Resolving Conflict in Relationships Running Head: RESOLVING CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS

Resolving Conflict in Relationships Assignment 2 Brittany Ward University of North Carolina at Charlotte

Spring 2014

Resolving Conflict in Relationships Introduction

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Dont say anything....dont say anything...gosh, why cant he see that this is bothering me so much?....you know what? I cant handle this anymore. That moment when something inside you finally snaps. Words start flying, voices rise, incidents from weeks or months ago (which had never been a problem until now) get thrown into the mix, and then ends with someone storming out and slamming the door. First youre furious, then the fury turns into a pit in your stomach that refuses to go away. For friends, this type of episode is usually followed by several days of avoidance, and then the awkward lets talk text is sent. You meet up in a coffee shop, and after some awkward silence, you attempt to talk through what happened. For married couples, since you cant really avoid the person youre married to, this talk usually happens the
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same day as the fight. Does this kind of situation sound familiar? I think it is safe to say that at some point in an individuals life one of these situations takes place. While it is extremely unpleasant experience, it

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teaches a valuable lesson about how important communication is. Throughout this paper, we will consider the implications of conflict in relationships; specific attention will be given to anger and tension with both platonic relationships and romantic relationships.

A Literature Review Look for little, unnecessary words throughout entire paper As humans, we are awed

Conflict in Platonic/Romantic Relationships For thousands of years, conflict has arisen between couples and friends. Since we as humans are flawed, conflicts are going to arise, no matter what kind of relationship one partakes in. And it starts from infancy. From arguing with your parents about going to bed at a certain

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time, to arguing with your significant other/spouse about a large life decision such as purchasing

Resolving Conflict in Relationships

a house or whether or not to adopt a puppy. Since it is such a large part of life one must be aware
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of ways to either avoid or resolve conflict. And the best way to do that Ive found, through extensive research, is communication. How Women Handle Conflict It is a proven fact that women handle conflict in a different manner than men. Alexandra Sifferlin (2012) states that women want their partners to know when they are unhappy. This plays into how men and women are emotionally different. Women are communicative, and that is a large part of why conflict usually happens. Men dont like to deal with conflict, and are more prone to wall themselves off emotionally, while women want to be open and communicative. This is how many conflicts stem from. Sifferlin conducted a study that showed couples who

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communicate are happier and have less conflict. Women also have different hormones than men, which creates different responses to conflict, according to Dr. Gross (2013). Because women have motherly instincts, they tend to want to work through issues quickly, while men tend to try to escape stressful conversations and situations. Brittany Ward observes the sit com The Big Bang Theory, which showed a fictional couple working through a conflict. At first, the couple wasnt communicating, which created even more conflict. The woman, Penny, thought her boyfriend was being insensitive and unsupportive. The boyfriend, Leonard, thought Penny was being rash and reckless. Ultimately, because Penny finally became aggravated enough to yell at Leonard, they were able to talk through the conflict and make up. This goes to show that women need their partners to know when they are upset, and communication is key to fixing the problem (Ward, 2014).

Resolving Conflict in Relationships How Men Handle Conflict Even though men arent as emotional as women, conflict can still create emotional
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turmoil. Dr. Gross makes a point in her article about how men and women handle stress differently. She states that men were made to fight or flight when stressful situations arise. But in todays culture that is unacceptable, so its a mind over body struggle. She also brings up

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the point that men dont release the same hormones as women (or if they do they are not as strong), which also plays into the fight or flight mentality. Their bodys are wired differently

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than womens. Dr. Gross states that men are more prone to performance and competition than picking up on social cues, which is why they cant necessarily tell if a woman is upset right away. She makes the point that self-maintenance and self-management are different between men and women. While women tend to reach out to others when stressed, men will try to escape stress. She then says that communication is a major factor in coping with stress for both men and women. Ward observes in the sit com The Big Bang Theory how couples work through a conflict. The boyfriend, Leonard, wasnt listening and was unaware that his girlfriend was upset. The girlfriend, Penny, then became even more upset due to the fact that Leonard was unaware. But ultimately Leonard just wanted Penny to be happy, and he told her he supported her, which helped resolve the conflict (Ward, 2014).

Ways of Handling Conflict While men and women are different physically, mentally and emotionally, there are ways to resolve conflict that apply to both. Many authors have tested many different hypotheses, and came to these conclusions:

Resolving Conflict in Relationships 1. Having a romantic partner who displays better conflict recovery should be associated with experiencing more positive relationship emotions and higher relationship satisfaction. (Salvatore et al, 2011 )

2. Target participants who were more securely attached in infancy should display better recovery from romantic-relationship conflict, as should their adult romantic partners. (Salvatore et al, 2011) 3. Partners conflict recovery should interact with target participants infant attachment histories to predict relationship stability 2 years later. (Salvatore et al, 2011) 4. Variations in characteristic levels of love and anger/upset experienced in different relationships should track independent fitness relevant features of those relationships (Ellis and Malamuth, 2000). 5. Because anger/upset and love track different features of relationships and function to regulate different facets of behavior, these emotion systems should be largely independent (Ellis and Malamuth, 2000). 6. These two systems may each provide input to more general mechanisms underlying variations in feelings of relationship satisfaction (Ellis and Malamuth, 2000). 7. Feelings of love and relationship satisfaction should each contribute uniquely to levels of commitment-promoting behaviors directed toward ones partner (Ellis and Malamuth, 2000). The results of these tests were that being able to communicate is inbred but must also be
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learned, and there must be a balance of emotions in order for there to be balance in a

Resolving Conflict in Relationships relationship. Lin Shi agrees, and adds that couples must be able to identify the problem and be able to construct a solution plan (Shi, 2003). Drs. Les and Leslie Parrotts research agrees with
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this, and expands on it, saying that conflict is good for a relationship, because it can strengthen the relationship. Kane gives a 5 step process for avoiding conflict, and it all goes back to communication. Camille Chatterjee stated in an article she wrote that if friendships have unknown boundaries, that uncertainty can create tension and conflict in a relationship (Chatterjee, 2001). Artakovsky adds to Chatterjees theory, saying that stress will create the same result, and gives a 10 step process to work through stress in relationships, starting with recognition, creating a plan to eliminate stress, and ends with being mindful of the other persons feelings (Artakovsky, 2011). Communication is Key

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While researching this topic, the main theme throughout these articles is communication is key. Whether in platonic relationships or romantic relationships, one must be willing to communicate. There are countless research studies and step by step processes one can read, but if one is not willing to be open and upfront, conflict will explode and remain a constant aspect of ones life.

Entering the Conversation

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Shows like The Big Bang Theory satirize conflicts and make it seem like conflicts are comical, when in all reality they are not. This then can create issues with how people think

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Resolving Conflict in Relationships conflict can be resolved. Much of the time they use decoys such as sex or drinking as their way

of either avoiding or resolving conflict, which dont work in relationships in real life. While Im not married, I can imagine that the last thing a married woman would want to do is get physical with her husband while she is upset with him. Sit Coms also tend to over-exaggerate how irrational women get during conflict and how oblivious men are to the problem. For example, during an episode of The Big Bang Theory, the girlfriend, Penny, quits her waitressing job to focus on becoming an actress. Her boyfriend, Leonard, avoids telling her that she is being rash and thoughtless, but eventually it the truth slips out. Penny is furious that he wasnt honest with her, and Leonard isnt sure of how to handle the situation. After days of avoiding each other, they finally have a heart-to-heart and explain how they both feel. After talking, they reconcile and everything is ok. While this story is an exaggerated and comedic approach to conflict, it has an
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underlying message of truth to it. Avoiding giving your partner your honest opinion is a large cause for conflict. This story only portrays conflict from a romantic relationship, the same idea can apply to platonic relationships. Another example from The Big Bang Theory is when Amy and Bernadette get into a fight about their significant others. Bernadette makes fun of Amys boyfriend, Sheldon, by saying that their sex life is theoretical, like Sheldons work (they had never had sex before). Amy counters by saying that at least when they finally do have sex that it will be better because Sheldon wont be thinking about his mom like Howard, Bernadettes husband (who he has lived with his entire life, even after him and Bernadette got married). This fight ends up with a girl fight, but they finally truce after talking it through (The Park Bench Escalation, 2012). This example proves that

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it is always better to talk through things when youre not having irrational thoughts.

Resolving Conflict in Relationships After researching many different sources for this paper, I agree with the conclusions that
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researchers have come up with. It is best to communicate with your friend or significant other instead of avoiding the issue. Avoiding the issue will only make it worse, as well as creating more conflict. While the research I have done has shown several methods to avoiding or resolving conflict, I feel like there are a few steps that should also be taken that were not mentioned. One such step is to not leave the premises when you are angry. Storming off will only further damage a relationship. Instead of leaving, calmly state that you need to cool off and you will be back in a little while to calmly discuss the issue at hand. Then give yourself some time to cool off and regroup. When one is in the heat of the moment, things are said that can end a relationship with a snap of a finger. By giving yourself time to collect your thoughts, it also eliminates the

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possibility of saying something you will later regret. It also gives your friend/significant other a chance to do the same, and when you begin the conversation, it is more likely you will be able to eliminate the misunderstanding without creating others. Another step would be, if you cant talk through the problem by yourselves, get a 3rd partys opinion. I would not recommend talking to a close friend about the problem. Especially if the close friend is of the opposite gender. Unfortunately, from my observations, when an

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individual talks to a friend of the opposite gender, that is usually how affairs get started. This is mostly true for romantic relationships. Having an individual telling you that you are right and your partner is wrong and comforting you is a perfect seed planted for feelings to blossom. Not that I am saying it happens every time, but it is highly likely. A counselor is a great place to work on reconciliation. There is no bias opinion, or side taking. A counselor would offer the wisdom

Resolving Conflict in Relationships and direction a couple so desperately needs, as well as giving tools for how to improve in the

future. Some of the steps a counselor will have you complete is telling your partner what exactly made you upset, and how it made you feel. And then your partner would do the same. By understanding what went on and how it was reciprocated by the partner helps eliminate future conflict. While completing the research for this paper, I learned several new things that I hadnt thought about before. The main new idea was looking at how individuals attached to others during infancy. This idea makes complete sense, because if there is a lack of connection while the infant is developing, it will have repercussions down the road. Having the paternal and maternal bonds helps wire the babys brain, which goes to show that it is a large factor in how the infant will handle stressful situations later in life. This has been a case study for children in orphanages around the world. Children who never develop a bond with a caregiver/parent often have behavioral and emotional issues, such as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Disorders like this can impact a child throughout their entire life, and can play a role in conflict resolution once they reach adulthood. One can conclude from these research studies that men typically dont volunteer willingly to sit and talk through their feelings. Its not a manly thing to do. But honestly, being willing to sit and talk through conflict shows a great deal of strength. Being informed that something you said caused the mess youre in is difficult. And reevaluating how you approach conflict takes time and energy. And Im not saying that just men experience discomfort in talking about feelings. I know many women, myself included, that dislike bringing up areas of conflict. But whether you are willing to rise above the uncomfortable feelings is dependent on how much you

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want the relationship to last. But not being willing to talk through issues is going to catch up with you in the long run. There will always be situations where one needs to be able to communicate, whether it is at work with a boss, another relationship, or anything else, communication will always be key.

Conclusion After reading this paper, you may be thinking to yourself, Thats not me, Im very open! Why should I care about this if I already partake in these steps? If you are a great communicator, I truly applaud you, because I definitely am not. And here is why you should care. Not everyone is blessed in the sharing feelings department. So while this is second nature to you, I can guarantee
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you know someone who struggles with communication. Being a support to someone you love can be the push that they need to repair the conflict happening in their life. Tell them what helps you be open; share resources that have helped you in the past. Let them know what has worked or what didnt work. Support them and encourage to act rationally. The one thing you

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ABSOLUTELY should not do, though, is be bias. There are always two sides to a story, and while it is nice to let your friend know that they are right and have done nothing wrong, A) That is never the case, they have contributed to the problem and B) It can and will create more problems in your friends relationship. If you think that it would be in their best interest to seek help, direct them to professional help. I believe if you follow the processes mentioned in this paper, it will lead to a lifetime of healthy and happy relationships not only for you, but those around you as well.

Resolving Conflict in Relationships Resources

References, not resources Check into the lines that printed out in the citations

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Artakovsky, Margarita, M.S. "How Couples Can Help Each Other De-stress and Improve

Their Relationship | Psych Central." Psych Central.com. N.p., 2011. Web. 25 Feb. 2014.

Chatterjee, Camille. "Can Men and Women Be Friends?" Psychology Today. Sussex

Publishers, LLC, 1 Sept. 2001. Web. 25 Feb. 2014.

Ellis, Bruce J, and Neil M. Malamuth. "Love and Anger in Romantic Relationships: a Discrete Systems Model." Journal of Personality. 68.3 (2000): 525-556. Print.

Gross, Dr. Gail. "How Men Handle Stress Differently." The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com, 18 June 2013. Web. 27 Feb. 2014.

Kane, E. E. "Managing Conflicts In Friendships." Women's Health Issues. www.lifescript.com. 6 May 2008. Web. 28 Feb. 2014.

Parrott, Les, Dr, and Leslie Parrott, Dr. "The 5 Biggest Areas of Conflict for Couples."

RELEVANT Magazine. Worthy Publishing, 13 May 2013. Web. 25 Feb. 2014.

Salvatore, J. E., S. I.-C. Kuo, R. D. Steele, J. A. Simpson, and W. A. Collins. "Recovering From Conflict in Romantic Relationships: A Developmental Perspective." Psychological Science 22.3 (2011): 376-83. Print.

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Shi, Lin. "The Association Between Adult Attachment Styles And Conflict Resolution In Romantic Relationships." American Journal Of Family Therapy 31.3 (2003): 143-157. Academic Search Complete. Web. 20 Feb. 2014.

Sifferlin, Alexandra. "What Women Really Want in a Relationship." Time. Time, 08 Mar. 2012. Web. 21 Feb. 2014.

Ward, Brittany. Assignment One. 14 Feb. 2014. Microsoft Word File.

The Parking Spot Escalation The Big Bang Theory. CBS. WBTV, Charlotte. 29 Nov. 2012. Television.