The Friday Aggravate 26th October 2006

Right we are away to a flying start, so how about some monkey business to start
with.

Subject: The secret sound.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He
goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do
you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man
tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever
heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship
comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could
possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks
what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the
monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound
is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must
travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact
number of grains of sand. When You find these answers, you will have become a
Monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired
old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken
before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that
beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By
design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you
ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective
and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show
you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a
wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The
Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is
another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he
opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to
doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear
and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is
apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands,
he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to
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his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and
seductive sound......

But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a Monk.

A young couple, Billy Bob and Ellie Sue, are out for a romantic
walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they
stroll, Billy Bob's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when Ellie Sue says, "I hope you
don't mind but I really do need to piss."
Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't
you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As Billy Bob
waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her
voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to
contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Billy Bob
reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly
brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment, finds himself gripping a long, thick
appendage hanging between her legs.
Billy Bob shouts in horror, "Oh no, Ellie Sue, have you changed
your sex?"
"No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap
instead."

It seems as though the ladies are the main contributors so far. Here is
Sue’s package deal.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He

went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear
again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and
listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my strides.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.
I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has
thorns."
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"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During
a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so's
not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she
asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife
a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting
married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful.'"

Llittle old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana
split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the
moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo , can you see Florida ...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After
he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could
see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday
you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You
ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at
the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
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"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice
and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum
and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked
her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
“Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was
talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in the back yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"

Our new correspondent “Grumble-bum” has sent this gem.

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 A woman and her boyfriend are out
having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time
together she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she
talks about it, the more excited she
gets, and starts trying to talk her
boyfriend into having one. After a
while he gives in and lets her order
the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and
puts the following on the bar – A
saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a
shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items
quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on
your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth,
and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt
on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this
is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his
girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what
do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says............

"Blow Job Revenge."

This joke is so BLUE that I left the type face colour as it was:

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and
moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On producing
her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde passenger that she's only paid for
Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies:
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and
tries to explain to the blonde that because she only paid for Economy she is only
entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original
seat. The blonde replies once again:
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying just where I
am!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably
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should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who
won't listen to reason. The pilot says:
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and over the years
I've learnt to speak fluent blonde!" The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the
same time curious.
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she replies:
"Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
rear of the aircraft. The flight attendant and co-pilot of course are amazed and
asked the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss.
The Pilot replies: "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne ".

The History of the Middle Finger salute. Forwarded by “Baz from Taz.”

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it,
I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that
they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something
about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the
English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English
longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous
English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying,
''See, we can still pluck yew!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult
to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed
to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction
with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows
used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving
the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

At long last we have a smart blonde.

The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the blonde sales girl, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for
his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxative."
The pharmacist yells, "You idiot. You can't treat a cough with a laxative.”
The blonde sales girl responds, "Of course you can. Look at him, he's afraid to
cough.”

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down

to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old Aborigine.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to

study the Word and come
up with a poem that contained the word.

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The word they were given was " TIMBUKTU ".

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels two by two, destination - Timbuktu ."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aborigine top that they thought.

The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: "Me and
Tim a huntin' went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we
was two. So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

The old Aboriginal won.

Does the following apply to the ARL OR AFL?

36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad cheques
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? . . . Scroll down,

Neither, it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN

CANBERRA

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year

designed to keep the rest of us in line. But who the hell keeps them in
line?

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a
dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While
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the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be
single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos
you're ugly."

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Fred's Mum and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny ,
Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door
to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I
don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies,
"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Ok,
now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue..."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he

reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing
the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped
and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had
captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her
father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy
Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the
little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot
and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that faggot shit in
our garden."

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces
to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must
move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one
wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year
and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation
sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the
Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!!" More sighs
and loud applause.

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Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I
vill give him sex!" There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs.
Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with
the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:
"Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, 'Fuck the
Rabbi.'"

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