LAST DAY A semi-serious play By Derek Foret ED (a nice, timid guy) SAMANTHA (SAM) (energetic and outgoing; everything

ED isnt) PARTY DUDE (PD) and PARTY CHICK (PC) (Theyre a couple.) HER (Shes the one. She is never actually seen or heard, just referenced.) SCENE ONE [12/20/2012 at a high school party, senior year). No one is on stage, faint music is heard in the background. Stage is set with two chairs, a table between them, couch behind the table. Somewhat messy; its a party.] [ED enters SL, looking tired, and quietly makes his way to the closest chair, standing next to it.] ED: Well, Im here. The 20th of December 2012. Last day until the world ends. [tries to feign-excitement] Hooray? [ED looks around. Glances at the time on his phone. (Pause). PD enters, SR, ambling about, and places a red cup on the table in front of ED while crossing the stage. He gives it an odd glance.] PD: Want a drink? ED: Um... [PD leaves. PC enters, SL, dancing wildly, and also puts down a cup while crossing. Another glance.] PC: You sure? You look...morose! ED: Well... [PC leaves. PD and PC then both enter from opposite sides and put down two more cups. When they cross to SR, they dance with each flirtatiously. ED looks at them more closely.] PC and PD: No really, please, on us!

[They look at each other, laugh, and leave. ED takes out his phone, looks at it, puts it back in his pocket. (Pause) Repeat. (Pause) Repeat. He pulls out a piece of paper and pen.] ED: [Writing] Hey. Im sure youve been waiting for me all nightsono thats not it. [Crosses out what he just wrote, pulls out another piece of paper and begins writing again] Come here often? [Beat] God, could I be more clich? [Angrily crosses out what he just wrote.] If I continue down this path Ill be asking her what her sign is... Oh! [With each new thought, he scribbles another note.] It must have been a sign that you asked me here tonight. [Beat, looks at his note.] No, thats horrendous! [Beat] Something playful? [Writes] Are you a tectonic plate on the east coast of Africa? Because I can see Djibouti shakin! [Beat] No, damn it, this is worthless. [Angrily, crumples paper into pocket and puts his head in his hands, in frustration.] SAM: Wow, look at me sulking in a chair. Maybe Im doing this whole party thing wrong. ED: [nervous laughter] Oh, well, haha, sorry. SAM: So arent you going to ask me if I want a drink? ED: Im sorry? SAM: Its only custom; what youre supposed to do. ED: Oh, haha, of course. Sorry. Want a drink? [Picks one up for her] SAM: No thank you. [She promptly sits.] When a lady sits, a man usually follows suit. ED: [under his breath] rightsorry. [Sits] SAM: You sure apologize a lot, dont you? ED: Sorry! SAM: Dude, dont worry about it. Just dont say it if you dont need to. It wears out an astoundingly sacrosanct phrase. ED: Im sorry? SAM: What did I just say? ED: No, I was asking if Im sorry was the [Air-quotes] astoundingly sacrosanct phrase. SAM: Oh, yes it was. Sorry. [Beat]

[Time passes in silence. ED pulls another piece of paper out, jots something down while talking, shakes his head, pockets the note.] ED: Did it hurt when you fell from-- DAMMIT. SAM: Hmm? ED: Oh, nothing. So, uh, I should probably get goin-SAM: [Interrupts him] Wait a second, you look familiar. ED: I get that a lot. Kind of a bland face, I supp-SAM: [Again, interrupting him] No, really. Are you in one of my classes? Math? No. Gov? His-ED: [really fast, breathes in] AP Literature and Composition you sit three seats up and two to the left from me where you seem to spend most of class doing crossword puzzles except on Mondays and Im not really sure why but if Id have to guess itd be because you stay up late doing homework on Sundays because well who doesnt and you dont wake up early enough in the morning, have to take the late bus, and dont have time to get the paper [Breathes out]. SAM: --tory? [She gives him a look. ED is mortified.] [Suddenly, PC and PD pop up from behind the couch.] PD: And that is exactly how one impresses a girl. Bra-fucking-vo! [They applaud.] ED: [Surprised] How long have you guys been back there? PD: Not sure. Hun, how long have you been on your back? PC: Never long with you, sweetie. Refills, anyone? Oh, looks like you guys havent even touched your drinks... [PC and PD refill each others drinks and then pop back down.] SAM: Dont mind them. They come and go. [Long pause.] SAM: Im Samantha, by the way. Sam for short. ED: Edward. But since Twilight, I just go by Ed.

SAM: [Semi-flirtatiously] So, anyway, Ed, back to impressing me-ED: [Stands up] Listen, I should probably get going. I have, uh, work to do. SAM: When theres 10 minutes until the world blows up in a great Mayan-predicted fireball? ED: Well, yeah. [Beat.] I mean, do you want me to stay? Hell, whyd you even come over in the first place? SAM: Fishing for compliments, much? ED: No, seriously. [Beat, ED sits down.] Like you said. Im sure I looked like tons of fun over here. SAM: Well I saw you standing over here, alone, and I thought, wow, a mysterious guy! He looks so interesting, so unique compared to all the other guys I know. I should go talk to him. ED: Seriously? [He lights up.] Wow, someone who finally understan-SAM: No, dumbass. The couple [motions to the back of the couch] told me they had left drinks here. I was just going to go get one. [ED looks dejected.] But hey! I thought you looked cute, and I dont want to spend my last few precious minutes of life with an unattractive person. [ED blushes, she smirks.] But if you want to leave, dont let me stop you. ED: Well, its justthings arent going exactly like how I planned. SAM: How so? ED: Youll think Im crazy. SAM: Well I already think that. But Im still sitting here, arent I? ED: I guess so. [He hesitates.] Can I ask you a question? SAM: Sure. ED: Those crossword puzzles you do. SAM: What about them? ED: Why?

SAM: Why? ED: Yeah. SAM: Why what? ED: Why do you do them? Like I said, you do them every day. SAM: Except Mondays. ED: Except Mondays. SAM: I dont know, I like crossword puzzles? Do I need some greater reason? ED: Well, no, I justthought there may be something more to it. SAM: [Amused] Oh, what, do I need some tragic story about how [Sarcastic/ overdramatic] throughout my childhood I felt abandoned by my father, always busy at work, except every Monday night when he would take time out to do the crossword with me? Except one Monday he married some whore and left me, my mother, and crossword puzzles for good. I now do them every other day out of spite. ED: Oh [Pause] well sorry! [SAM glares at him.] ED: Oh, right, sorry. Damn it! [SAM chuckles.] SAM: Well come on Ed. Not everything needs a reason. It seems like youre one of those guys who thinks too much. Every action doesnt need a perfect back-story. Every word said doesnt need to be perfect. I mean, God, its not like were in a play or anything. ED: Yeah but dont you ever wish that, just for once, things could go the way they do in your head? I feel like the minute I think of something, something meaningful, theres absolutely zero chance of that happening. Ill see a cute girl at school, and think: Hey! Ed! Maybe you can go over there and strike up a conversation? Maybe youll like her! Maybe shell like you! Maybe youll ask her out and shell say, yes and youll have a great time eating dinner or watching a movie or some other mundane task but, hey, itll make you happy! At the end of the night youll feel just a little bit better than normal. SAM: Well, look, Ed, I mean

ED: [growing more intense] But no, of course that cant happen. You walk by her, cute girl at school, and maybe you smile, maybe she even smiles back, or doesnt notice, or is talking to her friends, or something. It doesnt matter what. It just doesnt work out. And this isnt a unique case with girls; it happens with everything. Hey, Ed, maybe today youll finally get around to writing that song youve had in your head for ages. Hey, Ed, maybe today youll stop fretting about that college essay and just hit submit. Hey, Ed, maybe today you wont go to sleep more disappointed with yourself than you were that morning. [Beat] For once I just wish something could go perfectly, just once. Just one fucking time. SAM: Ed... [A look, both are silent. ] [PC and PD enter SR] ED: [unheard] I thought you guys were behind the couch How did you get back there? PC: Just a reminder, five more minutes until were all a fiery crisp. PD: I thought it was supposed to be torrential floods. PC: Meteor hitting earth? PD: Aliens bent on our destruction! PC: The universe collapsing into a single point! PD: Killer bees! PC: Really? Killer bees? That's lame, man. Lame. [Beat] Oh, and Ed. By the way, shes looking for you. And shes extremely hammered. PD: Ripe for the picking, if you know what I mean. [Chuckles] [PD leaves, ED looks confused.] PC: Hes, well, insinuating that she quote-unquote wants the D, if you didnt catch that. But time is running out... [PD leaves.] SAM: [Confused] What are they talking about?

ED: Well wow, look at the time, Sam, its been really great meeting you, but look, its almost midnight. I have anuhdriving curfewno...uh...Mancala tournament? So I think I should get going. [ED gets up and turns to leave.] SAM: Hey! You're going to leave me here? When the world is about to end? [ED turns around, back to SAM. A few pieces of paper fall out of his pockets.] SAM: You need help? ED: [Bending down to scoop them up] No. SAM: What are those, anyway? Ive seen you jotting notes down all night. ED: Like I said, nothing! SAM: Oh, come on, let me see. [SAM runs over and starts reading them.] So I saw you standing there, and... It must have been a sign that you asked me here--, Hey I just saw you, and this is crazy? [ED is embarrassed.] SAM: Ed, what are these? Collection of bad pop lyrics? ED: [Panicking] No! I... Alright, you know how I said you'd think I'm crazy? SAM: Like I said, I already do. ED: Ha, well I guess I am. PD and PC: [Offstage] THREE MINUTES! SAM: Ed. Come on. What is this about? ED: Cant we just forget about this? SAM: Bullshit! Youre the one who thinks everything, from a crossword puzzle to a written note, needs to have something more behind it. ED: Fine, damn it. [talking fast] Ive liked this girl for a long time, alright? I guess Ive always kind of had a thing for her. I mean, shes great. She has a smile that just lights up the room; a laugh that makes me feel better by just hearing it. And not to mention her beautiful hair, enchanting eyes, and kick-ass body

SAM: I get the picture. [Continues to pick up more paper scraps.] ED: Right. Well. While not exactly being in the same social circles, we have gotten into kind of a rhythm over the years, as my house is on her walk home from school. Shell be walking home from school, walk by my house, Ill be on my porch, well nod, or wave, or even say hi. Sit, wait, hi. Sit. Wait. Hi... [Beat, Ed stands quietly, thinking.] It wasnt bad. But last week she came up to me--[Joyous] on my actual porch!--and struck up a conversation. To my surprise, it went really well, and she ended up inviting me to this last day ever party. And I had to ensure that this night went perfectly. So, Ive been writing on scraps of paper the perfect thing to say to her. [PD and PC pop up from behind couch again] PD: Dude. PC: You are crazy, man. ED: Alright, really, when did you guys get behind there? PD: Doesnt matter. Just a friendly reminder that weve got two minutes left now. PC: But this is incredibly interesting. Please, continue. ED: Well, as you can see, I havent really had much success. [PC and PD also start reading the scraps, making fun of Ed.] PD: Being our last day and all... PC: When you walk by my house, it fills me with an incredible joy. PD: Oh, God. Webster dictionary defines? Really man? ED: Alright so sure that isnt the best oneSAM: God damn it, go talk to her! We have like what, a minute left of life? [Offstage, people start counting down from 30.] SAM: I guess I was being optimistic. ED: But what do I say?!?

SAM: Just go say hi, god damn it! She invited you here! God, Im so sick of people like you needing to say the perfect thing. Spending hours just trying to get the correct letters in the correct order to say the correct meanings as if thatll immediately change their lives. Planning out everything so it all goes perfectly. Guess what? It just doesnt matter. Who gives a shit? Just go do something. Whats the point if you dont? I mean youre wasting your final moments here. [The countdown is quickly approaching zero.] ED: Sorry... SAM: Dont say sorry, dumbass! [Beat] Here. [SAM grabs a piece of paper, flips it over. and writes down the word hello.] This is what you say. Now go, youre literally running out of time. PC and PD: Well, weve got to see this. [ED grabs the paper from SAM, and runs off SL. PC and PD quickly run after him but stay on the edge of the stage, peering off. As the countdown approaches zero, SAM stands somewhat frozen, looking off to where ED ran. She then waits. Alone. Noise is heard from offstage, and the counting grows louder. SAM finally turns her head downstage; calm, yet sad. Approaching zero, things slow down. Once the crowd yells ZERO! time freezes. PC and PD stop moving. Then, ED walks back on, and sits down next to Sam.] ED: Well, would you look at that. Guess the Mayans actually got something wrong. SAM: [Somewhat stunned] Oh, hey, I didnt expect to see you again. ED: Yeah, well. Here. [ED hands her hello scrap.] SAM: Why? ED: Well Ill admit it isnt perfect. But it doesnt have to be. SAM: Ed, youve spent the entire night trying to figure out the perfect thing to say, and now youre just going to throw it all away? ED: Actually... [He takes out all the scraps of paper from his pocket, and literally throws them away in the trashcan. lols.] Now come on, we havent even touched these cups all night. Want a-SAM: [fast talking, still looking ahead] I dont do crossword puzzles on Mondays because theyre the easiest. I used to tell myself they werent a challenge, and thus not worth my time. But now I dont know. Maybe I fear that they wont go

perfectlyand if I dont get those right, why should I attempt the others? Or maybe not. Maybe I do just wake up too late to get the paper. ED: --drink? [Beat] ED: See? Told you so. SAM: [Turns] Sorry. [They smile and finally take a drink. Unfreeze PC and PD, they dance offstage.] SAM: So, looks like weve got some more time than we thought. Any plans? Any ideas on what would make it perfect? ED: Havent thought much about it, actually. Lets just wait and see. They turn and smile at each other. [Curtain.]