which
helped increase business for Tina's shop because they offered specials for hair and chicken.
Two years after moving, she and Quenton had their first child, a girl they named Destiny.
Though going through their ups and downs like any other couple, they are still happily
married.

Michelle
Immediately after graduating Michelle was hired by the Miami Herald to be a local beat
writer. After five successful years of highly acclaimed articles she was hired by the
Washington Post as an editor. She did this for four years and during this time met and married
her husband. Known as a ruthless writer with an eye for controversial issues, Michelle's
reputation helped to establish her fanbase which led to her deciding to start a magazine. She
hired younger writers out of college to help keep the gossip magazine fresh and relevant, but
later found that one of the women had slept with her husband. She divorced him and wrote an
article about the incident, which backfired when she was sued by the woman she fired. The
lawsuit helped lead to failure of the magazine. Michelle currently lives with her cat in Seattle,
where she freelances for various publications. She recently posed in a life drawing class to
make herself feel beautiful.

Nicki

After breaking up with Tip, Nicki started dating her college sweetheart who had just came
home from playing basketball in Europe. After failing to make it to the NBA he got a 9 to 5
job and put his degree to use, taking care of Nicki when she moved in with him. He married
her six months later and told her he did not want his wife to work. Soon after, she became
pregnant with their first child. Over the next 12 years she had four kids, they bought a big
house in North Carolina, and she became dissatisfied with being a housewife. After voicing
her concern to her husband he gave in to her desire to run for a local position in their county.
She's now back in school and working in the local city hall with hopes of one day running for
mayor.

Mr. Carter

After being fired, Carter and his daughter moved to California to restart their life. He gave up
his life teaching and decided to write a commentary book which was part memoir, part
philosophy, and part ethics. He promoted the book on local radio but refused to speak directly
on his relationship with his former student. The book was relatively successful. Carter
expanded his real estate businesses and dedicated the rest of his time to raising his daughter.
He thought about tracking Beyonce down, but thought against it. He decided to give her
complete privacy so the both of them could move on. He never fell out of love with her.

Rihanna
Rihanna became an overnight sensation as a model. Her elaborate tattoos, newly dyed red
hair, and sexual presence gave her features in multiple magazines in a short amount of time.
She had accomplished her dream, being able to send her father a magazine with her modeling
in it. But she didn't feel anymore complete. Accomplishing what she set out to do only made
her feel worse because it didn't make her happy. She was alone in a cold and distant city and
surrounded by people that didn't care about her mind. She watched in horror as the Beyonce
story became a week long national headline and sent her an email, asking Beyonce to call her
new phone. Beyonce never called. Late in 2012, fed up with her life, Rihanna laid in a tub and
slit both of her wrist as "Wise Up" by Aimee Mann played in her bathroom speakers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVzGrIowDPQ&feature=related

She cried herself to sleep in the tub of blood. She was saved by the man she had just slept
with, who forgot his wallet in the bedroom. He found her in the tub and called 911. When he
found out that Rihanna had attempted suicide, Rih's father went up to New York, and
convinced her to move in with him and get help. After a year of living with her dad, forgiving
herself, her father, and her mother, Rihanna went back to school full time and didn't stop until
she was a Dr. by her name. By chance, she ran across an article featuring Jarvis who had
started his own practice in Atlanta. The two former friends reconnected, and she moved to
Atlanta, where he hired her as a child psychiatrist.

Rihanna's worst fear turned into her biggest blessing. She always hated men. She always
feared having one. But she gave birth to a 8 pound baby boy after her suicide attempt. She
promised herself, she would raise him to be a man.

Beyonce

After graduating from FAMU, Beyonce sold her car and took all of her savings and traveled
outside of the country. She eventually settled in Paris, where she lived for three years, going
to school and living with Lupe. She avoided the book tour promotion of Carter while overseas
and learned French and Chinese. After rejecting Lupe's marriage proposal she moved back to
Houston where she stayed with her parents. After receiving her Masters and starting work on
her doctorates, Beyonce accepted a job as a teacher in a local elementary school. Though
rumors of the scandal still affected her, she learned to accept it. She thought of Carter, and
Rihanna, but never contacted either of them. She decided she needed to completely move on
from her past. She didn't date anyone for the next few years, focusing solely on teaching and
improving herself. She started meditating and took art classes. She also found a love for
reciting poetry. She became a moderator of a poetry site. She eventually bought herself a
house and lived alone with her dog.

She was playing old music one day when she ran across a track that made her break down and
cry. It was called "Whenever, Wherever, Whatever". That night, unable to grade her papers,
she text the old email address Wallace had given her. Sure he would never get the message
because it was such an old email address and it had been so many years, she sent him en email
saying she wish she could see him. The two weeks later, she got an email back. Though he no
longer used the email he said he checked it every month. He said he always knew she would
contact him again. That month, they met up in New York. She made love to him the same
night.

*Special Chapter* (Takes place 10 years after Beyonce Graduated)

Shaun's POV

My mother was always the most beautiful person in the world to me. I often sat and just
looked at old pictures of her. Thankful I had her eyes, and her nose, and her full lips, and her
complexion. I was just thankful that she birthed me and I got to spend 12 wonderful years
with her. I couldn't believe it had been 12 years since she passed. Only 6 since I knew what
she passed from.

I was angry at my mom for awhile. Angry at my dad too. They kept my mothers real death
from me until I turned 18. I tried not to be angry at my dad because it wasn't his idea to keep
it from me. It was hers. She was always so stubborn. So prideful. Her pride and stubbornness
was also in my blood. It took me a long time to accept that she didn't tell me the real reason
she was dying until after she was already dead and gone.

I didn't follow in either of my parents footsteps. I didn't go to law school like I planned. After
I graduated from undergrad, I decided I didn't want to be an attorney or deal with law at all. It
made my head hurt. My father said it would have been a waste if I went to college for four
years with the hope of going to Law School and then not go. But it wasn't a waste to me. I met
my fiance in undergrad, and now we were going to get married.

Of course, my dad objected. He thought I was too young to be getting married at 24 with no
real job. My fiance tries his best to sweet talk my father into giving this marriage his blessing
but you couldn't sweet talk a man like my father.

"Mr. Carter. I love Shaun. And I will take care of her. All of her needs and wants".

"What if Shaun wants to go back to school?" he asked my fiance Camron.

"I'll pay for her to go back. I have a good job, sir. I'll pay for her to go to school if thats what
she wants to do. She doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to" he said.
"Well, what about kids? Yall plan on doing that?"

"We want kids, yes. But not right now. She's on birth control" he said, another way of letting
my dad know we were having unprotected sex.

He looked at me. I felt kind of intimidated by that look. I knew what it meant. I knew what he
was telling me with his eyes. But I returned a look with my own eyes. I loved this Camron
and I was going to marry him. My dad was just going to have to accept it. He had to accept it
and trust my judgement.

I don't know if he ended up trusting my judgement but he did end up supporting our marriage.
My father and Camron's father put funds together that would pay for the wedding, which I
wanted to be held outside. I went crazy once I had that credit card in my hand and could pick
out my dream wedding. Camron wasn't into all of the finer details like colors and foods and
things like that, so I had planned the majority of the wedding with my friends.

When my wedding day finally came, my wedding morning to be exact, I slipped out of bed
and left the hotel. I walked the resort to the spot my wedding would be held. A secluded spot
in a park with the flowers and scenery that would make any hopeless romantic melt. My
wedding meant a lot to me. And as I sat down and looked at the spot where I would be saying
"I Do", I thought about my mom. I wished she could have been here to see this. I wished I
could have experienced this with her.

I lost out on so many moments. My first boyfriend. My first breakup. Prom. Graduation, both
times, and just the little things I just wished I could have had my mom for. I loved my dad,
but I just couldn't talk to him in ways I could take to my mom. Me and him had an open line
of communication. We could talk about anything. But he couldn't comfort me like my mother
could. She was my best friend when she passed. The person I told every little secret to. I
remember being devastated when I found out she had kept that secret from me.

My relationship with her wasn't like mom/daughter relationships for other people, at least
from what i observed. Other people didn't have pillow fights with their mom, or do their nails
with their mom, or go camping or fishing or go-cart riding. She was more like my sister. It
was a special bond, because she never kept things from me. When I asked a question, she
answered. She didn't give me the mom answer. When I first asked about sex, she didn't cringe
and stumble over her words while looking for a way to throw me off. She asked specifically
what I wanted to know.

I still remember when I asked her what an orgasm felt like. I was only 10 or so and I had
heard it during a movie. She laughed when I asked.

"And why do you want to know that, lil girl?"

"I'm curious" I replied.

She could have told me I would find out when I was older. Or not to ask her anything like
that. But she answered it.

"An orgasm is like a sneeze. You know how when you have to sneeze and your body tenses
up and you feel it building and building and building and you can't think of anything else but
the sneeze you feel coming? And then when it happens, it's really violent and hard. And then
you feel really relaxed after it's done? That is what an orgasm is. Except it happens in your
vagina".

I didn't know if I quite understood her explanation, but I did understand it completely when I
first experienced one at 15. I was masturbating and when it happened, I immediately thought
about that sneeze explanation. I remember around this time my dad was really stressing me
saving myself for marriage, but if I felt like I had to go out and have sex, that I should use
protection, every single time. He stressed protection.

It had only been a few years since he had been fired from FAMU. He tried to act like it didn't
affect him but I know it did. And the more time went on, the less I saw him smile. He smiled
when he was around me. We joked and laughed, but when he was by himself he seemed
depressed. I missed him being happy all the time. I made up in my mind I wouldn't be
someone that would disappoint him. He had told me about his family, and why he didn't get
along with them. Of course, I now knew about his failed relationship with Beyonce, and now
things made more sense with him. I was only 16 then and I was the one feeling like I had to
keep him together.

I did well in school so he can be proud of me. And for his sake, I made sure when i went on
dates, I followed all of his rules. I also saved myself. Partially because I hadn't found someone
worthy enough to have me but also because I didn't want to disappoint my dad. I did this all
through my high school years. Good student and good girl behavior. And then he dropped a
bombshell on me for my 18th birthday. He gave me a note my mother had written to me the
day before she died.

It had been 6 years since I got that note. And now, more than ever, I wished I could see my
mother again. If only just for a day. So I could hug her and kiss her and introduce her to my
soon to be husband. My eyes got all watery when I thought about this. I blinked the tears
away and pulled out that envelope. The same envelop I had been given when I turned 18.

I pulled it out as the morning sun picked up heat. It had been a few years since I read it. I
thought it would be fitting that I read it right now. On my marriage day. So I could feel like
she was right here with me. Her words, still living on.

Shaun. Dying sucks. Remind me to never do it again. LOL. Ok, that isn't funny. I know it's
not. But baby, I am struggling to accept this fate. I know it's coming. I can feel it everytime I
breath that it's coming. And I'm not afraid of it. I just don't want to die. I don't like it. I don't
like knowing that I don't have a choice. You know me. I'm stubborn. Prideful. I'm so stubborn
that I am angry that I can't do anything to stop this. I don't want you without your mother.
You need me like I need you. And I'm hurting because more than dying, I have to accept that
you are no longer going to have me.

I made your father promise me not to give you this letter until you turned 18. Which makes it
even harder to write it. It's like, I'm writing to you. But I'm not writing to the girl I know right
now. I'm writing to a woman I haven't even met yet. A future you, LOL. Excuse me if I'm
laughing too much. I have to laugh or else I will kill myself so this disease can't have the
satisfaction in knowing it got me. I've already contemplated it. But I'm not going to do that. It
would be unfair to you. For you to have to live with knowing your mother killed herself.
SIGH, the things mothers do for their children.

I have been telling you the past few years that I have heart problems and that is why I am
sick. That is true. I do have heart problems. But that is not why I am dying. Shaun, I am dying
because I have full blown aids. Remember your step father? He gave it to me. I've known
about it for years. But I still didn't know soon enough. He was the only person I was sexually
active with so I never felt the need to get checked for HIV. I only found out because the girl he
was creeping on me with called and told me that he gave it to her. Imagine, finding out that
your husband has HIV while also finding out he was cheating on you. And imagine that
earlier that morning, you had slept with him. That was me. What a day that was. LOL

I was so ashamed. Felt so dirty. So afraid. I was afraid to even touch you. You were a little
girl, so you might not remember. But I took you to your grandmothers for a few days. I took
myself to the doctor and sure enough. I had aids. You never get use to saying that. I know I
haven't. It's likely because I don't tell anyone I have it. My parents don't even know. All
anyone knows is that I have heart problems. The only person I told was Carter. And I made
him promise not to tell anyone, including you, that I had it. I'm sorry I lied to you. And I'm
sorry that by the time you read this, I will be dead. I'm a coward. Too prideful to face you. Oh
lord, here I go crying. Let me take a break and return to writing this.

OK. Now that I have boo hoo cried for a good hour, and vomited a few times, I can finish
this. The reason I am dying form aids is because my body didn't accept the drugs that is
keeping Magic Johnson and then alive. Your father will explain it to you more. But let's just
say i'm one of the few who can't even take the drugs that treat aids. In short, my body sucks.
LOL

I just wish I had just a little more time with you. To see you grow and become a woman. See
you love and get heart broken and love again. See you marry. I would cry like a baby seeing
you get married. I imagine it being outdoors with flowers and trees and nature surrounding. I
know how you love nature. Always loved camping and fishing.

Can you do something for me, Shaun? I am going to ask you a few questions. I'll be dead
when you answer them but if my theory on the after life is correct, when you answer them in 6
years, my spirit will receive the answers. Or maybe nothing will happen. Who knows. I'll
know soon. Or maybe I won't know. I guess that's what death is all about. LOL

1. Are you mad at me?

2. Do you know your father is in love with his student? You are too aware for your own
good..

3. Was it you that broke that window when you were 8? You said the boy next door did it. But
I dont know. I always thought you was lying. Let me know something.

4. Can you promise me you will use protection when you make love? And when you find the
person worthy of your love, can you make sure you have them tested periodically? Promise
me. Tell me right now (or in 6 years) that you promise. OK?

Speaking of love. I want you to know, even if you won't know immediately. But eventually. I
want you to know that I didn't die all lonely, with aids, and no one to love. Your father. Your
real father, Shawn loved me last night. I bet you will remember the night I am talking about.
It feels weird talking about last night as if it happened a long time ago but I am trying to
phrase it that way because I know you will have to reach into your mental Rolodex to
remember it.

I was crying. I was throwing a temper tantrum. I felt dirty. Well, I was dirty. I
needed a bath. I was so tired that I didn't even feel like moving, but I was
embarrassed to need my asscrack wiped and my teeth brushed. So I got out of
bed, as weak as I was, so I could clean. Your father saw me struggling. He saw
me crying. He picked me up, against my will at first. I didn't want his help. But I
didn't even have the energy to fight him. Too bad I didn't have that lack of
energy when we were in college LOL.

He took me in the bathroom. I'm so light now. He carried me like a feather. He

ran the bath water. He undressed me. I felt so guilty for becoming aroused. I had
to smile just to keep myself from crying. He smiled too. He placed me in the
water and he bathed me. From my head to my toe. It was very erotic. Very
therapeutic. And just beginning.

When he had cleaned me, he carried me to the bedroom and lotioned me from
head to toe. Never looking at me like I was some infected creature. He didn't
touch me like he was afraid to touch me. He touched me like I was still beautiful
in his eyes. And if I had ever forgotten why I originally fell in love with your
father, he reminded me that night (which was last night LOL).

He massaged my aches. From my shoulder to my lower back to my ankles. And

when I started crying he got in the bed with me and held me. He kissed my
forehead. He told me I was beautiful. He told me he loved me, still. He told me he
would take care of you and not to worry about you. I told him I believed him. And
I do. I believe he is going to take good care of you. I slept in his arms last night.
The night we told you not to bother us LOL. And while we didn't have sex, I am
taking it to the grave that we made love. My soul had been loved the way it
needed to be loved.

Be good to your daddy. And don't give Beyonce a hard time if/when they stop
worrying about perception and become official. I guess it's pointless to tell you
this, since you won't get till read this till you are grown. But it at least makes me
feel better. She's a good woman, Shawn. Impulsive, I can tell. But a good person.
And your father loves her. Let him love her, if you feel it's what he needs. She's
not replacing me.

Sweetheart. I could go on and on. But I am going to stop talking to future you and
go out of this room and go hug you. I'll just leave you with this last bit of
motherly advice. I have to remember I am giving advice to a 18 year old not a 13
year old. LOL. Ok.

Keep God first always and embrace both your upbringing and your
independence. Smile, Cry, Love, get heartbroken, fall, get up, succeed, have fun,
study, scream, laugh, skip class, cram for an exam, eat 2 day old pizza, exercise,
go out on Friday, visit home enough to not get homesick, enjoy being away from
home, make lifelong friends, create lasting memories, take pictures (youll
treasure them), act goofy, dont drink and drive, talk to strangers, try new foods,
be open minded, dont settle below your standards, wear dirty socks, jump on
your bed, dance in your underwear , respect your body, laugh at yourself, be
happy at your reflection in the mirror, watch football (GO Patriots!), try Karaoke,
enroll in a fun class, drop the class you hate, dont choose a major, let a major
choose you, be afraid, be nervous, be boring

Be outgoing, be honest with yourself first and everything else follows, play in the
rain, catch a cold, pray often, color outside the lines, question rules, question
yourself (its the only way to find answers), meet prince charming, dump prince
charming for a frog, be satisfied dating, be happy single, take a step forward,
take two steps back, drink milk out the carton, ask for help (dont be too
headstrong to do so), be smart with your money, keep up with current events,
dismiss those that dont respect you, hate your professors but love them even
more, have late night talks with your friends

Ask questions, ask stupid questions, ask crazy questions, ask until you
understand, be a leader, be a loner, love your body, be humble, eavesdrop on
conversations, listen more than you talk, obligate yourself to no one, use I
statements, kiss those you love, hug those you adore, shake hands with those
you respect, laugh at those who you like, smile at those you are unsure of, go
sight seeing, go on a road trip, listen to all kinds of music, go to a film festival,
talk to yourself, make no apologies for being yourself, look forward to the future,
be excited for the present and know that mommy loves you with all of her heart.

Your buddy, your best friend, your mother

Rosario

**

Everytime I read the letter I ended up crying. This time was no different. It was
like she was still with me. I just couldn't speak back to her. I remember it took me
a year, but I wrote her a letter back. I answered her questions and told her how
angry I was at her for leaving me and not telling me the truth. I told her I felt
cheated because I couldn't hug her and tell her that I didn't care that she had
aids. I DID NOT CARE. She was still the most beautiful woman in the world to me,
inside and out. I was angry she didn't give me the chance to love her despite her
disease. But I also told her I loved her much. When I was done writing it, I burned
it up and tossed the ashes where she had been cremated. I hoped that her spirit
was at peace.

To answer her questions. Was I mad at her? Of course I was. Did I know my dad
and Beyonce loving each other? Not really. But I did think she liked him. Was it
me that broke the window? Yes. But she made sweet chocolate cake for dessert
and I didn't want to not get any for the night so I lied. Could I make that promise
for her? Yes. I could. And I did.

There was also one more thing I did because of her letter. I didn't even tell my
father about it. I did the research, using the skills I had acquired from my
bachelors degree to track her down. And when I did, I emailed her. I told her the
time and place of my wedding. I told her I wanted to see her. I told her my mom
wished for her to be there. That wasn't exactly the truth, but I felt that would
have been my mothers wish. Plus, I did this for my dad. I knew he still loved her.
The question was, did she still love him.

When she emailed me back with a phone number I called her. We didn't talk long,
but long enough for her to tell me that she wasn't going to come. She told me
that she was now married.

When my wedding started, my heart dropped. Not because I saw my husband up

there waiting for me. But because she had changed her mind. My father saw her
too and I don't think I ever saw him as shocked as he was at that moment. It was
too sweet. He looked at me hard, like "what the hell, shaun" but I just smiled.
This was my wedding gift to you, daddy.

He walked me up front and gave me away. My husband read his vows and I cried
like a big baby. Right before I kissed him, I thought about my mother. I felt her
with me. I kissed him and became a Mrs.

When the pictures taking was done with and the crowd of people were enjoying
food and music I walked up to the beautiful woman that came to my wedding.
She had on a ring, but I didn't see any husband in sight. She was smiling softly.
The closer I got to her, the wider my smile became. We didn't even need to speak
words. I paused as I looked over her face. Just as pretty as I remembered. She
sure did age well, I thought.

She held out her arms and we embraced for a long and warm hug. My mother
liked her, so I guess I did too. I felt my mother was proud of what I had done.
When we broke our hug, she had tears in her eyes. I thought it was because of
me, and maybe it started out that way, but then I realized my father had walked
up behind me and they were facing each other. They looked at each other like
lovers looked at each other. I stepped away and allowed them to catch up.

"You kids play nice" I whispered in my dads ear before I walked away.

"Shaun. What did you do?" he whispered in my ear.

I simply smiled. "I brought her to you. What yall do after that is up to you".

I went to join my husband.

Some might say what i did was insensitive and unethical. But f*ck that. I wasn't
like my dad. I didn't spend time caring about evaluating the morality of decisions.
All I know was my father wasn't the same after she left his life. I wanted to see
him smile again. And if bringing her here could do that, then that was ALL I
personally cared about. I was thankful my dad loved me enough to deny himself
while he raised me. But he didn't have to do that anymore. I had a husband. I
could fly on my own. I was more concerned about him than he should have been
about me, at this point.

When i saw them dancing together to a slow song, I concluded that it was the
right decision to make. Like I said, ethics weren't my cup of tea. I was like my
mother. I followed my heart. I made no apologies for no one. And I wasn't going
to feel guilty about these two being here, because it was obvious they still loved
each other. Maybe they wouldn't do anything but drink wine and dance. Maybe
they would go further and make love. I didn't know what to expect from those
two. Not the two that were caught having sex in a boys locker room.

I remembered when I was 11 and spoke to my father on the phone. He asked for
my forgiveness for not being there to help raise me. I was upset with him. But I
forgave him. We only had one life to live and I believed in experiencing it to the
fullest. I believed he loved me so I allowed him to love me. Above all else. I
believe people deserved second chances.

Seems to me they were getting their second chance.

....The End