Politicians vs. the Fiscal Cliff By John J.

Ippolito

PREMISE: In a comical take on the overwhelming amount of fiscal cliff coverage, a fictional news team covers a breaking news story: Al Gore and Chris Christie are attempting to conquer the fiscal cliff (which they believe to be El Capitan, an actual cliff in California). CHARACTERS: AL GORE: A fictional representation of the former vice president. CHRIS CHRISTIE: A fictional representation of the Governor of New Jersey. TOM OSWALT: The co-anchor of the Channel Four News at Six. He sets up the flow from one news story to the next, and does his best to deliver the news. MARIE STAPLETON: The co-anchor of the Channel Four News at Six. She shares the same job description as TOM OSWALT. JASON CORWIN: He reports from the summit of El Capitan. He mostly discusses the Al Gore side of the news story. Sharon Farrel: She reports from the base of El Capitan. She mostly discusses the Chris Christie side of the story. Brett Johnson: Brett is a clueless field reporter attempting to report the opinions of people of a surrounding town. He wears oversized, goofy glasses; much to the chagrin of the townspeople. He ultimately reports nothing of significance.

1. INT. NEWSROOM. EVENING A generic Channel Four News introduction flashes on the screen. The camera pans to TOM OSWALT and MARIE STAPLETON sitting at a newsroom desk. TOM OSWALT (Pauses for introduction music to stop) Good evening. I am Tom Oswalt. MARIE STAPLETON And Im Marie Stapleton. And this is your Channel Four News at Six. (Pauses) Top news story tonight: In recent months Channel Four along with many other news outlets has covered the political whirlwind that is the fiscal cliff debate. TOM OSWALT The fiscal cliff, a sharp decline in the budget deficit, has been the subject of debate among politicians in Washington. However, tonight two politicians have a unique way of solving this issue. We bring it to Yosemite National Park where Jason Corwin has more. 2. EXT. ROCKY AREA. EVENING The camera pans to field reporter JASON CORWIN who is holding a Channel Four mic. JASON CORWIN Thanks Tom. Im standing here in Yosemite National Park near the summit of El Capitan, one of Americas tallest and largest cliff faces, where former Vice President of the United States, Al Gore, is just moments away from leaping over the edge. The camera still focuses on Jason but you hear TOM OSWALT AND MARIE STAPLETON speaking and asking questions off camera.

MARIE STAPLETON Im sorry Jason. I think were having some technical difficulties. Did you say Al Gore is planning on jumping off of El Capitan? JASON CORWIN (nodding head yes) Yes Marie. It appears that in a strange series of events the former vice president has come to believe the fiscal cliff to be an actual cliff and by jumping off and safely landing shall solve our nations problems. TOM OSWALT Jason, how does Mr. Gore intend on surviving the fall? JASON CORWIN Well Tom, a source close to Gore claims that the former vice president will take a running start and upon leaping off the cliff will furiously flap his arms, mimicking the hovering movements of a hummingbird. If all goes well he will float gracefully to the ground. TOM OSWALT Have you gotten the chance to speak with the former vice president? JASON CORWIN (nodding) Yes, earlier I got the chance to ask Mr. Gore some tough questions including: Does he have any grasp of common sense? Why choose a dauntingly large cliff to jump off of? And why does he think the fiscal cliff is a cliff at all? (Pauses, nodding) TOM OSWALT Well did you get any answers Jason? JASON CORWIN

Unfortunately not Tom. These questions only seemed to solidify his confidence as he (Contd...) turned to me and said, The fiscal cliff is no match for me. I am Al Gore. Hear me roar. (nodding) Camera pans back to MARIE STAPLETON in the newsroom. MARIE STAPLETON Riveting stuff as always Jason. Lets go to the bottom of El Capitan where SHARON FARREL is covering a developing story. Sharon.. 3. EXT. ROCKY AREA. EVENING Camera pans to SHARON FARREL standing in a rocky area while holding a Channel Four mic. SHARON FARREL Thanks Marie. I am standing at the base of El Capitan where yet another politician believes the fiscal cliff to be an actual cliff. In just moments the current governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, will attempt to scale the cliff face without any ropes for protection. While the governor believes this to be his way of dealing with the fiscal issue, many experts state that such a large man accomplishing this feat would be nothing less than a biological miracle. (nodding.) TOM OSWALT Sharon, does anyone know why the governor is doing this? SHARON FARREL Sources close to Christie say the governor, like any other person from New Jersey, is best known for his upper body strength and rash decisions. He truly is a representative of his people Tom. Pans back to TOM OSWALT in the newsroom.

TOM OSWALT Thanks Sharon. Well get back to you soon but first well go to BRETT JOHNSON; reporting on the thoughts of the surrounding community. (pauses) Brett, what are the people saying? 4. EXT. TOWN CENTER. EVENING The camera cuts to a curly haired Brett who is wearing large glasses and a goofy grin. BRETT JOHNSON Well Tom, Im standing in the center of Marisopa California where there are mixed opinions on tonights events. The majority do not care at all. One woman even asked quote, Who the hell is Al Gore? Yea Tom theres a lot of animosity here. TOM OSWALT Animosity? Towards the politicians? BRETT JOHNSON No Tom, towards me. Many said something along the lines of get that camera out of my face while one woman went so far as to call me a less attractive version of Napoleon Dynamite. TOM OSWALT (sighs) Brett... do you have any actual news? BRETT JOHNSON (pauses) ... Im sorry? TOM OSWALT NEWS. Do you have any actual news to report?!

BRETT JOHNSON AH! (chuckles) ... I do not Tom. I am actually quite useless. Pans back to Tom in the newsroom. TOM OSWALT Okay Well were going to have to cut you off there because it looks like there is breaking news at the summit... Jason? Whats going on? 5. EXT. ROCKY AREA. EVENING Camera cuts to JASON CORWIN at the summit. JASON CORWIN (looks in outward direction) Tom, Al Gore has just begun his sprint to the edge. He is moving at an astounding speed for a 64 year old man. Wow! That guy is a gazelle! He has leapt off the edge... He his flapping furiously... Andddd... Hes gone. Oh no... MARIE STAPLETON Jason?! Whats going on? Can you describe whats happening? JASON CORWIN (Still looking outward) Well it appears the vice president is not gracefully hovering but in fact plummeting... Pans back to newsroom. TOM OSWALT Okay.. (nervously looks around) While that gets sorted out lets go to Sharon. 6. EXT. ROCKY AREA. EVENING

Camera cuts to SHARON FARREL at the base. Fire truck lights are seen in the background. SHARON FARREL Tom it is utter chaos right now at the foot of El Capitan. In an impressive feat of strength the governor scaled three quarters of the cliff face before being startled by what witnesses called a flying senior citizen and tumbling back to earth. He was saved when the back of his pants were caught on a rock. TOM OSWALT What is going on now? SHARON FARREL The fire department has arrived and is attempting to get Christie out of what looks like the most painful wedgie ever. Camera cuts back to the newsroom. Tom and Marie look at each other nervously. MARIE STAPLETON Okay.. Lets go to BRETT JOHNSON. Brett. Please tell me you have a news story. 7. EXT. TOWN CENTER. EVENING Camera cuts to BRETT JOHNSON still in the town center. He is cleaning his glasses and is unaware of the fact that he is on live at the moment. CAMERAMAN (whispers) Brett we are live... BRETT JOHNSON (words Were live?! to the cameraman.) (Proceeds to slowly stare up at the camera while remaining silent.) Camera cuts back to the newsroom. MARIE STAPLETON

Alright! Well we are going to go to a commercial break but... (Pauses) Ever want clothing for your goldfish?! Find out where you can buy it after the break! Black out.