The September Artefacts Part II: Raylawn Dreams

By: Christain Pakozdi

For my dinosaur, once more. You were the glorious remedy for my heart. I shant ever forget or loose care for you. And to be quite honest, Im not even sure this book of poems for how much my heart misses yours.

I cant remember The last time I fell So deeply For a man. I would thin my very soul For him If he asked it of me. There is no man I adore more Than him, my monster, My silver eyed shadow. There are abysses that he and I Would plunder. I have never loved a man So decadently.

I had dreams of settling down with you like Id never had. I dreamt of dinners and dishwashing. I dreamt of a life with you. I had never had that in my life ever before.

I only feel love For the man In the aluminium cavern As he convinces me He is the victim And I am the perpetrator Tough luck For him I will be Cruel and rude I will mirror him

I was his wife Not physically There were no Ceremonies Other than Two souls Touched by one another We were inseparable In another life It only wrecks my heart to know We are separable in this one His heart is a paragon Never has a man been so fond of me As he

One of my deepest failures Is not showing you That I loved you When I loved you Because you are a demi-god In destitution

I remember The shapes Of him He was a stone man Who could soar in my skies He cared for me Restlessly And took care When my body was bad But when things Got tough He bailed And I collected my heart things And found a road somewhere I was walking and walking For days Mourning my love Somewhere down the line When I gained my strength back He found me Somehow I shouted and screamed My tyrannies justly youre being melodramatic he said to me How dare a man Gone for months Speak to me this way

He fills my heart With gratitude I follow the rivers of the earth In search Of my own source of the nile He is The poorest of them all But Id prefer my man in the trailer To all the adorned mansions In this world

Today my heart hurts The most He was just another lesson learned But I swear He belongs to me And he has My better days In fact those might have been My best I still wish That I was his sweetheart This book Is my love letter To my saint

He never even slept In my bed And never cared For my family Id take the long way To his heart If I had to He told me I didnt do anything wrong I beg to differ There has to be some reason For this interminable sadness Pain is my dowry He is And always will be My dearest Maybe we Are only summer lovers

Always and forever My faded King If I ever saw you again Id get on my knees And hug your feet I weep for you He made my soul feel invincible I fed off of his Worldly strength He is my breeze He took care of me And he reminds me Of my father Going above and beyond Showing me What its like To be loved

A saint A monster You are both A man Who denies any wrong He has ever done His heart Could have never been mine anyways It was always with A woman who broke him I cant Compete with that

I have vilified you To me And all our friends Because you didnt make me feel Like a woman In the end

I am the liquor babe Waitin in the corner For a bad man Whose brave enough To steal me away Wholl give me Something to remember Desire Is a brutal engine It fills me And leaves me sitting there Waiting to be unleashed Waiting to be Turned out I need to ride The animals of the night So Ill grip myself tonight

He is A freedom giver There is no place Like Kettering No place at all One cannot simply Bathe in cereal Anyplace else But in the heart Of peace And in the midst Of my tragic altitudes I hear the music of Good Spirits And it takes me away From my monster My bad bad man

Nothing Was the thanks I got For kissing the ground Beneath you All the things You didnt care for Were more important Than the things you did I was never much to you Not that I was satisfied with you anyway Id love to see You beg and plead Because in the end You werent even worth my time So much for you being Always on my mind

I am devoured I want to Smother you And let you know Ill never forget you But you took out your weaponry And slashed at me I wonder if Youre fuckin someone new If so Then Ill shatter her jaw And let her know Who owns you

Its over for me Im just a desired doll You left me for this pack of men Crawling around me Sniffing My vulnerabilities You fed me to them I am their meat Dont you remember me The one who bent over backwards For you My broken little man Its ok Ill make it good For these men Because youre done with me

I love you But who the fuck cares I say your name under my breath I thought you were the messiah You might as well have been The way that I worshipped you Maybe Ill close my eyes And you will disappear From memory But for now You drench over me And I cant count The bottles that are on the floor This feels So fucking wrong

Cleansing myself Of you Is a rough go Apparently Loving someone With every part of you Is not as removable As hoped When you left You left a warning on me assembly required it reads I am a puzzle For the tough But To be dearly honest Id rather be a disassembled mess Than have a man Attempt to put me together Because there are no hands Like yours How dare You make me believe Someone could love me

The worst part Of this darkness Is that youre not even trying To find me I might as be The shot up night babe That men drive up to In their secret cars You never had much reason To be upset over me

Part of me Still wishes I was within you Ill never forget That august day I dared to come see you That day I found out That anything could happen I fell inlove with a star But after the War of November The darkness grew in me And in between us And you let it But I realize It doesnt matter If I miss you Or how much Because you wont ever have enough money For a trip Or you wont have the braveness it requires To come to family dinners You have no idea How heartwrenching you made winter For me

As winter Comes to its sorry close I strip myself Of what could have been And cover myself With dreams All over again I look behind me And see you My old dear My Skyfall dream And even though I know you miss me Like I hurt For you You are The toughest person I have known You could fight a war On your own Thats how strong you are To me

Just because You arent with me Anymore I will not crumble

From you I took aggression I took paranoia I took things That arent stable And when Im in a room Ill stare someone down Or turn the music louder than they are talking Just to show them Whose boss Thats what you gave me An unbridled domination A testosterone level To match any man

I understand if youve found someone new Because in all honesties We didnt matter anyways Not in the end I still love you But it does not matter Maybe it never did Because you are an arctic man We were always just a shallow grave

I once was in a basement With a man who cooked me breakfast I saw him in summer And loved him in fall He left me In winter And found another woman Before spring He moved on Because thats the only thing he knows I dreamt of traveling with him And seeing the stars In different places I dreamt of dinners And movies And late nights making love I miss his dog And how she cuddled with me I wish he knew That I loved her But those Are my Raylawn Dreams Forever, unattainable Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye