ERRONEOUS ZONES

A Play in One Act

by
Scott C. Sickles
Copyright 1993 by Scott C. Sickles
75 Chapel Drive Pittsbrgh! PA 15"37 #o$e% &'1"( 3))*3"39 +O,% &'1"( 73'*-951
Cast o. Characters
/ysette% S0! .ag hag
1yan% 23! attractive! $ilitant
4..y% 20! social! nerotic
Stan% 23! average! slightly over5eight
3arcy% 20! astere
0eli6% 33! han7so$e
8he characters can range in age .ro$ $i7 t5enties to early thirties. Scene*/ysette9s rn 7o5n apart$ent.
8i$e*4et5een "%3:a$ an7 7a5n! Satr7ay night;Sn7ay $orning.
<11O=<O>S ?O=<S by Scott C. Sickles 5as originally presente7 by the Pittsbrgh @eer
8heatre &8e7 #oover! Artistic Director( in its 8ales o. the @eer City sho5case o. plays at 8he Pit 8heatre
in Pittsbrgh! on 3arch 5! 1993. At 5as 7irecte7 by Scott P. Calhoon. 3arks 4erar7ino 5as the stage
$anager. 8he cast! in or7er o. appearance! 5as as .ollo5s%/ysette*2ail 4ickel!1yan*Davi7 Byle! Stan*
Christopher /ynch! 4..y*4lake 3ohler! 3arcy*Carrie Cest.allD!0eli6*Eohn B7rna
DAn the .inal per.or$ance! on 3arch 1"! 1993! the character o. 3arcy 5as playe7 by Eill Bornberg. At
5ol7n9t have been the .inal per.or$ance! ho5ever! i. the Stor$ o. the Centry ha7 5aite7 bt one $ore
losy 7ay.
8he athor 5ishes to 7e7icate this play to his e7iting sta..! Belly 3FycFka an7 Steven Cerber.
Scene 1 S<88A=2% On the peri$eter! there is a .ront 7oor an7 a portal lea7ing to o.. stage bathroo$ an7
be7roo$. On stage! a conter separates the living area an7 kitchen. Action in the kitchen si$ply takes place
behin7 this conter re$oving the nee7 .or anything representing kitchen appliances. 85o or three stools are
in .ront o. the conter. An the living area! there is a beat p coch! a trnk serving as a co..ee table! an7 a
cople porch chairs $aking p the rest o. the apart$ent. 8he lights co$e p Gst a little too bright on the
set. A8 1AS<% A spotlight co$es p on /HS<88<. She a77resses the a7ience 7irectly.
/HS<88< * A never like7 the ter$ I.ag hag.I Sre! $ost o. $y .rien7s are gay! bt that9s not a prereJisite.
#o5ever! $y $other 7i7 encorage $e to have gay $ale .rien7s becase% Ithey kno5 5hat $en 5ant an7
ho5 5o$en .eel! they $ay 5ant to steal yor boy.rien7 bt can9t! an7 they9ll tell yo 5hen yo look .at in a
7ress.I A .on7 at any given ti$e as $any as t5o! i. not all three! o. those state$ents can be co$pletely
.alse. 4t! no! A9$ $any other things. A9$ a 5o$an! art enthsiast! chocolate*peant*btter a77ict! yo*
na$e*it. 8o $e! people are like sy$phonies. Ce9re each co$pose7 o. $illions o. notes in.lence7 by
inn$erable! resonant instr$ents. 8o bran7 a person as any one thing is narro5! especially i. it9s base7 on
their srron7ings rather than the$selves. A. anything! A consi7er $ysel. eclectic. A like that 5or7. &<6its
spotlight as it .a7es to black. As it .a7es%(
SO>=D% 8elephone rings t5ice. Pase. 1ecor7e7 voices .ollo5 in 7arkness. 4eep.
1
0</A,9S +OAC< * #i! /ysette! it9s 0eli6. Sharon an7 A are in her roo$ 5ith or ne5 baby. Ho shol7 see
her. 8he hospital9s kicking $e ot. A. yo9re p! A9ll stop over. Sharon sen7s her love an7 she9s sorry her
5ater broke on yor 5elco$e $at. Ho9ve been a great .rien7. See yo later.
SO>=D% 4eep.
S8A=9S +OAC<*#i! 4abe. #ere9s the scoop% A le.t a $essage on 1yan9s $achine an7 he checke7 his
$essages 5hen he 5as ot 7ancing 5ith yo! 5here A gess he still probably is! bt any5ay! he calle7 $e
back an7 tol7 $e that yo9ll all be at yor place as sal! a.ter 5herever yo9re at closes! an7 he tol7 $e to
stop by too! an7 A Gst 5ante7 to let yo kno5 A 5as co$ing becase A kno5 1yan so$eti$es .orgets to
$ention 5ho he9s invite7 to other people9s ho$es! especially $ine! bt A9$ letting that isse 7rop. A9$
ra$bling. 4ye.
SO>=D% 0ive short beeps. &1HA= an7 /HS<88< enter an7 get co$.ortable.(
1HA=*A9$ shocke7 5e beat 4..y here the 5ay she 7rives.
/HS<88<*She9s trying to i$press her .rien7! so she9ll preten7 to care 5here lanes begin an7 en7. A gess
5e have a .e5 $intes! thenK
1HA=*A sppose. Stan $ight be over! thogh. #e9s having so$e sort o. crisis.
/HS<88<*A hope 5e can resolve it Jickly. Chy 7o 5e have to 7o this every Satr7ayK Sre! A love it! bt
can9t everybo7y go to so$eone else9s place .or onceK
1HA=*Ho really look tire7. A9ll help yo get everyone ot o. here as e6pe7itiosly as possible.
/HS<88<*8hanks. 4ecaseL
1HA= A=D /HS<88<*A really nee7 to talk to yo. &pase(
/HS<88<*Can A get yo anythingK A have so$e vo7ka le.t.
1HA=*A Jit 7rinking. A9$ srprise7 too. 4t yo kno5! a.ter a 5hile it9s Gst a $atter o. An .act! that $ay
be a goo7 place to start. Ho kno5% $ake a long story short. Actally it is a short story! bt A think the long
version so.tens the pnch line.
/HS<88<*As this a story or a GokeK Can A get yo an alternative beverageK
1HA=*At 7epen7s on yor perspective. Any5ay! re$e$ber 5hen Donal7 7$pe7 $e becase A 5as too
politicalK Cell! 5eeks go by an7 * 7o yo have co..eeK
/HS<88<*/et $e check. 2o on.
1HA=*8hen! A re$e$ber Eosha. #e 5as this #art 4ochner look*alike 5ho .lirte7 5ith $e 5hile A 5as
seeing Donal7. A call hi$. #e9s not ho$e! so A leave a $essage. /ater that sa$e night
/HS<88<*A9$ ot o. co..ee. >nless yo 5ant instant.
1HA=*So$e teaK So! A go ot an7! lo an7 behol7! A see Eosha. 4t 5henever A try approaching hi$! so$e
yahoo rns into $e an7 A lose hi$ in the cro57. 0inally! A spot hi$ hea7ing to5ar7 the e6it. A try to hea7
hi$ o.. an7 Gst as A get there! 5ho 7o A see hi$ 5alking ot 5ith! bt
"
/HS<88<*Donal7K =oM 8hat scks. 8he only tea A have is honey an7 5il7.lo5ers. #o59s thatK
1HA=*At son7s like a 7oche.
/HS<88<*Cho 5ol7 5ant honey in a 7ocheK Other5ise! A have 5ater an7 ginger ale. Chat happene7
ne6tK
1HA=*Cater9s great. =othing. 4t 5hen A got ho$e! A realiFe7! IShitM Donal7 col7 have gone back to
Eosha9s an7 hear7 $y $essage.I
/HS<88<*#ere9s yor 5ater. 8hat9s a5.l. /ook on the bright si7e. 3aybe they 5ent back to Donal79s
an7 .cke7 in yor be7. A se7 to think no one A 7ate7 col7 en7 p 5ith so$eone A like7. A also got irritate7
5hen $y 7ates 5eren9t co$.ortable aron7 $y gay .rien7s. 8hen A $et Allan! an7 $y kar$a ran over $y
7og$a.
1HA=*A never encorage7 hi$.
/HS<88<*Ho .cke7 hi$.
1HA=*A 5as 7rnk. A 7i7n9t kno5 5hat A 5as 7oing.
/HS<88<*Ho baite7 hi$. Ho al5ays 7o. Ho get on this Ieveryones a bise6alI kick an7 harass $y
poor sitor. A9$ not bla$ing yo .or $y $e7iocre love li.eN Gst .or its longevity.
1HA=*Ho col7 al5ays s5itch to 5o$en.
/HS<88<*So col7 1yan! A9$ very co$.ortable 5ith $y se6ality. A9$ sorry i. yo9re not.
1HA=*A9$ $ore co$.ortable 5ith yors than yo are 5ith $ine.
SO>=D% 7oor knocking
1HA=*Sorry.&/HS<88< opens the 7oor an7 a7$its S8A= 5ho is pset.(
S8A=*Don9t $in7 $e! A9$ Gst sici7ally 7epresse7. Do 5e have anything to 7rinkK
1HA=*Cater an7 ginger ale. Cere yo ot on a 7ateK
S8A=*Col7 A have a ginger ale! pleaseK &/HS<88< goes to get it.( 9Date9 is sch a sbGective ter$. Ce ate
at the sa$e table. 8he other 7ay! A lost $y nasal spray. A .on7 it in $y car. 8his 5as the high point o. $y
7ay. Chat9s p 5ith yo gysK &/HS<88< retrns 5ith 7rink(
1HA=*A9$ trying to in.lence the ki7s in 2ro5ing Alternative Hoth to take a $ore active role in @eer
=ation an7 things like that. A9$ 7istribting per$ission slips so parents can let their ki7s $arch on
Cashington.
S8A=*Est re$e$ber! 5hen yo9re training the .aries*o.*to$orro5*to7ay! please teach the$ ho5 to
socialiFe. 8hey $ight 5ant S8A= &cont97( to talk abot $ore than ho5 their govern$ent is btt*.cking
the$! no5 that they9re not allo5e7 to 7o it the$selves.
1HA=*Are 5e going to argeK
3
/HS<88<*Absoltely not. A9$ 5ill only 7eal 5ith one arg$ent in $y apart$ent at a ti$e.
S8A=*OhK A see. 8his ginger ale9s .lat. Do 5e have anything besi7es 5aterK
/HS<88<*#erbal tea. #oney an7 Cil7.lo5ers. 1yan thinks it son7s like a 7oche.
S8A=*1ight. A9$ rnning to >ni3art. Chat 7o yo gys 5antK
/HS<88<*8he stocky gy behin7 the conter 5ho9s secretly a poet an7 kno5s ho5 to incorporate lnch
$eat into a ro$antic evening.
S8A=*8here are at least three o. those. As 4..y co$ing overK
/HS<88<*Heah. 8hey9re Gst taking .orever. She9s 5ith a .rien7.
S8A=*As it a goo7 .rien7 or a ba7 .rien7K
/HS<88<*Probably the kin7 5ho thinks she9s s5eet an7 loves her Gst like a sister. Chy shol7 5e be the
only lcky onesK
S8A=*A9$ history.&e6its(
1HA=*Ho 5ante7 to tell $e
/HS<88<*Ce 5ere having an a5k5ar7 pase.
1HA=*A sai7 A 5as sorry. Don9t A get a stay o. e6ectionK
/HS<88<*Ho 7on9t 7eserve one.
1HA=&tries to hg her(*Ho love $e.
/HS<88<&eva7ing hg(*Chat an irritating sege. 1yan. Ce have to talk. A $ean! $y .eelings aren9t
e6actly 8hings have al5ays been very clear. 4et5een yo an7 $e! that is. >sally. 4t! A have to say A
5ish this 5ol7 co$e as easily as it 7i7 in the sho5er. 8he botto$ line! 1yan! is A
SO>=D% 7oor knocking.
1HA=*At9s openM &4>00H an7 3A1CH enter. As they get co$.ortable! 4>00H hgs /HS<88< an7
1HA=. Chen she hgs 1HA=! 3A1CH glares vehe$ently at hi$.(
4>00H*#i! everybo7y. Sorry! it took so long. Ce col7n9t .in7 a parking space. An7 there 5as this really
cte 5o$yn at the gas station. She re$in7e7 $e o. a cross bet5een Sigorney Ceaver an7 +eronica /ake.
Sigh. Cas that Stan otsi7eK
1HA=*>ni3art rn.
3A1CH &conte$ptos%(*#ave A $et Stan yetK
4>00H*=o. #e 7oesn9t like clbs. #e .in7s the$ 1yan! ho5 7oes
1HA=*IAnherently $alignant to his sel. concept.I
'
3A1CH*Son7s like a real 5inner.
4>00H*Ho9ll like hi$. #e9s the $ost non*threatening penis*carrier yo9ll ever $eet. 3arcy thinks $en
are potential rapists.
/HS<88<*A can9t see$ to get anyone intereste7 an7 A9$ 5illing.
3A1CH*3aybe that9s the proble$.
/HS<88<*As anyone thirstyK
3A1CH*Sre. Chat 7o yo haveK
/HS<88<*=othing! actally. Est thoght A97 ask.
&<=D O0 SC<=<(
Scene "
S<88A=2% Sa$e as Scene 1.
A8 1AS<%Spotlight rises on S8A=.
S8A=*8here9s this Goke. IChich is 5orse% being 4lack or gayK 4eing gay! becase i. yo9re black! yo
7on9t have to tell yor $other.I /ooking back! A9$ srprise7 ho5 rogh it 5as. 8here 5ere no role $o7els *
no Eohn Caynes! 3arie Cries! Eesse O5ens. All A ha7 5as the +illage People. Chat $a7e it 5orse 5as
everything an7 everyone aron7 yo screa$e7 it 5as 5rong to be 5ho yo 5ere. O. corse! no one 5ol7
tell yo 5ho yo 5ere sppose7 to be. 8here shol7 have been a $anal. 8hen! A97 have kno5n A 5as
sppose7 to stay thin! chain s$oke an7 $e$oriFe the history o. 7ance $sic. Anstea7! $y oral .i6ation 5ent
to .oo7 not cigarettes! A9$ nenthse7 by paisleys! an7 $ost o. $y .rien7s are straight. At least! they kno5
A9$ gay. A still haven9t gotten aron7 to telling $y $other. Apparently! A 5as sppose7 to have 7one that
too. &S8A= e6its the spotlight as it .a7es.( &/ights 5ill co$e p nor$al &.ll! 5hatever( on the set. 0</A,!
1HA=! /HS<88< an7 4>00H sit aron7 an7 talk. 3A1CH is in the bathroo$.(
0</A,*A9$ sorry. A$ A going on an7 on abot thisK At9s Gst that it9s Cell! A9$ sre A9ve
/HS<88<*=o. Ce9re all very happy .or yo.
4>00H*A love ki7s. A 5ish A col7 have the$! bt $y $e7ical insrance 5on9t cover arti.icial inse$ination.
8hey think it9s .rivolos. 4t! i. yo ever nee7 a sitter! A9$ here.
1HA=*Ho better hope the ki7 gro5s p gly.
4>00H*Don9t listen to hi$! 0eli6. #e still thinks A kne5 that girl 5as si6teen! 5hich A 7i7n9t. She looke7
like her AD. #o5 5as A sppose7 to kno5 it belonge7 to her sisterK
/HS<88<*Ho checke7 her ADK
4>00H*Consi7er it $y $etho7 o. sa.e se6.
5
1HA=*0eli6! A nee7 to ask yo% #ave yo an7 yor 5i.e begn consi7ering ho5 to 7eal 5ith the possibility
o. yor ne5 7aghter evolving into an alternative li.estyleK &Pase( A9$ crios i. heterose6al parents
consi7er these things. =o5a7ays! that is. A $ean! 5hen 5e 5ere born.
4>00H*A9$ going to see 5hat9s taking 3arcy so long in the bathroo$.
0</A,*>h =ot yet! any5ay. A think 5e9re going to try hr7ling the obstacle o. na$ing the chil7 be.ore *
$ *
/HS<88< &to hersel.%(*3y li.e is a night$are.
SO>=D% Bicking at the 7oor.
/HS<88< A=D 0</A,*A9ll get that. =o! let $e.
/HS<88<*Don9t be silly. Ho9re a gest. &/HS<88< goes to the 7oor an7 lets S8A= in. #e has bags o.
so.t 7rinks an7 snack .oo7.(
1HA= &as /HS<88< crosses%(*#o5 7o yo an7 yor 5i.e .eel abot the gay co$$nityK
/HS<88<*#ere! let $e help yo 5ith those. &lo5er%( Please! interrpt that conversation. 1yan9s 7riving $e
craFy.

S8A=*#ave yo gys talke7 yetK
/HS<88<*Ce haven9t ha7 an opportnity.
0</A,*Cell! 1yan. So$e o. or best .rien7s kno5 gay people. A9$ ki77ing. Sharon an7 A try not to G7ge
people on their character traits.
1HA=*4t! se6ality is so $ch $ore than that.At i$bes every aspect o. or lives! .ro$ ho5 5e 7ress to
ho5 5e rinateN perio7s an7 inappropriate erections in
S8A=*Ho pro$ise7 yo97 7iscss this. At9s p to yo! bt
/HS<88<*A9ll get to it. 8his is $ore rgent. Oh! .ck! he9s talking abot 0ree to be Ho an7 3e. Stan!
please! stop hi$ 1HA= &cont97( gy$ class. 8he best $e7ia tool to help chil7ren 7evelop open*$in7e7!
tolerant i7eals is 0ree to be Ho an7 3e. A 5as never a very big .an o. 8hat 2irl! bt 3arlo 8ho$as an7
0rien7s 7eliver a $essage that stirs $e to this 7ay. &S8A= crosses to 1HA= an7 0</A,.(
S8A=*1yan! col7 yo give /ysette a han7 in the kitchenK &shakes han7s 5ith 0</A,(#i! 5e haven9t $et.
A9$ Stan.
0</A,*3y pleasre.
1HA=*Col7n9t yo! StanK A 5as Gst abot to tell 0eli6 ho5 A 5as tra$atiFe7 by playgron7 politics in
Gnior high school an7 even be.ore that! co$e to think o. it
S8A=*A 5ol7! bt A9ve ha7 an e6ceptionally 7egra7ing evening re$iniscent o. the ti$e A 5as al$ost .orce7
by bllies to lick 7og shit o.. their shoes ntil $y yonger sister beat the$ p an7 save7 $e. 4e a 7ear an7
let $e sit a 5hileK
)
1HA=*Sre. Ce9ll talk later! 5hen yo9re rea7y.
S8A=*8hanks! 1yan. 2o a5ay. &1HA= crosses to the kitchen area 5here /HS<88< is organiFing the
groceries.(
S8A=*#e gets carrie7 a5ay so$eti$es.
0</A,*A 7on9t $in7. #e9s actally very interesting.
S8A=*So 5as IA$erican PieI the .irst ten thosan7 ti$es. A 7on9t $ean to be so negative. At9s Gst
1HA=*Ho nee7 help 5ith so$ethingK
/HS<88<*#o5 col7 yo ask hi$ Jestions like thatK
1HA=*/ike 5hatK Di7 Stan get anything 5ith ca..eineK
/HS<88<*1ea7 the labels. IChat i. yo9re ki7s gro5 p to be gayKI
S8A=*A 7on9t sppose yo9ve ever ans5ere7 the personalsK =oK A never thoght A 5ol7! either. 8hen
technology gave s chat lines an7 all stan7ar7s o. 7esperation botto$e7 ot.
1HA=*A 5as trying to .acilitate people9s e6its. Chere are the clean glassesK
/HS<88<*An the sink! cleverly 7isgise7 as 7irty ones. Chat are yo talking abotK
0</A,*A 7on9t think those things are 7esperate. =ecessarily.
S8A=*Ho9ve obviosly never 7one the$.
1HA=*So 5e can have or tete*O*tete. Chen a$ A ever that in*yor*.ace obno6iosK
/HS<88<*Dangeros Jestion.
S8A=*At9s not Gst the$! o. corse.
/HS<88<*1yan. A9$ talking abot
1HA=*A kno5. 4t A nee7 to tell yo so$ething too.
S8A=*At9s $e.
0</A,*Ho look .ine to $e.
S8A=*8hanks.
1HA=*4t! A think 5e shol7 5ait.
/HS<88<*0or 5hatK 0or people to leaveK Ce can9t. 4ecase these people are never going to leave.
S8A=*Pberty hit right abot the ti$e a 7isease an7 a 7iet can7y en7e7 p 5ith the sa$e na$e.
7
1HA=&pts his ar$ aron7 her.(*=o5! no5. 8hey9re lovely people an7 A9$ really happy .or 0eli6 an7 all.
4tL
S8A=*A .igre7 that 5as the reason A 5asn9t getting any.
/HS<88< &releasing hersel.(*Ce have isses to a77ress. Don9t 5eK 1yan. A 7on9t kno5 ho5 to say this!
e6cept to co$e right ot an7 say it.
S8A=*A 7on9t Gst $ean se6. A $ean Cell! then sa.ety arrive7. &4>00H enters an7 crosses to the kitchen.(
/HS<88<*At9s not that A 7on9t love yo. A 7o. Chich is part o. theP 4t every 7ay .or ho5 long! 5e9ve
been
4>00H*3arcy9s .ine. She9s sorry .or being a bitch! so she9s reorganiFing the bathroo$.
S8A=*At see$e7 everyone kne5 ho5 to 5ork aron7 the 7anger bt $e.
4>00H*A 5ish she97 organiFe $ine. A9$ a.rai7 to sho5 it to her. A sa5 her apart$ent tonight. At9s
i$$aclate.
S8A=*=ot that A haven9t enGoye7 $o$ents o. lasciviosness.
4>00H*A kno5 she9s a little abrasive ** 5hich re$in7s $e% A nee7 Co$et ** bt she9s going throgh a
7i..iclt ti$e right no5 an7 nee7s a lot o. spport. Are $y panty hose rnningK 4>00H &cont97( Speaking
o. panties! Can7a 8horpe tol7 $e the $ost $orti.ying thing. She 5ent to see Phranc in concert once an7
broght a pair o. panties to thro5 on stage
S8A=*4t $o$ents are $o$ents.
4>00H*Chat she 7i7n9t kno5 5as% 5hile she 5as in the bathroo$! .rien7s attache7 one o. those panty
liners 5ith the little tabs to $ake the$ stay onto the n7er5ear! so she thre5 the$ an7 the panties lan7e7
right on the stage an7 the liner bonce7 o.. o. the$ right by Phranc9s .oot. Col7 yo give 3arcy a little
lee5ay tonightK At 5ol7 $ean a lot to $e.
/HS<88<*A really have nothing to say a.ter that.
1HA=*A 7o! bt it can 5ait.
4>00H*Di7 A interrpt so$ethingK &1HA= gestres that she has an7 shol7 go else5here.(
S8A=*As A 5as sitting across .ro$ this gy 5atching hi$ 7eci7e to go back to his girl.rien7! A realiFe7 A
haven9t slo5 7ance7 5ith a $e$ber o. the appropriate gen7er in ages.
4>00H*Oh. A9ll let yo gys talk. A haven9t sai7 hi to Stan yet.&crosses to S8A= an7 0</A,(StanM
S8A=*Do yo slo5 7anceK
/HS<88<*So 5hat 5ere 5e talking abotK
1HA=*At 5as yor trn.
-
S8A=*#ey! 4... A9ve Gst been boring 0eli6 5ith 7eclarations o. sel. pity.
/HS<88<*A think A9ll $ake so$e tea. &trns a5ay .ro$ 1HA=(
0</A,*=ot at all. A kno5 ho5 har7 it is to .in7 so$eone. As yor .rien7 al$ost 7one in the bathroo$K A
sort o. &1HA= pts his han7s on /ysette9s shol7ers to rb her back. She .linches.(
4>00H*Oh! yeah. Est a 5or7 o. a7vice. Pt everything back 5here yo .on7 it. At9s not 5orth arging
over.
/HS<88< &as 1HA= plls a5ay(*Col7 yo see 5hat everybo7y nee7sK &1HA= an7 /HS<88< stan7 still
.or a $o$ent.(
0</A,*A hope A 7i7n9t say anything to o..en7 her.
4>00H*=o. Ho Gst have a penis.
S8A=*Oh! 2o7! not one o. those.
4>00H*She9ll get over it.
0</A,*A. yo9ll e6cse $e.&toches Stan9s han7 as he gets pN stretches! crosses to the bathroo$(
S8A=*Di7 yo see that s$ileK
4>00H*Ho $ean 0eli6K
S8A=*8hose han7s.&A $o$ent a.ter 0</A, e6its! 3A1CH enters! 7istresse7! an7 crosses to 4>00H.(
1HA=*#ey! 4... Can A get yo anything .ro$ the barK
S8A=*8hat ass.
4>00H*Cater9s .ine.
3A1CH*Chy 7i7n9t yo tell $e he 5as co$ing back thereK
S8A=*A9ll bet he Gst gli7es across the .loor.
1HA=*Can A get yo anything! 3arcyK
3A1CH*=o! thank yo.
4>00H*Cill yo get over itK 8his penis obsession has got to stop. Stan! have yo $et 3arcyK
S8A=*#i! 3arcy. #o5 are yoK
3A1CH*A9$ a /esbianM A 7on9t kill people 5ith ice picks. A9$ not craFy abot k.7. lang. A 7on9t like .olk
$sic. A a$ into seJins an7 .irear$s. Does that $eet 5ith yor approvalK
9
S8A=*A se7 to hate people 5ho sai7! IA9$ .ine.I Ho9ve cre7 $e.
3A1CH*A hate people 5ho vie5 the 5orl7 in stereotypes.
S8A=*#o5 5on7er.lly yo9ve avoi7e7 beco$ing one. <6cse $e. A9$ going to acci7entally brst in on
0eli6. &crosses to hall5ay(
1HA=*One 5ater co$ing p. Stan! 7o yo 5ant anythingK
S8A= &as he reaches the hall5ay(*A9ll get it $ysel..
&0</A, $eets S8A= in the portal! s$iles an7 boyishly slaps Stan9s behin7. Chen he passes! he 7oesn9t
notice S8A= .alls to his knees. 1HA= crosses to /HS<88<.(
/HS<88<*Chat9s 5ith StanK
1HA= &looking at S8A=%(*A think he9s got a thing**
/HS<88<*0or 0eli6. Shit.
0</A,*3arcy! A Gst 5ante7 to say! A9$ sorry i. A
3A1CH*Don9t. At9s nothing yo 7i7 as an in7ivi7al A9$ sre. At least not to $e. Het.
1HA=*Any5ay! A kno5 5hat yo9re trying to tell $e. An7 A think yo nee7 to to kno5
0</A,*A 7on9t think it9s going to be a proble$.
1HA=*the reason A9ve been aron7 so $chP Ho see! 5hen A97 7rink A97 black ot so$eti$es an7
3A1CH*A think A 5ill get so$ething to 7rink. &Crosses into kitchen.(
1HA=*A think A $ight have
3A1CH*Don9t let $e interrpt. A9$ Gst getting a 7rink.
0</A, &noticing S8A=( Stan! are yo okayK&All trn to S8A=. Pase. S8A= looks p at the$.(
/HS<88<*StanK
S8A=*#$K Oh. A .orgot A 5as on the .loor. &rises( <6cse $e.&e6its into hall5ay(
&<=D O0 SC<=<(
Scene 3
S<88A=2% Sa$e as Scene 1.
A8 1AS<% Spotlight p on 4>00H.
4>00H*8here see$s to be so$e $yth ot there that gay $en are the 5ay they are becase they like $en!
an7 lesbians are they 5ay 5e are becase 5e hate $en. /ike everyone is 7e.ine7 by ho5 they .eel abot
$en. =othing against the$. So$e o. $y best .rien7s are $en. An .act! A have a cosin 5ho9s a $an! $aybe
yo kno5 hi$. A al5ays hear things like! IHo 7on9t really like girls! honey! yo Gst nee7 a goo7 lay.I At9s
1:
like A 5as straight an7 this is so$ething that 7evelope7 7e to rape! incest! ba7 relationships 5ith $en or
prolonge7 virginity. Cell! none o. those things happene7 to $e. A like people. A9$ attracte7 to 5o$en. A
think that9s .ine. &e6its as spotlights .a7e an7 other lights co$e p.( &/ights co$e p ill$inating the coch
an7 the kitchen conter. 0</A,! S8A= an7 1HA= are talking on the coch. /HS<88<! 4>00H an7
3A1CH are in the kitchen. A77itional lights e$phasiFe 1HA= an7 /HS<88<.(
/HS<88<*/ook at the$. A love 5atching $en bon7.
1HA=*A haven9t been arreste7! bt A9$ sre it9s bon7 to happen.
S8A=*Ho Gst 5ant to go to Gail! 7rop the soap an7 get $arrie7.
3A1CH*A 7on9t $ean to be obtse! bt 5hat is the .ascinationK
/HS<88<*A think $en are like clo7s. 8hey9re constantly changing
1HA=*A still can9t believe yo haven9t tol7 yor parents. A. they can9t accept yo .or 5ho yo are
S8A=*8his .ro$ the gy 5ho ca$e ot to his .ather a.ter his .ather ca$e ot to hi$.
/HS<88<*8hey9re so$eti$es .or$i7able! so$eti$es $ake $e 5et! bt are $ostly hot air.
/HS<88<*3aybe yo shol7 ask Stan 5hat he sees.
S8A=*A 7on9t nee7 groo$ing tips .ro$ so$eone 5ith $ore $osse in his hair than there are in the Cana7ian
back5oo7s.
4>00H*Don9t ask 1yan.
1HA=*Hor proble$ is yo9re a.rai7 to be attractive.
3A1CH*Chy 5ol7 A ask either o. the$K
/HS<88<*Ho shol7 listen to Stan becase he a 7isenchante7 i7ealist!
S8A=*Are yo co$pletely stpi7 or is that a brilliant 7isgiseK
/HS<88<*An7 yo shol7 avoi7 listening to 1yan becase &looks at 1HA=(becase his stan7ar7s are
inconsistent.
1HA=&looks back at /HS<88<(*Ce Gst have 7i..erent priorities.
/HS<88< &looks a5ay .or a secon7! bt looks back at 1HA=(*Chy 7o yo have sch a proble$ 5ith $enK
3A1CH*4ecase every ti$e $y li.e trns to shit! there see$s to be one aron7. &1HA= s$iles at
/HS<88< an7 she trns a5ay.(
0</A,*Are yo t5o al5ays like thisK
3A1CH*At9s not Gst 5hen 5e9re gro5n p! either. At starts in the playgron7N 5aiting .or the school bsN in
the san7bo6.
11
S8A=*At9s ho5 5e give each other $oral spport.
1HA=*4ickering keeps or $in7s o.. o. 5hat9s really bothering s.&so /HS<88< can hear(/ike ba7 7ates
an7 interrpte7 con.essions. &/HS<88< looks back at 1HA=(
3A1CH*4..y probably tol7 yo! A recently separate7 .ro$ $y lover.
1HA=*An7 it keeps s together .or 5hen the real proble$s arise.
S8A=*/ike interrpte7 7ates an7 ba7 con.essions. &1HA= an7 /HS<88< s$ile at S8A=9S co$$ent an7
reGoin their conversations.(
3A1CH*Ce 5ere together .ive years. She 5as sort o. a .ree spirit.
S8A=*A sppose it $st see$ chil7ish.
3A1CH*8o 5hat e6tent! A 7i7n9t kno5.
1HA=*Consi7er it a previe5. 4ickering. Se$antic $anevering. Parental logic 7e.ies any pre*e6isting
patterns.
S8A=*Chat9s that sppose7 to $eanK
3A1CH*She ca$e to $e one night. 8ol7 $e 5e 5ere having a baby.
1HA=*0eli69s 5i.e ** or these 7ays! A gess it9s 0eli6 an7 his 5i.e ** ha7 a baby tonight.
3A1CH*At 5asn9t har7 to gess it 5asn9t $ine.
S8A=*Oh! reallyK
0</A,*Seven pon7s! .or onces. A little girl. A 5as talking abot her so $ch! A pro$ise7 A97 stop.
S8A=*At9s goo7 to kno5 there9s still so$eone 5ho keeps pro$ises.
3A1CH*A $an ca$e bet5een s. A kno5 yo9re going to tell $e he 7i7n9t 7o it hi$sel.. A realiFe that.
S8A=*O. corse. 0eli6 an7 Sharon .ro$ pstairs. /ys9 talks abot yo all the ti$e.
3A1CH*4t A can9t bla$e her! can AK
S8A=*A can9t believe A never $a7e the connection.
3A1CH*Ce can9t bla$e people 5e love.
S8A=*Col7 yo e6cse $e .or a $inteK&crosses to the kitchen.as 4>00H e6its to bathroo$.(
/HS<88<*A kno5 ho5 yo .eel. Abot 7istance. At9s i$portant.
S8A=*Par7on $e. A. there9s no alcohol! A nee7 so$ething e6tre$ely 7eca..einate7.
1"
/HS<88<*Actally! there9s vo7ka in the .reeFer. #elp yorsel..
S8A=*Ho9re 5on7er.l.&to hi$sel.%( A9ll .in7 the car in the $orning.
3A1CH*At is the $orning.
S8A=*Don9t yo think A9$ a5are o. the ti$eK A. A have been a5are o. anything tonight! it9s the ti$e. A9ve
been glancing at $y 5atch! staring 7o5n clocks! listening to the ti$e 7ate sta$p on $y voice $ailbo6.
8rst $e% A kno5 it9s the $orning.
3A1CH*A only $eant it 5as late an7 it $ight be ti$e to go. 4t A gess that9s 5hat A can e6pect .ro$*
S8A=*0ro$ 5hat! a potential rapistK 0ck yo. Co$en statistically kill $ore babies than $en. Do A call
yo a potential baby*killerK A9$ having a rogh night. A97 like to get throgh it 5ithot any shit .ro$ yo.
3A1CH*At9s certainly typical a $an 5ol7 think he9s the only one in the roo$ 5ith a proble$M
S8A=*A97 at least care abot yor proble$! given the opportnityM
3A1CH*A 7on9t 5ant yo to care abot itM
S8A=*8hen! Jit bitching. &cheer.lly! to others! as 4>00H reenters%(A9$ getting that vo7ka no5.
3A1CH*4..y! can 5e please goK
&<=D O0 SC<=<(
Scene '
S<88A=2% Sa$e as Scene 3. Spotlights p on the coch an7 by the 7oor.
A8 1AS<% Spotlight p on 1HA=.
1HA=*At is a pri7e isse. At shol7n9t be! bt it is. A 7on9t .eel A shol7 have to get in people9s .aces an7 say
IA9$ Jeer an7 that9s okay 5hether yo think so or not.I 4t i. the 5orl7 5ants to $ake an isse o. it! A can9t
sit still an7 say! ISorry A bothere7 yo.I At 5asn9t p to $e. Ce9re all han7e7 5hat 5e9re han7e7. So$e
people sclpt go7s an7 have per.ect teeth! so$e have 7is.igring 7iseases. A cont $ysel. in the $i77le 5ith
le.t*han7e7! haFel*eye7! 1C*7rinkers. Ce $ay not be the $aGority! bt 5e9re every5here. An7 i. people
can9t 7eal 5ith that! they shol7 se their right han7s an7 7rink $ore poplar so7as. 4eing gay is 5ho A a$.
At 7oesn9t 7o$inate $y li.e! per se. At centers it. &Spot .a7es on 1HA=. Pase.(&1HA= an7 S8A= are by
the conter. /HS<88< an7 0</A, are on the coch.(
0</A,*Chat ti$e is itK A a$ so tire7.
/HS<88<*Abot .or thirty. Don9t 5orry. At9s Sn7ay. A9$ sre Sharon nee7s her sleep! too.
S8A=*A still can9t get it right. A gre5 p being tol7 to abstain or have sa.e se6! so A 7i7. /ook 5here it9s got
$e.
1HA=*Heah. On soli7! stable gron7.
13
S8A=*8hat9s not 5hat yo se7 to think. Ho criticiFe7 $e .or not kno5ing anybo7y 5ho 5as #A+
positive. A .elt like yo tol7 $e protest the 5ar an7 then accse7 $e o. 7o7ging the 7ra.t.
1HA=*Ho9re not $issing anything. A9$ sorry i. A $a7e yo .eel that 5ay. Ho 7i7n9t tell $e abot yor
7ate.
S8A=*Oh! that. At9s not i$portant! no5. &4>00H an7 3A1CH enter the 7ark 5ith their coats an7 cross to
the coch. 4>00H hgs an7 kisses everyone as she says her goo7byes.(
4>00H*See yo! /ys.
S8A=*Ho kno5! 1yan. An a parallel niverse! that $an 5ol7 5alk p to $e!
/HS<88<*See yo soon.
S8A=*pt his han7 on $y shol7er! sJeeFe it a little
0</A,*=ice $eeting both o. yo.
S8A=*an7 say in so$e other alternate reality 5e9re a pretty interesting cople!
3A1CH*2oo7 lck 5ith everything.&stor$s ot(
S8A=*then he97 kiss $e on the $oth!
4>00H &calling a.ter 3A1CH(*See! 5as that so 7i..icltK&4>00H crosses to 1HA= an7 S8A= at the
7oor.(
S8A=*brie.ly! bt Gst long enogh to case s both to 5on7er 5hat he9s $issing 5hen he leaves.
4>00H*A9ll see yo gys soon! okayK&e6its(
0</A,*A shol7 be going! too.
/HS<88<*A9ll get yor coat. &e6its hall5ay(
0</A,*=ice $eeting yo! 1yan. A can 5alk yo ho$e! Stan. A.ter all that vo7ka! A 5ol7n9t 5ant yo to
get hrt.&S8A= looks at 0</A, 7$b*strck. /HS<88< retrns 5ith 0eli6 Q Stan9s coats.(
0</A,*Chat 7o yo sayK Shol7 A pt on $y coatK
S8A=*Do $e a .avor! 0eli6. =ever ask $e 5hat A 5ant yo to 5ear. A9ll be .ine.&0</A, pts his han7 on
Stan9s shol7er an7 sJeeFes it a little.(
0</A,*4ye.&e6its(
S8A=*A. only he 5ere. Chat 7i7 A 7o! 1yanK A ha7 the per.ect opportnity to live ot a pathetic schoolboy
.antasy an7 A ble5 it.
1HA=*A9$ pro7 o. yo.
1'
S8A=*Oh! go .ck yorsel..&hgs 1HA=! then /HS<88<(
1HA=*Call s 5hen yo get ho$e! so 5e kno5 yo $a7e it okay.
S8A=*Heah! yeah.&e6its(&/HS<88< an7 1HA= cross an7 sit on opposite en7s o. the coch. /ight on 7oor
gra7ally .a7es ot.(
1HA=*A think it 5as $y trn.
/HS<88<*1yan! this is serios. Ho kno5 ho5 A .eel abot yo.
1HA=*A love yo too. An7 that9s 5hy A nee7 to tell yo this. A kno5 5hat yo9re going to say an7 i. yo97
Gst &grabs hol7 o. her han7s(

/HS<88<*1yan! please. A9$ hitting $y li$its an7 A 7on9t think yo n7erstan7 . &yanks her han7s a5ay(
2o7 7a$n it! 1yanM Ho are 7riving $e craFyM Ho toch $e an7 talk to $e that 5ay like it9s innocent. An
the $eanti$e! $y hea7 spins! $y heart tre$bles an7 $y $oth .lies like a rna5ay train. A nee7 to yo get
a5ay .ro$ $e. 0or a little 5hile. 4ecase i. yo 7on9t A9$ a.rai7 A9$ going to lose yo. Please! 1yan. Est
.or a 5hile. 0or or sake.
1HA=*A9$ a real ass! aren9t AK
/HS<88<*Col7 5e please not talk abot yor assK
1HA=*At9s Gst% 5henever A have a crisis! like a ba7 hair 7ay or 5hen $y $other accse7 $e o. preten7ing
to be gay to pnish the$! $y knee*Gerk is to .ly to yo. A9ve 7one this so long! A ass$e yo9ll pt p 5ith
$y shit. At9s 5hat 5e 7o.
/HS<88<*8hen 5hy 7on9t A recogniFe itK
1HA=*4ecase this ti$e A neglecte7 to $ention 5hat 5as 5rong. A9$ sorry i. A9ve relye7 on or con.se7
yo too $ch. A realiFe yo nee7 roo$. 4t A9ve got to say * an7 believe $e! i. A 7i7n9t have to! A 5ol7n9t.
4t! /ys% A9$ not being petty any$ore. Ho see! 5hen A97 black ot! A col7 al5ays tell 5hat happene7 an7 A
5as okay. 4t the last ti$e! A col7n9t. A think A $ay have 7one so$ething stpi7. An7 A9ve been 7oing all
this 5aiting. Ho see! yo have to 5ait be.ore yo can take the test an7 then yo have to 5ait .or the reslts.
An7 that9s 5hat A9$ 7oing. Caiting.
/HS<88<*A see. So! 5hen 5ill yo
1HA=*8hey sai7 3on7ay or 8es7ay. A Gst nee7 yo .or a cople $ore 7ays. >ntil A .in7 ot. A kno5 it9s
a lot! bt
/HS<88<*Chat i. it9s positiveK Ho9ll nee7 $ore than a cople 7ays.
1HA=*A 5as hoping yo an7 Stan $ight volnteer.
/HS<88<*#ave yo tol7 StanK
1HA=*A 7on9t 5ant to 7rop the bo$b nless its necessary.
15
/HS<88<*2o7 .orbi7 yo even let s kno5 it $ight be co$ing. Chy 7i7n9t yo tell s! 1yanK 3aybe A
shol7 phrase this $ore sel.ishly so yo can n7erstan7% 5hy 7i7n9t yo tell $eK
1HA=*A 7i7n9t 5ant yo to 5orry.
/HS<88<*O. corse not. A. yo $a7e s 5orry yo $ight be hel7 responsible .or or .eelings. So instea7
yo co$e aron7 kno5ing A97 never trn yo a5ay. Ho $ake $e .eel the 5ay A pro$ise7 A97 never .eel .or
yo. 8hen yo change the rles. IA9ll pt $y hea7 on /ysette9s shol7er. She9ll n7erstan7. A9$ a .rien7 in
nee7 an7 ignore her o5n tre$bling. She9ll keep $e ot o. her hea7 5hen she9s lonely or 7rea$ing becase
A9ll be aron7 so $ch! she 5on9t have ti$e to 7o any o. those things. An7 in the event A get the plage A
spen7 hors o. other people9s ti$e preaching ho5 to avoi7! she9ll be right there 5ith her boso$ .or $e to cry
in. A9ll Gst have to 5ork aron7 the erect nipples an7 so 5ill she. An7 in the en7! i. 5e can keep it p! it9s a
sre thing at least one person 5ill .all apart at $y .neral.I 8hanks! 1yan. 0or trsting $e co$pletely an7
never taking $e .or grante7. 2o7 help yo 5hen yo talk to Stan.
1HA=*/et9s pt this in perspective here. Okay! A took yo an7 Stan .or grante7. A 5as 5rong. A9$ sorry.
4t it9s $y li.e 5e9re talking abot here.
/HS<88<*A kno5. An7 A think the people 5ho care abot yo 7eserve7 $ore than t5enty .or to .orty
eight hors notice.
1HA=*8he ne6t ti$e A sspect a ter$inal illness A9ll phone yo both i$$e7iately. A9$ sorry. At9s har7 to
think clearly! 5hen yo9re
/HS<88<*Arretrievably stpi7K
1HA=*Heah.
/HS<88<*Heah.&/HS<88< e$braces 1HA=( Ho stpi7 sel.ish son o. a bitch.
1HA=* A9$ sch a silly little .aggot. &/HS<88< laghs an7 lets go. She gi7es hi$ to the coch an7 they
sit ne6t to each other! 1HA= leaning against her.( So 5hat no5K
/HS<88<*Ce can open the 7rapes an7 5atch the 7a5ning o. a ne5 7ay.
1HA= &5inces(*Oh! 3ary! pleaseM A9ll take a rain check.
/HS<88<*Ho better $ake goo7 on it.
1HA=*Oh! eat $e.&1HA= .alls asleep leaning on /HS<88<. As the light .a7es! ot 5e hear%(
SO>=D% beep.
S8A=9S +OAC<*#i! it9s $e. A gess yo gys crashe7. A $a7e it ho$e okay. Chat a night. Ce shol7 7o
this $ore o.ten! Gst so long as 5e 7o it better. /ove Ha. 4ye.
SO>=D% Click.
&C>18AA=(
THE END
1)