Demetri Martin Quotes

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Demetri Martin Quotes
01Oct06
Slacking off on original material, propagating the hilarity of others instead. Enjoy!
 “I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’
‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna
thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
 “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the
day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”
 “I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather
vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
 “‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after
certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”"I was in a store
and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words
and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”
 “When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
 “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if
someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This
is nice!.’”
 “I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep
going. Bananana … damn.’
 “I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the
woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when
you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.”
 “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
 “I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a
donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake
that I did.”
 “People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which
they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart…
Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
 “Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m
swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked -
we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”
 “Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
 “They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names.
What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”
 “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
 “Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”
 “One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain
words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …
Carburetor!?!? Man…
 “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
 “About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less
nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”
 “I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
 “I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in
all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
 “I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and
http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2006/10/01/demetri-martin-quotes/
bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can’t
you see I’m cold just right here?’”
 “I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had
to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my
choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up
there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s
to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’”
 “I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if
someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’
and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”
 “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are
trees…’ ‘Trust me.’
 “I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in
them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up
one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’”
 “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
 “I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy
Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
 “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like
a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
 “I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my
chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a
group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said
‘JETS?’”
 “An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it
just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the
more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’”
 “My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy
apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on
to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”
 “I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone
with a conditional identity before.”
 “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
 My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat
person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
 On same Daily Show episode, when asked about dangers of MySpace: “On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual
predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey.”
 If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
 It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the
word “Happy”… sarcastic birthday, douchebag.
 “I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and
I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name.
Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.”"
 “I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said,
“It looks like you’re writing a ransom note… need some help? You should curse more.” The paperclip would be all
messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.”
 Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I
wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you
know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like
Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”
 If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
 I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
 I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me “Boss.” “Hey boss, can I help you, boss?” When they call me boss, I go,
“I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give
you severance, and give me the rest.”
 I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, “Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?” And uh, he said,
“Okay” and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because
while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a
number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on.
I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ’cause you’re a genius.
 A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a
conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”
 My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement
over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was
like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”
 I’m excited to be here. I almost didn’t do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I
said, “I’ll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can’t do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can
forget it.” It worked out, it’s cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves. - melbourne
comedy festival
 I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a little while.”
“How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific
that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”
 I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
And I said, “I am.”
 What do you call someone who can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat.
If you like Demetri and have run out of his material to enjoy, methinks you should go forth and sample my selection of the
concentrated comedy of Mitch Hedberg and Jack Handey; they are of comprable hilarity to Demetri but less appreciated due to
their relative obscurity.
Keep adding to this symposium of Demetri’s funnies, for it will mean that I don’t have to comb the universe to update this
entry, nor expend any effort.
Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
 Jack Handey Quotes
 Weekend Bound (Thank God)
 This is Rough
 CES 2009: Joystiq’s interview with Xbox’s Aaron Greenberg
Filed under: Quotes |
Tags: amusement, Comedy, Demetri Martin, Humor, Humour, joy, Mitch Hedberg, Quotes
126 Responses to “Demetri Martin Quotes”
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1. 1 mr skin on October 20, 2006 said:
What ever happened to Steve Martin? When I was growing up, he was one of my favorite actors. Now he seems to be
churning out zillions of movie which don’t do him justice.
2. 2 Bittle on November 22, 2006 said:
This Is The funniest Stuff I’ve read In A Long Time!!!!!!
3. 3 captainpinhead on December 14, 2006 said:
I take full credit for this hilarity, despite not having written it. I picked out the best ones and that’s more than most people
do.
4. 4 tim on December 24, 2006 said:
Geez. That’s like saying I built the Statue of Liberty by writing a book about it. Which I did.
5. 5 Gavin on December 30, 2006 said:
hahaha!! these are some of my favourite quotes.. I love demetri he’s one of my favourite stand-up comedians!
6. 6 Andy on January 2, 2007 said:
I just popped your 2007 cherry on this page.
Demetri is one funny man, I will admit. One of my top comic picks.
7. 7 Stefen on January 10, 2007 said:
This guy is so freaking funny! He is like perfect in his execution and timing of a joke. And he is a guy i would go gay for,
but that is aother matter.
8. 8 alicity on January 15, 2007 said:
so yeah, never thought a guy with a large pad, guitar, and harmonica could make me laugh so much.
you forgot one of my favorites: what do you call someone who can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? fat
9. 9 joe on January 15, 2007 said:
if you like these quotes you should check out zach galifianakis
10. 10 christina on January 15, 2007 said:
LQTM
11. 11 Christine on January 15, 2007 said:
I think Demetri may be filling part of the void that Mitch Hedberg’s death left in my heart……his disconnected style is
similar, yet he adds so much that is original and provides me with endless quotes- you forgot my favorite bit about glitter
being the herpes of craft supplies- its so true!
12. 12 Jarod Kintz on January 15, 2007 said:
I remember when I found out about Mitch Hedberg about a year ago. Even though he had already died, I was excited to
find some new great material to enjoy. And then randomly catching demitri on Comedy Central last night, I really felt
that he was a guy who really had a similar fresh otlook and perspective. I do’t really like quantifying anybody, but I’d
have to say that Demitri is as great as Mitch was, and Mitch has become one of my favorite comedians of all time. I really
enjoyed these quotes that you posted. Good job collecting them all in one place. I’ve bookmarked your site in my
favorites, so that I can randomly come back and enjoy a good laugh.
~Jarod
13. 13 Susan on January 16, 2007 said:
HAHAHA Demetri Martin is VERY VERY VERY FUNNY
I love his delivery
so these jokes aren’t as funny to read them
“Hiking is walking where its okay to pee”
–> something along those lines
On comedy central.com, my favorite joke is the one about the charging ice!
LQTM
14. 14 Samantha on January 17, 2007 said:
Thanks for posting all these funny Demetri jokes.. they go by so fast, I don’t get to jot them down!
15. 15 Creston on January 17, 2007 said:
Demetri is definetly one of the funniest comics around. I also think it’s so great that we are reminded of the late, great
Mitch Hedberg. He’s All Time.
16. 16 Casper on January 18, 2007 said:
this is good stuff
17. 17 SeductiveTreason on January 22, 2007 said:
I recently saw Demetri Martin on comedy central, and i’m so glad I had a bad case of insomnia other wise I would have
missed out on such a fantastic comedian. My best regards to the creator of this site as well.
18. 18 Stephannie on January 28, 2007 said:
He is so clever, so damn witty… it’s sexy. I really love that guy. He’s my hero.
19. 19 Eli on January 29, 2007 said:
According to Dmetri (favorite comedian), another bad time to have a heart attack is when you’re playing “Fake Heart
Attack” followed by “Naps”
20. 20 Tim Pigeon on January 31, 2007 said:
If there was anything cut from this i want to see it….this guy is awesome!!!
21. 21 Suzanne on February 7, 2007 said:
demetri martin is funnier than dane cook by far.
“a dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay”
itll always be my favorite
22. 22 kizzle on February 14, 2007 said:
I was curious about something. Can someone email me and explain to me what the following Demetri Martin quote
means? “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d just yell out letters.” I just don’t understand it. If anyone knows,
please email me.
23. 23 Jake on February 14, 2007 said:
Have you ever played the game hangman? At one point in the game, its just a head with a body, but no limbs, and the
player yells out letters to try to guess what the answer to a question or clue is.
24. 24 susangpyp on February 17, 2007 said:
I didn’t think about the Demetri/Mitch Hedberg connection until I read Christine’s comment. I LOVED Mitch and I love
Demetri. Both make me gasp for air.
I do both of them in my head in the supermarket. (I would say to the turkeys, just be who you are little brother) (Grapes:
the fruit of hope).
25. 25 Collin on February 19, 2007 said:
You forgot the one where he Demetri says “I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN
number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.”
LQTM
-Major
26. 26 Kevin on March 5, 2007 said:
Here are a few more:
“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies”
“I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed”
27. 27 simv on March 22, 2007 said:
My favourite isn’t listed here so I thought I would add it.
I love the living room. It’s very encouraging…
I feel so alive when I’m in here.
“what you doing in there man?”
“i’m LIVING dude! why don’t you try it some time… stop dining”
Demetri’s delivery is brilliant. You can hear it on the “These are Jokes” CD on the track titled “Remix”. One of the
funniest tracks on the album is “The Personal Information Waltz” featuring the very funny Will Forte.
28. 28 Jared on April 4, 2007 said:
Demetri Martin is definately my favorite comedian of all time, he rules!
29. 29 Liam on April 7, 2007 said:
Demetri Martin is easily my favourite comedian. His random one-liners all just ooze hilarity. He inspires me!
30. 30 qxsuu on April 9, 2007 said:
Good site!!!
31. 31 Emmy on May 14, 2007 said:
Plus he’s cute.
Haha, sorry, just had to add that in, feel free to call me a teeniebopper.
32. 32 Parker on May 14, 2007 said:
don’t worry emmy, i think he’s extremely cute, too.
i’m starting to like him more then dane, i must say.
no one mentioned the carrot joke…hopefully i just browsed over it.
“i think they named oranges before they named carrots.
‘what are these?’
‘those are oranges.’
‘what are these?’
‘oh shit.’
‘long pointies?’”
33. 33 Emmy on May 15, 2007 said:
Yay.
I was wetting myself laughing when he was talking about Hot Potato.
“Hot Potato would be a much more different game if the people playing it were starving. Then it could be called ‘My
Potato’. Burning fingers don’t matter”
That was from Demetri Martin, Person, I’m sure.
He is very much like a mini-Mitch Hedberg…may he rest in peice.
Damn that I before E. I would change it but my backspace button is broken.
34. 34 Emmy on May 19, 2007 said:
I thought of another one of his I love, and I’m not sure if it’s up there.
“I’ve met plenty of Chocoholics but I aint never seen no Chocohal”
35. 35 taji tuesdy on May 22, 2007 said:
even in reading, he makes my face hurt from laughter.
rock on.
36. 36 CA on June 4, 2007 said:
(In response to Emmy) May he rest in PEACE. A working spacebar would not have fixed your problem.
All hail Demetri!
37. 37 kyle on June 29, 2007 said:
men these stuff is soooo cool here’s some funny stuff in there >>> ‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s
just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love
you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
38. 38 heybuddies13 on July 12, 2007 said:
yeah i downloaded 2 of his stand ups for my ipod.
39. 39 bgal on July 26, 2007 said:
He’s so hilarious. He reminds me of Mitch Hedberg.
40. 40 aisia on August 2, 2007 said:
Thanks for the heads up on Mitch Hedberg, I put a collection of the best of his quotes up on this blog too so if you like
Demetri check it out.
41. 41 Justin on August 3, 2007 said:
This quotes list wont be complete without:
“I like the game rock paper scissors but 2/3rds. Like Rock beats Scissors. Oh man, these scissors are all bent I cant cut
with them, you win. Or Scissors beats Paper. This paper is cut into strips it’s useless I cant write on it, you win. Then,
Paper beats Rock….Rock is fine! There is no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper whenever it wants.
Paper sucks. It should be Rock, Explosives with a cuttable wick, Scissors.”
“I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said Guess.”
“If you want to make your own mythical creature all you have to do is add wings. A horse becomes a pegasis. A lion
becomes a griffin. And a hawk becomes…….a double hawk (I’m awkward)”
42. 42 tanny rimbo on August 6, 2007 said:
i love demetri martin. i hope he manages his career right and lands a movie deal. it would be such a shame to see him
stuck in the pit of obscurity for the rest of his life.
43. 43 blaine on August 8, 2007 said:
if you cant tell the difference between a spoon and a ledel, then you’re fat.
44. 44 Hoady on August 13, 2007 said:
This is my favorite Demetri Martin gag:
Cottonwool balls is an example of something I would buy, but not like have as a nickname.
Cinnamon buns, on the otherhand, is something I would buy AND like to have as a nickname.
People would be like, “are you Cinnamon Buns?”, and I would be like, “you bet your sweet ass!”
45. 45 REUBS on August 19, 2007 said:
funniest shit iv come across in ages the man is a comic genius, theres just something about awkward dorky guys and
humour
46. 46 Megan E.L. on August 21, 2007 said:
Ok so I’m IN LOVE with Demetri Martin! I love his smart humor! heres some more funny quotes:
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
“I got some new pajamas with pockets in ‘em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I
slept. But now I’m like, ‘Where’s my planner? There it is. “Keep sleeping.” All right, perfect.’ ”
“I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like
to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”
“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a
little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’”
47. 47 Emmy on September 18, 2007 said:
Well.
Dizamn.
No need to fuck me over.
48. 48 Lauren on October 3, 2007 said:
What’s the difference between a childrens toy and an adult toy? Location, location, location.
49. 49 Bob on October 3, 2007 said:
“Once my mom and I were driving to see one of her friends. She described him to me as a cat person. Once we got there,
I was like ‘wait a minute’, he doesn’t look like a cat at all. But then later someone asked, ‘hey why doesn’t Steve ever go
in the pool’, but then I was like oh yeah, he’s a cat person.”
50. 50 Bob on October 3, 2007 said:
“How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.”
51. 51 sinagua on October 5, 2007 said:
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time….
52. 52 McStewpants on October 15, 2007 said:
This is amazing. I am a HUGE Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Wright fan and I had never heard of Demetri until about 2
hours ago. I was in line for the Mitch show in maryland when they told us the show was cancelled, due to Mitch’s death.
Heartbreak. I am in Iraq right now, and this just made my day. Genius. You guys were right. He is like the resurrected
Mitch. You guys should check out some Jack Handey quotes, too. Amazing. I think I pooped a little while reading these.
Embarrassing, I know. Don’t judge me.
53. 53 ♥ h@+3_m3 ♥ on October 23, 2007 said:
these are hilarious…really!
54. 54 anonymous on October 26, 2007 said:
demetri martin is definitely one of the funniest people on the planet. and i absolutely love how his jokes are supersuper
funny, but clean at the same time; any middle schooler can make a dirty joke but it takes talent to do what this kid does.
plus, he’s pretty darn cute oh, has anyone heard about his book of drawings? i dont think he published it yet, but he
most definitely should - i’ll be the first customer haha.
55. 55 Dan on November 20, 2007 said:
my favorite quote is when he is like i think they named oranges before they named carrots. what are these? they’re
orange, oranges.What are these?oh shit, long pointies?
56. 56 T-Bone on December 11, 2007 said:
my all time favorite one is:
Pillow Fights
Man Vs Woman=Fun
Man Vs Man=Gay
Woman Vs Woman= Awesome
MAn Vs Pillow= Crazy
Pillow Vs Pillow=Crazy Awesome
game set match=tennis
set match run= arson
57. 57 Elle on December 20, 2007 said:
OMG!
he is just so freaking funny!
i just don’t get the one about the amputee
one of my favs is
”this summer i learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool”
when i hear this joke i almost pee myself!
58. 58 Juan Mejias on December 25, 2007 said:
Recent Graduate from Drunk driving School
Gold Medal winner at Drug Addicts Olimpic events: Launching of the syringe, Prison fence Jump with pole, Silver
medalist
at Boxing on Valium, Bronze on Three.eight gram relay and escape, Eventual finalist on the 12 mile marathon on heroin
and oxycontin. Later disqualified for testing negative.
Inventions:
1. Nail filled toilet seat for Fakirs and Hindu priests
2 Condom Recycling Machine
3. Slightly twisted Drunk Driving Lanes
4. Regular and Extra Crispy Electric Chairs.
5. Sex Change Drive thru franchise
6. Secret recipe for used condom soup
Wicked Plans:
1. Arresting a policeman for driving while sober (DWS)
give him test. Take him to drunk judge who gives him
life in prison.
2. While still imprisoned,give sleeping pills, perform
involuntary sex change op. have him wake up as a sex slave
in Thai. Bordello.
3. Use bird whistle to trick blind people into crossing
busy avenues.
4. Acquire small skinny mutts from dog pound, get poodle
hair from parlor, glue onto canine and sell as is.
5. Become a pimp for midget hookers, pay them 50% wages
under the table.
6. Have siamese, albino, transvestite, midget variety
show, pay them 25%.
7. Send multiple medical bills to schizofrenic patients.
8. Send multiple ID cards to amnesia patients.
9. Tell an Alzheimer joke and forget to say the punch
line.
10. Send fifty foot chinese bottle rocket to mars with
skeleton of chinese man attached to it and wait for the
first explorers to get there. Outer space Candid camera.
59. 59 phantom on December 27, 2007 said:
chocolate bunnies > candy made out of bunnies
60. 60 phantom on December 27, 2007 said:
There is an old saying, “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” That is just bad behavior. It should be, “no stone
throwing regardless of housing situation.” Unless you were trapped in a glass house, then by all means, if you have a
stone, use it. So really its, “only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped inside.”
61. 61 Shuttayouface on December 31, 2007 said:
“If someone asks ‘Are you ticklish’, it dosen’t matter what you say, they are going to tickle you. If you don’t want to be
tickled, you gotta say something like.’ I have diareha….now don’t touch me, or your gonna make it come out…..and yes,
I’m very ticklish .”- Dimitri Martin
62. 62 natalie on January 9, 2008 said:
ive been listening to demetri martin for years now hes absolutley my favorite comedian of all time. i think hes much
wittier that dane, dane is hilarious also but demetri is an absolute genius, nothing compares to his drawing pads or when
he plays his instruments as he performs. hes great…AMAZING!!! everyone should know this man
63. 63 your mother on January 9, 2008 said:
OMG. Like, I would totally have sex with Demetri. He’s so funny. I love a man with a sense of humor, especially wihen
they’re witty. The best joke is…”I got a haircut for the show, so I went in and said, i’d like a haircut please. But it
must’ve come out, ‘Gay Beatle Please.’”
64. 64 Fynn on January 18, 2008 said:
I just heared about this guy for the first time…I can’t stop laughing…
But this one is missing on this page:
“I am afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation. If I saw a shark on the street, I’d be like ‘what? Fuck you!’ It’s funny,
that’s like the opposite of how I am with lions!”
65. 65 Wa on January 18, 2008 said:
Kizzle — in refrence to your question: I was curious about something. Can someone email me and explain to me what the
following Demetri Martin quote means? “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d just yell out letters.” I just don’t
understand it. If anyone knows, please email me.
Think of the game “Hangman”, and then you’ll get the joke!
66. 66 Ava on January 18, 2008 said:
u wanna fight me? thats right right i can take u! BAM! ur dead i win
by the way thats not a quote that came staight from Moi!
u know u love me
thats right im gossip girl
67. 67 dustin on January 18, 2008 said:
I remember when I was really into nostalgia… it was great
Finger puppet is only cool as a noun.
68. 68 dustin on January 18, 2008 said:
this guy kicks my ass!
Stephen Wright, Mitch Hedberg, Jack Handy and Dimitri Martin carve those on a mountain.
Jack would be hard probably because he’s fictional
69. 69 mr body massage on January 19, 2008 said:
” I’m in a weird situation because i like rainbows.. but I’m not gay. So, i wear a rainbow on my shirt - but then under it, it
says “not gay ” .. but I’m not against gay people, so under that i have to put “but supportive.” I just think its weird that
one group took refracted light. That’s preeetty greedy gays. ”
great comedian
70. 70 Y on January 19, 2008 said:
Thanks for posting these; I love Demetri Martin.
71. 71 Dana T. on January 23, 2008 said:
i absolutely loved mitch hedberg. i can watch his stand up over & over and crack up everytime as if it is the first time i am
hearing the jokes. a comedienne friend of mine told me that if i was into mitch, that i would probably dig demetri martin.
at the time i had no sound on my computer, so it was no help to look for his clips since i couldn’t hear them! anyhow……
a few wks ago i caught his show on comedy central, and boy was i impressed. he does have a similar to field to our old
friend mitch, yet he is completely unique with all the different aspect he brings to the table. i love his imagination! he is
so creative.
72. 72 Dana T. on January 23, 2008 said:
i absolutely loved mitch hedberg. i can watch his stand up over & over and crack up everytime as if it is the first time i am
hearing the jokes. a comedienne friend of mine told me that if i was into mitch, that i would probably dig demetri martin.
at the time i had no sound on my computer, so it was no help to look for his clips since i couldn’t hear them! anyhow……
a few wks ago i caught his show on comedy central, and boy was i impressed. he does have a similar to feel to our old
friend mitch, yet he is completely unique with all the different aspect he brings to the table. i love his imagination! he is
so creative. kudos to demetri!
73. 73 Y on January 26, 2008 said:
Here are a few more. The first one has additional stuff to the one you posted.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Puh chuck; look at us. We were so
young. Standing right there. Wow, where does the minute go?
I like to do crafts. I work quite a bit with glitter, but don’t worry I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing
about glitter is if you get it on you, prepare to have it on you forever because glitter doesn’t go away. Glitter is the herpes
of craft supplies. It’s like, oh great here comes the sun; flare up!
The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye
contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on
the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury. The ice is even worse. When there’s liquid in there yeah it’s
fine; it’s like a pool party. “Hey we’re keeping everything cool.” I’m talking about when I get to the bottom and it’s just
me and the ice. I’m like, ok just one of you. Come on I just want something to chew on; come on. And the ice is like,
“Hold…hold…everybody now!”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought That sounds like a fair trade, especially if they’re crappy kids.
I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? “Man.” “See front.” I
think they’re just really redundant. “Thank you” and you open it “Thank you.” Tell me something I don’t know, ya know.
“Thank you; I fear dolphins.” This guy is grateful and interesting. And dolphins can be aggressive swimmers. You can
say thanks and you can say thanks a million, but any number in between uh uh.
“Hey man thanks 256.”
“What?”
“Yeah you gave me a ride that’s not worth a million. You know what 255 for questioning me. Keep it up stupid; we’re
headed for thanks 0 and that’s no thanks. “
74. 74 jonny on January 29, 2008 said:
this is for the very first post about steve martin. FUCK YOU!!! THIS IS ABOUT DEMETRI NOT STEVE!!! GOSH!!!
75. 75 Me on March 2, 2008 said:
omg i love demetri sooooo much. this is a GREAT website!
76. 76 anonymoussss =D on March 8, 2008 said:
Demetri Martin is amazing =)
i will marry him.
that is a promise.
77. 77 woooo on March 13, 2008 said:
my friend just told me about demetri martin yesterday. he is so awsome! my favorite joke is about the ice.
when theres liquid in there yeah its fine; its like a pool party. “hey we’re keeping everyone cool.” im talking about when
you get to the bottom and its just me and the ice. im like ok just one of you. come one now i just want something to chew
on; come on. and the ice is like hold brother hold…strike.
lqtm hes so funny
78. 78 That kid on April 4, 2008 said:
you forgot one,
“If i ever have to go up, in a building, i choose the elevator over the escalator, because one time i was riding the escalator
and i tripped, i fell down the stairs……..for an hour and a half.” DEMETRI MARTIN!!!
79. 79 Sherrie on April 9, 2008 said:
I can’t even begin to describe how awesome this guy is!
It’s almost like listening to a little kid (Except he’s way more coherent), his jokes are so simple and obvious… I think it
has a lot to do with his timing and facial expressions. When ever he gets through one of his jokes, he has this adorable
wide-eyed stare painted on his face; One that slowly curves into a little smile. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me…But he’s
always kind of reminded me of a little kid because of that.
It’s good to hear these goofy one-liners every now and again. Sometimes I get sick of the pop cultural, political and
sexual based humor. His style and jokes are somewhat innocent, always irrelevant, and completely refreshing.
My favorite 2 jokes of his has always been
“If you don’t know the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re probably really fat”
and
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are
trees…’ ‘Trust me.’
I agree with everyone on here: He definitely reminds me of Mitch Hedberg (A very good thing). I love them both.
Unlike a lot of people here, though, I hate Dane Cook. I think that Demetri could beat him any day of the week. Demetri
is clever and witty: He relies on the substance of his joke, as well as careful comedic timing. Dane Cook is under the
impression that IF HE SAYS HIS JOKES REALLY LOUD, AND MAKES A BUNCH OF STUPID FACIAL
EXPERESSIONS, IT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES HIM FUNNY LOL. Not to mention that Dane stole a bit from
Demetri once.
Not only is Demetri original, charming, and hersterically funny, he’s also cute as all living hell. ^_^
I hope to see more of him in the futrure.
80. 80 Sherrie on April 9, 2008 said:
I just want to apologise for all my grammatical mistakes i my above post. I’m very tired, and I didn’t read it through
before I posted it.
81. 81 Saul Goode on April 13, 2008 said:
I agree, Dane Cook has no intellect in his jokes. Also, his are hard to relate to, due to the fact that they only feature
specific situations. Another joke that was left out here that I like:
“I hate heavy doors. There should be a sign on it that says WARNING: You’re gonna look weak right NOW!…Why
didn’t you tell me, man, I’m walking with a girl here. I dont wanna struggle to get into the bar.So now I treat every door
like it’s heavy, because I don’t want to get burned again.The problem is, every door isn’t heavy, so I’m like slamming
doors. And I don’t want to slam a door and not have an emotion to go with the activity, that looks crazy. So I end up in
situaions where i go into a convenient store and i’m like BAM, i need some gum,NOW! I don’t have time to mess around,
man, I’ve got some bad breath. Why is your door so light?
Also, Dane Cook stole his “Not so Kool-Aid” joke from Family Guy, the joke involving a shoe store not having a certain
size, several from Louis CK, and is suspected of stealing jokes from Steve Martin. However, if you watch his original
Comedy Central special, you will find a different Dane than what you see today. All of his material was original, cleaner,
and more relatable.
82. 82 G on April 20, 2008 said:
AWESOME!
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.
‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me!’ ”
ROFL! Never heard that one before! here’s some of my faves….
glitter is the herpes of craft supplies
lqtm
(laugh quietly to myself)
I think they should paint pies on the front of trains.
cuz then if it hits someone…it’s at least a little bit funny
83. 83 Herbalife on April 21, 2008 said:
Lol, Demetri is hilarious. I don’t like the new comics nowadays who don’t have much substance to their routines
anymore.
84. 84 Dave on April 28, 2008 said:
“Jack would be hard probably because he’s fictional”
Uh, no he’s not:
“Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts, a large body
of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his “Fuzzy Memories” and “My Big Thick Novel” shorts. Many people have the
false impression that Jack Handey is not an actual person, but a character created by Saturday Night Live or a pen name
used by National Lampoon.”
85. 85 danecooksucks on May 2, 2008 said:
Please do not even mention Dane Cook. He does not possess NEAR the quality of comedic material that Demetri does.
And he’s an asshole
86. 86 bigfan on May 7, 2008 said:
How to be a bouncer:
1) Be an asshole
2) Stand near a door
87. 87 Demetri's Mom on May 14, 2008 said:
My son has the same name, same spelling (Greek spelling). That is how we found Demetri Martin. But we LOVE him!!
Wow! Funny, cute and cool name (yes I am biased!!)
We especially loved “If I”. Brilliant, funny, quirky and philosophical all at the same time …
Note: “If I” is a palindrome, like my name (Anna)
88. 88 dfn on May 20, 2008 said:
can´t help but strongly agree to the comment of Demetri´s Mom - discovered the “If I”-set recently and am very
impressed by its originality ! really appreciate the wit !
89. 89 Chris on July 12, 2008 said:
This one is also funny
cant belive you missed it!
“I have a watch that says its water resistant. It’s such a lame term. That’s like saying a watch is werewolf resistant. So i
can put this watch on a werewolf? No, It’s only werewolf resistant, the werewolf will mangle the watch. you can only
briefly tap it on the werewolf.”
90. 90 dmdc fan on July 15, 2008 said:
I have been a long time dane cook fan, and just recently discovered demetri. I’d have to say they are tied for my favorite
comedian because of their contrasting styles. How do I pick a favorite? I use quotes from both of them daily. Both are hot
(in diffrent ways of course) and both are equally funny. When I watch dane I lol (hysterically). When I watch demetri I
lqtm (hysterically)…
Ps all u dane cook haters…fuck you your just jealous of his talent
91. 91 tim on July 23, 2008 said:
Just some demitri martin jokes i typed up. Enjoy.
First Joke:
cottonballs is an example of something I would buy but not want as a nickname.
“this here is leo and eric, and this over here is cottonballs”
“how are ya doin’ im kinda fluffly”
Cinnamon buns on the other hand yeah i would buy those and have that as a nickname..
“Excuse me are you Cinnamon buns?”
“You bet your sweet ass i am!”
Second Joke:
I went into a clothing store and the lady working there she got mad at me,
and said “what size are you?”
“Actual! this aint a trick baby! What you see is what you get!”
Third Joke:
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles..
“Alright everyone we’re done here! Awwww C’monn! Alright everybody make one more wish…”
Fourth Joke:
How long is it gonna take in our society to see someone with an eyepatch and not to think that they’re a pirate?
I saw a guy with a suit and a breifcase but he had an eyepatch and all i saw was “Yarrgh!”
“Off to me office? Hold me calls! Yarrgh! Where’s me meeting!?”
Fifth Joke:
Swimming is a confusing sport cause sometimes you do it for fun, and othertimes you do it to not die. And sometimes i
go off of the outfit
Pants… Uh Oh
Swimming suit… ok..
Naked… We’ll See..
It’s like waking up in the morning you gotta check your outfit to make sure it’s cool
like if i wake up with pajama’s on “alright.. i planned this”
if you’re naked you gotta like check your surroundings
Ok im naked..
She’s pretty cute..
What’s he doing here??
92. 92 holly on July 29, 2008 said:
haha i just found this guy today..he’s so good!
“If i ever have to go up, in a building, i choose the elevator over the escalator, because one time i was riding the escalator
and i tripped, i fell down the stairs……..for an hour and a half.”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a
donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake
that I did.”
“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”
“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep
going. Bananana … damn.’
..wooh. my sides hurt xDDD i’ll definitely be checkin this guy out some more..
93. 93 D54 on July 30, 2008 said:
OMG you guys still haven’t listed the best one…his delivery of it carried it even further…just calmly playing the guitar
and says…
“every fight is a food fight when your a cannibal”
LMAO@”how old are you?..14, fuck off”
already mentioned but worth another time around, the rare times he swears is on the perfect joke
94. 94 D54 on July 30, 2008 said:
OH just watched the segment on my PC, and during his “adding the word ladies to the end of your sentences” bit he said
“help ive fallen into a well!…ladies. Cmon ladies, its like a jacuzzi with really high walls”
95. 95 the_intrepid on August 10, 2008 said:
has anyone aroun here heard of Jeff Dunham.. And Dane Cook is a sucker for comedy…
96. 96 Jared on August 14, 2008 said:
Mitch Hedburg and Jack Handey are obscure? In what world? And, if you’re going to take credit for his jokes (even
though i’m assuming and hoping you were kidding) you should reference http://www.DemetriMartin.com to give due
credit.
97. 97 captainpinhead on August 16, 2008 said:
By obscure I mean less mainstream (since I’m addressing the masses, I mean what’s obscure to them). You’d be surprised
how many more hits this quote page gets than the Mitch and Jack pages - I’m just going by that and general media
hearsay mumbo-jumbo, seems like Demetri is all the rage with the masses right now. If I was really attempting to take
credit I would probably not name the page Demetri Martin quotes! And yeah thanks for posting his site - when I
originally published this post (twas over a year ago, methinks) I didn’t know he had a page - though he may not have
back then.
Demetri’s in a ‘flight of the conchords’ episode - he’s not that funny in it, but conchords are amazing - you can watch
their live performances and ‘music videos’ on youtube but to get the entire conchords experience you really should get
their show (demetri’s in the last episode) - one of the characters (Jemaine) is clearly who Demetri learnt the “just add
ladies” formula from, they are hilarity.
98. 98 Herbalife on August 18, 2008 said:
Demetri martin is definitely one of the funniest people on the planet.
99. 99 allison on August 24, 2008 said:
DEMETRI MARTIN FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
100. 100 Hitman Bobby on August 27, 2008 said:
“Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries… They Die. ‘Why aren’t
you listening to your walkman?’ ‘I can’t. My Batteries died in my lap this morning… They were so young. The twins are
gone.’
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… It’s a shit life.” -Demetri Martin
101. 101 emily on September 1, 2008 said:
i love demetri, me and my friends r obsessed with him. ok i dont know the exact words to these and its 4:30 in the
morning so im too lazy to find them but…
theres the one thats like “i like statues. they show us what famous people would look like if they were covered in bird
crap.” or something along those lines
also he shows this pic of like a little circle in a bigger circle and is like ” cd or boob, either way dont scratch it”
and (again i dont know the exact words but this was the gist) “I hate it when you come in for a handshake all trafitional
and the person comes in with a fist bump. and then im like scrambling to update cause theirs is newer. so instead i just
dont do it i just go in like… ‘paper covers rock bitch”
“i love reading the box when im eating cereal and i always call into the questions or coments number. im like i have a
queston, is your stuff good? and i have a comment…YESS”
ok thats all i an think of right now…ll obvsly im a fan XD
102. 102 Simone on September 7, 2008 said:
here’s one i remember from the 2006 Melbourne Comedy festival:
“I bought a new pair of Pajamas with pockets, which is great, cos now i don’t have to hold things when i sleep.”
He’s one of my fav comedians
103. 103 Robert Frost on September 24, 2008 said:
Photoshopped..lol
104. 104 brian germain on October 2, 2008 said:
I think its unfair to say that Demetri Martin is as good as Mitch was, i don’t think that can ever be said. Mitch is my
favorite comedian and probably in the top 3 of all-time. However, i would go on to say that Demetri Martin is the funniest
comedian alive right now because that statement right now, would be true, and probably will be true for a every long
time.
105. 105 Ben on October 2, 2008 said:
Awesome
106. 106 captainpinhead on November 15, 2008 said:
Funniest comedian alive….hmm. I would have to vote for Ross Noble.
I can’t get quotes of his stuff because the genius lies with the performance, his actions, and the fact that he literally pulls
this hilarity out of his imagination on the night of any given performance. He might have 3 little jokes memorized for
sprinkling throughout the show, but from those, and the audience, he concocts absurdities, on the spot, the likes of which
I’ve never seen. His mind is wired in a fundamentally different way to everyone Else’s; and it’s brilliant - to the point
where I’ve considered changing my career to “Ross Nobling”, just following him from show to show, since it’s all
unrepeatable, lost if unfilmed…
He’s not for everyone but if you’re fond of Mitch, Demetri, Wright or Handey I’d definitely watch this (the first minute
of a show):
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ish_Q8A_4z8&feature=related
to get a taste of what Noble is about.
Demetri’s jokes are magnificent, there’s no disputing that, but consider the relative scarcity of his funnies - he goes on
stage and recites the best of his latest hilarious thoughts; his act is entirely preplanned. Ross just walks onto the stage with
some vague ideas and improvises the rest, and it’s gold. It’s an entirely different experience of comedy altogether; if you
liked it, get your hands on Fizzy Logic, Live at the Apollo & the rest of the show that the above groin-rubbing clip linked
to. You’ll be off your tits on happiness.
After him, I’d put Shaun Micallef - but you may need to be from Aus to know what I mean. Get yourself a season or three
of ‘the Micallef Programme” and then knock it up a notch with “the expurgated Micallef tonight”: if you liked Demetri’s
wordplay, I suspect a healthy dose of Micaleff may just make you cream your pants.
Also, Dylan Moran’s stand up; but it must be viewed.
107. 107 Jen on November 16, 2008 said:
i love demetri martin, mitch hedburg too (gotta get his new cd)
they’re both awesome and wicked funny
i love how they both have these random thoughts just stuck in the middle of they’re actual jokes
108. 108 Chris on November 27, 2008 said:
Dude, we are so on the moon…
109. 109 Jess on December 10, 2008 said:
“Worms and bears aren’t very similar……until you think of the word gummy”
110. 110 The Cynic on December 13, 2008 said:
@Jen
Uh, Jen? Exactly how new is this CD?
‘Cause good old Mitch died a while back.
111. 111 Demetri on December 13, 2008 said:
i like this becuz we have the same name.. Im Demetri Martin jr. jk lol
112. 112 Laura Gibbons on December 16, 2008 said:
I LOVE his special Person. Every time it is on Comedy Central I an rofl. I am in love with all of the shirts he wears, they
are so weird. I found the same shirt he wears in Person at http://www.cafepress.com/generationtee.205810333 !! I bought
one for my boyfriend for Christmas, he’ll love it.
113. 113 Leah on December 22, 2008 said:
I quite enjoyed the straw joke and I also found the ice cubes funny
Have you heard moving up in a building? It goes: When I’m moving up in a building I like to take the elevator rather than
the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. I just
kept falling.
(Sorry for all words spelled incorrectly. I have never been the best speller. Oh well. :])
114. 114 aussypukes on December 24, 2008 said:
you should post the joke about his life when he said that he was a street performer but it wasnt easy……i lived in the
suburbs……and i was in a culvasack
there wasnt much foot traffic …..but when people would make a u turn id get em
lqtm
also you should add ALOT more jokes on here cause yknow most of us cant find his specials on tv that much
he also has his own show on youtube and an account
called “clarification” and animations done by him in vista
also you seem to have not many jokes posted from his special “if”
115. 115 Jenny on January 2, 2009 said:
Good one:
“I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have
some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
116. 116 johnny on January 3, 2009 said:
TlLMkv Thanks for good post
117. 117 timothy on January 11, 2009 said:
I know someone who thinks exactly like this guy. hilarious. only difference is this guy is short. and not famous.
love the ransom note thing
118. 118 Jen on January 14, 2009 said:
omg! i love demetri martin, he’s soooo funny. I found one of his shirts and everytime i wear it i get tons of laughs!
http://www.cafepress.com/generationtee.345118169
119. 119 Julian on January 16, 2009 said:
“they should call fishing what it really is. Tricking and killing!”
120. 120 Julian on January 16, 2009 said:
“a power nap is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you.”
favorite comedian
121. 121 Me. on January 25, 2009 said:
“I just popped your 2007 cherry on this page.
Demetri is one funny man, I will admit. One of my top comic picks.”
Yeah well I just popped your 2009 cherry on this page so there! now What!?
but I agree. Demetri is a hilarious comedian. He’s like Mitch Hedberg except he doesn’t always use one liners and he’s
not dead.
122. 122 HOTPOCKETS-jj on January 29, 2009 said:
i noticed the past and present tense can really change the meaning of the noun.
“What have you been doing?”
“I was watching a movie, then I had hot pockets” to-
“What have you been doing?”
“I was watching a movie, now I have hot pockets”
“Gross.”
123. 123 Mike on January 31, 2009 said:
Thanks for collecting all these quotes! I was looking for one of his jokes, but couldn’t remember the exact wording.
Found this, and bam, I was done. I love it.
124. 124 Lara on February 10, 2009 said:
Flip his chart. And shows a circle….
“This is a pie chart of procrastination.”
hahaha.
“No stone throwing regardless of housing situation”
I love him so much.
=))
1. 1 Stephen Wright Quotes « musings of an overactive mind
2. 2 Martin Quotes | Twitfall
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foolproof “Vegetarian Repellant!”
 Travelling into one’s own mind with magic mushrooms
 Nos Is…
 Stephen Wright Quotes
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musings of an overactive mind

10. 10 christina on January 15, 2007 said:

12. 12 Jarod Kintz on January 15, 2007 said:

24. 24 susangpyp on February 17, 2007 said:

35. 35 taji tuesdy on May 22, 2007 said:

38. 38 heybuddies13 on July 12, 2007 said:

42. 42 tanny rimbo on August 6, 2007 said:

52. 52 McStewpants on October 15, 2007 said:

53. 53 ♥ h@+3_m3 ♥ on October 23, 2007 said:

58. 58 Juan Mejias on December 25, 2007 said:

61. 61 Shuttayouface on December 31, 2007 said:

63. 63 your mother on January 9, 2008 said:

83. 83 Herbalife on April 21, 2008 said:

87. 87 Demetri's Mom on May 14, 2008 said:

98. 98 Herbalife on August 18, 2008 said:

100. 100 Hitman Bobby on August 27, 2008 said:

101. 101 emily on September 1, 2008 said:

102. 102 Simone on September 7, 2008 said:

104. 104 brian germain on October 2, 2008 said:

105. 105 Ben on October 2, 2008 said:

106. 106 captainpinhead on November 15, 2008 said:

107. 107 Jen on November 16, 2008 said:

109. 109 Jess on December 10, 2008 said:

110. 110 The Cynic on December 13, 2008 said:

111. 111 Demetri on December 13, 2008 said:

112. 112 Laura Gibbons on December 16, 2008 said:

113. 113 Leah on December 22, 2008 said:

114. 114 aussypukes on December 24, 2008 said:

115. 115 Jenny on January 2, 2009 said:

116. 116 johnny on January 3, 2009 said:

117. 117 timothy on January 11, 2009 said:

118. 118 Jen on January 14, 2009 said:

119. 119 Julian on January 16, 2009 said:

120. 120 Julian on January 16, 2009 said:

121. 121 Me. on January 25, 2009 said:

123. 123 Mike on January 31, 2009 said:

124. 124 Lara on February 10, 2009 said:

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