The Twelve Days Of Christmas REVAMPED

By: Jerry Landry

The Twelve Days Of Christmas made its debut in 1780, and in England. In the last 230 years, it has been known as an archaic song belted almost on repeat by carolers from the day after Thanksgiving until the wrapping paper trash pickup after Christmas morning. In America, there are many avenues for archaic verse. Just ask the Catholic and Protestant church community. For those of you that are not familiar with many of the United States goofy traditions, The Twelve Days Of Christmas is a song that comprises twelve cumulative verses in which each includes an additional gift that increases in quantity. And its even more boring than that description. Another goofy tradition in America is the maxing out of the credit card, and the reallocation of massive debt. When it comes to gift-giving, were always two steps ahead when were not being trampled in a Walmart on Black Friday. As you can imagine, any English song from 1780 screams for reform. Hell, a song about gifts that wouldve been released in 2005 would be obsolete too given our demand for the latest in supply. But not only are these gifts from the song outdated, theyre really damn weird too. If you showed up to your girlfriends place with a Partridge in a Pear Tree, shed offer you a Restraining Order and a Straitjacket. A result neither party wants to see play out. It would be pretty cool to somehow coordinate 6 Geese-a-laying on her parents front yard, but then shed probably kick you to the curb and make you clean up all of that goose shit on your way. For those reasons and more, a revision is needed. And thats why many revisions are attempted. But presently none are memorable.

So Ive taken it upon myself as so many have before, and made an attempt to resuscitate a cumulative gift-giving guide thatll hopefully stick. Maybe not for another 230 years, but at least until you get trampled in a Walmart next Black Friday.

A Partridge In A Pear Tree

If you could nd either of these, itd be impressive. Realistically, you wont nd either. But thats okay, she doesnt want a pheasant nesting in a tree that you cant sustain in most climates. Instead, shed be much more pleased with

A Day In A Spa
Yeah, its cliche... but so is getting someone a gift for Christmas. You want to help smooth over the stresses in her life -most of which might be attributable to you? - then put down that savings bond your arthritis-riddled Grandma gave you on your inaugural birthday, and buy her a day of wearing cucumber monocles andlaying prone in a bath robe.

2 Turtle Doves
Doves are still possibly in, but producing a pair of trained doves for a Christmas present seems impossible to accomplish legally. In the case that you dont have an Uncle thats an obscure wildlife capture expert, go with this easy alternative:

2 Round Earrings
Youre a guy, so to her, if you can get something that resembles the popular geometry of a pair of earrings, shell le the sentiment under her its the thought that counts, folder. So remember to go for the round ones.

3 French Hens
Forget the French Hens, we eat processed foods now. Instead, give her

3 Tickets To Drake
A lot of girls are drawn to the witty lyrical prowess and the insightful acronym machine that is the rapper Drake. She can take a couple girlfriends and they can YOLO over and over and over again.

4 Calling Birds

She doesnt need a quartet of song birds, she has an iPhone. Why not get her something that wont tweet more than she does... like

4 Ounces Of Perfume
Make sure you know her preferred winter scent before you go on your search, and then get ready to hand over your wallet to Macys.

5 Golden Rings
Most women (unless Gypsy) dont have a 2:1 nger to golden ring ratio. This is yet another gift that is just as outdated as the eclectic collection of avians throughout this song. Instead, both spruce things up and play it safe with

5 Lotion Tubes
We love their soft skin, and so do they. And when you buy 5, the scent and consistency she wanted all along will probably be in one of those bottles.

6 Geese-a-Laying
Again, birds are soooo imperial England. And theres no need for them when you can use electromagnetism. Instead, get a sixer of something else... Like this:

6 Wines For Dining

Find out-rather, observe- what she enjoys to eat when she goes out for lunch and dinner, and then nd out what the phrase pairing wine with food means. You nd the right wine to get this accomplished, and shell be thinking of you each and every time she pairs a Riesling with her apricot ravioli.

7 Swans-a-Swimming
Enough with the oversized and ugly birds. She didnt want the Partridge, and her dad is gonna perform an anesthetic-free vasectomy on you if you let a half-dozen Geese lay eggs in his yard. So why even consider digging a manmade lake for 7 Swans to go a-swimming in? In lieu of Swans, go with

7 Types Of Chocolate

Although they wont readily admit it, chocolate is the sex currency of women. Its one of the most satisfying things for them outside of getting to view a hunky Puerto Rican pool boy daily. Its another gift that allows you to miss the mark on a few others, as long as a couple end up being right up her palatable alley. When you get the chocolates, youre at least halfway to temporary relationship nirvana. And when she sees the chocolates, shell go on cocoa autopilot and know exactly what to do with them. Just remember to not make any stupid Forrest Gump jokes.

8 Maids-a-Milking
In fantasy, this might be pretty cool. In reality, you probably cant render her an Amish village with the amount of time left before day 8 of Christmas. Drawing on reasonable expectations, give her a DIY project that you can muster with your manpower:

8 Sock Monkeys
Hopefully shes a sock monkey girl, and hopefully she doesnt think that 8 of something she likes is something really creepy. And hopefully shell also be in good spirits when she discovers shes missing 4 pairs of socks.

9 Ladies Dancing
Some girls are into this... but most arent. Instead, go with the ringer:

9 Pounds Of Puppy
Nothing makes a woman melt like the site and touch of a whimpering puppy. Get something hypo-allergenic and non-pitbull, and youll be her hero.

10 Lords-a-Leaping
Cirque de Soleil and a few shows on Broadway are the closest available approximations. But theres something much cheaper, and nearly equivalent:

10 Friends Seasons
Dont be dumb like Joey or wimpy like Ross. Girlfriends from age 18-68 love the syndicated series Friends. Its the female timeless equivalent to Seinfeld. And possibly catnip.

11 Pipers Piping
This is something that might get Youtubed and then uploaded to the Tosh.0 blog. But why invent a verb such as Youtubed? Go with this modern substitute:

11 Lulu Lemons
Yoga pants, running jackets, and space age sports bras. Lulu Lemon provides all of this, and provides it at a premium. You want things to work out? Then get her the things she wants to wear during her workout. And if you want to stick to the 12 days regimen, get 11 unique articles of Lulu Lemon clothing.

12 Drummers Drumming
Andy Bernard did this on The Ofce. But Andy Bernard also refers to himself in the testicular third person. Heres a much better choice:

12 Knives-a-Sharpened
Obviously this is not an ideal gift if you and your signicant other are prone to heated domestic disputes. But if youre not an inammatory and violently dangerous couple, then you cant go wrong with good cutlery. Shell become so attached to this great set of knivery, that shell begin to refer to Cuisinart as Cousin Art. An intimate reminder of how bitchin of a boyfriend youve become.