making it count

Spending quality time as a family

by M. Grace Maselli

Time spent togetherwith parents and kids (aunts, uncles, and Spot, the family dog)doesnt have to be a lavish affair to be meaningful. Though sometimes, of course, it is, with a memorable trip to another state or country, for instance. If Charlottesville Woman magazines anecdotal sampling of community residents is any indication, however, some of the most resonant moments for families are spent simplyunfolding right in their own kitchens or backyards. The happiest experiences can be had away from screensTVs, iPads, laptops, and the likewith everyone heading to nearby trails for a bike ride, or into the mountains for a hike. Or to an annual art show or festival, with traditions happily coming back to life each year. In other words, the secret to success may be no secret at all: just be together,
By M. Grace Maselli

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may/june 2012

unwind and have a littleor a lotof fun along the way. We stay at home or in town often, says Donna Farrell, a part-time bookkeeper and a mother of five married to Michael Jabalee, an acupuncturist with his own practice in Charlottesville. The Farrell-Jabalees household includes eldest son Daniel, 16, his 13-year-old sister, Shannon, followed by Elyse, 10, and last but never leastthe twins 8-year-olds Emma and Patrick. I like Charlottesville a lot because theres so much we can do here together as a group, Farrell says of her family of seven, citing local and nearby annual activities that are particular family favorites, including the Virginia Festival of the Book, the Apple Harvest Festival at Carter Mountain Orchard and the Fall Fiber Festival & Montpelier Sheep Dog Trials. When the Farrell-Jabalee clan isnt bowling on an occasional weekend or week of school vacation, the kids are active participants in what Farrell matter-of-factly refers to as house projects. We have a cleaning day when everyone pitches in, says Farrell, meaning everything from doing laundry and sweeping, to grabbing a rake and bagging leavesor even painting the deck on the familys new home just off Rio Road East in Charlottesville. Together the Farrell-Jabalees enjoy hiking and their newfound interest in a classic conveyance, the bicycle. We love to go biking now, Farrell offers of the new house that makes access to the Rivana Trails a lot simpler. My mother bought me a bike, so now we all go! Were gathering our selection of other bikesfrom friends and other families at schoolwere big on hand-me-downs. Sometimes bike rides follow the familys weekly visit to church.

Soccer season is a particularly active time for the entire family. With five kids, our rule is everyone gets to pick one activity to dedicate him or herself to, Farrell explains. Happily, three of the five children chose soccer, followed by Shannons choice of gymnastics lessons with one still undecided vote in the group, Farrell says. We really like to go to soccer games together, adds Farrell. The kids are only going to be young once, she says, referring to a lifestyle choice focused on an integrated family experience. Stefanie Newman and her husband Bill Lapham have a 13year-old son, Asher, who is homeschooled by Newman. The couple both artists who hold Masters of Fine Art degrees from colleges in the Midwestown their own business,

Lapham & Newman, and specialize in art restoration, decorative painting and more. The beauty of their lifestyle is that it affords them flexibility and time to be with each other; particularly because Newmans restoration studio is directly across the street from the familys house in southern Albemarle County. Were together often, just puttering around, says Newman of her familys, and particularly hers and Ashers, typical day. Newman, who was born and raised in Chicago and lived in New York City after college, enjoys living in the country and finds it a good place to raise a child. We live in such a remote area that the book mobile stops at our house, she quips. Nonetheless, Newman and Lapham willingly travel into Char-

lottesville, Washington, D.C., and other distances from home to engage Asher, the son they adopted at 10 months old from Siberia, in what he loves.

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Recently the family bought tickets to a performance in Charlottesville of the play, The Producers. According to Newman, It was fun to see that Asher liked the play and laughed the way I laughed. As he gets older it just gets more and more fun to share these experiences. Not long ago the threesome also went to Washington, D.C., to indulge their young teenager in another of his interestsdesign and architecture. We spent time together at the historic Old Post Office Pavilion, says Newman, a structure originally built in 1899 and located at 1100 Pennsylvania Ave. NW. An attraction complete with a 315-foot clock tower and astonishing 360-degree views of the surrounding area. Its a gorgeous building and Asher was very interested in the design. Sometimes, after the school day is over, Newman will drive Asher to

the familys own home renovation project in Charlottesville, where her son will work with his father for part of an afternoon. Asher will do math at home and then go and help Bill knock down a wall. A budding actor who performs in community theater, Asher has also benefitted not only from Newmans and Laphams involvement as parents, but their skills as artists. Because we have some flexibility in our schedules weve been able to help build theater sets, sometimes in the middle of the day, for some of the plays Ashers been in, Newman offers. Though its not always easy to fit everything into a busy schedule, she admits, I feel very lucky to have the kind of job that helps me balance paid work with homeschooling. Our favorite thing to do together as a family is hike, says Nina Jackson, mother of 15-year-old Kira and

12-year-old Alec. Walking through scenic, mountainous terrain is a family tradition that began when Jacksons kids were still babies, encouraged further by JJ, the familys black Labrador retriever who brings her own particular brand of canine enthusiasm to the outdoor adventures. Jackson, whos from Salzburg, Austria, has been married for 20 years to Giles Jackson, also born and raised abroad in London, England. When we hike there are no distractions. No TV. No video games. You have to talk, says Jackson, a physical therapist in Charlottesville at Pantops Physical Therapy. She is also a seasoned yoga instructor teaching classes at ACAC. One particular hiking experience really stands out for Jackson. The year the family headed to Austrias great outdoors, walking for three days in the European countrys stunningly

beautiful Totes Gebirge, part of the Northern Limestone Alps, with some peaks reaching 8,000 feet. The Jacksons moved from hut to hutor fully equipped mountain stations situated at high elevations, where they ate and slept. The Jacksons, who met decades ago at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, also hit local trailheads, enjoying the time they get to spend together within Virginias borders. Favorite hikes include Sugar Hollow in Crozet and the panoramic views from higher elevations at Old Rag Mountain, part of the Shenandoah National Forest. At Old Rag we saw a rattle snake! Jackson says without a worry to be noted. The family also takes favorably to scrambling around in Northern Virginia: We really enjoy bouldering through rocks in Great Falls, near the Potomac River. The most intense family time, however, can be traced to the time when the couples daughter was only 5 years old and their son, just 2. Thats when the Jacksons traveled through Europe, living for a year in Austria. We were glued together, Jackson says of the experience that was enabled by Giles one-year sabbatical from his work at Shenandoah Universitys School of Business in Winchester, where he is a professor of entrepreneurship. We shipped our car to England and drove from there to France, Spain and Switzerland, then on to Austria where we stayed, Jackson explains. Giles is not German speaking, so we navigated each ordinarymoment together with two young children. To this day my daughter speaks German very well after her year in an Austrian kinder-

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garten class, Jackson says. If you want to have an intense time with your family you have to escape your day-to-day life. The Jacksons have also taken six trips to Truro, part of Massachusetts Cape Cod. Truro is a small, quiet artist community and great place to unwind! Jackson says. When were there we swim and boogie board in the Atlantic. We hike the beautiful dunes and go whale watching. One summer we saw more than 20 whales. It was amazing. Also on this side of the Atlantic Ocean the Jackson family spends time together that is happily centered on food. We eat together a lot. Meal time is huge, especially on the weekends, Jackson says. I do a lot of homemade cooking. And my husband and kids also like to cook. Its a normal way of life for us, though we dont eat together all the time because of the kids activities. Alec, the Jacksons son, is particularly well-suited to things culinary. Alec is super in the kitchen; he loves garlic and he likes to arrange salads, Jackson says, aware of valuable moments that go by. As the kids get older its harder to keep them home, so Giles and I want to do everything we can to be together as a family as often as possible.

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FOCUS Womens Resource Center has been an institution in Charlottesville for 40 years, providing timely, relevant services to women and their families. Our current offerings include microloans to womens businesses; free legal, nancial, career, business, and aging advice and advocacy; and teen programs through Teensight for parenting teens and GEMS for middle school girls at risk of becoming teen parents or developing unhealthy life habits. FOCUS programs are supported in part by the FOCUS Flea, which sells boutique-style clothing at thrift store prices.

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threats to the family

By M. Grace Maselli

Picture this scenario: its morning and mom and dad race off to their jobs after chaperoning the kids to bus stops or school. The lunches were hastily made. Then, after long days at the office and school, the second shift starts and the race to sports practice, tutoring, music lessons and orthodontic appointments is under way. By 6:30 or 7 at night, the family is finally back home, emotionally winded and irritable from the exhaustion of constant maneuverings, and poised for homework and more. The two speeds at which parents familiesmove is either super fast or collapse, often in front of the TV. I hear a lot about this in my practice,

says Tarn Singh, LCSW, a psychotherapist in private practice in Charlottesville. Singh is also the co-owner of the Circle of Security In-Home Program, which provides therapy services for families coping with emotional instability, and whose children are at risk of removal from their homes and placement in residential psychiatric treatment centers. The longer-term and potentially pernicious effects of living at a chronically fast pace, Singh offers, is that a familys sense of interconnection, of cohesion, gets attenuated or weakenedover time. People in the same family can begin to feel like theyre living parallel lives, Singh explains. And while love and affection among family members doesnt disappear, the stressors can inhibit connection. As interesting, Parents are often afraid theyre not giving their kids enough, Singh elaborates, when in fact what they may need most is face-to-face time, to be heard and given opportunities to explain what their days entailed. In other words, just some good old-fashioned time to sit around the kitchen table and talk, or toss a ball in the backyard. These types of interactions supply the backdrop for a deeper experiencelessons in, or transmission of, co-regulation,

Singh says. Or put in lay terms, family interactions designed to teach children how to manage emotions. Parents fatigue influences the decisions they make when they have a chance to do something other than work and chauffeur their kids around, Singh says. Too tired to really connect as a family, kids can end up in front of TVs and video gamesinadequate substitutes for the time and attention that allows stories to unfold about peers, teachers, and feelings that represent the developmental changes children move through as they grow. These days kids know that mom and dad are too tired to process their experiences, Singh says. So kids learn that they need to self-regulate, rather than get the help they require to manage emotions, which theyre not yet equipped to handle on their own. The potential consequence of the over-arching inability to regulate emotions, Singh believes, is the rising incidence of depression and anxiety disordersand the risk of an increasing sense of alienationin our culture. These are the emotional phenomena that have spurred a dramatic increase in medications prescribed for the rise in these illnesses and others. According to Singh, Some of this has to be attributed to whats happening in childhood.

Charlottesville Woman

Soccer Centers of Excellence 2012

Youth Center
Graves Mountain Lodge, Syria, VA June 21-24 Grades 4-7

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Episcopal High School, Alexandria, VA July 15-19 Grades 5-7, 8-12

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For more information & to register, visit www.virginiawomenssoccer.com For questions, please contact Jaime Frias (O) 434.982.5710 (C) 775.313.4050 jef7r@virginia.edu

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