FREE PIE

A Traumatic Comedy by Caleb Slain

Caleb Slain

Caleb Slain Los Angeles, CA 90065 +1 (616) 828 5661 yo@calebslain.com

CHARACTERS: CHRISTOPHER: A tattooed twenty-something rock burnout with hearing aids: acquired during his short yet successful music career. Unknown origins. Wears suit and glasses. Despite his staggering inability to read social queues, he manages to coast by with an unfathomable supply of pathological sincerity. Christopher's equally tattooed wife. They met on tour, and she took care of him. She's smarter than him and he knows it. These days she rarely sleeps at their home.

KOWALSKI:

ALICE:

PLACE: Christopher's lavishly atrophied mansion. Seattle, WA.

TIME: Now.

SETTING:

Lavish, cluttered room with expensive guitars littering the walls and floor; a few amps stacked into a pseudothrone. Most furnishings are pushed against the wall, the home phone buried amongst them.

AT RISE:

CHRISTOPHER pours himself a glass of absinthe as KOWALSKI takes a seat across the room from him, searching for a place to set his strange briefcase.

KOWALSKI I suppose the modern process would be to inform you via phone, but given the circumstances, I felt that rather insensitive. At a time like this you shouldnt be left alone. (He removes a stack of papers from his briefcase) I'm sorry, Chris, but your son's body was found a few hours ago. It appears he was murdered. (Per his hearing aids, Christopher says nothing.) KOWALSKI (CONTD) (Louder) It appears he was murdered. Who was? Your son. CHRISTOPHER KOWALSKI

CHRISTOPHER No I talked with him. Earlier, I talked with him. KOWALSKI Im terribly sorry, Chris. CHRISTOPHER Its Christopher, Mister...? KOWALSKI (Shuffles through papers)

Kowalski.

(Pause. He reviews a document) Chris"topher". Right. My apologies, seems I have a couple Chrises to speak with tonight.

2. Stacked next to each other no less...rather bizarre. No, it appears I'm here with regard to your father. This may be difficult for you to hear -So my son is fine. CHRISTOPHER

KOWALSKI Id hate to assume, but I certainly hope so. However your father -CHRISTOPHER (EXITING) I need to call my wife. KOWALSKI Christopher, please. Christopher! Your attention. I came here tonight to tell you that your father has been in the Midwest for the last twenty years. CHRISTOPHER (OFF STAGE) I know, we buried him. Living in the Midwest. of small businesses somewhere. Profitable, Cigarette trafficking. traveled out here. KOWALSKI Not buried. Detroit. Opened a string deeds and registration are here until an arrest a few years ago. After which he served two years, then (Christopher enters... He waits for Kowalski to blink... Kowalski doesnt...) Hes alive? Was. Hes dead now. ...what? (louder) CHRISTOPHER KOWALSKI CHRISTOPHER KOWALSKI

Hes dead now.

(The phone bursts to life with a loud ring) CHRISTOPHER But you said he came out here --

3. KOWALSKI We suspect he was trying to find you. But...didnt. And died. CHRISTOPHER I think this is a mistake. KOWALSKI Death is always a mistake. CHRISTOPHER No, I think you made a mistake. About your son. KOWALSKI

CHRISTOPHER About my dad. Hes been dead. KOWALSKI Thats what Im telling you. No, hes been dead -Since Saturday. -- for twenty years. CHRISTOPHER KOWALSKI CHRISTOPHER

KOWALSKI Did you have an estranged relationship with your father? CHRISTOPHER We didnt have a relationship --- so estranged then --- because hes dead -KOWALSKI CHRISTOPHER

KOWALSKI -- because you thought he was dead. (Long beat. The phone stops ringing... Kowalski reaches into his bag and removes a pre-sliced pie, complete with plastic spork.) KOWALSKI In my experience news like this is best served with pie. Rhubarb, obviously. Do you frequent "Coffee and Pie, Oh My"? The baker is brilliant, help yourself.

4. CHRISTOPHER

Where is he.

KOWALSKI They punch in at 4am, hes probably in bed. (The phone rings again.) Where is my dad. CHRISTOPHER

KOWALSKI Im hardly a religious man, Christopher, you may not like my answer. CHRISTOPHER If he didnt die, whose body did we bury? But he did die. KOWALSKI

CHRISTOPHER Is he didnt die twenty years ago, who the fuck did we bury? KOWALSKI I wouldnt dwell on it. Please, consider the pie. (Christopher marches over to the ringing phone... Then marches back... Then smashes it at Kowalskis feet. LONG SILENCE.) CHRISTOPHER So you showed up here without calling. And you told me my son is dead, then told me my dad never died; that we didn't bury him, then told me he actually is dead, but only after you told me he traveled across the country trying to find me. So pardon me if I don't want your fucking pie. But its free. What is. KOWALSKI CHRISTOPHER

KOWALSKI The pie. Its free. Its free pie. (SILENCE. They are very small people in a very big room.)

5. CHRISTOPHER Who did you say you were? Social Services? Detective? KOWALSKI If youre satisfied, Ill be on my way. I imagine the other Chris will want to hear about his son. Im not satisfied. CHRISTOPHER

KOWALSKI Im so so sorry. They never send us two clients with the same name. CHRISTOPHER Why would I be satisfied? KOWALSKI Before I leave, I would feel much better about everything is you ventured some pie. Fuck the pie. ...fffuck the pie? Forget the pie. (Beat.) CHRISTOPHER KOWALSKI CHRISTOPHER KOWALSKI

The free one?

CHRISTOPHER What does free pie have to do with anything? Its my favorite. KOWALSKI

CHRISTOPHER I DONT WANT YOUR PIE. I don't know what he looked like. Do you understand? I don't need your pie because I'm not sad, Kowalski. Because I don't care. Should I cry? So you can cheer me up? Fuck him. Fuck the pie. Twenty years and I don't know what he looked like. Okay? KOWALSKI (Slowly removes glasses) ...did he look like this? (DEAFENING SILENCE. Christopher stares into him for a long time...)

6. CHRISTOPHER

......dad?

KOWALSKI Yes, him. Do you happen to know if you looked like me? Im always curious if one of them looks like me, but they never do. (LONG SILENCE. Christopher takes the pie into his lap... He puts a large sporkful in his mouth... He chews it in his mouth...) KOWALSKI You see? I feel better already. ALICE (OFF STAGE) Chris! Chris! Answer your fucking phone... ALICE ENTERS. Everyone freezes. Alice surveys the scene. Whats going on? ALICE

KOWALSKI Let me explain. I came here tonight because your husband needed to hearin personthat his father has been alive the past twenty years. (Christopher tries to explain, but his mouth is full of pie.) ALICE What the fuck is going on! CHRISTOPHER (swallows) My dads dead. Kowalski just came to tell me hes been alive (Alice marches at Christopher as Kowalski retreats to his briefcase and begins fumcling through papers.)

7. ALICE Chris, Isaac is missing. The whole camp has been looking for hours and they cant find him. I dont know how they keep losing him -CHRISTOPHER Hes just hiding out in the woods again. ALICE Eight-year-olds dont just hide out in the woods! CHRISTOPHER Okay fine, then they lost him. ALICE Yeah I know! Thats why I was calling you, but you didnt pick up your fucking phone so I had to drive over here to tell you. CHRISTOPHER Just call me when they find him. KOWALSKI (Holding two documents) Excuse me... Why did you call Christopher Chris? (Beat.) KOWALSKI Christopher, why did she call you Chris? ALICE (To Christopher) KOWALSKI (To Alice referencing Christopher)

Who is that?

Who is that?

(To Chris) Are you Christopher or Chris? Both. CHRISTOPHER (Kowalski looks between his papers... Then up at Christopher...) No... CHRISTOPHER

8. KOWALSKI Im sorry, madam, but your sons body was found a few hours ago. Precise time of death unknown. Natural causes...unlikely. (Christopher collapses to the floor... Alice begins to cry...) KOWALSKI The proper authorities will be here shortly. You may fall prey to a barrage of questions... (Kowalski removes another pie from his briefcase and places in beside he grieving couple.) KOWALSKI (EXITING) Ruhbarb. Its my favorite. KOWALSKI EXITS Christopher and Alice weep. THE END.