ROXETTE & ROMANTIS

Written by Fred Seton

Based on the band Roxette.

EXT. AWESOME STADIUM, BERLIN, GERMANY - NIGHT We hear faint rock music of a concert in progress. The stadium parking lot is choked with cars. A digital marquee outside reads, TONIGHT: ROXETTE!!! INT. AWESOME STADIUM YERICK MORDENVALT (30yrs old) and BERICKA BJORNSTAFF (25yrs old) take their bows and hurry off stage. INT. AWESOME STADIUM, BACKSTAGE - MOMENTS LATER Yerick and Bericka hurry to their dressing room. YERICK You sounded like a weasel made of human shit tonight, Bericka. How can you screech so and not kill yourself for shame? BERICKA Yerick! Do not be starting this shit with me now! I have given you my blood, sweat, tears, voice, soul, and fingernails. Behold! She holds up her stubby fingertips. BERICKA (CONTD) I am at a loss as to what to bite! YERICK Bite my heart, woman! BERICKA I would not want to chip a tooth! YERICK How can you be so cold? BERICKA Cold!? How can you accuse me of being cold, Yerick!? Just because I do not gambol like a spastic gorilla with your every utterance does not mean I am less than human!

2. YERICK Do you remember when we were lovers and every moment seemed to pass in an underwater slow-time of emotion as our hearts struggled to solve tedious riddles of desire? No. BERICKA

YERICK Neither do I. (beat) Come, my dismal whore. We have a bus to catch. Our next show is in less than twenty-four hours. EXT. AWESOME STADIUM Yerick and Bericka enter a TOUR BUS. INT. TOUR BUS Yerick and Bericka greet their bus driver, CUDDLE DUMPS. Cuddle Dumps is a very large TURTLE who wears a fedora and monocle. CUDDLE DUMPS Greetings, Roxette! Where we headed next? YERICK Greetings, faithful Cuddle Dumps. We are headed to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in the United States of America. The Wells Fargo Center. Take us there and make haste. I shall be in the back of the bus brooding like a motherless child. Yerick goes to the back of the bus. He sits down and slams his head sharply against the window. He gazes forlornly out at the blackness, a single tear winding down his cheek. BERICKA Cuddle Dumps, Bus-Driving Turtle Man of Astonishing Magic and Clarity, why do you continue to serve us? I am a bitter crone with a firm C-cup and Yerick has a Masters Degree in Motherfuckerdom. (MORE)

3. BERICKA (CONT'D) There is no reason why you should not return home to the enchanted Soup Lands of your ancestors. We shall find another driver. CUDDLE DUMPS Do not be foolish, my sweet child. I am a Turtle Man and it is my duty to ferry Roxette from venue to venue, giving no thought whatsoever to my own needs and desires. BERICKA I do love you, Cuddle Dumps. Even Yerick loves you in his own way. CUDDLE DUMPS And I love you as well. Or rather, as well as any Turtle Man can love a Scandinavian rock and roll duo. Bericka sits down behind Cuddle Dumps. The Turtle Man closes the bus doors, presses a button, and the bus takes off into the night sky.... TEXT: Meanwhile in Philadelphia, PA.... EXT. PHILADELPHIA, PA - NIGHT A seven-foot tall praying mantis dressed in a high top hat, and a crushed velvet suit of deep indigo is walking down the street. This is ROMANTIS. Walking beside him is an anthropomorphic Nissan Altima. This is.... ROMANTIS Tell me again, LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA, what skills do you possess? LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Anti-lock breaks, airbags, heated seats, aggressive design, and...uh...some other stuff. Oh! I also get 27 miles per gallon in the city. ROMANTIS And yet for all your exclusive features, not one of them can stem the anguish of my broken heart. LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Im sorry, dude.

4. ROMANTIS It is not your fault, Liam Nissan Altima. You are not culpable for the departure of my sweet Lucy. No, I fear that it is mine own fault that her ankles grew wings like Namor, the Sub-Mariner, and flew beyond the sovereignty of my vision. LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Youre saying that it was you that fucked up. ROMANTIS Yes. I fucked up. And now...now... (breaks into verse) She lived unknown, and few could know / When Lucy ceased to be; But she is in her grave, and oh, The difference to me! LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Her grave? I thought she moved to Baltimore? ROMANTIS Precious little difference, Liam Nissan Altima. (looks ahead) Ah! But there will be time later to dwell upon the muddled mysteries of love. Look, you! The Wells Fargo Center! Here we shall see Roxette perform and perchance their sweet pop melodies shall offer us the briefest respite. EXT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, PHILADELPHIA Roxettes bus flies down from the sky and lands in the parking lot. Yerick and Bericka run out and enter the stadium. Cuddle Dumps exits the bus and leans against it, lighting a cigarette. Romantis passes Cuddle Dumps but Liam Nissan Altima stops and looks at him. The share a long BEAT.

5. CUDDLE DUMPS Im a Turtle Man. LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Im an affordable midsize car. BEAT CUDDLE DUMPS Enjoy the show. LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Are you my father? CUDDLE DUMPS Enjoy the show.... Liam Nissan Altima slowly walks away. CUDDLE DUMPS (CONTD) (softly) ...my son. INT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, DRESSING ROOM, PHILADELPHIA Music from the opening act, The Cajun Messiah Experience is audible as Yerick and Bericka get ready for the show. YERICK The slaves. Have you procured them? BERICKA They are not slaves, Yerick! They are extra-dimensional plasma critters fluent in the ways of drums and bass. And yes, they are here and waiting to perform. CUT TO: INT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, DRESSING ROOM#2, PHILADELPHIA Two HAZY PLASMA BLOBS sit on chairs in the dressing room drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels. Im Dave. PLASMA BLOB#1

PLASMA BLOB#2 Go to hell, Dave.

6. PLASMA BLOB#1 Sorry I spoke. PLASMA BLOB#2 You should be, Dave. You should be. Pass the fucking bottle like a man. (muttering) I swear to God, you need to die. INT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, DRESSING ROOM, PHILADELPHIA Yerick and Bericka. They are looking into mirrors putting make-up on themselves. YERICK Does my internal melancholy make my eyeliner look pretentious? No. BERICKA

YERICK Do you swear? I swear. BERICKA

YERICK Do you swear by Thors hammer and Odins penis? Yes. BERICKA

YERICK That was a trick question. (wipes off eyeliner) You failed. BERICKA I do not understand. YERICK That is because you are a woman. BERICKA And it is because I am a woman that I know you hate your mother. That is your secret shame, Yerick. You hate your mother and you once spent a year wiping your ass with razor blades because of it.

7. YERICK (weeping) I love you because of the tears your Truth gives me. BERICKA (alarmed) Shush, my Yerick! Our manager demands audience! A SHIMMERING LIGHT develops in the dressing room. It coalesces into the form of LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY (45yrs old. He is a cross between JFK and a motherfucking pirate.) He has a parrot on his shoulder named CAPTAIN QUIM. Yerick and Bericka stand up and smile. BERICKA (CONTD) Good to see you again, Long John F. Kennedy. LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY Well, well, well. What, ah, what have we here? INT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, PHILADELPHIA Romantis and Liam Nissan Altima are in the audience watching the Cajun Messiah Experience. CAJUN MESSIAH EXPERIENCE (O.S.) Youre good with computers / But you cannot resist / Your cunt is the keyboard / I pound with my fist! / Vassar College Asian girl! / Vassar College Asian girl! / Why do I love you!? Why do I need you!? Why do I need you!? Why do I beat you!? / Am I frightened of your woman strength?! ROMANTIS This band delights not me. Liam Nissan Altima grins. ROMANTIS (CONTD) Though by your smiling, you seem to say so. LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Hey man, just relax. Roxette will be on any minute now.

8. ROMANTIS You speak true, loyal Liam Nissan Altima. Would that there were a balm as effective on the heart as your words are on the mind. All manner of horrors are paraded before me, my friend; tortures both physical and ephemeral. And though these recent months I have been nearly unable to tell port from starboard, aft from stern, you have remained constant. I salute you, Liam Nissan Altima. I truly do. LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA I saw a turtle man today. ROMANTIS Of course you did. INT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, DRESSING ROOM, PHILADELPHIA Long John F. Kennedy is talking to Yerick and Bericka. [NOTE: Long John F. Kennedy talks like JFK but will suddenly break into pirate speak. This will be denoted in ITALICS.] LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY It is the opinion of this administration that this performance not go on. Arrr! Wheres me rum, ye scurvy landlubbers!? BERICKA But Long John F. Kennedy, we must perform! The contracts have been signed and the audience expects a show! YERICK The womb-ridden harlot speaks true, my manager. LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY A show? What kind of show do you mean and what kind of show do you seek? Not a Pax Scandinavia, enforced on the world by Scandinavian musicians of war. Not the rock concert of the grave or the all-ages gala of the slave. (MORE)

9. LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY (CONT'D) I am talking about a genuine musical performance, the kind of show that makes life on earth worth living, and the kind that enables men and nations to grow, and to hope, and build a better life for their children. Not merely a rock concert for water-brained Philadelphians drunk on cheesesteaks and date rape, but a rock spectacle for all men and women. Not some mere concert for our time, but a concert for all time... (beat) ...For in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's futures. And we all love to rock out with our cocks out. Yerick and Bericka are moved to tears. YERICK What must we do then, oh Great Manager? LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY I propose that we shall put on a concert on the moon no sooner than 2014. And when that happens, there best be saucy wenches there! Arrrr!! Long John F. Kennedys parrot speaks for the first time... CAPTAIN QUIM Wenches! Wenches! Pieces of taint! Pieces of taint! BERICKA We shall obey, Long John F. Kennedy. LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY See that you do, lass! Or Ill be forced to make you wash my plank with that little pink tongue of yours! Har har arrrrrr! (MORE)

10. LONG JOHN F. KENNEDY (CONT'D) I shall coordinate with my friends at the Navy and NASA to arrange transportation to the moon within a fortnight, me heartys!! Long John F. Kennedy disappears in a flash of blinding light. Yerick and Bericka look at each other. Whore. Pedophile. YERICK BERICKA

INT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, PHILADELPHIA Romantis and Liam Nissan Altima. ANNOUNCEMENT (O.S.) Ladies and gentleman, unfortunately tonights scheduled performance by Roxette has been cancelled. Refunds will be... Romantis glares at Liam Nissan Altima. A TEENAGE GIRL next to Romantis speaks up. TEENAGE GIRL Oh, man! That sucks! Can you believe that shit!? Romantis looks at her. He gazes deep into her eyes even as his own grow wider and wetter. ROMANTIS The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing / Alive enough to have strength to die; / And a grin of bitterness swept thereby Like an ominous bird a-wing. / Since then, keen lessons that love deceives, /And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me /Your face, and the God curst sun, and a tree, /And a pond edged with grayish leaves. TEENAGE GIRL Are you fucking high? Romantis cuts her head off with a swipe of his bladed hand and begins chowing down on Teenage Girls head.

11. LIAM NISSAN ALTIMA Dude. You cant keep doing shit like that. Cue: Roxettes It Must Have Been Love. THE END