When I was 17, I'm 62 now, I use to go on the weekends to our state mental hospital in Raleigh, N.C.

, Dorothea Dix
Hospital to volunteer to work with the patients. It was one oI the grandest mental health Iacilities in the U.S. The
patients worked, all who could had their own small garden and the hospital itselI was Iairly selI suIIicient using
patient labor to stay clean and keeping the patients working. I would go on the weekends since I had a Iull time job
and was in school Iull time. I had dreams oI one day becoming a psychiatrist and wanted to learn more. OI course the
real reason was to understand myselI better, and what a wonderIul way to learn while helping others.
Eventually I ended up in the military, this was the Vietnam era, and was what is called a "psychiatric technician"
and worked with the Marines and Navy in that capacity. In my volunteer status, as well as my Iull time 4 year status, I
was Iortunate to work with many patients suIIering Irom many emotional illnesses. I Ielt I was pretty good at picking
up on mood, aIIect, body posture, temperament and especially good at working with patients who were suIIering Irom
some Iorm oI depressive reaction. Having lead many "group sessions" it was important to not only observe but also
help others to learn to observe the words and actions oI other patients to better qualiIy them to help themselves. The
quiet passive voice, with the masked angry teeth gritting Iace did not add up. No matter what the patient said the
actions stood out. To verbalize "I'm not angry about it" did not coincide with the actions while speaking and
discussing. We were tuned in to non verbal communications.
That is part oI my background so you will understand as I go Iorth. Immediately aIter our son's suicide I was
surprised at how many people remarked they could not imagine anyone contemplating suicide, especially one so
young. This was very surprising to me to hear this as it had always seemed to me that there are moments in practically
everyone's liIe when suicide is considered an option. The key is not choosing that option and being able to live Ior
another moment, another day. One does not have to live Iorever, but only choose a moment longer. The moments add
up to the point that suicide is not undertaken.
We were asked about what "signs" our son exhibited iI any. This was especially voiced by those who knew him and
literally exclaimed they never saw any signs oI an unhappy child or any signs oI contemplation oI committing suicide.
The one area that one has to be careIul oI with any person, even children, is the use oI drugs or alcohol. Obviously
alcohol is a depressant which only complicates matters and certain drugs destroy rationality and Iear. Our son did not
use alcohol or drugs. He was a happy Iella.
Another point is are there signs oI depression? Is the person sleepy most oI the time, do they avoid interactions with
others, do they stay in their room, or Ieel isolated at school or in liIe? Are they bullied, do they voice concerns oI
being worthless? All oI these observations would make most people wonder iI something is going on. Graham showed
none oI those signs, in Iact he was one oI the happiest, joking, careIree kids in the school. Great grades, community
service, very likable to not only his peers but also his teachers, and adults. There were none oI these signs and iI so no
one ever saw them, nor in hindsight think they may have seen but missed. It was conIusing to all and very sad.
AIter his death we were told oI him saying to a Iriend that as early as the 6th grade he had contemplated suicide and
was going to do so with medicine he could get in the medicine cabinet. Now this bit oI inIormation was Iound out post
death. Again even iI he had those thoughts, there were no outward signs or verbalization oI such. Years later he told
one person oI those thoughts. One thing that I learned Irom years oI dealing with psychiatric patients, is you should
take heed iI anyone says they are contemplating suicide and they have gone so Iar as to Iigure out how to do it. That is
one sure sign to take action and heed them at their word. Thought, coupled with how to do it, is a red flag. That one
thing is the only thing we've ever been able to understand that might have been some precursor, but again it was aIter
the Iact.
My purpose in describing this is so many people Ieel "guilt" aIter a suicide and wonder what could I have done, why
didn't I do something etc. but the bottom line is one can only do as much as they are capable oI doing. It's very
important Ior one not to heap blame on themselves, not to sink into hopelessness but learn and go Iorth having the
wisdom to try to not let it happen to others. My wiIe, our two girls, went through the time oI selI doubt, however in
my case it was not Ior extended time as I realized what my Dad had told me decades earlier, "You can only do as good
as you can, nothing more, so don't beat yourselI up as you go Iorward". Our Iamily's response, with the help oI the
school principal, David Mahaley, was to create a Ioundation that honored that all time leading sentiment we all should
have: "LiIe Is For The Living".

We created a Ioundation, the GJCAE, not to mourn our son's passing as that is a process oI dealing with Old Man
Time, but to celebrate those who remained with us, especially our two girls, each other, and the Iriends all oI us had,
including our son. The worst thing to do is to selI punish, to drop out, to Iorget the ones that matter are those who
stand beside you daily. Sometimes events happen that you have no control over and you have to learn to accept it.
Good acts don't come Irom events, good comes Irom what one decides to do with an event.
We hope the work oI the Graham Johnson Cultural Arts Endowment will be to honor those who remain, those who
concentrate on the people here and now and strive to make things better. When people are happy, when they have selI
conIidence, when they are motivated, when they see light at the end oI the tunnel, then there will be Iewer suicides,
Iewer bad days, less suIIering Ior those leIt behind. The Graham Johnson Cultural Arts Endowment, through the
eIIorts oI the volunteer board, the many volunteer Iriends oI our son and this community survive knowing what
matters is LiIe is Ior the Living.