The Leisure Society

by Franois Archambault
Translated by Bobby Theodore Revised production draft, February 2005

Characters MARY & PETER A married couple with a young child PAULA & MARK Fuck friends All characters are around 35 years old, except for Paula who is 21 They are well-off, good-looking, chic, and well-groomed.

0. Mary and Peter, facing the audience, float in a pool of light. They seem to be a united and harmonious coupleThey are asked the 1st question: HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? PETER: Oh, were happy! MARY: Very happy. PETER: We still love each other. MARY: Things are good. PETER: After seven years! Great, huh? MARY: Seven and a half years! PETER: Everyone asks how we manage to stay together! MARY: People are always splitting up. Its pathetic. PETER: Relationships are hard work. But we love each other. MARY: Thats right. We love each other. They smile. They hold hands. Another question: SO, IDEALLY, HOW MANY CHILDREN WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE? PETER: Well, we thought wed have three. MARY: There were three children in Peters family. PETER: A normal family normally has three. MARY: I was an only child. PETER: But theres no such thing as a normal family anymore. MARY: So, we thought two was an acceptable compromise. PETER: We couldve had a second one. MARY: I could have. Ive got nothing against giving birth. PETER: It can be quite a beautiful experience. MARY, making a joke: Oh, yeah. It was a beautiful experience. After it was over. Next question: ARE THINGS GOING WELL WITH YOUR BABY? 3

MARY: The baby? Things are fine. Yes. Fine. PETER: Hes in day-care. An excellent day-care. MARY: The girls really know how to handle him. PETER: Oh, yeah! Theyre really great! MARY: Better than me, even! PETER: Were not home that much. But when we are there, were really there. MARY: We give him quality time. PETER: Right: quality time. MARY: But wed really like to give him a baby sister, too. PETER: Two kids can only be a plus. MARY: Theyll be able to play together. PETER: It can only be a plus. MARY: Thats right. A plus. Question: WHAT REASON DO YOU HAVE FOR CHOOSING TO ADOPT A CHINESE GIRL? PETER: Ohtheres no reason. It couldve been any other race. MARY: No, theres no reason. PETER: WellI guess we kind of think theyre cute. MARY: Yes. Cutebut we really dont have a favourite. PETER: It couldve been something else, but since we had to make a choice, well thats what we chose. MARY: We went to a music competition not too long ago. A niece. And all the first prizes went to these little Chinese kids. Maybe thats why were sort of leaning towards China. PETER: Oh, yeah...I dont know. To Mary. I never made the connection. MARY: We have a piano. We bought a piano. 4

PETER: A present I gave Mary. MARY: I dont know how to play. PETER: She always dreamed of owning a piano. MARY: Ill never have time to learn. But with a little Chinese girl, at least someone in the house will be able to use it! A final question that makes them quite uncomfortable: COULDNT YOUR SON LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO? PETER: Our son? No, I dont think so. MARY: Neither of us has any musical talent. PETER: I cant see the little guy playing music. Can you? MARY: No. PETER: I dont think hell play music MARY: He cries a lot. PETER: Yes. Thats right. He cries a lot. Blackout. ***

1. Something that evokes a living room. Or a sitting room. A low table, two sofas. A grand piano. It is well-decorated. Maybe too beautiful to be real. There are doors or openings that lead to the bedrooms, the kitchen, and the dining room. On one of the pieces of furniture is a baby monitor. At present, we can clearly hear the baby crying. Mary is seated at the piano. Her head is hanging . She casually hits low notes on the keyboard. This could last for some time. Blackout. ***

2. Peter and Mary. They are standing, nervous, and are a little worried. The baby is still crying. PETER: Do you have any cigarettes? MARY: We quit smoking. PETER: I know. But do you have any? MARY: We quit an hour ago. PETER: Exactly. So I can have one more. MARY: Wasnt that our last one? PETER: I didnt smoke it like the last one. MARY: We both agreed it was the last one! PETER: II just wouldve liked to have smoked it like my last cigarette. MARY: And how do you do that? PETER: I dont know. You smoke it. Thats all. You just smoke it. MARY: You dont do anything special? Thats how you smoke your last cigarette? PETER: You smoke it anduhyou think about the first time you smoked one! Thats how. MARY: Thats ridiculous. PETER: Do you have another pack, yes or no? Mary moves towards the piano and turns off the baby monitor. We no longer hear the baby crying. Beat. She lifts the piano top and takes out a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and an ashtray. PETER: You put a pack in the piano? MARY: For emergencies. PETER: Oh, okay. MARY: Good thinking, huh? She gives him a cigarette and takes one for herself.

PETER, shocked: Youre having one? MARY: Why? Arent I allowed? PETER: But you knew we quit! It was clear for you MARY: Theres absolutely no way Im quitting before you do! PETER: You knew we were quitting. You just quit. You shouldnt have another one. Itll be like starting all over again. MARY: Were going to quit together. We said, were going to quit together. Why should I quit before you? She lights both cigarettes. They smoke. Savour their cigarettes. Short pause. PETER: Thats the dress youre going to wear? MARY: Yes, why? PETER: Dont you think its a bit cheerful? MARY: Its just a nice dress. PETER: Were not supposed to be cheerful. Were breaking up with our best friend. MARY: Hes not our best friend! PETER: Oh, no? Then whos our best friend? MARY: We dont have a best friend. You dont have to have a best friend. PETER: Youre dressed like were celebrating something! You look like youre happy were not going to see him anymore. MARY: I am happy. I think what were doing is a good thing. Dont you? PETER: Yes. Of course. Beat. But I think itd be nice to show him its hard for us. Dont you? MARY: Im sorry, but youre not smoking like its your last one. PETER: Sorry. Youre right. Short pause. He smokes. I know theres more. I cant smoke it like its my last one. MARY: Do you want me to throw the pack out? PETER: No. I think Im going to have to have another one. 8

MARY: Me too. Short pause. They smoke. PETER: So, youre going to talk to him? MARY: Oh. So, Im the one who has to do it, is that it? PETER: Youre not going to be alone. Ill be there. Youll talk to him. But Ill be right there next to you. MARY: Youre not going to say anything? PETER: Ill put my arm around you. So he knows I think exactly like you do. MARY: I thought you were going to do it. Arent men supposed to deal with these sorts of things? PETER: Its just thathe owes me five hundred bucks. MARY: You lent him money? PETER: If Im the one who tells him, hell think its because he owes me money. MARY: I cant believe you lent him five hundred dollars!? PETER: Like I had a choice? Were friends. Were supposed to be friends. MARY: Hes pathetic. PETER: I know. So, will you tell him? MARY: Ill start, but you have to talk to him too. So he knows were in this together. That were a team! PETER: Yes. I know. Were a team. Im not forgetting that. We are a team. Pause. MARY: And if you want to know the truth, I didnt put this dress on for him. It was for you. PETER: For me? MARY: Yes. For you. Another pause. Peter looks at his wife. 9

PETER: You wanted to make love? MARY: What do you mean? PETER: Did you put it on so we would make love? MARY: I didnt really have a reason. I never get dressed up when were together. I thought it would be nice for you to see what I look like when I get dressed up. PETER: Ok. Pause. He takes a look at her. MARY: Does it make you want to make love? PETER: Oh, only if you want to. MARY: Ok. PETER: Do you feel like MARY: Im not sure. Maybe we should. PETER: Its been a while. MARY: Its not our fault. We dont have the time anymore. He looks at her for a while. PETER: Would you like to make love? MARY: Now? Right now? PETER: Oh? You want to do it now? MARY: You dont? PETER: Im not sure. MARY: Youd rather wait? PETER: Yeah. I dont know. Maybe. I was thinking maybe we could do it later MARY, shocked: Later? You meanwhen Marks here? PETER: What?!

10

MARY: You you want towith him? PETER: With Mark? MARY: Well, you know... PETER: What? MARY: You said that maybe we should try a threesome. PETER: With Mark? I never said I wanted to do it with Mark! MARY: With someone. You, me and someone else. PETER: Come on, Mary. Wed been drinking. MARY: You said that maybe we were stupid not to try it. That lots of couples were doing it. PETER: We were depressed. MARY: You were depressed. PETER: It was only a fantasy. Why are you MARY: Maybe this can make you happy. PETER: You want to make me happy? MARY: I dont know. PETER: Do I look unhappy? MARY: No. PETER: Do I look more unhappy than back then? MARY: Well...no. PETER: So, why do you want to now? You think I look unhappy? MARY: Im sorry. Forget it. You want us to do it together? Just you and me? PETER: Yes. Just you and me. Later: I mean, after Mark is gone. MARY: Ok. Fine. Well do it after hes gone. Pause. 11

PETER: Itll be better that way. Wont it? MARY: Oh. Sure. Pause. PETER: Besides, we said it was going to be with another woman. So I can see you kiss another woman. Thats what we said we might want to do. Can you see yourself kissing Mark? Well, I cant. MARY: I wasnt going to kiss him. You were both going to do stuff. Both of you. But at your own ends. Thats all. PETER: Ok. Beat. He was going to be on the bottom and I was going to be on top, right? MARY: Sure, Id like it more if you were on top. PETER: Yeahwell, we cant do it with Mark. Hes a friend. We said wed do it with a stranger. If we were going to do it. But Im not so sure we knew what we were saying. Another pause. MARY: Wellthis is the last time were going to see him. He wont be a friend anymore. Sowhy not? PETER: Do you really think after what were going to tell him, that hes going to want to MARY: Hell sleep with anybody. PETER, who cant believe this: You really want the three of us to do it? MARY: Well. Ive had time to think andmaybe its not such a big dealeven this months Cosmopolitan had an article about it. So, maybe this is something we PETER, suddenly very emotional: Take off your clothes. MARY: What? PETER: Take off your clothes. MARY: What is it? Is he here? Did you hear his car? PETER: No. MARY: You want us to be naked when he gets here? 12

PETER: We have an hour to kill. MARY: And? PETER: Take off your clothes. Im horny. MARY: Oh. Youre horny? OK! PETER: Thats right. She sits on the piano keys. He goes to join her. He starts kissing her. Blackout. We hear a pretty tune on the piano. ***

13

3. Peter and Mary, after making love, both sitting on the piano bench. They share a cigarette. PETER: Sorry. That was a bit quick. MARY: Its alright. We were in a hurry. Pause. PETER, to himself: I guess if we did it more often, it would help me be better at it. MARY, to herself. Like a thought: If it were better, maybe wed do it more often. Long pause. They smoke. They are lost in thought. PETER: This wasnt a dangerous time, was it? MARY: Now youre asking? PETER: Were we okay? I mean, theres no chance of you MARY: No. Theres no chance of me getting pregnant. PETER: Ok. Short pause. MARY: Im already pregnant. PETER: What? MARY: Im pregnant. PETER: What? You didnt tell me. MARY: Im telling you now. PETER: Fuck, Mary! MARY: What? Whats wrong? PETER: We cant keep it: were supposed to adopt a little Chinese girl, remember!? MARY: I know/ PETER: We said wed give ourselves some breathing room! Were adopting so we dont have to go through that first year of crying again! Do you really see us, starting all over with diapers, bottles, and no sleep!!! 14

MARY: Of course not. I know/ PETER: Shit, were finally catching our breath again; we dont need any problems! MARY: I know. I made an appointment. Im having an abortion on Tuesday. Pause. Peter absorbs the news. PETER: Oh. Okokay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Youreyoure going to have an abortion. MARY: I just wanted you to know. PETER: Okokay. Thanks forthanks for telling me. Short pause. Trying to be tactful. When exactly, on Tuesday, are you MARY: In the morning. PETER: The morning? MARY: Yes. The morning. PETER, a little surprised: Youre going to miss work? MARY, sarcastic: No. Theyre going to come to the office. Theyre going to borrow the janitors vacuum cleaner and get under my desk so I can keep working. Becoming serious. Of course, Im going to miss work. What do you think? PETER: Did you talk to your boss? MARY: All I said was I wouldnt be there Tuesday morning. PETER: How did he react? MARY: Badly. He wants me to stay until ten twice this week! PETER: Well, I hope you didnt say no. MARY: Come on! Im only missing one morning: why should I stay late twice when Im only missing one morning! PETER: You know people are much less productive at night than in the morning! MARY: Oh, so why dont I stay every night of the week then!!! PETER: You didnt refuse, did you?

15

MARY: I told him Id give him one night, but thats all! PETER: Mary! You just finished your maternity leave! This is no time to make him think your job doesnt interest you anymore! Unless, of course, you dont mind getting fired and spending all day at home changing the babys diapers! Is that what you want? MARY: Of course not! Are you crazy? PETER: They want to lay people off! You know that! MARY: Theyre not going to lay me off! PETER: If you show them the company really means something to you, no, they wont. Beat. Do you have his cell number? MARY: Its Sunday! PETER: You know theres no such thing as Sunday. Call him. Tell him youll work both nights. It would be stupid if you lost your job over something trivial like this. Dont you think? MARY: Something trivial!? Im having an abortion, Peter! You think having an abortion is trivial? PETER: Im sorry. Thats not what I meantI just dont want him to do anything dramatic. You know we need both salaries. We have a standard of living! I think we have a good standard of living. I think we like our standard of living, don't we? MARY: Yes. We like it. PETER: And now, on top of everything, were going to adopt a little Chinese girl. And you know as well as I do that little Chinese girls dont come cheap. He holds out the phone to her. She takes the phone and dials the number. PETER, gently: And tell him why youre missing work. Hes worried youre going to get pregnant again. Im sure hell be happy to know youre having an abortion. Blackout.

***

16

4. Paula and Mary, standing, a little too far apart from each other. Mary is intimidated by Paula who seems more or less at ease. MARY: We dont have any alcohol. PAULA: What do you mean? MARY: We dont have any. We dont drink alcohol. We have a child. PAULA: You dont have anything at all? MARY: We cant. We have a child, you understand? PAULA: I dont have kids. MARY: Peter didnt tell you to bring your own alcohol? PAULA: He mustve told Mark. MARY: I have vegetable juice. I also have mango juice. PAULA: Relax. Its no big deal. MARY: Would you like a glass of water? PAULA: I havent been drinking for long. I mean getting drunk. I drank a bit when I was younger, but Ive only been drinking to get drunk for about two or three years. MARY: Really? How old are you? PAULA: 21. MARY: What!? PAULA: 21. Why? MARY: Youre 21? PAULA: Yeah! MARY: Youre joking? Youre 21 years old?! PAULA: You want to see my ID? MARY, serious: Oh, shit. PAULA: Whats the matter?

17

MARY: You must think Im so old. PAULA: What? MARY: You dont think Im old? That Im wearing too much make-up? That Im dressed like someones Aunt Mary? PAULA: Oh. Ive seen worse than you. MARY: But if you saw me in the street, if you walked by me in the street, would you think I looked like someones aunt? PAULA: Of course not! Why would I/ think that? MARY: You wouldnt say anything to yourself? PAULA: I probably wouldnt say anything. MARY: Yes, but what do I look like? PAULA: What? MARY: Youre looking at me. What do I look like? PAULA: Right now, not much. I mean, we dont know each other. MARY: Well, look at me! What do you see? You must be thinking something? PAULA: UhYoure uhI dont knowsomeone who wears make-upand has a kid, and doesnt drink anymoreI dont know what else to sayUh, youre I dont know- the lady who lives here? MARY, to herself: Lady! I knew it! PAULA: What? MARY: You said: lady! PAULA: Oh, yeah? Sorry. MARY: No, its fine. Its alright. I am a lady. Thats what I am. What can I do? I have to accept it. Im an old lady. PAULA: I dont know what to say. Im sorry. Peter and Mark enter. Mark is carrying a case of wine. MARK, to Mary: Well, hello! That is one fancy dress! Are we celebrating something? 18

PETER: Were not celebrating anything. No. Not celebrating anything. MARY: You didnt tell us you were bringing a date! PAULA: Im not his girlfriend. We just have sex. MARK: Shes my special friend. PAULA: Did you bring something to drink, Mark? Because I can go buy some beer. MARK: Forget the beer, baby. He puts his case of wine on the piano and opens it. He takes out eight bottles of wine, while talking. How are you guys? PETER: Fine. Were fine. MARY: Were happy. PETER: Were very happy. We even just made love! MARK: Well, thats terrific! MARY, sarcastic: Yeah! Terrific! PETER: So? How are you? MARK, all smiles: Oh! Ever since the divorce, lifes been amazing!!! I spend every second week playing daddy with my daughter, and the other weeks I party. I go out, I drink, I do a bit of Ecstasy. Do you know what that is? Its a drug the kids are using. PETER: Weve heard about it. It sounds good. MARK: Im getting laid a lot. I have Paula/ PAULA: His special friend. MARK: and others. On the side. PAULA: Dont worry about me. I have a couple of others on the side, too. MARK: Im doing great, actually! Im a much better father now. Everythings so simple: Love, I have with my daughter, and sex, I have with the girls I pick up when I go out cruising. I have never felt so balanced! Mark chooses a bottle. Okay. I think we can start off with this one. PETER: You shouldnt have brought all that. MARK, to Peter: Well, since I owe you a bit of money, I thought Id get you drunk! 19

PETER: We stopped drinking. MARK: Stopped? PAULA: They stopped drinking. MARK: Oh yeah? What for? Are you on antibiotics? MARY: Maybe we could have a small glass with you. What do you think, Peter? PETER: Sure, maybe. But just one, ok? Blackout. ***

20

5. A little later. A bottle has been emptied and a second has been started. MARY: Listen, MarkWe have to talk. MARK: Well, youre in luck because: Here I am! MARY: You dont understand. We have something to tell you. Right, Peter? PETER: You want me to tell him right now? MARY: Well. Yes. No? PETER: You want me to tell him now? MARY: Yes! MARK, to Peter: Whats going on? PAULA: Would you like me to leave the room? PETER: Yes. That would be nice, yes. MARY: You could go see the baby. PAULA: The baby? MARY: Normally, when a girl comes into a house where theres a baby; normally, she wants to see it. PAULA, gets up: Okay then, Ill be a normal girl. Which way? PETER: That way. Upstairs, to the end of the hall. The door with the moon on it. She exits. Short pause. They look at each other, a bit rigidly, saying nothing. Peter chugs his glass of wine. MARK: This seems really serious. PETER: Mark. MARK: Whats the matter? PETER: Have I ever told you about the time my father said to me: You cant always do what you want.? MARK: I dont think so.

21

PETER: I was in the car, with my father. We never spoke in the car. We always listened to talk shows. MARY, to Peter: What are you telling him all this for? PETER: Let me talk. MARY: Youre making things complicated. PETER: You wanted me to tell him. Let me do this! MARY, to Mark: Its much simpler than this. PETER, impatient with Mary: Will you let me finish my story? MARK: Youre splitting up? Is that it? PETER, rudely: Of course not! We love each other! Were not splitting up! We love each other! Starting his story over with a bit of an aggressive tone. What I wanted to tell you, was that one day my father stopped! He just stopped the car! He switched off the radio! He turned to me, and he said: Son, theres one thing you have to understand in life. You cant always do what you want. Like that! Thats what he told me! MARK: Ok. PETER: At the time, I didnt understand. But since the baby was born, Ive realised that maybe my father was right. When he has his tantrums, I panic, I want to disappear, I dont know what to do. I feel like throwing him against the wallbut I cant throw him against the wall. Hes my child. Im supposed to love him. Even when hes crying! He cries and Im supposed to hold him. You know? Id rather do something else, like read the newspaper, watch TV, or have a drink with you, but Im stuck MARY, to Peter: Where are you going with all this?! PETER, to Mary: Let me finish! To Mark. What Im trying to tell you/ is that MARK: You dont have to explain, I understand perfectly. PETER, to Mary: Good. See, he understands! MARY: What do you understand?! MARK: Well. That youre both a bit upset about MARY: Were not upset! We just dont want to see you anymore! Thats what you need to understand: we dont want to see you anymore! We just dont want to see you anymore!

22

MARK: Listen: I agree. I completely agree. You have no idea how much I agree! PETER, surprised: You agree? Just like that? MARK: Itll be better this way. PETER: I don't know, maybe/ MARK: No, its the right thing to do! PETER: Maybe were going a bit overboard? MARK: No. Honestly, I dont know how we can go on being friends! MARY, to Peter: See, it wasnt so complicated. MARK: Itll be better this way. Sure, its too bad, but itll be better. Short pause. No one knows what to say. Alright, Ill go get Paula and well be on our way. PETER: Arent you going to stay for dinner? MARK: What? PETER: We invited you over for dinner. You dont want to stay? MARK: OhAre you serious? You want You want us to have dinner together? PETER: Yes. Only if you want to, of course. Anyway, thats what we want. Right, Mary? MARY: Yes. Yes, thats what we want. Thats what we had planned. PETER: Were not uncivilised, you know. We thought wed have a little goodbye dinner. In honour of the good times we had together. Because we had some good times, didnt we? MARK: Oh. Sure. We had some good times. MARY: I made a nice roast beef. But if staying is going to make you uncomfortable, well understand. MARK, touched: Really? You made roast beef? MARY: Peter thought it would be a good idea for me to make my roast beef. Peter, feeling generous, takes out a package and holds it out to Mark. PETER: And we also thought wed give you something. 23

MARK: A present? Really, you shouldnt have. PETER: Open it. Mark opens the package. Its a very large (maybe too large?) laminated photo of Mary, Peter, Mark and Roxanne, sitting together at a table in a restaurant. We can tell he is very moved. MARY: Its with Roxanne. Remember? We had a lot of fun that night. MARK: You shouldnt have Again, Im sorry. Im sorry. I dont know what to say. Im sorry. PETER: Why are you sorry? Were the ones who should be sorry. MARK: No. No, you shouldnt. PETER: What were doing is kind of harsh, isnt it? MARY: Oh, please, give me a break! MARK: No, no. You two are absolutely right. Id do the same if I were you. The baby starts to cry. MARK, shocked: Oh, no way! What did that dumb bitch do? PETER: Dont worry well go/ MARK: Jesus! PETER: You know it doesnt take much to get him going. MARK: That stupid bitch! I cant fucking believe it! MARY: Its ok, Mark Paula comes back into the dining room. MARK, hysterical, yells at Paula: What did you do? What did you do? What did you do? Its not a doll, okay, its a baby! PAULA: I know. MARK: Babies are fragile, damn it! If you dont know what to do with them, you don't touch them, Jesus! Its pretty simple!

24

PAULA: Im sorry MARK: WHAT DID YOU DO, HUH? PAULA: I dont know. I guess I woke him up? Blackout. ***

25

6. Fifteen minutes later. Mary and Peter have left to calm the baby down. Mark and Paula have remained in the living room. Paula is angry with Mark and is sitting by herself, sulking. We hear Peter and Mary from the monitor. PETER: Give him to me. MARY: Let him go! Im about to get him to stop! PETER: Youre too tense. Give him to me! All youre doing is giving him your stress MARY: IM NOT STRESSED, OK?! Mark laughs. PAULA: Why are you laughing? MARK: Theyre so boring. All smiles. And now, I wont ever have to see them again. PAULA: What do you mean? MARK: They dont want to see me anymore. PAULA: You seem really upset. MARK: I am so happy! PAULA: Thats nice. Good for you. MARK: God, theyre depressing. Dont you think theyre depressing? PAULA: Well, were probably not in store for a very exciting night. Short pause. Mark feels that Paula is too far away. MARK: Come over here. PAULA: No way. MARK: Youre mad? PAULA: You had no right to yell at me. MARK: I told you to keep away from the baby. PAULA: They asked me to. MARK: You didnt have to go. 26

PAULA: They asked me to! MARK: You couldve pretended. You couldve stayed in the hall and pretended to go in. PAULA: Oh, come on/ MARK: That kid is dangerous! Didnt you see his eyes? PAULA: No. He was sleeping. MARK: I mean when he woke up and started crying. You didnt see his eyes? PAULA: No, whats wrong with them? MARK: You didnt notice? PAULA: I saw his face get red, but I didnt see his eyes/ MARK: I dont like those eyes. That kid isnt normal! PAULA: You think hes retarded? MARK: He reminds me of Damien. PAULA: Whos Damien? MARK: You never saw that movie? You know, the one where this couples baby turns out to be the Antichrist? PAULA: I must be too young. MARK: Im telling you, theres something scary in that kids eyes! Then, from the monitor, we hear Peter and Mary having another argument. PETER: Lets bring him to our room. He feels better when he sleeps in our bed. MARY, sceptical and cynical: Oh yeah! Well just lay him down on our bed and hell stop crying! PETER: Fuck! Were not going to stand here like a couple of idiots and wait for it to stop! MARY, her voice is far away; she leaves the room: Well, bring the monitor, stupid!

27

In the bedroom, Peter unplugs the monitor. Silence. No sound comes from the monitor anymore. MARK, a smile on his lips: Ah! Thats better. Peace and quiet. Short pause. MARK: So, you feel like fooling around? PAULA: Oh yeah! Sure! Why dont you fool around with yourself, Jesus! MARK: Im in a good mood. I want to rub against you. PAULA: Youre such an idiot. MARK: Lets have sex with our clothes on. PAULA: Youre such an idiot. Theyre coming back. MARK: So what? Why cant we fool around? PAULA: I dont feel like it. MARK: Isnt that what usually turns you on? When someone might catch us? PAULA: I don't feel like being turned on. Im mad at you. MARK: Oh, come on! PAULA: You treated me like shit! You know I hate it when you act like Im your girlfriend! MARK: Stop it, okay. Come over here. Lets be nice and make up, okay? PAULA: I dont want to make up! Get off me! Short pause. The monitor, which has just been plugged back in by Peter, lets us know what is happening in the master bedroom. PETER, from the monitor: I might be stupid but I was right: he calmed down! MARY: Oh, yeahsure. Youre so great! Put the pillows around him. Hes going to fall out of bed! PETER: Im doing it, okay! Relax! Blackout *** 28

29

7. A little later. Mark and Peter are alone. They each have a glass of wine. MARK: So, you guys dont drink at all anymore? PETER: No. No more. MARK: Why not? Peter takes a sip of wine. PETER: You know what its like. We have a baby. MARK: Yeah, so? PETER: A baby changes a lot of things. MARK: Yeah. But you dont stop drinking just because you have a baby! PETER: We get less sleep. We cant drink as much as we used to. MARK: So what? Now you can get drunk faster! Short pause. PETER: Mary needed to stop. MARK: Needed to? PETER: She started doing things uhthings that were a little embarrassing. MARK: What do you mean? PETER: WellThe last timewe were in a restaurant. We had two beers before dinner, then some wine with our appetizers Then, when we were having our main course shed ordered veal; she couldnt decide between that and steak tartar so, when she took a bite of her veal, she realised she wouldve rather had the steak tartarand she got mad. She stood up. And she threw her plate on the ground. MARK, thinking its a joke: Youre joking! PETER, seriously: We decided it would be better if we stopped. Paula enters with a pile of plates. On top of the pile are several utensils. The two men look and smile at her in silence. She exits through the door that leads to the dining room. PETER: Well. You seem like youre doing great. MARK: Yeah. Things are going well for me. 30

PETER: Im really happy for you! MARK: Yeahwhats happening to me is pretty special. You know, when youre twenty, all you want to do is to chase after girls. You want to fuck, its all you think about. But Jesus, you have no idea how to do it. But now, you know, I have experience. Im not too old. I still have good reflexes But mostly, I have experience! I know what to say to girls. How to turn them on. At twenty, on the rare occasion I picked up a girl, I just screwed her. I had no technique. I was always in such a rush. I mean, I didnt savour the moment. I was just excited about finally finding a girl who actually wanted to sleep with me! But now, Im really living in the moment! Im focused! And it is amazing! PETER: Well. Thats great. MARK, emotional: You know, the divorce was really hard on me. I hit bottom, but now, now I feel like a new man! Short pause. PETER: Anyway I If you ever feel like getting together MARK: Getting together? PETER: Only if you want to. You can give me a call at the office. MARK: ButI thought it was over. PETER: Yes. Yeah, its over. I mean: as a couple, clearly, we don't want to see you anymore. MARK: Yeah. Clearly. PETER: But, when I go out on my ownI mean, if Im going to go out and end up talking to strangers, why couldnt it be you? MARK: Ok. PETER: So, thats it. If you want Call me at the office. MARK: Well It just so happens Me and a couple of buddies were thinking about going out hunting. Is that something that might interest you? PETER: Hey! Yeah, sure! I really miss that: going outdancing and maybe brushing up against a pretty girl Its been a long time! MARK: No! No, I don't mean hunting for girls. I mean: hunting, in the woods, with a gun, camping, beer 31

PETER: Oh. Right... MARK, a bit too intensely: It would do you some good. The feeling you get when you have an animal in your sights and you pull the triggerits unbelievable. Im telling you: it put me back in touch with real shit You know: what it means to be a man Sometimes, you forget what it means to be a man, God damn it! Well, when you lean over and touch the still-warm body of a moose you just killed, let me tell you, then you know what it means to be a man. PETER: Oh. I dont know. Mary enters the room, carrying a platter. MARY: Its ready! MARK: Great! Wheres that beautiful piece of meat so we can get down to business? They exit and move towards the dining room. Blackout. ***

32

8. They have returned to sit in the living room. The baby is having a new tantrum. They sit there uncomfortably while the baby cries.

PETER: Hell calm down soon. MARY: Sure! Hell just calm down by himself. Getting up to go upstairs to the babys room. PETER: Stay here! He just needs to cry himself out! MARY: No! Im going upstairs! I cant take it anymore! PETER: Stay here! Were trying to have a nice evening together! You don't have to spend the whole night holding the baby! MARY: Oh, yeah, this is really nice! Pause. MARY: Well. Theres no chance youre going up to see him, is there? PETER: Fine! You want me to go see the baby? Is that it? MARK: Peters right, hell calm down sooner or later Wont he? PAULA: Maybe he wants to be with us? Maybe he thinks were having fun and he wants to be with us! MARY, losing it: Were not having fun!!! Why would he want to be with us! Were not having fun! Awkward silence. MARY: Sorry, I I didnt mean to be rude. My nerves are shot. Im sorry. PAULA: Well, anyway, it was delicious. MARK: Yes, the roast beef was great. MARY: It was over-cooked. PETER: No. No, the roast beef was perfect. MARY: Well, great then. If the roast beef was perfect, then everything is perfect Pause.

33

PETER: WellI think Im going to turn the monitor off. He turns the monitor off. We still hear the baby crying from its room but its much less annoying. PAULA, to Mary: What did you put in the meat to make it taste so good? It was yummy. It was really yummy. MARK: It was garlic, darling. PAULA: Oh, thats what it was! Garlic. What a great idea. Its really good. Another pause. It is so long and uncomfortable that Peter feels obliged to start the conversation again PETER: Oh... Mark. We never told you. Weve decided to adopt. MARK: Oh yeah? Beat. You mean: adopt a baby? PETER: Yes. Weve applied. MARK: Ok. Well, thats great. PETER: Theyre looking over our application. But it should be fine. MARK: Of course. You have money. You have a beautiful house. You both have good jobs. I dont see why theyd turn you down. Short pause. The baby continues to cry. PAULA: Why are you doing it? PETER: What? PAULA: Why are you adopting? PETER: Well, we want to. PAULA: But you don't have to, do you? To Mary. I mean, you can get pregnant, cant you? MARY: Oh, I can get pregnant. Dont worry, I can get pregnant, thats for sure. Any time I want. PAULA: Ok. So, that means your baby/ MARY: The one thats been crying all night?

34

PAULA: Your baby isnt adopted, right? PETER: No. No, hes ours. MARY: We made him ourselves. PAULA: Why dont you want to make your second baby? PETER: Oh, we could MARY: But we dont want to. Pause. PETER: You see, the thing is, we always talked about doing volunteer work. We wanted to but we never had the time. So, we said: if we arent able to go and volunteer; then, lets bring the volunteer work home PAULA: You should have another one anyway. MARY: Two children are going to be enough. MARK: Especially when you dont know what condition its going to be in. PETER: What do you mean? MARK: Well, there are all kinds of horror stories. Some are slow, you know physically and mentally, because they were malnourished. And some are just plain retarded. PETER: Yeah, yeah. Of course, theres a bit of a risk But theres no guarantee even if we make our own, is there? Theres nothing stopping us from making a...a retard. MARK: Yes, but you can have tests done to check if the foetus is healthy or not. PETER: And have an abortion if it isnt normal? We wouldnt be able to do that. MARY, sarcastically: Oh? You don't think so? PETER: Wellif it was a child we really wanted If wed made love with the intention of having a baby, I think it would be hard not tonot to see things through to the end, don't you? MARK: I think if you have a retarded child, its easier to love if its yours. MARY: Oh, Im not so sure about that. Short pause. Peter gets up.

35

PETER: Im going to check on the baby. Peter exits. PAULA, to Mary: You shouldnt worry about having a baby that cries all the time. They say if the first one cries, the second one is supposed to be an angel. MARK: What do you know about babies? PAULA: My mother told me that my brother cried all the time. And then they had me. And I never cried. My mother always said she thanked God for deciding to have a second child. MARK: And youre supposed to be an angel? PAULA: Yes. You dont think I am? MARK: Youre pretty experienced for an angel. PAULA: Thats why you like me, Mark. Because Im an angel. And you feel like youre taking away my innocence. MARK, proudly to Mary: Shes bright for her age, isnt she? Blackout. ***

36

9. After dessert. Peter and Paula clear the dirty plates and exit towards the kitchen. It is perfectly quiet again: the baby has stopped crying. MARY: Have you heard from Roxanne recently? MARK: I see her whenever I pick up or drop off our kid. MARY: How is she? MARK: I couldnt tell you. She seems upset when we see each other. But maybe the rest of the time shes okay. Maybe shes just acting that way to piss me off, you know? MARY: What happened is kind of ridiculous, isnt it? MARK: What? MARY: She goes to all the trouble of getting her nose fixed. To make you happy. And two months later, you leave her! MARK: She did it for herself. Not for me. MARY: It cost a fortune. No wonder she went nuts, poor thing. MARK: Im glad you think shes nuts too. MARY: But, you dont go crazy like that overnight. MARK: Well, of course. It happened gradually. I wouldnt have been with her if she was like that right from the start. MARY: Im sure theres a reason. MARK: Maybe its genetic. Her mother is completely crazy too. Peter appears in the doorway. PETER: Were finished with the dishes. Im going down to the basement with Paula. Im going to show her our home-theatre, ok? MARY, dismissively: Yeahok! Go ahead. Peter disappears. Short pause. MARK: Would you like a bit more wine? MARY: Oh. I wouldnt say no. MARK: Good. Then, say yes. 37

MARY, who finds this game a bit silly: Yes! He pours a large glass of wine for her. They take a sip. MARY: Roxanne told me about the wigs. MARK: Wigs? MARY: The wigs she wore, when you made lovebefore you broke up. So you could pretend you were having sex with another girl. MARK: Oh. Right. She told you about the wigs. MARY: I even almost tried it. MARK: Oh, yeah? MARY: Im not blind. I know Peter wants to sleep with other women. Thats what everybody wants. Were only human, arent we? MARK: Oh, yeah? But youre not like that. MARY: Sure. Sometimes II think about it. A good fuck with someone I dont know. About it being a little rough? Something more wild or animal maybe. I think about that, sometimes. I mean, you cant stop your brain from fantasising. Especially now, theres sex everywhere you look. Its ridiculous. The other day, I saw an ad for a dandruff shampoo and it put me in the mood. Can you believe that? MARK: Yes! Yes, I think I saw that one! Short pause. Mary finishes her glass. MARY: Give me a bit more wine while Peter isnt watching. MARK, as if he didnt know: Peter doesnt want you to drink? MARY: Now that we have a kid, hes becoming more and more like his father. Hes getting straighter and straighter. The funny thing is his father is getting less uptight. She takes a sip. MARY: Uhwhat was I talking about? MARK: You were talking about having a good fuck. Pause.

38

MARY: About wigs. I wanted to talk about Roxannes wigs. MARK: Yeah? What do you want to know? MARY: Its silly...I almost tried it. Putting on a wig. To spice things up. But seeing how it didnt work/ MARK: Oh, it worked! Especially when she put on the brown wig! It really got me going when she put on the brown one! MARY: No. No, it didnt work. Youre not together anymore! It didnt save your relationship: you split up! MARK: Maybe But if you want to have good sex, it really works. MARY: Oh, sure. Youre having good sex. With your little teenage girlfriend. But I dont think Roxanne is! MARK: You could have good sex too. Im pretty certain that dress could inspire great sex. Beat. Youre really quite beautiful tonight. MARY: Your little teenager isnt so bad either. MARK: Its easy for her. Shes young. I doubt shell be as beautiful as you when shes your age. MARY: Youll be almost fifty. Youll have to think shes beautiful. Blackout. ***

39

10. Peter, Mary, Paula, and Marks evening continues. They are a bit drunk and for the moment they are happy PETER: Some people are poor, even if they have money. You see it happening more and more. PAULA: Yeah. I guess. I dont know. MARY: I like your hair. It suits you. PAULA: Thanks. PETER: We have some friends who lost their house. That got us more in touch with poverty. Were worrying about it a lot now. Especially with a kid. PAULA: I bet. It must be scary to have a kid. MARY: When I was thirteen, I had long hair. But it didnt look good on me. PAULA: Really? PETER: Even we cant say were rich. We make money, but were not rich. MARY: They say you should let your hair grow when youre pregnant. But I dont have the right kind of face for long hair. PETER: We have some money put away, though. Investments. In case something happens. Something could happen, its possible. PAULA: Sure. Of course. MARY: You have to work with what youve got, right? PAULA: For sure. PETER: Things are happening all over the world. Something could happen here, too. MARY: Have you ever had short hair? PAULA: Not really. PETER: If we want to be able to enjoy our retirement, were going to have to stop working as soon as possible. Its true! We could get cancer or have a heart attack. We might even lose our jobs. Nothing is certain anymore. So, you have no choice: you have to work. And save money. And to save money the best thing to do is borrow. PAULA: Oh, yeah?

40

MARY, to Peter: Do you have to bore her with all your financial talk? PETER: I wish somebodyd explained these things to me when I was her age. MARY: You dont have to listen, you know? PETER: A little advice: even if you have enough money to buy a car, youre better off borrowing. That way, you still have the money you wouldve spent on the carand then you can invest it for your retirement! PAULA: Ok MARY: You really dont have to listen to what hes saying. PETER: The interesting thing about this formula is that while youre putting money away, youre consuming. And thats good for the economy; it creates wealth, and then everybodys happy. Sure, to meet our payments we have to do a bit of overtime But, I dont mind staying late at work as much anymore. MARY: Yeahsometimes you don't even feel like going home. PETER: At work theres a lounge we relax in. And theres a games room with a dart board. At night, we staple our bosses faces to it! He mimes throwing a dart. It helps us unwind. He laughs. Dont tell anyone but you really dont work as hard when you do overtime Short pause. Mark comes back into the room. MARK, on the verge of tears: I went up to the babys room. I wanted to see the baby. PETER: Ok. MARK: I feel a bit bad. PETER: Whats wrong? MARK: I shouldnt have hit him. Im sorry. Uneasiness. MARY: What? You You hit him? PETER: Why? He wasnt even crying! MARK: No. I didnt hit him just now. Im talking about the other time PETER: What other time?

41

MARK: When Roxanne and I were babysitting. The last time we babysat him together PETER: You didnt hit him. He fell off the changing table. MARK: You didnt know? MARY: What didnt we know? MARK: Roxanne didnt tell you anything? PETER: You mean you hit him? MARK: I thought Roxanne told you. PETER: You hit him? You hit the baby? MARY: Roxanne was supposed to tell us you hit the baby? MARK: Not necessarily! She knew, thats all! I thought she told you about it! PAULA: You hit their kid?! MARY: God! That little bitch! Shes become such a bitch since she chopped off her nose! PAULA: Since she chopped off her nose? PETER: Wait! This is serious! You hit the baby?! MARK: Not that hard, okay! PAULA: Whowho chopped off her nose? MARY: I cant believe she didnt tell me anything! We were friends! We were supposed to be friends! MARK: I smacked him in the face a few times! He wouldnt stop crying! He was getting on my nerves And Roxanne and I were fighting! I guess I kind of lost it. PAULA: How could she have chopped off her nose? MARY: She had it cut off! Her nose was smaller than mine but she had to have it cut off! What am I supposed to think, huh? That my nose is gigantic? That Im not supposed to leave the house because my nose is gigantic?! Mark laughs hysterically.

42

MARY: You think this is funny? MARK: I dont get it! You mean: the reason you dont want to see me anymore isnt because I hit your kid?! PETER: Of course not! We didnt know! MARK: I was sure it was because of that! MARY: If wed known about that, we wouldve ended it sooner! PETER: I cant believe you did that! MARK, to Peter: You told me that sometimes you even shake him! PETER: I shake him, I dont hit him! MARY: You shake the baby? PETER: So do you, dont you? Youve done it, right? MARY: Yes, I have, but I didnt know you did it/ PETER: So youre allowed to but Im not? MARY: Youre much stronger than me! PETER: Im not an idiot! I hold back. I dont shake him with all my strength! PAULA: You both shake your baby? MARY: Because he cries. He cries a lot. PETER: You heard him. He cries a lot! MARY: We try to make him understand that its not nice when he cries. PETER: You can lose control! When its three in the morning and you have to get up at five, you can lose control! MARK: Right! Thats what happened! I lost control! MARY: If you want to lose control and hit a child, I think wed rather you hit your own! MARK: I have never hit my baby! MARY: But its okay for you to hit ours! Thats nice! We feel really privileged! 43

MARK: I told you: I wasnt myself! Roxanne just left me there! I lost it! And anyway, hes not dead! His cheek got a bit red, thats all! I remember, I saw him the week after and it was gone! You couldnt see a thing! MARY: Yeah, well Im glad we arent friends anymore. MARK: Mary. Im sorry. Im really sorry. I feel awful. Short pause. PETER: Thats okay, Mark. I think we can understand. MARY: What? PETER: Well...the first time we babysat your daughter, uh MARY: What are you doing? PETER: We sort of lost control, too. MARY: This is really stupid! What are you doing? MARK: What happened? PETER: Wed never taken care of a baby before and MARY: Peter! Stop this, right now! PETER: She was in her no phase, remember? She was pretty awful back then Well, we wanted to give her a bath and she didnt want to have anything to do with it. She had a tantrum, and this wasnt the first one of the night, andwell: we shook her a little bit. MARK: You shook her a little bit? PETER: We didnt hurt her. It was nothing. It was a little nothing shake. But I think we understand how you got to that point. Right, Mary? MARK, to Mary: Youyoure the one who shook her? MARY: I dont know why you told him about that. Theres no comparison! I barely touched her. I didnt slap her across the face a couple of times! I just, uhput her in her place a bit. PETER: Mark told us things that were hard to admit. At the very least, we can do the same for him. We wont be seeing each other anymore, so I want us to end this is on a good note. 44

MARY: A good note? PETER: Well, Id rather we told the truth. I think everyone has made mistakes in all this. But what we have to remember is that no one died. Short pause. MARK: Youre right. Anyway, again, I want to say Im sorry. Pause. Peter looks at Mary. MARY: Fine. Me too. Im sorry. Even if it was no big deal. PETER: Good. Pause. MARK: So this, this means thatthe reason were not going to be friends is MARY: We have nothing in common. MARK: Nothing in common? PETER: Well, mostly a lack of time MARY: But basically, we have nothing in common. MARK: Ok. I understand. I get it. Long pause. They dont really know what to say. PAULA: Hey! We should play a game! Blackout. ***

45

11. We have reached the end of a strip poker game. Peter is in his boxers, while the others havent lost any clothes. MARK: You lost! Man, you lost!!! PETER: Well, I guess well stop now MARK: No way! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! PETER: Come on, this is stupid! Im not going to get naked, okay? MARY: Its a game. Were just playing! PETER: Theres a young woman here! I cant just/ take off my clothes PAULA: Dont worry about me. MARK: Didnt you tell me you got naked in Cuba? PETER: Yes, but I was on a beach. I wasnt in my living room. MARK: So? Youve never been naked in your living room? MARY: You didnt get naked in Cuba! PETER: What do you mean I didnt get naked? MARY: You didnt want people to see your beautiful body! PETER: I was naked! MARY: In the water! PETER: Was I naked, yes or no? MARY: Only when you were swimming! You cant say you were naked: no one could see you! PETER: The water in Cuba is very clear! You can see clear to the bottom! MARY: People on the beach couldnt see you. PETER: Maybe, but the people in the water could Some girls were near me and they saw me naked! MARY: Oh, yeahright! PETER: Well, I saw them! 46

MARK: Would you be more comfortable finishing the game in the pool? MARY: Hey, thats a good idea! PETER: We cant! Well get our hands wet! PAULA: Get our hands wet? PETER: You knowthe cards. MARY: Lets stop playing and go swimming! What do you say? Do you feel like going swimming? PETER: Someones going to have to stay here in case the baby starts crying. MARK: We can bring the monitor outside. PAULA: Ill stay. I don't feel like swimming. MARK: You sure? PAULA: Yeah. PETER: But come and get us if theres a problem with the baby PAULA, as a joke: Dont worry. If theres some baby-shaking that needs doing, Ill come and get you. Blackout. ***

47

12. Peter has just come in to join Paula. He has a towel around his waist. PETER: Is everything okay? PAULA: He hasnt cried. PETER: Good. Beat. Go out if you want, the waters nice. PAULA: I dont like the water much. Pause. PETER: Im not such a big swimmer either. PAULA: Right. PETER: But we have a pool, so I force myself to go in once in a while. Beat. Its a lot of work. PAULA: What? PETER: The pool. Its a lot of work. You have to put in chlorine. Check the ph. A lot of maintenance. PAULA: Right. PETER: It was here when we bought the place. It wouldve been dumb to fill it in and bury it. Its there, you have to use it, you know. So I take a little dip, once in a while. Beat. PAULA: So, did you swim naked? PETER: Yes. I have nothing against being naked. But I like to do it in private. We have a cedar hedge. Its pretty high. It gives us a lot of privacy. Come to think of it, Im going to have to trim it. Its been a while since I trimmed it. I want to keep it at a certain height, but now...its a little high. PAULA: And thats a lot of work, too? PETER: Yes Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Pause. PAULA: Have you ever fucked in the water? PETER: No. No, no, I We havent

48

PAULA: You have a pool and youve never tried it? PETER: We havent had time yet. We havent slowed down since we moved in Trying to make a joke. But its on our to-do list! PAULA, smiling: Before or after the cedar hedge? PETER: Oh! As soon as possible! As soon as possible! PAULA: Too bad. I wouldve liked you to tell me about it. PETER: Tell you about it? PAULA: What its like to fuck in the water. It must be a trip. PETER: Oh, it must be. It must be. PAULA: I wonder if its true that you can get stuck. PETER: Me too. PAULA: Maybe its an urban legend. To scare people. To stop people from fucking in their swimming pools. PETER: Why would anyone want to stop that? PAULA: Well, people were against masturbation in my grandmothers day. They said it could make you go blind or that hair could grow on your palms. Maybe this is made up, too. PETER: Oh. Its possible. Everythings possible nowadays, huh? But, if its true you can get stuck, the first time you try it youre better off doing it with someone who doesnt get on your nerves too much! He laughs. She smiles. PAULA: It must really be a trip. It must feel different. I wonder if things slide as easily. I wonder if you can get wet in the water. Getting wet in the water must be a trip, huh? PETER: It must be a trip Youre right. I never thought about it like that. PAULA: And think about it Floating while you fuck. Fucking while you float. Thats really got to be something! PETER: Yeah. Really. He attempts a smile. The first one who does it, tells, okay? PAULA: Alright. 49

Long pause. They don't know quite what to say. PETER: Well. Im going to see what theyre doing. Blackout ***

50

13. Mary and Paula are dancing to blaring techno music. Mary, extremely drunk, starts to gyrate her hips ( a bit pathetically), putting on a show for Mark who watches her from the comfort of the couch. Peter enters and observes the scene. After a moment, he walks over to the stereo and stops the music. Mary, furious with her husband who has just ruined her moment of pleasure, pours herself another glass of wine and downs it. PETER: Dont you think youve had enough? MARY: Why? Oham I being unpleasant, darling? Sarcastic. As if she were thinking out loud. And why is it that I get so unpleasant when I drink? Not because Im unhappy. Im not unhappy. I have no reason to be unhappy. I have everything I want! I wanted to get Peter in bed: I got him. I wanted him to be all mine: so we got married. I wanted at least one child: I had one. I have the house I wanted. The job I wanted. The car I wanted. The coffee maker, the microwave, the king-size bed, the trip to Cuba, on the beach I wanted, the hotel I wanted, with the mojitos I wanted, with the amount of rum I wanted that was back when we were still drinking and even the exact damned temperature I wanted!!! Hey! I even have a piano I cant use! What more could I possibly want, huh? She has an idea that makes her suddenly happy. Oh! I know! I know, I know, I know, I know! I know what! Smiling. Listen, Mark. Peter and I had a little conversation before you got here. PETER: Mary, I I really dont think we should/ MARY: I know you havent stopped thinking about it either. PETER: We said wed forget about it. MARY: Not with him, darling! With her! PETER: With her? PAULA: Whos her? Me? MARY: You dont want to anymore? MARK: You want to do something with Paula? PETER, to Mary: Of course I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. Of course, I want to. But you should want to before I want to PAULA: Whats going on? Is something going to happen? MARY, pointing to Paula: Mark, dear, do you mind if we borrow her from you? MARK: Borrow her? PAULA: Borrow me?

51

MARY: For a little threesome with my man. MARK: A threesome with Peter? PAULA: Oh, yeah? Uhwhen are we going to do this? MARY: Right now. To Peter. What do you think, darling? PETER: Yeah. Yeah, sure. If you want. Well do it right now. If you want to do it right now, were going to do it right now. Looking at Mark. Of course, if Marks okay with that. MARK: Im sorryIm not too sure I understand whats going on here. MARY: Dont tell me you dont know what a threesome is! MARK: How do I fit into all this? MARY: You dont. You wait here and we come back. MARK: I wait here? PETER: Dont worry. We wont be long. Itll be quick. MARK: I wait here? And do nothing? PETER: Yeahhes right. Whats he going to do? MARY: I don't know. He can watch TV. Or read magazines. MARK: Read magazines? PETER: Maybe Mark is right. We cant really leave him hanging here while were To Mark. Would you like to join us? MARY: Wait a minute, Peter. I want a threesome. PETER: Yeah? MARY: And you dont have a threesome with four people. PETER: Well. One more or less wont make a big difference. MARY: No. No, if there are four of us, I know whats going to happen. Itll be two twosomes, one next to the other. PAULA: Not necessarily. We could I dont know make a sort of chain

52

MARY: A chain? PAULA: I dont know. Theres four of us. We can make a what could you call it a love square MARY: A love square? PAULA: Like a box. PETER: Paulas right. There has to be a way everyone can/ MARY: You people don't get it! I want a threesome! Not an orgy! A threesome, okay! MARK: Come on, four isnt an orgy! PETER: Hes right. MARY: Im trying to be open, Peter! Im willing to bring another person into our bed, fuck! That says a lot! PETER: I know. I mean, Im touched. But/ MARY: Its important for me not to skip any steps! Ive never had group sex! PETER: Me neither, Mary! Me neither! PAULA: If its such a problem, maybe we should just forget it! MARY: Its not a problem! I just want a threesome! Isnt that clear? PETER: Yes. Yes, really clear. MARY: Thats what we talked about! You, me and another girl! Weve been thinking about it for so long! Now that we have the opportunity to do it, were going to do it! Were going to find out what its like! Why does it have to be so complicated? PETER: Its not. Its not complicated. Well make it simple, ok? MARK: Im sorry to ruin the party, but I cant go along with this. MARY: You cant? You think we need your permission? MARK: Well, yeah! You asked me if you could borrow Paula!!! PETER: Hes kind of right. MARK: Were not friends anymore. I dont see why Id let you sleep with Paula. Were not friends anymore! 53

PAULA: Marys right. You dont make my decisions. Im the one they want to fuck. Im not a minor. I can make my own decisions, okay. MARK: Mary wanted to know if I agreed: Im allowed to tell her I dont agree! Arent I? PAULA: Its my ass were talking about! If I want to sleep with Mary andshit! To Mark. Whats his name again? PETER: Peter. PAULA: If I want to sleep with them, Im going to. And thats that. MARK: You can do it if you want to, but not tonight. PAULA: Not tonight? MARK: No. Not tonight. PAULA: Why not? MARK: Because. Because Im here. PAULA: So? MARK: So youre not there when I sleep with other girls. PAULA: Its not as if youre going to be in the room. MARK: But Ill be inside the house! Ill be inside the same house! PAULA: Then youll just have to go for a walk! PETER: Maybe we should just forget about/... MARY: Why? She wants to!? PETER: Yes, but now it seems like its getting complicated. MARY: Its not complicated! I dont know why hes making such a fuss. Shes not even his girlfriend. Shes just his special friend. MARK: Exactly! PAULA: What do you mean, exactly?

54

MARK: Youre my special friend! Being a special friend means something. You have a friendship with a special friend! And friendship means something to me! And besides, what were talking about here is special friendship! Im not going to start trading my friends for roast beef! PAULA: Were not friends. MARK: What? You and I arent friends? PAULA: Special friend doesnt mean anything! MARK: It doesnt mean anything? PAULA: Special friend is just another way of saying fuck friend! MARK: The word friend is still there. PAULA: Yeah but fuck friend doesnt sound so great, does it!?! MARK: But at least theres friendship! A relationship! PAULA: Theres sex! Its just a sexual relationship!!! MARK: Hey! Thats not true! PAULA: We barely know each other. We fuck, thats all! MARK: We dont know each other? PAULA: You think you know me? MARK: Yes. I think I do! PAULA: Whats my favourite colour? MARK: Red. PAULA: Its purple. MARK: Purple! No one likes purple! PAULA: You dont like purple? MARK: Paula. I have never seen you wear purple! PAULA: We dont see each other all the time! MARK: You have a lot of red underwear! 55

PAULA: Youre the one who buys it for me!!! MARY: Listen, were not here to discuss our favourite colours... MARK: Yeah? Then why are we here? So you can screw my girlfriend with your husband while I sit here reading old Chtelaine magazines? PAULA: Your girlfriend? Since when am I your girlfriend? MARK: Since I found out we arent friends! If we arent friends and dont know each other at all, but we have sex togetherThen we must be a couple! MARY: Are you trying to insinuate something about us, Mark? You think theres something wrong with us, is that it? MARK: Do you think a couple that wants to have a threesome is normal? MARY: You sleep with anything that moves! You even do it with whores! MARK, to Peter: You told her about that? PETER: Im sorry MARK: That was between me and you! I cant believe you told her! PETER: Well, you had to tell someone about it! You told me about it. I thought it was huge. So, I had to tell someone about it too! MARY, to Mark: Anyway, I dont think you should be preaching anything about morality to us! MARK: At least I don't force my wife to take part in my perverted sexual fantasies! MARY: Peter isnt forcing me. PETER: Thats right! Im not forcing her! PAULA, to Mark: As if you dont get me to/ MARK: Its normal for us: were only together for sex! Were fuck friends! I dont have a choice! I have to be perverted! MARY: So youre the only one here whos allowed to be perverted? MARK, insincere: Im only saying that if I were married, I wouldnt make my wife do things that were perverted!

56

PAULA: So that means if we were married you wouldnt come in my face? MARK: Jesus! Thats not perverted! Its perfectly normal to come in your wifes face once in a while! PETER: Yeah, sure! MARY: What about the wigs!? Making your wife wear a wig so you can pretend youre having sex with another woman is perverted, isnt it? MARK: It was over between us: I didnt love Roxanne anymore. MARY: You wouldnt get a woman you loved to wear a wig, even if it meant you might have good sex? MARK: If it was a girl I respected, no, I wouldnt! PAULA: A girl you respected? So, that means you don't respect me? MARK: I told you, were only together for sex! PETER: Whats all this about wigs? MARK: Your wife wants to wear a wig to bed to get you to fuck her like an animal! PETER: What! I fuck her like an animal sometimes! MARK: I guess its not wild enough! PETER, to Mary: Whats this all about? You want me to fuck you like an animal? MARY: Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes! Thats what I want! PETER: Like you were a pig or a dog, you mean? MARY: Dont be an idiot! PETER: Because it doesnt turn me on to think Im fucking a pig or a dog! MARY: You don't understand anything! A fuck with animal energy! As if I were a whore! PETER: You want me to treat you like a whore? MARY: Yeeeeesssss! PETER: Dont you think thats a bit humiliating?

57

MARY: I like being humiliated. Okay? PETER, bothered: What? What do you mean, you like being humiliated? MARY: I like it. Thats all. PETER: How can you like it! Being humiliated! Being humiliated isnt something enjoyable! MARY: My shrink says its because I need to feel that youre strong. And I feel like youre strong when you humiliate me. PETER: You have a shrink? MARY: Well, so do you. MARK, to Peter: You have a shrink!? PETER, to Mary: Jesus! You must be totally unsatisfied with your sex lifeI almost never humiliate you! MARY: What difference does it make? We practically have no sex life anyway. Short pause. PAULA: So. Are we going to get this threesome going or what? MARK: Listen, Paula. If this is just to piss me off, I dont think you should do it. PAULA: No. No, its not to piss you off, Mark. I have good reasons for doing it. To Mary and Peter. Shall we? MARY: Yes. Lets. She gets up. She holds out her hand to Peter. You coming? Peter doesnt move. MARY: Whats the matter? PETER: I dont know, I MARY: What? PETER: II feel like we havent talked about it enough. MARY: Weve been talking about it for at least fifteen minutes! What else is there to say!? PETER: I mean us. Talk about it, you and me 58

MARY: Are you coming or not? PETER: I think I had a bit too much to drink. MARY: Everybodys been drinking. PETER: Then maybe I didnt drink enough MARY: Are you coming, yes or no? PETER: Maybe Mark should take my place? MARK: What do you mean? Shes your wife. You should go. Its important for you two to experience this together. MARY: Peter, I dont understand you anymore. PETER: I know. I dont understand myself anymore either, but MARY: This was your idea. Do I have to remind you that this was your idea? PETER: I know. I cant. Im sorry. MARY, taken aback: Alright then. You coming, Mark? MARK: Yup. Mark gets up and joins the two women. The women exit to the bedroom. Mark hesitates MARK, to Peter: At least come watch. Peter gives him a look. Mark exits. At the same time, thanks to the monitor, we hear the girls entering the bedroom. MARY: Shit! The babys in here. PAULA: What should we do? I guess we could go do this in the basement, if you want. MARY: Ill take him to his room. PAULA: Careful. Itll be bad if he wakes up. MARY, sarcastic: We can ask Peter to take care of him. MARK, entering the room: Whats going on?

59

MARY: Im taking the baby to his bed. MARK: Okuh, do you want us to wait or should we just start without you? Blackout. ***

60

14. Peter is alone in the living room. He smokes a cigarette nervously and listens to the heavy sexual breathing coming from the monitor. At a certain point, he cant take it anymore and switches off the monitor. He paces around and ends up sitting at the piano. Mechanically, he plays a simple melody like Chopsticks. He starts off slowly then plays the tune faster and faster and louder and louder. After a while, Mark enters. MARK: I didnt know you played the piano. PETER, startled: Sorry, II dont know what got into me. Was I playing too loud? MARK: No. No, its okay. I hope you dont mind: I borrowed your bathrobe. PETER: No, no Hows it going? MARK: Can I have a cigarette? Peter gives him a cigarette. PETER: Is it over? MARK: Not yet, no. The girls are still at it. I needed a break. PETER: Oh. Ok. MARK: You alright? PETER: So, the girls are alone? MARK: Yeah. You want to join them? You could go in while I take a breather. PETER: I dont know. I dont think Id be too welcome! Short pause. MARK: You know, its hard to satisfy two girls at the same time. Guys always think its the ultimate experience. But the ideal thing is actually the opposite: two guys for one girl. If youre really going to be honest, you have to admit that girls can last longer than we can. Once you come, it takes time before you can restart the engine. Especially at our age. Were not twenty anymore. PETER: Right. MARK: Anyway, I have to tell you youve got a beautiful woman. I mean, shes beautiful naked. And not all women are like that. Roxanne wasnt. She was beautiful when she was dressed. She had style and everything, but it all got ruined when she took off her clothes. She didnt have a nice ass. Her tits werent so good either. They were ordinary. And mushy. But Mary, oh my God I dont know if you know it, but boy, are you lucky! Im telling you, don't let this one go: youve landed yourself a nice piece of

61

ass! Sure she has a little belly but her tits! Firm! I freaked For a fraction of a second I thought they werent real. Ive felt silicone ones beforeits not the same! You can feel it right away! Anyway, for a woman her age its quite amazing! Yeah, sure, she could have a smaller ass, but it doesnt matter I just focused on Paulas ass while I looked at your wifes tits He feels a pleasant tingle. Oh boy! I think Im getting going again! Mark gets up. MARK: Hey, do you have any ice-cubes in your freezer? PETER: Ice-cubes? MARK: Yes. Ice-cubes. To uh He mimes a caress with an imaginary ice-cube. You know? PETER: No, I dont know! I couldnt tell you. MARK: Ill go check. PETER: Mark! MARK: Yes? PETER, suddenly very emotional: Tell Mary I went for a walk! Ok? MARK, almost worried: Uhare you alright? PETER, exploding: Yeah! Im fine! Cant I go for a fucking walk? Peter exits. Blackout. ***

62

15. The next weekend. Paula and Peter, alone. Peter isnt doing so well. PAULA: SoMary isnt here? PETER: No. Shes not. PAULA: Oh. Is she coming back? PETER: Yeah, sure. Shes coming back. Shes not gone forever! PAULA: I meant soon. Is she coming back soon? PETER: Yes. Soon. In two days. Shes at a conference. The baby is at my mothers PAULA: Oh, I thought Id see her. PETER: You wont. Joking. Not unless you spend the next two days here! Beat. Sorry. Im joking. PAULA: When we talked on the phone you said you both wanted to see me. PETER: I said it was important for us to see each other. PAULA: I thoughtthat meant you and her. That she was going to be here, too. PETER: Then it was a misunderstanding. I meant you and me. Its important for us, you and me, to see each other. Do you want something to drink? He moves towards the piano and takes out a mickey of peach schnapps, comes back to Paula and pours her a glass. PAULA: No thanks. Im okay. PETER: Ok. Pause. Peter picks up her glass. Do you mind if I? She gestures, no. He takes a sip. I want you to tell me. PAULA: Tell you? PETER: I want to know how it was. With the three of you. PAULA: Mary didnt tell you? PETER: Its a touchy subject. PAULA: I bet. PETER: Im a little disappointed with how I reacted. How I couldnt

63

PAULA: You shouldnt be. Its only human. PETER: It wasnt good. PAULA: It was human. PETER: We cant seem to talk about it. We act like it never happened. PAULA: Oh. Well, I don't know why you want me telling you about it then! PETER: Actually, I can understand if you don't want to tell me. Peter moves to Paula. Some things are hard to express with words. You don't have to talk about it. PAULA, getting up: Maybe I should go. PETER: I need to talk to someone. I dont have many friends anymore. I dont really know who I can talk to. He looks at Paula. Short pause. She sits. Peter takes another sip. PETER: When Mary goes to pick the baby up at daycare, I stay home and wait by the window. But Im not really waiting for her. I dont want her to come back. I want her and the baby to die in an accident. Not because I don't love her. Its not her fault things are bad. Life is shit, thats all. Beat. If she disappeared with the baby, everything would be easier. Id be unhappy. Shattered. Id have the right to do whatever I wanted without feeling guilty. My life would be a mess. And people wouldnt give a shit. Theyd understand me. Theyd say, He lost his wife and his baby. Hes allowed to be lost. Id be a completely irresponsible loser who hurts peoplebut that would be okay. I wouldnt have to give a fuck about anything. Id have the right to destroy everything, to be angry, to be an asshole! Id be alive! Yeah, thats it: Id be alive. Pause. PAULA: You sure have a funny way of looking at life. PETER: I have condoms. PAULA: What? PETER: I want to sleep with you. PAULA: Listen, I PETER: I absolutely have to sleep with you. PAULA: Im not sure its such a good idea

64

PETER: Come on. We were going to do it. I felt sick. I didnt feel well. But I wanted to PAULA: Yes. Yes, I know PETER: I just need to know what happened. Its simple: if you and I, if we sleep together, Ill be able to visualise what happened. You understand? I mean, I know what its like to make love with Mary, so if I do it with you, then Ill be able to imagine what happened. Ill be able to stop going over and over it in my mind. PAULA: Wellare you going to sleep with Mark too? PETER: What? PAULA: Mark was there. Youre going to have to sleep with him too if you really want to know what happened. PETER: I didnt express myself properly. What I want to dowhat I need to know, is what it would have been like if I had slept with you and Mary, and Mark had gone for a walk instead of me. PAULA: Im sorry, but I dont think its going to work. PETER: Ill bring pictures of her into the bedroom, if you want. To help us feel like shes there. PAULA: I dont want to sleep with you, Peter. PETER: Youd rather there were three of us, is that it? ListenI could call an escort agency and they could send us a girl. What do you think? Ill describe Mary and they can send us a girl who looks like her Pause. She looks at him. PAULA: Call an escort agency. And ask them to send you two girls. PETER: I dont get it! You were going to sleep with me! You wanted to! Dont you remember? Why dont you want to now? You wanted to! PAULA: I dont want to go behind Marys back. PETER: What do you mean? PAULA: I dont want to go behind her back, thats all. PETER: You saw her again? PAULA: What!? 65

PETER: You saw each other again, is that it? PAULA: Of course not! Come on! PETER: Im warning you! Theres no way youre going to steal Mary from me, ok? PAULA: What?! PETER: Shes not a lesbian, ok? PAULA: What the hell are you talking about? PETER: Shes a married woman. Were talking about a married woman, here! Shes not someone like you who sleeps around! PAULA: I think Im going to go. PETER: Yeah! Get out of here, you little tease! Go! I dont ever want to see your face again, ok? She moves towards the exit. PETER: Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Im sorry, I Are you sure you dont want to sleep with me? She exits. I want to have sex! With you! I just want to have sex with you. Why arent I allowed to have sex with you, too? Blackout. ***

66

16. Mary is alone on the couch. She is eating a jar of baby food. We hear the baby babbling happily in bed. After a while, Peter enters and flops down next to her. Short pause. They dont look at each other. PETER, coldly: How was your conference? MARY, the same: Super. Pause. He takes out a cigarette and lights it. PETER: I bought cigarettes. MARY: Good. PETER: This is my last pack. MARY: I doubt it. PETER: I decided this is my last pack. MARY: That would be quite surprising. PETER: Sometimes, life can be quite surprising. MARY: Life yes. You, not so much. Short pause. She gets up and goes to the piano. PETER: Youre going to have to buy another bottle of schnapps. I finished the last one. MARY: Thats too bad. I was a little thirsty. PETER: The piano is a terrible hiding place. MARY: Well, Im not going to hide anymore. PETER: It was a pretty obvious hiding place. MARY: I drank a lot this weekend, and people really liked it. PETER: This is definitely my last pack. MARY: I dont have a clue what I did, but people told me they really liked it. PETER: Ive decided to smoke every cigarette in the pack like its the last one. MARY: Just imagine, I woke up, in my underwear, lying on the bathroom floor and I have no idea how I ended up there Sarcastic. It was really great. 67

PETER: You have to watch the smoke. You watch the smoke slowly drifting up and then disappear. Thats how you smoke your last cigarette. MARY, she smiles sadly: I felt like I was twenty-one years old. PETER: Thats how old I was when I smoked my first cigarette: 21. MARY: I also drank a lot on the plane. PETER: I started late but Im going to quit early. MARY: I hoped wed never ever ever come down. PETER: Mark lent me his hunting rifle. Pause. She looks at him. MARY: A hunting rifle? What for? PETER: What? You find that surprising? MARY, sarcastic: Are you going to shoot the baby? PETER: Only if you want me to. He puts out his cigarette. Tomorrow morning, at 9 oclock, Im going to shoot myself. If you want me to take care of you Lets say, if youre still here at 9, Ill know you want me to take care of you too. If youd rather I didnt, leave before. Take the baby to daycare. Or leave him here. Whatever you want. I cant go on like this anymore. Blackout. ***

68

17. Silence. The baby isnt crying. Mary is in her bathrobe and is sitting on the couch. Shes waiting anxiously. Peter enters in his bathrobe. He walks over to her slowly and sits next to her. Long pause. They don't look at each other. MARY: Whats going on? PETER: Nothing. MARY: Its nine-thirty. PETER: I know. I changed my mind. MARY: What for? PETER: I couldnt do it. MARY: You couldnt do it? PETER: No. MARY: Fuck! How come you cant do anything, huh? How come you cant ever give yourself a kick in the ass and do what you have to do?! PETER: Im sorry. Mary gets up and moves towards the exit. PETER: What are you doing? MARY: What do you think? Im going to get dressed. Its nine-thirty, I was supposed to be at work a half an hour ago. I doubt my boss will be happy Im late! PETER: Wait. MARY: What? Long pause. He looks at her. MARY: Whats the matter!? PETER: Why did you stay? Long pause. Mary doesnt answer. PETER: Im happy you stayed, Mary I thought you were going to let me die alone like a loser... But you stayed. Pause. 69

MARY: The lady from the adoption agency called yesterday. Weve been accepted. And: Im still pregnant. PETER: What?! MARY: I didnt get the abortion. PETER: You didnt get the abortion? What do you mean, you/ MARY: I couldnt do it. You should be able to understand that. I COULDNT DO IT. Pause. She looks at him for a long time. He doesnt say anything. MARY, lifeless: Okay thenIm going to work. She looks at him for a long time. He still cant find anything to say. She exits. Peter stays seated and doesnt move. We hear a pretty melody played on a piano. Darkness envelops the stage.

the end
rehearsal draft 26/02/2005

70