Copyright 2013 Amber Lynn This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places,

, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the authors imagination and used fictitiously. Warning: This book is the musings of a Hellhound. Don't believe a word of anything he says and please don't follow his advice.

Preface A little note before we begin This novelette takes place in between the books Night Lurks and Night Finds in the Nyx Slaughter series. Reading it may reveal a few things you would not know if you haven't read up to Night Lurks, but I don't think it will ruin everything for you. It includes or mentions most of the characters from the books and hints about at least two key events. It is told from one of the favorite characters in the series, Clyde. Clyde is, for the lack of better terminology, a lovable Hellhound that seems to relish in getting in trouble. His language has been known to be questionable and I don't recommend his eating habits at all. To help make sense of who the characters are, here are some quick, generic descriptions: Nyx is the usual main character in the series. She is snarky and can often be found polishing her weapons. Sebastian is a vampire that has been friends with Nyx for a while and has developed a special bond with her. Alex is a werewolf that started out as a giant headache, but Nyx has grown to love the jerk. Ben is a demon. Do I really need to say more? Marcus, Smitty, Will, and Dante are personal guards that Sebastian assigned to Nyx. They are all vampires. Jonas, Jake, and Walt are also personal guards, but were assigned by Alex. Can you guess what species they are? Sam and Phee are wounded werewolves that have fallen under the others' wings. I think that is all the usual troublemakers. I have already described Clyde a little and if you read on, you are going to learn more than you ever wanted to about what makes the Hellhound tick. Hopefully, that is the path you choose. If so, enjoy.

Chapter 1 A star was born I hear backstories are things people like to read, but before we get into any of that, I need to set a few ground rules. Some of you will probably already know who I am, if you are smart you will anyway. My name is Clyde, my species is Hellhound, and I tend to believe I am amazing. That is why I think you need to read about my life. I am a busy Hellhound, so don't expect me to write a long memoir about my relatively short life. I am saving the good details for the blockbuster movie coming out next spring. I am hoping they dont mind me playing myself because I havent been able to find another canine as good looking as yours truly. On that subject, another thing you should know going into this is I am a distant, like next galaxy distant, relative of the human companion species that looks relatively like me. That means that I don't necessarily think like a humanoid and you may find some of the things I say to be offensive. My response to any complaints? Tough titties. With those little facts out of the way, I am ready to tell you a bit more about myself. Last I checked I am still under one-year-old and the size of a small pony. I have only ever seen a full-size horse in person, but after looking at the dimensions online, I think I could be compared to a Shetland pony. My parents are, obviously, both Hellhounds. My mom's name is Pepa and last I knew she had grown her second head. Dad, also known as Hermes, is a stud and has all three of his heads. I still have a number of years before I can even dream about getting my second, but I do neck exercises daily to prepare. I have been told the added weight can be a little daunting at first. My first owner, Ben the Amazing, as I like to call him, decided to gift me to the woman he was hoping to make annoying children with. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea of going home with her, she smelled a little too floral for my liking when we first met. However, I learned that she was a sucker early on and now I am living the good life. As long as I don't tell her she smells like lilacs, I think she will let me keep my balls. Nyx is a mom that likes to think she is in charge of everything, but let's face it, she has so many people around her vying for her affections that she is being guided in most of her decisions. I don't mind and I refuse to voice my concerns on the subject, since more often than not it works out in my favor. Anyway, I live with her and her entourage now and life couldn't be more perfect. I have even managed to make a career for myself, although, I don't get paid for it, yet. See, I am a quick study and it only took me a few times watching over shoulders to figure out how to use the Internet. I have to say the Internet is one of the best things ever created besides maybe the cow. I have spent hours, okay maybe days, on search engines and I have to say that I am pretty close to knowing everything there is to know. I decided to take that knowledge and create my own webpage offering advice for others. I know, it is a brilliant idea and everyone reading this has flocked to their closest computer or smart phone to search me out. I will sit around and wait for you to come back. Oh, you just made a note to check it out later? Great, let's continue on about me. I do most of my advice giving from the comforts of my room, so the humanoids don't question why I am spending so much time at the computer. So far, other than noticing a few purchases none of them made for me, they haven't figured it out. They tend to be rather clueless when it comes to my deviousness. I dont understand why that is. I mean I am a Hellhound; it kind of comes with the territory. The website has been doing pretty good so far. I have received over fifty letters from hopeless saps out there wanting to find help. Traffic looks to be going up every hour as word gets out about my amazing advice giving skills. Before long, I will have to be looking for some bigger servers to host my greatness. You arent getting upset about me talking about myself like I am a super being, are you? You should probably stop reading now if that kind of thing bothers you because it is only going to get worse as we go along. Moving on, I started things off by just reading those columns that are normally in the paper and posting the daily questions with my answers. Yes, I know it is odd to find that a Hellhound is capable of reading a newspaper, but if you got over the fact that I can use the Internet, that shouldnt be a stumbling block. I have found it a little odd that my answers to the letters never matches those Dear So and So people, but I chalk that up to them not knowing what is really going on in the world. I like to think I am a cultured Hellhound and my advice is something the normal humanoid can take and implement with ease.

Take my first response as an example, here is what someone wrote: Dear ____, We recently moved into our house and the next door neighbors are starting to drive us insane. They were close to the previous owners and according to the neighbors those owners allowed them to come over and sit on the patio whenever they wanted. I have walked out a couple of times to enjoy the sunset in peace and found them both eating dinner on my patio. We have asked them to stop and they have just smiled and nodded, but they continue to show up unexpectantly. I dont want to be the mean neighbor that calls the cops on them for trespassing, but it is getting to the point that I think it may be necessary. What can I do? Frustrated in Milwaukee I wont say who the letter was addressed to, but they gave some silly advice that I doubt will get things done. It is people like these neighbors that you really have to show who is boss or they will just walk all over you. This was my response: Dear Frustrated, Are you an idiot? I mean, really, how hard is it to put your foot down? I have a couple of different ideas that you would be smart to follow. First, if you dont want people showing up unexpectantly you need to mark your territory. Walk around your property and mark it like you own it. It is always best to do this when the wind is blowing in their direction to make sure they can get a good whiff, so plan accordingly. That alone has always been enough for me, but if they have had their senses of smell removed, read on. My second method of getting rid of the weirdoes has to do with the city you claim to be living in. I did a search and found your town has the nickname of Beer Town, amongst other beer and brew names. If your town is known for beer there should be tons of empty cans littering the streets. This idea should not only work, but also be great for the environment. Go around and gather these empty cans and build yourself a wall out of them. Problem solved. You could even paint them if you wanted it to be a decorative wall. Other quick solutions would be: get a fence and a big lock for said fence or move your ass to a different neighborhood because this one aint for you. I would recommend killing them and burying their bodies in their backyard, but since you had to write for advice in the first place, I bet you are too big of a pansy to carry that one out. Clyde I posted that response a month or so ago and daily since then I have either answered other newspaper questions or ones that are now being sent to me personally. The range of comments I receive go from people wanting me to come live with them and help with their problems to those who are trying to convince me to go to church and save myself. Note to the latter group of people: I am a Hellhound, you have to be completely crazy to think me walking into a church is going to go over well. I have a few angel friends I can send in my place though. I bet that would make your church really popular. So, I am getting around twenty requests for help a day now and I try to post and respond to each of them on my site. These people really need my help, so it would be practically criminal for me not to assist. Take this email for instance... Clyde, Nyx wants to see you pronto, my friend Jake yells while he pounds on my door. That figures they won't give me a few hours to write this important stuff down. I am just happy I learned how to lock the doors and convinced them that a Hellhound door was needed. Now, they can't just come barging in whenever they feel like it. We had a few awkward moments before the lock was put in place. Without Nyx around, Jake won't be able to hear any reply I could attempt to give him, so I jump out of my chair and push through my door. In case you are wondering, I wrote this next part when I got back to my computer. I wanted to give you all an idea of what I have to put up with every day. A visit with Nyx is something

that needs to be experienced like it is happening while you are reading, so we are going to continue in the present tense even though it happened a while ago. Maybe now you'll be able to see why I sometimes consider moving in with those people asking me for advice.

Chapter 2 Punishment is a very long four-letter word On our way to wherever Nyx is currently hiding in this huge apartment, Jake talks nonstop. Sometimes I am pretty sure he forgets I cannot say anything back to him. I have asked Mom to look into that, but she for some reason keeps developing deafness when I ask for a spell that makes everyone hear me. So, me and Jonas were sparring yesterday and I think I finally spotted his weakness. I haven't been able to beat him, yet, but I saw he leaves an opening on his body when he goes for a left hook. If I can just be fast enough to get in there, I think I will finally have an advantage. I don't care if he saw the broadside of a barn open up on Jonas, the boy isn't going to ever beat the superior fighter. Maybe in thirty years when Jake is closer to his prime and Jonas may be coming off of his, but even then it probably won't happen. I believe he is leading me towards the kitchen, which works out well because I am getting a little hungry. The kitchen isn't easy for me to break into, but I am sure Nyx won't mind feeding her poor, defenseless, or opposable thumbless, dog. I wouldn't be so sure about that, Mommy says as we enter the room. I think we need a few minutes to talk alone, Jake. The coward quickly turns tail and runs out of the room from the tone of Nyx's voice. It isn't even the worse one I have heard and he runs. What a dork. I am a little surprised to find Her Highness alone. That pretty much never happens. What can I do for you today, Mother? I ask as I walk closer to the fridge. I hope she gets the idea and takes out a couple of steaks for me. I'll feed you when I am done, but we need to talk about this advice column thing first, she replies and I give her my patented 'I don't know what you are talking about' look. This has me worried that the humanoids are paying way more attention than I thought they were. I hope they didn't find out about me humping a fluffy stuffed duck I found lying around the other day. It was just the right firmness to...well you get the idea. I couldn't help myself. How do you think I am running this advice column? That would seem difficult for someone from my species to pull off. I am still trying to pull off innocence. I imagine it will be short lived, but I can try. I'm not an idiot. Sebastian monitors everyone's computer activity to make sure we don't have any forces working against us. You have met the man before, so that shouldn't come as a shock to you. She hops up on to the counter and starts swinging her legs. I actually think the stuff is kind of funny, but the guys' legal team doesn't share that sense of humor. They want you to put up more warnings around the site. You need to make sure before people even enter that they can see the site is just for fun and the advice given shouldn't be taken as real. But it is real. You have obviously read some of it. Don't you think my responses make sense? Maybe in our world, but I believe a lot of these people are humans and they can't just get away with stabbing someone that pisses them off. If I get mad and need to stab Alex, he will most likely heal. If human Jim gets mad at his wife, human Jill, and stabs her a couple of times to get it out of his system, she ain't waking up in the morning. Hmm. I thought I had been good about giving killing as only a last resort, but some humans are thickheaded enough that they read things backwards. Okay, I can put up more warnings to ensure they don't do something dumb. Were there any specific words they wanted me to use? I ask and watch as she jumps off of the counter and walks towards the fridge. Steak, yes. Five for me please. You will get three and that is it. You are starting to get a little pudgy. I think you need to spend a little more time in the gym and less time in front of that computer. She is lucky that her owner bond with me keeps me from biting her ankles. She would have been feetless months ago if I could have eaten them. I wait for her to put my food on the ground before I give my reply. My three steaks can just as easily become none if I really piss her off. You know, you might want to take your own advice on that one. That belly of yours looks like a few laps around the track would do it some good, I say after inhaling my third steak. So smart waiting to run your mouth until after you have finished. You forget that I can have Sebastian

restrict your Internet access, though. I think a couple of hours without your amusement will do you some good. You are a mean, heartless woman, Mother. You wouldn't really do that to me, would you? We give each other crap all the time. She is way too sensitive about a few extra pounds. I need to go make sure the guys aren't planning things to make my life more difficult. The lawyers are going to email you the wording you should use. You won't be able to see it just yet because Sebby has already severed your connection, but I want the warning up by the end of the night, she says and then leaves the room like she didn't just wreck my universe. She didn't say for sure how long my punishment is going to last, but even a minute is too long. I might as well just lie down on the kitchen floor and cry. The meanest mother in the world just left the building. She has spent months threatening me for my actions and never once come up with a way to discipline me that actually works. I respond to her telling me I could lose a few pounds by telling her the same and that finally snapped her. Is there even anything to do around this house that doesn't revolve around me being on my computer? Ouch, that was pretty harsh, Jake says coming back into the room. You had to know she was still sensitive about the weight. Alex said something to her the other day and she practically strangled him. Is he looking for some kind of response or just expecting me to cry on his shoulder? He is going to be stuck waiting if he expects either one. I roll my eyes and head for the exit. I think it is time to try to find some grass somewhere that needs a little watering. It is an impossible task, but I can try. If I wasn't starting to become afraid of Nyx's reaction, I would go see if her pillow was a little dry and in need of hydration. Hey, I am assigned with keeping an eye on you for the next two hours, so quit trying to run away, Jake says following close behind. You have got to be kidding. Someone has really put a bug up Mom's ass. She mustve found out about the duck. I tried to hide the dang thing, but I must not have done a good enough job. I wouldnt doubt it if that Sebastian character has cameras around this place and showed her video proof of the event. Me and Sebastian have never really got along. The vampire knows my mind way too well and that has been causing me grief since I moved in with Nyx. I think our brains were somehow separated at birth. With him being over a thousand years older than me that makes that notion a mad scientists wet dream. I hope I am not giving any ideas to people that shouldnt be allowed to have ideas. I should be thankful during my punishment that I have Jake babysitting me and not Jonas or one of the vamps. Will is the only semi-cool vampire in our mix and that is because he was a human less than a year ago. The rest have some superiority complex when it comes to hanging out with me. Funny, the feeling is mutual. Jake has spent enough time with me that we can almost communicate, but he doesnt always interpret things correctly and I have been known to let out my explosive bark when he gets cold on his assumptions. Do you ever wish you could turn into a human like the rest of us? Jake asks as I take care of business on the side of a building. I wonder if he has noticed we are out for a walk and I am not wearing my leash. That is usually bad news in Nyxs book. Mom tends to hint that Jake is missing a few screws in the ol noggin and with a question like that, I have to agree. I am usually spoiled and pampered and he thinks I would want to turn humanoid and have to do everything for myself? What a nutter. I make sure he is looking at me and shake my head as emphatically as I can. It makes my head spin a little, but I think I get the point across. Yeah, I guess you like being a kept dog. Do you want to go for a run? It will keep us busy until she lifts the ban. It is something to do and I love embarrassing the cocky wolf. Youd think hed tire of eating my dust, but so far he is a source of amusement for me at least once a week. I give a quick nod and etch a line in the ground with one of my toenails. Its not the straightest line in the world, but it will do for our purposes. I take my position and wait for the slow poke to change and get ready. I dont care if they say it doesnt hurt; watching them change from humanoid into canine makes me cringe. The organs moving and bones shifting just creeps me out. Jake takes his place and I pound my paw on the ground three times and then take off. In this form, neither of us can hear what the other is saying or thinking, so I enter my zone and make a path. We didnt discuss where we were racing to, so I guess we just run until we drop. Good times.

Chapter 3 A demonic visit I am back in my room now and working to find an alternative way to keep connected to the Internet even when Mother thinks I need my cord cut. My ban has been lifted and I am working all my search engines at once to find a good solution. In case you are wondering, Jake is off licking his wounds and panting like a baby in some corner of the house. Someone fed the boy a little extra protein today and he was getting a little too close to my heels, so I may have let out a quick bark to turn him humanoid again. No one said I play fair. Back on the computer, I bookmark a few different links to visit later. I want to make sure the warning gets in place before Nyx decides my time is up. I am going to need to order her a cannon or something to get back on her good side. She is always whining about wanting one. I open my email to find seven new emails. I pick the one from the sender with the stupidest name and figure that is the lawyers. My assumption is proven right and I start reading through a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo. It has to be so boring to sit around and come up with this stuff. I skim through the words that only make sense to two people on this planet and find the pertinent text I need. A little copy and paste followed by a file upload and I am legal. Time to get back to the more important emails in the mix, one with the subject line Clyde you are my only hope caught my eye. The emails all tend to have that feel to them, but rarely ever do people come right out and plead for my help. That doesnt make my already super-sized head any bigger at all. Dear Clyde, I just want to say I am a big fan. Your advice has helped me so much in the past just from reading what you have told others. Seeing how nice you are to everyone made me feel safe enough to write to you for help. I am a human and I am planning to stay that way, but I am afraid my boyfriend is turning into a werewolf. I dont know if he was bit sometime recently or if he has always been that way, but lately he stays out all hours of the night and comes home covered in dirt. You have said you live with werewolves, so I figured you were an expert on the subject. What should I do? Confused in a cornfield Oh man. This chick lives in some alternate universe. I have heard of crop circles supposedly from aliens showing up in cornfields and I am now a firm believer that this lady was abducted at some point and her brains were sucked out of her melon. She claims to be a fan so I have to think of a way to reply as gently as possible. I dont want to lose a fan, but I have to set her straight. Dear Confused, I am sorry to hear that the anal probe has caused your brain to fire only half of its neurons. My first suggestion to you is to visit a doctor and see if they cant get it removed. With that recommendation, I advise you to stay out of any cornfields for the next few years. As far as your boyfriend goes, the dude is cheating on you and you need to throw him to the curb. You can follow him and check to see if he has picked up a spare job to try to buy you a diamond ring, but my money is on him chasing tail. Humans dont turn into werewolves. It is impossible and most werewolves wont stick their jimmies into human caves. There are a select few that do, but unless your boyfriends name is Jake, you are probably out of luck. Even if it is Jake, I suggest you throw the jerk to the curb. Go out and find yourself another alien abductee and procreate with them. I am sure that was what the aliens were hoping would happen anyway. Clyde

There that doesnt sound too harsh, but yet gives her great advice. I didnt even tell her to kill the cheating jerk. I should print and frame the webpage for Mom, but I am sure she has already seen it thanks to Sebastian the Stupid. I glance over my words again just to make sure it gets the point across and then hit save to publish the new post. I am sure there are some other people that need my help, but I saw an email from my buddy Ben and that is the next priority in my mind. Ben is a reaper demon and as I mentioned earlier, he was my original owner. Mom doesnt like him that much and I dont really get it. Sometimes I think they have a little sexual tension going on between them and if I could find a room to lock them in together, they would come out a lot happier. However, I would probably be skewered and roasted on a pit if she continued to insist on dodging their happiness. I dont even want to think about what Sebastian would do. He would probably just find a way to kill me and make it look like an accident. Bens email just says he is on his way. It was sent ten minutes ago, so I am surprised he hasnt appeared yet. Nyx doesnt know that Ben likes to come for visits. We have worked it out that he just pops into my room and then I type out answers to fill him in on the events going on around the place. There have been a couple of times in the past where he has missed key events in Nyxs life and he is such a weirdo that he doesnt want it to happen again. For a demon he is a weenie when it comes to dealing with Mom. The smell of burning flesh hits my nose and I know he has arrived. It is an appealing scent to my nose, but I bet most wouldn't welcome it. If you have spent enough time in Hell, it smells like home. Hey, Buddy. Have you been staying out of trouble? Ben asks as he conjures up a chair to sit on. Out of everyone I deal with on a consistent basis, you would think Ben would have figured out a way for us to talk without me typing on the computer. He must be too busy corrupting the innocent. A little bit of advice, dont call Mom fat, or even hint that she is packing on the pounds. She would probably kill you without blinking an eye. That advice works for any woman, Clyde. Other than that is she doing well? She still isnt talking to me and I am starting to let that get to me. Has she mentioned me lately? This is how most of our secret meetings go. He may try to act like he is all cool around Nyx, but I know he is hoping to at least convince her to be his close friend. His class of demons has some strange need to be liked. I guess it stems from it making a reaper demons life a lot easier if they are able to get on your good side. Maybe we can go in halfsies on a cannon. Do you happen to know any arms dealers that could make us a good deal? Do you think it will help my case? I can get a really nice one if it will. Are there any other weapons she would like? He is rubbing his hands together apparently loving the idea of using a bribe. I know Mom is now only pretending to still really be pissed at the demon. He has never been her favorite person. Why, I have never been sure. He is a lot cooler than either of the two doofuses she calls mate. Those two idiots keep stuff from her all the time, but when Ben did, for her own good, she gets all pissy like someone ate the last pound of bacon and made no plans to restock the fridge. You know how she is about artillery; the boys just have to whisper machete in her ear and she starts purring like a kitten. I have noticed that about her. I will find her the perfect item and put both of our names on the card. I take it her health hasnt changed since I last made attempts to speak with her. Other than the added weight, things seem fine. I cant tell any difference with her mood since she is always pretty bitchy. Something I never thought would happen occurs and it leaves my ears ringing a tad. Ben just smacked me upside the head. Evidently hearing the truth about his potential baby mama is too much for the demon. Nyx is a goddess and should be talked about as such, you little rascal. I have been summoned by my leader, so it may be a few days before I can stop by for a chat. I hope I can still rely on you to keep her safe in my absence. It has been my job from the day she brought me home. I am still surprised all the guys involved havent just held Nyx down and wrapped her in Kevlar and bubble wrap. She does a decent job of not getting herself injured, but she is still required to have guards with her at all times outside of the compound. She is my master, so of course I am all over the protecting her gig. The next time you visit, could you bring me some of those broiled hearts you make? I cannot convince anyone around here to buy some for me.

I will see what I can do. It has been a while since the last time I have enjoyed one myself. I have tried to keep a more normal diet in hopes that I will be spending more time here where Hells delicacies arent available. He seems to be done with the conversation, so he pops out of the room. Normal to who, Nyx? What a sap. He was so much cooler before he met her. She has that effect on people.

Chapter 4 Really sage ideas With the demon gone, I can get back to checking email. A couple of spam messages somehow made it through. I am going to have to make some adjustments to my filter. I have gotten some really interesting messages that I really wanted to believe were true, but learned quickly they were not. Because of that, I have put together a long list of search terms to keep out of my inbox. I really hate being disappointed. The other emails look to be standard pleas for my advice. Half of them I have more or less already answered. The lazy humans dont even realize their question is the same as Billie Jos that I answered last week. It is funny because I can see that some of the email addresses actually posted comments to the posts that answer the same question. Humans perplex me most days. I have dealt with a few of them in person thanks to Nyx and for the most part, they seem just like paranorms. They cant do any cool tricks, but basic cognitive functions seem to be the same. I havent found any paranorms writing in to ask me for advice, though. I dont know if they are just better at handling their own business or what, but I like to think somewhere deep down in their noggins they have just a smidgen more common sense. I am not really in the mood to deal with the advice emails right now, so that means it is time for one of my favorite segments, Real Time Advice with Clyde. That is when I write about a topic that bugs me and give my advice on how the problem can be solved. Todays topic: Babies. I am sure this will be a somewhat controversial topic for all the moms out there, but it is something that has been on my mind lately and needs to be addressed. Daily, I hear about the miniature beings from my circle of peeps and I am so over hearing about the little creatures. Also in this post, lets see how handy my thesaurus can be when I say the same thing in the same sentence using synonyms. Our current count is one instance. I have to start with a little disclaimer that I have never met a baby, but the way the grown-up humanoids minds turn to mush when they start talking about them makes me believe they should be abolished. Some may take a moment to point out that I, myself, was very likely once considered a baby. I would counter that I doubt anyone topside would be able to furnish sufficient proof of the event occurring, so we are just going to pretend I magically appeared as a mostly adult Hellhound right out of the gate. Face it, I was three feet tall by the time I was three months old. There is nothing baby or puppy about that fact. Plus, my brain was functioning just fine the second I debuted in this world. I dont think that is something you can for sure say about the humanoid regular version of children. So, back to the topic at hand, I have seen strong men, both physically and mentally, brought to their knees thinking about babies lately and it is getting pathetic. To stop the epidemic, we need to kill it at the source. I am not talking about going on a baby killing murder spree, so put down the phone. You dont know where I really live anyway and sending cops to my building would probably not turn out too well for them. We need to either find a way to make the little snot gatherers age once they pop out or just stick to cloning. I think having a scientist create and raise your baby is probably the best bet to keep the emotional explosion from even starting. The kid/adult will still be your child, but you can just skip over the annoying parts, like potty training and staying up all night with a wailing kid. I think that is a win-win for everyone, isnt it? You can ensure your line will live on long after you have turned to dust and you dont have to worry about diaper changes. If there are any scientists out there pursuing this course of action, you know how to reach me. I have tons of ideas on how we could make this a reality. Thats all I have to say on the topic for now. Make sure to state your opinion in the comment section below. Clyde P.S. Mom, I am sure my little sister will be awesome. That is sure to get some replies. Sometimes I like to post things just for their shock factor. I am sure I wont really have a problem once I meet a baby. I just hope the kid looks good because I have never been great about those awkward shes so cute moments. I dont think I would be able to lie and Id probably tell the parent my butt was better looking than their kid.

We have a few more hours before I will be calling it a day, so I need to come up with something fun to let you dive even deeper into my world. My days used to be action packed, but Moms business has slowed down a little because the dorky mates want to make sure she is getting plenty of rest and not overworking herself. Why she hasnt just killed both of them is still a mystery to me. I guess there is the small possibility that she could die as well, but some days I think it might be worth the chance. With her not going into the office every day, and working more at home, things can get a little dull. I love the crime fighting aspect of what she does, but the mandate for no hazardous cases went out and we are stuck rescuing kittens from trees. Not really, but you get the idea. Just for added information, a kitty in a tree sounds like lunch to me. I should probably go make nice with Nyx anyway. We are moving in a few days and she doesnt know it yet. The guys, mainly Alex, have been working like mad to refurbish this humongous house he has on the outskirts of town. If you ask me, it is about time. This apartment is cool, but is a little small with all the hulking guys that live here. I am able to have my own space, but if they find any more guards, I am going to be back on the couch. That is not an acceptable option. I turn on my login screen, which apparently does no good since Sebastian can just tunnel in, and then hop down to go find Nyx. Yes, we are going to start another section that happens and then I come back and type like it is happening right then. I enjoyed it so much the first time that I thought a repeat was in order. Nyx is most likely sitting at her desk plotting someones demise. I think about five hours out of her day is devoted to that task. I like to believe I am the target of those thoughts only a third of the time. I guess it really just depends on the day. Surprisingly, her desk is vacant. Will and Marcus are hanging out in the living room, though, so they should be able to direct me on where to find my missing mistress. Itd be easier if I could just ask them, but life is never that simple. I settle my rump onto the floor in front of them and stare menacingly so they know I want something. You would be shocked to learn how long it took me to teach them that trick. You hungry again, Clyde? Marcus asks noticing me right away. He is pretty good at this game. We usually find ourselves in this situation because of food, but for once, I am pretty satisfied in the tummy region, so I shake my head. To get them closer to the right track, I tilt my head towards Nyxs desk. You want to hack into Nyxs computer and send secret messages to human government officials? Will questions. I think I am going to have to take back every nice thing I have ever said about the guy. Where in the world would he get that idea? It sounds like an awesome thought, but I have no problem doing that sort of thing from my own computer. I think he is just looking for Nyx, you lemonhead. Marcus is shaking his head and has to be wondering why Will has to be a vampire. I nod my head to let them know that he is on track. I do have to say that next to brainy Sebastian, Marcus is one of the smarter people in the house. It is the main reason why I try to steer clear of him. Oh, I guess that does make more sense. Her and Phee ran off to the gym to get a workout in. I hear someone mentioned her expanding waistline and she threw a fit, Will says. Seriously? A fit isnt totally out of character for her, but there aint a thing she can do about the weight, so she needs to just get over it. I am sure it will disappear within a month. Knowing her boyfriends, it will magically find its way back soon though. I lift my paw to wave bye as I head towards one of the many doors that will get me to the gym. I choose the path in the kitchen because it is easier for me to reach the button that opens the secret passage. I guess Sebastian had to go through and lower all his previously too tall for Nyx buttons. It works for me because I can hit it with my nose. I try not to do the trick in front of Nyx because along with the weight issue, she is a little sensitive about her height. She tries to hide it, but I see the glares she gives those taller than her, which just happens to be everyone.

Chapter 5 Kissing up hurts my lips This whole apartment building is set up pretty cool. There are secret tunnels everywhere and some even lead to the outside world. The only good thing I have found about Sebastian is that he knows his stuff when it comes to security. I wasnt around when he moved Nyx into this place, but I bet he picked the locale because it is like a fort. No force could make it in and with how many people Nyx pisses off on a daily basis that comes in really handy. I make it to the gym and see Nyx doing a great job of kicking the crap out of Phee. Mom and Phee are nowhere near the same league so this isnt a shock. It is actually worse than usual because Phee isnt allowed to fight back. I dont know how long this has been going on, but it isnt going to last much longer. Phee looks tired and Mom doesnt want to do real damage. At least I hope my comments didnt push her to that point. Give the girl a break. Unless you are going to wrap her in some extra protection, I think she is done. I dont want to get too close to the action, so I grab a seat close to the door. Are you trying to piss me off today, Clyde? Nyx asks as she stops her assault. Hit the showers, Phee. Thanks, Phee replies and then falls to the ground. I will clean up once my body resolidifies. I wish the guys would man up and fight against you. I dont know that I can take another session like that. That is going to happen right after I grow some big golden wings and fit a nice halo on my head. In other words, never. It is going to be a very long next month or so. If Nyx cant find a more worthy opponent until then, we are all screwed. Cant your angel friend hook you up with a way to still get your regular workouts in? Angels have to be good for something, right? Being born in Hell makes me doubt the angels capability to get their heads out of their butts, but you never know. I will deal with my aggression without assistance from Upstairs. It would be a lot easier if people learned to not be idiots around me. I have come to realize that is an impossible task. Is there a reason you decided to come find me? I'm looking for something to do and I thought you might have some ideas. Yes, I am being a giant kiss ass. You could give yourself a bath. The guys say you are starting to really stink. I was prepared for her helpful suggestion and I am trying to bite my tongue. I am sure by the end of this conversation I will have a nice hole in it. Maybe I should think about just getting it pierced. I was hoping you would come up with something a little more exhilarating. Unless you are going to let me use the jet tub in the master bath. I wouldn't mind using that tub, too, Phee whimpers lifting her head off the ground an inch. Get the girl her Academy Award. No. It is going to be occupied by me, so find your own. This has to be the first time you have sought direction from me. I should have had a list ready for a moment like this, but I am coming up blank. We can check my email and see if there are any cases that will pass the annoying inspection. It isn't the time to bring up the idea of plotting Alex and Sebastian's demise, so I will go along with her idea. I have a feeling she is just as bored as I am. I could go watch some television or something, but she doesn't get into that and we need to spend some quality time together. I hope the pipsqueak doesnt want to tagalong. It is Clyde/Nyx time and she isnt welcome. Phee has this need to hear herself talk that makes most of the people around her want to shove her into a trash compactor. Judging by her size, it has been done a couple of times already. If there is actually something for us to do, how many guards do you think we can lose? Are you still required to have all of them when you leave the penthouse? I can attest to it being a pain in the ass to have to go out with all of the guys. Chances of getting away with anything are about zilch. Four are required and I have a feeling more will follow just for the heck of it. I have mentioned a few times that I am not fragile and they dont believe me at all, Nyx says as she walks over and gives me a nice little rub behind the ears. Good. My evil plan of getting back on her good side is working. You guys go right ahead and just leave me here. Ill call Sam and have him carry me back to our place, Phee says still working on that acting award. She is a werewolf and there is no way it takes that long for her to

recover from a little fighting. Phee, get off your butt and walk out of here like a woman. I wont have you giving the guys ideas that our gender is somehow inferior. I can wipe the mats with most of them and they still act like I am a piece of glass. Nyx is using her drill sergeant voice that is sure to get the dead moving. Phee quickly stands up and salutes her superior. Yes, Maam. What are my orders? I already gave them and I wont repeat myself, so get going. Phee doesnt need to be told again and finally goes to shower. It isnt a moment too soon because she is smelling extremely ripe. Hopefully the air in the hallways is blowing the opposite way as she finds her way home. Do you need to take that bath before we check the emails? I ask ready to go. I cant smell any better than Phee did, so it is for the best. I dont want to get a funk into my chair and not be able to get it out. I really like that chair and would hate to have to shop for a new one to take its place. Inanimate objects do seem to mean a lot to her. I expect she has named the dang chair as she has all of her weapons. I once heard her talking to a set of her knives. It was extremely creepy. I will have to leave you to that bath then. Either Alex or Sebastian will probably want to watch to make sure you dont drown and I dont want to be anywhere near you guys when the mood strikes. This means I have to find something else to do for the next thirty minutes. At least Mom doesnt take long girlie baths like Phee is probably already in the process of doing. In my current condition, you think I am going to let either of them within a mile of me naked? My bathroom door is locking the second both of my feet are on the other side of the door. Do you think you can go find Sebastian and ask him to fix me a plate of bacon? I need some protein after my workout. Without letting me explain how silly her idea sounds, she leaves me standing staring after her. Why does everyone keep forgetting that I cannot deliver messages? The fact that it is to the person I hate the most, only makes it worse. I had been doing such a good job of not seeing Sebastian at all today. The dork is probably hanging out in his secret library. If he isnt with Nyx, he is with his books, or running his sex house downtown. I think he has handed most of his responsibilities there over to someone else though. His brain has totally been rotted away with the prospect of babies and he doesnt like to be far from Nyx. Within the week, I predict he will have a leash on her so she cannot be out of his sight. That is not going to help Nyxs mood improve. I seldom wish for it, but being able to tell Sebastian to calm down without Nyx knowing would come in handy. Opening up that flood gate would make the tensions between me and him open like the Grand Canyon. Neither one of us would be able to keep our tongues under control and even though he likes that I am added protection for Nyx, he hates me just as much as I do him. I have moved on from the gym and the library door looms in front of me. Most rooms in the place have been made Clyde accessible. This is not one of them. I think Sebastian will meet his death before he lets me just roam around and see if any of his books need to be yellowed with my special sauce. I can hear him turning pages on the other side of the door, so I know he is in there. I am sure he knows I am standing out here and he isnt going to make things easy on me. Thats fine. I stand back a little bit and let out one of my patented fire barks. Who said fire breathing was only for dragons? Clyde you are an idiot, Sebastian says as he opens the door. Do you know how much it cost me to fireproof this house after you moved in? I did mention he likes to take away all of my fun, didnt I? The whole house has basically been painted in crap that wont catch on fire. I accidently caught some curtains on fire in my youth and no one is able to forget the incident. One of these days I should learn Morse code so I can tap out messages to the humanoids. I have read about it online, but I am being lazy. Plus, it is sometimes fun to hear what others think I want. I dont know why she sent you. I know she wants bacon and I can make that without any extra slobber added, he says as he shuts the door and heads off to the kitchen. What a jerk. I guess I am on my own. Lets see what kind of trouble I can get in.

Chapter 6 I am a sucker for a sale I have mentioned that there isnt a ton for a Hellhound to do in this apartment. That is one of the reasons moving to the new place is going to be amazing. Alex was cool enough to give me a tour and the fact that it has grass was all it needed to sell me on the idea. Nyx is going to be a little bit harder to convince more space is good, but she will come around. Since I have a few minutes of spare time, I might as well find a box and start packing for the move. In my short time here, I have accumulated a lot of items. That is probably the only problem with me learning how to buy things for myself. There are some things I find online that I just cant say no to. Maybe now would be a good time to clean out the closet. The first thing I need to do is find a box big enough for the junk. I am not really sure how I fit everything in my closet, so finding a large crate or making multiple trips appears to be the order of the day. I have seen some big boxes that the others were using and one of those will be a good start. I just need to find Jake and convince him that he wants to help me. Chances are after his babysitting stint he wanted to rot his brain and play video games. He tends to do that a lot, but he hasnt really found anyone to partake in the activity. Sam and Phee are young enough that they sometimes can be convinced that it is fun, but Phee prefers to just watch television and keep up on the important human news. She really is the odd duck in our group. The rest of us live in a world totally separate from the humans. I take that back. Will still has some ties, but he acts like a normal person about it. Eventually those ties will all die and he will be just like the rest of us. If I cant find Jake, I will search the vampire out for assistance. Either one of them might be willing to take some of the junk off of my hands. I make my way to Jakes room where I am sure to find him. He is on duty until Nyx drops for the day. I doubt he will be sleeping on the job, but I dont want to chance walking in on him watching some porn and rubbing his salami. Listen, it only happened once and my mind couldnt believe what it was seeing. After that day, he started hanging a holster on the door knob to let me know to come back later. Even when there isnt a holster, I still knock rather than using the Hellhound door he was cool enough to install. You can come in, Clyde. My hands are on the controller and out of my pants, he hollers and then swears at what I am hoping is his game. I push my nose through the door to look around and verify that he isnt just trying to scar me for life. The coast looks clear and I enter the room. I am happy to see a moving box sitting in the middle of the floor, which will make my mime act a whole lot easier. Are you hiding out from your master or are you looking for something to do? Jake asks pausing his game. He is even looking at me; this is going to be a piece of cake. I walk over and bump my head on the box. Getting closer to it is a bad idea because it smells like something died in there, but I dont have a choice. He must have put some old gym socks in there that he has neglected to wash in the last decade. Angel farts smell better than that. I wouldnt try to hide from Nyx in that box. The smell might help hide your usual stink, but she would still find you. I am surprised he realizes it smells. I wouldnt bother packing something that reeked like that even if it was worth a million dollars. The lid on the box is closed, so I cant take a gander at what is inside. I hit the box again while trying to imagine a plate full of steaks and how good it would smell. It helps a little. Got it. You want your own. I can help you with that, he says springing up from the couch. I have seen your closet, but I dont think we have a single box that will hold it all. Lets see what we can find. He opens the door and looks out like he is making sure no one sees him leaving. Satisfied the coast is clear, he waves for me to follow and then heads down the hall to the right. He is in secret agent mode and it is hilarious to watch. With the move being a secret from Nyx, I am guessing that is who he is trying to avoid. It would be really fun if I could speak and pretend to be her. I bet he would run to the closest room and hide. He stops in front of the door that leads to the guards TV room. If you were hiding something from Mom,

this would be the room most secure. He opens the door and quickly runs in, grabs a box, and then runs back out. This is the biggest one I would be seen walking around the house with Nyx home. The box is in its flat form and he has a roll of packing tape around his wrist. How does he expect to explain that one to Nyx, new fashion accessory? She might actually buy that. We make our way back to my room and have no problem doing it in peace. When we get there, I wait for Jake to open the closet door with a giant grin on my face. There is a reason I dont open that door. Weird things just start falling and burying the guy. He is pretty quick though and it only takes him a second to jump off to the side out of the way of danger. Who helped you pack everything in there? I helped with some, but it wasnt that bad. Jake is stuck staring at the pile. I am waiting for his eyes to focus on individual items and the tirade of questions to start. As far as stuffing the closet goes, that was all me. I got a large shipment one day and just put everything in there and then closed the door. Why do you need a hair accessory that makes a perfect bun? he asks holding up a box. I doubt the hair chalk is going to do you a lot of good either. Maybe I was saving those for birthday gifts. I wasn't, but it sounds like a good idea now. Phee would go nuts over them. You really need to sell this to your advice column fans. You have so many of them that they might actually want all this crap. To make it worth more, you should probably use the stuff though. I am not sure that is even possible with most of these things. The only way you are giving yourself a bun is if you get a wig. Should I tell him to dig a little deeper? There should be a handful in the pile. I borrowed them from Mom's collection because she didn't seem to be using them. I am not really sure what purpose I thought they would serve in my room. If they can help me lighten my load of crap, I am not above wearing them so Jake can snap some pictures. I walk over and dig around in the pile until I find a blonde wig. If the yellow lab I started following on social network sites the other day can pull off the color, so can I. Yes, I am aware that a human is posting pretending to be the dog. You are really going to let me test these products on you? Jake grabs a few more hair product boxes. They were half off and I can't pass up deals like that. I nod and then jump up on my computer chair so he can play hairstylist. Obviously, I am secure in the size of my man berries. Getting a little girlie isn't going to change that. Jake knowing exactly how to use each of the products without reading the directions does worry me a little bit. The hair products only take a few minutes to get through, so we move on to the special pillows, knife sharpeners, and exercise equipment. Oddly enough everything went into one of those categories. Well, all of the stuff I am willing to part with. The kitchen gadgets and appliances are still all mine. We load the leftovers into the box Jake constructed and label it my room. This packing process has given me a bunch to do, so finding Nyx and checking her emails for adventures has found a compartment in the back of my brain. Now, I just need to get Jake to leave in order to start posting all of this stuff on my site. I have a few options, but I go with the one sure to clear a room. A handy feature that I believe most Hellhounds come equipped with is gas on command. Burping or farting both smell pretty bad to the humanoids, so I inhale a big gulp of air and let out a belch that would remove the hair off most men's chests. I know; it is a talent. It has the desired result though and Jake quickly exits stage right. He didn't even bother to say good-bye. I will have to remember that secret weapon if we ever make it to a real battle.

Chapter 7 That's all you need to know The sun is starting to get higher in the sky, so I don't have much time before bedtime. I want to get these items posted for sale and maybe answer one more letter before I call it a day. I made sure Jake downloaded the pics from his phone before I ran him off. I start looking through the images and I have to say, me in a wig is kind of hot. Even when purple and pink streaks are added. I pick my favorite picture of each product and then make a page for each, put twenty bucks as the price on everything, and call it good. Everyone on the site knows how to get in touch with me, so I don't see a point in listing contact details. If everything goes as planned, the fifty items will be gone by morning. Since Jake helped me with the plan, I hope he knows he is going to be shipping everything for me. Moving on from the closet cleanup, it wouldn't be fair if I didn't touch on the one thing I am asked about most often. People like to ask whether I am sad that there are no other Hellhounds around to keep me company. I have a pretty large family here with Nyx, and Ben is nice enough to bring me news from my parents, but yes sometimes I miss not seeing others that look like me. It is during those melancholy periods that you can find me talking to myself in a mirror. I am a great conversationalist even if I am saddled with holding up both sides of the conversation. After fifteen minutes, or so, I have my fix of Hellhound interaction and I usually feel a lot better about myself since mirror Clyde thinks I am amazing. I am starting to be bored by this writing my own book deal. It sounded like fun in the beginning, but like I said, the good stuff is all being saved up for the movie and I just revealed I talk to myself in the mirror. I will answer one last email for you, since I figure that is why you are sticking around anyway. I just hope someone has left me a decent question in the inbox. If not, you are just out of luck. Let's see. Out of the twenty new emails I am sure at least one of them has something fun to answer. Sorry, the first five are not even worth mentioning. The sixth one shows some promise though. I am surprised I have not been asked this sort of thing before and it is well worth a response. Here is the original email: Dear Clyde, Thank you so much for all the great advice you dish out on a daily basis. My needs are a little different from what I have read on the site before, so hopefully you will pick my letter to respond to. I have a male dog, and yes I know you are a species all your own, but I thought you could give me some advice. Bart loves to pee on everything in the house. I have tried everything and I cannot get him to stop. He goes outside at least four times a day, but he still comes in and tinkles on the furniture, walls, carpet, pillows, etc. What can I do to stop this behavior? Urine covered in Dallas First, I cannot believe she wrote urine covered. She didn't mention herself in the list of things her dog pees on, but I do wonder if that is the case. I am not sure what she was expecting as my response, but I highly doubt I am going to give her what she wants to hear. I'll just have to do my best. Dear Urine, This is an issue near in dear to my heart. I live in a house full of male werewolves and being canine-ish myself gives me a lot of unlearnable knowledge in this situation. To begin, I suggest investing in a nice rain suit, nose plugs, and a lot of plastic wrap. That should keep you mostly dry and wrapping everything in the plastic will allow for easy cleanup. Chances are Bart is never going to grow out of this peeing thing. I haven't, but I am smarter about hiding my marking it sounds like. If I was able to communicate with your dog, I could advise him that marking behind the furniture and under the bed is usually the best way to keep from getting caught. It makes a dog feel more secure if he can smell himself in his home. I have to guess Bart isn't really sure about you and is trying to make the place more comfortable for him. Maybe some extra treats at supper time will

help him feel better about things. You have to be careful about the amount of treats, though. If he isn't secure living with you, he may think you are fattening him up for dinner and that will just make things worse. Try to take things slow and give him some extra attention. You may be amazed at what good that will do. Clyde I am trying not to laugh too hard. I was just working on getting the dog pampered. There is no way he is going to stop the habit. Like I said, I still find out of the way places to mark as my own. I know in this place the furniture is off limits, but there are a few weights in the gym that I was finally able to call my own, among other items. I promised one last letter, so I guess this is it for your visit into my world. I hope you found the trip well worth the price of admission. Being a Hellhound isn't all that different from being a human, if you are a fast learner. I mean, I am able to breathe fire and turn werewolves into humanoids, but basically we are the same. This is Clyde signing off. Make sure to check out the books about my mom. I hear there are seven of them now and I am featured in over half of them, so they have to be amazing.

THE END