Prologo Nico Bomer Capitulo 1 - Fenix Capitulo 2 Cin Capitulo 3 Gabrauhl - traducido Capitulo 4 Gabrauhl Capitulo 5 Capitulo Capitulo

pitulo ! Capitulo " Capitulo # Capitulo 1$ Fenix Capitulo 11 Capitulo 12 Capitulo 13 Ga% Capitulo 14 Capitulo 15 Capitulo 1 Capitulo 1! Capitulo 1" Capitulo 1# Capitulo 2$ Capitulo 21 Capitulo 22 Capitulo 23 &pilogo -

STAY 'ell( )oone( Cop(right 2$13 'ell( )oone( *ma+h,ord+ &dition -hi+ eboo. i+ licen+ed /or (our per+onal en0o(ment onl(1 -hi+ eboo. ma( not be re-+old or gi2en a,a( to other people1 3/ (ou ,ould li.e to +hare thi+ boo. ,ith another per+on4 plea+e purcha+e an additional cop( /or each reader1 3/ (ou5re reading thi+ boo. and did not purcha+e it4 or it ,a+ not purcha+ed /or (our u+e onl(4 then plea+e delete it and purcha+e (our o,n cop(1 -han. (ou /or re+pecting the hard ,or. o/ thi+ author1

For my sister, Sheila. Contents Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter Chapter ! Chapter " Chapter # Chapter 1$ Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 1 Chapter 1! Chapter 1" Chapter 1# Chapter 2$ Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 &pilogue 6c.no,ledgement+

Prologue
*enior 7ear 3 got in1 -hi+ ,a+ m( /ir+t thought upon +eeing the thic. en2elope l(ing on the counter4 m( name t(ped in bold letter+1 &2er(one +a(+4 the thic.er the en2elope4 the better (our chance+1 8uic.l(4 3 ripped it open to +ee i/ m( dream had come true1 6nd it had1 For a /leeting moment4 it had1 -he 3nternational Culinar( *chool at the 6rt 3n+titute in 9a+hington ,ant+ me to ,or. to,ard m( 6++ociate+ degree ,hile learning the proper techni:ue+ o/ ba.ing4 pa+tr( ma.ing4 and culinar( art+1 -o learn ho, to ma.e a +ou//l; ,ithout it /lopping ,ould be a,e+ome1 3t5+ not li.e 3 hadn5t tried numerou+ time+4 but +omeone ,ould u+uall( come in4 open up the o2en4 or decided to ha2e a /riendl( +ho2ing match in the .itchen4 and the +ou//l;5 ,ould /lop a+ a re+ult1 </ cour+e4 the three idiot+ didn5t care-the(5d eat an(thing 3 put in /ront o/ them1 Good little guinea pig+4 including m( brother4 =erem(1 >u.e4 ?ean4 and =erem( ha2e been be+t /riend+ /or a+ long a+ 3 can remember1 -he( rarel( +eparate1 -he( pla(ed on the +ame >ittle >eague team+ gro,ing up4 dated girl+ in the +ame cli:ue+ at +chool4 had +leepo2er+ e2er( ,ee.end until the( ,ere almo+t /i/teen1 *leepo2er +till

happen no,4 but u+uall(4 ,hen the(5re drun. and co2ering /or +omeone1 -he choice o/ hou+e depended on ,ho i+ the +obere+t at night5+ end1 &2en though excitement ripped through me a+ 3 reread the ,ord+4 @Congratulation+ )argaret Collin+4A 3 .ne, it ,ould ne2er happen1 *ometime+ 3 ,a+n5t e2en +ure ,h( 3 put m(+el/ through the heartache1 352e al,a(+ been that girl ,ho ,anted to pro2e +omething1 Pro2e that 3 could get in4 e2en i/ 3 couldn5t a//ord the tuition1 6nd to be hone+t4 3 ,anted to get a+ /ar a,a( /rom home a+ po++ible1 =erem(4 >u.e4 and ?ean ,ere all going to North,e+tern together1 </ cour+e1 God /orbid the( go their +eparate ,a(+ /or once1 -he thing about ha2ing a bo( a+ a t,in-,hile it ,a+ great mo+t o/ the time4 m( /ather5+ +alar( a+ a +mall-to,n police o//icer meant the budget didn5t lea2e a lot o/ exce++4 e+peciall( +ince m( mom didn5t ,or.1 =erem( got hi+ licen+e /ir+tB he +cored the car to dri2e u+ around1 3 ,a+ told earl( on that he ,a+ the bo(4 and that5+ the ,a( the coo.ie crumbled1 Cn/ortunatel( /or me he got e2er(thing he e2er ,anted1 6nd becau+e 3 lo2ed him more than an(thing4 3 ne2er let him .no, ho, much it bothered me1 6nd 3 ne2er begrudged him /or hi+ happine++1 3t 0u+t ,a+n5t in m( ?N6 to hold him accountable1 *o4 3 +till had no idea ,h( 3 let m(+el/ e2en tr( to grab hold o/ that bra++ ring1 =erem( ,a+ the one ,ho got accepted to the +chool o/ hi+ dream+ and actuall( got to li2e it1 *ince childhood4 m( brother and hi+ /riend+ had idoli%ed North,e+tern5+ /ootball team1 No, the three+ome ,ouldn5t +top tal.ing about going to the game+4 ,hich /rat the( ,ere going to 0oin4 the girl+ the( ,ere going to la(1 3t ,a+ nau+eating and pain/ul to hear ho, the( could 0u+t ca+t me a+ide1 >i.e a/ter all the+e (ear+4 3 no longer mattered1 -hat 3 could be pu+hed a,a( ,hile the( li2e their dream li2e+1 3 ,anted to cr( about m( acceptance4 and 3 ,anted to do it ,here no one ,ould +ee me1 -he three idiot+ ,ere in the /amil( room pla(ing Dbox4 and m( mother ,a+ in the .itchen ma.ing her /amou+ chili1 3t al,a(+ ama%ed me ho, hi+ /riend+ ,ere al,a(+ in2ited /or meal+4 but i/ one o/ m( /riend+ ,ere o2er4 ,hich ,a+ rare4 the( ,ere politel( a+.ed to lea2e1 3t ,a+ probabl( better to .eep girl+ a,a( /rom here an(,a(1 For completel( other rea+on+1 3 /ound m(+el/ in the dollhou+e in our bac.(ard1 )( grand/ather built it /or me ,hen 3 turned +ix1 3t ,a+ painted a robin5+ egg blue on the out+ide4 ,ith t,o little ,indo,+ adorned ,ith pale (ello, curtain+ that m( grandmother had +titched1 -here ,a+ e2en a giant ledge ,ith a /e, +leeping bag+ to++ed on top that (ou could +leep on i/ need be1 3 actuall( had a /e, time+1 3t ,a+ m( piti/ul e+cape /rom realit(1 3 +aid piti/ul becau+e it ,a+ onl( t,ent( /eet a,a( /rom the ma0orit( o/ m( problem+1 6nd 3 /ound it damn near impo++ible to pretend m( problem+ didn5t exi+t1 9hen (ou5re little4 (ou expect the ,orld to be per/ect-/ull o/ rainbo,+ and prett( butter/lie+1 7ou tru+t the people ,ho +urround (ou4 ,ho are +uppo+ed to lo2e (ou1 B( the tender age o/ nine4 3 /ound that to be total bull+hit1 >i/e a+ 3 .ne, it ,ould ne2er be an(thing other than tr(ing to +ur2i2e another night in m( bedroom1 @9hat are (ou doing out hereEA 3 0umped hearing the deep boom o/ hi+ 2oice1 9hen 3 opened m( e(e+4 >u.e ,a+ leaning on the ledge o/ ,here 3 ,a+ l(ing do,n1 Fi+ arm+ ,ere cro++ed4 hi+ chin re+ting on hi+ .nuc.le+4 e(e+ /ixed on me1 3 ,iped a,a( the tear+4 :uic.l( +itting up1 @Nothing1A Fi+ hand+ grabbed hold o/ m( ,ai+t4 li/ting me do,n until m( /eet touched the ,ooden /loor1 Fe +,iped a,a( a /e, tear+ ,ith the bac. o/ hi+ hand1 @3t5+ not nothing1 9h( are (ou cr(ingEA

)( e(e+ +hi/ted to the en2elope and then bac. to him1 @3 got in1A Fi+ concerned /ace +hi/ted immediatel( to a huge4 happ( +mile1 Fe pic.ed me up and +pun me around1 @9ell4 that5+ great4 )ag+1 7ou did it1A Fe placed me bac. do,n4 but +till .ept hi+ hand+ around m( middle1 @3/ (ou need an( re/erence+ /or tho+e mad ba.ing +.ill+4 35m (our man1 3 lo2e e2er(thing (ou ma.e /or me1A Fi+ /inger tapped the tip o/ m( no+e be/ore he bru+hed it ,ith a +imple .i++1 3 /ro,ned4 unable to hide m( true /eeling+1 Fe noticed right a,a( and pulled me into him1 3 buried m( head into hi+ che+t4 +obbing1 @9hat5+ ,rong4 thenEA -he thing ,ith >u.e ,a+ ,eird1 9e ,ere al,a(+ together becau+e o/ hi+ /riend+hip ,ith =erem(4 but >u.e and 3 +hared a +eparate /riend+hip that /e, people under+tood1 &2en =erem( didn5t get it1 &2en though =er and 3 ,ere 2er( clo+e4 >u.e and 3 had a bond that +tarted a long time ago1 Fe dated other girl+ and 3 dated other bo(+4 but ,e al,a(+ loo.ed out /or one another4 and ,e al,a(+ ,ere there to /ix one another ,hen nece++ar(1 @7ou .no, 3 can5t go1 3t5+ too much mone(1 &+peciall( ,ith North,e+tern1A 3 .ne, 3 +hould pull a,a(4 but 3 +ecretl( lo2ed ,hen he held me1 6nd4 although 3 ,a+ po+iti2e he held no romantic /eeling+ to,ard me4 he al,a(+ let me hold on a+ long a+ 3 needed1 @?id (ou tal. to =erem(E )a(be (ou t,o could /igure +omething out ,here (ou both get (our dream+1A 3 +hoo. m( head4 +till +obbing1 @No1 3 don5t ,ant to do that to him1 Fe5+ +o excited1A >u.e pulled bac.4 running hi+ hand+ do,n m( arm+ until our /inger+ intert,ined1 @*top doing that4 Blue1 7ou de+er2e to be happ( 0u+t a+ much a+ he doe+1A Fe5d been calling me Blue e2er +ince ,e ,ere /re+hmen in high +chool1 Fe told me one night a/ter +ome bo( drama at a part(1 *ean 9illiam+ tried a /e, mo2e+ on me that 3 didn5t appreciate1 >u.e /ound me all up+et4 tear+ in m( e(e+4 and he had called me Blue /or the 2er( /ir+t time1 Fe +aid m( e(e+ ,ere the mo+t beauti/ul that he5d e2er +een1 3t ,a+ +omething 3 lo2ed1 3 pulled m( hand+ out o/ hi+ and dried m( tear+ ,ith the hem o/ m( +hirt1 @?on5t ,orr( about me1 35ll go to +tate +chool or the +hitt( communit( college1 3t5ll ,or. out1A Fe +ighed and o//ered a +mall4 com/orting +mile1 >u.e ,a+ 2er( a,are o/ ho, 35d let thing+ +lide m( ,hole li/e4 ,hile =erem( ne2er ga2e up one thing1 6nd4 3 didn5t belie2e =erem( did it /or an( other rea+on than ignorance1 Fe ne2er +eemed to notice that 3 al,a(+ ended up ,ith the ra, end o/ the deal1 @7ou could al,a(+ 2i+it u+1 &2er( ,ee.end 3 expect to +ee (ou1 7ou can be our illegal ,hene2er (ou ,ant1A 3 ga2e him a big hug4 +miling at hi+ ,ord+1 >u.e4 =erem(4 and ?ean alread( recei2ed appro2al to be roommate+ in +tudent hou+ing1 )ean,hile4 3 ,a+ once again pu+hed to the +ide to /igure out m( o,n li/e ,ith %ero guidance /rom m( parent+1 GGG Nineteen month+ later-*ophomore 7ear 3t ,a+ a Frida( night4 and 3 ,a+ in >u.e5+ bed at North,e+tern4 ,aiting /or him to come bac. /rom bru+hing hi+ teeth1 9e5d +pent the /ir+t hour or +o at hi+ /raternit( hou+e4 one ,here he didn5t li2e in (et4 but ,ould be the /ollo,ing (ear1 Fi+ 0unior (ear1 >u.e being >u.e4 he noticed almo+t immediatel( that +omething ,a+ o// ,ith me ,hen 3 didn5t allo, him to pull me onto the ma.e+hi/t dance /loor1 Fi+ e(e+ patientl( +canned m( /ace4 hi+ no+e +crunched up4 e(ebro,+ /urro,ed1 @9hat5+ ,rong4 bab(EA Fi+ lip+ nu%%led m( nec.4 ta.ing a nip or t,o1

@Nothing1 3 0u+t don5t /eel good1 ?o (ou thin. ,e could lea2eEA Fe pulled a,a(4 +canned the room :uic.l(4 and then hi+ ga%e /ell bac. on me1 @7eah4 let me /ind =er and tell him1A >u.e ,al.ed a,a( +lo,l(4 glancing bac. li.e he ,a+ tr(ing to /igure out +ome di//icult cro++,ord pu%%le1 6/ter grabbing a pi%%a that >u.e in+i+ted ,e pic. up4 he held m( hand +o/tl( in hi+1 &2er( /e, +econd+ 35d /eel hi+ ga%e lea2e the road to glance o2er at me1 @*o4 are (ou going to tell me ,hat5+ ,rong4 or am 3 +uppo+ed to gue++EA 3/ he onl( .ne,1 3 /orced a +mile and turned to him1 @3t5+ nothing1 35m 0u+t a little tired1A >u.e pulled into the par.ing lot and then ,al.ed around to m( +ide to help me out1 *omething he al,a(+ in+i+ted on doing1 6l,a(+ the gentlemen1 &2er( time 3 tried to get out on m( o,n4 he5d loo. at me and +a(4 @7ou .no, m( mother didn5t rai+e me to be an arrogant a++hole1 >et me get the door /or (ou1A 6/ter a ,hile4 3 ga2e in1 3t +eemed to ma.e him /eel better1 -he ,hole night he5d gone on and on about ho, much /un +chool ,a+4 and ho, college li/e had been ,a( more than he5d e2er anticipated1 Fe hated the /act that 3 onl( +a, him on the ,ee.end+4 but under+tood +ince 3 ,a+ ta.ing a /ull load at the local communit( college1 3 had e2en +tarted chec.ing into +ome e2ening coo.ing cla++e+1 But4 three da(+ prior to +pending the ,ee.end ,ith him4 m( li/e changed4 and 3 didn5t ha2e the heart to ta.e it all a,a( /rom him1 Fe couldn5t be a part o/ me an(more1 3 had to let him go1 6/ter ,e both had our /ill o/ one another4 it ,a+ +omething 3 ne2er thought 35d e2er ,ant to gi2e up1 -he one beauti/ul thing about >u.e ,a+ that it ,a+ ne2er 0u+t about +ex4 or getting to the /ini+h line1 9hen ,e ,ere together he made lo2e to me4 tenderl(4 pa++ionatel(4 e2er( time4 and he +ure a+ hell al,a(+ let me .no, ho, +pecial 3 ,a+ to him1 ?eep do,n 3 .ne, ho, +trong hi+ /eeling+ ,ere4 but 3 al+o thought he5d under+tand m( deci+ion and e2entuall( mo2e on1 9e ,ere both +o (oung1 6nd 3 ,a+ +cared1 )a(be he .ne, +omething ,a+ ,rong b( the ,a( 35d acted earlier4 but 3 ,a+n5t +ure1 9e al,a(+ tal.ed about our /uture together li.e it ,a+ a no-brainer4 but /or +ome rea+on that night he made me promi+e him that no matter ,hat happened4 or ,hat ,ent ,rong4 that 3 ,ould come to him be/ore doing an(thing that 35d regret1 3 ,anted to1 3 did1 3 lo2ed him more than an(thing in thi+ ,orld and 3 reall( thought long and hard about m( deci+ion1 For the /ir+t time in m( li/e4 3 lied to the onl( man 35d e2er lo2ed1 6nd probabl( ,ould e2er lo2e1 3 lied to >u.e )atthe,+1 6+ he held me in hi+ arm+4 hi+ index /inger +lid +lo,l( do,n until it reached m( .nee1 Fe ,rapped hi+ +trong hand4 li/ting m( leg4 placing it o2er hi+1 Fi+ mouth ho2ered o2er mine4 almo+t .i++ing me4 but 0u+t a breath a,a(1 @-ell me ,hat5+ ,rong1 3 ,ant to /ix it1A @3t5+ nothing1A Fe too. a deep breath and then exhaled4 .i++ing the corner o/ m( mouth4 then the other +ide1 @3 .no, (ou4 )ag+1 3 .no, (ou better than (ou .no, (our+el/1 >et me /ix ,hate2er it i+ that5+ bothering (ouEA 3 ,anted to cr( and tell him e2er(thing1 3 ,anted him to /ix it li.e he al,a(+ did4 but thi+ ,a+ the one thing he couldn5t /ix1 6nd 3 ,a+n5t +ure i/ he5d e2er under+tand1 <r be able to loo. at me the +ame ,a( once he .ne, e2er(thing1 >u.e hadn5t ta.en hi+ e(e+ o// o/ me4 +o 3 held bac. the tear+1 @3 lo2e (ou /or ,anting to tr(4 but (ou can5t thi+ time1A Fe coc.ed hi+ head +canning m( /ace /or a minute be/ore he +po.e again1 @3+ it +choolE 6re (ou doing o.a(EA 3 +hoo. m( head1 @*chool5+ /ine1A >u.e grinned1 @3 almo+t /orgot1A Fe pu+hed a,a( /rom me4 +hu//ling o2er to hi+ de+.4

and ri/led through a bunch o/ paper+1 Fe pounced bac. on the bed li.e an excited .id on Chri+tma+ morning1 @3 got +omething /or (ou1 9ell4 3 did +ome in2e+tigation /or (ou1A Fe held the manila /older o2er hi+ head4 ma.ing me reach out /or it1 @Be/ore 3 gi2e thi+ to (ou4 (ou need to promi+e me not to get all pi++(1A 3 rolled m( e(e+1 @3 promi+e1A Fe bent o2er and .i++ed me :uic.l( on the no+e1 @<.a(1 6nd 3 lo2e (ou1 *o4 3 thin. (ou +hould do thi+ /or the /all +eme+ter or the( ha2e +ome +ummer cour+e+ too1A 3 opened the /older4 :uic.l( +canning the brochure+1 -he French Pa+tr( *chool here in Chicago1 -ear+ ,elled in m( e(e+4 going o2er the di//erent thing+ 3 could +tud(4 the boo.+4 the /act that the( had no hou+ing on campu+4 the tuition1 3t ,a+ expen+i2e1 3 alread( .ne, thi+ +ince 35d chec.ed into thi+ +chool t,o (ear+ ago4 but the cit( ,a+n5t /ar enough o/ an e+cape1 >u.e patientl( ,aited /or me to /ini+h be/ore +a(ing an(thing1 <nce 3 ,a+ /inall( able to loo. up into hi+ e(e+4 he +miled1 @3 .no, it5+ a lot o/ mone(4 but ,e could do +ome re+earch on /inancial aid and it ,ould mean (ou could li2e do,nto,n1 7ou5d be clo+er to me4 and ,e ,ouldn5t 0u+t +ee each other on the ,ee.end+4 or the occa+ional H3 need to +ee )aggie right no,5 night+1 Be+ide+4 35ll be li2ing at the hou+e4 +o (ou could +ta( ,ith me a+ much a+ (ou ,ant1A Fe +tudied m( /ace1 3 ,a+ +till +peechle++ that he thought o/ all thi+1 But4 3 didn5t .no, ,h( it ,ould +urpri+e me1 >u.e al,a(+ .ne, the right thing to do4 the thing+ that made me happ(1 3 +miled4 tear+ /illing m( e(e+1 @Fe(4 c5mon1 3 didn5t do thi+ to ma.e (ou cr(1 7ou5re +uppo+ed to be happ(1A 3 li/ted up on m( elbo,+4 dropping the /older to the +ide1 @?on5t e2er /orget that 3 lo2e (ou4 o.a(E 35ll al,a(+ lo2e (ou4 >u.e1A Fe ,atched me /or a beat4 +miling1 @Ne2er1A >u.e .i++ed me +o gentl( that 3 barel( /elt hi+ lip+1 @7ou5re not acting li.e (our+el/4 +o don5t tell me +omething i+n5t ,rongE =u+t promi+e me4 )aggie4 that (ou5ll thin. about the +chool1 7ou .no, (ou could tal. to me about an(thing1A 3 put on m( be+t po.er /ace on4 pulling him on top o/ me /or round t,o1 @3 promi+e1A <nce he dri/ted o//4 3 :uic.l( pulled out the goodb(e letter+ 35d ,ritten to him and m( brother4 lea2ing them on hi+ night+tand1 3 ,a+n5t +ure i/ 3 ,a+ e2er going to come bac.4 but 3 .ne, 3 ,anted him to ha2e the li/e he5d al,a(+ ,anted1 -he one he ra2ed about more time+ than 3 could count4 the one that lit up hi+ /ace ,hen he tal.ed about all the /anta+tic po++ibilitie+1 -hing+ li.e getting hi+ bachelor5+ degree4 going to grad +chool4 ma(be e2en tra2eling the ,orld /or a (ear1 Fo, could 3 ta.e all o/ that a,a(E Fe de+er2ed e2er( bit o/ happine++1 35d ne2er let m(+el/ be that girl ,ho he regretted4 the one ,ho held him bac. /rom hi+ dream+1 3 ma( ha2e had to let go o/ mine4 but 3 ,a+n5t going to let him /orget hi+1 3 .i++ed him gentl( on the mouth4 be/ore granting m(+el/ one long4 pain/ul glance at hi+ beauti/ul /ace1 3 ,a+ +cared to death to go out on m( o,n4 but tho+e la+t /e, da(+ 3 /ound the courage and +trength to ,al. a,a(1 *omething 3 ne2er thought 35d do4 but no, had to1 3 ,a+ +o tired o/ the glare+ m( mother ,ould +hoot me1 -he unea+( ,a( m( /ather ga,.ed at me1 -he con+tant reminder o/ being around him and +till li2ing under the +ame roo/1 6nd more than an(thing 3 needed to e+cape that bed1 -he one 3 had to +leep in e2er( night +ince he touched me1 -he one that 3 u+ed to lo2e ,hen 3 ,a+ a little girl1 -he /rill( blan.et+4 the /lu//(4 pin. pillo,+1 &2er( damn night 3 pra(ed he ,ouldn5t come in4 0u+t +taring at the door.nob4 pra(ing to God that it ,ouldn5t turn1 )( o,n room4 the one that5+ +uppo+ed to be e2er( girl5+ +anctuar(4 haunted me ,hile 3 +lept4 and e2en more +o ,hen 3 ,a+ a,a.e1 3 re/u+ed to do it an(more1

Chapter 1
)aggie Fi/teen month+ a/ter lea2ing >u.e @3 heard (ou got the 0ob1 Congrat+I 35m )ax4 in ca+e (ou /orgot1A Fe +tuc. out hi+ hand +o 3 too. it1 )ax ,a+ bo(-next- door cute1 Bro,ni+h blond hair4 dimple+4 adorable pupp(-dog bro,n e(e+1 Fe ,a+ the .ind o/ gu( ,ho mo+t girl+ ,ould drop their pantie+ /or ,ithout e2en :ue+tioning it1 @No4 o/ cour+e 3 didn5t /orget1 -han. (ou /or getting me the inter2ie,1 7ou ha2e no idea ho, much 3 needed thi+1A 3t had been late ,hen their +mall group ,al.ed in1 -here ,ere three +cantil( dre++ed ,omen and t,o gu(+1 3 +tood behind the counter e(eing them be/ore 3 made m( ,a( o2er to ta.e their order1 -he cuter gu( 3 noticed .ept ,atching me but turned ,hen m( e(e+ met hi+1 3mmediatel(4 3 blu+hed1 Fe ,a+ adorable1 6pproaching their table had me +o ner2ou+4 and /or the li/e o/ me4 3 couldn5t /igure out ,h(1 )a(be it ,a+ the ,a( the girl+ ,ere dre++ed4 their Barbie-doll ma.eup4 or ma(be it ,a+ the ,a( hot-and-hand+ome +tared me do,n li.e he ,a+ in the de+ert and 3 ,a+ a mirage o/ ,ater1 &ither ,a(4 m( +tomach /lipped li.e 3 ,a+ bac. in +ixth grade and tr(ing out /or the cheerleading team1 @9hat can 3 get /or (ouEA 3 +,ore each ,ord came out 0umbled and non+en+ical1 6/ter +er2ing their /ood and drin.+4 3 +tood bac. +a/el( behind the counter4 li+tening to them rant about their tip+ and ho, much the( hated their 0ob+4 but ho, the( could ne2er gi2e it up1 6 /e, minute+ later4 the( /iled out1 &xcept /or him1 Fe +auntered o2er4 head do,n4 an ob2iou+ grin on hi+ /ace1 <nce he reached me4 he loo.ed up and held out hi+ hand1 @Fe(4 35m )ax1A 3 too. hi+ hand in mine1 3t /elt ,arm and in2iting1 @35m )aggie1A @*o4 li+ten1 3 don5t .no, i/ (ou5d be intere+ted4 but ,e need +ome help at the club1 9e5re hiring a coc.tail ,aitre++ and b( the loo. on (our /ace a+ the girl+ tal.ed about it4 ,ell4 (ou +eemed intrigued1A 3 bit do,n on m( lip1 Fi+ e(e+ +tudied m( mouth /or a +econd4 but then trained them bac. to m( e(e+1 @7eah4 um111an(,a(4 here5+ the addre++ i/ (ou ,ant to gi2e it a +hot1 Be there tomorro,1 35ll tell =imm( (ou might be +topping in1A )( mouth dr( no,4 3 /ound m( 2oice1 @3 don5t .no, i/ 3 could ,or. there1A Fe +miled li.e he under+tood1 @3t5+ not that bad1 =u+t be there b( +ix and a+. /or =imm( tomorro,1 >i.e 3 +aid4 35ll let him .no, about (ou1A -hat ,a+ t,o ,ee.+ ago1 -hi+ ,a+ the /ir+t time 35d +een )ax +ince that night1 Fe +hrugged4 +miling1 @3t5+ no big deal1 9e52e all been there1 3t5+ a tough cit( and a little help goe+ a long ,a(1 But4 3 /eel li.e 3 need to ,arn (ou about tonight1A 3 mu+t52e gone pale4 and 3 .no, 3 cringed at hi+ ,ord+4 but he laughed a+ he cleaned a gla++1 @No4 no1 3t5+ nothing li.e that1 -here5+ a bachelor part( +cheduled /or tonight1 9ell4 little girl4 get read( to be bro.en into thi+ bu+ine++ :uic.l(1A @<hIA 3 could /eel the color coming bac. to m( chee.+1 Fo, bad could a bachelor part( beE Fe placed the gla++ do,n and to++ed the bar rag o2er hi+ +houlder1 @7eah4 and 111 (ou don5t loo. li.e the .ind o/ 111 ho, do 3 +a( thi+ ,ithout hurting (our /eeling+EA

Fe e(ed me /rom head to toe but grinned li.e he ,a+ en0o(ing the 2ie,1 3 peered do,n1 3 thought 3 loo.ed o.a(1 6 little bit li.e a hal/-na.ed tramp4 but 3 tried to maintain m( appearance4 plu+ a little extra naught( added to the en+emble1 @35m 0u+t gonna +a( it1 7ou .ind o/ +tand out1 7ou got the ,hole innocent 2ibe thing going4 and tho+e e(e+1 Fuc. tho+e e(e+1A Fe blu+hed4 acting +h( all o/ a +udden4 unable to loo. at me1 3 too. a ner2ou+ +tep bac.1 @Cm4 (eah4 an(,a(4 0u+t be care/ul1 -he( can get prett( touch(1A Famou+ la+t ,ord+ that meant m( night ,a+ probabl( heading +traight /or the +hitter1 -he /ir+t thing 3 did ,a+ run into the bathroom to ma.e +ure 3 loo.ed the part1 Fo, hard could +er2ing coc.tail+ beE 3t couldn5t be much harder than +linging burger+ and /rie+4 rightE Granted4 3 loo.ed li.e a +lut doing it4 but ho, hard could it beE 6nd4 i/ +omeone touched me4 35d +mile and tell them to +top1 No biggie1 3 +tudied m( out/it in the mirror and tipped m( head /rom +ide to +ide4 tr(ing to /igure out ,hat 3 ,a+ mi++ing1 )ore clothe+- that5+ ,hat 3 ,a+ mi++ing1 6 minute later4 it da,ned on me that 3 totall( loo.ed li.e Britne( *pear+ in her @Fit )e Bab( <ne )ore -imeA 2ideo1 -he +hort plaid +choolgirl +.irt4 the ,hite dre++ +hirt tied baring m( bell(4 the little cardigan4 blac.4 .neehigh bi.er boot+1 3 e2en had the matching braid+4 although m( hair ,a+ much dar.er1 3 +ighed1 3 thought 3 loo.ed cute /or m( /ir+t night1 No, 3 ,a+ a/raid that 3 ,a+ in ,a( o2er m( head1 9hat bu+ine++ did a +mall-to,n girl /rom the Chicago +uburb+ ha2e in a place li.e thi+E 3 ga2e m(+el/ a pep tal. in the mirror1 3 needed the mone(1 *omeda( 3 ,a+ going to get m( dream4 and i/ thi+ it ,hat it too.4 +o be it1

Chapter 2
)aggie -he /ir+t three month+ at the club ,eren5t that bad-the cra%( co+tume+ had4 +o /ar4 been m( onl( i++ue1 @Can 3 get t,o =ac. and ginger+4 )axEA )ax lei+urel( +trolled o2er and placed the drin.+ on m( tra(4 but the +mall +mile that e+caped hi+ lip+ let me .no, he ,anted to +a( +omething1 6+ 3 repo+itioned the drin.+4 hi+ /inger+ gra%ed mine1 @7ou coming out tonightEA 3 pulled a,a( at hi+ touch1 @3 don5t .no,1 35m .ind o/ beat1 3 ,a+ up all night1 3 +,ear m( neighbor ha+ +omeone ne, in there e2er( night1A 3 grabbed a +tac. o/ coc.tail nap.in+1 @9here5+ e2er(one goingEA @=u+t to the diner to grab a bite-the u+ual 2 a1m1 meal1A 3t5+ +omething a /e, o/ u+ do a/ter the ,ee.da( +hi/t+1 <nce the club i+ clo+ed4 ,e clean up and head a bloc. a,a( to grab /ood at the all-night diner ,here 3 u+ed to ,or.1 9e52e been doing it +ince 3 +tarted thi+ 0ob4 but tonight 3 didn5t ha2e it in me1 -hat diner had been m( /ir+t 0ob in the Big 6pple4 the one ,here )ax had /ound me4 +o it ,a+ +pecial1 Jegardle++4 3 had no energ( to go1 )( /eet ,ere .illing me /rom the damn heel+1 Part o/ the uni/orm1 Not open /or debate1 Fal/ m( a++ ,a+ hanging out o/ m( out/it4 and the garter+ attached to m( +toc.ing+ irritated m( thigh+1 -he combination made me /eel tramp(1 6nd 3 /orgot to bring a +pare +et o/ clothe+1 3 didn5t ,ant to go out in public dre++ed li.e thi+1 Bad enough men grope and +tare at me all nightonce 35m out o/ the light+ o/ thi+ barB 3 ,ant nothing but m( 0ean+ and --+hirt+1 3 onl( ,or.ed there /or the mone(4 +ince 3 had %ero +.ill+ /or the real ,orld1 6lthough4 +o man( time+ ,hen 3 loo.ed around me4 3 reali%ed that thi+ ,a+ the real ,orld4 the one 3 ,a+ li2ing

in no,4 not the one 3 u+ed to .no,1 -hat ,a+ all +mo.e and mirror+1 3t pained me to lea2e =erem( ,ithout letting him +a( goodb(e4 lea2ing onl( a +tupid note +tating 3 needed to be /ree o/ that li/e4 the one 35d been +lo,l( dro,ning in1 6 +tin.( note ,a+ the +ole thing 3 le/t behind /or the t,o mo+t important people in m( li/e1 6 +tin.( note1 9ho doe+ thatE 3 mi++ed them both +o much that e2er( night4 3 ,a+ haunted b( the thought+ o/ ,hat 3 did1 &+peciall( >u.e1 -here ,a+ one thing 3 ,a+ ,or.ing on changing that made me happ(1 35d been ta.ing a /e, cheap coo.ing cla++e+ to hone m( +.ill+1 &2en though it drained m( ban. account on a monthl( ba+i+1 Cold +ho,er+ and peanut butter +and,iche+ had become m( /aith/ul /riend+1 But 3 didn5t mind1 3t ,ould be ,orth all the +acri/ice+ ,hen 3 /inall( had m( o,n ba.er(1 @9ell4 i/ (ou can5t come tonight4 ma(be ,e could do +omething be/ore ,or. tomorro,1 9hat do (ou +a(E 7ou and meEA )ax a+.ed a+ he ,iped do,n the bar1 3 li.ed )ax4 3 did1 9hat ,a+ not to li.eE Fe ,a+ +,eet1 Fe al,a(+ made +ure 3 ,a+ +a/el( tuc.ed in m( apartment a/ter ,e ,or.ed +hi/t+ together1 Fe5d al,a(+ been there /or me-a+ a /riend1 But latel(4 35d +tarted to get the /eeling that he ,anted +omething more1 3t ,a+ the little thing+4 li.e ho, he ,atched me /rom the bar4 or ,hene2er ,e ,ent out a+ a group4 he made +ure he +at next to me4 +earching /or di//erent ,a(+ to touch me1 3 +tared at hi+ right arm /or +e2eral +econd+4 admiring hi+ +lee2e tattoo ,ondering ,hat the in.ing5+ meant1 9hen he +napped hi+ /inger+ lightl( in /ront o/ m( /ace4 pulling me out o/ m( thought+4 3 blu+hed1 @35d li.e that1 Pic. me up at +e2en1A Fe grinned ,idel( be/ore turning to a cu+tomer (elling /or a beer1 God4 ,a+ thi+ a dateE *hitI 9a+ 3 reall( going out ,ith )ax the bartender ,ho ,or.ed in the +ame +trip club ,here 3 /launted m( a++E 7e+4 apparentl( 3 ,a+1 3t ,a+ time to mo2e on1 Forget the pa+t1 3t5d been long enough1 *o man( time+ 3 ,anted to go bac. home4 but 3 ,a+n5t bra2e enough1 )ax ,a+ a good gu(1 Fe didn5t /lirt ,ith an(one-,ell4 +ometime+ ,ith me4 but he minded hi+ bu+ine++4 did hi+ 0ob4 and +ta(ed out o/ trouble1 =imm( lo2ed him4 but 3 thin. +ecretl( it ,a+ becau+e =imm( pla(ed /or the other team4 and )ax ,a+ 2er( ea+( on the e(e+1 =imm( had (et to come out o/ the clo+et ,ith an( o/ u+4 but ,e all .ne,1 3t ,a+n5t li.e an( o/ u+ ,ould care1 3t ,a+ /ric.in5 Ne, 7or. Cit(1 6n(thing and e2er(thing ,a+ di//erent here1 6/ter ta.ing a might( cold +ho,er the next e2ening4 +ince the building rarel( had hot ,ater1 9arm +ho,er+ ,ere a luxur(1 6 luxur( 3 couldn5t a//ord1 3t ,a+ bad enough 3 had to eat (ogurt pa+t the expiration date4 or +tomach +our mil. once in a ,hile be/ore )ax got me the 0ob1 Pa(ing /or m( coo.ing cla++e+ al,a(+ too. precedence1 >uc.il( ,ith the tip+4 it5d been +e2eral ,ee.+ +ince thing+ in m( /ridge ,ent rancid1 35d 0u+t /ini+hed putting on a +econd coat o/ ma+cara ,hen the bu%%er announced hi+ arri2al1 3 ,a+ a little ner2ou+ but excited to be alone ,ith )ax /or a /e, hour+1 &arlier 35d e2en +nea.ed a cigarette or t,o to calm m( ner2e+1 3t ,a+ a na+t( habit 35d pic.ed up a /e, month+ a/ter ,al.ing a,a( /rom >u.e1 35d con2inced m(+el/ it ,a+ o.a( +ince 3 onl( +mo.ed ,hen m( ner2e+ got the be+t o/ me4 but that +eemed to happen on a dail( ba+i+1 3 ,a+ no, that per+on1 -he one ,ho belie2ed the( didn5t ha2e a problem1 3 ,a+ not an @o//icial +mo.erA +ince 3 didn5t +mo.e e2er(da(1 9ho ,a+ 3 .iddingE But4 at lea+t 3 hadn5t turned to drug+ or alcohol to combat m( li/e li.e +o man( people that 35d met +ince then1 <n top o/ ma.ing +e2eral 2i+it+ to a +upport group /or +ur2i2or+ o/ the +exuall( abu+ed4

35d attended a /e, 66 cla++e+ ,ith the guidance o/ m( therapi+t4 e2en though 3 ,a+n5t a drin.er1 *he had been clean /or /i/teen (ear+4 and thought it ,ould bene/it me to hear a /e, /amiliar +torie+1 3 ,ent to a /e, +e++ion+ ,ith her to +upport her4 met +ome ama%ing people4 and li+tened1 *o man( time+ it ,a+ li.e m( +tor( ,a+ on repeat4 but it ,a+n5t me tal.ing1 3 .ne, 3 ,a+n5t alone1 3 .ne, it happened all the time4 but it +till le/t me ,ith a +en+e o/ di+tru+t1 -hat lo++ o/ +ecurit( that (our /amil( ,a+ +uppo+ed to deli2er-unconditional lo2e and all that1 3 didn5t ha2e that /rom m( parent+1 3 did ,ith =erem(4 ?ean and >u.e4 but not m( o,n mother or /ather1 3 +tarted to ,onder ho, could 3 reall( lo2e +omeone enough i/ 3 couldn5t lo2e m(+el/ ,holl(1 3 /elt tainted1 <ur +hi/t+ didn5t +tart until ten4 +o that ga2e u+ a /e, hour+ to get to .no, one another out+ide o/ ,or.4 a,a( /rom our co,or.er+1 3t5d been a long time +ince 35d let an(one get remotel( clo+e1 3 +ighed4 brie/l( thin.ing o/ >u.e a+ 3 made m( ,a( to the /ront door1 God4 3 mi++ed >u.e1 &2er(thing about him1 3 ,i+hed he could52e /ixed me1 3 ,i+hed 3 had the +trength to reach out to him and tell him to come get me1 But4 3 didn5t1 Fe .ne, the truth no,4 and 3 re/u+ed to +tare into tho+e e(e+ to onl( +ee pit(1 3 couldn5t /athom him e2er( being able to loo. at me li.e nothing happened1 -hat 3 ,a+n5t bro.en1 Becau+e 3 +ure a+ hell /elt li.e 3 ,a+1 @Fello4A 3 +po.e into the box a+ 3 pre++ed the gra( button1 @3t5+ )ax1A @Come on up1 35m almo+t read(4A 3 +aid be/ore bu%%ing him in+ide1 3 didn5t li2e in the greate+t neighborhood4 +o the bu%%er made me /eel +ome,hat +a/er1 6+ did the three extra deadbolt+ 3 had =imm( in+tall a/ter getting the crap +cared out o/ me a /e, month+ bac.1 *ome drun. had gotten in+ide and made a huge +cene loo.ing /or hi+ girl/riend ,ho u+ed to li2e in m( apartment1 3 ,a+ renting /rom =imm( ,ho happened to o,n thi+ building a+ ,ell a+ the club1 3t ,a+ one o/ tho+e apartment building+ con+idered lo,-income hou+ing1 =imm( li.ed o,ning it becau+e it ,a+ guaranteed that he5d recei2e the monthl( rent /rom hi+ other tenant+ +ince the +tate paid their bill+1 *ub+idi%ed hou+ing at it+ /ine+t1 3 opened the door a minute later to +ee )ax 0ogging up the +tep+1 Fe +topped4 hi+ e(e+ loc.ed ,ith mine1 @9o,I 7ou loo. great1 352e ne2er +een (ou ,ith (our hair do,n1A 6b+entmindedl(4 3 ran m( /inger+ through m( dar.4 ,a2( hair1 @7eah4 3 li.e to .eep it up ,hen 35m ,or.ing1 3t get+ hot in there ,ith all the light+1A -he corner o/ hi+ mouth li/ted +lightl( to a +mall +mile1 @7ou +hould ,ear it do,n more o/ten1A 3 +miled bac.1 @>et me grab m( uni/orm4A 3 +aid4 rolling m( e(e+1 )( uni/orm changed depending on the night1 3t ,a+ Frida(4 +o 35d be ,earing a leopard leotard that enhanced e2er(thing4 a garter belt clipped to blac. +il. +toc.ing+4 and a long tail attached to m( a++1 3 hated thi+ one4 but it did bring in good tip+1 @*o4 ,here are ,e goingEA 3 a+.ed4 loc.ing the door behind u+1 @3 hope (ou li.e *pani+h /ood1 -here5+ thi+ little tapa+ re+taurant not /ar /rom ,or.4 +o 3 thought ,e5d +top in there4 ha2e a bite1 )a(be a drin. or t,o1A @-hat5+ +ound+ great1A >ei+urel(4 ,e ,al.ed do,n the +treet4 but a/ter +e2eral minute+ o/ me rambling4 )ax5+ /inger+ lin.ed ,ith mine4 putting me at ea+e1 Fe +:uee%ed once4 letting me .no, he ,a+ +till pa(ing attention1 Fi+ hand /elt com/ortable in mine4 the ,a( it /it4 ho, +trong it /elt1 3t reminded me o/ >u.e /or a +plit +econd1 3 +hoo. m( head4 clinging to )ax5+ hand4 tr(ing to era+e >u.e /rom m( memor(1 3t ,a+ a +hame to e2en tr(-,h( ,ould 3 ,ant to ,ipe a,a( the one per+on be+ide+ =erem( ,ho e2er meant an(thing to meE -he +imple plea+ure o/ holding another man5+

hand ,a+ a huge +tep /or me1 35ll ne2er be o2er >u.e-e2er-but deep do,n 3 .ne, that 3 needed to ma.e that +tep1 @7ou o.a(E 7ou +eem a little lo+t there1A @35m good1 =u+t hungr( i+ all1A 6+ 3 +po.e4 he relea+ed m( hand to open a +olid mahogan( door that led to an entr( decorated ,ith red 2el2et drape+ parted do,n the middle4 tied bac. ,ith huge golden ta++el+1 -he room5+ lighting ,a+ +ubtle and lo,4 creating a beauti/ul ambiance1 -a.ing it all in4 3 peered up at )ax1 Fe ,atched me4 a huge +mile on hi+ /ace1 @9ill thi+ doEA 3 bit do,n on m( bottom lip4 tr(ing to hide m( +mile1 @3t5+ per/ect1A -hi+ ,a+ m( /ir+t date in one (ear4 +ix month+4 t,ent( da(+4 and three hour+1 But ,ho5+ countingE >u.e and 3 had been a couple /or a (ear and a hal/1 *ometime+ it ,a+ e2en hard /or me to belie2e that >u.e and 3 /inall( got together a/ter all tho+e (ear+ o/ being 0u+t /riend+1 But4 he told me he .ne, bac. in high +chool that the t,o o/ u+ ,ere going to happen-it ,a+ al,a(+ 0u+t a matter o/ ,hen1 35d go up e2er( ,ee.end to +pend time ,ith him1 -he night 3 le/t ,a+ one o/ the harde+t thing+ 35d e2er done1 6nd 35d been through +ome +hitt( night+ in m( li/e1 But 3 couldn5t bring m(+el/ to tell him the /ull truth1 3t ,ould onl( ma.e him hate me4 re+ent me later /or the +ecret 3 held in+ide1 35d ,anted +o badl( to tell him e2er(thing4 but ho, could 3 be the one to +top him /rom li2ing the li/e he +o /ondl( tal.ed aboutE 6ll o/ tho+e thing+ 3 ,anted to +hare ,ith him1 But ,hile he +lept +oundl( next to me that night4 3 too. the ea+( ,a( out1 -he co,ardl( ,a( out1 -here ,ere t,o rea+on+ /or me lea2ing Chicago behind1 )( /ir+t rea+on ,a+ horrible4 one 3 couldn5t /ace an(more4 ,hich 3 explained in hi+ letterB the +econd4 3 couldn5t bear to ,rite it do,n in blac. and ,hite1 6 petite ,oman ,ith a hea2( accent led u+ to a table in the bac.1 )ax pulled out m( chair and then +at acro++ /rom me1 9e +tudied the menu but )ax ordered /or u+ both4 +ince 3 didn5t .no, ,hat e2er(thing ,a+1 @*o4 )aggie4A he +aid4 tapping hi+ /inger+ on the table4 @tell me1 9hat5+ (our +tor(EA 3 +hrugged1 @Nothing to tell1 3 ha2e no +tor(1A -he ,aitre++ brought o2er the pitcher o/ +angria and /illed our gla++e+1 <nce +he le/t4 he leaned o2er the table1 @&2er(one ,ho come+ to Ne, 7or. ha+ a +tor(4 )aggie1A 3 li.ed )ax but there ,a+ no ,a( 3 ,a+ read( to dredge up m( pa+t1 @9ell4 35m not read( to tell mine1 9hat about (ouEA Fe too. a +ip4 +hrugging1 @9h( don5t (ou tr( gue++ingEA @>et5+ +ee 111A 3 ran m( /inger o2er the rim o/ m( gla++ a /e, time+4 +tud(ing him1 @Junning /rom an exE No4 that5+ not it1 Junning /rom the la,4 the cop+1 6m 3 getting clo+eEA )ax had thi+ huge grin on hi+ /ace a+ 3 continued to +pout out di//erent idea+1 6/ter +e2eral /ailed attempt+4 he +hoo. hi+ head1 @6h4 (ou +ee4 (ou don5t .no, me at all1 -hat .ind o/ hurt+ a/ter hanging ,ith (ou /or the la+t /e, month+1A @35m +orr(4 3 KA )ax grabbed hold o/ m( hand4 +:uee%ing it1 @3 ,a+ 0u+t .idding1 Jelax1A Fe relea+ed m( hand and +at bac. in hi+ chair4 re+ting hi+ hand+ behind hi+ head1 @3 ,a+ the golden bo(1 )ax,ell =ame+ Carragher the -hird4A he laughed lightl(1 @7ou .no,4 one o/ tho+e ,ho had +o much potential but ne2er mea+ured up to hi+ /amil(5+ expectation+1 )( dad ,anted me to /ollo, in hi+ /oot+tep+1 Fe5+ a la,(er1 Fe o,n+ a practice in Bo+ton4 ,anted me to go to Columbia >a,1 6nd 3 did /or three month+4 then dropped1 3t ,a+n5t ,hat 3 ,anted1 3 don5t .no,4 3 0u+t can5t be a la,(er1 3 don5t +ee m(+el/ +itting in an o//ice /rom nine to /i2e1A

@9hat do (ou ,ant to doEA 3 a+.ed1 @3 ,i+h 3 .ne,1 3 ha2en5t /igured it out1 But 35ll be damned i/ 3 run bac. home ,ith m( tail bet,een m( leg+ a+.ing /or a handout1 *o4 that5+ ,h( 35m here4 and that5+ ,h( 3 bartend at the club1 3t5+ good mone(1 -he night+ 3 ha2e o// there4 3 ,ait table+ at )onroe5+1 7ou .no, that rit%(4 po+h place on 5th 62enueE No, there5+ +ome .ic.-a++ mone( to be had1A 3 +hoo. m( head1 @3 don5t .no, that place1A Fi+ e(ebro,+ +hot up1 @Jeall(EA @NoI 3 0u+t don5t get out much1 35m .ind o/ a pri2ate girl4 in ca+e (ou hadn5t noticed1A @<h4 3 noticed (ou4 )aggie1 7ou +tand out li.e a diamond in the rough1A <ne da( 3 hoped to blend in ,ith all the other girl+4 but )ax told me /rom the beginning that it ,ould ne2er happen1 -he /ir+t time he ,al.ed me home4 he told me that 3 exuded innocence4 ,hate2er that meant1 3n the end4 3 ,a+ a/raid it ,a+ going to ma.e me /eel li.e +ome .ind o/ /ailure ,or.ing there4 li.e +ome alien impo+ter becau+e 3 didn5t blend in1 6nd i/ he pic.ed up on it4 ma(be e2er(one el+e did too1 Fi+ +tor( o/ ho, he noticed me ga2e me goo+ebump+1 3 /elt li.e a ner2ou+ teenager again1 9e +pent the next t,o hour+ eating4 tal.ing4 and almo+t /ini+hing the entire pitcher o/ +angria1 )( head ,a+ a little /u%%(4 but other,i+e 3 /elt not +o +ad /or the /ir+t time in a long time1 3 ,i+hed 3 had mo2ed to Ne, 7or. +ooner4 in+tead o/ +ta(ing in Cle2eland /or +o long1 3 didn5t li.e it there1 3/ it ,eren5t /or the pro bono therapi+t ,ho helped me tho+e t,el2e month+ and the mone( /rom ,aitre++ing4 3 ne2er ,ould52e +ta(ed +o long1 No,4 3 had to pa( /or one1 *o4 3 ,a+ unable to +ee her a+ much a+ 35d li.ed1 -hat5+ another ,h( 35d ta.en her up on 0oining her to the 66 meeting+1 *he didn5t charge me ,hen ,e met there1 *he had to go and al,a(+ in2ited me along .no,ing 3 had a hard time a//ording her +e++ion+ in the o//ice1 @9hat about (ouE 9hat do (ou ,ant to doE 35m po+iti2e (ou don5t ,ant to ,ait table+ at the club /ore2er4A he a+.ed1 @No4 3 don5t1 3 ,ant to o,n a ba.er(1A @*o4 cupca.e+ and birthda( ca.e+EA @&2er(thing1 Ca.e+4 bread4 /re+h +and,iche+-e2er(thing ,ould be homemade1 No proce++ed crap1 -hat5+ ,hat 3 ,ant to do1A 3 couldn5t belie2e 3 ,a+ tal.ing about m( dream out loud-the dream that 3 could onl( hope ,ould come true1 -he one 3 ha2en5t told a +oul in t,o (ear+1 -he one 3 ,ouldn5t let m(+el/ thin. too hard about1 Fi+ hand re+ted on mine4 +topping me1 @9ell4 ,h( don5t (ouEA 3 rai+ed m( e(ebro,+1 @3 don5t ha2e the mone(1 3 can barel( ma.e rent1 3 didn5t e2en /ini+h college1 3 ha2e no clue ho, to do it4 or rai+e the /und+ to do it1 But +omeda( 35ll get m( dream1 35m not gi2ing up1 35m +a2ing ,hate2er 3 can1A @7ou could al,a(+ mo2e up to dancing1 7ou .no, =imm( ,ould lo2e (ou to1 -he girl+ con+tantl( tal. about the mone( the( ma.e1 3t5+ not li.e it ,ould be /ore2er1A 3 +hoo. m( head +e2eral time+ in an attempt to con2ince m(+el/ that hi+ idea ,a+ ludicrou+1 @No1 3 couldn5t +trip /or a li2ing1 3 0u+t couldn5t1 3t5+ bad enough ha2ing to ,ear tho+e out/it+4 and ha2e dirt( men groping me all night1 Not that there5+ an(thing ,rong ,ith +tripping4 it5+ 0u+t not /or me1A )ax +hrugged4 getting out o/ hi+ chair to mo2e be+ide me1 @7ou +hould thin. about it1A Fi+ hand+ cupped m( /ace1 @3 mean4 3 per+onall( ,ould .ic. an( gu(5+ a++ i/ he e2en ,ent near (ou1A 6nd then he .i++ed me1 Fi+ lip+ ,ere +o/t and light on mine1 9hen 3 didn5t prote+t4 hi+ hand+ +lipped around me1 3 ,a+ too +tunned to +top and 3 actuall( en0o(ed the /eeling o/ hi+ mouth +o4 3 parted m( lip+ +lo,l( allo,ing hi+ tongue to +lip through1 9hen it did4 he moaned

deepl(4 hi+ e(e+ +earching mine a+ he pulled bac. +lightl(1 @=e+u+4 )aggie4 352e been ,aiting /ore2er to do that1A GGG )ax and 3 had been dating /or t,o month+4 and tonight 3 .ne, ,hat he ,a+ hoping /or1 3 ,a+ ,rapped in hi+ arm+4 letting him .i++ e2er( inch o/ me1 -hi+ ,a+ the /urthe+t 35d let him go1 )( clothe+ ,ere +cattered on hi+ /loor4 next to hi+ 0ean+ and --+hirt1 -hi+ ,ould be the /ir+t time 3 ,a+ gi2ing m(+el/ ,illingl( to an(one other than >u.e1 6nd 3 ,a+ +cared1 )( breathing gre, rapid ,ith each tender +tro.e o/ hi+ hand on m( bare +.in1 )( pul+e accelerated a+ hi+ mouth gingerl( made it+ ,a( to,ard m( +tomach1 Fi+ hand+ ,andered o2er m( brea+t+4 then +lo,l( do,n the cur2e+ a+ he +canned m( partiall( na.ed bod(1 6nd dear God did 3 li.e ho, hi+ hand+ /elt1 3 /elt an inten+e need to be ,ith him tonight4 to let him .no, that 3 cared /or him1 -o /eel +ecure1 -o /eel lo2ed again1 -o let +omebod( el+e in /or once1 -hat 3 ,a+ /inall( read( /or thi+ a/ter t,o month+ o/ dating and .i++ing1 Fe5d been more patient than 3 hone+tl( expected4 ne2er once pu+hing me to do an(thing 3 didn5t /eel com/ortable ,ith1 Fe e2en +aid once ,hen 3 turned him a,a( that he didn5t mind ,aiting /or me4 becau+e he .ne, ,hen ,e /inall( made lo2e4 it ,ould be per/ect1 Fi+ hand ,or.ed it+ ,a( to m( inner thigh4 lingering at the lace on m( pantie+1 Fe li/ted hi+ /ace +lightl( and loo.ed into m( e(e+4 :ue+tioning i/ he +hould continue1 3 nodded and he +miled bac. to me1 Fe +lipped hi+ /inger in+ide o/ me4 then t,o /inger+1 6 /e, +econd+ later he moaned4 @?amn4 (ou5re tight4 babe1 Jelax1A Fe +lipped hi+ /inger+ in and out a /e, more time+4 helping me loo+en up4 and God4 it /elt good1 )ax +himmied up m( +tomach4 trailing .i++e+ until he reached m( mouth4 .eeping hi+ /inger in+ide me1 Fe nu%%led m( nec. +o/tl(4 .no,ing ho, much 3 li.ed it1 Fi+ /inger +lipped out a+ he tenderl( tried to pu+h m( leg to the +ide1 But it didn5t budge4 e2en ,ith the ache 3 had /or him to be in+ide me1 @C5mon4 )aggie4A he murmured1 @Be a good girl and open up a little more1A &2en though he didn5t .no, an(thing about m( pa+t4 hi+ ,ord+ +till triggered that /eeling1 -he one that made me ,ant to +cream at the top o/ m( lung+1 3n+tead4 3 /ro%e1 -he memorie+ o/ that night hit me li.e 3 ,a+ bac. in m( room and t,el2e (ear+ old1 -he image o/ m( /ather4 the +mell o/ hi+ breath b( m( ear a+ he ,hi+pered tho+e ,ord+ to me1 )( leg+ clamped do,n on hi+ hand4 +:uee%ing m( thigh+ tightl( together1 3 breathed in4 then out1 3n4 out1 3t could52e been minute+ or hour+ until 3 +crambled bac. out o/ hi+ gra+p4 unable to /ace him1 @)aggie4A he +aid +lo,l(4 @,hat5+ ,rong4 babeEA @3 need to go1 3 ha2e to go right no,1A 3 0umped out o/ bed na.ed4 not caring that he ,a+ ,atching me4 con/u+ion pla+tered acro++ hi+ beauti/ul /ace1 3 tugged on m( 0ean+ and thre, m( +hirt o2er m( head1 )ax reached /or m( hand4 +hoc. regi+tering on hi+ /ace1 @<h m( God4 )aggie4 i+ that ,h( (ou5re hereE ?id +omeoneEA Fe +hoo. hi+ head in di+belie/4 +taring into m( no, tear-/illed e(e+1 @3t i+4 i+n5t itEA @3 ha2e to go4 )ax1 35m +orr(1 3t5+ not (ou1A 3 +tarted to 0og out o/ hi+ room4 ,iping the tear+ ,ith the bac. o/ m( hand4 ,hen t,o hand+ ,rapped around m( ,ai+t4 holding me bac.1 @7ou can5t go4 )aggie1 3 ,on5t let (ou1 Not no,1 Plea+e4 come bac. and lie do,n ,ith me1 3 ,on5t touch (ou4 3 promi+e1 =u+t let me hold (ou tonight1A Fe turned me around ,ithout remo2ing hi+ arm+ /rom m( ,ai+t4 pre++ing hi+ /orehead to mine1 @Plea+e4 don5t go1A 3 dropped m( head onto hi+ che+t4 and +obbed about that night1 35d cried m( e(e+ out

,hen it happened4 e2entuall( told m( mother4 ,ho didn5t belie2e me1 6nd4 here ,a+ thi+ ,onder/ul man ,anting to ta.e care o/ me-,ho belie2ed me1 3 dropped m( bag and too. hi+ hand in mine4 leading him bac. to hi+ bed1 3 didn5t undre++ thi+ time1 Fe li/ted the blan.et +o 3 could +coot in and then came to lie be+ide me1 6/ter ,hat +eemed li.e /ore2er4 m( tear+ /inall( dried he li/ted m( chin1 @?o (ou ,ant tal. about itEA @7ou ,ant m( +tor(EA @7eah4 3 ,ant (our +tor(1A Fe +,ept the hair bac. /rom m( /ace1 @3/ (ou5ll tru+t me ,ith it1A 3 too. a deep breath be/ore 3 +tarted1 @-he /ir+t time 3 ,a+ nine1 Nobod( ,a+ home4 but m( dad and 31 Fe al,a(+ made me ner2ou+4 e2en bac. be/ore it happened1 )( dad ,a+ a hea2( drin.er4 al,a(+ +melled li.e alcohol4 and hi+ che,ing tobacco at night and on the da(+ he ,a+ o//1 Fe didn5t dare drin. ,hen he had hi+ +hi/t+4 but al,a(+4 al,a(+ a/ter1 3 ,ill ne2er /orget the +mell o/ hi+ breath1 3 didn5t tru+t him1 Fe called me to hi+ room one da(4 and he ,a+ alread( l(ing in bed1 Fe a+.ed me to +nuggle ,ith him4 +o 3 did1 3 ,a+n5t allo,ed to +a( no to him or he5d get the belt out1A 3 loo.ed do,n4 but )ax li/ted m( chin again1 @'eep (our e(e+ on me4A he ,hi+pered1 3 nodded1 @6n(,a(4 he grabbed hold o/ m( hand and placed it on hi+4 (ou .no,1A 3 +hoo. m( head to +ha.e loo+e the image1 @Fe ,a+ under the blan.et+ +o 3 didn5t .no,1 3 in+tantl( /ro%e ,hen 3 reali%ed he ,a+ na.ed4 but 3 +till didn5t under+tand ,hat he ,a+ a+.ing o/ me1 9h( did he ,ant m( hand thereE 9hat ,a+ 3 +uppo+ed to do ,ith itE 9h( ,a+ that ,eird moaning +ound coming /rom hi+ mouthE 3 heard an epi+ode o/ HFannah )ontana5 blare /rom the -L 35d le/t on in the .itchen4 and 3 0umped out o/ bed1 3 told him 35d been ,aiting to +ee that particular epi+ode and ran /rom him1 Fe ne2er brought it up again1 Fe e2en le/t me alone /or a ,hile1A @3 thought it ,a+ o2er4 but it ,a+n5t1 Fe came into m( room ,hile 3 ,a+ +leeping one night1 )( brother ,a+ at a +leepo2er4 and m( mom ,a+ a,a( /or a girl+5 ,ee.end ,ith her /riend+1 Fe +aid tho+e exact +ame ,ord+ to me that (ou 0u+t did4 and that5+ ,h( 3 /ro%e1 3 tr( not to thin. about it4 to let it bac. in4 but +ometime+ 3 can5t help it1A )ax5+ e(e+ clo+ed /or a +econd1 @35m +orr(1 7ou .no, 3 ,ould ne2er had +aid that i/ 35d .no,n1A @3 .no,1 3t5+ o.a(1A @?id he 111 did heEA Fe +tarted to a+. but couldn5t +eem to /ini+h the :ue+tion4 but 3 .ne, ,hat he ,anted to .no,1 3 +hoo. m( head1 @No1 Fe made me do +omething el+e1 3 /elt +o +ic. to m( +tomach /or (ear+1 -o thi+ da( 3 ha2e no idea ,h( he le/t me alone a/ter that1 3 .no, ,h( he le/t me alone that night1A 3 cleared m( throat1 @=erem( and >u.e came bac. ,a( earlier than expected1 6pparentl( the(5d gotten into a /ight ,ith +ome .id+ at the mall and came home1 )( dad 0umped o// m( bed +o /a+t1 3 than.ed God e2er(da( tho+e bo(+ li.ed to cau+e trouble1 Becau+e 3 hated to thin. ,hat ,ould52e happened i/ the(5d +ta(ed a,a(1A @3t ,a+n5t until 3 ,a+ thirteen that 3 had the ner2e to bring a /riend o2er /or the ,hole night1 Big mi+ta.e1 *he ,o.e up in h(+teric+ +ome,here around t,o in the morning1 3 +till can5t belie2e +he didn5t tell her parent+ that m( dad reached into her +hort+ ,hile +he +lept1 Fe +hould52e gone to 0ail4 but +he ne2er told and 3 .ept m( mouth +hut completel( a+hamed1 3 ,anted to tell +omeone 3 tru+ted1 But ,hoE 3 couldn5t tell =erem( or >u.e1 3 ,a+ a+hamed o/ himo/ m(+el/1 3t too. me t,o more (ear+ to +tand up /or m( /riend1 3 told m( mother thin.ing +he5d lea2e the +on o/ a bitch1 3n+tead +he called me a liar1A 3 pau+ed to ma.e +ure )ax ,a+ +till pa(ing attention1 Fi+ e(e+ gli+tened a+ he pre++ed hi+

lip+ to m( /orehead4 +ighing1 @'eep going4A he +aid1 @3t too. me until 3 ,a+ /i/teen to /inall( tell her1 Fi/teen1 3t too. me (ear+ to get the courage and once 3 did m( ,hole li/e changed1 6nd not /or the better1 3 0u+t didn5t ha2e the heart to tell =erem(1 )( dad ,a+ hi+ idol4 not to mention the ,hole to,n lo2ed him1 )( dad ,a+ the ba+eball coach4 the /ootball coach1 7ou name it4 the( did it together1 -,o pea+ in a pod1 3 didn5t ,ant =erem( to .no, ,hat a mon+ter he reall( ,a+4 +o it ,a+ one o/ the rea+on+ 3 le/t1 3t too. me a long time1 3 /ini+hed high +chool4 e2en completed a (ear and a hal/ o/ college1 3 couldn5t +tand to li2e in the +ame hou+e an(more and be near him e2er(da(1 3 hated m( bedroom1 3 hated +leeping in the bed that he touched me in1A )ax continued to +mooth m( hair behind m( ear+4 +oothing me1 @*o4 nobod( .no,+ (ou5re here1 Not e2en =erem(EA @No1 Not e2en =erem(1 3 le/t him a note ,ith >u.e1A @9ho5+ >u.eEA @Fe ,a+ m( bo(/riend1 3 le/t him too1A @9o,I 9hat happened ,ith >u.eE ?id he .no,EA @Fe didn5t1 3 .ne, he5d probabl( grab hi+ dad5+ gun i/ 3 told him1 >u.e and 3 ,ere al,a(+ clo+e4 but ,e onl( got together a/ter high +chool1 3 le/t him one night at +chool1 Fe ,a+ +o happ( there4 and 3 /elt li.e 3 ,a+ bringing him do,n4 not letting him get the t(pical college experience1 3 ,rote t,o note+4 one /or him and one /or =erem(1 >u.e5+ note told him e2er(thing he needed to .no,4 and 3 begged him in it to ne2er tell =erem(1 3 .ne, he5d .eep m( +ecret1 Fe .ept all m( +ecret+1 Fe lo2ed me1A @3 reall( am +orr(4 )aggie1 No one +hould ha2e to go through that1A )ax +nuggled me clo+er4 bur(ing me into hi+ che+t4 rubbing +mall little circle+ on m( bac.4 0u+t li.e >u.e u+ed to4 +oothing me until 3 /ell a+leep1

Chapter 3
>u.e 3 could do thi+1 3 could do thi+1 3 could get up4 bru+h m( teeth4 get dre++ed4 and +tart another da(1 -hi+ ,a+ ,hat 35d needed to repeat to m(+el/ to get out o/ bed e2er( da( /or the la+t /i2e month+1 *ometime+4 it ,a+ +o hard that 3 couldn5t do it1 3 couldn5t +tart a ne, da(1 Fell4 3 couldn5t e2en breathe +ometime+1 6 picture o/ m( /amil( ,a+ +till l(ing on the pillo, next to me4 right ,here 3 placed it be/ore the Danax /inall( .ic.ed in the night be/ore1 &2er( night ,a+ hard4 but .no,ing that toda( ,a+ +uppo+ed to be +ome +ort o/ do-o2er4 35d ta.en t,o Danax ,ith a beer cha+er be/ore 3 relaxed enough and clo+ed m( e(e+1 3t too. no more than /i/teen minute+ /or me to +top /eeling4 +hut it all out4 to blac. out /or another dreamle++ night1 =u+t the ,a( 3 li.ed it1 -he three o/ u+--he -hree 6migo+- ,ere +itting in a /a+t /ood 0oint +ome,here +mac. in the middle o/ <hio ma.ing our ,a( to Ne, 7or.1 -he Big 6pple1 9hat the hell the( thought ,e ,ere going to /ind there to +a2e me4 3 had no clue1 But4 m( t,o be+t /riend+4 =erem( and ?ean4 +eemed to thin. it5d ,or.4 +o 3 obliged and ,ent on the road trip1 3 didn5t ,ant to go4 but apparentl( 3 had no control o/ m( o,n li/e an(more1 -he(5d been camping out in m( room pla(ing ,atchdog /or the la+t /e, ,ee.+ +ince the( .ne, 35d been drin.ing hea2il( e2er +ince1 3t ,a+n5t +omething 3 ,a+ proud o/4 or e2en ,anted to do1 3t5+ 0u+t that +ometime+ it ,a+ all too much to handle1 35d li.e to +a( that 3 reco2ered ,hen )aggie ,al.ed out o/ m( li/e4 but it ,a+ hard1 3 managed to do it4 but damn 3 mi++ed )aggie1 3 mi++ed m( /amil(1 3 didn5t .no, ,hen 3 lo+t m(

mind1 ?id 3 lo+e it ,hen )aggie le/tE 9hen m( /amil( ,a+ .illedE <r ma(be a little o/ both1 3 0u+t .ne, that 3 ,a+ lo+t ,ithout them1 3t ,a+n5t until ?ean /orced me to ha2e a heart-to-heart that con2inced me1 Phoebe4 m( bab( +i+ter4 ,ould be pi++ed at me /or not mo2ing on1 3 /elt li.e an a++hole o/ a /riend to =erem( /or e2er(thing he5d been through in the la+t t,o (ear+1 Fe lo+t a lot too1 Fe 0u+t handled it better4 ,hile 3 ,al.ed around li.e a /uc.ing robot that +omeone /orgot to put the batterie+ in /or the la+t /i2e month+1 6head o/ u+ +tood the girl ?ean pointed out a/ter +eeing her get o// the bu+1 <ne o/ tho+e huge touri+t( one+ ,ith the ,ord+4 -he )ountaineer ,ritten in tall blac. letter+ along the +ide1 <ur e(e+ /ocu+ed on one thing and one thing onl(M her ama%ing a++ in tho+e ridiculou+l( tight +hort(-+hort+ ,ith one ,ord +tretched acro++ her butt in +il2er glitter( letter+-P3N'1 =erem( hit ?ean ,ith the bac. o/ hi+ hand ,hen +he +tepped /or,ard and to the right1 )( e(e+ tra2eled ,ith her a+ +he mo2ed to pull out a +tra, and +ome nap.in+1 -hi+ ,a+ the .ind o/ girl ,ho (ou gaped at becau+e (ou +impl( couldn5t re+i+t1 *he loo.ed li.e +he belonged in Foll(,ood4 or ma(be on the co2er o/ Pla(bo(1 From her cra%(-a++ bod( to her bleached blond hair to tho+e /ull red lip+ that made (ou ,onder ho, the(5d /eel ,rapped around (our dic.1 9e +at do,n at the table next to her+1 3 +tudied her /or a +econd a+ +he pla(ed ,ith the +alad4 +tirring her /or. around a /e, time+1 *he hadn5t noticed u+ (et4 or more li.el( +he5d cho+en to ignore u+4 +ince ,e ,ere prett( loud and obnoxiou+1 7ou reall( couldn5t mi++ u+1 =erem( +tarted tal.ing about ,ho ,a+ ta.ing the next dri2ing +hi/t to Ne, 7or.4 +ince he5d dri2en the la+t /e, hour+1 3 .ne, it ,a+ m( turn4 but 3 didn5t +pea. up1 3 +ipped on m( Co.e ,hile loo.ing up at ?ean and =erem(4 and then reali%ed the( ,ere ,atching her ,al. a,a(1 3 t,i+ted in m( +eat to chec. her out one la+t time be/ore +he too. o// to ,here2er it ,a+ +he ,a+ heading1 3 +hoo. m( head4 a+ =erem( muttered4 @?amn4 no, that5+ ,hat 3 call a ,o)6N1A @No +hit4 dude1 *he ,a+ a /uc.ing t,ent( on a +cale o/ one to ten4A ?ean agreed1 *he didn5t hold a candle to )aggie1 -hat ,a+ another problem in it+el/1 &2er( girl ,ho ,al.ed into m( li/e4 ,hether it ,a+ /or t,ent( minute+ or t,ent( da(+4 3 compared her to the one girl ,ho meant more than an(thing to me1 3t ,a+ the little thing+ that made me /all /or her-ho, +he al,a(+ had +ome ba.ed gooe( +nac. /or me ,hene2er 3 came o2er4 ho, +he al,a(+ let e2er(one around her be happ( be/ore +he ,a+4 ho, +he held m( hand until the ambulance got to +chool ,hen 3 bro.e m( leg4 then in+i+ted on riding ,ith me1 -he /ir+t time 3 told her 3 lo2ed her4 (ou ,ould52e thought 35d told her 3 +topped global ,arming or ended ,orld hunger the ,a( +he cried1 3t ,a+ the +,eete+t damn thing 35d e2er +een1 ?ean and =erem( ,ere arguing about the la+t time the( pla(ed Call o/ ?ut( and ,ho reall( ,on ,hen =erem( +topped mid+entence and +tared behind me1 ?ean did the +ame1 Cpon +eeing their +tupid a++ grin+4 3 ,a+ about to t,i+t around ,hen 3 heard4 @Fe(4 3 hate to bother (ou gu(+4 but 3 .ind o/ o2erheard (our con2er+ation1 75all heading to Ne, 7or.EA >i.e a++hole+4 the( both 0u+t nodded their head+4 +peechle++1 *he ,al.ed all the ,a( around and too. a +eat1 *he held out her hand1 @35m Phoebe1A 6nd 3 ,anted to ta.e her hand4 but 3 couldn5t1 3 +tared at her /or a beat and then bac. to =erem(1 @>et5+ go1A =erem( +ighed but .ne,1 Fe +tood and +cooted around her1 @3t ,a+ nice to meet (ou4 but ,e gotta 0et4A he +aid4 di+appointed1 9e ,al.ed out4 m( heart rate :uic.ened at 0u+t hearing tho+e /uc.ing +ix little letter+1 Phoebe. <ut o/ e2er( name on God5+ green earth4 ,h( did +he ha2e the +ame name a+ m(

beauti/ul4 dead +i+terE 3 hadn5t heard that name +lip o// another5+ lip+ +ince her /uneral1 People .ne, not to bring up m( /amil(1 )( dead /amil(1 3 +hould be dead too1 But 35m not becau+e 3 ,a+ the +tupid a++hole ,ho got into a ,ic.ed /ight ,ith Phoebe that night and re/u+ed to go ,atch her +chool pla(1 *he ,a+ +ixteen4 and ,a( too (oung to die1 *he ne2er e2en got the chance to +tep on +tage to /ul/ill the part that +he re/erred to a+ the role o/ a li/etime1 -heir car ,a+ +truc. b( +ome a++hole +trung out on heroin going the ,rong ,a( up a ramp1 -he police +a( m( /ol.+ didn5t e2en ha2e a chance to a2oid him1 -he( all died in+tantl(1 For the la+t /i2e month+4 35d ,i+hed 35d gone ,ith them1 3 ,i+hed 3 could ta.e bac. e2er( pain/ul ,ord that 35d +aid to m( +i+ter4 but it ,a+ too late1 *he ,a+ gone1 )aggie ,a+ gone1 &2er(one ,a+ gone1 -hi+ other Phoebe +lung her bac.pac. o2er her +houlder1 @3 hate to bother (ou gu(+4 but plea+eE )( bu+ le/t1 3 ha2e nobod( to help me4A +he called out1 3 clo+ed m( e(e+ and +topped be/ore 3 made it to the door1 @7ou don5t e2en .no, u+1A *he ,al.ed :uic.l( to catch up1 @3 .no,4 but 35m going to Ne, 7or. too4 and 3 thought ma(be (5all could gi2e me a li/tEA *he pau+ed4 probabl( tr(ing to /igure out ,hich one o/ our three+ome ,ould ca2e /ir+t4 batting tho+e damn e(ela+he+1 @3 ha2e +ome mone(1 3 could help ,ith ga+4 and dri2ing1A ?ean glared at me4 begging /or me to agree ,ith 0u+t hi+ e(e+1 @3 don5t .no,4 +,eetheart1 3 thin. it5+ a prett( dumba++ ri+. coming on the road ,ith three dude+ (ou don5t .no,1 9hat i/ ,e5re rapi+t+ or murderer+E 9hat the hell5+ ,rong ,ith (ouEA 3 +aid di+gu+ted4 although 3 ,a+n5t totall( repul+ed4 0u+t more +hoc.ed than an(thing1 3 opened the door and ,e mo2ed onto the +ide,al.4 but +he came up /rom behind u+4 no, cr(ing1 @Plea+eE 35m begging (ou gu(+ to ta.e me ,ith (ou1 3 ha2e to get to Ne, 7or. b( Frida(1 3 ha2e an audition1A <h4 great1 <ne o/ tho+e girl+1 3mmediatel( 3 thought o/ the =a(-N +ong that mentioned good girl+ gone bad1 *he ,a+ de/initel( gonna be one o/ tho+e1 3 +ighed4 thin.ing o/ )aggie out there and ho, i/ thi+ ,ere her4 35d ,ant +omeone to help her too1 @Fine1 7ou ta.e the /ront +eat4A 3 muttered to her4 to++ing the .e(+ to ?ean1 3 didn5t ,ant to +it an(,here near her1 =erem( and ?ean loo.ed li.e the( ,ere read( to pi++ them+el2e+1 3 headed +traight to the bac. +eat4 ,hile m( t,o +ide.ic.+ argued o2er ,ho ,a+ +itting in /ront ,ith Phoebe1 3 pulled on m( ba+eball cap4 (an.ed a Danax out /rom m( bag4 and clo+ed m( e(e+1 *he ma( be riding ,ith u+4 but there ,a+ no ,a( in hell 3 ,a+ going to engage in an( con2er+ation1 3 didn5t need thi+ right no,1 But it ,a+ good to +ee =erem( /orget /or a little ,hile1 -hi+ road trip ,a+ 0u+t a+ much /or him a+ /or me1 3t had been /our month+ +ince hi+ ?ad had had a heart attac. and coming on t,o (ear+ +ince the di+appearance o/ hi+ t,in +i+ter1 )( girl/riend1 )( +oul mate1 =erem( +till hadn5t /ound an( peace ,hen it came to )aggie1 6t one point he ,ent cra%( thin.ing +he ,a+ dead4 but no, he ,a+ con2inced +he ,a+ out there1 *aid hi+ t,in radar ,ould52e gone o// i/ +he ,ere trul( gone1 3 pra(ed he ,a+ right-3 +till lo2ed )aggie more than m( o,n li/e1 3 con+tantl( loo.ed o2er m( +houlder thin.ing +he ,a+ going to pop up out o/ the blue1 3t too. e2er(thing 3 had to not .ill that a++hole /ather o/ their+ ,hen +he le/t4 and 3 ne2er once told =erem( ,h( +he too. o//1 3 couldn5t brea. m( promi+e that 35d .eep all o/ her +ecret+1 6nd thi+ ,a+ the bigge+t one b( /ar1 9hen their dad died4 3 ,a+ happ(1 -he +on o/ a bitch de+er2ed it1 3 +ho,ed up at the /uneral onl( to ma.e +ure hi+ a++ ,a+ buried +ix /eet under1

Fe had de+tro(ed m( li/e1 )aggie begged in her letter4 and 3 under+tood ,hat +he needed to do1 3t 0u+t +uc.ed that 3 ,a+n5t included in the li/e +he ,a+ +earching /or1 *he bro.e m( heart4 and it ha+n5t been ,hole +ince1 *he ,a+ impo++ible not to /all /or4 e2en ,hen =erem( ,arned u+ all to +ta( a,a(1 3 couldn5t1 *he ,a+ the girl ,ho 3 pla(ed ,ith e2er( da( +ince 3 ,a+ +ix1 9e ,ere neighbor+4 and in+tant /riend+1 9e caught /ire/lie+ in the +ummer4 0umped on trampoline+4 rode bi.e+4 had lemonade +tand+1 9e +hared e2er(thing1 &2er( +ingle childhood memor( had )aggie +mac. dab in the middle o/ it1 9hen 3 thin. bac.4 it ,a+ the /i/th grade ,hen 3 under+tood the di//erence bet,een bo(+ and girl+1 *ome a++hole had tripped )aggie on the +chool pla(ground4 and +he cut up both o/ her .nee+1 *he ,a+ bleeding4 and 3 could tell +he ,anted to cr(4 but )aggie ,ould ne2er gi2e J(an '(le the +ati+/action1 &2er(bod( ,a+ laughing4 ma.ing /un o/ her1 3 (an.ed her o// the ground and helped her to the nur+e to get her cleaned up1 6/ter +chool 3 got into m( /ir+t /i+t /ight1 3 .ic.ed J(an '(le5+ a++ in the par.ing lot o/ a con2enience +tore1 Jight then4 3 .ne, )aggie ,a+ +pecial to me1 3t ,a+ al,a(+ )aggie1 &2en though 3 didn5t tell her until ,e ,ere nineteen4 it had al,a(+ been her1 9hen =er caught u+ the /ir+t time +he came to the college to 2i+it /re+hman (ear4 3 thought he ,a+ going to .ill me1 6/ter a /e, minute+4 he +miled and +aid4 @Fuc. it1 3 .ne, thi+ ,a+ going to happen1A 3 could +till remember the /ir+t time 3 .i++ed her1 3 /elt li.e the bigge+t a++hole1 *he5d come to +chool /or the ,ee.end to part( ,ith u+ at the /rat hou+e1 9e ,ere 0u+t getting read( to pledge our /raternit( but ,ere +till not o//icial1 )aggie had ,a( too much to drin. be/ore it e2en hit 11 p1m1 3 +potted her in the corner ,ith one o/ the /raternit( brother+4 hi+ hand dangerou+l( lo, on her a++4 right there in the middle o/ the part(1 3 .ept chec.ing m( ,atch tr(ing to /igure out ho, 3 could duc. out ,ithout being caught1 3 ,aited4 /i+t+ clenched4 tipping m( beer bac.4 unable to ta.e m( e(e+ o// them1 Fe ,hi+pered +omething in her ear4 but a +econd later ,al.ed a,a(1 *he +tood there dancing alone +o 3 grabbed her hand and hauled her a++ out o/ there +o /a+t4 +he didn5t .no, ho, to react4 other than li+ten to me a+ 3 pleaded ,ith her to act normal1 -he la+t thing 3 needed ,a+ to get blac.balled be/ore 3 e2en got in1 <nce 35d gotten her bac. to m( dorm4 )aggie ,a+ +tumbling and muttering ho, 3 ruined her night1 9hen 3 /ini+hed +ho2ing her into m( room4 3 grabbed her bag to get her thing+ +o +he could change4 but apparentl( +he had other idea+1 9hen 3 turned around4 the bag dropped to the /loor1 )aggie +tood be/ore me in onl( her thong and matching pin. bra1 3 +tood /ro%en /or a +econd4 tr(ing to tal. m(+el/ o// the /ence but m( pounding heart too. o2er1 -hen again4 ,hat horn(4 red-blooded gu( could +a( no to that in2itationE 3t ,a+ a +lopp( .i++ becau+e +he ,a+ ,a+ted and 3 ,a+ +cared out o/ m( mind1 3 had to +top it-3 ,a+ the +ober one4 and 3 .ne, i/ =erem( ,al.ed in and +a, me getting it on ,ith hi+ +i+ter4 he5d .ic. m( a++1 @7ou5re too drun.4 Blue1 3/ (ou +till ,ant to tomorro,4 35m all /or it4A 3 told her1 *he ran her /inger+ up m( che+t until +he reached o2er m( +houlder+1 @*o there5+ going to be a tomorro,EA @7eah4 there i+1A 3 ,anted to tell her that there ,ould be a million more tomorro,+ i/ +he ,a+ read(4 becau+e 3 +ure a+ hell ,a+1 -hat night )aggie pa++ed out in =erem(5+ bed4 and the onl( thing 3 could do ,a+ +mile about the po++ibilitie+ a+ 3 li+tened to her breathe1

-he next morning +he ,o.e /re+h-/aced1 3 ,a+n5t prepared /or the +pring in her +tep1 35d .no,n )aggie m( ,hole li/e-+he ,a+n5t a drin.er4 +o ho, could +he not be mi+erableE 9hich led me to belie2e ma(be +he hadn5t had a+ much a+ +he let on1 @Fo, are (ou not hung-o2erEA *he +hrugged1 @3 don5t .no,1 3 /eel /ine1A 3 glanced around to ma.e +ure the room ,a+ cleared out1 9hat +urpri+ed me more than an(thing ,a+ ,hen )aggie +lin.ed o2er to m( bed and ran her hand+ do,n m( bare che+t1 3 (an.ed it bac.1 @9hat are (ou doingEA *he +miled +heepi+hl(1 @3 thought (ou +aid tomorro,111A Fer lip+ gra%ed mine4 and 3 couldn5t thin. an(more1 6/ter getting caught up in her .i++ /or +e2eral +econd+4 3 pu+hed bac. +lightl(1 @9ait4 )aggie1A *he +earched m( /ace1 @9hat4 >u.eE 7ou +aid it ,a+ o.a(1A @3 meant4 li.e4 tomorro,4 a+ in later tonight1 9hen ,e can be alone1A *he loo.ed around the room1 @9e5re alone no,1A 3 +hoo. m( head1 @Not /or long1 -ru+t me1A *he +hi/ted o// the bed4 ,rapping her arm+ around her ,ai+t4 clearl( up+et1 @Fe(4A 3 +tood to grab hold o/ her1 @?on5t be mad1A @35m not1A *he ,a+ cr(ing a little1 3 /elt li.e the bigge+t 0ac.a++1 3 pulled her bac. do,n on the bed1 @9hat5+ going on ,ith (ouEA *he ,iped the tear+ a,a(1 @3t5+ nothing4 >u.e1 Plea+e don5t thin. 35m a +lut or an(thing1 35m +orr(1 3 ,on5t do that again1A @?on5t do that1 ?on5t (ou dare apologi%e /or .i++ing me4 )ag+1 352e ,anted that +ince 3 ,a+ t,el2e (ear+ old1A @7ou ha2eEA *he loo.ed up at me ,ith huge blue4 tear( e(e+1 @7eah1A *he loo.ed a,a( +h(l(1 3 ,atched her /or the longe+t time ,ithout +a(ing an(thing4 almo+t read( to drop the +ub0ect4 but then changed m( mind1 3 grabbed hold o/ her chin4 /orcing her to loo. at me1 @Fe(4 do (ou remember ,hen ,e ,ould all go bo,lingEA *he nodded1 @Bac. in high +chool4 it al,a(+ made me thin. o/ u+ i/ ,e e2er got together1A 6 little crea+e popped out /rom /urro,ing her e(ebro,+1 @-hi+ one night4 +enior (ear4 it ,a+ (our turn4 and (ou got all the pin+ do,n but one1 7ou ,ere +o excited1A 3 pau+ed4 ner2ou+ to continue1 @*hit4 )ag+1 3 don5t .no,1 7ou had +o man( bo(/riend+ o2er the (ear+4 3 couldn5t .eep up ,ith (ou +ometime+1 3 ne2er made a mo2e becau+e 3 /elt li.e 3 ,a+ gonna be that la+t pin +tanding1 -he one (ou needed to .noc. do,n to get the +pare1 3 didn5t ,ant to be that gu( becau+e 3 .ne, (ou could .noc. me do,n +o hard4 3 ,ouldn5t be able to get bac. up1A )( hand+ dropped to her ,ai+t4 pulling her clo+er4 tear+ +treaming do,n her /ace1 @352e been ,aiting /or u+ to get it all out o/ our +(+tem+4 to get our +hit together1 *o 35m read( to do thi+ ,ith (ou1 9hat about (ouE 6re (ou read(EA 9e ,ere together /rom that da( /or,ard1 &2er(bod( lo2ed )aggie1 People under+tood ,hen 3 +aid that1 -here ,a+ al,a(+ that one per+on in +chool ,ho e2er(one lo2ed4 ,ho no one could +a( a bad ,ord about1 9ell4 that ,a+ m( )aggie1 *he had that per+onalit( e2er(one /loc.ed to1 *he ,a+ a cheerleader4 +he ,a+ +mart4 +he had a heart o/ gold4 and i/ (ou a+.ed me4 +he ,a+ the mo+t gorgeou+ creature ,ho e2er exi+ted1 6nd4 (eah4 +he dated a lot o/ dude+4 but 3 .no, /or a /act +he ne2er did more than go to +econd ba+e4 and that ,a+ onl( ,ith one o/ them1

*he had the mo+t beauti/ul cra%(-long bro,n hair ,ith little curl+ at the end that hung do,n pa+t her ,ai+t1 &2en ,hen ,e ,ere little4 3 lo2ed to ,rap m( /inger in a curl and 0u+t t,irl it around 0u+t to ,atch it bounce bac.1 3 could barel( de+cribe the color4 but it al,a(+ reminded me o/ a piece o/ m( /a2orite cand(1 3t ,a+ dar. mixed ,ith golden4 li.e the center o/ a Jolo4 her e(e+ a cr(+tal blue that could onl( be de+cribed a+ more a:ua than the /uc.ing Caribbean1 6nd +he al,a(+ +melled li.e coo.ie+ or ,hate2er el+e +he5d been ba.ing1 *adl(4 3 hadn5t been able to +tep /oot in a ba.er( +ince +he di+appeared1 3 tried to tune out a+ the ne, girl rambled on and on about ho, +he ,anted to be an actor and e2entuall( mo2e to >o+ 6ngele+1 ?on5t the( all +,eetheartE 3 /loated a,a( a+ m( med+ .ic.ed in and deli2ered me into a peace/ul obli2ion ,here )aggie ,a+ +till a part o/ m( e2er(da(1

Chapter 4
>u.e 3t ,a+ our +econd night in Ne, 7or.4 and =erem( ,a+ +tuc. in the hotel ,ith /ood poi+oning1 Phoebe ,a+ no, ?ean5+ +ide.ic.4 +:uatting ,ith u+ in the hotel room4 ,hich pi++ed me o//4 but ?ean couldn5t .eep that damn grin o// hi+ /ace1 *o ,e let her +ta(1 *he ,a+n5t ,ith u+ tonight-+he ,a+ out patrolling /or a 0ob4 appl(ing to e2er( re+taurant in the cit( +o +he could audition in the da(time1 9e told =erem( not to eat that damn +u+hi but he did an(,a(4 and he ,a+ pa(ing /or it1 ?ean ,anted to go to +ome techno club do,nto,n4 but 3 ,a+n5t much into it1 3 ,anted to get drun. and /orget e2er(thing4 but 3 ,anted to do it +ome,here :uieter than a club1 9e ,al.ed /or o2er three hour+4 +lipping in and out o/ random bar+ a+ ,e came upon them1 ?ean ,iggled hi+ e(e+ ,hen ,e came up to the next place1 @C5mon4 manE 9e5re in /uc.ing Ne, 7or.1 >et me bu( (ou a lap dance1A 3 ,a+ too drun. to argue ,ith him4 +o 3 let him lead me through the dar. door,a(1 6 huge-a++ bouncer +tood guard4 hi+ bul.( arm+ cro++ed o2er hi+ che+t1 Fe reminded me o/ Ful. Fogan minu+ hair1 @-,ent(-dollar co2er4 and .eep (our hand+ o// the /uc.ing merchandi+e1A ?ean +lipped him /ort( buc.+ and pu+hed me in+ide1 -he light+ ,ere bright on +tage4 but the re+t o/ the place ,a+ muted1 ?im1 -here ,ere three pole+ on the +tage and t,o girl+ ,rapped around them1 Both ladie+ +ported ta++el+ on their nipple+ and G-+tring+1 Both e:uall( /a.e4 but decent loo.ing1 ?ean ,a+ alread( drooling1 9e /ound a +mall table a+ clo+e to the +tage a+ ,e could get-the +tool+ +urrounding the +tage ,a+ occupied1 6 prett( little blond +tepped o2er to ta.e our drin. order1 @-,o Feine.en+4A 3 told her1 ?ean ,a+ +taring up at the chic. on +tage li.e he5d ne2er +een a na.ed ,oman be/ore1 *he +pun a /e, time+ on the pole4 and then +pread her a++ right in /ront o/ u+1 -he blond came bac. ,ith our drin.+4 bending o2er4 practicall( +ho2ing her tit+ in m( /ace1 *he +melled li.e 2anilla1 3t ,a+ /unn(-e2er( +trip club 35d e2er been in4 the girl+ all +eemed to +mell the +ame1 3 handed her a t,ent( and told her to .eep the change1 *he +miled a+ +he ran her /inger+ +lo,l( /rom one +houlder to the next1 6/ter t,o more beer+4 ?ean either hit a ,all ,ith the alcohol or he5d +een a gho+t1 Fi+ mouth hung open4 +taring to the bac. o/ the club1 3 loo.ed bac. there4 but didn5t +ee an(thing other than a /e, bartender+ and cu+tomer+1 @?ude4 ,e gotta go1A

@9hatE 9h(EA 3 chec.ed m( ,atch1 @3t5+ onl( midnight1A @9e ha2e to get =erem(1A Fe +tood running hi+ hand+ through hi+ hair1 Completel( /rea.ed the /uc. out1 @=er5+ +ic.4 man1 >ea2e him alone1A Fe +tared at me /or a long +econd1 @>u.e4 it5+ )ag+1 3 0u+t +a, /uc.ing )aggie1A @9hatEA 3 +tood up +o :uic.l( 3 .noc.ed the +mall table o2er and +ent the beer+ /l(ing1 3 ,a+ +couring the place /or an( +ign+ o/ )aggie4 but 3 didn5t +ee her1 @6re (ou +ure4 ?eanE )aggie ,ouldn5t be caught dead in a place li.e thi+1A Fe +ta(ed :uiet4 but nodded1 @*ta( here1 35ll be right bac.1A 3 ,al.ed around the +tage4 glancing up to the girl+ to ma.e +ure )aggie ,a+n5t one o/ them1 )( heart ,a+ read( to /l( out o/ m( che+t at the idea o/ +eeing her1 3 made m( ,a( o2er to the bar4 ner2ou+l(1 3 .ne, 3 ,a+ +,eating1 3 ,a+ /rantic +earching e2er( angle o/ thi+ /uc.ing dump /or an( +ign o/ her ,hen +omeone a+.ed4 @Can 3 get (ou +omethingEA 3 turned to the gu( tending bar1 @35m actuall( loo.ing /or +omeone1 6n old /riend1A 3 pulled out a picture o/ her /rom m( ,allet and +ho,ed him1 @3 thought 3 0u+t +a, her4 but 111 doe+ +omeone named )aggie ,or. hereEA 3 +,allo,ed hard4 ,aiting /or hi+ an+,er1 Fe too. a :uic. glance at her picture4 and then +tared me do,n /or a beat too long1 9h( ,a+ he +taring at me li.e thatE Fe .ne, her-3 could tell he .ne, her1 Fe ,iped the bar ,ith hi+ rag1 @Nope1 No )aggie here1 *orr(4 man1A 3 /ixed m( e(e+ on him4 +ure he ,a+ l(ing1 But 3 hadn5t +een her4 and ma(be ?ean ,a+ 0u+t too +hit/aced and ,anted it to be her1 3 +tarted to ,al. a,a(4 heading bac. to ?ean4 but turned one more time1 -he bartender ,a+ gone4 heading into a bac. room co2ered b( a curtain1 -he bar ,a+ +lammed bu+(B the t,o other bartender+ ,ere barel( .eeping up4 and our ,aitre++ ,a+ /ra%%led all o/ a +udden1 ?ean and 3 +ta(ed put /or another hour ,atching it all happen1 @9hat do ,e doE *hould ,e tell =erEA 3 +hoo. m( head1 @3 don5t .no,4 man1 9hat i/ it ,a+n5t her4 and he lo+e+ it againE Fe5+ 0u+t getting o2er hi+ dad1A @9ell4 i/ +he ,a+ here4 +he5+ gone no,1 9e5ll come bac. tomorro, ,ith =erem(1A ?ean +ounded con/ident4 but then grimaced1 @6re (ou o.a(4 manE 9hat i/ it ,a+ herEA >ittle did he .no, 3 ,a+ not /uc.ing mo2ing /rom thi+ +pot until +omeone peeled m( a++ o// the +tool and pro2ed to me +he didn5t ,or. here1 ?ean pounded +e2eral more beer+4 but 3 +,itched to ,ater1 3 needed to be +ober i/ +he reall( ,a+ here1 God4 )aggie1 Plea+e let it be (ou1 @3 don5t .no,1 3 0u+t don5t .no,1 3 reall( ,ant it to be her4 man1A 3 loo.ed around once more4 noticing the bartender .eeping hi+ e(e on u+ +ince he5d ta.en bac. hi+ +pot behind the bar1 3 rubbed m( e(e+4 peering do,n at m( ,atch1 3t ,a+ almo+t t,o in the morning1 9e5d been here /or three hour+4 and )aggie +till hadn5t +ho,n up /rom ?ean5+ /ir+t +ighting1 @)a(be +he +a, u+ and too. o//4A 3 pointed out1 Fe +hrugged ,atching the dancer /or a /e, +econd+1 @-hi+ i+ /uc.ed up a+ /uc.ed up can be1 3/ it ,a+ her4 ,h( ,ould +he runE 3t5+ 0u+t u+1 *hit4 3 mean4 ,e52e all been in+eparable our ,hole li2e+4 until +he too. o//1A Fe too. another +,ig o/ hi+ beer4 e(eing me1 @6nd 3 +till thin. (ou5re /ull o/ +hit and .no, the rea+on +he up and le/t1A 9e ,aited until clo+ing4 the place all but empt(1 -he big-a++ bouncer came o2er to our table4 peering do,n at u+1 @3t5+ clo+ing time4 bo(+1 -he girl+ don5t go home ,ith cu+tomer+4 i/

that5+ ,hat (ou ,ere hoping1A 3 glanced pa+t hi+ ma++i2e bod(4 ta.ing note that the bartender had +lipped out1 @9e5re lea2ing4A 3 told him1 3 hoi+ted ?ean /rom hi+ chair1 @>et5+ go1A 3 leaned up again+t the bric. exterior o/ the place once out+ide1 3 .ne, )aggie ,a+ clo+e b(1 3t ,a+ li.e m( bod( ,a+ on high alert1 @*he5+ here1 3 can /eel it4 man1A @3 told (ou +o4A ?ean +lurred1 6 /e, minute+ later ,e heard laugher4 and a door /rom around the +ide o/ the building +lammed1 -he bartender and a couple girl+ +trolled around the corner tal.ing about ho, much mone( the(5d made4 and ho, the( couldn5t ,ait to get to eat1 ?ean and 3 /ollo,ed clo+el( behind1 -he gu( ,ho5d ,atched u+ li.e a ha,. +topped at the door to the diner1 @3 gotta go ma.e +ure +he5+ o.a(1 35ll +ee (ou tomorro, night1A =ac./uc.ingpotI 9e /ollo,ed /or t,o more bloc.+1 9hen he turned right4 ,e trailed :uietl( behind4 tr(ing to +ta( incon+picuou+1 3 ,anted to beat the +hit out o/ thi+ gu( i/ he thought he ,a+ the one ,ho ,a+ going to ma.e m( )aggie /eel better1 9ho the /uc. ,a+ he to herE *uddenl(4 ?ean +topped1 @?ude4 35m gonna hurl1A Fe immediatel( bent o2er to pu.e4 and b( the time 3 loo.ed up again4 the bartender ,a+ no,here in +ight1 Fuc.I 3 carted ?ean5+ drun. a++ bac. to the room1 @3 thin. ,e +hould go bac. in a /e, da(+1 -hro, her o// the trail4A 3 commented1 ?ean +topped hi+ epic pi++ and %ipped up hi+ +hort+1 @9e +hould tell =erem(1A @-ell me ,hatEA 9e /ro%e1 =erem( mo2ed around the t,o o/ u+ to get to the toilet1 Fe pu+hed ?ean out o/ the ,a(1 @?ude4 Phoebe ma( be hot4 but did (ou .no, +he +nore+ li.e a /uc.ing dudeEA 3 +hoo. m( head at ?ean4 mouthing4 @Not (et1A ?ean nodded but ,ent into the other room1 @3t5+ nothing4 man1 9e 0u+t /ound thi+ place ,e ,ant to ta.e (ou be/ore ,e lea2e1A @35m +tarting to /eel better1 Finall(1 3 +,ear 3 thre, up /or t,o hour+ +traight tonight4 and 3 thin. m( /e2er bro.e4A =erem( +aid1 3 cran.ed on the /aucet on1 @Get +ome +leep1A 3t ,a+ three thirt( in the morning4 and 3 ,a+ ,ired1 *leep ,a+n5t coming tonight4 not ,ithout a little help /rom m( /riend1 3 reached into m( bag4 popped t,o Danax and let the idea o/ /inall( /inding )aggie bac. in+ide m( thic. +.ull1 3 0u+t hoped 3 didn5t ,a.e up to reali%e thi+ ,a+ all one big /uc.ing dream1

Chapter 5
)aggie 3 nearl( 0umped out o/ m( +.in ,hen the bu%%er rang1 3 .ne, it ,a+ )ax +ince he texted me t,ent( minute+ ago that he ,a+ on hi+ ,a(1 3 panic.ed ,hen 3 +a, ?ean4 and e2en though it ,a+ the bac. o/ hi+ head4 and he ,a+ no, +porting a bu%% cut4 3 .ne, it ,a+ >u.e1 3 .ne, ?ean +potted me1 )ax got me out o/ there ,hen he +a, m( /ace go three +heet+ ,hiter than a gho+t1 &2er( +ingle emotion /looded me +o :uic.l(4 3 couldn5t catch m( breath1 3t ,a+ li.e +omebod( ,a+ holding me under ,ater1 )( .nee+ buc.led4 m( empt( tra( cra+hing to the ground1 3 don5t .no, ,here )ax came /rom4 but he :uic.l( mo2ed me to the bac. room4 begging me to lea2e a/ter 3 told him ,ho ,a+ there1 =imm( ,a+n5t thrilled that 35d le/t m( +hi/t but under+tood that 3 ,a+ in no ,a( going bac. out there1 3 managed /or almo+t t,o (ear+ to +ta(

hidden4 and 3 panic.ed at the /ir+t +ign o/ m( old li/e1 But ,h(E &2er( part o/ me ,anted to run into >u.e5+ arm+ and beg hi+ /orgi2ene++1 6 little part o/ me .ne, the rea+on1 3 ,a+ terri/ied to ha2e him loo. at me no, that he .ne, m( +ecret1 Fo, he5d pit( me or blame him+el/ /or not noticing the /act that 3 a2oided m( hou+e li.e the de2il li2ed there1 Fo, 3 +lept out almo+t e2er( ,ee.end4 unle++ 3 .ne, he5d be there to protect me1 Fo, 3 .i++ed +o man( bo(+ to co2er up m( i++ue+4 to pretend the( didn5t exi+t1 3 opened the door to )ax +tanding there4 hi+ arm+ ,ide open1 @Come here1A 3 do2e into him li.e he ,a+ a li/e+a2er .eeping me a/loat in ,ater+ 3 .ne, 3 ,a+ going to dro,n in1 6ll the guilt and +hame /rom lea2ing came /looding bac. ,hen 3 +a, ?ean and >u.e1 3 panic.ed and ran4 0u+t li.e 3 did be/ore1 @-he( le/t4 but the( ,aited until clo+ing1 -he one gu( de/initel( +u+pect+ (ou ,ere there1 Fe .ept hi+ e(e+ on me all night1A 3 grabbed a cigarette4 lighting it ,ith +ha.( hand+1 @9hich oneEA )ax pulled one /rom m( pac. and lit up ,ith me1 @-he taller one1 Bu%% cut1 Fe a+.ed /or (ou b( name4 and had a picture o/ (ou in hi+ ,allet1A 3 .ne, the exact picture gi2en him the da( he le/t /or North,e+tern1 3 gripped )ax tighter1 @9hat am 3 going to doEA Fe pulled bac.1 @?o (ou ,ant to be /oundEA 3 thought /or +e2eral minute+ be/ore an+,ering1 @3 don5t .no,1A @-he(5ll be bac.4 )aggie1 -ru+t me1 3/ (ou don5t ,ant to be /ound4 don5t come to ,or. /or a /e, night+1A @3 need the mone(4 )ax1A @35ll help (ou out1 ?on5t ,orr(1A 3 turned4 too. a long drag be/ore +tubbing out m( cigarette4 and grabbed a bottle o/ ,ater /rom the /ridge1 @3 can5t belie2e out o/ all the place+ in Ne, 7or. the( +ho,ed up at that club1 ?o (ou thin. the( .ne, 3 ,a+ there be/oreEA @Nah4 3 don5t thin. +o1 Fe +eemed reall( uptight1A )ax +tripped do,n to hi+ boxer brie/+ and +lipped into m( bed1 6/ter 3 bru+hed m( teeth4 )ax5+ hand reached /or mine a+ 3 got clo+er1 @>et5+ get +ome +leep1A 3 onl( had to ,al. about /i2e +tep+ /rom m( bathroom to m( bed in m( +hoebox apartment1 Fe pulled me into hi+ che+t4 tuc.ing me into him and .i++ing m( expo+ed +houlder1 @Good night4 babe4A he ,hi+pered1 )ore li.e good morning1 Fo, the hell ,a+ 3 going to +leepE -he +un ,ould ri+e in approximatel( t,o hour+1 &2entuall(4 3 dri/ted to +leep in the +a/et( o/ )ax5+ arm+ ,hile image+ o/ >u.e ran through m( head1 &2er( memor( cra+hed around me li.e a tidal ,a2e1 <ne a/ter the other1 3t had been /our da(+ +ince +potting them and /our da(+ +ince 3 le/t m( apartment1 35d con2inced m(+el/ that the( ,ere here on 2acation and had gone bac. to 3llinoi+1 )ax had come to be ,ith me e2er( night +ince4 and not once had he a+.ed me an( :ue+tion+1 Fe 0u+t +ho,ed up4 .i++ed me /or a /e, minute+4 and then held me ,hile ,e +lept1 *ex ,a+ +till o// the table ,ith him1 3 could tell he ,a+ holding bac.4 a/raid to ta.e it another +tep until 3 ga2e him the green light1 >uc.il( /or me4 he ,a+ per/ectl( /ine ,ith doing mo+tl( e2er(thing but the actual deed1 3t ,a+ -hur+da( and 3 ,a+ expected bac. at ,or.1 3 needed the mone(1 35d ha2e to dip into m( )aggie5+ ba.ing +chool /und+ i/ 3 didn5t ma.e +ome ca+h /or the rent due next ,ee.1 &ach ,ee. 35d put in ,hate2er 3 could manage to go to bac. to +chool1 3 rolled o2er and out o/ )ax5+ grip4 but hi+ hand+ /ound me1 @9here are (ou goingEA

@3t5+ -hur+da(1 7ou can +ta( and hang out until 3 get bac.1A &2er( -hur+da( morning 3 2olunteered at -he Children5+ Fo+pital to hold +ic. babie+1 3t ,a+ m( ,a( o/ gi2ing bac.1 @?o (ou ,ant me to comeEA @7ou can5t1 7ou .no, (ou ha2e to go through the paper,or. and +tu//1 But ma(be +omeda(1A 3 leaned do,n to pec. hi+ lip+1 @35ll be here4A he +aid1 35d ne2er mi++ed one no matter ho, tired 3 ,a+1 3 lo2ed thi+ place1 &2en though there ,a+ +o much +adne++ here4 it ,a+ the onl( hour 3 got that made me /eel li.e 3 ,a+ doing +omething good1 *omething =erem( and >u.e ,ould be proud o/ me /or1 *omething 3 had to do1 3 pee.ed into the room once 3 +crubbed in4 letting )ar( .no, that 3 ,a+ here /or m( +cheduled 2olunteer hour1 6 /e, minute+ later4 +he brought out a bab(1 Fe5d been here /or t,o ,ee.+1 3 held him la+t ,ee. too1 Fi+ mother ,a+ addicted to crac. and heroin and had in/ected her little innocent bab( ,ith F3L1 *he ,a+ currentl( going through ma0or ,ithdra,al4 but +he5d be better +oon1 6t lea+t that ,a+ ,hat the( told me1 3 held him clo+e to m( che+t4 roc.ing him in the chair4 +inging the lullab( m( mother u+ed to +ing to me1 Fe +ettled right do,n1 35d been coming to the Children5+ Fo+pital e2er +ince 35d arri2ed in Ne, 7or.1 3t ,a+ the lea+t 3 could do a/ter e2er(thing1 6nd it made me /eel better1 6/ter holding t,o babie+4 m( hour ,a+ up1 3 hated letting them go bac. to being alone ,ith no one to +oothe them ,hen the( cried4 or +impl( to /eel the ,armth o/ a hand ,rapped around their teen(4 tin( /inger+1 3t too. almo+t three month+ o/ -hur+da(+ /or me to +top cr(ing ,hen 3 ,al.ed a,a( to go home1 Be/ore ma.ing m( ,a( bac. to )ax4 3 ,al.ed around a little longer than 3 +hould ha2e but +topped to grab t,o co//ee+4 .no,ing he5d probabl( +tilled be pa++ed out /rom ,or.ing late1 Fe ,a+ ,or.ing at )onroe5+ tonight4 +o he5d lea2e ,a( be/ore me to get to the dinner ru+h1 &2en though it ,a+ one o/ hi+ night+ o// /rom the club4 he5d promi+ed to +,ing b( a/ter to ,al. me home1 6+ 3 +lipped the .e( into the +econd loc.4 3 heard another clic. /rom in+ide and then the door +,ung open1 )ax +till ,a+n5t /ull( dre++ed4 but he grabbed the co//ee+ out o/ m( hand4 placed them do,n4 and then pic.ed me up4 .i++ing e2er( inch o/ m( /ace1 @9here52e (ou beenE 3 ,a+ ,orried1A @*orr(1A Fe +et me do,n1 @3 did +ome ,indo, +hopping4 then +topped /or tho+e4A 3 +aid4 pointing to m( much-needed ca//eine /ix1 Fe +mac.ed me gentl( on the butt1 @-han.+ /or al,a(+ thin.ing o/ me too1A Fe grabbed hi+ co//ee4 li/ting it to hi+ lip+4 but +tudied me ,hile he +ipped1 @*o4 (ou good /or tonightEA 3 ,al.ed around him +o he couldn5t +ee the /ear that5d been +in.ing in o2er the la+t hour1 35d chipped o// e2er( bit o/ nail poli+h applied the night be/ore1 @35ll be /ine1 35m +ure the(5re gone1A @7eah4 (ou5re probabl( right1A Fe +ounded de/eated1 @-he( ha2en5t been bac.1A 3 opened m( clo+et to grab tonight5+ out/it but +a, hi+ +ullen /ace1 @Fe(4 ,hat5+ ,rongEA 3 a+.ed4 /eeling bad that he ,a+ ,orried about me1 )ax remained :uiet /or a /e, +econd+1 @3t5+ nothing1A 3 could tell he ,a+ ner2ou+ about m( pa+t +ho,ing up4 and 3 hone+tl( ,anted to gi2e him a /air +hot at being ,ith me1 3 ,a+ tr(ing to mo2e on /rom m( pa+t4 but /or +ome rea+on4 it +eemed to ,ant to catch up ,ith me1 @*impl( +ex( -hur+da(4 huhEA he a+.ed a+ 3 held up m( out/it1 @3 hate ,earing thi+ crap1A @9ell4 a+ a gu(4 let me tell (ou111A Fe came up behind me and ,rapped hi+ +trong arm+ around m( ,ai+t4 hi+ lip+ lingering at m( ear1 @7ou loo. /uc.ing ama%ing in +impl( +ex(1 6nd 3

hate not being there to .eep a++hole+ /rom touching (ou1A 3 turned and +tood on m( tiptoe+4 .i++ing hi+ chin1 @?on5t ,orr(1 Bill( ,ill .ic. the +hit out o/ an(one ,ho doe+1 7ou .no, that1A Bill( ,a+ one o/ our bada++ bouncer+ ,ho ,atched o2er the dancer+ and the +er2er+1 6n(one ,ho me++ed ,ith u+ more than once ,a+ either to++ed out or met hi+ /i+t1 35d +een :uite a /e, men go do,n in the la+t +ix month+ /rom touching ,hat didn5t belong to them1 )ax pulled me up into one la+t .i++4 li/ting me o// the ground1 @35ll +ee (ou around one1 <.a(EA 3 nodded and then ga2e him a .i++ he ,ouldn5t /orget1 @)aggie4 3 gotta go4A he groaned1 @But God4 do 3 ,ant to +ta(1A Fe let go4 tipping m( chin up ,ith hi+ /inger4 .i++ing me one la+t time1 @B(e4A 3 +aid ,ith a hint o/ di+appointment1 Fe +ighed4 and 3 could tell he didn5t ,ant to go4 but he did1 3 didn5t ha2e to be at ,or. until nine +o 3 +ta(ed in+ide mo+t o/ the da( ,atching rerun+4 +mo.ing /i2e ,hole cigarette+ be/ore getting read(1 3 needed to :uit1 -he +mell alone ,a+ rea+on enough1 3 +lipped m( bagg( +,eat+ o2er m( out/it and made m( ,a( onto the bu+( +treet+ o/ Ne, 7or.1 35d been eating ramen noodle+ and peanut butter /or the la+t /e, da(+ in order to +a2e mone( /or m( cra%(-a++ rent4 0u+t +o 3 ,ouldn5t ha2e to dip into m( +ta+h that 3 hid under m( mattre++1 3 +till needed to ma.e o2er O#$$ to co2er rent1 &2en though =imm( ga2e me an @emplo(ee rate4A it ,a+ +till expen+i2e1 -hi+ ,a+ the .ind o/ night ,hen 3 needed a bunch o/ rich gu(+ or horn(-a++ college bo(+ to ,al. in and not gi2e one iota about ho, much the( ,ere +tic.ing in m( garter1 3t ,a+ ama%ing ,hat +ome gu(+ ,ould gi2e 0u+t to rub a /inger on m( thigh1 3 didn5t let cu+tomer+ touch me o/ten other than to gi2e me their mone(1 <nce the( did4 3 ,a+ o// to the next table1 -he place ,a+ mo+tl( empt(4 but *hannon ,a+ doing her thing up on +tage1 *he ,in.ed ,hen +he +a, me ,al. in1 Fer +tage name ,a+ Goldie4 /itting a+ +he ,a+ a bleached blond1 *hannon had become m( angel one night1 *he pulled me o2er a+ ,e all headed to the diner1 *he loo.ed me +:uare in the /ace and +aid4 @35m ta.ing (ou tomorro, to +ee Gio1 Girl(4 ,e need to teach (ou ho, to protect (our+el/ in thi+ cra%( cit(1 6 girl that loo.+ li.e (ou could get into +ome +eriou+ trouble1 7ou and me are going boxing tomorro,1A 3 didn5t :ue+tion her becau+e 3 thought it ,ould be a good idea to learn +ome +.ill+ on ho, to ta.e care o/ m(+el/1 3 ne2er .ne, punching a bag could /eel +o darn good or the ne, le2el o/ con/idence it brought me1 6nd4 3 had *hannon to than. /or that1 =imm( ,a+ behind the bar ,ith another bartender named -rac(1 *he +lid me a lemon drop-3 did one e2er( night be/ore ,or. to gi2e me that little extra +omething to .eep the con/idence going1 35d ne2er been much o/ a drin.er4 +o 3 ne2er got drun.4 but it ,a+ enough to ta.e a,a( m( inhibition+ o/ prancing around hal/ na.ed1 3 tipped it bac.4 grimacing a+ it burned going do,n4 pra(ing that m( night ,ould go +moothl(1 -a.ing one la+t deep breath4 hand+ gripped to the bar ,a+ ,hen one o/ m( mini panic attac.+ +tarted1 -he( ,ere al,a(+ the +ame1 )( bod( temperature ,ould ri+e t,ent( degree+ :uic.er than a bat out o/ hell1 3 .ne, ,h( thi+ ,a+ happening1 3t ,a+n5t /ear o/ +eeing >u.e or =erem(B it ,a+ /ear that 3 lo+t that opportunit(1

Chapter 6
>u.e

B( the time ,e le/t the hotel4 it ,a+ ele2en4 and 3 ,a+ +,eating bullet+1 &2en though 35d been +o tired la+t night4 3 hadn5t +lept1 6pparentl( Danax can let (ou do,n too1 )( mind reeled ,ith the /ear o/ po++ibl( /inding her onl( to lo+e her all o2er again1 3 ,a+ ner2ou+ a+ hell4 but ?ean +eemed cool a+ a cucumber1 3 ,a+ +ure it had nothing to do ,ith Phoebe latched to hi+ +ide4 +uc.ing on hi+ earlobe e2er( t,o +econd+1 3 couldn5t /or the li/e o/ me4 +top the per+piration dripping /rom m( /orehead1 -hi+ ,a+ it1 35d been +el/i+hl( pra(ing the la+t /e, da(+ that ,e ,ould /inall( /ind her4 not reall( thin.ing about ,hat =erem( ,a+ going to do1 3 mean4 +ure4 35d thought about it a /e, time+4 but the onl( thing 3 could reall( thin. o/ ,a+ dragging her a++ bac. home ,here it belonged1 9ith me1 -he thought o/ coming bac. +ooner than toda(-and alone-had popped into m( head +e2eral time+4 but 3 .ne, 3 had to do thi+ right or ri+. lo+ing her all o2er again1 6ll three o/ u+ could con2ince her to come home1 )e alone1 3 ,a+n5t +o con/ident an(more ,hen it came to )aggie1 *he didn5t tru+t m( lo2e then4 ,h( ,ould +he no,E *o man( thing+ had gone through m( brain the+e pa+t /e, da(+4 3 couldn5t .eep trac.1 9hat i/ ,e did /ind herE 9hat i/ +he run+E 9hat i/ +he re/u+ed to come homeE 9hat i/ +he5+ ,ith +omeone ne,E ?id 3 reall( ,ant her bac.4 or ,a+ it becau+e 3 lo+t m( ,hole /amil(E 9ould +he be able to /ix meE 9hat about that huge /uc.ing hole car2ed out o/ m( che+t ,hen +he ,al.ed outE 9h( ,a+ it +o ea+( /or herE Fo, could +he not remember e2er(thing ,e tal.ed aboutE No, it ,a+ all gone4 e2er( ,ord +po.en4 e2er( loo. gi2en1 >i.e none o/ it e2er mattered1 =erem( ,a+ laughing ,hen ,e ,al.ed up to the door1 @6 titt( barE 7ou5re ta.ing me to a titt( barEA ?ean and 3 exchanged a :uic. glance1 3 /elt li.e 3 ,a+ about to pu.e1 )( ner2e+ ,ere getting the better o/ me1 9e paid the co2er1 3t ,a+n5t the +ame dude out /ront4 +o that ,a+ at lea+t one thing in our /a2or1 3 didn5t ,ant to get recogni%ed right o// the bat1 3 grabbed ?ean and pulled him out o/ Phoebe5+ grip1 @Fead right /or the bac. bar1 3 don5t ,ant to gi2e that pric. one +econd to ,arn her1A ?ean nodded1 9e ,al.ed in+ide4 greeted b( bla+ting mu+ic4 three girl+ on +tage4 one girl t,irling on the pole4 and the other t,o rubbing up again+t each other li.e the( ,ere read( to get bu+( on +tage1 3t ,a+ hot1 But ,e ,ere there /or other rea+on+1 =erem( +tarted to ma.e hi+ ,a( o2er to the +tage4 until 3 grabbed him b( the collar1 @-hi+ ,a(4 lo2erbo(1A @3 thin. ,e +hould tell him4A 3 +aid to ?ean a+ :uietl( a+ po++ible1 3 +canned the bar area but didn5t +ee the +ame gu( /rom la+t time1 3 relaxed in+tantl(1 3 ordered three beer+4 a 2od.a cranberr( /or Phoebe4 ta.ing +toc. o/ the place /or +e2eral +econd+ be/ore +he /inall( came into 2ie,1 6ll the air ru+hed out o/ me1 3 ,a+ +o cho.ed up /inall( +eeing her ali2e4 .no,ing that +he ,a+ reall( o.a( that 3 couldn5t mo2e1 ?ean and =erem( ,ere tal.ing +hit about Call of Duty again4 but 3 couldn5t ta.e m( e(e+ o// her1 -here ,a+ al,a(+ +omething about )aggie that dro2e me ,ild1 *he loo.ed ama%ing4 hal/ na.ed4 but ama%ing4 and breathta.ing1 *he had on thi+ +ex(4 +heer bab(-doll thing ,ith +toc.ing+ that +topped at her thigh+ ,ith little clip+ hoo.ing them underneath1 )( /i+t+ clenched at m( +ide+ +eeing her +o out there4 +o na.ed /or other+ to +ee and touch1 3 ,a+ the onl( one ,ho got to +ee her li.e that1 3t ,a+ reall( pi++ing me o//1 9hat the /uc. happened to m( +,eet )aggieE 3 continued to +tare at her4 unable to mo2e1 Fear gripped me1 -hat anno(ing little inner 2oice told me ho, much 3 lo+t becau+e o/ her4 ho, much +he hurt me1 Fo, much 3 +tarted to hate her /or not tru+ting me to protect her4 lea2ing me alone to cling to the onl( thing 3 could-the pa+t1 3 had to tell m(+el/ to +hut up1 -hi+ ,a+ )aggie4 and +he ,a+ /inall( in the +ame room

,here 3 could reach out4 touch her4 .i++ her1 *he ,a+ more beauti/ul than 3 remembered4 and +o111*hitI 3 didn5t .no, ,hat to thin.1 *he had that cra%( out/it on4 but to be hone+t4 3 couldn5t rip m( e(e+ a,a(1 -he onl( thing 3 ,anted to do ,a+ thro, a damn blan.et o2er her to co2er her up1 *eeing her again ,a+ li.e a /uc.ing lightning bolt +tri.ing me do,n4 ta.ing me out in one /ell +,oop1 3 needed to ma.e a mo2e1 *a( +omething1 ?o +omething1 3 +teadied m(+el/ be/ore /inall( turning to =erem(1 @3 need (ou to do +omething /or me4A 3 told him1 Fe +hoo. hi+ head4 ta.ing a long +,ig o/ hi+ beer1 @9hatE 7ou ,ant me to bu( (ou a lap danceEA 3 +tared +traight into hi+ e(e+4 ner2ou+l(1 3 +,allo,ed hard1 3 ga2e ?ean one :uic. glance4 and then loo.ed at =er1 @?o (ou tru+t me4 manEA @9hat the /uc. .ind o/ :ue+tion i+ thatEA 3 peered o2er hi+ +houlder to ma.e +ure +he ,a+ +till at the other end o/ the club be/ore /ocu+ing bac. on =erem(1 @?on5t1110u+t don5t /rea. out and ma.e a +cene1 *he5ll run again1A *lo,l( 3 turned him around to /ace the /ar right corner1 )aggie ,a+ +miling do,n at a table /ull o/ a++hole+1 <ne .ept running hi+ hand up her leg4 and 3 ,a+ read( to go o2er and .ic. +ome +eriou+ a++4 but 3 re/rained1 *he ,a+n5t mine an(more1 *he made that clear in her letter and ,ith her ab+ence the la+t t,ent( odd month+1 <nce hi+ e(e+ /ound her4 he mumbled4 @Fuc.I 3+ thatKA Fe loo.ed bac. and /orth bet,een ?ean and me1 Fi+ beer bottle +lipped out o/ hi+ hand4 +hattering to the /loor1 Be/ore 3 could grab hold o/ him4 he +printed to the other +ide o/ the bar4 (elling out her name1 )aggie turned4 her hand li/ting to her mouth1 =erem( cra+hed into her and li/ted her o// her /eet4 +pinning her around and around1 -ear+ ,ere /alling do,n hi+ /ace4 her /ace- hell the( ,ere e2en /alling do,n mine at that point1 -he ,hole bar ,a+ +taring4 the dancer+ had +topped4 and big-a++ bouncer gu( ,a+ heading to,ard them1 3 grabbed ?ean1 @>et5+ go1A )aggie loo.ed o2er =erem(5+ +houlder4 and our e(e+ loc.ed ,hen +he +a, me coming /or her1 *he ,hi+pered +omething4 tapping =erem( on the +houlder4 and then +lipped out o/ hi+ arm+4 allo,ing me to hold her next1 3 couldn5t let go1 3 heard people hollering4 +omeone (elling /or me to get m( hand+ o// her4 but 3 couldn5t do it1 3 couldn5t let go1 *he e2en +melled the +ame1 *omeone5+ hand+ ,ere ripping her a,a( /rom me1 =erem( ,a+ barel( able to +tand /rom +hoc.4 and )aggie ,a+ cr(ing1 Fard1 ?ean grabbed hold o/ me a+ 3 ,a+ torn /rom her grip1 3 loo.ed up to +ee big-a++ bouncer dude5+ /i+t1 )aggie (elled to +top4 but it ,a+ too late1 3 ,ent do,n1 )aggie +creamed at him ,hile 3 ,a+ tried to get m( bearing+1 =erem( ,a+ no, +itting on the dirt( /loor next to me4 too +tunned to mo2e1 ?ean tried to grab )aggie4 but bouncer gu( +hoo. him o//1 6nd Phoebe4 ,ho loo.ed li.e +he /it in here a hell o/ a lot more than )aggie did4 0u+t ,atched ,ithout a +ingle clue a+ to ,hat ,a+ going on1 @)aggieIA *ome gu( came up /rom a bac. room4 glanced at the +cene4 and then loo.ed bac. to )aggie1 @)aggie4 35m +orr(4 darling but the+e bo(+ need to lea2e1 People come here to /orget /or a little ,hile4 and the+e three are cau+ing a +cene1A @But4 =imm(1 3 can5t lea2e them right no,1 Plea+e4A +he begged1 Fe glanced do,n at =er and me1 @9ho are the(EA @3t5+ m( /amil(1 -he( 0u+t /ound me1A Fe ran hi+ /inger+ o2er the +cru// on hi+ chin1 @-a.e o//1 But4 be bac. /or (our +hi/t tomorro, night1 <ne more chance4 )aggie and that5+ /inal1 7ou can5t bring (our per+onal +hit into m( club1 3 lo2e (ou girl( but (ou .no, the rule+1A

)aggie nodded1 @Cnder+tood1 3t ,on5t happen again1A =erem( and 3 both loo.ed at each other4 rolling our e(e+1 3/ +he thought ,e ,ere letting her come bac. to thi+ /uc.ing dump4 +he had another thing coming1 )aggie trained her e(e+ do,n /or a minute4 but then bac. to ?ean1 @35ll be out+ide in /i2e minute+1 3 got to grab m( thing+1A 9e ,eren5t ta.en out b( /orce4 but rather u+hered out not +o nicel( b( bouncer gu(4 ,ho /lipped u+ o// and told u+ to ne2er come bac.1 ?ean +ent Phoebe bac. to the hotel1 )aggie came out a /e, minute+ later ,earing +,eat+4 her hair do,n1 3 +,allo,ed at the +ight o/ her4 unable to mo2e4 but =erem( didn5t he+itate1 Fe grabbed hold o/ her one more time4 +ha.ing li.e a lea/1 Fe mumbled a thou+and :ue+tion+4 but )aggie remained calm1 @=er4 plea+e4 gi2e me a minute to get m( thought+ together1A Fe nodded4 ,iping the +not o// hi+ no+e ,ith hi+ +lee2e1 *he pee.ed bac. at me cautiou+l(1 @3 gue++ ,e can go bac. to m( place1A 3 ,anted to grab her and run a,a(4 ne2er to loo. bac.4 but 3 couldn5t ta.e that moment a,a( /rom =erem(1 3 ,ouldn5t1 *he ,al.ed u+ up to a bric. building that ,a+ +e2eral +torie+ high1 -he +tep+ ,ere /alling apart4 paint chipping4 and in+ide the hall+ ree.ed o/ cumin1 -he three o/ u+ grimaced a+ ,e /ollo,ed her up+tair+1 <nce +he unloc.ed /our or ma(be e2en /i2e loc.+4 +he +tepped a+ide to let u+ in1 3 hadn5t +aid an(thing to her (et1 3 hadn5t e2en mumbled her name1 3 had +o much to +a(4 3 didn5t .no, m( head /rom m( a++1 @Fo,5d (ou /ind meEA +he a+.ed innocentl(1 =erem( had no idea4 and 3 +till hadn5t /ound m( 2oice1 @>u.e and 3 +potted (ou a couple o/ da(+ ago4A ?ean an+,ered1 @7ou 0u+t happened to ,al. into the one club in all o/ Ne, 7or. that 3 ,or. inEA ?ean +hrugged1 @7eah4 prett( much1A =erem(5+ e(e+ ,ere bugging out o/ hi+ head4 and 3 .ne, he ,a+ going to blo, an( +econd1 @9hat the /uc. do (ou mean4 a couple da(+ ago4 ?eanEA 3 0umped in /ront o/ ?ean to ta.e the heat1 @3t5+ m( /ault4 =er1 7ou ,ant to punch +omeone4 punch me1A 3 .ne, 3 ,anted to punch +omeone-an(one1 *o he mu+t ,ant to a+ ,ell1 @Fo, could (ou not tell meE 7ou o/ all people1A Fe loo.ed cru+hed ,hen he addre++ed me1 6nd 3 .ne, ,hat he meant1 @3 didn5t +ee her1 ?ean did1 3t ,a+ the night (ou got +ic.1 9e +ta(ed there until clo+ing4 but +he ne2er came bac.1 3 thought he ,a+ ,rong1 3 didn5t ,ant to get (our hope+ up1 35m +orr(1A @-hi+ i+ ,here (ou52e been4 )aggieE -hi+ ,hole timeEA *he bit do,n on her bottom lip4 +omething +he5d done +ince +he ,a+ little ,hene2er +he got ner2ou+1 @No1 352e onl( been here /or +ix month+1A @Fo, could (ou not call meE >et me .no, (ou5re ali2e1 ?o (ou ha2e an( idea4 )aggie4 ,hat (our di+appearing did to me4 to >u.eE -o )om and ?ad1 <h4 +hitIA Fe +topped +pea.ing4 but paced around the +mall area +he no, called home1 3 ,a+ tr(ing to put the piece+ together ,hen =erem( dropped onto the edge o/ her bed1 @)ag+4 3 don5t .no, ho, to tell (ou thi+1A -hen it clic.ed1 *he .nelt do,n in /ront o/ him4 re+ting her head on hi+ .nee+1 @?ad111?ad i+ gone1A Fer head +hot up4 and then +he +at bac. on her heel+4 co2ering her /ace1 35m not +ure i/ +he ,a+ cr(ing becau+e +he ,a+ +ad or becau+e +he ,a+ happ( to hear the ba+tard died1 =erem( +cooped her up4 hugging her4 explaining ,hat happened1 )aggie5+ phone ,ent o// /or the /i/th time in the la+t ten minute+1

)aggie +tepped out o/ hi+ grip4 grabbed her phone4 t(ped in +omething4 and then pre++ed a button that bu%%ed b( the /ront door1 *he turned to me but didn5t loo. me in the e(e+1 @35m +orr(4 >u.e1A 6t /ir+t 3 thought +he ,a+ apologi%ing /or lea2ing me1 For ne2er calling me or texting me that +he ,a+ o.a(4 but a +econd later4 the bartender /rom the other night +tormed through the door1 6nd he ,a+ one pi++ed-o// mother/uc.er1 Fe loo.ed li.e a caged animal glancing around the room1 Fe noticed ?ean and me /ir+t4 but then hi+ e(e+ +lipped o2er to =erem(1 6nd there reall( ,a+ no den(ing that the( ,ere /amil(1 -he( had the +ame damn blue e(e+ that +ometime+ 3 e2en had a hard time loo.ing into1 @9hat happenedEA he (elled at )aggie1 *he +eemed +urpri+ed at hi+ tone4 but 0u+t +hoo. him o//1 9hen 3 +tepped clo+er4 he +natched her4 pulling her a,a( /rom me1 3 didn5t li.e ho, po++e++i2e he ,a+ acting4 and 3 certainl( didn5t en0o( +eeing her being manhandled b( another gu(1 @9ho5+ (our /riend4 )ag+EA 3 +ounded li.e a 0ealou+ a++hole4 but there reall( ,a+ no hiding ho, 3 /elt1 3t too. e2er( ounce o/ re+traint not to .ic. hi+ a++1 @Cm4 thi+ i+ )ax1 )ax4 thi+ i+ >u.e4A +he +aid1 *he turned to,ard the bed and pointed her /inger1 @-hat5+ ?ean1 6nd that5+ m( brother4 =erem(1A )ax +hi/ted hi+ glare a,a( /rom u+4 and bac. to )aggie1 @3 called /i2e time+1 9h( didn5t (ou pic. upE 3 ,ent b( to ,atch (ou ,or.4 and the( told me1A @3 bet (ou li.e ,atching her ,or.4 huhEA Fe +tepped pa+t )aggie1 @35m not hurting (ou right no, becau+e 3 .no, all about (ou and it ,ould hurt )aggie1A Fi+ e(e+ /ound her+ again1 @9hat do (ou ,ant me to do4 babeEA BabeE 9hat the /uc.E @7ou .no, ,ho 3 am4 huhEA 3 pu+hed )aggie gentl( a+ide to get in /ront o/ him1 @*o4 3 gue++ that mean+ (ou .no, that ,e ,ere together4 that 34A 3 +lammed m( o,n che+t4 @,a+ her /ir+t4 and (ou111(ou are nobod(1A @>u.eIA )aggie +creamed1 ?ean +prang up4 ,rapping hi+ burl( arm+ around me4 holding me bac.1 *he turned bac. to )ax1 @35m +orr(1 3 thin. ma(be (ou +hould go1 35ll call (ou tomorro,1 3 need to tal. to them1A Fe cro++ed hi+ arm+ o2er hi+ che+t4 planting hi+ /eet on the ground1 @No ,a(4 )aggie1 35m not going an(,here1A =erem( /inall( +tood up1 @?ude4 3 don5t .no, ,ho (ou are4 but 3 ha2en5t +een m( +i+ter in almo+t t,o (ear+4 +o 35m a+.ing (ou to lea2e1A )ax pulled )aggie o2er a /e, inche+4 ,hi+pering +omething in her ear1 *he nodded at ,hate2er he +aid4 and then +he turned to =erem(1 @35ll be right bac.1 35m going to ,al. him out1A 9e all glanced to the t,o o/ them4 and 3 ,anted to +a( no4 but 3 didn5t ha2e that right an(more1 *he ,a+n5t running- all her +tu// ,a+ here1 9hile +he ,a+ out+ide ,ith )ax4 =erem( and 3 paced her +lightl( +tained carpet1 ?ean perched on the edge o/ her bed4 ,atching u+1 =erem( chomped do,n on hi+ thumbnail4 ner2ou+ a+ hell1 9hen +he /inall( ,al.ed bac. in4 her e(e+ ,ere red /rom cr(ing1 @)aggie4A 3 /inall( managed to +a( her name out loud4 e2en though it came out +trained1 *he mo2ed +lo,l( to me4 ,rapping her arm+ around m( ,ai+t1 3 bent o2er4 bur(ing m( /ace in her hair the ,a( 3 al,a(+ u+ed to do1 6t lea+t +he +till +melled li.e coo.ie+ or +ugar1 3 didn5t e2en care ,hich one1 3 /elt li.e 3 ,a+ /inall( home1 @6re (ou o.a(EA 3 a+.ed1

3 could /eel her nod into m( che+t1 @35m glad (ou /ound me1A @7ou areEA 3 pulled a,a(4 +hoc.ed4 but held onto her ,ri+t+1 @Becau+e ,e could pac. thi+ all up and lea2e tomorro,1A *he bac.ed out o/ m( grip1 @3 don5t .no, i/ 3 can4 >u.e1 3 ha2e a li/e here1 6 0ob here1A =erem( came around to +tand next to u+1 @)aggie4 there i+ no /uc.ing ,a( (ou5re +ta(ing here in Ne, 7or.4 let alone ,or.ing in a goddamned +trip 0oint1A @=erem(4 plea+e4 ,e need (ou to bac. o// a little4A 3 +aid calml( to him1 3 .ne, ,e couldn5t pu+h her1 *he loo.ed read( to brea.1 =erem( grabbed m( collar4 +ho2ing me a,a( /rom her1 @7ou can5t be +eriou+1 7ou ,ent /uc.ing cra%( ,hen +he le/t (ou1 7ou can5t ,ant her to +ta( here1 -o ,or. there1A *lo,l(4 3 peeled a,a( hi+ hand+ /rom m( +hirt1 @</ cour+e not4 but 3 don5t ,ant )aggie to run1 9e /inall( /ound her4 =er1A 3 /elt li.e an a++ becau+e ,e ,ere tal.ing about her li.e +he ,a+n5t there ,hen 3 ,a+ achingl( a,are o/ her pre+ence1 @)aggie4 did (ou not hear meE ?ad i+ gone1 7ou need to come home /or )om and me1A ?ean +hot up1 @3 don5t under+tand an( o/ thi+1 *houldn5t ,e be doing the /uc.ing 0ig in+tead o/ arguingE 9e 0u+t /ound )aggie1A )( e(e+ clo+ed4 ignoring ?ean4 .no,ing that going home /or their mom ,a+ not going to mean an(thing to )aggie1 *he de+pi+ed her mother /or letting her /ather get a,a( ,ith ,hat he did4 and /or not belie2ing her ,hen +he a+.ed /or help1 )aggie grabbed her brother1 @=er4 3 lo2e (ou4 and 3 mi++ed (ou +o much4 but 3 can5t go home /or her1A @-hi+ i+ cra%(1A =erem( ran hi+ hand+ through hi+ hair4 li.e he ,a+ read( to tear it out1 @Felp me out here4 >u.e1 -ell her (ou ,ant her bac. home too1A @7ou .no, 3 do4 but 3 ,on5t /orce her1A @9ill (ou t,o +top itE 35m right hereIA +he +creamed1 6 loud bang +ounded /rom do,n+tair+1 )aggie loo.ed exhau+ted1 @3t5+ the neighbor+1 9e ,o.e them up1A @Come bac. to the hotel1 9e5ll ,or. thi+ out4A =erem( pleaded4 holding her hand+ in hi+1 @Plea+e4 )aggie1A 3 thought /or a minute b( her /ace that +he ,a+ going to +a( no4 but ho, could (ou +a( no to him no,E Fe appeared +o de+perate1 &xa+perated4 +he +aid4 @<.a(4 let me 0u+t change out o/ thi+ out/it1 *he +tepped into the bathroom4 and ,hen +he reemerged4 +he ,a+ dre++ed in ,orn-out 0ean+ and an old roc. --+hirt 35d bought her /rom a +ummer /e+ti2al ,e ,ent to ,hen ,e ,ere eighteen1 3 +miled1 <n the ,al. to the hotel4 +he in/ormed u+ that )ax i+ her @bo(/riendA and that ,e needed to get it together and re+pect that1 3t ,a+ li.e a hard +lap to the /ace4 a big-a++ .ic. to the ball+1 3 ,a+ d(ing the entire ,a( to a+. her 0u+t ho, +eriou+4 but 3 bac.ed o//1 For no,1 3 .ne, e2er( button that could ,or. in m( /a2or or again+t me1 -he de+peration to ha2e her bac. in m( li/e .ept m( mouth +hut1 3 ,anted to lie next to her +o badl(4 to hold her4 but +he ,a+ +haring a bed ,ith =erem( tonight1 3 +,ore he thought +he ,a+ gonna bolt i/ ,e let her out o/ our +ight /or t,o +econd+1 3 ,a+ +urpri+ed that 3 didn5t tie her hand+ to the damn bed to .eep her /rom running1 3 ,a+ +cared too4 +o 3 0u+t remained /ixed4 +taring at her /rom the couch1 )aggie claimed to be too tired to ha+h it out ,hen ,e got bac.4 +o promi+e+ ,ere made /or the morning1 3 could ea+il( tell )aggie ,a+n5t read( to explain about her /ather and /or +ome rea+on =erem( didn5t pu+h1 Fe ,a+ content enough ha2ing her bac. and 3 ,a+ too1 Fer beauti/ul /ace ,a+ t,o /eet /rom mine4 and 3 ,a+ terri/ied to /all a+leep1 35d in+i+ted

+he ta.e m( +pot4 +ince Phoebe and ?ean too. the other bed1 Normall( thi+ ,a+ the point ,here 35d reach /or m( Danax4 but 3 couldn5t ri+. blac.ing out tonight1 3n+tead4 3 +ta(ed up the re+t o/ the night planning m( mode o/ attac. to ,in her bac.4 ,orr(ing +he might lea2e4 or ,or+e4 +ta( ,ith )ax4 and 35d ne2er get m( girl again1

Chapter 7
)aggie 9hen 3 ,o.e4 >u.e ,a+ +till on the couch4 +taring out the ,indo,4 one arm tuc.ed behind hi+ head1 3 .ne, there ,a+ +o much to +a(4 and it /rightened me to ,onder ,hat he thought o/ me no,1 =erem( ,a+ not next to me4 and ?ean and hi+-35m not reall( +ure ,hat +he i+ to him-,ere gone1 =erem( /illed me in brie/l( about ho, the( pic.ed her up4 and e2en though 3 thought it ,a+ +trange4 3 ,a+n5t one to 0udge1 3 ,a+n5t +urpri+ed +he latched onto ?ean1 <ut o/ the three4 he5d al,a(+ been the ea+ie+t to charm1 3 didn5t mo2e one inch a+ 3 ,atched >u.e ru+tle around on the couch4 ,ondering ,hat hi+ li/e ,a+ li.e no,1 3/ he had a girl/riend1 9hat did he do /or a li2ingE ?id he ha2e a+ hard a time a+ 3 did a/ter 3 le/tE 9ill he e2er be able to /orgi2e meE *eeing him again hit me li.e a ton o/ bric.+4 and 3 ,anted him to hold me and ne2er let go1 3 ,a+ lo+t in thought and hadn5t noticed that he5d turned o2er and ,a+ no, +taring bac. at me1 @9hat are (ou thin.ing aboutEA he a+.ed1 @3 ,a+ 0u+t remembering (ou1 -hat5+ all1A Fe +at up +lo,l(4 placed hi+ /eet on the ground4 and mo2ed be+ide me1 @3 ha2e +o much to tell (ou1 3 don5t e2en .no, ,here to begin1A 3 placed m( hand on hi+ to encourage him4 but the moment 3 /elt that heart-+topping +par.4 3 pulled bac.1 @*tart /rom ,here (ou need to1A 3 loo.ed do,n at m( hand+4 rubbing them together4 tr(ing to ,ard o// tear+4 ,hen =erem( +tepped out o/ the bathroom1 Fe mu+t52e +een ho, inten+e ,e loo.ed becau+e he didn5t come o2er4 but rather excu+ed him+el/1 @35m going out to grab +ome brea./a+t1 35ll be bac. ,ithin the hour1A 6+ he +aid it4 he ga2e me a loo. o/ ,arning to go ea+( on >u.e1 <nce the door clic.ed +hut behind him4 3 glanced bac. into hi+ e(e+1 >u.e dropped hi+ head into hi+ hand+ /or a minute be/ore li/ting hi+ ga%e to meet mine1 @)( /amil(-the(5re gone1A Fe cho.ed out a +o/t +ound li.e he ,a+ holding bac. /rom cr(ing1 @9hatE GoneE 9hat are (ou tal.ing aboutEA @-he( ,ere .illed4 )ag+1 3n an accident1 )( ,hole /amil( i+ gone1 6/ter (ou le/t that da(4 3 didn5t handle thing+ ,ell1 3 ba+icall( became a reclu+e /or +ix month+1 3 ne2er heard /rom (ou1 3 thought e2entuall( (ou5d call or text-+omething1A 3 could tell he ,a+ doing hi+ be+t to not brea. do,n4 loo.ing a,a(4 clenching and unclenching hi+ 0a,1 @3 needed (ou +o much and (ou ,eren5t there1 3 ,a+ con2inced (ou ,ere dead4 becau+e there ,a+ no ,a( m( )aggie ,ouldn5t be there /or me1A Fe too. a deep breath1 @6n(,a(4 (ou didn5t4 +o 3 ,ent on a binge o/ part(ing4 girl+4 (ou name it-3 did it1 6nd 35m +orr( /or all o/ it1 3 ,a+ 0u+t +o pi++ed that (ou could thro, a,a( our time together li.e it meant nothing1A 3 +,allo,ed the lump in m( throat1 >u.e peered out the ,indo, /or +e2eral long +econd+4 then /ocu+ed bac. on me1 6+hamed4 3 rai+ed m( hand to +top him4 to explain4 but he +o/tl( grabbed hold o/ it1 @3 under+tand ,h( (ou /elt li.e (ou needed to +tart o2er +ome,here el+e4 but ,h( did (ou

+hut me outE 9h(E 3 ,ould52e ,al.ed through hell and bac. to /ix (ou1 3t ne2er made an( +en+e to me1 3 .no, ,hat he did ,a+ +o ,rong4 but ,h( did (ou need to lea2e meEA 3 ,a+ +till tr(ing to proce++ ,hat he5d told me1 3 ga+ped4 m( hand trembling at m( mouth1 @<h GodIA &2er( ,ord bro.e m( heart-but hi+ /amil(1 @9ait4 Phoebe5+111+he5+ goneEA >u.e lo2ed hi+ /amil( more than an(thing1 &+peciall( Phoebe1 *he al,a(+ loo.ed up to him4 li.e he ,a+ +ome +ort o/ god1 3 .ne, he had to be in terrible pain at their lo++4 but her e+peciall(1 -he( had an ama%ing bond1 Fe doted on her1 Fe5d +top ,hate2er he ,a+ doing to run to her i/ +he called /or an(thing1 Fe nodded hi+ head +lo,l(4 but remained :uiet1 @35m +o +orr(1 9hat happenedEA Fi+ e(e+ loc.ed ,ith mine4 but then he turned to loo. out the ,indo, brie/l(1 @6 /uc.ing heroin addict decided to go up a ramp the ,rong ,a(1 -he( all died1 6nd 3 ,a+n5t there1 3 can5t help but thin. i/ the( ,aited /or me4 e2en i/ it ,a+ onl( a minute+5 di//erence4 it could52e +a2ed them1 3 ha2e +o man( ,hat- i/+4 and (ou5re one o/ them1 3 don5t ,ant (ou to thin. that 35m blaming (ou ,hen 3 +a( that-3 0u+t need (ou to under+tand ,hat (ou lea2ing did to me1A 3 leaned o2er and pre++ed m( /orehead to hi+1 @?o (ou ha2e an( idea ho, hard it i+ to pic. out (our bab( +i+ter5+ out/it to be buried inEA Fe +hoo. hi+ head1 @3 ,a+ numb at the /uneral4 but 3 .ept chec.ing o2er m( +houlder /or (ou4 .no,ing that (ou5d come to ma.e the pain go a,a(1 9e al,a(+ /ixed each other4 )ag+1 But (ou ne2er came to /ix me1 *o 3 decided that there ,a+ no ,a( (ou ,ere ali2e4 Hcau+e (ou ,ould ne2er ha2e let me go through that alone1A -ear+ +pilled do,n m( /ace a+ m( arm+ ,rapped around him1 6t /ir+t he didn5t hug me bac.4 but then 3 /elt the undeniable +en+e o/ relie/ ,hen hi+ head re+ted on m( +houlder1 @3 didn5t .no,1 3 promi+e 3 ,ould52e come home1 3 ,a+ going through +ome thing+4 >u.e1A 3 pulled bac. /rom hi+ reach1 @3 didn5t thin. (ou could help me thi+ time1 3 needed me to /ix me1 3 /eel horrible /or not being there /or (ou1 35m +o +orr(1A @3 get that he hurt (ou1A Fe too. m( hand+ in hi+4 pulling me bac. in1 @3 don5t .no, )aggie4 3 ,a+ +o unbearable to be around1 3 became a total a++hole to an(one ,ho meant an(thing to me4 including m( +i+ter1 3 met +omeone about t,o month+ be/ore the accident1 9e +tarted dating and 3 li.ed her4 but then ,e got into our /ir+t /ight and 3 +,ear to god4 3 +a, (ou that night1 *he +creamed4 hand+ on hip+4 li.e (ou al,a(+ did ,hen (ou got pi++ed at me1 3 bro.e up ,ith her right there1 Phoebe (elled at me /or dumping her1 35d /inall( gotten m( act together1 Phoebe ,a+ ,orried about me and li.ed that 3 /ound +omeone ne,1 3 +hould ha2e gone home to +ee her in that pla(4 but all 3 ,anted to do ,a+ +ta( on campu+ and get ,a+ted becau+e 3 +till mi++ed (ou1 3 ,a+ +till in lo2e ,ith (ou1 3 mi++ed u+1 God4 )aggie not one da( ,ent b( that 3 didn5t thin. o/ (ou1 3t /uc.ing .illed me ,hen (ou le/t1 3 /eel li.e 3 /ailed (ou1A )( heart ,a+ brea.ing e2en more ,ith each con/e++ion4 to the point 3 ,a+n5t +ure 3 could handle hearing an(more1 @No4 >u.e1 7ou didn5t /ail me1 3 /ailed me1 C+1A @3 .no, (ou needed to do ,hat (ou did1 3t too. a long time /or me to get pa+t it4 but 3 /orga2e (ou a ,hile bac.4 )aggie1 3 hated (our /ather /or ,hat he did to (ou4 ,hat it did to u+4 and e2en though 3 ha2en5t /orgotten the pain it cau+ed ,hen (ou le/t4 m( heart ha+ /orgi2en (ou1A @35m +o +orr( about (our /amil(4 >u.e1A 3 +ni//led4 holding onto him1 @But4 than. (ou1 7our /orgi2ene++ mean+ the ,orld to me1A 6nd it did1 3t had troubled me +ince 3 le/t4 not .no,ing ,hat m( lea2ing did to him1 3 ,anted de+peratel( to .eep m( arm+ ,rapped around him4 to .i++ a,a( all hi+ pain but 3 held bac. remembering )ax ,a+ ,aiting to hear /rom me1 6nd 3 couldn5t do that to either o/ them1 3 2o,ed right then and there that 3 ,ould ne2er hurt >u.e again1

For the next t,ent( minute+4 >u.e held onto me +o tightl( it ,a+ hard to breathe4 both o/ u+ not ,anting to be the /ir+t to let go1 But a+ hi+ lip+ nu%%led m( nec.4 .i++ing the +pot he al,a(+ lo2ed4 it +lapped me bac. to realit(4 /orcing me to pull out o/ hi+ +trong embrace1 @3 +hould be getting bac. to m( place1 9hen ,ere (ou all planning to lea2eEA Fe +norted1 @3 don5t thin. =erem( i+ going an(,here ,ithout (ou1 7ou .no, that4 )ag+4 rightE Come home ,ith u+4 plea+eEA Fi+ hand+ cupped m( /ace a+ he +tared +traight into m( e(e+1 @35m begging (ou to come home ,ith u+1 3 need (ou1 35ll do an(thing (ou ,ant1A 3 +hoo. m( head1 God4 3 needed a cigarette +o badl(4 m( hand ,a+ +ha.ing1 @3 don5t .no, ,hat to do an(more1 3 ha2e to go and thin.1A 3 +tarted to ,al. out but >u.e grabbed hold o/ m( ,ai+t4 +pinning me around1 @3 can5t let (ou go alone1 7ou need to ,ait /or =er4 or let me come ,ith (ou1A >u.e pulled out hi+ phone1 @35ll text him1A 3 co2ered m( hand o2er hi+1 @35m not going to run1 3 0u+t need to get m( head +traight1 3 can5t do that ,hen (ou5re +taring at me li.e that1A @>i.e ,hatEA Fi+ e(ebro,+ +hot up4 hi+ cute4 dimpled grin appearing1 &2en though hi+ hair ,a+ bu%%ed in+tead o/ hi+ u+ual ,a2( bro,n loc.+4 tho+e deep green e(e+ al,a(+ made me melt1 3t had me /eeling li.e old time+1 @&xactl( ho, (ou5re doing right no,1 3 can5t do thi+4 >u.e1 35m +orr(1A 3 pu+hed hi+ hand a,a( and cran.ed open the door to /ind =erem( +itting in the hall4 a cup o/ co//ee in hi+ hand1 =erem( glanced up at me4 exhau+ted1 @7ou t,o /ini+hedEA @7eah4 3 ,a+ 0u+t heading home1 35ll call (ou in an hour or +o1A Fe 0umped up1 @No ,a(1A 3 grabbed him b( hi+ +houlder+4 /orcing him to loo. at me1 @3 promi+e (ou 35m not going an(,here1 3 0u+t need a /e, hour+4 and then ,e5ll tal.1 Come bac. o2er a/ter lunch4 o.a(EA =erem(5+ lip+ tightened into a thin line a+ he debated /or a minute1 @7ou +,earEA 3 nodded4 .i++ing hi+ chee.1 3 ,a+ hone+tl( +hoc.ed that neither o/ them came /l(ing up m( a++ to ma.e +ure 3 didn5t run4 but 3 had no rea+on to run no,1 3 gue++ the( belie2ed me1 Becau+e no one /ollo,ed1 )ax ,a+ alread( at the door ,hen 3 ,al.ed up to m( building1 Fi+ head ,a+ do,n4 hi+ 0ac.et opened4 hi+ hand+ +ho2ed in+ide the /ront poc.et+ o/ hi+ >e2i5+1 9hen he heard m( /oot+tep+ he immediatel( loo.ed up and +miled1 @Fe(4 there (ou are1 3 ,a+ getting ,orried1 Fo,5d it goEA Fe +tood4 and .i++ed me :uic.l( on the lip+1 @Better than 3 expected1 >et5+ go in+ide and 35ll tell (ou1A 6/ter reha+hing e2er(thing to )ax4 he loo.ed at me +adl(1 @*o4 ,hat are (ou going to doE 6re (ou actuall( thin.ing o/ going bac.EA 3 mo2ed clo+er to him to ,rap m( arm around hi+ ,ai+t1 @3 don5t .no, ,hat to do1 Part o/ me ,ant+ to go4 but then there5+ (ou1A 3 pau+ed1 @-here are the girl+4 the babie+ 3 hold4 Gio2anni5+ boxing cla++e+1A Fe +ta(ed +ilent1 @3 don5t .no, i/ ,hat ,e ha2e i+ going to la+t4 but 3 do .no, that 3 ,ant (ou in m( li/e4 )ax1A Boxing had become a ne, pa++ion e2er +ince *hannon too. me month+ ago1 *hannon .ne, m( +tor( and 3 thin. that ,a+ part o/ the rea+on +he dragged me there in the /ir+t place1 *he5d been a 2ictim o/ abu+e a+ ,ell1 3 ,anted to be +tronger4 and not /eel ,ea. /or an( rea+on1 Part o/ me ,ondered i/ 35d e2er go home1 3/ 35d ha2e to /ace m( dad again 3 ,a+ +ure a+ hell not going bac. ,ithout .no,ing 3 accompli+hed +omething1 &2en i/ it ,a+ a+ +imple a+ +el/-

con/idence1 3 +pent three hour+ a ,ee. ,ith Gio2anni1 -ru+t me ,hen 3 +a(4 tho+e ,ere three hour+ ,ell +pent1 3t ga2e me the a++urance to ,al. the +treet+ at night alone4 hold m( head high at the club4 and mo+t important4 the con/idence to ne2er let a man touch me4 ,hen 3 didn5t ,ant to be touched1 Fi+ lip+ touched me brie/l(1 @)e too1 3 don5t ,ant (ou to go4 but 3 don5t ,ant (ou to hold me re+pon+ible /or .eeping (ou a,a( /rom them1 But i/ (ou do go4 3 promi+e 35ll come out to 2i+it a+ much a+ 3 can1A 3 pulled him do,n ,ith me on m( bed4 /orgetting our problem+4 allo,ing hi+ trail o/ .i++e+ do,n m( nec. to ta.e me a,a(4 e2en i/ it ,a+ onl( /or /i2e minute+1 6nd /i2e minute+ had been about right1 -he bu%%er ,a+ going o// li.e mad1 3 could 0u+t picture them do,n there4 pu+hing and pu+hing not belie2ing that 3 ,a+ there1 @*orr(4A 3 +aid4 +cooting o// the bed1 3 glanced at the cloc.B it ,a+ barel( ele2en1 35d a+.ed /or a /e, mea+l( hour+4 and all 3 got ,a+ one1 3 bu%%ed them up and could hear their /eet pounding on the +tep+ until the( hit m( door+tep1 3 +tood there ,hile )ax lingered behind me4 tuc.ing in hi+ +hirt1 6ll three o/ them ,ere out o/ breath ,hen the( ,al.ed pa+t me into m( apartment1 3 heard >u.e +igh ,hen he noticed )ax4 but he didn5t +a( an(thing1 3t ,a+ =erem( ,ho +po.e /ir+t1 @*o4 (ou had an hour to thin.4 and 3 +ee that (ou5re bu+(4A =er grunted at )ax1 @But 3 ,ant to .no, ,hat (ou52e decided1A ?ean +mac.ed =er on the bac. o/ hi+ head and ga2e him the +tin.-e(e be/ore +tepping in /ront o/ me1 @9hat (our idiot brother meant to a+. ,a+4 ha2e (ou gi2en an( thought a+ to ,hat (ou might ,ant to doEA @3 ha2en5t reall( had a chance1A 3 +hi/ted m( e(e+ bac. to )ax ,here he +at on a +tool b( the +mall .itchen noo.4 pretending to be bu+( ,ith a maga%ine1 @9ell4 )ag+1A >u.e +tepped clo+er4 @,e ,ere all tal.ing on the ,al. o2er about ,hat could ma.e it ea+ier1 -he three o/ u+ ha2e an apartment1 7ou could +ta( ,ith u+ /or a+ long a+ (ou need1 =er and 35ll bun. in the +ame room4 +o that ,a(4 (ou could ha2e mine1A >u.e +aid ner2ou+l(1 @3/ that ,ould ,or. /or (ou4 3 mean1A &ach ,ord +eemed li.e he ,a+ +tumbling o2er the next1 3 glanced bac. to )ax ,ho loo.ed ner2ou+4 panic.ed1 &2en though 3 hated lea2ing Ne, 7or.4 m( /riend+4 and mo+t importantl(4 )ax1 3 .ne, 3 o,ed =erem( and >u.e time lo+t1 3 couldn5t hurt them an(more4 and truth/ull(4 3 needed them bac. in m( li/e too1 3t ,a+ time1 Neither one de+er2ed an( o/ it4 and 3 had +o much to ma.e up /or1 For not being there /or >u.e ,hen he needed me4 /or not being there /or =erem( ,hen he did too1 3 ,a+n5t +ure about m( mother but 3 ,a+ +ure 3 ,a+ read( to pro2e to m(+el/ that 3 could be +trong1 3 ,a+ going home1 9hen >u.e begged me earlier4 3 almo+t ca2ed4 but 3 had +omeone el+e in m( li/e 3 needed to thin. about1 6nd 3 ,a+ +ic. o/ hurting people1 3 ,al.ed o2er to )ax4 re+ting m( hand on hi+ +houlder1 @9ill (ou go /or a ,al. ,ith meEA Fi+ e(e+ clo+ed4 but he ga2e me a .no,ing nod1 >u.e turned a,a( ,hen ,e headed out4 but =erem( ,atched me1 <nce out+ide ,e +at on the /ront +toop1 @7ou5re going bac.4 aren5t (ouEA )ax a+.ed he+itantl(1 3 grabbed hi+ hand+ in mine1 @3 ha2e to1 3 am +o +orr(1A @3t5+ o.a(1 >i.e 3 +aid4 35d lo2e to come 2i+it1 3 could help (ou mo2e in or +omething1 -hi+ doe+n5t ha2e to end right no,4 i/ (ou don5t ,ant it to1 )a(be 35ll li.e it out there1A Fe ran hi+ hand through m( hair and pulled me in /or a +,eet .i++1 @-here5+ nothing in the cit( /or me an(more i/ (ou go1 *o let5+ 0u+t +a(4 35ll come out in t,o ,ee.+4 and ,e5ll go /rom there1 No hea2( goodb(e5+-0u+t ,e5ll +ee each other +oon1A

3 +miled1 @Jeall(E 7ou5d come outE 3 mean that much to (ouEA Fe care++ed m( chee.4 pu+hing m( hair o2er m( +houlder1 @7eah4 (ou do1A -hat ,a+ the thing 3 adored about )ax1 Fe made me /eel +pecial4 that 3 ,a+ ne2er letting him do,n1 -hat no matter ,hat 3 did4 he under+tood1 3 needed that /eeling to ma.e m( in+ecuritie+ di++ipate1 Fi+ mouth /ound mine and 3 melted into him1 @?o ,e at lea+t ha2e one night alone be/ore (ou goEA 3 nodded1 @7eah4 3 thin. 3 can arrange that1A 3 hoped an(,a(1 6/ter )ax had le/t /or the da(4 >u.e in+i+ted on ,al.ing me to the club to tell =imm( that 3 ,a+ lea2ing in the next da(1 -hat5+ ,hen he /ound out about m( ne, habit1 @9hat the hell are (ou doingEA Fe (an.ed the cigarette /rom m( mouth be/ore 3 lit it1 3 +hrugged4 pulling another /rom the pac.1 @3t5+ 0u+t +omething 3 pic.ed up1A @GreatI )aggie4 ,hat el+e are (ou going to +pring on u+E *trip club4 ne, man in (our li/e4 +mo.ing-,hat5+ nextEA @Plea+e don5t +tart ,ith me4 >u.e1 3t5+ helped me get through thing+1 35m +ure (ou under+tand that1A Fe e(ed me ,ithout +a(ing a ,ord4 li.e it /inall( clic.ed1 6 +econd later4 he +aid4 @3 get it1 352e had m( 2ice+ thi+ ,hole time4 but 35ll get (ou to +top1 *mo.ing .ill+4 (ou .no,1A =erem( ,anted to lea2e right a,a(4 but 3 begged >u.e and ?ean to help me con2ince him that 3 needed at lea+t t,ent( /our hour+ to tie up loo+e end+1 GGG )ax and 3 ,ere /inall( gi2en +ome +pace1 3t ,a+n5t ea+( to get4 e+peciall( ,ith >u.e4 but 3 thin. he con+idered me going bac. ,ith them a+ the better end o/ the deal1 &2en though 35d ,al.ed a,a( /rom >u.e almo+t t,o (ear+ ago4 it no, /elt li.e 3 ,a+ +omeho, cheating on him ,ith )ax1 =u+t accepting the /ir+t date ,a+ a huge +tep /or me1 >u.e had been the onl( man 3 e2er lo2ed4 the per+on 3 thought 35d be ,ith /ore2er1 3t /elt +o ,rong to be ,ith )ax4 but at the +ame time4 3 couldn5t +top it1 3 compared .i++e+4 touche+4 broad +houlder+4 +mell+4 e2er(thing1 &2en though )ax ,a+ ama%ing4 nothing compared to ,hat >u.e did to me1 35d ne2er been one o/ tho+e girl+ ,ho could ha2e a one-night +tand4 go home ,ith a total +tranger4 or ha2e a :uic.ie in the bac. +eat1 3t ,a+n5t me1 3 needed to ha2e /eeling+4 +trong /eeling+4 i/ 3 ,ere to allo, the relation+hip to progre++ to that next le2el1 3 +,ear thi+ ,a+ God5+ ,a( o/ te+ting m( /eeling+ and 2alue+1 Naturall(4 3 ,a+ a bit on edge to +pend one la+t night in )ax5+ arm+1 6t lea+t until he came out to Chicago to 2i+it me1 6/ter +ho,ering4 +ha2ing4 and running the bru+h through m( hair4 ,hich 3 le/t do,n /or him4 3 got dre++ed1 -he bu%%er rang at exactl( +e2en1 -he la+t /e, hour+ o/ cleaning4 pac.ing4 and getting read( ,ere a relie/ +ince 3 ,a+ able to /orget about >u.e and ,hat the bo(+ ,ere doing on their la+t night1 *eeing them did +omething to me that 3 couldn5t explain1 3 ached to be around them again1 But4 3 o,ed )ax one night4 nothing in bet,een u+4 nothing holding me bac.1 9hether he .ne, it he helped patch up +o man( hole+ and .ept me together ,hile 3 ,a+ here1 Fe de+er2ed all o/ m( attention1 )ax +ho,ed up ,ith a bottle o/ ,ine4 a couple pint+ o/ ta.eout Chine+e4 and a do%en red ro+e+1 9e ,ere +nuggled up +ide b( +ide4 li+tening to hi+ 3Phone pla( mu+ic on Pandora ,hile ,e ate1 Fe .ne, 3 li.ed the +,eet-and-+our chic.en4 +o he onl( dipped hi+ chop+tic.+ in once to

+nag a piece1 @3 can5t belie2e 35m not going to be able to do thi+ ,ith (ou an(more4A he +po.e in a clipped tone4 but 3 could hear the +adne++ behind it1 3 placed m( /ood onto the table1 @3 .no,1A @3 don5t ,ant to be (our regret4 )aggie1A @7ou could ne2er be that4 )ax4A 3 breathed out the ,ord+4 ,ondering ,h( he5d /eel that ,a(1 Fe ga2e me a +ad +mile but +et hi+ /ood do,n next to mine1 3t all happened +o /a+t1 <ne minute 3 ,a+ +itting next to him on the couch4 the next 3 ,a+ /lat on m( bac.1 Fe care/ull( placed him+el/ on top4 ga%ing do,n at me ,ith a loo. o/ de+peration1 3 could tell ,ithout him a+.ing ,hat he ,anted /rom me be/ore 3 le/t him behind1 Fe ,anted all o/ me1 @Plea+e4A he begged1 3 li/ted m( head to meet hi+4 ta.ing hi+ bottom lip bet,een m( teeth1 @-a.e me to bed4A 3 ,hi+pered1 Fi+ e(e+ clo+ed brie/l( be/ore 3 ,a+ re,arded ,ith a +mile1 Fi+ +trong arm+ +cooped me /rom the couch1 Fe ,al.ed to,ard m( bed4 gentl( placing me do,n1 Fe +at on the edge to remo2e hi+ blac. boot+4 grinning a+ he pee.ed o2er hi+ +houlder1 *lo,l(4 he inched hi+ ,a( up m( bod( until hi+ lip+ reached mine1 Fe parted m( mouth ,ith hi+ tongue4 +lo,l( ta.ing tin( nip+ at m( lip+1 Fe roc.ed into me once4 a+ he +lipped hi+ hand under m( nec.4 li/ting m( head1 Fe moaned4 and +at up1 @Can ,e get rid o/ the+eEA Fe glanced do,n at m( pant+1 3 nodded1 Fe :uic.l( unbuttoned m( 0ean+4 tugging them until the( ,ere o//1 Fe to++ed them on the /loor4 and then .ic.ed o// hi+ o,n pant+1 Fe ,a+ being rather bra2e tonight4 and 3 li.ed that1 Fi+ boxer+ +lipped do,n o2er the cur2e o/ hi+ hip+4 then he +lid bac. onto the bed next to me1 <ne b( one4 he unbuttoned m( blou+e ,ithout ta.ing hi+ e(e+ o// mine1 @7ou are +o /uc.ing beauti/ul4 )aggie1A -he ,ord+ le/t hi+ lip+ li.e he ,a+ ha2ing a hard time breathing1 Fe +lid m( blou+e o// m( +houlder+4 reaching underneath to unhoo. m( bra1 @6re (ou +ure4 becau+e 3 don5t thin. 35ll be able to +top i/ ,e .eep going111A Feeling bra2e m(+el/4 3 ran m( hand do,n hi+ +tomach until m( /inger+ /ound their target1 Fe groaned4 a+ 3 +tro.ed him and 3 /elt e2er( ounce o/ ho, much he ,a+ turned on1 Fe too. hold o/ m( /ree hand4 placing it abo2e m( head4 raining .i++ a/ter .i++ do,n m( /ace until hi+ mouth reached m( brea+t+1 Fe pulled m( other hand o2er m( head4 ,rapping both o/ them into hi+1 3 arched m( bac.4 tilting m( head a+ he +an. in bet,een m( thigh+1 Fi+ erection pre++ed again+t m( ,et pantie+4 demanding entrance1 -hi+ ,a+ it1 -he +econd man 3 ,a+ able to relent to4 to gi2e m(+el/ o2er to one hundred percent ,ithout an( hang-up+1 3 .ne, ,hat 3 /elt /or him ,a+ more than +imple /riend+hip and +ometime+ 3 e2en thought it might 0u+t be the > 9ord1 -hen again4 ma(be it ,a+ the other > ,ord1 >u+t1 Fe pulled bac.4 lightl( tracing e2er( line on m( /ace4 .i++ing m( lip+ +o +o/tl(1 3 ,anted to cr( and 3 ,a+n5t +ure ,h(1 9hen 3 opened m( e(e+4 3 could tell he thought that thi+ might be all o2er +oon1 C+1 -hat thi+ might be the onl( time that ,e5d be able to +hare +omething +o +pecial4 and he ,anted to ta.e it regardle++ o/ the /allout1 Fe reached o// the bed to grab hi+ 0ean+ to pull a condom /rom the poc.et1 <nce he got me going4 moaning hi+ name at the +imple touch o/ hi+ lip+ on m( bod(4 he ripped m( pantie+ do,n and mo2ed on top o/ me4 +lipping in+ide me1 Fe .i++ed m( lip+ once1 @)aggie4 3 lo111A Be/ore he could /ini+h 3 cra+hed m( lip+ onto hi+1 3 .ne, ,hat he ,a+ going to +a(4 and 3 couldn5t let tho+e ,ord+ +lip o// hi+ tongue1 *el/i+hl(4 3 de2oured him be/ore he could admit hi+ true /eeling+4 becau+e 3 couldn5t +a( them bac.1 6nd 3 hated m(+el/ /or it1

Chapter 8
>u.e 3 +hould o/ .no,n thi+ ,a+ going to be her /ir+t +top1 ?ean barel( par.ed hi+ truc. in the lot at our apartment complex be/ore +he demanded =er5+ .e(+ to hi+ car1 35d ,aited hal/ and hour be/ore going a/ter her1 )( mind ,a+ completel( /ried ,ith ,a( too man( +cenario+ running through it to .eep it together1 3 ,a+ 0u+t glad ,e /ound her ,hether +he ,anted u+ to or not4 regardle++ i/ 3 e2er ,on her bac.1 *he had +aid +he ,a+ glad ,e /ound her but 3 ,a+n5t a hundred percent con2inced +he ,a+ happ( lea2ing that 0ac.a++ )ax behind1 35d hid behind one o/ the maple tree+ 0u+t ,atching her1 Cnable to loo. a,a(1 *he ,a+ on her .nee+4 head in her hand+ and cr(ing1 6t /ir+t 3 ,a+n5t +ure4 but the +tead( ri+e and /all o/ her +houlder+ let me .no, +he ,a+ brea.ing do,n1 Finding )aggie ,a+ an ab+olute god+end but re2i+iting the ,or+t night o/ m( li/e ,a+ pain/ul1 -he boo%e4 the drug+4 e2er(thing 3 did to e+cape that /eeling in+ide m( che+t /or the pa+t /e, month+ ,a+ bac.1 Not a+ po,er/ul a+ be/ore but it +till /elt li.e utter hell1 3 ,a+n5t +tupid4 3 .ne, it had e2er(thing to do ,ith )aggie being bac.1 35d a2oided thi+ place a+ much a+ po++ible +ince it ,a+ +uch a pain/ul reminder that the( ,ere gone4 but at the +ame time it /elt li.e a betra(al to +ta( a,a(1 -here ,ere /re+h /lo,er+ on top o/ each gra2e4 one+ 3 .ne, had to ha2e been brought b( )aggie1 No one el+e 2i+ited1 -he re+t o/ our /amil( li2ed too /ar a,a( to ma.e dail( 2i+it+ to a gra2e+ite1 )aggie5+ +houlder+ +lumped4 her arm+ ,rapped around her ,ai+t in a tight +:uee%e and 3 .ne, 3 couldn5t ,al. a,a(1 3 hated to +ee )aggie in pain1 -hat ,a+ a ,hole other i++ue1 )( need to /ix )aggie1 35d been doing it +o long it ,a+ +econd nature to me1 9hen +he le/t and 3 reali%ed 3 /ailed her it nearl( .illed me1 Fer lea2ing ,a+ bad enoughB the rea+on behind it ,a+ ,hat had almo+t done me in1 3/ +he ne2er came bac. 35d deal1 35d hate it but 35d deal1 'no,ing +he ,al.ed becau+e +he didn5t ha2e /aith in me or u+4 and becau+e 3 ,a+ too ignorant to not +ee the +ign+ ,hen ,e ,ere (ounger4 +tung li.e hell1 )( /eet brought me ,ithin inche+ o/ her ,ithout e2en thin.ing about it1 *he ,a+ +o caught up in her mi+er( that +he didn5t hear me approach1 @Blue4A 3 called out1 Fer head li/ted4 but +he +till .ept a /irm grip around her ,ai+t1 @Fe(1A @7ou all rightEA )aggie5+ tear+ mixed ,ith her con+tant +ni//ling ,a+ burning in+ide o/ m( brain li+tening to her +ob1 *he +,iped her .nuc.le+ acro++ the underneath o/ her e(e+4 and then loo.ed at me1 @No1 35m not all right1 3 +hould ha2e been here1A 3 .nelt do,n be+ide her1 @)ag+ (ou can5t ta.e bac. ,hat5+ impo++ible1 Phoebe ,ouldn5t ,ant (ou .neeling here4 +obbing li.e the ,orld5+ o2er1A )( arm in+tincti2el( reached around4 hauling her to m( +ide4 .i++ing her temple1 @3t5+ o.a( to cr(4 Blue but don5t ta.e that on that guilt /or not being here1A @7ou ,anted me here1 7ou +aid +o (our+el/1A *he +ni//led again and it ,a+ eating me up in+ide1 @3 .no, ,hat 3 +aid1 3 did ,ant (ou here4 but it5+ o2er1 9e can5t /ix that1A *he collap+ed into m( arm+4 tuc.ing her chin into m( che+t1 -he tear+ .ept /alling +o 3 held her tighter tr(ing to ta.e her pain a,a(1 Cn/ortunatel(4 unable to .eep mine at ba(1 @3 hate coming here1 *ometime+ 3 dri2e b( and +top4 +ometime+ 3 .eep going unable to come to term+ ,ith it all1 3t5+ too real ,hen 35m here1A Fer arm+ +:uee%ed m( ,ai+t tighter1 @3 lo+t /aith about a lot o/ +hit4 )aggie4 but then there (ou ,ere1 6nd 3 +,ear to (ou on m( +i+ter5+ li/e4 0u+t +eeing

(ou4 /inding (ou4 it made me /eel that /aith4 that hope 35d lo+t1A @>u.eKA +he ,himpered4 +till attached to m( ,ai+t4 head buried1 @=u+t .no,ing that (ou ,ere o.a(4 bab(4 3 can5t tell (ou ,hat that5+ done /or me1A Fer head +hoo. a+ +he li+tened to m( ,ord+1 @3 +hould ha2e called-+omething1 35m +o +orr(1A 3 couldn5t hold it in an(more1 -he ,ound ,a+ torn open li.e it a+ brand +pan.in5 ne,1 -ear+ +treamed do,n m( /ace e2en though 3 +,ore 3 ,ould not +hed one more tear1 But +eeing )aggie4 going o2er it all again cra+hed through me1 Fard1 @<h God4 >u.e1A *he gripped me tighter1 @3 need to be here /or (ou1 *top thin.ing about me4 plea+e1 3 ,ant to ta.e (our hurt a,a( /or once1A @3 .no,4 Blue1 But4 a+ long a+ ,e got (ou bac.4 3 don5t care an(more1A -ear+ /ell /rom m( o,n e(e a+ 3 held onto her1 3 didn5t mean /or them to come4 the( 0u+t did1 *he opened a ,ound b( coming here4 not to mention )aggie 0u+t e2en exi+ting in m( /uc.ed up ,orld again1 @<h God4 >u.eK no1 35m +o +orr(1 ?on5t cr(1A Cnable to +top m( emotion+ /rom ta.ing a toll4 3 gripped her hard1 @)ag+4 35m +o /uc.ing lo+t 3 can5t +ee +traight1A @9hat can 3 doE 35ll do an(thing1A Fer hand ra.ed through m( hair4 gripping m( nec.4 pulling me clo+er1 @-he( did e2er(thing /or me1 )( momK/uc.4 +he ,a+ a good mom4 )ag+1 3 don5t e2en .no, ,ho to call to a+. +tupid :ue+tion+ an(more1 3 could call her and 0u+t a+.4 @he(4 mom 3 le/t +ome bee/ out /or a /e, hour+ too long i+ it +till o.a( to eatE *hit li.e that1 3t .ill+ me to ha2e no one to call1 ?o (ou under+tandE 3t5+ all the little thing+ about them that 3 mi++1A @3 under+tand1 God4 >u.e4 3 could barel( pa( m( bill+1 )( mil. ,ent bad4 chee+e gre, mold ,here 35d need to +crape it o// be/ore 3 ate it1 3 ,ould52e lo2ed to ha2e +omeone to call1 6nd (eah4 3 get mi++ing +omeone /or the little thing+ too1 3 mi++ed =erem( cran.ing up hi+ mu+ic4 3 mi++ed ?ean calling me .iddo4 and 3 mi++ed the ,a( (ou ,ould al,a(+ mindle++l( pla( ,ith m( hair1 3 get it4 >u.e1 3 do1A )( tear+ /inall( under control4 3 +miled a+ 3 pulled a,a(1 @*hitIA 3 blin.ed to regain /ocu+1 @3 ha2en5t been here in a ,hile1 3 didn5t mean to lo+e it1A *he +tudied me /or a /e, +econd+4 ,iping her o,n tear+ a,a(1 *he grabbed m( hand+ in her+ and +miled1 @3 could reall( u+e +ome co//ee1 )( treat1A 3 +miled bac.4 @35ll ta.e (ou up on that i/ (ou let me ta.e (ou out /or co//ee1A )aggie +tood4 hand reached out to (an. me up1 ?eepl( inhaling 3 too. it and ,e ,ent /or co//ee1 -he car ride home had been intere+ting and 3 ,anted to a+. her about it4 but 3 re/rained too happ( to be +itting in the local co//ee hou+e acro++ /rom her4 li.e +he5d ne2er le/t1 3 .ne, it ,ould be hard /or her ,hen +he did4 +o 3 con2inced m(+el/ to let it go until +he ,a+ read(1 3t had been t,o ,ee.+ +ince ,e returned1 )aggie +till hadn5t o//ered up an( rea+on ,h( +he le/t4 and =erem( ne2er pu+hed1 Fe 0u+t +tared at her4 gaging her /ace /or clue+1 *he didn5t gi2e an(1 Fone+tl(4 it +urpri+ed me that he ,a+n5t /rea.ing the hell out on her4 but 3 ne2er li.ed to +ee )aggie bac.ed into a corner4 +o 3 .ept :uiet1 )aggie ,a+ thumbing through the ,ant ad+ ,hen 3 +tepped into the .itchen1 *ometime+ 3 had to remind m(+el/ that +he ,a+n5t mine an(more1 3t ,a+ li.e 3 ,a+ on autopilot ,hene2er 3 +a, her1 35d mo2e clo+e enough to .i++ her and then remember 3 couldn5t1 6t lea+t not the ,a( 3 ,anted to1 9hen +he ,al.ed bac. into m( li/e4 3 .ne, 3 couldn5t let her ,al. out the door again1

&2er1 3t5d been a peace/ul t,o ,ee.+ tr(ing to get to .no, each other again1 &2en =erem( loo+ened up ,hen it came to her1 9e all /ell into our old role+ a+ /riend+1 35d hoped to +.ip o2er that part again4 but )aggie in+i+ted1 *o ,e ,ere /riend+1 -here ,ere t,o thing+ 3 +u+pected ,ould happenM the /ir+t4 +he ,ould /inall( gi2e in to m( /lirtatiou+ touche+4 loo.+4 and ,ord+B and the +econd4 3 .ne, it ,a+ onl( a matter o/ time be/ore the +hit hit the /an +o to +pea.1 6nd that time approached a hell o/ a lot /a+ter than 35d counted on1 3t ,a+ a Frida(4 and the night prior 35d o2erheard )aggie telling =er that )ax ,a+ coming /or a ,ee.end 2i+it1 3 ,anted to ma.e m(+el/ +carce-there ,a+ no ,a( in hell 3 ,a+ ,atching +ome other dude touch m( girl1 But e2en 3 .ne, m( +tupid-a++ +el/ ,ouldn5t be able to +ta( a,a( /rom her all night1 35d ta.e the pain li.e a man1 @6n( luc. (et ,ith the 0ob huntingEA *he an+,ered ,ithout loo.ed up /rom the paper4 but an+,ered1 @<h4 he(1 Cm1113 gue++ 3 could ,aitre++ /or a little ,hile1A *he circled another ad in red pen1 @'eep m( /eeler+ out1 Fo, about (ouE 9hat are (ou up to toda(EA Fer big blue e(e+ ,idened ,hen +he +a, m( +hirtle++ che+t1 *he didn5t thin. 3 noticed4 but +he loo.ed a,a( :uic. enough4 +uc.ing on that cute bottom lip o/ her+1 3 laughed to m(+el/4 .no,ing that 3 got to her1 Good1 @3 got nothing going right no,1 3 ha2e to ,or. tonight4 though1 7ou +hould come do,n1 -here5+ a good band pla(ing1A 3 tended bar at one o/ the more popular place+ in to,n4 one that +he hadn5t +tepped /oot into (et1 3 .ept tr(ing to get her to come4 but +he al,a(+ turned me do,n ,ith +ome lame a++ excu+e1 *he /lic.ed her e(e+ in m( direction4 +miling1 @9e5ll +ee1A 6nd that ,a+ )aggie code /or @no1A 6/ter pouring a cup o/ co//ee4 3 grabbed the chair next to her4 t,i+ted it around4 and +at /acing her1 @9ell4 ,hat about later1 7ou gotta eat1 Fo, about (ou and me go grab +ome lunch toda(E =u+t the t,o o/ u+1A *he drummed the pen on the paper4 pretending to read the ,ant ad+ to di+tract her+el/1 @3 don5t .no, i/ that5+ a good idea1A @9h( notEA 3 a+.ed anno(ed1 @Becau+e4 3 ha2e a ton o/ thing+ to do1 3 need to get read(1A @Jead( /or ,hatEA 3 .ne, ,hat +he ,a+ going to +a(4 but /ran.l( 3 ,anted to ma.e her +,eat a little1 3 /elt li.e a dic. putting her on the +pot4 but ,hat about meE 9hat about m( damn /eeling+E 35d gi2en her t,o ,ee.+ o/ +pace to /igure her +hit out1 -here ,a+ no ,a( 3 ,a+ letting her +lip out o/ m( /inger+ again1 35d let her ha2e her little ,ee.end ,ith )ax1 3 .ne, +he5d come around1 *he 0u+t had to1 *he pu+hed bac. /rom the table4 ,al.ing to the +in. to /ill her gla++1 @)ax i+ coming1 Fi+ plane land+ around /our and 3 ,anted to chec. into a /e, coo.ing cla++e+1 3 ha2e +ome mone( +a2ed1A Fer hand+ gripped the edge+ o/ the +in.4 .eeping her bac. to me a+ +he /inall( decided to admit it out loud to me1 3 +tepped o2er to her :uietl( and placed m( hand+ on either +ide o/ her4 trapping her in bet,een m( arm+1 Fer head dropped +lightl( ,hen m( /inger+ gra%ed her thumb+1 @3+ that +oEA 3 a+.ed4 a+ 3 leaned o2er her +houlder1 *he +ighed loudl(4 but didn5t mo2e1 @>u.e4 (ou5re ma.ing me uncom/ortable1A

3 /ro%e /or a +econd1 3 then pu+hed o// the +in.4 bac.ing up a /e, inche+1 @*ince ,hen do 3 ma.e (ou uncom/ortableEA 3 ,hi+pered1 *he turned and loo.ed into m( e(e+4 but then do,n4 li.e her /eet ,ere +uddenl( more intere+ting1 @35m +o +orr(1A *he :uic.l( ,al.ed around me4 and 3 could hear her cr(ing1 @?on5t be +orr(1A 3t too. e2er(thing not to grab her and haul her a++ into m( room1 Part o/ me under+tood it had been almo+t t,o /uc.ing (ear+4 but the other part o/ me had ne2er /orgotten ho, ea+( it ,a+ ,ith )aggie4 that 3 ,a+ +till cra%( in lo2e ,ith her1 3t ,a+ going to ta.e +ome time and e//ort4 and a ,hole lot o/ patience on m( part to get her bac.1 3 ,a+ pi++ed 3 had to ,or. tonight4 and e2en more pi++ed becau+e e2er(bod( +eemed to .no, ,h( 3 ,a+ +o pi++ed1 Be/ore 3 le/t4 )aggie ,a+ humming happil( in the bedroom 3 ga2e up /or her1 ?ean and =erem( glanced up ,hen 3 ,al.ed into the room a+ the( pla(ed Dbox1 3 paced bac. and /orth4 li.e a caged animal glancing at her door more time+ than 3 +hould ha2e1 -he .e(+ /umbled in m( hand+4 dropping to the /loor +econdar( to ner2e+1 @35ll .eep m( e(e on her1 Go to ,or.4A =erem( +aid a+ he /ro,ned4 ta.ing in m( demeanor1 @3 can5t belie2e +he5+ bringing thi+ gu( here4 man1 3t5+ not cool4A 3 admitted1 ?ean pau+ed the game1 @*he5+ not (our+4 man1 7ou5re not a couple1 -he( ,on5t ma.e it an(,a(1 Fe li2e+ too /ar a,a(4 and then (ou can +,oop bac. in once he dump+ her1A 3 ,a+ about to barge in on her ,hen )aggie opened the bedroom door1 *he had on tight blue 0ean+ and a +.imp( +,eater that made (ou 2er( a,are +he ,a+ a girl ,ith +ome +eriou+ cur2e+1 3 blin.ed a /e, time+4 e2en opened m( mouth to tell her to get bac. in there and change4 but in+tead 3 bit the in+ide o/ m( chee.4 +hot her a +mug +mile4 and ,al.ed out1 *he loo.ed beauti/ul1 3 /orced m(+el/ to get in m( car4 to pretend that nothing ,a+ going to bother me /or the next eight hour+ o/ m( +hi/t1 &2en a+ 3 poured drin.+ throughout the e2ening4 openl( /lirting ,ith e2er( girl ,ho came near1 3 couldn5t .eep m( mind o// )aggie and ,hat +he ,a+ doing1 Flirting ,a+ a part o/ the game at ,or.1 -he more 3 /lirted4 the bigger the tip+1 3n the la+t t,o (ear+4 e+peciall( a/ter )aggie le/t4 the /lirting turned into a lot more1 6 girl 35d had a /un time ,ith on +e2eral occa+ion+ had been e(eing me /or the la+t hal/ hour4 and 3 reall( ,anted to ta.e her home to gi2e )aggie a ta+te o/ her o,n medicine1 But4 in the end4 3 0u+t ,in.ed and told her not tonight1 3 ,aited to go home until a/ter three in the morning to a2oid the t,o o/ them1 35d hoped the( gotten their happ( /uc.ing reunion done and o2er ,ith1 -he la+t thing 3 needed to hear ,ere their plea+urable moan+ through the damn paper-thin ,all+1 -here5+ onl( +o much a man can ta.e4 and that ain5t one o/ them1 3 +hi2ered thin.ing about it1 3t ,a+ :uiet1 =er ,a+ alread( a+leep ,hen 3 +tepped into the room1 3 +lipped out o/ m( clothe+ be/ore l(ing on the bed1 3 popped a Danax and pa++ed out at +ome point4 imagining the di//erent ,a( to ma.e her come around1 GGG 3 +tumbled out o/ the room ,hen 3 heard (elling1 3 ,a+n5t read( to get up4 but 3 thought 3 heard )aggie cr(ing4 +o 3 mo2ed :uic.er than 3 thought po++ible a/ter coming out o/ that druginduced ha%e1 @3t5+ (our mother4 )ag+1 *he ,ant+ to +ee (ou4A =erem( (elled1 3 did a :uic. +,eep4 noticing the( ,ere alone +itting at the .itchen i+land1 @9hat5+ going onEA 3 a+.ed4 reaching /or the co//ee pot1 =erem( tore hi+ glare /rom her to me1 @*he doe+n5t ,ant to go to lunch at m( mom5+

toda(1 -ell her +he need+ to come1 *he5ll li+ten to (ou1A Fe turned bac. to )aggie1 @7ou can e2en bring that douche1A 3 glanced at )aggie4 her e(e+ red1 3n+tantl( 3 ,anted to go to her-to /ix her4 but 3 couldn5t1 3n+tead 3 bac.ed her up1 @=er4 man4 don5t ma.e her go1 3/ +he5+ not read(4 +he5+ not read(1A @-han.+ a /uc.ing lot4 a++hole1 3 ,a+ counting on (ou to help me1A @9ell4 count on +omeone el+e1A 3 too. a +eat4 +till in m( boxer+ and m( ,i/e beater ,hen )ax +trolled out o/ m( old room loo.ing li.e one +ati+/ied man1 =u+t /uc.ing greatI =erem( didn5t pa( him an( mind and .ept going on ,ith hi+ rant1 @<.a(4 )aggie4A +aid =erem(1 @7ou don5t ,ant to go +ee )om4 /ine1 -hen 3 need to .no, e2er(thing1 35m done ,aiting1 3t5+ been t,o ,ee.+ and 352e .ept :uiet4 tr(ing to let (ou /igure it all out4 but 3 ,ant to .no, the truth4 in+tead o/ ,ondering ,h(1 3/ (ou don5t ,ant to ha+h it out at home ,ith )om4 then let5+ do it here1 HCau+e 35m hanging on b( a thread not .no,ing e2er(thing1A )aggie glanced up at )ax4 no, +tanding be+ide her4 and +tarted to an+,er1 @7ou .no, ,hat 3 +aid in the letter1 )om and ?ad treated me di//erent /rom (ou1 3t ,a+ all about (ou4 =erem(1 7ou got the car4 (ou got to go to the +chool (ou ,anted4 (ou had mone( handed to (ou1 7ou got e2er(thing1 3 got nothing4 =er1 Nothing1 ?o (ou e2en .no, m( dreamEA =erem( laughed out loud1 @=e+u+I 7ou reall( expect me to belie2e that +hitE 7ou le/t becau+e (ou ,ere 0ealou+ o/ meE Fine1 >et5+ +a( that5+ true1A Fe laughed again4 holding up hi+ hand+1 @But do (ou expect me to belie2e that (ou le/t >u.e /or that rea+onE Becau+e 3 .no, ho, much (ou lo2ed him4 +o +top bull+hitting me1A Fuc.I 3 couldn5t belie2e he ,anted to do get into thi+ no,1 Not ,ith the a++hole here read( to +,oop in and pla( hero1 @No1 3 gue++111A *he +tumbled to get up4 +eeming ner2ou+1 3 /elt bad /or =erem(1 3 /elt horrible /or )aggie1 *ometime+ 3 e2en /elt guilt( that 3 .ne, the rea+on and he didn5t1 3t put me in a horrible po+ition4 but 3 ne2er bro.e m( promi+e+ to her4 and 3 didn5t intend to +tart no,1 )ax too. her hand in hi+4 and 3 +,allo,ed hard4 ,atching them together1 3 pretended not to notice4 +ipping m( co//ee1 @3t5+ o.a(4 )aggie1 35m here1 )a(be (ou +hould tell him4A )ax +aid4 urging her to tal.1 3 +,ore 35d .eep it under control4 but at that moment4 3 lo+t it1 @9h( the /uc. are (ou e2en hereE -hi+ i+ a /amil( matter4A 3 (elled a+ 3 +tood4 getting into hi+ /ace1 )( /i+t balled at m( +ide4 read( to ta.e a +,ing1 Fe didn5t an+,er me but pulled )aggie clo+er to him4 a,a( /rom me1 @>u.e4 +top1A @No4 )aggie1 Fe need+ to lea2e1 -hi+ i+ going to be a lot /or =er to ta.e in1 >o2erbo( need+ to lea2e no, i/ ,e5re doing thi+1A )ax tugged her behind him a/ter he noticed m( clenched /i+t1 @3 .no, ,hat it i+1 *o 35d li.e to +ta( /or )aggie4A )ax +aid through clenched teeth1 3 peered around him1 @7ou told himE =e+u+4 )ag+IA No, 3 ,a+ /uriou+ ,ith her /or +haring +omething +o per+onal ,ith him1 3 thought 3 ,a+ the onl( per+on +he tru+ted ,ith her deepe+t +ecret+1 3 gue++ he meant more to her than 3 thought4 but it +till didn5t change the /act that 3 ,anted hi+ a++ out o/ m( place1 )ax tuc.ed her bac. a little more +o 3 couldn5t e2en +ee her hiding behind him4 li.e he ,a+ protecting her /rom me1 6nd that pi++ed me o// e2en more1 ?id he reall( thin. 35d e2er hurt herE 3 +tepped /or,ard until ,e +tood no+e to no+e4 loo.ing him +:uare in the /ace1 @?ude4 35m gi2ing (ou a head+-up /or her4 but (ou ha2e about ten +econd+ to get the /uc. out o/ m( apartment4A 3 roared1

Fe didn5t mo2e4 but +he did1 *he came around4 duc.ing to get in bet,een u+1 *he /aced him4 hand+ on hi+ che+t4 pu+hing him bac. /rom me1 @Fe5+ right1 Could (ou go get +ome /ood in to,nE Gi2e me a couple hour+1A )ax glared at me4 then bac. do,n at her be/ore nodding1 @7eah4 35ll call (ou in a bit1A Fe leaned o2er to .i++ her on her mouth4 but +he turned her head +lightl( +o he onl( got her chee.1 3 ,anted to /eel bad /or the gu(4 but 3 didn5t1 None o/ thi+ ,a+ hi+ bu+ine++1 Fell4 +ometime+ 3 didn5t thin. it ,a+ mine4 but 35d been apart o/ their li2e+ /or a+ long a+ 3 could remember1 *o 3 /elt li.e 3 belonged here1 6nd 3 .ne, thi+ ,a+n5t going to be ea+( on )aggie1 6+ pi++ed o// a+ 3 ,a+ at her /launting thi+ gu( under m( no+e4 3 ,ould ne2er not be there /or her1 3/ +he +u//ered4 then 35d +u//ered along ,ith her1

Chapter 9
)aggie 3 +tood /or +e2eral minute+ ,ith m( arm+ ,rapped around m(+el/4 debating ,hat 3 +hould +a(4 but =erem( +hot up /rom the +tool4 and he ,a+ angr(1 @*o4 ,aitI 7our ne, bo(/riend o/4 ,hat-a /e, month+-.no,+ the big +ecretEA -hen he turned hi+ anger to,ard >u.e1 @6nd (ou4 (ou .no, tooEA >u.e nodded (e+1 =erem( +tared him do,n /or +e2eral +econd+ ,ith /ur( in hi+ e(e+ that 35d ne2er +een on him be/ore1 @3t ,a+ in hi+ letter1 ?on5t be mad at him1 3 a+.ed him not to tell (ou4A 3 :uic.l( inter0ected to +top him /rom doing an(thing ra+h1 =erem( +tood +tone-+till ,atching me4 then >u.e4 then me again1 6nd 3 could tell he /elt betra(ed1 -hi+ ,ent on /or a /e, heartbrea.ing moment+ until >u.e +tepped be+ide me1 Fe re+ted hi+ arm o2er m( +houlder4 and nudged me to,ard =erem(1 @3t5+ time4 Blue1 -ell him4A he ,hi+pered in m( ear1 3 /linched at hi+ term o/ endearment1 -ear+ +tarted to /lo, a+ 3 +tared into =erem(5+ e(e+1 @3 don5t .no, ho, to1A 3 ,a+n5t +ure i/ it ,a+ being caught up in >u.e5+ +pecial name /or me4 or becau+e 3 had to /inall( tell m( brother the truth about hi+ /ather1 =erem( inched /or,ard until he +tood in /ront o/ me1 @3+ it that badEA 3 nodded a +econd later1 >u.e ma++aged m( +houlder+1 @3t5+ o.a(4 )ag+1 35m here i/ (ou need me1A Fe ,a+ being +o +,eet and lo(al1 3 didn5t de+er2e him1 But 3 too. it1 3/ he onl( .ne, the real rea+on ,h( 3 le/t4 3 don5t thin. he5d be +o /orgi2ing1 But4 3 couldn5t ta.e cau+ing him an( more pain4 +o 3 decided again+t it1 -hat ,a+ a pain 3 planned to ta.e to the gra2e1 9hat good ,ould it do telling him no,E 3 +at do,n on the .itchen +toolB the t,o o/ them /ollo,ed +uit1 @3t5+ about ?ad1A =erem(5+ e(e+ /litted o2er mine4 then to >u.e5+ brie/l( be/ore coming bac. to mine1 @9hat about ?adEA 3 +,allo,ed hard4 blin.ing bac. tear+1 >u.e grabbed a 'leenex and handed it to me1 @Fe ,a+n5t ,hat (ou thought1A @9hatE >i.e he ,a+n5t our real dad or +omethingEA 3 +hoo. m( head4 unable to +pea.1 3 glanced next to me4 to >u.e ,ho nodded +lightl(4 urging me to .eep going4 but 3 couldn5t1 6/ter a /e, :uiet moment+4 >u.e grabbed m( hand+1 @?o (ou ,ant me to tell him4 )aggieEA 3 bit do,n on m( lip4 ta+ting the +alt /rom m( tear+1 3 ,anted to collap+e on the /loor .no,ing that =erem(5+ ,orld ,a+ about to change ,ith the truth1 >u.e ga2e me one :uic. pain/ul loo.4 ble, out a huge breath and turned hi+ e(e+ to

=erem(1 @7our dad hurt her4 =er1 *he didn5t ,ant (ou to .no, that he did thing+ to her1 Cn+pea.able thing+1A Fe peered bac. at me4 but 3 couldn5t /ace =erem(4 +o 3 placed m( hand+ o2er m( e(e+4 cr(ing into them1 3 heard the chair +crape the /loor1 @9hat are (ou tal.ing aboutEA Fe came o2er to me and .neeled1 @)aggie4 i+ that trueE ?id ?ad hurt (ouEA 3 +till couldn5t chance +eeing hi+ expre++ion4 +o 3 +lightl( nodded m( head1 @6re (ou +ureE 3 mean111?adE 6re (ou po+iti2eEA 3 could hear >u.e +igh hea2il( next to me1 @)aggie4 (ou need to tal. to him1 3 don5t .no, e2er(thing4 Blue1A =erem( pulled m( hand+ a,a( /rom m( /ace4 /orcing me to /ace him1 3 tried to turn a,a(4 but he grabbed m( chin1 3 +a, +o man( emotion+ on hi+ /aceM hurt4 di+belie/4 +adne++4 anger1 @9hat did he doEA @3 can5t4 =er1 Plea+e don5t ma.e me1 3t5+ not +omething 3 li.e to reha+h4 o.a(E 3t ,a+ bad4 and 3 didn5t ,ant (ou to hate him1 -ru+t me4 3 ha2e enough hate /or both o/ u+1A @<h m( GodI -hat /uc.ing pric.1 9h( didn5t (ou tell meEA he (elled4 0umping up1 @3 ,ould ha2e .illed him i/ 3 .ne, he ,a+ touching (ou4 hurting (ou1 9h( the /uc. did (ou .eep thi+ +ecretEA Fe +tarted to pace4 but then turned on >u.e1 @?id (ou .no, the ,hole timeE ?id (ouEA he +creamed1 >u.e +hoo. hi+ head /orce/ull(1 @No4 man1 3 didn5t .no, bac. then1 3 /ound out ,hen +he le/t1 3t ,a+ all in the note1 3 didn5t thin. it ,a+ m( right to tell (ou1 3t ,a+n5t m( +ecret1A @But4 ho, could (ou ha2e not +earched /or herE ?idn5t it hurt (ouE Chri+t4 i/ he ,eren5t dead4 35d .ill him right no,1A 3 +omeho, /ound the +trength to +tand up and go to him1 @-hat5+ ,h( 3 didn5t tell (ou1 3 .ne, one o/ (ou ,ould /lip4 and ma(be do +omething (ou5d pa( /or /or the re+t o/ (our li/e1 Fe ,a+n5t ,orth it1A >u.e placed hi+ hand on =erem(5+ +houlder1 @7ou .no, ho, much it hurt me ,hen +he le/t1 7ou +a, me1 ?on5t e2er thin. her lea2ing didn5t hurt me4A >u.e +aid1 Fe turned to me4 /ace pained1 @35m +orr( that (ou had to hear that again4 but it5+ the truth1 3 .no, ,hat (ou ,ent through ,a+ horrible1 3 0u+t ,i+h 3 could52e protected (ou1A Fe .i++ed the tip o/ m( no+e1 @7ou t,o need to tal.1 -al. to him4 Blue1A 9ith that4 >u.e turned4 grabbed hi+ .e(+4 and too. o//1 9e /ollo,ed him ,ith our e(e+4 /linching ,hen the door +lammed behind him1

Chapter 10
>u.e -here ,a+ no ,a( in hell 3 could +ta( in there and ,atch the tear+ /all /rom her e(e+1 3t hurt too damn much1 3 ,anted to be +trong and be there /or her4 but in the end4 3 ,a+n5t man enough to +tic. around /or the tear+1 3 bet that a++hole )ax ,ould52e +ta(ed1 =u+t thin.ing about it almo+t had m( car turning bac.4 but 3 .ept dri2ing the oppo+ite ,a(1 6 hal/ hour later4 3 ended up at thi+ hole in the ,all ,e go to ,hen ,e don5t ,ant to deal ,ith an( girl+4 the .ind o/ place chic.+ don5t li.e1 3t de/initel( +a, it+ /air +hare o/ +eed( character+1 3t ,a+ almo+t pitch blac. in+ide4 a /e, little ,indo,+ allo,ing +ome light to /ilter through1 3t5+ not .no,n /or it+ ambiance1 3t5+ .no,n /or getting +hit-/aced drun. and no one gi2ing a damn ho, the hell (ou5re getting home1 -hree hour+ later4 calling out o/ ,or.4 and a/ter 3 lo+t count o/ ho, man( drin.+4 ?ean +ho,ed up4 +,iping m( .e(+ /rom the bar4 placing them into hi+ poc.et1

@3 had a /eeling 35d /ind (ou here1A 3n realit( it ,a+n5t the greate+t place to hide out1 ?ean and =er .ne, all m( hiding place+ a/ter )aggie le/t1 <nce m( /amil( le/t me too4 3 practicall( li2ed here /or t,o ,ee.+ +traight1 3/ the( didn5t come to ta.e me home e2er( night4 3 ,a+ prett( +ure )arge4 the bartenderPo,ner4 ,ould52e 0u+t +ho2ed me out the door at clo+ing time1 @*he too. o// ,ith )ax /or the re+t o/ the ,ee.end1A 3 chugged the re+t o/ m( beer1 @9here5d the( goEA @3 don5t .no,1 )r1 'night 3n *hining 6rmor +ho,ed up a/ter +he and =erem( tal.ed e2er(thing out1 Fe thought it ,ould be be+t /or them to get a room at a hotel rather than hang ,ith u+4 3 gue++1A @Good1A 3 held m( hand up /or another1 )arge brought o2er t,o more beer+4 placing them in /ront o/ u+1 @*o4 i+ thi+ ho, it5+ going to be againEA ?ean a+.ed1 3 grumbled1 @No1 3 0u+t couldn5t deal ,ith +eeing her li.e that1A @>i.e ,hatEA @3 don5t .no,4 man1 *o expo+ed4 3 gue++1A @=er i+n5t ta.ing it ,ell1 Fe ,anted to come /ind (ou4 but 3 ,ouldn5t let him1 Fe5+ probabl( had more than (ou to drin. toda(1A @?id he tell (ouEA @7eah4 man4 he did4 and it +uc.+ that +he ,ent through that1 7ou .no, 3 lo2e her li.e a little +i+ter1A @7eah4 3 .no,1 *ometime+ 3 ,i+h 3 loo.ed at her li.e that-li.e a +i+ter1A 3 too. a hea2( +,ig4 and then turned to ?ean1 @35m +till in lo2e ,ith her4A 3 admitted1 Fe nodded in under+tanding1 9e both +at in +ilence4 drin.ing our beer+1 Finall(4 ?ean patted m( +houlder4 @7ou need to be there /or her1A 3 harrumphed1 @3 hate m(+el/ /or not .no,ing bac. then1 9hen 3 thin. about all the time+ +he5d /linch ,hen her dad ,al.ed in the room4 or ho, +he ten+ed up-3 +till can5t belie2e 3 didn5t pic. up on an(thing1 3 couldn5t help her1 3 couldn5t /ix it1A @Fix her no,4 >u.e1 =u+t ta.e (our time ,ith her and let it happen1A 3 nodded4 ta.ing in e2er(thing he5d +aid1 Fe +miled1 @>et5+ go chec. on =er no,1A 3 +tumbled o// the bar+tool a/ter pa(ing m( tab1 ?ean handed me m( .e(+1 @9e5ll come bac. tomorro, /or it1A -he next a/ternoon4 ,e ,ent bac. /or m( car4 a/ter the -(lenol /inall( .ic.ed in and 3 ,a+ able to get out o/ bed1 9or. that night too. m( mind o// )aggie1 *ome,hat1 3mage+ o/ the t,o o/ them huddled up in +ome damn hotel room ,hile he had hi+ ,a( ,ith her .ept /inding their ,a( in1 35d ne2er +cre,ed up +o man( drin. order+ in m( li/e1 -he +hot girl ,ho 3 li.ed to get together ,ith ,hen 3 needed to /orget ho, much m( li/e +uc.ed ,a+ ,or.ing tonight1 -hat ,a+ a bonu+1 6nd 3 /igured4 /uc. it1 3/ )aggie had no problem running o// ,ith +ome gu(4 ,h( +hould 3 /eel guilt(E *he +ure a+ hell ,a+n5t1 3/ +he ,anted to be heartle++4 +o could 31 <nce 35d made m( deci+ion it ,a+ /inal1 3 hated running into +omeone el+e5+ arm+4 but 3 ,ould not let )aggie ta.e me do,n again1 *amantha ran her /inger+ do,n m( /ace a+ 3 leaned o2er the bar to hand o// her +hot+1 @)( roommate+ are out /or the night1 7ou ,ant to come o2erEA +he a+.ed leaning in to bite m( lip1 3 groaned1 @7ou bet1 35ll be o2er ,hen 3 get o//1A *he al,a(+ got o// earlier than 3 did4 +o 3 hated to

ma.e her +tic. around1 -he ,hole night 3 ,a+ pumped about getting laid4 .eeping m( mind o// )aggie1 -he old me ,a+ coming bac.1 But b( clo+ing time4 *am had been gone /or t,o hour+4 and 3 had time to thin. about it1 6nd 3 didn5t ,ant *am4 3 ,anted )aggie1 35d al,a(+ ,anted )aggie1 3n+tead o/ going o// to ha2e cra%(4 ,ild4 *amantha +ex4 becau+e that5+ ho, good +he ,a+4 3 ,ent home li.e an a++hole to an empt( bed1 3 gue++ 3 ,a+n5t +o heartle++ a/ter all1

Chapter 11
)aggie )ax dropped me o// earl( )onda( +o he could catch hi+ /light bac. to Ne, 7or.1 3t +till +hoc.ed me that he ,a+ e2en able to +pend the ,ee.end4 ta.ing time o// /rom ,or. to do +o1 Cn/ortunatel(4 3 ,a+ a /ra%%led me++ the ,hole time4 .no,ing ho, thi+ might a//ect >u.e1 )ax pic.ed up on it but ne2er pu+hed me /or an( an+,er+ ,h( 3 ,a+ being +o timid and di+connected1 Ner2ou+l(4 3 +tuc. m( .e( in the /ront door4 un+ure o/ ,hat to expect1 9hen 3 ,al.ed in4 3 ,a+ /aced ,ith pile+ o/ empt( pi%%a boxe+4 beer bottle+4 and dirt( clothe+1 3 +ighed hea2il(4 ,ondering ,hat the(5d been up to1 Be/ore 3 e2en thought about an(thing el+e4 3 +et m( o2ernight bag do,n on the couch and began to clean up1 35d onl( been here t,o ,ee.+4 and i/ thi+ i+ ,hat it ,a+ li.e ,hen 3 ,a+n5t here /or one ,ee.end4 3 could onl( imagine ,hat the la+t t,o (ear+ had been li.e1 @7ou don5t ha2e to do that4A hi+ 2oice boomed /rom behind me1 *lo,l(4 3 turned to +ee >u.e +taring at me /rom the bathroom1 3 +hoo. him o//1 @3t5+ o.a(1 3 ,ant to help1A @?id (ou ha2e a good ,ee.end ,ith )ar.EA he a+.ed +arca+ticall(1 3 rolled m( e(e+ at hi+ ob2iou+ /umble in name+1 @3t5+ )ax1A @Jight4 )ax1 ?id (ou t,o ha2e a good ,ee.endEA he a+.ed4 again4 more contempt laced in hi+ 2oice1 @7eah4 it ,a+ /ine1 -han.+4A 3 an+,ered hone+tl(4 e2en though 3 /elt li.e crap1 3 pic.ed up a /e, more bottle+ and placed them in the rec(cling4 tr(ing to /igure out ,hat >u.e ,a+ doing1 Fe hadn5t mo2ed (et-he 0u+t +tood there in hi+ boxer+4 +taring at me1 -hat5+ ,hen 3 noticed the tattoo1 3 /orced m(+el/ to loo. a,a(4 to pretend 3 didn5t notice hi+ tribute to me1 6nd 3 could tell that he .ne, that 3 +a, it1 @?id he lea2eEA @7eah1A Fe +ighed4 but +miled1 @Good1 >et5+ go do +omething toda(4 thenEA 3 couldn5t +a( no to him4 and he .ne, it1 Fe al,a(+ had a ,eird pull on me that dragged me in until 3 couldn5t do an(thing but /ollo,1 3 .ne, that )ax being here thi+ ,ee.end up+et him1 6nd 3 ,a+ +o tired o/ hurting him1 @*ure1 9hat do (ou ,ant to doEA @6n(thing1 )o2ie+4 ,al. through to,n4 eat111(our choice1A Fi+ +pirit pic.ed up +lightl( once 3 agreed1 6ll o/ hi+ +ugge+tion+ ,ere thing+ ,e u+ed to do a+ a couple1 9e ,ould ,al. through to,n4 grab +ome pi%%a4 hop into a theatre to catch the late+t /lic.4 but no, him a+.ing me to do tho+e thing+ /elt ,rong1 Not in the +en+e that it ,a+n5t a +,eet idea to ,al. do,n memor( lane4 it 0u+t made me /eel ner2ou+ to do tho+e thing ,ith him4 and not con+ider ho, )ax ,ould /eel i/ he .ne,1 )ax and 3 +hared one good night ,hile he ,a+ here1 3 /irml( +tood m( ground in the bathroom mirror and made a 2o, to not let >u.e a//ect )ax5+ ,ee.end1 3 hated lea2ing =erem( ,ith +o man( :ue+tion+4 but 3 could tell that )ax being here ,a+ not appreciated4 and 3 couldn5t

0u+t +end him pac.ing1 Fe de+er2ed better1 @Fo, about ,e grab +ome /ood1 3 ha2e a ton o/ laundr( to do1A @*ure1A Fe +hrugged1 @No problem1 Can ,e go earl(E 3 ha2e to ,or. tonight1A @7eah4 35ll come /ind (ou in a /e, hour+1A Fe opened hi+ mouth to +a( +omething4 but in+tead4 he 0u+t nodded be/ore +lipping bac. into hi+ room1 3 +at do,n4 dropping m( head into m( hand+1 3t ,a+ +o hard to +ee him +ometime+ and not ,onder ,hat could ha2e been1 >u.e ,a+ e2er(thing that 35d al,a(+ ,anted4 and no, it ,a+ gone1 35d lo+t him1 3 did thi+1 3 needed to /ind m( ,a( bac. to him a+ a /riend1 Fe ,a+ /ore2er m( roc.4 letting me lean on him m( entire li/e4 and 3 couldn5t /orget that1 6/ter /ini+hing m( laundr( in the apartment5+ mini >aundromat4 3 ,or.ed m( ,a( bac. into a loud apartment1 -he +ound o/ one o/ =erem(5+ /a2orite band+4 *ublime4 pul+ated the +pace1 3 +miled4 remembering ho, he5d al,a(+ pla( the mu+ic too loud ,hen ,e ,ere (ounger4 and ho, our mom ,ould +cream o2er it to get him to turn it do,n1 Fe5d +mile bac. at me4 then cran. it up a notch to pi++ her o// e2en more1 3t5d been a /e, hour+ later ,hen >u.e came out o/ hi+ room dre++ed /or ,or.1 3 glanced at m( ,atch4 thin.ing 3 ,a+ running more behind than 3 thought4 but it ,a+ +till earl(1 @7ou read(EA he a+.ed ,ith a +mall bit o/ excitement1 @9hat time do (ou ha2e to ,or.EA @Not until /i2e1 3t gi2e+ u+ three hour+1A 9hen he an+,ered4 3 mu+t52e +eemed con/u+ed4 becau+e he +idled up next to me1 @9hatEA @9ell4 ,h( are (ou dre++ed /or ,or. alread(EA Not that he didn5t loo. good in hi+ blac. trou+er+ and ,hite button-up +hirt1 Fe5d le/t a /e, button+ undone4 +o (ou could +ee hi+ che+t hair pee.ing out1 @3 thought about coming bac. to change4 but then 3 didn5t ,ant to ,a+te an( time ,e ha2e together1A Fe +hrugged li.e it ,a+ no big deal4 but to me4 it ,a+ an ob2iou+ admi++ion o/ hi+ /eeling+1 6+ he pulled m( arm around hi+ ,ai+t leading me out the /ront door4 3 he+itated1 @>u.e1A Fe coc.ed hi+ head to /ace me1 @7eahEA @-hi+ i+n5t a date1 7ou .no, that4 rightEA Fi+ e(ebro,+ /urro,ed4 a +mall /ro,n pulling hi+ lip+ do,n4 but then he laughed1 @3 .no,4 )ag+1 7ou5re ,ith )ax1 3 got it4 but can5t t,o /riend+ go out /or +ome /oodEA @7eah4 but111A 3 loo.ed at ho, ,e ,ere +tanding1 Fo, he had hi+ arm draped o2er m( +houlder+1 Fe +hoo. hi+ head in di+belie/4 but untangled u+1 @&2en ,hen ,e ,ere /riend+4 (ou ne2er had a problem ,ith the ,a( 3 touched (ou1A @3 +till don5t4A 3 lied1 Fi+ arm+ around me brought bac. +o man( memorie+1 )emorie+ that had haunted me /or the la+t t,o (ear+1 3t ,a+n5t until )ax came along and ,e gre, clo+er that +ome o/ tho+e memorie+ didn5t /eel :uite +o pain/ul1 3 didn5t ,ant to +a( 3 /ound lo2e again4 becau+e 3 ,a+n5t +ure ,hat )ax ,a+ to me (et1 3 .ne, hi+ /eeling+ ,ere +tronger than mine4 but at the +ame time4 3 didn5t ,ant to gi2e up on him4 either1 9e ended up at a little hon.(-ton. that had the be+t ,ing+ in to,n1 6 place ,here ,e u+ed to u+e our /a.e 3?+ 0u+t to eat here1 >u.e ordered t,o beer+ and t,o do%en ,ing+ a/ter ,e +at1 @*o4 tell me +omething ,ould (ouEA -he girl brought o2er our beer+1 3 too. a +ip1 @*ure1A @9h( did (ou reall( lea2eEA 3 gagged on m( beer4 coughing and +pe,ing at hi+ :ue+tion1 @3 alread( told (ou1A

@7eah4 (ou did1 But 3 got to thin.ing4 )aggie1 3 .no, that ,hat happened to (ou mu+t52e been horrible4 and ma(be 35m ,rong4 and i/ 3 am4 35m apologi%ing no, /or being an a++hole1A 3 +,allo,ed4 ,aiting /or him to /ini+h hi+ :ue+tion1 @3 0u+t don5t +ee (ou lea2ing /or that rea+on onl(1 3 lo2ed (ou4 and 3 .no, (ou lo2ed me4 +o 3 can5t ,rap m( head around (ou bolting ,hen (ou could52e 0u+t mo2ed in ,ith me and =er i/ (ou needed to get a,a( /rom him1A CrapI @9here ,a+ 3 going to li2e4 >u.eE 3n (our /rat hou+e ,ith (ou and t,ent(-/i2e other gu(+EA Fe +ipped hi+ beer but didn5t ta.e hi+ e(e+ o// o/ me1 @3 ,ould52e /igured +omething out1 7ou .no, that1A @3 .no, (ou ,ould52e4 but that5+ not ,hat 3 ,anted1 3 am +o +orr( /or hurting (ou4 >u.e1 6nd 3 did lo2e (ou1 3 do1 3 0u+t didn5t .no, ,hat to do at the time1 3 ,a+ (oung and 3 ,a+ +o +cared1A Fe placed hi+ beer do,n4 turning a,a( /rom me momentaril(1 @7ou +till lo2e meEA 3 +hould ha2e .no,n that ,a+ the onl( thing he heard1 @</ cour+e1 35ll al,a(+ lo2e (ou4 >u.e1 But right no,4 the ,a( thing+ are111A 3 clo+ed mine too /or a beat1 @3 can5t do thi+1 Can ,e plea+e change the +ub0ectEA Fe loc.ed e(e+ ,ith me /or +e2eral +econd+4 and 3 could tell he ,anted to pu+h me /urther4 but in+tead he 0u+t +aid4 @*ure1A -hen4 a+ an a/terthought4 he glared at me1 @<ne phone call ,ould ha2e been nice though1A 3 didn5t an+,er him1 Fe ,a+ right1 3 +hould52e at lea+t let them .no, 3 ,a+ all right1 -hat 3 ,a+ ali2e1 3 did tell him +o man( time+ in m( letter+1 Fe 0u+t ne2er got them1 3 had oodle+ and oodle+ o/ letter+ ,ritten to him4 all +ealed in en2elope+ ,aiting to be mailed1 6nd ne2er +ent1 3 +till had e2er( +ingle one ,rapped in a rubber band hiding in m( room1 @Fa2e (ou /igured out ,hat (ou5re doing about +choolEA he a+.ed1 @3 thin.1 352e been loo.ing into /ini+hing up the la+t /e, cour+e+ to get m( a++ociate+1 -hen 35ll /ocu+ on getting into coo.ing +chool1 3/ 3 get a decent 0ob4 and can +a2e +ome more mone(1 3/ 3 can5t +a2e enough4 3 gue++ 35ll ta.e a +tudent loan or +omething1 352e +et a deadline1 35m t,ent( t,o no, +o4 35ll gi2e m(+el/ until 25 to brea. do,n and ta.e out a loan1A Fe nodded1 @GoodI 3/ an(thing come+ out o/ thi+4 3 ,ant (ou to get (our dream4 )ag+1 352e al,a(+ ,anted that /or (ou1 35ll help (ou an(,a( 3 can1A 3 +miled1 @-han.+1 9hat about (ouE 7ou5re t,ent( t,o and tending bar1 9hat happenedEA Fe leaned bac.4 grinning1 @3t5+ not /ore2er1 3 had a great intern+hip lined up a/ter +chool at )organ *tanle(1 >i/e happened and 3 lo+t it1 But4 3 ha2e +ome thing+ up m( +lee2e1 35ll get it to it ,hen 35m read(1 3 /igure 3 ha2e +ome time to /uc. around be/ore doing the ,hole none to /i2e +hit1A Fe +hoo. hi+ head1 @9hatEA @7ou ha2e no idea ho, good thi+ /eel+ to me to +it acro++ /rom (ou1 3t5+ ta.ing e2er(thing in me not to pic. (ou up4 ta.e (ou home and /igure our +hit out1A 3 +tared ,ithout a ,ord1 3 mean reall( ,hat could 3 +a( to thatE 6/ter plo,ing through ,ing+ and t,o beer+4 m( phone rang1 3 pee.ed at the caller 31?1 to +ee that it ,a+ )ax1 Fe mu+t52e gotten home1 3 +miled1 @Can (ou excu+e me /or a minuteEA 3 +aid to >u.e4 turning in m( chair1 @Fe(4 +o (ou landedEA 3 +aid in a mu//led 2oice4 tr(ing to hide ,ho 3 ,a+ tal.ing to1

@3 did a ,hile ago1 3 ha2e to +a( it5+ a cra%(-ea+( /light to manage1 But4 3 al+o ha2e to +a( that 3 mi++ (ou alread(1 Ne, 7or. i+n5t the +ame ,ithout (ou1 3 ,i+h (ou ,ere here1A @7eah4 me too1A 3 pee.ed o2er m( +houlder to notice >u.e rolling hi+ e(e+4 pretending to be intere+ted in hi+ phone1 @Cm4 )ax4 can 3 call (ou laterE 35m out ,ith a /riend catching up1A @<h4 o.a(1 7eah4 call me be/ore (ou go to +leep1A @9ill do1 B(e1A 3 pre++ed the end button1 >u.e didn5t loo. at me4 and 3 could tell he ,a+n5t happ( ,ith )ax calling and interrupting our time together1 @7ou read( to go4 frien E 3 gotta chec. in earl( at ,or.1 -he( texted me a little ,hile ago1A Fe5d alread( +tood1 3 +ighed at him thro,ing the ,ord /riend bac. in m( /ace1 @7eah4 let5+ go1A 9ell4 that ,ent ,ell1

Chapter 12
>u.e 3 ,a+ /uriou+ that )aggie too. hi+ call1 6ll 3 ,anted ,a+ a /e, mea+l( hour+ alone to get +ome an+,er+4 and +he lit up li.e a damn lightbulb ,hen +he +a, it ,a+ him calling1 *he ,a+ +till +tic.ing to her original +tor( about ,h( +he le/t4 but 3 ,a+n5t bu(ing it1 3 .ne, her too ,ell1 35m .ind o/ +urpri+ed =erem( bought it1 6t /ir+t 3 did1 Fo, could 3 notE But o2er the la+t t,o (ear+4 35d gone bac. to that letter and 3 +,ore 3 ,a+ mi++ing +ome piece o/ the pu%%le1 3t 0u+t ,a+n5t li.e her1 3t ,a+n5t )aggie1 *he al,a(+ came to me ,hen +he had a problem1 9h( didn5t +he thenE 3t ,a+ almo+t clo+ing time4 and 35d alread( thro,n bac. +e2eral +hot+ ,hen nobod( ,a+ loo.ing1 *amantha ,a+ ,aiting on a +tool4 ,hi+pering to t,o o/ her /riend+ them4 and +ince the( .ept chec.ing me out and giggling4 3 +u+pected that it had +omething to do ,ith me1 *am ,a+ one o/ tho+e girl+ (ou had /un ,ith4 and +he didn5t mind it being 0u+t about that1 *he ,a+ +ex( a+ hell1 *he ,ore her +hort blond hair +pi.ed up +lightl(1 *he had big bro,n e(e+4 a roc.in5 bod(4 and a mermaid tattoo that ran do,n the entire +ide o/ her ,ai+t and ,rapped around to the bac. o/ her a++1 3 ,a+ ,iping do,n the bar one /inal time a/ter loc.ing up +ome o/ the li:uor1 *he leaned /or,ard4 her clea2age /ront and center1 @7ou up /or +ome compan( tonightE <r are (ou gonna bail againEA 3 grinned at her4 .no,ing that thi+ ,a+ coming1 3 poured t,o :uic. +hot+ o/ te:uila4 loc.ed it up ,ith the re+t o/ the boo%e4 and handed one o// to her1 @35m up /or an(thing tonight4 +,eetheart1A 3 .ne, 3 couldn5t ta.e her bac. to m( place4 +o ,e opted /or her cramped little apartment +he +hared ,ith three girl+1 3 didn5t gi2e a +hit ,hat the( heard or +a,1 Not tonight1 3 needed to get laid no, to get )aggie out o/ m( head4 e2en i/ it ,a+ onl( /or /i2e minute+1 3 0u+t ,anted to /orget e2er(thing1 &+peciall(4 /uc.ing )ax1 *amantha li2ed a /e, bloc.+ /rom the bar4 on the other +ide o/ a +mall par.4 ,hich made it con2enient1 *he couldn5t .eep her hand+ o// o/ me4 e2en ,ith her /riend+ trailing behind u+4 giggling1 ?itching them ,a+ the onl( thing 3 could thin. o/ to get her alone1 3 pu+hed her up again+t a tree4 letting m( hand+ roam up her +hirt4 cupping both her tit+1 Fer hand reached into m( pant+4 tr(ing to gain acce++ a+ her /riend+ pa++ed u+ b(4 +till laughing1 )a(be thi+ made me the ,orld5+ bigge+t a++hole4 but 3 couldn5t care le++ right no,1 3 didn5t care1 3 needed thi+1 *he ,a+ .i++ing me /ranticall(4 her tongue +lipping in and out4 biting /ir+t m( lip4 then m( ear4 until +he ,or.ed her ,a( do,n to m( +tomach1 *he un%ipped m( pant+4 tugging them do,n to m( an.le+1 9ith her one hand +he +tro.ed me /or a minute4 then dropped to the

ground to ,rap her plump lip+ around me1 3 grabbed hold o/ her hair4 /orcing her to ta.e all o/ me at once1 *he didn5t /linch1 *he .ept going4 moaning a+ +he did1 )( head roc.ed bac. 0u+t a+ 3 ,a+ about to blo,1 *he +,allo,ed e2er( mor+el4 lic.ing the remain+ o//4 and ,iped her mouth o// ,ith her hand1 6 total pro1 @)( turn4A +he +aid1 *amantha ,a+ al,a(+ bra2e1 *he ne2er ga2e a +hit i/ +omeone ,al.ed in on u+4 or e2en 0oined u+1 *he e2en a+.ed me once i/ 35d mind1 6t the time4 3 didn5t1 3t ,a+ a 2er( good night1 *o4 it didn5t come a+ a +hoc. to +ee her +pra,led out on the gra++ in the par.4 hi.ing her dre++ abo2e her ,ai+t1 @9hat do (ou ,antEA 3 a+.ed her4 +o there ,a+ no mi+communication bet,een u+1 @7ou1 No,1A 3 pulled a condom /rom m( ,allet4 biting o// the /oil corner1 *amantha reached o2er and too. control4 +tro.ing me /or +e2eral minute+ to get me hard again be/ore rolling the condom on1 3 ,a+ in+ide o/ her in +econd+4 roc.ing into her1 Fer crie+ rang out loudl( a+ 3 plo,ed into her4 pumping harder and harder each time tr(ing to get )aggie out o/ m( +(+tem1 9hen *amantha /inall( unra2eled4 3 came a /e, +econd+ later4 /alling onto her1 3t ,a+n5t the mo+t romantic +ex4 but *amantha ,a+ ne2er about the romance1 -hat ,a+ +omething 3 re+er2ed /or onl( )aggie1 3 hadn5t made lo2e to a +ingle girl +ince +he5d le/t me1 3 had a lot o/ +ex4 but ne2er once did 3 bring lo2e or romance into it1 *amantha ,or.ed /or me1 *he didn5t ,ant a relation+hip an(more than 3 did1 &2en though ,e5d both gotten ,hat ,e ,anted out o/ tonight4 3 couldn5t bring m(+el/ to go home and /ace )aggie1 Not (et1 3 .ne, the guilt that ,ould eat me ali2e4 the /eeling o/ betra(ing her e2en though 3 hadn5t1 -he loo. on her /ace ,hen +he reali%ed 3 ,a+ ,ith +omeone el+e1 3 .i++ed *am once be/ore rolling o//1 @Can 3 +ta( ,ith (ou tonightEA *he hu//ed out a breath4 +hrugging1 @7eah4 +ure1 3 gue++1A 3 reall( didn5t ,ant to4 but +ometime+ (ou don5t li.e the thing+ (ou ha2e to do /or lo2e1 -hi+ ,a+ one o/ them1 3 ,anted to pi++ o// )aggie /or ruining our time together4 and dating that a++hole1 3/ +he ,a+ going to be gi2ing up her bod( to him4 then 3 ,a+ pla(ing that game too1 3 /elt li.e a pric.4 and (eah4 it ,a+ childi+h4 but +o ,a+ her running a,a(1 -he next morning 3 +trolled in to /ind )aggie +itting on the couch ,atching tele2i+ion4 eating a bo,l o/ cereal1 *he glanced up4 and too. notice o/ m( ,or. clothe+ /rom the pre2iou+ night1 *he rolled her e(e+4 but didn5t +a( an(thing1 -hat +tung1 @Fe(4 )ag+1 Fo, ,a+ (our nightE 7ou tal. to )ar. againEA *he +tood to place her bo,l in the +in.4 but 3 +tepped in /ront to bloc. her1 @>u.e4 .noc. it o//1 Fi+ name i+ )ax and (ou .no, it4A +he hu//ed4 +crunching her no+e at me1 @7ou +mell li.e +hit1A 3 let her ,al. around me thi+ time4 becau+e e2en though 3 ,a+ /ull( a,are that 3 ,a+ acting li.e an immature pric.1 3 didn5t care1 3 hated m(+el/ /or it1 )aggie opened the /ridge4 +earching /or +omething be/ore bending o2er1 -he bottom o/ her cute a++ pee.ed out /rom underneath her tin( +,eat +hort+1 3t ,a+ all 3 could do to re+train m(+el/1 3 bit do,n on the +.in bet,een m( thumb and index /inger4 tr(ing to +top m(+el/ /rom +a(ing +omething regrettable or /rom thro,ing her up again+t the /ridge1 Fer hip+ +hi/ted4 then +he +tood up4 turning to me1 @*o4 ,here ,ere (ou all nightEA 3n+tead o/ gi2ing her the +ordid detail+ o/ m( roll in the par. ,ith *am4 3 an+,ered4 @<ut1A

*he placed her hand+ on her hip+4 all pi++(1 6ll 3 could thin.-there +he i+1 -here5+ m( )aggie1 @<b2iou+l(1 Fo, ,a+ ,or.EA @9or. ,a+ ,or.4 )aggie1 3/ (ou5ll excu+e me4 35m tired1 3 didn5t +leep much la+t night1A 3 ,in.ed1 >et her +te, o2er that /or a ,hile1 -ruth ,a+4 3 ,a+ tired1 &2en though *amantha and 3 didn5t do an(thing more4 +he .ept me up until a/ter /our tal.ing1 3 hauled m( a++ out o/ there be/ore +he e2en ,o.e up1 35d ne2er a+.ed to +pend the night be/ore4 and 3 +ure a+ +hit hoped +he didn5t get an( ,rong idea+ o2er m( unu+ual4 but one- time onl( re:ue+t1 3 /elt guilt( enough being ,ith +omeone other than )aggie1 &2en though 3 had no rea+on to be1 =erem( ,a+ /a+t a+leep on hi+ +ide o/ the room ,hen 3 popped the Danax1 3 probabl( didn5t e2en need them an(more4 but 3 ,a+ a/raid to +top ta.ing them1 -he time+ that 3 had4 35d dreamt about m( parent+4 or m( +i+ter4 their mangled car1 -he idea o/ them +creaming in pain4 the blood4 Phoebe5+ pale +.in1 &2en the da(+ 3 lo+t ,ith )aggie haunted me more than 3 cared to admit1 3 hated ,a.ing up to remember m( ,hole li/e ,a+ gone4 reali%ing ho, hollo, 3 /elt1 7eah4 3 ,a+ +till here4 but ,hat good ,a+ 3 reall( doingE 3 ,or.ed at a bar1 3 had a bachelor5+ degree in /inance4 and ,a+ +till unable to /ind a 0ob that 3 /elt li2ed up to ,hat 3 ,anted out o/ li/e1 Be+ide+4 mone( ,a+n5t an i++ue1 3 had plent( no,1 35d gi2e it all bac. i/ it meant *unda( dinner+ and ,ee.-long 2i+it+ in the +ummer to Filton Fead1 -hat ,a+ the one thing m( /ather made +ure o/ ,hen ,e ,ere gro,ing up--a proper +ummer 2acation1 9e5d +pend one ,ee. e2er( +ummer in *outh Carolina1 <nce ,e +,itched it up to head to a la.e in 9i+con+in4 but it ,a+n5t the +ame1 GGG 6 ,ee. later4 35d 0u+t ,al.ed through the door ,hen an aroma hit m( no+e4 ma.ing me +ali2ate1 )aggie ,a+ ,earing an apron4 +tirring a large pot1 3 had to +top mo2ing a+ a memor( +lammed into me +o hard 3 almo+t /ell /lat on m( a++1 )( +e2enteenth birthda(1 *he5d begged me to +ta( /or dinner to ta+te +omething +he5d made /or me1 6nd .no,ing m( parent+ ,ere out o/ to,n /or the ,ee.end ,ith m( little +i+ter4 +he probabl( /elt obligated to ta.e care o/ me1 3t ,a+ /unn(-,hene2er 3 +ta(ed o2ernight4 that little girl ,a+ al,a(+ the one ,ho too. care o/ me1 )( parent+ didn5t ,ant to lea2e me alone in the hou+e /or /ear 35d bring a girl home or ha2e +ome cra%(-a++-out-o/-hand-part(4 +o 35d +ta( at the Collin+51 @<h4 he(4 (ou5re bac.1 3 made dinner and homemade chocolate ca.e1A )aggie loo.ed behind me1 @9here are the gu(+EA @=er had to ,or.1 6nd ?ean ,ent out ,ith +ome girl he met1A *he continued to +tir1 @9ell4 um4 i/ (ou ,ant4 3 bought +ome ,ine toda( and made +ome homemade +auce1A *he turned :uic.l( around4 but 3 could tell +he ,a+ ner2ou+1 @7eah4 )aggie1 *ound+ great1 >et me go +ho,er /ir+t1A -ruth be told4 it did +ound great1 =u+t the pair o/ u+ en0o(ing a meal together1 *he e2en made me ca.e1 )( /a2orite one that +he5d made +ince +ophomore+ bac. in high +chool1 3 ,anted it to go ,ell4 +o 3 promi+ed m(+el/ ,hile 3 ,a+ getting cleaned up that 3 ,ouldn5t +tart m( u+ual +hit to get her riled up1 3 ,ould ma.e thi+ night ,or. in m( /a2or4 e2en i/ it .illed me1 3 hated the ,a( thing+ had been bet,een u+ the la+t /e, da(+1 3 .ne, it ,a+ mo+tl( m( /ault /or beha2ing li.e a 0ac.a++ mo+t o/ the time but it reall( bothered me that +he ,a+ +eeing another gu(1 &2en i/ he li2ed all the ,a( in Ne, 7or. and the( onl( +po.e o2er the phone1 3t +till pi++ed me o//1 3 ,anted to .no, i/ +he5d been ph(+ical ,ith him1 3 ,anted to .no, i/ 3 ,a+ +till the onl( one +he5d let get that clo+e to her1 -hat thought alone .ept me up at night ,ondering i/ 3

,a+n5t the onl( one ,ho got to experience ,hat it ,a+ li.e ,ith )aggie1 -he ,a( +he .i++ed4 the ,a( +he ta+ted4 the +ound o/ her moaning4 the /eel o/ her na.ed bod(1 35d mi++ed it all1 9hen 3 came out o/ m( room4 +he ,a+ alread( +etting the plate+ do,n on the i+land1 3t ,a+ a +mall three-+eater4 ,hich meant ,e5d be +itting nice and clo+e1 )( hope+ got the be+t o/ me a+ +he /la+hed me one o/ her beauti/ul +mile+4 ge+turing /or me to ta.e a +eat1 *he ,al.ed around4 grabbing the opened bottle o/ ,ine4 and /illed the gla++e+1 *he had on a +.imp( pair o/ +hort( +hort+ and one o/ m( old plaid Folli+ter button-up +hirt+ +he5d +tolen /rom me (ear+ ago1 @*o4 ,hat did (ou do toda(EA +he a+.ed a+ +he t,irled the +paghetti around her /or.1 @*hot hoop+ at the 7 ,ith +ome gu(+1A @3 didn5t .no, (ou ,ere +till pla(ing1A @35m not1 3t ,a+ 0u+t /or /un1A Ba+.etball ,a+ +omething 35d pla(ed in high +chool4 and 3 pla(ed it ,ell1 3 en0o(ed it4 but a+ 3 got older4 the thrill /aded1 @?id (ou +ta( home and coo. all da(EA *he nodded1 @9ell4 it5+ 0u+t li.e 3 remember1 *o4 than. (ou1A *he /la+hed another :uic. +mile m( ,a( but in+tead o/ +a(ing an(thing4 +he .ept on eating1 9e tal.ed about di//erent thing+1 *he ,a+ 2er( opinionated about m( ne, hair and the /e, tattoo+1 Be/ore +he5d di+appeared4 35d been the +traight-laced golden bo(1 Per/ect /amil(4 .ic.-a++ grade+4 good in +port+4 ton o/ /riend+1 No,4 in the ,a.e o/ li/e altering e2ent+4 3 ,a+ di//erent4 and +he5d noticed the change1 )( hair4 m( attitude4 the tattoo+1 6t the time4 it /elt nece++ar(1 No, it ,a+ 0u+t a part o/ me4 although 3 ,a+ gro,ing m( hair out again4 probabl( /or her1 <nce dinner ,a+ done4 3 cleared the plate+ li.e 3 al,a(+ u+ed to1 -hat ,a+ our thing-+he coo.ed4 3 cleaned1 @3 got that4A +he +aid4 pulling the plate+ /rom m( hand+1 @)aggie4 3 got it1 3t5+ the lea+t 3 can do1 Go open another bottle and relax1A *he relented but hu//ed a+ +he ,al.ed around me to get to the ,ine rac. on the counter1 3 heard the cor. pop 0u+t a+ 3 +tac.ed the di+he+ into the di+h,a+her1 3 +nuc. a :uic. glance to ,atch her per/ectl( +haped bod( +trut to the couch1 3 ,iped o// an( lingering +auce on the counter4 and made m( ,a( o2er to the +ide table1 -hi+ i+ ,here ,e .ept our +ound +(+tem1 3 turned the radio on lo, and grabbed m( empt( gla++ to ta.e a +eat acro++ /rom her1 )( bod( ached to +it next to her4 or better (et4 ha2e her on top o/ me4 but 3 ,a+n5t going to pu+h m( luc.1 Not (et4 an(,a(1 -hi+ ,a+ another +ide o/ me that changed1 -he old me ,ould ha2e /orced her into m( room until +he ca2ed1 -he ne, me ,a+ tr(ing reall( hard to be patient ,ith her1 -o +ort her+el/ out4 then hope/ull( come bac. to me ,illingl(1 )aggie ,a+ ner2ou+1 Fer hand+ ,ere loo+el( ,rapped around her gla++4 turning it round and round on the table1 @?o (ou thin. (ou5ll e2er tal. to (our mom againEA 3 .ne, thi+ ,a+ a +ore +ub0ect4 but 3 ,anted to .no, in ca+e +he needed bac.up1 8uite /ran.l(4 3 didn5t .no, ,hat el+e to tal. about1 *he +hrugged1 @&2entuall(4 3 gue++1 7ou .no, ho, 3 /eel about her1A *he ea+ed bac. into the cu+hion+4 ta.ing her gla++ ,ith her1 *he too. a hea2( +ip4 and +at bac. up1 @9h( do (ou a+.EA 3 tried not to go all ca2eman protecti2e li.e 3 al,a(+ ,a+ ,hen it came to her4 +o4 3 held up m( hand+1 @=erem( and 3 ,ere tal.ing about it1 3 thin. he5d /eel better i/ (ou t,o ,or.ed

+omething out1A *he +ighed4 tuc.ing her hair behind her ear+1 @3+ he ,orried about meEA @</ cour+e he i+1 Blue4 ,e all are1A 6/ter 3 /lat-out admitted that 3 ,a+ ,orried about her4 +he topped o// her gla++1 *he ,a+ no, ,or.ing on number /our4 and thi+ ,a+ not li.e her at all1 *he5d ne2er been a hea2( drin.er1 *ure4 +he5d ha2e a beer or t,o ,hen ,e ,ere (ounger4 ma(be e2en a +hot4 but +he5d alread( .noc.ed bac. three drin.+ in under an hour1 6ll o/ a +udden4 )aggie ,a+ loo.ing at me li.e +he u+ed to1 *he +tudied me ,ith tho+e huge bab(-blue+ that 3 u+ed to lo2e to get lo+t in1 6nd e2en though that loo. +houldn5t +care me4 it did1 3t +cared the e2er-li2ing +hit out o/ me1 *he noticed m( empt( gla++ and 0umped up1 @35ll get +ome more1A )oreE 7eah4 that5+ 0u+t ,hat +he needed1 6t the rate +he ,a+ going4 3 ,a+ going to be holding bac. her hair4 +pending the night ,atching her pra( to the porcelain god+1 3 +hoo. m( head a+ +he +truggled ,ith the cor.+cre,4 but +he /inall( managed to pop the cor. /ree1 *he +miled a+ +he ,al.ed o2er to me4 and in+tead o/ +itting ,here +he had been4 +he +at do,n next to me1 Fer leg gra%ed mine4 ,hich +hould52e gotten me excited a+ hell4 but it onl( made me gun-+h(1 *he /illed m( gla++ and topped o// her o,n lea2ing me 2er( curiou+ a+ to ,hat exactl( )aggie ,anted out o/ thi+ night1 )eE 3 ,a+ up /or an(thing that in2ol2ed her na.ed and in m( bed1 -he next time 3 got bra2e enough to glance in her direction4 )aggie /lic.ed her gla++( e(e+ up to mine1 @Blue4 come on1 ?on5t do thi+1 >et5+ 0u+t ha2e +ome /un /or once1 35m +ic. o/ /ighting ,ith (ou1A *he ,iped the /e, tear+ ,ith the bac. o/ her hand1 @7ou5re right1 3 0u+t111can 3 +a( one thing and then 35ll drop itEA +he pleaded1 6nd e2en though 3 ,anted to +a( no4 that 3 didn5t ,ant to hear an( more excu+e+4 3 couldn5t den( her1 3 nodded /or her to continue1 @35m +o4 +o 2er( +orr( /or cau+ing (ou pain4 and /or not being here ,hen (ou needed me the mo+t1 3 +hould52e called1 3 +hould52e been here1 3 hate the ,a( ,e5re treating each other1 -hat5+ all 3 ,anted to +a(1 9e ha2en5t reall( tal.ed about e2er(thing1A *he +tarted to cr( a little again4 but 3 pic.ed up her hand and held it in mine1 @35m done4 3 promi+e4A +he ,hi+pered1 @7ou alread( apologi%ed1 -here are +o man( thing+ 3 thought ,hen (ou le/t1 3 ,a+ +o mad at (ou at the time1 3 needed (ou +o much1 3 lo2ed (ou +o much4 it hurt1 6nd then 3 +tarted thin.ing i/ (ou ne2er le/t4 then 3 probabl( ,ould52e been in that car4 and 35d be dead too1 -hen ,hat ,ould52e happened to (ouE Fo, ,ould (ou ha2e gone on ,ithout meE But4 (ou ,ere gone4 +o 3 /igured (ou didn5t need me1 3t too. a,hile4 but 3 /orga2e (ou4 3 +,ear1 -hing i+4 352e ne2er /orgotten (ou le/t me alone1 3 needed (ou4 )ag+1 9hen the( died111/uc.I 3t ,a+ reall( hard1 3 had =er and ?ean but it ,a+n5t the +ame1A 3 .ne, +he ,a+ on her ,a( to being drun.4 or ma(be +he ,a+ alread( there1 But4 it all came pouring out again1 3t ,a+n5t to ma.e her cr(4 or to ha2e tho+e beauti/ul blue e(e+ +tare bac. at me li.e there ,a+ hope /or the t,o o/ u+1 3t ,a+ +omething 3 needed to get o// m( che+t again1 ?run. or not 3 needed her to remember ,hat +he did to me1 Fo, +he cru+hed me1 6nd 0u+t being thi+ clo+e to her ,a+ ,earing me do,n to m( /uc.ing core1 *he clutched at m( hand a+ it ,a+ +till holding onto her+4 and then relea+ed it1 9e /ro%e ,hen the next +ong came on1 3t ,a+ our+4 and until tonight4 ,hene2er it pla(ed 3 turned it o// be/ore the /ir+t ,ord i++ued through the +pea.er+1 *he li/ted her ga%e to me4 biting her lip4 and 3

could tell ,hat +he ,anted1 3 ,anted it too1 -here ,a+ no ,a( in hell 3 ,a+ changing that channel tonight1 35d be a /ool1 Becau+e it ha+ al,a(+ been )aggie1 *he5+ the onl( girl 35ll e2er lo2e1 6+ @3 )elt 9ith 7ouA /rom )odern &ngli+h hit the /ir+t choru+4 3 +tood and held out m( hand to +ee i/ +he5d ta.e it1 3 .ne, 3 ,a+ /eeling good a/ter the ,ine4 but )aggie ,a+ de/initel( /eeling better4 becau+e +he /ell hea2il( into m( arm+1 3t became our +ong ,a( bac. in high +chool be/ore @,eA e2en exi+ted-/re+hman (ear1 Nothing ,a+ on -L1 3 ,a+ +leeping o2er1 9e decided on +ome lame-a++ old mo2ie called Lalle( Girl1 )aggie5+ choice1 9hich turned out to be prett( good1 6t the end o/ the mo2ie4 3 pulled )ag+ o// the couch and +,ung her around to the mu+ic1 &2er( +ince4 ,e al,a(+ danced ,hen it came on the radio1 3t ,a+ a /a+t +ong4 +o ,e acted li.e idiot+4 but once ,e became a couple4 ,e danced to it li.e it ,a+ +ome damn romantic ballad1 Not a +econd later4 ,e ,ere ,rapped up in each other li.e old time+1 3 ,a+n5t expecting an(thing more than tho+e preciou+ moment+ holding her in m( arm+4 but then )aggie li/ted her head and +ince +he ,a+ much +horter than 3 ,a+4 +he +tood up on her tiptoe+ to get an e2en better loo. into m( e(e+1 6+ a /e, tear+ ran do,n her chee.4 3 ,anted to cr( m(+el/1 3 li/ted m( hand4 m( thumb rubbing her tear+ a,a(1 9ithout gi2ing it an( thought4 3 mo2ed it do,n to care++ her chee.4 to tuc. her hair behind her ear4 to /eel the +o/tne++ o/ her lip+1 3 traced o2er the bottom one becau+e it ,a+ m( /a2orite1 3 u+ed to lo2e to ta.e it in m( mouth4 .i++ it4 +uc. on it4 ta+te it1 3t ,a+ /uller than her upper lip4 and there ,a+ +omething about it that made me ,ant to +a2or it1 -o +ee i/ it ta+ted a+ +,eet a+ it +eemed1 *he +miled4 but in+tead o/ doing ,hat 3 reall( ,anted4 3 bent do,n +lightl( and .i++ed the tip o/ her no+e1 3 tried not to let m(+el/ get too +uc.ed into the moment4 in ca+e +he decided to change her mind1 3 ,a+ prett( po+iti2e m( heart couldn5t po++ibl( handle another re0ection /rom her1 )aggie too. a huge breath in and then relea+ed it1 3 could /eel the ,armth on m( nec. a+ +he nu%%led in clo+er4 ,rapping her arm+ loo+el( around m( ,ai+t1 3 tried to thin. o/ di//erent ,a(+ to +top m(+el/ /rom getting carried a,a(4 to +top m(+el/ /rom hoping too much1 9hen 3 ,a+ po+iti2e it ,a+n5t going to happen4 it did1 3/ m( mind hadn5t been +o con/u+ed4 ma(be 3 ,ould52e reali%ed that tho+e +,eet little hand+ had ,or.ed their ,a( up the bac. o/ m( +hirt4 and )aggie ,a+ no, ta.ing it to a ,hole ne, le2el1 3n+tantl(4 m( bod( ,ent on /ull alert1 9hen 3 reali%ed +he ,a+ touching me 3 /linched1 3 didn5t thin. +he noticed4 but +he ,atched me ,ith tho+e big blue+ e(e+1 3 ,a+ +o a,are o/ e2er(thing1 Fer /ace4 the ,a( +he +melled4 the +o/tne++ o/ the +hirt +he ,a+ ,earing4 the color+ o/ the /abric4 the loo. that +creamed4 @ta.e me1A 3 +hi2ered1 @35m +orr(1 3t5+ 0u+t that (ou ha2en5t touched me li.e that /or +o long1A *he +miled but continued letting her hand+ roam1 -hat +ex( loo. touched her e(e+4 hinting +he ,anted more1 -he +ong ,a+ coming to an end and 3 couldn5t help but ,onder ,hen it did4 ,ould thi+ end tooE -hat5+ ,hen 3 reali%ed that 3 needed to man up4 gro, a pair and +top acting li.e a pu++(1 3 had to ma.e m( mo2e be/ore it ,a+ too late1 3 ,anted thi+1 35d ,anted to /eel her touch /or t,o long (ear+1 -hi+ ,a+ not ,hat 3 intended to do tonight1 3 +,ore 3 ,a+ going to be +trong4 but 3 ,a+ a /rigging pu+ho2er ,hen it came to )aggie1 3 mimic.ed her mo2e+ b( +pla(ing m( /inger+ on her ,ai+t under her +hirt1 *he let out a +o/t moan that 3 in+tantl( recogni%ed a+ a good thing1 3 .ne, all her moan+4 and thi+ one told me +he ,a+ on the +ame page1 *he ,anted thi+1 3 ,a+ de+perate

to /eel more o/ her4 but terri/ied o/ pu+hing her too /ar1 3 peered do,n4 but her e(e+ ,ere clo+ed a+ +he continued to explore the mu+cle+ on m( bac.1 3 glanced up to the ceiling4 +a(ing a :uic. pra(er that +he ,ouldn5t ob0ect at ,hat 3 ,a+ about to do1 Becau+e +omeho, m( brain4 heart4 and head ,eren5t on the +ame page1 )( heart ,on thi+ round1 6nd 3 .ne,4 the ,hole H/riend+5 thing ,a+ being pu+hed a+ide1 &2en .no,ing thi+ could be do or die /or me 3 ,a+ ,illing to tr( and ,al. do,n thi+ road ,ith her to get her bac.1 *lo,l(4 3 /ound the hem o/ her +hirt and +tarted to li/t1 )aggie5+ arm+ came o// o/ m( ,ai+t1 -a.ing a +tep bac.4 +he rai+ed her arm+ o2er her head4 ,aiting /or me to /ini+h ,hat 35d +tarted1 *hitI *he ,a+ letting thi+ happen1 9hen +he ra.ed her nail+ do,n m( bac.4 her +hirt /ell out o/ m( gra+p onto the /loor1 3 +,allo,ed hard ,hen +he grabbed m( hand in her+4 ,al.ing u+ to,ard her room1 *he he+itated at the radio4 cran.ing it up a little more4 and ,al.ed me into m( old room1 3 hadn5t +tepped /oot in there +ince +he5d come home1 3t ,a+ the +ame4 but the bedding ,a+ girl( no,1 *he +hut the door a/ter 3 +tepped in4 and loc.ed it1 *he +tared at me4 biting do,n on that bottom lip1 @6re (ou +ure (ou ,ant thi+EA 3 a+.ed1 3 ,anted to be damn po+iti2e thi+ ,a+n5t 0u+t the boo%e tal.ing1 3 needed to hear that +he ,anted me a+ much a+ 3 ,anted her1 @*ince ,hen do (ou e2er a+.4 >u.eE 7ou ne2er needed to a+. me be/ore1A 9ell4 +he +aid m( name4 +o +he at lea+t .no,+ it5+ me and not him1 -hat +aid enough /or me1 C+uall(4 35m not that gu(1 -he one ,ho doe+n5t gi2e a rat5+ a++ i/ the girl had another man in her li/e1 Normall(4 35d ne2er do that to another dude4 but thi+ girl had al,a(+ been mine4 and 3 ,a+n5t ,illing to gi2e her up ,ithout a /ight1 3/ he reall( ,anted her4 then he +hould52e mo2ed hi+ a++ out here to be ,ith her4 in+tead o/ lea2ing her alone ,ith me1 6t lea+t that ,a+ m( brain5+ ,a( o/ con2incing m(+el/ ,hat 3 ,a+ about to do ,a+ right1 )aggie had +himmied out o/ her 0ean+ ,hile 35d debated ,ith m(+el/4 and then 3 /orgot exactl( ,hat it ,a+ 3 ,a+ tr(ing to con2ince m(+el/ o/4 becau+e her red lace pantie+ ,ere pre++ed up again+t me1 )( arm+ ,ent around her in+tantl(4 +cooping her up1 -he +o/tne++ o/ her +.in a+ m( /inger+ touched her ,a+ almo+t enough to do me in1 Fer leg+ ,rapped tightl( around m( ,ai+t a+ our mouth+ +lammed onto one another1 -he one thing 3 ,anted to do earlier ,a+ +uc. on her lip4 +o that5+ ,hat 3 did1 *he moaned louder4 her hand+ running o2er m( hair that ,a+ +tarting to gro, bac.1 3 carried her o2er to m( bed and gentl( placed her do,n4 +ettling on top o/ her1 Fer hair ca+caded o2er her +houlder+4 a+ +he /umbled ,ith m( 0ean+1 Part o/ me /rea.ed .no,ing 3 had to +eparate /rom herB it ,ould onl( ta.e a +econd /or her to change her mind1 3 +at up4 +traddling her to to++ o// m( +hirt4 and then +cooted do,n the edge o/ the bed be/ore .ic.ing m( 0ean+ o//1 )aggie curled her /inger at me4 and 3 ,a+ bac. on top o/ her ,ithout blin.ing an e(e1 *he +at up and .i++ed the +hamroc. ,ith her name on it tattooed on m( upper ribcage1 35d gotten in done three month+ a/ter +he le/t1 3t ,a+ m( ,a( o/ ne2er letting m(+el/ /orget her1 Fer hand+ ran do,n under m( boxer brie/+4 and +he ,or.ed her hand in+ide4 /eeling 0u+t ,hat +he ,a+ doing to me1 3 ,a+ +till in a,e that ,e ,ere e2en going here tonight1 35d ,anted thi+ moment to happen /or +o long1 -o ha2e her underneath me4 to /eel the tenderne++ o/ her +.in again+t mine4 to .i++ e2er( inch o/ her4 to dro,n in her1 3 +.immed m( /inger+ into her pantie+4 tugging them

do,n +lightl(1 -he thought o/ being in+ide o/ her again o2er,helmed me4 but 3 ,anted to +a2or e2er( minute 35d mi++ed1 *he ,a+ +oa.ed b( the time 3 got the courage to +lip m( /inger in+ide o/ her1 )aggie arched her bac.4 pre++ing her brea+t+ into m( che+t1 3 didn5t ,ant to neglect m( +econd-/a2orite part o/ her bod(4 +o 3 mo2ed +lightl( a,a( /rom her mouth4 raining .i++e+ until m( mouth /ound her nipple1 @<h4 God4 >u.e1 Plea+e it5+ been too long4A +he begged1 3 ,anted to gi2e in to her4 but 3 ,a+n5t going to let thi+ night end +o /a+t1 &+peciall( i/ thi+ ,a+ m( one +hot at ,inning her bac.1 )aggie ,a+ ne2er one /or /orepla(1 )e4 3 ,anted to linger a /e, minute+4 .i++ e2er( inch o/ her leg+4 nibble her thigh+4 touch e2er( +:uare inch o/ her1 6nd tonight that5+ 0u+t ,hat 3 ,anted to do1 3 ,anted to redi+co2er )aggie1

Chapter 1!
)aggie 6 +econd later4 he ,a+ bet,een m( thigh+4 letting hi+ mouth ,or. it+ ,a( do,n,ard be/ore li/ting m( leg+ o2er hi+ +houlder+1 &2er( +en+ation ru+hed throughout m( bod(1 3t had been a long time +ince he or an(one el+e had done thi+ to me4 and God4 ho, 3 ,anted him to +ince the moment 3 +a, him prancing around hal/-na.ed in the apartment1 >u.e ,a+ al,a(+ good in bed4 but thi+ ,a+ +omething he ma+tered1 Fe groaned4 @*,eet mother o/ God4 )aggie1 3 mi++ed thi+1A 6 moment later 3 could /eel the heat o/ hi+ mouth a+ he lic.ed4 +uc.ed4 and pulled until 3 could barel( breathe1 3 ,himpered hi+ name4 tugging at hi+ hair1 @>u.e111A 3 panted ,ith a pain/ul need /or him1 3 couldn5t ta.e it an(more1 3t ,a+ li.e 35d ne2er le/t1 -he ,a( e2er(thing 0u+t mo2ed +o /luidl(4 li.e ,e5d been doing thi+ /or (ear+1 35d ,aited +o long to be ,ith him1 -o let him in again1 Fe ea+ed hi+ mouth a,a( /or a +econd4 grinning1 @6ll right4 bab(1 Fold on1A Fe ga2e me one la+t long lic.4 almo+t +ending me to an immediate orga+m4 be/ore .i++ing hi+ ,a( bac. up to m( mouth1 Fe /orced m( lip+ apart4 holding m( ,ri+t+ abo2e m( head4 re+training me +lightl(4 be/ore running hi+ hand+ up and do,n m( arm+1 3 could /eel he ,a+ a+ read( and anxiou+ a+ 3 ,a+1 <ur heart+ pounded together a+ ,e remembered one another1 Fi+ lip+ touched m( +,ollen one+4 and he ,hi+pered4 @3 can5t .i++ (ou enough1 3 can5t touch (ou enough1 -hi+ ,ill ne2er be enough4 )aggie1A Fi+ lip+ mo2ed hungril( o2er mine again1 3 moaned into hi+ mouth4 +urrendering e2er( ounce o/ m(+el/ to him1 3 /elt him +lip in+ide me a +econd later1 @9aitIA Fi+ e(e+ +earched mine1 @9hatEA @9e need a condom1A @9h(E 9e ne2er u+ed one be/ore1 6ren5t (ou +till on the pillEA 3 +hoo. m( head1 @<.a(4A >u.e +crambled o// and reached do,n to the /loor4 pulling out hi+ ,allet1 Fe (an.ed out a condom4 and handed it to me1 Fe ,atched me roll it on him ,ith a loo. o/ +heer +ati+/action that cro++ed o2er hi+ /ace a+ 3 did it1 9e laughed4 and then he +an. into me ,ithout he+itation1 3t ,a+ the hotte+t4 /a+te+t +ex that ,e e2er +hared1 3t /elt li.e the /ir+t time ,e5d gotten together4 minu+ the endle++ hour+ o/ exploring1 9e la( there panting4 breathle++1 *miling1 >u.e propped him+el/ up on hi+ elbo, a moment later4 per+piration dripping o// o/ him4 a+ he traced hi+ /inger do,n m( +tomach1

@3 mi++ed (ou +o much4A he +aid1 @3 mi++ed (ou too1A 6nd e2en though it ,a+n5t a lie4 becau+e 3 had mi++ed him4 de+peratel(1 3 al+o .ne, 3 couldn5t do thi+ again1 6t lea+t not until 3 /igured out ,hat ,a+ going on ,ith )ax1 -he guilt hit me a+ +oon a+ it ,a+ o2er4 the ,ine ,orn o//1 )ax didn5t de+er2e thi+1 6nd 3 hated thin.ing o/ another man ,hile >u.e held me1 Fe pulled me into hi+ che+t4 +nuggling me clo+er4 ,rapping hi+ arm+ and leg+ around me1 @Can 3 +leep in here tonight ,ith (ouEA 3 nodded4 unable to +a( an(thing1 9hat had 3 0u+t doneE Fe noticed m( change in mood in+tantl(1 </ cour+e he did1 3 could ne2er get an(thing b( him1 @Fe(4 +top o2erthin.ing thi+1A Fe .i++ed m( /orehead4 and made little circle+ on m( lo,er bac.1 3 +ighed4 thin.ing about ,hat ,e5d done1 &2en though it ,a+ beauti/ul and per/ect4 3 /elt not ,orth( o/ )ax5+ tru+t1 >u.e made a /ace4 but then he .i++ed me on the lip+ a+ gentle a+ a /eather a+ he held m( /ace in hi+ hand+1 @Bab(4 (ou got me in+ide out right no,1A -ho+e ,ere the la+t ,ord+ he +aid be/ore he ,rapped me in hi+ arm+ and dri/ted o// to +leep1 GGG -he next morning4 >u.e ,a+ on the other +ide o/ the bed4 +noring +o/tl(1 3 +tudied him /or a /e, +econd+4 be/ore getting up and pulling on m( clothe+1 >a+t night had been ,onder/ul4 and 3 hated to do thi+1 3 couldn5t belie2e 3 let m(+el/ get drun. around him1 3 +hould52e .no,n that 3 couldn5t re+i+t him1 Not +ure i/ he5d /orgi2e me thi+ time4 3 +ighed hea2il(4 grabbing m( +nea.er+ /rom next to the bed1 3 bent o2er to put them on and /elt the ,armth o/ hi+ hand run do,n m( bac.1 @Fe(4 ,here (ou goingEA Fe re+ted hi+ chin on m( +houlder loo.ing do,n at m( +hoe+1 3 cleared m( throat1 @35m 0u+t going /or a run1 3 need to clear m( head1A 6nd ta.e ten a+pirin /or m( headache1 3 +tood up :uic.l(4 ,al.ing to,ard the door ,ithout glancing bac.1 @)aggie4A he called out loudl(4 and 3 could hear the ,orr( i+ hi+ 2oice1 3 turned to /ace him4 but couldn5t let him +ee the tear+ bre,ing1 @*o i+ thi+ itEA @9hatEA *omeho,4 3 /ound the courage to glance up1 Fe ge+tured to,ard the bed4 to him+el/1 @-hi+E 3+ thi+ itEA 3 /orced m(+el/ to hold bac. the tear+4 be/ore /inall( loc.ing e(e+ ,ith him1 @3 don5t .no,1A 3 ran out4 not e2en caring that ?ean and =erem( ,ere +itting in the .itchen ,atching me ,ith concern1 3t ,a+n5t until >u.e /le, out o/ the room that clarit( cro++ed their /ace+1 @3 can5t belie2e (ou4 )aggie1 ?on5t do thi+IA he +houted a/ter me1 @Go ahead4 bab(1 'eep running4 but 35ll ne2er change m( mind about (ou1 3t5+ a ,a+te o/ time to tr(1 Cau+e thi+ i+n5t o2er1A 3 +topped mo2ing brie/l(4 but unable to loo. at hi+ +ad /ace4 3 opened the door and ran out1 3 don5t .no, ,hat happened la+t night or ho, ,e ended up in bed together1 7eah4 3 did1 Ne2er drin. red ,ine again1 3 hadn5t +et out to4 but +omeho, +haring tho+e moment+ dancing ,ith him4 ha2ing hi+ /amiliar arm+ ,rapped around me4 it ,a+ li.e time +topped and being ,ith him ,a+ the onl( thing that mattered to me1 No, 3 /elt +o guilt( becau+e 3 .ne, 3 +till lo2ed him4 and tr(ing to let )ax go ,a+ going to be +o hard1 Fe5d helped put me +lo,l( bac. together o2er the la+t +e2eral month+1 Fo, could 3 betra( himE

Chapter 14 >u.e 3 ,a+ +tanding-completel( na.ed-in the door,a( o/ her room ,hen 3 noticed =erem( +ha.ing hi+ head1 @9hat4 =erE 9hat the /uc. i+ (our problemEA 3 (elled4 more /ru+trated at )aggie5+ reaction to ,hat happened bet,een u+1 Fe ga2e me a de/lated loo.4 but ?ean +tepped around him1 @Go put on +ome pant+ and then come bac. out and tal. to him1A Fe patted me on the bac. a+ he pa++ed b( to get to hi+ room1 Fe +hut the door4 lea2ing me alone ,ith =erem(1 3 held up a /inger to let him .no, 3 needed a minute1 3 tugged do,n m( --+hirt a+ he placed a plate /ull o/ egg+ on the table and ge+tured /or me to +it1 @9hat happenedEA he a+.ed1 3 ran m( hand+ through m( hair1 @9hat do (ou thin. happenedE *he let me in4 then ran1 -hi+ running +hit i+ reall( +tarting to pi++ me o//1A 3 +ho2eled in a mouth/ul /ull o/ egg+1 *,allo,ing4 3 rai+ed m( head1 @3 .no, +he5+ (our +i+ter4 but 3 don5t thin. 3 can ha2e her li2ing here i/ +he5+ going to rip me up again1A =er nodded1 @35ll tal. to her1 >et me /eel her out be/ore (ou go do +omething (ou5ll regret1A 3 laughed out loud1 @7eah4 thin. that5+ alread( happened1A =erem( placed both hi+ hand+ on the counter4 e(eing me /or a +econd1 @7ou +a(ing (ou regret m( +i+terEA @No1 3 don5t regret being ,ith her4 3 regret letting her get to me again1 3 don5t thin. there5+ enough Danax /or me to get through thi+ +hit again1A -hat thought pi++ed me o// right a,a(1 Danax and 3 had been good /riend+ /or a ,hile4 but e2er +ince )aggie got bac.4 35d been ta.ing it le++ and le++1 @35ll tal. to her1 3 .no, m( +i+ter1 *he5+ /eeling guilt( right no, becau+e o/ )r1 ?ouchebag Ne, 7or.1 9hat are (ou doing the re+t o/ the da(EA 3 ,al.ed around him4 rin+ing m( plate in the +in.1 @Got to ,or. later1 9hat about (ouEA @Nothing1 *o ,hen +he come+ bac.4 35ll ta.e care o/ it1A 3 nodded1 @3 thin. 35m going to ta.e a +ho,er and get out o/ here /or the da(1 35ll +ee (ou +ometime later tonight1A @7eah4 man1A 9e bumped /i+t+ and then 3 0umped in the +ho,er /orcing m(+el/ to ,a+h a,a( an( lingering +mell o/ )aggie /rom m( bod(1 Normall( 35d lea2e it4 but /or +ome rea+on4 3 0u+t ,anted all reminder+ gone1 -he bar ,a+ 0u+t about to clo+e ,hen =enn(4 one o/ the ,aitre++e+4 a girl 35d had +ome /un ,ith once or t,ice4 came up behind me and ,rapped her red /ingernail+ around m( ,ai+t1 @Fe(4 +ex(1 9hat do (ou +a( (ou and me go ha2e a drin. at m( placeE 3 un,rapped her4 ,al.ing to the other +ide o/ the bar to ,ipe it do,n1 @Not tonight1A @Come on1 7ou52e been cran.( all night1 3 guarantee 3 can loo+en (ou up4A +he purred into m( ear1 3 pu+hed her o// a+ gentl( a+ 3 could ,ithout coming o// a+ a complete a++hole1 @>oo.4 =en4 it5+ not happening tonight1 3t ma( ne2er happen again1 *o4 35m a+.ing (ou to bac. o//4 o.a(EA *he hit me pla(/ull( ,ith the palm o/ her hand4 but .ept it there1 @=ee+h4 ,ho pi++ed in (our Cheerio+E 3 ,a+ 0u+t loo.ing /or a good time1A 3 grabbed her hand4 and +ho2ed it bac. do,n to her +ide1 @7eah4 ,ell4 go /ind it +ome,here el+e1A

Finall(4 3 ,a+ +itting in m( car in /ront o/ our apartment building1 3t ,a+ 0u+t a/ter 2 a1m1 and 3 ,a+ /orcing m(+el/ to +ta( put1 3 couldn5t /igure out ,hat had happened1 9hat ,ent ,rongE >a+t night had been ama%ing1 Be+t night o/ m( li/e1 Be+t night +leep in /or/uc.inge2er1 But then +he panic.ed or +omething4 and 3 .ne, +he ,a+ going to pu+h me a,a(1 3 0u+t .ne, it1 Fer /ace in the morning +creamed regret1 3 ,i+h 3 could +a( the +ame4 but no ,a( in hell did 31 >a+t night meant the ,orld to me1 )aggie gi2ing her+el/ to me meant +he +till lo2ed me and that ga2e me hope1 -he light to m( old room ,a+ +till on4 ,hich meant )aggie ,a+ +till a,a.e1 35d had enough guilt4 anger4 and bitterne++ to la+t me a li/etime1 3 re+ted m( head again+t the +teering ,heel and let the memorie+ o/ la+t night creep through m( t,i+ted head1 God4 3 mi++ed her1 )ore than 3 e2en reali%ed1 =u+t the mere touch o/ her hand+ had +ent me out o/ control la+t night1 -here ,a+ no ,a( 3 ,a+ going to be able to handle her telling me la+t night ,a+ a one-night onl( opportunit(1 Per+onall(4 3 ,a+ +urpri+ed 3 hadn5t .idnapped her and dragged her a++ to Lega+ (et1 -he next time 3 glanced up4 the light ,a+ o//4 +o 3 crept into the apartment a+ :uietl( a+ po++ible1 -he door to her room ,a+ clo+ed4 +o 3 let out the breath 35d been holding1 =erem( ,a+ alread( +leeping4 and he ,a+n5t alone1 Fe ,a+ /lat on hi+ bac.4 a mound o/ blond hair +pilled out all o2er hi+ che+t4 hi+ arm ,rapped tightl( around +ome chic.1 3 +lipped into the bathroom4 bru+hed m( teeth4 too. a pi++4 and grabbed the onl( thing 3 could control in m( li/e1 3 +tarted to pop the Danax into m( mouth4 but then /ound m(+el/ not ,anting it tonight1 3 +miled and placed the pill bac. into the bottle1 9hen 3 ,o.e the next da(4 the apartment ,a+ :uiet1 3 la( there /or at lea+t a hal/ hour li+tening /or an( +par. o/ li/e4 e+peciall( /rom the room next to mine1 3 mu+t52e loo.ed pathetic ,ith m( ear pre++ed again+t the ,all4 hoping to hear her1 Nothing1 <nce the calm o/ m( racing heart +ettled4 3 po.ed m( head out the door to ma.e +ure 3 ,a+ alone1 3 +miled ,ith relie/1 -he next da(4 =erem( returned ,ith ,ho 3 a++umed ,a+ the girl ,rapped around him the night be/ore1 -he blond hair matched an(,a(1 3 didn5t get a decent +hot o/ her la+t night1 @<h4 he(4 (ou5re up1 -hi+ i+ *arah1A Fe turned and pulled her next to him1 @*arah4 thi+ i+ >u.e1A *arah o//ered her hand4 +o 3 too. it1 3 e(ed him /or a +plit +econd4 tr(ing to get a /eel /or thi+ ne, +ituation1 -he( +tarted to ,al. o2er to our room ,hen 3 +topped him4 grabbing a hold o/ hi+ +houlder1 @Fe(4 man1 ?id (ou tal. to )ag+EA Fe +hoo. hi+ head1 @Not (et1 *he loc.ed her+el/ in her room ,hen +he got bac.1 6+ +oon a+ 3 can4 3 ,ill1 3 promi+e1A 3 +ighed4 rubbing the /i2e o5cloc. +hado, on m( /ace1 >oc.ed her+el/ in her room1 9hat4 ,a+ +he /i2eE 3 ,a+ beginning to hate thi+ 2er+ion o/ )aggie1 3 ,anted the old one bac.1 6nd 3 ,anted her bac. no,1 3t ,a+n5t until the a/ternoon that )aggie decided to +ho, her /ace1 3 a++umed +he5d been hiding /rom me4 +ince her door ,a+ +hut the entire time4 but it appeared 35d been ,rong1 -he /ront door /le, open and +he ,al.ed in carr(ing a +mall du//el bag1 3 clo+ed m( e(e+ /or a +plit +econd and then re/ocu+ed on her1 3 almo+t didn5t a+.4 but m( curio+it( got the be+t o/ me1 @9here52e (ou beenEA 3 grimaced4 ,aiting /or her to +a( that +he ran bac. to Ne, 7or. to that a++hole1 @3 ,a+ at m( mom5+ hou+e /or the night1A *urpri+ed4 3 0umped up1 @9hatE 9h(E ?id (ou tell =erEA *he +hoo. her head1 @3 needed to thin.4 and 3 needed to tal. to her1A

@6nd111A @3t ,ent about a+ ,ell a+ 3 thought it ,ould1A 3 carried her du//el to her room and thre, the bag on the bed1 3 ble, out a breath noticing the crumpled +heet+ ,here 35d been onl( three night+ ago1 But4 3 pu+hed m( o,n i++ue+ and /ear+ a+ide to +ee i/ 3 could +omeho, help1 @?o (ou ,ant to tal. about itEA *he +trolled around me li.e it ,a+ no big deal that +he ran again1 *he +at on the edge o/ her bed1 @*he blame+ me4 3 thin.1A @For ,hatEA 3 a+.ed4 immediatel( pi++ed1 @For him1 *he thin.+ m( lie+ ,ere ,hat cau+ed hi+ heart to go1A 3 ga+ped1 >eigh hadn5t been the be+t mother to )aggie4 but 3 had a hard time belie2ing +he5d ma.e her daughter /eel guilt( /or that1 &+peciall( ,hen the blame +hould re+t on m( +houlder+ a/ter ,hat 3 did a /e, da(+ be/ore he dropped dead1 3 +hi2ered remembering1 3t ,a+ a 9edne+da( night and 3 had 0u+t lo+t m( ,hole /amil( t,o ,ee.+ prior1 3 +at out+ide the bar /or almo+t three hour+4 +uc.ing bac. a bottle o/ Lod.a4 ,aiting /or him to come out1 Finall(4 3 ga2e in and ,ent in+ide1 -hree hour+ o/ drin.ing m(+el/ into a +tupor ga2e me an ama%ing amount o/ courage1 3 mean thi+ ,a+ their /ather1 -heir /ather ,ho too. a,a( her innocence4 her tru+t4 and her lo2e a,a( /rom all o/ u+1 Fe +a, me immediatel( and .ne, +omething ,a+ ,rong1 35ll ne2er /orget hi+ /ace1 @>u.eKbo( thi+ i+n5t an( .ind o/ place /or (ou1 9h( don5t (ou get goingEA 3 +tumbled /or,ard4 getting into hi+ /ace1 @3 .no, ,hat (ou did to her1A Fe +,i2eled in hi+ chair4 ,a2ing me o//1 @3 don5t .no, ,hat (ou5re tal.ing about +on1A Fe loo.ed up to the bartender1 @=ohnn(4 thi+ here4 bo( i+ underage4A he lied1 Fe .ne, 3 turned t,ent(-one1 3 glanced up to the gu( tending bar1 @35m not here /or a drin. an(,a(1 35m here /or him1A -heir dad tilted hi+ /ace bac. to,ard me1 @*a( ,hat (ou ,ant to +a( and get out be/ore 3 do +omething ,e5ll both regret1A @3 hate (ou1 3 .no, ,hat (ou did to )aggie-(ou piece o/ +hit1 *he told me e2er(thing1 352e +ta(ed a,a( /or too long1 )( /amil( i+ gone4 )aggie i+ gone and it5+ (our /uc.ing /ault1 Get up4A 3 roared1 @)aggie5+ l(ing to (ou4 bo(1 *he ,a+ 0u+t loo.ing /or an excu+e to lea2e (our +orr( a++1 3 gue++ 3 ,a+ that rea+on1A 3 pu+hed m( +lee2e+ up to m( elbo,+1 @)aggie ne2er lied to me4 e2er in her li/e1 3 too. care o/ her better then (ou a++hole1 No, get the /uc. up be/ore 3 /orce (ou1A 35d +pat in hi+ /ace to ma.e him mo2e1 Fe did1 Fe pu+hed me bac.4 and +ince 3 ,a+ /eeling no pain it didn5t bother me1 @7ou5re +cum1 3 hate (ou4 (our daughter hate+ (ou4 and no, it5+ pa(bac. time1A 3 +lammed m( /i+t into hi+ /ace be/ore he could regi+ter ,hat ,a+ happening1 9ith each punch 3 +creamed out their name+1 @-hi+ i+ /or me-bam1 -hi+ i+ /or Phoebe-bam1 -hi+ i+ /or m( mom-bam1 -hi+ i+ /or m( dad-bam1A 3 too. a deep breath4 people ,ere gathered around1 <ne gu( had e2en attempted to pull me o//4 but 3 ,a+n5t mo2ing1 Becau+e 3 had one more punch1 @6nd thi+ i+ /or Blue4 (ou /uc.ing pric.-bamIA 35ll ne2er /orget that night1 -he blood1 Fi+ bu+ted up /ace1 Fe ne2er pre++ed charge+ and ,e both .ne, ,h(1 3 +hoo. m( head bringing me bac. to the moment1 @9hat did >eigh +a( to (ouEA *he +hrugged1 @6t /ir+t it ,ent o.a(1 9e tal.ed4 but then ,e ,ere +haring a bottle o/

,ine-and ,hen 3 +a( +hare4 3 mean 3 got one gla++1A *he li/ted her /ace and +adne++ ,a+ ,ritten all o2er her it1 @*he ne2er belie2ed ,hat 3 told her he5d done to me1 3 told her about all the time+ he5d tic.led me to /eel me up4 and 35d +cream /or her to get him o// me1 ?o (ou .no, ,hat +he +aidEA 3 had to clo+e m( e(e+1 3 ,anted to hold her4 be there /or her4 but hearing ho, her /ather abu+ed her tore me up in+ide1 @*he thought 3 ,a+ ha2ing /un1 *he ne2er thought an(thing o/ it1 *he told him ,hat 35d +aid a/ter 3 le/t4 and +he thin.+ he ne2er got o2er m( accu+ation4 that it cau+ed him too much +tre++ that he ,a+n5t +trong enough to handle it1A @-he man had problem+4 Blue1 3t ,a+n5t (our /ault1 Fe did thi+ to him+el/1A 3 reached out to touch her4 but thought better o/ it and pulled a,a(1 @6re (ou glad (ou ,entEA 3 a+.ed her1 *he +hrugged again1 @9hat5+ done i+ done4 rightE =erem( ,a+ al,a(+ the /a2orite1 Fe got e2er(thing1 3 got abu+ed b( m( 2er( o,n /ather4 and 3 ha2e a mother ,ho cho+e to belie2e him o2er me1A 3 inched clo+er and pic.ed up her +mall hand+ in mine1 @35m +orr(4 )aggie1 3 ,i+h 3 could52e done +omething1 6n(thing to .eep (ou a,a( /rom that1A *he +miled +o/tl(1 @3t5+ not (our /ault1 352e reall( tried to mo2e on1 3t5+ not +o hard an(more1 3 .no, it ,a+n5t m( /ault1 Fe ,a+ a +ic. man1 But +eeing her ,a+ m( ,a( o/ getting +ome +ort o/ clo+ure1 35m not +ure i/ 35ll go bac. an(time +oon though1A *he leaned into m( che+t4 +o 3 naturall( ,rapped m( arm+ around her1 3 +uc.ed in a breath and .i++ed the top o/ her head1 @35ll al,a(+ be here /or (ou4 )aggie1 7ou .no, that4 rightEA @7ou5re too good to me4A +he murmured into m( che+t1 @9hat are (ou going to do nextE >et5+ /ind +ome ba.ing cla++ or +omething /or (ou to ta.e1 3 mi++ (our ba.ing1A *he +ti//ened at m( :ue+tion4 ,hich cau+ed me to /ollo, +uit1 3 ,a+ a/raid to pull a,a(4 to hear the an+,er1 But4 3 ,aited1 *he +tu//ed her /ace deeper onto m( che+t1 @)ax called1 35m going to Ne, 7or. /or a /e, da(+1A @9hatEA 3 (elled4 0umping o// the bed1 @3t5+ +omething 3 need to do4 >u.e1 3 can5t mo2e /or,ard ,ith (ou-or ,ith him- i/ 3 don5t /igure out ,hat5+ running cra%( in+ide m( head1 3t5+ li.e a /reight train and 3 don5t .no, ho, to +top it1 35m +o con/u+ed and +cared1 3 hate /eeling li.e thi+4 hurting (ou1 3/ 3 +ta( ,ith (ou4 3 hurt him1 3/ 3 go to him4 3 hurt (ou1 3 can5t ,in1A 3 paced unable to +pea. /or +e2eral minute+ a+ 3 li+tened to her go on1 Finall(4 3 +aid4 @?id the other night mean nothing to (ouEA @</ cour+e1 >u.eKplea+e under+tand1A @7ou5re lea2ing me again4 aren5t (ouEA *he didn5t an+,er1 3 +tood +o clo+e4 3 could /eel her breath on m( nec.B 3 could hear her racing heart1 @?oe+ he ma.e (ou laugh4 )aggieE ?oe+ he .no, that 0u+t abo2e (our .nee i+ the onl( place that (ou5re tic.li+hE -hat it bring+ out the greate+t laugh 352e e2er heardEA )aggie +lumped onto the edge o/ the bed1 @?on5t4 >u.e4A +he begged1 3 .nelt in /ront o/ her4 +lipping bet,een her leg+1 @?o ,hat4 remind (ouEA *he tilted her /ace to,ard the ceiling4 and then dropped it to loo. at me1 )( hand+ ,ere

running up and do,n her thigh+1 @?on5t ma.e thi+ harder than it alread( i+1A @3 don5t .no,4 )aggie1 3 thought thi+ ,ould be ea+(1 7ou and me together again1 6t lea+t that5+ ,hat 3 thought ,ould happen4 but it5+ not1 3+ itE 6re (ou e2en planning on coming bac.EA 3 +po.e louder a+ +he +tood4 ,al.ing around me1 Needing to get out4 3 made m( ,a( to,ard the door1 *he latched onto m( hand a+ 3 ,ent to lea2e1 3 pau+ed to hear her an+,er1 @</ cour+e 35m coming bac.1 3t5+ 0u+t /or a /e, da(+1 3 need to do thi+ /or me1 For (ou1 Plea+e tell me (ou under+tandEA 3 turned a,a( /rom her4 hurt and di+gu+ted1 @<.a(4 )ag+4 (ou go do ,hat (ou need to do4 but 35m not +tic.ing the /uc. around to ,atch (ou lea2e again1 -ell =erem( to call me once (ou5re gone1A 3 +tormed out o/ the apartment4 unable to control m( emotion+1 *o man( ,ere racing through me right no,4 3 could barel( remember m( name1 3 /elt li.e the ,hole ,orld ,a+ ca2ing in around me again1 )( o,n per+onal ab(++ ,a+ coming4 and 3 couldn5t do a /uc.ing thing to +top it1

Chapter 15
)aggie 9hen >u.e ,al.ed out /uriou+ ,ith me4 3 /ell to the /loor cr(ing1 3 couldn5t blame him /or doing it4 but it +till hurt li.e hell to ,atch him lea2e1 3t ripped me in hal/ a+ he ,al.ed out o/ the bedroom4 but 3 couldn5t go on li.e thi+1 Fe didn5t come bac.1 3 called him +e2eral time+4 but he5d 0u+t pic. up and then end the call ,ithout +a(ing an(thing1 3t5d been t,o da(+ +ince 35d +een him4 and 3 ,a+ almo+t read( to head to the airport1 )ax in+i+ted on /l(ing me out +ince 3 didn5t ha2e a 0ob (et1 -han./ull(4 the gu(+ ,eren5t charging me rent1 3 hadn5t +een )ax in o2er a month4 and although 3 ,a+ .ind o/ excited4 3 ,a+ ner2ou+ to be near him1 6/raid he5d .no, 3 too. ad2antage o/ hi+ tru+t a+ +oon a+ he +a, me1 3t ,a+ hard enough not to crac. o2er the phone e2er( time he ,hi+pered hi+ lo2e /or me1 3 +till hadn5t +aid it bac.4 becau+e 3 +till ,a+n5t 1$$ percent po+iti2e that 3 returned the /eeling+1 3 .ne, 3 ,anted him in m( li/e4 but 3 ,a+n5t +ure in ,hat capacit(1 3 li.ed being ,ith himB he made me /eel good about m(+el/-+tronger1 Fe helped me get through a horrible time4 and 3 /elt li.e 3 o,ed him the truth4 to let the chip+ /all ,here the( ma(1 >u.e ,a+ the one thing con/u+ing me1 3 ,anted him +o badl(4 but 3 .ne, i/ ,e +tarted bac. up4 and +omething bad happened4 neither o/ u+ ,ould /air ,ell1 >u.e had al,a(+ been m( +a/et( net4 but it ,a+ time to gro, up and pro2e that 3 could do an(thing 35d +et m( mind to1 -hat 3 didn5t need +omeone to catch me an(more1 3 ,a+ in the .itchen drin.ing a cup o/ co//ee ,hen =erem( and ?ean came in1 3 chec.ed m( ,atch4 +urpri+ed1 @6re (ou gu(+ 0u+t getting home /rom la+t nightEA -he( exchanged a .no,ing loo.- +omething happened1 ?ean .i++ed me on the chee.4 but didn5t +mile li.e he al,a(+ did1 @Fa2e a good trip4 .iddo4A he +aid4 be/ore he +tal.ed o// to hi+ room1 @Fe(4A 3 called out1 @3 ba.ed +ome mu//in+1 -he(5re blueberr(4 (our /a2orite1A =erem(4 on the other hand4 appeared enraged1 9hich cau+ed me to +tumble +ome1 @9hat are (ou doing4 )aggieEA =erem( a+.ed4 +tepping o2er m( +uitca+e to get clo+er to me1 @9hat do (ou meanEA

@3 mean ,ith thi+ gu(E ?o (ou lo2e himEA 3 placed m( cup in the +in. to a2oid a +ho,do,n ,ith him1 @3 don5t .no,1 Fe5+ been reall( good to me1 3 o,e him +o much1A 3 /elt =er +tep clo+er to me1 @But do (ou lo2e himE Becau+e i/ (ou don5t .no,4 then (ou need to lea2e him alone1A @=erem(4 35m tr(ing to /igure +tu// out right no,1A @7ou5re .illing >u.e4 )aggie1 7ou ha2e no idea ,hat thi+ i+ doing to him4 but 3 do4 becau+e 3 +a, ,hat it did ,hen (ou le/t1 6nd 3 +ee ,hat it5+ doing to him no,1 9hen ,e /ound (ou4 3 could tell ho, much he ,anted (ou bac.1 -o dig him out o/ that hole he put him+el/ into1A @3 .no, 3 hurt >u.e1 3 don5t .no, ho, to /ix thi+ (et1A 3 pau+ed to turn around4 catching the loo. o/ di+dain he ,a+ gi2ing me1 @3 .no, >u.e mo2ed on e2entuall(1 Fe told me4A 3 mumbled1 @7eah4 he did1 &2er( ,ee.end he Hmo2ed on5 a/ter the +ix month+ it too. /or him to reali%e (ou ,eren5t coming bac.1A 3 grimaced picturing it1 @7ou thin. that5+ badE Fo, about ,atching him call (our loo.-ali.e (our name ,hen (our +ong came on at a bar one night1A 3 /linched1 @7eah4 )aggie4 ,e ,ere at a bar1 Fe pic.ed up thi+ chic.4 +ame height4 +ame hair color4 almo+t the +ame +mile a+ (ou1 7our +ong came on and clear a+ /uc.ing da(4 he held out hi+ hand and +aid to her4 H>et5+ go dance4 )ag+4 the(5re pla(ing our +ong15 ?ean and 3 didn5t e2en .no, ,hat to do1A @35m +orr(1 3 didn5t .no,1 3 /eel bad enough4 =erem(1 9h( are (ou doing thi+EA Fe .ept going1 @9e /inall( got him bac.4 then hi+ /amil( died4 and that +till haunt+ him4 but he +tarted to come bac.4 )aggie1A Fe pau+ed1 @?o (ou .no, ,here ,e ,ere la+t nightE 9e ,ere bailing hi+ +orr( a++ out o/ 0ail1 Fe ,ent to 0ail la+t night becau+e he ,a+ ,a+ted4 up+et and got into a /ight ,ith +ome chic.5+ bo(/riend1A @9hatE 9here i+ heEA 3 ,a+ +o up+et4 +o man( thing+ running around in+ide m( head a+ 3 tried to rationali%e ,hat 35d done1 @7ou don5t get to .no, that4 )aggie1 Fe doe+n5t ,ant (ou to .no,1 *o (ou need to /igure (our +hit out pronto4 becau+e 35m +orr( /or ,hat happened to (ou4 but 3 ,ill not let m( /riend go bac. do,n that road1 3 +,ear he ,a+ on a death mi++ion once (ou le/t4 and then he lo+t hi+ /amil(1 No /uc.ing ,a(1 Not again4 )aggie1 ?o (ou hear meEA he +creamed1 3 nodded4 unable to +a( an(thing1 -ear+ ran do,n m( chee.+ li+tening to him (ell at me1 6nd 3 .ne, 3 de+er2ed e2er( ,ord that he +aid1 =erem( had ne2er +po.en to me that ,a(-e2er1 3 ,a+ /ull-on +obbing4 +not running do,n m( /ace4 ,hen a horn hon.ed /rom out+ide1 =erem( glared out the ,indo,1 @>oo.+ li.e (our cab5+ here1 Better run o// to Ne, 7or.1A Grabbing m( +uitca+e o// the /loor4 3 +tarted /or the door4 but turned1 @35ll be bac. on -ue+da(1A =erem( ,al.ed o2er ,ithout +a(ing a ,ord4 +ho2ed me out the door4 and +lammed it +hut1 3 +tood there /or a +econd4 tr(ing to get hold o/ m(+el/4 but reali%ed 3 needed to do thi+1 3/ 3 could +a2e m( relation+hip ,ith >u.e thi+ ,a+ the /ir+t +tep1 Becau+e 3 did not plan on being that t,o-timing girl1 3 ,iped the tear+ /rom m( e(e+4 got in the cab to catch m( /light to )ax4 e2en though 3 ,a+ de+perate to +ta( and ,ait /or >u.e1 B( the time 3 landed4 it ,a+ alread( almo+t eight in the e2ening &a+t Coa+t time and pouring rain out+ide1 )ax ,a+ ,aiting do,n in baggage ,hen 3 +tepped o// the e+calator1 Fe embraced me be/ore m( /eet barel( hit the /loor1 Fe +mothered hi+ /ace into m( nec.4 inhaling

:uic.l(1 @Fe(4A he +aid4 grinning at me1 @Fe( (our+el/1A )ax grabbed m( bag /rom m( hand and draped hi+ arm o2er m( +houlder1 @3t5+ good to +ee (ou1 3t /eel+ li.e /ore2er1A 3 +miled up at him1 @7eah4 it +ure doe+1 -han.+ /or the plane tic.et1A 3n+tead o/ +a(ing an(thing4 he .i++ed me :uic.l(1 9e too. a cab bac. to )ax5+ apartment1 Fi+ place ,a+ al,a(+ much nicer than m( dump( little +hoebox1 &2en +o4 e2er( once in a ,hile 3 +till mi++ed ha2ing m( o,n place1 @*o4 the girl+ ,ant me to bring (ou b( later1 -he( mi++ (ou1 7ou up /or itEA )ax ne+tled me in hi+ arm+1 3 could tell b( the grin+ that he .ept gi2ing me that he ,anted to do more than 0u+t hold me tonight1 )ax told me about ,or.4 the girl+4 updating me on their li2e+ in m( ab+ence1 6pparentl( a ne, girl +tarted4 and her pre+ence ha+ brought out the green-e(ed mon+ter /rom +ome o/ the older girl+1 Fe told me that =imm( /inall( brought hi+ bo(/riend4 *te2en4 in one night thi+ ,ee.4 and that e2er(one reall( li.ed him1 6ccording to )ax4 the(5re a good match1 -hi+ brought a +mile to m( /ace4 happ( that =imm( /elt com/ortable enough ,ith hi+ +ta// to +ho, hi+ true color+1 6/ter dropping m( bag o// at hi+ place4 ,e grabbed +ome dinner be/ore going to the club1 Normall( )ax ,ould52e been ,or.ing thi+ ,ee.end4 but managed to +core the ,ee.end o// a/ter a ridiculou+ amount o/ begging1 9e entered through the club5+ +ide door meant onl( /or emplo(ee+1 9hen ,e +tepped into the diml( lit room4 *hannon +a, me4 in+tantl( lighting up on the +tage1 *he ga2e me her +ignature ,in.1 3 +miled and ,a2ed1 @9ell4 it5+ about damn time (ou got that cute little a++ bac. here4A a /amiliar 2oice +ounded /rom behind me1 3 turned around to +ee =imm(4 +tanding 2er( clo+e to a hand+ome (oung hottie ,ho had to be *te2e1 @35m glad (ou5re here4 +,eet thing1A =imm( +aid1 @3/ 3 heard one more thing about ho, much thi+ .id mi++ed (ou4 3 ,a+ going to /ire him1 Fe ,a+ bringing e2er(one do,n1A @6,,4A 3 +aid4 ,rapping m( arm around )ax5+ ,ai+t1 )ax .i++ed the top o/ m( head4 and then ordered u+ drin.+1 3 /elt the guilt +tart to ,or. it+ ,a( through ,ith each glance4 each touch4 each ,ord1 3t ,a+n5t until a/ter one in the morning4 and +e2eral drin.+4 ,hen *hannon managed to pull me up on +tage ,ith her1 Full( dre++ed1 -he( tried to con2ince me to +lip into one o/ m( old co+tume+ bac. +tage4 but that ,a+n5t happening1 9hen the light+ hit4 and *hannon tugged me clo+er to her and the pole4 +omething changed in me1 &2er(one ,a+ hooting and hollering to get me to dance4 and ,hen 3 did4 3 /elt more /ree than 3 had in a long time1 ?on5t a+. me ,h(4 3 0u+t did1 9ith each mo2e4 each l(ric4 each beat o/ the mu+ic +omething /aded a,a(1 35d al,a(+ thought 3 had the+e huge neon letter+ on m( /orehead that told people 3 ,a+ abu+ed1 9ith each dance tho+e color+ dimmed1 3t /elt li.e no one could +ee tho+e blin.ing letter+ 3 thought the( all could +ee1 3 danced three +ong+ be/ore )ax (an.ed me do,n4 grinning /rom ear to ear4 be/ore he .i++ed me +o hard it too. m( breath a,a(1 3 +miled ,hen he pulled a,a(1 Per+piration dripping do,n m( /ace4 but it ,a+ exhilarating1 -he ne, girl turned out to be Phoebe1 *he .ne, 35d ,or.ed there4 and apparentl( her audition+ ,eren5t going a+ planned and +he needed the mone(1 No ,onder the( ,ere all 0ealou+1 *he reall( ,a+ +tunning1 9ait until 3 told ?ean1 *adl(4 +he didn5t e2en a+. ho, he ,a+ doing1

<nce bac. at hi+ place4 )ax grabbed a bottle o/ ,ater /rom the /ridge be/ore tugging me into hi+ bedroom1 Fe to++ed the ,ater onto the bed4 e(ebro,+ rai+ed4 a+ he grinned at me1 @Get o2er here4A he +aid in hi+ +ex(4 hu+.( 2oice1 6+ 3 +tepped clo+er4 he pulled me into him4 cra+hing hi+ lip+ onto mine1 Fi+ hand+ roamed m( bod(4 under m( +hirt until he /ound ,hat he ,anted1 Fe cupped m( brea+t+ ,ith both hand+1 6 moment later4 he had m( bra uncla+ped4 (an.ing o// m( +hirt1 @3 mi++ed (ou4 )aggie1 3 mi++ed thi+1A Fi+ lip+ /ound mine again4 and 3 tried to concentrate on him4 3 did4 but 3 .ept hearing =erem( +creaming at me4 +eeing the pain on >u.e5+ /ace ,hen 3 told him 3 ,a+ going to 2i+it )ax1 3 pulled a,a(4 but )ax (an.ed me bac. to him1 Fe bac.ed me up to hi+ bed4 +o/tl( pu+hing me do,n until he ,a+ l(ing on top o/ me1 3 turned m( head4 tr(ing to /igure out ,hat to do4 but hi+ /inger+ grabbed m( chin to ma.e me /ocu+ on him1 @Fe(4 ,hat5+ ,rongEA 3 +hoo. m( head4 tr(ing to +top the tear+1 @Nothing1 35m 0u+t tired4 3 gue++4A 3 lied1 @<h4A he pulled bac. re+ting on out+tretched palm+ ho2ering o2er me1 Fe +tudied m( /ace /or a minute4 then +aid4 @?o (ou 0u+t ,ant to go to +leep4 thenEA @?o (ou mindE 3t5+ been a reall( long da(1A GreatI No, 3 ,a+ ma.ing lame excu+e+ to a2oid ha2ing +ex ,ith him1 @No4 babe1 3 don5t mind1A Fe .i++ed me +o/tl( on the lip+ and then rolled o// the bed4 heading /or the bathroom1 9hat ,a+ ,rong ,ith meE 3 had thi+ man4 thi+ beauti/ul4 +ex( man ,ho ,anted me4 ,ho mi++ed me4 and 3 couldn5t do it1 3 couldn5t do it to >u.e1 9hat ,a+ 3 going to doE 3 had to choo+e4 ma.e a deci+ion1 6 choice that ,a+ going to cru+h one o/ them1 3 /elt +o a,/ul4 +o mean4 +o tra+h(4 +o di+lo(al4 +o empt(4 and +o di+gu+ting1 6nd it reall( tic.ed me o//4 +ince the dancing had me +o 0a%%ed earlier that 3 ne2er ,anted to come o// that high1 6nd >u.e mi++ed +eeing it1 But e2entuall(4 3 did1 -he next da( ,a+ +pent ,al.ing through Central Par. becau+e he .ne, ho, much 3 lo2ed it1 9e grabbed hot dog+ and +oda+ /rom one o/ the +tand+1 )ax e2en brought a +mall .nap+ac. ,ith a plaid blan.et1 @3 ha2e re+er2ation+ /or dinner tonight at eight1 3 hope that5+ o.a( ,ith (ouEA 3 +pent the entire da( ,atching e2er( mo2e that )ax made4 loo.ing /or the one thing to ma.e m( deci+ion ea+ier1 3t ,a+ impo++ible to /ind a /la,-he ,a+ per/ect1 @</ cour+e1 9here are ,e goingEA Fe grinned1 @6h4 but that5+ a +urpri+e1A 3 +miled and bit into m( hot dog1 @3 called the ho+pital to +ee i/ (ou could +top b( /or an hour tomorro,1 3 thought (ou5d li.e to do that again1A 3 ,iped the mu+tard o// m( mouth1 @<h m( God1 -hat5+ per/ect1 3 lo2e that idea1 7ou reall( thin. o/ e2er(thing4 don5t (ouEA 6nd that right there ,a+ ,h( )ax had meant +o much to me1 Fe .ne, exactl( ,hat to do to ma.e me happ(1 Fo,e2er4 it al+o made m( deci+ion to pic. one +hot to hell1 Fe +miled but didn5t an+,er1 )( +mile +aid enough1 Fe5d made me happ(1 6 /e, hour+ later )ax ,a+ in the +ho,er getting read( /or our date ,hen m( phone dinged1 3t ,a+ a me++age /rom =erem(1 )ag+4 come home plea+e1 >u.e need+ to +ee (ou1 3 tapped on the bathroom door1 @Fe(4 )ax4 3 ha2e a call 3 need to ma.e1 3+ it o.a( i/ 3 go

out onto the balcon(EA Fe +tuc. hi+ head out /rom the curtain1 @7ou don5t need to a+.1A 6+ +oon a+ 3 +tepped out+ide4 3 tapped in hi+ number1 =erem( an+,ered on the /ir+t ring1 @)aggie4 (ou need to come home1 >u.e ha+ been /uc.ing going balli+tic that (ou actuall( ,ent bac.1A @*hitIA 3 paced the little balcon(1 @9hat ,ould (ou li.e me to do4 =erE )( /light i+n5t until -ue+da(1A @3 don5t .no,4 )aggie1 ?ean and 3 came home and >u.e ,a+ pa++ed out in bed1 9e thought he ,a+ 0u+t drun.4 but then hi+ bottle o/ Danax ,a+ on the /loor-empt(1 3t ,a+ empt(4 )aggie1A 3 almo+t dropped the phone1 9hat had 3 doneE @<h GodI <h GodI Plea+e tell me he5+ o.a(4 =erem(EA @7eah1 Fe ,a+ +till con+ciou+4 but 3 had to +tic. m( /inger do,n hi+ throat1 Fe5+ all right1 9e got to him in time1 -he( don5t thin. he too. enough to .ill him4 but it ,a+n5t good1 ?o (ou thin. (ou could come bac. and tal. to himE 3 .no, (ou got +hit going on ,ith )ax4 but ma(be (ou +hould tal. to >u.e be/ore ma.ing an(thing permanent1 3 .no, >u.e i+n5t (our problem but he need+ (ou4 )ag+1 Fe ,on5t +a( it4 but he doe+1A @<.a(4 35ll /igure +omething out1 35ll get on the next po++ible /light1A 3 heard him +igh in relie/1 @Good1 Fe5+ +leeping it o// at the ho+pital /or the night4 but he5+ being relea+ed tomorro, morning1 *o4 0u+t tr( and be bac. a+ +oon a+ (ou can4 o.a(EA @7eah4A 3 an+,ered4 but =erem( had alread( hung up1 @&2er(thing goodEA 3 0umped ,hen )ax a+.ed /rom behind me1 @No4 it5+ not1 3 ha2e to go home tomorro,1 3t5+ >u.e1A )ax ga2e me the are you "i in# me loo.1 3t ,a+n5t until 3 /ollo,ed him in+ide that he turned on hi+ heel+ to :ue+tion me1 @9hat5+ the deal ,ith himEA @Fe almo+t <?5d la+t night1 Fe5+ o.a(4 but he5+ up+et1A 3 +hoo. m( head in di+belie/1 @3 ha2e to go1A @7ou don5t o,e him an(thing4 babe1 -hi+ ,a+ +uppo+ed to be our ,ee.end1 <ur time together4 and he5+ ruining it1A @3 .no,1 But 3 can5t let him do,n again1 Not no,1 Not a/ter e2er(thing1A @9h( not no,EA Fe /ixed hi+ e(e+ on me4 and 3 +a, the +u+picion in hi+ e(e+1 @?id +omething happen that 3 +hould to .no, aboutEA -hi+ ,a+ m( chance to come clean1 -o let it all out4 but +taring into tho+e +ad e(e+4 3 couldn5t bring m(+el/ to +a( the ,ord+1 -o cau+e him pain1 3 ,a+ +uch a co,ard that 3 ,a+ beginning to dete+t m(+el/1 3 +hoo. m( head4 unable to /ace him1 @No1 Fe5+ a good /riend and he need+ m( help1 3 +hould52e been there ,hen hi+ /amil( died4 and 3 ,a+n5t1 3 need to ma.e up /or that1A Fe +hrugged1 @<.a(1 35ll go ,ith (ou1A @NoIA 3 blurted out ,a( too /a+t1 @3 mean111(ou ha2e to ,or. and +tu//1A 3 +aid4 tr(ing to co2er up the real rea+on ,h( 3 ,anted him to +ta( a,a(1 >u.e ,ould ne2er /orgi2e me1 6nd 3 +o needed him to1 @9hat are (ou doing4 )aggieEA @Nothing1 3t5+ nothing1A )ax grumbled +omething 3 didn5t under+tand4 but turned bac. around to /ini+h getting read( /or dinner1 -he dinner +urpri+eE Je+er2ation+ at -he Pla%a1

<nce ,e ,ere +eated4 )ax too. m( hand in hi+4 ma.ing little circle+ on m( palm1 <ur table ,a+ +et /or /our1 35d barel( un/olded the nap.in acro++ m( lap ,hen an older coupled 0oined u+1 -he re+emblance ,a+ uncann(1 )ax +miled a+ he +tood to .i++ her on the chee.1 @)om4 ?ad4 thi+ i+ )aggie1A 3 almo+t cho.ed on m( o,n +ali2a1 Fo, could he do thi+E 3 +tood up to greet them1 )ax had hi+ /ather5+ +tri.ing /acial /eature+4 but he had hi+ mother5+ e(e+ and hair color1 @3t5+ lo2el( to meet (ou4 )aggie1 )ax ha+ all good thing+ to +a(4A hi+ mother +po.e +o/tl(4 e(eing me up1 )ax turned to me1 @3 ha2e +omething 3 ,anted to tal. to (ou about1 3 ,a+ going to do thi+ pri2atel( tomorro,4 but +ince (ou5re hell-bent on lea2ing4 35d li.e to tal. to (ou about it no,1 6nd m( /ol.+ ha2e been itching to meet (ou1 -he(5re in to,n /or a ca+e m( dad i+ con+ulting on1A 3 bit do,n ner2ou+l( on m( lip1 3 thought 3 +hould loo. /or a +mall blue box4 but then laughed at m(+el/1 @*ure1A Fe held m( ga%e1 @3 got to thin.ing about (ou not li2ing here and ho, (ou don5t ha2e a 0ob (et1 9hat ,ould (ou +a( i/ 3 ,ere to o//er (ou the mone( to +tart up a ba.er(EA *hoc.ed4 3 a+.ed1 @9hat are (ou tal.ing aboutEA Fe pulled m( other hand into hi+1 @-here5+ a catch1 >i.e 3 +aid4 it ,ould be here ,ith menot in Chicago1 3 thought long and hard about thi+4 )aggie1A Fe glanced o2er to hi+ /ather4 +miling4 and then nodded1 @)( dad alread( agreed to lend u+ the mone(1 7ou could open up a +mall +hop in the Lillage or in Broo.l(n1 3 don5t care ,here1 35d lo2e to do thi+ /or (ou1 For u+1 -o get (ou bac. here1A @But4A 3 peered do,n at our con0oined hand+4 unable to gra+p ,hat he5d o//ered1 3 ,a+ unable to /ace hi+ parent+1 3 ,a+ +tunned4 +hoc.ed1 3 ,a+ +peechle++1 3 leaned clo+er4 ,hi+pering4 @7ou +aid (ou5d ne2er go to (our dad /or a handout1A Fe rai+ed m( hand+4 .i++ing the tip+ o/ .nuc.le+4 +miling1 @-hing+ change1A 3 +hoo. m( head 2ehementl(1 @3 can5t1 3 ,on5t a+. (ou to do that1 6nd 3 don5t .no, i/ 3 could come bac. (et1 =erem( and >u.e111A Fe cut me o//1 @=erem( and >u.e are big bo(+4 babe1 7ou don5t need to ta.e care o/ an(one but (our+el/1A Fe ,a+ right and 3 .ne, it4 but 3 /elt +uch a re+pon+ibilit( to,ard them no,4 that 3 0u+t couldn5t lea2e them1 @3 don5t thin. it ,ould ,or.1 3 ha2e no bu+ine++ +en+e1 3 ,ouldn5t e2en .no, ,here to begin4A 3 /umbled ,ith each ,ord4 tr(ing to ma.e +en+e o/ e2er(thing he ,a+ o//ering me4 but ,a+ in+tead getting more up+et thin.ing about it1 @>i+ten1 3 can1A he +aid4 e(e+ on me1 @3 agreed to go bac. to la, +chool i/ he loaned me the mone(1A 3 +tood :uic.l(1 @9hatE No1 3 ,on5t let (ou change /or me4 )ax1A Fi+ parent+ ga+ped ,hen 3 rai+ed m( 2oice1 Fe told me +o man( time+ he didn5t ,ant to be a la,(er4 3 ,a+ not pu+hing him to,ard it1 @3 can5t belie2e (ou ,ould do thi+1 -hi+ i+ not ho, 3 ,anted it to happen1A Fe +hu+hed and nudged me bac. do,n to m( +eat4 glancing around the room1 Fe loo.ed embarra++ed b( m( outbur+t1 @*o4 (ou5d rather ,ither a,a( in Chicago ,ith (our brother and hi+ /riend+EA @-hat5+ not /air4 )ax1A @&xcu+e u+ /or a moment4 ,on5t (ouEA he +aid to hi+ parent+ a+ he led me a,a( /rom the table1 God4 ,ho ,a+ thi+E Fe ,a+ acting +o di//erent around them1 9here ,a+ m( lighthearted4 /un )axE

<nce in the hall,a(4 he too. me to the +ide1 @9h( couldn5t (ou ma.e lo2e to me la+t nightE 9ere (ou reall( tired4 )aggieEA @3 can5t ha2e thi+ con2er+ation here1 Fo, could (ou +pring them on meE 6nd the loanE Fo, could (ouEA @Fine4A he +napped1 @9ait here1A Fe ,ent bac. in+ide but came out a /e, minute+ later4 clearl( up+et1 3 ,a+ +till tr(ing to /igure out ,hat the hell ,a+ going on1 9hat ,a+ he thin.ingE 3 .no, ho, he /elt /or me4 ho, much he mi++ed me4 but thi+ ,a+ too much1 Fe grabbed m( hand and pulled me out onto the bu+tling cit( +treet+1 9ithout +topping4 he hailed a cab1 -he ride bac. ,a+ +ilent4 but 3 could hear mu//led +,earing coming /rom hi+ +ide o/ the car4 ma.ing me 0ump(1 Fe+itantl(4 3 /ollo,ed him up+tair+1 <nce ,e ,ere in+ide4 he turned to me1 @Can (ou ha2e the con2er+ation hereEA @7eah4A 3 ,himpered1 Fe rai+ed one e(ebro,4 +urpri+ed1 @Good1 No, an+,er m( la+t :ue+tion1A @Becau+e 35m con/u+ed1A @7ou5re con/u+ed about ,hatE )eEA @7e+1A Fe ran a hand through hi+ hair and paced in /ront o/ me1 @-hat5+ great4 )aggie1 35m +tanding here o//ering (ou me4 (our dream4 and (ou5re /uc.ing con/u+ed1A Fe +tarted to +lam hi+ /i+t to the ,all behind me4 but +topped ,hen he +a, m( /ace1 3 /linched at hi+ reaction1 @3t5+ not that +imple4 )ax1 3 care /or (ou1 3 do1 3t5+ 0u+t +o much ha+ happened that 35m not +ure ,hat5+ be+t /or me1 3 don5t thin. it5+ /air to ma.e (ou thin. other,i+e1 3 ,ant (ou in m( li/e4 but 35m not ta.ing a handout /rom (our dad1 6nd 3 am not letting (ou go do,n that road that (ou ne2er ,anted to be on1 7ou52e helped me through +o much4 )ax1 3t5+ 0u+t >u.e and 3111A Fe +tepped up4 +topping me /rom /ini+hing4 and grabbed m( chin in hi+ /inger+1 @?o (ou lo2e me4 )aggieEA @31113 care /or (ou deepl(1A @Fuc.IA Fe +tormed pa+t me to,ard the /ront door1 @9here are (ou goingEA @<ut1 7ou can ta.e m( bed1 35ll +leep on the couch ,hen 3 get bac.1A <nl( )ax ne2er came bac. that night1 3 ,aited until m( cab pulled up to ta.e me to the airport1 3 le/t a note on hi+ bed telling him ho, +orr( 3 ,a+4 and ho, much 3 ,i+h 3 could ta.e him up on hi+ o//er4 but it 0u+t ,a+n5t po++ible right no,1 -here ,a+ no ,a( he ,a+ /ooting the bill /or m( dream1 3 ,anted to ma.e +omething o/ m(+el/ on m( o,n1

Chapter 1$
>u.e 3 /elt +tupid ,hen =erem( told me he5d called )aggie1 -he la+t thing 3 needed ,a+ her pit(4 but apparentl( 35d a+.ed /or her ,hile 3 ,a+ out o/ it1 3 hone+tl( had no intention+ to .ill m(+el/1 3 0u+t do,ned one too man( pill+ ,ith a gla++ o/ =ac. to numb m(+el/1 )aggie running o// to Ne, 7or. to be ,ith him ,a+ brea.ing m( heart1 3 couldn5t bear to lo+e her again1 Not a/ter e2er(thing 35d been through1 3 couldn5t +a2e m( /amil(4 but 3 +ure a+ hell could +a2e her1 3/ +he ,ould onl( let me1

-hat one night ,ith )aggie rea,a.ened e2er( bit o/ me1 -here ,a+ +omething about )aggie that made me /eel li.e 3 ,ouldn5t ma.e it ,ithout her1 3 couldn5t breathe ,hen +he ,a+n5t in m( li/e1 3t had been t,o damn (ear+ +ince 35d /elt +o good4 +o ali2e1 3 ,a+n5t read( to let it +lip a,a( again1 Not ,hen it ,a+ +o clo+e that 3 could reach out and grab hold o/ it1 =erem( /orced me to lie do,n ,hile he ,ent /or grocerie+1 ?ean ,a+ m( guard dog /or the hour to ma.e +ure 3 didn5t tr( an(thing +tupid1 -here ,a+n5t much 3 could do +ince all m( pill+ ,ere gone4 and the doctor ,ouldn5t ,rite me another pre+cription1 -hat thought normall( ,ould ha2e me in panic mode1 But4 3 decided 3 ,a+ read( to gi2e up m( 2ice+1 *o ,hen the door bounced open4 the la+t per+on 35d expected to +ee ,a+ )aggie1 But there +he ,a+4 +taring at me /rom the /ront door4 tear+ in her e(e+1 Fer bag dropped to the /loor4 and +he ,al.ed :uic.l( o2er to me1 @6re (ou o.a(E 9hat ,ere (ou thin.ing4 >u.eEA @-han.+4 =er4A 3 +aid to m(+el/ and then /orced m(+el/ to +tare into her bab( blue+1 @<b2iou+l( 3 ,a+n5t4 )ag+1 Nice o/ (ou to come home to chec. on me1A @'noc. it o// right no,4 >u.e )atthe,+1A *he leaned o2er4 +ho2ing m( leg+ bac. again+t the couch +o +he could +it in /ront o/ me1 @9hat happenedEA @Nothing1 3 too. +ome Danax ,ith m( old /riend =ac. and 3 gue++ it ,a+ too much1 35m /ine1 7ou didn5t need to come home1 3 thought (ou ,ere +ta(ing a /e, da(+1A @?on5t (ou dare tr( and change the +ub0ect1 3 0umped on +tand-b( to get home1 No,4 ,h( do (ou ha2e DanaxEA @9h( do (ou +mo.eEA 9hen +he didn5t re+pond4 3 +ighed1 @3 don5t ,ant to do thi+ right no,4 )aggie1A 3 ,anted her b( m( +ide4 but not li.e thi+1 Not all uppit( and 0udgmental1 3 ,a+ al+o pi++ed that a++hole got t,o night+ ,ith her1 3t made m( +.in cra,l to thin. about him touching her the ,a( +he5d let me a /e, night+ ago1 *he /ell onto her +ide4 +cooting in /ront o/ me4 pulling m( arm o2er her ,ai+t1 @*top being mad at me4 and +top acting li.e a 0er.1A 3 could hear her cr(ing and it bro.e m( heart1 3 +ti//ened ,hile holding her4 e2en though holding her came a+ natural a+ breathing1 @-hat5+ the thing4 though1 3 am mad at (ou4 )aggie1A @3 .no, (ou are4A +he ,hi+pered1 *he tightened her grip on m( /orearm1 @9h( did (ou ha2e to goEA @Becau+e 3 needed to go /or me4 /or him4 /or (ou1 3 ne2er lo2ed an(one but (ou4 and )ax helped me +o much1 3 o,ed him that 2i+it1 3 ,anted to /eel guilt( about being ,ith (ou4 but 3 didn5t1 3 mean4 3 did a little4 but 3 0u+t needed to +ee him1 3 /eel li.e +uch a ,hore1A *he +tarted to cr(4 +o 3 pulled her in clo+er1 @7ou5re not a ,hore1A 3 pau+ed4 .i++ing the bac. o/ her head1 @)aggie4 GodI ?o (ou ha2e an( idea ho, hard it i+ /or me to loo. at (ou and .no, that (ou ,ere ,ith him a/ter lea2ing me and ,hat ,e didE 3 .no, 3 +hould 0u+t be happ( that (ou5re ali2e and bac.4 but 3 can5t get the image out o/ m( head1A *he ,a+ +ilent /or a minute4 but then ,hi+pered4 @3 ,a+n5t1 3 couldn5t be ,ith him1A *he curled into me4 and 3 could hear her +o/t ,himpering1 3 pulled do,n the blan.et o2er u+ and didn5t +a( an(thing el+e4 +ince in m( head 35d +tarted to rationali%e ,hat +he5d been going through1 6nd part o/ me did under+tand her moti2e+1 Fe5d been the one to /ix her thi+ time4 and +he ,a+ al,a(+ lo(al to a /ault1 3 made m( deci+ion a+ 3 held her1 3/ +he reall( ,anted )ax4 3 ,ould let her go1 3t ,ould +uc.4 but 35d do it i/ it meant +eeing a +mile on her /ace1 =erem( returned an hour later4 mo2ing around the /ront o/ the +o/a to +a( +omething to me4 but 3 held up a /inger to .eep him :uiet1 )aggie ,a+ /a+t a+leep tuc.ed under m( arm1 Fe

rai+ed hi+ e(ebro,+1 @3 +ee (ou had a happ( reunion1 7ou glad 3 called her no,EA he +aid :uietl(4 a +hit-eating4 3-told-(ou-+o grin on hi+ /ace1 3 /lipped him o//4 but +hot him a +mile be/ore he ,al.ed a,a(1 *el/i+hl(4 3 ,a+ glad he called her1 3 had no idea ho, much +eeing her4 holding her ,ould /ix the gaping hole in m( che+t1 3 al+o had no idea ,hat in the ,orld ,a+ going on in+ide that beauti/ul head o/ her+4 but 3 ,a+ ,illing to /igure it out1 -here ,a+ no ,a( 35d +top no,1 Not until +he told me to1 @9hat are (ou thin.ing aboutEA )aggie a+.ed4 pulling me out o/ a memor(1 3 grinned and +miled do,n at her1 @7ou5re a,a.e4 huhEA *he +miled bac. +heepi+hl(4 nodding1 @3 ,a+ thin.ing about that time that (ou bro.e both (our ,ri+t+ on m( trampoline1A *he laughed +o/tl(1 @Fo, could 3 /orgetE 7ou and =erem( had to carr( m( /ood to the ca/eteria4 help me eat4 and ta.e note+ /or me /or eight ,ee.+1A @7eah4 that ,a+ nice1A *he +at up4 hitting m( che+t1 @NiceEA @7eah4 3 li.ed ta.ing care o/ (ou1 &2en ,hen 3 ,a+ onl( thirteen1 -he point i+4 3 +till do1A @7ou5re ridiculou+4A +he +aid4 but +he +miled and +nuggled into m( che+t1 3 rubbed circle+ on her bac.4 tr(ing to get her to +leep1 3t ,a+ +omething that al,a(+ ,or.ed ,hen ,e ,ere togetherB u+uall(4 +he5d be out ,ithin ten minute+1 But it ,a+n5t ,or.ing thi+ time4 and 3 could tell +he had +omething on her mind1 @3+ it too earl( to a+. ,hat happened in Ne, 7or.EA *he +ta(ed :uiet /or a /ull minute be/ore +he an+,ered4 @7eah4 it5+ too earl( to a+.1A @<.a(1A -hat ,a+ a good-enough an+,er /or me1 *omething ,ent do,n4 and 3 +ure a+ hell hoped it tipped the odd+ in m( /a2or1 <nce )aggie ,ent into her room4 ?ean and =erem( .ic.ed me o// the couch to pla( Call of Duty1 3 +till /elt li.e +hit but too. it a+ m( cue to +ho,er1 -he +ho,er did +ome good4 but 3 ,a+n5t :uite up /or an(thing cra%(1 35d be happ( to lie bac. and let ,hate2er )aggie had up her +lee2e happen1 3 could tell earlier that ,hate2er had gone do,n in Ne, 7or. ,a+ up+etting her4 but 3 al+o +a, hope ,hen +he5d li/ted her beauti/ul /ace to +mile at me1 Cntil +he told me no 3 ,a+n5t going to gi2e up1 3/ +he ,anted out-/ine1 35d deal1 But 3 ,a+n5t go do,n ,ithout a /ight1 9hen 3 emerged4 )aggie ,a+ at the /ront door pa(ing /or a pi%%a and the t,o numb+.ull+ 3 called m( be+t /riend+ ,ere +till battling it out on the Dbox1 6+ +oon a+ +he +a, me4 +he +miled that prett( little +mile o/ her+ and held up the pi%%a1 @3 got (our /a2oriteM meatball4 +au+age4 and pepperoni1 @6nd that i+ ,h( 3 lo2e (ou1A )aggie blu+hed4 then turned4 grabbed /our plate+ do,n and then crac.ed open t,o beer+1 3 ,ent to reach /or one4 but +he +mac.ed m( hand a,a(1 @Not /or (ou1A 3 tried to gi2e her m( be+t pout( /ace4 but +he ,a+n5t ha2ing an( o/ it1 @-hat /ace i+ not going to ,or.4 )atthe,+1A *he pranced b( me to hand the beer+ to the gu(+1 9hen +he came bac. around4 +he reached in the /ridge and handed me a bottle o/ ,ater1 @-han.+4A 3 muttered1 9ho ,a+ 3 .iddingE *he ,a+ right1 3 +houldn5t be drin.ing (et1 @3 got to thin.ing ,hile 3 ,a+ in the +ho,er1A *he held up her hand+ pla(/ull(1 @<h4 no4 (ou ,ere thin.ingEA @*marta++1 6re (ou planning on +ta(ing around /or a ,hileEA @7eah4A +he an+,ered +o/tl(1

@7ou need a 0ob4 and one o/ the girl+ the( hired :uit be/ore +he e2en +tarted1 *o 3 could help (ou out1 3t5+ not much4 but the( ma.e good tip+1A @9h(5d +he :uit i/ the tip+ ,ere going to be goodEA @35m 0u+t going to be hone+t ,ith (ou1 3t ,a+ m( /ault1 *he ,a+ pi++ed at me /or +omething4 and +he didn5t ,ant to be around me1A @9hat the hec. did (ou doEA 3 too. a long +,ig o/ ,ater1 @7ou don5t need the detail+1 3t ,a+ a long time ago1A 3 thought /or +ure +he ,a+ going to .eep pre++ing4 but +he +ta(ed :uiet4 ,atching me eat /or another minute1 3 didn5t thin. it ,a+ imperati2e that )aggie .ne, that 35d been +o bombed one time a/ter +he di+appeared that 3 called another girl the ,rong name all night4 e2en during +ex1 Fell4 3 ,ouldn5t e2en ha2e .no,n i/ the girl hadn5t le/t me a +cathing 2oicemail the next da(1

Chapter 17
)aggie 35d been exhau+ted /rom m( boxing cla++ ,hen 3 got to ,or.1 -hat ,a+ +omething 3 re/u+ed to gi2e up1 3t helped me /eel /earle++1 6/ter grabbing a :uic. +ho,er4 ?ean dropped me o//1 3 grabbed a bottle o/ ,ater /rom behind the bar a+ mu+ic /illed the room4 then got to ,or.1 3 hadn5t heard /rom )ax +ince the t,o ,ee.+ 35d been home1 Fe hadn5t tried to call4 +o 3 too. that a+ a +ign he ,a+ through ,ith me1 *o man( time+ 3 pic.ed up m( cell to reach out to him4 but then decided again+t it1 Fe ,a+ probabl( better o// ,ithout me1 35d been horrible to him1 But 3 ,a+ al+o in/uriated that he5d put me on the +pot the ,a( he had ,ith hi+ /ol.+1 3 couldn5t blame him /or tr(ing1 3t ,a+ 0u+t too much1 3 hadn5t e2en told him 3 lo2ed him and he ,a+ o//ering me e2er(thing1 3 had a hard time ma.ing head+ or tail+ o/ it1 But4 3 mi++ed hi+ /riend+hip1 3 ,a+n5t +ure ,hat it ,a+ about him4 but a+ more time pa++ed4 it became more ob2iou+ ,hat he5d meant to me1 )ax had /illed the role a+ +omeone to lean on-to com/ort me 0u+t a+ =erem(4 ?ean and >u.e al,a(+ had1 Fe ,a+ the li/eline that .ept me going /or tho+e +ix month+4 although )ax en0o(ed +ome non-brotherl( bonu+e+1 But that5+ ,hat it ,a+1 Fe too. care o/ me4 ,atched o2er me li.e the( ,ould52e done1 6nd 3 /elt horrible /or letting him ta.e on that role1 6nd 3 /elt e2en more horrible /or hurting and letting do,n another good per+on +econdar( to m( i++ue+1 9e ,ere onl( intimate a /e, time+ and e2en though the( ,ere great4 it ,a+ onl( me tr(ing to pu+h /or,ard4 to /orget m( pa+t1 3/ onl(1 Part o/ me ,anted to be ,ith )ax to +ee i/ there ,a+ more than >u.e out in the ,orld /or me1 Could 3 e2er lo2e +omeone a+ much a+ 3 lo2ed himE 9ould it be di//erent4 /eel di//erentE Could 3 reall(4 trul( mo2e on /rom >u.eE But )ax ,a+n5t the one1 3 .ne, that no,1 @7ou5re almo+t empt(4 )aggie1 >et me get (ou +ome more4A >u.e (elled out o2er the band pla(ing in the bac.ground1 *hooter+ ,a+ bu+( tonight1 9all-to-,all people4 here to li+ten to the mu+ic1 >u.e e(ed m( che+t popping out o/ m( +hirt1 @*top loo.ing4A 3 ,arned1 Fe +hrugged1 @9ell4 at lea+t it5+ better than tho+e out/it+ in Ne, 7or.1A 3 narro,ed m( e(e+ at him1 @7eah4 ,hate2er1A Fe chuc.led a+ 3 ,al.ed a,a( ,ith a tra( /ull o/ +hot+1 )( /eet ,ere .illing me in the heel+ the( re:ue+ted ,e ,ear1 6t the end o/ the night4 3 plopped do,n4 exhau+ted a/ter onl( m( +econd night o/ ,or.1 3 /lic.ed m( +hoe+ onto the /loor

and counted m( tip+1 >u.e +trolled lei+urel( o2er4 a +mile on hi+ /ace1 Fe grabbed the bar rag draped o2er hi+ +houlder and +tarted to clean the area in /ront o/ me1 @Fo,5d (ou doEA @Prett( good1 &nough to bu( (ou a drin. ,hen ,e get out o/ here1A Fi+ e(ebro,+ +hot up4 a genuine loo. o/ +urpri+e on hi+ /ace1 @7ou ,ant to bu( me a drin.EA @*ure4A 3 +aid4 +hrugging1 @9hat are /riend+ /orEA &2en though he /ro,ned ,hen 3 +aid the ,ord frien s, a +mall +mile e+caped a moment later1 9ithin /ort(-/i2e minute+4 ,e ,ere acro++ to,n at a club that +ta(ed open until the ,ee hour+1 3t ,a+n5t +omeplace 35d e2er been4 but had heard about /rom the bo(+1 >u.e had been :uiet the la+t /e, da(+ ,hen ,e ,ere alone4 almo+t li.e he ,a+ a/raid to +a( or do the ,rong thing1 Being around ?ean and =erem( +eemed to ma.e it ea+ier on him4 but no, he couldn5t e+cape1 -he thought o/ getting him alone to tal. about ,hat had been going on ,ith him ,a+ cau+ing butter/lie+ to /lutter li.e cra%( in m( +tomach1 3 ne2er got ner2ou+ ,ith >u.e-e2er-but 3 gue++ there ,a+ a /ir+t time /or e2er(thing1 Fe tugged on m( hand and pulled me to a bac. booth1 3 +lipped onto the ,ooden bench and >u.e +lid in right next to me1 3 +hot him a loo.1 @9ill (ou +top loo.ing at me li.e thatEA he +aid4 +ounding ,ounded1 @9hat do (ou meanEA @3 .no, (ou better than an(one1 6t lea+t 3 li.e to thin. 3 do1 7ou ha2en5t +aid one ,ord +ince ,e le/t4 (ou .eep chomping do,n on that damn bottom lip and (our hand ,a+ clamm( ,hen 3 grabbed it1 9hat5+ on (our mind4 )aggieEA 3 /elt m(+el/ blu+h1 @Fine1 7ou got me1A -he ,aitre++ appeared and ,e ordered +ome beer+ and nacho+1 <nce +he ,al.ed a,a(4 >u.e turned to /ace me1 Fe made a ge+ture ,ith hi+ hand+ that he ,anted me to continue ,hat 3 ,a+ +a(ing be/ore the interruption1 @3 ,a+ 0u+t ,ondering ho, (ou ,ere doing ,ith e2er(thing1A Fe leaned hi+ elbo, on the table4 e(ebro,+ rai+ed1 @6nd b( e2er(thing4 (ou mean ,hatEA @3 mean me1 6re (ou doing o.a( ,ith me li2ing ,ith (ouEA @7eah4 it5+ /ine1 35m not gonna lie-it +uc.+ .no,ing (ou5re in m( bed4 in m( room4 and 3 can5t touch (ou4 but 35m ,or.ing on it1 3 promi+e1A -he ,aitre++ dropped o// out drin.+1 3 let out a :uic. breath1 @7ou5ll tell me i/ (ou change (our mindEA Fe too. a +ip and nodded1 6n a,.,ard +ilence had +ettled upon u+ ,hen hi+ /inger+ ,rapped around mine1 @7ou don5t need to rip o// the label1 9h( are (ou +o ner2ou+EA 3 hadn5t e2en reali%ed 3 ,a+ ripping o// the label4 piece b( piece1 Fi+ /inger+ +lipped bac. to hi+ bottle1 @3 need to a+. (ou +omething1 6nd 3 reall( need (ou to be hone+t ,ith me1A 3 turned to him1 @<.a(1A @9h( can5t (ou be ,ith meE 6re (ou +till ,ith himEA 3 hadn5t brought up m( time +pent in Ne, 7or.4 and he probabl( .ne, 3 ,ouldn5t unle++ he came out and a+.ed point blan.1 3 +un. do,n again+t the booth4 tilting m( head bac.1 @3 don5t .no,1 3 mean 3 ha2en5t tal.ed to him +ince1 35m +ure he5+ 0u+t pi++ed o// and need+ to /igure +tu// out1 3 thin. it5+ +a/e to +a( it5+ o2er1 3 /eel horrible /or hurting him1A Fe too. another long +ip1 @<.a(1 9hat about meEA @7ou5re more complicated1 9e ha2e +o much hi+tor(1 6/ter the incident4A 3 pau+ed4 and 3

.ne, he under+tood that 3 meant hi+ near o2erdo+e4 @35m a/raid to let (ou get clo+e to me1 3 can5t put (ou through that again1 3t ,a+ +o horrible thin.ing about it be/ore 3 got home1 3 couldn5t catch m( breath .no,ing (ou could52e been +eriou+l( hurt becau+e o/ me1A 3ncredulou+l(4 he a+.ed4 @9hatE )aggie4 don5t ,orr( about me1A 3 turned m( head1 3 ,a+ a/raid to loo. into hi+ green e(e+1 9hene2er the( ,a+hed o2er me the( carried +o much ,armth-a+ the( did at that moment-3 ,anted to grab him be/ore m( dang brain could get in the ,a(1 @Can (ou gi2e me +ome timeEA 3n+tead o/ .i++ing me li.e 3 could tell he ,anted to he +tared into m( e(e+1 @3 got time4 )aggie1 But li+ten to me /ir+t4 o.a(E 3/ (ou ,ant to go bac. to )ax or Ne, 7or.4 then 3 ,ant that /or (ou too1 3 0u+t ,ant (ou be happ(4 Blue1 3/ that mean+ lo+ing (ou-+o be it1A @>u.e111A Fe held up hi+ hand+ in prote+t1 @No1 3 promi+e 35ll be /ine1 3n /act4 3 decided to loo. into grad +chool1 )a(be 35ll e2en do +ome tra2eling li.e 35d al,a(+ tal.ed about1 3 ,a+ e2en thin.ing o/ calling about the intern+hip 3 lo+t out on1A Fe leaned into me4 pre++ing our /orehead+ together1 3t too. e2er( ounce o/ +trength to .eep the promi+e 35d made m(+el/1 3 ,ould not hurt him again1 &+peciall( a/ter that declaration1 Fe .i++ed m( no+e :uic.l(4 and then +at +traight a+ a pin on the bench4 li.e +itting next to me ,a+n5t /a%ing him one bit1 3n+ide4 3 ,a+ a pool o/ goo1 GGG =erem( and 3 had made plan+ to +pend a /e, hour+ together +ince ,e hadn5t had a ton o/ time to +hare ,ith hi+ 0ob and no, mine1 Fe opened hi+ car door /or me4 and 3 hopped in+ide4 letting the +mell o/ leather con+ume me1 3 al,a(+ lo2ed thi+ car4 e2en though it ,a+ old1 6 pang o/ 0ealou+( that 3 didn5t ha2e m( o,n +et o/ ,heel+ danced around m( mind4 but it :uic.l( ,ent a,a( ,hen he +lid in4 +miling1 =erem( had al,a(+ been the adoring brother1 Fe ,a+ al,a(+ the one to come to m( re+cue4 the one to pic. me up /rom a /riend5+ hou+e late4 to help me get through m( /ir+t brea.up1 &2en though he ,i+hed 35d told him about m( /ather4 3 ,a+ +till glad 3 hadn5t1 3 ,a+ happ( that he had +omeone to idoli%eB e2en though m( /ol.+ ,eren5t the be+t /or me4 the( ,ere /or him1 Be+ide+4 3 had =er to loo. up to1 3 didn5t need an(one el+e1 )( mother tried4 3 thin.1 9hen 3 ,a+ little1 *he had her tender moment+4 at lea+t until the da( 3 told her about m( /ather1 3 had +ome /ond memorie+ gro,ing up under her direction1 *he taught me ho, to ba.e m( /ir+t ca.e pop4 mint bro,nie+4 the correct ,a( to appl( e(eliner4 ride a bi.e4 and e2en ho, to do the )acarena be/ore the big eighth grade dance1 3 ,a+n5t +ure ,h( =erem( ,a+ their /a2orite-it +ort o/ 0u+t happened1 6nd 3 accepted it1 @*o4 ,here are ,e going toda(EA 3 a+.ed1 =er ga2e me a :uic. glance and then /ocu+ed bac. on the road1 @?on5t get mad4 but 3 told )om ,e5d +top b( /or brunch4 and then111don5t loo. at me li.e that4 )ag+4A he +aid a/ter gi2ing me a +ide,a( glance1 @9e5ll go do ,hate2er (ou ,ant a/ter1A @?idn5t +he tell (ouEA @9hatEA Fe came to a +toplight4 and +ighed1 @-ell me ,hatEA @3 alread( +a, her1 6re (ou +ure +he ,ant+ to +ee meEA Fe patted m( hand1 @7eah4 +he told me +o1A @7ou o,e me /or thi+1A Fe chuc.led1 @7ou bet1 *o not to change the +ub0ect4 but ,hat5+ going on ,ith (ou and )r1 Ne, 7or.EA

@-hat depend+1 9ho ,ant+ to .no,EA @9hat do (ou meanEA @9ho5+ a+.ing4 (ou or >u.eEA @6m 3 that ob2iou+EA 3 leaned m( head again+t the gla++ ,indo,1 @7eah1 3 alread( told him that )ax ha+n5t contacted me1 35m gi2ing him breathing room4 but it5+ probabl( o2er1A @-hat5+ good4 3 gue++4A he pau+ed4 but a +econd later he +aid4 @9here doe+ that lea2e (ou and >u.eEA @3t lea2e+ u+ a+ /riend+4 =er1 3 can5t be that per+on ,ho hurt+ him again1 >ea2e it alone1A Fe reached o2er and .neaded m( +houlder1 @6ll right4 calm do,n1 Fe5+ m( be+t /riend and ha+ been through a /uc.ing lot latel(1 Fe need+ (ou more than an(thing right no,1 7ou .no, that4 rightEA @Gee4 no pre++ure1A B( the time ,e got to our /ol.+5 hou+e4 m( ner2e+ ,ere +o tightl( ,ound4 3 /elt li.e 3 ,a+ going to thro, up1 )om greeted u+ at the /ront door1 9ell4 actuall( +he greeted =erem( at the /ront door1 @<h4 ,hat a plea+ant +urpri+e1 3 didn5t .no, (ou ,ere bringing )aggie along1A -he ,hole time +he +tared at =er4 onl( gi2ing a :uic. once-o2er1 @3 thought it ,a+ about time1 Plu+4 3 ha2e a /e, thing+ 3 ,ant to clear up1A 3 +hot dagger+ at him1 Fo, could he lie to meE 9hat the hell ,a+ up hi+ +lee2eE @*top it1A Fe /ro,ned4 but +hoo. me o//1 @)om4 )aggie i+ ,or.ing ,ith >u.e at the bar4 but +he ,a+ thin.ing about going bac. to get her degree4 +ince +he didn5t /ini+h1 3 don5t .no,-3 thought it +ounded li.e a great idea1 Fo, Qbout (ouEA )( mom /inall( ac.no,ledged me1 @<h4 )aggie4 are (ou going bac. to +choolEA @No4 mom1 Not exactl(1A 3 glared at =erem( /or a +pilt +econd1 @3 can5t a//ord it right no,1 35m tr(ing to +a2e +ome to go1A =erem( +lammed hi+ /i+t onto the counter1 @9ell4 ,h( notE 3 .no, (ou ,ant that degree1A 3 narro,ed m( e(e+ at him4 in/uriated at him1 @?on5t do thi+4 =er1A @9hat5+ ,rongEA m( mother a+.ed1 @=erem(4 ,h( are (ou +o up+etEA =erem( +tared me do,n ,ith a loo. o/ exa+peration and de/eat4 @)aggie can5t a//ord to /ini+h4 li.e +he +aid4 )om1 7ou ne2er ga2e her the opportunit( (ou ga2e me1 ?ad5+ gone no,1 3 .no, (ou could help /inanciall( ,ith hi+ pen+ion and the ,ill1 6nd4 don5t gi2e me an( bull+hit about ho, (ou thought he ,a+ a +aint1A 3 ga+ped unable to get m( bearing+1 @=erem(4 +topI No,IA 3 (elled out4 but he .ept going1 @3+ it trueE ?id +he tell (ou (ear+ ago4 )omE ?id )aggie tell (ou ,hat he did to her4 and (ou did nothing to +top himEA )( mom +tarted to cr(1 Fea2il(1 @=erem( +top it thi+ in+tant1 ?on5t (ou dare do thi+ to me4A 3 begged1 @)aggie4 35m putting e2er(thing on the table1 Front and center1 352e been biting m( tongue +ince 3 /ound (ou4 and 3 can5t do it an(more1 3 hate e2er(thing that5+ happening1 3 lo+t (ou1 3 almo+t lo+t >u.e4 and /or ,hatE ?ad5+ gone1 Fe died1 Fe got the ea+( ,a( out1 But (ou4 (ou are the one +till +tanding4 and 3 lo2e (ou +o much /or that1 But +he need+ to under+tand and ta.e re+pon+ibilit( /or ,hat happened to (ou1A 3 grabbed hi+ arm and tried to pull him a,a(4 but he re+i+ted1 @No4 +he doe+n5t4A 3 +aid1 @7e+1 *he1 ?oe+4A he /umed1

@3 don5t thin. (ou under+tand4 =erem(1 )aggie came to me ,hen +he ,a+ /i/teen and told me her +ide1 3 a+.ed (our /ather and he told me ho, +he 0u+t mi+interpreted hi+ lo2e1 7our dad ,a+ a police o//icer1 Fi+ 0ob ,a+ to protect people1 3 tru+ted him1 &2er(one tru+ted him1 Fe ,ould ne2er touch her li.e that-he lo2ed her1 -he( had a nice relation+hip1A *he turned to me1 @)aggie4 (ou need to +top /eeling +orr( /or (our+el/1 ?add( ,ould ne2er1A *he ran into her room4 and =erem( /ollo,ed lea2ing me behind1 Part o/ me .ne, +he ,ould +till ta.e hi+ +ide1 3 trul( belie2e +he .ne, +omething ,a+n5t right1 3t ,a+ all a hunch1 &2en a/ter +pending time ,ith her a /e, ,ee.+ ago4 3 ,a+n5t +ure i/ e2er(thing +an. in ,here +he ,a+ concerned1 3t ,a+ almo+t a+ i/ nobod( tal.ed about it4 it didn5t exi+t1 *ometime later4 =erem( came bac. do,n+tair+ to /ind me curled up on the couch1 Numerou+ time+ 3 thought about calling ?ean or >u.e to come get me but decided again+t it1 =erem( .neeled do,n in /ront o/ me1 @3t5+ time to go home1A @Fo, could (ou ha2e done thi+ to meEA @35m +orr(4 )aggie1 But o/ all the thing+ he did right /or me4 he did +o man( ,rong to (ou1 6nd 35ll ne2er /orgi2e him /or that1 3 can5t go on li.e thi+4 )aggie1 -hat ,oman up+tair+ need+ /uc.ing help1 *he5+ in +eriou+ denial1A Fe pulled me /rom the couch and grabbed a .e( ring o// the rac. b( the /ront door1 @9hat are (ou doingEA @Fere1A Fe to++ed them to me1 @7ou5re ta.ing )om5+ old car1 *he5+ .eeping hi+1A @Fo,EA @3 told her ho, 3 /elt1 3 explained ho, 3 thin. (ou /eel1 *he ob2iou+l( doe+n5t need both1A Fe pic.ed up m( hand and .i++ed m( /orehead4 +tud(ing m( /ace1 @-a.e em4 )ag+1 7ou de+er2e +omething out o/ thi+1A *o 3 did1 9e pulled up next to each other in /ront o/ the apartment 0u+t a+ >u.e ,al.ed out1 @Fe(4A 3 mumbled1 3 +till ,a+n5t +ure i/ thi+ ,a+ the be+t idea4 me ha2ing m( mother5+ car1 Fe loo.ed bet,een u+4 noticing the ten+ion1 @9hat5+ ,rongEA @3t5+ nothing4A =er +aid1 =erem( +tepped a+ide li.e nothing had happened4 but >u.e +pun me around1 Fe .ne, ,hen +omething ,a+ bothering me1 6nd 3 ,a+ prett( +ure m( /ace loo.ed li.e 35d eaten a bunch o/ +our grape+1 @9hat5+ going onEA @)( dear brother thought it ,ould be /un to go ,ith the ,hole +urpri+e attac. toda( and made me /ace m( mom again1A Fe came up to me4 draping one arm o2er m( +houlder1 @7ou o.a(EA 3 +miled up at him1 @7eah4 35m good1A 3 dangled m( ne, .e(+ on m( pin.(1 @3 am o//iciall( the proud o,ner o/ a +e2en-(ear-old Fonda 6ccord1A Fe ga2e me a +ubtle +mile that made me /eel +ome,hat better1 @3 ,a+ going to +hoot +ome hoop+1 9h( don5t (ou change and come do,n to the par. ,ith meE 3t5+ been a long time +ince 3 .ic.ed (our a++1A 3 grinned1 3t ,a+ 0u+t ,hat 3 needed right no,1 @*ound+ good4A 3 agreed1 6nd it did1 &2en though m( mother and 3 didn5t tal.4 3 .ne, it ,a+ onl( a matter o/ time be/ore 35d gi2e into =erem(5+ ,i+he+1 7ou can5t pic. (our /amil(4 but (ou can choo+e to accept them /or ,ho the( are1 3 had to get pa+t thi+ to /ind m(+el/1 -o trul( lo2e m(+el/1 3 0u+t had to1

Chapter 18
>u.e @Finall(I 7ou do reali%e 35m going to ha2e (ou +,eating out there toda(4 rightEA )aggie loo.ed li.e +he 0u+t +tepped out o/ a =1 Cre, catalog1 Cute a+ hell but not the be+t clothe+ /or a ,or.out1 )aggie peered do,n at her+el/4 +moothing out her +hirt1 @9hat5+ ,rong ,ith thi+EA 3 +hoo. m( head4 holding up m( hand+ in de/eat1 @Nothing1 7ou loo. beauti/ul a+ al,a(+4 but ,e5re pla(ing ba+.etball4 not ta.ing a ,al. in the par.1 3/ that5+ ,hat (ou ,ant to ,ear4 /ine b( me1A 3 grabbed m( ba+.etball /rom the bac. o/ car1 )aggie (elled out to =erem( that ,e ,ere ta.ing o//1 @>et5+ ,al.4A +he +ugge+ted4 ,hich 3 ,a+ /ine ,ith1 3 ,anted to ta.e m( time +o ,e could tal.1 -he par. ,a+ through the gated communit( ,here ,e li2ed and ,a+ al,a(+ .ept up nicel(1 <nce in a ,hile a /e, pun. .id+ tried to o2erta.e it4 but ,ith all the local+ ,ho u+ed it4 ,e tended to +care them o// more than an(thing1 )aggie .ept tuc.ing her hand+ in her poc.et+4 and then pulling them out4 tightening her hand+ into /i+t+1 @No, that =erem( i+n5t here ,h( don5t (ou tell me ,hat happened toda(EA 3 bounced the ball a+ ,e ,al.ed1 @3 ,a+ +o mad at him /or 0u+t +pringing it on me li.e that1 Fe totall( tric.ed me into going1 3 mean4 (eah4 3 got a car out o/ the deal4 but1113 don5t .no,1A 3 +topped and grabbed her ,ri+t1 @7ou do .no,1 -ell me ,hat it i+EA *he dropped her head do,n4 .ic.ed a pebble around a /e, time+4 and /inall( li/ted her /ace to loo. at me1 @3t 0u+t doe+n5t /eel right1 3t5+ li.e4 Hoh4 here (ou go )aggie ta.e m( car1 35m +o +orr( /or ne2er belie2ing (ou4 and /or the thing+ (our /ather did15 >i.e it could ma.e up /or e2er(thing1 3t ,a+ =er ,ho got the car /or me1 *he probabl( didn5t e2en ,ant me to ha2e it1A )aggie cringed at her o,n ,ord+4 but 3 under+tood ,hat +he meant1 *he5d ne2er been one /or a handout1 Probabl( becau+e +he al,a(+ had to ,or. +o damn hard to get ,hat +he ,anted1 *he +ighed4 but continued1 @3 0u+t ,ant to go bac. to +chool4 (ou .no,1 *o that5+ ,hat 35m going to /ocu+ on1A @Good /or (ou1 3 thin. (ou +hould4A 3 agreed becau+e 3 ,anted her to .eep her dream ali2e4 to open up her o,n +hop one da(1 Fell4 35d o//er her the mone(1 35d gi2e her e2er( red cent /rom m( parent+ ,ill i/ 3 thought it ,ould ma.e her happ(4 but 3 .ne, )aggie and that 0u+t ,ouldn5t /l(1 @)ax o//ered to bu( me a +tore/ront in Ne, 7or. to open a ba.er(1 -hat5+ ,h( ,e5re not tal.ing4A +he blurted out1 3 +topped dead in m( trac.+1 @9hatEA *he +ho2ed her hand+ into her poc.et+1 @7ou heard me1A 3 pulled one out and held it in mine1 @)aggie4 ,h( didn5t (ou ta.e him up on hi+ o//erE -hat5+ huge1A *he /ro,ned1 @3 didn5t lo2e him enough1A 3 nodded and let go o/ her hand4 becau+e that ,a+ all that needed to be +aid1 9e rounded the corner to the par.4 and luc.il( onl( one o/ the court+ ,a+ ta.en up1 3 glanced o2er to )aggie ,ho +eemed +o out o/ place it ,a+ ridiculou+4 but 3 lo2ed her /or coming to pla( ,ith me1 9e u+ed to +hoot hoop+ all the time out+ide her hou+e1 3t ,a+ u+uall( 0u+t the gu(+4 but once in a blue moon +he5d come out and 0oin in1

@<.a(4 ho, about ,e +tart ,ith +ome drill+E 35m +ure it5+ been a long time1A *he rolled tho+e +,eet bab(-blue5+ at me4 but laughed o// m( idea1 @6ll right4 girl4 ha2e it (our ,a(1A *,eat poured o// o/ u+1 9e ,ere almo+t /ini+hed our /ourth game1 3 let her ,in t,o to .eep her gue++ing4 but no, it ,a+ crunch time1 )( top came o// a/ter the +econd game4 +o 3 ,a+ do,n to 0u+t m( ba+.etball +hort+1 )aggie had ta.en o// her top la(er4 lea2ing her in a tan. that le/t me drooling1 9e5d been out here /or at lea+t an hour4 and 3 ,a+ ha2ing /un ,atching her beha2e li.e 3 remembered1 *he pouted li.e a t,o-(ear old e2er( +hot that 3 nailed but /ought li.e a champ to get it bac.1 3 bounced the ball to hand it o// to her a+ +he e(ed m( +tance1 @9hat do (ou +a( ,e place a +mall ,ager on the la+t pointE 7ou get thi+4 (ou ,in1A <ne e(ebro, +hot up1 @9hat did (ou ha2e in mindEA @>o+er drin.+ tonight-no :ue+tion+ a+.ed1A *he ga2e me a +our /ace that made me ,ant to rile her up +ome more1 @7ou .no, 3 don5t li.e to drin. too much1A @C5mon4 )ag+1 3t5+ time to put on (our big girl pantie+ and man up-or 3 gue++ 3 +hould +a(4 ,oman up1A @7ou5re +o 0u2enile1A 3 +hrugged1 35d been called ,or+e1 @Come on4 )ag+1 -he cloc. i+ tic.ing here1A *he +mir.ed1 @6re (ou read(4 becau+e 35m gonna bring it1A *he dribbled1 @<h4 35m read( to +ee (ou bring it1 Fere ,e go4 Blue1 -he cloc. i+ tic.ing and )aggie ha+ the ball on the ,ing o/ the court1 *he +tare+ do,n her opponent1 *he trie+ a 0ab +tep4 but /ree%e+1A 3 ,a+ almo+t laughing too hard to /ocu+ a+ 3 continued m( pla(-b(-pla( hounding her /or the ball1 6 /e, people gathered to ,atch1 @9ill +he ta.e the +hotE *he ha+ 5111411134 )aggie goe+ right pa+t her man and to,ard the hoop1 -,o111+he5+ dribbling the ball1111111and the ball /lirt+ ,ith the rim4 not +ure i/ it ,ant+ to go in4 and it5+-it5+-oh4 and +he mi++e+IA 3 made a cra%( bu%%ing +ound to end the game1 3 too. the ball bac. and t,irled in on m( /inger1 @3 hate (ou4A +he +aid4 tea+ing me1 Fer hand+ ,ere on he hip+4 her e(e+ +hooting dagger+1 @*orr(1 3 0u+t couldn5t re+i+t1 7ou5re +o adorable ,hen (ou5re angr(1A 3 laughed out loud a+ +he darted a/ter me4 tr(ing to reco2er the ball1 3 held it o2er m( head1 @9hat4 (ou ,ant to go againEA @No4 3 don5t ,ant to go again4A +he +aid4 +till attempting to get the ball1 6+ much a+ 3 lo2ed ,atching her get pla(/ul4 3 ,a+ thir+t(1 9e le/t the court4 and grabbed our ,ater bottle+1 3/ ,e5d been alone4 3 ,ould52e +ugge+ted that +he pour it all o2er her +ince +he ,a+ +porting a ,hite tan.4 but 3 ,a+n5t too .een on other dude+ chec.ing out m( girl1 9ell4 3 ,a+ +till ,or.ing on that la+t part1 9atching the +,eat gli+ten on her che+t4 had about dri2en me in+ane during our la+t t,o game+1 GGG B( eight that night4 ,e5d all had made it to an 3ri+h pub on North Clar. *treet1 3t ,a+ a ,arm night4 +o ,e +at out+ide1 ?ean ,anted to ,atch out /or thi+ e2ening5+ @dream girl1A 3t had been a long time +ince the /our o/ u+ had one o/ the+e night+1 -he la+t time 3 could hone+tl( remember had been the ,ee. be/ore )aggie ran a,a(1 3 ,a+ determined to ha2e her cut loo+e ,ith u+4 and our bet thi+ a/ternoon ,a+ +itting in the bac. o/ m( mind1 Be/ore ,e le/t the apartment4 =er4 ?ean4 and 3 pla(ed a :uic. round o/ :uarter+ to +tart o// the night1 9hen )aggie +tepped out o/ her room4 3 almo+t /ell o// the damn +tool1 *he ,a+

,earing a tight4 tan L-nec. +hirt that hugged her in all the right place+ and a pair o/ ,hite +hort+ that +ho,ed o// her per/ectl( tanned leg+1 3 could barel( loo. up /rom m( drin. ,ithout being too ob2iou+ that 3 ,a+ a +lobbering me++1 *ometime+ it reall( pi++ed me o// that +he could +till a//ect me that ,a(1 )aggie +pilling the truth that )ax didn5t mean a+ much a+ 3 thought con2inced me 3 +till had a chance1 *he .ne, 3 ,anted her bac.4 but it ,a+ li.e +he ,a+ dangling her +ex( little a++ in m( /ace to pro2e +omething1 9hat point ,a+ +he tr(ing to ma.eE 3 ne2er did an(thing but lo2e her4 ne2er once +aid a mean ,ord ,hen ,e dated1 3 too. care o/ her1 3n return4 +he5d pu+hed me a,a(4 haunting m( thought+ da( a/ter da(1 -hi+ had to +top1 No ,a( in hell ,a+ 3 letting her run thi+ time1 3 ,a+ going to ta.e control tonight1 6nd 3 ,a+ going to ha2e the be+t /uc.ing time o/ m( li/e doing it1 9e ordered a round o/ beer+4 but 3 added a round o/ lemon drop+ to +tart her o// nice and +lo,1 3 .ne, +he hated the hard-core +tu// li.e te:uila or ,hi+.e(4 +o 3 ,anted to ea+e her into the night1 *he rolled her e(e+ ,hen the drin.+ ,ere lined up on the table4 but the re+t o/ u+ pic.ed them up and clin.ed our +hot+ together1 @Come on4 )ag+1 7ou lo+t the bet1 7ou promi+ed to put on (our big-girl pantie+ tonight4A 3 taunted4 .no,ing it .illed her to ha2e lo+t to me1 *he +hot me one o/ her trademar. )aggie /ace+ that 3 lo2ed and clin.ed her gla++ ,ith our+1 @<n three4A +he +aid1 6/ter ,e +hot them bac.4 +he grimaced4 and 3 couldn5t help but laugh out loud1 &2en ,hen +he loo.ed li.e +he ,a+ about to 2omit4 +he +till got to me1 6/ter an hour o/ thro,ing bac. /our more +hot+ and t,o beer+4 +he5d +tarted to +tumble on her ,ord+1 3 +at bac. and ,atched it all4 en0o(ing +eeing her laugh and +mile at our 0o.e+1 But .ne, +he needed to be cut o//1 9e ,ere +hooting the +hit about +port+ and e2er( no, and then )aggie chimed in1 =erem( and ?ean ,ould loo. at her li.e +he had t,o head+4 but 3 lo2ed that +he tried1 9e ,ere in the middle o/ a heated debate about the upcoming North,e+tern team ,hen )aggie turned to me and a+.ed4 @?o (ou thin. m( boob+ are too +mallEA 3 .ne, +he meant the :ue+tion /or me4 but a/ter tho+e +hot+4 +he5d prett( much +houted it out1 ?ean +nic.ered but ogled her che+t /or a +econd longer than 3 li.ed1 3/ 3 hadn5t .no,n that their relation+hip ,a+ completel( platonic4 35d .ic. hi+ a++1 =erem( +tared at her4 hi+ /ace appalled1 @)ag+4 +hut the /uc. up1A -hen he mo2ed hi+ ga%e to me1 @*top bu(ing her +hot+1 *he5+ had enough1A 3 elbo,ed her4 grinning1 @7our boob+ are per/ect4 bab(1A *he +tared at me /or a +econd then +aid4 @3 gotta pee1 35ll be bac.1A *he +tood but held onto the edge o/ the table to get her balance1 *he +auntered o// a little +lo,er than 3 li.ed1 =erem( :uietl( mumbled a+ he ,atched her going o// on her o,n in+ide a bar pac.ed /ull o/ horn( dude+4 ,hich reall( ,a+n5t a good idea1 Fe +tarted to get up4 but 3 pu+hed him bac. do,n1 @3 got her1 6nd order her a gla++ o/ ,ater1A 3 headed to,ard the bac. to the bathroom+1 -here ,a+ no line4 +o 3 ,aited out+ide the girl+5 door /or her1 6 /e, minute+ had pa++ed ,hen +he /inall( came out4 +urpri+ingl( re/re+hed1 *he5d dabbled on +ome lipglo++4 and pulled her hair out o/ the earlier braid1 @<h4 he(4A +he +aid bumping into me1 3t ,a+ hard /or her not toB 3 +tood directl( in her ,a(1 *he +tarted to ,al. around me4 but 3 bloc.ed her path1 @Fe(1 7ou /eel betterEA

*he /lic.ed her e(e+ up to meet mine1 @35m /ine1 Fo, much more are (ou going to ma.e me drin.EA 3 could tell +he ,a+ l(ing1 3 reached do,n to ,rap m( arm+ around her ,ai+t4 guiding her bac. until +he ,a+ up again+t the ,all1 @-hat depend+ on (ou1A *he le2eled her e(e+ at m( che+t1 @?epend+ on ,hatEA @<n i/ (ou5re going to let me .i++ (ou tonight1A *he he+itated /or a +econd4 but then her e(e+ /ixed on mine1 @=u+t a .i++EA 3 coc.ed m( head and +hrugged1 @7ou .no, me4 )ag+1 'i++ing (ou i+ ne2er enough1A Fer hand+ +lipped lightl( under m( button-do,n +hirt1 3 ,a+ ha2ing a hard time breathing4 ,atching her /inger+ pla( ,ith the hair on m( che+t1 )aggie +tood on her tiptoe+B her mouth lingered at m( throat4 and then mo2ed up to m( ear1 @3 thin. 35ll ta.e another +hot1A *he +tepped out o/ m( arm+4 lea2ing me +tanding li.e a horn(-a++ teenager ,ith a ma0or hard-on1 3t too. me a /e, minute+ to compo+e m(+el/ be/ore re0oining our part(1 3 needed to calm do,n1 3 ,anted to be in charge tonight and no, +he ,a+ tea+ing me1 3 pla(ed to ,in and tonight ,a+ no di//erent1 Bac. at the table4 another round o/ +hot+ ,ere lined up1 )aggie placed the order ,hen ,e ,eren5t pa(ing attention1 @)aggie 0u+t drin. (our ,ater1 No more +hot+1A 3 +aid1 3 tried to grab the +hot gla++ but +he ,a+ too :uic.1 @9ould (ou gi2e me thatE 7ou52e had enough to drin. tonight1A )aggie +hot me a na+t( loo.4 do,ned the +hot and then placed her hand+ on her hip+1 @?on5t (ou tell me ,hat 3 +hould or +houldn5t do4 >u.e =ame+ )atthe,+1A @<h4 +hitI Fere it come+1A ?ean +aid4 +ha.ing hi+ head1 )aggie turned her glare to,ard ?ean1 Fe held up hi+ hand+1 @9ater4 )aggie4A 3 +aid again1 *he pu+hed the gla++ a,a(1 @3 lo+t the bet1 35m /ine1A @7ou5re not /ine4 (ou5re being an immature brat4A =er +aid1 @3mmatureEA *he /aced =erem( then her e(e+ /ell bac. on me1 @6m 3 being immatureEA 3 +hoo. m( head1 @)ag+4 no more drin.ing tonight1A )aggie grinned4 grabbed ?ean5+ +hot and ,oo/ed it do,n1 *he glanced o2er at =erem(1 @7ou5re immature1A @Fine4 )ag+1 35m immature4 0u+t +top drin.ing no,1A *he loo.ed plea+ed ,ith her+el/ /or the next /e, minute+ and then +he hit a ,all1 6nd e2en though 3 begged her to +top4 3 /elt horribl( re+pon+ible1 3 onl( ,anted her to loo+en up and end up in m( bed ,ith me4 not thi+1 ?e/initel( not thi+1 3 ,a+ prett( po+iti2e it ,a+ the la+t +hot o/ te:uila that did her in1 =erem( ,a+ cur+ing up a +torm at me /or getting her annihilated4 ,hile ?ean 0u+t +hoo. damn head1 3n ,hat4 appro2alE ?i+appro2alE 3 didn5t .no,4 and 3 didn5t care1 -he ,aitre++ glimp+ed do,n at )aggie +emi-pa++ed out on the table1 @7ou gu(+ are cut o// and need to lea2e1A *he +lammed do,n the bill +o ,e all thre, in ,hat ,e o,ed1 3 pic.ed up )aggie5+ tab +ince 35d cau+ed her to drin.4 and becau+e i/ /elt li.e old time+ to pa( her ,a(1 =erem( li/ted her head4 +he +lurred +omething unintelligible1 Fe turned to me4 not loo.ing too happ(1 @9hat the /uc.4 manE *he5+ out o/ it1 9h(5d (ou gi2e her +o muchEA 3 +hrugged li.e it ,a+ no big deal1 @3 tried to get her to drin. ,ater4 but (ou .no, )aggie1 9e had a bet1 *he lo+t1 35ll carr( her1 3t5+ no big deal1A But )aggie ,a+ dead ,eight1 &2en though +he ,a+ little4 3 had a hard time carr(ing her all the ,a( bac. to the apartment1 *he

+tirred e2er( once in a ,hile4 and it .illed me ,hen +he did becau+e +he5d loo. into m( e(e+ and murmur ,ord+ li.e lo%e, hate, safe, misse you, an sorry. <nce home4 3 placed her on the couch4 co2ering her ,ith a blan.et to .eep an e(e on her1 *he hadn5t pu.ed (et4 and ,e ,ere all .ind o/ ,aiting /or her to get it out +o ,e could go to bed1 9e ,ere in the .itchen ,aiting on +ome /ro%en pi%%a+ to ba.e ,hen =erem( +tal.ed o// to )aggie5+ bedroom1 ?ean glanced o2er hi+ +houlder to chec. i/ he ,a+ gone4 and then turned to me1 @Cm4 bro4 3 thought (ou ,ere tr(ing to get her bac. in (our bed tonight4A he ,hi+pered .eeping an e(e out /or =erem(1 @7eah4 3 ,a+1 -hi+ didn5t go a+ planned1 3 /orgot ho, determined +he i+ ,hen +he5+ tr(ing to pro2e a point1A -hat ,a+ the ma0or under+tatement o/ the night1 )aggie ,a+ pi++ drun.4 drooling and +noring on the couch1 35d /inall( con2inced her to drin. +ome ,ater-apparentl( it ,a+n5t enough1 =erem( came bac. a +econd later ,ith a bag in hi+ hand1 Fe .neeled in /ront o/ hi+ +i+ter1 @9hat are (ou doingEA 3 +houted1 Fe grinned up at the t,o o/ u+1 @<h4 352e been ,aiting /or a chance li.e thi+ /ore2er4A =er +aid1 -he timer ,ent o//4 +o 3 (an.ed out the pi%%a+1 9hen 3 turned around4 ?ean ,a+ .neeling next to =erem(4 and the( ,ere laughing li.e idiot+1 @9hat are (ou t,o moron+ doing to herE ?ude4 ,e5re t,ent( t,o-not t,el2e1A @<h4 it5+ pa(bac. time1 ?on5t e2en thin. o/ +topping me4 >u.e1 *he got me good 0unior (ear o/ high +chool1 3 .no, (ou remember1A 3 laughed remembering the time ,e came bac. /rom a part( completel( ripped1 9e ,o.e her and =enn( 9alter R=er5+ ex and )aggie5+ /riendS up4 and the( ,ere mad a+ hell1 *he cut hi+ +hirt o// him +plit do,n the middle ,ith +ci++or+4 +ha2ed o// hi+ che+t hair4 and then =enn( ,rote in a blac. *harpie mar.er he had a +mall peni+ ,ith a little arro, pointing do,n,ard+1 3 debated i/ 3 ,anted an( part o/ thi+1 3 +tared do,n at her ma.eup bag on the /loor1 -he( ,ere attempting to ma.e her /ace loo. li.e +ome barn(ard animal and ,ere getting it totall( ,rong1 @9ell4 i/ (ou5re gonna do it at lea+t do it right1 )o2e o2er1A 6nd that5+ ho, 3 al,a(+ got m(+el/ into trouble1 3 could ne2er let them ha2e /un ,ithout me1 )aggie ,a+ going to be +o pi++ed1 =erem( had li/ted up her +hirt4 tuc.ing it under her bra +o +he ,a+n5t completel( expo+ed1 Fe li/ted the +harpie /rom the /loor4 but 3 couldn5t let him do it1 @?ude4 no1A @9h( notEA @9e5re being 0u2enile enough1 Be+ide+4 it ,a+ =enn(4 not )ag+ that did hal/ that +hit to (ou1A Fe .ept going1 @9hat are (ou gonna ,riteE *he ha+ a +mall pu++(E 'noc. it o//4 and mo2e on1 6dmit the( got (ou bac. then4 and let it go1A Fe roc.ed bac. on hi+ heel+4 ,a2ering1 35d ta.en that a+ m( opportunit( to get her out o/ there1 3 had to bite bac. a laugh a+ 3 placed her do,n in her bed1 &2en though it ,a+ +o ,rong and immature /or u+ to do that to her4 it reminded me o/ +leepo2er+ ,hen ,e ,ere (ounger1 3 thin. it too. all three o/ u+ bac. there1 Jemembering )aggie and the all the /un ,e5d +hared1 Part o/ me ,ondered i/ that ,a+ ,h( =er did it1 &2en though it ,a+ completel( ,rong and 0u2enile-it brought bac. a memor( that made all o/ u+ +mile1 *he5d barel( mo2ed +ince ,e5d gotten home4 and it +eemed a+ though her pra(ing to the toilet ,a+ not going to happen1 3 pulled o// her +hoe+ and tuc.ed her into bed1 3 ,a+ a/raid to lea2e her4 though4 +o a/ter ta.ing o// m( +hirt4 3 +lipped into m( /a2orite +pot1

-he one right next to her1

Chapter 19
)aggie @<h4 dear God4 ,hat happened la+t nightEA 3 ,hi+pered1 9hen 3 ,o.e up4 3 /ound >u.e5+ arm draped o2er m( che+t4 hi+ leg tangled around mine1 Fe ,a+ not totall( na.ed4 and neither ,a+ 34 but hi+ +hirt ,a+ mi++ing1 3 ,a+ +o a/raid he5d catch me ga,.ing and then .no, exactl( ,hat 3 ,a+ thin.ing about1 Fe got me pla+tered la+t night4 R,ell4 3 helpedS and e2en though m( head had +e2eral hundred 3ri+h dancer+ tapping a,a(4 3 ,a+ more ner2ou+ about ,hat 3 might ha2e mi++ed once ,e got home-and into thi+ bed1 )( mouth parched4 3 noticed a /illed gla++ on m( night+tand1 Care/ull(4 3 li/ted hi+ arm o// me4 but he +tirred4 +o 3 didn5t dare mo2e until 3 ,a+ +ure he5d /allen bac. a+leep1 <nce hi+ +noring re+umed4 3 untangled hi+ leg and +lipped a couple inche+ a,a( /rom him1 )( /eet had 0u+t touched the ground4 the coldne++ o/ the ,ater re/re+hing on m( tongue4 ,hen hi+ hand+ gripped me1 @9here do (ou thin. (ou5re goingEA 3 cleared m( throat1 @-hir+t(1 Ler( thir+t(1 6nd 3 reall( need to go to the bathroom4A 3 an+,ered hone+tl(1 3 chugged the ,hole gla++4 e2en a+ he .ept tr(ing to pull me bac. do,n to him1 Feeling battered and beaten up /rom too much alcohol4 3 relented and +an. onto the pillo, next to him1 >u.e bu+ted out laughing ,hen 3 /lipped o2er onto m( +ide1 @<h4 man1 3 /orgot4A he +aid4 +till laughing uncontrollabl(1 @9hatEA Fe reached o2er me4 l(ing hal/ on top4 and 3 thought he ,a+ ma.ing a mo2e1 3n+tead4 he grabbed a 'leenex and +o/tl( placed it again+t m( /orehead4 rubbing in a circular motion and pulling it a,a( to +ho, me all the color+ o/ the rainbo,1 6t /ir+t 3 thought m( ma.eup had +mudged4 but then 3 remembered 35d onl( ,orn +ome glo++ and ma+cara la+t night1 3 +hot out o/ bed4 /orgetting about the con+tant throbbing4 to loo. in the mirror o2er the dre++er1 3 loo.ed ridiculou+1 )( entire /ace ,a+ co2ered1 7ou couldn5t +ee one +pec. o/ m( natural +.in color1 3 e(ed >u.e a+ he /ought bac. laughter1 @?id (ou do thi+EA Fe +hoo. hi+ head1 @=erem(EA 3 a+.ed4 completel( and utterl( anno(ed that the( ,ould ta.e ad2antage o/ a drun.en girl ,hen it ,a+ clear 3 hadn5t been /unctioning la+t night1 Fe +hrugged4 tr(ing to dodge the :ue+tion4 and 3 dug deep to not bur+t out laughing at ho, 3 loo.ed4 becau+e it ,a+ actuall( /unn(1 @7ou do .no, 3 ,ill get all o/ (ou bac.1 ?on5t thin. 3 don5t .no, that (ou ,eren5t apart o/ thi+1A 3 /lung the door open and +tormed into the bathroom1 3 popped a /e, 6d2il and cran.ed on the +ho,er1 3 .ne, ,h( 35d drun. +o much1 3t ,a+n5t 0u+t lo+ing the bet1 9hen >u.e cornered me b( the bar bathroom4 3 ,anted him +o badl( it hurt1 3 0u+t couldn5t bring m(+el/ to go do,n that road ,ith him (et1 Not until he .ne, e2er(thing1 6nd 3 ,a+n5t +ure ho, to explain it to him a/ter e2er(thing he5d been through1 -hat5+ ,h( 35d been holding bac.1 6t one time 3 had the ,hole con2er+ation planned out in m( head4 but no, e2er(thing had changed1 GGG 6 ,ee. later4 3 ,a+ +till planning m( retribution ,hen >u.e +idled up to me at ,or.1 3 ,a+ 0u+t ha2ing a bite to eat be/ore our +hi/t +tarted1 @Can 3 a+. (ou +omething that 352e been

d(ing to a+. +ince ,e /ound (ouEA 3 ,a+ che,ing a mouth/ul4 +o 3 nodded1 @Fo, the hell did (ou get a 0ob at that +trip 0ointE <r better :ue+tion4 ,h( did (ou ta.e itEA 3 could tell he ,a+ generall( curiou+4 and not in a 0er. ,a(4 but tr(ing to /igure out ,hat had happened to me1 3 ga%ed into hi+ patient green e(e+1 @3 ,a+ barel( ma.ing it ,aitre++ing1 -ru+t me4 3 tried1 &2er(thing ,a+ going again+t me1 3/ 3 too. the bu+ /or an inter2ie,4 it5d be raining and 35d get +pla+hed +oa.ing ,et b( +ome damn bu+4 or 35d brea. a heel o// m( +hoe1 &2er( time 3 had to turn around and go bac. to m( +hithole apartment1 Not the one (ou +a,1 -he /ir+t one ,a+ ,a( ,or+e1 3 managed to nail a 0ob at a +mall diner-the tip+ ,ere decent4 but 3 had to ,or. the gra2e(ard +hi/t1 6t lea+t it ,a+ +omething1 3 ,a+ about to gi2e up and call =er to come get me4 or +end +ome mone(4 ,hen the gang ,al.ed in1 3 o2erheard them4 and )ax ,in.ed at me ,hen he caught me li+tening to their con2er+ation1 Fe came o2er and told me about the 0ob1 Fe got me an inter2ie,1 From there4 it 0u+t ,or.ed out1 -he mone( ,a+ good4 and 3 ,a+ able to get into a +ome,hat decent apartment /rom =imm(1A 3 +hrugged1 @3 made enough to at lea+t to pa( rent4 bu( /ood4 and +a2e a little1A Fe exhaled1 @)a.e+ +en+e1 3 0u+t ,i+h111God4 )aggie 3 ,i+hed (ou5d tru+ted me enough not to lea2e1 -o belie2e in meKand u+1 3 can5t help but al,a(+ ,onder ,here5d ,e be right no, i/ (ou hadn5t1A @35m +orr(4A 3 apologi%ed again1 Fi+ hand reached acro++ the table4 and grabbed mine1 @3 .no, (ou are1 Could (ou promi+e me though to plea+e ne2er do that againE 3 don5t thin. 3 could manage not +eeing that beauti/ul /ace o/ (our+ e2er(da(1A 3 +miled1 @3 ha2e +omething /or (ou1 3 hope (ou don5t get mad1A Fe pulled out a /l(er /rom hi+ bac. poc.et1 @3t5+ all paid /or1A Fe handed me the /l(er and 3 +tudied it1 @9hat i+ thi+EA Fe +hoo. hi+ head4 but .ept hi+ +mile trained on me1 @3t5+ a ba.ing cla++ do,nto,n1 3 did +ome re+earch1 3t5+ not France or the +chool (ou reall( ,anted4 but it5+ +omething1 3t5+ a +tart1 3t5+ onl( a +mall pa+tr( cla++1 ?on5t /rea. out1A @9h( are (ou gi2ing me thi+EA @3 ,ant to do thi+ (ou /or4 )ag+1 Plea+e ta.e me up on it1 3 .no, it5+ not me +a2ing (ou /rom (our dad ,hen ,e ,ere (ounger4 but it ma.e+ me /eel better to gi2e (ou +omething (ou ,ant1 3 .no, (ou52e +a2ed +ome mone(4 but .eep +a2ing it1A Fi+ thumb gra%ed m( chin4 tilting it to loo. up at him1 @Plea+e4 0u+t ta.e the cla++1A -he tear+ /ormed in+tantl(1 @7ou +houldn5t ha2e1A Fi+ hand gentl( care++ed m( chee.4 +lo,l( tracing m( lo,er lip1 @3 +hould ha2e done thi+ a long time ago4 Blue1A >u.e +tood and ,al.ed a,a(1 &2er( time he did +omething +o +,eet and tender4 3 couldn5t /ind the ,ord+ that 3 ,anted to +a(1 *o 3 0u+t +miled at hi+ bac.4 and /ini+hed m( +and,ich1 Cnderneath the table m( leg+ ,ere doing a 0ig1 3 ,a+ de/initel( ta.ing him up on hi+ o//er1 -he bar ,a+ +lo,4 +o 3 ,a+ let o// at ten4 but >u.e had to +ta( until clo+ing1 3 ,ent home alone ,ith plan+ o/ curling up on the +o/a ,ith a good mo2ie and a bo,l o/ popcorn1 6t midnight4 the door bur+t open4 and cac.ling girl+ /ollo,ed m( brother and ?ean in+ide1 3 rolled m( e(e+4 anno(ed becau+e the mo2ie ,a+ 0u+t getting to the good part1 @Fe(4 do (ou gu(+ mind .eeping it do,nEA 3 (elled1

Both girl+ +hot me dirt( loo.+1 =erem( and ?ean bu+ted out laughing1 @)aggie4 ha2e a drin. ,ith u+1A ?ean ,a2ed me o2er4 and 3 could tell he5d alread( tied a /e, on1 @No than.+1 35m ,atching a mo2ie1 Plea+e4 =erEA =erem( opened a /e, beer+ and pa++ed them around1 -he girl+ ,hi+pered4 ,ondering ,ho the hell ,a+ the girl on the couch ,ith the >uc.( Charm pa0ama bottom+1 6 +econd later =erem( an+,ered1 @-hat there i+ m( bab( +i+ter4 +o +top getting all out o/ ,hac.1A @B( three minute+ (ou5re older4A 3 (elled out1 Fe +auntered o2er to the couch ,ith a little extra +,ag in hi+ +tep4 and propped him+el/ on the edge1 @9hat are (ou doing homeE 3 thought (ou had to ,or.EA @3t ,a+ dead +o the( let me go home earl(1A Fe loo.ed up at the -L4 and then hi+ e(e+ /lic.ed bac. to the girl+1 @<.a(4 )aggie ,e5ll ta.e the part( into m( room1A Jelie2ed4 3 +miled4 and ,atched him u+her the other three into hi+ room-the room he +hared ,ith >u.e4 ,ho ,ould be home ,ithin the next hour or +o1 &2en though the door to the bedroom ,a+ +hut4 3 could hear them laughing4 a :uarter bouncing o// the table e2er( /e, +econd+4 /ollo,ed b(4 @chug4 chug4 chug1A 3t ,a+n5t until a/ter one that 3 /inall( headed /or the bathroom to get read( /or bed1 )( hand+ and /ace ,ere /ull o/ /ace ,a+h4 m( hair high in a pon(tail ,hen 3 opened m( e(e+ to +ee >u.e +tanding behind me1 3 nearl( 0umped into the +in.1 3 held up a /inger to tell him to gi2e me a minute1 6/ter 3 /ini+hed4 3 turned around1 @35m done1 3t5+ all (our+1A 3 tried to +coot pa+t4 but he +topped me1 @3 need a /a2or1A Fi+ hand ,a+ /irm on m( elbo,1 3 t,irled m( pon(tail4 tr(ing to do +omething ,ith m( other hand to a2oid doing ,hat 3 reall( ,anted1 =u+t the /eel o/ hi+ /inger+ +ometime+ ga2e me goo+ebump+1 @6h4 (eah1 =er5+ .ind o/ occup(ing the room tonight1 6n( chance 3 could bun. ,ith (ouEA )( .nee+ /elt li.e =ell-<4 li.e an( minute 3 ,a+ going to drop to the /loor and ne2er reco2er /rom hearing hi+ +ex( 2oice a+.ing me to +hare a bed1 Gro,ing up4 >u.e and 3 +lept together ,a( more than an(one .ne,1 &2en all tho+e (ear+ a+ teen+4 ,hen nothing ,a+ going on1 Fe5d +leep o2er and ,e5d all be cra+hed out in the ba+ement on blan.et+4 and +omeho, ,e5d al,a(+ /ind our+el2e+ +ma+hed together in the morning1 -hi+ ,a+ no di//erent4 rightE 3 +uc.ed on m( bottom lip4 remembering ho, 35d ,o.en up la+t time4 ,hen he5d +ta(ed b( m( +ide ,hen 3 had too much to drin.1 @Ne2er mind1 3 can ta.e the couch4A he +aid be/ore 3 could e2en an+,er1 Fi+ 2oice +ounded de/lated4 li.e 3 0u+t told him the( +topped ma.ing hi+ /a2orite cereal or +omething1 Fe +pun around to lea2e4 but 3 tugged on hi+ belt loop1 @No4 it5+ /ine1 7ou don5t need to +leep on the couch1 3t5+ (our bed4 a/ter all1A Fi+ mood brightened immediatel(4 and ,hen hi+ hand patted m( butt to tell me to gi2e him a /e, pri2ate minute+4 3 .ne, 35d made a mi+ta.e1

Chapter 20
>u.e Getting )aggie to agree that 3 could +leep in m( bed had been a long +hot1 3 had no de+ire to ride the /uc.ing couch all night1 =erem( had +ome girl in hi+ room4 and ?ean loc.ed hi+ door :uic.l( a/ter the introduction+1 3 ,a+ +ure 35d hear all about it tomorro,4 e2er( la+t dirt( detail

do,n to i/ ?ean5+ girl ,a+ a true redhead or not1 )aggie too. me b( +urpri+e ,hen 3 ,al.ed into the bathroom1 *he had on the pant+ 35d gotten /or her to lea2e in m( dra,er in m( dorm room1 9hene2er 3 +a, +omething that had a /our-lea/ clo2er4 35d bu( it /or her1 3ncluding tho+e +,eat+1 )aggie had al,a(+ been m( good-luc. charm4 ,hether it ,a+ helping me +tud( /or a te+t to ace4 or ho, 35d al,a(+ pla( ,ell ,hen +he5d come ,atch m( ba+.etball game+1 For her +ixteenth birthda(4 35d gi2en her a clo2er bracelet4 e2en though ,e ,ere 0u+t /riend+1 3t ,a+ her /ir+t luc.( charm /rom me1 3 could +till remember ho, her /ace lit up ,hen +he opened it1 3 thin. her parent+ almo+t /ell to the /loor1 -hat5+ ,hen all the :ue+tion+ about ,hat ,a+ going on bet,een u+ +tarted1 -he bottom line ,a+ 3 lo2ed her bac. then4 a+ much a+ 3 lo2ed her no,1 3 0u+t ne2er told her becau+e ,e ,ere (oung and +tupid1 &2en bac. in high +chool4 3 .ne, )aggie and 3 ,ould end up together4 +o 3 tried to .eep her a+ a /riend until 3 ,a+ more mature1 B( nineteen4 3 couldn5t hold out an(more1 35d had m( /un4 and 3 0u+t ,anted her1 6nd 3 had her4 the per/ect girl4 but then +omeho, 3 didn5t1 *he5d alread( turned to /ace the ,all b( the time 3 ,al.ed in1 3t too. me a /e, minute+ o/ rationali%ing that thi+ ,a+ a per/ectl( /ine thing to be doing1 -o get in a bed ,ith the ,oman 3 ,anted to e2entuall( marr(4 and not touch her4 /or /ear o/ pu+hing her a,a(-unle++ +he ,anted me to1 6+ 3 +lipped in be+ide her4 3 noticed +he ,a+ +till in the pant+ 35d gotten her and a +.imp( tan.1 No, 3 ,a+ prett( +ure 3 ,a+n5t going to gi2e her an option1 Fer breathing gre, hea2ier li.e +he ,a+ +truggling to get it together1 3/ +he thought +he ,a+ going to pretend to be a+leep4 +he had another thing coming1 Becau+e 3 got a glimp+e o/ the +mall o/ her bac. and 3 couldn5t hold an(more1 ?one /ighting m( ,ant+4 3 ,rapped m( arm around her ,ai+t4 and /lipped her o2er to /ace me1 @>uuu.e4A +he ,arned1 @)a-ggie4A 3 +aid bac. in the +ame ,arning tone1 )( hand+ ,ere pla(ing ,ith the tie on her pa0ama bottom+1 @>u.e4 ,hat are (ou doingEA *he pulled her hair out o/ it+ band1 @Come a little clo+er4 Blue1A 3 +lo,l( pu+hed her bac. do,n4 too. her chin in m( hand4 and .i++ed her1 -he /act that +he hadn5t +topped me (et ,a+ all the encouragement 3 needed to .eep it going1 Becau+e 3 ,a+ +o hard /or her right no, that i/ +he turned me a,a(4 35d need t,ent( cold +ho,er+ to bring me bac. do,n to &arth1 @But111A 3 ho2ered abo2e her4 .i++ing her nec.4 a+ +he tried to rea+on ,ith me1 6nd 3 ,a+ a/raid her rea+oning ,a+ getting read( to tell me to +top4 +o 3 did ,hat 3 u+ed to do ,hen +he acted all 2irginal and ner2ou+1 @3t5+ 0u+t me4 )ag+1 Jelax1A 6+ +oon a+ 3 +aid it4 3 dipped lo,er and li/ted her +hirt up and o2er her head1 3 cupped her brea+t+ be/ore ta.ing them one at a time in m( mouth1 3 ,a+ +tar2ing /or her1 Fer bod( +ti//ened a+ m( hand +lipped bet,een her leg+1 3 rubbed her /or a minute o2er her +,eat+4 and once 3 /elt her relax4 3 +lipped m( hand in+ide her pantie+1 3 pee.ed up at her /rom .i++ing her +tomach4 ma.ing +ure +he ,a+ in /ull agreement ,ith ,here 3 ,a+ ta.ing thi+1 @6+ much a+ 3 lo2e that (ou are ,earing the+e4 can 3 ta.e them o//EA *he bit do,n on her lip4 +o 3 .ne, +he ,a+ a ball /ull o/ ner2e+1 3 +lid m( bod( up her+4 nibbling and ta+ting her lip1 @)aggie4 plea+eE *a( (e+4 +a( (ou ,ant me too1 Becau+e4 bab(4 3 can5t ta.e it much longer1A *he didn5t +a( an(thing4 but her e(e+ dared me to .eep going1 6nd 3 did1 3 +himmied her out o/ her pant+ and tugged o// mine a +econd later1 *he ,a+ +pread out4 her hair /anned around her /ace4 +trand+ l(ing loo+el( o2er her brea+t+1 3 pu+hed her hair to both +ide+ +o that 3 could get

the /ull 2ie, and then +ettled in bet,een her leg+1 3 ,a+n5t read( to ta.e her (et4 e2en though m( dic. ,a+ +creaming to get in+ide o/ her1 3 ,anted to en0o( e2er( minute ,ith her1 3 ,anted to .i++ e2er( inch o/ her per/ectl( peach +.in1 3 ,anted to ne2er4 e2er /orget thi+ moment1 Becau+e being ,ith )aggie ,a+ li.e coming home1 &2er(thing ,a+ /amiliar1 -he ,a( her bod( /it per/ectl( under mine4 the ,a( +he .i++ed me li.e ,e ,ere ne2er meant to .i++ an(one el+e1 -he ,a( +he +hi2ered ,hen 3 touched her4 li.e it ,a+ al,a(+ the /ir+t time ,e /ound each other1 *lin.ing bac. do,n +he +:uirmed underneath me until m( mouth ta+ted her +,eetne++1 3 could die bet,een the+e thigh+ and go to hell a 2er( happ( man1 *he ,a+ +oa.ing ,et4 and calling out m( name4 a+ +he arched her cute little bod(4 ,hile 3 tea+ed her ,ith m( tongue1 @>u.e4 plea+e1 No,1 *top ma.ing me ,ait1A 3 ga2e her a ,ic.ed +mile a+ 3 li/ted her leg+ to ,rap around m( hip+ be/ore 3 too. u+ +traight to hea2en1 6nd 35m not +ure i/ +he reali%ed it but 3 too. her ,ithout ,rapping it up1 6nd 3 didn5t gi2e a /l(ing /uc. about the con+e:uence+1 3 almo+t /elt li.e 3 ,a+ the gu( tr(ing to trap the girl1 3 ,a+ +o t,i+ted1 &2en a+ +he +lept next to me4 3 /elt li.e a /ra%%led me++1 >a+t night had been ama%ing4 and a+ pumped a+ 3 ,a+ to ha2e her bac. in m( bed4 3 ,a+ +hitting bric.+ ,aiting /or the ball to drop1 *he had her bod( curled around an extra pillo, that +he al,a(+ needed to /all a+leep1 3t ,a+ the little thing+ 3 remembered and al,a(+ /ollo,ed through on1 No matter ,hat 35d al,a(+ .ept three pillo,+ on m( bed1 )a(be it ,a+ in ca+e +he e2er came bac. into m( li/eB ma(be it ,a+ out o/ +heer habit1 35d ne2er :ue+tioned ,h( 3 had the extra pillo,4 3 0u+t did1 *he moaned a /e, time+ a+ +he +tirred and the onl( thing 3 could thin. o/ ,a+ not letting her mo2e1 )a.ing her remember ho, good it ,a+1 Fo, good it could be again i/ +he5d let me1 3 +lipped m( /inger+ under the +heet+4 trailing m( /inger do,n the cur2e o/ bod(4 delighting in the ,a( her +.in /elt1 -he +imple +hi2er ,hen 3 touched her let me .no, +he ,a+ a,a.e1 3 buried m( /ace into the bac. o/ her nec.4 ,rapping m( arm around her4 tugging her clo+er1 3 inhaled her +cent :uic.l(1 @)orning4 Blue1A *he rolled o2er hal/,a(4 grinning up at me1 @)orning (our+el/1A *he pec.ed m( chin1 6+ +he /lipped bac. o2er4 3 tilted m( head to loo. at the ceiling1 3 than.ed God4 m( mom4 m( dad4 m( bab( +i+ter4 and ,home2er el+e that ma( ha2e had a hand in thi+1 3 had no idea ho, it ,a+ going to be thi+ morning4 but 3 than.ed m( luc.( +tar+ )aggie had ,o.en up happ(1 @)ag+EA @9hatEA +he mumbled +leepil(1 @Can 3 a+. (ou +omethingEA 3 .no, 3 +houldn5t pre++ m( luc.4 but m( a+inine mouth apparentl( didn5t heed the ,arning1 *he turned o2er4 pre++ing a :uic. .i++ to m( lip+1 @6n(thing1A @6re (ou +ure about thi+E 3 can5t 0u+t ha2e a ca+ual thing ,ith (ou1 3t5+ all or nothing1 Plea+e tell me that (ou5re bac.4 Blue111A 9hen +he +miled genuinel(4 3 +cooped her into m( arm+1 @Becau+e 3 can5t do it again1A 3 .i++ed her mouth4 but pulled a,a(1 *he too. m( bottom lip ,ith her teeth4 nipping lightl(1 @35m not going an(,here4 >u.e1 3 lo2e (ou1 3t5+ al,a(+ been (ou1A 9ell4 ,eren5t tho+e the be+t damn ,ord+ to come o// her +,eet little lip+E 3 /elt /anta+tic4 gloriou+4 triumphant1 3/ +omeone a+.ed me to run a damn marathon4 35d lace up and go all 2 12 mile+1 -hat5+ ho, ama%ing it /elt to ha2e her in m( arm+ again1 6+ 3 held her clo+e4 3 couldn5t /orget the time+ ,here 35d ta.en too man( pill+4 or had too much to drin. to ea+e the pain o/ the la+t /e, (ear+1 No matter ,hat 35d done4 +ome,here the little 2oice in+ide m( head told me 3 needed to get m( +hit together1 3t ,a+ po++ible that +he5d come bac. +omeda(4 and 3 needed to be

read( /or her ,hen +he did1 3 gue++ 3 ,a+ right1 )aggie ,a+ under the blan.et+ a+leep ,hen 3 ,ent bac. to chec. on her1 3 0umped on the bed a /e, time+ to rou+e her1 *he rolled o2er1 @9hat are (ou doingEA 3 tugged on her hand to pull her out1 @3 ha2e +omething /or (ou1 9ell4 3 ha2e +omething /or u+1A *he grinned but gripped m( hand to /ollo, me1 @7ou ha2e +omething /or me in the bathroomEA +he a+.ed a+ ,e +tood in /ront o/ the clo+ed door1 3 turned the .nob4 and ,a+ hit b( the +mell o/ la2ender1 @6 bubble bathEA @7eah4 no, get na.ed1A Be/ore +he e2en too. o// her +hirt 3 ,a+ alread( +lipping in1 *he paced b( the +in.4 bru+hed her teeth4 and then loo.ed bac. do,n at me1 @Bab(4 get in here and +top thin.ing about it1A @Can (ou clo+e (our e(e+EA 3 rolled m( e(e+4 tr(ing to hold in m( laugh1 @6re (ou +eriou+E 35m not clo+ing m( e(e+1 352e +een (ou na.ed a thou+and time+1A @3 .no,1 3t5+ 0u+t11135m ner2ou+1A *he /idgeted ,ith the tie on her pant+4 li.e +he ,anted to4 but ,a+ +till he+itant1 3 +ighed1 @6ll right1 3/ that5+ ,hat it5+ gonna ta.e1 35m +hutting them1A 3 clo+ed m( e(e+1 <nce in4 +he ne+tled bet,een m( leg+1 -he +mell o/ la2ender hit me again a+ the bubble+ mo2ed around her bod(1 3 loo.ed o2er and noticed +he5d lit the candle on the +in. ,hile 3 had m( e(e+ +hut1 ?amnI *hould52e thought o/ that1 3 +,iped her hair to one +ide o/ her nec.4 letting m( mouth ,ander do,n her throat4 +pla(ing m( /inger+ acro++ her bell(1 @3 decided to ta.e that pa+tr( cla++4A +he blurted out1 @Good1A 3 .i++ed the bac. o/ her head1 @No, turn around1A 9ater +lo+hed and bubble+ mo2ed a+ +he +traddled me1 3 +tared into her e(e+ /or a /e, +econd+ running m( hand+ up her +tomach until 3 mo2ed them around to cup her a++4 li/ting her +lightl(1 9hen +he arched her bac.4 3 bent do,n to get a hold o/ her nipple in m( mouth4 but 3 .ept mo2ing bac. and /orth /rom one to the other1 3 couldn5t get enough1 3 ,ould ne2er get enough1 @>u.e111,e can5t4A +he moaned1 @35ll pull out4 bab(1A )( mouth /ound her+ again4 her tongue +liding in and out4 nibbling on m( lip+ e2er( /e, +econd+ be/ore +he5d +lip her tongue bac. in1 3 almo+t combu+ted be/ore it e2en got going1 3 +hi/ted her hip+ /or better acce++ and +lid in+ide1 *he moaned m( name one more time and then the door /le, open1 @<h4 +hitI *orr(1A ?ean laughed4 lingering /or an extra +econd1 Fe +tarted to clo+e the door4 but leaned bac. in1 )aggie had alread( +tuc. her head under m( armpit in her attempt to hide1 @B( the ,a(4 (ou need ,a( more bubble+4 and )ag+ (our tit+ are reall( not that +mall1A )aggie groaned4 ,hile 3 chuc.ed a hand/ul o/ ,ater at him1 @?ude4 get the /uc. outIA -he door +lammed1 )aggie +lo,l( pulled her head /rom her hiding +pot and pee.ed at the door to ma.e +ure it ,a+ clo+ed1 3 loo.ed at her apologeticall(1 @3 gue++ 3 /orgot to loc. it1A 9hen +he turned bac. to loo. at me4 ,e laughed uncontrollabl(1

>i.e mu+ic to m( ear+1

Chapter 21
)aggie -he /ir+t t,o ,ee.+ a/ter the bath incident ,ere per/ect1 9e did e2er(thing together and had the mo+t ama%ing night+ in bed4 /ooling around4 +ta(ing up all night tal.ing1 But then >u.e +tarted to ,or. li.e cra%(4 and our +hi/t+ ne2er +eemed to me+h4 and he barel( +eemed to ha2e time /or me1 Fe +lept all da( +ince he ,or.ed late4 and the onl( thing he ,anted to do once he5d got home ,a+ to hold me1 9hich 3 ,a+n5t complaining about-3 lo2ed being in hi+ arm+ all night1 Part o/ me ,ondered i/ +omething had happened or i/ he5d decided 3 ,a+n5t ,orth it an(more1 -hat perhap+ ,e +houldn5t ha2e +tarted o// li.e ,e had no pa+t1 3t ,a+ probabl( 0u+t me being paranoid4 the in+ecurit( +lamming bac. into me li.e an iron /i+t1 ?ean ,a+ no, +eeing a girl named -a(lor ,ho ,a+ adorable and /un to be around4 but the( +pent more time at her place than here1 =erem( ,a+ +till beha2ing li.e =erem( +ince he5d /ound out about ?ad-bringing home random girl+5 once in a ,hile1 )a(be it ,a+ hi+ ,a( o/ coping4 or tr(ing to /orget about it4 becau+e =erem( had ne2er been a pla(er1 Fe didn5t ha2e it in him be/ore1 6pparentl( he did no,1 3t ,a+ 0u+t pa+t nine ,hen the .noc. at the /ront door cau+ed me to 0ump1 35d been ,atching the Coo.ing Channel4 tr(ing to learn a /e, thing+ +ince 3 had the apartment to m(+el/1 =erem( told me he ,ouldn5t be home until ten /rom ,or.4 and ?ean ,ouldn5t be bac. at all1 Pee.ing through the peephole4 3 bac.ed up4 almo+t tripping o2er the +tool1 )( hand /le, to m( mouth a+ 3 contemplated i/ 3 +hould open the door1 3t5d been o2er three month+ +ince 35d heard one peep /rom him4 but no, )ax ,a+ +tanding on the other +ide1 Ner2ou+l(4 3 too. the /e, +tep+ to unloc. the door1 Be/ore actuall( +,inging it open4 3 inhaled and exhaled +e2eral time+ to get the courage to tell him 3 ,a+ bac. ,ith >u.e1 3 +hould52e called him age+ ago4 but it ,a+ not +omething 3 ,anted to do o2er the phone1 6nd +ince he5d prett( much ,ritten me o// b( not getting in contact4 35d a++umed he mo2ed on1 9hen 3 /inall( opened the door4 )ax loo.ed into m( e(e+4 +miling +h(l( li.e he ,a+ un+ure o/ ho, 3 ,ould react1 3 /la+hed a brie/ +mile1 Not +ure ,hat el+e to do4 3 u+hered him in+ide1 3 ,al.ed to,ard the .itchen to get m( head together4 and then he +,ung me around ,rapping hi+ arm+ around me1 @35m an a++hole4 )aggie1 3 +hould52e called (ou4A he +aid a+ he buried hi+ /ace into the croo. o/ m( nec.1 @Forgi2e me1 But 3 couldn5t +ta( a,a( an( longer1 35m +orr( to +ho, up out o/ the blue li.e thi+1A 3 edged a,a( /rom him to mo2e to get a gla++ o/ ,ater1 9hat 3 reall( ,anted ,a+ a cigarette4 but 3 ga2e tho+e up1 3 glanced at the cloc. to ma.e +ure 3 had enough time to tal. to him4 to explain ,hat had happened +ince ,e la+t +a, one another1 @3t5+ good to +ee (ou4A 3 +aid1 Becau+e it ,a+ true1 Fe ,a+ a /riend /ir+tB be/ore ,e5d +tarted to date4 and that ,a+ +omething 3 ne2er ,anted to lo+e1 Fe loo.ed heartbrea.ing tonight1 Fi+ hair had gro,n +ome4 ma.ing him appear a+ i/ he5d 0u+t +tepped out o/ bed4 and didn5t bother to run a comb through it1 Fe loo.ed cra%( good in hi+ >e2i5+ and blac. /itted --+hirt1 Fe coc.ed hi+ head to +tud( me1 @Fe(4 come here1A Fe reached out to grab hold o/ me and 3 let him pull me bac. into hi+ che+t1 @7ou loo. great4 )aggie1 3 mi++ed (ou +o much1A Fi+ arm+ ,rapped around me4 +:uee%ing me tightl( /or a /e, +econd+ be/ore /inall( relea+ing1 3 couldn5t mo2e1 3 couldn5t belie2e he ,a+ +tanding in m( .itchen1 @6re (ou 0u+t going to +tare at me4 or can ,e tal.EA he a+.ed1 Fe placed hi+ arm+ on m( +houlder+4 ga%e loc.ed on

mine4 and 3 could tell he ,a+ tr(ing to /igure out ,hat m( lac. o/ +peech meant1 3t ,a+ at that exact moment that the door /le, open1 9e turned to +ee =erem( +tanding b( the /ront door4 hi+ mouth hanging open at the +ight o/ u+1 3t probabl( didn5t loo. good to him1 Fe +hot an e2il e(e at )ax4 and glared at me1 @)aggie4 can 3 tal. to (ou /or a minute1 Pri2atel(IA he +aid through gritted teeth1 Nothing ,a+ happening or ,a+ going to happen4 but a+ >u.e5+ be+t /riend4 =erem( ,a+ ma.ing +ure1 3 excu+ed m(+el/ and /ollo,ed him into m( bedroom1 @9hat the hell i+ he doing hereEA 3 +hoo. m( head1 @3 don5t .no,1 Fe 0u+t +ho,ed up1 3 .no, it didn5t loo. good4 but he 0u+t got here /i2e minute+ ago1 9hat (ou +a, ,a+ u+ 0u+t u+ +a(ing hello1A Fe +hrugged hi+ one +houlder1 @<.a(4 ,ell no, tell him goodb(e becau+e ,hen >u.e /ind+ out4 he5+ going to be pi++ed1A 3 nodded1 @3 .no,1 35m going to tell )ax e2er(thing1 3 0u+t need a /e, minute+ alone ,ith him1A Fe cro++ed hi+ arm+ o2er hi+ che+t1 @35m not lea2ing1A 3 rai+ed m( e(ebro,+4 +neering at him1 @3 thin. 3 can manage alone1 Go hide in (our bedroom or +omething1A )ax +tuc. hi+ head in1 @3+ e2er(thing o.a(E 3 didn5t mean to cau+e an( i++ue+1A *lo,l(4 =erem( turned to /ace him1 Fe loo.ed bet,een u+4 and then +tormed out o/ m( room4 clipping )ax in the +houlder a+ he le/t1 @*hit4 )aggie 3 hope m( coming to +ee (ou ,a+n5t the ,rong thing to do1A @No1 35m glad (ou came1 Come +it do,n1A 3 patted the bed /or him to +it do,n next to me1 @9e need to tal.1A Fe let out a rather large +igh4 but +at1 @Nothing good come+ /rom tho+e /our little ,ord+1A @No4 3 gue++ not1A 3 dropped m( head into m( hand+1 @35m bac. ,ith >u.e1 35m +orr(1 3t 0u+t .ind o/ happened4 and 3 +hould52e called (ou but4111but 3 couldn5t1 3 ha2en5t heard /rom (ou4 +o1113 .no, (ou don5t de+er2e thi+4 an( o/ thi+1A Fe +tared into m( e(e+ /or ,hat +eemed li.e /ore2er4 ob2iou+l( un+ettled b( m( admi++ion1 Fe +ighed1 @9hat reall( happened4 )aggieE 3 ,a+ o//ering (ou a chance o/ a li/etime1 35d o//ered (ou (our dream to .eep (ou b( m( +ide1 9a+ it m( /ol.+ ,ho /rea.ed (ou outEA @-hat5+ 0u+t it1 3 ,ant thi+ dream to happen4 but on m( o,n term+1 3t pi++ed me o// that (ou expected me to ta.e the mone(1 7our dad5+ mone(1 -he pre++ure 3 /elt ,hen (ou told me-(ou +hould52e a+.ed me ,hen ,e ,ere alone4 )ax1 3t ,ouldn5t ha2e changed an(thing4 but (ou +houldn5t ha2e put me on the +pot li.e that1 6nd to /orce me to mo2e bac. to Ne, 7or.1 3 .no, ho, (ou /eel about me4 and 3 care about (ou1 3 do1 )ore than (ou .no,1 But4 3 lo2e >u.e +o much1 3 ne2er +topped1A )ax +tood and ran hi+ hand+ up and do,n hi+ thigh+4 /ru+trated1 @*o that5+ itE 7ou5re bac. in lo2e ,ith him4 and our time together meant nothing to (ouEA 3 +tood1 @3 didn5t +a( that1 3t meant e2er(thing to me1 7ou are the onl( rea+on 3 got through Ne, 7or.1 3/ it hadn5t been /or (ou111(ou 0u+t don5t under+tand1A Fe had to hear the /ru+tration in m( 2oice1 3 certainl( could1 )ax cut me o// b( grabbing hold o/ me4 hi+ hand+ gripping m( ,ri+t+1 @9ell4 help me under+tand ,h( (ou5re bac. ,ith him and not me1 9hat the hell ,a+ ,rong ,ith me lo2ing (ouE 7ou le/t him /or t,o (ear+ becau+e o/ e2er(thing that happened1 Fo, could (ou 0u+t /all bac. +o ea+il(EA Fe5d rai+ed hi+ 2oice4 and 3 ,a+ a/raid =erem( ,ould come in and +tart a /ight1 -ear+ ,elled in m( e(e+4 ,atching thi+ +,eet gu( tell me ho, much he lo2ed me1

@3t5+ not the onl( rea+on 3 le/t >u.e4 )ax1 9e ha2e +o much hi+tor(1 9e52e al,a(+ lo2ed each other1 7ou don5t .no, all the rea+on+1A Fe loo+ened hi+ grip but didn5t let go1 @9ell4 no, (ou ha2e me curiou+1 *o 3 ha2e one :ue+tion1A @7eah4 thi+ ,hole thing actuall( lea2e+ ,ith me t,o :ue+tion+1A >u.e5+ 2oice thundered /rom the bedroom door1 Fe loo.ed at both o/ u+4 and then /ocu+ed on me1 9hen he +a, m( +urpri+ed /ace4 he +aid4 @3 got o// earl( to come home and be ,ith m( girl4 becau+e 3 .no, 352e been bu+( latel(1 But 3 gue++ the +urpri+e i+ on me4 huhEA 3 +hoo. o// )ax5+ grip to get to >u.e1 >u.e held me o// .eeping the di+tance bet,een u+1 @No4 )aggie1 7ou don5t get to run into m( arm+ and pretend li.e +omething i+n5t going do,n1A 3 +,allo,ed1 @Nothing i+ going do,n1 Fe 0u+t +ho,ed up1 3 had no idea1A >u.e glanced o2er m( +houlder to )ax4 clenching and unclenching hi+ 0a,1 @Fe5+ in our bedroom1 -ell me4 )ag+4 ,hat5+ the real rea+on (ou le/tE 6nd ,h( i+ he +tanding in our room4 )aggieE <ur /uc.ing room ,ith a +uitca+e li.e he plan+ on +ta(ingEA he (elled1 3 t,i+ted +lightl( to pee. o2er m( +houlder1 @)ax4 (ou +hould go1 35m reall(4 reall( +orr( /or hurting (ou1 But (ou +hould52e called /ir+t1A )ax didn5t mo2e1 @3 ,ant to .no, the rea+on 3 didn5t ,in1 7ou ha2en5t +aid it (et4 )aggie and 3 +ure a+ +hit had no idea (ou could be thi+ cruel1A >u.e appeared li.e he ,a+ read( to pounce4 but 3 could tell b( hi+ demeanor that ,hen he +hi/ted hi+ /ocu+ bac. to me4 he too ,a+ ,aiting /or m( rea+on1 3 couldn5t /ace either o/ them1 -hi+ ,a+ it1 Fead do,n4 3 +po.e +o/tl(1 @3 ,a+ pregnant1A 3 ne2er got a good loo. at )ax be/ore he le/t4 but 3 could hear hi+ hea2( breathing behind me1 6nd then the +ound o/ hi+ /oot+tep+ a+ he ,al.ed a,a(1 Fe ,a+ gone1 >u.e /ell to hi+ .nee+ once )ax too. o//1 Fe loo.ed up into m( e(e+4 ,hi+pering +o +o/tl( (ou almo+t couldn5t hear ,hat he ,a+ +a(ing1 @7ou ,ere pregnantE -hat5+ ,h(EA 3 nodded4 unable to +pea.1 =erem( appeared but +ta(ed in the door,a(1 >u.e +tood4 +uddenl( enraged4 hi+ hand+ balled into /i+t+ at hi+ +ide+1 @7ou le/t me becau+e (ou ,ere pregnantE -hat ma.e+ no +en+e1 9a+ the bab( mineEA 3 reached out to touch him4 but he pulled a,a(1 @</ cour+e it ,a+4 >u.e1 3 ,a+ ne2er ,ith an(one el+e1 Fo, could (ou e2en a+. me thatEA >u.e +tarted to pace4 pinching the bridge o/ hi+ no+e1 @9hat the hell ,ere (ou thin.ingEA Fe +topped abruptl(4 hi+ e(e+ bulging1 @9here5+ m( bab(EA 9hen 3 didn5t an+,er him4 he groaned1 @<h m( God4 (ou got rid o/ it4 didn5t (ouEA Fe hollered +o loud 3 0umped bac.1 =erem( mo2ed clo+er to me1 >u.e ,a+ onl( +eeing red4 and 3 thin. ma(be =erem( meant to .eep me out o/ harm+ ,a(1 @>u.e4 calm do,n4 bro4A =erem( +aid1 >u.e barel( ga2e him a glance be/ore he +tarted +creaming again1 @9ell4 an+,er me4 damn itIA @3 didn5t1 3 promi+e1 3 lo+t the bab( ,hen 3 ,a+ 0u+t o2er /our month+1 3 didn5t mean it1 3t 0u+t happened1 35m +o +orr(4 >u.e1A 35d gone to reach out to him4 but he +tepped bac.1 @3 ,ant to .no, ,hat happened4 )aggie1 -ell me the /uc.ing truthIA Fe +tood tall4 leaning into m( brother to get to me4 but =erem( bloc.ed him4 holding him bac.1 3 ,a+n5t a/raid o/ him1 >u.e ,ould ne2er-e2er hurt me1 But m( heart ,a+ brea.ing1 @3 didn5t ,ant to ruin (our li/e1 7ou .ept tal.ing about ho, great college ,a+4 the part(ing4 the /rat4 grad +chool4 ho, (ou ,anted to tra2el1 3 didn5t ,ant (ou to re+ent the bab(4 or me4 +o 3 le/t1 3 thought 3 could do it on m( o,n1 3 ,a+n5t able to ta.e proper care o/ m(+el/1 3 ,a+ +tre++ed out and not in a good place4 +o 3 lo+t the bab(1 -hat5+ the truth1A )( ,ord+ ,ere hardl(

abo2e a ,hi+per4 but to get it o// m( che+t /elt +o /reeing1 @*o4 (ou lied about ?adEA =erem( a+.ed1 3 +tepped around to /ace m( brother1 @God4 no4 =er1 3 hated li2ing there e2er(da(1 *eeing him4 tal.ing to him4 pretending li.e nothing e2er happened1 3 ,anted to beg (ou or >u.e to get me out o/ there4 but then (ou ,ere both +o happ(4 and 3 ,a+ ha2ing a bab(1 6 bab( 3 didn5t thin. >u.e ,a+ read( /or1 *o 3 le/t1 3 couldn5t rai+e a bab( at home1 3 ,a+ +o +cared i/ it ,a+ a girl4 and ?ad111 3 0u+t couldn5t do it1 3 didn5t .no, ,hat el+e to do1 3 ,a+ 0u+t +o +cared1A Fea2(4 +orro,/ul tear+ +treamed do,n m( /ace ,ith no +ign+ o/ +toppage1 >u.e +ho2ed =erem(1 @3 +,ear to God i/ (ou .ne, about thi+ bab(4 then ,e5re no longer /riend+1A @>u.e4 3 didn5t .no,1 3 promi+e1 3 ,ould ne2er .eep +omething li.e that /rom (ou1 7ou .no, that1A 9ith a /ace o/ pure di+gu+t4 >u.e turned to me1 @7ou ,ant to .no, e2er(thing that 3 0u+t heard4 )aggieEA 9hen 3 didn5t an+,er4 he continued1 @-hat (ou not tru+ting me and ,hat ,e had4 ,hen 3 ne2er ga2e (ou an( rea+on to doubt m( lo2e /or (ou4 cau+ed (ou to lo+e m( bab(1 )( bab(IA he (elled4 pointing to hi+ che+t1 Fe too. a deep breath1 @3 ,ould +till ha2e a /amil(1 3 .no, Phoebe and m( /ol.+ are gone4 but that bab(1 7ou and that bab( could52e +a2ed me4 )aggie1 6nd no,1114A he +aid in the +adde+t 2oice 35d e2er heard1 >u.e pulled me to him1 @*hit4 )aggie1 7ou +hould52e told me1 3 ,ould52e ta.en care o/ (ou1 3 don5t .no, ,hat to do or +a( right no,1 35m +o +orr( (ou didn5t tru+t me1 35m +orr( about (our ?ad and not being there1A Fe pre++ed hi+ lip+ to mine +o/tl(4 and pulled a,a(1 @6nd 35m +orr(4 but right no, 3 need to get out o/ here be/ore 3 +a( +omething el+e 35ll regret1A >u.e turned to,ard the clo+et4 grabbed hi+ du//el bag /rom the +hel/4 and +tu//ed hi+ clothe+ in+ide1 =erem( and 3 ,atched :uietl( a+ he ,ent /rom dra,er to dra,er1 Finall(4 =erem( +tepped /or,ard1 @9here (ou going4 manE ?on5t do thi+1 -al. to her1A >u.e +topped pac.ing momentaril(4 but didn5t turn to /ace m( brother1 @35m done tal.ing4 =er1 3 lo2e (our +i+ter more than an(thing in thi+ ,orld1 3 ,anted to gi2e her e2er(thing4 and thi+ i+ ,hat 3 get in returnE 3 need +ome +pace4 bro1A 9ith tho+e la+t ,ord+4 3 +creamed and dropped to m( .nee+4 pleading /or him to +ta(1 But he didn5t1 Fe le/t4 and didn5t loo. bac.1 3 .ne, hearing thi+ ,a+ going to .ill him a/ter lo+ing hi+ /amil(1 6ll that pain he had /elt ,a+ probabl( hitting him li.e a +ledgehammer1 3 had +u//ered +o much pain too1 -he da( 3 lo+t our bab(4 3 couldn5t breathe1 3t too. da(+ and da(+ to gain the courage to get out o/ bed and pu+h /or,ard1 35d ne2er been +o de2a+tated in m( entire li/e1 3t ,a+ the onl( piece o/ >u.e 3 had ta.en ,ith me1 6nd 3 couldn5t e2en hold onto that1

Chapter 22
>u.e 3 ,a+ lo+ing m( mind4 all +en+e o/ control1 3 had no idea ,here 3 ,a+ going to go1 6nd 3 didn5t care1 )( li/e /elt empt( again1 -he +ame hollo,ne++ that too. o2er t,o (ear+ ago ,a+ bac.1 3 ,a+ be(ond mad1 3 ,a+ in/uriated ,ith )aggie and her lie+1 >ie+ that +hould52e ne2er been co2ered up1 3 didn5t under+tand ho, +he could52e done that to me1 6ll that time 3 thought +he .ne, ho, much +he meant to me1 Fo, much 3 /uc.ing lo2ed her1 )( memor( o/ that la+t night4 the one ,hen +he le/t4 ,a+ +till /re+h in m( mind1 3 re2i+ited it on a dail( ba+i+ to tr( to /igure out ,hat 35d done to ma.e her lea2e1 7eah4 3 boa+ted about m( li/e4 but +he5d al,a(+ been a part o/ it1 3 ne2er once e2en thought about4 or loo.ed at another girl a/ter that /ir+t .i++ and

,e5d /inall( gotten our +hit together1 &2en /rom a little girl4 )aggie cau+ed +o man( emotion+4 +o man( /eeling+ in m( li/e1 =ealou+(4 lu+t4 pa++ion4 de+ire4 lo2e4 de2otion4 in/uriation1 7ou name the /eelingB +he ,a+ the one that brought it on1 6nd4 no, thi+1 3 de+peratel( ,anted to run bac. and pull her into m( arm+ ,hen +he5d cried out m( name4 but 3 couldn5t1 3 ,anted to +cream and +hout about ,h( +he le/t me in the dar.E 9h( +he didn5t come bac. a/ter lo+ing our bab(E But4 no, 3 couldn5t1 3 ,a+n5t e2en +ure i/ it ,a+ going to be po++ible to e2er loo. at her /ace and not /eel the di+appointment4 the /ru+tration and the contempt 3 had /or her at the moment1 3t /elt li.e +he5d .illed me ,hen +he le/t t,o (ear+ ago1 No, 3 reali%e 3 ,a+ ,rong bac. then1 -hat pain ,a+ nothing compared to thi+1 -hi+ ,a+ ,hat real pain /elt li.e1 -o /eel completel( de+tro(ed1 3 trul( hated )aggie /or the /ir+t time in m( li/e1 ?eep do,n4 her mi+carriage ,a+ not her /ault1 3 .ne, that1 But +ome ,eird 2oice .ept (elling at me that it ,a+1 -hat i/ 35d .no,n4 i/ +he5d +tuc. around4 +he ,ould52e ta.en better care o/ her+el/1 -here ,ould ha2e been no +tre++1 No ,orrie+ about her next meal4 or ma.ing rent1 Becau+e 35d ha2e mo2ed the earth to ta.e care o/ her and mo2e in together1 35d al,a(+ thought m( intention+ to +pend /ore2er ,ith her ,ere clear1 6pparentl(4 3 ,a+ ,rong1 -here ,ould be a bab( no, i/ +he tru+ted me1 )( bab(1 3 ne2er once thought about being a /ather +o (oung1 35m +ure i/ +he5d told me bac. then4 3 probabl( ,ould52e /rea.ed initiall(4 but thi+ ,a+ )aggie ,e ,ere tal.ing about4 not +ome random chic. 35d .noc.ed up1 3 ,ould52e made m(+el/ read(1 3 barel( e2en remember dri2ing there4 but mile+ and mile+ later4 bet,een the tear+ and pain 3 ,a+ hal/,a( through the >incoln -unnel1 3 ,a+ on autopilot1 3 /ound a *heraton and chec.ed in4 exhau+ted /rom dri2ing +traight through1 9hat the hell ,a+ 3 doing in Ne, 7or.E )aggie4 ?ean and =erem( had been blo,ing up m( phone4 but 3 let it all go to 2oicemail1 3 hardl( le/t the hotel room1 9hen 3 did4 3 roamed aimle++l( through the +treet+4 m( brain /ried /rom thin.ing e2er(thing through1 )( room +er2ice bill ,a+ going to be ridiculou+ and 3 ,a+ prett( +ure 35d lo+t m( 0ob1 3t ,a+ a *aturda( night4 and 3 had :ue+tion+ 3 needed an+,ered1 3 /igured he5d be ,or.ing +o 3 made m( ,a( to )aggie5+ old ,or.place1 )ax ,a+ tending the bac. bar ,hen 3 got there and luc.( /or me it ,a+ prett( :uiet +ince it ,a+ onl( pa+t nine1 9hen he glanced up4 3 thought he ,a+ going to +plit4 but he regained compo+ure once he +a, the big-a++ bouncer b( the bac. door1 @9hat can 3 do /or (ou4 >u.eE Becau+e 35m not in the mood /or an( game+1A 3 +hrugged4 under+tanding4 and ordered a beer1 6 bottle o/ beer ,a+ placed do,n in /ront o/ me1 @9hat5+ thi+ aboutE 3+ e2er(thing o.a( ,ith )aggieEA Fi+ hand+ re+ted on the edge o/ the bar4 ,atching me1 @3 don5t .no,1 3 too. o//1A @6nd (ou came here to /ind meE 9h(EA 3 +hrugged again and drained m( beer1 @3 ha2e +omething 3 ,a+ ,ondering about the t,o o/ (ou1A @7eah4 ,hat5+ thatEA he a+.ed4 uncapping another beer /or me1 @?id (ou and )aggie e2er111did (ou e2er ha2e +exEA Fe /linched at m( :ue+tion1 @Jeall(E 7ou came all the ,a( here to a+. me i/ 3 got ,ith (our girlEA @3 don5t /uc.ing .no, ,h( 35m here1A @3 don5t ,ant to /ight (ou4 >u.e1 7ou ,ant to .no, the truthE 35ll tell (ou becau+e 3 thin. (ou de+er2e it1 7eah4 )aggie and 3 had +ex1A

3 clo+ed m( e(e+ tr(ing to get that image o/ another man putting hi+ hand+ on m( )aggie4 but it ,a+ too late1 -he image ,a+ alread( there and it ,a+ m( /ault /or a+.ing1 @?id +he e2er tell (ou that +he lo2ed (ouEA @>oo. man4 3 .no, (ou5re hurting right no,1 3 tal.ed to )aggie1A 3 +tood up4 read( to thro, a punch4 but he held up hi+ hand+1 @&a+(1 *he called me to apologi%e and that5+ it1 3 ,ant to tell (ou right no,- 3 lo2ed that girl1 But +he ne2er lo2ed me bac.1 *he doe+n5t ,ant me that ,a(4 ne2er ha+1 Not li.e ho, +he lo2e+ (ou1 9ere ,e togetherE 7eah4 ,e ,ere4 but )aggie al,a(+ +eemed di+connected1 3 thought it ,a+ ,hat +he5d been through a+ a .id4 but no, 3 .no, it ,a+n5t1 *he /eel+ horrible /or running /rom (ou and ta.ing (our chance at a /amil(1 *he doe+n5t de+er2e (ou hating her right no,1 *he .no,+ +he me++ed up1 *he .no,+ (ou de+er2ed the truth ,a( bac. ,hen4 and then again ,hen (ou /ound her1 7ou ha2e to go bac. to her4 man1 *he5+ hurting bad1 -hin. about ,hat +he ,ent through ,ith her dad1 *he ,a+ +cared he5d hurt the bab(1A @-han.+ /or the ad2ice4 but 3 don5t .no, i/ 3 can1A 3 thre, a t,ent( on the bar be/ore ,al.ing out1 3 +till had no clue ,h( 35d cho+e to come here1 3t ,a+ +tupid1 3t onl( cau+ed more pain1 -he onl( good thing that came /rom thi+ ,a+ .no,ing that +he ne2er reall( lo2ed him1 3 had 0u+t gotten bac. to m( hotel room ,hen m( phone ,ent o// again1 3 glanced do,n at another text /rom ?ean1 Plea+e bro call me1 9e5re ,orried about (ou1 8uic.l(4 3 tapped in a me++age1 35m /ine1 ?on5t ,orr( about me1 3 didn5t ,ant to be in Ne, 7or. an(more4 +o a/ter chec.ing out4 3 headed ,e+t1 3 had a /eeling 3 ,a+ ma.ing m( ,a( home4 but ,a+n5t +ure i/ 3 ,a+ read( to deal ,ith +eeing )aggie (et1 35d been gone 0u+t o2er a ,ee.4 and in that time 3 deleted o2er /i/t( 2oicemail+ /rom her1 3 ne2er li+tened to an( one o/ them1 3 thought about going +outh /or a ,hile4 but 3 ended up gi2ing in a/ter li+tening to one o/ =erem(5+ me++age+ ,here he all but cried begging me to come bac.1 -hat and that alone ,a+ ,h( 3 ,a+ almo+t bac. to the 9ind( Cit(1 )( car idled in /ront o/ the apartment building1 )aggie5+ car ,a+ gone1 Nobod( ,a+ home ,hen 3 /inall( ,al.ed in+ide that morning1 3 +topped to chec. all around1 Nothing +eemed to ha2e changed ,hile 3 ,a+ a,a(4 but then again ,hat ,a+ 3 expectingE &2en i/ 35d onl( been gone /or eight da(+4 it /elt li.e /ore2er1 *lo,l(4 m( /eet dragged me to our bedroom1 -he /unn( thing i+4 be/ore 3 le/t4 35d di+tanced m(+el/ a little /rom )aggie almo+t li.e 3 .ne, +omething ,a+ going to happen1 6t /ir+t4 35d planned on coming +traight out and a+.ing her to marr( me-let me bu( (ou (our dream4 )aggie4 let me be the /ather o/ (our children1 *o man( time+ 35d +tared at her ,hile +he +lept to +ee the +hi/t in her1 *he changed in tho+e t,o (ear+ that +he ,a+ gone1 3 ,a+ a/raid o/ lo+ing her4 that +he ,ould turn m( propo+al do,n4 +o 3 pu+hed her a,a( a little to +ee i/ +he5d +nap bac. at me1 Con/ront me1 Ne2er once did +he a+. me ,hat ,a+ ,rong4 or tr( to ma.e a mo2e on me1 3 didn5t .no, ho, to deal ,ith it1 -ho+e t,o (ear+ ,ith her gone ,ere hell on me4 and 3 couldn5t imagine an entire li/e ,ithout her1 <ur room ,a+ 2acant ,hen 3 +tepped in1 )( old com/orter ,a+ bac. on4 her /rill( pin. one ,a+ gone1 Fer ma.e-up ,a+ no longer +tre,n about out on the dre++er top1 -he onl( remaining thing ,a+ a picture o/ u+ ,hen ,e ,ere nineteen +itting on the night+tand next to the bed1 3t ,a+ m( /a2orite photo o/ the t,o o/ u+1 9e had 0u+t +tarted to date4 and 3 ,a+ in a,e o/ her1 9e loo.ed ridiculou+l( in lo2e4 and that5+ ,hat made it the be+t1 7ou could hone+tl( +ee ho, ,e /elt about each other 0u+t loo.ing at a damn picture1 *he ,a+ gone1

9here 3 had no idea1 -he +ame pain /la+hed through m( bod( li.e it had the /ir+t time1 3 chuc.ed m( bag on the bed4 and hauled m( a++ out o/ there1 3t had been a ,hile +ince 3 2i+ited the cemeter(4 and it ,a+ a long o2erdue 2i+it1 -he three head+tone+ ,ith their name+ on them ,ere to,ard the bac. under a big maple tree1 35d pic. that +pot +ince m( mom al,a(+ lo2ed the +hade1 *he hated being in the +un /or too long4 there/ore 3 didn5t ,ant her to +pend eternit( ,ith the +un beating do,n on her1 -ear+ hit me a+ +oon a+ m( .nee+ touched the gra++1 3 cried /or lo+ing them4 /or lo+ing )aggie4 /or lo+ing the bab( 3 ne2er .ne, about4 /or lo+ing me all o2er again1 3 hadn5t e2en heard him come up /rom behind me4 but 3 .ne, hi+ +hoe+ ,hen the( came into 2ie,1 @Fe(4 man4A 3 +aid to ?ean ,iping a,a( the tear+ that had /allen /rom m( e(e+1 Fi+ hand re+ted on m( +houlder1 @3 +a, (our bag in the room4 +o 3 .ne, (ou ,ere bac.1 3 had a /eeling (ou5d be here1A *tanding4 3 bru+hed +ome gra++ /rom m( .nee+4 and let out a deep breath1 Fe draped hi+ arm acro++ m( +houlder1 @>et5+ go get +ome co//ee and tal. /or a little bit1A 3 ga2e one la+t glance bac. at Phoebe5+ head+tone4 +miled4 then /ollo,ed ?ean out o/ there1 Be/ore ,e got to m( car4 3 came to a +top1 @9here5d )aggie goEA @Fome1 No, let5+ go1A *hitI -hat5+ ,hat 3 ,a+ a/raid o/1 -hat5+ the la+t place +he ,anted to be4 and no, m( anger to,ard her pu+hed her bac. to the one place +he de+pi+ed1 9e5d 0u+t gotten to a +mall diner to grab a bite ,hen ?ean /inall( ga2e me a .no,ing hal/ +mile1 @3 .no, (ou5re pi++ed at her1 3 ,ould be too1 But thin. about it4 man1 9hat +he did4 +he did /or (ou and that bab(1 3 .no, (ou don5t +ee it that ,a(4 becau+e (our /amil( i+ all gone4 but +he did1 *he thought +he ,a+ going to bring (ou do,n4 ruin (our li/e1 Could (ou imagine i/ +he had a girl4 and he touched her ,hen +he got biggerE *he ,a+ protecting that bab(1 7ou need to either /orgi2e her and mo2e pa+t it4 or mo2e on ,ithout her1 7ou can5t 0u+t +hut do,n4 +tart drin.ing4 doing drug+ again becau+e +hit didn5t go a+ ea+il( a+ (ou anticipated1 9e5re +till here1 =er4 and me4 ,e5re not going an(,here1 9e5ll be (our /amil(1A 3 loo.ed up /rom m( co//ee ,hen he /ini+hed1 @7ou5re alread( m( /amil(4 but than.+ /or +a(ing it1A @*o4 ,here (ou beenEA Fe a+.ed1 3 +hoo. m( head4 +till unable to belie2e it1 @Ne, 7or.1 3 ,ent to +ee )ax1A 3 held up m( hand+ ,hen he loo.ed li.e he ,a+ con/u+ed1 @Not to +tart an(thing1 3 0u+t1113 don5t .no,1 3 ,anted to .no, ho, clo+e the( had gotten ,hen +he li2ed there1A @?id (ou /ind outEA @Cn/ortunatel(4 (eah1A ?ean /ro,ned in under+tanding1 @35m going all big bro on (ou no, o.a(4 +o don5t +a( an(thing until 35m done1A <nce 3 nodded4 he continued1 @*he5+ no di//erent then (ou4 man1 <nce (ou reali%ed +he ,a+n5t coming bac. ,hen +he le/t4 (ou nailed e2er(thing and an(thing that loo.ed (our ,a(1 Fell4 be/ore (ou e2en got ,ith her (ou had +ome girl+ under (our belt1 ?on5t cruci/( her /or being human1 )ax helped her1 *he made a mi+ta.e1 6 big /uc.ing mi+ta.e not telling (ou about the bab(4 but thing+ happen /or a rea+on1 -hat bab( ,a+n5t meant to be1 But it doe+n5t mean (ou t,o can5t get (our +hit together and tr( again1 7ou ha2e mone(4 (ou ha2e a 0ob1 6 +hit 0ob4 but (ou lo2e her4 and don5t tell me (ou don5t1 )aggie ha+ al,a(+ been the girl /or (ou +ince ,e ,ere little4 and that i+ a /act1 *he5+ (our epic lo2e4 man1 Not man( people get that one per+on that the(5re meant to be ,ith1 &2en =erem( .ne, ho, (ou /elt about her1 6n( idiot could tell 0u+t b( the ,a( (ou loo.ed at her1 -he ,a( (ou +till loo. at her1 &2er(one de+er2e+ a +econd chance1

)aggie de/initel( doe+1A 6/ter the ,aitre++ /illed out co//ee+4 3 tipped m( head bac. on the edge o/ the 2in(l +eating1 @3 don5t .no, i/ 3 can /orgi2e her /or thi+1 3 don5t .no, i/ it5+ po++ible /or me to mo2e pa+t it1 35ll al,a(+ lo2e )aggie4 but there ,a+ a bab(4 and it5+ gone1 3 +till can5t under+tand ,h( +he didn5t tru+t me1A 3 ran m( hand+ through m( hair4 grunting1 Fi+ +houlder+ +lumped1 @-a.e +ome time to thin. about it at lea+t1 ?on5t ru+h into an(thing1 *he5+ home ,ith her mom /or no,1 *he5+ ha+n5t been bac. +ince (ou le/t4 and =er +a(+ +he5+ not planning on coming bac.1 *he5+ ta.ing that cla++ and .eeping bu+(1 But4 3 had lunch ,ith her t,o da(+ ago4 and +he loo.+ li.e +hit4 man1 *he lo2e+ (ou and (ou .no, that1A Fe pulled out a /e, crumpled up en2elope+4 handing them to me1 @*he ,anted me to gi2e (ou the+e1 >et her bac. in1A 3 /aced him again1 @3 hate (ou right no,4A 3 +aid4 but he +miled bac. at me .no,ing that 3 ,a+ 0u+t tea+ing him /or being +o up /ront ,ith me1 3 +lipped out o/ the booth4 +tretching m( arm+ o2er m( head1 3 ,a+ beat4 and needed to +leep +oon1 3 grabbed the .e(+ o// the table1 @9here (ou goingEA Fe a+.ed4 a+ he +lipped out next to me1 @3 don5t .no,1 Fome1A @9h( don5t (ou go get (our ,oman /ir+tEA 3 rubbed the hair on hi+ head1 @9h( don5t (ou gi2e me a /e, da(+ to +ort m( +hit outEA Fe +mir.ed4 but laughed1 @7eah4 all right1A 3 had a degree in /inance4 3 needed to +tart u+ing it1 3 .ne, i/ 3 .ept ,or.ing at bar+4 3 ,ould +ettle +ince 3 didn5t need the mone(1 But4 3 ,anted to ma.e +omething o/ m(+el/4 and (eah ma(be e2en do the ,hole nine to /i2e crap1 3 hadn5t +een or +po.en to )aggie +ince 3 got bac.1 =erem( ,a+ up m( a++ about it4 and about her1 Fe told me he couldn5t .eep a +ecret /rom her and that he let her .no, that 3 ,a+ bac. in to,n1 But4 3 couldn5t do it1 3 couldn5t /ace her (et1 -he thought o/ it hurt too damn much1 3 read her letter+4 and each one .illed me1 -he( ,ere all /illed ,ith apologie+4 the truth4 a /e, e2en a+.ed i/ +he could come home1 God4 ho, 3 ,i+h +he ,ould ha2e +ent the+e1 3 /inall( under+tood her1 9h( +he le/t4 ho, +cared +he ,a+4 but 3 +till couldn5t come to grip+ ,ith it all4 and call her1 -he pain +till +at on m( che+t li.e +omeone dropped a huge boulder on to me1 GGG 3t ,a+n5t until three ,ee.+ later that ,e ran into )aggie at the +ame diner that ?ean ,ent all big bro on me1 ?ean4 m(+el/ and Fa(le(4 a girl 35d become /riend+ ,ith /rom the bar ,ere in there grabbing +ome lunch4 ,hen +he +trolled in through the door+1 3 almo+t cho.ed on m( /ood1 3 ,i+hed 3 could +a( 3 /orgot about )aggie4 but 3 didn5t1 <2er the la+t /e, ,ee.+ Fa(le( made it .no,n +he ,a+ loo.ing /or more than /riend+hip4 but 3 couldn5t ta.e her up on it1 Not (et1 3 ,anted to mo2e on1 3 con2inced m(+el/ to /orgi2e )aggie4 and 3 did1 3 /orga2e her /or e2er(thing1 3 0u+t hadn5t had the gut+ to tell her to her /ace1 3 ,a+ terri/ied that i/ 3 let her bac. in4 it ,ould be the real end o/ me1 -hat /inal nail in m( co//in1 *he +tarted to come o2er4 but pau+ed ,hen +he +a, Fa(le( lean in to .i++ me on the chee.1 3 clo+ed m( e(e+4 and b( the time 3 reopened them +he ,a+ gone4 and the onl( thing 3 could +ee ,a+ the door +,inging +hut1 ?ean didn5t e2en +ee her4 becau+e he ,a+ /acing the oppo+ite direction4 but he +a, m( /ace1 @9hat5+ the matterEA @Nothing1A 3 too. a bite out o/ m( +and,ich4 /eeling Fa(le( +:uee%ing m( thigh under

the table1 *he ,a+ cute4 /riendl(4 /un4 and +ex( but 3 didn5t ,ant to complicate thing+ until 3 .ne, /or +ure ,here m( head ,a+ ,hen it came to )aggie1 ?eep do,n 3 .ne, the real rea+on1 *tarting a ne, relation+hip and ha2ing +ex ,ith Fa(le( ,ouldn5t /ix me1 3t ,ould 0u+t ma.e me /eel ,or+e about m(+el/1 Not to mention part o/ me ,a+ a/raid that )aggie ,ouldn5t e2er /orgi2e me i/ 3 did1 Fa(le( had a cla++ do,nto,n +he had to get to +o +he excu+ed her+el/ a hal/ hour later1 *he .i++ed me :uic.l( /ull on the mouth right in /ront o/ ?ean be/ore +he ,al.ed out ma.ing +ure +he le/t me :ue+tioning our H/riendl(5 relation+hip1 6nd +ometime+ 3 did ,ant more1 3t ,a+ onl( a matter o/ time be/ore 3 ga2e in and ga2e her ,hat +he ,anted i/ 3 let her +tic. around1 @9hat are (ou doing ,ith her4 broEA @9hat do (ou meanE *he5+ cool and 0u+t a /riend1A 3 +co//ed at hi+ +ugge+tion that +he ,a+n5t good enough1 @9hate2er1 >et5+ head out1A *eeing )aggie toda( e2en i/ it ,a+ /or the brie/e+t o/ +econd+ did +omething to me1 3 couldn5t +ha.e the /eeling1 3 tried +o damn hard to let her go1 -he madne++ o/ e2er(thing /elt li.e it ,a+ +,allo,ing me ,hole4 pulling me under and 3 needed /or it to end1 9hen 3 loo.ed bac. at ,hat ,e had once it ,a+ impo++ible not to remember all the good time+ ,e +hared1 3 e2en tried to /igure out the night that ,e made a bab( together4 but ne2er could nail it do,n1 3 +uppo+e 3 could a+. her1 <nce ,e got home4 =erem( ga2e me the cold +houlder1 -hi+ ,a+ happening ,a( too much /or m( li.ing1 Fe .ne, about m( +udden /riend+hip ,ith Fa(le(4 e2en though 3 ne2er once brought her home to a2oid ,eirdne++ that it ,ould cau+e1 Be+ide+4 he had no right to 0udge me1 )aggie hurt me1 *he hurt me bad4 but e2en 3 had m( +ecret+1 3 +an. onto m( bed ,ith m( phone in m( hand4 +taring at the picture on m( night+tand o/ )aggie and 3 /or +e2eral minute+1 3 +hould52e ta.en it do,n ,ee.+ ago4 but 3 couldn5t bring m(+el/ to do it1 *cre, itI )( heart couldn5t be an(more dead than it alread( ,a+1 @3 mi++ (ou1A @3 mi++ (ou too1A *he t(ped bac. in+tantl(1 @-hen come home to me1 3 ,ant to put m( arm+ around (ou1 3 ,ant to /eel (our bod( next to mine1 3 ,ant to pretend li.e neither one o/ u+ /uc.ed it all up1 3 need to .no, i/ (ou5re +till mine1A @9ho ,a+ that girl toda(EA @Nobod( (ou e2er need to ,orr( about again1 3 need (ou4 BlueIA @35ll be there in 151A )aggie +ho,ed up4 ,hich /rea.ed ?ean and =erem( out /or a :uic. +econd1 3t ,a+n5t until 3 came out o/ m( room +miling that e2er(one too. a +tep bac. and relaxed1 *he grinned a+ +he came clo+er to me4 and 3 couldn5t help but +mile bac.1 ?ean and =erem( coughed a /e, time+4 but ,e ignored them1 <nce 3 had a /irm hold o/ her4 3 pic.ed her up4 guiding her leg+ to ,rap around m( ,ai+t1 3 .i++ed her :uic.l(4 and then /aced the gu(+1 @=er4 man1 7ou might ,ant to lea2e /or a ,hile1 Becau+e 3 ma.e no promi+e+ that (ou ,on5t hear (our +i+ter in about /i2e minute+ +creaming out m( name1A Fe loo.ed li.e he ,anted to .ill me /or a +plit +econd but then he grabbed the pillo, o// the couch and to++ed it at me1 @?on5t tal. about m( +i+ter li.e that4 man1A -he he grabbed hi+ .e(+4 ,al.ing out ,ith ?ean /ollo,ing clo+el( behind ,ith a +mile on hi+ /ace1 -he next morning4 3 ,o.e ,ith a +mile and hard-on1 )aggie ,a+ curled up ,ith her

bac.+ide pre++ed up again+t m( +tomach4 and 3 ,a+ deliriou+l( happ( /or the /ir+t time in a long time1 3 could hear the rain tapping the ,indo,1 3t ,a+ one o/ tho+e da(+ 3 didn5t ,ant to lea2e the bedroom1 6+ thrilled a+ 3 ,a+ to ha2e )aggie bac.4 3 /elt li.e 3 couldn5t reall( be +ure o/ ,here thi+ ,a+ all leading to i/ 3 ,a+n5t completel( hone+t ,ith her1 *he needed to .no, m( +ecret1 -he +ecret 3 ne2er ,anted to +a( out loud4 and hoped to hell +he5d /orgi2e me /or1 3 .no, +he hated the +on o/ a bitch4 but that didn5t mean it ,ould ma.e it hurt an( le++1 *he rolled o2er a/ter 3 tea+ed her nec. ,ith .i++e+ a /e, minute+ later1 @Fe(4A +he mumbled +leepil(1 3 lo2ed her +ex( morning 2oice1 @Fe(4A 3 an+,ered bac.1 @9hat +hould ,e do toda(EA *he ,rapped her hand+ around m( nec.1 @9hate2er (ou ,ant1 7ou lead4 35ll /ollo,1A @Jight no,4 3 need co//ee1A *he pec.ed m( lip+4 and then +prang /rom the bed1 *he ,a+ +till na.ed /rom la+t night +o 3 thought about pulling her bac. do,n4 but +he thre, on clothe+ that +he grabbed /rom her bag1 3 ,atched a+ +he +himmied into her blac. pantie+1 3t ,a+ hot a+ hell1 3 /ollo,ed her out to /ind ?ean +pra,led out on the couch ,atching *port+ Center1 6+ +he poured t,o cup+4 +he ga2e me a +o/t +mile1 @9hat5+ that /ace /orEA 3 a+.ed her1 @9ell4 ,e didn5t get a chance to tal. la+t night4 ,e 0u+t had +ex1 6 lot o/ +ex1A 3 crept up to ,rap m( arm+ around her1 @6re (ou complainingEA *he tilted her head bac. onto m( +houlder1 @No1 3t5+ 0u+t111 35m +orr(4 >u.e1 3 /eel li.e all 3 do i+ apologi%e an(more1 3 don5t .no, ho, to ma.e it better1 3 ,ant to /ix it but 3 don5t .no, ho,1A 3 +pun her around1 @>i+ten4 )ag+1 3 had a lot o/ time to thin. ,hen 3 too. o//1 3 ha2e m( demon+ too1 3 ,a+ +o +el/i+h about ho, 3 handled e2er(thing1 6nd 3 .no, 3 thought ,e ,ere all o2er-ma(be (ou did too1 But4 3 ,ant to +tart o2er1 3 ,ant a clean +late1A Fer e(e+ gli+tened1 @7ou do4 reall(EA 3 .i++ed the tip o/ her no+e1 @7eah4 but i/ ,e ,ant thi+ to ,or.4 there can5t be an( more +ecret+ bet,een u+1 <.a(EA *he nodded emphaticall(1 @3 need to tell (ou +omething /ir+t4 Blue1A 3 ,a+ +o ner2ou+ +o get thi+ out1 No one .ne,1 @3t5+ about (our dad1A Fer hope/ul /ace turned +ullen1 @3 don5t ,ant to tal. about him1 3t5+ not important1A @3t i+ to me1A *he loo.ed a,a(4 ta.ing a pain/ull( long +ip o/ her co//ee1 -hen +he he+itantl( glanced into m( e(e+ ,ith a /ace +o +ad4 3 almo+t couldn5t +a( it1 But 3 had to1 @35d 0u+t lo+t m( /amil(1 3t had been +o ne, and ra, +till1 3 .ne, ,here he hung out to drin.4 and 3 ,ent there to +tart a /ight1 3 hated him4 )aggie1 3 /elt li.e he too. e2er(thing a,a( /rom me1A Fer /ace ,ent pale a+ +he too. it all in4 and then dropped her mug to the /loor1 Fer hand /le, to her mouth1 @<h m( god1A ?ean ,a+ no, ho2ering o2er the t,o o/ u+4 and =erem( had appeared /rom hi+ bedroom (elling at u+ to .eep it do,n1 )aggie glanced at me one la+t time4 and then ran out+ide into the pouring rain1 @*hit4A ?ean muttered1 Fe ,ent to go a/ter her4 but 3 pu+hed him bac.1 @No4 man1 -hi+ i+ all me1A 3 +a, =erem( /rom m( peripheral 2i+ion mo2ing clo+er4 but 3 didn5t care1 3 hoped to God 3 didn5t lo+e him ,hen he /ound out ,hat 35d done1 3 +tepped out+ide4 getting +oa.ed1 )aggie ,a+ +tanding in the

+treet4 head tilted to the +.(4 the rain drenching her1 3 caught up to her1 @)aggie4 plea+e1 >i+ten1A *he turned abruptl(1 @3 thought he had a heart attac.1 6re (ou +a(ing that5+ not ,hat happenedEA 3 thought +he ,a+ cr(ing4 but it could52e been the rain in+tead o/ tear+1 @Fe did1 But 3 con/ronted him1 3 told him e2er(thing1 3 told him 3 .ne, ,hat a piece o/ +hit he ,a+4 that 3 hoped he burned in hell1 3 don5t .no,4 bab(4 3 ,a+ reall( drun. and up+et4 but (eah4 3 ,ent a/ter him1 3 e2en punched him1 -he( had to pull me o// him1 Fe died t,o da(+ later1 3 thin. 3 did it1 3/ an(one .illed him4 3 thin. it ,a+ me1A *he +tood in the rain +taring at me4 ta.ing it all in4 not mo2ing1 6/ter +e2eral long4 :uiet minute+4 +he /inall( +po.e1 @-hat5+ a lot to proce++4 >u.e1A @3 .no, it i+1 But 3 needed to tell (ou i/ ,e5re going to do thi+1 3 hope (ou don5t hate me /or it1 3 lo2ed (ou4 and 3 ,anted him to .no, that (ou +po.e up1 -hat (ou might ha2e been a/raid o/ him4 but 3 ,a+n5t1 3/ (ou hate me4 3 under+tand1 35ll ,al. a,a(1 35ll hate it4 but 35ll do it1A Fer head dropped4 and then +he li/ted it +lo,l(4 running her hand+ through her +oa.ed hair1 @3 don5t hate (ou1A 3 cupped her /ace ,ith m( hand+1 @)aggie4 plea+eE 3 can5t li2e ,ithout (ou1 7ou5re the air that 3 breathe1 7ou5re the beat to m( heart1 7ou5re the +mile on m( lip+1 7ou are e2er(thing to me1 7ou al,a(+ ha2e been1A No, 3 could tell the( ,ere tear+ and not raindrop+1 *he ,a+ cr(ing hard4 and 3 0u+t ,anted her to +top1 3 ,anted to hold her4 to ta.e care o/ her-to /ix her1 @Bab(4 plea+e1 *ta(1 35m begging (ou to +ta(1A Fer e(e+ /ixed on mine4 not mo2ing1 @?o (ou .no, ,hat 3 hateEA 3 +hoo. m( head4 ,ater dripping into m( e(e+4 do,n m( /ace1 )aggie ,rapped her arm+ around her+el/4 +hi2ering1 @3 hate ho, much time ,e ,a+ted ,hen ,e could52e been together1 3 hate him /or that1 3 hate ho, much 3 hurt (ou1 3 hate that 3 le/t (ou1 3 hate ho, +el/i+h 3 ,a+1 3 hate that 3 didn5t tru+t (ou enough to ta.e care o/ me4 to tru+t in u+1 But mo+t o/ all4 3 hate that 3 didn5t tell (ou about our bab(1 6nd no, he or +he i+ gone1A @3 don5t care about that an(more4 Blue1 6ll 3 care about i+ (ou +a(ing (e+1 *a( it4 )ag+1 *a( (ou5ll +ta( ,ith me /ore2er1A Fer hand+ ,rapped around m( nec.1 @3 ne2er le/t (ou1 3 0u+t too. a reall( long detour until 3 /ound (ou again1A *he 0umped into m( arm+4 ,rapping her leg+ around m( ,ai+t1 3 gripped underneath to hold her4 and .i++ed her1 9e .i++ed /ore2er a+ it poured do,n on u+4 ,a+hing a,a( the pain and time ,e5d lo+t1

Chapter 2!
)aggie @?o not mo2e one mu+cle1 ?on5t e2en breathe1 ?o (ou three under+tand meEA -he( ,ere all +tanding out+ide the door to the apartment4 panting /rom +hooting hoop+1 >u.e grinned1 @?amn4 girl1 3t +mell+ good in there1A 3 po.ed him in the che+t4 ,hile ?ean and =erem( laughed1 @7ou ma.e one noi+e >u.e )atthe,+ and (ou are +leeping on the couch1 3 need /i2e minute+1A =erem( ,ent to +tep around >u.e4 but he +topped him /rom entering1 @3n /i2e minute+ (ou three can come in4 but not be/ore then1A @9hat the hell are ,e +uppo+ed to do4 +it out+ideEA =erem( /ro,ned1

>u.e (an.ed him behind him1 ?ean ,a+ alread( +itting on the /ront +tep1 @Go +it do,n1A 9hen =erem( +at net to ?ean4 >u.e5+ e(e+ came bac. to me1 @Come get u+ ,hen it5+ done1A Fe .i++ed the tip o/ m( no+e4 and then +at do,n ,ith hi+ /riend+1 3 +miled and retreated bac. into the apartment4 grinning that 3 ,ould /inall( pull thi+ o//1 3 hadn5t tried to ma.e a +ou//l; in (ear+4 but it ,a+ /inall( time1 -he pa+tr( cla++ >u.e had gotten me to ta.e ga2e me bac. the con/idence and the de+ire to tr( it again1 -he +ou//l; ,a+ +itting on the +to2etop4 cooling1 -he+e ,ere the moment+ in could all collap+e and turn to an unappeti%ing pile o/ na+tine++1 -he /our rame.in+ ,ere +till in tact ,hen 3 crept into the .itchen1 3 .ne, the( needed to be +er2ed ,ithin the next /e, minute+ /or the be+t /la2or becau+e it reall( ,a+ ,hen a +ou//l; ,a+ at it+ be+t1 3t ,a+ time1 6/ter placing their indi2idual rame.in+ do,n on the counter4 3 opened the door1 @<.a(4 (ou gu(+ can come in1A 3 +tood bac. a+ the /iled through and headed +traight to the +tool+1 -he( all +miled4 clin.ed /or.+4 and then do2e in1 @Chri+tI 9hat i+ thi+4 )aggieEA ?ean a+.ed1 @3t5+ a chee+e +ou//l;1 ?o (ou li.e itEA 3 almo+t didn5t a+. /or /ear that the( ,ould +pit it out4 or that 3 didn5t get the egg+ ,hipped properl(1 @9hat .ind o/ chee+eE -hi+ i+ +o good1A ?ean continued1 =erem( and >u.e hadn5t +aid a ,ord4 but >u.e5+ /ace +aid enough1 Fe ,a+ proud o/ me4 and en0o(ed m( e//ort+1 3 turned to ?ean1 @3t5+ a combinationM Gru(ere4 *tilton4 and cheddar1 *o (ou li.e it thenEA -he( all nodded1 @>i.e itE No4 Blue1 -hi+ i+ lo2e1 3t5+ the be+t di+h (ou52e e2er made4 bab(1A >u.e +tood4 pulling me into hi+ arm+4 and then .i++ed me1 -hat ,a+ enough /or me1 No, that 3 /inall( pulled it o//4 3 ,ould be ma.ing e2er( .ind o/ +ou//l; recipe that 3 could /ind1 Funnil( enough at that moment li/e /elt /ull circle1 )( three /a2orite people ,ere gathered around a table being m( guinea pig+ 0u+t li.e the time+ bac. in high +chool1 3 +miled4 and ,iped bac. the tear+ that ,ere bre,ing but >u.e noticed m( expre++ion1 Fe pulled me onto hi+ lap4 ,rapped me in a bear hug4 and then /ed me m( /ir+t bite o/ chee+( hea2en1 6/ter ta+ting a /e, more bite+ 3 did a little happ( dance on >u.e5+ lap1 Fi+ /inger+ bit into m( ,ai+t1 @Bab(4 (ou .eep that up and ,e5re heading +traight /or the bedroom1A =erem( and >u.e rolled their e(e+4 but both +tood a beat later1 =erem( /ro,ned4 but ?ean +miled1 @9e5re going to get +omething at the +tore1 9e +hould be gone at lea+t one hour1A ?ean ,in.ed1 God 3 lo2ed him1 ?ean pulled =erem( out the door4 and then >u.e li/ted me into hi+ arm+ leading u+ to,ard our room1 @)a(be ,e +hould thin. about getting our o,n placeEA 3 a+.ed1 >u.e grinned1 @Blue4 35d bu( (ou the damn moon i/ that5+ ,hat (ou ,anted1A Fe to++ed me gentl( on the bed1 Fi+ arm+ trapping me a+ he ho2ered1 @35m +eriou+4 >u.e1 -he( .eep lea2ing e2er( time ,e ha2e +ex1 3 /eel bad1A Fe .i++ed the tip o/ m( no+e1 @<.a(4 ,e5ll go loo. o2er the ,ee.end1A 3 +miled1 @Jeall(EA @Blue4 3 ,ould do an(thing to .eep that +mile on (our /ace1 9e5ll get ,hate2er (ou ,ant1A @3 lo2e (ou +o much4 >u.e1A Fi+ /inger+ +lipped m( +trap o// m( +houlder4 and then he delicatel( .i++ed m( +houlder1 @3 lo2e (ou too4 Blue4A he murmured bet,een .i++e+1 @9here +hould ,e loo.E *hould ,e +ta( in thi+ area or do (ou ,ant to mo2e a little clo+er to (our ne, 0obEA

@Bab(EA @<r ma(be ,e +hould head bac. to the +uburb+1A Fe pec.ed m( lip+ ,ith hi+1 @*hut up and ma.e lo2e to me1A 3 thre, m( arm+ around hi+ nec.1 @9ell4 ,hen (ou put it that ,a(1A

&pilo#ue
3t ,a+ incredible ho, thing+ ,or.ed them+el2e+ out1 3 ,a+ bac. ,here 3 belonged1 9ith >u.e1 9hen he too. o// a/ter 35d told him about the bab(4 3 /elt li.e the ,orld ,a+ ca2ing in around me1 3 had no choice but to mo2e home ,ith m( mother1 -hi+ turned out to be a good thing1 3 hone+tl( ne2er belie2ed m( mother and 3 ,ould e2er +ee e(e to e(e4 ne2er ha2e a good relation+hip4 but it .ind o/ happened1 3n the +hort time 3 li2ed ,ith her4 +he pulled me /rom the dar. +ide 3 ,a+ heading do,n4 and +traightened m( a++ out1 3 ,ould ne2er .no, i/ +he5d told me the truth about not .no,ing ,hat m( dad did to me1 3 needed to belie2e her to mo2e on1 *he /inall( accepted the truth4 a+ pain/ul a+ it ,a+ to hear1 *he /inall( li+tened to me1 *he cried1 3 cried1 But the( ,ere all good tear+4 and +omeho, tho+e tear+ mended me a little1 35ll ne2er /orget ,hat m( /ather did to me1 But 3 could mo2e on1 *omeho, 3 /ound the +trength to mo2e pa+t it1 3 could let it go and li2e the li/e 3 ,a+ meant to1 >u.e /inding hi+ ,a( bac. into m( arm+ and m( bed ,a+ a ma++i2e bonu+1 3 ne2er thought he5d /orgi2e me /or ta.ing a,a( +omething that meant +o much to him1 <b2iou+l(4 at the time 3 had no idea o/ the traged( he ,a+ going to /ace-3 ,ould ne2er ha2e le/t1 But4 352e become a big belie2er in /ate and de+tin(1 -hing+ happen /or a rea+on1 GGG 6n entire (ear pa++ed1 >u.e .ept hi+ promi+e and ,e had rented an apartment in the +ame complex to +ta( clo+e to =er and ?ean1 Fo,e2er4 =erem( ha+ gotten +eriou+ ,ith an a,e+ome girl name 'atie1 9e all lo2ed her4 and thought he ,a+ /inall( +ettling do,n +ome1 6t lea+t /or no,1 >u.e +cored an a,e+ome 0ob at a bro.erage /irm that he lo2ed4 and ?ean ,a+ +till dating -a(lor and going +trong1 >i/e ,a+ good1 3 ,a+ /umbling ,ith m( earring ,hen >u.e came in /rom hi+ +ho,er1 9e ,ere going out tonight to celebrate the degree 35d /inall( /ini+hed1 Fe came up /rom behind me4 .i++ing m( bare nec.1 @7ou +till manage to ta.e m( breath a,a(4A he ,hi+pered in m( ear1 3 ,a+ ,earing a dre++ that 35d bought /or tonight1 3t ,a+ a little re2ealing4 but 3 /elt great in it1 3 ,a+ +o ner2ou+ about ho, he ,a+ going to react ,hen 3 told him m( plan+ /or the /uture4 and 3 thin. that5+ ,h( he /inall( had to help me get the re+t o/ m( 0e,elr( on1 3 ,a+ +ha.ing li.e a lea/4 unable to /a+ten the cla+p1 @9hat5+ ,rong4 bab(EA Fe .i++ed the tip o/ m( no+e gentl(4 and pre++ed hi+ /orehead again+t mine1 @Nothing1 >et5+ go to dinner1 35m +tar2ing1A Fe5d made re+er2ation+ at a re+taurant on the )iracle )ile4 one o/ m( /a2orite+1 9e5d 0u+t +ettled in ,hen he mo2ed to +it be+ide in+tead o/ acro++ /rom me1 @7ou are adorable ,hen (ou5re /rea.ing out about +omething1A Fe grabbed m( hand+ /rom under the table1 Fe loo.ed do,n a+ he ea+ed them apart4 and didn5t let go1 @9hat ha+ the+e little hand+ o/ (our+ +o +,eat(E &2er(thing5+ o.a(4 rightEA @3 ha2e +omething /or (ou4A m( 2oice crac.ed a+ 3 +aid it1 35d ,rapped the te+t in cellophane and tied little blue and pin. ribbon+ around both end+1

9hen 3 handed it to him4 at /ir+t he 0u+t +eemed con/u+ed4 but then a+ hi+ /ace li/ted4 he +miled ,idel(1 3t mo+t de/initel( ,a+n5t +omething ,e5d planned or ,ere read( /or4 but /ate +tepped in and ratcheted our relation+hip up a rather huge notch1 3 too. it a+ a +ign1 @35m pregnant1A 9ithout blin.ing an e(e4 he ,rapped hi+ arm+ around me4 bur(ing hi+ head on m( +houlder1 Fe muttered a /e, pra(er+ into m( ear4 and +an. bac. into the chair1 Fi+ hand +lo,l( reached do,n to m( bell(1 @6 /amil(1 7ou and me4 and thi+ bab( are going to be a /amil(1A Fi+ lip+ .i++ed mine4 lingering a+ he cupped m( /ace1 Fi+ grin ,a+ +o cute4 it reminded me o/ da(+ long gone1 Fe too. m( hand+ in one o/ hi+1 @3 had a +urpri+e /or (ou tonight too4 bab(1A Fe pulled a little blue box ,ith a ,hite ribbon /rom hi+ coat poc.et1 @7ou52e al,a(+ had m( heart4 )aggie1 352e al,a(+ lo2ed (ou1 3t5+ al,a(+ been (ou4 Blue1 )arr( meEA 3 couldn5t an+,er1 3 could onl( nod m( head /ranticall(1 -he tear+ +treamed do,n4 +lipping into the corner+ o/ m( mouth1 >u.e co2ered m( mouth ,ith hi+4 and a+ he .i++ed me4 3 could /eel hi+ +mile1 @3 lo2e (ou4 Blue1A @3 lo2e (ou too1A Fe pulled bac. /or a +econd4 ta.ing a deep breath1 @-here5+ one more thing4 )aggie1 Be/ore (ou argue ,ith me4 3 ,ant to do thi+ /or (ou1 3 .no, (ou5re gonna be pi++ed /or a minute or t,o becau+e (ou don5t li.e help and (ou ,ant to do it all b( (our+el/1 But (ou can5t argue no,1 9e5re going to be a /amil( and (ou need to let me help (ou1 3 ,ant to gi2e (ou (our dream1 352e got the mone(4 and (e+4 ,e +hould +a2e +ome /or the bab(4 but (ou need a ba.er( and 3 ,ant to gi2e it to (ou1A @But4 >u.e111it5+ too much1 6nd the bab(1A Fi+ hand+ rubbed m( +tomach4 hi+ mouth lingering on mine1 @Nothing i+ too much /or (ou1 =u+t +a( (e+1A @But111A @No4 but+1 3/ it5+ too much on (ou and the bab(4 ,e5ll hold o//4 but a+ +oon a+ +he or he pop+ out4 35m ma.ing it happen1A 3 loo.ed up into e(e+4 and almo+t didn5t ha2e the ,ord+1 @35m glad 3 +ta(ed1A @)e too4 Blue1 )e too1A