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CROCKER #1
There's no escaping Mr. Turner.
CROCKER #2
There's no escaping Mr. Turner.
CROCKER #3
I already said that.
CROCKER #1
No I said it. And are we gorgeous or
what?
ALL CROCKERS
There's no escaping the world's most
gorgeous army Mr. Turner.
Timmy does a matrix-esque spin into mid air out of the alley as he
avoids the laser blasts. Then - <SNAP!> He lands on the ground in
fast motion. Timmy strikes a super cool karate pose.
TIMMY
I just did. And nobody defeats "TEO"
master of the martial arts!!
COSMO
You may always be chosen last at
school for kickball or as a lab partner...
WANDA
...but in your trilogy wishes, you're
always the "Chosen One!!"
TIMMY
Hey, you guys look hungry! You want
Sweet and Sour Pork or KUNG POW!!
ALL CROCKERS
No thanks we're allergic to MSG...
Timmy then does an awesome spin kick and a force from his fists
blasts the Crockers out of frame. Then <ZHOOOMP!> 20 MORE
show up and surround Timmy.
WANDA
Timmy, get the ring! Get the ring!
TIMMY
Yeah, new trilogy wish, this one's not
fun any more.
CROCKER #1
What? We're totally fun. 'Cuz fun starts
with "F!"
The Crockers pull out papers graded with "F's!" and throw them at
Timmy but before they hit, Timmy phases away to -
Timmy phases into scene dressed like FRODO. WANDA and POOF
pop in as HOBBITS. Cosmo is GOLLUM.
TIMMY
Cool! I'm in Middle Earth!
WANDA
Here ya go, "Chosen One." One ring to
rule them all!
TIMMY
This is a teething ring?
WANDA
Oh sorry, Poof's teething.
TIMMY
Yeah, I know.
WANDA
Here you go! One ring to rule...
TIMMY
This is an Onion ring.
WANDA
I know I've got that freaky ring
somewhere. Oh - here it is!
She pulls out and hands the GOLDEN RING OF POWER to Timmy.
CUT CLOSE ON THE RING - then RACK FOCUS to see a HUGE
OMINOUS MOUNTAIN in the distance. CUT TO -
WANDA (CONT'D)
Only the Chosen One can take this ring
and drop it in the fires of Dark Mount
Gloom!
TIMMY
What? Are you telling me this mountain
is chocolate?
WANDA
Dark Chocolate. What? Can't I have
some fun on these wishes?
COSMO
Timmy, THROW THE RING IN THE LAVA!
COSMO (CONT'D)
Wow. That was anti-climactic.
TIMMY
How 'bout we have a little bit more
"action" in my next Chosen One Mega
Action Trilogy Wish?
WANDA
You got it!
TIMMY
Whoo-hooo. I'm Chosen-One-Magic-
Wizard-Boy: Timmy Totter playing
poofer-scoop!
COSMO
Timmy Totter? I prefer Tater Totters!
WANDA
You gotta try this Pretzel broom-stick.
TIMMY
That does it. I'm not making any more
wishes before breakfast.
WANDA
Oh no! It's the Ultimate-Bad-Nasty-
Wizard-Moldywart!
VICKY
It's not moldy, but it is indeed a wart. A-
HAHAHAHA!
Timmy weaves and dodges through the clouds as Moldywart
creates a GIANT BALL OF ENERGY and aims at Timmy. <POOF!>
Cosmo arrives on Wanda's broom with his tots.
COSMO
Timmy, before you get destroyed, can
you wish up KETCHUP.
JORGEN (O.S.)
Turner! Stop!
TIMMY
Cool! Jorgen got rid of Moldywart. And
now I can scoop the poof!
WANDA
Uh, now he got rid of Cosmo! And -
Ahhhh!
TIMMY
Yes!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Hey, what gives? We're playing a game
here!
Jorgen flies up and stops. He raises his big wand and aims it right
at Timmy. He's very serious.
JORGEN
The fun times are over;
This is not a game;
Remain in the shadows;
Do not speak your name!
TIMMY
Um, you're freaking me out, dude.
Jorgen aims, <KA-ZAAP> hits the target, and knocks Timmy off his
broom!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
AAAAAAAAAGH!
TIMMY
OOF! Huh...a trilogy wish with a twist
ending. I'll wish up another sequel after
school: "The Chosen One 4! Jorgen's a
Jerk!"
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Cosmo? Wanda? Poof?
(Beat: no answer)
Okay, guess I'll meet up with them
later.
TIMMY
Hey, Dad. Mom, can I get some cereal?
Something crunchy that's bad for me?
Preferably with a toy in the box?
DAD
Honey? Why is a bucktoothed street
urchin wearing a pink hat calling us
'Mom and Dad' and asking for food?
TIMMY
Um, 'cuz I'm your son?
MOM
But we don't have a son. We decided
against having children so we could
have more money, less responsibility
and weekends free!
DAD
Yeah! Having kids would only tie us
down and prevent us from doing fun
things like going to this weekend's big
M.A.R.F. Festival!
TIMMY
The "Middle Aged Rock Festival?"
They pop into "air guitar" poses then their backs CRACK!
DAD
Maybe we are too old! TO THE HEATING
PADS!
MOM
Grab a muffin and let yourself out,
street urchin.
TIMMY
Street Urchin? M.A.R.F Festival? Eh...I've
had weirder mornings.
Timmy grabs A MUFFIN, but it's glowing exactly like the muffin in
"Abra Catastrophe."
TIMMY (CONT'D)
No, not that one.
TIMMY
Cosmo? Wanda? Where the heck are
they? Well, if I have to face the
educational system without magic, I
better be prepared.
TIMMY
Hey guys! Where's my seat?
CHESTER
Wow! A new kid who doesn't know
we're not cool!
TIMMY
What are you talking about? I know
you're not cool. And it's me. Hellooo.
AJ
I'm AJ the class genius, new kid! You
can have my seat. I'll stand!
TIMMY
Guys, I'm not a...
CROCKER (O.S.)
NEW KID! Don't you know these kids
aren't cool? AJ!
CROCKER (CONT'D)
Man, I love megaphones. Okay class,
today's assignment is to think of clever
ways to destroy the New Kid's self
esteem.
TIMMY
But I'm not a new kid. Look, I've even
done the homework you assigned on
the Big Dipper...
CROCKER
Hmm. An over-achieving suck up. I like
it. <INTO BULLHORN> But F!
CROCKER (CONT'D)
That's how we roll in the fifth grade.
And everyone knows there's no such
thing as the Big Dipper!
TIMMY
The Big Dipper doesn't exist?
AJ
Where'd you move here from?
"Dumbsville?"
TIMMY
I've lived here my whole life! What's
wrong with you guys?
(to Chester & AJ)
I'm your best friend!
(to Francis)
You beat me up every day!
(to Trixie)
And I've been in love with you since
Kindergarten!
CROCKER
Awkward.
TIMMY
First my parents, now you guys? What's
wrong with everyone? Look at me! I'm
Timmy!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
TIMMY TURNER!
ELIMINATOR
Timmy Turner. Eliminate Timmy Turner.
TIMMY
Uh, what the heck is that?
CHESTER
Wow! Another new kid!
CHESTER (CONT'D)
...who shoots deadly lasers!
CROCKER
Okay class, new assignment...
CROCKER (CONT'D)
Run...For...Your...LIFE! AAAGH!
Crocker and the kids panic and run outside through the hole.
<SCREAMING WALLA!> Timmy hides behind a DESK as the
Eliminator comes closer.
TIMMY
Nobody knows who I am, my fairies are
missing, the Big Dipper's gone, and a
huge robot is trying to waste me.
ELIMINATOR
Eliminate Timmy Turner.
TIMMY
It's official. This is the weirdest morning
ever!
OUTSIDE - SAME
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Thank you, AJ.
ELIMINATOR POV: his red target eye zooms into Timmy escaping
away down the road. "Target Located" flashes.
CROCKER
Okay everyone back to class, fix the
wall and write a 1,000,000 word report
on the negative effects of evil robotic
new kids!
CROCKER (CONT'D)
And I'm off to the MARF Festival, 'cuz
you're never too old to rock and roll!
DOWNTOWN - SAME
TIMMY
Ahhh! I gotta find Cosmo and Wanda
and WISH THIS ROBO-DORK AWAY!
ELIMINATOR
Eliminate Timmy Turner.
TIMMY
That was close. AAAAGH!
TIMMY
Don't eliminate me! I'm not...
JORGEN
TIMMY TURNER!
TIMMY
Jorgen! Man, am I glad to see you! And
to see somebody who knows me!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
And now I'm not so glad.
JORGEN
DUCK!
Timmy ducks as Jorgen fires a laser blast over his head at the
Eliminator who's lowering (on foot jets) in the alley behind Timmy!
<KA-BLAM!> The Eliminator is knocked back into the
wall...CRASH! It struggles to get up.
TIMMY
What is that thing?!
JORGEN
I told you not to say your name, like I
sorta just did. They have really good
hearing!
The Eliminator gets up, and suddenly its mouth morphs into a
super-creepy BLACK HOLE VORTEX that sucks things from the alley
in until they vanish! Garbage cans, loose garbage, a cat....
TIMMY
And a really big mouth!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Aaagh! Help!
As Timmy is lifted off the ground and pulled towards the vortex,
Jorgen grabs his hand and holds him back, but the pull is strong!
Jorgen holds on to a fire escape.
JORGEN
Hang on!
ANNOUNCER
...you're listening to K.R.E.P.: "creepy
music for those creepy alley cliff-
hangers!"
JORGEN
I hate this station!
JORGEN (CONT'D)
Ooops.
TIMMY
Aaagh!
JORGEN
Noooooo!
FADE OUT.
ACT II
JORGEN
Timmy! Hang on!
TIMMY
To what?
JORGEN
Good point!
JORGEN (CONT'D)
Now to shut that pie-hole with a man-
hole!
ELIMINATOR
Destroy Timmy Turner.
JORGEN
Although I sympathize with your
sentiments, I cannot allow that to
happen at this time!
JORGEN (CONT'D)
Hop on my hog and hold me tight!
JORGEN (CONT'D)
Okay, that came out wrong - just get on
this motorcycle and brace yourself to
move very quickly!
TIMMY
Ahhhhh!!!
MOM
There goes that street urchin! Oooh, it
looks like he's having fun.
DAD
But not as much fun as we're gonna
have cruising in the MARF Machine on
our way to the MARF festival! Now to
make sure we have enough "goodies"
to keep this road trip rockin'!
DAD (CONT'D)
Antacids? Check. Antihistamine? Check.
Ibuprofen? Check! And the nasal spray
for my deviated septum.
MOM
Let's party!
CROCKER
Hey fellow Marfers. I'm going to the
Middle Aged Rock Festival too! And I
could use a ride.
DAD
Well, gas, glasses or aspirin? Nobody
rides for free!
Crocker pulls out a GAS CAN, some EYE GLASSES and a BOTTLE OF
ASPIRIN.
CROCKER
Let's M.A.R.F!
They all hop into the van. Dad fires it up; they pull out of the
driveway, drive down to the corner and stop at a gas station. Mom
runs out of the van.
MOM
Middle-Aged Bladder! Potty break!
DAD/CROCKER
Right behind you!
TIMMY
He's gaining on us. Oh, and by the way
- WHO IS HE??
JORGEN
There will be time for explanations
when you are safe!
TIMMY
So I take it this is a bad time?
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Shouldn't you be SLOWING DOWN??
Jorgen hits the gas and <KA-BLAM!> The motorcycle vanishes just
before it hits the wall leaving a trail of flaming skid marks (like in
Back to the Future).
LEAD ELIMINATOR
He got away.
ELIMINATOR #1
You smell good.
ELIMINATOR #2
That fragrance captures your essence.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
And we need to capture and eliminate
Timmy Turner.
ELIMINATOR
You should lose the boa though.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Too much? Right.
JORGEN
Whew! That was a close one.
Jorgen gets off the bike. Timmy, fed up, grabs Jorgen's wand and
aims it at him.
TIMMY
What's going on? How come you're the
only one that knows me, and where're
Cosmo and Wanda? WHERE'RE ALL THE
FAIRIES? I want answers!
Jorgen holds out his hand and the wand returns to him.
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Darn!
JORGEN
Now hang on to me again. We have a
long road ahead of us. But know one
thing: all the fairies are safe and hidden
where the enemy cannot find them.
We push through the dingy diner. A few TRUCK DRIVERS eat at the
counter. They eat then spit out their food. We PUSH IN on a
GUMBALL MACHINE.
WANDA
Ah! Where are we? Last thing I
remember is Jorgen pulling us out of
Timmy's trilogy wish!
COSMO
And the last thing I remember is you
saying "the last thing you remember
was Jorgen pulling us out of Timmy's
trilogy wish!
POOF
Poof!
CUPID
Gasp! We're in a gumball machine!
TOOTH FAIRY
I hope we're sugarless!
COSMO
Every fairy in Fairy World must be in
here!
JUANDISSIMO
I'm more of a fireball than a gumball. At
least we're not at the bottom like Binky.
BINKY (O.S.)
Hi guys.
WANDA
Well, I don't know why Jorgen put us in
here, but we're getting out! (Beat) Oh
no! Our wands are gone!
COSMO
And our hands are gone!
TOOTH FAIRY
But at least we're safe.
COSMO
Not safe!
ALL FAIRIES
Oh no! He got Binky!
BINKY
I don't want to be a gumball!
The kid puts the Binky gumball in his mouth and chews.
ALL FAIRIES
Aaagh! The horror!
Jorgen swings through the Trees like Tarzan. Timmy holds onto his
back for dear life.
JORGEN
Don't let go!
JORGEN
You could have let go that time.
TIMMY
We're back here again?? This is where
we started.
JORGEN
You've got to be kidding me.
TIMMY
What are we looking for anyway?
Jorgen shows Timmy an ANCIENT MAP OF FAIRYWORLD.
JORGEN
The "Cave of Destiny". It's where all
your questions will be answered.
TIMMY
You mean like that cave up there?
JORGEN
I can't believe I missed that.
TIMMY
Hang on tight!
TORCHES light up the cave. Timmy looks around: BATS fly above;
SKELETONS lay in the dirt; RATS run on the ground.
TIMMY
The Cave of Destiny is creepy.
JORGEN
Oh, these are just from last year's
Halloween party - I don't remember
much from it - good party.
TIMMY
Okay, where was I, oh yeah - WHAT'S
GOING ON? <VOICE ECHOS!>
JORGEN
Maybe these pretty pictures will help.
Or as we call it on Fairyworld, The Cave
Prophecy.
TIMMY
The cave prophecy?
JORGEN
No. You're not saying it right. Go with
the echo: "The Caaaaaave Prophecy".
<THE WORDS ECHO!> Jorgen holds his wand closer to the wall,
and we see PAINTINGS: crude images of warrior fairies looking buff
and strong.
JORGEN (CONT'D)
In ancient fairy times, a fairy's main job
was to fight, not frolic!
JORGEN (CONT'D)
They constantly battled a mysterious
enemy called the Darkness...
JORGEN (V.O.)
...and it's Agents of Destruction: The
Eliminators.
All the remaining Fairy Warriors fly up into the sky and face off
with the Darkness with their wands raised.
JORGEN (V.O.)
But our ancient ancestors feared that
this mysterious foe would come back.
ON THE DARK EMPTY SKY - The fairy soldiers zoom past camera
and disappear into infinity. Suddenly, the sky alights with millions
of twinkling lights - THE STARS!
RIPPLE TO:
TIMMY
(riveted)
Amazing! Do you have any popcorn?
Jorgen walks to a CONCESSION STAND in the cave and goes
behind the counter to get POPCORN.
JORGEN
Small, medium or large?
TIMMY
Surprise me!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
So the stars in space are really fairy
warriors watching out for the Darkness?
JORGEN
Yes - they are our first warning system -
and last night our deepest outpost,
"The Big Dipper Brigade" just
disappeared.
TIMMY
The Big Dipper! That's why Crocker said
it didn't exist!
JORGEN
Yes. I had to wipe away all memory of its
existence so people wouldn't freak out!
TIMMY
So this is great, but how does this
affect me?
JORGEN
I'm not finished...
JORGEN (CONT'D)
Our ancestors then hid an all powerful
magic wand that could destroy the
Darkness should it ever return. And to
protect the "one wand" from falling into
the wrong hands they decided that only
a "Chosen One" could possess it and
unlock its true powers.
TIMMY
Cool. Where is it?
JORGEN
No one knows. But it's said that this
cryptic message reveals its location. So
far, no one has been able to solve this
ancient riddle.
TIMMY
"The Wand is hidden in a rock and
sealed with a Kiss!" What does that
mean?
JORGEN
You tell me because the "Chosen One"
is YOU, TIMMY TURNER!!!!
TIMMY
WHAT!?!
JORGEN
Yes! Check it out: pink hat, big teeth, initials T. T.
- And I'm not the only one who knows it!
TIMMY
The Eliminators were here? They know
I'm the "Chosen One"? And you just
said my name out loud!
JORGEN
Oh, crud. And it echoed a bit too, didn't
it?
TIMNY
Man that thing looks terrifying.
JORGEN.
<2 SNIFFS> But they smell great. And
we have them outnumbered.
JORGEN
Had. We had them out numbered!
TIMMY
Get us outta here!!!
JORGEN
You must find the great White Wand
and use it to destroy The Darkness!
That is why the Eliminators want to
stop you! And my job is to protect you
as you solve the riddle that will reveal
its location.
TIMMY
So start protecting!!!
Jorgen swerves the bike away and heads down another street! The
Eliminators morph into vehicles and follow!
ON TIMMY AND JORGEN - CONTINUOUS
They're out racing the Eliminators on their tail when THREE MORE
ELIMINATORS (8) arrive in front of them!! Their mouths open into
their creepy mini black holes...
JORGEN
Hang on while I poof us out of here!
Jorgen pulls out his wand and holds it above his head - suddenly
<WHA-PANG!!!> It hits a street sign that reads: "WATCH FOR LOW
SIGNS." The wand is ripped from his hands.
JORGEN (CONT'D)
The ironic thing is - I put that sign up!
JORGEN (CONT'D)
Hang on!
The fairy motor-cycle crashes into some boxes. Jorgen and Timmy
go flying - then land and roll behind some crates.
TIMMY
Listen...as the Chosen One, I choose
not to be the Chosen One. I've never
been chosen for anything! Not kick ball!
Not lab partner! Why? Because I'm a
bad choice.
JORGEN
The cave prophecy does not lie. Don't
worry, I have a plan.
TIMMY
Thank goodness.
JORGEN
If it's you they want, it's you they'll get.
TIMMY
I hate that plan.
Jorgen lifts up his pant leg and grabs a MINI-WAND strapped to his
ankle. He waves it and POOF! He's a replica of Timmy!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Plan's getting better.
JORGEN
Good luck Timmy Turner. You were a
pain in my butt, but...well, that's all I
got. Good luck.
TIMMY
Where are you going?
JORGEN
For you to go on, the Darkness must
believe you have been eliminated.
Remember the wand is hidden in a
rock! Sealed with a Kiss!
WIDER - Jorgen/Timmy steps out from behind the boxes with his
hands up in surrender. The Lead Eliminator opens his mouth,
releasing the black hole which sucks in loose warehouse debris
and Jorgen/Timmy!
JORGEN (CONT'D)
AAAGGHHH!!
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Finally, we have the Chosen One.
ELIMINATOR #1
Can we stay - we saw some cool shops
on Main Street.
ELIMINATOR #2
Yeah, no one said you were the boss of
us and...
<SHOOMP!> He sucks them in. Then, the Lead Eliminator
disappears into its own black hole closing the vortex, leaving
nothing. It's calm. Timmy exits from behind the boxes.
TIMMY
Hello? Jorgen?
TIMMY
Hello? Jorgen? Anybody? I can't stop the
Darkness by myself! How do I find the
wand? How do I get back to Earth?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO
DOOOOOOOOO????
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Wait a minute. All those stars are fairy
warriors ready to stop the Darkness!
Yahoo! I'm NOT alone!!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
AAAAAGH!!!!
INT. M. E. R. F. - SAME
AGENT #1
What's with the MERF alarms?
AGENT #2
It's probably nothing, but it seems that
every star in the sky has completely
vanished.
AGENT #1
Hmm. You're right! It's probably
nothing.
AGENT #1 (CONT'D)
EVERY STAR IN THE SKY HAS
VANISHED!?
AGENT #2
We should put out an emergency
broadcast letting the population of
Earth know that an alien attack is
imminent?
AGENT #1
Yes. The people have a right to know
what's going on. Or...
Dad and Mom listen to the radio. We see TREES moving past the
window as Dad and Mom endure a bumpy ride.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
...in other news, the government has
announced that they've turned off the
stars to conserve energy!
DAD
Oooh! I totally believe that! We have
such a great government!
MOM
And they'd never lie to us! Because
deceiving people is wrong!
CROCKER
Fan belt's fixed! Let's MARF and roll
baby!
Denzel hops in and the van takes off. Then the van stops. They all
run out and separately dash behind trees to pee.
TIMMY
Okay, don't panic, Turner. You're the Chosen One.
All you have to do is get back to Earth, get the
dumb wand, and defeat "The Darkness,"
whatever that is.
TIMMY (CONT'D)
And that must be it. AHHHHH! How do I
get back to Earth?
(beat - eureka)
Wait! Jorgen's Fairy Cycle!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Awesome! I'll just blast through this
portal and then to Earth! Stand back,
Darkness! 'Cuz here comes the Chosen
One!
Timmy guns the throttle and the bike shoots forward. It throws
Timmy off and goes through the portal without him. The portal
closes. Timmy is all alone again.
DAD
Yes! We're finally leaving Dimmsdale. MARF
Festival here we come!
The van takes off; a PORTAL opens, and Jorgen's bike comes
screaming out, smashing into the van!!
DAD/MOM/CROCKER
AAAAAGH!!
DAD
Does anyone else see the irony here?
MOM
Let's not panic. It's not like we're stuck
all alone in space with no one to help
us while the world is coming to an end.
CROCKER
Ooh, that would suck big toes wouldn't
it?
TIMMY
Helllllpppp!!!!
The Darkness swirls and is getting closer. Timmy looks up. It's
getting windy and Timmy's getting nervous.
TIMMY
OK, no problem. I'm the Chosen One
and I just gotta find a mystical wand
and stop that big scary thing that's
about to eat Fairyworld and I'M IN
FAIRYWORLD!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Think Turner. What fairy goes back and
forth to Earth more than anybody?
<OMITTED>
TIMMY
Bingo. Tooth Fairy Enterprises.
TIMMY
Home of the legendary "Quarter
Transporter!" Every time an Earth kid
puts a tooth under their pillow, it comes
here and is replaced by cold hard cash.
TIMMY (CONT'D)
But today I'm making it the "Turner
Returner!"
TIMMY (CONT'D)
I hope this works!
Timmy hops on the conveyor belt and gets sucked into one of the
tubes just in time!
KID #1
I wonder what the Toothfairy left!
TIMMY
Shhhh. I'm the Chosen One.
KID #1
No, you're a crazy thief who stole my
quarter! Mommy! Quarter Thief!!
KID #1
My dad's a cop!
TIMMY
Aaaagh!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
That was quick.
TIMMY (CONT'D)
And there's no way I can locate this
wand on my own. I gotta find Cosmo
and Wanda. WHERE ARE YOU COSMO
AND WANDA!?
COSMO
He's still chewing Binky!
KID
Eh...this one lost its flavor.
The kid puts the Binky gum wad on the table. <SPLOIK!> But then,
Binky's eyes pop open. He's in shock.
BINKY
(pained) It's horrible in there, and he
recently had nachos!
KID
Oooh, a tasty pink gumball!
COSMO
Wanda! NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Cosmo bounces towards the kid and knocks Wanda from his hand -
the kid tosses Cosmo in. The kid begins to <CHEW!>
WANDA
Cosmo! My hero!
JUANDISSIMO
Wanda, I feel terrible for your loss.
Wanna go out?
Poof, makes a tough face and rolls into Juandissimo like a cue ball,
knocking him all over the table. <GAH!>
<OMITTED>
WANDA
Nice shot sweetie - and look!
COSMO
Anyone up for a balloon ride to
freedom??!
Cosmo floats down and with his sticky, chewed gum bottom, grabs
Wanda and Poof and floats away!!
WANDA
Cosmo! You saved us!!
COSMO
Hang on to my bubble butt, baby!!
JUANDISSIMO
Quick! Everyone! Into the gross kid's
mouth!
The fairy gumballs jump into the kid's mouth! His face swells up
with gum. He <CHEWS> terrified and falls over.
WANDA
Float towards Dimmsdale! We have to
make sure Timmy's not in any trouble.
They pass a sign: "Dimmsdale 120 miles." Then the wind picks up
and blows them away from Dimmsdale.
COSMO
And by Dimmsdale, you mean float
wherever the wind takes us - whee!
TIMMY
The Chosen One was alone in the city,
but he knew if he could find his fairies
he could solve the ancient riddle and
locate the-GAH!
A BUS arrives behind him. The doors fly open, slamming Timmy up
against the bus. <GAH!> A TOUR GUIDE gets off with a TOUR
GROUP.
TOUR GUIDE
Okay, follow me to see "The Kiss,"
Shcmodin's most famous sculpture,
here at the Dimmsdale Art Museum!
TIMMY
"The Kiss?" Wait a second...
Timmy's POV: the tour group walks up the steps to THE MUSEUM
(think the Met in NYC). Timmy looks up. He sees a huge banner for
Schmodin's "the Kiss"
TIMMY (CONT'D)
The White Wand is "hidden in the rock
and sealed with a kiss!" I don't need
Cosmo and Wanda, the wand is in that
statue! This looks like a job for the
Chosen One.
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Ooops, I don't have a Chosen One
costume. (looks up) Cool.
TOUR GUIDE
Considered priceless, the statue is 500
years old. More than a work of art, it's a
work of magic!
<OMITTED>
A tourist goes to touch it. The TG slaps his hand away. A GREEK
CATAPULT rolls in. Timmy pushes past PATRONS.
TIMMY
What's goin' on? How's trix?
He stops, then pulls the lever, launches a ROCK and pulverizes the
statue.
TOUR GUIDE
SUFFERING STATUES!!!
TIMMY
Don't panic! I'm the Chosen One. I'm
saving your lives.
TOUR GUIDE
You're a statue smasher! SECURITY!
TIMMY
Where's the wand? THERE'S NO WAND!
There's no wand. Nothing. SECURITY GUARDS arrive.
SECURITY GUARD #1
Freeze Statue Smasher!
SECURITY GUARD #2
Hey! He's also the Quarter Thief!!
TIMMY
And that's when the Chosen One
decided to RUN...
TIMMY (CONT'D)
AND GRAB A DISGUISE!
He runs past the MONA LISA painting, rips the face off the painting
and runs out the front door.
Timmy - with the Mona Lisa face covering his own - is suddenly
surrounded by COP CARS.
COP
Freeze!
COP (CONT'D)
And tell us mysterious lady - have you
seen this evil perpetrator?
TIMMY
Um, no. I - uh feel pretty.
COP
Thanks trustworthy citizen with a
renaissance smile. Move out boys!
The cops and the mob leave. Timmy peels off his mask.
TIMMY
No wonder I'm the Chosen One. I'm
gooood.
Timmy throws the wanted poster away and dashes o.s. The poster
lands on the sidewalk. Beat. Suddenly, a large LEATHER BOOT
steps next to it. A METAL HAND picks it up. We see the Lead
Eliminator with two other Eliminators.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
The Chosen One is here. We were
fooled. Find him.
ELIMINATOR #1
And we will. Right after we hit this
sweet pink shirt shop.
ELIMINATOR #2
Oh, you're the only one who gets to
wear cool Earth clothes?
LEAD ELIMINATOR
(beat.) Hurry up.
TIMMY
I know Jorgen erased everyone's
memory of Timmy Turner, but let's just
hope he didn't erase....
TIMMY (CONT'D)
...the Timmy Cave!
Timmy jumps onto the pole and slides down. The mailbox tips
back to its original position.
INT. TIMMY CAVE - CONTINUOUS
TIMMY
I knew the Fairy Snacking Tracking
device would pay off someday!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Las Vegas? Okay, not a problem
because I have the inviso-cycle!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Where is it? Okay, looks like I'm going
with the NORMAL CYCLE!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Time to Rock and Road! And this time
I'm gonna hang on tight.
The mailbox rises, and Timmy zooms out - flies in the air and
crashes into a MERF MOBILE
AGENT #2
Well-well, just the man MERF's looking
for.
ON: Timmy. PRISON BARS slam over his face! PULL WIDE to see
that we're now in - A MERF INTERROGATION ROOM!!
AGENT #1
You're in a lot of trouble, Mister.
Because according to our records, you
have no records. You don't exist.
AGENT #2
And that's why you're at the Military
Extraterrestrial Research Facility.
M.E.R.F. for short.
AGENT #1
You're an alien from the future sent
back to change the course of history,
aren't you? So what are you after, the
President, an ebola strain, Tom Cruise?
TIMMY
I'm not an alien.
AGENT #1
Well these pictures of you on a hover
craft being chased through Dimmsdale
by a shape shifting man-bot suggest
otherwise.
AGENT #2
And these photos were taken an hour
ago.
TIMMY
Wait. The Eliminators are back??
AGENT #2
If I were you I'd surrender now, and let
us start dissecting you.
TIMMY
I'm not an alien! And, unless I find a
magic wand hidden in a rock and
sealed with a kiss those guys and a
giant star destroying black hole are
going to eat us.
AGENT #2
Do you think this is a joke? Do you think
we're idiots?
AGENT #1
Well I got news for you. They don't give
high-tech neural stun rays to idiots.
AGENT #2
Or laser blasters able to cut concrete
walls five feet thick?
AGENT #1
And you sure don't get a super spy car
with a trunk full of spy stuff unless you
know what you're doing!
AGENT #2
So we ask again - WHO ARE YOU??
AGENT #1/AGENT #2
Gah!/Goik!
The Agents are motionless. Timmy grabs the laser blaster and
calmly cuts a hole in the thick concrete wall.
TIMMY
I'm the Chosen One.
Timmy jumps out the hole in the wall.
AGENT #1
(paralyzed/teeth clenched)
I hope he doesn't take the car.
<VROOM!> Timmy drives the CAR past the hole in the wall.
TIMMY
Now to find Cosmo and Wanda by
linking this computer to the Timmy
Cave Super Computer.
TIMMY COMPUTER
Targets located over outskirts of Las
Vegas.
TIMMY
Whoo-hoo! Now to get my fairies and
get away from the Eliminators!
WAITRESS
What'll it be, fellas?
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Do you have any uranium?
WAITRESS
Uh...no.
ELIMINATOR #2
We'll have the chicken fingers.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
You guys look stupid.
ELIMINATOR #2
That's because you're stupid.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
What?
KID
DON'T EAT THE GUMBALLS! They
scream when you chew them! And they
have eyes!! EYES!
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Next time use a straw.
CHET U. BETCHA
This is Chet U. Betcha on the
Convenient News Network! The quarter
thief slash statue smasher is on the
loose and last seen heading towards
Las Vegas. But just like all the stars
being gone from the sky, the
government assures us we have
nothing to worry about.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Let's go to Las Vegas.
The Eliminators turn into their "Jet Plane" selves and take off.
Then, they come back and grab the chicken.
TIMMY
According to this, Cosmo and Wanda
are right in front of me! But I don't
see...
TIMMY/COSMO/WANDA
AAAAAAAGH!
The car shoots off the road and spins to a stop. Timmy looks at his
wind-shield. It's Cosmo. Wanda and Poof are stuck to his gummy
butt.
WANDA/COSMO/POOF
Timmy!/Poof!
TIMMY
Cosmo! Wanda! Poof!
Timmy gets out and peels Cosmo off the windshield. Cosmo still
floats - he's not popped.
TIMMY (CONT'D)
I missed you so much! Wait, you're
gumballs?
TIMMY (CONT'D)
And Poof's still teething!
(pulls Poof off.)
Jorgen said he had to protect you, but
this is what he came up with?
WANDA
Protect us - from what?
TIMMY
I'm not sure if this is gonna make sense
but - The Darkness is back.
COSMO/WANDA
THE DARKNESS IS BACK!
TIMMY (CONT'D
And you've got to help me find an
ancient white wand because I'm the
Chosen One.
WANDA
HAHAHA! Okay, the Darkness I can buy,
but you as the Chosen One?
TIMMY
Hey, so far I've been an awesome
Chosen One.
COSMO
And I suppose you want us to believe
that the Eliminators are chasing you,
too!
TIMMY
Yes, but they can't find me as long as
you don't say my name.
COSMO
Y'mean TIMMY TURNER?
TIMMY
I should have seen that coming.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Eliminate the Chosen One.
WANDA/COSMO
Okay, we believe you now.
The Eliminator's arms turn into cannons. They blast laser balls at
Timmy. <BLAST!> Timmy jumps behind the spy car.
TIMMY
Ah! But thank goodness you guys are
here! You can stop the Eliminators with
magic!
WANDA
Uh...we don't have our wands.
TIMMY
Ahhh! I can't believe it's all gonna end
while I hide behind a spy car full of cool
weapons and gadgets! Wait a minute...
TIMMY (CONT'D)
Yeah, that'll work.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Eliminate the Chosen rnnn...
The plasma sticks to their arms, legs and bodies. They look like
gooey, tar-covered snowmen.
TIMMY
Awesome! And now to help you guys
get back to fairy form.
Timmy takes Cosmo, Wanda and Poof gum and chews them up.
COSMO
How is this helping??
Timmy blows three big BUBBLES, each with a fairy face on them.
Then he "sculpts" tiny, little gummy bodies under the bubbles and
creates gummy versions of the fairies.
TIMMY
There! Back to normal...sorta.
COSMO
I hate being gum. What happens if we
break wind?
COSMO (CONT'D)
Cool! I like being gum!
WANDA
Do not pop that bubble.
TIMMY
Okay, let's go find that wand!
Timmy revs the engine and <ZOOOM!> The bike takes off without
them. They all fall onto the ground.
WANDA
You stink at riding motorcycles!
COSMO
And now you've got bigger problems.
AGENT #1
Freeze, Quarter Stealing, Statue
Smashing, Spy Car Thief!
TIMMY
And even bigger problems.
WANDA
Don't pop that either.
FADE OUT.
END ACT III.
ACT FOUR
Timmy, Wanda, Cosmo and Poof (Cosmo and Poof have bubble
butts) are surrounded by the M.E.R.F. Agents and their hover
crafts. The Darkness looms in the sky.
AGENT #1
Timmy Turner, we're placing you under
arrest by order of M.E.R.F!
AGENT #2
Not to be confused with M.A.R.F., which
we have tickets to tonight!
AGENT #1
By the way, cool balloon animal
thingies.
TIMMY
Do you guys not see the giant swirling
portal of death? Don't you want to do
something to stop it? Call a General!
Call the President!
AGENT #2
Can't. They're all going to M.A.R.F.. It's
gonna be awesome...
AGENT #1
We're gonna rock out to Crosby, Stills,
Ashes and Neil Not-Young...
AGENT #2
...Backman Turner Overthehill and the
MARFiest band in the world KISS!!
JORGEN
....find the white wand....
JORGEN (CONT'D)
...it's hidden in the rock and...
TIMMY
....SEALED WITH A KISS! The White
Wand is a guitar at the M.A.R.F. Festival
starring KISS!!
WANDA
We gotta get that guitar, so you can
stop the Darkness!!
All the Agents set their blasters to stun and take aim.
AGENT #2
You're not going anywhere.
AGENT #1
Any last words before you're freeze
blasted and dissected?
TIMMY
Yes, (to wanda) Wanda get ready to pop
the bubbles.
AGENT #2
I don't get your young hip lingo but
ready - aim...
They fire! Timmy and Wanda pop Cosmo and Poof's butt bubbles
and shoot into the sky causing all the agents to freeze themselves
in their own crossfire.
Timmy and Wanda float back down holding Cosmo and Poof.
Timmy takes the blasters from the agents.
TIMMY
Like I said before - don't mess with the
Chosen One.
COSMO
Or Captain Bubblepants!
IN THE COCKPIT -
TIMMY
Now to hit auto pilot and get this hunk
of MERF to MARF.
WANDA
Wait! Where's Poof!
TIMMY
Gaahhhh!
WANDA
We gotta get that kid a teething ring
after we stop the Darkness.
The flames shoot out, bake, harden the goop, and imprison the
Eliminators. Beat. The goopy shells begin to crumble. <KA-
BLAM!!> The Eliminators break free!!
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Eliminate the Chosen One!
The Hover Jet lands right in front of the arena Timmy, Cosmo,
Wanda and Poof jump out and run to the entrance.
An USHER works the turnstile as Timmy and gang run up.
TIMMY
I have to get into this festival. It's a
long story, but I'm the Chosen One.
USHER
No one gets in without a ticket or a
backstage pass.
TIMMY
Oh, really? Okay, here's my backstage
pass.
USHER
Enjoy the show.
ANNOUNCER
Give it up for KISS!
GENE SIMMONS
Are you too old to rock and roll?
CROWD
Nooooo!!!
CROWD (CONT'D)
AAAH, OUR BACKS!!
ON THE DOORS: they swing open. Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda and Poof
arrive with a backlit hero glow around them.
WANDA
BUT HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET
ONTO THE STAGE TO GET IT?
TIMMY
Shpingo!
COSMO
Wow, this place is Rockin'!
TIMMY
Yeah, but it's not because of KISS...
TIMMY
Just grab the other end of the line and
lower me down; I'll snag the white and
you pull me back up!
Timmy clips a WIRE to his vest, jumps off the catwalk and-
TIMMY/ACE
Aaagh!/Ooof!
WANDA
I thought you were holding the line!
COSMO
What line?
ON STAGE - CONTINUOUS
GENE SIMMONS
Now, let's hear a guitar solo!
TIMMY
Would you believe I'm the Chosen One.
KISS
THE CHOSEN ONE???!
TIMMY
So you don't believe.
ON KISS - CONTINUOUS
GENE SIMMONS
We are The Galactic Guardians of the
White Wand!
TIMMY
I thought you were KISS.
PAUL STANLEY
That's our day job. We've protected the
White Wand for centuries.
TIMMY
Centuries? Wow, you guys are older
than you look.
PAUL STANLEY
Why do you think we wear the makeup?
GENE SIMMONS
And we knew that, someday, either an
agent of the Darkness or a Chosen
savior would come to claim it.
COSMO (O.S.)
Almost there, Timmy!
GENE SIMMONS
If you're the Chosen One, you must
prove it - and you might want to hurry.
TIMMY
Okay, okay! How do I prove it???
GENE SIMMONS
Bequeath to us the chosen harkness,
and this ax is yours to light the
darkness.
TIMMY
What the HECK DOES THAT MEAN?
COSMO
We made it!
WANDA
Timmy! They can't give you the wand
until you recite the "Chosen One Creed"
or say some ancient code or something.
TIMMY
But I don't know any code. All I know is
I was erased from everyone's
memories; I barely escaped being
destroyed by the "eliminators", figured
out an impossible KISS riddle, got
chased by MERF to get to MARF, only to
have you tell me I need a secret code
which I don't have because I'm plain ol
Timmy Turner!
TIMMY (CONT'D)
I said my name out loud didn't I?
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Eliminate the Chosen One.
The Lead Eliminator fires a laser blast from his arm that misses
Timmy but destroys an amplifier. They march down the aisle
shoving concert goers out of the way.
GENE SIMMONS
Okay, we believe you - the White Wand
is yours.
TIMMY
Finally! Now what do I do with it?
PAUL STANLEY
You're kidding right?
The Eliminators ARMS transform into COOL WEAPONS and aim
right at Timmy.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Show's over, Chosen One.
GENE SIMMONS
The show is never over! Time to rock
and roll!
PAUL STANLEY
Okay, all our weapons are bye-bye.
TIMMY
Not every weapon. Poof look - a
teething ring!
Poof sees the big ring weapon on the Lead Eliminator. His eyes go
wide, he drools, then zooms to it like a piranha and munches.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Get it off! Get it off!
Lead Eliminator shakes his arm with such force the ring flies off
and lands on the stage. Poof gnaws happily.
GENE
And now it's time for you to be
"Eliminated."
COSMO
That's what I call bad breath!
The Eliminator's arms turn into BLASTERS and start firing at our
heroes. They dive behind the large speakers.
TIMMY
You're not very good guardians.
GENE
Well, you're not the greatest Chosen
One either, bub.
CUT TO - The Eliminators are almost at the stage. They are still
blasting.
LEAD ELIMINATOR
Eliminate the Chosen One.
TIMMY
Well we gotta do something! An army is
not gonna fall from the sky and help us.
JUANDISSIMO (V.O.)
That's what you think, Chosen One!
COSMO
It's the other fairies! With bubble butts!
JUANDISSIMO
Bubble Butt Brigade, ATTACK!!
They pop their butts and zoom toward the Eliminators. <SPLAT!>
The Eliminators are coated with bubble goo. They struggle and
fall. They are stopped.
TIMMY
You did it. You stopped the Eliminators!
<RIIIIP!!!> The roof suddenly gets ripped off the stadium!! The
Darkness is here!!! <THE WIND HOWLS!!!>
TIMMY (CONT'D)
But not the Darkness.
JUANDISSIMO
We don't have enough gum to stop
that.
GENE SIMMONS
Light the Darkness Timmy. You're the
Chosen One! This is what you were
chosen for!
TIMMY
But I don't know how to play guitar!
GENE SIMMONS
Don't play it. Feel it.
PAUL STANLEY
Faster tempo! We don't have a lot of
time here!
Peter speeds up! The other guys join in on GUITAR. <THE BEAT
STARTS TO BUILD!> The audience - still paralyzed from back pain -
shakes their arms with the beat.
GUY IN CROWD
Oh great. A song from the "new" album.
PUSH IN ON: Timmy as the music fills his soul. Suddenly, his hand
starts glowing, and he plays a lead.
TIMMY
I...I feel it!
Timmy plays an Eddie Van Halen screaming lick up the neck of the
guitar. It's awesome! He ends with a <HIGH PITCHED NOTE> and
illuminates the instrument. The note builds and builds in feed
backed suspense until.....<KAPOW!!!>
PAUL STANLEY
Oooh, that's gotta hurt.
TIMMY
It feels pain?
GENE
Feels pains; speaks English. Who cares?
One more blast will eliminate the
Darkness!
TIMMY
Go away and never come back or I will
blast you. Go. Away.
GENE
You're talking to it? Talking to it doesn't
work!
WANDA
It's working!
JORGEN (O.S.)
...AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
<WHAM!> From the sky, Jorgen lands face first on the pavement
<OOF!>. He gets up, raises his arms in the air.
JORGEN (CONT'D)
HE DID IT! AND MAN IT WAS DARK IN
THERE!
The dust settles and everyone (Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda, Poof, and
KISS) get up. They look into the distant sky to see a small white
light retract into a star burst... then disappear. Some FANS peek up
from their seats.
GUY IN CROWD
Awesome light show.
COSMO
Is it over?
TIMMY
Now, it's over.
PAUL STANLEY
We prefer the term: "Magical Order of
Rocking Fairies".
COSMO
You mean "MORF?"
CROCKER
Hurray, we finally made it to "MARF?"
MOM
But we're too late.
DAD
And it looks like they really blew the lid
off the place too.
CROCKER
Where are the bathrooms?
GENE SIMMONS
(to Timmy) The Darkness is gone, but
you didn't Eliminate it. Why?
TIMMY
Because I'm the Chosen One, not an
Eliminator. And I don't think it's coming
back for a long, long time.
PAUL STANLEY
We should like, party.
WANDA
You did it, Timmy. You found the white
wand and stopped the Darkness.
Poof hugs Timmy.
COSMO
But how did you get your Mom, Dad
and Crocker the best seats at the
concert?
ON FRONT ROW: Mom, Dad, Crocker and the Agents rock out.
JORGEN
'Cuz he's the Chosen One, and I owe
him one. He saved my butt, but I'm
erasing all their memory of Fairyworld
when the show's over.
TIMMY
I like being the Chosen One.
WARRIOR
AT LAST! I, TURBO THUNDER, THE
CHOSEN ONE, HAVE COMPLETED MY
TRAINING - AND HAVE ARRIVED TO
OBTAIN THE WHITE WAND -AND TO
LIGHT THE DARKNESS!
WARRIOR (CONT'D)
And there it is! From titanium teeth and
pits of wonder, sing White Wand with
Turbo Thunder.
He uses "the force" to pull the wand from Timmy's hand and grab
it for himself.
WARRIOR (CONT'D)
STAND DOWN EVIL SPACE HOLE OF
DESTRUCTION!
WARRIOR (CONT'D)
Where's the big scary space hole.
There's supposed to be a big scary
space hole. AM I LATE?
TIMMY
Are you telling me, he's the Chosen
One? This whole time, it wasn't me?
JORGEN
What? You saw the cave drawing, too!
Pink hat. Buck teeth. T. T.? I'm not
perfect, okay?
WANDA
It doesn't matter, Timmy! You'll always
be OUR Chosen One.
They all hug. KISS hits a power chord, and Turbo Thunder gets
blown back into a speaker. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO SEE everyone
rocking out to the music of the Chosen One in a saved universe
without the Darkness.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS through the Stars and stops on a clear image
of the Big Dipper. We see that the stars in the constellation are
actually the stars on the ends of the wands of FAIRY SOLDIERS
who look like Jorgen.
ON A FAIRY SOLDIER - He's buff and tuff like the ancient fairy
warriors. He talks into a radio.
BIG DIPPER #1
This is Big Dipper Brigade. We are clear
in the night sky - no signs of the
Darkness. What is..? OH NO!!!!
PULL BACK at high speed to see that this warrior is the bright pan
handle light of the BIG DIPPER CONSTELLATION.
FADE OUT.
THE END...