09.08.2012 My First Critical Theory ABC By: Greg Rowland | Categories: Browbeating, Haw-Haw, Poetry http://hilobrow.com/tag/abc-theory/ Back to school!

This coming week, HiLobrow will publish a series written by our friend and contributor Greg Rowland, and illustrated by our friend and contributor Joe Alterio of alphabetical rhymes, for kiddies, about capital-T Theory. Rowland has been threatening to write an ABCs of Theory for years so we told him to put up or shut up. Thankfully, he put up. Here is his introduction.

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Walk into any Kindergarten and you will bear witness to a sand box, a swing, a toy car, a battered dolly, a wet play area and a panoply of reactionary picture books, groaning under the weight of their hegemonic spite. So we must surely take heed of Lenins words when he asked What is to be done? (I strongly dispute recent research that claims Lenin asked this question of a waitress at a St. Petersburg cafe when his Beef Stroganoff included an excess of boiled beetroot slices.) Hence I have constructed a radical counter-blast to the pervasive neo-fascism of the play group. This coming week, comrades, we are launching a seven-day induction into critical theory, thus leaving children equipped to challenge the dehumanising practices of the Kindergarten Konvention. Read these poems to your children. Ensure that your comrades and acquaintances do the same, or if not, denounce them as Fellow Travellers. Above all campaign, by any means necessary, for the print publication of this opus along with a monetary advance that adequately reflects the agonies of my genius in forging these poems of radicalism, hope and complete pointlessness.

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A is for Althusser, and taking and making And walking the dog and birthday cake baking, And how it joined up to big money and power, To the rich and the poor, and the poo and the flower. B is for Benjamin who liked to do thalking Walts own special combo of thinking and walking. He saw magic glow-stuff, the art of the night, So sometimes, in moonshine, he was covered in Light. Cixous, our C, says girls and boys all equal each other And that kisses should land between one and another. But Helene has a warning for all of your brothers: Dont write with your willy, or youll upset your Mothers. Derrida (D) confused lots of folks When once he gave talking a bit of a poke: Words are just silly they dont make much sense, Like a cup thats a lion but is really a fence.

Eagleton (E), King Reader respected, Said stories could lead to things quite unexpected, Like bad bully-thinking that should be rejected And ideas that are nice, but often neglected.

F is Foucault of Knowledge is Power. So remember that phrase when told to Go Shower Cos if you provide some good enough reasons You can stay dirty for up to three seasons.

G is for Gramsci, hes Mr Hegemony, So ruling by guns is only a memory, Replaced by some films, some adverts n ceremony, So all will behave every Tom, Dick and Jeremy. H is for Hegel, made chewy ideas and stretched them like goo, Took one side of a thought and the other side too And boiled them together to make Good Idea Stew, The ideas were delicious, though not always quite true. I, I its too much of mine, A lonely small dinner where only one dines. But I is much better when given a plus So its good-bye to I and hello to Us.

J is for Jameson, says lifes in a loop, A post-modern crisis thats like a bad soup. But if youre not sure what all these words mean Dont worry too much, cos no ones that keen. K is Kristeva, a favorite of mine, Thought girls live in different, but magical, times. So if ever your Mom is cross at your lateness Just say that Kristeva would praise you for greatness.*
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NB: Doesnt work for boys. Sorry.

L for Lacan, a fun-loving half-joker Said words made up people, and not vice versa, And he said you should do whatever you like So go kiss a zebra and call everyone Mike.

M is for Marx, an old guy with a beard Got people with money alarmed and a-feared. Karl said nutty stuff like Rich people should share! But rich folk didnt like it. They all shouted Not Fair!

N is for Nietzsche: smart, funny, good/bad and maybe quite mad, Fred thought up an odd kind of Space-Cosmic-Dad. Thus featured his Preacher, his Big-Sky-Magic-Creature So its hard to get Nietzsche, hes a super-weird teacher. O is for Ono: Peace-Dreaming and Screaming (And chanting with Beatles of similar leanings.) She really liked jokes and wrote Yes on the ceiling, And if youre called Ono thats rather appealing. P is for Propp, saying fables were samey but all slightly bent, So he climbed up a hill to see what they meant, A bit strange for a grown-up, but thats how he went. Good luck to you Vladi, your thoughts pay my rent.

Q is here Qi, a force of good strength, packed full of zing, Much used by Confucius, who wrote down everything, And hid all his Qi in a Special Qi Tin. But Im getting tired, cos my Qis wearing thin. R is for Russell, a nice English chap, I think that he thought that real things are all traps, And his friends were hard numbers, strange sums and mad maps. But I dont really get it, so Im taking a nap. Said is our S, an extremely kind and extraordinary bloke, Said some folks are lucky and others are broke. Its really a matter of where you were born You might smell the roses, or get pricked by the thorn. Theo our T, said TV and cash were mostly to blame For throwing a poo at the Clever-Thought-Brain. I think hes half-right, but whatever kick hes on Adornos not going to watch Nickelodeon.

U is Umberto, likes comics and prose, And wrote a nice book, The Name of the Rose, Which youd think would be Rose, but it wasnt you see, Cos you cant have a story that ends on page three.

V is Virilio, a name hard to rhyme, He has some ideas about thinking and time. He says if The Think-Thoughts all run like a flash The Slow Ones get squashed by some kind of Brain-Dash. Wittgenstein here: all silence and writing Our words are slip-fishy with rather bad lighting. But talk tennis, or curtains, or teddies in herds, Without all these words wed just tweet like the birds. X is for Baudrillard; and yes, Im a liar, But Jean-Pauls not quite sure if the world is real either. A copy of copies, alone and in pairs Enough with the copies, lets leave it right there.

Yang Xiong our Y, wise, old and Chinese, Said rightness and wrongness get mixed in your knees. In English were simple Good Mes and Bad Mes But the thinkers in China liked thoughts they could squeeze. iek the Z, Super-Fast-Special Word-Bee! He can talk to the trees about magic wee-wee And stop people singing Happy Dayz, Super-Glee Cos if you want to feel sad then thats how you should be.