I WOKE UP THIS MORNING and attempted to do something that Ive tried to do so many times in the past, pray.

Its more often than naught that I feel Gods touch so far away from my flesh, mind, and soul. Not to be disparate, I fully remain vested in my trust in the Lord that He is out there; the better issue to address would probably be where?
I asked my Lord God let me not be troubled by my worldly concerns, let me not pray a prayer of good fortune, for which I am most undeserved. Pastor Mike often says that we should pray not for ourselves or the blessing of ourselves, but to pray in order to see the face of our God.. . to pray to understand that He is more complex than we could ever imagine. I have such a hard time with this. Its so difficult to steer away from the bless me, bless her and bless hims that Im so fondly doing; since it seems that the Christian way is to want to help others in spiritual battle. As I sat there today, sun beating down my neck and the chilly morning air reminding me that it still is yet to be Spring, I couldnt help but think to myself about a neat little trick that I learned a long time ago. I closed my eyes, focused on taking a deep breath, and then opened them. Funny enough, I imagined as if I was being respawned back into my body. As if I had just been reignited and given the Go to get back into my life. I looked down at my lap, extended my arms, stared at my hands as to regain a sense of who I am. After a few moments passed, I looked around and admired where I was. I listened to how quiet things were, how warm the sun was and indulged in the immediate peacefulness that God created just for me. Its in doing this that I was reminded that life really can be this innocuous. Then, my thoughts started flooding back in. Where will I be in 6 months? What if I disappoint my family? How will I become successful? This disruption of thoughts comes all too oftendoubting myself whilst praying in church that I trust in Him. Then more thoughts came Am I not a good Christian? Am I a hypocrite? What can I do to be better? These undulations, while embarrassing to admit, occupy my thoughts frequently. Its interesting enough though that as I resigned to be battered and beaten down; the following verse was tossed into my face with such certainty that it settled any doubts I had about the gospel being the living word.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

16

How quickly and true this message delivered its purpose. On the outside, I felt sick and disgusted about the person of whom I am becoming, disgraced in my failure to produce the things in which I had hoped others to find pride in me. On the inside, I was torn, beaten and bruised by my lack of purpose; not understanding how I have tried to take so large a step, only to travel so little distance. Its these mired thoughts that this verse spoke to me. That I shouldnt lose heart, that I need to understand all of these small battles that Ive lost and will continue losing are all for a greater purpose. No, I wont admit that I know that these purposes are, or that they will be even close to what Ive imagined, but thats the beauty of faith. Its in faith that lifts me up, cleanses my ill-mannered thoughts and forgives my transgression. Its in faith that gives me direction, hope and lust for the future in which God will provide for me. Its in faith that dismantles the steam engine of life for just one second to reclaim the peacefulness for which God has born for me and its in that second that I draw strength to make it through the day, as I hope it does for you, too.

Toan Do April 3, 2012