How To Deal With Your Temper

Do you lose your temper quickly? When youre caught in traffic, do you lose your cool? Do you have shouting matches with your spouse? Do you yell at your kids often? Do you use degrading language? Do you not speak to people youre angry with for days, weeks, or even months? If your answer is Yes to some of these questions, then you have a problem with patience. And you need to hear what Im going to say today. Heres my big message for you today: Impatience means you lack trust in God. Many times, youre impatient because you take matters in your hands. If you want to be patient, learn to take matters into Gods hands. (If you dont understand this yet, its okay. By the end of this article, you will.) Let me tell you about two men who were blowing their top

Two Very Angry Brothers

I love this very human story. Jesus was being rejected by a Samaritan Town. And James and John were so angry at them, they asked, Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them? (See Luke 9:52-56) James and John were so angry, they wanted to massacre an entire town. They wanted to kill men, women, and children. Including cute babies. Fry them all to a crisp. In the brothers minds, it was their right to be angry. To them, this was righteous anger. Why? These Samaritans were making the most horrendous mistake of their lives. They were rejecting Jesus, the Son of the Living God.

So they said, Kill em, Lord! Heres an important point: An angry person always thinks its his right that he should get angry. In his mind, its perfectly justifiable. But what did Jesus do? He rebuked them. Perhaps he said to them, Look guys, once upon a time, you were hard-headed too. You were as obstinate and foolish as they were. But God didnt throw fiery comets at you. He was patient with you. You should do the same.

Where Does Your Impatience Come From?

Let me tell you another story. One day, a husband and wife were at home eating breakfast. Right in front of the wife was their window, and through it, she could see her neighbor hanging clothes in the clothesline. Look at those clothes! Their dirty! she told her husband. Does she even use detergent? My goodness. The next day, as they sat at the table eating breakfast, she saw the same scene again. She said, I cant believe how dirty those clothes are. Someone has to teach that woman how to do the laundry! And for the next few days, she kept criticizing her neighbor. But after a month, as they ate breakfast, she looked through the window and was surprised to see very white, clean clothes. Its a miracle! the wife told her husband, Our neighbor finally learned how to wash clothes! The husband smiled. Not really. Finally, this morning, I cleaned our windows Patience is not an external problem. Patience is always an internal problem. Circumstances dont cause your impatience. Traffic doesnt cause your impatience. Your unruly child doesnt cause your impatience.

You cause your impatience. You need to wash your windows.

Where Does Your Impatience Come From?

Impatience comes from your desire to control things that you have no control over. James and John wanted to control the Samaritans. When they couldnt, they got angry. When you tell little Junior, Take a bath! and he dillydallies, you get impatient because youre not in control. When a mammoth traffic builds up, you get impatient because youre not in control. When the lines in the mall are extra long, you get impatient because youre not in control. Dont get me wrong. The desire to control, by itself, isnt bad. God gave you the power to control a few things. For example, parents need to be in control of their home. And managers need to control their companies. You just need to know the difference between what you can control and what you cant

What Do You Control?

There are two Areas in your life: The Area of Control and the Area of Concern. You need to know the difference. Your Area of Control is very small compared to your Area of Concern. At the end of the day, you can only control one thing: Yourself. Many times, you cant control the stimuli around you. But you control your response to that stimuli. Stephen Covey says that between stimuli and response, theres a gap. That gap is your power. Heres one example.

Whats Your Response To Peoples Faults?

Question: Are you surrounded by people who have faults? If you are, then you need to listen to this verse from the Bible: Make allowance for each others faults(Colossians 3:13) You cant control peoples faults. But you can control your response to those faults. How? Expect imperfection. Do this one thing and youll remove many of your frustrations. Your relationships will be happier. Learn to live with the imperfection of people. Speaking about imperfection, let me share about my marriage

My Marriage Is Fantastic
I have a fantastic marriage. Not perfect. But fantastic. Reason? My wife and I have accepted each others imperfections. For example, it takes me 5 minutes to get dressed. But it takes my wife two hours. In the first three years of our marriage, this fact bothered me so much. Id sit in the car, enduring the agony of waiting for her. Id grip the steering wheel so hard, if it werent made of steel, it would have become a pretzel. Id grit my teeth, muttering to myself, Why in the world does she take so much time? But for ten years now, the situation has totally changed. Mind you, she didnt change. She still takes 2 hours to dress. But Ive changed. Ive washed my window. Ive accepted that as part of marrying a beautiful woman. So what if were a little late? Its not the end of the world. Oh yes, I still sit in the car and wait for her. But I no longer endure it. I enjoy it. I enjoy the quiet. When she finally gets in the car, I say, Hi, gorgeous One more example

How Do You Respond To Traffic

You cant control the traffic. (Unless you happen to work as a traffic cop.) Traffic belongs to your Area of Concern. What can you control? You can control your response to the traffic. Are you going to blow your top or are you going to enjoy the traffic? Thats up to you. Call me crazy, but Ive learned to enjoy traffic. When theres traffic, I take it as a gift from God to slow me down. To chat with the other passengers. To listen to an inspiring audiotalk. To plan for a project. And if Im not driving, to catch up on my reading. If you want to become a patient person, you need to do 3 very important things

Emergency Steps: Stop, Look, & Listen

If you have problems with your temper, and you feel your anger brewing within you, you want to Stop, Look, and Listen.

Step 1: Stop
Are you about to explode? Count one to ten. Count one to ten thousand if necessary. The important thing is to stop what your anger wants you to do at that precise moment. (I know of a few people whore in jail now because they obeyed their anger.) I know stopping isnt easy. Someone told me its like stopping a landslide when the rocks are already falling. In psychology, they call this a pattern interrupt. Do something so unexpected, itll short-circuit your brain pattern. Take a walk. Go out and exercise. Slap yourself. Laugh! Close your eyes, inhale, and breathe in Gods Love.

Visualize youre in a lovely beach or forest or mountaintop. Most of all, pray. Thats what I mean by Stop. Dont obey your anger. Dont send that angry email. Dont send that angry text. Dont shout that angry word. Believe me, if you do, youll regret it forever.

Youll Regret Saying Your Angry Words

I read a story of a boy who had a bad temper. His father told him, Son, every time youre angry, get a nail and hammer it on the fence. The son did as instructed. On the first day, he hammered 37 nails on their wooden fence. But as the days went by, he hammered fewer nails each day. He realized it was easier to tame his anger than hammer nails. Finally, a day came when he didnt hammer a single nail. The boy went to his father and told him the good news. Dad, Im able to control my anger already. The father said, Congratulations son. Im happy for you. Come, lets remove the nails from the fence. As the son pulled out the last nail from the wooden fence, the father said, Son, do you see what I see? Nail holes, the son said, Lots of them. The father looks him in the eye and says, Son, next time you want to say angry words, remember this fence. Even if you apologize later, angry words leaves a scar in the hearts of people. Even if youre forgiven, that scar remains for a long time. Just stop. The Bible says, Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for mans anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19-20)

Heres the second step

Step 2: Look
Look for God in the difficult situation. Specifically, look for Gods Love. Look for Him loving you at that moment of testing. Look for His Presence in this irritating situation or annoying person. One day, my flight to Cebu was delayed for 4 hours. When the announcement was made over the loud speakers, everyone around me in the airport grumbled loudly. And the complaining didnt stop. About missed meetings. About lost time. About being stuck in the airport. Delayed flights arent in my Area of Control. Its in my Area of Concern. And I repeat, anything in my Area of Concern are things I need to entrust to Gods Love. I need to believe that God is doing something behind the scenes, working all things for my good. (Romans 8:28) So I had a totally different reaction. I closed my eyes and smiled. I saw God in that situation. In my mind, God was giving me an unexpected 4-hour vacation. I was like a little kid on Christmas, excited to open a huge giftwrapped box. I read my book; made new friends; wrote a new article; called up my wife; I even walked around the airport for my daily exercise. It was a beautiful surprise gift from God. I loved it so much, when I have a flight today, I sometimes secretly wish it were delayed. So just in case you have a flight, and it gets delayed, look for me in the airport. (Sorry, my wishes are powerful.) Finally, the third step

Step 3: Listen
Listen to Gods instructions.

Ask the big question: Whats the wise thing to do? Some people think being patient means being passive. Not true. You can be patient and proactive at the same time. One day, my friend was in a bank with a very long line. How long? He said he was waiting in the cue for 30 minutes. And all the customers were complaining. Instead of grumbling like everyone else, my friend responded with action. He looked for the manager, and simply (patiently) asked if she could add tellers. She actually did. She added two more tellersand instantly, that one long line became three short lines. In your Area of Control, you control. But in your Area of Concern, you influence. How? Through patient action. Let me give you another example of patient action

A Word To Parents With Temper Problems

Are you a parent with a short fuse? Let me guess. So far, your temper has been a disaster. It hasnt worked. Your anger has failed in training your kids. Youve learned that no amount of shouting works. So heres my suggestion. Change your strategy. Let me give you Gods wisdom. I read Kevin Lemans book, Have A New Kid By Friday. He gives fantastic advice. Basically, he tells parents not to get angry when kids misbehave. He explains why

Children Dont Listen To Anger, They Listen To Action

Let me give you an example from Kevin Leman. 4-year old Julio is at the back of the car, throwing a temper tantrum. He screams, I hate you Mommy! Mommy, instead of using anger, uses action. A few minutes after they arrive home, Julio goes to the kitchen. He looks for his milk and cookiesand its not there. At that point, his quiet world is discombobulated. Because kids are creatures of habit. Every afternoon, Mommy always prepares milk and cookies. So Julio goes to his mother and asks, Mommy, where are my milk and cookies? Very calmly, mommy says, No milk and cookies today. She then turns around and walks away. (This step is very important.) Little Julio runs after her. (Kids always do.) He asks, Why Mommy? Why? Why? Why? This is a teachable moment. This is when he is actually open to what Mommy has to say. She says, Because I didnt like what you did in the car. You had a temper tantrum. (Mommy acts it out just to make it clearer to the little guy.) And you said, I hate you, Mommy. That hurt me very much. By this time, little Julio is bawling, Im so sorry Mommy! I wont do it again. Mommy says, I forgive you, Julio. She hugs him. Thats when Julio whimpers, his big eyes filled with giant tears, Mommy, can I have my milk and cookies now? Heres the secret sauce of this powerful action. Mommy says, No milk and cookies today. Youll have it tomorrow. Believe me, Julio will never forget the lesson. Why? Because kids dont listen to your anger. They listen to action.

And you only have to do this once or twice. Hell never throw another temper tantrum again. Let me end

Relax And Trust In Gods Love More

I repeat: Impatience comes from lack of trust in Gods Love. How come? You become impatient because of a desire to control things you have no control over. But where does this desire to control come from? Sometimes, it comes from love. A genuine concern for others. But many times, it comes from fear. Ive noticed that many times, subconscious fear is the fuel of our impatience. And our greatest fear is the fear of worthlessness. I know that sounds deep. But its really very simple. Often, the fear of worthlessness causes your impatience. Let me give you an example. One day, a mother came up to me and shared to me her total frustration with her daughter. She said, Her grades are so bad. She spends hours on the phone. And she looks horrible with her black lipstick and black nail polish. Her boyfriend looks like smelly bum. Oh Bo, theres not a day when I dont shout at her! I asked her this question. Why are you angry? Because because shes not acting right! I mean, what will others say? That Im not a good mother? Aha. There lies the real reason for her rage. The fear of what other people will say In other words, its the fear of social death.

Its the fear of worthlessness thats driving her anger. That is why, I believe that the ultimate solution to impatience is trusting in Gods Love. When you know youre totally, completely, and absolutely loved by God, you know theres nothing else to prove. You relax. Impatience drains out of your system. Why was I so angry at my wife because her long preparation time? When I dug deeper, I realized that it was because I was afraid of people telling me, Bo is late for our meeting. What a terrible example But then the switch came in my heart. When I realized I was totally, completely, and perfectly lovedI knew I was whole. I didnt need anyones good opinion about me to make me whole. There was nothing to prove. I found I no longer cared about what other said about me. Fear was gone. I began to relax in Gods Love. And my impatience vanished as well. Because perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).

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