The last great conversation I had with someone ,was a while ago .

The only thing is , the things the person said to me were so very complex it was a little diffi cult to comprehend. Fortunately, this person would write theses things down soI could grasp the concepts. I would keep these notes as I have for the past 5 year s, and reflect upon them . They always had a deeper richer meaning later. A cert ain choice of words such as MINDSET would play an inevitable role in how the wor ds that were chosen to be used had their effect on me. The fact that I knew Iwas living life on the edge of my dreams told me that If I wanted to comprehend the wisdom that was being imparted to me I had to "Delve Deeper and Think Higher. U pon reviewing some notes that Id collected over the years I found one thatsaid . ....LEAD. As I began to think back the word came to me again .Where hadI seen th is word before, and why does it mean so much now?.......LEAD.LEAD, FOLLOW OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.Those were the first words I read in kindergarten. It was writte n on a plaque above the alphabet next to the flag. My teacher Mrs Eldridge would have us recite it after the Pledge of allegiance. (Instead of looking at the fl ag, I would belooking at the plaque and pledging allegiance to that . I'm jus sa yin ) It wasa period where LEADERS led and people followed. I like to refer to i t as a timewhen we began to combine our traditional values with a comtemporary v iew. A short time later Martin Luther King was asassinated. The entire course of historywas being changed and challenged simutaneoulsy The civil rights movement ,Woodstock ,flower children , Vietnam, Apollo moon landing and Walter Cronkite. I learned of the things that were going on in the world by Walter Cronkite. TV was relatively new . I don't even think it was in color at the time . An abusive step father had me stand in the corner for hours on end. So I HEARD the news. I would hear Walter tell the viewers how many American casualties occurred . . Th oughI was forced to stay in the corner, I remember looking over my shoulder and seeing the medics carrying wounded soldiers to the helicopters and the journalis ts telling their stories.I would hurry and turn my head around back in the corne rbefore the step man would turn it around for me. Some times if I didn't turn it quick enough there would be the belt or cane across my back to teach me the less on. It was like that for the first 18 years of my life. The physical scars dohea l over time (most of them anyway) but the deeper unseen emotional scars (horrifi c nightmares of torture and abuse as a child) that's something entirely differen t. . As an adult I engrossed myself into books to help me understand me. Therapi sts were not at the top of the lis.t I didnt want to sit and discuss whatwas wro ng with me, (I was told that for the first years of my life .I didnt wantto repe at that to a thrapist). Only I would ask myself the the questions but only when I was ready to deal with the answers. I wanted to seek a different pathto LEAD m e to what was right with me. Its diffucult to do that when someones looking for whats wrong. ( by the way, do therapists go to therapy ?Im jus sayin)I didnt wan t to go back and relive the horror to someone else .I wanted to be strong enough to be able to do this on my own". Greater is he that is in me thanhe who is in the world', became my source of inspiration and dictated that there's a lesson t o be learned. Id finally gained closure to that dark chapter in life only recent ly. It wasnt until 2002 that the nightmares stopped. I used to be afraid to drea m as a child beacause I would always end up being beaten or tortured in them by my stepfather. To make matters worse I would wake up to the verything I was havi ng a nightmare about only to relive it again in real life. Thiswent on for years . In 1981 when I turned 18 I escaped my abuser (this time Ididnt get caught and beaten)and went to NC. For six months after that I lookedover my shoulder in fea r to see if the step man was coming.(lets not forget had those nightmares until I was 39 years old) A freind of mine happened to be passing by when they noticed me thrashing in the bed. Despite the fact that I wasbeing beaten in the dream, there was something about it I will never forget. Iremember hearing the words" D ont treat him bad". Luckily someone heard me repea

t those words as they shook me awake from the horrific nightmare .It was the las t nightmare that I had. That was 9 years ago. It was also at that time that I fo rgave the step man and chose not to harbor such resentment in myself for still b eing haunted by his abuse.But I never forgave myself..........But I did.....in m y dreams. It was in my dreams that I approved myself to be tobe just who I am be cause I saw who I was. I saw what God sees. Not standing outin the crowd, yet st ill being outstanding. Shouting out to the world I AM HERE! without saying a wor d. Making a difference by just being different. Exploringand challenging my cont radictions because they are in a sense essentially a small part of who I am. I k now I am more than that ( and so are you) IN my dreamsi would tellme You are mor e than your shortfalls and mistakes and yet not higher than your greatest achiev ements. During the dream, I would be having this one and only conversation with ME and I would be telling me ," . You are greaterthan any obstacle that lay befo re you intending to defeat ."So I like to followmy dreams . The person in my dre ams is inspiring me , is forgivinging me and is loving me is me. When I wake up and look at my reflection and recall certainthings like," allow the people in yo ur life that love you, to love you, because they really do", that becomes a MIND SET. When I allow the people in my life that love me, to love me, just like this , imperfectly perfect , I ve found withinmy self a perfect love , in which there is the forgiveness that I need to etxend to myself. When I look at my reflectio n and repeat those words I heard in the dream, it automatically determines the c ourse of the day. It gives birth thethe exuberance , the nuances and spontenaeit y of today.