Friday 27th April 2012

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*NUT DEATH MYSTERY*

Following the recent tragic death of Whitney Houston, the world of entertainment has lost another star after the sad passing of Miss Coco Nut was announced. Police are treating the death as mysterious, largely due to the fact that they believe it occurred sometime in the 1980s. Detective Chief Inspector Crystal Meth confirmed that Nuts dismembered body was discovered in a sink in St Annes last Saturday night.

Local Fylde coast residents, where Coco had become a huge star, were said to be in a state of disbelief. Regular visitor and Coco confidant, Thomas Bourne, was too upset to speak to the press. However, Bournes close friend Gabriel Singleton poignantly commented, Daddy said she was a bit of a dick. Betsie Singleton concurred, although tellingly, Tilli Singleton refused to be drawn into the affair. Her dignified silence speaking volumes for the esteem Coco was held in.

Devastation written all over Gabes face

Coco rose to fame after being named as the 2011 St Annes Carnival queen, going onto to enjoy unparalleled success for a fibrous one-seeded drupe, making appearances on Loose Women and Something for the Weekend, before eventually embarking on an ill-fated hip hop career. Police sources believe her foray into the notoriously murky world of rap and its many baddies could hold the key to the investigation. Agent and friend, Stacey Laird, who shared some very personal highs and lows with Nut throughout the last year, was last seen face down in a puddle of B&M Bargains cheap plonk. One man happy to talk to us was Giancarlo (or was it Gianni?) Gusto, owner of Lytham eatery Gusto Pizzeria (born in Liverpool, raised in Lytham remember). Coco wuz a gaffer chick and 'ad such style and charm. it's 'eartbreak'n dat she's left us at such a young age. She wuz dead popular wi' de locals and everyone wul choss 'er sunny personality. Off the record, Giancarlo confirmed he couldnt really give a shit as hed won 6.50 on the Grand National and was off to Birkenhead on his holidays.

Coco in happier times Details of the funeral have yet to be confirmed, although it is believed Gypsy James Petulengro and the funny woman in Bake and Cake (TWO fucking pounds?! How much? Two FUCKING quid??) are set to pay emotional tributes. *Police are not linking the case to that of the arrest of a 43 year old male in Ashton Gardens last Sunday. The man, said to be of Bangladeshi origin, was caught naked and in the possession of a Hashish pipe and some cheese puffs, claiming that it was, like, totally 1984, dude.* #goodbyeandendofanera