OUTRID E

by Sven Salai

2 conntent: 3 childhood (short) 4 good times 5 disturbation 6 chaos 7 morbidity 8 therapy 9 cleaning visions

-CHILDHOOD(short)

Summer 1983, my parents lost a baby girl. My name is not inportant, only ugly memmories are connected to me. This book is based on real consequences. I was born in Croatia in town Osijek. My parents were raised by chatolic principals (their parents were eather butcher, grower, or

housewives). I don't know, it doesn't mather. My childhood was interupted becouse of war on Balcan 1991. Our family and realetives went to Zagorje. Then we heard the missles

flying on our town. Some people were killed. When we came there we saw strangers who made some special cakes and it was raining outside We didn't know where we gonna sleep, but our grandfather show the basement where we gonna meet his cousin and his wife. They said ''No, you are all welcomed in our house'', and gave us a room in where we gonna sleep. It was time beetween autumn and winter. Me and my sister were so exited with ''new'' animals and things that we saw, as tracktors, kombayns, ducks, turkeyes, lot of cats and cows. That were nice times, maybe the best part of my life. Beautiful woods, vineyards, gardens of carrotts, pears, apples Some of us wanted to go home to see how the things are after the misslles atack and bombing. We then celebrated the Christmas eve and our uncle went to the capital town and brought the pine tree which we decorated and layed down on the wheat and straw. We used to go in one wood which is full circle shaped. Our grandparents were worried about us and trying to catch us. We saw many beautifull parts of Zagorje. Sliding with sleigh down to the lake which was frozen in this part of year. One boy come to us and tell lies about our home town that is being attacked by 'chetnici' our enemies. Then we made a snowman with

two fingers up wich means victory. The people that we stayed didn't bother about hygiene, they had lot of cats inside. We didn't have where to bath. My sister and me spend most of the time on painting, watching the old lady making the milk from cow's breasts and watching cartoons. Our mother has just finishing last year on specialisation and that is the all I can remember. Raindrop feel the need of going to bathroom, but no, I had a secret which is stil not be revealed. We packed our things and said goodbye to our reletives. The war was over. Crying like a little kids used to. Why? Why? Why we must leave this beautiful people. Rain drops were falling down on the ground. My sister and I looked at each other and said that we dont want to go. Wheather was, as I can remember, very hygro at the end of winter. The main thing is that the war in our home town is over and people was returning home. That was nearly all of the important things that I can remember. Our childhood was delayed by Serbo-Croatian war. And what we will see when we come home. I don't know. This part is just to begin. Raindrop said that she wanna play with me

-GOOD TIMESBalcanian war ended about nearly 1995. Many wives lost their husbands in actions. Some people deserted but also fight for good. People who have been evacuated, some of them returned home. They were lot of works to do. Repaired their houses, wells, markets and so on My dad went to Neum to work as a medic, but soon he barely returned home. He was devestated by the death of his father, still don't know who killed him with the car. Mother came home also from specialisation and begin to work. That year we went to Starigrad Paklenica and spend great time there. Rainddrop and I had a very loyal relationship. She called me Owl and then I accidently punch her in the nose with the golf club. She said that she never called me Owl again. My uncle was just finishing last year on the university. He became engineer. He was my biggest idol. Once he draw a poster of our favorite cartoon. And put it on the wall, while the bombs were falling on his house. His father is metal worker very religious man. I heard lot of stories from him. My grandmothers made the greatest meals, are real good wives.

Everything was peachy untill we started to go to the school. We loved to watch cartoons and find good characters, to take a good personalities from them. Raindrop and Owl, from now on, that's our aliases in this book. We pretended to be Tom & Jerry, guys from 'A je to!', guys from Chip & Dale. Life was great Next year our dad bought a new car. I was very proud to our family. We used to go to watch the kayak riders, and what we know is a secret. Owl is a big soccer fan, but he had big social problems to attach with friends. When my dad bought soccer uniform I had a lot of imagination about playing a professional soccer. Once I accidently threw a book on my grandfather's head and he wanted to hit me, but my grandmother didn't let him to hit me. I feel sorry for him. He died after falling from bycicle, because he was hit by red car. This book maybe help me to find his killer. That year was sad, but the life goes on. Raindrop and Owl are now in school. There were many new people. Owl's classroom was full (he was younger than raindrop) and Raindrop's theacher wanted to go with my sister and sit with her in class 'E'. But then the principal took me to 'B' class. ''Wow'' I said. My mom said ''If you can put him in the same bench with the boy. I never seen that boy before. He's name is Shane. We looked at each others school tool, and then our theacher came in. Everybody stand up. Hello my name is A.R. She was to kind to me but I didn't always need that overwellming. I wish that

she didn't hit gypsies with triangles. But who cares. But what I remember is when everyody must draw shapped different types. Cube, circle, triangle, pyramid She showed the class that mine was the best. I didn't like it like that. Shane and I didn't sit long together. She had the wise way to separate boys and girls. It was like playing chess to her. But she loved all the kids the same amount. My mom used to say: ''Why you running so quick, be carefull, while crossing the and listen to your theacher and always do your homework.'' In my classroom there were also some good guys: Malcolm, Henry, Erik, Troy and girls Eliza, Kelly, Magdalena One day our theacher wanted me to sit with Eliza. It was great friendship. Once I puked on my classmate's book. It was funny. We used to dance, masquerade, playing how to cook, learning math, how to write and read. Usuall stuff. One time my friend Henry poo his pants. We didn't know who done that. We occused one gypsy for that, but our theacher find out and sent Henry home. Another day Malcolm, Henry, Shane and I were running through the corridor to look at other girls from other classes. We heard the sound of bell and hurried at our classroom, and felt down on the ground. Our theacher punnished us. She said that she will call our parents and they'll found out. But tomorow she said that she'll forgive me and other friends too. It was Valentine's day. Eliza and Kelly send me a letter for that occasion. I think they liked me. I was confused with new

things that I need to learn. Others thought that I'm a gay. I don't know why. Becouse of my look, my hands, my personallity. I send my sister love letter and she did the same to me. Then there was a masquerade. I was dressed as a pirate, Raindrop as a bad girl, Shane was there also. I thought that he will be allways my best friend. Talk about that later. Then there was one guy who was called hermaphrodite and everybody tease him. Once he was so nervous that he looked at other friend test paper and try to copy his math solution. Other day I need to go on the toalet, one guy from other classroom knocked on the door of mine. Then they told that i was the guilty one. My teacher felt sorry for me later. My sister and me used to go to the foot practicing. Then once window felt on her and we all feel sad. I love football. As a kid I was big fan of Croatian football team. My dad joined me to the club in our town. Then everybody looked at me like I didn't belong there. We got tshirts with numbers on rear. They like a vultures took all the good numbers. I got one with bannanas. I didn't bother. I had a great time first day. Other time we wasn't so good. Our coach was to angry 'cuz I never wanted bath with others. My pubic hair started to grow before others. I was so shy so as Shane. We waited to others finish our bath and then he washed himself. I was looking that nobody can come and see us. I had a little problem with my thingy. So, football and school. That were good times.

Next is my birthday party. My sister and I celebrated at the same day 'cuz it's short difference in the same month. Raindrop is one year older than me. So we called our friends to the party. My friend Shane and other guys from school, and girls from my sister's class. We listened some old music from the end of 20th century. There were also Malcolm and Henry. Shane stayed and played on our PC game ''Doom''. The rest of us was playing football outside and the girls watching us. So that was that time. I don't know where is Shane now but I want him to get well. Again in the school. Math problems. We must write test like this : <, >, +, -, and to write for which sign is right. I wrote first two signs wrong like the everybody except Ed & Eliza. So we all needed to stay one class extra to learn more about that. Then there was a music day in our classroom. We were dancing of the sound of triangle, pots and other laic instruments. Enough of that times. This is already boring, right. Other year I went to Shane's birthday. I didn't have time to buy him a present. I brought him console game ''Robocop''. There was boys and girls from other classroom. So we watched the horror movies and some comedy movies. It was all good we ate some bannanas cake and went outside to play football. That's abour all when we were kids. But nobody respect us in the 'hood. Now, this is when we were little bit older. We went to church to be blessed by the holly spirit. There was lies about me

and my friends. They said that we spit on crosses and relligious signs. That wasn't the truth. It's truth that we were lost sheeps in the world of violence and time was so hard to enjoy all of the beauties that the world can give.

It's year 1998. Croatian football team was third on the World Cup. That year was great, but it was near the end of 20th century. My generation kids were so frustrated that they become agressive, easy to addict to nicotine and alchohol. Then there was music. Raindrop and me listened to rock like RHCP*, Eric Clapton, Nirvana, Jimi Hendrix. My friend brought to school other kind of music. That was crossover. He was so opssesed with that group that he took poster of one group and on his schoolbag wrote the name of band. Becouse of music we didn't bother about the school. Once Shane and I fought on the class for fun and one girl said bad things about us. I was looking at the map of Risnjak (part of Croatia), Shane said: ''We will fight after school''. We never fought for real. Later that year. Later that year on pool in our town, there I met Jimmy. He was there with my neighbour Tommy. Everybody jumped at the pool and swim to the girls. But my dad was so old-fashioned man, he didn't let me to stay too long outside. Next weekend we get drunk for the first time. I was too stupid to drink wine. There were Tommy and Jimmy drinkin' some alchohol. Owl came to them and took their

wine and drink that I didnt bother. Shane was looking for cigarettes. Tommy and Jimmy were laughing so hard that the bottle felt down and broke to the pieces. There was also one guy named Kevin. We didn't like the school. At the time brake we used to go behind the school to smoke some cigarettes. It wasn't very nice. Theachers some time came to check who is ''good''. I think that worst children were myself, Shane, Tommy, Jimmy, Jack and Rudy. We used to play partisan game with one or two cigarettes and when the theacher came we pretended to do something else. That class year I was sitting in the same bench with Henry. We didn't like each other. He listen to rap music, but Owl and Shane and rest of class crossover mostly. I was trying to be the worst 'cuz I thought that girls love me and only me. What a 'smeghead'! I was collecting all about that cool band, that I could find, what are they doing and what are their opinions. And then there were t-shirts, cd-s and everything I could imagine. My dad didn't like that kind of music so as my uncle. When I brought the cd ''Follow the leader'' from Osijek. I thought that I bought broken cd. First track gone, second gone First song started at the number 13. My uncle said: ''What a hell, is this some kind of horror metal? I didn't bother, it was my inspiriaton for the rest of the school period. Later, my dad, my uncle and I were trying to find nice christmas tree 'cuz it was Christmas time, then we went to caffe bar ''Studio''. I drunk some coke and talk about school

work. What will be with me. But, wait a minute I didn't have a REAL good friends. They all want to take advantage from me. My dad knew that and I couldn't go outside for some time. Jimmy, Tommy and Shane knew about that my dad is always nervous and they just passed by my flat. So the end of the good time. Just to mention bad things that Owl done. Fight with Shane, throwing potatoes to the football players, broke mom's bycycle, get drunk and puked all around, smoked a lot of cigarettes, gonged the glue with Jack and Rudy, swear a lot in front of theachers, be too stupid with Raindrop, dirt all room with poo One more thing, elder people thought shit about me. Even now when I writing this story. I just ignore them like they do the same to me.

- DISTURBATION It's year 2000. Fireworks all around the town. Children throwing firecrackers, elder drink champagne. Local band played good old songs. Raindrop and Owl were at home celebrating with their parents. We get drunk a little bit, watching tv, looking at the decorated Christmas tree,

dancing and being crazy for a while. That year is also good for most of the people, but i continued to be bad, 'cuz I thought that the girls will love me more. I still loved to watch football, but I didn't go to training, correctly I stop football practicing. My life was turned to music. We were planing to start the school band. I didn't want to be a frontman, just a guitar player. Later I started to go to the guitar lessons in the local theater just to learn basic for simple guitar players. My tutor learnd me basic chords and few songs like Hey Joe and Knocking on the heavens door. There was one kid who wanted to learn so bad that he got blisters on his fingers. That was the year of bad croatian football. Our team didnt qualified to the European championship. They didn't play well, in the offensive so-so, but their defence was terrible. So I turned to music, didn't I mention that before. Nevermind. That year was just important for the begining of 2YK. Another party, another birthday, nothing important. Let go to the 2001. I don't wont involve in 911. After all we live in 'bannana republic''. Don't you try to blame us. That was year of war in Iraq, 'cuz of greedy American polliticians. I didn't care about that. That day I puked on my friends garden. My family went that year on Satnichki. I smoked another cigarette. No, first i opened the box and ordered some juice. My grandfather used to tell us a lot of stories. ''My comming in town was in 1949. My two sisters worked here. I traveled with train and bring milk products and milk. Time was hard

and critical to live. There were shortage of food. When I came to one big town. There was lot of people around me. There were like vultures asked me to give them my milk and cheese. They wanted to forced me to do that. I was young and escaped from that rush. And go to the smaller town. There was little train on that station and I go to my sister to give milk and other products. This is the real truth.'' My grandfather was a soldier on a border. He and his wife helped me when I was sick. And they loved me very much. I liked to stay at their house at the night. My uncle was finishing university and we together played computer games, so that was ok. Uncle had a girlfriend who later married with. Talk about that later. I loved to eat good food from old fashion kitchen. That year I began to getting fat. Grandfather and uncle made a bench for stronger muscules and every morning and before the bed I lift it twenty times. My grandfather and grenny are very religious people. They went to church allmost every day. Uncle and I didn't go so much in the church, but we always prey before the bed time. That year I was finishing 8th grade, Theachers helped me to get all good grades. But for reword I got one old book from the principal. I was so proud and throw it in the air and pick it up in the air. That was the end of going to primary school. That summer my mom and dad didn't go to the vacation. They stayed home becouse we had to move our things in our new house. Raindrop and Owl went to the sea with uncle and

his fionce Deborah. We started to go early in the morning but the trip was too hot that summer. In that place we came about at the time of lunch. We were so exausted that we need some refreshment. My sister and I went to town where was one beautifull fontain and then they came and together we went to the dinner. Other day we went on beautiful beach on the other side of coast. We were worried about the little boy inside our uncle's wife. Also, we went to Krka lake, waterfalls were so beautiful. After ten days we returned home safetly into the new house. There were mom and dad waiting for us with some new things. Inside there were some new trees, bushes, pine trees, crazy tree with seed like bannanas. Everything was bright and exciting. That summer Shane and I split our lives and everybody was looking for own education. I found new friends. Raindrop is a year older than me. And she was going to gymnasium with some people from primary school. This part is becoming more important to readers. Before we split our lives, Owl and Shane smoked some cannabis with tobacco. Our friend roll it good. We didn't feel the thing. It's the first time they said Then we went to the football stadium and there were some girls from other classes. There were also our friend Henry. We got drunk like a pigs and find some chicks to be good with them. I got with one sister's girlfriend. And Shane was with my sister. Raindrop told me 'Can you keep a secret' and I said 'Yes, for shure'. Can't tell

you. My girl was so confused. At the end she said you must be with lot of girls and to be good with all the people, but first to your closest family. I could'nt and thought about that girl. Then there was World Cup in Korea-Japan. That was one of the worst football tournaments in football history. That's about everything that happend to as a teenager. Than I was with one girl. Her name was Mary. That relationship wasn't long. She left me becouse of my drinking problems. My life changed when I came to the highschool. I met great guys and girls. But I followed my friends Malcolm, Henry, Eric and Zack to the electro-class. Everybody were so confused when we came there and saw many new people. In our classroom wasn't any girls. Just the guys. I thought that everything will be ok. It wasn't so easy. Kevin met me with Bear and Mark. They wasn't so much for the school solutions. That was the time of big cannabis marketing. You could buy ''PIZ'' for 50 on almost every corner. That was cool for young idiots that we were than. So we met with our proffessors inside the classroom. I was melow about them, they didn't respect or at least they joked on the students who didn't live there. So, later I came alone in the place called Underground garage there were Mark and Bear. Then I meet Brian who also was from our classroom. He met me with James and Diaz. Mark brought some pot from homegrow. At least I think it was some indica-sativa mix. But he didn't want to share it with me. James and Diaz were very respectfull to me. They

showed me some photographs of beautiful rock chicks. I was already smoked cigarette before. That girls were so sexy that I couldn't concentrate later on the class of Technical Drawing. Mark was so high that he laughed almost the whole hour. When I came from school I called Shane to see what he's doing. He told me to meet at the one place, it's a secret. I came with one girl, let's call her Samantha. We walked from the center of our town to the Texass. Then there was one girl named Hellen. Shane was with Samantha. They were kissing and I was smoking the cigarette and looking at her confused. Hellen said something like ''What's your problem?''. Than she kissed me in front of these two people. This is a bad sentence. Shane later said that our kiss sounded like somebody breakfasted. Back to highschool. Back to highschool I was social unadapted, disturbed kid, maybe 'cuz I drink a lot of alchohol. And my school mates didn't like me very much. At the classes people thought that I'm perverted weirdo who is just looking for troubles. That's maybe 'cuz of the my hormonal changes. I started to grow long hair. Dressing in black, a real emo teenager inside. And pretended to be happy. We planned to make a band of six people. Shane, Owl, Jimmy, Diaz, Brian and James. But we didn't have posibillities to get all the equipment. Enough about that. I heard from Shane that he's already playing in one band. I didn't want to offend that boy. Now, this is the beautiful part of the book. Forget about school. It's boring as

you can imagine. The main reason why I go to school is to learn something. On the time break we used to go smoke some cigarettes and sometimes Mark, Henry and Owl smoked the weed. Not a big deal. Just to relax and for better perception. Proffesors found that suspicious and they belived in everything that grannies on the market said. People for Owl said that he had AIDS, some sexual illness, but the only truth is that he was rebell with no reason. Our house was bit further than center of town where we live before. In my street (I'm new now here) lived Timothy, Frankie and Billy. They called me to show me a tree house, but there they done some nasty things, not to mention that. I took the axe, (it wasn't real) and saw the fear in that boys eyes. Then we get some sort of mafia 'hood. Too much of ''Once upon a time in America'' style. But we were dificult animals and had no limits. Than we meet Albert. He was good old man who had son who is acting like a junkie. He showed us real gun, i don't know what model and only he said: ''Six bullets son, you can't miss.'' Then we were about 15 16 years we done some bad things like stealing apples from the neighbours, bricks from other people, kicking the old rusted cans, drinking beer, smoking pot ennormously, making the fire for no reason. Some secrets must be hidden. My dad was so mad at me. He asked Owl and Frankie to go and clean the mess from the other night. I listened to my dad to be a real good boy. Next thing that Albert said a long with Frankie how

we could make some money. I had a printer, nothing special. And then the Owl do some idiotic things which is already known. Then I was drunk or something when they deicided to print few bills of some amount of money. They took that money to some old lady and bought some ice-cream. She didn't notice that we give her fake money. So that's the bad thing we done. Frankie and Albert took that money and spend it on some stupid junk food or something like that. They were too clumsy to do such a things. So police cought them early. They betrayed Owl to the police, so police arrested him also. The police station. There was to many rooms I saw them than looking at me 'cuz i was always blamed for everything bad. One detective said: ''You have your right as a civilian and have right to have a attorney.'' I said something like: ''It wasn't my fault'' and I felt sad for the rest of the guys. Then they took photographies of me and also my fingerprints to the file. Now i become known for that for the rest of my life. And that's just the first scar of bad things that's going to happen. For the punishment judge said that I must work for the red cross. Then I went to the director of humanitary work in one town near mine. I was satisfied with this job. This punishment was done in two weeks. I met many ill people. One old lady was blind and cutting the grass with bare hands. I almost pushed her when i opened the door. And there I left the food. Inside was a real mess and there were animals all around the bed, floor and

so on. At the end she said: ''Stupid junkie, I'm not a dog''. So that's what Owl deserved. Later Raindrop feel sorry, becouse I wanted to do some nasty things. So again I met with James and Diaz. We had some brotherhood style, we cut ourselfs with glass and made a pact that we'll never betray your own brother. We became blood brothers. That day we smoked some hashish from one guy from Afganistan. Then I met the love of my life. Her name was Ann. We walked through the center of one town and I said to James: ''You must buy some food'' 'cuz we were hungry. Then we went to the local park and it was raining. Ann and me talked about some things. Owl asked her about her grandmother. It was everything under my control. She was wearing brown jacket and black umbrella. Than I sit on one log. Ann asked why we gonna sit here. Becouse rain was falling. I sit first and Owl said. Can you sit near me on my knees. She said yes and then I kissed her very gently. She wanted to kiss me too. I took her by the hand and give her a big hugg. Than we french kissed each other. But, my father called me on my cellphone. I was disapointed, I wanted to be more with that girl. But than James and Diaz saw that something is wrong. Diaz also wanted that girl. But I loved her more. I was waiting for my dad to arrive and took me home. That was the best day of my life. I will remember that girl for the rest of my life. I had lot of dreams about her. She is like rose on the wind, something beautifull that word can't describe. My family will

help me to cure my addition of marijuana. Raindrop was one of two best students in highschool. My grandfather is a good man VKV metal worker. He and my granny helped me about curing my additon. Then my grandfather and I repaired his car. We layed down and do something with metal parts wich were rusted. So I took the brush and black oil to fix that holes. Like a tailor who patch somebody's pants. That summer we also painted the doors, window, wooden parts, planted few apples and plum trees. My grandmother made the best lunches in the world. We always pray before lunch, work, and after daytime. My grandfather told me a story: ''It's 1946. I went to colonisation in Baranja from village Butkovec. The journey was little bit painfull. It lasted two weeks. Because people didn't want us there. We brought cattle and chickens and in Osijek we waited for ferry across the river Drava. We went to the Beli Manastir. Driven by trucks and we went to place called Popovac. We were temporarelly settled in one school. There we stayed one week. Then the houses were splitted to the man and their wifes. We got one big house, but it was dammaged by the grannades. During the World War 2. The house was repaired and we stayed there three years.'' Back to 2002. Owl and grandpa worked together on the roof. We used hamers to strike the nails to the wooden nails. After that we started to watch some stupid tv show on portugeese. That was boring part of my life. Next day we kicked old door, and put the new

one. Than we painted their house in white color. That year wasn't very important. I got new PC game but my computer was taken by the police. Because of the fake money we made. After finished buisness we got little bit drunk. Two months later I found my friends. I bring the packet of weed to Ann's sister Jenna's birthday and there were also James, Diaz and Owl. Then there were also somewhere near my friend Brian. First we went to the river and to the boat. There wasn't too much light. We smoked the joint. It was the good stuff. I could imagine that I jumped from stone to stone on the river. Perception was increased. We imagine that we are some kind of commandos from Vietnam. We were so high that we thought we could blow up that bridge. Than we had our nicknames. I told lies about my family. I heard some strange voices. My friend Joe wrote a book about man in the sea and he helped him. We arrived in central park and then we celebrated our friend's birthday. Than Diaz and me went to behind of kidergarden. Then we set down on the log and talked about Ann and Jenna. I mentioned that Ann could be my girlfriend. Than we tryed to roll one joint, but then the police came. Owl said: ''Shit, they're behind us'' and I tryed to escape. There was whole patrol of the cops. They said: ''Don't move''. First they came to us and we must took off our pants. At the first moment they thought that we're clean. But then one cop had a hand lamp, and they saw our ''piz''. I betrayed my friend Diaz. I said it was his idea. Owl was bad

boy. He wanted to help me. He lied about going to Italy. To be away from friends and so he can be at home to repair myself. I had terrible time in that police station. We were so low that nobody could not describe. I needed the ciggaretes. So as Diaz. I dream about Ann, and we talked about that the whole time. He wanted her also, but isn't the life fair game. Later we were released, and early in the morning my parents came and police let me to go on vacation with them. I don't know about Diaz. He was realeased too and later we went to the court. On the vacation was boring as hell. There are my problems started. I was listening to some stupid music. I saw a tree, a girl and a bird, like they all vawing at me. But then I was about 16. That girl wanted something about me. I wanted to go there to see what's going on. It was just an outride. Now I think that cannabis a dangerous weapon for young kids After we returned from vacation, we went to our uncle's wedding. First we went to the church and we took photographies. At the place of celebration we had a nice time. We were dancing and singing some Croatian music. For few months. I lived with my grandparents. After the wedding was over I moved to my grandpa & granny to make them a company. 2003. in January my uncle got a son and we all were very happy. Ocassionaly, I took care about him. And that's where this chapter begin.

10CHAOS
Year 2003/2004 we were very nervous that day in the school. There was a test from electronic workbench. Not to mention names of proffesors. They were very good and sometimes even let us cheat. Once when we were at the P.E. I accidently chrushed the wooden thing which we needed to be jumped. Than i felt down and everybody tease me. Just felt the pain. After we had class of physics, we were so hign that we couldn't even watch the short movie about aceleration. Rabbit and Owl didn't came on the other classtime. We went to other undergroun garage and smoked one good joint. I think that was some sort of indica mix. We wanted to write our signature on the wall. Then one drunk driver past over Rabbit's leg. Owl laughed that he puked all his lunch on the floor. Rabbit sweard at this drunkie as he clumsy walked to the outdoor. Enough about school. Didn't have nice memories. Once Raindrop & Owl organised the party when our parents went to the barmicva. I took then for the first time some other drug and danced like an maniac. I wanted to show myself in front of the girls. Henry puked in front of my house and lay down, so we took him inside. Frank & Troy took him into the bathroom and took care about him. Later we washed that puke with water from garden hose. They were all scared of me 'cuz I was called

junkie - alchocholic maniac. Owl isn't like that, he was just a boy with good heart. So that was the party at the end of 7th month. My grandpa said one story: ''1969 I went to Germany. To work on the montage of metal parts. We worked and made reservoirs different dimensions, hydrophores, machines & other things. Other three months I went home. 1973. I went to my town on montage of factory for paper. Job was done in tree years. After 1975. we went to Obrovac to make one factory. That was very hard work to done. But we sucseed.'' That year we went to excursion in Prague. We arrived about the time of lunch. Then we were making for our rooms to be settled in. The first night was the best. I got drunk so hard as everybody else. So I broke my photographic machines and everybody laughed at everybody. We colected beer bottles as we can see how much we drunk. That night i wanted to be with one girl. Still thinking about Ann. But she said that she got a boyfriend. I went to the balcony (we were at the 10th floor) Owl was so pissed off that he wanted to jump. My friend Tom from class said: Why, you dont have to do it. You have so many things in your life. If he wasn't there our brother now will be gone. Next day we went to one local brewery and ate some specialities from Prahan meals. Then we drunk local beer, which was mixed with water. But it was also good and healthly. Great lunch. Thanks to proffesors who were there with us. That night I wanted to go out from hotel. So I was

pissed of because all the girls from the other rooms were left. I was sitting down in the hotel garden. But nobody came to me and said me a word or anything. But there were some good girls. They just returned from outside and wanted to took me in my room. It was too late we didn't know that place wery well. There could be some people like bad guys, phedophiles, junkies, a sick perverted maniacs or drug dealers. In the morning there was breakfast, somebody took about drinking and somebody like Owl went to the local kitchen. We ate too much meat, eggs and bacon. Enough about that. It was peacefully year. But I didn't took to much drugs to make myself 'better person'. Then we lived another kind of life. I don't remember that. I used to get high alone. My friends leaved me 'cuz I was to stupid to choose beetween good and bad things in life which is offered. When I was little kid, my dear God saved me from death of electric shock, I put a metal spoon between bars of electrical heater. And somehow that spoon eject from my hand. I will be all my life thankfull to my dear parents who didn't left me in the hard days struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Later I will again find with my friends. Shane, Tommy and Jimmy. Ok, there was a little lies. I know that we went to our friend Rudy. There was also Jack and some girls. I don't know their names. Rudy was so ''cool'' at least we thought. Owl gonged the glue from the bag. Than Rudy found one old record from music group 'Krd'. We were laughing and Jimmy

said that my father will be mad to me if I don't go home. We lived so bad, that we smoked pot every day, sometimes we took few exstasyes and than we played tabble soccer. Now I want to smoke one cigarette and drink some coffee. It will be everything under control. Ok, now let's go back to 2005. In January i got one great pc game 'COD:UO', but Owl didn't stop smoking the weed. He found that one gypsie selling some quality marijuana buds. Again, I don't want to say that marijuana is good, but for sure it can help to cure some serious deseas. So they allways trick me with the lower amounts for bigger price. In the February I was on some server looking for friends to play with. Than I found one guy named 'Djeneral' and other day we deicided to start to play that game little bit seriously. We deicided to start a clan. We called it 'TNT'. We needed more people to play against the others. It was just a funny game. Then on the one map called 'Hurtgen' we found one guy which nick was 'badboy'. My nick was 'L$d'. So we created our sign and collored our names. We used to have a virtual wars against guys from other countries. I made one website that we called Tactical Narcotic Team site. My uncle joined our clan as a 'flaster'. Soon he started to play more with us. Once he cleared the main house on Carentan with thompson. We won that match. But soon there was new kids to replace us. That was stupid. I don't want to grow up. Smoked the weed and played that game. No way that my

brain still function normal. Later we changed our nicknames to guys from tw show 'Band of brothers'. Than we wanted to create some t-shirts to guys from that's never been created. So, that's our clan playing games. Than we started to play cards on the internet. We used everything that could help us to win. Never stoped smoking cannabis. That year was finishing highschool and i was trying to forget all the bad things that happened. One time we went to our sister's birthday. There were all Diaz and James. We rolled the 'big one'. But we didn't make it last. We were stupid junkies. We didn't want to share joints. I saw Henry and Mark that night. They were stoned. But we hurried to the old castle. There was one bridge, there were some girls sitting on the bench. I thought i can fly. I stand up on the bridge at the end. I was so clumsy and high that I thought I can flert with that girls. But hell no, my clumsiness was bigger. I felt down and feel so miserable. My friends was trying to check what is wrong with me. I couldn't walk. They tryed to help me. Later I remembered I drink some wine. I was laying down on the ground by the tree. That's all I could remember. I don't even know how I came home that night. We were stupid then. It's a long story. My grandfather told me one of his stories: ''When I was 20 (1953) I went to the JNA. I was taken driver unit. But without my knowledge they took for border unit. They were called KNOJ. I prepared myself as a regrut in the Serbia for 5 months. After that I went to the border on

Romanian place. I was border soldier, comander of 'karaula'. Learning young soldier. After ten months I was at the end of dutyes and I went home.'' 2005./2006. was a year of our finishing highschool, that year I met one girl named Amber. She was looking for fire. To light the cigarette. I gave her fire, and she said ''Thank you''. Guys from the class & some girls played pikado game. I thought that she'll be my girlfriend. But she said something like she can't. I don't know, maybe I was too high that day. But I saw love in that girls eyes. The day after we drunk some coffee. And smoked some cigarettes. What a perfect day. I went to a toilette. I thought that girl will kissed me. But hell no I smoked weed inside that coffee shop. Than the waiter came and saw what's going on and kicked me in the head. I took him by the neck & the girl started to scream. But nobody wasn't the winner. I must leave that coffee shop 'cuz the waiter told me so. Amber came and told me not to be worried. But she needed to go to her girlfriend's mom. I was rejected. 2006. in May, It was the best day of school for Owl and his friends. We drunk so much alchohol that we didn't know anything what we will do later. After the show we went to one caffe bar and drunk even more beer. I went outside to my uncle's wife, to give me more money for beer. Then she gave me money, I said thanks and went outside. I bought my buddies few beers and we went outside. I felt in the corner of

one building and puked all alchohol. That year I started grow hair again. After I came home and watch one concert on dvd. Then my dad was so mad because I smoked weed in the house. That year my sister brought one nice dog. Summer 2006. I tryed to go on the universety, but I made stupid mistake. Learned in the late night. Till the morning then smoked the weed and run with the dog very fast. I didn't get on the coledge that year. I didn't care. My love to cannabis was strong that I smoked weed every day, mixed my own music and played that stupid game COD2. One day I went to my sister in the center of big town and she told me that we wasn't good to our parents, and also she said that i could sleep in her flat sometimes. Later we went to our friend Zack weekend house that we didn't know where it is. Than we smoked and drunk too many some wich was so warm that we could make some food there. We were in delirium that we thought that we could jump accros the flame. There wasn't much fun. Some guys went on the upper floor of that house. Owl and others went home, and throw bottle of whiskey in the fire

11MORBIDITY Again, here is part in which you will find out what will

happend to Owl and his closest family. We will never stop smoking the weed, I thought. But than, again I was arrested 'cuz I was trying to buy one stash of marijuana. In the police station they asked me about the dealer about. I didn't want to tell them. Than I was released after they kicked me. That year my grandmother get sick from brain tumor. Unfortunatley it was deadly one. She died in 70. year of her life. I couldn't cry for her. My feelings were dead 'cuz then I didn't smoke any weed. We was at the funeral and we didn't want to granny to be burried. Little later my uncle got baby girl. She is so pretty. But soon my granny's sister also died from some from some hard illness. We felt more sadnes for our grandmother. Still do. In the early spring of 2007. I dreamed about my trip to Amsterdam. 2007. was crysis year of marijuana in Croatia. But my uncle and my friends wanted to stop me. I was too stupid and reserved my seat in the plane. That day my uncle came and kicked me under the eye. It was stupid of him, but it was good for me. Than, later I had no weed at all. Started to take some medicine pills which are legal. It didn't matter the breand, just to make me normal again. I thought that that medicine pills are good, but hell no, I had horrible nightmares. I can't even describe it, but I'll try. One day I was going with my dad in the nature, there I thought that somebody follow me and thought that I gonna die. And somebody's waiting me in the ambush.

Other day I was visiting my grandfather, then I thought that somebody's waiting me outside and trying to harm me. Next day I was at home. It was to bad day. I was laying in the bed and trying to find what's wrong. I started to ask myself about my oppinions. My mom was sitting in the chair next to me, but I saw her on the upper floor with some stranger who wanted to hurt me. Other situation. I was dreaming. I thought what will be with me. I was going to be a dog food, and they will take me to the balloon ride and then shot the balloons with arrow and I will be dropped to the Ocean. Then I was thinking how I gonna die. They will make a mayoneese from me in that dream and push me in the toilett. And my grandfather will heard on his toilette something awfull about me. In the last stage of my illness I dreamed about going to football match in coffin, without arms & legs, so as I can see the last football match. It was terrible. Then, there was one horrible dream that my head will become soccer ball and my 'friends' will play soccer with my head.

12THERAPY

Before to begin here's one real story: ''1949. I worked in destilation for two years. 1951. I left the destilation for repairing machines and on the mechanical work of wood. Worked until the 1953. And after that I returned home 1954. I worked with the wooden materials. After four years I went to the factory of machines. After that I went to Germany.'' Back to Owl and his life. After smoking too many cannabis in February 2007. , my parents thought that I need some medicine care. That night ambulance car came to my house and took me in the hospital in Osijek. There I met lot of people. Resons for their hospitality are unknown to me. There were too many people, some of them were junkies, social workers, social unadapted, old ladies with some problems. I didn't know. There I met many fun people. I don't remember their real names. Let's call it somehow. There was my good friend Ian. He was always scared. I told him not to be worried. We used to go in bathroom and smoked some cigarettes. secret. Than in my hospital room, there was six people. One old guy with the mustaches, one alchohol addict, one junkie with the bannanas, one gentelman who loved to read spy novels and one guy who was some weirdo to me. In our neighbour room there were some ladies. My good girlfriend Fine. I liked that girl very much. And she send me a kiss. She was listening same music as I am. There were also some older ladies. I I know many reason of that boy's fear. It's a

don't know their names. Once I ordered the chicken and old lady took it, but we didn't eat it together. One guy told me a story: ''Our young days, we were bathing and hunting wild ducks, We put a pumpkin on our head. We drowned down in the water. They was going to eat our pumpkin seeds. That's how we hunt them and took them home''. Later, back it the hospital, I talked with one doctor. They telled me about my problems and sick things that I've seen. They telled me that some good pills for the bad things about that social illness wich could lead to schizophrenia. I was afraid that I will go to sanitarium, but after few weeks I was released from the hospital. So that was my hospital treatment. I still must find my real iddentity. When I came home I quit smoking marijuana. That was just the begining of my rehabilitation. In summer of 2007. I went to coledge. There I met many cool people I don't want to mention to many of them. But I thought I could find too many cannabis there. I found one group of great guys and girls and then we smoked again. I said. I stopped. I lied. I didn't care about education too much. I don't know what that people guys tought about me. Maybe they thought that becouse of my style I'm not normal. I had a great time there. Used to brought the guitar and play it under the shelter. I quit colledge because of my personal issues at home. That was horrible period of my life. I still want to roll one joint to remember 'good times'. That year

we also went to the vacation at sea. There was fun. I brought our video camera. There I was taking photos of Raindrop and Owl and some landscapes. We were swimming through the sea of great God's friendship. Just a metaphore. It was great there. Thanks to our Lord. After I went to one church. There I met some good people, but that people had 'great hearts'. I met one girl Fran that people in a peace and I found about God's greatness. That was great time there. Still I love and respect that people. And I want God to bless that good souls.

- CLEANING VISIONS Owl took one pill and mixed it with beer. Then he went to the balcony. My parents called the police. When cops arrived I was trying to be cool and jumped in front of them. I broke my right leg. Then one policeman helped me to go inside my house. Than he asked me 'What is your problem?' I said the truth. They took me in the police car. Then I saw my granny like she gonna fall down. There were also my sister and police took me to their station. I spent that night in the jail. In the jail cell i was acting like an maniac. In the morning I went to the court. The whole family was there. I told too many lies to that judge. Judge told me to be calm and good to my family. My leg was in bad shape. I went to rehabilitation to the pool with termal water. I still wanted to

smoke one joint. Now I feel much better, I spent some time on going to fitness and go to soccer with my friends. My dad and myself used to go by one river where we walked and walked until the end of my bad winds.

- ALTERNATIVE ENDING One story from my good grandfather: ''1975. I went to Obrovac to montage of factory Glinice, for alluminum work. Montage was working longer than 18. months. We were working reservoairs, big profiles of 100 cubics. That reservoairs were so powerfull. After the work was done 1977. I left Obrovac and went to Vrbas. That reservoairs for storring the fluids. That montage was from 1978 from 6th moth to 10th month. After work was done, we went to montage to BIH. There we were working the montage for many other thing. That was hard montage and needeed to have VKV class. That year we finshed our job and we returned home on the new job in our town. Then we constructed a hall about 2500 meters squared. That job was finished in the May of 1988. After that we went to the Borovo on the another montage of warehouse. I was very satisfied.''

Owl and Raindrop was very good boy and girl. I smoked too much weed that I created some bad vibrations. Then we were mad about me to do some bad things. I didn't want to say my real name. I went to one place to buy marijuana. Then there were some gypsies and I bought from them. I didn't have enough money. So he took the chainsaw and force me to go inside his car. Then he drive along the road and I was very scared. I think about Owl & Raindrop all the time. That stupid gypsie take me to one place and there was one hole. I thought that I gonna die by the chainsaw. I was very very scared. Gypsie told me to get inside or he'll masacred me. But when I went inside there was a gun with one bullet in chamber. Shit. He closed that hole. That guy had 17 year old. Near Dravograd. He was arrested by the Partisans. He was Croatian soldier. But he had a workman's cap in his pocket. He took off uniform and take workman's clothes and escaped from the certain death. He went to the bridge over river Drava in Maribor. There was one Partisan soldier. He forget to took of his military cap. Passed by the soldier and throw the cap to the river. He went to the railway station and with train to the Zagreb. He walked about two days from Zagreb to home. He was the bravest soldier in the whole company. Rest in peace my good grandpa.