Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met It had been months

since the last time he saw her. More weeks than he could count on both his hands had passed by, and yet she hadnt left his mind once. Even when she wasnt there, at the head of his thoughts, his memory of her still danced in the back of his mind. As time moved forward, he could almost feel the memories he was holding so dearly to him; the way her touch felt on his skin, the way their two hands fit together, or the way her lips would graze his cheek; slipping almost effortlessly from his grip. And the worst part of it all was that he just let it happen. He let his world shift from his palms. And in a strange, sad, almost pitiful way, he was okay with that. Because he believed that when two people were perfect enough for each other, fate would find a way to fix things. He knew that time passes; its just what it does. He knew that memories fade. That feelings change. People leave. But the heart never forgets.
-----------------

The sun bled through the glass hotel window, its bright rays floating across the room and somehow beating all laws of science by penetrating the bed sheets Liam was curled up under. The unfamiliar burst of light caused him to open his eyes a crack, just enough so that he was barely squinting. It wasnt enough to unblur his vision, but it was enough for him to tell that he wasnt anywhere familiar. He wasnt at his house, in his room. That was for damn sure. He was locked inside a hotel room. In Florida. Or New Jersey. Maybe Pennsylvania. He didnt have the energy to care. Groaning, he rolled onto his stomach, took his pillow in his hands, and thrust it over his head.

Make it go away, he thought. Just take it all away. After five minutes of sighing into a mattress, Liam sat up in bed, running his fingers through his hair. Or what was left of it, anyway. Dont get the buzzcut, they said. Your fans wont like it, they said. Well Liam had thought the new cut was fitting him quite nicely, actually. And besides, it was far easier to deal with. Instead of the twenty minutes it would usually take him to style his hair in the morning, he could just sleep. And thats all he ever did those days. Sleep. Just as he reached over his bed for the television remote, a knock at the door caused him to freeze. Liam? Niall. Careful not to make a sound, Liam retracted his body back into the bed and thrusted the covers back over his head. Two more knocks. Liam I know you dont want to talk but can I come in? Liam held his breath. Silence. He almost threw the covers back from over his head, convinced Niall had given up and walked away. But right when he was about to do it, he heard the sound of the hotel room door creaking open, which caused Liam to grasp onto the covers even tighter. The echoing of Nialls heavy footsteps bounced around the walls of the room. When they stopped, he felt the weight of another human body sit down on the foot of the bed. Liam shut his eyes and let out a sharp, inaudible exhale. If he cant see me, Im not there, he repeated. Come on, mate. Nialls voice sounded desperate. Tired. I know youre awake. If he cant see me, Im not there.

Liam, get up. You havent left this hotel room since we got here. Niall pleaded. Liam could almost imagine his blue eyes looking down, begging. That image alone was enough to get Liam to give in. He hated making people upset. Let alone his best friend. Niall, just leave. He croaked, his voice raspy from days of silence. Sighing heavily, Liam dragged the covers off of himself as flew his hand up to his forehead while his eyes readjusted to the sunlight. Frog in your throat? Liams eyes darted to the foot of the bed, where, surely enough, Niall sat; a comforting smile lighting up his face. Liam cleared his throat and stifled a small smile. Yeah, I suppose. Niall scooted closer to Liams spot on the bed, his hand scratching the back of his neck. You alright to sing tonight? He shrugged. I dont really have a choice, do I? We could always cancel the show if you dont feel-- Were not cancelling the show. Liam interjected. He could almost feel the sensibleness of Daddy Direction creeping back into his system. Absolutely not. There are fans that have been waiting months to come to the concert. And it wouldnt be fair, regardless. To cancel just because I wont get out of bed. The blonde chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. Youre ridiculous sometimes, mate. You really are. What do you mean? I dunno. Niall got up from Liams bed. You feel and look like shit, havent left bed in days, and youre getting up to do a concert. Liam swung his legs over his bed. Wheres the problem? Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Niall jerked his head down. The lads and I have been trying to get you out of this room for days. Or any room, for that matter. Its always the same with you, Liam. We get somewhere, you lock yourself in your room, and then you only get up for shows and interviews. Niall glanced up for a second, his blue eyes filled with genuine concern. And its just pretty ironic that the fans are the ones that got you into this situation, and yet youre acting like theyre the only people here for you. Were all here for you, mate.

Liam rubbed his feet together, shrugging again. The fans arent the ones that got me here, alright? I got myself into this situation. He looked up, his eyes meeting Nialls. And I know you guys are here for me. But I just need to be alone for a while. All of you need to understand that. I need time. For Gods sake, Liam! Niall groaned, raising his voice slightly. The sudden change in mood caused Liam to jump. We do understand that! No, we did understand it. And we gave you time. Its been months, mate. She hasnt called, she hasnt texted, she hasnt shown any attempt to get you back. Shes gone, Liam. And now you need to move the hell on. Liam would have felt a sting after that. He really wouldve. But all he felt was a sickening feeling of hollowness inside him. And it wouldnt go away. Because Niall was right. And no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise, he couldnt deny that what he was saying was the truth. If you came here to try and help, its not working. Frustrated, Niall paced back to the bed and sat himself down next to his friend, putting his face in his hands. Look, he began, his voice much softer and in control. I didnt come all the way over here to start anything. I came to let you know that me and the lads are going for a drink before the show, and I wanted to ask if you could come. Liam sighed, defeated. You already know the answer to that, Niall. His shoulders sagged. But why not? He whined. It could be fun! We could go out, get a little tipsy while you stay sober and stop us from drinking to the point of puking our guts out. Itd be just like old times. A pained expression registered itself on Liams face. Not like old times, Niall. Its not old times without her. Niall felt a part of himself lose hope. Every time he felt like he was making progress with him, Liam would always get looped back to square one. He never made any progress. And that was exactly the reason why he was sitting in his bed, half naked, stubble growing from his cheeks and dark circles coating his eyes, making him look like he hasnt slept in years. Niall moved his hand to Liams right shoulder. Maybe its just best to forget her. But how, he snarled, getting more frustrated by the minute. All I remember how to do is care about her, and shes gone now, Niall. And she doesnt even want to come back.

The minute Niall saw his friends dull brown eyes begin to glass, a rock the size of his fist sank deep into his stomach. Guilt that he was positive hadnt previously existed crept over him, and however many times he tried swallowing it down, it stayed stuck like a lump in his throat, making speaking impossible. Liam? He managed to squeak out, his voice noticeably cracking over the second syllable. Liam didnt even look up. I appreciate you coming, mate. You tried. But Im just unfixable. I used to think the only one that could fix me was her. But I guess now Im going to have to fix myself. Liam, he repeated, this time with more of a sense of urgency. Niall, really. I think its best that you- Liam, weve been hiding something from you. He interjected quickly, not allowing himself to breath until all words of the sentence had been rushed out of his mouth. Liam slowly turned his head towards his heavily breathing Irish friend, an eyebrow arched. Hiding something? Niall swallowed again. Nope. The guilt was still there. Y-yeah. Hiding what? Niall averted his glance. His lips parted slightly as he began to explain, and then he decided that no amount of words could do justice for what he and the rest of the band had decided to do. Ill be right back, Niall told him. Stay here. As Niall scurried out of the room, Liam rose from the bed, arching his back and swinging his arms back in a long stretch. Grabbing a pair of sweats that were hanging lopsided on a chair and putting him on, he tried his best to make sense of what Niall was going off about. Niall wasnt usually one to keep secrets. None of the boys were. Actually, the only secret Liam could ever remember Niall keeping was the one where he had eaten Liams food after he had left the room. And even that one had him feeling guilty for weeks.

And now that he was thinking about it, he had never seen Niall looking so serious either. It just didnt make any sense. Liam wasnt left long to contemplate the possibilities of what the so called secret could possibly be, because within minutes, Niall was back in the room, and envelope clutched tightly in his hands. Whats that? Glancing down at his own hands, Niall crumpled the edges of the envelope slightly. Its a letter. Liams felt his chest began to tighten up. It was a familiar feeling. Something his body always did before breaking down. Whos it for? Niall cleared his throat. You. Whos it from? He asked, in a tone barely louder than a hushed whisper. He didnt even know why he asked. Liam already knew the answer. You cant tell the boys that Im giving you this, okay? Niall looked up from his hands, purposely avoiding Liams previous question. We all agreed that we werent going to let you see it. Harry wanted to burn it, but I said it wasnt right. Whos. It from. Liam asked again, his eyes darkening. He took a few heavy steps towards Niall, his hands balled into fists at his sides. Niall averted his gaze. You know who, Liam. Anger bubbling up through him, Liam marched up to Niall, closing up the small gap between them and snatched the envelope out of his hand. Taken completely by surprise, Niall stumbled backwards a few steps before regaining his balance. Flipping over the envelope, Liam ran his fingers over the front, taking enough time to trace the outline of her familiar bubbly handwriting. A small half smile played at his lips as he flipped the envelope over to the other side, but disappeared almost immediately after seeing a side of the envelope torn open. Niall, who was watching Liam carefully for his reaction, winced before Liam even said anything. You opened the letter? If Niall could have a point in his life where it seemed like he was shrinking, it would be now. We didnt know it was from her! We just wanted to make sure it wasnt from some fan! He defended himself. Or tried, at least.

Thats the biggest load of bullshit Ive ever heard! Liam was shouting at this point, the vain in his neck becoming visible. Liam, Niall cooed in an even voice. Just calm down. People can hear you. Let them hear! What do I care? Liam throw his hands in the air, laughing disbelievingly. Im not a child, Niall. I can open my own mail. And when did the term privacy start being meaningless to you, huh? Actually, when did the term privacy become meaningless for any of you? Liam shook his head. I honestly cant believe it. How long have you had this? Niall was tripping over his words. He didnt want to say anymore. But he couldnt lie to his best friend. He just couldnt do it. A few weeks. Liam let out a disgusted grunt before shoving passed Niall, yanking open the door to his hotel room. Out. We were really just trying to protect you. She hurt you, Liam. And we didnt want to give her the chance to hurt you again. Liam stood by the door, motioning with his hand. Get. The fuck. Out. Niall hesitated for a moment before leaving Liams room; his head hung low as he muttered an inaudible apology. Fuming, Liam slammed the door as soon as Niall was through it, his fingers nimbly twisting the door lock. He raced back to an old armchair that sat by the window and placed the letter flat on his lap, just staring at it until he could feel his heart pulsing at its normal rate. Hands almost shaking, he took the envelope in his hands and pulled out a single piece of paper. Liam unfolded it, and as his eyes began to well up, be began to read. Liam, Yeah, I know what youre thinking. Shes so stupid, she thinks shes so cool, writing a letter instead of calling or dropping a text. Believe me, I dont like this whole letter idea any more than you do, judging by the fact that my handwriting is as close to being illegible as handwriting could possibly be. That and I dont have your cell phone number anymore. I deleted it from my cell phone the first chance I got. I know, it seems stupid. And clich. And melodramatic. But in truth, it wasnt. It really wasnt. Because in my mind, (In Els mind, actually she thought she was helping, and she seemed right at the time. So I just made her happy and followed her advice) deleting your phone number from my list of contacts was the first step of forgetting you.

And let me tell you something, Liam. I wish it were that easy. Whether or not your number is in my address book wouldnt have made a difference to me. Actually, in the long run it might have. So I could have called you to tell you this instead of writing this fucking letter. But regardless, the bottom line is that I couldnt stop thinking about you. Where ever I went, it almost felt like you were right there with me. And maybe I could have shaken it off, and forced myself to make you leave my mind. Truthfully, though, I didnt want to. I missed having you there with me. Because even when you werent with me; when you were on tour, singing to thousands upon millions of people around the world, I knew you were thinking about me. And I knew that youd be mine the second you came back. Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe you still think about me. Maybe youre still thinking about me right now. I bet this time of night youre still up, and I bet youre tired from a long hard week. I bet youre sitting in some chair by a window, looking out at some city; countless amounts of miles away from me. Maybe Im the farthest thing from your mind right now. But I bet sometimes you wonder about me. Liam glanced up from the letter and laughed to himself. There he was, sitting in some chair, looking out some window into some city whose name didnt matter. Its almost like she was there with him. Hah. He wished. And I just wanted to tell you, Liam, that it takes everything in me not to call you. God, its so fucking hard. I wish I could just run to you sometimes, and I hope you know that. And I hope you know that every time I dont, I almost do. The only thing that stops me is the fear of getting rejected again. Because I can imagine and wish all I want, but regardless of what I wish, Ill never be inside your head. And Ill never know what youre thinking of me right now. But since I dont know what youre thinking, I guess I can let you know whats going on with me. Im miserable, Liam. I really am. I know this break up was something that we both agreed on, and it was something that we both knew would benefit us in the long run but all it did was cause me to stay inside my room for days on end, only coming out for food. My roommate was repulsed. And then I found the thing that I needed: motivation. Motivation for myself, motivation for the people that I love, and motivation for my career. Dancing is my life, Liam. You know that. And its something I take seriously. Our lives had gotten to the point of clashing. I had my life, you had yours.

At the time being, I was convinced that there was no room for an us anywhere in that life. But I was wrong. Man, was I wrong. I bet you think that Ive either moved on or that I hate you. Because each time you try to reach out, theres no reply. But I bet it never, ever occurred to you that the only reason why I cant say hello to you is because I cant risk another goodbye. I miss you, Liam. And Im over here hoping you feel the same. Write me. Call me. Text me. Do something.Do something to let me know that what weve had all these years never left. I want to put back our broken pieces. And Im ready when you are. Danielle Peazer xx