The Binder Of Shame Presents: The RPG.net Rants by Al Bruno III rev 1.

o!yri"ht Al Bruno III #011 Smashwords Edition License Notes: This free ebook may be copied, distributed, reposted, reprinted and shared, provided it appears in its entirety without alteration, and the reader is not charged to access it. over art by !rancis "ogan

The RPG.net rants over $ years later...

#$$# was the year % first started to post stories for the amusement of others. &'side from that shameful ()!%LES fan fiction of course.* % began with these gaming anecdotes that % shared on the forums of +,-.net, a relatively safe haven for me at the time. They were strange little tales told in a kind of screenplay format that % used when % sketched out story dialogue. The first one was pretty simple but as they went on they became more and more grandiose but they were raw and fun little bits of humor. % never bothered to proofread the things or set up any real kind of coherence or internal continuity) although snippets of these tales do show up in ,+% E .E'/S 'N0 "E'+T' "ES.

%1m posting them to the blog so % can add them to version of T"E .%N0E+ 2! S"'3E % keep here. % will do the first two today and then set up one a week until they1re all there. %1ve moved on a lot since % first created them but many of the folks that first came to know me through them are still reading my work now and they still keep finding new readers all the time. %f you have no idea what % am talking about prepare to be ama4ed, amused and offended. 'nd be warned these stories appear e5actly as % did when % posted them on the forums. % haven1t tried to edit them for fear of diluting their raw power. 'lso %1m pretty damn la4y. %is&laimer' .efore we go any further please let me e5plain to you that nothing you read on this website is about you. (But it might be) Sure we might have met a time or twenty, maybe we where friends, maybe we were enemies but, absolutely nothing here is about you. (Unless it is.) None of the characters you read about are real people. Nobody like these people could survive in modern civili4ed society. (Well, maybe in politics.) %f you6re a lady who was in the 'lbany area from 7899 to 788# and you happened to date me, however briefly or unwillingly, this is not about you.

(Even though there were so damn few of you.) %f you happened to visit my house and accidentally sat on my cat causing him to spasmodically urinate for weeks afterward, %6m not gonna bring it up. (Except for now.) %f you have worked with me or % have worked for you, no matter what conflicts we may have e5perienced in the past: be it a case of inadvertent se5ual harassment or the occasional accidental workplace fire. % won1t bring it up if you don1t. (But no matter what the others might thin , ! didn"t draw that mustache on the picture of you near the front entrance.) %f you are one of my relatives, fear not all names and aspects of our relationship to the point where they have been rendered fictional. (Except for the parts about my hot cousin, she was really pretty hot.) Some of these stories might refer to certain famous and obscure role) playing games of the era: their names are mentioned lovingly and with nothing but respect. (#till though, it too a damn long time to run a game of $%&'(!)*#.) %f, by chance, you once bit me in your eagerness to e5plain your half) elves6 final defiant attack against that 3ind !layer % want you to know % bear no grudges ; or scars. This is not about you. ()r your overbite) ,erhaps you truly did play a nin<a in one rpg or another, in fact % see such things as a legitimate and fascinating character choice, an archetype in fact. ((a+ama wearing, star throwing little ,-E&.#.)

"owever if you are one of the countless people who stop by here to read and re)read these strange little stories of mine, %1m flattered and honored, and sometimes a little relieved. .ut still when you come right down to it, this still isn1t about you either. .ecause it6s all about me. (Except when it isn/t) RPG.NET rant #1 The Team That ouldn(t Shoot Strai"ht

originally posted to +,-.net on $=)#7)#$$# $>:$7 ,3: % have been in a super hero frame of mind lately. 3aybe it1s the fact that % have -odlike and !reedom !orce on order but it has set me in a nostalgic mood for the hampions campaigns % used to play in. Then as % remembered % reali4ed those long lost games % began to shudder with the memory of T"E TE'3 T"'T 2?L0N1T S"22T ST+'%-"T. Never before or since has there ever been a super hero team so dysfunctional. @e had no base, we met at a .urger /ing and then headed out in our flying 3onte arlo from there. Let me tell you about the core roster of characters. ,lease share my "ell. &The stories are real only the names have been changed* 3A "'+' TE+: Take some .'T3'N AE'+ 2NE, throw in 0on Bui5ote and marinate with some pulp and you had my character. 2ut in the cold cruel superhero world with only his fedora, trenchcoat and one gadget he had his hands full dealing with characters like ,anda and

+accoon. % really en<oyed playing a beginner hero but he never really go the chance to develop as % would have liked. T"E %N!E T%2?S -?A: "is powerC That he has 'LL known diseases. "e had to wear a containment suit at all times and he blasted villains with a gout of to5ins and pus that eDualed a ranged killing attack. The really fun part about this guy was that it turned out that his containment suit wasn1t strong enough and my character was nearly taken out by a case of <aundiceE T"E %NS'NE /%LL%N- 3' "%NE: "ow insaneC The player lobbied for a ranged hand to hand killing attack to properly simulate his character1s deadliness. This cra4y cyborg would <ust show up, fight &and mostly kill* the baddies then speed away. @ho was heC @as he really on the team at allC % was never sure. T"E S?,E"E+2 %NS,%+E0 .A T"E @2+/S 2! 'AN +'N0: % admit % know little of +and1s work mainly because of the nightmare of this character) a mentalist named 'tlas in honor of the book 'TL'S S"+?--E0. @hen a fight broke out he would hide and fire off mental bolts while e5tolling the virtues of ob<ectivism. T"E -?A @%T" ' FET,' / 'N0 ' "%-"),2@E+E0 +%!LE: @hen combat broke out he would 4oom up into the air and start sniping. "e had a kind of code against killing, he only killed villains if they fought back, or sassed him. T"E 0%N2S'?+ %N T"E one, % <ust don1t. L%, 2N T%E: % don1t want to talk about this

T"E 2NE)3'N +2T'T%N- -?EST ST'+: Every week the player had a new character: every damn week. There wasn1t an original one in the bunch, let me name a few and give you their defining moment. T"E 2NE .'SE0 2N T"E 3'%N "'+' TE+ !+23 '%+@2L!: Spent the combat trying to cross the map to his helicopter. T"E 2NE .'SE0 2N T"E 3'%N "'+' TE+ !+23 ST+EET"'@/: Spent the entire combat 4ipping around the map on his super)powered motorcycle. T"E 2NE

.'SE0 2N LS"1s ?LT+').2A: 0ied because he forgot that he couldn1t use super strength and flight at the same time and he tried to catch a crashing spacecraft. T"E 2NE .'SE0 2N LEE G'N LEE!1s "'+' TE+ !+23 T"E TG S"2@ T"E 3'STE+: Since most of the character points were spent <uicing his character1s defensive combat value through the roof he had no attacks that could hurt anything. he bounced around like a sterile flea hitting one villain after another until he was killed by a ranged attack. T"E 2NE .'SE0 2N F?L%'N S'N0S "'+' TE+ !+23 T"E !%L3 @'+L2 /: Skulked in the background and drained endurance points from any player character that wandered to close to him. T"E 2NE .'SE0 2N 'L,"' !L%-"T1S LE'0E+ -?'+0%'N: % never knew why he was there since our team was based in New Aork. "is whole thing is that he would kidnap unconscious super villains to anada for 1rehabilitation1. Since all the villains were se5y female villains my opinion was dubious. T"E .L?E)S/%NNE0 +E0)EAE0 !'LLEN 'N-EL: 'n ok character but the player insisted on making the character1s secret identity himself. T"E L%TTLE 2L0 L'0A @%T" '@S23E 3%N0 2N+2L '.%L%T%ES: 'nother character that seemed to want to do nothing more than pound on my character because he 1looked sinister1 'nd lastly.... T"E 0EST+2AE+ 2! '3,'%-NS: @ith his combination of rules lawyering and outright cheating he could unmake an 'mber diceless game. "is character was supposed to be <ust a guy in powered armor but his merciless point)whoreing created an unstoppable <uggernaut. "ow unstoppableC "ow about knockback that sent N, s off the mapC "ow about combats that lasted a number of rounds eDual to the number of adversaries facing himC "ow about the high)end 0r. 0estroyer had to run for his lifeC !inally the -3 tried to kill him with a nuclear e5plosion) this knocked the character unconscious for 2NE +2?N0 then he recovered... Shortly after the arrival of the last character the campaign died, all % have left now are the memories but with therapy and drugs % hope to

suppress them.

RPG.)*T rant +# The day I ,illed the entire !arty before the first &ombat en&ounter originally posted to +,-.net on $9)$8)#$$# 7#:$# '3: T"E !2LL2@%N- ST2+A %S T+?E. 2NLA T"E N'3ES "'GE .EEN "'N-E0 T2 ,+2TE T 3E !+23 ' S'G'-E .E'T%N- @%T" T"E ST% / 2! ,'%N. %t was the end of the 789$1s, for some reason the group of players in my area had established a strange attraction to 'valon "ill1s catch all +,- L2+0S 2! +E'T%2N. The players had coa5ed me into playing it once before but the session had been disturbing. The players had played characters based on themselves. @hen that game began one of the players, we will call him 1,sycho 0ave1, started out the campaign by having his character kill his parents. Things went downhill from there. So months later we are all there in the basement of another of our players, whom % will refer to as El 0isgusto, and % have been talked into trying to run Lords of reation again. There are five players) ,sycho 0ave, El 0isgusto, 0eviant .oy, The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound and @easly rusher. % already have a great idea for a campaign, about our reality being attacked by another alien reality. Aou may think % am ripping off T2+but this was years before T2+-. % was ripping off the 0r. @ho episode "2+NS 2! N%32N. % e5plained to the players that they were to make ordinary modern people and they campaign would detail their attempts to survive in this strange new world. /ind of a +E0 0'@N meets -'33' @2+L0. So character creation begins and it goes something like this)

El 0isgusto: H% want to make a nin<aEH 3e: H@ell you could be a master martial artist but %1m not sure if a nin<a is e5actly...H El 0isgusto: H' nin<aE % want to play a nin<aE @hat kind of a game is this where you can1t pick what you wantCH 3e: H2k you can play a nin<a.H 0eviant .oy: H%1m going to play a stripper.H 3e: H2k then.H @easly rusher: H'nd %1m his character1s cousin. She1s a stripper too.H

3e: H-reat... <ust roll up those stats then.H ,sycho 0ave: H%1m going to play a former Navy Seal. "e has medals of honor and no one knows that in his spare time he kills hippies and midgets.H 3e: HThat1s very interesting, and he has the same name as you too. -reat.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H%1m playing a dwarf fighter... hicEH 3e: HNo. No, see this is set in the modern era. There are no 0warven fighters.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H2h.H 3e: HSo what was your second choiceCH The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H@hatCH 3e: H!or a characterCH

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H2h... lemmie think.H 0eviant .oy: H3y character and her cousin are having an affair.H 3e: H@h)whatCH 0eviant .oy: H@e1re lesbian strippers.H @easly rusher: H@e1re in love.H

3e: H%) %)H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H an % play a midgetCH ,sycho 0ave: H-rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrH 3e: H3aybe you could play a nin<aCH The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: HEh... %1ll <ust play a guy who1s like a cop or somethin1.H 3e: H2k roll it up.H ,sycho 0ave: HAou know human blood looks black in the moonlight...H @easly rings.H rusher: H3y character and her cousin have matching toe

3e: H!2+

"+%ST1S S'/E F?ST +2LL ?, A2?+

"'+' TE+SEEEEEH

Eventually they created their characters, so % began to set the scene. @ell % tried to set the scene but see El 0isgusto1s parents had left town and he had one responsibility... to feed and walk his parent1s decrepit dog Lamont. 2f course El 0isgusto had done neither in days so the dog would freDuently pad up to the top of basement steps and howl mournfully.

'nyway, once El 0isgusto had gotten done beating his parent1s dog into silence we began to play. % set the scene describing a world where strange spider like creatures had enslaved humanity and how the players had all <ust escaped from one of the slave labor camps. The first problem erupted) ,sycho 0ave: H@hatC @hatC1 @e don1t have our stuffCH 3e: H@e never went over eDuipment lists because % thought)H El 0isgusto: H0ude, my nin<a has to have a motorcycle.H 3e: H% e5plained the alien spiders)H 0eviant .oy: H2ur toe ringsC They took our toe ringsCH 3e: H)they have reduced the human race to a state of slavery. 'll our technology.H ,sycho 0ave: HNo way would they take my guns knives and e5plosivesEH El 0isgusto: H'nd my motorcycle... who could steal a nin<a1s motorcycleC 3y guy would fight to the death for his motorcycle. Nice going dickweed.H @easly rusher: H ouldn1t we have hidden our toe rings inside ourselvesCH 0eviant .oy: H-ood role)playingEH The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: HI44444444444444444444444444444.H 3e: H% don1t really think you are giving this a chance.H

El 0isgusto: HShut up LamontE % said S"?T ?,EH The arguments and dog beatings took up another hour or so of my life but finally % said that % would 1retool1 my ideas. 3e: H2k remake your characters as naval officers. Aou will be playing the crew of a nuclear submarine ordered to hide at the bottom of the sea when the invasion began. Aou will be the team sent to investigate the surface, you will be fully eDuipped with weapons and other stuff. H ,sycho 0ave: H3uch better. %s there a chance that % killed the submarine captain and took overCH 3e: HNo.H El 0isgusto: H2k % am a naval officer but % am also secretly a spy for the nin<as.H 3e: HSeeing as how all of the civili4ed world has fallen to the alien spiders % don1t think that matters much.H El 0isgusto: H2n no those aliens only T"%N/ they got the nin<as.H 3e: H!ine whatever.H 0eviant .oy: H3y character is a tough as nails commando... but she1s really hot.H @easly rusher: H%1m her cousin and we1re lesbians.H

0eviant .oy: H@e1re in love.H @easly rusher: H@e share a bunk.H

3e: H,lease... save it for the game.H

El 0isgusto: HShut up LamontE 0on1t make me get the stick of painEH The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H@h) why is my cop on a submarineCH 3e: HAou1re playing a navy 3,... don1t you rememberCH The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H2h ok.H 3e: H'nyway. The captain of the submarine is worried because he hasn1t heard from @ashington in si5 months. "e calls you in the middle of the night to his office)H 0eviant .oy: HSince it1s the middle of the night my character shows up wearing a flimsy teddy.H @easly rusher: H2hhh me too.H

3e: HThe captain says)H El 0isgusto: HShouldn1t the captain roll to see if he notices meC % am a nin<a after all. %)) Stick of ,ain LamontE Stick of ,ainEH 3e: HThe captain orders you to the go ashore and find out what has been happening.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H% say) 0ammnit aptainE %1m a good copEH

3e: H"e wants you to go ashore immediately.H ,sycho 0ave: H% say we fire our nukes.H 3e: H%mmediatelyEH The ne5t hour of the game was taken up with the crew listing the many types of guns, knives, rocket launchers and butt plugs their characters would bring. Sometime during the discussion Lamont,

desperate for food and suffering for what would turn out to be terminal dysentery tried to walk down the basement steps only to collapse into a Duivering furry heap atop an orange crate of freshly painted minis. El 0isgusto howled with rage and went to town with the stick of pain until Lamont hid behind the furnace. !inally we got back to the game: 3e: H2k you1ve got your raft as full of eDuipment as it can be and you1re)H El 0isgusto: H@ait... what about my motorcycleCH 3e: H@hatCH El 0isgusto: H3y character wants to bring his motorcycle.H 3e: HLook your character spent the last si5 months on a submarine.H El 0isgusto: HThen so did his motorcycle.H 3e: H"ow in the name of all that is holy could you get anyone to agree to bring a motorcycle onto a submarineCH El 0isgusto: H@hat are you asking me forC Aou1re the one running this crappy gameEH 3e: H2k then. 's you all are standing there an Ensign .runo says 10on1t forget thisE1 'nd rolls a motorcycle off the deck onto the rubber raft. The weight collapses the raft and you are all tangled up in it and the motorcycle. Aou are dragged down beneath the surface of the ocean and drown. End of game.H To punctuate this % took the Lords of reation rulebook and threw it against the wall. "arsh words were e5changed on all sides. @ho knows we might have even come to blows if not for Lamont staggering out from behind the furnace and spraying stream of doggie diarrhea over

couch that had everyone1s coats draped across it. %n the pandemonium that followed % made my way home. % can always get another coat.

RPG.)*T rant +A )i"ht At The Inn. A %ay At The Ra&ists

originally posted to +,-.net on $9)##)#$$# 7$:=7 ,3:

@'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- ST2+A %S T+?E 'N0 %S 'LS2 GE+A GE+A ,2L%T% 'LLA %N 2++E T. +E'0 'T A2? 2@N ,E+%L. 'LS2 .E @'+NE0 S,ELL%N- 'N0 !2+3'TT%N- E++2+S '.2?N0. Somehow % found myself back in El 0isgusto1s basement, ,sycho 0ave had decided it was his turn to try and run 0J0. El 0isgusto, @easly rusher, heating .astard, 0eviant .oy, Short 'ttention Span Larry and yours truly were the players. % was curious to see how ,sycho 0ave ran a game. % was sure it couldn1t be as bad as 0eviant .oy1s dungeon where the treasure horde was a room filled with bound naked halflings and staves with ,ermanency and -rease spells cast on them. "ow wrong % was. "ow wrong % was.

,sycho 0ave: HStill shaking from your encounter with the -iant Shrunken 'pple "ead @oman and make your way to the in. The rain is cold, cold like cold rain.H El 0isgusto: H% continue to ride underneath the wagon... nin<a styleEH ,sycho 0ave: HAou reali4e that no one even knows you1re there yet.H El 0isgusto: H-ood.H

,sycho 0ave: HAou do reali4e this is the third session of the campaign.H El 0isgusto: HThe ways of the nin<a are hard to understand and inscrutable.H ,sycho 0ave: H!ine. +oll to see if you hang on.H 3e: H@e need to be on guard, we still don1t know who brought us here and why.H @easly rusher: H3y fighter is ready for anything, e5cept for creatures that drain life levels. % refuse to enter into any dungeons or tombs.H 3e: H?h, you know this game is 0?N-E2NS and dragons.H @easly rusher: H% worked too damn hard to be second level to loose it over some damn wraith.H Short 'ttention Span Larry: H"ey coolE inema5EH

0eviant .oy: H"ey coolE Shannon @hirryEH 3e: H're you here to game or whatCH Short 'ttention Span Larry: H% can do both. Fust let me know when its my turn to fight the Shrunken 'pple head @oman.H ,sycho 0ave: H'fter a few more hours of travel you finally find yourselves at the %nn. This is the place where you will finally meet with your employer the mysterious wi4ard Shickelgruber in the morning.H heating .astard: H@hy is that name so familiarCH 3e: H% stop the wagon in front of the %nn.H ,sycho 0ave: H+oll for it.H

3e: HThis is getting a little out of hand now.H ,sycho 0ave: H+oll for it.H 3e: H% need to roll to stop the damn wagonCH ,sycho 0ave: HAou1re the one that said that you were <ust all of a sudden stopping the wagon. Ever heard of slowing down before you stop.H 3e: H% didn1t think % had to be that specific. 2k % slow the wagon down and)H ,sycho 0ave: HToo late. Aou said it. +oll to see if you can stop the wagon without crashing, or do you want to bitch and whine some more.H

&+oll*

3e: H rap.H ,sycho 0ave: H2/ the cart flips over. Everyone else make a save versus death. Aes you too Larry.H

's you can see % soon reali4ed that ,sycho 0ave ran a game in roughly the same way that @arwick 0avis in the film Leprechaun granted wishes. Everything you said your character did was scrutini4ed for some way to screw you over and the dice ruled all. "e was the only guy % know who used a random monster encounter chart for all of thulhu. Aou haven1t lived until you1ve had a character go mad because he saw a nightgaunt sitting in a restroom stall reading a copy of the Necrnomicon.

&+oll*&+oll*&@ander over to the table and +oll*&+oll*&+oll and a nudge* heating .astard: H' perfect #$EH @easly rusher: H% can1t believe the wagon fell on my head.H

heating .astard: H% can1t believe your eyeball popped out, what kind of crit tables are theseCH ,sycho 0ave: HThe manly kind. %1ve been coddling you with those 'rduin critical hit tables for too damn long.H Short 'ttention Span Larry: H'm % bleeding to deathCH ,sycho 0ave: HNo.H El 0isgusto: HSince my nin<a was under the wagon % sprint into the shadows and observe the party. ,sycho 0ave: H+oll for it.H &+oll* Short 'ttention Span Larry: H'm % bleeding to deathCH 3e: H?h... where is LamontCH El 0isgusto: H3y parents took him camping. -et this, the damn vet says the dog is suffering from stress. StressE @hat the frig does a damn dog have to be stressed out aboutCH 0eviant .oy: H@ell if % could lick myself % sure wouldn1t)H 3e: H@hy didn1t you goCH El 0isgusto: H ampingC @hy would % want to go campingC Nature killsE

"aven1t you learned anything the wilderness encounters tablesCH 0eviant .oy: H% walk into the %nn for a drink.H 3e: H@hat about the wagonCH 0eviant .oy: HLeave it it1s not like we paid for it or anything.H ,sycho 0ave: HSo you all walk to the %nnC 3ake a de5terity check to see if you slip in the mud.H Short 'ttention Span Larry: H'm % bleeding to deathCH

&+oll*&+oll*&@ander over to the table and +oll*&+oll*&+oll and a Nudge* The %nn was a kind of medieval strip club with all the wenches wearing thongs and dog collars and that1s about it. @e found a table and got drinks and waited for the wi4ard to arrive. Some of the girls tried to offer us lap dances, those who got them had to Save versus ,etrifaction. 3e: H% survey the room and take a drink.H ,sycho 0ave: HSave versus poison to see if you get drunk.H 3e: HNoE This is bullshitEH ,sycho 0ave: HFust roll the damn dice for -od1s sake.H 3e: H%1m a dwarfE ' dwarfE There is no way that a 0warf would get drunk on some pissant human ale.H ,sycho 0ave: H"mmmm. % see your point.H Short 'ttention Span Larry: H@hat have you got to drink hereCH

El 0isgusto: HNothing.H Short 'ttention Span Larry: H0idn1t your parents leave you any foodCH El 0isgusto: HThey left me some cash for groceries but % decided it was better spent on @arhammer minis.H Short 'ttention Span Larry: H2k %1ll get a glass of water.H El 0isgusto: HThe "ELL you will. %f you dirty any of those glasses % will have to wash them and % am not going there. 0rink from the tap or not at all.H @easly rusher: H% look for someone to pick on.H

heating .astard: H% help him.H ,sycho 0ave: H3ake detect traps roll.H 0eviant .oy: H% buy one of the wenches for the night.H ,sycho 0ave: H3ake a &roll*&roll* ,sycho 0ave: H2k you find a companion for the night and 'b=, you failed your Save versus poison and get stinking drunk.H harisma check.... oh and 'b= roll a d#$.H

.eing drunk in a game like this is not a good thing, the -3 1simulated1 drunken behavior by letting each of the other players dictate what your character did for five minutes. So as my dwarf sang show tunes while dangling from a chandelier with a half)full spittoon on his head. The night at the %nn rolled on.

3e: HAou know it1s like midnight now, maybe we should <ust fast forward ahead to the morning so we can meet the wi4ard.H El 0isgusto: H2oooE 2oooE "is dwarf is all drunk and now he1s whiningEH 3e: H% am not whining and hey at least my character is involved with the party.H El 0isgusto: HAou1re <ust pissed because you1re not a nin<a. "ow are things looking on the roof anywayCH ,sycho 0ave: H%t1s still raining.H 0eviant .oy: H"ey %1m taking that saloon whore Fohn Norman style.H Short 'ttention Span Larry: H@hoCH 0eviant .oy: HFohn Norman... wrote the -or novels... they taught me everything % needed to know about women.H 3e: HSo how is that whole restraining order thing working out anywayCH 0eviant .oy: H%1m done with her. % think this girl from the movie theater is hot for me though. There1s something about the way she says to me 1@ant .utter !lavoring1CH @easly rusher: H@hat about meC @hen do % get my barfightCH

,sycho 0ave: H@ell you do see this scrawny nervous looking kid at the bar.H @easly rusher: H% walk up to the kid and give him a shove.H

heating .astard: H% follow him.H

,sycho 0ave: HThe kid is at the bar nursing a Shirley Temple.H 3e: H% don1t think that a medieval tavern would serve Shirley Temples.H ,sycho 0ave: H!ine. "e is drinking an Ae 2le Shirley Temple.H @easly rusher: H% shove him.H

,sycho 0ave: H+oll to hit.H &roll* heating .astard: H% tell the kid) 1"e doesn1t like you.1.H ,sycho 0ave: HThe kid cringes and says 1%1m sorry.1.H @easly rusher: H% shove him againEH

heating .astard: H% say 1% don1t like you either. Aou <ust watch yourself. @e1re wanted men. % have the death sentence in twelve kingdoms...1H

% knew where this was going, % think @easly rusher was the only one who didn1t reali4e. The only thing really surprising about the whole thing was that thanks to ,sycho 0ave1s homebrewed rits and !umbles tables his Samurai somehow managed to behead himself. Eventually my character regained some degree of sobriety and retreated to his room to wait for the morning and the dread wi4ard Shickelgruber but the night at the %nn had no end in sight. ,sycho 0ave: HAou fail your roll and slip in a puddle of blood. +oll a dK to see how many teeth are knocked out.H heating .astard: H% challenge the damn Giking to an arm wrestling matchEH

@easly rusher: HThey say your head can live a little while detached from your body, % try to call on my god.H 0eviant .oy: H%1m still doing the saloon whoreEH 3e: H% would think you1d be sleeping by now.H 0eviant .oy: H3y character is like me, he can do it for two three hours before he finishes. @omen love that.H 3e: H+eallyCH 0eviant .oy: HEspecially anadian women.H

Short 'ttention Span Larry: H%s it ok if % look through your comicsCH El 0isgusto: H%s it 2k if % beat you with the Stick of ,ainC 3y nin<a breaks into their rooms and snoops around.H ,sycho 0ave: H+oll for it.H &roll* 3e: H@hy can1t you <ust meet up with the damn party and not do all this weird stuffCH El 0isgusto: H"e1s a nin<aE %1m +2LE),L'A%N-EH heating .astard: H% head up to my room. % want to get that +esurrection Scroll out of my .ag of "olding.H @easly haveCH rusher: H-ee4 how many magic items does your character

heating .astard: HNinety)si5.H

"ow did he end up with 8K magic itemsC 'llow me to e5plain. The way they set up high level 0J0 games in my neck of the woods was to have you roll up your character and then roll once on the treasure tables for each level they needed your character to start at. ,sycho 0ave had planned his campaign for 7#th level characters and above, so heating .astard1s character was a 7#th level @i4ard) leric)!ighter) Thief)%llusionist)0ruid)+anger).ard with limited ,sionic abilities. "is e5planation, really lucky die rolls had allowed his magic user to get ahold of a @ish +ing with the ma5imum wishes. The @ishes had prolonged his life and allowed him to pursue multiple career paths so that now he had a small magic arsenal stored in a Spell<ammer craft that he had held in a bag of holding.' good thirty minutes of game time was eaten up by this long drawn out e5planation of the origin of the 7#th Level Everything man. % suggested that we all have our characters go to sleep so we can meet with our employer the morning but no one else seemed to be interested. 0eviant .oy kept going into lurid detail about his escapades with his girl for the night. @easly rusher kept whining about his head. Short 'ttention Span Larry kept Duiet, no surprise since he was busy trying to play the game, watch Star Trek and read a -or novel. El 0isgusto continued to break into our character1s rooms and pilfer our things, until he crossed paths with heating .astard1s bag of holding. heating .astard kept his familiar in the bag as a kind of guard dog. So the stealthy nin<a ended up having his ass handed to him by a Buasit permanently polymorphed into +ush Limbaugh.% didn1t understand that last bit either but % couldn1t bring myself to ask. El 0isgusto: H?ntie meE The other nin<as know %1m hereEH heating .astard: H2nce he1s tied down face first on the bed % check and see how the fireplace pokers are heating up.H ,sycho 0ave: H+oll a d#$.H &roll nudge*

heating .astard: H%1m so awesome, another natural twentyEH ,sycho 0ave: HThe pokers are white hot.H El 0isgusto: HAou can1t do this to meE %1m a nin<aEH heating .astard: H% get the hottest, sharpest looking poker and approach the bed.H 3e: H@hy are we doing thisCH heating .astard: H%1m teaching him a valuable lesson.H El 0isgusto: H3y character fle5es every muscle in my body at onceEH ,sycho 0ave: H@hyCH El 0isgusto: HTo weaken the ropesE @hat are you stupidCH heating .astard: H3y character presses the end of the hot poker against the nin<a1s buttcheeks.H El 0isgusto: HAou1ll pay for thisE Aou1ll all pay for thisE "asturE "asturE "asturE "asturE "asturE "asturEH

% for one never thought % would be glad to see the arrival of a member of the thulhu 3ythos. "astur showed up and stomped on the %nn killing everyone. % don1t ever recall being so happy but sadly in a game like this death is fleeting, only trauma and humiliation endure.The party found themselves resurrected in the crater where the %nn had been. ' figure in brown and black robes stared at us. 'fter some preliminary insults he led us through a strange looking portal. ,sycho 0ave: HThe @i4ard Shickelgruber leads you through a portal and you find yourself on a wasted landscape. Tall dark chimneys belch ashes into the sky. The air is filled with the stench of burning flesh.H

heating .astard: HAou sure we1re not smelling the nin<a1s assCH El 0isgusto &@aving the Stick of ,ain*: H0on1t make me use thisEH ,sycho 0ave: H'll around you strange devices and men in dark uniforms are walking around doing stuff. The wi4ard e5plains that he needs your help to get the @and of 2rcus.H @easly rusher: H@hyCH

,sycho 0ave: HTo e5plain the wi4ard leads you through a metal gate with the words @2+/ L%.E+'TES engraved into it. "e takes you to this huge pit filled with emaciated bodies. he e5plains to you that he needs to use the @and to turn these bodies into undead so he can beat back the armies invading his land.H 3e &3y high school education kicked in right about then*: H@ait <ust a goddamn minute here)H ,sycho 0ave: HThe wi4ard pulls back his cloak revealing his piercing blue eyes and small dark moustache.H 3e: H@e1re in a concentration campC So we can help "itler win the warCH 0eviant .oy: H@hat1s he paying usCH ,sycho 0ave: H-old teeth.H 3e: HAou1re kidding rightC Aou can1t be serious.H heating .astard: HThis is cool, kind of a 1Shindler1s Lich1H 3e: HThis is unbelievableE % wasted si5 hours of my life for thisCH ,sycho 0ave: HAes it is unbelievable but we1re here to play a game not

debate the so)called "olocaust.H @easly rusher: H"ow many gold teeth does it take to make a gold piece anywayCH

Gery calmly and Duietly % began to pack up my papers and dice. % promised myself % was <ust going to leave, not make another scene. % didn1t know if %1d ever game again, % was pretty sure % had hit rock bottom. %t didn1t feel like % had e5pected. Short 'ttention Span Larry: H"ey you big liarE % thought you didn1t have anything but water. Look at all these bottles of 3ountain 0ew you have stowed under the stairs.H El 0isgusto: HStay away from thoseEH Short 'ttention Span Larry: H@hat1s the big deal, % <ust want a glass or two. "eck %1m so thirsty %1ll give you a buck for the whole damn bottle.H El 0isgusto: HNoE Aou don1t understandE That1s not 3ountain 0ew.H Short 'ttention Span Larry &,ausing in unscrewing the cap on one of the bottles*: H"uhCH El 0isgusto: H%t1s) it1s urine.H 3e: HThat1s funny % thought you said urine.H El 0isgusto: H%t is urine, % don1t like to go upstairs to the bathroom when %1m watching TG so % go in the bottles and throw them away later.H

.eing a wannabe horror writer % often describe people having skin) crawling sensations, % had never truly e5perienced it until that very

moment. % looked around the room, reali4ing now that there half)full bottles stashed everywhere. Some were crusted with age and other substances. This % reali4ed was rock bottom.

3e: H@hen do you throw these bottles awayCH El 0isgusto: H%1ll get around to it sometime.H 3e: H% need to go home now. % need to go take a shower.H ,sycho 0ave: H@hat about the gameCH 3e: H% trip and fall on my sword)H ,sycho 0ave: H+oll for it.H 3e: H% fall on my sword again and again) ?NT%L T"E "?+T%NST2,SEEEH

'nd then % went home and never, ever played 0J0 again and % certainly never drank another bottle of 3ountain 0ew.

RPG.)*T rant +/ The God Tri!

originally posted to +,-.net on $9)=$)#$$# 77:$9 ,3: @'+N%N-E T"E !2LL2@%N- ST2+A 3'A 2!!EN0 SENS%T%GE +E'0E+S, ,E2,LE T"'T "'TE SEB?ELS 2! SEB?ELS, L2GE+S 2! 0%SNEA '+T22NS, ST+%, L?.S 'N0 T"E S"2@ 13'N%3'L1

% had sworn off role)playing but found myself back at the table nonetheless. 3y only other group of friends only wanted to spend their nights at Strip lubs. 'fter a few evenings of that activity % reali4ed that no matter which group of friends % was with % was going to go home frustrated and full of self)loathing.

't least gaming was cheaper. @e were at the apartment of a fellow by the name of Nolan Goid, he was a computer programmerLperformance artist. "e was famous for creating brilliant +,- campaigns that were rich in detail and populated with interesting characters. Sadly most of these games lasted for # sessions if you were lucky. Nolan was a tad mercurial. So there we were at Nolan Goid1s apartment, it was El 0isgusto, 0eviant .oy, @easly rusher and Fohnny Tangent. ,sycho 0ave was unavailable, due in part to that whole stalking @illiam Shatner phase he was going through. heating .astard was off playing in a @arhammer tournament)not because he liked it but because he lived to make wargamers cry.

El 0isgusto: H% still don1t see why we had to come over here when we could have used my basement.H 3e: H@e will never use your basement again, at least not until a "'I3'T team gets in there.H El 0isgusto: H@hat are you my 3omCH 3e: H@ere you smothered in your sleepCH El 0isgusto: HNo.H 3e: HThen %1m not your 3om.H

Fohnny Tangent: HAou know % still think they should never have canceled 3animal.H @easly rusher: H%t was a national tragedy.H

0eviant .oy: H?rsula 'ndress was in the pilot. @hat a hottie.H El 0isgusto: H3animal sucked. Fust like 'b=1s car.H @easly rusher: HAeah that show was highly overrated.H

Nolan Goid: H2/ now, let1s everyone get ready for the game. % am sure you will find it very)H 3e: H"old on a second hereC Aou1re dissing my carCH El 0isgusto: HAour car is a rusted hunk of crap. Aou got a problem with thatCH 3e: H% drove you here in that car because you don1t have a car.H El 0isgusto: HSoCH 3e: HSo how can you critici4e my car when you don1t even have one of your ownCH El 0isgusto: H.ecause when my -randma does buy me a car it will be a lot better than yourpiece of crap.H Fohnny Tangent: H'ctually if we converted 'b=1s car to you might find it very impressive.H ar @ars stats

Nolan Goid: H2/ then on to the game. Aou will all be playing yourselves...H 0eviant .oy: H an you repeat thatCH

3y -od he had guts. Not only were we playing ourselves but the system was essentially diceless. The very thought panicked some of the guys at the table but Nolan was a convincing guy. ,retty soon everyone1s enthusiasm level was back up and play began...

Nolan Goid: H2/ then, it1s <ust another day for you guys. @hat are your characters, which are you, doingCH 3e: H?hhhh... what day is it in the gameCH Nolan Goid: H' Sunday.H 3e: H% guess %1m at work.H 0eviant .oy: H%1m sure %1m waking up in the bed of some lovely lady.H @easly rusher: H%1m in church.H

El 0isgusto: H%1m buying comics.H Fohnny Tangent: H,erhaps %1m finally learning how to play the bassoon.H

Nolan Goid: H2/ then. Each of you at e5actly the same time are approached by a dark figure in a silver trenchcoat. "e addresses you by name and says that he has a message for you.H El 0isgusto: H@hat1s the message that 0avid .owie is having a garage saleC 3e: H% ask what the message is.H @easly rusher: H% yell loudly to FesusC @hat1s the percentage for -od

call in this gameCH 0eviant .oy: H% get dressed Duickly but make sure to let this strange visitor get a look at my huge dong so that he might know despair.H Fohnny Tangent: H% look around for T'+0%Ses.H Nolan Goid then went on to tell us that this mysterious figure told each of us that we had a special destiny and that we need to be awakened. This being nearly a decade before T"E 3'T+%( we were confused and dubious. Still though when he reached into his pocket and withdrew a strange glowing cube we all went along with it, with one e5ception... El 0isgusto: H% attackEH Nolan Goid: H2/ then... you fail.H El 0isgusto: H@hatC @hatCH Nolan Goid: HThe guy is too fast for you.H El 0isgusto: HNo he1s notEH 3e: H@hat1s the big dealCH El 0isgusto: HK months of Tae /won 0oE 0o you hear meC K months of Tae /won 0o to make black beltE %1m a white nin<a do you hear meC ' L%G%N- @E',2NEH Later investigations proved that this was technically true El 0isgusto had been discharged from "arvey @hitstien1s 3artial 'rts Emporium with a black belt. 2f course the rest of El 0isgusto1s karate gi was eDually black. "e <ust let it fester in his locker between classes. Sensei "arvey discharged El 0isgusto because no one could stand the stench any more. This may have solved all the Emporium1s problems but this 1early graduation1 had twisted El 0isgusto1s mind even further and now he insisted the reason he had a black belt was because he was the

reincarnation of a long dead nin<a named 1Shinobi1. Still though no one, not even Nintendo1s lawyers, called him on it because he would then challenge you to a fight. "is fighting style was a combination of slaps and groin kicks punctuated by .ruce Lee)like yells and no one wanted any part of that.

Nolan Goid: Though you battle the stranger valiantly he still manages to draw the strange cube from his <acket and he)H El 0isgusto: H% smash itE % smash itEH Nolan Goid: HFust touching it makes your mind e5plode at a million miles an hour.H El 0isgusto: H% don1t screamE Not matter how bad it is % don1t screamEH Nolan Goid: HThe same thing happens to all of you. The very universe seems to melt around you. Aour screams are swallowed up by the roaring chaos that consumes you.H Fohnny Tangent: H% curl into a ball and try to avoid being noticed by the "ounds of Tinados.H 3e: H% scream.H El 0isgusto: H@ussyEH 0eviant .oy: H% close my eyes and use what could be my last moments to fantasi4e about hristine 3c-lade.H @easly rusher: H@hoCH an1t 0o That 2n

0eviant .oy: H hristine 3c-lade from Aou Television.H

Fohnny Tangent: H3ooseCH 0eviant .oy: H-od yes.H @easly rusher: HThat1s your ultimate babeCH

0eviant .oy: H'nd my first se5ual e5perience.H 3e: HAou can stop now.H 0eviant .oy: H% was fifteen years old and in one of the episodes she was lost her clothes and had to hide her nakedness behind a cue card.H 3e: H% said you can stop now.H 0eviant .oy: H%t was ama4ing, it wasn1t even like you could see anything but % still had this ama4ing spontaneous e<aculation...H 3e: H2h for -od1s sakeEH

% probably wouldn1t have been as upset if he hadn1t had the e5act same first se5ual e5perience as % had... 2nce we got past all that Nolan described the strange place our characters found ourselves in.

Nolan Goid: H2/ then, you each wake up to find yourselves wearing white robes and)H Fohnny Tangent: HTo)gaE To)gaEH Nolan Goid: H)in the center of the room is a giant dome)H Fohnny Tangent: H!illed with colored brainsE >$ Buatloos on the newcomerEH

Nolan Goid: H) and you can see entire gala5ies swirling with in it. The)H Fohnny Tangent: H3y -od1s it1s full of starsEH Nolan Goid: H)they look to be human and they are dressed in black and sliver. The leader, the one that approached you first steps forward to say)H Fohnny Tangent: HAou will bow down before me For)ElE Aou wi) %%%%EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH Nolan1s savage attack surprised all of us, we didn1t think he had it in him, but then again no -ame 3aster likes to be heckled. @hen Nolan began speaking again Fohnny was lolling da4ed in his chair, a dice bag stuffed in his mouth.

Nolan Goid: H2/ then the man informs you that they are the last of the Lords of +eality and that the very universe is dying.H 3e: H%ntriguing.H El 0isgusto: H ut to the chase. @ho do we have to whackCH Nolan Goid: HThe Lord of +eality informs you that your Duest is not one of destruction but of preservation. "e needs you to save all of creation by finding a way restore the energy stores at its heart.H @easly rusher: H@e have to change the batteries of the universeCH

0eviant .oy: H@hy do we have to save the universeC @hat1s in it for usCH Fohnny Tangent: H3mmphE 3mmphEH 3e: H"e has a point. % ask the Lords of +eality why they can1t do this

for themselvesCH Nolan Goid: HThey e5plain that if they left their posts reality would break down in a matter of minutes.H @easly rusher: H"ow are we supposed to change the batteries of the universeC @e have no powers, we don1t even have a spaceship.H Nolan Goid: HThe Lords of +eality say they will give you the power to do what needs to be done. They will make you gods.H

There was an audible hush. %t was one of those moments that % know well as a -3 it is the moment before a game becomes really great or goes terribly wrong. Fohnny Tangent: H3phlCH Nolan Goid: HAes gods.H El 0isgusto: H-ods godsCH Nolan Goid: HThey tell you 1Aou will have the power to create and control matter but with that power comes a terrible responsibility.1H @easly rusher: HAeah but we1ll be gods rightCH

Nolan Goid: H1Aes.1 They say, H.ut the use of those godlike powers actually drains the life)force of the universe so wield it with caution.H 0eviant .oy: H.ut we1ll be gods rightCH Nolan Goid: MThat1s what % said.N El 0isgusto: H@e1ll take it.H

'nd so the Lords of +eality made us into gods using something they called 1the 'potheosis 0evice1. 0uring the process our bodies were picked apart molecule by molecule and put back together again. Nolan even provided laminated illustrations of the e5perience and played Emerson, Lake and ,almer in the background to enhance the e5perience.

Nolan Goid: H2/ then, when you emerge from the glowing red crystal you feel enhanced. Aour physical form shimmers. %f you pause you can sense the passage of atoms, the secrets of the universe bubble unbidden to the surface of your mind.H @easly rusher: H're we gods yetCH

Nolan Goid: HAes.H 3e: H% ask the)H Fohnny Tangent: H% fly faster than the speed of light.H @easly rusher: H% travel to the surface of the sun and walk aroundEH

El 0isgusto: H% teleport to StonehengeEH 0eviant .oy: H% turn 3ars into a perfect duplicate of -or and begin enslaving supermodels.H 3e: H-uys % don1t think)H Nolan Goid: HThis isn1t)H 0eviant .oy: H% make myself into a perfect duplicate of +on Feremy sculpted in molten silverEH @easly rusher: H2h yeahC @ell % make myself look like an angel if '5yl +ose were an angel... with purple eyes.H

Fohnny Tangent: HShape of.... 0onny 2smondEH El 0isgusto: H% shrink Stonehenge down and consume it. Then % find every holy place in the world and consume it.H Nolan Goid: H2/ then your power may)H El 0isgusto: HThen % raise +yleh from beneath the sea and drain thulhu1s life force.H 0eviant .oy: H% bring all the 0isney artoon hotties to life and take them one by oneE 'll of them) 'riel, .elle, Snow @hite, .ambi...H 3e: H.ambi was male.H 0eviant .oy: HAeah right who is gonna name a stripper after a male deerCH @easly rusher: H% bring all my 0J0 characters to life and take them to 0enny1s to apologi4e for the terrible rolls % make.H Fohnny Tangent: H% make them put a new 3animal series on the air and have Fosh @heaton write it. % star in it.H El 0isgusto: HNow % create a Stick of ,ain out of Strange 3atter. Then % force the elves to make me a mithral nin<a suit.H Nolan Goid: HThere... there are no elves in this game....H El 0isgusto: HThen % create some elves and make them do what % sayEH 0eviant .oy: HNow % take hristine 3c-lade and make her my DueenE Together will rule the New -or.H El 0isgusto: H@ith my new and improved Stick of ,ain and my mithral nin<a suit % teleport back to where we started and give 'b= a 2S3%

N%NF' S3' /02@NEH 3e: H@hatCH El 0isgusto: HAou heard meE There can be only one) .%T "E @hat do % roll to attackC "ey Nolan %... where did he goCH .ut Nolan had locked himself in the bathroom and he refused to come out. "e never ran a role)playing game again but some of the other guys say they1ve seen a character bearing his name on EverDuest wandering the edges of the game world grumbling to anyone who might listen about strange conspiracies involving nin<as and the 2smonds. % left an enraged El 0isgusto at the bus stop with 0eviant .oy and @easly rusher. Fohnny Tangent and % headed to the .ooby "atch, a local strip club, after all the night was still young.

RPG.)*T rant +0 'chy .reaky 3ythos

originally posted to ,+-.net on $8)$O)#$$# $=:=K '3: @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- ,2ST 3'A 2!!EN0 ,E2,LE @%T" .%+T" 0E!E TS, 32LES 'N0 'N0 !'NS 2! ", L2GE +'!T, @+ESTL%N'N0 2?NT+A 3?S%

The poster of .illy +ay sign to all of us.

yrus on his wall should have been a warning

.ut we were desperate for a game of 'LL 2! T"?L"? that didn1t have 0imensional Shamblers driving ice cream trucks. This new game master was .iff .am, an old friend of heating .astard, apparently

they had met in military school together. %t was a Sunday afternoon at .iff1s house and we were five pasty)skinned gamers crammed into the laundry room that was furnished with a washer, dryer, cardtable, mismatched chairs and a heat blistered photo of 3r. 'chy).reaky "eart himself. !rom where % sat .illy +ay stared out at me in bland <udgment.

El 0isgusto: HLook all %1m saying is that you owe me four bucks.H 3e: H% don1t owe you anything, % told you not to eat that damn salad in my car.H @easly rusher: H% can1t believe that 0eviant .oy would rather be with his girlfriend than game.H .iff .am: H@ho1s he with now anywayCH @easly rusher: HThe girl that works at the comic shop.... 'senath.H

heating .astard: HShe seems nice...H El 0isgusto: H@hoahE @aitE "old the phoneE 'senathC The one with the deformed baby arm thing going onCH @easly rusher: HThat would be her.H

El 0isgusto: HThat1s the ultimate lover he was bragging aboutCH 3e: H@ell % for one am glad that he found someone to bond with.H El 0isgusto: HShe has a baby armE "ow can he stand to even be near herC She1s deformedE @hat can they possibly be doing togetherCH @easly rusher: H"e says it1s like getting a hand<ob from a ,terodactyl.H

3e: H2h sweet Fesus you did not have to go there...H .iff .am: H'senathC %s that name a -reek nameC %t sounds like something out of Gampire the 3asDueradE%E.H

That last bit was not a typo, that was how .iff pronounced 13asDuerade1. .iff had this habit of randomly mispronouncing things in ways that made little or no sense at all. To show this % will caps lock the creative pronunciations so we can all en<oy them.

.iff .am: H% looked over your character sheets and everything is 2/ e5cept for one thing. % asked everyone to make aca3'demians and one of you made a n%3<a.H El 0isgusto: H"e is a professor of nin<a studies.H 3e: H0id they have nin<a studies in the 78=$sCH El 0isgusto: HAou better watch yourself, you1re already on thin ice with me.H 3e: H2oooo %1m scared.H El 0isgusto: H.etter be. % will drop you like a wet taco.H heating .astard: H@hatCH .iff .am: H/eep it down guys. 3y 3om is trying to watch 3adam1s ,lace.H @easly rusher: HSorry.H

.iff .am: H@ell let1s <ust say you are a professor of occidental

mytholo-%N%TA who studies kung)fu and stuff.H El 0isgusto: H@hatever.H

's he was talking he closed the laundry room door, sealing us off from the outside world. The fluorescent light made my gaming companions look like cadavers)not like the healthy wholesome kind of cadavers you find under the earth, more like the kind you would find washed up off the shores of New Fersey. .iff set the stage for us with very broad strokes, we were all respected professors of mythology, theology and archeology.

.iff .am: HNow all your characters know each other on a ,2?+fesional level. !or some of you there may be an academic rivalry. your character may have called another character1s ideas into Duestion.H heating .astard: H@ith near perfect scores like mine you1d have to cra4y to mess with my character.H .iff .am: H'll of your characters have a mutual friend, an adventurer named 0ick 3arvil.H El 0isgusto: H% have to be a professor and this 0ick 3arvil gets to be an adventurerCH .iff .am: HEach of you receive a telegram from 0ick asking you to visit him at the house he inherited in 'rkham, 3assachusetts .H 3e: H% pack immediatelyEH heating .astard: H% have my servants pack for me.H @easly rusher: H% take my pet komodo dragon and go.H

.iff .am: H/omodoCH

@easly

rusher: HAou agreed to it. %t1s on my character sheet.H

.iff .am: HLet me see. @hereCH @easly rusher: H2n the back.H

.iff .am: H@hereCH @easly rusher: HNear the bottom.H

.iff .am: HThis thing hereC % thought it was a watermark.H

%t took a few moments to resolve the whole komodo situation, mostly because .iff enforced his rulings by wrestling you to the ground and pinning you until you blacked out. 'll the while the laundry room grew hotter and hotter. % tried to distract myself from @easly1s muffled cries by glancing up at the poster but % had to look away.@as it my imagination or had his e5pression changedC

.iff .am: HSo you all reach 0ick 3arvil1s great uncle1s m'%nor on the same dark and stormy night.H El 0isgusto: HNot me. % keep away from everyone else. % get a motel room in town and barricade myself in.H heating .astard: H@hyCH El 0isgusto: H.ecause they1re my rivals, how do % know this isn1t all some setup to get rid of meCH 3e: H2ur characters are academic rivals. Stress on academic.H El 0isgusto: H%1m role playingE 3y character is a very stressed person, no one respects the field of 'pplied Nin<a Studies.H

@easly

rusher: H%s his character losing Sanity points alreadyCH

3e: H"e1s loosing them in real life.H .iff .am: H%1ll be running the whole Sanity ,oints thing a little dAEfferently, <ust so you know.H 3e: H0ifferently howCH .iff .am: H@ell the whole San'Nity rules thing doesn1t make a lot of sense to me.H @easly rusher: H%t seems easy enough, you see something scary you roll your sanity.H heating .astard: H% rarely fail my sanity rolls.H .iff .am: HSee that1s the probl'3, the whole Sanity thing is based on fear more than anything else and real men have no fear.H 3e: HEveryone is scared of something.H .iff .am: HThat1s what they tell the wussies.H El 0isgusto: H"e means you ya wuss.H .iff .am: HSo in my game you Sanity stat measures your manliness. The less Sanity p%Nts you have the more gay you are.H 3e: HAou1re kidding rightCH

There was a muffled shouting and screeching from the other room. .iff paled a bit and e5cused himself from the laundry room. "e made sure to close the door behind him.@e stared at each other across the peeling card table and tried to make out what was being said behind

the warped plywood door.

heating .astard: H@ouldn1t it be cool if <ust for once one El 0isgusto1s characters actually tried to <oin the partyCH El 0isgusto: H@ouldn1t it be cool if you rolled your dice where everyone could see themCH 3e: H'm % the only person uncomfortable with this guys homebrewed Sanity rulesCH El 0isgusto: H@ussEH 3e: HAou know once % start slapping you %1m not going to be able to stop.H El 0isgusto: HAeah try and slap me. %1m a si5)month black belt. ' white nin<a. % walk between the raindropsEH 3e: H'nd here % was <ust thinking you didn1t shower.H @easly rusher: H'm % the only person uncomfortable with the fact % was <ust wrestled to the groundCH heating .astard: H"ey give the guy a chance here, he runs a cool game. 'nd 0ick 3arvil is an awesome N, .H @easly rusher: H"e was strangling me.H

3e: HSorry this whole thing is a tad weird.H El 0isgusto: HLike %1m sure the opinion if some failed writer matters.H @easly rusher: H% still can1t feel my fingertips.H

3e: H@hatC @here the "ell do you get off talking to me like thatCH

El 0isgusto: HAou1ve had three novels re<ected by publishers here and in England. That sounds like failure to me.H 3e: HThe only failure is in not trying.H El 0isgusto: H2h please. Think about this 'b=, think about the worst novel ever published. .y default that novel is better than anything you ever wrote. @illiam Shatner1s writing has more meaning than yours.H @hen those words left his lips % could swear % heard the poster of .illy +ay yrus urging me to kill. ,erhaps % might have. %t wouldn1t have been the first gaming related fatality in our town, but before % could act .iff returned and the game got back underway.@hile El 0isgusto1s character stayed in town and sharpened his katanas we were given a tour of the house that 0ick 3arvil had inherited. %t was very creepy and very gothic... or goT"% /E as .iff would say.

.iff .am: HThen 0ick tells you about his adventures in the 2rient and how he made a fortune smuggling <adE%E.H 3e: H'nother fortuneC "ow about that.H heating .astard: HAeah my character helped with that.H .iff .am: HThat was the time that 0ick 3arvil killed 77 men with a bent spoon.H heating .astard: HSaved my character1s life % remember that.H @easly rusher: H@ho was game mastering thisCH

.iff .am: H% was.H El 0isgusto: H% drag the whetstone across my katana. Scraaaape. Scraaaape. Scraaaaape.H

.y now the laundry room was roughly the temperature of thuga1s blasphemous armpit. % sat there sweat pouring off me, as the .iff continued to feed us the 1Legend of 0ick 3arvil1.0ick 3arvil was a man among men, a millionaire playboy and inventor. "is hobbies were archeology and fighting crime. "e was a master of the martial arts, bo5ing, fencing and a crack shot with any kind of gun. "e could also drive racecars, navigate ships and fly aircraft. 's he led us from room to room of the strange manor he puffed away on a pipe that had been given to him by 1Sherlock "olmSES1. @easly rusher: H.ut why are we hereCH

El 0isgusto: H%1m not there. Scraaaaaape. Scraaaaaaape.H heating .astard: HAes what can we do for the great manCH .iff .am: H"e has found in the basement a strange old library full of "2ccult books. 2nly you four)H El 0isgusto: H%1m not thereE Scraaape. Scraaaaaape.H .iff .am: H2nly you characters have the skills necessary to catalogue and investigate these books.H 3e: H%s he paying usCH .iff .am: HSure, but it1s late he escorts you to your rooms so you can rest for the night. Aou can all start work in the morning.H 3e: H!ine. !ine % get ready for bed.H heating .astard: H3y character works on his latest book.H El 0isgusto: H% wait until midnight. Then % go to stately 3arvil manor.H

@easly

rusher: H% get ready for bed too.H

.iff .am: H0o you change into your kimonoC The one you have on the back of your character sheetCH @easly rusher: HNo.H

.iff .am: H.ecause that1s what it says rightCH @easly rusher: HAes.H

3e: H%s there a window or something you can crack open hereC %t1s stifling.H .iff .am: HSorry, the only window1s pai"'%nted shut. %f you1re hot <ust take your shirt off.H

'nd with that .iff took his shirt off. % must admit % had never considered what % might do if a fellow role player started stripping in front of me. % had hoped that if it did happen % would be gaming with either ,hoebe ates or hristine 3c-lade..ut % never have that kind of luck. %nstead % found myself starting at .iff1s doughy man)teats.@hen % looked away % found myself staring back at .illy +ay. The ha4e of gamer1s funk made his mullet shift disturbingly. 2ur characters turned in for the night.

El 0isgusto: H% park my car a mile from the house. %1m all dressed in black. % walk) N2E Leap from tree to tree with <ust my katana and my Thompson submachine gun.H heating .astard: H@hyCH El 0isgusto: HLet1s <ust say you bitches picked the wrong academic rivalEH

.iff .am: H's you draw closer to the house you see strange garg?+LE like shapes moving about on the roof.H El 0isgusto: H an % see what room 'b=1s character is inCH .iff .am: H,lease make a Sanity roll.H El 0isgusto: H@hyC !or freaking shadowsC % am a shadowE %1m a Nin<a ,h.0.EH .iff .am: HThe shadows are unearT"E0ly, please roll.H El 0isgusto: HScrew that my character wouldn1t be scared of N22222222222222EEEH

El 0isgusto tried to run but .iff had the home field advantage and before anyone else could react the 1white nin<a1 was in a figure four leglock. heating .astard seemed to be en<oying the show, but @easly was flinching. % stared at the poster, why would anyone have a poster like that on their laundry room wallC @hyC2nce .iff had reestablished himself as the alpha geek the game continued. El 0isgusto was oddly subdued, even in the murky light % could see on his face the impression of the dP he had landed on.

.iff .am: HAou guys sure you don1t want to take your shirts offCH @easly rusher: H%1m comfortable.H

El 0isgusto: H% doff my .oba !ett T)shirt for no man.H 3e: H%1m en<oying the whole heatstroke thing thanks anyway.H .iff .am: H@hat wrong with youC @e1re all guys here. Take off your shirt.H

heating .astard: H@hatCH .iff .am: H ... take off your shirt.H

%t was like that scene at the end of !'3E but worse because instead of %rene ara you had a man with the physiDue and skin tones of a naked mole rat. !rom my vantage point .illy +ay seemed to be si4ing up heating .astard for reasons % couldn1t fathom. %f a poster could have seethed with inhuman urges this poster did.There was a fresh chorus of grumbles and roars. ' shadow passed across .iff1s features and he e5cused himself again.

3e: H@e have got to get out of here.H heating .astard: H@hat forC @e <ust got here.H El 0isguto: Hohshinobiohshibiohshinobi....H @easly rusher: H3aybe if our characters kill themselves.H

3e: HLet1s <ust leave.H heating .astard: HAou do that and he might get upset.H El 0isguto: Hohshinobiohshibiohshinobi....H @easly rusher: H@e1re doomedE % can1t take my shirt off % <ust can1tE % have this whole third nipple thing...H heating .astard: HFust en<oy the game guys. "e1s a great -3.H 3e: HNews flashE 2n the planet %1m from role)playing is not a blood sportEH El 0isguto: Hohshinobiohshibiohshinobi....H

3e: H@hat the "ELL are you doingCH El 0isgusto: HTrying to contact the nin<a % was in a previous life. @ith his power and mine we beat this guy1s ass.H 3e: HAou know every time % think %1ve met someone more screwed up than you) you <ust set the bar a little higher.H

The terror and the heat made the minutes pass like hours. ould % make it past .iff to the doorC The poster of .illy +ay yrus mocked my hopes. @as he some dark redneck god that we were all doomed to be sacrificed toC

3e: H@here did he goCH heating .astard: H"is mother has some foot condition. "as to give her like foot rubs every couple of hours or so.H @easly rusher: H2h my god.H

El 0isgusto: H% thought % smelled .en -ayEH .iff .am: HSorry to keep you waiting. @hy does everyone still have their shirts onCH

% would like to be able to tell you that this was the moment % chose to make my stand against the madness going on around me but that1s not e5actly what happened. @e role played shirtless for the ne5t hour or so. 2ur characters were woken by the sound of Nightgaunts throwing a certain fully accredited nin<a through the front window.0ick 3arvil disappeared and we found ourselves under siege, none of the weapons we had) nin<a or otherwise were at all effective. 2ur characters barricaded themselves in thelibrary and began desperately

reading spellbooks in the hopes of some way they might save themselves.

.iff .am: HAou failed your sanity roll again.H @easly rusher: H2h no.H

.iff .am: H2k now your character not only has a limp wrist which gEAEGEs him a de5tE+2S%TA modifier but he now speaks with a lisp.H @easly rusher: H2k.H

.iff .am: HAou better be lisping when you talk. -ot itCH @easly rusher: HAeT".H

heating .astard: H0o any of these boo/T" helpCH .iff .am: HNothing has h'L,ed yet. Suddenly the door crashes in and there are Ni Egaunts ever streaming down the stairs.H El 0isgusto: H% try to commit seppuku with a copy of the /ing %n Aellow.H 3e: H%sn1t there anything we can doCH .iff .am: HNo.H heating .astard: H% keep reading the boo/T". FusT" in 3e: H% wait for the inevitable.H .iff .am: HThe night-+?NTS close in... closer... closer... when suddenly)H @easly rusher: H@e all die... pleaseCH aseT".H

.iff .am: H@hen suddenly 0ick 3arvil hurls himself down the stairs and wrestLEI the closest nightgaunt to the ground.H El 0isgusto: H%1m still killing myselfEH .iff .am: HThe nightgaunt1s neck breaks with a sickening snap and then 0ick 3arvil throws himself at the ne5t one and repEE,ats the pr? EssEH heating .astard: H0oeT" he kill all of themCH .iff .am: HAes. "e breaks all their necksE Aou1re savedEH @easly rusher: H"ooray.H

3e: H@ait a minute. -uns and katanas can1t scratch these things but their necks snap like twigsCH .iff .am: HNot my fault none of you thought to do that.H

That was it. % was on my feet.

3e: HThis is a load of bullshit. Aou don1t know the first thing about all of thulhu and you sure as "ell have no idea how to run a role)playing game if you think our idea of a good time is being your pet character1s !? /%N- ENT2?+'-EEH

heating .astard gasped with horror. @easly crawled under the desk. El 0isgusto soiled himself for reasons that could only be his own. % was already running for the door to the laundry room when % felt meaty hands grabbing hold of me and dragging me down. 3y vision began to go black. The last thing % saw was the poster of .illy +ay yrus and in that last moment % reali4ed that when it came to horror gaming %

didn1t know 0ick.

RPG.)*T rant +1 2onty Python 2isha!s In The %ee!est Pit Of 3omebre4 3ell

originally posted to +,-.net on $8)79)#$$# $#:$K '3: ,E2,LE T"'T L%/E @%LL%'3 S"'TNE+, .E0@ETTE+S, 3ENT'L "E'LT" @2+/E+S, ,E2,LE T"'T +E'TE "23E.+E@E0 +,-S 'N0 'NA2NE T"'T T"%N/S T"ESE T"%N-S '+EN1T !?NNA 'N0 %13 F?ST .E'T%N- ' 0E'0 "2+SE @%T" T"E ST% / 2! ,'%N 3'A N2T @'NT T2 +E'0 'NA !?+T"E+. The state mental health facility reali4ed ,sycho 0ave partly because he had agreed to stay at least >$$ yards away from @illiam Shatner and partly because they reali4ed that he had somehow organi4ed all the patients in the facility into some weird kind of ST'+ T+E/ L'+,. @e celebrated his return to the outside world by gathering at El

0isgusto1s basement for a game. ,sycho 0ave: H%t was the most intense gaming of my life. % almost wish %1d done something worse so we could have continued the game.H @easly rusher: H% wish % could have been there.H

El 0isgusto: HAeah well %1m glad your back so we can get some normal gaming done again.H 3e: HThe basement looks great. 0id your parents remodelCH El 0isgusto: H/inda, they found this to5ic mold growing all over the walls and ceiling.H

3e: H@hatC % thought they <ust repainted.H El 0isgusto: HNahhh these are the original colors. The mold <ust kind of covered everything. 3e: H3y -od... we1re been playing here for over a year...H El 0isgusto: HAeah, % guess they couldn1t believe how much of it there was. They sent over some scientists from the university to look at it.H @easly rusher: H@ow.H

El 0isgusto: HThen % had to administer a Stick of ,ain beatdown to one of them when % caught one of them eyeing my ELE3ENT'LS SE( S,E %'L.H ,sycho 0ave: HThat1s <ustifiable.H El 0isgusto: H%t gets better once % hit this old fart he goes falling back into my table of <ust painted minis. % was ready to kill) if my 3om hadn1t)H 3e: H2ld fartC Aou hit an old manCH El 0isgusto: H"e had a fair chance to defend himself, he had a caneEH @easly moldCH rusher: H ould we have gotten high from eating the to5ic

The basement door creaked open and heating .astard came in carrying three milk crates stuffed with ring binders. Since we all had bad feelings regarding 0J0, Lords of reation and all of thulhu heating .astard had volunteered to run us through the homebew rpg system and world he had been working on since the Early Eighties. % might have been a little worried if % hadn1t noticed that .iff .am was helping him carry milk crates five through eight.

3e: H@hat the "ell is he doing hereCH ,sycho 0ave: H% invited him.H 3e: H@hyCH ,sycho 0ave: H@e1re old friends. @e got thrown out of basic training together.H @easly rusher: H"e1s the one that kept wrestling us to the groundEH

3e: H"e brutali4ed usEH ,sycho 0ave: H alm down. "e1ll behave. "e probably did reali4e what a bunch of sissies you guys can be.H @easly rusher: H"e threw me to the ground so hard that it made it hurt when % pee.H El 0isgusto: H@hat are you guys talking aboutC % was there and none of this happen.H 3e: H@hat are we talking aboutC Aou were right there. "e made us strip to the waistE "e pinned you to the floorEH El 0isgusto: HNever happened.H 3e: H.oy % wish % could edit my life for content.H heating .astard: H2/ % hope you guys are ready for an awesome gaming e5perienceEH 3e: H%t looks impressive.H heating .astard: HAeah % haven1t run this game since Lance Stargrove1s gaming group left town.H

@easly rusher: H@asn1t that the gaming group that went cra4y all of a sudden, set fire to their gaming supplies and <oined some weird space cultCH heating .astard: H% think they1re called "eaven1s -ate or something.H ,sycho 0ave: HThat was a great movie. "ighly underrated.H .iff .am: H2k %1ll be helping with character crEE,ation, did you all bring an algebra"'ic calculatorsCH

'nd so it began, our decent into a nightmare of randomly generated attributes and higher maths began. !irst you rolled for your date of birth and your land of birth, then you rolled for your race. The book of races was over #$$ pages and ranged from 10warf -nome1 to 13inor +obotic -odling &%nsane*1. These three rolls were then factored in to compute a number that was added to the roll you made to determine your family background. Each of these societal, familial and locational factors were then averaged out and computed into a set of modifiers that you used when you rolled up your character1s statistics and personal appearance factors. ,sycho 0ave ended up creating a .erserker Space Elf, @easly rusher was a 3ountain 2gre leric, .iff .am was a "uman ,aladin, % ended up with a telekinetic farmer with e5hibitionist tendencies and El 0isgusto rolled up... a Nin<a.% found that profoundly disturbing.Then we began eDuipping our characters and % then reali4ed the depth of heating .astard1s madness. "e had an entire binder full of different sorts of eDuipment and then another binder full of randomly generated backgrounds for the eDuipment you bought. That way you knew if your sword was actually an heirloom from an empire long dead, if the food you bought was about to go bad and if your pack mule had anger management issues. %t was around this point that % began to feel faint. heating .astard: HSee now you1ve got characters you know from top to bottom.H

3e: H"ow long have we been doing thisC @ho1s president nowCH @easly rusher: HSo my 2gre used to be a solider but after he was visited by his -od on a battlefield on an alien planet he become a clericCH heating .astard: H0on1t forget that you were on that alien battlefield searching for your long lost brother. That gave you an Emotional @isdom modifier of Q5&=LA*.H @easly rusher: H2h yeah.H

El 0isgusto: H@hat1s the velocity modifier on a O$ year old katana that1s been well taken care ofCH .iff .am: HAou take the standard weapon statistic and factor it with the age, metal pE+ity and pommel modifiers.H El 0isgusto: H% think % need another pencil.H 3e: HThis system of yours... its interesting.H heating .astard: H%t1s +olemaster if +olemaster hadn1t been dumbed down for the masses.H .iff .am: H%t1s manly role)playing.H @easly rusher: HSo why did you guys get thrown out of basic trainingCH ,sycho 0ave: HThe usual, insubordination, setting fires and bedwetting. % thought that kind of thing would get me on the fast track to Special !orces.H .iff .am HLet1s <ust say that % was a little too manly for the 'rmy. They were intimid0%3ated by me.H

,sycho 0ave: H% thought it was your weight.H .iff .am: HNoE Aou see that1s a common mistake. %1m not fat this is <ust untoned muscle. %1m actually as ,SA "% ally strong as your average 2lympic @eightlifter... %1m <ust not as toned.H heating .astard: HTo "ell with them anyway, we1re forming our own militia.H .iff .am: H%1m desgin%3%Ning the logo for our berets.H 3e: H%t has been five hours can we please start the game soonCH El 0isgusto: H@uss.H 3e: HSo help me %1m going to beat your skull until candy comes out.H El 0isgusto: HTry it and %1ll saw you in half and count your rings.H 3e: H?hhhhh....H

!inally the game began, heating .astard had promised a game that was new and different. ' game world that encompassed everything from science fantasy to high fantasy. .ut somehow we ended up at a tavern at the edge of a swamp waiting for a mysterious stranger to ask us to do something. @e spent a little time role playing and negotiating with the mysterious stranger about our Duest. 'pparently he had stolen some mystical do)dad from the Spider Elves and he wanted us to bring it to a certain place by a certain time."owever in a surprising turn of events a sDuad of Spider Elves stormed the tavern looking for the mysterious stranger and combat broke out. ombat the likes of which no man was ever meant to endure. 3iniatures slide rules and compasses were used to generate the necessary to hit algorithms. Two hours later the first round of combat was over and % was beginning to suspect that Fack hick may have

had a point after all.

heating .astard: HToo bad. Aou might have hit if not for the inverse drag coefficient of the blood coating your blade.H El 0isgusto: H0amnitEH .iff .am: H% hate it when that happens.H 3e: H%s that the sun coming upCH ,sycho 0ave: HSo everyone got away e5cept the Nin<a.H @easly rusher: HShouldn1t we go back and rescue himCH

3e: H@hat would take longerC 3ore combat or rolling up another , CH &Lots of dice roll* heating .astard: HThe surviving Spider Elves knock the blade from your hands. They hold you by gabbing on to each of your arms and stretching you out.H El 0isgusto: H% try to break free Nin<a style.H heating .astard: HThat would be a back flip and a double mule kick. .iff get me the third volume of the combat maneuvers book.H &' d#$, d=$ and dP roll later* El 0isgusto: HShitEH heating .astard: H's they hold you there a dark figure in a golden codpiece approaches. The other Spider Elves defer to him and call him 13ost "oly1. H

El 0isgusto: H% call him 3ost 'ssholyEH heating .astard: HThe 3ost "oly of the Spider Elves smiles thinly and approaches and says that you will not be harmed and he has his men release you.H El 0isgusto: H% attack himEH &3ore dice are rolled in combination with non)Euclidean maths* heating .astard: H2k the Spider Elves grab you by the arms again, but this time they1re holding you up.H El 0isgusto: H% try to escape Nin<a)Style.H heating .astard: H2k but don1t forget to factor in wounds and e5haustion.H &3ore math and dice* El 0isgusto: H0'3N %TEH heating .astard: HThe 3ost "oly of the Spider Elves says he <ust needs to speak to you and then you can go free he tells you)H El 0isgusto: H% curse him and challenge him to a duelEH heating .astard: H"e e5plains that he doesn1t want to fight you, he <ust needs to speak to you because he needs)H El 0isgusto: H% kick himE % try to bite him if he gets too closeEH 3e: H3aybe you should <ust have your character listen to what this guy has to say.H El 0isgusto: H3aybe you should <ust put on a dress and pick daisiesEH

heating .astard: H3ost "oly draws the weapon from the scabbard at his side. Aou see it is a stellar blade, a sword that can tear through solid steel.H El 0isgusto: H% tell him that he can eat itE Eat it rawEH heating .astard: H"e tells his minions to hold you tightly, drawing your arms out taut from you body. "e tells you that if you don1t shut up and listen he will cut off your arm.H El 0isgusto: H% spit a nin<a loogie into his face.H &Lots of dice are rolled* heating .astard: H"e swings the blade down and severs your arm.H El 0isgustoE H,erfectE Since %1m free on one side % use the momentum to swing and head butt 3ister 3ost "olyEH heating .astard: HNo you don1tE Aou1re in agonyEH El 0isgusto: H' nin<a does not feel painE % attackEH &' few heated words and harsh calculations later* heating .astard: H2k now your character has lost both his arms.H El 0isgusto: H% attack again.H .iff .am: H3y -od we1re in a 32NT"ly ,ython skit.H heating .astard: H"owC "ow are you going to attackCH 3e: HAou know he has a point... your nin<a has been totally disarmed.H 2ur laughter only made heating .astard and El 0isgusto more angry.

'nother hour passed an in that hour El 0isgusto1s Nin<a lost both his legs. The remainder of the party was killed when @easly1s 3ountain 2gre fumbled using his racial ability and summoned an entire mountain on top of the swamp. 'pparently mountains fall from the sky pretty regularly on this world. .y then of course % had left. % had to be to work that morning.

RPG.)*T rant +5 6obayashi 2aru 7ith Random 8iolen&e and Su!ermodels

originally posted to +,-.net on $8)#K)#$$# 7$:7> ,3: @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- ST2+A 3'A 2!!EN0 ST'+ T+E/ !'NS, S?,E+320ELS 'N0 'NA2NE T"'T .EL%EGES L2+ENI2 L'3'S %S T"E E,%T23E 2! 22LNESS. 'b=1s log: Supplemental%t had been a bad month for gaming. .iff .am had been missing since we tried to run through the Tomb of "orrors. %t all started when his .arbarian fighter blundered through a portal. The portal was cursed and his character came out the other end of the portal nude and of the opposite gender. No one e5pected .iff .am to burst into tears and flee El 0isgusto1s basement. Everyone had assumed that % would be the one to end up doing that someday.'fter that % had tried to run .EA2N0 T"E S?,E+N'T?+'L but % dropped the campaign when % reali4ed that El 0isgusto had used the skill sets from N%NF'S 'N0 S?,E+S,%ES first edition to make his character. % signed on to run a horror game not to watch a character described as 1Loren4o Lamas but cooler1 kick werewolves through buses.@ell, that1s kind of a horror game % suppose. Now we were playing Star Trek, the !'S' rpg. ,sycho)0ave was running, his stint in the mental ward had inspired him.That1s how El

0isgusto, @easly rusher, 2l1 Aellowbelly and % found in ,sycho 0ave1s room, playing the bridge crew of the ?SS %ndestructible %%...

,sycho 0ave: HAou have an incoming transmission. 'b= you1re playing the communications officer, make a 0e5terity roll to make sure your character doesn1t slip and smack his face into the control panel while answering it.H &roll* 3e: H% made it.H El 0isgusto: HNice going 1?hura1.H 3e: H/eep it up with the ?rhura <okes and %1ll slap you until you think Trek G was a masterpiece.H @easly rusher: H%t wasn1tCH

,sycho 0ave: H%t1s a distress call, coming from a Starbase near the border with /lingon Space. They are under attack and you are the only ship close enough to get there in time.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H2h my -20E %t1s the /obiashi 3aruE @e1re screwedE @e1re screwedE an1t we call the Enterprise for backupCH ,sycho 0ave: HNo.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H an1t we fly sideways around the sun and travel back in time to before the attack happened and warn the EnterpriseCH ,sycho 0ave: HNo.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H0o we have to goCH ,sycho 0ave: HAes.H

2l1 Aellowbelly: H.ut) but)H ,sycho 0ave: H0o you want me to play Leonard Nimoy1s version of ,+2?0 3'+A for you againCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: H-et me to that StarbaseE 3a5imum warpEH

% never really understood why 2l1 Aellowbelly got into role)playing at all because he hated conflicts and confrontations. "is characters had fled the field of battle in <ust about every gaming genre % could think of. Even playing +%S/ and 32N2,2LA he brought an aspect of groveling to the table. The only way he would be a good role)player was if @hite @olf came out with +2 "ET: T"E /N%TT%N-.So naturally ,sycho 0ave decided to make him aptain.

,sycho 0ave: H't this speed your ship will be at the Starbase in twenty minutes.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% go to my ready room and start making plans.H ,sycho 0ave: H+oll to see if you trip on the step and knock yourself unconscious.H @easly rusher: H an % help.H

3e: HAou1re the helmsman you have to steer the ship.H @easly rusher: H% thought % was the weapons guy.H

,sycho 0ave: HAou have both <obs.H El 0isgusto: H@hich sucks. % was the weapons guy last ship.H 3e: HAou being the weapons guy is what cost us the %ndestructible

2ne.H El 0isgusto: HThose fricken1 -orns had it coming.H @easly rusher: HThe didn1t do anything.H

El 0isgusto: HThey were hailing us. % had to show them who was boss before aptain Twitchy started talking and made us look like ,icard like wussies.H @easly rusher: HAou fired unprovoked at a dreadnought.H

3e: H'nd then they fired back. .oy did they fire back.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% didn1t think the 'rdiun -rimmores had tables for e5plosive decompression.H ,sycho 0ave: H'rduin has something about everything. %t1s like 0ianetics for men. Now did you fail your 0e5 roll or notCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: HAes.H ,sycho 0ave: H'll right then let1s get out those damage tables.H 3e: HAou know this whole 1roll to see if you trip and fall down1 thing is kinda mean)spirited.H ,sycho 0ave: H-aming is a simulation of life. 're you saying people don1t trip and fall down in real lifeCH 3e: HNo but)H El 0isgusto: HAou know if you don1t like it you can <ust go play in that Lords of reation -ame % hear 0eviant .oy and his girlfriend are setting up.H @easly rusher: H% didn1t know that he had a copy of the rules.H

El 0isgusto: H% traded him the rulebooks 'b= left here for a @hopper.H 3e: HThose) Aou) Look can we <ust get back to this tripping and falling down discussionCH ,sycho 0ave: HNo. +ealism is what % am aiming for here and realism is what you are getting. 2/ Aellowbelly your character hits his mouth on the deck shattering his wisdom tooth to the gumline.H @easly rusher: H2wEH

2l1 Aellowbelly: HNow % see why .ones was always on the bridge.H ,sycho 0ave: HAou1re knocked unconscious by the pain.H 3e: H% call the ship1s 0octor and)H El 0isgusto: H.elay that orderE 's !irst 2fficer % am now in chargeE % order engineering to increase speed.H @easly rusher: H@e are already moving at ma5imum warp.H

El 0isgusto: H.ullcrapE Too much energy is being wasted. % order life support cut by fifty percent. % also have a pair of security guards fire their phasers into the dylithium containment chamber to 1hyperhcarge1 the crystals.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H@ill that workCH 3e: H% beg the captain to wake up.H El 0isgusto: H% call security to the bridge to arrest the 2fficer for insubordinationEH ommunications

3e: H@oah wait. "old on a minute here. @hat the hell is that sticking out of your notebookCH

,sycho 0ave: H' sai.H 3e: HNoE The other thing.H ,sycho 0ave: H2h you mean thisCH

There are moments in everyone1s life when their preconceived notions of reality are shaken to their very foundations. This was one of them for me. % had known my gaming friends were insane but what happened ne5t would show me the depths of their madness. The maga4ine that ,sycho 0ave dropped on the table before me was thick, glossy and reeked of mingled perfumes.

3e: H@hy... why are you reading

osmoCH

,sycho 0ave: H%t1s all part of my master plan.H 3e: H3aster plan to whatCH ,sycho 0ave: H% long ago decided that only a supermodel was worthy to carry my noble bloodline.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H%s this some kind of sicko kidnapping thing you1re planning because that breaks me out in hives...H El 0isgusto: HNo this plan is better. %t1s sheer genius. %f my heart wasn1t already spoken for %1d be trying it too.H @easly rusher: HSince when do you have a girlfriendCH

El 0isgusto: H-entlemen don1t brag but %1ve been seeing a girl pretty regularly for some time now.H

@easly

rusher: H@ho is sheCH

El 0isgusto: H"er name is 'nne 3c/en4ie and you wouldn1t know her, she lives in anada.H 3e: HAou1re not going to try and use the 1%1m dating a girl in line are youCH anada1

El 0isgusto: HShe1s real which is more than % can say for your hairline combover boy.H 3e: HLook can we get back to this whole osmopolitan 3aga4ine) supermodel)masterplan)thingC %1m morbidly curious.H ,sycho 0ave: HThe idea came to me a few weeks ago. % couldn1t sleep so % decided to try and roll up characters in the 3arvel Super "eroes +,- ?ltimate ,owers .ook until % got two that were e5actly the same.H @easly rusher: H% thought % was the only one that did that.H

2l1 Aellowbelly: H@hat does that have to do with supermodelsCH ,sycho 0ave: H@ell % reali4ed that all life is based on percentages... <ust like a role)playing game. Aou walk to work there1s a good chance that you1ll get there, a small chance that a rabid sDuirrel will bite you on the testicle.H @easly rusher: H% wish you1d all stop bringing that up.H

,sycho 0ave: HThe more you try to do something the greater your chance of actually succeeding, once again percentages.H 3e: H2nce again how do anore5ic women carrying your filthy seed factor into this conversationCH ,sycho 0ave: HThen % reali4ed that % could make these percentages work for me. Aou see if % write one letter to one supermodel asking her

to marry me the chances of my getting a yes are a million to one rightCH 3e: H onservatively.H ,sycho 0ave: HTherefore if % write thousands of letters to hundreds of different models my percentages increase. The more letters % write the better my chances.H El 0isgusto: HThe man1s a genius.H 3e: HThe man1s got more stamps than sanity.H ,sycho 0ave: HAou won1t be mocking me when /athy %reland is at my side massaging my dicebag. 'll % have to do is play the percentages.H

The whole thing left me more disturbed than any /irk and Spock in love ever could have. Somehow aptain Aellowbelly woke up before El 0isgusto could do any serious damage to the ship and the ?SS %ndestructible %% approached the starbase.

,sycho 0ave: HThe starbase is a smoldering ruin of melted metal.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: HShields.H @easly rusher: H% raise the shields.H

3e: H% try to contact the base.H El 0isgusto: H% scan the wreckage.H ,sycho 0ave: H2h it1s wreckage all right.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% get out of my chair and edge my way to the door to the turbolift.H

El 0isgusto: H% get ready to hurl myself at the captain1s chair.H ,sycho 0ave: H' /lingon vessel decloaks directly in front of you. The /lingon captain hails your vessel. H &roll dice* 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% get into the turbolift and get to the escape podsEH &roll dice* El 0isgusto: H% fling myself into the captain1s chairE @easly rusher: H0o starships have escape podsCH aptain onscreen.H aptain

3e: H% put the /lingon

,sycho 0ave: H"e introduces himself as /lingon Shickelgruber.H @easly rusher: H@hy is that name so familiarCH

El 0isgusto: H% tell him that % am aptain Fared Synn of the ?SS %ndestructible %% and that he had damn well better surrender to us lickety splitEH 3e: HAou want to say 1likety)split1 to a /lingonCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: H'm % at the escape pods yetCH ,sycho 0ave: H aptain Shickelgruber laughs at you. "is whole bridge crew laughs at you.H El 0isgusto: HT"'T 02ES %TE Time to show these guys % mean business. % whip out my phaser and kill the "elmsman.H

&roll dice, drop <aws* 3e: HAou whatCH El 0isgusto: H3y character says 1%f %1m cra4y enough to kill my own crew think of what % might do to youE1H @easly rusher: H.ut %1m the "elmsman...H

,sycho 0ave: H'ctually you1re smoldering atoms right now.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: HLook can % <ust put on a space suit and take my chances outsideCH @easly rusher: H0idn1t % even get a dodgeCH

El 0isgusto: H@here is your sense of realismC Aou don1t get a dodge when you get shot in the back.H ,sycho 0ave: HThe /lingons are laughing even harder now. They dare you to kill more of your crew.H El 0isgusto: H!ire phasersE 'nd ,hoton torpedoesEH ,sycho 0ave: HNothing happens.H El 0isgusto: H@hy the hell notCH 3e: H.ecause you <ust shot the "elmsman.H @easly rusher: H.ut % didn1t even get to dodge...H

El 0isgusto: H2h % see how it is. % move to the fire the weapons myself.H ,sycho 0ave: HToo late the /lingons fire all their weapons at you

destroying your ship in a ball of science fictional type hellfire.H El 0isgusto: HThis is all your fault 'b=EH ' moment later @easly ran from the room sobbing. Then ,sycho 0ave, frustrated at having two Star Trek campaigns destroyed by the same man grabbed the sai from his notebook and attacked El 0isgusto. 2l1 Aellowbelly crawled under ,sycho 0ave1s bed and then began shrieking at what he found there. Sighing to myself % grabbed the copy of osmo and flipped to the article about how to get thinner thighs in =$ days.'t this point some of you might wonder why % kept gaming with these guys when every game was a nightmare. @ell, % figured every game couldn1t be a disaster so % <ust kept playing the percentages.

RPG.)*T rant +$ 7hat %o 9ou 2ean 9ou :ost 2y 7ife(s 6idney;

originally posted to +,-.net on 7$)$P)#$$# $#:$7 '3: @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 ,E2,LE @"2 "'TE 2!! T2,% ,2ST%N-S, 0%G2+ EES, ,E2,LE 2N E+NE0 '.2?T -NS, ,E2,LE T"'T L%/E 2"E+ENT ST2+%ES 'N0 !%ST%N- ENT"?S%'STS &%1m feeling sentimental so this week1s tale is the story of my <ourney to !atherhood.* 'gain and again the doctors told my wife and % that there was little to no chance we would ever have children. %t was a blow to the wife of course, she loved kids and it was blow to me as well. Aou see ever since % had been eighteen % had dreamt of fatherhood. 3e: H% had the weirdest dream last night.H /id Snotrocket: H@as it the one about ,hoebe atesCH

3e: HNo % dreamt % had a baby.H /id Snotrocket: HAou dreamt you were pregnantCH 3e: HNoE % dreamt % had a little girl.H /id Snotrocket: H0amn you got issues....H 3e: HNot like thatE FesusEH @hich was odd because fatherhood had always seemed to me to be something that happened to other people. .y day if you asked me what % wanted % would have told you % wanted to be a writer) everything else was secondary..ut at night in my dreams it was a different matter. %n my dreams % had a daughter, dark eyed, tawny haired and full of smiles. %n my dreams a tiny hand held mine wherever % walked.% would wake to find myself possessed of a kind of aimless melancholy, a feeling of something missing or something lost. 'nd then in 7888 % got a call from my wife. +etail Napoleon: H'b= you1re la4y and useless and you1ve got a phone call. 3ake it snappyEH 3e: HSo what1s it like to be able to fuck a heerio and not break itCH

+etail Napoleon: HAou would do well not to taunt the awesome power of the 'ssistant 3anager.H 3e: H'ssistant 3anagerC %sn1t that the same thing as a cashier with keys to the storeCH +etail Napoleon: H-et your call and then get your toilet scrubbing gloves on smart guyEH &pick up phone* 3e: H"elloCH

3issus 'b=: H% <ust got back from the doctor and guess what... 0ad.H 3e: H0adCH 3aybe the doctors had all been wrong, maybe it was a miracle, maybe it was because we1d <ust visited 0isney1s 3agic /ingdom) % don1t know. 'll % do know is that despite the odds my wife was pregnant.Things began to move very Duickly once we found out. @e had been living in !lorida but we moved back to New Aork for reasons that were both familial and financial. The trip back was a nightmare. @e had no time to pack, no time to truly say good)bye to our friends. 3y best memory is my last evening with my old gaming group is a raucous evening watching T"EA 'LL 3E T+%N%TA and telling gaming stories. Ticking Time .omb: HAeah that sure was embarrassing.H .abe 3agnet: H.ut funny.H 3e: HAou know that would make a funny story. 2ther people should hear these.H .abe 3agnet: HAou couldn1t tell those stories.H 3e: HSure % could. % could <ust change all the names.H Ticking Time .omb: H%t wouldn1t be right.H 3e: H'w come on, % could <ust post them to some obscure ..S haunted by gamers, conspiracy theorists and se5ual deviants.H .abe 3agnet: HNo. %f you did that we1d have to track you down and kill you.H Ticking Time .omb: H/ill you real, real slow.H Leases were settled and <obs were Duit. Since we had believed we were going to be childless we had decided instead to get pets)lots of

pets. @e had # cats, an albino parakeet, # cockatiels and a sociopathic lovebird. Too many pets now that a baby was on the way so we decided to keep the cats but we tried to find good homes for all the birds. @e placed the cockatiels and parakeet easily, they were sweet animals and % miss them. The lovebird was another matter. ,otential .ird 2wner: H@hat a pretty little bird.H 3e: HAes her name is .ernice. %f you take her we will throw in the cage.H ,otential .ird 2wner: HLet me see if she will perch on my finger.H 3e: H%1m not sure we have time to ) Look outEH ,otential .ird 2wner: H3A N%,,LEE %EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH The long and short of it, we still have the damn bird.+ight before we left !lorida we got an ultrasound or two and found out the baby was actually further along than was originally suspected. @e also found out that % was going to have a daughter. % was at once stunned and ecstatic.@e rented a ?)"aul truck packed away our worldly goods &9 bo5es of clothes P$ bo5es of rpgs and books* and we left !lorida. The trip took a day and a half longer than it should have thanks to the ?) "aul truck breaking down every 7# hours or so. Two of my old friends hevy ordova and The @ild 2ne were there to help us make the trip. Three of us drove the .runomobile, my wife drove ?)"aul. .y the time 'lbany was in sight we were all ready to kill each other. hevy ordova: H,lease sweet Fesus let those be the lights of 'lbany up ahead.H 3e: H3y turn to pick the 0EH

The @ild 2ne: H"eyE The cat ate all the bottle rockets we got in South arolina.H

hevy ordova: H'b=, please do not put another Tom @aits that 0 player.H

0 into

3e: H"ey you1re the one that made us listen to the .est of Lynard Skynard twice.H hevy ordova: HLynard Skynard is classic rock, Tom @aits is <ust another way for you to re<ect the world.H The @ild 2ne: H"ey where is the ,od +acer toy from my happy mealCH 3e: H@e didn1t get a happy meal. The girl at the drive through <ust got all screwed up because you had that weird special order.H The @ild 2ne: HLook you get <elly with breakfast you should be able to get <elly with a .ig 3ac.H hevy ordova: H.esides the ,od +acer was buried in my fry bo5, it is rightfully mine.H 3e: H2/ you two knuckleheads % paid for that food, you ate and spilled it in my car. That ,od +acer belongs to me.H The @ild 2ne: H%t1s mineEH 3e: H3ineE -immieEH hevy ordova: H ovet not the ,od +acer oh balding oneEH

The @ild 2ne: H"ey maybe we should all calm down. @e1re tired and stressed and...H 3e: H%f you1re feeling froggy punk) try and <umpEH The @ild 2ne: H2h to "ell with this...H &Slapfight ensues* 3akes you wonder why my wife chose to make the entire drive by

herself in the ?)"aul. !inally we made it back to 'lbany. The baby was five months away, we lived with my wife1s parents while we searched for employment and apartments. The ne5t month was a di44ying whirlwind of baby showers, <ob interviews and uncomfortable reunions. %magine my surprise when % found out 0eviant .oy and El 0isgusto had gotten an apartment together... 3e: H@ell %1m back. "ey you guys have a nice place.H 0eviant .oy: HAeah it1s all %1ve got left since that bitch of a wife of mine took me to the cleaners.H 3e: H% didn1t know you got married.H 0eviant .oy: H@ell %1m not anymore.H @easly rusher: H@elcome back 'b=.H

heating .astard: HThere1s a face % never thought % would see again.H 3e: H-ood to see you guys.H @easly rusher: H"ow long has it beenCH

3e: H'lmost three years. @hat have you all been up toCH heating .astard: H"ave you accepted 'b=CH 3e: H0idn1t you used to be a shoplifterCH heating .astard: HAes % am a shoplifter but Fesus forgives me.H 3e: H%1m so glad for you.H @easly rusher: H heck it out he stole us a copy of game is so cool.H .iff .am: H% find that 'N0AL'N0. This hrist as your personal savior

a"Endyland is a bit too -amist for my

preferences.H @easly rusher: H're you insaneC 'N0AL'N0 is all about NarratavismE @ho will get to go to Bueen !rostine1s iceberg with all of it1s !reudian implicationsC 'nd aren1t the trials faced by a player in 3olasses Swamp similar to the ones Luke Skywalker in that cave on 0agobaCH heating .astard: H%mportant Duestions one and all but more importantly have 'b= accepted Fesus hrist as your personal saviorC +emember there is no saving throw against eternal damnation.H 3e: H0id % mention %1m going to be a fatherC 3y wife is going to have a little girl.H 0eviant .oy: H.abiesE Fust another evil plot by women to soak men for moneyEH @easly rusher: H2ne of my characters had a baby once. % shudder at the memory.H .iff .am: H@as it a Simumationist chiL,dbirthCH heating .astard: H'nd what about your childC "ave you told your child about the loving grace of FesusCH 3e: H.ecause she isn1t born yetCH heating .astard: HThat1s not an e5cuse. %f that baby doesn1t accept the loving grace of Fesus hrist then she will be cast into "ell to burn in the cleansing fires of eternity.H 3e: HAou know % liked you better when you worshipped cs 3c racken .H 0eviant .oy: H"ellC 0on1t talk to me about "ell) % was married to SatanEH 3e: H"eh) So where is El 0isgustoCH

@easly

rusher: H"e1s over there in the corner.H

3e: HThat1s El 0isgustoC % thought it was a life)si4e replica of Stephen "awking.H heating .astard: H"e gets that a lot.H 3e: H@hat1s with the %Gs and !oley bagC %s he sickCH 0eviant .oy: HNo but after his parents and their dog died in that freak .ounce "ouse accident he inherited tons of money.H 3e: H.ounce "ouseC @hat does this have to do with the shape he1s inCH 0eviant .oy: H2nce the checks cleared he got a huge , , cable modem, and EverDuest account and a nurse to change his bags and water him.H @easly one.H rusher: H"e1s abandoned his real life in favor of his online

.iff .am: H"e1s happier that w3ay.H El 0isgusto: H...everDuest good...H @easly rusher: H'nother gamer lost to the Simumlationist gratification of EverDuest.H .iff .am: H% see EverDuest as more of a strict -amist environment.H El 0isgusto: H...narativism immersive....H 3e: H an1t we talk about Fesus insteadCH 0eviant .oy: H.ut enough about how one vindictive woman has ruined my life and credit. % hear you got yourself publishedEH 3e: HAes % did. % have a series of 4ombie short stories appearing in the role playing game 'll !lesh 3ust .e Eaten.H

.iff .am: H% thought you said you got publishedCH 3e: H% did, in the role playing game)H El 0isgusto: H...gaming fiction does not count...does not count...H 3e: HAes it does. %t1s in print.H 0eviant .oy: HNo one reads gaming fiction. The blow right past it) <ust like the dialogue in a porn film.H @easly rusher: H,orn films have dialogueCH

.iff .am: HEveryone knowEs -aming fiction blows. The first Torg novel was so bad it gave me hys%'terical blindness.H 0eviant .oy: H% am very disappointed in you 'b=.H heating .astard: H@ell don1t feel so bad at least you didn1t sell your work to Eden Studios.H .iff .am: HAeah, if you%N did work for those creeps we would have to choice but to ki"Ell you. /ill you realL slow.H El 0isgusto: H...kill you real real slow...H 'nd they say you can1t home again.The missus and % found an apartment that was the best we could afford considering our pulveri4ed finances. @e ended up in a neighborhood where every night seemed to be a dress rehearsal for 2,S. 2ur landlord was either the la4iest, dumbest or evilest human being % had ever met but % stayed clear of him because he had the e5act same name as one of my old 0J0 characters and % was frightened. % remember the day after we finished setting up the baby1s room raw sewage had begun leaking from the ceiling. 'pparently our landlordLmaintenance man had wandered off in the middle of repairing a leaky toilet.+egardless we got by, we made a crappy apartment into a nice one. @ell actually my wife did all the decorating, my contributions were limited to things like

this: 3issus 'b=: H@hich paint do you like betterC .eige or puceCH 3e: HEither or.H 3issus 'b=: H@ould you please help me decide hereCH 3e: HSweetheart, % really don1t mind either way. Aou have better taste when it comes to colors.H 3issus 'b=: H"oney % value your opinion, we have to make these decisions or what1s the pointCH 3e: H2h all right. "mmmm % think % prefer the beige.H 3issus 'b=: H2h no beige would never match the drapes at all. % think puce is better.H 3e: H3y work here is done.H 3y wife went into labor on the day she was to go to the hospital to have labor induced. ' night of labor and four hours of pushing later we still had no baby. ,eople were coming and going all the time. 0o4ens of people were looking at my wife1s private parts) % was starting to understand how Tommy Lee Fones must have felt. The 0octors and the nurses started to look more and more concerned and % started to get more and more worried as the contractions continued and still no baby.!inally they decided they were going to have to perform a cesarean section. Everything seemed to be happening way to fast and in slow motion at the same time. The wheeled her into the 2+ and had me wait outside with an odd)looking orderly. "e was supposed to keep me distracted and calm while they prepped my wife, he ended up freaking me out more then he ever knew. 2rderly: HFust be sure to keep your cool when they send you in there your wife1s going to need you to be calm for her.H

3e: H2/... 2/...H 2rderly: H% learned to keep calm in the navy, % served on a nuclear submarine.H 3e: H@hatCH 2rderly: HAeah we1d go under the water for months at a time. Aou1d be surprised how much stuff they have stowed away down there.H 3e: HAou1re not a nin<a are youCH !inally they let me in the room, my wife was laid out on the table, a partition keeping me from seeing the work the doctors were doing on her. The air was rank with the scent of medicines and sterili4ing alcohol but beneath that there was this sharp, fleshy odor % knew to be the scent of blood.The anesthetics they had used on my wife left her Duaking uncontrollably. % held her hand and told her how much % loved her and how brave she was. % looked up once only to notice that % could see my wife1s insides reflected in the doctor1s glasses.Things began to take so long that my wife1s anesthetics began to wear off. !inally % got fed up and got one of the attention of a nurse. 3e: H@hat the "ell is going on hereC @hy is this taking so longC She1s having a baby not playing a game of hampions.H Nurse: H@hatCH 3e: HEr... what1s going onCH Nurse: H@ell the baby has become lodged in the birth canal, the doctor can1t seem to ease the baby out so we now have a nurse pushing from the other end trying to dislodge it.H 3e: HSo in the middle of surgery a nurse is fisting my wife.H Nurse: H%n a manner of speaking.H

3e: H0oes my insurance cover thisCH ' few minutes later another 0octor brushed past me carrying a glistening bundle of pink with a mop of dark hair. %n the movies the baby flails and cries when it1s born.3y daughter was doing neither. 'nd the doctors were still flitting about my wife: re)anesti4ing her calling in other doctors.% watched them assault my daughter with tubes, %G1s in her veins and a tube down her throat to clear out the 3econium that was choking her. That got my little once screaming.The reality of what was happening made me di44y. % felt like % wanted to laugh weep and throw up all at once. 3any women had said they felt the same way after seeing me naked.The urge to hold that little dream come true of mine was incredible but before % could do anything they placed her on a gurney and rolled her out of the room. 3y wife of course was getting frantic wanting to know why they wouldn1t let her see her baby. % tried to calm her down but after another 0octor showed up % started to feel a little frantic. @hen % spoke to him % began to reali4e what was going on. 3e: H@hat do you mean you can1t find my wife1s kidneyCH 0octor: H%t1s not that we lost it, it may have gotten severed during the cesarean section, or perhaps it was merely shifted around during the delivery. ,erhaps your wife is one of those rare people born with only one kidney.H 3e: HAeah she1s one in a million. So what happens nowCH 0octor: H@e are going to close up now and wheel your wife on down to get her a 'T scan, we should be able to get a better picture of what1s going on and decide we can do from there.H 3e: H% don1t believe this.H Nurse: H@hile we take care of her why don1t you go look in on your daughter.H

3e: H@here is sheCH Nurse: H's a precaution she was taken to the prenatal intensive care ward.H 3e: H2h my -od.H Nurse: H0on1t worry, your insurance covers this.H %t was odd but at this moment % was reminded of a <oke %1d been telling for years. %t was about a man who goes to the hospital to find out his baby has been born deformed. @hen they hand him the kid he sees that it1s <ust a # foot long eyeball in a diaper.The guy shrieks H3y -od what could be worseCH 'nd the 0octor says H"e1s blind.H @hen % entered the prenatal intensive care ward that <oke lost a little of it1s edge. % found my daughter in the corner, they were still working on her, she was bawling her head off. The nurses told me they couldn1t believe how tall she was and that they were sure she was going to be all right once the observation period was over. % looked at her, got my first clear look at her then and) % still don1t have the words to convey what % felt. Let1s <ust say a lot of things that had once seemed pretty damn important to me stopped having any meaning whatsoever.3y wife1s parents showed up a little while later and were as smitten as % was. None of us, family member or nurse could get her to stop caterwauling.?ntil my wife showed up of course. They wheeled her in on a gurney, she was e5hausted and tearful and %1m not sure but % think my little girl started to Duiet down at the very sound of her voice. 'fterwards they rolled my wife to her room and put my child in a crib festooned with monitors. 3y %n Laws walked me to my car. !ather %n Law: H@ell everything turned out all right.H 3other %n Law: HSuch a beautiful baby. Aou1ll make a wonderful father.H

!ather %n Law: H.ut % think one child is enough. This nearly kill your wife.H 3e: H@ell we hadn1t made any plans one way or the other and this one was kind of a surprise)H 3other %n Law: HLook. Aou put my daughter through this again and we1ll kill you.H !ather %n Law: H/ill you real real)H 3e: H% get the pictureEH % came home to a dark apartment and frantic cats. % fed the cats and noticed the lovebird eyeing me. % didn1t even reali4e % was crying again until that moment. .ernice: H,2)tweetCH 3e: H"ey there little bird. %t1s been Duite a day hasn1t itC ,erch on my finger like you used to.H .ernice: H,2)tweetCH 3e: HAeah she had the baby and it was <ust like % imagined and nothing like % imagined. Shit % never even thought %1d get married. Now this is the first time my wife and % have been apart in years. % don1t even know if %1ll be able to sleep.H .ernice: H,2)tweet.H 3e: HAou know % forgot to ask if the found my wife1s kidney. @hat more could go wrong todayCH .ernice: H,2)tweet.H 3e: H-o on then. Aou know you want to.H ome on out.

.ernice: H,2)tweetEH 3e: H3A N%,,LEEEEEEEEEEH &.ack to the rpg stuff ne5t week % promiseE*

RPG.)*T rant +< )ever :eave 9our )ads Behind originally posted to +,-.net on 7$)7#)#$$# 7$:>= ,3: @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 2@NE+S 2! N'0S, "E'GA 0+%N/E+S, "?3'N2%0S !+23 T"E 0EE, 'N0 'NA2NE T"'T EGE+ 2@NE0 ' 2,A 2! L2+0S 2! +E'T%2N. 'llow me to set the stage for you. "ave you ever seen the cartoon .eauty and The .eastC +emember the .east1s library with shelf after shelf of booksC @ell, imagine that place but instead of books there1s nothing but shelf after shelf of pornography. That is what 0eviant .oy1s apartment was like. 2f course now that he was living with his girlfriend, 'senath Summerisle, so % e5pected some changes. The game he had planned to run was L2+0S 2! +E'T%2N, it seemed that it was a rite of passage in 'lbany. Everyone had to try and run the game at least once. El 0isgusto had refused to come claiming that being near 'senath1s misshapen arm made him all Dueasy. This from a man that eats fro4en fishsticks out of the bo5. So it was <ust me, ,sycho 0ave, the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound and @easly rusher) 'senath would be playing with us as well. 2nce again % had assumed a

woman1s touch would change the tone of the games we were playing. % envisioned a game where innocent halflings were not set on fire and used as shields.

0eviant .oy: HAou guys are late.H 3e: HThat1s because someone insisted on making mi5ed drinks while % drove.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H% can1t game without "arvey @allbangerEH @easly rusher: H@ell at least your car is disinfected.H

3e: H3y car was never infected.H ,sycho 0ave: H"ey % <ust noticed you have curtains.H 0eviant .oy: H'nd plants.H 3e: H0oesn1t your sweetheart mind all this smut you have lying aroundCH 0eviant .oy: H3y lady is very liberal minded. Gery liberal minded.H

't that moment 'senath stepped into the living room, if % haven1t said it before let me say it now that she was a very pretty girl) flipper arm or not. Still though, pretty girl or not, the outfit she wore was a bit much. %t was like a "entai fashion nightmare, part schoolgirl outfit, part leatherwear.

'senath: H're we ready to gameCH 3e: H@e all rolled up characters beforehand.H

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H% made margaritasEH @easly rusher: H% can1t believe we1re playing this game again.H

0eviant .oy: H@ell this time it will be different.H 3e: H0ifferent does not mean better.H 'senath: H@ell the system looks interesting, % like how you can go from being a total weakling to a god.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H@e don1t usually get that far. ?sually El 0isgusto does something to wreck the game.H @easly rusher: H%1m kind of glad he isn1t here.H

,sycho 0ave: HSo 'senath, what other systems have you playedCH 'senath: H@ell %1ve played 0J0, G'3,%+E T"E 3'SB?E+'0E.H "%LL, a little +2.2TE " and % love

3e: H%1ve been trying to get these guys to try that game out.H ,sycho 0ave: H% will never ever play that game.H 'senath: H@hy notCH ,sycho 0ave: H%t1s a big rip)off, none of the stuff in that rulebook is original.H 0eviant .oy: H%s this an 'nne +ice thingC 'nne +ice didn1t create the vampire genre.H ,sycho 0ave: H%t1s not an 'nne +ice thing.H 3e: HThen who are they ripping offCH

,sycho 0ave: H-%L%-'N1S %SL'N0.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H'nne +ice ripped off -%LL%-'N1S %SL'N0CH @easly rusher: H@hat are you talking aboutCH

,sycho 0ave: HLook it1s so obvious that G'3,%+E rips off -%L%-'N1S %SL'N0 that most stupid people don1t notice it. Let me e5plain. 2/ first there are the clans: the Gentrue is based on 3r. "owell, the Nosferatu his wife Lovey, -inger is the Toreador, 3ary)'nn is the -angrel, the ,rofessor is the Tremere, Skipper is the .ru<ah and of course -illigan is a 3alkavian. The %sland that traps them and protects them is the 3asDuerade. SeeC %t1s a total rip)offEH 'senath: H?hhhhh.....H 3e: HThat1s almost as bad as his 1Teletubbies +ipped off thulhu1 rant.H all of

'fter that the game began. %t was a simple premise really we were college students on a cross country road trip. 0eviant .oy let us role) play for an hour or so, letting us get used to each other and our characters. 'senath wasn1t bad at all as a role player, the two things % found unnerving about her was that she never seemed to blink and that she was pretty much making out with the -3 all the while we played.

0eviant .oy: H2k you1re running low on gas, there is a filling station up ahead.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H-ood % gotta pee.H 0eviant .oy: H-reat roleplaying.H

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: HNo % mean % really gotta pee, where is your facilityCH 'senath: H0own the hall, the bathroom door has an autographed poster of hristy anyon on it.H @easly rusher: H@ho1s hristy anyonC %s she a superheroCH

0eviant .oy: H/inda.H 'senath: H@ell since my character1s driving %1ll pull into the filling station and start gassing up.H 3e: H3y character gets out of the car to stretch his legs.H ,sycho 0ave: H3y character gets out of the car, locks himself in the men1s room and cradles the femur bone he carries with him for luck.H 3e: H@ow.H @easly rusher: H3y character goes and looks around.H

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H%1m back what did % missCH 0eviant .oy: HAou1re <ust in time for the meteor crash.H @easly rusher: HThat1s funny it sounded like you said a meteor was going to crash into the gas station.H 0eviant .oy: H+oll to dodge.H

Needless to say no one dodged the meteor, or the subseDuent fireball. % began to wonder if this wasn1t some kind of revenge for the 1nin<a motorcycle1 incident. 0eviant .oy e5cused himself to go and get us some refreshments. "e took his game notes with him.

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H%1m all out of vodka. @ho1s been drinking my vodkaCH @easly rusher: HAou.H

,sycho 0ave: HSoon as % find out how much damage % took %1m gonna find out who threw a meteor at me and fuck them up.H 3e: H0ream that little dream.H 'senath: HThis is so much fun. %t so great to be playing with you guys after all the stories %1ve heard.H 3e: H%f you1d heard all the stories about us you wouldn1t be playing.H 'senath: HAou1re funnyE %t1s hard to believe you haven1t had a date in four years.H

2ne of the great things about being a writer is your can revisit those moments when you were struck speechless and finally have some good comebacks. Sadly % still don1t have the slightest idea what to say after a slam like that. Thankfully 'senath e5cused herself to go see what was taking 0eviant .oy so long with the popcorn. @hen the returned with sodas and snacks they were both out of breath and their skin was flushed.

0eviant .oy: H2k now where were weCH The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H@e all died.H 0eviant .oy: HNo you didn1t. 's % said there is a blinding flash and then each of you wakes up in a separate location. .oo4ehound, you wake up in a dark container, feeling groggy and achy.H

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H% hear you.H 0eviant .oy: H@hat do you want to doCH The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H% try to escape.H 0eviant .oy: H3ake a roll for it.H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H% knew % forgot somethingE %1ll be right back.H

@e watched him stagger out the door to my car. % hadn1t left the doors unlocked so % was sure he would be back soon. @ith him gone 0eviant .oy turned his attention to @easly rusher.

0eviant .oy: H2k @easly you wake up, but you can1t move. ' night light is shining directly in your eyes.H @easly rusher: H an % speakCH

0eviant .oy: HNo.H @easly rusher: H an % see who1s doing this to meCH

0eviant .oy: HAou notice that these figures are very vague and nondescript. They1re humanoid yet alien. They1re short but tall, thin but fat. ,erhaps your character would notice more if he weren1t blinded by pain.H @easly rusher: H,ainCH

0eviant .oy: HThey are using some kind of laser device to sheer off your body hair and genitals.H @easly rusher: H@"'TC 'm % bleeding to deathCH

0eviant .oy: HNo the wounds are oddly bloodless.H @easly rusher: H an1t % do anythingC an1t % say anythingCH

0eviant .oy: HNo you are helpless as you see them put your hair and reproductive parts into a plastic bag and vacuum seal itCH @easly rusher: HThey put my N'0S in a .'--%ECH

0eviant .oy: H@hen this is done they leave the room. They speak of something that sounds a bit like a coffee break but not Duite.H @easly rusher: H'nd they <ust leave me there all shivering and nadlessCH 0eviant .oy: HThat they do. Slowly your character begins to regain movement. "e manages to fling his body off the operating table.H @easly rusher: H an % figure out how all this stuff worksC

0eviant .oy: HNo it1s in a vague alien language.H @easly rusher: HThen % grab my nads and run.H

0eviant .oy: H3eanwhile, ,sycho 0ave your character wakes up in a four poster bed covered with silken Duilts.H ,sycho 0ave: H% didn1t think they made silken Duilts.H 0eviant .oy: H'll the more reason to suspect alien involvement.H ,sycho 0ave: H3y character gets out of bed and looks around the room.H 0eviant .oy: H2k your character swings his stubby legs out of the bed and hops down to the floor. Aou notice that everything seems smaller.H

,sycho 0ave: H@here is my character1s femur boneC "is garroteC "is bag of <elly babiesCH 0eviant .oy: H'll you have is the blue sailor suit you1re wearing.H ,sycho 0ave: H@ait a minute. %1ve been turned into boy in a sailor suitCH 0eviant .oy: HAes.H 3e: H@hat kind of game is thisCH 'senath: H-ive it a chance guys.H @easly rusher: H@hat about nadsC 0oes he have his nadsCH

0eviant .oy: HAes. The child1s portion but yes.H @easly rusher: H0amnitEH

,sycho 0ave: H% am not wearing a sailor suit damn youE % rip off the sailor suit and go to the closet.H 0eviant .oy: HAou do4ens of tiny blue sailor suits hanging there waiting for you.H ,sycho 0ave: H!ine % walk naked out of the room and ask who % have to piss on to get a trenchcoat and a <ockstrap.H 0eviant .oy: H'll right but before we see what happens let1s switch over to 'b=.H @easly rusher: H@hat about my nadsCH

0eviant .oy: H'b= your character awakens to the scent of manure.H

3e: H@ell % suppose it could be worse.H 0eviant .oy: HLooking down at yourself you can see that your body now looks like this.H

't this point 0eviant .oy passed around a copy of S,'N/%NLES.%'NS maga4ine and pointed to a particular model. %t was this moment that gave me one of my greatest gaming vows)never play in a rpg run by someone that considers "?3'N2%0S !+23 T"E 0EE, a love story.

3e: HSo %1m a girl.H ,sycho 0ave: H%1ve been saying that for years.H 3e: H"eyEH @easly rusher: H"e1s not <ust a girl, he1s a hottie. %1d push my grandma down the stairs for a chance with a hottie like him.H 3e: H% hope you have cab fare home +omeo.H 0eviant .oy: HAour character looks out the windows and sees that she1s) 3e: H"e1s)H 0eviant .oy: H)in a cabin on an alien world. Twin suns bla4e over the mountains of dung and machinery that surround you.H 3e: HSo let me recap. 3y character has had his)H 0eviant .oy: H"er)H 3e: Hgender changed and is now being held prisoner on an alien

manure farmCH 0eviant .oy: H3aybe not a prisoner, as your character looks down over the supple curves of her body she sees a wedding ring on her elegantly manicured finger.H 3e: H heck pleaseEH 0eviant .oy: HNow my dear we turn our attention to you.H 'senath: H?h)oh.H 0eviant .oy: HAour character wakes up lying on a glowing white slab, she is bathed in warmth. Tall, angelic like beings dote on you.H 'senath: H an % moveCH 0eviant .oy: HAour character sits up and the beings waiting on you smile and they begin to whisper to you with their minds. They call you 1The hosen 2ne1.H

The plot fell into place fairly Duickly. 'liens from a nondescript dimension had kidnapped us using a teleporting meteor bomb. These aliens used human slave labor for all their most disgusting attacks, these aliens also found human women to be the most desirable in the gala5y. The only problem was that the teleporting meteor bombs were 88.89R fatal to women, so these aliens decided that the best course of action was to turn select human males into females. This was why my character was now sporting killer gams and @easly rusher was a hairless gelding. ,sycho 0ave1s character had been regressed to childhood because human children were popular pets. .ecause 'senath1s character had survived the teleporting meteor bomb she had been taken in by a cadre of space angels opposed to

the vaguely alien slavery. They told her that she was the 1 hosen 2ne1 and began preparing her to free the human captives.

0eviant .oy: H...and then they give you a sword fueled with stellar energy. The scabbard fits neatly onto your winged space angel armor. 's you walk through the space cathedral to your spaceship each of the angel bows to you and gives you a mystical talisman.H 'senath: HThis is S2 cool honey.H 3e: H?h, % don1t mean to complain but it1s been an hour...H 0eviant .oy: H2h %1m sorry. @here did we leave your character 'b=CH 3e: H?h, my honeymoonCH 0eviant .oy: H'h yes. Aour husband locks the door behind him and undresses, his crowded groin pulses wantonly.H 3e: H3y character <umps out the window.H 0eviant .oy: HThe moat of raw sewage breaks your fall.H ,sycho 0ave: HTaste the adventure 'b=EH 3e: HAou wanna taste bloodCH 'senath: H@ill my character be able to bring her telepathic rottweilers with her into spaceCH 0eviant .oy: H2f course.H @easly rusher: HSpeaking of dogs, has my character eluded his captorsCH 0eviant .oy: HAou can still hear the space bloodhounds barking, they

seem to be getting closer. 0on1t forget you are at the edge of a cliff.H @easly rusher: H2k % climb down the cliff face.H

0eviant .oy: HThere will be significant penalties for doing it one handed.H @easly rusher: H.ut it1s <ust a little baggieEH

0eviant .oy: HSorry.H @easly rusher: H!ine, % stuff my nads into my mouth and start climbing.H 3e: HThere1s a mental image that will haunt me on my deathbed.H 'senath: H3y ship takes the lead and % lead the space angel fleet to the vague dimensionEH ,sycho 0ave: H% tear off my sailor suit and try to escape.H &3uch dice rolling and cursing later* 0eviant .oy: H2nce again the headmaster catches you and gives your bottom a vicious spanking.H @easly rusher: H% wish El 0isgusto was here. "e would have ruined the game by now.H 3e: H"ey, where is the 'ma4ing .oo4ehoundCH

't this moment we saw the flashing lights. @e all ran outside, some of us eager to leave the game, some of us disappointed. @e found the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound sitting in the back of a police car) he was pasty and covered with dirt and vomit. "e kept pressing his face against the police car window and reciting dialogue from ST'+ T+E/ movies.

,oliceman 7: HNear as we can figure he wandered off got lost and showed up at the 0enny1s over on @olf +oad.H ,oliceman #: H"e was hallucinating he kept running through the hedges around the restaurant shouting 1Look at me %1m a rangerE1H The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H... % never took the /obayashi 3aru test. @hat did you think of my solutionCH 3e: H2ur friend may have had a bit too much to drink tonight and)H ,sycho 0ave: H"mm boy % sure do love bacon sandwichesEH @easly rusher: H ut it outEH

3e: H'nd we1ll bring him home and let him sleep it off if you will let us.H ,sycho 0ave: H"mmmm bacon 'N0 lettuce.H @easly rusher: H're you out of your mindCH

,oliceman 7: H% don1t know he was acting kind of odd, and he had these weird shaped dice.H ,oliceman #: HThe kind of dice associated with the occult.H 0eviant .oy: HNo. @e were <ust playing a role playing game.H ,oliceman 7: H%1ve heard about those. 'ren1t those the kinds of games serial killers playCH ,sycho 0ave: HNo that1s @easly andyland.H

rusher: H0on1t do thatEH

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: H...Aou have been and always shall be) my friend.H ,oliceman 7: H% don1t know a lot about these roll)games. an you e5plain to me what the game you were playing was aboutCH 3e: H3aybe you should <ust arrest us now.H

'nother narrow escape, another failed campaign. % wasn1t even upset that 0eviant .oy1s game had been nothing more than an ego stroke for his sweetheart, that she got to play hero while the rest of us swam through raw sewage while being chased by vaguely alien se5 slavers. @hen on the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound threw up in my car on the ride home)then % was angry.

RPG.)*T rant +10 %eath By Thumbs

originally posted to +,-.net on 7$)78)#$$# $O:7O ,3: @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 !'NS 2! 0J0, ,E2,LE !2+ T"E ET"% 'L T+E'T3ENT 2! /2.2L0S, -'+A -A-'(, STEGE F' /S2N 2+ 32+0)S%T"S. 2ur campaigns tended to e5plode right there on the launching pad, they littered our past the way that failed -ene +oddenberry pilots used to litter Saturday afternoon cable television in the 789$s. Sometimes however a game would endure, they would never last long but as far as % was concerned any campaign that lasted longer than # sessions was a victory. So %1m sure you can appreciate my surprise when % found the 0J0 game % was running reached its second month.

@e waited in El 0igusto1s basement for the last of our group to arrive. 3e: H0eviant .oy and 'senath should have been here twenty minutes ago.H El 0isgusto: HSo let1s start without them. @hat do we need a @i4ard and a leric forC %1m a Nin<aEH @easly rusher: H% don1t like 'senath. % don1t think she respects him.H

,sycho 0ave: H@hat do you meanCH @easly rusher: H+emember that one time % role played a female character and my character hooked up with 0eviant .oy1s characterC % was a way better girlfriend to him in game then she is in real life.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H@ow.H @easly rusher: HTell me %1m wrong.H

3e: H% couldn1t even begin to tell you how wrong what you <ust said is.H ,sycho 0ave: H@ell that little lady has one thing you never will @easly.H @easly rusher: H@hat1s thatCH

,sycho 0ave: H' vagina.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H-irls can be scary. Aou don1t know how lucky you are to be celibate 'b=.H 3e &Through gritted teeth*: H% am not celibate on ,?+,2SE.H ,sycho 0ave: HAou1re stuck in the -yga5 orollary you poor bastard.H

3e: HThe -yga5

orollaryC @hat the "ell is thatCH

,sycho 0ave: HThe -yga5 orollary states that every time a role player1s character gets laid it delays the player of that character getting laid by d7$$ weeks.H 3e: H@hatCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: H@ho rolls the d7$$CH El 0isgusto: H0oes the rule apply to anadian womenCH

,sycho 0ave: HTo ask Duestions like that is to risk madness.H @easly rusher: H% thought that was the urse of Steve Fackson.H

!inally 'senath and 0eviant .oy showed up and we started playing. They1d spent weeks trying to find the location of the Lost 0ungeon of Nasty 0oom, then they1d spent another week or two trying to get the money and eDuipment to finance the e5pedition. 3e: HThe entrance to the lost 0ungeon of Nasty 0oom is easily visible because of all the bones of dead adventurers piled outside.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% rummage through the corpses for treasure.H El 0isgusto: H3y nin<a does eight backflips to the dungeon entrance and then blends in with the shadows.H 3e: H%ts the middle of the afternoon.H El 0isgusto: HThere are shadows in the afternoonE 0on1t you know anythingCH @easly rusher: H3y fighter)illusionist)bard draws his weapon and makes his way to the dungeon entrance.H

'senath: H3y cleric freshens up her make up and then goes to <oin him.H El 0isgusto: H% still think its bogus that your cleric wears fishnet stockings, make)up and a leather mini skirt. This is supposed to be 0J0 not some wierd)ass bondage fantasyEH 'senath: H2bviously you1ve never read @%I'+01S !%+ST +?LE.H ,sycho 0ave: H3y 'nti),aladin pulls the shrunken heads of his enemies from his bad of holding and whispers to them.H 0eviant .oy: H3y wi4ard draws his @and of @onder. ha) hinkEEH

Buick note about that. Two sessions earlier 0eviant .oy1s wi4ard had found a @and of @onder, it was now his magic item of choice. !or some reason he believed that a @and of @onder made the e5act same sound as a shotgun chambering a round. 3e: HAellowbelly, you find that the bones have been picked clean. Sorry. The rest of you secure the entrance to the dungeon.H El 0isgusto: H+ight let1s set up out marching order and make our way the chamber with the -emstone of 3ac-uffin.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H.ut to do that we have to go through the Satanic .ats.H hamber of

El 0isgusto: H@hat is it with youC 0oes every character you play have to be soaked in his own urineCH ,sycho 0ave: H% wouldn1t talk about urine 3ountain 0ew boy.H El 0isgusto: HThree words for you 3ister 3an... Stick. 2f. ,ain.H

,sycho 0ave: HTwo additional words for you... 'nal. %nsertion.H 3e: H'll right, can % have marching order pleaseCH ,sycho 0ave: H3y character takes point.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% stay in back.H ,sycho 0ave: HAou1re a fighter, fighters don1t stay in back.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H@hat if were attacked from behind thenCH @easly rusher: H% take second in marching order. 3y character gets out his lute and strums a hopeful tune. 0o % get e5tra (, for not actually singingCH 3e: H-od yes.H 0eviant .oy: H% go ne5t, my @and of @onder is primed.H 'senath: H%1ll say it is.H 3e: H@e are not going there.H 'senath: H.ut can % say one thingC @hy are we going to get this -emC %t has no value to any of us.H El 0isgusto: HThe guy that gave us the cash to finance this e5pedition wants it.H 'senath: HScrew him. % say we go and find the .lade of -ory Everyone knows it1s in the dungeon here.H leaving.

El 0isgusto: H% say we go for the -emstone of 3ac-uffin and whatever the nin<a says goes.H @easly rusher: H@hy should we let you boss us aroundCH

El 0isgusto: HTo e5plain why my nin<a kills @easly1s character with his thumbs.H &' great rolling of dice, an even greater gnashing of teeth* @easly rusher: HAou killed my character...H

El 0isgusto: H'yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyEH @easly rusher: H...with your thumbs.H

El 0isgusto: H'yyyyyyyyyyyyyyEH 3e: HStop doing impressions of the !on4. %t1s <ust mean.H El 0isgusto: H'yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyEH @easly rusher: H an anyone resurrect my characterCH

'senath: HSorry, % can1t Duite do that yet.H El 0isgusto: HThen % guess your body will deca'yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyEH @easly rusher: HBuit itEH

El 0isgusto: H'aayyyyyyyyyyyyyyEH 3e: HLook % mean it 0isgusto.H El 0isgusto: HSorry got a little carried away there.H 3e: H0amn right you did.H El 0isgusto: H.ut % give his character1s death two big thumbs upE ''AAAAAAAAAEH

"is eyes brimming with tears @easly rusher ran from the gaming table. @hile there is no dignified way to run crying from the gaming table, @easly1s was particularly ignominious because on the way out he tripped over El 0isgusto1s dog Lamont.

0eviant .oy: H0amn is that dog still aliveCH El 0isgusto: HAeah, my parents spent what was going to be my college money and operations for it.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H2wchEH El 0isgusto: H"arvard was a stupid school anyway, no gaming scene at all.H 3e: HSo %1ll <ust remove @easly1s character from the marching order.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H+emove me too. 3y character will stay behind and guard the fighter)illusionist)bard corpse.H 3e: H@hatCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: H@ell someone1s got to. This is good role)playing.H 3e: HSo you as a player are <ust going to sit there, while we game for a few hours so your character can sit Shiva over another character he barely spoke to.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H@e said good morning.H ,sycho 0ave: HTechnically no one spoke to @easly1s character all that much.H

Somehow % managed to get four of the five characters into the

0ungeon, that was a victory % suppose. .ut after the first few combats things started to fall apart.

El 0isgusto: H% say 1Eat Nin<a 0eath1 as % kill the last /obold.H 3e: H@ell congrats. Not a single /obold baby remains alive.H ,sycho 0ave: HThe 0ark -ods will be pleased.H 'senath: HThank -od %1m haotic Neutral.H

0eviant .oy: H@e should have kept one alive so we could ask them where the .lade of -ory leaving is.H El 0isgusto: H@e aren1t here for the damn blade we are here for the -emstone of 3ac-uffin. 0on1t make me whip my thumbs outEH 0eviant .oy: H%1ve had enough of this. 3y wi4ard readies his @and of @onder) ha)chink ) and heads out on his own.H 3e: HE5cuse meCH 0eviant .oy: H%1m Eighth Level, % don1t need them.H 'senath: HSounds good. % follow the wi4ard and his big wand.H 3e: HStop going thereEH ,sycho 0ave: HThese guys are soft. %n head for the ne5t room in the dungeon.H El 0isgusto: H!ineE % make my way for the -emstone.H 3e: H@hatever happened to party loyaltyCH

2l1 Aellowbelly: H% loot the fighter)illusionist)bard1s body.H

Like all great bands the party of adventurers had broken up. ,erhaps it was the loss of @easly, their collective loathing of his character may have been the spackle that kept the party from cracking. ,erhaps it was because they were no longer first level character fighting to keep from being killed my orcs, molds and 4ombie cows.

3e: H2/ you walk into the room and see a group of "obgoblins sharpening their weapons.H ,sycho 0ave: H% flash my talisman of the 0ark -ods and order them to bow down to the might of '4athoth.H 3e: HThey bow before you.H ,sycho 0ave: HThen % behead them.H 3e: H3eanwhile our intrepid duo are still making their way through the dungeon. Aou find an oak door blocking your way.H 0eviant .oy: H% tell the cleric to stand back and % give the door a full blast with the @and of @onder. ha) hinkEH &dice are rolled* 3e: H' stream of butterflies hits the door.H 'senath: H% check to see if the door is locked.H 3e: H%t isn1t.H 0eviant .oy: H@e head inside.H

3e: H'nd El 0isgusto, your nin<a finds the dreaded .ats.H

hamber of Satanic

El 0isgusto: H%1m skulking do you hear meC SkulkingEH 3e: H@ell the bats haven1t noticed you, they appear to be sleeping.H El 0isgusto: H% creep silently into the chamber.H 3e: H@hen you do your shoe sinks about seven inches into cold bat guano.H 'senath: HEwwwwwEH 3e: H,sycho 0ave, what does your character do ne5tCH ,sycho 0ave: H% head to the ne5t room and order what ever % find there to bow down to me.H 3e: HThe ?mber "ulk you find does not seem very impressed.H ,sycho 0ave: H% draw my mighty blade 1!uckshaker1 and attackEH &dice are rolled* 3e: H' natural one, you missed.H ,sycho 0ave: H' fumble. -et the edged weapons fumble table.H 3e: H%1m not using rit or !umble tables.H

,sycho 0ave: H"ere use mine.H 3e: HAou carry copies of the 'rduin -rimmores around with youCH ,sycho 0ave: H% always want to be prepared in case %1m someplace and a role)playing game breaks out. Lets roll that fumble.H

3e: H2/ roll away.H &+olls are away* 3e: HAou1ve beheaded yourself.H ,sycho 0ave: HNow the head lives for a few seconds after its removed from the body, can % call upon my godCH 3e: HNo. Now turning to our wi4ard and cleric, make saving throws versus magic.H &fingers are unlaced so dice may be rolled* 0eviant .oy: H!ailed it. 'senath: HSame here.H 3e: HThe doorway to the room containing the .lade of -ory leaving has a teleport trap on it. .oth of you find yourselves in the center of a -elatinous ube.H 'senath: H2h.H 0eviant .oy: H@ell at least we1re together.H 3e: H'nd lastly you El 0isgusto. @hat does your nin<a doCH El 0isgusto: HNo way is my nin<a going through that crap.H 3e: HSo you1re leavingCH El 0isgusto: HNoE Aou think %1m stupidC .at guano is highly flammable. % throw my torch into the chamber.H 3e: H?hm, you do reali4e that this is a si5ty sDuare foot chamber that

has about half a foot of bat guano.H El 0isgusto: HAou can1t stand that %1ve outwitted you can youC % throw in my torch.H 3e: H!ine. The resulting e5plosion kills your character instantly.H El 0isgusto: H.ut %1m a nin<aEH 3e: HThe e5plosion also causes the 0ungeon of Nasty 0oom to collapse like a house of cards. /illing everything within it.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% knew itE % knew itE %1m alive. %1m aliveEH 3e: HAour character only lives a few seconds longer because when the dungeon collapses it creates a giant sinkhole that swallows up everything within the surrounding half mile.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: HThat sucks.H ,sycho 0ave: H@as '4athoth pleasedCH 0eviant .oy: H@hat a waste of our time.H 'senath: H@e didn1t accomplish anything.H 3e: H@ell, % hope you1ve all learned a valuable lesson here.H El 0isgusto: HAeah, never let 'b= run the game.H

RPG.)*T rant +11 )i"ht Of The a!ed adavers originally posted to +,-.net on 7$)#K)#$$# at $9:>9 ,3 @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 E+T'%N ,E2,LE @"2 "'GE

!EEL%N-S '.2?T

E+T'%N T"%N-S

% love super hero role playing games as much as the ne5t pasty) skinned gamer guy, %1ve tried all the systems from Super"ero #$PP to -odlike. ,sycho 0ave was a big fan of the 3arvel Super "eroes game and when he got his hands on the ?LT%3'TE ,2@E+S book he felt that he was finally ready to run what he called his 1Gision for the 3arvel ?niverse1.Sadly % had forgotten that the ma<ority of ,sycho 0ave1s visions were caused by drinking cleaning products. There was <ust the three of us playing, heating .astard, El 0isgusto and myself. @e were all over at ,sycho 0ave1s, he didn1t have a lot of furniture so we sat on the bare living room floor. % couldn1t help but noticed the photograph signed by @illiam Shatner) it said 10ear 0ave, Stop following meE1

heating .astard: H...and that1s how .iff .am got thrown out of the -en on tournament.H El 0isgusto: H"e was so robbed.H 3e: H+obbedC "e was being offensive.H El 0isgusto: H"ere goes 3ister ,olitically orrectEH

3e: H"e said that "omose5uals should show up when you cast a 0ETE T EG%L spell. 0oes that @hack)')3ole game you use for a brain register what that meansCH heating .astard: H@ell he may have a point, % mean after all that kind of behavior goes against cultural norms.H 3e: HSo it1s 2/ to hack and slash non human races but it1s evil for people for the same se5 to fall in loveCH El 0isgusto: H@orks for me.H

,sycho 0ave: HE5cept for chicks. %t1s 2/ for chicks to make out.H heating .astard: H's long as they1re hot.H 3e: HAou guys need to grow up and reali4e there is a real world out there, with real people with real feelings.H El 0isgusto: HFust a damn minute here. 'b=... have you changed teamsC ,sycho 0ave: H"as he even picked a teamCH 3e: H% did not change teamsEH ,sycho 0ave: HSee he1s still gay.H 3e: H%f you numbskulls recall, % had a fiancee.H heating .astard: H!our years ago.H ,sycho 0ave: H0eviant .oy1s girlfriend knows your E5)'b= and she has some stories to tell.H El 0isgusto: H0eviant .oy1s girlfriend creeps me out. That flipper armE .rrrrrEH 3e: H an we <ust get startedCH El 0isgusto: H% have a character with claws, combat skills and a mutant healing factor... % call him 1The Nin<a law1EH heating .astard: H% rolled up an awesome characterE "e has ,rehensile "air and @ater .reathingE % call him 1/id thulhu1EH 3e: H% have a super hero with flight, super strength and armor skin. % call him aptain ,rotector.H

El 0isgusto: H% call him

aptain Lame.H

3e: H0oes it bother you that the neighbors send your 3om sympathy cards on your birthdayCH ,sycho 0ave: H2/ you are all super heroes in the 3ighty 3arvel Tradition. This is the 3arvel ?niverse you know e5cept that Spiderman, the 'vengers, 0aredevil and the ()3en are all dead.H El 0isgusto: H@ussies.H ,sycho 0ave: HGillains run wild in the streets, committing acts of villainy, most of them worship '4athoth.H 3e: HSo what you meant by your vision of the 3arvel ?niverse is that it1s nothing even remotely like the 3arvel ?niverse.H ,sycho 0ave: HAou can leave if you want you know. %1m sure you can find something a little less comple5 and depressing to play.H 3e: H@here am % going to find a game of /?LT at this hourCH El 0isgusto: H're we on patrol or did % put on my green nin<a spande5 for nothingCH 3e: HSo this is what it1s like to fail a Sanity +oll in real life.H ,sycho 0ave: H2/ you dorks are out on patrol. ,eople spit at you and throw garbage at you as you pass.H heating .astard: HSince he is a mutant my character is filled with angst.H El 0isgusto: H%1m sure none of these scum actually see my character. "e is a nin<a after all.H

3e: H"e1s a nin<a in green spande5.H El 0isgusto: HThe deadliest kind.H ,sycho 0ave: H2/ you guys see a crack deal going down in a nearby alley.H 3e: HNot e5actly the most auspicious debut but this is a start.H heating .astard: H.esides crackheads should be easy to beatEH El 0isgusto: H@e attackEH &0ice are rolled, charts are consulted* ,sycho 0ave: HThe Nin<a law attacks first, he kills the crackhead easily and looses all karma.H El 0isgusto: H0amnnitE % forgot about thatEH heating .astard: H% go after the dealerE 2nce he1s down % loot his pockets.H 3e: H@hat kind of a super hero are youCH El 0isgusto: HThe manly kind.H 3e: HAour character1s wearing green spande5EH ,sycho 0ave: HAou reali4e only too late that the crack dealer wearing armor and a green cape. "e shouts to you 1Gon 0oom is angry that you have disrupted his crack transactionE Gon 0oom will have bloody vengeanceE1H heating .astard: HT"E 0r. 0oomC @hat an honorEH El 0isgusto: HSave me a piece of himE 3y nin<a pops his claws and

goes at him Lee van

leef)styleEH

3e: H@hy is 0r. 0oom selling crackCH ,sycho 0ave: H0r. 0oom says 1Gon 0oom must sell crack because that rat bastard 3agneto has cornered the market on 1"osE1 Then he attacksEH &' short, one sided battle later* ,sycho 0ave: H'nd as a warning to others 0r. 0oom desecrates your corpses and throws them into the fountain in entral ,ark.H 3e: H%1m speechless.H El 0isgusto: H%f only my green spande5 had been flame retardant.H heating .astard: H an we roll up new characters and try a different scenarioCH ,sycho 0ave: H@hy notC The night is young.H

@e spent the ne5t hour or so rolling up new characters.

&+oll. +oll.

onsult.*

3e: H%ce powersE 'wesomeEH El 0isgusto: HAeah will this time try to be a little more of a team player and help us.H 3e: H3eC Aou were the one that tried to run away.H El 0isgusto: H% was going to get more nin<a supplies. % was gonna be right back.H

heating .astard: HSo 'b=, your fiancee) sorry % mean you e5)fiancee is getting married in a week. 0id you know thatCH 3e: HAes. an we please talk about anything elseCH

,sycho 0ave: H"ow about we talk about that lameass T22N game you tried to runCH 3e: HThe game wasn1t lame, the players <ust didn1t get it.H El 0isgusto: H2h yeah blame us like the little bitch you are.H 3e: HLook we were supposed to be playing a role)playing game of cartoon humor. The characters they made sabotaged the whole thing. 0eviant .oy1s character was !rit4 the at, 'senath made the half) naked sword chick from "eavy 3etal, @easly rusher made a Geritech !ighter and El 0isgusto made... a nin<a.H El 0isgusto: H' cartoon nin<a.H ,sycho 0ave: H@ell they were all cartoon characters. % don1t see what the big deal is.H 3e: H2h % give up.H

The groups tastes in games were pretty simple, serious games were mocked and humorous games were treated seriously. %t made for some very cathartic games of ,'+'N2%' but not much else.!inally we got our characters created and were ready to try our luck again.

3e: H% have a mutant with control over ice cold and darkness. % call him Fack !rostE "e wears a dark trenchcoat and a fedoraEH heating .astard: H.elieve me no one cares. % have a mutant with 0amage +esistance, 3orphing and Stretching. %n honor of 'b=1s latest

failed campaign % call him ToonEH El 0isgusto: H3y character has control of flame, a flame body and he can fly. % call him) The Nin<a TorchEH ,sycho 0ave: H2/... %1m going to make everything a little easier for you guys now so you don1t bitch and whine. Aour superheroes are on patrol and you happen to notice a bank robbery going on.H 3e: H% charge in to the bank and shout 1"old it right there lawbreakersE1H heating .astard: H% shake my head and think what a loser.H El 0isgusto: H% fly in and start setting people on fire at random to distract the bank robbers.H ,sycho 0ave: HThe bank robber turns around. %t1s <ust some guys hold weird ray guns. They open fire on you.H &Several die rolls and a shocked gasp later.* 3e: HLet me get this straight. 3y character shit himself until he 0%E0CH ,sycho 0ave: H3any fear the awesome power of the E5la5iactor -un.H &3ore die rolls, another shocked gasp* El 0isgusto: H@ell they1re dead now. Aou1ve been avenged Fack !rost.H heating .astard: H'ctually everyone in the bank is dead thanks to you. Even me.H El 0isgusto: H@ell you shouldn1t have talked back. The Nin<a Torch flies outside and strikes a midair nin<a poseEH

,sycho 0ave: H'nd the terrified police open fire killing you.H El 0isgusto: H0'3N%TEH 3e: H@hy are you doing thisCH heating .astard: HSheesh, don1t get all wound up. @e1re all here to have fun.H ,sycho 0ave: H%1m having fun.H El 0isgusto: H's long as 'b=1s character dies first %1m having fun.H heating .astard: HShould we try again with another set of charactersCH El 0isgusto: HSure.H 3e: H2h Sweet Lord...H

% know what your think % should have run, but % thought to myself, what were the chances of ,sycho 0ave clobbering three of our characters in one night. % mean sure you knew what was gonna happen <ust by looking at the title here, but % was young and optimistic.

3e: H@ell this character is a mess.H El 0isgusto: H%s he based on your lifeCH 3e: H"e has ()ray Gision, he can turn into water and control water, he has an advanced sense of smell and can sense crimes being committed and teleport to themCH ,sycho 0ave: H@hat are you going to call himC @aterweirdCH

3e: H@hy notCH heating .astard: H3y character has super speed based powers. %1ll call him the .oltEH El 0isgusto: H3y character has the proportionate strength and abilities of an insect. %1ll call him the +ed .ee) he1s a nin<aEH 3e: HAou know maybe %1ll bail out here guys. %t1s getting kind of light.H heating .astard: HAeah your e5 fiancee Talula said you had that problem starting late and finishing earlyH 3e: HAou know if you1ve got something to say <ust say it.H heating .astard: H%1ve <ust heard some stories about your first night with Talula.H 3e: HAeah you1ve heard stories but do you want to hear the truthC @hat do you want to hearC 0o you want to hear the story of two lonely people finding each otherC 2f two souls who found in each other, in one shining moment a way to shut out the world to shut out the pain. 0o you want to hear how we were <ust talking one moment and then the ne5t we were kissingC "ow the room seemed to spin and we fell into each other1s arms. The way we punctuated our kisses with sweet whispersC 0o you want to hear about they way our clothes fell away and we lost ourselves in a fog of animalistic passionCH heating .astard: H% <ust want to hear how you didn1t reali4e you were fucking your own beltloop.H 3e: H...oh that...H

There was a fifteen minute pause in the game because the other guys were helpless with laughter. They rolled on their backs like upended turtles. 's an older and wiser man % reali4e now that % never had a

better moment to kill them.Eventually the game began again.

3e: H% use my danger teleportation powers to get us to the nuclear power plant.H heating .astard: H an we see who has taken it hostageCH El 0isgusto: H% kick randomly in case the villain is invisible.H ,sycho 0ave: H'nd there you see before you the awesome shape of 3egatronE "e moves to attack.H 3e: H3egatronC !rom the TransformersCH El 0isgusto: HNo 3egatron from the New /ids 2n The .lockE @hat the "ell is wrong with youCH heating .astard: HAeah, get your mind outta your beltloop.H 3e: H0ave, % have a Duestion. %f my character really concentrates can he find someplace even more dangerousCH ,sycho 0ave: H?hm, technically yes.H 3e: H% leave them to 3egatron then. %1m sure they can handle it themselves.H El 0isgusto: HAou whatCH heating .astard: HThat1s not very good role)playing.H &0ice are rolled, a speedster and a nin<a are vapori4ed.* El 0isgusto: H0amnitE % had such plans for this character.H heating .astard: H@ell at least now we can watch 'b=1s character get

screwed worse than us.H ,sycho 0ave: HE5actly. 1@aterweird1 finds himself at a meeting of the 3asters of Evil and the @recking rew. They turn to you and begin cracking their knuckles.H 3e: H3y character shouts 1% have seen the lightE ,raise '4athoth.1H

%t was a good plan but it didn1t save my character. % decided to head home when ,sycho 0ave suggested we make another set of characters and try again. % decided to see if % could find a late night game of /?LT someplace after all.

RPG.)*T rant +1# annibals. Redne&,s and Trans"endered Astronauts

originally posted to +,-.net on 77)=$)#$$# at $9:=K ,3 @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 T"E E'S%LA 2!!EN0E0, !'NS 2! "%-"L'N0E+ # 'N0 ,E2,LE @"2 T"2?-"T % @'S 0E'0. % always loved "%LL, there was a kind of elegant simplicity to it that appealed to me. The problem was % could never seem to get a game going. This is an e5ample of the kind of thing that always seemed to happen. @e were in El 0isgusto6s basement. % was going to be running the game) ,sycho 0ave, El 0isgusto, @easly rusher and .lobert Smith were playing.

3e: H+eallyC They1re going to -en

onCH

,sycho 0ave: HAeah 0eviant .oy his pookie)pie are there right now.H El 0isgsto: H% don1t think much of his taste in women but % gotta admit the man knows romance.H @easly rusher: M@hat more could you e5pect from someone that has memori4ed all the -orean slave positions.N .lobert Smith: H.ahE +omanceE @hat is romance but a call to propagate the continuity of bloodC 'nd don1t all lovers turn to dust in the endCH @easly rusher: H0idn1t you used to be in ')G lub with usCH

.lobert Smith: H%n my youth % threaded many a pro<ector. % walked among the students but did they ever see meCH 3e: H0idn1t you used to be a lot lessS -othCH ,sycho 0ave: H'nd a lot lessS largeCH 3e: H0aveEH ,sycho 0ave: H@ell look at himE "e1s hugeE That1s no gamer) it1s a battle stationEH 3e: H%1m sorry about this .lobert, 0ave thinks he1s funny.H .lobert Smith: H% am not insulted. % wear my girth as a badge of honor. Aou see the doctor1s told me % was diabetic, they told me that if % did not change my dietary habits % would die.H @easly rusher: H@ow.H

.lobert Smith: H.ut % ask youS is life without the Nutty .uddy bar

truly livingC % say to you noE 0eath or sweetsC % say let ,oppin1 !resh be my -rim +eaper.H El 0isgusto: HTestify brotherEH 3e: H@ell you1re living your dream % respect thatS kinda. Let1s make characters shall weCH

%t was fairly easy to coach them through character creation but when it came time to eDuip the characters ,sycho 0ave started to become skittish.

,sycho 0ave: H@hat the "ell kind of a weapon1s chart is thisCH 3e: H@hat do you meanCH ,sycho 0ave: H%t1s one chart, it covers all firearms damageE %t1s blasphemous. %t1s like +olemaster gone retarded.H @easly rusher: H%t looks ok to me.H

,sycho 0ave: H2ne chart for all kinds of firearmsC 2ne chart for revolvers and automagsC 2ne chart for rifles versus assault weaponsC @hat about buckshot and armor piercing roundsCH 3e: H@ell the game doesn1t get into that much detail.H ,sycho 0ave: HThen how can you e5pect me to role play my character properly.H El 0isgusto: HThis is one of 'b=1s games. Aou play by sneering at the mind)numbing lameness.H

@easly

rusher: H2uch.H

.lobert Smith: H an we not accept the fact that we game because we are the floatsam and <etsam of societyC That the very gravity of our personal pain has drawn us togetherCH ,sycho 0ave: H% think % liked you better when you spent all your time dubbing tapes of T3ystery Science Theater6 on school eDuipment.H 3e: MLamenessC Aou dare accuse me of lamenessCN El 0isgusto: MAou oo4e lameness.N 3e: M2k why don6t you tell us why you hated my 0J0 campaignCN El 0isgusto: M.ecause it was a stupid dungeon crawl.N 3e: M2k then. .y the way what was the plot for your ST'+ !+2NT%E+S gameCN El 0isgusto: MSome guy you met in a bar on a space station wanted you to recover a lost device from a long) abandoned underground comple5 that had been overrun by mutants.N 3e: M% see. Now what was the plot for you .22T "%LL gameCN El 0isgsto: M'n old prospector met your characters in a saloon and asked you to help him get some gold from an old abandoned mine that had been overrun by Lovitar worshiping 'paches.N 3e: M'nd lastly, what was the plot for your S"'02@+?N gameCN El 0isgusto: M'n old wi4ard hired you guys to steal some data from an underground comple5 guarded by a dragon.N

3e: M'nd you hate dungeon crawlsCN El 0isgusto: M@ith a passion.N 3e: M.ut you love irony.N El 0isgusto: M%rony is for losers 'b=, losers like you.N @easly rusher: M an my character be a vampireCN

3e: MNo you fight vampires in this game. Gampires are evil blood drinking menaces.N @easly rusher: M@ell maybe % could play a vampire with a soul who is fighting evil because he is on a Duest for redemption.N ,sycho 0ave: MThat is without a doubt the most stupidest thing % have ever heard.N @easly rusher: M2k then %6ll <ust play an good cop with a bad attitude named 'rnold Eastwood.N ,sycho 0ave: M%6ll be playing a bounty hunter named .eauford !ett.N El 0isgusto: M3y character is a nin<a. No one knows his real name, so you may call him... The Scourge.N .lobert Smith: M3y character is a transgendered astronaut with something to prove.N 3e: MSinteresting mi5.N ,sycho 0ave: M%n his spare time my character hunts and kills Starbucks employees.N

@easly rusher: M3y character keeps the ashes of his dead partner in a snuff pouch around his neck.N El 0isgusto: M3y character6s weapon of choice is an aluminum baseball bat he calls TFustice6.N .lobert Smith: M3y character is on the run from the government because heLshe knows the moon landings were faked.N

The game hadn6t even begun and already % was rooting for the forces of darkness. %n "%LL the player characters were all members of a super)secret monster battlin6 ghost)busting organi4ation called S.'.G.E.. % decided to have them all inducted into the organi4ation at the same time.

3e: M,rofessor /ruthers welcomes you all to the organi4ation and gives you each a lapel pin with the S.'.G.E. insignia on it.N @easly rusher: M ool.N

El 0isgusto: MThe Scourge pins his to his .'+E N'/E0 !LES"EN .lobert Smith: M3y character attaches hersLhis to the crushed silk cravat sheLhe wears.N ,sycho 0ave: M% thrown mine across the room and tell /ruthers to go screw himself.N 3e: M@hatCN ,sycho 0ave: M.eauford !ett works for no man.N 3e: M.utS the premise of the game is that you all work for S.'.G.E..N

,sycho 0ave: M@ell % suppose that the ,remise is more important than !ree @ill to you thenCN 3e: M% am fine with free will but this is like having a ST'+ T+E/ game and one of the players refusing to be in Starfleet.N @easly rusher: M'ctually that happens a lot. +emember the last ST'+ T+E/ gameC El 0isgusto wanted to play a nin<a.N El 0isgusto: M"ow could Star !leet not have nin<asC %t6s the only thing that keeps the /lingons from attacking in force.N ,sycho 0ave: MLook %6ll be in the stupid monster club if it6ll stop you bitching and whining but % am not wearing some sissy ass magic pin.N 3e: M!ine, fine.N El 0isgusto: M an % have his pin thenCN

% Duickly wrapped up the debriefing and moved on to the players6 mission. They were to meet their contact in 'tlanta, -eorgia where we would investigate a series of cannibal murders of a decidedly supernatural bent.

@easly rusher: M@hile we6re on the plane % listen to a book on tape version of the Necronomicon.N 3e: MNo you do not.N ,sycho 0ave: M3y character pees in the restroom sink.N El 0isgusto: M% can6t believe % let you use my bathroom.N

,sycho 0ave: MLook who6s talking bottle boy.N .lobert Smith: M3y character contemplates throwing himselfLherself out of the airplane as a way to combat the gnawing malaise that infects herLhim.N 3e: M2k.N .lobert Smith: M.ut instead heLshe <ust orders a second desert.N 3e: M%6m glad you made it through that little crisis. Now your characters get off the plane and your contact .rian "ayes is waiting for you. Aou spot the gentle)features 'frican)'merican man easily by his tell)tale S.'.G.E. lapel pin.N @easly rusher: M% greet him with the secret handshake.N

3e: MS.'.G.E. doesn6t have a secret handshake.N El 0isgusto: M% try to make sure none of the baggage inspectors notice my suitcase full of nin<a gear.N .lobert Smith: M3y character bats herLhis eyes at .rian "ayes and then instantly loathes himLherself for doing so.N ,sycho 0ave: M@hoah. @ait a minute. "old the phone.N 3e: M@hatCN ,sycho 0ave: M' black guyC @e have to work with a -od damned black guyCN 3e: M"e6s an N, , he6s here to help your characters.N

,sycho 0ave: M"elp us whatC Learn how to collect welfareCN .lobert Smith: MSweet ,an)!ried FesusE @hat6s wrong with youCN El 0isgusto: M0o % find my luggageCN @easly rusher: MAou know this isn6t +E0NE /: T"E LAN "%N-.N

3e: M@hy does this matterC 're you really going to make an issue out of thisCN ,sycho 0ave: M@hat6s ne5tC 0ungeon delving with fluffy orcsCN @easly rusher: M3an % knew you were a racist and % knew you were cra4y but % didn6t think you were some kind of a cra4y racistEN El 0isgusto: M"elloE LuggageE Should % make a search rollCN .lobert Smith: M0o you not rage against the men of color because you hate yourselfCN ,sycho 0ave: M'hS no.N 3e: M2k look. %f it will make you happy %6ll make .rian "ayes white.N ,sycho 0ave: MToo lateE Aou already said he was black. "e6s black) no do oversEN 3e: M2h for hrist6s sakeSN

El 0isgusto: M@here is my luggageCN 3e: M%t was sent to Los 'ngeles, all your luggage was sent to Los 'ngeles.N

El 0isgusto: M2f course you reali4e this means war.N ,sycho 0ave: MSeeC .rian "ayes little homies probably stole themEN .lobert Smith: M2h they might manhandle our suitcases but they will never lay claim to our souls.N 3e: MS.'.G.E. will give you a modest stipend to get clothes and eDuipment.N @easly rusher: M an % buy body armor with gold trimCN

3e: M.rian "ayes drives you to a > star hotel, on the drive there he tells you about the strange case of the cannibal murders. "e e5plains that each of the victims was seemingly swallowed by shadows and then their partial eaten bodies were found later in the park. ' set of red sticky footprints were found leading from each of the bodies seemingly to nowhere. The footprints faded after twenty)four hours and could not be photographed. Each of the victims was seemingly swallowed by shadows and then dropped somewhere else.N ,sycho 0ave: M% <ab a pen into .rian "ayes6 neck and shout, T3aybe that6s <ust what you want us to thinkE 0id you even pay for this carC6N @easly rusher: M@hatCN

El 0isgusto: M% roll down the window and ride on top of the carS nin<a) styleEN 3e: M.rian "ayes asks .eauford if there is a problem.N ,sycho 0ave: M% tell him that %6m watching him.N .lobert Smith: M% roll up the window so our nin<a friend can6t get back in.N

3e: M'nyway, .rian takes you to your hotel and helps you get settled in. he tells you that in a few hours he will take you to one of the murder scenes.N ,sycho 0ave: MLet me know if % have a chance to get this guy alone.N 3e: M@hyCN ,sycho 0ave: MAou6ll find out 3r. %)-et) onfused).y harts.N

.lobert Smith: M2nce my character is alone in his room heLshe puts on a sundress, a gorilla mask and a strap on and plays +ussian +oulette.N 3e: M% seem to saying this a lot today) whyCN .lobert Smith: M.ecause she6sLhe6s in ,'%NEN El 0isgusto: M% check my room for nin<as.N 3e: MThe room is completely nin<a free.N El 0isgusto: M"ow do you know when you didn6t even rollCN 3e: MThere are no nin<as in the damn roomE They must have put up one of those no)nin<a pest strips.N

' few hours later .rian "ayes came back to tell the , s there had been another murder. This of course sent ,sycho 0ave into another round of accusations and attempted garrotings. !inally % got them moving again but things did slow down again when El 0isgusto insisted on having his character climb down the walls of the hotel. Soon, the characters found themselves at a very fresh murder scene.

They took a moment to look over the gnawed on body and the large tar)like footprints.

@easly

rusher: M?hm, why aren6t the police here yetCN

.lobert Smith: M3y character ga4es down at the corpse and considers that perhaps in the end we are all selections on a cosmic deli tray.N El 0isgusto: MAeah why aren6t the police hereCN 3e: M.rian "ayes e5plains that)M ,sycho 0ave: M3y character shouts T%t6s a trapE6 and tackles the wily N, .N &' brief tussle later* 3e: M2k. .rian "ayes puts the can of mace back into his <acket, ,sycho 0ave6s character is screaming and running around in circles.N ,sycho 0ave: M% doubt that. 3e and .iff .am used to mace each other all the time to stay manly. %6m sure .eauford !ett is walking it off and biding his time.N 3e: M.rian "ayes e5plains that the police aren6t here yet because they don6t know about the murder yet.N ,sycho 0ave Mah)"'EN 3e: M.rian "ayes goes on to e5plain that the reason he knew about this murder was because he is plagued by strange dreams of a prophetic nature.N El 0isgusto: M%t6s like he has a nin<a danger sense.N

@easly

rusher: MEven better he6s psychic.N

,sycho 0ave: M2h % get it. "e6s black and he has a dream. Gery nice, very politically correct.N .lobert Smith: MAour 5enophobic gibes grow wearisome.N ,sycho 0ave: M'nd your ass smells like cheese what6s your pointCN

The ne5t hour or so was spent on investigationS in the loosest sense of the term. @easly rusher tried to piece together clues but he needed a lot of N, help. Sadly he didn6t get a lot of N, help because ,sycho 0ave spent most of the game trying he get the N, .rian "ayes, poisoned, killed or deported. .lobert Smith tried to help but since his role)playing style was somewhere between regular gaming and performance art he was really no help at all. Since El 0isgusto6s character was a nin<a he stayed in the shadows and fondled his bat, maybe that was <ust as well.!inally they group figured out that there was an '4tec cannibal god on the loose and they tracked it down to an importer on the seedy side of town. Taking their cue from every horror film ever made the team planned to storm the monsters den in dead of night with minimal planning and weaponry..ut before that could happen % had to e5cuse myself to use the restroom.

,sycho 0ave: MTook you long enough.N @easly rusher: M"ope everything came out all right.N

.lobert Smith: M% feel we must try to reason with the cannibal god.N

3e: M?h, El 0isgustoCN El 0isgusto: M@hatCN 3e: M"ow long have your parents been away forCN El 0isgusto: MFust this last day, they come back in the morning. @hy you wanna marry themCN 3e: M'nd how long has Lamont been locked in the linen closetCN El 0isgusto: M0id you let him outCN 3e: MAes.N El 0isgusto: MAou total total wuss.N 3e: M@hy are you so mean to that poor animalCN El 0isgusto: MThat damn dog was asking for itEN 3e: M@hat did he doCN El 0isgusto: M% was stretched out on the love seat, trying to en<oy the classic film TThe !urther 'dventures of Tennessee .uck6. % had <ust gotten to the tribal rubdown scene when the damn dog rubs his slimy nose across my bare feetEN @easly rusher: MThere6s a mood killer.N

.lobert Smith: M'h % remember the first time my parents walked in my room to find me with my shirt gripped in my teeth and T"ardbodies6 playing on the G +.N 3e: MSo you punished your dog for thatCN

El 0isgusto: M0ogs are like women, they only respond to strong dominant men) like me.N 3e: MThat would be more impressive if you hadn6t cried like a baby at the end of T"ighlander6.N @easly rusher: M% cried at the end of 1"ighlander #1.N

,sycho 0ave: M@e all did @easly, we all did.N 3e: MAou reali4e of course that after almost a whole day in the linen closet you no longer haveS clean linenCN El 0isgusto: M0amn that dogE %6m gonna beat him like a rugEN 3e: M+eturning to the gameS please S how do you guys sneak inCN ,sycho 0ave: M@e kick in the front doors.N .lobert Smith: M"ow very subtle.N 3e: M'll right. Aou guys charge in and find those strange bloody footprints everywhere. .rian "ayes leads you down the hallway to where)N ,sycho 0ave: M@ait, he6s in front of usCN 3e: MAes and he)N El 0isgusto: MNin<a poseEN .lobert Smith: M3y character girds hisLher loins.N

@easly

rusher: M!oolE Never bring loins to a gunfight.N

,sycho 0ave: M% shoot .rian "ayes in the back of the head.N &roll dice* 3e: MAou whatCN ,sycho 0ave: M% see here by this wussy)ass chart you have hear that .rian "ayes is one dead N, .N 3e: M@hyCN ,sycho 0ave: M.ecause %6m role playing.N @easly rusher: MAou total <erkE @hy did you have to ruin everythingCN ,sycho 0ave: M.ecause it can6t be El 0isgusto every week.N El 0isgusto: MThat does itE % attack .lobert6s transse5ual astronaut.N .lobert Smith: M3y character screams like a woman and then goes for herLhis gun.N ,sycho 0ave: M% taunt @easly by +iverdancing in the N, 6s brains.N &0ice are rolled wildly: up above up in the kitchen the sound of a dog desperately trying to use a can opener goes ignored* 3e: M@ell, all of your are dead or dying. "ope you6re happy.N @easly aid.N rusher: M an % roll to scoop my entrails back inC % have first

3e: M' chill settles over the room and as you all watch, the '4tec cannibal god materiali4es out the shadows and leers down at your with his blood dripping skull face.N ,sycho 0ave: M hoke on itS choke on itSN .lobert Smith: M% make a final defiant gestureS as soon as my character finds herLhis armS % know its around here somewhereSN 3e: MThe '4tec cannibal god turns away in disgust, he doesn6t find any of you in the least bit appeti4ing.N El 0isgusto: M.ut nin<as are deliciousEN

% sold my entire set of "%LL rulebooks the ne5t afternoon and gave the money % got to the ?nited Negro ollege !und. %t seemed the only appropriate course of action to take.

RPG.)*T rant +1Tra!!ed in =edi A&ademy

originally posted to +,-.net on 7#)#P)#$$# at 7$:=> ,3 T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 !'NS 2! ST'+ @'+S, +%T% S 2! -E2+-E L? 'S 'N0 'NA2NE T"'T T"%N/S -+EE02 S"2T !%+ST. !+%0'A K:$$ ,3 The 7K years between ST'+ @'+S episode G% and ST'+ @'+S Episode % were a simpler, more innocent time, especially in the world of gaming. ,sycho 0ave had moved out on his own into a modest little studio apartment on the corner of rack @hore and .loodstain, or

maybe it <ust seemed that way. "e had invited everyone to this game, his ST'+ @'+S game set before the fall of the republic where we all played students in the Fedi 'cademy. @easly rusher, .lobert Smith, 0eviant .oy and his beloved 'senath were also present. 2nly El 0isgusto was absent, due to in<ury.

3e: H"is dog bit off his @"'TCH @easly rusher: HThe tip of his penis.H

3e: H.ut how... why....CH .lobert Smith: H0o we really wish to know thatC 0o we reallyCH ,sycho 0ave: H"ey are those the pictures from -EN 2NCH

0eviant .oy: HAeah. Take a look, there was Duite the crop of booth babes this year.H 'senath: H%1ll say.H 3e: HLet me see.H @easly rusher: H're the rumors of a second edition of 0ungeons and 0ragons trueCH 'senath: HAes they are.H ,sycho 0ave: H@hyC @hy would they mess with perfectionCH .lobert Smith: H's long as % can still play an 'nti),aladin or an 'ssassin % will continue to greet each role playing e5perience with a lessened sense of ennui.H

3e: H-reat pictures 'senath but this one is kinda out of focus and it almost looks like you1re... like you1re... -+E'T "'ST?+1S -"2STEH @easly rusher: H%s that...are they... is she...CH

.lobert Smith: H,olishing his wandCH ,sycho 0ave: H/issing his 3ynockCH @easly rusher: H+olling his SanityCH

3e: H@hat the "ell thisCH 'senath: HSorry, don1t how those got in there. Those are from our private collection.H 0eviant .oy: H.ut they were taken at -EN 2N.H

3e: HAeah well you two should keep that stuff to yourselves.H 'senath: HSorry to have offended you) but % am especially proud of this picture here)H 3e: H3A EAESEEEEEH 0eviant .oy: H2h come on we are adults here.H ,sycho 0ave: H@ait a second. %f she1s there... and he1s over there... who1s taking this pictureCH 'senath: H@ell we ended up having a kind of three)way with someone who worked for @hite @olf.H .lobert Smith: H0o my ears deceive meC "ave by some dark miracle

you found a way to congeal your flesh with the flesh of the dark geniuses that birthed the gaming miracle known as G'3,%+E T"E 3'SB?E+'0ECH 0eviant .oy: H@ell he said he worked for @hite @olf.H 'senath: H"e was wearing mostly black.H ,sycho 0ave: H@hoever he was he wasn1t much a photographer.H 3e: H"ey maybe we should start the game before % end up seeing someone else1s genitalia.H .lobert Smith: H% merely wish that % might one day be able to see my own genitalia again, but sadly the !ruit ,ie is a harsh mistress.H ,sycho 0ave: H2/ let1s start making characters. +emember this game will let you trace the development of your young <edi apprentice. +emember this is the Fedi academy)pre Star @ars pre)that @uss 0arth Gader.H @easly rusher: H0arth Gader is a wussCH

,sycho 0ave: H%f Gader was really a Sith master he would have killed his son and the Emperor and taken the whole thing over for himself.H .lobert Smith: H' specious victory at best. @hat about the forces commanded by Leia and "an SoloCH ,sycho 0ave: H'll Gader would have to do is firebomb the surface of Endor and then once he captures Leia he can make her his bride.H 3e: HShe1s his daughter.H

,sycho 0ave: HAes and this way the power of the force and their bloodline will stay pure.H 'senath: H3akes sense.H

.ut of course the girl with a flipper arm would agree. So we got to work making our characters. Each of us was playing a fresh faced young recruit. They all found ourselves at the Fedi 'cademy, lined up and waiting for 3aster Aoda. !riday O:$$ ,3

,sycho 0ave: H' hush passes over the room as 3aster Aoda enters. The small diminutive figure clears his throat before beginning to speak.H @easly rusher: H@ow.H

3e: H%1m impressed.H 0eviant .oy: HThis may be the coolest game ever.H ,sycho 0ave: H3aster Aoda surveys you and then he begins to speak. 1% '3 FE0% 3'STE+ A20', A2?+ SEN%2+ FE0% %NST+? T2+. !+23 N2@ 2N A2? @%LL S,E'/ 2NLA @"EN S,2/EN T2, 'N0 T"E !%+ST 'N0 L'ST @2+0S 2?T 2! A2?+ !%LT"A -'+.'-E "?TES @%LL .E 3'STE+E 02 A2? S,' E 3'--2TS ?N0E+ST'N0 T"'TC1H 'll of us: H3aster, yes 3asterEH ,sycho 0ave: H1S"'I.2TE % -2T ' ,'%+E1H 'N1T "E'+ A2?E S2?N0 2!! L%/E A2?

'senath: H?hmmm...H Everyone Else: H3aster yes masterEH ,sycho 0ave: H%! A2? N2N)FE0% S ?3 LE'GE 3A ,L'NET, %! A2? S?+G%GE +E +?%T T+'%N%N-... A2? @%LL .E ' @E',2N, A2? @%LL .E ' ,E' E L2G%N- 3%NSTE+ 2! 0E'T" ,+'A%N- !2+ @'+. .?T ?NT%L T"'T 0'A A2? '+E ,?/ESE A2? '+E T"E L2@EST !2+3 2! L%!E. A2? '+E N2T EGEN SENT%ENT L%!E. A2? '+E N2T"%N- .?T ?N2+-'N%IE0 -+'.'SST% ,%E ES 2! '3,"%.%'N S"%TE 'N0 % S"2?L0 /N2@ % '3 '3,"%.%2?SE .E '?SE % '3 "'+0 A2? @%LL N2T L%/E 3E. .?T FE0% 02 N2T "'TE S2 % 3?ST .E'T T"E T+'NB?%L%TA 2! T"E L%-"T S%0E 2! T"E !2+ E %NT2 A2?E 02 A2? S,' E 3'--2TS ?N0E+ST'N0 T"'TC1H 'll of us: H3aster Aes 3aster.H ,sycho 0ave: HAoda walks up to .lobert1s character. @hat does he look likeCH .lobert Smith: H3y character looks like a long haired albino painted by 3ichael @helan. "is name is !auntleroy Fones.... Aa1all.H ,sycho 0ave: H1.'NT"' 22/%ESE !+23 N2@ 2N A2?+ N'3E %S ',,+ENT% E SB?'+EN?TSE A2? L%/E T"'T N'3EC1H .lobert Smith: H%t doesn1t really have the resonance % was looking for... ya1all.H 0eviant .oy: H@hat1s with the Southern accentCH .lobert Smith: H3y character is from the southern half of the gala5y.H

,sycho 0ave: H L2SE A2?+ S"'!TSEH 3e: H're you sure Aoda would act like thisCH ,sycho 0ave: H3aster Aoda force chokes your character until he blacks out.H

!riday 9:$$ ,3 Ever the consummate game master ,sycho 0ave took a moment out to give each player a moment to introduce his character before crushing them completely. @easly was playing a young boy with e5traordinary mathematical abilities named 'dric, 0eviant .oy and 'senath were playing incestuous cousins. ,sycho 0ave took us step by step through his vision Fedi training.

3e: HSo it1s like an automated pitching machine)H ,sycho 0ave: HE5cept it fires shotputs.H @easly rusher: HSo %1m blindfolded and you1re shooting 7$ pound metal balls at meCH ,sycho 0ave: H%f the force is strong in you) you will survive. +oll those dice.H

!riday 8:$$ ,3

3e: H2nce %1m finished visiting @easly1s character in the infirmary % sneak back to the barracks in time for lights out.H

'senath: H'fter lights out and we1re all in our bunks my cousin and % use the !orce to massage each other1s genitals to the point of orgasm.H 3e: H%) uhh...H @easly rusher: HFedi1s can do thatC No wonder they1re so tranDuil.H

,sycho 0ave: H1S"?T A2?+ !%LT"A S,' E)"2LESE1H

!riday 77 ,3 ,sycho 0ave: H1T"%S %S 3A S'.E+. T"%S .L'0E....1H

!riday 77:>8 ,3

,sycho 0ave: HEach of you climb into your A)@ing fighters and prepare for your first training mission. Aour craft are all parked on the dark side of the planet.H @easly rusher: H%1m <ust glad that my character is out of the infirmary. % really wasn1t sure how to role play getting colonic enemas.H .lobert Smith: H%s anyoneCH ,sycho 0ave: H2/ @easly your character is first. 3ake a piloting roll as you fly across the planet1s darkside.H &0ice are rolled* @easly rusher: HAesEH

,sycho 0ave: HE5cellentE Now the live fire part of the e5ercise.H @easly rusher: H@hatCH

Saturday 7#:=$ '3

0eviant .oy: H@e all saved up and got your character this fruit basket @easly.H @easly rusher: H@ow. %1d eat it if my character still had limbs.H

Saturday 7:=$ '3

.lobert Smith: H% challenge 'pprentice 3alfoy to a duelE %1m tired of his crap... ya1all.H 0eviant .oy: H+ich little snotE "ow dare he sabotage our float for 3andalorian ,ride weekEH 'senath: H.e careful he1s very skilled.H 3e: HLook this has been... look... it1s late and % do have to be to work in the morning.H ,sycho 0ave: H% thought you were here to play a game, not bug out because you were a little sleepy.H 3e: H% have work commitment1s.H ,sycho 0ave: H@hat about your commitment to the !orceCH

3e: H2/ %1ll give this another hour. 't least until the end of the duel.H

Saturday #:=$ '3

@easly room.H

rusher: H%t was nice of 3aster Aoda to let us share a hospital

.lobert Smith: HThose were, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst die rolls of my life.H 0eviant .oy: H% steal some rubber gloves and dental dams for later.H 'senath: HEver the romantic.H 3e: H2/ %1m out of here.H @easly rusher: HSounds like a good place to stop.H

,sycho 0ave: H.ut the game isn1t done yet.H 3e: H.ut two)thirds of the party are in the infirmary.H ,sycho 0ave: HThere are still adventures to be hadEH 3e: H ome on, let1s wrap it up.H ,sycho 0ave: H2/ <ust a minute. % have a few more scenes to do 2/C ,leaseCH @easly: H2h 2/.H ,sycho 0ave: H2/ % need one more thing.H

,sycho 0ave e5cused himself to his bedroom. @easly and % began to pack up to leave. .lobert began trying to stand. 0eviant .oy and 'senath were debating locations they could go parking. Everyone fell silent when ,sycho 0ave walked out of his room carrying a sawed off shotgun.

3e: H'h... what is thatCH ,sycho 0ave: H% like to make important die rolls by bouncing the dice off the barrel.H @easly rusher: H%s that loadedCH

,sycho 0ave: H,robably.H .lobert Smith: H% am not comfortable with guns at the gaming table.H ,sycho 0ave: H%1m sorry, it1s <ust that gaming is the only thing that matters in my life anymore. 'nd when % can1t game it feels like my soul is being drawn into a dark miasma where right and wrong no longer matter.H @easly rusher: HAou know we could stay a little longer.H

3e: HAeah why stop nowCH 0eviant .oy: HThis is kinda scary.H 'senath: HAeah it gets me so hot.H 0eviant .oy: HAou little whoreEH 'senath: HAou rampant stallionEH

3e: H@hat1s @+2N- with you twoCH

Saturday =:=$ '3

'senath: HLook someone stole my character1s lightsaber and none of us is leaving here until % find out who it isEH @easly rusher: H% think the <anitor is evil.H

3e: H@hyCH @easly rusher: HEvery time he appears ,sycho 0ave plays the %mperial 3arch on his casio keyboard.H

Saturday >:$$ '3

.lobert Smith: H@e can make the skunk our petE The barracks mascotE % shall call him "awkmoonEH @easly rusher: H.ut what if 3aster Aoda finds outC @e1ll be in big trouble.H .lobert Smith: H@e1ll be fine so long as there are no sudden noises.H ,sycho 0ave: H3aster Aoda bursts in the room. 1@"'T %S 'LL T"%S 2NS,%+'T2+%'L @"%S,E+%N-C1H

Saturday >:7> '3

0eviant .oy: HAou know %1m pretty sure hanging us by our thumbs should get Aoda a 0ark Side point.H ,sycho 0ave: H1S"?T A2?+ !%LT"A S,' E "2LEE1H

Saturday K:=$ '3

3e: H2/. !ine. % help the rest of the party sabotage 'pprentice 3alfoy1s spacecraft.H @easly rusher: H0o you think this is part of the metaplotCH

Saturday O:7> '3

,sycho 0ave: H3aster Aoda says 1A2? '+E N2@ +E'0A !2+ T"E '0G'N E0 S,' E !%-"TE+ 2?+SEE1H @easly rusher: H% hide at the back of the line and hope he doesn1t see me.H 3e: H2/ % go first.H ,sycho 0ave: H1A2? @%LL !%N%S" T"%S 3e: HAes master yes. % will do my best.H ,sycho 0ave: H1A2? @%LL !%N%S" T"%S 2?+SEE A2? "'GE N2 "2% EE1 'nd then Aoda whips out a blaster and shoots you in the femur. Aou have five rounds before you bleed to death.H 2?+SE S,' E 3'--2TE1H

Saturday 7$:$$ '3

3e: H@ell %1m late for work.H ,sycho 0ave: H@ho caresC Aour characters have all gone '@2L to go to a space whorehouseEH 0eviant .oy: H!inally gaming % can relate toEH @easly rusher: H.lobert1s character and mine shared a space 1ho.H

.lobert Smith: HAes and <ust remember who shot first my boy.H

Saturday #:$$ ,3

3e: H@hile everyone else is at the 4ero gravity "oe)down % lock myself in my footlocker and blow my brains out.H ,sycho 0ave: H2/. +oll.H &0ice are rolled* 3e: H"ow could % missCH ,sycho 0ave: H@hy are you trying to ruin the game for everyone elseCH 3e: HLook maybe this game is fun for you but this is not Star @arsEH @easly rusher: H'b=E "e1s armedE Never taunt an armed gamemasterEH

,sycho 0ave: H@hat e5actly do you meanCH 3e: HLook, cartoon plots, people with bad accents and horny teenagers pretending to be bad asses is N2T what Star @ars is about. %1m out of here.H ,sycho 0ave: H-rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEH @easly rusher: HLook, my character is stuck in a <ohn with no paper. an he use the force to grab a roll from the storage closetCH ,sycho 0ave: H"uhC 2h yeah. !inally you1re acting like a Fedi.H

Legend says that game went on for three days, until only .lobert Smith was left. % never gamed with ,sycho 0ave again, he slowly drifted away from my circle of friends lost into a downward spiral of madness, self)loathing and -ames @orkshop products.

RPG.)*T rant +1/ Reservoir Tor"s originally posted to +,-.net on 7#)#9)#$$# at $9:=7 ,3 @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 !'NS 2! T2+-, ,E2,LE ?,SET .A ,EN%S %NF?+%ES, ,+2 'N0 'NT% @'+ ' T%G%STS 'N0 S23E 3E3.E+S 2! T"E S '. The loss of ,sycho 0ave was a blow to our gaming group, in the sense that the chances of us ever finding another bedwetting, racist, pyromaniac of his caliber were slim. Somehow we soldiered on. %t was the first week of Fanuary 7887. El

0isgusto was back from the hospital, nursing a grudge and a penis graft. "is parents had taken the dog on vacation so we were back gaming in his basement. "e was angry, scary angry. "e sat there at one corner of the gaming table with the stick of pain clenched in his fist, looking for all the world like /ing onan &%f /ing onan had died of a bladder infection and been brought back to life as a lich*. 0eviant .oy and 'senath were at there, but they were so cra4y in love that he insisted on having her sit on his lap. Fohnny Tangent was back, he1d been fired from his telemarketing <ob and now had a lot of free time to game. @easly rusher was never one to miss a game so he was there, he1d had to take two buses and walk half a mile but he was there. Lastly we had .lobert Smith, wearing a peace T)shirt and a headband that read HNo .lood for 2ilEH. % t was my turn to run and % had chosen a game % dearly loved but never had a chance to run... Torg.

El 0isgusto: H!irst thing off let me say that if anyone and % mean anyone makes any <okes about my in<ury they will get a taste of the stick of pain.H @easly rusher: H%t probably tastes like Lamont.H

Fohnny Tangent: H% love Sanford and Son.H .lobert Smith: H'h yes % also en<oyed the nihilistic subte5t of that program. 'fter all was not +ed !o51s character living in a <unkyard and constantly faking heart attacks and promising to <oin his dead wifeC ' bold, subtle statement on the failings of hristianity if ever % saw one.H 0eviant .oy: HLook, El 0isgusto, we don1t even really know what happened. % mean sure you1re father gave us a general idea what happened to you but he was laughing so hard % couldn1t make everything out.H

'senath: HAou poor thing.H El 0isgusto: H% don1t need your pity freakEH 3e: H"ey that1s not very nice.H El 0isgusto: HNeither is your pitiful e5cuse for a hairlineE Let1s game damnitEH

% gave them a brief overview of the world of Torg, a world like our own but invaded by conDuerors from other realities. Even El 0isgusto was intrigued, once he found out there were nin<as.

El 0isgusto: HThis nin<a rocksE %1ll call him Shinobi /illfist.H Fohnny Tangent: H%1m playing a special forces soldier named +oddy ,lisken.H .lobert Smith: H% playing an e5) yberpapcy priest named Foan.H @easly rusher: H% play a Storm /night named -ary.H

0eviant .oy: H%1ve got an e5ile Edenois named Enik.H 'senath: H2h .aby. 'lliteration makes me moisten.H 3e: H2h -od.H 'senath: H'nd %1m playing an Elven warrior maiden named Sheena.H 3e: H@ell this looks like a varied group and for once % have a game system that encourages this so let1s go over the rules and then we can

play.H

So % gave them a brief overview of the system, how combat and magic worked, the way that rolling a natural #$ meant you could re)roll. There was only one stumbling block...

.lobert Smith: H0rama deckC % don1t understand.H 3e: H2/ what the 0rama 0eck does is it gives random effects to the game and allows the , s to effect events in the game.H .lobert Smith: H.ut don1t the dice have that effectCH 3e: HAes the dice do have a randomi4ing effect but the cards allow the -3 or players to effect the story in other interesting ways.H .lobert Smith: HThen why utili4e dice at allCH 3e: H.ecause the dice are what you roll for skill and stat checks.H .lobert Smith: H'gain, why can1t the cards perform that functionCH 3e: HThe game is supposed to use dice and cards.H .lobert Smith: H% don1t understand.H El 0isgusto: H"ow stupid are you you dumb fat shitCH .lobert Smith: HE5cuse me kind sir, but my inability to comprehend a murky game concept is no reason for you to go off all ... halfcocked.H El 0isgusto: HST% / 2! ,'%NEH

%t took a few moments more for @easly, Fohnny and myself to break up the pitiful flailings of .lobert and El 0isgusto. 0eviant .oy stayed in his seat, maybe because 'senath stayed on his lap, rocking gently.

3e: H2/ let1s get to the actual game. The si5 of you are brought together by an elderly Storm /night code named Gagabond...H Fohnny Tangent: HLet it be said now my character isn1t going to take crap from anyone. This is a war damnitEH .lobert Smith: HThis is not a @'+)game you philistine this is a +2LE) ,L'A%N- game. ,erhaps reason will succeed.H Fohnny Tangent: H+easonC @ith interndimensional invadersCH .lobert Smith: H,erhaps we could learn from them, perhaps we could learn from each other.H @easly rusher: H"ere we go again. +emember what happened when you tried to hug that shoggothCH El 0isgusto: H3y nin<a revs his motorcycle1s engine with subtle menace.H 'senath: HAou brought your motorcycle into the briefing roomCH El 0isgusto: H' nin<a is always preparedEH 0eviant .oy: H3y character e5amines the motorcycle with intense curiosity.H 3e: HGagabond asks Shinobi to take the motorcycle outside and)H

Fohnny Tangent: HAou know it1s people like you that are ruining this country with your hippie peace protests.H .lobert Smith: H@ell maybe % don1t want 'merican soldiers and %raDi children1s lives destroyed because of a corrupt immoral presidentEH Fohnny Tangent: H2/ it has registered in that whack)a)mole game that you use for a brain that %raD invaded the nation of /uwait and has brutali4ed its people.H .lobert Smith: H an1t you see that1s out faultC @e armed %raD, we made them what they are. @e all but killed those /uwaiti people.H Fohnny Tangent: HE5actly. %raD is like a dog that has gone mad from licking it1s empty nadsack too much and has to be put down.H @easly: HSniffE ,oor ,eaches.H Fohnny Tangent: HThat1s why -od made 'merica the toughest nation in the world. @e1re like the Shaft of nations.H .lobert Smith: HNoE @e armed %raD so it would invade /uwait so we could go in and steal both countries1 oilE %t1s a +epublican conspiracyE The only thing we can do now is nothing, this country is too immoral and blood soaked to make a decision untainted by racism and capitalism.H Fohnny Tangent: H.ut what about /uwait1s peopleCH .lobert Smith: HNo blood for oilEH Fohnny Tangent: H'merica) love it or leave itEH .lobert Smith: HNo blood for oilEH

Fohnny Tangent: H'merica) love it or leave itEH .lobert Smith: HNo blood for oilEH Fohnny Tangent: H'merica) love it or leave itEH 3e: HSomebody get me the Stick of ,ain.H

Somehow the mission got underway. The players investigated a group of 1'mbassadors1 from the Nile Empire but when they were discovered. Everything went well until...

@easly

rusher: H% missed againE 3y character sucksEH

El 0isgusto: H2nce the security guard is unconscious, % slip on my chainmail glove and show everyone why my character is called 1Shinobi /illfist1.H 3e: H% don1t have a table for that.H 0eviant .oy: H%s there a sanity stat in this gameCH 'senath: H ould have been worse. "e could have been called Aamada ornhole.H El 0isgusto: H@atch itE %1m not afraid to use the stick of pain on a womanEH 3e: H!ocus people. !ocus.H Fohnny Tangent: H0o you suppose they tried other fruits and vegetables before deciding upon the term 1cornhole1CH

El 0isgusto: H% dunno let1s ask your 3om.H Fohnny Tangent: HGery funny !rankencockEH El 0isgusto: HStick of)H 3e: H"eyE an we <ust)H

.lobert Smith: H% still don1t understand this 0rama 0eck thing. 0on1t they by their very nature render the randomi4ing effect of the dice mootCH 3e: H2h -od...H @easly rusher: H're you 2/ 'b=C Aou usually don1t start hyperventilating this early in the game.H

Somehow we got through the combat although .lobert didn1t do much more than pu44le over his drama cards and 0eviant .oy kept borrowing my dice. The players split up for the investigation phase of the scenario and each worked with their own uniDue style.

El 0isgusto: H% drive the nin<acycle through the front doors of the hotel across the street from the villain1s house and start beheadingE Someone there has to know somethingEH @easly rusher: H ome on someone must know %1m in a Turkish ,rison.H 'senath: H3y character and the Edinos get a motel room and have se5.H

El 0isgusto: HAour character1s boiking a li4ard manCH 0eviant .oy: H% prefer the term %guanate)'merican.H El 0isgusto: HShe even role)plays as a skankEH Fohnny Tangent: H3y character finds a bar where the security guards go after work and bears the answers out of some people there. 'll the while he says 1Now we see the violence inherent in the systemE1H 3e: H%s that a ,ython DuoteC Aou damn well know the game table is a ,ython free 4oneE .lobert what does your character doCH .lobert Smith: H% am afraid that % am still lost in my considerations of these damnable drama cards. ,lease e5plain it to me again.H 3e: HLook. %t works like this. The cards let you do things that give a little e5tra 1oomph1 to the game. They help your character to do things they might not be able to do ordinarily. +emember that scene in %N0%'N' F2NES 'N0 T"E L'ST +?S'0E where %ndy shoots through like 9 na4i1sC %f that had been a role)playing game he might have done that by playing a oup 0e -race card... or rolling a heck of a lot of twenties.H .lobert Smith: HSo what your saying is) the %ndiana Fones 3ovies had no scriptsC That Steven Speilberg and -eorge Lucas utili4ed drama dice and d#$1s to make story decisionsCH 3e: HThat1s not what % saidE % said that if the movie had been a role) playing game those events might have happened because of 0rama cards.H .lobert Smith: H.ut it wasn1t a role playing game. %t was a movie.H

!ully e5asperated % turned my attention back to the other players: to El 0isgusto1s random beheadings, to 0eviant .oy1s and 'senath1s hot dry reptile se5, to @easly rusher1s blundering from a Turkish prison to the clutches of an inbred cannibal cult, to Fohnny Tangent...

3e: HSuddenly it is revealed to you that the man behind the madness is that mad scientist from the Nile Empire known only as 1the Electrician1E "e laughs maniacally)H 'senath: H-reat obra ommander impression 'b=.H

Fohnny Tangent: H3y ,aladin draws his sword and says 1None shall pass.1H 3e: H@ith a wave of his hand the Electrician summons a do4en henchmen and gleefully tells you his master plan.H Fohnny Tangent: H.efore he can speak my character shouts 1% don1t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiperE % fart in your general directionE Aour mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberriesE1H 3e: H's % said, the Electrician gleefully tells you his master plan.H Fohnny Tangent: HAou don1t frighten me, Nile Empire pig dogE -o and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly personE % blow my nose at you, so)called Elec)Trician, you and all your silly English /)nig)hts.H 3e: HSighing with disgust the Electrician orders his men to shoot you.H &0ice are rolled*

3e: HThere you have one hit point left. !eel like listening nowCH Fohnny Tangent: H%t1s only a flesh woundEH &3ore dice are rolled, more Duotes are spoken, a character dies* 3e: HThereE ThereE Aou happy nowC Aour paladin is no moreE "e has ceased to beE "e1s e5pired and gone to meet his makerE "e1s a stiffE .ereft of life, he rests in peaceE "is metabolic processes are now historyE "e1s kicked the bucket, he1s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and <oined the choir invisibleEE T"%S %S 'N E() ,'L'0%NEEH Fohnny Tangent: H@hy did you go and kill my character offC That was kind of harshEH 3e: H@hich part of ,ython)free 4one confused you FohnnyC @hich)H El 0isgusto: H3aybe he thought you were talking about your pants.H @easly rusher: H@hy do you keep interruptingC 3ost people don1t like to get cut off.H El 0isgusto: H ut offC @easly ?T 2!!CH

rusher: Hmother.H

El 0isgusto: HStick of ,ainEEEH @easly rusher: HEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEH

Somehow we got past that scene and got the surviving members of the party back together again. ?nfortunately they were on the run from the police thanks to their acts of wanton violence and public

lewdness. 't this point the scenario was in tatters and % could only watch as The ,ossibility @ars became an incoherent clone of a Tarantino 3ovie.

El 0isgusto: H/eep killingE They1ve got to run out of cops sometimeEH 0eviant .oy: HThis is like that movie T"E -ET'@'A.H 'senath: H%1m be /im .assinger.H 0eviant .oy: H% am so 'lec .aldwin.H 'senath: H@ouldn1t it be better if you were /im .assinger and % was 'lec .aldwinCH 0eviant .oy: H% dunno, % still have an impaction from last time...H El 0isgusto: H2h for -od1s sake...H 3e: H an you warn us before you start revealing these little tidbitsC %1d like to at least have a chance to stuff dice in my ears.H @easly rusher: H"ow could % invoke the Everlaw of 2ne on myselfCH

.lobert Smith: HSo, at what point in the film %N0%'N' F2NES 'N0 T"E L'ST +?S'0E would they have used the cardsC .efore or after he fired his gun through the Na4isCH

2f course @easly rusher1s character was the ne5t to die, he1d tried to hide from the police in a bowling alley. "e might have made it if he hadn1t paused to rent shoes. Then .lobert1s character died but since he hadn1t actually done anything yet so no one noticed. 0eviant .oy and 'senath went down together, % guess that1s what they would have

wanted. That left El 0isgusto...

3e: HThe police helicopter lands directly in front of you, blocking your path.H El 0isgusto: H2h reallyC % rev my motorcycle1s engine and <ump over it.H 3e: H@hatCH El 0isgusto: H% leap over the helicopter with my motorcycle.H 3e: H"owC "ow are you going to get airborneCH El 0isgusto: H@ell duhE % use one of the crashed cop cars as a makeshift ramp.H 3e: HAou sure you want to do thisC Aou1d have to roll astronomically well to succeed.H El 0isgusto: HThat1s fine the dice love me tonightEH &0ice are rolled, a game master tries not to laugh* El 0isgusto: HThis can1t happenE % demand a rerollEH 3e: HSorry no do)overs.H El 0isgusto: H.ut my character1s a nin<aEH 3e: H orrection. Aour character was a nin<a. Now he1s confetti, wet red confetti.H El 0isgusto: H-od)0'3N%TE This is all your fault 0eviant .oyEH

0eviant .oy: H@hatC 're you nutsCH El 0isgusto: H% wouldn1t have !?.'+ed my rolls if % wasn1t in<ured. % wouldn1t be in<ured if you hadn1t loaned me those damn Eric Gan Lustbader booksEH .lobert Smith: H@ho is Eric Gan LustbaderCH @easly rusher: HNin<a porn.H

.lobert Smith: H'h.H 3e: HLook El 0isgusto, even for you, you1re not making sense. "ow did reading a nin<a porn novel get you in<uredCH El 0isgusto: H% was reading in bed, and %1d come to one of the more... intense moments. % had a reaction to it and when % tried to... well the activity startled Lamont and he attacked.H @easly rusher: H2wEH

3e: H.ut why)H El 0isgusto: H"e knew that would happenE "e set me upE "e can1t stand that % had a taste of his little cookie before he didEH 'senath: H'ctually 0eviant .oy didn1t know we1d slept together until <ust now.H

There was a long silence after that, a silence punctuated only by the sound of what % was sure was the baby Fesus screaming in absolute horror. 0eviant .oy1s face turned ashen, then red, then ashen again. @hen he spoke his voice was Duaking.

0eviant .oy: H0o you mean to tell me that you1re...

anadianCH

'senath: HAes, yes % am. % told you % was from Shadowed %nnsmouth because % was afraid there would be a stigma.H 0eviant .oy: H'nd you and El 0isgusto... you were loversCH El 0isgusto: H%t was an S ' thing.H Fohnny tangent: H@ow. 0o you know 0eviant .oy that technically you1ve slept with El 0isgustoCH .lobert Smith: H2/ % have one last Duestion about these cards...H

%1m not really sure who threw the first punch and % was too unconscious to see who threw the last punch. 'll % know is that when the dust settled, % never did recover all of my drama cards.

RPG.)*T rant +10 The 7ron" Room In Ryleh

originally posted on $8)7=)#$$= at $K:=7 ,3 @'+N%N-: T"%S 3'A 2!!EN0...S23E2NE. % ,2STE0 T"%S .E '?SE % !EEL -?%LTA T"E 23% 1%N T"E ,%T1 @'S 0EL'AE0. 2NS%0E+ T"%S ' T"'N/ A2? !2+ A2?+ 2NT%N?E0 ,'T%EN E. %n regard to gaming % was like one of the orange blobs in a lava lamp, for a time % would gain buoyancy and float away but again and again % would lose heat and find myself sinking back down to the gaming

table. The last few months of my life had seen much dating, in fact % had been torn between a very pretty and level headed brunette and a deeply disturbed redhead. !or a time % couldn1t decide which of the two % was date e5clusively. Like most men % went with the cra4y redhead and it ended in disaster. ' very se5y disaster but a disaster nonetheless. 3y ego wounded % retreated to the world of bloodthirsty orks and shifty)eyed gnomes. % returned to 0eviant .oy1s apartment.

3E: H@ow what a surprise to find you two being roommates.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H% couldn1t make the rent on this place by myself.H EL 0%S-?ST2: H@ell % had to get the "ell out of my parents1 basement... they had a court order.H 3E: H% see.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H.ut isn1t it kind of awkwardCH

0EG%'NT .2A: H@hy would it beCH F2"NNA T'N-ENT: HAou know this reminds me of an interesting story about parakeet mirrors...H .L2.E+T S3%T": H% think @easly is curious as to why you are no longer disturbed or upset by the fact that your beloved 'senath once impaled herself on El 0isgusto1s flaming manpole.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H@hatC % thought is was <ust his penis.H

EL 0%S-?ST2: H% think we are mature enough to move beyond that.H

0EG%'NT .2A: H%f anything the whole incident has made us closer.H 3E: H@hen % tell my therapist about you guys he <ust doesn1t believe me.H F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H...and no one knows how ,eaches died. @as it natural causes or did the mirror trigger a kind of budgie)buliemaCH .L2.E+T S3%T": H@ell enough about such tawdry matters. "ere is my +%!TS character, he is a @erewolf -litterboy with self esteem issues and a degree in cosmetology.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H'ctually there won1t be a +%!TS game tonight.H 3E: H@hatC @e1d been planning this all weekEH @E'SLA +?S"E+: H3aybe its <ust as well, % heard playing +%!TS causes eye in<uries.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H@ell %1m sorry but % was bar hopping a lot last week and didn1t get a chance to plan anything.H F2"NNA T'N-ENT: HAou know % found this game on the web that combines Gampire L'+,ing with /araoke...H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H@hat1s the webCH

F2"NNA T'N-ENT: HThe world wide web.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H@hatCH

3E: H2h you mean that %nternet thing %1ve read about.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H@hatCH

3E: HAeah, the %nternet... millions of computers talking to each other and e5changing information.H

.L2.E+T S3%T": H% don1t think much of that. %t1ll probably all get shut down in a storm of gnashing teeth and lawsuits.H 3E: HSo let me get this straight. Aou didn1t do an ounce of planning for your game because you were too busy trying to get laidCH 0EG%'NT .2A: H%n a word, yes.H F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H"ow did it goC %1d really like to hear how) 2h lookE Something shinyEH 0EG%'NT .2A: H%1m not having much luck lately bringing ladies home. % think a lot of girls are intimidated by a big dick.H 3E: H@ell you don1t have to introduce them to El 0isgusto.H EL 0%S-?ST2: HAou1re lucky the Stick 2f ,ain is propping up a window.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: HSo what are we supposed to do nowC @e1re all diced up with no place to go.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H@ell luckily El 0isgusto has been working on a 0J0 campaign.H 3E: HEl 0isgusto wants to runCH @E'SLA +?S"E+: HNow % want to run.H

EL 0%S-?ST2: H% got a great idea for a scenario guys.H .L2.E+T S3%T": H% lack enthusiasm. 2ur last scenario involved his holding some Nin<a N, s scabbard while he fought +aistlin.H EL 0%S-?ST2: H%t was all about your characters proving you were worthy to hold Shinobi1s scabbard. ,eople have died for that honor.

.esides this scenario will be very different.H 3E: HAou know 1different1 isn1t the same as 1better1.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H2h come on. @e1re all here rightC @e might as well play rightCH 3E: H!ine. Let me have a copy of the ,layer1s "andbook and %1ll make a character.H F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H,layer1s "andbookC % thought we were playing +%!TSEH

@e each rolled up a character and got to playing. El 0isgusto didn1t railroad as much as shame the players into the scenario. %f any of the players suggested a course of action that differed from what he had planned he would sneer and roll his eyes until you stopped trying. Soon enough we had charted a boat on a course to adventure and humiliation.

@E'SLA tavern.H

+?S"E+: HSure was lucky the way we all met in that

3E: HAeah...H .L2.E+T S3%T": H%t was especially fortuitous that we met that gri44led old man with his map.H 3E: HAeah... especially the way he has hired us to raid the treasures from some high priests temple on an island in the middle of nowhere.H F2"NNA T'N-ENT: HThis whole premise reminds me of every fantasy movie % have ever seen yet it reminds me of none of them.H

3E: HThat1s 0J0 for you.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H3y character pays the cabin boy to keep his silence and then walks to the front of the ship to inhale the fresh sea air.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H% wish we could have found a different ship to charter.H .L2.E+T S3%T": H@hyC This seems to be a very capable crew.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H% <ust don1t understand why this gameworld has sailing vessels where the entire crew are SJ3 and Leather fetishists.H EL 0%S-?ST2: H% got the idea from that guy % work with.H 0EG%'NT .2A: HThat -oodkind guyCH EL 0%S-?ST2: HAeah, Terry.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H"e1s got issues you know.H EL 0%S-?ST2: H.ig time.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: HSigh. an we get back to the game pleaseCH

0EG%'NT .2A: H'fter he1s cleared his pallet my character sniffs his finger.H 3E: H% <ust don1t get you. Aou do nothing but make disparaging remarks about gays, you refused to let a new player <oin the group because you thought he might be gay.H 0EG%'NT .2A: HSoCH 3E: HSo then you go and role)play a character with homose5ual tendencies.H

EL 0%S-?ST2: H"ang on a minute 'b=E 0eviant .oy1s character) /orman of the -ilded odpiece)is many things but he is N2T gayEH 0EG%'NT .2A: H.ut thank -od the cabin boy is.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H're we there yetCH

The sea <ourney was fraught with combat and the occasional random spanking. 's we drew closer the island that was our goal were suffered our most devastating assault and too our first casualty...

3E: H'Dua)Nin<asCH EL 0%S-?ST2: HThe scourge of the seven seas.H 3E: H'Dua)Nin<as riding on the back of a whaleCH EL 0%S-?ST2: HThey demand you surrender and prepare to be boarded.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H0oes this ship even have bootyCH

.L2.E+T S3%T": H0oes the cabin boy countCH 0EG%'NT .2A: H2nly to ten.H F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H3y character puts on his platemail armor and leaps off the ship. @hat are my chances to kill the whale with one blowCH 3E: HAou do know were playing 0J0 rightCH EL 0%S-?ST2: HAour character sinks to the bottom of the ocean like a rock wrapped in another rock.H

F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H.ut % have 79L$$ strengthE 2h wait, that was the game % played in high school. 2h well...H &0ice are rolled* 3E: H!inally they1re all dead.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H%s there a cleric on boardCH

0EG%'NT .2A: HFust put salt water in the wounds.H .L2.E+T S3%T": H2rdinarily % wouldn1t loot the bodies of the dead but since they1re evil alignment and %1m good it1s 2/.H EL 0%S-?ST2: H@hen you pull of their lime green nin<a cowls you see each of them has a face like thisEH 3E: H?h... that1s an Erol 2tus drawing of a deep one.H EL 0%S-?ST2: H'nd that1s what they look like.H 3E: H2/ then.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: HTo the islandEH

F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H@hat about my characterCH EL 0%S-?ST2: H"e1s dead and fish are eating his eyes.H F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H2h. %s it 2/ if % play your playstation and read some comics while listening to your Night +anger albumsCH EL 0%S-?ST2: HSure whatever. Aou1re dead to me now.H

The surviving characters got to the island and set off to find this great treasure for the mysterious old man. 's far as % was concerned we

should have <ust kept the treasure for ourselves but the old man had promised to give us The -raven Eye of Timor for our troubles and what +ole),layer worth his salt wouldn1t want one of thoseC

@E'SLA

+?S"E+: H.oy the buildings here are weird looking.H

.L2.E+T S3%T": HAes it is almost as thought the architects are not constrained by the laws of our world.H 3E: H%1ve got a bad feeling about this.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H3y character is ready for anything.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H@ith a codpiece like that %1m not surprised.H

F2"NNA T'N-ENT: H@hy do they call it a codpieceC There are no fish in it.H EGE+A2NE ELSE: HShut)upEH EL 0%S-?ST2: HAour goal is in sight. The -reat +epository stands apart from all the other strange buildings yet it blends in as well. /ind of like a nin<a in 'mish country. The -reat +epository is 7$$ feet tall and shaped kind of like the +oman oliseum but its made from greenish rock.N 3E: H@e draw closer.H EL 0%S-?ST2: HThe ground is soft and swampy...H 0EG%'NT .2A: HLike my e5)girlfriends nether regionsEH EL 0%S-?ST2: H-ood one.H .L2.E+T S3%T": H@hy are you two constantly disparaging 'senathC "er only crime was loving too much. "ow can you so loathe a woman

that once surrendered her body to budding insistence of your manhoodsCH 3E: H...must cram dice in ears...H @E'SLA nowCH +?S"E+: H.ut he has a point, why do you guys hate her

0EG%'NT .2A: HShe1s a 7#th level slut and she can turn undead for all % care.H EL 0%S-?ST2: HAeah she1d sleep with anyone... even 'b=.H 3E: H"eyEH .L2.E+T S3%T": H%t is curious though, why is it that when a man has many se5ual partners he is considered a stud but when a woman has a se5ual past she is a slutCH 3E: H-reater men then you have considered that Duestion.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: HLike /evin Smith.H

0EG%'NT .2A: HLook % was <ust done with her 2/CH EL 0%S-?ST2: H.esides a man is like a crossbow and a woman is like a target. ' target doesn1t need to practice.H 3E: HSo what should you little archers practice onCH F2"NNA T'N-ENT: HThe 3E: H@hatCH F2"NNA T'N-ENT: HThat was a great movie.H abin .oyCH

' few random combat encounters later our characters reached the -reat +eceptacle. There were no entrances, windows or secret doors so we got our ropes and grapples. 'nd scaled the walls.

EL 0%S-?ST2: HSuddenly a great roar fills the air. The swampy stench gets worse.H 3E: H% look around to see what it is.H EL 0%S-?ST2: HSuddenly you see this =$$ foot tall figure climbing out of one of the strange towers.H 3E: HThat1s an Erol 2tus drawing of a @E'SLA +?S"E+: H@e1re on +ylehCH thulhuEH

.L2.E+T S3%T": HThat e5plains the lime green nin<as. %t all makes sense now.H 3E: HNo it doesn1t. So let me get this straight)you1re using the first edition 0E%T%ES 'N0 0E3%-20S as a monster manualCH EL 0%S-?ST2: HAep.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H'nd we1re <ust hanging here >$ feet in the air like a string of meaty benwa ballsEH 3E: H'nd Lovecraft thought he knew soul blasting horror...H 0EG%'NT .2A: H@e climb fasterEH &0esperate and angry die rolls follow*

@E'SLA

+?S"E+: H"ow did earwa5 get on my d#$CH

EL 0%S-?ST2: HAou all reach the top. The rim of the -reat +eceptacle is about then feet across. The interior is hallowed out and murky.H 3E: HLike your skullCH EL 0%S-?ST2: H areful or you1ll have to save Gs slapEH @E'SLA +?S"E+: H"e1s plodding closer.H

.L2.E+T S3%T": H@hat are we going to doCH EL 0%S-?ST2: H,lod. ,lod. ,lod. ,lod. ,lod.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H@e must climb down into the interior of the building.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: H% anchor the rope and start climbingEH

EL 0%S-?ST2: HAou each reach the bottom before he can see you. Aou find yourselves ankle deep in filthy water.H .L2.E+T S3%T": H3y dwarf weeps with relief.H EL 0%S-?ST2: H,lod. ,lod. ,lod. ,lod. ,lod. The floor shakes under your feet. ' black shadow falls across the bowl)shaped building.H @E'SLA +?S"E+: HBuick hide.H

3E: H0id you say bowl)shapedCH EL 0%S-?ST2: HAes.H 0EG%'NT .2A: H@hat1s wrong 'b=C Aou1re trembling.H EL 0%S-?ST2: HThe darkness deepens throwing the great old one1s body into silhouette. thulhu is right above you now.H

3E: H3y -od... you1ve outdone yourself El 0isgusto.H .L2.E+T S3%T": H@hat in the name of Timothy .radstreet is going on hereCH 3E: H@e1re in his toilet. @e1re in thulhu1s toilet.H

EL 0%S-?ST2: H-reat thulhu1s gelatinous green buttocks cover the rim of the -reat +eceptacle. Aou hear a nasty slopping sound.H EGE+A2NE ELSE: HN22222222222222222EEEEEEH

% cannot describe what happened ne5t such things cannot be described. There is no language for such abysms of shrieking and immemorial lunacy, such eldritch contractions of play balance, gaming etiDuette and cosmic order. Lets <ust say % never want to hear or read the term 1!lying ,olyps1 again. The ne5t week we all played +%!TS, and <ust in case we wore protective goggles.

RPG.)*T rant +11 The Great Gamma 7orld %eath 2ar&h

originally posted to +,-.net on $=)$8)#$$P, $7:>$ ,3 @'+N%N-: T"%S 3'A N2T .E 'S !?NNA 'S 3A 2L0E+ ,2STS 'N0 % 3'A "'GE .E 23E ' .L2'TE0 %NTE+NET ,SE?02) ELE.+%TA. .?T %N "2N2+ 2! T"E 23% 1%N T"E ,%T1 L223%N- ,+E3E+E % S"'+E @%T" A2? T"%S L%TTLE T'LE "2 / !?LL 2! 3?T'NTS 'N0 .'0 L'N-?'-E.

% thought it would be prefect. 3y five least incident)prone players were with me: @easly rusher, 0eviant .oy, 2l1 Aellowbelly, .lobert Smith and +ehab .oy &!ormerly the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound*. @e were gathered together at 0eviant .oy1s apartment. !or a time 0eviant .oy and El 0isgusto had been roommates but El 0isgusto had found cheaper digs by moving in with a commune of Star Trek Live 'ction +ole ,layers. @e didn1t know what went on at that strangely painted farm house but it was very immersive ) in the worst sense of the word. @ith El 0isgusto gone &save for the slight odor of unwashed men1s underwear that seemed to still hover in the air at times* it gave me a chance to try my hand at some 1nin<a)free1 campaigns. 'nd the game we were running tonight was one % had a wanted to run for a long time.

.lobert Smith: H-amma @orld, how delightfulEH 3e: H!irst edition too.H @easly rusher: H% remember % used to have a copy of that. % was going to run it but % loaned the rules to ,sycho 0ave and he sold them to the used book store...H 2l1 Aellowbelly: HAou mean 3%L0E@1S ?SE0 .22/SCH @easly rusher: HAeah. % always meant to buy them back but by the time %1d gotten caught up with the olumbia .ook and +ecord club someone had snatched it up.H 3e: H% bought this at 3%L0E@1S.H

+ehab .oy: H,sycho 0ave did that to you a lot didn1t heCH @easly rusher: HAeah.H

3e: HSorry @easly.H @easly rusher: HThat1s 2k, at least % still have my copy of 233'N02.H .lobert Smith: HAou can take comfort in that at least.H +ehab .oy: H@ell its like they say +e),ossession is nine tenths of the lawE "a)haEH 3e: H2k then... lets roll up those characters.H A.2+-

' short while later % had five new player characters waiting for me.

@easly rusher: H3y character is a mutated human with heightened intelligence and hemophilia.H .lobert Smith: H3y haracter is a normal human that worships the writings of +oland 0ahl.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H%1m playing a mutated cactus. "is one possession is the little red wagon he sits in. "e moves it with telekinesis.H 3e: H@hy.....CH 2l1 Aellowbelly: H.ecause no one attacks the cactusE %ts brilliantEH 0eviant .oy: H% rolled up a humanoid mutant. "e has si4e reduction, multiple appendages and enlarged appendages. % drew this picture of himC SeeCH

&.rief "orrified ,ause* 3e: H"is name is 10oc ock1CH

0eviant .oy: HAeah he1s like 0octor 2ctopus but he walks around on)H 3e: H% get it.H 0eviant .oy: HThey1re really big and he1s really small and there are eight of them and if he needs a <et boost or distance weapon all he has to do is)H 3e: HNE(TEH +ehab .oy: H% am playing an average looking normal human with average stats and no mutations. "is name is Fohn Eric: 'dventurer.H 3e: HThat1s)H +ehab .oy: H"a)"aE -et itC Fohn)Eric 'dventurerE -et itE -eneric 'dventurerE "a)"aEH 3e: HLet1s get started shall weCH

The scenario % had planned was to be a simple Duest that would introduce the players to the campaign world with little or no real risk. % e5plained that the player characters were all living on a small village called rapsville on the outskirts of a forest. Things were peaceful but that village was woefully short on medical supplies so they sent the player characters out to the .ig ity at the mouth of the river to barter for the needed supplies. Everything was going great until we wrapped up the first combat encounter.

2l1 Aellowbelly: H2h 3y -odE @e all almost diedEH .lobert Smith: H!ighting for our lives against K foot tall rabbits with assault rifles. "ow could the apocalypse bring so much ironyCH 0eviant .oy: HSo much for no one attacks the cactus.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: HThey didn1t, you bastards were using me for coverEH +ehab .oy: H3y character cleans and dresses the bodies all the while singing 13y .unny Galentine1E "a)"aEH 3e: H% thought you said humor was an important step in your +ecovery.H +ehab .oy: H%t is.H 3e: H@ell let me know when it starts.H +ehab .oy: H"a)"aE 'nd they said you were a balding failure with no sense of humorEH 3e: H@hatCH @easly rusher: H3y character tries to stop hemorrhaging.H

0eviant .oy: H3y character tries to help.H @easly rusher: H%f any of your character1s appendages touches me %1ll screamH 3e: H0o you guys make camp for the nightCH 0eviant .oy: HAeah, % think we should. 'nd % think we should reevaluate what we are going to do. @ho has the mapCH

@easly

rusher: H% think my character is using it for a tourniDuet.H

The player characters made camp in the shadows of some ruins, after wringing out the map and drying it they began to make plans.

2l1 Aellowbelly: H% think we should turn back. %t1s not safe here.H +ehab .oy: HAou say that every game.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: HNo % don1tEH @easly rusher: HAou said that the time we played the +2 /A 'N0 .?LL@%N/LE game.H 2l1Aellowbelly: H% was well within my rights that 3r. ,eabody has cra4y eyes.H 0eviant .oy: H@e are on a mission of mercy here. @e can1t be worried about herds of killer rabbits.H .lobert Smith: HLook at the map. %t appears that we are taking the long route to the .ig ity.H @easly rusher: H.ut % thought this was the only road.H

0eviant .oy: HLet me see that map. "ey he1s right, we1re taking the long way around. The <ourney that1s taking us over a week could be done in three days if we <ust cut through here and make a beeline for the .ig ity.H 3e: HSo you want to take a shortcut through the 0esert of 0oomCH ertain

The players briefly talked amongst themselves. %n their whispers % could hear the sound of a campaign falling apart.

0eviant .oy: HAes.H 3e: HLet me say this again, you want to take a shortcut through the 0esert of ertain 0oomC Aou know the part of the map here with all the radiation and bioha4ard symbols on itCH

2nce again the players briefly talked amongst themselves. Subtlety was failing me so as they talked % pointed to the map and made spooky noises.

0eviant .oy: HAes.H 3e: H'll right then is there anything else you would like to do before your characters turn in for the nightC 'fter all you want to wake up bright an early to make your way across the 0esert of ertain 0oom. That1s the 0esert of ertain 0oom.H @easly rusher: H% try not to bleed so much.H

0eviant .oy:H 3y character has some pretty involved grooming rituals he has to go through.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H3y character hides behind a rock.H +ehab .oy: H% lie down ne5t to him so he1s between a +2 / 'N0 ' "'+0 'SEE "a)"aEH .lobert Smith: HAes, my character preaches about the sacred mystery of the Everlasting -obstopper.H

%n the morning the player characters broke camp and made their way into the 0esert of ertain 0oom. Suddenly their chance of combat encounters more then doubled in regularity and ferocity. % thought of all the planned role)playing encounters % had set up for this scenario. % imagined them standing by the side if the road twiddling their thumbs like actors that had never gotten their cues. %t was after a particularly rough fight with some giant tics we took our first casualty.

@easly

rusher: H@ell that1s it, % bled to death.H

0eviant .oy: HThrough the ragged stump at the end of your neck.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H% didn1t think it was possible for a cactus to wet itself.H +ehab .oy: HThe dice are with me tonightEH .lobert Smith: H% take out some pieces of chocolate and start giving the last rites to @easly1s character...H 3e: H"ow do you)H .lobert Smith: H....ody of @onka. 'men.H

% always knew playing +ole ,laying -ames would get me sent to "ell, % had <ust never been sure how and why until that very moment.

@easly

rusher: H an % make a new characterCH

3e: H"ow will you meet the rest of the partyCH

.lobert Smith: H,erhaps he lives here.H 3e: H%n the 0esert of ertain 0oomCH

+ehab .oy: H3aybe he likes beachfront propertyE "a)"aEH 3e: H%1m sorry it <ust doesn1t make any sense.H @easly rusher: HNo that1s ok. % should head home then.H

2l1 Aellowbelly: H?h) %1m your ride home.H @easly rusher: H%1ll walk.H

+ehab .oy: H%t1s snowing) and you know what they say... There1s no business like snow business. "a)"aEH @easly rusher: H%1ll take the bus.H

.lobert Smith: H.ut it is a Sunday night and the last bus has already come and gone like a midseason replacement TG series starring haro and Emmanuel Lewis.H @easly rusher: HThen %1ll hitchhike.H

0eviant .oy: HAou know what could happen to a tender morsel like youCH &.rief "orrified ,ause* 0eviant .oy: H@hatCH 3e: H2k. % will let @easly make a new character if we never speak of that last moment again.H

@easly rolled up a new character with practiced ease while the rest of the part blundered around in the 0esert of ertain 0oom like a rant in search of a punchline. "is character was a normal human with minimal hit points living alone in the middle of a deadly wasteland. %t didn1t make a lick of sense but then what did % knowC % was only the -amemaster.

@easly rusher: H3y character decides to abandoned his diseased sod farm and <oin the party.H +ehab .oy: H@hy would anyone want to farm diseased sodC Sod thatE "a) "aEH .lobert Smith: HThe <oy of finding a new companion has caused me to sing. 2ppmpa Loompa 0oopaty 0oo, %1ve got another hymnal for you. @hat do you do when you1re farming up sod. 's an occupation its certainly odd. @hat if you think)H 0eviant .oy: H% kill him.H

@ell % suppose that was inevitable. There was another pause while .lobert Smith rolled up another character, a boneless mutant goth prostitute named Gespa. She and 0oc ock became fast friends. The rest of the party <ust shuddered, even the cactus. Their trek across the 0esert of ertain doom continued.

3e: H2k what are you doingCH 0eviant .oy: H% scout ahead and search for encounters.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H're you insaneCH

0eviant .oy: H@hatCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: HAou1re L22/%N- for combat encounters.H 0eviant .oy: HNo my character is scouting ahead to make sure we don1t get ambushed.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H.ut by doing that you1re making sure we do get ambushed. Aou1re changing a -3 decision into a player made dice roll.H 0eviant .oy: H"ow would my character know thatC 'nd are you saying that the less you know the safer you areCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: HThat1s the creed % live my life by.H 3e: HSo what do you want to doCH 0eviant .oy: H% go scout ahead.H 2l1Aellowbelly: H% run.H @easly rusher: H'ctually you roll.H

+ehab .oy: H'nd % ruleE "a)"aEH 3e: HSo you1re really breaking off from the partyCH 2l1 Aellowbelly: HAesE % want to liveEH 3e: H2k, and 0eviant .oy % need you to make some rolls.H +ehab .oy: H"e1s rolling and he1s rolling... rollin1 rollin1 rollin1 keep those doggies rollin +awhideE "a)"aEH

So 2l1 Aellowbelly character tried to get back home and the rest of the party soldiered on. 'nother combat broke out and a critical hit took out another player character.

0eviant .oy: HNooooooooooooooEH 3e: HSorry. .ad luck there.H @easly fatal.H rusher: H!or any other character a groin shot wouldn1t be so

.lobert Smith: HGespa sobs wildly and cradles the grisly remains to her bosom.H +ehab .oy: HThat1s not like her to go off all half)cocked like thatE "a) "aEH @easly rusher: H0ude we did that same <oke # rants ago.H

3e: H"eyE No breaking character while breaking character.H 0eviant .oy: H@ell since everyone else got to make a new character can %CH 3e: HSure, but no more of this penis monster stuff.H 0eviant .oy: H"ey, mark my words someday there will be an entire genre of films dealing with tentacle penis monsters.H 3e: H-ive me a break. The day that happens is the day % get porno for free through my phone lines.H

2l1 Aellowbelly: H'm % home yetCH 3e: HLook % told you already, your wagon1s wheel broke running from those ground hogs. you1re stuck.H 2l1 Aellowbelly: H.ut %1m stuck out in the middle of the woodsE "ow will % surviveCH @easly rusher: HAou1re a cactus...H

+ehab .oy: HNo reason to be a prick about itE "a)"aEH 3e: HLet me ask you a Duestion.H +ehab .oy: H's they say in 'laska, 1Eskimo Duestions and % tell you no lies.1 "a)"aEH 3e: H0o you feel that unlicensed pilots should be allowed to fly airplanesCH +ehab .oy: H@hatCH 3e: H% said, do you feel that unlicensed pilots should be allowed to fly airplanesCH +ehab .oy: H2f course not.H 3e: HShould unlicensed doctors be allowed to perform surgery.H +ehab .oy: HNo.H 3e: HThen using that logic maybe you should let people that are !?NNA TELL T"E !? /%N- F2/ESEEE "ow about thatC "a)"aEH

No one was surprised when +ehab .oy stormed out, we tried to get the game going again but suddenly we reali4ed something.

@easly

rusher: H"ey % suddenly reali4ed something.H

2l1 Aellowbelly: HThat you need to go back for the cactusCH @easly rusher: HNo. % <ust reali4ed that no one in the party is from the little village of rapsville. @e have no reason to be on this Duest.H .lobert Smith: H% think +ehab .oy1s character had the map.H 0eviant .oy: HAeah why is my si5)fingered hermaphrodite hereCH 3e: H'nd for that matter why am % hereCH

There wasn1t much of a game left after that but we were pretty much snowed in so we sat up for a little while discussing what went wrong. 'll the players agreed that there should have been some kind of warning that the 0esert of ertain 0oom might be dangerous. The ne5t day % cashed in the -amma @orld books for store credit at 3%L0E@1S and picked up a copy of "'3,%2NS. %t was the same "'3,%2NS book % had loaned to ,sycho 0ave years ago.

RPG.)*T rant +15 The Bad Rifts Pro>e&t

originally posted to +,-.net on $>)##)#$$>, $P:7> '3

@'+N%N-E T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 .?- ,2@0E+ '00% TS, @'%T+ESSES 'N0 L'+,E+S. T"E !2LL2@%N- +,-.NET +'NT S"2?L0 N2T .E +E'0 @"%LE 2,E+'T%N- "E'GA 3' "%NE+A. S23E 2! T"ESE F2/ES '+E F?ST !2+ 3E. @hen % got to 0enny6s .lobert Smith was there waiting for me in a family si4ed booth. ' pile of +%!TS books and notepapers were at his side. % was more than a little surprised to find myself gaming again. %t was the winter of 7887 and while my love life was still a spectacular disaster % was confident that .ill linton was going to win the election this year and that % would never have to hear the term 1,resident .ush1 again.

.lobert Smith: H3uch like the end of the disco era, you1re early.H 3e: H@ell % know how long it can take to set up a ,alladium character so % thought % would get here early.H .lobert Smith: H,lease help yourself to paper and pencils.H 3e: HThanks. So where will we be playingCH .lobert Smith: H"ere.H 3e: H% thought this was <ust some kind of a pre)game get together.H .lobert Smith: H% am afraid not. 3y parents have banned all gaming related activities since % tried to have a Gampire L'+, in the basement.H 3e: H% don1t think ) Aou tried to run a L'+, in your basementCH

.lobert Smith: H@hat better place to evoke the dark mystery of the 3ind1s Eye Theater than a dark underground room reeking of mothballs and an ill)kept furnace. 3y only sin was allowing the event to become too intense. % said time and time again that the players in my dark psychodrama could bring katanas and hatchets but they were only for ornamental purposes.H 3e: H2h no...H .lobert Smith: H%ndeed. ' swordfight at the mouth of my parents basement. "ow sublime.H 3e: H.lobert you should have known something like that would happen. L'+,ers are the cra4y e5)girlfriends of gaming.... and are you sure that having a game at a 0enny1s is a good ideaCH .lobert Smith: H@hy notC 'fter all are not most of the most important events of our lives accompanied by foodCH 3e: H% suppose.H .lobert Smith: HLife is a single serving buffet 'b=, pile your dish high.H

.lobert could be pretty deep for a guy wearing a frilled shirt, leather pants and a paisley vest. % put together a character, % decided to play a mostly regular <oe who got swept into the cra4y +%!TS multiverse. 0eviant .oy was the ne5t to show up, he brought with him a longhaired kid with a sleepy disposition.

3e: H"ey long time no see.H 0eviant .oy: H% thought you were done with gaming.H 3e: H@ell after my adventures % think % can kick back and en<oy a game now.H

0eviant .oy: HAou1ve been having adventuresCH 3e: H2h, %1ve had adventures. %1d tell you about them but % wouldn1t want to blow your tiny little mind.H .lobert Smith: H@ow.H

'ctually %1d spent most of my summer playing ST'+!L%-"T on my Sega -enesis but % damned if %1d tell them that.

0eviant .oy: H'nd this is my new roommate ollateral 0arren: HAo.H .lobert Smith: HSurely not T"E ollateral 0arren: HAo.H

ollateral 0arren.H

ollateral 0arrenCH

ollateral 0arren was another local legend. "is specialty was destroying role playing games with point based character generation systems. %n don1t think he did it on purpose but he was one of those people with a genius that bordered on madness. "is nickname was based on his famous "'3,%2NS character 1 ollateral 0amage1 ) a super hero whose special power was the ability to make hostages e5plode.

3e: H%s this everyoneCH .lobert Smith: H@easly has yet to arrive.H 0eviant .oy: HAou invited @easlyC "ow could youCH

.lobert Smith: H.ut you never had ob<ections to @easly1s presence before.H 0eviant .oy: H.ut @esley is letting El 0isgusto crash with himEH 3e: H'nd the most dangerous place in the world is between El 0isgusto and a game.H ollateral 0arren: H%sn1t he that kid that smells like breaded fishCH

' few minutes later @easly and El 0isgusto showed up, it suddenly became very crowded in that family si4ed booth.

@easly: H"ey all.H El 0isgusto: H"ey its 'b=, % thought my failure sense was tingling.H 3e: H@hat1s with the attitudeC % haven1t seen you in months.H El 0isgusto: H'ttitudeC Aou try getting fired from your <ob and then having to spend the last few months on the run, a fugitive from a do4en credit card companies and a <ury duty summons and see how sunny your disposition isEH .lobert Smith: H@hy did you get firedCH 0eviant .oy: H.ecause his bosses found out he was going commando under his huck E heese costume.H 3e: H@hatCH ollateral 0arren: H% was shocked to find out the in a costume too.H huckster was a guy

.lobert Smith: H ould % please have everyone1s character sheetsCH

@easly: H% decided to make a Techno @i4ard. % call him 3erle 2wen.H .lobert Smith: H% have always felt that every time a pun like that is made somewhere in the world a nerd dies.H ollateral 0arren: H% was born to play a Fuicer, this one happens to be named /arl.H 0eviant .oy: H3y character is a former 3arkham.H oalition .org named 3onte

3e: H@ow and people say % make obscure references. That1s like a 8 on the 0ennis 3iller scale.H 0eviant .oy: H%t can1t be you every time.H El 0isgusto: H% am playing a ra4y called !uckyouupforlife)san. "e1s so cra4y he thinks he1s a nin<a.H 3e: HAou playing him as yourselfCH El 0isgusto: HAou1re cruising for a helping of chicken fried whoopass.H .lobert Smith: H'nd your character 'b=C.H 3e: H% made a mildly psychic +ogue Scholar. "is name is +e5 onnor.H

El 0isgusto: H2h man that has sucks written all over it. %s sucks like the watermark on you paper or something because damn if it always doesn1t come through.H 3e: H@ill you back offCH ollateral 0arren: H%f you two guys hate each other so much why do you game togetherCH

3e: H%t1s a funny story 0arren. Aou see when % was a young boy walking along the beach in Lake -eorge % came upon something shiny half buried in the sand. % dug it up and it was a lamp like from 'laddin.H @easly: H?hhhh...CH 3e: HSo % rubbed the lamp and out pops this cut rate genieE "e said to me 1Since % am a cut rate genie % can only grant you one wish. Tell me 'b= would you like a million dollars or a giant dickC1H 0eviant .oy: H"e1s finally snapped.H 3e: H% thought for a long time and since %1ve never been a monetary kind of guy % said. 1%1d like a giant dick.1 The genie and his lamp disappeared in a puff of smoke. The very ne5t day % met El 0isgusto.H El 0isgusto: H"ey if % wanted a pointless humorless story that drags on forever %1d read a @hite @olf novelEH .lobert Smith: H,erhaps now we should begin the game. 2ur story begins on the borders of oalition territory and a desert wasteland in a) H

The waitress approached, she was very good looking, dark hair, dark eyes and a name tag that read 1S'31. She obviously disliked us immediately, that somehow made her all the more alluring.

Sam: HAou guys ready to orderC 2ur soups for the day are)H ollateral 0arren: H"ey lady, if we want soup we will ask for it. Fust because your company owns stock in a soup concern doesn1t mean they can shove it down our throats.H @easly rusher: H"ey. Soup is good food.H

ollateral 0arren: HNo man, soup is gravy with shrapnel in it.H 0eviant .oy: H.ut ironically enough you love chili.H ollateral 0arren: H hili is @'+"'33E+ !'NT'SA +2LE ,L'A, soup is 0J0.H .lobert Smith: H% don1t think % have ever had my ringpiece blown out by a game of 0J0.H 3e: H@ell you are fairly new to the 'lbany gaming scene. -ive it time.H Sam: H@ould somebody please order somethingCH .lobert Smith: H3y pallet desires pie but what kind of pieC The patriotic fervor of appleC The esoteric revelations of blueberryC ,erhaps the 2ctober dream that is pumpkinC 2r perhaps the culinary dichotomy known as rhubarbC 2r even)H 3e: H!or hrist1s sake <ust order some cheesecakeEH apitalEH

.lobert Smith: H apital ideaE

Sam: H2ne cheesecake. @hat would you like to drinkCH .lobert Smith: H3ilk.H Sam: HNe5t.H El 0isgusto: H,atty melt with an e5tra side order of fries. -ot any 3ountain 0ewCH Sam: H@e have O?,.H El 0isgusto: HSheesh, well % guess you don1t then. %1ll have an orange soda.H

Sam: H2k and youCH @easly rusher: HFust a water please.H

Sam: H-reat. Ne5tCH 0eviant .oy: H' salad for me. %1m watching my physiDue... if you wanna help <ust let me know.H Sam: HNot a chance. To drinkCH 0eviant .oy: H' chocolate shake.H Sam: H@hatever. 're you ready to orderCH ollateral 0arren: H@hat are your soups todayCH Sam: HSigh. 3inestrone and cream of mushroom.H ollateral 0arren: H0o you have any %talian @edding soupCH Sam: H@e have minestrone and cream of mushroom.H ollateral 0arren: H're you sureC an you checkCH

Sam: H'll we have is minestrone and cream of mushroom soup.H ollateral 0arren: HThen %1ll have the turkey club and some iced tea but no ice in the iced tea.H Sam: H!ine. 'nd youCH 3e: H@ell % would like a burger, fries and a large coke.H Sam: H0one.H

3e: HThank you Samantha.H Sam: H@hatC @hat did you call meCH 3e: HSamanthaCH Sam: H3y name is Sam you little freak. an1t you readCH

3e: H@ell Sam is short for Samantha.. isn1t itCH Sam: H@ho are you the fucking nickname policeCH 3e: H% didn1t mean to offend. @hat is it short forCH Sam: H3y name is Sam, <ust Sam to youEH 3e: HSorry...H

The waitress stormed off. % sat there blushing madly, staring at the table listening to the guys sitting around me choking back giggles. % knew that the first one of them to crack a <oke would be destined to become my enemy for life and that someday we would have to fight to the death in a sinking ship with flaming shovels.

El 0isgusto: H3an you1re like not going to get laid ever are youCH

@ell that came as no surprise to anyone did itC 2nce everyone else had stopped laughing we got started.

.lobert Smith: H2ur story begins on the borders of and a desert wasteland in a) H @easly

oalition territory

rusher: H an you back upC % mean % skimmed the +%!TS book

but % don1t really have a good grasp of what the world is like.H El 0isgusto: %t1s got nin<as and robots what more do you need to knowCH ollateral 0arren: H%f +onnie Fames 0io and ,iers 'nthony wrote a role playing game it would be +%!TS.H .lobert Smith: H%t is all that and none of it. +%!TS is a world beset by strange magic and mad science, an apocalypse and a rebirth, a reality where cliches from a do4en different genres make war and love beneath against a backdrop of metate5ual fan fiction.H @easly rusher: H2h...H

El 0isgusto: H%f /evin Siembieda were here he1d slap your fat face.H .lobert Smith: H.e that as it may our story begins on the border of oalition territory)H @easly rusher: H oalitionCH

0eviant .oy: H+epublicans with power armor, <ust roll with it.H .lobert Smith: H)on the border of oalition territory and a desert wasteland in a strange city known only as The %nter4one. lusters of minarets and skyscrapers cast the narrow streets into shadow. 't the heart of the city, in a disused park is the ba4aar, where anything can be bought. This is where each of your player characters find themselves. @hy do they find themselves in this e5otic and inviting placeC The reasons are contained in these envelopes drawn at random.H 3e: H+andom plot hook generationC @ell %1ll try anything once...H

's we were opening our envelopes our food arrived.

Sam: H@ater for you.H @easly rusher: HThanks. This is a clean glass isn1t itCH

Sam: HAes. "ere1s your cheesecake.H .lobert Smith: H"ow sublime. ,lease allow me to place an order for my second piece now.H Sam: HAour turkey club and ice tea without ice.H ollateral 0arren: H@as this turkey freshCH Sam: H0enny1s is dedicated to bringing you fine Duality foods at great prices. Aour patty melt, fries and orange drink.H El 0isgusto: H% didn1t order an orange drink % ordered an orange soda.H Sam: H%s there a differenceCH El 0isgusto: H%s there a difference between a magic user and an illusionistCH Sam: H%s there a differenceCH El 0isgusto: H@ell % guess when you see your tip you1ll know won1t youCH Sam: H2ne salad and one chocolate shake.H 0eviant .oy: HThanks. Aou know you should smile more. % mean you1ve got the body of a #$ year old but when you frown its like you1ve got the face of a =$ year old.H Sam: H-ood thing you sat in my section, % might never have known.H

0eviant .oy: H"ey %1m a full service kind of guy.H Sam: H'nd lastly we have the open face meat loaf sandwich with e5tra cole slaw and a diet !resca.H 3e: H?hm... didn1t % order the hamburger platterCH Sam: H0id % bring you the hamburger platterCH 3e: HNo... but % did order it.H Sam: HNo you didn1t. Aou asked for the open face meatloaf sandwich.H 3e: H.ut...H Sam: H% remember because % thought you were a meat head and you asked for a meat loaf sandwich. %t stuck me as kind of funny.H El 0isgusto: H% love observational humor...H

@ith that the waitress left. The open faced meatloaf sandwich was fine but to this day the taste of humiliation reminds me of the taste of diet !resca.

ollateral 0arren: HSo the piece of paper in the envelope says that % came here because my character is <aded and wants new e5periences. ool.H 3e: H'nd %1m here looking for 0r. .enway. % want revenge for the illegal operations he performed on me as a childCH .lobert Smith: H's you can see % have drawn a picture to show where the Duestionable orifice was installed.H

0eviant .oy: H'nd my character is here because he is trying to deal with his addiction to... bug powderCH .lobert Smith: H.ug powder is a most potent opiate in this world.H @easly rusher: H'nd my techno)wi4ard is here to hire his services to the highest bidder or the most appropriate N, .H El 0isgusto: H2k this is bullshit. 3y character is here because he killed his wife trying to shoot a glass off he headC No. Not happening.H .lobert Smith: H%t is <ust a simple background story to allow you easier integration into the campaign.H El 0isgusto: H"elloC StupidE %1m a nin<a and nin<as don1t miss.H 3e: HTell that to @easly1s toilet seat...H El 0isgusto: H@hatCH @easly: H,leaseE % said nothingEH

.lobert pressed on, managing to get the party together and on their way to their first mission by the time he was on his third piece of cheesecake. @e were contracted by hirsute and transgendered 0r. .enway.

@easly rusher: MSo this is a cabaret with an outpatient surgery centerCN .lobert Smith: MAes. %t is called afe !lesh. 0r. .enway calls you all over to a table and straddles a chair while speaking to you. Aou cannot help but notice the sinewy legs barely contained by silk stockings. T@hat pleasure it is to make all of your acDuaintances.6 0r. .enway says. T'nd at such an opportune time.N

ollateral 0arren: M% ask 0r. .enway if there is anyway % can get unaddicted to bug powder.N .lobert Smith: M0r. .enway6s ruby lips purse beneath a bark goatee.N ollateral 0arren: M?h is that like a yes or a no or a...N El 0isgusto: M'nyone here touches my character and they die.N 0eviant .oy: M"ell with it, my cyborg gets into the mood of the whole thing. %6ll see if any of 0r. .enway6s singing nurses wants to ratchet my nuts.N .lobert Smith: M'll of 0r. .enway6s singing nurses are castratos.N 0eviant .oy: M"ey % love %talian girls.N El 0isgusto: M an we please cut out this nonsense and get on with whatever mission there isCN .lobert Smith: M0r. .enway e5plains that the afe is in dire need of the mutant centipedes that lurk in the wastelands. !rom their poison sacks 0r. .enway is able to create the panacea needed to cure both bug powder addiction and trenchmouth) it is also the special ingredient for their chicken wings. %f you will <ourney into the wastelands and harvest a few of these centipedes 0r. .enway will reward you richly. 0r. .enway asks if you have any Duestions.N 3e: MNow, about this orifice...N

@e all agreed to the mission and as a reward 0r. .enway allowed us to have the run of afe !lesh for the night. 'fter some debauchery described in .lobert1s florid style we were off.

.lobert Smith: H@hile your memories of the evening1s events may be faded and uncertain the truth of what happens lingers on as a tingle in your hypothalamus glands.H @easly rusher: HThat %nter4one is one weird town.H

0eviant .oy: HThis is a lot more interesting than some weird old dungeon crawl.H El 0isgusto: H!igures you1d like it 10ances @ith 3ugwumps1.H .lobert Smith: HSuddenly you are attacked by )H Sam: H"ey. %s there anything else you guys needCH .lobert Smith: HNo, si5 pieces of cheesecake is more than enough.H Sam: H@ell are you guys ready for the checkCH .lobert Smith: H2h not for a few hours yet % think.H

@e watched the waitress storm off.

3e: HShe looked pissed.H ollateral 0arren: H@ho caresCH .lobert Smith: H's % said, you are all attack by mutant brigands.H @easly rusher: HThe very worst kindEH

&2ne long brutal combat later* 3e: H@ow. @e did great. Not a scratch on us.H

@easly rusher: H2ur characters1 love of combat is only eDualed by their love of swimming, bodybuilding and martial arts.H El 0isgusto: H% hang one of the mutant brigands from a cactus and scrawl on his chest with his own blood 1T"EA 0%0N1T L%STEN1H ollateral 0arren: H"ardcoreEH

@e traveled further into the wastelands.

0eviant .oy: M@e park our motorcycles by the run down building.N .lobert Smith: M%nside, among the cobwebs and inches of dusk you old arcade games and episodes of .attlestar -alactica on laserdisk.N ollateral 0arren: MThere is still enough <uice to run these thingsCN .lobert Smith: MSomehow yes.N El 0isgusto: MAou got lucky.N @easly rusher: M%nstead of .attlestar -alactica do they have any old episodes of the 0ungeons and 0ragons cartoonCN

'fter another day on the road day we encountered another group of strangers.

0eviant .oy: H@ho are you peopleCH .lobert Smith: H2ne of them e5plains ) 1This is a Ley Line mon so we be Ley Line @alkers mon.1H 3e: H+astafarian Ley Line @alkersCH

.lobert Smith: H1Aeah mon.1H 3e: HSuddenly those lisping -litter .oys make all the more sense.H @easly rusher: H@hat are they doing out hereCH

.lobert Smith: H1 0on ya be knowin1 dat all the best gan<a grow along da ley lines mon.1H ollateral 0arren: H% kill them and take their stash.H El 0isgusto: H"ardcoreEH Sam: M an % get anything else for you guysCN ollateral 0arren: MNo we6re fine.N 3e: M-uys maybe she needs to booth for someone else. @e should probably wrap this up.N 0eviant .oy: MThe sun1s not even up yet.N Sam: M"ey baldy. % don6t need you to speak up for me okCN El 0isgusto: M.aldyE She called him baldyEN 3e: M?h, Sam it looks like we got off on the wrong foot here and % ; N Sam: M@rong footC @hat the "ell is that supposed to meanCN 3e: M%... %...N Sam: MThese are orthopedic shoes, they may look funny to you but % wear them because % am on my feet all night dealing with drunks and weirdoes like you. They6re different colors because that was all % could afford. % am here to wait on you not amuse you.N

3e: M@hat the "ell is thisC @hat are you talking aboutC @hen did % end up in a scene from -220!ELL'SCN

The waitress stormed off, she wasn6t cursing under her breath that was for damn sure. El 0isgusto: MAou should totally ask her for her number.N 3e: M2h you6re reveling in this.N El 0isgusto: M+eveling in itC % haven6t been this happy since the /night +ider marathonEN 0eviant .oy: MAou know what your problem is 'b=C Aou don6t use enough hard consonants when talking to girls. -irls get turned on if you do that.N Eventually we got back to the adventure. The deeper we got into the wasteland the stranger the encounters we got were. % am sure .lobert saw them as role playing opportunities, some of the team saw them differently.

.lobert Smith: MThe woman wears a ruined wedding gown and carries a bloodstained parasol, the doll she carries smells vaguely of meat.N El 0isgusto: M% attackEN

!inally, after another hour our characters found themselves at the centipede nesting grounds. Things did not go as well as we hoped.

3e: MAou would think 0r. .enway would have warned us these were giant centipedes.N @easly rusher: M@ell we aren6t dead. @e might still be able to escape.N El 0isgusto: MThey beat us down, tied us up and laid hundreds of eggs in our backs.N 0eviant .oy: M'nd now they6re singing show tunes.N 3e: MThis game has e5terminated all rational thought.N ollateral 0arren: MThere has to be something that can save us.N 3e: MThe policeCN .lobert Smith: MThere are no police in +%!TS.N 3e: MAeah but there is a policeman in 0enny6s and he6s this way.N El 0isgusto: M%f anyone asks my name is %6m 2l6Aellowbelly.N The Nice 2fficer: MEvening gentlemen.N .lobert Smith: M-ood evening.N The Nice 2fficer: M%f % might ask, who is the owner of the blue -remlin with the yellow and red racing stripesCN ollateral 0arren: M"eh. 'ctually those are orellian .lood Stripes. 0on6t they teach you guys anything at the police academyCN The Nice 2fficer: M@ell would you mind telling me why there is a L'@ rocket in the back seatCN ollateral 0arren: M% don6t think that6s any of your business.N

@e managed to get clear as the policeman wrestled to the ground, cuffed him and led him away.

ollateral 0arren

ollateral 0arren: M%t6s diffusedE %t really isE %6m holding it for a friendE %t6s totally a bong...N 0eviant .oy: M% lose more roommates that way.N 3e: M@ell on that note % think we should call it a night.N @easly so.N rusher: MAeah. %6ve got to start my paper route in an hour or

El 0isgusto: M@ell all we have to do now is divide the check up five ways.N @easly rusher: MThat doesn6t make sense.N ollateral

El 0isgusto: M% don6t think we6re going to get any cash out of 0arren do youCN @easly rusher: MAeah but % didn6t order anything.N

El 0isgusto: M2h yeahC 'nd what6s thisCN @easly rusher: M' water.N

El 0isgusto: MThat you ordered. % rest my case.N @easly rusher: M.ut ; N ase.N

El 0isgusto: M%. +est. 3y. @easly rusher: M2k.N

3e: MAou know there are prison bitches with relationships that are more life affirming then the one you two have. Aou guys divvy up the check, % need to use the rest room.N % e5cused myself to the rest room but what % really did was wait for a moment to catch Sam6s attention. % spoke to her by a moment over by the payphones.

Sam: M@hat do you want nowCN 3e: M%6m sorry.N Sam: M@hatCN 3e: M!or whatever it is % somehow did or didn6t do to so drive you cra4y tonight... %6m sorry. % know having us sitting there for five hours must have been a drag.N Sam: M@ell you did frighten off that screaming homeless guy.N 3e: M'pology acceptedCN Sam: MAeah % guess.N 3e: M% think they6re ready for the check.N Sam: M!inallyCN 3e: MAeah finally.N Sam: MAou know you aren6t such a bad guy really... your friends don6t make you look very good though. %6ll go get your check.N

% waited until Sam was out of sight before % punched the air once or

twice. 'll % needed to do now was eat here once a week or so for the ne5t few months and then % might finally get the nerve up to ask her outE %magine my surprise when she came back with a phone number on a slip of paper.

Sam: M.y the way, here.N 3e: M2h. This is...N Sam: M3y brother6s number, he6s into that 0ragons and 0ungeons stuff you guys were playing. "is name is -uido, you might be able to get into one of his games sometime.N 3e: M@ell, thanks. That6s very kind of you.N Sam: M'nd here6s your check.N 3e: M2k %6ll bring it back to the guys.N Sam: M0on6t you knowC They all left.N 3e: M@hatCN Sam: M% guess they all got to arguing over something and they all stormed out.N 3e: M@ell, isn6t that... hmmm... now that we6ve bonded here Sam, do you think you might be able to give me a running startCN Sam: MSorry no.N

So that6s it, % came to play +%!TS but % ended up doing dishes. % suppose there is some kind of poetic metaphor % could make about

that, but lets be honest, that6s more of .lobert6s kind of thing.

RPG.)*T rant+1$ The %?% Session That 2ostly 7asn(t

originally posted to +,-.net on 7#)$O)#$$>, $K:=K '3 @'+N%N-: T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 ,E2,LE T"'T L%/E T2 ST'A 2N T2,% , ,E2,LE T"'T "'TE TA,2S, .E'+S 'N0 0EST+2. 'nother gaming group beckoned but % was reluctant to pull up stakes and start again. % had been to too many new games that turned out to be nothing more than bait and switch events trying to sell me 'mway or religion or both. So that was how % found myself at the apartment 0eviant .oy and ollateral 0arren shared. The walls of their cramped one bedroom apartment were decorated with artwork from the early years of metal and the latter days of porno.

3e: HSo wait. %f there is only one bedroom where does 0arren sleepCH ollateral 0arren: HThe storage room.H 3e: HAou mean the dark little room where the water heater isCH ollateral 0arren: H3y cot fits in there perfectly.H 3e: HFail cells are less cramped and dank than that room is.H ollateral 0arren: H%t works for me.H 3e: HAou1re living like a prisoner.H

0eviant .oy: H"ey man we are all prisoners of our glands.H

% hadn1t run 0J0 in a while and % decided to see if % could get my old campaign up and running again. %n short order .lobert Smith, El 0isgusto, 2ld Aellowbelly and @easly rusher arrived. 0eviant .oy and ollateral 0arren had plenty of soda, chips and dip on hand.

.lobert Smith: H'h 0J0, are you a balm against the cold sting of loneliness or did you in fact create the very isolation we endureCH El 0isgusto: H@e play the game because its fun, end of story.H 3e: HSince when have you ever had fun at a role playing gameC Aou1re always pissed off about something.H El 0isgusto: H% take my pleasures in the little things in life. Like that twitch you developed.H 3e: H% don1t have a twitch.H 2ld Aellowbelly: HAou do.H @easly rusher: HAeah, it happens whenever you hear the word 1nin<a1.H 3e: H-rkEH 0eviant .oy: H@easly, why are you wearing your .urger uniformCH @easly rusher: H% <ust came from work.H lown

0eviant .oy: H@hat1s with the gold fringe on your name tagCH @easly rusher: H% have been promoted to !ry Gat supervisor.H

3e: H ool, must be more money for you. 3aybe you can finally get your own dice.H @easly rusher: H'ctually !ry Gat Supervisor means % <ust work more hours but don1t get any overtime.H 3e: HAou work at a fast food <oint and you1re salariedCH El 0isgusto: HSee that1s why % don1t have a <ob. %t6s my way of sticking it to the man.H 3e: H% never reali4ed being under house arrest was a way of doing that.H ollateral 0arren: H"ey we1ve all been under house arrest once or twice.H 3e: HNo we haven1t.H .lobert Smith: H% was in a diabetic coma once. %t was glorious. % dreamed % was the ghost of Geronica Lake trapped in a toaster oven.H El 0isgusto: HAou1re like a bad acid trip in a paisley vest % swear to -od.H ollateral 0arren: HSpeaking of acid...H 3e: HLook % already said that % will not run 0J0 for people on drugs. 3y game notes are disorgani4ed enough.H 0eviant .oy: H'b= is S222222 conservative.H 3e: H2k... let6s try to get this show on the road. @hat kind of characters are you makingCH @easly rusher: H% am going to make a human fighter named -rog

.radi.H El 0isgusto: H% have a pad of pre)rolled nin<as.H 3e: H-rkEH 2ld Aellowbelly: H% want to be a gnome illusionist who speciali4es in invisibility spells and mime.H 0eviant .oy: H% will be playing a female character and like all women she is a chaotic evil thief.H 3e: H%t1s so good to see you moving on and letting go.H ollateral 0arren: H% want to be an 'nti),aladin with negative five harisma.H 3e: HThat means you character is so physically hideous and social malad<usted that civili4ed society re<ects them utterly.H ollateral 0arren: HThat1s ok because the guy is totally like Tar4an e5cept that he was raised by a tribe of .lack ,uddings. "e carries his adopted family around with him in a specially created bandolier.H 3e: H ould this party be even less cohesiveCH .lobert Smith: H% think you shall find that my character concept will be the glue that helps this party hang together like the heady musk of womanhood clings to the spande5 lining of a lady wrestler1s costume.H 3e: H'nd your character is...H .lobert Smith: H3y character shall be Lord -ustave ourbet, a fighter) magic user of sorts, he is the third son of a noble house. ' social disgrace sent an incredible magnitude has caused him to leave his homeland to seek adventure in a world his pampered life at his parents6 manor barely prepared him for. ,erhaps he will find

redemption, perhaps death. "e would have used his considerable fortune to gather a retinue of adventurers to his side. ,erhaps this might be the genesis of our group.H 3e: HThat... that could work. That could really work.H .lobert Smith: H'nd of course one of the player characters will take the place of my manservant. %t will be their duty to aid and protect my character ) to guard his life and fortune, to make sure his myriad weapons and armor are at the ready, to make certain his precious spellbooks when not in use are sealed in their 3ylar snugs, to lovingly powder his bottom before securing him in his leather diaper and Q7 bonnet of arrow deflection, to make ready the oversi4ed bottles full of milk with a dash of rum and make sure they are served at breast temperature and to make sure that every inch of -ustave1s body is depilated and lotioned.H 3e: H...H 2ld Aellowbelly: H...H El 0isgusto: H% roll to disbelieve.H

%t took some time form them to roll up their characters and pick eDuipment and gods. @e were <ust about ready to start playing when .lobert noticed something...

.lobert Smith: H@e are out of nacho cheese yet chips remain.H ollateral 0arren: H% can go get more.H

ollateral 0arren grabbed the Tupperware container that held the last dregs of nacho cheese and then got up from the table and got on his coat.

3e: H% don1t think this is important, we are about to start playing anyway.H ollateral 0arren: H%t isn1t a problem at all. %1ll be right back from the gas station.H 3e: H-as stationCH

.ut 0arren and his orange Tupperware container were already gone. @e all sat there staring at each other for a moment.

3e: HSo, maybe we can start without him.H El 0isgusto: HNo. Aou can1t <ust start a campaign without a member of the party and then have to <ust bring everyone back up to speed when 0arren gets back. That1s like .abylon > switching commanders in season #. ?tterly bogus.H 2ld Aellowbelly: H.abylon > is a great show.H El 0isgusto: H.abylon > is lame, it rips off the best of Star Trek and the @orst of +obotech.H @easly rusher: HThere is no worst of +obotech, its all great.H

3e: H ome on, let6s <ust get started.H .lobert Smith: HStar Trek is far too +epublican for my tastes in its current incarnation. The old series was about e5ploring the boundaries of space and fornication. The new show is merely the regurgitation of Elitist %mperialist groupthink.H @easly rusher: H%1m sick of Sci !i, % wish they made a 0J0 TG series.H

2ld Aellowbelly: HThey tried already... remember a failed little series called 1@i4ard1s and @arriors1CH El 0isgusto: HThat show had more of a +uneDuest vibe if you ask me.H 0eviant .oy: H3mmmm @itch .ethel was e5treme spankfodder.H El 0isgusto: HAou said the same thing about 0+%G%N- 3%SS 0'%SA.H 0eviant .oy: H'nd....CH 3e: H"ow long is 0arren going to be gone for anywayCH 0eviant .oy: H hill out he1s <ust going down to the gas station around the corner.H @easly rusher: HThe gas stationCH

0eviant .oy: H%t6s a gas station and a convenience store.H 2ld Aellowbelly: H+emember the old days when you <ust got gas at gas stations. Now it seems like you can get almost anything.H .lobert Smith: H% lost my virginity in a .elgian -as station. Even now % become flush with desire at the merest whiff of diesel fuel.H El 0isgusto: H% bet the tire pump never worked right after that.H 3e: HLike % said, we could start the game anytime now. @ho wants to kill some /obold babies for practiceCH

ollateral 0arren returned shortly after with some nacho cheese and a furtive look in his eyes. 't this point in my life % was beyond asking, % was <ust glad that we could get started.

3e: H' plague has ravaged the kingdom...H El 0isgusto: H"ey, did anyone tape this week1s episode of S,' E +'N-E+SCH 2ld Aellowbelly: H%sn1t that show canceledCH 3e: H"ello people, focus.H El 0isgusto: H% can hear you fine. .ackstory blah blah blah. ,remise blah blah blah.H 3e: H' plague has ravaged the kingdom, fast acting and always fatal it has...H @easly rusher: H% don1t understand how any kind of plague could get a foothold in a 0J0 world. % mean there are all kinds of clerics and heal spells and stuff.H .lobert Smith: H' close study of the wilderness and city encounters tables reveals that the average deni4en of a 0J0)esDue world has a P$R chance of being attacked by a wandering monster sometime in his lifetime. 3ostly likely while they are trying to access the privy.H 2ld Aellowbelly: H%s it too late for my character to have a of "oldingCH hamberpot

3e: HEach of you has lost someone you1ve known to the ravages of the plague, yet each of you remains strangely immune to the disease.H .lobert Smith: H2h the heartbreak...H @easly rusher: H"ow cathartic.H

2ld Aellowbelly: H3y character fled the moment someone snee4ed.H

El 0isgusto: H3y character killed his family to save them.H 0eviant .oy: HSince my character is immune he starts telling peasant girls that his smegma has curative properties. %t coats soothes and relieves.N ollateral 0arren: MSince my family are all slimes and <ellies does this really apply to meCN 3e: M3oving forwardSN

Things moved forward slowly, side conversations dominated moved back and forth along the table. Even during combats % found things utterly derailedS

0eviant .oy: MSo the you know who called me yesterday.N @easly rusher: M0id 'merican -ladiators accept your applicationCN

0eviant .oy: MNoE 'senath left a message on my answering machine.N @easly rusher: M@hat did she wantCN

0eviant .oy: MSomething about want to go out to lunch or something. % erased it.N El 0isgusto: M% hope you burned the answering machine <ust to be safe.N 3e: MThe dragon lands in the 0octor @ho style Duarry before you. %t rears up to its full heightSN 0eviant .oy: M0on6t even get me started. She thinks we can still be friends after what she did.N

@easly rusher: M.ut all she did was sleep with El 0isgusto before she ever met you.N 0eviant .oy: ME(' TLAE 'nd she never said anything about it.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M3aybe she thought you might freak out and like break up with her.N ollateral 0arren: M"ey he showed me all the love letters she wrote him, all the gifts and stuff she gave him. ' guy doesn6t need a girl that6s all needy like that.N 3e: M0id % say dragonC % meant dragons.N 0eviant .oy: MLook all % know is now she6s trying to come crawling back to me.N .lobert Smith: M,erhaps she merely wanted to make amends. ,erhaps she has moved on.N 0eviant .oy: M-et real goth)boy. She6s aching for her fi5 of vitamin 0. % bet without me when she parts her legs the thermostat goes off.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M-irls sure are different.N .lobert Smith: M% do wish you would not speak in such a crude an misogynistic manner.N 0eviant .oy: M@hat do you careCN 3e: MS so the five dragons run at the sight of the rampaging tarrasDue.N .lobert Smith: M%t may surprise you to hear this but % am currently dating the lady 'senath and have been for some three weeks.N

0eviant .oy: MSN ollateral 0arren: MAouCN .lobert Smith: M%.N ollateral 0arren: MAou know she doesn6t have a penis rightCN El 0isgusto: MThat makes two of them.N 3e: M0id % mention the tarresDue has rabiesCN @easly rusher: M@e6re out of nacho cheese again.N

ollateral 0arren: M"ang on %6ll get some more. @here6s my sombreroCN 3e: M2h Lord.N

% suppose % could have made more of the fact that 0arren headed out for the gas station in a raincoat and a sombrero but by this point % was too demorali4ed. 3e: M% suppose you guys want to wait for him to get backCN El 0isgusto: M%t6s only fair. @e6re playing at his house for -od6s sake.N .lobert Smith: M0eviant .oy, my old chum. @hy are you <ust sitting there with a Duivering lip and ;N 0eviant .oy: MNo more words. Say no more words or %6ll kill all of you.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M an we talk about stuff out of characterCN 0eviant .oy: M@hy ever be out of characterC %t6s so much nicer in

there. ,layer characters don6t have problems with girlfriends and <obs and a rash that <ust won6t go awaySN @easly rusher: M%t6s ok man we6ve all been there.N

El 0isgusto: M%t6s certainly starting to look that way.N

@henever a fight breaks out % always make sure to protect my first edition copy of T0eities and 0emigods6 first, this day was no e5ception. 0eviant .oy tried to slap both El 0isgusto and .lobert Smith at once but somehow only managed to hit @easly. Eventually cheese. ollateral 0arren found his way back with fresh nacho

ollateral 0arren: M@oah, a fight. 'nd % missed it.N 0eviant .oy: M%6m sorry about that. % kind of lost myself there.N 3e: MNoC +eallyCN @easly rusher: M@here is 2ld AellowbellyCN

.lobert Smith: M"e ran when the fighting started. "e is most likely halfway to ?tica by now.N 3e: M@ell it wasn6t like his character did anything more than hide tonight. Let6s move on without him. The wi4ard that brought the plague on the land was ironically enough its first victim. "eSN ollateral 0arren: M2ld Aellowbelly wouldn6t last five minutes in the marines.N El 0isgusto: M'nd you would know this howCN 3e: MThe @i4ard lived in a manor at the top of the hill. ' vast

sprawling estate that some said was full of treasures from all across the world.N ollateral 0arren: M% almost <oined.N @easly rusher: M'lmostCN

ollateral 0arren: M% think % was too intense for them.N El 0isgusto: MAeah, all those arrests had nothing to do with it.N .lobert Smith: M% must say that % have noticed that you El 0isgusto are in a most acerbic frame of mind today.N El 0isgusto: M%6ve <ust about had it with this stupid town. 2ne of these days %6m going to get that <ob as a professional video game tester.N .lobert Smith: M'lbany is sow that eats its young.N 0eviant .oy: M% hate all of you.N 3e: MAou draw closer to the @i4ard6s manor, you see strange shapes moving past the windows. 're they monsters or ghosts ofSN @easly rusher: M0o we have a marching orderCN

ollateral 0arren: M@hen % get the scratch % want to move to 'laska to live among the gri44ly bears, occasionally % will strap on chainmail armor and cull their numbers with a katana.N 0eviant .oy: MAou6re going to hunt bears with a sword.N ollateral 0arren: M%t seems a lot more sporting that way.N El 0isgusto: M%n a world of stupid things that has got to be the stupidest thing %6ve ever heard.N

0eviant .oy: MThose bears will eat you like !elecia in the final scene of T heerleader strippers6.N ollateral 0arren: M2h give me a break, bears are like si5 hit die creatures.N 3e: M%s anyone paying attention to a damn thing % have to say todayCN El 0isgusto: MLook. 're we at this wi4ard6s manorCN 3e: MAou6re a few yards from the main entrance, if you had been paying attentionSN El 0isgusto: M2k. % pull out that wand of fireball casting we found a while back and lob a few fireballs at the manor.N 3e: M@hatCN El 0isgusto: M%t6s a manor rightC ' big old mansion with a stone foundation at wooden doors and wooden walls and curtains and paintings rightCN 3e: M+ightSN El 0isgusto: M'nd as the manor burns to the ground we6ll pick off the monsters and servants as they come running out.N 3e: M@hat about finding a cure for the plagueCN El 0isgusto: M@ho cares about the plague, it didn6t get us and that means more treasure for everyone.N 3e: MAouS you ruined everything.N El 0isgusto: MThat6s why real adventures take place in a dungeon bitch.N

.efore % could start weeping in earnest there was a knock at the door. 0eviant .oy answered it.

0eviant .oy: M2h hello officers. Nice to see you again.N ,olice 2fficer U7: M@hat did % tell you would happen if % had to come out here again.N 0eviant .oy: M.ut we weren6t playing loud music or L'+,ing.N ,olice 2fficer U#: M@e received a complaint from the -as and -o on the corner. 'pparently your little friend has been stealing cheese.N 3e: M2h % knew it.N ollateral 0arren: M% think you6re mistaken officer. That cheese is complimentary.N ,olice 2fficer U7: MThat cheese is for the nacho bar, you6ve been going there with a bowl and filling up without buying a damn thing.N 3e: MAou whatCN ollateral 0arren: M'gain officer you should check before coming over here and trying to slander me in front of my friends. There is no price on the nacho cheese, there for it is complimentary, there for % can take as much as % want. Fust like sugar packets and napkins at a restaurant.N ,olice 2fficer U#: MThe cheese is for customers who have bought nachos not for people that <ust wander in off the street.N ,olice 2fficer U7: M%n a variety of really poor disguises.N

ollateral 0arren: MLook if you pigs think you can arrest me <ust try. % am sure ; "EA LE--2E ,ut me downEN ,olice 2fficer U7: MAou have the right to remain silent S N ollateral 0arren: MThat goddamn cheese is complimentary % tell youE omplimentaryEN There wasn6t really much of a game after that. 3ainly because % didn6t want to run a fight scene with every monster <ust streaming out of the burning manor, besides % remembered that there were plenty of magic items stored there so we all reali4ed that the surrounding countryside probably ended up being consumed in an e5plosion of mystical hellfire. El 0isgusto wanted to know how many e5perience points that would be but % <ust gave him the finger. 'fter that we all <ust kind of sat around until four in the morning talking about what cartoon characters we6d most like to go out with. 'nd for the record, % chose the .aroness.

RPG.)*T rant +1< The Pre@uel Trilo"y I: The ree! On The Borderlands

originally posted to +,-.net on 7#)#P)#$$O, 7$:#> '3 @'+N%N-: ,+EB?EL T+%L2-%ES '+E +'+ELA 'S 3? " !?N 'S T"E 2+%-%N'LS, ,L?S % F?ST 0+'N/ ' @"2LE 'SE 2! +2.%T?SS%N. %t was the final spring of the +egan administration, a year that brought us the high art of T3ystery Science Theater6 and the unending reign of terror that was T+osanne6. ollege had been kind for me, % had an active social life, an influential place on the college literary maga4ine6s review board and % even went to the occasional class. Everything was

great until my fiancVe left me: it might not have hurt so much if she had left me for someone better but instead she left me for the idea that there simply "'0 to be someone better. % tried to accept her wishes with maturity and dignity but sadly maturity and dignity don6t mi5 well with crying and begging. 2ne of my literary maga4ine pals was named @easly rusher, and after a few months of hanging out on campus he invited me to <oin his weekly 0ungeons and 0ragons game. Now % will admit % was so certain % would never game again that % sold all of my +,- books but the loss of my fiancVe had left me longing for life6s simpler pleasures ; so after % renewed my subscription of F?--S maga4ine and watched every episode of TThe Trial of a Time Lord6 back to back, % decided to <oin @easly6s game. @easly and % carpooled to the game, he gave directions % drove. The house we were going to was on the border between the towns of olonie and @atervliet. The town of @atervliet, New Aork had long been supported by the munitions factory in the heart of the town, a whole community had sprung up around the @atervliet 'rsenal, but as fortunes dwindled and <obs moved elsewhere, the once bustling neighborhoods had begun to dwindle into decrepitude. %n other words, it was kind of a dump. @easly rusher: MThis is the place. Fust park anywhere.N

3e: MThis is like the only house with any lights on, on the whole street. 're all the houses in foreclosureCN @easly rusher: MNo % think some are condemned.N

% parked battered 3onte arlo under a streetlight and followed @easly into the modest two story house. The front door was unlocked but @easly did some kind of coded handshake before actually walking inside. The lower level of the house bare, no furniture, rugs or anything. @easly led me upstairs where % found furnishings, light and

the rest of the gaming group.

@easly

rusher: M@ell 'b=, this is our 0ungeon 3aster ,sycho 0ave.

3e: MNice to meet you.N ,sycho 0ave: M'b=C That isn6t a Teutonic name is itCN 3e: MNo. %6m ,olish and %talian.N ,sycho 0ave: M2hS how unfortunate for you. Still though %6m sure you6re a good worker.N @easly rusher: MThat guy over there with the unnaturally thick moustache is 0eviant .oy.N

% smiled and gave him a thumbs up, 0eviant .oy returned the gesture by raising his right hand to shoulder level with the palm facing inward.

0eviant .oy: MTal.N @easly rusher: MThe fella over there mi5ing drinks is The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound.N 3e: M"owdy.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M"ey welcome to the team. @hat are you drinkingCN 3e: M' soda would be fine.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: MScotch and soda got it.N 3e: MNo <ust soda.N

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M+eallyCN 3e: MAeah.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M@eirdS ok here you go. 2ne soda.N 3e: MAouS you got cigarette ashes in my drinkSN Fohnny Tangent: MAou know in .uffalo they call soda Tpop6.N @easly rusher: M'nd the guy in the Night +anger t)shirt is Fohnny Tangent.N 3e: MNight +anger was a bitchin6 band.N Fohnny tangent: M+eallyC % hate them, % <ust wear the T)shirt to remind me of my character class.N 3e: M@ell look at the time. % should probablySN @easly rusher: M"eyE Aou Fust got here.N

3e: M2h yeah.N

So % found a seat as ,sycho 0ave got his game setup. % took a moment to get acDuainted with my surroundings. The room was very Star Trek intensive, but always with little bits of ,sycho 0ave6s personality peeking through. !or instance there were framed photographs of /irk and Spock all over the walls but most of the pictures were scenes from the original series episode M,atterns of !orceN. Similarly the bookshelves around the room were alternately filled with Star Trek books, role playing games and folios detailing the horrifying air war of the Luftwaffe. The centerpiece of the room however was what % initially took to be a crystal statue representation of Star Trek6s -alileo shuttlecraft. The light seemed to reflect strangely

on the clear glass surfaces and something within those surfaces seemed to be moving.

3e: M're thoseS Sea)3onkeysC ,sycho 0ave: M@e don6t use the term Sea)3onkeys in polite company, the correct term is brine shrimp.N 3e: M% didn6t know they made fish tanks for SeaS % mean brine shrimpS in the shape of Star Trek ships.N ,sycho 0ave: M% had it specially made. % cashed in some saving bonds my grandparents had left for me.N 0eviant .oy: MThe man loves his little fishies.N ,sycho 0ave: MTechnically brine shrimp are branchiopods but % do love the resilience of them. Their eggs can be torn away from their home environment and stored away for years but as soon as the conditions are right they come crashing back to lifeS much like white power in so many ways.N 3e: M?h whatCN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M0on6t let it phase you, but our beloved 0ungeon 3aster is a bit of a white supremacist. "e has been ever since he failed the fireman6s entrance e5am.N 3e: M?h, @hatCN ,sycho 0ave: M'ffirmative action cost me that <ob.N 3e: M@ell look at the timeSN @easly rusher: M@e <ust got hereSN

3e: M0amn it.N

The game started with character generation, % rolled up a simple dwarf fighter for a character and we got started. ,sycho 0ave had <ust started setting the scene when another player showed up. "e was unshaved, dressed in raggedly clothes and smelled strongly of pirogues and cheap aftershave.

Fohnny Tangent: M@hat is that smellC %t reminds me of a fire in a restaurant or clowns crying or something.N 0eviant .oy: MEl 0isgustoE @hat the hell have you gotten yourself intoCN El 0isgusto: M0on6t get in my face syphilis factory. % passed out while cooking and % got kind of saturated.N @easly rusher: MThen why didn6t you <ust change your clothesCN

El 0isgusto: M@ell 0uhE .ecause my parents are on vacation with the dog and my bitch of a 3om didn6t finish folding my laundry before she left.N 3e: M2h.N El 0isgusto: MAou6re in my spot newbie.N 3e: MThis is a couch.N El 0isgusto: MNo newbie. This is a love seat and even if % was not in a splayin6 frame of mind % would now be sitting on a love seat with a dude.N 3e: M%6ll be over here.N

El 0isgusto: M.adass thy name is 0isgustoSN @easly rusher: M'nd that6s the name of his character too.N

3e: MEl 0isgustoCN @easly rusher: MNo .adass.N

El 0isgusto: MLord .aron @hoopass Gon .addass the first.N @easly rusher: M'nd my character is a thief named Nine !ingers +odney.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M3y character is named 0ean and he wields a mythral tankardEN Fohnny Tangent: M'nd %6m playing a fighter.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M,ssstS check your shirt.N Fohnny Tangent: M2hS %6m a bardCN 0eviant .oy: M'nd % am playing a female fighter named 0eb Sonia. She lives by the sword and has vowed she will remain a virgin until a man bests her in single combat.N 3e: M@ell that6s not original but it6s an interesting concept.N 0eviant .oy: M2f course since she has a has tons and tons of anal se5.N harisma 79 that means she

,sycho 0ave: MShall we startC The adventure begins when you all arrive at astellan /eep at the base of the 'ltan Tepe mountains S but Duestion is do you arriveC 0o youC 2nly my ,re)3ountaineering +andom Event -enerator can tell us for sure. ,lease get out a d9 and a d#$.N

% admit this wasn6t the way % was used to playing the game but % felt % had to adapt, after all in the first game % ran we all played 0J0 versions of ourselves. 3y first 0ungeon 3aster had us perform feats of endurance and strength to gauge where we fell in the =)79 range, our onstitution was determined by holding our hand over an open flame. The more seconds you held it, the more points in onstitution you had, but inversely the less @isdom points you had because you were, after all, burning your hand for a stupid game. 0ice were rolled: charts and sub charts were consulted

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M0amn frost weasels, well % am sure my pc didn6t need that hand anyway.N Fohnny Tangent: M!rostbiteC @ow. That reminds me of that movie with /urt +ussell and the shape shifter that turned out to be that old man that was protecting the alien cocoons because he was friends with 3ahoney from the police academy. % wonder how it endedSN 0eviant .oy: M%t sure was lucky for my character to encounter that herd of snow sheep, % like the way my character was able toSN 3e: M,lease for the love of -od don6t describe it again.N @easly rusher: M% am not sure % understand how my character ended up falling through a portal to the Sudetenland. "ow do % get backCN ,sycho 0ave: MAou don6t. Aour character spends his entire life in a strange land he barely understands and dies alone and afraid.N @easly rusher: MSo % <ust sit here thenCN

,sycho 0ave: MBuietly please.N

3e: MSo my character was mugged while walking along a glacier.N ,sycho 0ave: MAou6re lucky that was all the ice negroes did to you.N 3e: M an you please not say crap like thatCN ,sycho 0ave: MSay whatCN 3e: MThat racist stuff. %t6s <ustS creepy.N ,sycho 0ave: M2h %6m sorry % thought we had freedom of speech in this country. % didn6t reali4e that only 2prah and the liberal groupmind could say whatever they wanted.N 3e: MLook it1s <ust mean and it adds nothing to the game.N ,sycho 0ave: M@easly told me you were a writer so % thought you would be open minded.N 3e: M2pen minded to whatCN ,sycho 0ave: MTo differing viewpoints and ideas. % guess none of the stories you write will have characters with non touchy)feely points of view. They6ll probably hold hands and sway while talking about their love for puppies and kittens.N 3e: MLook. %f % ever do write a story that has a character with pre<udiced views % will probably cringe the entire time and then drink a bottle of +obitussin to drown out the shame.N 0eviant .oy: M0on6t worry 'b= once % unlock the secrets of the ?nified ,orn Theory humanity will learn to love each other again and again and again.N El 0isgusto: M.lah blah blah. 3y nin<a makes it to the keep with only a trail of bodies to mark his passing.N

3e: MAou6re playing a nin<aCN El 0isgusto: M% said nin<a didn6t %CN 3e: MAou mean the nin<a from the 0ragon maga4ine article a few years backCN El 0isgusto: MAes.N 3e: M% thought they were only supposed to be used as N, s.N El 0isgusto: M0amn newbie, you <ust don6t know when to Duit do youCN ,sycho 0ave: MEnough of this. Lets all get back to the tales of high adventure ;e5cept you @easly.N

@e spent a few hours having our characters meet up, e5plore the keep and buy new eDuipment. 2ur party decided to try and raid the nearby kobold lairs for easy treasure but first we needed to think about taking some precautions.

3e: MNo % don6t mean those kind of precautions 0eviant .oy.NThe 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M@ell none of us wanted to play a cleric.N El 0isgusto: M.ecause lerics are wussies.N

Fohnny Tangent: M' permE That6s what % need.N 0eviant .oy: M@ell we could hire a cleric, maybe a Gestigial Girgin.N 3e: MThat6s not the wayS never mind. Let6s <ust hire a cleric and get on with it.N 0eviant .oy: MNo wait. @hat6s wrongCN

3e: MNothing really let1s go on.N 0eviant .oy: MAou rolled your eyes, what were you rolling your eyes atCN 3e: MNothing. %t1s <ust that you said TGestigial Girgin6 when the term you were looking for is TGestal Girgin6.N 0eviant .oy: M+eallyC 're you sureCN 3e: MAup. % read it in my local library.N ,sycho 0ave: M2h my -od. Aou go to the L%.+'+ACN 3e: MAes, of course.N ,sycho 0ave: MLibrarians are fascists.N @esley rusher: M2h no. "ere we go.N

3e: MLibrarians are fascists. 2k. Since every moment % spend here % feel a little stupider lets <ust go for it. @hat is wrong with librariesCN El 0isgusto: M@ell duh. They make you get a library card.N 3e: MAes. So you can check out books. @hich is what libraries are. They6re places where you can borrow books for free as long as you have a library card.N Fohnny Tangent: MThey have drinking fountains in libraries.N ,sycho 0ave: M@ell the problem we have with libraries is the whole library card issue.N El 0isgusto: MThey automatically assume you6re a criminal.N 3e: M%6m not understanding this.N

,sycho 0ave: M2k look. The library card is a way they can track you rightCN 3e: MAes so they know where to find you if you don6t return the books you borrow.N ,sycho 0ave: MSo since they make everyone get a library card they6re assuming that everyone that walks into the library is a criminal.N El 0isgusto: MThe honor system should be enough.N 3e: MThe honor systemCN ,sycho 0ave: MThe people that steal books are going to steal books anywaySN El 0isgusto: M@e sure are.N ,sycho 0ave: MSthe only thing a library card does is inconvenience honest people and allow the government to track the number of people reading !anny "ill vs the number of people reading 3ien /ampf.N 3e: M%6m stunned.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M% can6t feel my fingertips. Someone else is going to have to map.N El 0isgusto: MNewbie does it.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: MNewbie does it.N Fohnny Tangent: M"ey %6m wearing a Night +anger T)shirtEN @esley rusher: M% could map.N

,sycho 0ave: MNo you can6t you6re not here.N @esley rusher: M2h.N

So % started mapping, tracking our party and its N, leric as we made our way through li4ard man territory into the aves of haos. Everything went fine until we encountered a certain pit trap.

3e: M2/ the pit sealed up trapping the leric inside, % think we can rescue him if we get some ropes and daggers andSN El 0isgusto: MNo we6re moving on.N 3e: M.utSN El 0isgusto: M!irst of all its an N, and second of all, the it6s heals for the day so who caresCN 3e: M.ut the members of the know what happened.N leric did all

hurch of -. -ordon Liddy will want to

Fohnny Tangent: M.ut there6s treasure and combat awaiting.N 3e: MLook % like to think you would rescue my character if this wasS No, you wouldn6t would youCN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M%t6s every man for himself 'b=.N

The party moved on and % tried to ignore the imaginary cries of the imaginary non player character trapped forever in a make believe pit but sometimes in the dead of night it still haunts me. @e moved on, fighting kobold after kobold until we reached the heart of their lair.

Everyone was diving for treasure, trying out magic items at random.

0eviant .oy: M'll right. @and of wonderE %6ll be playing with this baby all night.N El 0isgusto: M'h a bag of holding. 'll % need to find now is a folding boat and a shambling mound and my mega)weapon will be complete.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M% love mi5ing potions. @hat si4e and alignment am % nowCN Fohnny Tangent: M'll % found was this @and of 2rcus thing. @ho wants to tradeCN 3e: M2k guys % think % found a secret door.N ,sycho 0ave: MGery good roll to unlock itS nice roll 'b=.N 3e: MThanks SN El 0isgusto: M@e shove 'b=6s character through the door first.N 3e: M@hatCN ,sycho 0ave: MAou find yourself alone in a swastika shaped treasure roomSN 3e: M2h look at the timeE % really have to go. %6ve got to get up for church in a few hours.N @esley rusher: M.ut it6s a Tuesday.N

3e: MShut up. @e6re out of here.N

,sycho 0ave walked us down the stairs and through the empty lower level of his house.

,sycho 0ave: M@ell thanks for coming. "ope you had fun and learned something.N @easly rusher: MSame time ne5t week rightCN

,sycho 0ave: M's always.N 3e: M% don6t know if % can be here ne5t week. % mean % used to role play but % <ust don6t think this is the hobby for me any more.N ,sycho 0ave: M2h. % see. @ell it was nice to meet you then.N 3e: MAeah thanks.N

@easly rusher and % made our way out to the car and % thought to myself that it was time to <ump back into the thick of things. %t was time to finish college and get back into the dating world. % certainly didn6t need to be wasting the precious moments of my life doing this any longer. 2h yeah. That6s what % thought but we all know things turned out differently.

RPG.)*T rant +#0 The Pre@uel Trilo"y II: The %ead Guy Gets The PiAAas

originally posted to +,-.net on 7#)#8)#$$O, 77:$O '3 @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- 3'A 2!!EN0 ,E2,LE 2! "2.-2.L%N)

'3E+% 'N "E+%T'-E,

LE+% S 'N0 S"2,,%N-

'+T T"%EGES.

"er name was 3ary, 3ary eleste, and she had alluring eyes, an into5icating figure and a high pitched sDueal of a laugh that could knock birds out of the sky. .ut hey no one6s 7$$R perfect so % asked her out. She agreed, we e5changed numbers and planned to meet for dinner that !riday. % got a new shirt, a new tie and a few dabs of a cologne called T3idnight Surrender6. 2h yeah % was ready. Too bad she never showed up. % waited for about half an hour then called her place with no answer, so % went back to the bar. .y the fourth hour of doing this with still no word from her % began to reali4e that % had been stood up: ironically however % was at that point too damn drunk to stand. Saturday morning % woke up with a bruised ego and a killer hangover but % promised myself that % would find out what went wrong, but first % had to figure out what part of town % was in, who had handcuffed me to the shopping cart and why my underpants were on outside my pants. @hen % called 3ary she apologi4ed profusely and e5plained she had thought the date was for tonight. % told her that was fine by me and % made sure % was back at the restaurant an hour early this time. 's you can imagine the staff was a little surprised to see me again and they made me promise not to engage in any further drunken displays of anger and interpretive dance. % promised. So % stayed alcohol free as one hour of waiting became two and then three. Each time % called her house there was no answer. Suddenly my life had become a -enesis song.

0iscouraged and disheartened % turned to the hardest into5icant % knew for solace) 0ungeons J 0ragons. % found ,sycho 0ave6s house easily and got there <ust in time to re<oin the game. ,sycho 0ave: M@elcome back. The other players have only slightly looted your characters belongings.N 3e: M@ell now that %6m here %6m sure % can get them back.N El 0isgusto: MThe only way your character gets his stuff back from my nin<a is if he can survive the five challenges of death. Those challenges being his fingers curled into a fist.N 3e: M!ine then.N El 0isgusto: M3eaning of course that he could kill you with his bare hands.N 3e: M% got that.N El 0isgusto: M"is. .are. "ands.N 3e: M@hy do you still smell like aftershave and perogiesC "aven6t you changed your clothes since last weekCN El 0isgusto: M% <ust got T,ool of +adiance6 for my 'miga so %6ve been busy.N 3e: MToo busy to change your clothesC Aou can pause those games you know.N El 0isgusto: MThe Duestion for you newbie is will you be able to pause

the bleedingC @ill youCN 3e: M@ow. That is either the worst lint Eastwood or best Snake ,lisken impersonation %6ve ever heard.N ,sycho 0ave: M,lease find a seat so we can get started. @e are going to order some take out later.N 3e: M3ind if % sit hereCN 0eviant .oy: M%t6s a free country.N 3e: MThanks.N 0eviant .oy: M@hat is that cologne you6re wearingCN 3e: M?hm it6s called, T3idnight Surrender6.N 0eviant .oy: M'wesome, you know if % was a chick % would be totally wet for you now.N 3e: M"ey @easlyE 3ind if % sit by youCN

,sycho 0ave had the top off of his crystal shuttlecraftLfish tank: he sprinkled food in to the Sea 3onkeys as he waited for us to get settled down. % noticed there was someone new at the table.

3e: M2h, % don6t think we6ve been introduced.N heating .astard: MNice to meet you. %6m 3e: MThey call me 'b=.N heating .astard.N

El 0isgusto: M.ut do they call you 'b=C 0o they reallyC % doubt it.N 3e: M@hat is your problemCN heating .astard: MEl 0isgusto hasn6t been the same since they canceled that Lee van leef TG series.N 3e: M?hS ok.N El 0isgusto: M.esides one more player means less treasure and glory for the rest of us.N @easly rusher: M.ut there6s strength in numbers.N

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: MAou know what there6s strength inC That mesh they have in the back of the police cars that keeps you from touching the officer.N 3e: MSo, where is Fohnny TangentCN @easly rusher: M@ell the 3onkees came to town on their reunion tour so Fohnny decided to follow them cross country.N 3e: MThat is utterly insaneN ,sycho 0ave: M% thought so too.N 3e: M% mean 3ike Nesmith isn6t even with the touring band.N

The game picked up pretty much where we had left off, deep in the aves of haos, deep in /obold territory.

@easly

rusher: MThis new character of mine is much better then the

old one. %6m glad you found him chained to a wall in the swastika shaped treasure room.N 3e: MAeah and we found new weapons and armor better then the old ones.N heating .astard: M@ho wants a plus one swordC 3y character already has one.N El 0isgusto: M%f it6s not a katana it6s not really a plus anything.N 3e: M"ow did your character start with a plus one sword and 3A -20 look at those statsEN heating .astard: MThank you.N 3e: MEighteen everythingCN heating .astard: MThe dice were kind.N 3e: M%6m speechless.N ,sycho 0ave: MAour characters make your way out of the treasure room back into the dungeon. an % have your marching orders pleaseCN El 0isgusto: MThe newbies go up front. % do my best work in the shadows.N 3e: M% think that6s how you photograph best too.N 0eviant .oy: M% keep both hands on my wand of wonder.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M3y wi4ard ties a rope to his familiar and begins to swing it around like a flail.N

@easly

rusher: MThat poor kitty.N

,sycho 0ave: M' group of kobolds attacks you. Everyone rollSN

The combat was brief but bloody, my dwarf made the best of his combat modifiers, until he was standing atop a mound of dead kobolds his armor and weapons gleaming with the blood of his enemies. heating bastard waded into the mass of the kobold horde, his claymore sweeping aside si5 at a time, those that weren6t cleaved in half were sent crashing into the nearby cave walls. Every once in a while El 0isgusto6s nin<a would leap out of the shadows, miss what he was aiming at and then retreat sneering back into the darkness. Even @easly rusher scored several kills before his sword broke: the blade tumbled free of its hilt, tumbling end over end until it severed the rope tied to the tail of the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound6s cat. Then it was the cat6s turn to go flying through the air and it struck 0eviant .oy6s female human fighter in the back. This in turn caused T0eb Sonia6 to fumble with the wand of wonder and cast a large fireball into the wall that then rebounded back on all of us.

@easly rusher: M@ow that was a lot of damage. % have like one hit point left.N 3e: M'll our treasure melted, all our eDuipment burnedSN El 0isgusto: M"ow could Gon .adass be hurtC "e was in the shadows, you can6t touch a nin<a in the shadows.N ,sycho 0ave: M!ireball spells in enclosed spaces are the great eDuali4er.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M'll my robes and spell books are gone.

0oes my character still have his hip flask of holdingCN ,sycho 0ave: MSorry.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: MThere is no -od.N heating .astard: M@ell at least % and all my eDuipment made their saving throws,N 3e: M% want to use your dice for a day.N heating .astard: MNot a chance. %6ve got them <ust how % like them.N 0eviant .oy: M% still can6t believe that T0eb Sonia6 would have allowed a wand go off prematurely in her hand like that.N 3e: M0o you have se5 on the brain or somethingCN 0eviant .oy: M@ell let me answer that by sayingSN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M2h no, you got him started, someone fi5 me a drinkEN 0eviant .oy: MSit is very simple, % believe if you don6t have se5 on the brain there is something wrong with you. Se5 is the inspiration and end result of all of humanities efforts. @hy do men seek fame and fortuneC To get laid. @hy do professional athletes risk their long term health for the sake of a gameC To get laidC @hy is there any kind of art in the world at allC So doofy guys can get laid. 0esire for se5, fear of se5 and even failure to get se5 is at the heart of everything.N 3e: MThat is a little goofy if you ask me.N El 0isgusto: M%f that6s true then why are any of us here playing role playing gamesC %t6s not going to get any of us laid.N

0eviant .oy: M'h but the reason any of us is here is because we can6t get laid and have nothing better to do.N El 0isgusto: M?p yours. % had a girlfriend.N 3e: M2h come on. AouCN El 0isgusto: MAeah we met in the S ' but % had to let her go. ' stallions6 gotta roam free.N 3e: M2w my brainE 3y beautiful brainEN 0eviant .oy: M% have a theory % am researching, % call it the ?nified ,orn Theory. % believe that if we can create a single erotic image that appeals to everyone it will trigger world peace.N ,sycho 0ave: M%6ve always said that your mind dwells in a realm somewhere between the realms of Larry !lynt and %saac 'simov.N 3e: M'nyone else have any cra4y ideas they6d like to share before we get back to the gameCN 0eviant .oy: MLaugh now but you won6t be laughing in ten years when 'merica is involved in a series of wars across the globe. Aou6ll say to yourself T0amn, that guy with the huge honking Fohnson was rightE6N 3e: MNo % won6t because you6re cra4y.N 0eviant .oy: M'll you have to do is study erotic imagery and it becomes so obvious. Take a look at the porno films being made in Europe and Fapan now. %n the ma<ority of them the money shot is created by the woman bringing the man to clima5 one way or anotherS

3e: M@hy are we having this discussionCN 0eviant .oy: MNow hear me out 'b=S The modern 'merican porno film is a different animal. 3ost of the time it is the man who finishes himself off for the money shot. Now there is so much more going on at the heart of these images than women being sprayed with love gravy. @hy is the 'merican porn film so differentC .ecause these are the subconscious signs of a nation afraid of losing its sovereignty, a nation so unwilling to surrender control of itself that if can6t even bear to see a man surrender control of his veiny)love banger to the actress performing with him in a triple ( rated movie. That my friends is a sign of a nation on the brink.N 3e: M2h. 3y. -od.N @easly rusher: MAou6re lucky. @hen he told us about his theory he had slides.N Some mild shouting from ,sycho 0ave got us back on track, our gravely wounded characters gingerly made their way back out of the dungeon and made camp for the night.

0eviant .oy: M% hope we don6t get any encounters tonight. %f we do were finished.N 3e: MAeah it6s too bad we didn6t leave our cleric to die in a pit trap last session.N El 0isgusto: M%f his god had wanted him to live he would have gotten him out of there.N ,sycho 0ave: M lerics are the red shirts of the 0J0 system. 'lways have been.N

3e: M% don6t think that6s fair.N ,sycho 0ave: MThen why aren6t you playing oneCN 3e: M@ellS % don6t knowSN 0eviant .oy: M%6m hungry. % thought we were getting pi44a.N El 0isgusto: MSounds good to me.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M'nd wingsEN El 0isgusto: MEven better.N ,sycho 0ave: M@ell it6s more e5pensive if we have it delivered, one of you should go get the food.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M@ell % can6t drive, %6m drunk.N ,sycho 0ave: MThe 03 shouldn6t have to drive in these situations.N heating .astard: M@ell % drove in with El 0isgusto.N El 0isgusto: M.ad enough %6m chipping in for pi44a, now way am % wasting gas too.N @easly rusher: M@ell % suppose % could go.N

3e: MNah %6m the new guy. %6ll go.N @easly rusher: MNo. Aou barely know the neighborhood %6ll go.N

3e: MNo really % think ;N El 0isgusto: M@easly6s character has like one hit point rightC % kill him.N

,sycho 0ave: M2/ roll to hit.N 3e: M@aitC @hatCN @easly rusher: M.ut he was almost second levelSN

,sycho 0ave: M@easly your character is dead, since there are no clerics nearby you may add your character sheet to the binder of shame.N 3e: M@hat the "ell <ust happened hereCN El 0isgusto: M%t6s called T0ead guy gets the pi44a6, he was going to slow us down and die anyway so % <ust streamlined things. .esides this way waiting for him won6t slow down play.N heating .astard: MTough break @easly.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: MLater dude. % feel like % hardly knew the character you were playing this session.N 0eviant .oy: MTough breakS again.N @esley rusher: M2h well. Let6s everyone chip in and %6ll head off.N

El 0isgusto: M0idn6t % say T0ead guy -ETS the pi44a6C % know for a fact you6ve got plenty of cash.N @esley rusher: M.ut that6s the money % need to uses to buy my insulin tomorrow.N 3e: MAou know % have a few bucks right hereSN El 0isgusto: M!or -od6s sake am % the only person here that knows

how to be a manC @easly go get the food. Trust me if you are going to let a little thing like diabetes effect your health then you were never meant to live anyway.N @easly rusher: M@ellS ok.N

3e: M@hat e5actly is a .inder of ShameC 'nd why is it so largeCN ,sycho 0ave: MEvery 0J0 game has many binders but each 0J0 game must have a .inder of Shame and a .inder of -lory. The player characters that die heroic deaths are saved forever in the page protectors of the .inder of -lory. The characters that suffer, humiliating, soul)crushing deaths go into the .inder of Shame. %t6s a sign of Duality -3ing to have a .inder of Shame three times the si4e of your .inder of -lory.N 2nce @easly had left on his errand the game was on its way again. 2ur characters made it through the night with only one casualty) that being @easly6s thief. @hen it was my watch % removed the body of Nine !ingers +odney from the tree he had been tied to so El 0isgusto6s nin<a could have shuriken practice and buried him out in the woods. @hen the morning came we discovered we had a visitor.

,sycho 0ave: M'nd the cleric of the hurch of -. -ordon Liddy asks to speak with the party. "e has Duestions.N heating .astard: MSure we6ll tell him whatever he wants to know, after the rest of my team gets some cure light wounds.N El 0isgusto: MAour teamC % though we were going to be !orce @hoopass from -reyhawk.N

3e: M@ouldn6t something like that first entail your character telling us his name.N El 0isgusto: MAou losers don6t deserve to know his nameEN ,sycho 0ave: MThe cleric heals your party and then asks you if about the cleric you hired a few days ago. 'pparently the members of the church are very worried he isn6t going to make it back alive.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M"eh)hehS what clericCN 3e: M0id we even get that cleric6s name before we left him to dieCN 0eviant .oy: M%t was 0erek.N 3e: M0erek the clericCN heating .astard: M% tell this guyS what was his name againCN ,sycho 0ave: M"is name is Eric.N 3e: MEric the clericCN El 0isgusto: M@hy even give N, 6s namesCN heating .astard: M% tell Eric that we sent 0erek ahead to scout for giant turtle eggs and that he should come along with us if he wants to meet him.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M ool we6ve got a new clericEN

'nd so we marched on, making our way back to astellan /eep with what remained of our treasure and our dignity. %magine our surprise when we found a small village of hobgoblins blocking our path.

3e: M%6m <ust thinking we would have noticed something like this the first time through.N heating .astard: M% don6t even think % could fight an entire village of hobgoblins and live.N El 0isgusto: MLooks like %6ll have the cripple the party so % can make my escape. %6ll start with the clericEN

El 0isgusto6s nin<a was in mid)crippling when one of the hobgoblins noticed us an approached. % don6t think Erol 2tis ever imagined hobgoblins like this. ,sycho 0ave: MNow the hobgoblins approached you, speaking in a guttural version of the ommon tongue. Aou can see already that they aren6t wearing armor but are wearing multi)colored fabrics and wide shapeless knit caps on their heads. The lead hobgoblin says, T"ey mon, whatchoo be doin6 wandering around outside of our village monC6N 3e: M+astafarian hobgoblinsC Aou6ve got to be kidding.N ,sycho 0ave: MThe hobgoblin leader continues, T@e don6t want to be fightin6 you nohow mon. @e <ust live here bein6 mellow mon6 and guarding the treasure. "eyE @hy you be crippling that cleric monC6N El 0isgusto: M% give Eric the cleric his leg back and ask the hobgoblin to tell me more about this treasure.N ,sycho 0ave: MThe lead hobgoblin e5plains, T%t be a 0eck of 3any Things. Someone traded it to us for some gan<a and now we charge people one gold piece to draw a card. %t beats workin6 mon.N

3e: M'll right these are mean spirited and hateful stereotypes.N El 0isgusto: M@hat have you got hobgoblins in your family 'b=CN 3e: MNo and that6s not the point the point is that stereotypes are the language of hate.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M'nd 3iller is the champagne of beersEN heating .astard: M% give the hobgoblin chief a gold piece and ask him if % can draw from the deck of many things.N 0eviant .oy: M2h me too.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M3y gold piece is kind of melty.N El 0isgusto: M3e too. 're you going along too 'b=CN 3e: M%6m still kind of upset over these hobgoblins and besides a deck of many things is a party killer.N El 0isgusto: M% knew you6d wussy out.N 3e: M%6m notS oh all right %6m in.N ,sycho 0ave: MThe hobgoblin chief says, T@ell come on then mon.6 'nd he leads you to a hut in the middle of the encampment.N 3e: M@hat about Eric the clericCN ,sycho 0ave: M2h he6s bled out by now.N El 0isgusto: MSome cleric he turned out to be.N

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M"ey someone6s coming up the driveway.N 3e: M2h good that must be)N ,sycho 0ave: MLights outE Everyone DuietEN

'nd with that the lights went out in the room and everyone crouched on the floor.

3e: M@hat the hell is thisCN ,sycho 0ave: M@hispers. 2nly whispers until we hear the knock.N 3e: M%t6s @easly with the pi44a isn6t itCN ,sycho 0ave: M@e can6t be too sure. This isn6tS this isn6t e5actly my house.N 3e: M@ha) whatCN ,sycho 0ave: M% moved out of parents6 house but the whole rent thing didn6t work out for me. Luckily my grandfather had a debilitating stroke and his house has been empty for months while my family argues what to do with it.N 3e: MThey don6t know you6re hereCN ,sycho 0ave: M@ell that would kind of scupper the whole rent)free thing wouldn6t itCN heating .astard: M%t6s @easly.N ,sycho 0ave: M2k get the food and send him home.N

3e: MSend him homeCN El 0isgusto: M"is character is dead what else is he going to doC "ang around and stare moonily into your bald spotCN 3e: M%6m notSN

They got the pi44a and sent @easly rusher home. % once again asked myself what the hell % was doing here. .ad as the dating scene might be at least there % had a chance to get a kiss once in a while. The again with 0eviant .oy you never really could be sure about that either. 2nce we were done eating each member of the party drew a card from the deck of many things.

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M3inus one on all saving throws. That stinks.N heating .astard: M'wesome, a castle of my own and another positive modifier for my diplomacy skill.N 0eviant .oy: M%mprisonedC 0o % at least get a cell mateCN El 0isgusto: M' Pth level fighter for a followerC That sucks. %6m a nin<a) death in black pa<amas. Nin<a6s don6t have followers. "ow many (, do % get if % kill himCN 3e: M'll my magic weapons disappearC @ell % didn6t have any.N ,sycho 0ave: M@ell % think this is as good a place as any to leave off until ne5t week. an everyone be hereCN

heating .astard: M%6ll get here early so % can mock @easly as he rolls up his new character. @e can all hang out at my new castle.N El 0isgusto: M%6ll be here. 0on6t you worry about that.N 0eviant .oy: M's long as we keep getting together on Saturdays %6m good. Fust remember !riday nights are for <ust me, 3r. ,ibbs and inema5 after dark.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M%6m into5icated at the very thought.N ,sycho 0ave: M'nd what about you 'b=CN 3e: M%S %6m not sure. % think we6ll have to play it by ear.N % was determined to make sure % had something better to do, even if it was trolling the singles bars with my non)gaming friend /id Snotrocket. This wasn6t fun, this wasn6t good times: all % was doing was adding another page to my own personal .inder of Shame.

RPG.)*T rant +#1 The Pre@uel Trilo"y III: All 3ands On %e&

originally posted to +,-.net on $#)#9)#$$9, $O:=7 ,3 'TTENT%2N: ,+EB?ELS '+E ?S?'LLA .'0, T"%+0 ,'+TS 2! T+%L2-%ES '+E ?S?'LA .'0 S2 T"%S 3'A .E 02?.%LA ?,SETT%N!2+ S23E ,E2,LE .?T % ,+23%SE T"'T T"%S ,'+T% ?L'+ ,'+T T"+EE @%LL .E +E3'+/'.LA !+EE 2! T"?N0E+023ES, E@2/S 'N0 'L%EN SA3.%2TE %N0? E0 0%S 2 0'N %N-. There is a simple science e5periment we all did in grade school where

you fill a pie tin with water, put some pepper in the water and let it float around a little. Then you get a bar of soap and dip it in one end of the water and the change in surface tension drives all the pepper to the other side. % am sure you remember it. @ell if you can imagine the pie tin of water as a upscale dance club, the pepper as chicks of varying hotness and me as the soap you will have a good idea what the singles scene was like for the @ild 2ne, /id Snotrocket and myself. ,erhaps that was why % found myself deciding to forgo shaking my groove thing on ladies6 night and instead got my dice bag and pencils and headed over to ,sycho 0ave6s. @hen % got there ,sycho 0ave had the top of his shuttlecraft)shaped fishbowl open and he was feeding his little pets. 3e: M"ey 0ave how are the little crittersCN ,sycho 0ave: MThey6re not little critters, they6re .rine Shrimp.N 3e: MSea 3onkeys S.rine Shrimp Swhat6s the differenceCN ,sycho 0ave: M?sing one name instead of the other allows your characters to avoid random limb loss.N @easly rusher: M"e means it. "e really does.N

3e: M"ey @easly, how have you been doingCN @easly rusher: M2k % guess.N

3e: MStill looking for a new collegeCN @easly rusher: M% think %6m going to take a semester or two off and wait for this whole thing to blow over.N

% should take a moment to e5plain that @easly had recently been

e5pelled from college due to a freak accident involving a moped with faulty brakes, a Take .ack The Night rally and an inflatable bath pillow.

heating .astard: M@ho needs collegeC They e5pelled me because % happened to have some test answers hidden in my socks. % mean if cheating is good enough for aptain Fames T /irk then it should be good enough for S?NA 'lbany.N ,sycho 0ave: MTruer words were never spoken. -ive your character >,$$$ e5perience points.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: MSheesh. @ho do % have to screw to get a few levels for my character.N 0eviant .oy: MAou knowSN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M%6ve got maceEN

@e started to get out a dice, pencils and character sheets ready. % noticed that one of our group was missing but before % could comment on it El 0isgusto came trundling up the stairs. "e was sweat stained and streaked with grime.

El 0isgusto: MNot one word.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M@e were <ust wondering what happened. %f you have the flu % could drink to your health.N El 0isgusto: M% never get sick. 3y body is a flawless machine.N 3e: M% dunno it smells like you6re burning oil thereSN El 0isgusto: MShut up newbieE 'nd for your information my parents made me move%nto the basement because they felt the damn dog

needed more room. % hate that dog.N ,sycho 0ave: M% am sure you all remember, e5cept for the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound of course, that we left off last week with you all recovering from your last adventure in the castle owned by heating .astard6s fighter T2laf6.N heating .astard: M'ctually its his summer castle rememberCN ,sycho 0ave: M"ow could % forgetC Now as % said you are all recovering from your in<uries, or waiting for 0eviant .oy6s character T0eb Sonia6 to make her way back to the party.N 3e: M% thought she was imprisoned.N 0eviant .oy: MShe was but ,sycho 0ave and % roleplayed her escape over the phone while % was at work. % wrote up a story about it and made copies for all of you.N El 0isgusto: MAou e5pect me to read something you wroteC 's if Lord .aron @hoopass Gon .addass didn6t loathe the rest of the party enough.N heating .astard: M%6ll <ust file it back here in my folder with these court summonses.N 3e: M@ell % for one look forward to reading this, % think that creative writing is always a ; '''''''-"EEE @hat is thisC @hat is thisCN 0eviant .oy: M2h sorry. That is for my ?nified ,orn Theory pro<ect. % don6t know how it got stapled in there.N 3e: M%t6sS it6sSN 0eviant .oy: MAeah it isn6t Duite perfected yet.N 3e: M%t6s a picture of a green skinned large breasted elf chick dressed

like a

atholic SchoolgirlS and she6s peeing on 3ayor 3c heeseEN

0eviant .oy: MAeah but its missing something isn6t itC 3aybe if it was two elf chicksSN 3e: M%S % can taste bileSN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M0o you have those in wallet si4eCN ,sycho 0ave: M'nd regardless of any of this a slightly more bedraggled than usual 0eb Son<a arrives at 2laf6s summer castle,N 0eviant .oy: M0eb Son<a warmly greets all her old friendsS what was your dwarven fighter6s name again 'b=CN 3e: MThad his name was Thad.N 0eviant .oy: MShe greets 2laf and Thad and the wi4ard 0eanSN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M heersEN 0eviant .oy: MSand Lord .aron @hoopass Gon .adass the first.N El 0isgusto: M%6m a nin<aE "ow did you see meC "ow did you see meC 2ut of character knowledgeEN 3e: MAeah <ust stay behind the tapestries with ,oloniusSN @easly rusher: M% made another thief named @orrellS is he thereCN

,sycho 0ave: MNot yet.N 3e: M"ow did we all get back together again after the 0eck of 3any Things debacleCN heating .astard: M% used some of the wishes from one of my rings of

wishing.N 3e: M2ne of theSCN @easly rusher: M% <ust don6t see why you couldn6t have wished my old character alive again.N El 0isgusto: M.ecause he was lame.N heating .astard: MSorry pal but it was either save your character or have my castle made from pure 'damantium . The choice was obvious.N 3e: MSyou whatCN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M%t6s awesomeS the portcullis goes TShnikE6 and everythingEN ,sycho 0ave: M2ne of your palace guards sounds the alertS a lone rider is approaching.N @easly rusher: M2k my character is ridingSN

,sycho 0ave: MShhhhh. Not yet.N El 0isgusto: M% get ready to backstab whoever it is.N heating .astard: M% call the palace guard to armsEN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M%6m too busy in my room studying up on brewing.N 0eviant .oy: M3y character follows everyone else to the gate to see what the commotion is. She draws her blade, comforted by the rigid steel in her hand.N 3e: M% go along too.N

,sycho 0ave: MThe lone rider draws up to the gateSN @easly rusher: M3y characterSN

,sycho 0ave: MS""""""E The rider has dark curly hair and a prodigious nose, he wears flowing -andalf robes covered with kabbalic symbols. "e says ; T% heard there were adventurers here looking for adventure instead all % see is a bunch of archers and a closed gate. 2yE6N 3eN @hy are you doing a Fackie 3ason impressionC 'nd a bad one at thatCN ,sycho 0ave: MThe lone rider says, T@ho is this Fackie 3ason mashuginaC Never heard of him) should % have heard of him) why would % heard of himC 3y name is 'pollo, 'polllo 0ec. 2yE6N heating .astard: M% ask this eccentric person why he has come seeking The League of 'dventuring 'dventurers.N 3e: M@e have a team name nowCN @easly rusher: M%f they had had one more wish spell we would have had team <ackets.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M'damantium)lines team <ackets. The 4ippers would have gone TShnikE6 and everythingEN ,sycho 0ave: M'pollo 0ec says TThe League of 'dventuring 'dventurers6 what a name % guess that would mean you are up for an adventure. %s adventure what you6re up forC 2yE6N 3e: M,lease stop doing that.N ,sycho 0ave: M0oing whatCN 3e: MEnding every sentence with T2yE6. %t6s anti)Semitic.N

,sycho 0ave: M@hat are you talking about there a no Fews in -reyhawk.N 3e: MThis is a base stereotypeS it you were a Fewish comedian this might be funny but all you6re doing is taking the game to a dark place.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M3an you would6ve flipped out when we met up with that all 0row 3instrel show.N 0eviant .oy: MSmoke breakEN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M%6m with you.N ,sycho 0ave: MTake it outside gentlemen, % don6t want any smoke stains hurting the resale value of this place.N 0eviant .oy: M@hy it belongs to your parents not you.N ,sycho 0ave: MThey6re not gonna live forever are theyCN

0eviant .oy and The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound headed downstairs to smoke. !or a little while it was Duiet, ,sycho 0ave was going over his > pages of critical hit tables, @easly rusher was his newly painted "alfling mini with a palpable aura of anticipation and heating .astard was doodling on the borders of his character sheet. @e would only find out later that he was adding things to his inventory. !inally % said something, % had to.

3e: M,sycho 0ave, % <ust don6t get your racism.N ,sycho 0ave: M@ell what % don6t get is Duotas and special treatment in a country where everyone is supposed to have an eDual chance.N

3e: Those things are because of the discrimination that used to be so prevalent)M ,sycho 0ave: MAesE ?sed to be prevalent) @hy should my people have to pay for the sins of a previous generationC %t6s reverse racism that6s what it isEN 3e: MNo its not.N ,sycho 0ave: M%t6s like how this country is all hot and bothered for # Live rew6s free speech rights but if % try to hold a white power rally at a Star Trek convention suddenly there6s some liberal in a -orn costume kicking me in the testicles.N 3e: MAeah and that6s another thing how can you be racist and a Star Trek fanS Star Trek is all about different races and cultures learning to work together to e5plore space.N ,sycho 0ave: MNo that6s only what stupid people think Star Trek is about.N 3e: M"uhCN ,sycho 0ave: MAes Star Trek is about Star Trek is all about different races and cultures learning to work together to e5plore space under the command of a virile white man. ?nder the command of Fames T /irk all races and cultures know their place. % don6t understand how so many people could have missed such an important part of the series.N 3e: M@ow. ra4y talk off the starboard bow. 'll this because you got passed over to be a firemanCN ,sycho 0ave: MThink about it. Think about how every time we are shown a black admiral or black captain in the series or in the movies they are shown to be blisteringly incompetentC Fim /irk has to ride in to save the day, taking precious time off from spreading he seed to all the lesser races of the gala5y. Take a look at !leet 'dmiral artwright

in Star Trek %G ; T@e can6t survive without the sunE6 "ow stupid can you getCN 3e: M.ut in the Ne5t -enerationSN ,sycho 0ave: M% don6t discuss the Ne5t -enerationS it6s not canon.N 3e: M@hat do you mean it6s a continuation they had .ones and /lingons in it andSN ,sycho 0ave: M%t6s Not. anon.N

'bout this time The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound and 0eviant .oy came back, they were cackling conspiratorially. ' glare and a rattling of dice from ,sycho 0ave got them back to the gaming table and into character. The League of 'dventuring 'dventurers had a dinner meeting with 'pollo 0ec: the Aiddish wi4ard, my character, 0eb, 2laf and 0ean at a sumptuous meal served on adamantium dinnerware that went TShnikE6 at the slightest provocation. Lord .aron @hoopass Gon .addass hid beneath the table, occasionally stealing a dinner roll and cursing at us. @e could only assume @easly6s character was on his way. %t turned out that 'pollo 0ec was in possession of a map that gave the location of five treasure hordes that happened to be nearby. "e promised us an even share of the loot if we helped him. "e also promised to tell the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound6s character of a place where he could get his robes wholesale.

,sycho 0ave: MSo you guys gear up and head out. 'pollo 0ec leads the way on his noble charger.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M3y character asks him what kind of spells he speciali4es in, maybe we could trade a few.N ,sycho 0ave: M"e says to you, T @hat do % look like a spellbook to youC

.uy your spells like everyone else S but % know a scribe who can get you a good rate if you buy in bulk. 2yEN 3e: MSigh.N ,sycho 0ave: MAour party makes surprisingly good time but you have to camp for the night.N El 0isgusto: M% lace my daggers with paraly4ing poison, The ne5t giant beaver that takes a shot at my character is going to be sorry.N heating .astard: M3y character takes first watch.N ,sycho 0ave: MLets roll for random encounters S you are in luck. ' wandering goddess gives you aSN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M' DuestCN El 0isgusto: M' katanaCN 0eviant .oy: M' hand<obCN 3e: MSheesh, why not all of the aboveCN ,sycho 0ave: M"mmmm % like that 'b= % really do. 2k heating .astard you are given a vorpral blade that magically homes in on a particular body part. The goddess Solanas tells you the sword is called T-roinsplitter. There are two sister swords Nadcleaver and ockslayer) perhaps someday you will encounter them.N 3e: MSomewhere !red Saberhagen is weeping.N 0eviant .oy: M% take second watch.N ,sycho 0ave: M2k lets roll for your encounterSN 3e: MAou know <ust because the 0ungeon 3aster6s guide has random

encounter tables doesn6t mean you have to use them for every waking hour of a player character6s life.N ,sycho 0ave: M2h sure you6re not supposed to 'b=. Ne5t thing you know you6ll be telling us that T.%+T" 2! ' N'T%2N6 wasn6t a documentary.N 3e: MSoy.N @easly rusher: M'b= why are you pinching your eyes like thatCN

,sycho 0ave: M0eviant .oy, 0eb Sonia has no encounters during her watch. Ne5t up is the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound during your watch a wandering ,aladin wanders up to the campsite.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M% make sure there are no open containers.N ,sycho 0ave: MThe paladin introduces himself as +ey)-unn, he is old but very noble in bearing. "e asks you if you are The League of 'dventuring 'dventurers.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M% say T"ell yeahE6N ,sycho 0ave: M"e e5plains that he is a knight of the holy order of Lovitar and he would like to know whatever happened to the two clerics you hired to travel with you.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M2hC 2h themC % tell him that we sent them ahead.N ,sycho 0ave: M0o you nowCN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M% mean we left them behind at the castle where its safer.N ,sycho 0ave: M"e asks were the castle is.N

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M% give him directions to the haos.N

aves of

,sycho 0ave: M"e rides off but not before telling you to be careful. "e tells you that groups of looters are rampant in these parts and no one is safe. Now 'b= during your watch your character must make a saving throw versus magic.N 3e: M!or whatCN ,sycho 0ave: M@ho knowsC 3aybe for nothing.N 3e: M!ine.N ,sycho 0ave: M'nd you have rolled a spectacular failure 'b=. Thad the dwarf falls asleep on watch and wakes up to find his head is a giant piece of broccoli.N

% began to laugh hysterically, then % reali4ed he was serious.

3e: M3y head is a whatCN ,sycho 0ave: M' giant piece of broccoli.N 3e: M@hyCN ,sycho 0ave: M%t6s magic.N 3e: M.ut whyC @hat happenedCN ,sycho 0ave: M' spell was cast on you and you failed your save vs. magic.N 3e: M% mean is my head still flesh that looks like a giant piece of

broccoli or is it actual vegetable matter somehow grafted to the flesh of my neckC "ow can % seeC "ow can % breatheCN ,sycho 0ave: Mits magic, % don6t have to e5plain it.N El 0isgusto: MServes you right for falling asleep on watch. % take watch ne5t, making sure to hide in the shadows. % am sure .aron Gon @hoopass and thinking to himself how proud his master sensi would have been if .aron Gon @hoopass hadn6t been forced to kill him.N 0eviant .oy: M2ooooo backstoryEN El 0isgusto: M'nd by forced % mean felt like it.N ,sycho 0ave: M@hile your character is on watch El 0isgusto he spies a halfling approaching the camp.N El 0isgusto: M% throw my dagger at whoever it is.N ,sycho 0ave: M'll right then. @easly, roll to save vs. the paralysis poison on the dagger.N @easly rusher: M.utS butSN

,sycho 0ave: M'h another failed save. @easly6s new character collapses outside the campsite. "is name was @orrel wasn6t itCN @easly rusher: MAes.N

,sycho 0ave: M@ell he only took # points of damage so aside from that and the paralysis he6s doing all right.N El 0isgusto: M% cut a long sturdy branch from one of the trees and tie him to it.N

'nd that was how our part ended up being a dwarven fighter with a piece of broccoli for a head, a chick in a chainmail bikini, two wi4ards, the luckiest fighter in the world and a nin<a brandishing the dreaded halfling on a stick. 'pollo 0ec lead us to the first treasure horde. %t was guarded buy a number of savage hobgoblins that we managed to dispatch with relative ease, many skulls were crushed and even more groins were cleaved. @e were going over the treasure when The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound and 0eviant .oy e5cused themselves again. 0eviant .oy: MSmoke breakEN The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M'll rightEN 3e: M@hen did you start smokingCN 0eviant .oy: M%t6s a very se5y habit. Aou know if a woman blows cigarette smoke in your face it means she wants to bang you.N El 0isgusto: M0oes it matter if it comes out of her mouth or her neckholeCN 0eviant .oy: M.e back in five.N El 0isgusto: M ome on lets go through the treasure.N @easly rusher: M an my character move yetCN

,sycho 0ave: M%t hasn6t been #P hours yet has itCN 3e: M3aybe we shouldn6t be letting the nin<a use a player character on a stick as a hand to hand weapon.N El 0isgusto: MAou think you can stop meS broccoli headCN ,sycho 0ave: M@ell @easly still has almost half his hit points left so he shouldn6t be whining so much.N

heating .astard: M an we <ust divvy up the treasureCN El 0isgusto: MSbroccoli headSN ,sycho 0ave: MSureS you search through the do4ens of treasure chests and loot bags and the only thing of value you find is a single gold nugget.N 3e: M2ne gold nuggetC @e came all this way for one gold nuggetCN heating .astard: M%s it a big gold nuggetCN ,sycho 0ave: M'pollo says T@ell waddya knowE Those monsters must have melted the gold down and sold itC @hoda thunk itC @ell the ne5t location will have more treasure %6m sure. 2yE6N El 0isgusto: MSbroccoli headSN 3e: M!ar be it from me to Duestion the leadership of the League of 'dventuring 'dventurers but maybe this whole mission is a bust. 3aybe we could go back home and see if we can find a way to make my head stop looking like it belongs in a side salad.N heating .astard: MNow come on 'b=. This is 0ungeons and 0ragons in the true -yga5ian tradition. %f they player characters don6t find themselves mutilated, gender swapped and drained of life levels how will they ever know they truly earned that treasureCN 3e: M@hat treasureC Aou mean the nuggetCN

Soon enough 0eviant .oy and the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound returned from their smoke break rela5ed and glassy eyed. 2ur party soldiered on to the second treasure hoard and we found ourselves fighting a small army of orcs. 'gain we defeated them with little difficulty, especially once 'pollo 0ec had summoned a sDuad of elementals to back us up.

@e tended our wounds, or in the case of @easly mourned the loss of fingers and then started divvying up the treasure again.

El 0isgusto: MSbroccoli headSN ,sycho 0ave: MThe treasure chests contain scraps of rusty metal and old clothes but aside from that all you find is a silver nugget.N 3e: M'gain with the nuggetsE 'll we need to do is find a bron4e one and we can have the 0J0 2lympicsSN @easly rusher: M,lease don6t set my character on fire again. ' non flaming halfling does <ust as much blunt damage as a non flaming one.N 0eviant .oy: M"eh. "e said blunt.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M"igh fiveEN El 0isgusto: MSbroccoli headSN heating .astard: M@ell %6m sure the ne5t treasure trove must be the big one.N 3e: M% think we6re getting taken for a ride. %t6s like that old saying. !ool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on meS usS the party.N ,sycho 0ave: M'pollo 0ec saysSN 3e: M@ait a minuteS 'polloS 0ecS 'pollo 0ecS 'pollo 0ecS "olodeckC Aou bastardE 'pollo 0ec my assE @ait till % get my hands on himE % attack the Aiddish wi4ardE S% can6t believe % said thatSN

,sycho 0ave: MGery well roll to hit.N 3e: M"aE ' natural #$EN El 0isgusto: MSbroccoli headSN 3e: M2" S"?T ?,EN ,sycho 0ave: MAou miss.N 3e: M@hatC % rolled a natural #$EN ,sycho 0ave: MAou missed. 'nd suddenly with 'pollo 0ec begins to fly away laughing Semiticly .N 3e: M!ly awayC "e can fly nowC @hat does he have a magic item a flight spellCN ,sycho 0ave: M'nd as he flies away the illusion spells that 'pollo 0ec #$th level %llusionist had been casting fades and you discover that not only has your head not been turned into a piece of broccoli but you also discover that heating .astard has been wielding not a magic sword after all but a club carved from calcified dragon manure and that @easly rusher6s character has been dead for several hours.N @easly rusher: M%S % hardly knew him at all.N

heating .astard: MThanks a lot 'b=.N ,sycho 0ave: MAou also discover that the treasure trove guarded by monsters you were raiding was actually an orphanage for crippled children run by hemophiliac nuns from the order of Lovitar.N 3e: MSand why didn6t we get some saving throws to notice any of thisC !or -od sakes you have bladder control saving throws in this gameEN

,sycho 0ave: M% made your rolls for you. Secret rolls. Aou failed them all.N 3e: M%s this some kind of sick power trip for youC @e6re all <ust puppets you make dance for your amusementCN @easly rusher: M"ow would puppets dance when they have no feetCN

3e: MShut up @easlyEN 0eviant .oy: MSmoke break.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: M all us when the argument is over.N ,sycho 0ave: M"ey %6m here to play a game but %6m not going dumb down and wuss up my game world for a guy that rolls his eyes every time % mention that .ill osby is a tool of the gay Iionist conspiracyEN 3e: MNot only are you a lousy 0ungeon 3aster but you6re cra4ier than a crapfight in a monkey houseEN ,sycho 0ave: M% am not a lousy 0ungeon 3asterEN @easly rusher: M0oes anyone smell smokeCN

The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound and 0eviant .oy came rushing up the stairs. %t turned out that since what they were not e5actly smoking tobacco during their smoke breaks they had decided to go down into the basement instead of outside. 2nce dropped bong later and the woodpile for the disused fireplace was on fire and the flames were slowly spreading. ,sycho 0ave kept a calm head in the crisisS

,sycho 0ave: M3y -odE Save the supplementsEN

'nd so we all grabbed as many books and bo5es as we could carry but for every +?NEB?EST book we saved a copy of S,' E 2,E+' or .22T "%LL was left behind.. @e ran through the smoke and collapsed gasping on the front lawn. !lames were licking at the lower first floor already and the sirens sounded very far away. ,sycho 0ave: M% am S2 grounded.N 3e: MSwhereS where6s6 @easlyCN El 0isgusto: M% thought % stepped on something.N The 'ma4ing .oo4ehound: MThe fireS its like its dancingSN 0eviant .oy: M% can see strippers in the fireS Lets see if we can get a table near the stage.M heating .astard: M% don6t see him.N ,sycho 0ave: M2h my -od. 0o you reali4e what this meansCN

,sycho 0ave got back to his feet and ran back into the building skirting the flames. @e all stared at the house: e5cept for El 0isgusto who cursed at us got into his "ornet and drove off. 2ne minute passed by then two. The flames spread. Suddenly a dark figure darted out of the house, running across the lawn and not stopping until he was standing in the road his hands on his sides trying to stop coughing and catch his breath. The thick smoke had blackened the figure from head to foot there was no mistaking that profile.

3e: M@easlyC @here6s ,sycho 0aveCN @easly: M% thought he was out here with you. % never saw him.N heating .astard: M@hat did he go back in there forCN

Then ,sycho 0ave staggered out of the house, smoke)blinded, his hair and shoulders smoldering, he clutched his precious -alileo shuttlecraft fishbowl to his chest. "e made it all the way down the steps only to trip over the 'ma4ing .oo4ehound as he sat cross legged on the lawn watching the fire. The fishbowl flew from ,sycho 0ave6s hands and he fell face first into 0eviant .oy6s lap. The fishbowl flew end over end through the air. % closed my eyes. % couldn6t bear to look. 'n earth shattering crash filled my ears. % opened my eyes to see that @easly had caught the fishbowl in his outstretch hands. ' few blocks away % could see the real source of the crash. El 0isgusto had tried to cut in front of one of the approaching firetucks with disastrous results. 's far as % was concerned this was the last straw. % was determined to never game with these or any other pack of lunatics and nerds again. -ingerly % pulled ,sycho 0ave away from El 0isgusto, he stared blearily my way but % wasn6t sure he was really seeing me at all, it looked like any moment he might pass out so % made him a pillow from some old issues of 0+'-2N maga4ine.

3e: M,sycho 0aveEN ,sycho 0ave: MShrimp Sout of dangerCN 3e: MAes.N ,sycho 0ave: M% never passed the !ireman6s entrance e5amS @hat did you think of my performanceCN 3e: M,sycho 0aveSN ,sycho 0ave: MAou6ve beenS even with the sniveling and whiningS my

best player.N 13e: M2h -odSN

,sycho 0ave6s fluttered and he fainted away. % cursed under my breathS this was <ust great, now if % Duit his stupid game % would feel guilty. @ell maybe he would let me run something or we could do a super hero game. That might not be too bad. .esides maybe hanging around me could change these misfits and misanthropes. 3aybe for the first time in my life % could be a positive role modelE % looked over to @easly rusher, not sure what we were going to say to the policemen we were surely going to have to e5plain things too. "e raised his hand to wave to me. The -alileo shuttlecraft fishbowl hit the pavement with a wet crash.

RPG.)*T rant+## The :ast Stra4 Trilo"y Part One: 7arhammer The S!oilers Generation originally posted to +,-.net on O)$P)#$$9, $P:>8 ,3 @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- T'LE "'S S,2%LE+S !2+ E+T'%N L'SS% @'+"'33E+ !'NT'SA +2LE,L'A S EN'+%2S. 'LS2 G'0E+ %S L?/E1S !'T"E+, +2SE.?0 @'S "%S SLE0 'N0 T"E 'LLS @E+E 23%N- !+23 %NS%0E T"E "2?SE -uido6s phone number was still in my wallet but % hadn6t used it. There was something about calling up a relative stranger to ask to be invited to their role playing game that <ust made me uncomfortable. !or me it seemed akin to standing on a street corner and asking each of the women that passed you by for a lap dance. Sure, you might get what you were looking for but the odds were you were going to get something a lot worse.

.etter the game you knew than the game you didn6t know. .esides, % had to admit that % was intrigued. @easly rusher was running this game, and none of us had ever known him to run anything. % was curious to see what he could do, % mean he had to have learned something from all those years of being brutali4ed and sidelined. 3y only worry was that he had chosen to run @arhammer !antasy +ole) play. Now don6t get me wrong it was a damn good game but it also boasted what had to be the second most dark and brutal game world % had ever seen. 'nd for the record the most dark and brutal game world % had ever seen was a 0J0 campaign that ,sycho 0ave had run many years ago. !or this game he had created a hybrid damage system that combined the standard 0J0 hit point system with the 'rduin -rimoire critical hit chart and the infamous +olemaster critical damage tables. 'nd he used this table for any kind of in<ury whatsoever for players and N, s alike. %n doing so he created a desolate, blood soaked ruin of a world where carpenters died from complications of bruising their thumbs, people picking at hangnails had their flesh suddenly fall away from their bones in wet red strips and mothers in childbirth freDuently detonated. 'nyway there % was another game, another basement but this time it was the basement of the Smith family. % sat on the comfortable futon admiring the clean well decorated room.

3e: M@ow nice place.N .lobert Smith: MThank you, for some time my parents used this as a recreation room but their advanced age and weak knees have forced them to secede the basement to me much in the same way a freshman girl must secede her pink chiffon dress during the drive

home from the senior prom.N ollateral 0arren: M,roms are nothing more than the result of tu5edo rental stores conspiring with the local school districts to boost their revenue before the summer wedding season.N 3e: MAou know % was going to burst out laughing but then % reali4ed you really believe that. Aou are insane.N

ollateral 0arren: M3ock me all you want but you know that my mother works for the local paper rightC She6s seen the stories about this but the newspapers suppress them for substantial kickbacks from the Tu5edo %lluminati.N 3e: MAeah. +ight. "ey .lobert, you were supposed to show me that trophy you won at the poetry slam.N .lobert Smith: M'h yes but it is on my mother6s bureau. She was so very proud, % feel % have redeemed myself in her eyes after she caught me pilfering her unmentionables for my performance art piece T-ulf @ar -ranny ,anties6. "owever % think this must wait for a different time to view said trophy because once my parents are asleep and % am loathe to rouse them from their little dress rehearsals for death.N 3e: M2h sure % totally understand.N ollateral 0arren: M% wonder where everyone else is.N .lobert Smith: M@easly called to inform me that he was going over a few last minute notes for his game. El 0isgusto should be making his way here from work now but he has many buses and transfers ahead of him. heating .astard is also at work and 0eviant .oy is <ust making his way back from his Saturday afternoon ritual of standing on the street corner and asking random women for lap dances.N

3e: M@hy would he have to do thatC "e told me that last week he scored a threesome with two co)eds.N

There was a knock at the door, .lobert headed upstairs to answer it. @hen he returned El 0isgusto was with him.

ollateral 0arren: M'nd do you know why he scored with those two co) edsC ,ractice. 3anliness is like a bow and arrow, practice is critical.N El 0isgusto: M@rong metal head. 3anliness is like a katana and you6ve got to hone it to a ra4or keen edge.N .lobert Smith: M% have always felt manliness was a dark, cold spring that you can bathe in but never frolic. -od save you if you frolic.N 3e: MAou6re here sooner then we e5pected.N El 0isgusto: MThat6s because % Duit my <ob.N ollateral 0arren: M"ello unemployment office.N El 0isgusto: M%t gives me time to concentrate on myself and more importantly my gaming.N 3e: M0id you ever consider that maybe you might not be in a state of constant financial chaos if you <ust found a <ob you liked and worked at it until you got a raiseC @ould a stable career path be such a bad thingCN El 0isgusto: MLet me ask you a Duestion) how many great player characters have been on stable career pathsC %f given the choice between high adventure or a P$7k what would onan doC .esides if % need money % can <ust sell that .ob /ane original artwork of mine.N 3e: MAou would sell thatC The artwork .ob /ane gave you when you

were a boy and he was your neighborC % would think that sentimental value would keep you from doing something like that.N El 0isgusto: M!or now it stays in my safety deposit bo5.N 3e: M%6d love to see it one day.N heating .astard M-reetings one and all.N .lobert Smith: M% didn6t hear you knock.N heating .astard: MThe door was locked so % broke in.N ollateral 0arren: M% totally respect that.N .lobert Smith: M's always your ability to subvert the presuppositions of property law are only matched by your ability to roll 8 natural #$6s in a row.N heating .astard: M@here6s @easlyC % can6t wait to get started.N El 0isgusto: M@ho caresC The game is gonna suck. There are no nin<as.N .lobert Smith: M' nin<a would by out as out of place in the 3oorcockian kakotopia of @arhammer !antasy +ole ,lay as a kill floor in a day care center.N El 0isgusto: M@ell %6ve been calling him every day this week to try and wear him down. % have to admit he6s got more willpower than % thought, but the fact remains no nin<as eDuals a sucky game.N 3e: MThen why are you hereC El 0isgusto: MNo. @hy are you hereCN 3e: MNoC @hy are you hereCN

El 0isgusto: MNoE @hy are you hereCN 3e: MNo, @hy are you hereCN El 0isgusto: MNo. @hy. 're. Aou. "ereCN .lobert Smith: M%t6s like the Special 2lympics version of T@aiting for -odot6. 'nd me without my camcorder.N 0eviant .oy: M2h yeah. %6ve got to get that back to you. %6m almost done making myS movie.N

@e all looked up to see 0eviant .oy heading down the stairs.

.lobert Smith: M'h you6re here. Now all we need is our gamemaster for the evening.N ollateral 0arren: M@ell %6ve already done my part. % brought liDuid refreshments.N 3e: M.oo4eC Aou brought boo4e to a role playing gameC That6s an invitation to disaster, it6s likeS that6s likeS help me out here .lobertSN .lobert Smith: MLike opening an adult bookstore in %ranCN heating .astard: M0amn he6s good at that.N ollateral 0arren: MThese alcoholic beverages are to aid in the role playing e5perience. !or each hit point of damage you take to the body you do a shot of FWgermeister, for each point of damage you take to the head you take a shot of @ild Turkey.N 3e: MThat6s nuts.N

ollateral 0arren: MThat6s how they do it in the midnight 0J0 tournament at -en on.N 3e: M+eallyCN ollateral 0arren: M2f courseE "aven6t you even been to -en any kind of a onCN 3e: M% got beaten up on the way in to The onC 2r

ouncil of the !ive Nations.N

0eviant .oy: M@ell that6s not really a convention but what happenedCN 3e: MSome other geek heard me making disparaging comments about -alactica 789$ and <umped me. "e beat me with a bag full of dice.N El 0isgusto: MSap.N 3e: M@hat did you call meCN El 0isgusto: M' bag of dice or rocks used as a weapon is called a sap. % was <ust trying to help.N 3e: M2h.N

'bout ten minutes later @easly rusher arrived, carrying a milk crate overflowing with game books and binders. "e Duickly got set up and had us roll up our characters. Everything was pretty much random generation, from stats to careers.

3e: M"mmm an alchemist6s apprentice. /ind of like a magic user in training. % guess % name him T'ddlebert6.N heating .astard: M' nobleE % shall call him TLord !lashheart6EN ollateral 0arren: M%6ve got a pit fighter, so %6m sure somewhere in

heaven Fean laude Gan 0amme is smiling.N 3e: M% don6t think he6s dead.N ollateral 0arren: M'fter ST+EET !%-"TE+ he6s dead to me. .ut % think %6ll name my pit fighter TNitro6.N .lobert Smith: M% have an elven ranger. % shall call him TThe !laming lichV6 and he will spend his every hour trying to find a hapless dwarf fighter to condescend to.N 0eviant .oy: M'nd % will be that dwarfE % have a dwarven .awd named +alphus.N 3e: M%s a .awd what % think it isCN 0eviant .oy: M% think the more important Duestion here is does a ball) gag count as a helmCN .lobert Smith: M3y ranger has become a 3idnight sublime.N owboy. "ow

El 0isgusto: M%6m a ratcatcherC ' ratcatcherC 0oesn6t this craptastic gameworld have traps for thatCN @easly rusher: M@ell these are only your starting careers as you gain e5perience you can change careers or upgrade.N El 0isgusto: M?pgrade, from a ratcatcherC @hat would that beC !lyswatterC +oachstomperC ,ossumfuckerCN ollateral 0arren: M@easly you6re shaking, maybe you should have a drink or two before you start.N @easly rusher: MNo, no, %6m ok. Let6s get started.N

3e: M-reat.N

@easly then took a few minutes to describe the world of the Empire to us, to give us an overview of the politics, races and culture. Then he dropped us into that old role playing game standby, the %nn.

@easly rusher: MEach of your characters has been making their way to 'ltdorf where a call has been sent out for adventurers and mercenaries and dwarves in bodystockingsSN 0eviant .oy: M'wesomeEN @easly rusher: MAou find yourselves spending the night at the inn. %n the morning a coach will take you ;N El 0isgusto: M3y character decides to randomly pick fights.N @easly rusher: M.uhCN

El 0isgusto: M%n fact my character loudly declares he can lick any man in the house.N 0eviant .oy: M@ell he6s got my interest.N @easly rusher: M@hatS why are you doing thisCN

El 0isgusto: M.ecause % hate this character and % want him to die.N 3e: MThen <ust roll up another one.N El 0isgusto: MNot good enough. The ratcatcher must die.N heating .astard: M3y character loudly <okes how much he likes these new)style <esters and throws a handful of coins at the ratcatcher.N

0eviant .oy: M3e too.N @easly rusher: M'nd then everyone is doing it. They applaud your performance and give you money.N El 0isgusto: M!ine. Then % go to the bar and buy as many drinks as % can. "ope you have rules for alcohol poisoning monkey boy.N @easly rusher: M% don6tSN

ollateral 0arren: M@aiting for a coach ride to 'ltdorfC This reminds me of the scenario where the players end up finding a dead noble who is a dead ringer for one of the , s.N @easly rusher: MAouS played that oneCN

ollateral 0arren: MNo but % read it in the game store.N El 0isgusto: MNo way. No way am % playing in a scenario one of the other players has read. That6s likeS that6s likeS a little help hereCN .lobert Smith: MStrying to Duietly fart in an elevator full of blind menCN El 0isgusto: M lose enough.N @easly rusher: M@ellS okS <ust give me a minute.N

% watched @easly flip through a handful of notes, all the while chewing his lip. "e checked through several game books and then started again. 2ur characters did take the last coach to 'ltdorf and despite the ratcatcher6s repeated attempts to throw himself under the wheels we made good time.

3e: M3y alchemist6s apprentice casts a concerned glance the ratcatcher6s way and asks him his name.N

El 0isgusto: M"e doesn6t have a name he sold it to buy cheese.N 3e: M ould you at least try to roleplayC 2r is this how you pay back @easly for all the work he6s done for this gameCN heating .astard: MSince the ranger and % are riding alongside the coach on our steeds we go and scout ahead.N .lobert Smith: M apital ideaEN @easly rusher: M'll right you ride ahead and you seeS <ust a moment S % had the page bookmarkedSN El 0isgusto: MAou e5pect me to role play this shitC ' ratcatcherC Aou do reali4e that every day not playing a nin<a is a day wasted.N 3e: MAou know if you <ust try to play something other than a psychotic prick you might find yourself having a good time. Aou might, you know start role playing.N El 0isgusto: M2h you wanna see role playing do youC %6ll show the some role playing spa44bury doughboy.N

% heard the sound of dice rolling and looked up to see @easly ustomer setting out some minis.

@easly rusher: MNow the elf and the noble spy some goblin raiders and the goblin raiders spy you guys as well. @hat do you doCN heating .astard: M@e retreat back to the coach.N .lobert Smith: M% call out TTo armsE To armsE6N

'nd so began my first taste of @arhammer !antasy +ole ,lay6s combat system. %t wasn6t as bad as % thought, or maybe it was simply that the coach gave us partial cover. The end result was we made Duick work of the goblins with minimal damage.

ollateral 0arren: M3y pit fighter roars with triumph as he stands over the bodies of his vanDuished foes.N @easly knee.N rusher: M@ell it looks like 'b=6s character has dislocated his

ollateral 0arren: MThen here6s your shot.N 3e: M%6m not drinking and gaming, %6m <ust not.N heating .astard: M0on6t be a wussy 'b=.N @easly rusher: M@hen the combat is over the coach driver stops in the nearby town of .ogenhafen so he can make repairs. Aou guys have a few hours to kill and as luck would have it their annual festival the Schaffenfest is going on so you will have plenty to do.N ollateral 0arren: M%s this the one where we chase the three legged goblin into the sewersCN @easly rusher: M2h my god.N

El 0isgusto: M@hat the "ell kind of -3 are you @easlyC Son of a bitchEN 3e: M3aybe we could <ust soldier on.N ollateral 0arren: M% only think %6ve like memori4ed half the maps SN El 0isgusto: MNo. % am not going to game with one hand behind my back.N

@easly rusher: M2kS 2kS <ust a minute hereS % can <ust move ahead a little.N 3e: M"ow much of the @arhammer !+, scenario material have you read anywayCN ollateral 0arren: M'll of it.N 0eviant .oy: M% didn6t know you were interested in running the system.N ollateral 0arren: M%6m not. % would never run a role playing game. % <ust like to read scenarios and wonder what might happen if % played them.N @easly rusher: M% don6t know what to do.N

3e: MThat6s all right @easly we don6t need to)N El 0isgusto: MScrew that. % Duit my <ob to be here so we damn well better game. .esides, %6ve really got a handle on who this ratcatcher guy is now. % can6t wait to role play him.N .lobert Smith: M@hy not simply use the e5isting material you have in new and surprising waysS something similar happened to me when % attempted to turn TThe Soft 3achine6 into a T hoose Aour 2wn 'dventure6 book.N 3e: M.lobert, % don6t think your signals have ever decoded properly.N .lobert Smith: M%ndeed.N @easly rusher: MSure, % can do this. Fust let me have a FWgermeister or two.N ollateral 0arren: M'll right.N

Two drinks and a notebook later and the adventure was off again. 2ur characters left .ogenhafen and its suddenly lifeless Schaffenfest and pressed on. @easly was rolling dice and scribbling franticly in his notebooks between sips of alcohol.

El 0isgusto: M"ow long are we <ust going to be toddling along in this damn wagonCN 3e: M@ill you <ust give him a chanceCN El 0isgusto: M.ut %6m <ust role playing my character6s impatience. SeeC +oleplaying.N 0eviant .oy: M't least my character picked up an ama4ing array of sausages at the last town. % can6t wait to try them out.N heating .astard: M3y noble asks the coachman how much further we have to go.N @easly rusher: M"e replies that they could make better time if they took a more direct route but doing so would take the party deep into bandit country.N heating .astard: M.anditsC % suggest our party go due east.N 3e: M0ue EastC That6s off the road and at a right angle to where we are headed.N heating .astard: MAeah but it might be a good shortcut. 3aybe we could find a path. The elf and % will ride out to check.N .lobert Smith: M% spur my steed on into the wilderness of random encounters and savage improvisation.N

The noble and elf headed off and a few rounds later came riding back with a group of bandits hot on their heels. @e had time to stop the coach and scramble out with our weapons. The noble and the elf had the best of it, wading through the fray on their steeds: their swords raining death down on the bandits and in one unfortunate case the coach driver. The pit fighter did a lot of damage as well but since ollateral 0arren felt it was Tin character6 for Nitro to fle5 and pose after each kill he didn6t really get a high body count. 0eviant .oy may have caused less overall physical damage to our enemies but he was <ust glad that the sight of a dwarf in a mesh bodystocking wielding a length of link sausages like a set of nunchaku left so many of the bandits staring in stunned confusion that they were easily picked off by the ratcatcher. The only real load on the party during the whole fight was unfortunately my alchemist6s apprentice who spent most the combat trying either trying to hit bandits or trying to get away from them.

El 0isgusto: M3y ratcatcher is as giggly as a schoolgirl after that battle. "e decides to record a few choice memories in his <ournal.N 3e: M' ratcatcher with a <ournal... ok.N ollateral 0arren: MNitro the pit fighter mocks the appalling lack of manliness the alchemist displayed.N 3e: M"e6s alchemist6s apprentice, not a fighter.N @easly rusher: M@hat about the coach driver6s bodyCN

0eviant .oy: M0id someone remember to check his pocketsCN

'fter a Duick vote my character was put in charge of driving the coach and we headed on. Things went pretty well aside from the fact that @easly6s speech was becoming slurred and he was drooping in his

seat. % had tried to tell him that downing a finger of bourbon for each dead N, wasn6t a good idea but he was determined to do the -en on way. Slowly we began to see the city of 'ltdorf resolve itself on the hori4on. The noble and the elf rode ahead to scout for trouble and once again found it.

El 0isgusto: MTrollsC Aou6re leading a bunch of trolls back here nowCN .lobert Smith: M% am sure you will agree that in a situation like this there is safety in numbers.N 0eviant .oy: M@ell % think you should fight your own damn trolls. The only reason they6re after us is because you went looking for them.N @easly rusher: MNo. They were a random encounter. %t <ust happens that the noble and the elf rode ahead.N El 0isgusto: M@rong. %f we had all arrived at the random encounter ourselves then it would be our encounter and %6d be happy about it. .ut that6s not what happened. @hat happened is they rode ahead, created a random encounter and then ran back to us with it hot on their tails. This is not our encounter.N .lobert Smith: M% was not aware that ,rofessor SchrXdinger wrote the random encounter rules for this game.N

,ersonally % didn6t know what to think of the argument, but then again it was the 788$6s ; 'ggro and Leroy Fenkins hadn6t been invented yet. 2ur characters tried to outrun the troll horde but we found ourselves surrounded. The first casualty of the battle was the coach, it ended up flipping onto its side, pinning my character 'ddlebert beneath it with a broken leg. 3y character spent the entire combat trying to get free while friend and foe alike trampled over him. 2ur resident 0warf, +alphus charged into battle, eager to face one of

his peoples6 natural enemies. 0eviant .oy let us know that +alphus had been saving a particularly large and stale sausage for <ust such and occasion. ollateral 0arren kept his pit fighter in the thick of things and managed to kill two trolls before Nitro6s sword arm was sliced off by one of the curved, cruel)looking weapons the trolls were using. .lobert Smith and heating .astard had their steeds cut out from under them by a few well)timed troll attacks. Their horses gone, the !laming lichV and Lord !lashheart suddenly found themselves on the defensive, they climbed on top of the upended coach and prepared to make a desperate last stand, ignoring 'ddlbert6s screams of agony all the while. The real surprise of this combat however was the ratcatcher: the dice were truly with El 0isgusto as his character killed twice as many trolls on his own as the rest of the party did together.

@easly rusher: M'nother killE -ood going El 0isgustoE 're you sure you6re not using heating .astard6s lucky diceCN El 0isgusto: M%t6s all skill pally, all skill.N .lobert Smith: M@e shall tell the trolls that death is here and his name isS what was your character6s name againCN El 0isgusto: MAou never asked.N .lobert Smith: M'nd yet here you are fighting alongside us. Truly we have been through the desert on a coach with no name.N @easly rusher: MSorry 0eviant .oy but +alphus6 weapon of choice breaks.N

0eviant .oy: MStormwiener noEN heating .astard: M"ow many more trolls are leftCN @easly rusher: MSeven trolls surround you.N

3e: M@e can6t take that many. @e6re too wounded.N heating .astard: M@ell maybe if you weren6t <ust lying thereS likeS likeS .lobertCN .lobert Smith: MSlike a wealthy man with a faulty toupee and a bad back on his wedding nightCN 0eviant .oy: M@ow.N 3e: M%t6s uncanny.N El 0isgusto: M"ow many trolls have we killedCN @easly rusher: MSi5.N

ollateral 0arren: M%6ll <ust pour your bourbon into this convenient novelty glass.N 3e: M2nce again let me say that not only do % think its pretty damn sad that we6ve combined drinking and roleplaying but then to be drinking from 3uppet .aby glassesS is this really what we should be doing with our livesCN El 0isgusto: MAou have a better ideaC 3aybe we could watch you spend all night striking out with goth girls at the BE#C 2r we could help you write some of the stories that no one will ever print. 2r we could watch some of those crappy movies that only you seem to rent. @ho was the last one directed byC ,eter FacksonC That guy will never work againEN

3e: MAou know you really missed your calling as a suicide prevention line operator.N

's we argued @easly rusher downed his bourbon in a series of convulsive gulps and then started -3ing again. "is eyes became more and more glassy as the adventure continued.

@easly rusher: MThe trolls surround you but suddenly there is a flash and a series of lightning bolts reduce your enemies to ashes.N 0eviant .oy: MSavedEN heating .astard: M0o those still count as our kills for e5perience purposesCN ollateral 0arren: MNitro turns to see who has saved the party.N 3e: MAou know 0arren, Nitro might want to do something about that spurting wound where his arm used to be and % don6t know maybe)get this damn coach off my character00001 @easly rusher: M'n elf walks out of the forest. "e has short, dark hair and wears a blue tunic tucked into a pair of black breeches and leather boots.N .lobert Smith: MThe !laming lichV hails him as a fellow elf.N

@easly rusher: M"e speaks a dialect of elvish you can barely understand.N .lobert Smith: M3y character e5plains to the rest of the party that this stranger speaks a dialect of elvish that can barely be understood.N El 0isgusto: M'sk him how he saved us, is he a magic userCN

.lobert Smith: M3y character asks the stranger how he saved us and if he is a magic user.N @easly rusher: MThe stranger tells your character that he is a scientist.N .lobert Smith: MThe !laming rescuer is a scientist.N lichV tells the rest of the party that their

@easly rusher: M@hen the stranger sees how badly in<ured the rest of the party is he pulls a small gold and black ob<ect from his belt and whispers into it.N .lobert Smith: M"e has pulled a small metal)N 0eviant .oy: M2k we can take it from here .lobert.N @easly rusher: MTwo humans stride out of the woods, one is dressed in a very similar fashion to the elf, the other wears a gold tunic instead of a blue one.N ollateral 0arren: MThis is familiar but % can6t recall which @arhammer supplement it6s in.N @easly rusher: MThe human in the gold tunic pulls a kind of wand slash crossbow thing from his belt and fires it at the coach. ' kind of lightning shoots out and turns the coach into ashes.N 3e: M?hS okCN @easly rusher: MThen the human in the blue tunic walks up to you and waves a wand over your shattered leg. The wound miraculously heals.N 3e: M.ut howS % didn6t think magic worked that way in this game.N

The rest of the party began asking the strangers for their own wounds to be healed. The human and the elf did all the work while the man in the gold tunic observed with an impossibly smug e5pression on his face.

@easly rusher: M'nd the man in the gold tunic observes it all with an impossibly smug e5pression on his face.N 3e: M3y character thanks the strangers and asks them their names. 3y character tells them his name is 'ddlebert.N 0eviant .oy: M3y dwarf curtsies and tells them he is +alphus.N heating .astard: M3y noble introduces himself as Lord !lashheart and e5plains to them that if they are ever in his vaguely outlined but far away fiefdom they are more than welcome to visit.N .lobert Smith: MThe !laming lichV thanks them the only way he knows how, with a framed lithograph of his nipple)pint.N El 0isgusto: M3y ratcatcher walks up to them and says T"iE 3y name is 'b= and % love the taste of failureE6N 3e: MThat6s it you6re 0E'0EN El 0isgusto: M@hatC %6m roleplaying motherfuckerEN 3e: MAou smelly S2 %2,'T"EN .lobert Smith: MNoE There will be No fighting in this basement. This basement is sacred ground. 0reams were born and died in this basement. %t was here that % first made love to 'senath, on that futon right there.N 3e: M"ey, who wants to trade seatsCN

.lobert Smith: M'nd it was there, on that tearstained patch of carpet that % begged her not to break up with me but alas it was too late. The damage was done.N 3e: M'nyone at allCN 0eviant .oy: MNot that % care, because % don6t, % <ust don6t, why did she break up with youCN .lobert Smith: M3erely because once in the throws of passion % cried ,eter 3urphy6s name instead of hers. ' common enough mistake for anyone that has listened to a single .auhaus album.N 3e: MLook %6ll give someone cash money to swap with me. moneyEN @easly ship.N ash

rusher: MThe strangers offer to take you with them to their

ollateral 0arren: MSounds tempting.N 3e: MShipC %s there a river near hereCN El 0isgusto: M2h my -od. "ow stupid are youCN 3e: M,ossibly stupid enough to have <ust gotten crabs from a futon.N heating .astard: M ome on 'b=, think about it.N @easly rusher: M're we gaming are notC 're you guys gonna go to the ship, <oin their crew and fight the troll menace where ever they are foundCN 3e: M% have no idea what is going on here anymore.N 0eviant .oy: MLook, one pointy eared elf, two humans, strange

Tmagic6, gold and blue shirts.N 3e: M2h my -od. @e6re having a Star Trek crossoverC @ith @arhammerCN .lobert Smith: M3ake it so.N 3e: M@easly how drunk are youCN @easly rusher: M0runk enough, %6m feelin6 the modifiers baby.N

3e: M% think we should <ust call it a night guys. "e has no idea what he6s doing.N ollateral 0arren: M2h no. @e are going to keep gaming until my character gets a phaser.N heating .astard: M@ord.N 0eviant .oy: MSoS 'senath6s single againCN @easly rusher: MLook are you losers beaming up or notC The wants to know.N aptain

El 0isgusto: M'b= the ratcatcher is going, if only because he hopes the strange science of these people can cure his terminal lameness.N .lobert Smith: M3y character swoons at the possibility of making his own <ourney to the +ing of Soshern.N 0eviant .oy: M@hat6s the +ing of SoshernCN .lobert Smith: M,erhaps it is a place our characters could e5plore together.N 3e: M-uys. This is insane and @easly is so drunk that he won6t even remember this.N

ollateral 0arren: M.ut we6ll still have our phasers.N heating .astard: M'nd he6ll have to deal with it.N @easly rusher: MSo everyone is beaming up but 'b=6s characterCN

3e: M% am trying to make a stand here.N @easly rusher: M!ine. The rest of the party beams up on to the Enterprise with the strangers. 'ddlebert waits behind.N 3e: M-ood then maybeSN @easly rusher: M.ut then magical Leprechaun appears ne5t to your character.N 3e: M' whatC ' leprechaunCN There aren6t any leprechauns in @arhammer fantasy roleplay are thereCN @easly rusher: M%nsulted by your statements the leprechaun pulls out a +ambo knife and stabs your character in the groin and again and again and again untilSN

% can only assume that the leprechaun stabbing would have been fatal for my character because that was when @easly started throwing up into his milk crate full of gaming supplies.

@easly

rusher: M.larghEN on tooCN

3e: M2h nice going 0arren, is this how they do it at -en @easly rusher: M.laarrgghhEN

heating .astard: M"aE Aeah -en

on right. 3aybe we should be

drinking out of a poetry slam trophy.N 0eviant .oy: M@hile ; snicker) while reading some .ob /ane artworkCN @easly rusher: M.laaarrrggghhhEN

El 0isgusto: M@ith some co)edsCN 3e: M@hat are you idiots talking aboutCN .lobert Smith: M% must confess that you have been part of a social e5periment put forth by El 0isgusto.N @easly rusher: M.laaaarrrrgggghhhhEN

3e: MSocial e5perimentCN El 0isgusto: M@ell % reali4ed after % made a <oke about having .ob /ane artwork that you believed me and then we all reali4ed you actually believed stuff we told you.N 3e: M.ut why would you lie to meCN El 0isgusto: M.ecause it6s funnyEN @easly rusher: M.laaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhEN

0eviant .oy: M'nd some of the stuff you shared with us is priceless.N 3e: M,ricelessCN ollateral 0arren: MLike when you told .lobert how you reacted when the chief editor of Simon and Schuster sent you a personal letter detailing why your novel would never ever be publishedC % mean crying is one thing but hiding under your desk for an hourCN 3e: M.ut it hurtSN

heating .astard: M2r when you told El 0isgusto your great) grandmother used to call you hicken)scratchesC "ystericalEN @easly rusher: M.laaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhEN

3e: M% told you this stuff because you guys supposed to be my friends.N .lobert Smith: M@e are not friends sadly we are gamers, unloved and unwanted we rattle our dice against the crushing din of our own failure and self)loathing. 'nd the tale you told 0arren about meeting one of your favorite authors only to have him call you a miserable little suck up in front of a laughing crowdC That is the stuff that dream ballets are made of.N 3e: MLook this is a really shitty way to treat a person guys. %f you are kidding around with me lets drop it now before my feelings get hurt.N El 0isgusto: M2h always with the feelings 'b=, always with the feelings.N 3e: MAou mean none of the stuff you guys told me is trueCN El 0isgusto: M% never met .ob /ane.N @easly rusher: M.laaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhEN on. % legally can6t leave

ollateral 0arren: M%6ve never been to -en the state for a few more years.N

.lobert Smith: M'nd never entered a poetry slam contest much less won a trophy.N 3e: M.ut 0eviant .oy what about the co)edsCN 0eviant .oy: M@ell technically they were co)edsS in the early 78>$6s.N

El 0isgusto: MEwwwww.N 0eviant .oy: M% tell you they don6t call them Thot flashes6 for nothing.N 3e: M.ut what about what % told youC That was kind of privateSN @easly rusher: M.laaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhEN

0eviant .oy: MAou mean the thing about you masturbating into your socksCN El 0isgusto: M'b= you6ve given a whole new meaning to the term Tdoing the laundry6.N

2f course % stormed out of .lobert6s house at that point but as % have said before there is no dignified way to leave the gaming table with tears in your eyes. % told myself on the drive home that % would have to be an idiot to hang out with these guys again but % guess % still hadn6t learned my lesson. @hen % got back to my place % couldn6t sleep so % finished the chores % had been putting off. The bathroom floor was finally mopped, my bookshelves finally got dusted and yes % did finish my laundry but don6t worry % left out the whitener.

R!".net Rant+#The :ast Stra4 Trilo"y Part T4o: TA:IS2A): T3IS TI2* ITS P*RSO)A: originally posted to +,-.net on O)#P)#$$9, $8:$7 '3 @'+N%N- T"E !2LL2@%N- +'NT %S .22/EN0E0 .A S23E SB?%S"A ,E+S2N'L ST?!! % !ELT '00E0 T2 T"E ST2+A. This is the part of the story %6m not proud of, and this is the part of the story that might <ust bore you to tears but it6s part of the story % have to tell.

%6ve said before that my love life had been one disaster after another: there was the girl that got me drunk and went home with a marine as % sat at the bar trying to e5plain T0octor @ho6s continuity errors to anyone in earshot. There was the girl that dated me, kissed me and ended up dumping me for /id Snotrocket. There was first date after first date that felt like a bad <ob interview. There was the one that % didn6t reali4ed liked me until it was too late. There was the other girl that left me for /id Snotrocket. There was the co)worker that took my offer of dinner as harassment: there was the other girl that was sure % was gay. There was the girl that faked being part of a blood drinking cult to get me to stop calling her. There was the girl that was starting to like me until she found out her mother thought % was great and she dumped me. 'nd then of course there was the third girl that ran off with /id Snotrocket. 'nd what % had learned during those four years of accidental celibacyC % mean aside from the fact that /id Snotrocket was not to be trusted and that he apparently had a monster dongC % had learned to stop looking for love, % learned to stop trying. 3y bitterness was made all the worse by 'nnoying -irl. % suppose % shouldn6t have been too surprised at how often % saw her, after all we lived within <ust a few miles of each other but still <ust seeing her annoyed me. 'nd whenever she saw me in public she <ust had to come over and say hello and ask about how my life was going. % talked to her grudgingly and when she suggested we get together sometime % always told her how busy % was. @hy you askC .ecause 'nnoying -irl was fat. Not as fat as .lobert but was way heavier than me. There was no way % would ever be seen with a fat girl on my arm ; there was no way % would ever even be friends with one, it was a violation of the guy6s code. 't least that6s what my friends and the 3edia told me. 'nd % especially wanted nothing to do with 'nnoying -irl. % couldn6t stand the way she was so nice all the time, the way puppies, kittens and swans gravitated towards her like she was some kind of a 0isney character. 'nd don6t even get me started about how the way she once

waded into the middle of a traffic accident and managed to keep a terribly in<ured man stable until the paramedics arrived. % <ust hated to look at her, the soft sheen of her skin, the dark luminous pools of her eyes and that laugh, that laugh of hers sounded like the giggles of a baby cherub having its belly tickled. See what % meanC 'nnoying. %t had been ten days since @easly6s disastrous turn at running @arhammer !antasy +ole ,lay and all he had to show for it was a fistful of barf)stained rulebooks and El 0isgusto6s unending scorn. %n the wake of that latest disaster we had been banned from the Smith family basement by .lobert himself and no one wanted to run anything. % guess we were all a little gun shy. 2r is that -3 shyC ollateral 0arren insisted he had the perfect solution to the problem, but he wouldn6t tell us what that solution was. 'll he did was keep insisting that we all be there. % almost didn6t go. Aou see %6d <ust gotten word that my high school crush Lilly had gotten married and not only that she6d gotten married to a guy she6d gone to high school with but barely acknowledged. .etter yet she6d married one of the guys that had been too much of a geek to hang out with /id Snotrocket, Iapp !oo and myself. The man %6m talking about was Ernie Spoonsucker. %n high school he had gotten Duite the reputation. "e6d divided his time between the boy scouts, glee club and the South olonie ?nited +epublican Garsity Aouth movement. % think the things % remember best about old Ernie was his insistence that listening to the music of the .eatles led to communism and his stress agitated colon. @hat is a stress agitated colon you might askC %t meant that whenever Ernie got scared he would become flatulent, and the more scared he was the more he6d fart. The older boys would beat him until it sounded like the 797# overture was coming from his pants. .ut now of course that had changed. Now he was en<oying con<ugal relations with the girl % had dreamed of for four long years. % didn6t want to game, % <ust wanted to sit in my apartment and hate the

world. 2ver the past few years % had really gotten Duite good at it. 2f course % knew myself better than that, % knew that if % wasn6t at a movie or a game by 77 ,3 on a !riday night % would find myself at a strip club. Truth be told at this point of my life % had begun to suspect that % was spending far too much time at strip clubs. 'nd when one of the strippers had told me % should really get a girlfriend my suspicions were confirmed. So that is why % found myself driving to 0eviant .oy6s place that night. 'bout halfway there % decided it might be a good idea to get some soda and chips so % left early to stop at the local supermarket: but before % got there % was gripped with this sudden urge to stop by the bookstore at the local mall. There was no reason to do it really, the place never stocked what % was looking for but as the landmarks of entral 'venue bled past me, the itch in my head to <ust go to the mall, selection be damned, became a full blown fi5ation. So % stopped there, the parking lot was crowded, the mall itself even more so. % navigated the crowds to the bookstore and foundS nothing. The selection was so poor it was couldn6t even be called generic. The urge to be there vanished. % started to feel even stupider than the time % had decided T.o5ing "elena6 would be a good date movie. .ack through the crowds % went, blundering past crying children in oversi4ed strollers and fit young shoppers walking at a snail6s pace. % glanced over to the eyeglass shop, wondering if % should try my luck with contacts again. 'fter all what were the chances % might accidentally scratch my cornea three times in a rowC 'nd there she was, dressed in a yellow top and white shorts: she was trying on sunglasses, gauging her reflection in one of the stores many mirrors. The shades she had on now were too large for her head and worst of all they hid her eyes from viewS not that % cared. Still though, % did find my pace slowing, maybe it was the way she held the price tag away from her nose, maybe it was the way those white shorts looked on her. 'll % know is that % lingered long enough for me to catch her eye.

She hastily abandoned the oversi4ed sunglasses and waved me over to her. -rudgingly % approached: hoping all the while none of the guys saw me talking to her. Not that % should have worried really, El 0isgusto, .lobert Smith and @easly rusher had been banned from the mall for life thanks to their random acts of L'+,ing. 'nd as for 0eviant .oy, no one ever really did find out why the 2+'N-E F?L%?S stand had a restraining order against him. 'nnoying -irl: MSo, how have you beenCN 3e: M2k % guessS Aou knowCN 'nnoying -irl: M@hat have you been doing with yourselfCN 3e: MStuff % guess.N 'nnoying -irl: M're you going to the lass of 9K fifth year reunionCN

3e: M2nly if % can find some way to pre)wedgie myself.N 'nnoying -irl: M"ahE % miss your <okes. @hen we used to hang out with Lilly you always cracked me up.N 3e: MAou used to hang out with LillyCN 'nnoying -irl: M0on6t you remember you and % were at most of the same parties, usually we were the ones being ignored by everyone else.N 3e: M% was never ignored. % distinctly remember Lilly asking me to watch her coat.N 'nnoying -irl: MS?h yeah. Aou6re not still hung up on her are youC % mean you know she6s married now rightCN

3e: M@ell with the divorce rates being what they are in the country %6m sure %6ve still got a shot. .esides it gives me time to work on my novel and diversify my stock portfolio.N 'nnoying -irl: M@ell, wow. That6s dedication, but % thought you were with that redhead. Aou know the one you were going to college withS the one that would fake sei4ures to get out of her mid termsCN 3e: M2h. TallulahC @ell we were together for a while but % kicked her to the curb. 3aybe %6m <ust too much man for one womanSN 'ctually Tallulah had dumped me for a recently paroled !rench) anadian professional wrestler but in the end % got back at her by Duitting college and getting a <ob at an office supply store. 'nnoying -irl: MAou know we really should get together sometime. @e could <ust grab a bite to eat or a drink. There6s this comedy club up bySN 3e: MAeah the huckle !actory, %6m kind of persona non grata there.N

'nnoying -irl: M@hat happenedCN 3e: M@ell it was open mike night and % tried out and there was this stampede of people trying to get out of the buildingSN 'nnoying -irl: M0id you start a fire or somethingCN 3e: MLet6s <ust say that % learned pretty Duickly there is no future whatsoever in funny stories about role playing games.N 'nnoying -irl: M@e should still get together. % think % gave you my number last time didn6t %CN 3e: MSure, sure. Aou know % really have to be going otherwise %6m going to spend the ne5t four hours sitting on an orange crate.N 'nnoying -irl: M"aE See what % meanC Aou6re hystericalE "ere <ust in

case take my number again.N 3e: M.ut % don6t have any paper with me. Let6s <ust)N 'nnoying -irl: M"ere hang on a secondSN She rummaged around in her purse until she found a pen and a scrap of paper and insisted % take her number again. % accepted <ust to get away from her but 'nnoying -irl still had one last indignity to visit upon me. ' hug. +ight in front of everyone she <ust threw her arms around me and gave me a good sDuee4e, telling me how good it was to see me again. % grumbled something gave her a half)hearted smile and got the "ell back to my car. The supermarket and snacks forgotten % drove the rest of the way to 0eviant .oy6s apartment with that hug playing over and over again through my mind. % was sure it was because she had traumati4ed me, and % was seriously considering litigation. @hen % got to 0eviant .oy6s apartment % was greeted by the sight of grown men dueling with homemade foam swords. 2f course % knew that could only mean one thing. They6d been watching T"ighlander6 again. %t was +ehab .oy and 2ld Aellowbelly that were doing the dueling, with ollateral 0arren, @easly rusher and heating .astard watching from the sidelines. % parked my car <ust in time for 2ld Aellowbelly to throw himself across the hood. +ehab .oy came around the other side, poised and ready for battle. % don6t know what was more disturbing about him, the fact that he was wearing a Sailor 3oon T)shirt or that he was wearing a half do4en or so 'lcoholics 'nonymous chips like medallions. +ehab .oy: MTonight you sleep in "ellEN 2ld Aellowbelly: M"ave at youEN

3e: M-uysS aren6t you afraid of looking like fools in front of the apartment comple5CN ollateral 0arren: M@hy do you care what other people thinkC @e don6t.N heating .astard: M,eople decide within the first few minutes of meeting you what their impression is so trying to pro<ect an image of what you want them to think of you is <ust plain neurotic.N @easly rusher: M@hat about <ob interviewsCN

2ld Aellowbelly launched himself at +ehab .oy his foam sword whistling through the air. % got clear and stood over by the rest. ollateral 0arren: MThere is no <ob worth having that involves an interview, besides it6s all <ust a scam to sell resume paper.N 3e: M@hat on Earth are you talking aboutCN ollateral 0arren: MLook most people get their <obs through recommendations and knowing someone. The whole interview process is <ust a front to get people to buy specialty papers for their resumes.N 3e: MThat6s insane.N ollateral 0arren: M%f it6s so cra4y then answer me this, when you show up for a <ob interview with your freshly updated resume why do they make you handwrite the e5act same information down on an employment applicationCN Everyone fro4e dead at that, trying to think of an answer, any answer. @easly rusher: M2h my -odSN

heating .astard: M%t all makes sense somehowSN 3e: MThis is what losing S'N points is like % <ust know itSN 2ld Aellowbelly: MThat6s -eniusEN +ehab .oy: M!or the BuickeningEN 2ld Aellowbelly: M2wE 2wE 2@EN 2ne foam induced Buickening later we headed inside. The first thing that hit me was the smell of gamer sweat and stale cigarette smoke, then % reali4ed that including myself there had to be ten people crammed into this tiny apartment. El 0isgusto: MToo bad 'b=, we called dibs on all the chairs, you6ve got the orange crate again.N 3e: M'senathC @hat are you doing hereCN 'senath: M-aming what do you thinkCN 3e: M're you and 0eviant .oy back togetherCN 0eviant .oy: M@e6re <ust friends.N 3e: M@ell what about .lobertCN .lobert Smith: M% can only hope the pain % feel at seeing her again will inspire me to even greater role playing heights. @hile % may have lost levels in love % truly believe % have increased the T"' $ of my soul.N 3e: M'nd how about you El 0isgustoC 0oes this affect you in anyway or are you too emotionally bankrupt to careCN El 0isgusto: M@hat you call being a sociopath % call emotional nin<itsu.N 3e: M%6m really curious to see what kind of a role playing game

ollateral 0arren has planned that involves nine players.N ollateral 0arren: MThen look around you.N 3e: M@ell all % see is the T'L%S3'N board game with all of its supplements, including the T%3ES ',E, spread out across the apartment.N ollateral 0arren: ME5actly.N 3e: ME5actly whatCN ollateral 0arren: M@e6re playing Talisman.N 3e: M.ut % thought we were playing a role playing game, Talisman is a board game.N ollateral 0arren: M%s itC %s it reallyC Look around you 'b=. % see multitude of character types, each one with special abilities and the capacity to grow more powerful through e5perience. % see random encounters, miniatures and even a map. This is a role playing game.N 3e: MAes, e5cept for the fact it6s not.N 2ld Aellowbelly: MAou have everything for this game, everything.N ollateral 0arren: M% got it all from a guy named Skippy Ganderhausen. "e <ust bought it all and then had some kind of religious epiphany and decided to get rid of it all.N 'senath: MSkippy GanderhausenCN 3e: M@hy does that name sound so familiarCN ollateral 0arren: M!rom the have heard of them.N lifton ,ark GanderhausensC Aou must

+ehab .oy: M3an you did a great <ob painting these minis. Ever since % dried out % don6t have the brush control % used to.N

0eviant .oy: MAou know 'senath you could sit right ne5t to me. This chair is free.N @easly rusher: M%6m sitting right here what are you talking about) "ey Duit pushingEN 0eviant .oy: M%t6s your turn to sit ne5t to El 0isgusto.N @easly rusher: MNoE "e6s got that cabbage and cologne smell again.N

El 0isgusto: MThis is my natural musk.N .lobert Smith: M olognes are so very generic. % prefer to splash myself with a combination of 'bsinthe and crushed clove cigarettes.N heating .astard: M're we going to play or notC 'nd don6t worry if you6re short of dice. %6ve brought my own.N 3e: M'll right. Let6s do this thing.N % suppose in a way ollateral 0arren was right, the game of Talisman is in many ways like a role playing game crossed with 3onopoly. %nstead of thimbles and racecars you played knights and thieves, instead of chance and community chest cards you had adventure cards that could either help or hinder your "ero. The goal of the game was to have your Thero6 become strong enough to reach the center of the main board where you would win the rown of ommand, but your hero couldn6t do that unless they were in possession of the Talisman named in the title of the game. %t sounds simple enough doesn6t itC ollateral 0arren: MNow don6t forget that the version we6re playing only has one Talisman so it will be harder to win. @e begin by drawing "ero cards. The sad bastard sitting on the orange crate goes first.N 3e: M%6ve got a "alfling.N

heating .astard: M%6ve got a @arrior of

haos.N

El 0isgusto: M omeonnin<acomeonnin<acomeonnin<aSN 3e: MFust draw already for hrist6s sakeEN

El 0isgusto: M'n %nDuisitorC @ell % certainly didn6t e5pect that.N .lobert Smith: M'n 'rcheologistC !rom the drawing it appears to be a pastiche of %ndiana Fones.N @easly rusher: M"mmm a 3inotaur.N

0eviant .oy: M' 0ragon +ider for meS se5y.N ollateral 0arren: M%t doesn6t mean what you think it means, it means you can ride a dragon.N 0eviant .oy: M%6m up for it.N ollateral 0arren: MNo, what % mean is that if you encounter a dragon you can mount it.N 0eviant .oy: MThat6s hot.N ollateral 0arren: M2h % give up. %6ll draw my "ero. % have a @i4ard.N +ehab .oy: M' 3erchantC That6s oddSN 'senath: M%6ve got the Samurai.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M%6ve got a ,irate.N ollateral 0arren: M2k let6s get playing.N @e each picked out the miniature that corresponded with the hero we had drawn. @e rolled dice and moved our pieces around the 2uter +egion of the board.

0eviant .oy: MStwo S three Sfour. 3y 0ragon +ider is in the @oods % draw a card and hey it6s a -host.N .lobert Smith: MLet us roll to see if your character defeats this foul cardboard revenant.N 0eviant .oy: M+ats.N heating .astard: M@ell look where my @arrior of right in the same sDuare as 'b=6s "alfling.N haos has landed,

3e: M2h great and %6m already down to my last life thanks to that -argoyle, and the "arpy and !rost 0ragon.N +ehab .oy: MThis board is <ust littered with things you failed to defeat isn6t itCN heating .astard: M@ell % tell you what 'b=, if your "alfling gives my @arrior of haos all his gold things might go better for him.N 3e: M@ell, all right. "ere you go all four gold.N heating .astard: M-reat, and % attack the "alfling anyway.N 3e: M@hatCN heating .astard: M@ell % didn6t promise anything, % <ust said things might go better for him. +oll those dice 'b=.N 3e: M'rghE 0amnitE 3y "alfling6s dead. %6m out.N El 0isgusto: M"a)ha you suck.N ollateral 0arren: M'ctually 'b= you6re not out. @e <ust keep playing until someone reaches the rown of ommand. Aou <ust draw a new "ero.N 3e: M2h 2k. Let6s see nowSwell %6ve got a Galkyrie. This could be interesting.N

El 0isgusto: MAeah a whole new character to fail with.N 3e: MFust keep it up butt)knuckle.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M2h % got a lance.N +ehab .oy: M3y 3erchant enters the hapel.N

2ld Aellowbelly: M-oin6 to the chapel and we6re gonna get marriedSN .lobert Smith: MNow % have rolled a two but where shall my 'rcheologist goC To the left or the rightC @hich will server his Duest for treasure betterC 2r will he learn that all along that treasure he was hunting for was inside him self all alongC To the left then % think and look, % have drawn a Leper. @ill he be my steadfast companionCN El 0isgusto: M3y %nDuisitor moves into the same sDuare as the 'rcheologist and attacks him. Then he imprisons him.N 'senath: M.athroom break. Now where did % put my duffel bagCN @easly rusher: M%t6s over there by the .atleth.N

'senath: MThanks.N She un4ippered the bag and pulled out a small bottle of 3e: M@hy are you carrying around a bottle of bleachCN 'senath: M@hat did you e5pect me to have in hereC 0uffelsCN 0eviant .oy: M2h how %6ve missed your <okes.N 'senath: M2ne of the cardinal rules of being a gamer chick is never use a gamer guy6s bathroom without sterili4ing the area first.N El 0isgusto: M2h please.N loro5.

'senath: M"ey you forget % lived here for a while, % remember when those bathroom tiles were white.N 3e: MAou mean the veins of greenish color working their way along everything from the sink to the shower curtain '+EN6T some kind of marble patternCN ollateral 0arren: M'nd that6s why 0eviant .oy and % get sick so rarely. That bathroom is like a wargame for our white bloodcells.N 3e: M2h -odS % should have brought a 3ountain 0ew bottle with meSN 0eviant .oy waited for the sound of running water before he started trying to shove @easly rusher off his chair. 0eviant .oy: M0ude <ust move.N @easly rusher: M%6ve got all my stuff here.N

0eviant .oy: M% don6t care move. "urry up before she gets back.N 3e: M'nd why should he tell her he movedC @on6t it seem weirdCN El 0isgusto: M% imagine after seeing the shape of your head for a few hours nothing seems weird at all.N 3e: MGery droll, it is to laugh.N 0eviant .oy: M% said moveEN 'nd with a final shove one of the legs of the chair that @easly rusher was sitting in broke sending @easly rusher tumbling to the floor.N ollateral 0arren: M'nother chair broken.N

.lobert Smith: M-amers and poorly constructed chairs are natural enemies.N @easly rusher: M% think % landed on an Elric mini.N

0eviant .oy: M@ell we don6t have any more chairs so % guess we need to pull another orange crate out of storage.N ollateral 0arren: M@e6re all out of orange crates but we still have about 7# milk crates.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M%sn6t taking those things illegalCN heating .astard: M%t6s a non)enforceable law like tearing the tags off of mattresses, trading bootleg videotapes and bestiality.N 0eviant .oy: M'nd thank heavens for thatS the bootleg tape thing % mean.N 3e: M heating .astard, % know you love to give legal advice but don6t you think it would be wiser to get accepted to law school firstCN heating .astard: M%6ve already skimmed the reDuired reading. % know as much as your average paralegal.N 0eviant .oy: MAeah but most of the paralegals %6ve known go into the porn industry after a few years because they find it more life) affirming.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M@ow. % may never look at TTeenage 'ss .angers6 the same way again.N 3e: M% didn6t think you could really skim the Law.N heating .astard: M2h don6t be silly. -aming and the law are practically the same thing. 'll you have to do is read the basic rule set, skim the flavor te5t and then cherry pick what you need from the supplements.N

ollateral 0arren: ME5cept in this situation the onstitution is the basic rule set, the other laws are the supplements and the case histories are the flavor te5t.N 'senath: M%6m back.N 0eviant .oy: M@ell have a seat right here on this milk crate.N 'senath: MSorry but if % wanted to have welts on my ass...N 3e: M@hose turn was it againCN The game continued, we moved our heroes around the 2uter +egion of the board, building them up with magic items, followers and e5perience points. 2ld Aellowbelly6s ,irate blundered into the Timescape and ended up getting lost there for a few turns. 3y Galkrie had a run in with a dragon and a lion but was ultimately killed by 'senath6s Samurai. Then the Samurai was killed by heating .astard6s runesword carrying @arrior of haos. +ehab .oy6s 3erchant was imprisoned by El 0isgusto6s %nDuisitor. .lobert Smith6s 'rcheologist was fireballed to death by ollateral 0arren6s @i4ard. 0eviant .oy6s and @easly rusher6s "eroes wandered the board aimlessly, racking up kills and alignment changes. 3e: MSo my new "ero isS an 'ma4onCN 'senath: M%6ve got the entaur.N

.lobert Smith: M% am now an 'stropath, <ust like @'+"'33E+ P$/ isn6t itCN ollateral 0arren: MAeah, there is a lot of crossover between the game and @'+"'33E+.N +ehab .oy: M% sure wish there was a P$/ role playing game.N El 0isgusto: MThat would be awesome.N

heating .astard: MNah, it probably wouldn6t make it past the first supplement.N ollateral 0arren: M2k whose ne5tCN 2ld Aellowbelly: M@ell % rolled a > so % end up on the same sDuare as the 3inotaur. % attackEN @easly rusher: M@hat did % ever do to youCN

2ld Aellowbelly: M"ey this is Talisman: it6s every man for himself and -od against all.N @easly rusher: M2k. % rolled a 7#.N

2ld Aellowbelly: M% rolled a #. 2h noSN 'senath: M"ow many lives do you have leftCN 2ld Aellowbelly: MNowC None.N El 0isgusto: M"a "aE Aou suck.N ollateral 0arren: M0rop all your treasure into the spot your "ero died in and draw a new "ero.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M2k %6ve got a 0ragon ,riest.N @easly rusher: M3y 3inotaur heads to the hapel.N

+ehab .oy: M-oin6 to the chapel and we6re gonna get marriedSN El 0isgusto: M2k my %nDuisitor has had enough of this crap and he decides to cross into the 3iddle +egion.N heating .astard: M're you sureC Aour character only has two lives left.N El 0isgusto: M% know what %6m doing.N

ollateral 0arren: MTo cross into the 3iddle +egion your character must face the .lack /night.N El 0isgusto: M2k %6m rolling the dice now.N 3e: M'nd you6re losing a life now.N El 0isgusto: MThis never would have happened if % was playing a nin<a.N heating .astard: M'nd my "ero draws a new 'dventure card and gets. ' TalismanE 'll rightEN 2ld Aellowbelly: MSome people have all the luck.N +ehab .oy: M'nd all the armor and all the weapons and mules and unicorns.N heating .astard: M@ell you know what they say unlucky in love and all that.N 3e: M% like to think we make our own luck, either in games or in matters of love.N 'senath: MLove is <ust another word for lust.N 0eviant .oy: ME5actly.N .lobert Smith: M% beg to differ: a world without love is like a version of 0?N-E2NS J 0+'-2NS that does not use 07#. an you imagine a world so hellish and broken insideCN 'senath: M an you imagine a world where people didn6t get all torn up about what they wantedCN 3e: MNo one gets everything they want.N 0eviant .oy: M"ey she6s got a point, in the five years %6ve known you, all you6ve done is search for love and then whine when you didn6t get it. 3aybe if you <ust banged a few chicks and cleared out your snorkel once in a while you might be a little less miserable.N

3e: M'nd what if % catch a venereal diseaseC @hat if % get some girl % don6t give a damn about pregnantCN 'senath: MLife is full of what ifs. @hat if you get run over crossing the streetC @hat if you never get publishedC @hat if you accidentally tear half your ear off in a freak power window accidentCN @easly rusher: M%6m <ust glad there was an ice machine nearby.N

ollateral 0arren: M% myself believe that love is real but it is an ideal that must be aspired to.N 3e: ME5actly.N ollateral 0arren: MThat is why % have vowed only to lose my virginity to Stevie Nicks.N El 0isgusto: M%s this before or after you go to live in 'laska with the bearsCN ollateral 0arren: M3y life plan is pretty fluid all % know is that our love child will be the /wisat4 "aderach of death metal.N 3e: MSure.N @easly rusher: M+ight.N

heating .astard: M"ey can we please get back to me kicking your butts at this gameCN The other players started to converge on heating .astard, each one attacking with every spell and magic item they had. The game rules stated that whenever one player defeated another player in combat the winner could either take a life, a bag of gold or an item from the loser. So everyone was trying to get their hands on the talisman the @arrior of haos was gleefully carrying around the 2uter +egion of the board. Two hours later every other player had died twice and heating .astard6s character had become a wandering god.

ollateral 0arren: MAou know % think at this point your character should be able to march right to the rown of ommand and win.N heating .astard: M@here6s the fun in thatC % haven6t become the /ing6s hampion yetEN +ehab .oy: MAeah but you6ve already been the 3aster Thief and the Sherriff.N @easly rusher: M'nd now you6re the "igh 3age.N

3e: M@hich e5plains why my Scientist has become a Toad with > warrants for his arrest.N heating .astard: M3y "ero visits the @easly hapel to get healed.N

rusher: M-oin6 to the chapel and we6re gonna get marriedSN

El 0isgusto: M@as that <oke EGE+ funnyCN heating .astard: M'nd in my capacity has "igh 3age % cast a !ireball spell at the -houlEN El 0isgusto: M-reat now my guy is dead again.N 3e: M"a)ha you suck.N .lobert Smith: M'nd my -ypsy retrieves the !ireball spell from the discard pile and casts it back at heating .astard6s "igh 3age @arrior of haos. % like to think she does so because she was born in the wagon of a travelin6 show and her 3omma used to dance for the money they6d throw.N heating .astard: M!ine then % cast a reflection spell and send it back at herN .lobert Smith: M'nd she retrieves that spell from the discard pile and uses it to reflect the reflection spell.N

heating .astard: M.ullshitEN .lobert Smith: MNo it says right here on the character sheet that she can do this.N heating .astard: M%t6s still bullshit and % loathe bullshit in all of its forms.N ollateral 0arren: M.ut it6s in the rules.N heating .astard: M.ullshit.N 3e: MThe only thing that bugs me is the idea that you could take an entire ethnic group and turn them into a caricature for a board game.N @easly rusher: M.ut gypsies are in all kinds of stories and movies.N

3e: MAeah but it is kind of offensive <ust the same, there is a rich culture and history there that gets completely glossed over in favor of some kind of ?niversal "orror movie clichV.N El 0isgusto: M2h my -od you are such a pussy 'b=. %t6s a stupid board game not an ethnic slur. %t isn6t like someone made gypsies some kind of a weird character class in a role playing game.N 3e: M3an that would be tasteless. % <ust think we as gamers should be more culturally sensitive.N 'senath: MTough talk from the guy playing the Iulu.N heating .astard: MEnough of this. % cast !eeble 3ind at the -ypsy.N .lobert Smith: M'nd she casts it back.N heating .astard: M% cast @arp -ate.N .lobert Smith: M'nd so do %.N heating .astard: M'lchemyE % turn my spare sword into gold.N

.lobert Smith: M'nd % do the same.N heating .astard: M%mmobilityEN .lobert Smith: M.ack at you.N This went on until they had burned through the spell card deck, reshuffled and burned through it again. % started to worry that the two of them might go on like this all night but soon enough an argument erupted about whether or not a magic user could cast ounterspell against the -ypsies special ability. The fight went back and forth until heating .astard made an unkind remark about T!ascination Street6 and .lobert Smith attacked looking for all the world like an enraged bull dressed like the vampire Lestat. @hen we finally managed to pry the two of them apart we made a startling discovery. @easly rusher: MAou6veSyou6ve got Talisman cards hidden everywhere. %n your waistband, in your socks, in your pockets. EverywhereEN 3e: MAou were cheating at TalismanC 0o you have any idea how sad that isCN heating .astard: M2h come on it6s a game.N 3e: MAes a game you were cheating at.N heating .astard: M%t6s a game you big baby. @hat6s the matter 'b=C %s your ego so broken you can6t stand losingC 0o you bitch and whine over chutes and ladders tooCN 3e: MThis is without a doubt the stupidest argument %6ve ever had.N El 0isgusto: M@hat about the time % said that 0octor @ho could regenerate into a womanCN 3e: M"eyE 0on6t you startEN

' knock at the door interrupted me before % could remind El 0isgusto that the protagonist of the TG show 02 T2+ @"2 was called TThe 0octor6 not T0octor @ho6. 0eviant .oy got up to answer it. 3e: M2h look. The police) again.N 0eviant .oy: M@ere we too loud officersCN .lobert Smith: M,erhaps so. 3y battle cry is a high pitched keening thing.N ,olice 2fficer U7: M0o you two idiots have any idea how tired we are of having to come over hereCN ollateral 0arren: MSince our ta5es pay your salary % think you should be a little more respectful.N ,olice 2fficer U#: M+espectful or not we have a warrant for your arrest.N 0eviant .oy: M% knew those bootleg copies of .%- .'0 3'3' would be the end of us.N ,olice 2fficer U7: MNo actually this is because he6s been passing bad checks under an assumed name.N ,olice 2fficer U#: MAes apparently you bought hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise from a local game store with checks belonging to a Skippy Ganderhausen.N ollateral 0arren: M% think you6re very mistaken.N ,olice 2fficer U7: M@ho knows you might have gotten away with it if you hadn6t posted a notice looking for players for something called T.'TTLETE "6 with your real name and address at the bottom.N ,olice 2fficer U#: M% <ust hope you6re going to come along Duietly this

time.N ollateral 0arren: M% hope you reali4e that we6re in the middle of a game here. 3aybe you should come back later. %6d hate to have to contact your supervisor.N ,olice 2fficer: U7: MThe pepper spray it is then.N ollateral 0arren: M%EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN ,olice 2fficer U#: MNow what is the deal with all these milk cratesCN 0eviant .oy: M% think % can e5plainSN Needless to say the Talisman game and accessories were taken in as evidence, so were the milk crates. ollateral 0arren, 0eviant .oy and heating .astard were all arrested. heating .astard might have gone home that night if he hadn6t loudly started to argue that some of the Talisman cards were actually his and the police couldn6t take them unless they could tell him what the Telements of theft6 were. The rest of us stood outside the apartment each of us reeked of pepper spray, bleach and frustration. 3e: M@ell here we are again.N 'senath: MThis is the part of our evenings % never missed.N .lobert Smith: M,erhaps my lady % might be able to offer you a ride home in my -oth)mobile.N El 0isgusto: M%t6s a !ord EscortEN 'senath: M2h .lobby, % don6t know. % mean % think maybe we both still need some space.N .lobert Smith: MSpaceC @hy should we allow space to separate us when our bodies want nothing more than to congeal together into a pulsing sensual massC Foin me in my car and after ice cream we will

park near the airport and as your feet press against the back window, my body will crash against yours again and again like a fleshy surf breaking against the coastline of your womanhood.N +ehab .oy: M''''''''''''''''''''''''''""""EEEN @e stood there for a moment watching +ehab .oy run screaming into the night. 2ld Aellowbelly: M% have a funny feeling he6s going to lose those sobriety chips tonight.N El 0isgusto: M"ey was supposed to be my ride home. Nice going fart) knocker. @hich of you losers is going to drive me homeCN 2ld Aellowbelly: M% would but my car is full of 'mway merchandise.N 3e: M%6d rather have hot lead poured in my navel.N .lobert Smith: M% had planned to wander shirtless through a disused cemetery in tribute to my ennui. Aou could wait in the car if you likeSN El 0isgusto: MScrew that and screw you. Especially you 'b=.N 3e: M.ye now.N % watched him trudge off and disappear into the shadows. .lobert Smith: M% must go as well, the broken mausoleum of my dreams awaits.N 2ld Aellowbelly: MAeah % better get home too, %6ve got to get up early anyway.N 3e: M@hat do you do for a living anywayCN

2ld Aellowbelly: M%6m a security guard at a bank.N 3e: M2h my Lord.N .lobert Smith and 2ld Aellowbelly drove off. % suddenly began to feel strangely uncomfortable. % could feel 'senath6s eyes on me. % gave her an uncertain smile. 'senath: M@ell its <ust us.N 3e: M@ell what are you going to do nowC 're you going to wait for 0eviant .oy or somethingCN 'senath: M"ell no. @e are the past tense, besides he and .lobert were too needy.N 3e: M2hC 2h reallyCN 'senath: M% am a woman that knows what she wants and what % want is a real man.N 3e: M"ow very assertive.N 'senath: MSo % think you know what you6ve got to do here.N 3e: MLook %6m really flattered but %6m <ust notS % mean it6s not the baby arm thingS not that %6m disturbed by it Sit6s <ust that % still believe in love and % know you6re not the oneS % mean sure every other girl % ever thought was the one was actually cra4y or mean or both so what the "ell do % knowS but what %6m trying to say is that % <ust don6t ;N 'senath: M@hat the "ell are you talking aboutC % was trying to get you to leave so @easly and % can be alone.N 3e: M%... whatC @easly6s still hereCN @easly rusher: M0ude, %6m standing right beside you.N

3e: M2h. 2h my -od this is so embarrassing. 'senath: M an you go and be embarrassed somewhere else pleaseCN 3e: MAeah. Aeah sure.N % practically ran to my car and headed back to my apartment. 3y roommate was still out, probably on a hot date. 'lone in my bedroom % fired up my word processor. %t was a suitcase si4ed affair with elements of an electric typewriter in the back and an amber monitor roughly the si4e of a paperback novel in the front. Saving and proofreading my stories on little =.> floppy disks made me feel like % was truly a part of the computer age. % would feel very different about it a year or so later when the damn thing broke down and % discovered that hundreds of pages of stories were now saved in a speciali4ed format that only that model number of word processor could read. 0id % mention it wasn6t made any moreC %n no time at all % had lost myself in my latest novel in progress, it was about a group of 0J0 players who end up having to face a dragon in the real world. % was Duite happy with some parts of the story, the funny parts were thankfully kind of funny and the strange parts were pretty strange but whenever % got to the part where the protagonists banded together to win the day the story fell apart. % tried approaching the story from another angle but instead of saying things like M@e can do this guysEN or MThis is our momentEN my subconscious kept feeding me dialogue like M"a)ha you suckEN and M3aybe if you <ust banged a few chicks and cleared out your snorkel once in a while you might be a little less miserable.N % paused and wondered for a moment what @easly and 'senath were up to at that very moment but my mind refused to let those images linger. Still though, % had to wonder, were they behaving the way twenty)something6s should be behavingC @as % missing out because % was holding out for an ideal instead of sowing my wild oatsC 0id % even have any wild oats to sowC 2n a night like this % sure didn6t feel like it. % <ust felt like a punchline, % always felt like a punchline and

in a way it was kind of funny, all my life % had been a class clown but sometimes % felt desperate with the need for someone to take me seriously. Thinking of all the dating disasters % had endured over the last few years % wondered how differently they might have gone if % had been a little more like 0eviant .oy and a little less like me. @as % following my heart when % should have been following my prostateC % have to admit but % had to wonder what it would feel like to break someone6s heart. % always imagined it gave the same kind of satisfaction a 0ungeon 3aster received after plunging a freshly minted player character into a pit trap filled with acid. Everyone from bosses to my grandmother had always told me that the secret to love was to treat every princess like a whore, that the worse you were to someone you liked the more they would cling to you. They always told me things like MThat6s how the game is played.N .ut % had never had any intention of using that particular rules set. Now however on the cusp of my twenty)fifth birthday that game was looking better and better. 'nnoying -irl6s phone number was in my wallet, % pulled it out and stared at it for a long good while. @ould it be so bad ; so Lawful EvilC ' girl like herS a fat girl S she had to be used to spending her nights alone. She might be glad of a little attention. 'nd after % used her and never called her again % would know what it felt like to leave someone feeling like the fool. She would be the one waiting by the phone for a call that never came) she would be the one wondering what she could have done wrong. She would be the one left hanging. % liked the idea because as % writer % knew there was nothing worse than to be left hanging, to be left wondering what was going to happen ne5t.

R!".net Rant+#1

The :ast Stra4 Trilo"y Part Three: O) * 2OR* 7IT3 BI:6I)G originally posted on 9)7>)#$$9, $9:#O '3

@'+N%N- @"'T A2? SEE "E+E %S ' ,+E3%SE ST+ET "E0 T2 %TS .+E'/%N- ,2%NT Ever since % had moved into my own place % had refused to allow any gaming there. %t was more than worry over lingering odors, clogged toilets or the fact my roommate Lady ydonia was a very beautiful young woman. 'fter all, windows could be opened to clear the air, a plunger was all you needed to deal with a plugged toilet and Lady ydonia was more than a match for any lecherous gamer glances and come on lines. 3y concern was actually with the Lady herself. Aou see her fiancVe lived in New Aork ity and had a habit of visiting her at random. @hen these visits occurred he would Duickly drag Lady ydonia into her room and they would ; as the kids say these days ; get busy. +unning a game for the likes of El 0isgusto and ollateral 0arren was hard enough but % knew it would be impossible to do so with sounds of vigorous lovemaking and the music of /itaro bleeding in through the living room wall. Tonight however was different, Lady ydonia was in NA with her fiancVe for the weekend. That meant that as she indulged in a few days of sightseeing, shopping with a side of hot and cold running romance: % had the apartment to myself. % was more than ready for a few Duiet days of relative peace and Duiet, my night with 'nnoying -irl had gone much differently than % had e5pected and had left me with a lot to think about. "owever when the time came to actually consider what had happened that night % found myself instead trying to keep busy doing things like folding laundry or writing ; mostly folding laundry really.

So as you can imagine when @easly rusher called me to ask if there was any sign of a game on the hori4on % was more than willing to throw caution to the wind and have the whole damn gang come over. 3y only stipulation was that they had to each make sure they brought pre)generated 0J0 characters as well as refreshments or toilet paper. @ithin an hour ollateral 0arren, .lobert Smith, 0eviant .oy, @easly rusher, El 0isgusto and 2ld Aellowbelly were sitting around my dining room table. 3e: MSo let me get this straight, groupCN heating .astard is out of the

@easly rusher: M@ell we all had a sit down with him and told him that from now on if he wanted to game with us he couldn6t use his own dice, he had to use someone else6s.N 0eviant .oy: M'nd he had to roll in plain view of the entire group.N 3e: M@ell happenedCN ollateral 0arren: M"e got angry, said we were lousy then got violent.N hristians and

El 0isgusto: M@ell not that violent. "e only punched @easly.N 2ld Aellowbelly: MThat was violent enough, % had to hide in the closet.N El 0isgusto: M@easly should be used to it by now. "ell % punch him when the drive through gets our orders wrong.N @easly <ust rubbed his shoulder and glared sullenly at that. 3e: MSo he6s out huhC 'nother player gone, how many is this now that +ehab .oy is back in +ehabCN El 0isgusto: M@ho caresC

.lobert Smith: M@e meet at the table of the world to play the great role playing game that is life. New characters appear as others fade into the background: each participant6s passing from the table leaves only a memory and an empty chair. 's the focus of the campaign shifts from drama to low comedy to horror it is our duty to keep playing until the one day the grief of being surrounded by so many empty chairs forces us to bow out as well.N El 0isgusto: M-od % hate you.N 3e: M.lobert you never fail to disappoint.N ollateral 0arren: M.y the way % brought soda and a ,aladin.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M% brought a fighter and some cookies.N 0eviant .oy: M% brought chips and a female magic user, but get thisS she6s a furry. Top that .lobertEN .lobert Smith: MGery well. % have brought a half)elven psionist with an unnatural attraction to underage illithid maidens. % have also brought toilet paper as soft as the chin of a twelve year old boy. N 0eviant .oy: M0amn.N El 0isgusto: M.lobert, did % mention % hate youCN @easly rusher: M"ey. Aou guys told me % had to bring a whole sub platterEN El 0isgusto: M'ctually % said you should do it if you know what6s good for you because %6m not bringing one thing more than a nin<a and some attitude.N 3e: M2k. Thanks for the sub platter @easly and what kind of character are you going to playCN El 0isgusto: M0oes it matterC %t6ll <ust be dead in the first twenty minutes anyway.N

@easly rusher: M'ctually % thought % would play a cleric so the party needs to help my character stay alive.N 0eviant .oy: M@ell doneEN 2ld Aellowbelly: M% wish %6d thought of that.N .lobert Smith: M% find that both in 0ungeons and 0ragons as well as mainstream fantasy literature the most effective adventuring parties are essentially co)dependent.N 3e: M.e that as it mayS oh wait. % left my dice in my room. "ang on for a second.N 3y room was cluttered with books, role playing games and piles of uncompleted manuscripts. 'fter some searching % found my dicebag near my small portable TG. % took a moment to pause at the photograph % had set down beside my word processor: it was of a smiling couple standing on the deck of one of Lake -eorge6s steamboats. @hen % got back to the table % found everyone had helped themselves to food and they had even been kind enough to set aside a plate and can of soda for me as well. % forced my mind back to the game, after a few sips of soda and had a bite to eat as % got my maps and graph paper together. ollateral 0arren: M"ey 'b= are these your recordsCN 3e: MAes.N ollateral 0arren: MAou do know vinyl is dead rightC There are these things called 0s now.N 3e: MAes % do know that and % do have a lot of 0s but % don6t have the money to replace all my music in one fell swoop.N

ollateral 0arren: M@ell there isn6t much % see here that is worth replacing.N 3e: M@ell thanks. %t1s good to know you1re an 79th level music critic.N ollateral 0arren: M% mean look at this) EL2 -reatest "its, +E2 Speedwagon -reatest "its, II TopC %t1s like Top P$ alphabet soup.N 3e: M% en<oy the music, what1s the big dealCN ollateral 0arren: M% guess you1re a pop music kind of guy. Look at this, % haven1t seen this much 2livia Newton Fohn outside of a garage sale.N 3e: M1,hysical1 is a great album.N ollateral 0arren: M@ell she is not what % would call relevant... (anaduC Aou have the soundtrack to (anaduCN .lobert Smith: M'h (anadu. That most Thomas Ligotti)esDue of musicals.N @easly rusher: M@hatC @hat are you talking aboutCN

El 0isgusto: MN2E 0on1t get him started.N .lobert Smith: M onsider the plot if you would dear @easly. 'n otherworldly creature comes to Earth in the early 78O$6s much as she has once every generation since time began. She schemes and inveigles to draw together a musician whose soul she crushed a in the distant past with an artist of dubious merit. 'nd what does this so) called muse inspire these men to doC To open a roller disco. ' roller disco in the twilight of the disco era. 'nd not <ust any roller discoE (anadu is the all singing, all dancing, mime infested apotheosis of roller discos. "ow could these two men not fail utterlyC "ow could they not find themselves destroyed financially and emotionallyC 3eanwhile our anti)heroine /ira has already retreated back to her realm of neon madness leaving only a dull eyed simulacrum in her place to torment the men further. The horror of itE The soul)rending horrorEN

0eviant .oy: M@ow.... Fust wow.N El 0isgusto: M% warned you damnit.N ollateral 0arren: M"mmm Stevie Nicks, no problem there. 2h wait. "oly crap. ...Ganity K, Ganity, 'pollonia K. % really hope you <ust got these to whack off to the covers.N El 0isgusto: M@hy are there socks on themCN 3e: M'lways gotta be riding that ragged edge of disaster don1t youCN .lobert Smith: M,erhaps it is <ust as well that the musical genre is dead.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M%t isn1t dead. ,eople go to see musicals all the time.N El 0isgusto: M2nly gay people, tourists and old ladies watch musicals.N @easly rusher: M-uys can we start playingCN alcutta1 is worth seeing.N

0eviant .oy: M% think 12h

3e: MThis musical genre is not dead. %n fact it can be pretty inventive. "ave any of you seen 1Sweeney Todd1CN @easly rusher: M an we start soonCN

ollateral 0arren: M1"oward the 0uckC1 Aou have the soundtrack to 1"oward the 0uck1C 3y -od man. 'nd by the way, musicals are corny.N El 0isgusto: MEven worse, musicals are stupid. % mean how can you believe in a world where people <ust break into a song about how the sun is shiningCN 3e: MThis from a man that believes the nin<a Firaiya was a real person.N El 0isgusto: M"e was a real person dumbass.N

3e: M"e was a folk legend. They said he could turn himself into a toadE There1s no proof.N El 0isgusto: MThe fact there is no proof, proves that he did e5ist. "e was such a great nin<a that he hid from history itself. Now that is a stealth roll.N @easly rusher: M-uys %1m here to play 0J0. an we start soonCN

ollateral 0arren: M2h % don1t believe thisE +oy 2rbisonCN 3e: M0on1t diss the .ig 2, <ust don1t.N ollateral 0arren: M"e was a Traveling @ilbury dude.N Suddenly the conversation was drowned out by the wail of a guitar. The walls of the room seemed to fall away into a smoky white field full of shifting shapes that seemed to almost take on form only to recede a heartbeat later. The wailing of the guitar resolved itself into a familiar, slightly racist guitar lick from the 789$1s... @easly rusher: &To the tune of 1Turning Fapanese1 by the Gapors* 2!"ve got some d34s they"re red and blue 5here"s some d64s and pencils too !"ve got no handboo but !"ve memori7ed the rules !"ll play a cleric in robes of brown %e"ll wield a bludgeon but not in town %e"ll fight the monsters where"s there"s treasure to be found !"ll play a cleric, !"ll play a cleric %e"ll have an 38 wisdom for casting spells 9on"t want no wi7ard, don"t want no nin+a :et the fighters hog up all of the ills !"ve got him statted up and written down %e"s in the tavern waiting "round (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9

! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon ! pac ed my caltrops, and extra torches !f you need mapping better get someone else ! want adventure and random mayhem &nd to divest all those obolds of wealth :et"s get that marching order written down We"ll soon be fighting underground (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some ! hope we start soon 9;9 9;9 9;9 9;9

*o sex, no drugs, no wine, no women <ust chips and soda and games we play until dar 5he table it is crowded with English 'a+ors 5he table it is crowded with minimum wagers Everyone... 5hat"s why we"re playing 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon

(laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon1 ... my dining room had become an overlit music video set, the other players had become a backing band. % could only sit there in my chair fro4en in disbelief as % waited for the guitar solo to end. @easly rusher: 2(laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon, start soon (laying 9;9 We"re here to play some 9;9 ! hope we start soon1 The music faded, the room seemed to settle back into its familiar shape. The players returned to their seats, their instruments gone as though they had never been there at all. % tried to speak but % was fro4en in place. @hat had happened hereC @as % going madC El 0isgusto: M"elloE Earth to 'b=E Let1s get this show on the road.N

3e: MAes. Aes of course. Let1s get this song on the) show on the road.N ollateral 0arren: MAou sure you1re 2/ manC Aou look a little off.N El 0isgusto: MAou should see his girlfriend.N 3e: M@hatC 2h, well our adventure begins in the @orld of -reyhawk, your characters are all veterans of the fourth great war against the 2rc empire. 'n army made up of forces from the human and dwarven empires were able to drive back the 2rc forces but the elves chose to remain neutral. This terrible war has left the economy of -reyhawk in a shambles. rime and poverty are rampant.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M%s it safe for my fighter to walk around at nightC Should he hire a bodyguardCN ollateral 0arren: M'n interesting campaign world but what is the dragon to halfling ratioCN 0eviant .oy: MAou know what a war meansC "ot refugee chicksE "ot refugee chicks willing to do anything for a warm blanket and a crust of bread.N .lobert Smith: M3y character deals with his post traumatic stress by putting porridge up his nose on moonlit nights.N @easly rusher: M@hy would he)N

El 0isgusto: M0on1tE Fust don1t.N 3e: MAour characters are in a local tavern waiting for an old man who has promised you a map to the location of an ancient treasure. Aou are all sitting around waiting)N El 0isgusto: M% am sharpening my katana on a mithral whetstone.N 3e: M@hy would you do thatCN El 0isgusto: MSo it will be super thin and super sharp.N

3e: M%t will be super broken.N El 0isgusto: M3y character has invented the monofilament blade a thousand years early.N .lobert Smith: M% beg your pardon but % must abscond to the rest room. ,lease continue without me and please consider that my character is an eager participant in all that the party does.N % watched .lobert stagger away from the table. !or a moment % thought the shadows of the room clutched after him but then % was sure it was <ust me being tired. % sat back down in my chair, unsure when % had stood. El 0isgusto: MSince he1s up for whatever we do let1s kill his character.N 0eviant .oy: MNoEN ollateral 0arren: M're we here to play or screw with each otherCN @easly rusher: M0on1t ask Duestions like that, you won1t like the answer.N 3e: MAou all sit around in the tavern, discussing your ambitions and backstories. Then you see him, an old man eating a modest meal and watching you intently.N 0eviant .oy: M3y wi4ardess wets her lips.N 3e: MThe old man gets unsteadily to his feet and hobbles over to you. Aou can see he has a long white beard and a blue wi4ard1s cap. "e asks 1're you the Legion of Girtue1CN ollateral 0arren: M's far as he knows yes.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M% hide under the table in case he is a wight in disguise.N

3e: M"e says 1% have heard that you are noble warriors eager for adventure and gold.6N @easly him.N rusher: M3y cleric e5plains that he goes where his god tells

3e: MThe old man says, 1% have need of such heroes for a great undertaking. This yellowed parchment in my hand is the only surviving map to the tomb of Shartok the ?nattractive. ' wi4ard so ugly that he turned away from all human contact in pursuit of his dubious arts.6N El 0isgusto: M@ell % guess you 03 what you know.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M%1m still under the table.N 0eviant .oy: M3y wi4ardess runs her hands provocatively up and down her staff.N @easly rusher: M@hat the "ell are you doingCN

0eviant .oy: MShe1s looking for a high level sugar daddy.N ollateral 0arren: MShhhE % want to hear where he1s going with this.N 3e: MThe old man e5plains that the tomb is full of all the gold and <ewels you could ever want and all he needs in return is an ob<ect at the heart of the dungeon) the (enon ode5, a crystal spellbook that)N ollateral 0arren: M% nod knowingly to the nin<a.N El 0isgusto: M% kill the old man.N 3y venerable sage never stood a chance. "e died on the floor of an imaginary tavern choking on his imaginary blood. The headache % felt forming behind my forehead howeverC That was all too real. 2ld Aellowbelly: M% run for the door.N

ollateral 0arren: M@e relieve the old man of the map. @e don1t need no stinkin1 Duest we can <ust keep all the treasure for ourselves.N 0eviant .oy: M utting out the middleman. % like it, unless of course you1re having a threesome.N @easly rusher: M2h my sweet lord.N

3e: M2utraged the bouncers descend on you, other people are screaming for the town guard.N El 0isgusto: M'h the forces of law and order.N ollateral 0arren: M%n other words, easy (,.N The party, e5cept for .lobert1s and 2ld Aellowbelly6s characters, waded into the helpless town guards. "acking and slashing their way out of the town. !or better or worse the adventure was on its way, not how % had e5pected, but it was on its way. 3e: M0id you have to destroy the entire townCN El 0isgusto: M@hat is looting without a little pillagingC 0eviant .oy: M@e make our way to the forest and camp in the woods. @e send 2ld Aellowbelly out to gather some firewood.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M'loneC 3aybe we should all go together, there6s safety in numbers you know.N El 0isgusto: MFust go. %f we hear bloodcurdling screams we6ll probably send @easly to save you.N ollateral 0arren: M2k we check out the map.N 3e: MAou see it is in gnomish.N

El 0isgusto: M"ey dumbass no one in the party speaks gnomish.N 3e: M@ell how about thatC 3aybe running the old man through wasn6t such a good idea after all.N @easly rusher: M% knew it.N

El 0isgusto: M2h what is this crapCN ollateral 0arren: M!ine % <ust say we keep on pillaging and looting.N 0eviant .oy: M an we get some raping in tooCN 2ld Aellowbelly: MAour character is a female.N 0eviant .oy: MShe has a staff.N 3e: M-uys we have a whole scenario ahead of us here. % didn6t work two days on a game world for you guys <ust to engage in pointless random violence.N El 0isgusto: M@e6re haotic Neutral, that6s practically a get out of plot developments free card.N 3e: MNo. %6m going to put my foot down on this one.N .efore we could argue further the apartment shook with a wet T"?3, sound. @easly rusher: M2h my -od what was thatCN

2ld Aellowbelly: M%s it the apocalypseCN 3e: M.lobertCN .lobert Smith: M0amn you -eneral TsoE 0'3N A2?EEEEN

% got up and ran to the bathroom to find .lobert sprawled face first on the tiles: da4edly trying to raise himself. "is pants were still around his ankles, my toilet was brimming with organic foulness. See what % mean about gamers and toiletsC @hat the "ell... 'nyway, % helped .lobert reorgani4e himself and we sat on the edge of my bathtub. % tried to ignore the smell coming from my toilet but wondered if porcelain could melt. 3e: M.lobert. @hat the hell happened thereC 0o you need to go to the hospitalCN .lobert Smith: MThis is merely a symptom of my passion for all things culinary.N 3e: MAou mean your diabetesC 'ren1t you taking care of itCN .lobert Smith: M% am meeting the enemy head on. % will not curb my appetites for the sake of a genetic discrepancy. % will not go gently into that good diet.N 3e: M're you serious about thisC Aou want to dieCN .lobert Smith: M0eath is not to be feared it is simply a saving throw that grows more difficult with the passing of time.N 3e: M@hat was that whole thing about -eneral TsoCN .lobert Smith: M% think perhaps % over)indulged on the good general1s chicken dish before % came here. Aou see % have been forced to go to the hinese buffet because % have been banned from the -olden orral for life.N 3e: M?h, whyCN .lobert Smith: MLet me only say that if eating macaroni and cheese directly from the steam trays is wrong than % have no desire to ever be right.N

3e: M% tell you what, why don6t you head down back to the table and %6ll clean up in hereS somehow.N .lobert Smith: MAes. ,erhaps there are some cookies left.N 3e: M-reat.N .lobert Smith: M,lease do not tell the others of this, % am something of a role model to them.N 3e: M're you sure you don6t need to go to the hospitalCN leanup wasn6t as bad % had feared. %t was worse. Aears later % have to wonder how he managed to get feces under the rim of the toilet seat. That6s the kind of trick no 0e5 modifier can simulate. ' can of Lysol later % headed back to the table. The cookies were gone and my players were animatedly discussing the merits of the bastard sword versus the long sword. 3e: M2k now that you6ve brought .lobert up to speedSN ollateral 0arren: MAou wanted us to do thatCN 3e: M@ell % assumedSN El 0isgusto: M0oes he really need to knowC 'll he6s going to do is his foofy poetry stuff.N 3e: M'll right let me Duickly recap what you missed.N ollateral 0arren: MNo. % can do it. Aou get organi4ed for the tomb.N 3e: M@ell % appreciate tha) N Then it a happened again. The air of my living room was filled with the sounds of easy listening music. ollateral 0arren stood and the recap

began. ollateral 0arren: &To the tune of 1Escape aka The ,ina by +upert "olmes* 25here was a man in the tavern Wi7ened, grasping a map With a long white beard &nd blue wi7ard"s cap #o he sat there nursing %is mug of ale and his bread &nd when he spied our party %e came right over and said =!f you crave +ewels and adventure &nd can shrug off some pain !f don"t fear the undead !f your bloodlust won"t wane !f you want bags of gold and silver !"ve a >uest that can"t wait We"ll +ust ta e this old map here &nd we"ll march for the gates./1 The stage lights were everywhere again and ollateral 0arren was rocking the room in true lounge li4ard style. 2nce again the rest if the gang had become his backing band in a scene reminiscent of the best work of Lancelot Link and The Evolution +evolution. ollateral 0arren: 2We didn"t thin about the morals &nd what we did might seem mean But we new that this dungeon Would raise us up a few levels with ease #o ! glanced at the nin+a &nd he new what to do %e swiftly drew his atana &nd ran that old man right through olada Song

=?es we li e +ewels and adventure &nd we"ll go on your >uest But we won"t share our damn loot &s !"m sure you have guessed &nd don"t you worry "bout that treasure map !t"s +ust something we"ll ta e #o we"ll leave you to bleed out We than you for the brea ./1 % don6t know where the studio audience came from, my sense of direction and balance had been lost to me a do4en stan4as ago. % tried to get up from my chair, % tried speak but it was like one of nightmares where you know you6re dreaming and know if you could <ust call for help, if you could <ust cry out, you would waken yourself to a saner world. No words escaped my lips, % couldn6t even hum along. ollateral 0arren: 2#o we fought past the bouncers 5he city guard and the mob We raided all the local merchants &nd found a magic shop to could rob )nce the town was in ruins We too a glance at the map 5hen we saw it was in gnomish &nd we said, =What is this crap@/ We don"t want maps with gnomeAcodes &ll we want is gold >uic But the 9' has screwed us Because he acts li e a pric #o we"ll +ust wander through the campaign world ,inding stuff we can ta e $ause when you/re $haotic *eutral ?ou can act li e a fla e !f you crave +ewels and adventure &nd can shrug off some pain

!f don"t fear the undead !f your bloodlust won"t wane !f you want bags of gold and silver We"ve a mission to ta e Because peasants can"t fight bac !n their boots they will >ua e1 %t all began to fade out, the music, the voices, the stage, and the props. % was back in reality again, my eyes wide, my pulse racing. ollateral 0arren: 2?es we li e <ewels and adventure )nly +ust on our terms But we won"t fight no dragons &nd we hate purple worms #o we"ll +ust wander through the campaign world Because we"re ($s in an game &nd can do what we all li e *o 9' can complain1 .lobert Smith: MSo that6s what happened, a fairly standard campaign opening for us really. @hat town shall we raid ne5tCN 3e: M%S ?hS %S did anyone hear thatCN ollateral 0arren: M"ear whatCN 3e: MNever mind. %t must have been the house settling.N 0eviant .oy: MAou live in an apartment.N 3e: M'nyway, % am not running a game where you run around like a bunch of kill happy lunatics.N .lobert Smith: M%n our defense it is what we do best.N 3e: MNo. %n fact the god .occob appears before you and says that for

your crimes you must go to the Tomb of Shartok the ?nattractive and retrieve the (enon ode5. %f not he will destroy you and the world utterly.N El 0isgusto: M@hat6s in it for usCN 0eviant .oy: MNow let me get this straight, we6ve got the god .occob ticked off at us.N 3e: MAes.N 0eviant .oy: MThat6s .occob the ?ncaring.N 3e: M!or the last time yes. 'nd he transports you all into the dungeon.N El 0isgusto: M!ine we leave.N 3e: M'nd he teleports you right back.N 0eviant .oy: M'gain this is .occob the ?ncaring doing this.N 3e: M3ust be having an off day % guess.N .lobert Smith: M3y character is more than eager to take up the Duest. Shall we establish a marching orderCN % started to set out the maps and miniatures for the first encounter. % had decided to start out with something simple, a small group of goblins to wet their appetites for destruction. %magine my surprise when one of the goblin mini6s leapt from my hand, climbed on top of a d7# and started to sing) -oblin 3ini: &To the tune of 1@elcome to the Fungle6 by -uns and +oses* 2Welcome to the 9ungeon We"ve got wights and ghouls We"ve certain death for all &dventurers and fools

5his is the crypt where you can find #tirge and strangle weed &nd if you fight the *eoAotyugh ?ou can brag about the deed !n the 9ungeon Welcome to the 9ungeon Watch it grind up your %ada dada da %(s, %(s *o, no you can"t bring your steed1 2f course the other mini6s had <oined in on the musical interlude: lead swords had become guitars, staves had become microphone stands. The other mini6s danced and cheered. -oblin 3ini: 2Welcome to the 9ungeon 5here"s more orcs everyday ?a learn to avoid the pit traps )r your lungs they"ll perforate !f you brought torches to help you see ?ou use them up eventually ?ou never now where the rot grubs are #o watch out where you pee1 't that moment % had to wonder who might come for me first, then men in white coats or the +ecording %ndustry 'ssociation of 'merica. % also couldn6t decide which option was more terrifying. -oblin 3ini: 2!n the 9ungeon Welcome to the 9ungeon Watch it grind up your %ada dada da %(s, %(s *o, no you can"t bring your steed When you rise in levels 5he vampires will drain you bac down

Bac down, bac down, bac down ?ou now where you are ?ou"re in the 9ungeon baby ?ou"re gonna die !n the 9ungeon Welcome to the 9ungeon Watch it grind up your %ada dada da %(s, %(s !n the 9ungeon Welcome to the 9ungeon Where the, the, the oo7e is green !n the 9ungeon Welcome to the 9ungeon Watch it grind up your %ada dada da %(s, %(s !n the 9ungeon Welcome to the 9ungeon Watch it grind down your !t"s gonna grind your down %U%01 ollateral 0arren: M2k we6ve decided. @here should we place our mini6sCN 3e: M%S % thinkS well how did they get up there on those diceC Fust a minute guysSN The party did surprising well: they relied on @easly6s cleric to turn most of the undead and made Duick work of the occasional kobold. 2ld Aellowbelly stayed behind the rest of the party but his fighter6s girlish screams made an e5cellent rear guard for them. Soon enough they were getting weighted down with treasure and they hadn6t even gotten near the (enon ode5 yet. There was a brief pause in the action as .lobert stood. .lobert Smith: M% reDuire more soda. @here is the bottle of + colaCN

@easly

rusher: M+ight beside you.N

ollateral 0arren: MAou know %6ve always wondered how come none of you guys like 3ountain 0ewCN 3e: M.ecause. Fust because.N ' ripping sound interrupted us and % saw that in the act of bending over .lobert had ripped open the seat of his pants. .lobert Smith: M.lastEN El 0isgusto: MToo funnyEN 2ld Aellowbelly: MThat stinks man.N .lobert Smith: M%t6s no bother.N 2ld Aellowbelly: MNo % mean that literally stinks, do you ever change your underwearCN .lobert Smith: MSadly the washing of my loins has become a torturous e5perience at best.N 0eviant .oy: MNow how many pairs of pants has this been for youCN 3e: M0oes this happen a lotCN .lobert Smith turned to look at me and % heard the first strains of another 9$6s guitar riff. The rest of my gaming group had their instruments in hand and .lobert was standing before a microphone. The audience that surrounded me was churning and faceless. @hen .lobert sang his entire body seemed to Duiver and gyrate with a kind of non)Euclidean choreography. .lobert Smith: &To the tune of 1She6s Lost 25he tearing in my breeches says it all ontrol6 by Foy 0ivison*

!"ve split my pants &nd ! feel the fabric pulling from my thighs !"ve split my pants &nd there will soon be a draft upon on my ass Because !"ve split my pants again ,or coo ies and pies to me are li e crac ! said !"ve split my pants again1 The guitar work was intense: % didn6t think 2ld Aellowbelly had it in him. "e usually hated loud noises. .lobert6s hair was flying about his head as he danced: % thought to myself that he look like a blurred nightmare vision in frilled sleeves and crushed velvet. Then % cursed as % reali4ed he had me doing it. .lobert Smith: 25here are no Both shops in big and tall ! said !"ve split my pants again #oon all !"ll have to wear is overalls and slac s ! said !"ve split my pants again &nd ! got banned from <enny $raig for bringing snac s !"ve split my pants again &nd !"ve lost the 7ipper right off of my fly ! said !"ve split my pants !"ve split my pants again !"ve split my pants !"ve split my pants again !"ve split my pants1 2h the humanityE 2h the -othsanityE 'gain % tried to make sense of what was happening. @as % hallucinatingC %t was hard to tell because % had e5perienced so few hallucinations in my life. ' lot of delusions, but no hallucinations. .lobert Smith:

2Well the doctor pleads with me to slow my pace &nd sees !"ve split my pants again Because my waistline conspires to give my heart the sha es ! split my pants again But ! can"t stay on a diet when there are ca es 5hat"s why ! split my pants again &nd ! will never choose a salad over the grave you see !"ve split my pants !"ve split my pants again !"ve split my pants !"ve split my pants again !"ve split my pants1 'nd then it was over again. % blinked my eyes e5perimentally, terrified that another musical number might burst to life any moment. ollateral 0arren: M're you okCN 3e: M@"AC 0oS do % look like there6s something wrongCN ollateral 0arren: MAou6re crumpling the 0ungeon 3aster6s screen in your hands.N 3e: M2h. 2h. %t must be gas. Aeah % must have gas.N @easly rusher: MAou6re sweaty, trembling and your eyes are bugging out. % haven6t seen you look like this since the year they canceled T0octor @ho6.N 3e: MThey did not cancel T0octor @ho6E They turned it into a novel range so they could tell stories that were too broad and deep for the small screen.N 0eviant .oy: M2kaaaaay then. an we get back to the gameCN

3e: MSure sure. % think you had all <ust discovered a group of bugbears living in the dungeon. 'pparently they broke through of one the tomb walls and started nesting here. There are do4ens of them.N

ollateral 0arren: M3ore than we can handle in a straight up fight. 3aybe we should go around them.N 0eviant .oy: M2k %6ve got an idea, my wi4ardess and the fighter with the soiled armor will scout ahead and try and find a way through.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M3eC @hy meC @hy not @easly6s characterCN ollateral 0arren: M.ecause we need the cleric alive.N 0eviant .oy: MTrust me. % know what %6m doing. "ey 'b=, % bet you never thought those items % insisted my character bring along would come in handy.N 3e: M'ctually % prayed nothing like this would happen.N .lobert Smith: M,ray in one hand and wait for androgynous fairies to dance in the other) see which fills faster.N 2ld Aellowbelly: MThat6s not how thatS. never mind. @hat is this planC 0eviant .oy: M andi the mage has two great skills. 2ne is casting prismatic spray from her crotch)N 3e: M!or the last time, no it6s not.N 0eviant .oy: M!ine, then her only great skill aside from magic is making bear costumes. Now she carries two of them with her at all times. 2ne is for special occasions but % think that in this case she6ll make an e5ception.N 2ld Aellowbelly: MSo we put on the bear costumes to try and fool the bugbears into thinking we6re part of the packCN 0eviant .oy: ME5actly.N 2ld Aellowbelly: MThat6s so cra4y it might <ust get me killed.N El 0isgusto: MEither your character does this or my nin<a gets his

murder on.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M+ats. 2k % suit up.N The fur)clad fighter and wi4ard crept through the nest of bugbears, for a while they made their stealth roles and the bugbears failed to pay them any attention. Then % got a really good role and they got a really bad one. 2ld Aellowbelly: M2h no. 2h no.N 3e: MSeveral of the male bugbears approach you while the females stay back guarding the young.N ollateral 0arren: M3an you guys are so dead.N 0eviant .oy: MNot yet we6re not.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M@ell what are we going to do thenCN 0eviant .oy: MFust stay down Aellowbelly. Try to make yourself as small and unthreatening as possible.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M% do it.N 3e: MThe bugbears are drawing closer.N 0eviant .oy: MNow % think what happens ne5t will cause a reaction or morale roll.N .lobert Smith: M% am either Duivering with anticipation or % am going to pass out again.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M0o we wait for them to get close and then attackCN 0eviant .oy: MNo <ust have your fighter be as still as you can.N ollateral 0arren: M% don6t think playing dead will)N

0eviant .oy: M3y wi4ardess mounts 2ld Aellowbelly6s character and starts humping him.N 3e: M@hatCN 0eviant .oy: M3ake a reaction roll for them. They might <ust think we are a couple of fellow bugbears getting it on.N 3e: M@hatC No. @hy would % do such a thingCN 'nd so began that most time honored tradition in 0J0 games: the # hour argument about nonsense. 2n one side we had ollateral 0arren and 0eviant .oy arguing that yes they should be able to convince the other bugbears that 2ld Aellowbelly is a female and while he causes a distraction, the rest of the party could sneak through the cave unscathed. @easly rusher and 2ld Aellowbelly meanwhile argued that not only was this plan an %ntelligence = level maneuver, the very idea made no sense because the smells and body language was all wrong. This led to 0eviant .oy regaling us with stories about animals that had tried to mate with humans, including a story about a particularly randy giant sea turtle with a scuba diver fi5ation that left me reeling. This led to a debate over the relative intellect of a giant sea turtle versus your standard bugbear: soon enough old copies of 0+'-2N maga4ine where being pulled out so articles could be sited. 3eanwhile .lobert Smith and El 0isgusto were having their own argument about if animals should have alignments at all. % knew where % stood on that particular argument because my mother had once owned a poodle that could only have been haotic Evil. !inally % had to make a ruling and in true 0ungeon 3aster fashion, it was one that nobody was happy with. %n order to keep things moving % decreed that yes their insane plan had worked up to a point but several of the bugbears had gotten a free attack on them before they got out. 's for 2ld Aellowbelly, % ruled he got a way with some hit point damage as well but he had retained a shred of his dignity. 2nce the players had gotten clear and were hidden in a disused catacomb a fresh new argument began.

El 0isgusto: M2k cleric)boy make with the heals.N @easly rusher: M% only have one ure Light @ounds left.N

El 0isgusto: M@ell lets get to it.N 0eviant .oy: M@hoa wait a minute here, % think the spellcaster should be protected over the nin<a. ' nin<a can <ust get out of the way of danger.N El 0isgusto: MAes but the nin<a can kill the cleric if he doesn1t do the smart thing.N .lobert Smith: M3y character takes the blood from his wounds and the bugbear smegma from Aellowbelly1s befouled bear costume and paints an ankh upon his face to appease his god.N ollateral 0arren: M3aybe we should save it until someone is closer to death1s door.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M3y character has three hit points leftE That is death1s welcome mat.N ollateral 0arren: M.ut your character was always kobold fodder anyway.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M@hatC 3y fighter is a critical part of the team.N El 0isgusto: M2nly if submissive urination becomes a combat techniDue.N 0eviant .oy: M@ell it is ultimately your character6s decision @easly but my wi4ardess can make it very worth your while. Two words ; prismatic spray.N 3e: M!or the last time noEN @easly rusher: M% don6t know what to do. % was kinda saving that last heal for myself.N

El 0isgusto: M3y nin<a starts doing his death kata.N 0eviant .oy: M@hat is thatCN 3e: MAeah.N El 0isgusto: M% don6t know either but it sounds friggin6 awesome.N ollateral 0arren: MAou got me there.N 3e: M@ell @easly what are you going to doCN @easly: M2hS % hate decisions like thisSN 'nd suddenly the music started again, a smooth synthesi4er beat infused with a 3otown sound. Terrified % looked up to see 2ld Aellowbelly in a black tu5 standing before a microphone. The other players were his backup singers) bad haircuts, torn pants and all. 2ld Aellowbelly: &To the tune of TSe5ual "ealing6 by 3arvin -aye* 2$ast heal, $ast heal, $ast heal $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds )h $leric my fighter may not survive )www $leric !"m slashed from stem to sternum 'y guts are churnin" &nd $leric, my saving throws ! have failed 'y torso/s impaled, my flesh flailed 'y limbs have lost all feeling ! need $lerical %ealing $lerical %ealing, oh save me %elps me to stay alive (lease reset my spine $lerical %ealing baby is good for me $lerical %ealing is something that"s good for me1 %t was unmistakably 2ld Aellowbelly6s voice yet somehow he was lip

synching. 3y face felt hot, my limbs felt tingly. % was almost definitely sure % was having a stroke and this was some fevered dream born of my collapsing on my clock radio. 2ld Aellowbelly: 2Whenever my blood pressure is dropping &nd my entrails are piled up around my feet 5here is nothing ! can do ! can crawl across the floor and cry help baby $leric ! now from death"s door you"ll retrieve me 5he magic you use will uncleave me !f you"re out of !"ll be s>uealing ! can"t live without it, its $lerical %ealing $ast heal, $ast heal, $ast heal, $ast heal, raise my hits tonight $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds, before the next fight.1 .ut if % was going to start having a near death hallucination why would it be musical numbers and not some sweet memory or at the very least a pissed off angel with a long list of sins and a bottle of Fack 0anielsC 2ld Aellowbelly: 2$leric, ! got +umped while scouting 5here was no warning so ! could flee $leric, adventure was my bounty *ot for some bugbear to mount me &nd when my flesh is peeling ! need $lerical %ealing $lerical %ealing is good for me ?ou can restore my eye, and fix my tush #ome say it restores the hymen but there"s some debate $lerical %ealing baby it"s good for me $lerical %ealing is something that"s good for me1 %n the midst of that musical interlude % wondered to myself what sweet

memories % would take to the grave. 3y first kissC 3y familyC No. 'll those memories led to heartbreak. % tried to find something else, college work, anything. % remembered the time my dwarven fighter fought a black dragon to a standstill. 2r the day my Dui5otic Fedi found the way to truly use the force and saved the day. 2r the many ,aranoia sessions that ended with my clone being the last one standing. NoE % thought to myself that this couldn6t be right, that % had to have better memories somewhere in the back of my mind. % lost all track of the music as % tried to think of something, anything. 't first the best % could manage was episode four of TEarthshock6. ould this really beC ould all my best memories be fictionalC

Then % thought of that night over a week ago at the drive in, of completely missing the second feature. 2ld Aellowbelly: 2&nd it"s good for me and it"s so good to me (lease $leric ohhh $ast $ure :ight Wounds or else !"m doomed 'y fighter/s lagging behind Because the cost of potions is a such crime ?ou"re my last resort, drop your mace and help me out ,or your god is great ! can/t wait 5o be in a better state $ast heal, $ast heal, $ast heal, $ast heal, raise my hits tonight $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds, $ure Wounds, before the next fight When stats are reeling, ! need $lerical %ealingC1 % didn6t see the room return to normal this time, % didn6t hear the music fade out. % was <ust staring at my 036s screen and thinking.

El 0isgusto: M"ere he goes again.N ollateral 0arren: M"ey 'b=. Aou ready for to go onCN 3e: M're you guys doneCN 2ld Aellowbelly: M0one whatCN Aou see % had planned to use 'nnoying -irl, % savored the idea of hurting someone for once, of really hurting someone. 'nd if it was a girl that was infatuated with meC 'll the better. %t was a double feature, T"ousesitter6 and T0eath .ecomes "er6. The first movie had been so damn forgettable that she and % had ended up talking for almost ninety minutes. % admit that at first % was <ust chatting her up before % decided to try and make my way around the bases. 0eviant .oy: M@hat is with you tonightCN .lobert Smith: M% have seen that look many times before. %t is a look of profound revelation. % saw that look once before when % answered the door for the ?,S man in a robe that was far, far too short.N El 0isgusto: M're you sure that was what it wasC 're you reallyCN @hat stopped me from going through with my male chauvinist plan was the sound % heard. %t was a sound so strange it was almost unrecogni4able. % was laughing. Not a fake Tgoing along with the crowd6 kind of chuckle or the snide <eeri % seemed to give and receive so often these days. No this was real, from the belly laughter. The kind of laughter % had lost touch with the year % failed ninth grade.

'nd % was rela5ed. % wasn6t over thinking every word and gesture like % usually did on other much more official dates. El 0isgusto: M% came here to play a nin<a, not watch 'b= drool and stare at his dice.N ollateral 0arren: M"e6ll be ok.N El 0isgusto: M@hat about my nin<aCN ollateral 0arren: M@hat is it with you and nin<asCN 0o you see how cra4y it wasC That % could be happy with 'nnoying -irlC % hated her. % had hated her for years. % had hated the way she made me feel. El 0isgusto: M@hyC %6ll tell you whyEN %n the end % don6t know if it was my heart or my hormones that drove me to start kissing her. % will spare you the details save to say that is was nothing like either of us had e5pected, it was far better. 'nd we didn6t go all the way, % didn6t even try. The ne5t day % called her and she confessed that she had e5pected she6d never hear from me again. That night we shared dinner and some conversation. Suddenly 'nnoying -irl wasn6t so annoying after all. 2ld Aellowbelly: M%6d like to hear why too.N @easly rusher: M3e too.N

.ut she was still, as the .eatles song said, so heavy. % couldn6t get over what people might think.

2f course % still couldn6t understand why these thoughts were streaming through my mind in the middle of running a game but before % could consider that further the ne5t musical number was on the stage. % let El 0isgusto lose himself in the gentle piano notes filling the airS El 0isgusto: &To the tune of T@alking in 3emphis6 by 3arc 2(ut on my blac hood mas &nd unsheathed my blade !"ll bring death and badassitude 5o the middle of your lamest game *in+a overlords won"t you loo down over me $ause ! plan to ill my way through &nyone so much loo s at me Well !"m (laying a nin+a (laying a fighter with death to deal (laying a nin+a &nd before no man do nin+as yield1 %magine if you will a nin<a sitting behind a baby grand piano belting out a gentle tune by swinging a pair of nunchucks in perfect rhythm. 'll around him other nin<as engaged in a ballet that interpreted the song. %t might have made for a pretty damn disturbing sight but since they were nin<as % couldn6t see them so everything was cool. El 0isgusto: 25he 9' tried to bone us With some (it ,iends in a room 9rew my atana and bac flipped in &nd those monsters ! waded through *ow the 9ungeon 'aster had forgotten With my nin+a there"s a rule %e can"t feel death"s sting When he wears his magic ring hohn*

!t gives armor class A6 Well !"m (laying a nin+a (laying a warrior with death to deal (laying a nin+a &nd before no man do nin+as yield1 'gain % tried to shout something, like M%s anyone else seeing thisCN 2r M!or the love of -od please stopEN but my mouth was not my own. % couldn6t even close my eyes or stick my fingers in my ears. !or the ne5t part of the song El 0isgusto unmasked revealing a very bad case of hood hair. El 0isgusto: 2!"ve got family that hates me 'y credit"s beyond repair 5here"s no bed that ! can sleep in Because ! eep gaming supplies there #o !"m gonna play a nin+a &nd ! roleAplay whenever !"m able !"d do it for a living if ! could Even with that &bD there %is smugness can be withstood %e thin s he nows gaming But his role playing is shite %e says =9o you thin a nin+a would do that@E ! said E%e fuc ing will tonight0/1 The music started to fade out, as did the piano and the black)clad pianist. El 0isgusto: 2Well !"m (laying a nin+a

(laying a fighter with death to deal (laying a nin+a &nd before no man do nin+as yield Well !"m (laying a nin+a (laying a fighter with death to deal (laying a nin+a &nd before no man do nin+as yield1 El 0isgusto: MS% said what the "ell is wrong with youCN .lobert Smith: M,erhaps his left brain has come into perfect synchroni4ation with his right and now illusion and reality have become as inseparable as the art of .oris Galle<o and ass shots.N 0eviant .oy: MAou know that analogy would have worked <ust as well with ,eter North.N .lobert Smith: M-ood to know.N @easly rusher: M3aybe he6s sick.N

3e: MNo. %6m ok. % <ust need a minute to get my head together here. %6mS %6m <ust more tired out than % thought % guess.N % took another drink, trying to steady my nerves. % looked back to the place they were in the 0ungeon. The bugbear nest, there was no way they would e5pect a group of bugbears hiding in the depths of a dungeon like this. Then % heard El 0isgusto6s voice, it was dripping with cruel sarcasm. Aou could <ust tell it was something he6d been dying to say. "e was savoring every world like some fine wine. El 0isgusto: M3ust be all that fat pussy.N 3e: M@ha) what did you sayCN There are moments in my life when everything % can almost literally

see the world as % understood it shatter around me. There was the time that % saw my loveable drunk of an uncle suddenly become a violent drunk, there was the day % reali4ed that one of my friends had asked my first love out behind my back. There was the day my brother threatened to reveal false details about what had happened on the night of my bachelor party. This was one of those moments, everything seemed to crumble around my like a stained glass window in a hailstorm. % had always assumed we all bickered because in a terribly dysfunctional way we were like family to each other. 'fter all if your grandmother tells you you6ll be lucky to end up a shoe salesman and your mother throws away your binder of drawings with a scream MLook at this shit, you can6t drawEEN Then who was % to begrudge my gaming partners a few cutting remarks and verbal assaultsC %t was par for the course for me in so many ways. Something % accepted. 3aybe it was why % could handle 7$$$ re<ection slips and not want to drive my car off a bridge. .ut this, this was like someone was trying snatch something new and shiny from my hands <ust so they could smash it. Fust so they could see the look on my face. 'nd % wasn6t having it. % remembered thinking to myself that the air in my apartment would soon be filled either by El 0isgusto6s apology or an arterial spray. 'll this over a girl % said % had hated over and over again. -o figure. El 0isgusto: M% said ; N 3e: M% heard what you said. 0o you mind e5plaining it to meCN El 0isgusto: M%t means we are all laughing at you because of your girlfriend.N 3e: M'nd how do you know % have a girlfriendCN 0eviant .oy: M@ell your eyes do have kind of a moony look to them.N

2ld Aellowbelly: M'nd you6re clean shaven.N .lobert Smith: MLet us not forget how distracted you are today.N ollateral 0arren: M@ell that really isn6t it. @e saw you and her at Lake -eorge.N 3e: M@hat the "ell were you knuckleheads doing at Lake -eorgeCN @easly rusher: M@e like to go to million dollar beach.N

2ld Aellowbelly: M'nd the big arcade still has that old Star Trek video game you can sit down in. Aou know the one with the buttons on one side and the dials on anotherC They have cra4y climber tooEN 0eviant .oy: M'nd tourist chicks can be so easy.N .lobert Smith: M@hile they engage in such shenanigans % take several buggy rides and imagine to myself % am 3ycroft "olmes preparing to capture Fack the +ipper and win a blood pudding eating contest in one fell swoop. Truly the best fan fiction is the fan fiction we carry in the secret places of our heart.N ollateral 0arren: M0on6t forget the place that sells these pewter dragon figurines % love.N El 0isgusto: MSo while we were there we happened to stumble upon you and your chubby little secret.N 3e: MStop that.N 0eviant .oy: MLook he6s being an ass about this % admit but % have to ask, what the hell are you doingCN 3e: M%6m going out with a girl.N 0eviant .oy: MAeah a fat girl. Aou know who else goes out with fat girlsC -ermans and homose5uals.N 3e: MShe6s not a fat girl she6s a person.N

@easly

rusher: M@hat6s her nameCN

3e: M'nnoying) no ; Special -irl. She6s Special -irl.N El 0isgusto: M% guess love is cheaper by the pound, is that right 'b=CN 3e: MThat6s not funny and its not nice. Say what you want about me but leave her alone.N .lobert Smith: M% think what your fellow gamers are trying to say is that we do not understand why you have suddenly chosen to take this strange and unnatural path.N 3e: M% en<oy her company what is unnatural about thatCN .lobert Smith: MAou must admit she is a girl of si4e.N 3e: M'nd you6re not a -oth of si4eCN .lobert Smith: M3y girth is a sign of epicurean e5perience and my wealth. @omen see me as a man of e5perience and deep thought. @hen a girl is large however that is a sign of weak character, it warns of slothfulness and a lack of impulse control.N ollateral 0arren: M@omen always put on weight when they6re in a relationship: this girl already has weight to spare. Stick around too long and they6ll be taking off the side of her house to load her into a flatbed truck to take her to the hospital.N 3e: M% cannot believe % am hearing this.N @easly rusher: MLook % don6t mean to be mean but you know how it is. The hotness of the girl you end up with is a symbol of how well you6ve succeeded in life. %f you end up with a model it means you6ve got it going on, if you end up with a plain Fane it means you6re middle management. ' fat girl 'b=, that6s trailer park man.N 3e: M2h fuck you. !uck all of you. % like this girl, % like her a lot. % might even be in love with her. 0o my feelings mean anything to you

guysCN 0eviant .oy: MLook %6m not saying you can6t bang this girl, fat girls are wild in bed because they don6t know when they6re gonna get it again. .ut you were holding hands wither her man. There were public displays of affection.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M@e were embarrassed for you.N El 0isgusto: M% thought it was hysterical. The great 'b= has given up on love: pretty soon you6ll Duit on the writing thing and <ust start giving out your stories for free to strangers.N 3e: MLook % would take your so called advice a little more seriously if not for the fact everyone but Aellowbelly and % have had se5 with the same flipper armed girl.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M@ell actuallySN 3e: M2h for "+%ST6S S'/EEN

0eviant .oy: MLook 'senath isn6t <ust some flipper armed, big breasted, double <ointed anadian girl with no gag refle5 whatsoever. She6s a gamer.N 3e: M@hatCN 0eviant .oy: MShe6s a gamer chick.N El 0isgusto: MShe6s super geeky.N 3e: M2h no... don6t you idiots start singing. @e are going to have this outEN .ut the all too familiar funky beat had begun. @e were all helpless, % watching as my players were suddenly lost in a wardrobe of sleeveless shirts, seDuined pants and glitter, glitter, glitter. 0eviant .oy: &To the tune of TSuperfreak6 by +ick Fames*

2#he"s a very gee y girl 5he ind you can ta e down to Ben $on #he will never moc your pastime )r say your friends are gee s #he plays the thief acrobat Both at the table and the bedroom Whenever ! misplace my dicebag or my pencils %er purse has spares for me 5hat girl"s >uite a nerd now1 Everybody Else: 25he girl"s a gamer chic 1 0eviant .oy: 2#he doesn"t read no $osmo1 Everybody Else: 2<ust 9ragon 'aga7ine1 0eviant .oy: 25hat girl sure nows her 5%&$)"s1 Everybody Else: 25he girl"s a gamer chic 1 0eviant .oy: 2#he eeps the .arma #utra1 Everybody Else: 2-ight by the 9'B1 0espite my rage my toe was tapping, and % wonder to myself, if ,alladium would soon be sampling it for a rap song called MAou an6t +ift ThisN 0eviant .oy: 2#he plays all night, plays all night

#he plays all night with me, yeah #he"s a gamer chic , gamer chic #he"s superAgee y, yow Everybody sing01 Everybody Else: 2Bamer chic , Bamer chic 1 0eviant .oy: 2#he"s a nerdy dirty girl1 Everybody Else: 25he ind of girl you dream about1 0eviant .oy: 2&nd she >uotes from 'onty (ython1 Everybody Else: 2#ir -obin ran away1 0eviant .oy: 2&nd she"ll follow me right into the game store to buy more mini"s1 Everybody Else: 2Bonna play a cleric now1 0eviant .oy: 2:et me pay for it all she says 5he cashier and ! used to be dating./ When she wears a low cut top we get a discount. !"ve more games than ! can read 5hat girl"s >uite a nerd now1 Everybody Else: 25he girl"s a gamer chic 1 0eviant .oy: 2#he doesn"t read no $osmo1

Everybody Else: 2<ust 9ragon 'aga7ine1 0eviant .oy: 25hat girl sure nows her 5%&$)"s1 Everybody Else: 25he girl"s a gamer chic 1 0eviant .oy: 2#he eeps the .arma #utra1 Everybody Else: 2-ight by the 9'B1 0eviant .oy: 2#he plays all night, plays all night #he plays all night with me, yeah #he"s a gamer chic , gamer chic #he"s superAgee y, yow %alf )rcs sing01 Truth be told % have no idea where the half orcs came form but % was too upset to care. "alf 2rcs: 2*yaaaaaaaarr01 0eviant .oy: 2Bamer chic gamer chic 5he girl"s a gamer chic 1 "alf 2rcs: 2*yaaaaaar01

0eviant .oy: 2#he"s a very gee y girl 5he ind you can ta e down to Ben $on #he will never moc your pastime )r say your friends are gee s Whoa Baby01 The moment the music ended % was back on my feetS &@hen had % sat downC* ... % was back on my feet trying to get the apology % felt she and % deserved. 3e: M%f you6re all done with your little musical interlude)N 2ld Aellowbelly: M@hat is he talking about with thatCN El 0isgusto: M% gave up trying to understand 'b= over twenty nin<as ago.N 3e: MLook % <ust don6t want to hear you guys bad mouth her anymore. %s that so much to askCN El 0isgusto: M@ill that make you feel betterC @e6ll <ust be making <okes about you behind your back thenS <ust like everyone else that sees you with her.N 3e: M3aybe other people will see her for the great, fun to be around person she is and not do that.N 0eviant .oy: MTo her face. ome on 'b=, you6ve seen us. The only time we say meaner things about each other is when one of us isn6t around it6s like were aS were aSN .lobert Smith: M3icrocosmCN 0eviant .oy: MAeah a microcosm of what the outside world is like.N

3e: M3aybe not. 3aybe %6m an ok guy with an ok girl.N El 0isgusto: M2h please, in what campaign world is thatCN 3e: M3aybe its <ust you guys. 3aybe you guys <ust don6t see who % really am. 3aybe you <ust see what you want to see.N @easly rusher: M ome on now, we only took one semester of ,hilosophy.N 3e: M-et out guys.N 2ld Aellowbelly: M@hatCN 3e: M%6m done. % may be done for a long time.N El 0isgusto: M.ullshit. @e came here for a game not to hear you snivel and bellyache. Shut up and make with the 0J0.N 3e: MNo. % can6t, this is really the last straw. Aou guys don6t have the slightest respect for me as a person anymore much less for any game % might be trying to run.N 0eviant .oy: M're you seriousCN @easly rusher: M% think he is.N

El 0isgusto: M'll this because we called you out as a chubby chaserCN 3e: M%t6s more than that. % should be gaming with friends not adversaries. % mean if %6m going to spend an entire Saturday night gaming then shouldn6t % be en<oying myselfC 'nd why are there elves singing in my pantsCN .lobert Smith: M% respect what you have to say, especially the part about the elves.N 3e: MSo pack up guys. %6ve had enough.N

El 0isgusto: M"oly crap, you6re serious. Aou6re <ust gonna kick us out in the middle of game. That sucks. 'nd you suck. Aou suck on levels science has yet to understand.N ollateral 0arren: M're you really serious manCN 3e: MAes 0arren. % think despite the madness of this night, the melting walls, dancing minis and bad filking that yes % want you all out.N ollateral 0arren: MAou mean to tell me % put acid in your soda for nothingCN 3e: M!unny that sounded like you said) B?%ET A2? ELGESE B?%ETE 0addy6s talkingEN ollateral 0arren: M% was trying to help you break out of your rut and % mean it was working. This is the best game %6ve ever seen you run.N 3e: M?h)huh. an you stop pi5ilating for a minute so % can get my hands around your throatCN % can6t really tell you if % threw the guys out of my apartment any more then % can tell you how % ended up naked under the sink. % can tell you that in the morning % called her, my Special -irl and asked her to come over <ust so % could have someone to talk to about what % was feeling. %t may sound corny but we really talked, we talked like % always imagined friends would talk to each other and when we kissed it was % always imagined lovers would kiss. .ut we didn6t make love for a while yet, % was still worried there might be a few elves hanging around. 'fterword &.ecause % always misspell the word Tepilogiue6* % suppose it is no surprise to you that % did game again: in fact % was soon to meet some gamers that would soon be like family to me, the

missus and our daughter. .ut those gamersC % can only say that for some reason 'lbany6s gaming world is a very small world and we all seemed to run into each other again and again) at cons, game stores, through mutual friends and even at a funeral once. 's the years passed most of us would all share the common e5periences of male pattern balding, marriage, parenting and mortgages. % assure you however that night was the last straw because % was never that 'b= again: % finally understood that my fate was more than <ust being a punch line. % soon found that if gaming was becoming a chore there was no reason % had to keep slogging at it. There were other things % could occupy my time with. 'll that touch feely stuff aside % am sure the one thing you are asking constant reader is ; did you game with any of those guys again after all thatC The answer to the Duestion is both easy and comple5, and maybe %6ll get around to telling you about it. .ut <ust in case % never do, let this final musical number serve as a kind of coda. 3usic please. &To the tune of TTurn the ,age6 by .ob Seger* )f all the hobbies !"ve had 5his holds its nerdy awe 9on"t matter where my ruleboo s are )r if ! sold them all !f my dice are all in the trash !"ll +ust end up buying some more $ause my subconscious will wonder *o matter what ! do !f he found eight stone golems in a room What would a fighter do &nd soon before ! now it 'aps and minis will accrue

#ay here ! am in a game again 5here ! am behind the screen %ere ! go chec ing the charts again %ere we go roll to save But the players won"t stay on the path 5o the treasure load Because everyone"s chaotic neutral When in a combat mode &nd when they >uote the rules bac in your face ?ou +ust want to explode 'ost times you can roll with it )ther times you free7e But you can"t always chec your ruleboo When it/s stained with nacho cheese $an that gnome really wear plate mail &nd not blow out his nees@ #ay here ! am in a game again 5here ! am behind the screen %ere ! go chec ing the charts again %ere we go roll to save But when it all is going right ?our mind ta es you away 5o that world of might and magic Where you always want to stay &nd the players are all cheering "cause they gained levels today :ater in the evening &s you lie awa e in bed With >uotes from the 9'B &ll dancing through your head ?ou remember that last dragon #hould have been two instead *ow here ! am in a game again 5here ! am behind the screen %ere ! go chec ing the charts again %ere we go, roll to save

%ere ! am in a game again 5here ! am behind the screen %ere ! go chec ing the charts again %ere we go, roll to save %ere we go, here we goC

An R!".net Pos&ri!t G'3,%+E T"E 3'SS /%0 +'%0 'eF 2?ou burst into the chamber +ust in time to see the 'inions of #et pulling the blood fried pregnant woman out of the oven.1 & gasp went up from my playersA for all their planning and use of the $elerity discipline they were too late. *ow you may well be wondering what the %ell is going on here so let me bring you up to speed. !t was still the early 3GG4/sH post $linton inauguration, pre $ontract with &merica. 5wo great life changing events had happened to me since my last game with my old groupA first and most importantly ! had gotten married secondly ! had started running White Wolf/s W)-:9 ), 9&-.*E## games. )f course at the time of this story only one game in the pro+ected I game series had come outH J&'(!-E 5%E '&#KUE-&9E, but with a year of supplements to wor from ! had a pretty good campaign going even if it seemed li e the creatures in the World of 9ar ness were in some ind of an &rms -ace when it came to superpowers. !n my current campaign everyone was playing a vampire of one form or another 3e: M2k let6s roll for %nitiative.N Aetch: M2h %6m gonna be sick. That is so disgusting 'l.N

?etch was one of my regular players he was a nice guy and a good, well behaved player (aside from occasional moments of EL5E-E'E 5%E#(!&*!#'). 5he only trouble was that ! don/t necessarily thin a man that got di77y at the description of the sight of blood had the right mindset for horror gaming. !rancesca: M"oney did you take your TumsCN ! thin ,rancesca was the one who was really into the idea of playing J&'(!-E. 5here were three things you noticed about her, first she was a Both, second she had a chest you could roll an EL&:5E9 die pool and not lose a single d34 and third she was ?etch/s girlfriend. 5hat last part was the one that confused us the most, most girls go out with guys they now their parents will hate so ! can only assume her parents were &nton :eJey and Wendy ) Williams. 5he funny thing was that this was when the trend of hot nerdy girls really began and it is a trend that continues today. #adly ! came of age in the 3G84/s, an era when apparently all the gee hotties had been shipped to $anada. Which explains why we spent most of our #aturday nights desperately trying to watch scrambled porn. But perhaps ! have shared too much. 3e: M's you all watch with increasing horror the light braised flesh of her stomach begins to shudder and split apart. Slacker (: MThat is S2 wrong, yet S2 cool.N *ow #lac er L is and has been (at least until he reads this) one of my longtime players and friends. ! will always admire the fact he was always indifferent to worries about things li e employment and women. #omehow as a result that meant he always had a fresh supply of both.

#eriously fol s, its li e he/s a <edi or something. "entai @rangler: M3y character Lady .ishonen draws her katana and spends a blood point to activate her katana.N 3e: M'nd thenCN "entai @rangler: M'nd then she waits to see what happens.N Slacker (: MAou always do that.N %entai Wrangler was actually in his twenties but he had a very young face and he was another one of that rare species of gaming friend that ! wasn/t worried about hanging out with in social situations. %e was a big fan of <apanese media, in fact one the reasons ! gave him the nic name he has is because if not for him ! might never have seen :EBE*9 ), 5%E )JE-,!E*9, this is something ! will never forgive him for. Lando 3olari: M% shout at the Setite elder, C7e had a deal 2adden'DN %ave you ever seen the 5J series :)#5 !* #(&$E@ -emember the character of 9r. Machary #mith@ Well :ando 'olari was that characterA in every game, every time. %e was always trying to go behind the other player/s bac s for one reason or another it didn/t matter if we were playing in 5%E W)-:9 ), 9&-.*E## , 9U*BE)*# ; 9-&B)*# or BU**!E# &*9 BU--)W#. 5he players didn/t mind much partially because :ando was an all around nice guy in real life and also because watching his characters get dismembered from their own actions was good entertainment. 3e: MThe undead babies tear free from their fleshy prisons and begin crawling towards the party, their eyes alight with inhuman hunger.N

Aetch: M2oooohSN !rancesca: M'b= where is the -oth in thisC @hen are you gonna bring the -othCN Slacker (: M% pull out my twin chrome plated .P>s and leap sideways while firing at them.N 3e: M2k roll for it.N Slacker (: M2k.N 3e: M@ow that is a lot of onesSN Slacker (: M@hy meCN 3e: MThe clips fall out of both your guns in mid leap and you crash to the floor well within crawling range.N "entai @rangler: MLady .ishonen attacks her blade and panties flashing in the night.N !rancesca: M3y gangrel pops her claws and attacks.N 3e: M@ell, unlike some people you make your die rolls.N Slacker (: M"eyEN 3e: MThe two of you cut a swathe through the slightly baked undead babies.N Aetch: M3y character looks around the room and says D7ho is res!onsible; 73O 3AS AES*% T3IS 2A%)*SS;DN 3e: M?h was that shout in or out of characterCN Lando 3olari: M% stay behind the rest of my party with my weapon drawn.N

Slacker (: M'nd how does that helpCN Lando 3olari: M over fire.N )nce combat was resolved the player characters searched the building for any sign of their longtime adversary #id 'adden #ettite ElderA and yes his business cards did say +ust that. &s you can see ! had the Jampire side of the game pretty well nailed down but ! rarely seemed to have any 'as>uerade going onH swordfights on high rise window washing scaffolds, exploding gas truc s and midgets in armored vans were the regular sort of occurrences in my game. 5here was very little brooding upon the vampiric condition, ! can/t really say things were very =Bothic (un / at all, maybe they were =Bothic (ulp/ But on the other hand my game had been a very long running affair and there were always players +oining in for a session or twoC some even stayed for years. #ome wouldn/t leave the game even when ! begged. &nd yes ! did name an elder vampire of the ,ollowers of #et =#id 'adden/A names were always my wea point. 3e: MAou hear the sounds of sirens approaching.N Aetch: M@e better get out of here.N Slacker (: MAeah, the last thing we need is another run in with 0etective ,eter -abriel.N #ee what ! mean@ ! suc at names. Lando 3olari: M.efore we leave % search for anything of value.N 3e: MAour wits and investigation reveals a bloodstained business card.N Lando 3olari: M@hat the "ell is that aboutC % mean money or

valuables. 3aybe a vial of elder blood lying around.N 3e: M?hmSN "entai @rangler: M0o % notice ount 2rlock being an idiotCN

3e: MAes, you see him bungle finding ne5t week6s 3a-uffin like Slacker ( bungle a driving roll.N Slacker (: M"eyEN With that done ! doled out the experience points and we cleared the room for the old school 9;9 group. ! was running my game in the bac room of a game store run by my friend Buido <onesA of course it wasn/t +ust a game store he also sold comic boo s and pornographic trading cards. ! never got the whole pornographic trading card thing. What was the appeal@ :et/s be honest here, even if masturbation isn/t bad for your eyesight it can/t be healthy to be staring that intently at a DxI card for any prolonged period of time. <ust my opinion fol s. 'y game ran on a #aturday afternoon and the notice board let it be nown ! was open to any and all playersA so long as they brought premade characters and didn/t antagoni7e the main group too badly. !t wasn/t easy trying to organi7e up to ten players at once but it was usually a lot of fun. ! still can/t believe how patient my wife was through all this, most wee ends ! was off running a game on #aturdays and then #unday going over my notes for the next wee . 5he woman is a saint ! tells ya. &s ! got ready to leave a very pretty college aged girl waylaid me in the doorway of Buido/s Bee Emporium. "ottie: M're you the guy that runs the G'3,%+E gameCN 3e: MThat6s what is says on my monogrammed stationary.N

"ottie: M"uhCN 3e: M@hat % mean is yes. Aes % am that guy.N "ottie: M@ould you have room for another three players ne5t weekCN 3e: M%t6s an open game. @e are always looking for fresh blood. "a ha get itCN "ottie: M?h sure. So ne5t week thenCN 3e: MLooking forward to it.N )nce she was gone #lac er L approached me. Slacker (: M@ho was thatCN 3e: MNew player.N Slacker (: M'wesome.N 3e: M'nd she6s bringing friends.N Slacker (: MEven more awesome.N -uido Fones: MShe could be bringing her boyfriend.N 3e: MShe said there would be three new players not her and a significant other.N Slacker (: MAeah if she had a boyfriend she would have wanted to establish it right away, this is a game store after all.N -uido Fones: M%sn6t that going to be too many players for you 'b=C Let6s not forget what happened on "alloween.N 3e: M%f you don6t bring up "alloween % won6t bring up ,ro<ect 2mega.N

! suppose it would be cruel of me to let that scene end without telling you about %alloween and (ro+ect )mega so let/s start with the debacle that was my %alloween marathon J&'(!-E #ession. 'any would say later it was a great game, others would say it was the worst thing they had ever played inH it was a story that featured a Jampire roc band, human sacrifices and murder by duct tape. 5he thing is ! remember nothing of it. 5he morning of the game ! started feeling >ueasy and by the time the evening rolled around ! was suffering from chills and room clearing bouts of flatulence. ! pumped myself full of aspirin and (epto Bismol but as the night wore on ! became paler and paler and my game mastering became more and more incoherentA at least that is what ! was told. ! still don/t now how much of the stories ! should believe. Why would ! have a long drawn out scene ta e place at a gaming convention where people where playing :ive &ction J&'(!-E 5%E '&#KUE-&9E@ Why would ! try to convince the players that 5J actor Burt Ward was $aine@ Why the %ell would ! have the players menaced by an !nvisible Meppelin@ &ll ! now is that by midnight #lac er L and %entai Wrangler called my wife to ta e me home and ! slept for two days. !n comparison Buido/s (ro+ect )mega wasn/t that big a disaster at all, you see his master plan to increase revenue by teaching lingerie models how to play 9ungeons ; 9ragons. 5he exact specifics of the plan were never really explained to me but it involved a lot of time at Jictoria"s #ecret. 5he wee went by >uic ly enough with wor , spending >uality time with the missus and trying to eep our crappy apartment from falling apart around us. ! was wor ing for a place called (aper #hredderA the same outfit ! had wor ed for when ! was in collegeH my wife and ! were still learning how to be a married couple and mushrooms ept growing out of the bedroom ceiling. 5here/s a story in all this somewhere but this isn/t the place. Bame night rolled around and somehow ! was ready. ! planned for the bloodstained business card to lead the players to a den of inbred *a7i cannibal white slavers. ! made sure there were plenty of evil *($s for everyone to fight, including the new players. ! got to Buido/s Bame

Emporium an hour early, and started setting up. 'y regular players started to filter in, ?etch and ,rancesca got there first, as always and ,rancesca spent about ten minutes tal ing to me about her gangrel/s long term plans and inner landscape. ! always had a hard time paying attention to exactly what she was saying because during the whole discussion my mind was warring between wanting to loo at her chest yet not wanting to be caught loo ing at her chest. By the time she had finished eeping me abreast of her character/s plans the rest of the gang had shown up. #lac er L and :ando 'olari were pawing at my ruleboo s trying to figure out how to spend their hard earned experience points. Slacker (: M'nd a fourth dot of firearmsSN "entai @rangler: MLike it6ll matter.N Slacker (: M2h come onEN Lando 3olari: MAou know what skill % needC The skill that can help my character become an e5pert in the art of deception.N Slacker (: MAou mean subterfugeCN Lando 3olari: MNo, it6s the one that makes you better at hiding your true ob<ectives.N Slacker (: MThat6s subterfuge.N Lando 3olari: MNo % want him to lie better.N Slacker (: MS?.)TE+)!?-EEN "ottie: MAou guys haven6t started yet have youCN "entai @rangler: M@e6re starting now.N Lando 3olari: M@ho is this vision of lovlinessCN

Aetch: M3ore playersCN Slacker (: M"ave a seat, and if you need to borrow any diceSN Lando 3olari: MNoE Those dice are cursedE 0on6t even touch them.N Slacker (: M3anSN !rancesca: M?h, who are those three kids behind herCN "ottie: MThese are my nephews, they always wanted to play G'3,%+E.N Slacker (: M.ut you6re playing too rightCN "ottie: MSorry, -uido is teaching me how to play 0J0. .ye.N Lando 3olari: M's a great man once said, what a revoltin6 development this is.N Slacker (: M0o you think -uido has any openings in his gameCN 3e: M% think -uido has all the openings he needs tonight.N )ur new arrivals stared at us expectantly. 5hey loo ed to be between 33 and 3D years old. 5heir eyes were full of that special brand of prepubescent menace ! had learned to fear in <unior %igh. /id U7: M%s this chair takenCN !rancesca: MNo.N /id U7: M ool. "ey you6re pretty se5y. 3y name6s 3ike.N !rancesca: M%6m !rannie.N /id U7: M@hat grade are you inCN

!rancesca: M%6m a graduate student.N /id U7: M' seniorC @icked.N /id U#: M"i %6m -reg. %s that your characterCN "entai @rangler: MNAeah, a battle hardened survivor or two of 'b=6s campaigns.N /id U#: M@hat6s a bishonenCN "entai @rangler: MEr, it6s a man with a little something e5tra.N /id U#: M're you gayCN /id U=: M heck out my character. "e6s a .ru<ah.N /id U7: M@e6re all .ru<ahs.N /id U=: M@ell you better watch yourselves of my character will totally kick the ass of everyone in the room.N Slacker (: M@hat was your name againCN /id U=: M.rian.N Slacker (: M@ell .rian, would you like to borrow some of my dice.N ! chec ed over the new arrivals character sheets and finding no obvious problems we got started. ! wasted no time trying to integrate the new players into the party. 3e: MThe oterie is at their usual hangout when they spot the three .ru<ahs the vampire ,rince of ?tica asked you to meet with. That6s you guys.N /id U7: M@aitS where are weCN

3e: MAou6re in ?tica.N /id U7: MNo % mean where in ?tica are weCN Aetch: M%t6s a bar all the local vampires hang out in called 5he :eather *un. %t6s ;N 3e: M)it6s a place for Duiet contemplation and hand crafted goods.N /id U#: MSounds lame.N Aetch: M@hat are you talking aboutC This is a total) 2@EN ! didn/t want to throw a d34 at ?etch, especially not one of the prismatic ones, but ! had to shut him up. ! wasn/t about to let my violent perverted little role playing game corrupt the minds of &merica/s youth. 5hat was the !nternet/s +ob. &t least some of my players caught on. Slacker (: M% walk past the women Sselling oven mitts and approach the new arrivals. % say CThe Prin&e 4anted me to let you ,no4 that you are 4el&ome in his &ity as lon" as you donDt &ause any trouble.DN /id U=: MAou hear that guysC Some other vampire thinks he can tell us what to doEN /id U#: M% spend some blood, pull the hatchet from my overcoat and start whacking people at random.N /id U=: M+adicalEN 3e: M' hatchetCN /id U#: MAou 2ked it. See right thereC Small a5e.N !rancesca: M@hat the "ell 'b=CN

3e: M?hm, % thought he meant that deodorant body spray stuff.N !rancesca: M@hatCN 3e: M@ell it was capitali4edEN Aetch: M@hy the "ell brings an '5e to a) 2@EN "entai @rangler: M)craft fairCN 3e: M-ood save.N Aetch: MNone of this makes any sense.N 3e: MAou6re playing a 3alkavian get used to it.N /id U#: M0o % hit anyone in the faceCN 3e: MLet6s roll some dice.N /id U7: M% pee on the barEN Lando 3olari: MGampires don6t pee.N /id U7: M@hat if % spend a blood pointCN !t didn/t ta e long for things to spiral into chaos, with the 'as>uerade in tatters the three Bru+ah wandered out into the streets in search of more troubleH perhaps spurred on by relative easy and bloodless ills. "entai @rangler: MLady .ishonen has had enough of thisE She draws her blade and orders them to surrender to the ,rince6s <ustice.N /id U#: M% throw a knife at her.N 3e: M+oll your dice.N

"entai @rangler: M% catch it in kid air.N 3e: MGery nice, lotsa tens there.N /id U=: M'nd while she6s catching the knife % shoot her with my 0esert Eagle.N 3e: M2h -od.N "entai @rangler: MSo this is torporSN /id U7: M% run off and steal a car.N 3e: M!ineSN /id U#: M% use my ,otence to pick a manhole cover and throw it as hard as % can at someone.N /id U=: M0ude you totally said manhole.N Lando 3olari: M% use the ,resence discipline to cow the other two.N 3e: MSorry guys you6re cowed by Lando 3olari6s vampiric awesomeness.N /id U7: M'nd % run him over with the carEN 3e: M@hatCN /id U7: MAou said % could steal a car.N 3e: M.ut % didn6t ;N /id U7: MAou saying a car couldn6t reach him yetCN 3e: MSigh. Sorry Lando.N /id U#: MNow where6s that -angrel chickCN !rancesca: M@atching in horrified disbelief.N

Aetch: MThere6s never an invisible 4eppelin around when you need one.N /id U#: M% spend some blood and fle5 for the -angrel chick.N !rancesca: MNot interested.N /id U#: M!ine % use ,resence to call her over.N !rancesca: M'b=EN 3e: M@ell, lets make some rolls and see what happens.N !rancesca: M2h great. % guess % flounce over to him.N /id U=: MNo way. % ,resence her over to me instead.N 5hey pretty much played a ind of vampire ping pong with her for a few turns while the remaining two members of the party tried to peel :ando 'olari off the grill of the 'onte $arlo. Aetch: M3y character says (7ill I allo4 you to &ontinue to violate the !ea&e of my domain. I SA9 T3** )A9''''( Then % get some Tremere spells ready.N Slacker (: M% <ust open fire and kill them, % kill them a lot.N 3e: M'll right lets get some combat rolls.N &nd one botch later the party/s last stand ended what #lac er L/s charcter accidentally shot ?etch/s character in the bac . ! could hear Buido and the %ottie giggling in the next room which meant someone was getting treasure. ! decided to call it a night. 3e: MSorry about tonight guys.N

Slacker (: M% never thought anything could be worse than having to watch 3'N2S T"E "'N0S 2! !'TE. % was wrong.N "entai @rangler: MTo think % missed a night of fandubbing for this.N 3e: M%6m really sorry.N Lando 3olari: M's soon as % wake up %6m selling my soul to the devil for more disciplines.N 3e: MAou did that already.N !rancesca: M'b=, if 3ark +ein "agen were here he would slap your face. % can6t belive you let) "eyE 3y eyes are up hereEN 3e: M% was hanging my head in shame, really.N Aetch: MThanks for everything buddy.N 3e: M2h great sarcasm from you too.N Aetch: MNo. No. +eally. Thanks. @henever you run a bad game she wants to have angry se5. % mean really angry. Aou6re the best.N 3e: M2hS well en<oy.N /idU 7: MThat game was awesome. @hat time do we start ne5t weekCN #o that/s why ! started running games at my apartment, but that/s a whole other story.