16

Riding a Wild Stallion

You step ollio the fronl porch of your farmhouse. You
feel the warm (,ness of the morn ing sun. You stretch you r
arms wide and breathe in the fre sh spring air. Then some-
thing Oil thc horizon catches YOUT eye. A shape in the dis-
tance, moving very quickly.
You rub your eyes, not quitc sure if you arc dreaming. But no, it 's reaL
You dash back inside, grab your binoculars, dash back out. Raise thcm
to your eyes. And there it is: a magnificent beast, thundering across
the plain, powerful muscles rippling beneath a coal of pure bhKk hair.
But it's not one of your own horses. It's a wild stalli on. And somehow it
has found its way onto your properly. So what do you do?
Ft"ar is like a wild stallion. If wt: know how to harness its ("Ilcrgy,
w(- can use it to our advantage. But if we don't know how to handle it,
we're in trouble. Imagine approaching a wild stallion without some
good horse-wrangling skills: you'd get kicked, bitt en, or trampled, and
waste a lot of time and cnergy for no useful outcome. On the other
hand, if you're a skilled horse-whispercr, thcn you can approach that
horse safely. And over time, if you treat it well, you can build a good
relationship with it and eventuall y ride it.
Now, I have to admit I know absolutely nothing about handling
horses. But I do know quite a lot about handling fear. So I'm going to
show you how to become a
'"'

THE ABC OF FEA R-WHISPERI NG
There's a simple ABC formula for fear-whispering. When fear shows
up, we ... allow it, befriend it, and channel it.
ALLOW IT
Think of that wild stallion racing around. If you ever want to make use
of its awesome strength, speed, and stamina, you tirst have to allow it
to stay on your ranch. And the same goes for fear.
"There is a huge amount of energy within our fear. Remember, the
tight-or-tlight response evolved over hundreds of millions of years to
prepare our bodies for action. Fear gives us sharpened reflexes, in-
creased musele tone, heightened awareness, and greater strength. It's
like a potent fuel. But we'll never learn how to use that fuel if we're not
willing to handle it.
In the previous chapter, you learned how to allow your fear: you
notice, acknowledge, and make space for it. After allowing, the next
step is to.
BEFRtEND IT
If you want to tame that wild horse, allowing it to stay on your ranch
is not enough. You have to build a positive relationship with it; you
have to win its trust. How do you do that? Well, from what J'v<' seen in
thl' movies, you approach it cautiously, talking softly and gently, get-
ting closer and closer, and then you offer it some tasty food and, if it
lets you, you stroke its flank, keep talking calmly and soothingly, and
show it that you're a friend, not a threat.
Note: we do have to be careful when comparing horses with fear,
because horses can seriously injure or even kill us. In contrast,fear is
totally ilarmless. ' rhe worst it can do is make us feel very uncomfort -
able. But that aside, the comparison is useful: if we want to use our fear
to our advantage, allowing it isn't enough; we need to befriend it.
Now, at this point your mind may start protl'sting, "But I don't like
this feeling)" Rest assured: you don't have to like it. Let's suppose thl're
184 rAMINGYOUR FEAR

is a lonely old man in your neighborhood, and I offer to pay you ten
billion dollars to befriend him. And let's suppose this man has some
unusual habits: he is prone to angry outbursts of abusive comments,
wt"ars filthy clotht"s, and totally neglt"cts his pt"rsonal hygit"ne. So you
rt"ally don't likt" him. And yet ... thnt"'s tt"n billion dollars at stakt"
here. Would you make the effort to befriend him, even if you didn't
like him? For ten billion dollars. I'm sure you wouldl
So what about ft"aT? If bdTiending it helps you to liVt" by your val -
ues, achiC've your goals, perform at your peak, develop genuine con-
fidence. and generally live a richer, fuller. more meaningful life. then
will you make the effort, even though you don't like it?
Befriending your fear is just like befriending a person or a horse.
Friendliness involves being pleasant, welcoming, affectionate, trust-
ing, coll aborative. and helpful. Does this sound likt" a tall ordn?
Maybt" it is. but I t"ncouragl' you to give il a try and st"e what happens.
Be pteasant and weh;oming to your fear.
I! may st"em very weird. but try talking to it (making surt" to keep a
strong sense of humor). You might say, uHeHo, fear. How thoughtful
of you to drop by today. Come on in and make you rself at home. What
do you want to do today? Oh. you want to give my heart a bit of a
workout, do Please, do be my guest. Sec how fast you can get it
racing_ Oh, you want to chase some butterflies around my
Pleasl" go for it. My housl' is your houst"."
Obviously you wouldn't do somt"lhing likt" this in thl' middll' of
an interview or a performance. because it would interfere with task-
focused attention. But there arc plenty of times and places where you
could try tbis, such as in thc car, in bed. waiting in line. during COIll -
mercial breaks on TV, and so on.
Be affectionate toward your fear.
lf you've got a good imagination, you could imagine shaking fear's
hand, inviting it into your body, and slipping your arm warmly around
its back. And if you'rc somewhere private, then you could gently place
A W I LD 185

a hand on the fear-that is, on the part of the body where you feel it
most intensely- and "hold it" gently, letting it feel the soothing warmth
of your hand.
Be trust ing toward your fear.
It's not out to get you. Fear evolved for a purpose: to help us handle
challenging situations effectively. It alerts us to risks and threats, and
readies us for action, should it be necessary. So we'd be in big trouble if
we didn't have any.
Be collaborative with your fear.
Recognize that you're playing on the same team. Don't fight with your
fear; it's there to support you. It's a signal, it lets you know you're fac-
ing a challenge. So perhaps you could remind yourself, "This is my
brain, alerting me to a challenge, This is my body gelling me ready for
action ," Regard it as a teammate, not an opponent.
8e hetpfu l toward your fear.
Fear evolved to give you strength, speed, focus, and stamina. So help
it to do its job. Help it to put its energy into something useful, some-
thing meaningful, something life-enhancing, In other words.
CHANNEL tT
Cast your mind back once more to that wild stallion. You've allowed
it to stay and bdriended it. Now what? Now you want to use it to your
benefit, to saddle it up and ride it.
And so it is with fear. You've allowed it, befriended it- now use it.
Take a moment to notice how much energy it gives you: all that adren-
aline flowing through your system. Your whole body is geared up for
action, As I mentioned earlier, many successful athletes, businesspeo-
ple, and stage performers don't use the word fear to describe those
feclings they have when facing a challenge_ They often talk instead of
being "revved," "pumped," "jui ced," "wired; or "amped_" These terms
all acknowledg( the ('nergizing aspects of the fight-or-night response,
186 TAMING YOUR FEAR
So ask yourself, "How can [make use of all this energy? What values-
guided activities can I channel it i n t o ? ~
Of course, there are situations where you can't channel your fear
into something useful. For example, if you're out on a first date, chat-
ting away in a quiet bar or restaurant, there's nol much you can do
with all that energy, [n such an instance, you just make room for it and
engage fully in the present.
However, there are plenty of times when you call make good use
of your energy. For example, if you're playing sports, being physically
active, or giving some sort of performance, then you can channel all
Ihis fear energy into it.
Reminding yourself to lise your fear can make a huge difference at
times. Over the past few years, I've been giving talks and workshops in
Australia, the United Stales, and Europe, to audiences varying in size
from half a dozen 10 several thousand. Do [ feel confident about doing
this? Well , most of the time, yes I do, I certainly did/I'! feel confident
when I first started, but at this point I've had so much practice that!
generally do. However, when I'm speaking on a new topic, or running
a brand-new type of workshop, I definitely do IIOt feel confident. (Nor
do I expect to, until I've done it over and over.) But [do act with confi -
dence: [get up on stage, give the speech or workshop, and engage fully
in the task,
Now, hl're's the thing: regardless of whether or not I fecI confiden\, [
always feel fea r.lftha! surprises you, let me remind you of some basic
human biology: When we're facing a genuine challenge, we're going
to have a fight-or-flight response. So no matter how confident we are
at doing something, if the situation is challenging, we'll feel fear. You
may rcrall this rule:
RULE 2
Genuine confi dence is not the abUli a of fear; it is a trall sjormeJ
reiatiolls/,ip with fear.
RI DII>IG A W I LD STA LLION 187

'Thus, before I start my talk or workshop, I make room for my fear,
take a deep breath, and say to myself, "OK! Here we go! Let's put this
energy into action!" The fear is still there, but my relationship with it
has transformed, Now it's not just something I need to make room for
in order to get on with my life, Now it's something useful in its own
right. It's a potent fuel, a burst of energy that revs me up, gets me buzz
ing, and enhances Iny performance,
And you can do the same thing in your life. Remind yourself regu-
larly to channel your fear and notice the difference it makes when you
do so. It may take a while to get the hang of this, but when you do, it
makes a huge difference. Indeed, over time, you may find yourself us-
ing words like revved; "pumped," and "amped," instead o f f e a r ~ and
'"anxiety." And if there's nothing for you to channel your fear into, then
make room for it and engagt
O
fully in whatever you arc doing.
WHERE TO NEXT?
This brings us to the end of part 4 of the book. In the fifth and final
part, we're going to tic it all together: values, goals, actions, dcfusion,
engagement, and expansion. And we'lJ also look at self-motivation,
overcoming obstacles, and the keys to peak performance. For now,
we'lI finish up with one more rule for winning the confidence game:
RULE 8
Doo' t fight your fear; allow it , befriend it , and , bannel it.
188 TAMINGVOUR FEAR