An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, Im going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.The old guy obeys and says,99.The pretty doctor says, Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.Again, the old guy says, 99. The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. Im going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand Im going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99. The old guy begins, One Two Three

You dont stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

Mannerism
by Anurag Bhatia in Adult During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students:

Teacher : Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael: Just a minute I have to go pee. Teacher: That would be rude and impolite.

Teacher: What about you Peter, how would you say it? Peter: I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Ill be right back. Teacher: Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word Bathroom at the dinner table.

Teacher: And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brains for once And show us your good manners? Little Johnny: Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet after dinner. The teacher fainted..

It was the mailman`s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup`s bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but what`s the dollar for? Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, Fuck him, give him a dollar. The lady then said, The breakfast was my idea.

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?

But Dad, it wasnt my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her ass. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me! Johnny, the father said. You dont do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with another black eye. Johnnys father said, Johnny, I thought we had a talk! But Dad, Johnny said, It wasnt my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her ass. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesnt like this, so I pushed it back in!

Mad Cow Disease

by Anurag Bhatia in Adult Female reporter was interviewing 1 farmer regarding mad cow disease. Reporter : Sir, would you like to comments about the mad cow disease? Farmer : Lady, Do you know that bull and cow only mate once in a year ? Reporter : Sir, I respect your comments but we are in the programme for mad cow disease only. Farmer : Lady, and do you know that we squeeze cows breast for milk 4 times a day = 1460 times a year

? Reporter : Sir, but what has it got to do with mad cow disease ? (She was angry because the farmer had being talking !@#$ things. Farmer : lady, if I will to squeeze your breast 4 times a day = 1460 times a year but you only get mating once a year WILL YOU BE MAD???!!! A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son? He answers, I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business. Very well, my son, the nun answers. Please follow me. He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door. He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.?

Gabriels Horn
It was time for Father Johns Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father Johns nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily, Ive been saved. Saved? And how did that come about? asked the old nun. Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.

Did he now? said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock. Is that a fact? said the old nun even more evenly. At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved. That wicked old b@st@rd said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years.

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, Thisis amazing. How do you do it at your age? The old man grinned and said, You got to keep the old motor running. The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, Sir, you are something! How do you manage it? The old man grinned and said, You gotta keep the old motor running. A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it? The old man replied, Its like Ive told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running. The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess its time to change the oil. This one is black!

Charge for everything

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but Im actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. Why arent we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

by Anurag Bhatia in Adult A Chicago area (city or suburb) Guju couple, Rohit bhai and Mani ben, both well into their 30s, go to a sex therapists office. The doctor asks, What can I do for you? Gujubhai says, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? Need your feedback! The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is also amazed that the couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, Theres absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye. The next week, however, the Guju couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, and pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, Im sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out? Gujjubhai says, Were not trying to find out anything. Shes married, and we cant go to her house. Im married, so we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and AND and insurance picks up 80% costing me only $10 !!!

Brad and Angelina Fight

by Anurag Bhatia in Adult Brad Pitt is at home watching a football game when Angelina Jolie interrupts, Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now. He looks at her and says angrily, Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so. Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close properly. To which he replies, Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so. Fine, she says, Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre a mess and a real hazard.

Im not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps, he says. Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so. He continued, In fact, Ive had enough of all your Bickering. Im going to the bar! So, Brad Pitt goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of Angelina, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed. Honey, howd this all get fixed? Angelina Jolie replies, Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake. So, what kind of cake did you bake him? asks the husband. Hellooooooo! she replies emphatically, Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so!