Acknowledgments:

For Bianca, Atiya, Ashley, Hannah, Gretchen, Leigh, and Charlotte, who have
always told me their stories, and Jay,
who is still listening to mine I am gratefl to my agent, Leigh Feldman, for seeing
me throgh! "ichael and "ariangeles, for s##ort and s#irit! and my #arents, Alan
and Cynthia $essen, who srvived my lost years and, like me, lived to tell% &hank
yo%
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"y sister Cass ran away the morning of my si(teenth )irthday% *he left my #resent,
wra##ed and sitting
otside my )edroom door, and stck a note for my #arents nder the coffeemaker%
+one of s heard her
leave%
I was dreaming when I woke # sddenly to the sond of my mother screaming% I
ran to my door, threw
it o#en, and #rom#tly tri##ed over my gift, whacking my face on a hall light switch%
"y face was aching
as I got to my feet and ran down the hall to the kitchen, where my mother was
standing )y the
coffeemaker with Cass,s note in her hand%
-I .st don,t nderstand this,- she was saying shakily to my father, who was standing
)eside her in his
#a.amas withot his glasses on% &he coffeemaker was s#itting and grgling ha##ily
)ehind them, like this
was any other morning% -*he can,t .st leave% *he can,t%-
-Let me see the note,- my father said calmly, taking it ot of her hand% It was on
Cass,s thick,
monogrammed stationery with matching envelo#es% I had the same ones, same
initials: C/%
Later, when I read it, I saw it was com#letely concise and to the #oint% Cass was not
the ty#e to waste
words%
"om and $ad,
I want yo to know, first, that I,m sorry a)ot this% *omeday
I ho#e I,ll )e a)le to e(#lain it well enogh
so that yo,ll nderstand%
0lease don,t worry% I,ll )e in toch%
I love yo )oth%
Cass
"y mother wi#ed her eyes with the )ack of her hand and looked at me% -*he,s
gone,- she said% -*he
went to )e with him, I know it% How can she do this1 *he,s s##osed to )e at 2ale in
two weeks%-
-"argaret,- my father said, s3inting at the note% -Calm down%-
&he -him- was Cass,s )oyfriend, Adam: He was twenty4one, had a goatee, and lived
in +ew 2ork
working on the Lamont 5hi##er *how% It was one of those shock talk shows where
#eo#le tell their
)oyfriends they,ve )een slee#ing with their )est friends and gests rotinely inclde
6lansmen and
eighty4#ond for4year4olds% Adam,s .o) mostly consisted of getting coffee, #icking
# #eo#le at the
air#ort,
and #lling gests off each other dring the fre3ent fights that scored the show )ig
ratings%
*ince she,d come home from the )each three weeks ago7she,d met Adam there7
Cass had )een gled
to the &8 each day at 9 #%m%, wishing alod for a good fight .st so she cold catch a
glim#se of him%
:sally she did, smiling at the sight of him charging onstage, his face serios, to
ntangle two scra##ing
sisters or a co#le of rowdy cross4dressers%
"y father #t the note down on the ta)le and walked to the #hone% -I,m calling the
#olice,- he said, and
my mother )rst into tears again, her hands rising to her face% /ver her sholder,
throgh the glass door
and over the #atio, I cold see or neigh)ors, Boo and *tewart Connell% &hey were
ctting throgh the
tree line that se#arated
or hoses for my )irthday )rnch! Boo had a )o3et of fresh4ct ;innias,
)right and colorfl, in her hand%
-I .st can,t )elieve this,- my mother said to me, #lling ot a chair and sitting down
at the ta)le% *he was
shaking her head% -5hat if something ha##ens to her1 *he,s only eighteen%-
-2es, hello, I,m calling to re#ort a missing #erson,- my father said sddenly, in his
official $ean of
*tdents voice% -Cassandra /,6oren% 2es% *he,s my daghter%-
I had a sdden memory #o# into my head: my mother, standing in the doorway of
Cass,s and my
childhood room, )ack when we had twin )eds and #ink wall#a#er% *he wold always
kiss s, then stand
in the doorway after trning off the light, her shadow stretching down the length of
the room )etween s%
*he was always the last thing I tried to see )efore I fell aslee#%
-*ee yo in dreamland,- she,d whis#er, and )low s a kiss )efore shtting the door
3ietly )ehind her%
Like dreamland was a real #lace, tangi)le, where we wold all wander close enogh
to catch glim#ses
and )rsh sholders% I always went to slee# determined to go there, to find her and
Cass, and sometimes
I did% Bt it was never the way I imagined it wold )e%
+ow my mother sat wee#ing as my father re#orted Cass,s vital statistics7five4for,
)rown hair, )rown
eyes, mole on left cheek7and I had the sdden sinking feeling that dreamland might
)e the only #lace
we,d )e seeing her for a while%
I heard a knock and looked # to see Boo and *tewart standing on the #atio, waving
at s% &hey,d )een
or neigh)ors for as long as I cold remem)er, since )efore Cass or I was even )orn%
&hey were
former
hi##ies, now +ew Agers! they )elieved in massage, fresh4)aked homemade )read,
and the
$alai Lama% &hey had a)soltely nothing in common with my #arents, e(ce#t
#ro(imity, which had led to
eighteen
years of )eing neigh)ors and or )est family friends%
-Good morning<- Boo called ot to s throgh the door, holding # the flowers for
me to see% -Ha##y
)irthday<- *he reached down and #shed the door o#en, then ste##ed inside with
*tewart following%
He
was carrying a )owl and a #late, each covered with a )rightly colored na#kin, which
he #t down on the
ta)le in front of my mother%
-5e )roght )le)erry )ckwheat #ancake mi( and sliced mangoes,-
*tewart said in his soft voice,
smiling at me% -2or favorites%-
Boo was crossing the room, arms already e(tended, to #ll me close for a tight, long
hg% -Ha##y
)irthday, Caitlin,- she whis#ered in my ear% *he smelled like )read and incense%
-&his will )e yor )est
year yet% I can feel it%-
-$on,t cont on it,- I said, and she #lled )ack and frowned at me, confsed, .st as
my father hng #
the #hone and cleared his throat%
-&echnically,- he said, -they can,t do anything for twenty4for hors% Bt they,re
kee#ing an eye ot for
her% 5e need to call all her friends, right now% "ay)e she told someone something%-
-5hat,s going on1- Boo asked, and at the ta)le my mother .st shook her head% *he
coldn,t even say it%
-"argaret1 5hat is it1-
-It,s Cassandra,- my father told her, his voice flat% -It a##ears that she,s rn away%-
&his was my father,
always formal: He lived for s##osedlys and theoreticallys, not )elieving anything
withot #ro#er #roof%
-/h, my God,- Boo said, #lling ot a chair and yanking it close to my mother
)efore sitting down%
-5hen did she go1-
-I don,t know,- my mother said softly, and Boo took one of her hands, r))ing the
fingers with her own,
as *tewart moved to stand )ehind her, his hand on her sholder% &hey were tochy
#eo#le, always
had
)een% "y father, however, was not, so neither made a move toward him% "y mother
sniffled% -I don,t
know anything%-
-Caitlin,- my father said to me )riskly, -get a list together of her friends, anyone she
might have talked to%
And the nm)er for that 5hitter show, or whatever it,s called%-
-/kay,- I said, not )othering to correct him% He nodded )efore trning his )ack to
my mother and Boo
and *tewart to look ot across the #atio at the few s3irrels crowding the )ird
feeders%
/n my way )ack to my room I #icked # my #resent from where it was lying in the
middle of the
hallway% It was wra##ed in )le #a#er,
with no card, )t I knew it was from Cass% *he wold never
have forgotten my )irthday%
I took it into my room and sat down on my )ed% In the mirror over my )rea I cold
see my face was
scratched from where I,d hit the light switch, the skin arond it a )right #ink% +o one
had even noticed%
I nwra##ed Cass,s #resent slowly, folding the #a#er careflly as I sli##ed it off% It
was a )ook, and as I
trned it over I read the letters on the cover: $ream Jornal% All arond the words
were comets and
stars, moons and sns, scattered across a light #r#le )ackgrond% It was )eatifl%
&he first #age was an introdction a)ot dreams, what they mean, and why we
shold remem)er them%
&his was Cass,s thing7she had )een )ig into sym)ols and signs in the last year% *he
said yo never
knew what the world was trying to tell yo, that yo had to #ay attention
every second%
As I closed the cover, something caght my eye on one of the first #ages% It was an
inscri#tion in Cass,s
loo#y scri#t, my name )ig, the message little%
Caitlin, it said in )lack ink, I,ll see yo there%
====================================
CA**
Cha#ter >
5hen I was for and Cass was si(, she whacked me across the face with a #lastic
shovel at or
neigh)orhood #ark% 5e were in the sand)o(,
and it was winter: In the #ictres, we,re in matching coats
and hats and mittens% "y mother loved to dress s alike, like twins, since we were
only two years a#art%
5e did look alike, with the same rond face and dark eyes and the same )rown hair%
Bt we weren,t the
same, even then%
&he story goes like this: Cass had the shovel and I wanted it% "y mother was sitting
watching s on a
)ench with Boo, who had her camera and was sna##ing #ictres% &his was at
Commons 0ark, the small
grassy area in the center of or neigh)orhood, Lakeview% Besides the sand)o(es it
also had a swing set,
one of those circlar things yo #sh real fast and then .m# on7a kind of manal
merry4go4rond7and
enogh grass to #lay )ase)all or kick)all% Cass and I s#ent most of the afternoons of
or childhood at
Commons 0ark, )t the shovel incident is what we )oth always remem)ered%
+ot that we orselves recalled it that well% 5e had .st heard the story reconted so
many times over
the years that it was easy to take the details and fold them into or own s#arse
memories, em)ellishing
here or there to fill in the )lanks%
It is said that I reached for the shovel and Cass woldn,t give it to me, so I gra))ed
her hand and tried
to yank it away% A strggle ensed,
which mst have looked harmless ntil Cass somehow scra#ed one
hard #lastic edge across my tem#le and it )egan to )leed%
&his moment, the moment, we have docmented in one of Boo,s #hotos% &here is
one #ictre of Cass
and me #laying ha##ily, another of the strggle over the shovel ?I,m wailing, my
moth a #erfect /, while
Cass looks st))orn and determined, always a fighter@, and finally,
a shot of her arm e(tended, the
shovel against my face, and a )lr in the left corner, which I know is my mother,
.m#ing to her feet and
rnning to the sand)o( to #ll s a#art%
A##arently, there was a lot of )lood% "y mother ran throgh the winding sidewalks
of Lakeview with
me in her arms, shrieking, then took me to the hos#ital where I received five tiny
stitches% Cass got to
stay at Boo and *tewart,s, eat ice cream, and watch &8 ntil we got home%
&he shovel was destroyed% "y mother, already a nervos case, woldn,t let s leave
the hose or #lay
with anything not #lsh or stffed for a)ot si( months% And I grew # with a scar
over my eye, small
enogh that hardly anyone ever noticed it, e(ce#t for me% And Cass%
As we grew older, I,d sometimes look # to find her #eering very closely at my face,
finding the scar
with her eyes )efore reaching # with one hand to trace it with her finger% *he
always said it made her
feel horri)le to look at it, even thogh we )oth knew it wasn,t really her falt% It was
.st one more thing
we had in common, like or faces, or gestres, and or initials%
5hen Cass was )orn my mother still wasn,t sre what to name her% "y mother had
sffered terri)le
morning sickness, and Boo, who had moved in ne(t door dring the forth month or
so, s#ent a lot of
time making her)al tea and r))ing my mother,s feet, trying to make her force down
the occasional
saltine cracker% Boo was the one who sggested Cassandra%
-In Greek mythology she was a seer, a #ro#het,- she told my mother, whose
tendencies leaned more
toward Alice or "ary% -/f corse she came to a horri)le end, )t in Greek
mythology, who doesn,t1
Besides, what more cold yo want for yor daghter than to )e a)le to see her own
ftre1-
*o Cassandra it was% By the time I came along, my mom and Boo were )est friends%
Boo,s real name
was 6atherine, )t she hated it, so I was named Caitlin, the Irish version% Cass,s
name was always
cooler, )t to )e named for Boo was something s#ecial, so I never com#lained% Her
name was .st one
thing I envied a)ot Cass% Aven with all or similarities, it was the things we didn,t
have in common that I
was always
most aware of%
====================================
"y sister wasn,t a seer or a #ro#het, at least not at eighteen% 5hat she was, was
stdent )ody #resident
two years rnning, star right wing of the girls, soccer team ?*tate Cham#s her .nior
and senior year@, and
Homecoming Been% *he volnteered cho##ing vegeta)les at the homeless shelter
for so# night every
&hrsday, had )een skydiving twice, and was famos in or high school for staging
a sit4in to #rotest the
firing of a #o#lar Anglish teacher for assigning -3estiona)le
reading material-7&oni "orrison,s
Beloved% *he made the local news for that one, s#eaking clearly and angrily to a
local re#orter,
her eyes
)la;ing, with half the school framed in the shot cheering
)ehind her% "y father, in his recliner, .st sat
there and grinned%
&here were only two times I can remem)er ever seeing Cass really de#ressed% /ne
was after the soccer
*tate Cham#ionshi# so#homore year, when she missed the goal that cold have won
it all% *he locked
herself in her room for a fll day% *he never talked a)ot it again, instead
.st focsing on the ne(t
season, when she rectified the loss )y scoring the only two goals of the
cham#ionshi# game%
&he second time was at the end of her .nior year, when her first real )oyfriend,
Jason 0acker, dm#ed
her so he cold -see other #eo#le-
and -en.oy his freedom- in his last smmer )efore college% Cass cried
for a week straight, sitting on her )ed in her )athro)e and staring
ot the window, refsing to go
anywhere%
*he drew )ack from everyone a )it, s#ending a lot of time ne(t door with Boo where
they drank tea,
discssed Cen Bddhism, and read dream )ooks together% &his was when Cass
)ecame so s#irital,
scanning the world arond her for signs and sym)ols, sre that there had to )e a
message for her
somewhere%
*he got into three ot of the for schools she a##lied to, and ended # choosing
2ale% "y #arents were
ecstatic and threw a #arty to cele)rate%
5e all a##laded and cheered as she )ent over to slice a )ig
cake that read watch ot yale: here comes cass< which my mother had ordered
s#ecial from a )akery in
town%
Bt Cass wasn,t herself% *he smiled and acce#ted all the #ats on the )ack, rolling her
eyes now and then
at my #arents, #ride and e(citement%
Bt it seemed to me that she was .st going throgh the motions%
I
wondered if she was looking for a sign, something she coldn,t find with s or even
at 2ale%
*he stayed in this fnk all the way throgh gradation% In mid4Jne she went to stay
with her friend
"indy,s family at the )each and got a .o) renting ot )each chairs )y the )oardwalk
every day% &hree
mornings into it she met Adam% He was down at the )each on vacation
with some friends from the
show, and rented a chair from her% He stayed all day, then asked her ot%
I cold tell when she called the ne(t morning, her voice so ha##y and laghing over
the line, that or
Cass was )ack% Bt not, we soon learned, for long%
I don,t think any of s knew how mch we,d needed Cass ntil she was gone% All we
had was her room,
her stories, and the 3iet that settled
in as we tried in vain to s#read orselves ot and fill the s#ace she,d
left )ehind%
====================================
Averyone forgot my )irthday as or kitchen )ecame mission control,
fll of ringing #hones, lod voices,
and #anic% "y mother refsed
to leave the #hone, #ositive Cass wold call any minte and say it was all
a .oke, of corse she was still going to 2ale% "eanwhile my mother,s friends from
the 0&A and Jnior
Leage circled throgh the hose making fresh #ots of coffee every five mintes,
wi#ing the conters
down, and clcking their tonges in #acks )y the )ack door% "y father sht himself
in his office to call
everyone who,d ever known Cass, hanging # each time to cross another name off
the long list in front of
him% *he was eighteen, so technically she coldn,t )e listed as a rnaway% *he was
more like a soldier
gone A5/L, still owing some service and on the lam%
&hey,d already tried Adam,s a#artment in +ew 2ork, )t the nm)er
had )een disconnected% &hen
they called the Lamont *hi##er *how, where they ke#t getting an answering
machine encoraging them
to leave their e(#erience with this week,s to#ic7"y &win $resses Like a *lt and I
Can,t *tand It<7so
that a staffer cold get )ack to them%
-I can,t )elieve she,d do this,- my mother ke#t saying% -2ale% *he,s s##osed to )e at
2ale%- And all the
heads arond her wold nod, or hand her more coffee, or clck again%
I went into Cass,s room and sat on her )ed, looking arond at how neatly she,d left
everything% In a
stack )y the )rea was everything she and my mother had )oght on endless
*atrday tri#s to
5al4"art for college: #illowcases, a fan, a little #lastic )asket to hold her shower
stff, hangers, and her
new )le comforter, still in its #lastic )ag% I wondered how long she,d known she
woldn,t se any of this
stff7 when she,d hatched this #lan to )e with Adam% *he,d fooled s all, every one%
*he had come home from the )each tanned, gorgeos, and slo##y in love, and
#roceeded to s#end
a)ot an hor each night on the #hone long4distance with him, s#ending every )it of
the money she,d
made that smmer%
-I love yo,- she,d whis#er to him, and I,d )lsh! she didn,t even care that I was
there% *he,d )e lying
across the )ed, twirling and n4twirling the cord arond her wrist% -+o, I love yo
more% I do% Adam, I
do% /kay% Good night% I love yo% 5hat1 "ore than anything% Anything%
I swear% /kay% I love yo
too%- And when she finally did hang # she,d #ll her legs # against her chest,
grinning st#idly, and sigh%
-2o are #athetic,- I told her one night when it was #articlarly sickening, involving
a)ot twenty I love
yos and for #nkins%
-/h, Caitlin,- she said, sighing again, rolling over on the )ed and sitting # to look
at me% -*omeday this
will ha##en to yo%-
-God, I ho#e not,- I said% -If I act like that, )e sre to #t me ot of my misery%-
-/h, really,- she said, raising one eye)row% &hen, )efore I cold react, she lnged
forward and gra))ed
me arond the waist, #lling me down onto the )ed with her% I tried to wriggle away
)t she was strong,
laghing in my ear as we foght% -Give,- she said in my ear! she had a lock hold on
my waist% -Go on% *ay
it%-
-/kay, okay,- I said, laghing% -I give%- I cold feel her )reathing against the )ack of
my neck%
-Caitlin, Caitlin,- she said in my ear, one arm still thrown over my sholder, holding
me there% *he
reached # with her finger and traced the scar over my eye)row, and I closed my
eye, )reathing in% Cass
always
smelled like Ivory soa# and fresh air% -2o,re sch a #ain in the ass,- she whis#ered
to me% -Bt
I love yo anyway%-
-Likewise,- I said%
&hat had )een two weeks earlier% *he had to have known even then she was leaving%
I walked to her mirror and looked at all the ri))ons and #ictres she had ta#ed
arond it: s#elling )ees,
honor roll, shots from the mall #hoto )ooth of her friends making faces and
laghing, their arms loo#ed
arond each other% &here were a co#le of s, too% /ne from a Christmas when we
were kids, )oth of
s in little red dresses and white tights, holding hands, and one from a smmer at the
lake where we,re
sitting at the end of a dock, legs dangling over, in or matching )le #olka4dot
)athing sits, eating
0o#sicles%
/n the other side of the wall, in my room, I had the same )ed, the same )rea set,
and the same
mirror% Bt on my mirror, I had one #ictre of my )est friend, Dina, my third4#lace
ri))on from
horse)ack
riding, and my certificate from the B honor roll% "ost #eo#le wold have )een
ha##y with
that% Bt for me, with Cass always )la;ing
the trail ahead, there was nothing to do )t #ale in
com#arison%
/kay, so may)e I was .ealos, now and then, )t I cold never have hated Cass% *he
came to all my
com#etitions, cheering the lodest
as I went for the )ron;e% *he was the first one waiting for me when I
came off the ice dring my only skating com#etition, after falling on my ass for
times in five mintes% *he
didn,t even say anything, .st took off her mittens, gave them to me, and hel#ed me
)ack to the dressing
rooms where I cried in #rivate as she nlaced my skates, telling knock4knock .okes
the whole time%
&o )e honest, a #art of me had )een looking forward to Cass going
off to 2ale at the end of the
smmer% I thoght her leaving might actally give me some growing room, a chance
to finally strike ot on
my own% Bt this changed everything%
IEd always conted on Cass to lead me% *he was ot there somewhere,
)t she,d taken her own rote,
and for once I coldn,t follow% &his time, she,d left me to find my own way%
Cha#ter F
&he ne(t morning when I woke # I reali;ed I hadn,t dreamed at all, not even one
fleeting image% I took
the )ook Cass gave me ot from nder my )ed, where I,d hidden it, and o#ened it to
the first #age%
&here was a drawing of a fll moon, s#rinkled with stars, in the corner%
Agst >G, I wrote at the to# of the #age% +othing last night% And yo,re still gone%
I coldn,t think of anything else, so I got ot of )ed, threw on some clothes, and
went down the hallway
to the kitchen% &he door to my #arents, room was closed and my father was in his
office, on the #hone%
He had to have talked to a hndred #eo#le in the last twenty4for hors%
-I nderstand that,- he was saying, his voice level, )t I cold tell he was frstrated%
-Bt eighteen or not,
we want her home% *he,s not the kind of girl who does something like this%-
&he door to his office was half o#en, and I cold see him standing )y the window,
rnning his #alm over
the small )ald #atch at the )ack of his head% "y father, as the $ean of *tdents at the
niversity, dealt
with #ro)lems every day% He was the stand4in #arent for thosands
of ndergradates, and was 3oted
each time a fraternity got caght #lling #ranks or a )eer )ash got ot of hand% Bt
this was different%
&his was a)ot s%
I #lled the #atio door o#en and sli##ed otside, where it was thickly hot and
mggy, another Agst
morning% Bt at least it was 3iet%
+e(t door, I cold see Boo and *tewart sitting at their kitchen ta)le, eating )reakfast%
Boo raised her
hand, waved, and then gestred for me to come over, smiling% I took one look )ack
at my own hose,
where my mother,s stress filled the rooms to the ceiling, leaving a stink and
heaviness like smoke, and
started across the one stri# of green grass that se#arated their )ackyard from ors%
5hen I was little and got in tro)le and sent to my room, I,d always
sit on my )ed and wish that Boo
and *tewart were my #arents% &hey,d never had kids of their own% "y mother said it
was )ecase they
acted so mch like children themselves, )t I liked to think it was so they cold )e
there for me, if I ever
needed to trade my own family%
&he window in my room faced their )ack sn#orch, an all4glass room where Boo
ke#t most of her
#lants% *he was mad for ferns% *tewart,s stdio7he taght art at the niversity7was
.st off that room,
in what was s##osed to )e the living room% &hey ke#t their )ed in the corner, and
they didn,t even have
any real frnitre to s#eak of! when yo were invited over, yo sat on )ig red velvet
cshions
decorated
with se3ins that Boo had #icked # on a tri# to India% &his drove my conservative
mother cra;y, so Boo
and *tewart almost always came to or hose, where "om cold rela( among the
safety and comfort of
her ottomans and end ta)les%
Bt that was what Cass and I loved most a)ot them: their hose, their lives, even
their names%
-"r% Connell,s my father, and he lives in California,- *tewart always
said% He was a mild and 3iet man,
3ite )rilliant, whose hair was always sticking straight #, like a mad scientist,s, and
flecked with varios
colors of #aint%
For most of the nights of my life I cold hear *tewart coming home late from his
niversity stdio, the
)rakes of his )ike7they had in old 85 )s, )t it )roke down constantly7
s3eaking all the way from
the )ridge down the street% He,d glide down the slo#e of their yard, nder the
clothesline, to the garage%
*ometimes he forgot a)ot the clothesline and almost killed himself, flying
)ackward while the )ike went
on, nmanned, to crash against the garage door% 2o,d think they wold have moved
the clothesline after
the second time or so% Bt they didn,t%
-It,s not the falt of the clothesline,- *tewart e(#lained to me one day, r))ing the
red, )rned s#ot on
his neck% He,d )roken his glasses again and had them ta#ed together in the middle%
-It,s a)ot me
res#ecting
it as an o)stacle%-
+ow Boo slid their door o#en and came ot to meet me on their #atio% *he was in a
#air of old overalls,
a faded red tank to# nderneath,
and her feet were )are% Her long red hair was #iled on to# of her
head, a few cho#sticks stck in here and there to hold it in #lace% Inside, *tewart was
sitting at the ta)le,
eating a )ig #each and reading a )ook% He looked # and waved at me! he had .ice
all over his chin%
-*o,- Boo said, #tting an arm arond my sholder% -How are things on the home
front1-
-Awfl,- I said% -"om won,t sto# crying%-
*he sighed, and we stood there for a few mintes, .st looking across their yard% Boo
had gone throgh
a Ja#anese garden stage a few years )ack, which reslted in a foot)ridge and a fat,
rsted iron Bddha
scl#tre%
-I .st can,t )elieve she didn,t tell me anything,- I said% -I feel like I shold have
known something was
going on%-
Boo sighed, reaching to tck a #iece of hair )ehind her ear% -I think she #ro)a)ly
didn,t want to #t yo
in that #osition,- she said, s3atting down to #ll a dandelion at the edge of the
#atio, lifting it to her face
to )reathe in the scent% -It was a )ig secret to kee#%-
-I gess%- *omeone was mowing their lawn a few yards down, the motor hmming%
-I .st thoght
everything was #erfect for her, like it always was% 2o know1-
Boo nodded, standing # and stretching her )ack% -5ell, that,s a lot of #ressre%
Being #erfect% Dight1-
I shrgged% -I woldn,t know%-
-"e neither,- she said with a smile% -Bt I think it was harder for Cass than we
reali;ed, may)e% It,s so
easy to get caght # in what #eo#le e(#ect of yo% *ometimes, yo can .st lose
yorself%-
*he walked to the edge of the #atio, )ending down to #ll another dandelion% I
watched her, then said,
-Boo1-
-2es1-
-$id she tell yo she was going1-
*he stood # slowly% -+o,- she said, as the lawnmower droned on down the street%
-*he didn,t% Bt
Cass had a hard year, last year% &hings weren,t always as easy as she made them
seem, Caitlin% It,s
im#ortant
that yo know that%-
I watched her #ll a few more flowers, adding them to the )nch in her hand, )efore
she came over and
s3ee;ed my sholder% -5hat a cra##y )irthday, hh1- she said%
I shrgged% -It doesn,t matter% I woldn,t have done anything anyway%-
-5hat a)ot Dina1- she said%
-*he,s off with her new ste#dad,- I told her, and she shook her head% -Bermda this
time%- "y )est
friend Dina *wain,s mom had .st gotten remarried again: &his was nm)er for%
*he only married rich,
and never for love, which led to Dina living in nicer and nicer hoses, going to
endless e(otic #laces, and
#iling # hge thera#y )ills% Dina had what Boo called Isses, )t the gys at school
had another
name
for it%
-5ell, come inside,- Boo said, #lling the door o#en and ste##ing )ack to let me in
first% -Let me make
yo )reakfast and we,ll not talk a)ot any of this at all%-
I sat down at the ta)le ne(t to *tewart, who had finished his #each and was now
sketching on the )ack
of the #ower )ill envelo#e, while Boo filled a mason .ar with water and arranged the
dandelions in it%
*tewart,s canvases, )oth finished and nfinished, covered the walls and were stacked
against any solid
srface in the hose% *tewart did #ortraits of strangers: All his work was )ased on
the theory that art was
a)ot the nfamiliar%
*tewart might have )een nconventional, )t his art classes were insanely #o#lar at
the niversity% &his
was mostly )ecase he didn,t )elieve in grades or criticism, and was a strong
#ro#onent of coed massage
as a way of getting in toch with yor artistic s#irit% "y father
had )een 3oted a)ot *tewart,s teaching
#ractices more than once, and always sed words like ni3e, free s#irit, and artistic
choice% 0rivately, he
wished *tewart wold wear a tie now and then and sto# leading meditation
worksho#s in the 3ad on
)ig foot)all weekends%
*tewart looked over and smiled at me% -How,s it feel to )e si(teen1-
-+o )ig difference,- I said% 5ith all the confsion, my father had forgotten a)ot
taking me to get my
driver,s license, )t everyone had )een so cra;y I hadn,t wanted to ask%
-/h, now,- he said, #shing the envelo#e away and #tting down his #en% -&hat,s the
great thing a)ot
aging% It .st gets )etter every year%-
-Here yo go,- Boo said, #lnking a #late down in front of me: scram)led tof,
Fakin, Bacon, and some
#omegranates%
-I remem)er when I was si(teen,- *tewart said, sitting )ack in his chair% His feet
were )are, too, and
s#rinkled with green #aint% -I hitched a ride to *an Francisco and had a )rrito for
the first time% It was
incredi)le%-
-Deally,- I said, #icking # the envelo#e he,d )een doodling on% It was .st half a
face, sketchily drawn% I
trned it over and was startled to see something in Cass,s writing: her name, doodled
in )le, signed with
a florish, as if she,d )een sitting in this same chair some other morning, eating
scram)led tof, .st like
me%
-Jst )eing free, ot on the road, the world wide o#en%%%- He leaned closer to me, )t
I was still looking
at Cass,s name, sddenly so sad I felt like I coldn,t )reathe% It seemed im#ossi)le
that Cass had )een
#lanning to change her life com#letely while none of s even noticed!
even when she doodled on that
envelo#e, it cold have )een on her mind%
%% anything #ossi)le,- *tewart was saying% -Anything at all%-
I )linked, and swallowed over the lm# in my throat% I wanted to kee# that envelo#e
and hold it close to
me, like it was sddenly all I had left of her, some sort of living #art #lsing in my
hand%
-Caitlin1- Boo said, coming over and )ending down )eside me% -5hat is it1- *he
leaned down and saw
the envelo#e, catching her )reath% -/h, honey,- she said, and even )efore she
wra##ed her arms arond
me I was already leaning in, tcking my head against her sholder as she held me, as
I knew she,d held
Cass, in this same chair, at this same ta)le, in this same light, on other mornings, not
like this%
====================================
5hen I walked # to or sliding glass door, the #hone was ringing%
+o one seemed to )e arond, so I
#icked it #%
-Hello1-
&here was a silence, with .st a )it of );;ing%
-Hello1-
"y father a##eared in the doorway, ot of )reath: He,d )een otside,
in the garage% -5ho is it1-
I shook my head% -I don,t7=
He was immediately )eside me, #lling the receiver ot of my hand% -Cassandra1 Is
that yo1-
-Jack1- my mother said from their )edroom% I cold hear her moving, coming closer,
and then she
a##eared in the hallway, cltching
a tisse, one hand over her moth% -I do;ed off% Is it7-
-Cassandra, listen to me% 2o have to come home% 5e,re not mad at yo, )t yo
have to come home%-
His voice was shaking%
-Let me talk to her,- my mother said, coming closer, )t he shook his head, holding
ot one hand to
kee# her there%
-&ell her we love her<- my mother said, and I coldn,t stand the way her voice
sonded, nsre and
wavering% I sli##ed arond them )oth and into my room, slowly #icking # my own
#hone% /n the line,
no one was s#eaking%
-Cassandra,- my father said finally% -&alk to me%-
*ilence% I #ictred her standing in a #hone )ooth )y a highway, cars whi;;ing )y% A
#lace I,d never seen,
a world I didn,t know% &hen, sddenly, I heard her voice%
-$addy,- she )egan, and I heard my father take in a )reath, 3ickly, as if he,d )een
#nched in the
stomach% -I,m okay% I,m ha##y% Bt I,m not coming home%-
-5here are yo1- he demanded%
-Let me talk to her<- my mother shrieked in the )ackgrond% *he cold have gone
into my father,s office
and #icked # the e(tension there, )t I knew she wasn,t thinking of that, coldn,t
even move from that
s#ot in the hallway where she was standing% -Cassandra<-
-$on,t worry a)ot me,- Cass said% -I,m7-
-+o,- my father said% -2o mst come home%-
-&his is what I want,- she said% -2o have to res#ect that%-
-2o,re only eighteen,- my father told her% -&his is ridiclos, yo can,t #ossi)ly
know7-
-$addy,- she said, and I reali;ed sddenly I was crying, again, the receiver wet
against my face% -I,m
sorry% I love yo% 0lease tell "om not to worry%-
-+o,- my father said, firm% -5e are not7-
-Caitlin1- she said sddenly% -I know yo,re there% I can hear yo%-
-5hat is she saying1- my mother ke#t asking, now close to the receiver%
-5here is she1-
-"argaret, .st hold on,- my father told her%
-2es,- I whis#ered )ack to Cass% -I,m here%-
-$on,t cry, okay1- she said% &he line crackled, and I thoght of her tackling me that
night, her )reath
against my neck, laghing in my ear% -I love yo% I,m sorry a)ot yor )irthday%-
-It,s nothing,- I said%
&here was a voice otside her end, a yell, and another );; on the line% -Is that
him1- my father
demanded% -Is he there1-
-I have to go,- she said% -0lease don,t worry, okay1-
-$ammit, Cassandra,- my father said% -$on,t yo hang # this #hone<-
-Good4)ye,- she said softly, as my father,s voice dro##ed away% -Good4)ye%-
-Cassandra<- my mother wailed into the #hone, all the anger and fear of the last
twenty4for hors
)rsting across the line% -0lease7-
Click% And she was gone%
Cha#ter H
By the time I started school two days later, we hadn,t heard from Cass again% &he
first call had come
from somewhere in +ew Jersey, )t )eyond that there was a whole world that cold
have swallowed her
#%
I still didn,t have anything I thoght worthy of )eing entered in my .ornal% I was
waiting for something
that was meaningfl, real, a night when I saw Cass and she s#oke to me% Bt instead
my dreams were as
dll as my everyday life, consisting mostly of me walking arond the mall or school,
looking for some
ndetermined thing that i cold never find, while faces )lrred in front of me% I
woke # tired and
frstrated, and felt like I never got any real slee# at all%
"y mother ke#t Cass,s )edroom door sht, with all of her 2ale stff #iled # on the
)ed, waiting for
her% I was the only one who ever went in there, and when I did the air always
smelled stale and strange,
#ent # like the sorrow my mother carried in her sholders, her heart, and her face%
*he was taking it the hardest% "y mother had s#ent the last eighteen
years .st as involved in Cass,s
activities as Cass herself was% *he sewed se3in after se3in on )allet costmes,
made Dice 6ris#ies
&reats )y the #anfl for soccer team )ake sales, and cha#eroned $e)ate Cl) )s
tri#s% *he knew
Cass,s #laying stats, *A& scores, and G0A )y heart% *he,d )een #re#ared to )e .st as
involved
long4distance% A co#y of Cass,s 2ale schedle was already ta#ed to or refrigerator,
my mother a
mem)er of the 0arents, /rgani;ation, #lane tickets #re4)oght for 0arents, 5eekend
in /cto)er% Bt
now, in claiming her own life, Cass had taken #art of my mother,s as well%
I got my license, finally, and withot comment was given the keys to Cass,s car% It
was de to )e mine
anyway, since she coldn,t have taken it to 2ale, )t it still felt strange% I #t all her
ta#es and the "ardi
Gras )eads she,d hng on the rearview mirror into a )o( and stck it in the corner of
the garage, nder a
#atio chair and some flower#ots%
It seemed like I coldn,t do anything withot thinking a)ot her: &he
scar over my eye was always the first thing I noticed in the mirror,s reflection now%
As for my father, he threw himself into his work% 5ith a new semester,
he was now )sy with a class of
incoming freshmen, a set of demonstrations over a controversial s#eaker, and a
gro# of foot)all #layers
who had started a )rawl at a local dance )ar% He coldn,t -fi(- the #ro)lem of Cass
rnning away, )t
throgh work he cold still do his daily miracles, smoothing tensions and reassring
nervos
administrators%
5henever I see my father in my mind, he is wearing a tie% &hey were the only gifts
Cass and I ever gave
him for his )irthday, Christmas,
and Father,s $ay, year after year% In all, he owned hndreds )y now,
the collection careflly hng and organi;ed in his closet )y color and degree of
lodness% ?$ring or
grade school years, we were enamored
of #olka dots and )ig stri#es%@ It had )ecome somewhat of a
family .oke, at this #oint, and we,d taken to wra##ing them in strangely sha#ed
)o(es and t)es, even
folded # tiny in a .ewelry )o(7.st to make things more interesting% Bt he wore
them, #rodly, each
day to work, and #rided himself on remem)ering not only the giver and the
occasion, )t the year as
well% If my mother was the emotion of or family, he was the fact4kee#er% He
remem)ered everything%
-Caitlin, Christmas, >IGG,- he,d say, smoothing his hand #rodly over a tie I myself
didn,t even
recogni;e% -2o had the chicken #o(%-
&he other thing my father loved7)esides ties, and s7was s#orts% 5henever the
niversity )asket)all
or foot)all team #layed, Cass and I wold find or way into the living room and
#lant orselves on the
floor at his feet to watch and scream and trash the refs together% It was the only time
we got to see him
lose his cool, get so emotional and ecstatic,
and we loved it% &he rest of the time, he was like the #layer
with nerves of steel, the only #erson yo want to get the )all to when it,s a tie game
with only seven
seconds left% He,d never let yo down%
Bt now, Cass had done something to him: an intentional fol, illegal
movement, the )iggest of #enalties%
I,d )een there the day 2ale called to check on whether Cass was still coming, and
saw my father,s face
as he e(#lained, no, not this semester% &hen he sat )ack down in his chair to watch
)ase)all while I went
to her room and sat on her )ed, )reathing in that #ent4# air, and #ictred that world,
too, going on
withot her%
====================================
I,d )een )ack in school a)ot a week when my )est friend, Dina, finally convinced
me to try ot for
cheerleading% *he arged that it was one of the few things Cass had never done, and
therefore I was
#retty mch re3ired to do it% I wasn,t so sre a)ot this%
-*he never did it for a reason,- I told her as we walked to the gym for tryots after
school% Getting
ad.sted to school after a long, la;y smmer had )een togh, not to mention the
occasional whis#ers or
stares from #eo#le who knew a)ot Cass rnning away% *he,d )een well4known at
school, and it was
great end4of4smmer gossi#, earning
me a newfond notoriety that made me very ncomforta)le%
-And what reason was that1- Dina asked me%
-Becase she was an athlete,- I said% I was reali;ing that more and more I was
referring to Cass in the
#ast tense, as if she was dead and not .st gone% -+ot a Bar)ie doll%-
-Cheerleading is a s#ort,- Dina said firmly% -And )esides, yo get to go to all the
good #arties%-
I sighed, shaking my head% Dina and I were mismatched as friends, )t somehow
we,d stck together
since seventh grade, when she moved to town with her mom from Boca Daton to
live with *te#dad
+m)er
&wo, the dry4cleaning king, across the street from s% All the girls at school hated her
immediately )ecase she was flat4ot gorgeos, even then: tall, with a #erfect figre,
straw)erry4)lond
crls, hge )le eyes, and fll li#s in a heart4sha#ed face% Her arrival at Jackson
"iddle #receded the
)reak# of two well4esta)lished co#les, as well as marking the )eginnings of a
re#tation )ilt more on
s#eclation and wishfl thinking than trth, which had followed her since%
Bt I knew Dina% I knew she only chased )oys )ecase her father, who hosted a
cartoon and kids, show
in Boca called Harvey,s Heroes, had refsed to acknowledge her as his daghter,
even after a )lood test
#roved otherwise% *he once told me that as a kid she watched his show every day,
and that he was great
with the children in the adience,
so fnny and silly, #lling ra))its ot of hats or telling st#id .okes%
-He .st seemed like he,d )e the #erfect dad, yo know1- she said% -And all I cold
think was that he
hated me% Bt I still watched, every day% I don,t even know why%-
Dina,s mom, Lisa7also tall, )lond, and gorgeos7ke#t remarrying,
and Dina got tri#s, clothes,
.ewelry, and )ig rooms in nice hoses with her own &8 and #hone% &he love she
wanted she,d learned to
look for elsewhere, with mi(ed reslts%
At the )eginning of ninth grade, Lisa had an affair with her )oss and moved Dina
across town, divorcing
+m)er &wo to live with the man who wold soon )ecome +m)er &hree% "y
mother )reathed a sigh
of relief, thinking now I cold find a -nicer- girl to )e )est friends with% Bt I knew
Dina, like me, didn,t
make friends very easily%
And she was good to me: strong, fn, and fiercely loyal% And if I didn,t have
many other friends )ecase of her7most girls were intimidated
)y her looks, or thoght she was too
#shy, or .st flat4ot feared for their )oyfriends7it never )othered me% I never
missed having
a wide,
thick circle of girlfriends: Dina was more than enogh% 5e were comforta)le with
each other,s flaws and
weaknesses, so we stck together and ke#t to orselves% And once my mother
reali;ed that I wasn,t
going to start wearing tight skirts and dating half the )asket)all
team7so Dina4es3e7she rela(ed and
got sed to her as well% *he always liked to see Dina as needing strctre ?it was all
those divorces@,
so
she took to inviting her to dinners and holidays and on or yearly )each tri#, folding
her into or e(tended
family%
+ow, as we walked into the gym, a #ack of girls )y the )leachers trned to look at
s, narrowing their
eyes, moths already whis#ering%
&his was the standard reaction to Dina, anywhere we went, from
5al4"art to the movies, from )oth strangers and schoolmates% It always
)othered me7I was
#rotective of her7)t she didn,t even seem to notice anymore%
-I don,t want to do this,- I com#lained, even as she was writing )oth or names
down at the sign4#
ta)le, which was manned )y Chelsea Do))ins, head cheerleader, rnner4# to Cass
for Homecoming
Been the year )efore%
-*re yo do,- Dina said easily, flashing her million4dollar smile at Chelsea, who
smiled )ack .st as
fake, tossing her )lond #onytail% -It,ll )e fn%-
-*o Caitlin,- Chelsea asked me, -how are yo doing1-
I looked at her% Her head was cocked to the side, her face serios% -Fine,- I said%
*he nodded, sym#athetic, and di##ed her )lond head and her voice a little lower
)efore adding, -I can,t
)elieve it a)ot Cass% I mean, she never strck me as that ty#e%-
I had a sdden flash of Chelsea standing on the Homecoming Float, in her rnner4#
sash, waving with a
#erky smile that coldn,t com#letely hide the fact that she was )itter she,d )een
)eaten% -5hat ty#e is
that1- I asked her%
Her )ig )le eyes widened% -5ell, I mean, I .st think %%% she was going to 2ale and
all% *he like, totally,
flaked ot, right1-
-Come on, Caitlin,- Dina said, locking her fingers arond my wrist%
5hat I was feeling was new for me, a )))ling # of anger, mi(ed with so many
images from the last
two weeks: my mother wee#ing! my father rnning his hand over his head, closing
his eyes! Cass,s name
doodled on the )ack of that envelo#e! her inscri#tion to me in )le ink: *ee yo
there%
Dina yanked me )y the arm, hard, and )egan to #ll me away%
-Good lck,- Chelsea yelled after s, and I tried to trn )ack )t Dina held me tight%
*omeone was
)lowing a whistle: &ryots were starting%
-Caitlin,- Dina said in a low voice% -I like a good fight as well as the ne(t #erson, )t
7-
-$id yo hear what she was saying1-
-*he,s a )itch,- Dina said flatly, #lo##ing down on the )leachers and crossing her
legs% &wo heavyset
girls sitting farther down looked over, their eyes traveling # and down Dina from
her face to her toes%
*he ignored them% -5e knew that already, right1 Bt starting something
now wold )low or chances at
cheerleading, and we don,t want to do that, do we1-
-2es,- I said%
*he sighed, reaching # to flff her crls% -$o this for me, okay1 I #romise yo,ll
thank me later% &rst
me%-
I looked at her% &hose two little words had gotten me into more tro)le than I cared
to remem)er%
-/kay, fine,- she said 3ickly% -$o what Cass wold do, then%-
-And what,s that1- I said%
*he shook her head% -2o don,t know1-
From the middle of the gym floor, Chelsea Do))ins )egan cla##ing her hands%
-/kay, ladies, it,s time to
get started< 5e,re going to show yo a )asic rotine to learn for first cts% Let,s go<-
Dina trned and smiled at me% -6ick their )tts,- she said, standing
#% -&hat,s what Cass wold do%-
At least two hndred girls were milling arond the gym floor, stretching and talking%
I was sre they all
wanted this more than I did% Bt still%
-6ick their )tts,- I re#eated, as if it wold )e that sim#le, watching
as Chelsea Do))ins cartwheeled
down the gym, showing off her )once and #e#% -/kay%-
====================================
5hen I )roght my cheerleading niform home three days later, I saw Boo coming
)t didn,t move fast
enogh% *he interce#ted me on the front #orch, leaving from a visit to my mother%
-Hel4lo<- she said cheerflly% -I have )een working on yor mother for the last hor
to .oin this #ottery
class with me% 2o know, something to get her ot of the hose% Bt she,s so
st))orn%-
&he niform was folded over my arm, and I tried to shift it )ehind me% -&hat,s
great,- I said%
-5ell, she,s not firm on it yet,- she said, craning her neck as I sli##ed the niform
arond my )ack%
-5hat,s that1-
-I don,t think %%%- I said, )t it was too late! she had it now, #lling it arond me to
hold # in front of her%
-/h,- she gas#ed, one hand moving to cover her moth% I felt my face )rn,
ashamed, as dee# red as
the raised JH* on the sweater% As far as Boo was concerned, I might as well have
.oined the 6lan% -/h,
goodness%-
-I know what yo,re going to say,- I )egan% -Bt7-
-+o, no,- she said 3ickly, handing it )ack to me% -&hat,s great% Good for yo%-
-It was Dina,s idea,- I said, feeling so lame I cold hardly stand it% Boo, a #rofessor
of women,s stdies,
had fndamental #ro)lems with #ageants, the )eaty indstry and, of corse,
cheerleading% I knew this%
-It,s okay,- she said to me calmly, smiling now% -5hatever makes yo ha##y%-
-It,s not making me ha##y,- I e(#lained hastily% -It .st kind of ha##ened%-
And it had% /ne minte I,d )een hating every second, the ne(t so fired # no one
cold sto# me% I,d had
my re3isite one year of gymnastics!
I cold do hands#rings and cartwheels% Bt in the #rocess of
showing them7and channeling Cass to kick their )tts7I,d gotten #icked for the
s3ad% &he rest was
.st a )lr of the s3ad hgging me and #om4#oms rstling in my face% Dina had
made it too, mostly
)ecase
half the .dges were foot)all #layers%
-I nderstand,- Boo said, #lling )ack and holding me at arm,s length% -&hese things
sometimes do that%
&hey .st7- and she looked at my niform again, )rshing her hand over the
sweater7-ha##en%-
And then, )efore I cold say anything, she s3ee;ed my arm and went down the
stairs, her clogs
thnking across the walk and into the grass%
5hen I went into my room, I held the niform # against me, trying
to #ictre myself cartwheeling
across the foot)all field% It was hard%
&here was a knock at the door% -Caitlin1- my mother called ot% -Are yo in there1-
-2eah,- I said% -Come on in%-
*he o#ened the door and stck her head in% *he,d #t on fresh li#stick
and a s3irt of Joy #erfme,
which I cold smell, .st as she did every day )efore my father was de home% *he
looked nice, )t her
face had that hollow look it had taken on since Cass left, like she was .st a shell of
her former self,
fnctioning and talking )t hardly alive% -How was school1-
-Fine%- I trned arond, still holding # the niform against me% -I made the
cheerleading s3ad%-
-Deally1- Her face )rightened and she ste##ed into my room, clas#ing her hands in
front of her% -/h,
Caitlin, that,s great< 5hy didn,t yo tell me yo were going ot for the team1-
-It .st kind of ha##ened,- I said%
*he walked right #ast where I was sitting to the chair where my niform was,
#icking it # and holding it
in front, of her% -5ell, look at that<- she said e(citedly% -It,s .st gorgeos% +ow, yo
can,t .st leave this
here, it needs to )e hng #% And this sweater looks like a good dry cleaning coldn,t
hrt it%-
-/h,- I said% -/kay%- I hadn,t seen her so e(cited a)ot anything since Cass left%
-+ow, did they tell yo what kind of shoes yo need1 And what,s the #ractice
schedle like1- *he
walked to my closet and hng # the niform, smoothing the skirt with her hand as
she did so% -I can,t
)elieve they only give yo one! we,ll have to really kee# it clean if yo have a lot of
games%- I cold see
her mind already working over this #ro)lem as she e(amined the fa)ric of the skirt,
trning it in her hand%
-&here,s a meeting tomorrow,- I said% I was starting to feel a little strange a)ot this,
now% -I think they
tell me everything then% All we got today was a game schedle,- I added, #lling it
ot of my #ocket% *he
was standing in front of me immediately, hand ot, ready to take it%
*he nfolded the #a#er, then scanned it 3ickly% -"y,- she said, -yo are going to )e
)sy% Bt we,ll
work arond it% 5e always have )efore, right1-
-:m, right,- I said% &his we thing was kind of strange, considering
I,d never )een involved in any school
teams, so far% It was like she,d forgotten I was even there%
*he was already on her way ot the door, the schedle in her hand% -I,m going to
stick this on the fridge
right now, so we,ll know when yo need to )e where% And tomorrow night, after they
tell yo what yo
need, we,ll go to the mall% /kay1 :nless they have to s#ecial4order things from a
catalog, in which case
may)e I shold .st go ahead and write yo a check to take with yo %%%-
-I don,t know,- I said 3ietly%
-5ell, I,ll .st send a )lank one with yo and that way if they are ordering yo can
go ahead and do it
right away% 2o don,t want to wait too long% :nless they all order in a gro# together
%%% 1-
-I don,t know,- I said again% "y stomach was starting to hrt%
-5ell, we,ll figre it ot later,- she said, )eaming and waving the #a#er at me )efore
she disa##eared
down the hall% I knew she was #lling the *cotch ta#e ot of the drawer )y the stove,
centering the #a#er
on the fridge in the e(act same s#ot where Cass,s soccerJstdent governmentJ$e)ate
Cl)J2ale schedle
had always )een% &he only reason I,d even tried ot was to do something different
from Cass% Bt here,
in the end, I was following her again%
I looked ot my window to Boo and *tewart,s% &hey were cooking dinner% *tewart
was #eeling carrots
and talking, while Boo stirred something on the stove with a long wooden s#oon, a
glass of wine in her
other hand% And I wished again that I was their daghter, .st once, sitting in that
kitchen eating s#icy
greens, #eeling carrots, and = .st )eing me%
/ne time, when I was a)ot eight or nine, Boo was watching me at her hose% I had
my Bar)ie
)edroomJcarrying case and was dressing
my Bar)ie for a )ig date with 6en, who was half4naked on the
floor waiting for me to find his )le velor #ants%
-*o what,s yor doll,s name1- Boo asked me%
-Bar)ie,- I said% -All their names are Bar)ie%-
-I see,- she said% -5ell, I,d think that wold get )oring, everyone having the same
name%-
I thoght a)ot this, then said, -/kay, then her name is *a)rina%-
-5ell, that,s a very nice name,- Boo said% I remem)er she was )aking )read,
kneading the dogh
)etween her thick fingers% -5hat does she do1-
-$o1- I said%
-2es%- *he fli##ed the dogh over and started in on it from the other side% -5hat
does she do1-
-*he goes ot with 6en,- I said%
-And what else1-
-*he goes to #arties,- I said slowly% -And sho##ing%-
-/h,- Boo said, nodding%
-*he can,t work1-
-*he doesn,t have to work,- I said%
-5hy not1-
-Becase she,s Bar)ie%-
-I hate to tell yo, Caitlin, )t some)ody has to make #ayments on that town hose
and the Corvette,-
Boo said cheerflly% -:nless Bar)ie has a lot of family money%-
I considered this while I #t on 6en,s #ants%
Boo started #shing the dogh into a #an, smoothing it with her hand over the to#%
-2o know what I
think, Caitlin1- Her voice was soft and nice, the way she always s#oke to me%
-5hat1-
-I think yor Bar)ie can go sho##ing, and go ot with 6en, and also have a
#rodctive and satisfying
career of her own%- *he o#ened the oven and slid in the )read #an, ad.sting its
#osition on the rack%
-Bt what can she do1- "y mother didn,t work and s#ent her time cleaning the
hose and going to 0&A%
I coldn,t imagine Bar)ie, whose most casal otfit had se3ins and go4go )oots,
doing s%ch things%
Boo came over and #lo##ed right down )eside me% I always remem)er
her )eing on my level! she,d sit
on the edge of the sand)o(, or lie across her )ed with me and Cass as we listened to
the radio%
-5ell,- she said thoghtflly, #icking # 6en and e(amining his #erfect #hysi3e%
-5hat do yo want to
do when yo grow #1-
I remem)er this moment so well! I can still see Boo sitting there on the floor, cross4
legged, holding my
6en and watching my face as she tried to make me see that )etween my mother,s
0&A and Boo,s
strange ways there was a middle grond that )egan here with my Bar)ie, *a)4rina,
and led right to me%
-5ell,- I said a)r#tly, -I want to )e in advertising%- I have no idea where this came
from%
-Advertising,- Boo re#eated, nodding% -/kay% Advertising it is% *o *a)rina has to go
to work every day,
coming # with ideas for commercials
and things like that%-
-*he works in an office,- I went on% -*ometimes she has to work late%-
-*re she does,- Boo said% -It,s hard to get ahead% Aven if yo,re Bar)ie%-
-Becase she wants to get #romoted,- I added% -*o she can #ay off the town hose%
And the Corvette%-
-8ery res#onsi)le of her,- Boo said%
-Can she )e divorced1- I asked% -And famos for her commercials
and ideas1-
-*he can )e anything,- Boo told me, and this is what I remem)er most, her freckled
face so solemn, as if
she knew she was the first to tell me% -And so can yo%-
*o now I fond myself a cheerleader, sing #om4#oms and #yramids
to forge my way into new and
n)roken territory% I wondered again what Cass wold think of me: wold she )e
disa##ointed, like
Boo, or ecstatic, like my mother% If I knew my sister, she,d )e a little of )oth%
====================================
Avery year for as long as I cold remem)er, my family and Boo and *tewart have
had an
end4of4smmer cookot to cele)rate La)or $ay% &his year, with Cass gone, I
wondered if we,d stick
with tradition
or .st let it go% It was hard to say% In the end, it was my mother who made the call%
-5ell,- she said to Boo the weekend )efore, over coffee, -I s##ose
Cassandra wold )e gone
anyway% Freshman orientation started on the third%-
As she said this, she glanced over to the fridge, where the 2ale calendar
still hng ne(t to Cass,s .nior
#rom #ictre and the grocery list% It was the one reminder of Cass,s thwarted college
#lans that she
hadn,t taken down yet%
-A(actly,- Boo said, taking another gra#e ot of the )owl in front of her and tossing
it into her moth%
-Besides, it,s )ad lck to mess with tradition% And I have a wonderfl new reci#e for
egg#lant #asta salad
that will knock yor socks off%-
"y mother smiled at this% -I s##ose I,ll make my am)rosia salad,- she said, stirring
her coffee with a
clink of her s#oon% -And Jack can handle the steaks, like always%-
-*tewart will make his famos tem#eh fa.itas,- Boo added% -5hat a)ot yo,
Caitlin1 5hat can yo
make for s1-
I thoght a)ot this: "y )iggest traditional contri)tion was sally
lighting the grill% Cass had )een
famos for her chocolate4chi# cheesecake% It was the only thing she cold make, and
it was always a
hge #rodction, involving her taking over the entire kitchen% *he,d )ang #ans,
mm)ling and crsing to
herself, )efore finally emerging with a somewhat lo#sided, always delicios dessert%
As a vegetarian dish,
it was loved all arond, nless *tewart was in a vegan cycle, which .st meant more
for the rest of s%
&he image of Cass in the kitchen with her face smeared with flor, sing a s#atla to
shoo s all ot of the
kitchen as we tried to hel# her, always sym)oli;ed7more than the #ool closing,
cooler nights, and
homework7the end of smmer
to me%
In the end, I made coleslaw! it was, after all, a smmer dish% "y mother trned on
the )g light, Boo
)roght a hge )o3et of the last of her ;innias and cosmos, and my father fli##ed
the steaks on the
#atio and drank )eer with *tewart, who had #re4cooked his fa.itas to avoid any meat4
tem#eh
interaction%
"y mother and Boo took their wineglasses and went for a stroll in the yard, already
discssing fall )l)s,
while I went inside and trned on the foot)all game for my father, who cold half4
watch it while kee#ing
an eye on his steaks% &he )gs were ot in force, and since *tewart had a
conscientios o).ection to the
)g light, he winced, as if !n #ain himself, each time it claimed another victim%
-5ell, I hear we have 3ite a team this year,- said *tewart, trying to make
conversation% He knew
nothing a)ot s#orts and had lost or res#ect years ago )y asking how many #oints a
)asket conted for
while watching the second half of an +CAA Final For Game%
-Barter)ack,s good,- my father said, #oking at a steak with a fork% -Bt the
defensive line needs hel#%
A good rshing team and we,re in tro)le%-
-Ah,- *tewart said, nodding% A )g flew into the light7);;;t<7 and he sighed%
-Dight%-
-5hat,s that score say, Caitlin1- my father asked me, s3inting throgh the #atio
door%
-I,ll go check,- I said, #icking # my Coke and going inside% -&en4seventeen%
+e)raska,s #%-
-Good,- my father said, fli##ing another steak%
I was standing in front of the &8, watching the offense get organi;ed,
when *tewart said, in a lower
voice, -Is there any news a)ot Cassandra1-
I glanced otside at my father, who didn,t even flinch at the sond of her name% 5e,d
all )een acting like
things were fine% It was .st another
La)or $ay, I was already )ack at school, Cass was at 2ale7I
mean, there was her schedle # on the fridge%
-+o,- my father said in his #ress4conference, news4sond4)ite voice% -+othing new%-
*tewart nodded, r))ing his hand over his chin% -I know this #ro)a)ly doesn,t hel#,-
he said% *tewart,
who #rided himself on Being
Flly in &och with His Amotions, was the com#lete #olar o##osite
of my
stoic father% -Bt yo know, I took Boo away from her family
when she was eighteen% 5e were .st
kids, of corse, and it was st#id, and it took years for her #arents to forgive me%-
"y father fli##ed another steak, then #shed down on it, hard, with the s#atla% A
)g flew into the )g
light, dying a lod, noisy death%
-Bt I took good care of her,- *tewart went on% -And I know that Adam is doing the
same for
Cassandra% *he,s sch a smart girl% *he woldn,t )e with anyone who,d do anything
less%-
"y father, with those nerves of steel, didn,t react to this e(ce#t )y one, solid nod%
/tside, I cold hear
my mother laghing, her and Boo,s voices getting closer%
-5ell,- my father said, glancing in again at the game as a 3arter)ack
ran down the field, dodging and
twisting, dcking and rshing,
all the way to the end ;one% -I ho#e yo,re right%-
&hey were 3iet after that, with .st the si;;le of the steaks and the )g light );;ing
every few mintes%
It was getting dark otside, and the food was almost ready% *o I went into the
kitchen, watched the sn
set, and ate am)rosia salad with my fingers at the end of this, another
smmer%
Cha#ter 9
"y making cheerleader changed my mother,s life% *he showed # at all or early
e(hi)itions and games,
wearing one of many Jackson High *chool sweatshirts and #ins, cla##ing and
cheering so lodly I cold
always hear her over anyone else% *he organi;ed or )ake sales and car washes,
#acked snack )ags fll
of a##les and Dice 6ris#ies &reats for away tri#s, and had my niform dry4cleaned
and #ressed
#rom#tly after each game% *he had finally fond something to concentrate
on that was familiar and )sy
in the strange silence of Cass )eing gone% *he was almost ha##y% And that shold
have )een enogh for
me to kee# at it%
Bt the trth was, I hated cheerleading% 5hatever ;est and #e# the other girls had
that made them
cartwheel, high kick, and smile constantly
was missing in me, like a genetic or chemical malfnction% I felt
like an im#ostor, and it showed%
Becase I was the lightest of all the girls, it was decided early on that I wold )e the
one at the to# of the
#yramid formation we did in or )ig cheers% &his also led to me )eing hated with a
#assion )y Ali;a
$rake, who )ecase of the )irth control #ill had #t on a)ot fifteen #onds over the
smmer7mostly in
her hi#s and )tt7and was s)se3ently
)m#ed to a lower, s##orting #osition% *he cold have )een
on to#, for all I cared% I was scared of heights, and clim)ing # all those )acks to )e
lifted to stand, with
someone gras#ing the )acks of my knees, made my head s#in% All I cold think
a)ot was to##ling
down, falling head over feet to crash on the gym floor .st as the marching )and
tram#led over me
#laying -Loie Loie%-
5hen I was # there, wo))ly and light4headed, I always thoght the same thing:
After this game, I 3it%
Bt then I,d look ot in the stands and see my mother )eaming # at me, waving and
wearing the same
#rod smile my father had the night Cass kicked the winning goal, )owed her head
to acce#t her
Homecoming Been crown, or stood # for hman rights on local &8% In all my life,
going for the )ron;e,
I,d never gotten a look like that )efore, and I knew if I 3it, it wold )reak her heart%
It was like I,d
somehow thrown her a lifeline,
withot even meaning to, and to let go right now meant she,d fall )ack
into missing Cass and .st drown%
Bt I was not my mother,s only new ho))y%
-5hat is this1- Dina whis#ered to me one afternoon when we sto##ed )y my hose
after school en rote
to a game% I,d forgotten my cheerleading sweater again, .st as I was always
forgetting something
crcial7reglation socks, matching #onytail holders, #om4#oms% I was learning this
s#ort had too many
accessories for my taste: It was like )eing Bar)ie%
&he this Dina was referring to was my mother,s new 8ictorian decorating
scheme, which consisted
mostly of wreaths, s#rigs of dried flowers hanging from the walls, and varios
knicknacks7thim)les, tiny
tea sets, families of glass swans7clttered on every flat srface% &he worst,
however, were the
8ictorian4era dolls she ke#t ordering from B8C, all of them with #orcelain white
skin and s#ooky eyes%
&hey came with their own stands and were sddenly .st everywhere: in the living
room )y the maga;ine
rack, on the creden;a, with a #ack of swans, and even in the gest room, where they
were lined #
across the )rea, staring )lankly at the closet% *ometimes when I coldn,t slee# Fd
think of them there,
.st staring in the dark, and shdder all the way down to my toes%
-I told yo,- I said to Dina, -my mother,s going throgh some kind of weird ada#ting
#hase%- *he was
ot, for once, #ro)a)ly )ying
more ceramic #la3es sha#ed like a##les and hoses to hang on the
walls%
-5hat1- Dina said%
I shook my head% -I don,t know%- I o#ened my )edroom door to see a 8ictorian4style
teddy )ear sitting
on my )ed% He was wearing s#ectacles, a )ow tie, and a #eriod vest% Another B8C
s#ecial%
-"an,- Dina said in a low voice, walking over and #icking it #% -Get ot the
0ro;ac%-
-*ht #,- I said, gra))ing my sweater off the chair% -Let,s .st go%-
&here really was no sto##ing my mother% Boo had tried, convincing
her to take that #ottery class at the
Commnity Arts Center on &esday nights% &he teacher was a woman artist with
dreadlocks and a
tattoo, and my mother re#orted to s in a worried tone that she did not shave her legs
or nderarms% &his
did not, however, seem to hinder
her a)ility to teach my mother how to make lo#sided )owls, ashtrays
gla;ed with smeared reds and greens, and a ri))ed tall vase for me that leaned like
the &ower of 0isa%
I trly )elieved that my mother thoght she cold re#lace Cass if she filled the hose
with enogh cltter%
Bt no matter what she )roght in there was still something missing, which led to
more swans, dolls,
s#rigs, tea sets, ashtrays% "y father sighed when he saw the :0* trck #lling away,
frowned over the
credit card )ill, and when my mother was ot or not looking, trned the dolls in the
living room to face
the wall%
-&here,s something nsettling a)ot all this staring,- he e(#lained shee#ishly when I
caght him one night,
croched )y the maga;ine )asket, frtively rearranging the dolls% He looked
em)arrassed to )e even
holding one in his arms, the *chool "arm, her )ook and slate stck to her hands
with heavy4dty wire%
-I know,- I said% Bt )y )reakfast the ne(t morning she, the mother with two
children, and the )a)y in
the christening dress were all trned )ack the right way, as if they,d done it
themselves dring the night%
"y father missed Cass, too, )t his loss was more s)tle% &hings ke#t coming from
2ale: /)viosly we
were still on the mailing list, so the #arents, newsletter and fnd4raising re3ests
arrived with reglarity%
"y mother left them on the ta)le )y the door withot comment and I,d figred my
father was throwing
them away, ntil I went into his office one day to look for a #encil shar#ener and
fond them all neatly
stacked in a drawer, envelo#es not even o#ened%
&he trth was, I was trying not to look too hard at anything% +ot at myself, the
swans, my mother
mothing the cheers along with me, the crooked ashtrays, the tired look on my
father,s face when another
2ale )lletin came in the mail% It was easier to .st float along as if slee#ing that
whole first #art of the
year, going throgh the motions and staring like one of those ghostly dolls, waiting
for something to wake
me #%
====================================
It was a game night in /cto)er, right arond Halloween% 5e were #laying or
)iggest rival, Central
High, at home, and the crowd was hge% 5e,d )een working on a )ig halftime
nm)er for a co#le of
weeks that involved not only a #yramid )t some heavy4dty dancing,
a can4can line, and a row of
s)se3ent )ackfli#s% &his was a 8ery Big $eal, at least for everyone else%
5e were # at the half, and the s3ad had gone )ack to the dressing
rooms to change into or
#r#le4se3ined to#s, which my mother, of corse, had hel#ed to design and sew%
Averyone was
nervos as we stood waiting to rn ot onto the field from the o#ening nder the
)leachers% I was cold
and convinced that I wold )low my )ackfli# as I,d done in #ractice .st the day
)efore, when I landed
with a resonding
whm# on my )ack, knocking the wind ot of myself% I .st lay there, feeling oo;y
and
strange as I stared # at the rows of retired )asket)all .erseys, flttering from the
ceiling overhead%
-2o,ll )e fine,- Dina said to me now, gras#ing my hand and s3ee;ing it% Dina, of
corse, loved
cheerleading% *he was a natral% 5e had still )een in #re4season when she started
dating the
3arter)ack,
and she was the clear crowd favorite, eliciting cheers7mostly male7.st for
walking ot
onto the field% Ali;a $rake hated her, too%
&he )and started #laying -"y Girl,- the s3ad theme song, and I knew Boo was in
the stands, her face
twisting, disgsted% &he girls in front of me )egan #syching #, .m#ing # and
down and shaking their
#om4#oms, as we all started rnning down the slo#e to #o# ot onto the field to the
cheers of the crowd%
&here was a #ack of #eo#le that was es#ecially into the cheerleaders7mostly gys,
girls who hadn,t
made the s3ad, and #arents7who were sitting right at the overhang where we came
ot, and as we ran
forward they chanted each of or names%
-Ali;a<- they yelled, and Ali;a $rake did an im#rom#t hands#ring,
showing off%
-"eredith<-
-Angela<-
-Dina<- And the crowd went wild, screaming and cheering, as Dina trned arond
and waved one
#om4#om, smiling at her #)lic%
I was the last one ot%
&he msic was lod as the cold air hit me, and I was already thinking
of my )ackfli# when I heard
someone over my head yell, -Cass<-
I sto##ed dead in my tracks, casing Caroline "iter, the mascot, to crash right into
me% I don,t know if
everyone was yelling my sister,s name: &he one voice was the only one I cold hear%
And for one
fleeting,
cra;y second I thoght she mst )e there, somewhere close, in the #laces I,d always
searched
for her in my dreams%
-Cass<- the voice yelled again, and I looked # to see a man #m#ing his fist% He
was talking to me% His
)reath was coming ot in small white #ffs% -Cass<-
-Come on,- Caroline said to me, her voice mffled nder her tiger head as she
yanked me )y my sleeve
ot onto the field% -Hrry<-
I scram)led )ehind her into formation, )t I coldn,t sto# looking at that gy as he
yelled my sister,s
name at me again and again% I was )arely aware of the dance rotine as I did it,
everything in slow
motion
as the girls s3atted and )ilt the #yramid and I clim)ed #% 5hen I stood, knees
wo))ling, the
crowd was a )lr of noise and color in front of me% It was so cold as I reached # to
toch the scar over
my eye, tracing its length and feeling my #lse there% I tilted my head )ack and
looked # at the stars! I
cold still hear Cass,s name in my head, and sddenly I felt wide awake%
&he world is s#eaking to yo every day, she,d said to me so many times% 2o .st
don,t always know
how to listen%
I was listening, then% I cold hear everything%
-Cass<- &he gy was still shoting, or may)e he wasn,t and I was only dreaming,
really dreaming now% I
closed my eyes% -Cass<-
And that is the last thing I remem)er )efore falling%
====================================
It is nothing short of a miracle that Ali;a $rake ha##ened to look # and see me
)egin to fall )ackward%
Degardless of her feelings for me, she .erked ot from nder Lindsay 5hite, who
fell and )roke her nose,
to stagger )ackward and catch me% &hose new fifteen #onds in her )tt and hi#s
most likely saved my
life%
5hen I o#ened my eyes, my ears were ringing and the first thing I saw was a circle
of cheerleaders
standing arond me in #r#le se3ins,
#om4#oms lim# at their sides% I wondered for a second if I,d died
and gone to hell%
-Caitlin1- I trned my head to see a man in a #aramedic otfit% -Can yo hear me1-
-2es,- I said, and sat #, slowly% I fond ot later I,d )een lcky enogh to fall
s3are on Ali;a, who
sffered only a )ad hi# )rise and scra#ed el)ows from catching me% I,d esca#ed
#retty mch nscathed,
other than some scratches, a )ad scra#e on my arm, and a ct on my knee that didn,t
even re3ire
stitches% "y mother, who herself had almost
#assed ot after seeing me fall, ke#t telling everyone it was
nothing
short of a miracle%
5hen Ali;a, Lindsay, and I all finally stood # to walk to the am)lance to get
)andaged #, the crowd
stood and gave s a standing
/% 5e went on to win the game )ig, )t my to##le made everything
else
anticlimactic%
-It,s a miracle,- my mother said to me again as we stood watching the am)lance
drive off, a new white
)andage wra##ed arond my knee% I,d already thanked Ali;a $rake, who was now
somewhat of a hero
and sddenly #o#lar, and a#ologi;ed to Lindsay, who was forced to wear nose
s#lints for two months
and s)se3ently kiss her teen modeling career good4)ye% "y tem#orary #yramid
insanity,
clearly, had
serios and far4flng ramifications% -Can yo imagine how )ad it cold have )een1
5hat if yo,d )een
seriosly in.red1-
-I know,- I said%
-2o,re .st so lcky,- she said again, s3ee;ing my arm% -And ne(t game, yo,ll )e
right )ack ot
there%-
Bt something had changed in me, even if I didn,t know what it was .st yet% All I
cold think was that I
felt alive for the first time since my )irthday% From wherever she was, Cass had
finally s#oken to me,
reaching ot from dreamland to where I stood in this waking world, half4aslee# and
wo))ly, nder those
)right, )right stars%
====================================
"y mother had wanted me to come right home, sre I had a concssion
or at least some )roken lim)
the #aramedics had missed, )t my father let me go to the team #arty over her
o).ections% /n the way,
me, Dina, and another cheerleader named 6elly Brandt sto##ed at the car wash to
vacm ot 6elly,s
Camaro% &he car was trashed! the night )efore her )oyfriend, a tail)ack named Chad,
had gotten sick in
the )ackseat% *he,d done the )est she cold with towels and Lysol s#ray, )t at the
car wash we had to
get down to )siness%
-&his is so disgsting,- 6elly said )etween clenched teeth, wi#ing the seat with the
towel% As she did so
she s#rayed a clod of Lysol arond her head, to )alance ot the smell% 6elly was a
nice girl, kind of a
mother hen, and had taken me and Dina on to show s the ro#es since she had a year
over s and
therefore some kind of s3ad seniority%
*he looked ot at me and Dina where we were sitting )y the vacm
station, smoking cigarettes% I
didn,t sally, )t after the game everyone had )een #ressing arond me, talking
a)ot my fall, and I
needed something to calm me down% I still felt strange, as if everything
was crackling and alive all arond
me% 6elly said, -I can,t )elieve
yo,re not even hel#ing me%-
-Chad,s yor )oyfriend,- Dina #ointed ot% -If he was mine, I,d )e on #ke #atrol%-
-Fnny,- 6elly growled% *he hit the Lysol again, the smell wafting ot into the cold
air% 5e were all still
in or cheerleading niforms and the ct on my leg was thro))ing a )it nder my
)andage% &he car wash
was deserted%
-2o know he,s .st going to do it again,- Dina said to 6elly, )lowing ot a hge
clod of smoke% *he
tossed her hair, drawing ot one crl to ins#ect the ends% -I don,t even see why yo,re
)othering%-
-Becase it stinks,- 6elly sna##ed% -And he,s not going to do it again%-
-5hatever,- Dina said% *he was in a hrry to get to the #arty and Bill *kerrit, the
3arter)ack, a short
little gy, all #ointy and #ockmarked,
)t whenever I asked her what she saw in him she .st smiled and
shook her head%
-2o,ll see someday,- she,d say, and I,d look at Bill again and wonder what she
meant% *he,d s#ent all
week #shing me together in the cortyard and on the )s with "ike Avans, a
rnning )ack who was tall
and a little do#ey with #retty )le eyes% 5e were meeting him and Bill at the #arty
and I was nder stern
instrctions to acce#t his letter .acket7which wold signify that we were now
officially dating after the
#ast co#le of weeks of flirting7if it was offered to me%
&here was another s#rt of Lysol from inside the car and 6elly said, -Hey, Caitlin,
gra) that dollar ot of
the ashtray and go get some 3arters, okay1-
-/kay%- I ho##ed down and reached into the car for the money, then walked down
#ast the washing
)ays to the change machine% &here were no other cars e(ce#t a B"5 converti)le, at
the very end% It
was )lack and #arked crooked, with the to# down%
I #t the dollar in the machine and for 3arters clanked ot into my hand% As I
trned arond to walk
)ack, my )reath cloding ot arond my face in the cold, I got my first look at
Dogerson Biscoe%
He was standing ne(t to the )lack B"5, arms crossed, looking down at the car% He
was in a
short4sleeved shirt with a kind of tri)al #rint, and old khaki #ants with worn cffs%
His hair was )rown, a
mass of crls thick enogh that they were almost like dreadlocks, and he had a dark,
kind of olive
com#le(ion% He wore a leather cord necklace
arond his neck and #enny loafers with no socks on his
feet% He didn,t look like Bill *kerrit or the rest of the gys I knew% He didn,t look like
any)ody%
As I #assed he looked # and watched me, staring%
-Hey,- he called ot .st as I #assed ot of sight% Arond the corner
Dina was talking, her voice high
and light, and I cold smell Lysol%
I took a few ste#s )ack and sddenly he was right there! he,d moved to catch # with
me% :# close I
cold see his eyes were a dee# green% I reali;ed I was staring )t somehow I coldn,t
sto#%
-2o got change for a ten1- he said sddenly, holding # a )ill folded )etween two
fingers%
-:h, no,- I said% -I don,t think so%-
He smiled, then looked me # and down% *ddenly I knew I looked idiotic in my
cheerleading niform,
not to mention the se3ined to#: I felt )right and tacky enogh to e(#lode% -+ice
otfit,- he said% I
coldn,t tell if he was .oking%
-/h,- I said, looking down% -2eah, well%-
He glanced at the )andage on my ##er arm, then asked, -5hat ha##ened to yo
there1-
-Caitlin<- I heard 6elly shot% -5here are yo1-
-I,m coming,- I called )ack, then said to him, -I fell off a #yramid earlier tonight%-
-/ch,- he said, and )efore I cold even move he reached ot and toched my
)andage, rnning a
finger across it% &hen he looked # at me and said, -2o okay1-
-I%%% I don,t know,- I said% &his was strangely tre at that moment%
-Caitlin, we,re going to miss the whole #arty7- I heard Dina saying sddenly
)ehind me, her voice
growing loder as she im#atiently ronded the corner, her cheerleading sneakers
s3eaking against the
#avement% I trned arond and she sto##ed sddenly, staring%
-I,m coming,- I said 3ickly% I glanced )ack at the strange gy in front of me and he
was smiling, his
green eyes almost glittering%
-/kay,- she said .st as fast, and I heard her )acking away arond the corner%
-I shold go,- I said, )t it was like someone else was talking% "y head felt f;;y
and strange, and I
wondered if may)e I had whacked it on the way down%
-*re,- he said nodding% -*ee ya arond, Caitlin%- And he raised his chin, )acking
#, kee#ing his eyes
on me%
I stood there, my )reath cloding ot arond my face, as a #olice car raced )y on the
road facing s, the
siren screaming%
-5ait,- I said, and he sto##ed% His hands were in his #ockets% -2o didn,t tell me
yor name%-
-Dogerson,- he said, and then he trned his )ack and walked away, leaving me to
stand there and watch
him go%
5hen I came )ack arond the corner Dina and 6elly were )oth right there waiting
for me, identical in
their letter .ackets, stom#ing their feet to kee# warm% I walked straight to the car and
clim)ed into the
)ackseat while they tm)led in )ehind me, already asking 3estions%
-5ho was that1- Dina said% &he smell of Lysol, #ngent, was hanging all arond s
in a )ig clod% -I
know he doesn,t go to Jackson%
I wold remem)er him%-
-I didn,t even get to look at him,- 6elly com#lained%
-&oo )ad for yo% He is hot,- Dina told her, and there was that smile again, sly and
clever%
-His name,s Dogerson,- I said% Jst saying it felt weird, like I sddenly
knew him or something%
-Dogerson,- Dina re#eated, trying it ot% -&hat,s se(y%-
-2o think everything,s se(y,- 6elly said in a flat voice% &o me she added, -$o yo
have my 3arters1-
I was sr#rised to find that I did: &hey were cltched in my hand% *he held ot her
#alm and I dro##ed
them into it, one )y one% *he said, -I gess I,ll .st ski# the vacm%-
-0lease do,- Dina said, settling into her seat and crossing her legs% *he fli##ed down
the vanity mirror
and checked her face% -5e,re late as it is%-
6elly started the engine and #lled arond the vacm station, rolling down her
window% As we ct
throgh one of the )ays to trn )ack to the road, we #assed him again, standing )y
his car, hosing it
down, the water steaming in the cold% I took it all in again: the crly dreadlocked
hair, the )right #rinted
shirt, the cord arond his neck% Here I was, on the way to a #arty where, if
everything went according
to Dina,s well4laid #lans, I cold go home with "ike Avans,s letter
.acket, all mine% Bt now, something
was different%
-Is that him1- 6elly asked, whis#ering% 5e were all staring as we #assed him,
slowly, like torists at a
wildlife #ark watching ele#hants from the safety of their station wagon% He lifted his
head, seeing s, and
looked right )ack, still hosing off his car%
-2e#,- Dina said% -Isn,t he something1-
-He looks like a drg dealer,- 6elly said% *he was kind of #tight, the mother of the
cheerleading s3ad%
Any man not wearing a letter .acket was dangeros, in her o#inion%
-He,s got that wild look,- Dina said in a low voice%
-2es, he does,- 6elly agreed, like it was a )ad thing% &hen she said, -$oes it still
smell )ack there,
Caitlin1-
Dogerson was still watching s, as if the sight of a earfl of girls ogling him did not
fa;e him in the least% I
wanted to think he was only looking at me, )t I coldn,t )e sre%
-+o,- I answered her softly, as we ronded the )ays and #lled onto the road% &hen I
trned in my seat
and watched this Dogerson disa##ear, car length )y car length, ot of sight%
====================================
-Looks like we didn,t miss mch,- Dina said as we came into the #arty% "ost of the
foot)all team was in
the dining room, )oncing 3arters off what looked like an anti3e ta)le% In the
living room "elissa
Coo#er, school slt, was already making ot with $onald &eller, who,d thrown the
winning #ass that
night% Averyone was looking
at me, #atting me on the )ack as I #assed, and making .okes a)ot my fall%
I felt #rickly and strange, and each hand that toched me seemed heavy and hot
against my skin%
-Chad<- I heard 6elly yell from )ehind me, and then she was off like a shot down
the hallway to the
kitchen% Chad was sitting on the floor, # against the refrigerator, a )eer cltched in
his hands% He looked
like he was aslee#% *he knelt down )eside him and made sre he was )reathing, then
#lled him to his
feet% 6elly was what I later learned was called co4de#endent%
-&here,s "ike,- Dina whis#ered, #oking me in the side% I looked over to the dining
room, where "ike
was sitting and watching s% He waved, smiling, in his letter .acket% "ike was a nice
gy )t very, very
)land% Like a )ig saltine cracker%
-Come on,- Dina said, taking my hand and #lling me )ehind her into the dining
room, where Bill *kerrit
was at the head of the ta)le%
-&here yo are<- he said, and she immediately sat down in his la# and took a swig of
his )eer, while his
hands moved easily arond her waist%
-Give me that 3arter,- she called ot, wriggling in his la#% "ike, on the end, slid it
across to her%
-&hat,s my girl,- Bill said%
-Caitlin,- Dina said in a low voice, and when I looked at her she cocked her head
very o)viosly toward
"ike% -Go on%-
And so I did, working my way arond the ta)le, s3ee;ing #ast chairs and )odies to
sit in the chair ne(t
to him%
-Hi,- I said%
-Hi%- He smiled and lay his hand loosely along the )ack of my chair% &his was all
arranged% I had learned
there was no room for chaos theory or chance in the careflly choreogra#hed world
of .ock love%
I sat there with "ike, )t I still felt strange% Like every inch of me was alert, on
gard, ready for what
might ha##en ne(t%
By the time Dogerson a##eared in the o#en doorway of the dining room it was like
I,d )een waiting for
him, wasn,t even really sr#rised to see him standing there in the ne(t room, hands
in his #ockets% I had
this cra;y thoght that he,d come for me%
-Hey, Bill,- one of the rnning )acks, Jeremy Light, called ot% -*omeone here to
see yo%-
Bill *kerrit trned arond, with Dina still in his la#% -/h, hey, man% Hold on%-
5e were all looking at Dogerson% And as he scanned the room, all of Jackson High,s
)est and )rightest,
he saw me%
-5ho is that1- "ike Avans asked me, and withot even really reali;ing
it, I #lled ot from nder his
arm, one 3ick movement, costing
him all the #rogress he,d slowly attained in the last thirty mintes%
-I don,t know,- I said% -A(cse me%- And I stood # and s3ee;ed )ack arond the
ta)le, then #shed
my way into the kitchen% It was littered with )eer cans and em#ty Bd twelve4#acks%
&here was a small,
scared4looking dog on a )le )lanket in the corner who looked #, distressed, #on
seeing me%
I walked across the kitchen toward the )athroom, and as I #assed the hallway that
led to the front door
I saw Bill *kerrit, 3arter)ack, handing a few folded )ills over to Dogerson, who
handed him something
)ack in retrn% &hen they .st stood there, )y the door, talking, )efore Bill trned
)ack to the dining
room% Dogerson #t the money in his #ocket and trned to the door, #shing it o#en%
-Caitlin1- I looked at the door to the dining room and saw "ike Avans standing
there, )eer in hand%
-5hat,s wrong1-
-+othing,- I said 3ickly, and as I s#oke Dogerson trned )ack from the o#en door,
seeing me% -I was,
m, cold%-
-Cold1- "ike looked arond the room, as if he might see something
to corro)orate this, like icicles or
#engins%
-2eah,- I said% I glanced )ack at Dogerson% -&he door,s o#en%-
-/h%- 5e faced off across the shiny tiled floor as the tiny dog made a s3eaking
noise and lay )ack
down, closing its eyes% -5ell,- "ike said, -yo can have this%-
And with that, he slid off his letter .acket, holding it ot to me like an offering% And I
stood there, fro;en%
From the o#en front door, Dogerson was watching me%
I looked over at him% -Hey,- he mothed sondlessly, smiling that wicked smile
again% -Come on%-
"ike was still holding the .acket ot to me, and now he started to come closer% &his
was a Big $eal% It
meant we were together, that I was his girl, and wold lead to Homecoming $ances
and #roms and a
hndred *atrday nights, a )ig class ring on a chain arond my neck% I knew this% I,d
seen Cass do it all
)efore%
-Here,- he said, holding the .acket # so that I cold slide right in% He shook it a
little )it, encoraging
me, and then said, -Go ahead%-
I glanced )ack at Dogerson% He lifted his chin at me, smiling% It was a gestre I
wold associate with him
for the rest of my life% And I saw myself, then, setting ot across ncharted territory,
#laces Cass had
never )een or seen or even heard of% "y world was sddenly wide and limitless, as
vast as the sky and
stars I,d )een da;;led )y earlier,
and it all started there with the door he was holding o#en for me%
-I,m sorry,- I said to "ike Avans and his .acket as I walked down the hallway to
where Dogerson was
standing, ready to hel# me along as I ste##ed #ast him and into the night%
====================================
As I walked down the front walk with Dogerson, across the yard to his car, I had no
idea what I was
doing% I knew that )ack inside the hose Dina was #ro)a)ly mad at me for thwarting
her #lans, and "ike
Avans had most likely already #t his .acket )ack on and re#orted
to everyone that in my fall I,d
whacked my head and was now, clearly, insane%
-*o,- Dogerson said to me% He seemed to )e laghing at me, or so I thoght, and
sddenly I felt
com#letely idiotic% He leaned against his car and said, -5hat now1-
I stood there in the cold, in my little skirt, my hair #lled )ack in matching school4
color )arrettes% And I
thoght of Dina, the only woman I knew who always told men e(actly what she
wanted%
*o I tossed my head the way she did and said, -Give me a ride home1-
-/kay,- he said% And he got in the car and nlocked my door% He didn,t know who I
was% He didn,t
know a)ot Cass or anything a)ot my entire life # to that very second% I cold
have )een any)ody,
and it made everything #ossi)le%
-5here we going1- he asked me as he started the car% As he reached to shift into
reverse, his hand
)rshed against my knee and, instead of #lling away, I moved closer%
-Lakeview,- I said, and he nodded, reaching forward to trn # the stereo% 5e didn,t
talk the whole way
there%
He #arked a ways down from my hose and ct the engine, then trned and looked
at me%
-*o,- he said evenly% -2o regret that yet1-
-Degret what1- I said%
-Leaving )ack there,- he said% -Looked like some)ody had #lans for yo%-
I thoght of "ike Avans, holding ot his .acket, and the )landness of his face, #lain
#lain #lain%
-He had #lans,- I said% -Bt they weren,t really a)ot me%-
He nodded, looking down to rn his finger along the )ottom arc of the steering
wheel% -I knew yo were
tro)le,- he said in a low voice% -Cold tell .st )y looking at yo%-
-"e1- I said% -Look who,s talking%-
He raised his eye)rows% -5hat,s that s##osed to mean1-
-/h, yo know,- I said% -2o,ve got that whole thing going % %% the car, the hair%-
-&he hair1- he said, reaching # to toch one dreadlock% -5hat a)ot it1-
-/h, come on,- I said% -2o know%-
He shook his head, smiling% -5hatever,- he said% -5hatever yo say%-
I got the feeling he was waiting for me to leave: /f corse he was% I was .st some
dinky cheerleader,
entertaining for a minte or two, )t now he was ready to move on to other things%
Bt I didn,t want to
leave, .st yet% It was like )eing in a long, dark corridor and having someone crack a
door, .st for a
second, and let a slant of light #eek throgh% For one instant, I cold have )een
anyone else%
Bt now, sitting in front of my neigh)or,s hose, with all the landmarks7
fire hydrants, streetlights,
sidewalk #avement I,d #layed a million ho#scotch games across7I was 3ickly
)ecoming .st me again,
#lain and sim#le%
He was leaning )ack in his seat, eyes on the dim green glow of the dash)oard%
5aiting, I knew, for me
to leave% I had my hand on the door handle, ready to sli# ot, when he said,
-Caitlin1-
I trned to look )ack at him: his green eyes, wild hair, so foreign and strange, a
million miles from "ike
Avans and the defensive line% And I cold nderstand why Cass had rolled arond
the )ed, so giddy and
st#id, saying good night a hndred different ways .st to kee# that voice there, one
more second%
-2es1- I said, and )efore the word even flly left my moth he was leaning forward,
one hand rising to
)rsh )ack my hair, and kissing me%
5e made ot for thirty mintes in front of the Dichmonds, mail)o(,
#arked )ehind their )le Astrovan%
&here was something es#ecially
wicked a)ot this setting% I reali;ed as he strggled to nhook my )ra
that I didn,t even know his whole name and this, sddenly, seemed wrong%
-5hat,s yor last name1- I said, coming # for air somewhere near his left ear%
-Biscoe,- he said, still working the clas#%
-/h,- I said%
Jst then a shadow #assed over the car, and we )oth fro;e% It was "r% Carna)y, from
down the street,
with his so4old4it4was4almost4dead Irish setter, ot for a late night walk% &hey were
a)ot to go right )y
s%
Dogerson reached down ne(t to my seat, gra))ed the reclining lever, and in a s#lit
second we dro##ed
3ickly together ot of sight, whm#% I looked # into his face, those green eyes,
and felt something all
the way down to my toes%
-Dogerson Biscoe,- he said, right into my ear, and then I went nder
again%
At some #oint I saw on the little digital clock on the dash that it was #ast midnight,
my crfew% -I have to
go,- I said, )ttoning my shirt so fast I forgot to #t )ack on my )ra, which I stck in
the #ocket of my
cheerleader .acket% /ne tm)le off the #yramid and look how far I,d fallen%
-Go where1- he said% His li#s were right on my cheek, salty and cool%
-Home%- I )rshed my fingers throgh my hair% -I have to )e in )y midnight%-
-It,s only five after,- he said%
-I know% I,m late%-
He leaned in and kissed me again, a good long one, then ke#t his hand on my knee
as he drove # the
street, trned arond at the #ool, and ct )ack toward my hose%
He slowed down in front of my hose, idling the engine%
-5ell,- I said% -I,m going now%-
-*o yo said,- he re#lied%
I o#ened my door and got ot, noticing the light ne(t to my father,s
chair, )y the window, was still on%
-Bye,- I said, walking arond the front of the car, wondering if I,d ever see him
again or if he .st crised
the conty, sedcing cheerleaders
on some eternal 3est, o)sessed with letter sweaters and #om#oms%
It was a fll moon as I walked # my front ste#s, )ra in my #ocket% In less than
seven hors my entire
life had shifted and changed, starting
with that man yelling Cass,s name and ending here, as I listened to
Dogerson Biscoe start his car and rm)le slowly down the street% It was like it had
all ha##ened to
someone else, )t each thing, each kiss and thoght, were strangely mine% He )ee#ed
the horn, once, and
I trned )ack to watch as he hit the gas, taillights growing dimmer as he #icked #
s#eed over the )ridge,
to the highway%
/nce inside, I washed my face, #t on my #a.amas, and crawled into )ed, reaching
nder the mattress
to #ll ot the dream .ornal% I fli##ed to the first #age again, where I,d only written
that one sentence,
and looked at the )lank lines ahead of me%
I wrote as if Cass wold someday read it, telling her everything that had ha##ened,
from start to finish%
Her name, my fall, Dogerson, the fll moon, and what I,d done% 5hen I was
finished, I,d filled # for
#ages, my hand cram#ing as I sht the )ook and slid it )ack nder
my mattress, holding all my secrets
in%
I trned ot my light and .st lay there, seeing Dogerson,s glittering
green eyes in my head% For once, I
didn,t think a)ot dreamland and finding Cass there% And as I drifted off, I heard
*tewart,s )ike )rakes
s3ealing as they came closer, and knew withot looking that he was drifting down
the slo#e of the yard,
faster and faster, )efore dcking the clothesline one more time to ease into home,
safe%
Cha#ter K
Dogerson didn,t get in toch with me the ne(t day, or the day after,
or even the day after that% &he first
two days I slked, eating mlti#le
Clark )ars and lying on my )ed stdying the ceiling% I,d felt so
different in .st the short time I,d s#ent with him, like I,d finally ste##ed ot of not
only Cass,s shadow )t
my own as well% It was a letdown to .st )e the old me again%
By day three, however, something else ha##ened to make me forget
a)ot him, at least tem#orarily%
It was after school, one day when I didn,t have #ractice, and I was sitting in the
living room with the &8
on, half watching it while half reading the two cha#ters I,d )een assigned for *ocial
*tdies% I was fli##ing
)etween a movie, an after4school s#ecial a)ot the #erils of steroid se, and "&8,
when I somehow
landed on the Lamont 5hi##er *how% &he to#ic was -2o,re &oo Fat to Be All
&hat<- and at some
#oint one woman )egan yelling, every other word )lee#ed ot )t .st )arely% I
looked # at the noise,
ready to change )ack to the steroid show, and saw my sister%
*he was standing off to the side, )y the edge of the adience, holding
a cli#)oard # against her chest,
a #en tcked )ehind her ear% &he Lamont 5hi##er *how was famosly low4)dget,
and yo often cold
see different staff mem)ers standing arond, watching and conferring7
it added to the real &8,
no4holds4)arred image% +ow the woman onstage, who was short and redheaded, was
.a))ing a finger in
her sister,s face, telling her off, and in the )ackgrond Cass was watching intently,
reaching )ack at one
#oint to )rsh her hair away from her face%
I .m#ed ot of my chair, sending my )ook flying, and leaned in closer to the &8,
.st so I cold see her%
*he looked the same, althogh her hair might have )een shorter% Her nails were
#ainted and she was
wearing a )lack trtleneck she,d )orrowed from my closet and never retrned% It was
fnny how I,d
forgotten a)ot that, ntil now%
-Caitlin1- I heard my mother from )ehind me: *he was coming # the hallway% -Can
yo trn that down,
#lease1 All that yelling7-
And then she .st sto##ed, in mid4sentence, and as I trned arond I saw her hand
fly to her moth, her
face shocked%
-/h, my God,- she said in a low voice, coming closer and leaning into the &8, where
we cold still see
Cass standing there, now .otting something on her cli#)oard and nodding as a )ig
gy in head#hones said
something in her ear%
/n4screen, the woman,s sister was yelling, -If yo,d treated him )etter he woldn,t
have come looking
for anything from me<- &his was re)tted )y a long series of )ee#s, #nctated only
)y the adience
making oooohhhhh noises%
-It,s her,- my mother said, and on4screen my sister smiled, laghing
at something the gy ne(t to her
said, and hgged the cli#)oard )ack # to her chest% -Look at her% It,s Cassandra%-
-I know,- I said%
-Look at that,- she said softly, kneeling down in front of the &8, her face .st inches
from it% Cass
)rshed her hair ot of her face again, twisting one strand arond a finger, and my
mother,s face
crm#led%
-/h, my God,- she said, and as I watched she reached ot one hand and #ressed it
against the &8
screen, rnning her own finger across Cass,s face% Cass, naware, half4smiled%
-"om,- I said, and I was almost sorry now she,d seen it, she looked so #athetic
croched there,
reaching ot, with one of those hollow4eyed dolls7the *nday *chool &eacher,
a##le and Bi)le in
hand7watching from )eside the maga;ine rack%
Jst then the sisters disa##eared from the screen, as did Cass, re#laced
)y Lamont 5hi##et,s )ig face%
-Coming # ne(t: Jdy and &amara,s older sister, who has a secret a)ot one of their
hs)ands to share
with them7and with s< *tay tned<-
A $o)lemint commercial came on )t my mother remained croched there, hand
on the screen, as if
she cold still see Cass in front of her, close enogh to toch%
-*he,s okay,- she said softly% I wasn,t even sre she was talking to me% -*he,s alive%-
-/f corse she is,- I said% -*he,s fine%-
*he let her hand cho# then, and sat )ack on her heels, wi#ing at her eyes% -I .st am
so glad %%% she,s
okay% *he,s okay%-
5e sat there and watched the rest of the show, catching glim#ses of Cass again and
again, )t never for
as long% &he third sister confessed
to affairs with )oth hs)ands, which reslted in a fll4ot )rawl dring
which we got to see Adam, who )onded onstage to )reak things #% "y mother
seemed horrified )y
this kind of )ehavior
that went against everything she )elieved in7)t she ke#t her eyes gled to the
set% I had a feeling the Lamont 5hi##er *how wold now )ecome reglar viewing
in or hose%
5hen my father came home, she told him everything% He nodded, looking tired, then
went to his stdy
and sht the door% "y mother watched him go, then walked to the kitchen and
#icked # the #hone,
drawing ot the list of nm)ers they,d called that first day Cass was gone and
finding the one for the
show%
-2es, I watched yor #rogram today,- she said in her )est Jnior Leage voice when
someone
answered, -and %%% and what1 /h, yes, it was very good% Antertaining% Bt I,m trying
to reach one of yor
staff mem)ers, and I was wondering %%% oh, I nderstand% /f corse% Bt cold yo
give her a message,
#lease1 It,s kind of im#ortant%-
"y father came ot of his stdy, took off his reading glasses, and tcked them in his
front #ocket% I
thoght a)ot all those 2ale )lletins
stck in his stdy drawer, and how he mst feel to know Cass was
working at a trash talk show, fining # angry confrontations and shocking
confessions%
-Her name is Cassandra /,6oren,- my mother said, and now her voice didn,t sond
so strong% "y
father trned and watched her as she s#oke, and I reali;ed I was holding my )reath%
All I cold see was
my mother in front of the &8, one hand reaching ot to toch Cass,s face, any way7
the only way7she
cold% -And #lease .st tell her, wold yo, that her family loves and misses her,
very mch% &hank yo%-
====================================
After my first night with him, I e(#ected Dogerson to show # at another game, or a
#arty, or even .st
drive #ast my hose slowly enogh to draw me to the window or otside% He didn,t%
First, I was
sr#rised, then sad, then really, really #issed off% Dina said these #hases were
normal, even docmented%
*he shared endless Clark )ars with me, seeing me throgh what she called &he
Cycle of Decovery% I had
.st cleared Letting Go and "oving /n when I saw him again%
&he cheerleading s3ad was at the *enior Center for an event called *enior $ays,
which consisted of
different commnity gro#s #erforming and teaching everything from )allroom
dancing to lanyard making%
5e were on hand to do one of or dance rotines, as well as fill in the ga#s while
other gro#s moved on
and off the stage% It was ten in the morning and we,d had a )ig game the night
)efore% I had a sore )ack
from ad.sting to my new #osition at the mid#oint in the #yramid, Dina had a
hangover, and 6elly Brandt
and Chad had )roken #7again7a)ot seven hors earlier% Clearly, we were not at
or )est%
-I think they hate s,- Dina whis#ered to me as we did or shimmy4shake nm)er to
-"y Girl,- with
rows and rows of elderly #eo#le sitting in folding chairs in front of s% &hey were
watching in a #olite, if
somewhat )ored fashion: *ome had their hands over their ears to )lock ot or
msic% 6elly was
sniffling, wi#ing her eyes dring
her hands#ring rn, and "elinda &rdale had somehow missed or
dance coach,s advice to -tone things down a )it- and was doing her normal gyrating
and hi#4sna##ing
right # front, mch to the horror of a frail woman with an o(ygen tank in the front
row who was trying to
knit some )ooties%
-I don,t care,- I said to Dina, and this #retty mch smmed # everything I,d )een
feeling in the last
week% I,d )egn to wonder if I really had dreamed everything that had ha##ened with
Dogerson% &hat
whole Friday )efore seemed nreal now% And it cold have )een, e(ce#t for the
fallot I was sffering
for re.ecting "ike Avans% Dina had only )een #set with me for a)ot five mintes,
)t "ike had )een
alternately glaring or slking at me all week% +ot that I cared that mch, )eing that I
was doing mch of
the same, feeling chea# and lost and na)le to forget kissing Dogerson for all that
time in his car, even as
I tried to%
5e finished or nm)er and got a #attering of #olite a##lase as we ran off the
stage, yelling and
high4kicking% A man with a )eard, )arefoot and carrying a #illow, took the stage after
s%
I cold see *tewart and Boo in the )ack of the room% &hey were teaching an art
worksho# involving
frit and #ersonal e(#erience in another #art of the )ilding% "y mother was there
too, with the Jnior
Leage, assem)ling snacks and #nch in the )ack kitchen% *he,d )een so
#reocc#ied catching every
airing of the Lamont 5hi##er *how7which was on daily at eleven, three, and ten at
night on varios
channels7she hadn,t even noticed anything different a)ot me this last week% *he,d
only seen Cass on
one more show, )t still she sat throgh all the catfights and cssing, waiting for
another glim#se%
-Hello, everyone,- the man with the )eard and #illow said softly into the
micro#hone% -"y name is
5ade, and I want everyone to take a dee#, cleansing )reath, )ecase for the ne(t half
hor, we,re all
going
to get a little closer to orselves%-
After "elinda, the knitting woman in the front row had o)viosly had enogh of
anyone getting close to
themselves% *he #icked # her )ag and her )ooties, and wheeled her o(ygen tank
right on ot of there%
5ade, at the micro#hone, didn,t seem to notice% -I,m an artist, a writer, a dancer, and
a srvivor, and I
want to show yo even the smallest movement can s#r ha##iness and healing%-
-/h, Jess,- Dina said in a flat voice, reaching # to ad.st her )ra stra#% -I,m going
otside for a
cigarette%-
-I,m right )ehind yo,- Ali;a $rake said, #lling her #ack ot of her #rse%
-2o coming1- Dina asked me%
-In a minte,- I said% /nstage, 5ade had taken his #illow and sat down, folding his
legs in the #osition I
recogni;ed from Boo,s )iweekly
garden meditation% &he crowd was thinning ot, slowly, chairs rattling
as #eo#le headed )ack to the snack area, where I cold see my mother #oring
#nch into little )le
c#s%
-+ow, the first thing I want everyone to do,- -5ade was saying into the micro#hone,
-is to take a )reath
and hold yor arms over yor head, like this%-
I watched as a few senior citi;ens followed his lead: Boo and *tewart,s
arms shot straight #, and they
)oth had their eyes closed% Beyond
the hge windows on the other side of the room I cold see Dina
and Ali;a sitting )y the fontain otside, smoking, ta##ing their ash mto the water
)ehind them%
I went )ack to the #nch area, where my mother was handing ot c#s and cookies%
-Hi, honey,- she said to me% Her face was flshed and she was smiling% "y mother
liked nothing more
than a nice #ro.ect to lose herself in% *he,d )een )aking cookies and )rownies all
week for *enior
$ays,
as well as coordinating thirty other Jnior Leagers for everything from decorations
to schedling% -$o
me a favor1- she asked me%
-*re,- I said, as an elderly woman with a walker )m#ed me ot of the way to gra)
a cookie%
-Go )ack in the kitchen and )ring ot another tray of these, wold yo1 5e,ve got
some kids hel#ing
ot )ack there% &hey can show yo where they are%-
-/kay%-
-5onderfl,- she said, already having moved on to a gro# of older men who were
strggling to o#en a
container of .ice% -Let me get that for yo %%% here yo go< And hel# yorself to a
cookie% 5e,ve got
chocolate chi#, lemon dro#, #ecan %%%-
As I walked throgh the o#en kitchen door, I saw the room was em#ty, save for a
gy stacking cookies
onto a )ig #latter on the far conterto#% &he room was very )right, with florescent
lights and clean,
white floors and walls, and I fond myself s3inting as I crossed over to where he
was standing% /tside,
in the main room, I cold still hear 5ade talking! he was saying something a)ot
freedom of movement%
-A(cse me,- I said, and I remem)er thinking there was something a)ot this #erson
that was familiar,
even )efore he trned arond, -I,m s##osed to7-
It was Dogerson% He wore .eans and a white &4shirt, his hair #lled )ack at his neck,
and seeing him in
sch )right light was startling, and made him sddenly real% He didn,t seem sr#rised
to see me at all, .st
leveling me with a look and smiling slightly%
/tside, 5ade was directing everyone to )reathe and do a #ersonal
movement, something
s#ontaneos% -2o .st might sr#rise yorself,- he said%
Dogerson #t a cookie on the tray% -*##osed to what1- he said, and there was that
look again, half
mocking me, and I felt woo;y nder
all those lights, like I might fall down%
-Get those,- I said, #ointing to the tray, which he #icked # and handed to me% I
trned arond and
started for the door, feeling him watching me as I walked away%
-Demem)er to )reathe,- 5ade was saying from the stage, his voice low and
soothing%
I trned arond and Dogerson was still there% He raised his eye)rows%
-*o,- I said, -were yo, like, not even going to call me1-
He looked sr#rised% -I didn,t know yor last name%-
-2o know where I live,- I said%
-2eah,- he said, sticking his hands in his #ockets% He dcked his head and a few
dreadlocks sli##ed and
fell over his forehead% &hen he looked # and said, -I was working on that%-
-Deally%-
-2e#,- he said, leaning )ack against the conter% &here was something
a)ot the way he moved, slowly
and deli)erately, that drove me cra;y% -Deally%-
I .st shook my head and walked )ack ot to the #nch ta)le, where my mother,
e(as#erated, yanked
the tray ot of my hand, knocking a few #ecan cookies to the floor% -5ell, it,s a)ot
time,- she said as
she #t it on the ta)le, and hands immediately )egan gra))ing%
Bt I was already trning )ack to the kitchen, walking throgh to find Dogerson
standing .st where I,d
left him, as if he,d known I,d )e )ack and was waiting for me%
-Let it go,- 5ade was saying, and I cold still see him in my head, fingers toching,
as I walked across
that )right kitchen% -/#en # yor mind and find yorself there%-
I stood in front of Dogerson and looked into his green eyes% He smiled at me%
-I can,t )elieve yo,- I said to him%
-It,s the hair,- he e(#lained%
I shook my head% -5hat are yo doing here, anyway1-
He slid his hands arond my waist, his fingers sliding # to toch my )ack .st
where I,d hrt it in
#yramid dty the night )efore% -It,s a long story,- he said% -2o really want to hear
it1-
And I didn,t at that moment, not really% /nstage )ehind me 5ade was still talking,
reminding me to
)reathe, )reathe, o#en # and )e free, and all the other nonsense words, so it was his
voice I heard, and
none of the others in my own head, as Dogerson leaned in and kissed me and I let
go, closing my eyes
and )reathing all the way%
Cha#ter L
-Caitlin,- my mother said that night, as I waited for Dogerson to #ick me #% -I,m
.st not sre a)ot
this%-
I was standing at the to# of the stairs, looking ot the front window
from which I cold see the sto#light
that led into Lakeview% 5ith the leaves off the trees, I cold see its colors clearly,
and each time it trned
green I held my )reath and waited for him to slide into sight on the other side of or
glass storm door%
"y father, in his chair, #t down the #a#er and looked at me% -A)ot what1- he said%
"y mother walked across the room and ad.sted her newest 8ictorian
doll, the *ho#kee#er, a short,
#ortly man carrying what looked like a sack of flor% -Caitlin met this )oy today,-
she )egan, smoothing
her fingers over the doll,s shiny )alding head, -and now she,s going
ot with him%-
&he light changed again, this time to red% I looked at my watch: 3arter of seven%
He,d said seven, )t I,d
)een ready since five4thirty%
-5ho is he1- my father asked%
-Dogerson Biscoe,s son,- she said, dro##ing her hand from the *ho#kee#er and
reaching to move the
milk #itcher in the tiny tea set sitting on the end ta)le%
-&he one that was the standot #oint gard, or the other one1- my father said%
I watched as the light dro##ed from red to green again%
-&he other one,- my mother said 3ietly%
-/h,- my father re#lied%
I didn,t even )other to trn arond and defend him, or me% 5hen my mother had
seen me in the kitchen
with Dogerson, she asked me how I knew him and I said from school% It trned ot
his -long story- for
)eing at *enior $ays started with some kind of misdemeanor and ended with
commnity service, which
led to lemon cookies and #nch and me% /)viosly 6elly Brandt,s hnch a)ot
Dogerson had )een
correct%
"y #arents also knew his #arents: His mother was Bo))i Biscoe, a local realtor with
)ig )lond hair
whose face a##eared, it seemed, on #ractically every residential For *ale sign in
town% *he was always
giving the thm)s4#, her head cocked confidently to one side% *he was also in
Jnior Leage% Dogerson
*enior was the head of a local #harmacetical
cor#oration and golfed at the same contry cl) as my
father%
And older )rother 0eyton, after leading 0erkins $ay to the state cham#ionshi#s the
year )efore,
was in his freshman year at the niversity%
+ormally, this wold have )een enogh for them to a##rove
of anyone% Bt Dogerson a##arently had a lot of -long stories,- some of which he,d
shared with me when
he drove me home from the *enior
Center that afternoon%
He said, when I asked, that he went to 0erkins $ay, the elite #re# school on the other
side of town,
where he was a fifth4year senior! he,d -taken some time off,- a##arently )ecase of
-some #ro)lems with
administration%- He didn,t ela)orate%
His family lived in the Ar)ors, a develo#ment of l(ry homes )ased arond a golf
corse: &heir hose
was on the edge of the ninth hole% Dogerson lived in the #ool hose, where he cold
come and go as he
liked% He was )ack in school, working #art4time at a garage that fi(ed foreign cars,
and working off his
commnity service volnteering
at the *enior Center on snack detail% *re, he may have -had some
#ro)lems,- )t he seemed to )e on the right track now% I wasn,t worried,
even if my mother was%
+ow she walked across the room, )row frrowed, and moved the Conty *3ire doll
closer to the
maga;ine rack% -I .st think %% %- she )egan in her light, #assive4aggressive way, then
trailed off, waiting for
someone to take the )ait%
-5hat1- my father said, folding the #a#er and laying it on the end ta)le )eside him%
-2o had a very long day today,- she said to me, still )stling arond% -I,m worried
yo might )e tired%-
-I,m not,- I said% -I,m fine%-
-2o have that )ig game on "onday afternoon,- she added, reaching
to smooth the skirt of the Ladies,
Choir *oloist, whose moth was #osed in a wide, cree#y kind of /, mid4note% -+ot
to mention
Homecoming
on Friday% I woldn,t )e sr#rised if yo had some e(tra #ractices
this week%-
-"om, it,s only *atrday,- I said, as the light dro##ed to green again, throgh the
trees%
-5ell, I,m .st saying,- she said, glancing at my father )efore crossing the room to
sit on the coch, her
hand already reaching ot to slide a row of glass thim)les there a )it to the right,
-that I don,t think this is
a good idea%- &he last two words she said in a cli##ed, even voice, her eyes on my
father, waiting for his
res#onse%
Bingo% He looked #, at her, then at me% -Caitlin,- he said, as the light trned red
again% -"ay)e this isn,t
the )est night for yo to go ot%-
-It,s *atrday night,- I #rotested, trning away from the light to look at him% -$ad,
come on% I did school
stff all day% It,s the weekend%-
-2o have a math test on "onday, too,- my mother added in a low voice, #icking #
one of the thim)les
and e(amining it% I felt an itchy ncomforta)leness clim) # the )ack of my neck,
hating that she was this
involved in my life, knowing my cheerleading schedle, my classes, my every move,
as if we were
somehow one #erson% &his was the way she,d )een with Cass, so #rodly ta#ing
every schedle to the
fridge% I,d always thoght Cass liked it: I,d almost envied her% +ow, I wasn,t so sre%
"y father #icked his #a#er # again, nfolding it to the s#orts #age% -Be home )y
crfew,- he said, into
a #ictre of the niversity foot)all coach lifting his hands in victory% -And stdy
tomorrow% Dight1-
"y mother, on the coch, trned and looked ot the window, )t she coldn,t see the
sto#light, trning
from yellow to red again%
-Dight,- I said% -/kay%-
Dogerson showed # e(actly at seven, #lling to a sto# at the end of or walkway%
/r hall clock was
chiming as I ste##ed otside% I didn,t look )ack to see if my mother was watching as
I started down the
walk: I wanted this to )e all mine, not #art of any schedle or #lan she cold claim
as her own% I
wondered if Cass had felt the same way when she,d sli##ed ot the door on that
Agst morning and
started toward a car idling there, waiting, for her%
====================================
-Hi,- I said as I got into the car, shtting the door )ehind me%
-Hey,- Dogerson said% &hen he #t the car in gear, trned arond in the "cLeans,
driveway, and headed
to the highway and the light I,d )een watching all night% It was solid green as we
coasted nder it, and I
looked over at Dogerson, wondering what he thoght of me% He was in a )rown
sweater, .eans, and old
scffed loafers, a cigarette #oking ot of one side of his moth% He didn,t talk to me,
and I coldn,t think
of a single thing to start a conversation that woldn,t sond even st#ider if I said it
alod%
After a few mintes he said he had an -errand to rn- and had to -dro# )y some
#lace for a second%-
&his some#lace trned ot to )e a hge hose in the Ar)ors, at the end of a cl4de4
sac% &here were
a)ot fifty cars #arked along the street, )t Dogerson #lled right # in the driveway%
-Come on,- he said, getting ot of the car, and I followed him% i didn,t know what
e(actly I,d )een
e(#ecting% +othing had )een normal
a)ot or relationshi# so far, so it wasn,t like I,d )een looking
forward to a movie, #i;;a, and si##ing one Coke with two straws, like I,d )e doing
with "ike Avans%
*till, i had e(#ected something% I .st didn,t know what it was%
5hen I ste##ed inside the hose, I knew I,d walked into a 0erkins $ay #arty%
Averyone looked like
they,d .st that instant .m#ed ot of a J% Crew catalog, all crewnecks and cashmere
and straight, white
teeth%
-&his way,- Dogerson said, leading me #ast a trickling indoor fontain )y the front
door% He seemed to
know his way arond, and as we #assed a gro# of girls sitting drinking wine coolers
)y the fontain,
they all stared at me, with the same kind of slit4eyed look I always saw women give
Dina% &hat was new%
-Hey, Dogerson,- some girl said as we #assed, and Dogerson nodded
his head )t didn,t say hello%
-5ho was that1- I asked, .st to say something, as we walked throgh the living
room where the car#et
felt thick and s#ongy )eneath
my feet% &here was a lod 3arters game going in the ne(t room at the
dining room ta)le, which was long, seating at least twenty #eo#le%
I watched as a 3arter )onced down
its length, missing the glass )y a mile, and everyone )ooed%
-+o)ody,- he said, walking # to a closed door off the living room and knocking
twice )efore #shing it
o#en% It was a stdy, with dee# wood walls and red car#et, a hge desk sitting in
front of several )ilt4in
shelves, each of which was crowded with tro#hies, framed #ictres, and di#lomas%
&here was a tall )lond
gy sitting at the desk, a lighter in his hand, a)ot to light a )owl% A girl with red
crly hair wearing ri##ed
.eans and a 0erkins $ay sweatshirt was sitting on the desk )lotter, smoking a
cigarette, a hge ct4glass
ashtray )alanced on one leg%
-Dogerson,- the )lond gy said, setting the )owl down )eside one of those miniatre
Cen gardens with
the rocks and sand, and standing
#% -Been waiting on yo%-
-2eah, well,- Dogerson said% -I,m here now%-
-Good,- the gy said% He had that classic All4American look, )lond, )le4eyed, tall,
creamy skin% -5hat
yo got for me1-
Dogerson reached into his #ocket and #lled ot a )ag of #ot, then held it # and
shook it, evening ot
its contents% I don,t know why this sr#rised me, )t it did: He was serving cookies
at *enior $ays for
-something,- )t I,d imagined #arking tickets or ten miles over the s#eed limit% He
#t the )ag on the desk
and slid it across to the )lond gy, who #icked it # and e(amined it, flicking the
small green )ds with
his finger throgh the #lastic%
-How mch1- he said%
-*eventy4five,- Dogerson told him% -And a #inch for me%-
&he gy nodded% -/kay,- he said% &hen he looked at the redheaded
girl, who st))ed ot her cigarette
in the ashtray and ho##ed off the desk, reaching into her )ack #ocket for a wad of
money, which she
handed to him% He conted a few )ills off, folded them, and slid them across the
desk to Dogerson, who
conted them 3ickly himself )efore sliding them into his own #ocket%
&he gy sat )ack down, o#ened the Baggie, and started to #ack the )owl%
&he redheaded girl looked at me, smiled, and said, -I,m Laren%-
-Caitlin,- I said% -Hi%-
-Dogerson,s so #olite,- she said sarcastically, reaching ot to #oke him with her
finger% As I looked more
closely at the #ictres on the shelves I cold see she was in several of them: one in a
soccer niform with
a )all in her la#, another in a long white dress, sitting on a green stretch of grass, her
arms fll of roses%
-Isn,t he1-
-*orry,- Dogerson said% -&his is Caitlin% Caitlin, Laren and 5alter%-
-Hi,- 5alter said to me, and I reali;ed sddenly I recogni;ed him from the 0erkins
foot)all team, which
had creamed s three weeks earlier at home%
Laren lit another cigarette, )lowing smoke toward the #ictre of her holding the
roses, while 5alter
#acked the )owl and handed it to Dogerson, a lighter )alanced on to# of it% He took a
hit and handed it
to me%
-+o, thanks,- I said%
-2o sre1- he asked%
-2eah%-
He shrgged% -*he,s a cheerleader,- he e(#lained to Laren as he handed her the
)owl% *he took a )ig
hit and #rom#tly started coghing,
her face trning red% -*he,s got a re#tation to #rotect%-
-And she,s going ot with yo1- Laren said, )etween hacks%
-I know,- Dogerson said% -"st )e the hair%-
-"st )e,- Laren said, #icking # her #ack of cigarettes and shaking one ot into
her hand% - ,Case
we know it,s not yor charm%-
-Ha,- Dogerson said, his e(#ression flat%
-Ha, ha,- she said, and smiled at me% I smiled )ack, still not 3ite sre I was in on
the .oke%
Later, after we,d left and gotten )ack into the car, I said, -*o 5alter
#lays for the foot)all team, right1
How long have yo known him1-
He looked at me and half4smiled, then reached to shake a cigarette ot of the #ack
wedged nder the
visor% -2o know,- he said thoghtflly, -yo ask a lot of 3estions%-
-I do not,- I said indignantly% I didn,t even know why he )othered to ask me ot% It
was like I wasn,t
even there% -2o, like, haven,t even talked to me since yo #icked me #%-
-&alked1- he said% &he lighter #o##ed ot with a click and he reached forward to
gra) it%
-2es%-
He #ressed the lighter to the cigarette% -/kay, then% 5hat do yo want to talk
a)ot1-
-I%%% I don,t know,- I said% -I mean it,s not like I want s#arkling conversation%%%%-
He raised his eye)rows at me, re#lacing the lighter% &here was something so striking
a)ot him% Aven the
smallest gestre or e(#ression
seemed im#ortant%
-Bt,- I added, getting )ack to the #oint, -I .st wondered why yo asked me ot
tonight, if yo didn,t
really want me here% &hat,s all%-
He thoght a)ot this% -2o want to know why I asked yo ot1-
-5ell,- I said, rethinking that% +ow I wasn,t so sre I wanted the answer to that
#articlar 3estion% -+ot
necessatily%-
He #t ot the cigarette in the ashtray, then trned a )it so he was facing me% -$o
yo want me to take
yo home1-
I looked )ack at the hose% It was hge, the windows all lit #, sha#es and )odies
moving )ack and
forth across the yellow light inside%
Avery other *atrday night I,d )een at a #arty .st like this with Dina,
in another #art of town, #laying 3arters and waiting for something
to ha##en%
-+o,- I said% -I,m fine%-
-All right then,- he said easily, starting # the engine% -I,ve gotta go )y one more
#lace, )t that,s it%
/kay1-
-2eah,- I said% -/kay%- And he #t his hand on my leg, his fingers s#read across my
knee, as he #t the
car in gear and drove s away%
====================================
&he ne(t #lace was a trailer, ot in the contry% 5e crossed over &o##er Lake, #ast
the radio towers
and several cow #astres )efore finally
trning onto a dirt road so riddled with #otholes we slowed to a
crawl navigating them%
-Lost my tail#i#e here last s#ring,- Dogerson e(#lained as we )m#ed along% -Deal
#ain in the ass%-
I nodded as we crested a hge crater, my head rising # to whack the ceiling so hard
it )roght tears to
my eyes% Finally we #lled into a short dirt driveway, #arking right otside a white
do)le4wide with a
rsted swing set and a war#ed )a)y #ool in the yard%
-2o )etter stay here,- he said to me as I reached to o#en my door% -I,ll )e .st a
second, okay1-
-/kay,- I said, glancing arond me% I cold see only woods, a hge crescent moon
overhead, and
another trailer7this one yellow, and more rsted7throgh a few scr))y #ines to
my left%
&he trailer door o#ened as Dogerson walked # the ste#s, revealing
a stocky )lond woman with a
)a)y on her hi#% *he had her hair #lled # on to# of her head, 0e))les Flintstone4
style, and was
wearing
a faded Gcci &4shirt and .eans% &he )a)y reached ot for Doger4son as he ste##ed
inside and
she shifted him to her other hi#, his #acifier falling ot of his moth and down the
ste#s in the #rocess%
*he didn,t notice, and he was still reaching for it, his face twisted in a cry, as she let
the door fall sht%
I sat there in the car for eighteen and a half mintes% I knew this )ecase the glowing
)le clock on the
dash was right in front of me, and I felt like I was watching my life tick away,
minte )y minte, in a #lace
where I cold stay forever and no one cold ever find me% i was so fi(ated on this
that I .m#ed, my
heart racing, when Dogerson ta##ed on the windshield in front of my face%
-*orry a)ot that,- he said as he got inside% -Got held #%-
-It,s okay,- I said, -)t I think I want to go7-
And then he leaned over and kissed me, hard, his hand reaching )ehind my neck and
holding me there,
his moth smoky and sweet% I kissed him )ack with that hge moon shining down on
s, and thoght the
whole time of that ctock, still conting down, minte )y minte, hor )y hor,
forever%
====================================
5e ended # )ack in the Ar)ors, ctting throgh side streets and #ast the contry
cl) to #ll # in front
of another hose, where cars were also lining the street% Dogerson #arked )ehind a
silver Le(s, then
reached nder his seat and fiddled arond for something, his )row frrowed, ntil he
fond it%
-Bingo,- he said in a low voice, and as he o#ened his clenched fist i saw a ceramic
)owl in his #alm% He
reached into his #ocket and #lled ot a small Baggie, #acking the )owl 3ickly,
then handed it to me%
-/h, no thanks,- I said% -De#tation and all that%-
-It,s yor choice,- he said, shrgging% -Bt if i were yo, I,d take a hit% 2o,re gonna
need it%-
-For what1- I said%
-Jst trst me%- He reached in his #ocket for a lighter and a flame .m#ed #
)etween s, illminating
)oth or faces in a warm, yellow light% -/kay1-
I,d )een taght since si(th grade a)ot 0eer 0ressre and Bad Inflences
and Jst *aying +o% Bt for
all he knew, I cold )e the kind of girl that smoked% I cold )e anything%
I lit the )owl and took a )ig drag, feeling the smoke tangle in my throat, making me
cogh hard, fast%
&ears came to my eyes as I handed it )ack to him, already feeling something change
in me, as if I was
slowly falling into warm water, one inch at a time%
5hen we finished the )owl, Dogerson ta##ed it ot, stck it )ack nder the seat, and
leaned forward to
kiss me again% It felt good, and I cold have stayed there doing that forever, I was
sre, )t he #lled
away and smiled at me%
-Deady1- he said%
-*re,- I re#lied, not even knowing what I was getting into%
-&hen look right here,- he said, holding # a finger, and when I did he s3irted
something in my moth
that tasted strange and fresh, sr#rising me so mch it made me gag, then start
coghing again%
-5hoa,- he said, #onding me on the )ack% -5atch ot there% *orry a)ot that%-
-5hat is that1- I said, still coghing%
-Breath s#ray,- he said, shooting two 3ick s3irts into his own moth% -Breakfast of
cham#ions%-
-+e(t time,- I told him, still coghing, -warn me%-
-Gotcha,- he said% -Let,s go%-
5e got ot of the car and started # the driveway, walking arond three "ercedes
and a Jagar on the
way% As we walked Dogerson was making fast )siness of tcking in his shirt and
smoothing )ack his
hair% &his strck me as fnny, for some reason%
-5hat are yo doing1- I asked him% Averything seemed kind of f;;y and mild, as if
I was actally
standing off to the side watching )t not really involved%
-It,s the hair,- he said seriosly, #lling it )ack at the )ase of his neck and fastening
it with something% -It
scares them%-
I laghed ot lod and it sonded strange, fast and shar#: Ha< -*cares who1- I said%
And at that moment he reached ot and gra))ed my hand, s3ee;ing
it .st as a)ove s, # the rolling
crve of the thick green lawn, the hge front door o#ened and I saw Bo))i Biscoe,
star of a million For
*ale signs, standing there% :# close, I cold see she had the same dark coloring as
Dogerson7I fond
ot later that she was Greek7and the same thick, crly hair%
-Dogerson Biscoe<- she called ot% *he was smiling )t her voice sonded angry,
irritated, and the
contrast was strange% Dogerson #lled me close to him, locking his fingers tighter
into mine% -5here have
yo )een1-
-"om,- Dogerson said%
-2o were s##osed to )e here to meet and greet,- she scolded him )etween
clenched teeth7still
smiling7as we got closer% *he was in a short )lack cocktail dress and heels and in
#erson she looked
older than her #ictre% &here was a half ring of #ink li#stick on the moth of the
glass in her hand, which
she took another )ig gl# of as she narrowed her eyes at Dogerson% -2or father is
not #leased, and for
once I do not feel like sticking # for yo when7-
-"om,- Dogerson said again, calmly, -this is Caitlin /,6oren%-
*he looked at me 3ickly, as if she hadn,t even noticed I was standing
there, then made no secret of
looking # and down once, as if si;ing
me #%
-Is "argaret /,6oren yor mother1- she asked me, and I swallowed
hard, aware of how dry my
moth was%
-2es,- I said, standing # straighter% -*he is%-
*he nodded, finishing off her drink and reaching arond her )ack to stick it on a
small ta)le )ehind her,
then took her fingers and flffed a small #iece of hair over her forehead, drawing it
ot% -5ell, come in,
then,- she said to Dogerson in a tired voice, #shing the door the rest of the way
o#en% -He,s in there%-
&he hose was enormos, the entryway o#ening # into a hge room with high
cathedral ceilings, where
the voices of the fifty or so #eo#le chatting and eating cana#Ms rose # and mingled
overhead into one
msical sort of );;% &here was a thick #ack of #eo#le straight ahead of s, all
centered arond an older
man with rddy skin who was holding a drink and a##eared to )e telling a .oke that
hadn,t yet reached
the #nch line%
-I,ll )e right )ack,- Dogerson said into my ear, then let go of my hand and started
down the stairs,
leaving me there% &here was a sdden
lod )rst of laghter as the .oke finished, and then his mother
a##eared at my el)ow%
-Caitlin, honey, come hel# check on the s#inach #hyllo,- she said smoothly, hooking
her arm in mine and
walking me down a short hallway to the kitchen, where a gro# of #eo#le in white
shirts and )lack ties
were all )stling arond arranging frit and cheese on varios
#latters% Averything seemed to )e going in
fast forward, while I felt like I was hardly moving, my feet and head heavy and
thick% -5hat can I get yo
to drink1-
-:m,- I said% "y tonge was sticking to my li#s )t I wasn,t ready to risk having to
do anything with my
hands, so I said, -I,m fine%-
-5ell,- she said, lowering her voice as if s#eaking to me confidentially,
-I need another%- *he walked to
a conter, )y#assing two caterers
arging over clam stri#s, and #icked # a )ottle of wine, #oring
herself a )ig glass% -Ingrid, sweetheart, what,s ha##ening with the #hyllo1-
-It,s coming, ma,am,- a short woman in .eans, )y the oven, said, twisting a dishtowel
in her hand% -Jst a
minte or two%-
-"arvelos,- "rs% Biscoe said dryly, taking a si# of her drink% ,It,s to die for, that
#hyllo,- she said to
me% :nder the )right lights of the kitchen I cold see the tiny im#erfections of her
face: small lines )y her
eyes, the neven slo#e of her nose% &hese things were fascinating,
and I fond myself com#letely na)le
to sto# staring at them% -Costs an aim and a leg, )t what are yo going to do1-
I nodded, having lost ttack of the conversation% 5here was Doger4son1 He,d dm#ed
me, stoned, with,
of all #eo#le, his mother% &his had to )e some kind of crel test% He was #ro)a)ly
already long gone,
laghing hysterically a)ot me with his real friends while I tried somehow
to find my way home%
-*o,- "rs% Biscoe said, flffing that same #iece of hair again as she .erked me ot of
this #aranoid
reverie, -how did yo meet or Doger4son1-
&here was a sdden crash in the corner of the kitchen as something
was dro##ed, and someone
crsed% "rs% Biscoe trned arond, looked over as if mildly interested, and shook
her head%
-At a #arty,- I stammered% -5e met at a #arty%-
-/h, yes,- she said a)sently, as if she wasn,t really listening, still looking at
something over my head% -He
likes those%-
&he door o#ened )ehind me, letting ot two caterers and in Doger4son, finally, who
looked across the
room at me and smiled% I had this wild thoght that he was the only one in all this
chaos who was .st like
me, and that was comforting and #rofond all at once%
-Hey,- he said as he came closer, reaching to gra) something off a #assing tray and
#o# it in his moth%
-$oing okay1-
-Dogerson, darling,- "rs% Biscoe said, reaching over to smooth her hand over his
hair% -$id yo
a#ologi;e to yor father1-
-2e#,- he said, still chewing% -"an, those triangle things are good, "om%-
*he looked at me% -0hyllo,- she e(#lained, as if #roving a #oint, )efore letting her
hand dro# onto his
sholder%
-/h,- I said% -Dight%-
-5e,re gonna go ot )ack, okay1- Dogerson said, as his mother took another si# of
wine, distracted%
&he kitchen was so noisy, fll of voices and clanging, oven doors slamming sht, )t
she didn,t seem to
hear any of it%
-2es, okay,- she said, sna##ing to and standing # straighter to flff that one )it of
her )angs again% -Bt
stay close% Dight1-
-Dight,- Dogerson said, reaching for my hand and winding his tightly arond it
)efore leading me throgh
a gro# of caterers to a door across the room% 5hen I looked )ack I cold see "rs%
Biscoe standing in
front of the swinging kitchen door, framed for a second against the movement and
color of the #arty% &he
door swng ot )ehind
her and for a moment it was like everything fro;e and she was .st there,
ss#ended% &hen the door started to swing )ack and she ste##ed throgh,
disa##earing like a dove in a
magician,s handkerchief%
====================================
Dogerson took me )ack to the #ool hose, where he lived% His room was #ro)a)ly
the neatest I,d ever
seen in my life% It looked like yo cold rn a white4gloved fingerti# over any
srface and never find one
fleck of dst, with everything having a #lace and an order, from the C$s stacked
al#ha)etically on the
shelves over his )ed to the way the towels were folded in the )athroom% It was the
kind of #lace where
yo were conscios not to disr#t the neat vacm lines on the car#et ot the
#erfectly #lm#ed
#illows7sitting at e(actly forty4five4degree angles7on the coch%
I wold have assmed it was a maid,s doing, )t the first thing Dogerson did when
we walked in was
)end down to fi( the )ase of a coatrack )y the door so that its stand fit s3arely in
the middle of a tile
there% &his was all his%
I went to se the )athroom7marveling at the shiny chrome sink and fi(tres, the
shar# cleanliness of the
mirror7and when I came ot someone was knocking at the door%
-Hold on,- Dogerson said, starting )ack across the room, )t the door was already
o#ening and
Dogerson,s father7the older man I,d seen at the center of the #arty, telling .okes7
came in% He was
wearing
a golf sweater with a little gold insignia on it and dress #ants and loafers% He coldn,t
see me%
-I told yo to )e here at seven o,clock,- he said to Dogerson, crossing
the room with smooth strides%
His face was #inkly red, flshed%
Dogerson glanced at me, 3ickly, and the look on his face7 strange and nsteady7
made me ste# )ack
instinctively into the darkness
of the )athroom, my hand resting on the cool conterto# there% -$ad,- he
said% -I7-
-Look at me when I,m talking to yo<- "r% Biscoe said, and right as he crossed my
line of vision, his
face now )eet4red, he sddenly reached ot and hit Dogerson, hard, across the
tem#le% Dogerson,s neck
sna##ed )ack refle(ively, and he lifted a hand to shield himself% -5hen I say yo are
to )e somewhere,
yo are there% :nderstood1-
Dogerson, hand over his face, nodded% I felt my stomach trning% I wasn,t even sre I
was )reathing%
-Are we clear1- "r% Biscoe )ellowed% I cold see one vein, tat, sticking # in his
neck% -Look at me%-
-2es,- Dogerson said, and his father reached over, irritated, and snatched his hand
away from his face,
gri##ing his wrist% -2es% I nderstand%-
-Good,- his father said% -&hen we,re clear%- He dro##ed Doger4son,s wrist, then
reached # to hook a
finger arond his own collar, ad.sting it, )efore trning )ack toward the door% I ke#t
my eyes on the
tiled )athroom floor, stdying the colors: )lack and white, over and over, like a
chess)oard%
I stayed still ntil I heard the door slam, and Dogerson stm)led )ackward to the
)ed, sitting down and
s#reading his fingers over the side of his face% I walked ot of the )athroom and
went to sit )eside him,
)t he woldn,t look at me%
-Dogerson,- I said, trning to face him% -Let me see%-
-$on,t toch me,- he said in a low voice% -I,m fine%-
His eyes were so dark, the #lace where he,d )een hit flshed and red% -0lease,- I
said% -Come on%-
-$on,t,- he said, )t when I reached over and #t my hand over his he didn,t shake
me off% -$on,t toch
me%-
-Dogerson,- I said, slowly #lling his hand away% I cold feel his #lse )eating at his
tem#le nder my
forefinger, the skin red and hot there%
-$on,t toch me,- he said, so softly this time, and I took my finger
and traced his eye)row where he,d
taken the )rnt of the hit, the same way Cass had done to me so many times, her face
changing as she
saw again what she,d done% -$on,t%-
-*hh,- I said%
-$on,t toch me,- he whis#ered% -$on,t%-
Bt he was already leaning in, as my own hand worked to cover the hrt, his eyes
closing as his
forehead hit my chest and my finger traced the s#ot again and again that I knew so
well%
====================================
D/GAD*/+
Cha#ter N
I never told anyone what ha##ened at Dogerson,s% Bt from then on, we were
together%
5e didn,t talk a)ot it: It was .st nderstood% In that one moment
I,d seen some #art of him that he
ke#t hidden from the rest of the world7)ehind his cool face, his )ored manner, his
hair% I,d edged in
#ast it all, and now I fond my own #lace there%
&he ne(t "onday, after cheerleading #ractice, I walked otside to find Dogerson
#arked in front of the
gym% He was leaning against his car, smoking a cigarette, waiting for me% I hadn,t
asked him to #ick me
#% Bt there he was%
-/h, my God,- 6elly Brandt said as we came to the main doors% *he and Chad had
made # and
e(changed -friendshi# rings%- *he ke#t flashing hers arond, wanting everyone to
ask a)ot it% -5hat is
)e doing here1-
-I told yo Caitlin had a )ig weekend,- Dina said slyly, #oking me in the side% I,d
told only her a)ot or
date, and as mch as she might have wanted s to )oth date foot)all #layers, she
loved the idea of me
with Dogerson% It was .st for)idden and wild enogh to a##eal to her%
-&hat was him yo were talking a)ot1- 6elly said incredlosly% /tside, Dogerson
flicked his cigarette
and trned arond, leaning his head )ack to look # at the gray +ovem)er sky% -I
mean, Caitlin, he,s %%%-
-He,s what1- Dina said, as a #ack of soccer #layers crossed )etween
s and Dogerson, .ogging% &hey
were all )lond or dark4haired, tall and athletic, moving in #erfect synchronicity%
5hen Dogerson came
)ack into view he was watching them #ass, his hair )lowing in the wind, an
e(#ression I coldn,t make
ot on his face% -&ell s what he is, 6elly%-
-5ell,- 6elly said, lowering her voice and )rshing her hair )ack with her friendshi#
ring hand, -I,ve .st
heard some stories, that,s all% He,s )een in tro)le, yo know% Like with the #olice% I
mean, I have this
friend at 0erkins $ay, and she said %%%-
Bt I wasn,t even listening, already #shing throgh the doors into the cold air%
Dogerson stood # from
where he was leaning when he saw me% He had told me himself a)ot his -long
stories,- and I didn,t care%
I myself had no stories of my own yet, )t I was ready% "ore than ready%
&hat first week, whenever I thoght a)ot him, I remem)ered )rshing my finger
over his eye)row,
tracing the hrt, trying to give )ack what his father had taken away% +ow I,d take
that )it of Doger4son
and hold it close to me% &hat fall, as I strggled to leave Cass,s shadow )ehind once
and for all, he was
.st what I needed%
From that day on, Dogerson was sddenly .st there% He drove me home every day%
He came over from
0erkins at lnch to take me ot and called me every night7sally more than once
7and then again
)efore I went to )ed% /n Fridays he came to my games, home or away, and stood off
to the side of the
)leachers, watching me cartwheel
and cheer while he leaned against the fence, smoking cigarettes and
waiting for me%
5e never really went on -dates,- e(actly: 5ith Dogerson, it was all a)ot )eing in
motion% Going from
#arty to #arty, #lace to #lace% *ometimes I stayed in the car, )t more often now I
came in and was
introdced% &o the college gys in the dorm room with the hge Bo) *larley #oster
and the coch that
smelled like rancid )eer% &o the woman who lived in that trailer and her little )oy,
Bennett, who sat
3ietly on the floor, #laying with a #lastic #hone as she weighed )ags of #ot on a
digital scale% And to so
many others, whose faces and names I wold never remem)er% &hey )lrred
together, weekend after
weekend, as Dogerson made his ronds%
*ometimes I missed the whole movie4restarant4mini4golf4)asket)all4game kind of
dating lifestyle% Bt
this was .st how it was with Dogerson% He had a lot of nervos energy, )siness to
attend to, and
frankly I coldn,t really #ictre him standing in front of a windmill
at Jngle Golf, lining # his shot% &hat
was more of a "ike Avans thing, and I,d made my choice there% *o I was ha##y to
)e with Dogerson, in
transit, always with a )it of a );; and his hand on my knee% It was .st fine%
-*o what do yo gys do, anyway1- Dina always asked me% Her 3arter)ack was a
date kind of
gy7they were always going ot to dinner, or to the movies, or do)le4dating with
other co#les% I
coldn,t see Dogerson doing that, either%
-I don,t know,- I told her% -5e .st hang ot%-
&hat was the only way I cold descri)e it% "ost of the time s#ent with Dogerson was
in the car, him
driving and me in the #assenger seat, his fingers, s#read across my knee% He,d take
me to "c$onald,s
and )y me chocolate shakes, which he already knew were my favorite,
or drive s ot to &o##er
Lake, where we,d take the car onto the flats and listen to the radio% &he only time we
ever arged was
a)ot msic%
Dogerson liked classic rock% 0ink Floyd, his favorite, de#ressed the hell ot of me%
*o whenever he left
me alone in the car, engine rnning,
I,d change the station to G>OH, cranking it # to fill the air arond
me with )oncy #o# tnes, the kind that get stck in yor head all day and all night
long, like a
sondtrack in yor dreams% Dogerson wold come ot of the Bik Ci#, or down the
stairs of someone,s
a#artment, and head for the car% I,d watch his e(#ression change as he got closer,
hearing the strains of
one of my )a)y4)a)y4oh4#lease4)a)y songs%
-/h, my God,- he said to me once as he flo##ed into the driver,s seat, #lling the
door sht )ehind him%
-5hat is this shit1-
-+m)er one in the contry,- I told him smgly, even as he reached forward, hitting
one of the #reset
)ttons% *ddenly we were srronded )y the sond of fnereal gonging,
interwoven with some woman
moaning%
-*ee,- he said, #ointing to the radio, -now that,s msic%-
-+o,- i told him, hitting another #reset7the one I,d changed a few days earlier,
when he,d )een )sy
#m#ing gas7-this is%-
Bt it wasn,t% Instead, it was some woman singing a)ot dandrff control%
-+ice,- he said, sna##ing his fingers as if it was .st so catchy% -Better than most of
the stff yo listen
to%-
-*ht #,- I said, rolling my eyes%
-I don,t even know why yo like that,- he said, cranking the engine%
-I don,t even know why I like yo,- I re#lied, as the dandrff song finally ended%
-2es, yo do,- he said, trning his head to )ack s ot of the #arking lot%
-I do1-
-2eah%- He smiled at me% -It,s the hair%-
And then he changed the station again%
"y mother tt4ttted, worrying a)ot me )eing ot too mch, ntil
my father reminded her that Cass,
too, had dated and managed to .ggle her varios res#onsi)ilities% *till, whenever the
#hone rang #ast
nine, I,d watch a ri##le #ass over my mother,s face, or hear her sigh .st lodly
enogh so we cold all
hear it%
5ithin a week I,d sto##ed riding home with the team and s3ad, leaving instead in
the B"5 with him%
5e,d #ll # )eside the )s at a sto#light and I,d see everyone gro#ed in the )ack,
laghing and talking,
and know that Dina was #ro)a)ly on someone,s la#, that 6elly and Chad were
making ot, and that
Coach Harrock was halfheartedly
telling everyone to 3iet down, #lease, and reflect on the game% Dina
wold always look ot and wave, smiling, )t the rest of the girls and the team .st
looked down at s,
li#s moving and )rows instantly frrowing as they discssed me%
-God, they,re all staring,- I said to Dogerson the first time it ha##ened%
-I don,t even want to know what
they,re saying%-
-5hy do yo care1- he said, switching gears with a s3eal7he drove like a cra;y
#erson7as we
moved # the smooth orange of the )s% -&hey,re a )nch of idiots% I don,t know
why yo,d want to hang
ot with them anyway%-
&hat was Dogerson, or so I was learning% He divided the world coolly into )lack or
white, no grays or
middle grond% 0eo#le were either
cool or assholes, sitations good or )ad% "y friends, and my life at
school, consistently fell into each of the latter% His friends were older, more
interesting, and, most
im#ortantly, not .ocks or cheerleaders%
5hen we did go to #arties where I,d see Dina or 6elly Brandt
or anyone else from the s3ad, it was always awkward% &hey,d want me to stay,
#lling # a chair,
handing over the 3arter so I cold take a )once% Bt Dogerson was always
im#atient, finishing
whatever )siness he had and heading straight to the door, making it clear he was
ready to go%
+ow, as we #assed them, I looked # at the )s windows, seeing the faces I,d s#ent
the last few
months with: 6elly, "ike Avans, "elinda, the offensive line% And they all looked
right )ack at me, still
staring, as if we were some strange cltre to )e stdied and discssed%
5henever Dogerson trashed them I didn,t know what to say% I wasn,t even sre why
I,d hng ot with
them% It had .st sort of ha##ened,
like everything else in my life% +ow, with him, I felt finally like I was
making my own choices, living wide awake after )eing in a dreamworld so long%
I ke#t my eyes on the faces in the windows of the )s, staring )ack hard as Dogerson
hit the gas, shifting
gears again, and we were gone, leaving them to )e .st a )right orange s#eck in the
sideview mirror,
falling farther and farther )ehind me%
====================================
I got home after #ractice one nseasona)ly warm afternoon in mid4+ovem)er to find
or )ack glass
#atio door o#en and my mother and Boo sitting otside in lawn chairs% &he garden
#lot in the side yard
had )een trned over, and a few #ackages of flower )l)s lay near)y, some o#en, a
trowel a)andoned
at the foot of my mother,s chair% From the kitchen I cold see the &8 was on in the
living room, low
volme: Lamont 5hi##er came on at si( shar#% &he warm air was )lowing throgh
the )ack door,
stirring the stale air of or hose with the smell of a mis#laced s#ring% /tside,
however, it was already
starting to get dark, the sky streaked with dee# #inks and grays%
-/h, Boo, yo,re awfl,- my mother was saying, her voice drifting
into the kitchen% &he chairs were
arranged so their )acks were to me, .st the to# of their heads7my mother,s,
careflly coiffed and in a
)n, Boo,s, wild red with a co#le of cho#sticks #oking ot at strange angles7
#eeking over and visi)le
from where I was standing )y the conter%
-2o mastered #ottery,- Boo said% -I think coed massage is the ne(t logical ste#%-
-Boo, really,- my mother said% -5hat wold Jack say1-
Boo considered this, then chckled% -/kay, so massage is ot% For now% How a)ot%%%
introdction to
aromathera#y1-
-5hat,s that1-
-:sing scents to calm and ease,- Boo e(#lained, fli##ing the #age% -Bt it can get
kind of smelly and
)oring% How a)ot cake decorating1-
-&oo fattening,- my mother said, and Boo clcked her tonge, agreeing%
-5ell, are yo s#ecifically interested in anything1- Boo asked her%
-I don,t know,- my mother said% -Cassandra and I had always talked a)ot taking a
#hotogra#hy class%
*he said my family #ictres were so )ad, since I always ct off #eo#le,s heads% 5e
were going to do it
over the smmer, )t then she went to the )each, and was so )sy there, and then %%%-
&hen her voice .st dro##ed off, sddenly, and i cold hear Boo trning #ages,
smoothly, one right after
another% +either one of them said anything as I crossed the kitchen to the fridge,
o#ened it, then sht it
again%
-I,ve written her five times now,- my mother said sddenly, and as I trned to look
ot at them again I
saw it was getting dark more 3ickly now, harder to make ot their sha#es against
the snset% -I never
know what to say% It,s so hard to #t it into words%-
-*he,ll write when she,s ready,- Boo said, trning another #age% I was sre she
coldn,t even see the
words in front of her, now%
-I still can,t )elieve she cold have )een nha##y% I mean, when we went to )y
those #illow shams for
2ale, she was so e(cited% Jst as e(cited as me% I know she was%-
&here was something so lonely in her voice, something that made me look )ack ot
at her sddenly% Bt
it was so dark I coldn,t even make her ot, and this made me sadder still%
-I don,t think it was a)ot yo,- Boo said softly, and I cold tell )y her tone that
she,d said it )efore,
often, in .st the same way%
-&hen what cold it have )een, that she coldn,t tell me1 5hat1-
-I don,t know, "argaret,- Boo said% -I .st don,t know%-
And there it was% Aven with the dolls, and the crooked #ottery vases, even with my
cheerleading and
)ake sales and fretting over my relationshi# with Dogerson, my mother still coldn,t
fill the s#ace left
)ehind )y my older, more dynamic, more everything, sister% 5e might have felt like
things were going on,
seasons changing, months #assing% Bt we wold have )een wrong%
&he door slammed downstairs, annoncing my father,s arrival% -Hello,- he called
ot, as he always did,
and I heard him sto# to fli# throgh the mail on the side)oard as he hng # his coat%
-/h, that,s Jack,- my mother said, and sddenly she was walking throgh the #atio
door, s3inting in the
sdden light, one hand reaching
)ack to smooth her hair% *he seemed startled when she saw me% -/h<
Caitlin, honey, how long have yo )een home1-
-I .st got here,- I said%
Boo walked # and stood in the doorway, tcking her catalog nder
one arm% 5hen she smiled at me,
her eyes crinkled in the corners, freckles folding in on each other% -Hey, )eatifl,-
she said% -5ant to
take a #hotogra#hy class with s1-
"y mother was crossing the room from the fridge now, o#ening the oven to slide in
a casserole% I cold
hear my father coming # the stairs, his footste#s heavy%
-*re,- I said%
-Caitlin, I don,t know,- my mother said, shtting the oven% -2o,re so )sy with
#ractice and school, I,m
not sre it wold )e )est%-
-I,m not that )sy,- I said% I,d only )een trying to hel#% -Bt, whatever% If yo don,t
want7-
-+o, I,m .st saying,- my mother said 3ickly, setting the oven timer with a few .a)s
of her finger% -I .st
thoght that may)e7-
-&hen it,s settled,- Boo said over )oth of s, reaching # to ad.st one of her
cho#sticks, .a))ing it on
the other side of her head% -0hotogra#hy
it is% Jst s girls%-
-5ell,- my mother said, crossing the kitchen to #ll a )ag of rolls ot of the fridge%
-I gess if it,s on the
weekends %%%-
-+o argments,- Boo said% -Classes )egin in two weeks% *atrdays
at noon% /kay1-
"y mother glanced at the clock7it was almost si(7and then into the living room,
where the talk show
)efore Lamont 5hi##er was rolling credits # the screen% -5ell, okay,- she said% -I
really shold7-
-Go,- Boo told her% -I,ll come )y tomorrow%-
-*ee yo then,- my mother said, waving over her sholder as she walked ot of the
kitchen to the &8, as
the Lamont 5hi##er theme msic came on% Boo looked at me and smiled again,
cocking her head to the
side as if she,d known I,d )een standing there, listening to them all along%
-2o holding # okay1- she said sddenly, and the last of the snset
was so #ink )ehind her% I
remem)ered how I,d wished all those nights in my room that she was my mother as I
watched *tewart
glide down the slo#e of their lawn, )ike chains rattling, nder the moonlight%
*ometimes it seemed like
she was the only one who even noticed I was alive%
-*re,- I said, na)le to sto# myself from trning to see my own real mother #ll a
chair closer to the
television, leaning in for the slightest glim#se of the one face she wold recogni;e,
the only one she
wanted to see% -I,m fine%-
====================================
It was a)ot a week later that I was stck in #ractice for an e(tra twenty mintes
while Chelsea Do))ins
drilled s, again and again, on a new dance rotine she,d come # with dring a )ot
of ins#iration at a
Ba#tist 2oth retreat% It involved a lot of )ackfli#s, a #yramid, and a com#licated
formation that was
s##osed to reslt in s all lying
down in varios #ositions to form a tiger ?or mascot@ )t instead ended
# looking like some variation of a sloth withot a head%
-&his is ridiclos,- Dina7who was making # #art of the moth7said after or
fifth try% -All anyone is
going to )e doing is trying
to look # or skirts anyway% It,s hmiliating%-
-Ladies<- Chelsea yelled at "elinda &rdale and me% 5e were s##osed to )e
forming the tiger,s chest
)t or legs were too short% A)ove s, we cold hear rain #onding on the roof: It
was #oring% -A(tend<
2o have to e(tend<-
-*crew e(tending,- "elinda said nder her )reath% -It,s si(4friggin,4o,clock% I,m
going home%-
-/ne more rn4throgh,- Chelsea said, reaching over to rewind the msic7or
school fight song, set to
a disco )eat7again% Bt, led )y "elinda, everyone was now getting #, grm)ling
and shaking the floor
dst ot of their sweat#ants and &4shirts, and heading for their )ack#acks and the
#arking lot% -Fine,
fine,- Chelsea said in a cli##ed tone, gra))ing the ta#e #layer and yanking the cord
ot of the wall% P5e,ll
start fresh tomorrow% And think formation, #lease% &hink teamwork<-
-&hink thera#y,- Dina said, ndging me with her el)ow as she #assed, on her way to
meet Bill *keritt,
who was standing )y the doorway waiting for her% -*ee yo later, okay1- she said as
he loo#ed his arm
arond her waist, leaning to kiss her neck% *he laghed, #sh4Jig him off, while her
fingers loo#ed arond
his wrist, at the same rime #lling him closer%
-*ee yo,- I said% Averyone was filing ot of the gym, talking and com#laining a)ot
Chelsea, while I
)ent down to gra) my )ooks and .acket% &he rain was still coming down, )eating
hard overhead% 5hen I
stood #, "ike Avans was right )ehind me%
-Hey, Caitlin,- he said% He was wearing his letter .acket and his hair was dam#,
crling slightly over his
collar%
-Hi%- I slng my )ack#ack over my sholder, glancing at the doors that led to the
oter )ilding% I was
ho#ing for Dina, or "elinda &rdale, or even Chelsea Do))ins and her )oom )o(,
anyone to sto# this
inevita)le discssion I was a)ot to have with saltine4es3e "ike Avans, whom I
hadn,t )een really
face4to4face with since the night I re.ected )oth him and his letter .acket and ran off
with Dogerson, never
looking )ack%
Bt the hallway, and the gym, were em#ty% It was .st s%
-*o,- he said, sticking his hands in his #ockets, -how,ve yo )een1-
-:m, good,- I said, taking a ste# closer to the door and glancing7
hint, hint7at my watch% -I really
shold7-
-*o what ha##ened that night, at the #arty1- he asked me sddenly,
and I felt so ncomforta)le I .st
looked at my shoes, the shiny wooden gym floor )eneath them% -I mean, I thoght
yo liked me% Dina
said yo did%-
-"ike,- I said%
-And then yo leave with that gy%- &he way he said it Dogerson cold have )een
some infectios
disease involving #s, )oils, and gra#hic )odily fnctions% -I mean, what was that all
a)ot1-
Before, I might have tried to s3irm ot of it% Bt my o)ligation to "ike Avans had
)een small at )est%
-It,s not really yor )siness,- I said, affecting my )est Cass coolness%
-And it,s late% I really have to
go7-
-2o shold know what #eo#le are saying a)ot yo,- he )lrted ot 3ickly as I
trned away from him%
-I mean, someone shold tell yo%-
-5hat who is saying a)ot me1- I said% &he rain was letting # some, )t I cold
still hear it, #linking
overhead%
-Averyone,- he said% -&he team, the rest of the cheerleaders%-
Like these were im#ortant #eo#le, the most im#ortant #eo#le, and their o#inions
shold )e of tmost
im#ortance to me% And for one s#lit second, standing nder that roof with the rain
)anging overhead, I
knew why Cass had left, cold almost have )een her, in that instant% "ay)e she got
tired of her strings
)eing #lled, too%
-I don,t care what #eo#le are saying,- I said slowly, trning my face # to look "ike
s3are in the eye%
-&his Dogerson,- he said, and it was strange to hear him say his name% -He,s )een in
a lot of tro)le,
Caitlin% I,ve heard stories% I mean, he,s not yor ty#e%-
-2o don,t even know him,- I said, sddenly defensive of Doger4son, seeing him
holding his face the
night of his #arents, #arty, how dark his eyes were% -2o don,t even know me%-
-/h, come on,- he said, smiling% -/f corse I do%-
Bt he didn,t% He knew Cass, and Dina% Bt "ike Avans had never said more than
ten words to me
)efore that night we were s##osed to sddenly )ecome a co#le% He was .st a
st#id .ock who
wanted a cheerleader7not me% +ot even close%
-I,m leaving,- I said, )rshing #ast him%
-5ait,- he said, reaching ot and gra))ing me )y the arm% I looked down at his
fingers, s#read over the
fa)ric of my shirt, and then # at his face% -Listen to me% I,m .st trying7-
-Let go,- I said, trying to #ll away%
-Jst hold on%- He gri##ed me harder, his fingers #lling at the fa)ric% -Listen%- &he
rain was hitting hard
now, so lod I almost didn,t hear the door )anging o#en in front of me%
Dogerson was standing there% His hair was wet, dri##ing down onto the shiny
wooden floor, and his
.eans and .acket were )oth dam# and dark, as dark as his eyes%
"ike dro##ed his hand, 3ickly%
-Caitlin,- Dogerson said% I cold )arely hear him a)ove the rain% Bt even as he
s#oke, he wasn,t looking
at me! his eyes were on "ike% -5hat,s going on1-
-Hey, man,- "ike Avans said, too lodly, as he #t another arm,s length )etween s,
-we,re .st talking
here% &hat,s all%-
Dogerson looked at me, to confirm this, and I wondered, sddenly, .st what wold
ha##en if I didn,t
agree% I felt strangely flattered, #rotected,
as I walked over to stand )eside my )oyfriend, who ke#t his
eyes solid on "ike Avans, even as I wra##ed my fingers arond his%
-Come on,- I said% -I,m late already%-
Dogerson looked like he wasn,t 3ite sre a)ot this, even as I smoothed my hand
over his dam#
sholder, his wet hair )rshing against my skin% -It,s nothing%-
He left with me, then% And "ike Avans was )rave enogh to wait ntil we were ot
of sight )efore he
called ot, P&hink a)ot what I said, Caitlin% /kay1- his voice )oncing down the
em#ty school
corridors%
Dogerson and I were standing at the front doors% I cold )arely see the car throgh
the rain, falling thick
and fast, in sheets%
-5hat did he say1- Dogerson asked me, taking one last glance )ack as if still
contem#lating finishing
what "ike had started%
-+othing im#ortant,- I said% &hen he #shed the door o#en and I #lled my .acket
over my head, the
rain already whistling in my ears, as we started to make a rn for it together%
====================================
Cass,s first real )oyfriend, Jason 0acker7the )oy who had )roken her heart7was
#art of or family
for the two years they dated% He came for &hanksgiving dinner, e(changed
Christmas gifts with my
family, and hel#ed my father install the track lighting in or #stairs hallway% He
was acce#ted to the #oint
that we gave # maintaining what my mother called -com#any )ehavior%- It was like
we were all dating
Jason 0acker, and when he dm#ed Cass, each of s took it a little #ersonally%
I didn,t e(#ect things to )e this way with Dogerson%
5e,d )een together a)ot three weeks when I finally had to )ring him inside for a
Formal Introdction%
After her initial hesitation7and once I,d #roven I wasn,t )lowing off everything else
to )e with him7 my
mother sr#rised me )y asking a)ot Dogerson occasionally, the way she did a)ot
cheerleading or
school, althogh more ot of dty than of real interest% "y father was doing his #art
from the comfort of
his chair: he,d reach over and fli# on the front #orch light when Dogerson and I had
)een #arked for
more than twenty mintes, reminding
me that I was de inside%
&his was strange to me% I had e(#ected my #arents to )e even more vigilant a)ot
my relationshi# with
Dogerson )ecase of Cass rnning
away% After all, they,d already lost one daghter to a )oy they didn,t
know%
"ay)e it was )ecase they knew what his father did, who his )rother was, had seen
his mother,s face
on For *ale signs staked into a million lawns, and this made him safer, somehow%
&he other
o#tion7
that somehow, losing me wold )e less of a loss, never as hard as the one already
sffered7was something I #shed ot of my head each time it rose #, nagging%
It was a Friday night, dring my #arents, and Boo and *tewart,s weekly &rivial
0rsit war% I was
standing in the )athroom, #tting on li#stick, when my mother called ot, -Caitlin,
honey, when Dogerson
comes, ask him to say hello, won,t yo1-
I )linked at my reflection, then ct off the light and ste##ed ot into the hallway% "y
#arents, Boo, and
*tewart were in their cstomary
Friday night #laces, sitting arond the dining room ta)le, with the &rivial
0rsit )oard s#read ot in the middle% "y father was stdying
a card in his hand, his eyes narrowed!
*tewart sat )eside him, chewing, a )ag of dried figs on the ta)le ne(t to him% "y
mother and Boo were
at the other end of the ta)le, stirring their tea with their heads )owed, discssing
strategy%
-5hy1- I said, and my mother looked # at me, eye)rows raised%
-5ell, yo,ve certainly )een s#ending a lot of time together,- she re#lied% -5e
shold at least meet the
)oy face4to4face% $on,t yo think, Jack1-
"y father glanced over at me, smiling mildly% -*re,- he said% -Bring him in%-
Introdcing Dogerson was one thing% $oing it dring the Friday +ight war was
another altogether%
It had )een going on for at least five years, ever since Boo had given my father a
&rivial 0rsit game for
a )irthday #resent% &he first game had )egn innocently enogh, #layed over coffee
and cookies7 my
mother and Boo verss *tewart and my father% Bt over time and many games,
things were said%
Assm#tions made% Challenges e(tended%
It was as if they were drnk on trivia, and every Friday was a
)ender%
-I don,t know,- I said to my mother as Dogerson,s car slid into sight )y or mail)o(%
-5e kind of have
#lans%%%%-
-It will only take a second,- she said cheerflly, letting her s#oon clink against the
edge of her mg%
-Come on, Caitlin%-
/tside, Dogerson was waiting% I cold see him illminated in the green dash)oard
lights, leaning
forward, looking in at me% I glanced )ack at the ta)le% *o far, the game had )een
#retty docile, save for a
short disagreement over the ca#ital of Indonesia%
-Bring him in,- my father said, #shing the dice over to my mother, who handed
them to Boo7the lcky
roller% -5e shold know who yo,re s#ending all yor time with%-
-It won,t )e that )ad,- Boo said, the dice clinking off her rings as she shook them #
in her hand% -5e,ll
)e on or )est )ehavior, we #romise%-
I sht the door )ehind me and headed down the walk to Dogerson,s car% He sat there,
waiting for me to
get in, and when I didn,t, he rolled the window down and leaned over, looking # at
me%
-5hat,s the #ro)lem1- he said%
-&hey want to meet yo%-
He )linked% -&hey1-
I gestred )ack toward the hose% -It,ll only take a second%-
He sat there, considering this, then ct off the engine% -All right,- he said, o#ening
his door and getting
ot% He was wearing .eans and $oc "artens, a )owling shirt with the name &ony
written in scri#t over
the #ocket, and a leather .acket, his hair loose and wilder than sal% -5ait,- he said
as we started # the
walk% He sto##ed, reaching
into his #ocket with one hand while collecting his dreads at his neck, then
sna##ing the r))er )and he,d fished ot arond them%
-Good #lan,- I said% -5e,ll wait ntil ne(t time to s#ring the hair on them%-
-:sally a good idea,- he said%
&he first thing I heard when we ste##ed inside was my mother,s voice, lod and
argmentative%
-It,s &okyo, it has to )e &okyo,- she was sna##ing at Boo as we came # the stairs%
-+eed to give s an answer,- my father said in a level voice, his eyes on the tiny
horglass7stolen from
or 0ictionary game, in an effort
to make Boo and my mother res#ond within a set time limit7as the
sand sli##ed throgh%
-$on,t rsh me<- my mother shrieked% -2o always do that% 2o know it makes me
cra;y, and yo do it
anyway% It,s like some kind of #sychological warfare%-
-"argaret,- my father said, -either yo know the answer or yo don,t%-
-"om1- I said%
-Jst a second,- she said% -First city in the world to have #o#lation
of one million %%% first city %%%-
-+ew 2ork,- Boo said% -I have this strong aral feeling it,s +ew 2ork%-
-+o, no,- my mother re#lied, frstrated% -It,s %%% it,s %%%-
-And time is %%% #,- my father said, holding # the horglass for #roof% -*tewart, roll
the dice%-
-"other of #earl<- my mother said angrily, and *tewart laghed% *he never actally
cssed, )t her
variations were .st as good%
-&ake it easy,- Boo said% -5e,ll get them ne(t time%-
-It had to )e +ew 2ork,- my mother #rotested% -5hy didn,t we .st say +ew 2ork1-
-I have no idea,- Boo said darkly, and they )oth fell silent, not talking to each other,
while *tewart rolled
the dice%
I decided to .st )ite the )llet while the fren;y had died down% -"om1 $ad1 &his is
Dogerson Biscoe%-
+ow they were all looking at s, or more s#ecifically, at Dogerson% I watched as they
took in his dark,
olive skin, his dee# green eyes, the )owling shirt% And, of corse, the hair%
Boo, as always, was the first to s#eak% -Hello, Dogerson,- Boo said% -I,m Boo
Connell%-
-*tewart,- *tewart chimed in, waving%
-Hi,- Dogerson said%
"y mother gave him a #olite smile as she e(tended her hand% -Hello, Dogerson,- she
said, as he shook
it% -$o yo, )y chance, ha##en
to know the first city to have a #o#lation of one million1-
-"argaret, honestly,- my father said% -2or trn is over%-
-/nly )ecase yo flstered me<- she shot )ack, reaching to stir her coffee%
-:m,- Dogerson said% -It,s London% Dight1-
"y mother stdied his face, then looked at my father, who fli##ed the card over and
glanced at it% -He,s
right,- he said%
-"y goodness< London<- she said, sla##ing her hand on the ta)le and making all the
glasses .m#% -/f
corse% London<-
-0ll # a chair for the )oy<- Boo said, yanking one over )eside her% -I am claiming
him for or case%
Have a seat, Dogerson%-
-+o, no,- my father #rotested, already reaching for the to# of the )o(, where the
rles were% He lived
for the rles, knew them )y heart, and referred to them constantly dring the game%
-It s#ecifically says
that no team shall have more than7-
-5e need to go,- I said lodly over them% -Deally%-
-Doll the dice, roll the dice<- my mother said to my father% Boo had already #lled
Dogerson down in the
chair )eside her and handed him some dried figs, which he was holding, #olitely, )t
not eating% He
looked # at me, half4smiling, and I .st wanted to die of em)arrassment%
-/kay,- Boo said, #atting Dogerson on the arm as she drew ot a card% -*tewart and
Jack% &his was
thoght in ancient times to )e solidified
snshine or #etrified tears of the gods% Go<- And my mother
trned the horglass and slammed it on the ta)le%
"y father, )row frrowed, and *tewart, chewing thoghtflly on a fig, considered
this%
-+eed to give s an answer,- my mother said, needling my father% -Hrry now%-
-I don,t know,- my father said, shooting her a look% -*olidified snshine or tears of
the gods %%% so it has
to )e some kind of natral resorce%%%%-
-Dnning ot of time,- my mother said, and my father looked at *tewart, who .st
shook his head,
s#itting ot a )it of fig into a na#kin%
5hen the horglass was em#ty, my mother clcked her tonge,
sliding the dice )ack to her side of the )oard%
-/kay, then, Dogerson,- Boo said, hiding the card in her hand% -5hat do yo think1-
Dogerson looked at me, and I rolled my eyes% -Am)er,- he said% -Fossili;ed resin%
Dight1-
Boo nodded, and my mother,s eyes widened, looking # at me, im#ressed, as if I,d
created him myself
from scra#% -"y goodness, Dogerson,- she said%
-2o are )rilliant,- Boo said, s3ee;ing his arm% -A )oy genis< How do yo know
so mch1-
-5e really have to go,- I said again%
-I don,t know,- Dogerson said% -Jst watch a lot of Jeo#ardy, I gess%-
-Doll the dice, "argaret,- my father said, standing #% -Doger4son, it was good to
meet yo%-
-2o too, sir,- Dogerson said, shaking his hand% +e(t he offered it to *tewart, who
instead stood # and
hgged him while my father looked em)arrassed%
-2o kids have fn,- Boo said, s3ee;ing my arm as we finally )egan
to head to the door%
-$on,t stay ot too late,- my mother added%
/tside, Dogerson #lled the r))er )and ot as we walked to the car, shaking his
head to let his hair
get loose%
-I,m sorry,- I )lrted ot as soon as the door swng sht )ehind s% -&hey .st%%% they
get cra;y when
they #lay that game% It,s like a drg or something%-
-It,s all right,- he said, and from the hose, )ehind s, I heard someone yelling, then
a chors of )oos%
5e got into the car and he started the engine, flicking on the lights as he #t the car
in gear% &he radio
)lasted on as well7Led Ce##elin% I reached forward and changed the station and he
rolled his eyes at
me%
-*o,- I said% -How do yo know all that stff1-
-2o heard them,- he said, flicking down his visor to let a #ack of cigarettes fall into
his la#% -I,m
)rilliant%-
-+o kidding,- I said, sliding closer to him% -5hat else don,t I know a)ot yo1-
He shook his head, #nching in the car lighter with one hand% -2o,ll find ot soon
enogh,- he said% -I
got a million of ,em%-
-/h, that,s right,- I said% -2o,re a com#le( man of mystery%-
He shrgged% -It comes with the hair% 2o know%-
-2eah,- I said, reaching over to smooth my hand over his face7 my new
mysterios, )rilliant )oyfriend%
-I know%-
====================================
5hen Dogerson and I weren,t in the car we were at his #ool hose, shoes off,
making ot on his
#erfectly made )ed% "ay)e )ecase I was forging my own, new, non4Cass way,
things had )een moving
fast with s from the start% :# ntil then, my e(#erience with gys had )een limited
to a co#le of
)oyfriends% /ne, Anthony 5ayan, I,d met at cam#% 5e,d )een hot and heavy for
three weeks, )t once
he went )ack home to "aine things .st died ot, ty#ical smmer romance% &hen,
so#homore year, I,d
dated a .nior named Ammet 0eck who I sat ne(t to in Acology class% 5e were
together a fll for
months, and he,d wanted me to slee# with him% Bt as mch as I liked him,
something always sto##ed
me7he was a nice gy, yet ltimately forgetta)le% And I wanted my first time to )e
with someone I
wold always remem)er%
I already felt that way a)ot Dogerson% Bt I still wanted to take my time, not have it
ha##en in some
mad rsh or on a random &esday
afternoon% He seemed to nderstand this, and when I told him to
sto#7and even for me, it was always hard7he com#lied, the only #rotest a little )it
of grm)ling into
my neck as his hands moved )ack # into the safe ;one% Bt each time it got harder,
and I knew I
coldn,t wait too long%
I was )eginning to nderstand that small smile Dina gave me whenever I asked her
what she saw in Bill
*kerrit%
Dogerson seemed to almost like the fact that I was ine(#erienced, not .st a)ot se(,
)t most things%
He en.oyed carting me arond in my cheerleading otfit while he took )ong hits or
talked )siness with
#eo#le who eyed me strangely, as if I was a cartoon, not 3ite real% &his was the
same reason, I was
sre, that he,d )een interested in me the first night we,d met% It was a fair trade% 5ith
Dogerson, I was
someone else% +ot Cass% +ot even me% I took his wildness from him and tried to fold
it into myself, filling
# the em#ty s#aces all those second4#lace finishes had left )ehind%
&here were so many things I already loved a)ot him% &he smell of his skin, always
slightly msky and
sweet% His hair, wild and dread4locked, thick nder my hands as I com)ed my
fingers throgh it% &he
way he #ressed his hand into the small of my )ack whenever I walked into any #lace
ahead of him% He
was so attentive, with one eye on me regardless of what else he was doing% Aven
with his )ack trned, he
always seemed to know e(actly where I was%
/f corse, there were the drgs% Dogerson o#erated a )risk )siness
selling #ot and other varios
illegals to the kids at 0erkins $ay and Jackson% Becase of this and other
distractions, added to the fact
that he never seemed to mention school, I was sr#rised at the #ool hose one day,
when he was on the
#hone, to find #oking ot of his )ack#ack not only a calcls midterm ?on which he
scored a IG@ )t an
Anglish #a#er entitled -*torms and *acrifice: 5eather and Amotion
in 6ing Lear- for which he,d gotten
an A4% /)viosly &rivial 0rsit was not his only strength% Dogerson was what his
gidance conselor
called -driven )t misdirected- ?from a letter home I fond nder my seat in the car,
crm#led and )ent@%
He was a #erfectionist, whether it came to measring ot a #erfect 3arter4once or
knowing the
com#lete French conditional tense%
I, however, was strggling to kee# my grades #, since I was sddenly
s#ending so many weeknights
?when my #arents assmed I was doing cheerleading s3ad activities@ with him% "y
mother, now
distracted
with Cass,s Lamont 5hi##er sightings, had eased off on her own involvement in my
cheerleading: something that almost wold have )othered me, had I really taken the
time to think a)ot it%
It was so easy, again, for Cass to take center stage%
Bt it made lying that mch easier% It )ecame a given that I rode arond with him for
all his errands
almost every night% It was like he .st needed me there, even if I was sitting in the
car chewing my #encil
and working trigonometry #roofs while he talked )siness and divided
# )ags inside varios hoses% If
I did want to go home early or s#end an evening at home, he,d always drive )y my
hose at least once,
slowing down and .st idling, engine rm)ling, ntil I went otside
to talk to him%
-Jst come here for a second,- he,d say, rolling down his window and ctting off the
engine as I came
down the walk% -I,ll even let yo listen to that st#id msic yo like so mch%-
-Dogerson,- I,d tell him, -I told yo I have got to stdy% 2o don,t nderstand%-
-I do, too,- he,d say, o#ening the car door and holding ot his hand% Aven if it was
dark I cold tell when
his eyes were slee#y, half4stoned, which always made him mshier than normal%
-/ne second% I .st want
to talk%-
-2eah, right,- I,d say%
-I,m serios%- And then he,d smile at me, strict honest face% -2o trst me, right1-
&his was his line% It was what always led to me giving in, regardless
of the isse, and coming two or
three ste#s closer to give him my hand%
5hich wold, of corse, lead to him #lling me inside the car and kissing me, which
always made me
somehow forget a)ot stdying the dates for the Italian Denaissance, or the #eriodic
ta)le, or "ac)eth,
entirely%
&here were some nights, thogh, when something was wrong% He woldn,t talk and
.st wanted to lean
into me, #tting his head on my chest while I ran my fingers throgh his hair ntil he
fell aslee#% I always
wondered if his dad had hrt him again% Bt like most things with Dogerson, I was
sally given half the
#;;le or .st one cle, never enogh to #iece together the fll story%
&his is what I did know% &hat he was 3iet and never s#oke withot
thinking% &hat he drove like a
maniac% &hat the only time I saw the small simmering of tem#er )ehind his cool
demeanor was when
someone was late or not where they said they,d )e% &hat he liked his )rother,
tolerated his mother, and
never mentioned his father at all% And that whenever I #ressed him for details a)ot
any of these things,
he wold sideste# me so graceflly that I cold never find a #olite way to ask again%
*till, there was something so strange and tender a)ot those nights when I .st sat
with him in the car, my
arms arond him, wondering what had ha##ened at home that )roght him here,
needing me so mch% It
reminded me of how I,d felt when Cass and I shared or room, the #eace of mind
that comes from
knowing someone is so close while yo slee# that the worst of the monsters and
nightmares can,t get to
yo%
Dogerson and I wold stay that way ntil my father flicked on the otside light,
)right and yellow and
startling in my eyes% &hen I,d wake him #, kiss him good night, and he,d drive off,
drowsy, while I went
)ack to my own )ed feeling warm and content% I,d close my eyes, alone in my room,
remem)ering him
)reathing and wonder who he saw, or fond, in dreamland%
====================================
Dogerson,s de#th of knowledge continally sr#rised me% It seemed like there was
literally nothing he
didn,t know%
/ne day, he was changing the oil in his car and I was sitting on a lawn chair in his
garage, doing my
homework% &he Biscoe garage was .am4#acked with stff% His mother was
a##arently addicted to
sho##ing,
and there were )o(es #on )o(es, no#ened, of landry detergent,
&##erware, canned
goods% In the )ack, where "r% Biscoe ke#t his fishing s##lies, was a graveyard of
)arely sed e(ercise
e3i#ment,
inclding a treadmill, a )ike, and some strange contra#tion that looked like skis
attached to a
tram#oline% 5henever Dogerson worked on his car I cold s#end hors .st walking
arond, #oking
)ehind )o(es, e(cavating things%
Bt today I was trying to cram American history, as well as com#laining
ot lod a)ot my teacher,
"r% Alores, who gave trivia 3i;;es each Friday for e(tra credit% He didn,t teach the
material on them!
yo either knew it or yo didn,t, and lately I,d )een falling into the latter category%
-I mean, it,s so ridiclos,- I said to Dogerson, or rather to Dogerson,s legs, which
was all I cold see of
him #oking ot from nder the car% -How am I s##osed to know this cra#1-
-It can,t )e that hard,- he said%
-2eah, right% /kay%- I #lled ot my last 3i;7I,d gotten a ;ero7 and nfolded it%
-Here% +m)er 9%
&he 8ictoria was the name of the first shi# to what1-
-Hand me that wrench )y yor foot,- he said, and I kicked it nder
the car to him% -&hanks%
Circmnavigate the glo)e%-
-$o what1- I said%
-&he 8ictoria% It was the first shi# to circmnavigate the glo)e% "agellan% Detrned
>KFF% Dight1-
I glanced down at my sheet, where "r% Alores had written the correct
answer in his clear, )lock4style
#rinting% -2eah% &hat,s right%-
*omething clanked, hard, nder the car% -*hit,- he said% -$amn screw,s #ractically
rsted on%-
I glanced )ack down at my 3i;% -Dogerson%-
-2eah%-
-5ho was the first #erson to clim) "ont Averest1-
-*ir Admnd Hillary% >IKH%- He #shed ot from nder the car and stood #,
walking over to his
tool)o(%
-&he /.i)wa Indians are )etter known as what1-
He #icked # a screwdriver, e(amined it, and dro##ed it )ack in the )o(%
-Chi##ewa,- he said%
I cold not )elieve this% -&he clster of stars called 0leiades can )e fond in which
constellation1-
He croched down, sliding )ack nder the car% -&he *even *isters,-
he said%
I looked down at my sheet%
-&ars,- he added, his voice mffled% -Also known as%-
Dight again% I #t the sheet down% -Dogerson% How in the world do yo know all this
stff1- I walked
over and knelt down on the floor, #eering nder the car while he drained the oil into
a #an resting on his
stomach% -It,s, like, ama;ing%-
-I don,t know,- he said%
-Come on% +o)ody .st knows stff like the thyroid is located )ehind
the )reast)one% It,s insane%-
-&hyms,- he said%
-5hat1-
-&he thyms is )ehind the )reast)one,- he e(#lained, shifting the oil #an% -+ot the
thyroid%-
-5hatever,- I said% -2o,re like a genis or something%-
He smiled at this% -+ah% I was .st really into history and science as a kid% And my
grandfather was a
trivia addict% He )oght me )ooks for #ractically every )irthday and then tested me%-
He shrgged% -It,s
no )ig deal%-
Bt it was% &here were moments7when Jeo#ardy came on, in the car dring radio
trivia challenges, or
for #ractically any 3estion I coldn,t answer in any s).ect7that Dogerson sim#ly
ama;ed me% I started
to seek ot facts, .st to stm# him, )t it never worked% He was that shar#%
-In #hysics,- I s#rng on him as we sat in the &aco Bell drive4throgh, -what does
the ca#ital letter 5
stand for1-
-Anergy,- he said, handing me my )rrito%
*itting in front of my #arents, hose as he kissed me good night: -5hich two #lanets
are almost identical
in si;e1-
-$h,- he said, smoothing my hair )ack, -8ens and Aarth%-
-Dogerson,- I asked him sweetly as we sat watching a video in the #ool hose,
-where wold I find the
#elagic ;one1-
-In the o#en sea,- he said% -+ow sht # and eat yor Jnior "ints%-
====================================
Dogerson, for the most #art, didn,t like any of my cheerleading friends% Dina was the
only one he cold
tolerate, and her .st )arely% He said she was too lod, )t he liked her s#nk
nonetheless% *ince she was
still hot and heavy with her 3arter)ack, not to mention a develo#ing
sitation with a college4)oy shoe
salesman she,d met at the mall, I didn,t see mch of her other than at #ractice% 5hen
I wasn,t there, I was
with Dogerson and his friends%
5e,d )een together a)ot a month when he took me one *nday afternoon to an old
farmhose ot in
the contry% It was yellow, and kind of ramshackle charming, with a )ig yard and a
do#ey looking yellow
La), crled # in the late winter snshine, that yawned, ninterested,
as we walked # the ste#s% &here
were two cars7a yellow 85 )g and a #ick# trck7#arked in the driveway, and
when Doger4son
knocked on the heavy wooden door I cold hear the &8 on inside%
-Come in,- a voice called ot, and as I ste##ed in )ehind Dogerson I saw it )elonged
to a girl with long,
straight )lond hair who was sitting on a )ig coch in front of the &8, her feet tcked
# nder her% &he
room was small, with )right white walls, snshine slanting in throgh a window
with a )nch of #lants
crowded on the sill% &he coffee ta)le was an old trnk, covered with maga;ines and
#acks of cigarettes,
some )racelets and a flrry of envelo#es% &here was a fish4)owl on to# of the &8
with one )right orange
goldfish in it, circling%
&he girl on the coch was smoking a cigarette and watching the Home *ho##ing
+etwork, which I
recogni;ed instantly from my mother,s newfond doll addiction% &he .ewelry
segment was on, with some
woman talking # a c)ic ;irconia )racelet she had dra#ed over her fingers,
modeling it this way and that%
-Hey,- Dogerson said to the girl, who looked # and smiled at him% *he had a #retty
face and
cat4sha#ed eyes%
-Hey yorself,- she said, reaching over to lift a stack of maga;ines off the coch
)eside her% -Have a
seat% $ave,s in the kitchen making lnch%-
-Is that Dogerson1- a gy,s voice yelled from the ne(t room%
-2eah,- Dogerson said%
-Get in here, man% I need to talk to yo%-
Dogerson stood #, s3ee;ing my sholder, and walked to a swinging door, leaning
into it to #sh it
o#en% I caght a glim#se of a gy in his early twenties, in ctoffs and a long flannel
shirt, )arefoot,
standing over a frying #an% /n the wall )ehind him there was a hge velvet Alvis,
hanging )y a row of
ca)inets% 5hen the gy saw me he lifted his s#atla, smiling, and waved at me
)efore the door swng
sht again%
-&hat,s $ave,- the girl )eside me said% -He,s making Ham)rger Hel#er% I,m
Corinna%-
-Caitlin,- I said, and she nodded, smiling at me% -Dogerson has #ro)lems with
introdctions%-
-+o )ig deal% 5e,re definitely not formal here,- she said, flicking her wrist a)sently,
clattering the thin
silver )angles she wore there% &hen she reached forward to st) ot her cigarette in
an ashtray sha#ed
like &e(as, #icking # the remote with her other hand to fli# channels% *he crised
)y "&8, a #olitical
news show, and two old movies )efore finally landing on an infomercial a)ot acne
medicine, where they
were interviewing a kid with horri)le skin, all red and s#lotchy and riddled with
)m#s like the srface of
the moon%
-/h, man,- she said, reaching over the arm of the coch, feeling arond for
something, and coming #
with a )le ceramic )owl and a )ag of #ot% -&hat #oor kid% Look at that% Like high
school isn,t )ad
enogh, yo know1- *he o#ened the )ag and 3ickly #acked the )owl, #ressing
down on it with her
inde( finger% -I had acne in high school, )t it wasn,t that )ad, thank God% And I still
coldn,t get a date%
Bt yo #ro)a)ly don,t have that #ro)lem, right1- *he fm)led arond on the coffee
ta)le, moving a &8
Gide and two emery )oards to nearth a lighter% -I mean, yo have great skin%-
-/h, well,- I said, watching as she lit the )owl, drew in a dee# )reath, and held it a
second )efore slowly
letting ot a long stream of smoke% -+ot really%-
-/h, yo do, thogh% It,s all genes% $oes yor mom have good skin1-
It was strange to think of my mother, here, )t her face #o##ed into my head
instantly, smiling, li#stick
#erfect% -2eah, she does%-
-*ee1- *he ta##ed the )owl with the lighter% -Genes%- And then she handed it to me%
:# ntil that #oint, I,d only smoked a few times: with Dina, e(#erimenting!
at one or two #arties with
the more re)ellios of the .ocks! and the night I,d seen Dogerson,s dad hit him% I,d
never cared one way
or the other for it, )t )eing in that little farmhose, on a snny afternoon, sitting in
the corner of that )ig
comforta)le coch talking to Corinna, it .st seemed right, or as right as anything
technically
wrong
cold )e%
-&hanks,- I said, taking it, lighting the lighter and drawing in a )ig hit of smoke,
which immediately set me
to coghing like cra;y% &he ne(t one went down easier% And )y the third, I felt like
an old #ro%
Afterward, Corinna lit a cigarette and offered me one, too, which I took, lighting it
and smoking like I,d
)een doing it all my life% 5e sat there together, smoking and watching the acne
doctors work their magic%
By now they,d moved onto a cheerleader with )g eyes and skin so )ad it seemed
like she was wearing
a )ig red mask%
-I admire her so mch,- Corinna said, #icking # the ashtray and moving it onto the
coch )etween s% -I
mean, )eing a cheerleader and getting # in front of #eo#le with that face% *he mst
really have some
self4esteem, yo know1-
-I know,- I agreed, ta##ing my ash and #lling my legs # nderneath
me, like Corinna% -0ls
cheerleading is so awfl anyway%-
*he looked at me, tcking a few )lond strands )ehind her ear, her )racelets tinkling
against each other,
like msic% -2o think so1 I always
wanted to )e a cheerleader% And a #rom 3een% And I was, like,
neither% +ot even close%-
-I,m a cheerleader,- I said, taking another drag off my cigarette% -And I hate it%- And
there it was, the
trth, #o##ing ot when I least e(#ected it: I did hate cheerleading, always had% And
this girl, this
stranger, was the only one I,d ever told%
-5ow,- she said, laghing, -that was, like, so direct% I love that%-
I laghed, too: It seemed fnny to me now, almost hysterical in fact% "y head felt
f;;y and rela(ed and
the fish on to# of the &8 .st ke#t swimming, arond and arond, and Corinna
fli##ed her long )lond
hair, smiling that cat4smile% *omething smelled good from the kitchen and it was a
la;y *nday and
everything was okay, sddenly7 as okay as things had )een since Cass left and the
smmer ended7
even if .st for an instant%
5e sat there, watching the infomercial and talking, for what seemed like a long time%
Corinna told me
she worked at A##le)ee,s, waiting ta)les, #rodcing her ask me a)ot so# ,n,
skillets< )tton
from
nder a coch cshion% *he and $ave had )een together since high school7they,d
gone to Jackson, too,
gradating five years earlier7and sometime soon, they were #lanning to move to
California%
-0alm trees, movie stars,- Corinna said with a smile% *he was so nice, I felt like I
knew her already% *he
reminded me of Cass that way, the kind of #erson yo felt friendly with at first sight%
-I can,t wait to get
the hell ot of this #lace%-
A few mintes later, as they were showing the After #ictres of )oth acne victims,
the kitchen door
swng o#en and $ave and Doger4son came in% I,d forgotten, tem#orarily, that they
were even in the
hose% $ave was carrying the frying #an, Dogerson a stack of #lates%
-$inner is served,- $ave said, kissing Corinna on the to# of the head as he sat down
)eside her%
-It,s lnchtime,- she told him%
-Lnch then% 5hatever% Anytime is a good time for Ham)rger Hel#er Qla $ave ,-
he said, #assing his
hand over the frying #an with an e(aggerated florish%
-5hich means,- Corinna e(#lained to me, -that we didn,t have money for ham)rger
this week so it,s
.st noodles%-
-Better for yo anyway,- I said% -A diet heavy in meat cases heart disease and high
)lood #ressre%-
$ave raised his eye)rows at me and smiled% He had short )rown hair and )right )le
eyes and looked,
strangely, a little )it like "ike Avans% -I like this girl,- he said to Dogerson, handing
me a #late and a fork%
-&hat,s Caitlin,- Corinna said, digging into the #ile of noodles on her #late% -*he,s a
re)el cheerleader%-
-Ah,- $ave said% -"y favorite kind%-
-"ine, too,- Dogerson said, sliding his arm arond my waist and forgoing the food
as I leaned )ack
against him, eating my Ham)rger Hel#er7which was, 3ite honestly, one of the
)est meals I,d ever
eaten%
-/h, Jess, Corinna,- $ave said as he looked at the &8, where they were showing
the Before #ictre of
the cheerleader again% -5hy do yo always have to watch this cra#1-
-Hsh,- Corinna said% -Aat yor food%-
-*he,s o)sessed,- $ave told s% -&his acne commercial, it,s on every single time I
come home% I don,t get
it%-
Corinna smiled at him, reaching to smooth one hand over his face% Her )racelets fell
down her arm, one
)y one% -Jst one more time,- she said, #tting her now em#ty #late on the coffee
ta)le% -I .st love to see
a ha##y ending%-
*o we all sat there, silent, or eyes fi(ed on the #ock4faced cheerleader,
watching the Before and After
as the acne medicine worked miracles, smoothing over )m#s, wi#ing away scars,
changing her face, her
ftre, her life%
Cha#ter G
As $ecem)er )egan, when I wasn,t in #hotogra#hy class with my mother and Boo,
contining my ra#id
falling ot of favor with the cheerleading s3ad, or listening to Dina wail a)ot her
love life, I was at
Corinna,s% It was the only #lace I felt like I got some #eace of mind, and I fond
myself drawn there
whenever things got cra;y% I,d cree# # the front ste#s and knock softly, always
worried I was
interr#ting something, and she,d yell ot for me to come in% 5hen I #shed the
door o#en I sally
fond her sitting on the coch with a cigarette in one hand and the remote in the
other, smiling as if she,d
)een waiting for me to show # all along% 5e,d sit on the coch, smoking, and watch
soa# o#eras, eating
fro;en )rritos and talking while the world otside went on withot me%
I,d discovered that Corinna and I had a lot in common% Besides the fact that we,d
)oth gone to
Jackson7she was three years ahead of Cass7her mother and mine were each Jnior
Leagers, and
she,d grown # in Crestwood, a s)division on the other side of the highway
from mine% *he said she,d
)een a geek her freshman year, doing time in stdent concil and dance committees,
ntil she met $ave,
who was two years older% *he fell in love with him and )ecame, in her own words, a
-)rnot,- s#ending
more time in the #arking lot than in class% In her year)ook, which she ke#t on the
coffee ta)le, there was
a #ictre of her sitting on the hood of someone,s car in ctoff .eans and a tie4dyed &4
shirt, )arefoot and
wearing snglasses% *he was laghing, )eatifl, even then%
For gradation, she,d gotten a tiny green vine tattooed arond her left ankle, and
$ave had given her the
first of the thin, shiny silver )racelets she wore on her left wrist% He had contined to
give her one for
every Christmas, )irthday, and 8alentine,s $ay since% &hey clinked against each
other whenever she
walked, or gestred e(citedly, or reached to )rsh her hair ot of her face7$ave
said it was her theme
msic%
Bt what I liked most a)ot Corinna was that she liked me% *he was #retty, smart,
and fnny )t I didn,t
feel like I faded ot when I was with her, like I always had with Dina and Cass% I
loved her easygoing
manner, hanging on every one of her horror stories a)ot waitressing at A##le)ee,s
and her own wild
high school years% *he seemed to have the #erfect life to me: inde#endent, fn .o),
living with a man who
loved her in their tiny, fnky farmhose% I cold see me and Dogerson like that,
someday% :s against the
world% It was the way I imagined Cass living in +ew 2ork with Adam, starting over
all on her own%
Being with Corinna always made me miss Cass a little less%
*he didn,t talk to or see her family mch, even thogh they lived right in town% /ne
afternoon we went to
the grocery store and )m#ed into her mother, leading to a strange, awkward
e(change in the fro;en
food aisle that made me so ncomforta)le I sli##ed off to the #rodce section% Her
mom looked a lot like
mine, with the )lond )o), khaki skirt, conservative 84neck sweater, and #earl
earrings% *he was )ying
salad dressing and scallo#s, and when she asked Corinna a)ot $ave her nose
wrinkled .st slightly, as if
she,d gotten a sdden whiff of something rotten%
Afterwards, riding home, Corinna chain4smoked cigarettes, hardly talking e(ce#t in
small argmentative
s#rts, as if her mother was still there, arging )ack%
-&hey never even tried to like him,- she said, hitting the gas to #ass a slow4moving
school )s% -&hey
hated him on sight% Bt it was never really a)ot him% &hey had already decided they
wanted me to )e
chaste, go to college, and )e a lawyer% It was always a)ot what they wanted%- &hen
she hit the volme
on the radio, cranking it # to drown herself ot%
5e drove on, and a second later she reached forward, trning the sond down again%
-I mean,- she
added angrily, -they,d already, like, decided e(actly what I was s##osed to do, and
)e, for God,s sake%
I never even had a say in anything%-
I nodded as she twisted the volme #, the s#eakers rattling arond s% 5e drove on,
whisking #ast the
dairy farm at the to# of the road, the smell of cows and manre wafting in throgh
the o#en window%
-And now,- she said, reaching im#atiently to ct off the radio altogether
as we )m#ed down the dirt
road to her hose, -they,re so disa##ointed in me% Like I,ve let them down )y not
doing everything they
#lanned% I can see it in their faces% Like waiting ta)les is so awfl%
I,m not costing them anything, for
God,s sake% I mean, I can,t even afford to go to the dentist, )t do I ask them for
hel#1-
-+o,- I said as she yanked the wheel and we s#ttered to a sto# )ehind $ave,s trck%
-+o,- she re#eated% -A(actly% I don,t%- *he got ot of the car, gra))ed her one )ag of
groceries, and
slammed the door% I followed her # the ste#s into the hose, where $ave was sitting
on the coch in
.eans and a *#am &4shirt, an o#en )ag of Fritos on his la#%
-Hey there,- he said cheerflly as she )rshed #ast him into the kitchen, the door
swinging sht )ehind
her% I cold hear her )racelets clanking as she moved arond, #tting things away,
ca)inet doors )anging
sht, one )y one% $ave, with one Frito halfway to his moth, raised his eye)rows%
-5e saw her mom at the store,- I e(#lained%
-/h,- he said, #o##ing it into his moth% -How,d that go1-
-*hit<- Corinna said lodly, as something crashed and )roke in the kitchen%
-Goddammit%-
-+ot so good,- I told him%
He sighed, standing #% -Here,- he said, handing off the Fritos to me% -I,m going in%-
I watched as he #shed the kitchen door o#en% It started to swing sht )ehind him
)efore catching on
the st))orn #iece of kitchen tile that #oked # at the edge of the threshold% He
walked over to where
Corinna was standing, crying, holding a #iece of )roken #late in her hand%
-&his fell,- she said, holding it # as #roof% -I didn,t dro# it%-
-I know,- he said, taking it ot of her hand and #tting it on the conter% -It,s okay%-
*he wi#ed at her eyes, im#atiently% &hen she said, -I hate that I let her do this to me%
It,s so
dysfnctional%-
-It,s not yor falt,- $ave said as Corinna closed her eyes, leaning her face against
his chest, and I felt
)ad for watching, trning my attention
to the Brady Bnch rern on the &8%
I wondered again if this was what Cass,s life was like with Adam in +ew 2ork% I
ho#ed so% Aven if she
was strggling and living off Damen4noodle so#, it seemed #erfect to )e in this
kind of love%
Corinna was still crying, even as $ave kissed her forehead and smiled, taking one of
her hands and
twirling her arond the small, #aint4#eeling kitchen% -*to#,- she said, half4laghing
as he di##ed her over
the gar)age can% -$avid, honestly%-
He was hmming something, a song I didn,t know, as he twirled her ot, then #lled
her )ack, scoo#ing
an arm arond her waist, and led her into an e(aggerated tango, )oth of them
ste##ing e(#ertly over the
dog )owl%
-2o,re cra;y,- she said, )t now she was smiling%
/tside the window over my sholder it was winter, flat and gray% Bt in the kitchen,
nder the warm
)l) light, they were still dancing, laghing, twirling across the tiny floor while
those silver )racelets
.ingled,
making msic all their own%
====================================
"y mother was still )ying dolls and gled to the Lamont 5hi##er
*how daily, where she caght
glim#ses of Cass every once in a while% Adam, however, she saw every day, since at
least one fistfight or
hair #lling incident occrred on each show% He was always )onding
onstage, gra))ing wives off their
cheating hs)ands or se#arating angry drag 3eens while the crowd roared in the
)ackgrond%
*he was also writing Cass each week, and althogh she hadn,t heard )ack yet,
there,d )een for
hang4#s so far on or #hone, all coming dring the official /,6oren dinnertime: si(
to si(4thirty% "y
mother wold throw down her na#kin and rn to gra) the #hone, then stand there
saying hello again and
again, her fingers gri##ing white arond the receiver, )efore finally re#lacing it and
walking slowly )ack to
the ta)le% *he,d sit down, not saying anything, while my father and I watched her, the
only sond the
scra#ing of forks against #lates%
-"argaret,- my father wold say, finally% -It,s #ro)a)ly .st some long4distance
com#any7-
-*he almost said something that time,- my mother wold )lrt ot% -I cold hear her
)reathing% *he wants
to talk to me% I can feel it%-
&his was #ro)a)ly tre% Cass had always )een easily homesick% Aven when we went
to cam# as
teenagers she,d )awled at the )s station%
I knew the only reason she hadn,t gotten in toch so far was
.st )ecase she was afraid my #arents wold somehow force her to come home%
Aven as I imagined her
making Ham)rger Hel#er withot the ham)rger with Adam in +ew 2ork, )eing
madly in love, I knew
my sister, and I was sre she missed s%
/n *atrday afternoons, I went to the Arts Center with my mother and Boo for
#hotogra#hy class% I,d
regretted agreeing to it almost instantly7
mostly )ecase )etween cheering and school I didn,t see
Dogerson as mch as I wanted, to )egin with7)t in time I fond that I actally
liked the class% &he
instrctor was a yong, energetic #hotogra#her named "atthew, who s#orted a
scraggly goatee, as well
as a seemingly endless nm)er of tattered wool sweaters% He gestred
e(citedly, eyes s#arkling, as he
gided s throgh the first few discssions on light, focs, #ers#ective, and setting%
&hen he .st set s
loose in different #laces7&o##er Lake, the old graveyard, the s#ermarket7
encoraging s to -create
or own #ersonal vision- of each%
At the s#ermarket, for instance, my mother s#ent the fll hor in the floral section,
trying to get the
#erfect shot of the rows of ct flower )ins, while Boo went for the a)stract, selecting
a rond, )right,
yellow s3ash and arranging it on the meat conter, right ne(t to a freshly ct set of
)loody steaks%
-Contrast,- "atthew #roclaimed e(citedly,
as she circled the meat with her camera, getting it from every
angle% -"ake s think a)ot yor meaning<-
I myself was sorely lacking for ins#iration% I contem#lated the rows of milk )ottles
7white, smooth,
cold7)t moved on when I saw two #eo#le from or class already there, taking
identical #ictres from
the same angle% *hold I do the )ored lo)sters in their tank1 *eek dee# intros#ection
in the cheese
aisle1 I was )eginning to lose ho#e%
-Five mintes, #eo#le<- "atthew called ot as he #assed me% -5e,ll regro# )y
cstomer service,
okay1-
Five mintes% I was getting des#erate and had decided to go )ack to the milk when I
walked #ast the
fro;en foods% It was em#ty e(ce#t for an elderly woman with her cart, who was
#lling a door o#en to
get ot a fro;en dinner% *he was small and frail, with skin almost translcent and
made whiter )y the
)right florescent lights overhead% I started # the aisle toward her, #o##ing the lens
ca# off my camera,
already lifting it to my eye and ad.sting the ;oom so that her #rofile took # the
entire frame% &hen she
leaned in, reaching forward, and as her )reath came ot in a sdden, small white
#ff, she closed her
eyes, reacting to the cold% I sna##ed the #ictre, catching her in that one instant with
a sim#le click%
&he ne(t week, when we did or develo#ing, I stood and watched as her image
emerged in front of me:
distinct, #erfect, in all that cool white% "atthew held it # for the class to see and
congratlated me on my
-sense of face%- For me, it was the first thing I,d done in a long time that I was trly
#rod of, so mch so
that I hng it on my mirror,
re#lacing my second4#lace ri))ons and B honor roll certificates%
Bt even as I was doing well in #hotogra#hy, things were going from )ad to worse
in my cheerleading
career% Choosing Dogerson over "ike Avans had )een the )eginning of the end, )t
now I was so )sy
with him that I .st didn,t have the energy for #yramids and dance rotines anymore%
&his was added to
the fact that Corinna,s was a)ot a mile from school, so I often headed there for the
half hor )etween
last #eriod and #ractice% Corinna was sally in her A##le)ee,s niform, la;ily
#tting on her make# and
varios si;;;;;le steaks< and ask me a)ot s#erchocolatesndaes< )ttons% I,d
throw down my
)ack#ack and take my #lace on the coch, where we,d share a )owl, smoke some
cigarettes ?I was
)ying my own #acks now@, and watch General Hos#ital, some slea;y talk show, or
another infomercial%
&his, of corse, sally made me lose any motivation I had for cheerleading% If I
even made it to #ractice
afterward7
and increasingly, I didn,t7I was sally so tired and la;y it was all I cold do to go
throgh
the motions%
&he only thing worthwhile a)ot #ractice was that I got to see Dina, who was
crrently em)roiled in one
of her trademark mcky love triangles% &his one involved her 3arter)ack, Bill
*kerrit, a nice aw4shcks
kind of gy who honestly )elieved he and Dina were going to get married, and the
college4)oy shoe
salesman, Jeff, who Dina had met a month earlier when she,d gone to retrn a #air of
#latform sandals%
Bill *kerrit had already )oght Dina a friendshi# ring, which she wasn,t wearing,
and Jeff was a dog and
never called her when he said he wold% /f corse, she was mad for him%
-/h, God,- she,d say to me as we sat otside the gym after #ractice%
-I don,t want to )e like this, yo
know1-
-Like what1- I,d say%
-Like sch a total )itch% I mean, #oor Bill, yo know1-
Bill, who assmed he and Dina were )oth saving themselves for marriage, had not
the slightest inkling
that she was, ahem, involved with Jeff% I,d only met him once, at the mall% He was
tall, with a )ig flo##y
shock of )lond hair he was always getting ot of his face )y .erking his head
sddenly to the side,
whi#lash4style% Dina fond this incredi)ly se(y% It made me nervos%
$ring all of this I was also s#ending as mch time as I cold with Dogerson, who
still com#lained that I
wasn,t arond enogh% "y grades ke#t sli##ing as he talked me into going ot with
him every night,
always sweet4talking me into it the same way he coa(ed me ot of the hose% And
the nights when he .st
showed #, not talking, .st wanting me to sit with him while he recovered from
something he woldn,t
even discss, )ecame more and more fre3ent% I noticed )rises on his face, red
marks and #ffiness
arond his eyes, )t he shrgged off my concern, dodging it graceflly, again% I felt
des#erately
hel#less,
na)le to #rotect him from some awfl force I coldn,t even name% It ke#t me #
nights, long after I,d
watched him drive away%
I was rnning from one #ro)lem or #lace to another, with no time left to stdy, or
slee#, or .st )reathe%
I felt #lled in all directions, fighting to kee# all these o)ligations circling in the air
a)ove me% It was only a
matter of time )efore something fell%
====================================
It was the Friday of the 5inter Athletic Ceremony that it ha##ened%
After last #eriod I was s##osed
to go to a cheerleading meeting,
then home to meet Dogerson, who wanted me to go to the mall to hel#
him )y a )irthday gift for his mother% After that, I wold retrn
home to shower, change, and ride )ack
to school with my #arents
and Boo and *tewart for the ceremony, where I,d get a corsage from some
foot)all #layer% &his wold )e followed )y s all sitting throgh an endlessly )oring
s#eech )y 0rinci#al
Hawthorne detailing the -virte of com#etition- and the -lessons we learn from
teamwork-
that we,d all
heard the year )efore, and the year )efore that, while we waited for Cass to get her
tro#hies% Finally I
wold )e given a chea# #la3e, my mother wold take a)ot a do;en #ictres ?in all
of which I wold
have a #artial7or no7head@ and somehow, eventally,
it wold )e over%
By H:>K, it was clear I needed something to hel# me get throgh this% I drove to
Corinna,s with one eye
on the clock, .st wanting a few mintes of #eace%
5hen I got there she was in her niform7today, her )tton said s#er steaks< the
new sensation<7and
rolling change on the coffee
ta)le while watching rerns of the +ewlywed Game%
-I have to make at least a hndred )cks tonight after ti##ing ot,- she e(#lained as I
sat down, taking
the )owl as she #assed it to me, the lighter )alanced on to# of it% +ow she didn,t even
)other to ask me
)efore she #acked it7we had a rotine, a system% Dogerson had even )egn to give
me my own small
s##ly of #ot, as well as a )owl, tiny and white ceramic with a wi;ard #ainted on its
ti#% 5ith it, my )ag,
cigarettes, and a lighter, I was like Bar)ie all over again, .st with different
accessories%
+ow Corinna e(haled, )lowing ot smoke as she stacked #ennies, tcking her hair
)ehind her ear%
-$ave,s ot of work at least till ne(t week and the #ower )ill,s de "onday% 0ls I
wrote a check for
groceries
that,s gonna )once if I don,t de#osit something tonight%-
I took the )owl and lit it, watching as one of the co#les on the &8 won a new
)edroom site% &he
woman had seventies hair, all hair4s#ray and feathered )angs, and was .m#ing #
and down, kissing the
host% -I,m sorry,- I said% -&hat scks%-
-2eah, well,- she said, #iling #ennies into a roll and twisting the ends sht% -5e,ll
make it somehow% 5e
always do%-
Corinna always seemed to )e working, )t I never cold 3ite figre
ot what $ave did, e(actly% He
seemed to do some car#entry work, sometimes, and for a week or two he worked at
the Bik Ci#,
selling gas and cigarettes on the night shift% "ore often, however, he was in the ne(t
room slee#ing,
where I cold hear him snoring sometimes
as Corinna and I s#oke in whis#ers so as not to wake him% I
was learning that with $ave, as with Dogerson, it was )est .st not to ask 3estions%
After we,d finished smoking I glanced at the clock: for shar#% &he meeting was
)eginning, and I cold
.st see Chelsea Do))ins taking her s#ot in front of the assem)led s3ad, decreeing
who wold )e
escorted
)y which foot)all #layer at the )an3et% It seemed like a long way )ack to school,
sddenly,
and I wondered if anyone had noticed yet that I wasn,t there%
Corinna looked # from stacking dimes% -Aren,t yo late for #ractice1-
I thoght of "ike Avans #inning a corsage on my chest and leading
me to the stage while my mother
sna##ed #ictres that wold never come ot% -+o#e,- I said, settling )ack into the
coch% -$on,t have it
today%-
*he #icked # the remote and fli##ed a few stations ntil the #hone rang, leaving it
on a commercial for
car wa( as she got # to snatch the cordless off the to# of the &8% *he walked into
the kitchen,
lowering
her voice, as I heard $ave mm)le something, aslee#, from )ehind
the half4o#en door to my
right that led to the )edroom%
&hen I heard msic I recogni;ed% It was yet another Lamont 5hi##er
rern coming on% It was so
#o#lar that now they,d added yet another
showing, making my mother that mch ha##ier% I watched as
the camera ;oomed in on Lamont himself, holding his micro#hone% He annonced
the day,s
to#ic7-Better Dn 5hile 2o Can, ,Case 2o,ve Been "essing with "y "an<-
Cass was standing
)ehind him%
*he was wearing a )rown sweater and .eans, her hair # and twisted into a hasty )n
)ehind her head,
held in #lace with a #encil, the old Boo trick% *he was holding a cli#)oard, her eyes
glancing 3ickly
arond the stdio, checking something I coldn,t see% As her ga;e moved across the
adience, she stared
right into the camera for one instant, and it was sddenly like she was looking right
at me% And as she did,
she lifted a finger and smoothed it across her eye)row, trning her head slightly%
I felt a slow, cree#ing chill crawl # the )ack of my neck .st as Corinna came )ack
throgh the door,
trning the #hone off with an angry .a) of her finger% -/h, so listen to this cra#% &he
five4thirty wait called
in sick with a freakin, hangover, so I,m on my own till si(% /n a Friday, no less%- *he
sighed, sitting )ack
down and shaking a cigarette
ot of the o#en #ack ne(t to her stacks of coins% -Can yo )elieve that1-
-+o,- I said softly, as the camera switched angles to focs on the first gest, a hge
)lack woman in a
)rightly #rinted #antsit% I lit a cigarette and drew in hard, my vision s#inning for a
second%
-5hatever% I have got to get ot of this cra##y .o)% It,s a)ot to kill me%- Corinna
glanced at the &8%
-5hat,s this1-
-Lamont 5hi##er,- I said%
-/h, I hate that show,- she moaned, #icking # the remote% -It,s like white trash on
#arade% $o yo mind
if I change7-
-5ait,- I said 3ickly, as the camera shot )ack to Lamont, who was now asking a
thin )lond woman in
a Harley4$avidson &4shirt her o#inion% -Jst one second%-
And there was Cass again, this time scri))ling something on her cli#)oard while a
gy in head#hones
leaned down to whis#er something
in her ear% &hen she smiled, shaking her head, and I thoght of my
mother sitting at home, her chair #lled # to the screen, smiling )ack%
-Caitlin,- Corinna said% *he was watching my face% -5hat is it1-
+ow, on4screen, Cass glanced )ack #, )rshing her )angs ot of her face with the
)ack of her hand%
-&hat,s my sister,- I said 3ietly%
-5here1-
-Dight there% Against the wall, in the )rown,- I said as Cass hgged the cli#)oard
against her chest%
-/h, man, really1- Corinna said, leaning in closer to stdy the screen% -Look at that%
5ow% 2o never
even said yo had a sister%-
&hat was strange% Cass had always )een sch a )ig #art of what I was, )t I hadn,t
mentioned her7not
even once% I wondered what she wold think if she really cold look throgh the &8
and see me sitting
there stoned, not recogni;ing the girl )eside me or the #lace I was or even, may)e,
me% I thoght of the
other Cassandra, the one she,d )een named for, the girl who cold see her own
ftre% And I wondered
if this ftre7Lamont 5hi##er and Adam and +ew 2ork and leaving s )ehind7
was the one she,d
seen for herself% /r for me%
-It,s so weird,- Corinna was saying, still watching the screen% -*he looks .st like
yo% *he cold )e yo,
yo know1-
&he camera ct away 3ickly, as the woman in the )right #antsit res#onded to some
comment from the
adience% 5hen they went )ack to Lamont, Cass was gone%
-I know,- I told Corinna, and for once I was the only one who knew how ntre it
really was% -I know%-
====================================
I knew how mch Dogerson hated to wait% &he only time I,d ever seen him lose his
tem#er was when
$ave was set to meet s at his hose and showed # thirty mintes late% Dogerson
was #nctal to the
second%
*o I left Corinna,s at for4thirty4five, which gave me ten mintes to get across town
to my hose to meet
him% I was sitting at the light )y the high school, nervosly watching the clock, when
I saw Dina a few
cars ahead of me% *he,d ct the one class we had together, in fifth #eriod,
)t it was .st like her to ski#
school )t show # for cheerleading
#ractice% Dina, for all her )ad .dgment, was sr#risingly
de#enda)le%
5atching her, even from three cars )ack, I cold tell something was wrong% *he was
smoking and ke#t
fiddling with her radio, reaching
# every few seconds to wi#e her eyes with her shirtsleeve or rn her
fingers throgh her hair% Avery once in a while she,d start singing along with the
radio, slamming her hand
on the steering wheel to em#hasi;e
one chors or line, and then her sholders wold start shaking%
It was clear% Dina was driving and crying%
After every crisis, )reak# or )lowot, the first thing Dina did was )olt to her car%
*he,d crank # the
stereo and start on her standard loo#7ot #ast the high school into the contry,
across the highway to
&o##er Lake, where she,d #ark at one of the overlooks and feel tortred
for a while% &hen she,d circle
throgh a few of her old neigh)orhoods,
drive )y her second ste#dad,s hose to crse his front yard,
and go home% It wasn,t really a)ot where she went, in my o#inion: It was the
motion she liked, which
#revented .st a)ot everyone from seeing her )eing weak% I, however, had s#end
endless nights riding
shotgn, listening to one of her many mi( ta#es of lost loveJdone me wrongJscrew
yo songs and
watching scenery rsh )y, her hicc#ing so)s .st )arely adi)le nder the msic
and the sond of the
wind coming throgh my window%
+ow, I knew I was )arely going to make it to meet Dogerson on time as it was% Dina
hadn,t seen me,
and from the looks of things she,d already done the contry and was headed ot to
the lake% Bt as I
watched her #nch in the car cigarette lighter with a .a) of her hand, then wi#e her
eyes, I .st coldn,t go
home%
5hen the light finally changed I managed to #ll # )eside her after dodging arond
an elderly woman in
a Ctlass with a handica##ed
sticker, who #rom#tly fli##ed me off%
-Dina<- I shoted, )t the radio was # lod7something sad and gooey7and she
didn,t hear me% I hit
the horn, twice, startling the minivan with a 0ro4Choice sticker in front of me, which
3ickly changed
lanes% 5e ke#t crising neck and neck, with Dina fll4ot )awling now, singing
along with the radio, tears
rnning down her face, com#letely o)livios to )oth me and the s#eed limit% i
reached nder my seat and
searched arond ntil I came # with an em#ty #lastic Coke )ottle, which I then
hrled at her windshield%
*he .erked )ack from the wheel as it )onced off, then whi##ed her head arond,
eyes wide, and finally
saw me%
-*hit<- she screamed, rtting the atomatic window control to o#en the one nearest
me% -5hat the hell
yo are doing1-
-0ll over,- I yelled )ack% &here was a Bik Ci# coming # on the left% *he shot me
an evil look, hit her
trn signal, and took a wide arc into the #arking lot, coming to an a)r#t sto# in
front of a #ay #hone% I
#lled # )ehind her%
-2o cold have killed me,- she sna##ed, slamming her door as she got ot% *he was
wearing a f;;y
sweater, )lack skirt, and tights, her hair tm)ling over her sholders% A gro# of
#)lic works gys, all in
)right orange vests, hollered at her as they drove #ast, circling the gas #m#s%
-I was worried a)ot yo,- I said% -5hat ha##ened1-
*he sighed, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning )ack against her car% -It,s
all,- she )egan,
dramatically, -over%-
It was for4fifty! I was officially late% And Dina always took her time e(#laining
herself% -Is this a)ot
Bill1- I asked%
*he nodded, drawing ot a #iece of hair and twisting it arond her finger% -Last
night,- she )egan, -I
went to meet Jeff at the 2ogrt 0aradise
at the mall dring his )reak to discss or relationshi#%-
-Dight,- I said, trying to move her along% I cold .st see Doger4son sitting in front
of my hose%
-And we did .st talk7for the most #art% Bt then at the end, yo know, things got a
little #hysical7-
-At the 2ogrt 0aradise1- I said%
-5e were .st kissing,- she sna##ed% -God% Bt, as lck wold of corse have it, Bill
.st ha##ened to
)e walking )y on his way to the cafeteria and saw s%-
-2ikes%-
-/h, it gets )etter% He was with his entire family, Caitlin,- she said in a low voice, as
tears filled her eyes
again% *he looked down at her hands, #icking at a #inky nail% -It was his Granny
+nell,s )irthday% *he,s,
like, ninety% I met her a few weeks ago and she loved me% Bt yo shold have seen
the look she shot me
last night% &he woman has a walker, )t she meant me harm% +o do)t a)ot it%-
-/ch,- I said, trying to )e s)tle in taking a glance at my watch: five mintes had
#assed%
-*o I,m .st )sted,- she said, wi#ing her eyes% -I mean, there,s his ant Camille, and
his mom and dad,
his Gran4Gran7-
-Gran4Gran1-
-7and Bill, who is .st staring at me, and I,m sitting there with Jeff,s hand on my
leg% He didn,t even say
anything% He .st walked away% It was awfl% &erri)le%- *he crossed her arms again,
tossing her hair ot
of her face, Jeff4style% -*o of corse I can,t face him at school today% Bt I figre I
can,t miss the s3ad
meeting, so I sneak in the )ack door%-
-I missed it,- I told her%
-+o kidding% And as yor friend,- she added, changing tacks to )ecome all )siness,
-I shold tell yo
that yo need to )e watching yor )ack% &here was a vote today, and everyone )t
me was in favor of a
confrontation a)ot yor level of serios commitment to the school and the s3ad%-
-/h, God,- I said% A cheerleading intervention% Jst what I needed% And now, it was
five after five% Bt
Dogerson wold nderstand% He knew a)ot the ceremony% 5e cold )y the #resent
tomorrow%
-*o anyway,- Dina said, flicking her wrist as she switched gears again, -Bill was
waiting for me after the
meeting%-
-5hat did he say1-
-5hat cold he say1- she wailed% -He asked for his ring )ack%- *he #t her hand on
her throat, where
the silver chain now hng em#ty, kinked a little )it from where the ring had )een%
-He gave me )ack my
#ictres and that shirt I gave him for his )irthday% And then %%%- And she sto##ed,
waving her hand in front
of her face, na)le
to contine%
I waited% By now, I knew Dogerson was leaving my hose, gnning # the street,
wondering where I
was% I cold feel a slow )rn starting
in my stomach%
-% % % then,- she )egan again, catching her )reath, -he told me he was disa##ointed in
me% 5hich was,
like, the worst% I mean, call me a )itch, or even a slt, that I can handle, yo know1
Bt to say that%%% that
was .st mean%- *he crossed her arms over her chest, looking down at her feet, eyes
closed% It was
starting to get dark, the lights of the Bik Ci# )right and warm )ehind her%
I walked over and #t my arm arond her sholder, leaning my head against hers%
-He wasn,t right for
yo anyway,- I told her, like I had so many times )efore% -He was too7-
-7good,- she finished for me, and laghed, still crying a little )it% -Good men .st
don,t sit me%-
-&hat,s right,- I said, )rshing her hair ot of her face% -&hat,s e(actly
right%-
I stayed there with her for a while longer, letting her cry and saying all those )est
friend things72o,ll )e
okay, $on,t worry, I,m here, Let it ot, *crew him7while the Bik Ci# )stled with
#eo#le #m#ing
gas and rshing home, the smell of hot dogs wafting ot each time the door was
#shed o#en, mi(ing with
the strangely warm $ecem)er
)ree;e% Bt all the while, my mind was on Dogerson, seeing him in my
mind driving across town, angry and wondering why I, too, had somehow let him
down%
====================================
5hen I got home it was si( o,clock, Dogerson was nowhere in sight, and my #arents
were finishing
dinner with Boo and *tewart% &he whole hose smelled like steak and the Lamont
5hi##er *how was
on, mted, in the living room%
-Honey, where have yo )een1- my mother asked, trning arond in her chair as I
came # the stairs% -I
was getting worried% &he ceremony
starts in less than an hor and if we want to get a good #arking
#lace%%%-
-Are yo hngry1- Boo said, reaching over to #oke at something in a casserole dish
with a )ig wooden
s#oon% -&here,s #lenty of tem#eh goat cheese salad left here%-
-I laid ot that )le dress for yo to wear and )oght yo some new #anty hose,- my
mother added%
-2o shold hrry and take a shower, thogh, )ecase yo really ct it close )y7-
-I know,- I said, already kicking off my shoes as I headed into my room% I was .st
a)ot to sht the
door )ehind me when my mother yelled one last thing%
-Dogerson came )y looking for yo,- she called ot over my father
and *tewart talking% -He seemed to
think yo two had #lans for this afternoon%-
I eased my door o#en, sticking my head )ack ot% -5hat else did he say1-
*he shrgged, da))ing at her moth with her na#kin% -I told him yo,d )e )ack soon
)ecase of the
ceremony% And he said that he,d call yo later%-
-/h,- i said% -/kay% &hanks%- I sht my door slowly, telling myself
that all this time I,d )een worried for
nothing% 5e were .st going sho##ing, anyway% He nderstood% It was no )ig deal%
====================================
&he ceremony was .st as I e(#ected: endless tro#hies, a flimsy certificate,
and a corsage for me% Dina
had recovered, at least tem#orarily,
and was com#letely com#osed as she was escorted to the stage
and or seats there, in a 3ick rearrangement, )y a defensive )ack% Bill escorted
Ali;a $rake, while
I7for #nishment, clearly7was #aired with the field4goal kicker, a short gy
named &had 5icker who
resem)led a short, st))y, chewed4on #encil with )ad )reath and a sins condition%
Dogerson showed # .st as 0rinci#al Hawthorne was making his final s#eech% I saw
the door o#en, .st
a crack, and he sli##ed in and leaned against the wall% I was so sr#rised to see him,
ha##y he was even
interested enogh to come% His hair was wet7the warm weather had trned to rain,
sddenly, as we
drove to the ceremony7and he was glancing arond the room and the crowd,
looking for me% 5hen he
saw me he lifted his chin, then glanced arond the room and stck his hands in his
#ockets%
-A lot of #eo#le,- 0rinci#al Hawthorne was saying, -sometimes 3estion the vale of
s#orts in an
edcation% For me, the facts are clear%%%%-
I,d only known Dogerson for three months, )t I cold recogni;e instantly the s)tle
signs of him growing
irritated: I,d )een to enogh #arties where I,d felt him watching me, im#atient, even
as I tried to #ll
myself away from Dina so we cold leave% And I knew he only looked at his watch
when he thoght his
time was )eing wasted% I started to get a strange sense that may)e the afternoon had
)een a )ig deal,
after all%
0rinci#al Hawthorne ke#t talking and all I cold do was .st sit there, watching
Dogerson as he fidgeted,
glancing arond, )ored% He checked his watch again% *hifted his feet% Brshed his
hand across his head%
Checked his watch%
-And so, on )ehalf of Jackson High *chool I wold like to thank all of these fine
athletes and their
families for a great season% %%%-
I looked at 0rinci#al Hawthorne, willing him to finish, even as he gri##ed the lectern
harder, his voice
rising across the faces in the adience%
Beside me Dina #inched my leg, then smiled at me when I
glanced at her% I smiled )ack, still listening, and knotted the hem of my dress # tight
in my fist, s3ee;ing
it hard%
Hawthorne wold not sht #% -I thank yo for yor hard work, yor school s#irit,
and yor good
s#ortsmanshi#% 5e are very, very #rod%-
Dina was still smiling% *he nodded at Dogerson, and when I looked )ack to where
he,d )een standing,
.st seconds )efore, the door was swinging sht and he was gone%
-&hank yo and have a good evening<- And everyone started cla##ing, the
aditorim seeming hotter
than ever as I got # ot of my chair and #shed off the stage, down the ste#s #ast
the swarms and clogs
of #eo#le%
-Caitlin, honey,- my mother called ot, and then she was right in front of me, with
Boo )eside her% -Let,s
get a #ictre of yo in that )eatifl corsage%-
I stood there, forcing myself to smile%
-/h, dear,- she said, #lling down the camera to e(amine it% -&his isn,t working, for
some reason% 5hy
isn,t this working1- Boo leaned over to hel#, )oth of them )ending over it%
-Lens ca#,- I said% &here were all these )odies )rshing #ast me, and the aditorim
was so hot: I cold
smell someone sweating%
-5hat1- my mother said%
-&he lens ca#,- I said, reaching over and #lling it off% -&here%-
-5ell, "argaret, I,m glad to see yo,ve learned so mch in #hotogra#hy
class,- Boo said, smiling at me%
-/h, goodness<- my mother said, laghing as she ste##ed )ack to set # her shot% -I
always do that,
don,t I1-
I nodded, feeling a hot flsh crawl # my neck%
-+ow, that,s )etter % % % okay< *mile, Caitlin% *mile<-
I was smiling% And sweating% I had to go% &he flash #o##ed in front of my eyes and I
saw stars%
-It was a nice ceremony,- *tewart said as he came # )eside me, as if I,d #lanned it
myself% -8ery
#lifting%-
-*how s yor certificate,- my mother said, #rodding me in rhe el)ow%
I handed it to her! I,d forgotten I
was even holding it% -Isn,t that nice1 Jack, isn,t this nice1-
"y father, who was standing a few seats down looking hot and ncomforta)le in a
tie I,d given him .st
a few years ago, green with dark )lack stri#es, glanced at it and said, -+ice%-
-I have to go,- I said 3ickly% -Dogerson,s here, so I,ll .st get a ride home with him,
okay1-
-5ell, I don,t know,- my mother said in a worried voice, looking at my father% -I
thoght we,d have
coffee and dessert )ack at the hose%-
-Let her go,- my father said, ready to leave himself% -&he traffic,s gonna )e terri)le%
5e shold get
going%-
-5ell, all right%%%- my mother said in a light voice, trailing off again% *he glanced
again at my father, as if
wanting him to intervene, )t he already had his coat and was heading to the aisle%
-Bt, Caitlin, do try to
come )ack to the hose, so we can all cele)rate together% /kay1-
-/kay%- I was starting to feel di;;y%
-Let,s go,- my father, who had a low tolerance for crowds, re#eated%
He loosened his tie as he )rshed
#ast me, the crease in his forehead already folding in on itself% &he room was hot and
smelled like
#erfme mi(ed with sweat and #eo#le and dsty school heat%
-8ery nice,- *tewart said to me again as we walked # the aisle, with Boo and my
mother )ehind s% I
was hardly listening, my eyes on the crowd otside the door% -5e,re very #rod of
yo, Caitlin% Deally%-
-&hanks,- I said, ste##ing to the side to let a )ig fat lady in a #ink sit )etween s%
/nce she #assed I,d
lost sight of *tewart and everyone
else, so I sli##ed ot the door and into the warm, moist air%
I fond Dogerson #arked down )y the soccer fields% I knocked on the #assenger side
window and he
looked at me, then waited a second )efore leaning over and nlocking the door%
I got in, sht the door, then leaned over to kiss him on the cheek, )t he #lled )ack,
trning his head
away from me% &he radio was #laying7his msic7)t this time I didn,t change the
station%
-5hat,s wrong1- I said%
-+othing%-
/tside, it was raining again, )ig dro#s s#lattering across the windshield% -I,m sorry
the )an3et ran
long,- I said% -I really coldn,t do anything a)ot it%-
-5hatever,- he said, rnning the ti#s of his fingers over the steering
wheel% He still hadn,t looked at me%
-5here were yo this afternoon1-
-/h, God,- I said% -I ran into Dina and she was, like, having this enormos crisis%
*he )lew it with Bill,
finally% Got totally )sted%- And I laghed, )t the lagh sonded weird, like it was
too heavy and .st fell%
-/h,- he said, shifting in his seat% -I waited for yo for a long time%- He was looking
straight ahead, to the
soccer fields% I cold see the rain falling sideways in the )right lights there%
-I,m sorry,- I said% -*he was all #set, and the time .st got away from me% /kay1-
-5hatever%- And he kind of smiled at me, like he was ready to let it go% Like it was
all right, we were
okay now%
5e .st sat there for a minte, )oth of s looking at the rain as it fell harder on the
windshield%
-It,s .st that I wondered where yo were,- he said, then dcked his head, #icking at
a seam on the
steering wheel% -*ince yo said yo,d )e there and all%-
&he thing is that I thoght we were okay% He had smiled at me, and I,d let ot a )ig
)reath, assming it
was over% +ow, as he )roght it # again, I sto##ed thinking and got careless%
-/h, come on,- I said, reaching over #layflly to knock him on the knee% -$on,t )e
sch a )ig )a)y%-
5hen he hit me, I didn,t see it coming% It was .st a 3ick )lr, a flash ot of the
corner of my eye, and
then the side of my face .st e(#loded,
)rning, as his hand slammed against me%
&he noise it made was a crack, like a gnshot% And it wasn,t like in the movies,
where the #erson .st
stands there and takes it% I reeled )ack, hitting my head against my seat% "y ears
were ringing, my face
flshed, and already, instantly, I had tears in my eyes%
I said, ot lod, -/h, my God%-
-$on,t ever fcking talk to me that way,- he said in a very low, 3iet voice% &hen he
started the engine,
slammed it into reverse, and fishtailed down the dirt #arking lot )efore hitting traffic%
5e crawled down
the slo#e of the main lot to the road, a line of )rake lights lit # in front of s%
I had my hand on my cheek, holding it there% "y face felt strange and tight and I
was gri##ing the door
handle with my other hand, as if that was all that was kee#ing me from flying loose
from my seat and #
into the air% I concentrated hard on the car in front of s, a )le Honda Accord with a
)m#er sticker that
said I Love "y *cottish &errier< I read it again and again, saying the words in my
head%
*omeone started )ee#ing% &raffic was )ad, all )acked #% Doger4son trned on the
wi#ers as it started
raining harder, the dro#s )ig and rond, s#lashing as they hit the windshield%
-5hat the fck is taking so long1- he said nder his )reath, looking
over the car in front of s% -Jess%-
I still had my hand on my face% I was trying not to cry )t the tears came anyway,
)m#ing over my
fingers and down the )ack of my hand, and I tried to think of something safe% Bt all
I cold come #
with was trivia%
5hat are sometimes called "inor 0lanets1 Asteroids% 5hat is sea)orgim1 A new
transranim
element% 5hat does a s#hygmomanometer
measre1 Blood #ressre%
All the cars were going off to the median, heading arond something%
/ne )y one they #lled aside,
)m#ing across the grass and gravel% As we got closer I cold see it was my #arents,
car in the middle
of the road% "y father was )ehind the wheel, one hand r))ing his forehead, while
my mother sat )eside
him% *tewart was in the )ackseat,
the door o##osite him o#en And then, as we crawled arond them, I
saw Boo%
*he was croching in the road, her )raid hanging over her sholder%
&hen she stood #, hands c##ed
and e(tended in front of her% *he was holding something%
&he rain was coming down very hard now, in sheets, )t Boo moved slowly,
carrying whatever it was
very gently% As we wond #ast her, I looked )ack and saw her )end down )y the side
of the road% *he
#t her hands into the grass, releasing what she,d )een carrying, what she had saved%
It was a trtle,
)roght ot )y the nseasona)le rain and into #eril )y )lind instinct% Boo stood #,
hands on her hi#s,
watching
as it made its way over the grass, to its intended destination, as the cars honked and
the
#eo#le crsed and Dogerson, disgsted, gnned the engine across the grass median
and )ack onto the
road, while my face still )rned nder my hand%
-Cra;y )itch,- he said%
Bt as we trned right, onto the main road home, all I cold think of as we s#ed
away was how it mst
feel to )e srronded )y those whi;;ing cars and find yorself sddenly lifted and
carried, safe, to the
comfort of that tall, cool grass%
====================================
5e didn,t talk a)ot what ha##ened% Instead, we went to "c$onald,s,
.st like it was any other night,
where Dogerson had a Big "ac and )oght me a milkshake withot me even asking
him to% &hen he
drove me home, his hand on my leg, #laying my radio station like nothing had
ha##ened, nothing at all% It
seemed so cra;y to me, like may)e I had dreamed it, somehow, )t each time I
toched my fingers to
my face the swelling and tenderness there reminded me it was real%
Dogerson #arked in front of my hose, then sr#rised me )y reaching
over and kissing me very
tenderly, c##ing my chin in his hand% And as mch as I hated to admit it7it seemed
im#ossi)le, .st so
wrong7I felt that rsh that always came when he toched me or kissed me, the one
that made me feel
nsteady and wonderfl all at once%
-I love yo,- he said, #lling )ack and looking very directly into my eyes% His were
so green, like the
ocean nderwater: 5hen he,d )een angry, earlier, they seemed almost )lack%
-/kay1-
It was the first time he,d said it, and nder other circmstances it wold have )een
im#ortant% Bt now,
all I cold think a)ot was the #ain in my face% "y tem#le was still thro))ing, my
eye swollen .st enogh
that when I )linked it stng% And I missed Cass so mch, sddenly,
wanted to walk # the ste#s to my
hose and find her there, ready to smooth one finger over my eye)row, her face
close to mine% Close
enogh to see what had ha##ened, withot me even having to say it ot lod%
Dogerson was focsed on me% It was as if he was asking me to make a #act with him,
to get or stories
straight% He )rshed his finger
across the )ack of my hand, gently% All the way home he,d ke#t toching
me, so careflly, as if he had to kee# me somehow connected to him or I,d .st drift
away%
I cold have .st gotten ot of the cat and walked # to my hose, leaving him
)ehind forever% &hings
wold have )een very different if I had done that% Bt the fact was that I loved
Dogerson% It wasn,t .st
that I loved him, even: it was that I loved what I was when I was with him% +ot a
little sister, the #retty
girl,s sidekick, the second rnner4#% All I,d ever wanted was to make my own #ath,
far from Cass,s%
And even after what had ha##ened, I wasn,t ready to give that # .st yet%
-/kay,- I said to him, and when he kissed me again I closed my eyes, feeling the
slight sting there, like a
#in#rick, nothing more%
He stayed in front of my hose, engine rnning, as I walked # the ste#s% I cold feel
him watching me
and wondered if he was worried whether I,d kee# # my end of or )argain% *till, I
coldn,t shake the
image of his face, so dark and angry, his hand coming at me, with no time to sto# it
or get ot of the way%
It was like he,d )ecome a different
#erson, a monster from a nightmare%
He didn,t drive away ntil I,d closed the front door )ehind me% I took a dee# )reath
and started # the
stairs, not even sre yet what story I wold tell when my mother saw my face and
flew into a #anic%
5hen I got to the to# of the stairs, I cold see her standing in the kitchen, cltching
the #hone to her ear,
the cord wra##ed arond her wrist% "y father was standing in front of the
refrigerator, arms crossed
against his chest, his eyes on my mother as she s#oke, haltingly, her voice seeming
to echo lightly off the
ca)inets and )right, shiny floor% +either of them saw me%
-/h, )a)y,- my mother was saying, one hand rising, shaking, to toch her own
cheek% -I,m so glad yo
called%-
"y father shifted his weight, the worried crease easing into and ot of his forehead,
)t he never took
his eyes off my mother,s face% Behind him, on the conter, were for coffee c#s,
a)andoned, as well as
a #late of ntoched )rownies%
-/h, honey, no% +o% 5e,re not mad,- my mother said softly, wi#ing
her eyes and looking )ack at my
father, a mild smile on her face% -5e were .st worried a)ot yo, that,s all% 5e .st
wanted to )e sre %%%
that yo were okay%- Her voice cracked, slightly% -I know, sweetie% I know%-
I walked into the living room and sat down in my father,s chair, looking at the row of
dolls lined #
arond the &8% &hey stared )ack at me, o#en4mothed, their ga;es dll and gray, as I
reached # and
toched my eye, feeling the slight #ffiness there%
-5e love yo too, Cass,- my mother said, her voice choked% -5e .st didn,t want to
lose yo, honey% I
coldn,t stand to lose yo%-
I heard the #atio door slide o#en, then footste#s as my father walked ot onto the
deck% A )ree;e )lew
in7hot and sticky4wet7)efore the door slid sht again% 5hen I looked otside,
throgh the glass, he
was standing with his )ack to me, looking # at the few stars visi)le throgh the
fast4moving clods%
"y mother sniffled, listening as Cass s#oke% &hen she laghed, once, and said,
-5e,ve got time, honey%
0lenty of time to tell s everything,
when yo,re ready%-
I closed my eyes, seeing Dogerson again in my mind, his eyes )lack as his hand
lashed ot, the #ain
s#reading so sddenly from my cheek to my tem#le% I hadn,t even seen it coming,
hadn,t even had a
chance to move aside%
"y mother was talking, laghing, as I cre#t )ack down the stain and sli##ed ot the
front door, easing it
sht )ehind me% I didn,t even know where I was going7Dina,s rote, may)e7as I
started my car and
#lled ot onto the street, my headlights ctting a swath across the hose% I .st
drove, one hand cradling
my face, ntil I finally trned into the #arking lot at A##le)ee,s%
I cold see Corinna inside, sitting at the )ar, legs crossed, smoking a cigarette and
conting a stack of
money, her hair twisted # in a )n% &he )artender slid a drink over to her, and she
looked # at him,
smiling, then tcked a loose strand of hair )ehind her ear, her )racelets sliding down
her arm%
5hen I walked inside I had no idea of what my face looked like: I still hadn,t seen a
mirror% Bt when
the )artender nodded at me and Corinna trned arond, her moth dro##ed o#en, her
eyes widening%
-/h, my God,- she said, standing # and coming over to me% *he reached ot and
toched my eye and I
flinched, my own hand rising to #sh her away% -5hat ha##ened to yo, Caitlin1-
Bt I coldn,t tell her% Instead, I .st let her walk me to the )ar and sit me down
)efore she wra##ed her
arms arond me, drawing my face to her sholder% *he smelled like fried food and
grilled #e##ers as she
drew her fingers throgh my hair, telling me it was all right, all right now%
Cha#ter I
$ec% >H
5hat,s )een ha##ening is so strange, like it isn,t even
$ec% >9
Last night something ha##ened with Dogerson% He got so angry at me, and he
$ec% >9
I don,t even know where to start )t
&his wasn,t working%
I closed my dream .ornal, sitting )ack across my #illows in the slant of streetlight
coming throgh the
window% *ince the night of the winter )an3et I,d tried again and again to #t down
in words or even say
alod .st to myself what had ha##ened with Dogerson% &he e(cses had come
easily: to my #arents,
Corinna, and Dina, I,d gotten )m#ed )y a stray el)ow as I made my way throgh
the )an3et crowd%
&he trth was harder%
I was afraid of forgetting% It seemed too easy% Already life was )ack to normal7I
was lost in midterms
and cheering #ractice and long, gray winter afternoons at Corinna,s% Bt when
Dogerson and I were at
the #ool hose, inching ever closer to the inevita)le, I,d feel his fingers
slide # my arm, or crve arond
my neck and )e lost in it, only to feel a sdden .olt as I remem)ered% His face, so
angry, glaring at me%
&hat s#lit second as his hand moved toward me, too 3ickly for me to even
com#rehend what was a)ot
to ha##en%
Bt then he,d kiss me harder, and I,d go nder again%
"y mother, meanwhile, was almost giddy after her one conversation
with Cass, who had still made it
clear that she wanted to take things slowly: In two weeks she hadn,t yet called )ack%
"y mother was ho#ing she wold for Christmas Ave% &his, alone, .st the
#ossi)ility, was making the
holidays more )eara)le for all of s% Before Cass )roke down nder endless #leading
letters and #hone
messages, my mother hadn,t even )egn to #re#are for her favorite of holidays: no
eggnog, no tinsel, not
even a tree% &he day after Cass called, I came home to find her )aking snowman
cookies and wra##ing
gifts, with Bar)ra *treisand singing -*ilent +ight- in the )ackgrond%
From what I cold make of it, Cass hadn,t e(#lained mch when she called% *he said
she missed s, and
that she was ha##y% &hat she liked her .o)% &hat she ho#ed we cold nderstand that
this was what she
wanted% 2ale was not mentioned, and she didn,t give my mother her #hone nm)er%
-*he needs time,- my father ke#t saying, each time the #hone rang and my mother
ran to it, her face
falling the instant she didn,t hear Cass,s voice on the other end of the line% -*he,ll
come arond%-
-I .st don,t nderstand why she doesn,t want to )e in contact with s,- my mother
ke#t saying% -*he
didn,t even talk to Caitlin%-
Bt the trth was, I wasn,t ready to talk to Cass yet% I had a secret now, one I cold
kee# from
everyone else% Bt I worried that Cass, even over the #hone, wold recogni;e
something different in my
voice% *he knew me too well%
Life was going on% I didn,t even have a scar, this time, to remind me of what
ha##ened% Bt sometimes,
when I glanced sideways at Dogerson in the car, or right )efore I fell aslee# at night,
I wold have a
sdden flash of his face again, how it had literally changed right )efore
my eyes% And even as life settled
)ack to normal, and we never discssed it, there was a #art of me waiting, always
)raced and ready for
him to do it again%
====================================
"y mother, Boo, and I had or final #hotogra#hy class )efore the holidays the last
*atrday )efore
Christmas% 5e,d .st finished develo#ing
what or instrctor, "atthew, called or -#eo#le series,- in
which we were s##osed to se a #ortrait to convey or relationshi# to someone
else% "y mother had
#osed my father in front of the window
in his stdy, with all his di#lomas and varios certificates )ehind
him% He looked ncomforta)le, his smiled forced, hands neasily stffed in his
#ockets, like an e(ective
#osing for the com#any newsletter%
"y mother, however, was .st #rod to have gotten his whole head
in%
Boo,s #ictre was of her and *tewart% &hey,d #t the camera on a ta)le, set the timer,
and then )ent
over, heads down, for a fll minte, yanking themselves # .st )efore the shtter
clicked% &he reslt was
striking: the two of them, hair wildly sticking #, eyes s#arkling and smiling hgely
while the )lood rshed
ot of their faces% It ca#tred the closeness and eccentricity a)ot them that I loved
7two #eo#le, so
alike, caght in a cra;y moment of their own making%
"y #ictre was of Dogerson% He hadn,t wanted me to shoot him, )t since the winter
)an3et he,d )een
sweet and gentle with me, on his )est )ehavior% I,d carried my camera arond with
me for over a week,
trying to catch him at the #erfect time, and taken a few shots here and there, none of
them otstanding%
&hen, one day, we were walking down the ste#s of Corinna,s when I called ot his
name and he trned
arond%
In the #ictre, Dogerson is not smiling% He is looking steadily at the camera, a trace
of irritation on his
face, his car keys dangling from one hand nder his .acket sleeve% Behind him yo
can see all the )are
winter trees against the light gray sky% &he sn is )arely )right, and farther down the
driveway, at the very
end, yo can see $ave,s yellow La), "ings, sitting )y the mail)o(, looking ot at
the road% Doger4son
takes # most of the #ictre, the landsca#e )ehind him stark and cold as if there is
some #art of him that
)elongs there%
"atthew, wearing a red wool sweater and now s#orting side)rns, called my
mother,s #ictre
-#romising- ?knowing to a##reciate a s).ect with a fll head@ and Boo,s -startling
and emotional%- 5hen
he got to mine, he .st stood there, looking down at it for a long time% &hen he said,
-It,s clear yo know
this s).ect very well%-
-/h, yeah,- I said% For some reason, I always )lshed like cra;y when "atthew
talked to me% He wasn,t
that mch older than me7 may)e for years7and had sch a sweet, gentle
dis#osition, always #lacing a
hand on yor sholder or )ack to make a #oint% Boo said he was fll of #ositive ara%
-5ell, he,s my
)oyfriend%-
"atthew nodded, his eyes still on the #hotogra#h% -It looks,- he said in a lower
voice, .st to me, -like
yo know him a little )etter than he,d like yo to%-
I looked )ack down at the #ictre, at Dogerson,s eyes, remem)ering
again how dark, almost )lack,
they,d seemed the night he hit me%
-2eah,- I said, kee#ing my eye on the #ictre% -I gess I do%-
5hen class was over, I walked otside with my mother and Boo, who were headed
off to do some final
Christmas sho##ing% Dogerson was #icking me #, )t it was so cold in the #arking
lot, and sleeting, that
I went )ack into the lo))y of the Arts Center to wait% &here was an Irish dancing
class going on down
the hallway, with msic all .anty and fast, and I stood listening and watching the
Christmas lights strng
over the front windows as they )linked on and off% /tside, the traffic was thick with
last4minte
sho##ers, angrily )ee#ing at each other at the sto#light% I wondered what Cass was
doing for Christmas:
if she had #t # lights, )oght a tree, hng stockings over a mantel%
-Caitlin1-
I trned arond to see "atthew, standing there in a lime4green wind)reaker, a
)ack#ack slng over his
sholder% -Hi,- I said%
-2o miss yor ride or something1- he asked, glancing arond the small lo))y%
$own the hall the Irish
msic sto##ed, sddenly, and there was a smattering of a##lase and laghter%
-+ah,- I said% -He,s .st late%-
He nodded, #lling # his wind)reaker hood% -I can wait with yo, if yo want%-
-/h, no,- I said 3ickly, as the Irish msic )egan again, followed )y the sond of
feet clom#ing across a
hard floor% -I,m fine%-
-/kay,- he said, #tting one hand on the door and )eginning to #sh it o#en% &hen
he sto##ed and said,
-2o have a real talent for faces, Caitlin% I,ve )een very im#ressed with yor work%-
-/h, thanks,- I said, em)arrassed% -I .st mess arond, mostly%-
-2o,re very good% &hat one we looked at today, of yor )oyfriend %%% it,s very
moving% &here,s
something striking there, and yo caght it% 8ery well done%-
He stood there, as if he knew something and was .st waiting for me to confirm it%
Instead, I reali;ed I
was )lshing, cltching my folder with the #ictre in it so tightly I was )ending the
edges% -&hanks,- I said
again% -Deally%-
He nodded, smiling, and reached into his wind)reaker #ocket to #ll ot a #air of red
knit mittens%
-Have a good holiday%-
-2o, too,- I said, as Dogerson #lled in to the far side of the #arking lot% -"erry
Christmas, "atthew%-
He smiled, then reached forward and took my hand, s3ee;ing it tightly )etween the
warm wool of his
mittens% &hey felt scratchy yet comforta)le, like the kind Cass and I )oth had as
kids, cli##ed to or
.ackets so we woldn,t lose them% -"erry Christmas,- he said%
&here was something so nice a)ot standing there with him, nder all those )linking
lights, his mittens
closed tightly over my fingers% I felt safe with him, strangely, with this #erson I
hardly knew7safer than
I,d felt in a long time, as if some #art of me that had )een chrned # and cra;y had
finally come to a
sto#%
5e coldn,t have stood there like that for more than five seconds )efore Dogerson
#lled # in front of
the window and )ee#ed the horn%
-5ell,- I said, and he dro##ed my hand% -&here,s my ride%-
-Dight,- "atthew said% -*ee yo later%-
5e walked ot the door together, and Dogerson leaned over to nlock
my door, kee#ing his eyes on
"atthew as I clim)ed inside%
-5ho,s that1- he asked as I #t my seat )elt on%
-He teaches my class,- I said% -5here,ve yo )een1-
He .st shook his head as he #t the car in gear, gnning across the #arking lot%
-$ave said he cold get
s a good deal on this once, )t the gy never showed% 5aited for an hor%-
-/h, man,- I said% -2o mst have )een really mad%-
He didn,t say anything, instead looking #ast me ot my window to the sidewalk
)eside s% 5hen I
trned my head, I saw "atthew walking,
his )ack#ack over )oth sholders and hands in his #ockets,
head dcked against the falling sleet%
I was a)ot to change the s).ect, )t something felt strange to me, an nsteady
feeling like )efore
lightning strikes% Dogerson still had his eyes on "atthew, even as he disa##eared
arond a corner, and I
thoght again of the #ictre I held in my la#, the irritation in his eyes, the stark trees,
with )arely a sn at
all in the sky )ehind him%
He didn,t say a word the whole way home% Bt when we #lled # in front of my
mail)o(, he ct the
engine and .st sat there, looking straight ahead% I slid my fingers down to my door
handle, telling myself
he was .st in a )ad mood, not my falt% $ave had made him wait, and then he,d
seen7or had
he17"atthew holding my hand% I cold sli# ot, he,d go )rn off steam, and then
later everything wold
)e okay% It wold% If I cold .st7
-*o,- he said sddenly, and I felt that crackling electricity again, a whooshing in my
ears, -what,s going
on with yo and that gy, Caitlin1-
-+othing,- I said, and my own voice sonded strange to me, like it was weightless,
drifting #, #, and
away%
-I saw yo%- &he words were cli##ed and low% -$on,t lie to me%-
-I,m not lying,- I said 3ickly, and I hated the way I sonded, so weak and #leading%
-I .st wished him a
"erry Christmas and he shook my hand%%%-
-$on,t lie to me<- he yelled, and in the small s#ace of the car it was so lod, hrting
my ears%
-I,m not,- I whis#ered% -Dogerson, #lease% It,s nothing%- And then I reached ot and
toched his arm%
He was coiled and tat, a mosetra# set to s#ring at the slightest toch% As soon as
my fingers )rshed
his sleeve, his fist was in motion, s#ringing ot at me and catching my .aw, knocking
me )ackward so
hard the door handle dg into my right side, twisting the skin%
I felt like I coldn,t sht my moth, )t even so I was still trying to e(#lain%
-Dogerson,- I said% -I7-
-*ht #, Caitlin,- he said%
-Bt7-
He sla##ed me hard, across the other cheek, and it felt like #art of my face was
shattering into tiny
#ieces% I covered my face with my hands, stretching my fingers to cover the s#an
from my forehead to
my chin, as if withot them I wold fall a#art altogether%
-&his isn,t my falt,- he said in a low voice, as I tasted )lood in my moth% -It isn,t,
Caitlin% 2o know
what yo did%-
I didn,t say anything% I didn,t think I cold take another )low% Instead,
I closed my eyes and thoght of
trivia, again: 3estions and answers,
the solidness and safety of facts% 5hen the )iggest secret a)ot
Dogerson was the limitless stretch of what he knew%
5hat instrment do sailors se to measre time1
I told myself to )reathe% A chronometer%
5here in Italy did #i;;a originate1
"y cheek was still )rning, all the way # to my tem#le% +a#les%
I trned my head, resting my sore cheek against the cold glass of the window, and
looked at my hose%
5e had a fat #lastic *anta standing )y the front ste#s, white lights strng in the tree
)y the walk, and a
row of tiny reindeer monted on the roof of the garage% :#stairs,
I cold see my father sitting in his chair
in the s3are of one window, reading the #a#er, .st like he had in a million nights of
my childhood%
I closed my eyes, willing him somehow to look throgh the dark car windows and
rsh ot and save me
from Dogerson, and from myself%
Bt he didn,t% Instead, my father did what he always did: He folded the
#a#er, #icked # the remote, moving across channel after channel, waiting for me7
and Cass7to come
home%
====================================
5hen I came inside twenty mintes later my mother was taking a casserole ot of
the oven%
-/h, my goodness<- she said, her eyes widening% *he #lnked it down on the conter
and started across
the kitchen, wi#ing her hands on a towel decorated with tiny Christmas trees% -5hat
ha##ened to yo,
Caitlin1-
-I fell,- I said 3ickly, even as she leaned in close, )rshing my hair off my
forehead% In Dogerson,s
rearview mirror, after we,d smoked a )owl, it hadn,t looked that )ad: .st a )it red,
#ffy in #laces%
-Fell1- she said% -Jack, come in here<-
-"om, I,m fine%- "y father a##eared in the kitchen doorway, the line in his forehead
already creased
and dee#% -&here was .st some ice )y the mail)o( and I sli##ed%-
-/h, I .st knew it<- she said, #shing me down into a chair: &he sore s#ot on my
side hit against the
armrest and I cringed, scking in a )reath% *he didn,t notice% -Jack, didn,t I tell yo
walking )ack from
Boo,s I sli##ed there1 $idn,t I1 Caitlin, was Dogerson with yo1-
-+o,- I said, shaking my head% -He dro##ed me off and then when I started # the
walk my feet .st
flew ot from nder me%-
-5ell,- my father said, his ga;e steady on my face, -it looks like yo hit right there
on yor .aw% Get that
ice #ack ot of the free;er, "argaret, )efore the swelling gets any worse%-
-I,m fine,- I said again% -It doesn,t even hrt anymore%-
It was strange that I didn,t even consider telling the trth% I was .st stoned and
)leary, so cried ot that
all I cold think of was crling
# on my )ed and going to slee#% Dogerson had lit the )owl withot
even a word, even as I sat there )eside him, my ears ringing, and after a few hits
everything .st seemed
to fade ot% Increasingly, that was the way the #ot worked with me lately% After a
co#le of hits,
whatever had )een )othering me drifted to arm,s length, like the end of a song on the
radio yo can .st
)arely hear, .st fading away%
And then he #lled me close to him, told me he loved me and kissed me hard and
rgently, his hand
crling arond the )ack of my neck, the way he knew I liked it% As if somehow, that
way, he cold give
)ack what he,d taken from me% And I let him%
+ow, I closed my eyes as my father #ressed the ice #ack against my face, making it
sting as the
coolness see#ed in slowly% I told myself i had too many secrets already: the drgs,
cigarettes, my
downward cheerleading s#iral% If I let one ot, the rest wold tm)le )ehind it, ot
of my control, like
wild horses let loose to stam#ede%
It was fnny% 5hat I,d loved most a)ot Dogerson was that he took me to a #lace so
far from anywhere
Cass had )een% And now, him hitting me was the same thing% Cass woldn,t have
taken # with
Dogerson, .st like she never wold have stayed with anyone who hrt her% Bt I
wasn,t Cass, not even
close% I was weaker% And I,d kee# this secret )efore I,d #rove that again%
-2o need to kee# this there ntil the swelling goes down,- my father
said now, taking my hand and
#ressing it against the ice #ack% -/kay1-
-It,s .st so red,- my mother said in a worried voice% -2o mst have hit so hard%-
-2eah,- I told her, averting my eyes% -I did%-
"y father was #tting on his .acket% -I,m going to go #t some salt on the walk,- he
said to my mother%
-I think we,ve got some left over from last year ot in the shed%-
-2es, yes, it,s )ehind the #otting soil,- she said, following him down the stairs% -And
Jack, make sre yo
check the whole s#ot, won,t yo1 I,d hate to see anyone else get hrt%-
I moved the ice #ack to my cheek% I cold still taste )lood in my moth%
-+ow, Caitlin,- my mother said as she came )ack # the stairs, the door clicking
sht )ehind my father%
-I,m going to rn a hot )ath for yo% 5on,t that )e nice1 And when yo,re done, I,ll
)ring dinner to yor
room so yo can eat in )ed, and rest% /kay1-
-"om, yo don,t have to7-
-Hsh% Go get ndressed and I,ll let yo know when it,s ready%- *he started ot of the
kitchen, then
sto##ed and #t her hand on my sholder, )ending down to kiss me gently on the
forehead% *he smelled
like vanilla and Joy #erfme, and sddenly I felt like I might start crying again% -2o
really scared me,
Caitlin,- she said, smiling as she )rshed her fingers throgh my hair% -I don,t know
what I wold do if
something ha##ened to yo%-
I cold tell her, I told myself% I cold tell her right now and fi( this% I cold say that
he hits me and I hate
cheerleading and I miss Cass )t I know why she left and I wish I cold make
everything )etter )t I
can,t, I can,t, I can,t even tell yo where it hrts, not now%
-$on,t worry,- I said instead, as she rffled my hair and walked away, my mother, to
do what she did
)est, to take care of me% -I,m fine%-
5hen I went to my room to change into my )athro)e, my father was still otside,
scattering salt )y hand
down the length of or walk% 5hen he reached the front ste#s he went )ack, across
the grass, to the
s#ot )y the mail)o( where I,d told him I,d fallen, and scattered another
handfl there% &hen, as I
watched, he s#ent a good five mintes scra#ing his foot )ack and forth across the
#avement, searching
for slick s#ots, as if that was all it wold take to kee# s safe%
====================================
5hen my mother tcked me in that night, I was half aslee#, my face sore, my )elly
fll of
chicken4)roccoli casserole% *he kissed my cheek careflly, not wanting to hrt me,
then walked to my
doorway and stood there in silhoette, her hand crled over the doorkno)%
-Good night, honey,- she said% -I,ll see yo in dreamland%-
I was too tired to answer her%
&hat night, I didn,t find my mother in my dreams% Bt for the first time since she,d
left, I saw Cass%
&he dream itself was long and com#licated% Ali;a $rake was there, and Corinna, and
"rs% Garver, my
forth grade teacher% 5e were in the Lakeview "all, searching for something having
to do with
alminm,
rnning to the far end, near the *ears store% I was #assing an em#ty storefront, .st
glass and
em#ty inside, when I saw Cass% *he was standing a few feet away, on the other side,
)t when I sto##ed
she came closer%
-Cass1- I said, and "rs% Garver was yelling at me to come on, hrry #, now, now%
*he smiled at me, cocking her head to the side% *he was wearing this )right red
sweater and I remem)er
wondering if she was stck in there, tra##ed somehow% -Good lck,- she said to me,
raising one hand
and #ressing her #alm against the glass se#arating s% As if she cold see the ftre,
hers and mine,
everything%
-5ait,- I said, -Cass7-
-Go,- she said, as "rs% Garver gra))ed my arm, yanking me away% -Go ahead,
Caitlin% Go%-
-Cass7- I said again, )t I was already rnning, looking )ack to find her, )t now
all the storefronts
were em#ty glass, and I knew I cold never find her, even if I tried%
5hen I woke # I was sweating and my .aw ached, a thro))ing #ain that seemed to
match my
heart)eat% I sat # in )ed and trned on the light: It was only >O:HO% I cold hear the
&8 on in the living
room as my father watched the early news, and ne(t door Boo,s kitchen light was on
and she was sitting
at the ta)le, reading a )ook%
I lay )ack against my #illows, still seeing Cass in that red sweater, her hand #ressed
against the glass% It
was .st a dream, I told myself% &hat,s all%
5hen I #lled my dream .ornal from nder the )ed and fli##ed to a )lank #age, I
didn,t know yet what
I wold write% I #t a hand on my aching cheek and .st )egan:
$ec% FO
$ear Cass,
I don,t know if yo,ll ever read this% "ay)e I won,t want yo to% Bt something,s
ha##ening to me and
yo,re the only one I can tell% I had this dream a)ot yo tonight and it scared me
into doing this: In the
dream, I lost yo for good% Lately I,ve )een feeling like I,m losing myself, too% &his
is why%
"y )oyfriend, Dogerson, hit me tonight% It wasn,t the first time% I know yo can,t
)elieve I,d let this
ha##en: I can,t either% Bt it,s more confsing than yo,d think% I love him% &hat
sonds so weak and
#itifl, )t lately, it,s )een enogh for me to forgive anything% Bt after tonight, I,m
not so sre% He really
hrt me, Cass% It still hrts now%%%%
Cha#ter >O
-Caitlin1-
I )linked, o#ening my eyes% "y Anglish lit teacher, "r% Lensing, was standing over
me, a well4worn
co#y of &% *% Aliot,s collected #oems
in his hand% All arond s the room was 3iet and I cold feel
everyone watching me%
-2es1-
-$id yo hear the 3estion1- He shifted the )ook to his other hand, then lifted his
glasses off his head
and #t them on while fli##ing
a few #ages with his fingers% -I asked yo a)ot the sym)olism of the
mermaids in Aliot,s ,&he Love *ong of J% Alfred 0rfrock%,-
-/h,- I said, looking down at my own )ook, which was closed, and frantically
fli##ing throgh the
#ages, the words )lrring% -I, m, think7-
-0age one4eighty4for,- Dichard *#ellman, class #resident, whis#ered
from )ehind me% -Bottom of the
#age%-
-Dight,- I said, /ne4fifty, one4si(ty4two, one4seventy4for% 5here the hell was it1
-:m, the mermaids%
5ell7-
A few rows )ack, someone snickered% &hen coghed% "r% Lensing took his glasses
off again% -Can
anyone hel# s ot here1- he asked, a tired look on his face% -2es% Dichard%-
-&he mermaids re#resent what is ltimately nattaina)le )y the s#eaker,- Dichard
said, and the same
#erson in )ack snickered again, at him% -5hen he says they won,t sing to him, he,s
talking a)ot his
se#arateness from the rest of the world, the kind of dream4state he is in, all )y
himself% He says he,s
nderwater, with these mermaids who )oth acce#t and re.ect him% Bt it is the
hman element7the real
world7that ltimately does him in, as is seen in the last line%-
I had finally located the right #age, my eyes 3ickly scanning the very end of the
#oem: &ill hman voices
wake s, and we drown%
-8ery good,- "r% Lensing said, cla##ing his )ook sht .st as the )ell rang% -Dead7
and )e ready to
discss7&he 5aste Land tomorrow,
#eo#le% And don,t forget, #a#ers are de in one week<-
Averyone was talking now, )ooks closing, )ack#acks ;i##ing #, the sond of voices
and shffling in the
hallway coming in throgh the o#en door% I sht my note)ook and stood #, looking
ot the window
at
the #arking lot and the gray, Fe)rary sky a)ove it%
-Caitlin%-
I looked #% "r% Lensing, now )ehind his desk, was watching me% -2es1-
-5ake #,- he said% -/kay1-
I nodded% -2eah, sre% /kay%-
I walked ot into the hallway, #ast the lockers and into the girls, )athroom, which
was thick with the
smell of cigarettes and hairs#ray% A gro# of girls were crowded )y the mirrors,
checking li#stick and
gossi#ing, )t I #shed #ast them and went into a stall, locking it )ehind
me%
-"y #oint is,- one of the girls )y the sinks was saying, -I .st can,t even think a)ot
the #rom yet%-
&here was a hiss of hairs#ray, and then someone else said, -I heard Becca 0laser
already )oght her
dress, in +ew 2ork% It cost, like, five hndred dollars or something%-
-/h, #lease,- the first girl said% -It doesn,t matter if yo s#end a million on yor
dress if yo can,t get a
date%-
I sat down on the toilet, then reached over with my right hand to careflly roll # my
left sleeve% And
midway # my forearm, I cold see the )lish4)lack edge of the )rise coming into
view%
-5ell,- another girl said, -all that matters is that we will )e )each4)ond the night of
the #rom% It,s gonna
)e so cool<-
-*o yor #arents said yes1-
-2e#% I mean, I was s).ected to the whole &rst &alk and all that% Bt we are in, for
sre% +o worries%-
I ke#t rolling # my sleeve ntil I cold see the whole )rise% It was trning yellow
in the center, less
)lack than the day )efore%
-2es<- I heard a sla##ing of #alms, then someone laghing% &he )ell annoncing the
ne(t #eriod rang,
ear4s#littingly lod in the small s#ace% I toched the center of the )rise with my
finger, smoothing my
fingers over its width% It still hrt, )t the swelling was down%
I sat there, listening as the girls left, then dcked my head to check for feet nder the
other stalls%
+o)ody% I was alone%
I rolled down my sleeve, #lling it tight to the edge of my wrist% As if )y silent
agreement, since the night
I,d told my #arents how I had -sli##ed on the ice,- Dogerson had taken to only
hitting me where I cold
cover it: arms, legs, sholders% I wore only long4sleeved shirts, )ig sweaters, and
trtlenecks, )t at least
now my face was off4limits%
After that night it was okay for a little while% He seemed sorry7 althogh he never
said so ot lod7)t
I cold tell% It was in the way he ke#t his hand on my knee, or #laced his fingers in
the small of my )ack,
always kee#ing me close% In the Cokes and candy )ars he )oght me withot )eing
asked, C$s or
maga;ines I liked dro##ed like offerings
in my la#, sr#rising me% And most of all it was in the way he
kissed me, his li#s on my neck, or trailing down across my collar)one, as if I was
)eatifl or even
sacred%
/n Christmas Ave, I went to the #ool hose, where Dogerson cooked me dinner%
Afterward, he slid a
)o( across the ta)le to me: it was white, and long, tied with a red )ow% Inside was a
silver necklace
made # of tiny, interlocking s3ares, so shiny it glittered as he lifted # my hair to
do the clas#% I thoght
then, as I had so many times )efore,
how im#ossi)le it seemed that he cold ever have hrt me%
&hat night, I sle#t with him for the first time% And it hrt, too, )t in a different way,
one I,d )een
e(#ecting% And the #ain didn,t linger, easily overshadowed )y how good it felt to lie
in his arms
afterward, my head on his chest% I cold see my necklace shining in the moonlight
that was slanting
throgh the window, and made a wish on it that things wold )e )etter now%
Aach time we had se( from then on, I told myself that this was the closest yo cold
get to another
#erson% *o close their )reaths )ecome yor own% *o I gave him all of me, )elieving I
cold trst him%
&hen, on +ew 2ear,s Ave, I talked too mch to a gy at a #arty while Dogerson did
)siness in another
room% /tside he yanked me )y my hair and #shed me against a wall, where I,d
clocked the )ack of
my head against a #lanter, making it )leed% I saw in the +ew 2ear at Corinna,s,
stoned, with a warm
washcloth #ressed against my head7Dogerson e(#lained how I,d )een ti#sy, too
mch )eer7while
everyone conted down and clinked cham#agne glasses% Corinna gave $ave a long,
slo##y kiss and
said, -&his is or year, )a)y%-
-2o say that every year,- he said, laghing%
-+o% &his year, it,s tre% I can feel it,- she re#lied% -California, here we come<-
-Ha##y +ew 2ear,- Dogerson said, and then he kissed me% Bt for the first time
since all of this had
started7the hittings, and the se(7 it was different% I still felt something, )t not like
I had )efore% I was
wary now%
-Ha##y +ew 2ear,- I,d res#onded, like the ro)ot I felt I was )ecoming%
I looked down at my
necklace, rnning my fingers over the #atterned s3ares% Aven thogh it had .st
)een days earlier,
Christmas
Ave7and those gentle hands on my neck7already seemed like another world%
&he ne(t day he )oght me a C$ and took me to the movies, where he held my
hand, his fingers locked
arond mine% I coldn,t focs
on the film, something a)ot the a#ocaly#se and only one man who cold
save all hmanity% Instead I ke#t looking at Dogerson, the light flickering across his
face, and wondering
what lay ahead for s, and me%
&here was no #attern, no way of knowing when to e(#ect it% After +ew 2ear,s a
week #assed ntil the
ne(t time, then .st a co#le of days, then two weeks% 5henever he did hit me, I
cold cont on him
)eing sorry for at least twenty4for hors: a safe #eriod on which I had come to rely,
like home )ase%
&hose were the good days% Bt once they were over, all )ets were off%
Bt no matter what we were doing, the fact that he hit me was always
on my mind% 5hen we had se(,
es#ecially, I coldn,t #sh it ot of my mind, however )adly I wanted to% &he
Dogerson kissing me or
stroking my stomach coldn,t )e the same one who lashed ot so easily,
who #shed me # against
walls or smacked me% It seemed incongros,
against all logic, like a theorem yo cold never #rove in
geometry% And in the moments afterward, as we lay there together, I,d hold him so
close, as if .st )y
tangling myself with him I cold kee# that Dogerson with me, )anishing the other
forever% Bt no matter
how hard I tried, he always managed to sli# away%
It got to )e that se( was the only time I cold cont on )eing safe% And it never
lasted long enogh%
&hen we,d )e driving, stoned, on or way somewhere, and then somewhere else after
that% Before it had
)een e(citing, new, to always )e in transit% Bt now I felt like I was drifting, scked
down )y an
ndertow,
and too far ot to swim )ack to the shore% I never even tried to change the station
anymore,
instead letting his msic fill my ears and all the s#aces )etween s, heavy and thick,
like a ha;e%
5ake #, Caitlin% "r% Lensing wasn,t the only one who,d noticed%
-Caitlin1- my mother wold say to me at the dinner ta)le, as I #shed arond my
food, my sleeves #lled
tight to my wrists even thogh she ke#t the heat cranked and there was a fire
crackling and sna##ing right
)ehind me% "y mother was cold4)looded% -Honey, are yo okay1 Aren,t yo
hngry1-
-Caitlin<- the dance coach wold )ark as I fl))ed another cartwheel
or missed a ste#, finishing ot the
clmsy death throes of my cheerleading career% -Get with it, /,6oren< 5hat,s the
matter with yo1-
-Caitlin,- Boo wold say, trying to hide the hrt in her face as i shrank )ack from her
in #hotogra#hy
class7the only time I ever saw her anymore7when she tried to s3ee;e my arm or
sholder, saying
hello in her tochy way% -I miss yo%-
-Caitlin1- Dina wold ask in or one shared class, history, fanning her hand over my
eyes as I ;oned ot,
half4listening to her detail another dramatic )low4# with Jeff% -Hello1-
-Caitlin,- Corinna wold say% -Hand me that lighter%-
-Caitlin,- *tewart had said more than once, -yo look like yo really,
des#erately, are in need of some
wheat germ% *eriosly%-
And finally, the one voice to which I sna##ed to attention, every time%
-Caitlin,- Dogerson wold say, and I,d listen so hard, trying to tell .st )y the
cadence what might ha##en
when we were alone% -Come on%-
5ake #, Caitlin, "r% Lensing had said% Bt what he didn,t nderstand
was that this dreamland was
#refera)le, walking throgh this life half4slee#ing, everything at arm,s length or
farther away%
I nderstood those mermaids% I didn,t care if they sang to me% All I wanted was to
)lock ot all the
hman voices as they called my name again and again, #lling me #ward into light,
to drown%
====================================
I had known since $ecem)er that #nctality cold mean the )est or worst of things
for me with
Dogerson% Bt now things were getting harder%
Dogerson #icked me # for lnch every day right at noon% &his gave me e(actly five
mintes to get from
my trigonometry class, which was on one side of cam#s, throgh the #acked
hallways and crowded
cortyard to the small trnarond near the ato mechanics classroom where he
always waited for me%
Bt no matter how 3ickly I left class7even after changing my seat, so I was right
)y the door and
cold lea# # the second the )ell rang7he always managed to get there first% I,d
rond the corner, ot of
)reath, to see the car #arked there, engine idling% I,d know Doger4son was )ehind
those tinted windows,
waiting and watching%
*ometimes, it was .st a little rogh: a )locking )rise% /ther times, a hard fol% And
if things were really
)ad7fll contact%
It was always easier for me to think a)ot it this way% *#orts was my father cheering
*atrday morning
foot)all, Cass lifting the all4state tro#hy over her head, or entire family at
niversity )asket)all games,
roaring with the crowd% *#orts were safe, even when Doger4son wasn,t%
Aven the days that I ski##ed forth #eriod so I was there first, sitting
nder the little scr))y tree )y the
cr) when he #lled in, it didn,t seem to make him any ha##ier% It was like he
wanted to )e mad, so he,d
have an e(cse to do what he did to me% And he was doing
it more and more often, as winter headed
into s#ring% &he )rise on my arm I,d gotten cortesy of "rs% $ennis, my trig
teacher, who insisted on
kee#ing me after class a few days earlier to discss my lack of class #artici#ation
and a failing 3i; grade%
I started ski##ing her class, )ecase it was easier% I,d sit nder that tree, my knees
#lled tight against
my chest and smoke cigarettes, my eyes fi(ed on the entrance to the trnarond%
&here were rles of #lay
here, technical fols, illegal movements% I had to )e carefl%
I coldn,t talk to anyone )ecase if Dogerson saw me he,d assme I was ?A@ flirting
or ?B@ discssing
him% /ne day Dichard *#ellman, class #resident, tried to sit down and talk to me
a)ot some st#id
gro# #ro.ect we were doing for Anglish% I .st shook him off, edging farther and
farther away: I knew I
cold garantee myself fll contact #ls a few hard fols if Dogerson saw s there
together% Bt Dichard
.st ke#t talking, o)livios, while I #icked at grass )lades, my stomach
chrning, and hid )ehind my
snglasses, #retending I was invisi)le%
I was getting good at that% 5hen he finally left it was only a matter
of seconds )efore Dogerson #lled in% *o close% *o, so close%
&he only #erson I ever really s#oke to at school anymore was Dina, and not mch at
that%
-Let,s go ot tonight, .st s girls,- she said to me one day, as we sat together nder
my tree% &he )ell
had .st rng and she,d #lo##ed down ne(t to me, strerching her long legs ot in
front of her%
-I can,t,- I said%
-5hy not1- *he fm)led in her #rse for her snglasses7)lack with cat,s4eye4
sha#ed frames and tiny
rhinestones in the corners7and #t them on, leaning her head )ack to look # into
the mild winter sn%
-I,ve got #lans with Dogerson,- I said%
-2o always have #lans with Dogerson,- she said% -5e haven,t done a girls, night in
forever, Caitlin% I,m
in withdrawal here%-
-I,m sorry,- I said, watching as a )lack car7not him7s#ed #ast on the road in front
of s% -Bt I made
#lans already%-
-/h, come on,- she said, #o##ing her snglasses # on her forehead
and looking at me% -5hat cold
)e so im#ortant to )low off yor )est friend1 Again%-
I sighed% Dina always made this hard for me% -I,m not trying to )low yo off,- I said%
-I .st already told
him we,d do this thing together%-
-/kay, fine,- she said, fli##ing her hand% -How a)ot this%%% we,ll go ot early, get a
)rger or something,
and then yo can meet him later somewhere%-
-I can,t,- I said again%
-God, Caitlin<- she said, e(as#erated% *he #lled her #rse onto her la# and started
digging for a
cigarette, gra))ing my lighter with her other hand% -Look, .st let me talk to him,
okay1 I,ll tell him yo
really need some girl time and I,ll #romise to have yo )ack home at a decent hor%
Let me handle it% I,ll
tell him7-
-Dina%-
-I,m serios,- she said% -I know how to handle this% He,ll nderstand%
He,s coming to #ick yo # right
now, right1 *o I,ll .st talk to him now%-
*he .st didn,t nderstand% -It,s not a good idea,- I said%
-*re it is,- she said easily, tossing )ack my lighter% -I can deal with Dogerson% +o
#ro)lem% By the time
I,m done with him he,ll )e #tty in my hands%-
-Dina, I said no%- *he didn,t know what she cold do to me% 5hat kind of fll
contact I cold e(#ect at
the slightest intervention% "y stomach already )inding tight, a )rning there that
seemed to grow each
day%
-+ot another word,- she said lightly, )lowing me off while e(haling
a long steam of smoke% -It,s taken
care of%-
-Dina7-
-Hsh% I told yo% It,s7-
-+o,- I sna##ed, loder than I meant to, and she .erked )ack, sr#rised,
like I,d sla##ed her% -I told
yo, I can,t% &hat,s it%-
*he cocked her head to the side, her face hrt% -5hat, yo,re not allowed to hang ot
with me anymore
or something1 He,s telling yo what to do now1-
-+o,- I said, as another )lack car #assed )y, the light glinting off it% -He,s not%-
-&hat,s sre what it sonds like,- she said, an ##ity tone in her voice%
-5ell, it isn,t,- I said%
5e sat there for a few mintes, not talking% All arond s #eo#le were #assing )y, on
their way to the
#arking lot or their ne(t class, voices high and laghing% I was thinking )ack to all
those nights of driving
and crying, when I listened to Dina wail as the scenery s#ed #ast% *he cold tell me
anything, as long as
we were in motion%
-5hat,s going on, Caitlin1- she said sddenly, moving a little closer and lowering
her voice% -&ell me%-
I look at her7my )est friend7with her straw)erry4)lond hair and #ink Coral Ice
li#stick, and for a s#lit
second I wanted to let it all s#ill ot% A)ot the im#ortance of time, and the hel#less
feeling I got every
time I saw that )lack B"5, not knowing what waited on the other side of the tinted
windows% A)ot
hard fols, and fll contact, and those mermaids, #lling me # to drown%
Bt I coldn,t tell her% I coldn,t tell anyone% As long as I didn,t say it alod, it wasn,t
real%
*o I smiled my )est cheerleader smile, shook my head, and said, -It,s nothing, Dina%
2o worry too
mch%- I concentrated on kee#ing my voice chi##er, all #e#: I,ve got s#irit, yes I do,
I,ve got s#irit, how
,)ot yo1
Dina cocked her head to the side, stdying me% *he wasn,t a dm) girl! she knew
something was #% Bt
she still had faith in or friendshi#,
forged in the war ;one of .nior high% *he thoght I,d never lie to her%
-/kay,- she said finally, as if we,d )artered ot some kind of agreement% -Bt if yo
need me7-
-I know,- I said, ctting her off% It was right at noon: "y safe time was #% &he
mscles in my stomach
and sholders were clenching harder as I #icked # my )ack#ack and )egan to move
closer to the
trnarond% I looked at her, sitting cross4legged there in her snglasses,
#o##ing her gm, with no
greater concern in her life right then than me% And I envied her, 3ickly and 3ietly,
in a different way than
I had all those years we,d s#ent together%
-I gotta go,- I said, and she nodded as I )acked away, trning my head to look over
at the #arking lot
entrance where Dogerson was #lling in% I was on time, )t .st a few feet too far
ot of sight% I knew she
was watching me as I walked toward the car, the engine #rring, low and growly,
like a dog .st warning
yo to stay )ack%
I didn,t know what to e(#ect this time% &rash talk, a hard fol% Fll contact% I took a
dee# )reath,
walked # to the car, my reflection staring
)ack at me in those )lack, )lack windows, and ste##ed
across the sidelines, into the game%
====================================
5hile I was working on )eing invisi)le, Cass was slowly coming )ack to s% *he
hadn,t called on
Christmas Ave, which had made my mother teary the entire time we o#ened gifts
and had or annal
#ancake
)reakfast with Boo and *tewart the ne(t morning% Cass did send a card, with a
#ictre of her
and Adam inside% &hey were standing in front of their own tree, a small scr))y #ine
with a few lights,
one of those homemade #a#er chains, and a tinfoil angel on to#% He had his arm
arond her and they
were )oth smiling! Cass looked as ha##y as I,d ever seen her% "y mother #t the
#ictre in a frame,
immediately, and #arked it on the coffee ta)le, dis#lacing a series of glass teddy
)ears and a small )asket
of #ot#orri%
-I,m trying to nderstand what she meant a)ot kee#ing her life her own, a)ot
)ondaries,- I heard her
say to Boo Christmas day as they cleaned # the kitchen% "y father was #arked in
his chair, watching
a
game, with *tewart do;ing on the coch, one hand on his stomach%
-Bt this is Christmas, for goodness
sake%-
-*he,s coming arond,- Boo said reassringly%
-*he seems to think that we controlled her somehow, that we were too involved in
her life%- I cold hear
my mother washing dishes, the water s#lashing% -And now, I gess, we,re not% /r
something%- And she
sighed, again, that low, sad Cass4sigh I,d heard daily since the smmer%
Cass,s gifts sat nder the tree ntil we dismantled it% "y mother, always fair, had
even )oght
one7small, )t still there7for Adam% &hen they were moved to the hall closet, still
in their )rightly
colored #a#er and ri))ons, and stacked )ehind the vacm cleaner%
5hen she had finally called, a)ot a week into the +ew 2ear, I was lying in my )ed,
slee#ing after
another late night, as well as a fresh wrist4wrenching )rise, cortesy of Dogerson% I
knew it was Cass
.st )y the way my mother,s voice .m#ed from its normal, #olite hello to a gas# of
e(citement I cold
hear clearly throgh my door and down the hallway%
-Ha##y +ew 2ear to yo, too<- she cried ot, and I cold hear her moving arond,
looking for my
father so she cold get him on the e(tension% &his was harder for him% He,d get on
the line and listen,
talking to Cass only when #rom#ted, and then in short, formal sentences,
his voice low, as if she was
someone he knew only formally% -How are yo, honey1 How was yor Christmas1-
I cold hear her going throgh the kitchen to my father,s stdy, her heels clacking
across the floor% I
rolled over and closed my eyes%
-/h, yes, we had a wonderfl time% 2o missed the )le)erry #ancakes%
Bt yo were on or minds% It
.st wasn,t the same withot yo%- A #ase, and then she whis#ered, -Jack, it,s
Cassandra% 0ick # that
e(tension%-
"y mother made affirmative noises as Cass descri)ed her Christmas,
and then I heard my father say,
-Hello, Cassandra%-
-/h, it,s so wonderfl yo called<- my mother chir#ed, her voice so fll and ha##y% I
#lled my #illow
over my head trying to )lock ot the sond%
-How,s the weather # there1- my father asked, and it was 3iet as Cass res#onded%
-5ell, that,s +ew
2ork in Janary for yo%-
-It,s )een lovely here,- my mother added% -5hat1 /h, she,s fine, so )sy% Her
cheerleading is .st going
wonderflly, and she,s so caght # with school and this new )oyfriend of hers,
Dogerson, she,s )sy
every night% *he,s .st wonderfl%-
I reached # and e(amined my wrist, feeling the tenderness right )y my watch)and%
5onderfl, I
thoght%
%-I,m sre she,d want to talk to yo,- my mother went on, and I cold hear her
starting down the hallway
toward my room, the cordless
in her hand% -I think she,s still slee#ing, )t I can7-
I #lled the #illow tighter, letting my )ody fall slack .st as she o#ened the door a
crack, #eeking in%
-Caitlin1- she whis#ered% -Honey1-
I stayed #erfectly still, concentrating on )reathing evenly: in, ot% In, ot%
-/h, my,- my mother said softly, -she,s still aslee#% *he,ll )e so sorry she missed
yo%-
I waited ntil I heard the soft click of the door shtting again )efore
I o#ened my eyes% Her voice faded
as she walked )ack to the kitchen, still cooing as she took in Cass,s every word%
&he trth was, I didn,t want to talk to Cass% *o far everyone who had noticed
something was different in
me had )een distracted enogh )y their own #ro)lems7Dina with Jeff, my mother
with Cass, even
Corinna with $ave and her work7that they acce#ted my easy e(#lanations
a)ot falling or clmsiness
and didn,t look too closely% &he only one who acted as if she might have sensed
something was Boo, )t
she,d never try to #ry it ot of me% It wasn,t her style% *o it was easy, in #hotogra#hy
class or over
dinner, to ignore her thoghtfl glances, to sideste# her 3estions with the standard
dinner ta)le answers:
Fine% Bsy% +othing s#ecial% I,m .st tired%
Bt my sister was different% 5e were too alike, and I was scared that she,d )e a)le to
tell something
was wrong with one word, one sentence, instantly gessing everything% And I
coldn,t )e fond ot, not
)y Cass% *he was the strong one, the smart one% *he wold never have let this
ha##en to her%
I reached nder my mattress and #lled ot my dream .ornal, fli##ing throgh a
few fll #ages to find
the first )lank s#ot% And as my mother laghed and trilled from the kitchen, soaking
# every )it of Cass
she cold, I talked to my sister the only way I had left%
Jan N
$ear Cass,
Demem)er when we were kids and "om always made s come # with one
resoltion for +ew 2ear,s
we had to kee#, no matter what1 Like flossing yor teeth every day, or not fighting
so mch, or reading
one )ook every month% It seemed like anything was #ossi)le when yo had a clean
slate to start with%
5ell, it,s +ew 2ear,s now )t I don,t feel that way anymore% I wonder if yo do
either% *omething,s
ha##ening to me% It,s like I,m shrinking smaller and smaller and I can,t sto# it%
&here,s .st so mch wrong
that I can,t imagine the shame in admitting even the tiniest #art of it% 5hen yo left it
was like there was
this hge ga# to fill, )t instead of s#reading wide enogh to do it I .st fell right in,
and I,m still falling%
Like I,m half4aslee#, and I can,t wake #, can,t wake #%%%%
I went to Corinna,s one afternoon in late Fe)rary to smoke a 3ick )owl )efore
#ractice and fond the
entire hose dark, a )nch of candies lined # and lit on the coffee ta)le% *he was on
the #hone, #leading
with the #ower com#any and chain4smoking%
-I nderstand that,- she said, handing my )owl )ack to me% 5ithot
the &8 on, it was strangely 3iet: I
cold hear their cat #rring from across the room% *he was sitting on the coch with
her check)ook
and
a calclator, crying and trying to figre ot what ha##ened to the money that was
s##osed to cover the
)ills% -Bt I,ve always #aid them )efore% I mean, I s#ecifically remem)er giving the
money to my
)oyfriend to de#osit, so I don,t see how7-
I lit the )owl and )reathed in dee#% Corinna was listening, shaking her head% *he
gra))ed another
6leene( ot of the )o( on the ta)le and wi#ed at her eyes im#atiently%
-2es, okay% Fine% &hank yo%- *he dro##ed the #hone on the coffee ta)le and raised
her hands to her
face, covering her eyes% Her )racelets slid down her arm, clanking against the ask
me a)ot sim#ly
so#4#er) com)os< )tton on the front of her niform%
-I hate this,- she said, her voice mffled%
-I,m so sorry,- I said%
*he looked # at me, half4smiled, and reached ot to #ick # her cigarettes% -$id yo
know that today
in L%A% it was seventy4two degrees1
In the middle of winter1- *he sighed% -It,s like a #aradise ot there%-
-*onds nice,- I said% -Bt I,ll miss yo when yo go%-
*he #t the cigarette in her moth% -2o,ll come visit% 5e,ll go to the )each, and find
movie stars, and
get a tan in the middle of Fe)rary%-
-All right,- I told her% -I,m there%-
-I wish I was, right now,- she said% -It,s like all I think a)ot anymore%
All I want, yo know1 Jst to )e
there%-
I nodded, )t to me California was so far away as to not )e real, .st like so mch
else these days%
I was late for #ractice as sal, and when I walked in everyone was waiting for me%
-Caitlin,- Chelsea Do))ins said% -Glad yo cold .oin s% Have a seat! we need to
talk to yo%-
I )linked, hard, and started to walk over to the )leachers% Averyone
e(ce#t Dina7who was #retending
to )e #reocc#ied with tying her shoe7was watching me% &hey were all in their
#ractice clothes, shorts
and &4shirts, )right white +ikes with white socks% I was in sweats% Aven when I was
in niform, I always
wore tights and a sweater7I coldn,t remem)er the last time I,d let anyone see my
arms or legs )are%
&his wold have )een )ad even if I hadn,t )een stoned% 5ith that added element,
however, it was all I
cold do to sit down and remain calm as all eyes stayed on me%
&he cheerleading intervention, I thoght, looking arond me at all those #erky faces,
staring at me flatly
as if I was a s#ecimen a)ot to )e sla##ed on a slide% Here we go%
-Caitlin,- Chelsea )egan as she sat down, folding her hands in her la#, -we thoght it
was time we
discssed what yo see as yor role in the ftre of this s3ad%-
All those eyes, on me% I swallowed, and it sonded loder than God%
-"y ftre,- I said%
-2es%- Chelsea,s li#s were #ink and glossy, and she #rsed them a lot when she
talked% I had not noticed
this )efore% -It,s no secret that yor #artici#ation and commitment of late has )een,
well, lacking% Am I
right1-
&here was a low mrmr from the #ack as everyone agreed%
-2o show # late, yo have no energy, yo )arely make ir to games,- Chelsea
contined, ticking each
reason off on a slender finger%
-2o don,t attend s3ad fnctions% And there,s )een some s#eclation
that yo may %%% have some kind of #ro)lem%-
"ore mrmring% Ali;a $rake nodded her head, her #onytail )oncing% &he lights in
the gym were so
)right and I cold hear them );;ing, like a swarm of angry )ees a)ot to sting% I
looked # at them,
wincing in the glare%
0ro)lem, I thoght% 2o don,t know the half of it%
-Caitlin%- Chelsea was losing #atience% Beside her, Lindsay 5hite, whose teen
modeling career had )een
lost when I fell on her, rolled her eyes% Bitter% -5e wanted to give yo a chance to
res#ond% &o make
yor case%-
I looked arond at them, all so #retty and healthy, the )est and the )rightest% I saw
Dina, looking sadly at
me, and Ali;a $rake, who had lost those nagging fifteen #onds and was ready to
make to# of the
#yramid again% And then I thoght of Corinna, crying in the dark at her hose as the
sn went down and
it grew colder and colder%
-Caitlin,- Chelsea said as she shook her head, her #onytail )o))ing
from side to side, -don,t yo even
care anymore1-
I didn,t )elong with these #eo#le% I never had% +e(t to my life with Dogerson and the
ongoing strggle to
avoid fll contact, cheerleading seemed even sillier and more nim#ortant than ever%
It was like another
world, another langage that I,d hardly learned and already forgotten%
$on,t yo care anymore1 $on,t yo1
&his 3estion seemed ldicros to me% /f corse I didn,t care% If I did, I woldn,t )e
)iding a )rise on
my arm and one on my )ack% I woldn,t )e shroding myself in long sleeves and
chain4smoking, watching
myself shrink down to nothing as I tried to )e invisi)le%
$on,t yo care, Caitlin1
&hey were all still watching me%
-+o,- I said )lntly to Chelsea Do))ins and her #ink, #ink li#s, then lifted my eyes
to look across all
their faces% -I don,t%-
I cold feel them all reacting to this as I walked down the )leachers
and started across that shiny gym
floor, where I,d done a hndred cartwheels and clim)ed ato# so many #yramids what
seemed a million
years ago%
-Caitlin,- Dina called after me% -5ait%-
Bt I was already gone, #lling my arms tight against my chest as the door slammed
sht )ehind me%
I walked ot to my car, got in, and locked the door% &hen I sat there, in the em#ty
#arking lot, and cried%
It was the worst kind of so))ing, the kind that hrts yor chest and steals yor
)reath% +o one cold
hear me%
I coldn,t )elieve I was #set a)ot )eing kicked off the cheerleading
s3ad, since I,d hated it right
from the start% Bt it wasn,t .st that% It was that at least while I was on the s3ad I
had some sem)lance
of a normal life: my old life% Bt now, I was .st a girl with a )oyfriend who )eat
her, who smoked too
mch% I was drowning in )road daylight and no one cold tell%
I was de to meet Dogerson at my hose right after #ractice, at si( shar#, so I had
time to take the long
way home, following Dina,s driving and crying #ath% 5hen I #assed Corinna,s, all
the windows were dark
and her car was gone% I thoght of her coming home that night to a #itch4)lack
hose, holding her hand
ot in front of her face as she fond her way to a candle and a match% &he dark might
not )e so )ad
when it was everywhere, even otside%
I drove ot to the lake, then )ack into town throgh Dina,s old neigh)orhood,
#asing for a minte in
front of her second ste#father,s
hose to crse him, .st like she did% &hen I headed home, taking
my
time, and #assed my hose, driving # the street to hang a right and #ll into
Commons 0ark%
I hadn,t )een there in years% &he slide and the swing set were new, )t the sand)o(7
where Cass had
reached ot with a shovel and changed my face forever7was the same% I went and
sat on its edge,
reaching down to scoo# # a handfl of the grainy, wet sand, imagining
the layers )eneath it, fll of lost
)ttons and action figres and Bar)ie shoes, all )ried and fossili;ed like dinosar
)ones% &here was
something of mine here, too%
I reached # with my finger and traced the scar over my eye)row, remem)ering
when that was the
greatest hrt I,d ever known% 5hen I closed my eyes, I #ictred my mother carrying
me all the way
home, and my father holding my hand while the needle di##ed in and ot, otlining
the arc of my scar%
And finally, with my own memory, I saw the way Cass,s e(#ression changed
whenever her eyes drifted
across my face, taking it as hers as mch as my own%
&hat had )een a different time, a different hrt% I coldn,t even remem)er
that #ain, now%
I sat at the #ark for a long time, rnning my fingers throgh the sand% I thoght a)ot
everything:
cheerleading, my )rises, Doger4son,s face in the #ictre I,d taken of him, my
mother,s chi##er voice on
the #hone, and Corinna at A##le)ee,s, #shing *#er *ndaes and dreaming of
California% Bt mostly I
thoght of Cass, and how I wished she was here to claim this hrt, too%
I was still there when Dogerson slowed down, seeing my car, and #lled in% His
headlights moved across
the swing and slide and monkey
)ars to finally find me, staying there like a s#otlight% He didn,t get ot of
the car, )t .st left the engine idling as he waited%
I s3inted as I stood #, #lling my .acket arond me% Like always,
I didn,t know what to e(#ect from
him% I slid a handfl of that sand into my #ocket, wondering what relics it had once
held% I r))ed the
grains )etween my fingers, like charms, then took a dee# )reath and ste##ed into
that )right, )right light%
Cha#ter >>
I didn,t tell my mother that I,d )een kicked off the s3ad, e(actly% In fact, she was so
)sy winning Cass
)ack7#hone call )y #hone call7she didn,t even 3estion my flimsy e(#lanation
a)ot how in the lll
)etween winter and s#ring s#orts there were fewer #ractices% *o I )egan s#ending
more time in the
darkroom at the Arts Center when she thoght I was doing cheerleader stff: sticking
to my former
schedle and going there after school, then showing # at the same time for dinner%
/n game nights, I,d
.st call Dina from wherever I was with Dogerson to find ot who,d won )efore I
went home%
&his was sr#risingly easy% "y mother was distracted not only with Cass )t also
with her annal A#ril
Fool,s #arty, my father with a new semester, a chancellor search and the men and
women,s )asket)all
teams in the thick of "arch "adness% +ow it almost seemed that I was )ecoming
invisi)le, #assing
throgh the hose in my long sleeves and .eans7even as the weather heated #7
my eyes red
regardless
of 8isine, hardly talking e(ce#t to answer their standard 3eries: How was school1
5ho won
the game1 5old yo #lease #ass the #otatoes1
And the answers came easy, atomatically% Fine% 5e did% 2es%
&he only time I ever felt safe anymore was when I was at the darkroom,
in the half4light with the door
locked, everything 3iet as I worked develo#ing my #ictres, watching each of the
images come into
)eing right )efore my eyes% *ince Christmas I,d focsed mostly on #ortraits of
#eo#le% I was fascinated
with the way light and angle cold com#letely change the way a #erson looked, and
I,d s#ent the last two
months taking #ictres of everyone I knew, trying to ca#tre each one of their
different faces%
Behind the camera, I was invisi)le% 5hen I lifted it # to my eye it was like I
crawled into the lens, losing
myself there, and everything else fell away%
I,d shot Corinna sitting on her front ste#s in the snlight with the dog, "ings, lying
)eside her% *he was
wearing a long, ga;y skirt and a )ig wool sweater fraying at the cffs% *he,d cocked
her head to the side
and #ro##ed one hand nder her chin, her )racelets glinting in the snshine, the &8
in the distance )ehind
her showing static% Her hair was )lowing arond her face and she was smiling, with
"ings looking # at
her adoringly% I,d had the #ictre framed and gave it to her as a gift% *he,d hng it on
the wall in the living
room, ne(t to a hge Ansel Adams #rint of a canyon% *he said she coldn,t remem)er
the last time she,d
seen a #ictre of herself that she liked, and sometimes
when we were sitting on the coch .st hanging
ot I,d catch her looking at it, stdying her own face as it smiled )ack at her%
I #osed Boo sitting in the grass of her )ackyard, cross4legged, right )eside her
chi##ed cement Bddha,
)oth of them smiling and content% And I fond my mother, her chair #lled # close
to the &8, leaning
forward to scan the screen dring Lamont 5hi##er, looking for Cass% *he,d )een so
a)sor)ed she
hadn,t even heard me take the #ictre, her face ho#efl, intent, watching careflly so
as not to miss a
single thing% &hat #ictre I )ried dee# nder my sweaters in a drawer: it .st hrt
me, somehow, to look
at it%
Dogerson didn,t have mch #atience for getting his #ictre taken, )t occasionally I
caght him: )ending
over the engine of the B"5 with the hood #, reaching with one hand to )rsh )ack
his hair% *tanding in
Corinna,s kitchen drinking a 2oo Hoo with that )ig velvet
Alvis taking # the whole frame )ehind him%
Lying on his )ed right ne(t to me, the lens .st inches from his face, smiling slightly,
slee#ily, as I clicked
the shtter%
&hese were #ictres I rshed to develo#, holding my )reath as they emerged )efore
me% I,d e(amined
them so closely, as if they were #roof, a)solte docmentation that he wasn,t a
monster, that he was still
the gy I,d fallen in love with% I,d )ring them home and stick them in my dream
.ornal, as if him smiling
here or looking at me nicely there wold )alance ot the trths I,d written to Cass in
those same #ages%
I ke#t collecting faces, as if )y holding all these #eo#le in my hands I cold
convince myself that
everything was still okay% *o I had $ave, r))ing his eyes with hair askew, half a
fro;en )rrito in one
hand% Dina in her cat,s4eye snglasses and cheerleading niform, smoking a cigarette
and sticking ot her
tonge% "y father in his chair, watching a )asket)all game, his face so e(#ectant as
the seconds ticked
down and his team took a last4chance, do4or4die shot% And Dogerson, again and
again, smiling, not
smiling, scowling, laghing, glaring% &he only e(#ression I didn,t have of his was the
one I knew )y heart:
the dark eyes, angry face, flshed skin7the last thing I sally saw )efore
s3ee;ing my eyes sht and
)earing down%
"y favorite #ictre, thogh, was one I hadn,t even taken% Doger4son and I had )een
at Corinna,s, sitting
at their kitchen ta)le, when she,d #icked # my camera and leaned in close to s,
telling s to say cheese%
&he day )efore, Dogerson had gotten #set with me for some reason7it was easier,
sometimes, to .st
forget the s#ecifics7and #nched me in the arm, which meant in the #ictre I was in
my safe ;one, when
he was trying to make # with me% In the #ictre I,m on his la# as he sits at the ta)le,
my head against his
chest% He has one arm arond my waist, and .st as Corinna hit the shtter he,d
tickled me, making me
)rst ot laghing, and he had, too% It is one of those great moments, the kind yo
can,t #lan% *ometimes
the light or the e(#ression
is .st #erfect, and yo,re lcky enogh to catch it, sally accidentally%
I s#ent a lot of time looking at that #ictre% 5ondering what I,d think of that girl, if I
was someone else,
seeing how easily she sits in her )oyfriend,s la#, laghing, with his arms arond her%
I wold have thoght
her life was #erfect, the way I once thoght Cass,s was% It was too easy, I was
learning, to .st assme
things%
/ne day I took all my #ictres and hng them arond my room, tacking them to the
walls, the mirror,
even the ceiling% &hen I stood and stared at each of the faces, stdying them one at a
time% I learned them
careflly, aware of every nance in their e(#ressions% &hey stared )ack at me,
fro;en, )t even thogh I
cold read their entire world in their faces, none of them were looking that closely at
me%
====================================
Cass sally called after dinner, when I was already long gone ot the door to
another -cheerleading
meeting,- or on the weekends, when I was locked in the darkroom or with Dogerson%
Bt one late
*nday afternoon I was the only one home when the #hone rang%
-Caitlin1-
It was so strange to hear her voice, and I felt myself catch my )reath% Bt I didn,t say
anything%
-Caitlin% It,s me,- she said% *he sonded so far away% -It,s Cass% I can,t )elieve yo,re
finally there when I
called% How are yo1-
I swallowed, hard, and looked ot the window% I cold see Boo in her )ackyard,
misting a row of ferns%
-Caitlin%- *he sonded confsed% -Hello1-
I ran a finger # and over my neck, feeling down to the s#ot )elow my collar where
I,d hit the to# of my
seat )elt the night )efore when Dogerson had #shed me% I #ressed down on the
)rise: It didn,t hrt that
)adly% I was learning even the smallest #sh cold )ring a swelling, )le4)lack s#ot,
the )ody infinitely
more dramatic than it needed to )e%
-Hello1- she said again, and I closed my eyes% -Caitlin1 Are yo there1-
I cold see her in my mind, that time on the Lamont 5hi##er *how, dcking her
head and smiling as she
wrote something on her cli#)oard, and the way she glanced # for that one second,
like she was looking
right at me% Like she cold see me, sitting on Corinna,s coch, stoned and lost%
-I nderstand if yo,re #set with me,- she said, sddenly% -Bt I had to leave% "y
whole ftre had )een
#lanned )t it wasn,t what I wanted% It was like I had no choice anymore% &hat,s a
terri)le feeling,
Caitlin%-
I cold see her reaching ot with a finger, smoothing over the scar, and sighing%
*he looks .st like yo, Corinna had said% *he cold )e yo%
-Caitlin1- Cass said, and I trned away from the window, looking down the stairs
and ot the front door,
trying to #ictre her making that walk away from this% It seemed like so far, and I
was so tired% &ired of
kee#ing time, of stdying faces, of hiding )rises% /f disa##earing,
)it )y )it, while my world ke#t going
withot me, even as I sli##ed farther )eneath the water, drowning%
-Come on,- she whis#ered% -&alk to me%-
I wanted to% Bt the words .st woldn,t come% And when I hng #, she didn,t call
)ack%
====================================
&he ne(t day, when I #lled # to Corinna,s after school, the front door was o#en% As
soon as I ste##ed
into the living room, I cold hear them%
-I .st don,t nderstand why yo took the money ot,- Corinna was saying% -&his
was, like, or last
chance with them%-
-It,ll )e all right,- I heard $ave say% -Calm down% 5e,ll get the money%-
-How1 &ell me%-
-I told yo I know that gy at the ato sho#% He said to come in anytime, he,d hire
me% I,ll go tomorrow%
It,s no )ig deal%-
Corinna sighed, lodly, and I heard her )racelets .ingle% I ste##ed )ack ot on the
#orch, easing the
door sht )ehind me% "ings, lying ne(t to the rocking chair, closed his eyes as I
leaned over to scratch
his ears%
-&hey needed the rent today, $avid,- Corinna said% -&he check )onced last week%-
-I thoght we had it covered%-
-5e wold have if yo hadn,t taken the money ot,- she said, e(as#erated%
-I mean, we,ve talked a)ot
this% "ore than once%-
-I told yo, Corinna,- $ave said, and now he sonded irritated, -I needed it% /kay1-
-Jst like yo needed the #ower )ill money% And the money I set aside for "ings to
go to the vet%-
Corinna strode into the living room, snatched her cigarettes off the ta)le, and then
walked )ack throgh
the swinging door to the kitchen% -$avid, I,m working my )tt off in this cra##y .o)
for that money%
&here,s no way I can do more than I,m already doing% And we,ll never get to
California if we don,t
start7-
-/h, man,- $ave said% -$on,t )ring that California shit # again%-
-5ell, if yo cold .st find a way to )ring in some money we cold save # enogh
7-
-I knew it,- $ave said angrily, his voice rising% "ings lifted his head% -It always
comes )ack to me% I
can,t kee# a .o), I can,t )ring home the money yo need for La4La Land% 5ell,
Corinna, I,m sorry I,m
sch a failre to yo% I gess yor mom was right, hh1-
-$avid, no,- Corinna said, and her voice sonded choked% -It,s .st that we,d do
)etter if yo cold
.st7-
-2o don,t seem to have any tro)le smoking the #ot I get for yo,- $ave went on% I
felt ncomforta)le:
I,d never heard him yell )efore%
-2o take that with no #ro)lem% Bt yo want me to go work at the
Fast Fare for si( )cks an hor )efore ta(es .st so yo can take the damn dog to the
vet1-
-I don,t want s to have to strggle so mch,- Corinna said, and now I cold tell she
was crying% I
remem)ered how they,d looked that day in the kitchen, dancing arond the dog
)owl, how ha##y she,d
)een% *o in love, like I imagined Cass was% Like I wanted to )e%
-5ell, I,m sorry I can,t give yo everything yo want,- $ave said, and I cold tell he
was coming closer
even )efore he #shed the kitchen door o#en with a )ang% I tried to ste# ot of sight
)t he saw me,
sto##ing sddenly in front of the &8% -/h7hey, Caitlin%-
-Hi,- I said, as "ings wagged his tail )eside me, thm#ing against the #orch% -I
was .st7-
Corinna ste##ed ot of the kitchen, her arms crossed against her chest% Her face was
streaked with
tears and she woldn,t look at me% -Caitlin,- she said, tcking her hair )ehind her
ear, -this isn,t a good
time, okay1-
&hey were )oth .st standing there, and I sddenly felt st#id and hel#less, like I
didn,t )elong anywhere%
-2eah,- I said% -*re% I,ll .st, m, see yo later%-
I trned arond and started down the ste#s, and "ings followed me across the yard%
He ran )ehind my
car all the way down the )m#y dirt road, sto##ing to sit )y the mail)o(, as if he
knew he coldn,t go
any farther% After I trned onto the highway I looked )ack and cold )arely make
him ot in the settling
dst, watching me as I left him )ehind%
====================================
&here were some times7when things got )ad7that I saw something
flash across Dogerson,s face, like
he coldn,t )elieve what he,d done% Like he,d .st woken # and fond himself
standing over me, fist still
clenched, looking down in dis)elief at the #lace on my
sholderIarmIstomachI)ackIleg
where he,d .st
hit me% I wondered if he was thinking of his father, and the marks he,d left )ehind%
And even as I felt the
s#ot with my own fingers, knowing already what the )rise wold look like, I felt
sorry for him, like for
that one second he was .st as scared as I was% It was so strange% *orry for him%
====================================
By the last weekend in "arch, #re#arations for my mother and Boo,s annal Fool,s
0arty were in fll
swing% &hey,d )een throwing it since )efore I cold remem)er, to cele)rate the day
that Boo and *tewart
had moved in ne(t door way )ack )efore I was even )orn% 5hat had )egn as an
intimate,
chi#s4and4di#, cheese4and4crackers sort of event had swelled with each year to
inclde all of my
#arents, and Boo and *tewart,s friends, as well as most of the neigh)orhood% &he mi(
of academic ty#es
and yoga4instrcting +ew Agers garanteed
that the #arty, which always seemed to fall on the first
warm weekend of s#ring, wold )e interesting%
For a fll week )efore, my mother and Boo were in serios cooking
mode% /r free;er and fridge were
#acked with cheese )alls and )aklava, shrim# waiting to )e #eeled, )ags #on )ags
of sliced ccm)ers
and radishes sha#ed like rose)ds% "y mother handled the meat eaters, while Boo
and *tewart made
marinated tof, tem#eh salad, vegetarian gm)o, and vegan cookies ?which tasted
thick and dry, like
eating straw@% &he food was #olitely segregated, ever since the e#isode a few years
ago when one of
*tewart,s friends, a Bddhist vegan, accidentally mistook a cra) #ff for a wheat4
free )iscit% &here was
a hge scene and no cra) had crossed or threshold since%
If my mother had )een distracted )efore, the #arty took whatever was left of her
attention% *he was like
a whirling dervish, ;ooming arond the hose with a dstrag in one hand and a )owl
of seven4layer di# in
the other, while my father )sied himself fi(ing # the yard and scra#ing the grill to
#re#are to make shish
ke)a)s% It had always
)een Cass,s and my .o) to stay ot of the way and not eat any of the things made
for the #arty in the days )efore, thogh she was an e(#ert at #icking a shrim# or
snarking some di#
withot my mother noticing% &he night of the #arty we collected coats, snck a glass
or two of
cham#agne, and cam#ed ot in Cass,s room, which had the )est view of the
)ackyard% From there we,d
smggle in food and take )ets on the e(act time my mother and Boo wold get ti#sy
enogh to start
singing show tnes, accom#anied )y *tewart on his klele% 5e were never off )y
very mch%
&his year, I didn,t even want to go to the #arty% I .st concentrated on staying ot of
the way, dodging
my mother as she vacmed )eneath
my feet or asked me to taste the new and im#roved )atch of her
famos s#inach4artichoke di#% I .st drifted throgh the hose, my sleeves #lled
tight, concentrating on
)ecoming more and more invisi)le,
fading to nothing% I knew that soon I cold sli# away and no one
wold notice7if they,d even known I was there to )egin with%
====================================
&he &hrsday )efore the #arty, Dogerson and I were at "c$onald,s
for lnch% It was )eatifl ot,
finally warm, and I,d made it to meet him at the trnarond early% A good day%
He had the hood #o##ed on the B"5 and I was sitting on the cr), my history )ook
o#en in my la#,
when I caght a whiff of the first s#ring )ree;e: the smell of #ollen, and grass, and
snshine% I took a si#
of my milkshake and looked # at Dogerson, .st as that same )ree;e rffled )ack
his hair% He glanced
#, smelling it too% &hen he looked at me, lifting his chin, and smiled%
-Hey, Dogerson,- I said, as he dcked his head )ack nder the hood%
-2eah%-
I glanced down at my )ook, then looked )ack at him, lifting a hand to )lock ot the
sn so I cold see
him clearly% -How long,s an eon1-
As he took a minte to answer, I thoght )ack to how ama;ed I,d )een, at the
)eginning of all of this, )y
how mch he knew% Back then he was .st a )rilliant, good4looking )oy who liked
me and made me feel
s#ecial% 5e cold have gone anywhere from there%
Bt as I looked at my reflection in the chrome of the )m#er in front of me, I saw
myself as I was, now:
skinny, long )aggy shirt #lled tight over my wrists, .eans, and snglasses% Fingers
smelly from smoking,
the to#ogra#hy of )rises across my skin and )ones like a road ma# of all that had
ha##ened, every mile
of the .orney%
-An eon,- Dogerson re#eated, lifting his head # and looking at me again% &here
were moments when my
heart ached for him: I loved him so mch% It was strange% -A )illion years,- he said%
-Dight1-
-2eah,- I said% -2o,re right%-
He nodded, then let the hood fall gently sht% I closed my eyes as the )ree;e )lew
throgh again,
smelling like smmer%
-&hat,s a long time,- he said, and I o#ened my eyes, remem)ering how he,d stood in
the doorway of that
#arty, all those months ago, lifting his chin in that same way and calling to me%
Come on, he,d said% Come
on%
A )illion years% It was long enogh to learn a lot a)ot someone%
-2eah,- I said, as the )ree;e )lew over s )oth, sweet and fresh and so )rand4new
nder a #erfect )le
sky% He was smiling at me, and for some reason it almost )roke my heart% -It is%-
====================================
/n the Friday )efore the Fool,s 0arty, my mother came into my room and sat on the
)ed with a )ag in
her la# from Belk,s de#artment store% &hen, she took a dee# )reath%
I was lying on my )ed, still a little stoned from the )owl Dogerson and I had smoked
on the way home
from school%
-Honey,- she said, scooting a little closer, -I,ve )een worried a)ot yo%-
Instantly, even in my detached state, my interior alarms started to flash% Cover,
cover, cover% *et the
#lay, kee# the defense going% Dn and shoot%
-I,m fine,- I said%
-Caitlin,- she said, cocking her head to the side% -&here are some things a mother
can,t hel# )t notice%-
*he crossed her legs, her #anty hose r))ing against my el)ow% *he still dressed like
the #erfect
hosewife, in nice skirts, flats, and li#stick at all times% *he was like one of her dolls:
delicate, lovely, and
somewhat dated%
-I,m okay,- I said% -Deally%-
*he sighed again, and I wondered if this was how it wold all end% &hat may)e she
wasn,t as )lind as I,d
thoght and had )een watching me as closely as she scanned that &8 screen each
day for a glim#se of
her other lost daghter% A#ril Fool, on me% *r#rise%
-I,m concerned,- she said, and I reali;ed I was holding my own )reath, )racing
myself for what was
coming ne(t% "ay)e I wold tell her everything, roll # my sleeves and .eans to
detail each )rise and
)lemish% Crm#le into her arms and cry as hard as I did that day she resced me
from the #ark, holding
me tight against her as she ran )lock after )lock% *wim # throgh that water, higher
and higher, and
)rst ot to gra) her arm )efore I drowned%
I looked # into her face, my own heart aching% "ay)e this was it% "ay)e she cold
save me%
-I,m concerned,- she re#eated, -that yo seem to have com#letely a)andoned
#rimary colors%-
-5hat1- I said%
-0rimary colors,- she re#eated% -Caitlin, all yo ever wear now is )lack% An
occasional red or white, )t
that,s it% 2o know how nice yo always looked in )le%-
I still do, I thoght% Look here, on the )ack of my wrist, those two s#ots the si;e of
fingerti#s% /r here,
at the )ase of my )ack: &hat,s )le, too% -"om,- I said%
-5ell, I .st think with a face as #retty as yors color can only make yo look )etter%
Black washes yo
ot, honey% Color adds% Color enhances%-
I looked # into her face, )t she didn,t seem to see me, even as I #leaded that she
wold%
-*o, with that in mind,- she went on )riskly, -I saw this dress today
and I .st had to )y it for yo for
the #arty tomorrow night% Look at this<- *he o#ened the Belk,s )ag, #lling ot a
short white dress with a
swooshy skirt, covered with a green ivylike #rint% It was the kind of dress yo wore
with )are legs and
)are arms, white stra##y sandals and yor hair loose and long% -5hat do yo think1-
I r))ed the fa)ric )etween my fingers: It was smooth and stretchy% A smmer dress,
like so many
others in my closet I woldn,t wear this year%
-It,s )eatifl,- I said, and looked # at my mother, with her hair in its little fli#, her
#earls, her #m#s
with the scffs on the heel% I looked at her hard, right in her eyes, and dared her in
that one second to see
something else in me% +ot the )rises, which I cold hide well, or the shame, which
I hid )etter% Bt
something else at the very heart of me that she shold have seen from miles and
miles away%
And my mother looked right )ack, )linked ha##ily, and then #atted
my leg, standing #% -Good, good,-
she said, smiling down at me% -I .st wanted yo to have something )right and
cheerfl to wear%-
-I know,- I said% -&hank yo%-
5hen she left I locked the door )ehind her and stood #, sliding off my .eans and
shirt and #lling the
dress over my head% It was )eatifl: &he smmer )efore, it wold have looked great
on me% Bt now my
legs and arms seemed thin and s#indly, marked here and there )y )le4)lack or
)lack4yellow )rises in
different #hases of healing,
scra#es and s#ots where the skin had )een twisted and yanked that
someone else woldn,t notice )t I cold not miss%
I stood in front of my mirror and trned slowly, watching the skirt twirl # and fall
arond my knees% I
wanted to )e a girl that cold wear a dress like this% Instead, the girl in the mirror
looked )ack at me, and
I hardly recogni;ed her% *he was .st some strange girl who,d tm)led off a #yramid,
falling into a dream,
and now waited, in a )eatifl dress, like some #rincess in a forgotten fairy tale, for
someone
to come
save her%
====================================
&hat night, my #arents, Boo and *tewart and I all went otside to hel# #t # the
tent my father had
rented for the #arty% &he rental #lace always offered to set it # for a fee, )t my
father insisted we cold
do it orselves% After the year )efore, when my mother had )een redced to tears and
*tewart had )een
clocked in the head with a #ole, rendering him tem#orarily nconscios, my father
had )roken down and
recrited a few fraternity )rothers who were on thin ice for ha;ing infractions to hel#
s%
It was .st dsk and we were all standing arond with #oles and )indings, waiting
for my father7who
was already grm)ling nder his )reath7to get things started%
-All right, Bckley, I need yo over here,- he shoted, and one of the )rothers
nodded and crossed in
front of s diagonally, dragging the tent )ehind him% -And Charles, get that end
#iece and stand right
across from him%-
-Jack, shold I #t on the )ack light1- my mother called ot%
-+o, no,- he said, irritated, even thogh now it was almost too dark for s to see
each other% 5e all
stood there, silently, waiting for orders% -Caitlin, go stand directly across from
Bckley% And "argaret,
yo get five feet down from her%-
-/kay<- my mother called ot cheerflly, loo#ing her arm in mine as we walked
across the grass
together% -I,m so e(cited a)ot the #arty,- she said, s3ee;ing my sholder% -Aren,t
yo1-
-*re,- I said% &here was something nice, actally, a)ot )eing there in the falling
darkness with my
family,s voices all arond me% It was the same time of night Cass and I had always
#layed tag and
kick)all, rnning across yards and over fences ntil we were called in to dinner,
smelling of sweat, or
knees mddy and grass4stained%
-*tewart<- my father yelled%
-2es,- *tewart said cheerflly from right )ehind him%
"y father .m#ed, startled, and then smoothed down his hair over his small )ald
s#ot, calming himself% -I
need yo,- he said slowly, -a)ot one foot down from where yo are%-
-/ne foot,- *tewart said in his soft voice, measring it careflly with one ste#% Boo,
to his right, scooted
down a few feet and #lanted herself, already onto my father,s system%
-/kay,- my father said, after distri)ting stakes and )indings to ail of s% -+ow what
we,re going to do is
#lant this center stake, and then connect all of the )indings to it, therefore raising the
tent%-
-*onds good<- my mother, the cheerleader, said%
-/ch< Christ<- someone said lodly%
-Bckley<- my father said%
-*omething )it me,- Bckley #rotested, and we cold hear a few sla##ing noises% -It
was )ig, too%-
-/h, my goodness,- my mother said% -I,m sre I have some )g stff inside% Let me
.st7-
-5e,re raising the tent now<- my father )ellowed, and we all sna##ed to attention,
taking a few ste#s
)ack as the white material of the tent lifted #, higher and higher, stirring # a )ree;e
nderneath it%
-*hit<- someone said again%
-Bckley,- my father )ellowed% -/ne more ot)rst7-
-+o, sorry,- Boo said a#ologetically% -&hat was me% *omething is )iting over here%-
-I told yo,- Bckley said%
-*ht #, yo wim#,- Charles, his frat )rother, said% -Big )a)y%-
-0ay attention to the tent, #eo#le,- my father said sternly% -&his is not a .oking
matter%-
*o we all concentrated, or tried to, ntil *tewart said thoghtflly, -&his reminds me
very mch of a film I
saw recently on Amish )arn raising% $id anyone else see that #rogram1-
-I did,- Bckley called ot%
-$id yo1- *tewart said% -Becase what I fond really fascinating,
other than .st the craftmanshi#,
was7-
-:h, actally,- Bckley said shee#ishly, -I was, m, kidding% I didn,t see it%-
-&he tent<- my father said again, as he moved arond tying the )indings while we all
tried to )e serios%
-5hat I fond most fascinating, anyway,- *tewart contined, -was the sense of
commnity these #eo#le
fond in a common task% *trangers working together% It,s a rare thing these days, yo
know1-
-If this tent comes down on all of yo tomorrow night,- my father grm)led, from
down low somewhere
checking a )inding, -yo will have only yorselves to )lame%-
-It looks wonderfl<- my mother said, ste##ing )ack and cla##ing her hands%
-$oesn,t it1-
-5onderfl,- Boo agreed, wra##ing her arm arond *tewart,s skinny waist% -*ee
what a sense of
commnity can do1-
5e all laghed and Charles and Bckley waited to )e dismissed while my father,
still grm)ling,
checked the )indings again% It was warm and dark in the yard, and I looked # ar the
sky, thinking )ack
to all the early evenings I,d s#ent ot there, with Cass, )egging and #leading for .st
a few more mintes
of light )efore we had to go inside%
&hen, ot on the street, I heard a familiar rm)ling, slowing down in front of the
hose, and I sna##ed
)ack to my reality% I sli##ed arond the hose, and as I glanced )ack I coldn,t make
ot anyone: I saw
only the tent, so white and )ig and em#ty% I knew I shold have said good4)ye% Bt I
coldn,t% I .st ke#t
moving, watching my game, )ecase it was flly dark now and Dogerson was
waiting%
Cha#ter >F
It was three in the afternoon on the day of the Fool,s 0arty when Dina showed # at
my hose% "y
mother, who was having a minor )reakdown over the lack of citronella candles at
Home $e#ot7she
was convinced someone wold get malaria7let her in% I was in my room, trying to
decide which of my
#ictres to e(hi)it at the Arts Center dring the wine4and4cheese rece#tion that was
or last official class%
I cold only #ick for, so I had all the faces I,d collected s#read ot across my )ed in
a fan sha#e,
e(amining each one and trying to make a decision%
-Hey, stranger%-
I looked # and Dina was standing in the doorway of my room, her arms crossed
over her chest% *he
had on a short, #ink dress and stra##y high4heeled sandals, and her skin7thanks to
her mother,s tanning
)ed7was already a dee# )rown% Her )lond hair was down, crling over her
sholders, a #air of white
snglasses #arked on to# of her head% *he looked so healthy and alive it was like she
was almost
s#arking, right there in front of me%
-Hey,- I said, as she crossed the room and #lo##ed down on the )ed, swinging one
leg to cross it over
the other% -5hat,s going on1-
-I have come,- she said, #lcking her snglasses off her head and e(#ertly folding
them sht, -to kidna#
yo%-
-6idna#1- I said%
-2es%- *he leaned )ack on her hands, narrowing her eyes at me% Her li#s were done
in a #erfect #early
#ink, the color of cotton candy% -Caitlin, yo never do anything with me anymore%-
-Dina,- I said, -I,ve .st )een7-
-2o don,t,- she said, waving me off with one hand% -2o can,t deny it, so don,t even
try% And frankly,
I,m not going to stand for it anymore%-
-2o,re not,- I re#eated, reaching to eliminate a shot of $ave7 half a )rrito
hanging ot of his
moth7from my collection%
-+o%- *he glanced down at my stack of #ictres, s#reading them ot with her hand%
-5ow, Caitlin%
&hese are awesome% &his one7- and she #ointed at the #ortrait I,d done of her,
sticking ot her
tonge7 -is es#ecially striking%-
-&hank yo, - I said, watching as she #icked it # and smiled at her own image% -I
think%-
*he ke#t going throgh, making a##roving noises, ntil she came to the first one I,d
taken of Dogerson,
standing otside Corinna,s with that )leak winter sky )ehind him% *he stdied it,
saying nothing, )efore
sliding it to the )ottom of my stack of discards% &hen she looked at me%
-2o,- she said decisively, -are coming ot to the lake with me for the afternoon%-
I o#ened my moth to say something, )t she held # her hand, sto##ing me% -+o
argments%-
-Bt Dina,- I said% -I can,t% I,m s##osed to meet Dogerson here later and there,s the
#arty tonight%-
-Dogerson,- she said, a slight hint of irritation in her voice, -can do withot yo for
one measly afternoon,
since I have done withot yo since God knows when% 5ith little com#laint, also, I
might add% And yo
and I )oth know the #arty won,t )e in fll swing till at least seven anyway%-
-Dina, I can,t% I,m sorry%- Dogerson hadn,t said s#ecifically when he was coming
over, )t I knew )etter
than to try to #redict when he,d show% -I wold love to do it7-
-&hen do it,- she said firmly, standing # like it was decided% &hen, softening, she
added, -Come on,
Caitlin% It,s a gorgeos day% 5e,ll go ot and eat some chi#s, soak # the sn, and
com#lain endlessly
a)ot or lives% Jst like old times%-
/ld times% Dina,s lake hose was where we,d s#ent most of or smmer the year
)efore, sneaking her
ste#father,s )eers and lying ot on the hge wooden deck while the sn s#arkled
wildly on the water
)efore s% &here was a dock, a hot t), and every fish her ste#father had ever caght
stffed and hanging
on the living room walls: &hey stared ot at yo with dead eyes, their e(#ressions
somewhat shocked as
if they,d )elieved, to the end, that they,d )e thrown )ack in to swim away safe%
-I don,t know,- I said, still hedging% I cold see the lake in my mind, remem)ering
sitting at the end of the
dock in a thick sweatshirt as the sn went down, my feet dangling in the water% &hat
smmer seemed like
forever ago, now% -"y mom #ro)a)ly needs me to stick arond%-
Dina sighed, stood #, and walked to my door, yanking it o#en% -"rs% /,6oren,- she
yelled down the
hallway, and seconds later my mother a##eared, holding her *chool "arm doll )y
the leg, a )ottle of
0ledge in her other hand% *he,d )een moving the dolls arond all week, trying new
arrangements: /ne
had even #o##ed # in the )athroom,
on the floor )y the heating vent, casing my father to shriek like a
schoolgirl when he mistook it for the toilet )rsh%
-5hat do yo think, girls1- she said, hoisting the doll # so we cold see it% -*hold
I arrange all the
townsfolk in one #lace, or )reak them # into smaller, more intimate gro#s1 I can,t
decide%-
5e .st looked at her%
-I have no idea,- I said finally%
-"ore intimate gro#s,- Dina told her% -Less is more%-
-/h,- my mother said, ad.sting the *chool "arm,s little slate, -I gess yo,re
right%-
-+ow, "rs% /,6oren,- Dina went on )riskly, -don,t yo think Caitlin shold come
with me ot to the
lake for the afternoon instead of sitting arond here waiting for Dogerson to call1-
"y mother looked at me% -A)soltely,- she said% -It,s so lovely ot< And Caitlin,
honey, yo cold se a
little color% 2o,ve )een so #ale lately%-
-A(actly,- Dina said, winking at me% -*ee1 5e,ll go ot there, have a late lnch, and
)e )ack in #lenty of
time for the #arty% I #romise%-
-I really can,t7-
-I told yo, no argments,- Dina said right over me, walking to my closet and
yanking it o#en% -+ow I
am going to the store to )y some snacks and sntan lotion, and while I am gone I
want yo to take a
shower, find yor )athing sit, and #t on7- and she reached into my closet,
rmmaging arond )efore
finally #lling ot the white, ivy4#atterned dress my mother had .st )oght me
7-this dress, right here%
It,s #retty and yo can wear it and still get good sn% I,ll )e )ack in twenty mintes%
Be ready%- And then
she threw the dress on the )ed )eside me, #t on her snglasses, and walked ot of
the room% A few
seconds later we heard the front door slam )ehind her%
I looked down at the dress, feeling a )it of the swishy material )etween
my fingers% /f corse Dogerson
hadn,t said when he was coming:
I always had to wait arond to find ot what or #lans were, which
sally meant #tting off any invitations to do anything else ntil it was too late% I
didn,t think he,d mind if I
cold .st tell him where I was going7no sr#rises% I .st had to let him know%
-/h, i can,t wait to see how yo look in that dress<- my mother said, tcking the
0ledge nder her arm%
-2o know, I have some tna salad I made for the #arty, #ls this great #imento
cheese s#read% 5ith
some crackers yo,ll have a wonderfl meal and yo girls won,t even have to cook
anything% I,ll .st #ack
it # for yo right now%-
-/h, "om, yo don,t have to7=
-I want to% It,ll .st take a .iffy%- And she trned arond, so ha##y to )e involved,
somehow, in getting
me ot of the hose, )ack to my old life again% I cold hear her fssing arond,
ri##ing #lastic wra# ot of
the )o(, shaking ot grocery )ags, the same noises I knew from the #re#aration for
all those )ake sales
and Girl *cot cam#ing tri#s%
I took a 3ick shower, then tried to call Dogerson% I had my easy tone ready: Jst
doing a girl thing, no
)ig deal, I,ll )e )ack in an hor or two% Bt the #hone .st rang and rang% After I
dried my hair, I tried
again%
*till no answer% I called Corinna,s, then the main nm)er at his #arents, hose%
+o)ody was home either
#lace%
Dela(, I told myself% Get dressed and then try again%
5hen I #t the dress on, it felt good: light and airy, like wearing smmer% I had a
#retty )ig )rise on my
leg, which it covered, and one fading on my arm that it didn,t! there were a co#le of
others, one on my
)ack, a very old one at the )ase of my neck, )t when I #t on my .acket yo
coldn,t see any of them%
&hen I sat down and called Dogerson again%
Five, si(, seven rings% *till no answer, and of corse he was the only one in the
world withot a machine%
5here was he1 Halfway across town1 /r7the worst case scenario7on his way,
ready to #ll # the
minte I left with Dina1 I hng # the #hone, took a dee# )reath, and hit redial%
+o answer%
I was still trying when I heard a )ee#ing otside%
-Dina,s here<- my mother called ot cheerflly from the kitchen%
-/kay,- I said, hanging # and dialing again% I cold feel my heart )eating, that same
tra##ed feeling I
had every day at lnch as I rshed throgh the hallways, trying to make it to the
trnarond on time% I,d
)een so st#id to let Dina convince me to do this% Come on, come on, I thoght% Jst
)e there%
-I,ve #acked some food for lnch,- I heard my mother saying to Dina% -I .st made
go)s too mch for
tonight anyway%-
-Great,- Dina said% -5ow, is that #imento cheese1-
-Caitlin< Dina,s here<-
-/kay,- I said% -I,ll )e there in a second%- And I listened to them talking in the
hallway, my mother
e(#laining the )est way to serve the tna salad, on lettce, while Dina made listening
noises and #o##ed
her gm% And Dogerson,s #hone rang, on and on% +o answer%
-Hey, /,6oren, get the lead ot<- Dina yelled% -Let,s go<-
-Honey,- my mother said, -I,m #tting one of these two4liter Cokes in this )ag, too,
since I over)oght
for the #arty%-
-Caitlin,- Dina said, -don,t make me come get yo%-
-I,m coming,- I said, and now I was getting nervos, shaky, trying to find a way ot
of this% I ke#t dialing,
again and again, while my mother and Dina talked on, cheerflly, their voices
)oncing down the hallway
and off my closed door%
-God, Dogerson, #ick # the #hone,- I said nder my )reath, even as I heard Dina
coming down the
hallway, her fingers already ra##ing on the door as she #shed it o#en%
-Let,s go,- she said im#atiently% -2o can call him from the lake if yo want% /kay1-
-And I will tell Dogerson where yo are if he calls,- my mother called ot from the
kitchen% -I #romise%-
-/kay,- I said, )t even as I hng # the #hone my stomach was aching, twisting in
on itself%
-Come on then,- Dina said, and stck ot her hand .st like we sed to do as
cheerleaders, #lling each
other to or feet, one )oncy move% -Let,s go%-
-/h, honey<- my mother said as I came down the hallway, cla##ing
her hands e(citedly% -&hat dress
looks .st wonderfl% Bt yo certainly don,t need that .acket% 2o can hardly see the
lovely neckline%-
-I,m kind of cold,- I said, glancing otside 3ickly, wishing Doger4son wold .st
#ll #, so I cold
e(#lain everything while I still had the chance%
-/h, nonsense, it,s over seventy ot,- she said, walking over and )eginning to tg at
my sleeve% -Let s
see the dress )y itself%-
-"om, I don,t want to,- I said, clinging to my cffs even as she tried to #ll it off of
me% Dina looked at
me, raising her eye)rows%
-/h, don,t )e silly,- my mother said, laghing easily% -It,s a sleeveless
dress, Caitlin, and yo have sch
lovely arms% 2o shold show them off<-
-"om7-
-Jst let me see for a second%- *he .st wold not let #, reaching )ehind me to #ll
at the collar, her
thm) )rshing the tender s#ot I had )ack there, and it hrt%
-I,m cold,- I said again%
-/h, #lease% $o this one thing for yor #oor mother,- she said, .a))ing at the )rise
now, and I winced,
#lling myself7hard7ot of her gras#%
-I said no,- I said firmly, and her face fell, shocked, as if I,d sla##ed her% *he
dro##ed her hands and
they .st hng there, lim#, in front of her% -Aren,t yo listening to me1-
Her moth o#ened, )t no sond came ot% &hen she swallowed shakily and said,
-I,m sorry, Caitlin% I%%%
I .st wanted to see how it looked%-
*he was looking at me as if I,d somehow )ecome #ossessed, changing right )efore
her eyes% As if .st
then, at that second, she saw who I,d )ecome over all these months, and it scared her%
I felt like some
#rickly animal, lashing ot, scared as those gly #ossms that sometimes stm)led
ot into daylight%
-5e shold go,- Dina said 3ickly, #icking # the )ag my mother had #acked for s%
-&hanks for the
food, "rs% /,6oren% 5e,ll )e )ack )y si(4thirty at the latest%-
-Fine,- my mother said, one hand flttering to her moth as she forced a smile%
-Have fn%-
I was only half4listening to Dina as we drove ot of the neigh)orhood
and she ke#t # a constant
chatter, talking a)ot Jeff and her life, her voice floating ot )ehind s% Bt all I
cold do was feel my
dread )ilding as I watched the road whisk )y in the side mirror, miles and miles of
it, each one taking
me farther from home%
====================================
By the time we #lled onto the highway that #assed Corinna,s, there was a #art of
me I was afraid
wold e(#lode% I ke#t thinking of Dogerson showing # at my hose, )ee#ing the
horn% 5aiting% And the
#enalty I,d #ay, the hardest of fols, when he fond ot I was gone%
-Dina,- I said 3ickly as Corinna,s came into view, -trn in here%-
-5hat1- she said% I,d interr#ted her in mid4story, something a)ot Jeff,s e(4
girlfriend and a series of
mysterios earrings she ke#t finding in his coch cshions% -Here1-
-2es%-
*he hng a hard left, s#inning ot gravel as we started down the dirt road to their
driveway% "ings was
sitting on the #orch, and he started )arking when he saw s% I didn,t see Corinna,s
car%
-5hat is this #lace1- Dina said, ctting off the engine% *he glanced arond, taking in
the trailer ne(t door
and the hge field to or left that always smelled like manre%
-Jst a friend of mine,s,- I said, getting ot of the car% -I,ll )e right )ack%-
I started # to the hose, #raying that Corinna was home% *he wold nderstand this,
cold get in toch
with Dogerson or e(#lain if he showed # there )efore coming to look for me% I was
already #lanning
what I,d say to her, how she,d shake those )racelets and fi( everything, as I started
# the stairs, glanced
throgh the screen door and saw the living room%
It was mostly em#ty% &he coch was still there, and the &8, )t all the knickknacks
7the )le glass in
the windowsill, the framed Ansel Adams #rints, the clock where the nm)ers were
marked )y steaming
coffee c#s7were gone% As were the afghan from the coch, all of Corinna,s )ttons
from the coffee
ta)le, and the #ictre I,d taken of her sitting on the front #orch with "ings%
It was all .st gone%
I ste##ed inside, letting the door fall softly sht )ehind me% /tside
I cold see Dina in the car, #icking
at her )angs im#atiently, fingers
drmming on the otside door%
I #shed the kitchen door o#en: it, too, was stri##ed of .st a)ot everything, even
the velvet Alvis%
"ings,s )owl was still there, on the cracked tile, and the sink was fll of dishes, the
window over the
small ta)le o#en, dra#es )lowing in the )ree;e%
-*he,s gone,- I heard $ave say )ehind me, and I trned arond to see him standing
there, in a #air of
shorts, )arefoot% He was holding a #ack of cigarettes, his hair sticking # in all
directions, a crease mark
across his face from slee#ing% -*he left yesterday%-
-5hat1- I said% -5here did she go1-
He looked down at the cigarettes, shaking one ot of the #ack and sticking it in his
moth% -Home%
California% I don,t know% Anywhere
away from me%- He laghed as he lit the cigarette, then coghed a
co#le of times, closing his eyes% -Had enogh of my shit, I gess%-
/tside, Dina )ee#ed the horn, and $ave glanced )ehind him, #shing the kitchen
door o#en to glance
ot the front window at her%
-:m %%% did she say anything1- I asked him% -I mean%%%-
-+o#e,- he said, shaking his head% &hen he smiled, kind of grimly, and flicked his
ash into the sink% -It,s
)een coming a while, I gess% I .st didn,t think she,d really go, yo know1- He
r))ed one hand over his
head, his hair s#ringing # nderneath his #alm% -I .st7I didn,t think she,d really
go%- And then he
laghed, like it was fnny, )t he woldn,t look at me%
All this time, Corinna had )een the only one who .st took me as I was, not caring
a)ot whether I wore
#rimary colors, or stck with cheerleading, or s#ent too mch time with Dogerson%
And now, she was
gone%
Dina )ee#ed the horn again, longer this time% *he hated to wait%
-*o,- $ave said, -yo wanna smoke a )owl or something1- And then he smiled at
me, and I felt strange,
as if it was sddenly wrong for me to )e there%
-+o,- I said% -I mean, I have a friend waiting for me%-
-&ell her to come in,- he said%
-+o, I shold go%- I took a ste# forward and he didn,t move, so I dodged arond him,
knocking my
hi#)one against the handle of the stove% I cold smell him7like sweat and slee#7
and I was sddenly
disgsted with )oth of s%
-Come )ack later,- he called ot as the kitchen door swng sht )ehind me% -I,ll )e
here% /kay1-
I walked 3ickly throgh the living room, hitting the screen door hard with the #alm
of my hand% Bt .st
as I started to ste# ot on the #orch, I saw something sitting on the little ta)le in a
small glass dish where
Corinna always ke#t her keys%
&he )racelets% &hey were all there, stacked neatly, glinting in the small s3are of
snlight coming throgh
the window a)ove them, like a treasre, shining and waiting for me to find them%
I wasn,t sre what I was thinking as I scoo#ed them ot of the dish, then slid them,
one )y one, onto my
own wrist% I watched as they fell down my arm: clink, clink, clink, a sond I knew
so well% I ste##ed onto
the #orch, wondering where Corinna was, and how she cold leave them )ehind% Bt
as I watched them
catch the light on my own wrist, making her msic, I knew the trth was that at
home, or California, or
anywhere in )etween, even Corinna coldn,t hel# me now%
====================================
&he first thing Dina did when we got to the lake hose was #t on her )ikini and #o#
o#en a )eer% 5e
sat ot on the front #orch, overlooking
the water, where she slathered Bain d *oleil all over her ntil
she stank of cocont, and I sat in my dress7and .acket7chainsmoking,
the cordless #hone in my la#% I
still coldn,t get ahold of Dogerson, and I was starting to #anic% If he showed # at
$ave,s and fond ot
I,d )een with Dina, and didn,t tell him7no% I coldn,t even think a)ot it%
-5ill yo #t that thing down, for God,s sakes1- Dina sna##ed at me after I,d )een
dialing for a solid ten
mintes, reaching over with one sli##ery hand to gra) the #hone away from me and
dro##ing it onto the
deck )eside her chair, com#letely ot of my reach% -Honestly,
I have never seen anyone so
co4de#endent in my life% 5hy don,t yo go #t on yor sit, have a )eer, and rela(1-
-I,m fine like this%- I stretched my legs ot to make my #oint, easing
the hem of my dress over the fading
)rise on my ##er thigh% &he trth was I was sweating nder my .acket: It was
n)eara)ly hot% I trned
my attention to the lake, where I cold see someone waterskiing, the motor
hmming as a girl on skis ct
a swath )ack and forth across the water%
-Caitlin%- *he lifted # her snglasses and looked at me% -5hat is the matter with
yo1-
-+othing,- I said% -5hy1-
*he ke#t her eyes on me, as if daring me to tell her, like I,d told her a million other
secrets in this same
#lace the smmer )efore: my crsh on Billy Bostwick, lifegard at the commnity
#ool% &hat I secretly
liked liver as a child% &hat I,d stolen Cass,s #earl earrings, the ones she thoght she,d
lost at school% Bt
this was too mch for me to tell Dina% Aven if I really wanted to%
-2o,re .st not yorself,- she said softly% -2o haven,t )een in a long time%-
I leaned )ack in my chair, closing my eyes, and reached my arm # to my face,
letting Corinna,s
)racelets fall down my arm% I cold still hear that motor)oat, hmming #ast, the girl
on skis laghing as
she ct across the waves% -I,m fine,- I said%
-It,s like he,s done something to yo,- she said, and I s3ee;ed my eyes sht tighter
)ehind my
snglasses% -Like he,s changed something in yo% Hrt yo or something%-
I o#ened my eyes and looked at her, my )est friend, her face worried
as she waited for me to res#ond%
I hated to treat her this way% Bt her face, slowly, was re#laced in my mind with a
flash of Dogerson
driving, looking for me, his face changing and eyes growing darker, angry, the way
they looked right
)efore im#act% It was like the mean lady on her )icycle in &he 5i;ard of /;, the
msic )ilding as she
raced to find $orothy: 2o knew she was coming, yo .st didn,t know when%
-Caitlin,- Dina said softly% -0lease% 2o can tell me anything% 2o know that%-
Bt I coldn,t% Dogerson was somewhere, on his way, looking for me% I cold feel it,
the way Boo
always said she cold feel rain coming
in her )ad el)ow% I .st knew%
I took a dee# )reath and sat #, graLLing my cigarettes% -I need to se the #hone,- I
)lrted ot,
reaching over her to gra) it% "y hand )rshed against her skin, dam# and sticky and
warm, as I started
inside
the hose, #shing the sliding glass door o#en% 5hen I looked )ack she was lying
flat on her
chair, one arm thrown across her face, having given # on me%
I called Dogerson at every nm)er I knew, standing nder those rows of stffed fish%
&hey stared )ack
at me, )g4eyed and scared, as the #hone rang on and on, endless, with no)ody
home%
====================================
It was late afternoon and I was long ready to go when Jeff showed #% He snck
arond the side of the
hose, cre#t sondlessly )ehind or chairs, and e(#ertly dro##ed an ice c)e on the
small of Dina,s
already
#ink )ack, scaring the cra# ot of )oth of s%
-Jeff<- Dina s3ealed, sitting # 3ickly and sla##ing her to#7 which she,d ntied
to avoid stra#
marks7against her am#le chest% -Jess, yo almost gave me a heart attack, yo
.erk%-
-Lighten #,- he said easily, sliding a hand arond her leg as he sat down ne(t to her%
He waggled his
fingers at me and did his signatre
move, fli##ing his hair ot of his face with a sna# of his neck% I cold
see myself reflected )ack7an(ios, angry, glancing at my watch one more time7in
his snglasses%
-Dina,- I said, for at least the twentieth time, -I really need to go%- I,d )een #ressing
her for what seemed
like forever, while she ke#t drinking )eers and waving me off%
-5hat,s yor rsh1- Jeff said% -I )roght some steaks, invited over some of the
fellas% &hoght we,d have
s a little cookot%-
-:mm, that sonds good,- Dina mrmred, rolling over onto her stomach again%
-5ho,d yo invite1-
-Ad and Barrett,- he said% -/h, and *cott from the store%-
-I can,t stay,- I told him% -Dina was .st a)ot to take me home, actally%-
-I told yo, I can,t drive home right now,- she said in an irritated voice, scoo#ing
some more #imento
cheese ot of my mother,s &##erware container onto a cracker and #o##ing it into
her moth% -i have to
so)er # first%-
-Dina,- I said, feeling #anic rising in me, higher and higher, even as I tried to s3ash
it down% I,d )een
circling like this madly for over an hor, like an animal a)ot to gnaw its own leg off
to get free% -i told my
mother I,d )e home )y si(4thirty, remem)er1-
-*he doesn,t care,- Dina said easily, as Jeff r))ed her leg, taking a si# of her )eer%
-*he won,t even
notice if yo,re late% Have some dinner
and then we,ll go%-
I lowered my voice% -Dina% I have to go right now% /kay1-
-Caitlin, rela(,- she said% -God, have a )eer or something%- &o Jeff she added, -*he,s
)een like this, like,
all afternoon%-
Jeff looked at me, fli##ed his hair again, and I wanted to kill )oth of them%
-2o #romised yo,d drive me home,- I said to Dina, and I cold feel my throat
getting tight% -2o
#romised%-
-Look, give me the #hone,- she said, gra))ing it slo##ily from where it was lying on
the deck )etween
s% -I,ll call Dogerson and e(#lain
everything% 5hat,s his nm)er1 /h wait, I think I know7-
-+o,- I said, yanking the #hone ot of her sli##ery hand% I cold only imagine how
Dogerson wold
react to hearing where I was from her% -0lease, .st take me home% It,ll only take a
second% /kay1-
-5hat is the matter with yo1- she said angrily% -God, yo,d think it was killing yo
to )e here with me or
something%- And then she looked at Jeff, raising her eye)rows in a can4yo4)elieve4
this kind of way%
For two hors I,d felt myself stretching tighter and tighter, like a r))er )and #lled
to the #oint of
sna##ing% And now, I cold feel the smaller, weaker #arts of myself )eginning to
fray, tiny )its giving way
)efore the )ig )reak%
/t on the lake the sn was hitting right )y the dock, glittering across the water like
diamonds%
-Fine,- I said, standing #% -I,ll get there myself%- I walked off the #orch, across the
scr))y #ine yard
and ot onto the road, which snaked ahead of me over a long )ridge, arond a )end
and miles and miles
into town% Bt I didn,t care% Jst walking wold get me that mch closer, give me the
forward motion to
feel that I cold somehow fi( this%
-Caitlin,- I heard Dina calling ot )ehind me, her voice sn4)aked and drnk% -$on,t
)e ridiclos% Come
)ack here<- I
Bt I was already hitting my stride, sandal stra#s r))ing my feet and Corinna,s
)racelets clinking,
#laying her theme msic, with every ste# I took%
==================================== R
I mst have walked a)ot a mile when a car #lled # )ehind me and )ee#ed,
3ickly, three times% I
walked closer to the edge of the road, eyes straight ahead, willing them to #ass, )t
they didn,t% Instead,
the car rolled closer, slowing down to sto# right )eside me% It was Jeff%
-5old have )een here sooner,- he e(#lained, fli##ing his hair as I fastened my seat
)elt% -Bt "iss Dina
threw a little fit a)ot me leaving her% 2o nderstand%-
-2eah,- I said, as he hit the gas and we s#ed toward town, his )ig converti)le
scking # the road
)eneath s% -I do%-
5e might have talked on the way home: I don,t really remem)er% "y mind was
already working my
defense, figring the #lay, setting the #ick and the rn and shoot% As we got closer to
town, the #ine trees
and flat fields giving way to as#halt and stri# malls, I cold feel the dread that had
)een )ilding in me all
afternoon finally fill me #% And )y the time we got to my hose, every mscle in
my )ody was tight and I
cold hear my heart )eating% I had a cra;y thoght to tell Jeff to .st kee# going,
gnning #ast what was
waiting for me, driving on and on to some#lace safe% Bt I knew Dogerson wold
find me% He always
did%
&here were cars #arked all # and down the street for the #arty, )t I cold see
Dogerson right in front
of the walk% &he B"5 was right )y the mail)o(, windows #, engine off%
-2o know, -Jeff said in his slow drawl as he #lled into Boo and *tewart,s
driveway to trn arond,
-Dina was .st a little ti#sy is all% 2o sholdn,t hold it against her%-
-I don,t,- I said, o#ening my door )efore he,d even come to a fll sto#% &he sight of
Dogerson waiting for
me, .st like all those times at the trnarond, filled me with a fear that clenched
hard in my chest, like a
fist closing over something tightly% -&hanks for the ride, Jeff%-
-Looks like 3ite a #arty,- he said, nodding at my #arents, )ackyard,
where I cold see the tent7still
standing7all lit #, with #eo#ie
milling arond )eneath it% *omeone was #laying the #iano, tinkling and
sweet, and it was slowly getting dark% &he #erfect Fool,s night%
-2eah,- I said, already )acking away from the car% -It always is%-
&he grass was wet on my feet as I ran across it, with Jeff yelling good4)ye )ehind
me% "y hose was all
lit # to my right, and I knew that inside it smelled like #ot#orri, all those dolls
arranged in their intimate
gro#s%
Dogerson,s car was dark as I came # on it, with that eerie green glow from the dash
lights coming from
inside% I o#ened the #assenger door and got in, shtting it 3ietly )ehind me% He
didn,t say anything%
I trned to face him, ready with my e(#lanation, the defense I,d drawn ot in the
long walk and ride
home: I tried to call yo, I coldn,t get here, I,m sorry%
Bt I didn,t even get a word ot )efore he trned, with the face I,d never ca#tred on
film7wrenched
and angry7and sla##ed me across the face%
It was hard enogh to #sh me )ack against my door, which hadn,t sht com#letely
and so fell o#en .st
a )it% I reached ot )ehind me to try and gra) the handle, )t he was already coming
at me again%
-5here the hell have yo )een1- he said, moving so close that his )reath was in my
face, hot and
smoky4smelling% He gra))ed me )y the front of my dress, yanking me even closer to
him, the fa)ric
)nching
in his fist, )lging throgh his fingers% -I have )een waiting for yo for an hor%-
-Dina,- I said 3ickly, gas#ing, -Dina invited me to the lake, I tried to call yo7-
-5hat the fck are yo talking a)ot1- he screamed, and then #shed me away from
him, hard, so that I
fell )ack against the door again and this time it swng o#en flly, making a lod,
scra#ing noise against
the sidewalk% I felt myself tm)ling )ackward, losing )alance even )efore I hit the
#avement, my el)ows
grinding as I tried to catch myself% "y face still stng, my dress )nched # at my
chest, and then he was
sddenly ot of the car, standing over me%
-Get #,- he said, and )ehind me I cold hear the #arty, the #iano, now with voices
singing along% -Get
#<-
-Dogerson,- I said as I strggled to my feet% -0lease7-
-Get #<- he yelled, and gra))ed me )y the arm, yanking me toward
him% I tried to dck my head, to
trn away, )t he was too fast for me% I saw his fist coming and it hit me right over
my left eye, sending
a
flrry of stars and colors across my vision% I slid down, ot of his gras#, onto the
grass: It was wet and
slimy against my )are skin%
I lifted my head and he was standing over me, )reathing hard% I knew I shold get #
)efore someone
saw s )t somehow I coldn,t move, like those voices7all those voices7were
sddenly shaking me
awake, #lling me to the srface% It was the first time he,d done it ot in the o#en,
not inside the car or a
room, and the vastness of everything,
fresh air and s#ace, made me #ll myself tighter, smaller%
-Goddammit, Caitlin,- he said, glancing at the hose, then )ack at me% -Get # right
now%-
I tried to roll away from him onto my side, in the ho#es of getting to my feet, )t
everything hrt all at
once: my face, my fingers, the )ack of my head, my eye, my arms, my skin itself%
Aach #lace he,d ever
strck me, like old war wonds on rainy days%
He ndged me with his toe, in the small of my )ack% -Come on,- he said 3ietly% And
I remem)ered the
first time he,d said it, when all this had started, standing )y that o#en door: Come on%
-+o,- I said into the grass, trying to tck every )it of me in and hide, to sink into the
cracks of the
sidewalk )eneath me%
-Get #,- he said again, a )it loder, and now the ndge was hard, more like a kick% I
rolled a )it, crling
tighter, and closed my eyes% /t in the tent, the song went on to the rosing finish,
then a )rst of laghter
and a##lase%
-Get #, Caitlin,- he said, and I closed my eyes as tight as I cold, clenching my
teeth, thinking of
anything else% Corinna, standing on a cliff in California with the )le, )le water
stretched ot ahead of
her, with even "e(ico in sight% Cass in +ew 2ork, sitting in her window with a
million lights s#read ot
)ehind her% And then, finally me, left )ehind again% And look what I had )ecome%
I .ammed my hand in my .acket #ocket, )racing myself for the ne(t hit, and felt
something% *omething
grainy and small, sticking to the ti#s of my fingers: the sand from Commons 0ark%
/h, Cass, I thoght% I miss yo so, so mch%
-Caitlin,- Dogerson said, and I sna##ed )ack to reality as he reached down and
yanked at my .acket,
trying to #ll me # with it% Bt I .st shook it off, letting it slide over my arms and
away from me,
kee#ing the sand in my hand% "y )are skin was cool, e(#osed nder the streetlight
with the white of the
dress and the green ivy almost glowing%
I was tired% 5orn thin, my s#rings )roken, s#okes shattered% I felt old and )rittle% I
)raced myself,
waiting for the ne(t kick, the ne(t #nch% I didn,t care if it was the last thing I ever
felt%
-Caitlin,- Dogerson said again, and I felt him draw his foot )ack, readying% -I told
yo to7-
And that was as far as he got )efore I heard it% &he thm#ing of footste#s, rnning
# the lawn toward
me: It seemed like I cold hear it throgh the grass, like leaning yor ear to a
railroad track and feeling
the train coming, miles away% As the noise got closer I cold hear ragged )reaths,
and then a voice%
It was my mother%
-*to# it<- she said, her tone steady and lod% -2o sto# that right now%-
-I didn,t7- Dogerson said% And in the distance, sddenly, I cold hear sirens%
Dogerson ste##ed )ack
from me: He heard them, too%
-Get away from her,- my mother said, croching down )eside me% -2o losy
)astard% Caitlin% Caitlin,
can yo hear me1-
-+o,- > said% -5ait7-
I cold feel her smoothing my hair off my face, her own chest heaving against my
sholders% &hen,
sddenly, she said, -/h, my God, Caitlin% /h, my God%-
I trned to her, )t she wasn,t looking at my face% Her moth was o#en, horrified, as
her eyes traveled
over my arms, sholders, )ack, and legs% :nder the white of the streetlight, my skin
was ghostly #ale,
and each )rise, old and new, seemed dark and )lack against it% &here were so many
of them%
Dogerson was )acking away now, even as my mother wra##ed her arms arond me,
so gently, so))ing
as she tried to find a s#ot that wasn,t hrt% &he sirens were coming closer, and I cold
see )le lights
moving across the trees%
&he front door slammed and I cold hear voices gathering, getting closer% &he #iano
msic had sto##ed%
It seemed like everything had sto##ed%
-"argaret1- I heard Boo call ot% -5hat,s going on1-
-5hat,s ha##ening ot here1- I heard my father say, his voice cho##y as he ran
throgh the grass%
-Caitlin1 Are yo all right1-
-It,s over now,- my mother said, still crying softly as she rocked me )ack and forth,
smoothing my hair%
-It,s okay, honey% I,m here% It,s okay%-
-5hat ha##ened1- my father said, )t no one answered him% &he #olice car #lled
# and I heard a
door slam, a voice gar)led and hissing
over the radio inside%
I looked #, trying to find Dogerson, )t it seemed like the dark had somehow
scked him # and he,d
disa##eared% I cold hear everything that was going on arond me: the mrmring of
the Fool,s 0arty
gests, my father talking to the #oliceman, Dogerson com#laining
angrily as the cffs clicked sht% I
cold hear the streetlight );;ing and Boo crying onto *tewart,s sholder when she
saw the )rises on
my skin, the way she whim#ered again and again, I shold have known% I shold
have known%
And all the while my mother was croching over me, her voice steady, rocking me
)ack and forth like
she had the day Cass had ct my eye, saying everything wold )e all right% I coldn,t
even tell her I was
sorry%
I was worn ot, )roken: He had taken almost everything% Bt he had )een all I,d had,
all this time% And
when the #olice led him away, I #lled ot of the hands of all these loved ones,
so))ing, screaming,
everything hrting, to try and make him stay%
====================================
"A
Cha#ter >H
-Caitlin%-
I rolled across my #illow, trning away from the )road green hills otside my
window% "y roommate,
Ginger, the )limic, was standing in the doorway of or room% *he had on overalls,
her hair in )raids, a
#encil tcked )ehind her ear%
-2eah1- I said%
-2o have another visitor,- she said, cocking her head toward the other end of the
hallway% -Lcky girl%-
I got # off the )ed, gra))ing my sweat.acket off the chair of my desk% As I shrgged
it on, Ginger
.m#ed onto her own )ed, #lling a rolled4# crossword #;;le maga;ine ot of her
)ack #ocket% *he
slid the #encil ot from )ehind her ear, licked its ti#, and fli##ed a few #ages in the
maga;ine ntil she
fond her crrent challenge%
I #lled my hair # in my hands as I started ot of or room, # the hallway that was
flanked with hge,
do)le4glassed, floor4to4ceiling windows% It was so )right at midday I imagined it
mst )e like what
#eo#le see in near4death e(#eriences, that long, )right walk that takes yo right to
God% Here, however,
yo o#ened the door at the end to find the visitors, room, where the real world was
allowed to #eek in
every *nday and 5ednesday from three to five%
====================================
I,d )een at Avergreen Care Center since the day after the Fool,s 0arty% 5hat had
ha##ened was a )lr,
#nctated )y flashes of horrific
moments: Dogerson,s face so dark, yelling at me% "y mother, so))ing,
as she careflly trned my arms and legs, e(amining the )rises% And finally, my
own screaming, terri)le
shame as I #lled away from everyone, trying to hold on to the one #erson who had
hrt me the most%
/nce the #olice had taken Dogerson away, my father had carried me inside, where I
sat )alled # in a
kitchen chair, cltching my knees and rocking )ack and forth% "y #arents and Boo
and *tewart
conferred in the other room, made #hone calls, and tried to figre ot what had
ha##ened%
Later, I,d
find ot that it was "rs% "erchant, from the Ladies A(iliary, who,d glanced ot the
front window and
seen s% *he,d told my mother, then called the #olice, which effectively )roke # the
#arty% All that night,
the tent stood em#ty otside, with #onds of tem#eh salad and shelled shrim# rotting
away% It was all still
there, crackers fanned ot on #retty #arty dishes, #nch )owl half4fll, srronded
)y a)andoned glasses
and crm#led na#kins, when I left the ne(t day%
Dogerson,s car was there, too, #arked right where he,d left it% Later, someone wold
come to #ick it #%
"ay)e $ave% Bt the sight of it, sitting there, scared me all night long, as if he was
still sitting in it, waiting
for me so that we cold re#lay that night again and again, like a movie where yo
can,t even tell the end
from the )eginning%
I,d heard of Avergreen Care Center )efore% Cass and I had always made fn of the
st#id ads they ran
on &8, featring some dragged4ot woman with a lim# #erm and )ig, #ainted4on
circles nder her eyes,
downing vodka and so))ing ncontrolla)ly% 5e can,t heal yo at Avergreen, the very
som)er voiceover
said% Bt we can hel# yo to heal yorself% It had )ecome or own rnning .oke,
a##lica)le to almost
anything%
-Hey, Cass,- I,d say, -hand me that tooth#aste%-
-Caitlin,- she,d say, her voice dark and serios% -I can,t hand yo the tooth#aste% Bt
I can hel# yo hand
the tooth#aste to yorself%- 5hich she wold then do, #assing it off to me with a
#sedo4nrtring
s3ee;e of my hand%
Ha, ha% It didn,t seem 3ite so fnny now%
&echnically, I was admitted for drgs% &his was )ecase my mother had fond a
small )ag of #ot and my
)owl in my .acket #ocket, )oth of them coated with Commons 0ark sand% Bt
everyone knew the
)rises, Dogerson, what I had let ha##en to me7was the other reason I was here%
I wasn,t a)le to tell my #arents anything in that first twenty4for hors% I coldn,t say
I was sorry, or
e(#lain how I,d let this ha##en% I .st sat in my room while my mother #acked # my
things, my knees
#lled # tight and close to my chest% 5e left for Avergreen early in the morning, in
the rain, and none of
s s#oke the entire way%
I sddenly reali;ed, in that silent car ride, how long it had )een since any of s had
mentioned Cass ot
lod% It was like I,d finally done something
to overshadow her com#letely, )t not in the way I wanted
to%
5e met with the administrator, who checked me in and then took s to my room% "y
mother made my
)ed and #t away my clothes while my father stood )y the window, watching the
rain, his hand in his
#ockets% &hen it was time for them to leave%
-I,ll )e )ack on 5ednesday,- my mother told me, #lling me close to her chest% *he
was still handling me
so gingerly, as if I was a #iece of china already cracked and a fingerti#,s weight
cold )reak me
com#letely% -I,ll )ring yor )le sweater and some nice shams for this )ed% /kay1-
I nodded% "y father hgged me and kissed the to# of my head, saying, -Hang in
there, kiddo% 2o,re a
good girl%-
I stood in my doorway as they left, my mother da))ing at her eyes and looking )ack
every few ste#s, as
if she wasn,t 3ite sre she cold leave withot me% 5hen the main door clicked sht
)ehind them, I went
)ack and sat on my )ed% &hen I started crying% I didn,t sto# for two days%
I cried in my room and throgh lnch% $ring gro#, individal, and s#eciali;ed
thera#y% $ring crafts
and #ersonal time% I cried the entire time I was making hge amonts of #otato salad
in the kitchen for my
chore work, and then I cried all night long nder a hge, yellow
moon that seemed to take # most of
my window% I cried ot everything I,d ke#t in since that smmer day Cass had left,
)ecoming a hge,
dri##y, snotty mess, a tisse #ermanently )alled in my hand, my eyes so #ffy I
cold hardly see%
I cried for Dogerson, and for Cass, and for myself% I cried )ecase I was ashamed
and I knew I cold
never face all of the #eo#le from the Fool,s 0arty% I cried )ecase I,d foght with
Dina and never had a
chance to a#ologi;e, and I cried )ecase I was homesick and missed my #arents
more than I had ever
thoght #ossi)le% I cried )ecase I missed Dogerson, even thogh I knew that was
cra;y, and I cried
)ecase
Corinna was gone, #ro)a)ly all the way to California, and I,d never told her what a
good friend
she,d )een to me% Bt mostly, I cried )ecase my life had )een going fll s#eed for
so long and now it
had .st sto##ed, like rnning right into a )ig )rick wall, knocking the wind and the
fight right ot of me%
And I didn,t know if I ever even wanted to get # and start )reathing again%
====================================
Avergreen was )eara)le% &here was a certain #eace to it, )eing so seclded, my day
)roken # into tiny
managea)le #ieces% I didn,t think a)ot getting throgh the week, or what wold
ha##en the ne(t day: I
.st concentrated on making it throgh chore detail, or crafts class, or another
thera#y session% It was
easier to take the days in tiny swallows,
rather than )iting everything off at once% I wasn,t sre yet how
mch I cold kee# down%
Ginger, who moved in with me after )eing attacked )y her kle#tomaniac
roommate for sing her nail
file, said that the thing she hated most a)ot Avergreen was all the talking%
-Gro# thera#y, individal, s#eciali;ed,- she com#lained to me one day as she
tackled another
crossword #;;le7her vice7and ignored
the tray of food sitting in front of her on the ta)le )etween s%
-I am so sick of myself, I cannot even tell yo% It,s like I,m some e#isode of the
Brady Bnch I,ve )een
forced to watch eight hndred times% &here,s nothing new there%-
Bt Ginger had )een at Avergreen for almost a year, and she still had to divide her
food into tiny little
#iles7a hierarchy I didn,t 3ite nderstand involving color and consistency7as
well as )e monitored so
that she did not #rge after each meal% As for me, I kind of liked all the talking, at
least after the first
session%
"y doctor, $r% "arshall, was a short, rond woman with wildly fri;;y hair who kind
of reminded me of
Boo% *he wore rnning shoes and .eans and ke#t a )owlfl of Jolly Danchers on the
ta)le in her office%
&hat first day, I ate si( of them, one right after the other, and didn,t say a word% *he
sat and watched me%
I thoght of Cass, that solemn look: At Avergreen, we can,t make yo eat Jolly
Danchers% Bt we can
hel# yo to eat them yorself%
-Jst start somewhere,- $r% "arshall had said to me as I grond a )anana4#inea##le
one to )its
)etween my teeth% -It doesn,t have to )e at the )eginning%- *he,d #lled her legs #,
Indian4style, letting
the legal #ad she,d )een holding dro# to the floor%
-I thoght everything always had to start at the )eginning,- I said%
-+ot in this room,- she said easily% -Go ahead, Caitlin% Jst tell me one thing% It gets
easier, I #romise%
&he first thing yo say is always the hardest%-
I looked down at my hands, stained mildly red from the #articlarly
sticky watermelon Dancher%
-/kay,- I said, reaching forward to take another one ot of the )owl, .st in case%
*he was already sitting
)ack in her chair, readying herself for whatever glim#se I wold give her into the
mess I,d )ecome%
-5hat was the name of 0ygmalion,s sister1-
*he )linked, twice, o)viosly sr#rised% -:mmm,- she said, kee#ing
her eyes on me% -I don,t know%-
-Dogerson did,- I told her% -Dogerson knew everything%-
====================================
$ring my second week at Avergreen, my mother )roght me my dream .ornal%
*he didn,t know what
it was, or even that Cass had given it to me% *he,d .st fond it when she went to trn
my mattress dring
s#ring cleaning, with all of my #hotogra#hs tcked into it% I didn,t ask if she,d read it,
and she didn,t offer
if she had or not% After she left, I s#read the #ictres across the )ed in front of me%
I soon reali;ed that the ones of Dogerson7as well as the only one of s together7
were missing% I cold
.st see her careflly sli##ing them ot, may)e ri##ing them to shreds, )rning them
in the grill among the
)ri3ettes% I coldn,t really )lame her! it was the only way left to #rotect me% Bt all
the rest were there:
Boo with her Bddha! Corinna and "ings on the #orch! Dina and her cigarette! my
father watching the
last4second shot% And finally, at the )ottom of the stack, was one I,d forgotten% It was
the last #ictre I,d
taken, and it was of me%
5e,d )een assigned a self4#ortrait for or final #ro.ect in #hotogra#hy:
&hey were to )e dis#layed )y
or names at the Arts Center e(hi)it,
a way of matching or work to orselves% I,d taken mine the week
)efore the Fool,s 0arty, in my )edroom% I was standing in front of the mirror, the
camera held at my
stomach, shooting # to catch my reflection% In the #ictre yo can see my few
certificates and #ictres
circling the mirror, and a slant of light coming throgh the window
)ehind me% I am wearing a white
short4sleeved &4shirt and )arely, .st )arely, yo can make ot a gray, thm)4sha#ed
s#ot at the )ase of
my neck% I have my head kind of cocked to the side, and I,m not smiling% In fact,
there is no e(#ression at
all on my face, .st a kind of dead, stoned flatness%
I sat on my )ed at Avergreen and looked at that #ictre for a long, long time% I hated
the girl I saw there,
and she didn,t even care, didn,t know, .st staring ot, o)livios% *he,d s#ent her
whole life wanting to )e
someone else, something else, and it had gotten her nowhere% I wanted to reach
throgh that mirror and
shake her, wake her #% Bt it was too late now%
*o I ri##ed the #ictre, one long gash crossing her face% &hen again, and again,
tearing the #ieces down
ntil they grew smaller and smaller, tiny )its like the stones of a cra;y mosaic% "y
hands were shaking as
I )rshed them all #, like tossed confetti, into my hand% I went to throw them in the
trash can, )t .st as
I was a)ot to o#en my hand and let them fall like confetti, something sto##ed me%
I em#tied the #ieces of the #ictre into a small )ag, then crled ir sht and #t it
careflly in the front
drawer of my desk% &hen I went and lay down on my )ed, closing my eyes and
trying to clear my mind%
Bt still, all I cold think a)ot was that girl, torn into tiny fragments, with nothing
to do )t sit and wait to
)e made whole again%
====================================
If there was one thing that set me a#art from everyone else at Avergreen,
it wasn,t that I,d had a drg
#ro)lem, or family isses, or that my )oyfriend had )eaten me% &hese things were a
dime a do;en here,
and everyone wore their nerosis like a )adge, each carrying a certain weight, the
way a #articlar )rand
of sweater or .eans had in .nior high% &here were some with it easier, and many
with it worse%
5hat set me a#art, thogh, were my visitors%
From the first 5ednesday I was there ntil the day I left, someone came to see me
each visitor,s day% I
fond ot later that this was ni3e, as well as a sorce of envy among a lot of the
girls on my floor% Bt
my mother, the 3een of organi;ation, drew # a schedle, dividing # days .st as
she had always
allotted chores for 0&A drives or Jnior Leage fnctions% Between herself, my
father, Boo and
*tewart,
and Dina, each 5ednesday and *nday, someone was always in the solarim waiting
for me%
For the first week, it was my mother% It was hard at first% &he minte she saw me she
smiled, took a
dee# )reath, and then o#ened her moth to talk nonsto# for almost twenty mintes,
words flowing ot of
her as if they were the only thing kee#ing her afloat, a life #reserver
of inane details and incidents from
the last week% *he told me a)ot a new doll she,d ordered, how my father had
wrenched his sholder
reaching for something in the )ackseat of the car, how she,d fond a #erfectly lovely
reci#e for vanilla
cstard in *othern Living% *he did not take a single )reath while doing this% Finally,
when she s#ttered
to a sto#, the sdden silence hng )etween s, scking # the last of her words like a
)lack hole
a)sor)ing light%
5e )oth felt it%
-/h, Caitlin,- she said sddenly, sliding one shaking hand over mine% -I .st%%% I .st
don,t know how I
can ever tell yo how sorry I am%-
-*orry1- I said% -For what, "om1-
*he looked at me, eyes widening% -For not #rotecting yo,- she said% All this time I,d
)een the one with
everything to hide, everything to )e ashamed of% It hadn,t even occrred to me that
someone else might
think to take the )lame%
*he s3ee;ed my hand, tightly% -I shold have known what was ha##ening,- she
said% -I shold have
known .st )y looking at yo%-
"ay)e I shold have agreed with her% Blamed her, even, for )eing so caght # in
Cass,s leaving that
she,d allowed me to )ecome invisi)le%
Bt I,d had my chances to reach ot to her as well, chances I,d
#assed # again and again% &he night of the ceremony, when I,d come home with my
face swollen and
)lamed it on an el)ow% /r when I -sli##ed- on the icy walk% And even on that last
day, when she,d tried
to #ll my .acket off of me%
Bt of corse now it was sim#le to trace )ack and find so many #laces each of s
cold have done
)etter% Bt after my two4day crying .ag, I .st wasn,t interested in )laming anyone
else% I needed my
family
and friends now, and sometimes, calling a draw seemed like the way to finally let it
rest%
It got easier after that% 5e talked a little more each time, )t it came slowly% "ostly,
we walked,
following the long foot#aths that crisscrossed the Avergreen com#le(% 5e,d move
slowly with her arm
linked tightly in mine, winding arond rrees and )enches, throgh the #arking lot,
circling the fontain, and
)ack again% *ometimes, we didn,t talk at all% Bt every once in a while she,d say
something com#letely
random ot lod, as if she,d )een carrying on a conversation in her head the whole
time, that I was .st
now a)le to hear%
-I remem)er when I was #regnant with yo,- she said one day as we crossed the
little foot)ridge, -and
yor sister wold come # to, me at the same time every day, while I was making
dinner, and .st #t her
ear against my stomach% *he said yo talked to her, that she was the only one who
cold hear yo%-
/r, as we sat )y the fontain: -&he night yo fell off that #yramid, Caitlin %%% I didn,t
think anything cold
ever scare me that mch again%- *he looked down at the water, grgling )eside s%
-Bt I was wrong, of
corse%-
I didn,t know what to say to these things, and I was learning with $r% "arshall that I
didn,t necessarily
have to have an answer% *o I,d .st #t my head on her sholder, leaning against my
mother, who wold
hold me like she did when I was a small child, rocking me )ack and forth% It had
)een so long since
someone had toched me and I hadn,t wanted to flinch%
As time went on, we talked a)ot less im#ortant things% 5e traded st#id family
anecdotes, like the time
when Cass almost )rned down the hose with her Aasy4Bake /ven, or when my
father drank a hge
glass of clam .ice, thinking it was lemonade% 5e laghed orselves silly, taking
)ack or shared #ast
gently, #iece )y #iece%
"y mother always came on *nday, )t 5ednesdays were my wild card% It was kind
of like a game: I
never knew e(actly who to e(#ect
at the end of that long, )rightly lit hallway% I .st #lled o#en the door
and scanned the #eo#le waiting on the shiny vinyl coches and sli##ery easy chairs,
fli##ing throgh
ot4of4date maga;ines, ntil I saw a face I recogni;ed%
If it was my father, he always )roght the )ook with him% He,d )roght it the first
day he came, when
he,d sto##ed at 5al4"art to #ick # a new #ack of socks my mother had forgotten to
)ring me the
week )efore% &he )ook was called >OO Fn Card Games and had )een hanging )y
the register, with a
#ack of cards shrink4wra##ed to it% "y father was not the im#lsive ty#e, )t I
figred he,d )een
nervos a)ot coming to see me, a)ot what we wold say to each other% Games
wold make it easier%
After he,d hgged me, and I,d sat down on the coch )eside him and received my
socks, he slid the
)ook across the cshion to me% -If yo,re not interested, that,s com#letely fine,- he
said% -I .st thoght it
might )e fn%-
cra;y eights< hearts< ctthroat< si( different kinds of solitaire< the )ook #roclaimed
e(citedly on the )ack
cover, and then, in small letters, fn for the whole family<
I looked # at my father, knowing how hel#less he mst feel, not )eing in control of
this7my7sitation%
He,d done all the $ad stff so far: making the arrangements, dealing with the
insrance com#any,
e(#laining to the $%A% that no, I woldn,t )e availa)le to testify against Dogerson
when his cort date
came #% He was the ltimate facilitator, )t this emotional thing, with the two of s
one4on4one, was
new to him%
-*onds great,- I said to him, ri##ing o#en the #ack and handing him the )ook%
-Let,s start with the first
one%-
*o we did% Aach day he came to visit I,d find him waiting for me at one of the small
ta)les )y the
window, the )ook )eside him, cards shffled% 5e had started with Cra;y Aights,
worked throgh *#it
and 5ar, and had .st )egn Gin Dmmy% 5e were /,6orens, of corse, so we ke#t
score and #layed
for #oints as well as #ride% Bt sometimes,
I,d look # from my cards and find him watching me with an
e(#ression of sch sadness on his face that it almost )roke my heart%
&he first day Boo came, she )roght a stack of my #hotogra#hs and a )agfl of
vegan caro)4chi#
cookies, which I ate as she regaled me with stories from or #hotogra#hy class
e(hi)ition at the Arts
Center%
-2or mother won a s#ecial award,- she told me, -)ecase everyone
had a head in her #ictres% 5e all
a##laded%-
-I can,t )elieve I missed it,- I said% $ring my two4day wee#ing )inge, I,d even cried
a)ot that: I,d
worked so hard for that e(hi)ition%
$ring the last few weeks with Dogerson, it was the one thing that
had ke#t me going% +ow, no one wold ever get to see all the hard work I,d done%
*he )rshed cookie crm)s off her hands% -I )roght yo something
else, too,- she said, digging into
her hge giraffe4#rinted )ag to #ll ot something wra##ed in )right )le cloth,
#lacing it gingerly in my
la#% -+o #ressre,- she said% -Jst if yo get ins#ired%-
I knew even )efore I was done nwra##ing the cloth that it was my camera% *he,d
#olished it, re#laced
my ratty lens ca#, and inclded five rolls of film% Averything I needed%
-I don,t know,- I said% *eeing my camera made the #ast si( months come rshing
)ack: the solace I,d
soght in the darkroom% Corinna smiling at me as I took shot after shot on the front
#orch% Dogerson
glowering against that gray sky% And that #ictre that I,d shredded, its ri##ed #ieces
still sitting in my desk
drawer%
-+o #ressre,- she said again% -Jst wait and see%-
*tewart and Dina came to visit me also% *tewart told me stories a)ot his wild days
and always )roght
me something wonderfl to eat: fresh mangoes, Fakin, Bacon and scram)led torn,
still warm%
&he first time Dina came to visit me, I walked into the solarim to find her sitting on
a folding chair,
nervosly swinging one crossed leg across the other% *he was in ctoff .eans and a
tank to#, attracting
the wistfl stares of Do)ert, the de#ressive, and Alan, who had a little #ro)lem with
fires, who were
#laying 0archeesi a few ta)les over%
-Hey,- she said as I came over, sitting down )eside her%
-Hey%-
*he swallowed, hard, then )lrted ot, -I nderstand if yo hate me% I almost didn,t
even come here
today%-
-Dina,- I said% -5hy wold I hate yo1-
*he looked at me% -I didn,t know that,s why yo wanted to leave that night at the
lake% If I,d known7-
-+o one knew,- I said% Again, this was easier% Another draw% -It,s no)ody,s falt%-
-Like hell% 5e all know whose falt it is%- *he shook her head, angry
now: Dina loved a case% -&hat
)astard% If he shows his face anywhere
near me, I swear to God I,ll%%%-
I took a dee# )reath% &here was still some small #art of me that missed Dogerson, as
cra;y as that was%
-Let,s not talk a)ot him, okay1- I said% 5hen she glanced at me I added, -I mean, I
do a lot of that in
here already% 2o know1-
*he sighed, still hffy, and nodded her head% -/kay% Fine% 5hat do yo want to talk
a)ot1-
I #lled my legs # nderneath me% -Anything% Gossi#% $irt% Fill me in%-
*he grinned, raising her eye)rows% -Cheerleading or general1-
-Both%-
-/kay,- she said, dro##ing her #rse, kicking off her sandals, and getting
comforta)le% "y )est friend,
Dina% I hadn,t even reali;ed how mch I,d missed her% -Listen to this%-
====================================
*ome days were good% I,d make a decent lanyard in crafts, #erfect the mayonnaise4
relish ratio for the
#otato salad in the gro# kitchen, )eat my father at Dmmy, and slee# thickly
throgh the night and wake
# feeling rested, changed, like things were actally getting )etter%
Bt other days I thoght a)ot Dogerson, wondering where he was or what he was
doing% I ke#t the
necklace he,d given me in its )o(, )ried in my )ottom drawer% It was the one thing I
had left of him, and
sometimes I,d .st #ll it ot and hold it, sliding it throgh my fingers% I wondered if
he ever thoght of me,
and hated the #ang I felt when I told myself he didn,t%
I woldn,t )lame my #arents, or Dina% I was even getting that mch closer to not
)laming myself% *o it
shold have )een easy to finally
lift that heaviest of weights and #lace it s3arely where it )elonged,
on
Dogerson% Bt this, even on the good days, was hard%
After all that had ha##enedS how cold I miss him1 Bt I did% I did%
Cha#ter >9
I,d )een at Avergreen less than a month when my mother )roght me a #ile of mail
from home% A flier
a)ot the *A&s, a stack of homework
assignments from school, a catalog from a cheerleading s##ly
com#any, trying to sell me )arrettes with my school colors% And, at the )ottom, two
letters% /ne from
Corinna, one from Cass%
-*he,s )een worried a)ot yo,- my mother said as I trned the envelo#e, addressed
in Cass,s clean
scri#t, in my hand% -I don,t know who the other one is from%-
I waited ntil she was gone )efore I went to that )right hallway, sat down with my
)ack to one of the
windows, and o#ened Corinna,s letter first% I,d never seen her handwriting )efore, the
letters small and
crly, like a child,s hand% *he,d written in #r#le ink, on hotel stationery:
&he Ded Dam)ler Inn, &cson,
Ari;ona%
$ear Caitlin,
By now, I gess yo know that I decided to make my wild esca#e from )oth
A##le)ee,s and $avid% It
was easier than I thoght it wold )e% Between the #ower always getting trned off
and or constant diet
of Damen noodles, things were getting
less and less romantic% I do miss him, thogh% I,ve thoght a)ot
him a lot on this long drive, and a)ot yo too% I ho#e yo don,t think I,m a )ad
friend for not telling yo I
was going%
I .st didn,t want to leave yo with a )nch of 3estions to answer%
2o were a good friend to me, Caitlin% 5ithot the good times we had I don,t think I
wold have even
made it to the s#ring%
"y little car is still holding #, althogh things got a )it toch and go there in
&ennessee% I,ve still got my
eye on California,
)t Ari;ona and +ew "e(ico have )een interesting% &here,s something #eacefl
here,
like that time of night at home in the s#ring and smmer, when the days get long and
it seems like it,s
twilite forever% It,s like that all the time, here% I know yo nderstand what I mean%
5hen I get to California I,m going to have my #ictre taken standing on some )ig
cliff, with the ocean
)ehind me% I,ll send one to yo%
I miss yo a lot, and I ho#e yo,re not mad at me% 5hen I land some#lace for good,
I,ll send an
address%
5ith mch love, always,
Corinna
I folded the letter careflly, sliding it into its envelo#e% I cold .st see her trcking
along in the Bg,
nrsing it throgh radiator #ro)lems
and its #o##ing mffler, with California in her sights% I was still
wearing her )racelets: &hey were the one thing I,d had on Fool,s night that I wanted
to kee#, and I never
took them off, not even in the shower% 5henever I missed her, all I had to do was lift
my hand and listen
as they fell%
Cass,s letter was harder% I didn,t o#en it # that day, or the ne(t% It sat on my desk, all
)y itself, and
when I was alone in the room I made my )ed over and over again, or straightened
my sock drawer,
glancing
at it every few seconds% It was the first thing I saw when I walked into the room, and
more than
once I almost .st ri##ed it into #ieces%
-5hat are yo afraid of1- $r% "arshall asked me as I chewed Jolly Danchers and
glowered ot the
window% -5hat do yo think she,ll say1-
-I don,t know,- I said, and this was the trth% -0ro)a)ly the same thing everyone,s
said: &hat what
ha##ened to me was somehow her falt, that she feels res#onsi)le%-
-5old that )e )ad1-
I gra))ed another Dancher, ri##ing off the #lastic wra##er% -2es% Becase I,m tired
of that% Averyone
can sto# feeling gilty now, okay1 It,s not hel#ing me%-
$r% "arshall considered this, stdying her hands%
-Bt what )gs me most,- I added, -is what she,s #ro)a)ly thinking%-
-5hich is %%%- $r% "arshall said, sticking her #en )ehind her ear, -%%% what1-
I #lled my knees # to my chest7defensive stance, as they called it in gro#% -It,s
.st that I,ve always
)een the weaker one, the less talented%
&he #erennial second4#lace also4ran% &he more likely to screw
#% And now, with this, I,ve, like, totally #roved it% &o her, and to everyone%-
-Caitlin,- she said, taking her own Dancher ot of the )owl and laying it on the arm
of her chair, -we,ve
discssed 3ite a )it that )eing
a victim does not make yo weak%-
-I know,- I said% &his, too, thogh, was hard to learn%
-And from what yo,ve told me a)ot yor sister, she doesn,t sond like the kind of
#erson who wold
.dge yo that way%-
-/f corse not,- I sna##ed% -*he doesn,t .dge anyone% *he doesn,t do anything
wrong% *he,s #erfect in
every way%-
$r% "arshall raised her eye)rows, then #icked # the Dancher on her chair and
nwra##ed it, not saying
anything% &he crinkling of #lastic seemed to go on forever, with neither of s talking%
-0erfect #eo#le,- she finally said, -live in #icket4fenced hoses with golden
retrievers and )eatifl
children% &hey always smell like fresh flowers and never ste# in dog doo, or )once
checks, or cry%-
I rolled my eyes at her, cracking my Dancher in my moth%
-&hey also,- she went on, -don,t rn away with no e(#lanation% &hey don,t leave
their families with
3estions that aren,t answered, and make their #arents worry, and leave their yonger
sister to try and
hold everything together%-
I swallowed, hard, and looked ot the window again%
-2or sister,s not #erfect, Caitlin% In fact, I,m willing to )et that if yo take time to
think a)ot it, yo
might find yo have more in common
right now than yo ever thoght #ossi)le%-
*ince or first session, $r% "arshall had )een trying to convince me that things
weren,t my falt% &hat
Cass leaving had led me scram)ling
to fill her #lace for my #arents, which was im#ossi)le )ecase I was
me, not her, so instead I,d tried to )e everything she wasn,t, which led me right to
Dogerson% *he,d told
me it was all right to )e mad at Cass% &hat it didn,t make me a )ad sister any more
than her leaving7and
leaving me to deal with her a)sence7made her one%
*o now I thoght a)ot Cass, and all the reasons she might have had to do what she
did% "ay)e they
were the same ones that Corinna had as she stood )y the highway in &ennessee,
coa(ing her little Bg to
take her that mch closer to the 5est Coast% $reams, and #lans, and a stark desire to
change yor life,
all on yor own% I wanted that too, )t I didn,t want to have to rn away to do it%
After my session, I went )ack to my room, where Ginger was .st leaving for crafts
class% 5e,d done
macaroni mosaics the week )efore, and were .st a)ot to .m# fll4throttle into clay
scl#ting% Ginger
had )een throgh this )efore, and had two lm#y, lo#sided ashtrays she ke#t on her
#art of the
windowsill to show for it%
-2o coming1- she asked me% -I heard we can make )ird feeders this year% Big reha)
fn<-
-I,ll )e there in a minte,- I told her% -*ave me a seat, okay1-
*he nodded, shtting the door )ehind her, and I went to my desk and #icked #
Cass,s letter, feeling its
small weight in my hand% &hen I #t it )ack on the desk% 0icked it # again%
*t#id, I thoght% It,s Cass, Caitlin% Jst o#en it%
&he letter was folded neatly, and fell into my hand when I ri##ed the envelo#e o#en%
Cass,s carefl
scri#t filled line after line, my name written )ig at the very to# of the #age%
Caitlin,
I don,t even know where to start this letter% Bt if there,s one thing I,ve learned in the
last few months, it,s
that sometimes
yo .st have to close yor eyes and .m#% *o here goes%
I haven,t )een really #rod of myself this year, with everything
that,s ha##ened% Bt I don,t regret
leaving, or making the choice I did% "ay)e yo,ll never nderstand this, )t in a way
it was a relief to
know when I walked ot that door that I was letting everyone down% I,d s#ent so
mch of my life
working
hard to make "om and $ad ha##y, to )e what everyone
thoght I shold )e% Coming here
was like starting from scratch, and scary as it is sometimes, I like it%
I,ve )een thinking a lot the last few days a)ot that time when we were kids and I ct
yor face with that
st#id shovel% Demem)er1 I think yo know I always cringe when I look at that scar
over yor eye)row,
)laming myself for something I can,t change% It,s fnny% I don,t even remem)er doing
it%
$o yo remem)er how *tewart and Boo took care of s that time that Ant Li; died1
?2o might
not7yo were only a)ot for or five%@ I remem)er "om had )oght s a )nch of
new toys to kee# s
ot of their hair: a 0lay4$oh factory, )ooks, #;;les, new Bar)ies for each of s% I
was rnning arond
#laying with everything at once, ri##ing o#en )o(es and half4assem)ling #;;les
)efore losing interest and
moving on to the ne(t thing% I remem)er that *tewart was e(hasted, trying to kee#
# with me, and
finally7I remem)er this so well, it,s like it is )rned in my mind7he sighed, so
tired, and glanced over at
yo, so I did too% And there yo were, sitting 3ietly on the rg with yor Bar)ie in
yor la#, 3ietly
concentrating
on reading a )ook% 2o were .st so still, and focsed,
and I remem)er that was the first
time I envied yo that, too%
2o sed to tell me7.okingly7that yo hated me for )eing -#erfect%- Bt it wasn,t
easy, Caitlin, to
always have "om and $ad,s e(#ectations weighing so heavily% 2o were always
a)le to make yor
choices )ased on yo and what yo wanted, nothing else% And as this smmer ended,
I reali;ed that 2ale
was the last #lace I,d )e a)le to do that% :# here, away from everyone,s notions, I
can )e whatever I
want% And that,s crcial to me now%
I,ve )een crying off and on ever since I heard what ha##ened
to yo% From that day at Boo and
*tewart,s to right now, yo,ve always )een a)le to make yor own choices: some
good, some )ad% Bt
they,re yors% And dring this time we,ve )een a#art, it,s yo I,ve thoght of when
I,m at my weakest,
and yo who have #lled me throgh%
0lease write me )ack if7or when7yo,re ready% And always
remem)er how mch yor cra;y sister
loves yo%
Cass
I read the letter three times )efore I folded it and stck it in my desk drawer% &hen I
reached over it,
farther )ack, my fingers e(#loring
ntil they #lled ot the tiny #lastic )ag where I,d #t the #ieces of my
own #ictre after I,d ri##ed it #% I sht the drawer, and dm#ed the )ag ot onto the
smooth srface of
my desk%
It was strange, )t I didn,t remem)er that day at *tewart,s% It,s fnny how someone,s
#erce#tion of yo
can )e formed withot yo even knowing it% All along, my sister had )een a)le to
make ot her vision of
my #resent, and ftre% I only wished she,d once trned my head and made me see it
as well%
&he ri##ed #ieces of the #hotogra#h were small, )t I cold still catch a )it of my
skin here, or a slice of
)ackgrond, there% I s#ent a few mintes trning them all right side #, like the way
yo start a .igsaw
#;;le, getting everything in order% &hen I #icked ot a corner #iece, smoothing its
edges, and ta#ed it
careflly to the )ack card)oard
cover of one of Ginger,s discarded crossword )ooks%
I can )e whatever I want, and that,s crcial to me now% I fond another
corner #iece, this one the
o##osite diagonal, fastening it the same way%
It,s yo I,ve thoght of when I,m at my weakest, and yo who have #lled me
throgh% &he third corner
was the )iggest #iece yet, almost an inch long%
Demem)er how mch yor cra;y sister loves yo% I fond the last corner, ta#ing it in
#lace, then sat
)ack and looked at my work% For edges, like the face of a #ictre frame waiting to
)e filled in% I
scoo#ed the rest of the #ieces )ack into the )ag% I,d do the rest of the #;;le )it )y
)it, day )y day% I,d
take my time, )eing #atient, and watch the images
as they came into )eing right )efore my eyes%
====================================
$r% "arshall said I sholdn,t e(#ect to forget anything a)ot Dogerson, and in a lot
of ways I didn,t want
to% At night, when I dreamed, it was his face I saw more than any other% *ometimes
he was .st ot on
the fringes of some com#licated dream, leaning against the B"5, like he,d waited
for me otside of
cheerleading #ractice all those afternoons% /ther times it was only him, his face right
# close to mine,
angry and red, ready to lash ot at any second% &hose were the dreams I woke #
from sweating, the
covers tangled arond my legs, my hair dam# and sticking to the )ack of my neck,
#anicked at not
recogni;ing the room arond me% Ginger was always slee#ing sondly in the ne(t
)ed, )reathing throgh
her nose in tiny gas#s, and I,d close my eyes and concentrate on that sond ntil I
fell )ack aslee#%
Bt, strangely, the worst dreams I had a)ot Dogerson were the ones he wasn,t in at
all% Instead, I was
always trying to get some#lace to meet him, with so many o)stacles thrown in my
way% *ometimes they
made sense, like #shing throgh )ody after )ody in the hallway, rnning for the
trnarond% /ther times
it was more srreal: my legs .st woldn,t work, there was some long, involved s)4
dream involving
a
)a)y who wasn,t really a )a)y, or I had to make sandwiches )t coldn,t find any
)read% &hey wold
have )een fnny, these dreams, e(ce#t for the ongoing, steady sense of #anic that I
felt, knowing he was
waiting for me% It )ilt like a fist closing arond my neck and I,d shake myself
awake, heart )eating, only
to do;e )ack off and #ick # in the same #lace, again%
$r% "arshall said this was a way for me to work ot my isses with Dogerson, to
fight throgh them
even as I did the same thing in her office over endless Jolly Danchers% And I had told
her everything:
a)ot the trivia, and the drgs% A)ot how he,d taken me away from that #arty, how
sometimes still I felt
this tiny soaring of my heart, so mis#laced, when I thoght of him%
-It,s not a switch yo can .st fli# off,- $r% "arshall had told me once% -If yo didn,t
love him, this never
wold have ha##ened% Bt yo did% And acce#ting that love7and everything that
followed it7 is #art of
letting it go%-
I was trying%
I knew, also, I had to acce#t that girl in the #ictre who I was slowly #iecing together
each day% &he girl
with the stoned eyes, and the fading and fresh )rises, who had ke#t silent,
drowning, )y choice% It hrt
me to even think of her% Bt she was #art of me, as )ig a #art as what I,d )een )efore
her and what I
was now trying to )ecome% I wasn,t trying to )e the girl I,d )een with Dogerson, or
even the girl )efore
that% I was thinking frther )ack, to the one who sat on *tewart,s rg, so focsed,
who was a)le to .st
)e alone, at #eace, and still%
&here were so many #laces in my time with Dogerson that I wished I cold go )ack
to, hitting the sto#
)tton at .st one moment to sto# everything that came after% I had so many If /nlys:
If /nly I,d stayed
with "ike Avans, or If /nly I hadn,t )een allowed to leave with Dogerson on that
first date, or If /nly I,d
told my #arents, or anyone, the first time he hit me% Bt each #lace I thoght to sto#
meant missing
something that came later, like Corinna, all my #hotogra#hs, even this time at
Avergreen that was hel#ing
me find that )it of #eace again% I needed it all, in the end, to make my own story find
its finish%
*ometimes, I only reached as far )ack as that day so recently when we,d sat at
"c$onald,s% &he sky
had )een so )le, the )ree;e mild, and I cold remem)er #erfectly how I,d looked at
him and wondered
if, in another life, things might have )een all right in the end%
Dogerson, I,d called ot, to ask him what an eon was7a )illion years% He,d lifted his
head #, feeling
that )ree;e too, and smiled at me%
Dogerson% I sometimes still called it ot, late at night, even thogh I knew he
coldn,t answer me%
====================================
Finally I was making some real #rogress% 5ith every Jolly Dancher4filled tri# to $r%
"arshall,s, every
st#id craft #ro.ect I com#leted ?one lo#sided ashtray, a #assa)le )ird feeder, two
lanyards, and an
im#ressive
)ead necklace@, and each visitors, day, I added another #iece to )oth of the girls I
was
re)ilding%
I tried to write Cass )ack several times, )t I .st coldn,t figre ot where to start% I
#lled ot my
dream .ornal and reread all I,d written there to her, when the words came easy% And
I crm#led #
#age after #age of note)ook #a#er )efore finally giving # altogether% "ay)e I .st
wasn,t ready to tell
that story, even to her, since I didn,t know yet how it ended%
I,d finally loaded my camera and tentatively taken a few #ictres, .st o).ects and
still lifes, no faces yet%
Boo develo#ed them for me at the Arts Center and )roght them to me when she
visited% 5e,d sit in the
good, )right fight of the solarim, criti3ing techni3e and s3inting over contact
sheets% I liked the
solidness of o).ects: the cracked concrete inside the scoo# of the fontain, the )right
hallway leading #
to a flat )lack door, the )lrry view of the trees throgh the s3are )locks of thick
glass )ordering the
cafeteria%
"y mother and I took longer walks, talking a)ot everything% "y childhood, hers,
how mch we missed
Cass and how her leaving changed )oth of s, for good% I )egan to see her more as a
#erson, a woman,
not .st the 3een of )ake sales and lemon #ffs% And when I was finally ready to
take a #ictre of a
face, it was hers I chose, sitting
on the green grass on a )lanket where we,d .st finished a #icnic of
gra#es and chocolate chi#s% *he had her legs crossed, shoes off, her hair )lowing in
the mild
near4smmer wind, and she was laghing, her head thrown )ack, eyes s3inting
sht, one hand )lrry as
it moved # to cover her moth%
"y father and I had worked or way throgh a vicios rond of Dmmy and now
were into Hearts, for
which we recrited two gys from my floor7a former heroin addict and an
o)sessive4com#lsive, who
#layed for cigarettes while we #layed for money% "y father and I, as a team, were
#ractically n)eata)le%
I took his #ictre, too, his )row frrowed intently as he contem#lated his cards, with
the
o)sessive4com#lsive )lrred in the )ack frame, a cigarette crling smoke ot of his
hand% &he last game
in the )ook was Five Card $raw, )t I ho#ed I,d )e home )efore we got to it%
And finally, when Dina came, I got to .st )e a high school girl again, forgetting the
hos#ital and thera#y
and all the talking I was constantly doing a)ot "y Isses% *he )roght Cosmo and
)ags of chocolate
and a tiny radio she smggled in and ke#t trned down low% 5e,d go otside to the
grass and s#read a
)lanket, then give orselves manicres while she caght me # on all the gossi#
a)ot cheerleading
and
school and Jeff ?who was on again, at least ntil her newest interest7a foreign
e(change
stdentJ)asket)all standot named Helmt7
)egan to heat #@%
*he,d heard a little )it a)ot Dogerson, here and there% His lawyer had )rokered a
deal for the charges
against him for hitting me, so he was s#ending the weekends in .ail and doing a lot
of commnity service
at the animal shelter, cleaning ot cages% A##arently he was staying
with $ave and "ings at the little
yellow hose and kee#ing a low #rofile% *he,d )m#ed into him at the Bik Ci# one
night and he,d
)rshed right #ast, not even looking her in the eye%
I knew I might see him again, )t $r% "arshall ke#t telling me that I was safe, and
wold )e safe% Aven
after I left Avergreen I,d have what she called -a system of checks and )alances-7
gro# thera#y once a
week and thera#y with my #arents as well as withot them, for at least the ne(t year
7to make sre I
didn,t get in over my head again% &his was reassring, )t the thoght of starting
over for real was a little
scary, still% &he fall )efore, everyone at school had talked a)ot Cass% +ow it wold
)e me% And it
woldn,t )e easy% Bt I had my family, my checks and )alances% And what I,d )een
throgh already
had
)een mch, mch worse%
*ometimes I thoght a)ot what wold ha##en when I finally did see Dogerson% $id
I think he wold hit
me1 +o% I,d sli##ed too far from him now% Bt I imagined all kinds of #ossi)ilities:
5e )m#ed into each
other at the Bik Ci#, at a #arty, or .st #assed on the street% In some of these
scenarios, he was angry
with me, or so nice that I felt my strength wavering, if only slightly% In others, he
#assed right )y me, as if I
didn,t e(ist and never had, and that hrt the most% Bt I made myself see it, again and
again, so I,d )e
#re#ared% +o matter what ha##ened%
I,d s#ent so many months feeling like I was nderwater, half in dreamland with those
mermaids, hearing
all the voices from # a)ove% And since I,d )een at Avergreen I felt like I,d )een
swimming so hard, the
water growing warmer and warmer the closer I got to the to#% I wasn,t there yet, )t
now I cold see the
srface, ri##ling .st )eyond my fingers%
And every time I got scared, I #lled ot that #ictre I was still assem)ling
and took a long look at it%
&he to# half was almost done, with the )ottom filled in here and there: yo cold see
the dark of my hair,
one eye, a )it of nose, the sha#e of my neck% And when it was done, I #lanned to
hang it, #atchworked
and #ieced together, on my wall at home% I,d #t it with every other one I,d collected,
inclding that girl,
finally, with all the faces of the #eo#le I loved%
Cha#ter >K
-Caitlin1- my mother asked, trning arond in front of my stri##ed )ed and hoisting
my )ag over my
sholder%
I was looking ot the window, over the fontain, taking in the tiny s3are of the
world that had )een my
view for the last few months% -2es1-
-Are yo ready to go1-
-Almost,- I said% I had .st a)ot everything I needed% "y lo#sided
ashtray, my )ird feeder, and all my
#ictres: me and Ginger, $r% "arshall with a mothfl of Jolly Danchers, and the
one I,d #ieced together,
the cra;y mosaic, stck in my dream .ornal which I held against my chest% -I,ll meet
yo otside%-
*he smiled, nodding, and went ot the door% I cold hear her heels clacking down
that long hallway, into
the light, as I sli##ed my camera
ot of the )ag on my sholder and #o##ed off the lens ca#%
&he sn was streaming in the window, )right, as I ste##ed # to my mirror and lifted
the camera to my
face, ad.sting the focs ntil I cold see myself clearly% I looked so different from
the day I,d arrived%
I,d gained weight, my hair was longer, my skin clear% I was wearing a red, short4
sleeved &4shirt and my
arms were tan from all those otside walks, clean and n)rised, like any other
girl,s%
I lowered the camera to my waist, tilting it #ward% &hen I #t my finger on the
shtter, swallowed, and
smiled at the girl in the mirror% *he smiled )ack, her head cocked to the side, and I
knew she
nderstood
it all: trivia, time, or shared sand)o( history, Cass, cheerleading,
Dogerson, everything% *o
I ke#t my eyes on hers, steady, as I #ressed down on the )tton, catching this final
face for my
collection% Click%
====================================
Boo and *tewart had invited s over for a dinner to cele)rate my first night home, so
at twilight my
#arents and I walked across the dam# grass and over the small hill se#arating or
yards to their
)ackyard%
Inside the sliding glass door, the kitchen and living room were dark%
I sto##ed and #eered in, then raised one hand to knock% Bt my father,
from over my sholder, said,
-Go on in%-
I slid the door o#en and ste##ed inside, immediately recogni;ing the smells: Boo,s
dam# ferns, the faint
odor of tr#entine, sandalwood
incense still hanging in the air% Ahead of me the kitchen was totally
em#ty, with sha#es I coldn,t 3ite make ot on the walls%
-Hello1 - I called ot, as I moved into the living room, ste##ing closer to one wall
where I cold .st
)arely see something hanging% As I leaned in closer, s3inting, I saw it was a
#hotogra#h%
It was, in fact, one of mine% &he first one, of the old woman in the s#ermarket, eyes
closed as she
)reathed in that cold, cold air% It had )een enlarged and hng s3are on the wall, the
first in a long line of
identical frames%
-5hat is this1- I said, and sddenly the lights clicked, making me s3int%
-*r#rise<- a chors of voices chanted, and I trned arond to see everyone7my
mother, father, Boo
and *tewart, Dina7all standing in the kitchen, smiling and cla##ing their hands%
-I ho#e yo don,t mind,- Boo said, walking over and #tting her arm arond my
waist% -Bt I knew how
sad yo were to miss the e(hi)ition%
And these #ictres7they deserve to )e seen, Caitlin% &hey,re
wonderfl%-
I trned arond, looking )ack at the living room, where my #ictres
lined the walls, each one framed,
each one #erfect% All my faces, all my o).ects% All of my world, laid ot for everyone
to see%
I trned )ack to my family, standing together, watching me as their own faces stared
)ack at them% And
I closed my eyes, .st for a second,
and felt myself swimming, harder, #lling myself # to the srface
so close a)ove%
Caitlin< they,d yelled at me as I ran across the gym at the first #e# rally, )efore
everything )egan%
Caitlin, Dogerson had said when we met at the car wash, that cold night nder the
stars%
Caitlin, Corinna had giggled to me a thosand times as we sat on her coch,
watching game shows%
Caitlin, my mother had whis#ered that night on the sidewalk, cradling me nder the
streetlight%
Caitlin, I,d said alod as I #laced the last #iece of my #ictre together,
recogni;ing the face I saw there%
&hey were the voices I,d heard all year as I fell dee#er, tangled with mermaids at the
cool )ottom of the
ocean% Bt it was my own voice, or close to it, that I heard ne(t%
-Caitlin1-
I was still swimming #, higher and higher, #lled )y the sond% Bt I woldn,t
drown% I cold already
see the sky, iridescent and .st )eyond the water a)ove me% And farther on, mch
farther, was
dreamland% Bt for now, I wanted only to stay )etween them, floating on all that )le
at last%
-Caitlin1-
I o#ened my eyes .st as my mother moved aside, one hand covering
her moth, and my sister Cass
ste##ed forward% i wold have known that face anywhere%
-Caitlin,- she said again, and she ste##ed toward me, her eyes already
moving to find my scar and claim
it% I didn,t know what to say to her .st yet, )t I knew I had a story to tell now, that was
mine, hers, and
ors% Bt for that one instant, I concentrated on reaching the srface, feeling the water
)reak across my
face as I )rst throgh it into the air to finally )reathe on my own%
====================================
*ADAH $A**A+ is also the athor of &hat *mmer, *omeone Like 2o, and 6ee#ing
the "oon, all
ALA Best Books for 2ong Adlts% *he teaches creative writing at the :niversity of
+orth Carolina at
Cha#el Hill, where she lives%