The Great Paste Caper

By
d.s. Levy
 ACT I
Scene 1
(An empty stage.
(TEDDY enters.)
TEDDY
(sighing)
Wow, business is bad. Stupid dental association.
(TABITHA enters.)
TABITHA
Oh hey, boss. What’s up?
TEDDY
Tabitha. Nothing much. Just finished the quarterly
report and heading home early.
TABITHA
How’s it going out there?
TEDDY
Honestly? We’re way under for the week. I really
shouldn’t take any time off--you know, I should stay
late and try to figure out why business is so bad--but
it’s my mom’s 743rd birthday. She’d be crushed if I
missed it.
TABITHA
I’m sure she’d understand. She can’t get mad at you for
working, right?
TEDDY
Sure she can. She’s my mom. Besides, I’m burned out.
You can only spend so much time thinking about teeth
before you need a break. Look what happened to Tom!
(At the mention of his name, TOM runs onto the
stage. He is frantic and nervous, quick in his
motions and highly agitated at all times.)
TOM
You said my name!
TABITHA
Hey Tom.
TOM
(ignoring her)
You said it. You said my name. Why did you say my name?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

TEDDY
I just said it. We weren’t talking about you.
TOM
Open your mouth.
TEDDY
Tom, I really don’t--
TOM
Do it...or else.
(TEDDY sighs and opens his mouth wide. TOM peers
in, checking his teeth.)
TOM
Just as I suspected. You have teeth.
(TEDDY, his mouth still open, tries to say "Of
course I do" but it comes out unintelligible.)
TOM
What was that? Are you threatening me?
(TEDDY closes his mouth.)
TEDDY
No, Tom. I just said of course I do. Why wouldn’t I
have teeth?
TOM
Ah yes. Very good defense. You have won this round
Captain Stringbottom but the war is far from over. We
shall meet again or else we will!
(TOM pauses a moment, almost aware of the nonsense
he’s just spouted, but finally shakes his head and
exits.)
TABITHA
Wow.
TEDDY
If I ever START to get that bad, tell me to retire, OK?
TABITHA
You ever get THAT bad, I’ll put you completely out of
your misery, don’t worry.
TEDDY
Thanks. You just starting your shift?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

TABITHA
Yep.
TEDDY
Well good luck. I spoke to Tulip, down in research, and
she said that the reason business is slow is because
kids have found a way to keep their baby teeth.
TABITHA
Are you serious?
TEDDY
She doesn’t have any hard evidence but it’s a
disturbing theory all the same.
TABITHA
Hmph. Why would you even WANT to keep your baby teeth?
TEDDY
Beats me. I’m beginning to wonder why we need our own
teeth at all. Dentures would work just fine.
TABITHA
Tom would probably steal them.
TEDDY
Good point. Well, good luck, OK?
TABITHA
Yeah, thanks. And tell your mom happy birthday?
TEDDY
Sure thing.
(TEDDY exits.)
TABITHA
Kids keeping their baby teeth, huh? Weird.
(laughs)
Too much more of that and I could be out of a job!
(Suddenly, it’s not so funny. She stops laughing
and looks worried.
(She exits.)
END SCENE
 4.

Scene 2
(A boardroom.)
(Door swings open and OSCAR enters followed by
SAM, DELILAH, JACKSON, and various professional
looking people. They sit around the boardroom
table, OSCAR at the head of the table upstage
facing the audience.)
OSCAR
Thank you all for being here this morning. As you know,
our newest product hit the market three weeks ago and
stocks have tripled.
ALL
(passionless)
Yay.
OSCAR
(sincerely)
Please try to contain your excitement.
SAM
I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I say we are
truly sorry to have had such an outburst of emotion.
The news, you see, is all very exciting.
OSCAR
Indeed it is. In fact, we are now ready to start phase
two of our plan.
DELILAH
Are you sure? The product has only been on the market
for three weeks. How can we be certain that everyone is
using it?
SAM
Delilah has a good point. Wouldn’t we want to wait?
Don’t we want to make sure as many people are using our
product as possible before we move on to phase two?
OSCAR
You have a point but the news I’ve gotten is that we
are outselling the competition ten to one.
(The others look confused.)
OSCAR
In other words, for every one person who buys another
product, ten are buying ours.
(The others still look confused.)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

OSCAR
Ok, really? What’s so hard to understand about that?
DELILAH
No, we get it, sir. It’s just that it doesn’t mean
much.
OSCAR
What do you mean?
SAM
"Ten to one" sounds good but how many people is that?
What if some people just aren’t buying this kind of
product at all?
OSCAR
Oh, my dear Sam, don’t you get it? It’s not like we’re
selling something no one needs like throw pillows or
underwear. We’re selling the single most important
product known to human kind! The one product they can’t
live without. Without our product, no one falls in
love, babies aren’t born, promotions aren’t got, the
very fabric of existence as we know it ceases
to...ceases to...
SAM
Exist?
OSCAR
Exactly! We are not just selling an important product,
ladies and gentlemen. We are saving the world!
(All but JACKSON applaud in a very business-like
fashion.)
OSCAR
Jackson? Why aren’t you clapping with the others?
Weren’t you moved by my speech?
JACKSON
(clears throat)
Oh yes. Of course. It’s just that...
OSCAR
Just that?
JACKSON
Well...we’re only selling toothpaste you know.
(All except JACKSON and OSCAR gasp. OSCAR rubs his
temples.)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

OSCAR
My dear boy. We are not ONLY selling toothpaste. We are
selling the BEST toothpaste. Haven’t you seen our
newest commercial?
JACKSON
Actually, no, I haven’t but I don’t see why that
matters. It’s still just toothpaste.
(All gasp again.)
OSCAR
Maybe you need a reminder of just how special our
toothpaste is. Sam, Delilah, go get the commercial.
SAM DELILAH
Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

(They exit.)
OSCAR
I think you’ll see, Jackson, that our product is unlike
anything on the market today.
(SAM and DELILAH return.)
SAM
It’s ready boss.
OSCAR
Excellent. Play it.
(DELILAH points a remote to an empty portion of
the stage. The lights dim as the "commercial"
plays.)
(BOY enters. He is dressed in his pajamas, his
hair messy. He has just gotten out of bed. He
yawns and walks to a sink as VOICE begins to
narrate.)
VOICE
Another morning has dawned and it’s time to brush your
teeth. But what’s this? You’re out of toothpaste!
(BOY puts his hands to either side of his face and
makes an "Oh no!" face.)
VOICE
There’s no need to fear. Your mom went shopping last
night.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

BOY
Whew! Mom! I need some toothpaste.
(MOM enters.)
MOM
Here you go, son.
BOY
This isn’t my usual toothpaste.
MOM
You’re right. This is new Infinity Paste!
BOY
Infinity Paste? What makes it special?
VOICE
We’re glad you asked!
(During the following explanation, MOM and BOY
make cheesy, over-enthused reactions to the
product information.)
VOICE
Infinity Paste is the first toothpaste of its kind. A
result of years of scientific research and animal
testing, Infinity Paste will prevent cavities, plaque
and gingivitis. It’s so powerful, it will even keep you
from ever losing your teeth!
BOY
What about my baby teeth?
VOICE
Keep ’em! After all, you only get one set of baby
teeth. Why should you have to lose them?
BOY
Good point, mister!
MOM
Does that mean you’ll have more teeth to eat your
vegetables with?
BOY
(whining)
Mom!
VOICE
Sure does, Mom! In fact, studies have shown that by
keeping our baby teeth, people are happier and more
productive. You see, having more teeth means you can
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

VOICE (cont’d)
chew twice as fast. Just think how nice it would be
only using HALF your lunch hour!
MOM
I could get a lot more done at work, that’s for sure!
VOICE
That’s right!
BOY
Wow, Infinity Paste sounds too good to be true.
VOICE
It’s real alright. Infinity Paste is made by Continuum,
Incorporated. That’s a name you can trust! So make sure
you switch to Infinity Paste. You’ll never lose another
tooth!
MOM BOY
Thanks Infinity Paste! Thanks Infinity Paste!

(The commercial ends. BOY, MOM and VOICE exit. The

lights come back up on the same board room scene.)
OSCAR
Well?
JACKSON
You can’t be serious.
OSCAR
Pardon me?
JACKSON
You’re telling me that Infinity Paste lets you keep
your baby teeth and has no side effects?
OSCAR
Well, yes and no.
JACKSON
Go on.
OSCAR
Sam, explain.
SAM
Ah, yes, well you see...the thing is...actually...
(mumbles something)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

JACKSON
What was that?
(SAM mumbles again.)
DELILAH
The truth is, Jackson, that Infinity Paste does indeed
let you keep your baby teeth. There ARE a few little
side-effects.
JACKSON
Such as?
DELILAH
Um...you see...kids who use it kind of...turn
into...monsters.
JACKSON
(emotionless)
Monsters.
SAM
Monsters.
JACKSON
You can’t be serious.
OSCAR
Oh, we’re serious. And I’m serious that if you even
THINK about telling anyone outside of this room about
this, you’ll be sorry.
JACKSON
What are you going to do, have me put in prison or
something?
OSCAR
Worse. We’ll make you brush your teeth.
(Everyone in the room except for JACKSON and OSCAR
gasp. One person faints, the idea of this
punishment too much to consider.)
JACKSON
Fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut.
OSCAR
I thought you might see things our way. OK, so as for
phase two. We will wait one month and then put our plan
into action. By this time next year, we’ll all be rich
beyond our wildest dreams!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

(OSCAR laughs maniacally and the others join him.

Only JACKSON does not smile. He looks lost in
thought as the lights fade out.)
END SCENE

Scene 3
(Night on a city street.
(COLLETE is walking home from the supermarket.
Poking out of her bag is a big TOOTHPASTE TUBE
with the words "Infinity Paste" printed on the
side.
(TEDDY enters. He is wearing a cloak or jacket to
hide his wings. He isn’t watching where he’s going
and bumps into COLLETE.)
COLLETE
Hey! Watch it mister!
TEDDY
Oh, sorry. Right. I...I wasn’t watching. My bad.
COLLETE
(abashed)
No, it’s fine. I’m sorry I yelled. Just...watch where
you’re going, OK?
TEDDY
Yeah. Thanks.
(notices TOOTHPASTE TUBE)
That’s a pretty big tube of toothpaste you have there.
COLLETE
Big family. Lots of teeth.
TEDDY
Right. What kind of toothpaste is that anyway? I’ve
never seen it.
COLLETE
You’re awfully interested in toothpaste.
TEDDY
Well, I’m kind of in the business.
COLLETE
Of paste?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

TEDDY
Nope. Teeth.
COLLETE
Oh, so you’re a dentist.
TEDDY
Nope.
COLLETE
Ooookay.
(There is an awkward pause. Finally, TEDDY hurries
on with his question.)
TEDDY
So what kind of toothpaste is that?
COLLETE
Um, it’s Infinity Paste.
TEDDY
Never heard of it.
COLLETE
You’ve got to be kidding me! It’s only the best selling
toothpaste in, like, the world!
TEDDY
If you say so.
COLLETE
Ask anybody and they’ll say the same.
(JIMMY and SUZY enter. They cross the stage behind
COLLETE and TEDDY, talking.)
COLLETE
Go on, ask them.
TEDDY
Fine.
(to JIMMY and SUZY)
Hey, you two. Can I ask you something?
JIMMY
What’s up?
TEDDY
My friend here--

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

COLLETE
Friend?
TEDDY
Quiet. Anyway, my friend here and I have a bet and
maybe you two can help us settle it.
SUZY
Sure, glad to help.
TEDDY
OK, can you tell me what is the best selling toothpaste
in the whole world?
JIMMY
That’s easy.
SUZY
Yeah, you guys actually BET on that?
TEDDY
Just tell me. What is it?
JIMMY SUZY
Infinity Paste! Infinity Paste!

COLLETE
See? Told you so.
(JIMMY ans SUZY exit, shaking their heads.)
TEDDY
OK, so what makes this toothpaste so special?
COLLETE
It tastes great, for one thing and you never lose any
of your baby teeth for another. It’s awesome.
TEDDY
Wait, what did you just say?
COLLETE
It’s awesome?
TEDDY
No, before that.
COLLETE
Watch where you’re going?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

TEDDY
No, after that but before the very last thing you said.
COLLETE
You never lose your baby teeth.
TEDDY
Right. But that’s impossible. You have to lose your
baby teeth or your adult teeth will have nowhere else
to go.
COLLETE
You would think so but turns out your adult teeth will
just grow out of the roof of your mouth.
TEDDY
That sounds painful!
COLLETE
Oh, it is, but it’s no worse than teething. Plus, when
they’re all grown in you have two sets of teeth. All
the better to chew with. It’s cool. I can eat a whole
steak in under two minutes.
TEDDY
That’s...unhealthy.
COLLETE
I said I COULD, not that I DID. Well, anyway, you
should pick some Infinity Paste up. Everyone is using
it.
(chuckles)
Hey, good thing there’s no such thing as the tooth
fairy, right?
TEDDY
(cautiously)
What do you mean?
COLLETE
Well, she’d be out of a job! Take it easy, mister.
(COLLETE exits.)
TEDDY
She’s right. I have a very bad feeling about this.
(TEDDY exits as the lights fade to black.)
END SCENE
 14.

Scene 4
(Dispatch office of Tooth Fairy Headquarters. A
group of tooth fairies is gathered. They are
talking, nervous and anxious.)
TULIP
I don’t know why Teddy called us here.
TERRENCE
Maybe it’s to give us all a promotion.
TOM
The space bunnies have huge teeth and they eat purple
carrots.
TABITHA
That’s great, Tom. And Terrence, I doubt we’re getting
promotions. Just the other day, Teddy was telling me
that business isn’t so good.
TIK TOK
I have noticed things slowing down. Last week I only
took in three teeth...for the whole week! I used to
pull in a hundred times that many.
TOLLBOOTH
Just last night I put in a full eight hours and
nothing, not so much as one bicuspid.
TABITHA
See, something’s wrong.
(TEDDY enters. He’s holding a tube of Infinity
Paste.)
TEDDY
And I know what the problem is.
TOM
I knew it. Space bunnies.
TEDDY
Close, but no. It’s this toothpaste. I checked and
sales of this stuff is through the roof. Almost every
country in the world is using it.
TULIP
Ah, that explains it!
(The others look at her quizically).

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

TULIP
(explaining)
I was talking to Theo--he’s the guy who runs our Spain
devision--and he was reporting that some new product
hit the market that kept people from losing teeth;
especially children!
TEDDY
That’s the stuff, all right. We are in serious trouble,
my fellow fairies. It looks like we’re out of a job.
TILLER
I’m afraid it’s worse than that.
TULIP
How can it get worse? I have expensive tastes and I
just bought a new house!
TERRENCE
And I just put a deposit down on a cruise for me and
the family.
TEDDY
Let Tiller talk. He’s been here longer than any of us.
Go ahead Tiller.
TILLER
Well, you see, it’s all very simple. We tooth fairies
only exist because we have a reason. Without a reason,
we aren’t needed.
TABITHA
Wait, you aren’t suggesting...
(she trails off)
TILLER
Yep. If we aren’t needed, we will cease to exist.
(There is a moment of stunned silence.)
TOM
Space bunnies are looking pretty good now, aren’t they?
(TEDDY is the first to snap out of their
collective shock.)
TEDDY
OK, we have to do something.
TULIP
But what can we do?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

TEDDY
Well, maybe we can ask the makers of Infinity Paste to
stop selling their product.
TABITHA
We can’t.
TILLER
That would violate the first law: Thou shalt not
contradict adults when they say the tooth fairy does
not exist.
TIK TOK
Besides, even if you showed them your wings and they
believed you, you’d wind up as some kind of lab
experiment and we’d all be arrested for repeated
breaking and entering.
TOLLBOOTH
Who knows how many houses we’ve snuck into, right?
TIK TOK
Exactly.
TEDDY
Well, we have to do something!
TABITHA
Face it, Teddy. It looks the age of tooth fairies is
coming to an end.
(TEDDY slams his fist on a table.)
TEDDY
No! I can’t accept that. There must be a way to stop
this...this...
(looks at the tube of toothpaste)
...this Continuum, Inc. from making their toothpaste. I
have to try!
(TEDDY exits, angry.)
(The others stare at him, uncertain.)
TABITHA
He’s right. We have to try.
(She sees the others aren’t going to go with her.
She shakes her head and exits.)
(An uncomfortable silence draws out amongst the
group of tooth fairies until TOM speaks.)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

TOM
OK, so the space bunnies like cabbage, you see--
(The other fairies groan and exit.)
TOM
What?! No seriously, what?
(as he exits)
You’ll be sorry! On day you’ll see a space bunny and
you’ll wonder what to do and it’ll be like "You look
yummy" and you’ll be like "Why didn’t I listen to
Tom?!"
(His voices trails off as the lights fade to
black.)
END SCENE

Scene 5
(TEDDY enters. He’s wearing his coat to hid his
wings. He sees a group of kids huddled around
something. Their backs are to him.)
TEDDY
Hey, kids. It’s pretty late for you all to be out here,
isn’t it?
(One of the kids turns and looks at him. TEDDY
takes a step back as the audience sees this is no
boy--it’s a monster!)
TEDDY
Oh, well, right. I can see you’re all busy. I’ll just
head back this way and--
(The monsters rush to surround him. They growl and
snap at TEDDY, closing in on him, ready to beat
him senseless.)
TEDDY
Help!

(A whistle pierces the scene and the monsters look

up, terrified of the sound. They scamper off, away
from whoever made that terrible whistling sound.)
(JACKSON enters.)

TEDDY
Who are you?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

JACKSON
Name’s Jackson.
TEDDY
Is that a first name or a last name?
JACKSON
It’s the name of someone who just saved you from being
eaten.
TEDDY
Right, well, thanks.
JACKSON
Don’t mention it.
TEDDY
What were those things?
JACKSON
Monsters.
TEDDY
Yeah, I could see that. I mean, where did they come
from?
JACKSON
Mommy and daddy monsters.
TEDDY
Forget I asked.
JACKSON
No, hey, sorry. I’m just having a little fun. You have
to find the humor in things or you go crazy. Those
monsters aren’t really monsters, per se.
TEDDY
What do you mean?
JACKSON
They’re children.
TEDDY
OK, now I KNOW you’re goofing on me.
JACKSON
No, really. They were children until they started using
Infinity paste and then, well, you saw what they are
now.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

TEDDY
How do you know that toothpaste is to blame? It could
be anything! IF you’re even telling the truth and they
really were children once.
JACKSON
Oh, I’m telling the truth. See, I used to work for
Continuum, Inc.
TEDDY
Use to?
JACKSON
What can I say? You make one little threat of going to
the media and telling them what Infinity Paste really
does and they fire you, take away your private jet, and
have you committed to an insane asylum. What reporter
would believe me now?
TEDDY
That’s awful. I’m sorry. But I think you’re better off.
JACKSON
How do you figure?
TEDDY
How could you really continue working for a company
that turned kids into monsters?
JACKSON
My paychecks were always on time?
TEDDY
There isn’t enough money in the world to make some
things right.
JACKSON
I suppose you have a point. But still, I have a PRIVATE
JET and now I have to fly coach.
TEDDY
There are worse things.
JACKSON
Like what?
(TEDDY thinks for a moment before obviously coming
to a decision.)
TEDDY
What if I told you I’m about to lose my job too?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

JACKSON
I’d say welcome to the club.
TEDDY
OK, and what if I told you that when I do, I’ll cease
to exist.
JACKSON
I’d say you’re being a little over dramatic.
(TEDDY shrugs off his coat, revealing his wings.)
JACKSON
What in the world?
TEDDY
I can explain.
JACKSON
I’d love to hear this.
TEDDY
OK, well, it’s kind of like...
(thinks)
Right, so I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that tooth fairies really do exist.
JACKSON
And the bad news?
TEDDY
They won’t exits much longer unless you help us.
JACKSON
Why me?
TEDDY
Because you know your way around Continuum, Inc. and I
think you want to prevent kids from becoming monsters.
And because I don’t have a better idea.
JACKSON
This is crazy!
TEDDY
This is serious.
(JACKSON thinks it over for a moment before saying
his next line.)
JACKSON
Alright, I’ll help you. On one condition.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

TEDDY
What’s that?
(JACKSON steps closer to TEDDY and whispers in his
ear. TEDDY nods.)
TEDDY
That can be arranged. C’mon, we have to get the others.
(They exit.)
END SCENE
Scene 6
(The boardroom at Continuum, Inc. OSCAR has called
a meeting to discuss phase two.)
OSCAR
It has been a month. We’re finally ready to begin phase
two of our plan.
DELILAH
I still think it’s too early.
OSCAR
Delilah?
DELILAH
Yes?
OSCAR
Is your name Oscar?
DELILAH
Um, no...that’s your name.
OSCAR
And are you the boss of this company?
DELILAH
Uh...no?
OSCAR
(yelling)
Then I don’t care what you think? Is that clear? We’re
moving on to phase two!
DELILAH
OK, I’m sorry. Sheesh.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.

OSCAR
Does anyone else have any objections?
(Everyone gathered mumbles that they don’t.)
OSCAR
Good. OK, Sam, would you please explain to everyone
here what phase two is all about?
SAM
Um...yeah...right. Well, phase two is about money.
(Everyone perks up at this.)
SAM
Right...so...the first step is to stop production of
Infinity Paste.
(Everyone looks shocked and gasps.)
OSCAR
That’s right, everyone. We will no longer be making
Infinity Paste.
DELILAH
With all due respect, boss...isn’t that a stupid thing
to do?
OSCAR
Not at all. Sam?
SAM
Right, well, we’re going to introduce new Infinity
Paste 2.
DELILAH
Why?
OSCAR
This is my favorite part.
SAM
Because Infinity Paste 2 makes teeth fall out.
DELILAH
What?! That’s insane! Why would anyone buy that?
OSCAR
We won’t be advertising it any differently. In fact,
we’ll be focusing on the great new taste and the
improved whitening effects. People will buy it, trust
me.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

DELILAH
And when their teeth start to fall out?
SAM
Our marketing department is convinced that people will
not complain.
DELILAH
Why in the world would they NOT complain?
SAM
Because they will be encouraged to put their teeth
under their pillows at which point we will sneak into
their rooms and exchange their teeth for money.
OSCAR
That was my idea. I’m so brilliant!
(to an extra)
That’s why I’m the boss.
DELILAH
Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that like the tooth
fairy?
(JACKSON enters.)
JACKSON
That’s exactly like the tooth fairy.
OSCAR
I was wondering where you were. Glad you decided to
show up.
JACKSON
Yes, well, I had to take care of a few things. Don’t
worry, I think I caught the important parts.
DELILAH
Can you believe this, Jackson? I mean, it was one thing
when we were turning the kids into monsters. I can deal
with that. But making them lose their teeth? That’s
just evil!
JACKSON
Your boundaries worry me.
DELILAH
What can I say? I’m a complicated gal.
JACKSON
Oscar, what reason would you possibly have for
collecting teeth from children?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.

OSCAR
Well, you see my dear Jackson, we’re going to open a
new division of Continuum, Inc. We’re going to start
selling candy.
JACKSON
Oookay...
OSCAR
Here, let’s try some, shall we?
(He claps his hands and two SCIENTISTS enter. Each
one carries a tray of colorful hard candies.)
OSCAR
Help yourself.
(Everyone except JACKSON takes a piece and enjoys
it.)
JACKSON
I still don’t understand why you need teeth.
OSCAR
(to SCIENTISTS)
Would you please tell us the secret ingredient in our
candy?
SCIENTISTS
(together)
Human teeth, sir.
(Everyone spits their candy out.)
JACKSON
That’s disgusting!
DELILAH
Oh goodness, I can’t believe I ate that!
SAM
I took a piece and I even knew it was made out of
teeth! What’s wrong with me?!
(SAM puts his head on the table and cries.)
JACKSON
This is low, Oscar, even for you. You must be stopped.
OSCAR
Oh please, and who is going to stop me?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.

(TEDDY enters, followed by the rest of the tooth

fairies. They are not in disguise, their wings
plainly visible.)
TEDDY
We are!
OSCAR
Who are you?
TABITHA
We’re the people you’re putting out of work with your
big business schemes.
OSCAR
Riiight. So you expect me to believe you’re real tooth
fairies?
TIK TOK
Oh, we’re real alright. Real angry!
TOLLBOOTH
Good one, Tok.
TIK TOK
Thanks.
OSCAR
OK, good for you. But you can’t stop me. Infinity Paste
Two hits the shelves next week! In less than a month,
there are going to be a whole lot of teeth to collect
and I’ve already gotten approval to collect the teeth
we need to make our candy which we will then sell back
to the children and Bam! Instant profit!
TEDDY
Don’t you get it? That’s OUR job!
OSCAR
(menacingly)
Not anymore.
(The tooth fairies start talking all at once,
complaining and telling OSCAR he’s a monster. TOM
says his line as JACKSON quiets them all down.)
TOM
This is no way to treat cuddly jellybeans!
(Everyone turns to TOM with confused expressions
on their faces.)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.

TOM
(abashed)
I’m just saying.
JACKSON
Oscar, I just can’t let you do this.
OSCAR
You keep saying that and yet I’m pretty sure I’m doing
it. There’s nothing you can do.
JACKSON
Well, maybe the news media could get involved. Maybe
they could find out how you turned kids into monsters
and plan to feed the rest of them candy made from their
own teeth!
OSCAR
I’m sure that would be bad but do you see any news
media here? I don’t think so. There’s no one here to
tell the world the great things I’ve done. Sorry.
(OSCAR laughs maniacally.)
JACKSON
I guess you’re right. But just for the record, you
don’t deny the accusations I just threw at you?
Everything I said is true?
OSCAR
(exasperated)
Fine, if it will make you happy. Yes, it’s all true.
I’m the greatest villain of them all. I turned kids
into monsters. I’m going to feed them their teeth. And
I’m going to make oodles of money doing it!
JACKSON
Thanks. Tabitha, did you get all that?
(TABITHA steps forward, holding out a hand-held
recorder.)
TABITHA
Yep. Every word.
OSCAR
What’s this?
TABITHA
Well, it just so happens that my half-sister works for
CNN. I called her up and she can’t WAIT to get this
tape.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.

OSCAR
Oh, I see how we’re playing this. Guards, grab her.
(No one moves.)
OSCAR
I said, guards, grab her!
(Still, no one moves.)
OSCAR
(to those gathered)
Why aren’t you grabbing her?
DELILAH
Not really in my job description.
SAM
I’m more of a reading, bookworm type. I hate physical
violence.
OSCAR
(to extras)
What about all of you?
(They shrug.)
OSCAR
Unbelievable. Fine, I’ll do it.
(OSCAR gets up and advances on TABITHA. The other
tooth fairies get in his way.)
OSCAR
Get out of my way.
TEDDY
No. Your rain of dental terror has come to an end,
Oscar. Tabitha, get that tape to your sister. It should
make for interesting watching tonight.
TABITHA
Sure thing.
(TABITHA exits.)
OSCAR
You can’t do this! You’ll ruin me!
JACKSON
That’s the idea. Oh, and Oscar, you’re fired.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.

OSCAR
You can’t fire me, I’m the boss.
(BIG BOSS enters.)
BIG BOSS
Actually, I’M the boss.
(Everyone gasps.)
TILLER
Who’re you?
BIG BOSS
I’m the CEO of Continuum, Inc.
TERRENCE
(pointing to OSCAR)
Then who is he?
BIG BOSS
My son. I’ve been away on vacation and had no idea what
he was doing.
(to TEDDY)
I’m very sorry this all happened. It was always our
intention to make Infinity Paste available for adults
only. I had no idea that it turned kids into monsters.
OSCAR
(whining)
But Dad!
BIG BOSS
And as for you! You’re in big trouble when we get home!
Now, get in the car. We’re leaving.
(OSCAR exits, head hung low.)
JACKSON
What happens next?
BIG BOSS
We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us, actually. A lot of
damage control. Jackson, how would you like to run
things around here?
JACKSON
That’s tempting, sir, but I’ve recently accepted
another job offer.
BIG BOSS
I’m sorry to hear that.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.

(BIG BOSS turns to address TEDDY and the other

tooth fairies.)
BIG BOSS
As for you. Maybe we can work together in the future.
After all, tooth fairies and a toothpaste company
working side by side could make quite a profit.
TEDDY
With all due respect, sir, no. Thank you, but it’s
better the world goes back to not exactly knowing if we
exist or not.
BIG BOSS
Suit yourself.
(to his company)
Let’s go, everyone. We have a lot of work to do.
(BIG BOSS, DELILAH, SAM, and extras exit.)
TILLER
Well played, Teddy. Good job, my boy.
TEDDY
Thanks, Tiller.
TIK TOK
Yeah, not bad, man. I guess this means we can go back
to work, huh?
TERRENCE
Sweet. I was getting bored. It’ll be nice to be able to
buy that stuff I like...what’s it called?
TOLLBOOTH
Food?
TERRENCE
That’s it!
TULIP
Yeah, I could go for a big ol’ cheese burger right now.
(The others mumble in agreement and exit. TULIP
hangs back.)
TULIP
(to JACKSON and TEDDY)
How about you two? Coming?
TEDDY
We’ll be along in a moment.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 30.

(TULIP shrugs and exits.)

JACKSON
Looks like everything’s going to work out, huh?
TEDDY
Yep. And about our agreement.
JACKSON
Right.
(TEDDY pulls out a pair of wings or goes off-stage
to get them. He hands them to JACKSON.)
TEDDY
You start on Monday.
(Lights out.)
END PLAY