Snowflakes and Paper Scraps

by F. H.

Published November 2011

During the breakfast in the shabby Hotel my heart already wept, when I thought of our departing after this wonderful night. My hands and mouth were dry, so I couldnt swallow the bite in my mouth neither her words. They flew past my ear, though I could see her red lips forming words through the smoke of her cigarette. But in my mind I saw her fingers dimming the light. Last night, her blonde hair had fallen down her bare shoulders in smooth waves, encoding her magnificent smile with silent magic. The dark brown eyes had nonetheless glowed in contrast to her pale skin. In the warm moonshine, her voluptuous beauty had made me speechless. Now, I sat with her at the breakfast table in the cold neon light. I payed for the dirty room and the night. Outside, we went our own separate ways, but she did it without a smile at our parting. My emotions were like boiling water in a pot, pressing against the lid, while my face was the iron gate they could not pass. Nobody realised what I was really feeling, besides the cold of this late October morning. At home, I instantly sat down with my guitar, a piece of paper and wrote a song. The whole day I was unable to do anything else, because all the time I was thinking of her. A strong and deep desire for her was grinning falsely inside my head. It was confusing me, so I decided to make up my mind and to see her again. I called her and we agreed to meet this evening on the bridge. It had been snowing for a few minutes now and dusk was approaching rapidly. I was there half an hour early and brought the guitar with me. Weird feelings came up from my stomach and I couldnt stand idle for a second, because of the uncertainty about her response. With uncomfortable anxiety I was looking around to spot her face in the crowd. Passing cars and people seemed distant. My hands began to sweat. Then I saw her. At that instant I froze on the spot because all my anxiety suddenly fell apart and I watched her approaching. Hello. Do You want me for the whole night again, sweetheart? she asked dully. First I hesitated to reply; my dry tongue didnt move, it felt heavy and numb. My head was just an empty space. But eventually I took the guitar and sang the song to her with a trembling voice and a strange excitement inside of me. During the first lines she looked surprised and puzzled, but then she began to smile and then to laugh. First I thought she would appreciate my song, but then I realised: she laughed at me. At my foolish attempt and naive imagination that she might return my love. So I stopped playing and she said: Listen! I got other clients waiting, sweetheart. Sorry that you have fallen in love with me, but believe me, youre not the first one.

The few people and traffic around us disappeared, the sounds ceased to horrible silence. These words felt like icicles, stabbed into my chest, tearing my heart into tiny pieces. Tears ran down my cheeks, where they instantly froze in the cold wind and snowflakes. It felt like waking from a beautiful dream and falling into a nightmare. Then I turned around and ran away. After a few steps I looked back. She stood on the bridge tearing the paper into tiny pieces and dropping the scraps into the water. They floated around and melted, sunk like broken snowflakes. Then she turned and walked away.