David Baxter

Bats Living in San Andreas Fault Cause Cancer, New Studies Show Distraught residents of San Andreas fear for their health after scientists from the Southern Cali Labs (So CoLa) release a news press detailing the relationship between sudden cancer outbreaks and bats now known to inhabit caves produced by the San Andreas Fault. Since 2006, 66 confirmed cases of bat cancer, Batemia as coined by Professor Lennie Brahmsworth of So Cola, have plagued locals. San Andreans called a town meeting last week to discuss the matter and to decide where to go from here. We need to go down there and exterminate these heathen creatures! suggests one Timothy Anderson at the meeting. Brahmsworth attempts to pull locals from this idea, It will only compound the problem. The professor explains to angry citizens that the bats contain a stuffing that is akin to asbestos releasing insulation. This particular species of bat pollinates the cacti surrounding the fault, much like their relatives in French Guinea. After a night of plant fertilization, the bats commence in what can only be called a Death Dance, spreading their poison across the night sky. This Animal Arsenic sits, waiting to be inhaled by unsuspecting humans. The pollutant fills their lungs and attacks the oxygen catalysts. This slowly starves the body of oxygen. The dishes composed from guano, bat feces, crafted by the local Girl Scout Troop 8361956, although very popular with residents, contribute to Batemia. Chemicals released when the poop-ware reaches temperatures above 89 degrees Fahrenheit interact with the airborne pollutants to increase the reaction with the body. The cancer can appear within two weeks and prove fatal in only 6. Specialists continue to locate the exact origin of the bats. The most recent studies show that the bats live in a new cavern opened by the movement of tectonic plates. The

David Baxter

bats became trapped as many as 100 years ago in the underground sanctuary. They survived only by eating other bats and small bugs that found their way into their home. While being held captive by Mother Nature, the bats evolved. Exposure to radiation changed their genetic makeup. They obtained the ability to asexually reproduce, produce energy through radiosynthesis, and see in the dark without using sonar. The radiation stands as the primary cause for the cancer causing agent they release. Residents of San Andreas attracted national attention to the problem by starting the March for a Batemia cure. Thirty of the remaining Batemia patients along with 12 supporters began the two-month trek along the San Andreas Fault. Unfortunately they did not consider the fact that Batemia proves fatal in six weeks in usual cases. Only four patients and nine supporters survived the journey. The twenty six patients perished from the disease and the three supporters suffered a tragic fall into the fault. Sadly, five of the surviving supporters contracted Batemia while camping in the open air. But a silver lining is found in everything. A small town in New Mexico donated $200 to continue Batemia research at So CoLa. What comes next for san Andreans? Some locals suggest popping circus tents over neighborhoods to protect them from the pollutants. The sanest thing to do would appear to be to move away from the faulty fault. Some residents already discovered this left town. It seems nature has a way of weeding out stupidity.