Boredom Lewis Dole was never the man to spur controversy.

To understand this, one must understand his rather tragic upbringing. As a very young child, well before the age of ten, but not preceding that of four, a great many expectations were put on Lewis. First of all, he was a complete mutt. His dad was a German farmer, several generations removed from a peasant in the noble court the old man often bragged until he accidentally set fire to himself and died during Lewis twelfth birthday party (actually it was Lewis sixteenth birthday, but neither parent was much disposed towards numbers). Lewis mother had belonged to a tribe on an island in the south pacific, but having gotten lost one day, wound up in northern Canada, where she met Lewis dad, who too had found himself inexplicably rather far from home. Now, I feel I should quickly tell where the last name Dole comes from with a German father, as it is actually quite an interesting story. When Lewis was born, the issue of naming him quickly became heavily contested between his two parents, and since neither knew a word of the others language, they had to resort to a series of grunts to sort the matter out, a soft grunt meaning yes and a loud grunt meaning no. After agonizing over the issue for most likely months, although yet again, neither could count above the number twelve so it is entirely impossible to be certain, the decision was reached when after eating a pineapple for the first time, both gave soft grunts in approval

of the pineapple, and because they both were pointing at the pineapple during their respective grunts, each thought the other was pointing to the name Dole labeled across the front of the pineapple, and so the debate was settled, all thanks to the pineapple. Of course, this only explains Lewis last name. Most likely, this is due to his mom being accustomed to people only having one name, while his dad assumed Dole would be Lewis first name. However, after the untimely death of first his father, and then soon after, his mother by means of a steep flight of stairs, Lewis was left alone with only the name Dole. The name Lewis came about merely by chance, when one day a rather nearsighted socialite mistook Lewis for his son Lewis, and took him in and raised him literally as his own (the actual Lewis had actually since left home, married, and was living pleasantly with three kids in a small town in West Scotland, but the father had an even worse memory than eyesight). This is precisely how Lewis came into the great fortune he has today, after the old man walked in front of a bus one day, and left his entire estate to the man he believed to be his own son. To get back on topic, yes, a great many expectations were placed on Lewis. As you may recall, Lewis parents spoke different languages, and so when they spoke to him, they had no way to know if they were coordinating their parenting advice, and almost always, did not. His father was a strict believer in a son following in the familys footsteps, and so in that aspect, Lewis began training to be a peasant farmer. Such aspirations became slightly problematic, as there existed no farmland for miles. His

mother on the other hand, the great believer in faith she was, thought Lewis to be a virtuosic pianist. Although Lewis had never even been in the same room as a piano, and possibly was completely unaware of their existence, his mother claimed he had a distinct feature that made him ideally suited for the piano. (Another time she claimed she saw this destiny in a dream, and yet another, she undeniably said god spoke to her. In any account, these conflicting stories make his mother an utterly unreliable source, and should never be trusted, or even remotely listened to. Luckily, she is after all dead, so that situation has been averted). Nevertheless, Lewis grew up splitting time between farming with no land, and playing piano with no keys. More than likely, reasons such as this are the explanation for Lewis below average intelligence, although genetics probably have played their own special role too. In any event, with all the confusion as a child stemming from his parents failures, Lewis became the type never to spur controversy. Whenever he would find himself in a situation with another person, he would see it as much easier to simply agree with everything being said than to come up with some bit of intelligent retort. Come to think of it, in all my years having known Lewis, never once had he disagreed with me, making it all the stranger when he finally did. I do believe it was a Sunday, or possibly a Monday, no, I suppose it was neither a Sunday or a Monday, lets say Thursday, yes thats better, a Thursday in mid-August that Lewis first disagreed with me. Id invited Lewis out to lunch (I often liked doing this, as

due to Lewis vast fortune, he always felt it necessary to pay), and insisted as it was such a beautiful day, we go to the nicest restaurant in town. As expected, the meal went splendidly, and as usual Lewis picked up the bill. But then something very strange happened: He asked me if Id like to get some coffee. Now Id never seen Lewis drink coffee before, and as put off as I was to see him get his possible first taste of caffeine, free coffee is free coffee. (Wanting to have some fun with him though, I said, Free coffee isnt free coffee, to which he responded, Precisely). It quickly became quite evident that Lewis did not in fact have any idea what coffee was, most likely hed heard of it in one of his elitist social circles, and so after hours of walking the streets, all the while Lewis mumbling concerns such as, Maybe the next one will have it, and, Oh dear, there doesnt seem to be any coffee in this town, I finally took charge and led the way to a particularly pleasant caf. (To be fair, it wasnt entirely Lewis fault he couldnt find a coffee shop, as to have a bit more fun with him, I had led him into a residential neighborhood, and so, his entire search comprised of ringing peoples doorbells and in the event a door was already open, walking in and scavenging the house for coffee. Needless to say, the police finally arrived on word of several burglaries, which is actually the reason why I eventually led him to an actual coffee shop. In case you are wondering, eventually, a rather humble banker confessed to the burglaries, claiming in private to me that he had done so to escape his wifes cooking, his wife having served numerous jail sentences for deliberate and severe food poisoning).

Anyways, after sitting down, and Lewis having repeatedly burned himself attempting to drink the hot coffee (evidently his family was bad with heat), I realized that the two of us had absolutely nothing to talk about. Nothing. And so I calmly said, Im bored. No, replied Lewis. Well this definitive contradiction absolutely startled me, in fact so much so that to show to anyone watching the two of us just how appalling it was, I deliberately took a sip of coffee a spat it out. Thinking this was the custom while drinking coffee, Lewis did the same. But that is of little consequence compared to what hed just said. To be honest, I was even surprised that he knew the word no. After I starred blankly at him for a while, I suppose he decided he better explain what hed said, and so he continued on, No, I dont think you are bored. To be rather frank, I believe it was impossible that you were bored, as the ability to say that you were bored implies some interest in the situation. But I honestly was bored, I replied, still amazed at what was taking place. Why on earth would I say that Im bored when Im actually not? Do you think this is some masterful plan of mine, trying to deceive you into thinking Ive fallen victim to boredom? No, I was bored, without a doubt. I cant even see how the subject is debatable. But supposeis that your friend Wiy over there? Whohimno. Oh well, as I was saying, but suppose you actually were bored, as you so claim.

Would you actually think to proclaim your boredom? Yes I would, as demonstrated by my so called proclamation. Ah, but you werent in fact bored, as if you were, you wouldnt actually think to do it. A truly bored person has nothing to do. However, you did have something to do, that being telling me that you are bored, and before that, considering if you were bored, and afterwards, waiting for my response to your false boredom, hence, it is impossible that you were, as you claimed, bored. As shocked as I was before, I was even more so now. Whether or not Lewis had any sort of merit to what hed just said was completely irrelevant. This rant was the most coherent, intelligent, and controversial thing Lewis ever did. To this day, he has only ever disagreed with me once, and even more stunning is where all of what he said came from. If I havent made it clear yet, Lewis is completely illiterate. Well, with all of that said, the two of us finished up our coffee and left.