CLINCHPOOPER: Someone who is a complete slob. WISTERPOOPER: A slap along side the head.

THENAN: The palm of the hand. So...If your kid is a CLINCHPOOPER, you should WISTERPOOPER them with your THENAN! LOL! ~~~~~ Funny definitions: ABASH: A high school graduation party. ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. ACCOUNT: A Countess's husband. ACRE: Literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would be four feet by four feet. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again. ARBITRATOR (ar'-bi-tray'-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King. ATHEISM is a non-prophet organization. -- George Carlin AVOIDABLE (uh-voy'-duh-buhl'): What a bullfighter tries to do. BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline. BARIUM: What we do to most people when they die. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. BEAUTY PARLOR: Places where women curl up and dye. BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CANTALOUPE: Gotta get married in a church. CAR SICKNESS: The feeling you get when the car payment is due. CATALOGS: Rails used to build cow fences.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read. CLOTHES DRYER: An appliance designed to eat socks. COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon. COLLEGE: The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. CONTROL (kon'-trol): A short, ugly inmate. COURTESY: The art of yawning with your mouth closed. DERANGE: Where de buffalo roam. DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work. DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage. DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver. Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.\ ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game. EYEDROPPER (i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist. EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes. FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FANCY RESTAURANT: One that serves cold soup on purpose. FATHER: A banker provided by nature. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FLABBERGASTED: Appalled over how much weight you have gained. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. GROCERY LIST:. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. GUM: Adhesive for the hair. HAIR DRESSER: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. HEROES (hee-rhos'): What a guy in a boat does. HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers. HORS D'OEUVRES: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents. MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. MISTY (mis-tee'): How golfers create divots. MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. OYSTER: A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions. PARADOX (par'-u-doks'): Two physicians. PARK: Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. POLYGON: A dead parrot. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PRIMATE (pri'-mate'): Removing your husband from in front of the TV. PRIVATE TUTOR: Someone who doesn't fart in public. PROFESSOR: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep. PSYCHOLOGIST: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. RELIEF (ree-leef'): What trees do in the spring. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife. SCHOOL TEACHER: A disillusioned person who used to think thhe liked children. SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. SUBDUED (sub-dood'): Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VEGETARIAN: Old Indian word for bad hunter. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. VUJA DE: The Feeling You've Never Been Here. WITHDRAWL: To remove money from a bank down south. (Submitted by Pericak.) WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it. ~~~~~ Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -- George Carlin ~~~~~ Medical Definitions Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Artery: The study of paintings. Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan: Searching for kitty. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. Colic: A sheep dog. Coma: A punctuation mark. D & C: Where Washington is. Dilate: To live long. Enema: Not a friend. Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist. Fester: Quicker than someone else. Fibula: A small lie. Genital: Non-Jewish person. G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball. Hangnail: What you hang your coat on. Impotent: Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane. Morbid: A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates: Cheaper than day. Node: Was aware of. Outpatient: A person who has fainted. Pap Smear: A fatherhood test. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative: A letter carrier. Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery. Rectum: Darn near killed him. Secretion: Hiding something. Seizure: Roman emperor. Tablet: A small table. Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. Tumor: More than one. Urine: Opposite of you're out. Varicose: Nearby, close by. Vein: Conceited ~~~~~

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life." From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda." ~~~~~ An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!) George Bush -- rearrange the letters -- He bugs Gore.

Dormitory -- rearrange the letters -- Dirty Room. Evangelist -- rearrange the letters -- Evil's Agent. Desperation -- rearrange the letters -- A Rope Ends It. The Morse Code -- rearrange the letters -- Here Come Dots. Slot Machines -- rearrange the letters -- Cash Lost In 'Em. Animosity -- rearrange the letters -- Is No Amity. Mother-in-law -- rearrange the letters -- Woman Hitler. Snooze Alarms -- rearrange the letters -- Alas! No More Z's. A Decimal Point -- rearrange the letters -- I'm A Dot In Place. Eleven plus two -- rearrange the letters -- Twelve plus one. And for the grand finale: President Clinton of the USA -- can be arranged into -- To Copulate He Finds Interns. ~~~~~ Computer Terms in Maine

Log on - Make the wood stove hotta. Log off - Don't add no more wood. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood. Ram - The thing that split that firewood. Hard drive - Getting home in the winta. Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside. Screen - What to shut during black fly season. Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen. Byte - What the black flies do. Bit - What the black flies did. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season. Chip - Munchies for TV. Microchip - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes. Web - What a spida makes. Web site - What's found in the corners of high ceilings. Cursor - Someone who swears. Search engine - What you do when the caa dies. Home page - Map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods. Upgrade - Steep hill. Server - Waitress. Mail server - Male waitress, damn few in Maine. Sound card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff. Browser - A problem moose in the garden or blueberry patch.

Network - Mending holes in the fishnet. Internet - Complicated fishnet repair method. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network. Online - Good sign there'll be clean clothes this week. Offline - The clothespins let go and the laundry falls to the ground. Submitted by Moody ~~~~~ Redneck Computer Terms!

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick. BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps. CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker. CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers. DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer. FAX - What you lie about to the IRS. HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers. MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live. NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test. ROM - Where the Pope lives. SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch. SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast. SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year. SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear. ~~~~~

"If I ever make it on Wheel of Fortune, I'm sneakin' in my own vowels under my jacket. No way I'm gonna pay $250, especially for a 'U'." ~~~~~ What's another word for "thesaurus?" ~~~~~ How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?!?!

~~~~~ Is there another word for synonym? -- George Carlin ~~~~~ Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? -- George Carlin ~~~~~ Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? -- George Carlin ~~~~~ Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? ~~~~~ Did You Know? "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The longest one-syllable word is "screeched". No word in the English language rhymes with "month". F.Y.I.: The correct spelling is MILLENNIUM. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable." "OK" is the most used word in the world.

~~~~~ Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ~~~~~ The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit). Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. Compliments of CodaZepp ~~~~~ New Words & Terms for the 21st Century

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.