Commander Vlad was particularly frustrated at the moment, as he tried to bend his bendy straw.

His bendy straw was a particularly perplexing problem for him, because he was a rhinoceros. It was very difficult task, bending his bendy straw, because he had to find the balance between bending his straw without making it fold over the side of his glass and hindering its functionality as a straw, and smashing the glass with the weight of his arm. To Vlad's luck, just before he was about to give up with his straw predicament, his two best officers relative to the others, that is Doileag and Ivan von Ivonovich busted through the doors of his office. You're finally here, guys, Vlad noted, nudging his glass towards Ivan von Ivonovich. Fix this problem. Problem? Inquired Ivan von Ivonovich. The straw, Ivan. Bend it for me. Clarified Vlad. Ivan picked up the glass, bent the straw with both hands as the glass he just picked up fell to the floor and shattered. Feeling accomplished, Ivan von Ivonovich handed Vlad the bent straw, which he took. For future reference, Began Vlad. Set the glass on the table before you bend the straw with both hands. Oops, Said Ivan von Ivonovich. Doileag finally chimed in. Is that everything you need, commander Vlad? Nope. He paused for a moment as he grieved for yet another lost drink and tried to remember what could possibly more important. Ah, yes. The Teslus has detected fleet of Loquacian broadcasters anchored about thirty klicks deep into the Aero-Issue. I was wondering if you folks had some idea about what to do about that. The Broadcaster, undoubtedly, was the most deadly of Loquacian vessels. It was not, in fact, even intended to be a weapon; just a tool for keeping Loquacian troops entertained and in the know. To Vlad's forces, however, it was lethal. Loquacians were known for their gossiping habits; one broadcaster was enough to render any non-Loquacian craft within a five-klick radius usless, and an entire fleet would be enough to fry any electronic device in the Teslus with the endless exchange of topical jokes and jabbering about who is doing what. The Teslus Spire would become a stoic monolith, completely abandoned and useless for preventing progress on the Loquacian front. Even worse, it would become a topic of smalltalk among Loquacians. I dunno, Suggested Ivan von Ivonovich. We know you don't know, Ivan. Commented Doileag. What about you, Doileag? Vlad said, knowing she had the largest mental capacity for logic among the three of them. Blow them up, I suppose. She said. Of course, everybody at the Teslus was a pyromaniac; it came with the job, and the ability to look out of the window at any time and see dozens of aircraft be incinerated. Brilliant! Exclaimed Vlad. He hopped out of his chair in excitement, shaking the office and almost impaling Ivan von Ivonovich with his horns. We leave immediately! Why are we leaving? Asked Ivan von Ivonovich, who wasn't paying attention and was instead playing with a shard of glass he picked up off of the floor. We are going to blow up the Broadcasters! The commanded the commander. Ivan didn't know what kind of spell a broad was and why anybody would want to cast it, but if he got to make it explode then he was content with that plan. They headed up the Spire, towards the hanger, in a very spacious elevator designed to fit Vlad's family of rhinoceroses. The team arrived and chose the sharpest looking craft in the hanger, the Turboballoon, Dinosoar, a big armored helium balloon with scramjet engines attached via strategic duct tape

placement. It was, however, very fast, and as the squad loaded up and flew away, the Teslus Spire got smaller and smaller very quikly. The Teslus Spire, as the name would suggest, was a very large Tesla Coil, tall and slender, it's peak far above the clouds. The coil would melt, set fire to, or otherwise disable any vessel that got close enough to it. The Teslus Spire, and others like it, where used as forts to hold the Loquacian front. Unfortunately, this meant that the Dinosoar was being zapped visciously as it accelerated away from the Teslus. I smell smoke, Commented Ivan von Ivonovich as the Dinosoar shuddered violently. That would be because you are on fire, Ivan. Explained Vlad. Ivan von Ivonovich looked at his flaming arms. That would explain a lot, He said. So... Said Doileag, climbing down from the helium chamber. The helium cells melted, and all of it's helium is escaping. Simple, Shrugged Vlad. Use Ivan to plug the gap. Good idea, Vlad. I'm on fire anyway, so I'll go do that. Ivan said, climbing up the ladder. Another thing, Added Doileag. We're going the wrong direction, and the nearest town is thirty klicks away. How long until we get out of the Teslus's radius? Around thirty seconds. Hey, there's some molten metal in your hair, Vlad noticed, already distracted. It suits you. Yes, and your ears are being vaporized. Doileag responded. NOOOO, HEEELIIUUUUM, YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF ESCAAAAAPE! Shouted Ivan von Ivonovich from the helium chamber, making sure the conversation did not get too off topic. Vlad cleared his throat. Well then, try to land in that town or something. Later, the Dinosoar was cooling off and Ivan von Ivonovich was adequately irritated. GEEEEEEZ, HEEEEEEEEELIIIIUUUUM, YOUUUU REAAALLLY SMELL BAAAAD, he yelled. Doileag and Vlad where distinctly less irritated, as they cried with laughter at Ivan von Ivonovich's new ridiculously high-pitched voice. IIIII'M TUUUURNING AROUUUUUND, IIIT SMEEELS REEAAALY BAA GUUUYS HEEEEEEEEELP! He said as he tried to turn around, but failed and fell out of the hull of the Dinosoar. Doileag, at that point, had stopped laughing so loudly, but was still chuckling a bit. We should probably get him, eh? Vlad still hadn't stopped laughing, but managed a nod. The Dinosoar, without it's plug, was also falling. Vlad jumped out of the already shattered window, followed by Doileag, who was sensible enough to rope herself to the ship. She caught up with Vlad, who was falling faster, seeing as he was a rhinoceros and had no air control. She tied the rope to Vlad's horn and kicked off of his thick skin. Doileag spotted Ivan von Ivonovich, who was flapping his arms frantically. She noted, amused, that he was still on fire. She caught him around the wrist and maneuvered as best she could back to Vlad. Ivan von Ivonovich immediately clung to the rhinoceros, whimpering. I'm having a bad day, Vlad! He cried. I'm- He choked for a bit. And now I swallowed a bug, too! Meanwhile, Doileag was climbing up the rope and back into the Dinosoar. She quickly scrambled up the ladder to the helium chamber and grabbed the fabric of the helium cell, then jumped back out onto Vlad's back. She held the cell over Ivan von Ivonovich, who was still on fire. The heat filled the cell and made them descend slowly towards the ground. Vlad managed to maneuver himself enough to land in the town below him. The Dinosoar crashed next to them. Before bothering to get

repairs to fly again, they decided to just relax in the middle of the town marketplace. It took them a total of three hours before they could leave Boggleshire, and they decided that they would not even bother with repairs and instead would get a large three-person jet what was coated with rubber. The craft was also significantly faster than the Dinosoar, this time only taking them around two and a half hours to reach the Teslus Spire from Boggleshire, and they suffered no problems, now that the jet was coated with rubber. Miraculously, as it was Ivan von Ivonovich's idea. This was the same man who once said, Hey, lighting's blue, right? Shouldn't that mean it's cold? They now flew deeper and deeper into the Loquacian Aero-Issue. It's name was well deserved, as it was essentially the cause of infinite problems. It consisted of all territory north of the Teslus, and was where the Loquacians perpetually bombarded the Teslus from afar. The Loquacian front lines of the Aero-Issue were always under constant assault by aircraft coming from the Teslus, but Vlad and his officers had already zipped past the front lines. Without even the slightest mention of relationships between celebrities. Guys, the ship is beeping, Informed Ivan von Ivonovich. The ship was, in fact, beeping. That's because it's tired of blocking out all the news about new models of cell phones, Explained Doileag. Radio communications shut down. The ship's computer. Al- a- a- Did you hear about all of the systems being disrupted? Oh no. Said Vlad. Computer, how much information is being broadcast right now? Six point and then Oliver said, I didn't know five, five, five, five, five, - Even though Kristov was the most interesting actor, he petabytes per second Six point five petabytes per second? Mother of god. I'm scared, is my computer going to bite me? Ivan von Ivonovich, of course. You're funny, Ivan. You remind me of this one guy I met once, but he was sorta annoying at times. Like, once actually, nevermind, I'll tell you about it later. But did you guys know the engines are offline? Said the computer, as the engines stalled and died. The ship began falling. Anyway, like I was saying... Everybody eject! Yelled Vlad. Actually, Vlad, I forgot to tell you, the entire ship is offline, except for me! It's actually kinda weird, because I don't like to think of myself as more important than any other system. Speaking about delusions of self importance, have you been on twitter lately? Asked the ship. But everybody, even Ivan von Ivonovich, already had the common sense to eject, so Vlad did, too. Kay, guys, TTYL! Called the computer as it disappeared below the clouds. Planning ahead for once, the team had made sure that the ship had ejector seats that were also smaller, non-electronic aircraft, so they were able to continue moving forward even after the jet was fried. The fleet was now visible among the clouds, and the air was so thick with gossip it even brgan to penetrate the squad's minds. Even Vlad, and he had a particularly thick head. Not literally, however, like Ivan von Ivonovich's head. As they resisted the urge to think about spastic reality TV show stars, they sped towards the gigantic vessels, stoically anchored in the mist. Suddenly, a roar of grinding metal and the Broadcasters themselves began moving forward as well, as if they wanted to ram the intruders. They're moving towards the Teslus, Said Doileag. We have to blow them up now, before thy get close enough to scramble the coil. I heard one of my friends made scrambled eggs on concrete once, Added Ivan von Ivonovich. No way, Said Vlad. But did you see that tracer fire? Tracer fire? asked Doileag, thinking she heard wrong. She realized she didn't, however, when

she saw small bright projectiles headed straight for her. She moved out of the way, in time to catch a glimpse of the fast, stealthy escorts of the fleet. You two split off and try to make them chase you, Said Vlad. Did you see the new chase commercial? I'll tell you about it later. I'll see if I can pick them off your backs. I saw that commercial, Said Doileag. I didn't think it was that great. Vlad, with his grubby rhinoceros hands, tried to take a bomb from the compartment in his chair. With it held in one hand, he chased after the escort chasing Doileag. With trajectory prediction that would make the best athletes jealous, he threw it perfectly onto the escort, blowing it up. Just as Vlad was wondering where the second escort was he saw tracer fire pass over him, one bullet even ricocheted of of his horn. Can you guys get that for me? He shouted, and after much contemplation on what the cutest outfit for a chihuahua was, Ivan von Ivonovich and Doileag managed to cooperate long enough to blow up the last escort as well. Good work, guys. Said Vlad, flopping his ears in accomplishment. Now aim for the tanks on those broadcasters. Speaking of tanks, have any of you ever played world of tanks? I'm not sure if I agree with the critics. Said Ivan von Ivonovich, but proceeded to try and bomb the Broadcasters. Loquacian Broadcasters were always unmanned, as it would be a waste of troops they couldn't avoid the bombs, and they were too massive and slow to easily miss. The fleet consisted only five broadcasters, three of which were taken care of without problem. Then, however, Doileag spoke: So I was thinking about the debates, She said. Actually, just debates in general. I debate with myself, like, all the time, you know. And I was debating about the aerodynamics of these jet-chairs, and I decided that it was silly, so I'll just deactivate my engines. See you guys later. And she dropped out of the sky. Just like real politics, eh Vlad? Ivan von Ivonovich, as he bombed the penultimate Broadcaster. Ivan, you are actually making intelligent statements, Noted Vlad, but then he withdrew that statement when he saw Ivan von Ivonovich follow Doileag in dropping out of the sky. It was, however, an appealing idea, just like that one movie he saw... with that actor... Just after this one last bomb, Vlad thought. I'll deactivate mine, to. Chitchat with my friends some more. I wonder if they know the name of that actor? He swooped down to the fuel tanks, wind in his rhinoceros face. What are the chances this one will hit, anyway? He dropped the bomb, then deactivated his engines, going to catch up with his friends. He began to plummet towards earth, past the clouds, as the sky roared and fiery debris shot out and exploded around him. He regained lucidity the last Broadcaster had exploded. He reactivated his engines and caught air again, his friends soon rejoined him in formation. Vlad felt the need for a one liner. Did you hear about the rhinoceros who blew up the fleet of airships in a flying chair?

THE END