Title: Abandoned Again How We Repeat Our Childhood in the Present Word Count: 660 Summary: You can

change these old patterns. It takes time, awareness, determination, and work on your part, but it can be done. How to help stop repeating abandonment and abuse in your life now. Keywords: mother abandonment, self help, recovery, depression, communication, memoirs, hea ling, families, self improvement, life story, forgiveness Article Body: The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship. I m sick of choosing guys who aren t ther e for me. They seem great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then ei ther they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting that cold look in their eyes. I can see they don t care after all. I can t stand this. Why do I do this over and over? In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as children, but the feeling of despair and depression can d eepen if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned childhood. This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works: Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story turn out right to find someone who w ill finally come through and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetit ion, until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do exactly wh at was done to us as children. If you were abandoned, they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this may be what you experience all over again. For instance, most women involved in relationships where there is domestic viole nce either were beaten as children, or observed it for many years. If you were v erbally abused, you will find yourself hearing the same phrases and feeling exac tly the same as you did when you were a child. There you are, thinking you have just found the love of your life, when a terrible feeling comes over you I have bee n here before, says the voice inside your head, a feeling of dread running throug h your body. It s not dj vu; it is an unconscious repetition of the past. There is good news about all this: You can change these old patterns. It takes t ime, awareness, determination, and work on your part, but it can be done. How to help stop repeating abandonment and abuse in your life now: 1. First, you have to recognize you are repeating your past patterns. Become awa re of a familiar, sinking feeling, or the feeling that you are a bad person, or not good enough, or feel awful about yourself. Ask yourself: is there something going on now that reinforces that feeling? 2. Consider your past patterns with parents. It helps to write down these patter ns, as you can be objective about them if you see them on the page. 3. Write about being a child of about five years old; nine years old; 12. What w

as life like in your household? Who was there connecting with you, and how? 4. After making that objective list of patterns in family and in the past, write down any parallels between then and now, paying particular attention to feeling s. Sometimes the action is different but the feeling is the same. 5. When you are drawn to a new person, get to know him better before getting inv olved. Spend time to find out how he treats you when he is having a bad day, or how he acts when you say no. How you are treated at the beginning of a relations hip when you are not being pleasing or saying yes, when you make boundaries for yourself, is only a hint of how it will be later on. 6. Keep your need to be loved and accepted in balance with who the other person is and his or her needs. Take your time to find out more before getting too invo lved. 7. Write in your journal to become more aware of patterns, concerns, and actual events. You can refer back to them later. This documentation may clear up any fu ture confusion about reality.